Here’s a letter from Maria – and it’s all about ending up clinging to a man and how to stop doing that:
The man I am entangled with is a very unique, magnetic and complicated fellow. He is amazing and wonderful in so many ways, but when he shuts down there is no tool that gets through.
I have recently moved in with him because I couldn’t afford my own place. For the past year he has been helping me through a lot of financial and legal stuff. He’s a “helper.” Our relationship has been on/off throughout that time. In the past when he needed his space I had my apartment to go to. Now I am in his room, his house. He clearly wants his space and I don’t know how to go back to myself in this situation.
I try not to nag him about the relationship, but it has clearly taken a turn for the worse. He has been sleeping in the other room for the past 3 nights. He didn’t even say goodbye this morning before going to work. I ask him if he wants me to move out. He says “no.” I ask him if he’s trying to push me away, he says “no.” Yet his actions tell me he doesn’t want to be with me. Some examples…yesterday he said he was going to the grocery store. It takes 20 minutes max to go get a few things. He didn’t come back for 2 hours. He went to the brewery instead.
He didn’t text or anything. When he gets home he puts all his attention on his ipad and cuts off any opening for communication. If I do say something he gives a brief and cold response.
I know that he is at times emotionally unavailable, but when he does open up and we connect it is great. Unfortunately this isn’t happening anymore. I haven’t done anything “wrong.” But I am feeling like a charity case and not like a girlfriend. I try to connect emotionally, but it keeps backfiring on me regardless of the language I use. It is peaceful in the home. We don’t yell or argue.
But it is also difficult to find myself and my own happiness again in this situation. I want more than anything to break through his guarded heart and reach him. I want to have a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with him. There is so much more to share about our dynamic.
I do see that he is a bit of a narcissist. We are both very attractive people (not to toot my own horn), but if he’s not demonstrating jealousy he is demonstrating how much he believes he’s “hot”. It seems that there is only enough room for one person to shine in his world.
Maria – As long as you’re living with him because you can’t take care of yourself financially – you’ll never feel strong enough to shift your “vibe” – please, please focus ALL your energy on bringing in some money so you can regain your confidence.
Spend as much time as you can away from the house doing things that feel important to you – walking, reading, studying, going to classes, trying to get work.
Set up an office or space for yourself somewhere in the house, and stay THERE or get out of the house entirely when he’s creating space for himself.
Stop trying to talk to him – and instead just smile and be available physically, sexually, as a great listener.
I’m not asking you to ignore him – I’m asking you to focus on YOURSELF and becoming more independent.
Even if you have to take a menial part-time job – do it.