I also want to make a quick comment: I did start a new medication right before I started having all these anxious/paranoid feelings and thoughts about my boyfriend. I looked up the side effects and they read (for a few people who take it): anxiety, paranoia, agitation, restlessness, insomnia, loss of appetite…basically made me sound and act like a crazy person. Getting off of them NOW…and makes me realize that I couldn’t completely trust my feelings/thoughts that I’ve had about him over the past weeks because they’ve not been fully mine…

Anyways…Thank you Rori for all that you do! Your advice is continually awe-inspiring for me!

Love,
Katie

I wanted to share something and see if I could get a little advice. Sorry if this is super long but here goes .

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 months. Everything has been just wonderful. He is a complete gentleman and I felt wonderful being with him all of the time. Until I started noticing that I was overfunctioning. I gave that little extra to ensure we would spend time together. I was giving so much affection…it was returned, but I started to resent myself for everything I was doing. Then a few events happened last week. It started with him telling me that he wouldn’t be able to make our traditional Sunday date night because he needed to go to a work party. I asked if I was supposed to go and he said no because he was only allowed to bring one person – and he was bringing his roommate (male) because they were showing the independent film they made together to the coworkers. I was upset because it felt like he was hiding me (with all the other gut emotions I was feeling about him pulling away), and so Friday I called him to talk to him about it…which turned it to me complaining about how I wish he initiated more and wondering why he didn’t want to be with me as much as I did with him. Yes, I was complaining about the overfunctioning I was doing and blaming him – very embarrassing and looking disgustingly needy and desperate…but I couldn’t help it at that point. He was a little speechless but couldn’t understand why I was so upset (which I wasn’t making it easy for him to do, either).

I talked to him again the next day. I ended up crying again. But we some how got through it. He said he understands how I feel and that I feel like I am doing most of the work. I told him I want a boyfriend who I can spend almost every night with (if possible) and I asked if he could do that and he agreed. We also promised to still hold our “Sunday date’ after his work party the next day, but it probably wouldn’t be until 9 pm. (There was going to be an open bar, but it was supposed to end early). I was totally ok with this and realized I was being so stupid. But I really wanted to see him so I could fix this behavior of mine ASAP.

Anyways…I didn’t hear from him until 1:30 in the morning. I was in bed for the last 4 hours but unable to sleep because I was so anxious that I caused irreperable damage and now he was ignoring me (I didn’t contact him).

The contact at 1:30 am was a text message asking me to come over in what looked like an inebriated person could barely type into the phone. I ignored the text because I didn’t know how to proceed? Do I agree to come over after he blew me off? He decides to call me and I pick up and he begs for forgiveness and begs for me to come over. I caved and went over. Again, I guess I was just so insecure about my actions the previous days that I wanted to see if I could fix this.

When I first got to his room, his phone was being sent what looked like a million text messages. I handed it to him and he turned it off. He was drunk and said that he left his cell phone at home on accident. I didn’t believe him but I wanted to smooth things over after my crazy behavior over the past few days so I let it slide. We were intimate, and then he fell asleep. I, on the other hand didn’t sleep a wink. I then did something that was an invasion of my boyfriend’s privacy: I looked through his cell phone. I wanted to see if he really didn’t have his phone during that time or if he was lying. There were no calls/texts sent by his phone during the party, but I found something that made me want to vomit: I found something he sent to a female coworker that said (right after he texted me when he got home) “I’m at work now. I’ll be dreaming of you.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I did either. Now, he was drunk, and maybe “he meant to send it to me,” but then he also proceeded to call this woman. And it was right after he talked to me (our names are not similar…my name starts with a “K” and her with an “A”). And I have a hard time considering that this was an inside joke considering that he didn’t and/or wouldn’t take me to the work party, he ditched me, turned off his phone as soon as I got there, and called me around a similar time to this person. And exactly what context would those words be used in an inside joke?

And now, I don’t know what to do. I totally invaded his privacy. He has made it absolutely clear how much he hates cheating and has been cheated on, and he still tells me he loves me, is affectionate and intimate with me, etc.

I talked to him the next day. I told him how I knew I was acting out of line this weekend and that I was embarrassed and sorry. I asked if there was any reason he didn’t want me to go to the party and he said no, but he agreed that I could feel that way. And then, I gave him an out: I said that all of these behaviors he has been displaying sort of look like that of someone who isn’t feeling a relationship anymore. I said he could walk away now, because I have too much respect for myself to be with someone who wasn’t into me. He said “are you crazy? of course I want to be with you!” and also added “do you really think i would be that much of a coward to stay in a relationship I didn’t want to be in?” I said ok, but it would mean a lot to me if he could take me into his work sometime and introduce me as his girlfriend. He was uneasy because he said a) he’s not really friends with whom he works with b) all the girls are catty c) they all know my sister and don’t like her (which wouldn’t give me brownie points) and d) he didn’t want to go to a date to the bar/restaurant he works at because…it’s not a great place to go.

I didn’t bring up the text message he sent. I have been toying with it for days because I found it out dishonestly…Since then though, I haven’t been leaning forward and he has been coming to me wonderfully that is filled with warmth and love. I feel at ease. I wouldn’t even give a second thought if he was being dishonest.

So my question (finally) is: do I confront him about this text message I found? Do I just focus on me being a total rockstar for my sanity? Do I do both?

Any help will be appreciated. And if you do take the time to read this, thank you.

Katie

I am working at trying to tranform this current situation, but continue to get hit with walls of confustion. I have set a boundary of him no longer talking to me about his ex. However, he continues to talk to me about his healing process. He tells me that this is bringing us closer. I feel like it is pushing us further apart. I don’t want to be a counselor for my man. I do want to be an open ear, but that is difficult when my needs are not being met. He told me this morning that when he talks to me I don’t listen and this is making it difficult for him to trust me. However, is it really my place as his current girlfriend to listen to him about his healing process of losing his family with his previous girlfriend? I do love him and when we discuss this, he sais that him healing from his loss is bringing us closer. I don’t know if this is true, or if it is me getting caught up in his emotional trap…