Have The Relationship You Want

16 Comments to “Support For You If You Have Health Issues”

1. 1: Cassandra says:

   Hi Rori….
   I hope that this is ok for me to post but I thought that it perhaps may be of some help to someone on the blog. I too used to deal with some pretty serious health issues of my own and I found tremendous relief and help using holistic physicians and NATURAL supplements. Rather than jumping to put you on just another drug they tend to find out what the issue is rather than simply treat a symptom. I was able to get off of a few medications through my holistic physicians and a process called BRT. While I no longer live in the northern VA area, there is a Dr. there that is quickly becoming known around the globe for his methods and I cannot thank him enough for how he helped me. He quite possibly may have saved my life!

   Good luck to all and Thanks again Rori for all that youa re doing to help all of us.

   Saturday, 25 October 2008 @ 4:13pm

2. 2: Hurting says:

   Thanks Rori for allowing a space for women who have health problems to come together and discuss these issues and how it effects relationships.

   The man I have an online relationship said he was lonely and wanted me to visit him during the holidays and said he couldnt wait to talk about it in our next call. And when he didnt bring it up in our next call I brought it up and he said he was only kidding And then he said that was a stupid thing he just said but it was out of anxiety. He didn’t say anything like that when his ex told him to drive for 2 hours to visit him. He said he didnt want to but couldnt say no to her. But he can say no to me. Because he knows I’m weak and vulnerable and I dont have other men I can date due to my illness. He has taken me for granted. This of course has affected my health and sleep.

   I also have given him reasons by example to disrespect me but its too long to get into. I told him how other people mistreat me like my family and how I have difficulty getting other people to like me because of my social anxiety disorder on top of my illness. He too has social anxiety but comes across always as likeable and popular. I ended up emailing him the following but I’m concerned that since Sat night his ex will call and make plans for him to visit that I will only push him further away from me by this confrontational email but I’m so hurt and fed up of him treating me like gold the first 3 months of our relationship to being used:

   “This is what I mean about sending me mixed signals. You tell me in an email you cant wait to talk about meeting up in Dec and you dont bring it up and when I do you say you are kidding about the trip?. And its just your nervousness you say but I just don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I need to be with someone who knows how to really show their affection. After everything I’ve been through I deserve to be treated with honor and respect!”

   Saturday, 1 November 2008 @ 7:34am

3. 3: Hurting says:

   I just want to add that he responded very negatively to my email. He is now denying that he ever said he was kidding and twisted it around and said he is very hurt and he deserves to be treated with honor and respect and he doesnt feel I’m dong this and he has been by my side through the illness. I guess i handled it oh so wrong. But how am I suppose to take it when he stops showing me affection? He says he is hurt I said this but he treats me like a buddy on the phone for the most part. My question is should I not have sent him the email. Should I not have brought up the trip? Should I not express my hurt feelings? He is angry that I didnt do it over the phone but anytime I do he changes the subject and is vague and I never get anything resolved on the phone. He also says I always jump to conclusions which he has on his dating site in bold capital letters that is his pet peeve (he wrote that ever since he and I have been having problems) but when I ask my other friend about his behavior he agrees with me that this guy is not into me anymore and I feel it too. He denies it and acts like Im wrong and makes me feel guilty. How do I handle a situation like this? Should I just not respond to his email? He hurt me and at the end he makes it about how I hurt him. He seems to forget how he came on to a friend of mine online saying he hasnt met anyone special yet when he told me he wants to build his life around me in the past. I took him back immediately after I wrote him how hurt he was and he begged me to come back. But seein how easy I am and how I keep coming back to him he stopped putting much effort into it. He also seems to not want to see me till Im healthy…..And that to me means he doesnt truely love me

   Saturday, 1 November 2008 @ 12:41pm

4. 4: Rori Raye says:

   Hurting – I know your life has been difficult and very closed in. And so the relationships you’re having online seem like real relationships – but it’s absolutely impossible to know someone without being with them in real space. There are many great stories about long correspondences, back in the days when letters were the way you talked over distances – but until a man sees you in person, and there’s some kind of chemistry there for him – it’s just not real to him. It’s a fantasy. And every time you do or say something that shifts his view of his perfect fantasy – he’s going to get upset and back off. Hurting, it just won’t work this way for you.

   My total advice is for you to use ALL your energy to research and END this illness enough that you can get out of the house – join some support groups or meetings where you can do art, or dancing, or things you’re truly interested in, where you can learn to be around people. Ignore the people who are uncomfortable around you – and just find the people who ARE comfortable around you.

   See what you can do in person – by walking even a bit, or taking a bus…see what you can do for yourself to get into the real world.

   If you want to read an amazing true story, my friend Moira recovered and came back into life after 7 years flat on her back in bed at home with a back injury. She’s at http://www.MiraclesWithMoira.com. You’ll be inspired. Her newsletter is short and helpful.
   Love, Rori

   Saturday, 1 November 2008 @ 4:11pm

5. 5: Kristina-Liban says:

   Hi Rori.. I can’t Tell You How Sensitive & Touched i was when read this Email.. I Truly Thank God You Esixt !..
   I Do HAve Chronic Hear Disease & + Do Suffer From Lower BAck PAin ( to which i got a 9hrs Operation 5 years ago !) & Still Suffering Like Crazy Because of it !.. I Wear up MAterials ( had a Laminectomy Any Med. Doctor could explain you the type of material i have ) & still Live with !…

   Being in Such “Chronic” However “Dealing Myself ” with issues such as Child Abuse ( iwas 8 yrs old) & No Psychic Nor PSychotherapist Or Neurosurgeon COuls ever figure out the Problem I had .. They ‘ve put me on Anti-Depressants All my Life.. i sincrely forgot how “PAinful” it was for just Being ME>> !But now, its all coming back : 18 The Cold Wether (makes me Ache Like Hell) & Havinbg Stopped all Anti Dep. Bull(sorry for the word ) They tended to make me Feel :”"NUMB” all the Time &+ SUICIDAL !.. So i Stopped them, got into Therapy.. But Rori.. Nobody Gets it !.. Nobody “Reaches” even beyond words “Exactly” or EvEN the underlayer of what s inside !

   I Do Need to Solve First : the ABusive Problem.. If you can help by coaching or emailing with someone who could give exact typical Meanings to what iam feeling i would be more than delighted..
   Thanking you Never Enough.
   Regards,
   Kristina (Beirut)
   \P.S.: i ‘ve tried several times to get the “Reconnect Program” to no avail too.. Coukd you simpky wire the tools you have Plz..?.. I just rear & Read Again your book However Quite VALUABLE.. These News Letters “Tease” me a Load.. bcoz. i cant seem to get in touch with you on a pretty Deeper Level that i would like to reach ..
   Thanks. Love. K./

   Friday, 5 December 2008 @ 12:31pm

6. 6: Rori Raye says:

   Kristina-Liban, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you are in such distress, and yet I hear such strength in your words, and your desire to try new things to take care of yourself. I don’t know why you’ve had difficulty with the program, especially since you were able to download the book, and I’m sorry for that. Perhaps my customer service team at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com can help you.

   No one who has not experienced what you’ve experienced can “get” you at the level you speak of – in this way – each of us is so unique. Yet – you can CONNECT with your therapist, and I hope he or she is able to help you slowly unwind yourself from your pain and create new ways of experiencing the world that feel good to you. Love, Rori

   Friday, 5 December 2008 @ 2:51pm

7. 7: Betsy says:

   I have a different problem. It’s the man that I am interested in who has prostate cancer. I have known him for several months and have seen him several times a week because of mutual interests. (Recently, I have pulled away and have not been so available.)

   I googled myself because I am in the news a lot. I decided to google him and found out about his prostate cancer. He does not know I know. (By the way, I am a 65 year old vibrant woman who was married for 38 years and then filed for divorce.) I feel that one of the reasons that we are not moving forward is because he is uncomfortable about his cancer. I’m wondering that if I am a siren, if it will be enough. (Soon after his wife died from cancer 7 years ago, he hooked up with a woman he has been involved with “off and on” for 6 years. I’m sure she knows about the cancer. In the meantime, he met me, and we have had great attraction.) I know that he needs time to heal from that breakup. I just don’t know if I am best advised to in some way bring up the cancer issue.

   Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 8:47am

8. 8: Rori Raye says:

   Betsy – Welcome. First – if you know something important about him, and it hasn’t come up in conversation – you won’t be able to build intimacy because this “not talked about” thing will be in the air between you. So you might consider a conversation in which you talk about how awkward you feel and conflicted and torn – but that you googled him and felt shocked and upset to learn about his cancer. He’ll react. You’ll say that you feel secure that he’ll beat this – it’s a very, very beatable thing, and you feel shallow and self-involved to even think this, but you’re concerned how it might be affecting your relationship if you don’t talk about it, and ask him what he thinks…

   And then – you CANNOT talk about it again, bring it up, or turn into a nurturing woman, because the one thing a man with prostrate cancer wants is a woman who makes him feel like a “man” – turned on, sexual, hard, and able to perform sexually. The more vulnerable he feels, the more he needs to feel that. That’s why a hot woman who doesn’t know anything about him but who could show up as a “one night stand” would be very attractive to him – but he might be afraid to follow through for fear of not performing. So – what you want to do is to treat him as though he’s 100% and you don’t even SEE the cancer (once it’s out in the open) – and that you think he’s HOT, and you’re hot to be with him – but that you don’t CARE what he does!

   He may be trying to get through this treatment phase without any real intimacy with a woman (thus the ex, who doesn’t really count – or who knows him so well he doesn’t think of his cancer so much when he’s with her) – and then have the fantasy that when the cancer’s over with – he can have any woman he wants.

   What you have to avoid is being some kind of nice, loving, nurturing transition woman by insisting that your own needs be met ALWAYS. Love, Rori

   Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 1:16pm

9. 9: monalisa says:

   hello Rori,
   im woman in mid forties with chronic illness, affecting
   my mobility ( terminal lung disease)
   this mean Im unable to socialise with people,go for holidays( in case I go, I have to stop every 15 meters to catch my breath) and generally speaking most of the physical activities used by people to connect and share,
   form frienships etc…are unavailable to me:(
   Please tell me :should I forget completely about having
   ever relationship with man..to be honest apart from health problems I dont have much to offer poor chap.This is my ongoing dillema,so I sort of isolated myself from social life.Also, men connect mostly through
   activities done together as a couple ,how can I if even making cup of tea takes my breath away!
   I would be v.grateful if u could shed some light on this
   Rori
   thanks M

   Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 8:05am

10. 10: monalisa says:

    I would like to add that before I fell ill I was outgoing
    v.active person ,loving travels,meeting people and having relationships with men .I believe illnes isolates
    I can feel it on myself,the only option for my disease is lung transplant ,but this is last resort and v.risky.
    So I probably have to resign myself to single life
    thank you Rori

    Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 8:17am

11. 11: Rori Raye says:

    Monalisa, Welcome, and I am so sorry for your pain and health situation. It makes all of our issues seem small in the perspective of yours. The only things I can suggest are these: To find whatever holistic, out-there and alternative treatments you can discover to expand your quality of life and reduce your pain and immobility…and as you do this…you will meet people and have conversations, and that will feel less isolating. Believing that you only have one option left is so difficult, and requires a completely different kind of surrender, and I would be so happy if you could find a way to find options for a higher quality of life, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem. There are many people out there with all kinds of illnesses who meet in support groups and at “healing” classes and spiritual forums and classes (in-person and on the internet), who would not shy away from a relationship with you. You would have something in common, and naturally build a friendship. Let me know if this helps your frame of mind and gives you something to pursue to help yourself. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 10:34am

12. 12: monalisa says:

    Hello Rori
    Thank you for your advise. You have so much empathy and understanding to offer.:)
    I agree with you that my situation is not easy to handle and needs different approach.being unable to breath
    properly makes the simplest things unattainable ( not to mention having romantic relationship, I need good lungs for it!)
    Im trying to do small things at home like practising
    tai chi. and I read alot . I do have a friendships 90% of them formed before I fell ill , probably I simply need to
    concentrate now more on my wellbeing then having man in my life…he would get probably scared anyway by my lack of health. It takes a lot of courage to be with sick person .Its probably this strange feeling in me
    that life will pass me by while I struggle with my lung issues. Friends come over to my place sometimes and I enjoy their company..only when it comes to travels,having breaks there and there ,sharing photographs from different holidays ,you know Rori.
    It dawns on me.Sometimes all one needs is to pack the rucksack,buy the ticket and go for a break ..somewher e. and this is where Im stuck …but have to accept facts that for now its out of menu .Sorry if Im too whining now..
    It is probably this active part of me which is moaning and longs for easy walk s down the beach…you know Im kind of free spirit who loves hiking, travelling,ideally with someone close to my heart
    Thank you Rori again for you advice …it helped me to
    look at my situation from bit different angle, of relationship therapist : you .I love the fact that you created this corner for people like me ,where normal relationship advice doesnt applies.
    best of wishes
    monalisa

    Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 6:18am

13. 13: monalisa says:

    I though also about having this mental blocade..some of my friends suggested to me that its all in my head..I mean,some women have partner even though they struggle with mobility…I really dont know Rori,
    I ve had intense relationship 7 y.ago but back then I was more mobile…this relationship slowly disintegrated
    as I was loosing my ability to move around and was unable to spent time with him abroad or even on simple breaks in the country .
    It was my first real love,and since it gone I convinced myself that my illness had played big part in it.but I never brought up this issue when I was seeing him so I dont know …
    I know Rori it doesnt make any sense what Im writin now
    m.

    Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 6:50am

14. 14: Eileen Mary says:

    Betsy,

    I have both problems. I have a neck disability that limits me and he went through Hep C treatment that has caused all sorts of problems. The big difference between us is that we have known each other 27 years. I know he is a real man that does not want me to do anything for him, but listen and love. But, we should all approach a relationship with a man as if they are like that.

    I have not seen him in 22 years and still the love is growing long distance with phone calls and emails, much thanks to Rori for this.

    At initial recontact he emailed the disastrous events that have befallen on him in the last two years. A breakup, Hep C treatment, hit and run accident, 3/4 of his house burning down, loss of job which caused his ending up as the ex’s border and lots of tension. The ex is always in his business telling him what to do, such as he needs to find his happy spot. He hates it, he is tried of her telling what to do, he just wants someone to listen, not fix it.

    I listen and just give him emotional support and tell him I faith in his character to get beyond all that has been thrown at him. Most recent conversation he opened up about the side effect of the Hep C treatment, severe eczema that makes him not even what to touch anyone. My response was ” I don’t care about the excema, your beautiful heart has always been what I loved. ” He got quiet, emotional, and softly said, ” I love your beautiful heart also.”

    We cannot always feel hurt and rejected when a man is going through an illness, they have their own inner struggles about their sense of self. On the other hand we don’t have accept what is unfair or make us feel bad.

    Example, My man Tony asked me to sent nudges by email to remind him to keep in contact with each other. I sent a feeling message telling him that makes me feel unimportant and I don’t like feeling that way. What I didn’t know was he requested that because his treatments affected his memory and he tires easily. In any case he did not take it as me being unsympathetic or demanding and selfish. I now am getting more emails addressed “Hi pretty Lady” and ending with X’s and O’s. Calls that start with “How you doing woman” and ending with “I love you”. Makes me feel all girlie at age 60.

    Listen to Rori’s advice, it does work.

    Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 8:42am

15. 15: Eileen Mary says:

    Monalisa,

    I have a disability and know how it can take a long time to see anything other than that about ourselves. It sometimes can be the whole focus of our lives. Try focusing on what you can do and build on them so you have more self-esteem. No one is perfect even those without disabilities. We all have something to give, even if it is just a hearing ear to a distressed friend, that has worth also.

    Hugs to you. Love Eileen

    Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 8:50am

16. 16: Wendy Hammersmark says:

    I have just read the article that you and Kelly Ann Colbert have written and it has help to open my eyes. I live in a state of Chronic Pain. I was involved in a car accident when my daughter was 2 years old. She just now turned 18. Most of the bad pain has has mellowed. I had re-accuring episodes and have been through Physical Therapy 3 times And I was feeling a lot better until last Thanksgiving. The day before I was re-ended again. And everything seems to all be back along with new pain. This is all in my neck and upper back. I am depressed and in pain most of the times. My doctor says, go live with it and deal with pain by taking Advil. What a joke…. If I take only one pain pill at around 6pm Like Norco, my pain is gone. 3 Advil do nothing. It is sad to say but we are now an under medicated society because of all the people who have abused pain pills. That the people in real pain can’t get help. After reading the article, I have realized that it is the smaller muscles that I have not been trying to get strong and healthy. And I want to thank you for opening my eyes. I still don’t know where I can find the help. And since I have just lost my job of almost 25 years I have to do things that really don’t cost money. If you have any idea where I could start that would be great. my next post will be in the relationship area
    Have a great day
    Wendy

    Saturday, 24 October 2009 @ 2:03pm

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