How To Say What You Feel & Stop The “Intensity” That Pushes Men Away
I know the whole idea of “saying what you feel” sounds wrong.
Men are supposed to HATE feelings, aren’t they?
A man gets really uncomfortable around “drama” and the kind of emotional intensity we’ve been talking about in this series of posts – where your energy is all bound up in a kind of “push-pull” tension inside you – but he LOVES “feelings.”
He loves to see you “uncovered.” As though you’re a transparent woman and he can see everything that’s going on inside you. Yes, even the “yucky” stuff.
What we’re talking about here is vulnerability, and vulnerability is a RARE thing.
“Fragility” is common, where a man feels you could easily break apart or fly into a rage or into tears at the drop of a hat. And he’s always on the lookout for that. But vulnerability requires inner strength, bravery, and a belief in yourself. In order to let someone see who you are inside – especially a man you love – you have to be “okay” with yourself. Liking yourself is even better. And loving yourself gets you the prize!
Because if what a man sees when he looks at you is that you love yourself – then he feels compelled to love you, too. He can’t help it.
So saying what you feel is a necessary part of being vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you have to say everything you feel ALL the time. (And most of the time we’re actually speaking about what we THINK, and what we think doesn’t count at all for vulnerability – we’ll talk more about that in future posts.) And it doesn’t mean you spew your feelings out in just any old way.
What being vulnerable and saying what you feel means - is that there’s a way to talk about what you feel that works, that’s soft and vulnerable, and there’s a way to talk about what you feel that’s dramatic, “intense” and makes him think you’re fragile and difficult.
In the next posts we’ll get to the exact ways to do it. If you’d like to quickly get my “Basics,” like Feeling Messages, down – try out my ebook, Have The Relationship You Want
written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »
Jacqueline says:
The article above speaks about how men describe “fragile” and “intense” in a woman. I have been described this way by some men. I have asked them to explain it to me - so that I could understand it. They have not been able to tell me what they mean - apparently, these descriptors are more about how they feel when describing me. I have picked up from them that these are not complimentary terms. Is being vulnerable a decision, a skill, does it take practice? Is it about feeling safe with a particular person to become vulnerable? Is it about letting go or opening up? How do I let go of the old repetitive actions and reactions to open up to make way for the new way I want to experience things?
Sunday, 23 November 2008 @ 10:56am
iAMrj * richard jones says:
> “Fragility” is common, where a man feels you could
> easily break apart or fly into a rage or into tears at the
> drop of a hat. And he’s always on the lookout for that.
> But vulnerability requires inner strength, bravery, and a
> belief in yourself.
Good point! But men have a problem with “fragility,” too.
Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 11:28pm
Rori Raye says:
Hi, Welcome Richard - so glad to have a man’s opinion here - would you be willing to tell us more - how “fragility” works in you as a man, and how you see relationships? Thanks, Rori
Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 12:28pm
iAMrj * richard jones says:
Rori Raye, thanks for the welcome and follow-up.
Men are notorious for breaking apart and especially flying into a rage at the drop of a hat. As I disclose on iAMrj.com, I had serious problem with that kind of “fragility” for years and still struggle with being vulnerable in the manner you described.
I also work with a group of males from ages 14 to 65 whose emotional pendulum swings from “calm before the storm” to psychological tsunami. Indeed, most men are beset by such “fragility” despite the veneers of emotional stability created by the strong-silent-type act.
How do I see relationships? Of course, this is quite a general question and one which I answer all the time on iAMrj.com. However, I’d like to note here that I see most partners in relationships resorting to distasteful and counter-productive manipulation tactics as opposed to honest communication and genuine responsiveness to their partner’s needs and desires. The sooner partners begin pleasing rather than merely appeasing each other, the better.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 9:24am
Tara says:
Hello- I still have very strong feelings for my ex. He says that if we are friends first that we can “build something stronger”. He also says that we should “be friends…and see what happens..let life happen how it happens, and stop forcing things to happen…”
It bothers me that he then told me about some sexual mishap that he had recently with some random girl…
Yuck!
Plus, there is no physical touching, no hugs or kissing, etc. No “it’s nice to see you”-nothing. I feel like he’s keeping me on the “backburner” or “just in case” something or someone else doesn’t work out.
I know i deserve better, and why do I want HIM?
My friends tell me I should move on, but I still love him.
Help!!!
Can I really be friends???
And really, I am the one who calls him and asks HIM to hang out ! If not for me, we’d NEVER hang out! It hurts because he tells me “gimme a chance to call and I will..” but it’s been almost 2 weeks and he hasn’t called at all!
How do I stop doing all the work? and to figure out that I need to stop settling??
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:09am
Robin Clemens says:
Hi Rori,
When it comes to relationships I am my own worst enemy.
I’ve been sexually involved with a much younger man for 3 years now. He’s 24, I’m 43. And basically he’s an immature jerk. The only reason we are together is for sex. He calls me his “friend”, even though we’ve been involved with each other for 3 years.
Intellectually I know I need to end this relationship and completely stop seeing him. Emotionally it’s much, much harder.
The problem is when I’ve done this in the past, cut off all contact with him, then he starts contacting me!
It’s a vicious circle.
How can I make a clean break?? How can I develop the inner strength to finally get rid of him and move on???
I’m not in with love him but I do care deeply about him.
I’ve never met his family but I feel like I know them. His mom has cancer and his sister just had her first baby. I’m a very spiritual person and have even prayed for his mom when I go to church.
He is young and immature but not an inherently bad person.
Other more age appropriate guys have shown interest in me but I can’t seem to get over this younger guy.
How long should I wait until I seriously date other guys?? 3 months?? 6 months??
What’s the best way to work on MY SELF ESTEEM so I don’t keep wasting my time on emotionally unavailable jerks??
I think I pick and prefer emotionally unavailable men because that’s how all the men in my family were, so it feels familiar and comfortable.
G-d knows I need a lot of help when it comes to men and relationships!!
Thanks for listening. I love your website.
Best, Robin C
Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:45am
Rori Raye says:
Robin, Welcome, and PLEASE - read more on this site. You would be fine if you WEREN’T exclusive with him. You can date him for fun and date other men for a potential future - at the SAME TIME! Circular Dating is your ticket - learn about it here and in my Targeting Mr. Right program. Love, Rori
Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:16pm