“Forget trying to figure him out”

I love the chutzpah you encourage and model for us here on the blog.

Another thought:
The circular dating thing is hard for me. To make it work, I feel like I should be unfeeling. I believe dating should be about finding out if you can have feelings for another. I don’t see how one can either keep dating or get married/achieve exclusivity. Isn’t it beneficial for us to not get into a wife-trap until we have practiced exclusivity with a man and stopped dating others?

Can you please clarify?

And – I know it’s a shock to hear this straight out. Ask yourself this for starters: Is this all you’re worth? I so hope the answer is “No – I’m worthy of a man who loves me and makes me FEEL loved.”

Forget trying to figure him out. If YOU feel like a convenience, then you are. If he’s talking to his ex, then you are second-best. Send him out. Send him packing. And while he’s packing up and finding a new place to live – DATE OTHER MEN. And yes, he’s free to date, also. I know this is huge, please work toward it. Love, Rori

I have been with mine for 8 months, but my instincts tell me he is with me for the convenience of it all. I am so confused I walk around with a lump in my throght constantly. Where do i begin? He and I dated 5 yrs ago, just briefly. For employment reasons he moved to Europe. We kepted in contact via email but they were brief, hi and by. He gets fired. So back to Dads house. He contacts me and within a couple of months we had agreed that he could stay at my house. Keep in mind we are sleeping together by this time. Once under the same roof. I noticed he was chatting online w/ multiple women and just plain ignored me. My anger started to build slowly from there. One day, I had full access to his laptop and all his passwords were presaved. I know it is unethical for what i did but i had to find out what was more important then me. I come to find out that he was trying to reconnect to his ex girlfriend. They were together for about 1 yr prior and she ended up leaving with out giving him a real reason but kepted stringing him along. so now i have this guy, in my house for convenience and trying to get ex girlfriend to give him the go but meanwhile sleeping w/ me and doing the minimal to keep me happy. I confronted him, he did not deny that he still had feelings for her etc. But that he really wanted to be w/ me and not her. so i stated what i needed and what i would not tolerate and we gave the relationship another try. Ever since, 8 months later, he still talked to her on the internet up to 2 months ago and looks her up. And my heart tells me that if this girl would give him the time of day. I Would definetly be out of the picture. He says he loves me a lot but ladies, please how come his actions do not add up to his words? It is killing me inside. A kiss does not lie. It feels like he avoids me for the most part. Guys flirt w/ me and he thinks its comical. However, he would do anything for me when it comes to material things. Just not love. He says he is slightly depressed bc of being unemployed. For the most part he has an excuse for his lack of passion and love for me. I Never had his attention from day one. But now, i feel guilty for even thinking of kicking him out. I am stuck. Sometime i wish i didn’t have to come home, for fear that i would explode in anger. I just want love and he tries bc i have the “talk” Rory speaks about, but i can’t help myself. Help!!!!

You’re new to me but oh so wonderful…so many things you say resonate with me.

I separated from my ex-husband 8 years ago (just grew apart after 20 years together). For the past three years I was seeing a man off and on and we just broke up again a month ago. I still love and care for him a lot and he feels the same. We have great sex and lots of fun together but he blames me for things that he should take responsibility for himself and when we have issues, he’s a runner and heads for the door without trying to sort things out. And he can’t/won’t commit, tells me I’m not the one and wants to just be friends…all this while still telling me he loves me, cares about me and still finds me attractive.

Confused? I am! But, honoring his words. We got together last weekend and had a wonderful time…walks, talks, laughter, (great) sex…and at the end of it, I was a little sad, but left, knowing that I had entered into the meeting with the knowledge that nothing had changed for him, that this was just to be what it was, enjoying the moment and then each carrying on in our own separate lives (we live in different cities about an hour apart). He still calls and texts me, though not as often as when we were “together”, talking every night and seeing each other every weekend.

Two things I got from this blog: one is that I will ask for and give sexual exclusivity. When that changes for either of us, we will have to renegotiate.

The other thing you said that really (REALLY) hit home for me was:

“Your anger isn’t because of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.”

OH MY AHA MOMENT!

I WAS angry at him for what I was letting him get away with! And I was angry at him for the effort I was putting out and not getting in return!

Now (as in last night when we spoke for the first time since the amazing weekend) I am happy to hear from him. Very “soft”. I still love and care for him and yes, I’m still crazy about his body, but I will date myself for a while and see what comes next. Flirting maybe.

And maybe he won’t ever be the guy for me. I’m okay with that. And I’m also okay and open to it being another guy for me. One who wants to give me what I want. One who can match me in giving.

Please comment if you want Rori. I will keep reading and maybe one day I will be a percentage as smart as you. You are invaluable!

I thank you sincerely!

Cecilia