If Your Husband Betrays You, Do This

What To Do If Your Man Still Feels Emotional About Another Woman

A man can betray us in many ways.

He can betray us sexually. He can simply lie to us about how he feels. He can have an emotional connection with another woman that takes him away from us. He can have a fantasy life that keeps him from committing fully to a deep relationship with us.

Mimi wrote a comment to my post on what to do if your man betrays you, and I wanted to use it to jump off of here…

Mimi’s husband fell “in love” with a woman at work 17 years into their 19 year marriage, and he still seems to be “mooning” over her.

Mimi is caught between wanting to save her marriage and just give up and start fresh… She said:

“I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me…How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away? Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits? I love him but I don’t want to share his love.”

Here’s my answer: Mimi, ask yourself if you want to fight this and keep your marriage together, or do you want to give up?

And the weird thing – giving up is the best way to fight!

If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.

Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything – that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear – in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time – change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry – whatever feels good.

A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.” (Remember – this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)

And FLIRT. You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties.

Get mysterious by really having fun on your own. I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach.

This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman – you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.

In a way – he has to look at you fresh.

How does this look like “giving up?” Because it has nothing to do with HIM. You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself – you’re focused on YOU.

And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel. You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat. If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things – just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.

I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do. We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel. And we can’t. It doesn’t work.

The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him. And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm. It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.

Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel – perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.

No matter what you’re feeling – you WELCOME him INTO your feelings. You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.

That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”

It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”

Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story – and your thoughts – too.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Friday, 19 September 2008 @ 6:11pm

1: Daria says:

Hmm… am working on this right now! I am not calling the men I’m dating and focusing on letting go when thoughts of them come up.

I remember you talking about being curious about the man… would this mean we can ask questions to find out what we’re curious about?

I also remember that things about him are “his business.” So how do these two concepts work?

Saturday, 20 September 2008 @ 11:32am

2: Rori Raye says:

Daria, what a GREAT question.

There’s a lot here, so I put a new post together about this…right here…

Saturday, 20 September 2008 @ 1:29pm

3: Jenny says:

Your advice makes lots of sense to me. You need to move on and live your life and try not to dwell on this as being an inadequacy. I had a similar kind of thing happen only in my case I was the “other woman” Fool that I am I had plenty of reason to believe that this man had every intention of leavig his long term girlfriend. I live in a rural area of area of Az where snowbirds winter over and my love has a biz connected with rvers who travel here. I asked around and found plenty of people who confirmed that he was unhappy with his relationship with his longterm relationship and that everything was just as he’d perported to me. we carivaned back to the PNW together and there were promises or building a life together there and in AZ but that never happened. Maybe she studied up with you Rorie because I was booted and that was that. He didn’t come back last year but he’s ready to come back this year and I don’t think I could bear to see him when he shows up hear in early December with her in tow. He’s been trying to contact me a lot. And he e-mails me and send me cute little jokes and funny little things that are just friendly but personal and sweet. I think I’ll die if I run into him with her. I’m sooooo gone over him still. There’s another guy here that any girl would give her eve’s teeth for and he likes me but I’ve been keeping him at bay because I’m really not over this heart break but I can tell you that I will not take up with the king of heart, nor will I do to someone else what’s been done to me. I’m not a user. What do u suggest.

Sunday, 21 September 2008 @ 12:35pm

4: Rori Raye says:

Jenny, I’m going to flat-out suggest that you totally disappear this man from your mind and heart, second by second, using all my Tools (the whole concept of Bridging in my Commitment Blueprint program will help you tremendously to get the perspective and new attitude you need to get what you want for the long term).

I’m going to suggest that you let this fabulous man that “any girl would give her eye teeth for” a shot at winning your heart.

Your pattern here is to choose an unavailable man, work hard to win him, and then stay bonded to him no matter what – even if it damages you and your life.

Please see that clearly. Dump the guy.

Circular Date, so that you don’t instinctively push the new, local guy who actually WANTS you away with old patterns of working hard to hold onto a man.

Sunday, 21 September 2008 @ 1:13pm

5: Caroline says:

When you’ve been with a guy for a while and you’ve been openly affectionate in public. Then, one day he invites you to his daughter’s soccer game, and everything is going swell. Her team is winning and your engaging with the other parents, grandparents, and siblings. His ex and her fiance are there by the way, their getting married this month. Naturally, there’s a moment when you lean into him and his immediate reflex is to back away from you. What’s up with that? I say, and he says to me, “I don’t do things like that in public. You know. In front of my kids and all.” Nope. That’s NEWS to ME! We’ve been very open. Just what is that?! Later that night, I let him know how that made me feel rejected and like his “commitment” felt like a secret and that if it is a secret, then it is really no commitment at all.

Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 12:11pm

6: Caroline says:

Hey, Rori!

We got married Wednesday night! I am so ecstatically happy! It’s almost hard to believe all that we’ve been through. He popped the question last Thursday, we got the marriage license the very next day! He wanted to get married last Friday but Texas has a 3-day waiting period. He didn’t know that until the clerk told him he couldn’t use it for 72 hours. He said, “What?!” LOL That was so funny, but I was relieved because I just could not get married in pants and my hair was awful, and I wanted my friends to be able to be there. It was a mad dash to the altar but very exciting! Thank you so much! We had a Traditional Irish Wedding, bagpipes and all with help of many great friends!

Friday, 27 February 2009 @ 12:02pm

7: fay says:

Hi everyone, hi Rori !
I am a 45 year old divorcee. In the middle east, it is not easy to meet people and to circular date when you are divorced and have three children. Anyway this is just to tell you my options are very limited ! I dated a high school friend last summer for a month and a half. Things looked promising until he told me accidentally that his ex of 4 yrs that he had broken up with 6 months before was still on his mind . When I asked him why they had broken up, he said because he did not want to remarry. He also said she was the ideal woman and if there was a checklist for choosing a wife , she had it all. I found it very insensitive of him to tell me all that especially that we had slept together a couple of times . So my exact words to him were that I refuse to be in this position, I could not be with a man who had somebody else on his mind!
I expected him to try and reassure me … he just said nothing and I did not hear of him until I called him back .
I initiated dinner and we met but did not bring the subject up. I called him once like every other week,he did the same without trying to make plans. I learned thru friends that his ex remarried shortly after their breakup..
My dad passed a month ago, he was there at the funeral and dropped by the church for condolences for three days, but I haven’t heard from him since then. I called once last week to thank him for standing beside me and he was very sweet on the phone. I am so confused. He did not have to be there every day !
Can you enlighten me ?

Sunday, 12 April 2009 @ 12:39pm

8: Rori Raye says:

Fay, Welcome – and thank you for enlightening us about your situation in a different part of the world.

Here’s my take. You were so right to simply say “goodbye” when he basically told you he was “not into you” – but “into” another woman. (And he didn’t want to marry her, either!)

What I want to “tweak” with you – is, I would have liked to tell you to stay with that and not call him, not for any reason. You are initiating contact. You are chasing. It’s this kind of thing that’s keeping you from meeting men who WILL BE “into” you. You have to say NO to what you don’t want – and stick to it.

Though you may not be able to date every night of the week, you can strengthen your options by not spending any of your precious energy on a man who is merely being nice to you because he likes your company or your friendship. Love, Rori

Sunday, 12 April 2009 @ 5:25pm

9: fay says:

I guess you ‘re right Rori, I will not call any more, but if he does – which I know he probably will out of courtesy, how should I respond ? I am a very considerate,authentic and bubbly person ! I’d hate to go against my nature and not take the call,or answer him dryly . But I ‘ve read your letters so thoroughly and I know these calls he or I make so seldom ,are what you call “intermittent rewards”.
I am I guess still hoping he’ll come around one day. I hate to admit that , but I see how he acts when we happen to be at the same dinner invitation. Everybody sees it Rori ! He practically follows me around ! Should I refuse invitations with common friends ?
love,
Fay

Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 9:50am

10: Robin says:

Hi Rori,

This is great! I feel confused about 1 thing…you mention to feel our feelings of distress or anger, but to not engage in a conversation unless he asks, and that when he DOES come forward it is not the time to show our anger or distress…

However, if we can’t shift our vibe by finding something +, then we would need to go down into the feeling and then speak, so how would these two work simultaneously ?

Im wondering about this witht he guy I work with, he brings his gf, and I feel weird, I’ve spoken my feelings twice, and wondering about it, ie whether I speak “I feel uncomfortable”, or just feel my feelings, but hold my tongue…

What do you think? How do you reconcile these two concepts so they work together?

Thursday, 14 May 2009 @ 1:41pm

11: Elena says:

Dear Rory,

My name is Elena, I’m Greek and I live in Athens. English is not my native language so please excuse my errors.
I recently found out about your fabulous work (I have your e-book and some of your programs, Toxic Men is the latest), and want to thank you so much for your help.
My story is a very long one but I’ll try to cut it short even thought it’s hard to fit 13 years into one page. I’m so sorry for the long post.
I’m in a “relationship” for 13 years with a divorced guy 17 years older than me. He had filed for divorce before meeting me. Until the divorce papers, we were only seeing each other on Saturdays or Friday nights. After the divorce we were more like a couple (spending more time together, sleeping over each others places, weekends, holidays, summer vacations). I met his son and we became close friends. We were not living together, but we were staying together occasionally and we never had an argument, mostly because I hate arguments. My man used to be kind and gentle and generous and affectionate and caring and thoughtful and supportive and loving… that’s why I’ve spend so many years of my life with him. I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t worth it? Right?
Anyway, in 2006 he started withdrawing, spending most of his free time with relatives out of town, most of his weekends were booked, summer holidays too, and this is were I started feeling 2nd class, angry and suspicious. And then I found out that he was having an affair with a married woman, mother of 2 boys and 10 years older than me, who was supposed to be my “friend”. I was shocked. I felt devastated, angry, disgusted, terrified… I confronted him letting him know how disappointed I felt. “He didn’t have time” to come over or pick up the phone and explain. We were communicating via SMS for 4 days until I said “Find time now. I want o get on with my life”. There was a huge fight over the phone, with accusations that I was trying to change him, and that I too had affairs (which is not true), and that the word “I’m sorry” does not exist in his vocabulary and crap like that. It was so humiliating. I was so numb I couldn’t even speak. That wasn’t my man.
It felt like a small death but I stepped back even thought I was so painful. I actually felt like throwing most of my adult life into the toilette. If only I knew about your programs back then….
The summer was over and he started texting me again. And he had become the good guy I once new and loved.
But it looked like he was waiting for me to make a move and reconnect. When we finally met 6 months after our brake up, I saw regret, so I gave him another chance to prove he deserves my love and my time, but I didn’t let him into my bed for another 3 months. He still is kind and gentle and caring and loving and somehow “open”, which he never was, and he is saying things like “I don’t know what you’re doing to me and I can’t exist without you” or “With you I’ve done things that I haven’t done with anybody else in my life”, and this feels unusual but good in a way. He knows that I won’t tolerate lies, violence or infidelity again.
Things are going great except that she is bugging us again. I made a move to contact her via Facebook and see what her intentions are. Of course my invitation was rejected.
I didn’t mention that to my man. It was a “shock” he mentioned that “you have a lot of friends on facebook, you don’t need more, and if you want to know something then ask me…. I am who I am and I’m not going to change. And we’re fine together you and me and we’re having a good time”. Obviously she had called him asking for help.
Of course I’m still suspicious and I can’t trust him anymore.
I’ve started practicing your tools and going step by step. I know that this is an “imaginary relationship” and my guy is “Difficult”.
I still feel very scared after the way he talked to me on the phone during our one and only fight. I feel shut down and terrified of the possibility to be open again and talk to him about how I feel about this situation. I have the feeling that when he’s saying “I am who I am and I’m not going to change”, he means that “I could cheat on you again if I want to, so you have to live with that”.
All I ever wanted was companionship and love and respect.
During these years I made ALL the mistakes I could possibly do.
And right now I feel stuck, I don’t know where to start from and Oh! I still feel very very angry.
I feel that at this point, any kind of advice or help would be much appreciated.
Thank you so much for your time and patience.

All my Love
Elena

Thursday, 4 June 2009 @ 9:31am

12: Rori Raye says:

Elena, Welcome, thank you for your beautifully put letter, and I’m so sorry you’ve been enduring this pain. What I want to do for you is simply to support you. I believe you KNOW what’s going on here, and you WANT to honor yourself and start attracting and being attracted to men who are straightforward and devoted to you. This takes practice. I’m so glad you have my programs – and now it’s time to take the Tools you have and Circular Date. Get the help you need here and with my Targeting Mr. Right program…it will walk you through step-by-step how to do this in a way that will work quickly for you. You know that this is about your self-esteem and your fear, and I want to help you use everything you have and everything you are to pull yourself up another level so you can get what you want. Love, Rori

Friday, 5 June 2009 @ 4:32pm

13: Karen says:

I know that it takes two to make a relationship work,I believe that when we love and take care of ourselves men notice and if a man really loves you he won’t let you go because when he has found what makes him happy, then if he lets us go, Oh Well his loss. NEXT!

Tuesday, 9 June 2009 @ 12:52pm

14: Rori Raye says:

Welcome Karen – and you are so right! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 9 June 2009 @ 8:31pm

15: Elena says:

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.
I’ve started using the Heart Connection Toolkit and I’m amazed.
The guided meditation is brilliant.
I’m determined to work on myself and get what I want in my life.
I deserve to have what I want, I’m a good person (and just between us, I’m a very beautiful woman, inside and outside).
Of course I love my man, but for the first time in years I feel the need to Love Myself.

Thursday, 11 June 2009 @ 6:31am

16: Teri says:

Dear Rori,
I have a situation in my life, that I’m not sure whether to completely leave and never talk or email (thats our main way of communicating) again. Or fight for this relationship by leaning back and becoming soft on the inside and the outside. I should note that I have never been a “cactus” in this relationship. But I have given advice, asked for what I want without “feeling messages”, so in some respects I have actually pushed him away from the commitment level I want. We started “dating” about 2 years ago, and I put dating in quotation marks because, we went out to dinner one night and the rest of the times we have seen each other have been for sexual encounters, until recently. About 4 months ago, we started going out to dinner and actually having “dates”. Just recently we went to a play and a concert all in one week. This was a huge difference on his part. The dates started after I told him that since he didn’t want to give me a commitment then I wasn’t going to be exclusive with him anymore.
In two years, I have never met his children nor his mother. I feel he wants me “in the closet” so to speak for a reason.—-He still doubts that his divorce was the right thing to do. It’s been 4 years, and we have been together, rather I have been his sexual plaything, for 2 of them. His ex-wife, he said, was little or non-responsive in the bedroom. He has said to me that “you’re the most sexually compatible person with me that I’ve ever been with.” I KNOW that that means little or nothing in the eventuality of our relationship. I know he has to emotionally reach out for me. He just told me last Friday, today is Monday, that he needs a “break from our dating, hope you understand. Not sure that I do.” WHAT do I do with this guy. All my other relationships (3 marriages) have been with addicts or alcoholics. He is niether. He’s just a nice, successful guy who is hung-up on ex-wife. He says, “I guess I just can’t let go of a 30 year marriage that easily.” His wife is still available as far as I know and I know they talk,”now and then” on the phone. If he were serious about getting back together with her, wouldn’t he be calling her more, making more of an effort to see her (she lives 600 miles away in another state)? What should I do about this? Should I bow out completely, and let the two of them work this out? Or should I try to attract him using your tools? Is this an ethical dilemma?
He is divorced. He is single. And I love him. He doesn’t say that to me, because “I use the L-word very carefully–I have to be 100% sure or at least 90% sure.”
Help. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel my head aching.
I feel used (although I participated 100%). I feel like i want to email him, but know I should lean way back on this. I know the next time I hear from him, it will be because he’s horny and I’m comfortable (in fact more than comfortable–I’m fantastic in bed with him.) I told him, “I feel counseling in this matter might be helpful to you.” He agrees, but hasn’t gotten any. Sorry this letter is so long, but there were a lot of mitigating circumstances. Oh, and by the way, I have your Commitment Blueprint CD’s. Thanks in advance for any additional help you can give me.
Teri

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 10:37am

17: Rori Raye says:

Teri Welcome, and I’m sorry for your pain. Here’s the thing: in order to BE in a relationship with an addict – YOU have to be an addict, too. And what you’re doing here with this man is addictive behavior. That’s why you feel so bad. Withdrawal from the drug of him. Please follow through on the brilliant thing you said – and Circular Date. Get out there, forget about him, and see what he does. If you believe he’s hung up on another woman, and want him anyway…this is where your work is. Love, Rori

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 3:54pm

18: T.R. says:

Rori,

Can you clarify what you mean by “this is where your work is”? Is Circular Dating where our work is when the man we are with is emotionally unavailable? The man I have been dating is so caught up in his on emotional things that he has begun to talk to me as if I am his counselor. He then became angry and told me that I can not handle an emotional guy. I clarified by stating that I am fine with him talking to me, however, I can not be the person he relies on talking to when it is about his ex-girlfriend. I feel confused and hurt. When I lean back he calls, comes by, etc. But, I feel like I deserve to be fully loved and fully devoted to. Emotionally unavailabe also equals not being available to love another fully. I am not feeling good about where he is at with me, and am considering Circular Dating (I have been dating myself, I am now considering accepting dates from other men). I don’t want to do this to “make him angry or jealous”. I want to do what feels good to me for me. Is this where our work is with emotionally unavailable men?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 11:20pm

19: Rori Raye says:

T.R. Yes. Your work is in slowly understanding what you’re doing for even 5 minutes with a man who is not meeting your needs and wants to lean on you emotionally. And to transform that. Love, Rori

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:39am

20: T.R. says:

I am working at trying to tranform this current situation, but continue to get hit with walls of confustion. I have set a boundary of him no longer talking to me about his ex. However, he continues to talk to me about his healing process. He tells me that this is bringing us closer. I feel like it is pushing us further apart. I don’t want to be a counselor for my man. I do want to be an open ear, but that is difficult when my needs are not being met. He told me this morning that when he talks to me I don’t listen and this is making it difficult for him to trust me. However, is it really my place as his current girlfriend to listen to him about his healing process of losing his family with his previous girlfriend? I do love him and when we discuss this, he sais that him healing from his loss is bringing us closer. I don’t know if this is true, or if it is me getting caught up in his emotional trap…

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:31pm

21: Rori Raye says:

T.R. Listening isn’t the same as participating in a discussion. Nodding your head is good enough. And if it doesn’t feel good even to do that, you must say, this doesn’t feel good to me…and perhaps that will either transform the relationship, or end it. If you don’t want to listen to your man talk about what he wants to talk about …and it seems that all he wants to talk about is what you don’t want to listen to…why would you want to be with him? Love, Rori

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:39pm

22: T.R. says:

Thank you Rori. You have been very helpful. I have been listening to the Modern Siren and Reconnect Your Relationship and reading your book. You are a great inspiration and I look forward to continuing to blog on your sites!

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 2:16pm

23: Jabeen says:

Gosh Rori just reading your newsletters help me turn my head around but I so wished I could get your programs, especially modern siren. Unfortunately I just don’t have the money especially now after being laid off from work.
I’ll just modify your tools a bit and keep my focus on getting the programs and believe that an avenue will open up when the time is right.

Friday, 30 October 2009 @ 2:19pm

24: Rori Raye says:

Jabeen, Welcome, and I know you’ll get lots of help here. Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:23pm

25: Katie says:

Hello everyone

I wanted to share something and see if I could get a little advice. Sorry if this is super long but here goes .

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 months. Everything has been just wonderful. He is a complete gentleman and I felt wonderful being with him all of the time. Until I started noticing that I was overfunctioning. I gave that little extra to ensure we would spend time together. I was giving so much affection…it was returned, but I started to resent myself for everything I was doing. Then a few events happened last week. It started with him telling me that he wouldn’t be able to make our traditional Sunday date night because he needed to go to a work party. I asked if I was supposed to go and he said no because he was only allowed to bring one person – and he was bringing his roommate (male) because they were showing the independent film they made together to the coworkers. I was upset because it felt like he was hiding me (with all the other gut emotions I was feeling about him pulling away), and so Friday I called him to talk to him about it…which turned it to me complaining about how I wish he initiated more and wondering why he didn’t want to be with me as much as I did with him. Yes, I was complaining about the overfunctioning I was doing and blaming him – very embarrassing and looking disgustingly needy and desperate…but I couldn’t help it at that point. He was a little speechless but couldn’t understand why I was so upset (which I wasn’t making it easy for him to do, either).

I talked to him again the next day. I ended up crying again. But we some how got through it. He said he understands how I feel and that I feel like I am doing most of the work. I told him I want a boyfriend who I can spend almost every night with (if possible) and I asked if he could do that and he agreed. We also promised to still hold our “Sunday date’ after his work party the next day, but it probably wouldn’t be until 9 pm. (There was going to be an open bar, but it was supposed to end early). I was totally ok with this and realized I was being so stupid. But I really wanted to see him so I could fix this behavior of mine ASAP.

Anyways…I didn’t hear from him until 1:30 in the morning. I was in bed for the last 4 hours but unable to sleep because I was so anxious that I caused irreperable damage and now he was ignoring me (I didn’t contact him).

The contact at 1:30 am was a text message asking me to come over in what looked like an inebriated person could barely type into the phone. I ignored the text because I didn’t know how to proceed? Do I agree to come over after he blew me off? He decides to call me and I pick up and he begs for forgiveness and begs for me to come over. I caved and went over. Again, I guess I was just so insecure about my actions the previous days that I wanted to see if I could fix this.

When I first got to his room, his phone was being sent what looked like a million text messages. I handed it to him and he turned it off. He was drunk and said that he left his cell phone at home on accident. I didn’t believe him but I wanted to smooth things over after my crazy behavior over the past few days so I let it slide. We were intimate, and then he fell asleep. I, on the other hand didn’t sleep a wink. I then did something that was an invasion of my boyfriend’s privacy: I looked through his cell phone. I wanted to see if he really didn’t have his phone during that time or if he was lying. There were no calls/texts sent by his phone during the party, but I found something that made me want to vomit: I found something he sent to a female coworker that said (right after he texted me when he got home) “I’m at work now. I’ll be dreaming of you.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I did either. Now, he was drunk, and maybe “he meant to send it to me,” but then he also proceeded to call this woman. And it was right after he talked to me (our names are not similar…my name starts with a “K” and her with an “A”). And I have a hard time considering that this was an inside joke considering that he didn’t and/or wouldn’t take me to the work party, he ditched me, turned off his phone as soon as I got there, and called me around a similar time to this person. And exactly what context would those words be used in an inside joke?

And now, I don’t know what to do. I totally invaded his privacy. He has made it absolutely clear how much he hates cheating and has been cheated on, and he still tells me he loves me, is affectionate and intimate with me, etc.

I talked to him the next day. I told him how I knew I was acting out of line this weekend and that I was embarrassed and sorry. I asked if there was any reason he didn’t want me to go to the party and he said no, but he agreed that I could feel that way. And then, I gave him an out: I said that all of these behaviors he has been displaying sort of look like that of someone who isn’t feeling a relationship anymore. I said he could walk away now, because I have too much respect for myself to be with someone who wasn’t into me. He said “are you crazy? of course I want to be with you!” and also added “do you really think i would be that much of a coward to stay in a relationship I didn’t want to be in?” I said ok, but it would mean a lot to me if he could take me into his work sometime and introduce me as his girlfriend. He was uneasy because he said a) he’s not really friends with whom he works with b) all the girls are catty c) they all know my sister and don’t like her (which wouldn’t give me brownie points) and d) he didn’t want to go to a date to the bar/restaurant he works at because…it’s not a great place to go.

I didn’t bring up the text message he sent. I have been toying with it for days because I found it out dishonestly…Since then though, I haven’t been leaning forward and he has been coming to me wonderfully that is filled with warmth and love. I feel at ease. I wouldn’t even give a second thought if he was being dishonest.

So my question (finally) is: do I confront him about this text message I found? Do I just focus on me being a total rockstar for my sanity? Do I do both?

Any help will be appreciated. And if you do take the time to read this, thank you.

Katie

Thursday, 14 January 2010 @ 1:09pm

26: Rori Raye says:

Katie – This is huge, for me, because I’m not sure how to answer for you. For me, it’s not his text that’s the issue. If you are not married to him, or engaged, it’s only been 2 months, you should be Circular Dating and unconcerned about whatever else he does…up to a point. My concern is your living with your secret of having looked in his phone. Holding onto that secret will make you feel distant from him, and yet, telling the truth is a huge gamble, I know. For me, a relationship without “Radical Honesty” is useless. Telling the truth, all the time, is the only way to stay sane. Owning up to everything, for me, would be the only worthwhile way to go – the only chance for getting truly emotionally intimate. Your “crazy acting” is forcing you to hold yourself back the rest of the time…so – first things first…work on the crazy stuff. Work on the complaining. The solution is Circular Dating and staying cool. I don’t believe in the boyfriend thing. Certainly not at 2 months. Think about it, and let us know. Love, Rori

Thursday, 14 January 2010 @ 8:27pm

27: Katie says:

Thanks, Rori. I’ve been doing some circular dating on myself with some flirting, which makes me feel good. Which is probably what makes me look so fresh and warm to him now. I know the boyfriend thing sounds silly at 2 months but we have decided to be exclusive…and I don’t know if it makes a difference if we’re college-aged but I am not sure how to fit complete circular dating when we’re both in our early 20s…so I guess the boyfriend option just seemed like what was the next step when we realized we loved each other. But you’re right…I can feel this distance from the secret with our emotional intimacy. I don’t even know if he can sense it, but I can. I think the honest route is the way I have to go, because I love him. I’m glad that some time has gone by so I’m not so upset about it. Again thank you!

Friday, 15 January 2010 @ 6:54am

28: Katie says:

Rori – I was also wondering if you had any suggestions of how I might word something like this to him. I did it because I didn’t believe he didn’t have his phone with him, but mainly because I was so insecure that I messed everything up with my previous behavior. NOT an appealing thing. It’s actually disgusting to read what I’m typing. But it’s the truth. And I think I feel so insecure because I feel like I’m having a hard time connecting with him. He’s not super open to talking about deep things, and that might be where our real problem is. It’s like I feel like I’m going to lose him, and I checked up on that, and I found out something I didn’t want to (even if there’s a good explanation for it). Yet we are still very warm and close with each other, laugh all the time, etc. And he is very insistent about wanting to be with me and expressing love for me. Yet I feel a disconnect .

Friday, 15 January 2010 @ 9:22am

29: Katie says:

Just wanted to update if anyone else was reading this. I did tell him. We talked about everything. He was only upset about me looking at his phone for a second; the main thing we talked about was our relationship with the “closed-offness” feeling he gives me and how he said that’s part of his personality. I feel better now that I told him because it’s like a clean slate. I do believe him (dear god the man had tears welling up in the corners of his eyes that he was trying to hold back) and I do trust him. This openness/connection thing is something I hope we can work on (I did buy the Modern Siren program; Rori talks about us women opening up first by grounding ourselves with the “Rock” tool and then “unzippering our hearts” to get him to open up. I found this extremely profound; I want to practice it already!) I do need to keep circular dating (myself and in the flirting sense) and leaning back. I will work on that. I’m going to try harder to be a Modern Siren basically .

I also want to make a quick comment: I did start a new medication right before I started having all these anxious/paranoid feelings and thoughts about my boyfriend. I looked up the side effects and they read (for a few people who take it): anxiety, paranoia, agitation, restlessness, insomnia, loss of appetite…basically made me sound and act like a crazy person. Getting off of them NOW…and makes me realize that I couldn’t completely trust my feelings/thoughts that I’ve had about him over the past weeks because they’ve not been fully mine…

Anyways…Thank you Rori for all that you do! Your advice is continually awe-inspiring for me!

Love,
Katie

Wednesday, 20 January 2010 @ 12:39pm

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