Here’s a letter from Jill about intimacy:
My name is Jill, and a friend recommended writing you with my very sensitive problem. She’s told me of you books and seminars on relationships, and how to fix them.
My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. A few weeks ago, I was trying to be intimate, and he refused. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was incredibly resentful of me and the children, and didn’t know if he loved me anymore. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt. I knew he preferred more “bedroom time” then he was getting, but after a good talk we had back in March, I believed we were getting better. Hence the shock of hearing him considering leaving.
He said he has resentment toward me for not giving him what he needs in the bedroom unless we were trying to get pregnant. I apologized, and promised to do better, but he hasn’t allowed any intimacy for a month. I miss him, and don’t know what to try.
He also told me just last Friday that it’s hard to be with me sometimes. That he’s so resentful towards me that it hurts for him to be around me, emotionally and physically. I was crushed, so Saturday and Sunday I went down to my parents’ with the kids to just decompress. He called me a total of 8 times in those two days. I never called him. Could that mean he missed me? I feel so confused with his differing actions and words, but helpless at the same time, knowing I’ve done everything I can to right the situation, and I’m waiting on him to decide if he can forgive me and let go of the resentment.
I’m working on being happy myself, hoping he’ll want to stay with me. But I can’t help wondering what else I can go–I figure if I’ve caused all the resentment, I can do something to fix it.
I appreciate any advice you can give me. My friend speaks highly of you, and I’m at a loss of the next step. Thank you, Jill”
Jill, Here are some thought I have around this:
He’s angry. Just as he said. And it’s built up so much he can no longer feel anything else when he sees you.
You’re willingness now to work on the problem is actually making him MORE angry – before, he was focused on trying to GET sex and fix the problem – now that you’ve warmed up (I’m not sure how “better” was looking for you…), he’s experiencing the deeper reasons for the lack of intimacy in the first place.
Basically – you need to allow his anger to surface and let him scream at you and see exactly WHAT he’s mad at.
Likely, he’s mad at himself for letting his own needs go by the wayside.
And he’s mad at you for EVERYTHING else, and for being the only one he can blame for it all.
Also – There may be another woman. Perhaps not an actual affair – but a woman he likes somewhere.
For you, talk to Dominique – http://www.sexandheart.com - she’ll help you loosen yourself up and find out why you’ve been so closed down (if that’s true) around sex all these years…it can’t be good for you, either.