We’re always shocked by this move of withdrawing sex – but many, many men do it this way…
Rori, I’m 23 years old, I have been living with my 25 year old boyfriend for the past 8 months. For the first 3-4 months we were having sex 2-3 times a week – what I thought was a normal “healthy” number. I am crazy for him and even in the beginning I always wanted more, naturally the fact that he makes me feel 100x better than any man I have ever been with in my life contributes to me wanting to have sex more then 2-3 times a week, but I understand that has not a machine and has his own emotions/feelings/ thoughts/moods so I have always made an effort not to press for sex or try to coax him into it.
So 8 months, a lay-off, a move and a knee injury later I find myself on a forum desperate for any advice I can get after a long night of crying as quietly as I can without waking him up. For the past 5 months we have been having sex 1-2 times per month. I feel like EVERY time we have had sex in the past four months I have just bluntly initiated and in most cases sort of “forced” it to happen.
This behavior is totally out of my character because I struggle with low self esteem and in the past have NEVER had sex with a boyfriend unless they clearly wanted it bad…to be honest in the past 4 months the only time we have had sex it was purely based on me being desperate and him feeling guilty. Just typing that out makes my insides twist up.
I have tried everything I can think of to get him interested again..I’ll do anything he wants to do as long as we both come out of it alive and we are not going to get arrested over it then I am game all day long and he knows this. Sometimes I will get into bed naked and he will come into bed put his arm over me and fall asleep without ever even feeling under the blankets to know I am naked laying there screaming inside my head for him to just touch me…
I have tried a more direct approach – just straight out telling him how badly I want him, usually ending the same way as the naked in bed approach.
I have hinted joked commented and even tried to trick him into having sex by tickling him and “accidentally” fondling his general area so that he gets an erection – even that has failed on multiple occasions. Needless to say all of these efforts have ended with me feeling so horribly rejected, unattractive, unloved, unwanted and just downright ugly and disgusting – all while my seemingly clueless boyfriend sleeps blissfully inches away from me.
To add more “heavy” to my head he has also been out of work for basically our entire relationship, resulting in me having to get a second job. In truth every hot meal, shower, scrap of clean clothes warm dry bed, every beer, cigarette and every rent payment he has had in the past 7 months has been worked for and provided by me.
Not to mention we both smoke copious amounts of pot (also paid for by me). He has been putting in the effort to find a job but it is very difficult particularly now with it being winter (he is a seasonal worker) .
In any case I find myself EVERY day seriously questioning whether he even loves me or ever did…maybe this is just an easy ride for him and he doesn’t even care enough to muster up the effort to have sex or make it seem sincere anymore. How can I work 11 hours a day at two jobs and still want him more then he wants me every day?
I don’t care about the stuff or money or time and effort that I have put in..if all that stuff was just scammed out of me then fine – fuck it…I am just scared to my core that he doesn’t love me, and that we truly have no future together.. that would be what really breaks me.
What can I do? How can a man have a full on erection and be alone with the woman that he supposedly loves naked in bed and not want to have crazy sex? If it was an issue of erectile distinction then I would be 100% supportive and understanding – but it isn’t. How can a man have a full on erection and turn over to go to sleep? How does that even happen????
I ask myself if maybe its me maybe I am not satisfying him…then I think back to my past boyfriends who asked for sex/oral sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I know that I try harder with him then I have with any x as far as putting in the effort to satisfy him sexually particularly with oral sex and still he turns me down. I am constantly thinking about sex I daydream about it I try to pleasure myself but it falls so short of how he makes me feel. Even if I use toys its still no good. I end up more turned on and sexually frustrated then when I started. I am so built up that even giving him oral sex would be some release… but even if I try to initiate giving him oral sex he usually turns me down, and I know for a fact that I am at least good at it.
I think at this point I am going to do my best to stop initiating sex all together..if we go one day over a month without sex then I am leaving him – does that sound cold or unfair? Please let me know…I can’t live like this, but I also know that I can’t live with regretting throwing this relationship away. Please help! I love him more then I have or ever thought I could love anyone. I would get married to him today if he asked me to even if it meant that I never had sex again for the rest of my life as long as I knew he loved me.
A soon-to-be broken heart.
Broken Heart, Here’s my thinking on this:
This idea that you “love him” and have to “have him” is all in YOUR head – and I’d ask you to look at it differently.
In the simplest terms – things always are what they are.
They can’t be fixed until they’re accepted.
Meaning – being with a person who’s deliberately – yes, deliberately and knowingly – withholding the basics of relationship: sex – is not good for you.
You have low self-esteem because you’re determined to get what you want from HIM – and, of course, he’s not giving it.
Your best move here is to tell him to MOVE OUT!!
To STOP supporting him!
Put HIM in the friend zone!
Get yourself together, write a speech, and simply say that this isn’t working for you as a romance and a relationship, and you’d like to stay friends with him, of course, but that you need him to leave so you can start dating other men.
Then you DO that! Start dating other men and leave him in the dust.
He’s opting out of this relationship.
Do NOT buy into his game.
If it were me, I’d tell him I assume he’s gay, or no longer attracted to me, and that that might work as a friendship later on, but for now, it feels too awful, and I just want a clean break and some space.
Then I’d cry and move on – AND have my own money!!!!!