Comments on: Stop Solving Problems – Love Your Fear, Rage, And Desire

By: Uschi

Uschi — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 00:05:15 +0000

I wonder if – if he reads what I wrote after reading these blogs – if he would understand or see that I am trying to work on me – if that would make him come forward to meet me half way – or maybe more than half way – I wonder and I wonder some more – or will he just think this is all nonsense and phsychobabble – shrink nonsense if he thinks this is all BS cause he doesn’t like shrinks and feels all this touchy feely romantic stuff just is BS or so he said – I wonder – so I am reading this when he is not here trying not to be embarrassed that I need to do this learning about myself. I wonder —– cause for him its all logic and he is clamping down his feelings and then it comes out in hostility and he is getting depressed – so with what I learn here how can I help him too – cause I do love him

By: Andrea

Andrea — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:58:05 +0000

Cassandra,

I’m so glad we are working through this together! You are an inspiration to me as well! I’m cheering you on now. I want to see you have what you want! You deserve it!

XOXO,

Andrea

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:21:22 +0000

Andrea….
In following the thread through Rori’s steps I just found your post above and I cried when i read it because I can so relate to how you were feeling on that day. I hope that you are feeling better now. Just know that you are truly an inspiration to me…I admire your strength…your desire to be free and just BE and your longin got be a part of something special and filled with love. I can also understand the ‘control thing’ that you feel as I deal with that too and have to learn to turn it into what I want to do rather than what I want someone else to do. It is hard be we can get there. I just wanted you to know that you really are an inspiration to me.

Love and hugs….
Cassandra

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:42:24 +0000

Today is so hard. Its Sunday. It’s a day where I want to be with family and friends. I want to feel their love around me. I want to go to church and come home to a family who loves me and we could share time together and cook dinner together, share stories and play games. Yet I don’t know where to find this or have this. Today I am alone. I have tried to contact my friends; everyone is busy. Everyone has their own family. I am not their family. My friend Roxanne had invited me somewhere today however I spend entirely way too much time with her. She gets on my nerves, she has low self esteem. I feel she’s passive aggressive and I almost wonder if I don’t like her because she is a lot like me? Yet I still hang out with her because she is the only person available and willing, I feel like a loser when I‘m with her.

My parents live too far away. I wish they were near by.

Its such a beautiful day. I hear the rumble from passing motorcycles and I wish I had a motorcycle to enjoy it. And then I think Jim has a motorcycle, he must be enjoying it. Its Sunday, the day of football, he must be enjoying today. I want to share the joy of football Sundays; I use to, but right now, those days are gone. I loved meeting friends at a bar and watching football and enjoying their companionship and the food. Yet I’m alone and unfulfilled. Its not fair. I am so angry. I am beautiful and loving yet something is blocking me from sharing that. I see I am not whole. I ask God to make me whole. Nothing seems to be working and I want to give up.

I wonder if it was me that caused the break up? I remember that Jim had close friends and seemed to be motivated to bury himself in work and other activities. Was he fulfilled? I don’t think he was, but I feel/realize today maybe he is closer than me. Was it because I am not fulfilled that we didn’t work out? Why should he be fulfilled? I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I’m not a piece of trash to be discarded; I did nothing to deserve that. So why should he be fulfilled? Why should he be happy? Why can’t I be?

I don’t want to do this life alone. I don’t want to work to catch someone’s eye. I hate putting myself out there. I’m terrified of looking at someone and catching their eye. Then what if I have to talk? My energy is blocked by something and it frustrates me. I can feel I am stuck. I don’t know how to fix it. I can feel the judgments, the anger, the rage, buried and stuck deep within and I know the other person, should I ever be able to catch their eye, can feel it too. Yet here I am, I don’t know how to fix it. I’m alone in my room on this beautiful day unmotivated unwilling to do anything that might potentially make me feeling better ,or alternatively and my fear, make me feel worst. My mind still beats me up for not being outside.

I want to be, just be. Happy and content and free of this box. I want love to come to me freely and abundantly. I beat myself up because I am in my room. My mind tells me you’ll never be happy or meet anyone sitting in your room. Go out, watch a movie, ride your bike, go to the bar and watch football maybe you’ll meet someone. Yet something else in me doesn’t want to do it alone. It is so desperate to not do it alone that I’m unmotivated to make those moves. What is this battle?? I’m so scared, so terrified. I want to break free, I want that so much. I want to be whole. I am so terrified of doing what it takes. I just want to be whole. I don’t know why I am not whole.

I had such a wonderful time yesterday. I went to my friend Stef’s house. Her boyfriend, Mother, brother, sister and brother-in-law were there with their two cats, two dogs, and rabbit. That is how I use to grow up, but without the brothers or sisters. I have many cousins. However there was more jealously than love where I grew up. And Stef’s home was filled with love that I yearn to come home to or go to whenever I need to receive it and give it. I had a wonderful time carving pumpkins, having dinner, and we sang American Idol Karaoke on the Wii. I forgot all about my problems. I was having so much fun!! Then I had to go home and since then I am so upset and feel sooo alone and panicked. I have left myself to my room.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:05:54 +0000

Hmm yes, I see what you mean about controlling what someone else wants. That feeling is all in my body. How can I rid myself of that? How does one let go?

By: Rori Raye

Rori Raye — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 03:09:44 +0000

Andrea – YEs, yes and YES! – And a TWEAK, too:

Change every WAnt that involves controlling what SOMEONE ELSE wants. Instead of “I want every man to”…or “every woman to…” say “I Want to be cherished, adored, treated like a goddess, beautiful, to believe I’m beautiful….”

See? Give it a try. Love, Rori

By: Andrea

Andrea — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:12:33 +0000

I want to be completely fullfilled and happy. I want to know that I am the most confident woman ever. I want women to look at me and say I wish I could be like you and I want to tell them that they can. I want men to look at me and say I want her. I want them to chase after me. I want to be carefree and out of my box. I want Jim to realize how stupid he is and realize he will never come close to having anything or anyone as special as me. I want him and everyone to not only see the beauty on the outside but more importantly the beauty on the inside. I want to feel I have options. I want to feel I have the largest support group of friends and family that anyone could ever need. I want to feel loved and I want to give love in return!

By: Andrea

Andrea — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:06:09 +0000

Wow! Annie that was beautiful!

By: ann

ann — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:54:24 +0000

Thanks Annie, I really appreciate the feedback. Sometimes when I try something I wonder Am I doing this right? Then I realize we have different rights(ways od doing things or comprehending). You know like we’re all similiar but different at the same time.

By: Annie

Annie — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 01:35:20 +0000

You are on the right track. Love, Annie

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