Here’s a great letter about men, money, and commitment:
“Hi Rori, I am in a difficult situation and hoping you could help on it. I have been in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years. Initially I intended it to be one of my circular dating people. But he told me he was serious about me and proposed a year ago. Since then we have been getting very close and have made the relationship really good.
In day to day life I have very little issues with him, do love him and feel that I have worked very hard and he has given as much as he can to the relationship. We hardly have any fights, and get on very well and spend a lot if time together.
The problem now is that he is not in a financial position to be married, and I agree with him on that. He says he doesn’t know when he will be financially ready to be married, but says he loves me, and comments about spending his life with me. Recently, a colleague of mine asked me out and I thought he meant it as going out as friends.
This man is very important and also a nice man. I have known him for 4 years on and off but never been friends or anything else with him. The problem is since I went to a party with him( with many more colleagues there), he seems to think I am now going out with him and keeps texting me. His texts come when I am with the first guy and I feel terrible about it.
I feel stuck because I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just want to be friends with the second guy and want to have him in my life as a friend for now because I don’t know him well enough.
I am worried that he may not want that and just want a relationship. Part if me thinks I should give it a go and see what happens as I think he can at least offer me a future. My head is exploding with all of this, I don’t want to do anything wrong or immoral. What do you think?”
1. What does “not in a financial position to be married” MEAN?
Did he lose his job? His business went downhill? He’s changing jobs?
AND is this a permanent situation, a temporary situation?
AND – what is YOUR financial situation.
AND – WHAT do you need from a man in terms of his money?
AND what can the TWO of you do TOGETHER in terms of making money?
2. Ending a relationship so you can date another man is a bad idea – because, as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.
SO – Tell man B that you are and have been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and that you’re not ready, at this moment to leave that relationship, and that you’d like to continue to be friends with him if he’d like that. It doesn’t matter what he wants, here, because what matters is what YOU want.
Tell him you’ll be happy to answer his calls and texts when you’re not with your boyfriend, and that if the relationship you’re in should stop working, and he’s still free, you’d like to date him romantically – but not now, at this moment.
3. Then, you have a serious talk with your man about money and what you can do about it together.
Ask him how he sees this playing out.
Ask him if he sees you being married even THOUGH there’s no financial security. Here’s where you have to decide what kind of finances YOU need to get married.
If the discussion seems dire – then you ask him what he thinks the two of you should do.
That you are willing to hang in without marriage for “x” number of months, and then you’ll consider opening up the relationship (dating man B and Circular Dating any other man who’s available and interested).
It’s all about getting the logistics straight in your head, and then TALKING with the interested parties.