Porn And Your Relationship
Okay – this is a tough, tough topic – and I asked Tinque to guest post about it – because she’s dealt with it in her own life, becoming an amazing woman, an absolute expert and a great coach. Her take is completely the opposite of everything you’ll hear out there, and I’ll be asking her to write for us often, as well as comment.
Tinque is completely about using EVERYTHING that shows up to expand herself inside – and she’s absolutely determined to expand herself, totally dedicated to herself, and to helping you turn this lemon into lemonade as she’s done. She wrote this in reply to a post we both saw about how porn and fantasy take away from a relationship – you’ll see how she has a very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope perspective and some very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope and powerful ideas on this, and I know you’ll have lots of comments (here’s a picture of Tinque, too):
“Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or as fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.
I discovered my partner liked to look at porn on the internet three years into the relationship. If I hadn’t happened upon it one day, I would still not know to this day that he likes porn, for he was always attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us. We had a really nice relationship even though I knew all along that I was keeping my deeper self from him.
I always have and knew no other way out of fear etc., yet still we were really good together. I’m sure he sensed some of this somewhere, but he’s patient and felt that someday I would open to him or not. Porn had nothing to do with any of this.
Finding it though plunged me into deep despair, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t entirely about the porn. It was much more about deeper issues that were being triggered by it. It took me three more years of intense inner work using various means along with desire, determination, and dedication that brought me through to the other side.
I came to find out that for him and surely other men as well that porn only stokes the fire of his passion for me, or sometimes it’s just an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time. Who doesn’t enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.
Men like my man have a wonderful way of being able to be sexually attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.
Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection from eyeballs to penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain and the heart. A distinct difference of which he’s well aware. This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel, sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios; we can become caught up in it all and possibly become confused. For most men this is not true.
For me now that I have healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, I find that I can feel all that I just described above if I find an image or clip that arouses me, but there is never a comparison, for I’m just feeling what I feel nebulously, as if I’m a sentient, ephemeral being among ghost like figures.
They are so not real, fun to fantasize about and maybe masturbate to sometimes but not very fulfilling. What could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.
We’ve been together now for over six years, and though sex has never been boring, it keeps getting better and better. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit. I have also found that men take our lead in this. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us. They find something through our hearts for which there really isn’t one word. It’s aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more.
It’s not that they can’t find these things without us, they can, yet in a loving union, it’s such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so. But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they open to us they open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.
Maybe we’re both lucky to have what we have with each other, for he is my brand of adoring white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.”
I’ll bet this is triggering you, because in all the time Tinque and I were working together, I felt triggered and inspired to work with myself, too – so I could stay WITH Tinque while she was moving so fast through all of this amazing personal growth. All the Tools I developed for her, I used for myself, and I’ve been sharing them with you. But Tinque is actually in the MIDDLE of this expanding relationship – so her point of view is absolutely unique and expert.
If you want to read more on her blog, or talk to Tinque by phone, visit www.tinque.blogspot.com – it’s very, very eye-opening and controversial.
I’m going to push the envelope on this topic, because it’s absolutely everywhere right now, and USE this often very UGLY and painful situation to open up many, many places in ourselves that can turn it into a beautiful thing for us personally – in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we relate to men and CHOOSE our men.
Love, Rori
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1: Caj13
says:
Well, I’m gonna kick this off with MY body. No – no confessions about an early porn star career. Actually I’ve been in more than a funk lately and with some professional help, have been finally getting to the trauma, realizing what it consisted in and the extent to which it has shaped my life, finding ways to deal with it. Heavy stuff, so I’ve been resting (and with helpful reminders in Rori’s posts, not beating myself up too much about being lazy). Yet still, I can’t quite get to expressing the anger, it just fizzles out and stays stuck. So what to do? (One of these days, my plan is to take singing lessons , not especially to sing, but to learn how to make myself make and project sound, angry, RAGING sounds – like my fellow, expert deliciously furious goddesses on here.) In the meantime, I kept picking up on all Rori’s references to getting into the body, even though my body has been feeling as ghostly as my voice. And bingo, this week, the Universe has decided to serve my body! First in Monday’s “love café” (sounds corny, it’s not, sounds weird, it sometimes is) where a therapist couple had us all gradually looking at and touching each other in the most comforting, respectful and feel good ways. I’d been ready to bolt if it got yucky, and instead even my head and heart felt better. Then, this afternoon, some musician friends wanted to show me the massage techniques they have been learning. This is something that I hardly expected from that quarter and just isn’t in my repertoire (I hate giving massages, so I guess I feel I don’t deserve getting them), but what a delight having my feet and upper back modeled and caressed, in a peaceful setting with music and rock crystal lights. We forget how healing touch can be; how grounding, too. So after such fantastic preparation and despite a body that had been awol for some time and a bum foot, I went dancing tonight ! And got asked to dance more than I ever do, by all kinds of men young and o…let’s say more in my age bracket (not that I’m prejudiced against the younger set, they’re certainly a lot cuter).
So what has this to do with porn? Nothing. It’s just about baby steps and doing your own body good, even just thinking good or feeling good about yourself, even just trying without great success, keeping the faith that this is worthwhile, as we are all helping each other do on here, that gets things moving in good directions.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 5:39pm
2: alias girl
says:
yae caj 13! that sounds soooo wonderful. those sound like Big baby steps! yae! good for you. welcome back to your body.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6:05pm
3: Reshi
says:
Caj13, do you have Modern Siren? There’s a whole long awesome section about using your voice on there–I know every time I go through and do it I feel like I’ve been through an awesome voice lesson. Also, this “love cafe” thing has me interested, I want to move to whatever city you live in!
As for porn, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I love it. Not the degrading stuff, of course, but beautiful naked bodies getting it on? I’m a huge fan. In fact, I often find it turns me on.
So I don’t think I’d have an issue with any man of mine looking at porn–just as long as it fires him up to get it on with me afterwards!
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6:55pm
4: Caj13
says:
Thanks, AG and Reshi. No, don’t have Modern Siren yet, but it’s on my wish list. Re the love cafe, well I live in Europe, so it might be a tad more challenging to move here than to another state. But there’ve been speakers who’ve lived, worked, wrote in California or done seminars there, so I think it would be possible for one to exist there, at least. (One guy went to a seminar to learn how to have an orgasm without ejaculating, then came back home here and somehow told his stepmother, a famous writer, about the experience and they wrote a book together ! – told ya – weird sometimes).
Anyway, I used to be with you about porn (well no, actually, I prefer with a guy), but so much of it has just gotten SO raunchy and degrading, even downright criminal, that I guess I prefer the prissier language of erotica now. Whatever. You’re right about the turn-on, though, and it’s definitely the female body which is erotic for both sexes. Sure, we can more than appreciate male bodies, but it’s not (or very rarely) the instant, direct, reflexive peeper-to-pee’er that Tinque was talking about for men. But I keep hearing about young women going around exclaiming, loudly, ‘Omg did you see him? I’m so wet!’ and then their friends feeling sooo complexed cuz they just don’t get these hystero-hard ons! So, let’s just keep it real here, and true to ourselves. Prudery may be someone else’s agenda, but we can have our own tastes and not be silly copy-cats!
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 8:02pm
5: Reshi
says:
Yeah, I can get turned on by a pornographic image–and yes, it’s definitely the female body that does it for me–but there’s no insta-boner, it definitely takes a detour through the brain (and some delicious imagery of a beautiful man doing all that stuff to me) first. And you’re right, a lot of what’s out there is degrading and icky-feeling–where it seems like the goal is for men to “score” at our expense. And if a man I was seeing liked that kind of porn, I don’t think I would continue seeing him. For lack of a better term, “win-win porn” is what the world needs more of. That I could see men and women enjoying together.
I can’t even imagine getting wet just from seeing a pretty guy. There would have to be some attention and energy from him to me before I felt anything. Maybe that means I am a feminine energy person, maybe it just means I’m a dried up old hag…I prefer to beliieve the former.
I can’t really get int erotica with all the references to “tumescent manhood” and “heaving mounds” but erotic poetry really does it for me…that’s yet one more level of abstraction I suppose…talk about flowers and gardens and moonlight and passion. Especially erotic poetry written by men…there’s something so amazing in that. I have a notebook where I copied down several such poems and pretend they were written for me; I read it whenever I feel I need a shot of bliss.
Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 9:36pm
6: Cassandra
says:
Caj…I loved your post about getting back into your body. Interestingly, given all that I have been physically dealing with lately I have gotten away from that as well and need to get back to that. I am SO excited to hear that you have always wanted to sing! Personally, I believe that when I AM singing…when i am on a stage or in the studio and just able to do my thing….I am TOTALLY immersed in ME and what I am FEELING. If I can’t FEEL what I am singing than how can I move anyone else to feel anything and music is such a powerful tool that truly go directly to you heart and spirit. I think that it is the one time that I feel absolutely free to be ME and I feel safe there and wonderful.
There an excercise that I wanted to share with you that will help you not only in your singing but in getting in touch with your body…Rori….I hope this is ok that I share this here.
First, while you are standing up – shoulders relaxed and arms falling naturally at your sides….just breathe..in thru your nose and out thru your mouth. You can even count to five each way if that will help you. Notice if your chest is rising or expanding or if your tummy is extending and expanding…no right or wrong…just notice what your body is doing. Do this a few times so that you are totally in touch with how your breathing feels and where (chest or tummy) it is coming from. Now…lay down on the floor – on your back and do the very same thing. You will notice as you get into notcing how your body feels that as you were doing this standing up your chest was expending more but as you do this on the floor laying down you will see that your tummy will be expanding more and that you can take in alot more air. Think of a sleeping baby – they always breathe thru their tummies. When you breathe in thru your nose while laying on the floor expand your tummy as far as you can by taking in as much air as you can. One thing you can add to this excercise is…as you are laying down on the floor…as you breathe out gently let out an open sound such as an ‘AHHHHH’ or an OHHHH. If you also try this standing up you will notice the difference in the strength of your voice laying down as opposed to standing up…you will have alot more strenght laying down. The more often that you do this you will begin to FEEL this in your body and eventually be able to transfer that awareness to feel the same thing and breath ‘with your tummy’ even when you are standing up. This is one of the very first things that you would ever learn in a good voice lesson and it will help you alot. I hope this helps and i can’t wait to hear all about your singing!!
With love and hugs…
Cassandra
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 4:27am
7: Caj13
says:
Thank you so much Cassandra! I just tried it and it works! Fabulous (the Mozart on the radio was just too flippant to cry with rage, but I can try with something darker). And I’m sure this will help a lot of other Still-caught-in-their-throat Sirens, too. It’s lovely having you think about me, AND what about yourself? Get back ‘n Practice What You Preach, Angel-Voice ! XOXO
PS Reshi – How about Starting a ‘love café’ as a business proposition !!?? I’m sure there’s a market, and Rori could be your first guest speaker!
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 5:52am
8: Cassandra
says:
Caj..YAY!!! I am so glad that you tried it! If you are looking for a darker piece of music to listen to as you really feel your rage then try Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. You will love it! It is dark but has a kind of peaceful eeriness to it. Again..hope this helps.
Reshi – I think that Caj’s idea of a Love Cafe’ is an awesome idea!!! Go for it Goddess!!
With love and huge hugs….Cassandra
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 6:43am
9: Erika
says:
I’m with Reshi. Maybe we are in a minority among women, but porn has never bothered me at all. Why resist it? Watch it with him! Same goes for strip clubs (gasp).
Lol
Getting more mischievous all the time …
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 9:37am
10: Daria
says:
UGH… i called this guy who had not called me and I feel gross! He texted me back that he’s going to call me later but I feel scared I messed up my “vibe” which was doing really well…. YUCK… I feel Gross. And I love my gross feelings. Thank u feelings.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 12:37pm
11: tinque
says:
All of you ladies are so awesome. Here are some more melancholic pieces to listen to, anything by Sibelius, symphony #5 is a favorite as well as Valse Triste, Mahler #2 and #5, Gorecki #2. I have more if anyone is interested.
Now I have a question to pose to everyone. I too find images of bodies doing sexual, loving things to each other a turn on as well as some more edgy stuff, but what I like is couples and scenarios. Men like the women by themselves, alone, not so much the couple stuff. Doesn’t that make you feel insecure? Don’t you wonder if he finds them, the images, more attractive than you? Younger? Prettier? Something else-er? Don’t you wonder if he imagines himself with the women he sees? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad? Less than? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
tinque
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 1:57pm
12: alias girl
says:
tinque. thank you for your lovely presence and your evocative posts!
i personally would not have a huge problem unless the guy is a sex addict and is using the porn to medicate and check out of his life or treat depression or something. but then certainly in that case the porn is just a symptom.
as far as the women being hot. well it’s so fake in my eyes that i don’t feel that threatened. i feel threatened by women in real life that he may actually meet.
i don’t have big trigger issues with porn. i personally am not that attracted to it and interestingly i tend to attract men thaat really don’t go to it that often.
i am big on fantasies though. but that’s a whole other topic.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 2:49pm
13: Reshi
says:
Tinque brings up a good point. I think I would in fact feel threatened if my guy was looking at pictures of women alone, for all the reasons mentioned. I couldn’t blame him for getting turned on if he happened to see such images, but if he were to give them his focused attention in that way, to seek them out, I would actually consider that a deal-breaker–if I see it going on. Now if he’s discreet enough about it that I don’t know he’s doing it, then I don’t care. Everyone needs their private fantasies after all, and I have plenty of my own. But putting pictures of other women where I can see them–that feels like disregard and disrespect and at this point in my life I wouldn’t stand for it.
Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 5:05pm
14: Cassandra
says:
Tinque…I would absolutely have a problem with my man viewing porn. I guess I am pretty old fashioned that way but I also find that what is out there is so degrading to women and it seems quite abusive to me…as though the women are treated as an object rather than a human being…I am totally not into that at all. I personally would definitely have issues with feeling what you wrote above……”Doesn’t that make you feel insecure? Don’t you wonder if he finds them, the images, more attractive than you? Younger? Prettier? Something else-er? Don’t you wonder if he imagines himself with the women he sees? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad? Less than?” I would feel all of these things most definitely. When I have found out throughout our relationship that he had been on a christian dating site and then a site for people who intend to have an affair that was crushing enough for me and porn would make me feel the same way. perhaps it is my own weaknesses and/ or insecurities but I would NOT be ok with this at all. I am still reeling at times from the sites that I have found that he has visited since we have been together and after I moved here for him and even now I am not sure that I can ever forget that he was on them……. even still those may be a deal breaker for me…time will tell.
Love,
Cassandra
Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 5:55pm
15: Samat
says:
I think its not about more attractive or more anything, to me its like he finds them attractive anyway. Even if he didnt think they were more attractive I would still be bothered. I dont want to compare myself with another girl on that kind of thing because im way better and sexier lol. I just dont wana date a guy who would go into that sort of thing while he’s dating me, i mean why would he when hes dating me? lol but i guess thats just wishful thinking. I am looking for someone who can look past it and be only involved with me. I dont think ill ever find anyone like that but im still hoping. Ok i feel really bad now. I dont think its about insecurity and stuff, I think thats just a label to make it ok for guys to do it. I am not so insecure i guess but it still bothers me about the fact that my guy’s doing it.
Sunday, 21 December 2008 @ 4:37am
16: tinque
says:
It seems as though I’ve stirred up some strong feelings here. I appreciate everyone’s honesty.
I want to say first that most men look at this stuff, somewhere in the upper 90th percentile. I don’t want to say that’s it’s instinct, but it’s something like that, but I also want to stress, and I can’t stress this enough, it’s not as you think it is. Men’s responses do not work at all like ours. Images can be very real to us, not so men. Men have a way to compartmentalize we just don’t. When we look at an image, it’s almost as if we’re there. We can either imagine ourselves as this person, or we can imagine what it would be like to be this person. We can empathize almost completely. When men look at images, it’s almost not a person. That’s how detached an act it is for them. Men love to be stimulated, and the easiest, quickest way for them is through images. Women love to be stimulated too, but we seem to be able to achieve this more easily through our imaginations.
A good and well balanced man will look at images of naked women, but there is no, I repeat, NO connection. It is simply a tool to keep the juices flowing, for us, I repeat, for US. Especially as they get older, the added stimulation is not so much important as, well, enjoyed I suppose. Looking at images of naked females is a momentary boost of erotic energy which they keep with them to be endowed on US. A good, well balanced, loving man will rarely ejaculate to these images, and if the does, it’s really not such a big deal. Men do like to release stress in this way every now and then, by themselves, but again I say there is no connection to what they see. The images are just as quickly gone from their consciousnesses.
I realize this is hard for us to imagine, hard for us to accept, but it’s true.
Things to look for as being not so good habits: your man looks at porn more than you, neglects you or his life, his job, his hobbies; he’s secretive about it, hides it from you.
Reshi mentioned that she would rather not know, and I respect that, but sooner or later it will come up; you will find it, so I feel it’s better to know, share it if you can. I agree that putting it right in your face, looking at it while you’re in the other room or while you’re right there when you would rather he not is disrespectful and inconsiderate, but hiding it is a form of lying which is a form of cheating. You need to find what works for you to make you feel comfortable with it, find peace around it. I assure you most men do it and if they say they’re not, they’re probably lying.
This is a hard one for many women, as it’s been for me, but if you ever saw us, me and my guy, together, you would see how much he adores me and is so turned on by me, yet he still likes porn. Again I say that it’s used as tool of arousal to be bestowed on me. ME, later.
Monday, 22 December 2008 @ 12:08pm
17: Reshi
says:
I suppose I wouldn’t mind knowing he looks at porn. It’s turning AWAY from me and TOWARDS the porn that would be the deal-breaker.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008 @ 7:12pm
18: JP
says:
It all depends on my inner confidence.
In the olden days there were ‘nice’ girls and ‘not-nice’ girls. We all tried to be nice girls but felt threatened by the not-nice ones. What if one of our boyfriends ran off with one? What would that make us? (Nice, but not desirable – how humiliating).
And how sad that a false and limiting belief can cause so much insecurity, yet it’s such a prevalent cultural attitude in many parts of the world.
I like looking at pictures of sexy, undressed men. I don’t go looking extensively, but if I come across something (pardon the pun) I enjoy it
Men looking at porn is something I’ve always assumed is normal for them. I’m uncomfortable with anything heavy, though – I’m not into hardcore S&M, bondage or anything that isn’t to do with consenting adults.
A friend of mine went to a Burlesque workshop and found it fabulous for bringing out her Sexual Feminine. I feel good in my Sexual Feminine since experimenting with outfits, fantasies and taking care of my body.
Poetry lovers might like to read Grevel Lindop’s ‘Playing with Fire’. The sequence of poems around his visits to lapdancing bars created lots of controversy and I found myself a lone voice in admiring his vulnerability in exploring his sexual self in this way and sharing it with the public.
Saturday, 27 December 2008 @ 1:36am
19: Erika goes to Vegas? | Spiritual Seduction with Erika Awakening: says:
[...] http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/porn-and-your-man/porn-and-your-relationship/ [...]
Monday, 27 July 2009 @ 5:39pm
20: Radchik07
says:
I have so been enjoying the posts from Rori and have already learned so much that has changed my thinking process about relationships, men and sex and I realize that so much of what I have been taught has been damaging to my sexual self. I was so hung up on Porn that I got a divorce over it. But what my problem really was came out later, I had a horrible self image as a female, a total lack of confidence in myself as a sexual being and was incredibly shut down about all of that. Now I am using what I have learned about being comfortable with myself FIRST, in order to love and relate to others including men. I was hung up in my dad’s images of women. Now I have a great relationship with my exhusband that feels real and other men as well and it is working for me to date many people including myself first. Also I have been actively seeking out what makes me tick sexually and looking for each experience to be a learning one, ABOUT MYSELF. Life is so much more interesting now that I can go into each date, party or sexual experience with and open mind. I am 51 years old and having a blast, finally allowing myself to love and accept ME first, then others. I have found porn that I like and what I respond to both positive and negatively and seek out erotic stimuli that I like. It has made it so much better than shutting down around all of it like I did for so long.
Sunday, 23 August 2009 @ 5:20pm
21: Rori Raye
says:
Welcome, Radchik, and Yippee!! You sound wonderful….look forward to more of your comments about how you made this transformation happen for yourself…Love, Rori
Sunday, 23 August 2009 @ 6:48pm
22: tinque
says:
Radchiko7 – Thank you for reading this and responding in such a beautiful and eloquent way. I so applaud you in your ability to get beyond the pain of porn and learn to celebrate yourself no matter what your age. Though this is an old post I wrote as a guest writer for Rori, it still resonates with me. I still have baby melt downs around this subject every now and then, last night being one of them, so your comment has helped me, the “expert” of this topic.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for you.
xxoo tinque
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 6:06am
23: Radchik07
says:
aww, shucks! You all are doing really great stuff and helping women!!! Thanks for you too! A sexually and emotionally fulfilled woman is a happy woman and we can all do it, no matter what our age, shape or status. We are all juicy goddesses and Sirens!
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:00am
24: tinque
says:
Amen to juiciness!!! Yum…
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:04am
25: Radchik07
says:
Here’s a website exploring what is visually erotic for women that may interest you all;
http://community.livejournal.com/thefemalegaze. The women who run it have lauched a new magazine caleed Filament in Britain that challenges the idea that women don’t look at visual erotic images. Personally I think we have been taught its “bad” along with any female sexual expression. As Rumi says ” Out past the ideas of good and bad, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. “
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:20am
26: tinque
says:
Actually science has found that women become aroused via images more quickly than men. One of the big differences is that our arousal is not visible. Due to whatever circumstances, upbringing, religion, society, personal issues etc. we are often unaware of our arousal. Women also become aroused by a greater variety of images than do men meaning heterosexual men obviously become aroused by images of women who they find attractive whether it be a smile or a body part or the whole figure, clothed or unclothed. Homosexual men are aroused by other men for the same reasons. Women on the other hand become aroused by men and other women just as easily whether we be straight or otherwise meaning our sexuality is far more fluid. Studies have also shown that we also become aroused by viewing animals having sex. Men not so much if at all. It takes a deep awareness of ourselves to tap into this almost constant arousal. And thus our juiciness.
(Thank you for the site referral.) xxoo
Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 11:34am
27: just me
says:
Hi Tinque, thanks for your insight about this issue. Its actually quite a problem for me as a previous boyfriend stopped having sex with me and turned to watching porn. We went about 9 months with no sex and then i could only get him to have sex with me if we were watching porn. Obviously not a healthy relationship and it has left me scarred (i didn’t really have a problem with watching porn before this). My current boyfriend told me in the beginning he didn’t need to watch porn because he had me. well now we are about a year into the relationship and he has started watching porn on a regular basis and our sex life isn’t what it used to be. I’m worried about a repeat of the previous relationship and wanted him to stop. So he promised me he wouldn’t watch it and stopped. Then I caught him watching it again and was upset because he promised me and then did it anyway. He just doesn’t understand and I wish I could just get over it, but it hasn’t been so easy.
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 3:55am
28: Rori Raye
says:
Just me, Welcome, and Tinque is your girl. She coaches by phone, so email her (find her on her blog) — and we’ll talk more about it here. There is a HUGE difference between an issue that doesn’t affect your relationship negatively, and something that DOES. And as Tinque will tell you, sometimes you can change the category your situation falls in. It’s always worth a try…but then you must know when to say “enough.” Love, Rori
Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 7:58pm
29: tinque
says:
Hi just me,
I just wanted to let you know I saw your request for help around this what can be a VERY painful issue. I will write more later, but for now I suggest you explore my site. I’ve written A LOT about this and what I did to heal myself. Clicking on my name here will take you there. You can also contact me directly if that feels more comfortable to you.
I’m so glad you’re here.
xxoo
Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 7:27am
30: tinque
says:
just me – I want you to know I’ve been thinking about you but don’t know how best to help you in that I’m not sure what you are asking of me here.
I understand you fear a repeat of before, and that’s a very real fear. Asking for promises, as in this case asking your man to stop, doesn’t work. When someone feels restricted in any way, even if it’s something they don’t particularly want to do, the restriction acts as a lure. We all have rules imposed on us, such as the government, work, as well as our childhood demons. A man wants nothing more than to feel safe with his woman and to experience her as a freeing force, not a restrictive one. He gets more than enough of that already.
It seems as though he is increasingly turning to porn rather than be with you. Is it because he feels restricted by you? Is it stress? Something else? Have you asked to share it with him? Have you told him how you FEEL? For example, “I feel insecure when our sex life diminishes. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you. What do you think? Can you help me with this?”
Please let me know how else I can help you, just me.
xxoo
Thursday, 15 October 2009 @ 9:02am
31: Hypnotic
says:
Hi Tinque and Rori,
I find this to be a very,very important post.I realize that it is an older one,but I want to be able to bring life back to it….I feel curious as to the lack of comments,since as Tinque says 90% of men view porn….I feel shaky and anxious as I type,but will continue…I have followed for a while,but am now finding the courage to speak….
My main man…is into porn…We spoke about it openly from the beginning…I felt weird at first,but since he is so open I am feeling more comfortable with it….I admire your courage Tinque…I feel awed.
I am exploring my boundaries with this….There are things I know that I want to work through,and I tell MM about it..I want to be able to pose for him to take pictures….He said he would replace some of the pics he has with me….I want to very much but am feeling shy and weird about it.Yet he has seen every inch of me….go figure.
The porn on his computer is very limited…..
He has shown me!!!
MM says…”I am a guy,this is what guys do”,but my heart is with you”……I feel encouraged
I am curious about Fantasies…….
MM sometimes talks fantasy talk in bed!!!!
I am starting to enjoy it and have been engaging him….I feel quite turned on by it……..I feel surprised by that….We have made some of those fantasies come true….I feel all sultry porn star when that happens.I feel free and amazing in my sexuality.
My problem is that sometimes he will veer in a certain direction and I am completely turned off,and then a glorious sexual experience comes to a grinding halt…….I then feel disconnected from him…I feel embarrassed,and shameful…….MM is always very loving when this happens and just holds me……..I feel worried that He will want to make these Fantasies that scare the life out of me come true ,and then I am insecure,and I feel I am not enough and he will not want to remain sexually exclusive with me…..I want to turn this around…..I want to trust that they are only Fantasies,and talk…like MM says they are.He says he uses this as a turn on.I feel blocked here..I want to work through the fear,and be able to just let him talk.I know that some of my boundaries are to important to me to be pushed….We do have a glorious delicious sex life,but he still tends to go talking where he knows I will not….What do you think?
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 8:51am
32: tinque
says:
Hypnotic – I first want to applaud you in your courage to speak up. I know how hard it is at first. You can feel so alone in this.
Have you looked at my site? If you click on my name or picture, it will take you there. I have several more articles on this subject, more detailed which give more suggestions in dealing.
I also have an e-book which is only $20 that discusses not only porn, for this is not usually the only factor. It also talks about ways to boost your self-esteem, ways to feel better in all ways, about yourself as well, tools for opening your mind and your heart, and more.
I also give you my story or some of it.
Know this too that the more I opened my heart to all of this, the less K has been into looking at porn though this diminished looking didn’t come about right away. It evolved over time.
He used to feel he “needed” it to some extent, (though need is not the right word) because it had been such a habit for so long, but over time he has come to find that he really doesn’t. (He hasn’t told me this. It’s been an observation on my part.)
Now all that said, it sounds to me from what you say here that your man is very much into YOU, has no interest in straying. His fantasies and his talk are sometimes scaring you. Is it maybe in part because there’s more to YOU than you knew, more “out there” stuff that turns you on? Is there fear in this?
Or is really your man’s limits or at the moment seeming lack thereof that truly scare you?
You’ve been amazingly courageous in exploring what you have with him. And you have discovered parts of you that you didn’t know were there. That’s awesome.
Your man sounds sensitive to your boundaries. This is great. It’s a step by step thing for you. If he’s going beyond what you feel comfortable with at that moment, then you tell him so.
“I’m feeling uncomfortable with this. Can we try something else? can we go back to what we were doing?” “It would feel good to close my eyes and just feel what’s happening in my body, no sound.” Or something along those lines.
So now that I’ve tried to clarify some things for myself and for you, I’m not sure what you are asking me.
I would love it if you could check out more of what I’ve written and then see how you feel, what you think.
Please feel free to ask any more questions here, or you can e-mail me personally if that feels better. The address is on my site.
xxoo
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 9:27am
33: Hypnotic
says:
tinque,
I am feeling so grateful and happy inside right now!!!
Thank you so much for the applause and the time you have taken with your response to me.
Although you say that you are not sure what I was asking you……you have given me an answer…I feel soooo heard and excited to try something new.
Instead of disconnecting and recoiling I am going to try to give the feeling message you suggested…..
“It would feel good to just close my eyes and feel what is happening in my body right now,no sound”…….It’s brilliant…I have used I am feeling uncomfortable before and that I now see is what brings things to a halt….Light bulb!!!!!…..because then we both are uncomfortable….I know he wants me to be comfortable.
You have also given me some profound questions to ask myself..I want to explore that….On the surface I feel the fear comes from his lack of limits in the moment…I have just signed on to your website as I am now more in “awe” of you than ever.
Thankyou for the invitation to email you personally….I feel a connection to you and will probably do that……
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 11:16am
34: tinque
says:
Hypnotic – I’m so happy that I could help. It’s rare that I can’t get back to you very quickly if only to say when I will, so please, anytime…
xxoo
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 11:39am
35: Hypnotic
says:
Just one more little blurb I want to share…….cause I am on a roll here!
When I am in panic mode,and trying to get out feeling messages,MM always,always….in many different ways…some quite amusing actually…does his best to convey his love for me.
Here are the words he uses alot:
“Spit it out honey,remember you are talking to a man who loves and adores you”
Those words are etched in my brain!!!!
It makes me feel sad to think that maybe I,along with many others may have lost a great man’s love along the way because of a resistance to or misunderstanding of….. “PORN”…..It also makes me feel happy because it is also proof positive that feeling messages work……even if you have not mastered them yet.
Thanks again Tinque for the tip!!
Hugs back atchya….I will let you know how it works.
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 12:58pm
36: tinque
says:
That’s so beautiful. He sounds like a wonderful guy, sensitive.
“misunderstanding of….. “PORN”
This is the crux of it all. Men just don’t think as we do. Porn is such a detached act on their part whereas for us it usually isn’t. We can’t help but connect with it, the people we see portrayed. They just don’t.
Please let me know how things play out.
xxoo
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 @ 1:03pm
37: sensuousam
says:
I’m afraid that no matter how hard I try to bend my mind I cannot get it to wrap around the idea of accepting pornography in a relationship. I feel that all I can do is never be in a relationship again.
I am an aging women with birthing scars small saggy breasts due to breast feeding ,gray hairs and wrinkles,it hurts me profoundly that the man who I let into my body also needs the extra benefits and visual stimulation of naked women that in almost all cases are less than half my age with perfect bodies and always larger breasts than me.
Pasts boyfriends enjoyed teen porn in our home and the last boyfriend of 4 years begged me to get a breast job at his expense because he enjoyed porn stars with large breasts.I am crushed that once again women have to accept and succumb to mens sexual needs because its just the way they are and they see it differently to us.I have spent 6 years altogether in relationships with men that told me that I had better get over my problem with porn because all men are into it,my heart breaking every day of those 6 years and when they weren’t looking at porn any women or girl for that matter that had cleavage or looked like porn stars would be noticed their energy directed at them even when holding my hand .I must be out of touch because I cannot deal with it and I would like to know if their are actually any men out there who aren’t into porn.
Also how on earth is one to open up and move deeper into intimacy when their partner has been getting off on still and moving images of stunning naked women in the throws of pleasure.If my last two partners didn’t need porn I would have had no problem with being the open feeling feminine women moving into deeper levels of intimacy but I feel not one ounce of feminity or sacredness thanks to porn.
Sunday, 13 June 2010 @ 6:18am
38: Rori Raye
says:
sensuousam – Welcome, and I totally hear you, and YES there are men out there who aren’t into porn – and yet you are not meeting them, which tells me your own issues and insecurities are what needs work here – what you are resisting is showing up in your life to be healed. So – focus on healing – rather than hating the porn – you really need to embrace it – no matter how difficult it feels. And this is not for a MAN!! It’s for YOU! Tinque is your ticket here…go to http://www.sexandheart.com and email her, take a session with her if you can, and see if she can reframe things for you so that you can shift things for yourself. Love, Rori
Sunday, 13 June 2010 @ 11:39am
39: tinque
says:
sensuousam – everything Rori says here is absolutely true. there are definitely men out there not into porn, but also, and this is important, men love looking at women whether it’s women out in the streets or online. It’s part of their DNA, BUT a good man looks in order to soak in feminine energy, and there is no desire on their part. It’s a boost of energy to bring to the woman they love whether she has a “perfect” body or she is aging and dropping everywhere.
A good man will see the woman he loves and be turned on by her no matter what she looks like.
And any man who asks you to get a boob job is NOT a good man.
I would be happy to work with you on this.
xxoo
Monday, 14 June 2010 @ 8:36am
40: sensuousam
says:
Thank you for kind responses however I feel I may not be able to soften to porn let alone embrace it as I have been deeply traumatized by its appearance in my life and relationships over the past 7 years, not a day goes by when I don’t think about it or compare myself to those images because to me it was more like I was just the mastabatory object of release and those women were the ones that really did it for them and they would really prefer. I do get a bit of relief knowing that there are men out there who can live without it but for now I would like to ask a few questions.If pornography is so integral to a man because of their visual nature why not let it be so that it is part of a women’s nature to be hurt by it and do men really take their time to understand why it hurts us and decide to genuinely stop or are some women just not worth giving up porn for.If I had an all round wonderful boyfriend with a little porn habit that tore me apart even when I do understand completely their desire for it and decided to accept it because he is a guy, would a man give up his porn habit for me because my dislike of it is just a female thing and it does’nt matter because I am a good catch and worth it?? One party has to suppress their nature to accommodate the other for the relationship to work and it seems to me it will have to be the women,we have to withhold our pain for their simple pleasure and they get to have sex with us too??
I used to be proud of myself on all levels and never had hang ups about my body now I’m less than half the women and very angry and very safe as a single women, someday I will probably like a companion but I really ,really don’t want to bother with the issue of porn in another relationship again at my age and I wont so if I seem to be attracting these types of men what do I do to not attract them,I believe I could probably do something about my self esteem but is there something else I could be doing.
Also I know the difference between a man admiring a beautiful women and feeling her energy and a man invading her for his quick sexual fix and they are usually men into pornography or predators or both. I’m sorry for going on,its just my pain talking.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010 @ 5:47am
41: tinque
says:
sensousam – The answer to all your questions is yes. You are more likely to find this kind of man though if you can learn to keep yourself as open and accepting as possible. If you can come back to place of deep self love.
I fully understand how devastating this can be especially if you’ve never encountered it before.
From my experience, the more I came to love me, the closer I came to accepting K porn and all, the less he looked at it. He hasn’t been doing this for a long time actually, but this isn’t to say he may never again, BUT, and this is important, he won’t look to simply get his rocks off or because I’m not enough for him in some way. He will look because men love looking at naked women. And that’s it. He will always be very turned on by me. He will never want porn to interfere with our sexual life. He never has and never will.
Also as men get older, their libido drops, and this is simply extra stimulation they might want. They DO NOT bring these images to their lovemaking bed. They DO NOT desire these women secretly or otherwise. Good men that is.
A good man will always be turned on by you and you alone with or without porn,
And lastly thought there are certainly some men out there who enjoy porn and are predators or lascivious players, but they are way in the minority. Most men are good men, and all men enjoy looking at women. As long as it’s a quick, habitual glance born out of biology or an appreciative look, as long as he’s discrete, it’s a normal thing. If you go out with a man who openly drools, then it’s time to say, “next!”.
xxoo
Tuesday, 15 June 2010 @ 8:36am
42: jubilee
says:
When a man is into porn, he’s using all of his sexual energy,or a huge part of it (masterbating). A good sign is, if you’re married and he doesn’t want to have intercourse for a week. There’s NO WAY a woman is more aroused than a man, usually. A woman is multiorgasmic, a man is NOT especially after the age of 21; there is just so much energy in his sexual apparatus. Even men in their 60′s wants it at least once a week, it’s a sign of love for them also.
Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:03pm
43: jubilee
says:
The key is MARRIAGE!!….and when youre married, Please don’t turn your husband down—it’s like affection is to us—would you like your husband not hugging you? *gasp* Read Proverbs 5:18-19—does that sound religious to you? Yes! that’s the BIBLE!
Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:11pm
44: Odette
says:
Hi.I will be 45 in dec. met my 1st bf@14was with him for 30yrs. Moved in @24yr. Had two boys 8-11yr. He is a heavy drinker. Sex was awesome when I was younger but then as the years went by he never wanted kids. So I now @34yrs held that against him. so then he said kids or marraige …I chose kids thinking the marrage would come later. Never did. I my whole teen to adult never liked porn. I was livid when he would go to strip clubs. I couldn’t even make love in the light and never made a peep. I always gave him oral but felt very uncomfortable with him performing oral on me. He really wasnt’ good at it anyway. also the sex wasn’t good. I hated to have sex in the evening due to his drinking , it turned me off the smell the slurring. Going to bed i dreaded cuz he would sometimes get into these coughing fits. So we would have sex mabe once a week. Well I finally approached him in aug.2008 told him i didnt’ like it anymore and lost respect for him and didn’t like the kids to see him slurring, walking funny and sometimes falling over. Well he was getting very upset with me, telling me to shut up, each time i kept on he would say it agian and again until he lost it and swore shut the f*** up . So I did for 3 months..Ifeel very bad but I then took it upon myself swearing I was going to experience another man before I went to my grave with only being with him, not having a happy life anymore. so I slept with someone.then A very good friend who i had known his brother and mother since14 as a matter of fact I went on a date with his brother then met my man of 30yrs. so the younger brother chris always fixed my , our vehicles and either he would come here or I would go there . I would help him with getting tools and then getting him food or drink while working. We became such good friends that we would talk about our spouses because they were both drinkers and we werent. He then split with his girl. I was still with my man. He then hooks up with someone else , but would always call me during the day and talk for hours. I had an encounter with a phsyco women who was vandalizing my car and chris came to fix it. So as a token of my appreciation I told my man that I would like to pay him with taking him to a greek resturant. He said sure. So I went to chris’ house and he was wanting to show me his c.d player and when i looked at it, it had porn on it. Well I covered my eyes, said Idon’t care for that. So then he gets changed, calls me in his room, asking if what he was wearing was okay I said yes so then he now asks me to sit on his bed that he made , so I did then tried to get me to lay down , I didn’t …. so went for dinner and he drove and I think I was starting to like him in a different way. but still not really realising it. well anyways he brought his new woman and had a baby over , I really disliked her and couldn’t believe he was with someone like her. She right off the bat didnt’ like me cuz he took the baby out of her arms and into mine. This is now Sept 2009. didn’t see him again until nov because they had the baby taken away she was a drug abuser. So he came over and told me he was in an accident and that his sister has his daughter. i then told him about my problems and how it just isn’t better anymore, I love him but not in love with him. Well we became email friends and I confided in him about me not wanting to go to my grave experiencing one man. The man i thought was mr. right. Well chris had said i better be careful alot of crazies out there , he would gladly help me out. I laughed and said ya i bet u would. Then he started to tell me how he had always really like me alot all the way back to 1999. I had seen him now in a different light . It felt good to hear him talk tome like that. I told him ya right , i was heavy set back then. he said he didnt’ care it was my beautiful eyes.. then he said why do u think I always called u and we would talk for hours, I said i wondered why when my bf was always @ work. He said cuz he loved talking with me and loved the fact the when he worked on my car I was the only person that would ever stay outside and chat with him and help him.Well to make a long story short and sorry about it. but I finally went to his house so scared like it was my first time. I also have crohn’s disease so I am very self concious about my body, also never having another man see me naked. Also my bf was 5’8 very very thin. didn’t like it at all. Chris is 5’9 190lbs. so when i got to his house he was waiting in a tux I sat in a chair and couldn’t stop giggling all the time. till he finally kissed me . I hadn’t kissed since I can’t even remember. then he swept me off my feet and took me upstairs to his bed. well when he took his clothes off I freaked because he was so hairy I was so scared and being heavy as well. Well he went down on me orally and with his magic fingers made me scream like i never have and have an orgasm . that was another problem of mine not being able to orgasm. So then I gave him oral and he loved it so much that he came in my mouth and I had never swallowed with my bf not even once. He told me that it was unbeleivable and that he had never been able to orgasm in a womans mouth. so needless to say we had always gotten together for absolutely great sex anywhere and every where. I have now fallen in love with him its now march. well my bf finally talked and said we need to work things out or we have to call it quits. He said Ihad till the end of march. well i now really didn’t want him anymore. i was never good enough tomarry as well as even after I had my first son he didn’t have me as a benificiary, i had to get mad then he finally changed it. so now he forgot about the ultimatum . I kept on loving every minute with chris till august 5th 2009 and hecalled my phone at 2am saying to put him on the phone I denied it and then the next morning I told him I can’t do this anymore and can’t handle your drinking. so Aug 9 he moved out. I am now with Chris. Well now that i am with him i have grown to love porn as well as letting him film us and sex all the time was great. then he kinda started to not touch me too much while making love.then not having it every day but still quite a bit. well then xams comes along and boxing day i need to find a screw driver and he went to pick up his older son 19yrs. I by accident bumped his computer table, what do I see but his yahoo. email opened and alot of girls addresses on the yahoo messenger. so I looked and my heart broke….he was talking dirty saying what he wanted to do to them with his tongue . then telling a husband ya I’ll come f**** your wife for u to watch. Well Istarted to cry I called him and he said that it wasn’t him and he was trying to get down to the bottom of things. Well i was so destrought for days and then the day before new years i was on thecomputer with him and hesaid hewas goingto have a bath and then he left and I was still on the computer then all of a sudden he comes on line. well i now had made up a fakename and addresss got him to invite me on face book and he talkd about me andhow he loved me so much but how this happened and I don’t believe him. So anyways i start to chat with him and get dirty and he his surprised so after about 10min I showed myself online and he gets off line right away.so then the phone rings and he says did u eat. cuz i was so upset earlier. isaid i know you were on line, he said no. i’ve been in the bath and made the noise with the water anyways I said no you were and you were flirting with candice which is me….He said no I haven’t well go check your computer messenger. so he didand then all of a sudden when he said he turned it on he wasstillchatting with someone but it wsnt’ him His voice was so shocked about seeing that that I now startedto believe him . Well new years isbetter but now I am finding my self not trusting him and wanting to check his phone. and thenJan his hotmail. messenger was on put not online and the password was on there and so Iwas up in hisroom and lookedand low and behold there is a chat with a young girl wanting to hook up with her and had a red van but not his. ya mine. so he keeps denying itand says its nothim.someone has hacked his email. So I ask him to come on with me and look at his emails with me. he wouldn’t because said he would do it on his own time and when he wanted to.so months go by and he is working @ his uncles cleanning and was not seeing me very much and itwould be late andthen for an hour then leave. so one day I waited all day and when I called him at5pm his phone was off.so now I’m mad and leave and goshopping then his friend who has been comong onto me called me and said come over..so I did well he talked me into getting into thehot tub. he touched me abit but then I got out .Hefound out by gpsing my phone which led him to his friends address. well he now had disappeard over night. Ilocated him the next day he was still angry with me. andwanted to keep talking about it Iwan’t sex.so hegavein and then went home so after that the next day he was @ his uncles again and then disappeard for3 weeks. no call no text. nothing I was a wreck crying all the time staying in bed. then He texted me at work said he was tired of travling and misses me and was going to come over sunday morn @2am. so I had a shower and dressed up for him and waited nothing… hefinally come home on the following weekend. He saidhewas very hurt that Idid that I said I didn’t do anything and got out not even10min later feeling uncomfortable. Well I then said you didn’t see me take off on you with the emails. I would say that is worse but he didn’t cuz itwasn’t in person..Isaid doesn’tmatter thatis cyber sex and dtalking like that with women isjust as bad ifnot worse. he said they aren’t me .I said some of the words do sound like u. Your never gonna believeme …so anyways Ifinally got the girls email and also phone num. and called her and confronted her and shesaid shedid meet up with someone in a van but he was very scarey . so she described him and itwas his friend who is very good with computers and he admitted it was with him. fine but what about the others and then again in may of 2010 I got ahold of his phone and there is a textmessage saying he ison his way back passingthrough Miranda and if she wanted to suck the purple monster. Again he says its not him. cuz the phone is actually his friends which the name still comes up. Now my problem is I’m consumed with spying on him . I did long time ago when got into his email. forwarded the girls that was chatting with and even craiglists that he answered. well hestill denies it. and I’m still diggingandsending these girls emails saying Im his sister and he is missing.well nothhing since april has been on his computer he showed meone day. butbecause some of those were dont when i was with him I just want him to come clean and then Ican move on cuz i can’t leave him i love him too much and right now he isin jail forsomething hedidn’tdo cuz i was with him. and I keep bringing itup andhe swears I’mthe girl of his dreams dreams helied aobut one girl that I called at her work andshe said that he did spendthernightbutwas a perfect gentlman and they were just friends. I confronted him about her and said Iknow u didn’t doanythig cuz she really is n’t very pretty. but now the other ones admit it. he say they are not him. well I have always had a problem with negativity and self concous about myslelf . He wants me and the boys to live with him and he also said he want s me to have his baby and even marry me. Ilove himsomuch but when hegets out I’m going to have tohave a long talk aboutchat sites. I’m okay with porn cuz he got me used to it and we use it to get ideas. But thiscyber sex really pisses me off. I havebeen gettingyour rori ray onlineforsome timebut can’tafford to get the c.d.s or book. I’m always broke now. so can u help me deal with this. I got through toanothe girl and said the same i’m his sister…well she said shemet him online and exchanged some emails. so I tried toget her tosend them to me. well she said why and that itseems too weird more like sounding likea upset wife or girlfriend whoi has caught her man wanting to make out. I just hate what I’ve become sneaking around and stealing his phone . one night i snuck outof bed and went on his computer and then later he woke up and started to yell for me and told me to stop it. How do I go backto the happiest woman alive again and stop the snooping….thankyou for being patient with my story…. queenshabing
Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 3:45am
45: ocean
says:
I was sort of on the fence about porn, or rather, just hadn’t given it much thought at all until this year when the man I was sleeping with revealed his porn addiction to me (I’m one of those people who just never knew it was so prevalent until recently). It was a call for help, and he chose to tell me partly because I’ve gone through a serious addiction myself and am now sober 4 years. He is literally desperate to quit, and says it’s ruined his life, health, and self-esteem. He is suicidal over it because no matter how he tries, he hasn’t been able to quit.
Anyway, since then I’ve done some investigating into porn addiction, as well as the social issues it calls up. I’ve been helping him to understand the nature of addictions and he has kept me posted about his journey. It’s very very tough, no easier than an alcohol or heroin addiction. But other than the addiction issues I’ve also, in the process, come across a lot of information about porn, different view points, and found what I consider to be the truth about porn on a feminist blog by a hilarious and incredibly bright writer. This experience has let me come into my own truth about my feelings toward porn and porn use. This woman put my heart into words. I’m not going to summarize it here but if you’re interested check out her porn series – http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/
To say the least it’s incredibly enlightening, and has brought me to a place of peace about it terms of defining my own views. I won’t tolerate porn in my relationship, or home. I stand against it because it hurts people – men, women, and children. The porn of today is not pretty, or sexy, or a turn on to me at all. It’s repulsive, and ironically has little to do with sex. I’m more interested in exploring sexuality differently, and without degradation or dehumanization of women. Every part of me finds that offensive: mind, body, heart and soul. Sex is the most beautiful, most amazing thing in the world to me, but I see none of that reflected in contemporary porn.
I understand that some women may feel fine having it in their relationships, and I may have been too at one time, but after I educated myself about the realities, I was like, no way. This is a huge issue we all face these days, for ourselves and our children, I think it’s really important that we all be aware of the implications of porn before we allow it into our homes. I’m not one to tell anyone else what to do, I just feel it’s so vital that we be informed, before deciding whether or not we choose be a party to it.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010 @ 5:33am
46: tinque
says:
Ocean – Though I understand perfectly what you are saying here, and in many cases this is all true, not all porn is degrading for either the men or the women. There is some that is sensuous and erotic. I agree that the vast bulk of it is for want of a better word, gross, but not all, and it can be a fun and nice thing to share.
I also want to empathize with your man’s addiction. Like any addiction, it’s rough, a hard road.
Watching porn is not synonymous with addiction though. You or anyone can look at it even as much as on a daily basis and still not have an addiction.
I understand your choice not to have it around you at all, but you may be hard pressed to find a man who does not like to look from time to time.
I hope you can find one.
xxoo
Wednesday, 1 September 2010 @ 7:27am
47: dorothea
says:
Since this thread popped up in recent comments, I thought I would chime in with my 2 cents about porn.
Once I accidentally found pictures on my man’s harddrive of him with other women. 2 of them. at once. I guess I would have saved those photos too. haha. it made me feel f*cking awful because i recognized one of the women in the photos…she made my coffee every morning at the bakery. oh lordy
He and I talked it through and I am now over it. For real. It wasn’t at all easy and it nearly ended our relationship. But now I am not feeling triggered talking about it. Mostly amused.
A couple of weeks ago I saw some porn site pop up in the address bar of my man’s computer when we were typing something in. I felt curious and insecure so I did some investigating into the site. The girls were not like me at all. I felt awful again. Like, I am not what he wants…so he looks at these girls instead.
Wrong.
I never brought it up to him, and I talked to my girl about it and she was like “all this indicates is that he has good taste in porn.” She is right. The fact that he watches porn does not mean that I am not good enough.
Now here’s the thing…I watch porn too. Maybe even more than he does. Maybe just as much. We haven’t really talked much about it. But I probably hide my porn fetish as much as he hides his. But the fact that I watch porn does not mean that he is not good enough.
I’m not sure I would feel comfortable sharing this fetish with him as part of our sex life. I don’t think our sex life needs anything else to enhance it anyway. Maybe when we live together we will find some lovely way to enjoy it together. Possibilities are, of course, endless.
I feel a twinge of insecurity when I see evidence of his porn or masturbation, but I think I probably watch porn and masturbate as much or more than he does. So this is one battle I will not pick.
Afterall, I might not be a “young teen” petite and hairless, but he chooses me with zeal. He gets aroused just being around me, and loves me dearly. What more could I ask for to feel sexy? He chooses me.
My ex, on the other hand, was into porn in a way that hurt our relationship. He was losing interest in me sexually, and talked frequently about getting me to start a porn site of my own. He wanted us to watch it together. I was not cool with this. I felt pressured and not good enough.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010 @ 8:03am
48: tinque
says:
Yes dorothea, yes. As long as you as a woman are not being neglected, then this is a habit or maybe just a pastime. It is NOT a reflection on you at all.
If ever you were taking second place to the porn, then yes this would be a problem, otherwise, it’s just something most men and many women do.
xxoo
Wednesday, 1 September 2010 @ 8:28am