What To Do If Your Man Still Feels Emotional About Another Woman

A man can betray us in many ways.

He can betray us sexually.  He can simply lie to us about how he feels.  He can have an emotional connection with another woman that takes him away from us. He can have a fantasy life that keeps him from committing fully to a deep relationship with us.

Mimi wrote a comment to my post on what to do if your man betrays you, and I wanted to use it to jump off of here…

Mimi’s husband fell “in love” with a woman at work 17 years into their 19 year marriage, and he still seems to be “mooning” over her.

Mimi is caught between wanting to save her marriage and just give up and start fresh… She said:

“I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me…How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away? Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits? I love him but I don’t want to share his love.”

Here’s my answer:  Mimi, ask yourself if you want to fight this and keep your marriage together, or do you want to give up?

And the weird thing – giving up is the best way to fight!

If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.

Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything – that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear – in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time – change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry – whatever feels good.

A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.”  (Remember – this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)

And FLIRT.  You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties. 

Get mysterious by really having fun on your own.  I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach. 

This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman – you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.

In a way – he has to look at you fresh.

How does this look like “giving up?”  Because it has nothing to do with HIM.  You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself – you’re focused on YOU.

And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel.  You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat.  If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things – just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.

I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do.  We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel.  And we can’t.  It doesn’t work.

The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him.  And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm.  It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.

Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel – perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.

No matter what you’re feeling – you WELCOME him INTO your feelings.  You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.

That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”

It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”

Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story – and your thoughts – too.

Love, Rori

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77 Comments to “What To Do If Your Man Still Feels Emotional About Another Woman”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm… am working on this right now! I am not calling the men I’m dating and focusing on letting go when thoughts of them come up.

    I remember you talking about being curious about the man… would this mean we can ask questions to find out what we’re curious about?

    I also remember that things about him are “his business.” So how do these two concepts work?

    Saturday, 20 September 2008 @ 11:32am

  2. 2: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, what a GREAT question.

    There’s a lot here, so I put a new post together about this…right here…

    Saturday, 20 September 2008 @ 1:29pm

  3. 3: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Your advice makes lots of sense to me. You need to move on and live your life and try not to dwell on this as being an inadequacy. I had a similar kind of thing happen only in my case I was the “other woman” Fool that I am I had plenty of reason to believe that this man had every intention of leavig his long term girlfriend. I live in a rural area of area of Az where snowbirds winter over and my love has a biz connected with rvers who travel here. I asked around and found plenty of people who confirmed that he was unhappy with his relationship with his longterm relationship and that everything was just as he’d perported to me. we carivaned back to the PNW together and there were promises or building a life together there and in AZ but that never happened. Maybe she studied up with you Rorie because I was booted and that was that. He didn’t come back last year but he’s ready to come back this year and I don’t think I could bear to see him when he shows up hear in early December with her in tow. He’s been trying to contact me a lot. And he e-mails me and send me cute little jokes and funny little things that are just friendly but personal and sweet. I think I’ll die if I run into him with her. I’m sooooo gone over him still. There’s another guy here that any girl would give her eve’s teeth for and he likes me but I’ve been keeping him at bay because I’m really not over this heart break but I can tell you that I will not take up with the king of heart, nor will I do to someone else what’s been done to me. I’m not a user. What do u suggest.

    Sunday, 21 September 2008 @ 12:35pm

  4. 4: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jenny, I’m going to flat-out suggest that you totally disappear this man from your mind and heart, second by second, using all my Tools (the whole concept of Bridging in my Commitment Blueprint program will help you tremendously to get the perspective and new attitude you need to get what you want for the long term).

    I’m going to suggest that you let this fabulous man that “any girl would give her eye teeth for” a shot at winning your heart.

    Your pattern here is to choose an unavailable man, work hard to win him, and then stay bonded to him no matter what – even if it damages you and your life.

    Please see that clearly. Dump the guy.

    Circular Date, so that you don’t instinctively push the new, local guy who actually WANTS you away with old patterns of working hard to hold onto a man.

    Love, Rori

    Sunday, 21 September 2008 @ 1:13pm

  5. 5: CarolineNo Gravatar says:

    When you’ve been with a guy for a while and you’ve been openly affectionate in public. Then, one day he invites you to his daughter’s soccer game, and everything is going swell. Her team is winning and your engaging with the other parents, grandparents, and siblings. His ex and her fiance are there by the way, their getting married this month. Naturally, there’s a moment when you lean into him and his immediate reflex is to back away from you. What’s up with that? I say, and he says to me, “I don’t do things like that in public. You know. In front of my kids and all.” Nope. That’s NEWS to ME! We’ve been very open. Just what is that?! Later that night, I let him know how that made me feel rejected and like his “commitment” felt like a secret and that if it is a secret, then it is really no commitment at all.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 12:11pm

  6. 6: CarolineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Rori!

    We got married Wednesday night! I am so ecstatically happy! It’s almost hard to believe all that we’ve been through. He popped the question last Thursday, we got the marriage license the very next day! He wanted to get married last Friday but Texas has a 3-day waiting period. He didn’t know that until the clerk told him he couldn’t use it for 72 hours. He said, “What?!” LOL That was so funny, but I was relieved because I just could not get married in pants and my hair was awful, and I wanted my friends to be able to be there. It was a mad dash to the altar but very exciting! Thank you so much! We had a Traditional Irish Wedding, bagpipes and all with help of many great friends!

    Friday, 27 February 2009 @ 12:02pm

  7. 7: fayNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone, hi Rori !
    I am a 45 year old divorcee. In the middle east, it is not easy to meet people and to circular date when you are divorced and have three children. Anyway this is just to tell you my options are very limited ! I dated a high school friend last summer for a month and a half. Things looked promising until he told me accidentally that his ex of 4 yrs that he had broken up with 6 months before was still on his mind . When I asked him why they had broken up, he said because he did not want to remarry. He also said she was the ideal woman and if there was a checklist for choosing a wife , she had it all. I found it very insensitive of him to tell me all that especially that we had slept together a couple of times . So my exact words to him were that I refuse to be in this position, I could not be with a man who had somebody else on his mind!
    I expected him to try and reassure me … he just said nothing and I did not hear of him until I called him back .
    I initiated dinner and we met but did not bring the subject up. I called him once like every other week,he did the same without trying to make plans. I learned thru friends that his ex remarried shortly after their breakup..
    My dad passed a month ago, he was there at the funeral and dropped by the church for condolences for three days, but I haven’t heard from him since then. I called once last week to thank him for standing beside me and he was very sweet on the phone. I am so confused. He did not have to be there every day !
    Can you enlighten me ?

    Sunday, 12 April 2009 @ 12:39pm

  8. 8: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Fay, Welcome – and thank you for enlightening us about your situation in a different part of the world.

    Here’s my take. You were so right to simply say “goodbye” when he basically told you he was “not into you” – but “into” another woman. (And he didn’t want to marry her, either!)

    What I want to “tweak” with you – is, I would have liked to tell you to stay with that and not call him, not for any reason. You are initiating contact. You are chasing. It’s this kind of thing that’s keeping you from meeting men who WILL BE “into” you. You have to say NO to what you don’t want – and stick to it.

    Though you may not be able to date every night of the week, you can strengthen your options by not spending any of your precious energy on a man who is merely being nice to you because he likes your company or your friendship. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 12 April 2009 @ 5:25pm

  9. 9: fayNo Gravatar says:

    I guess you ‘re right Rori, I will not call any more, but if he does – which I know he probably will out of courtesy, how should I respond ? I am a very considerate,authentic and bubbly person ! I’d hate to go against my nature and not take the call,or answer him dryly . But I ‘ve read your letters so thoroughly and I know these calls he or I make so seldom ,are what you call “intermittent rewards”.
    I am I guess still hoping he’ll come around one day. I hate to admit that , but I see how he acts when we happen to be at the same dinner invitation. Everybody sees it Rori ! He practically follows me around ! Should I refuse invitations with common friends ?
    love,
    Fay

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 9:50am

  10. 10: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    This is great! I feel confused about 1 thing…you mention to feel our feelings of distress or anger, but to not engage in a conversation unless he asks, and that when he DOES come forward it is not the time to show our anger or distress…

    However, if we can’t shift our vibe by finding something +, then we would need to go down into the feeling and then speak, so how would these two work simultaneously ?

    Im wondering about this witht he guy I work with, he brings his gf, and I feel weird, I’ve spoken my feelings twice, and wondering about it, ie whether I speak “I feel uncomfortable”, or just feel my feelings, but hold my tongue…

    What do you think? How do you reconcile these two concepts so they work together?

    Thursday, 14 May 2009 @ 1:41pm

  11. 11: ElenaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,

    My name is Elena, I’m Greek and I live in Athens. English is not my native language so please excuse my errors.
    I recently found out about your fabulous work (I have your e-book and some of your programs, Toxic Men is the latest), and want to thank you so much for your help.
    My story is a very long one but I’ll try to cut it short even thought it’s hard to fit 13 years into one page. I’m so sorry for the long post.
    I’m in a “relationship” for 13 years with a divorced guy 17 years older than me. He had filed for divorce before meeting me. Until the divorce papers, we were only seeing each other on Saturdays or Friday nights. After the divorce we were more like a couple (spending more time together, sleeping over each others places, weekends, holidays, summer vacations). I met his son and we became close friends. We were not living together, but we were staying together occasionally and we never had an argument, mostly because I hate arguments. My man used to be kind and gentle and generous and affectionate and caring and thoughtful and supportive and loving… that’s why I’ve spend so many years of my life with him. I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t worth it? Right?
    Anyway, in 2006 he started withdrawing, spending most of his free time with relatives out of town, most of his weekends were booked, summer holidays too, and this is were I started feeling 2nd class, angry and suspicious. And then I found out that he was having an affair with a married woman, mother of 2 boys and 10 years older than me, who was supposed to be my “friend”. I was shocked. I felt devastated, angry, disgusted, terrified… I confronted him letting him know how disappointed I felt. “He didn’t have time” to come over or pick up the phone and explain. We were communicating via SMS for 4 days until I said “Find time now. I want o get on with my life”. There was a huge fight over the phone, with accusations that I was trying to change him, and that I too had affairs (which is not true), and that the word “I’m sorry” does not exist in his vocabulary and crap like that. It was so humiliating. I was so numb I couldn’t even speak. That wasn’t my man.
    It felt like a small death but I stepped back even thought I was so painful. I actually felt like throwing most of my adult life into the toilette. If only I knew about your programs back then….
    The summer was over and he started texting me again. And he had become the good guy I once new and loved.
    But it looked like he was waiting for me to make a move and reconnect. When we finally met 6 months after our brake up, I saw regret, so I gave him another chance to prove he deserves my love and my time, but I didn’t let him into my bed for another 3 months. He still is kind and gentle and caring and loving and somehow “open”, which he never was, and he is saying things like “I don’t know what you’re doing to me and I can’t exist without you” or “With you I’ve done things that I haven’t done with anybody else in my life”, and this feels unusual but good in a way. He knows that I won’t tolerate lies, violence or infidelity again.
    Things are going great except that she is bugging us again. I made a move to contact her via Facebook and see what her intentions are. Of course my invitation was rejected.
    I didn’t mention that to my man. It was a “shock” he mentioned that “you have a lot of friends on facebook, you don’t need more, and if you want to know something then ask me…. I am who I am and I’m not going to change. And we’re fine together you and me and we’re having a good time”. Obviously she had called him asking for help.
    Of course I’m still suspicious and I can’t trust him anymore.
    I’ve started practicing your tools and going step by step. I know that this is an “imaginary relationship” and my guy is “Difficult”.
    I still feel very scared after the way he talked to me on the phone during our one and only fight. I feel shut down and terrified of the possibility to be open again and talk to him about how I feel about this situation. I have the feeling that when he’s saying “I am who I am and I’m not going to change”, he means that “I could cheat on you again if I want to, so you have to live with that”.
    All I ever wanted was companionship and love and respect.
    During these years I made ALL the mistakes I could possibly do.
    And right now I feel stuck, I don’t know where to start from and Oh! I still feel very very angry.
    I feel that at this point, any kind of advice or help would be much appreciated.
    Thank you so much for your time and patience.

    All my Love
    Elena

    Thursday, 4 June 2009 @ 9:31am

  12. 12: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Elena, Welcome, thank you for your beautifully put letter, and I’m so sorry you’ve been enduring this pain. What I want to do for you is simply to support you. I believe you KNOW what’s going on here, and you WANT to honor yourself and start attracting and being attracted to men who are straightforward and devoted to you. This takes practice. I’m so glad you have my programs – and now it’s time to take the Tools you have and Circular Date. Get the help you need here and with my Targeting Mr. Right program…it will walk you through step-by-step how to do this in a way that will work quickly for you. You know that this is about your self-esteem and your fear, and I want to help you use everything you have and everything you are to pull yourself up another level so you can get what you want. Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 June 2009 @ 4:32pm

  13. 13: KarenNo Gravatar says:

    I know that it takes two to make a relationship work,I believe that when we love and take care of ourselves men notice and if a man really loves you he won’t let you go because when he has found what makes him happy, then if he lets us go, Oh Well his loss. NEXT!

    Tuesday, 9 June 2009 @ 12:52pm

  14. 14: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Karen – and you are so right! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 June 2009 @ 8:31pm

  15. 15: ElenaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.
    I’ve started using the Heart Connection Toolkit and I’m amazed.
    The guided meditation is brilliant.
    I’m determined to work on myself and get what I want in my life.
    I deserve to have what I want, I’m a good person (and just between us, I’m a very beautiful woman, inside and outside).
    Of course I love my man, but for the first time in years I feel the need to Love Myself.

    Thursday, 11 June 2009 @ 6:31am

  16. 16: TeriNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    I have a situation in my life, that I’m not sure whether to completely leave and never talk or email (thats our main way of communicating) again. Or fight for this relationship by leaning back and becoming soft on the inside and the outside. I should note that I have never been a “cactus” in this relationship. But I have given advice, asked for what I want without “feeling messages”, so in some respects I have actually pushed him away from the commitment level I want. We started “dating” about 2 years ago, and I put dating in quotation marks because, we went out to dinner one night and the rest of the times we have seen each other have been for sexual encounters, until recently. About 4 months ago, we started going out to dinner and actually having “dates”. Just recently we went to a play and a concert all in one week. This was a huge difference on his part. The dates started after I told him that since he didn’t want to give me a commitment then I wasn’t going to be exclusive with him anymore.
    In two years, I have never met his children nor his mother. I feel he wants me “in the closet” so to speak for a reason.—-He still doubts that his divorce was the right thing to do. It’s been 4 years, and we have been together, rather I have been his sexual plaything, for 2 of them. His ex-wife, he said, was little or non-responsive in the bedroom. He has said to me that “you’re the most sexually compatible person with me that I’ve ever been with.” I KNOW that that means little or nothing in the eventuality of our relationship. I know he has to emotionally reach out for me. He just told me last Friday, today is Monday, that he needs a “break from our dating, hope you understand. Not sure that I do.” WHAT do I do with this guy. All my other relationships (3 marriages) have been with addicts or alcoholics. He is niether. He’s just a nice, successful guy who is hung-up on ex-wife. He says, “I guess I just can’t let go of a 30 year marriage that easily.” His wife is still available as far as I know and I know they talk,”now and then” on the phone. If he were serious about getting back together with her, wouldn’t he be calling her more, making more of an effort to see her (she lives 600 miles away in another state)? What should I do about this? Should I bow out completely, and let the two of them work this out? Or should I try to attract him using your tools? Is this an ethical dilemma?
    He is divorced. He is single. And I love him. He doesn’t say that to me, because “I use the L-word very carefully–I have to be 100% sure or at least 90% sure.”
    Help. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel my head aching.
    I feel used (although I participated 100%). I feel like i want to email him, but know I should lean way back on this. I know the next time I hear from him, it will be because he’s horny and I’m comfortable (in fact more than comfortable–I’m fantastic in bed with him.) I told him, “I feel counseling in this matter might be helpful to you.” He agrees, but hasn’t gotten any. Sorry this letter is so long, but there were a lot of mitigating circumstances. Oh, and by the way, I have your Commitment Blueprint CD’s. Thanks in advance for any additional help you can give me.
    Teri

    Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 10:37am

  17. 17: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Teri Welcome, and I’m sorry for your pain. Here’s the thing: in order to BE in a relationship with an addict – YOU have to be an addict, too. And what you’re doing here with this man is addictive behavior. That’s why you feel so bad. Withdrawal from the drug of him. Please follow through on the brilliant thing you said – and Circular Date. Get out there, forget about him, and see what he does. If you believe he’s hung up on another woman, and want him anyway…this is where your work is. Love, Rori

    Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 3:54pm

  18. 18: T.R.No Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    Can you clarify what you mean by “this is where your work is”? Is Circular Dating where our work is when the man we are with is emotionally unavailable? The man I have been dating is so caught up in his on emotional things that he has begun to talk to me as if I am his counselor. He then became angry and told me that I can not handle an emotional guy. I clarified by stating that I am fine with him talking to me, however, I can not be the person he relies on talking to when it is about his ex-girlfriend. I feel confused and hurt. When I lean back he calls, comes by, etc. But, I feel like I deserve to be fully loved and fully devoted to. Emotionally unavailabe also equals not being available to love another fully. I am not feeling good about where he is at with me, and am considering Circular Dating (I have been dating myself, I am now considering accepting dates from other men). I don’t want to do this to “make him angry or jealous”. I want to do what feels good to me for me. Is this where our work is with emotionally unavailable men?

    Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 11:20pm

  19. 19: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    T.R. Yes. Your work is in slowly understanding what you’re doing for even 5 minutes with a man who is not meeting your needs and wants to lean on you emotionally. And to transform that. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:39am

  20. 20: T.R.No Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    I am working at trying to tranform this current situation, but continue to get hit with walls of confustion. I have set a boundary of him no longer talking to me about his ex. However, he continues to talk to me about his healing process. He tells me that this is bringing us closer. I feel like it is pushing us further apart. I don’t want to be a counselor for my man. I do want to be an open ear, but that is difficult when my needs are not being met. He told me this morning that when he talks to me I don’t listen and this is making it difficult for him to trust me. However, is it really my place as his current girlfriend to listen to him about his healing process of losing his family with his previous girlfriend? I do love him and when we discuss this, he sais that him healing from his loss is bringing us closer. I don’t know if this is true, or if it is me getting caught up in his emotional trap…

    Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:31pm

  21. 21: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    T.R. Listening isn’t the same as participating in a discussion. Nodding your head is good enough. And if it doesn’t feel good even to do that, you must say, this doesn’t feel good to me…and perhaps that will either transform the relationship, or end it. If you don’t want to listen to your man talk about what he wants to talk about …and it seems that all he wants to talk about is what you don’t want to listen to…why would you want to be with him? Love, Rori

    Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:39pm

  22. 22: T.R.No Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori. You have been very helpful. I have been listening to the Modern Siren and Reconnect Your Relationship and reading your book. You are a great inspiration and I look forward to continuing to blog on your sites!

    Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 2:16pm

  23. 23: JabeenNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh Rori just reading your newsletters help me turn my head around but I so wished I could get your programs, especially modern siren. Unfortunately I just don’t have the money especially now after being laid off from work. :(
    I’ll just modify your tools a bit and keep my focus on getting the programs and believe that an avenue will open up when the time is right.

    Friday, 30 October 2009 @ 2:19pm

  24. 24: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jabeen, Welcome, and I know you’ll get lots of help here. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:23pm

  25. 25: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone :)

    I wanted to share something and see if I could get a little advice. Sorry if this is super long but here goes :(.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 months. Everything has been just wonderful. He is a complete gentleman and I felt wonderful being with him all of the time. Until I started noticing that I was overfunctioning. I gave that little extra to ensure we would spend time together. I was giving so much affection…it was returned, but I started to resent myself for everything I was doing. Then a few events happened last week. It started with him telling me that he wouldn’t be able to make our traditional Sunday date night because he needed to go to a work party. I asked if I was supposed to go and he said no because he was only allowed to bring one person – and he was bringing his roommate (male) because they were showing the independent film they made together to the coworkers. I was upset because it felt like he was hiding me (with all the other gut emotions I was feeling about him pulling away), and so Friday I called him to talk to him about it…which turned it to me complaining about how I wish he initiated more and wondering why he didn’t want to be with me as much as I did with him. Yes, I was complaining about the overfunctioning I was doing and blaming him – very embarrassing and looking disgustingly needy and desperate…but I couldn’t help it at that point. He was a little speechless but couldn’t understand why I was so upset (which I wasn’t making it easy for him to do, either).

    I talked to him again the next day. I ended up crying again. But we some how got through it. He said he understands how I feel and that I feel like I am doing most of the work. I told him I want a boyfriend who I can spend almost every night with (if possible) and I asked if he could do that and he agreed. We also promised to still hold our “Sunday date’ after his work party the next day, but it probably wouldn’t be until 9 pm. (There was going to be an open bar, but it was supposed to end early). I was totally ok with this and realized I was being so stupid. But I really wanted to see him so I could fix this behavior of mine ASAP.

    Anyways…I didn’t hear from him until 1:30 in the morning. I was in bed for the last 4 hours but unable to sleep because I was so anxious that I caused irreperable damage and now he was ignoring me (I didn’t contact him).

    The contact at 1:30 am was a text message asking me to come over in what looked like an inebriated person could barely type into the phone. I ignored the text because I didn’t know how to proceed? Do I agree to come over after he blew me off? He decides to call me and I pick up and he begs for forgiveness and begs for me to come over. I caved and went over. Again, I guess I was just so insecure about my actions the previous days that I wanted to see if I could fix this.

    When I first got to his room, his phone was being sent what looked like a million text messages. I handed it to him and he turned it off. He was drunk and said that he left his cell phone at home on accident. I didn’t believe him but I wanted to smooth things over after my crazy behavior over the past few days so I let it slide. We were intimate, and then he fell asleep. I, on the other hand didn’t sleep a wink. I then did something that was an invasion of my boyfriend’s privacy: I looked through his cell phone. I wanted to see if he really didn’t have his phone during that time or if he was lying. There were no calls/texts sent by his phone during the party, but I found something that made me want to vomit: I found something he sent to a female coworker that said (right after he texted me when he got home) “I’m at work now. I’ll be dreaming of you.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I did either. Now, he was drunk, and maybe “he meant to send it to me,” but then he also proceeded to call this woman. And it was right after he talked to me (our names are not similar…my name starts with a “K” and her with an “A”). And I have a hard time considering that this was an inside joke considering that he didn’t and/or wouldn’t take me to the work party, he ditched me, turned off his phone as soon as I got there, and called me around a similar time to this person. And exactly what context would those words be used in an inside joke?

    And now, I don’t know what to do. I totally invaded his privacy. He has made it absolutely clear how much he hates cheating and has been cheated on, and he still tells me he loves me, is affectionate and intimate with me, etc.

    I talked to him the next day. I told him how I knew I was acting out of line this weekend and that I was embarrassed and sorry. I asked if there was any reason he didn’t want me to go to the party and he said no, but he agreed that I could feel that way. And then, I gave him an out: I said that all of these behaviors he has been displaying sort of look like that of someone who isn’t feeling a relationship anymore. I said he could walk away now, because I have too much respect for myself to be with someone who wasn’t into me. He said “are you crazy? of course I want to be with you!” and also added “do you really think i would be that much of a coward to stay in a relationship I didn’t want to be in?” I said ok, but it would mean a lot to me if he could take me into his work sometime and introduce me as his girlfriend. He was uneasy because he said a) he’s not really friends with whom he works with b) all the girls are catty c) they all know my sister and don’t like her (which wouldn’t give me brownie points) and d) he didn’t want to go to a date to the bar/restaurant he works at because…it’s not a great place to go.

    I didn’t bring up the text message he sent. I have been toying with it for days because I found it out dishonestly…Since then though, I haven’t been leaning forward and he has been coming to me wonderfully that is filled with warmth and love. I feel at ease. I wouldn’t even give a second thought if he was being dishonest.

    So my question (finally) is: do I confront him about this text message I found? Do I just focus on me being a total rockstar for my sanity? Do I do both?

    Any help will be appreciated. And if you do take the time to read this, thank you.

    Katie

    Thursday, 14 January 2010 @ 1:09pm

  26. 26: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Katie – This is huge, for me, because I’m not sure how to answer for you. For me, it’s not his text that’s the issue. If you are not married to him, or engaged, it’s only been 2 months, you should be Circular Dating and unconcerned about whatever else he does…up to a point. My concern is your living with your secret of having looked in his phone. Holding onto that secret will make you feel distant from him, and yet, telling the truth is a huge gamble, I know. For me, a relationship without “Radical Honesty” is useless. Telling the truth, all the time, is the only way to stay sane. Owning up to everything, for me, would be the only worthwhile way to go – the only chance for getting truly emotionally intimate. Your “crazy acting” is forcing you to hold yourself back the rest of the time…so – first things first…work on the crazy stuff. Work on the complaining. The solution is Circular Dating and staying cool. I don’t believe in the boyfriend thing. Certainly not at 2 months. Think about it, and let us know. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 14 January 2010 @ 8:27pm

  27. 27: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Rori. I’ve been doing some circular dating on myself with some flirting, which makes me feel good. Which is probably what makes me look so fresh and warm to him now. I know the boyfriend thing sounds silly at 2 months but we have decided to be exclusive…and I don’t know if it makes a difference if we’re college-aged but I am not sure how to fit complete circular dating when we’re both in our early 20s…so I guess the boyfriend option just seemed like what was the next step when we realized we loved each other. But you’re right…I can feel this distance from the secret with our emotional intimacy. I don’t even know if he can sense it, but I can. I think the honest route is the way I have to go, because I love him. I’m glad that some time has gone by so I’m not so upset about it. Again thank you!

    Friday, 15 January 2010 @ 6:54am

  28. 28: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I was also wondering if you had any suggestions of how I might word something like this to him. I did it because I didn’t believe he didn’t have his phone with him, but mainly because I was so insecure that I messed everything up with my previous behavior. NOT an appealing thing. It’s actually disgusting to read what I’m typing. But it’s the truth. And I think I feel so insecure because I feel like I’m having a hard time connecting with him. He’s not super open to talking about deep things, and that might be where our real problem is. It’s like I feel like I’m going to lose him, and I checked up on that, and I found out something I didn’t want to (even if there’s a good explanation for it). Yet we are still very warm and close with each other, laugh all the time, etc. And he is very insistent about wanting to be with me and expressing love for me. Yet I feel a disconnect :(.

    Friday, 15 January 2010 @ 9:22am

  29. 29: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Just wanted to update if anyone else was reading this. I did tell him. We talked about everything. He was only upset about me looking at his phone for a second; the main thing we talked about was our relationship with the “closed-offness” feeling he gives me and how he said that’s part of his personality. I feel better now that I told him because it’s like a clean slate. I do believe him (dear god the man had tears welling up in the corners of his eyes that he was trying to hold back) and I do trust him. This openness/connection thing is something I hope we can work on (I did buy the Modern Siren program; Rori talks about us women opening up first by grounding ourselves with the “Rock” tool and then “unzippering our hearts” to get him to open up. I found this extremely profound; I want to practice it already!) I do need to keep circular dating (myself and in the flirting sense) and leaning back. I will work on that. I’m going to try harder to be a Modern Siren basically :).

    I also want to make a quick comment: I did start a new medication right before I started having all these anxious/paranoid feelings and thoughts about my boyfriend. I looked up the side effects and they read (for a few people who take it): anxiety, paranoia, agitation, restlessness, insomnia, loss of appetite…basically made me sound and act like a crazy person. Getting off of them NOW…and makes me realize that I couldn’t completely trust my feelings/thoughts that I’ve had about him over the past weeks because they’ve not been fully mine…

    Anyways…Thank you Rori for all that you do! Your advice is continually awe-inspiring for me!

    Love,
    Katie

    Wednesday, 20 January 2010 @ 12:39pm

  30. 30: AnnaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – what do you think I should do ?

    We are married 15 years. Two years ago we entered a very difficult patch , but thanks to your work I managed to turn things a round. By feeling, lining backwards en caring for myself.

    He tells me he loves me, initiates sex more then ever before. Even asked me to have weekly dates with him. Always had to beg him to go out with me at least once a month and heir he actually initiated it and still keeps it up.

    However I feel very confused and don’t know what to do. During the difficult time I know he is contacted his old love (his feelings were never answered back then by the way ), but she did not want to keep contact so there it ended.

    Never the less she is still on his mind (I assume), because he is looking her up on internet every couple of months (that I am aware of). And the last time he did it he also lookt up for her phone number. Don’t know if he actually going to call her, but the filing of insecurity is very present in me.

    We have a very good marriage now and that makes me feel even more confused. Why does he do it?

    We communicate openly with each other and can read each others moods very well. He knew I found out (about him googling her name and phone number) just by looking at my face and was immediately apologetiek even before I could open my mouth.

    Feel very double, unsecure and betrayed. Am I a fool ? What should I do?

    Wednesday, 4 August 2010 @ 4:37pm

  31. 31: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Anna, so sorry you’re in this situation. Sounds like your man loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you…and yet you feel he’s still carrying a torch for another woman. It feels awful. I think you’re just going to have to decide on a day-to-day basis if you can live with this – what it is about that woman he’s fantasizing about – perhaps counseling would help, or just talking it out on as deep a level as you can – perhaps even accepting her in his mind. Most of us have old loves and fantasies – we just don’t let our husbands and lovers know about it. Perhaps you can live with this, perhaps you can’t – but he doesn’t seem dishonest or reprehensible or wanting to fool you in any way. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 August 2010 @ 8:50pm

  32. 32: SarahNo Gravatar says:

    OK so I have been amrried 20 years. * months ago I found out my husband was having an affair for quite sometime with a woman that is married…the couple was our friends. He has since confessed he fell head over heals in love, they have said they are the loves of each other lives, he said he never loved anyone more and a part of him died when she left…he said those things to her, I found the emails. During this time, they talked about being together and everytime he chose to stay with us, his family. But everytime they kept calling and emailing and not letting go. Her & her husband moved away, they still said they wanted to be together. I tried everything to prove to him I wanted us and to fight for our marriage. Finally I said I couldn’t do it anymore, he needed to try to be with her and see if that is what he really wants for his life. If he couldn’t let go of that desire we would never stand a chance. SO here I am alone with my son we have been separated a month, they are together, her husband thinks she went back for work only, she has not told the truth to him, she left her child. He tells me he is confused and not sure what he wants. He loves her but not sure he is in love. He was incredibly happy when they were together and wants to be happy like that again but it’s not there right now. he says he loves me deeply he just needs to time to let that play out and either stay there or get closure. he doesn’t ask me to wait anymore but he still says things that lead me to believe he will come back. i love him enough to let him go if he wants that but he doesn’t tell me that so I keep hanging on and hoping because i truly want my marraige and my husband. i obsess about what they are doing and what he is saying to her and is he lieing to me and i need to stop! I try very hard not to call him and email him and not to pressure him. i don’t want to guilt him into coming back…he needs to do it because he truly want this as his future. My head says let go but my heart says hang on until the very end when he tells you tehre is no more hope. He’s coming here for Christmas and staying with us…i want to make love to him and hold him but i know he will be leaving shortly after and going back to her…that is just setting myself up to be hurt again…but if he makes love to me when he’s supposidly trying to be in a relationship with someone else doesn’t that mean that other relationship isn’t really right? if he’ll “cheat” on her with me? I just don’t know and am really confuised. I want him to come home, I’ve tried begging, crying, giving him understanding and time, space…what else can i do but walk away even when i don’t want to?

    Saturday, 11 December 2010 @ 8:59am

  33. 33: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sarah – Brave to you for everything you’ve done here so far – NOW – you must DATE!!!! YOU must put yourself on match and okcupid and Circular Date – do it every single available moment. Get Targeting Mr. Right and my ebook and then Modern Siren to help you do this…and we’ll help you. This is not a game. You have to get happy and move past him – and he’ll be back. Then we’ll see if you still want him. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 14 December 2010 @ 10:37am

  34. 34: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,
    Please excuse my english error. I am chinese live in Malaysia.
    Its a mourning period for me as my husband still keep a relationship with his ex. I feel that he’s not sincere to our marriage. He keep texting, calling and chatting with her till now. I’m tired of talk to him about this, my tears are dried of hoping for him to feel sympathy to me. In front of me, he’s so nice and never forget bout his responsibility as my husband. So nice to my family too. But when i asked why he dont wanna forget her and commit to our marriage, he said he dont want to hurt her. Then why he marry me instead? For future, he said. Because his ex background and difference in religion. He always said that he loves me. But i am so hurt everytime i read his text message to her. I being fooled by my very own husband. I feel like to run away, left him till he realize that he has hurt me so much.
    Please help me Rory, i’m stuck. I’ve called his ex, she said that she knows about our marriage but she just dont care. “i dont care who u are. all i know is i love him and he loves me.” I feel humiliated. Should i stay?

    Wednesday, 9 February 2011 @ 11:42pm

  35. 35: LiliaNo Gravatar says:

    There have been a lot of times in my life that I’ve felt betrayed. My husband gets all misty-eyed when I talk about our wedding bagpiper, so I use that to my advantage.

    Tuesday, 1 March 2011 @ 8:25am

  36. 36: Tracy PayneNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,
    I am in a situation & not sure what to do about it. Long story short….I have been with my husband for 9 yrs. & to be honest I love him more than words can express. We have ALWAYS had a great relationship. We always been honest to each other. To him, he’s always said he’s never felt “married” meaning he loves what we’ve got together. Anyway, a couple months ago, life came tumbling down on us. You name it, it’s happened. He recently started a facebook, & started contacting old friends & he found an ex girlfriend. He’s mentioned her a time or two to me but he’s always said it was a nothing relationship. Anyway, a couple months ago, he came to me & said he feels like he’s “married” now. I felt the rest of my world come tumbling down on me. So, of course, I felt like he might have been talking to someone else. & of course, he was….his ex girlfriend. He’s a truck driver, so he stays gone a lot. I found out they had been texting each other on the phone & sending pics to one another, and chatting on the computer. I confronted him about this and he told me they had met for lunch as well. I want to save my marriage, so I have gave 110% to trying to fix it. & so far, everything is getting back to normal. But I still have all this going through my mind, “does he still talk to her?” does he still think about her?” “What if I mess up, will he contact her again?”. It’s driving me crazy! I have also recently found out, he has been flirting with other women on facebook through chat as well. We have a two yr old that completely adores her daddy, so I can’t think about divorce. I want him to love all of me, not just part of me. I want him to quit being a womanizer. Please, I need some advice.

    Monday, 7 March 2011 @ 2:52pm

  37. 37: TraceyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    This is my relationship story
    I have have known Jason since we were 5yrs old, but lost touch for quite a few years. We met up by chance about 7 months ago and we were instantly attracted (BANG) to each other he persued the relationship at first and i’ve fallen for him, but after we were together 4 months he told me he wants to emigrate to New Zealand apparently, its something he was in the process of doing when we met, but he didn’t mention it at the time. He has become more distant as the time has gone on and can’t look at me in the eye he says he can’t let his guard down around me, but the fustrating thing is that we get on really well and we have some really good times together. Is he putting up this guard because he does love me and doesn’t want to admit to it because it could stop his new zealand dream? How can i turn this relationship around? we have not split up and we still get very close, and our friendship is very strong. I LOVE him soooooo much and would go anywhere with him even leave England. What do i do? Thank you Tracey, England

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:28am

  38. 38: TraceyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi again,

    I know my last message didn’t involve another woman, but New Zealand is starting to feel like the other women.

    Love Tracey, England

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:02am

  39. 39: DevileoNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    Just today i started to look into your site which was happen to find when i was surfing the net to look for guidance. I really need your advice on what i can do to overcome my problem.Rori, i got married in 2005. It was actually an arranged marriage. The person i got married to is actually my best friend’s friend. I found out of his affair the next day of our engagement. I confronted him on the matter and also informed his mum about it and i have decided not to marry him. But he and his mum managed to convince me to get married with him by giving me hope that he has changed. But since the day i got married and even before, he never lose his touch with the lady. He keep on contacting the lady and always lie to me.I was so naive to belief his words and always thought he is so busy due to work and his studies. As time goes on i realise he is not interested with me as well. He scold me for no reason and he never do his responsibility properly as a husband. But since i m married aready i always try my level best to save my marriage. But one year after my marriage the day i decided not to save this marriage anymore ,i came to know that i am pregnant. I was so happy that i am pregnant but he was in a shock to know it. Since i got pregnant i try to work on again to save my marriage since i belief my child need the father. But during my pregnancy there are so many news i got from the lady he had affair such as they have slept together so many times in the hotel and they make out in the car after their master classes. On the day my son born also he was with the girl. I am sure any wife will feel pain by going through this kind of situation and same goes with me. Since son is there i thought he will change and will get back in the family but then i always found out that he is still in touch with the girl tilll now. Now my heart totally close for him. Last time i always quite when ever he scolded me or shouted at me. But now i always fight back and i start taking a good care of my self. I know our fight will effect my kid but then i dont want to lose my respect anymore and i dont let him to put me down anymore. Now rori, my heart is just not letting me to stay in the house. I have many times told him to go for mutual divorce to overcome the problem. But unfortunately he doesnt want to agree to it because he wants the son. But i feel by being together and fighting like this, is no good for my son.Now i m in my 6th year of marriage and i m really trying hard to get separation from him for the goodnesss of my son and me. I have send my marriage document to the lawyer to proceed with my divorce without his knowing. I just couldnt suffer anymore rori. There are many people asking me to stay in this marriage just for the sake of my son but i dont belief it helps me in any way. Please advice me rori. I really need you advice rori…

    Wednesday, 8 June 2011 @ 12:45am

  40. 40: ValenciaNo Gravatar says:

    Right now I need to find a job and a place to live. The girl my boyfriend is messing with gave him a choice and of course he put away the good girl for the bad one so I am out the door. Funny thing is he always said he doesn’t want a woman like the one he cheating on me with yet he chose her over me so who am I to fight. I don’t fight I let other’s win. I especially do not believe in fighting a sister because I won’t only be disrespecting her I will be disrespecting myself the way I look at it.

    I have been crying my eyes out night and day. I have been literally starving myself because I have no appetite. To top it off he wants me gone so he can move her in and I have no place to go. I feel so totally lost and do not know what to do. Because he’s being mean, cold and heartless to me he wants me to be the same to him so everytime I offer to help with something or continue to do my duty as a girlfriend he just spew more hatred at me and that hurts. I do not believe in repaying evil with evil and that’s what he wants me to do. I’ve even told him to just go ahead and tell him mother and his friends I am the one that cheated if it will make him feel better about himself.

    Why are people like this. I’ve been in 4 relationships and they all do me the same way and leave me for the kind of girl they say they don’t want. When things don’t work out they want to come back to the “good girl”. I am me and I am real and I will not change into someone I am not. I believe in do unto others as I would have them done unto me and I fear God not man and I refuse to treat a person nasty because they treating me that way. I just cant understand life.

    I am a very educated woman. I have a bachelor’s and about to graduate with my master’s. I am a fast learner at any job I do so what I don’t get is these employers telling me I am either too over qualified or not qualified enough. When I am not hearing that I am hearing I have no experience. How does one gain experience if they are not given the opportunity to prove themselves and gain that experience.

    All I want is a job and a place to stay so I can give him what he wants. As long as he’s happy that’s good I don’t want to be standing in his way of happiness or in the happiness of another sistah. I pray everyday and I have faith but sometimes I feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ear, but I will not give up and I will not lose hope. I know God is listening and everything happen in his timing. i just feel so lost and alone.

    Saturday, 2 July 2011 @ 2:14pm

  41. 41: preetiNo Gravatar says:

    hi roli!!
    i have read ur expert advice and felt really some good with suggestion of urs when husbands cheat their wives..
    i am also in somekind of situation and really and desperately i need ur advice and help.

    Its been one and a half years of my marriage and it was like love cum arrange.IT was started arrange then wid the interest of my husband and me it became love cum arrange.he vows to my parents that he wil always keep me happy and took good care of me.
    but soon after marriage,only five days hve passed he started fighting wid me on petty things.there was no sexual relationship established between us after our marriage.evrytime he weeps for money and his job..at the time of sleeping , he fights wid me and create issues on petty things.
    previously i was thinking that he might hve involved somewhere emotionally and physically but couldn’t caught him.
    then after some month i came to realize that he is impotent.he is having some problems.i told to my parents.they hve given him medicine but he didnt eat them nor he is intersted in seeking a doctor.everytime he weeps for money,and career.he doesnt think of me how i am feeling right now.he dont want to understand my problems.he didnt give me any happiness since our marriage nor did he had taken me to honeymoon.everytime he fights for money.he insults me infront of evryone.he abuses me.he had great expectation of me that i care for each and evryperson in his family.but he dont care for me.everytime he criticizes me that i m not looking good..i hve so many flaws.he always blames me for everything.he always talks about money and his financial crisis and expect my family to help me financially but he dont feel guilty that what he is doing to their daughter.he never introduced his friends to me till now.whenever i go outside wid him for outing or movies,he makes me feel forgranted.he doesnt walk wid me nor i can hold his hand though i am his wife.he shouts at me and abuses me at market place and at house.but i am not that much ugly.i am good looking and smart girl.but everytimes his intention is to fight and criticize me.
    if i wanted to talk to him and make him understand ,he doesnt listen to me nor tries to understand my conditon.
    roly,i am really struggling wid emotionaal,mental and physical crisis.since i belong to india ,divorce are not so easy in hindus.my parents says to me if he will be cured physically then he will be alright.

    but in those one and a half ears he tortuted me mentally,emotionally and physically.his bad abusements and insulting,i cant forget.
    i dont know wat to do??i dont know wat he wants
    ??he dont share to whom he meet not does he tell me about his circle.i really cant understand him….whats going on his mind??
    roly please help me to get out of this situation.i m really depressed.i married him for love but i didnt get anything.he dont value me.he has so much flaws in himself .nor does he feel gulty of anything he did to me.
    i am living wid my parents rite now and now i am focussed on myself and getting good job so that i dont depend on him financially.he gives expenditure for my expenses that too i hve to take wid him forcibly.
    but my married life is really hurting me and i am very much disturbed …i cant concentrate and focus.evrytime i think of his betrayal…plz help me and guide me roly.i will be really thankful to u.

    god bless u!!

    Monday, 1 August 2011 @ 1:12pm

  42. 42: preetiNo Gravatar says:

    hi rori!!
    i have read ur expert advice and felt really some good with suggestion of urs when husbands cheat their wives..
    i am also in somekind of situation and really and desperately i need ur advice and help.

    Its been one and a half years of my marriage and it was like love cum arrange.IT was started arrange then wid the interest of my husband and me it became love cum arrange.he vows to my parents that he wil always keep me happy and took good care of me.
    but soon after marriage,only five days hve passed he started fighting wid me on petty things.there was no sexual relationship established between us after our marriage.evrytime he weeps for money and his job..at the time of sleeping , he fights wid me and create issues on petty things.
    previously i was thinking that he might hve involved somewhere emotionally and physically but couldn’t caught him.
    then after some month i came to realize that he is impotent.he is having some problems.i told to my parents.they hve given him medicine but he didnt eat them nor he is intersted in seeking a doctor.everytime he weeps for money,and career.he doesnt think of me how i am feeling right now.he dont want to understand my problems.he didnt give me any happiness since our marriage nor did he had taken me to honeymoon.everytime he fights for money.he insults me infront of evryone.he abuses me.he had great expectation of me that i care for each and evryperson in his family.but he dont care for me.everytime he criticizes me that i m not looking good..i hve so many flaws.he always blames me for everything.he always talks about money and his financial crisis and expect my family to help me financially but he dont feel guilty that what he is doing to their daughter.he never introduced his friends to me till now.whenever i go outside wid him for outing or movies,he makes me feel forgranted.he doesnt walk wid me nor i can hold his hand though i am his wife.he shouts at me and abuses me at market place and at house.but i am not that much ugly.i am good looking and smart girl.but everytimes his intention is to fight and criticize me.
    if i wanted to talk to him and make him understand ,he doesnt listen to me nor tries to understand my conditon.
    rori,i am really struggling wid emotionaal,mental and physical crisis.since i belong to india ,divorce are not so easy in hindus.my parents says to me if he will be cured physically then he will be alright.

    but in those one and a half ears he tortuted me mentally,emotionally and physically.his bad abusements and insulting,i cant forget.
    i dont know wat to do??i dont know wat he wants
    ??he dont share to whom he meet not does he tell me about his circle.i really cant understand him….whats going on his mind??
    rori please help me to get out of this situation.i m really depressed.i married him for love but i didnt get anything.he dont value me.he has so much flaws in himself .nor does he feel gulty of anything he did to me.
    i am living wid my parents rite now and now i am focussed on myself and getting good job so that i dont depend on him financially.he gives expenditure for my expenses that too i hve to take wid him forcibly.
    but my married life is really hurting me and i am very much disturbed …i cant concentrate and focus.evrytime i think of his betrayal…plz help me and guide me rori.i will be really thankful to u.

    god bless u!!

    Monday, 1 August 2011 @ 2:12pm

  43. 43: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Sad and heartbroken!!!

    Hi Rori,

    I am writing because I need some advice. I have been with a man for almost @ 2 1/2 years. I met him through a friend almost 4 years ago. via mysapce and over the phone. I heard he thought I was cute back then but never got asked out. I met up with him at the end of 09 for him to become my trainer. I instantly liked him trained for a few months then got involved with him sexually and emotionally. He told me where was I a few years back when he was looking to marry someone and ended up going back to his ex that broke his heart. He told me that he wanted to be with me and I rejected him when that wasnt true. We contined to be together and grew closer and closer he’s my best friend as well never went a day without talking. WHen I got to close he would push me away or mention he cant get over the ex. Now recently he heard rumors that I had a boyfriend and got upset. I talked to him and told him it wasnt true. Again he brought up his ex and said he cant get over her even though its been 5 years and she lives in another state. He said he cant give me what I need. I feel he uses that as his defense mechanism if he feels like Im going to hurt him because he knows that hurts me to hear that. I cried and told him I cant continue this with him that I love him to much and I cant allow this to happen to me. Its been almost a week and he has been checking up on me and says he misses me and prays for both of us. I havent responded. WHAT DO I DO???

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 9:36am

  44. 44: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica keep leaning back but tell him exactly how you feel when he calls. Is he contacting you via email or phone?

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 9:55am

  45. 45: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica I am reposting this for you.

    From an old Rori email
    Heartache is a habit. One that doesn’t get you anywhere goo. S, first in order to switch a habit you have to have some idea of what you really want. You have to know what you’re going for.

    So here’s the First Step of This Tool: Let’s Call it “SWITCH FOCUS”
    Wherever you are, even if it’s just 5 seconds, try this:
    Visualize, imagine, and perhaps even write down on a scrap of paper, in a special journal or my ebook, the kind of relationship you want. Imagine and write it in great, sensual, tactile detail, to make it as real as you can for yourself. While you’re imagining this great relationship, any time yo come back to thinking about the heartache and misery you’re experiencing right now with this man (yes, your thoughts will go back there, don’t worry when it happens), NOTICE what’s going on in your mind, your body and your heart.
    Then SWITCH
    As gently as you can, without beating yourself up – please no beating yourself up – switch from the thought about this man to the thought about the RELATIONSHIP you want. Get into the detail, the closeness. Now – FOCUS on that!
    Every time you start to think of the man who’s breaking your heart right now, tell yourself you’re done being safe in heartache, and you want to take a chance on real love.
    Tell yourself you’re brave and strong.
    When you find yourself slipping into “heartache” thought, switch to the detail you dreamed up about what it would be like in a great relationship. Don’t worry if you feel like crying – go ahead and cry – that’s a good thing! Let your feelings out but don’t let them stop you from Switching Focus. Just keep on doing it.
    Okay – now we need step 2 for this SWITCH FOCUS Tool.
    Take the switch one more level.
    Once you’ve got the hang of switching from the misery you’re in to the fabulous relationship you want, I want you to start switching that great, fabulous detailed imaginary experience of the great relationship you want to be in, to something REAL that’s right in front of you.
    This could be: The may you’re on a date with. Instead of thinking about whether or not you’re bored with him or how he doesn’t measure up, get curious.
    Use every Tool in my Toolkit that sings to you personally to keep yourself grounded and in the present moment, and look at him. Count the hairs in his eyebrows if you must to keep yourself FOCUSSED on what’s in front of you.
    It could be flower on the table at the diner. It could be the feel of the tablecloth. It could be the rug you’re sitting on. It could be the fork or spoon in your hand.
    Get yourself focused on your EXERIENCE of something real and physical in the moment.
    Remember noticing what you’re feeling on as deep a level as I can help you get to, and noticing what’s around you are the hugest steps to take toward getting the relationship you want.
    Your focus will come off this man and onto the rest of your life.
    And that will shift your “vibe”. And he’ll notice that.

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 9:58am

  46. 46: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    He has been contacting me via text message. I havent responded because I dont know what to say. I already said alot I even said if he asked me to marry him tommorrow I would! I know he cares and loves me. He has said in the past hes scared to get hurt. But yet he’s doing the hurt. The last text he sent. Im worried about u and I miss u Please let me know your ok and I wont bother you. and Yesterday he wrote Fine I hope you’re well. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I understand. I’ll leave you be…

    I dont know what to do

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 10:03am

  47. 47: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I would just call him and tell him how I am feeling. HE ASKED YOU TO LET HIM KNOW. He cannot read your mind and might even think you have moved on to another man, who knows. If you are hurting too much to keep contact with him because of how it makes you feel I would tell him that even if I end up crying.

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 10:10am

  48. 48: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont know if I still ignore him until he calls or just go ahead and text him back? Ive gotten advice from friends that told me I should ignore him if he’s that worried about me he should come look for me not do it over a text

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 10:11am

  49. 49: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I hate be ignored because I experience it as disrespect. Him texting means he is concerned and he said it. I believe it is okay to let him know you prefer to be contacted via phone, let him know you still have strong feelings for him and it is too painful to be keep in contact with someone who you have romantic feelings for because things are not working out and that you need to do this to take care of yourself because you respect your feelings and want to honor yourself.

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 10:18am

  50. 50: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    If you text back you will be indicating that it is okay for him to deal with important things via text. For me that is impersonal and will lead in the direction that I want things to go. If he chooses to continue backing off I would tell him he is free to do that and that I am open to hearing from him if he changes his mind but until then I would prefer not to hear from him.

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 10:20am

  51. 51: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for your advice. I did contact him and will do the leaning back. I appreciate you taking your time to help out. I will keep you posted

    Friday, 16 September 2011 @ 4:39pm

  52. 52: mindyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Rori

    I’ve been married for 12yrs and have two beautiful childeren. I just found out that my husband has an affair. Since he became 40 this year, he seems so distant from me and didn’t do any physical touch. We haven’t had a sex almost over 7months. Since I found out his affair, he started to sleep in guest room. Not only he doesn’t have any feeling for me, but also he falls in love with her. Fortunately other woman started pushing him away to go back to his family because it’s too hard for her to have a relationship with a married man. He told me that we are so different and has no emotional connection. He seems regret of our marriage. Since he loves our children so much, and other woman is pushing him away, also I’m always ready to accept him again, he won’t leave us, but he doesn’t have hope with me for our relationship. In my marriage I’ve never doubted about his love and I think I was so get used to take his love, and take advantage of it, but didn’t know how to love and show.. I was so self centered and hurt him in many ways. Through his betrayal, I learned so many things and willing to change myself. Hope it’s not too late. If time goes by, his feeling for me will be back? He doen’t feel comfortable with me now.

    Saturday, 17 September 2011 @ 12:02am

  53. 53: KimberyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori, I’ve been subscribed to you for awhile now and just in a situation I don’t know what to do. I met and fell in love with a man. I was separated from my ex, who did not want me physically or sexually and met this man who thought I was the most beautiful and sexy thing ever. We had a date and while we exchanged “history” he mentioned that he had a close female friend that has been there for him for the last few years but that it was a casual, best friends relationship and was occasionally sexual to fulfill needs. This woman lives a few hours away, has her own business and comes up frequently for business and stays at his place. He assured me it was not a committed relationship and off we went to an intense emotional and passion filled relationship. 5 months in, I could feel him withdrawing. She was up all the time and had no clue that I even existed and the whole summer went like that. Our times together were lunches and early morning workouts at the gym. Sex stopped. I started questioning him about it all and his response was he was torn. I made the mistake once of looking her up on facebook, saw how she looked and asked the question “Why are you with me when you have that?” My self esteem has been shredded for so long due to the 19 year marriage I was in that I didn’t believe I was beautiful or sexy. So seeing her, put in that place of “less then”. I guess when I asked him that question, it made him really take a step back and ask himself that very same question and that is when the withdrawing began. Fast forward to now, he has told her about me and she has been asking him and fighting with him about a commitment. I have tried to walk away from him and he pulls me back in. He swears he is not having sex with her and when we are together he is tender and touches me but does not let anything go beyond snuggling and kissing lightly. I know part of me doesn’t want to let go of him for fear that I won’t find anyone like him. He really is amazing outside of the fact he can’t choose between her or me. The emotional and physical intensity between us in off the charts and I think that is why he won’t let me go. He says I bring something special to his life that he can’t imagine not ever having and then he turns around and says he can’t imagine his life without her either. She helped him through a month of recovery from a serious accident and he feels indebted to her. I don’t know, Rori, I love him so much. I fear walking away after being so exposed and don’t know that I can do it again. I gave everything to my husband and tried everything to get him to open up and let me in. I gave everything to this man too and I am faced with this situation. What do I do?

    Sunday, 27 November 2011 @ 6:45am

  54. 54: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kimbery – Welcome – and the cure here is to cure your “definition” of your “low self-esteem.” You CAN feel better – and fast. I know everyone here will help you with this…and it’s about Circular Dating BIG TIME – (and knowing HOW to do it and how to maximize it and make it so it’s a HEALING thing for you) – and about talking to yourself and feeling yourself in a new way. You might want to change all the externals you can – hair, nails, wardrobe, colors, surroundings – just so YOU feel like your having a fresh start.

    This man is doing nothing for you right now – and yet, he might. It’s only YOU you have control of – get craking NOW and things will change quickly. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 27 November 2011 @ 12:12pm

  55. 55: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,
    We met in July married in oct.2011.In Nov.2011 I found out my new husband had been having an affair with the woman that he dated for 1&1/2 yrs.and had been left by her 2weeks before we met.He says he is still in love with her and she tells me they only stopped having sex for one month of my entire relationship. I kicked him out in January after I found out he was talking to another former interest. We are still separated and he is mostly seeing her but we have been intimate several times since the split.
    He just told me he will not be speaking to me anymore. I don’t believe in divorce and won’t date while married. He said he truly loves us both and we married too fast(probably true). He said he wanted to give me his whole heart but can’t because they are still in love and never had closure. When I ignore him he gets scared and starts talking about moving back home but refuses to change his number or cut off other relationship. I truly love the man and know he truly loves me but they keep reconnecting, oh yeah and here is the kicker…she is still married too. I am very capable of forgiveness but wont be a doormat.
    HELPPPPPPP Rory!!!!
    Wanting it to work.

    Tuesday, 20 March 2012 @ 8:11pm

  56. 56: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Robin, I deleted your last name for your privacy. I would never tell you what to do – but by not dating other men right now, and not even considering divorce, you are putting yourself in a miserable box. I’d want to get out of the box. Love, rori

    Wednesday, 21 March 2012 @ 12:13pm

  57. 57: SadNo Gravatar says:

    hi! although i have more questions, currently i would love to know the best response to give my husband for this situation. i have been practicing the lean back (works awesome), going with it when he does show interest and actually talks (nice), etc. he is having sex with another woman, and i sort of lost it the two nights ago after yet another roundevou with her. i simply stated the facts that i knew he was seeing her. then last night on phone with him he told me i was a fool and did not have any idea what i was talking about. i told him both he and i know what he is doing and it is not right and not fair. if he needs to be with her then that is what he needs to do. dead silence on phone. end of conversation for the night which was fine with me. he did come home to sleep as always. here is the question: he keeps texting me that “he does care” and i don’t know a good response. at this point i don’t even now if i want to try to get him back or not. thank you!!

    Thursday, 4 October 2012 @ 5:27am

  58. 58: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sad – If you were my client – I’d fill pages and pages with instructions for you. Get your mojo back. Circular Date. Take classes. Make money. Volunteer. Date men and sleep with them if you want. Live your life. Let this man make the decision to either come crawling back and beg you to take him back – or if he’ll just stay in limbo like this forever. So – stop WAITING for him to wake up or stay asleep! Please – your whole life does NOT depend on any ONE man!!! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 4 October 2012 @ 10:58am

  59. 59: SadNo Gravatar says:

    oh Rori, thank you!!! that is what i needed to hear. …love you!!!! i am signing up to take a dance class, and joining a gym to work out. he texted me this morning and said “i guess i will look for a new place to live that will be the best thing, we just can’t live together.” i texted him back “ok”. i think it shocked him. he asked if that is what i want and i answered by asking him if that is what he wanted. short history: we just had our 13th anniversary in sept. we coexisted for 5 years, i moved out and we were apart for 7 years (dated eachother for about a year during that time). we got back together about a year ago and he moved into my house april this year. i own 2 small businesses and its a real challenge to get out and meet people. i will give this a genuine effort. thank you thank you thank you. BTW: i found you via your interview with christian carter. i have listened to that CD about 12 times in the past 2 weeks. much love, Sad–soon to be Happy!!!

    Thursday, 4 October 2012 @ 12:05pm

  60. 60: SadNo Gravatar says:

    rory, should i continue to do this with my husband: “whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm”. should i still go out to dinner with him when he asks? should i have sex with him? or just shut him out for now? thank you!!!

    Friday, 5 October 2012 @ 6:11am

  61. 61: ValenciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori I’m a little confused right now. The first time my fiance cheated on me I left and he pleaded and pleaded for 8 months for me to come back and said he would never do it again. After I came back everything was good he was more attentive and spends more time with me instead of on the streets. Three months after I came back I realized the signs again, his going out and coming back after 2, 3 or 4 in the morning and telling me he was hanging with his boys. Three months ago after I keep having the strangest feeling that he was asleeping around, I waited until he was asleep and I searched his phone and realize he’s not just sleeping with one girl he’s sleeping with more than 20 and about a quarter of them bareback no condoms. I spoke with a couple of them and they all thought the same thing, that he was their boyfriend until I told them I am his fiance so they cannot be his girlfriend. 2 apologized to me, the others cursed him out and he in turn cursed me out and told me to get the *bleep* out of his house, that I am nothing, he doesn’t care about me, I am crazy, everything in the book he can find. I went and I took a STD test and found out that I had herpes. After I told him that because of his infidelity I now have an STD I have to live with. He was so scared, his pressure went up he went and got tested also and found out that he too has herpes. He kept apologizing and saying he will never cheat on me again. He closed all of his dating profiles. Well three months ago he opened more dating profiles with the new sites he saw advertize on tv and he started cheating again. Well I kept praying like my mom and his mom told me to but truth and in fact I’m just hurt. Well couple weeks ago when he told me that he was going to the store, I had a feeling he wasn’t but I said nothing. I couldn’t sleep that night because I had a strong feeling something wasn’t right. four hours after he left one of his male friends came knocking on my door saying he’s in jail he was pulled over by the cop for driving on a suspended license. This is where I need some advice. I bailed him out sending myself broke, he promised to leave the streets alone AGAIN, but I don’t believe that. I’m not an unkind person and my first instinct is to go ahead and pay his ticket but I am afraid the min I do that and he get his license back that he will be right back out there running the streets and sleeping around. What should I know?

    Saturday, 13 October 2012 @ 8:40pm

  62. 62: KTWNo Gravatar says:

    Like most women I’m just as confused as most I think. I have been with my husband for 10 year 5 of those years have been married. He has been having an affair since 2010 with a women 20 years his senior. I confronted him in 2012 after I found a hotel receipt when he should have been golfing. Of course he denied it at first until I told him a girlfriend of mine saw him at the hotel. I gave him a choice her or me. Lucky me he picked me, NOT. He has continued to see her at least once a week, talks to her daily on the phone, which he does not know I know about this becuase I check the phone. I just purchased your Modern Siren program and I’m working my way through the program. It is difficult becuase finacially and emotional I’m attacked to him. What advice do you have for someone who’s working through the programs trying to find themselves and not loosing their minds at the same time. He said he choose me but I think he’s just choose comfortable. She has two children which he never wanted children. I think he loves me the best way he knows how, but that’s not good enough for me. I feel I need to find myself before making an major changes in my life. I feel like I lost “me” in this relationship and trying desperately to find myself. Please help a confused and loavable person, becuase I do know that I am loveable, I just pick the wrong men.

    Monday, 29 October 2012 @ 8:54pm

  63. 63: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    KTW – What do you suppose this woman gives him that he likes to be around? If you want him – that’s the question to be asking yourself. Modern Siren is amazing – and you’ll get SO much more out of it if you work with the ebook – it’s fast, a workbook, and it gives you the essential basics that Modern Siren builds on…Love, Rori

    Monday, 29 October 2012 @ 9:33pm

  64. 64: KTWNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the direction. I do have your ebook and i am working through it as well.

    Thursday, 1 November 2012 @ 5:52pm

  65. 65: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I am going through the same kind of scenario as Mindy. I have been in a 13 year relationship with the only man I ever loved, have a two year old with him and am currently 21 weeks pregnant with his second. Things haven’t been great with us for a while-ignoring each other and just going through the motions. I suspected he was cheating and confronted him telling him I deserved to know as I was pregnant but he denied it. I eventually found proof and he admitted that he had been seeing another woman for the past two months and he felt nothi g for me and he had gone to her as he felt I didn’t love him. He has now told me that he feels nothing for me and he is going to give it a chance with her. Only thing is he has agreed to stay living with me until the baby is born to help me but I have to sit here knowing he is going to see her. We have slept together since all this has come out and even though he tells me it’s just sex with me it’s still messing with my head. I’ve told him I still love him and want him back an he says he doesn’t feel for me but who knows what will happen between now and the baby being born. I really don’t know what to do-I feel so low and I can’t get up and go out and feel sexy as I’m pregnant with his baby. I feel that I keep questioning him constantly and pushing him towards her even more, what shall I do?

    Monday, 17 December 2012 @ 6:58am

  66. 66: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Carla – Welcome, and you need help. Professional, personal help. You need to focus on yourself and your baby and your two-year old, and learn to love yourself and everyone else. Make sure that he provides for your children financially in a legal way, be as warm and civil and kind and relaxed as you can work on yourself to be (that’s good for the baby) – and treat him like a friend if you need his presence in the house (I can understand that). questioning and pushing him is only going to make everything worse. Pull back and smile at YOURSELF for your children’s sake. Love, Rori

    Monday, 17 December 2012 @ 10:09am

  67. 67: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori, that’s exactly what I’m going o do-otherwise I’m just torturing myself! I have an amazing family and the hardest was telling them because I somehow felt embarrassed but they have all been very supportive and that’s what I’m going to focus on! X

    Monday, 17 December 2012 @ 12:53pm

  68. 68: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori, that’s exactly what I’m going o do-otherwise I’m just torturing myself! I have an amazing family and the hardest was telling them because I somehow felt embarrassed but they have all been very supportive and that’s what I’m going to focus on!

    Monday, 17 December 2012 @ 12:55pm

  69. 69: VidaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Roi

    I recently found out that my husband has been hidden our engagement and wedding form all his circle. mainly girls and women who were involved with him. and I also found out that he brought one of them (at least I know that much) to my house when I was visiting my parents. exactly same month we got married. I don’t know how to react to the situation. I am sure there are plenty and I never could trust him before too. now I cant ever again trust him. I dont want to attract him towards myself. Im pretty enough and every thing from sex to household I have been perfect. he was in tears in our wedding day! he must be sick I know but how I should react to the situation ?
    I need your help here

    Thank you very much

    Thursday, 3 January 2013 @ 3:17am

  70. 70: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Vida – I have no answer for you that you don’t already have. If you want to stay married to this man, then talk to him and find out what he wants to do, and if he feels capable (or even desirous) of a monogamous marriage with you – and, therefore, if you’re even suited to each other. He’s not doing this because he’s “bad” – he simply may not be the right husband for you. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 3 January 2013 @ 9:43am

  71. 71: FrannieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! I know this post is old, so I’m not sure if anyone is still reading it. If you are, I need some advice.

    I did something this morning that I feel ashamed of. I read my boyfriend’s email. He left his facebook account open on my computer and I just couldn’t help myself. Even as I was doing it, I knew that I shouldn’t be…but now that I did, I’m glad – here’s why:

    I found out that he has been emailing at least two of his ex’s, telling them how much he still loves them and wants to get back together with them. These emails were sent during the time that we were together (beginning of December). He also emailed a friend of his ex-wife, telling her how much he still loved the ex and even after all the bad crap that has happened between them he would take her back.

    My question is, how do I go about confronting him about this? I know that he’s going to be pissed that I read his email, but I feel pissed that he keeps telling me he loves me and that he wants to marry me, blah blah blah…all the while he is still contacting other women telling them he loves them!

    I know I deserve better, I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me 100%, not someone who is sneaking around behind my back to email several ex’s…I just don’t know how to approach the subject with him this evening.

    Thanks for all your help ladies!
    Happy New Year!

    Thursday, 3 January 2013 @ 12:06pm

  72. 72: SandyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    It is my first time reading your blogs but I started reading the stories and your answers to other people and I found them very helpful…first I have to say that my English is not to good because its not my first language.

    I never had the strength to write about my problems in my marriage before but this is the first time I feel I can do it.

    My husband and met 3 years ago through a mutual friend and we both felt for each other at that time he was leaving with a woman for a couple of months and he had told me everything about that woman and also decided by himself that this woman wasn’t what he was looking for …After only two months dating I got pregnant for him he moved in with me right away and he stopped his relationship with that other woman…In the beginning we had a great relationship we talked about our past and we were comfortable with each other he admitted to me that prior to our relationship he hired a personal assistant and to exercise his power he started sleeping with her but everything was over between them after he met me….he proposed to me after four months in the relationship he forced me to quit my job and started providing everything I wanted…..after a while I found out he was lying to woman he use to leave with that he was busy working that’s why he wouldn’t go see her from his phone…I also realized that the other woman wasn’t aware of what was going on so I decided to call her and told her everything about my pregnancy and our engagement she was an older woman and thank me for telling her the truth ..he was very scared I stopped talking to him for a while and also asked him to leave ….but he apologized and I guess after she confronted her he came and thank me too and said that he did not know how to tell her…After that situation our life was amazing and everything was going well…until one day after giving birth to our daughter and we got married… he started changing with me…. lying about he’s whereabouts and he put a lock on his phone ….I started investigating and I found out that he was still sleeping with the so call personal assistance that is also an older woman who is older than him and by the way my husband is 12 years older than me….I started confronting him he kept denying everything until one day I called that woman …she was also surprised did not know that he was married and had a 3 months old daughter …she also thank and continued their relationship together ….ever since than he keeps saying that I am interfering with his money because she helps him make money and she was there before me and I am not bringing anything on the table so if I want to leave I could…..I started drinking heavily and got a DUI which change my plans because its hard for me to get a job and I am stuck with him supporting me in everything and disrespecting me ….I stop the drinking from getting back into my spiritual journey and started working and be happy now my husband is jealous of me and don’t want me to have friends he brakes my phones and always saying negative things about me and I now realized that this is a form of abuse he use just to make me feel that I ‘am worthless and I am not making no money ,I am using him, I am sleeping with other people….this kills me so much this other woman knows everything about me because my husband tells her on the other end he gets extremely upset when I talked to him about her…..I have a son from a previous relationship and he is diagnose with autism this told me that my husband told her that my son is crazy…he has a key to her house and sometimes he used to argue with me and leave the house to o sleep at her house…the last time he did that I waited a couple of hours and went to her house @ 7 am because I had a feeling he had went o sleep there …yes when I got there his car was parked there….. I knocked on the door she wouldn’t open and I let her know that it was me and I broke his car….I knew this was crazy for me to do but at that time this made feel so good …..he could not come back home he was to ashamed and was texting me like crazy begging me to take him back after 3 months he started seeing her again but with more precautions……I feel like I m stuck and he no longer have respect for me because i keep saying that i am going to leave him and i never did…..used to love my husband dearly but now I don’t if what I feel is love because every time he s trying to be nice to me I feel a rage ,I keep bringing back the past and I know he’s still seeing her…and I think because she knows everything about me she knows what to do to make him come back to her ….my daughter loves her dad very much but I need a way out because this situation is affecting my health I can’t sleep at night and can’t eat and I am loosing my hair….I think I became obsessed by this situation I always bring it up even when we having a good time my husband calls me insecure and he keeps saying that the woman is a no body and he ‘s just using her he said that he new her before me and he did not settle down with her there’s nothing going on between them….I don’t want to cheat on him I don’t know why…..no matter what he tries to do to make me happy isn’t helping ….before me my husband had three kids with three different mothers and I am the fourth one I don’ t know why I got myself into this ,…I never had any men treated me this way before …..please help me sorry for writing so much I still have more that I cannot put it would take me three days to talk about my situation ….I want to be free and happy again and stop thinking about those painful stuff…

    Thursday, 7 March 2013 @ 12:11pm

  73. 73: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sandy, Welcome, and though, from your letter, it’s hard to imagine your husband being rehabilitated into an “upstanding” man – it seems to me the work has to start with you. You need to get work. You need to support yourself and take care of your baby and your son. I’d pretty much try to get peaceful with your husband so that whatever happens you remain friends. He IS the father of your child, and you’re going to need his financial support if you leave him. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 7 March 2013 @ 12:58pm

  74. 74: ValenciaNo Gravatar says:

    @Sandy
    Your situation picture mine to a T. My fiance keeps sleeping around even with a coworker of mine who didn’t know I was his fiance because when asked the question he said he has “nobody”. She apologize to me genuinely, she doesn’t even speak to him can’t even stand him. He hates that she and I are the beat of friends now but I got respect for her because when she found out from another coworker about me she was ready to hang him. He is now sleeping with another girl and I pretend I don’t know and he thinks I do not know. Before that I knew all he was sleeping with and I confronted a couple. Some apologize some brag how they get more time with him than I do. He would pick silly fights to find a reason to leave to go to one of them. I left and he kept crying come back I did after 6 months. The sec time I left he said they were nobody just friends yet his phone is always lock and if I’m doing something on his phone he watching closely to make sure no one text him. One day I had to put music on his phone and it was the day he was suppose to be spending time with me since I was off and he told me he had to work. In came a text from Bridgett saying baby I really miss u bad are u still coming over. I said nothing but I watched to see if he would leave. Eventually he must have felt guilty he say oh I’m not going I’m too tired I’m gonna call off. He pretend to call his supervisor to call off but there was no one on the phone because when he’s on the phone I can always hear the person on the other side. He has 4 kids and when we started I only knew about one. Then that son mother called me and asked if I know he has 3 more. I confronted him he kept saying no he doesn’t. But you see god works in mysterious ways and what’s done in the dark will come to light some how. About 6 months into our relationship one woman took him to child support and because I’m a paralegal he needed my help so he told me about that one. I asked him does he have anymore he said no. Last October his mother suggested the other woman take him to child support and he wasn’t making any money and he needed my help again so he told me about her and tried to explain it away. One time he told me his mother, his aunt and his cousins was coming and that I should go see my sister for awhile. It was suppose to be a 1 week trip that turned into 2 cause he said they were still here. When I came back I found 2 pics of 2 little girl he said was his aunt’s children. I said nothing I did as my mom told me to stay quiet and be patient the truth will come out. In November he was tearing up some papers and pictures of old girlfriends and when he came across one pic he said this those lil girls mother, this my ex quita. I kept quiet and he notice so he sat me down he said I know I told u is my aunt children but I thought if I told u whose children they are that you’ll through a fit. I still kept quiet and just listen. When he was finish I say how did u get those pics. He said the girl(quita) father was in Atlanta and gave them to him. I say so he just saw u and gave u 2 pics of ur ex kids hmmm ok. My next question to him was, did his aunt and mother really came those weeks I was gone. His mother came here in December and I kept waiting for her to say something and then one day she said I never know it’s so cold Atlanta is, this is my first and last coming here. I turn to him then I turn to her to ask her wat she meant and he changed the subject. Then one day she said she want to go by her sister I said I thought Jeff said his aunt doesn’t live here. When he notice I caught him in yet another lie he tried to explain it away and I just listen and smile. I’m telling u reading ur story is like deja vu. I’m starting to find my happiness because I don’t pay him no attention, I don’t let him going out cheating get to me anymore, I talk to whom ever I please and I do and go wherever I want to. He tries to tell me people are this and that to get me to stay fretting over him. He has come to realize it no longer has any effect so he told his mom and mine that I am cheating and I just had to laugh. I’m finding my strength everyday and I am happier doing me and not paying him any attention.

    Friday, 8 March 2013 @ 12:31am

  75. 75: SandyNo Gravatar says:

    @Valencia

    Wow from reading your story, I can see that we are definitely in a similar situation.What you are doing by keeping silence is the best thing you can do because silence is very powerful.I am trying to practice keeping silence too but sometimes I feel so much pain I just can’t but I leave everything in God’s hand now ! And I believe in karma …continue doing what you are doing you are a strong woman!!! Your innocence will bring ou victory !!!!

    Friday, 8 March 2013 @ 9:32am

  76. 76: SandyNo Gravatar says:

    @Rori,

    Thank you for replying to me and I know that the work has to start with me, I am starting little by little …I started a spiritual journey that really help me to focus on other more important stuff…I have a week left from earning my degree…I need to start my own business soon and take it from there …thank you for your help….do you have any book that you can suggest to me that can help with my situation?

    Friday, 8 March 2013 @ 9:43am

  77. 77: ValenciaNo Gravatar says:

    @Sandy
    Believe me sandy its not as easy as it seems. Sometimes when I’m alone I scream at the top of my lungs when what I really want to do is confront him. Last night I had to work a double and I finished at 4 this morning. I told him I was working a double and because he thinks he lies about his whereabouts that because I’m keeping quiet and pretending to be happy, that it has to do with someone else. He showed up here at work talking bout he had to put air in the jeep tire. When he left I had me a good laugh. I told him at 4 that I was finished and I guess he wanted to make sure he ask me to bring him something to eat at his job. Believe me when I say karma is a witch and I will have the last laugh. God has not left me yet and I don’t think he will either. If and when this is over between me and him I know I will be ok, and it starts with me not paying attention to where he goes, who he’s with, what he’s doing nothing that he does interests me anymore. By me ignoring him and doing my own thing I notice I am growing stronger and stronger daily. I thank my mother for her good advice of not paying him any attention. My mom told me every time I run behind him, check up on him, call the females it gives him the power and he feel like he doesn’t have to stop cause I keep checking on him so just ignore him and do me. Ever since I took my mom’s advice I realize he’s been watching me instead, because I ignore him. So now he thinks I’m the one cheating because I don’t question him anymore or call the girls. Sometimes he get on the phone pretending to talk to one of them then he leaves and thinks that I will wait up worrying about what he’s doing. About 2 months back he did that and when he came back I was asleep the next morning he started saying I don’t care about whether he makes it home or not cause I went to sleep and didn’t wait to see if he got home.

    Trust me just do u, ignore him and you will see the difference. One thing though do not forgive too easily. I did that with my fiance and that’s why he kept doing it because I would always accept his “I’m sorry’s”. I’m not doing that no more I am going to continue ignoring him and do me. If he really needs me in his life he will honestly and truly make a change, before I can really say its worth forgiving.

    Sunday, 10 March 2013 @ 7:24pm

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