Sex is such an important thing – not because it’s so crucial to be having sex for sex’s sake (though it makes us healthier in so many ways…) but because it’s such a serious barometer for the health and intimacy level of a relationship.
It says so much about the physical and emotional status of each of you.
It demonstrates hormones – testosterone and estrogen.
And hormones say a lot about who you are in so many ways.
Here’s a letter that’s a good jump off about sex in a relationship:
“Rori, I went through the same situation with my husband and it was indeed a big red flag when a man rarely initiated sex. And my husband for the longest time trivialized the issue as if I made sex such a big deal over everything else. He was (and sometimes is) still in denial how important sex is in a marriage.
Long story short, we broke up because I was so unfulfilled and resentful so I strayed (let’s just put it that way at this point).
We’re in a reconnecting phase these days and sex has been frequent and wonderful (once a week/10 days for 5 mins when we were married, 2-3 times a week for at least 30 mins these days). And he wanted and initiated it all the time. I sometimes wonder it is because I am “no longer” his wife so sex is more exciting (we haven’t lived back together and have yet to spend the night together since we broke up last year).
At any rate, I’m happy about our sex life. He’s now more responsive about pleasing me too, something he never cared before. I’ve been doing what basically needs to be done to be attractive again to your man (always dress femininely, be gracious and showing appreciation of things he does and that makes me happy, etc.)
I wonder what you think about sex during reconciliation. We’re not officially back together (he’s still resisting) but I know he can’t afford to lose me. At times I feel things don’t go as fast as I wish it did (I know…I know guys are slow). I do believe though that our sexual relationship is working to bond us closer but at the same time the golden rule out there is a man will less likely to commit as long as he gets sex with no string attached (though I know he’s not seeing anyone else).
Under opposite circumstances (if he was the one who was more sexual than me) I would have perhaps acted differently. But sex was the main thing I complained about during our marriage and now I have it turned full circle, so it’s a bit crazy if I’m complaining about that now (it just shows women really are never happy lol). thank you, Karen”
Here’s my answer:
I have so much to say here…and I think this applies no matter WHAT your situation. If your man is not sexually interested (once a week, as you describe is quite OFTEN for a man who isn’t much interested…), or if you’re dating a man where the sex is good but the commitment is fuzzy.
Let’s start with the centerpiece of this situation – he wasn’t interested in having sex with you – and now he is.
I’m assuming nothing’s changed physically – he’s not all of a sudden using Viagra or stopped watching porn, or started watching porn just before he sees you?
The only thing that’s changed then, is YOU.
And how have YOU changed?
A lot of different ways:
1. You’re not there all the time.
2. You’re not a sure thing.
3. You’ve demonstrated that you’re just fine without him.
4. You’ve demonstrated that you can take care of yourself physically and emotionally
5. You’ve demonstrated that you’re willing to be without him in order to have the love and relationship and fulfilling sex life you want and deserve.
6. You’ve demonstrated that you don’t NEED him, and that you’re not desperate to have him.
7. You’re “gracious” and “appreciative” – new things.
So now – he has absolutely no requirement of intimacy in order to have sex with you. There are no strings. He feels free. His body is responding again.
Only – what would happen if you got married again?
Would he all of a sudden feel pressured – by his internal workings – or by you – in a way that would interrupt his sexual response again?
Would he again start to withdraw sexually because that’s the easy way for him to do that?
(Opting out sexually is likely the number one way men AND women act out anger – and it’s the first thing that goes when intimacy winds down.)
If you’re lucky enough to have a man who just wants sex no matter what – this may not happen to you – or, he may cheat, instead.
The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY. That means you have to feel safe. You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open. You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.
Continuing in next post:..Part 2 on the 14th…