Comments on: Porn And Your Relationship

By: tinque

tinque — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:02:33 +0000

just me – I want you to know I’ve been thinking about you but don’t know how best to help you in that I’m not sure what you are asking of me here.
I understand you fear a repeat of before, and that’s a very real fear. Asking for promises, as in this case asking your man to stop, doesn’t work. When someone feels restricted in any way, even if it’s something they don’t particularly want to do, the restriction acts as a lure. We all have rules imposed on us, such as the government, work, as well as our childhood demons. A man wants nothing more than to feel safe with his woman and to experience her as a freeing force, not a restrictive one. He gets more than enough of that already.
It seems as though he is increasingly turning to porn rather than be with you. Is it because he feels restricted by you? Is it stress? Something else? Have you asked to share it with him? Have you told him how you FEEL? For example, “I feel insecure when our sex life diminishes. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you. What do you think? Can you help me with this?”
Please let me know how else I can help you, just me.
xxoo

By: tinque

tinque — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:27:00 +0000

Hi just me,
I just wanted to let you know I saw your request for help around this what can be a VERY painful issue. I will write more later, but for now I suggest you explore my site. I’ve written A LOT about this and what I did to heal myself. Clicking on my name here will take you there. You can also contact me directly if that feels more comfortable to you.
I’m so glad you’re here.
xxoo

By: Rori Raye

Rori Raye — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:58:59 +0000

Just me, Welcome, and Tinque is your girl. She coaches by phone, so email her (find her on her blog) — and we’ll talk more about it here. There is a HUGE difference between an issue that doesn’t affect your relationship negatively, and something that DOES. And as Tinque will tell you, sometimes you can change the category your situation falls in. It’s always worth a try…but then you must know when to say “enough.” Love, Rori

By: just me

just me — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:55:57 +0000

Hi Tinque, thanks for your insight about this issue. Its actually quite a problem for me as a previous boyfriend stopped having sex with me and turned to watching porn. We went about 9 months with no sex and then i could only get him to have sex with me if we were watching porn. Obviously not a healthy relationship and it has left me scarred (i didn’t really have a problem with watching porn before this). My current boyfriend told me in the beginning he didn’t need to watch porn because he had me. well now we are about a year into the relationship and he has started watching porn on a regular basis and our sex life isn’t what it used to be. I’m worried about a repeat of the previous relationship and wanted him to stop. So he promised me he wouldn’t watch it and stopped. Then I caught him watching it again and was upset because he promised me and then did it anyway. He just doesn’t understand and I wish I could just get over it, but it hasn’t been so easy.

By: tinque

tinque — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:34:57 +0000

Actually science has found that women become aroused via images more quickly than men. One of the big differences is that our arousal is not visible. Due to whatever circumstances, upbringing, religion, society, personal issues etc. we are often unaware of our arousal. Women also become aroused by a greater variety of images than do men meaning heterosexual men obviously become aroused by images of women who they find attractive whether it be a smile or a body part or the whole figure, clothed or unclothed. Homosexual men are aroused by other men for the same reasons. Women on the other hand become aroused by men and other women just as easily whether we be straight or otherwise meaning our sexuality is far more fluid. Studies have also shown that we also become aroused by viewing animals having sex. Men not so much if at all. It takes a deep awareness of ourselves to tap into this almost constant arousal. And thus our juiciness.
(Thank you for the site referral.) xxoo

By: Radchik07

Radchik07 — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:20:14 +0000

Here’s a website exploring what is visually erotic for women that may interest you all;
http://community.livejournal.com/thefemalegaze. The women who run it have lauched a new magazine caleed Filament in Britain that challenges the idea that women don’t look at visual erotic images. Personally I think we have been taught its “bad” along with any female sexual expression. As Rumi says ” Out past the ideas of good and bad, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. “

By: tinque

tinque — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:04:25 +0000

Amen to juiciness!!! Yum…

By: Radchik07

Radchik07 — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:00:59 +0000

aww, shucks! You all are doing really great stuff and helping women!!! Thanks for you too! A sexually and emotionally fulfilled woman is a happy woman and we can all do it, no matter what our age, shape or status. We are all juicy goddesses and Sirens!

By: tinque

tinque — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:06:42 +0000

Radchiko7 – Thank you for reading this and responding in such a beautiful and eloquent way. I so applaud you in your ability to get beyond the pain of porn and learn to celebrate yourself no matter what your age. Though this is an old post I wrote as a guest writer for Rori, it still resonates with me. I still have baby melt downs around this subject every now and then, last night being one of them, so your comment has helped me, the “expert” of this topic.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for you.
xxoo tinque

By: Rori Raye

Rori Raye — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 01:48:54 +0000

Welcome, Radchik, and Yippee!! You sound wonderful….look forward to more of your comments about how you made this transformation happen for yourself…Love, Rori