He can betray us sexually. He can simply lie to us about how he feels. He can have an emotional connection with another woman that takes him away from us. He can have a fantasy life that keeps him from committing fully to a deep relationship with us.
Mimi wrote a comment to my post on what to do if your man betrays you, and I wanted to use it to jump off of here…
Mimi’s husband fell “in love” with a woman at work 17 years into their 19 year marriage, and he still seems to be “mooning” over her.
Mimi is caught between wanting to save her marriage and just give up and start fresh… She said:
“I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me…How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away? Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits? I love him but I don’t want to share his love.”
Here’s my answer: Mimi, ask yourself if you want to fight this and keep your marriage together, or do you want to give up?
And the weird thing – giving up is the best way to fight!
If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.
Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything – that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear – in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time – change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry – whatever feels good.
A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.” (Remember – this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)
And FLIRT. You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties.
Get mysterious by really having fun on your own. I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach.
This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman – you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.
In a way – he has to look at you fresh.
How does this look like “giving up?” Because it has nothing to do with HIM. You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself – you’re focused on YOU.
And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel. You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat. If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things – just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.
I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do. We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel. And we can’t. It doesn’t work.
The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him. And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm. It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.
Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel – perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.
No matter what you’re feeling – you WELCOME him INTO your feelings. You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.
That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”
It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”
Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story – and your thoughts – too.