When There’s No More Sex…Be Done With Him

10-6 love yourselfHere’s a horror story from “Soon-To-Be-Broken-Heart” – and it’s actually something that men do all the time when they don’t want to be in a relationship or can’t be.

We’re always shocked by this move of withdrawing sex – but many, many men do it this way…

Rori, I’m 23 years old, I have been living with my 25 year old boyfriend for the past 8 months. For the first 3-4 months we were having sex 2-3 times a week – what I thought was a normal “healthy” number. I am crazy for him and even in the beginning I always wanted more, naturally the fact that he makes me feel 100x better than any man I have ever been with in my life contributes to me wanting to have sex more then 2-3 times a week, but I understand that has not a machine and has his own emotions/feelings/ thoughts/moods so I have always made an effort not to press for sex or try to coax him into it.

So 8 months, a lay-off, a move and a knee injury later I find myself on a forum desperate for any advice I can get after a long night of crying as quietly as I can without waking him up. For the past 5 months we have been having sex 1-2 times per month. I feel like EVERY time we have had sex in the past four months I have just bluntly initiated and in most cases sort of “forced” it to happen.

This behavior is totally out of my character because I struggle with low self esteem and in the past have NEVER had sex with a boyfriend unless they clearly wanted it bad…to be honest in the past 4 months the only time we have had sex it was purely based on me being desperate and him feeling guilty. Just typing that out makes my insides twist up.

I have tried everything I can think of to get him interested again..I’ll do anything he wants to do as long as we both come out of it alive and we are not going to get arrested over it then I am game all day long and he knows this. Sometimes I will get into bed naked and he will come into bed put his arm over me and fall asleep without ever even feeling under the blankets to know I am naked laying there screaming inside my head for him to just touch me…

I have tried a more direct approach – just straight out telling him how badly I want him, usually ending the same way as the naked in bed approach.

I have hinted joked commented and even tried to trick him into having sex by tickling him and “accidentally” fondling his general area so that he gets an erection – even that has failed on multiple occasions. Needless to say all of these efforts have ended with me feeling so horribly rejected, unattractive, unloved, unwanted and just downright ugly and disgusting – all while my seemingly clueless boyfriend sleeps blissfully inches away from me.

To add more “heavy” to my head he has also been out of work for basically our entire relationship, resulting in me having to get a second job. In truth every hot meal, shower, scrap of clean clothes warm dry bed, every beer, cigarette and every rent payment he has had in the past 7 months has been worked for and provided by me.

Not to mention we both smoke copious amounts of pot (also paid for by me). He has been putting in the effort to find a job but it is very difficult particularly now with it being winter (he is a seasonal worker) .

In any case I find myself EVERY day seriously questioning whether he even loves me or ever did…maybe this is just an easy ride for him and he doesn’t even care enough to muster up the effort to have sex or make it seem sincere anymore. How can I work 11 hours a day at two jobs and still want him more then he wants me every day?

I don’t care about the stuff or money or time and effort that I have put in..if all that stuff was just scammed out of me then fine – fuck it…I am just scared to my core that he doesn’t love me, and that we truly have no future together.. that would be what really breaks me.

What can I do? How can a man have a full on erection and be alone with the woman that he supposedly loves naked in bed and not want to have crazy sex? If it was an issue of erectile distinction then I would be 100% supportive and understanding – but it isn’t. How can a man have a full on erection and turn over to go to sleep? How does that even happen????

I ask myself if maybe its me maybe I am not satisfying him…then I think back to my past boyfriends who asked for sex/oral sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I know that I try harder with him then I have with any x as far as putting in the effort to satisfy him sexually particularly with oral sex and still he turns me down. I am constantly thinking about sex I daydream about it I try to pleasure myself but it falls so short of how he makes me feel. Even if I use toys its still no good. I end up more turned on and sexually frustrated then when I started. I am so built up that even giving him oral sex would be some release… but even if I try to initiate giving him oral sex he usually turns me down, and I know for a fact that I am at least good at it.

I think at this point I am going to do my best to stop initiating sex all together..if we go one day over a month without sex then I am leaving him – does that sound cold or unfair? Please let me know…I can’t live like this, but I also know that I can’t live with regretting throwing this relationship away. Please help! I love him more then I have or ever thought I could love anyone. I would get married to him today if he asked me to even if it meant that I never had sex again for the rest of my life as long as I knew he loved me.

Sincerely,
A soon-to-be broken heart.

My Answer:

Broken Heart, Here’s my thinking on this:

This idea that you “love him” and have to “have him” is all in YOUR head – and I’d ask you to look at it differently.

In the simplest terms – things always are what they are.

They can’t be fixed until they’re accepted.

Meaning – being with a person who’s deliberately – yes, deliberately and knowingly – withholding the basics of relationship: sex – is not good for you.

You have low self-esteem because you’re determined to get what you want from HIM – and, of course, he’s not giving it.

Your best move here is to tell him to MOVE OUT!!

To STOP supporting him!

Put HIM in the friend zone!

Get yourself together, write a speech, and simply say that this isn’t working for you as a romance and a relationship, and you’d like to stay friends with him, of course, but that you need him to leave so you can start dating other men.

Straight out.

Then you DO that! Start dating other men and leave him in the dust.

He’s opting out of this relationship.

Do NOT buy into his game.

If it were me, I’d tell him I assume he’s gay, or no longer attracted to me, and that that might work as a friendship later on, but for now, it feels too awful, and I just want a clean break and some space.

Then I’d cry and move on – AND have my own money!!!!!

Love, Rori

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1,020 Comments to “When There’s No More Sex…Be Done With Him”

  1. 1: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    We here about gay men getting married and not coming out until later.

    How does this happen? How does a gay men have sex with a woman?

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:29am

  2. 2: lillyNo Gravatar says:

    i’m feeling broken. i had been seeing a man for about a month and last night we had “the talk.” he said he wasn’t ready to settle down in the next 2-3 years which was something i had said to him in our previous date.

    he is 30 and i’m 36 and i’m feeling like it wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but that he didn’t want to with me… i don’t know? i didn’t sleep with him so i’m feeling happy about that but i wonder if did i send him non-verbal messages that i wasn’t a quality woman?

    i do struggle with my self esteem and in the past have been known to give more of myself to a relationship or man in order to win his love. with this guy i was different! i’m proud of myself for staying true. i did spend some of the evening with him and did make-out with him but made it clear that it was “just fun” and that it would be our last time and then he could find someone else to have “fun” with. he didn’t want to believe that we wouldn’t see each other again and i mentioned it to him several times that this would be our last time together.

    i’m feeling broken, did i do the right thing? what if we had dated for a few years and then he was in love with me? i know he was attracted to me but i didn’t trigger the commitment- well he wanted to date me exclusively but couldn’t see himself married in the next 2-3 years… is that about me or his life? please help!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:58am

  3. 3: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    lilly – if he calls again (and he just might) – can you consider Circular Dating him and also dating other men? The problem here after only 1 month isn’t what he said or didn’t say about 2-3 years (that’s kind of standard for a man at his and your age…) it’s about the exclusivity, and how crazy and insecure that would make ANY woman feel in this situation. Read the ebook at least, and you’ll understand how this works. Love, Rori

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 10:13am

  4. 4: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes from the previous post – your words are right on as per usual…..I missed your voice on here!! :)

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 11:11am

  5. 5: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    hear not here. doh!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 11:16am

  6. 6: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Wow this situation feels so sad and desperate.

    ((((((Her))))))
    Hope she had the strength to break up with dude.

    I feel so annoyed, angry and pissed the **** off when I see a woman totally supporting a man who does NOTHING for her, nothing for the relationship…. like WHY

    I am seeing this EXACT situation first hand before my eyes right now….and before that saw it with a former friend…. it frustrates me, i wanna shake those women and say “STOP STOP STOP”

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 11:31am

  7. 7: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon

    I am also terribly triggered by a woman supporting a man financially. I’m not talking about for brief periods when she already has the relationship she wants and it’s a temporary thing, but where she is not getting her needs met and it is a permanent and ongoing thing where she gives him all her money!

    It makes me terribly cross!

    Sorry, just in my belief system, this is basic, basic stuff. It is triggering to me to read about this poor woman working two jobs 11 hours a day, and this man watching her go off to work each day.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:02pm

  8. 8: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. Rori’s advice in the article triggered an EMK moment for me. StraighT up, no BS.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:11pm

  9. 9: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    if anyone has any feedback on what I wrote on the previous thread, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:11pm

  10. 10: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    From previous Thread:

    @632: Dominique

    Iamhis – 629 – “no man that I actually want wants ME enough”

    And how do you know this? What IS enough? What does this mean? What does it look like?

    How do I know this? I don’t know. I feel like a man wanted me enough, he would step up and claim me.

    What IS enough?

    I don’t know. A series of dates? a request to be exclusive? Showing every girl that flirts with him that it’s completely pointless because he wants ME?

    How would he show that? I don’t know. Walking away from them? Showing her that I’m the one he wants, not her?

    What does this mean? It means…it means…it means he wants me enough to make me HIS officially and publicly.

    He shouts it from the rooftops! He buys me a ring! He picks me up and drops me off in our home! Even if it is just a humble apartment, I’d be happy. :)

    What does it it look like?

    It looks like “Back off girls, I am TAKEN! THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE IS THE ONE I WANT, THE ONLY ONE I WANT!!!!”

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:24pm

  11. 11: lillyNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for the help…he asked for us to be exclusive on the previous date, that’s what threw me off? it was like he wanted to be with me for the time being it seemed but ultimately he couldn’t promise a marriage in 2-3 years. i totally understood that too, i mean how could he and i determine that when we are still getting to know each other? but again is it timing?

    if he approaches me again i will let him know that i will see him but that it won’t be exclusive and will i will circular date. or should i txt him and let him know that? neither of us are playing games which feels good.

    it all felt so weird, even as he walked me to my car he initiated us holding hands… :(

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:24pm

  12. 12: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really bad for the girl in this post. :(

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:24pm

  13. 13: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    maybe he’s starting to do this already, and I’m just not seeing/ or appreciating it.

    He always says my name when another girl is flirting with him.

    That’s kind of a big deal, right?

    wow, that’s really sweet now that I think about it…

    “Hey, hot girl, you’re hot and everything, but this girl is on my mind, and so I’m saying her name, so she knows it and you know it and I know it…”

    awwwww.

    How do I show him how much I appreciate him?

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:27pm

  14. 14: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I’m gonna catch up in a minute IamHis and offer anything I can. Writting a looong email right now and it’s feeling good!

    Side note: It’s NOT to M. :)

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:37pm

  15. 15: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like so much of my interaction with Jack CD is him doing and saying really nice, wonderful things to me, me not seeing, misinterpreting, and messing up, and then me trying to fix what I messed up…

    *big sigh*

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:43pm

  16. 16: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “If it were me, I’d tell him I assume he’s gay, or no longer attracted to me, and that that might work as a friendship later on, but for now, it feels too awful, and I just want a clean break and some space.”

    Me too…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:44pm

  17. 17: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so worried because the last time I saw him he just left without saying goodbye. that makes me feel worried and like something’s wrong…:(

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:44pm

  18. 18: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: 8 – I’m curious…how so?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:46pm

  19. 19: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: :-) Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 12:49pm

  20. 20: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis – 10 – Okay, so you do know what this means and what it looks like, yet can shouting from the rooftops look very different than actually shouting from the rooftops, eg. how he looks at you, treats you, is with you?

    Can a ring look like something else for awhile, eg. I have no examples.

    I didn’t get a ring for six, seven years, and it was not meant as an engagement ring. Yet I got SO much from this man, far more than any ring could represent.

    You may have not met your “the one” yet, and is this so awful? Many women don’t until much older, myself included.

    And in retrospect, I feel good that life had me wait.

    xxoo

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:06pm

  21. 21: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis – You show him by saying thank you, by melting in the moment, by smiling, and FEELING how good you feel. He will feel this in you.

    xxoo

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:08pm

  22. 22: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Dominique. I struggle with showing gratitude, because I feel so darn scared and insecure sometimes.

    “You show him by saying thank you, by melting in the moment, by smiling, and FEELING how good you feel. He will feel this in you.”

    I kind of did this over the weekend, I think.

    Sometimes I say thank you, but struggle with feeling it. Sometimes I feel all those good feelings, but forget to say thank you.

    Oh well. Live and learn, I guess. :)

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:12pm

  23. 23: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis: You said this: ” Showing every girl that flirts with him that it’s completely pointless because he wants ME?

    How would he show that? I don’t know. Walking away from them? Showing her that I’m the one he wants, not her?

    What does this mean? It means…it means…it means he wants me enough to make me HIS officially and publicly.”

    AND then you said this:

    ““Hey, hot girl, you’re hot and everything, but this girl is on my mind, and so I’m saying her name, so she knows it and you know it and I know it…””

    And then all you have to do is saying something like: “You are so awesome!” With a huge smile on your face and looking right into his eyes.

    He might say “why do you say that?” and you can respond with “you make me feel so special”.

    He’ll love that and he’ll feel appreciated and strong and manly and all that. He will know that he made you happy and it wasn’t even something you were asking for.

    But it’s kind of key not to continue to let that stuff go unnoticed or he’ll feel like you didn’t notice. :-)

    Practice paying attention. The best way is maybe to practice journaling about it. Every night after you’ve seen him, think of all the amazing things he did/said that you didn’t really notice in the moment. This will help you start being alert to them, you will notice them more quickly and, in my opinion, you will begin to melt right there in front of him…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:24pm

  24. 24: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes:

    Ok, that was a long one. Lets see if I can respond on each point. I feel like I may also not have been clear on some things before in the post you were responding to. (I feel like this is therapy and I’m LOVING it so can I just through a huge thank you in here real quick!)

    I definitly have security issues so to answer would this be enough for me? That’s a hard thing to answer. If I knew this was just how he was and it had nothing to actually do with us and his feelings for me were the same then yeah I could deal with 2 weeks of space. It also has to do with my insecurity of wondering if I’m welcome where he is. Like once before we were texting a little and then it stopped so later I was unsure of our dinner plans so I swung by his house. His mom was visiting and still there so she told me he was at the bar shooting pool. I went there and when I said something about not knowing what was going on he said “you knew where I was” I was so confused cause I had no idea where he was. He looks at me and says “if I don’t answer a call or text you know I’m shooting pool” then he finished up and we went to dinner. That was one of my favorite nights, I did my thing all day then watched him play pool for a little, then we had a great dinner out and went to his house watched our show and fell asleep together. The next morning we woke up, he showered while I was in bed and then I kissed him good bye and went home and he to work. I loved this! That’s what I want all the time. He did his thing and I did mine, and when I went to pick him up his friends asked him to stay and play cards and he said no, he choose me.

    I don’t need his attention 24/7, but I need to know his feelings haven’t changed. Or I guess I don’t need to I just want to know. How did you express to J how much it bothered you that he would say one thing and do another? With out pushing him away?

    Here is where I may have not been clear. I am scared to use the love word and I don’t let myself think about it. Thats not saying I don’t L word M…. I may be falling in love with M but I’m not prepared to think that deep. A huge part of me feeling what I’m feeling now may just be that I am falling in love and am soooo scared the exact opposite is happening with M.

    Tiny tid bit on M….he dated his high school sweetheart for 11 yrs! Proposed and was told no and that she was actually sleeping with someone else. After that he had another long term gf for 4 years. Not sure how that one ended. But I do know two things about M, well 3…first he’s a relationship guy, second he has been hurt soooo bad (he’s said it so many times to me and also when drunk a few times repeated for me to please not hurt him) and third…he fell for me hard in the beginning. When we had our one break up his friend that I spoke to told me that he warned M to take things slow w me and he didn’t listen, he fell hard and that was why he ws soooo messed up over or short break up. Since we have been back together is when the distance has started. Off and on…

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:38pm

  25. 25: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @23 Mercedes – Thank you! That felt super helpful. :)

    The more I type about him, think about him, the more I realize how special he is. :)

    Don’t want to think about him too much, though.
    Have to keep my own fabulous life going full throttle!

    :D

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:45pm

  26. 26: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: “How did you express to J how much it bothered you that he would say one thing and do another? With out pushing him away?” – I didn’t. He couldn’t be pushed away because he was meant to be with me. What I said was (in response to him saying he would call me and after a couple of weeks of not really doing that most of the time when he said he would) was “Really? Will you? Because that doesn’t seem to be what’s been going on lately and quite honestly, it’s rude to leave me hanging like that. If you’re not going to call, I’d much rather you not say you will.” Or something to that affect. It was pretty heavy with sarcasm and frustration (I was annoyed and didn’t care if he knew it. He was being rude and I wanted to call him out on it…I think I might have even laughed a little when he said it…). It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t goddess like and it probably wasn’t something I “should have” done but I did, he called and I never brought it up again. I think J is the kind of guy who likes when I call him out on stuff I don’t like but I also think he really, really appreciates the fact that I never bring it up again. When he called that night, I was genuinely happy to hear from him and we had a fun talk. I didn’t mention it at all and neither did he. We communicate and then let things go. I love that about us.

    PS: Yeah…that other comment was long. I kept typing and typing and typing whatever I was thinking and after I posted it, I thought “wow! oops…” :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 1:59pm

  27. 27: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis: “Don’t want to think about him too much, though.
    Have to keep my own fabulous life going full throttle!”

    YUP!!! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:00pm

  28. 28: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    I have to admit I’m confused a bit. How you responded to him is exactly how I would do it…THAT is me to a T. But I’ve been getting that is not what I should do. lol, as you did state. Uggg I don’t know. Damned if I do Damned if I don’t.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:33pm

  29. 29: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Dominique,

    I emailed you….it was really long. Don’t know if you will acually be able to read it or respond. I’m concidering posting it on here….not sure. There is a lot that I would and do judge myself over in it but it felt good typing out my entire story, not just M and my story….plus it’s really loooong…..

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:35pm

  30. 30: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Everyone….would that be a bad idea? What I was saying above to Dominique? I’m nervous….

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:35pm

  31. 31: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: I don’t think it was something I should have done and I wouldn’t do it again that way if faced with it again (unless maybe if it was a long pattern but certainly not if it only happened a couple of times). I could have easily pushed him away with that kind of “drama” – although it wasn’t a lot of drama, it was more to the point but still…I wasn’t exactly inspiring him to feel closer to me. To call when he said he would call, yes, that was true. But to feel open and safe and close to me? Not so much. Those feelings came much, much later. At the point when I said all that, he was pulling away, we were long distance (over 1,000 miles apart) and the only contact I had with him for 2-3 months at a time was over the phone. I needed those calls. There was a much better way for me to say it than getting sarcastic and telling him it was rude.

    But that’s all hindsight. I didn’t know Rori or this blog at the time and I didn’t know a lot of other things.

    Now…if it was a regular thing and a guy was doing that several times per week/month? Yup. I’d say it just like that and not care at all if I pushed him away. I’m not really interested in being with a man who isn’t true to his word and I doubt I would hesitate to tell him.

    So…I guess what I’m saying is that the way I said it (which is the way you would say it) can make a guy call when he says (or stop saying he will call…) but if what you really want is a man to feel closer to you and to feel safe with you then I would do this:

    1. If it’s not a pattern and has only happened a couple of times, try to let it go. Lots of reasons why a man doesn’t call once in a while.

    2. If it feels like it is becoming a pattern then next time he says it, say something like “Lately when you say that, I haven’t been getting the call and it makes me feel XXXXX.” Or whatever. Something that says “It doesn’t feel good when you do this.”

    3. If it IS a pattern, have at it. Say whatever you want. He’ll either start calling when he says he will or stop calling completely but who wants to be with a man who doesn’t do what he says he will?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:48pm

  32. 32: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And you can pretty much feel safe posting anything here (no matter how long or how far back in your life it takes us with you) but privately, Dominique is a fantastic coach too. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 2:52pm

  33. 33: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    lilly – wait until he calls you again. Read the ebook, write your speech & be ready. But for now, texting is just going to feel like pursuing to him now. It’s time to lean back. *hugs*

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:07pm

  34. 34: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I’d like to know if your advice still applies if the couple are married to one another? I’ve seen many situations where it seems the husband has completely gone off the wife sexually & the wife is frustrated. All her attempts are rebuffed.
    TIA

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:08pm

  35. 35: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    “If it feels like it is becoming a pattern then next time he says it, say something like “Lately when you say that, I haven’t been getting the call and it makes me feel XXXXX.” Or whatever. Something that says “It doesn’t feel good when you do this.”

    3. If it IS a pattern, have at it. Say whatever you want. He’ll either start calling when he says he will or stop calling completely but who wants to be with a man who doesn’t do what he says he will?”

    I love that advise. Straight to the point without attacking. Not always easy to do in the moment.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:17pm

  36. 36: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    One thing however what I have notices is sometimes men will say ” call you later” So it is very open ended.
    As what does later mean? Later that day, tonight? Tomorrow, next week?

    I remember asking once what does later mean as to me I don’t actually now it is ambiguous and a certain man looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

    Any thoughts?

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:21pm

  37. 37: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    know not now

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:22pm

  38. 38: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    It would feel good to hear what advice would be given Libelua in those circumstances. I am guessing the answer would be to CD.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:25pm

  39. 39: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “LOL i’m not worried about that, and thanks for the warning.” Hi ladies how are u? I have not been on here for quite some time writing cause I have been so busy with some horrible deadlines. I was reading the blog last night however catching up with the two threads before this. I am actually quoting from Elsie who was commenting on the man who told a fellow poster(don’t remember who that is) that she mustnt fall in love with him. I cracked up when I read Elsie’s comments and feel compelled to join that debate although it is from a previous thread. Trust me if any man was to tell me that I mustnt fall in love with him, I would immediately think he is not interested. I told one of my sisters about this. In fact, I asked her the question-if a man told u that u mustnt fall in love with him, what would u think? She immediately said that she would believe that he is not interested. I share the same view. I haven’t even read the the above thread yet. Will do so shortly.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 4:26pm

  40. 40: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    nme – I will tell you that with my guy he was going through a really rough month – and when I say rough – I mean roughest of his LIFE. Ever. Horrible.

    And at the end of that month, after there had been no connection or dates or anything. …. I said to him, this…..

    “I’m feeling disconnected. Quality time is my love language and when I dont get that I start to feel distant and detatched. It feels icky to me to chase you and I dont want to row the boat in this realtionship. I know you have had a hard month, and I just need to know where you are at so I can know what I need to do. Can you help me with this?”

    It was all about ME. What *I* needed. I didnt get angry. I truly and honestly wasnt MAD. And he knew I wasnt. He could tell. I was just saying that I felt disconnected and I would like his help to find a solution to it – and if he didnt he KNEW I WOULD TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER….HE KNEW I WOULD.

    So I had no expectations.

    That was last Monday. As most of you know – this last week has been the best week of my entire relationship. Full of honesty and connection. There has been an emotional intimacy that has far surpassed anything I have ever known.

    And its because I was honest with my feelings in a way that had NO EXPECTATIONS. It was REALLY OK whatever he answered I just needed to know.

    I know that pulled him right to me. He saw no drama. He saw that I just needed what I needed from him, and he realized that he had been distant and wanted to provide it for me. Now, he is a GREAT guy….BUT VERY VERY VERY EMOTIONALLY NOT THE GREATEST LOL LOL…..

    He is ISTP if you know what that is – introverted and not emotional at all….so if this works with HIM, it will work with a cyborg robot. :) LOL. I promise.

    Anyway – the point is that it worked because I really meant it – I wasnt saying it as a script to try to GET HIM to say something, etc. It took a LONG TIME for that to “click” for me if that makes sense.

    And trust me, if he had rejected me, I would have been heartbroken, but I would have known that Idid the right thing by discussing my needs in a non-dramatic way.

    Again, this last week, and especially our date yesterday was unbelievable.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 5:16pm

  41. 41: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sitting here, and my negative voice is like, “If he really cared about you so much, why hasn’t he done anything official after all this time? Why does it feel like right when things should be getting more serious, does it feel like he puts things right back at square one?”

    He left without saying goodbye.

    It’s a technique. It’s called The Walk Away, and it “gets her thinking about you” and it’s what you do when you feel like you’re losing power in the relationship.

    He wasn’t happy with me, so he walked away.

    I don’t know what he wants me to do!

    I smiled shyly.

    I don’t know what else to do. It didn’t feel right to go over to him. I felt too nervous and wouldn’t have had any idea what to do/say anyway.

    maybe it would have meant something if I had just said nothing.

    beating myself up now…:(

    “You may have not met your “the one” yet, and is this so awful? Many women don’t until much older, myself included.”

    It’s hard to wait when you want someone physically and are saving yourself…

    that’s what I will continue to do…

    I keep thinking that he is thinking the exact same thing that I am thinking:

    if SHE really cared about me so much, why hasn’t she said anything official after all this time?

    and the thing is, I almost did…

    but it just never feels right…

    I feel sad.

    and stuck.

    and really worried.

    My heart got torn to shreds last time I “didn’t speak my feelings.”

    Is this really the right thing to do?
    I don’t know what “the right thing” to do is.

    I feel jealous of girls who have a guy who does the work for them.

    I feel like I’m in masculine energy, and it’s exhausting.

    I just want to BE.

    I feel scared and teary…

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 5:33pm

  42. 42: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t been on here for a while because I feel too embarrassed.

    My man and I became very close over a two month period (after two years of on and off). He was clean, we saw each other almost every day and were planning for our future. We wanted to buy a house together at the end of the year, so were doing some financial planning. I agreed to take out a $7000 loan for him (because I own my own house), and he is paying me back by direct debit of $100 per week. But since then he has gone back to drugs and I am left heartbroken. I have since told him I can have nothing more to do with him but am now struggling with the feeling of being used, hurt and most of all feeling like an idiot because even though he is currently paying it back, I am left with a substantial debt for nothing.

    I have been doing a lot of reading about codependency and I believe this has sure been my big problem in life. I am as addicted to him as he is to his drugs. Only difference is I want to get better. Not sure how though.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 5:43pm

  43. 43: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @IamHis – I am sorry you are feeling so crummy. (((hugs))) All I can say is you can speak your feelings to him but if you do – you cant have an agenda and you ahve to be willing to hear no for an answer.

    @Scarlet ((HUGE HUGS)) Please dont feel bad. We all learn lessons in life!!!! I’m sorry yours was an expensive one – but mine was too – if it makes you feel better you are not alone at all. You wanting to get better is the biggest and hardest step. I was totally codependent too – have you heard of the book – Codependent no more?

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 5:50pm

  44. 44: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Elsie. I am keen to read anything about how I can overcome this codependency. So if you can tell me who the author is, I will try to get hold of it.
    Thank you for your support.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:12pm

  45. 45: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    FiestaCD texted me, “My passion for you grows more every day.”
    I responded, “We’ve only spent 10 minutes together at the grocery store, I feel exasperated and turned off.”

    Went to cook dinner, come back to a voicemail about how he’s not crazy, he really wants to be with me and spend time with me and he’s really not crazy and if he has feelings he’s going to express them, he’s just that kind of person. Something about when you’ve been married as long as he has (note: he’s been divorced since 2007) then something something about something. And he’s NOT CRAZY.

    *sigh*
    **giggling**

    No sense of boundaries and disconnected from reality. No thanks.
    No point in talking to him. Ever.
    That song by Poe keeps going through my head,
    “You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being.” :D

    Thank you, universe, for making me laugh and snort tonight!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:14pm

  46. 46: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlet my humble opinion is that you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Ask yourself what is it about you that would make you overlook this about this man and hand over your hard earned cash to him? Don’t beat yourself up just take a good long look at yourself. Spend time looking on the inside of you. If you can find your answers, when this situation presents itself again you will be well equipped to respond in the best of your own interests.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:25pm

  47. 47: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Scarlet – I”m not sure – but just type that in to amazon and you will find it – good luck – codependency is really hard – trust me I know because it was (and sometimes still is…) me!!!

    @BeLoved – you crack me up!!!! Thats hysterical. He is total drama. Now we know what men feel like when women go all nutty and start planning a wedding 10 minutes into meeting someone LOL…..I”m glad you are seeing his kookiness!!!!! and laughing!!!!!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:25pm

  48. 48: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlett.
    You can go on a course for co -dependency and go on twelve step programe.

    A bit like AA twelve step programe for Alcoholics

    Where are you based?

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:40pm

  49. 49: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Elsie – I just found it. It’s Melody Beattie.

    FW – I think I already know the answer to why I would overlook such characteristics of a man to hand over my hard earned money. I think that whilst I am being useful to someone I love, he won’t leave me. I think that the only reason someone would want me or love me is if I am doing something for them. It’s not enough to just be me. I know this thinking is flawed but I have spent a lifetime thinking it. My emotionally/mentally ill mother was always on the verge of ‘hating’ me and I thought I had to keep doing things to make her happy so she would love me. I guess that’s where it all comes from. I just don’t know how to stop behaving on those flawed beliefs. Hopefully more reading on the matter will help.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:43pm

  50. 50: k2012No Gravatar says:

    EXELLENNNNNNT!!!! Excellent addvice there Rori! Good! Good! Withholding sex, not working for most of the relationship! A coworker of mine would say and a term which I have adopted in my dialect-”No sah.” No way. That cannot work. He is living off u my dear and using you. Rori is right. Tell him to move out. What a man out of order eh ladies! Bright! (A slang in my country. Really hope u follow the advice given my dear. Does anyone know what happen to Lori? Haven’t seen her for a long time. I believe on the last three threads. Lori, if you are reading this, hope you are okay. I haven’t even read the responses yet. I have work waiting on me. Lol. Oh my goodness. U all must be wondering what kind of work I do eh, which never ends. The good news is that I get a break on Wednesday for a week and half and I will lose it to do a lot of personal stuff mixed with work as I have another deadline when I report to work after Easter. I have to make time for myself. I haven’t been to the park in 2 weeks, but the good thing is that since I will be off for a while, I don’t have to wait until friday to go there.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:44pm

  51. 51: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlet I believe the place to start would be to just to stop whatever you normally do. Just stop yourself and do nothing.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 6:57pm

  52. 52: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Ok…..so I’ve decided I want to share my story. Not sure who will take the time to read it, its very long lol…and this is MY story, not mine and M’s. I hope I don’t get judged but it feels good to share and put it out there….

    I was raised in a very strict Christian home. Went to a Christian school k-12. So needless to say my parents didn’t really have a sex talk w me, it was “no sex till marriage” that was it. I had lots of boyfriends but never had sex. I’m not saying I wish I would have…but I am saying I was very inexperienced.

    I was married for 11 years, got married when I was 18. When I was married for 7 years I had an affair, something I never thought I would do and am very ashamed of. My husband found out and begged me to stay and work on our marriage. So I did, out of guilt. We had two kids together and I was the one that stepped out on us. The cowards way. Through all the couseling we grew closer and although I wasn’t as happy as I wanted to be it was better. Or so I thought. As we were still in the fixing stage my youngest sister was killed. So all our energy was on just holding it together. Then I got pregnant. I was shocked, it wasn’t what I wanted at all, it took me probably half of my pregnancy to deal with it. Then when the baby was 1 1/2 he left. Uggg. I felt him pulling away and kept trying to fix it and it didn’t work. When he left it crushed me but at the same time relieved me. I wanted out. 6 months before he left he said he was thinking of leaving, I asked him to stay and try and he did, I found out during this time that him and my best friend were talking and texting EVERY DAY starting early morning and going on all day. So in the end not only did I lose my husband I lost my best friend.

    Moving on…..my husband was the only man I ever had sex with till my affair. And once I had my affair I realised how lacking our sex life was. So needless to say after JD (my ex husband) left and a month later was introducing his “new” girlfriend to our kids I wet and did some sexual exploring and had fun. I wanted no relationship and just wanted to experiment. I had a LOT of sex. You know what? I don’t feel guilty about it either, maybe I should? I selpt with a lot of men. I found out what I liked about sex and didn’t.

    Last summer I met JW on an online dating site. He was the FIRST guy that I wanted to see again after the first date. We had so much in common, he was separated from his wife the same amount of time as JD and I were separated. He had full custody of his two kids and after a month he introduced us. I spent every other weekend with him when my kids were with their father. He took me to AC for the weekend once. We always had fun. But if I’m honest he was draining, he was always moving and going….never relaxing. He always paid and was a gentelman. Unlike what I was doing for the last year being single I didn’t sleep with him right away, I liked him. I waited a month of dating, we were exclusive. But he had lots of insecurities and eventually he just got distant and fell off. He literally just unfriended me on FB and that is when I text him and was like “what’s going on???” and he said he thought I got the hint since he was distant, and that he just couldn’t do this anymore….I was crushed. What did I do? It was great then just wasn’t. It lasted just under 4 months.

    Insert more casual dates and sex, at this point I had 2 guys that I would be with and it was understood it was just sex nothing more with us, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone I was just going on casual dates with.

    Here is where it kinda starts with Mike. In Sept my girlfriend and her daughter moved in, we were both struggling finacially and needed eachother’s help. We both didn’t have our kids on Wed nights so decided this would be our girls night. We bar hopped for a couple of weeks and finally found a place we liked (she likes dives, I hated them, this was a happy middle for us) so we decided it was our wed night place. Well the first night there one of the bartenders, R, was flirting with me and walked us out at the end of the night, I ended up giving him my number. We talked for about a week and then …. I slept with him. I KNEW it was a mistake, he changed right after. Or so I thought. So I kept it casual, I would still go on wed nights and he would chat with me and text me. We went out on a date once but he didn’t even kiss me. I was casually dating other guys still and just thought he and I fell into just being friends. So imagine my surprise when he texts me one day and tells me he thinks things aren’t working with us and he’s moving on. WHAT???? I didn’t know we were an “us” at all.It was awkward but it ended up being ok.

    Well a month later I’m out having my “divorce party”. This is the night I met M, I never talked to him before. My attention was always on R when I was there. M flirted with me all night and then I left. No numer exchange or anything. Well the next week on wednesday he was there again. I will admit I was drinking a lot this night since I wasn’t driving. Well M walked me out and I ended up making out with him….and it continued, to his car….to my house. We seriously did not sleep, we got to my house at 3am and he left at 8:30am. We were together all night just kissing, and sex and a million other things. At this point I didn’t even know if it was a one night stand or anything else. But as he was leaving he asked for my number and text me as soon as he was at work. He asked when he could see me again but I had my kids that weekend so that day was the only other day and I was working till 10pm, he came over after….

    Day 3 with him we hit our first bump. I had no idea M and R were friends. R was there the night I left with M and made eye contact with me…he said “don’t not do something on my behalf” so I didn’t think anything of it. Was really weird cause on day 3 I was saying to my sister that since they both play pool at that bar I felt like I should tell M about R just incase it came out in the future. Well someone beat me to it….apparently R and M had a mutual friend, D, that thought M should know I slept with R and told him. M text me right after he found out while out at happy hour asking if I slept with R….he was upset….he felt dumb….but he ended up coming over that night and talking about it with me and decided that what little we created with eachother in two short days was worth getting past this bump.

    After that M came over every night I didn’t have my kids. We went out every weekend. Even nights I had my kids he would come over after they went to bed and bring pizza and wine and we would cuddle and watch tv. I knew I could fall for this guy and hard. He was funny, sensitive….he adored me. Would tell me how lucky he was and how beautiful I was. We had sex alllll the time and it was amazing! We spent New Years Eve and day together and after he kissed me at midnight he spun me around and said he thought his New Years was off to a great start.

    Then a few days later we were at the bar on a wednesday night….it was another bar tenders bday (D, the one that told M about R) and he asked some of us to stay after the bar closed to hang and celebrate his bday. There was only 5 of us that stayed, I wasn’t drinking much that night since I was driving M and I home. Well the birthday guy (50′s, married) was showing us his gifts and we were all doing a toast for him then I went to give him a kiss on the cheek and say happy bday…well he grabbed my face and planted a kiss right on my lips. I was SHOCKED!!!! And as soon as I got my wits I pulled away. I was expecting a big deal to be made but it wasn’t so I decided to not make one, all the guys were drinking. I did look at M and say “What was that!” and M just said something about D being really drunk. I kinda thought it would all just end there. M came home with me, the next day we had amazing sex in the morning and then he spent the day with me and my 3 year old, he went home got his dog and brought her over , we all took a walk together…it was just a really good day. Then that night we were texting….hot and heavy stuff and talking about what turns us on and that kind of thing, just having fun. Then he says “well watching you make out with D was a huge turn off” I was floored, I didn’t know where it came from since he didn’t say anything all day with me. And I didn’t make out with anyone! I was taken advantage of. Well he ended up not responding to me when I text him back, he wouldn’t take my calls. And a few days later he said he felt disrespected and hurt. He wouldn’t let me explain. I called and text a few times then I told him I was gonna leave him alone and just see him on wednesday. Well he totally tried to avoid me on Wed and I wouldnt allow it. I yelled and cried, he followed me home and we talked some more. He said he didn’t want me out of his life but he was so hurt. Well I was hurt! I was being blamed for something that wasn’t my fault, but I apologized anyway, cause he was hurt and I was involved in it. I couldn’t handle us being over over this! Well Friday he came over and told me he couldn’t date me any longer. I knew it was coming but it still broke my heart. I told him he was making a mistake and would regret it. He said he wanted to talk to me still cause he really wanted me in his life still. I told him no. I couldnt do that.

    He left to go to work at the bar and blew my phone up….texting me saying can we talk more, am I ok, he doesn’t like seeing me cry, please answer him. FInally I said “I’m not trying to ignore you I just dont know what to say” so he says say you’ll talk to me, please, stop ignoring me….so I agreed to talk to him the next day. He called, we talked, nothing changed, he said he missed me. The next day he asked me to meet him at the bar to “hang” well it was really awkward at first then we just fell into us again. He came home with me. We talked after that night about the bar not being great for us, we basically were like the bar’s hot couple. All eyes on us, it was to much. So we stopped being there that much, things were different but not horrible. Then he was out of work for 2 weeks because of a surgry and I was taking care of him and with him everyday. It was like the beginning of our relationship. Well things got bad when he went back to work. He became distant, he said I was pressuring him. It just changed. Now I do know he was up for a promotion that they were dangling over his head and he is still in school for his masters (accounting) and he has a commitment to the pool team he is on. And he was going to court with the possibility of jail time (house arrest). But after the court was done and everything was thrown out I thought things would go back to normal, but it didn’t …. I don’t want to lose him. I really care about him and might be falling in love with him…scary! What should I do?

    P.S. The court thing? After we were together for 2 weeks he was pulled over leaving my house, random thing. Well apparently his license was suspended for not following through on a class he was supposed to take SEVEN years ago for a DUI. So he has been taking classes and paying fines and getting that lock thing installed in his car…charges were dropped cause of his cooperation but it was very stressfull and embaressing to him and he still has to have the breath thing in his car for a year. Which makes seeing me hard during the week. He can’t drink even a glass of wine and drive. So he relies on me to pick him up and drive when we go out. He doesn’t like this, I don’t mind but I get how it makes him feel.

    So that’s my story….start to finish lol or start to now…

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 8:06pm

  53. 53: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo,

    It really pisses me off too. SMH…. I understand how you feel!!

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 8:15pm

  54. 54: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena RE:36

    I love how you put that. I have had to some to terms with later to me is not equal to later to him.

    I had to ask my BF (then CD) …. when is later? He says later anytime, like 2moro….its really “open” like “anytime after this moment”

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 8:23pm

  55. 55: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s always dangerous to get involved with someone with a substance abuse problem.
    Years ago, I married someone after just a few months of being together. He had a past with drugs, drinking but was now clean, going to college, etc. turns out I learned quite quickly I got him on the “up swing” and he slipped back when things got stressful and his old friends showed up; disappearing, hanging out at the local bar, spending all our money on coke. I was really crazy for him, he really “got me” and we were very close. But I had to let him go. This was not the life for me.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:07pm

  56. 56: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes_31_ That sounds perfect! I will def use that advice, thank you. As of right now it’s only happend twice…but both times were within the week. Sooo lol, I’ll let it go for now.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:08pm

  57. 57: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Syrena_36_ I know what you mean. I always want black and white answers. In my case the Sunday night he said he would call “tomorrow” and didn’t. And then last night he said he’d call when he was done pool….I doubt he is still playing and I haven’t gotten a call yet. BUT we kinda got in a text war/fight so I’m thinking it may be a few days. I’m NOT making contact though. Gonna be strong. I’m actually feeling really good.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:11pm

  58. 58: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_40_ PERFECTLY put!!!! I hope you don’t mind but I actually copied and pasted your post and emailed it to myself so I can use some of your wording in my speech. Not sure when I’ll have it but I want to be prepared and I love how you phrased what you said.

    It’s so hard to let yourself have all these feelings and be so open with someone and have no expectations. I’m struggling with that. But I don’t want to have my talk with M till I have this taken care of. I need to go into it in the right emotional state and mind set.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:16pm

  59. 59: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((Scarlet)))))))))) my heart goes out to you! I’m so sorry your going through this.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 9:17pm

  60. 60: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    This article is spot on… Either the guy is cheating or he’s just a weirdo or he is gay.

    Monday, 25 March 2013 @ 10:39pm

  61. 61: GazelleNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    It’s been awhile since I wrote! I’ve been reading and following though, and I’m glad to see that many of you are doing well! I am writing because I just need someone else’s opinion on this! My fiancé is flying FAR away for a month for a job-related thing. He doesn’t need the entire time there but he wants to give himself extra time in case some professional opportunities come up. He says he doesn’t want to have to fly back (expensive, he is studying and I am working) in case something does come up while he is there. I understand his leaving for work and while I was not happy with the length of time, I was okay with it because it was for professional development. Then, last night, he asks me if he should take three days or a full week to meet up with some friends. I asked if it was work related, and he said mostly for relaxation. I feel like my efforts and sacrifices for him are just taken for granted! I work so hard at my full time job and pull in 100% of our money right now, we are doing a side job for extra cash, and we are planning and saving for our wedding. He feels like it is okay to take a holiday and see his friends for a week while I am at home doing everything in the house, at my job, at our joint side job, make all the arrangements for our wedding, etc. What do you all think? Is he being unfair? I keep thinking that he could just wrap up quickly if he didn’t need the extra time and come home. Our parents are contributing a little to our wedding but because he is not working, most of our funds for the wedding come from my income. I don’t need him to work and contribute equally, I just need to feel like he is contributing in every small way he can and is as committed to sacrificing and saving and working hard towards our wedding. Otherwise, things have been fairly good in the last few weeks for us. Thoughts?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:03am

  62. 62: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I remember listening at level 2 when I need smth from him. I feel guilty. I love me, I love my guilt.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:14am

  63. 63: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Gazelle you seem to be sacrificing too much. I would just stop if I were you as it is obviously not inspring his masculine instincts.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:16am

  64. 64: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    nme you have an interesting story.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:18am

  65. 65: ViNo Gravatar says:

    It would feel good to listen at level 2 agenda-less.. I feel curious what if I try level 2 listening with my mom.. I expect tons of triggers and I feel afraid that I end up beating myself up for failing to do L2L good enough.. I love my expectations and I love my agendas. I love my fears. I love my choices too

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:23am

  66. 66: JulieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori, I want to join your teleclass on 27th March. I live in the UK. Can you tell me the time difference because I don’t know where you are in the US so I know what time to be on line. Thank you

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:38am

  67. 67: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    47

    Elsie, I KNOW, right? I woke up giggling about it, it’s cracking me up right now thinking about :)

    ~~~~

    I am really digging Rori’s advice in this post.
    I went batsh!t nuts over a M a couple of years ago, and he would not have sex with me. His story was that he was afraid of disappointing me, which made me go into overdrive wanting to come up with great ideas to make HIM comfortable
    all the while he was withholding from me
    and dating other women, doing everything he could to earn their confidence so they would sleep with him.
    Mindf*ck.

    B used to withhold, too. I would be lying in bed, saying, baby, come on back to bed! While he was on the computer, having virtual Sim sex. Right there in front of me.
    It was hilarious and tragic at the same time.

    Oy.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 3:05am

  68. 68: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Love this post.

    This happened to me not long into my 16 year marriage . He drew further away , in no time sex every 3 -4 months. Two kids later and sex died completely.

    Initially I tried everything to get him interested . He just withdrew. Suggestions of counseling or reading sex guides together were seen as a serious attack from me and treated by angry silence and avoidance.I found a letter related to his work but it sounded too cutesy wootsey , and from a guy. I asked him straight out if he was gay. His anger was dark and seething but still silent apart from the denial. Not long after he wrote me a letter telling me he didnt want to be married and suggesting discreet affairs till the kids grew up. I did not accept this. As soon as I could (after more lonely years) I suggested separation . His only comment was “yes , we’ll make it from the new financial year” .

    I dont really think he is gay, just shut down. And angry and bitter. he took up with the women he wanted and has been many years ‘with ” her , just not living with her.

    The point is i was so injured by his rejection and so struggling with a chronic illness at the time that i just did not see that it WAS MY RIGHT TO SEX IN MARRIAGE and that his witholding without discussion or reason was DELIBERATE and HURTFUL.

    I should have left before the kids came but I believed we were supposed to stay together and grow together with time..sigh..

    I understand now , based on his subsequent behaviour which was calculated to injure me in any way he can , that he is an angry man who is passive aggressive and uses these witholding , withdrawing and silence techniques to manipulate and control.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 3:18am

  69. 69: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    60 Gazelle, I wonder whats wrong with him taking a break ? He is just doing what he is doing. But you are doing what you are choosing too , and it sounds like you are choosing to do a lot , exhausting yourself , then feeling angry at him for not making it all better somehow . His choice to rest and relax a little for a few days feels like salt in the wound if you have expectations for him to work as hard as you on your timetable. Its the expectations you have of him that are fuelling the bad feelings.

    If you choose to STOP some of this and just be still , how would that feel? Rori teaches in all the programs as far as i can see, its our own overfunctioning that makes us distressed ,she describes this so well in Reconnect Your Relationship.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 3:52am

  70. 70: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    53: Emoticon

    “Syrena RE:36

    I love how you put that. I have had to some to terms with later to me is not equal to later to him.

    I had to ask my BF (then CD) …. when is later? He says later anytime, like 2moro….its really “open” like “anytime after this moment””

    nme008. I feel concerned that it appears you are making your happiness and happy ever after about this one man.

    Thanks, Yes I now believe it is just a figure of speech with no clear active intention behind it. So take it as it is, get on with my life and when they next call or ask me out, I most likely will not be there at their beck and call at the drop of a hat. and they will need to put some effort in to get my time.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 4:43am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Julie,

    This link will take you to the area where you will be able to see time differences

    http://www.coachrori.com/private-coaching/

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:22am

  72. 72: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Gazelle

    Reading your post.. brings these thoughts and questions.

    Is this man “your man” and a your partner in life? Different seasons in our lives come and go. Each requires different investment of energy while working toward the same goals.

    If he is doing his part in the grand scheme of things toward your agreed goals it is going to look different than you doing your part. It is not always equal (which is what I hear you saying you are feeling). Everything that you listed you are doing feels exhausting to read let alone doing it.

    What would it take to adjust your situation so it feels balanced and right for you is a question I would be putting some serious effort into right now.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:41am

  73. 73: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @51 (((((((((((((((((((nme008)))))))))))))))))))))) – You know, I was right. In a weird way, we do have a lot in common.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:47am

  74. 74: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I have not posted in a while… but been reading.

    Rori’s advice to this thread is spot on! Get out, and move on! I choose to do just that.

    I have come to realize that holding on to what is not right or good for us, occupies the space that is designated for what would be right and good for us. In other words. out with the wrong, to make way for the right.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:53am

  75. 75: Shar Lean Way BackNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, how are things with , was it , Favorite CD ?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:40am

  76. 76: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been getting affection ALL OVER the place this week!
    I’m feeling so comfortable with it, too.
    When my friends in WA are saying they can’t wait for me to come back and snuggle with them, I believe them – there’s a feeling of, yes!! Yes!! Let’s do it!
    In contrast with feeling suspicion, of feeling like…something in my belly how it used to feel kind of “butthurt” and whiny and hmm, how to put it…
    mostly that I just didn’t really believe they wanted me around.

    C has been super yummy and it feels easy, another guy, D here at work has been coming up and tentatively putting his hand on my shoulder, sort of patting me and expressing in ways that let me know he likes me, which he hasn’t done before (I’ve worked with this man for 2 years!), JD and C have been tons more playful (and C REALLY had an attitude for a while), B, the ‘old geezer’ here, came up this morning and sort of did a hip bump against me, and none of it feels pressured or smarmy or shady or creepy.

    C has been cracking jokes all morning about FiestaCD and hanging outside the doorway playing the ‘peeper/stalker’ and cracking me up.

    I also noticed, that with this latest round of healing my gut – I used to be off of wheat and taken a gazillion supplements, and I remember there was a feeling in my gut that I HATED – I even dreamed once that I thought there was a little hand reaching in and twisting my gut and I was beating it and threatening to kill it, only to realize it was a tiny little hand trying to reach OUT from the INSIDE.

    I wanted to BEAT that feeling to death and get RID of it. Now, I just want to care for and nurture it, as if I heard a baby crying and want to cuddle, kiss it and give it the breast. Be kind to it. Love it.

    So different.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:42am

  77. 77: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_63_ How so? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:18am

  78. 78: nme008No Gravatar says:

    IamHis_ Really? Hmmm…. :)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:23am

  79. 79: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a m

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:43am

  80. 80: nme008No Gravatar says:

    You know how you all keep asking what it is I want in a relationship? Well I’m dedicating time to this today…..one thing I know is important to me is communication. I know I keep hearing let him come to you and this leaning thing but I can’t get past if there isn’t open and easy communication between the two people there isn’t a relationship. I hear you Elsie on wanting to be sure he wants you and I like that concept for the beginning but when I find a true long lasting loving relationship I want to be comfortable going to him.any time w anything.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:44am

  81. 81: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Emerson_ what do you feel? a m?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:46am

  82. 82: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a mix of feelings… I feel left out from my friends who I used to work with… I miss being part of that group and doing fun things…
    I know there is a time for everything and I have to live in the present. I also feel a bit “fed up” with my dating as I’m meeting Lots of guys thru th dating site but I’m not meeting anyone promising … It’s all more practice and I suppose I need to trust the process and trust that the one above is looking out for me…
    I feel deflated at times and I even have days where I miss my college boyfriend :-(
    I also feel that I’m moving in the right direction because I’m making some changes that feel good…
    I’m all over the place sirens but just needed to vent…
    I’m learning about myself and how I’m so triggered by men using work as an excuse to not prioritize me ….

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:48am

  83. 83: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    80 lol NME I hi publish by mistake I’m on my phone !

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:50am

  84. 84: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel that there are a lot of selfish men out there ….

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:51am

  85. 85: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Emerson_ I totally get where your coming from.I remember online dating and while it was fun to go out a lot it was disappointing in the selection so to speak lol.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:59am

  86. 86: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    nme – I sent you a long reply last night to your letter. Just want to be sure you received it.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:20am

  87. 87: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Dominique_ I did. Thank you sooo much! I am just waiting to get on a computer today to respond, to much to do on my phone. I’m so greatful you took the time to read and respo d though. Thank you, really hoping I can work w you some.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:25am

  88. 88: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    nme I believe your story is interesting because there is a lot there that you can go over to see what lesson you can take from the experience. What a man can give you is very limited. You can give a lot to yourself. A lot more than any man could ever give. I have been silently following your posts and I sincerely feel like just dropping everything and turning towards you would be your best bet. I keep getting the sense that this man is really not in your life.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:33am

  89. 89: KathNo Gravatar says:

    Gazelle,

    Rori says we shouldn’t take on the masculine role of doing- and you seem to be doing just that. Not only that, you’re over-functioning!- when you said that you were earning and not him because he’s a student and you were saving, and your parents were saving for your wedding- I wondered what he was actually doing for the wedding???- I would have an alarm bell ringing if it were me- and I would also say to him that it was fine for him to go away for a month to look for work and to take a week off to see friends and what a good idea it was. I’d say something like, “That’s such a good idea to take some time off, I think I’m going to go and see some friends when you get back from you’re week away. That way you can take care of the house and I don’t have to worry”- and then I’d just go- start being less open with him and doing more things for you. Take Care xx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:44am

  90. 90: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Passover to everyone!!

    I feel nervous and disturbed today. There is a chance I may run into dumbcd tonight and I need to decide how to be have if I do. To walk over and slap his face.. to be a boring familiar ‘nice’ girl who will shut up and proudly look the other way.. to do nothing as usual.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:44am

  91. 91: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo how about be a siren, lean back and just magnitize 100 men towards you?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:21am

  92. 92: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I feel annoyed and tricked by your Happy Passover comment Memulo, as if someone pulled some wool over my eyes thinking I am stupid and would not see what they were really doing. Mainly because of the comment about dumbcd and yourself. It feels like the Happy Passover was an inauthentic comment to draw my attention to reading your post. When truly you are not feeling happy. Just pissed and angry.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:25am

  93. 93: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I guess I must have had my face slapped in the past and I still feel angry about it. Thanks for bringing this up to heal. I feel myself shaking and like my energy is pulled forward to slap somebody back.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:28am

  94. 94: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Passover was a polite thing to say, plus I celebrated last night and had a great time. Instead of dividing it into 2 posts I posted once. I am not really happy, but not angry either. Humiliated is the right word.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:03am

  95. 95: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    You had your face slapped FW? It’s hard to believe it and I am sorry if it ever happened to you. I have slapped guys’ faces, though have not done it for a long time. It feels like a feminine thing to do if I feel insulted. It’s not a physically hurtful gesture either, just a moral one.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:06am

  96. 96: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo;
    It’s actually kind of wonderful to wish happiness for others even though you might not feel at your personal best
    Happy Passover

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:14am

  97. 97: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know Memulo. To me it is disrespectful. Also communicating that a man owes you something and is not entitled to make decisions for his own life. Slapping a guy’s face is kind of suggestive that he can return the favor. What makes you feel entitled to be able to slap a man’s face? Now that I think about it the last time I felt a loss of power and respect was with my son and yes I did slap his face. But felt like shit after. It even felt like I was teaching him that women can be disrespectful to him and slap his face because they don’t know how to express themselves.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:18am

  98. 98: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I find myself struggling with the “polite” thing these days. To me it now feels pretentious and superficial. It’d rather deal with a real person rather than a polite person. That way I know what I am dealing with.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:24am

  99. 99: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Linda G ;)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:28am

  100. 100: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I never slapped my son’s face. I did once when a guy who I had a history with tried to kiss me and I said no. I would do it again. Another one in a similar situation.

    What’s wrong about well wishes? I did not mean to cover how I feel or for that matter anything rather than what I said ;)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:32am

  101. 101: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Am I just completely lost here? What is the problem with Memulo saying Happy Passover? Regaurdless if she is having a shitty day or not she still wishes everyone happieness on this time of year. Confused as to why FW seems so offended….

    and as for slapping in the face? I’ve never done it to a man. But I have to both my son and daughter. Not often but there has definetly been the occation where they needed it for being way out of line and disrespectful. Just as my parents did to me when I was out of line.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:47am

  102. 102: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Well more likd a pop in the mouth, not an across the face slap. Just so we are clear.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:47am

  103. 103: nme008No Gravatar says:

    But I do agree with FW about faking being polite. Sometimes I wish everyone would just be true and honest. If that’s pissed off then be that. I stuggle with this all the time. I want to be nice and do things the “right” way but at the same time I don’t want to be fake so I want to scream at someone….but then I’m told this is not how to get results I want lol.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:49am

  104. 104: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, Mercedes, IamHis, Indigo, Emerson…..where are you today??? lol :)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 10:50am

  105. 105: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am not saying there is anything wrong with the well wishes. For me it just got lost in how I felt when I read the comment about the face slapping. I guess for me, words are powerful.

    nme you feel confused and I feel how I feel. The slap was triggering for me. I chose to express myself rather than dismiss it.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:02am

  106. 106: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo maybe I would do the same thing given the same circumstances. Yet it is different than what was suggested with dumbcd. I hope I will never find myself in a situation where I feel the need to slap a man. It just seem extremely risky to me. Also I would hope any man I am with will respect me enough to not inspire such actions from me.

    Is it a feminine thing to slap a man’s face or to slap a man at all? Even if it is, I wonder about the message slapping a man sends.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:07am

  107. 107: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    found out a good friend passed away suddenly, about an hour ago. SAD and in shock. :(

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:08am

  108. 108: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    OMG (((((((((((((((((Iamhis)))))))))))))))))))

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:10am

  109. 109: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((IamHis)))))))))) I am soooo sorry!!!! Sending my best wishes and thoughts your way <3

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:14am

  110. 110: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi nme!

    Busy day for me today. Only now checking the blog.

    *Sigh* working through some stuff today. It’s so exhausting at times, I wonder why I push myself with my personal growth so hard sometimes.

    How are you feeling today, nme? You actually have been on my mind and I was wondering how you were doing!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:15am

  111. 111: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo_Thanks for thinking of me. I wonder sometimes what others do to “personal growth” reading? Physical something? Journaling? Just trying to do the same and am always open to new ideas.

    Today has been off and on good and bad. I woke up feeling pretty bad, had a dream and M was in it. Don’t recall the dream but it had him on my mind first thing in the morning.

    I’ve also been feeling….really raw and nervous after sharing my ENTIRE story last night on here…lol. It felt good to write it out but after I posted it I felt scared.

    But over all I’m doing well today. Haven’t reached out to M and this is a first, if it goes past tomorrow it will be the longest we haven’t talked/text/seen eachother….lots to wonder about. But trying to just BE.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:20am

  112. 112: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Gazelle 60

    I also would suggest stopping the “party” so to speak in some way.

    If it were me, I would sweetly and with no conflict say to him that he is welcome to stay a week, and I wonder where he is going to get the money from?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:26am

  113. 113: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo_111_ I LOVE that. lol.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:29am

  114. 114: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme

    With the personal growth, for me it’s all of the above – reading, although I’m selective about what I read. I’ve read some amazing stuff, which I’ll gladly recommend if you like. I have just, just started therapy, and I’m excited about that.

    Also, practising mindfulness tools, being aware of when I feel bad and doing things to shift that and look for the better feeling. And practising how I communicate with others. Not trying to hold an agenda, but so that my true self and my true intentions come through.

    I’m glad you’re doing well. Taking time to just BE is never wasted. Amazing stuff eventually comes to you if you are patient.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:33am

  115. 115: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Has anyone else read Dominique’s blog today? It hit home soooo much with me and was just wondering if anyone else related…my stupid laptop won’t allow me to copy and paste the link though lol.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:37am

  116. 116: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo,

    I would love reading recommendations!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:39am

  117. 117: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I NEED to get back to work, for my own sanity! Feeling really excited that there was a resume writting service on groupon today. Perfect timing, I’m getting it and getting it out there. I feel a new job coming my way.

    ….and that is why I’m on this blog so much lol….

    Also really happy that I’ve lost 8 lbs in the last 2 1/2 weeks on my cleanse AND took my first boot camp class yesterday and loved it! I’m slowly but surly getting there…happy about doing me.

    Emerson, I also bought a groupon for a spray tan!!! Yay! Excited to try it out.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:44am

  118. 118: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo,

    In reading some of your posts lately, what I am understanding is a frustration of being very, very nice and getting along vs. thoughts of trying the opposite and going into drama.

    I would just offer that neither is being true to your feelings or another in a respectful sireny way.

    What about being true and open with your feelings without blame and shame and drama? And, owning whatever is being felt without fake nicey niceness?

    Being open and feeling your feelings and choosing your words…part of the Rori way!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:19pm

  119. 119: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright

    I loved what you had to say to Memulo!

    I also used to carry around feelings that being nice or polite wasn’t particularly attractive to people, and that I should be more “something” or what have you.

    Until I realised that the most attractive thing I could be was myself! And that was really, really true. Own who I am. All of it. And you know what? I was brought up to be polite. And that’s me. And I own it. And love it.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:34pm

  120. 120: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Nme008

    “I want more” by Rory
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lElQ184aUak

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:35pm

  121. 121: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Nme008

    Are you exclusive? By Rory
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_H6MrS1jE4

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:37pm

  122. 122: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Nme008
    Memulo

    You were only dating this man.

    Having sex or not is irrelevant. Being exclusive or not is irrelevant. Meeting his family or not is irrelevant. Being taken to his company Xmas party is irrelevant.
    Saying I love you or not is irrelevant. A man can say “I love you” to the woman he is having sex “for now”, his FWB. He can be sincere as love means a wide range of emotions that are not differentiated in the English word “love”.
    He may mean love as in love for his romantic lover or spiritual love for the human being she is or lust for the sexual partner or affection for the good friend she is or fraternal love for the sister he sees in her. Or he may feel love for himself and for life itself and thus he makes himself feel more of it by saying the words “I love you” to a woman.
    Some men even pay sexual workers to be able to say “I love you” to a woman.

    None of this means anything.

    It is called a committed relationship when a man says clearly “I love you, you are the woman I want and I am ready to marry you” + he sets a wedding date + you feel good about it + you accept his ring or/and his wedding date.
    After which, if you both ever decide to not marry each other anymore, you can call it a breakup as the engagement is broken up.

    Without the engagement, there is nothing to break up, hence it is not a relationship, it is just dating.
    The men are just men that you happen to know, no matter what you do with them or for how long. It does not matter if they meet you regularly or if they call on and off. They are all just men that you meet. They are dates. When you notice you have not heard from them in a long while, it means nothing, just that they were distracted somewhere else. They might call again 6 months later or a couple of years later or 20 years later, or never, they still are just dates.

    You may chose to be exclusive with one date at a time, yet it does not make it a relationship. It does not matter if you meet regularly or not, it does not matter if he speaks of buying a house or going to the moon together next year, it still is only dating but putting all your eggs in the same basket and blocking your options for happiness. And risking to feel your heart broken

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:40pm

  123. 123: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme,

    The most life-changing book I’ve ever read was “The Tao of Equus” and also “Riding Between the Worlds” by the same author. Ok, it draws heavily on what the author has learnt from working with horses, but what she has learnt about emotions and the wisdom of emotions, and the language of the soul, is truly profound, and the emotional skills she offers are ones which I truly believe every person should learn.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:41pm

  124. 124: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    The price of commitment by Rory
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rv2Mb21W-8Y

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:43pm

  125. 125: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    The diva creed by Rory Raye
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0hcwybXeh4

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:45pm

  126. 126: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Nme008

    “Just saying you make a point to talk with me when I’m working regaudless of what I’m doing…I always stopped what I’m doing to listen or respond. I could have had severe problems last night and it’s like “what’s the problem with M”…Not like “Oh M’s doing his job”..Then you say today let’s talk…I say fine. Then you say face to face…Well you demanding something doesn’t make it happen. If you wanted to talk today could you have given me notice not say let’s talk while I have been shooting pool with — for a half hour”

    “I don’t want to come off as a prick. It’s not like I don’t want to see you”

    He might have meant:
    “you are asking me right now to see you and I am not a prick, I am not refusing to see you, but it will have to be later. I did not dump you and then ignore you like pricks do with their dates.. When you drop by at work, I still do stop what I am doing and I talk with you. We are not dating anymore but I did say I agree to talk today, yet if you want it face to face it will have to be later. It is not like I don’t want to see you. I just need to be told ahead when you want to be seen so I can free some time for your chats. I am not trying to be a prick when I remind you that I might get in troubles when you come to chat with me at work and I can’t put my pool team on hold just because you want a chat with no warnings. I am only trying to get my boundaries respected”
    He did start the first text with ” just saying”.
    He was just saying… To a friend…

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:49pm

  127. 127: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    how-to-date-a-righteously-busy-man

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/how-to-date-a-righteously-busy-man/

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:51pm

  128. 128: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Are you in an imaginary relationship?

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/are-you-in-an-imaginary-relationship-2/

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:54pm

  129. 129: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Recover from an imaginary relationship.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/recover-from-an-imaginary-relationship/

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:55pm

  130. 130: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    What to do with an imaginary relationship

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-to-do-with-an-imaginary-relationship/

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:56pm

  131. 131: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    how-to-avoid-the-pain-of-an-imaginary-relationship

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/how-to-avoid-the-pain-of-an-imaginary-relationship/

    xxx

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 12:57pm

  132. 132: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Memulo, Is dumbcd the guy who disappeared on u? Don’t remember. So u might run into him tonight? If so, just ignore him. Just be yourself. That’s the best thing. As Sandford used to say on “Sandford and son” act casual. I think it was Grady used to say that. Remember that show. Up to yesterday, I was speaking to Hairdresser when she came to my house to do my hair and she asked if I ever heard from disappearing ex. I said “No sah”. I said to her that sometimes I don’t even remember him and if I was to run into him at our batch reunion in the summer, I would just walk past him. If he spoke to me and said hi, I would answer but I would be in no discussion or talking with him. I would just ignore after the “hi hello” and it would have to be initiated by HIM. Oh Overseas cd and I spoke a bit and we are not communicating anymore. Don’t know if he going to come to the batch reunion which I just mentioned. I have forgotten about him as well, remembering only once in a while like yesterday and now. He seems a bit withdrawn and said that he is working very hard and by the time he reaches home, he just wants to go to his bed. I pick up that he is not ready for a relationship and is throwing himself in his work. Pick up this especially with the death of his close friend. Probably still mourning. One of my sisters reminded me on Sunday that going to conferences is a good way to meet men. I totally forgot as hairdresser had told me this and I didn’t remember. I was telling her last night what I have mentioned to u ladies-that I don’t feel like meeting anymore men online (yet) as I have interacted with 3 men via facebook, one of whom I got involved with and feel like instead of meeting men on facebook or dating sites, I want to meet someone face to face instead of online. Even if its online, it has to be the same country, which means I will have to meet them in a couple of weeks like a month (got to be cautious). Don’t want anymore online long distance relationship. Want to be able to see the person often enough.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:13pm

  133. 133: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Zara_121_ I’m sorry but I 100% disagree with you. This may be how you choose to view relationships but it definetly is not how every man and woman does. I was married for 11 years and may not ever decide to get married again. That is not to say I will never be in a committed relationship again. My brother is gay and cannot marry his partner but they are very much committed to eachother, for 5 years now. What you have described to me is a very sad way to view the dating world. There are non committed dating relationships and there are committed ones. Each person chooses what type of relationship they are in and most choose it together.

    As for 125_ you said in the bottom that M was saying …to a friend. That is not the case cause regaurdless of what you said prior about nothing to break up we are in a relationship, as we have said it to eachother before. And an exculsive one at that. So it is not as a friend….although the rest of your post there was good.

    And thanks for your suggested links but I am not in an imaginary relationship. That would mean I thought it up in my head without M having been part of conversations around us. Which is not the case.

    To each their own opinion and way to live but I do not choose to live that way believe the way you do about relationships. If I were to go out with another man now, I’d be cheating on M as would he if he was seeing and talking to someone else without ending things with me. He just might be done with “us” and that’s his choice but he hasn’t said it yet. I’ll wait on him for that.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:30pm

  134. 134: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo_ Thank you for the reading suggestions, I’ll look into them!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:33pm

  135. 135: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When I read 121 I thought it was a cut and paste from something Rori wrote. Some of the words I heard in the youtube. Waiting for a man can be a long drawn out, self defeating process.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:37pm

  136. 136: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but I’m gonna try and expain myself a little here. I understand that a lot of people are looking for “the one” “forever” and I guess if I found him I would be excited. But I’m just looking to be in a “Now” relationship. What I want from M is a committment to now, that now he is seeing only me and sleeping with only me. I am his girlfriend now and when we have weekends free we are together and do something. I’m not saying I don’t want a forever with someone and M may or maynot be that someone but that is now my immediate goal here. I think it’s ok to have a boyfriend in the now and not be concerned with forever. My head hurts thinking about forever. But I don’t want to date multipule people nor him to while we are sleeping with eachother and I do want to have sex with him. I want everything above and open communication so that when this isn’t what either of us wants one day we tell each other. And who knows, in the process we might end up with forever but I just want for now right now….and I want respect.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:44pm

  137. 137: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Dominique_I’d like your opinion on 121 since I thought I read that you and K were together and exclusive/committed wout having a conversation for years. Did you feel like if it ended there was nothing to break up cause there was really no committment?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:54pm

  138. 138: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Zara,
    I am not married, I am not sure I want to be. I DO want a loving caring AMAZINGLY committed relationship and have children as part of this, if I can. I don’t believe a wedding will give me this. I DO want a lifelong relationship, if marriage becomes part of it then great. I am not seeking a ‘ring’ so to speak.
    Amb is not yet divorced due to financial reasons although separated for 2 years, he does want a divorce. Im pretty sure he doesn’t want to get married again anytime soon, he feels bad he broke his vow for better for worse. But he does believe in marriage, maybe one day he will want that again who knows?

    If I hadn’t have remained open to him maybe not wanting to ever marry again I could have missed out on all the wonder he has brought into my life for the last 4 months, wherever it goes with us. I’m just enjoying each moment. We both want the same end goals but marriage doesn’t have to be part of this for us.

    What do you think?

    Dominique opened my eyes to seeing marriage doesn’t have to be commitment.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 1:58pm

  139. 139: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Wow is all I can say. I feel sadness that it can be viewed this way. Lots of my friends have been together for 7, 8, 9 years before theyve got married, if they have chosen this. I can think of several examples in my close groups.

    Cc talks about an uncommitted relationship whilst you are deciding whether you want to spend forever together. I’m ok with this. It’s a huge part of it. It takes a while to get to know someone.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:13pm

  140. 140: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    They are all just men that you meet.

    Even if your buying a house together, that’s a HUGE commitment. Doing that with someone is more than just a guy you meet.

    I agree that buying a house together doesn’t necessarily give you the relationship you want.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:17pm

  141. 141: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Smile_

    I am in agreement with your thoughts. I think it’s a very sad and cinical way to look at dating/relationships as a whole.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:27pm

  142. 142: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    Ditto.

    Human history is long. Romantic marriage is a social institution we have nowadways in our society.

    Simply, intimacy between human beings is what I want, and what the tools have helped bring me with my bf and other people in my life, in a lovely fascinating way.

    Thanks Zara and all the other posters for the interesting perspectives to read on my little work break!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:27pm

  143. 143: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @137: Smile says:
    “…Dominique opened my eyes to seeing marriage doesn’t have to be commitment…”

    I’m thinking you perhaps meant “commitment doesn’t have to be marriage.” Marriage signals commitment!

    Rori has spoken on different expressions of commitment in romantic partnerships; they all aren’t marriage. I believe buying a house together and setting up a household is one expression that Rori discussed… if I remember correctly…. Maybe I can find the post.

    I also have my own ideas on what a commitment would be for me. I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all in having the relationship that each of us wants.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:48pm

  144. 144: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I feel super excited. I’ve had a fantasy/visualisation for many many years now that Im excited will happen in the next 2 weeks :)

    So… I’ve always imagined being on holiday swimming in the sea but having a guy hold me in the water. I want to put my arms around his shoulders and have him kiss me in the water. Ive never ever shared this and when I’ve been away with previous boyfriends it’s never happened, theyve not been cuddly enough although shown me affection in lots of other ways. I had expectations and felt frustrated when what I wanted to happen didn’t. Poor guys didn’t even know lol.

    Amb is sooo cuddly and affectionate and I love it! I can’t swim very well and told him I’d love it if when we were in the sea he’d hold me.

    I realised most of my frustration in previous relationships was due to not receiving as much affection as Id like as in
    cuddles etc.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:53pm

  145. 145: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    SLV yes that’s what I meant in a topsy turvy way :)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:55pm

  146. 146: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I meant it doesn’t have to be the only way to have a committed relationship. It can look differently to different people.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 2:56pm

  147. 147: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine women slap men’s faces? No. Slapping men or anyone else doesn’t make a woman “feminine.”

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 3:07pm

  148. 148: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @144: Smile says:
    “SLV yes that’s what I meant in a topsy turvy way ”

    Yes,,, I thought so…

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 3:08pm

  149. 149: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    Sorry to post on the blog again just to get things off my chest…

    Yet again I am working with someone who is driving me up the wall. She is driving me mad – she tactfully avoids my questions, she gives me no support…. Yuck I feel stuck in a rut..

    Seriously… I sometimes wonder if I walk around with “kick me” on my back..

    What is it about me??? Why do I struggle so much???

    Arggghhh….

    I just feel like it’s ME all the time. Everyone else seems to glide through life.

    I had a meeting today and it was like everyone was talking martian – it was like they were deliberately trying to wind me up. The were being soo cliquey with each other and avoiding eye contact with me.

    I just wanted to run away…. I feel like yet again I am being treated as a scapegoat.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 4:55pm

  150. 150: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel guilty MH has to do smth instead of having lunch. I feel tension in knees and elbows. I love my guilt, I love my control-ness.. I love my mother-y thoughts and an urge to fix it, I can turn this energy onto myself instead.. I can feel fear too. I love my fear. Aww I feel afraid to be abandoned. I love my fear. I am okay and I will be okay.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 4:58pm

  151. 151: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    nme008 – 136 – No absolutely not. We have had a committed and monogamous love affair from the beginning pretty much. It has been in my view (and his too) deeper, more profound than a great many legal marriages we’ve seen/observed/heard about. We did finally get married last June, yet it changed nothing except regarding some legalities.

    If we had broken up during the time before we legalized, it would have felt devastating. For both of us.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:27pm

  152. 152: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel guilty and small……… Belief: anger is for grown ups only and I can’t have it, but I am responsible for making things better for them to feel happy again. I love my tension. I love my legs feeling tense. I love my head feeling heavy. I love feeling of heaviness in my head.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 5:30pm

  153. 153: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Just now catching up!

    @IamHis – I am so sorry for your loss…….let us know how you are…

    @nme – THANK YOU for posting your story. That was very brave. I think that thinking about the past really helps us all to figure out what we did and what we want and dont want in the future…..good job for doing that!

    @Zara – I have to disagree with you and (gasp) Rori on this one….I think that you have a committed relationship even if you are not engaged. And I think that once that committment is articulated and agreed upon by both parties, then its a commitment. AND I would not CD at that point.

    I have a relationship right now. Its not completely defined, but I love him and he loves me, and he has told me I dont get to “kiss boys in bars” which is our code for being exclusive. I”m happy with that. When I’m not happy with it anymore if it isnt moving forward at the pace I need or want there will be another discussion, and then we’ll see … but wow. To say that you have to be engaged and thats the only real relationship – thats not my truth for sure.

    So…..on my front – my guy was over today and we talked for an hour and a half – wow – seriously? How do we still just talk and talk and talk, and then this afternoon we talked again, and he just texted me.

    I love it – but I feel like at some point, even though things are going fantastic right now – I need to figure out how much “quality time” I need with him to feel reassured, loved, and cared for. I will take time alone to figure that out and then I can communicate that to him in a non-harsh way with NO EXPECTATIONS. :)

    I think its only healthy. He told me that he needs to be told what I need to be taken care of – so I’m going to work on figuring that out so I can let him know how to take care of me. :) Now THAT feels good. :)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:23pm

  154. 154: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m interrupting the thread. I need help. What has worked for you in the past? Mr UnA is wanting an explanation of why I’ve broken things off with him. I thought I was pretty clear in that because I want to be in a committed relationship & he does not, I don’t want to continue in a relationship without strings.

    This is my speech: “I can’t do this [pseudo-relationship] anymore. This feels terrible to me. My gut hurts; my chest feels wrenched up. I feel worn out, exhausted, hopeless. You have no intention of committing to me. If you really wanted to be with me, you would find a way to be with me. Please leave me alone. If you ever truly cared for me, please leave me alone. “

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:27pm

  155. 155: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I feel like crying for that women!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:31pm

  156. 156: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Oh Dominique u are married. Ok. As I type this, I was confusing u with Mercedes again. When I read that u were married, I said aloud to myself, oh Dominique is married now and then realize I was mixing u up with Mercedes. Oh gosh, I am exhausted. Oh my goodness. I am going on a break from work tomorrow but will still work from home cause I have deadlines when I return to work. I think its the time to change my job and other stuff in my life.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:48pm

  157. 157: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Libelula – I would change it a bit….

    “I feel confused. I explained that it doesnt feel good to me to spend time with you and not be in a committed monogomous relationship where we are both moving towards similar goals. I feel icky and terrible that I have to discuss this again, and unless there is some different information or movement in this area, then I dont feel I can offer anything else in this conversation.”

    I wouldnt say that “YOU have no intention of committing to me” because you dont know that until he tells you.

    I wouldnt say “Please lleave me alone” unless you mean it.

    And if you do mean it – then say nothing else.

    Just say that. The end. NO explanation is necessary.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:50pm

  158. 158: nme008No Gravatar says:

    (((Elsie))) I love hearing your advice even when its not to me. Your words REALLY comfort me. Missed you on here today and am SOOOO happy you and your man had another great day together.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 6:57pm

  159. 159: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula, how about just
    “I am looking for love and happy ever after. This doesn’t feel like love to me”

    Hope you don’t mind my interjection here, part Rori, part Cherry Norris

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:10pm

  160. 160: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula I love what Linda G wrote but yours feel more like you. I don’t like the part about commitment but felt you in the please leave me alone. I would say tweak it by scripting here until you hit on what resonates with you.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:18pm

  161. 161: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme- Ok – wow, that made me feel super good that you just said that – haha! I feel guilty a bit that maybe I somehow steered you wrong the other night and then you had a bad night of texting with him and it made me feel guilty like I had done something wrong…..lol….thats me – always taking blame for everything haha!

    And by the way – its ALWAYS easier with someone else because you are detached…..

    Trust me I cant seem to tuck the crazy in sometimes when it comes to me. :)

    I did have a great day with him again, but I’m sort of nervous sometimes around him to say what it is that I want/need. Its not him at all – its me. I’m scared to say stuff sometimes because I’m afraid that my needs arent important so someone will just leave me if I say what it is that I need – crazy huh?

    So first I have to figure out what I need. Just like I did last month – I sat for a whole month and finally after figuring it all out – I told him, that I felt disconnected….and wow – look … a week later, things have happened emotionally etc and he has shown up for me in a way I never thought he would.

    Now, I just want more LOL. And more….LOL

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:20pm

  162. 162: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    My feeling is to create a response that will tell your truth without upsetting yourself in the process

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:22pm

  163. 163: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie,
    Please dont take any blame. Honestly if I had listened to your advice fully I may have gotten a better ending to the night….retrospect. lol. But I am very quick to anger and my roommate came home and fueled the fire. I ended taking her advice cause she made me feel so justified in my anger. Which was not the right way to go about it. Now I just want to fix it but I know he just needs space. I created unnessasary drama….even though he started it (haha had to throw that in there). I’m still waiting on him, and you know what? I’ve got a lot done, spent quality time with my kids and only felt the gut clentching fear? twice. Both times I breathed through it and changed what I was thinking about. I’m doing well….yay me. Baby steps.

    I think it’s an amazing gift your man gave you in saying to tell him what you need. Smiles!!! What freedom.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:34pm

  164. 164: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – well, I think that your friend meant no harm. She was angry and so were you. Almost every time people are angry its because they are really at the bottom of it – HURT. So its totally understandable.

    Whenever you see him again, you could just laugh and say – wow, I won the Oscar for drama the other night. :) LOL……

    And I’m proud of you – baby steps is the way to do it – and to honor and be proud of yourself the whole way!!!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:41pm

  165. 165: ViNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((((Vi))))))))))))

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:45pm

  166. 166: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    I like everyone’s ideas – it would be really easy to just use any of them

    So how about this: (he says I sounded pissed off, though thru email that’s hard to say – I thought I came off as pretty calm. I didn’t attack him or anything)

    I don’t feel pissed, I feel disappointed and sad that what I’m looking for & what you have been offering me do not match up. I don’t want to continue anymore.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 7:48pm

  167. 167: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula if I felt firm I want to be left alone I just wouldn’t bother to respond at all.. :-) hehe I feel an urge to judge myself as ‘rude’… but that’s what made me personally feel good and peaceful… sending you beams of support!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:04pm

  168. 168: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Vi: I have wondered about doing just that. Maybe he’s just trying to get me to reengage. Maybe I’m better off not responding at all.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:12pm

  169. 169: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Zara, Indigo. Starbright, K2012 – thank you so much for responding to me. I did not run into him tonight.

    I feel scared that I still miss him. Maybe even when we were together I didn’t want to admit how much he meant to me. I miss him so much. I don’t know what to do with this love. I guess it will pass eventually. I know I was treated badly. To me it means first that he didn’t love me enough. Everything else is secondary. I know that I deserve to be treated better and everything that goes with it, and that he entitled to have a choice and he made his decision, but the bottom line is that I miss him.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:51pm

  170. 170: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Iamhis))))

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:51pm

  171. 171: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca 148

    I can assure you, everyone else does NOT glide through life. I feel for you because I can remember having those same thoughts much earlier in my life.

    It was eye-opening and comforting to me that other people have the same insecurities, the same fears, the same uncertainties as I do. It doesn’t seem that way, but it’s true.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:53pm

  172. 172: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula, does responding feel worth your energy ? Does he already know that you want a relationship with him?

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 8:54pm

  173. 173: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I read Zara’s link ‘How to recover from an imaginary relationship’, Well, I did not lean forward AT ALL. Still, got me nowhere. So I guess it was not an accident and he knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want. Too bad then he didn’t want to part with me in a human way.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:01pm

  174. 174: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, more often than not the way people treat us has nothing to do with us & everything to do with them. Of course you deserved closure & understanding. He doesn’t know how. I would try to leave it at that. I’ve had to find closure without true “understanding”. I’ve chosen to create a sort of symbolic closure ceremony. It was my way of letting go. Are you open to trying something similar? You can make it up as you go. It can feel creative & fun!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:13pm

  175. 175: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    MovingMagic: Yes, he knows. I have told him I want a commitment. He either says I’m being unrealistic or that he can’t commit. But he still wants contact. I’m worn out & want this to be done, once & for all.

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:21pm

  176. 176: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula: Then I would choose to not respond…or at least wait a few days, allowing some air & space. No one says you have to respond right now. It’s beautiful really. :)

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 9:28pm

  177. 177: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    “A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.

    He falls in love with you because he feels SAFE expressing his innermost, private feelings with you.

    He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way.

    All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.”

    I loved reading this, thanks Rori :) it felt magical 

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:46pm

  178. 178: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo,

    Thanks! It fels good to be seen! Being oneself with openness feels so good!

    Tuesday, 26 March 2013 @ 11:58pm

  179. 179: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    What does it mean when a guy keeps asking you what you’re thinking about?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:14am

  180. 180: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 171 – thank you!! Sorry to bleat on about this I just feel so frustrated and angry…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:38am

  181. 181: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Pftt…

    Also, I have organised a social evening tonight and literally everyone who originally said they were up for it has now cancelled at the last minute!!

    I am so angry. I feel really let down and like I have absolutely NO friends…

    I feel like shouting at them all and saying ‘how would you like it if everyone cancelled on you!!’

    No-one seems to care. In fact I would say they feel slyly smug that I am in the situation… I feel really uncomfortable now knowing that they are not really on my side…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:40am

  182. 182: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Also, if anyone can give me ANY advice it would be greatly appreciated because obviously I am doing ‘something wrong’ here…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:48am

  183. 183: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I love Rori’s advice on this post. Spot on. And that’s exactly what I was thinking. When she wrote that she was working two jobs, paying all the rent, buying all the food (and chemical supplements), I realized this guy is just a freeloader. She needs to kick him out, and she has the power to do that, no question. Maybe when she does, he will wake up and get his act together. But right now, he doesn’t have to, because he gets everything he needs, and doesn’t even need to bother with sex, gay or straight. But my way of seeing that is not that he’s gay for not having sex with her. But he’s not turned on (even with an erection) BECAUSE she’s doing all the providing. His masculine duties are not needed in the house, so now this has become the sex as well. The only way she can change this is by asking him to leave, and then HE can decide if he wants her or not. It will put the ball back in his court…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:49am

  184. 184: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    DancingCD has been sooo cute lately. He sent me a really sweet email that said “good night” in Hebrew. He looked it up, AND wrote it in Hebrew letters. How cute is that????

    And today, he’s been really supportive. I’m still looking for a host family for my cats – and he can’t take them, even though he loves cats. Meanwhile, I got them from where they were staying, in my friend’s garage, and discovered that my older one is sick. Booo! : ( poor girl. I have to take her to the vet tomorrow….

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:58am

  185. 185: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca I wonder if there is at least one that you feel open towards or you feel might be more open to you than the others? I am thinking that sharing some vulnerability with that person by asking how they experience you could possibly get you some feedback. Sometimes we put up walls unconsciously that people feel blocked by.d

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:12am

  186. 186: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    So, by the way, I feel nervous and vulnerable to post here, but I have to do what I can. I need to raise any money that I can to help get me out of the situation that I’m in. I’m working full-time as an MT, but I’m hardly making any money, because nearly all of my clients are groupon clients, and have prepaid at a severely discounted rate. Consequently, I had to move out of my apartment in January, and that’s when I ended up moving in (VERY briefly) with a man I’d been seeing and flirting with, who I had come to see as possibly the “real deal” (in fact, his nickname here was “RM” for Real Man.) But what he was was a really good con artist. It became clear very quickly that he only wanted to use me and take advantage of me and I needed to get out of there FAST. My friends have offered so much help and support and couches, but I feel so far away from being able to afford to move into my own place again. Now my cat is sick, from the stress of moving them both around so much, and I have to move them AGAIN, probably several times.

    So I created a fundraising page for people to help save my business and get me back to where I need to be – which is NOT on the east coast with my emotionally abusive family. They would be more than happy to take me back. They would love that. They thrive on it when I am sick, weak, or otherwise dependent on them. But funny how they have all the money in the world, if it means flying me home to be with them, but nothing to give me when it comes to my actual needs, in this moment, in the place where I am. No. I can’t accept that kind of “help.” I need to do this WITHOUT them.

    If you can help (for real) or want to know more, go here – http://www.gofundme.com/warmheart

    thank you!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:15am

  187. 187: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis I take it to mean he feels my distance. Sometimes we are up in our heads. I can tell that with men very easily, even while on the phone. Time to review listening at Level 2.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:15am

  188. 188: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie.

    “@Zara – I have to disagree with you and (gasp) Rori on this one….I think that you have a committed relationship even if you are not engaged. And I think that once that commitment is articulated and agreed upon by both parties, then its a commitment. AND I would not CD at that point. ”

    A commitment to what though? Usually a commitment to I am just seeing you and having sex with only you for now. In the mans case, meaning I am happy to make that commitment for now but am making no future promises that I will want to make a commitment to be with you forever. Why the woman often believes that they are moving forward towards being together forever towards being life partners, investing all her time, love attention and affection, bonding with a man who is just seeing how it goes. Not a good place for a woman to be unless she is happy to accept that it is most likely is going to be fling, could last few months, or a few years. It’s usually the woman then who is ahead in the realtionship time line waiting for him to catch up. And once he has you in this position your degree of difficulty and attractiveness have just gone down in his eyes.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:20am

  189. 189: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @187 Feminine Woman – Thanks, Feminine Woman. But neither of us were speaking. and I was trying to just sit there and feel. don’t know how successful I was, but oh well. still practicing…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:36am

  190. 190: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    when I told him what I was honestly thinking, he just went, “wow.”

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:37am

  191. 191: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_

    Tonight is Wed so it’s the night I usually have my “girls night” that since I’ve been w M has included him because he will be at pool. I am trying not to lean in, I haven’t called or text since our exchange on Sunday. So here is my dilema….my girlfriend is expecting us to go out tonight…and it’s not that I don’t want to go but I’m actually nervous to go. We haven’t talked since the text fight, I don’t know where his head is at, how he is feeling. And will it look to him that I’m leaning in? And if I decide not to go then my girlfriend will want to know why and I honestly don’t want to involve anyone else in what’s going on cause I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. lol. Advice???

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:39am

  192. 192: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I felt angry and tried to leave. but he wanted me to stay. I told him I didn’t have to stay. He said you shouldn’t leave angry. so I sat back down and just tried to feel…

    we just sat there in silence and didn’t speak.

    I felt no need to speak.

    I felt really good just sitting there with him.

    It felt really natural and peaceful.

    I feel weird about it, looking back…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:41am

  193. 193: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Well anyone can give advice, ha. I’ve just been talking mostly to Elsie…and Mercedes, Dominique, IamHis, Emerson and Indigo lol….

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:42am

  194. 194: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve never felt such a range of emotions, just sitting with someone. Nervous, shaky, happy, angry, confused, apathedic, delighted by my surroundings, blessed, cold, scared, curious, and finally sad.

    It felt kind of beautiful…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:46am

  195. 195: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    179

    IamHis

    The act itself has no inherent meaning.
    Different people have different motives.
    Some people ask out of curiousity, some people are uncomfortable with silence, some people are manipulators and know how to fluff someone else’s ego, some people ask out of habit, and all of these people probably do the same thing at different times for different reasons with different people, consciously or not.

    Get out of his head and put the focus back on YOU – how do YOU feel?
    I believe this is important for you to ask yourself – What do YOU think it means?

    This could be a wonderful opportunity to break a pattern, it seems like the cusp of where fixation begins.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:54am

  196. 196: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    :D
    IamHis is way ahead of me
    :D

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:55am

  197. 197: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I want to feel more romance. I’ve been DOING romance, but I don’t feel I’ve been receiving it. My fault is giving romance, creating romance, talking romance but not visualizing receiving romance. I’ve seen where HScd has been romantic but I want more. This is a how to you get your needs met moment! I want to feel utterly desired and I feel that visualizing it will allow me to lean back and change my vibe. It has to be about me, not what I want to receive from him. Danger is that I want to receive this from HScd and no one else. I don’t want another man romancing me or pursuing me with desire. But if I change my vibe this is likely to happen. This is the flip side of cding! ALL men pick up your vibe!!! HScd and I are intensely close and I don’t feel like any drama or playing games, so I cd on a very basic level. I don’t reach out to other men but interact with those that reach out to me and those I interact with. Men do feel the presence of other men toward you, and that is the key to cding, keeping your vibe in a receiving mode and not leaning forward. So keeping in a vibe of wanting to be desired and romanced is a bouncing flame near the fuse of any guy who dares to lean in close! I only want to set off one fuse in particular, but this is the siren way I have chosen. So badly feel like staying home but venture out I must!! It will prove to be an interesting siren day!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:58am

  198. 198: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena I feel in agreement with you.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:59am

  199. 199: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel arrogant saying this, but he seemed like, mesmorized by me. We seriously just sat there in silence for I don’t know how long.

    It felt so good just to feel everything. It felt good to just be, and to have it feel like time was moving so deliciously slowly.

    My masculine mind is all wondering what it means, but my feminine body feels amazing, and really doesn’t care that much…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:03am

  200. 200: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: I would go to girl’s night if I were you. Why change your plans for a man who hasn’t reached out to you? You should do what you normally do and be with your friends. It’s not leaning forward, it’s doing what you do every Wednesday.

    ” I don’t know where his head is at, how he is feeling.”

    You don’t really need to know any of that. That’s HIS stuff and not really something you need to take responsibility for.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:21am

  201. 201: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Are you ready to learn the technique? Okay then, here we go, but first let me warn you that the simplicity of the methods can be deceiving. There is a synergistic effect when the three factors below are combined. None of these factors seem all that amazing by themselves, but together they yield an amazing result.

    1. Release all intentions. Open your mind to experience whatever thoughts naturally arise in your mind in response to the words of the other person you are communicating with.

    2. Become fully interested in the present moment as it unfolds. Release any thoughts about the past or the future so you can bring your mind back to rest on the unfolding experience of communicating right now.

    3. Speak whatever thoughts come up naturally. Converse as if there was no point to the conversation other than the joy of conversation itself.

    I want to emphasize that this method requires that you fully appreciate and enjoy the conversation as an experience of shared oneness with another human being. It’s the relaxation and the joy that emanates from this non-manipulative form of communication that automatically draws the other person to the same wavelength, the same positive experience.

    This method has profound effects. It lowers stress, lowers defensiveness, and increases feelings of intimacy. The method draws much of its strength from the experience it generates-one of shared appreciation of the present moment.

    Cultivating the qualities that come with present moment awareness can lead to amazing advantages in attracting an ideal partner.

    James Bauer

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:26am

  202. 202: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: 201 – I need to practice more of that. I’m going to read it about 100 times today to remind myself. Thank you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:31am

  203. 203: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes_
    Thanks, I THINK I will go….did you happen to see my big mess up I had on Sunday w M? :( That’s the source of my being uncomfortable. But yeah, holding my head up and gonna do my thing. Althought I know its gonna be 20 questions w my friend tonight cause she will assume M will be hanging w me. And he might, but if not she’s gonna start in on it…..

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:42am

  204. 204: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: Yes. I saw it. You won’t know until you see him how that will go so no need to worry in advance about it. With your friend, I think you have a few options. You could tell her things might be uncomfortable with M and you could tell her why. You could tell her things might be uncomfortable and you could ask her to respect your privacy and give it some time until you are ready to talk about it. You could say nothing to her and stress and hope that it all turns out well and she never knows a things. You could decide you are going to say nothing, release the stress and handle whatever happens in the moment.

    Only you can decide. If it were me, I’d prepare her a little to minimize the risk of things getting really awkward in the moment.

    After that, just let it all go and have a great time. M will handle his emotions all by himself. Your friend will do what she does with or without your life being involved in it and YOU will be who you are regardless of them both. So be a happy you and have fun. Life is too short to stress over a little text argument. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:49am

  205. 205: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes_
    Thank you. :) Between you and Elsie I’m feeling pretty strong and sure if myself. Even if I do break down and cry still lol, but I’m a very emotional person sooo I’ll take what I can get. IRS so weird that I cry so much cause I’ve been referred to as such a hard ass too….how can I be both mush and hard? Lol.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:58am

  206. 206: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    OK I”m in meetings off and on all day so I’ll do this piecemeal – and NME I promise I’llw rite this afternoon to you!

    OK first I want to say this to Syriana:

    You said……A commitment to what though? Usually a commitment to I am just seeing you and having sex with only you for now. In the mans case, meaning I am happy to make that commitment for now but am making no future promises that I will want to make a commitment to be with you forever.

    I am here to tell you that a man (or woman) can also promise marriage. Be engaged….heck be MARRIED for all that matters, and that doesnt mean commitment. People cheat. People lie. People CHANGE their minds later on.

    All you ahve to know is whether or not you trust the person in front of you that they are with you at this moment. And that commitment is to be with you now, and in the future – but that can always change….trust me I know – EVEN if you are ALREADY married and vows were made.

    Sorry but its a bit of a touchy subject for me to think that once you get engaged or married something magically makes everything different.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:10am

  207. 207: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Having been married I completely agree with Elsie here.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:12am

  208. 208: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Nme
    How would you feel about having your girls night someplace else? It might be more comfortable plus he might miss your not being there

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:29am

  209. 209: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda_
    I’ve concidered that. I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand I feel like, this is the place I’ve picked for the last 7 months to have my Wed nights. It’s close to my house and I’m comfortable (usually lol) there. I don’t want a man to “chase” me out, or move because of a man. BUT I really do want to change MYSELF and see what happens w M, so then I think….maybe not going is better. Although I’m not going for him, he might perceive it that way. I don’t honestly have the right answer …guess that’s why I’m asking all if your opinion haha.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:37am

  210. 210: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: In my opinion, if you change your plans (or location) because of this situation, he will believe you are avoiding him and that most likely won’t feel good. I don’t see how he could feel comfortable reaching out to you if you show him you don’t want to see or talk to him by avoiding him and going to a different place. Right now, he’s probably very certain he is going to see you tonight and most likely wants to take that opportunity to talk to you. To him, it won’t feel like he’s reaching out so much but it will still allow him to be in control of the situation some. I think if you avoid him, between that and the not contacting him, you will be sending the message that you are not interested in communicating about this.

    Others: On commitment. J and I have a lifelong commitment without an official legal marriage and that’s our intent. We don’t know if we will ever get married, but at the moment, neither of us are feeling the need or desire. It does not make us any less committed than anyone else we know.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:46am

  211. 211: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I guess if you can go without obsessing about his reaction, etc, it can work.
    I for one, probably couldn’t handle it.l

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:56am

  212. 212: nme008No Gravatar says:

    A little confused…is Linda and Linda G the same person?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:09am

  213. 213: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    You asked for some thoughts about how several people cancelled on your event. First of all that sounds really tough and want to send you hugs!!!

    I have read several of your posts over time and what I sense is a similar feeling in many of them of not belonging that keeps showing up.

    The first thing that comes to me is taking a look at the work of Byron Katie. She has you ask four questions to whatever situation and can then see it In a completely different way. I highly suggest using the worksheet that walks you through the process and is downloadable. Just google those and should easily find them. Watching YouTube videos of her working with people in the work is also helpful.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:13am

  214. 214: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    Zara 130 from the link

    “There’s only one thing happening. You are being driven by some kind of subconscious traumatic response that is trying to punish you and the only question and to get into a really basic spiritual way of looking at this.

    When you’re in a situation that is making you unhappy, the only place to go is to ask yourself – “Where am I not forgiving myself?”

    Now, I know that sounds weird, but we get ourselves into situations, believe it or not, because we choose them, because we want them on some deep subconscious body level that we don’t know of. I mean it sounds ridiculous. Of course I want love. Why would I choose not love, but there’s something in us that chooses not love.

    “It comes from our background. The teachers that were terrible to us. Anything that happened and going back and pulling that old stuff up actually makes things worse. That old fashioned therapy is pretty much disproven now. Going back there and digging up the crap makes you worse.

    What has to happen is you have to move forward and somehow allow yourself to be triggered so badly that you shift. That you are actually willing to make a change rather than just sit in the normal kind of misery that a lot of us just get hanging in.”

    “Anything that happened and going back and pulling that old stuff up actually makes things worse. That old fashioned therapy is pretty much disproven now. Going back there and digging up the crap makes you worse.”

    This bit struck a cored and I want to explore and ask what is meant here.

    As old trauma does and has come up for me since doing the tools. So if it comes up to the surface and you are no longer stuffing it down, ignoring it, minimizing it, HOW do you get to the point to not going back there? As by in coming to the surface you have by effect gone back there. And evertime I acknowledge or talk about it, it’s like I go back there over and over again and relive it. HELP! I don’t know what to do to stop this happening. What was the old fashioned therapy? What is considered to work better today. I want to move forward with this.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:18am

  215. 215: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    i feel really proud of myself and I feel pouty that I’m not getting more attention. What I did feels huge to me.

    (((((((((IamHis)))))))))))))))

    I feel embarrassed for being so self-absorbed.

    but as someone who used to majorly neglect herself, is that such a bad thing?

    I’m going to go with “no” here.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:36am

  216. 216: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Mercedes_

    I am not quite sure if he expects to see me. Although it’s my wed night place I haven’t been going out every week this past month….but when I do it is here, and I was there last week. So you may be right.

    But also as I said he can’t drive his car when he drinks so on pool nights his best friend picks him up and takes him home. So if pool ends early he won’t be there when I get there. A lot of if’s, lol.

    You know what? If my girlfriend wants to go, I’ll go. If he is there, I’ll say hi and smile. If he talks to me, he talks to me….if not…I’ll deal with it in the moment.

    And I’m sure later emotions will be swirling inside of me but I’m not gonna let my “crazy” show. So to speak haha.

    Quick question: Do you think a “place” can be toxic on a relationship? Because of things that have happened there or people that are there?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:44am

  217. 217: nme008No Gravatar says:

    IamHis_
    What did you do? Are you looking for attention from someone in your life over this or on the blog? I looked back to see if I missed something you were talking about lol.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:47am

  218. 218: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena,

    I know you didn’t ask me, however you are asking and do going to offer my thoughts. The old fashioned therapy would basically be the idea of soending weeks, months if not years going through old history and experiences to figure out things so you could fix where you are today.

    There are many healing modalities today that can get you moving in action right away. First off since we are on rori’s site, there is coaching especially one on one if possible. Rori’s programs are all great.

    EFT -emotional freedom technique also known as tapping can be pretty incredible. There are many YouTube videos giving you easy instruction and there are also people you can work with. It works with healing feelings from past events stuck in our bodies and utilizes meridian points that acupuncturists use without the needles.

    And there is.NLP – neuron linguistic programming and hypnotherapy. These work to release hidden negative lfeelings fairly quickly. All three modalities work with negative feelings and patterns stuck in the subconscious There are many other modalities and many people who can help you with them. I hope this helps!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:53am

  219. 219: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know, I felt my feelings, spoke my feelings, didn’t try to control the outcome.

    and maybe both? and more? attention from someone in my life and in this blog and anywhere I can get it.

    I don’t know.

    I feel embarrassed and kind of panicky for some reason…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:53am

  220. 220: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena – 188 – I feel sad that you see men in this way. yes this exists, in men and women for that matter. Yet there are many men and women too who do not look at not being married as a for now relationship until maybe something better shows up.

    K and I were in for life and only got married very recently because of how the laws are structured which became increasingly an interference.

    If this weren’t so, we probably would not have married, and our commitment, our loyalty to each other would be just as profound. I feel no difference from before.

    And I am not alone here. I know of maybe couples who are not married, yet they are clearly together for life, no question.

    Marriage can be the be all end all for some, yet for others, it isn’t, the love and deep connection is.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:56am

  221. 221: nme008No Gravatar says:

    IamHis_
    I wish I could be as in tune with my feelings as it seems you are. I never know what I’m really feeling in the moment and therefore miss opportunities to use feeling messages, at least the right way. Or most effective way.

    Was the guy your referring to Jack? Is that the right name?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:58am

  222. 222: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca

    I honestly do feel for you. If you are doing anything “wrong” I would say you are giving thoughts, energy, space in your life, to ideas and people, and certainly what you think *they think*, than they deserve.

    It is ok to fully love and accept yourself *just* the way you are. It is ok to choose very carefully the people you allow into your life, and to strive for kindness towards, yet *not being too bothered by* everyone else.

    I wonder, are you driving yourself crazy with the negative thoughts you think other people are thinking? Let it go. People are thoughtless, self-involved, but rarely malicious. Be easier, strive for a lightness in your thoughts.

    hugs to you

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:59am

  223. 223: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    nme – 191 – It’s not your up to you to try to get into his head. He’s going to think what he thinks and feel what he feels. There’s nothing you can do about this.

    Yet know this – most men DO NOT hold onto things like most women do.

    If you want to go out, go. Try not to worry about whether he will or will not be there or will or will not act strangely.

    If you go, and he’s there, you can still be open and warm, in receiving mode.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:00am

  224. 224: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Quick question: Do you think a “place” can be toxic on a relationship? Because of things that have happened there or people that are there?

    My feeling is a place can be toxic if it triggers you to go back to old or yucky stuff.
    I have been known to get rid of clothes (usually selling it on ebay) if it triggered some unpleasant event or relationship.

    But later, I missed my dress, etc. i have an emotional attachment to clothes, as you see.

    If you can go back to the place and work through your feelings, the triggers will dissolve. A much healthier state to be in.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:04am

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis I am wondering if you could go under the panic and embarassment to see if there is more there?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:05am

  226. 226: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Sooo little story for you all….not sure what to do with it now haha..

    I had gone out one night w a bunch a friends to a huge bar/club/mall (hard to explain, it’s Xfinity Live if anyone is from my area) and had a great time. Kept getting looks from a guy and was totally feeling him (he worked there, head of security, we’ll call him XM) we talked a little and flirted and he said we’d find eachother later. Well as embaressing as this is (and it really was) I got really wasted, like sick wasted. Ended up getting flagged by XM and we all had to leave. haha….horrible!!! Anyway maybe a month or so later I went there again w a group of friend and saw XM again! He was really happy and remembered me, asked for my number and was texting me the next day. He asked me out and it was all yay, good stuff. Well the day of our date he canceled. Said something really important came up. I was disapointed and went out to my usual Wed night….that is the night I ended up hooking up w M! Soooo the next time XM reached out I didn’t respond. OK so fast forward to January when M and I broke up for that one weekend, I went to Xfinity and saw XM again. He told me I looked amazing and we talked breifly. The next day he text and said although it wasn’t super serious he was talking to someone and felt he should see what happens there before talking to me again. I told him I respected that and just broke up with my bf and need time too since I really cared about M still. So we left it at if things didn’t work for him and that girl and I was single we’d see what happens then. Well 2 weeks ago he text me…M and I are together so I didn’t respond. ….HE JUST TEXT ME AGAIN NOW. Is the world trying to tell me something!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:08am

  227. 227: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Linda G – In my mind I am hearing Rori’s voice on Reconnect Your Relationship saying “you want to be triggered”.

    I feel unsure that a place can be toxic except a place with asbestos or some substance that is toxic to our flesh.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:09am

  228. 228: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme

    Mercedes has given some great advice here!

    I think if he is there, it’s a great opportunity to practice feeling what you are feeling in the moment. The pounding heart, the nervousness, the uncertainty as to how it’s going to turn out. I would just go, and feel all of that, and let him do what he does.

    I don’t know, if it were me, I would think he is essentially the one who has created this space, and I wouldn’t be in any way a different person on account of that! I have to say, if you don’t mind me saying, I would feel very funny indeed not having seen my boyfriend for 2 weeks plus.

    hugs to you! x

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:11am

  229. 229: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @225 Feminine woman – I think I just feel scared. Really scared. I feel alone and unsure and like I’m questioning my sanity. I hate that feeling. :(

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:13am

  230. 230: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “Do you think a “place” can be toxic on a relationship?”

    In my case yes, it was very toxic.

    My heart feels achy. I know a guy can feel flattered by a woman’s constant attention. But why would he not feel repelled by a woman that’s controlling the relationship and him. I feel D’s new thing is doomed because of these reasons and also she’s more into him than he is for her. And what does all this say about me. What’s the message from all this heartache and trauma? I had a dream about him when we first got together. He was leaning down over me and I couldn’t get away. I thought he was going to kill me. I feel kinda numb now. Not sure if it’s the breakup shock or if a part of me really did die. Wish I listened to my intuition and had the courage to leave before all this damage to my core being. That’s the only lesson I’m getting right now.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:14am

  231. 231: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Well the day of our date he canceled. Said something really important came up – this is a huge red flag for me.

    So we left it at if things didn’t work for him and that girl and I was single we’d see what happens then – hhhmmm emmm I wonder how this looks to a woman with high self esteem who puts her heart first?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:15am

  232. 232: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Dominique_

    Thank you! I am for sure going outside of my comfort zone by going there not knowing what to expect. But I guess thats where having no expectations comes in right? lol. I’m sure I’ll post tomorrow as to what happens. I’m gonna focus all my energy on me today and make sure I’m in really good place tonight. No negative feelings, all warm and receiving!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:15am

  233. 233: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I always felt like this growing up. wondering if I could trust my perceptions, trust my instincts, trust myself.

    sometimes I feel like the entire world is lying to me and/or trying to pull me down…

    :(

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:15am

  234. 234: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I think I feel scared too, of realizing my own power and living up to my true potential, and how much people might hate me for it.

    sometimes I feel like people hate me for my honesty, hate me for my bravery, hate me for my beauty.

    and it’s not that I think that I’m all that and a bag of chips. I certainly don’t. I am COMPLETELY aware of my multitude of flaws.

    but people just seem to want to zero in on those, and undermine my gifts, undermine my wonderfulness, undermine me, and it makes me feel FURIOUS.

    I wonder who I really mean by “people”

    I feel teary…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:19am

  235. 235: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_231_ I’m agree, it was a huge red flag. That’s why I didn’t even respond when he reached out again. Yes I was w M but I typically would have responded regaurdless to tell him my situation had changed. However I didn’t think he deserved it.

    But the second part of your post? I don’t get. Expand a little there? Are you saying I have low self esteem? I’m not sure. As to my heart? It’s not involved, I hardley know him. As of now it’s just attraction.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:21am

  236. 236: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – I thought of you when they were talking about realtionships and marriage – and how you are committed, and also @Dominique – I thought of you too! :)

    Now, I’m the marrying kind….haha….but I can see how that doesnt last either in my situation, but I just dont want to live with someone – hey thats me, and I think if it works for others great. :)

    NME – I think you should TOTALLY go to this place and see him. He will then see that you have tucked the crazy back in (as I say) and that you are calm cool, and collected. You are warm and open and you can say hi and be nice. Its a great opportunity to be normal and see him and have him see that you arent all crazy and mad etc. I say go…and practice the tools :)

    Thats my two cents. :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:22am

  237. 237: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis – those aren’t feelings they are thoughts. You are all that an a bag of chips. Your words remind me of the Marianne Williamson quote

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    Remember mistakes are the process of life. People zero in on the negative because of how their brains are wired but making yourself small is not serving anyone.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:24am

  238. 238: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie your second set of comments about going to that place is suggestive of strategizing to me. Also my humble opinion is nme seems to suggest that when she goes out she drinks. When drinks get involved sometimes we do things and be in a way that normally we aren’t.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:28am

  239. 239: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo_
    THANK YOU!!! lol. I’ve seen him 2 times, once was last Wed and it was brief, he was playing pool so it was really only a few minutes of chatting and a kiss. Then Sat when he was working and you all know about that night. Ugg.

    But tonight is MINE!!! What happens happens. I need to stop stressing. I’m feeling good.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:29am

  240. 240: ALANo Gravatar says:

    THIS bears repeating:

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    “Remember mistakes are the process of life. People zero in on the negative because of how their brains are wired but making yourself small is not serving anyone.”

    Never feeling loved enough or for who I am has been a common theme for my relationships. It’s because I make myself small. I want to learn to speak up for myself more.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:30am

  241. 241: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    nme I am not saying anything about you. I am just musing, thinking about Rori in Reconnect talking about a woman with high self esteem. She asks her clients to just think for a moment if they could see such a woman reaching out to a man and saying certain things to him. As such I am wondering if such a woman would make a deal with a man who has a woman. A deal that basically suggests to him she could possibly be a backup option for him if things don’t work out. I am wondering if I am an irresistible woman out living my life if I could plant in his hand that maybe by the time he is ready there will still be no man attracted to me. Just wondering what I would do given the same circumstances……..

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:33am

  242. 242: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((((((((((((ALA))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Do you believe you are worthy? Do you know what your beliefs around love are?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:36am

  243. 243: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    A question: a guy is making plans with me for the 1st date. We agreed on the place and day, and then he emails with the final setup and includes his phone number, saying I can respond by email or text/call him. Is it axgood move to email back and say thank you for the email, will feel easier to coordinate on the spot, or do I need to disclose my number as well?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:38am

  244. 244: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    “You are all that an a bag of chips.” Thanks, FW. :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:38am

  245. 245: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_
    I do drink when I go out, it’s a bar. I do not however get drunk unless I feel comfortable doing so and have a designated driver. Tonight would not be a night I felt comfortable letting loose that much and getting drunk.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:39am

  246. 246: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Most men I know, when he is working, he is focussed on working. Going there expecting him to spend enough time to recognize something, especially if he is working, is setting oneself up for disappointment is my opinion. A man creates space in a relationship because the woman won’t do it is what I believe. When the man creates space, I believe it is best to allow him the space. It is during the space that he ends up thinking about the woman and possibly falling in love. Showing up unannounced can be a recipe for disaster. I don’t believe the man is sitting around thinking “O this is Wednesday when she normally shows up”. If he does not invite you I don’t believe he is mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with you. Just my humble opinion.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:42am

  247. 247: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo are you suggesting you would be going out with someone with whom you have not spoken to on the phone?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:44am

  248. 248: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_241_

    THank you for explaining your thoughts. Funny how different people view things differently. To me I respected that even though he was really attracted to me he didn’t continue to talk to me and set up a date when he was talking to another woman. And I honestly had no right doing that either, M and I had broken up the night before, I was raw. It would have been a rebound. And I didn’t want that. The way we left it was he was going to see what happened with the woman he was with and I was going to see what happened w M and in the end if we ended up single at the same time we’d see what happened. I felt really good about our last exchange. It felt respectful and honest, not at all as a back up plan.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:45am

  249. 249: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_
    I agree with what you said. I am NOT going there for him BUT it is a good opportunity to show the crazy is in check lol.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:47am

  250. 250: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    nme I can’t claim to know how attraction works for every man but I wonder if a man claims he is really attracted to me while really attracted enough to be sleeping with another woman, I wonder if it is a pattern he is playing out and will play the same pattern out with me as well?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:48am

  251. 251: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    to show the crazy is in check – This is loaded with doing not “being”. I imagine that it will leak out in the vibe and the man might end up wondering “why is she trying so hard”.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:50am

  252. 252: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “to show the crazy is in check” – I wonder what Dominique, Daria, and Rori would say about this comment.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:51am

  253. 253: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo a person’s voice can say a lot about them. There are certain tones and depths that I find attractive. Though this might sound petty, I find high pitched, or monotone really boring and grating on my nerve. I have never agreed to go on a date with a man that I haven’t spoken. After email I will put my number out there. Sometimes the guy calls once and never call again. I am not afraid of giving someone my number.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:56am

  254. 254: ALANo Gravatar says:

    242 – FW, not at this time. Something to contemplate today while working. Thx. xoxo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:12am

  255. 255: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_250

    It’s just dating. Not everyone takes the CD road. If he is seeing someone he should see it through, that could be the girl for him. When you find you “one” it doesn’t mean you don’t find others attractive. And if he was dating me I’d appreciate him showing me the same respect.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:12am

  256. 256: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_

    As for tonight. M is not working. He works on Sat nights. He is on a pool league and they play at this bar on Wed nights. It’s how we met. I go there with my girlfriends and he plays pool. Even when things were great we wouldn’t spend the whole night together. He did his pool thing and I hung with my friends. When he was done around 10:30 he’d come over and see me and even then he’d hang w his friends and me. It’s not some place he has to invite me to. We didn’t go together there.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:15am

  257. 257: nme008No Gravatar says:

    And “crazy in check” is more a saying at least for me. It means even when my emotions are swamping me and I’m unsure about them and want to pull him in cause I feel distance I don’t. I breath and relax and try and stay in the moment…and THAT is BEING. For me.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:17am

  258. 258: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    re:75

    Things with FavoriteCD are delightfully fantastic. We seems to be what each has been looking for. Last week end – I told him that I was so glad that I had met him… he replied… ” I have been looking for you for 30 years” !

    One of the things that I have put into practice with this relationship is whenever he intiates affection. I stop whatever I am doing everytime and melt into it. He commented that one of his favorite things about me is that he can feel how I feel about him when he wraps his arms around me. Yum…

    That tool really works and speaks loudly. I will post more later. Things are just plain old good right now.!

    Whoo HOO

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:22am

  259. 259: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine woman

    I feel unsure that a place can be toxic except a place with asbestos or some substance that is toxic to our flesh.

    Toxic in that it triggers you.
    Of course much of our environment is actually toxic, but I am speaking metaphorically/Rori toxic

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:22am

  260. 260: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, yes, going to a date without speaking on the phone. Voice is important, I agree, but not a deal breaker for me. We exchanged several emails.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:27am

  261. 261: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    “So we left it at if things didn’t work for him and that girl and I was single we’d see what happens then – hhhmmm emmm I wonder how this looks to a woman with high self esteem who puts her heart first?”

    This would bother me. I don’t like feeling like a back up plan. However I wouldn’t even comment and if he calls you down the line and you are free/not in a committed relationship, I would accept and not even bring it up. His dating someone se has nothing to do with you.

    This is how I see it, anyway

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:29am

  262. 262: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda G_
    LOL, I’m pretty sure that was understood. As for why I asked that? Well I’m gonna call the bar we met at the Inn. We met at the Inn, but I also met R at the Inn and R & M are friends (I didn’t know till after I was with M) R is not a huge fan of me. Also this is where the one incident happend that M and I broke up over the one time. M works here on occasion, next month is his last month, and has played pool there for 10 yrs. When I’m there and he is not it’s all eyes on me and EVERYTHING gets told to him. I don’t do anything wrong just saying it may be a bad place for us. I don’t know….just musing out load and wondering.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:30am

  263. 263: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda G_261_

    It didn’t bother me at all. At that time I was more interested in seeing what would happen with M then XM anyway. It worked for me. Honestly I wished him the best, if that was his person why would I ever want to come in between it anyway. The problem now is he is contacting me so it would seem he is not with whoever he was dating. But I’m at this weird point with M. For me it would be cheating on M to go out with XM because I am committed to him. And even texting him back seems wrong cause I wouldn’t want M to do that in my shoes. Untill things are clear with M I’m staying faithful. That’s my choice here.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:35am

  264. 264: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I was “Linda” for a bit then I added the “G” when another Linda, whom everybody already knew posted

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:54am

  265. 265: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Nme; it is my feeling we need to go to places we feel comfortable in, not where we feel spied on and self conscious

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:57am

  266. 266: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo it might not necessarily be a dealbreaker but could give you a clue of who the person is and if you might feel attracted to the person. The topic he chooses and how he responds to your feeling messages can tell you something about him and if you actually want to go out with him. I would encourage you to talk to people before agreeing to meet. It kinda sets the stage. Someone who is afraid of intimacy could hide behind emails, also communition could be kept at that level if the other person doesn’t think you are important enough. I dunno I would let him know it would feel good to hear his voice before meeting. He is open enough to give you his number. It could also be an opportunity to share that you feel comfortable with the man leading the communication. When I read your initial comment it struck me that responding to him would be “giving back”. Just odd that you have not spoken. I tend to speak for a little while before agreeing to meet.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:00pm

  267. 267: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    nme008 – I wish you luck and strength for tonight. I hope you enjoy yourself and your friends and all the other stuff can take care of itself.
    Linda 258 – yay
    Dominique and Mercedes – In Rori’s Breakup and Divorce articles there is the following question that is meant to shift how we understand a breakup situation:
    - Can I imagine a Happy Ever After just by how it feels and not at all how it ‘looks’?
    It’s been a struggle to imagine this since I’m so visual (ha ha) but also because it’s a new question for me (major growth potential possible here). I imagine I would feel free and that my body would be sooooo relaxed. I suspect that there would be more of me. I would feel excited that there’s almost limitless exploration of the relationship and of each other. But that’s all thinking and hypothesizing. I’m not feeling any feelings around it. Would you mind telling me how it feels for you so that I can get more of a grasp on how I would feel?

    _____
    Man I really need to work on getting excited about my life. I’ve been trying to imagine these scenarios and trying to imagine my enthusiastic self being all passionate about my life so I can feel what that would feel like. There is such a huge difference. Lots to get into for the next couple of days.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:21pm

  268. 268: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    femininewoman 253~ are you saying you’d literally not give a guy a chance based solely on the tone of his voice?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:37pm

  269. 269: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica: I don’t think my relationship feels any different than it would if we were married. It doesn’t “feel” anything in particular to be this way I don’t think.

    I do feel very, very grateful that he and I are on the same page with marriage though. I’m sooooo happy we agree on that. I’ve had friends who wanted so much to get married and their men weren’t ready and there ended up being a lot of pressure put on the guys, etc. I’m glad J and I don’t have to deal with that.

    I guess what I’m saying is we are no different than a married couple. We have a strong commitment that feels good to us and we don’t feel a need to change anything about that. My guess is that it feels exactly the way it would feel if we did get married. I can’t imagine a marriage changing anything about how we feel at all.

    To me, this stuff you wrote has nothing to do with marriage or the lack of marriage. It sounds like just a fantastic relationship and isn’t dependent on marriage at all: “I imagine I would feel free and that my body would be sooooo relaxed. I suspect that there would be more of me. I would feel excited that there’s almost limitless exploration of the relationship and of each other.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:48pm

  270. 270: Shar Lean Way BackNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, 258

    Thanks for the update :) this sounds great !

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:53pm

  271. 271: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oh no CurvySiren. Is that what it sounds like?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:54pm

  272. 272: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    To be honest though I have spoken to one guy who sounded like he was on his deathbed. His profile picture didn’t look quite good so I might have already been biased. Yet with the two things together I did not feel like meeting him. I was happy he did not call back.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 12:59pm

  273. 273: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I talked w/ Zen on the phone. Didn’t feel a big attraction to his voice. Although it helps me understand their written words better after talking with them. Not sure if I would meet w/ someone without talking first. Just to get a better idea who they are as a person. I do get more judgmental about little things after talking. Getting more discernment I should be paying attention to… with practice!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:02pm

  274. 274: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I also remember telling on guy to talk like a man. He was using a bi of a high pitched tone. We remained friends and it is a running joke between us. It was with him that I clearly identified that I feel deeply turned on by a masculine deep voice. That to me is sexy and attractive. My singingcd has one and I find it extremely easy to appreciate and complement.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:05pm

  275. 275: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    This is how I used to handle dealing with matches. I would call they guy, but restrict my number. That way, I kept myself feeling safe and I got to know what they sounded like & a sense of whether we’d still get along or not. I felt uneasy about giving my phone number out until I knew the guy better. Most guys were understanding about this. The guys who weren’t – well, it was a good, yellow flag!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:06pm

  276. 276: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    Not much new to report on my mom. They THINK they got the seizures under control, but she’s doing some twitching, so more tests needed. But, if she is having them, much less than they were. They took her off sedation yesterday, but not much purposeful movement yet. She was on a huge dose of it, so hoping that is delaying her waking up, but it feels extremely overwhelming and scary to see her like this. The doctors have prepared us that she may not recover. It’s such a hard thing to go through.

    Sweetheart is trying his best to be supportive. I’m so stressed out though, some of it is getting on my nerves. I am just tired and worn out.. it’s not really him. I also tend to retreat and need more time alone or with just my girls when I’m upset….. so I explained that to him. I just need him to back off sometimes. He’ll call me three times in a row if I don’t respond to a text, or I’ll have to repeat myself because he either forgets or doesn’t pay attention…. just frustrating. I’m taking care of me though, taking space, contacting him when I can or want to talk, sharing how I feel, and I know his intentions are good, he just doesn’t know what to say. My family is all really bonding together in this though, and that feels good. My ex-husband and his family are also being supportive, which I appreciate. Mr. Conversation has been in contact, asking about my mom, offering support and help. I haven’t taken him up on it, but does feel good to hear. I heard from Mike2 also, wanting to help… which, seems odd to me since he’s now married and we only dated a few months, about 2 years ago.. Not one word from Tom though, and it’s all over my facebook page. That was an eye opener. I didn’t expect that, especially since his mom is in an assisted living home.

    Oh well, I’m hanging in, trying to remain hopeful and get through each day as it comes.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:22pm

  277. 277: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, did you think that letting a man lead communication sometimes can be accepting his desire to meet before talking on the phone?
    If I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet him based on his profile and emails, I wouldn’t have;)

    So you’re suggesting not to ‘give back’, I e not to give him my number in my reply? To go with my initial intention to thank him for the # and confirm the date?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:25pm

  278. 278: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    NVs are buzzing all around me like the flying monkeys in wizard of oz! AHHHHHHHHHH

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:25pm

  279. 279: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways, tell me about it;) the same as my memories of dumbcd.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:28pm

  280. 280: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – totally feel you on this one! I’m swatting at them, but they won’t go away LOL

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:29pm

  281. 281: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so puzzled with all this passiveness. I feel it was part of the reason dumbcd lost his interest. Because different men want different things! When I am passive I attract men who want to control me.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:31pm

  282. 282: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways I don’t know what caused your NVs but I believe in gut feelings. What if you try something different this time? Take a break from FM’s;) ok just a ‘crazy’ thought lol

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:40pm

  283. 283: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – I feel the same way about passiveness. Rather than passive, I receive from men. I do what I want, say what I feel (after processing it) but I receive. It’s not passive actually. Do how you feel. It has to be about you. If you feel like grabbing him and kissing him, and you really feel that way, then do it. My aggressive nature is deep rooted, so balancing that with feminine energy has taken some strategy on my part :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:43pm

  284. 284: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I’ll tell you about my NVs – I could do well to share it. It’s silly, really, but bothering the heck out me: HScd and I were in bed and I suggested we do something in particular that he likes that I had been hesitant to do before. He made a comment that suggested that he did that with other people and each person is different. WHAT?????? so then later I said I thought about what you said and I’ve decided I no longer desire to do that with you any more. Yes, my aggressive nature got the best of me. So today we started to have an issue and he said he would call back but didn’t, so these nasty NVs are buzzing all around me, reminding of me of my little mean things I’ve done lately. Hmmmm – I guess it feels good to share that and get it out of my head

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:47pm

  285. 285: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – Oh I wasn’t asking in relation to being married or not married. I should have put that in. I was asking more about what it feels like for you in your relationship where both of you are committed to each other.

    But thank you for replying. I was feeling concerned that I could only hypothesize and I wasn’t feeling my way through this. Maybe I should sit with this a bit more.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:49pm

  286. 286: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling a ball of dread in my stomach…clenching in my chest. I need to relax and breath. Right now I feel like M and I have broken up with no closure. Cause how can you have a relationship without communication or seeing eachother?im trying to be strong and not have expectations but I’m really scared.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:51pm

  287. 287: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways, RELAX! Please;) he will call. Let him process or maybe he is just busy? He got it perfectly well why you said what you said, believe me;) a little rejection is ok, really.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 1:59pm

  288. 288: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways, yes, this is why I hate myself so much now;)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:09pm

  289. 289: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 252 – I don’t know what this means.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:10pm

  290. 290: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica: Oh…I see…I misunderstood. Well, to me, my relationship feels very spontaneous yet also comfortable. It feels freeing yet also secure. It feels fun yet also supportive. It feels joyful yet also peaceful. It feels like I am the most blessed woman on the planet.

    And…I think that’s probably how it feels no matter who you are when you are with the person you are supposed to be with. :)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:10pm

  291. 291: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling thrilled inside around my life right now! Yet tonight I’m overwhelmed with work. It feels easier to just stop than to work late into the night. I’m going to go to bed and revel in my yummy feeling from the energy I have received today from amb. I’m creating a deep feeling existence for myself, and I love myself for that ((me))

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:13pm

  292. 292: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Okay I see nme in 257. Maybe it’s the wording which is a bit problematic. I understand what you mean, yet it sounds like you’re stuffing feelings which isn’t really what you’re doing.

    What you might do to switch your consciousness around this is to allow all the crazy stuff to flow through you and then on out of you. You get to choose which feeling to release and which one to sink more deeply into.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:14pm

  293. 293: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – don’t hate yourself, love that part of you, it’s beautiful!!!! He could not appreciate or deal with that beautiful part of you. Don’t down play it, embrace and allow the universe to bring someone better your way.

    Im going to try to relax. Those NVs are easing up a little now.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:18pm

  294. 294: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    nme: breathe…slowly and deeply. Remember how much you love being out with the girls. Enjoy your night. Allow the world to see you when you are in your element.

    And then maybe understand that if your boyfriend is the kind of guy who would “break up” with you by just never making contact with you again…well…he’s probably not the right guy for you anyway.

    I’m getting the feeling you are hoping to see him tonight and that you are holding expectations of how you want to see that go and your imagination is running wild on you. (that is a projection but also sort of a “feeling” I’m getting).

    I would like to encourage you to enjoy girl’s night without including him in the thought process of that plan.

    Oh…and breathe….deeply and slowly. ;)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:19pm

  295. 295: ALANo Gravatar says:

    oooh, we get to choose what we want to feel! This excites me!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:19pm

  296. 296: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica – 267 – This isn’t an easy question to answer. Initially there was more excitement, yet much of this excitement was anxiety caused, my insecurities taking over.

    Things have morphed into a far more peaceful feeling place. There is a wonderful isness to how I feel. Yet I still feel happy and delighted every night when he comes home from work. I still get smiley and pitter patter feelings when I get an email during the day.

    Sometimes I can feel deeply connected, almost as one. Other times I can feel completely disconnected though in both these instances, it’s ALL me, what’s happening with me. And I can feel all kinds of in between.

    I feel safe. I feel adored and cherished. I feel content.

    I don’t know it this is helping at all.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:21pm

  297. 297: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “Memulo – don’t hate yourself, love that part of you, it’s beautiful!!!! He could not appreciate or deal with that beautiful part of you. Don’t down play it, embrace and allow the universe to bring someone better your way.”

    YES! D could never understand that part of me. The gentle currents underneath the surface or the hazardous rip-tides. Too scary for him.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:24pm

  298. 298: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Feminine woman – sorry I totally disagree. Her crazy will be in check because it REALLY IS IN CHECK. its not pretending or manipulating. Its going where you want to go….being with girlfriends….and being normal with your crazy in check.

    What in the world is the problem with that? You are leaning back, and being open and warm. The end.

    I stand by my comments and say you should go – nme.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 2:55pm

  299. 299: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @mercedes – totally love your advice to nme!!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:00pm

  300. 300: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok – now I need some help from you girls.

    As you know this last week and a half I have broken through to a whole new level in my relationship emotionally.

    I have been very vulnerable in a LOT of ways, and so far everything has been FANTASTIC.

    But I had meetings all day today – and he dealt with clients all day so we didnt have a chance to talk. At the end of the day – there was about 30 min or so before he left, and I thought he would come to my office to say goodbye and chat. (He ALWAYS either comes by to say good bye or calls me on the phone to say he is taking off for the day….very sweet.)

    But today, he didnt come by at all. And he didnt call to say he was leaving. I know he doesnt NEED to but it was weird – because now its been about 24 hours since he and i have really talked, and you know if you know my story that we talk A LOT each day…..

    So my negative voices have started. I feel so incredibly vulnerable emotionally after this last week. MORE EMOTIONAL THAN I’VE FELT IN A DECADE…and that isnt a lie. I am so vulerable and open and I really said and did a lot of things I have never done with anyone – so its just a little….

    …..well, I guess I need reassurance. And so far this last week and a half he was great at giving it – but wow – today I did see him around lunchtime, but it was nothing big, and we didnt really have an opportunity to talk – and then there was no good bye.

    And I want SO BADLY to see him tonight.

    He said that I should just ask for what I want, because he doesnt know sometimes, but why should I ask for him to come over? It feels icky and leaning forward and chasing to me, and I said I didnt like that…..but then he said he doesnt know unless I tell him….

    ….anyway – I dont know. I just want to be near him and I miss him, and I want to hang out with him tonight, but I wont text him first because I never do – its just my deal – I just cant lean in and be the boy and I’m done rowing the boat….and I love that I Have never really texted him first and have never called him first in a year and a half….. :)

    So anyway – the negative voices are LOUD.

    they are screaming that I shouldnt have done what I did – that I shouldnt have let myself get so vulnerable, that all he is going to do is hurt me (even though he promised me that I dont need to be scared and the he wanted to do this forever with me, and that he will do everything in his power never to hurt me…..and this is a man who has never ever lied to me – ever.)

    But wow – those negative voices are LOUD today.

    Just feeling really vulnerable, and wish he would have called to say good bye to me…..sniff sniff…..

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:07pm

  301. 301: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, once in a while it’s perfectly ok to suggest to meet. Just invite him over!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:23pm

  302. 302: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – I know….I just cant. I just cant stand the idea of the fact taht I would ask, and get rejected. Even if there was a legitimate excuse…..I’m too sensitive and vulnerable now. If I asked him to come over, and he said no, I would be really hurt.

    I think I need to talk to him about this. Or….I dont know maybe not.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 3:25pm

  303. 303: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe he is busy and preoccupied with something Elsie? and that is the reason you did not hear from him? Can you go watch a movie by yourself or do something fun (with your phone shut down lol).

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:00pm

  304. 304: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Stop and melt… thank you for this yummy reminder, Linda!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:16pm

  305. 305: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – I”m sure that he is. He always has a good reason for everything he does. He has never intentionally hurt me, but I guess I just feel really super vulnerable given a lot of things that happened this week that have never happened before between us – so my girlie insecurities are coming out.

    But I am remembering everything I have read and learned. Men are drawn to women who can handle their emotions. I want to be that kind of woman for him, AND for me……and just because you have an emotion does NOT mean you have to act on it in that moment, and in fact, many emotions are not even really real in the sense that after a while they fade and dont even represent what you really wanted at all……

    I guess I’mjust feeling especially emotionally vulnerable….and I need his reassurance which is silly, but I do. Or rather….I FEEl like I do….I really dont need his reassurance, I really am ok – it just would feel nice.

    The problem I am having is ….I feel like telling him what I want him to do is leaning in…..and it feels icky to me – it feels masculine….but then how can he just know what I need? He has said for me to tell him, but it just doesnt feel right now that the moment is here that I want something to tell him.

    I”m not only afraid that what I want wont show up for me but MORE IMPORTANTLY it FEELS SO MASCULINE….and I dont like that feeling…….so thats the reason that I’m not asking him to come over tonight….

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:16pm

  306. 306: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, I would love to know what you think about this …

    I’m staying at my mums at the minute whilst I’m in the process of buying my own house. she is rarely here though. Amb stays over and comes round etc but when my mums not in. Last week I needed to fill in some forms and it required me to have my passport so we had to come back, fortunately my mum wasn’t in. I think he could sense my anxiety around me not wanting him to meet my mum. If he rings the house phone I make sure I answer as I dont want him to speak to her having not been formally introduced.
    He laughed the other day and said … ‘ would it be so bad if I met your mum?’ I would love for him to meet my mum and wondered if that’s where we were at? I said I’d feel more comfy meeting his mum first. I said it happily, carefree and like hey it’ll happen one day. Thing is I’m not in a rush to do the family thing, he’ll introduce me when it’s right. My family are local though and in my daily life, he lives far away from his parents. I explained I didn’t want him to stay over whilst my mum was home as I’m not use to living with my mum as an adult and it would feel weird. He understood this.

    My question is, should I wait for him to introduce me to his family first? He’s kind of led it by saying he would be happy to meet mine.

    Then there’s my fear. My fear that I’ll introduce him to my friends and family and then he’ll disappear like strummingman did, although it feels totally different with amb. I guess I dont want to be embarrassed if it doesn’t work out.
    I’ve told my family brief things about him. But it’s still early days for me. I feel so amazing in his company and he loves that he makes me feel that way. I want to move my fear on so I can talk about and show people how amazing he makes md feel.

    I would love to hear what you think? X

    We are going away together in a few days

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:28pm

  307. 307: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I would love to hear any thoughts from other sirens? It would feel useful to have input on this :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:29pm

  308. 308: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I know you were aiming for Dominique to respond, but …

    I don’t see the big deal with him meeting your Mom first, especially if you are living with her. If he has been in the house, it’s only proper and natural.

    Also it’s more mature, not less on your part I feel.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:46pm

  309. 309: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Veronica_267_ Thank you!

    Mercedes_269_ What you are describing is EXACTLY the type of relationship I want one day! :)
    Mercedes_294_ I think I hope I see him and things all work out but I don’t think that will happen. That is where the dread and anxiety are coming in. I am trying to not have any expectations, but I feel like regaurdles I expect to see him and it not be okay. And its nerve wracking. I ended up having coffee with my friend I’m going out with later and told her what was going on. I didn’t intend to but it just came out. She asked if I wanted to skip out tonight but I said no I want to go and I want it to be about us girls having fun and nothing else. I told her he is not a factor in tonight. I had to stress to her to just be happy and normal. She is the type of friend that if your upset she’s upset. lol.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:56pm

  310. 310: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Linda, it felt great to have you reply :) sometimes It feels a bit lonely on the blog so it’s nice to have you respond.

    Yeh I kinda think it would be ok too, I guess in my head I had pictured him introducing me to his first. As in him take the lead and I guess he is by saying he wants to meet her.

    I’ve met a friend of his and meeting some when we get back from holiday.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 4:59pm

  311. 311: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, i kind of remember Rori explaining that a guy meeting your parents doesn’t mean to him what it does to us, nor does it affect the “timeline”

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:03pm

  312. 312: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    218: Starbright Thank you for the recommendations that feels helpful.

    Dominique 220, you are right it is not all men and women, that is why I said usually. So to me I believe the ones who do not are rare, Where as you use the word many, it would appear that you believe the reverse is true.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:08pm

  313. 313: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_298_ I am going and taking all your great advice to heart. Thank you. :)

    Elsie_300_ I know how you feel. But I really think you have nothing to worry about, sounds like you have a keeper. I hope your feeling better…nothing wrong with missing and wanting to see your man!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:11pm

  314. 314: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, I think I do too, i know this doesn’t make us committed, I’m enjoying the uncommitted part so I’m not sure it means to me what i think it should do. It did in the past and on my journey I suppose I’ve come to realise that meeting family doesnt define a relationship. But I feel great which is what matters, he’s meeting my needs and it’s moving forward maybe not quite how I expected it to so I should probably let go of expectations here.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:13pm

  315. 315: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Ummmm crazy night so far…like I said earlier XM text me out of the blue today…I didn’t respond.

    Then was grabbing a slice of pizza with my friend for dinner and saw J, my ex from the summer. The one that gave me my insecurities about distance meaning the end. Because he literally fell off the face of the earth after 4 months.

    THEN as I’m sitting eating R walks in with his mom!!!!

    Seriously???? Am I being tested? I’m I supposed to be getting some hint here that I’m missing????

    Feeling better about tonight right now but we’ll see my gut is flip flopping as the day goes on…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:17pm

  316. 316: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – but wow, I want to see him. And as insane as it is – and even though I saw him on Sunday – wow, I miss that closeness. I crave it now because I havent had it in years……

    You will be FINE tonight….Just remember – dont EXCEPT him to act a certain way – just expect him to do nothing, and then see if you are surprised…..but REALLY expect nothing. I know thats hard…..

    @Smile – I think its totally fine to introduce him to your mom – you are all adults. I dont think that is a big deal that you do it first – ONE of you has to do it first…. haha!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:18pm

  317. 317: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – oh no!!! haha! As far as XM goes – I dont think its a big deal that he wanted to see where something else was oging – in fact I think that is honorable that he was HONEST with you and said listen I dont want to cheat on this other girl. I dont know – I sort of liked that he said that – it means that if he was ever with you – he would say that to another girl. I liked it – but thats me. :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:21pm

  318. 318: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Elsie,this is very true :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:22pm

  319. 319: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Smile – “Then there’s my fear.”

    He’s not the same person as your ex and he’s not going to do the same things.

    Letting go of my own fears is what I’m facing.

    I’m proud of my friends and family and wouldn’t hesitate one bit introducing them to each other. If things don’t work out, the people who really care about you will still be there for you… and feel good that you thought well enough of them for an introduction. If it doesn’t work out, the people I consider friends will understand and will want to be there for me.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:23pm

  320. 320: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Uggg, strummingman has left a lot of fear in me :( fear I never had before.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:23pm

  321. 321: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ALA, thank you that really helped. :) yes my friends and family are very supportive and lovely as is amb. I would really love to open up that part of my life and show all of who I am

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:25pm

  322. 322: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_317
    I agree. I told XM at the time that I totally respected him for his honesty and for not talking to both of us at the same time when he was involved.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:33pm

  323. 323: ALANo Gravatar says:

    (( Smile ))

    I feel good that I can help someone.

    I’ve been second guessing myself for far too long. It’s about time that I trust my gut feelings and intuition.

    Something’s different here on the blog. I wish more people had access to this healing knowledge. Sometimes while talking to friends it feels a little off. They dont listen at level 2!!! I feel a little frustrated sometimes/A LOT of times with that.

    More triggers for my healing. learning to speak up!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:35pm

  324. 324: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Smile_
    I get your fear….not saying we should fear this but I get it. J totally fell off and I was glad he hadn’t met my family it was embarressing enough just having my friends KNOW about him. And now with M I’m feeling that same fear, that he will just disapear and he has met my youngest daugther, my brother, sister, aunts, cousins and so many friends. Why do I fear embarresment? It’s as if when I’m asked about him and I say he fell off it looks like I wasn’t good enough for him….I know that’s not true. I’m totally good enough but that’s how it FEELS.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:36pm

  325. 325: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Crazy that I’m going through this with M right now and I saw J tonight after 6 months!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:37pm

  326. 326: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – I cant wait to hear about your night !!!! I’m sure it will go awesome – drink one for me. :)

    I’m sooooo debating as to whether to text him or not…..sigh.

    I think what I might do is NOT text him. Then tomorrow I can visit with him about how he doesnt really sort of think about what I need, and that he asked me to tell him……so I want to revisit that issue as to how to do it and not feel icky. Maybe he will have an idea as to how to help me, or a solution for us…….I’ll do Queens Code and ask HIM to find a SOLUTION for us. :)

    HEY! Just like he did when he said he would text before he comes over – yah – this is perfect……I will ask him to find a solution – I like this idea – what do you girls think!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:38pm

  327. 327: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Ala_

    I totally get what you mean about talking to friends and it feels off!!! Since I started posting on this blog its like don’t want to talk to my friends about me and M cause they don’t get it. They want me to lean in and out of anger at how he is acting. I don’t want to act that way and they don’t get it. It’s frustraiting and I feel judged by them.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:40pm

  328. 328: ALANo Gravatar says:

    My sister helped me last night with encouraging words, telling me NOT to email d.

    I can feel her love.

    A friend told me today that I should go ahead and take the vacation D and I were planning… so what if he’s there. I can show him what he passed up.

    I’m much more than the doormatty, pathetic nothing he thinks I am!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:41pm

  329. 329: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_
    I think that’s a GREAT idea. Not only do I think it’s a great idea but it’s extra great cause you feel good about it and are comfortable with doing it. Yay you!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:41pm

  330. 330: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    nme – I agree – girls on the “outside” world all have their swords up (Read Queens Code!) and they are ready to fight!!! They are all frog farmers. :)

    And I like my idea but I REALLY want to see him, so I have to figure out what to do tonight to pass time……I’ll wash my hair and maybe just go to bed early.

    Sigh……(thats a dramatic sigh) lol – I wish I could be with him……

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:45pm

  331. 331: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ALA, yey :)
    I resonate about friends and wishing more people had access to this healing knowledge. Thing is this is my haven. I don’t want to share it with my friends. I dint want them to know my journey :/ gosh! I think it would stop me from posting if I told people about it.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:46pm

  332. 332: ALANo Gravatar says:

    nme, I hope you go and just relax and enjoy yourself tonight!

    Who cares what M things or does. This is your girls night. He hasn’t offered you the kind of commitment YOU want and there are plenty of men that would be honored (as what’s showing up for you now!!!) to have you.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:48pm

  333. 333: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Nme, I guess we have to just trust and take that chance, knowing our family and friends will love and support us whatever the outcome :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:52pm

  334. 334: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Smile, Oh I know! This is my own little oasis. I’ve mentioned it on occasion without giving too any specifics.

    I just wish more people have access to a healthier perspective on life as well as relationships.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 5:57pm

  335. 335: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Today has been an especially emotional day. Still wanting to email D.

    Thank you, Rori and Sirens for being here.

    I still want to mail D. And it would be useless. He’s moved on and “thinks” it is so much better than with me.

    He’s a fool.

    Why do I still love this fool?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:10pm

  336. 336: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Hair and make-up done…feeling good about ME and just waiting for my friend to pick me up. Another friend I havent seen in awhile is coming out tonight too so it’s gonna be a fun night with friends. And I’m looking kinda amazing if I do say so myself lol. Have a great night ladies!!!!

    Keep busy Elsie, or bed is a good option. I did that a few nights this week so I wouldn’t text M.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:21pm

  337. 337: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_
    Although I didnt love J, I was still shaking when I saw him. He hurt me bad. I hate that I let him affect me so….I know how you feel.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:22pm

  338. 338: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ALA – You love him because of how he made you feel. Thats mostly why people love other people, right? So, now he makes you feel different, but its hard to let those memories go. Be gentle with yourself. We have all been there :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:32pm

  339. 339: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:32pm

  340. 340: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh, this full moon/my period has me feeling topsy turvy. My intention for this week has been to have no expectations & that has triggered a whole new world of emotions & understanding for me. The past 4 months have been so intense. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences come my way, yet along with that has been my mothers breast cancer diagnosis. It’s always there, always lingering. No expectations is layered when you’re dealing with so many emotions. ((hugging myself)).

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:34pm

  341. 341: ALANo Gravatar says:

    When the pages take longer to load I finally notice the pic in the article. This is one of my favorites!

    “Love Yourself”

    … so simple, yet poignant…. as the waves crash onto the shore.

    I feel alone and lonely tonight.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:41pm

  342. 342: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Moving Magic – I’m so sorry to hear of your mom’s diagnosis. Is she going to be ok? My doctor was diagnosed and is totally fine now……:) I just wanted to give you some uplifting news. :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:44pm

  343. 343: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Elsie. She just finished her 2nd round of chemo. She has 3 more. They caught it before it had spread, & it was slow forming (stage 1). She’s a beautiful & strong woman, with an amazing support team/community around her. She has built it by just being who she is. I’m half a country away…and that has been hard for me. I’m feeling it a bit tonight.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:50pm

  344. 344: ALANo Gravatar says:

    wha?… scolling back. Oh man, my problems are so insignificant to others and what they’re dealing with.
    (((MM’s Mom )))

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:52pm

  345. 345: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    (((MovingMagic)))

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:53pm

  346. 346: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I have a lot of fear now too. And more like I don’t want to let anyone too close. Or I can’t.

    He and I had such a bond. We had a lot of unspoken stuff in common. He is crazy cryptic and often sounds like his words and thoughts are disconnected. but I always knew what he was saying.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 6:57pm

  347. 347: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I have a date on Friday night. Match has such a supply of guys. I am still catching up on emails. how do they find me? I’m never online;)
    I just talked to him and he sounds kind. I don’t think he is my next guy, but the conversation was easy and I need that now.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:00pm

  348. 348: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, if oyu don’t text or call and don’t freak out, you know how it’s called? COOOOOOL girl ;)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:01pm

  349. 349: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_
    I don’t usually do this…I’m at the bar on my phone on the blog lol. Feel good but nervous still. I feel like a lot of the pool team that I’m usually friends w are acting weird. Is it in my head? I saw M as I went to the ladies room. He looked ….nervous? I smiled and said hey. I usually touch him though and I didn’t…I do feel a little off.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:04pm

  350. 350: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – LOL – yay – we are with you at the bar! haha! Drink one for me :) I’m sure they weren’t acting weird, they were probably just drinking – dont owrry about that at all……

    I know you feel “off” just take a deep breath, and dont have ANY expectations. He may not talk to you at all and thats OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK ….. its really ok.

    He is probably nervous. He probably thinks you are going to go bananas on him. :) LOL – and you arent so thats good. :) Keep it up you are doing great. :)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:08pm

  351. 351: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – I’m not calling or texting, but wow, I want to. So I guess is that a bit of a freak out? I dont know – I dont think it s afreak out but it not being cool girl LOL. Somewhere in the middle – baby steps LOL

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:09pm

  352. 352: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    all he knows Elsie is that you’re not texting or calling:)

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:12pm

  353. 353: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – he just texted me – but he is at some store at the mall and texted me just a picture of an inside joke of ours……no words, just the pic. So I just texted back “lol”……that was it. Now I”m thnking – ok – you are out at the mall … you cant stop by? Or ask to stop by? Ugh…..I guess its nice he texted me and was thinking of me and it was cute…..but I got no words and I didnt even get a “hey what are you doing later” etc. or anything…..

    Negative voices are so loud. Its from years of being mistreated. They are just trying to protect me and tell me to shield myself from getting hurt.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:22pm

  354. 354: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I’m going to bed. I’m tired, and I need to take care of me. :) Good night ladies……and nme – have a good night – dont stress and lean back!!!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:23pm

  355. 355: joan TNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, you have just told me how I feel now, Angry, and
    Depressed too. Can you uses Tough Love, Is it a good
    have in this kind of relationship? What is it? Why do I
    lose out? Thanks

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 7:27pm

  356. 356: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Go Zara , I always loved your perspectives. I agree totally that an imaginary relationship is an uncommitted one . It can look like a duck , quack like a duck and even poop like a duck , but its not actually a duck… Its got no commitment “soul” in it. And I have lived through two of these and couldnt figure it out. Its the soul commitment, and the intention of ongoing togetherness and caring for , tending the relationships health and its future that makes it real in my opinion.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:01pm

  357. 357: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    @Elsie “Negative voices are so loud. Its from years of being mistreated. They are just trying to protect me and tell me to shield myself from getting hurt.”

    Thank you for this. It is such a good reminder of how to go about embracing the nasty voice.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:13pm

  358. 358: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena – 188 that is very well put. I think you articulated the difference between “commitment” and “fidelity.” as women, it is very easy for us to interpret fidelity as implicitly meaning commitment also, but you are right – that isn’t what that means. And that’s not a cynical view of men. It’s what men do. It is what we are learning to do as well – be in a relationship to “see how it goes” (and how we feel) before we make a commitment, regardless of the physical status of a relationship.

    ~~~

    ((((((((((Turquoise))))))))))

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:13pm

  359. 359: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I saw one of my NVs last night, and she was mean-looking! Nasty little goblin face. But she was pink. And she had sharp teeth – I figured perfect for eating a delicious cookie ; )

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:16pm

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise thanks for the update. I would say try to find something to enjoy and appreciate about each moment you have with her. I know it is hard, but you know what, you still have her. When these things happen we see what is important in life and we put things more in its proper perspective.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:17pm

  361. 361: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ALA I know when we see people having big problems we feel humbled to the point of thinking that we are being selfish. Your problems are not insignificant. Just different and in the bigger scheme of things might have less weight. Yet the fact that YOU are facing them and have them to deal with they feel huge and heavy. Go in front of the mirror and talk to yourself. Tell the girl in the mirror that you love her and are there for her. Tell her she is beautiful and worthy of all her heart’s desire.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:21pm

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((((joan T)))))))))))))))))))

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:22pm

  363. 363: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling so embarrassed. I keep hoping MrUnA will write me & tell me that he’s made a mistake and wants me back. I’m so addicted to this man that even though he’s wrong for me, I can’t help wanting him still. I’m trying to ask myself what is it about him that triggers me to have this attraction to him? My feelings definitely fluctuate – earlier I felt so relieved that he isn’t contacting me, but now I feel anxious that he isn’t. Is there anything else I can do besides let the feelings come and go?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:33pm

  364. 364: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_ Update….I’m home and about to fall asleep…was going to wait till tomorrow to update but this is almost like a journal for me and want my feelings to be fresh….I walked past M one other time and felt much more myself. Did a little booty bump as I passed him lol. He just laughed and said hey.

    Then as he was paying his tab he was at this doorway of sorts where the pool room is and you can look into the bar area where I was. I looked up and he was trying to get my attention. He made a guesture that he was leaving then was doing someother weird thing lol. I kinda waved then asked if he wanted me to go over there, I was unsure. He shook his head no and put his hand to his ear? lol, I don’t know if he was saying he’s gonna call or wants me to…either way I’m not calling and having no expectations going into tonight I didn’t feel let down. I actually feel good. Ok going to bed now….

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:53pm

  365. 365: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Nme,( just got caught up)

    It doesn’t matter what he gestured.

    You did great! A real rock star!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 8:57pm

  366. 366: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana:
    I like your description of your NV – will she be eating macaroon cookies this week?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 9:14pm

  367. 367: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique and Mercedes – Thank you so much!

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 10:00pm

  368. 368: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling frustrated and fed up with men and dating. I’ve met some bitter men this week..

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:10pm

  369. 369: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    ExoticCD is putting in minimal effort and I respond to his calls and texts (though I’m waiting longer now) but I refuse to row.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:13pm

  370. 370: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I haven’t heard from dancingCD today… But we texted yesterday. And I initiated that one. Darn. That just be why I’m feeling a little off-balance about it. But he’s still cute. Which is why I guess I can lean back now and see what he does…

    There was a cute moment this past weekend, where we were cuddling, and not much was happening. And then I just started thinking the word “girl, girl, girl, girl” over and over in my head. And suddenly, he was kissing me and petting me, and I was like, whoa! That was fast. I’m amazed at how in tune he is with me sometimes. He’s a sensitive guy, I guess. Kind of my type.

    But to me, he’s “practice.” I don’t really see where it’s going, if anywhere. He doesn’t feel like a magical “one” person. But he is very nice and sweet and non-threatening to me.

    And so I am practicing staying present. In every moment, but especially in physical ones, where I might otherwise not want to feel, or will simply “go away” in my mind, while my body is still there. I think I’m getting better st it. At least I want to be…

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:22pm

  371. 371: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hugs to u Emerson. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet the right person. Dating is a piece of work.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:24pm

  372. 372: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    370 Tereana I like your girl girl thing.. I’m gonna try that :-)

    Thanks k201

    Sirens I’ve been in boy mode I need to switch gears …

    I’m so triggered by men using work as a reason to be unavailable and I do get it that we have to work, yes, but if you want to see me you will make time.
    I don’t know what happened with exoticCD maybe he just wanted sex. I know it doesn’t matter but I just hate this.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:40pm

  373. 373: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Btw with exoticcd we kissed but did not have sex…not even close and I made it clear I’m not interested in casual sex.

    I feel so discouraged. Then I ran into a excoworker/acquaintance’s exboyfriend and he was really flirty & coming on to me… I have no attraction to him but lots of girls like him and he is smart, talented, has a great job, etc but it was just weird.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:43pm

  374. 374: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens I was on a coffee date of sorts,,unexpectedly (I ran into an old flame) and I totally forgot about my girly energy and my tools … Ugh why did I forget?

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:54pm

  375. 375: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – 374: …because we’re all practicing; it takes time and practice to really incorporate all that we’re learning into our lives. *hugs* If you can, shake it off & give yourself a hug.

    Wednesday, 27 March 2013 @ 11:58pm

  376. 376: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise..Blessings to you and your family on this journey..and it really is a journey, you just dont know the destination yet or how long it must go on. Please take adequate rest , distraction, nourishment and support to see you through. Family are best to support each other and Sweetheart will hopefully come to understand this. Thinking of you.XXX

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:49am

  377. 377: TanyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,
    I am in a relationship with a guy since 18 mnths and had sex only for first 6 months i got pregnant and after that we had sex couple of times and he abruptly stopped.He says he stopped getting that feeling and when i asked him for marriage he says he will not marry anyone including me but he says i am the only girl in his life and wouldnt marry/date any1 else. I dont want to end my relationship but want to know the reason behind abruptly stopping sex. He says he has lots of feelings and that sex is not the only thing in our relationship. I want to get physical sometimes but he refuses am pissed off and had no sex since 1 year :( How should i take this relationship? totally confused plz help!!!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:15am

  378. 378: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson you sound great to me. You are trying. You are practicing. You are aware. The switch will happen before you realize it.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:37am

  379. 379: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://evolvingwisdom.com/callingintheone/online-seminar/

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:03am

  380. 380: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda G_ Thank you!!! I felt great last night….well lets be completely honest. I felt good, I would have felt great if more happend but I still felt good. And that was enough for then.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:20am

  381. 381: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Of course today my NV’s are starting in though…..I wanna call or text, I keep thinking (over thinking I’m sure) what was he gesturing….did he want me to call last night when I got home? Blah!!! It doesn’t matter right, regaurdless what the gesture was I should still just wait for him. And WHY have I dreamt of him the last three nights? Don’t recall all of the dreams but I know he was in them. I really want to have a good day!!!! Kids are off from school and going with my roommate and her daughter to the movie tavern. Downfall? My roommate is a sword up kinda girl, as soon as she saw me this morning she asked if M was there last night and if he talked to me and was getting attitudy cause he really didn’t do much. I started to feel bad and judged. She thinks I should just say F it and text XM and go out…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:26am

  382. 382: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I wish I could just leave my phone at home for the day so I don’t even have the opportunity to look at it but first my son is at a friends so I need to be reachable and second if he calls or texts it will be after my kids go with their dad tonight anyway. Still….

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:33am

  383. 383: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Time for the 180 nme, put on something cute, go shopping, get coffee, …

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:36am

  384. 384: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’m still really proud of myself, but I also feel really humiliated.

    This isn’t the whole conversation by any means, I don’t remember, and I’m still trying to process…

    Jack CD told me he didn’t feel that way about me. He told me he was a jerk to me.

    He then said he didn’t want me to hold a grudge against him.

    In my shock and vulnerability, I said, “so, you’re just not attracted to me.”

    and he said “I can’t say that…”

    Me, after a pause: “Must be my personality. We probably wouldn’t be a good fit. Well, you’re probably right.”

    Wish I hadn’t said that.

    Well, I just sat there in silence.

    and I actually felt really good at first. I felt relieved.

    and then I felt all those other emotions.

    I became really angry and tried to leave, but he said I shouldn’t leave angry and I said I don’t have to stay you know. and he said I know but don’t go.

    so, I didn’t go. and I kinda just sat back down next to him, and found myself reeling. I’ve never felt so disconnected from a person in my entire life, with them sitting right there next to me.

    He just sat with me for the longest time. and I feel kind of angry with him for doing that. I mean, what was the point? To show me that he really is a nice guy, deep down? To make himself feel better?

    I think at one point I actually asked him if he was a sociopath. and then, lest he get offended, I told him that they have a bad stigma and that they’re actually not that bad of people. just misunderstood, cause they can’t feel empathy.

    and then at some point he asked me what I was thinking twice.

    The first time, he interrupted my train of thoughts, so I told him I honestly didn’t know because he interrupted my train of thoughts.

    The second time, he had led me to sit outside the tennis courts and I was just staring at this sign posted outside of the gated-in court.

    It said; “Show courtesy to those who are waiting and limit use time to one hour.”

    and so he said, “what are you thinking?”

    and I told him that I was just reading that over and over again and thinking about the metaphor in it.

    and he just went “wow.”

    and I’m still in shock over my friend who died, and the two grievances feel confusing and over-lapping.

    and right now I just feel kind of numb.

    and paranoid that someone I know in real life is going to read this…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:09am

  385. 385: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    on the walk there, he seemed so much nicer.

    on the walk back to my place, he walked faster than me, and seemed angry.

    I know that he was probably angry with himself. He should be. He should be.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:13am

  386. 386: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’m glad I did it, because I have a lot to learn. If I have to humiliate myself to learn, then i guess I have to humiliate myself. It is better than being clueless, ignorant, and alone.

    I’m still alone.

    He tried so hard to get my attention. I swear I didn’t make it easy for him. I swear I didn’t. I’m the only girl who didn’t make it easy for him.

    I thought he valued that.

    I thought he valued me.
    I thought he respected me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:17am

  387. 387: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I was here first. He’s the one who moved back, and weaseled his way into my social circle. I feel like avoiding MY stuff that he now goes to, but I should have to, because it’s MY stuff, and he invaded it.

    He tried so hard to make himself look good and to get in with the people I know, love, trust, and respect.

    I watched him do it, I’m not crazy.

    and I asked him, I said, “so you just wanted to break me?”

    and he said, “no, I didn’t want to break you.”

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:22am

  388. 388: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – 306 – I see absolutely no reason why he can’t meet your family first or why it even matters who meets whom first. It makes more sense he would meet your family since they are local.

    And your fears around him doing what another man did are just that, fears. You already said and feel that he is SO not the same man.

    Fear only gets in your way. Do your best to let this go, recognize it for what it is, and let it go. Tell yourself that it’s just your silly fears rearing their silly heads again. Laugh at them; laugh with them, and put them to bed.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:24am

  389. 389: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’m so angry, but I can’t even feel it properly. I can’t feel anything right now. I don’t feel anything right now. I don’t feel real right now.

    My arms just feel hot.

    and my chest and my face.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:25am

  390. 390: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank You Tereana 358. That is what I mean’t yes Just because a man is agreeing to not sleep with anyone else while he is seeing you, So is on the same page re fidelity, it doesn’t mean he wants to be with you forever and he thinks you are his one and only till death us do part. He just means for now. So if he hasn’t decided and made or offered you that commitment, that he wants you as a life partner, don’t close all your options off either and invest all your time in him hoping that one day that will be what he wants with you.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:32am

  391. 391: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica – 367 – :)

    xxoo

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:35am

  392. 392: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile

    “Dominique, I would love to know what you think about this …

    I’m staying at my mums at the minute whilst I’m in the process of buying my own house. she is rarely here though. Amb stays over and comes round etc but when my mums not in. Last week I needed to fill in some forms and it required me to have my passport so we had to come back, fortunately my mum wasn’t in. I think he could sense my anxiety around me not wanting him to meet my mum. If he rings the house phone I make sure I answer as I dont want him to speak to her having not been formally introduced.
    He laughed the other day and said … ‘ would it be so bad if I met your mum?’ I would love for him to meet my mum and wondered if that’s where we were at? I said I’d feel more comfy meeting his mum first. I said it happily, carefree and like hey it’ll happen one day. Thing is I’m not in a rush to do the family thing, he’ll introduce me when it’s right. My family are local though and in my daily life, he lives far away from his parents. I explained I didn’t want him to stay over whilst my mum was home as I’m not use to living with my mum as an adult and it would feel weird. He understood this.

    My question is, should I wait for him to introduce me to his family first? He’s kind of led it by saying he would be happy to meet mine.

    Then there’s my fear. My fear that I’ll introduce him to my friends and family and then he’ll disappear like strummingman did, although it feels totally different with amb. I guess I dont want to be embarrassed if it doesn’t work out.
    I’ve told my family brief things about him. But it’s still early days for me. I feel so amazing in his company and he loves that he makes me feel that way. I want to move my fear on so I can talk about and show people how amazing he makes md feel.

    I would love to hear what you think? X

    We are going away together in a few days

    “I would love to hear any thoughts from other sirens? It would feel useful to have input on this :)

    We are all on a journey of self discovery of reconnecting to our inner core and feelings and honoring where we are and not abandoning those and learning to love and chose to love honor and accept our all of our feelings. Being true to ourselves. Then when we do this we attract the right man for us, we have changed our vibration to a higher vibration of love.

    So here goes. reading back on what you have said and where you are at.

    “I think he could sense my anxiety around me not wanting him to meet my mum.”
    Honor it is it there to protect you.
    This would be I feel anxious and not ready for this to happen yet, so the loving action would be don’t do it yet.

    “I said I’d feel more comfy meeting his mum first.”

    The ball is now in his court if that is what would make you feel more comfortable and is what you want.

    He will either step up or he won’t.

    “I want to move my fear on so I can talk about and show people how amazing he makes md feel.”

    If he steps up you will the feel more comfortable and relaxed and feel ready to do this.

    So if he brings it up again, or it naturally comes up speak your truth and stick to what you want.

    It’s about learning to put your feelings first, and then the right man for you will. X

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:54am

  393. 393: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    he also said, “remember how you said I’m hard to figure out? Think about that…”

    ew. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:00am

  394. 394: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s about choosing love over fear. Love for your feelings and honoring them so you stop being scared of losing any man.

    Your fear in abandonment, so the first step is don’t abandon yourself and your feelings.

    There is a difference between negative voices that put us down, which we need to tell to go away.

    And negative feelings which are there to be loved, nurtured honored taken care of and not abandoned.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:01am

  395. 395: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    300 …ELsie

    I have been just where you are. At times I still find myself there. Wanting something… but wanting to do things the Rori way… I can totally identify with everything you wrote and your thoughts. You are not alone!

    I have found that negative voices get triggered in me when I encounter a situation that feels like what I have been thru before that felt bad or was bad. I using those triggers as opporunities to really sink in and understand/work thru my past wounds/and understand my wants and needs. I have also been trying to remain open to new ideas and possibilities. Instead of pushing the NV’s down I have been truly embracing them as friends that have something I can springboard into a better healthier version of me. Once sorted thru… my feelings and needs tweeked or not still are what I am true to. I have become wholey commited to being my best friend and caretaker and not budging on that.

    I was circular dating for several months and FavoriteCD just kept stepping up. I now am only seeing him but making that dec When we find ourselves in with a man in the beginning stages of a relationship

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:20am

  396. 396: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    oops hit send before I was done.. (from 394)

    So.. knowing what my true feelings are have been instrumental in navigating thru my new relationship I am in now. The second part has been to communicate my feelings, wants, needs in a feminine energy way and at the right time.

    Communication is a BIG deal with me. I wanted and expected the type of communication that you decribed you were on the receiving end of with your new man. My belief was that if he did not contact me it was because he did not want to and was not interested in me really. When I was with him in person though it felt completely different…. Dominiques advice helped me see that I needed to be open to what a man decided to bring and not have expectations (see her blog). Delightfully I can say that tweeking this in me has cause me to be wonderfully surprised by FavoriteCD on several occasions but I still would like him to step up the communication and connection too. The difference has been that I do not feel not want the commuication because I need reassurance of his interest in me anymore. My attitude shifted and it feels healthier to me now. Living with it does not feel foreign to me now either. I will interject though.. that just last week end we were having a “heart to heart” that he initiated and I told him what I would like in the communication department. Not based out of clingy need like it would have been for me before but just simply sharing what my desire is.

    You seem like you are using the tools but putting yourself thru the wringer while doing it. COuld you look inside and sift… find your peaceful place and when the opportunity presents itself be ready to share in a non-blamey, non self denying way. I bet you can, if I did!

    In the beginning stages of a relationship is great opportunity to grow, practice and learn. Sometimes it feels like work sometimes it just flows. All of it has been good for me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 8:00am

  397. 397: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tany – what happened with your pregnancy? The easy answer here is that he doesn’t want you to get pregnant again. This relationship – and this is going to sound tough, so please know I just want to tell you the truth as I see it – is over. Please move on. Please take better care of yourself and begin to understand how relationships work. I can understand him wanting sex without penetration, to be safe. That’s something you can work out. But if he simply wants a friendship – then you are done. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 8:57am

  398. 398: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Linda – thank you so much for taking the time to write to me!!!

    I am really re-reading what you have said because it really resonated with me. He did text briefly last night.

    Today I saw him and he came over right away and said “Gosh, I didnt get to talk to you at all yesterday” like he was sort of upset about it – that felt good – and it also felt good that he was even aware of it – AND that he came right over.

    We talked about an hour.

    I decided not to talk about how I needed him last night. I am going to just marinate in it and see how I feel before I have ANOTHER “talk” with him. I feel like this whole last week has been a lot of emotional talks etc.

    I dont know- at one point I said something about how I loved that he said we would take care of each other and he nodded, but looked away…..I didnt like the feeling of that – it felt disconnected, like maybe he didnt want to think of the fact that he said that to me or something….it was too much like maybe he didnt mean it? I dont kow. I’m sure I”m reading into it.

    Anyway – I had a horrible night because of something my ex did and the bottom line is that I told him all about it today – and he is a great listener, so that felt awesome.

    But even though he is a great listener, he is not a great reassurer. If that makes sense.

    I just need a lot of reassurance right now – I feel very very vulnerable.

    Do I tell him this? Do I let him know I feel? Is it even healthy to feel this vulnerable?

    Thoughts?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:04am

  399. 399: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I love all the support Sirens give to each other. When something resonates with our own journey, freely giving and caring to each other.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:05am

  400. 400: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Syrena’s words feel flowing and poignant.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:11am

  401. 401: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “Do I tell him this? Do I let him know I feel? Is it even healthy to feel this vulnerable?”

    Could be your fears coming up, and wanting to control how he is with you.

    I hope other more experienced Sirens chime in here.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:16am

  402. 402: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I reached another level in my healing! I didn’t think of D first thing when I woke up. This feels huge!

    Then my thoughts went to all the mean, blaming things he said to me. How could he say those untrue things about me? Think I might need to chalk it all up as he is a narcissistic, mysogynist. I am a beautiful, complete, filled with love woman. And he’s an idiot for not seeing that.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:23am

  403. 403: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel ignored and devastated. I feel like “I told you so” is being withheld from me because you all are compassionate.

    I feel so empty and sad in my heart.

    Love feels like manipulation.
    You have to do and say certain things in certain ways, or love won’t be there, or it’ll hang out for a while, then leave.

    I feel so confused.
    I have no idea “what I did wrong” besides leaning forward, but I would still be in the dark if I hadn’t leaned forward.

    It’s like that one woman on here who felt like stopping by to see the guy she was interested in, and he was with another woman.

    why am I so disposable?
    if i’m so dang loveable than why do I keep getting left by everyone, including myself?

    why did he try so hard and then leave me?

    did he see my insecurity, my rage, my impatience, and know?
    that i couldn’t handle myself or him or anyone else, for that matter?

    I feel really hollow and dry and trembly.
    My mouth is dry and hanging open.
    My head hurts, my chest hurts, my whole upper body hurts.
    My legs just feel numb, but I think they’re still there.

    I am beautiful, but I don’t mean a thing to you.
    Breathing hurts.
    in and out.
    I have to think about it, or else the pain overtakes me.

    What sucks is that doesn’t even feel as good as the first time I was left. I felt more sane then, somehow. I had more witnesses or something. I was told “No, you’re not crazy.” There was at least another woman who reacted towards me in negative ways that made sense to my crazy conspiracy theories.

    People cared more then or something.
    Or it was easier to see.
    or it was more shocking, so more devasting, so more easy to empathize with.

    it feels expecting and I feel like I don’t have support this time.
    I feel really alone.

    I want to feel everything and to get the pain over with, but it doesn’t work like that, does it?

    I remember thinking that I didn’t know how to grieve back then, and I don’t know how to grieve now, or how long it’s supposed to take.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:23am

  404. 404: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be a man. Masculine energy. Action-oriented. There’s things TO DO.

    You don’t have to RESPOND. Things are on YOUR time-table. You’re the chooser.

    Feeling so angry. but it doesn’t feel real, it feels fake, it feels like I’m watching a movie.

    or it feels like I’m desperately trying to feel something…anything…but I can’t.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:26am

  405. 405: ALANo Gravatar says:

    FW – I fell asleep thinking about your words. So meaningful to me! :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:27am

  406. 406: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I was a jerk to you.
    I can’t say that I’m not attracted to you.
    I don’t want you to hold a grudge against me.
    You are very honest.
    You shouldn’t leave angry.

    Screw you.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:30am

  407. 407: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    What I love and hate the most about him is how calm he is…

    I look like the crazy, raging, idiot and he’s calm.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:31am

  408. 408: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    “I didn’t know what you meant.”

    Later on…

    “I knew what you meant…”

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

    “I know what you’re talking about…”

    Hi, I’m Jack CD. Insecure manipulative, caring, attentive friend-to-all-women liar.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:34am

  409. 409: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Why do you always stare at me?
    You were staring at me a day ago and you just expect me not to respond when you’re staring at me like that?

    why so eager to figure me out?
    so you can play with me, have me struck your ego and body and then when you’ve had your thrill, leave me?

    I couldn’t figure out if you were a good person, or if my negative voices were just trying to make you into a jerk to protect me, but you were a jerk, you admit to being a jerk, but won’t expound, won’t apologize, just sit by me until I calm down and then walk me quickly home and YOU’RE the one who’s angry?

    You don’t get to be angry, I do.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:39am

  410. 410: ALANo Gravatar says:

    ((( IamHis )))

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:44am

  411. 411: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    You’re just angry because I figured you out and called you out on it.

    You’re just angry because I’m one of the few women who will call you out on your crap and demand an explaination.

    I’m angry because you USED me and then left me.

    Used me to get attention for yourself from other women and men for that matter.

    Used me for your own personal power.

    You saw my power, and just had to steal some of it from me.

    Didn’t you?
    Didn’t you?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:44am

  412. 412: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    It’s like Taylor Swift and Harry Styles. She was so angry, and he just looked like this innocent little victim who had no idea what he did wrong or that he did anything wrong.

    Taylor swift and me, we have issues!

    Leaving someone isn’t “wrong.”
    Cheating on someone isn’t “wrong.”

    If nothing’s wrong, then nothing’s right.

    Right and wrong, they exist.

    Good and 3vil, they exist.

    and the good do 3vil things sometimes, and the 3vil do good things sometimes.

    I feel so confused.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:51am

  413. 413: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Everybody has lines where they say “this is definitely bad” and “this is definitely good.”

    Everybody.

    Your truth.
    My truth.

    Screw those, what is THE truth?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:52am

  414. 414: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    He’s the first guy who hasn’t ignored me. Most guys I’ve been interested in the past, they have these moments where they seemingly get angry out of no where and start ignoring me.

    With him, “I” was the one who started ignoring him, because “I” was the one who felt like she was losing her power.

    and that might be the most humiliating thing of all, to me.

    I feel like my heart was just a game to him.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:55am

  415. 415: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I’ve always just felt panic and fear when a man made it obvious that he wanted me.

    Is that how they felt? Like their hearts were just a game to me?

    I didn’t mean to hurt them.

    I loved so many of them in so many different ways.

    I just always needed more.

    I’ve always felt like I’ve been starving for love. and when I finally do get it, I hoard it like food in a famine and don’t know how to share it, show it, or grow it.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 9:59am

  416. 416: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Heck, even SMC ignored me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:00am

  417. 417: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I never thought I’d miss being intentionally ignored. At least it was intentional…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:01am

  418. 418: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for saying that ALA. The inner work is what I find most fulfilling and rewarding. Most of the times we spend so much time wondering about what he’s saying, doing, and how we should we be to get him focussed and giving us what we want that we lose sight of how valuable we can be four ourselves.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:04am

  419. 419: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, I don’t know. In my story with dumbcd I learned to accept the uncertainty and I was good about it, even too good as I think about it now. But do you think you can allow some uncertainty? Sometimes? The thing is that if one person wants out they will do it anyway, as we all know too well. Do you have to report to each other daily? Maybe not. Does he have to take care of your past wounds? Probably not. If you feel like you’re getting too little by all means you can talk to him. But you just talked a few days ago and it felt quite intense and hexsaid even more than what you hoped for? Maybe it’s time to let it be for a while? Go out with your children or girlfriends? Lots of questions;)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:05am

  420. 420: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis sometimes your words suggest to me that nothing anyone says to you will be enough. Like you just want to stay in the spiral of your tailspin. You might slow down just a little to hear others words but you are more comfortable in the overanalyzing and arguing with yourself.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:10am

  421. 421: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry, feminine woman. Whose words did I miss? I got a hug from ALA (which I appreciated, by the way) but are you talking about things that were said to me prior to this?

    Obviously i can’t take any advice I was given now that it’s over with.

    Maybe I’m just trying to learn whether i can trust what I think I perceive or not.

    which obviously, I can’t.

    and now I feel like a crazy person again…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:14am

  422. 422: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I mean, is that seriously what you would want to hear in the depths of your pain?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:16am

  423. 423: WillowNo Gravatar says:

    After reading Rori’s newsletter this morning I just feel confused. I want marriage. And I want to be asked, though I know for financial reasons a legal marriage is a bad idea until I’m done with school, and I have said that to him which now I think was also a bad idea. I know he wants marriage. And I know, based on what he has said, he wants marriage with me, but he’s not moving things forward. He hasn’t brought up the issue in quite awhile.

    I feel like it has been long enough to know whether he wants to make that commitment or not. I know he’s allowed to take as long as he wants… but for me, it’s long enough. I don’t feel like waiting any longer. I love him, I love being with him, he tells me almost every day how happy I make him and how much he loves his life with me. It feels good, but it makes me MORE confused — if he does, then WHY has he not asked me to marry him yet?

    I felt humiliated when my mom asked me a couple of months ago why he hasn’t asked me yet. That made me feel angry and insecure with him. I felt defensive.

    I don’t know what to do or what to say at this point. The going advice in these situations seems to be to open your options. I live with him and share a life with him. That’s not going to work. I can’t share a house with him and date other men. If I moved out, the relationship would be over. That’s not what I want. Not yet, anyway.

    I don’t know if this just my fears coming up or not. Many days, I feel indifferent towards marriage and just happy with the relationship and life that I have. Today is not one of those days. Today I feel led on and disappointed and I feel hurt that I’m not getting the commitment I want.

    Do I have a talk with him, tell him how I’m feeling? Even if I did, I don’t know that I’d know how to respond to the myriad of possible answers I’d get. I need a script here. I probably shouldn’t speculate about what he might say, but I keep thinking on them anyway.

    I’m meeting him for lunch in a few hours. What do I do?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:16am

  424. 424: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I text XM back. Felt guilty as soon as I did it. I can lie and say I did it cause I didn’t want to be rude but I think I just wanted attention. I just said “hey, how have you been”…well now I’m in a bind he text back and said he’s been good and am I single now…….I don’t have an answer…..I feel like I am but I don’t KNOW anything. Clear cut lines a a big thing for me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:18am

  425. 425: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    have you ever just wanted to know if you could trust what you think you perceive?

    obviously, you can’t trust perceptions.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:20am

  426. 426: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, ‘nothing that people say will be enough’ – I am the queen of that! But I know it and I can’t change it. I can only forget what happened and it will happen eventually;) Maybe it is crazy in a way, but I’m so reasonable in so many ways that this one glitch should make me even more irresistible don’t you think;)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:22am

  427. 427: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    but other people saw it too.

    he just changed his mind, I guess.
    realized I wasn’t right for him.

    I want to change MY mind.
    I know he’s not right for me.
    I knew it all along, but I was trying to keep my heart open, because he was different and he kept coming around.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:22am

  428. 428: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((IamHis))))

    Things are seldom as they appear.

    It is so easy to feel that people leave you and abandon you, boy have I been there. But the truth is, people are sometimes thoughtless, and they have to walk their own path.

    hugs

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:23am

  429. 429: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I’m sorry if I’m just over looking other posts and putting mine out there. I’m out an not at a computer, just wanted to put my thought out there since it just happened and will catch up later. Don’t wanna seem selfish… :)

    ((((((((((Everyone))))))))))

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:23am

  430. 430: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Most people don’t think about it iamhis. Most people just want to feel safe and good. And you can try to experience it from that perspective as well.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:26am

  431. 431: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    what do you feel? Dominique kept asking me. Pay attention to the unspoken things.

    He treats me differently from anyone.

    and even now, I know he cares about me on some level.

    and that feels pathedic to say, because it’s what a rejected person would say, but it’s true.

    I’ve cared deeply about guys that I didn’t necessarily want to “be with.”

    so I guess there’s comfort in that…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:26am

  432. 432: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Iamhis you’re lucky you KNOW he wasn’t right for you

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:29am

  433. 433: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    There are times when I trust perceptions.

    Pain, Iamhis? Maybe I am callous. I dunno. I imagine Tuquoise in emotional turmoil because I imagine her world must feel like it is falling apart. I imagine a woman who is left pregnant bby herself might be in some kinda pain also. For a lot of our man stories I tend to now believe much of what happens is what we put ourselves through. So though sometimes it seem hard I just choose to stop. When reflected in the bigger scheme of things in my life I realice I am bigger and grander. Some things I can leave behind.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:29am

  434. 434: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme,

    I would ENJOY the attention, it is perfectly natural given what you have been through and what you are feeling.

    If it were me, and he asked if I was single, I would put a smiley emoticon face and say something like, “ooh, it feels nice to be asked that :) I kind of am ;)

    Have been biting my “tongue” so to speak to keep from saying this to you, but I think M is treating you in a very neglectful manner, and I would take my attention as much off him as I could, and drop him even.

    xx

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:29am

  435. 435: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    398 Elsie

    I am glad you could glean somthing from that post…sorry it was so messed up and out of order in two parts.

    I am glad you heard from him. It does feel relieving. I went/still go thru that sometimes. My goal was to not ride that rollercoaster any longer. By that I mean too no longer focus on him, wondering why he had not contacted… and to feel good in the presence and absence of receiving communication. The deeper I press in the more stuff and triggers I work/worked thru.

    It is easy to feel great when we hear from them but awesome to feel it even when we dont! It is much easier to type than to do but I have acheived some success with it and am determined for it to increase. I dont want to place my value or wellness on whether a man contacts me or not ever again. By the way, if I dont get what I need from a relationship/man… I start to feel bored and uninterested, instead of piney or sad now. It feels wonderful !!

    For me, I usually sit on my feelings until I understand what is really going on inside me. When I am sure then I speak when the opportunity presents itself and it always does. Timing I have found is important. So spending time knowing what I want beforehand makes it easier for me to share when it is the right time.

    I have made a shift… I dont look for reassurance from a man but instead I look to myself for that… it is a vibe shifter and before I knew it he was giving what I need without effort. I dont feel qualified to tell you what you should or should not share. FEELING vunerable is scary… if I feel like that then I am not centered in myself. BEING vunerable is different it is open and is… centered and healthy and confident. It feels totally different to me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:30am

  436. 436: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @428 Indigo – Thank you. I think I feel angry because I could feel my whole body not wanting to let him in, but I was practicing Rori’s tools, and I thought maybe with Rori’s tools I might have a chance.

    I broke Rori’s rules by leaning forward.

    but I used more of them than I ever have with anyone, and they WORKED with him.

    No one else that I tried them on got the kind of response that it got with him.

    and now that word, “response” is triggering me…

    I DID something, in a way…

    masculine?

    No, I just RESPONDED, where as normally, I clam up, shut down, and run away when I find myself getting interested…

    I abandon before I can get abadoned…

    Need to keep practicing, keep letting guys go when they want to go, be Flypaper, get comfortable with myself…

    starting to feel better…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:31am

  437. 437: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @432 Memulo – thank you, you’re absolutely right.

    @433 Feminine woman – Thank you for this. Perspective is always helpful. Just venting. and venting helped me get the perspective I needed.

    so there’s that.

    didn’t mean to be callous to the “real pain” of others.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:34am

  438. 438: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo that is just a pattern, maybe a thought. Anything can change. You can set an intention and consciously choose to decide it is enough for you. It is a reason why some men stop saying “I love you” and stop complementing women. I have male friends who tell me they will never go down certain roads again because the women they deal with just don’t get it. Believe me awareness can help change anything.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:38am

  439. 439: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I know you don’t Iamhis. The big picture view can help us change our perceptions. Especially when we can try to walk in others shoes and mentally switch places with them.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:41am

  440. 440: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I remember Rori talking on Reconnect about being on the floor in agony about her situation and a ball of fur distracted her for a minute. In that minute she said she switched to giggles. Even in the midst of our “pain” we can choose to switch our focus and realize that we do have choices. We can’t achieve anything in life putting ourselves through mental pain.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:44am

  441. 441: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry Iamhis. I am developing new perceptions about pain and hurt.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:45am

  442. 442: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Put HIM in the friend zone!

    If it were me, I’d tell him I assume he’s gay, or no longer attracted to me, and that that might work as a friendship later on, but for now, it feels too awful

    Then I’d cry and move on

    Rori

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:51am

  443. 443: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    What happens when we choose (yes Choose) to not go down that dark, all too familiar road? How different does it feel when we consciously choose something else? -Breaking patterns.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 10:51am

  444. 444: seahorseNo Gravatar says:

    433, 439 fw

    Hello beautiful sirens. I have been reading since 2/11 and this is my first post. Thank you all for being normal. It has been a wild ride for the last two years, sometimes dark, sometimes shiny and bubbly, and through it all I read the blog and sent many prayers of love and support to all.

    FW, those are the thoughts that changed my way of interacting with the world…………on most days;) Sometimes I fall off my horse and gotta get back on after dusting off and having a laugh at myself good- naturedly for forgetting to see the forest, not just the trees. Or sometimes having to see the tree and not the forest.(insert me laughing) Just depends I suppose on the situation and using the tools. I wanted to say how great it feels to read your words.Thank you FW

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:01am

  445. 445: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “How different does it feel when we consciously choose something else? ”

    Much, MUCH better!

    I feel confused though. We’re s’pose to FEEL our feelings and then consciously choose something else? Where do you draw the line about when enough feeling has happened and you can choose something else?

    I kinda went to some pretty dark places recently. Things feel better today. Is it all just part of the healing process of the journey? …Feel, feel, feel… and then CHOOSE?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:02am

  446. 446: seahorseNo Gravatar says:

    oops………. Feb. of 2011:)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:04am

  447. 447: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe so ALA. When we realize that we can choose, that experience can be so uplifting and freeing. Mainly because we are mostly so afraid of our emotions. We at times believe they are going to overwhelm us. I don’t know that there is a need to draw a line. I choose depending on where I am at and what needs my attention. There are times when I sit with it longer than others but for me I look for opportunities where I can celebrate and say “Yayy I can feel that”.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:08am

  448. 448: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @Feminine Woman – awww, it’s okay. The perspective was good for me. and yes, pain, wow. I know I don’t know the depths of it. I just know my own cushy little pain bubble, which is probably more like slight discomfort compared to what others go through, have gone through…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:12am

  449. 449: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “Yayy I can feel that”.

    … and that’s when the shift happens to choose. It’s all so flowing in and out continuously evolving. I think I get it. Yay!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:16am

  450. 450: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so sad and quiet. It’s too quiet.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:18am

  451. 451: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It’s in the quiet that we can truly connect to ourselves, our heart. To Go!d

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:33am

  452. 452: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I love G0D.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:43am

  453. 453: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I still feel so angry that he was so angry.

    Yes, I am going to confront you and speak my feelings about your crappy behavior.

    Yes, I am hurting, and yes your behavior contributed to it.

    awww, poor you.

    You deserve to see me hurting and unhappy, because yes, you contributed to it.

    Be more careful next time.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:14pm

  454. 454: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I know you can’t say you’re not attracted to me, because you are, and you stare at me all the time, but stop.

    Pretend like I’m Medusa, and you’ll turn to stone if you dare catch a glimpse.

    You are stone to me.

    Hard, cold, and in the way of beautiful, living, breathing, feeling creatures like me.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:28pm

  455. 455: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed. Should save this stuff for my journal. Just want to feel good again.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:44pm

  456. 456: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    OK – hi all….

    Saw him today – everything is sort of ok. I just dont feel CONNECTED to him. We had a nice sort of talk this morning, nothing really … ugh. I just like it when there is a wink and a nod towards the fact that we are close, and it was just small talk sort of. And then I saw him again later this afternoon – same thing. It was ok…..I dont know. Then we got into a discussion about families and how he thinks its crazy when people bring a significant other to their family because they are always bored, and I got the hint that he wouldnt want to come to my family stuff and frankly that I probably wouldnt be invited to his famiy stuff – his family lives like 10 hours away – but anyway – the point is that Ididnt really like that – I dont know.

    Anyway – today has not been a great day for me with him. And after being so close and emotionally etc. close. this day has been hard for me.

    PLUS – I dont think I will see him for the next three days. Ugh.

    I dont know. I’m not feeling good about this. I feel very very distant and detached from him.

    Thoughts?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:53pm

  457. 457: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis: You told me something on Monday that I wish you could still apply today:

    “Don’t want to think about him too much, though.
    Have to keep my own fabulous life going full throttle!”

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting. The wrong guy isn’t worth this much pain…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:56pm

  458. 458: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: It’s very, very normal for a man to pull away a little after some truly emotional contact with a woman. It can be very exhausting to them until they get used to it. It can be so unsettling that they need some time to let it sink in. Do what makes you happy so your vibe stays open and fun. Let him be distant if he needs to be but your panic will be felt so I advise to just find something to make you happy and be open to the love…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 12:59pm

  459. 459: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis – I hear you, and sending you a hug

    Indigo – 428 : Oh my I’ve been needing to hear this. Thank you. Those words calm me down a whole lot and kind of releases me from getting uptight about that (which I so often do).

    Moving Magic – 443: Copied and pasted – thank you!

    Oh gosh I felt pretty stuck today. I definitely have a lot of fear around being abandoned. My thoughts and feelings have been skirting around that for a very long time. It’s kind of sad that that makes me have to shrink my being to operate like that. I feel compassion for myself. I feel I want to be kind to myself – offer a hand to my huddled self, invite myself to a kinder way of being.
    Thank goodness BeautifulMan and I only communicate via e-mail now because I actually have something with which I can potentially separate my issues from what’s going on with us. I was convinced he was abandoning me, although in a very nice way. But our e-mail speaks differently: he’s assured me that it’s not his aim to hurt me, that he is still interested with what’s going on with me, that he doesn’t bear me any ill will because we’re apart (Gosh he’s beautiful, isn’t he? – I’m not expecting anything by saying this, it’s just admiration, which is a shift for me). But I really don’t want to fall into being hopeful about us reconnecting romantically. I’ve taken a bit of space i.e. keeping out of contact, to process things a bit more and get a bit more of myself showing up. I’m feeling worried that I’ll slip into becoming hopeful and that I’ll give up on working through abandonment stuff. Or whatever else pitches up.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:04pm

  460. 460: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @455 Mercedes – You are right. Thank you. I’m just really sleep-deprived and emotional and I’ve lost a friend to death this week too, so maybe my freaking out over this other thing is a coping mechanism too.

    That sounds lame.

    Everything sounds lame.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:07pm

  461. 461: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    thank you, Veronica. ((hugs))

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:08pm

  462. 462: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – I have heard this before in a lot of books. Are you SURE about this? Because I feel like its just an excuse. Or that I’m just making it up to make myself feel better.

    I almost had a “TALK” with him today about my needs, etc. and about this, but I decided against it, I”m glad I did.

    He did pop over right away in the morning to say hi and chat so I know he wants to stay connected.

    He had an opportunity to come over and hang out last night – I know he did – but he didnt take it.

    That made me feel rejected. I never offered for him to come over, I just know that he was out running errands and at the mall, and I know he could have stopped by but he didnt ask to – and I didnt want to ask because that would feel like leaning in – so nothing happened, and now I feel rejected.

    Thats really it – I feel like this is the first time in SO long (and I mean SO long) like over a decade that I have let anyone get back into my life, and I feel rejected right now because he could have come over and didnt.

    And he didnt really chit chat text with me last night.

    And he didnt really “connect” with me today.

    So our intense emotional time was on Sunday afternoon/evening. And since then there has been no REAL emotional connection.

    I havent had it in a really long time and I crave it now that I’ve had a taste of it.

    I really really really want to spend time with him.

    I feel like I”m having to lean back and do all these things that sort of feel against my nature. I love the wayit feels when I give him that space and he fills it – its just that its really hard for me.

    And I didnt like the comments about family and how he wouldnt want to maybe do things with my family and there was an insinuation that he might not ever invite me out to his family….I don tknow.

    We are very different as far as that goes.

    I’m just not left with good feelings here…..which is just a bit heartbreaking and it feels like I’m being rejected because we were in such sync earlier this week.

    help.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:09pm

  463. 463: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Willow – our families, our parents can cause us to question our relationships, our partners. I would encourage you to go back to how you felt in the relationship before your mom asked you that question. That is where I would start before even considering asking him any question about the relationship. If you were happy then you want to find that girl again. That to me would be the best place to start.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:10pm

  464. 464: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    thought this was interesting:

    “You really can’t see or feel anyone else. The new suitors fall short because of who they aren’t–they aren’t your ex. (or Imaginary Ex, as the case may be) They only make you miss your ex more. New potential sources of love and security seem to lack that special appeal. They remain romantically invisible because your ex dominates your attenton.”

    - The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection, Susan Anderson

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:13pm

  465. 465: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Plus, I didnt even get an “hey, you look nice today” and I”m wearing one of his favorite outfits.

    I didnt get one sideways sweet glance. Nothing to connect me with him. Nothing to show that there was something special between us.

    In fact, all I got was some sort of bizarre conversation about how I guess I’m never going to be invited to his family’s house….whatever

    I’m pretty close to shutting down here about this. I am not to the point that I”m picking up my proverbial sword but wow, I’m not happy right now.

    I feel like last week was so emotional, and I just need reassurance that he really isnt going to break my heart…..just like he promised.

    I feel like this disconnect is really hard on me right now.

    I was so vulnerable emotionally, physically, everything last week – more so than I’ve been in a decade, and now I feel sort of abandoned and rejected…….

    How do I tell him that I want to be near him and need to spend time with him espeically right now when I feel vulnerable and need to be reassured that we are ok? I just dont need that forever, but I think I will need it for a while…..ugh I hate feeling like this – and I love it when he steps up for me. I just need him to step up for me right now. Ugh.

    I’m so not happy right now.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:18pm

  466. 466: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – ” I have heard this before in a lot of books. Are you SURE about this? ” – I’m not sure that’s what’s going on with him but I am POSITIVE it is normal. It could be “just an excuse” but whatever it is, it really does happen. In my experience, it happens less and less as men feel more and more safe with a woman and her emotions.

    “So our intense emotional time was on Sunday afternoon/evening. And since then there has been no REAL emotional connection.

    I havent had it in a really long time and I crave it now that I’ve had a taste of it.” – And he probably hasn’t had it in a really long time either and most likely needs a break from it right now.

    “And I didnt like the comments about family and how he wouldnt want to maybe do things with my family and there was an insinuation that he might not ever invite me out to his family” – Do you think it’s possible you’re reading a lot into this? It sounds like he made an off hand comment and you’ve applied it to him hinting that he will never take you to meet his family. That feels a bit like you’re putting words in his mouth. Saying people get bored at those events, in my opinion is not “an insinuation that he might not ever invite me out to his family”. It could mean that but I don’t think that’s what he said.

    Do you remember how freaked out you were when he said something about never getting married again? He didn’t mean anything NEAR what you imagined he meant.

    I personally think he is feeling a bit overwhelmed with all this right now. You’ve had some really great breakthroughs and changes here but remember, he’s had to go through all of that with you. He might be a little tired right now. If so, I don’t think that’s a reflection on you at all…it’s just a man needing some space.

    I would love to see you relax and let life unfold one minute at a time rather than fill you up minute by minute with anxiety. :-) Life will work out beautifully if we let it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:22pm

  467. 467: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    wow.

    “abandoholism is similar to other -aholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. So you pursue unavailable partners to keep the romantic intensity going and to keep your body’s love chemicals flowing.”

    explains why I keep talking about how the pain doesn’t feel as good this time…

    ew, I’m disgusting myself…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:23pm

  468. 468: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    “When someone comes along who wants to be with them, this suitor seems too easy to get to arouse that required level of insecurity they’ve come to associate with love. If they can’t feel those yearing, lovesick sensations, they aren’t feeling anything. So they keep pursuing unavailable partners who bring out craving, pursuing feelings.”

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:27pm

  469. 469: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica it is my belief that if we claim to be taking space and still communicating through email, we really are not taking space. I loved what you said about hope and it reminded me of something I heard recently. How hope is a powerful emotion that could help us build the lives we want. I am not so sure that being hopeful is so bad. It is how we use it to attach ourselves to a particular person or goal rather than to our real dreams of a great relationship. I say let go of the man in your mind but cherish to hopes and desires of your heart. I feel really moved by your words.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:30pm

  470. 470: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Really eye opening, Iamhis.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:32pm

  471. 471: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – As per usual you are coming to my rescue. Thank you for taking the time.

    I dont know if he needs a break. I have seen him every day since then but only bc of where we work which is near my building. Anyway – the point is that I havent had one significant text or antyhing after the morning of that night. Mon. morning was good – we talked and it was a definite connection after the afternoon and evening we spent together on Sunday. So that was good.

    Mon. we were both exhausted. Fair enough.

    Tues…..ummm. I dont know. I guess he didnt feel like texting? I dont know.

    Wed. I had meetings off and on all day and he had to be with clients so we didnt get to talk a lot but again no real texting at night.

    And here we are today. Again, nothing that feels intimate and close.

    I dont understand and maybe you can help me. How do you have that emotional and physical of a connection and not want it again?

    DONT GUYS USUALLY WANT THAT AGAIN? Ugh. I feel rejected because he hasnt made a time for us to get together again.

    As far as his family – yes, I COULD be reading into that – I will give you that. It just didnt feel overwhelmingly good. I can tell you that.

    You said..I personally think he is feeling a bit overwhelmed with all this right now. You’ve had some really great breakthroughs and changes here but remember, he’s had to go through all of that with you. He might be a little tired right now. If so, I don’t think that’s a reflection on you at all…it’s just a man needing some space.

    I hope you are right. I’m scared I trusted someone and I shouldnt have. Im scared that he lied when he said that he would try to never break my heart. I’m scared that he lied when he said he promised I dont need to be scared.

    I’m just scared because I trusted someone and now I feel very very vulnerable.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:32pm

  472. 472: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. And he just left without saying goodbye. I probably wont see him until Monday because its Easter weekend.

    Wow. What do you say to THAT?!

    Ugh. I’m sick to my stomach at this point.

    What if I trusted the wrong guy?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:35pm

  473. 473: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis
    Comment:
    wow.

    “abandoholism is similar to other -aholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. So you pursue unavailable partners to keep the romantic intensity going and to keep your body’s love chemicals flowing.”

    It’s staying with the familiar, no matter how painful. I am the same.

    It’s a waste of time and energy

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:37pm

  474. 474: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    The four rules:
    You don’t have to trust a guy, you have to trust yourself, knowing your own boundaries; not casting pearls before swine

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:41pm

  475. 475: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When we are focussed on one man, abandoning ourselves and looking to him to fulfill our needs we tell ourselves all kinds of stories and set ourselves up for disappointment.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:48pm

  476. 476: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, one thing I can say about my cd is that I NEVER had to wonder. He was always there one way or another.

    Also, being just recently the emotionally unavailable one, I told him all this stuff about being too early to meet his mom and such, but if it were dumbed I’d run to meet his family;) Only I was never invited.

    Really, he left without making weekend plans with you? Maybe he still will? Can you see yourself not being available next time he wants to talk?
    Why did he not marry the mother of his 3 kids?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:50pm

  477. 477: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “How do you have that emotional and physical of a connection and not want it again? DONT GUYS USUALLY WANT THAT AGAIN? Ugh. I feel rejected because he hasnt made a time for us to get together again.” – In my experience, they DO want it again but not NEAR as quickly or as often as we do. As I said though, from my own relationship, I can attest to the fact that J needs that pull back time a lot less than he used to and he’s reached a place where intimate connections are just as important to him as they are to me. And we’ve been together for 8 years. He wasn’t like that in the first year, two, three…

    “Wow. And he just left without saying goodbye. I probably wont see him until Monday because its Easter weekend. Wow. What do you say to THAT?!” – I would say it sounds like he needs some space and he needs to feel that you are fine and happy and secure and the woman he fell in love with – even when he isn’t around. He doesn’t want to feel you being needy. He might even be wondering if all that emotion is something that will happen with you all the time. If he’s not used to this, he’ll be a little unsettled. That will change.

    And ALL of that is you and me getting into his head and deciding what he’s thinking and feeling. Feels a bit unfair to me. If you are this desperate to know “why” he’s not connecting with you right now, maybe you could ask him. He’s the only one who really knows.

    “What if I trusted the wrong guy?” – Then you will be in the same boat that probably every woman on the planet was in at one time or another and you will live through it and we’ll be here to support you and we’ll be here when you find the right guy.

    I think your panic is a bit premature though…he hasn’t said or done anything to indicate to you that he is the wrong guy and you shouldn’t have trusted him. He’s taking some space right now or he’s busy or he’s preoccupied or he’s spaced out or he….whatever. You’re deciding what it all means and you’re deciding why he’s doing it. I think you should maybe allow HIM to decide…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:52pm

  478. 478: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Rori has talked about various types of relationship addictions, but somehow that above quote like NAILED it and helped me to really see myself in it.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:53pm

  479. 479: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: “When we are focused on one man, abandoning ourselves and looking to him to fulfill our needs we tell ourselves all kinds of stories and set ourselves up for disappointment.” – ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:54pm

  480. 480: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    To be fair to myself though, they always do at least start out single. Lol. (trying to lighten things up a little.)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:56pm

  481. 481: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – He is not religious and neither is she. Thats it – nothing deeper than that to be honest. No grand back story or anything. LOL. Sorry, I know its not interesting but its true. :)

    Memulo, I may not have to wonder, but I DO wonder because I’ve been hurt so badly in the past. I honestly dont think he has doneanythingwrong. He has never lied to me in a year and a half EVER. He has never done anything wrong. He has always been clear and honest with me, even when it wasnt the “right” thing to say to a girl. So…..I should trust him. He just told me he would do everything in his power to not break my heart, that he promises I dont have to be scared…..that he wants to do this forever with me. That we can be like this forever, as long as we take care of each other.

    But…..I’m still scared.

    We usually do not make weekend plans, or ANY plans because of our schedules. I usually wait until he texts me and we try to work it then, because of the way things are now, until the fall, thats the way it has to be (long story) anyway – the point is that it isnt unsual that he wouldnt make plans for the weekend…

    ….but given our last weekend, it would be nice at least to hear from him that he would like to see me soon…..something. Anything.

    Why would I make myself unavailable? Just to spite him? I dont know if that feels right….

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:56pm

  482. 482: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    If you are this desperate to know “why” he’s not connecting with you right now, maybe you could ask him.

    Mercedes I totally appreciate why you said this and see the practicality and reality of it. Yet I feel compelled to ask, do you really believe this is the best advice, anyone in this “headspace” should be taking or acting out on?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:58pm

  483. 483: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Jack CD is still single. at least he didn’t have a girlfriend. I usually don’t work up the guts to “speak my feelings to a guy” UNTIL I know he has a girlfriend.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 1:58pm

  484. 484: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: ” do you really believe this is the best advice, anyone in this “headspace” should be taking or acting out on?” – No, I don’t think that’s the best advice at all. It’s probably the worst advice as a matter of fact. The best advice is to do something to make yourself happy, to change your vibe and to allow him this space while you take responsibility for your own emotions and happiness. That was ignored so I offered another solution. It’s not good advice but it is a quick way to find out what a guy is thinking…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:09pm

  485. 485: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes. I love you. I seriously love you. LOL.

    How do you always know the perfect thing to say to me. I should be careful – now I”m going to hold you as a standard that men need to live up to (just kidding.)

    Thank you for sharing about you and J. and being intimate. That helps – it does.

    And if it seems like Im needy its because I am. :) LOL. I am feeling that right now. Wow, when Im not getting constant reassurance, I get clingy. Even if it dont show it on the outside. Sometimes I can get that way – and ESPEICALLY because we were soooooooooooooo close this weekend.

    But the part that made me laugh out loud is this…
    “What if I trusted the wrong guy?” – Then you will be in the same boat that probably every woman on the planet was in at one time or another and you will live through it and we’ll be here to support you and we’ll be here when you find the right guy.

    I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE AWESOME. Totally.

    And I agree wit you again…..I think your panic is a bit premature though…he hasn’t said or done anything to indicate to you that he is the wrong guy and you shouldn’t have trusted him. He’s taking some space right now or he’s busy or he’s preoccupied or he’s spaced out or he….whatever.

    Thanks. I’m still unsure, and worried. But I’ll go about my business.

    I’m just nervous because I was more open and vulnerable in a good way and raw with my emotions and so was he this Sunday and I’m hoping that after a year and a half (yes, he waited a long time for everything……LOL) that I didnt make a mistake.

    Elsie

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:22pm

  486. 486: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – I’m not going to ask him. I’m taking your advice….and frankly, I wanted to ask him today and didnt – it didnt FEEL right to do so.

    We have had such an emotional week, and this is just NOT an emotional guy. He is an ISTP Myers Briggs, and he needs LOTS of alone time and isnt too emotional so this is probably a lot for him to take.

    I think you are 100% and so is FW – and I will not ask him.

    I have a ton to do tomorrow, Sat. and Sunday. (Which is why I wish he had come over last night….)

    But my guess is that eventually he will crave me and that connection again and come back. :) hopefully.

    Thank you all again…..I just am nervous you know? Its hard to put yourself out there. Because you never REALLY know if you are going to get hurt.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:28pm

  487. 487: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: You make me smile! ” I’m still unsure, and worried. But I’ll go about my business.” – That is perfect. I’m not asking you to push down these very real feelings, I’m asking you to try to change your vibe and just let this be what it is in the moment. The best way to do that is to go about your business and find something or someone else to occupy your mind.

    You (although I understand you don’t want to and I’m not going to try to change your mind) are the absolute PICTURE right now of why I like circular dating. It allows us to be open and vulnerable to connect with a man and not get so hung up on him so quickly. It allows us to have all that good stuff and someone else to occupy our minds and fill up our days. :-)

    Again, not trying to change your mind about cding, just using you as an example for anyone who is on the fence about it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:28pm

  488. 488: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “I just am nervous you know? Its hard to put yourself out there. Because you never REALLY know if you are going to get hurt.” – Yes. This is very, very true and it is also that risk that makes it so much sweeter when you DO find the right man. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:31pm

  489. 489: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique @ 388

    Thank you, I feel much more relaxed about this :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:38pm

  490. 490: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Elsie, that’s why we should never take these action advices too seriously. No one knows your situation better than you do;)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:40pm

  491. 491: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena @ 392
    Thank you, yes when I look deeper I realise Im not so fearful after all, I chose to feel anxious about him meeting my family first and would feel more comfortable meeting his mum first as I thought this is how it ‘should’ work, like letting the man take the lead. I thought if he met my family first, this wasn’t the right way round which was causing my anxiety NOT the actually meeting. I would love for him to meet my family.
    Thank you for help me to look more deeply into where my feelings were coming from :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:42pm

  492. 492: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – I know you believe in CD’ing, and frankly, I totally believe in it too.

    For the record, I did just that last fall, and it really did help me take my mind off of the fact that he had gone into a “funk” – and that was just his way of saying he basically needed time to figure out what he wanted.

    He ended up wanting me. :)

    But at the end of that – I told him that I had some boundaries and non-negotiables. He agreed to them. (They are fair.)

    And so we went along.

    I think that if things got to that point again, I would CD again.

    I just need to be by myself now and figure out what makes ME happy. Because frankly, what has been making me happy for years is making OTHER people happy. I dont know how to just make myself be happy because I was seriously so co-dependent – all I know of my own value is the fact that I am value to someone else. Not healthy. And I”m not over it yet – but I’m better – way better.

    I just need to figure out how I am happy by myself – without anyone making me happy, and without making anyone else happy…..how I make MYSELF happy. Does that make sense?

    Maybe I’ll take this weekend, and work on that too.

    Seriously – Mercedes – can we please go have a glass of wine? LOL I”ll buy. :)

    Elsie

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:43pm

  493. 493: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I think sometimes – how little I must have meant to him if he could just walk away without – ever – saying anything to me. Even a one- liner 2 months later. Even if he is super happy in his relationship and found the love of his life – doesn’t it bug at least a litlle that he treated me this way.. So in his eyes I am close to nothing;)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:45pm

  494. 494: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – the problem is that you and I allow other people to define us. And what we are to THEM makes us feel a certain way about ourselves. Its easy for me to see that in you and give you advice, but even though I’m the same way – its hard for me to take that advice. :) Just know I’m in it with you – and these men or anyone for that matter (parents, friends…) dont get to determine whether you are worth “close to nothing….” They dont. He treated you horrible. That reflects on HIM. NOT YOU.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:50pm

  495. 495: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I love seeing all Elsie’s processing and siren’s answers.

    I can remember a time when I had similar feelings, doubts, fears. And I was a much more confident person then and could talk to myself in gentle ways so that I could push through to a happier feeling.

    Now, not so much. My NV’s are going ape sh*t at the moment. All the what if’s and what I could’ve done better. I blew it in sooo many ways! Okay, NV’s I’m done with you for now. I’m getting better and better now and I want to be that happy, confident woman I was. Who I remember, who I really am…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:52pm

  496. 496: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: I’ll have a glass of wine with you any day! :-) I have been blessed to have one with Dominique (that was an AWESOME day/evening) and a cup of coffee with Beloved (another amazing experience for me) and I can only imagine that you and I too could connect in a really cool way.

    Come on over…I’ll leave the light on for ya!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 2:55pm

  497. 497: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Hey…have a fantastic weekend everyone! I have tomorrow off for the holiday and probably won’t be online much (if at all) but…as per usual…I’m sure I’ll be thinking of you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:00pm

  498. 498: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, it sounds like you are relying on this man to “give” you something to make you feel good, feel reassured, feel happy. I would gently suggest that this will never happen, and in fact, may be creating a vibe where he is (even unconsciously) pulling back some because he doesn’t want to and CAN’T be responsible for all of that. This man is still going through a split, custody issues etc. I would think the last thing he wants or needs is that kind of responsibility. He has said he loves how you make him feel, and I’d be willing to bet that means the times when you are soft, undemanding, feminine, happy….

    As always, it comes down to loving and taking care of ourselves and our own well-being before we can truly be “happy” or content with anyone else.

    Sending lots of hugs.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:00pm

  499. 499: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, it sounds like you are relying on this man to “give” you something to make you feel good, feel reassured, feel happy. I would gently suggest that this will never happen, and in fact, may be creating a vibe where he is (even unconsciously) pulling back some because he doesn’t want to and CAN’T be responsible for all of that. This man is still going through a split, custody issues etc. I would think the last thing he wants or needs is that kind of responsibility. He has said he loves how you make him feel, and I’d be willing to bet that means the times when you are soft, undemanding, feminine, happy….

    As always, it comes down to loving and taking care of ourselves and our own well-being before we can truly be “happy” or content with anyone else.

    Sending lots of hugs.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:00pm

  500. 500: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    I wish i would have had this valuable advice a long time ago when my ex husband first started with holding sex. …..oh yeah lovely sirens my divorce was finalized two days ago. I’m feeling mostly relieved, a little angry and sad, but mostly happy that i can move on……focusing on me….how have you guys been?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:02pm

  501. 501: ALANo Gravatar says:

    For me, it’s not that I let people define me. More like what they think of me matters. When someone says something that feels critical of me it sends me into a spiral of getting defensive and wtf are THEY thinking… hmm.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:02pm

  502. 502: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – yes, I think you are right. I need to step away from the situation a bit.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:04pm

  503. 503: ALANo Gravatar says:

    *what they think of me matters more than it should.

    I’m codepenent that way. ;)

    I feel scared and alone.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:15pm

  504. 504: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    cocokisses it is always lovely to see your name pop up. Give yourself some great hugs my dear. Life will get better.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:19pm

  505. 505: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I was feeling emotional last night & chose to go dancing. I love going by myself, it’s truly all about me when I do. I intuitively knew I needed the release. So I danced & danced. Another male dancer (break dancer) grabbed my hand to dance with me & we twirled across the floor so gracefully, easily understanding each others natural rhythm. He lead so well & I moved around it. He dipped me at one point & I didn’t even stop to question his strength in holding me. It’s all a dance ladies…it’s all a dance.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 3:29pm

  506. 506: ALANo Gravatar says:

    just listened to this song. not really a dancing tune, but… made me feel better about letting go.

    I’ve just reached a place
    Where the willow don’t bend
    There’s not much more to be said
    It’s the top of the end
    I’m going
    I’m going
    I’m gone

    I’m closin’ the book
    On the pages and the text
    And I don’t really care
    What happens next
    I’m just going
    I’m going
    I’m gone

    I been hangin’ on threads
    I been playin’ it straight
    Now, I’ve just got to cut loose
    Before it gets late
    So I’m going
    I’m going
    I’m gone

    Grandma said, “Boy, go and follow your heart
    And you’ll be fine at the end of the line
    All that’s gold isn’t meant to shine
    Don’t you and your one true love ever part”

    I been walkin’ the road
    I been livin’ on the edge
    Now, I’ve just got to go
    Before I get to the ledge
    So I’m going
    I’m just going
    I’m gone

    Bob Dylan

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 4:33pm

  507. 507: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Ladies!!
    Checking in with you!!
    I intend to read back a bit and see what has been happening in Siren Land. But I also have news..I seem to be back into dating, well it didn’t last long, I know!!
    I am spending more time with the divorced man with kids (which I didn’t really want)..and he is being super nice and sweet and not quite as religious as I thought he was. Well, he spent the night at my place yesterday which was totally unplanned, as we were just going to the cinema after having something to eat at my place (he has taken me out 5 times already, not cheap places either and I wanted to do something). We stayed at my place and cuddled..and one thing lead to another…and then I realised that he has problems in the downstairs department, and I felt really bummed…because it’s yet another thing.
    Sex is very important to me as I discovered it very late in life and I very much enjoy it…and it made me sad that he has problems…and he is again 17 years older than me and really, I want a man my age who is at a similar stage in life..he has already done the family thing etc.
    Thing is, he has many other perfect qualities, he is smart, cute, eloquent, interested in all sorts, like me..and just treats me really really well.
    He has not mentioned commitment but I don’t think it is because he doesn’t want me, I get the feeling he is aware of the situation and isn’t holding out a lot of hope that I will be turned…I already explained my concerns to him, before I discovered that he has problems ‘down there’…when he left this morning he already said ‘whatever happens between us, I will always think fondly of this night’ and so on.
    I am going to stay open and we will see what happens…he has taken me a little by surprise..as I didn’t think he would make a move on me like he did yesterday…but a good surprise.
    Now I get to read back and see what has happened here ;)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 4:36pm

  508. 508: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Tam – Is there a way that he could please you that doesnt involve actual sex? Could he take medicine for it? I know that they do make medicine for that? That all might be TMI for you to share – but I’m just thinking that maybe it doesnt have to be the dealbreaker you think it is?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 4:56pm

  509. 509: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @cocokisses – I”m not sure I should say congratulations to the end of your marriage, but I am sure you are happy that that part is OVER, and you are starting fresh, so for that I say congratulations :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 4:58pm

  510. 510: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @CurvySiren10 – Wow – thank you so much for answering me – it always amazes me when people not only read my story but remember little parts of it and help me later – this place is amazing….

    Yes, I think you are right. I am relying on him to reassure me and to make things better, when its not his problem to begin with. Its not his job to fix what is broken inside of me. Its not his job to fix the hurt and pain from my previous marriage. Im sure that he feels it a bit because when we were very close I cried and said that I was very very scared. And he said “scared of what?” I said “scared you are going to break my heart.” And he looked right at me and said – I am going to do my best to make sure I never do that.

    He wont use the word promise unless he knows its something he can promise for forever, etc.

    The next time a few days later, I asked, Do you promise I dont need to be scared….and he said yes, I promise you dont need to be scared. It was sooooo sweet.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:01pm

  511. 511: TamNo Gravatar says:

    506..aww..Elsie, yes it crossed my mind.
    But that would be something for him to decide/bring up really.
    Early days.
    Yes, I do like all kinds of different ways of making love…but I really did not have much sex for a long time, and I also had a boyfriend before who had a problem..and it caused a lot of frustration and turned sex into work and a constant fight trying to keep him going. I really wouldn’t want that again…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:05pm

  512. 512: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I missed soooo much today!!!! (((((Elsie))))) how are you doing. Sounds like you had a rough day but you got a lot of great advice!!!

    I on the other had did soooo well all day! And now that I’m home alone and it’s after 8pm I’m starting to think….what the heck was that gesture last night? Is he waiting on me to call? Is he gonna call later? I’m so prepared for worst case senario. I just need whatever is going to happen happen. I was prepared to wait it out till after the holiday weekend if he didn’t call tonight but I’m about to text him….I NEED SOME TYPE OF CLOSURE!!!! Yes I said it, I know I’m supposed to be ok w no closure but I will NEVER be ok with that.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:13pm

  513. 513: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_
    Did you happen to get and read the Christian Carter email today?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:19pm

  514. 514: nme008No Gravatar says:

    So because I did have an affair when I was married (I hate even saying it) I try so hard to fight the stigma of “once a cheater always a cheater” I guess that is why communtication and clear cut answers are so important to me. XM is single now and interested in seeing me….IF I were single I’d go out with him. But I honestly don’t know what is going on with M. How long do I just wait for him to contact me? If he doesn’t I’m not one to just be like “oh we aren’t together” I need (for me) to get in touch myself and have this conversation.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:26pm

  515. 515: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “….because it’s yet another thing.”

    There always seems to be a “thing” doesn’t it. Why can’t a guy with all the right “things” magically appear? There always has to be a “thing” and I myself am getting mighty tired of dealing with a man and his “thing”

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:30pm

  516. 516: nme008No Gravatar says:

    …..I think I’m gonna call….

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:34pm

  517. 517: ALANo Gravatar says:

    nme – in a way I think D was testing me when he pulled away to see if my feelings were real for him. It was a major trust issue. If I could’ve remained calm and not freak out it might be different now. But I needed all that reassurance. For lack of better wording, not intended to be harsh on you at all. He might be wondering if he’s just a ‘bar fling’ to you.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:37pm

  518. 518: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting.. I imagined.. someone asking me to promise I won’t make them feel the certain way… and my body responds with a shut down feeling and kinda freaks out internally .. it feels so interesting… hmmm… looks like my body knows better than me what I can control and what I can not.. and promising something like that would be .. hmmm… a lie.. because I can not guarantee that really… And I personally would feel restricted and unsure that that person is really interested in me, being myself……. omg I’ve never felt that safe and content with myself…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:37pm

  519. 519: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Yes, call!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:38pm

  520. 520: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – I”m not Buddhist but they believe that at every moment you are a different person. The air you breathe in your body makes you different, etc. So, the person you were then and the decisions you made then are not who you are now. Everyone makes mistakes…..if we didnt we wouldnt be human – and we wouldnt learn anything either. Be gentle with yourself. Your mistakes are what help you know when the course of action you are taking now is actually the right one. :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:40pm

  521. 521: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    nme: go out with XM!!!! I feel like screaming this…M guy is giving you nothing and you are waiting for crumbs…this shouldn’t be so hard. the answer is clear…M is not being your boyfriend he’s just stringing you along and you are taking it hook line and sinker, girl.

    Why are you being loyal to someone who has no loyalty to you and doesn’t treat you well??? Get a hold of yourself and start dating other people!!!!

    Sorry I know this is harsh but its so obvious to someone from the outside, and IMHO you need a reality check.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:41pm

  522. 522: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – DONT CALL.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:41pm

  523. 523: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Vi – I didnt ask that he would promsie I would or wouldnt feel a certain way.

    I asked if he could promise that that I dont need to be scared because he will do his BEST to TRY to put effort into this relationship.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:42pm

  524. 524: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @nme – Dont call – you did GREAT last night. Let him see that you are ok without him. I KNOW you want to hear from him, but think how good it will feel to RECEIVE that call or that text from him.

    Create the space between you guys so that HE can fill that space. As a boy he wants to chase….to hunt….to do…..you should receive and just BE.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:43pm

  525. 525: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @LIquid LIght – yes. That was harsh to nme.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:44pm

  526. 526: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_518_ Thank you for that…I struggle with what I did everyday. I hate it about me, how weak I was.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:46pm

  527. 527: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_515_
    I have concidered that before but don’t know how to change that feeling in him if it is true. I honestly dont know how he can feel that way. We are together outside the bar a lot. But he has said stuff a few times that makes me think he doesn’t know how much I care. Do you wish you reached out more to D?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:48pm

  528. 528: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    well, its the truth…why sugar coat things…that’s what us women do all the time with ourselves and it doesn’t really help anything

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:49pm

  529. 529: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I dont feel good about giving advise. My head is not in the right place. I want to feel like I fit in here and be there for everyone.

    The hand gesture thing gives me the impression he wants you to call. Maybe he was scratching his ear. Who knows.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:52pm

  530. 530: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    its just frustrating to see someone like nme who seems like she is gorgeous (from her pics here) and smart and has everything going for her to waste her time on someone who doesn’t seem worth it. IMHO.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:52pm

  531. 531: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light_ I hear you I really do. But I have to stay true to ME and although M may not be treating me right and I deserve to be treated the right way that doesn’t give me the right to step out and cheat. TO ME that is what going out w XM would be if M and I don’t OFFICIALLY break up first. That’s just me….I really think XM will be around in a week or so if things go south w M.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:52pm

  532. 532: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light_ THANK YOU for saying I’m gorgeous (I love that pic!!!) I KNOW I deserve better then what’s going on right now. AND I don’t like things sugar coated, so don’t worry about offending me. I feel like that is why I want to call M. It’s for me not him. I need that conversation to move on IF that is the case. And if it’s not he needs to decide if he wants to be with me cause I’m NOT ok with how things are now. His choice.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:56pm

  533. 533: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_ You seriously had me laugh out loud!!! THANK YOU, I needed that. He was not scratching his ear haha. I know that for a fact. I was just unsure if it was “call me” or “I’ll call you”.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 5:59pm

  534. 534: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    nme: you are welcome :) you probably have a ton of men pursuing you all the time but maybe you aren’t aware of it.

    if you call him its just going to make him back off more I bet. Be cool and collected, don’t call, and go out with other men. That would be the most attractive thing you could do concerning M. But if you want to scare him off (and I actually think that would be GOOD THING ;) then call him. That’s MHO anyway.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:00pm

  535. 535: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Personally I would have given him the finger, that would have been a very clear gesture. That’s what he deserves after all the game playing he’s been doing with you. IMHO.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:02pm

  536. 536: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I wish one of you lovley ladies lived near me…would be great to have coffee or better yet a glass of wine and chat…none of my girlfriends GET the way I’m thinking and trying to BE. uggg….feels lonley without someone to talk to for real that gets it. I know we’ve all said that before.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:03pm

  537. 537: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I wish me and D had a better understanding of each other. When I would reach out to him he took it amazingly well and was receptive to it. Considering what I’m learning here is not the best way to go. Now that I know better, I would not reach out to him as much, listen at level 2, etc. It feels like most of our damage was done so early on, things were said in anger, He found another girl to comfort him and I started CDing. Things went downhill so fast after that. Not trusting each other at all.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:03pm

  538. 538: ALANo Gravatar says:

    “Personally I would have given him the finger, that would have been a very clear gesture.”

    Yes! I also wish that I was more assertive with D too!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:07pm

  539. 539: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light….if nothing else you and ALA are giving me a good laugh tonight. Better then tears of frustration.

    You know what is crazy? I was just telling my roommate today…one it’s not that M is perfect, looks wise or anything. I mean I am attracted to him and his personality (not latley lol) but he does have what I’m looking for and I dont find that often. I do get hit on a lot, and I see it lol, but its by grown men sagging their pants or wearing flat brimmed hats not even fully on their heads. Uggg….or not working, or living at home still. Or any other milllion things that I don’t want. Where are all the men with careers, and pants pulled up and don’t think they are gangsta at???? lol. Is that to much to ask???? I think I need to move…..Florida here I come.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:09pm

  540. 540: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_What are your thoughts around XM??? I don’t think I’m in an “imaginary relationship” with M but at the same time I don’t know what is going on now. Do you think that going out with XM is cheating and I need to see/talk to M first? That is kinda how I feel but don’t want to be stupid and blind.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:12pm

  541. 541: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Okay universe, I might not be emotionally ready right now. But if your listening, I want Mr. Amazing to find me. Someone without any “things” that turn me off. It would be fantastic for someone to show up and surprise me! … to LOVE every”thing” that man has to offer!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:14pm

  542. 542: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not saying that Liquid LIght isnt right or wrong….I’m just saying that its just gracious to say something to someone in a nice way. You can say the same thing nicely…that just my opinion. :)

    nme – I don tknow why he was doing what he was doing with his ear….YOU WILL FIND OUT WHEN HE CALLS YOU LOL….

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:14pm

  543. 543: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_ M has told me numerous times he thinks I’m am an impatient person, I want what I want and I want it now. But he’s also told me he likes how much I talk and how open I am with him. I am pretty assertive with him, but when I see him. I hate distance he has created because I don’t feel like I can be me and open up to him. I don’t like the texting thing cause when you get mad or upset you can just fall off. And the phone? I feel like there is just more to a conversation then words….body language and all…it makes me mad that I’m not getting that opportunity.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:18pm

  544. 544: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_read 538….I want your thoughts….I did text XM back and am feeling guilty…

    After he asked if I was single I said that his timing is crazy and right now I don’t have a clear cut answer on that. He said he was single and I laughed and said well I dont know where that leaves us now. And he said “well if your single that leaves us getting together”……I havent responded to that. I FEEL really guilty like I should not respond and shouldn’t have????

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:23pm

  545. 545: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Maybe XM will wait for YOU until you are sure where you are with M. No rush to find a replacement. Talk on the blog if you get to feel lonely. I know it makes me feel so much better! (even if I do sound a little crazy at times) It’s much better than making unhealthy choices.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:24pm

  546. 546: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_ Let me know if talking to the universe works lol. I have a friend of mine that tells me he is gonna create for me the perfect man…but I have to wait 18 years for him lmao. I told him I will not be a cougar in 18 years so that’s a no go.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:25pm

  547. 547: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_that is exactly why I’m on here right now! If nobody was here to talk me down right now I’d be making some poor desicions I’m sure.

    I’m sure XM will wait….know what’s crazy? M & XM have the same name lol. Well I wouldn’t have to worry about calling them the wrong thing if I decided to step back from M and CD them both.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:27pm

  548. 548: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Darling nme, you are beating yourself up and whats worse, you are begging him t. o join he party.
    I am so sorry, please forgive me if I am horribly blunt, but unless a man is in you life, telling you he loves you, calls you, takes you out, makes you feel good, you are in an imaginary relationship at best.

    Pushing him to respond is pushing him over the edge for good.
    Why would you want to put yourself there sweetie?.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:32pm

  549. 549: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Trying for a distraction…..what’s your weakness? Guilty pleasure? Me? SHOES….I’m sitting in my room looking around and my shoes make me FEEL so good!!! I own about 35 heels, 15 boots, 20 sandals…..I think I have a problem, lol. Not counting sneakers and flats…

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:33pm

  550. 550: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Some people are saying mean things and calling me slutty for CDing. Yet the same people are all hush, hush (like THAT”S okay) about D and that girl. Typical double standard. Feels so baaaaaad!!!! But, that’s how men, and even some women are. Like what Tam’s friend did, setting it up with a friend to ask her out. Seems sketchy. Since M’s friends I wouldn’t try to hook up at al until things are clear.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:35pm

  551. 551: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    nme – You can do what Christian Carter says you can tell him “I cant take a man seriously who wont xxxx.” And then you leave it at that – if he wants you and your request is reasonable then he will step up.

    Honestly, concerning XM, I think I would make it light and funny and say – “well, Cinderella, now the shoe is on your foot….” I have to sort a couple of things out and then I may let you have your wish to take me out. But I turn into a pumpkin if boys are mean to me, just fair warning. :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:35pm

  552. 552: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Yes CD them both!!!! :)

    yes, I’m feeling a bit angry right now but I’m not going to apologize for what I said or how. IMHO there’s too much beating around the bush here and that’s what we all get from most of the people in our lives. To me, this blog is about doing things differently and facing ourselves and our patterns honestly and then maybe choosing a different path. And possibly getting a different outcome. We’re not going to evolve if we just keep recycling the same ol same ol…

    I don’t talk my friends like that but here we’re all anonymous and maybe we can benefit from some straight talk.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:36pm

  553. 553: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda G_ I don’t know if I just am on a different page as to what an imaginary relationship is but when two people are together and say that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and that they are exclusive and care about eachother I feel like you need to say it’s over if it is. And I’m not pushing him, that’s my problem right now lol. I WANT to push him, but I know that is the wrong thing to do. So are you saying if your in a relationship and distance happens you think it’s just over without any conversation? Just wondering are you in agreement with the “it’s not a commitment with out a ring” group? I don’t agree with that….

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:37pm

  554. 554: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Where do you live, and what is your shoe size, and can I borrow them…..

    Now my cinderella shoe reference is even FUNNIER!!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:37pm

  555. 555: ALANo Gravatar says:

    * I wouldn’t try to hook up with XM at all until things are clear with M.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:39pm

  556. 556: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    nme – here’s my take on this. If you guys were exclusive – I mean, REALLY exclusive….then you should read Queens Code tonight. That will help you. Then you can figure out if this is a man you even want to deal with or not.

    After you do that – at some point in the next week or so (I know you dont like being patient) Im sure he will call you etc. Then you can get together and chit chat about all of this.

    DONT say you want to have a “talk” just talk about it when you see him.

    If a week or two has gone by and he hasnt called you then I would say that he has broken up with you sweetie….

    At that point, I would go on a date with XM. Two weeks is NOTHING …XM can wait two weeks. :)

    Thats my two cents.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:40pm

  557. 557: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    ALA – I agree. If it really was an exclusive relationship. Then I totally agree.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:41pm

  558. 558: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light_

    I haven’t taken offense to anything. And honestly? Maybe cause that is how I talk to my friends, weird that I think I’m nicer on this blog then in real life. I am not a mean person!!! I’m just very blunt and don’t hold back. That’s why I HATE feeling like shit about me and M now. I’m a strong, beautiful woman that can offer a lot and deserves a lot!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:43pm

  559. 559: ALANo Gravatar says:

    It can be difficult for a man to breakup with a woman. They dont want to hurt her. Like saying NOTHING doesn’t hurt. But that’s their reasoning.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:43pm

  560. 560: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_ I’m an 8 and I feel like I’m always the one on blogs living on the east coast! :( lol.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:45pm

  561. 561: nme008No Gravatar says:

    ALA_ That is almost what I feel like is going on …. but come on, he is 34, MAN UP!!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:48pm

  562. 562: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_549_ yeah I read that but can I tell him that in a text cause he isn’t here!!! lol.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:51pm

  563. 563: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Ok so I feel good. I text XM and told him I had a few things I need to sort out and can I let him know? I also said it felt good to hear from him and I’m glad he got in touch. He said to def let him know. One good thing…now I think I read Queens Code.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 6:58pm

  564. 564: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I admit I am sketchy about your details. But it seems the relationship is not clearly defined. A man, or woman can say or call it anything they want. Its how it plays out, how it makes you feel. Uncertainty is not commitment.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:03pm

  565. 565: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I think if distance happens, you have to let it breathe, you can’t push it back together. I agree with whomever said circular date with both men, more if possible.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:06pm

  566. 566: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I love what I just read in Christian Carters book

    “But I’ll give you this…lots of men need towise up and realize that they need to take the time and figure out what a woman is about, too. But that’s another book…”

    I’m liking this guy!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:07pm

  567. 567: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Linda G_
    Thanks!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:08pm

  568. 568: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Linda – Great points, both your posts!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:14pm

  569. 569: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Noticing how much being called “slutty” by people who dont even know me bothers me. It even affects my posts and advice here.

    I was worried that M would yell at nme like D would yell at me.

    weird

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:20pm

  570. 570: nme008No Gravatar says:

    If anyone called me slutty they would get a big kick in the ass and have no part of my life.

    M has NEVER yelled at me. Although I cant say I never have…but only once!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:23pm

  571. 571: nme008No Gravatar says:

    …I think only once lol.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:27pm

  572. 572: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light your words are strong but I see them as reflective of Rori’s advise to the woman in the article above. Unfortunately, not everyone is in a place to handle the truth. Until then you might only get a deflection or an argument when you try to convince them to see things the way you do. This guy doesn’t even seem to be stringing anybody along because he is not even showing up. He is doing what he wants as well as responding, from a distance, to the nudges that he is getting. Since I have been on this blog I have seen similar situations and can practically predict what is going to happen.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:28pm

  573. 573: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    “Slutty” is a ridiculous, malicious and judgmental notion. Unacceptable

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:29pm

  574. 574: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 550 Liquid Light – that is what I call tough love.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:32pm

  575. 575: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    feeling a bit angry at mdcd, I haven’t heard from him since our last date. he’s the cheap one and I think because I haven’t suggested a date then he’s dropping the ball. (If I suggest the date then guess what?… I pay, that’s the expectation the last time we went out 3 years ago.) That ended it then and I think its ending it now. It’s not a big deal but its just lame. And I don’t like lame men.

    My last guy paid for everything and was very generous. And I didn’t appreciate it and then he dumped me. Ugh.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:34pm

  576. 576: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ALA bring it back to you and ask yourself if there is a part of you who thinks of yourself that way?

    Is there a part of you that you consider a slut? Can you find it in you to love her?

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:34pm

  577. 577: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LL – that is standard. If you suggest it is kinda innocuous that you are inviting. If you invite, you pay.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:36pm

  578. 578: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Honestly I would just like for nme to value herself and what she has to offer. I bet she looks awesome when she goes out (with all those shoes and her looks, it sounds like she knows how to look hot). I would just like for her to realize what a prize she is and not just look that part but play the part. That’s super attractive, men can’t resist that!!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:41pm

  579. 579: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    that just bugs me…not attractive!!! its just so non-masculine and unappealing for a man to play it like that and be so cheap that he waits for the woman to suggest something so that she can pay. Its so f’n pathetic!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:44pm

  580. 580: ALANo Gravatar says:

    oooh, more tasty nuggets of wisdom from FW for me to chew on!

    I’ve has unhealthy attitudes about men in the past. And would just use them sexually and any other way I could find what use they would be for me.

    ((( I Love my inner slutty girl )))

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:46pm

  581. 581: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Well I’m over here being fussy because I know he is at home and could easily EASILY text me.
    I wont text him first (I never do)…..and I’m giving him the space he needs to fill…..and I’m just over here “Be-ing” and waiting for him to do some “do-ing.” LOL.

    Actually, I just did my very first “It Works” body wrap I had been wanting to try forever.

    I lost 2 inches in 45 min – crazy!!!!! I thought the whole thing was a total scam – I guess not….and I’m glad I bought the 4 pack haha!

    Not that I’m fat, but it also helped smooth my skin out on my tummy….

    So I’m already feeling better about myself :)

    It was my treat for tonight. :)

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:50pm

  582. 582: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yes ALA. Rori encourages us to use a little Marilyn Munroe style. We women consider certain body language, behaviors, tone of voice as slutty but if we can flip that and make it feminine it could help us. Also some of these things are things that men are attracted to and because some women are naturals we are unconsciously jealous. Behaviors that might not have been what your mama ordered are things from the past. Leave them in the past. They don’t define who you are today.

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 7:53pm

  583. 583: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Oh I’ve been very consciously aware that I get jealous easily of other women. Flirting and being feminine doesn’t come easy to me at all.

    Yeah, all my using issues are in the past. D really brought up some triggers on my (past) behaviors. At first I didn’t know what he saw in me as a loveable person. And I had NO idea how to love him!

    I’m glad that I’m learning so much. It’s like all my life I had all this stuff scattered about in my head. Now I’m learning how to put it together and make sense of it all.

    I have so much appreciation for this!!!

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 8:15pm

  584. 584: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Whew! I can relax… Not that I wasn’t feeling relaxed earlier today. Actually, I was, strangely enough.

    There is really nothing wrong with my life. The only thing that could be better is if I had the kind of money flowing toward me that would fill my cup and flow it over so that I then wouldn’t have to worry about that either.

    But I have to first accept, I suppose, the idea that at least part of me is actually ENJOYING this sense of lack. It is reveling and exulting in the restriction imposed by money that comes in at “not enough.” And I can’t really explain or justify it. Maybe I don’t need to. It’s “exciting” in a way. It seems to propel me forward – this feeling that I always need more than I have. It’s part of my inspiration.

    I guess I am afraid that if I had “enough” I would lose my inspiration. My creativity would shrivel up and disappear.

    Holy crap. That’s it. I’ve never really hit on it like that. My sense of creativity is really important to me and to my identity. But I associate it with “lack” and the pressure that comes with it, which forces me to create, to be innovative any resourceful. Without that, I probably figure (subconsciously of course) that I wouldn’t have any creativity left.

    Ironically, I don’t know that I’ve been using my creativity all that much. I mean, I’m sure that I have been. Just as much as I could, and maybe not in all the ways I would like. Hm…

    I’m glad I wrote this out. Maybe I can start unwinding that belief and replace it with something else…

    Ok, but that’s not even what I was going to post originally. I was going to say that I was not stressed anymore, because I heard from my CD : ) not that I was really worried. I guess I just kind of missed him! But I guess I just wanted to give him
    a chance to miss me, too ; )

    He’s really sweet. He checked in with me about my sick cat. I was so touched : )

    Thursday, 28 March 2013 @ 11:40pm

  585. 585: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme

    I don’t think calling him will change anything, except that I think you’ll probably feel an even bigger “pull away” and that might hurt.

    If I were you, I would give it another week and if he doesn’t call, I would consider myself broken up and move on from that moment. Yet, even if he does call, I would be wary and very careful. A man pulling away like this for a couple of weeks without an explanation is something to seriously take note of and not gloss over. Anyway, I’m sure you know all of this. For what it’s worth, you sound great!

    Your shoe collection sounds amazing!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:01am

  586. 586: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know what I did exactly, but somehow my perspective changed and I got my power back & I am so relieved and happy to know that I DON’T want Mr UnA back in my life ever again. And all that he is doing now to get me back (which is primarily disrespectful to me) is just reinforcing my belief. It is such a satisfying relief.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 1:57am

  587. 587: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Rory’s teleclass feels so soothing.. and it feels like a rock I can lean on and rest and recharge.. so supporting..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:10am

  588. 588: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Good morning ladies how are u all? Happy Easter to u all. I have been following many of u stories especially Elsie. I also see one or two new ladies on here. Its the Easter weekend and I always get excited by long weekends. My family and I are getting together on Easter Monday, not just my parents and one of my sisters and her guy, but my auntie, uncle and grandmother. But I feel a bit bored right now. I am off on a week and a half break from work, so I am not returning to work the day after easter monday, but go back the follwing week. As usual I have work to do during the break but I have lots of personal business to do. A business I am planning to start is moving one step closer and I thank God for that and pray that it will be successful. But I am feeling a bit lonely right now. Maybe because its the long weekend and I have no guy to spend it with. When u are single, apart from spending time with family(which is what I am going to do Easter Monday), how do you spend your time so as not to feel bored? Some of my friends have boyfriends and some are married. One of my friends live next door to me. We have been friends since we were children and she is in the same profession as me. But she is very busy just like me and even worse cause she has a family. She can’t seem to find the time to go out at all. I once suggested something, but she couldn’t make it, although we have gone out before. We talk a lot on the phone via conversations and bb messengers but no time to go out. I have other friends still. My sister and her guy are gone out of town and will be back later. What is your advice here? Is anyone in my situation now and have been in my situation? I wish I could meet an interesting man. Appreciate any advice. Welcome Ne008 and any other new ladies on here. I see you have integrated yourself into the community. I feel so bored right now.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:38am

  589. 589: TanyNo Gravatar says:

    Rori: i got it aborted :( though i wanted to goahead.
    All i got from him is couple of hugs not even a kiss

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:51am

  590. 590: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((((((((((((Tany))))))))))))))))))))) Sorry about your pain. I hope you can let go of this horrible experience and move forward with your life

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:55am

  591. 591: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “A man pulling away like this for a couple of weeks without an explanation is something to seriously take note of and not gloss over.”. Oh boy, u can say that again Indigo. I figure u remember my story with disappearing ex. Totally unacceptable Nme (hope I get your name right). My friend next door who I spoke about above told me that she had a friend whose boyfriend disappeared for a few weeks I believe, it couldn’t be days. The friend promptly gave him his marching orders. My friend told me this when I was telling her about disappearing ex. Ne, disappearing ex use to disappear for a few days at a time. One day he went missing for a whole week. Then the final disappearance took place last July. Disappearing of any sorts is totally disrespectful. While people need space for a day or two, I agree, disappearing for days and worse weeks is TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL and a big red flag to me and I know to many of us. I sincerely hope that I don’t meet any man like that again. Disappearing and then reappearing as if its business as usual. Totally unacceptable.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 5:04am

  592. 592: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    k2012

    Internet dating!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 5:05am

  593. 593: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hey Indigo, morning. Thanks for responding. Internet dating, oh boy. When it comes to internet dating I am so unsure. Up to a few days ago, on Monday actually I said to hairdresser when she came to do my hair that I am not going back to that route right now whether through dating sites or social networking sites cause the last three men I interacted with was via facebook and I want to give it a break. The first guy who was an acquaintance wasn’t ready for a relationship cause he hadn’t healed from his divorce, the second guy as u know Indigo became disappearing ex and the third guy became overseas cd. So its like I want a break from that, u know what I mean. But I am registered, although not a paid member on a christian dating site and saw a few days ago in the email that the site sent to me, a guy from my country. It is the second time I am seeing this or the third time I believe and wondered if I should take a look. I ignored him but I believe I might take a look and see if he sounds interesting. I feel a bit frustrated. I wonder sometimes how some women can find the right man so quickly while I take long to find mine. And u have some people who have no conscience who love to ask if I don’t find any guy yet. I have a friend who lives overseas who loves to do that. She doesn’t know about disappearing ex. She knows about the first guy who had not healed from his divorce and who didn’t make it to relationship stage. But I haven’t called her in a long time. U can’t ask people things like that, worse when they encounter one disappointing man to another. And she is giving the impression that I am picky.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 5:40am

  594. 594: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    k2012, I don’t want to make any assumptions about the country you live in, or the sites you are on, yet I have met very many lovely guys via internet dating.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:02am

  595. 595: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Everyone_ You know what I’m kinda getting this morning for some reason? I’m sitting here reading Queens Code, and earlier I read all the posts since I signed off last night. And although I love all the advice everyone is giving me, I’m wondering if I’m somehow wrong or missing something. In Queens Code it says to concider that there is a good reason for everything a man does. Now M can have a personal reson for withdrawling that has nothing to do with me….he also can be withdrawling because he doesn’t want to be with me and is unsure how to end things. I’m aware of this….but I need to concider there is a reson. Also I know lots (if not all) of you are saying if I hear nothing in the next however long I should just concider us broken up. But in this book and also Christian Carters it is saying it’s in the questions you ask….texting may not be ideal but I’m staying true to myself and if I don’t hear I will move on….but I’m asking the right question…and I’ll wait for an answer. That’s what I need for ME. Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind….I’m only on chapter 3 out of 8 but I’ll decide when I’m done the book….give me an hour lol. Oh Queens Code also says that if you beleive a man has a reason for everything he does then to ask if your not sure what that reason is “I assume you have a reason for everything you do” “I’m trying to understand better. Would you be willing to tell me why you did such n such that way?” …. then LISTEN!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:12am

  596. 596: nme008No Gravatar says:

    BTW I’m NOT making excuses for him….I’m just saying there is a reason, and I want to know it.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:14am

  597. 597: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme

    I think that sounds really healthy. None of us really know what his reason is, although he undoubtedly has one. For me personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking, if that’s what you need, and I probably would. I think we are just cautioning you not to linger too long in “what if” land – I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, I don’t mean it to.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:31am

  598. 598: nme008No Gravatar says:

    It doesn’t at all Indigo. Thank you for sharing. I kind of think if I hadn’t stumbled on RR’s book and blog this wouldn’t have dragged on as long as it is….I would have asked. Honestly I would have just gone to his house last weekend. Is it weird for me to say instead of feeling stronger I almost feel weaker since reading the book and being on here? I don’t know….I feel way more cautious now.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:43am

  599. 599: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Elsie_I just read the part that I’m terming your favorite lol…..”What’s the alternative?”….”Lay it down. Lay down your sword.”

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:47am

  600. 600: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
    I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

    Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
    You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
    Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
    My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but G0D is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:21-26

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:48am

  601. 601: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I almost feel weaker – I wonder if vulnerable is equivalent to weaker in your belief system.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:06am

  602. 602: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_I just never doubted my deserving of answers and being treated the right way. And I wanted and deserved answers so if I didn’t get them freely I went and got them. Now I feel like I’m wrong if I do that. I don’t like this feeling….maybe this is all still so new and therefore I’m not exactly clear on how I should be acting yet. Hopefully I’ll learn and feel stronger again. And sure…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:10am

  603. 603: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    nme

    It doesn’t sound weird. Other women have said the same. Don’t forget though that a central theme of both Rori and Dominique’s work is that the guy must be able to *do* relationship. And be right for you. Some men are not.

    I find if you really read what Rori has to say, she is clear about behaviour which you should not be ok with. There is one article she has, which is excellent, where a girl’s boyfriend also started pulling away and getting distant and Rori’s advice was pretty clear – get mad, then move on with your life.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:11am

  604. 604: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The key is when you got your answers were they what you wanted/expected. Was it with openness of mind and heart that the other person had the right to choose to not give any answers? Were the questions asked out of curiosity or were they demands?

    Looking at the outcomes might help direct your mind to what works for you, then going out and doing that. Are you able to walk away if the answers are not what you want.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:15am

  605. 605: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_ hmmmm well when M decided he “couldn’t” date me anymore after something happened in January I wanted answers and I did demand them….you know what? I wasn’t ok with his answers either. I told him he was wrong and fought for him to see things my way. In the end he left sticking to his guns…and I backed off. I said my piece. Then he came back. I wonder though what would have happened if I didn’t fight? Would he have still come back? Would he have come back and things be different now? Cause things def are not the same this time around. I do want answers, I’m not ok with nothing and no closure. BUT I need to learn to take the answer I get and be OK with it.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:25am

  606. 606: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Indigo_ Glad I’m not the only one….this is soooo new to me. I have always been the one to get what I want, however I can do that. Now I feel at a loss. Ok so I can get mad, I am mad lol. And I can move on…but I want an answer. Hmmmm I want it all apparently.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:27am

  607. 607: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I told him he was wrong and fought for him to see things my way – this is a clue to the way you are in relationship. Men don’t like to fight with their women. Sometimes they give you so you have your way but in the long run it is likely not to pan out well, especially if they don’t agree and they end up feeling insignificant. A man’s ego is bigger than a woman’s and his ego will not allow him to be run over by any woman. His wiring might demand that he defends himself.

    Maybe if you had agreed with him, as Rori suggested and used surrender speech, rather than control speech, he might have come. No one can guarantee that. The juice would be that he chose to come back because he wants to. All on his own accord because he saw for himself that he was wrong.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:33am

  608. 608: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When you get the answer, then what? Do you really believe it will make you feel better?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:34am

  609. 609: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    I read this quote from Abraham-Hicks and thought of Elsie, and really this blog in general. I think this really nails it…

    Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the
    hook.” And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing.
    Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give
    anyone else responsibility for the way you feel—and then, you’ll love them all.
    Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as
    your excuse to not feel good.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:35am

  610. 610: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/

    How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him? And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

    Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:39am

  611. 611: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_ When I get an answer I may not feel better, I may be crushed. Depends on the answer. But just like with J….I dated him for 4 months and he fell off. Not even like M is getting distant, J seriously just unfriended me on FB one day. I did reach out and say “WTH is going on???? Seriously? Unfriend me and that’s it?” and he says “I don’t know what you want me to say, I just can’t do this right now. It’s to much for me” So here is my answer….when J told me it was to much for him, did it make me feel better? No, I was still hurt. BUT I had an answer and for ME personally I felt better after the hurt stopped. That is what I need, everyone is different. The answer isn’t so I don’t hurt in the moment of the break up but for me after I’ve healed.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:42am

  612. 612: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not just that.. I was able to walk away with no closure and no questions asked, but I haven’t been in peace ever since then.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:44am

  613. 613: nme008No Gravatar says:

    I agree w Memulo.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:49am

  614. 614: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    To me looking at both scenarios I would want to know how did the hurt stop? I bet nme008 you believe you are worthy of being treated so when you accepted he had moved on you chose to stop the hurt because you were convinced you could do better.

    In Memulo’s case I believe you are choosing to feel hurt because you do not want to move on. You want this man even if it kills you. A man who stopped having sex with you and was making all kinds of excuses to not be with you. I put myself in your shoes and ask myself why would I want to be treated that way? This is not about getting an answer. He would tell you what is in his heart and nothing would change for you. I have know women who were given answers like their body part was not good enough. He was not enjoying the sex. Recently a therapist told that to me boss. When he asked how long they had been separated she said 15 years. 15 years he had moved on to another happy relationship. Yet she was stuck in the place where he used those hurtful words in her ears. Unable to believe that another man could want her. Why would anyone want that?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:01am

  615. 615: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Peace is a choice.
    Happiness is a choice.
    The Universe is filled with abundance of options.
    How could I give another human being to keys to my peace of mind?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:03am

  616. 616: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so angry and disgusted about wanting a man who does not want me. Any man would ask you what is wrong with you if he knew you wanted him when he clearly shows you that he does not want you. Anyone would feel icky in that context.

    yuck

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:06am

  617. 617: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    Just checking in! I am so sorry I will read back over the blog in a mo..

    Basically I have had a real shock this week regarding my friends. And my emotions feel all over the place?? Am I being a drama queen I wonder??? Hmmm…

    Even single on of them either cancelled or couldn’t make an ‘even’ I put on. Ppl say not to take it ‘personally’ – but in my bones it ‘feels’ personal. I also sense a slight sniggering behind my back – which has also upset me.

    I have experienced this MANY times in my life where I’ve had a fantastic group of friends – and then over time I have lost each and every one of them. And the worrying thing is I have NO idea why?

    It’s like one day people just get ‘bored’ of me and that’s it I never see them again.

    The phone calls and emails get less, they break arrangements with hardly any notice, they tell me they are ill but then I see them out wirh other people, etc, etc…

    I seriously DON’T think it’s normal for any one person to literally NOT have ANY friends….

    I started to think maybe I am slightly mad and weird and that I don’t realise how people view me. It’s started to freak me out and I’ve started to feel really weird about myself and selfconcious – like there is some’wrong’ with me that everyone sees apart from me. Like maybe I am special needs and I don’t even know. I’ve startedto double check over everything I do and say. I feel wracked with paranoia – when I speak I feel paranoid…

    I just desperately want to fit in…

    Why can’t I handle things?

    Mmm… I feel very confused…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:07am

  618. 618: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I loved what both you, FW, and you, CurvySiren, had to say.

    Ultimately, we have to be happy and at peace no matter what other people are doing. It’s not really an easy place to get to, but it is liberating. That deep, abiding love for yourself is what gives you the strength to take you through.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:15am

  619. 619: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca I honestly don’t know what to say. It is odd. There was a Rebecca on here a couple months ago that wrote some words to me that felt odd and angry. It seemed a bit unnecessarily intense and I felt pushed back so I did not comment for a while in response to any Rebecca. There were more than one at the time so I am not sure which one it was. Be that as it may, sometimes people experience us differently than what we think. I had a similar experience in the past when I was throwing a shower for my sister-in-law. There was some bad weather though and some of them brought gifts after. But I was seriously pissed and still remember how I felt then because no one showed up. Even some family. I was relatively new to the environment in relation to the friends and she still is not the outgoing friendly type. I encourage you not to beat up on yourself but to commit to becoming familiar with yourself just in case there is something flying beneath your radar of conscious that only needs a simple shift.

    One thing I have started practicing is complementing myself and so it has recently been easy to complement others. I find people love that.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:19am

  620. 620: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I guess people say if you feel something then this is real. I don’t feel valued or liked – so this then is real…

    I wonder how I can make people like me??

    Idon’t know what to do – I feel whatever I do is wrong…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:25am

  621. 621: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Rebecca))))

    Asking yourself what is wrong with you is such a self-defeating exercise, although an understandable one. As my mom would say, it’s like dragging a dead animal around. Put it down and be fully and wonderfully and unashamedly *you*.

    If you really look around, you will see that it is perfectly common for people to lose friends *all* the time. It is rare that one person has bevvies of close friends, and even the people who you are think are particularly extraverted and popular most likely only have a handful of good friends and lots of superficial ones.

    Maybe also base the criteria you use to choose your friends on different things? I remember being told (also my mom) “go where you are celebrated, not tolerated”. The number one criterion I use to choose friends are people who LIKE me, people who like to be around me and make me feel good. I do not even bother with people who don’t *really* like me.

    That said though, have you thought about maybe the kinds of things you could do to be a good friend? Reaching out to someone who is having a hard time, sharing your interests and taking an interest in theirs?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:37am

  622. 622: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca you can’t make people like you. You could look around for things that people like and then give to them from your heart. That won’t make them like you but it could help you feel like you are making a valuable contribution to the planet.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:44am

  623. 623: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Also, you maybe amazed Rebecca, but sometimes it is our sense of “differentness” that draws some people to us.

    There are lots of people all over the world who feel like they don’t really fit in, and may be waiting for a friend such as you.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:58am

  624. 624: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So rrue Indigo. When I was going thru the EFT Tappong video with Louise Hay a couple months ago I felt so deeply touched nd moved when she mentioned the words “feeling terrorized by life”. I felt oneness with her when I realized I wwas not alone in that experience

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:04am

  625. 625: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Just saw a newsletter from Christian Carter about Rori. As I saw the caption in the email, her name came to mind. It is about chasing. I haven’t finished reading it yet but Christian praised her and called her the world’s best coach. I totally agree with that. I have just hung up from a friend who resides overseas and were discussing men of course. She is actually my uncle’s ex who has become a very good friend of one of my sisters and myself. We discussed my breakup with disappearing ex (again, lol, I know, I know I talk about it a lot, but I told her he has not called at all, lol). I told her about overseas cd and him not wanting to call etc and she shared her experiences too. I told her about Rori for the second time and how Rori’s newsletters and Christian’s own too has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Told her about this blog. As a matter of facct, I am going to forward a newsletter to her and encourage her to subscribe. I was praising Rori and Christian. I am going to read that letter in a while after I look after breakfast (or brunch). I hope most of u are subscribed to Christian. He is good. His newsletters were the first I got and then Rori’s. At first I couldn’t follow his letters but they have improved significantly. He says that he and Rori are friends. Have u ever noticed that all the relationship coaches are in California and they all seem to know each other? Rori, I believe Christian is from California too, Jonathan, Elaine. Not sure where the others are from, like Mike.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:06am

  626. 626: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    So I am still getting remarks from Mr UnA why I won’t reengage with him. Since I realized I really don’t care whether or not anything happens with him anymore, I’ve been amazed at how calm I’ve been. I wonder if it’s been doing the visualization of being on siren island and just waving good bye as the he sails past.

    Before yesterday, I felt conflicted & even like something was wrong with me if we didn’t get back together – even though I knew he was wrong for me. Many times, I unzippered my heart and felt everything drop to my pelvis, but still felt a bit of panic, loneliness & almost desperation. But yesterday when I did this again, something inside me shifted & since then I really don’t care.

    You all haven’t known me for much more than a week or so, but really this is an amazing breakthrough for me. This pattern of back & forth, being treated disrespectfully, getting crumbs, then getting a feast, etc has been going on for years. I felt so stuck & so frustrated. When I began the tools I did hope it would somehow get him back, but now I’m so glad it didn’t. This is so much better – I finally feel free of his me-me-me victimhood, manipulation & selfishness. I want this sense of freedom to continue.

    In the past when it was going well, I felt like I was this magnificent, beaming, vibrant flower in his sunshine. But when it wasn’t, I felt like a used, crumpled-up potato chip bag tossed under the bleachers, left behind in the mud. It’s hard to be firm when it’s inconsistent.

    I don’t want to go back. I’d like to hear from you to help solidify this experience in me. I think that may help me avoid falling into this attractive trap again.

    ———–
    nme – I haven’t written anything to you because I think others have done a much better job than I could. I agree with FW.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:21am

  627. 627: ALANo Gravatar says:

    coming in late here… like the 15 yr. woman FW was talking about. When I was using men I had some pretty thick walls up. I had been hurt by a man and decided right then and there that nobody would ever hurt me like that again. To the present day, now… I have been perceiving my weaknesses that I am a weak person. Putting it together in my head, it’s really an opening of vulnerabilty! And this is a good thing!

    Today feels like a blank slate and I am the artist. I’m going to paint my day with things that give me passion!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:29am

  628. 628: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 617

    Rebecca I honestly don’t know what to say. It is odd. There was a Rebecca on here a couple months ago that wrote some words to me that felt odd and angry. It seemed a bit unnecessarily intense and I felt pushed back so I did not comment for a while in response to any Rebecca.

    Oh Feminine Woman that is me then as I’ve noticed you have responded to me for the past few months. I wonder why you feel this degree of anger towards me, Would you like to explain?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:34am

  629. 629: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 617

    Rebecca I honestly don’t know what to say. It is odd. ‘There was a Rebecca on here a couple months ago that wrote some words to me that felt odd and angry. It seemed a bit unnecessarily intense and I felt pushed back so I did not comment for a while in response to any Rebecca. ‘

    Oh Feminine Woman that is me then as I’ve noticed you have responded to me for the past few months. I wonder why you feel this degree of anger towards me, Would you like to explain?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:34am

  630. 630: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 619. I like that analogy of questioning/doubting yourself being like dragging a dead animal around. Wow.

    FW – 622 I keep meaning to google this EFT stuff. I think you’ve mentioned it before. Sounds intriguing.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:36am

  631. 631: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 619 – thank you for your advice – I love the thought of all us people who don’t fit in making friends with each other!! Hehe that would be great..

    I know you say that most people don’t stay with the same set of friends forever, and I agree to a certain extent – but they seem to stay friends with other people.

    Like I have friends from school, uni, work etc and they are all still friends with each other.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:45am

  632. 632: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman

    I apologise if you see me a “flawed” but anyway, I’ll move on…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:47am

  633. 633: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    …I was laughing to myself at the expression ‘don’t take it personally’. It reminds me of the line from You’ve Got Mail where Meg Ryans character says something like:

    Joe Fox: It wasn’t… personal.
    Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s *personal* to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?
    Joe Fox: Uh, nothing.
    Kathleen Kelly: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:53am

  634. 634: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I think i did not express myself clearly. I am no angry at you Rebecca. I cant remember what the discussing was just that I got the impression that my input was not welcome so I dropped it and decided I wouldnt comment again. But there were 2 Rebecca’s at the time

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:59am

  635. 635: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca what did I say/write that suggest I see you as flawed?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:01am

  636. 636: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I was supposed to have a date tonight. The guy said he’d pick a restaurant to meet and let me know. Just got a text from him: ‘we still on tonight?’ dont want to respond to that;)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:05am

  637. 637: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I think in general I feel nervous about how to handle most situations that arise in friendship – i.e. people asking something of you, people letting you down, etc…

    I know Rori talks about being open and honest about our feelings but for some reason that doesn’t seem to be working for me – and I guess I am feeling freaked out by it.

    So, I told many of the people who couldn’t come to my even that I felt disappointed and sad that they couldn’t make. All I got was a stoney silence back from them. So, I am very confused about how and when to share my feelings.

    Also, I confided in a friend that I was feeling really vulnerable because two of my closest friends had repeatedly let me down last minute and not given me much of an explanation and have not seemed eager to make other arrangements. Also, they keep putting the ball back in my court and asking me to keep rearranging stuff even though they continually break arrangements or worse still just don’t show up.

    I guess part of me knows I am being selfish because obviously stuff comes up all the time and you have to break commitments but I just feel like I am going round and round in circles with them, and not getting anywhere.

    I guess I don’t know how to be with them. Do I take them at their word and try and rearrange or do I see, well, they’ve broken commitments to me on several occasions – shall I just knock this friendship on the head?

    I guess I feel a bit nervous and anxious about that. Does that make me a loser? And also, why do these people not want to hang around with me. I really like them. What have I done wrong?

    Hmm.. endless questions I guess…

    Also, to my face they are really lovely and apologetic. I feel very confused. I don’t know what to think…

    I guess I know I wouldn’t let a man treat me like this…

    Hmmm…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:05am

  638. 638: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Why not Memulo?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:07am

  639. 639: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 632 – I think you are probably referring to me – and I find it slightly scary/disturbing that you might think there are two of me.

    I think it’s just me – I have never seen another Rebecca on here…

    But, I think in reality I do get this a lot in life when people feel they don’t know me, or that I am like 2 different people – so I would fully imagine that is what’s happened here.

    Anyway, for the record Feminine Woman – your input is always valued and welcome – and sorry that you felt like it wasn’t.

    Yes, things may trigger me, but I think that’s a good thing for me – so maybe that is what you are referring too?

    But, noooo – I love your comments!! They are very insightful and to the point!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:14am

  640. 640: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Why on earth wouldn’t you respond to that Memulo? He’s basically confirming your date. I feel confused…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:16am

  641. 641: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman – 633:

    Rebecca what did I say/write that suggest I see you as flawed?

    Just when you said I was “unnecessarily intense”.

    But, yep, you are probably right – I don’t know..?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:18am

  642. 642: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    .. sorry, just to add. I don’t see myself that way – but none of us rarely see ourselves as we really are – so maybe you do have a point. I’ll take on board..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:19am

  643. 643: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry, I am taking over the blog.. rant over :)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:21am

  644. 644: nme008No Gravatar says:

    FW_612_ For me the hurt didnt really last that long. We weren’t super serious. I liked him alot, and honestly liked his kids alot too. So it was more missing the fun times we had together. I wanted a reason or answer because life is a learning process and I wanted to learn from my experiance. It also has to do with being a grown adult and taking responsibiliy for the choices you make. Not everything is easy to do. Like what I have to say to M is not going to be easy but you dont just ignore something and hope it goes away. And this is for ME, how I view life and how I want to live it. I know to each their own. You may not be the same as me and that’s ok. :)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:23am

  645. 645: ALANo Gravatar says:

    My dead animal dragging is when I go to another website where D goes. I need to stop this!

    From CC’s email today:

    “Don’t be afraid of appearing weak. If you need something – something of course that has nothing to do with the relationship – don’t be afraid to ask. This is what being a girl is all about.”

    I am afraid of appearing weak and asking for help. I want to switch this.

    My vulnerabilities are what makes me unique and feminine. Everyone wants to help me! Yes, everyone… even men!!!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:28am

  646. 646: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    nme008 – 603 – Trying to get someone, anyone to see things your way rarely works. People have their own ways of seeing things, handling things, interpreting things, and no one way is the right way. There are many right ways unique to the individual.

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:31am

  647. 647: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca in my humble opinion what is playing out here is

    1 jumping to conclusions
    2. taking something personal
    3. putting words in someone’s mouth

    From where I sit I remember two Rebecca’s and I am not sure the situation involved you, as I said before. I did not say you were intense. I said ” some words”. This to me is different from saying “you”. It also said “It seemed a bit unnecessarily intense”. Which was me choosing my words to avoid saying that it was intense. Obviously my lesson here is that I have to choose my words more carefully to help others to hear me.

    I wonder if you expect to get criticized so you prepare to defend yourself?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:32am

  648. 648: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    you dont just ignore something and hope it goes away – this is how some people operate and just because you or I think things should be another way doesn’t make their way wrong and ours right. They are just different and choose another way. That works for them. We can’t control how people operate.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:36am

  649. 649: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “It also has to do with being a grown adult and taking responsibiliy for the choices you make.”

    Some people do this by just moving along and away from what is not working for them. They take responsibility for their life and what they want in it. That doesn’t mean they “owe” anyone an explanation. No one “owns” them.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:39am

  650. 650: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Oh the newsletter posted by Christian in his newsletter was the “chasing newsletter”. That is my favourite newsletter of Rori and it certainly opened my eyes to many things that she spoke about that I was doing with disappearing ex-calling him, emailing him devotionals, planning trips for when he was to visit, when we were to do the road trip (which he suggested instead of a trip on the north coast and basically as Rori said in that newsletter acting as “the social director of the relationship.” When I first read this letter a few months ago and reach the social director part, I totally cracked up. I was doing many of the things in that letter and WILL NEVER DO THEM AGAIN. That’s why I refused to call Overseas cd with the exception of one time and refused to call back even when he asked me to. I am not calling them. If they are interested in me, LET THEM CALL.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:40am

  651. 651: nme008No Gravatar says:

    Dominique,

    I am soooo getting that. I can be very hard headed and I know this about myself. I can tell you the situation I was referring to I was so adamant about him seeing my way cause I was being accused of doing something (participating) I KNEW I didn’t do. That was frustraiting. But I guess if he was so dead set on beleiving an untruth about me then that’s his issue not mine. :) Always so happy when you chime in and give insight!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:41am

  652. 652: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 645 – yes, I would say that I do expect to be criticised, although maybe not in an open way.

    I often feel like I can’t win with people.

    One of my friends always seems to be waiting for me to stop talking so that she can speak. And she makes it really obvious that she thinks I talk too much and hog the limelight. This makes me feel really nervous around her and like I am treading on egg shells – and yes – I guess I am totally waiting to be criticised by her..

    Also, other friends, if we go on nights out I am really nervous that they are not having a “good” time.

    One friend told me I always seem to be “mothering” everybody.

    Hmmm… maybe this is true…
    I just don’t know how to stop…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:42am

  653. 653: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/when-you-want-to-explain-teach-yourself-to-keep-your-mouth-shut-instead/#respond

    It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the same time.

    It’s about as far away from “geisha” as you can get -

    And yet – would you really do that in the boardroom?

    I mean – if the team leader wasn’t “getting it” – would you “help” him – or her?

    If the president came to your office meeting and someone was explaining something to him – badly – would you “step in”?

    If you did that – likely – it wouldn’t work out well for you.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:44am

  654. 654: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – I see an opportunity for incredible growth regarding what you’ve been writting about in your personal friendships with this little snafu w/ FW.

    I really didn’t see her blaming you or anyone. It’s a misunderstanding thru these written words – can happen easily.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:46am

  655. 655: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    And, I have learned to keep my mouth shut.

    The moment I catch myself (or my husband catches me) starting to step in – I stop instantly, apologize, and take myself out of the room. I go do something for myself. I write.

    Try it – when you feel like explaining, or clarifying, or fixing, or doing it and saving someone else the trouble, or making sure they don’t go in the wrong direction, or correcting anyone – take a step back.

    Put your hand over your mouth

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:46am

  656. 656: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I just really wished I could be one of these people who always turned up late and didn’t care, or criticised everyone and didn’t care what people thought about her, or just was condescending and rude all the time.

    I just wish I could be like that and not care about other people feelings soooo much. I feel I do everything to make people happy – and I really enjoy it – I just sometimes wish I could be a b!tch and not give a sh!t what anyone thought.

    I know so many people like this. All they do is criticise and moan and whinge and grumble all the time and make sarcastic comments about everybody.

    I really wish I could be like that..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:48am

  657. 657: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I see a bunch of posts come in while I’m typing.

    Yay, Rebecca!!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:49am

  658. 658: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, because I am used to guys letting me know the name and address if a restaurant after that conversation;) and not a text without hi and bye.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:51am

  659. 659: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    ALA – 652 – hi – I am really confused by your response to me – can you explain?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:51am

  660. 660: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo people are different. My sense was that this guy might be concerned about getting rejected. There are round holes and there are square holes. Everyone is not going to operate the same way.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:52am

  661. 661: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    ALA – 655 – Yay – Gotcha!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:53am

  662. 662: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – 656 – co-sign!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:54am

  663. 663: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca I agree with ALA. I deliberately engaged because I wanted something to come up that could possibly shine a light on how you interact. Like looking in a mirror. This is a blog yes, but we likely interact here like we interact in life. So yes this could work as a mirror.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:55am

  664. 664: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Some guys are clueless. Some need us to teach them how to be with us

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:56am

  665. 665: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 654 – How do you know it sounds stupid to me?

    Are you judging yourself as stupid?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:57am

  666. 666: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman – 652 –

    “I mean – if the team leader wasn’t “getting it” – would you “help” him – or her?”

    I’m so sorry but yes I would step in. Always. Every time.

    I’m sure it is a flaw with me.. I just really don’t know what to do about it.

    Gosh, I am in such a mess..

    I would help out anyone who I felt I could help out. Maybe I need to take a step back from this…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:57am

  667. 667: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 663:

    “RE 654 – How do you know it sounds stupid to me?

    Are you judging yourself as stupid?”

    YES!! Good point!!!

    See, I do love and value your comments!!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:59am

  668. 668: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not finding the article I was looking for detailing more what I said above. This one is similar and deals with some of what’s been showing up here lately.

    http://sexandheart.com/why-men-dont-call

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 10:59am

  669. 669: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca the link to that article is in 651. As Rori says “put your hand over your mouth”

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:00am

  670. 670: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – Dominique is great at helping people to bring things back to themselves. Judging and criticizing yourself is not helping. What can help is finding a way to love those parts of you.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:02am

  671. 671: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – 667

    “Rebecca the link to that article is in 651. As Rori says “put your hand over your mouth””

    Ooooh, I don’t know if I could do that, I think I would feel all horrible and yucky and fake…

    But I’ll give it a go and see what comes up..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:03am

  672. 672: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, yes I agree that everyone is different. Still I don’t want to be treated this way. I don’t need shady one-liners after a long and pleasant conversation over the phone. Plus he should have made plans yesterday and preferably over the phone or at least with a nice polite text. Nope, not for me.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:06am

  673. 673: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I felt fake when I started it at work. Only to find out I got more attention than when I was constantly talking. Even the very senior managers were leaning and looking in my direction asking if I had anything to say. Others would come up after letting me know how surprised they were that I am so quiet and letting me know that I should speak up.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:07am

  674. 674: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Plus he should have made

    shady one liners

    All I have to say is “wow”

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:09am

  675. 675: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    or at least with a nice polite text – I think I would say this to my kid.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:11am

  676. 676: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    671: Femininewoman – Yes, I see what you are saying. The problem is for me that it seems to change on a day to day basis.

    One minute I speak up – and it’s the wrong thing – if I keep quiet – it’s the wrong thing.

    I can’t seem to win…

    It’s like people sense when I am holding back or something and I feel wracked with guilt.

    This has happened many times in my life – and I do feel I have lost friendships through it – though I agree at the time I felt like I was doing the right thing.

    But you are also right – there are times when I do speak up and it all seems to go pear shaped and I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

    The worse thing is when people keep on and on at me. like they keep pushing me.

    What do you do then?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:14am

  677. 677: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – With all due respect – I seriously think this guy’s text is totally fine. Seriously. Go out with him, and then later explain what you like and what you dont. Its that easy. :)

    @CurvySiren – Thank you for your quote – “Its my job to make me happy, you’re off the hook.” I LOVE that….so good.

    @Dominique – I LOVE this article of yours. http://sexandheart.com/why-men-dont-call EXACTLY what I needed to re-read. I’ve read it before. I think I”ll bookmark it. Its EXACTLY how I”m feeling today. He didnt text at all last night. I most likely wont even see him this weekend. I wanted to text him today something really funny from the grocery store but held back…..I want to give him the space he needs…

    Also, I’ll say this – this man completely shifts gears. For example, when he takes a shower and leaves my house……as he gets out of the shower and starts getting ready……He is already in work mode. He is thinking about the drive, about getting dressed, about work. LOL – he has “moved on” in his head from me, and I can see the shift happening.

    At first I would get upset, like hey arent you going to come over here and snuggle, etc. but then I realized, it was so cute.

    The poor thing can only think about one thing at a time. So instead of being angry, I look at it in a cute way – silly boy, can only think of one thing at a time. :)

    I love the idea that Dominique has too that they connect during the day when they think about you – they DONT NEED the constant communication….

    But wow, I coudl really use some of that today.

    I am feeling very strongly that I need to be reassured.

    Ugh.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:39am

  678. 678: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    672 Ditto FW.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:50am

  679. 679: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    That’s what I want FW;) I don’t like what I am offered at this point. Why would I take it?

    I like my dates set up nicely, I like to feel like a princess:) ‘we still on tonight’ – seriously?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 11:51am

  680. 680: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – I’m confused. By not responding to his text, are you hoping he will phone you to set things up? Or by not responding, are you sending him a signal that he blew it and you won’t be going at all, tonight?

    And to All: Are my posts showing up at all? I was hoping for an affirmation to 363 584 or 624. thx

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:00pm

  681. 681: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    I’m posting for my mom who would like some advice but doesn’t want my father to know. She has been married to him for 31 years. She found out recently he has a major porn/sex addiction and has been chasing after a woman he works with. He has been lying to her, deceiving her, hurting her. SO MUCH. He apologized and promised to change, ect. several times but nothing happens. He also said he was never in love with her but married her anyway. I don’t think he will ever change and I really want her to move on and be happy. She wants closure, but I know she wont ever get the truth from him. She and i would love to hear your opinion on this please.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:02pm

  682. 682: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula, no message to him;) I don’t care about going out with this setup.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:04pm

  683. 683: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Memulo -Tell him you feel better knowing a day or two in advance what the plans are. You’re a busy girl!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:14pm

  684. 684: ALANo Gravatar says:

    It’s rude and feels like a self-imposed princess locked away to not respond.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:20pm

  685. 685: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Libelula -I’m quickly skimming between clients. Still thinking about what you wrote. It’s very similar to mine. Feels too triggering for me to be objective right now.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:31pm

  686. 686: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – With all love, I’m telling you that I thnk you are being way to harsh with this guy off the bat. I would think thats an adorable thing to do….to check in with me andmake sure we are still on. Sorry, but I think you are wrong on this one…

    @Renee – Welcome. 30 years is a long time. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, has an addiction to porn, and is actively seeking an affair, I would tell her that her choices have been made for her, and that she should look to herself for happiness and move on.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:34pm

  687. 687: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    ALA – Thanks for responding. I suppose I am feeling too much. Maybe this is showing me how I’m triggered when I feel ignored. Something for me to ponder. Sorry if I came across as too needy.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:36pm

  688. 688: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – I agree with ALA its actually rude to not repond. He has asked you out. He has checked in with you to see if you are still on. If a guy did this to a girl we would be furious that he was leaving us hanging. Honestly, I agree……I think its rude…..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:37pm

  689. 689: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    651: Femininewoman says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/when-you-want-to-explain-teach-yourself-to-keep-your-mouth-shut-instead/#respond.

    Oh Gosh that is so me. I want to teach understanding and sadly none of us are able to do that. I want the other person to just get it.

    Just talking, explaining and telling will not ever make this happen. What does and has worked for me though is taking a certain action. Sometimes then the other person has ab aha moment.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:41pm

  690. 690: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm…

    I wonder – thinking about things more clearly – I realise I can be flippant and casual with other peoples feelings – because often I don’t realise I am doing it.

    Another friend asked me out for Monday and I was like “Yeah, maybe” even though I have no intention of going but I was keeping my options open incase I change my mind.

    Yuck! I am a hypocrite I think??

    Ahhh… I don’t like to think about this…

    Another friend told me of his holiday plans and I haven’t even bothered to respond to him??

    What is this about??

    It’s like for some people I will jump through hoops and then others I ignore – I think it’s probably that the ones I ignore are the ones I take for granted.

    The person I poorer my heart out to the other day I barely know – yet I fully expected him to be there for me – even though he has asked me out himself several times and I have always said “no”.

    Boy, I am a fake… I don’t want to look at myself right now but my eyes are opening to soooooo much….

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:44pm

  691. 691: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, in fact this friend who I spent about an hour pouring my heart out too – I didn’t ask him one question about his day…

    Yuck – I am so self absorbed..

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:45pm

  692. 692: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – I agree with you – if you don’t want to respond then don’t respond..

    …but then I have just called myself self absorbed so I’m not sure if really that is the best advice.

    Hope this makes sense!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 12:47pm

  693. 693: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I don’t feel right about his style. I’m not responding;) I am not a minimal effort girl.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 1:12pm

  694. 694: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens
    I have not caught up on the blog but hope to when I get on a real computer it’s very hard on my phone…

    I took myself off the dating site.
    I don’t have the patience. I need to process the letdown and wasted energy of talking /texting/email/ dating with the same result and outcome: Nothing.

    I mean it’s a learning experience so that is something but basically it’s nothing as far as a relationship developing. These guys say they want a relationship but then cancel on me for work.

    I feel annoyed and angry and frustrated.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 1:39pm

  695. 695: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    @Elsie
    Thank you for responding.This is precisely what I have been telling her. I understand moms 31 years of memories, but if they werent real ..I wish I could get her to let go

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 1:46pm

  696. 696: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    @Elsie
    Thank you for responding.This is precisely what I have been telling her. I understand moms 31 years of memories, but if they werent real ..I wish I could get her to let go. :(

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 1:47pm

  697. 697: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “It’s rude and feels like a self-imposed princess locked away to not respond.”

    This kinda reminds me of Carol Allen archetype who speaks about single syndrome. One of them is the woman who is locked in the tower.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:00pm

  698. 698: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Renee. What kind of closure is she looking for? What kind of truth does she want?

    He has told her that he does not love her.
    He has admitted to everything he does.

    Does she want him to stop and recommit to her?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:05pm

  699. 699: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    695 maybe I have single woman syndrome

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:11pm

  700. 700: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee. No he wont change and yes it could get worse. After 35 years my mother discovered an affair. Two years later another one (how many before that? ) ..much pleading and heartache etc, etc. Mum and he separated and he loved with his lover ,and eventually he came home. Then he got a cancer diagnosis . Mum nursed him till the end only to get NO CLOSURE..no “I Love you’s ” , no thanks and only a slap in the teeth. She found photos of him and the mistress on the new turned grave..taken when he was in his last weeks ..he was still slipping of to see her, and he left her money in his will. Forget closure, on your horse and ride on!!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:18pm

  701. 701: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Here’s another OM video you might enjoy

    http://onetaste.us/sxsw.php

    On that note – I came across a recently posted ad by OMCD, he’s saying he currently has nobody to practice with.

    I really didn’t get that his vibe was smarmy…
    and I’m wondering, if, in not responding to his last minute text, that I gave the impression I’m not interested.

    I am still interested, but I believe we agreed to a phone call that I never got and then got a text that he was available that night and the next morning, that I didn’t respond to.
    I hadn’t heard from him and I imagined he had several other women he was practicing with.

    Maybe I leaned back a little too far? Erred on the side of caution?

    What do you think?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:30pm

  702. 702: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Renee – 679 – You are absolutely right that she needs to move on. Closure (whatever this really is) won’t make her feel better. He will say what he wants to say anyway.

    Please encourage her to let him go, and please support her through this transition. It may feel really scary and difficult for her.

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:34pm

  703. 703: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He called and I expressed to him how I want to be courted. He said he is there to please. So we are going out tonight;)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:39pm

  704. 704: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula – 685 – It’s perfectly okay to ask for attention. In a relationship too. As a coach, reading back over your posts, it seemed to me you had it figured out, thus not needing a response. So yay you in letting all know that you wanted reassurance and validation.

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:40pm

  705. 705: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – You’ve had a wonderful discovery here, that you’ve been aching for the attention of those who don’t seem to be interested yet rejecting the ones who are. How about taking a deeper look at this? How about consciously giving your full attention to those who ARE wanting to be around you, with you?

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:46pm

  706. 706: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    seahorse, so glad to see your lovely post, and look forward to hearing more – you sound great, and your writing is so evocative and great. Love, Rori

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:57pm

  707. 707: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    HI all….

    No texts today. Feeling lonely and rejected. I know it may not be real, but wow, it feels real.

    But I”m Rori Raye’ing it (yes her name is now a verb) LOL – and I’m not contacting him.

    I could have shown the easter egg coloring today, or sent a hysterical text from something at the grocery store, but I didnt.

    It feels icky to text first, it feels masculine to me…..

    So…..I wait.

    Ugh. Feeling icky and rejected.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 2:59pm

  708. 708: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    It feels weird to see this pattern in myself that I see so often elsewhere – “I feel worried that he might not think I’m interested!”

    I feel icky and groggy from drinking part of a cola a while ago.

    Yick. I won’t be doing that again.

    I’m not sure about OMCD – doesn’t Rori say, when in doubt, lean back?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 3:12pm

  709. 709: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique- Thank you! So is the best thing to do in relation to feelings as they change and change and change again, just to observe them?

    K2012 – 588 Here are some things I suggest: coffee shop, tea shop, bike ride, go for a walk, park, book stores, movie, etc. There’s a book store in my area that hosts all kinds of speakers & authors on all kinds of topics. Many of these are free or minimal cost. I often attend these when I go out alone. Is there something similar to that in your area? Perhaps a community center that sponsors talks? I also feel comfortable going to a movie alone. I’m not as comfortable going to a restaurant by myself, but I have done it more than once – I’m sure to bring a book along so I have something to look at. Restaurants just don’t have that CD – “opportunity to flirt” thing for me.

    FW – 379: Thank you for posting that free webinar. That was very interesting to listen to. I hope to listen to it again. She rushed through the last bit about being ‘magnetic to love’ so I had trouble taking notes.

    Renee – hugs to you and your mom.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 3:41pm

  710. 710: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Libelula – 709 – Yes mostly, for we feel hundreds if not thousands of them each day. Even the ones which stick with you longer, especially the bad feeling ones, it’s usually a good idea to see where it comes from, eg. is it really this person in front of you who is bothering you, or did he trigger something in you which really has nothing to do with him at all.

    Usually if something is still with you days later or it’s something heinous, then speaking up is a better idea, for letting something sit inside and fester is not good for YOU.

    Most anything good feeling, speak up as much as possible and in the moment if you remember.

    xxoo

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:09pm

  711. 711: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks BeLoved

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:22pm

  712. 712: ViNo Gravatar says:

    685 I would feel triggered too.. not to know the place feels like a ..trust fall too me.. it would take me to express my wants and don’t wants and would get me out of my comfort zone a little.. kiling a messenger feels waaay easier to me.. ) but what a great free practice and therapy it would be!
    Have fun Memulo!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 4:33pm

  713. 713: joan TNo Gravatar says:

    Just a couple weeks ago did you said not be his friend?
    Or is that wrong?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 5:24pm

  714. 714: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Woot!

    After meditating and savoring some greek yogurt – I called my mom just to check whether my new headset is working and ended up having a 90 minute conversation with her…!!

    I asked her about moving back in with her this summer so I could pay her rent instead of my apartment and repay her some money that I owe while I get ready to move to OR and she seemed excited to have me back.

    It felt so easy and soft and I felt so receptive to her…!

    For those of you who have a hard time with your moms – when I first returned from out of state in late 2010, I LOATHED my mother. I wanted her to die. I laid in bed, fists clenched, crying and hating her and wishing she would just die and leave me her money and gtf out of my life.

    I resented the holy living h3ll out of needing her and needing to move back in with her at age 40.

    I’ve practiced forgiveness, self-inquiry, self-love, EFT, Sedona Method, Access Consciousness, Matrix Energetics, prayer, used Rori’s tools, everything that came along that seemed like it might give me some peace of mind, I tried.

    Now, 2 years later, I have a mother who I can actually talk to, feel good about, cherish and feel tender loving feelings for. When she says, “I’ve always been proud of you, honey!” I don’t wince and growl and hurt and recoil and insist she is a liar because of all of those times when…, I just feel love for her and see her as loving me and I am feeling WOWED by the ease of relating to her these days. I am looking forward to living with her and cooking for her and enjoying her company and both our hearts breaking when I move across country once again.

    People can change – I had to change my attitudes, thoughts, question my beliefs and be willing to open my heart so that I could see my parents as they are NOW, through the eyes of an adult, and it feels good.

    This might actually be fun now because now I’m imagining I’ll get to go shooting with my dad, which we don’t do now because we’re both introverted and live in different cities.

    MMmmmmmm!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 5:24pm

  715. 715: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies,
    Thank you for your kind words and opinions reguarding my mom. I will share these with her. I think she is thinking there is still hope and that dad will change his mind, but I strongly believe not. I honestly dont know how she stayed with him so long. She married young and told me there were a billion red flags and even her father told her my dad would hurt her someday… :(
    Dont accept ANY bad behavior from men ladies!! Once you do, it gets much worse and ends in heartbreak.
    I too am learning this, and my dads behavior is stalling my interest in dating currently, but I am trying to hold the belief that not all men are like him. Just know what you are getting into before getting too involved and dont dismiss any red flags!

    Hugs to you all!!!!

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:13pm

  716. 716: SyrenaNo Gravatar says:

    I remember feeling shocked when a male friend told me he did this to his girlfriend, the withdrawing sex. He said she got very little, bragged about it. months without having sex. She wanted to get married have babies, they lived together, he said he was never going to get married, he just could not financially get out of their realtionship. Moaned that he was being dragged around having to do family stuff, how he just wanted. What made me feel upset the most for her was when he said he loved the look of shock and hurt on her face when he met with girls for friendship, What was that all about? Saying he so wanted to tell her he enjoyed their company more. I saw a different side to him.
    He said she was a good woman who treated him well on the whole and loved him.

    So very sad.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:21pm

  717. 717: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    @Beloved
    Glad you are on better terms with your mom.
    I never used to get along with my mom either. We were SO different and I couldnt wait to move out!!!!!
    After I left though, she finally realized I was 30, not 3, lol. Now we get along much better…

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:24pm

  718. 718: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Awww BeLoved I feel like I’m wrapped in a warm fluffy blanket reading your post.. and I am reading you’re moving to OR and thinking that if you move to this area I would love to have a latte with you one day! :-) I would love to bond with your sunny vibe and energy. I feel too scared though :-)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 6:24pm

  719. 719: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “maybe I have single woman syndrome.” Emerson I laughed loudly when I read your comment. Ah bwoy! I said in my mind that I maybe I have that too cause I can’t find any good man. 709-Libe, thanks so much for your suggestions. Really appreciate it. I am going to copy and paste what u said to my inbox. Sometime in the 1980′s, I went to a movie alone. Don’t know if I would go now. Not sure about a restaurant either. I went on a solo vacation one year in 2009 and I would definitely go back. My hairdresser told me that I can go to conferences also and I totally forgot until one of my sisters reminded me a few days ago.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 7:51pm

  720. 720: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Beloved, I am glad to know u are back on good terms with your mom. I have had 2 friends who for sometime could not get along with their mom. I encouraged them both to reconcile. I lost touch with one of them for a long time and was glad when I linked up back and asked about her mom, she told me that she and her mother had reconciled. Sadly, my other friend did not get to reconcile cause my friend died suddenly after removing fibroids and a c section one behind the other. I still haven’t deleted her number from my phone and it has been one year and seven months since she passed. It has been shocking cause I told about a week or two before she died that she should reconcile with her mother cause suppose something happened to the mother. Little did I know it was going to be my friend. It is still a shock.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:11pm

  721. 721: seahorseNo Gravatar says:

    702 Rori

    Thank you very much. I’m feeling proud that I’m finally on here writing. I love reading and cheering us all on. We all are so beautiful. I’m feel pleased.

    I came to be here by googling a question about how to save my marriage or something along those lines. It was a candle lit in the dark and I am, from the bottom of my soul, very very grateful. Thank you to all who are here, to all those before, and all who come after.

    and no, I am not in the marriage anymore. I and my daughter are feeling our wings spread and soaring on the currents.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:31pm

  722. 722: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “Dont accept ANY bad behavior from men ladies!! Once you do, it gets much worse and ends in heartbreak.
    I too am learning this, and my dads behavior is stalling my interest in dating currently, but I am trying to hold the belief that not all men are like him. Just know what you are getting into before getting too involved and dont dismiss any red flags.”

    Renee-715. Wise words there Renee. We all need to be reminded. Every single one of us on this blog. Very, very wise words and so TRUE. Thank u so much for posting this. Not all men are the same. True True. and u know if u are not careful, u use the experiences of a previous partner, whether husband or boyfriend to judge a new man, who u might see similar traits in, before getting to know him, the new man, that is. In my country, they have a saying for this-”using somebody’s else’s fat to fry someone else.” So u were involved or married to a man who was a cheater and who had a particular interest. u got involved with a new man sometime later who has a slight similarity with your ex, lets say the same interest. Instead of dealing with the new man on his own merit and allow him to prove himself, u judge him, finding him guilty just because he had a similarity to your ex. But u know why this happens, its because we dont know who to trust, cause some of these men behave so badly that some of them cant be trusted. so the slightest simolarity between a new man and your ex, BAM, u pronounce a guilty verdict on the new man. But its because of some of their bad behaviour, thats why and as a result good men if we are not careful get pushed away because of that. As soon as they b ehave badly ladies and u have given them a fair chanced 9if you wish depending on what they have done or telling you, like Renee’s father). U give them their walking papers or their marching orders. Dismiss them and kick them out of your life and start looking for a man who will treasure you. God will give us all a good man one day and for all who havee partners already, pray to God that your relationship will continue to be strong.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:41pm

  723. 723: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    ok. STILL no text from him. Its now been over 24 hours since I’ve talked to him.

    And guess what.

    I JUST got a text as I typed that.

    He is SICK.

    Can I repeat that?

    He is S.I.C.K.

    It had *absolutely*nothing to do with me.

    WHEN will I learn?

    *slowly shaking my head*

    When will I learn……its not me. Its NEVER me. I always jump to the fact that I’m being rejected, or something is wrong with me, or I’m not valuable enough….whatever. blah blah.

    When will I learn. :)

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:44pm

  724. 724: k2012No Gravatar says:

    yes sometime we dismiss red flags. True true. amen to that. Trust me, I tell u. However, sometime the red flags are not so obvious, all the same. Sometime they staring u in the face and u ignore them but other times they might be subtle and not so obvious and then is after the breakup now or divorce, u say aloud or silently (most times aloud) -”Oh!!!! ok, so thats why he said that or did that”> Little did u know before that what was said or done was indeed a red flag. I am speaking from experience -with that same man-disappearing ex>

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:50pm

  725. 725: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, don’t beat urself up. Sometimes we women are just insecure. I remember being like that with my first boyfriend and constantly had to be reassured. Everytime I used to think he was losing interest and it honestly wasn’t about me at all. Eventually u will change. What u can do is to focus on yourself and keep yourself busy. And I am sure u understand the rough time he is going through. So u two are exclusive?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 8:58pm

  726. 726: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I just came back from my date and the guy was really sweet and kind. He liked me a lot. Just got a text asking me to let him know if I want to see him again. I didn’t answer yet.

    I have another cd who I had 1 phone call with and then he sent 2 emails and 3 texts that hexthinks he is going to like me A LOT. Then hexcalled to ask where I am going tonight.seriously? I just had this with my cd;)

    There are 2 more guys that are trying to arrange the first date.

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:25pm

  727. 727: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, yay!
    Do you have girlfriends? Can you go out with them on the nights you’re not with him?

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:27pm

  728. 728: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow stuff feels like it sux right now

    Friday, 29 March 2013 @ 9:30pm

  729. 729: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 I’m glad you laughed :-)

    Sirens I feel like I’m back at square one. I feel I keep repeating this attempt to date online, get frustrated, take my profile down, end up not meeting people anyway…
    Sigh…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:39am

  730. 730: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    723 Elsie
    I have a hard time with no communication even if someone is sick it’s nice for them to at least reply hmm maybe I’m asking too much…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:40am

  731. 731: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been having alot of bad thoughts like maybe I don’t deserve a good man and a good relationship because I’ve been a bad person etc all kinds of crazy things…
    I am thinking maybe in just meant to be alone and it’s too late I missed my chance….?!!??

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:42am

  732. 732: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I know those are all just nvs but I still have those thoughts, it all seems so hopeless sometimes…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:44am

  733. 733: TanyNo Gravatar says:

    @Femininewoman yes am trying hard keeping myself busy all the time and he is always with me by my side

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:58am

  734. 734: TanyNo Gravatar says:

    @Rori dont know what to do? :(

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:00am

  735. 735: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Blog – I did the unthinkable Blog today & sent CudG a message…I just couldn’t handle Thinking about it. My mind just kept going back to Why….why not respond and then like my FB photo. I felt tired so I wrote him a very neutral …how have u been message…
    I felt really good at the time…peaceful & impowered..
    but now I just feel really sad…
    I dont know why ….all these different kinds of feelings are showing up…Shame embarassment….failure-feeling…

    Omg somebody hold me …

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:00am

  736. 736: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I fell off my horse :(….Why! I’m beating up myself
    but
    I also feel Relieved
    relieved that the broken record in my head has stopped playing….omg this feels Horrible..but god my mind is calmer.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:04am

  737. 737: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know….somehow by leaning forward …I feel like I’m letting go more than holding on…
    I feel Sad.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:08am

  738. 738: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    somebody talk to me…my compass is broken

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:09am

  739. 739: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Heart!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:21am

  740. 740: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel for you..

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:21am

  741. 741: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Looks like you feel alone..? I feel like hugging your little baby Heart girl. Could you do that for me?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:48am

  742. 742: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Please? :-)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:49am

  743. 743: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Vi …I’ll try to…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 4:06am

  744. 744: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    I just sent my power speech via message after a couple of attempts to tee up a time to talk face to face failed.

    Basically said how i felt, what i wanted in a relationship, that he’s entitled to take as long as he wants to figure his things out but that i’d be putting my online dating profile back up and meeting other people.

    I only did this because when we last met things were open ended and i said i’d take my profile down because i thought we were going to work things out.

    I honestly felt like throwing up after sending it to him though, which really showed me how difficult it still is for me to put me first. But I was very honest with everything, didn’t accuse him of anything, and felt good writing it but just felt so scared of actually DOING it.

    I feel sometimes like I need a little marker or badge like alcoholics annonymous when I do something like this because it is such a huge achievement. Or for each day I go NOT texting/making contact. That’s how difficult I find it (but I’m getting there!!)

    Now I’m slowly starting to feel relieved and free. I LOVE this new way of being in touch with my feelings, it’s such a completely different way to deal with things and it feels so good. I don’t have to be scared of my feelings anymore!!!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 4:52am

  745. 745: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    @Elsie-I understand! Even if I am half dead, I am able to text…..but that’s just me. I don’t understand guys and texting anyway…. :P
    @Emerson and Heart- no bad thoughts! Believe me, I know how hard it is to force yourself to smile and be happy when things go wrong and you’re sad. I’m going through this now with my parents, and a recent heartbreak (again). Sometimes it all feels hopeless and seems pointless get out and try, but please don’t give up!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:07am

  746. 746: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, a simple how are you is nothing;) No reason to get upset over it. What’s the big deal?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:18am

  747. 747: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Heart

    I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I have been there more times than I care to count. And, what I’ve discovered, is that that trembley, sad, vulnerable feeling usually, if not always, precedes a breakthrough. So it is not only good, but necessary, to feel vulnerable.

    This too shall pass. *hugs*

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:21am

  748. 748: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, one email leaning forward is not falling off your horse….deep breath and hugs….

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:19am

  749. 749: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson. what dating site are you using? Are you upset mainly about exoticcd? There is no reason to be. So many more people are available. I actually do meet men that want a serious thing. Not all of them of course, but it’s not an impossible task.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:26am

  750. 750: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – yes, it makes me feel better. I feel understood.

    Renee, Memulo, Emerson…thank you for the healing. XX.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:27am

  751. 751: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    And then you start ‘trying it out’ and figuring if they can make you happy and it’s not always the case. wanting a serious relationship is not enough to have in common;)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:28am

  752. 752: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    @721 seahorse

    Yey!!!!

    I love your name :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:52am

  753. 753: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ((heart))

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:52am

  754. 754: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    k2012: You’re welcome! I’m curious where or how you went on vacation alone? I’d really like to do that, but all I’ve found are singles things for 20 somethings, LGBTQs or seniors. Most of g/fs are either married and don’t want to leave their spouse behind for a few days or have kids and can’t. I’ve travelled by myself before & I can do it, but it’s not nearly as fun. I prefer to either be with a planned group or with a friend.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:24am

  755. 755: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Zia – What a fantastic idea about the BADGE! Can you take yourself out and get something, a necklace, a pin, something that means something to you that you can wear as a badge? I’m going to publish your post as a regular post because it’s SO helpful and inspiring! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:29am

  756. 756: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – 735 – can you see this as just apart of learning about yourself – and what does or doesn’t work for you?
    Rather than something that is right or wrong?

    I know it’s hard – I’ve been in the same situation many a time..

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:48am

  757. 757: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    @Beloved

    Your post about you mom really touched me. Thanks for your honesty and openness. I was feeling a lot of loathing for my mother recently (its abated somewhat) but it was total hatred there for a few weeks. And I was feeling so guilty about it. So I really appreciate your honesty in your post. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Things have gotten better between she and I although we definitely are tip-toeing around each other. But maybe that’s good.

    I’m so glad that things are better with your mother. That is so inspiring!

    @Zia Ditto! Very inspiring story! You go girl!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:41am

  758. 758: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Ughh, I’m so tired and emotional right now. Didn’t sleep well at all. I miss him.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:44am

  759. 759: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    “I honestly felt like throwing up after sending it to him though, which really showed me how difficult it still is for me to put me first. ”

    YESSSSSSS.

    This feeling has dramatically lessened since I started the tools about 3 mo. ago.

    Yay to you, me, everyone.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:37am

  760. 760: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    The guy I had a phone conversation with last night and then emails and texts just called me again. With very personal questions about my family and such. Is he going to bombard me with communication before we even met?? And I told him I was busy and only has a couple of minutes, and he still was trying to prolong the conversation.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:41am

  761. 761: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, remember how intensely you advised me to call dumbcd at some point. Now you understand why I resisted and why it was so hard for me? Well, I can tell you that I don’t care much about my call anymore. Perhaps it’s because I don’t believe he knew it was me, but still compared to everything else it’s such a minor detail. I’m sure soon you’d feel the same about your very innocent communication.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:45am

  762. 762: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I blocked D on FB yesterday. Funny, we, not so funny really. I think he blocked me for a couple days and then unblocked me. When I thought I was blocked I wished that I had thought of that first. Things are crumbling fast w/ newgirl. Yawn. After I blocked him I was reeling with feelings… spite, anger, pinning, lost, and so alone, I miss him, fear that I will never see him again. This is really a pivotal point when I usually go back because I cant stand the pain and loss. Going back just starts the cycle all over again I’m now feeling sorta empowered, like it’s the best thing I could do to move forward.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:52am

  763. 763: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Vi – I’m kind of near your area and BeLoved future area. This feels nice to have more online peeps so close. I thought Glowstix was the only one! :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:04am

  764. 764: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – Glad you had a nice time on your date last night. Your intuition was telling you what’s best for you and you listened. This feels good to me!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:08am

  765. 765: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I had a 2nd date with Columbian Cd last night. He seems to really like me. He said “It was a good day when the gods made you.” Ladies, I thought that was such a great & quirky thing to say to someone. I threw my head back & laughed all over the place. He’s leaving for the military tomorrow (not getting political here…it’s not a choice I would support if he were to ask me though). I had a fun night. I found myself in an interesting place emotionally. Attentive Cd called me earlier in the evening . I feel so much more attracted to him emotionally. He seems in tune & open. I found him coming to mind as Columbian Cd kissed me. I’m staying leaned back & focused on myself, putting my needs first…it felt interesting to notice where my thoughts were going though. Thoughts/comments, ladies?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:01am

  766. 766: LibelulaNo Gravatar says:

    ALA – 762 I’m *familiar* that compulsion feeling to go back. I am also trying not to return. I’m trying not to judge my own reactions to this whole scenario- most recently I feel smug, but if he reached out to me the right way, it would be tempting. I’m trying to focus that this is an opportunity for transformation! (just like a dragonfly transforms from a larvae in a swamp to a beautiful creature that flits about and sees the world!)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:02am

  767. 767: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ALA.

    I feel bad that I don’t like him enough. I am going to tell him that. Maybe we can remain friends.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:27am

  768. 768: ALANo Gravatar says:

    hmmm, dont know why my last post isn’t showing up for me when i refresh the page. did i get moderated? but Libelula commented about it. its a mystery…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:37am

  769. 769: ALANo Gravatar says:

    no, Libelula’s comment wasn’t about my last post. I made two more after 762, only one of them is showing up. something’s wonky.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:43am

  770. 770: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo 760

    Ick. I had that too, where a guy wanted to have long conversations on the phone before we’d even met, and was asking me one question after another about my life. I found it dreadfully overstimulating – not only the feeling of being “interviewed”, but also the fact that he couldn’t pick up that I wasn’t enjoying the conversation at all.

    I must say, the first conversation that it happened I humoured him for a few questions and then my voice trailed off more and more until I said I had run a bath I needed to get into. And next time we spoke he asked me about it, and I was very honest that it felt way too overwhelming to me.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:44am

  771. 771: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tany – 734 – It’s very simple though not necessarily easy. You need to move on. Though sex is not everything, it still is a big and important part of an intimate relationship. It’s not only fun and a wonderful feel good thing to do together, it’s also a connecting on a more profound level. From what you have said, this man is not wanting this with you whether there’s no one else in his life or not. This would not be a full and fulfilling relationship for you.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:47am

  772. 772: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Had date from hell this morning. First time meeting and he kept challenging me and arguing with me. Then he picks his teeth and eats it right in front of me. Gross! What a f’n loser!!! Just makes me feel worse about my ex, he had manners and would never argue with someone and challenge someone like that. ARGHHHH!!! I don’t think I’m ready to date. :( And I’m really missing my ex. He treated me like a queen and gave it all up. How depressing.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:09pm

  773. 773: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    and *I* gave it all up that is…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:10pm

  774. 774: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    All the feelings that I pushed down and repressed after the breakup are surfacing and hitting me really hard now!!! Feels so sucky…Ughh…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:15pm

  775. 775: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Not sure what will happen but realizing that this had to happen for me to see it more clearly and *appreciate* it. I was taking him for granted. :( That is such a sad thought but its true.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 12:32pm

  776. 776: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Oh, btw… THANKS! ((( Libelula ))) I’m choosing smug too! :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:11pm

  777. 777: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    The ‘friends’ conversation didn’t go too well. He told me he is very attracted to me and wanted to kiss me the whole night. So he won’t be open to being friends;) At the end he started flirting with me and continued over text. Well.. I like him as a person and I expressed what my intentions are. Now we can flirt if he wants to;)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:37pm

  778. 778: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting: a guy asked me on a date during the week, but I have plans. I suggested next weekend – he says he has his daughter on the weekends. Asked for any day during the week. I suggested Friday. Have not heard back yet. I wonder if he is married;) or seriously attached.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:39pm

  779. 779: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – lucky you. This guy won’t understand. Unless I say a firm no, with no explanation, which I did. Now he texts me only once in 2 hours. I won lol,

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:40pm

  780. 780: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I should not have leaned back with dumbcd when he just met that girl. I should have done exactly the opposite. Leaning back is deceiving sometimes.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:42pm

  781. 781: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Things are developing nicely with captainCD; another cd I’ll name him “kCD”, came out of nowhere after not contact for over a month and after he started sharing other sexual encounters where I expressed my uncomfortable feelings and told him It didn’t feel good to hear that. I was straight up with him and told him that I have the intentions for something serious with a man… All he said was that taking a woman serious was also taking her problems and that he did not want that.

    so I accepted he wasn’t what I wanted and he stopped contact until last week where he started to throw some sexual innuendo. I said I am seeing some body else and he got all weird… I did not care if he disappeared, I knew after a few conversations that he wasn’t what I wanted… Men tend to come back to test the waters… My waters has gotten too stable to let a man like “k” ruin them…

    Captain CD is just amazing so far, he calls he treats me nice, take me places… I am just letting him be him and I am me.

    Other CD contacted me, I forgot who he was, then I remembered him. Again out of nowhere wanting to meet right away after he stood me up. No way!

    Can’t believe how much progress I have made. I would have run after these two “bad” Cd’s before and reject someone like captainCD… Now I want someone who loves me and respects me as much as I do, but I hade to learn to love and respect myself first; Took me a couple of years but I am almost there! :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 1:57pm

  782. 782: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    @memulo 780 yeah, agreed…sometimes it is not a good idea. they have to know you are interested and if you are always leaning back, they may wonder. that’s what happened with my ex…he was always leaning forward and I was backing off so much (it was overwhelming). then he dumped me …its taken me a few months to make sense of it all but now that I don’t have the constant pressure on me, I can sort out my feelings and get in touch with what I really feel. Truth is, I really miss him. He needs to know this and then who knows what…but at least he needs to know it….so some leaning forward is coming up ;)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:01pm

  783. 783: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    wow, luzydel, awesome post! way to go! so happy for you!!! [insert little jumping up and down man]

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:03pm

  784. 784: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies help it feels like I’m falling in love Evetyday now n gettin my heart broken w Everyman I meet . love all of them on sight now cryin cryin :(

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:25pm

  785. 785: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry at Rori n the world for telling me to keep my heart open… How can I live like this ????

    Cryin cryin

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:26pm

  786. 786: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ouuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwww. :( :( :(

    Owwwwwwwuhuh. :( :( :(

    Tears

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:27pm

  787. 787: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LL, so you are planning to contact your ex?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:39pm

  788. 788: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo yes, I am. I’ve been avoiding him like the plague (its a small town so not easy to avoid someone) but so far I have. All because of my fear. Anyway, I plan to start hanging out at his favorite coffee shop and I’m sure I will run into him sooner or later. Besides that, its also my favorite coffee shop so would like to hang out there more anyhow. (I work from home and have been feeling really isolated. Working from a coffee shop will help me deal with that. So its a win-win ;)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 2:47pm

  789. 789: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I wonder if like me you’re a moon in pisces woman…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:22pm

  790. 790: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    it also feels like a win-win to me because if he’s open and receptive and warm to me (like we was when we were dating) and we start to date again, its of course a win…

    but if he’s mean or cold or antagonistic, then its still a win because I’m not interested in being involved with someone like that…

    so either way its a win-win ;)

    Of course that all sounds great now but in 5 min, who knows how I’ll feel??? hahahahahaha

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 3:41pm

  791. 791: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LL, best of luck! Of course go to the coffee shop. It’s a no-brainer:)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:04pm

  792. 792: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    749 memulo
    It’s not just exoticCD…maybe I need to try a different site. One guy I met the other day looked NOTHING like his profile pics … They must have been ten years old. He was divorced for four years but he seemed so sad… It was emotionally draining just to have coffee with him.
    Other guys have cancelled/flaked…and think they are still going to meet me at a later date… No thanks.
    I feel drained talking to them.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:10pm

  793. 793: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok – so after one awesome week FULL of intensity and emotion and intimacy – then from Monday to now, its been very very not intimate and non-emotional.

    He did text me last night that he was sick but that was IT. I texted back that one of my children is sick, and then I heard nothing from him. So, basically he just texted me one sentence that he is sick. That is ALL I have heard from him since Friday afternoon….

    uhh….ok, I guess.

    I’m sorry, but you have a cold, you arent on your deathbed. I know I know…..I’m pulling out my sword and I shouldnt but I feel so VULNERABLE in a scary way because we got so close, – closer than I’ve been to ANYONE in a decade and a half, and I FINALLY let him into my heart after dating him for a year and a half, and gave my all to him last week, and now…..

    …….I feel like……did I make a mistake? I know he said to trust him. He said he wanted to do this forever. He said that he didnt want me ot kiss boys in bars (our slang for exclusive) He said he loved me and that I didnt need to be scared…..He promised.

    So…..even though we have talked almost every day, its not been intimate – I dont know how to explain it?

    Ugh. I dont like the ….

    REMOVAL OF AFFECTION. thats what it feels like.

    It feels exactly like that when he doesnt talk to me or come over or act in an emotionally or physically intimate way with me.

    Its like when I’m not right in front of him, he forgets about me…..or at least that is how it feels.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:13pm

  794. 794: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I actually feel relieved to be off the dating site. I may try some meet up groups..

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:14pm

  795. 795: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    @Elsie- guys are weenies when they get sick, Lol. However, I agree. It wouldn’t drain energy out his hand to text a “Hi”. I had a guy claim to be into me, didn’t want other guys near me, ect., and YET no contact…. >:(

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:41pm

  796. 796: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I feel so happy that I am able to inspire!

    I heard back this morning. He said he wasn’t happy with my message, and would never consider seeing other people. He says loves me but can’t be with someone he doesn’t trust.

    I stood my ground, and said that if he was going to continue to “have space” with no contact (which he’s entitled to!), I will go out to meet people. I reiterated what I want in a relationship. I said if he wants to work through things together, then I need regular contact. And left the choice up to him.

    The trust issues are all his, I’ve done nothing in our relationship even remotely close to what he was accusing me of doing. The things being said make me feel so hurt and sad, even though my head knows they’re not true. It feels a little bit like emotional abuse, to be honest. Baby steps, it’s a long process breaking free of old patterns but I feel like I’m moving forward on the journey.

    I feel so grateful and happy to have found Rori and this community, and am so thankful for all my past broken relationships because I learned from each one and they brought me here :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:50pm

  797. 797: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “We did have some e-mail banter going on some days which helped of course, but I feel better hearing a man’s voice.” This was from one of Dominique’s newsletter on “Why doesn’t a man call” or something like that. PretTy interesting Dominique. Enjoyed reading this and I oh so agree with this statement in quotation. Remember Overseas cd? Its the same way I felt. I definitely feel better hearing their voice too my dear. It cannot be about email, text and email only. You must move on to the phone afterwards. Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do. I am sure I glimpsed soneone saying something to me above. Let me catch up.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 5:55pm

  798. 798: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel that is great.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:00pm

  799. 799: ALANo Gravatar says:

    ((( Zia ))) I am happy you’re here. I feel a connection to you.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:02pm

  800. 800: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tired of email and text with men it feels so much better to talk on the phone or face to face.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:11pm

  801. 801: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    turning into emotional wreck again…can’t stop the flood of memories…arghhhhh!!!! :( :( :(

    also doesn’t help that I’m really tired…hardly slept last night

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 6:40pm

  802. 802: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie if they tell you they’re sick they want attention;) I wouldn’t take his spot next time by saying that my child (who’s more important to me) is sick too. Does it make sense;)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:10pm

  803. 803: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, I feel that unfit men, a lot of them, are expected. Unfit personalities, life styles, ways to treat me. I have to do my job of finding someone I want to be with.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:30pm

  804. 804: k2012No Gravatar says:

    True Emerson, I agree with you. And instant messages as well. The good old phone or face to face is much better. Libelua- 754- I didn’t know I could go on a solo vacation. I live in the Caribbean and in 2009 summer, I was planning on going to Canada. I got my visa late as I had applied late because of financial reasons. Plus I had to wait 2 wks to get an appointment. I got it the last week of July (very late) and by that time the fares were sky high. I searched for a flight for 2 wks and when I couldn’t find any, I decided to take a 3 day vacation in a hotel on the north coast of my country. 3 days and 2 nights. I contacted a friend but she didn’t have any money and I decided I was going alone. I didn’t care. I only knew I had to get out of the house. I was tormented and bored. It was fantastic, believe me. I met persons who I just chatted with and got a lot of rest. A friend of mine and her husband who were visiting from England came for me at the end of the trip and I went into a nearby resort town and had a good time with them shopping and chatting, although I went to the doctor afterwards cause I got sick at the end of the trip as my blood pressure was high cause the food was salty. But I enjoyed every minute of it. It was wonderful. I prefer to go with a group or with a friend still but if I had to do it again if I had no one to go with, I would do it. So Libe, you could take a trip to one of the Caribbean islands, it is fantastic. Both Feminine Woman and myself are from the same country in the Caribbean. What are meet up groups? We don’t have them in our country. I believe my sister who lives overseas mentioned them but I don’t remember what she said. Someone on here, I don’t remember if it was Indigo or Emerson who told me they met some nice men on online dating. What site did u go on may I ask?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:33pm

  805. 805: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Memulo – it wasnt like that at all. And he isnt a baby at all when he gets sick. He isnt like most men when it comes to that – he HATES to be babied and is actually very tough when he gets sick – not wanting a pity party at all – so that wasnt it.

    I’m just stunned by the silence after such an intimate connection was forged last week after the culmination of a year and a half of dating……sigh.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:49pm

  806. 806: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I think part of what’s been going on is that he was punishing me. But now I’m not sure if he’s just moved on and is over me, fed up, done :(

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 7:59pm

  807. 807: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, the fact that you have been talking everyday sounds like a really good sign!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:02pm

  808. 808: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    when he did reach out to me (after the breakup), I shut him down and blew him off because I was angry. So I don’t think he will do it again…I’m going to have to reach out to him…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:05pm

  809. 809: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – maybe he’s just rubber-banding, after such intense emotional intimacy it could be a lot for a man to process and just needs space for a little while.

    Breathe! Meditate, do something FUN!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:12pm

  810. 810: ALANo Gravatar says:

    ” I shut him down and blew him off because I was angry”

    LL – I do that too! Like w/ the FB thing today, I’m feeling guilty, but I need space from all the drama. I cant talk to him because everything gets taken out of context. Simple solution… Block!

    I’m liking this feeling smug… I did the right thing for ME!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:17pm

  811. 811: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    men are simple creatures, right? I mean I think I make things way to complicated, while they are more just in the moment.

    my story (the simple version):

    he treated me well, took me on trips to napa, portland, yellowstone, maui

    but in the last few months of our relationship, he was obsessive and relentless for my time and attention and I was feeling overwhelmed and smothered

    he sensed it, felt that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings and sought out greener pastures, found them (or thought he did) and dumped me

    later he reached out to me, I slapped him down

    he retreated

    and that’s where we are now

    they are simple creatures…when something burns you, you won’t seek it out again

    I wonder if I can gain back his trust though???

    thoughts?

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:23pm

  812. 812: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – Could you explain more about this:

    “I feel that unfit men, a lot of them, are expected. Unfit personalities, life styles, ways to treat me.”

    I appreciate your insights about men. Like the married man comment you made. OMG! I never would’ve thought that! Makes me believe that I’m pretty naive about some things.

    I understand that we have to do our job finding the right person for us. I’m feeling excited. Been chatting w/ a PhD guy. I feel attracted to intelligent men.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:28pm

  813. 813: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yes, ALA, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him towards the end. I could just sense his insecurity around me, and I was being so careful to not offend or hurt him. Little did I know that he was being so defensive because he was considering breaking up with me…

    I don’t know if that makes any sense! hahahahaha

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:31pm

  814. 814: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow, phd man, yeah, I love intelligent men too…except when I am overly intimidated by them! hahahaha! but that sounds great, ALA!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:33pm

  815. 815: ALANo Gravatar says:

    LL – How long has it been since he reached out to you?

    I feel oodles of triggers from memories of how I was with D. Major trust issues!

    Feel reluctant to give advise.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:35pm

  816. 816: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    ALA, almost two months

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:40pm

  817. 817: ALANo Gravatar says:

    When you see him at the coffee shop stay warm and open. Super happy to see him too!

    If YOU reach out to him – is more iffy. There’s the chance he has moved on and how it will make you feel after.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:46pm

  818. 818: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yes, thank you, ALA, I appreciate your advice. I think that’s great! I will be warm and happy when I see him! Thank you for the reminder!!!!! :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:52pm

  819. 819: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Did that “reaching out” tons of times w/ D. Apologize then have it thrown back in my face. Not saying yours is the same as mine. If he will listen to you, do it. For me, words were just just words. It’s how HE FEELS when he’s with you

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:52pm

  820. 820: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    “words were just just words. It’s how HE FEELS when he’s with you”

    yes, makes so much sense ALA! spot on!!!

    Love it!!! Thank you!!!!! :)

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 8:58pm

  821. 821: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been so swamped with memories of all the great times with him and how wonderful he was to me.

    But that was then, its 3 months later now, so I have to realize that its different…

    so what you were saying about words are just words seems based on me grasping on to the past.

    And who knows what’s transpired since then in him and me. I need to start over with him in my mind and realize that its a blank slate…because that’s probably exactly where his mindset is at…that will be hard but I will try…

    the memories from our love affair are relentless and haunting me but…that was then and I need to try to let it go and perhaps create something new with him and perhaps not…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:07pm

  822. 822: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    hahaha just realized how I was doing exactly what you are talking about ALA right after the breakup. I was so shocked and hurt, and I tried to reach out to him and talk my way back into his heart. And it got me exactly nowhere!!! He was completely shut down to ANYTHING I said. I guess I was trying to reach his heart through words and he was an absolute and resolute WALL…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:14pm

  823. 823: ALANo Gravatar says:

    ((( Liquid Light )))

    Wow! We help each other tonight.

    “grasping onto the past”

    I need to not do that so much too. ;)

    G’night!

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:18pm

  824. 824: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    goodnight! And thanks for the hug, I needed it!

    (((((ALA))))))

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 9:23pm

  825. 825: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “You, too, are unique and it will take a special
    man to fit into your
    life’s journey. Don’t
    get trapped into thinking that every man needs to see you as marriage material; all you
    need is the right one. ” Virginia Clark. Still reading her book in between doing work ladies.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:06pm

  826. 826: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel – moon in Capricorn…. Fishtail in deep water and my Pisces betrayed me ah ah : cries water

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:10pm

  827. 827: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Right now enjoying time with Get Right. He treats me better n better haha :) smile I feel GOod w him he has a chance to be my husband

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:12pm

  828. 828: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “He
    told me straight out he was absolutely
    not
    looking for a girlfriend; he was fully committed to
    his music.” Virgina Clark. I will call this red flag number 1. When a man tells you this-RUNNNNNNN!!!!!!

    He
    took my hand, looked into my eyes and said I
    was such a nice girl
    and he didn’t want to hurt me.” Virginia Clark. I will call this red flag number 2. This is even hurt. When a man tells you this, you know he will hurt you. Show him the door ladies. Trust me. I have so many things reading one time- Steve Harvey’s second book, Virginia’s book, Jonathan’s book (which I stiill havent started -the one on long distance relationships (I definitely need guidance on that one) and I plan to buy Rori’s entire package but just want to get off some of these books first. I love these coaches. Imagine my e-mail inbox is filled up with articles from relationship coaches, oh my goodness. I love these guys,. 5 women coaches and 4 men. Ask me how I have time to read do many articles. I read every single one of them. As a matter of fact, they pile up on me right now in my inbox. I had a folder called “relationship articles” but forget how to move them there. I will keep learning and learning cause one day this girl is GOING TO MEET THE RIGHT MAN. and I will have them all to thank. Trust me.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:23pm

  829. 829: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Correction-this is even worse. I am doing some work online now. I am on the desk top and sleep was coming down on me and I had to read a chapter of Virginia”s book to get me back awake> going back to read the book and then continue my work.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:26pm

  830. 830: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “The next time a man tells you he doesn’t want
    to hurt you, listen. It’s a red flag: he may
    not want to hurt you, but most likely he will. ” Virginia. Indeed. Yep.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:32pm

  831. 831: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Syrena 390 – exactly!!

    And I think, as women, sometimes we can even do the same thing, and have it interpreted differently. Having sex with a man may (or may not) mean that we are having sex only with him. It may mean fidelity in that way. But it doesnt have to mean that we have fully committed our lives to him. Yet I know that sometimes men “interpret” this – as if “giving” him our bodies equates to much more. But it really depends on the guy (and the woman).

    (((((Rebecca)))))

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:36pm

  832. 832: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “As time goes by, the men that aren’t right
    for you fall away no matter what you do. ” Virginia. Allelluia!!!!! This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. The sleep is gone. Wonderful.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:38pm

  833. 833: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “a man’s behavior
    always lets you know exactly how he feels.” Virginia. Trust me this is true. Actions dont lie a tell u. As always, Actions speak louder than words. All when they are lying through their teeth, their actions give them away.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:42pm

  834. 834: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I think I just had a date…with a woman? I’m really not sure. Lol. That is, I met her. She’s very cool, actually. We went hiking and it was fun. We are both bisexual – she is more I to dating women than I am, though. And then she contacted me to set up this dinner. We went out – it’s Saturday night. We had great conversation. And when the bill came, she paid – and I let her (though I told her “she didn’t have to” – but she’d knew). And she walked me most of the way home, but when I said I wanted to go on alone, she was fine with that. She’s like a guy, but in a woman’s body. Ha! She didn’t try to kiss me or anything. I didn’t feel any weird physical tension. But she is very cute…I suppose I wouldn’t mind of she did ; )

    Hope no one is weirded out by any of this. As far as I know, it was just a “friend date,” but it was, in many ways, “a date.” So I guess I am going to include it in my CD pile ;)

    Meanwhile, no word from my dancing CD. He always does contact me. I wonder how he’s doing? Hm…

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 10:45pm

  835. 835: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie

    I really admire the strength you must have to always lean back, even after you had such an intimate emotional connection! I don’t think I would be able to do it.

    Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 11:56pm

  836. 836: ViNo Gravatar says:

    763 ALA I feel so glad to know that! :-) It put a big smile on my face.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 1:54am

  837. 837: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Indigo – Thank you for saying that I have strength. I dont feel that at all. Its early in the morning and I woke up and then sat straight up in bed, realizing that I hadnt heard from him ALL DAY.

    So….our intimacy (which was very intense emotionally and otherwise) even for me….started two weeks ago. There were a few days where we had some very good conversations. Then there were a couple of nights where a lot of things were said and done that moved our relationship to an entirely NEW LEVEL.

    Then Mon and Tues we were both exhausted….Wed I had meetings with clients all day, and Thurs….I dont know about Thurs….but Friday my work gave us all off….so I dont know….I only got one singular text on Friday at night that he was sick.

    And nothing on Sat. Nothing all day.

    I seriously feel very abandoned. I feel a withdrawal of affection from him.

    I dont know if its rubber banding. I dont know if its just that he gets in his space at home and then sort of compartmentalizes and doesnt think of me. I dont know if he is sick (but he was online … I can see that, and so how sick can he be?)…..I dont know if ….

    I dont know.

    But I dont like it.

    I feel AWFUL right now. I feel very shaky and abandoned and like I made a HUGE mistake.

    I waited to trust him on this level after dating for a year and a half. I did everything right. I made sure everyone was on the same page….and then waited, and waited.

    I feel like I gave my heart completely to him last week…..and now I dont know where he is.

    The question is – I have no idea if he will contact me today (Sunday) or not….

    I will see him on Monday because he works near where I work.

    Please help me.

    I dont know what to do. Do I pick up my sword here? I feel like I need to punish him for misbehaving but I have been so good at not doing that.

    I want to be in control of my emotions and not be so controlled by them.

    I feel like I need to tell him how I feel, but I have no idea how to go about doing that in a HEALTHY way.

    ***The problem is that I have had such maladaptive responses to problems as a coping mechanism that now I question whether or not my feelings are actually appropriate.***

    I dont know whether to lean back and be warm and open and not “punish” him for not calling and then talk about it when we are together in a more intimate way – and tell him then what I need…..

    Or just be angry about the whole thing and lash out.

    But I will tell you that I *am* mad. He knows me. He knows how hard it was to get to the level I was last week. He knows what that took for me emotionally to give what I did emotionally to him. He knows that I was weeping and totally vulnerable in front of him in a wonderful way. He promised me that he would do everything he could not to hurt me. He promised that I dont need to be scared.

    I’m not making those things up in my head. He actually said them, and this is a man who has never lied to me – and wow, I have known him a LONG time, and we have been dating for a while.

    So…..help. If I dont hear from him today (Sun) as well…..

    What do I say to him if I do see him on Monday? Do I wait until we are away from work to discuss this?

    That is the way that I am leaning. I feel like this is to raw for me to discuss at work.

    But when I do see him, how do I keep my emotions in check and stay calm while I wait to see him outside of work (whenever that will be) ….

    Ugh. I dont know. I hate pretending that I’m not upset when I am. I hate actually being upset. I wish I had a better handle on my emotions.

    Help. Thoughts/ideas/advice on what I should do on Monday?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:18am

  838. 838: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Do you think lashing out will inspire him to give love?

    Dfo you think being angry will you to see and receive love?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:27am

  839. 839: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    From Christian Carter:

    There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off-center when her needs aren’t met.

    Here’s something interesting about how men work that you probably never thought of. A man falls more DEEPLY in love with you because of the way you handle the important moments in your relationship – in ways other women can’t and don’t.

    Because while you can’t generally control why he pulls away, you CAN have full control over how you respond to it.

    Think about that for a minute. You have enormous power in your relationship with a man to steer things in a positive direction… even if he’s not “cooperating” with you in any given moment.

    A large part of handling this situation with a man actually involves not DOING very much at all. If you’ve ever heard of the expression “action in inaction,” you’ll want to keep it in mind here. The concept is that NOT taking action and giving up control of a situation is sometimes the most powerful action you can take.

    Ok. I just re-read my post.

    Seeing things in black and white like that really makes a difference for me. This place is a good place for me. :)

    I made a decision last week to trust him. He made a decision last week to make sure that I knew I could trust him.

    So….I am going to trust him. That is not an emotion. That is a decision. This man has not ever given me a reason to not trust him. So I will trust him.

    That said, I do not like how I feel now, so because my feelings are important, and because I dont think that what I”m asking for is unreasonable…..I need to tell him these things.

    He has said, he needs to know when I’m upset about things because he isnt great at figuring that out on his own. He is very ISTP. So….I will give him what he is asking for.

    I love him, but am feeling very vulnerable and afraid. But those are my emotions that are frankly, not very healthy.

    The reason Rori Raye says be warm and open, isnt because you are FAKING it -its because you actually ARE warm and open.

    I will be warm and open when I see him. And then at some point, when we are together again, and alone…..

    I will let him know how all of this felt and feels. And then I will let him know what it is that I need, and then I will ask him to help find an answer, just like I did before. I will ask HIM to find an answer, and I hope that he does, just like he did for us before.

    Oh….and one more thing…

    @Indigo – the reason that I can lean back is because I have always felt GREAT POWER in maintaining the fact that I have set a boundary that I will NOT chase. I will NOT. No matter WHAT. So, every moment that I am not calling, and not chasing…..it feels like a victory for me. Especially after a very long marriage where all I did was chase.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:46am

  840. 840: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Feminine Woman – hi :) I’m glad someone is up and thank you for responding to my post.

    You are absolutely right. I will in no way INSPIRE this man to be the man he can be for me by being upset and angry with him. Queens Code is totaly right, and so are you.

    Now, if after I explain all of this at some point to him and he still cant show up for me….then I may have to rethink things.

    But I will be handling and controling my emotions. Something I have never been taught to do – and something I’ve been horrible at my whole life.

    But it really is true that you cant choose how someone acts, but you can TOTALLY choose how you respond to it. I am CHOOSING to repsond in a healthy emotional way not a freak out way. :)

    This feels better. I’m still not happy at all that he hasnt been more in contact in the last week, but I will tell him that in a non-freak out way. And at an appropriate time. I think thats huge too – I dont think it should be at 7am on Monday morning if he does decide to come over to where I work …

    OK – although I’m still really hurt and angry, I feel like my response to those feelings is much healthier now.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:50am

  841. 841: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie I am curious to know if you are preparing a script to tell him what you notice about yourself. I feel curious to know what the script would say.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:53am

  842. 842: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Did you negotiate terms of exclusivity? Did you tell him how much contact you need to be able to stay sane while exclusive? After you have cut off your other options.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 2:55am

  843. 843: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie,

    My take, and I’m sorry I hope this doesn’t come across as overly direct, but you did ask for feedback, and I mean this in the gentlest possible way, is that he loves you a great deal but he may not be ready for what you are ready for.

    Or at the very least, this is a very introverted man. He must know that you are needing that connection.

    I wouldn’t get angry, if it were me, but I would tell the truth, gently, but straight out as I see it.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 3:04am

  844. 844: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @FW – Yes, we are exclusive. No, I never told him exactly how much contact I need.

    I am working on a script – its in my head now, I”m thinking about it – I have decided I wont say it at work. I need to say it when we are alone. That feels much more like “us” and more “close” and good to me.

    @Indigo – Thank you for your words. I think you are right in a way. He and I are exact opposites in terms of personality, etc. In fact, its a complete yin yang thing and that works wonderfully sometimes, and sometimes it can cause challenges. Like now. I do believe he wants what I want because I made SURE of that before I became as vulnerable and open to him as I was last week. But you are reading this 100% right. He is an extremely introverted man who needs a lot of time alone. He is ISTP if you know anything about that. And I am Extroverted and feeling etc. I’m the opposite of him on the Meyers Briggs scale….haha.

    I think he knows I need that connection, but I think honestly he forgets. He gets lost in his own time, and most importantly, he is VERY into what he is doing at the time. (Which is great, when he is with me, because he is 100% with me.)

    He has told me that I NEED to tell him what I need because he doesnt really know, and that goes against what I feel strongly which is me chasing….so I have to juxtapose those two….and figure out what feels comfortable to me.

    @Feminine Woman – I’m working on my script, but any ideas…..I’ll take them!!!

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 3:13am

  845. 845: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie do you realize that this could be just him and might never change? Have you asked yourself if you could be comfortable with this if nothing ever changes? I ask because you keep repeating what his personality type is, yet I keep getting a sense that you keep trying to fix him up to be the ideal man that you need to fill you up.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 3:22am

  846. 846: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    So an update. After a little more back and forth where I kept expressing my feelings but stood my ground, he wanted to talk face to face and we were going to catch up this evening.

    However he said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to reschedule. I said ok and that I’ll wait to hear from him when he is ready. He then said he really wants to be open with me and tell me everything.

    I’m going to lean back, stay with my plan to go out and meet people, and see what happens. Baby steps….. And if we do speak face to face I’ll be ready with my heart open.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 4:05am

  847. 847: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Elsie

    Yeah, those Meyers-Briggs personality types do mean something to me – I was amazed at how accurate mine was.

    I’m glad you agree and that you are sure you are on the same page. I was picking up a *very* introverted vibe from the way you were describing him.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 5:44am

  848. 848: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @FW – Your post really struck me. My honest answer is I dont know if I”m doing that. I dont think I’m doing that. I think when he tells me what he needs I try to do it. And he has said he wants to do what I need….and I just need to tell him. Sometimes I dont know what I need so I’m not great at letting him know.

    But I”m thinking about what you are saying. Maybe this is the way he is. If that is the case, then no, I dont want to “fix” him. He isnt broken, he is just the way he is….and that might not be compatable with me – even though that would break my heart.

    I dont know the answer, but I’m truly taking your post to heart.

    @Indigo – yes, he is ISTP and I am ENFJ. Literally opposites. haha. But everything I’ve read has said those people are totally yin/yang and either work really great, or really horrible together LOL.

    What are you Indigo?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 6:42am

  849. 849: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo I deeply believe that leaning back is highly overrated;)

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 6:43am

  850. 850: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    There are days that I feel obsessed with the fact that I don’t have a relationship and I feel sad.

    I feel lost like how will I ever meet someone?

    I want to flip my negative thoughts because sometimes I feel that I’m just meant to be alone and I feel scared.

    How do I go from feeling so positive to feeling so sad!?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 6:57am

  851. 851: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo,

    There’s a part of me that agrees with you. I believe more in being authentic than leaning back no matter what.

    Leaning back feels amazing when the man’s energy is coming towards you, however I personally don’t see any problem with what would be called “leaning forward” where it is someone you know well and are close to, if it is not aggressive, and is more true to who you are.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 6:59am

  852. 852: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie

    I am INFP :)

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:07am

  853. 853: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    The leaning back part confuses me. Every time I lean back, the guys don’t step forward. They just think Im uninterested.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:41am

  854. 854: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like leaning forward is fine from time to time, as long as it doesn’t come from a needy place.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:51am

  855. 855: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    We can communicate as much or as little as we want about how much contact we need, but the bottom line is that if they don’t want to see us, we have a problem;)

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:54am

  856. 856: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rene.

    To me leaning back should be a genuine part of how you feel – it is focusing on yourself and not the guy in that moment or situation, that is why leaning back is not so easy to do . . . you want to DO something with or about the guy, and so you have to process and feel what you feel and set a boundary that you are not going to be in feminine energy instead and FEEL instead of DO (masculine energy). So then that may actually lead to not being interested in the guy!!! You may not be interested in guys who don’t approach you or make the first move.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:56am

  857. 857: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am sure by experience it is okay to lean forward at times with a commiited man as sometimes this is welcome.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:59am

  858. 858: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 793 – Or maybe you’re forgetting about yourself here. Your focus is still firmly on him.

    I think it’s wonderful he let you know he’s not well. This is more than many men would be able to give when sick.

    So can you get your focus back on you, loving on you, taking good care of you, being patient and gentle with you?

    I totally understand what you’re feeling. I have been there. This may always come up for you now and then, yet the difference will be that it gets easier to release, it gets easier to recognize the feeling for what it is, unfounded fears.

    Even if a man turns out not to be the man for you, you still have YOU, and YOU is awesome.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 7:59am

  859. 859: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine energy men will also want you to lean forward

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:04am

  860. 860: LizNo Gravatar says:

    This sometimes feels like magic. Although its not easy by any means. I find the more I focus on myself, moment to moment, the more he comes forward. And I am open, but I put myself and my needs first, for me. We saw each other Friday night and we were supposed to get together Saturday after he finished working. But there was an issue, and he texted and told me.. I just said, no worries. I did my stuff. This morning at 6 am he called to apologize. I didn’t freak, but I didn’t jump to answer right away either. I just have to remember that I am the queen ; )). Its hard to lean back and stay open, but it does work.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:05am

  861. 861: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Hey LoveAlways! I remember your words to me that the key is ‘to receive’.

    I feel amused – when will I stop feeling like a loser for not being challenging enough f0or dumbcd.

    I know, I know and I meet men that give me things that he never did – warmth, consistent affection, concern about my well- being. My problem is that I think he would have given it all to me had I been less agreeing.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:07am

  862. 862: LizNo Gravatar says:

    I have to say its hard for me to give up control in a relationship. In my professional life, I am take charge, extremely masculine and I have been very successful because of it. He is an alpha male. So I realize a lot of our issues this past year stemmed from me acting in a masculine way sometimes. He even said, you have been very aggressive with me at times. Meaning, fighting tooth and nail, challenging everything…even when it wasn’t necessary.. ; (( This past week ive been open and vulnerable, but also I don’t challenge him. If he says no. I accept it. And I let him lead… he has been very very focused on my feelings these last few days, making sure I am ok.. and I have to admit, it feels freeing. He is also in a business where there are a lot of “groupie girls” and I can see when they are “leaning forward”, being aggressive towards him in terms of wanting to connect, and I can see him shut down against it. Its very interesting…

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:11am

  863. 863: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I need to do some riffing.

    Feeling messages are not working with HScd when it comes to my s3xual needs right now. I don’t know what else to do but to lean back and process this for myself. I feel like my s3xual needs are important, and getting them met may mean the end of my relationship with HScd. I feel bad being so drastic but this issue but I must keep my boundaries – I’m not the type of woman to beg for s3x. I don’t see what compromise there is that I must make in this regard. I am woman, hear me roar. I WANT S3X. The flames of my passion are not being tended to properly. He is ignoring my flames. I feel horribly making him wrong, making it his problem. It feels awful to say You are ignoring me. I don’t want to come right out and say this. I don’t want to sit down, make an appointment and have a conversation about our s3x life. It doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. I’ve tried the feeling messages and this guy is so wrapped up into his own stuff that he is clueless. More importantly, I don’t want to attack him. I don’t want to make him wrong. Each time I put together feeling messages I find myself wanting to attack him IT’S YOUR FAULT. So to avoid doing this I feel it’s time to lean back s3xually. And that is what I have been doing. It feels bad to beg and make the first move when you don’t feel desired. It feels sad to feel undesired and ignored.

    Don’t mind me sirens, I’m having a moment in the pits and I’m processing and trying to riff but I keep getting stuck :)

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:13am

  864. 864: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman 857

    I have very much found this. That is why I mention that “if you know each other well and are close”, because I have found that depending on the relationship, sometimes leaning forward, with contact for example, can deepen the bond.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:14am

  865. 865: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Indigo – that is awesome that you know your Myers Briggs – I think everyone in the world should be required to take it and wear it as a sign on their person LOL – then you would know what you are dealing with haha…

    @Dominique – OF COURSE, you are right. You are always right. :)

    He texted me this morning with a huge HAPPY EASTER! and asked about eggs, and my kiddos. :) Yay.

    I havent texted back because I’m seriously making sure I”m ok and I’m dealing with me now. Plus making Easter dinner LOL.

    ….and typing on here….LOL. Priorities right? :)

    Anyway – as far as the conversation goes with all you girls talking about leaning forward, I think that there is a huge difference between saying what you feel in a non-crazy emotionally wacko way, and rushing to chase him. I think Rori means that leaning forward is DOING, CHASING etc. Its not allowing him to fill that space. I think she would say its perfectly FINE to say your feelings and she even encourages that…..what is NOT fine is rushing running chasing doing, jumping, running after, etc.

    I will tell you this…

    @Indigo – you said that you were amazed that I could lean back. Its because of times like this morning. I KNOW he wants to text me, because he did it. He didnt feel obligated. He did it because HE wanted to. And that feels soooooooo good.

    I will still need ot have the talk with him at some point about how much communication I need. And then see if he can or is willing to step up.

    And that will determine if I stay with him or not……we’ll have to find some common ground to meet each others needs if we are going to stay together.

    I”m so glad that I decided to feel my feelings and then act on them in a HEALTHY way, and I do love Christian Carters stuff – so if you have a chance to read his stuff – he is great.

    OK – back to Easter Dinner….

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:14am

  866. 866: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I need to process my feelings thoroughly on this and just come up with what I feel, even if I don’t speak on it and just lean back.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:15am

  867. 867: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    OMG, what do s3xually leaning back even friggin look like??!!!

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:16am

  868. 868: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Well this type of leaning back should first and foremost make me feel better. It should not be rejection of him or telling him what to do or not do or make suggestions or any type of ploy. It has to be real and about me

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:18am

  869. 869: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Memulo

    You may be right about his giving more to you – but honey that is getting into his head. Don’t try to get into his head. You honestly can’t get in his head to say what he would have done if you had done something, you know. The fact is we don’t need to get into guys heads!! They have to give to us as we keep it real and siren like. So while you are considering what you did not like about interacting with the cd, maybe think about what you did that you would do differently. Should you be less agreeing – is this one of your boundaries, is it a new boundary? If so, let it be about YOU, not about what he might have done if you did things differently – that is just trying to get in his head when it’s supposed to be all about you!

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:22am

  870. 870: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Love Always- You’re right! I didnt even realize I was doing this… :(

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:23am

  871. 871: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Rene – it’s not a bad thing :)

    It’s okay if you are not interested in guys who don’t make the first move!! That is keeping your boundary and honoring your feminine power. Now you know and can really lean back with that

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:32am

  872. 872: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I have had such a funny morning…
    Well, I realise it’s so much easier to give advice than to take it..

    756: Rebecca says:

    Heart – 735 – can you see this as just apart of learning about yourself – and what does or doesn’t work for you?
    Rather than something that is right or wrong?

    Anyway, today I decided to do a little baking. It all went spectacularly wrong – and I got / felt really angry and frustrated with myself…

    Hmm. Advice is so much easier to give than take…

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:38am

  873. 873: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Love Always- So Im not a snob? Lol. Yeah I have a tendency to avoid men who don’t make a first move, but then the ones who did make a first move turned out to be not so nice. Two of my friends like me currently. One chased me for awhile, but I turned him down because I was pining away for someone that wasn’t interested in me (Grrrrr). Now he is dating someone else. The other guy friend drops hints that he likes me, but hasn’t made any moves…

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 8:56am

  874. 874: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Okay. I sent him a poem. My own form of new feeling message, now I will lean back

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 9:01am

  875. 875: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Renee

    LOL, you are not a snob, just a siren :)

    Keep it all about you and what you feel in the moment.

    Do you have Rori’s Modern Siren? If not, it is worth the investment. She goes into how to slow everything down so you stay in the moment and can focus on yourself, understand your feelings, stay with your feelings, speaking from your feelings (or not) rather than acting merely from your thoughts.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 9:10am

  876. 876: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways, I wonder sometimes if after a while some of them get less interested in intimacy. I think the toxic ones might.

    On a side note, dumbcd told me that his ex ‘insisted’ and talked him into getting married (after living together for 5-6 years), but then he didn’t like the way she behaved so he didn’t sleep with her for 1.5 years once they got married! They went to shrinks and she tried to figure out why he didn’t want her. But he still wouldn’t do it.

    Anyway, did you consider looking around? Going on a random date? It might help putting things in perspective.

    Also, with my cd I was the one that tried to avoid intimacy. I could see right thru when he tried to make attempts to do something to get me interested and I knew it wouldn’t work enough to really draw me in.

    I don’t want to upset you, but I do think that healthy emotionally and physically men would just want their woman. I would start protecting myself as much as I can.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 9:42am

  877. 877: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for your post to me LoveAlways, very helpful. Again, I don’t want to upset you, but I do want to protect.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 9:44am

  878. 878: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Love Always

    No I don’t have Modern Siren, but I would love to get it at some point. I just downloaded the eBook, which is very good.
    Confidence has always been on the low side for me and I am awkward and unsure of myself around men. Sometimes I don’t know when to lean back.. or not.

    Focusing on myself has always been hard too. I get so sad, lonely, and bored that I probably scare guys off once they do get involved…yikes.

    Well, until I can get modern siren, I will continue sharing and reading comments with all the sirens here.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 9:44am

  879. 879: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Renee

    Rori has a lot of that same material in the ebook!!

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 10:11am

  880. 880: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    Thank you (((HUGS))) – I know you are right and I’m not upset by the possibility. I feel there is something wrong. HScd is a clueless guy. This is one of the patterns he has in his relationships from what I can see. I sent the poem since the feeling messages do not seem to be getting through that there is a problem here. I know he will see the pattern eventually. Men are so sensitive to talk to about sex sometimes. They get triggered more than we do. If/when I look around for someone else to do that with, he and I will be finished. I know this, and he does too. And it is that serious. The poem was a way of giving him the message directly without confronting him and making him wrong. This is what I sent. Firekeeper. you started a fire. raging heat. uncontrolled flames. keep the flame. walk away. and the flame may spread. ignore it. and it will die down to embers. Firekeeper. fan the flames. add more wood. keep the fire. enjoy the warmth.

    I will not say another word unless he brings it up and I’m not officially leaning back s3xually. I’m going to just slow it all down and not start looking for someone else just yet and give this clueless man a chance for now. It’s all about me now.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 10:17am

  881. 881: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    * I am officially leaning back

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 10:19am

  882. 882: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright – 213 – thanks Starbright for your tip.

    I’ve just looked her up and will go into it in a bit more detail when I get the chance..

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 10:33am

  883. 883: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Sounds good LoveAlways.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 10:38am

  884. 884: TanyNo Gravatar says:

    @dominique: i love him a lot can’t think of moving on :(

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:08am

  885. 885: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know that we have to be “in control” of our emotions and never freak out. A big part of RR’s work is about expressing emotions, and yes, even freaking out sometimes maybe is okay.

    I’m a little confused since it can seem like a contradiction…be happy and in control but be vulnerable and emotional and expressive. The difference is pretty hard to distinguish sometimes…???

    Thoughts?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:31am

  886. 886: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies I’ve had my kundalini awaken (whoa yes it really was all that is wrote bout it) and now I’m so psychic n sensitive.

    Wifi radiation and the 3G 4g phones feels so Strong!

    I’ve had to avoid it as even right now I feel I’m being electrocuted and constricted and my teeth are vibrating.

    Anyone interesedred in doing what I did to kundalini awaken ( supported w Roris teachings) hit me

    This Ish is fun!

    I’m gona build/obtain some electromagnetic-field transformers do the phones and wifi will no longer be trippin me .

    Did u know unlike the previous phones, 3G and 4G resonate w each other even when off, creating a grid…

    For those ElectroMagnetic Frequency EMF sensitive ppl like me now, it SO HAS HELPED me to PUT IT ON AIRPLANE MODE!

    That stops it from acting like a tower transmitter.

    I’m ‘downgrading’ to an old school Metro phone soon.

    And I’m getting a wifi (it’s microwave radiation) EMF transformer for my house.

    I’m glad I didn’t die. Thank you Daria for taking care of me. I was getting BROWN CALLuses along the tendons of my hand… From constant exposure to the radiation.

    N no break. Of would just remain hot.

    Now w airplane mode, I cooled my hands down.

    (don’t know when anyone calls tho)

    Down grading to non 3G phone, I’m gona still want a transformer as those also radiate, sometimes strong (1000 times more than regular use, I read) when they are searching for signal. Which is often since they’re not on a grid like 3G.

    Bit 3G feels strong to me, that’s what’s pulling at my head like I’m skull made of metal now. :/

    Now now.

    While I type.

    On 3G

    Puffffff.

    Rolls eyes.

    Baby steps.

    I will not abandon myself in this war in this minefield .

    It also affects my thinking.

    And jeeps me ‘running’ in masculine.

    Sympathetic system rever upper.

    Smh.

    Gona break now.

    Soon I’ll have transformers and type happy.

    I dono why I didn’t just type this in notes w phone on airplane… And then transfer… It’s easy !

    Now my skull is constricted.

    Yay I know new ways.

    I can stop now.

    I can.

    Pffff.

    Grrrgggh.

    Smh.

    I feel hijacked !

    I love myself n my feelings.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:32am

  887. 887: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I know that with my ex when I did let my guard down and expose my feelings, in a totally messy uncontrolled way, tears flowing, sobs, looking horrible, you name it, it brought us a lot closer.

    And when I was guarded and “in control”, he ended up breaking up with him.

    So, I’m not sure about all the talk here about being in control and such… Why are we pushing for this here?

    I think I’m missing something….[insert scratching head symbol]

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:42am

  888. 888: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tany – I feel very sad about your situation, yet until you can find it within yourself to move on, you will continue to suffer. I don’t want you to suffer. Do you want to feel this way?

    It’s a bit by bit process. I wouldn’t want you to just shut off your feelings and carry on. I would want you to feel whatever you feel, and still work on breaking away from this pain.

    And you begin this process by shifting your focus away from him and putting it back on you, filling your life up with people and activities which fulfill you, whatever it is that can feel good, even if only a little bit. And I also want you to be patient and gentle with yourself through this time, and always really.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:43am

  889. 889: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    err maybe i’m confusing leaning back with being “in control” of ones emotions?

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:58am

  890. 890: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light

    I don’t think Rori really means controlling your feelings. I think it’s more about feeling them and being able to handle them and knowing you will be ok.

    And there’s something really beautiful in that.

    Sunday, 31 March 2013 @ 11:59am

  891. 891: <