Porn And Your Relationship
Okay - this is a tough, tough topic - and I asked Tinque to guest post about it - because she’s dealt with it in her own life, becoming an amazing woman, an absolute expert and a great coach. Her take is completely the opposite of everything you’ll hear out there, and I’ll be asking her to write for us often, as well as comment.
Tinque is completely about using EVERYTHING that shows up to expand herself inside - and she’s absolutely determined to expand herself, totally dedicated to herself, and to helping you turn this lemon into lemonade as she’s done. She wrote this in reply to a post we both saw about how porn and fantasy take away from a relationship - you’ll see how she has a very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope perspective and some very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope and powerful ideas on this, and I know you’ll have lots of comments (here’s a picture of Tinque, too):
“Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or as fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.
I discovered my partner liked to look at porn on the internet three years into the relationship. If I hadn’t happened upon it one day, I would still not know to this day that he likes porn, for he was always attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us. We had a really nice relationship even though I knew all along that I was keeping my deeper self from him.
I always have and knew no other way out of fear etc., yet still we were really good together. I’m sure he sensed some of this somewhere, but he’s patient and felt that someday I would open to him or not. Porn had nothing to do with any of this.
Finding it though plunged me into deep despair, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t entirely about the porn. It was much more about deeper issues that were being triggered by it. It took me three more years of intense inner work using various means along with desire, determination, and dedication that brought me through to the other side.
I came to find out that for him and surely other men as well that porn only stokes the fire of his passion for me, or sometimes it’s just an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time. Who doesn’t enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.
Men like my man have a wonderful way of being able to be sexually attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.
Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection from eyeballs to penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain and the heart. A distinct difference of which he’s well aware. This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel, sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios; we can become caught up in it all and possibly become confused. For most men this is not true.
For me now that I have healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, I find that I can feel all that I just described above if I find an image or clip that arouses me, but there is never a comparison, for I’m just feeling what I feel nebulously, as if I’m a sentient, ephemeral being among ghost like figures.
They are so not real, fun to fantasize about and maybe masturbate to sometimes but not very fulfilling. What could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.
We’ve been together now for over six years, and though sex has never been boring, it keeps getting better and better. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit. I have also found that men take our lead in this. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us. They find something through our hearts for which there really isn’t one word. It’s aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more.
It’s not that they can’t find these things without us, they can, yet in a loving union, it’s such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so. But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they open to us they open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.
Maybe we’re both lucky to have what we have with each other, for he is my brand of adoring white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.”
I’ll bet this is triggering you, because in all the time Tinque and I were working together, I felt triggered and inspired to work with myself, too - so I could stay WITH Tinque while she was moving so fast through all of this amazing personal growth. All the Tools I developed for her, I used for myself, and I’ve been sharing them with you. But Tinque is actually in the MIDDLE of this expanding relationship - so her point of view is absolutely unique and expert.
If you want to read more on her blog, or talk to Tinque by phone, visit www.tinque.blogspot.com - it’s very, very eye-opening and controversial.
I’m going to push the envelope on this topic, because it’s absolutely everywhere right now, and USE this often very UGLY and painful situation to open up many, many places in ourselves that can turn it into a beautiful thing for us personally - in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we relate to men and CHOOSE our men.
Love, Rori
written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »
Caj13 says:
Well, I’m gonna kick this off with MY body. No - no confessions about an early porn star career. Actually I’ve been in more than a funk lately and with some professional help, have been finally getting to the trauma, realizing what it consisted in and the extent to which it has shaped my life, finding ways to deal with it. Heavy stuff, so I’ve been resting (and with helpful reminders in Rori’s posts, not beating myself up too much about being lazy). Yet still, I can’t quite get to expressing the anger, it just fizzles out and stays stuck. So what to do? (One of these days, my plan is to take singing lessons , not especially to sing, but to learn how to make myself make and project sound, angry, RAGING sounds - like my fellow, expert deliciously furious goddesses on here.) In the meantime, I kept picking up on all Rori’s references to getting into the body, even though my body has been feeling as ghostly as my voice. And bingo, this week, the Universe has decided to serve my body! First in Monday’s “love café” (sounds corny, it’s not, sounds weird, it sometimes is) where a therapist couple had us all gradually looking at and touching each other in the most comforting, respectful and feel good ways. I’d been ready to bolt if it got yucky, and instead even my head and heart felt better. Then, this afternoon, some musician friends wanted to show me the massage techniques they have been learning. This is something that I hardly expected from that quarter and just isn’t in my repertoire (I hate giving massages, so I guess I feel I don’t deserve getting them), but what a delight having my feet and upper back modeled and caressed, in a peaceful setting with music and rock crystal lights. We forget how healing touch can be; how grounding, too. So after such fantastic preparation and despite a body that had been awol for some time and a bum foot, I went dancing tonight ! And got asked to dance more than I ever do, by all kinds of men young and o…let’s say more in my age bracket (not that I’m prejudiced against the younger set, they’re certainly a lot cuter).
So what has this to do with porn? Nothing. It’s just about baby steps and doing your own body good, even just thinking good or feeling good about yourself, even just trying without great success, keeping the faith that this is worthwhile, as we are all helping each other do on here, that gets things moving in good directions.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 5:39pm
alias girl says:
yae caj 13! that sounds soooo wonderful. those sound like Big baby steps! yae! good for you. welcome back to your body.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6:05pm
Reshi says:
Caj13, do you have Modern Siren? There’s a whole long awesome section about using your voice on there–I know every time I go through and do it I feel like I’ve been through an awesome voice lesson. Also, this “love cafe” thing has me interested, I want to move to whatever city you live in!
As for porn, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I love it. Not the degrading stuff, of course, but beautiful naked bodies getting it on? I’m a huge fan. In fact, I often find it turns me on.
So I don’t think I’d have an issue with any man of mine looking at porn–just as long as it fires him up to get it on with me afterwards!
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6:55pm
Caj13 says:
Thanks, AG and Reshi. No, don’t have Modern Siren yet, but it’s on my wish list. Re the love cafe, well I live in Europe, so it might be a tad more challenging to move here than to another state. But there’ve been speakers who’ve lived, worked, wrote in California or done seminars there, so I think it would be possible for one to exist there, at least. (One guy went to a seminar to learn how to have an orgasm without ejaculating, then came back home here and somehow told his stepmother, a famous writer, about the experience and they wrote a book together ! - told ya - weird sometimes).
Anyway, I used to be with you about porn (well no, actually, I prefer with a guy), but so much of it has just gotten SO raunchy and degrading, even downright criminal, that I guess I prefer the prissier language of erotica now. Whatever. You’re right about the turn-on, though, and it’s definitely the female body which is erotic for both sexes. Sure, we can more than appreciate male bodies, but it’s not (or very rarely) the instant, direct, reflexive peeper-to-pee’er that Tinque was talking about for men. But I keep hearing about young women going around exclaiming, loudly, ‘Omg did you see him? I’m so wet!’ and then their friends feeling sooo complexed cuz they just don’t get these hystero-hard ons! So, let’s just keep it real here, and true to ourselves. Prudery may be someone else’s agenda, but we can have our own tastes and not be silly copy-cats!
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 8:02pm
Reshi says:
Yeah, I can get turned on by a pornographic image–and yes, it’s definitely the female body that does it for me–but there’s no insta-boner, it definitely takes a detour through the brain (and some delicious imagery of a beautiful man doing all that stuff to me) first. And you’re right, a lot of what’s out there is degrading and icky-feeling–where it seems like the goal is for men to “score” at our expense. And if a man I was seeing liked that kind of porn, I don’t think I would continue seeing him. For lack of a better term, “win-win porn” is what the world needs more of. That I could see men and women enjoying together.
I can’t even imagine getting wet just from seeing a pretty guy. There would have to be some attention and energy from him to me before I felt anything. Maybe that means I am a feminine energy person, maybe it just means I’m a dried up old hag…I prefer to beliieve the former.
I can’t really get int erotica with all the references to “tumescent manhood” and “heaving mounds” but erotic poetry really does it for me…that’s yet one more level of abstraction I suppose…talk about flowers and gardens and moonlight and passion. Especially erotic poetry written by men…there’s something so amazing in that. I have a notebook where I copied down several such poems and pretend they were written for me; I read it whenever I feel I need a shot of bliss.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 9:36pm
Cassandra says:
Caj…I loved your post about getting back into your body. Interestingly, given all that I have been physically dealing with lately I have gotten away from that as well and need to get back to that. I am SO excited to hear that you have always wanted to sing! Personally, I believe that when I AM singing…when i am on a stage or in the studio and just able to do my thing….I am TOTALLY immersed in ME and what I am FEELING. If I can’t FEEL what I am singing than how can I move anyone else to feel anything and music is such a powerful tool that truly go directly to you heart and spirit. I think that it is the one time that I feel absolutely free to be ME and I feel safe there and wonderful.
There an excercise that I wanted to share with you that will help you not only in your singing but in getting in touch with your body…Rori….I hope this is ok that I share this here.
First, while you are standing up - shoulders relaxed and arms falling naturally at your sides….just breathe..in thru your nose and out thru your mouth. You can even count to five each way if that will help you. Notice if your chest is rising or expanding or if your tummy is extending and expanding…no right or wrong…just notice what your body is doing. Do this a few times so that you are totally in touch with how your breathing feels and where (chest or tummy) it is coming from. Now…lay down on the floor - on your back and do the very same thing. You will notice as you get into notcing how your body feels that as you were doing this standing up your chest was expending more but as you do this on the floor laying down you will see that your tummy will be expanding more and that you can take in alot more air. Think of a sleeping baby - they always breathe thru their tummies. When you breathe in thru your nose while laying on the floor expand your tummy as far as you can by taking in as much air as you can. One thing you can add to this excercise is…as you are laying down on the floor…as you breathe out gently let out an open sound such as an ‘AHHHHH’ or an OHHHH. If you also try this standing up you will notice the difference in the strength of your voice laying down as opposed to standing up…you will have alot more strenght laying down. The more often that you do this you will begin to FEEL this in your body and eventually be able to transfer that awareness to feel the same thing and breath ‘with your tummy’ even when you are standing up. This is one of the very first things that you would ever learn in a good voice lesson and it will help you alot. I hope this helps and i can’t wait to hear all about your singing!!
With love and hugs…
Cassandra
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 4:27am
Caj13 says:
Thank you so much Cassandra! I just tried it and it works! Fabulous (the Mozart on the radio was just too flippant to cry with rage, but I can try with something darker). And I’m sure this will help a lot of other Still-caught-in-their-throat Sirens, too. It’s lovely having you think about me, AND what about yourself? Get back ‘n Practice What You Preach, Angel-Voice ! XOXO
PS Reshi - How about Starting a ‘love café’ as a business proposition !!?? I’m sure there’s a market, and Rori could be your first guest speaker!
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 5:52am
Cassandra says:
Caj..YAY!!! I am so glad that you tried it! If you are looking for a darker piece of music to listen to as you really feel your rage then try Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. You will love it! It is dark but has a kind of peaceful eeriness to it. Again..hope this helps.
Reshi - I think that Caj’s idea of a Love Cafe’ is an awesome idea!!! Go for it Goddess!!
With love and huge hugs….Cassandra
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 6:43am
Erika says:
I’m with Reshi. Maybe we are in a minority among women, but porn has never bothered me at all. Why resist it? Watch it with him! Same goes for strip clubs (gasp).
Lol
Getting more mischievous all the time …
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 9:37am
Daria says:
UGH… i called this guy who had not called me and I feel gross! He texted me back that he’s going to call me later but I feel scared I messed up my “vibe” which was doing really well…. YUCK… I feel Gross. And I love my gross feelings. Thank u feelings.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 12:37pm
tinque says:
All of you ladies are so awesome. Here are some more melancholic pieces to listen to, anything by Sibelius, symphony #5 is a favorite as well as Valse Triste, Mahler #2 and #5, Gorecki #2. I have more if anyone is interested.
Now I have a question to pose to everyone. I too find images of bodies doing sexual, loving things to each other a turn on as well as some more edgy stuff, but what I like is couples and scenarios. Men like the women by themselves, alone, not so much the couple stuff. Doesn’t that make you feel insecure? Don’t you wonder if he finds them, the images, more attractive than you? Younger? Prettier? Something else-er? Don’t you wonder if he imagines himself with the women he sees? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad? Less than? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
tinque
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 1:57pm
alias girl says:
tinque. thank you for your lovely presence and your evocative posts!
i personally would not have a huge problem unless the guy is a sex addict and is using the porn to medicate and check out of his life or treat depression or something. but then certainly in that case the porn is just a symptom.
as far as the women being hot. well it’s so fake in my eyes that i don’t feel that threatened. i feel threatened by women in real life that he may actually meet.
i don’t have big trigger issues with porn. i personally am not that attracted to it and interestingly i tend to attract men thaat really don’t go to it that often.
i am big on fantasies though. but that’s a whole other topic.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 2:49pm
Reshi says:
Tinque brings up a good point. I think I would in fact feel threatened if my guy was looking at pictures of women alone, for all the reasons mentioned. I couldn’t blame him for getting turned on if he happened to see such images, but if he were to give them his focused attention in that way, to seek them out, I would actually consider that a deal-breaker–if I see it going on. Now if he’s discreet enough about it that I don’t know he’s doing it, then I don’t care. Everyone needs their private fantasies after all, and I have plenty of my own. But putting pictures of other women where I can see them–that feels like disregard and disrespect and at this point in my life I wouldn’t stand for it.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 5:05pm
Cassandra says:
Tinque…I would absolutely have a problem with my man viewing porn. I guess I am pretty old fashioned that way but I also find that what is out there is so degrading to women and it seems quite abusive to me…as though the women are treated as an object rather than a human being…I am totally not into that at all. I personally would definitely have issues with feeling what you wrote above……”Doesn’t that make you feel insecure? Don’t you wonder if he finds them, the images, more attractive than you? Younger? Prettier? Something else-er? Don’t you wonder if he imagines himself with the women he sees? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad? Less than?” I would feel all of these things most definitely. When I have found out throughout our relationship that he had been on a christian dating site and then a site for people who intend to have an affair that was crushing enough for me and porn would make me feel the same way. perhaps it is my own weaknesses and/ or insecurities but I would NOT be ok with this at all. I am still reeling at times from the sites that I have found that he has visited since we have been together and after I moved here for him and even now I am not sure that I can ever forget that he was on them……. even still those may be a deal breaker for me…time will tell.
Love,
Cassandra
Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 5:55pm
Samat says:
I think its not about more attractive or more anything, to me its like he finds them attractive anyway. Even if he didnt think they were more attractive I would still be bothered. I dont want to compare myself with another girl on that kind of thing because im way better and sexier lol. I just dont wana date a guy who would go into that sort of thing while he’s dating me, i mean why would he when hes dating me? lol but i guess thats just wishful thinking. I am looking for someone who can look past it and be only involved with me. I dont think ill ever find anyone like that but im still hoping. Ok i feel really bad now. I dont think its about insecurity and stuff, I think thats just a label to make it ok for guys to do it. I am not so insecure i guess but it still bothers me about the fact that my guy’s doing it.
Sunday, 21 December 2008 @ 4:37am
tinque says:
It seems as though I’ve stirred up some strong feelings here. I appreciate everyone’s honesty.
I want to say first that most men look at this stuff, somewhere in the upper 90th percentile. I don’t want to say that’s it’s instinct, but it’s something like that, but I also want to stress, and I can’t stress this enough, it’s not as you think it is. Men’s responses do not work at all like ours. Images can be very real to us, not so men. Men have a way to compartmentalize we just don’t. When we look at an image, it’s almost as if we’re there. We can either imagine ourselves as this person, or we can imagine what it would be like to be this person. We can empathize almost completely. When men look at images, it’s almost not a person. That’s how detached an act it is for them. Men love to be stimulated, and the easiest, quickest way for them is through images. Women love to be stimulated too, but we seem to be able to achieve this more easily through our imaginations.
A good and well balanced man will look at images of naked women, but there is no, I repeat, NO connection. It is simply a tool to keep the juices flowing, for us, I repeat, for US. Especially as they get older, the added stimulation is not so much important as, well, enjoyed I suppose. Looking at images of naked females is a momentary boost of erotic energy which they keep with them to be endowed on US. A good, well balanced, loving man will rarely ejaculate to these images, and if the does, it’s really not such a big deal. Men do like to release stress in this way every now and then, by themselves, but again I say there is no connection to what they see. The images are just as quickly gone from their consciousnesses.
I realize this is hard for us to imagine, hard for us to accept, but it’s true.
Things to look for as being not so good habits: your man looks at porn more than you, neglects you or his life, his job, his hobbies; he’s secretive about it, hides it from you.
Reshi mentioned that she would rather not know, and I respect that, but sooner or later it will come up; you will find it, so I feel it’s better to know, share it if you can. I agree that putting it right in your face, looking at it while you’re in the other room or while you’re right there when you would rather he not is disrespectful and inconsiderate, but hiding it is a form of lying which is a form of cheating. You need to find what works for you to make you feel comfortable with it, find peace around it. I assure you most men do it and if they say they’re not, they’re probably lying.
This is a hard one for many women, as it’s been for me, but if you ever saw us, me and my guy, together, you would see how much he adores me and is so turned on by me, yet he still likes porn. Again I say that it’s used as tool of arousal to be bestowed on me. ME, later.
Monday, 22 December 2008 @ 12:08pm
Reshi says:
I suppose I wouldn’t mind knowing he looks at porn. It’s turning AWAY from me and TOWARDS the porn that would be the deal-breaker.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008 @ 7:12pm
JP says:
It all depends on my inner confidence.
In the olden days there were ‘nice’ girls and ‘not-nice’ girls. We all tried to be nice girls but felt threatened by the not-nice ones. What if one of our boyfriends ran off with one? What would that make us? (Nice, but not desirable - how humiliating).
And how sad that a false and limiting belief can cause so much insecurity, yet it’s such a prevalent cultural attitude in many parts of the world.
I like looking at pictures of sexy, undressed men. I don’t go looking extensively, but if I come across something (pardon the pun) I enjoy it
Men looking at porn is something I’ve always assumed is normal for them. I’m uncomfortable with anything heavy, though - I’m not into hardcore S&M, bondage or anything that isn’t to do with consenting adults.
A friend of mine went to a Burlesque workshop and found it fabulous for bringing out her Sexual Feminine. I feel good in my Sexual Feminine since experimenting with outfits, fantasies and taking care of my body.
Poetry lovers might like to read Grevel Lindop’s ‘Playing with Fire’. The sequence of poems around his visits to lapdancing bars created lots of controversy and I found myself a lone voice in admiring his vulnerability in exploring his sexual self in this way and sharing it with the public.
Saturday, 27 December 2008 @ 1:36am
Erika goes to Vegas? | Spiritual Seduction with Erika Awakening: says:
[...] http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/porn-and-your-man/porn-and-your-relationship/ [...]
Monday, 27 July 2009 @ 5:39pm
Radchik07 says:
I have so been enjoying the posts from Rori and have already learned so much that has changed my thinking process about relationships, men and sex and I realize that so much of what I have been taught has been damaging to my sexual self. I was so hung up on Porn that I got a divorce over it. But what my problem really was came out later, I had a horrible self image as a female, a total lack of confidence in myself as a sexual being and was incredibly shut down about all of that. Now I am using what I have learned about being comfortable with myself FIRST, in order to love and relate to others including men. I was hung up in my dad’s images of women. Now I have a great relationship with my exhusband that feels real and other men as well and it is working for me to date many people including myself first. Also I have been actively seeking out what makes me tick sexually and looking for each experience to be a learning one, ABOUT MYSELF. Life is so much more interesting now that I can go into each date, party or sexual experience with and open mind. I am 51 years old and having a blast, finally allowing myself to love and accept ME first, then others. I have found porn that I like and what I respond to both positive and negatively and seek out erotic stimuli that I like. It has made it so much better than shutting down around all of it like I did for so long.
Sunday, 23 August 2009 @ 5:20pm
Rori Raye says:
Welcome, Radchik, and Yippee!! You sound wonderful….look forward to more of your comments about how you made this transformation happen for yourself…Love, Rori
Sunday, 23 August 2009 @ 6:48pm
tinque says:
Radchiko7 - Thank you for reading this and responding in such a beautiful and eloquent way. I so applaud you in your ability to get beyond the pain of porn and learn to celebrate yourself no matter what your age. Though this is an old post I wrote as a guest writer for Rori, it still resonates with me. I still have baby melt downs around this subject every now and then, last night being one of them, so your comment has helped me, the “expert” of this topic.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for you.
xxoo tinque
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 6:06am
Radchik07 says:
aww, shucks! You all are doing really great stuff and helping women!!! Thanks for you too! A sexually and emotionally fulfilled woman is a happy woman and we can all do it, no matter what our age, shape or status. We are all juicy goddesses and Sirens!
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:00am
tinque says:
Amen to juiciness!!! Yum…
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:04am
Radchik07 says:
Here’s a website exploring what is visually erotic for women that may interest you all;
http://community.livejournal.com/thefemalegaze. The women who run it have lauched a new magazine caleed Filament in Britain that challenges the idea that women don’t look at visual erotic images. Personally I think we have been taught its “bad” along with any female sexual expression. As Rumi says ” Out past the ideas of good and bad, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. “
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:20am
tinque says:
Actually science has found that women become aroused via images more quickly than men. One of the big differences is that our arousal is not visible. Due to whatever circumstances, upbringing, religion, society, personal issues etc. we are often unaware of our arousal. Women also become aroused by a greater variety of images than do men meaning heterosexual men obviously become aroused by images of women who they find attractive whether it be a smile or a body part or the whole figure, clothed or unclothed. Homosexual men are aroused by other men for the same reasons. Women on the other hand become aroused by men and other women just as easily whether we be straight or otherwise meaning our sexuality is far more fluid. Studies have also shown that we also become aroused by viewing animals having sex. Men not so much if at all. It takes a deep awareness of ourselves to tap into this almost constant arousal. And thus our juiciness.
(Thank you for the site referral.) xxoo
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:34am
just me says:
Hi Tinque, thanks for your insight about this issue. Its actually quite a problem for me as a previous boyfriend stopped having sex with me and turned to watching porn. We went about 9 months with no sex and then i could only get him to have sex with me if we were watching porn. Obviously not a healthy relationship and it has left me scarred (i didn’t really have a problem with watching porn before this). My current boyfriend told me in the beginning he didn’t need to watch porn because he had me. well now we are about a year into the relationship and he has started watching porn on a regular basis and our sex life isn’t what it used to be. I’m worried about a repeat of the previous relationship and wanted him to stop. So he promised me he wouldn’t watch it and stopped. Then I caught him watching it again and was upset because he promised me and then did it anyway. He just doesn’t understand and I wish I could just get over it, but it hasn’t been so easy.
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 3:55am
Rori Raye says:
Just me, Welcome, and Tinque is your girl. She coaches by phone, so email her (find her on her blog) — and we’ll talk more about it here. There is a HUGE difference between an issue that doesn’t affect your relationship negatively, and something that DOES. And as Tinque will tell you, sometimes you can change the category your situation falls in. It’s always worth a try…but then you must know when to say “enough.” Love, Rori
Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 7:58pm
tinque says:
Hi just me,
I just wanted to let you know I saw your request for help around this what can be a VERY painful issue. I will write more later, but for now I suggest you explore my site. I’ve written A LOT about this and what I did to heal myself. Clicking on my name here will take you there. You can also contact me directly if that feels more comfortable to you.
I’m so glad you’re here.
xxoo
Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 7:27am
tinque says:
just me - I want you to know I’ve been thinking about you but don’t know how best to help you in that I’m not sure what you are asking of me here.
I understand you fear a repeat of before, and that’s a very real fear. Asking for promises, as in this case asking your man to stop, doesn’t work. When someone feels restricted in any way, even if it’s something they don’t particularly want to do, the restriction acts as a lure. We all have rules imposed on us, such as the government, work, as well as our childhood demons. A man wants nothing more than to feel safe with his woman and to experience her as a freeing force, not a restrictive one. He gets more than enough of that already.
It seems as though he is increasingly turning to porn rather than be with you. Is it because he feels restricted by you? Is it stress? Something else? Have you asked to share it with him? Have you told him how you FEEL? For example, “I feel insecure when our sex life diminishes. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you. What do you think? Can you help me with this?”
Please let me know how else I can help you, just me.
xxoo
Thursday, 15 October 2009 @ 9:02am