If He “Can’t” Get Married After 2.5 Years – What About The New Man Who Showed Up?

Here’s a great letter about men, money, and commitment:

“Hi Rori, I am in a difficult situation and hoping you could help on it. I have been in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years. Initially I intended it to be one of my circular dating people. But he told me he was serious about me and proposed a year ago. Since then we have been getting very close and have made the relationship really good.

In day to day life I have very little issues with him, do love him and feel that I have worked very hard and he has given as much as he can to the relationship. We hardly have any fights, and get on very well and spend a lot if time together.

The problem now is that he is not in a financial position to be married, and I agree with him on that. He says he doesn’t know when he will be financially ready to be married, but says he loves me, and comments about spending his life with me. Recently, a colleague of mine asked me out and I thought he meant it as going out as friends.

This man is very important and also a nice man. I have known him for 4 years on and off but never been friends or anything else with him. The problem is since I went to a party with him( with many more colleagues there), he seems to think I am now going out with him and keeps texting me. His texts come when I am with the first guy and I feel terrible about it.

I feel stuck because I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just want to be friends with the second guy and want to have him in my life as a friend for now because I don’t know him well enough.

I am worried that he may not want that and just want a relationship. Part if me thinks I should give it a go and see what happens as I think he can at least offer me a future. My head is exploding with all of this, I don’t want to do anything wrong or immoral. What do you think?”

My Answer:

1. What does “not in a financial position to be married” MEAN?

Did he lose his job? His business went downhill? He’s changing jobs?

AND is this a permanent situation, a temporary situation?

AND – what is YOUR financial situation.

AND – WHAT do you need from a man in terms of his money?

AND what can the TWO of you do TOGETHER in terms of making money?

2. Ending a relationship so you can date another man is a bad idea – because, as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.

SO – Tell man B that you are and have been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and that you’re not ready, at this moment to leave that relationship, and that you’d like to continue to be friends with him if he’d like that. It doesn’t matter what he wants, here, because what matters is what YOU want.

Tell him you’ll be happy to answer his calls and texts when you’re not with your boyfriend, and that if the relationship you’re in should stop working, and he’s still free, you’d like to date him romantically – but not now, at this moment.

3. Then, you have a serious talk with your man about money and what you can do about it together.

Ask him how he sees this playing out.

Ask him if he sees you being married even THOUGH there’s no financial security. Here’s where you have to decide what kind of finances YOU need to get married.

If the discussion seems dire – then you ask him what he thinks the two of you should do.

That you are willing to hang in without marriage for “x” number of months, and then you’ll consider opening up the relationship (dating man B and Circular Dating any other man who’s available and interested).

It’s all about getting the logistics straight in your head, and then TALKING with the interested parties.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

1,179 Comments to “If He “Can’t” Get Married After 2.5 Years – What About The New Man Who Showed Up?”

1: Femininewoman says:

hhhhmmmmm

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:59am
2: Femininewoman says:

2. Ending a relationship so you can date another man is a bad idea – because, as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:01am
3: GlowStix says:

Rori you just blew my mind, and not even in a way that pertains to the topic. Wow. Thank you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:31am
4: GlowStix says:

Omg yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!

Thank you for these realizations!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:32am
5: GlowStix says:

What does it feel like to hold onto this belief?

It feels restrictive. Like like a big leather strap up around my shoulders and nailed to the floor. Eeek! Restrictive feelings fee big and scary and hovering up above my head. Looming. Danger. Can’t move can’t breathe. Static stagnant moss growing lack of freedom. Gross. I’ve been restraining myself with holding this belief.

What does it feel like to let go of this belief?

I don’t know? Can I? I can. I can do anything I desire. I will remember. Hold that gently with me in my center. I can do anything. All I have to do create it is move. Just move in that direction. Just an inch. Oh look, we are an inch in that direction. Perfect! It feels much brighter over here! Lighter. Oh I feel a yawning in the back of me. Upper back, shoulders, neck. Opening. Wow. Possibilities flow in through here, eh? Possibilities through the back. Manifestations flow out through the front. Chest, throat, face, forehead. Energies cycle out through the top of the head down to the feet and through the body. Out the toes and fingertips and eyes and pevis, into the world.

Brilliant.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:46am
6: MovingMagic says:

Wow, I have two dates lined up for Wednesday evening. One over coffee, & another on the dance floor. First time for everything.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:13am
7: GlowStix says:

The growth of the positive is unfortumately stunted, when the observer is focused entirely on the negative side. Negative is not bad. Without the negative the positive becomes a neutral
and no longer “exists”. Yet, when the negative aspect of a circumstance is solely focused on and built up and expanded through words and actions and thoughts and outlooks, the positive flounders. Shrinks.

I like the visual of two balls of coloured energy. Both useful, and have their place in existance and both will *always* exist. Neither will ever fully disappear. We do not live in a flatly affected and neutralized Universe. However, the size of one ball of energy is related, in an equal and opposite way, to the size of the other ball of energy. Build and grow the positive energy, and the negative will shrink in relation. Be gently accepting of the negative energy’s existance. For it can not just disappear. Yet it is, afterall, shrinking by the minute.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:25am
8: Daria says:

I’m changing !

I’m more heavy in my body!

I reacted instinctively and powerfully and took care of my boundaries loudly !

And not blaming

Spontaneous

This feels awesome !

Yay me yay

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:31am
9: GlowStix says:

MovingMagic

Your posts move me whenever I read them, and touch me with a happy feeling <3

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:32am
10: GlowStix says:

(((Daria)))

That feels awesome to read!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:33am
11: Indigo says:

Heart (from previous thread)

Thank you. Your well wishes felt very uplifting. Xx

I am in a better place. And I agree with you in a way. There is a lot about this relationship that “worked” for me on a very deep level. Even the very slow progress towards commitment and the uncovering of fears felt safe to me, in a way.

I feel as if my horse is a beautiful grey mare (I actually *have* such a horse) and we are walking forward. I am moving forward, regardless of what happens here.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:46am
12: MovingMagic says:

Thank you GlowStix. I find myself using this blog as a way to analyze myself, & not the men who come in and out of my life. This blog is a source of growth & understanding for me. I love reading everyones stories/experiences. They serve as a reminder -a reminder to take care of myself, know myself, & to stay in a place of feeling. It’s stopped being about the man for me. Interestingly enough men can sense that in me, & are coming out of the woodwork.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:54am
13: Indigo says:

Thanks CurvySiren (from previous thread)

this was a big fear of mine too. And thank you for saying that he seems crazy about me. I feel that on a deep level, but I don’t *know* it in my life all the time by a long shot.

I think I am almost at the point where I don’t fear his fear of commitment any more. He will or he won’t, and I just feel I somehow have to do what’s best for me regardless.

Thank you for your support.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:54am
14: MovingMagic says:

Indigo, I like the place you’re coming to. Sometimes peace can feel like a rocky road.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:07pm
15: Indigo says:

Thank you, Moving Magic. I believe that.

I am so grateful to have this place to come to, this blog is a warm, authentic, wonderful place and I feel so grateful for all of you.

Goodnight Sirens!

Xx

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:20pm
16: Daria says:

I love my magical life !

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:28pm
17: Starla says:

I took a pregnancy test that said negative last week, but my period is over 2 weeks late. i don’t want to be pregnant. i hate that if i just have low HCG levels, i might not know for sure if i’m pregnant until it’s too late to legally abort the pregnancy. blah.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:41pm
18: Turquoise says:

Hi sirens! Wow, what a weekend. The weather and roads were really bad, I hyper extended my knee skiing, had to stay over in Maryland last night because roads were treacherous, I had no wifi there, and got to work 3 hours late today because we had to drive home this morning. And, I have a cold!!!

But guess what? I also had fun, took lots of pictures, met some new people, got along well with C, took a ski lesson and got less scared of it, and had fun. Normally I’d have felt all stressed out, and the roads were scary, but we found a wonderful hotel and enjoyed our extended weekend! I also had a magical moment, unloading stuff from the car and walking to my room Friday night, a gorgeous deer came right up to me and wanted fed. All I had on my was a little bag of Doritos, but she was close enough to sniff the bag in my hand and she ate them quickly. She wasn’t scared of me at all and I even got a picture of her with my flash on. I could have pet her, but she was big and I felt nervous. She had these huge gorgeous eyes and I swear eye lashes very special moment that I won’t ever forget!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:41pm
19: Mercedes says:

“as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.” – Well…that’s probably very, very true.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:46pm
20: miraculously loved says:

Ohhh…I like this…experiencing her judging him for not being in a good financial place, not opening up about her needs and then drawing in a third person…confusion, sad for her but excited about the possibility if she does what Rori tells her. Inquisitive: is there something boring her..I feel bored reading about her relationship. I hate being bored…is she looking to get out of her relationship because she wants adventure?? I know sometimes I want to run..and feel excited so I think its my relationship but its me I get boring…ewww

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:53pm
21: miraculously loved says:

Working out with my B now that’s exciting! I love it when we work out because he goes to his side of the gym and I go to mine…guys are just guys so if they don’t see us walk in together then they come and flock around me…although I would not pay them attention…it’s enough to feel sexy…my energy opened but not too opened. I would not want to toy with B’s heart…I feel compassionate…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:19pm
22: Turquoise says:

Yikes Starla, you could get a blood test. Do you have symptoms?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:29pm
23: Starla says:

turquoise, yes, i have symptoms, sonofabeeeeetch eek

i just made an appointment for next thursday for a blood test. so romantic haha valentines day

i feel better already.

and i’m going to get an IUD immediately if i’m not pregnant. and if i am, assuming that QZ and i are on the same page about not following through with the pregnancy, i will get an IUD inserted as soon as possible after.

i feel sad and sick for not taking better care of my body by protecting it from unwanted pregnancies and the stress accompanied with wondering if you’re prego.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:34pm
24: GlowStix says:

(((starla)))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:39pm
25: Turquoise says:

Don’t panic Starla. If your levels are low, that’s not a good sign for the pregnancy itself. I have heard that many women miscarry and don’t even realize because they think their periods are just late.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:42pm
26: Starla says:

i miscarried once before (thank goodness). i don’t want a baby right now.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:43pm
27: Femininewoman says:

Healing from heartbreak means taking responsibility for how you’re feeling even after a breakup. The cure for your pain lies within you. It’s an inside job and, once tackled, heartbreak will never be as painful again.

http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com/healing-from-heartbreak/

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:44pm
28: Miraculously Loved says:

Starla, there are several reasons your body may shut down your menstrual cycle one being changes in diet, weight loss or gain or other hormonal changes. Also panicking and anxiety can cause a shut down…relax until you know something. A pregnancy test should be enough if its been long enough…you could take another one now as well. The important thing is that you should get checked out…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:45pm
29: Starla says:

i feel ‘victimized’ by my PCOS and being a woman and not having access to clear answers or medical care that doesn’t revolve around ‘here take this birth control pill even though you’re still recovering from the side effects of the last one’ for every feminine problem.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:45pm
30: Turquoise says:

Starla, I take Gianvi and am symptom free, except for a few headaches, and that could be other things. I’d take another home test. I took tests 18 hours apart and first was negative, second was positive. Is it likely? We’re you using protection?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:48pm
31: Starla says:

28 ML
I have PCOS.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:49pm
32: Starla says:

no protection. i know it was stupid of me/us, but hey….

he pulled out but we all know that isn’t always enough.

i feel so mad right now! i want normal hormones! i hate that i will never know if i’m pregnant or if my period’s just late! ahhhhhh! i want to cuss. F8CK

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:50pm
33: Turquoise says:

You could probably go to a clinic and get a test quicker. A week and a half is a long time to wait.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:04pm
34: GlowStix says:

I was diagnosed with endometriosis while I was on the pill. Symptoms developed while on the pill. I was told to keep taking the pill continually, without “period breaks” to treat it. When I was told to stop taking the pill for other, more serious health reasons, I did and whaddaya know? I have had almost no sypmtoms of the endometriosis
since. They went away almost immediately after stopping the BCP.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:05pm
35: Femininewoman says:

Tip #2: Be Respectful at All Times

How often have you or your partner been pouring out your heart to the other, and if the message isn’t being received well, there is a rolling of the eyes or a back turned to deflect criticism or a hand put up to shush the other?

These non-verbal cues all signal disrespect. One of the best test questions you can ask yourself is, “Would I behave this way in front of a minister/rabbi/police officer/judge/boss?

Surely we deserve as much respect, and so we should be conscious of how we show our level of respect to our partners, too.

http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/uncategorized/communication_is_this/

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:09pm
36: Starla says:

turquoise, we only had sex starting last month, so it’s ok to wait 10 days. sorry i was totally freaking out! i’m a spazz and worried haha

plus i have insurance that doesn’t work at clinics, making it cheaper for me (yay on top of all of this, i am totally broke and can’t afford this garbage) to see a doctor’s office.

and while i’m there, i can get my annual exam done and schedule an IUD insertion.

i can’t wait to never worry about being pregnant! holy moly!!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:15pm
37: LoveAlways says:

Hi Sirens:

I decided to buy the Love Forever membership!
I’m still a work in progress, and I hope to use the new tools to keep myself siren-y and grounded.

I don’t post as much any more because I started keeping a written journal because it helps to re-read my emotions and it was so much of hassle to re-read them on the blog. Much much easier than when I was doing it on the blog. But then I miss interacting on the blog like I’m used to doing. I hope to balancing out my journaling with posting and catching up on the love forever recordings. I feel excited about this.

Oh, Thanks Memulo and FW – it has been a very heartfelt process of getting back together with HScd. I spent some hard moments in the pits, but I feel happy that he leaned forward to reconnect.

Leaning back has not been that easy – I feel helpless a lot (and I know I shouldn’t).

But it does feel good to have my “feminine energy marathons” – they really helped me out.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:18pm
38: Starla says:

my man is so strong for the both of us.

he has transformed quite a bit. i feel so dang impressed.

i always wanted the guy who would stay immovable like an old, wise tree while i stormed around him. and i got me one.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:27pm
39: Starla says:

i just feel so SAFE with him. like i can feel whatever i feel, i can be in whatever mood i’m in, i can tell him the honest truth about it, and he can HANDLE it. and he won’t try to convince me that i’m wrong, or that i’m failing him in some way…

yes, i’d want a man with this great trait to raise my kids. so they can feel safe as individuals with individual reactions and feelings…

but not any time soon! eeeeek. i can’t believe i had to tell him to tone it down! he adores me so much and is very clear that he wants the whole enchilada with me… ahhh slow down, buddy! it’s only been over a month since we got back together! Let’s just “be” for a while! Please!

ahhhhh

i’m so glad to have the blog for venting today.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:33pm
40: Annie says:

I don’t want to be in an independent or co dependent relationship. Neither of these feel healthy or truly loving for me.
I want to be in a happy healthy interdependent relationship/s

I want to be an independent being. being responsible for my self autonomy but be in happy healthy interdependent loving workable and doable relationships.

It feels good to read about your journey Miraculously Loved.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:41pm
41: Annie says:

Quotes from wki.
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.
William James, Great Men, Great Thoughts, and the Environment, Atlantic Monthly, October, 1880

Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.
Mahatma Gandhi, Young India, March 21, 1929, p. 93

The basic thought that guides these specific means of national recovery is not narrowly nationalistic. It is the insistence, as a first consideration, upon the interdependence of the various elements in all parts of the United States – a recognition of the old and permanently important manifestation of the American spirit of the pioneer.
U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, First Inaugural Address, 1932

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra, Houghton Mifflin, 1911, Chapter 7

…for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.
Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream, 1963

Moreover, I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial “outside agitator” idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.
Martin Luther King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963

Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.
Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989

Hence, international co-operation and solidarity and the relentless search for consensus become an absolute imperative. They are the only possible alternative for all nations, whose interdependence is being made increasingly manifest by the rapid development of production technology, of transport and communications, as well as by the overhanging threat of deterioration of the environment and exhaustion of natural resources. And what is one to say of the frightful accumulation of means of destruction in a world facing the no less frightful problems of hunger, disease and ignorance?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:42pm
42: LoveAlways says:

(((((((((((((((((((Starla)))))))))))))))))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:16pm
43: Marina says:

Wow, this is not the kind of communication I used to know on this blog….I feel very icky…
Just wanted to say ‘hi’ to Sirens from a couple of years ago. I hope you are all doing great!
I will go back to just reading Rori’s blogposts and practicing the Tools…
Love, Marina

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:17pm
44: Starla says:

Sorry Marina, I haven’t talked to anyone like that in years and years. It’s a fluke, at least on my part. Sometimes I see other sirens getting into with each other, but for some reason it always happens when I’m not around to witness it.

Anyway I’m sorry Marina

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:22pm
45: Starla says:

i came here to vent about a problem i can’t talk about anyone at all with in my real life, and got really bulldozed under the guise of “my own stuff here” which was just a manipulative way to spew specific judgments that are unique to my specific situation. I am feeling pretty betrayed.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:26pm
46: Rori Raye says:

Whoa – Just saw this exchange between Starla and Mercedes. First, Mercedes, I know it’s in the past, and I still want to hug you for your losses – these do not go away, ever, I believe, and I feel your sensitivity and love and pain right through your comment.

Starla, I can feel how what Mercedes said sounded and felt so judgmental – and yet, as I read it, it’s almost judgment-free until about 2/3 of the way through, and then, Mercedes, it would feel pretty harsh to me if I were on the receiving end of this.

Here’s where I’m at with this, and I almost deleted both comments:

The world is a big learning lab, a human experience being lived moment by moment by each of us, in an environment over which we have no control and can’t possibly understand, yet have to LOVE in order to feel good in the human experience we’re having.

Each of us is in a completely different mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, experiential place, with completely different learned perceptions of reality and what the world actually IS.

We see each other through the lens of our own place. We’re each coming from different places, and we’re coming from different places at different times, being in different places at different times.

Judgment is cruel because it’s ultimately an attack on ourselves. Attack makes learning more difficult.

Anger is something else – it’s simply a human experience. And I believe we can express ourselves, no matter how angry or rage filled, WITHOUT judgment.

As a coach – it’s impossible for me to assist anyone else if I judge her. Absolutely impossible. If I can’t meet everyone on the planet wherever they are, I can’t meet myself, and I can’t get the learning started.

We’re all in this together. We all have different ways of hiding and expressing what we care about and often it comes out sounding like we “don’t care.”

Starla, I wish you the very best outcome with this situation, and really thank you for being so brave to share your experience with all of us, and Mercedes, regardless of how you perceive Starla and women in general in different situations and with different mind styles from you – I really get that you don’t mean to be attacking – it just comes out that way in the writing.

And the way I know that is from Starla’s pretty intense attack back.

If we continue to trigger each other in this way, do we stifle the learning? Yeah, I think so, because when we get all up in self-protection and our defenses and thoughts and opinions and perceptions and decisions, and think that because we are “all one” we are also “the same,” we get into an imaginary world where there’s not so much to learn.

We are all on different paths, and in different places on those paths – and, for me, we are ALL NECESSARY to the process!!! Each of us is a piece of the puzzle, and without one of us doing what we’re doing, none of us get to learn anything or move to a higher collective consciousness.

I absolutely LOVE wherever anyone is, because that mirrors back to me all the various, diverging, differing parts of ME I’m not all that familiar with.

Starla and Mercedes, I hope you’re both okay with me leaving up all the comments, and I hope the discussion is now closed on this subject.

If anyone needs me personally around this – please let Dominique or Brenda or Daria or Starla or Mercedes know – they’ll tell you where to reach me.

Love to both of you – on completely different journeys on completely different paths.

For me – no one’s right, no one’s wrong. There is no such thing. Perceiving a world of rights and wrongs is….meaningless to me.

I like it best when I don’t go there.

Love, Rori

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:30pm
47: Starla says:

“I hope you’re both okay with me leaving up all the comments, and I hope the discussion is now closed on this subject.”

I’m fine, and I’d love if it were closed. This is going to sound really passive aggressive and that’s not how I mean it, but, i’ll deal with this issue on my own and in secret if I need to. I’ve gotten really spoiled by this blog because it’s allowed me to have release and support when I have no one else I can talk to.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:42pm
48: ruth says:

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:47pm
49: Annie says:

“Judgment is cruel because it’s ultimately an attack on ourselves. Attack makes learning more difficult.

Anger is something else – it’s simply a human experience. And I believe we can express ourselves, no matter how angry or rage filled, WITHOUT judgment.”

I feel in agreement and do believe that judgment makes learning more difficult.
It feels difficult not to do something that we have been taught to do and most people do.
I understand that when we are in judgment we are not be loving.

I do not see how our world can function without any judgement though. As lovely and as idealistic as that would be.
As if I say someone feels harmful to me or toxic dangerous I am judging them.Actually no one person feels toxic or harmful.
Just some behavior.

Do you think it is ok to judge the behavior?
How would it be possible for society to function if we did not do this.
Wouldn’t it be anarchy and a free for all?

when we call someone a Liar, cheat etc, these are all judgments.
I have heard you use these terms Rori

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:04pm
50: Tam says:

Wow Ladies.
Just on a side note…unprotected sex can happen without the influence of weed. Ahem….just sayin’
And yea, it feels a bit sad to be attacked in a ‘safe place’…but then I guess that is the human experience. Different opinions and triggers.
And lashing out.
Something I tried to stop for me. And it doesn’t always work, I still go back to the lashing out place occasionally.
When I saw those comments it brought back to me how triggering a lashing out episode is for all involved. And no, it probably doesn’t facilitate healing, just hurt, anger and raised heartbeats.
Sigh.
I still do it too.
I did it with Curly. But then, afterwards I had a quick spell of telling him that I felt humiliated and belittled. And was sad and angry.
At least that. After I lashed out and walked away.
Next time when a confrontation with anyone happens, perhaps I can be brave and say how I feel.
Thanks for the triggers ladies.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:05pm
51: LoveAlways says:

Rori says: “Each of us is in a completely different mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, experiential place, with completely different learned perceptions of reality and what the world actually IS.

We see each other through the lens of our own place. We’re each coming from different places, and we’re coming from different places at different times, being in different places at different times.”

This is what makes this blog – siren island – so beautiful.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:07pm
52: Starla says:

thanks, tam. yeah, we weren’t high when we decided to keep going without a condom and just pull out. we were just HORNY.

i’m not high all day every day, and assuming as much is about as ignorant as assuming that someone who advocates for looser liquor laws or works for a beer company is drunk all day every day. And that any mistake they made, they made cuz they were drunk.

http://www.logicalfallacies.info/ here, this might help.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:09pm
53: Annie says:

Hi Starla.
Are you able to get some impartial non judgmental helpful advice that will help you get the support you need.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:10pm
54: Tam says:

not high just horny..lol..been there

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:12pm
55: Starla says:

Annie, I don’t need advice exactly, just some loving support.

My therapist is a man and didn’t know that you can get a false negative on a pregnancy test hahahaha ohhhh ((((((((men)))))))). He’s probably not the best go-to person for this situation.

I think I might be a little spoiled even having this blog to turn to. 20 years ago, many women handled this stuff in secret and completely on their own.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:17pm
56: Starla says:

sigh, i feel defeated and exhausted. it just doesn’t matter.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:29pm
57: GlowStix says:

((((women everywhere))))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:33pm
58: Annie says:

Hugs Starla.

I feel for you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:37pm
59: Annie says:

We all need support Starla.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:38pm
60: Linda says:

wow.. to the recent exchange here.

Rori thank you so much for leaving the comments.

Two women here with strong presences on this blog. Two whom I have learned. Two women who differ but are confident to speak about how they feel passionately. I admire that and can read both with interest. All the sirens here come from alll over the world in my estimation. Our upbringings, faiths, cultures, experiences, opinions, loves, losses, gains, hopes, dreams, realilities and our lives are filtered thru each of those things.

The thing that I believe and feel confirmation of within the deepest part of my fiber… is that we are more than random bits and pieces of gray matter that somehow organized itself into the amazing complex beings that we are. The common thing that unite us all here is our desire for relationship… to know and to be known. If that were not true we would not seek the presence of any other person(s) in our lives. We would be like isolated islands with no trespassing signs posted. There definately would not be reason for a blog like this either.

Passionately speaking your heart is something I can learn by this exchange. I have a definate opinion that will not be voiced, except to say that life is precious, fragile, and miraculous… something that is often taken for granted but should never be.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:38pm
61: GlowStix says:

I had some feelings coming up from the get go here. I feel curious what these specific feelings are popping up to show me. They don’t quite jive with what I *thought* my opinion was. I believe there is actually very much healing to be had here, and judgement can come up to heal us, same as all else. I feel a big sigh. All in perspective…I feel solid to have discovered a very strong, and opposite opinion, without feeling judgements, within me. I do feel a bit surprised.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:39pm
62: Femininewoman says:

I feel rattled and traumatized reading some of the exchange. Rori I wonder if respect for oneself and respect for others kinda stops us from taking certain paths. At least that has been my belief and my certain. Some might see it as avoiding confrontation but it just feels bad even on a physical level

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:58pm
63: Annie says:

Tam , you didn’t lash out the other day.
It feels really difficult to me not to lash out at times.
Sometimes, damn near impossible if the feeling I get is pure rage. Once I have hit that point, it feels like a point of no return. I am then like a Tiger and would advise anyone to Run

You told me the other day you thought I was judging you hence felt judged.

And I apologized. I accepted that you felt judged even though that wasn’t my intention.
And just because I didn’t intend or mean to do something, it doesn’t mean the other person will not feel hurt, judged, harmed attacked.

All our feelings are unique to us.
I don’t want to dismiss or invalidate another feelings.
And I don’t want mine invalidated either.
I

In the same way as when I feel attacked sometimes, even if the other person wasn’t intending to attack or hurt.
Doesn’t mean I am not really feeling attacked or hurt.

But another person is not responsible for our feelings we are.
We all have to manage our own feelings as adults.
As children we are not able to do this.
This is why one of our jobs as loving parents is to help/facilliatate our children to learn how to manage their feelings and in some situation take appropriate action to help them

As adults we have to learn how to take care of all of our feeling core ones and wounded ones parent our own inner children and the wounded feelings as they come up in a loving way and if we take loving action in our higher interest we cause a shift and start to heal.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:59pm
64: Starla says:

it doesn’t matter. i’m going home. i do feel excited that you ladies are able to glean some growth and insight from the exchange and my situation. but i’m going to go home to actually live it and deal with it. I’m sorry I even brought it up.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:02pm
65: Starla says:

i said up at the way top of this thread that “i feel sad and sick for not taking better care of my body by protecting it from unwanted pregnancies and the stress accompanied with wondering if you’re prego.”

i said this from the beginning and it’s still true

I GUESS YOU JUST WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE BRUISES TO PROVE I’VE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP?

ohhh i am not letting this go so easy:(

ugh, probably because this is real life for me, not just some peculiar thing on the internet.

f8ck dude i’m leaving for real now. the office is empty

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:10pm
66: Annie says:

We all make mistakes honey.

It’s ok to make mistakes.
I don’t know any woman in your situation who wouldn’t feel worried, sad and sick.

Big hugs Starla.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:19pm
67: Maria says:

Hi Rori and ladies!

Rori I want to thank you for your teachings and the ladies here who share their stories and advice. I dont always comment but I do read. I would like to give you guys a progress report. Mr. H invited me over and this time the timing was right so I accepted his offer. I had done some things previously to push him away and thought he wouldn’t want to see me again and I had accepted it that we were done. After watching the Love scripts and reading the revised version of Rori’s book I decided to stop.. Just stop over thinking, stop trying to control, and I leaned completely back. Within 2 weeks he had invited me over. I ended up spending the night. But this time it was different. Instead of trying to pre-plan our conversations and try and talk about things that interested him.. I just stopped and was my natural self. I’m not very talkative (unless I’m drunk lol)… And you know what? He lead the conversation and asked about things about me that we had previously talked about before things got rocky. he asked what I had been up to and was geniunely interested in what was going with me. We ended up stating up talking and watching TV for the next few hours even though we both had to work the next morning. It felt really good to just be my natural self.

Now the one thing that I didn’t do was feeling messeges. They felt a little scary and uncomfortable. But, now I know why Rori wants us to practice them. So when I see him again I’m going to use feeling messages and I also have a boundary to set. Wish me luck!

Oh and I also want to add that I went out a couple of weeks ago and one guy bought me a drink and another asked for my number. As it turns out he lives 2.5 hours away but he’s been sending me text messages so hopefully this is the start of some circular dating

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:19pm
68: Maria says:

Hi Rori and ladies!

Rori I want to thank you for your teachings and the ladies here who share their stories and advice. I dont always comment but I do read. I would like to give you guys a progress report. Mr. H invited me over and this time the timing was right so I accepted his offer. I had done some things previously to push him away and thought he wouldn’t want to see me again and I had accepted it that we were done. After watching the Love scripts and reading the revised version of Rori’s book I decided to stop.. Just stop over thinking, stop trying to control, and I leaned completely back. Within 2 weeks he had invited me over. I ended up spending the night. But this time it was different. Instead of trying to pre-plan our conversations and try and talk about things that interested him.. I just stopped and was my natural self. I’m not very talkative (unless I’m drunk lol)… And you know what? He lead the conversation and asked about things about me that we had previously talked about before things got rocky. he asked what I had been up to and was geniunely interested in what was going with me. We ended up stating up talking and watching TV for the next few hours even though we both had to work the next morning. It felt really good to just be my natural self.

Now the one thing that I didn’t do was feeling messeges. They felt a little scary and uncomfortable. But, now I know why Rori wants us to practice them. So when I see him again I’m going to use feeling messages and I also have a boundary to set. Wish me luck!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:20pm
69: Annie says:

I also do not know any women who would not feel deep pain/trauma if they had unwanted miscarriages if trying for a baby.

Hugs Mercedes.

Both awful situations to be in.

A saying comes to me.
There for the Grace of God go I.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:22pm
70: Maria says:

Starla (((hugs))).. I’ve been in that situation. I hope things work out favorably for you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:25pm
71: Femininewoman says:

Maria!!!!!! Nice.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:26pm
72: GlowStix says:

Many of us have been where you’re at starla, and support you. For me personally, I hope you move through this with as little bruising as possible, yet I know, very well, there is nothing to say to shape how you feel in your own life, and within this circumstance. We all deal how we deal. Feel free to send me PMs if you need someone to vent to, or don’t. <3

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:30pm
73: Rori Raye says:

Starla – I don’t want to close down what’s going on with YOU – please, this is your place to work through your feelings! I just called a halt in the attack conflict between you and Mercedes…Love, Rori

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:40pm
74: Siren Angel says:

(((((Sirens))))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:04pm
75: Siren Angel says:

((((Starla))))

Breathe, go get a test, we ALL get these scares at SOME time… It is part of being a woman. Even when on the pill we can get those scares… You can’t beat yourself up for something that happened in the past… … ….
((((Starla))))

Now, on another note, YES, things CAN go well AND be OK! It is NOT too good to be true. It can never be too good to be true because you are deserving.

xx

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:11pm
76: Siren Angel says:

Starla,

I am just catching up reading ‘upwards’… There are clinics where they can do an ultrasound to be ‘sure’…

xx

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:15pm
77: Emoticon says:

” What does “not in a financial position to be married” MEAN?”

this was the main question floating around in my head.

But i say the same thing, im not in a financial position to be in a relationship. I always say when i start a good stable job i will be and what not…..

Sometimes i wonder if this is not just my commitment phobia (which I know I am battling for a bit)
But i really and truly do not want to be a dependent gf.
I dont want to be a burden to someone….. its nice to get surprise help from someone but to be constantly depending on someone…..not nice. hmmm

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:29pm
78: Vi says:

Vi, feeling angry does not equal to cold/ shut down. You CAN be mad and warm. I love you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:34pm
79: Linda says:

I posted last thread about an invitation to meet FavoriteCD’s daughter yesterday. I wont rewrite any of it except to say that I did decide and stopped circling and sifting. The process while necessary, became feeling endless and tiresome.

568 (last thread) Indigo. Thank you for your input and take on it. THank you for encouraging me the positive spin you saw.

569 MiraculoslyLoved…. Thank you as well. What you wrote caused me to reflect today on things that I was not in touch with inside me… but your words brought attention to them. I read them after the fact and honestly can use them to reflect on how I felt in my body and how it affected my presence and vibe. Your words have given me some other things to consider and is helping me bring further clarity.

I did agree to meet her. She is a beautiful, open hearted little girl. She has a twinkle in her eye and a free spirit. Her relationship with her dad, playful and respectful. It was delightful to see their interaction.

I arrived at the meeting opportunity under my own terms, which I felt honored me. That felt good. I felt independant but admittidly guarded … not because of his daughter, but I took his words literally presented myself as his friend… pulled way back and distanced myself emotionally from him actually. It is what felt safe. I did not like my own vibe actually. I could not find where he was seated in church… so after being urged to take a seat I sat alone and began engaging in the service. It was not long until he found me and he led me back to where he was seated with his mother.

Standing there beside a man that I have felt so at home with since the day we first met.. I realized that I had removed myself emotionally him. I felt disconnected and unauthentic. As I said…I did not like my own vibe! I expected him to behave as a “friend”…. but as we stood side by side.. no words spoken… I felt him press the back of his open hand into the side of my thigh next to him, waiting for my hand to be placed in his and as I responded… he firmly held it. I my protective facade and uncertainty about his feelings for me… instantly vanished.

I had told him that I would follow his lead…. with his daughter as far as what our relationship was…. he was his warm. He fondly spoke of things we had done together, and his enjoyment and cuteness of my dog… and he put his arm behind me and rested it on the chair as we talked. (we were eating lunch at his mothers home). Our interaction was light and fun and playful his daughter. Later we went to play wii bowling together and to his home. In private, he kissed me warmly and longingly… and I did not stay long because I felt I should honor his wish to spend the rest of his day with just his daughter. I left at what I felt was just the right time… and sent off with a hug from her, a long linger kiss from him (in private)… and a statement from him that if he did not have child responsibilities he would be going with me…

Yes…I did feel tense at times… but was able to break thru it. I was able to be myself with her… I feel all it was a positive step and his further incorporating me into his life.

THere are a few things I need to own up to.. and speak up about still… but I could see me with this man in a committed relationship his presense in my life fits

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:41pm
80: Olivia says:

@starla : i have an iud and there is an awesome blog called iud divas that helped me make my decision about which one to get, what to expect, if you are in need of info (but maybe you don’t just thought i’d put it out there!)

hugs to everyone for sharing their thoughts on relationship on this blog. it’s been great for me.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:07pm
81: GlowStix says:

Emoticon

Hey I hear you…I have felt that way too. And thought that thought “I don’t want to be a burden.” And letting go of this still feels touchy, and it still pops up a lot, for me. I do know that, to me, there is no “burden” within love. And It is something I will move through letting go of, until it is no longer even a thought.

It is fulfilling to care for me. I can believe this while still believing I don’t have to “require” someone to care for me. I can still also be fully in my feminine while not requiring that I be taken care of wholly, financially etc.

That’s the epiphany I had at the top of the thread

And the trigger was rori’s words “What do you need his money for?”

Well…Nothing! But it will still feel good to be taken on
the occasional date, and treated to flowers.

I can be the main breadwinner and still be fully feminine in my relationship. And that felt “aha!!” and “yes!!!!”

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:09pm
82: GlowStix says:

I felt brought back to “switching hats” and realized I had been narrowing it’s purpose in using the tool only for receiving his presence. I can use it when switching from work to home and from “go getter” to lover.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:12pm
83: GlowStix says:

I realize I had been holding myself back and restraining myself with this limiting belief: If I work more, and end up with more money than him, he will never treat me to anything.

Very limiting. And I moved my first inch on this belief today.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:14pm
84: Femininewoman says:

Linda that feels “just right” deep down.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:14pm
85: GlowStix says:

Ever changing, always learning I feel totally at ease in my life this day, even with all my swirly life thoughts lol, and i’m milking every moment.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:16pm
86: GlowStix says:

(((Linda)))

Sounds normal and authentic, whether you felt it or not. You sound great

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:20pm
87: Linda says:

FW and Glowstix … Oh my ! how good that feels to read !!!!

Here I have been focused on what I needed to improve on… do better…. all the while minimizing what went really right. I have been living life with this CD with no expectations and receiving as my moto and mindset.

Maybe I need to lighten up on the expectations that I put on me and so that I can better enjoy and see what is going better and what I did right!

A gift I could give myself?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:35pm
88: Miraculously Loved says:

#79 Linda
That sounds marvelous and in your words I feel openness…how wonderful for you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:42pm
89: GlowStix says:

Yes, I think that sounds like a beautiful gift to yourself, Linda Tie it up in a big bow, you deserve it!

I love how you spoke of his daughter btw it felt so tender and gentle and also concerned to do right by her, in a good way.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:49pm
90: Annie says:

It feels so good when I state what would feel better and then I get offered it, I feel heard and happy then

And it feels so bad when I clearly state that i do not want something and state what i do want instead very directly and then get offered what i do not want over and over again. Even though I say no I don’t want that, as that would feel stressful to me or unnerving etc etc.
I then just keep getting offered what I do not want and called difficult, ungrateful etc etc.

It makes me feel sad, how is expecting me to be happy what I do not want ever going to make me feel happy?
Why is me not wanting what i don’t want and refusing it being ungrateful and difficult, if what I am being offered makes me feel stressed, unheard and sad.

That just feels truly awful.
I am not wrong wanting what I want. And not wanting to do something that makes me feel stressed out or bad.
I want to feel calm and good.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:57pm
91: Annie says:

What is going on with this person/ couple of people who keep offering me what I do not want over and over and expecting me to change my mind and be happy with it?

Calling me names like difficult, ungrateful, saying things like “nothing is ever good enough for you, makes me not want to bother.”
That isn’t the truth if I was offered what I clearly stated I wanted that would and does make me feel happy, relaxed, happy, heard and grateful.
I feel wonderful then.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:04pm
92: Annie says:

It makes me feel suspicious.
Are they either consciously or subconsciously getting a kick out of seeing me look angry or sad?

What is going on I want to understand why someone would do this?
And keep doing this.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:06pm
93: Annie says:

I feel icky unsettled inside, it feels like a storm at see inside when this happens.
Waves crashing.
It does not feel good.
It feels like I may have a heart attack or a stroke.
I want to take care of myself and not put myself in those situations anymore.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:10pm
94: Miraculously Loved says:

“and I cried when I left our tomorrows
in the abyss of a memory” this is the feeling for tonight. So much to feel here tonight but I have wonderful work to do and getting it done is far more important. I will put my feelings aside until morning when I can focus on them, I have spent energy on them today (avoiding them mostly) and it makes me feel more sad…passing sadness by until tomorrow…tiny bit of grieving and letting go still.
Much more good happening with B tonight in a conversation. I feel so big around him…
Beautiful (((sirens))) feeling supported by the universe..blessings for all

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:22pm
95: Annie says:

blessings back.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:35pm
96: Heart says:

Wow. I missed the epic fight and Rori deleted the posts!
Feeling so curious…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:40pm
97: Heart says:

#43 Marina – I feel a little grouchy reading your post. Comes across like you just showed up to chastise everyone.
Was it necessary to write that?
If you plan was to just keep reading Rori’s post…why didn’t you just keep doing that…Why did you need to say that?
Seems hypocritical…
Mercerdes & Starla may have had an Big Fight but that doesn’t make them bad ppl or make this place horrible.
Explosions happens sometimes ….these help us learn/practice How to Out Fires. ^_^

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:14pm
98: Indigo says:

Linda 79

It sounds like you did truly wonderfully. I think you can give huge ups to yourself! X

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:32pm
99: Indigo says:

Annie 90

I used to feel that way, and what shifted it for me was really trying to see it from the other person’s perspective.

I truly believe, to the core of my being, that those people do not mean to attack you. If someone says “you’re ungrateful”, yes it feels bad, and I feel fine to express that

But

they are also expressing that, though they try, nothing ever seems to be good enough. They are trying to please you, although imperfectly, and they feel that it is not appreciated.

I’m not trying to judge you at all, just share what felt better for me. I take a step back when someone says something like this, and I try to see their pain, and I try to validate it, as well as my own. And you find the exchange invariably softens. Other people also want to be heard, and I truly believe for the vast majority of people, they are not trying to hurt us.

I hope that perhaps in a way, this was helpful.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:39pm
100: Emoticon says:

GlowStix….. I remember my last two relationships one we were both employed, the next we were both unemployed.

IDK how to to deal with my CDs who make a whole lot of money when im broke LOL

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:27pm
101: MovingMagic says:

(((All sirens))) everyone of us has felt loss, fear, anxiety, & regret. Life is a place of learning.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:29pm
102: Emoticon says:

Money was never an issue in any of these….hmmm so why would i think that there would be any exchange of money otherwise????

HMMMM…..

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:29pm
103: sha-sha says:

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:56pm
104: Annie says:

Ty Indigo.

I hear what you are saying.
I do feel able to see it from their perspective, that they think I should be happy to be offered what I do not like.
They think my feelings are wrong, because they would not feel like that is those circumstances because they are not me. Or they believe they would not feel like that in those circumstances.
When actually on a couple of occasions when I have felt weary with it all I have done it back the them and they have felt exactly the same as I felt then when push came to shove and did not like it either one little bit.

It is when they keep offering the same over and over again, KNOWING that I do not want it. It isn’t like they do not know.

I suppose it just comes back to higher empathy again and development.
Not being able to see it though the other persons eyes.

It’s that you SHOULD be grateful, you SHOULDN”T feel stressed in those circumstances. Etc.

Although in my gut at times, It is like they get off on seeing my emotional pain.
Actually with one person I know this to be true, as I overheard them saying to another, you should have seen the look on her face it was priceless.
They deliberately set out to cause me emotional pain and got off on it wanting to see this.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:00am
105: Annie says:

And covertly tried to hide this from me with their words pretending they did not know it would cause me pain.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:02am
106: Tereana says:

It’s taken me soooo long to catch up on the blog. So, from the responses to my post(s) from two threads ago – thank you, ladies!

Dominique – Lol. “not boring.” Thank you. I appreciate that ; )

Thank you for the hugs, Iamabutterfly!

Starla – yay!

And Ruth – I’ll write you a separate response

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:28am
107: Tereana says:

Ruth, you asked me if I even want a relationship, and you said that I seem “self-contained.”

That’s very interesting, because you’re not the first person to observe that (you’re the second, actually ; ) It’s not something I ever thought of before. But when the other woman told me, I realized it’s true. It does tend to push away relationship to some degree, I believe. But still, my answer to your question is:

YES, I want a relationship. AND I am self-contained.

My stance at the moment is that this may not be the best time for me to be in a relationship (although, honestly, typing that feels cheap. How can I say that? How can it be “not the right time?” If now isn’t a good time – when is?). I’m a “hot mess” – that’s been the phrase on my mind all day…I got 99 problems and…well, you know….

So, basically, I don’t feel “fit” or “ready” for a relationship. (self-contained or not). But do I want one?

Oh yes. Oh, G-d yes. It’s so much deeper than want.

Every cell and minute particle of my body is crying out for relationship every minute of every day. If I seem self-contained, such that I don’t “need” a relationship, then that’s probably my ego covering up the parts of me that need it the most. But the need makes itself known, sideways, backwards and upside down. so….

Unzippering that shell, relaxing, and letting “me” come out – walking tall – that’s scary. But that’s what I’m here to learn how to do, so that I CAN be in a relationship. At least i hope. That’s why i’m still here….

Thanks!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:38am
108: Indigo says:

Annie 104

Not trying to invalidate your response here, because I have felt exactly the same as you are feeling, however perfect empathy is just simply not a human trait. Every person is seeing every experience through their own feelings and perspective.

I don’t believe they are getting off on your pain. No one but a sociopathic person does that. It took me a long while to realise that some people can see the same situation COMPLETELY differently than me.

And some people can continue to do hurtful things, knowing that it hurts us. It doesn’t mean they want to hurt us, it means that is the BEST they can do in that situation. I continue to ask D questions that irritate him and make him angry, even *knowing* that, hoping that one day he’ll see it from my perspective. It’s not perfect but hey, I’m just human.

My point was, seeing it through their eyes can help us not to be so hard on other people, and help you to disengage a bit (ie. this person is not *trying* to hurt me), and that feels a bit better for US.

Just my thoughts. Will say no more

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:53am
109: Annie says:

One person definitely did as I overheard them telling someone else that they felt good about seeing my distress.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:09am
110: Annie says:

I am not talking about perfect empathy.
I am taking about the highest level that is known of that not many people achieve. Most achieve middle level.
Just like any other skill. Higher level maths, physics, you name it.
If you don’t believe that, who am I to argue.
I accept your belief and feels best to agree to disagree as I do not want to argue.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:14am
111: Annie says:

Perhaps that one person was a sociopath?
I do not know.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:15am
112: Annie says:

or a misogynist.
Either way he did actually get pleasure from seeing my emotional distress.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:22am
113: BeLoved says:

Annie – the word that comes to mind is “sadistic”.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:45am
114: Memulo says:

Starla, you can do a blood test very early on, but taking a couple of standard pregnancy tests will pretty much give you the answer. It’s too early to freak out!!!! I may have missed part of the story, but can you take more standard tests?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:33am
115: ruth says:

107 Tereana

Thank you.I see
I guess when you have explored your own feelings a bit more then you might feel ready for relationship
Nothing at all wrong with being in a transition or healing period and not in a realtionship in the interim

There is no rush, is there

xxxxxx

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:48am
116: ruth says:

Linda, that realy sounds like you handled things well

Starla, I hope you get some answers soon

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:50am
117: Beloved says:

I feel relieved…
being honest and gentle with myself, I’m getting my priorities straight.
Canceling the massage scheduled in a couple of weeks and going to use the money instead for hiring someone to do my resume. I don’t want to deal with it and have been struggling with it for nearly TWO YEARS, it’s stupid and even though I used to be able to crank one out like breathing, my brain changed and I accept that and I’ll pass it off.
Which frees up so much energy in my mind!

Now I feel more capable of dealing with other stuff in my life…
skip the fast food and get some new clothes, instead.
Skip the lazy weekends and get a weekend job to bring in a little more $$.
Maybe get a job at Lane Bryant so I can upgrade my wardrobe, living in thrift-store hippiedom for the last decade has left my closet so threadbare. I tried and tried to be so cool like the fabulous creative people I know who can rock a thrift store fake fur, but I’m just not one of those people.
I wish I were and G0d knows I made myself insane trying to be…!
I accept that I’m not and open to the possibility of blossoming into more in the future.
Maybe this is my little ‘victim-of-circumstance vampire that can’t change’ aspect…
I accept my limitations and allow for the possibility of expansion.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:57am
118: Mercedes says:

Thank you Rori and Annie for acknowledging the pain. I appreciate that very much!

I’m soooooo excited about tonight ladies!!! J and I are going to look at lease options in an area I want to open my business! Yay! Touring lots of available options to begin the selection process for the most attractive and lucrative space available! So EXCITING!!! I can actually visualize the grand opening and I haven’t even selected a location or name yet. haha! (cart before the horse maybe…)

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:55am
119: Mercedes says:

Beloved: I absolutely LOVE this! It’s how I feel about me too!! “open to the possibility of blossoming into more in the future”

Always and forever growing and changing and learning and…well…blossoming!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:57am
120: Linda says:

Thanks Ruth. Somehow I got thru that …and stayed in touch myself thru the process and moments.

—–

I feel unsettled inside today. Actually I feel frustrated and angry. I have a lingering issue revolving around communication with FavoriteCD and I feel afraid to talk about it. Stuffing it is making me do flip flops inside. Everything seems to be headed in the direction I desire and that feels right and then a day where phone calls are not answered and text unreturned. It feels bad . I am facing white knuckled fear inside me when I try to figure out how and when to communicate this to him.

I have to get real and take care of this for me. I dont like the drama I have going on inside me about this. It

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:04am
121: Tam says:

Oh we are back to ‘happy clappy’.
Happy Days!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:12am
122: Beloved says:

Sirens, is this a 40-something hormonal thing?
Last night and this morning I’ve felt the overwhelming urge to HAVE a baby and nurse it.
I don’t want to raise a child, I’m just jonesing for a baby to hold and nurse…wtf??!!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:13am
123: Mercedes says:

Tam: Rori asked us to close the discussion on this subject and I can respect that (although I’m happy to discuss further on my blog or in private email if anyone has further questions about what I said or why I chose to judge and attack in my response).

I’m happier to focus on the good things going on in my life right now though…because I feel SOOOOOO excited about tonight!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:17am
124: Mercedes says:

Beloved: I never had that myself but I have heard of it. It sounds like a deep desire for bonding to me. Not so much having children but the nursing part just brings the word “bonding” to the front of my brain…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:20am
125: Beloved says:

Mercedes that fits, yes, thank you.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:28am
126: Bree says:

Hi,

And thanks Rori for a great post! I found this blog recently, I blog about relationships a lot myself as well.

My guy also proposed me but then the wedding just didn’t happen. We were engaged about 2,5 years before finally getting married. During that time I was ready to end the relationship many times. I probably would have done that if a new guy would have shown up because I stopped believing that he really wanted me.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:30am
127: ruth says:

120
Linda, I hear you
It can be so difficult when after a lot of good open communication, men suddenly withdraw as we are starting to expect even more contact
I keep trying to bring myself back to Dominiques wordss on this about how diffrerently men and women view communication and its timline

I can accept this on an intellectual level, but it feel so hard to do so emotionally

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:30am
128: Femininewoman says:

Interesting read.

1. A Man Wants Someone He Can Trust
Sounds simple right? Actually, what it means might be different from what you may think. It means a man wants someone that will remain loyal to him. It does not refer to monogamy, although that is certainly important, and a given.

A man measures trust by what a woman does when she has the chance to embarrass or to hurt him. After a man gives a woman his heart, he wonders what she will do with that power. Does she pay attention to the fact that he doesn’t like to be called certain names – even playfully? Has she observed that even though he likes to be the “life of the party,” he is actually pretty self conscious about what people think of him?

In his mind, as the woman in his life you will get to see a vulnerable side of him that others don’t. When he dates you, and especially when he marries you, he wants to know that your allegiance is to him. Even though he may deserve to be ridiculed at times, he wants to know you understand him so intimately that you can put him in his place (respectfully) with just a look. In his mind, this is very sexy.

2. Men crave a woman that is easy to please
Many individuals misunderstand this statement by assuming that a woman that is considered “easy to please” goes along with everything. Not true. It doesn’t matter if you have a tendency to be picky or to be carefree, as long as you don’t expect a man to read your mind. Remember, he is not one of your girlfriends, and even though there are times when it seems he can read your mind, those times are usually the exception, not the rule.

When you are pleased with something, don’t just express your pleasure verbally, include a positive emotional response as well (i.e., smile, hug him, laugh, etc.). Even though you may “tell him” what you like, that won’t have nearly the impact on him as it would if you expressed your delight by involving your emotions too. So, while you can convey your happiness or gratitude verbally, couple this with an emotional response, and notice the difference it will make.

3. It’s not your weight…
I can tell you from years of working with men, playing sports with men, as well as being a man, that men don’t obsess about a woman’s weight nearly as much as women do. Forget what you see on TV and in movies. What men notice is how a woman’s weight directly affects her outlook on life.

So why do men usually like thin women? Because when a woman feels great about her body, she glows. She dresses in order to draw attention to herself. Whereas women that are self conscious about their weight, often dress in a way that appears as though they are attempting to hide.

Remember this, when a man looks at you, he is hard wired to like your curves. Yes, I do know that some men won’t look at any woman that weighs more than 100 pounds (45 KG), but can you imagine being with that type of guy? Please trust me when I tell you that as a woman, you are designed in such a way that men can’t help but look at you. Please stop trying to be the perfect weight. The attitude and confidence a woman exhibits are what men notice more than what she actually weighs

Bob Grant

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:41am
129: Beloved says:

Contemplating the word “bonding” brings a flood of memories and emotions
I remember that I dreamed of my birthdaughter this morning, she’ll be 22 tomorrow. It was an open adoption and we are on each other’s FB but haven’t met up for a long time.
I was holding and holding and hugging her
I remember how I was bawling and asking, “where’s my baby? where’s my baby?” over and over, inconsolable, as I was coming out of anesthesia after the c-section and the nurse was a total b*tch, she intentionally slammed my bed against the doors and hallway walls…like…really? I’m the first disoriented woman to ever come out of general anesthesia wanting her baby?
I feel so much pain in my heart at how women can be towards each other.
I was 16 when I had my son and the nurses wouldn’t give me even Tylenol or help me get to the bathroom or tub or give me heat packs, I was talked down to and ignored until a friend’s mother came on duty and recognized me and helped me out.

Feeling into the desire and tears fall
thinking of the men who I felt bonded with in the past and how that brought out the crazy in me
and how it feels like it could be safe now
Under the pain, when I feel it
is a radiant joy
I feel it like a clear wave that dissolves the prickly places that feel like knives and the heavy places that feel like bricks
and my heart feels light again and oscillates
crying
smiling
crying
smiling
heavy
light
Resting…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:50am
130: Femininewoman says:

Indigo – I continue to ask D questions that irritate him and make him angry, even *knowing* that, hoping that one day he’ll see it from my perspective.

This can be experienced as disrespectful. It is assuming the convincer role so the man will naturally resist.

Something that I have experienced in the past and read about only yesterday. When you use your intuition you can tune in to your partner’s emotional state and adjust your communication to validate their feelings. Especially of it is something that you can identify with. For many men this like tuning in to their emotional frequency, so you can speak their language in a way that leave them feeling like you get them. At http://www.beirresistible.com they suggest that intuition is an important skill that women need to use with their men for more than one reason. I got the understanding that men unconsciously require and expect you to use it with them.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:53am
131: Mercedes says:

((((((((Beloved)))))))))

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:54am
132: Tam says:

((((Beloved))) somehow I feel very angry with these people who treated you like that.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:54am
133: Mel says:

Hey Linda,

I feel tingly reading about your story. What a nice experience you had meeting his dear little girl!

I actually feel sort of moved to share a story with you. It was a little over a year ago… Mr A and I had been dating several months and he felt it was time for me to meet the kids. It all went nicely and felt good. This was around the holiday season, and the very next day I left for 10 days on a trip to visit family over Christmas.

For the entire time I was gone, communication felt very sparse. At first I felt a little bothered by that, but I told myself that he’s probably just respecting my time with family and is likely busy doing a lot of visiting himself.

It felt strange not to hear from him several times a day… this felt out of the ordinary… and at times I wondered… “why?” I mean, I had just met his kids! Is he re-thinking things?

But I let it go, and enjoyed my time with my family. I responded to his brief occasional texts warmly and shared how happy I felt being with my loved ones.

When it came time for me to come home, I was even feeling slightly worried that he would not be at the airport to pick me up as planned (since I hadn’t heard from him in a couple days). I told my NVs to rest and said… even if that’s the case…. so what. You are perfectly capable of getting a cab.

As it turned out, he was there waiting for me… huge smile on his face… said he missed me soooooo much. He asked if I could please stay with him for the next while (we were both still on vacation). And pretty much since that day, we have been together. He asked me over every day for dinner and a sleepover, we were able to see each other when he had the kids (previously we did not see each other during those times), and he wanted me with him ‘always.’ We now live together.

I think that while we were apart, he was probably doing some regrouping…. thinking about how he felt…. dealing with those feelings in a guy sort of way…. Realizing how much he missed me and figuring out what he wanted to do about that. He needed that space to just “be.”

Or maybe not. I don’t really know. It could have been none of the above. But I do think that after intense moments, it is quite normal for guys to go a bit quiet for a while…

Anyways, I just thought I’d share.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:58am
134: Femininewoman says:

(((((((((((((((Beloved)))))))))))))))))) It was my first thought too after a C-section at my first child’s birth.

All that has happened since yesterday and a recent experience of a man asking me to be a surrogate (at my age) for him and his wife makes me appreciate babies and mothers so much more. I am here thinking of the miracle of birth. I also have a 40 year old friend who is finally pregnant after 9 years of longing.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:59am
135: GlowStix says:

FW Re: Bob Grant

Amen amen AMEN!!!!!

As an example of the trust topic: From a man whos gf had sex with someone else in a bush at a party at their house.

His own words “I could have gotten past that. She was drinking, and we were on the rocks. What I couldn’t get past is that I felt humiliated in front of everyone there. When I just wanted to clear the house of people, and talk, she told me in front of everyone that I was ruining the party and she left with her friends. It felt like I could never get past that.”

On the body topic: This is so true. It is our comfort in our own skin. And someone comfortable in their own skin (myself) doesn’t really give much thought to those people who only admire “thin”. They are not a potential interest of mine, so their views are of little value to me, positively, or negatively. They just “exist” *shrug*. Barely, at that. I suppose they aren’t noticing me, therefore i’m not noticing them

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:32am
136: Mercedes says:

GlowStix (and Bob…lol)…I completely agree. A woman who is confident and comfortable in her own skin is what most men (and women for that matter) find attractive. Those that find something else attractive…well…whatever…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:38am
137: Dominique says:

BeLoved – 117 – “I tried and tried to be so cool like the fabulous creative people I know who can rock a thrift store fake fur, but I’m just not one of those people.”

Says who? How do you know this is true? ANYONE can rock a thrift store fake fur, anyone. And this mean YOU too.

xxoo

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:40am
138: GlowStix says:

((((((((((beloved)))))))))))

It feels scary, and saddening to know you were treated in this way

My gramma was pregnant with twins when her husband sent her into early labour, by beating her up. One was born still, and one died a day later. She never got to hold him, or even see him. She did not get to name him or witness the baptism. Her uncle “handled” it all. She did not even know that he “Anthony” was buried. She just found this out 2 years ago…Some 55 years later.

When she wanted to leave her husband (she was only 19 at that time, and he was not only physically abusive, but also sexually disturbed. Having been caught masterbating in front of their 2 toddler children being the reason he beat her up) her father/mother would not help her. She packed her things with my aunt (3) and my mom (2) and took up in a motel room.

It feels so wrong, the way women have been treated in this world.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:41am
139: Dominique says:

BeLoved – 128 – <3

xxoo

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:43am
140: GlowStix says:

I just simply can not even fathom how emotionally painful such experiences would be. And I admire the strength and perseverance of every woman who has ever walked through such things.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:50am
141: Linda says:

HEY

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:50am
142: Indigo says:

Annie

I am truly sorry for your pain.

Anyone who delights in causing you pain should be given a wide berth.

(((((Annie)))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:56am
143: Indigo says:

Feminine Woman 129

I know he experiences it as disrespectful, and disrespectful is the very last thing in the world that I intend to be.

I don’t know how to reconcile the need to know from the strong voices in my soul, my need for things to be safe, my need for security and to know where I stand, with his wish not to talk about things.

I wish I knew the way, and then I would beat myself up because I hated causing him any stress whatsoever.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:59am
144: Rori Raye says:

Bree – I deleted your lst name for your privacy, and yayy for the new guy, and BRAVA for YOU! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:10am
145: Annie says:

((((((((((BeLoved))))))))))))
I feel so sickened and saddened reading about such an inhumane act.
“I feel so much pain in my heart at how women can be towards each other.”

I feel synchronized with you.
Has to be one of the most inhumane acts that a person/ woman or man can do to another woman.

I feel outraged .
I would support anyone who wanted to stop this happening.
It feels so awful to me.
It still goes on today.
So very awful.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:18am
146: Annie says:

Ty Indigo.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:24am
147: Emoticon says:

((((((Glowstix grandmom)))))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:29am
148: Linda says:

Hi Mel

Your story is so great to read.

FavoriteCD does definately has exhibited patterns of which you described. I have worked thru the issues I had about neediness and reassurance really and have let that go. THis is yet a deeper layer and really about me and fear that is related to what I have experienced with two other men in my life.

I a relationship I was alll in with. He was too I thought… gave every indication of that for 1 1/2 years anyway. Then POOF. He just disappeared took his clothes, had secretly TOOK his apartment key off my key ring and ignored my calls, texts.. etc. Typing this and its memory makes my heart race and anxious. I never expected anything like that to ever happen.

My latest relationship… Geeze I dont even want to go there. Suffice it to say communication is important to me and I have bad experiences with it. Sooooo

I know where the fear comes from. Logically things that dominique and others have helped me see fit too.. I still have the deeper one that has the emotion attached to it.

Internal drama… not his stuff.. but he triggers it… Add in that I just like communication and there you have mess to work thru.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:32am
149: Femininewoman says:

((((((((((((Indigo))))))))))))))))

I guess if we all knew the way we might not have come to the blog in the first place. What I assumed was that “HE” did not want to be there so no matter what you did or said would change his mind. Or his feeling. Rori encourges women to ask themselves “why am I here”?

Those deep needs are valid. We all want to feel secure and solid when we are in a relationship. Who knows, maybe that could have been your higher self showing you that this man might not be capable or willing to help with those needs?

Him not wanting to talk is him showing you where he is at and what he wants in his life. The needs could have represented too much pressure than he was willing to deal with. The thing is what will you choose for yourself in these circumstances (I know. Not easy)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:33am
150: Beloved says:

I feel grateful for the support
one thing I know is that I sincerely love everyone who has ever harmed me.
I know I have harmed others, in my ignorance and even on purpose sometimes for reasons I understand and sometimes don’t.
I’m learning to love and accept my human nature.
The more I sink into my feelings and really feel them all the way through,
the greater my capacity to feel and integrate them.
I can literally feel those old feelings of pain moving into my heart and transforming into light and laughter,
the way water becomes steam.
Emotional alchemy.
Some things I thought I would never ever ever get over,
now seem almost like they happened to someone else.
It feels like forgiveness.
I used to think that if I let go of memories and pain, that I would be doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past,
but hanging on to them only made me more likely to do the same thing over and over.
Letting go and putting each memory and feeling in it’s place makes my heart stronger and grows my ability to be kind, compassionate, and
humbly dignified
ooooh, liking that
Dignity

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:37am
151: Turquoise says:

Hi Sirens,

Looks like I missed some heated discussion. Starla, I hope you feel you’ll still get the support you need here, and that everything will be ok.

Mercedes, not sure what happened, but it is a serious topic and I understand any pain you may have around it. Or any other sirens.

(((((sirens)))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:58am
152: GlowStix says:

Emoticon

You are so incredible and I have so much love for you girl

I’m sure gram would thank you for the embrace!
She is the most stand up woman I know in this world and I have the deepest possible respect and love for her. It feels difficult to get close to her sometimes. ((((her))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:16am
153: Mercedes says:

Thank you Turquoise! Muah!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:19am
154: GlowStix says:

Wow, what a flood of emotion over here. Tears and big bubbling chest feelings.

I was contemplating how I wrote “respect” before “love” and how it says a lot about how I feel. I feel equal parts respect and love yet somehow the respect comes, before the love, from me, with her.

And then I was just existing at that time, in her skin. It feels overwhelming.

I can feel close to her in this way, and in return perhaps she will feel closer to me.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:23am
155: Femininewoman says:

Rori

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Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:24am
156: Femininewoman says:

Welcome Bree

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:26am
157: Emoticon says:

women are such strong people.

everyone has a struggle, yet still we rise. hmmmm

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:26am
158: Femininewoman says:

It’s no secret. Confidence helps in the dating world. If you feel confident about how you look, you will be more playful and relaxed and attractive. If you feel confident about your value as a human being, you will bring warmth and genuine presence to your interactions with men.

What if you have low self-confidence about your appearance or your personal value? Does it help to repeat affirmations like, “I am radiant and beautiful?”

The short answer is no. If you do not already feel beautiful, saying you do just brings your focus to something that decreases your confidence (while simultaneously lowering your mood).

On the other hand, if you affirm things you already like about yourself, you can bolster your confidence. Think of affirmations as personal reminders to focus your mind on something that makes you feel more confident.

For example, if you don’t feel beautiful compared to other women, saying you are beautiful makes you feel like a liar trying to pretend to be something you don’t really believe you are. But if you are funny and you know it, an affirmation like, “Anyone can enjoy my company because I will make them laugh,” is a good affirmation.

Reminding yourself of your qualities just before you walk into a social environment can reconnect your thoughts with your positive qualities, thereby generating more confidence and a feeling of self-worth that will help you attract the right guys and say no to the wrong ones.

James Bauer

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:29am
159: Annie says:

Indigo from last thread.

715:

Hi Heart

“That’s the thing, we *are* broken up. We were in a relationship, and it ended.

We stayed in a sort of limbo for a little while afterwards, where we kissed and cuddled and spent time together. And then he suggested we take a break to properly heal, and then he said he would re-look at the relationship after 6 months.

The break itself doesn’t feel bad to me. It feels like a relief, it feels like what needs to happen. It’s the confusing feelings I feel while we’re *on* the break that are exhausting to me. Like him contacting me every day, and him going out and befriending other women. It’s totally draining to think about.

I think I need a bit of distance.”

Up to now, you did what you felt was right, but now you know better and must date – just as he is. Leave him alone. Let him work this out – and let him MISS you. You’ve just been so THERE for him, so loyal, even though he wasn’t available – you must end that NOW.

You must DATE him, and date others, too. Love, Rori

And when I emailed her back, with this answer and asking for permission to answer her letter here, she followed up with this:

“One last thing I wanted to add Rori- for the last few weeks I actually HAVE been leaving him alone and giving him his space… I told him I am going to date too. (it has been about 3 weeks) And he said ok we will both do our thing for a little while and date and he keeps contacting me and telling me things like “I’m excited to get back together in a few months”… and “I cant wait till we are back in full swing” etc etc.

I actually HAVE been getting out there and he senses it, so he is literally texting me EVERY night asking me what I am up to, who I’m going out with etc etc. He contacts me 10 times a day to still write “cutesy” messages, to try to find out what I’m doing, and to let me know that he is already getting tired of the dating. But on the other hand he is still not telling me “I miss you, lets get back together” etc. He still wants to have his cake and eat it too. He still wants to keep living this “single life” and try the dating scene but he wants to also keep tabs on me and communicate with me every day.

Another question I had is: What do I do when he contacts me everyday? Should I just IGNORE HIM? He literally sends me 10 texts a day. DO I ignore him altogether?”

And here’s more answer from me:

I’m going to talk to all of us from here…

Why do you suppose he’s calling and texting Sara so much?

Is it because he “loves” her?

Is it because she’s his “anchor”? His “friend”?

Is it because he doesn’t want to “lose her”?

If I were Derek – I’d do exactly the same thing. I’d date. I’d sleep around. I’d have a high old time and get some experience and variety and see what’s out in the world. And I’d pray the man standing by me would hold fast and wait for me.

It’d feel stressful and yet liberating. Having that man there to call and text would make me feel steadier.

Let’s say the man “makes a show” of “getting out there” and “being okay” – but I know he’s not.

Now – when I’m “done” sleeping around and experimenting – what’s going to happen for me?

Am I going to want to return to the “true blue” man who’s been waiting patiently for me, loving me?

Am I going to meet another man who’s more exciting for me – perhaps a man completely out of my comfort zone because not only am I free from the husband I escaped from, I’ve discovered so much about myself I didn’t know, and discovered that I have different needs and wants and desires than I thought I had?

Or am I going to burn out from fear and boredom and come to my senses and realize the waiting man is the one for me?

And the answer is – it’s different for a man than it is for a woman. Because I’m a woman – there are all kinds of variables here: Do I want children, do I want to settle down? Is he a good provider, a good man? Do I feel good about myself when I’m with him?

But for a man – it’s different. The answer all depends on one thing – It all depends on the level of attraction I’m feeling.

So the answer for Sara is to inspire in him the most intense attraction possible for her – and at the same time, to build up her self-esteem so that she doesn’t NEED him to be attracted to her.

And the action steps for those two things are the same! Because – the more Sara builds up her self-esteem and love for herself, the more she stops beating herself up over the last 4 years and creates a rockin’ good life for herself – FAST, NOW, this MINUTE – the more attraction she will create around her.

So – back to us women in Derek’s shoes.

What if the “true blue” man who’s in love with me and waiting for me (even though he might be trying to show me that he’s NOT waiting for me) cuts off communication and contact? What if he disappears from me? Starts REALLY dating another woman – or tons of women, and stops taking my calls – or returned maybe a text every couple of days saying something like – “I feel good…things are great here…” – perhaps just because he’s BUSY, and because it doesn’t feel good in his gut to be emotionally distracted by all my calls and texts?

Well – that would make me feel anxious, right? It would make me want to call him even more…to cling to the stability he gives me by waiting around and loving me. That would make him look different to me. That would create more attraction. More interest.

BUT – would it make me drop all my experimenting and go sign up for a wedding with him?

Depends. I’m a girl. Girls are very different from boys. Sara is very different from Derek.

If I were truly “in love” with the waiting guy – I’d be done experimenting in about 2 seconds. If you want to be with someone, you want to be with someone. But his “waitingness” would dampen my enthusiasm.

I remember that in college, there was a boy who loved me. He wanted me, wanted to marry me – but I just wasn’t there. He didn’t light my fire – I needed to see the world, feel passion…(and now – I see that I so needed to do that – even the heart-breaking parts…). And after college, he went away to law school. He was in pain, because it was the college that took him, but he wanted me to be with him. And he knew I wasn’t going to marry him and travel there with him.

We did see each other occasionally after that, when he’d come home…but then I met another man (a man I write about a lot), and that was the end of his hopes.

The thing was – there was a time when I was very “into” that boy. It was at the beginning – when I was a freshman, and he took me out and I was TOTALLY into him. And then he dumped me, cold. He started dating my sorority sister, and it was icky, and I moved on to other boys…and then…he wanted me back. And there was nothing there for me. I dated him, I did – seriously – for my whole senior year, hoping that feeling of being into him would come back to me – but it never did. I’m not sure than anything he could have done would have re-created that feeling for me.

Real life with him was way different than the wide-eyed idea of him I’d had at the beginning.

And yet – my TRULY forgetting about him and having a fabulous college life and a new boyfriend – even though he was always around in my world – caught his interest and made him come for me – full bore – again.

I can’t promise, you, Sarah that Derek will revive his interest in you.

I can promise you, however, that every moment you WAIT for him – EMOTIONALLY – and there is a big difference between “getting out there” for show and really, emotionally being available to other men – you dampen his feelings of attraction.

Derek’s enthusiasm for you is already being dampened by your eagerness to have him. He knows you’re just “dating” because he is – and he KNOWS you’re not serious about it.

He KNOWS it’s HIM you want. He’s a good guy – and mostly – he’s trying to avoid hurting you, but he KNOWS he’s hurting you – and so he’s soft-soaping you and doing everything he can to keep things AS THEY ARE. He’s doing everything he can to keep CONTROL of this situation – and of YOU.

So. You have to take control of yourself. Take his perception that he has control over your heart away from him.

DON’T LET him “keep tabs” on you. Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.

End the perception that you are HIS.

Instead – be YOURS. Let your heart belong to YOU.

Do NOT answer his questions about what “you’re doing.” And about dating:

This is serious. You have to not only “get out there” – you have to start KISSING other men. You have to imagine that this relationship with Derek is OVER and you’re starting fresh. I’d consider taking an actual lover. Yes, a man you sleep with and have sex with. Make sure he’s a good guy who ADORES you. And just consider it.

IF you could date Derek, TOO – without getting weird and uncomfortable and talking about the relationship, that would be amazing. If you could practice being open with him, and not closing off because of these other women – you’d do yourself a world of good – But it’s very, very challenging to do that. You have to be a rock-solid rock star, with tons of men revolving around you, tons of options, and a total sense of your diva-ness.

This is like “The Bachelor.” The women on the show have an understandably hard time opening up to a man who’s actively dating, hugging, kissing, getting emotionally intimate with other women they actually LIVE with – even though they’ve only known him for a short time. How on earth could you be “cool” under these same circumstances with a man you’ve known for a long time and love?

Is that possible for you?

It wouldn’t be for me. I know, in the past, in my old days – I would have tried to make this work. I would have acted my ass off and pretended to make it okay. I would have REFINED my “waiting” to make it look like I was “cool.” But my heart would hurt. There is no way to feel somewhere out in left field in a situation like this.

And every time you see him and he sees you, you’re going to feel pressured to be “cool” and yet “open” and using Feeling Messages, and he’s going to feel pressured somehow.

Dating a man who’s still interested in dating other women is always a bad thing.

Sara – I want you to Circular Date, and I want you to promise me that your life will start anew this second. Forget about the past. At this point, Derek is a man who’s texting you a lot. Ignoring him is a wonderful idea. How about you treat him like some boy who’s chasing after you in some weird way – like a fly – and just take your attention off of him. Do what you need to do to stay “cool.” Do what you need to do to make yourself available for other men.

And Derek will either show up or he won’t. I’m holding the space for you to have what you want – whether it’s in the form of Derek or not – so – put your Happy Ever After in front of your mind’s eye instead of a picture of Derek.

In my story of the college boy who loved me – the thing that stands out to me, and that I consider the rock foundation of much of my work is this: I was TOTALLY into that boy. I was devastated when he stopped calling, dumped me, and starting dating a woman who was my sorority sister, my friend, my roomate. It was always in my face, what had happened. But, when I TRULY went past it, and got a LIFE, and he came back for me – the person who’d lost interest was ME.

I was no longer “into him.”

And this is what I wish for you, Sara, and for all women who’re finding themselves in this situation. No pain. Just boredom. And “Next….”

We’re all pulling for you. You can DO this..

Love, Rori

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:39am
160: Indigo says:

Annie

Thanks for posting this. This was EXTREMELY helpful.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:04am
161: Indigo says:

Feminine Woman

Thank you so much for the hugs.

And thank you so much for the suggestion that this could be my higher self trying to tell me that he can’t or won’t help with those needs. I think I forget when I’m beating myself up that there is a higher wisdom here. Thank you, your suggestion feels very wise.

This could be my higher self calling my attention very urgently to an insecure situation. Showing me that this isn’t really a safe place to invest myself right now. What a beautiful and wise thing our emotions are.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:10am
162: GlowStix says:

158

This doesn’t feel in harmony with what I did to bolster my self confidence.

Ok, I *first* had to change my beliefs surroundig what encompasses beauty. Then I was able to believe myself when I say “I am beautiful”. What is beauty to me? Light and love and emotion and differences. The human condition. I had to believe that straight up appearance can literally change depending on how we feel inside. If not body “shape and size”, the aura and energy of the body changes when we love ourselves as beautiful AS WE ARE. And in turn the onserver can literally see us completely differently. We often forget that the human eye is connected to a miraculous and complex brain ruled by senses and emotion.
The brain senses beauty in an all encompassing and emotional way. It is not just a visual picture with zero life behind it.

When I hated my body and thought I was not beautiful all I ever did was affirm how great I was in every other way BUT physical beauty, and that just loomed like a big dark grey “BUT”. It did nothing for my vibrancy.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:15am
163: GlowStix says:

Mustn’t leave out that I, myself, am also an observer of myself and I see myself completely differently. Even in old pictures. New pictures. Mirror. Mind. In every way I can see myself, I look like a completely different person than what I used to see.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:17am
164: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Rori this is really awesome stuff and I am probably definitely at Liberty to say I am a proud product of this exact advice ur giving Sara. Men and women are different yet still have some of the same needs. Men live confidence if u love ur voluptuous curves so will he. He will be more attracted to that than the skinny boney chick that is self conscious of her flat bootie. Or even if it is the other way around truthfully it is a win win a man that truly loves you for you good and bad is not going anywhere easily. But u have to love yourself first and share or show the essence of who u are and what makes u so confident. Its not that I am better than anyone but wierd as it sounds I do not ever look at woman and wish I could be anyone else but me. My curves and my expression of my hairstyles and clothes is how I feel at that moment. Its me and I live that girl with all her imperfections. She is unique, I wouldn’t choose anyone else because she is an amazing woman. Strong and beautiful I make women jealous not because of how I look but how I carry my attitude. Comfortable with me not jealous nor paying attention to u or bad mouthing u to make myself feel better. I acknowledge u and stand above u not because I am better but because my focus is where it should be not putting others down or judgment being passed. Trying to find my comfort in a crowded room because comfort is within me. I love who I am and it shows I am focusing on how I run my fingers through my hair and laugh with no restrictions. I am just being me, confident,beautiful, and having a great time. The feeling is unexplainable,noone is a comparison and no one makes u feel your not enough because you already know yourself…you got the it factor and it is not something anyone can figure out it is just something about this girl that radiates and have not just men but women too wonder what is it about her. Just saying feels good sirens…really good.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:20am
165: GlowStix says:

Never would I have ever believed I would get to the place where a man can come up behind me, grab 2 big handfuls of my belly and *shake* and all I feel is giggly and receiving affection. mmm it’s kind of glorious!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:26am
166: Emoticon says:

I never thought I would let a man put his face between my legs…… felt so self conscious about it.

But hey, we judge ourselves a lot harsher than others judge us.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:29am
167: ruth says:

I wold love to be in such a place.Seems impossible for me to get there

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:35am
168: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Now the part I struggle with is actually letting someone into my heart and let them no this amazing woman because I struggle with being so vulnerable. I feel it is weakness for one to prey on and that scares me

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:35am
169: GlowStix says:

Emoticon

Yep! That’s for sure. And i’m finding that others can definitely only harsh upon us, what we harsh upon ourselves. It is not possible otherwise. Someone could call me “fat”…I just simply wouldn’t believe them lol Moreso, I would feel shocked, remove myself immediately and wonder what kind of pain they are buttering over by putting me down.

Just as a hypothetical.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:36am
170: GlowStix says:

((((ruth))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:38am
171: GlowStix says:

Ruth

I see you, and believe in you! You know I think your smokin’ and also cute and beautiful. I believe you can get to where you feel these things for real. <3

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:42am
172: Indigo says:

GlowStix 162

I loved your post. I remember the moment when I started to think of myself as beautiful. It was when I realised that the people *I* thought of as beautiful, were always people who had something unusual about them, or some endearing quirk, and not people who were classically beautiful.

I realised that the people I would want to be around, whose opinion would matter to me, would be the kind of people who would love the unusual and unique. I started imagining the person who would be taken by the little mole under my eye, or who would find my slanting jawline to be just right, and my feeling of beauty grew from there.

It was a pretty cool feeling

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:48am
173: Iamabutterfly says:

@164 R.N. Amazing Me – Wow, I feel so warm, inspired, awestruck, and tingly reading that! Thank you for loving yourself so much, and inspiring us all to do the same!

((((ruth)))) – I feel so confident that you will get there. You are absolutely wonderful and encourage me so much when I’m feeling icky and questioning things!

Me? I feel so humbled and warm and full of awe. I feel curious and thankful and so good today!

Feels good just to read and not have any venting or masculine energy thinking to do.

I just feel peaceful. Feels great.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:49am
174: GlowStix says:

(((indigo)))

Feels awesome to read! And just exactly how I feel.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:51am
175: Emoticon says:

((((((((ruth)))))))))

ur the lady with the goddess rockin body

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:02am
176: ruth says:

Glowstix

How??
I am almost 48 and have had low self esteeem most of my life, ESP about how I look(and ive been skeleltal, fat, thin -ish and currently in the middle now)

Just -HOW do you actualy believe it

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:03am
177: GlowStix says:

Ruth

Because I believe the only thing holding anyone back is there own resistance and once a person is aware, it is far more difficult to go backwards, than to go forwards. I can see, from your words it’s something you desire, and are aware of. I know you may not believe it, but I do, and I desired to put that out there.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:14am
178: ruth says:

thank you for the nice words ladies
xx

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:15am
179: GlowStix says:

I just believe it. I feel it, I see it, I believe it.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:15am
180: GlowStix says:

(((ruth)))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:16am
181: GlowStix says:

It felt important for me to do as much, if not more, work on my resistances to acheiving my desires, as work on actually acheiving them.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:17am
182: ruth says:

glowstix, well, yes
but how to believe it really?
Fake it till you make it , well, it doesnt work for me
I do make an effort, wear fitted clothes and nice jewellery and stuff but its harder and harder to see the point

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:21am
183: GlowStix says:

Sometimes I even find, if I successfully move through and remove a resistance, I just suddenly am “there”. Though it’s more rare. Usually I have to move towards that place after the resistance is gone. Sometimes it all takes minutes, or hours, or a day, or in the grand scheme of some things, years.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:22am
184: GlowStix says:

I used to think “fake it till you make it” but not anymore. It helped me somewhat for some things…Solid committment to myself and my process is where the money is at. Perhaps dreamily “convincing” myself on a regular basis. I see no harm in that either…It keeps me in a good space and gold energy.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:24am
185: GlowStix says:

Good, gold, same isht!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:25am
186: Emoticon says:

Ruth, its all in the mind.

A lot of people want to be skinny…. like model stick figure skinny….. this is what Ive been my entire life and believe it or not i managed to cry about it all the time.

I went from one extreme to the next. I have been the SAME SIZE my whole life but my MIND went from one extreme to the next. First i kept working out and was obsessed with dieting…. this started from really young (like 3 – i blame television) ….. then u started having school friends make fun of how skinny I was. This is from abt 6 to now…. Im 22 now and they STILL do it….. girls made me feel like less of a female because i didnt have boobs yet….. etc.

My mother always told me it would come and when it did mine might even be bigger than some of there’s and that boobs are not what makes you a woman. And it happened…. just like my mother said.

But thats not what made me realize that I was just fine being skinny as I was…. slowly I started shopping for my own clothes and getting stuff i FELT good in and that made me feel a little better

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:25am
187: ruth says:

I dont understand

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:26am
188: Emoticon says:

I still remember things that my friends said that I believed and that made me cry…..

But i guess i eventually stopped believing them.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:28am
189: ruth says:

that was to glowstix

Emoticon,I have been very thin and very fat, and made myself sick and all sorts
Curently moderately overweight and pretty healthy and fit

but yep, it is all in the mind
Agreed
But how to fix that
How?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:29am
190: ruth says:

what people say doesnt even register wth me any more

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:30am
191: GlowStix says:

Ruth you’re gonna get me going all day

I don’t know if it’s a big secret but every word I write here, on FB, in my journal…Every word is aimed at furthering and deepening my beliefs. When words come out that seem not to serve that I will read and re-read and re-phrase and re-frame them in my mind to rectify that. Un-wavering commitment.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:32am
192: GlowStix says:

I know ruth

I can’t find better ways to define my process…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:33am
193: Emoticon says:

Ruth

So maybe it is just what you’re telling yourself. What are you telling yourself? Maybe if you can prove to yourself that it is not so, you wont tell yourself that anymore??

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:36am
194: GlowStix says:

I wanted so badly to get to where I was at a year ago…I just found ways to do it, that worked for me. Then when I was there, I found more and more and more stuff to walk through and flip and re-frame and I’ve just pretty much been finding any possible way that feels right, this whole time.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:36am
195: Emoticon says:

And Yes, you are very fit …. thats a very good point and maybe if we can start focusing on how fit you are and how good you feel when you go running….. there will be more things popping up in our heads to feel good about, like how smart you are, or how many people you help in ur daily work activities etc. And then even more things will show up to feel good about….and so on and so forth

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:38am
196: ruth says:

Guess I am not on the same path or even the same planet as you Glowstix

would sure like to be

Feeling rather envious, and also rather hopeles
But.thats not your issue.Its mine

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:39am
197: GlowStix says:

(((ruth)))

You’ve got your very own planet to grow luscious gardens!

It’s funny I do kind of feel like i’m trying to hurl seeds through space, and without even knowing if they will take, or thrive in the soils of your planet.

I really like you, and I feel urgent to surround you with beautiful thoughts and adorations.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:42am
198: ruth says:

ha h Emoticon
Every run is a struggle for me, and in my marathon running I meet people who have run across america

it s not biggie that I run 40 maras a year LOL

Im not fast

as for work, we are all docs, we all help people
I have a few more pts talk to me and ask to se just me, but you cant put your self esteeem in that.Ddid it for years and -when you dont work, well, what do you do

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:42am
199: GlowStix says:

(((emoticon)))

Something you once said about watering the wildflowers, and not the weeds gave me an enormous boost! And like I told dominique in the other thread, those words are a part of my foundation. <3

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:45am
200: ruth says:

anywya, enough of my misery on here

there is loads more positive stuff we should be celebrating

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:45am
201: Emoticon says:

Well Ruthie,

Some people (like me) do not run a single marathon a year…. so no bragging rights there, but u can brag about all 40 that you do.

Some people will never get through med school even after they get in and try and try, some people will never get into medschool

Some people will never even graduate high school. So everything you have done, you have some bragging rights because you accomplished something and youre doing well.

I guess its really not about who is doing more or less than you are but about what you are doing…. Do you love running? Do you love your job? etc

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:47am
202: MovingMagic says:

Yummm. I love this subject! Self love is so, so huge. Self love feels warm, soft, & comforting. Self love feels right, like a warm embrace. Self love feels the way warm spices taste…flavorful, exotic, & filling.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:47am
203: Emoticon says:

Yep Glowstix, i totally feel like its what we choose to focus on that grows.

I try to find whats good about the situation im in. It helps me to stay sane…. and HAPPY

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:49am
204: GlowStix says:

Emoticon

You got a point!!

And I also know well that “achievements” can feel like restraints, or similar and possibly because they do go against our true feelings. I don’t really know…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:51am
205: Mercedes says:

Ruth: For what it’s worth, I didn’t think the “fake it til you make it” thing was working for me either but for some reason I kept doing it and kept meditating and visualizing on it and eventually (after months and then continuing on…), what I thought “wasn’t working” actually was. To the point where I really, really love myself and my life.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:53am
206: GlowStix says:

203

Big time! I think I posted something earlier in this thread about focusing on positive and shrinking negative….

Yes. Post #7.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:53am
207: GlowStix says:

(((movingmagic)))

Beautiful! And I still lurve the way you write. So glowy and warm.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:54am
208: GlowStix says:

mmmm spicy-ness! I like that.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:55am
209: ruth says:

I dont know either
I do know “acheivements” have not a lot to do with self love

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:55am
210: Emoticon says:

MovingMagic ….. i learned a lot more self love after doing Rori’s “yummy pie” tool over and over.

I used to hate the fact that guys would obsess over me. Never realized it was a good thing, Never appreciated that these guys just loved me. I felt disgusted. I felt disgusting.

My cousins used to call me a “zobie-magnet” (zobie being the word we used for vagrant or homeless person)

But i mean yes i had homeless guys follow me and stalk me and one even came up to me early one morning when I was the only one at school and started masturbating in front of me.
BUT I also had a lot of nice guys like me too, so maybe im not disgusting. ha

I had a CD tell me one night “what are you doing to these guys, guys dont ever just like you, they are always obsessed” And for once i didnt think of all the crazy homeless people and guys on drugs who followed me around town harassing me….. I was thinking of all the sweet guys writing me love notes etc.
Im yummy pie, thats why gys get hooked…. Im the freaking yummy pie no need to feel guilty about it. Im just yummy and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. I will attract little kids who like pie, I will attract lady friends who like pie. I will attract grown men who like pie and yes…. i will attract flies too…. they like pie lol

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:56am
211: Femininewoman says:

Ruth this might be off base here but do you cdate or date any of the men you run or compete with? I am thinking about something I recently read about propinquity.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:57am
212: Emoticon says:

Not really the achievements Ruth…. but how you felt about it after…. how you feel about urself after accomplishing something.

Because when ur in ur 20s, getting all correct on ur spelling tests 15 years ago feels like “ok big deal” but im sure it felt good the moment it happened and that feeling is what good self esteem stems from, we just need to keep focusing on all the little good feeling feelings

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:59am
213: GlowStix says:

209 ruth

You’re right too. If we really love our achievements, they could be a good and positive place to focus, for a start. But if it doesn’t feel that way to a person, it ain’t gonna work.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:00pm
214: GlowStix says:

210 emoticon

lmao!! You rock. “Flies” omg. Cracking up!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:02pm
215: Emoticon says:

LOL @ Glowstix

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:07pm
216: ruth says:

211

FW
yes, one or two
much better runners than me but very supportive of my efforts really

but this is more about me sorting my head out

what did you have in mind

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:07pm
217: Emoticon says:

Gosh, feels good to be back on the blog….

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:07pm
218: GlowStix says:

217

I second that and move to stick around

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:09pm
219: MovingMagic says:

I used to wear a shirt that said “Spice is nice”. I hand wrote the letters (I dabbled in graffiti in my younger days). I wasn’t even aware of my spiciness at the time. Yes, we are all yummy pies. Filled with flavor, texture, layers, fragrances, & amazingness. Only the lucky ones get to taste this pie.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:11pm
220: Femininewoman says:

I will then be opening lines for questions. Ask me ANYTHING. You can remain anonymous if you feel more comfortable.

The call will run for around 30 minutes and will be tomorrow – Tuesday, February 4th at 5:30 western time, 8:30 eastern

Dial in # – 1-862-902-0100

Conference Code – 157203

Dominique

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:12pm
221: Femininewoman says:

RE 216 Ruth I was focussed on your self esteem. I believe if you flirt shamelessly with men who have similar interests it might get you to realize that you are actually hot and that there are other men out there who are interested.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:15pm
222: Femininewoman says:

Ruth I believe it is a biggie that you run. I wish I could at least *lumber* around a track on a regular basis.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:17pm
223: ruth says:

212
Emoticon, just did what I had to do to get to the top of my career

thats all
i did it, and thats all

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:17pm
224: Femininewoman says:

How do you believe it? I stood in front of a mirror and talked to myself. I still do it. When I started I actually cringed because I thought I was so ugly. I was shocked at my reaction and ended up crying. Yet I kept pushing through and was able to push past myself to the point where I am always looking for a mirror to tell myself that I am beautiful. Funny enough it seemed that my *looks* morphed to the point where I now believe myself.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:20pm
225: ruth says:

221
Oh! I see FW

well, I get some attention that way yes, but i dont believe it in myself

comes down to me, and I shouldnt need male approval anyway, no?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:21pm
226: Femininewoman says:

Ruth pat yourself on the back for doing it. You know how many others dropped out?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:21pm
227: Femininewoman says:

It is not a matter of needing It is just about using something that works.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:22pm
228: ruth says:

and if I can run, anyone can!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:23pm
229: Femininewoman says:

I love to think “eat your heart out” “you can look but can’t touch”. I know I am hot.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:23pm
230: Emoticon says:

Ruth…. and you accomplished that…. you could have done a lot of stuff wrong, but you did so much stuff right to get you to where you are at today!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
231: Femininewoman says:

Ruth I used to. I now have spurs on my heels and one on my right hip. Sometimes I lumber like an old cow and at other times I limp. When I go to therapy it all goes away for a while so “I shake what my mamma gave me”.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:25pm
232: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Yeah much respect running and I do not mesh well you should be really proud;)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
233: ruth says:

FW they DONT drop out in my circles
They are nut fruit loops!
The day after tomorrow i line up to do 4 marathons in 4 days with a load of other people
We will all finish
some faster than others
(I shal of course be near the back)
Have to say that runners are a frisky lot, but as mot of them are attached its all talk

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:32pm
234: Beloved says:

137
Dominique – I’m hearing you and deleted the post I started to respond with listing all of my limitations and the reasons why!!!

I’m feeling so scared, waves of fear.
I noticed a lot of thoughts and images today of giving up and settling for a nice, steady profession like being a pro admin assistant forever or accounting…
That’s my “child of an alcoholic” reacting…
safety issues
things are ambiguous at work
and I’m feeling stone cold fear in my belly at the thought of doing my playshops
The need for consistency and predictability is so entrenched.
She/I feel distressed…waves and waves

I was listening to Bill Harris last week and he mentioned that as we change, stuff will come up because all those old maps of reality were put in place to maintain SAFETY…
so this may be what’s going on, I’m not sure
and I don’t know what to do about it
it doesn’t feel right to
oh,
ahahahah
I was going to say it doesn’t feel right to pivot on this feeling but in noticing that, I’m noticing an attachment to the feeling and a belief that the fear is REAL
a little grin just spread across my face
Wow how FREAKY this is like yesterday with the failure feelings
it feels like THAT is reality, it’s what is real and what is going on and true and no other possibilities seem accessible
oh, this is too funny!
Okay okay okay I’m going to take a break and have a talk with myself for a few and break this spell!!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:36pm
235: ruth says:

well, thats nice of you ladies but um, running just offsets my toxic lifestyle
Ive always exercised BTWwith one six weeks in 2000 doing nothing as i could not move (slipped disc) in over 30 years
three times a week min, every day for the last seven years
its what i do

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:46pm
236: Femininewoman says:

Okay Ruth I hear ya. You can still make up good stories in your head about those men wanting you and playing with their friskies.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:46pm
237: Beloved says:

ok ok ok
ok ok
ok
ok
ok
breathing
i took a quick walk
I am not a baby
I am not a helpless child
I am a grown woman
I don’t want to feel like a distressed little girl
I want to feel like a capable, confident
RESOURCEFUL
growna$$ woman
I want to feel resourceful
resourceful
I can do this
I can do this
I want to feel in alignment with and bonded with my inner self, with my highest and best qualities.

(geez, I only had to say to people like 3 times today that I felt scared and anxious for me to finally hear myself. Like, what are THEY gonna do about it???!!)

I caught myself walking to the vending machine to get some Skittles
I don’t want to medicate with sugar
I don’t want to feel scared of my feelings
I don’t want to feel like I’m dying just because I feel insecure and uncertain.
I love me
I love me
I love love love me
I am an adult
I am a grownup
I love me
I am safe, and grounded, in my body, right here right now.
I am grounded and safe, in my body, right here right now.
I will not eat candy to soothe these feelings.
I release these feelings and welcome, invite, cultivate AMPLIFY, fully embody resourceful
feelings
which allow me to be calm, present, aware and able to respond to life with grace and ease.
I can do this
I can do this
*giggling*

D*MN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Those feelings seem so SERIOUS and DEMANDING and fricking INSIST that something terrible is going to happen
ahahah
tricky tricky
I feel lighter
I don’t want my throat and chest to feel so tight, I want them to feel loved, at ease, relaxed
I am here and clear and present,
relaxing more and more
with each breath
I am guided by the living intelligence expressing through and as me
I am safe
I am a safe place
(little release there…thank you!)
I feel soft and able to focus back on my work now.
Thank you thank you beautiful wonderful life!
Life loves me.
Life guides me.
Life is showing me the way, thank you thankyou
yes yes yes moreplease thanks thanks

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:51pm
238: GlowStix says:

Femininewoman 224

Similar to my methods, and the “morphing” and loking for mirrors to look in, I totally get! lol Vanity. I love it!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:57pm
239: ruth says:

236
well, FW
they might well want to in real life
But there ya go

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 12:57pm
240: R.N.AmazingMe says:

The vibe on the blog is nice I like it

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:04pm
241: Beloved says:

Raawwrr!!
I lived through the feelings and am lmao right now
I am the HBIC all up in this headspace right now…woot!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:07pm
242: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Thanks sirens your all so amazing in your individual way thank you for being unique and outspoken with your joys and heartaches,we all take something from your words and experience and it made the healing process so much better!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:07pm
243: GlowStix says:

Oh! Making up stories! Yes yes! I make up loads of stories. And believing I was not beautiful or ugly was just a story too. And I can take any story and flip it. It’s what I do.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:10pm
244: GlowStix says:

((((R.N.Amazingme))))

Thanks to you too!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:11pm
245: April Rose says:

Big hug to you ((((((((((((BeLoved))))))))))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:12pm
246: GlowStix says:

I feel bored in my body/soul, if not my mind. It would feel good to move and trip out of the house.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:12pm
247: Femininewoman says:

All the good men are NOT taken! I can prove it.
by Dr. Lara Fernandez on February 4, 2013

http://drlarafernandez.com/all-the-good-men-are-not-taken-i-can-prove-it/findyoursoulmatelove/27/5018/

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:18pm
248: Femininewoman says:

When you find yourself frequently triggered into an unwanted feeling or reaction, but you have no idea what is being triggered, it’s vitally important not to judge yourself for being triggered. You need to accept that there is always fear, and sometimes terror, behind your own protective, controlling reactions, just as there is always fear behind others’ wounded, controlling reactions. Being aware that fear, or even terror, is usually the root cause of anger or blame or other controlling behavior can make it easier not to judge yourself or others for unloving reactions.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3407/the-terror-that-triggers-protective-behaviors.html

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:22pm
249: Dominique says:

BeLoved – 234 – Oh my this is GREAT stuff coming out. Yes you have created your version of what feels safe, and you are now challenging this. Yes it can feel SO
scary. And this is AWESOME.

FEEL that fear. Give it space, room to move. It will have the freedom to flow within you and on out so that maybe a better feeling feeling will take its place.

I feel very excited for you.

xxoo

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:22pm
250: April Rose says:

Hello Ruth,

I feel curious as to whether you follow any of Rori’s food advice?
I often stop eating sugar and wheat (difficult when I’m travelling, although when I’m home I enjoy taking the extra care).
When I succeed for two days or more, the differences in my mood and self-esteem feel so lovely. And then when I eat them again, after a day I feel unexplainably ‘low’.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:23pm
251: Turquoise says:

Hi sirens,

I feel frustrated with Sweetheart. Lately, we’ve had tentative plans to see each other, but stuff with his kids or family keep coming up. I understand him wanting to spend as much time with his kids as he can, but it still feels like he wants to see me when it’s convenient, or he doesn’t have anything else to do. We had a bit of spat about it, and I don’t feel sorry. It would be one thing if he said, sorry I won’t be able to see you tonight, my sons game got switched and I’m so excited to go see him play. No, he says…. hey, my sons game has been switched to tonight. I swear I either have nothing to do for days or a busy week!

Right now i feel like giving a big f-u to sweetheart. I KNOW I’m over reacting, but it’s how I feel right now. Grrrr.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:25pm
252: April Rose says:

Turquoise,

If it was me, and I lived in a lively town or city, I would just book myself up with fun things to do, and switch the polarity, so that it was him putting in effort to win some time with me!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:36pm
253: ruth says:

Hi April Rose

ha ha
No, I am a carb monster

maybe I should not be

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:55pm
254: Turquoise says:

April Rose, I
Do keep pretty busy, but was thinking the same thing. The thing is, it’s not that I wanted to see him to have something to do, I don’t make a lot of plans during the week because if my kids. We haven’t spent much time together lately, so I was making an exception. Just frustrated.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 1:58pm
255: ruth says:

but
thats an overly flippant response, sorry
I do have issues with food exclusions, even if it might work
Have sem too much *orthorexia*
But yeah, I probably do eat too many carbs

I dont really need them for running, dont do carb load or anythiing silly like that, I would be the size of a small barn if I did

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:00pm
256: Femininewoman says:

These words “I swear I either have nothing to do” send a subtle message to the psyche that could be triggering.

Then I remember the words of a coach James Bauer. “You’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about a person by focusing on what happens to his energy level when you ask him what he does in his time off. That’s when you’ll be spending time with him, after all”. My mind said huh!! when I read that. When I think of spending time with a man I think of spending ALL my time with him. Not when I have nothing else to do. I couldn’t help but wondering if this is one of the differences in the sexes think.

Then I remembered something else I read. “A man goes to a woman when he wants to feel loved or nurtured and when he wants to feel supported”. So I wonder if when a man is not in this rhythm or if his love tank is full he unconsciously says such things as “I swear I either have nothing to do” that can put a relationship in a constant state of disagreeing as it could communicate to a woman that she is being taken for granted or that she is not always at the top of a man’s list of priorities on a moment to moment basis.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:01pm
257: Turquoise says:

That’s interesting FW. I’m going to read that a few times and let it digest. He brought up wanting to see me last night or tonight, neither worked out. Partly due to weather. He’s admitted that he’s not good at seeing things from someone else’s point of view.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:06pm
258: ruth says:

oooooh

this is most interesting

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:11pm
259: Femininewoman says:

Also there are words and body we use “all the time”, maybe because they are comfortable to us, but can become a source frustration with our partners. So for me the lesson is to “keep life in a state of flux. Don’t get set in my “ways”. Choose my words.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:15pm
260: Femininewoman says:

“body language”

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:15pm
261: Femininewoman says:

He brought up wanting to see me last night or tonight.

Is this one of those make or break relationship moments where we can use our relationship skills and intuition. Win/win, teamwork mentality. So we can negotiate so both people get their needs met.

This is what you want. This is what I want. What can we do or what kind of agreement can we make to make this work for our relationship?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:19pm
262: Femininewoman says:

I also agree with 252 just that I believe context is important. The stage of the relationship is important. If it is an exclusive relationship a teamwork approach would be my first game plan. If that doesn’t work then I would go to plan B.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:22pm
263: ruth says:

MMm
I like that FW

*if* we can keep our emotions in check, ooh but no
I mean feel them and try to react rationally

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:28pm
264: Turquoise says:

Actually FW, I misquoted him. This was his text.
Basketball rescheduled for 6:15 tonight…this weeks schedule is out of control…lol! It seems like I have nothing to do for days and then all of a sudden, I have more to do than hours in the day! It’s not that bad I suppose, but I just feel like I have so much going on this week. Hockey practice is Friday, but I’m not sure if I’ll be going to that or not.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:31pm
265: Femininewoman says:

mean feel them and try to react rationally

For me it means feel them and sit with them for a while. Allow myself to sink into them, follow them around in my body, maybe they will morph into something else.

Reacting rationally suggests to me using my head in some way. I am consciously choosing not to do that anymore.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:32pm
266: Starla says:

turquoise, i see what you mean. like not getting to see you is just an afterthought of all that boring unromantic stuff he texted you about your schedule.

i wonder if there’s a way to say “and me? what about ME?” maybe something like “i want to see you soon. can you make this happen? i miss you.” really direct with no expectations. Honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with princess turquoise saying what she wants, even if it is leaning forward.

it’s also entirely possible that he picked up your vibe around the ‘serious’ talk he was giving you and that made you a lil uncomfortable, and he is backing off.

yall are so new… give it time and this will all level out, i’m guessing!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:36pm
267: Turquoise says:

He made a big deal out of wanting to see me Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday he told me he was going to his sons game. Then it got cancelled due to weather. So we were going to see each other tonight as long as the weather was ok. Then he texted me that the game was rescheduled, and now he didn’t know about Friday either, as in what I copied above.

It’s the vibe of being told he now has other plans, can’t commit to Friday either. I told him this was getting old and we should stop trying to make plans during the week. He noted my “attitude” and said I need to remember that I see my kids all the time and he won’t pass up an opportunity to see his. Which I get, but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and while I understand I want to feel like a priority as well. Like I said, even if he’d just said, sorry things changed.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:40pm
268: ruth says:

FW
one still has to decide how to react to the feelings

but maybe some time processing them forst to see what one is really feeling, is what I meant

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:42pm
269: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I kinda suspected because we experience the world through our filters. We create stories. The question now I believe would be why am I feeling frustrated? What is the most loving thing I can do for myself?

Then maybe when you fill yourself up with love and fun things to do you can tell him “I feel confident you will work something out as I know I am irrisistible. I imagine that your intense desire to see me will have your heart exploding in your chest and your emotions roaring in your ears. Whatever you decide will be fine with me. I am sure I can find something to do that feels fun”.

When their is frustration change the focus to fun and playfulness. Move away from the seriousness. See what he does and how he responds.
I know it is a lot of yous but

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:44pm
270: Turquoise says:

This was my reply and I haven’t heard from him since. Usually we text at the end of the day and I call him on my way home from work.

I understand wanting to be with your kids as much as possible. But it feels like you want to see me when you have nothing else to do.

That’s where we left it. I’m not saying anything else, especially while my vibe feels like this.
Thanks for listening to my venting!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:45pm
271: sha-sha says:

I always say U should be the women in ur Mans life to inspire him to be the best Man He can and never be the cause of more drama in his life. U should never be the women to tear him down and bring him more problems!
I’m so Happy for my Man today He stepped Up big time! He had a horrible day yesterday with two of his employees that work at are business. Long story short a unhappy customer found there way to are home to bitch about services and being over charged for tattoo! Demanding money back and being very abusive with his words violent man his was! Anyways I’m so proud of him for taking my advice stepping up.I told him someone needs to either be fired or suspended. I sent him lots of texts last night cuz I was outta town and he was all nervous anexity no sleeping. Pissed all kinda emotins. He didn’t answer me much but I knew he was in bed processing it all….. the manager of the shop didn’t step up and do his Job or answer any calls……we have learned U can never Mix family and friends with Business it never works….Fired two employess today for pretty much stealing from our buisness I’m so proud its like my hubby has found his passion for life again. He is so amazing I love him so Much U can’t keep making Excuses for ur friends when they work for U and stealing from U.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:47pm
272: Femininewoman says:

criticism – him this was getting old

disrespecting the masculine – I told him

controlling and taking the lead – we should stop trying to make plans

It might be happening because you are wanting *more* because of the exclusivity. Maybe running down the relationship timeline at a sprint pace.

He will notice the attitude/vibe and try to wiggle away. Message lean back, step away from him so he can take the reins and lead again.

The relationship dance includes missteps as we learn.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:50pm
273: ruth says:

awwwwwww
Turq I hope you do something nice for you tonight
xxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:50pm
274: Turquoise says:

I don’t know FW, I have a cold, hurt my knee skiing, just don’t feel myself right now. That’s a good suggestion about changing the frustration, but if we have to act like things don’t bother us when they do, how is that authentic?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:52pm
275: Starla says:

turquoise, good, let him chew on that message. and there aren’t a ton of rori raye sirens out there in the world, so i’m sure he’s just waiting you out to come back to him and pick up the conversation or instigate some sort of ‘fix’.

be different. let him come to you. let him see you are not like the other women he’s known — women who NAG him into making them feel important (which undermines feeling important lol).

this is going to sound funny but i am kind of relieved he can be this way. the stubborn selfishness is a very “manly” trait, and i feel happy to see it come from this man who is kind of castrated in other ways in his life right now (money/work wise). i know it sounds so weird, but i am getting the gut feeling that his acting like this right now is a GOOD thing.

even better if you let him fix it. let him chew on it and come to you when he realizes “oooooops”.

Men do test us sometimes. even subconsciously. show him what’s up. too sireny to even nag about that shxt. state what you need clearly and leave it up to him to figure it out. no pinging him to see if he’s planning to step up.

what i’m saying is i think you did great!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:53pm
276: sha-sha says:

The more and more I lean back and use feeling messages and Rori’s tools the closer and closer I get with my Man! I’ve never been distant or had really any mager issues with him we never really fight …… but I will say this he was always close and loved me but the more I Use the tools the more and more he loves me u can actually see the changes right in front of Ur face. Its like he never wants to be away from me. He cried cuz I left for one night. It was so cute I love him to death. Last night he told me I was amazing and I was not his forever till death women he said I am his soulmate for

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:55pm
277: Femininewoman says:

Blame and criticism – But it feels like you want to see me when you have nothing else to do.

Maybe “I need to feel your energy coming towards me. Right now it feels like it is moving away”.

Or “the monkeys in my head are telling me you want to see me when you have nothing else to do” so I am feeling needy and snarky. I am swatting them hard and telling them to be quiet but they are in a frenzied high pitched squeal. I don’t want to hear them anymore. Is there anything you can do to help me with this?”

Choose different words as you experiment with what he can hear.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:56pm
278: Turquoise says:

I know FW, not my best day.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:57pm
279: ruth says:

the monkeys one is good.I like that
Authentic

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:00pm
280: Femininewoman says:

See Starla’s comment I like the feisty vibe she has but I don’t feel that in your words yet.

Just know you have the other words that you can use as options. When he leans forward again.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:00pm
281: Starla says:

fw 276 that is some good scriptin

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:02pm
282: Femininewoman says:

I usually prefer Mel’s for situations like these.

Thanks.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:08pm
283: sha-sha says:

Soulmates for enternity……… he makes me so happy he has such a kind heart and gentle soul. I’m 30yrs old and never in my whole life never knew what really Love was till I met him…… I came from a abusive non loving childhood never herd the word Love from mom or dad. Got ass beatings verbal mental abusive it was horrible…. I had a guy that loved me to death and would do anything for Me but I didn’t feel the same Love he felt for me…. but now for the first time in my I truely know wht it means to be INLOVE

..

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:10pm
284: Starla says:

yay sha sha

<3

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:11pm
285: Turquoise says:

Lol monkeys in my head

I’ve actually felt the strong desire to tell him we should see other people today. All the talk here about not putting all my eggs in one basket, especially in his situation …. I don’t know, I feel very unsure.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:13pm
286: Femininewoman says:

Some words of wisdom I saved

“stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with a zinger to one-up him if you want to melt his heart. Avoid tart words and respond with honey. You catch more bees with honey”.

“Never criticize his lack of interest in spending time with you or the family”. This is one of the criticisms that strike at the core of men because they are touching on a deep subconscious need to succeed in this area. Men navigage the world through the filter of winning or losing.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:14pm
287: Femininewoman says:

to tell him we should see other people today

Turq – get in your head “never tell a man what to do”. I saw Rori wrote to woman that shows she comes from masculine energy and the man might be wanting a girl.

He knows what he wants to do in his life. The question is do you?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:17pm
288: Femininewoman says:

Stay grounded in feeling romantic and speak from there.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:18pm
289: sha-sha says:

I have to work on those mean negative voices that pop up once in a while and try to ruin my happy self and bring me down! The voice goes back to when I was a kid and told ur a loser u never will amount to anything U were a mistake. And those are just the PG-13 voices! My voices now are telling me It won’t last Ur dnt deserve a guy like Him! Ur gonna Fuxk Up eventually! Ur mother is right ur a worthless human. Sometimes its so hard to get rid of the voices. I spent many years as a younger women depressed and believing all that shit I got beaten into my head from my asshole parnets. I remember I was around 25yrs old before I snapped outta it. Thanks to My Ex boyfriend he spent are whole relationship with a broken lil girl kinda like free therpy I will be forever grateful for he made me believe in myself and help turn me into a amazing caring women who loves herself he raised my self eesteem so high that I. Broke up with him cuz I knew deep down I was not In love….were both happy to still be best friends….. sorry I’m rambling ladies I have lots on my mind today I need to vent out feels so damn good to vent everything

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:22pm
290: ruth says:

gosh FW, I just felt so resistant reading that as in “why should we——-”

But it makes sense

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:22pm
291: Femininewoman says:

oiii yo yo

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:23pm
292: Turquoise says:

But I don’t feel romantic right now FW. That’s my point, so it feels like pretending to even think that way right now.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:23pm
293: Turquoise says:

But I don’t feel romantic right now FW. That’s my point, so it feels like pretending to even think that way right now.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:23pm
294: sha-sha says:

Thanks Starla

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:23pm
295: ruth says:

sha sha feels nice to read you are now free

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:23pm
296: Femininewoman says:

Ruth you are right but as they say. Are you invested in being right or happy?

We should because we want our relationships with Mr. Right to be the best ever. Whoever Mr. Right is.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:24pm
297: Femininewoman says:

You don’t feel that way but romance is what you want. So I believe in saying “It does not feel romantic when………………”

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:25pm
298: sha-sha says:

thanks ruth

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:26pm
299: ruth says:

FW
I am not fussed about being right any more

You just sounded Jewish!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:27pm
300: Turquoise says:

Jewish Ruth?

Something nice for me…. Will be a hot bath and doing my nails. I left work a little early and we’ve already had dinner. So, whole evening still ahead of me. Right now, I’m watching a movie.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:39pm
301: Elsie says:

Hi all – wanted to share something – and then ask a question…

Ok – FIRST OFF – I have been leaning back and it has been working. I have been faking it until I make it – and it has worked. LOL

Ok – so last night he came over and we talked for a long time and at one point, I said….listen. I want to say something to you. I know that our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I know that its not important to you – and thats fine. But it is important to me. I was wondering if we could do something to celebrate it – and just honor that, because it is important to me.

I said it nicely – and kindly. Instead of the day passing next month and being upset, I addressed this head on. I appreciate that he is different, but want to see if my feelings are important to him.

Instead of saying …. well, I’m not sure if I’ll havetime….or I dont really want to….he said….

Sure….what would you like to do? I lit up. I seriously lit up. I said – well……nothing big – if you want to take me for a weekend to new york or Italy…well, its up to you. haha. And we both laughed, and the I said – honestly I just want to hang out with you – it doesnt have to be anything fancy or overboard (and I mean that I”m not just saying it) and so it was sooooo nice.

Anyway – I didnt use feeling words, but the same intent was there. I just told him how I felt about the stiuation without being drama queen.

Totally worked.

So, here is my problem. He has a tendency to become a waffle. LOL – now when I say that there is a theory that men are like waffles and women are like pancakes. Women have everything mushed up together – our loves, desires, work, home, laundry everythng is together. Men, are like waffles. They move from compartment to compartment and dont multitask well…..

So often I find that after we are together sometimes he moves to a separate waffle section for a while, and then he always seems to come back. Always.

But I dont LIKE that he moves to the other waffle section. For example, today he didnt text me anything about – hey are you tired, or are you ok, or anything. I miss that, and it makes me feel like I was almost used (which I know I wasnt – this man loves me) but I’m just saying.

So – how do I get over that feeling while he checks out for a bit and I wait for him to check back in?

Do I mention it to him? Or not.

Thoughts????? Ok – go!!!!!

Elsie

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:41pm
302: Starla says:

sha sha, i grew up hearing those things too. and then, despite waiting until I was 22 to lose my virginity, the man I lost it to turned out to be very abusive, just like my mother. He would say “your mother was right, you are worthless. you should just kill yourself already”. He bashed my head into windows and would push me towards the ledge of his 12th floor balcony whenever frustrated with me.

wow, what a loser. anyway….

I always thought that those cliches about the man who takes your virginity having a lot of power over you would never apply to me. I waited until I was a full grown adult, after all! I thought I was immune to it — a reward for being a very good girl. But I kept him around for 2 years, and constantly heard all that noise you describe in your head, both in my head and straight from his mouth…

I’m 28 now and just coming out of it. I nearly committed suicide a couple of years ago because i couldn’t take the constant noise in my head about how worthless i was, and i kept picking men who only made it worse. One man, and exclusive boyfriend who had requested exclusivity and commitment, told me he was too busy playing video games and polishing his gun to come be by my side after i was attacked on the street while jogging. The voices really started up then.

I’m so glad I came out of it. It took a lot of work and this blog was very helpful then.

i gave all my power away to my mother because i was a child and didn’t know any better. then when i was older, i gave all my power away to the man i gave my virginity to, because he was the CEO of a popular software firm at the time (he has since sold it) and I felt like he deserved my power more than I did.

What a mess.

I could cry just thinking about it. I am so so so grateful that I know better now.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 3:51pm
303: Turquoise says:

Oh Starla. I’m so sorry you went through all of that. You are amazing.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:03pm
304: ruth says:

yup jewish

Vaguely in my background and nice

Glad ou have moved on Starla

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:04pm
305: Starla says:

anything can be overcome, with the right support system and resources, but more importantly, with enough commitment from yourself to yourself.

i had to find that little morsel of self worth that still remained, and make worshiping it my new religion. devotional services included things like taking care of myself through diet and exercise, learning to use feeling messages and stand up for myself with them, etc.

my journey continues. sometimes i feel like i’m back at square 1. but really, i am flying!

sha sha i am soooo happy for you. and me:).

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:08pm
306: GlowStix says:

Turquoise

A helpful and very simple tool I have been using is no “buts”and no “shoulds”

Very easy to put into practice. Start writing it that way and speaking it that way (when you remember). My vocabulary is almost totally absent of buts and shoulds and I love it. I have to consciously *add* them back in when necessary, for clarity lol

No shoulds: It is a control word. And not necessary. There is no “should” There only is what is. There is could, would, can etc.

Some helpful replacements for “but”: Yet, however, and, and also, although, etc.

I feel happy *yet* I feel confused.

I understand *and also* feel irritated.

I feel sad *although* I get it.

I would feel good to go out *and* it would *also* feel good to stay home.

And a gentle reminder that men have many priorities. Just like us. And as long as you are one of them, there is no reason to question his end of it.

For you, I have a question….Do you see yourself making him
more of a priority to you, than you are to yourself? This could be where the feelings are coming from…Or perhaps something similar.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:10pm
307: GlowStix says:

Simple *communication tool.

Leavin’ out entire words over here

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:14pm
308: GlowStix says:

Oh, and I see turq taking good care of herself

Good stuff!

I like being my top priority and feel so much more solid that way. The people around me feel it too. I’m certain of it. They somehow feel important too. It’s an odd thing…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:20pm
309: Starla says:

glowstix that is awesome

though, really, some of those are just synonyms for “but”. but they don’t strum the negation chords in our psyches the way the word “but” can. i’m going to try this just for fun. thanks!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:20pm
310: Starla says:

i’m going to go home and give myself a salt soak followed by a sugar scrub, yum!
love to me:)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:21pm
311: sha-sha says:

@starla! I always had great men in my life that always gave me postive reinforcement but I never believed anything they said cuz the Voices overpowered them everytime! My folks beat me down for so many Years from as far back as 6or 7yrsold. I started drinking wine and ciggs by ten I was never sexually active or into sex untill about 17….I covered the pain with drugs weed alcohol then coke my worst addiction was painkillers oxycontin and herion. I been clean for over 3yrs now. That was one thing I can control and it alls felt good made me happy no one could hurt me or my mind anymore.. I went to school I was in 3rd grade I remember this like it was yesterday I was reading a story at school with teacher and other kids about a goat family and teacher asked me what I would do if I was the mother goat ..I said I would beat the goat like my daddy beats me with the stick.. teacher tells the principl about the story they talk to my Mom about it(she worked at my school in lunchroom). When I got home she told my father he beat the fuxk outta me choke me all that as he hitting me he says go ahead go to school tell them wht I do to U. There gonna take U away and adopt u out to families that lock u in the basement in dog cages I remember I was so terrfied I never spoke about it ever again.. was beat in my head that this is what is supposed to happen…… my dad was a raging Drunk man. Anyways so starla I feel Ur pain it was the hardest thing in my life to get over….. I found a amazing Man at the time who help take me away and nurse me back to health and I will be ever grateful he came into my life and gave me a gift of life and happiness…. it was hard to leave him becuz I felt so bad that he put all those years into me and Us… he was sad at first but happy to cuz he got to see me blossom from nuttin into a beauiful Women. It took me over a year to leave him cuz I felt like I owed him and I couldn’t break his heart. He was a real Man that new he had to let me go and live life and be happy alls he wanted was me happy……he will always be family and my bestfriend… I can’t believe how far I come I’m a pretty lucky women I got a great friend and a amazing Husband I. Met and if I didn’t end my first one I would of never met My soulmate.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:36pm
312: sha-sha says:

My father died in 06″ so that was always something that was a happier time for me lots of relief…. my mother got remarried not even a year later to so dude she met off the internet dating.. I have not spoken to her since 07 for lots of reasons and events that took place… a lot of my bad negative voice have been coming back becuz my brother begged me to talk to her she is different person now its been over 5years… I went to her house day after thanksgiving to see my sister and her baby. It wasn’t that bad becuz lots of ppl where there and all my attention was on the baby. But recently I have seen her alone or with her husband and I have been having nightmares no sleep anexity sweating and all those damn voices telling me I told U I be bck ur worthlesss and blah blah……. I’m so scared of going back to that old place…I been fighting for so long and did so good… I called my friend to talk to him and get that good vibe going.. its so hard for me to see nuttin but the devil when I see her… she makes me feel so much panic and nervous like that lil scared child I used to be….How do I get passed this for good!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:46pm
313: Turquoise says:

In my experience, men poof once things get a little hard. I’m curious to see what happens here. Taking care of me is my top priority right now. Thanks for the advice sirens, I do appreciate it. Xo

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:57pm
314: Linda says:

I had such an inner battle today. I felt anxious at work thinking about my issues around communication. I have appreciated the voices on here, your suggestions etc.

I feel done with my fear about this. It had my heart racing today and I almost felt paniced! I know how it got into my life and how it got further reinforced…. but understanding it is all I going to do. NO more harboring it and give it a place control me behavor or hold words. I NEVER used to be this way. Tonight I have been wrestling with saying what I need to say the right way. Struggling with being perfect so I will get the result I want. It feels ugly to me. I just want to be free. I know if I dont force this out.. it will ruin my vibe. Stuffing no more.

I liked what Starla said to Turquoise about her issue.
I dont want to be blamie or tell a him what to do. I just want to express my feelings clearly and step back.

I feel like beating my head against a wall… maybe the words will fall out.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:31pm
315: GlowStix says:

Starla

Sweet! It is so psychological and I find it works. It feels easier to communicate that way. I get argued with a lot less which feels good

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:33pm
316: GlowStix says:

It feels pleasant to speak this way and somehow positive, even when it feels serious.

I said to the man just a few days ago “I spend my time here because I feel good with you and I also feel trapped sometimes.”

We were discussing some things I was struggling with. I have been feeling a bit sad lately and just stuck in my life. So he wanted to know if I spend so much time at his house because it’s “convenient”. And that was my response. Also that it would feel good to move home.

It flipped him from agreeing that I spend too much time here to asking me to move in here. And doing, it seems, everything possible to have me here and help me feel at home. Even though I said I wouldn’t move in here, and my reasons.

It feels really good actually

Then some things happened and now we may be moving into my place together? Stay tuned lol

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:48pm
317: Linda says:

This is my favorite line here tonight so far…….be different. let him come to you. let him see you are not like the other women he’s known — women who NAG him into making them feel important (which undermines feeling important lol).

Feisty, siren words.

I wish I felt feisty and clever.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:50pm
318: Siren Angel says:

Turquoise,

He really does sound like a very busy dad, just like M when he is overwhelmed with his kids schedules. He is obviously trying to make light of it in hope that it will be ok with you… AND, one thing I have learned, is that the kids will always come first and that any comment to this rescheduling will make him feel like he can’t do it all, and something needs to give, AND unfortunately the thing that needs to give is never the kids or work because those are his PURPOSE.

xx

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:53pm
319: Siren Angel says:

Turquoise,

He really does sound like a very busy dad, just like M when he is overwhelmed with his kids schedules. He is obviously trying to make light of it in hope that it will be ok with you… AND, one thing I have learned, is that the kids will always come first and that any comment to this rescheduling will make him feel like he can’t do it all, and something needs to give, AND unfortunately the thing that needs to give is never the kids or work because those are his PURPOSE.

xx

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:53pm
320: sha-sha says:

When I was younger I used to hate the verbal mental abuse. That hurts millions of times more then physical abusive in my eyes.. that sticks with U far longer then anything it damages every part of ur body. And a lot of people it happens to never break the cycle and pass it on for generations. I broke the cycles for years now and slowly the damn voices show back. I’m. Gonna. Make sure it doesn’t overpower me.. I’m a stronng women! This women brings back so much bad memories!! Guess only time will tell if my brother is right and the lady changed

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:56pm
321: Emoticon says:

Starla this sounds so difficult im sorry you had to go through it

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:01pm
322: Annie says:

Indigo.

“You’re welcome.
:What a beautiful and wise thing our emotions are.”

Oh yes not to be pushed down or ignored but listened to and taken care of.

X

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:04pm
323: Annie says:

Turquoise.

What was the feeling/s that came up when he changed the plans to be with his kids and not you?

Was it second class. As in not his first priority?
Or something else?

Do you feel able to go inwards block everything else out and find the feeling/s?

When you have done this, do you then feel able to tune into a higher power that wants to take loving care of you?
What would you say if this was a man doing this to your own little girl when she was older?

Rori says until he is treating you as his first priority, to not treat him as yours match him where he is.

And if you want to be treated as first priority, then treat yourself as your first priority and do something that feels good to you, put yourself first.

HugsX

If it wasn’t that, then are you able to find the feeling and follow the process and take the appropriate loving action required for that/those feeling/s.

And ask the question, do you want to feel like that and be treated that way?
What is it you want instead? How do you want to be treated? when you know then take action and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
Hugs X

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:17pm
324: Turquoise says:

Siren Angel, there is more to it than just being a busy dad. Since he doesn’t drive, he relies on when his ex will take him. He doesn’t usually know if he will even get to see his kids until the day of, because it depends on her and her moods. So, I don’t want my plans with him to have to revolve around his ex. He’s so worried about making things worse and I understand choosing your battles, but it would be nice to see him stick up for himself and make some choices, rather than just take what he can get. It feels ridiculous to me, he’s 39, not a kid. But I have a lot of backbone and no problem saying what I want, need, etc. I’ve also been divorced a long time, so I do understand these things take time to work out. It seems to go in spurts, he sees them often, then not at all. That feels uneasy to me. I like consistency. But whatever he chooses to do and how he handles this (with them) is up to him. Not by business.

Probably the best thing for me to do is make some fun plans and not worry about his schedule. You are all right, he can figure out how to have time with me if that’s important.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:17pm
325: Turquoise says:

Annie, it’s not that he chose the kids over me. I wouldn’t have wanted him to miss the game! I know how important that is to kids to have their parents there. It was the lack of concern to my feelings, to basically disregard again, two days in a row, that we were planning to see each other, with such a cavalier attitude, like oh well, too bad. I wanted him to word it differently. I wanted him to respect my time as well. I’ve had this come up for me before with other men. As if my time has less value, and canceling or changing plans is acceptable, as if it shouldn’t bother me.

I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:22pm
326: Annie says:

I personally do not like wishy washy indirect words, like could do’s maybes, perhaps, try.
They feel wooly and evasive, dither with no real commitment behind them.

I like directive to the point clear concise omitted language, like ” I will do my my best ” instead of ” I could try my best”
It’s the intent behind them.
The first feels really good to hear and say and confident.
The second feels non committal and unsure and I do not take those words to seriously or the person who says them, it is like they have no back bone behind them.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:25pm
327: Turquoise says:

I agree Annie. I like direct as well, and usually am. I hadn’t thought much about that before, but it’s actually so etching sweetheart told me he liked about me in the very beginning. Direct, yet kind.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:29pm
328: Annie says:

Turquoise.

“I don’t want my plans with him to have to revolve around his ex. ”

“I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.”

“Probably the best thing for me to do is make some fun plans and not worry about his schedule. You are all right, he can figure out how to have time with me if that’s important.”

Yayyy, you have all your own answers and know what you want and to do.

X

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:30pm
329: Annie says:

Turquoise

“It was the lack of concern to my feelings, to basically disregard again, two days in a row, that we were planning to see each other, with such a cavalier attitude, like oh well, too bad. I wanted him to word it differently. I wanted him to respect my time as well. I’ve had this come up for me before with other men. As if my time has less value, and canceling or changing plans is acceptable, as if it shouldn’t bother me.

I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.”

If this has come up for you before and wasn’t previously resolved with those men.
This is another chance to heal and see if this one is able and wants to step up and resolve this conflict with you?

If he doesn’t like the others he ‘ain’t’ your forever man. X

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:34pm
330: Turquoise says:

Thanks Annie. Not sure why I still feel so charged about this. But if he can feel my vibe from a distance, it’s clearly saying dont come close right now!

I did realize something else, when I’m mad at a guy, my first instinct is to reach out to another one for distraction, maybe done punishment (to my guy)
Chemist texted me this weekend. I just replied today. I emailed with my ex a couple times. I need to figure out this trigger.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:34pm
331: Annie says:

Wishing all the sirens well and the best with their unique journeys towards feeling good, happy peaceful calm relaxed and loved and any more good feelings.

NN X

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:37pm
332: Annie says:

What I get from this personally is I will not ever disregard my own feelings ever again.
My feelings matter to me.
I want to make myself that promise and commitment to myself.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:40pm
333: Femininewoman says:

RE 317 Wise Wise words Siren Angel. He will look for a woman who is easier to be with if he does not want to feel pushed or like he can’t make you happy.

It is rather sad that women tend to create stories about a man dismissing their feelings when he is choosing to do something that is important to him.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:43pm
334: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise how many times did Mr. Conversation do something similar?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:44pm
335: sha-sha says:

@starla how did u pull away from the voices wht did u do finally in ur life to make U happy and believe in U and not wht the voices say

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:46pm
336: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I am thinking about an interview I heard with Rori and another coach. They were talking about how some women get with their men because men won’t ask for directions. I understand her suggesting that it is as if getting to the wedding or whatever is more important than the man or the relationship.

After all that he has been saying and acting so far how does this “your time” compare? Is it really about respecting your time or is it about wanting to feel loved, touched, hugged and connected?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:51pm
337: Turquoise says:

Guess what I just did to take care of me???? I fixed my bathtub! I wasn’t getting enough hot water so I mimicked what I saw the plumber do when he fixed the same problem before, and guess what? Better than ever! It feels really good to get out some of that masculine energy and take care of me!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:55pm
338: Annie says:

Only you and your higher self know what is best for you Turquoise and what you want.

Not me, Not Siren Angel, not FW. non of us. Just you, this is your journey. X

Above all else be true to thine self.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 6:59pm
339: Femininewoman says:

Elsie what is your intuition telling you?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:05pm
340: Turquoise says:

FW, like I have said here and to him, there can’t be a wedding unless some things in his life majorly changed. I don’t want to marry him right now. This has nothing to do with any wedding timeline, and I’m not sure how you are getting that from what I’ve shared.

All the wonderful things he has said and the healing we have helped each other do, have been truly wonderful. Yet (see glow, no but!) they do not cancel out how I felt today. Which was exactly what I said. My time has value, just like his.

Maybe it’s easier to explain this way. If roles were reversed, I would have said….

Sweetheart, I’m sorry I won’t be able to see you tonight after all. Something came up with the girls. I was really looking forward to seeing you and hope we can reschedule.

I would care about his feelings. I would apologize for the change. I would not make a statement saying what I was doing, as if we hadn’t had plans at all.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:13pm
341: sha-sha says:

My emotions are all over the place tonight! I’ve been reading everyones posts and thinking bck on my younger days. Thinking bout how much I’ve learned here from all of U. Strong women on here u all inspire me. In this short time since I started reading these blogs.. some journeys more painful then others and how muuch work every one does to make themselves and eachother happy……. I’ve only had one experience bad one with a man and it was teenager years for me.all my other experiences with men have been good adult endings…I have prolly been the person in all of it that was distructive and insecure. I’m happy that I got the strengtth courge and support I needed to get away and change into the person I am today! Love me

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:15pm
342: Femininewoman says:

wedding timeline – I said relationship timeline.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:16pm
343: Turquoise says:

I don’t believe Mr. Conversation ever cancelled on me. I saw him almost everyday. We didn’t always make plans in advance, but since I saw him so often, wasn’t as big of a deal.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:16pm
344: Turquoise says:

Turquoise I am thinking about an interview I heard with Rori and another coach. They were talking about how some women get with their men because men won’t ask for directions. I understand her suggesting that it is as if getting to the wedding or whatever is more important than the man or the relationship.

Ok, you said wedding or whatever is more important…..

Which, I disagree with. It’s not always going to be peaches and cream. I won’t walk on eggshells and pre think and calculate every word that comes out of my mouth, that’s crazy.

If he wants to find someone easier to please, I wish him the best. I have been very understanding and easy to please all along. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to be respectful. In fact, if everything was always just ok, no matter what they do or say… That sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.

I didn’t tell him not to go. I didn’t tell at him, I haven’t contacted him the rest of the day. If I can’t express myself honestly, good or bad, then I’d much rather be single.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:24pm
345: Memulo says:

So is Starla alright?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:27pm
346: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I was not clear enough.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:30pm
347: sha-sha says:

Yes starla said she went to take herself a nice bath

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:31pm
348: Memulo says:

Wow, how’s Siren Angel doing?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:31pm
349: Memulo says:

Thanks sha-sha;)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:31pm
350: Memulo says:

Sirens, are we expected to give presents for Valentine’s day?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:35pm
351: Femininewoman says:

Ok, you said wedding or whatever is more important…..

The reference to wedding was in relation to the topic in the interview. It was an example of a situation like when a couple is going to a wedding/graduation (some kind of function) and the man is driving. Maybe he made a wrong turn or is going in a direction that might be the long way or not correct in some way. I understand her saying that as women we innocuously say things that undermine the man’s self esteem. Things that the man experience as disrespectful. As if getting to the event is more important than the relationship. Some of us call them names because they don’t want to ask for directions.

In other words it as if we see the partner as the enemy at that point in time. We don’t talk about how anxious we feel about getting to a place on time, we talk about how stupid he was for taking the wrong turn.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:36pm
352: Annie says:

Only you know how you felt.
Your feelings in that moment.

It’s his job to do what he does..
And let him do what he wants, which he will anyway.
Our job to express how we feel in the moment.
And find out if we are compatible and we feel happy with what is being offered.
Look after our own hearts and not get invested in any one man cd treating them all the same until the best man for us who wants us and we want is offering us everything we want in a relationship that is workable for us.

Cding helps to get us to that place.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:36pm
353: Memulo says:

I feel like I am living someone else’s life;) I didn’t get what I really wanted and now am making the best out of what’s left. But, to give myself some credit, I am trying to change this.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:37pm
354: Femininewoman says:

Memulo have you thought about discussing that with him? Why would you want to “suppose” yourself into giving a gift?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:38pm
355: sha-sha says:

I’m feeling so bad for my lil puppy right now I only had her a lil over a month and she been sick with bad parasites poor girl this is her third dose of meds and if it dnt work she gotta stay over at the vets to get meds through a Iv. A lot of places selling sick animals makes so so mad!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:38pm
356: Annie says:

MANTRA STEP 1: TRUST YOUR BOUNDARIES

Often we want love so much that we will put up with things that don’t feel right. We tolerate behavior we don’t like, we settle for less than we want, and we pretend everything is fine. In essence, we violate our inner boundaries that tell us what is and isn’t okay. But doing this prevents a man from giving us the very love we want! Why? Because a man will sense that you aren’t being true to yourself in order to “win” his love, and it will push him away. Trusting your boundaries means honoring what you do not want. When you do this, the men who aren’t right for you will step aside…making room for a man who will value you and put your feelings first.

MANTRA STEP 2: FOLLOW YOUR FEELINGS

How many times have you gone along with something a man wanted just because you didn’t want to appear “high maintenance” or because you were afraid to rock the boat? The truth is that when you cut yourself off from your feelings, you actually cut off your connection to a man’s heart. You prevent him from knowing what really matters to you, and you rob both of you the chance to reach a deeper level of understanding together. You have to stop ignoring what your feelings are telling you, and share them in a way that he can really hear. Which leads me to….

MANTRA STEP 3: CHOOSE YOUR WORDS

How you express your feelings is critical to bringing him close. When you do it in the wrong way, he feels criticized and pulls away. The trick is to make sure that what you share isn’t about him or his actions, but instead what you feel and want. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t call,” try, “I feel sad when we don’t talk.” Because you didn’t place blame on him, he’ll be able to hear your needs and feel compelled to make you happy.

MANTRA STEP 4: BE SURPRISED

Are you constantly analyzing what a man does or doesn’t do, or spending time worrying about where the relationship is going? Being surprised means giving up control. Instead of using your energy to predict and determine the outcome of every moment of your relationship, let it go and enjoy the moment for what it is. A man can sense how a woman is feeling with him. If you are in your head worrying about the future, he feels your anxiety and discomfort. By allowing yourself to be surprised and present with him, a man is able to connect to you in the moment and will want to open up and get closer.

Try practicing the mantra steps one by one – that might mean focusing on one step for a whole week before adding the next. No matter what your love life looks like right now, these four steps will help you transform it dramatically. They help you make powerful changes inside you that will improve both the quality of men you attract and the kind of relationship you create with that one special man.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:40pm
357: Memulo says:

FW, no, remember I am the commitmentphobic one in this relationship. I don’t discuss;)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:40pm
358: Femininewoman says:

Continuing 348. Turquoise that came to mind when I saw your reference about him respecting your time.

He said he felt anxious to see you the past two nights. My question is how much of your schedule did you change around to accommodate him? Do you believe that you sacrificed yourself in anyway?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:42pm
359: Memulo says:

Annie, it’s a very good advice, I admit it and yet it worked against me big time. Screaming and throwing heavy objects would have been the right thing to do. every situation is different:)

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:42pm
360: Memulo says:

I believe that if Turquoise feels mad or like something is not right it is probably not right. Better to fix it.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:44pm
361: Annie says:

353 Was is Roris Mantras

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:48pm
362: Femininewoman says:

This is the point

How many times have you gone along with something a man wanted just because you didn’t want to appear “high maintenance” or because you were afraid to rock the boat? The truth is that when you cut yourself off from your feelings, you actually cut off your connection to a man’s heart. You prevent him from knowing what really matters to you, and you rob both of you the chance to reach a deeper level of understanding together. You have to stop ignoring what your feelings are telling you, and share them in a way that he can really hear. Which leads me to….

He wanted to see me. Did I have to agree to change my plans to give him time? Do I believe it would have rocked the boat if I had said “I would be available Sunday or Tuesday” instead?

Relationship debt – CCarter terms
Sacrifice – I gave up what I wanted to do because he wanted to see me.

I have seen Rori write that a man does what he wants to do. He also assumes that you are doing what you want to do.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:48pm
363: Annie says:

353 is Roris Mantras

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:48pm
364: Femininewoman says:

So Memulo – discussing would be changing your pattern. It would be trying on a new voice.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:50pm
365: Memulo says:

#359: I went on with my plans when he didn’t ask me in advance, I was nice and happy and cheerful on the phone when he called me last minute to ask me out, but politely said that I made plans already. He wasn’t happy.. so he went out with another woman!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:55pm
366: Memulo says:

Thank you FW, I don’t want to change my pattern. I don’t know what i want.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:58pm
367: GlowStix says:

:-/

I feel weird here.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:59pm
368: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I know I might not be your favorite person right now yet the point is everyone can read the story and see it differently. Which is a reason why relationships are so challenging at times. Both of you will see this situation through different eyes. As such both of you are right. In Rori Raye 3rd way style, the best outcome would be finding another way that would work for both of you. To find that way we have to put down the sheilds and whatever we use to build our defenses. Sometimes it means “stopping dead in the water” doing nothing, leaning back. Then when he contacts you again you talk in a way that he can hear. Are some men clueless? Can we build and move forward by holding men at all times at a standard that allows no mistakes/errors on their parts?

Is there anything he can do to “get” your time back? For me asking myself some deep, tough questions is the best route to take.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 7:59pm
369: Annie says:

Turquoise.

Something I missed was the words ‘tentative plans’
What would you want in the future?
How far in advance do you want the plans to be confirmed?
What are your boundaries around this?
What would work best for you and feel good to you?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:01pm
370: Femininewoman says:

“I don’t know what i want.”

This a great place to start. Asking yourself and writing.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:01pm
371: Emoticon says:

hi Memulo….
I havent been reading everything (lol just woke up from a nap and feels so tedious to catch up on EVERYTHING) but…..
I feel commitment phobic like you. My no-boyfriend speeches suck, because i am a little mean about it and make it sound like i never wanna be their gf….. and i think its because maybe i never really wanna be their gf lol….. idk whats up with that…. i wanna have a relationship but i push people away when they get close to me and when they bring up the relationship and where we are headed i feel so awkward

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:02pm
372: Turquoise says:

FW, he was persistent about wanting to see me and honestly, it is a bit of a hassle because I have to go get him. So, that changes what time I get home from work, what I plan for dinner, and how my evening will go, because I also have to take him home. Since I was just away and also don’t feel well, I would have been perfectly fine not seeing him tonight. But he acted like we didn’t even have plans, both times just informing me what he was doing. The weekend before last, we had plans to definitely see each other that Saturday. It was supposed up be early afternoon, then it got pushed back because if a problem, and he’d get back to me, a few hours went by, he texted me to let me know they were going to eat, he’d text me when he got back. Finally by 7, I asked if I should just forget about seeing him that night. He replied that his ex was still at his moms. So, I guess since his kids were there, he couldn’t say he had plans. About an hour and a half later, he texted me to say she’d read our texts, huge fight, on and on. I stayed out of it, saw him briefly the next day. I didn’t see him during the week, and by the end if the week we had a nice talk and I shared that we didn’t feel like us, it was distant. He said it had been a really hard week, he was sorry, was his fault and he’d make it up to me. That was where the insistance to see me Monday or Tues. came in. So yes, I actually feel disrespected, that my time is somehow less valuable, and that he didn’t follow through on what he said. I know he cares about me, but it doesn’t matter how many wonderful things he says if his actions don’t match up.

I know it’s hard because he doesn’t drive, and he is limited on how much he sees his kids. But to say that he will never pass up an opportunity to see them, doesn’t make me feel confident that he will change his actions.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:06pm
373: Turquoise says:

Tentative just due to weather. If roads were ok. Which they were.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:10pm
374: Femininewoman says:

((((((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))) I know.

Can you read back 369 and see if “overfunctioning” jumps out at you? I am thinking maybe resentment is building and the time disrespect might be a side effect? I dunno.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:11pm
375: Femininewoman says:

I also see “losing yourself in the relationship” in 369.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:13pm
376: Annie says:

Turquoise.

It is about trusting and honoring and caring about your feelings and what you want.

But having a different vibe and not caring about if he gives you what you want. A whatever do what you like as he will anyway and the right man for you will want to give you what you want and the wrong man will not and will weed himself out.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:16pm
377: Femininewoman says:

also don’t feel well, -

This reminds me of an email Rori wrote about how she decided to rest and take care of herself when she wasn’t feel well and how seeing her lying in the bed taking care of herself seemed to make her husband love her more. It seemed it make her look soft and approachable as opposed to her taking care of the household when she wasn’t well.

Do you remember that email?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:16pm
378: Femininewoman says:

Just got this from James Bauer

Be a little unpredictable and shake things up when it comes to:

your availability. While you never want to disappear, and you should be consistently responsive to his efforts to communicate with you, it doesn’t hurt if you create a slight feeling of scarcity at times. You want him to value the time he gets to spend with you. “Oh, I wish I could, Tom. I love spending time with you, but I wonder if we could hold off till this Friday, after I’ve submitted this report for work.” Then spend practically the whole weekend with him the next week.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:26pm
379: Turquoise says:

I didn’t feel resentful until the last week and a half. I don’t really have a choice about the over functioning with driving if I’m going to date him now. He does have a dr. ammpointment this week or next, he has a few… Not sure which is which, but to get cleared to drive. But lack of finances may put that off for awhile anyways. It depends on how a few things work out.

I don’t feel list in the relationship. His life feels a little overwhelming sometimes, but I do enjoy him when we are together, and we’ve never even had a fight, until today. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I never said I was breaking up with him over this. And I hope there is an option where we can talk hhis through and both be happy about it. But if the option is this or not be together, we probably won’t be together, or at least not at this same level. If I were lost in the relationship I wouldn’t have gone away for the weekend with my ex husband and my kids.

Part of my frustration could be because of seeing C this weekend. I wish I could smush them together and take all the best qualities of both. C is healthy, strong, masculine, takes charge, fixes things, drives, pays, super attentive to the girls, yet intense, brings up the past, likes to argue… SH is sweet and funny and affectionate. Easy going and fun to be around. Very comfortable, but not that strong masculine figure. Because he’s getting stronger and healthier, wants to go back to work, I believe there is long term potential. But maybe not, and I have to figure out if I can be ok with that.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:27pm
380: Turquoise says:

I’m going to sleep sirens. It will probably look better in the morning. Thanks for the help. Good night!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:38pm
381: Miraculously Loved says:

Ohhh just had a not good feeling. I called my Dad, my Stepmom today. I am doing a “family of origin” project for a class and really had some questions for my Dad but he is so powerless, he hands the phone to her when I say I am getting married and she basically says if my mom is going then she will not be. Really? She said “Thank you for inviting us but we will have to pass.” Really? I have not seen my father in 12years. I live 900 miles from them but they frequently go back to where we used to live which is on direct rout to where I live now. They don’t stop to see me or my kids. My Dad has never seen my boy..loss, loss, loss…feeling abandoned right now. Because of her words I could not stay on the phone with her and I just said enough..”yay me for taking care of me.” However this is the same woman that sat across from me when I was talking about the sexual abuse that her son had done to me; I was 11 and her words to me were “Do you know what they do to people who hurt children in prison, is that what you want to happen to him?” I lied and told her that it wasn’t true and I made it all up so that he would not be hurt. He was protected so that he could continue on for another 3 years. Ok, so this is not that situation but just the same way, my Dad looks on and doesn’t say a word, just lets her say and do whatever she wants.
However, worst of all, tonight she was talking about having pneumonia and almost dying and I felt nothing. And I am going to say this here so please don’t judge me..I need to get this out and review and hopefully shift this…I hate her; I have never hated anyone in my life like I hate her and I would wish she would die except I know how much grief it would bring my father. I miss him and I want to share my good news, my life and my love for him with the few years he has left and because my mother will be there she won’t let my father come?? I want to see my Dad…I want him to walk me down the aisle…
Sometimes I want to press charges and have that bastard put in prison but no one knows because I don’t want to hurt my father; I have protected my Dad my whole life and that bastard hurt other children. I feel alone and sad and hurt…I feel like a little girl who just wants her daddy…my heart is screaming “its not fair” and the loving part of me says to my broken heart “Its not fair little one” and then my soul is quiet and I cry. My words to my step mother were “I’ll send you an invitation anyway because I want you there and it would feel beautiful to have you come to my castle wedding. I know you will change your mind because you love me and my Dad loves me.” With the genogram report due Thursday and a 5 page paper due, I know this is being brought to me now because I can’t help others heal if I cannot heal myself….cannot heal myself…cannot heal myself…breath…breath..breath calm now..Crying! Hurt! Anger! Shifting..soothing myself…”it will be okay and they will change their minds and even if they don’t sweetheart there are so many other important people that will be happy to walk you down the aisle…it’s okay to cry; its okay to feel pain; its okay to be vulnerable…you are safe; no one wants to hurt you…you don’t ever have to speak to her again if you don’t want to…you don’t have to know what to do right now….just feel saaaddd, it’s ok to feel sad, you did it right and lovingly…you said what you felt and didn’t hurt anyone…you are miraculously loving and this will pass but don’t let it destroy the happiness of your wedding…Peace, peace peace…shift shift shift….calm” ((Hugggs)) me…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 9:29pm
382: Starbright says:

(((((Miraculously Loved)))))

Aw, can’t think of anything to say here except that I read your post and my heart goes out to you!

And, it’s not at all surprising their is some real hurt and anger there! Also, seems that you said things thoughtfully to her and are doing some good self soothing.

Keep taking care of you!!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:04pm
383: Emoticon says:

(((((((((Miraculously Loved))))))))))))))

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:06pm
384: Smile says:

Woke up feeling anger towards strummingman
I know he’s back with his ex
I feel a fool
(((( i love my huge fear that a man who has an ex will meet me and then realise they still love them)))
What hurts more is the fact that I know how ‘I’ll’ he use to talk about her. His family will have rejected him if they got back together so he must really love her.
I feel a bit messed up from this

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:40pm
385: Smile says:

I think I need my sexual health checking out now I know he’s back with her. Yuck. I’m 90% certain he was seeing her whilst we were together, I brushed off my gut feelings as negative vibes at the time, wanting to choose trust. Dominique is right, the truth always comes out.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:42pm
386: Smile says:

Wow I should have paid more attention to his behaviour.

Lesson learnt

Huge lesson learnt!!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:44pm
387: Smile says:

I feel fooled, he told me he loved me, we talked about being together forever and marriage, his actions were there then suddenly boomf, overnight a tragedy happened and everything was gone. It was never again the same.

I’m so glad I feel out of the painful torturous loop I was in when I came to the blog. Hoping to get back together, to do the right thing so he would come back.

I feel free from the drama of the past.
Yey, moving on

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:55pm
388: Smile says:

Some men say they want to be with you forever too early ((my judgement)) I feel weary of an instant relationship now.
Relationships take time. For me it takes time to truly know if I want to spend forever with someone.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 10:57pm
389: Smile says:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh
Sorry needed to let that out

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:03pm
390: Heart says:

hi sirens – I remember someone on here saying that Rori advised not staying over at a guy’s place (not talking about se-x just sleeping over) if your not in a relationship. Anyone have that article/info?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:43pm
391: ruth says:

Morning

Turquoise, I totally understand about feeling disrespected
I sometimes think time is one of our most precious commodities

Hope all Sirens are resting peacfully and will awake refreshed
x

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:52pm
392: Heart says:

(((( Smile))))

all need is a little bit of time.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:52pm
393: ruth says:

eek, where did you lot all come from?

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 11:57pm
394: Smile says:

Thank you strummingman for this lesson. I love my immense growth and healing on my journey.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:17am
395: Heart says:

I’m bored…Come on blog!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:24am
396: Annie says:

Miraculously loved.

Did you say you had counseling for your abuse?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:13am
397: Annie says:

http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Innocence-Incest-Devastation-Revised/dp/014011002X.

This is a very in depth book on the subject by leading expert in this field.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:18am
398: Annie says:

Rori said in last thread.

“You still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

Please go find someone professional to talk to.

And – that experience never, ever goes away out of your awareness.

It’s how you integrate the experience into your life, the energy you give to it and don’t give to it, and the compassion you show yourself that counts.

Same as with everything else that happens in our lives.

It’s the perspective, and the work to accept and integrate and love the feelings that accompany every moment of our lives that make the difference.

Love, Rori”

There are so many ‘professionals’ out there though.
Who do you think is the best sort of professional to help facilitate and support in releasing these trapped feelings?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:38am
399: CurvySiren10 says:

Smile, you sound very healthy processing this. It’s wonderful. I have been in your shoes (sort of) and I know how hard it is dealing with the “feeling a fool” part. That was really tough for me because I essentially ignored the strong instincts I had about the situation choosing (like you) to “trust” instead. A very slippery slope, but also like you- I chose to look at it as an opportunity to heal and learn. One of the greatest lessons for me was to trust my gut feelings first and foremost. They rarely (never?) fail me…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:38am
400: Turquoise says:

Miraculously Loved, I’m so sorry to read your post about your dad and stepmom. My parents divorced when I was a kid and both remarried. It took a few years until they could be around each other, but learned to make it work, mostly I’m sure for us kids. My Ex’s parents are the same way. So, we may not have had much of an example of how to be married, but we did have a decent one on how to be divorced, which is sad to me.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:54am
401: Turquoise says:

Smile, I feel for you too. My friend had that, she dates a man and then he goes back to his ex. It’s an awful feeling. Mine seems to be I dare a guy and he marries the next girl he dates. Sometimes I feel like I help everyone heal, but what about me? When do I get my guy?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:58am
402: CurvySiren10 says:

Miraculously Loved, your post was so painful to read. I can’t imagine ever being that way with my children. (I am divorced) I just can’t imagine it. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through…{{hugs}}

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:05am
403: CurvySiren10 says:

Turquoise, you will get there. You have so much to offer and know what you want. Not sure if SH will end up being “it”, but you are learning and growing with each experience. I hope today is better for you.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:06am
404: Turquoise says:

Heart, I remember that article. She does advise against it because they can get what they need from us, just from cuddling. Which could also lead to a friends with benefits type arrangement. But that also we can give all this intimacy and how much they like that, even without giving us the relationship.

One time I was over at Mr. Conversations and we’d been drinking and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up an hour or so later, and we were cuddled up together with his arm around me. I went home, but the next day he commented to me about how good that felt. We had slept together before, but at that point were just friends. It went back and forth for another month or so. Then we had a fight and stopped talking. It hurt, a lot more probably, because we’d been close that way, even though I knew all along that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Or at least not one with me.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:07am
405: Vi says:

Sharing my fears feels easier and more natural = I feel less guilty and more okay to have them! I feel more approbing of myself! It feels so good! I feel so proud of myself, and I’ve never felt that relaxed in my shoulders! I love me.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:14am
406: Tam says:

(((Smile)))

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:22am
407: Sirenity says:

Turquoise,

I feel bad for you. I feel the “potential “may be also an issue with SH. Sadly he could be a long time away from reaching his potential and all you have is the guy in front of you. Is that enough for you ?Do you feel comfortable about the current energy balance?

I remember how you pined for C not so long ago and sought connection. C sounds like a very magnetic alpha man. In many ways a tough act to follow. Yet you have invested a lot of good feelings and energy into this new good man, who is also very different and currently in feminine energy mode and distracted by family stressors.

I agree with FW about over functioning . If you need to do all the driving and wait on his ex’es pleasure at that it must feel very frustrating. It seems like you arent feeling taken care of. I think his marital status and unfinished separation are a big part of this. i suspect his physical status is also very important.
I also do not understand what his ex has got to do with his relationship with you if they are truly separated and ready to divorce asap.So what id if she read your texting? It is normal to text with your lover. Why is she accessing his phone and more importantly, why does he care what she thinks? I am not hearing mutual letting go here.

I agree with Siren Angel and i remember telling her the same thing she is saying here to you (I guess its a circulating wisdom and no doubt someone said it to me years ago). In a nutshell his kids will always come first . Right now with stress ,anger , marital separation etc , this is even more the case. To deal you in to his life requires a lot of juggling and he is a man! As i say they dont plan ahead well and are far more “spontaneous’ overall than we are.

So I also loved the comment about changing POLARITY here(sorry i cant find it now). All this thinking and energy needs to now rest lightly on the object of your adoration..YOU. HIS energy will soon come rushing at you again. You just need to decide how much of it you actually want and in what time frame. I know he adores you . If he is the man you want you can have him. Maybe not right now .

If you lean back and allow HIM to get to YOU you will feel better (He got to meet you ok by himself didnt he?) Let him fix the access issues. Just stay open.

If you stay open and use FMs’ ” I feel sick and grumpy and a little alone tonight. I also feel disappointed not to see you . I want you to miss me!”

” I feel sorry but I feel tired and stressed and I am struggling to drive and get you and take you back . What can we do?”

” My happiness feels like it took a nose dive when I knew I couldnt see you tonight. It just feels bad. I dont want to snap at you and i want us to have regular date nights planned in advance around our family commitments. What do you think?”

Overall , there is still hope as long as you dont take on his burdens at this stage. Remain light , bright, warm and glowing like the honey pot you are!!! Who could resist you?

And CD.

Prepare to be surprised.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:25am
408: CurvySiren10 says:

Sirenity, 404~ that is one hellaciously good post! You are very wise.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:28am
409: Miraculously Loved says:

Annie, #395 yes I have had years of counseling but there are a few things to remember (1) that its ok for me to have these feelings because they will never go away. Feelings are a part of our lives and all we can do is “deal with and shift post traumatic feelings”. Another thing to consider is I haven’t spoken to my stepmother in 7 or 8 years and for good reason; because she is hurtful to everyone. For example her sister who is now 50ish called and told her she was going back to school and she told her sister “Oh, well that’s good because you couldn’t make it through high school and had to quit you GED; I don’t know what makes you think you’re going to be able to do it now?”
Thirdly that I forgive myself, feel the feeling, shift it and move forward without it taking over my life. The feeling was strong and overwhelming and I was strong enough to have it and work through t so it doesn’t affect my day. This is what counseling and Rori have taught me. I don’t have to react TO her the same way but I can feel and process the reaction I DO have to her without denying it…the same way I do with any man I may be around…sometimes its not him but something left over and as FW pointed out a few posts ago I have to decide whether to handle it, address it or sooth it on my own. For this one I chose not to go to my fiancé because I sometimes use men to make me feel better when I feel abandoned. So, it was important for me to walk me trough my own feelings. It certainly doesn’t mean also that I cannot be effective with others because it all has to be appropriately placed. I grew up in my adolescent years with her and this is the formative place of learning to be in relationships and I never learned that from my family. I am now in a remarkable relationship and although I was triggered by her, it didn’t ripple out into my own life. If I have a client with me that gives me this feeling, I would deal with it in much the same way and then offer a referral. I don’t react to people out of my past any longer but I still have feelings tied to it, particularly when the past comes crashing back into my life. I will work on resolving these feelings but this is a toxic person whose affect on my life was ginormous…
I thank you for your concern but I have learned to live with and love and sooth these very difficult feelings and I am going through just another growth process and this time I need to do it without my counselor because I have the tools and strength to walk myself through it….I feel appreciative of the hugs and great thoughts and I am sure I will encounter more feelings.
Somehow I think this particular process has to do with me as a parent and how I parent and I am proud that I am not that parent…she is a cruel and inconsiderate person…now I have to decide if I even want her there because I know she will hurt people and create harm? I think it would feel mature and honest if I don’t invite them and just let someone else walk me down the aisle…I am not a little girl anymore and I don’t need my Daddy; he may need me one day and if he does I will be right there….
peace and love today

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:37am
410: Heart says:

Thanks Turquoise!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:39am
411: Tam says:

Well, it’s been 3 days since I met Mr Antonio Banderas and he never called me after going into great details of what we want to do on our first date.
Meh.
Chubby Austrian has been contacting me, more accurate would be ‘annoying me’…talling me he will call and then doesn’t, getting upset because I don’t answer a message ‘right away’ and inviting me for a party at 10:30pm, when he knows I am an early person due to my job and my eyes close around that time. Told him time and time again, he even saw it happening. So, go away.
I feel a little frustrated but see this as an opportunity to concentrare on other areas of my life.

I also feel full of energy.

I dreamt about MrP. He told me in the dream that he now has a gf…urgh.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:45am
412: Turquoise says:

Oh Sirenity, I know. Isn’t it interesting how we know all that, inside, but it doesn’t always matter? Things were going exceptionally well, in the fact that we were getting along so well, having fun together, things were clicking and sparking in all the right places. It felt great, yet none of the other stuff was forgotten. I do realize he has a long way to go and so does he. We are very open and honest with each other. He felt very committed to us working out long term, so I was trusting he’d get it all figured out. Maybe he will, or won’t. We shall see. I honestly have no problem with him seeing his kids or them coming first, I really don’t. As a single mom…. I do get that. It was his attitude around it that put me off. Maybe hard to explain here.
The thing with her reading the texts, weather she wants him back or not, was probably still painful to read. She sent them to herself and then read them to him in an argument. He said he didn’t have anything to hide, but felt violated. In one breath she says she’s ready to move on, and in the next rehashes all their old problems and blames him. Its emotional for him too.

I don’t know what will happen, and I’m ok with that. I’m grateful though, to have moved on from C and opened my heart both to Mr. Conversation and to Sweetheart this past year. They both have helped me do that. While there are many things I do love and admire about C, and in that department he is a tough act to follow…. There were also serious problems that I can’t ignore. So, finding the balance of what I want and need from a relationship, is probably my journey. C gave me structure and stability, I felt very protected, Mr. Conversation was awesome companionship, sexy and exciting. Sweetheart makes me feel adored most if the time and it’s comfortable to be together. In the long run, growing old with someone, I’d want what C could offer. (Or someone like him)

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:59am
413: Turquoise says:

Feeling wise that is

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:00am
414: Turquoise says:

One good thing is that Sweetheart sees a therapist about once a month and is going tonight. He will have someone to talk to about us if he wants.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:10am
415: Lizka says:

Hello sirens,

I decided thaI need to find more time to come write here .

I know all the RR stuff by heart, but I need a daily touch if it to keep going and not forget it. I know how it works, but in my new relationship, I feel that I am sometimes letting myself go slide to old patterns.

And I feel terrified. And because I feel terrified, I begin to feel afraid to loose him. My NVs are like “he will find out that you are an usurper, that you are not a real siren.”

I feel like I am still controlling too much and overfunction knf most of the time.

But he is so sweet with me so far and he really did nothing wrong.

He is ready to comitt and he tells me every day. But I still feel like I want to go faster and I should let him row the boat, I know…

So I am making a promise to my self: to come here at least once a day, read your stories, be inspired, learn more, share my thoughts and feelings and read your advice.

Once a day even if my schedule feels crazy. After all I wrote this message while waiting at the coffee shop.

Hmmm just writing this helped me feel calmer. It feels so peaceful here…

Happy to be back!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:34am
416: Miraculously Loved says:

I feel happy that you’re back…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:42am
417: Dominique says:

Glowstix – 305 – additions to the avoid use list of words – always and never

one of the first lessons I teach is to omit all of those words – should, but (except for emphasis in certain situations), always, and never.

eg. You should never use the word always, but you always should avoid never.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:45am
418: Olivia says:

@Elsie: yay! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE your pancakes and waffles analogy!

I see the waffle aspect in my man, too…and it makes me angry sometimes too. I feel like this ball of need at those times since I know that that it is a healthy man who is like this…it’s normal for them to be waffles. I know this issue may become more of a problem for me if we move in together since I will be being potentially feeling ignored in my own house. When he goes into this mode he sort of avoids making eye contact with me. Grrr!!

I think the baby steps aspect of this has been a comfort to me..we can’t figure everything out instantly. It sounds like you are making awesome progress with using FM’s so maybe re-assess in another month or two what you think about whether his waffling is simply healthy, or its too much for you to put up with and you need a more pancakey man. That sounds so silly. Heh heh.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:48am
419: Dominique says:

Memulo – 347 – In a word – no. Yet if you really, really, feel inspired, want to with NO agenda behind it, no expectations – if you are absolutely sure that if you do this and then possibly don’t get anything back, that you won’t feel disappointed, then go ahead.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:55am
420: Femininewoman says:

Lizka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:19am
421: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise that is one heluva comment from Sirenity.

I was thinking about your situation this morning and some of the comments/advice around it and was reminded of a constant male presence I have in my life. He always says whenever a disagreement arises, stop. Think about who the other person is and decide if this is a friend or foe. Let that guide your actions and interactions with the person. When it comes to relationships as Rori says it is always moving. We get to decide if we are building or destroying. If our mindset is to build something solid with as much love flowing through it as possible something changes in our mindset. Even if it as an ex, we step back and create what we need to if we believe we have to remain civil and friendly for our kids.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:30am
422: Femininewoman says:

because I sometimes use men to make me feel better when I feel abandoned – This comment reminds me of the Book, Eat Pray Love. We kinda use people to scratch our itch.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:36am
423: Annie says:

378: Miraculously Loved .

Who was there for you when this happened?
Were you not able to tell your real mum?

I feel curious about what Rori would advise here
as you are putting your Dads feelings and protecting the Man who did this to you above your own.

My step father molested me as a child. I have since had help through therapy to learn that as little children with childrens brains who are in a helpless situation that we often are unable to tell. This is to do with our parents being emotionally unavailable for us and not safe to tell.
It doesn’t sound like your therapist has helped you with this.

My therapist recommended the book which I posted a link to help me understand more how this effects us when it happens to us as children.

Hugs.X

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:41am
424: Turquoise says:

That’s an interesting way to think about it FW. I like that. Friend or for, building or destroying. Interesting.

So, should I apologize for being snippy?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:47am
425: Miraculously Loved says:

Annie, First let me say thank you for sharing that with me (us) and (((Annie))). Betrayal is not easy.
No one was there for me, as a matter of fact because I denied it after I confessed it my family made fun of me and isolated me. My therapist has left it up to me to decide whether to “tell” or not and it really is my choice. I just know that I can’t go back to my family of origin. I know I no longer need to protect him but do so out of love and respect for my father..although I am reconsidering this, I want my motives to be pure and my heart to be right. I am not burdened with it today. I am not a victim today.
I love that and I would love the link (I did not see it).
I have done extensive research into brain development and it is a process that blocks emotional maturation however, these links can be regained through techniques such as Rori’s. I will have to decide what level of contact, if any I will have with that side of my family. It’s really a long story and I am having to tell it with my genogram; this is somehow bringing it up and I am sure over the next few months I will be processing more. My therapist has helped me through these emotions a lot however for me there just came a time when I had to chose to not allow the victimization that happened to me to pour over into my life and with Rori’s tools to change and shift them. Its not that he didn’t help me; its that I need to help myself and forgive myself when the feelings come up. there are many situations that can’t be confronted directly with the people that harmed someone; either because that person died or whatever, or sometimes it is just too harmful for the person who experienced it to put their energy in that direction. (this is my case; I don’t want my energy going in that direction)
I forgive myself and I forgive them; right now that is a choice! I feel forgiving and thankful and open and not closed down. There is an assumption here, and I am feeling a little pushed that my feelings weren’t ok and that there is cause for concern? Annie, is it ok if I still feel hurt by her hurting words or that they cause a post traumatic response? Is it ok for you to let me do that without wanting to rescue my feelings? I am feeling very appreciative of your rescuing and I feel safe here to explore my ugly feelings as well as my positive feelings…is it okay that I still have them? I feel like its very natural for someone to want to take them away from me but I needed to experience them…the only way I can be free is to shift them, not to not feel them…I don’t want to block them…some feelings and people are like a punch in the gut; its like many toxic men I know (reactive attachment) the only way they know love or human relationships is by getting a reaction. I won’t let her have that power over me…at least not now (yesterday, for a minute, it was ok).
I feel it was right for my counselor to allow me to make the ultimate decision about whether I tell about the sexual abuse. The only reason I would do it now is to give his other victims a voice, if they would come forward…(this makes me feel responsible for their hurt). If I were to say anything it would be for them…and only for me a little. Maybe I am the link in the healing process for not only me but their healing as well….and maybe this is why the universe is bringing this to me now; because I am strong enough..but I will have to wait and see with that one =) I feel peaceful!
FW: #419 Yes!
I love how I feel right now; going back to being productive and revisiting some wonderful experiences from my childhood with my grandmother…what a remarkable woman who let me just be a butterfly, who never tried to change me…what a beautiful kiss she is…she is still alive. think I want to see her…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:22am
426: Femininewoman says:

I believe it is best to wait until he leans forward now. Right now it is about your vibe and what you are telling yourself about what happened. The more frustration build up inside you, the more resentment you feel toward him, the more you focus on his wrong words and actions the more it filters into you and block your loving energy. This is now about you. If all this affects you negatively it will show up in your tonality when he calls. The stress gives us a high pitched strained voice a lot of times that men are sensitive it.

If he feels pushed back, angry or whatever this will teach you how long it takes him to deal with his emotions, then move forward. It helps you to learn about him. For all you know he might have already forgotten.

The key here I believe is reaching deep inside yourself to stay connected with you. Send compassion and love to yourself. Forgive yourself if you believe you were snippy. Staying connected to you will likely help him to feel connected when he contacts you again. The guy I wrote about would always contact me after times of weirdness and ask if we were good. I believe Sweetheart will do the same. There is a reason why you named him Sweetheart.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:32am
427: Femininewoman says:

Miraculously Loved I have learned about taking 100% responsibility. I believe that taking the path of forgiveness release blocked up and stuck energy. This release propels us forward as we can now focus on creativity.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:45am
428: MovingMagic says:

I received a text from a cd this morning saying “Drinks tonight? If not I’m deleting your number from my phone”. Whoa! It’s so true, if you lean back…peoples true colors show up pretty fast.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:45am
429: Miraculously Loved says:

FW: that feels good..”this is now about you”
feeling liberated and keeping my thoughts out of their world…your words feel liberating! Beautiful; free, forgiving…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:46am
430: Femininewoman says:

Turq when he leans forward your intuition will guide you so you will be sure if you feel like apologizing. All you want is some time with him. This is good for building a relationship. It is finding a way to say this that he can hear. Maybe even let him know that this time apart and going back and forth has helped you to look a bit deeper at what you want for your life.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:49am
431: Femininewoman says:

Tool: Switch Hats

It’s in moments where you’re dealing with logistics and planning – or you work together – that the skill of knowing how to “switch hats” from “girl” energy to “boy” energy and back to girl energy can make all the difference.

First, let’s understand the different things that are happening here.

He’s pulling away. Andie’s needs for closeness are not being met. He’s silencing his cell phone and making her feel insecure – she actually is starting to feel suspicious that there’s another woman.

And there are great things Andie’s doing, too she’s not making this her fault, she’s not letting her anger lead her to attack her man, and she’s staying calm.

Now, all she has to do is FIX THE PROBLEM!

There are lots of angles to this, so let’s lay the solution out in an organized way:

1. GET THE PROBLEM OUT INTO THE OPEN

To do this, Andie (and you – if you’d like to learn to switch hats) has to:

Make it so her man feels “SAFE” to open up and talk, and then…
Inspire him to WANT to talk. And then Andie has to…
LISTEN to him in a way that makes him want to talk even more.
So this seems complex – like a lot of Tools, a lot of knowing how to use words… but it’s not.

This is a step-by-step process – how to talk to a man so he’ll hear you, how to listen so he’ll talk, and how to create the DESIRE in him to want to get closer.

If you’d like to get a detailed, step-by-step set of Tools to make this happen for yourself,take a look at my Reconnect Your Relationship audio program.

For now, let’s focus on the steps to create the safe place, to inspire him to talk, and then to listen…

2. GET INTO YOUR “GIRL” ENERGY

What IS “girl” energy?

Being a girl means being “Strong on the Inside and Soft on the Outside.”

It means you trust yourself, feel strong, capable, confident, independent and powerful on your inside – like you could handle anything – and then you allow your heart and your feelings to show completely on your outside.

This is the complete reverse of what we usually do, which is “boy” energy.

Boy energy is a pure burst of energy to get things done when we’re trying to accomplish something – it’s the masculine side of ourselves, and it’s absolutely fantastic energy to get stuff done out there in the world.

But in a relationship, boy energy is just a cover up. It covers up our softer, much more attractive girl energy. It covers up what girl energy is all about – our own connection to our deepest feelings.

When we’re in boy energy, we feel the need to DO something to make something happen – and that makes us close off our feelings, completely cover up our girl energy and DISCONNECT from ourselves. And the moment we disconnect from ourselves, the relationship gets disconnected.

How He Responds To Boy Energy
Boy energy feels to a man like a “protective shield” on your outside. Boy energy feels to him like a cold, hard, emotional defense.

That cold, hard, defended way of acting can look like stuffing down our feelings, being extra nice and understanding to him, trying to make everything okay by stepping up while he’s slacking off. It’s also Over Functioning , or it can look like attacking him, acting like we don’t care, playing games, stopping trusting him, being emotionally dramatic and mean to him in an underhanded, sideways kind of way.

In Andie’s case, what’s happening is simple – she and her man of 11 years are suddenly getting DISCONNECTED.

And, I know you can see this in her letter: Every moment she feels disconnected from her man makes her close up her heart even more, disconnect even more – and this is how our relationships go down the tubes.

Andie, in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, you’ll get immediately how to undo the damage that’s been done.

You’ll get the words, the body language, the understanding, and scripts – word for word – to use with your man to open up and reconnect the relationship again… almost instantly.

The moment you feel strong enough inside to open up more on the outside – to let your man IN instead of closing up more and more out of fear and anger – your relationship will turn around.

So, now that I’ve given you a basic idea of how boy and girl energy work (it’s all made crystal clear in my Have The Relationship You Want eBook), let’s see specifically how Andie, and you, too, can make the “Switch Hats” Tool work for yourself:

1. Whenever you’re with a man, NOTICE…

Notice how you’re standing, sitting, lying down – how your arms and hands are, which way you’re leaning (into him or away from him).

Write it all down – all your observations.

2. Now start CATCHING yourself in BOY energy…

Remember, boy energy is any kind of thinking, active, doing, initiating, deciding, suggesting, logical, brain-using, physically leaning forward kind of energy.

3. LEAN BACK…

When you notice yourself leaning forward, put one foot in front of the other and tilt your body back, away from him. (This is my “Leanback” Tool – it’s a part of my whole Rori Raye “Dance Position.”)

If you notice your arms crossed in front of your body, or your hands rigid by your sides, let your arms just hang along your body and turn your palms to your man.

If you notice you’re deliberately turning away from him in bed, or doing the opposite by reaching for him – catch yourself and just breathe, allow yourself to melt into the bed, and simply LIE there, breathing and melting.

4. Now – THE MOMENT HE MOVES TOWARD YOU…

Speaks to you, touches you, kisses you, puts his arm around you – wherever you are – notice if you stiffen up or jump to reciprocate in a strong way.

Notice if you feel angry, if you lean your body away at that moment, or if all of a sudden your brain gets really noisy and the talk in your head gets loud.

Notice this so you can identify your boy energy – because boy energy, when you’re with your man, is covering up your girl energy. You have to SWITCH HATS, so now…

5. SWITCH HATS…

Loosen your body, one bit of you at a time – shoulders first – so your girl energy gets a chance to breathe and shine through.

Breathe into the parts of your body that feel stiff to you.

Now focus down into exactly what’s in front of you – what you’re touching, what you’re standing on, how his arm feels, what you smell and hear in the room.

In that moment, you’ll FEEL SOMETHING. So, in that moment, use a Feeling Message that simply says what’s in front of you, what you’re feeling about what you’re seeing and touching – it could be as simple as “It feels so exciting in here,” or, “I’m feeling so hungry…”

DON’T launch into a discussion about the “relationship,” or about “planning,” or the logistics of a date, or about anything right now. (There’s plenty of time for that, and you want to be more used to your girl energy and the words and body language that go with it first.) Then…

6. Something different will happen…

In the moment you use a genuine Feeling Message, so you FEEL more of your feelings and your body isn’t so rigid, HE WILL DO SOMETHING!

He’ll look at you.

He’ll hold you tighter.

He’ll reach for you in bed and stroke your face or your body.

He’ll SPEAK.

Something will happen, and you’ll feel a shift in HIS energy. It will happen because you will have gone into girl energy in that moment, and HE FELT IT, and it instantly made HIM shift into BOY energy.

In that moment, you will have changed the entire dynamic of your relationship. You will have allowed your girl energy to connect with his boy energy.

7. Keep The Moments Going…

The challenge is to keep doing what we’re doing here, even though, at every moment, we feel the pressure on us to keep doing all the old stuff we women have all been taught that doesn’t work.

We’ve all been taught to think our way and TALK our way into a better relationship – but it just doesn’t WORK that way. So, just try these steps, and see what happens.

I’d love to hear from you – I know it will amaze you to try it this way.

And Andie – I know you can turn this around. Once he feels how much softer you are, you’ll be able to talk about your feelings – even your anger – using my Tools in a way that will set everything right.

Love, Rori

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:20am
432: Lizka says:

Hello all! Hello FW!! Hello Miracusly Loved

So did some of you changed their name during the long period that I was away? ML?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:22am
433: Lizka says:

Hmmm I feel excited about lunch that is coming in 5 minutes. I am planning to lunch at my desk and than go buy a treat and read FW’s “switch hats” post. Feels interesting and delicious.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:27am
434: Starla says:

sha sha
i went to therapy, which was a good support system that didn’t involve a man or anyone but me and the professional. and i committed to going through the motions of loving myself. the idea is to create a new psychophysiological landscape in which those awful voices doesn’t really fit in, and this is done slowly through small changes over time… changes like diet, exercise, meditation, slathering love on yourself when you honestly just want to say mean things to yourself…. etc.

i also finally stopped making excuses. i knew taking care of me in this way needed to be a priority, and i actually followed through. i knew i couldn’t just ‘think’ myself out of a lifetime pattern of those nasty voices… it was honestly all i knew. so i slowly made their environment less and less conducive to survival.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:32am
435: Lizka says:

Hello Starla!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:43am
436: Elsie says:

@ Feminine Woman – my intuition was that he just needed some space and was exhausted. I was SOOOOO right. Today we spent two hours talking and he was right back. He just needed a break for 24 hours because he is a waffle LOL and was so tired.

@Olivia – the “WAFFLE ANALOGY” has helped me many times. The other analogy I have heard is the apartment complex versus the studio apartment. Women are like a studio apartment – everything is mixed up together – work, emotions, etc. just like the pancake. In the apartment complex, and waffle analogy, he actually has to GET UP AND GO to another part to deal with something different. Which is why when men watch TV they literally can NOT hear us and understand what we are saying.

They just cant do it physiologically. They just cant.

I’m so glad that I just leaned back and waited. SoOOOOOOOO glad.

Elsie

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:46am
437: Smile says:

Heart 389, thank you, yes time is a great healer. I will get there

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:51am
438: Smile says:

Tam 403,
Thanks for the hug, needed that this morning. I’m back on track now

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:52am
439: Smile says:

Curvysiren, 396, thank you, yes without his message I wouldn’t have found the blog to be able to process it all healthily. To him I will always be grateful for him bringing me to the blog

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:54am
440: Annie says:

Miraculously loved.

Ty for sharing too.

Of course re your choice.
Hugs.
It will come out if and when feel able and want to.
I understand.

” no one was there for me”

I know and this is the root of it
There were no emotional available adults for you.
This is how it was allowed to happen.
None of this is your fault.
As children we when an adult who we trust betrays that trust we take on their blame. At the time we blame ourselves.
And yes you are correct it effects our brains and until we have the right support therapy new connections are unable to happen and developmentally form.
Yes Roris tools are helping all of us.
And I understand your therapist has helped some what.
Where I meant he/she isn’t helping is in this part.
“This is to do with our parents being emotionally unavailable for us and not safe to tell.
It doesn’t sound like your therapist has helped you with this.”

And until fully helped with this people who have had this confuse love and the pain of emotional unavailability. This is the subconscious love imprint.
Where what we are all striving for is a fully aware conscious real love with someone who is emotionally available .
To stop subconsciously being attracted to and attracting emotional unavailable men into our lives. And to consciously be aware and choose better more healthy relationships.

We are all getting to that point.
X
I hear you.
I hear how you are healing.
And how amazingly aware you have become and are continuing to become.

I believe it is an awakening and reconnecting to our core/soul.

I wish you well on your continuing journey.
The bit that felt concerning and stuck out to me, was you still putting your Dad and the perpetrators needs/feelings above your own.

Protecting your Dad from the TRUTH because of the pain you know it will cause him.
He is a grown up man as was your perpetrator I am assuming.
You were a little girl who was helpless and betrayed by all the adults around you.

“I need to help myself and forgive myself when the feelings come up. there are many situations that can’t be confronted directly with the people that harmed someone; either because that person died or whatever, or sometimes it is just too harmful for the person who experienced it to put their energy in that direction. (this is my case; I don’t want my energy going in that direction)
I forgive myself and I forgive them; right now that is a choice! I feel forgiving and thankful and open and not closed down”

I hear you.
“…
I don’t believe you have anything to forgive yourself for. X
What do you believe you need to forgive yourself about?

Nobody else has the right to tell of course it is your choice.
Otherwise you have been betrayed again.
Patient confidentiality I would have thought.
Unless it is a policeman or social worker GP etc and then I would believe they have to step in if the perpetrator is living with any children now.

Is he still doing it?
“The only reason I would do it now is to give his other victims a voice, if they would come forward…:

It is highly unlikely they would come forward if they are children for the same reasons you didn’t.
As adults yes they may come forward and speak out.

For me what finally did it was my neice was is now living in the same house as my step father.
It all just came out.
To do my best to make them aware and hopefully protect this happening to her.
That is out of my control.
But what was in my control was to tell the truth and make them aware.

I would personally not want my perpetrator to go to prison.
But would dearly love for him to get help to make it less likely for him to re offend.

He is not all bad no one is all bad or all good.
But what he did was one of the most harmful things a man can do.
And brushing it under the carpet pretending it didn’t or doesn’t happen will not ever lead to a better more healthier society where this happens less and these patterns do not keep repeating generation after generation.
Most sexual abuse happens in the home.
I wanted to do my best to break that cycle of abuse.

We all have to choose what is right for us.
I feel no judgment towards anyone woman who chooses not to tell.
X

It is what it is and we are where we are at.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:58am
441: Smile says:

Turquoise, 398, yes I do believe he did a massive amount if healing through me, I will never be committed to a rebound ever again!!
Now it’s my turn! I chose now, I’m ready

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:59am
442: Tam says:

Nice to hear Smile!! Sometimes these things throw us back for a little – but never for long

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:59am
443: Starla says:

Lizka!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:05am
444: Dominique says:

Miraculously Loved – You are handling this which SO much grace and beauty. I applaud you.

Sending you love.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:06am
445: Smile says:

I feel really big headed saying this but I actually feel ‘more’ than her. She may have ‘got’ him back but I feel like the winner in all this! Like I’ve got my ‘sh*t’ together. So I’m letting that take me forward to receiving more for myself

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:07am
446: Dominique says:

Smile – 385 – yes they do, and you more likely to create best kind of relationship for you.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:08am
447: Annie says:

re stuck energy,

I believe this is because you went into freeze mode and disconnected to protect yourself as a child when this trauma happened.
You were unable to go into fight or flight.

When we go into freeze mode the energy becomes trapped.

I feel curious/
Have you experienced any uncontrollable shaking re this past event Miraculously Loved?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:09am
448: Lizka says:

I need a mood booster to stay positive today. I think I will go to the tea shop and buy a new valentine’s day taste tea…

Cheri (unofficial blog bane for my darling) and I have decided to completely remove negativity from our love. We conplain a lot about work, people, and a lot wheb he or I am driving. I think it’s cool that we can communicate so openely and decide together to cut the negativity.

So I will buy a tea for the tea collection I am building. Leeping them in my desk at work and they keep my body and feelings warm.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:10am
449: Mercedes says:

This business thing is becoming a REALITY!!! OMG! J is getting very, very excited which is spilling over onto me (I’ve been *trying* to keep my excitement down to mildly excited…).

We have a meeting with an attorney on Monday to establish our LLC.

Last night we toured the available spaces for lease in the location of our dreams. We LOVE what we saw and the leasing agent answered a ton of questions and gave a lot of very useful information and…we selected the spot we want which feels absolutely PERFECT!

Next, we will meet with a builder to figure out what it will cost to build out the space to fit our needs (this is the point where it sometimes becomes a deal breaker for people). Then to the bank. Finally, it is up to our attorney to advise on rent negotiation and close the deal with the leasing agent.

After that…it’s all about getting it designed, built, and decorated, ordering supplies and opening the doors!!!! YAY!

Of course all of this will take lots of time and lots of work but I’ll do my best to exercise patience.

I feel nervous…and a little scared (bordering on a lot scared)…

I will have to keep my day job for a time (but I have someone I trust to manage the day stuff and who will work on commission and bonus with a small salary) so that’s good.

I feel uncertain about working two jobs and trying to manage the actual business aspects of it at night and on the weekends…

I feel rushed with getting my training completed.

I feel hesitant about the lifestyle change coming for J and I and the potential of spending less time together…but then too, I feel excited about the possibility this brings of us actually spending even MORE time together.

I feel confident that I have the right business plan and that I can and will make a difference in the world (at least in my little corner of it here in Houston).

Excited, confident, hopeful, nervous, anxious, scared…

Lots of emotion here all wrapped up in my little tummy. Talk about uncomfortable! I couldn’t even focus my meditation very well this morning…

Breathe…just breathe…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:12am
450: Starla says:

lizka 445 that is the sweetest most wonderful thing ever:)

QZ/CF and I care a lot about this stuff, too.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:18am
451: Memulo says:

Dominique, sorry, not sure what I said in post 347, I can’t see post numbers on my cell. Was I contemplating about contacting dumbcd? If I was and that is what you were responding to, I don’t have any serious intention to contact him. I still feel hurt that he never said anything to me, but I can’t accept the role of running after and making him listen.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:24am
452: Starla says:

(((((((memulo))))))))

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:30am
453: Lizka says:

Starla, we didnt had a lot of time off blog to speak about you and CF. let’s chat soon ok? I feel very interested and curious about hearing your story!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:30am
454: Memulo says:

Lizka!!!! Great to have you back

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:31am
455: Annie says:

Feeling your excitement Mercedes good luck.

I felt interested in your blog.
Do you have a link?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:40am
456: Mercedes says:

Annie: Thank you! You can click on my name to get to my blog from here.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:42am
457: Femininewoman says:

have decided to completely remove negativity from our love. – Excellent!!! I believe this is how commitment and agreements work in relationships. I have learned to focus on this type of thing through Gay and Katie Hendricks.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:42am
458: Dominique says:

Memulo – it was about presents for V’Day.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:48am
459: Memulo says:

Thank you Dominique. I was asking about a present for my current cd that already made dinner reservations for that day for us.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:51am
460: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel soooo embarrassed. and a little bit giddy. and nervous.

I keep running into this guy. (Common theme for me, I know.)

An older married male friend of mine approached me and said I should meet him.

I felt hesitant. Why wasn’t he coming up to meet me?

Found out that he’s 30, single, and is from close to where I’m from, which is far from where we are geographically at the moment.

I ended up not meeting him that morning, as married male friend intended. I still haven’t met him, in fact.

He. Is. Beautiful.

Ridiculously tall. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Fair skin. Nice semi-scruffy, yet well-kept beard. Broad.

So many men are too boyish or too old seeming to me. This guy? Perfect. Purrrrfect.

I have never felt so intimidated in my entire life.

I caught myself staring. (I swear I couldn’t help it!)

Everytime he looked my way, instead of holding eye contact like I know I’m supposed to (and can do most of the time, I promise!) I would look away.

I am sooooo used to guys doing this with me!

It always makes me feel like “What’s the big deal, I’m just a person?”

well, I had noooo idea how they felt until I saw this guy.

I seriously look away and blush every time he looks at me!

I can tell he thinks I’m cute, but I need to hold eye contact if anything is going to happen!

I mean, who is going to want a girl who is terrified of him?

When guys think I’m so beautiful they can hardly look at me, I find it adorable and it makes me feel really good.

but I’ve never had the tables flipped like this before.

I feel humbled…nervous…excited…scared!

What if I never get to meet him?! My NV screams!

What if I DO??!!!

I feel so frustrated and flustered!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:09am
461: Miraculously Loved says:

Mercedes what a beautiful site you have; not in a weird way…LOL (sounds like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood/I laugh) Love the “color run” pic. Beautiful!

Almost done with my paper and genogram! Success! I made it through…creative, positive and objective…I feel sleepy and like I need a shower then I think I will meditate a little to re-center myself…
Nice….I feel nice, compassionate and healthy…manifesting; creating….oh I need to dance today…gently; pretty. I think I will do that

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:12am
462: GlowStix says:

I felt kicked in the gut then, I feel soft and flowing now. I am not crazy. I am sane, safe, and loved. I feel confident, secure, and firmly planted when I practice open communication. I feel the progress here. I see it every day. FW referencing rori on switching hats, and creating safe and effective communication with a man really helped this to feel firm in my center today. I hear honesty. I hear response when I speak. When I pean back, open my soul up to absorb words and feel effects I hear it all, I am never in the dark. This feels so much like a releasing. I like that. To receive, to release. This is how I can hear from him that I “spend too much time” and AGREE. mmm yes. Because I feel the truth in my own body. I feel that then I speak that. Then when I see a “flip” in him, I can hold solidly to the truth and my boundaries without investing excitement in his flip. Without feeling fear from his original words.

That. Feels. Amazing!

I felt such a deep core connection during s3x last night. One of those connections that feels so real and right and like a glowing thread between to hearts and souls. He was snoring and I was wide awake and feeling. And all of a sudden I felt a spark in my chest, and then he was awake and saying “come here baby” and kissing me. It felt like the creation of life out of nothing at all. I thought I had felt this connection with him before and no, I haven’t. One of those feelings…Like you *think* you have felt it and don’t know you haven’t until you actually do…Groovy! I like that. I shed tears while we were making love. And NO fear. No fear that he would turn away from those tears like someone else. And he did not. He rubbed his cheek in them, kissed them, held me tight. Deeper and deeper and closer he pulled me and it felt as if he wanted to merge with me and dissolve into me. Heaven. I could carry this bliss throughout my lifetime.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:14am
463: Iamabutterfly says:

uggg, I am such a teenage girl. I love my teenage girl! Some beautiful man is going to love my teenage girl as well, and see the stunning woman inside me as well!!!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:14am
464: Femininewoman says:

Reading 459 the song – This Girl is On Fire came to mind.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:25am
465: Miraculously Loved says:

Annie #444 yes last night I was very shaken and I cried out loud a big cry and I felt safe and supported..I even feel a little exhausted today from it but it feels like a good kind of exhausted…feels productive. I feel pretty powerful and fabulous that I said what I said to her and then let myself feel everything in my whole self without shutting it off; I don’t need to hang on to it and as it comes and goes I will continue to release it..thank you Annie…I feel very supported

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:26am
466: Dominique says:

Iamabutterfly – 460 – And what’s wrong with this? I LOVE your teenage girl. I too can still feel like this even after almost twelve years together. It’s a wonderful feeling. And K loves this part of me too.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:36am
467: Mercedes says:

Miraculously Loved: Thank you so much! I, unfortunately, spend very little time there lately but I hope to change that one day soon. It’s mostly just my ramblings but it feels good to have a place ramble anyway.

Wishing for you a very, very pleasant meditation…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:36am
468: Iamabutterfly says:

@463 Dominique – Absolutely nothing wrong with this! I love her too. I just haven’t been this attracted to someone while knowing NOTHING of their personality and feeling giddy about it since I was sixteen years old. It feels kind of silly, but good too. I hope he makes the opportunity to meet me, even though I feel so shy I can barely look him in the eyes….eeeek.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:47am
469: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so curious about my reactions to men. Some men will check me out, and it makes me feel really good…and aggressive. I’ll stare back and I’ll hold eye contact for a ridiculously long time…just daring them to approach me and say something! (and they usually do!)

other times, I feel sooooo shy and small and girly and helpless. I can barely look at them, and when I do, I blush deeply.

I feel like the former is more akin to my actual personality. I’m a go-getter, outgoing, speak my mind, blunt, but compassionate and a deep feeler as well.

I sometimes feel worried about being with a man who turns me into pure feminine mush. It feels scary. am I not my actual self with these types of men? or am I MORE my actual self, because I feel safe in the protection of true masculinity?

I don’t know.

I feel curious.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:53am
470: Miraculously Loved says:

Annie, with comment #437 I feel a little projected upon. Just a bit; no it was my step brother and I really don’t have a lot of time to go trough all of it and explain but because you and I share some of this I really want you to get a feel for my experience and the way I am choosing to handle it. I feel at ease with your questions and inquisitions because it doesn’t bother me to answer to that. Although I do feel some powerful responses coming from you and your stuff, you are now experiencing someone who is experiencing this in a different way. My journey has been long and no I was not supported in my childhood. I was left alone and this aloneness I had to come to recognize as an adult that this aloneness is ok and to experience aloneness outside of relationships as a positive thing. Ohhh there is soo much and I just want to hug you because I want you to see that it IS ok. I am ok and I am in a beautiful relationship where if I feel abandoned by him and his behavior, I can tell him. I don’t have to tell my family.
I know many of the people he hurt because I have heard their stories and no I don’t know who else he hurt…many of them are adults now and still unable to function in relationships. What I mean by being self forgiving is just what you said…there is noting to forgive..its just another way for me to say I accept myself and all of my feelings…forgiveness doesn’t mean I did anything wrong; it means release…it is a word I use to open my heart. I forgive myself of all harm, of all negative feelings. It is a feeling not a doing…its a therapeutic word because we all need forgiveness and release and acceptance…I must accept atonement for myself A Course in Miracles lesson #337. So, when I speak of forgiveness I speak of the perfection of the way things are and who I am including any hurt feelings I may carry..I don’t need to change them today…they themselves are in the process of changing and there is nothing I need to do or don’t need to do to make myself complete except accept atonement…which is completeness. I do not sweep my past under the rug; it is a part of me and has shaped me in so many great ways. My strength, my durability my honesty. My father did not know and my step mother swept it under the rug; my therapist did help me with the portion that made me feel hidden and unsupported…notice I never used those words…this exchange is bringing me peace and I thank you for it…it is helping me bridge those feelings. I will approach myself with caution and be gentle with my own heart…I don’t have to complete this today as I am complete and whole. I do not accept events as “my being” even if I do have a response to them…I choose to be beautiful today in this moment as I have revisited my past enough in my life and it is time for the little girl to release and let go for now…thank you for your words and encouragement…
and Dominique thank you too….

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:54am
471: Smile says:

I have daily contact with the most ‘rudest individual’ I’ve ever come across. I really want to speak my mind but I have to remain professional. She is very intimidating and would probably attack me if I reacted to her. She triggers me sooo much and I don’t like feeling this way. I ‘have’ to see her, there’s no way getting around this. Everyone else feels this way towards her too but it makes me feel yuck. I need to let go of this Grrrrr she creates in me. I want to protect myself and talk back. I don’t like being spoken to this way

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:59am
472: Iamabutterfly says:

@468 Smile – Have you tried using Feeling Messages with her?

You say you don’t like being spoken to in that way. How does it make you feel? How could you put it in a feeling message that you could communicate to her?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:02am
473: Miraculously Loved says:

I was created as perfect and if I try to make myself imperfect then I am telling myself a lie; the creator, the universe does not create imperfection; it is only my belief in my imperfection that creates my need to change my Self and who I am. If I try to be anything different then I lie for how can I be what I am not and not betray myself. I am whole, I am holy I am forgiven; before I was born my whole Self, my soul was perfectly created into beauty. It is the world that tells me that I am not and it is I (through my ego) who believe that what I don’t have means that I am lacking but it was not meant for me to have and therefore I lack nothing….this is my meditation if you can grasp it believe you are perfect…it is not in the nature of creation to create an imperfect thing…Peace for the rest of the day sirens

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:09am
474: Smile says:

Lamabutterfly, She is a bully and so aggressive, she embarrasses me infront of everyone. She’s only there for about 30 seconds and I’ve been told by the powers above not to rise to her and keep her on side. I have no desire to talk to her

In context I’m a teacher, she collects her child at the end of the day, today I didn’t call her child’s name quick enough and she barged to the front and started shouting her child from the window. Her child stayed there because she knew the other parents were queued at the door, then she started telling me to hurry up.

She constantly breaks the rules for a reaction… Like why give your child fizzy drinks when they’re not allowed, of course I’m going to not let her drink it! Even the child knew she wasn’t allowed it. Don’t give me grief! Grrrrr

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:12am
475: Indigo says:

I really got the message today, that sometimes what is good for us doesn’t look at all the way we thought it would look like.

Sometimes it can look completely, exactly the opposite of our preconceived notions, and it takes a bit of bravery to “go there” and venture into the unknown.

And sometimes, you don’t have the words to explain that, or make it ok for others, you just have to follow the voice inside.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:13am
476: Smile says:

Grrr my other thing I’m feeling grumbly about is my friend expecting me to go to hers all the time. She asked if I wanted to do something tonight. I would have been happy with the plans but I’m chilled and relaxed and don’t want to go out so I said yes I would love to do that and I am in my pjs looking forward to chilling at home. She doesn’t want to go out either so were not now. I always go to hers, well tonight I’m looking after me

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:16am
477: CurvySiren10 says:

472~~ Hmmmm, very curious about what you’re talking about here Indigo…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:16am
478: Dominique says:

Iamabuttefly -466 -”am I not my actual self with these types of men? or am I MORE my actual self, because I feel safe in the protection of true masculinity?”

What a GREAT question to explore within yourself. I love this.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:18am
479: Iamabutterfly says:

(((Smile)))

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:20am
480: Dominique says:

Indigo – 472 – LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this, Happy Dance!!! Isn’t this an amazing feeling when you realize that what you’ve been given is actually SO much better than what you THOUGHT you wanted.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:21am
481: Starla says:

Dominique/Ladies

I talked to my boyfriend last night about our physical dynamic. Sometimes I want him to be more aggressive, and when he’s not, I can be kind of standoffish. And in his effort to be loving and respectful, he becomes even less aggressive, leaving me feeling almost pissed off and with the heebie jeebies.

I read a lot on the internet about not directly telling your man you need him to be more aggressive. That it’s a recipe for disaster and will hurt his feelings. And I can totally see why. Dominique had a great suggestion for me of introducing it as a fantasy of mine, and that idea alone made me feel empowered enough to bring up the topic to him.

But when it came time to bring it up, I decided to handle it a bit different, and more directly. Instead of making it about the bedroom, i made it about knowing the way to handle me when i get standoffish/don’t respond to his advances but he wants to be kissing/hugging/touching/having sex with me. i made it completely about myself, and all about my being as vulnerable as possible in sharing with him what i realized i deeply crave sometimes. i didn’t even ASK him for anything… it was more like ‘hey i was thinking about how i was being standoffish last weekend to you, and i think i learned something about myself….”

he was soooo receptive. ecstatic, really. he’s been so careful about not being disrespectful to me physically, that he’s been holding himself back. and he loves that the answer sometimes is to just grab me firmly and take what he wants, whether it’s a hug or kiss or sex.

and we also talked about how sometimes i really will just need some physical space, no matter how assertively he touches me, but that the worst will happen is I will say no. Which I need practice with, anyway. “No” is a hard one for me. And he said he’s not scared of my “no”‘s and that after my sharing all this with him, he sincerely trusts me plenty enough now to hear “no” from me and not let it hurt his feelings or the relationship.

it was one of the most expansive, beautiful moments I’ve felt in my life. I felt so big and free. I cried and cried, lol. Probably a solid 20 minutes of joyful tears.

more and more this man shows up for me. sometimes i think our relationship is forming into such a beautiful union that there may never be any two people who loved each other more than us by the time we die.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:28am
482: Tam says:

473 Smile, I have a friend like that and spent a lot of time pleasing her…doing what she wants, when she wants it..where she wants to do it. I feel exhausted by this, the more I did it, the more she expected me to do it. She is not a bad person but she did something that upset me a little, well different things such as she is never there for me when I need her, only when it suits her, so I got stood up at last minute..and she and another friend arranged a meeting with a public figure from my country that I got in contact with (and told her about it and his address…)..and guess what?! I wasn’t invited.
Not that I would have wanted to go, I just felt so demoralised by this.
Now I act like you, I am pleasing myself and if she drops off the face of the earth, so be it.
It would be sad but I am learning to enforce my boundaries and think that whoever doesn’t respect them was probably only self-serving anyway and not a true friend.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:32am
483: Tam says:

..and as for rude people in job..wow, I used to work on ships for a bit – soooooo many rude people. I learnt to not take it personally after a while and actually started to feel compassion, a bit like ‘poor things they must have horrible lives to get so wound up, or a personality problem’. I mean, they were on holiday and sometimes totally ridiculous behaviour, i e asking if we could stop the ship from rolling in the waves and getting upset when we said we couldn’t – lol.
One guy once started swearing at me and I said ‘Sir, I am here to help you and do not appreciate being spoken to like this, hence I shall cease to try to help you and remove myself from this situation’ – and I did!!!! He was fuming. Half an hour later, he came to apologize sincerely for having been out of order.
I accepted. Was a great feeling.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:37am
484: Miraculously Loved says:

Starla! How exciting for you and what a treasure you must feel like…respected, honored, princess! I feel lovely reading that

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:41am
485: Starla says:

all of his responses to me were just like “wow, i think i just fell more deeply in love with you…”, “you’re amazing,” “you continue to impress me with your honesty and bravery…” “Thank you so much for letting me know..”

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:42am
486: MovingMagic says:

I’ve been offered two more teaching opportunities in the last two weeks. One is teaching power Vinyasa (my actual certification) & another teaching yoga to kids. I’ve been focused on teaching to special needs populations for the last 3 years, & it feels like such a great opportunity to expand. Yess! I’m also collaborating with some artists creating dance/music/art installations. I feel so serious about this I’m actually looking for work/performance space to rent. Wow, what a journey.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:43am
487: Annie says:

Miraculously loved.

“I really want you to get a feel for my experience and the way I am choosing to handle it”

I do.

It is your journey.
We all have to choose what is right for us.
I feel no judgment towards anyone woman who chooses not to tell.
I felt concerned reading about you still putting your Fathers feelings above your own. I wanted to share that. As this is what we have all been taught and conditioned to do.
I now understand why.

X

It is what it is and we are all where we are at.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:53am
488: Annie says:

472: Indigo says:

“I really got the message today, that sometimes what is good for us doesn’t look at all the way we thought it would look like.

Sometimes it can look completely, exactly the opposite of our preconceived notions, and it takes a bit of bravery to “go there” and venture into the unknown.

And sometimes, you don’t have the words to explain that, or make it ok for others, you just have to follow the voice inside.”

It feels good to read that. X

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:55am
489: Indigo says:

CurvySiren 474

This has been a recurring theme in my life – trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and not even realising I was doing it, only knowing I felt stuck, frustrated and lacking in energy. And the sheer liberation when I finally let go of doing that, and found a way that *felt* so much better, even if it looked nothing like what other people were doing.

One example is my horse. She is a feisty, opinionated mare and very, very sensitive, and “difficult” and it took me ages to learn how to have a cooperative, working relationship with her. Everyone advised me against buying her, and that she wasn’t suitable for me, but I *knew* deep down, that this was the horse for me. It took about 2 years of true experimenting and learning, but we have the most incredible partnership now. I am totally safe on her back and she is completely responsive to me, she responds to my voice and to the lightest touch.

And D. He is deleted from Facebook, skype and gmail chat now. And weirdly, I feel safer and calmer with this now. It doesn’t make any sense, but it feels like a totally respectful thing to do. This feels, not like a rejection, but like a total respect of his need for space, and my soul’s need for calmness and to be listened to when it says it doesn’t like being stirred up like that with the daily skype messages. That it feels unsafe.

And I think, *conventionally*, it would seem harsh and unloving to delete someone like this, but actually, it feels like the most loving, best-feeling act for both of us in a long time. This is what needs to happen, and it feels benevolent, not mean.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:59am
490: MovingMagic says:

Starla, I feel inspired just reading about the interactions between you, & your man.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:01pm
491: Indigo says:

Dominique 477

Yes!!! And the moment when you stop feeling woe is me, and stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead start feeling incredibly LUCKY because life is far more benevolent than you thought, is pretty cool too

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:03pm
492: Tam says:

486 – that felt lovely to read Indigo. Calm.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:04pm
493: Femininewoman says:

Indigo clap clap clap

I feel like offering up thunderous applause to you for your bravery in trying something new.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:06pm
494: Iamabutterfly says:

I noticed that when I feel truly safe with a man (like with my Dad, grandpa, cousin) I feel safe to be quiet, sit still, and just BE. not many men make me feel like that, but I think I want to BE with a man like that.

I can WORK at being like that with guys I’m not NATURALLY like that with, but it FEELS so much better when it happens NATURALLY.

Feels great to feel safe, quiet, and secure…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:11pm
495: CurvySiren10 says:

Thank you Indigo. That felt amazing to read. You are a gem.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:18pm
496: Dominique says:

AWESOME Starla – 478 – I feel SO happy hearing this.
YAY you!!!

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:20pm
497: Lizka says:

It feels awesome to read all of you. I feel all cozy, jist like last winter when I felt so connected to all the sirens

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:25pm
498: Sirenity says:

“So, finding the balance of what I want and need from a relationship, is probably my journey.”

Turquoise..pheeewwww..big AHA ! From me here.
I totally agree. That is really tricky at first but you are doing brilliantly!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:29pm
499: Sweetie says:

Hi Ladies,

I am having a hard time today. I want to lean forward, but I know I must not. My live-in boyfriend broke up 2 weeks ago Saturday and I am in the process of trying to find a new place to live. He broke up with me because he said he doenst have those intense feelings he once had and is wondering if there is someone else that could make him (and me) happier. I have excepted that I can not change his mind on this that it is how he feels, but this is the last thing I want. However since this happened I have been changing my vibe. I have been more open, more vulnerable, have listened more, have just been, have sunk into my feelings, taken care of myself, had fun, not worried about him and now he is giving me mixed messages, but he still wants to go through with this. When we are home together he acts like nothing has changed. He is speaking to me the way I always hope he would, he is becoming more considerate, more appreciative, etc. I am feeling scared and I want to lean forward to ask him to not go through with this.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:38pm
500: Sirenity says:

Oh And Curvy and FW thanks re the compliments . My “wise ” post is mostly just applying Rori’s technique to Turquoises situation . Its easy to see on the outside. I am a bit of a stickler myself for dating divorced men. The ones that are still actively engaging with the ex on a regular basis have a big bag of unfinished business and usually , resentments , to go with it. I also find they fall in love with me easily because it feels so darn GOOD after all that stress but they cant always keep it going and they want only positive interactions and no responsibility.

Also agree with FW re choosing love and deciding to DO love.And that takes open hearts and full energy polarity . That means only two people in the relationship to my way of thinking.

Oh and update on Speed dating man he has suddenly upped the emails and texts but is interstate just now..so odd..silence for 2 weeks then a barrage! Any clues ladies??

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:39pm
501: k2012 says:

Wow. I can hardly keep up with the blog and when a new thread is out. But I am copying and pasting from the previous thread in response to Miraculously loved. “It would feel amazing if you came to see me, it just feels like I’m chasing you if I go to your work.” To which he did not have a reply. This was a prime example of a non-committed little boy who wanted to be chased and taken care of…”. Yes Miraculously Loved. High five for that one. Some of them want u to chase them. Well I am not chasing any man. That is THEIR ROLE. In fact as my hairdresser told me last night, “I am royalty”. I told her about Rori saying in her newsletter, “I am the prize.” Ladies how are u all doing. I am still at work swamped with work. Lol. When I reach home later, I will read the new thread and most of your responses. 497 responses and mine will make 498 as I read. Wow. Maybe more by the time I hit the “submit comment” button.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:49pm
502: Dominique says:

488 – yes indeed Indigo, yes indeed.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:50pm
503: Iamabutterfly says:

One of my guy friends that moved away and is here to visit this week, I feel guilty about. I know he has feelings for me, and he tried to talk to me about it, kind of, I think.

He told me about a fortune from a fortune cookie he wanted to show me.

It said something about making the most of every opportunity.

and I kind of felt like he was hinting that he wanted to make the most of every opportunity WITH ME, but I was inauthentic and played dumb.

Then, another one of my guy friends who I know is interested in me, talked about another girl, like he was expecting me to get jealous or something?

but I didn’t get jealous.

at all…

I wonder what would happen if i stopped being inauthentic by “playing dumb” and just felt all the scary feelings that come with admitting to myself, in the moment, that my guy friend might have serious feelings for me?

It makes me feel a little angry, that they “pretend” to be friends with me when they want “more.”

but, to be fair, the feelings could have developed slowly, because I know that has happened to me before.

I feel scared to consider guy friends as more than that…

I feel scared of hurting or being hurt…

I feel like a little girl who wants to hide in the corner…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:55pm
504: Femininewoman says:

Sweetie feeling scared and asking him not to do it does not mean he will change his mind. What it might mean is that you ending up having to move out with less of your dignity than you currently have. He might be feeling guilty and second guessing his decision right now, Maybe that is the reason he is acting the way he is because he might be realizing how much he is shooting himself in the foot. You don’t know. I don’t know. One thing I know is that begging won’t necessarily get him to change his mind. He will need to feel inspired to do that on his own.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 12:57pm
505: Sweetie says:

Thank you Femininewoman- that felt comforting to read because you are absolutely right and I know that what you are saying is true. I am just going to sink into these feelings and take care of myself and hold onto my dignity because that is all I can do right now. I feel proud of myself for taking the steps to take care of me.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:04pm
506: Violette says:

Sirenity,

I think when guys disappear and reappear it has to do with something they are looking for outside of themselves that they feel you can give them, and in between they are just distracted. It depends, but guys that tend to come on really strong and then disappear (not that I know that about the speed dater…but just from my experience) tend to love it when I blow them off. That’s when I feel the best about myself around them!

I am crazily, dramatically, perhaps hormonally grouchy today. I want to bite D’s head off! We saw each other Monday and I mentioned once again that I get stressed around text messaging and prefer talking on the phone, even though it’s always nice to hear from him. His response was that he’d like me to call him, like initiate contact! I’ve already told him a couple of times I’m not comfortable with that in the beginning because it feels like chasing and he still wants it. It worries me because it feels like he wants to be with a more masculine woman or something…I don’t get it. Anyway tonight we have plans…and he texted me, where are we meeting? First of all I want him to pick me up, not meet me. Second, he clearly doesn’t give a crap that I’d prefer a phone call. I’m just pissed off.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:05pm
507: Femininewoman says:

I feel proud of you too Sweetie. Doing the inner work is always the best and should be our first option that we choose. I don’t know how to explain it but I have accepted that what is happening on the inside of us, as in how we love ourselves, is the only thing that can possibly show up on the outside. Even if better tries to show up we will push it away because we don’t believe we deserve it. We are likely to believe it is too good to be true.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:11pm
508: Femininewoman says:

Violette – some notes I took from a Love Forever Class that was posted here before:-

The only time to initiate with a man is when you have a committed man and you know your contact is welcome.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:14pm
509: Femininewoman says:

Some men hate using the phone. Many see it as a tool for business.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:18pm
510: Ulii says:

@ Starla 38, 39

“i always wanted the guy who would stay immovable like an old, wise tree while i stormed around him. and i got me one.

i just feel so SAFE with him. like i can feel whatever i feel, i can be in whatever mood i’m in, i can tell him the honest truth about it, and he can HANDLE it. and he won’t try to convince me that i’m wrong, or that i’m failing him in some way…”

I feel moved to read this. This is exactly how I want to feel with my man and is the most important and essential to a relationship i want. I feel so glad you have this Starla! I feel I’m reaching it too.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:20pm
511: Femininewoman says:

Rori Raye FM

“I need to feel you and I can’t feel you when I don’t at least hear your voice. I am happy to call you some time but I mostly need to feel your energy and I can’t feel it unless I am on the receiving end”.

Mine:_

It feels romantic to be on the receiving end. I like when the man leads the communicating, it makes me feel happy. It feels too masculine and like I am chasing when I call and I don’t want to feel that way with you. Is there anything you can do to help me with this?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:23pm
512: Smile says:

Hi sirens, could do with some help on what to say…

Amb cd has already booked me for valentines day. Everything is going amazingly… Apart from his financial situation. He has some holidays booked which he’s been going on and is away again. He has been paying for dates etc and says he feels humbled about the fact I had to drive somewhere the other day as he couldn’t afford the taxi. It’s only a temp situation whilst he’s travelling a little.

He hasn’t got any money to take me out and asked what I want to do for valentines day. Thing is… I don’t need anything expensive at all. But he can’t even get to mine or afford food to eat in…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:25pm
513: Femininewoman says:

. Second, he clearly doesn’t give a crap that I’d prefer a phone call – maybe.

But it could also just be that he prefers that you call him. It could be that he prefers masculine energy because he is primary feminine energy. Maybe it could be because he was *trained* to be this way by other women in his past, or he could get in trouble. For all you know his mother might have been mostly masculine energy, so that is all he knows.

He might be showing you who he is. Now you have the option to decide if you feel you are a match. Then communicat that.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:29pm
514: Femininewoman says:

Smile how long have you been together and how committed does he feel to you?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:31pm
515: Femininewoman says:

I feel ike a simmering cauldron of emotions today.

Violette I saved this one and just remembered it as I read your comments.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:34pm
516: Femininewoman says:

Smile I believed I have seen one that suggested “I don’t need anything expensive or anything we have to spend money one. Just spending time with you is enough for me right now” or something to that effect if that is how you truly feel.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:35pm
517: Miraculously Loved says:

Okay: good, now here is my dilemma and a curious situation at that…I feel curious. I know that I know that the relationship with my stepmother is something that is blocking my energy from opening up in female relationships and I want to heal this part of me so. Now that have the whole how to draw in masculine energy down to a science how do I draw in other feminine energy. I am a feminine woman and I just have difficulty finding women that are on my same wavelength or if they are not to accept where I am…so I guess I feel unaccepted in that right. Let me explore this feeling of unaccepted; judged. I am the least judgmental person I know. However I love politics and dance (interpretive), and I love to discuss and get involved with political activities and activist movements. However, I don’t want to have to be too attached to anything or anyone right now because of school I have little time to go out and explore new friendships. I also don’t do bars and there are no museums in my town (no time to travel out of town either). I know my lack of time is a recurring theme. So, because I have gone through this phase of self discovery and have all but dropped anyone and anything that made me feel bad about myself or judged me etc. You know sirens all the things women sometimes do to each other that denotes insecurity. I have no tolerance for that. I have no tolerance for gossipy behavior either which becomes a problem. I like secure women but I also don’t like to be around women with too much masculine energy. I love sports and art and the occasional drink but I don’t want to put up a front…I want open, artsy, dancie spirits who are spiritual but not overly religious; colorful people with a different sense of the world…I live in a small community in a very conservative state that is not necessarily conducive to these traits so any ideas?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:38pm
518: Turquoise says:

Hi Sirens, what a crappy week this is turning out to be. I made a mistake at work, so did someone else, but it makes the company look bad, and I think I came pretty close to being fired. The other person, should have been more aware, but I didn’t print some drawings needed for a bid… and now the bid isn’t right and my boss has to saw we screwed it up. He was SOOO mad at me earlier. I’ve been here almost 5 years, have never done something like this before, and it was truly an oversight… but I actually cried a little at work today and felt really small. I was relieved he came back to the office and was much nicer, but still…. what an awful way to feel. I’m glad my girls have gymnastics tonight, I need the distraction and I just love to see how much they improve from week to week.

Hi Lizka! Happy to see you here!

Starla….. dang, you go girl. Very impressive!

Sirenity, I’ve dated men who have never been married either, they seem to have just as many problems. And, less interested in commitment. I don’t know ladies, for as good as it feels when it’s good…. it feels just as bad when it isn’t. I haven’t heard from Sweetheart today. Normally he texts me good morning and I call him on my way to work. Neither of us is leaning forward.

I’m leaving here soon. Hope you all have a good night! I’ll check in when I can. Hugs!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:39pm
519: Smile says:

We’ve been seeing each other for 2 months. He doesn’t drive. But he has still been making the effort to come to me. He has paid for everything so far. His energy feels great and is consistent. As far as commitment goes, he tells me how much he enjoys being with me and we’ve shared some vulnerable conversations. He is still married (separated 2years) and he said the other day he now wants to sell their house that they rent at the moment so he can sort his finances out. Thing is I do have money. He would feel de masculined if I offer to pay he described it as humbled. But he did say he would like to go to a restaurant he’s never tried that I love! We joked and said I could take him on a date there. Maybe I could offer that, as it’s light hearted between us so he doesn’t feel humbled?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:39pm
520: Femininewoman says:

Violette – Starla wrote this in 274 above

“Men do test us sometimes. even subconsciously. show him what’s up. too sireny to even nag about that shxt. state what you need clearly and leave it up to him to figure it out. no pinging him to see if he’s planning to step up”

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:41pm
521: Smile says:

513- I love this thank you, curious to know what you think to the offering, as this is something we’ve kind of already set up? Just wondering if it’s appropriate for valentines day? Im kind of traditional on this…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:41pm
522: Femininewoman says:

he did say he would like to go to a restaurant he’s never tried that I love! – I would let him figure it out.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:44pm
523: Violette says:

I feel calmer contemplating all that FW, thank you.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:45pm
524: Miraculously Loved says:

Smile; since he brought it up in conversation, how are you as a cook? I may offer to cook a meal for him before offering to take him out on a date. This could be something a little more intimate and he wouldn’t have to feel the pressure of not being able to pay for dinner? Maybe? I am curious though, have they filed for divorce yet? A separation of 2 years feels very long to me?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:47pm
525: Femininewoman says:

What does it subconsciously communicate to a man when “offering to take him out on a date?”

What do you do to your own subconscious mind?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:50pm
526: Smile says:

FW, I sent him the not needing to spend money speech.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:50pm
527: Femininewoman says:

Smile that would have been my personal choice.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:52pm
528: Turquoise says:

Violette… our guys could be twins, separated, no money and don’t drive. lol. I feel like I shouldn’t write it down, doesn’t sound good!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:52pm
529: Turquoise says:

Whoops, I mean smile!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:53pm
530: Smile says:

Miraculously loved,

Thank you, he has already eaten at mine, I say eaten because I don’t consider that I ‘cooked’ for him. More he just shared what I was having for tea because he was here. He has cooked for me though

2 years… They will lose money on the house if they sell and divorece. He has said though that it has come to the point where he recognises that he needs to sell regardless of the money they will lose. I do know a couple of people who are not divorced for this reason.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:55pm
531: Turquoise says:

Smile, do they live together at the house?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:56pm
532: Iamabutterfly says:

“We often criticize others harshly for things we deny in ourselves: ‘You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you who pass judgment do the same things.’” Romans 2:1

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:56pm
533: Miraculously Loved says:

#522 FW was that question for me or Smile? I feel intrigued by that question…hmm intrigued

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:56pm
534: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so raw, open, vulnerable and open to new learning. I feel guilty, humbled, hopeful, full of wonder, full of curiousity.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:59pm
535: Smile says:

Turquoise yes I have thought this many times.

In the past I would have not even considered a married man, yet I feel so great in his company. This guy can actually ‘do’ relationship. I live how he treats me. I’ve dated guys who are single and not felt this way. He can drive but doesn’t own a car. He seems to have his head screwed on. Having no money I see as a temporary thing, I’ve been there too. He feels responsible and has been quite open.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 1:59pm
536: Smile says:

Turquoise no it’s rented out. They have very little contact apart from occasional business regarding the house.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:00pm
537: Smile says:

525- plus health probs :/

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:06pm
538: Miraculously Loved says:

#529 feel that Iamabutterfly and I will explore this (not sure if it was directed toward me but I accept it (I feel accepting); I know there are certain things I like about people and don’t like. It is more that I want to get away from other peoples projections of their judgments onto me…I love different people and I am a bit of a non conformist and I have a desire for people to understand me deeply..that is what I meant about like or dislike…I do not place judgment on others. What I like and they like are different but not everyone has learned that lesson, so “they”, people that I live around who have roots here and have family here and “fit” get pushed away by my open and accepting belief system…and I don’t prefer to teach it…I want to be around people I can teach about me and I can learn about openly…I feel a difference in that; I am not a gossiper at all as a matter of fact when I explain to people that I don’t want to talk about other people when they are not present I get a bit of a backlash…it hurts me when people do this and other things people do to each other…open communication and sharing that feels good

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:08pm
539: Smile says:

Just curious FW 522- He said … You’ll have to take me sometime… It’s not expensive at all. What if he suggests it, compared to it being offered…?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:09pm
540: Dominique says:

514 – Miraculously Loved – Does it really matter whether others accept your free, feminine spiritedness or not? I understand you would love to find more like spirited/hearted people/women, yet your time is limited.

Can you not simply revel in your own delicious feminine spirit. The dancing is awesome for this as is taking really, really good care of yourself, also becoming even more aware of your senses, sensations, all of it.

And the more you can sink into this feminine essence, the more you will attract like hearted individuals. And maybe from some really unanticipated sources.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:11pm
541: Miraculously Loved says:

Smile, then that is a good sign and if it comes up again you can tell him that it feels fabulous that he sees the need to sell the house and how wise that decision is..in your own words of course.
And however you do dinner is up to you if he is open to receiving it…just a thought =) Good wishes

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:16pm
542: Miraculously Loved says:

There is a lovely thought Dominique; I do my dancing and working out at my house in my gym here…I wonder if there are any dance studios or classes? Hmmmm??

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:18pm
543: GlowStix says:

FW

That song has been randomly playing through my head for like a week! lol

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:19pm
544: Smile says:

Yey, he said that was a lovely thing to say and came up with a fun, creative idea for staying in based on something hd knows I like doing.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:23pm
545: Miraculously Loved says:

I am truly feeling boring right now because I haven’t left my computer due to class stuff. I feel a bit isolated…I feel a desire to get out and explore and I think next week I will have some time to do this it would just be nice to have a friend to drag along with me that is not my guy…or to be dragged along with…lol I know being dragged along sounds like no fun…hehe =)

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:23pm
546: Miraculously Loved says:

Hmmm I do not need their acceptance I am accepting what others want from me which is to go away because they don’t like my openness, so I would lower myself (in a sense) to be accepted?…yuck! Thank you Dominique for that question…I love my style and my clothes and my hair and my body and all of the beautiful things that make me me/why be anything else! Now finding things to do????Hmmm???

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:27pm
547: GlowStix says:

(((dominque))) 537

This speaks to me too. It feels difficult to form bonds with other women in real life, right now. Even lifelong friends and family feel at a greater “distance”, and in one case, actively having a wall up that feels impossible to get past. I accept that this is her wall to build and tear down, and I feel sad.

I would love love love to have a kindred female spirit close by to connect with. And I can “get out there” more, in order to do this.

Actually…This brings to mind an old highschool friend I will be seeing tomorrow via another friend. A lot of what she posts on her FB wall totally revs my spirit and jives with my beliefs. We shall see if we gel after all this time Now I feel excited!!!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:28pm
548: Miraculously Loved says:

FW#508 That makes me want to lean back and feel the warmth of that energy….

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:32pm
549: Miraculously Loved says:

GlowStix: I am excited for you.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 2:36pm
550: Maria says:

Starla,

That’s a great story. It makes me feel positive about my own situation. Thanks for sharing

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:05pm
551: Dominique says:

539 . Miraculoously Loved – The wheels are turning…yay!!! My dance studio is my refuge, my temple, my salvation, my nearly everything, and there are mostly nothing but like hearted women there.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:10pm
552: Dominique says:

GlowStix – 544 – Awesome. I understand not having women with whom to bond, at least not close by. We’ve moved so much plus I work from home, so lots of isolation. As I said, the dance studio saves me. And when I do have the opportunity to meet with a woman now and then, I savor it.

AND I get to bond with SO many amazing women online.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:14pm
553: April Rose says:

Sirenity
“..Remain light , bright, warm and glowing like the honey pot you are!!! Who could resist you?…”

I love this!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:28pm
554: Ulii says:

@ 478

This is awesome too! Thank you for sharing. I feel I learn so much reading how you & QZ are dealing with things that come up.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 3:29pm
555: GlowStix says:

Miraculously loved

Feels good to read, thank you!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 4:54pm
556: GlowStix says:

Dominique

Maybe a new process for me is to relax into female bonding more in person. I do love it in online form lol I want to savour it and I still feel a little tense and nervous. I can reach out. I am safe to do this now. Feels like a big bubble of some energy trying to push it’s way out my body through my mouth. Weird…

I have had female friends all my life, yet I have found it feels difficult to reach out to them, and fully let them into my life. Vulnerable. Moreso than I have ever felt with men. hmmm

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:04pm
557: sha-sha says:

having pretty sad emotional day my puppy died in my arms today. I guess the parasites got into her brain some how! I got so attached to her I can’t believe this happened! A lot of places are selling sick animals its so sad

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:11pm
558: sha-sha says:

I usually only adopt from animal shelters the first time I actually get a petstore puppy it dies WTH is wrong with these ppl.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:15pm
559: Elsie says:

Hi all…..well, I tried to write my story at 301 – not many of you took the bait haha! Anyway – the point is that he totally came back to me today and talked and talked and talked even though yesterday I didnt hear at all from him – today we talked for almost 4 hours.

Heres my question though – oftentimes if he is feeling very attracted to me, he will give me this “look”. Its awesome. and I love it – and I always smile and look down, and he loves it. Anyway – today he was being SO forward with his emotions and our discussion. Anyway – I never really do that to him. So today I did….and he smiled but then he sort of tried to distance himself from him it and I asked him what was up and he said – it makes him uncomfortable when the focus is on him.

ok – that upsets me. I felt rejected. I felt like I was vulnerable and went ahead out on a limb and showed him that in that moment I was very very attracted to him, and I felt like he just brushed me off – he said that wasnt what it was – he just said that he feels very self conscious when someone is just sort of staring at him. Anywya – I dont know. It put me in a fussy mood because I felt rejected.

Am I being silly? It made me feel like that the next time he does that to me, I wont reciprocate to “punish” him…..I know I shouldnt do that, but I feel like it.

Anyway – we had a great night on Monday night, Tuesday I didnt hear from him all day, today I talked to him for 4 hours, so what do you guys all think?

I’m overreacting I’m sure, but I wanted to feel like he knew how attracted to him I was in that moment…..

Thoughts? Help.

Elsie

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:23pm
560: Dominique says:

Elsie – Why do you think you need to reciprocate? Can you not simply enjoy – receive? By staring at him like this, you’re shifting the energy thus upsetting the masculine/feminine energy dynamic. How about expressing attraction by melting into him whether it be in his arms or through your energy?

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:28pm
561: Dominique says:

sha sha – Big hugs to you.

xxoo

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:32pm
562: sha-sha says:

Thanks dominque.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:37pm
563: Turquoise says:

Awwww Sha Sha. I’m so sorry to hear that. It is extremely sad. I always buy from small, home based breeders.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:44pm
564: Elsie says:

@ Dominique – GASP. OMG.

You are 100% right. 100%. Now that I think of it – wow, it really is that simple. Wow. Ok – I’m a bit stunned actually. If you could see my face when I read that you would have laughed.

Wow. Ok – thank you.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 5:57pm
565: sha-sha says:

Turquoise thanks I never found a good home breeder yet all the ppl here seem like all hoaders with the animals…… my vet is telling me we should sue petstore . I googled stuff about this in my state and I found massive amounts of places selling sick animals

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:10pm
566: Tereana says:

Sha-sha, that is so sad about the pet store!!!

Usually, with small animals, there is something like a “30-day guarantee” if the pet dies in that time. That’s because hamsters & such get sick really easily. I’ve never heard of that with a puppy! That’s horrible!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:39pm
567: Tereana says:

Hm..,I’m still percolating that question: do I really want a man?

On some levels (many levels), no. Seems to me, I push them away right now, both consciously and not. I am good at attracting them in. I do nothing, and it happens. But once they are there, I want them gone (generally). I see myself as “fending them off.” like I’m a fortress or something that is under attack, and I have to defend it strongly to keep what’s inside. I don’t even know what’s inside that’s so important. Feels like: my dignity, my safety, my integrity. My very value as a human being is in there, and if I just once let them in, it will be gone. They’ll steal it. And I’ll have no value left…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:45pm
568: Maria says:

@Elsie

It does seem like you’re over functioning a little. As if you’re trying to control the outcome. I’m working on this myself. I’ve been overfunctiong forever it seems lol But when I finally leaned back I got more of what I wanted without asking for it. That felt great!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:50pm
569: Tereana says:

I am afraid of men. They scare me. They seem unpredictable and dangerous. They can hurt me easily. And their sexual organs fill me with both dread. I try to ignore them when I’m having sex, and focus on how I’m feeling. But often, I’m feeling nothing, because I’m not even “there.” and it’s hard to ignore what I see…

And yet, and yet – I am still attracted to men. I DO fall in love easily. It happens, when I’m not even looking. Right when I think I’m so “cool” and aloof, bam! There it goes. Suddenly, I’m liking him, wanting him, thinking what a good man he is, and how I’d be such a great partner.

Ugh…I’m hopeless. This is never going to work. Lol

Because if any guy I like actually did or does get into a relationship with me, I will just repel him, because of this deep, unnamable fear I don’t even understand. It’s happened, every time. And so that’s why I’m pushing them away consciously now. Before we get to that point. Before one or both of us gets hurt, or gets our hopes up.

Its sad and lonely in here. But at least I feel safe-er, -ish…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 6:53pm
570: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so whiney, teary, pouty, and immature!!!! Exhausted. but I wanted type it out!!!! waaaaaaaah.

…

((((((((Tereana))))))))))))

I feel such empathy towards you!

My word, I feel like pitching a four year old style fit….

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:00pm
571: Femininewoman says:

Elsie believe that he knows you are attracted to him. You don’t have to prove anything. I know many men who feel self conscious under that type of focus. One told me he does not want anyone focussing on him. This guy is showing you how he wants to lead the relationship dance. He wants you to receive what he is giving.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:09pm
572: Emoticon says:

Today I feel just so dissatisfied with my life. I want to do something to change, to feel better about it, to make my life a bit better, but I feel so stuck, so lost and so powerless.

UGH

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:10pm
573: Iamabutterfly says:

@538 Miraculously Loved – It totally wasn’t directed toward you (or anybody, really) I just felt moved and curious by it and felt a little guilty too…I struggle with judging other people BIG TIME!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:12pm
574: Iamabutterfly says:

((((((Elsie)))))) (((((((Emoticon)))))

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:15pm
575: sha-sha says:

Turquoise…. I agree with U on that! She came with the 30days but its over that by a week…. I lost a part of my family

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:17pm
576: Elsie says:

I think you all are right – I”m totally overfunctioning. And I’m not allowing him to lead when I do that. Things always feel so much better when he is leading. I just need to remember to let him do that.

Thanks for all the support – as per usual this place is awesome.

Elsie

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:27pm
577: Emoticon says:

thank you iamabutterfly

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 7:41pm
578: k2012 says:

“as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.” Wow, I suppose that’s the reason some of us women take so long to meet good men who could become our husbands. One failed relationship after another.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:12pm
579: GlowStix says:

mmmm soul embraced. Cold water and warm beds and senses filled with potent beauty. I feel still.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:49pm
580: k2012 says:

………”and I mentioned once again that I get stressed around text messaging and prefer talking on the phone, even though it’s always nice to hear from him. His response was that he’d like me to call him, like initiate contact! I’ve already told him a couple of times I’m not comfortable with that in the beginning because it feels like chasing and he still wants it. It worries me because it feels like he wants to be with a more masculine woman or something…I don’t get it. Anyway tonight we have plans…and he texted me, where are we meeting? First of all I want him to pick me up, not meet me. Second, he clearly doesn’t give a crap that I’d prefer a phone call. I’m just pissed off.”. Violette Post 506, I am glad I saw this cause its the same situation I am in. But before I share my story with u, I must first ask 1. Are u in a committed relationship or is it circular dating? 2. Either way, how long have u been involved with him or circular dating him? I have been reading the blog for about 2 hours. I read most of the comments on here. I am so exhausted from work and although I have work to do, a girl’s gotta rest. Ok. Will be working from home tomorrow. Anyway, I have the same problem Violette. Hope u will see this. First, I am not involved in a relationship with this guy. I met him online via our alumni on facebook so we are chatting and interacting from December and has clearly indicated to me that he wants a relationship. When he told me that, the first time, I thought that he would ask for my number so I assumed afterward that he wasn’t interested. When he told me a second time, I told him I was surprised as he doesn’t call me and further more it would be long distance and I figured that maybe he didn’t like long distance. He said he doesn’t like the phone. I have told him about 3 times that I am tired of messaging only and that we should have transferred to the phone a long time ago. We have been talking from December. He said “don’t be discouraged and that I will soon hear his voice. He did say that he is going to come to our country to visit me one weekend. But like u, I feel that if I initiate contact, I would be chasing. I didn’t tell him that though. Maybe I have to say that, I don’t know. I am now tired of bringing up the subject and have been leaning back for a few days, concluding that maybe he is not interested. I wrote Michael Fiore about it but I got a response from one of his support staff- a lady who said just like what FW said that some guys hate the telephone. When I told my sister who lives with me and hairdresser/relationship counsellor, they were both shocked. I know if I tell my other sister overseas, she is going to be shocked to. My sister who lives with me is saying that is a red flag and is wondering if he is afraid of communicating/has a communication problem. Now I get it that a man will not take up the phone and call their friend for 30 mins, just like what we will do. Men are not like that. But I figure that if he was interested, he would want to hear my voice. So I started leaning back and hardly messaging unless he initiates it. For eg. Tonight and last night and the night before, either of us, especially him would initiate contact by instant message. So when I notice him not contacting me, I started to wonder if he is losing interest. Will continue in another post as this is too long.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:49pm
581: Turquoise says:

Hi Sirens, I re-read a lot of the posts today and a few jumped out at me. Thank you FW, I know I was being defensive last night, but would you rather be right or happy really stood out. Also what you wrote about stopping and looking at the person, friend or for, what is their intention and going from there. I always want people to give me the benefit of the doubt… So I should reciprocate and at least stop and think about it!
I never blame my actions on my hormones, but I don’t know what was wrong with me yesterday? I got all bent out if shame because an 8 year olds basketball game got rescheduled. My back hurts, I’m getting my period this weekend, and I’m chalking this one up to that. I would prefer we make firmer plans, but I was way more upset about that yesterday than what the situation called for. Plus, I didn’t even think about using my feeling messages!

So, I did lean forward after work and apologized for being snippy and said I hoped his dr. Appointment went well. I had no expectation, but it felt like what i should do, and waiting for him to write me first was more about my pride than anything else. He wrote me back right away, filing me in on his day, asking about mine, acting like nothing had happened. He wrote me again later tonight, more chatting about our days, both of us laughing about getting older, normal stuff. We chatted for a long time and then he said he was going to bed and would talk to me tomorrow. I don’t know if he thought things were ok, or if he was already over it, but I feel much better that it’s past. I had a really rough day at work. Maybe we will talk about it in person. Nothing that can’t wait, if it even comes up. I’m not sure it needs to. My issue with not feeling my time is respected is something I need to work on myself.

I’m leaning back now, not offering to go pick him up or anything. We do have tickets to a dinner show Sunday with my sisters and their significant others so I’ll see him then. I’m going to plan some fun things for myself, and focus on enjoying my weekend, whether I see him or not. If he asks and I’m free, great. I’d love to see some friends and laugh with them. I need some girl time and pampering too. It would be nice to cuddle with him though. Would feel good to be in his arms.

Really looking forward to taking my girls for Valentine manicures! They were amazing at gymnastics tonight. I’m so completely happy being their mother. I’m so grateful to have happy, healthy, sweet daughters. I’m blessed.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 9:20pm
582: Tereana says:

I just had an amazing night of doing some deep, inner work with a lot of amazing women. It’s pretty great to know that we can all have similar needs, when it comes to learning about listening and communicating and being in relationship. And it was really, really profound to be able to practice some skills in real time. I kind of wish I had safe, open people to practice with all the time. But for now, I’m grateful for the experience that I had…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:15pm
583: k2012 says:

Continuing from previous post. I started to wonder if he was losing interest. Last week I mentioned again that we should be talking on the phone and he sent his phone number and I sent mine. He did not call. I told him that I couldn’t call as my mins were up and I would not get new mins till february starts. I continued leaning back hardly messaging. We messaged on Saturday and I called but he was in the shower. He was going to work and said I could call 11 am. I looked at my phone later on to check the time, saw that it was 11 am and DID NOT CALL although I remembered. No contact was made until tuesday morning initiated by HIM. He messaged today and said that he missed me and that he was busy with work and meetings for a sport that he plays. He says he is going out of state this weekend to play in a tournament. When I hear he said he missed me, I said to myself, “yes man, they always lean forward when we women lean back.” He said I could call him if I am up to it. I wonder if he is testing me as Violette mentioned with her guy. He said he hates the phone but if u are interested in a woman, talking once a week on the phone can’t kill u. Don’t if I will call him. Don’t know yet. For those of u who know my story with disappearing ex,Hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift told me that this guy (overseas cd) is the same thing as disappearing ex. It is surprising that not only both men are born in the same month as myself but their birthdays are 2 days apart. That was a shocker. When I told hairdresser that their birthday was 2 days apart, she was shocked. There a few similarities between them, all coincidence but hairdresser says that they overseas cd and disappearing ex are the same( in other words will exhibit the same characteristics). She is not talking off the top of her head but because of her spiritual gift, she is able to piclk up these things. She said he is just passing through, that is, overseas cd. Just tonight I started to wonder if overseas cd wants a friends with benefits. Of course, I don’t want that cause like most women, or some women, from I sleep with a man, I get attached. He words say relationship but his actions say “friends with benefits.” Violette, I hope u see this. When I told my sister overseas about what Rori said about no calls, no emails etc cause that is chasing, she said but if u don’t call, the man might think u are not interested. So I told her that Rori was talking about the beginning of a relationship and then I saw FW’s comment about “unless u are in a commoitted relationship that’s the only time u initiate calling etc. So I don’t know if I will call him weekend as he requested. We will see. Maybe I should tell him that it feels like chasing too. I don’t know. I can’t be bothered.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:25pm
584: Tereana says:

So, there’s this guy…darnit

We tried dating a while back, around the time of my birthday (in the spring). I’ve always known he was attracted to me. And it was okay, but I told him I wasn’t really “feeling it,” and we agreed to stay friends. And we are.

So, recently, I stayed over at his house. He was the first person to offer when he saw that I was having trouble (I posted my homelessness to Facebook). I slept on the couch and nothing “happened.” and yet, he was clearly still attracted to me. And at the time, I felt cool about it. But now my hormones are all crazy. I had SUCH a fun time. I can’t even tell you. It was just…fun. We were laughing, joking around.

I feel anxious about one response I had to something that was good-natured, but could be labeled “crazy.” ok, I guess I’m judging myself there. I don’t know that he is…

But the point is, I had such a great time, that I’m starting to wonder…maybe he’s not so bad? Maybe the noisy kissing is ok? I just don’t want him to see me as a random girl that he wants to “get it on” with. He swears that’s never what he thought. And yet, it’s an automatic concern. Maybe I can relax a bit.

The hardest thing is to stay silent and do nothing. I have all kinds of reasons to contact him. I kind of want to talk about what I’m feeling, but I don’t know where to start.

Should I ask? Should I make an appointment? Should I just stay silent and wait for things to “unfold”?

I know I’m a hot mess right now. I should not be looking for, or asking to be in a relationship. And yet, now I’m feeling something different, which is a very pleasant feeling.

Maybe I should just hold onto the feeling and…feel it. Maybe I don’t have to “do” anything, or talk about it, or ask for the chance to talk about it. Maybe for now I can just…let it be.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:30pm
585: Tereana says:

Here is my one gripe: The guy (k) is pretty bad about responding to calls and texts sometimes. Sometimes he is great. I think he is just oblivious. But I think right now, he can sense that there is more going on under the surface, even though I am making a show of being normal and “cool” and unconcerned.

Also, I’m aware that I’m not really asking for what I want. And now that I’ve noticed that, I feel kind of bad about that. But I also don’t know where to start. Where I feel like I “like” someone, I feel blocked from asking for my wants or needs. Whereas, when I don’t have that feeling, then I have no problem with it.

And what does that feel like inside? That feels like “drama.” it feels like conflict – the tension of what I want vs. what I don’t have. It feels futile. It makes me have a little bit of resentment for the other person. But really, this is all about me, and my stuff, and what I am choosing to ask or not ask for…hm,..I wonder if I still have an opportunity to correct this and get something what I want/need…

I often wait to receive what I want or need, without having to ask for it, because that’s easier.

NATO

[no attachment to outcome]

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 10:38pm
586: k2012 says:

Hi Tereana how are u? Seems like we are the only ones awake. I will soon be going to my bed anyway. But I am going to suggest that u go with the flow. He might very well feel your energy and pick up that u are changing your mind. Give him subtle hints but don’t chase him. See my posts above. U seem confused as to what u should do. I understand.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:00pm
587: Heart says:

I feel heavy-headed…
my mind feels weighty …and tight…can a mind feel tight? well mine does…
I feel figure-it-all-out-ish
I know I’m scared…
I’m terrified of falling for someone that will ill-treat me or cheat on me or cause me pain…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:08pm
588: Heart says:

I feel desperate to bring the focus back to myself…
I want to run away…
piece of me is happy to be leaving…
I feel Angry
I Want a breath of fresh air…
I want an ocean breeze….
I want to Feel Good.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:19pm
589: Heart says:

I feel guilty for writing that…

Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 11:35pm
590: Heart says:

I feel bored

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:18am
591: Heart says:

i want something exciting to happen Now!
Come on Universe!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:19am
592: Heart says:

yawn

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:38am
593: Lizka says:

Coming here and write yesterday felt good. For the first day in a few weeks I felt way more calm around Cheri and didnt feel like controlling anything.

I feel like relaxing and enjoying the ride.

We had an intense discussion in the morning and we decided not to buy the appartment right away… I’ll let you know later what’s up with that.

For now I just wanted to wish you all a great day!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 3:32am
594: Heart says:

I want to feel hopeful.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:05am
595: Tam says:

Feeling a little lonely..and a little hopeless.
It’s gone very quiet around me…seems some people just dropped off the face of the earth….and professionally nothing is happening despite my renewed enthusiastic efforts. Efforts in the old job and efforts to branch out into something new.
I feel worn out by trying so hard all the time.
Pfff.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:31am
596: Turquoise says:

Good morning Sirens. I feel a little bored too, I’m tired of being sick and my string of bad luck seems to be continuing. I hit my head off the wall this morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, buty energy feels off. I’m going to take a hot shower, put on some music and wear something pretty to work today. Maybe that will help!

Happiness is a choice. Do I want to feel bored or happy? Happy. Time to find something to get happy about, and tomorrow is Friday, so very happy about that!!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:59am
597: Vi says:

I want something. MH thinks it to be not a good idea, defending his point of view (meanwhile I start to feel angry and almost furious, of course). Eventually he agrees and then I start to think that okay maybe I could wait for some time, as he advises.
Vi, do you need someone to disagree with you on this? Do you fully believe you can handle having that? Will you feel good having it? …No, I won’t… The truth is I feel not good enough right now to have it. ‘Mirror, mirror’…
It’s okay. Maybe I would want to have a couple of steps up the ladder before I feel completely comfortable of having that. It’s okay to baby step. I don’t want to beat you up, Vi for feeling less comfortable with having that, than you might want. I love you Vi. You are a smart kid, you are doing great.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:59am
598: Femininewoman says:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me -

((((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))))) nothing is wrong with you.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:13am
599: Turquoise says:

Thank you FW, I just don’t feel like myself. I hate being sick. I know no one likes it, but I hardly ever get sick and it must be throwing me off. Sick, hormonal and a hurt knee. Hmmm.

Love to me, love to me, live to me. I will act as if this is the greatest Thursday ever. I do like my outfit.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:20am
600: Lizka says:

((((((((((Sick siren Turquoise))))))))))

Take some extra care if yourself today! Why not sending yourself flowers? Or drinking a warming tea?

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:26am
601: Lizka says:

Today I want to focus on not texting Cheri all day. Often I just send him an “I love you”. I can’t help myself. Instead, I will send all that love in the Universe with a warm smile for him.

I’m at the garage for my oil change right now. It’s funny but I’m excited to be here. I have a full hour for myself to read the blog and I brought my favourite book so it’s really me time before heading back to work.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:29am
602: Femininewoman says:

This was a huge email so I am only posting a piece

If you want someone to feel attraction for you, your best chance is to flirt outrageously with them FROM THE VERY FIRST MOMENT THAT YOU MEET THEM.

If you act shy or disinterested around someone
the first time you meet them, you’re going to find
it EXTRA-HARD to shake off that persona and reveal
your true, confident, bubbly and friendly self.

Why?

Because they’ll have ALREADY PIGEONHOLED you as a certain type of person. Changing the way you act will seem disjointed and insincere, and will give
an impression of you as the sort of person who acts a “role” for the benefit of others.

Obviously, this isn’t something that most men find attractive – most men would prefer a woman whose irrepressible high spirits, intelligence, and good humor shone through from the very first moment they met her!

First impressions are formed in the first 5 seconds to 5 minutes of meeting a new person – and they tend to stick.

So, if you were having a bad day and you were feeling grumpy and out-of-sorts, chances are they
now think of you as a sulky, complaining GRIPER.

Even if you’re normally the sweetest, most
outgoing and charismatic person in the world under
OTHER circumstances, you have to bear in mind the
fact that – for them – the way you acted when they
first met you constituted 100% of their impression
of you.

They don’t know that normally you’re funny and
cool. All they know is that you seemed distant and
stand-offish, and complained about your
job/day/blisters from your new shoes when asked
how you were …

… therefore, that is the ‘type’ of person you
are to this person.

Making a great first impression is VITAL if you
want people to think well of you.

And if you want someone to be ATTRACTED to you, then you have to act, FROM THE BEGINNING, in a manner that encourages attraction.

Basically, you have to be a flirt. And you can’t think twice about it – you just have to DO it.

Before you start to hyperventilate, you may need me to remind you of one, pertinent fact:

FLIRTING IS FUN!

Here’s a helpful analogy for you: flirting is like child’s play for adults.

You know how kids play with one other – and that that’s how they relate to one another?

They’re not trying to ACHIEVE anything through their games. They don’t particularly care if they win or lose. They’re just as happy playing games they made up themselves as they are playing pre-fabricated games.

The play itself is its own reward. It’s how kids evaluate one another, relate to one another, and make friends.

Of course, adults don’t have those particular
avenues open to us.

We’re not likely to charge up to the nearest adult and ask if they want to go roll down the hill inside a cardboard box, chase one another round the house, or play an extended game of “G.I. Joe versus Barbie”.

Instead, we scope one another out by FLIRTING.
It’s how we figure out what people are like, how
interesting they are, how creative and confident
they are, and what they’d probably be like as a
partner – and as a lover.

Someone who’s laughing, chatting to others, and
clearly having a good time is likely to be much more fun, entertaining, and creative as a partner (and in bed) than someone who’s poker-faced, sitting tightly in the corner and averting their eyes whenever eye contact is attempted.

This is why women who are laid-back, giggly,
and playful most of the time are the ones who do
the best with men.

I mean, men don’t usually want an airhead for a
girlfriend, or to hang out with somebody who
punctuates each sentence with a high-pitched,
earful-of-candy-floss giggle.

But they DO want to know that their potential
girlfriend is capable of having fun, relaxing, and
getting on with people easily.

The best way of demonstrating those qualities
in yourself? By FLIRTING.

Mirabelle Summers

I have to admit I have a friend who is a shameless flirt and I see how she draw men in like flies. When I watch her I have to wonder, I just don’t know how she comfortably does it. But I tell her all the time, I am learning from her.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:51am
603: Turquoise says:

Thanks Lizka!

I’m switching things up today, different perfume, gold instead of silver jewelry…. Less boring

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:53am
604: Femininewoman says:

“The best flirts don’t rely on heavy conversational topics (Republican versus Democrat, the state of the environment, your big fight you had with your mom the other day) to make friends and enchant the opposite sex. They know the value of keeping things LIGHT.

Here’s the thing about flirting: it’s an attitude to life. It’s not something that you turn on and off like a switch – it’s a LIFESTYLE”.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:54am
605: Femininewoman says:

“FLIRTING MYTH #2 EXPOSED: “You should only
flirt with the people you’re attracted to. Otherwise, you’ll get a reputation as a tease.”

Here’s the truth: you should learn to flirt with EVERYONE.

Remember, flirting doesn’t mean giggling huskily, touching men on the upper thigh when you speak to them, and undoing the top 3 buttons on your blouse.

It simply means engaging in conversation with
people whenever the opportunity presents itself.

If you wait until you see someone you’re actually attracted to before you start flirting, you probably won’t be any good at it. You won’t have had any opportunity to hone your skills, and you’ll be nervous.

When you flirt with everyone, you build your
confidence. You realize that conversation is nothing to be afraid of. And you get good at it at the same time!

So the next time you’re in the line for popcorn at the movies, turn round to the guy behind you (heaving a big, dramatic sigh), and say something
like, “Gee, isn’t this fun? I LOVE waiting in line, don’t you?”

The idea isn’t to get a phone number or a date out of it. You’re just broadening the sphere of your general social interactions, to get some practice in for when you really NEED it!

Or, if you’re really not used to creating your own social interactions, set yourself this simple goal: to say “hi” to six men per day.

It doesn’t matter whether they’re attractive or not, it doesn’t matter whether you’d date them or not.

Just smile, say “hi”, and walk on.

The aim is to accustom yourself to short, sweet
interactions with strangers, to warm you up to the
idea of eventual conversation.

“Hi” is perfect – it’s undemanding, your whole ego isn’t at stake (I mean, the worst that can happen is that he won’t say “Hi” back), and it’s over quickly.

FLIRTING MYTH #3 EXPOSED: “Flirting is about
sexuality. If you want to flirt well, you should be as sexy and suggestive as possible.”

Here’s the truth: flirting is NOT about seduction.

It’s not about stroking your decolletage suggestively when you talk to a man.

It’s not about pulling out your lipstick and slowly, sexily painting your lips vamp-red when you’re in the middle of a conversation.

And it’s NOT about fawning all over guys, touching them whenever possible, and pressing your breasts against them when you walk past them in doorways.

Good flirting is about HINTING.

The primary ingredients of any flirtatious conversation?

Humor!

Not sex – HUMOR. “

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:01am
606: Beloved says:

598

I don’t know what’s wrong with me -

((((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))))) nothing is wrong with you

~
This is coming up all over the place this morning…!
Last night I dreamed I approached a woman, feeling very clear and open
she was verbally combative and I asked her something about being defensive – as she responded with a stream of epithets, I *got* it and got all excited and realized,
“Oh, she’s believing something is wrong with her and it’s like she’s chasing her tail!”
I felt SO happy to discover this and felt deeply connected with the woman and whipped out a laptop and started ‘reprogramming’ the software.

I’ve been turning something over in my mind with a friend who disappeared after a heated conversation back in October who popped up again via texting “I love you!” with no explanation or acknowledgment of weirdness or that it had been 3 months since I heard from her last.

I responded that I felt mindf*cked, and that my feelings for her and her daughter were too strong for me to be okay with her dipping in and out of my life on her terms.
Truth be told, I felt relieved when she disappeared. I was feeling more and more drained by being around her and I really just wanted her to go away.

What do I need to see here?
What do I need to learn?

Feeling close with her and G awakened my desires for community, family, mothering

Maybe I didn’t respect her as a mother
because I felt like I was a better mother than her because she has what I feel like are unrealistic expectations of a 3yr. old –
like
having a complete and utter meltdown when her daughter would say, “I hate you”, and holding the little one responsible for her feelings, giving her WAY too much power over her mom, and then wondering why the little one felt so unstable???
Because the big ones are supposed to be in charge! And when they aren’t, the little ones know it isn’t safe when they have so much control over an adult.

So
what am I spinning over here?
What do I need to see?
Where can my mind rest and find peace in this?

I don’t want to feel lovingkindness toward her
I feel like I “should”
but I feel angry that a woman would beat her daughter as means of venting her frustration
and I couldn’t act like I wasn’t bothered and like it was okay with me, because it isn’t
and it wasn’t serious enough to call authorities
so
what I did what I think friends/adults are supposed to do
and her actions showed she didn’t want to discuss it with me, (and I do know, that NOBODY wants to feel criticized as a parent and I wasn’t criticizing her but she obviously heard it that way)
but wanted to pop back into my life with the “love and light!” line
Oh
Is there really nothing I can do about someone who is so defensive she can’t hear what I’m really saying
through her own guilt and shame? She actually DID abandon her daughter and is unable to admit her actions had harmful consequences
I don’t blame her

but
why can’t i get along with her when EVERYONE else seems to just fine???
Does nobody else see how she treats her daughter?
Did I catch a glimpse nobody else sees?
Does “everyone” else just think it’s normal?
Do I just bring out the worst in her and somehow others bring out the best?
If so
then
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Letting it go for now,
get some work done

what do you think???

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:16am
607: Femininewoman says:

================================
FLIRTING – AN UNFORGETTABLE WOMAN’S
#1 WEAPON
================================

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:23am
608: Femininewoman says:

So my advice? Go out there. Start going to meetings and parties. And when a nice guy asks you out, for
goodness’ sake, PLEASE COOPERATE! Meet him for lunch or coffee. What could possibly go wrong?
I know – it can be hard in the beginning. But there’s no way around it
- meeting people is the single best way to “detox” yourself of shyness.

Don’t believe me? Then maybe you’ll believe Jessica Alba, Kate Moss, Angelina Jolie, and Lady Gaga.
These are all Hollywood A-listers who, believe it or not, are EXTREMELY shy.

They’ve all admitted several times in their careers – they’re painfully shy women. They’d much rather spend time at home, tending to themselves and their families, than be in the limelight.

But did they let their shyness stop them? Nope!
They WENT OUT THERE, they MET PEOPLE, they DID THEIR THING, and they HAD FUN.

“So here’s my advice for you – if you want to be successful in the dating game, and if you want to get rid of the last bits of shyness from your system,
then you MUST learn how to flirt.”

Alexandra Fox

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:28am
609: Iamabutterfly says:

It IS the greatest Thursday ever!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:34am
610: Dominique says:

Elsie – 564 – Aren’t light bulbs moments fun?

Sending love.

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:43am
611: Ulii says:

@ 569

((((((Tereana))))))

“And their sexual organs fill me with both dread. I try to ignore them when I’m having sex, and focus on how I’m feeling. ”

I can so relate to this. Don’t know exactly why, but it has been happening to me even when I’m feeling in love.

I wonder if it might be because I let my own neediness for touch & arousal and men’s desire push me to have sex or level of physical intimacy I wasn’t internally not yet ready on all the levels. I thought I was, but the feelings I had after told me otherwise.

Now I try to listen to my feelings more and go slow. I know I need to feel completely safe and unafraid with the man, also fully respected for letting him “in”. And that certainly takes some time and getting to know eachother. If I follow this, then I don´t feel afraid of men anymore. I have yet to see if it also applies to their sexual organs, because we have not yet had sex with the man I´m practicing this now with.

By the way I looked at your webpage. That was really sweet, and you do look so cute & beautiful!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:50am
612: Heart says:

I slept over at CudG’s place this week. We Did Not Have s-ex …but we slept together & snuggled and brushed our teeth together
and it felt so good..
but I left thinking -omg I need to end this…I can’t handle the casualness..
but I miss him now
I just want to be back at his apartment
I feel out of place in my own…
He’s not even my boyfriend
I’ve been trying to calm my nasty voice down…the tyrant is o overdrive…
I’m angry at myself & happy and hopeful and preparing for the worst…

And I know everyone says : Choose trust..
but choosing trust for me
is like someone saying: Go throw yourself off a building and you’ll fly!
Uh huh …ok…I can’t just ignore gravity!

I need to regroup & focus on myself…
I like the me I am when I’m with CudG…
Every siren needs a sailor…

And yet…I want to just drop him altogether…I feel like He Cannot give me what I want…
but then I don’t even know What I want!
SOS…
He did not make Weekend or Valentine’s day plans with me…
I can’t help but believe that He is a Waste of my time…
But also I feel relieved…I partly feel peaceful by the casualness…I feel pressured
He’s a mirror…
He’s reflects my emotional world…

I feel good with him..I feel bad…I feel safe…I feel unsafe..
I am…I’m not …
I feel unsatisfied…
is he thinking of me?
is he with someone else…

I’ll be ok…I feel tired and bored…
I want a love song.
I feel uninspired.
I feel like I just keep seeing a man who is acting Very Careful in his approach.
I want to go on a trip!
I feel excited thinking about it!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 6:55am
613: Dominique says:

Turquoise – 599 – Maybe your body’s way of begging you to rest more, take even better care?

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:03am
614: Femininewoman says:

trust for me
is like someone saying: Go throw yourself off a building and you’ll fly!

This is how I see trust too. So I acknowledge I have never really been able to trust so I am choosing it now as I free fall.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:07am
615: Dominique says:

BeLoved – 606 – Maybe she’s not ready to hear your message. Maybe it’s still too painful for her to accept. Yes you have planted a seed, and maybe this seed will take root and sprout one day. And maybe you’ll even get the opportunity to see this.

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:12am
616: Dominique says:

The thing with choosing trust is that it is difficult for most everyone. It’s not usually something which just happens because you told yourself to do so. So you choose it over and over and over again, in each and every moment if necessary, until or unless it’s proven to you otherwise.

Does this help?

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:16am
617: Miraculously Loved says:

good morning ladies! what a great day to make dreams happen!
#605 FW I flirt with women all the time then…lol So funny and makes me giggly. I have been asked out by so many women. A woman walked out of the library one day and said “If I were a lesbian I’d sleep with you tonight” a little weird at the library but ok…lol
Then on the other hand men love to have conversations too and its perfectly fine…It happens in the gym a lot and particularly with younger men but its just friendly, lighthearted conversation and makes me feel lovely…

Anyway; made some phone calls to get into some dance studios today to break this midwinter boredom phase. I feel adventurous and productive!
The I also called some music studios to start back in music. I told my fiancé last night that I just love to preform and it gives me something to work for. Maybe not everyone needs that but I do! Being stuck at a computer all day drags me down and I feel all drained…activity excites me and working on something empowers me.
I must get back to my work and study for my quiz tonight but wow what fun!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:24am
618: Mercedes says:

Dominique: This is exactly what I went through…exactly. “The thing with choosing trust is that it is difficult for most everyone. It’s not usually something which just happens because you told yourself to do so. So you choose it over and over and over again, in each and every moment if necessary, until or unless it’s proven to you otherwise.”

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:32am
619: Annie says:

Not a biggy, feels odd though.

Reminiscing about past dates.

One couldn’t do enough, really attentive going out of his way to please.
And the energy coming towards me felt so good.
All my dates with him felt great.
The energy felt good, apart that he appeared to want me to be a business minded woman and driven more in that area.
This is not who or what I am.
And started to get a bit pushy/ suggestive about sex. I made it quite clear that I do not want or do casual sex.

Another, way too full on, felt really scary, slightly exciting and yes felt energy well and truly coming towards me but way too scary. Wanting to touch my legs and hair in public on first date. Loads of compliments, giving me gifts and trying to get me in his car and back to his house.
Not bloody likely.

Another, quirky and interesting, too feminine really, still felt energy well and truly coming at me.
And feels very likeable and easy to be with.
The bit that felt odd.
Invited me for coffee.
Then at last minute to join for lunch first if I fancied it.
Was too short notice so stuck to coffee.
Felt good and easy relaxed to with, was dithering about cakes.
Felt confused.
He never offered me a cake or in the end bought himself one.
Was very honest and said later he was tempted to buy a cakes but didn’t want to sit there eating one without buying me one as he would feel guilty. And that he would have had the cake if I hadn’t have been there.
Another couple of things came up afterwards in chats.
A few different scenarios where he chose social obligation over what he said he wanted to do really and said he would feel guilty and that it was down to his catholic upbringing.

I get the last bit.
It felt weird not to be offered a cake, when he had been more than willing to buy me dinner.

Any thoughts?

Feel unsure if I felt off just not being offered the cake, or if it felt deeper than that.

Actually it feels deeper than that.
I just feel unable to put my finger on it.

I feel best trust my gut that although I feel easy in his company that something is off.

Actually all three men all commented how easy they felt in my company how easy I was to be with.

Feel unsure why any of them showed up and what messages they were here to bring me though.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:53am
620: Beloved says:

Ohh….
I’m seeing now…
I was totally preoccupied with myself
I even dreamed that I was talking to myself, saying I need to see things from her perspective, but I couldn’t.
It would have been kinder and more loving to say,
“Hey, it’s been 3 months, what the heck happened???
I feel sad.
I wasn’t feeling kind and loving,
I felt attacking
the whole thing was difficult, difficult with her
but she’s not a CD, she’s a friend

I wasn’t wrong to feel attacking, only
I see that
Believing something was wrong with me kept me from seeing her

There’s more bubbling up…
Hmm…

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:55am
621: Annie says:

I just read your post re trust Dominque.

Actually that feels weird I was about to say, that I believe they ll showed up with the message to trust myself in the moment which I did

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:59am
622: Starla says:

test test
my comments stopped showing up yesterday

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:13am
623: Mel says:

I had the coolest dream last night.

I took a different way home along a road that was sort of like a causeway that passed right through the middle of a large still lake. The water was glassy grey and seemed peaceful and calm. The sky was white like a canvas.

The road was meandering and gently serpentine. I was walking.

Along the left side of the road were these fantastic buildings being constructed right out of the water. They were tall and made of interesting bits of recycled/re-purposed steel. The base of one of the buildings was a bunch of stainless barrels welded together in a cool configuration.

There were mechanical cranes (not the birds) working and I looked up to see one tall building getting “put together” I felt in awe.

I was all alone but didn’t feel lonely. There were no cars on the road, or other people. There was a sense of “construction” happening, but no visible workers. Just the cranes.

The buildings were super cool and fantastic and beautiful. Some were wild colors. I kept thinking “I have to bring Mr. A here sometime…”

At the end of the path, the road dipped below the water as it went underneath an overpass. I could see that it wasn’t deep, so I continued. The water was up to my waist and I felt a little afraid, but kind of excited too. I held on to a railing and kept going.

When I emerged from the water, I saw someone and asked for directions to home. They pointed me to a road and I headed towards it. That’s when I woke up.

Strangely enough, I felt damp (sweaty) when I woke up. As if my brain has fabricated the “water” bit to explain the dampness.

It felt like such a peaceful vivid dream!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:15am
624: Starla says:

I had so much fun yesterday. It was a much needed break. My job gave me the afternoon off, and QZ took advantage of that extra time by paying me a visit. Then he took me to dinner and we went to a concert. I love that he doesn’t drink, and we could just enjoy the music together without getting all wasted and stupid. He is a rare, special man. I just love him. And my friends didn’t drink either…. they were all “oh we’re on a detox diet” or “i drove here…”

i feel sooo happy that my friends have turned into very responsible people:). Everyone used to party so hard. It’s nice to see them making other things their priorities now.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:18am
625: Femininewoman says:

Wow Mel. Before I finished reading that I had to go back to the top as I was wondering what the!! Then I realized it was a dream. I felt so drawn into the story that it felt real. It is no wonder people get drawmn into each other when we share a passion. It feels vivid and real.

I love this – was all alone but didn’t feel lonely – It created in me a sense of trust as of being one with everything around me. I really feel like playing with that thought.

Thanks for sharing.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:24am
626: Annie says:

618: Mercedes says:

“Dominique: This is exactly what I went through…exactly. “The thing with choosing trust is that it is difficult for most everyone. It’s not usually something which just happens because you told yourself to do so. So you choose it over and over and over again, in each and every moment if necessary, until or unless it’s proven to you otherwise.”

Much Love,
Mercedes”

Wanted to know if you are meaning choosing to trust the other person or do you mean trusting yourself in every moment?

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:26am
627: Starla says:

mel that’s a wild dream!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:26am
628: Mel says:

It really FELT real FW… I feel curious what it means. It is still vivid in my mind even hours after waking up!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:26am
629: Indigo says:

Tam 492

Thanks It felt calm to write it.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:27am
630: Indigo says:

Feminine Woman 493

Thank you so much It feels wonderful to have my courage applauded

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:29am
631: Femininewoman says:

Is anyone gonna take advantage of Rori’s Valentine Special – 8 programs for the price of 2?

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:29am
632: Indigo says:

Aawww CurvySiren 495

Thank you that made me glow. It is my deepest truth and I’m so glad it touched you. X

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:31am
633: GlowStix says:

On the topic of self trust…I posted this earlier to my FB:

“Yesyesyes! This stuff is great this morning! Woot! I trust me. I trust that I will know exactly how to say anything that might possibly need saying, when anything possible show up in our relationship. Yes.”

Ok…Looks a little vague out of context.

To me, self trust feels light and like freedom of movement. It is a knowledge that I can not do or say the wrong thing because I know I do and speak from the center of myself and from my feelings. My feelings are never “wrong” because they just are. There is no changing them, only shifting them or re-framing them. In this way, I trust that I can’t do wrong by me. I love me, and that’s just the way it is.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:39am
634: Turquoise says:

Great news! Sweetheart got cleared to drive!!! Whew, a step in the right direction.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:40am
635: Mercedes says:

Annie: I was referring to trusting the other person. I was okay with trusting myself pretty quickly but trusting J took a long time step by step by step until I could really, really allow myself to do it. Just like Dominique says, I couldn’t trust just because I said I was going to. It wasn’t that easy at all for me.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:41am
636: GlowStix says:

Mel

dreammoods.com

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:42am
637: Mel says:

Yay Turquoise!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:44am
638: Annie says:

Ty for clarifying Mercedes.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:46am
639: GlowStix says:

I find that when my trust in myself is whole and complete it feels impossible not to trust another person. It’s almost as if…When I can rely on myself fully and can do no wrong by me, it is not possible for another person to do wrong by me. They can do anything, and I am safe. Always safe. Always loved.

I used to think self-trust meant the knowledge that I wouldn’t do wrong by others, and the knowledge that I could be independant and make the right choices. Now i’m like…Whaaaat? No stix. No. That’s not it at all! It looks totally different to me now.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:47am
640: GlowStix says:

mmmm I love flirting with my own reflection.

A new practice has been to smile and wink and facially flirt with myself in the mirror and think things like “dayam you’re gorgeous! lookat that beaming smile and happy eyes etc” whilst brushing my teeth lol

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:53am
641: GlowStix says:

I will also have music playing while I shower and I dance naked in the shower and also in front of the mirror while I get dressed. My body is all jiggly wiggly and sexy. I like that.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:55am
642: Turquoise says:

Wow, choose trust. I’m not sure I do that. Bet that would make a big difference in a lot of relationships. I’m going to try it.

I just went to pick up lunch and tried the flirting. I complimented the bartender on how pretty her hair looked and made conversation and eye contact with the woman behind me. One guy was staring at me, I have a small smile, but he felt kind of creepy.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:56am
643: GlowStix says:

Under things are not applied without a little sexy mirror modeling. Pants are NOT pulled up without wiggling into them. Shirt does not go over my head without a wink and “You look fabulous.” . Lovin’ life.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:58am
644: GlowStix says:

Turquoise

Yay for his driving!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:00am
645: Starla says:

turquoise! that’s awesome!! aw i like the picture of you relaxing in the passenger seat while you cruise around together:).

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:07am
646: Beloved says:

I read and re-read the text I sent
and I feel like it’s okay
I didn’t end anything
I didn’t slam her
I felt attacking when I did it
that is okay, I do that sometimes, best to be loved for all of me
I said how I felt and what I needed
I needed to speak up and say that I was not okay with what I consider abuse and not normalize it
not normalize 3 month gap in communication after minor conflict
not normalize pressing the re-set button
not normalize the inconsistency and instability

Maybe she was expecting me to call her but she was the one who needed to get off the phone, feeling so vulnerable and asking for space. It would have felt like violating a boundary to call her first.

Jeezo frigging PETES no wonder people don’t change…
There it goes again –
I feel like a Terrible Bad Horrible Evil Person for having some standards
For not being “Unconditional Loving Person”.

I haven’t failed anyone or anything
I told the truth
This feels soooo baaaadddd!!!
Like I’m giving up on a part of myself

I’m not totally responsible for the friendship, though.
It’s not all on me.
Why do I think this is my fault and I’m bad and wrong??
What do I even think is my fault?????

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:09am
647: Beloved says:

I read and re-read the text I sent
and I feel like it’s okay
I didn’t end anything
I didn’t slam her
I felt attacking when I did it
that is okay, I do that sometimes, best to be loved for all of me
I said how I felt and what I needed
I needed to speak up and say that I was not okay with what I consider abuse and not normalize it
not normalize 3 month gap in communication after minor conflict
not normalize pressing the re-set button
not normalize the inconsistency and instability

Maybe she was expecting me to call her but she was the one who needed to get off the phone, feeling so vulnerable and asking for space. It would have felt like violating a boundary to call her first.

Jeezo frigging PETES no wonder people don’t change…
There it goes again –
I feel like a Terrible Bad Horrible Ev!l Person for having some standards
For not being “Unconditional Loving Person”.

I haven’t failed anyone or anything
I told the truth
This feels soooo baaaadddd!!!
Like I’m giving up on a part of myself

I’m not totally responsible for the friendship, though.
It’s not all on me.
Why do I think this is my fault and I’m bad and wrong??
What do I even think is my fault?????

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:10am
648: Mercedes says:

I would LOVE to get to this place GlowStix: “I find that when my trust in myself is whole and complete it feels impossible not to trust another person. It’s almost as if…When I can rely on myself fully and can do no wrong by me, it is not possible for another person to do wrong by me.”

I’m practicing that by saying it over and over “bad things can’t happen to me” but I’m not quite at the believing part (not fully in my heart) but I’ll get there…some days I really AM there….lots of days actually…but not fully. Practice, practice and the whole “fake it til you make it” thing.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:10am
649: Beloved says:

GlowStix

Even in the midst of my internal drama you are getting through, I’m paying attention, keep it up

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:12am
650: Indigo says:

Tereana 569

I understand this so SO well, and I am learning that the only way over it and through it is to be able to have complete trust in yourself.

Easier said than done, I know, but that is the path that I am on.

((((hugs)))) to you

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:14am
651: CurvySiren10 says:

Yay Turquoise! That is a huge thing…I think it will also really help him feel more “manly” – you know? Having that independence… At least a big step toward it….

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:21am
652: Dominique says:

Annie – 621 – Choosing trust can include trusting that you will be given only what you can handle, that whatever and whomever shows up is there for you to learn and grow from no matter what this looks like, and yes it can also include trusting yourself to do what’s best for you.

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:23am
653: Dominique says:

GLowStix – 640 – NICE…:)

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:26am
654: Indigo says:

k2012 583

I have said this before, so I hope you don’t mind, but I really *really* wouldn’t call him if I were you. This man truly is making no effort to speak of. There really is never any reason for us to be the first to call a man, and definitely not because he asked us to. This seems like a game to me on his part, nothing more. He may not mean it that way, but he has not got even *close* to earning a phone call from you.

I hope you don’t mind me speaking plainly, but I think I will say no more on this.

hugs to you

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:30am
655: Indigo says:

Tam 595

Don’t try so hard. Life is peaks and valleys. Let it be that way, don’t fight it.

(((hugs))) to you

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:41am
656: Starla says:

woohoo! I thought I was gonna owe taxes from my side business for 2012, but i managed to keep everything in order and come out ahead with a small refund! that refund will be a couple of car payments for me! how exciting!

it also helped that i studied chinese and japanese this year; i got an education credit for it.

yay thank you universe

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:02am
657: Starla says:

i want mashed potatoes like no one has ever wanted mashed potatoes before.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:09am
658: Memulo says:

Sirens, I am having an unbelievable experience. I am on the receiving end of FM’s. Last night at dinner my cd asked if I was free this weekend and I said yes, just for Sat night I’m invited to a dinner party. That was like throwing a bomb. He got so angry. First thing he said – ok, then I will go out with someone else. I said -ok. He said – I want to go out with you, it was so selfish of you to accept the invite without calling me. I’m away next weekend, you can go out with your girlfriend. I feel that you don’t give a sh-t! I said – but we didn’t talk about it and she invited me. We can spend another time together this weekend. He was very angry. he already finished his dinner, but I was half way thru, I couldnt finish it. It didn’t bother him. I said -ok, I will talk to my gfriend. I explained that I couldn’t invite him because I mysf went as a guest. I asked him to stop talking to me this way, he apologized. We went to my place, I didn’t say anything else, but he apologized again. Today he sent me a text that he is buying show tickets for us for tomorrow night. I texted right back – please wait, let me look at my schedule and the show reviews. He said too late, already bought the tickets. I feel trapped..

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:16am
659: Shar Lean Way Back says:

Dominique, I love the Goddess in your new article. I see it as a beautilful vulva with a heart in the middle. I love it. I am going to picture “mine” like this.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:20am
660: Starla says:

((((((((Memulo))))))))))

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:21am
661: Smile says:

Tam, thank you, today I looked at the woman at work with new eyes and felt compassion, what must it be like to be her? So angry all the time.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:21am
662: Smile says:

Wow ((memulo))

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:23am
663: Starla says:

memulo, those aren’t FMs you’re on the receiving end of. that’s insecurity and controllingness.

you can either tell him how you would prefer to have him make plans and see if he catches on, or you can dump him. he seems pretty invested, as he should be, but so do you, except you seem invested in a negative way (hence the word “trapped”!!!!). Are you CDing?

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:23am
664: Smile says:

Starla, I want potato cakes!!! Like omg I want potato cakes!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:24am
665: Lori says:

Wow, I’m loving the posts about trust! This has been an issue for me but i have made a choice to trust. Trust me, trust them. It actually makes me feel light and softer.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:29am
666: Mercedes says:

Lori: Me too! “This has been an issue for me but i have made a choice to trust.”

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:41am
667: Lori says:

Mercedes! It’s been a while! I’ve been so slammed with work but wanted to update you and others on the list. I already did on FB. Please see below.

K called this morning just like he said he would. Fortunately I did a lot of self evaluation last night and with Dominique’s help was able to sort a lot. Phew. I realized how afraid and vulnerable I was feeling and did not like it. I could feel myself wanting to shut the door on him. I didn’t want to do that because I knew I would be allowing fear to ruin whatever we have.

Anyway, when he called, I was happy and said something that totally made him laugh from the start. Yay! Started it off right. We talked about some things and he told me about something that happened to him last week while out of town that I could relate to. He was open and vulnerable with me. I knew right then that he felt safe with me. I felt our connection and bond strengthen and I’m sure he felt it too.

He is feeling so burnt by women that he told me he just doesn’t like my gender and that he’s had it. This past year due to his ex and then with what happened last week (a woman who he thought was a business partner hit on him and then ended their partnership when he wouldn’t sleep with her), he’s just feeling done. I get it. I told him “sooooo, does this mean you don’t like me?” and I totally laughed. He said “you’re gender in general, not you”.

I’m amazed that this man still comes to me, still feels safe with me obviously cares for me even after this last year. If he didn’t have a deep connection and feelings for me, he would not be here. He’s too busy and soured to waste his time. He said he would call me later this week as he wants to meet up with me and my partners next week when we are in Vegas.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:46am
668: Dominique says:

Thank you Shar lean way back – it’s what I see too.

xxoo

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:50am
669: Femininewoman says:

Memulo I feel like jumping up and down and shouting YES!!!!!!! just reading about that interaction.

Your gut has been talking to you about this cd and all his complements. He is now showing his real self because you are living your life the way you want to.

I absolutely love how you just said ok.
Him calling you selfish shows you a part of him that you have not seen before. How he fights. This is criticism but he has a point here. He might be attacking but he has a point. What has he shown up to help you learn? I believe he is further ahead on the relationship timeline than you are so he is expecting teamwork here. The exclusivty is creating insecurity for him so his controlling side is coming out. I do believe this is connected to how he feels masculine. He wants to lead and when he doesn’t get the chance to he reverts to the little boy throwing a tantrum and walking away with his toys if the game doesn’t get played his way.

Don’t ask him to stop talking to you that way. I would choose to say I feel uncomfortable or like a little girl who is being reprimanded for being bad and I don’t like to feel that way. He wanted you to consult with him before agreeing with your girlfriend but he decided to buy the tickets with consulting. Almost a tit for tat here.

It could be that what you are putting out is being reflected back to you.

I see this as an excellent opportunity to practice Rori’s negotiating with men. I feel, I don’t want. What do you think?

“please wait, let me look at my schedule and the show reviews” This comment is loaded with I am not open to your influence, your choice is possibly flawed, I trust the reviewers more than I like your choice/taste. I see him taking this personally.

He might want to be spontaneous and fun at times. You might prefer structure and organization.

I see so much here for being flexible, for practicing tools, for testing the man to see who he is. All this resulting from your discomfort and your feelings.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:11am
670: Turquoise says:

Thanks girls! I agree, very good for him and for us too. It feels like a relief to see his situation improving, just like he said it would.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:14am
671: Starla says:

wow fw you have a real gift for insight sometimes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:14am
672: Mercedes says:

YAY Lori!! In my experience, men who “hate” our gender find themselves changing their minds about that very quickly. I’m so happy for you that you’re both feeling open and carefree and vulnerable with each other. NICE!!!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:15am
673: Femininewoman says:

He wanted you to consult with him before agreeing with your girlfriend but he decided to buy the tickets *without* consulting.

He might be someone who keeps score to get even later. I know this is negative but I would keep my eyes open to look for opportunities to negotiate to see what happens. This is important for future disagreements. If you have different parenting styles, different tastes for furniture, colors for the living room, whose family to spend holidays with, where to go for vacation etc.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:15am
674: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I wanted to celebrate with you too.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:16am
675: Femininewoman says:

BTW I recently found out about a guy I know very well. He divorced in September 2012 and got married in January. He is about 55-56.

They were physically separated for years because of his job. I know he hung in there through years of unhappiness and sadness. It affected his health as he was almost always sick whenever they were spending time together, but I had no doubt he loved his first wife because of all he dealt with and the fact that he always spoke about her with affection. He stuck with her because she wanted to maintain the marriage so he could take care of the kids financially. He looks unbelievable happy in the wedding pictures I recently saw.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:20am
676: Femininewoman says:

RE 670 I have been told that by many including a psychiatrist.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:21am
677: Femininewoman says:

I wonder what happened to Pamelala

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:22am
678: Starla says:

I feel so bad for men who move forward with weddings that they’re not thrilled about. i feel sorry for them that they’re not ‘man enough’ to be honest with themselves or their fiances. though they probably think they’re being a “good man” by going through with it.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:25am
679: Femininewoman says:

Though I felt triggered by the word “sometimes” so I chose to receive the complement and trust that it is coming from a place of love so I told myself “I won’t be triggered or baited. I am pure love”.

YAYY!!! me I am learning to observe myself.

oh yeah oh yeah!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:25am
680: Starla says:

i wonder how miss cocokisses is doing:)

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:31am
681: Femininewoman says:

Starla just in case your comment was related to the guy I just wrote about, I just want to clarify that was not the case with him. When he married his first wife, from what I understand he wanted to. He did it against the advice of his family because he wanted to be with her and was happy. It seems that over the years communication and respect broke down. Despite all that he hung in there with the marriage. I believe his first wife moved away from him emotionally and he just could not do it anymore. He got divorced in September and married someone in January. Looking at the new wife’s picture I see a picture of contentment, relaxed and leaned back siren. She really seem to be into herself.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:32am
682: Lori says:

Mercedes 671. It actually made me feel sad because this is a man who has always loved women and has found us to be beautiful. For him to feel like this now because of some bad apples is sad.

What does make me feel really happy is that even with the way he is feeling, he sees me as the exception. He did tell me about it and was open. That he still wants to see me and talk to me. He hasn’t closed up which makes me feel wonderful. I think because I’ve admitted to feeling so vulnerable with him, has helped him to be the same with me. I love it.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:32am
683: Starla says:

““I won’t be triggered or baited. I am pure love”.

Haha I am so claiming my copyright to this to take credit for coming up with this, cuz I want to feel important and smart :) love to meeeeeee

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:34am
684: Femininewoman says:

You are Starla. It resonated with me so saved it to use it everytime I get an opportunity. I’ll you though, I use it in my self talk everyday.

Thank you.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:37am
685: Starla says:

680 it was related to him, but not specifically him. it just got me thinking about the topic. i love being inspired to consider things i wouldn’t otherwise, thank you!!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:37am
686: Femininewoman says:

love to meeeeeee – I copied this too and tell myself this all the time while commuting. Sometimes I use Loiuse Hay’s “I love you. I truly truly love you”

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:40am
687: Starla says:

lolol thanks FW:)

something i am working on right now with my therapist is unapologetically owning my accomplishments. i can get so triggered i have a panic attack when i try to tell someone about something great i did. i feel so undeserving and like they must be thinking i don’t deserve success or i am bragging or full of myself or even lying.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:42am
688: Starla says:

i get similarly triggered when i am telling someone about something bad that happened to me, or some stress i’m going through. the end result is the same… i worry they’re thinking i deserve it, i brought it on myself, i am just a complainer, i am stupid, not worthy of a problem-free life, etc.

i have these little melt downs with QZ quite a bit. And once the melt down starts up, then i feel humiliated, and like he is thinking i am sooo stupid and broken. and it spirals out of control from there.

i’m working with a therapist now on this, and QZ was really patient with me through my meltdowns so I finally trust him enough to know that if I just get off the phone when I start to melt down, he won’t decide to leave me while i take the space i need to calm down.

so for now i’m just removing myself from the situation and taking care of myself, which is breaking the pattern! I’m so excited! And QZ doesn’t make me feel like i’m a freak or hurting him because i have these meltdowns and need to take care of myself, instead of staying on the phone and spiraling into a serious episode.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 11:53am
689: Starla says:

woah i feel like i just overshared big time

ahhh, all part of this recurring trigger for me

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
690: k2012 says:

Sending yourself flowers is right Lizka, especially like how I don’t have anyone to send flowers to me. Lol. So it go. Valentine’s Day is next week. Good afternoon ladies and how are u today? I am working from home, busy as a bee but of course it goes without saying that I have to take breaks. I thought to myself this morning that maybe when I find the right man, I will definitely know. Cause maybe he will be all over me and won’t ask me to call him. Hahaaaa. Lord have mercy. I have to laugh. What do u think ladies? Do u think that when I find the right man, I will definitely know? Violette are u here? See my posts above ladies re my situation. Oh boy. Some men want us to chase them it seems. So do u all think that we women will know when we find the right man from early on? What do u think? Finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack. Overseas cd sent me a message a few mins ago. Seems I might never hear his voice. He is waiting for my response. Haaaa. I am bored with the messaging. I am cracking up. Oh boy.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:56pm
691: GingerSky says:

Awsome, post, Rori! Thanks!

I have more to share soon about NSM and how I see more and more all the time about how I was extremely unSireny since we got together in early 2010, and how my patterns of this nature have affectd my relationships all my life. And how super good it feels for me to see all this, to talk on it with him and others somewhat, etc. But I’ve been spending time with friends and with the wife of a friend who just died, going back there today for a gathering again… so for now, just wanna share this, bc I found it a spot-on Truth, and extremely helpful, lol. This is helping me be more leaned back, taking better care of me, and to understand and relate better with men and to not run over them so much with my “nice” controllingness and sweetly engaged manipulations which feel so bad for them (ESP the last part about hwo we seem to conspire with their penises, that explains so many things for me!). This is helping me to see men more clearly and to better use my insight and innner intuition so I can respect them and me more, and see how they are conditioned and how they roll… and to begin to manifest men who maybe don’t have so much of this:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html?wa_user1=3&wa_user2=Sex&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=companion

Till later, much love to Sirens and to you, Rori.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:59pm
692: Violette says:

Sha-sha, I feel so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine losing a brand new baby like that, and my heart goes out to you.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:09pm
693: GlowStix says:

((((sirens))))

BeLoved

You inspire me each time I read you, even within “drama” your process is breathtaking.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:14pm
694: Mercedes says:

Lori: 682. I sooooo agree that it is sad when a man allows a few women to make him feel closed off from all (or most) women. In my experience though they get over that quickly and come around once they starting seeing those exceptions such as how he sees you (which is a beautiful thing by the way…I can see how that would feel so wonderful). YOU have the ability to help him see women differently and quite probably he will be forever grateful to you for that.

I love, love, love all of this: “I think because I’ve admitted to feeling so vulnerable with him, has helped him to be the same with me. I love it.”

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:14pm
695: Violette says:

k2012 Thanks for responding to my post. I’ve been dating D for about 2 1/2 months, and no it’s not exclusive. I was feeling so bummed about him only texting yesterday, and was preparing to speak to him about it that evening, when he called to say he remembered that I like speaking on the phone so he wanted to call to set the time for our date. I was so relieved and surprised! It was nice.

In answer to your guy, I would totally not call him again. When you call he blows you off, and when has he called? He sounds like a good one to practice feeling messages, flirting, and not taking too seriously though. He may just be there for you to learn how to be in your power in that kind of dynamic. Go out and get your flirt on with other men, women, animals, trees, and kids, and have fun with him when he shows up, or break up with him. Whichever feels more like it will help you grow.

That was bossy I know…whatever you do is fine of course, as long as you feel good about it.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:16pm
696: Rauzet Moustache says:

Marriage isn’t always the answer. But some men will waste your time simply because they are afraid to commit. The first months should actually let you know what you are getting into. With the chance of a new guy showing up…… compare them and settle for what make you happy

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:23pm
697: Violette says:

Last night with D was awkward and I feel like a mess over it. He took me to a birthday party for a friend of mine that I don’t know very well. We talked to a couple of friendly girls, one of whom did a lot of bitching and complaining about things, but I found her entertaining and funny. At least she was being nice to us! He was quiet and weird, and whispered to me that he liked the thing she was dissing. I said say so! He said he didn’t want to start a fight. What? I wanted him to participate because he was acting miserable and like he wanted me to save him and so basically take care of him. I wanted him to be more occupied with my feelings, and how adorable and flirtatious and beautiful I was at the party!

On the way home I felt awful, he asked about it, and I tried to voice that his having a terrible time made me feel a bit put on the spot. He reacted like I was the biggest craziest freak he’d ever heard of, which pissed me off!! I was not good at the feeling messages and keeping it about me, I was caught off guard, and I wanted to talk about it in the moment, so I’m glad I at least said it. It wasn’t getting any better, so I kept sinking into my own feelings, saying I felt bad and didn’t want to feel that way. He didn’t reach out for me, he was leaning away! I finally said, “why haven’t you put your arms around me? I want you to hold me!” He acted freaked out again, and wanted to figure out how I could have been so cold in the car. I wanted to throw him out the window.

Eventually he got focused on me and took me to bed, and again to my surprise we managed to have wonderful sex.

I feel like he wants me to take care of his feelings and it makes me want to punch him in the face.

I know this is a long post, I just didn’t know how to write it shorter, I’m all jumbled. Thanks to all who read it.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:27pm
698: Lori says:

Mercedes 694. I agree. I think he will come back around. I also think as he sees that I continue to be the same, even through adversity, (such as when he gave me the no relationship talk) that he will continue to grow closer to me. His feelings are definitely there for me. I just have to be patient.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:28pm
699: Violette says:

Whew, It’s all just learning. I feel calmer from letting it out. I love my insecurities and my uncertainties. This process is full of growth and growing wisdom, and even my freakouts are ok.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 1:36pm
700: FlowerChild77 says:

Starla…I learn SO much from your posts. I am grateful that you share the way you do. <3

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 2:02pm
701: Starla says:

thank you flowerchild! i try to be as honest as possible here… after all, i’m not just here for sport or intellectual m*sturbation

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 2:13pm
702: FlowerChild77 says:

And I love your sense of humor! =)

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 3:10pm
703: Starla says:

<3 thank you flowerchild:):)

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 3:38pm
704: k2012 says:

No 663 and 658.”Memulo, those aren’t FMs you’re on the receiving end of. that’s insecurity and controllingness.” Starla I was going to tell Memulo the exact same thing. When I read what Memulo wrote, I said wow, that’s controlling. And he had the nerve to go and buy the tickets without consulting her. My goodness. As someone else said, it seems like he is way ahead in the relationship timeline. Who gave him the right to go ahead and buy the tickets without consulting u Memulo? That doesn’t look good at all. Even if he was in a relationship with u Memulo, exerting that control doesn’t look good to me at all.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:01pm
705: Starla says:

oh dear, this guy i had a crazy crush on finally just hit me up.

it’s funny that now that i’m taken, all these guys are on me more than ever.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 4:27pm
706: Turquoise says:

Hi Sirens! I took the girls and we all got gel manicures. My nails are big apple red! Then we went and had some dinner and sweetheart came with us. It was nice, my girls joke around with him a lot, so we laugh and laugh. He loved my red nails and we had a few minutes to ourselves for some warm kisses. both my girls are going to sleepovers Saturday night, so looking forward to making some fun plans. Tomorrow, I want to get my house in order. I have a lot to catch up on. Laundry, bathrooms, straightening, etc. I love when my house looks awesome. I might change some things around too. Just wearing gold and different perfume today, felt better. I tend to make the same food, wear the same clothes, same makeup, TV shows… Etc. I want some changes in my life!

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 5:48pm
707: k2012 says:

Hey Indigo, 654 thanks for responding to my post. Appreciate it. It ok if u comment again. I don’t feel like calling. In fact I might just do like Violette and tell him that calling him feels like I am chasing him and I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I will not ask him to call me again. Hey Violette, thanks for responding. U are the second person for today, with Indigo being the first who told me not to call him. Do u think I should tell him the same thing u told your guy that it feels like chasing and I am not comfortable with it? I am currently talking to him on instant message and he just received some bad news about a close friend. He got news that a close friend of his died. I expressed my condolences to him. He says he is not good company right now as he is in shock. After responding to him shortly, I will leave him alone and let him mourn. Right now, I am here working. Will get a few days from work next week. I am longing to go out. Violette and Indigo, my hairdresser with the spiritual gift has said to me that overseas cd is the same thing as disappearing ex. Both of them birthdays are near. I am dying to meet another cd. This evening it crossed my mind Violette and Indigo to keep him as a friend. Cause if he is like disappearing ex, u know it is a recipe for hurt. Waiting to hear from u.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 7:25pm
708: k2012 says:

Violette 695: “He sounds like a good one to practice feeling messages, flirting, and not taking too seriously though.” Well yes that’s true. Cause if he doesn’t call, this implies that he is not serious. True. Glad to hear that your guy called Violette. Even if I called him on Saturday coming, I would not call after that. Bear in mind that I called last week and he was in the shower. He could have returned the call. With disappearing ex, where the phone was concerned, I might have spoiled him. I use to do the calling, but because he knew I would call, he hardly called. Only called a few times in the beginning. Well I have learnt from that relationship. Overseras cd lucky if I call.$ even if I do, him not getting another one. I am not in the business of chasing men. I am the prize as Rori says.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:13pm
709: Indigo says:

Hey k2012

There is nothing wrong with keeping him as a friend, especially if you are getting enjoyment out of your exchanges. I just wouldn’t expect too much from him and I wouldn’t give too much.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:15pm
710: Memulo says:

FW, Starla, K2012 – thank you. I just got back home – my work hours are CRAZY!! I agree with everything you girls say. And I agree FW that he has a point. It was just funny the way he asked – are you free this weekend? And when I said yes, except for Sat night he blew up. The story didn’t stop there;) in midday today I got a text – you can go out with your friend if you come over shortly after 10 pm. I didn’t answer this. He later texted about the weather, I replied to that. I will see him tomorrow, so will have a chance to talk about it. Btw, I was planning not to go with my friend, especially since he said that he made a special dinner reservation for Sat, but after that text I called my gfriend and confirmed.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:31pm
711: Memulo says:

To answer your question Starla, I’m not CDing because I work crazy hours, didn’t meet anyone interesting and my cd calls me every evening, so I have to explain my whereabouts;)

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 8:33pm
712: Indigo says:

I know that D and I not being on these chat programs is the best thing, but what I am left with is rather weird feelings.

Feeling ever so slightly calmer now though, so instead of giving in to panic, now I say to myself “I notice that I am feeling a bit anxious” or “I notice that I am finding this hard”. Without giving into them, or trying to make them go away, I am simply noticing them.

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:38pm
713: Indigo says:

Memulo,

How do you feel about explaining your whereabouts?

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 9:43pm
714: Tereana says:

I had a really serious “self-care” day today. It was all about me!! yeah.

Had an appointment with a guy who does this certain kind of therapy, which is all about getting into your body and unwinding patterns. It’s great. And after that I went for a “float.” that’s where you literally float for an hour. Also great. After that, I got my favorite food, from the restaurant down the street, and the guy who served me was so nice and made eye contact. Then I had two dance classes in a row! I’m so tired, but in a good way.

I didn’t hear back from K at all, which is odd. And I kept thinking how much I’d rather be spending the night at his house, because it’s so much closer. But I know it’s a bad idea to “drop the moose,” as it were (that’s a Sherry Argov-ism). Still, I had an urge to make contact, and just see. He didn’t answer, which I guess means he’s not awake. So I texted, just to express myself about how i was feeling, and now I feel better. I don’t really expect a response. NATO. But now at least I’ve let out what was in my mind/heart/body. So now I feel better, and I can go back to where I’m staying and relax and feel good about it : )

Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 10:12pm
715: Heart says:

My little girl doesn’t like the stories I tell her…
I know the real person making her sad is me…
Still…the is a fine line between Choosing trust and lying to yourself…isn’t there?
I’m exploring the line…

I see that how I feel how I think and all the inner stuff is a reoccuring pattern…
I feel excited to confront my own Vindictiveness…
I’m having aha moments…but I’m periodically in pain & then happy and then neutral…

I feel exhausted by work & life…
looking forward to relaxing and taking care of myself…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:18am
716: Rebecca says:

FlowerChild77 – 698

Starla…I learn SO much from your posts. I am grateful that you share the way you do. <3

Ditto!!!!!!!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:16am
717: Rebecca says:

The guy sitting next to me at work is as noisy as can be!! Bashing his keyboard as loud as poss!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:49am
718: Rebecca says:

Now he is singing and humming to himself… and laughing… grrrr

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:51am
719: Heart says:

- just had a glass of red wine and a hot bath….
…floating…feeling soft & feathery

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:55am
720: Rebecca says:

I’ve tried to talk to him many times.
He’s not interested..
Seems to talk to everyone else though…?!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:55am
721: Heart says:

god I love my inner witch…she cracks me up so much…when I look at situations from her perspective everything seems So Funny….briefly

I would let her cheer up my little girl but she’s
allergic to children…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 1:59am
722: Rebecca says:

Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 2:17am
723: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Hello sirens!! very sleepy but managing this crazy overnight schedule..Blessings to all!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 2:39am
724: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise I am staying in with the kids today because of the approaching storm. I hope if yiu have the same weather you take extra care of yourself today.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 3:02am
725: Annie says:

652: Dominique says:

“Annie – 621 – Choosing trust can include trusting that you will be given only what you can handle, that whatever and whomever shows up is there for you to learn and grow from no matter what this looks like, and yes it can also include trusting yourself to do what’s best for you.

xxoo”

Ty for sharing.
I am learning that I need to trust myself more and listen to the signs when I need to get myself away from something or someone that is harmful to me and get myself out of there a bit quicker Rather than tolerating something that feels too much for me to handle and harming myself by doing that. Otherwise my options left are freeze or explode and attack.
Although I have been an observer of others choosing harmful situations and still felt able to handle it and safe.
It feels odd now that I chose to stay there and not go and do something better for myself.
Feel I need to learn from that too and move away more quickly.
How ironic.
That my reactions to moving away are so slow.
But my reactions and processing to other things are so fast.
I want to change that.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 3:08am
726: Heart says:

*Jumps Up & down a little…
Frenchman contacted me and asked me out for Saturday!…I haven’t agreed yet…He emailed instead of calling But it feels so good to have another man in my brain!
I’ll type that again: IT Feels SO GOOD to have another man inside my brain…

Looks like I’m Cding again! ^_^

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 3:49am
727: Heart says:

It’s Weird how your whole Entire Perspective and vibe can change in 1 minute.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 3:51am
728: Heart says:

Now….my most pressing issue is what to wear..hmmm

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 3:52am
729: Memulo says:

Indigo,

I feel funny about it.

I think my cd is mad at me. possibly looking around for other women;) After all, he cheated on his wife.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 5:13am
730: Indigo says:

I feel really, really lonely today, and I have a slight fever.

Sorry sirens. I hope you’re having a lovely Friday.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 5:16am
731: Lizka says:

Good morning all!

Focusing on not texting Cheri yesterday worked pretty well. I feel more in love and he gave me even more attention than he usually does last night. While he was sleeping, twice he put his arm around me and said I love you. Awwwww

So Im thinking of a new little challenge like that every day. It feels fun and it’s a good practice. Plus so far I got good result and it made me feel really good and sireny.

So today’s challenge will be not to overfunction.

This one will be hard. I always like to cook and I do a lot of things for him. He always give back but today I will focus on receiving instead of giving.

Challenge on!!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 5:22am
732: Femininewoman says:

Memulo do you feel like elaborating?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 5:22am
733: Dominique says:

Indigo – Much love to you honey bunny.

xxoo

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 5:23am
734: miraculously loved says:

Memulo…is this the same CD as before who made plans for Saturday…his energy feels trapping to me the way you described him. Do you have other CD’s? And yes please elaborate on discomfort…did you talk to him yet about your discomfort? Great job confirming with your friend for Saturday. I feel boiling when I see the words “he said he would let me” That feels like you need his permission…I do like how carefree you are about it

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:03am
735: Heart says:

(((Indigo)))

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:06am
736: Femininewoman says:

People play roles with each other. More and more as I read Memulo’s comment I get a sense of father and daughter. Listening to the Rori Raye/CCarter interview last night I got that we can tell the guy we don’t like the role we have in a relationship or the role he is playing with us.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:27am
737: Beloved says:

I’m feeling more at peace this morning.

There were so many red flags with my friend…
I didn’t ignore them, I noticed them
I stayed open, communicated with her and myself to the best of my ability
I can see my errors in thinking, they are correcting
I feel a little nauseous at seeing some things about myself I feel a bit ashamed of
Good to feel that
let it in
integrate it
bring it into awareness, let the feelings inform me

My dreams were very good last night
I dreamed of a room full of sluggish, tired, apathetic people
I looked up into my 3rd, using “one command” stuff -
“I don’t know how, I only know it gets better than this. I don’t know how, I only know I feel so much better. I don’t know how, I only know this is changing.” and so forth
as I repeated this, the other people around me started rousing themselves out of their stupor and were following my lead,
the atmosphere started to clear,
the energy started feeling much lighter
more flow was happening

I feel like the people in my dreams represent my tired, lazy, apathetic feelings

Just typing that out, I feel kind of like…
Squee!!!
giggly!
I love myself so much!!
Squeeeeeeeeee from my heart!!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:28am
738: Beloved says:

734

FW

I feel intrigued by this:
“Listening to the Rori Raye/CCarter interview last night I got that we can tell the guy we don’t like the role we have in a relationship or the role he is playing with us.”

Can you say more about this???

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:29am
739: Vi says:

I use any tiniest trigger to get angry these days. I feel guilty for my inner overreaction. I was taught ‘if I get angry that means I am wrong’. Now I notice I find myself in need of finding anything that would help me justify the anger that I’ve been suppressing all these years. Well at least it is not directed inward anymore and that feels way better. I love me. I love my anger. I love to be able to be safe for other when I feel angry. I feel amazed by myself for that actually. Hehe and I get tons compliments when I feel that way hehe… I love my pattern. I love my subconscious need of finding my treasure anger and getting into a toxic relationship for that purpose in the past… so there is nothing to beat myself up for… I don’t like to be ignored, so does my anger… I love me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:32am
740: Mercedes says:

Indigo: I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. big hug…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:42am
741: Linda says:

HUGGGSSSS to you Indigo

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:44am
742: Mercedes says:

Lizka: I love this and I think every single person on earth could learn from it…thank you!

“So Im thinking of a new little challenge like that every day. ”

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:50am
743: Femininewoman says:

What I understand from the role playing is that we need to be willing to openly communicate as adults about the way we feel. It is normal for people to slip in and out of roles unconsciously in social settings and it is the same with relationships. Some roles are parent/child, mother/son, father/daughter, leader/follower, convincer/resistor. We have to pay attention to dynamics and how they feel to us and be willing to be transparent when we communicate.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 6:58am
744: Femininewoman says:

Role can naturally lead to power struggles, even the victim/villain dymamic. Over time people grow and change but I believe a leader naturally wants a supporter. Knowing ones strengths can help us with choosing the role we want to take. I also believe some strengths need space for expression outside the relationship, If two people compete for the same role then there is likehood for disagreements.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:06am
745: Indigo says:

Aw Dominique, I felt the love all the way over here in South Africa. Thank you. X

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:29am
746: Indigo says:

Thank you for the hugs Heart

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:30am
747: Indigo says:

Thank you for the hugs Linda

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:31am
748: Indigo says:

Thank you Mercedes, it’s hitting me that there’s no more skyping with D, and being in bed with a temp is not a good time to contemplate this Also, my two best friends are now in very serious relationships and so have much less time for me, although I’m so happy for them. So yeah :/

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:34am
749: Indigo says:

Connecting with you Sirens is just what I wanted and needed though so thank you ((((()))))

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:35am
750: Lori says:

I’m feeling a little anxious this morning. I was supposed to meet my partners in Vegas on Tuesday for our business. K was going to meet up with us for dinner and some time together. I found out last night that the production is delayed so we aren’t meeting on Tuesday. I have to let K know today. I’m wondering if he will still want to see me. Ugh.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:45am
751: Memulo says:

I feel funny about his so obvious overstepping of boundaries (i. e. I am an adult and he can’t tell me what to do) that I almost feel bad for him to point it out to him. Does it make sense? Wow, and I’m the one that beats myself up for feeling sorry for everyone! I guess this is where it starts;)

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:46am
752: Memulo says:

Also I never see a wine list when we go for dinner. I tell him my preference- red/white, sweet/dry but he makes an order. It is a very traditional/European way to do it but I miss making decisions myself!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:49am
753: Femininewoman says:

I almost feel bad – is an indication that you are choosing the child role and unwilling to speak up for yourself. The key is in how you express your preferences and your level of comfort with your desires. If you are not comfortable people are not likely to give you what you want. You can choose to show appreciation for him as a leader and wanting to take care of you also you like to be asked so you can experience that your opinions and needs are important to him as this makes you feel important. If this is what you want. It is important to sink into yourself to become clear on these things. He needs to learn about you and only you can teach him, yet if you don’t know about you how can you feel comfortable to share yourself?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:57am
754: Femininewoman says:

I like traditional and I also like the feeling of power it gives me when I make choices for myself. It makes me feel powerful like an “adult in charge”.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 7:59am
755: Linda says:

Hi Sirens!

It is Friday! It is casual day at work and I get off early. Going to get my nails done after work.

I came to a decision yesterday. I cut RacecardriverCD loose yesterday. I have been seeing him off and on (when he asked and I was available) since October. In all that time, he has never indicated that he had romatic intentions toward me. It started to feel really wierd to me. Such a stark difference between him and FavoriteCD who is very affectionate and relational and IN to me. Last week end I met FavoriteCD’s daughter which was a big step for him…. and then I went out that evening with to a superbowl party with racecardriverCD. I had fun.. but I just did not want to be there. I have begun to think he is just looking for a companion to show up with him at functions. He has never once intiated romantic interaction other than a little peck hello or goodbye and held my hand once as we walked. To be honest.. I did not want to risk my growing relationship for the sake of CDing. My inner compass said time to stop.

I am going to CD myself and girlfriends.. no other men right now. I have too much respect for FavoriteCD and I felt my personal integrity compromised.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:04am
756: Lori says:

“748: Lori says:

I’m feeling a little anxious this morning. I was supposed to meet my partners in Vegas on Tuesday for our business. K was going to meet up with us for dinner and some time together. I found out last night that the production is delayed so we aren’t meeting on Tuesday. I have to let K know today. I’m wondering if he will still want to see me. Ugh.

I just talked to him. He said that he wasn’t sure he was going to be in town anyway as he was thinking about going to CA to see his daughter. He goes every other week.

I’m feeling closed off and I’m also feeling like cutting him off.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:25am
757: CurvySiren10 says:

Lori, I would really step back at this point. Get your vibe up. Give him lots of space and see if it ultimately brings him back toward you. (easier said than done, I know..)

Indigo, sending you lots of healing & love from the southeast US! Hope that fever breaks soon…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:40am
758: Starla says:

Memulo, 709

“so I have to explain my whereabouts;)”

ummmmmmmmmmmm no

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:44am
759: Starla says:

memulo i’m so sorry but it seems you need to slow this guy down. you need to slow this relationship down. you need to not be exclusive right now. there is so much about this guy that bothers you and makes you unhappy and you just sit back and take it or try to accommodate him like you don’t have a choice or something.

memulo, i keep wondering why you’re not on your own side

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:46am
760: CurvySiren10 says:

If there was a “like” button on this blog, I would like Starla’s post (757) to Memulo.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:52am
761: Turquoise says:

Memulo, when I was first separated, I went to an awesome counselor. I actually saw her for at least 6 months, and it really helped. One thing she tried to impress upon me, was that I needed to be in the driver seat. I never felt that way, I felt like C made all the decisions, and I didn’t have a choice. Your posts feel like that. I am still learning how to do it, sometimes I’m great, others… Totally seem to forget. But maybe broach this relationship as one where you need to be in the drivers seat. You control your happiness here. I’ve often felt the same as Starla, it’s like you aren’t on your own side.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 8:58am
762: Lori says:

Sirens, I could really use some advice as I’m teetering on the edge of sending K a goodbye email.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:06am
763: Starla says:

lori, if you send it, you better send it cuz you really mean goodbye and that you’re sincere preference is that he just go the f*ck away regardless of whether he responds saying he’s made a huge mistake and wants to totally be with you and woo you and romance you and marry you one day.

if you’re thinking of sending it to get him to step up, fight for you, or do anything whatsoever besides go the f*ck away, then definitely don’t send it.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:09am
764: Lori says:

Frankly, right now I just don’t give a sh*t. I’ve been there always. Maybe I should just not even answer his calls. Just go dark on him. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think he wants to see me. He had told me we would meet up on Tuesday and now he tells me differently? Let him go play with someone else’s heart. I’m pulling mine back.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:12am
765: Indigo says:

CurvySiren

Thank you very much it’s really great to get these healing vibes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:24am
766: Starla says:

wow that came out blunt. sorry lori and memulo. i’m in a direct mood today (((((((sirens)))))))

usually by friday i run out of communicative energy and i get very direct.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:27am
767: Indigo says:

Lori,

I would encourage you to ask yourself what is underneath your frustration. Are you frustrated only because he’s cancelled this meeting? or are you frustrated because you think he may not be able to give you what you want and need at this time on a bigger scale?

If it’s the first, I’d say just wait it out. If it’s the second, as I suspect it might be, then I would really ask yourself if you can stand being regularly disappointed like this at the moment. If it feels too bad for you, maybe consider cutting contact but I don’t know how good it would feel to you to send a goodbye e-mail.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:29am
768: Lizka says:

Thank you Mercedes!

I love challenging myself with little things like that and growing within my challenges.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:31am
769: Lori says:

He’s known that I’ve wanted to see him. He told me a few weeks ago that we would get together, then he said he forgot. Now this. Sooo, for now I’m turning off my phone and am not going to respond. I’m hurt. I’m always available to him. I’m taking that availability away from him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:33am
770: Lizka says:

My boyfriend and i work in the same office.

He couldn’t come down to tje foodcourt to eat today because he has a load of work. So I went by myself to a chineese restaurant and I’m eating this delicious Singapoor noodles. There wi definitely be leftovers since the thing is huge!

Today’s challenge is no overfunctionning. Wondering if brining the leftovers to Cheri is overfunctionning?

I don’t want to overfunction by brining him a lunch, but at the same time I don’t want to throw food in the garbage…

What do you think?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:33am
771: Starla says:

Lori, I am not there to see the whole picture by any means, and it would be wrong of me to just insist I somehow know what he is and isn’t doing, and how you are or aren’t… however, from where i sit, it seems that he’s not exactly playing with your heart at all. that he’s been totally honest to you about where he’s at. I really feel you do have the power here. When you say things like “go dark on him,” “let him play with someone else’s heart for a while,” it doesn’t seem like this is about taking care of yourself, but rather that the focus is all on him. Too much of your own happiness and sanity is continually in his hands, but that is not HIS fault. That’s your choice… you put it there. He’s never once asked for it. He did the opposite.

And when he made this all clear, it didn’t mean he would stop caring for you and being friendly and caring toward you. It just meant he really felt it was important that you take full responsibility for your own happiness, as he decided he couldn’t do that for you right now.

Have you had experience falling into this “you’re responsible for my happiness” vibe before? Maybe without realizing you were doing it?

I have a hunch that this is part of what drove him away from commitment with you and made him take you off the hook (aside from his own commitment issues, of course!).

He seems like a good man, Lori. I think you really need to figure out exactly what it is you want before you say or do anything about it to him. Kicking him out of your life and bringing him in closer both keep coming up, but they’re diametrically opposed…

i hope this helps

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:35am
772: Starla says:

Lizka, I’m on a lean back challenge today myself. not because it’s pushing him away, but cuz i can feel it creating this almost unhealthy dynamic in our relationship, where we are a little toooo focused on each other. we’re not married yet and i’d like my energetic freedom:D

lizka, don’t waste food:). Just let him know, i have left overs from lunch that were delicious but i probably won’t eat it. want them?

just don’t think of it as a nice gesture sort of thing.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:39am
773: Violette says:

k2012 Yes finding new cd’s will help so much! I loved the posts about flirting. Even just flirting and getting that to feel good and receive good energies from men helps a lot. We remember our power!
It’s so interesting about the calling…I have very little experience with men who actually feel strongly about wanting me to call them. And it makes me feel really suspicious, like they want to be pursued by me. I posted about an awful argument I had with D, but it went to moderation for some reason, so I’ll just say I was discontented with the dynamic between us, and resented feeling like I was supposed to take care of him at a party, and he kept acting like I was the one who was supposed to fix our problems. So I don’t know if maybe it’s a feminine energy thing in him…
Anyway I like the script FW posted, “It feels romantic to be on the receiving end . I like when the man leads the communicating, it makes me feel happy. It feels too masculine, like I’m chasing when I call and I don’t want to feel that way with you. Is there anything you can do to help me with this?”

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:41am
774: Lori says:

HI Starla 769, I’m just feeling hurt because I was expecting to see him on Tuesday. I have held him responsible for my happiness. I learned a long time ago that only I could do that for me. I’ve worked very hard to take care of me and make changes in my life. I’m upset because this is the second time he has made plans for us to get together just to end up telling me he won’t be available.

He is a good man. I didn’t realize I was sending out that vibe. I have a very full life. I’ve never needed him to be there all the time. I wouldn’t want for him to “be there” all the time. It’s just if he makes plans to see me, stick to it.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:43am
775: Starla says:

Lori, i am a little confused. didn’t you say you told him you might not be able to make it?

anyway, did you two REALLY have plans? or did you have a conversation about just making plans?

i think that as women we tend to get our expectations up about plans before they’re really confirmed, and then we get very frustrated with the man and we feel hurt. And I think that a lot of men treat ideas for plans as seriously tentative until they confirm them with a time, a place, an activity to expect, etc.

That is why Rori often teaches us not to block out time for a man we are dating or trying to date in that way. It feels bad when it doesn’t work out how we expected, and it just isn’t as big of a deal to a man.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:51am
776: Lori says:

Hi Starla,
I had business during the day but K, my partners and I were supposed to meet for dinner on Tuesday evening after my business was completed. He had told me on Tuesday that he would like to meet up with us and then we were going to have some time together afterwards. When I told him what was going on, he said that he didn’t think he would have made it after all because he was thinking about going to CA for a few days. He had been thinking of canceling with me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:55am
777: Lizka says:

Wow Starla!!!

“Lizka, I’m on a lean back challenge today myself. not because it’s pushing him away, but cuz i can feel it creating this almost unhealthy dynamic in our relationship, where we are a little toooo focused on each other. we’re not married yet and i’d like my energetic freedom:D”

It’s exactly the same for me! I’m not pushing him away, just trying recreate the “dating style” in our relationship !

Thanks for the feedback!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:56am
778: Starla says:

Lori, I dare you to right this instant say (even just to yourself) what it is that you actually want from him. really and truly. i think it would be very helpful for you to get clear and honest with yourself about what is going on inside of you, instead of trying to reactively field each bumpy spot you hit/feel with him. I have a feeling you’re too busy reacting and fielding to be grounded in yourself and what you really want right now. It’s just up and down up and down, love/hate/love/hate/love/hate whewww aren’t you exhausted? (((((((((Lori))))))))))

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 9:57am
779: Starla says:

So, Lori, you’re mad at him for thinking about cancelling the plans you were going to cancel anyway?

Ummmm, Lori…… really?

hehehehehehe

I wish I could take you out for ice cream and to the park to get your head out of this tunnel.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:01am
780: Lori says:

Starla, I’m exhausted but not from him. I’ve been working 60 hours a week and didn’t sleep well last night. So when he said this to me, it really hit me. I know what I want from him but I’m not going to wait for him. Normally I’m okay but i’m just too tired today to deal with the emotional impact from him canceling. I’m going to lean way back. He is supposed to call me back and I’ve decided to let his call go to voicemail.

You’re right, he has told me how he feels. Unfortunately, he has also sent a lot of mixed messages.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:01am
781: Lori says:

Ugh, noooo, I was hoping we would still meet up even though my business plans weren’t going to happen.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:03am
782: Starla says:

r u still going to be in vegas then? or would you have gone just to see him since the plans are cancelled?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:06am
783: Starla says:

“I’m not going to wait for him”

Good. Starting when?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:07am
784: Lori says:

I would have gone to see him if he had wanted to still get together. Before I could say anything, that’s when he told me about going to CA.

I’ve canceled my reservation now.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:07am
785: Lori says:

I haven’t been waiting on him. I’ve been CDing quite a bit but i guess I still held out hope for him. I wasn’t going to out this weekend. I’m seriously exhausted and need some rest. Major fault of mine, burning the candle at both ends.

I’ve turned off my cell phone for the day. I don’t want to answer.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:10am
786: Starbright says:

Lori,

I feel confused. We’re you making a special trip to Las Vegas to meet your partners? Is it some distance for you? If so I was just wondering if your K was feeling pressure that the trip would then be all about meeting up with him. Anyhow not sure if I am understanding your story…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:12am
787: Starla says:

lori, i will say i think you’re overreacting. he had plans to meet with you AND your partners, and he was on the hook since it involved your partners too, but since that’s cancelled (which was the original plan — cancelled) he is now off the hook and able to see his daughter…

i’m not saying he’s acting much like a man who desperately wants to see you. but i don’t think he’s being disrespectful or even acting in a way that merits a “get out of my life please.”

now, on the other hand, if you’re not handling this very well and it’s driving you crazy, and you don’t feel willing to work with the tools and CD aggressively to manage it, then definitely take care of yourself by cutting him out. But know it’s all YOUR stuff.

there’s also the possibility that you’re playing it so cool at times that YOU’RE sending mixed signals yourself.

I don’t actually perceive what he’s doing as mixed signals. he might be trying to ease back in… trying to check the temperature and see if maybe he made a big mistake in breaking it off with you. But you’ve got this “all or nothing” thing going on now, to the point where you want to tell him goodbye forever, and i’m certain he can sense this at least on an unconscious level.

there’s so much good work to be done here.

i hope i’ve not taken my comments to far with the preachiness.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:13am
788: Starla says:

“I would have gone to see him if he had wanted to still get together”

Ahhh I want to shout “NO!”

this man must be a very masculine energy man. He didn’t even expect that a woman would still go out of her way to make a trip just to see a man who has broken up with her. Or maybe he did expect that out of you and it sorta icked him out because overfunctioning can make most men on edge without them even knowing why, so he prevented it from happening.

you are the prize, lady! you! sireny, beautiful you! you don’t make trips just to see men… they make trips to you! and if you happen to be in town on business, lucky them! they get to take you out.

do you see what i’m getting at?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:17am
789: Starbright says:

Lori,
I see while I was writing my previous post that you added more about your plans. I would guess that he felt more comfortable meeting you when you were going to have business meetings there. When that changed the focus was on him. Then the talk of going to Ca…to take off the focus.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:18am
790: Lori says:

Maybe I am. I’m really, really tired right now. I have several meetings today and the pressure is really on. My point is that it appears he was already planning on telling me he couldn’t make it bc he was going to go to CA even if our trip wasn’t cancelled.

I honestly don’t know what kind of signals I’ve been sending. He knows that I wanted to see him. He knows I won’t chase him nor have I. I don’t contact him and he knows why. I really don’t know what else I can do except just lean back. He comes forward but only by calling me. He hasn’t asked to see me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:18am
791: Starla says:

” If so I was just wondering if your K was feeling pressure that the trip would then be all about meeting up with him.”

exactly!

this man wants to give on his schedule. not because he’s pressured into it. i’m sensing that pressure/neediness are at the core of what’s kept him apart from you (assuming he can commit to any woman, but plenty of noncommitters do end up committing to women that don’t give them any sense of pressure or neediness. but that’s not something you can fake. that’s something you develop, for example through Rori’s tools). he might not even realize that himself that pressure/neediness is what pushed him away. He might BLAME himself, and just say he can’t give you what you need or “deserve.” Men are not as intimately in touch with the root of their negative feelings and triggers as we are.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:20am
792: Lori says:

He is a very masculine energy man. He has always led when we were together. I have always went to him because he had asked me to while he was so busy in season.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:21am
793: Starla says:

787 starbright/lori

EXACTLY!

so lori, the honest truth here seems to be that you’re not mad at him for cancelling the plans you agreed upon, with the business partners and whatnot (YOU cancelled that). you’re mad at him for not making new plans when YOU cancelled them. which is just loaded and loaded and loaded with expectation on your part.

i know i am being soooo blunt. tell me to shut up if you need me to, if i’m not helping or just stressing you.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:23am
794: Lori says:

I really don’t see as how I would pressure or be needy. I don’t ask anything of him nor do I expect anything. I’m completely self sufficient and have my own life. I’m very busy between work, my kids, my friends and now CDing.

I think you’re right, that when the meeting for work fell through, he felt like it was on him. Then the excuse of going to CA to see his daughter.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:23am
795: Starla says:

“he had asked me to while he was so busy in season.”

you mean when you two were actually an item? or now? he might just say “come to me” now that you’re broken up, because he’s not wanting to pursue or doesn’t want to be expected to because he’s very sensitive to romantic pressure from women. again, he might not even realize it.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:25am
796: Starla says:

Lori, i believe that you don’t necessarily act in a pressuring or needy way, but I think us sirens here can totally tell from your posts that when it comes to this man, you definitely have a pressuring/needy thing going on. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

and he can sense this. and you know what? he’s RIGHT. cuz he felt the pressure and didn’t make new plans with you, and you DID feel disappointed, angry, and on the verge of telling him to go away forever:P

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:26am
797: Lori says:

Sigh…I’m trying to get at the root of how I feel. I guess I was hoping that he would still want to see me. He’s known I’ve wanted us to talk for several weeks now. It’s apparent that he doesn’t want to or he would have by now. I’m going to have to let it go.

I’m wondering if it’s going to take me just not being there before he realizes what he has.

I’m sorry, I know i’m being a downer. I really do appreciate you ladies helping me to figure this out.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:28am
798: Starla says:

But now that we’ve established that, now what? I’m not sure what to do about this. It definitely has nothing to do with saying something to him. Or doing anything to him (ignoring him/not ignoring him/whatever). This is an innerwork type thing.

I wish I had some good advice or direction here. This is where coaches come in. I’m SURE dominique has given you awesome tools — you’re talking with her, right?

or maybe we can keep searching for tools for you that feel right and doable, if you haven’t found one that clicks yet.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:29am
799: Lori says:

Starla 794, I think you are right. I’m working on changing this but apparently haven’t been very successful. Maybe the best thing I can do truly is to back away until I don’t feel that way any longer. I’m really not sure. I don’t want him to go away and it doesn’t seem like he really wants to go away because he is in consistent contact with me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:30am
800: Lori says:

Yes, I talk to Dominique. She’s a great help. I’m still leaving my cell off as I don’t feel like talking to him. I’m emotional right now and don’t feel like dealing.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:31am
801: Starla says:

lori, you’re not a downer. this is exactly what the blog is here for.

well, i’m hearing that you want him to desire your company and time, and to desire it enough to do something about it.

this is good to get clear about! awesome awesome awesome

because now that you know this, you did already know that leaning forward, convincing, making it ‘easy’ for him by traveling to him, EXPECTING him to quell your insecurities with specific things you have in mind (like making new plans with you in this case), etc., is NOT going to make him desire you. And if you can keep reminding yourself of what it is that you WANT, you will stop yourself from the behaviors and thinking that undermine what you want.

but i would ultimately suggest working on not wanting any one particular man at all to want and desire you, as a single woman. that’s a big step, though… one i never really mastered.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:34am
802: Shar Lean Way Back says:

Lori, I think your vibe was way up when you were cd’ing like crazy and you “knew” he wasn’t available anway..but the whole time you were “Expecting” him to want to see you as soon as the season, i.e. super bowl was over. And I forget if it’s Rori or CC but one of them or both, say men run from the hills when we say we want to have a talk.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:35am
803: Shar Lean Way Back says:

oops for the hills

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:35am
804: Starla says:

lori, do you text/call every day with each other?

leaving the cell off for a day is a great idea. give your adrenals a chance to relax, instead of anxiously looking at the phone for if he’s saying something and how he’s saying it.

this is great for at first, but ultimately, a woman who has to resort to shutting off her phone is no more in control than the woman who texts and calls too much, or who waits by the phone for his contact. It’s all out of neediness and expectations and the disappointment of it all. And THATS where the work is — *not* the minutia of if you talk to him, if you don’t, if you’re available, if you’re not… etc.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:38am
805: Lori says:

I think you ladies are right. It’s taken me a bit to get to the root. That is what I wanted. I rode out the difficult time in the season and he had told me he would have more time after the superbowl. Well, here it is after the Superbowl. I need to work on changing my vibe and CD like crazy. I’m sure he doesn’t feel like he even needs to work for me not that he wants any woman right now. I’m sure he knew I wanted time with him and he backed off.

I’m having a lot of doubts today. I need to work on getting through this day of work and then some time for me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:38am
806: Lori says:

STarla 802. No we don’t text, email or call every day. Rarely do we text or email. I don’t generally call him. I did today because of the change in plans. I didn’t want to not tell him that the business meeting fell through and just show.

He calls me pretty much twice a week. I don’t contact him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:41am
807: Starla says:

((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))

honestly I think you’re doing beautifully for where you’re at, and you always arise from these moments with a stronger sense of taking care of yourself and authentically keeping the focus on you.

((((((((((((((Lori’s doubts))))))))))))))))

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:43am
808: Shar Lean Way Back says:

If it were me, I would forget the talk. I would still be open to him if he called. But I would keep it short and say great talking to you , I have to go now. And then hang up and immediately turn your attention to something else. Have your list already to pick from. Taking one of those hikes would be my choice

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:45am
809: Shar Lean Way Back says:

lol “all ready” …ya’ll know what I mean no more corrections

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:49am
810: Starla says:

804 oh i understand now:) i thought you did text or call a lot because you decided to shut off the phone.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:51am
811: Lori says:

No, we generally talk twice a week. Always have, even after he withdrew. He calls me, I don’t call him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:52am
812: Indigo says:

Lori,

What stood out for me from your post was this:

“He’s known I’ve wanted us to talk for several weeks now.”

Of course he knows. My interpretation is, he’s just not ready. He knows what this talk means to you and he doesn’t want to disappoint you, because he’s just not ready to have it yet.

There is NOTHING you can do to change this, if he’s not ready. He obviously cares for you, but can he give you what you want right now? That’s why I encouraged you to ask yourself whether you could stand being disappointed like this whilst he figures it out. We won’t judge you either way.

((((hugs))))

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:53am
813: Indigo says:

For me personally, no I can’t really stand it. Which is why, on some level, the significantly less communication with D feels good to me for the foreseeable future.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 10:57am
814: Starla says:

Ohhh okay, Lori. So why turn off the phone? What does that represent to you? And does the thing that it represents — is this something you can generate for yourself, without him being any emotional/mental focus of it ?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:02am
815: Lori says:

Indigo, he told me that he would like to talk but doesn’t have time. Superbowl is over and it still appears he doesn’t have time. Or won’t make it, maybe for the reasons you have stated above. Who knows. I’m calming. I think I’m reacting alot because I’m totally exhausted.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:03am
816: Lori says:

Starla, I guess because I wasn’t ready to talk with him when he calls back. I’ve been really emotional this morning, partly because I’m so tired (work) and because of my disappointment in not seeing him. I didn’t want to fall apart over the phone.

In addition, I feel like I’m always here for him when he calls. What has he lost with his decision to not be in a relationship? I’m still here.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:08am
817: Mercedes says:

Lori: This is where J and I were for a while and I hated it but…it gave me a lot of time to figure out what I wanted and what I would and wouldn’t be able to live with/without and yes…it gave HIM time to realize what he wanted as well. I’m grateful it was US that we ended up wanting but at the time, I was pretty sure it wasn’t and I was ready to move on and find what made me happy:

“I’m wondering if it’s going to take me just not being there before he realizes what he has.”

It hurts and it’s really, really hard but ultimately, if you act like a friend to him, he will treat you like a friend (or less depending on how he’s feeling deep down and what he’s ready for). If you take some time to figure out exactly what you want in a man and if you date lots of men who can help you find that, and if you give HIM time to miss you and realize what life will be like without you, it will make a world of difference in the end when the two of you find who you want to be with (whether that be each other or someone else).

When I finally took J back (or rather, started taking him back), I knew so much more about my boundaries because I had stuck to them so strong for so long.

Hope that helps and little and wish I could be there to give you a big hug. My heart goes out to you so much…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:11am
818: Lori says:

Mercedes, I already know that I don’t want to just be his friend. So what do I do?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:14am
819: Mercedes says:

Lori: In my opinion, give him time and space. To be fair, I told J I was going to do that and I asked him to give ME time and hold off on the phone calls/texts. He didn’t, but I didn’t respond. When he pulled out the “Please just tell me you’re okay. I’m really worried about you.” stuff I would respond with “I’m good. I’m busy taking care of myself. Thank you for asking. No need to worry about me.” (or something like that) and then I would go silent again. And I dated a lot and I really, really started taking care of myself.

Before I knew it, his texts were no longer just checking in or friendly or asking me if I was okay…they turned to HIM wanting to talk to ME about the relationship. I took all my focus off of him and off of *us* (whatever that was) and put it on me and responded to him rarely and politely when it felt good to me. I didn’t answer his calls at all for a long time but would send a quick text after he called letting him know I wasn’t ready for phone conversations yet.

I knew that what I was doing could cause him to walk away forever and I was prepared for that but I also knew deep down that a man who really loved me would not walk away just because I was taking care of myself and taking time for myself. In reality, a man who was really in love with me would become even more attracted as I took better care of myself. That’s exactly what happened.

So, I guess, if we’re comparing my story to yours, my advice would be to tell him you need time, stop the phone conversations, start dating a lot and really taking care of yourself (and meditating on it – but meditation is kind of my “thing” so…not sure you’ll resonate with that) and send short replies when he initiates letting him know you are okay but need some space. And then, I would be open to talking about the relationship when HE asks you for that.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:24am
820: Rebecca says:

Sorry, I’m going to vent…

I’m feeling fruastrated in work…

Grrr….

I feel tense in my shoulders and through my body..

Poor me… (((((me)))))

I am trying so hard… I am working so hard…

I am not being “treated” with respect.

Poor me ((((((me))))))

I can’t change this.

I embrace my frustration…

I love my anger and my tension.

I deserve fair treatment and respect…

Big hugs to me….

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:29am
821: Starla says:

814
ahhh i see

i totally get you now

and please remember there’s a difference between leaning back and holding back. if a man says can i call you back at x time, and you say yes, then do answer it. or if he says, can i call you back later, will you please be around to take my call, and you say yes, then do answer it. but otherwise, it’s you’re phone, do what you want with it:).

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:29am
822: Lori says:

Mercedes, that’s actually how I’m feeling. I feel happy when he calls but it’s like I feel happy but yet, I wonder at it’s purpose. How is anything going to change if he can just reach out to me to whenever he wants? Does any of this make sense? I don’t want to push him away but this isn’t enough. He knows I have male friends. But, I’m not nor have i been intimate with them.

I would really appreciate help with sending him an email. He’s supposed to call me back today but I feel like I need space to take a step back from him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:31am
823: Violette says:

Lori, when I get hung up on a man not showing up for me, it helps to find ways to cleanse my energy of him, send him forgiveness and love, and free myself. Things that help are cleaning my house, washing clothes by hand, lighting candles, taking sea salt baths, burning sage, (going on a date)…and it sounds like you could use some good old fashioned sleep. He is in your life to show you how to be more free and happy. It’s all good and you are on the right track. The more you cleanse your energy and feel great no matter what he’s doing, the more likely he is to come forward!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:32am
824: Lori says:

I did tell him he could call me back. I’m just starting to feel like I’m at his mercy for when he decides to call. Maybe that’s all he can do at this time which is fine for him to make that decision. But, I have to take care of me and this isn’t okay for me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:33am
825: Rebecca says:

Grrr

I am in the position of art director but nobody is listening to me…

I feel soooo angry and frustrated….

I love my anger and frustration…

What can I learn from this??

I feel like I am looking for a “secret formula”

I feel scared that I have been given an impossible task and these people are untrainable….

They have no intention of trying to learn anything – their ears are shut!!

And this makes me mad because it means I can’t do my job…

And I feel really tense and suppressed anger…

And trapped..,

I love these feelings… I’m going to siiiinnnnkkk into them.. Deep down…

Ahhhhhhh

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:36am
826: Lori says:

I do need some TLC and attention, from CDs and from myself. I most certainly need some rest and sleep. I cannot wait to be off work. I’m tapped out.

I guess I’m feeling like, why should he come forward? He comes forward as much as he wants by phone. It’s all on his terms.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:37am
827: Starla says:

eh, lori, if he didn’t give you a specific time, don’t worry about it. leave the phone off for a day. hell, leave it off for 2 days. you ARE entitled to that. and you definitely don’t have to explain yourself to him or warn him that you’re gonna do it. if he get’s all weird and anxious about it, not your problem. if he wanted it to be your problem, he’d have to claim you as his woman. i certainly sometimes miss friends who tried to call me back for a couple of days and when i get back to them, it is perfectly acceptable that it took me a couple of days.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:38am
828: Starla says:

lori, i’m excited. i keep feeling like you and your life are on the verge of this amazing breakthrough, and you are already such a solid lady to begin with…

!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:39am
829: Lori says:

He didn’t give me a specific time. He just asked if he could call me back. I just feel like pulling back and am struggling not too. I’ve never been one to be selfish but I think it’s high time I started putting me first and taking care of me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:40am
830: Turquoise says:

SOOOOOOOOOO…. WTF do I do this this.

Sweetheart hadn’t texted me all morning, which is unusual, but I wasn’t worrying about it. Busy day at work and I am leaning back. So, about 2:00 I get this text:

Just wanted to let you know I’ll be at my house for the weekend. M and I have quite a few things to work out, figure out and discuss. Make whatever plans you need to make. I’ll call you when I can.

Me: What about the dinner show Sunday? (I already got the tickets, going with my sisters and their significant others)

SH: I’ll have to let you know. If I can’t make it, I’ll pay you for the ticket, that’s no problem. Things got very complicated last night and we have been arguing. Going to put a period on things and work out the taxes, visitation, etc.. She’s off today and I’m going out there before the kids get home from school.

Me: Why do you need to stay there?

And no response, so I guess she picked him up.

I’m CDing this weekend if I can conjure up some dates! I’m not worried they are getting back together, but I’m not comfortable being committed to someone who chooses to spend the weekend at his old house with his family, even if it is to work on separation and divorce type stuff, rather than spend the day there, and be with me in the evenings. Now I know how C’s ex fiance and girlfriends must have felt/feel. This is akward.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:40am
831: Lori says:

Starla 826, thank you for all your support. I’m generally much stronger but not today. I think I want a chocolate lava cake, ice cream and vodka.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:42am
832: Lori says:

I feel like in a way, that he’s taking me for granted that I will be here and he doesn’t have to do any more.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:43am
833: Starla says:

Lori, we so all have these moments. i KNOW you’re very strong. i actually think it might do ya some good to go ‘weak’ when you get home and just crumple up on the floor and breathe deep into and feel into all these feelings in your body. maybe cry a little bit. drink lots of water (thanks, daria, for that tip for productive, healing crying). then turn your attention to taking care of you:)

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:51am
834: Femininewoman says:

Lori he is not taking you for granted. He told you he wants to break up. He is being a polite friend plus he does not want to be the bad guy. So he keeps in touch as a friend. It is to soothe his guilty feelings. Until he senses you are okay. Memulo’s guy walked away with no contact for months. This guy’s ego will not allow him to do that. He like many guiys believe he is a good guy so he is concerned about deliberately hurting.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:52am
835: Lori says:

Fortunately I work from home so have been pretty much crying all morning.

Frankly, if he is only keeping in contact with me to soothe his ego, I don’t need it. I’m a big girl and will take care of me. But, I don’t believe this is what it is.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:54am
836: Rebecca says:

How do I be an art director??

Eeewwww…..

Do I just let people get on with it even though I am desperate to “direct”….

I am seen as the “baddie” asking people to change this and change that.

They are being defensive. Saying they “can’t” do it!!

Ahhhh I am sooooo frustrated….

Sorry I think I am OCD…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:55am
837: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise this is a great time to check in with yourself

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:56am
838: Femininewoman says:

Turq I keep going back to Tyler Perry’s diary of a Mad Black Woman. She had to go back to living with him for a while and taking care of him to get clear on her feelings. To get clear that she did not want to be with him any more. Then she flew passionately back to the new guy.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 11:59am
839: Starla says:

lori i really don’t think he’s only soothing his ego. i’m not sure it would serve you to look at him as using you by contacting you.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:00pm
840: Femininewoman says:

Steve Harvey just said on his show 10 percent of life happens to 90 percent is what you choose to do about it. Take lemons and make lemonade.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:01pm
841: Turquoise says:

FW, I feel reaction oriented. He did this, so I’ll do this. I don’t want to look or feel stupid.

Realistically, I know they have a lot to work out, and divorce can be extremely painful/challenging.

I need to know what to say when he texts me. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed I won’t get to see him. I want to feel like the priority…. yet I know he has to take care of all that, before we can be anything real, if that’s what is even going to happen.

So, what do I say if/when he calls. All I’m coming up with is good luck, hope it all works out the way you want it to. Which is not a feeling message at all… ugh, where is Mel????

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:01pm
842: Lori says:

I don’t believe he is either Starla. I think he can’t handle more than friendship at this point. He doesn’t want to lose me so keeps us at this point. I feel like I need to do what Mercedes did in order to take care of me. Not for him but for me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:02pm
843: Turquoise says:

Who am I in that Diary scenario? Is he the mad black woman? lol.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:03pm
844: Femininewoman says:

Lori it might not be but truly we don’t know. Also you don’t know if he keeps in touch because he has feelings for you. Yet that is what you choose to believe.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:04pm
845: Lori says:

That’s true FW. I just know the way he feels about women in general and how limited his time is. I’m finally starting to feel like it’s not about him any more. It’s about me and what I need or don’t need. I need to make it about me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:07pm
846: Turquoise says:

Lori,

A friend of mine has a theory that the reason they pop back up/in, is because they want to make sure you don’t hate them… that you are still a possible option, even if they don’t want you right now, that the bridge isn’t burned.

I don’t know your whole story, but I tried the friend thing with Mr. Conversation, and it was very confusing. We acted almost like a married couple, were together all the time, talked constantly, yet he kept reminding me that he thought I wanted us to be a real couple, and he didn’t want that right now, and maybe never would. So, when I’d start to pull away, he’d lean forward and say something like… I don’t want to close the door on that possibility though, you are amazing and 75% of what we want is the same. It was kind of crazy, but I did learn a lot from the experience though. Mainly that it felt wonderful to be that close to someone, but I wanted it all… not just a friendship, even if it had some benefits.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:08pm
847: Femininewoman says:

Turq I am thinking of hime as the woman and his wife as the husband she broke up with. You would be the new guy she met. Shemar Moore. That’s the story I am choosing to believe

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:10pm
848: Starla says:

“I don’t believe he is either Starla. I think he can’t handle more than friendship at this point”

I bet it would be more accurate to say he can’t handle more than friendship with a woman whose needs he feels he cannot meet.

I feel connected to this aspect of your story because i made QZ feel like he couldn’t meet my needs, so he withdrew — no man wants to be a failure or on a fool’s quest to never do or be enough to keep a woman truly happy. I was so mad for so long — like he dumped me because i had the audacity to expect something out of him. But now I realize that it wasn’t that I expected it, it’s that my vibe made him feel constantly wrong, and like he had little freedom to choose for himself. So he started making other plans before i could even have the opportunity to put pressure on him. he really didn’t handle it well. even though the whole time he did have serious romantic feelings for me.

men are generally better at taking care of themselves than women are when it comes to putting their foot down and leaving an unfulfilling relationship, even if they just kind of poof.

at this point i’m just intellectually m*sturbating and this probably isn’t helping you, hehe. but i felt like typing and musing a bit… so there you have it.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:11pm
849: Turquoise says:

So, what does the siren say in this situation….

I’m sad I won’t get to see you, but understand how much there is to deal with. I hope it goes well. I’m going to take care of me and enjoy my weekend.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:12pm
850: Lori says:

I don’t think I can be his friend right now. I feel too raw. I’m going to take the weekend to really examine how i feel and my decision will be best for me not about him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:13pm
851: Turquoise says:

Starla… help!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:13pm
852: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise that is all giving to him. I believe I feel disappointed and pouty is sufficient. Or I will feel soooo happy when this is all over

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:15pm
853: Lori says:

I bet it would be more accurate to say he can’t handle more than friendship with a woman whose needs he feels he cannot meet.

That’s the thing Starla, for the life of me I have no clue as to what needs I have that he feels he can’t meet. i ask nothing of him but time which is generally once a week or every two weeks. For an evening. He knows I have my own life. It’s not that he can’t make time, he won’t. Then with all the crap he’s been through with his EX and his former business partner, he flat out told me he doesn’t like my gender.

I truly don’t feel this is about me.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:17pm
854: Rori Raye says:

Violete – Welcome – and you’ve got a feminine energy man there (at least some of the time…) – and it also seems like you’re heavily into masculine energy. Reversing this is up to you. All might be just fine if you could leave him alone and be okay with the way he is – He says “I don’t know what to do here (like he disagrees with what’s being said…) – and instead of giving him instructions like a man “Just say so!” you put your hand on his cheek and say “I love you…” and smile, then go back to your conversation.

In other words – stop trying to WANT him to DO anything! This is all about you. Please start with my ebook and let e know how that works for you. Feeling Messages are the way in to feminine energy communication…Love, Rori

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:18pm
855: Starla says:

I’m sad I won’t get to see you, but understand how much there is to deal with. I hope it goes well. I’m going to take care of me and enjoy my weekend.

take out “GET” to see you. otherwise this is basically great

I feel disappointed, and I understand there is a lot you’re dealing with right now. I’m going to take care of me and enjoy my weekend.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:18pm
856: Femininewoman says:

Or I feel disappointed even though I plan to enjoy myself and totally have fun

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:18pm
857: Lizka says:

I really didnt pick my day for an no-overfuctionning challenge!!!!

We are having a snowstorm here in Montreal so they closed our offices earlier and I am plannin to leave. I feel so excited about going home earlier, like a little elementary school girl!

Cheri has to stay because he has a lot of work to do.

Because we live very close (but he is always at my place anyway), we always take my car to go to the office.

He said to go and he will meet me. I feel bad to have him taking the metro loaded with people, so overfunctionning me is saying to wait for him at the office for the rest of the day.

I’m terrible aren’t I?

So I guess because my challenge is no overfunctionning, I should just go home and wait for him there?

It feels mean to have him take the teansportation. But after all he was taking the metro all the time when I wasn’t there, no?

Ok I’m going home…

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:18pm
858: Mercedes says:

Lori: I did it for me too and I believe you can as well but be sure you are doing it for YOU and not to get him back. There is a big chance he could walk away forever, but you’ll be strong enough to remember that if that happens, it is because he really, even deep down, did not want more from you.

I personally let J know ahead of time because I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t trying to just be mean and ignore him, I really did need time to work on me. I don’t think I owed him that explanation but it felt right because we had been in constant contact until that time so it would have really worried him if I had simply disappeared and nothing in me wanted to hurt or worry him, I just wanted (needed) to get away from him for a time. After I told him what I needed though, I stopped responding except when he told me he was worried.

I told J in person when I went to pick up a few of my things that I had left at his place so I don’t know about doing it via email but regardless, I would keep it very short. Something like “I know I said you could call me later, but I really need to take a few weeks (or whatever time frame this is for you) to take care of myself and get some much needed ‘me’ time in. I’m not going to be available for a while.”

And that’s it. I wouldn’t say much more.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:19pm
859: Starla says:

“That’s the thing Starla, for the life of me I have no clue as to what needs I have that he feels he can’t meet. i ask nothing of him but time which is generally once a week or every two weeks.”

Lori, he just senses the pressure and neediness. I can sense it whenever you type about him letting you down.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:20pm
860: Lizka says:

I’m going home and will be overfunctionning… On myself!!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:20pm
861: Starla says:

“I know I said you could call me later, but I really need to take a few weeks (or whatever time frame this is for you) to take care of myself and get some much needed ‘me’ time in. I’m not going to be available for a while.”

Lori I ditto this x10000. perfect email to send to him.

then the trick is just following through with it. i’ve seen so many women (including myself, sigh) tell a man they’re gonna take some space, only to be contacting them a few days later (or worse, later that day!)

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
862: Lori says:

and that’s why I’m wondering if I need some time to back away and take care of me. I am afraid that he will walk away and not be back but…if he did, then he really never cared for me in the first place.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
863: Lizka says:

Hmmm I’m gonna listen to my favourite mysic in the car on my way home while driving in the storm. It feels fun to drive in the storm. I love snow!!! It feels magic!

When at home I will make myself a good tasty tea and read my favourite book, in a big blanket with my baby chihuahua, cuddling.

Ok feeling excited about going home now!!!

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
864: Mercedes says:

Lizka: “So I guess because my challenge is no overfunctionning, I should just go home and wait for him there?” – Don’t be sad about this. Yes…I believe you should go home (take care of yourself, there is a snowstorm and you should be safe. he’s a man, he can handle getting himself home). Why do you feel mean? It’s perfectly reasonable that you would not wait around at the office when you don’t need to be there.

I recommend you go home, take a warm bubble bath (LOVE warm bubble baths when its snowing – although I never really see snow anymore…) and smell all pretty and look all pretty and feel all soft when he comes home. He can handle the logistics of getting where he needs to get and you can handle being the feminine goddess you are when he gets to your place.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:26pm
865: Lori says:

Mercedes and Starla, No, I wouldn’t cave. I rarely have initiated contact with him since he told me he didn’t want a relationship.

I want to take that time but I don’t want him to feel like I don’t care about him anymore. Do you think it’s okay to let him know I care about him but I need to take some time for me?

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
866: Femininewoman says:

Lori I bet you know. It is flying under your radar of consciousness otherwise he would not sense it. We comminicate our emotions even when we are not speaking. It is just the way it is. Bring your attention into your body and ask yourself tough questions the mere fact that you are clinging to him wanmting to talk to you is enough of a signal that you want something or are hiping for something from him.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
867: k2012 says:

“you can go out with your friend if you come over shortly after 10 pm. I didn’t answer this.” Memulo- 708. Memulo u shoud have answered,”excuse me.”. U need his permnission to go out with your friend? What a piece of brightness? You were right to just call your friend and go out with her when u would have been with him. He really sounds controlling Memulo.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
868: Starla says:

Lizka, that’s what I’m doing tonight. I needed a Friday night to myself so badly. QZ has unspoken claim on them (and sundays) because he’s always busy on saturday with a weekly commitment he has to his friends (which i LOVE about him, actually), but this week I knew I needed some ‘me’ focus. So I asked if we could do a Saturday for a change, so I could have the beginning and end of the weekend to myself. Yay! I can’t wait to get home and relax and watch movies and paint my toe nails and do my laundry… i love doing laundry

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
869: Mercedes says:

Lizka: I like your idea for when you get home too! Tea and a good book…two of my favorite combinations!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:27pm
870: Mercedes says:

Lori: 865. Yes…I think it’s okay but I don’t think it’s necessary and I believe it puts a lot of focus on HIM. For me, those words need to be all about YOU taking time but I don’t think anything bad will happen if you tell him you care about him. I think he knows that without you telling him but if it feels better to say it then I personally see no harm.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:29pm
871: Starla says:

I want to take that time but I don’t want him to feel like I don’t care about him anymore. Do you think it’s okay to let him know I care about him but I need to take some time for me?

girl, he KNOWS you care about him. you’re still in overfunctioning mode, feeling like if you don’t say you care, he’ll disappear. how about YOU will disappear if he doesn’t show he cares about seeing you??? flip it around, you are the prize.

in fact, i think throwing in anything about the fact that you still care might make it a bit more serious and dramatic (ie not appropriate to the situation because you’re not together) than it really needs to be.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:31pm
872: Femininewoman says:

Re 865 he already know you catre about him. Otherwise you would have left a long time ago. Logically he gets that

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:33pm
873: Lori says:

I agree ladies. He already knows. I need to take space for me. It feels like a rollercoaster ride to me and I need to get off.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:34pm
874: Starla says:

hehe i like that we’re all saying the same things. i’m glad to know i’m not giving lori some irresponsible, radical advice or something

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:35pm
875: Lori says:

I almost feel like i do need space from him. From his phone calls or anything else. Being used to his calling every few days to where i expect. I know we are supposed to let go of expectations but when something is routine and has been, it’s difficult.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:36pm
876: Femininewoman says:

K2012 I feel nostalgic reading your colloquial expressions.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:37pm
877: Starla says:

Lori, a few weeks to yourself isn’t going to push him away.

if he is really worried you no longer care, he’ll ask. and you can say “no sweetie of course i care. i just need this time to myself” or something like that. just don’t villanize him as the cause (or the other extreme of putting him on a pedestal)

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:37pm
878: Starla says:

“i need this time to myself, and i’ve been feeling a little off balance being in touch with you since we broke up” is something great to say if he does ask what is up with you. but i don’t think you need to even volunteer that you’re feeling off balance because of him. i’m sure he’s not stupid and will infer it anyway.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:39pm
879: Lori says:

No, I think I will send an email with the way Mercedes phrased it. I don’t want to really do it by email but he isn’t giving me much of a choice. This whatever it is, has only been about him. If and when he talks call me like he’s the only one who matters. One of my biggest faults is putting others before myself. major overfunctioner.

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:39pm
880: Lizka says:

Thanks all on your suggestions! I wish I could take a bath! But mine is so small that I never used it. Just as a shower.

I could go to my mom’s place for a bath.m, she has a huge one!! But she lives too far to drive in this snow. Too bad

Friday, 8 February 2013 @ 12:40pm
881: Starla says:

ooh lizka, you could just soak your feet at home. that sounds SO nice

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