Sometimes, when I look back, I’m just amazed at how naive and “stupid” I was about men. How I humiliated myself, chased after them, pined after them, and thought that was the way relationships went.
And so when I get a letter that makes my face red, and makes me want to stomp around, I know it’s touched me personally - perhaps Diana’s letter will touch you, also , and we can really work with it:
“Dear Rori, So, I Just slept with a guy and now he is distant. Ok, yes I know the drill, but I need more advice. Ok here’s the story.
I went to a holiday party for some friends and I was the bartender. I have been out of the dating scene awhile and have been lonely for a year now. I was in a very bad relationship a couple years before. Well when I arrived at the party, a close friend to my friend asked about me and asked her to casually introduce me to him.
Now keep in mind, since I was the bartender no one started drinking until after I got there. So he kept coming to the bar and asking for a drink. My friend later told me that he was doing this as an excuse to talk to me. So I took a break from bar tending and my friend finally formally introduced him to me.
We started talking and of course as the night progressed he got more intoxicated and of course let feelings loose. He would talk about his family and things he did with every now and then telling me how beautiful I am (I am aware that a lot of guys use this to get into a girl’s pants) but he seemed very genuine plus he was interested in me before he started to drink.
Then as the night went on we started getting really into each other and began to kiss. We continued to talk and it got a little more intimate. I Stopped and said I really want this but I know you are drunk and I don’t want this to affect how you feel about me or judge my character based on if I go home with you tonight, but I explained my situation to him. He said that he knows he is buzzed but he knows exactly what he is doing and what he wants…he even said he was sober when I walked in the door and he thought to himself ” Oh My, this woman is gorgeous I want to know her more” and that’s when he ran to my friend.
So yes I made the mistake of sleeping with him, although I do not feel regret or sorry that I did because it felt good, but I am just disappointed that the next day he did that cliche thing a lot of men do and didn’t call even though he gave me his number and took mine. I texted him to see how he was feeling and I noticed his texts were very short and cold. I had a feeling what this meant so I told him that I didn’t act myself that night and I didn’t want him to think I was like that (I stated that at the party as well) he responded by saying “don’t worry about it, I was not exactly controlling myself either.”
So I said ok well I was just trying to make that clear as well as ask if you wanted to hang out next weekend. He asked the date and I told him and he said he had something to do ( I intercepted this as bull?) so I said oh ok I understand, all I wanted was to see if you wanted to get to know each other better since he was so intoxicated that night and I’m not sure what he is looking for if it was a night of fun or what. He said sure maybe after the holidays and he said that he didn’t know what he was looking for but ” we can figure that out later.”
Now I’m stuck with these feelings I don’t want. He doesn’t text or call or nothing but he accepted my friendship on a social network. H also does respond to my texts when I text him. I stopped texting him a couple days ago. I have not sent much texts just the ones I have mentioned. I just don’t know what he is thinking or what I should do, he really seemed like a nice person.
Oh and another thing, mutual friends have told me he is pretty shy around people he doesn’t know well. He also told me that he is insecure around very good looking women (when he was talking about relationships when he was drunk at the party). Please help me, I’ve had enough pain in my life and loneliness, I really like him. Thanks, Diana”
Here’s my answer:
At first, my reaction was “This is a joke letter.” I simply didn’t want to believe that any of us women could have this all so wrong - and then I realized that we ALL have this so wrong! Yes, we do!
At the bottom of Diana’s question is this - her belief that the entire problem here is that by sleeping with this man right off, she made him think she was “easy.” And so everything she’s thought, said or done is about correcting this impression of her she thinks he got, and someone convincing him that she’s “not like that at all.”
I seems obvious (but it’s not, really, not when you’re in the middle of it) - we cannot convince any man of anything simply by telling him his first impression is not so. Diana could show him her whole family album and tell him about every date she’s ever had and every time she’s ever slept with a man, and it wouldn’t change anything he FEELS about her - it would just - and here’s EXACTLY what’s happening -
-it would just make him think she’s a pitiful, needy, weak, nearly crazy woman with low-self esteem, no confidence, and a lack of any kind of understanding of men and sex or anything - who’s CHASING him - and in Diana’s case - almost to the point of stalking him.
Of COURSE he’s answering her texts - she’s intimidating him. She’s frightening him, and making him feel unsafe. He may be AFRAID that she’s crazy.
Now, you say - how can this be? Diana is a nice woman who had SEX with him, for goodness sakes - he owes her at least some conversation…surely he KNOWS if he sleeps with a woman he owes her something…
And that is completely untrue (at least in our American and European cultures - if your culture is different, please let me know). When we have sex with a man, we are doing it out of our own free will, and for our own reasons. And if our reasons are NOT GOOD FOR US - that’s still OUR responsibility.
On top of which, this man was drunk, and so Diana was not even having sex with a fully conscious, alive person.
Diana - this is not about a “drill.” This is not about some “rules.” This is about simple, basic common sense, and building your self-esteem so that you never, ever again go anywhere or do anything with a man unless you’re absolutely sure you’re absolutely OKAY even if he NEVER calls again.
Even though I’m being tough on you here, my heart goes out to you - because it is SO painful to hear about you treating yourself so badly. Sleeping with him was not the problem. It’s totally okay for you to have sex with a man if you feel like it. Even a drunk one. But that makes him a “boy toy” for the night - not someone you follow up with, call, and try to turn into something more.
What happens after sex is STILL all up to HIM. Otherwise, the very first rule of all my work is not happening - and that is that ANY man you spend ANY time with HAS to be sending his energy to YOU, and not sucking YOURS up.
If he’s not calling - then he’s not worth your call. Period. Certainly not a call in which you ask him “how he is.”
I hope you’ll find this post, make some comments and let the wonderful women on this blog help you…I also recommend my “Reconnect Your Relationship” and “Toxic Men” programs for you (after the ebook) so you can begin to understand how all this is playing out in your life, and how you can turn it around, quickly, by using and practicing my Tools in the action of “Circular Dating” and get the kind of relationship with the kind of man you truly want.
Love, Rori
If you’ve ever felt “hung up” on any and every man you slept with - even though you KNEW he was a lost cause, even though you KNEW he wouldn’t call again, that he wasn’t marriage material, and that your heart would hurt very quickly - here’s some thoughts, jumped off of a comment by Tallulah - Here’s a line from it:
