He’s Staying Over At His Ex-Girlfriend’s House – What To Do…
Are you new to my blog and like what you are reading? Then Subscribe to my RSS feed and get updates delivered right to your email. You can also learn more about me (Rori Raye) or read some of my best posts.
Here’s a piece of a comment from Roxanne (you can read her whole comment here: )
“Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 2 yrs now. He loves me, treats me like a queen. Made commitments to me but continues to sleep over at his x girlfriends saying she is just a x and is doing secretary work only. They split over 4 yrs ago he lives out of town…So when here he stays with me 8-15 nites a month and then he also sleeps at her place when not with me. I feel like musical beds…He says he does not sleep with her or have sex but I question this. He does tell me he loves me not something he tells others…
(Note from Rori – at this point, accepted a simple date with another man, and her man got angry…)
“I made a comment that he was free to do as he wanted – he was a free bird and so was I. If he wanted musical beds then so be it. But I would not clip his wings and I too am free…He left here angry an stomped out…Was this wrong or the dating thing since he had committed to me and we had discussed our relationship prior and I did explain to him I was confused and I needed him to help me understand his need to still sleep over there…when I am just less then a few blocks away… Did I make a mistake to try to date?
Here’s my answer:
Roxanne, the first thing I want to tweak seriously here is the order of things:
If you’ve “agreed” to “Exclusivity,” if you’re already IN the “Girlfriend Trap” – you have to TALK first, then date.
If you HAVEN’T officially made a commitment to exclusivity – you can date first, and THEN talk.
You’ve allowed your frustration and anger (justified, yes) to run you, here.
What you have is a man who is not ready to “commit” – if commitment means to you living in the same house, perhaps even married.
Therefore – it’s an absolute TRAP for you to commit to ANY kind of exclusivity other than sexual – if that’s what you want (many women don’t require that – but that’s not me, and I don’t know too many women who could thrive in a non-exclusive sexual relationship – but I do know several, each quite amazing and unusual, yet I know it wouldn’t work for me).
You must Circular Date until you have the exact commitment you DO want. And clearly, you don’t have the commitment you want.
Now – under your current “contract” – he’s got you as a steady girlfriend – whenever he wants you, and he can hang out with his “friend” whenever he wants to.
There’s not a man on the planet who doesn’t know what “commitment” means – it means living with YOU, not in two or three separate places – and he’s not at that stage yet.
The thing is – you can’t DATE other men out of spite. You can’t do it to get back at him, or to ASSERT your “freedom.” You do it for you. So that YOU feel sane, like you’re not waiting around. So you feel strong enough to be VERY SOFT when he DOES show up. In other words, so you’re not ANGRY with him for living his life the way he wants to live his life right now.
If you’re angry and resentful – it’s not because of what HE’S doing – it’s because you feel you’re compromising yourself, you feel stuck, you feel like you’re committing too much of your heart and time and energy to him and not getting it in return. It’s very important to “match” a man at the very most. the moment you start doing and feeling MORE – you’re going to feel angry and resentful.
So – this is something you’re in control of. Where you focus, and how you treat yourself. If you treat yourself wonderfully, you can feel open and loving with him, and that’s what you want.
HOWEVER – you DID make the exclusivity commitment – so if you’re going to break it – and you already have, and you MUST – this is how you do it (and then I’ll tell you what to do now…):
1. You Date Yourself. Get dressed up and go out where there are men and -
2. Flirt. Smile, hold eyecontact, practice leaning back and Receiving.
So – you can STILL do those NOW. And I want you to go out and do that. It’s not about HIM – it’s to make YOU feel better, stronger, more attractive. And then -
3. You TALK to your man. Share that you’re feeling unsettled, and you know things are off and that you’ve upset him by dating, and that you feel upset and angry about where the relationship is at, and is he open to talking about it now. (And if not now, make an appointment.)
Share that you’re “looking for the whole enchilada – that it would feel great to live with him all the time, and that until he’s ready to move out of his ex-girlfriend’s house, you’d like to keep all yur options open.”
He’ll say - “But I’m not DOING anything with her – she’s just a friend – and it’s my office” -he’ll go on and on making no sense at all to you, but perfect sense to him.
You say: “I hear you. I hear that you love me and want to be with me, and that this living arrangement is very convenient for you, and I understand. And what I want is a relationship where we live together, go to bed together every night, wake up together every morning, and spend our free time with each other. I don’t want another woman in the picture. I understand that this isn’t where you’re at right now, and you’re entitled to have things the way you want. And yet, it doesn’t feel good to me to be exclusive with you under these circumstances. I would NEVER sleep with or have sex with anyone but you, and I’m trusting that you aren’t, as you say you aren’t sleeping with (ex-girlfriend’s name here) or anyone else – and yet, I need to keep my options open for coffee dates and lunch dates, even dinner dates – so that if there’s a man out there who’d like what I want, he can find me. It just doesn’t feel good to WAIT for you in this way.”
And that’s a “Speech” – you do it one sentence at a time, and listen to him in-between your sentences – REALLY listen, at Level 2 (Listening at Level 2 is in my ebook) when he speaks.
After you get this straight, you may feel sad if he doesn’t step up right away (give him time) – but you won’t feel angry.
Your anger isn’t becasue of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.
Please let me know if you’re in this same situation as Roxanne, I’ll reply to your comments as well.
Roxanne – try this, let me know how it works – even if all you do is just CONSIDER doing this and practice putting together a Speech.
Love, Rori
written by Rori Raye •
Permalink •
Leave a Comment »
1: alias girl
says:
i don’t understand how you are so smart, rori. all your tools and advice and suggestions feel so right on. And yet it’s scary. baby step by baby step. it’s scary to think i might lose the one i really want because he can’t/won’t step up. it’s also scary to possibly get what i really want (from him or a new man). i have new men really wanting to treat me nice and it is scary. i’m not kidding. i crawled under my bed last night because i felt so out of control and scared. at least it felt safe under my bed. i mean i crawled back out after a minute of crying but oh ok feeling like a crazy person here. but it made me realize how powerful feelings can be sometimes. i see now and have more compassion for men when they just shut down their feelings or are reluctant to get involved right away. because if it’s scary for me—-who has a lot more tools and support…how scary it must be for a man—who has no tools and no support—for dealing or processing his feelings. i am grateful for this process. also i am feeling a little greedy.
I want big changes in all areas of my life RIGHT NOW!!!
Monday, 6 October 2008 @ 6:15pm
2: Daria
says:
Ditto on feeling greedy! Hehehe…
Thank you Rori. The speech plan you laid out was very helpful… and clarified a lot for me…
Monday, 6 October 2008 @ 11:01pm
3: Chloe
says:
Wow–this is powerful: “After you get this straight, you may feel sad if he doesn’t step up right away (give him time) – but you won’t feel angry.
Your anger isn’t becasue of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.”
I can’t believe how often I stuff what I’m really feeling with my boyfriend and just go along because I am afraid I will feel sad! Which always makes me mad at myself and leads me to feeling sad anyway, along with anger at myself.
Thank you so much for this blog–I have spent the last hour reading and learning.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008 @ 9:36am
4: Roxanne
says:
rori and all who comment on this.. i have not heard a word since he left 12 days ago.. i feel he is contimplating our conversations. i had to call him on a problem i had with one of his tools,other then that our conversation was wonderful but i have not returned a call at all to him and i have not heard from him.I thought he may be here next week but i do not know for sure since i have not heard from him at all. but i do love your speach you wrote for me to practice on and i do intend to do this.. because it does not feel good to me to not hear from him as well as tolerateing myself for just sitting back while he bounces back an forth. i have been dating myself still only more so not just in the Hardware stores but in restaurants an bars and going out with friends and thier men friends as a tagalong.. that is ok but i also get to meet more men and i do talk to them and practice your tools of eye contact.i am involved in my art work and other things but i long for him my heart hurts when i am not with him or feel close in spirit with him. perhaps i have closed this connection in fear of my own pain of sitting back i do not know but this heart opening tool i use to keep my heart open is in the proccess of trying to keep my options open. It is expensive to treat myself all the time but i am doing my best. I ALSO FOUND some new tools you may want to reccommend one is not just love your self an your own feelings but go ahead and love the other person too keep the love connection open all the way.. liking is ok.. My trouble is i do not really want to be with another man in a open relationship but the one i love. i am finding it hard really hard to let another man kiss or touch me.. that feels icky.. but to just talk and eat with or say hi too and feel conversations out is ok. but the actually DATE that is icky feeling. that deos not feel good to me to do this.. So the baby steps well at this point i will just keep the options open on just talking an eating or having a glass of wine with .. and off home alone..now maybe after my converstaion with him when he returns when ever may change my mind i do not know. but the going back an forth from me to the x just is not a good feeling to me. am i wrong to call it musical beds? even if he is supposedly not sleeping with her ot touching her? I just do not like it any longer and i really feel your right he just is doing what makes him content and is easy for him because of past habits… and he is used to having his way. I do not know but i do not depend onhim for any monetary financial means what so ever. i live in my own means as the others have always been after him for his money and they need his support and have tolerated his back an forth for it to use him .. i do not an never will..HE WOULD LIKE ME TO ACCEPT HIS MONEY and let him help me out but i won’t.. Is this perhaps a issue i do not understand..Is his money his power he uses and wants to use over women? i do not know but i have always been independent and now i just do not know how to let his money contribute. or ask him if i am low.. does this sound famillure?do other women have these issues? Is money like physical duties? you should let men do?
Thursday, 16 October 2008 @ 9:44pm
5: Cecilia
says:
Hi Rori,
You’re new to me but oh so wonderful…so many things you say resonate with me.
I separated from my ex-husband 8 years ago (just grew apart after 20 years together). For the past three years I was seeing a man off and on and we just broke up again a month ago. I still love and care for him a lot and he feels the same. We have great sex and lots of fun together but he blames me for things that he should take responsibility for himself and when we have issues, he’s a runner and heads for the door without trying to sort things out. And he can’t/won’t commit, tells me I’m not the one and wants to just be friends…all this while still telling me he loves me, cares about me and still finds me attractive.
Confused? I am! But, honoring his words. We got together last weekend and had a wonderful time…walks, talks, laughter, (great) sex…and at the end of it, I was a little sad, but left, knowing that I had entered into the meeting with the knowledge that nothing had changed for him, that this was just to be what it was, enjoying the moment and then each carrying on in our own separate lives (we live in different cities about an hour apart). He still calls and texts me, though not as often as when we were “together”, talking every night and seeing each other every weekend.
Two things I got from this blog: one is that I will ask for and give sexual exclusivity. When that changes for either of us, we will have to renegotiate.
The other thing you said that really (REALLY) hit home for me was:
“Your anger isn’t because of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.”
OH MY AHA MOMENT!
I WAS angry at him for what I was letting him get away with! And I was angry at him for the effort I was putting out and not getting in return!
Now (as in last night when we spoke for the first time since the amazing weekend) I am happy to hear from him. Very “soft”. I still love and care for him and yes, I’m still crazy about his body, but I will date myself for a while and see what comes next. Flirting maybe.
And maybe he won’t ever be the guy for me. I’m okay with that. And I’m also okay and open to it being another guy for me. One who wants to give me what I want. One who can match me in giving.
Please comment if you want Rori. I will keep reading and maybe one day I will be a percentage as smart as you. You are invaluable!
I thank you sincerely!
Cecilia
Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 12:56pm
6: Bj
says:
This article helped me so much as i have been going through similar situation. My boyfriend spends the night as his ex’s says it’s for the kids and when i told him i wasn’t comfortable with that, he told me that was the way it was going to be then told me to deal with it. I kicked him to the curb and have been getting out and meeting ppl. He knocks on my door alot begging me back. That hasn’t worked so now he says he’s gonna give me some time cuz he loves me and misses me. Thanks
Tuesday, 19 May 2009 @ 2:21pm
7: teishla
says:
Wow! I am glad to have come across this site. My heart goes out to all of you as I am also going through a similar sitiation.
I have been with mine for 8 months, but my instincts tell me he is with me for the convenience of it all. I am so confused I walk around with a lump in my throght constantly. Where do i begin? He and I dated 5 yrs ago, just briefly. For employment reasons he moved to Europe. We kepted in contact via email but they were brief, hi and by. He gets fired. So back to Dads house. He contacts me and within a couple of months we had agreed that he could stay at my house. Keep in mind we are sleeping together by this time. Once under the same roof. I noticed he was chatting online w/ multiple women and just plain ignored me. My anger started to build slowly from there. One day, I had full access to his laptop and all his passwords were presaved. I know it is unethical for what i did but i had to find out what was more important then me. I come to find out that he was trying to reconnect to his ex girlfriend. They were together for about 1 yr prior and she ended up leaving with out giving him a real reason but kepted stringing him along. so now i have this guy, in my house for convenience and trying to get ex girlfriend to give him the go but meanwhile sleeping w/ me and doing the minimal to keep me happy. I confronted him, he did not deny that he still had feelings for her etc. But that he really wanted to be w/ me and not her. so i stated what i needed and what i would not tolerate and we gave the relationship another try. Ever since, 8 months later, he still talked to her on the internet up to 2 months ago and looks her up. And my heart tells me that if this girl would give him the time of day. I Would definetly be out of the picture. He says he loves me a lot but ladies, please how come his actions do not add up to his words? It is killing me inside. A kiss does not lie. It feels like he avoids me for the most part. Guys flirt w/ me and he thinks its comical. However, he would do anything for me when it comes to material things. Just not love. He says he is slightly depressed bc of being unemployed. For the most part he has an excuse for his lack of passion and love for me. I Never had his attention from day one. But now, i feel guilty for even thinking of kicking him out. I am stuck. Sometime i wish i didn’t have to come home, for fear that i would explode in anger. I just want love and he tries bc i have the “talk” Rory speaks about, but i can’t help myself. Help!!!!
Thursday, 18 June 2009 @ 6:57pm
8: Rori Raye
says:
Teishla, Welcome, and thank yuo for your comment, and I’m so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. What I will tell you, and what I’m sure everyone else will tell you (though I get to say it out loud, straight, with my “guru” voice – and I’ve made a rule that everyone else has to say it in feeling words about how your letter makes them feel…) is that if this were me, or my daughter, or dear friend, I would tell her “This is just wrong for you, and you need to throw him out.”
And – I know it’s a shock to hear this straight out. Ask yourself this for starters: Is this all you’re worth? I so hope the answer is “No – I’m worthy of a man who loves me and makes me FEEL loved.”
Forget trying to figure him out. If YOU feel like a convenience, then you are. If he’s talking to his ex, then you are second-best. Send him out. Send him packing. And while he’s packing up and finding a new place to live – DATE OTHER MEN. And yes, he’s free to date, also. I know this is huge, please work toward it. Love, Rori
Saturday, 20 June 2009 @ 8:43pm
9: Stell
says:
Rori I like the simple – non – wordiness of your statement.
“Forget trying to figure him out”
I love the chutzpah you encourage and model for us here on the blog.
Another thought:
The circular dating thing is hard for me. To make it work, I feel like I should be unfeeling. I believe dating should be about finding out if you can have feelings for another. I don’t see how one can either keep dating or get married/achieve exclusivity. Isn’t it beneficial for us to not get into a wife-trap until we have practiced exclusivity with a man and stopped dating others?
Can you please clarify?
Tuesday, 23 June 2009 @ 12:43pm
10: teishla
says:
Thank you so much Rory! I threw him out at the begining of the year. Everything I was feeling was right, he tried to get back with her but she didn’t want him. He proved me right! He sent me a few emails after that but I was not impressed by them. He mainly was apologetic more then anything. It’s almost like he is relieved as well. Now my struggles are in setting solid boundaries for myself. I have put my foot forward with circular dating however, it may be with the wrong people. My ex husband popped out after 3 yrs. My mentality towards him is for experimental causes however, i find it hard to implement certain things like playing hard to get. He textes all the time and I feel that if i do not responde he will think I am upset. I don’t want him to think I am upset. I want him to wonder because I am busy. I am nonchalant about a lot and I am using my feelings messages. He ask me questions about our past marriage and I answered them honestly. I believe he thinks he still has me there at his bekon call, when he wants too. How can i switch this around? thank again you are all wonderful!
Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 10:52am
11: teishla
says:
Oh I forgot to mention. He has a girlfriend but he says he loves me bc I am the one. And that he is using his gf bc she lives closer to his job and its convenient. what is it w/ these men and using women?
Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 10:54am
12: teishla
says:
ok. my husband is has pulled back. one, i slept with him, two I expressed my feelings few days later bc I was feeling sad. I am not liking how I feel now that I have slepted w/ him and how he seems not so interested. What happened here?
Sunday, 28 February 2010 @ 4:28pm
13: Rori Raye
says:
Teishla, Welcome – and it’s so hard to know how to help you without more of your story….Love, Rori
Tuesday, 2 March 2010 @ 8:02pm