I have a disability and know how it can take a long time to see anything other than that about ourselves. It sometimes can be the whole focus of our lives. Try focusing on what you can do and build on them so you have more self-esteem. No one is perfect even those without disabilities. We all have something to give, even if it is just a hearing ear to a distressed friend, that has worth also.

Hugs to you. Love Eileen

I have both problems. I have a neck disability that limits me and he went through Hep C treatment that has caused all sorts of problems. The big difference between us is that we have known each other 27 years. I know he is a real man that does not want me to do anything for him, but listen and love. But, we should all approach a relationship with a man as if they are like that.

I have not seen him in 22 years and still the love is growing long distance with phone calls and emails, much thanks to Rori for this.

At initial recontact he emailed the disastrous events that have befallen on him in the last two years. A breakup, Hep C treatment, hit and run accident, 3/4 of his house burning down, loss of job which caused his ending up as the ex’s border and lots of tension. The ex is always in his business telling him what to do, such as he needs to find his happy spot. He hates it, he is tried of her telling what to do, he just wants someone to listen, not fix it.

I listen and just give him emotional support and tell him I faith in his character to get beyond all that has been thrown at him. Most recent conversation he opened up about the side effect of the Hep C treatment, severe eczema that makes him not even what to touch anyone. My response was ” I don’t care about the excema, your beautiful heart has always been what I loved. ” He got quiet, emotional, and softly said, ” I love your beautiful heart also.”

We cannot always feel hurt and rejected when a man is going through an illness, they have their own inner struggles about their sense of self. On the other hand we don’t have accept what is unfair or make us feel bad.

Example, My man Tony asked me to sent nudges by email to remind him to keep in contact with each other. I sent a feeling message telling him that makes me feel unimportant and I don’t like feeling that way. What I didn’t know was he requested that because his treatments affected his memory and he tires easily. In any case he did not take it as me being unsympathetic or demanding and selfish. I now am getting more emails addressed “Hi pretty Lady” and ending with X’s and O’s. Calls that start with “How you doing woman” and ending with “I love you”. Makes me feel all girlie at age 60.

Listen to Rori’s advice, it does work.

And then – you CANNOT talk about it again, bring it up, or turn into a nurturing woman, because the one thing a man with prostrate cancer wants is a woman who makes him feel like a “man” – turned on, sexual, hard, and able to perform sexually. The more vulnerable he feels, the more he needs to feel that. That’s why a hot woman who doesn’t know anything about him but who could show up as a “one night stand” would be very attractive to him – but he might be afraid to follow through for fear of not performing. So – what you want to do is to treat him as though he’s 100% and you don’t even SEE the cancer (once it’s out in the open) – and that you think he’s HOT, and you’re hot to be with him – but that you don’t CARE what he does!

He may be trying to get through this treatment phase without any real intimacy with a woman (thus the ex, who doesn’t really count – or who knows him so well he doesn’t think of his cancer so much when he’s with her) – and then have the fantasy that when the cancer’s over with – he can have any woman he wants.

What you have to avoid is being some kind of nice, loving, nurturing transition woman by insisting that your own needs be met ALWAYS. Love, Rori

I googled myself because I am in the news a lot. I decided to google him and found out about his prostate cancer. He does not know I know. (By the way, I am a 65 year old vibrant woman who was married for 38 years and then filed for divorce.) I feel that one of the reasons that we are not moving forward is because he is uncomfortable about his cancer. I’m wondering that if I am a siren, if it will be enough. (Soon after his wife died from cancer 7 years ago, he hooked up with a woman he has been involved with “off and on” for 6 years. I’m sure she knows about the cancer. In the meantime, he met me, and we have had great attraction.) I know that he needs time to heal from that breakup. I just don’t know if I am best advised to in some way bring up the cancer issue.