A recent client I’ll call Annie sent me this letter after our session, and it started a great conversation about getting over a man and “moving on” that will be helpful to you…no matter WHAT your situation:
I was going through my notes from last night and some of them are not clear to me this morning. I was hoping to clear them up and at the same time I have a request. Our conversation last night gave me a clearer way of looking at Bob and I would like to keep that clear picture so that my bad feelings won’t get me down.
In fact I thinking making a list(s) of reasons why I’m not at fault, why I’m more deserving of something better would be very helpful to me. Many times I need an outside perspective to help me and I really appreciate and respect your prospective. Would you help me make these lists so that I can review them anytime I want?
First reasons why I’m not at fault and it’s Bob not me… (note: I keep saying fault because the way he was treating me – sarcastically, mean, neglecting me and blaming me was like he was trying to find fault with me, he wanted to run away from me, but there was no reason for it.)
You and I talked about:
Him being a sociopath. That is when someone can only think of themselves and puts themselves first. What reasons do you have for believing this? I think knowing these reasons will help me understand better. What do you think applies to Bob? You had asked me if I had a history of knowing people like that and yes I can think of a few, is there a reason for this?
You had mentioned that perhaps he was incapable of having a relationship. Again, I’d like to formalize some reasons.
You had at one point stated that “if he’s willing to give you up over this…” I think I lost track of what I was writing. Would it be safe to says you were trying to say that if he’s willing to give me up something as simple as arguing that he is not a strong enough man for me? that something is wrong with him?
You had also mentioned that I’m doing the choosing – not him. At the time I remember I liked the way it felt to think that. I remember feeling that if I thought that way I would feel powerful, but now I have forgotten why this statement is true. Today I don’t feel that way. Can you remind me again?
You had also mentioned that he can’t “catch.” What makes Bob incapable of not catching?
Why do you feel that he is not stable, dramatic and not dependable? I have an idea but it really helps to have an outside perspective.
I will let him do what he does, however I just need this understanding. I need to understand to let go.
Next, why I’m deserving?
You had so many wonderful things to say about me last night, things that I had not heard before and I know you believe them to be true and I believed them to be true. So many that I wanted to hear them and not miss them. I couldn’t write them down. Would you provide me with a list so that I can review it everyday.
I’m happy to have this posted to the blog, I just don’t know where would be an appropriate place for it. Thanks! Annie
Annie – this is a brilliant letter, and I’m going to write a long reply to it and post them both on the blog – for now, though, I wanted to give you something.. Let’s divide it into 2 sections:
1. About Bob
2. About you
About Bob – you can get the best picture of him from the quiz in Toxic Men if you have it – if you don’t, get it and then you can return it in 30 days if you like.
However – I don’t want you focusing on him. Because his reasons for not holding up his side of the relationship aren’t important, except how they relate to you – in other words –if you were continually being involved with a man like this and ending up in the same situation over and over again – that would be important to know. But because you’re so young and this has been such an important relationship for you – it’s hard to find that pattern right now.
It also might be helpful to simply sort out what stuff belongs to “him” and what belongs to you. for instance – If you’re feeling the need to control, and speaking and acting from there – (look at the “4 Rules” in the ebook) that’s your stuff. If he has no real sensitivity to you as a person – that’s HIS stuff.
Now – About you. These lists you ask me to help you with are great – and will you start building them first?
When you get to the “deserving’ list – the first reason is simply because you’re a woman. Period. Doesn’t that feel good? You don’t have to do anything – you’re just a woman. Just a girl. Girls deserve love.
More later. Love, Rori
I have the Toxic Men program and at the time I took the test he was mainly Narcissistic – see the listing below as to whether or not that is true. He also scored high on B but I can’t remember what B was.
Rori, my mind drew a blank I why I deserve better? I agree, just because I’m a woman is a wonderful reason but I don’t know anything else. Maybe you can guide me.
1. He didn’t take care of me.
2. He took me for granted
3. He didn’t know and refused to understand me
4. He refused to be a better man
5. He held a carrot in front of me.
6. He put himself first
7. He lied
8. He blamed
9. He neglected me
10. He was indifferent to me
11. He didn’t listen to me
12. He treated me like a yo-yo
13. Football was more important than me.
14. He didn’t look at me with admiration
15. He wasn’t proud of me
16. He would turn his back on me.
17. The honey moon period was 1-2 months, he loved me then but would soon back pedal
18. He didn’t cherish me.
19. He was sarcastic
20. He was mean
21. He was unsympathetic
22. He wasn’t free with his time with me
23. He held all my power
24. He wasn’t affectionate
25. He had more important things to do than be with me
WHY was he like this? I don’t understand, I believe I am a great catch.
I’m deserving because I’m:
1. A woman
2. A good person
Now from me:
Annie – first and foremost – read your list. Regardless of what that says about HIM – is this the kind of man you want?
And all you need on the list of why you deserve love is that you’re a woman…you don’t need to do anything else. The Universe wants you to be happy….Rori
Now from Annie
No, I don’t want a man like this, but he was the opposite of this list for the first couple of months. That alone makes this list hard to swallow because there was no reason for this switch. I mean he went from wanting to marry me, to buying me Tiffany’s necklace to being mean and sarcastic with me in a month and half to two months. I don’t get it. Again I guess I have to remember what the commitment phobia website says.
How can I break this connection to him? I want to break it. That’s a big step for me to even say. I use to not want to and try to get him back. I want to break it. I want to be free of wanting him. Can I also be free of wanting him and still want him to desire me as I desired him?
Also I am trying to look at a man, any man for 5 seconds. Man, Rori, this terrifies me. I tried the other day at Starbucks. I could only do if for 2 seconds and he looked directly at me and I was so terrified I looked away. Thinking about what you are suggesting terrifies me! How can we make this easier to do and to think about?
From me to Annie:
Brava!! Yeaaay – Annie – just DISCOVERING how terrifying this is for you is a HUGE breakthrough. You get more comfortable by practicing. That’s all. Just keep doing it. That’s why the Tools work. Just do them. Every one of them. Just practice out there. You’ll feel less scared after awhile, and bingo, someone will talk to you. You’ll be scared. You’ll practice more. Someone else will talk to you.
This is like major therapy in weeks!!!
Now–From Me To You…
I wanted to post this so you could see what processing through what’s going on for you works – even without me on the phone with you guiding you.
Our brains are programmed to think in certain ways. It’s challenging to think in different ways than we thought before, challenging to try to solve problems with “the same mind’ that CREATED the problem in the first place!
Instead…the way to get what you want is to get so active out there and so triggered that you become AWARE of how your mind works, and how you’re instinctively following your old patterns of thoughts and actions down the rabbit hole after what you DON’T want. If you think of all this as HABIT – instead of as some horrendously difficult, deeply entrenched thing that’s “wrong” with you…it will all happen so much more quickly!
The Free Therapy of Circular Dating, and the step-by-baby-step path you take will get you fast results that will motivate you to keep going – even if it’s in a direction you never even IMAGINED before!
If it feels good…keep thinking and doing it.
If it feels bad…stop thinking and doing it.
Simple as it sounds…it will start to work.There are many mind-body techniques that work brilliantly to help you along with this – meditating, breathing, yoga, “energy therapies” – so much.
And you don’t have to do it all – or ANY of it!. Just know it’s available, it can help speed things up, but – you CAN do it yourself!!!
Read again how Annie needed everything laid out so concretely and carefully in order to “get” it into her brain. Try it for YOU!