If You’re Not “Into” The Good Guys – Read This…

This is a letter from Leslie – and I’m going to be “guest posting” a lot of her letters with my answers.  Her thoughts are so universal, and hit such a chord with me…

“Hi, Rori-

I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation on Monday. You gave me homework to blurt things out. It’s been kinda fun, although I think I terrified a waiter yesterday with my, “Your adorable!” (He was– in a clearly gay way. I think he misunderstood my impulse.)

It’s another busy week– I’m sitting in Manhattan right now, planning on driving back to home and snow tonight. Then tomorrow, to Montreal to pick up a friend’s puppy that I’m dogsitting next week.

There’s been so much to do that I’ve spent very little time thinking about boys at all.

When I do, I think about Giving Up. Not throwing in the towel– just what you said about letting go.

Sometimes, more than at any other point in my life, I feel like I’m a Diva. I feel good– like I’m finally the person I’ve always planned to be, the person who will cross the finish line to my Happily Ever After.

The French writer Collette wrote, “Instead of getting married at once, it sometimes happens that we get married at last.”

I’ve often thought of that. I read it when I was about 20…so maybe the fact that I’ve remembered it for 30 years implies that that’s what I was planning all along, unbeknownst to myself.

So I’m happy, Rori. And I recognize the truth in what you said on Monday night– that a woman can fall in love with any man (within reason) who is in love with her.

God that’s depressing, though. A blessing, and depressing. I suppose Circular Dating insures that there’s a broad enough pool of suitors that we don’t have to “settle.” I’m not saying I’d be depressed to make compromises. But I remember how desperate I was to go to Prom, and how I said yes to Dan, who was a guy in my social circle.

Dan was a perfectly nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. His voice really bugged me– there was just sort of a weird quality to it that was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. And he had a mustache, which is not really my thing. (When I was a kid, I used to hide in the closet when my parents’ only mustachioed friend, Mr. Crow, would come over.)

I wanted to go to Prom, and Dan asked me. I think probably all the guys in our social circle who were single sat down and figured out who’d ask which girl.

I felt like I HAD to say yes to Dan. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But I wasn’t excited about it. I had all these wonderful boy friends– in fact, that year, for my 16th birthday in April, 9 guys got t-shirts printed up that said “LESLIE PROTECTION AGENCY” and gave me themselves, as a private army, for a birthday present.

Dan was one of those guys. He was a sweet guy, and looking objectively I can see that he wasn’t a bad looking guy. Who knows, maybe if he hadn’t had a mustache and that weird vocal quality (that didn’t seem to bother anyone else) maybe I’d have felt attracted to him.

Actually- probably not. He just wasn’t my cup of tea.

Of the 9 guys on the LRA, I’d have been happy to go to Prom with 7 of them. And to kiss the same 7.

I remember sitting there at dinner, feeling sad that I was with Dan. And where all the other guys got their dates roses in wrist corsages (very pretty), Dan got me an orchid to pin on my dress. It probably cost a lot more than the roses. But roses are my favorite flower, and orchids…not so much.

I don’t mean to be whining. I’m just remembering how awful it felt to be there with him and be a little ashamed of who I was with. I felt like I should have held out for one of the guys I liked better, who I hung out with more. I ended up having to fix Rich H. up with my friend Linda B., who he didn’t know, because Rich left it to the last minute and by the time he rented his tux, all the girls in our group were spoken for.

And I remember how unpleasant it was to kiss Dan goodnight, because I didn’t want to kiss him anyway.

So when you say we can fall in love with anyone who loves us…I know it’s true. I just don’t want to have to marry someone I’m not over the moon about.

It doesn’t have to feel like a choir of angels is singing every minute of every day. I don’t need to feel a Kathy and Heathcliff “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same” thing.

All I mean is I want someone that, after I introduce him to a friend, I later call her and say, “-isn’t he GREAT?” And MEAN it. And be thrilled about who he is.

My cousin and her boyfriend were in town with me for four days last week, and it was interesting to observe a couple at close range for that long. He really loves her, and vice-versa. They really think the other one is the bee’s knees.

I don’t want to settle.

I know that’s not what you’re advocating. It’s just the flip side of “You can fall in love with any man who loves you” is “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

I don’t want another Dan experience.

And I still don’t understand the whole thing with Bill now. It’s so disappointing.

Cleaning my house in NJ, I found a journal entry from August that recorded a conversation with him. He said, “This thing”(meaning us) “took me completely by surprise. I’m still wrapping my head around the intensity.” And he said he’d started spending more time with the other girl because if he was going to get to know her better, he figured he’d better do it “now”. By which he meant while I was in NYC, because later I’d be coming back up here and we’d be together.

I remember looking at him and saying, “Bill, what you feed grows and what you starve dies.”

Sorry to drone on about him, Rori. I get that there’s nothing to be done about it.

I just don’t understand why my right brain still says he’s the one and my left brain says, “RUN, little one, RUN!!”

The cognitive dissonance is crazy-making. I woke up last night at 4 am and cried for 20 minutes.

Ok…so now you’ve read pretty much the sum total of my thoughts about boys this week. Was waiting for someone who eventually came, so am now back in the real world instead of my head.

Have to walk now, so signing off.

Hope you’re well.

Leslie”

My Answer:

Leslie – I’m right there with you…all through high school and even college – I dated guys I wasn’t into. Could barely kiss them.

Then the “bad” boys started to show up, and one of them was actually amazing for me. Then he became emotionally whacked out on drugs (and that was a real loss) – and then I let the great guy who loved me go.

Not long after college, I found the man I thought was my “soul mate” – my first husband (you can read about him in one of my books). He liked to put me down on a regular basis until, by the end of the marriage, I felt like a lump.

And most of it was me not knowing me or how to express myself and create a real connection.

When I finally met my wonderful now and forever husband – the old “I’m not into him” stuff came up. But it was different this time.

I was more mature – this man really WAS able to connect with me – and it was as though I had decided I wasn’t into him rather than that actually being true.

There are many variations on this theme…it took me many, many years of heartache to figure this out.

Right now….we’re trying to shrink down your exploration time – way shorter than mine – and I believe that’s possible.

You’ll see.  Just keep track of what’s going on for you and around you. Do NOT assume that the feeling or vision or “hit” you have with a man now is the same as back then with “Dan.”

Just keep exploring and allowing….

Love, Rori

written by Permalink

2,636 Comments to “If You’re Not “Into” The Good Guys – Read This…”

  1. 1: femenergyloveNo Gravatar says:

    yoohoo sirens :) new post :)
    CD#1 is coming over to my house…..EXPLORING AND ALLOWING……beam!!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:22am

  2. 2: LDNo Gravatar says:

    CDate with a minister on Sunday is my EXPLORING and ALLOWING. Probably not one I would’ve considered in the past….

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:33am

  3. 3: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So my level of maturity affects how he connects with me??? hhhhmmmmm

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:34am

  4. 4: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello world, I’m thankful for FW’s CD adding a little more faith to my thinking.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:40am

  5. 5: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Ug. This post is timely. And I almost resent it. I WANT the right to not like the men I don’t like. I DON’T WANT to have to be open-minded about the ones I suspect are “not for me.”

    And so I am disgruntled about Rori’s position, just like Leslie in the post. Although I’m hoping she actually says more about her position in another post. I’m left wondering here a bit, Rori. But I think I get the gist: “give them a chance.”

    So here’s my conundrum, and I REALLY need some insight on this, Sirens!

    AlphaMale….the aggressive guy I have seen five times in eight days??? I’m just not sure I am feeling it for him. I am noticing red flags – at the very least they are pink flags. I could tell you that I “can’t put my finger on it,” and that would be close to the truth. But I think what is bugging me are the following issues…

    1) Physical attraction – On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel about a 6.5 for him. He’s not a great kisser – too messy, lots of tongue, too aggressive and intense. I’ve helped scale that back by kissing back softer and slower and with more playfulness, and he seems to have gotten it. But is that too leading??? But still, sometimes when that tongue comes at me…bleh! Also, sometimes his breath is gross (he drinks coffee and I do not, and I do not like coffee breath).

    2) Related to #1, but my problem completely, and I am aware that it is my problem – I’m afraid my friends will not feel he’s for me…that I “can do better.” He does not dress very well and is not very fashionable. I know it’s not important, but what they think matters to me a little. I think he thinks that HE’s not good enough for me too. I wonder if I don’t think he’s good enough for me either and it’s coming through??

    3) Confidence/Esteem/Depression/Negativity -he seems to have confidence issues and perhaps even be a bit depressed. He is recovering from a devastating job loss from last year (although he is employed now) and still seems to be processing his last break-up. Having been married to a clinically depressed man, I’m just not sure I can “go there” again with another man. He seems to be low-energy at times and to focus on the negative. And he gets all quiet and broody, which I DO NOT like and which TRIGGERS ME insanely. He reminds me of the depressed donkey from Winnie the Poo (Eeyore). It bums me out.

    4) Manipulation – The brooding and the not saying what is wrong is getting irritating- I can tell “something is wrong,” but I’m not going to ask things like, “What’s wrong, Alpha???” and feed into it, only to have him sigh and say, “Oh, nothing….” I am cautious about being manipulated emotionally by a man.

    5) Possessiveness – I think part of the brooding and Eeyore routine is that he likes me a lot and wants the safety of “instant relationship,” but I have made it clear that I want to take our time and that I am dating other people. He brings it up a lot – that he feels a bit jealous, that he’d like to see me more (MORE than FIVE times in EIGHT days!!!???). He has assumed that my free Wednesday nights are “his,” and I do not want that. Sometimes I want to have dinner with friends or be alone or even accept another date.

    So, what I am feeling? I am feeling:

    - Unattracted
    - Vaguely uncomfortable
    - A little irritable
    - Familiarity (he’s like my ex in some ways)
    - Cautious (my flight response is kicking in)
    - Fearful/Pressure

    I mean, what do we owe these guys we’re just not feeling it for??? I like many things about him, but I’m getting uncomfortable. Is that my “BOY ENERGY” talking??? I feel like the guy here.

    Can I ask you Sirens to help me determine how to address these issues either within myself and/or with him if you think he needs to know how I’m feeling??? Please, please, please any insight would be great. I wonder sometimes if people see my long posts and skate right past them….but I could really use your insight and would like to feel heard here on this one, Sirens!

    For the record, this is less about ALPHA than it is about ME and how I handle this situation and be Siren-y.

    Thank you!!!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:35am

  6. 6: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer: Quite simply, I’d ask you how you FEEL around him. Do you feel good, cherished, if not even more amazing than usual?

    That’s what would cinch it for me =)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:54am

  7. 7: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Malaikah:

    Other than the icky feelings I noted above, when I do feel positive things with him, I feel warm and safe. I think he’d slay a dragon for me. But I’m not sure if that is just because of his possessiveness and a contract to men from my pattern/past who so disregarded me that I felt unsafe.

    It just feels like pressure – and I don’t know if I am just so trained to expect disregard that his attention seems too “feminine” to me???

    So, is he really TOO MUCH or is my ability to feel and interpret those feelings just too BROKEN?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:30am

  8. 8: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    “Contrast’ not “contract.”

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:36am

  9. 9: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – I hear you have major doubts around this guy that seem to go deeper than the things cited above. I hear intuition kicking in.

    It’s wonderful to give a man a chance, but when these feelings persist or become stronger as they seem to be for you, then this is something to listen to.

    You don’t have to cut him out completely if you don’t want to; know that this is a nice guy, someone maybe fun to go out with; enjoy him, but maybe he’s not your, “the one.”

    Initially K was not “my type” whatever that was. But I grew to feel more comfortable and more sure about him and rather quickly. Any lingering stuff I had about him was wither trivial or it was wonderful opportunity for my healing. BUT even though I had much on ME to work on, and thus he had things to heal to through me, there was still this knowing about each other that took root early on.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:39am

  10. 10: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I have given ‘nice men’ a chance and onced I start having feelings for them, then they pull back. So I’ve been thinking that perhaps I turn good guys bad, or I should not give them a chace after all. I have not dated a bad guy ever, once I find out they’re married, on drugs, or in legal problems I run and hide.

    The only edgy guy I dated was my ex husband and he was only bad around me. Maybe I do turn guys into bad guys.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:03am

  11. 11: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Tinque.
    These deeper, icky feelings are telling you something, and it’s important for you to tap into them and listen to them. Intuition is a great thing.
    It’s great that you’ve given him a chance, but possessiveness is something that feels really yucky to me; especially at first when a man doesn’t know me too well!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:26am

  12. 12: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW
    I couldn’t find the poem but while I was exploring I found one of Daria’s bunnies:

    153: Daria says:
    Bunny
    (\(\
    ( -.-)
    o_(“)(“)

    Thursday, 9 December 2010 @ 12:51pm

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:32am

  13. 13: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone. Which Siren gave me two tech websites last week for my computer problems? (Sorry I don’t remember who it was!) I lost the names so could you please post them again? THANK YOU!!!! <3 Lucy

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:55am

  14. 14: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I read your post first, then Rori’s article…. and maybe it’s me, but I don’t see much connection between your guy and what Rori wrote. I agree with Tinque. And I’m with you — I totally want to be with a man I feel great with and admire! Otherwise, what’s the point? <3

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:08am

  15. 15: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Then again perhaps I am not turning them ‘bad’ but not setting healthy boudaries, so they end up taking advantage.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:09am

  16. 16: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Ok… I need a little help coming up with a speech.

    It keeps coming out wrong in my head. I’m very frustrated with this man that I’ve been seeing casually for the past few months. I took a break from him for a month and then reconnected and he said that we needed to get out more… go on dates more. I agree with him. The problem is that he isn’t planning any dates… he’s still texting me last minute and wanting to hang out. Which I’m done with.

    This is what I have so far for the next time he texts…

    “I feel happy to hear from you. I want to see you. I don’t want to meet you last minute. I’d like to make plans to spend some quality time together. What do you think?”

    Gosh that feels wrong. Should I be expressing my frustration… If were ranting I’d say….

    “I feel hurt that you aren’t making me a priority. I wish you would call me at the beginning of the week to make plans for the weekend. I’d like to have that to look forward to. I don’t like the uncertainty of “waiting” for you to contact me. Are you just not interested? Why did you make it sound like you wanted to see me more seriously. Why did you promise you’d call to make plans and then text me all weekend about the weather?”

    Yeah… I want the first one to express authentically my emotions wants and needs, but I don’t want the blaming and pleading of the second message.

    HELP!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:27am

  17. 17: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    I’m afraid I’ll do this all wrong… I pushed so many men away by believing that I can’t have what I’m asking for… that I don’t deserve it.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:29am

  18. 18: GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Got this from Aine Belton

    As James Allen puts it: “Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him to himself.”

    2) Your reality serves as a platform and gateway through which you can receive insights from the universe and your Higher Self via signs, signals and occurrences in your day-to-day life that serve as pointers and nudges to guide and assist you on your path.

    The more you recognize that you are eternally connected to an all-loving infinite intelligent source, the more you will allow in the ynchronicities and blessings that are wanting to be offered, and are already being offered on a regular basis.
    Nothing is ‘by chance’. Everything is a potential communication from conscious, unconscious or higher conscious realms!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:31am

  19. 19: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thrilled thrulked by myself

    Thank u Daria for eaking up early and giving me extra slewp time.

    Thank y for putting lunch together for me

    Thank yiu for taking astragalus tincture

    Thanks for bringing the heater last nite.

    Thanka fir putting on jeans earrings and lipgloss..u look great!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 12:02pm

  20. 20: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I wasn’t into Adam at first. I saw him at work plenty and thought he was cute and wicked smart/interesting, but I wasn’t ‘like, omg!.’ Until half way through our first date.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 12:28pm

  21. 21: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Malaikah and Tinque.

    Yeah, my intuition is pinging and zinging and tingling all over the place.

    Alpha texted me today saying he does not want to monopolize my Wednesdays, and I seized on the opportunity to say that I like being flexible on those days to do what needs doing…dinner with friends, a night to myself to read comics at the bookstore, grocery shopping without the kids tagging along, or even a date. I did not say a date “with him.” He has gone silent, so I assume he is digesting my response.

    He does seem to get it eventually, but I am not feeling butterflies like I’d like. I’m going to take some me-time to explore how I feel about “bad boys” and “good boys” and whether I self-sabotage or should follow my intuition.

    I love it here :) Thanks do much!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 12:33pm

  22. 22: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    17 – Loveiseverywhere…you DO you DO deserve a good man! Just because you are you!

    Now stop that stuff right now! Give yourself a hug!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 12:34pm

  23. 23: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Loveiseverywhere – Curb the rant. You already know that it is blaming. Not that all of what you are feeling is not valid, but he certainly won’t respond to it. I think #1 is your best bet. See what he comes back with after “What do you think?”

    If he says something inane again, like about the weather, or he avoids the subject, you could say something along the lines of:

    “I feel better spending my dating and phone time with men who are plan time to see me. I want to have time to make arrangements on my end (for childcare or to get off work or whatever), so being asked out in advance is important to me. What do you think?”

    Other sirens? Your thoughts? Am I suggesting effective wording?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 12:41pm

  24. 24: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer- Thanks so much for the kind words and the input. I feel appreciative. :)

    I know to let go of the rant. It’s amazing to start looking at my speech and though patterns differently.

    I feel you on everything you said earlier… about your situation. I’m hoping Rori doesn’t mean that we have to open to everyone who might love us… I think we need to be true to ourselves… but learn when our flags and dislikes are true flags and dislikes and when they are just vague “protection” against being vulnerable. I keep thinking about a guy I ultimately rejected and second guessing myself… since he was pursuing me. But he was waitress on our first date (the service was horrible… but that wasn’t really her fault… it was her manager and the hostess.) And he was too forward in making comments about how I “should” be handling things in my life. There were red flags… I think I did the right thing.

    I think you know when it’s healthy and when it’s not. I think trusting ourselves is a good thing…

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:08pm

  25. 25: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I felt some positive and some negative things for my ex. If I’d followed my intuition from the beginning I could have saved myself time, energy and tears but I guess there was a lesson in there for me.

    I agree with Malaikah and Tinque, how does he make you feel and what’s your intuition telling you? That ultimately made my mind up about my ex. I was tolerating the negative stuff cos I was trying to focus on his positives but ultimately, I didn’t have a good gut feeling about the situation and called it a day.

    Perhaps create a list of what feels good with him and what doesn’t? Be brutally honest. Maybe when you see it written down it will help clarify things a little? xx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:10pm

  26. 26: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Rude* to the waitress is what I meant.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:11pm

  27. 27: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I posted this on the last thread, but really would appreciate some thoughts on this: I am struggling to get clear: (Thanks SLV for pointing me in the right direction…)

    Ohhhhieeeee…

    Manly Man, who has been riding on the verrryyyyyyyyy back of my horse, is “dancing” with me again.

    He comes on strong, full of his sexual energy, and wants me to invite him over to my home again..tonight. It isn’t the same day invite that bothers me, I went out with Gentle Man Tuesday evening with not a lot of warning. It isn’t that at all. (Gentle Man is wonderful…just the right mix of man)

    I know what it is with Manly Man, it’s I KNOW he wants to get me in the sack…and he hasn’t been quite about it. He is backwards. I wonder if I am the first woman who has been this way or hasn’t given him what he wants. He is way attractive, physically fit, has an excellent career and actually brings a lot to the table. But, his sexual energy scares me. And, because he is so masculine, I feel off-balanced. I honestly haven’t encountered any man like this before.

    And to add to this, I feel intrigued…

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:14pm

  28. 28: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – Hi – the cure for all this is Circular Dating – that means – you’re too focused on this guy. You owe him NOTHING. You’re working towards allowing a man to make you happy. Simple. What you have to do to allow that to happen is to open up the closed-down parts of yourself and get into the light the dark parts of your subconscious that want to keep you trapped in your same-old-same old. You are simply experimenting with different things, different kinds of men, and watching how your reactions are and what your body’s feeling. This is about healing and evolving and choosing…not about trying to make something happen. And you need lots and lots of men in the picture to get the sanity to allow this to be ABOUT healing and transformation. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:15pm

  29. 29: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Loveiseverywhere, I am no expert on this but here’s my suggestion:

    ‘I’d really like to spend more time with you, but I need more notice (# of days) as I have other commitments’

    That way you show you are keen but that you have other stuff going on in your life that you just can’t drop at the last minute for him. Good luck! xx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:19pm

  30. 30: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    I guess I also shouldn’t be answering his texts when I’m truly doing something else… like sleeping.

    I have a hard to time prioritizing myself. I just so damn excited when I hear from him that I forget myself. I need to remember myself…

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:23pm

  31. 31: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, thanks for the input, but Aplha is only one of four men I am taking calls and dates from right now, and I have another three “on the hook.” I totally get “Circular Dating,” and I think I am your poster child for it.

    This man is really pressuring me though–subtly and not-so-subtly–to focus on him. And I am not sure how to handle him. I know that *I* don’t want to be too invoved with him, but he is pursue-y and very in-my-face about wanting me to be “his girlfriend.”

    I’ve delivered that speech (“no girlfriend”). and then he says that he thinks I am “the one,” and I say, “Slooooooow waaaaaay down, dude!” and he says he will.

    So, I guess my question is…what if a man really does seem to bring it, all the “big-ticket items” I say I want (cherishing, step-up, commitment) , but *I’M* not ready??? Obviously, he is being seriously premature (have known him jless than two weeks) and he’s pushing for instant relationship…but how do I handle him now and other men in the future if THEY are pushing for a comitment that I am not ready for???

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:34pm

  32. 32: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    31: Boomer

    I am glued to the edge of my seat on this.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:40pm

  33. 33: GraceNo Gravatar says:

    @loveiseverywhere

    I think you are going to sound needy if you reach out to him and say that. The thing to do is book yourself with other guys who are calling and then when he calls last minute– you say:

    I feel bummed, but I have plans. Wish I had known sooner.

    With a smile. And he will get it.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:44pm

  34. 34: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:51pm

  35. 35: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ouch, my body is aching! From Pole dancing yesterday.

    And I have been eating ALL DAY!

    Just been feeling kinda hungry and wanting food. Have been marking student work and it gets tedious so I kept stopping to treat myself to a cup of tea and a nibble of something.

    And work is non stop right now.

    Luckily tomorrow I am training so won’t eat so much and then have a date…

    Maybe get some down time at the weekend.

    Feeling a bit stressed and overworked right now…

    Looking forward to chilling out in my fem energy again soon.

    Right now I am just gonna sip my tea and catch up on here.

    Last few things to get ready for early start tomorrow then bed.

    Saw Mr B outside pub earlier (I was driving by) he keeps popping back up.

    I felt ok… in fact I kinda felt warm… weird but I think the trigger is becoming less powerful.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 1:52pm

  36. 36: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mercedes,

    Don’t know if you saw my post to you on the other thread.

    I am hoping you will share some of your back story about you and J? Only of you want to of course.

    I am sorry if it would be repetition for you – I think that I might get a lot from it.

    I am at the stage of moving away from a man and I want to become strong with strong boundaries.

    xoxoxox

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:03pm

  37. 37: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Re #5

    OMG, he sounds JUST LIKE a guy I dated last year. My girlfriends even nicknamed him “Eeyore” because he would get this slow, depressing voice when he was being negative. He had exactly all of the qualities your guy has, and I can tell you the ickiness did not go away, but increased over time.

    He was a good kisser though, and my friends joke that’s the only reason why I kept him around as long as I did. : )

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:05pm

  38. 38: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque,

    I still haven’t got to your skincare page yet!!

    But I will.

    Just feeling overwhelmed with stuff to do right now.

    I feel curious, you said skincare is a sideline now. What is your main career or activity? If you don’t mind sharing.

    xoxoxox

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:05pm

  39. 39: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    217: kaitlyn

    ***As I imagine LONEPLUM wearing a black Gucci suit and sitting at a table with my platonic male friends, all shouting, “GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!!!! HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. MOVE ON, YOU DUMB ASS!!!” ***
    __________________________________
    ***GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!!!!  ***

    I did not say and would not say your skull is thick.
    Although I do hope it is, for you own safety. The brain is a soft material. It needs a thick protection ;)

    More seriously, you are free to be who you are.
    If you need 10 years to get over a man, then 10 years it will be.
    You seem to feel apologizing for feeling your feelings. It is not helping you to feel ashamed of your feelings
    They are your feelings, that’s all they are. Not even you can judge them :)
    Besides, I am sure you got it through your “thick skull” lol. What happens if that we are stuck in a rut. All the smartness in the world won’t stop us from wishing what is not.

    Unless we do a work on our beliefs of what should be. And on the meaning we give to the events.

    ***HE DOESN’T WANT YOU.***
    I did not say he does not want you. I don’t know what he wants.

    *** MOVE ON,***
    I did not tell you to move on.
    I do wish we would all move on, I do wish freedom for all of us, but I did not tell you to move on.
    It is not something we can do on somebody else’s order. If only if what that simple :)

    ***YOU DUMB ASS!!!”***
    The last thing I would call your ass is “dumb”.
    It is getting you paid trips to Paris, I so wish mine was of any use apart from sitting on it. :)

    So, “smart ass”, dear, stop making stories of what people think of you and stop putting down your own feelings

    God made you such a gift that men pay mucho money to take you around with them.
    You are not so dumb, you are using the gift for your own safety on this dangerous planet.
    You made money out of it. Good for you. Nobody will walk all over you, you will not have to be a door mat, crying out for a man’s protection. You are your own protection, you made enough money to pay houses and have a saving account.

    That’s what I call an independent woman.

    Don’t believe men pay so much money to take a dumb ass on a walk. They feel proud of the gorgeous smart ass, so funny, so vibrant, so intellectual, so sexy.
    They don’t have what it takes to enjoy it for free or for love, so they pay.
    That tells you how worthy you are.
    Rich men are no dumb asses either. Rich men are rich because they are smart and strong willed. They chose the best, they don’t walk around with little cuties. They want the whole deal. Smart ass and thick skull filled with brilliant brain. ;)

    ***********************************
    Write here as often as you wish that you miss him, that you want him to write to you and all that. Don’t worry about anybody judging you. We would be fool to think of you as a dumb ass.

    I don’t write about mine, (man, not ass lol) because the minute I read the blog it popped out like a soap bubble and I laughed at myself. I was instantly done speaking of him.
    But I had bored a friend with it for months before that.
    I have been there too, don’t worry. Details differ, but the feelings are the same. We are all the same child of God.
    No matter the outside, and no matter the circumstances, we all experiment the same feelings.

    It is the story you tell yourself that makes you feel good or bad. One same situation can be interpreted into hundreds different stories. You take your pick. How do you want to feel?
    ********************************
    Don’t worry about judgments.
    Respect your friend when he says he is bored by your story, stop sharing with him, but do not worry about his judgment of your feelings.
    He is entitled to feel bored.
    But it does not mean you are not supposed to long for A.
    Come here and say it as often as you need to.

    The minute you get into your friend’s mind, worrying what he thinks of your hurt, you are out of your mind
    Now, THAT would be dumb ;)

    The good news is, having a thick skull, you can’t leave your mind so easily he he he ;)
    More seriously, don’t step out of your mind, stay inside yourself.
    Never mind the other’s minds and their judgments.
    Don’t mind the story they tell themselves about you. It is their business, not yours. It’s their story.

    Work on the story you tell yourself. That’s your business.

    xxx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:12pm

  40. 40: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum Re :39: This really spoke to me even though it wasn’t to me I feel as though it was written to me. That just goes to show you that no matter who or what your talking about on this blog somewhere out there..there is a siren that can relate….Thanks for sharing, trying to get the courage to share me story one day :/

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:25pm

  41. 41: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    “You are simply experimenting with different things, different kinds of men, and watching how your reactions are and what your body’s feeling.”

    Yes, yes, yes.

    I LOVE this.

    I am simply experimenting with different types of men… Mr B was one such man… and there are others…

    All different types and I owe them nothing!

    Yay, that feels free making (hmm not a feeling actually, lol)

    I feel free reading that.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:30pm

  42. 42: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    B felt good to me…

    until the addiction stuff, and then it felt in danger of being dishonest with myself, living a lie…

    And that felt hugely awful.

    Massive negative reaction from me, Like NO, I will not gor there again.

    I have been there before and I will not decieve myself!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:33pm

  43. 43: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    This is advice giving and I think you could just tell him to back off.

    2 weeks did you say and he is acting depressed about not being exclsuive?

    Hmmm…

    I am feeling judgmental.

    Have you tried saying to him “I feel turned off”

    That might make him back off. If not you may need to have boundaries about when you take his calls and limit his dates with you to once or twice a week, or whatever.

    I hear you feeling overwhelmed, so your need here is time and consistency.

    If if is a good man for you this will not put him off and he will respect your wishes and give you time (he may sulk for a bit).

    Nice that he is step up but don’t be pressured.

    That is just my (very much boy mode, cus that is where I am at tonight) opinion.

    I look forward to hearing how it all pans out…

    xoxoxo

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 2:40pm

  44. 44: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer –

    Don’t you think we feel uncomfortable with men who are really into us? I think that it’s part self-esteem, and that I’ll sabotage a guy who’s into me by deciding I don’t like him.

    Is that what you’re doing?

    I’m seeing 007 for the first time on Friday night. He’s been texting me romantic/funny things when I wake up in the morning. This am, I answered back “good morning” and then didn’t answer again until about 9 am. Then, I answered his questions & told him I’d be at the school today, and wouldn’t be able to talk again until tonight.

    His answer: “Gee. First the 600am silent treatment and now i get detantion. ouch. i would prefer to stick to my spankings as punishment. thank you very much.”

    He has sarcastic humor, and I read this as funny. I joked back about spanking — using my German text “accent.” And, it was funny.

    But — Boomer — I am having a similar response as you are. I tend to see the flaws in a guy who is really into me.

    B. had as many or more flaws, and some serious deal breakers. Yet — he was so leaned back and I had to work so hard to out-girl him and get him chasing — that it upped his value to me.

    He was a high value target BECAUSE of his unavailability. Whereas 007 has his life together, but comes of as a much lower value target.

    Does this strike you as similar?

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 3:09pm

  45. 45: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Ella

    Where you the one, I don’t remember, who put up and article/poem about the difference between boy/man or man/mature man…something like that.

    If it was you, could you put it up again. Please. I was discussing with FW but couldn’t recall where I’d seen it. It was here I’m pretty sure…but the siren’s name I don’t recall but kind of thought it was you…or Darling Ella… or Simply Shannon…Alicia…or somebody else…Marina… HELP!!!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 3:09pm

  46. 46: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    39 LONEPLUM

    Thank you. I’m having a very NV day, so I needed that. Nothing like waking up and remembering the cold, hard reality that you’re a 39 yr old (albeit thank god I still look 12 basically) ex stripper, ex porn star, herpes, and lives in a crappy part of town complete with a needle exchange and a Western Union next door. Go me! What type of ‘good guy’ will choose me? My NV’s say a guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.

    I miss Adam. I connect with very few men. He knew all the skeletons in his closet and surprisingly I found he owned more. I liked that. He knew everything about me and accepted the entire me. Not as a novelty, but just as me.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 3:24pm

  47. 47: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum –

    Thanks for your response to Kaitlyn. I think we all go through that phase in a break up where we feel bad that we’re still talking about that guy, still processing.

    But — IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

    And, you’re absolutely right — this is the place for it.

    The here’z a place where all the young missy’s have been thru it, yes sirree, it iz. (cowboy accent)

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:00pm

  48. 48: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn –

    It sounds like you’re judging yourself for your past.

    When I asked you how you felt about working in the sex industry, you said, “I loved it.” Right?

    How about you let go of all the external’s voices, your grandma and whoever else told you it wasn’t okay to work in the sex industry.

    You worked there.

    You loved it.

    You don’t work there anymore.

    Who’s going to end up with you? A smart guy with liberal sexual values who’s okay with a cool gal who used to work in the sex industry.

    Cuz he’s not listening to his grandma’s judgements, either.

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:03pm

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling good

    tired

    thank you intuition for taking me cool places

    wow

    i just realized

    i wonder why my intuition told me to take that route if no one was answering my masculine energy attempts to make plans?

    so i said, maybe its just so i will have made those calls

    and now i see

    i got on the second bus and lo and behold, Neighbor is there

    i swear

    intuition knows everytime

    so now neighbor has said he may invite me to smoke later . nice

    i am feeling good about myself

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:33pm

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Daria for leaving food for me just right and feeding me after comm service

    thank you for taking me to the bathroom when i had to go

    thank you for giving me the Hydrangea Root tincture

    you take real good care of me

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:33pm

  51. 51: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the season has moved fast

    ive been doing gardening and cleaning all winter at the park

    mmm

    i am a strong nature woman

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:35pm

  52. 52: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Bright yellow crocuses are out everwhere

    my prayers for my locked up friend are kicking in says my Goddess Oya

    i feel blessed and am practicing with breaking old patterns

    getting closer to being me

    shyness melting

    mind coming close to home in the heart

    powers of imagination fielding out

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:38pm

  53. 53: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    “When you start noticing your own abundance, it grows.”

    I am taking awesome care of myself

    I am ALL THAT

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:39pm

  54. 54: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I did laundry then thought about him and cried over my Frette sheets.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:48pm

  55. 55: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – i love crying. Crying means im healing FAST.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 4:51pm

  56. 56: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I want to hide the fact that I like someone a lot. I feel vulnerable. He is coming this weekend and I am acting like a high school girl Ugh. This is how I end up messing up, I hide those feelings and end up looking cold or I try to show them and end up acting needy.

    There has to be a happy balance here. I have to find it before Saturday.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:01pm

  57. 57: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I have this crazy optimistic idea, but it only flickers for a second, that he’ll come back when I heal. Is that ok to think? Or is that damaging to me?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:15pm

  58. 58: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    46 Kaitlyn

    OK, let’s not mix the pears with the apples
    First the pears:
    I thought you own 2 houses?

    ****368: kaitlyn says:
    riff: I’d like to thank all those custys and johns out there for my retirement fund i cant touch and those 2 homes i once bought.
    Friday, 25 February 2011 @ 12:55pm****

    Did I misread the post? Have you lost the houses?

    xxx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:18pm

  59. 59: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn –

    Does it motivate you to heal?

    Then it’s good.

    Once you heal, either he will come back, or you’ll be over it and won’t care any more.

    Did you read my earlier response to you?

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:18pm

  60. 60: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi, yes I did and thank you. I never had shame/regret about my sex industry past until all this.

    Loneplum,

    I owned 2 houses. Sold them 11 years ago. I still have the profits, but refuse to spend it. My income the past few years since I quit the sex ind has been pretty low, hence why I live in a crap neighborhood.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:21pm

  61. 61: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn –

    I made great money. Then I got knocked up.

    I have opted to work part-time and home school my very ADHD daughter.

    Hence, we live in a crap neighborhood and I don’t own much. All my friends have homes and vacations and I don’t.

    I still think a man with a good life will want me. He’ll want to be near my wonderfulness!

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:24pm

  62. 62: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feeling excited that TODAY my mind decided NOT to call getright man

    even though no one else was answering

    i just felt “ick”

    even though my sweater might be over there still

    and he has a charger

    yep!

    :)

    thank you Daria!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:34pm

  63. 63: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #45:

    I think you are right…It is Ella :) Ella, get right back here pretty lady…and give us the goodies :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:37pm

  64. 64: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s from Rori’s “I am the yummy pie” email:

    What works is to imagine that every man out there wants what YOU HAVE.

    That’s really cool. Instead of thinking why man A wouldn’t want me — remember that I’m the EXACT RIGHT package for someone.

    And focus on that. Being the right package.

    Because, inevitably, I’m just right for someone. I’m on OKCupid, and there are several people who are 99% matches based on our answers to the questions, and some of them have answered hundreds of questions. I’ve read through some of them, and they really do have the same world view as me. Pretty close, anyway.

    I’m the right package. I’m the soul mate. I’m the one he’s looking for. Me. With MY quirks.

    I’m getting this….

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:39pm

  65. 65: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Every siren here and woman out there (man even) deserves to be loved! Everyone has something amazing, They will come back if “they” are worth it..not if “you” are worth it!!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:40pm

  66. 66: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 45 SLV it is495 at http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/be-an-investigator-of-experience/#comments

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:40pm

  67. 67: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I meant 494

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:42pm

  68. 68: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Ok ladies… renewed my match.com membership today for the next three months. I’m already getting lots of messages from sleezy guys and much older men. I am to ignore these? What am I supposed to learn from this? I don’t know how to stay warm and fuzzy and girl… I want to protect myself from anyone icky. How does one stay in warm mode when I just want to hit delete REPEATEDLY.? Does deleting all these messages mess with my power in a good or a bad way?

    Thoughts????

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:52pm

  69. 69: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Just delete. It doesn’t mess with your Sireness nor ‘learning how to be open, etc’ in any way.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 5:58pm

  70. 70: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn- Ok. Thanks. That’s the answer I want. lol

    Yesterday on okcupid a guy offered to pay me to hook up with him. That was not only deleted, but blocked.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:03pm

  71. 71: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    So what about when guys just write you hi? I mean… that’s not much to go on. I don’t know how to stay girl when writing… I offer up too much. Is it ok to ask them questions? But never more than they ask? I want to practice from the get-go here doing this dating thing differently… but I feel lost and afraid of doing it “wrong.”

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:06pm

  72. 72: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    So if a guy from OKCupid send you 6 emails in a row, is that creepy or flattering? I am getting psycho vibe here.
    Gee can’t he wait for my reply?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:07pm

  73. 73: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    loveiseverywhere –

    I would say : Hi :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:08pm

  74. 74: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    actually i say : hello :)

    then they say

    wow i like your pics how are you are you single?

    and i say: thank you :) I’m feeling great/kinda down/tired/happy, etc … yes i am :)

    him: wow that’s so cool so what do you like to do?

    me: mm… i feel relaxed reading and writing online… dancing feels good…

    him: oh yeah what do you like to read?

    me: i feel kind of drained writing online so much… it might feel cool to talk to you… im at 555 5555

    him: okay i will call you

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:10pm

  75. 75: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    luzydel- Um I’d say creeper… but I’m a newbie.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:11pm

  76. 76: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel–

    Creepy.

    A normal guy with decent self-esteem would not need to send 6 emails in a row with no response from you.

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:11pm

  77. 77: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Daria- so I feel indirect… when I add the feeling messages to sentences. I mean… do guys ever ask, “Why are you talking that way? You sound weird.”

    And is it customary to give your phone number before it’s asked for?

    And when a guy says “We should get drinks sometime.” and I’d rather get coffee first… keep it low key… day time etc. How do I suggest this or communicate this without planning… etc. Is it too male to say: I’d prefer grabbing coffee for our first meeting.” ???

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:16pm

  78. 78: loveiseverywhereNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and match has the auto reject emails that you can respond with. Is it better to ignore and delete unwanted advances or respond with a not interested email?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:17pm

  79. 79: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @67: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I meant 494…”

    Thank you for looking. That’s a good CC article but that’s not it. I meant to copy and save it when I first saw it. Often I get busy catching up on posts and intend to return and don’t… (sigh)

    I hope whoever posted it will put it up again. I scanned threads back a few months but must have used the wrong word. I used “boy” maybe I could try something else when I have a few minutes.

    Darn!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:19pm

  80. 80: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Tonight, I am going to dinner with my friend, Carolyn.

    I enjoy Carolyn very much, and it will be sooooo nice to go have some kid-free time with her. Yayayay!

    I’m DYING of hunger. Gonna go. Take care y’all.

    Lisi

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:27pm

  81. 81: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tonite, I have a date…and I feel nervous :( He’s been expressing so much excitement over me…and now, I feel the pressure…what if I am not “all that?”…

    Fears, doubts…memories of J…not feeling worthy of his love, devotion, loyalty…:(

    Gosh, I feel so depleted :(

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:28pm

  82. 82: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    81Ella

    Please let us know how your date goes. I have the same situation going on with my “Giddy As A School Boy” CD that I am meeting tomorrow. He already calls me sweetie pie, talks about things we can do in the future, and we haven’t even met yet!

    Just go and have fun, enjoy the evening and conversation. Go with the flow, don’t worry about the pressure. But let us know how it goes.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:41pm

  83. 83: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @LADYBIRD & ALONKA
    I decided not to contact him myself. I took Alonka’s advice and leaned back (I think I’ve gotten the idea of leaning back now). He called me this morning…actually he flashed me on my cell phone. Usually he flashes me and that means he wants me to come online so we can chat on yahoo. I logged onto yahoo. He had left me an offline message saying that he couldn’t get ahold of me anymore and if I had abandoned him (in a half jokng kind of way). I had to leave for an appointment though and his yahoo didn’t seem to be working. So I sent him a text message saying I’d talk to him tonight. Truth is I have been avoiding him because of the girlfriend issue. As for his gf, I don’t really have much respect for her considering her behavior toward the banker. But, she’s still his girlfriend. And being the third wheel is just too messy.
    I do want more than a talking relationship with him. I guess i’ll find out if that’s what he wants. I’m trying to figure out what exactly to say to him when we talk next. I know it will involve feeling messages.
    Today I went to see a therapist…I have clinical depression and I’m getting help with it. The therapist was very nice…I hope she can help me work through some of my issues.
    Oh, and I kinda tried to circular date today…it wasn’t much. I went to the grocery store and when the checkout guy said hello to me, I looked him in the eye, smiled and said “hello” back. It was very unusual of me, because I never look men in the eye. lol. But I noticed out of the corner of my eye he took a second look at me. It was kind of fun…can this be considered circular dating?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 6:55pm

  84. 84: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ella: I did see your post and posted the following in reply. I don’t at all mind talking about it if it’s going to help someone (only opposed to having our history used against me…that’s happened enough to make me really, really tired of it). To get the whole thing though, it is quite long so I prefer to have you read the story as it is written on my blog and if you have questions, if I can help in any way, if you don’t understand how or why, etc, I’m more than happy to elaborate in any way needed. My entire purpose of putting our story out here was to help anyone who needs it.

    Here’s my post to you on the other thread:

    Ella: Basically, he cheated on me and broke my heart into a million pieces. Then he wanted me back, I didn’t want him back…then he really started doing the work he needed to do (on himself, not on our relationship) and eventually we ended up back together…crazy in love.

    I’m sure I’ve written about it in lots of places on this blog, but the easiest place to find most of the story and my feelings and insights associated with it is probably on my blog. I think I have a post (one of the earliest ones) called “My Story” or “Our Story” or something like that. Just click on my name to get to the blog.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:12pm

  85. 85: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn 60

    Do you own your flat today?
    Anyhow:
    You are such a smart woman, you have a retirement fund already taken care of, and no child. A step child could eventually make a man hesitate.
    I have observed that when love strikes a man, he will marry the woman, even if she is the mother of 10 children.
    But, let’s say, before he is in love, if he meets women on a dating site, for example, he will not select the mother of 10 children.
    A gorgeous childless woman is among the first choice of a man on dating sites.
    And when she has savings, they feel they won the lottery.

    Men are afraid of life as much as we are.
    They appreciate a woman who banked savings.
    They feel she is on the same page. They feel she’ll respect their income, she won’t spend it mindlessly. They feel safe to make her sign their bank account when they marry her.
    They don’t care where you live today, because they want you to move in with them when they marry you. They understand you keep the money safe, and you are busy trying to start something new. They love an entrepreneur spirit, they don’t really check the success of your enterprise, it is the fact that you try that makes you interesting.
    They like to know you will not be short of ideas or energy once you’ll take care of their family.
    So far, you are far from being a loser that only ***“ a guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.”***

    This is your judgment. You would not accept a man who lives in your flat and who did what you did. You are the intolerant person.

    But lots of men do not think your way. They see who you are today and what you can bring to their life. They are genuinely looking for love.

    What might chase them away is your self sabotaging, negative talk. YOU despise yourself, that will ruin their joy to have discovered you. They don’t want to be the “stupid guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.”
    Your attitude would make a prince feel like that.
    Your attitude makes you despise the man who courts you. None will stay.
    It is not your life that scares the man away, it is the way you look at them. Your project on them what you feel for yourself.

    It would be good if you’d allow the men to own their own judgment of you and to may be start courting you for what they see in you.
    Don’t worry what they see in you, trust them. They do see something. With time, you will understand what they see.

    Make the experiment. Date men, don’t ask them if they like you, or why they like you. Just date them. Accept the dinners, the conversations, the taking you back home, don’t let them in, say good bye at the door, show your cheek when they kiss you good bye, keep it soft. Get use to receiving their romantic attention.
    Keep money and sex out.
    And date several men at the same time, to avoid what happened to you with Adam. Give them all the same importance, so you don’t nag when they don’t call.

    xxx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:13pm

  86. 86: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ella: This might be easier than searching for it:

    http://relationshipclean-up.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-story.html

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:22pm

  87. 87: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I need an advice..

    This interesting guy wrote to me on a dating site and we exchanged a few emails. He sounds good. He suggested to talk over the phone and I agreed, but I wanted to make the first call. So I called him tonight at about 10 pm and he was not overly receptive. He said he was still at work, preparing a presentation. He needs to make an important presentation tomorrow morning. Since I won’t give him my number, he asked if we can talk tomorrow and ‘earlier in the evening’. I said – I’ll see what I can do.

    He sounded somewhat.. irritated.. can’t think of a word. Busy, of course. But I feel ordered around a bit. What do I do? Call him tomorrow as I’m being told? Send him an email that I’ll call the next day?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:31pm

  88. 88: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari

    I’m so glad leaning back worked:) And that you are learning it naturally, not ‘the hard’ way!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:35pm

  89. 89: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Darling Ella #8,

    I hope you enjoy your date..relax and be yourself..remember the Tools when you can. You’ll be fine! Let us know how it goes

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:37pm

  90. 90: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    SLV! Hiya….I found probably the BEST article I’ve ever seen on online dating so I’m copying it here – it’s just so right on about having the “vibe” and raising yours…and some very cool conversation tidbits, etc.

    “Wow — that person could do so much better!” We’ve all heard that kind of comment before — maybe even muttered it ourselves — about a couple fit for Beauty and the Beast without the Disney treatment. But, odds are, there’s no real mystery about the pairing; the two just clicked, perhaps at a party, perhaps online. You may not have model-caliber looks, but you definitely have some winning combination of humor, kindness, success and intelligence. By learning to highlight those qualities, you can have a potential partner swooning. So before you discount the beauty before you, use these tips to place yourself squarely in the hotties’ league.

    Tease your way to conversation
    Top experts recommend some counterintuitive tactics for online flirtation to bolster your confidence — and intrigue your intended. April Masini, author of Think and Date Like a Man and Date Out of Your League, suggests sending a short note with an out-there, curiosity-provoking subject line, such as “Thanks for the message.” Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, favors an irresistible challenge that shows your confidence, like: “Tell me about something funny that happened to you recently. If it makes me laugh, I’ll send you two photos. You won’t be disappointed.” Or send a link to a website that generates your, say, rock star name or Hobbit name, and sign it with yours so he or she feels compelled to share the one found when he or she clicks. All of these are effective email ideas that get a person to hit “reply” and start typing — often before he or she has even checked out your profile.

    Chat with panache
    Stand out from the pack online by not stating the obvious (“I liked your profile.” “I think you’re cute.” “We both like pizza!”) in your correspondence. Instead, find obscure things that truly interest you — foreign travel or a favorite book — and mention that. Consider this case history: “I knew the woman I wanted to meet was a model — she said as much in her profile,” says Alex Garth of New York City, a self-described “6” on the looks scale. “She also mentioned that she’d traveled to China, which we had in common, so I sent her an email asking her what she thought of Shanghai. Within a couple of weeks, we were dating.” Use the same principle when you’re making getting-to-know-you conversation in person with that new someone you want to impress. Focusing on something minor that he or she doesn’t usually talk about sets you apart from the rest of the dating world by demonstrating your depth.

    Pave the way for a first date
    Once you’ve exchanged a couple of messages, swap phone numbers for the all-important call by saying, “I get busy, so let’s continue this over the phone.” The 15-minute conversation should prove to him or her that you’re worth the effort and allow you to offer your time for a first meeting. One key to charming someone very desirable and in-demand? Don’t appear overeager. “Mention that you’re busy Wednesday and Friday, say, but can meet for one hour on Thursday,” says Strauss. Being a busy and fulfilled individual is more attractive to most singles than someone with outward looks, and this kind of approach emphasizes those — whether or not they’re 100% true.

    Empower yourself in person
    Whether you’re approaching a stranger at a bar or meeting up with the person you found online, continue to show confidence, even if you have to fake it at first (eventually, you’ll realize you deserve to have it and actually become suave — we promise). Masini recommends walking straight up to the man or woman you’re eyeing and introducing yourself. “Don’t be a shark and waste your night circling,” says Masini. “That invests your time in someone you don’t know,” which will only make you feel more self-conscious about not being “good enough” for the person. To psych yourself up, tell yourself that you’re the one who deserves to be convinced he or she’s worth your time, not the other way around. After all, looks are only part of the package, right? Once you’ve started talking, set yourself apart from everyone else who gushes over this person’s looks. Focus on aspects of his or her personality that other folks may overlook: “You have the best laugh!” “I love that you’re a good tipper — it says a lot about how you treat people.” Unusual compliments highlight your intuitive nature, and the person you’re talking to is more likely to perceive a genuine connection between you two than if you offer canned praise.

    Look good, even if you’re not great-looking
    So what if you’re not drop-dead gorgeous yourself? Strauss says he lacks obvious physical charms, but that his confidence and charisma more than compensate. “Girls would meet me and be initially disappointed, but I would still win them over,” says Strauss. “You don’t have to be good-looking — you just have to act good-looking.” Accomplish this by wearing flattering clothing (ask a straight-shooting salesperson to put you in a casual date outfit if you’re not sure what looks best on you), walking tall, smiling at strangers, holding eye contact, and otherwise acting like you own the room. So raise your standards, hone your inner charm, and go for the cutie already!

    All around great advice for us all!!!

    xo,
    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:41pm

  91. 91: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee- I saw you on the other thread and hope you see this – am sending you love and oh! what a sad situation! I’d tried to write you and hope you are getting love and support from somewhere, you deserve it! and will check in here and let us know how you are doing.

    ((hugs))

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:43pm

  92. 92: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Sirens: I told my boyfriend once when I was 20 that basically you could learn to love anyone given time…20 years later we both agreed we didn’t agree with that. lol…The spark! the chemistry…it might not be required for love, but it sure makes it a LOT easier….

    and so, after 30 years of personally test driving the theory above…. I’ll can say I don’t agree with the post.

    Still, want us all to find love tho!!

    J

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:46pm

  93. 93: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and input if anyone has any – G*d has given me two choices – ack!!!

    I’m second interviewing to manage a mobile home park with pretty high quality mfrg. homes….

    and to be an activities director for an Interfaith agency.

    Both things I’ve been interested in for about 15 years!!!

    So, how to decide? It seems like you shouldn’t get BOTH things you want but only one so you could be sure you’re being “guided” in the right direction, lol…

    any help???

    xo
    J

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:48pm

  94. 94: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    87 Alonka

    In the countries I have lived in, calling after 9 pm is rude. May be if we are family or intimate we an call at 9.30pm but not a stranger.

    xxx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 7:52pm

  95. 95: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum,

    Yes. I’d say for singles in NY on a Thursday night (most people go out on Thursday night) 10 pm is kind of a border time. I called at 9:50. I wanted to call tonight, but got caught in the rain and arrived home later than I planned.

    So do you think it’s a good idea to call him tomorrow as he told me to? It feels like I am chasing him a bit.

    I can send an email saying that I got caught in the rain, can’t call on Friday night and ask for a good time for a conversation on Sat.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:00pm

  96. 96: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea’s Dream –

    You are studying yourself, your reflection, who you are. You are noticing things that have been hidden, things that have been affecting your perception of yourself and your life. You are getting a grasp on these things and pulling them out of their hiding places so that you can see them clearly.

    You find something there that you hate. You feel panicky about finding this inside you, this hated thing. But as you look at this part of yourself, you feel compassion toward it.

    What is this part of you? It is a very very good friend of yours that you’ve known since childhood. Met at church. So this is the spiritual little girl part of you, almost like an imaginary friend or guardian angel presence within you. Possibly your first memories/awareness/experiences of spiritual things.

    She moved away…. This could represent something that happened that diminished your spiritual awareness at some point in childhood (loss of childhood wonder and innocence? some sort of loss of innocence…)

    She moved to a small farm town. (Hehe, that’s why your subconscious mind picked a spider like in Charlotte’s Web to play this out. :))

    When your mom died, she came back for awhile. Did you reconnect with your spiritual self when your Mom passed?

    “Then she went away to college and I totally lost her.” College represents a place (possibly figurative) of higher learning. Possibly a time came in your life where you were busy learning and exploring things about life, and “totally lost” part of your spiritual connection, your innocence and wonder?

    Now she is back! You have reconnected with this wise childlike spiritual part of yourself….and this is one of your favorite parts of you. You don’t see her or talk to her as much as you would like though, but you are very glad when you do.

    This is great: you see that this part of you is beautiful and you admire it.

    Fair skin, dark hair – this corresponds with the spider being light colored yet having “dark” creepy connotations. So there is an awareness that in this beautiful spiritual part of you there is both light and dark.

    The dark aspect scares you some, but you are ready to bring it into the light, out of the corner of your eye, to see it clearly.

    “Like Snow White”…. a fairy tale with some very dark goings-on. The heroine and the villain represent light and dark inside ourselves. You are more and more accepting and embracing the parts you have previously wanted to reject, deny, disown. You are beginning to see that You are your own worst enemy: You are the witch who tries to poison the innocent Snow White and put her to sleep forever. And because the power lies in you, You can reverse the spell.

    Wake up, Snow White. You only think you are dead. You are very much alive. You will see.

    The last time you saw this part of you fully alive was when your friend met TTG. How did you feel that weekend? Before he “disappeared”? Was there something lovely stirring in you then that wants to come alive again and is just waiting for you to wake it up? Is it connected at all to the spiritual, childlike wonder and innocence part of you?

    I feel curious about the “dead web” you pulled out with the spider. That seems to indicate that the spider no longer has a place to live and to gather her nourishment. Her web is dead. It could mean that this part of you will no longer live in secret, hidden — that home is gone.

    Here’s the beautiful part: the spider you see dead in the sink looks like “the regular, nasty wood spiders that my old house was infested with.”

    Your “old house” is the way you used to live, the old way you used to do things that no longer serves you. That old way, old you, is dead.

    That feels scary. Panicky. Who will I be without those old ways? How shall I live as the “new me”?

    And if the spider is dead, what does that say about the part of me that the spider represents — the spiritual, childlike wonder, innocence? I feel scared! I don’t know what’s happening to me! It feels like part of me is dying.

    Oh…. but I remember…. the spider was pregnant… that beautiful, magnificent, regal, admirable, awe-inspiring part of me was pregnant!

    My spirit was pregnant!

    And those of us who know the story of Charlotte’s Web know that before Charlotte died, she laid eggs… hundreds of them….

    Tiny fully alive growing growing growing spiders in silky pure white sacs hidden among the rafters, waiting for just the right time to crawl out into the sunshine… spring perhaps?

    Old worn out no longer needed things in your life have died. It feels sad and scary. But the good news is that new life is hidden inside you, and it is just about to be born.

    The invitation is to let go of the fear. To let go of the old. To welcome the new. To grieve the losses. And to make room for all those lively, delightful, precious spiritual babies. :)

    Just glancing at the toenail dream now… The nail protects and keeps what’s inside hidden. Now the nail is broken apart and the bone is exposed, like the flesh was eaten away. This could be similar to the spider dream — where things that were previously hidden and kept protected are now being brought into the light. It’s frightening and sorta makes you want to look away. But the invitation is to keep looking, pay attention, attend to what is being revealed. Then healing and wholeness can come, and you no longer have to fear what is deep inside because you have seen it and loved it in all its beautiful ugliness. You no longer need to protect yourself with a hard shell (nail). You can be vulnerable like the nail-less toe. Your panic is understandable. But vulnerability will bring you life…..

    Just like all those beautiful baby spiders.

    (If you can’t see the joy in that picture yet, you might want to watch Charlotte’s Web. :) I’ve only seen the cartoon version and it’s sweet.)

    I hope some of this resonates and blesses you. It’s easier and more accurate to do when face to face with the dreamer so you can provide feedback and tweak as you go along, but hopefully this will give you something to meditate on and see what fits.

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:09pm

  97. 97: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Craig,

    I feel somewhat embarrassed about calling you at 10 pm last night, but I got caught in the rain and arrived home later than I planned. Tonight I won’t be able to talk as I have plans. What would be a good time to talk on the weekend? I am free Sat during the day.

    Hope your presentation went well.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:13pm

  98. 98: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka – Craig, I felt weird calling late but got caught in the rain! Hope you stayed dry and won’t be able to catch you tomorrow as I have plans but would you like to talk this weekend? I’d love to hear about your presentation.

    What do you think – not as formal, more feelingy and gives him a wider parameter to work within…

    also, 10 p.m. in NYC is kind of like 6 p.m. everywhere else isn’t it??

    Smile,
    J

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:17pm

  99. 99: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    Thanks:) It sounds good. Definitely less formal. I will combine our versions!

    Haha a lot of people call till 10:30 at least, but I normally wouldn’t.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:23pm

  100. 100: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline but you agree that it’s better not to call him tomorrow?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:25pm

  101. 101: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka, hi! Here’s what I see when I read your post -

    Sounds like you want to call him first bc it feels unsafe to give a stranger your phone # (do I have that right)?

    But by calling him first AND doing so to protect yourself, you engaged your masculine energy with him, and he responded as he would to any “man” who interrupted his work. It’s nothing personal, he was just responding to the energy.

    How would it feel instead to say something like, “I don’t feel safe giving out my phone number before I feel comfortable with someone, but I don’t know how to feel comfortable with you without talking on the phone…what do you think?”

    He will probably come to the rescue and suggest a time, day and way for you to call him. He will have solved the problem, made the plans, and left you with no “work” except to show up (and in this case, dial the number on the day and time he picks).

    How would it feel to do it that way?

    xoxo Siena

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:41pm

  102. 102: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    93 Jacqueline

    ***So, how to decide? It seems like you shouldn’t get BOTH things you want but only one so you could be sure you’re being “guided” in the right direction, lol…***
    ha ha ha
    In my life they happen by 3.
    3 men, 3 this, 3 that, and puff they vanish at the same time and i get long hollydays from life: all is off loool
    Then again they all happen by group of 3.

    More seriously, write down the advantages ie hours, working days, driving time to get there, cost to get there, salary, health insurance, possibility to stay there until retirement age, what you felt during the interview (you don’t want to go to work with a knot in your stomach), which one gives you more human contacts if that’s what you like or which ones gives you more time alone working on administrative if that’s what you prefer, which one asks for physical efforts if there is any and so on… What type of problems will you have to fix in either one. Which type of problem do you like to fix?
    What type of people will come to you, which type do you like to deal with?

    Then see what points are important to you.
    I am sure that’s why you already do, but you asked lol

    xxx

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:41pm

  103. 103: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Lercomary and T-Girl :)

    I feel relieved as we speak :) It feels amazing to connect with someone on a first date :)

    Yet, I feel concerned about my hormones not being in check…and desiring to ravish a good man too soon…Are there some pills for keeping those hormones in check? :) Lol

    Okay…I felt happy to connect with him on many levels…more so, I noticed myself…he would say something…and I sure had at least one opinion to add very quickly…phew…:) But this time I noticed…backed off…tooo much information…he needs to feel like he is running the show…:)

    I would get quiet…i smiled…did not initiate most of the conversations…there were times were none of us would say anything…i would sip my drink…feel all that…took lots of deep breaths…:) wow…

    Well, he said at least twice he would like to have dinner with me…he even asked me what i do this weekend…he walked me to my car…gave me a big hug…and wanted to make sure i get home okay…:) Will see if he call this evening :) Either or…i haven’t connected with someone for quite some time…:)

    Thank you Universe for a lovely and well deserved awesome evening :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:51pm

  104. 104: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Posting here as well as on an older relevant thread: Being on the blog a bit feels grounding to me tonight, gets me out of constricted energy and more able to deal w all that’s going on in my life.

    In the American Idol of my life, the man I’ve loved & been in v deep degree of relationship with for 14 months has been eliminated from the running tonight. In the midst of horrific tragedy in my family yesterday, he has been cold, critical, self-absorbed, self-centered, impersonal, needy, demanding under the circumstances, emotionally destabilizing, etc, and has offered not one drop of kind caring words, touch, presence, understanding, sympathy, anything. I feel shaky, deeply sad and angry about the tragedy, pained & grieving to lose this v real-yet-pseudo-relationship… I am feeling overload of emotion right now. He responded to my upset by wanting, expecting, demanding much attention, consideration & regard from me esp about his/our project, which in many serious ways benefits me, and I’m also seriously committed & dedicated to it for life (have met amazing people thru it), but It’s all about him… I can’t ever be ill, distracted, grieving, imperfect, or ANYTHING. Or I’m made to suffer, be lambasted, disregarded, punished, grilled (as he calls it), etc. I needed a break today to deal w shock & grief… to handle the family upsets & conflicts around this event. I need, want, deserve to be supported, cared for, listened to, etc. I give that, in my imperfect passionate and devoted way. I will have that in return. But not here I can see. Not consistently, or often, and clearly not when I need it most!

    It feels like I’m drinking from a well that may give v sweet water once in awhile, but not consistently. Then it goes dry. Then bitter. Then I’m choking on dust.

    And leaning back makes it worse in some ways (way better in many others, and quickly) but this man cannot be outgirled, at least not by me. He’s seeking his ideal woman, which I almost am, but not quite totally. May he find her, and may she be what she will be… I will be free.

    I’ve had enough. He was so humble & sweet when he was ill w flu a few days ago (and I took care of him during the bad part as always, and as has been our agreement) saying in eloquent, articulate, gritty, gentle terms how sickness made him more sympathetic to others, etc. I loved him so much in that moment. He can be v loving, caring, passionate, in love, deep, attentive, etc… And how I *needed* him today. But he flips. Warm-cold-angel-asshole-caring-selfish. Preaches & builds his life and lifework around honesty, and seriously not able to deliver it exactly.

    Well, nuff said. I want a different man in my life. It’s been an ***amazing*** (and terrible) relationship. I’ve learned, changed & deepened much, learned much from his wisdom too (taught plenty as well). The next one will be even better… and more deserving of me and what I bring to the table.

    Thank you Rori and Sirens.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 8:53pm

  105. 105: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    Well I talked to the banker this evening. He asked me if I was okay, because I sounded “off” today. He usually picks up if there’s something wrong with me. I told him I wasn’t okay. I told him how I felt, that I felt sad and angry that his girlfriend was mistreating him and that I wanted him to guard his heart. And I didn’t want him to get hurt. I told him I felt like I had become something of a side girl to him, and that I didn’t want that. He seemed surprised that I felt that way. He said “we’ve both been in complicated relationships and we’ve been finding comfort in each other, but I didn’t know you felt like a side girl.” I told him yes, that’s how I felt, but at this point I need more than just comfort in my life. I need a man who can love me and be there for me. And if he really doesn’t think he can be that to me, then it’s better if I date around to find someone. Because I want love in my life and I feel I deserve it. He said that I do deserve it. And I should do what I need to do and I shouldn’t let him get in my way.
    God. I did NOT want to hear that.
    I told him I hope I was clear and that I didn’t offend him. He said that yes, I made myself clear. Then he had to go…and that was it.
    That was it…don’t let me stand in your way? That’s all he had to say? When I wanted him to suddenly realize that he needed me and renounce his girlfriend and lovingly welcome me into his life…no! His response to “I’m going to date other guys” is “Go ahead, be my guest.”
    I feel so sad now. I knew all along that he wanted her more. It shouldn’t matter now…but it does. My illusion has been shattered, like cinderella’s fairytale turning back into rags and a pumpkin at midnight. I can hear the clock chiming. I feel so hurt right now.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:03pm

  106. 106: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky:

    Wow, u said “Warm-cold-angel-asshole-caring-selfish. Preaches & builds his life and lifework around honesty, and seriously not able to deliver it exactly. “…u described my imaginary bf or ex i guess now…;(

    Big warm hugs to you :( It sure feels awful …running an empty…most of the time :(

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:03pm

  107. 107: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen, when you log on I hope you find this. I’m praying & sending energy for your kidney condition… I’m going to find you a link you might find helpful. It’s info I use a lot to go inside and work on the emotional reasons behind illness for myself, and which almost ALWAYS is accurate and yields results for me personally. Our lives have been v similar even w their differences. I relate to what it means to be scarily and painfully, debilitatingly ill, out of work, homeless, etc. Can’t tell you how good it is too look over and see another face in the trenches. Two guns are better than one. Let’s fight this good fight? We are worth it! Am I talking your language at all?… haven’t gotten to know you much yet and don’t wish to presume or butt in… Brb.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:03pm

  108. 108: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum – thank you! And although the Interfaith one -parttime activities director is what I long to do…it feels bad. Partly because it is so regimented – long list of questions, I may have to second interview even tho I already did it in August with her boss, again, etc. It feels like the right job with the wrong company. And really, I like seniors – and this is families….but it’s really hard to get to BE an activity director, period so it’s a huge opening.

    Same with trailers or mfg. homes – I’ve wanted to own my own park for about 15 years since a contractor told me how easy they were to make money on vs. apartments…and I told my brother and he now has trailer parks and he’s making money. And, the company will pay for me to be licensed as well – but not benefits at either and it kind of bugs me to work full time and not get benefits (I have my own health ins. tho….)….

    Well, maybe neither will offer? lol…

    but I have amazing reference letters and speak Spanish, so usually they do offer – The trailer office felt much more open and laid back than the other, tho for my “gut” but then getting home at 6:30 at night feels ugh to me.

    Life always presents me with two at a time…lol…three? Ohmygosh! I hate decisions!!!

    Thanks,
    J

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:09pm

  109. 109: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka – no I wouldn’t call again, sorry…he should pick up the ball now – best you can do is email and some will say that is forward leaning but it’s breezy enough to be encouraging and doesn’t feel forward to me.

    What do you think? Sorry it didn’t work out the first go round!

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:10pm

  110. 110: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka…here’s another version..this is what I’d say…

    i’ll tweek off of you and Jacqueline…Craig…i felt weird calling late and got caught in the rain! i won’t be able to catch you tomorrow as i have plans…but it would feel good to talk this weekend :)…what do you think?

    and i wouldn’t say anything about his presentation…feels a lil leany forward to me at this point…since you’ve only talked once?

    that’s just me…and i feel a little nervous saying this/giving input…but i feel confident about my feeling messages so if i can help someone else i definitely want to! :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:13pm

  111. 111: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Darling Ella 103

    I’m happy your date went so well. And that you restrained yourself from ravishing him…lol. :) I wish they did have pills for keeping those hormones in check. So far you’re doing a good job on your own. :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:13pm

  112. 112: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Dang it…i hate it when i post and its “out of date”!!! lol

    alonka i didn’t realize the thread was so much further ahead than when i started reading :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:15pm

  113. 113: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    So…anywho…the CDing is going pretty well..

    I have 3 awesome guys in the rotation and it feels amazing! and kinda scary at the same time!!!

    i went skiing with the pilot and we had so much fun and i’m very attracted to him..and he’s called and texted everyday since!!! yay for me!!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:21pm

  114. 114: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen… links for you and/or anyone wanting to see more about metaphysical origins of illness in the mind/body/spirit connection… this is info I use all the time and it helps me a ton. I don’t endorse or disallow any religion that may be represented here… it’s just good info imho. I think there are relevant nuggets on all these sites. Hope this feels good for you to read. It feels good for me to post. Enjoy! (Hope this is ok to post, Rori & staff).

    http://www.paganspath.com/healing/ailments.htm

    http://www.compassionatedragon.com/metaphysics5.html

    http://www.inlightimes.com/archives/2008/10/Illness-meaning.htm

    http://www.holistichealthtools.com/illness.html

    http://www.docstoc.com/docs/8755001/Bodytalk—Louise-L-Hay—Heal-Your-Body

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:23pm

  115. 115: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    RE: #5 – I feel comfortable with what Kenny taught me: the 3 date rule.

    If I give a man a chance to show his best self by accepting 3 dates with him, and I still don’t like him, then I feel free to walk on.

    The first date, he may be nervous, and I don’t really have a feel for him. The second date is a little more telling. By the 3rd date, I feel pretty clear. If I were you, I would walk away.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:32pm

  116. 116: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sirens
    I went through all your comments. I value your comments and support. I could not reply individully to all the comments. sorry.
    I dont want to keep this baby. I do not have that option. I am in the middle of my phd and jobless and in our culture pregnancy outside marriage is seen with a stigma. I really dont think i should go through another set of pain and trauma.
    I am done with this.
    I spoke to doctor. I can go next thursday and get the termination done. That is settled.
    But i need to get advice on the following things. Its extremely important that i get help from you on the following
    1. I have got a couple of dinner invitations from from two men. I do not feel like dating now. I do not feel like meeting men now. Is that a wise decision. I am deeply wounded. I dont want to date till i am healed. In this situation I dont want to date and I hope I am doing the right thing?
    2. X contacts me once in a while to get an update on the situation. Should I cut that completely?
    3. X knows i am getting the abortion done on thursday and he promised to come with me to hospital. If he fails his promise what should I do?
    4. Or should i take help from him at all?
    I know I sound very clueless on my own life. But thats what i feel now.
    I need to buck up
    I need to get back to my life
    I need your help
    Love
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:32pm

  117. 117: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari – OUCH!!! Wow, that feels like a freakin band aid being ripped off – so sorry, ugh. CD asap, please??!!!

    Gingersky! glad to see you’ve settled in and come “home!” – I hope you do post the link, I am a massage therapist and Reiki healer and I’ve got a whole thread on another forum and have been writing about physical illness – the you have to go to the doctor and the metaphysical meanings/connections…

    And Jilly, just saying hello to you too…
    and to everyone here tonite and just….all around!

    Off to sleep on….naaaah, I’ll just let it show up…so off to dream sweet dreams and you all do too!

    g’nite,
    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:33pm

  118. 118: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomary:

    So kind of you, thank you :)

    I read you story …and it is a very hurtful situation u are in :(

    U said “I felt sad and angry that his girlfriend was mistreating him and that I wanted him to guard his heart. And I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

    I feel triggered by this…just so u know…these triggers are never about u…they usually are part of past experiences for the person being triggered…in this case, being me.

    First, how would u ever know for sure he is being mistreated???? Did u see them interact with one another? Did u meet her? Just because he says he’s not feeling close to her as he is with u…doesn’t mean it is the truth…

    Based on my last relationship experience…he said everything by the book to get me stay with him…I felt like I was going crazy and I was imagining things…so, I start digging (mind me for six months I gave him the benefit of the doubt…lots of work…travel…etc…), yet my gut was warning me otherwise…

    So, as soon as I dug deeper into his whereabout…I sure found out lots of “awesomeness”…Long story short, two of the woman I contacted befriended me and we began sharing notes…for about 3 months…anyway, the experience became more dramatic than ever I could have imagined…everyone was hurt in the process…Just because I “shook up his world” as he often said to me after…did not change his pattern as we speak…

    Overall, it is never about the other woman or women…it is about how we feel (safe, loved, etc) with the man we are with…To me all and even the additional women he has added since…they are like my sisters…sharing similar faith…really :(

    I sure hope u continue to share u experience because that’s how healing happens…talking about it…as many times as u need…at the same time, people reading may get triggered and may take the opportunity to heal that trigger within themselves….So, thank you for sharing u story :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:36pm

  119. 119: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline – I totally agree “chemistry may not be required for love but it sure makes it a lot easier.”

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:38pm

  120. 120: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee! so glad to have caught up with you – I had three miscarriages and it sux…but your decision is so right for you, I’m glad you’ve made it and are taking immediate action.

    for me, NO , heck NO you should not date – you will need time to heal…and you will probably feel pain and some grief and all sorts of soup stuff….no way would I bring strangers into it, and if they’re decent guys they’ll be there in a few weeks.

    And, I’m sorry but even if I had to drive myself!!! I would NOT let X anywhere near me – you will be so vulnerable (I had to take my boss once to the clinic, too….) and he’ll just do or say something to hurt you worse – it’s like putting yourself in the HANDS of your abuser. You will be helpless if he decides to berate you or just park somewhere and not take you or just in general, as much as he upsets you it’d be crazy to add that to what will already be a very upsetting thing.

    I had to get d&c’s in the doctor’s office – could not afford the hospital and believe me by the third time I was screaming my fool head off…and I never got pregnant again.

    You need to be calm, comforted and knocked out – don’t you have any other option than to rely on him?

    I hope so, and I’ll keep you in my prayers and send you love and light – and I changed my email to jlinaangel@yahoo.com – so please let us all know how you are, or write.

    I’ve been worried about you and now I know why….

    Please please please do not make this trauma bigger by involving him and please take care of yourself – do not underestimate what you will need to heal and forgive all involved, etc.

    But I sure would make him pay the bill, every cent of it!!!!

    Your well being comes first for me…and I’m going to just KNOW you’ll be allright!

    Love,
    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:40pm

  121. 121: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee:

    Look on the prior blog…Laughing Goddess posted two of Rori’s old post about being pregnant, etc…

    See # 770 and 771

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/you-cant-prove-to-a-man-that-youre-open-by-chasing-after-him-so-then-what-to-do/#comments

    She posted it just for you, and yes, for us as well…

    I think reading these two should give u answers to u questions

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:43pm

  122. 122: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Lucy! Honestly I wonder if we can ever achieve more than a very deep state of like and respect without it? My sister was oh so impressed with Mr. lowkeyed and then she heard my voice and was like, oh, no you’re over it…lol…it’s great living together, but dang I miss the spark!!

    Wonderful dream interpretation! You should be on my forum at tarot.com!

    PS – and I got one of those weird emails from your addy the other nite and then my computer went crazy saying I’d been invaded…luckily I just closed out and ran my anti virus, anti spyware and anti malware…but if you ever need to write me again – use the jlina one and a different address, ‘kay…I would feel bad not opening one of your emails, but can’t open any more of those.

    Sweet dreams!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:46pm

  123. 123: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline
    Thanks dear.
    Darling Ella
    I am reading and rereading them.
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:46pm

  124. 124: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee

    Sending thoughts of strength and peace. Please take very good care of yourself.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:47pm

  125. 125: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    But I need to tell you one more thing, which is, I feel tempted to emotionally rely on X. May be because I see myself as helpless now and I feel the urge to feel supported and all. How on earth can I stop feeling that way?
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:48pm

  126. 126: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lercomari)))

    RE: #105 :-( I feel sad to know you are hurting.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:51pm

  127. 127: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee:

    There is another week till Thursday…accept the temptation for now, don’t fight it…u have the right to change u mind by next Thursday…

    The more we fight our feelings…the longer the process for recovery…

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:52pm

  128. 128: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling annoyed and frustrated. Fb college guy has been talking off and on about wanting to get together for Forever but never comes thru with plans… he texts/fb/emails off and on, and when “on” is very sweet and affectionate and enjoyable. he is one i am always happy to hear from. until yesterday. after not hearing from him for a week, and all these months of not getting together i finally (just inside myself) was fed up. in my heart i kinda said screw you. i was surprised all the good feelings had

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:54pm

  129. 129: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I am trying to think with clarity. But the more I think the more confused I become.
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:56pm

  130. 130: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    soured. i hd always had good feelings about him before. this time i thot, well if he ever contacts me again i certainly will not feel excited and happy to hear from him! good riddens! SO today, out of the blue he texts me and with no prelude asks me out for next weekend. WHAT???

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:58pm

  131. 131: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #46 kaitlyn: Thank you for being on here and speaking so honestly & disclosingly… I feel you… I like all you said. You’re probably smart, savvy, full of good love, interesting, edgy cool, many-faceted, strong, talented/gifted (maybe in ways you don’t even know yet?), soft… I don’t know. But I DO know THIS: The NVs are LYING! (only every time their lips are moving ;) More later.

    #105 Lercomari: How I relate to your post here and the pain, sadness, embarassment, disregard that I feel in reading it… can words even really tell? I know this moment from relationships past and not as past. Love to you and nice to meet you on here. I have SO been thru that scenario and heard those same words… lol, I offer this that someone shared w me once: In our culture, if you tell someone you are disillusioned, they’ll say, “I’m so sorry to hear it!” But in Hindu culture they’ll say, “That’s great! Congratulations!” Disillusionment is a gift… illusion sucks (well only after it gets dissed, lol). For whatever it’s worth, you aren’t alone in this.

    #106 Darling Ella: Big warm hugs needed & received :) Thank you. I like being quite a bit unique around the edges but I don’t like feeling I’m in a unique situation, so it feels very good to read that… here’s to some different kinds of men for us, and good conversations to be had here. I’d like to hear more about your now ex and esp the honesty part (what was his engagement of that?) Hugs & sympathy back to you in the ending of a relationship… God that feels awful… I know… congratulations, we’ve just been disillusioned. OUCH THAT EFFIN HURTS!!! Argh.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 9:59pm

  132. 132: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – one time my boyfriend and I fought – and I tried to hit him over the head with a lamp and about pulled his private parts off twisting them and let him convince me to let go…

    – and he threw eggs into my refrigerator busting them in there….and we were drunk and (this was after a year long break up and me in therapy and when I realized they will ALWAYS hit you again if they hit you once….)…..

    he then had the presence of mind to beat the sh*t out of me by hitting my on the side of my jaw over and over (not splitting my lip open and having it swell 5x it’s size for the world to see….)

    AND I had to then go to the hospital in an ambulance to make sure my jaw wasn’t broken…and what am I gonna do, call my mother and give her a heart attack and get her to come take me…

    so he’s all contrite now…and I have to let him ride in the ambulance with me!!!! yep, “emotional support”

    Of course I left him and that was my lesson that no amount of “love” can make you able to stay with a man.

    You have time to plan….please think about it – one wrong word from him and it’s going to be 100x worse….find a friend, a stranger, a support group…anything???

    And learn from me – to this day I still feel humiliated that I let him beat me and then ride in the ambulance with me….

    and even after he quit drinking for 30 years, I would never marry him….even tho he’s going to retire a millionaire, even tho he was the prettiest brown eyed boy I’d ever seen, even tho he offered to pay for me to finish college!

    X is TOXIC…you said so for months. yes you’re weak, but you’re putting yourself in harms way if you do it…in my opinion, and still
    of course, you can do whatever you need to!!

    Love….

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:00pm

  133. 133: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #129 Lucy: Isn’t that the way it always goes? You washed your car and made it rain… again…? (yeah, what’s up with that phenomenon?!)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:00pm

  134. 134: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Seriously??? I JUST decided I’m done caring about this guy so, what?, he feels it in the air and decides to finally point blank ask me out??? so bizarre! And i really feel turned off about it! a week ago i woulda been thrilled. what now? i feel angry about the stupidity of the situation.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:01pm

  135. 135: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda…i like that 3 date rule! :)

    Hi Jacqueline :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:02pm

  136. 136: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #59 Lisi: Thank you, I’m taking that for my message/truth as well tonight. (Love your posts… if u have or ever do write a book, can I get an autographed copy please? ;)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:02pm

  137. 137: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens!!

    I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I miss you all so very much. I know, it’s only been two days, haha. And the past two days have been crazy busy. I had the fifth grade class from you know where at work today.

    I went on a date tonight!
    I suppose he’s a prospective CD.
    It was fun.
    He came this way and we met up at a bar around here. In all honesty he’s not as attractive as I’d like, but I had a nice time. He talks a lot which is good because it took the pressure off of me to be talking. I tried to envision the waterwheel in my mind, and I was trying out some other tools. I practiced the I’m all that one and sure enough, as everyone says, success – it works. Others definitely noticed. I think I’ve been testing out a mixture of leaning forward and leaning back with this one. So far it doesn’t seem to have much effect either way. He’s been receptive to just about everything.

    I’ll be catching up tomorrow!

    xoxo

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:02pm

  138. 138: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee:

    During that time…about two week before and about three weeks after…I literally mourn day and night…i would not stop crying and screaming my heart out…of pain…I felt like a lioness that lost her cub to a hunter…:(

    I thought of nothing but feel…I had a complete surrender once I made my decision…he was no longer a part of it…he kept calling, txt…I didn’t move…I felt nothing towards him…about the 3 week after…I began to deal with my emotions about him…felt sad…a sense of loss…angry at times…etc…

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:02pm

  139. 139: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Basically, as soon as I said I didn’t want it, I got it. :(

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:03pm

  140. 140: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #134 I totally get that… maybe timing is everything… and his timing may leave you feeling unvalued, or taken for granted? Buh bye, bad timing guy?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:04pm

  141. 141: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy..what are you going to do? Weren’t you afraid of “hurting” him last week?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:04pm

  142. 142: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bitter
    I feel pain
    I feel pain because I am dealing with something I never wanted in my life.
    I feel pain because I am doing something which I should not have done if X had stepped up
    I am feeling bitter because I went to him for help
    I feel bitter because I hear him intellectualize the situation
    I feel bitter because I feel rejected
    I feel pain because I feel somewhere deep down that I am compromising myself
    I feel pain because I am confused
    I feel pain when I think of those times when I actually thought that this is over
    I feel pain when I think of the times when I belived I am over X
    I feel bitter when I think that I am taking whatever little help he’s offering me
    It hurts to expect more from him
    It hurts all the more to see he’s not offering anything other than money
    I feel pain that my self esteem has taken a nose dive now
    I am bitter that I negotiated with him
    that I accepted his crumbs

    I am just writing things down
    I am trying to sort my feelings out
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:05pm

  143. 143: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #116 XOX to you, colleague Jacqueline! That felt good to read.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:08pm

  144. 144: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #113 Jilly: Yay for you! Thanks for a good report from the CD frontlines (to those like me in a small city where everyone knows each other… and I prefer guys from other more interesting places)… not ready for the frontlines yet, CD-dated TONS in past years I guess… but your post feels good, and brings back warm memories to help me get back on that horse. Uff!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:13pm

  145. 145: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((meemee))))

    nice job with the rifting!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:14pm

  146. 146: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky (love the name by the way!) and thanks :)

    sometimes i feel like i only post my anxieties on here and so it feels good to post the GOOD stuff too

    i feel happy like i’m really getting the hang of it…

    just today i was feeling a little overwhelmed…like how in the world am i supposed to handle all these MEN!!??? lol I love it!! but it does feel scary especially when i’m feeling really connected to more than one…thats never happened to me before

    i feel like the bachelorette…i really do

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:18pm

  147. 147: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Meemee))),

    I’m feeling so profoundly, deeply and terribly sad to the point of pain in my body around this issue. I feel so sorry for this situation. I feel like throwing up, and I feel so bad because I have seen ultrasound videos of a baby’s silent scream. I feel passionate about the feelings of the unborn, because he or she cannot speak for herself… I’m going to pour love all over myself and compassion, too, and let it slop over onto anyone else who wants it. Even though I’m heavy-hearted, I feel God inside me and I feel love. I feel like an instrument of love, and I’m just learning how to play me. I feel helpless and miserable because I feel helpless to change what I want to change. I’m praying on all this, praying on peace for myself. I’m going to give this up to God.

    I know there are no cheap solutions…but is killing a solution? I would feel so elated if you were to allow me the honor of personally adopting your child. I have longed to be a mother all my life.

    I also feel your pain and confusion. Looking back on my times of crisis I realize I was not able to think things through clearly. Instead, I often regretted the important decisions I made in crisis mode. This is why I always look for a well-informed, compassionate advocate. Someone who will help me consider all my choices and see the big picture. Someone who can help me understand there is life beyond the crisis. This is what they do at crisis pregnancy centers.

    I know when I am in a crisis, I tend to only see the crisis immediately facing me and am looking for a way to make the pain and confusion end. I have come to see the “crisis” as a way to bring healing to my wounds, wounds that can only spread and be compounded if I handle the crisis with short-sightedness.

    I have spoken to several women who went through an abortion (I recommend the book, “Stormie”, by Stormie O’Martian). What few realize is that a woman is actually the second victim of abortion: there is often long-term emotional trauma from the loss of your child.

    Many women are now wondering how to handle the emotional, physical and spiritual repercussions that have come from their freedom of choice. They know they are hurting and often times women suffer in silence because they fear their loved ones, friends, and church family will condemn them for their past choices. A crisis pregnancy center is a safe place for women to come for help, and I could put you in touch with one here if they are not available in India.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:19pm

  148. 148: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I am gonna close my eyes.
    I am gonna listen to a nice music
    I am gonna light a cigar
    I am gonna tell myself
    “Meemee, nothing has gone out from your hands. You still can make it.”
    I am gonna tell myself to accept myself completely.
    I am gonna tell myslef to love myself unconditionally
    Meemee

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:20pm

  149. 149: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly – oh, thank heavens!!! I have SO wanted to know the end of the story FOREVER but couldn’t bring myself to like publically ask you!!!! And so sad the re-admittance…and the re-hurt!!! Hugs to you, darlingest!!

    Lucy…so be angry….and sleep on it…and see if the feeling changes. But I’m sad you don’t get to feel excited – this I guess is the CDng point so you’ll be all able to feel happy cuz you had no focus on him – but you’re not superwoman and you feel what you feel. good luck!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:21pm

  150. 150: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #142 Meemee: Witnessing your words… relating… it feels dark, familiar, honest and grounding to read. Feeling you be in it, with it… appreciating your sharing and getting it out. I hope to see a *beautiful* rose, complete w thorns (realness) as well as blossom and fragrance, come up under that icy feeling… my projection… you’re not alone.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:21pm

  151. 151: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    yeah i probably was afraid of hurting him last wk. i was attracted to him in every way except physically but was wanting to give him a chance bc he made me feel good in all other ways.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:23pm

  152. 152: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #142 Oh, and Meemee…

    …imho the thorns on the rose are like good claws, they allow you to fight and hold your ground!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:24pm

  153. 153: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know what to do. will sleep on it at least. what really makes me mad is that it reinforces the pattern: if you don’t want it, you’ll get it. if you do want it, you won’t get it.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:27pm

  154. 154: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #147 I went thru abortion at 17 and wish I hadn’t. The lifelong pain is impossible to even describe. Worked thru lots of it but it never goes away completely… changes you forever, changes everything. No judgments on anyone here, but I can’t have kids now, that was my only chance. Wanted to have 2-5 (adopt a couple if nec). Was too ill (& broken by abuse) to handle them then though. Would take one in half a heartbeat now if I could! Biggest heartbreak of my life not to have any. It doesn’t stay dark & bad if you’re pregnant… it seems that way at the time, but gets a LOT better later as I’ve seen. Can I help? How? All I have to give are words… love… trust… presence… prayer… faith… listening and holding space.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:32pm

  155. 155: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    gingersky…i hope you are feeling better from earlier tonight… from #104

    lucy…i had a cd this past fall do that to me for months…but we went out on a date within 3 or 4 weeks so i definitely had time to form an “imaginary” man in my mind…i felt disappointed when we met…but he kept in contact and i start falling for him but he would never actually make anything happen even though i knew he liked me…and then he still looks at my dating profile all the time but he would never step up??? go figure..but i finally got bored and moved on…

    not saying this is whats happening…just sounds familiar :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:32pm

  156. 156: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #153 Lucy: Yes how I relate to that. Surely that is not really the truth of life… but it so seems like it sometimes. It MUST be true that we are manifesting that via some internal pattern — onew we can CHANGE. ?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:35pm

  157. 157: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Where’s all my friends?
    Out being the goddesses they are?
    I hope so!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:36pm

  158. 158: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    gingersky..i have a question for you….how did you find out you couldn’t have kids and it was from the abortion? if this is too much just say…

    i had one at 22 and i’ve often wondered if it ruined my chances because i’ve had alot of sex since then (although I’ve been really safe) and nothing…but i want children

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:37pm

  159. 159: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    um gingersky…maybe i misread your post now that i’ve re-read it

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:40pm

  160. 160: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Confuzzledcookie :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:41pm

  161. 161: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ok..it’s super late for me…i’m off to bed :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:42pm

  162. 162: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    77 loveiseverywhere

    Go for drinks. Drinks can also be low key.

    There’s a misconception that drinks+no sunlight = raucous partying, swinging from the chandelier, and rapey time. It’s not. Just have a drink and keep the meet-n-greet to 30 mins. And no, they don’t get weirded out when you have to go. Guys know it’s not a real date. No pressure for either person expected.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:43pm

  163. 163: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky,

    I had no physical or emotional pain after my abortion. I bought a sweater online from J Crew and took a nap afterwards.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:45pm

  164. 164: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #156 Thanks, Jilly. I’m ignoring it all and talking w Sirens… I could literally overload like a jammed power station, sparks flying & wires bustin’, but I will not. Not right now. Too much to handle and people who I may need to be there for. NO ONE human to lean on really, or be held by as I so need right now, except online peeps (and God is w me now). I’m pushing the nightmares in my mind over to the side and doing what a gal has to do in a time like this. Too many long periods of my life were taken by this stuff, depression, discouragement (which is what lead to the tragedy in my family for someone else who couldn’t take it, and so “ended things” yesterday) and I can’t go there now. The sun’s coming up in the morning, and I will be there to greet it, regardless. Glad you are all here tonight. This is better than the bar, better than getting drunk… not my plan, but my bro said he wanted to last night, and he usually doesn’t either. This is better than pining, puking, or pissing away my strength in misery. I could barely sleep last night and woke up tired… I may be tired tomorrow but I will be able to cope. I’ll be able to be filled and be there for family at a funeral this week. Meditation and prayer are most excellent imo, but I don’t want to be alone or truly quiet right now, and the Man is not stepping up. Sirens are stepping up.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:46pm

  165. 165: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jilly!!!!

    AND KAITLYN!!!!

    That is exactly what I did tonight, your drinks suggestion. I only had one, but it was a beer from the tap. Geeze she put it in a large glass, I think it was the equivalent of two, haha. Anyways, we were there for at least an hour and a half, maybe two. I should have paid better attention to the time.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:46pm

  166. 166: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Meemee))),

    More tight hugs! I met with my counselor today, and I told her my recent victory over the pain Ryan caused me in 2009. She discussed in depth with me how I am going to handle it if he contacts me again, which he probably will.

    She said it is very hard to do, but it is healthy both for me AND him for me to hold my boundaries. Per her guidance, I am going to write him one last letter, and, among other things, I am going to tell him to please not contact me unless he has found healing. Otherwise, the sick, hurtful cycle will only repeat itself.

    I am sharing that in case it is of use to you, too. Sadly, X has proven to be extremely self-centered. He has become angry with your expression of your tender feelings. Sadly, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. He is not going to be compassionate with you now.

    I know you feel weak and confused…that makes you vulnerable. If I were you, I would feel healthiest to allow ONLY financial support from him. He is not capable of giving emotional support. He is in X’s corner, not in Meemee’s corner.

    Love, prayers, and more tight hugs, Brenda

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:46pm

  167. 167: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I’m getting more comfortable about the privacy issues… I’m easing into it. Hope I don’t regret it. Thanks for being there.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:48pm

  168. 168: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    http://tinychat.com/siren
    ??

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:48pm

  169. 169: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I love you, but everything you believe about abortion is right wing propaganda.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:50pm

  170. 170: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Your interpretation of Sweetpea’s dreams is STUNNING!!!!!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:56pm

  171. 171: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    “3. X knows i am getting the abortion done on thursday and he promised to come with me to hospital. If he fails his promise what should I do?”

    MEEMEE,

    Law requires someone to pick you up from the procedure. PLease have a backup for someone to pick you up, as you are not allowed to drive yourself nor take a taxi. If he flakes, he flakes, but personally, I would cease contact with him. I am proud of your for making the wise decision to get this done. My thoughts are with you. It’s an easy procedure. Not something you’d wanna do every week like a French manicure, but it goes by smoothly and will definitely make you more careful about NOT getting accidently pregnant again.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:58pm

  172. 172: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #164 kaitlyn: that’s kind of how I was at the time too, but it was all jumbled and mixed together… the pain & deflatedness, brokenness, being changed forever after that (which I could barely recognize or identify & didn’t care about at the time) and getting up to go shopping days afterwards too, and going to work/school. I NEVER expected to feel anything but better, free, liberated, safe. It was many years before the pain & loss showed themselves for what they were… and in the meantime, had taken me down, but I couldn’t find the source of that. When I did, I was like, NO way… no big effin deal… why would it matter. It never mattered. But it did. And it hurt and pissed me off and more. I cried so hard at one point (for about an hour or more) bc of a certain song on the radio one night in my car parked outside my house, I thought I’d gag & pass out… not “drama”, that’s just what finally hit me and finally came out — 30 years later.

    I was SO PISSED! Like I’d been robbed.

    That’s just my story. Thanks for sharing yours. Life is stories and yours matters… they all do even when they don’t imo.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:58pm

  173. 173: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Goodnight all. Thanks for your support. Love hugs prayers for all – so sorry for your family tragedy gingersky :( <3 Lucy

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 10:58pm

  174. 174: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I love you, too. I was talking about my feelings, from my heart. I don’t know anything about right wing propoganda. My heart feels grieved and shocked when I see ultrasound videos of unborn children being aborted. My heart also feels grieved when I hear the heartache that mothers carry for years after abortion. I feel such love and compassion for creatures who are innocent and defenseless, whether they are animals or unborn babies. I also feel such love and compassion for Meemee, because she was horribly wronged by X, and I know how brokenhearted she is, and how he took advantage of her beautiful, tender heart.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:00pm

  175. 175: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    Like I said in my long post, I am trying to find myself, find my voice here. I am not perfect, and I am doing my best. Rori emailed me following the discussion of abortion last fall when you were in your crisis pregnancy. And, I learned a lot. She told me I can share my feelings with love and compassion. That is what I have done here.

    In the fall, I was not as solidly in feeling messages. I apologize for such heated discussion when you were in crisis. I feel bad, because I can see that turned you off and shut you down. And all that hit me before you even said anything on this thread tonight. I wanted to be a support to you. I care and I cared. But again, I am not perfect.

    My true feelings are love and compassion, for ALL the victims of abortion.

    Love, Brenda

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:15pm

  176. 176: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    *chucks some mud at knocksoftly*

    Hehe.

    Come play?

    I’m just kidding love, but hello. How are you?

    And I agree……… I dislike all forms of arguments. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:15pm

  177. 177: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #159 Jilly: It’s not too much to say (amazingly right now)… they can’t be sure if it had anything to do w the abortion but there may have been some cervical scarring or something (it was 1979, maybe different technology then). I never cared to find out really. I had other illnesses which weakened me so I couldn’t go thru pregnancy anyway.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:16pm

  178. 178: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #176 Meemee, for what it’s worth, since you don’t know me or anything, I *totally* support you in any decision you make… you have the right to that. I didn’t mean to sling any mud. I’m less clear and maybe somewhat careless bc of deep pain/upset right now. This blog is not about that issue per se, and I believe in and practice looking at all sides of any decision/reality w honesty & strength and clarity, bringing up what hides under the surface (no matter how dark & unpleasant) and w much compassion and tenacity if I can… and I do *not* wish to be in your business at all. I hope you get support form other sources that are designed to be about that issue as well.

    And I hope the rose come up under the ice for you still… all the best. xo

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:24pm

  179. 179: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #174 Lucy: Thank you very very much… hugs. I’m enjoying and benefitting from your posts… too much to reply to here but wanted to tell u that :)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:28pm

  180. 180: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #163 kaitlyn: lol good post, and good point!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:30pm

  181. 181: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #127 & 129 – FB Guy STILL hasn’t gotten together with you in person?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:34pm

  182. 182: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #118 Lucy: Chemistry is definitely and absolutely required by me. Else it’s like unsalted saltine crackers or something?

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:40pm

  183. 183: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen & Jacqueline: I posted several links about the metaphysical meanings of illnesses… I guess it’s making its way thru the approval process… it may not be able to be approved, I don’t know (may not be a cool/kosher/allowable thing to post)… you can look it up on your own if you’re interested. I use it as soon as I feel an illness or know I have one, and do something to take the emotion offline so I can get better easier. Hope you put all that behind you and it’s only a memory soon! xo

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:48pm

  184. 184: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I enjoy feeling sensitive when it is completely silent, and I listen to the rattles, taps, and knocks of items I move around on the desk. I feel in touch with the here and now, and I feel reflective, and that feels peaceful.

    I like it knowing all my animals are contentedly, comfortably sleeping, two dogs and four cats, and their little tummies are warm with good food, and they love to be with me. I like to watch them sleep, a little, soft paw curling or stretching now and then, a whisker twitching, their sides softly falling and rising. I like to reach over and touch a little puffy tail or stroke a leg with my finger.

    I feel grateful for all I have, even tho it isn’t all I want. I like my teddy bear collection, especially the big brown bear with a red, hooded sweater with his ears sticking out, and his name on his chest with a heart: Love. Next to him is my Raggedy Ann, my favorite kind of doll as a child.

    She represents all the love of my Mom. She had just bought me a new “Nangy”, as I called her, when I was about 4 or 5. I lost her while we were out shopping, and I cried and cried. My Mom just wanted me to feel content, so she stayed up all night sewing me a new one with the only fabric she had on hand: light green! I didn’t care that my new Nangy was green! I loved her and remember feeling so amazed that this new Nangy had appeared overnight! I know my Mom is my best friend in the world, the most valuable person in my life.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:49pm

  185. 185: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #187 knocksoftly ROFL indeed! That puts funny images in my mind lol ;) Science lab w kooky experiments gone awry!

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:50pm

  186. 186: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky,

    RE: #188 – Often websites will send it into moderation. I don’t think Rori will mind – it sounds like the sort of thing she is into. You could maybe repost it with “dot com” written out.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:51pm

  187. 187: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    RE: #187 – LOL! :lol:

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:52pm

  188. 188: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #189 Bless you, Brenda, wow. Tears… you have given me some peace so I can lay down and sleep. That is gold to me right now. Beautiful peace… beautiful stories… beautiful writing… thank you.

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:54pm

  189. 189: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    This is sooo cute!

    (\(\
    ( -.-)
    o_(“)(“)
    (\(\
    ( -.-)
    o_(“)(“)
    (\(\
    ( -.-)
    o_(“)(“)
    (\(\
    ( -.-)
    o_(“)(“)

    Thursday, 10 March 2011 @ 11:57pm

  190. 190: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky,

    RE: #193 – You’re welcome, and thank you!

    Here’s a brief poem I wrote in 2007:

    When it’s quiet enough to hear a clock tick
    And my thoughts take me to you
    I lie alone and caress myself
    Imagining your hands on my breasts

    When it is quiet enough to hear my heart beat
    I know that it is beating for you

    When it is quiet enough to hear my own breathing,
    Every breath sighs, “I love you!”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:03am

  191. 191: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I wrote this poem in the 90′s for my friend, Arnold, who was my first boyfriend. We remained friends for years after we broke up.

    True Treasure

    I love to sneeze and I love to sleep
    To feel the breeze, as soft as a sheep
    To find lost keys, or a bargain for cheap
    But mostly I’m pleased for a friend to keep

    A choice of ease, or a friendship so deep
    A buddy to tease, or a bright red jeep
    In a heartbeat I’d seize what a loved one would reap
    Acceptance that frees, and hearts joined that can weep

    Feeling loved
    And feeling love
    For you
    My true friend

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:07am

  192. 192: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I wrote this in 2002, during my wild years, when I realized how empty it was making love when love wasn’t really there…

    Barren

    A hot dog without mustard
    Peanutbutter without jelly
    Morning without coffee
    A computer without a printer
    A yard without a dog
    A house with no companion
    Friendship without togetherness
    Sex without cuddling

    Love without Forever

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:08am

  193. 193: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda
    I am trying to write something here. But I dont seem to have any clarity at the moment. Still, let me write and try and have some.
    I stand convinced that you are deeply concerned and in the past too you were. I am deeply touched. And I respect your honesty to write your feelings and opinions here. I really do. I love you. Many thanks.
    However let me try and tell you what I feel.
    Firslty there are no preagnancy crisis centres here in the place where I live. Nor do I know anyone who decided to keep a child born outside marriage. I dont know how to put this. Pregnancies like this are seen with harsh criticism and moral judgement.
    I know I have to take a call. And I have taken that. I am asking myself the following question
    Do I have to fight and keep this baby? No.
    Do I want to subject myself to humliation and moral judgement within my culture? No
    Do I want to hurt my parents and fight? No
    Do I want to take a decision to keep this and feel resentful towards the child and myself for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to quit my PhD to raise a child? No.
    Do I want to fight a legal battle to prove that the child is X’s? No (He told me very clearly that I can set aside all my womanly and motherly feelings because he is going to deny it outright if I take any decision other than abortion)
    Do I want to keep his memory with me for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to give birth to a baby and give it for adoption and keep regretting for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to shut all possibilities of meeting a decent man in my life? No. (Belive me, here in my country even the fact that a girl had previous sexual relationships is a stigma and seen as morally wrong)
    Do I want to leave my life aside for the coming two years in the process of raising a child? No.
    Do I want to get reminded of X everytime I see the child? No. (Do you remember, I got pregnant the day I broke with him. He gave me promises after promises, made love and denied every promise he made and said he wants to cut the relationship 6 hours after making love to me. I sat in his car for 2 hours listening to his shouting and arguing with him and finally opened the door and walked away)
    Will I be able to go to office and lead a normal life if I take a decision other than abortion? No
    Do I want my name and photo to appear in local news paper as an unwed mother fighting against “fate” and her “abuser”? No
    Will I feel hurt if I keep this Child? Yes.
    Will I feel hurt if I dont keep this child? Yes
    I know its a question of value. And values, by its very definition, are meant to be different.
    I am not looking at what is morally right or wrong here. I am only trying to think what is the correct decision to be taken.
    I have weighed lots of things.
    There might be more than one solution to every problem.
    This also might have multiple solution.
    Even now what I am trying to resist is the emotional pull towards a man who treated me like absoute sh*t. I started having that pull the moment I knew I am pregnant.
    Can I stop expecting things from X like taking care of the child, be a formal father? No
    If I keep this child every day I will wake up and look for a sign from X. A sign that he cares for the baby. He does not. He does not care for anything other than X. I will be hoping every minute that he will make the child’s life better by stepping up and he will sail into a safe marriage and raise his own kids born out of a legal and institutionalized marriage.
    Do I have to suffer this much Brenda? I feel, I strongly feel I should not.
    X is a chapter I am trying to forget.
    X is a chapter I nearly forgot but had to reopen because of this pregnancy.
    I will feel really bad, really really bad if for the rest of my life I get reminded of him every second of my life because of what he left behind with me.
    I will feel equally bad when I think of a baby I had killed.
    If the choice is between this, I would rather feel bad about the non existent baby than about an existent abuser.
    I dont know how do I sound when I say this.
    I may sound very selfish.
    I may sound very cowardly
    I may sound very dramatic
    But this is what I am. I am being very genuine. I am being disgustingly honest here.
    I may be able to see the child independant of X, ten years down. But I doubt I will be able to have emotions towards the child independant of what I feel towards X.
    I will not take that risk. I dont want to take that risk.
    I am sure you will understand me even if you wont agree.
    Love you
    Meemee

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:09am

  194. 194: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I also wrote this poem for Arnold, when we were still in love, around 1990:

    Prince Untouchable

    Prince Untouchable, concealed by concrete and steel
    Your eyes reflect no pain, no weakness,
    Eyes that have known despair, utter human debasement
    And your heart, in its cold void, has soaked warmth from visions of
    Carefree birds hopping about to find food
    You joke about insanity, proving you’re not
    Past horrors torment your mind; past hurts train your eyes to be invincible
    All of life is hard, and dead, and cold
    And so must you be

    What gentleness is lying there? What tender care still glows?
    What warmth of emotion overtakes your eyes, where only a moment ago nothing showed?

    Prince, I know I saw all that there
    Or was it just the lines of parallel shadows across your face,
    Tricking me and mocking you?
    Present shadows, ever trying to convince you that
    There is no beauty, there is no joy,
    There is no freedom, there is no end
    That hope is just a figment of your imagination

    Prince, look beyond the shadows
    I focus on your face, and the lines of parallel shadows
    Become only a blur, trying to block my true vision
    I look into your eyes, and I see only beauty, depth, warmth, and love
    My true vision transcends the shadows, and it will far outlast them
    You have touched me, my Prince!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:09am

  195. 195: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky, Knocksoftly, Darling ella and Kaitlyn
    Thanks a lot.
    Now my head is becoming stable
    My body is becoming stable
    I am trying to relax and asseess the situation and possibilities.
    Yes. I should have a back up. I called and talked to my supervisor. She said she will fly down any moment I need help. If X backs off at any moment, if he disappears she said she will come and be with me till this is over.
    But she told me very clearly that I should make him pay the bill.
    Thanks a lot. I am going through lots of ups and downs.
    I need prayers
    I need hugs
    I need support
    Love
    Meemee

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:16am

  196. 196: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, Brenda, Gingersky, Darling Ella, thanks for your support, empathy and love. It’s hard to imagine that I ever had my hopes up so high about him.

    @Darling Ella I think your hunch is right…I was talking to a male friend this evening, and he told me, if a guy says his girlfriend is soooo horrible and he still doesn’t leave her, he’s lying. I don’t know if that’s true in every case but maybe I had better just assume that this is the case with the banker and his gf. It’s just that the banker is a girl magnet and he knows it…he flirts around way too much. I’m sorry I conveniently chose to ignore that. I got drawn right into him. And we had SEX. omg. He’s the third person in my life I’ve slept with besides a boyfriend and my ex husband. I feel so bad about having slept with him now. Maybe I should be glad we’re not dating…but still…can’t help but feel a bit used and very hurt. :(

    @Gingersky , nice to meet you too. :) I like what you said about being disillusioned in Hindu culture. It makes sense to be happy that the blinders are taken off and you can see your way clearly. It’s just not so fun initially, when the blinders get taken off and you realize you’re in the middle of the desert, not on a tropical beach. But I still believe I will find my beach someday.

    Still feel that dull ache in my center, like I want to cry but I can’t…I will sleep on it and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:19am

  197. 197: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Meemee)))

    RE: #199 – Tight hugs…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:27am

  198. 198: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I wrote this in 1990 in response to a poem a friend wrote about the pain of love. The last line of his poem was, “If this is love, then love is war.” Here was my response:

    Go Ahead, Break My Heart
    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me
    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?
    I open up my heart; you hand it back in pieces
    This pain never ends; this heartache never ceases
    I slam shut the drawbridge, snatch back the key
    The trust I offered you again will never be
    I will build a wall and say forget it all
    Inside the wall of me, I am safe and secure
    You cannot reach me here; I am hidden and obscure
    I am a self-sustaining castle, unreachable by pain
    Loneliness is my only companion; fear is my only gain
    Better to love and lose again, you see,
    Than to suffer alone endlessly
    When you give away something as precious as love
    It’s never for nothing in the eyes from above
    The best things in life are free, but they cost a lot
    Things like wisdom and love can’t be bought
    Opposites go in pairs, wisdom and mistakes
    Can’t have one without the other – love and heartaches
    To say love is bliss is to say humans are flawless
    Next time I open up my heart, I’ll still be reckless and lawless
    I will pour out my love with the carefree ardor
    Of a waterfall smashing down on the rocks, like a martyr
    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me
    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:51am

  199. 199: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    I keep wondering, was it right of me to approach the banker that way? I basically asked him to choose between me and his gf…I feel bad about it. Was I justified in approaching him that way even if I was using feeling messages?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:17am

  200. 200: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    202 Meemee

    Don’t be shocked if he doesn’t pay the bill or half the bill. Be prepared to pay it, even if you have to put it on credit card. At least it’s getting paid.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:30am

  201. 201: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    In certain states (or are you outside the USA?), PLanned Parenthood write you a voucher to give to the DHSS for free abortion for those in financial straits. No proof of income needed.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:32am

  202. 202: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lercomari))),

    I am not a professional, so I can’t say for sure. Plus I don’t know exactly what was said or in what context. However, what I feel confident of is that if a man is seeing two woman, that’s a deal breaker immediately.

    Rori wrote one blog thread something like why you can circular date but he can’t. I don’t have time to look it up, but maybe you can find it with those keywords.

    When we walk away, we take back our power and self-respect, upping our degree of difficulty. I believe you did the right thing.

    I know it hurts tho….hugs….

    Love, Brenda

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:34am

  203. 203: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn
    I am in India.
    Meemee

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:39am

  204. 204: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn
    I have a very strong gut feeling that he will not turn up.
    I strongly feel so.
    I dont want to worry about that
    I want to stay focused now
    Meemee

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:40am

  205. 205: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Meemee)))), please be kind to yourself and take some time to rest. Sending you a big warm hug today. xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:55am

  206. 206: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.wishsummit.com/calls

    xxx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:14am

  207. 207: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling a little sad- I haven’t received Rori’s newsletters in a while… any suggestion as to why that may be?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:55am

  208. 208: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @202: Meemee says:
    “…I should have a back up. I called and talked to my supervisor. She said she will fly down any moment I need help. If X backs off at any moment, if he disappears she said she will come and be with me till this is over.
    But she told me very clearly that I should make him pay the bill…”

    Hello, dear Meemee:
    I suggest, if it is possible, you have a girlfriend go to hospital with you instead of X. I am happy you have found positive friendship and support from your supervisor. You need help NOW. Accept her offer NOW and not just as a back up.

    Make her your plan and a support into your future. DO NOT rely on X for morale support. Let him pay, let him back off, let him disappear. Accept his payment of our expenses. Accept her support.

    Hugs.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:30am

  209. 209: GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    mailakah put your email address here. I will send what I have to you.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:38am

  210. 210: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @206: Lercomari

    You focused on yourself, your feelings and your desire to have the relationship you want. I think you did just fine. Give yourself a hug and kiss. Cry as much as you feel. You are now on a journey to meet your soulmate beloved and after a while you will be excited about this.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:39am

  211. 211: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    200: MeeMee

    You are brave and strong.

    Tight hugs to you.

    lc

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:39am

  212. 212: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, Jilly, Siena

    Thank you so very much for your input. Here is what I was thinking to write

    Hi Craig,

    it felt annoying to get caught in the rain and call you late last night. Hope your presentation went great;)
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) What do you think?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:55am

  213. 213: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum

    Thank you again for your input yesterday and SORRY I was listening 30% and explaining, contradicting and justifying 70% again in my response!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:56am

  214. 214: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    malaikah 214:

    No more newsletters means u are now considered a certified Rori Siren :) Kidding ;)

    Lol…I asked myself the same thing when the letters stopped two months ago…I recall Tinque mentioning something about it – and that we can sign up again for the letters…

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:00am

  215. 215: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Goddess: malaikah37@gmail.com

    Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Lots of love your way <3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:03am

  216. 216: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 116 Meemee I agree with SLV. Stand up to him by only accepting financial support for the procedure. In your position I would not even offer any comment on how I am doing after the procedure. He most likely will try to show compassion or concern to ease his guilt. I would not help him with that by giving him any information.

    I also have to say that it is a bit surprising that you say the out of wedlock pregnancy and abortion is so stigmatized in your culture yet there are doctors who carry out such procedures and apparently are easily available. It leaves me feeling that your situation is not as uncommon as you might think.

    My main concern for you is in the healing, forgiveness and compassion for yourself afterwards. That will be an uphill battle IMHO and you will best serve yourself by being aware so you can be prepared to deal with it.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:10am

  217. 217: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes… I don’t feel seen or heard.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:14am

  218. 218: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 224 Lilybelle sometimes I feel it is a good thing here on this blog. That way you won’t get plastered or hammered as I did last week.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:22am

  219. 219: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle #224:

    I see u and hear u :) Warm hugs

    Don’t Cry – Seal for you

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXsAtWbEoRU

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:27am

  220. 220: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW – I feel sorry that you got hammered last week. I really enjoy your posts and the information that you put on here from other dating coaches. It helps me alot.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:27am

  221. 221: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    225: I hear that, FW.

    I still feel icky about that.

    Hey, did you see my thingy about Manly Man? Feel free to email me off blog, if you wish. I would welcome that.

    blueyedgirl63@yahoo.com

    Big hugs to you!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:28am

  222. 222: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    “A change is gonna come” – to all the Sirens

    I so love Seal :) and his interpretation of “A change is gonna come” feels awesome …

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHa096VQ8FE&feature=related

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:37am

  223. 223: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    226: DE

    Awww…Thank you!

    You are right…a change is gonna come and it is in process. Hee Hee. I feel almost giddy with excitement.

    Big warm hugs back to you. I like hugs.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:40am

  224. 224: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @225: Femininewoman

    Hammered.. uh-oh. I’ll give a hug. Luv ya! (((FW)))

    Sometimes things happen on the blog…

    I’ve been compared to farm animals… :P is what I say to that. Most of us are here to learn and share and do the best we can at the time.

    I’m still searching for that real man/mature man article/poem. I hope it turns up.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:41am

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 228 Lilybelle I saw it but thought Rori’s response to Boomer in 28 was applicable to that situation also. The one I would say is pay attention to your words “his sexual energy scares me. And, because he is so masculine, I feel off-balanced”. I would ask myself “why is his sexual energyy so scary? Why do I feel so off balanced”. If I was going to assume anything, it would be that I have some amount of discomfort around my sexuality. I was listening to this month’s interview with Tinque and she was talking about exploring your body with multiple orgasms and masturbation. I immediately realized that I have tension around those topics and was closed up in my pelvis area around it. Don’t know if that relates to you or if you have something similar but I intend to explore my beliefs around that and how my body responds to that.

    I saw one of the ladies in Sex and City do it in front of her husband who was closed off to her sexually and how it opened up the relationship for them. I have also read that some guys get turned on by that kind of thing but remember thinking there is no way I would masturbate in front of a man. But now that I am listening to this interview I am having all kinds of thoughts.

    Could it be that he is reflecting to you that there are parts of your sexuality that is closed off? Rori’s words “open up the closed-down parts of yourself and get into the light the dark parts of your subconscious that want to keep you trapped in your same-old-same old” were very loud to me. What I would do in such situations is keep all my dates outdoors but I would continue dating him and checking how my body is responding to him. You want to be aware about when you are turned on and what turns you on. You want to be aware of what and where you are off-balance in your body IMHO.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:46am

  226. 226: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 227 Thank you T-Girl, I appreciate that.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:53am

  227. 227: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    232: FW

    I value and appreciate you so much. You have given me more to think about and digest.

    I think my “fear” of his strong sexual energy is really about sleeping with him… I had given myself some boundaries surrounding that and he wants to cross those and honestly, I want to let him. lol

    BUT, I have my mother and the social stigma in my ear talking about “good girls don’t, bad girls do.” After all these years, she is still in my ear. I would like to find a way to heal that, let it go and be free to experience.

    lc

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:14am

  228. 228: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I have seen a few mentions of Rori’s “yummy pie” email. As I have just signed up, I have not seen this. Can someone post the contents or forward the link?

    …Still working (hard) to leave my oars alone and to be content to drift for a while while I wait for my husband to pick them up. The hardest part is to let go of disappointment and expectations and just let things happen (or not). I find myself hoping and hoping that he’ll finally get it and then feeling sad when he doesn’t. Maybe this is a lesson in patience for me, but I’m feeling a little frustrated at the moment. I can’t believe how hard it is just “to be.”

    I really am seeing that he doesn’t love or respect me for doing everything for him. He’s happy to take what I give, but it doesn’t inspire him to give back. And then I just feel taken advantage of.

    I like the suggestion that was given to do something for myself whenever I would have done something for him. I have also been asking myself “do I really need to do this?” For example- Yes, I need to make dinner (because I need to eat), but do I need to make something elaborate? No! Do I need to wait until he comes home (late) to eat? No! So I just made what I wanted, and ate when I felt like it. I actually felt a bit of weight lift just by doing this simple thing.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:27am

  229. 229: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    I had a strange dream about P last night that was choppy and all over the place. I can’t even really remember it, but it made me feel quite a longing for him.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:28am

  230. 230: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Sirens… Why is it so hard to look at the good when you’re feeling low?

    My babies leave in a few to be w/their dad for a week.. I was supposed to be w/LMcowboy this week if things had gone the way we’d discussed/I thought planned…

    I’ve told God that I am willing to be alone.. But I need a “life” friends… stuff.. so I’m not lonely… I do know quite well how to be happy alone…and how to survive alone w/another person… But now, at this point in my life I really wanted love…

    I just don’t bounce well anymore… not off my horse, not in my heart… I HATE having men in my mind… thoughts.. heart if they are not meant to stay..

    I GET the CD thing… for me, it just is like doing any other distracting thing.. .like drinking or something.. feels great to feel no pain, but the next day is a beeoch…and my heart hurts…

    So.. last weekend when I told LMCB off I told him that some guy on OKcupid had emailed me and asked to chat.. I gave him my number w/out making him work for it because his profile pic was a wrangler butt in chaps (for city girls-the view of the back side of a working cowboy lol)

    He said what’s his name? I said I didn’t know and didn’t care.. I was running so as not to think of him w/other women…. he said well just don’t think of me w/other women…laugh…

    Of all the men in my life… ALL of them.. there have only been TWO that could reach me w/words My most important desire…

    I didn’t even think it really existed, what they do… the first was toxic so I didn’t believe, the second was LMCB… He is one of the most heartbroken, and tormented souls I’ve known..

    I didn’t need him.. I wish he’d never come. I was better off not believing what he was existed…

    NOW chaps cowboy did call last weekend and his voice didn’t match his pic.. so I had him send me one right then…

    YEP you got it.. LIAR!!!!! WTF? Why am I drawing this to myself?

    Online he says he’s 47… but on phone 53.. the pics online are him at LEAST 10-20 yrs younger.. Just got out of a marriage 5 mos ago to a 32 yo woman that he talks to daily..

    Anyway, I sort of agreed to go out this weekend, but then never hear from him all week.. He lives 3 hrs away and would drive here for lunch/movie/whatever I want..

    So my week goes good…I work one day as a waitress in a one horse town cafe…I’m thinking about quitting cause my reg home biz is getting busy, but have fun seeing all the local farmers and they seemed to have missed me..

    I make DOUBLE my usual tips..

    I look in an outdated newspaper on the counter and see the date past ad for auditions for play.. call anyway… get the part and have had rehearsals every night this week and its funny and FUN! I’m dating myself sort of…

    I’ve told God and my family that I’m done w/dating/men… Now if I could just get over the lonliness… I believe happiness is a choice and I’m trying to choose happy alone…

    I’ve said I need an “arranged” marriage if I’m ever to have one… I do not want all this mind fuc&ing that comes w/flirting/dating!!!!!! I am too soft… I get hooked… my mind is too … something..

    SO chaps calls yesterday while I’m on my way to a funeral to ask about Sat.. He’s prepared for me to turn him down.. I think he knows I know he’s a liar…

    I had just told God that I needed something to entertain myself with this weekend.. no kids, no play practice, no friends here other than cousins… And he calls…

    Do I have to go out with him? Oh and he’s not cute…

    Cousin says that if someone wants to take me out and treat me nice I should go… but I don’t know how to explain this… I feel too sensitive… too easily “slimed” by other people’s energy.. especially men when it’s in a situation like “dating”.. even when you’re just “pals”… I can feel their … hopes? If not expectations…

    I am sad today…I’m trying to look for every single thing I can to be thankful for… but I miss LMcowboy… and he writes on his blog he misses my voice… but he wasn’t real… so why does it hurt so much?

    I know that very soon he will be as forgotten as Smooth cowboy… But I resist it w/him… I don’t want forget him… I want to be mad he came… It felt like a horrible cruel trick… Dangle the ONE thing I didn’t dare hope for in front of me… then SNATCH it away as soon as I believed…

    I feel like I am truly destined to be alone… unless I settle for less than I want… because I am too tired to play the games it takes…. too tired and angry at the thought of weeding through the sale bin to find the deal…F*ck that chit….

    Aren’t I just peaches and sunlight today? LOL…
    I can’t say this on my blog… I have to have overcome, survived, and have a lesson learned before I can write it there… You are the only ones I can show myself to when I am ugly and raw…

    Thank you for any words of wisdom you can share about this… especially chaps… he’ll call in a couple hours…. IDK what to say…

    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:43am

  231. 231: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 234 That sounds like it need a reframe. Maybe look at it from the Pat Allen mp3 which lets us know about the oxytocin effect of bonding that takes place after sex? Also the fact that guys slow down the pursuit or withdraw after sex seeing they mostly prefer to shut down strong emotions? I guess what I am saying is put in perspective past experiences about what comes up after sex. Also in as much as you want to do it, how emotionally attracted is he to you and how long have you been dating? CC says the deep emotional bond is what keeps the relationship together, the physical chemistry does not go down. Are you comfortable doing it in light of other people’s story of the guy withdrawing and disappearing after 2 months of a great connection. Remember sex clouds our judgement and guys know this happens to us. Many men tend to allow “the wheels to come off” and react with strong emotion and neediness after sex. I have heard coach after coach after coach say be aware of yourself and do not have sex until you can handle it. If you can have a “whatever” attitude after and be happy with or without him is the winning combination/attitude. However, if you will want more, you might shoot yourself in the foot. Many guys have not thought about whether they really want us in their lives before they jump into bed. It is just sex and they enjoy it. Also other women have taught them that they had better run for the hills after, so they are mentally prepared to do that and sometimes they flame out just on the expectation of a woman going “psycho”. Also remember that some guys do sex to “mark their territory”. Are you will to be his if he claims you in that way?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:53am

  232. 232: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    229: Darling Ella
    OMG I LOVE that song… I’ve never heard it before… WOW thank you!
    I’m buying it now…
    I could use a change…lol
    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:59am

  233. 233: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @237 PG
    “…Thank you for any words of wisdom you can share about this… especially chaps… he’ll call in a couple hours…. IDK what to say…”

    I think this is on topic. I think I’d say “yes!” Rori says: “Just keep exploring and allowing….” And also, I believe, be willing to be surprised.

    The date could be just for fun, a no stress lunch and “getting-to-know-you” conversation…maybe a couple hands of poker… :D … and then he’s gone.

    Plan some stuff to do after he leaves, so if you are getting bored you have something else to look forward to.

    BTW, I’m still listening to the Sada music video. Remember that? Thanks for bringing it to me. I feel lovey when I hear or watch it.

    Sade – “By Your Side”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8QJmI_V3j4

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:03am

  234. 234: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm…Feeling weird…as in uncomfortable…a bit worried…:(

    My last nite date, Mr. C sent me a txt this morning “have a great day! thank u 4 last nite”…the tone doesn’t sound the same as before…not as enthusiastic…:(

    I feel triggered because I recently had another guy flat out txt me he expected I would send him a message after the date to thank him for the $100 dinner…:( Although, I thanked me at the end of our dinner and when he dropped me off…

    I always show appreciation…just that I don’t follow up no more…

    I now feel concerned Mr. C feels the same way :( A few other guys before suggested movies, getting together during our short date…I expressed “yes, it feels great :)…” i did not follow up with neither one…and neither were they…:(

    I recall something a guest on Rori’s toxic program said that men on the West coast (particularly LA guys) are lazy…they are used to women coming half way or doing all the work :( Gosh, i now feel awful…and doubtful of succeeding using the tools as they are…I may need to adjust them :(

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:03am

  235. 235: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I am thinking I’m carrying around with me my own built-in love factory. I can bring healing, peace, love and everlasting joy to some lucky man… This is powerful!
    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:11am

  236. 236: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl Got the following from Christian Carter

    I tell them that pulling away is very common for a man – even in the best of relationships. What matters here is not that the man is pulling away, it’s how the woman HANDLES the situation when he does. Because while you can’t generally control why, he pulls away, you CAN have full control over how you respond to it. Think about that for a minute. You have enormous power in your relationship with a man to steer things in a positive direction… even if he’s not “cooperating” with you in any given moment.
    So let me ask you this: How do you usually respond when a man pulls away? Do you get upset and react out of fear to the problem he’s creating?
    Or… are you conscious and aware enough to take a moment to make a different choice – a choice that could reconnect you both right away rather than push back when you feel him pulling away?”
    A large part of handling this situation with a man actually involves not DOING very much at all. If you’ve ever heard of the expression “action in inaction”, you’ll want to keep it in mind here. The concept is that NOT taking action and giving up control of a situation is sometimes the most powerful action you can take. Why? Because you’re allowing events to unfold naturally and you actually get to learn information you can use to then take the necessary action. Let me show you what I mean in the context of this all-too-common relationship scenario where a
    man pulls back.
    NON-ACTION 1: TAKE A STEP BACK YOURSELF
    When a man who has been showing a lot of interest in you suddenly pulls back, your immediate reaction is probably to launch into “fix it” mode. You might start to worry, ask him what he’s thinking and feeling, and generally try to “fix” the situation.
    While this might seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it usually ends up leaving you frustrated and can actually create more distance between the two of you.
    That’s because when one person in any interaction becomes the “convincer”, the other person will usually resist. It’s human nature, and you probably know it all too well from your experience with men.
    A key to not falling into the trap of trying to fix things when a man withdraws into himself and to not drive yourself crazy trying to get him out of it is to first understand if this is a pattern HE HAS in his own life.
    If so, the first you need to do is to get clear that this is NOT about you. Doing that will allow you to clear your mind and stop acting from a place of worrying or wondering if it’s something about you or your relationship.
    NON-ACTION 2: IDENTIFY HOW HE’S WITHDRAWING
    Taking a step back also let’s you do something else: It gives you a chance to observe him and if his withdrawing is more a pattern of his own rather than a reaction to something specific in your relationship. There are two ways a man can withdraw. I call them “annoying withdrawal” nd “dysfunctional withdrawal”. Annoying withdrawal is when a man pulls back into himself and his own mind for a few minutes or hours and takes space for himself. Sure, he might shut down his feelings and communication, but he doesn’t do this for long. He is also able to come out of it and ultimately communicate and allow space for your feelings once he’s out of it.
    On the other hand, dysfunctional withdrawal does not allow for your feelings. It usually lasts longer and is more isolating and intense. It repeats frequently in response even to seemingly little stresses or things a man isn’t capable of handling emotionally, and it does not ultimately allow for the exchange and communication that a real relationship requires.
    THE RIGHT KIND OF ACTION THAT BRINGS HIM CLOSER
    Once you get the first two steps I shared above, there’s a simple way to permanently avoid the kind of withdrawal that makes you feel less appreciated or understood by a man. Here’s something nteresting about how men work that you probably never thought of. A man falls more DEEPLY in love with you because of the way you handle the important moments in your relationship – in ways other women can’t and don’t

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:12am

  237. 237: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella 221: Haha if only! Care to make me a certificate for me? ;)
    Slowly but surely getting there… I feel so much more content and happy with life now, and I sincerely believe that a lot of that has to do with Rori’s advice and blog =)
    Wishing all you sirens a wonderful day! xxx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:15am

  238. 238: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    241: DE

    I agree. I believe men have gotten used to women leaning forward and expect it now. When we don’t, I often think they feel we aren’t interested in them.

    It is difficult not to lean forward, especially if you are particularily interested in one (Me = Gentle Man) more than the others. But, I am not leaning forward at all. This is experimenting for me, big time. And it’s also letting go of the old thoughts that I have to “DO” something for a man to be interested in me.

    I am still so very new at this whole concept of not doing. I am pretty good at leaning back, started that a while ago. And, when they do initiate contact, I feel more sure that they are interested because they ARE interested, not because I tried to make it happen.

    I’m rambling here but it’s helping me.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:17am

  239. 239: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    240: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    SLV lol…that is true…very on topic huh?

    You’re right about the plans after, I will make a point…

    I saw you mention the Sade song on the last post when I was so behind on reading and it felt really good to know I’d gotten to give you something… You give so much on here….

    I went and played it then (I bought it) and it really just kind of made me sad… It came on in the rotation on my Ipod at the gym earlier this week too and made me sad then too.. Made me think of LMCB…and feel like no one would ever feel that way about me, or appreciate fully me feeling that way about them…

    See…I am just a downer today..lol

    upside… I got one last play practice for the week, tonight and my character is such a floozy and a ditz she is so fun to do/be… I’ve never done a play before… maybe in HS but I can’t remember.. it’s way fun…

    So I’m aiming for all the good… thinking of the good… but today is a slippery slope…

    Chaps called but I asked him to call back in an hr when kids are gone… I’m thinking of saying that i feel uncomfortable with the stuff I feel uncomfortable with but that I would still be willing to go have lunch…

    Thoughts?
    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:17am

  240. 240: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning Sirens! :)

    PG- awwww…i can feel your disappointment and rawness…..i agree the CDing thing can feel like just another thing “to do”…my mom says i have a full time job with it lol….she’s amazed at the whole process i’ve been doing

    please don’t give up…but yes there does seem to be a pattern..maybe it’s a message about boundaries?? i don’t know…i don’t like to give too much advice here on the blog but it’s nice to hear different views too :)

    i learned of Rori exactly a year ago! and i would have expected to find my “one” already BUT…i have grown sooooo much..i feel really happy..i know i will be happier in my happily everafter relationship…

    i’m glad you are here :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:18am

  241. 241: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, I have one more question: how can we select our own pictures as our avatars on this site? I’ve seen many of you with lovely pictures, and I can’t seem to put one up for myself… :S

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:18am

  242. 242: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    DE @241 that feels yucky to read that he thought you would text him later thanking him for the 100$ dinner ;(

    sounds like you are being the goddess you are and leaning back! :) yay…that’s when you say…NEXT :)

    i wouldn’t worry about Mr C…he texted you the next morning…that’s a good sign :) remember you’re the PIE!! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:25am

  243. 243: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle:

    Thank you for u feedback and validation …:)

    I feel comfort with leaning back these days and not being tempted to contact anybody…thanks to my imaginary relationship to J…:)

    I am now connecting with my own truth and comfort level…as a Rockstar I can do anything…yet, am I one yet? Not really…initiating a contact is somehow attached to an expectation and i fear rejection…:(

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:29am

  244. 244: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 241 DE I would have text him back to say “that feels weird but I understand your expectations because I have them sometimes and am mostly disappointed because people don’t always do what I want them to do because they can’t read my mind.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:29am

  245. 245: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly #249:

    Oh, so sweet of u :) It feels good to read u encouragement :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:30am

  246. 246: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Malaikah…ditto with what you said!!

    “I feel so much more content and happy with life now, and I sincerely believe that a lot of that has to do with Rori’s advice and blog =)”

    i believe i am so much happier and content due to Rori’s Tools and Teachings and the Blog…i can’t even explain it…i feel so much appreciation right now!!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:31am

  247. 247: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Re: 243

    Thanks for that! So what if your man is more of the dysfunctional withdrawer type? I’m learning not to ask him what’s wrong or get him to talk when he’s in a funk, but it’s hard not to take it personally when it seems to be his pattern of reaction to seemingly minor things.

    What is the best way to deal with this type of pattern?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:33am

  248. 248: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, glad to hear you have made a start on leaning back! I’m learning all this myself but think it will take time……
    On the Christian Carter CD I have, he says that you really need to lean back and let go. If you are leaning back but still thinking/worrying about him and the situation, he will still feel that vibe and pressure. So, the thing is to ensure your bucket is FULL by focusing on you and then the vibe will shift from him to you and that’s when he has the space he needs.
    When men rubber band, they do spring back and to remind me of this I used to wear a rubber band as a bracelet and when I wanted to lean forward I pinged myself with the rubber band!! The more you focus on you, the better!
    A friend came to stay with me a few weeks ago for a weekend and when she returned home her husband was all over her as he missed her so much and bought her flowers. So, a little bit of distance can help. Can you arrange a night out with friends or go away for a night or two?
    Hang in there you’re making progress and I don’t know if you saw on the previous post that I loaned your oars to a man who needed them. xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:33am

  249. 249: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    i still have a hard time receiving on dates that cost a lot of money…like skiing…i have gone on 3 ski dates and a ticket is about 70$ each plus food plus the men come pick me up from my house…that’s a lot of money and inside i cringe a little but then i think…hey…I am ALL THAT or the PIE and just feel happy inside and just GO WITH IT…yay :) baby steps

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:36am

  250. 250: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW #251:

    Thank you, yes I agree. I sent him something similar that day…He called several times, I didn’t answer because I was not ready to talk to him…I felt too turned off :(

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:39am

  251. 251: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ladybird!

    Actually last week I went away for a few days to visit a friend. He seemed a little more “present” when I returned, but sex & intimacy is still absent. I’ve stopped initiating because it hurts too much. Cuddles are back though, so maybe he’s just taking his time….

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:43am

  252. 252: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    yesterday i was studying for a test i have this weekend and hotpilot guy (he’s moving up quickly to #1 CD lol) i know we are supposed to treat them the same…but…i cant help it…lol…pipeliner is longdistance so what’s a girl to do??? ;)

    anywho…so I was studying and hotpilot called me from his “overnight” location and we were just joking and laughing and he said…

    HIM: well…sorry to interrupt your studying..
    ME: oh it’s ok…i feel happy talking to you
    HIM: pause…ok that’s good

    i could actually feel the instant connection!! being open and expressing…he couldn’t help but be drawn in!!! and then again he mentioned getting together on Monday…he’s totally stepping up :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:44am

  253. 253: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    87: Alonka – I’m not sure why you do not give out your number. If it’s safety, consider getting an alias phone number through Google Voice. It takes calls and directs them to whatever number you tell it to, and you can feel safe that you are not giving out your private home or mobile phone number to someone you might not trust just yet. It can even send you texts of voicemails you’ve received to alert you if you could not answer. The text translations are often humorous though depending on how clearly the person talks leaving the voicemail. It’s been a cool tool I use for men I’m just not sure about…and it’s free!

    That way, you can be lean back and they can call you…and there will be less of that wondering if you called at the wrong time or should not have called…etc.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:44am

  254. 254: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly #256:

    Wow, I admire your progress :)

    I want to tap and heal on feeling bad as in owing a man anything besides thanks for treating me well or giving me something…

    Truth is, CD is the way to really practice that…I feel glad that my mood to go out on dates has gone up :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:45am

  255. 255: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @229: Darling Ella

    You might also like to hear the original artist. I was never a Sam Cooke fan but it’s a powerful song from the 1960′s and the lyrics are of that time.

    Sam Cooke – “A Change Is Gonna Come”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48K5Y0421Ig&feature=related

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:47am

  256. 256: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    That is some very valuable information about Google Voice! Thank you for sharing that!!

    Much love

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:49am

  257. 257: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((mel))))

    yes…focus on you as much as possible..i’m glad ladybird loaned your oars out ;)
    do you have RECONNECT? this is a great program..seems relevant?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:51am

  258. 258: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, you are smokin’ hot girl!! Once I start CDing, I’ll be back for some tips! I’m happy to hear things are going well for you.

    Mel, is your husband happy at work? I think you said he changed jobs? Sometimes when guys get stressed at work it takes a toll on the home life. I know after a stressful day my ex used to just want to sit on the sofa and zone out with a beer. CC also mentions that on his CD, that if they need the space after a day at work, we need to give it to them as fussing over them, pushes them away. We have all been guilty of that so you are not alone.xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:52am

  259. 259: MelNo Gravatar says:

    ” If you are leaning back but still thinking/worrying about him and the situation, he will still feel that vibe and pressure.”

    THAT is the hard part!! I like your idea of wearing a rubber band….

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:52am

  260. 260: MelNo Gravatar says:

    He likes his job, but it is stressful. He works late a lot and often a day on the weekend. I try to give him some “zone-out” time, but I need some time with him too! He’d be content to be a zombie in front of his computer all night and then I’m left feeling alone even when he IS around. While I get the need to unwind, sometimes I think he’s being a little selfish… but that’s just me venting!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:56am

  261. 261: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    DE @261 thank you! :)

    yes…CDing has worked wonders for me…even though it does feel like a job sometimes lol

    but it’s ok… cause now i don’t go on dates hoping to find “the one” or anything like that…i just go expecting to have fun :)

    i feel happy reading that your mood to go out on dates has gone up! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:57am

  262. 262: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Sister Sirens, my Modern Siren CDs arrived today so guess I have ‘homework’ to do this weekend.

    Kind of psyched about it as hoping to try out some tools when I’m doing a race on Sunday (plenty of fit men around I hope) and going into the office twice next week so plenty of professional men around at my convenience.

    Have learned so much from all of you too so approaching my interaction with men in a totally new way from now on!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:58am

  263. 263: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 256 Jilly I would reinforce “I am worthy” if I were you, and look at my beliefs around money. It is just trees made into paper so it does fall off trees. My dad gave up taking my mother out years ago because she used to complain saying “it is too expensive”. She later wished she had not done it. If you don’t think you are worth it, why would they.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:00am

  264. 264: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie

    That’s good you remember him and keeping your focus on you:) Your date sounds like a great exercise!

    I think they often make you feel like ‘you can do nothing wrong’ on the first 1-2 dates. or longer. They’re just plain happy you said yes to a date. And then they start picking up on the vibe. Sounds like you were doing really well in that respect too.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:01am

  265. 265: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Ladybird…awwww thanks!! :) i felt so happy reading #265

    are you new to the blog? :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:04am

  266. 266: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @246: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I’m thinking of saying that i feel uncomfortable with the stuff I feel uncomfortable with but that I would still be willing to go have lunch…”

    I learn a lot from you guys, er uh, sirens. Lots. All the while only having to cry over my own stuff.

    Well…IMHO, if I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to meet him, I’d say so and not meet him. BUT, big but, if I did want to meet him (hey, why not? you never know…) I wouldn’t go into blaming mode and cast a pall on an upcoming date; I’d express whatever genuine pleasure I felt.

    I’d meet the guy, get to know him and THEN express any other stuff if it was important at that time…maybe it won’t be. The guy had a life before he found you on the dating site… so let’s see what’s happening with you and him in the present.

    Seems you are also having a fab time “Me Dee-ing” too. The play sounds like fun, fun, fun.

    Hmmm, will there be cherry pie for lunch? :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:05am

  267. 267: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    More on Google Voice:

    “Welcome to Google Voice. Google Voice gives you a single phone number that rings all of your phones, saves your voicemail online, and transcribes your voicemail to text. Other cool features include the ability to listen in on messages while they’re being left, block unwanted callers, and make cheap international calls. We hope you enjoy using Google Voice.”

    As I review my Inbox of old messages, I see that you can get text messages there also. I’m going to start using this more often!!!

    https://www.google.com/accounts/ServiceLogin?service=grandcentral&continue=https://www.google.com/voice/&followup=https://www.google.com/voice/&ltmpl=open

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:06am

  268. 268: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    yay!! ladybird…i love modern siren especially DVD#1 and DVD#4….totally awesome :) good luck on your race!!

    FW: YES YES YES…i definitely have issues with men and money…started from my dad!! and i know this…if my dad spent money on me i felt i owed him something or i was in debt somehow even if we just went out to eat or he took me somewhere…

    and i feel a blockage on how much money i can make too..

    the men in my life have been transforming though and i’d like to share :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:09am

  269. 269: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl! Hi! I miss you! Say hi to me!!!

    How goes it with the Cowboy with the Cowboy??? Any other news????

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:09am

  270. 270: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @256: Jilly says:

    In my case, “I am ALL THAT plus THE PIE”… :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:15am

  271. 271: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    k…so i didn’t really realize i had money issues with men until i was 24…i started dating a guy who was 35 and i just assumed he would pay for our dates and things like that…

    well he had been in a relationship previously where everything was 50/50…so i was in for a big surprise!! we ended up dating for 3 years and i learned A LOT about what i want and don’t want!! and what i don’t need to feel guilty about!! :)

    since then the men have evolved to paying for my gas if i come see them…paying for all the dates…sending me flowers…and it just gets better and better…

    now i have men offering to fly me places!!???? oh my goodness!!! even my dad!!! my dad called in December and offered to buy my plane ticket to hawaii if i wanted to go….i was like…ARE YOU SERIOUS??? IS THIS REALLY MY DAD???

    so there is definitely some shifting going on

    thanks FW for bringing that to my attention again!! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:16am

  272. 272: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @260: Boomer says:

    …87: Alonka – I’m not sure why you do not give out your number. If it’s safety, consider getting an alias phone number through Google Voice…”

    Excellent idea! Perfect for CD! I learn something new every day.

    Thanks, Boomer.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:19am

  273. 273: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV… i love it! @277!

    and i agree..at this point if i didn’t want to go meet a guy…i wouldn’t force myself.

    “Well…IMHO, if I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to meet him, I’d say so and not meet him. BUT, big but, if I did want to meet him (hey, why not? you never know…) I wouldn’t go into blaming mode and cast a pall on an upcoming date; I’d express whatever genuine pleasure I felt.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:22am

  274. 274: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle I thought of you when I read this. It is from another coach.

    So when a man starts courting you; when he brings you flowers; when he takes you out to dinner, picks you up and pays for the drinks, he is doing so because he is acting based on the physical attraction.

    It is a typical courtship process also existing in the entire animal world.

    The trick is that a male who is courting a female based on purely physical motivators is not necessarily interested in building a nest with her.

    This is where the second part of the attraction – the emotional attraction comes to play.

    A man must find you interesting beyond the physical attraction in order for him to want to have a relationship with you!

    When you channel the physical attraction a man has for you to create the emotional attraction on the foundation of the physical attraction, this is where you become the subject of a man’s emotional attraction.

    The emotional attraction makes a man want to spend time with you.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:23am

  275. 275: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka…did you send a message to craig yet? if so what did you say? i feel curious :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:23am

  276. 276: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    All I can say is…”WOW!” There is so much to this that I can’t quite wrap my brain around it all at once. I have a feeling I’ll be journalin & thinking on this for some time to come to terms with all the connotations. I remember being such a happy, ebullient, bubbly little girl. I’m not sure what happened other than my Mom becoming very religious, but I stifled that part of me l became more staid, quiet & reserved. Once my Mom found religion, she went a little overboard (in my opinion) and felt even more stifled and restricted. I remember the only way I could keep from completely rebelling and driving myself and my parents insane, was to tell myself, “you just have to go along with this until you’re 18.”

    I feel horrible saying that I never felt like I could be myself until my Mom passed away (ironically, when I was 18). My Dad had moved out of state by then and I felt like I was finally free to LIVE. Except, I had always thought I would marry and have a bunch of kids – my dream. And when I lost my Mom, I gave up on that dream. I told myself there was no point in it getting married since my Mom wouldn’t be there to hekp me plan and share in the wedding. And as for kids, what’s the point if grandma couldn’t babysit? It was a very dark time for me, yet I felt like I was finally free to be that ebullient, bubbly, carefree, happy person again.

    There’s alot more to it and much that I haven’t explored yet. Everytime I read your interpretation, I see more. When I split with my ex-fiance, it was another dark time for me – lots of stress, bills I couldn’t pay, etc. And I feel like once again, the happy, carefree girl was stifled. But I’ve been bringing her back with the help of Rori and all of you Sirens, and just really getting to know myself again and realizing that my life didn’t end. I feel like I’m getting ME and my life back again!

    So as you can see, what you say, is all very pertinent. Thnk you or helping me to see this beautiful truth. Love and hugs! Thank you so much!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:24am

  277. 277: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies!
    I have been reading Rori’s emails and coming to this blog for a while but this is the first time I have decided to post something.
    I have the ebook (as well as Christian Carter’s) and am working through it, then I will decide which of her programs I need.
    I am 37, single mom to two teenage boys. I divorced because my husband cheated on me. (It wasn’t the first time, but I had enough and made sure it was the last!) Well, you can imagine what my self esteem is like. Not to mention he was controlling and manipulative (all things I really opened my eyes to AFTER we separated). Anyway, I didn’t really date for a while. I went out with guys and ultimately most of them turned into sexual encounters and I became the “booty call” or go to girl. My mind was a mess back then and eventually I came to my senses and just decided to stay alone for a while. During that time, I went out with the girls one night and ran into a guy I went to high school with. I wasn’t really sure about him but went out with him anyway after he called or texted me every day for a month asking. This relationship ended up lasting a year. Of course the whole time I am having doubts. I tossed them aside thinking I was letting my past undermine my future. Soon, it became clear this wasn’t going to work. We broke up, I went nuts again, all the negative thoughts came rushing back .. I am not worthy, will be single forever, nobody wants me, blah blah blah. Fast forward, 6 months later, I am back on track. Signed up on match.com, met a few guys off there. Most of them we went on one date and I never heard back from. Again, my thoughts were what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a guy? Then I met a guy we will call Tim. We corresponded a few times over email and it was great. We exchanged witty humorous emails and I was really “in like” with him. We have a lot in common, so much it was unbelievable. I finally met him one night for coffee. The connection was unbelievable! I really felt comfortable with him, like we had known each other our whole lives! Played it cool though and ended the date. This was a weeknight and he asked was I free that weekend. I told him Friday but not Saturday (see I knew this before I found Rori LOL). So we went out again. Anyway, after a few dates, I was really liking him. He said he felt the same way. Like there was a connection. Often times we would be thinking the exact same thing. 6 weeks into it, we made it sexual. I was proud of myself for waiting and thought the fact he did meant something. After that, all of a sudden, things changed. The contact slowed down, no more witty email exchanges, no texts, etc. Now we would still meet for dinner during the week sometimes and I went over to his place a couple times and we had sex. When Tim knows I am coming the next day, he is excited and seems like he can’t wait. When we are together it is awesome. He is attentive and excited and makes me feel wanted. It is just the in between moments. I hardly hear from him. He says he is busy with work. He runs his own business and has to go out of town a lot. When I was there a couple weeks ago, he said the out of town stuff was over and he would have “our” weekends free for a while. (Our weekends being the weekends neither of us has our kids). So this weekend should be the next “our weekend”.
    Getty antsy about how the contact has lowered, I started getting worried and wanted to have a talk with him. So after not hearing from him all weekend, I sent him a text Monday morning, saying I hoped he had a good weekend. He text back saying it was busy with kids, etc..so I replied, if you have a free night this week, can we get together to talk?. He responds that he would love to but he has to go out of state, was on his way and wouldn’t be back until Sunday night. This floored me, because 1. He told me the out of town stuff was over for a while and 2. he didn’t even mention to me and 3. when was he planning on seeing me? So I got mad and sent a text saying never mind, you just gave me the answers I need. He said he was confused and asked was everything ok. I replied that I didn’t want to get into it over text but had no choice. Then told him (using feeling messages, have gotten that far in the ebook!) I feel like you are either too busy for me or just not interested like you were or maybe a combo of both. This just seems too casual for me. His response was yes we definitely need to talk about this in person , maybe over lunch monday or tuesday. I said we’ll see, just let me know when you aren’t busy. I haven’t heard from him since. Not a peep all week, not even a text. So now my mind is going all sorts of ways, but I am trying to stay strong and NOT TEXT OR CALL OR EMAIL him.
    So any advice would be welcome. Also I have some questions on my mind .. feel free to pitch in your thoughts.
    1. Do you think he is seeing somebody else? I really do feel like the ‘other woman’ sometimes.
    2. Did I screw up by sending that text?
    3. Should I respond if he does text me back? ANd if so, how long should I wait?

    Like I said, I am still reading the ebook and will order a program when I figure out which is best for me.
    PS…sorry this is so long…lots on my mind I needed to get out!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:24am

  278. 278: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, yes I’m a newbie, joined last week after finishing a relationship with a man who just didn’t step up. I got Rori’s eBook and used feeling messages etc but after reading so much stuff on here just felt he wasn’t the man for me, so I let go and feel it was the right decision.

    Mel, have you read the other posts on here? There are so many of them and in the last few weeks I read through stuff that related to my situation so hope you can find previous info that can help you.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:25am

  279. 279: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    for some reason i don’t feel worried giving out my phone numer…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:26am

  280. 280: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    “number” :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:26am

  281. 281: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    281:

    I find this interesting and wonder how one does that, particularily when they come on so strong physically….

    “When you channel the physical attraction a man has for you to create the emotional attraction on the foundation of the physical attraction, this is where you become the subject of a man’s emotional attraction”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:28am

  282. 282: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @PG
    @280: Jilly says:
    SLV… i love it! @277!
    “…and i agree..at this point if i didn’t want to go meet a guy…i wouldn’t force myself…”

    I’d go unless I was repulsed. But if I went, I would go with the mindset of giving the guy a chance not making him sorry he’d asked me.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:30am

  283. 283: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka,

    It was definitely good practice. I was so iffy and felt weird about CD’ing but now I’m really intrigued.

    I first started my endeavors on the dating sites I tried out in January. I guess my intuition knew K was a piece of toxic trash. I talked to A for the first time in the end of Jan, he initiated. We talked online in spurts, quite a bit on and then off for a while. The first time he asked me to meet up I turned him down because I was so mentally and emotionally drained from K hurting me. We were talking quite a bit the past few days with my new mindset being much help. I was wondering, waiting when he’d try to ask again, and I let him do it all on his own. :)

    I feel like you’re right… Seemed to be the case with P. Ha, I feel another song coming on… It’s a good one.

    Where to keep the focus??
    Me me me me
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ5FdOjUikk

    How is your online dating going??

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:33am

  284. 284: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I’m definitely learning a lot from other posters and trying to apply things that “fit.” It’s a big help to have the feeling that I’m not alone, weird or stupid for going through this! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:34am

  285. 285: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Carolinagirl, you’ve come to the right place for support.

    What makes you think he may be seeing someone else? But be careful of thinking this as we women are guilty of jumping to this idea if our man is not paying US attention.

    You’ve sent the text so you can’t change that now but I would respond once he gets in touch.

    But in the meantime, to keep yourself sane, please focus on yourself and shift the vibe of thinking/worrying about the situation and him to taking care of you! xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:48am

  286. 286: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    I know this is way far down in the post, and I haven’t read all the other responses yet, but I have to tell you my experience around this stuff. I was not all that attracted to my ex-fiance. And I told myself it was because he’s a “nice guy” and I have commitment-phobia, so I stuck with it. When he asked me, after 2 1/2 years, what size ring I wear, I started hyper-ventilating. We were walking and I had to stop. I thought I would pass out. I continued in the belief that I was resisyant because of commitment-phobia. One of my friends told me that my reaction was a sign that he wasn’t “the one.” Yet I stayed with him (with no wedding plans) for another 2 1/2 years. He ended up having a long-term fling with a girl he worked with – while we were still engaged and living together – and I suspect the litttle girl she has is his. Although he’s married now and has a baby, I know he was still talking to the “other woman” for years afterward. So yeah, he was a nice guy, maybe. But I’m not sure he can be faithful to one woman and that’s just not my cup of tea.

    About 6 months later I met another “nice” guy I didn’t feel it for. But he treated me really well, so I told myself again – it’s the commitment-phobia. I ended up feeling completely smothered by him and told him after a few months that I wanted to take a break from the relationship. I’m not going to go into detail here, because I don’t think it’s necessary. Suffice it to say, one of my guy friends – who was a strapping 6’4″ ex-bounty hunter later told me that he had gone to the ex and told him to back off. That’s when he finally left me alone.

    So I don’t want to negate what Rori is saying here, I know lots of us aren’t into “nice guys.” But I’m going with, “listen to your instincts” on this one. Try to not worry about what your hang ups might be around nice guys and go to your deeper feelings around this guy. Keep logic out of it and go with your feelings.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:49am

  287. 287: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Subject: Wasp Spray

    I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about…—

    If you don’t have a gun, here’s a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn’t. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.

    Wasp Spray- A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.

    The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn’t attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

    On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

    Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he’s suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.

    Glinka says, “This is better than anything I can teach them.”

    Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says “spray the culprit in the eyes”. It’s a tip he’s given to students for decades.

    It’s also one he wants everyone to hear. If you’re looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. “That’s going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out.” Maybe even save a life.

    Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:52am

  288. 288: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly read this from another coach.
    Featured Topic: An Unequal Relationship

    The idea of a relationship being based on equality is often puzzling and frustrating to men. Men think of equals as individuals or entities that they compete against. In this regard, a woman is correct to want to be treated as an equal in the workforce. But in a relationship, men don’t need or want to complete with a woman (after all, they have their career, sports and guy friends for that).

    These facts leave us with this assessment – what men don’t get from all their pursuits and accomplishments is someone that can awaken their feelings. They don’t want an equal. They want someone who is a complement. A complementary relationships is defined as having two separate and different partners that enhance each other.

    Here’s an example that I hear often. Women frequently ask me, “Should I pay for dinner since he pays so often?” What they are implying is that it doesn’t seem fair that he has to pay all the time. Yet, men don’t care about what is fair as much as you think. What the man paying for dinner is really concerned about is this: Will this make her happy? Does she seem to be having a good time?

    The thought of “when’s she gonna pay?” doesn’t even enter his mind. He’s not concerned with fair. He only wants to impress her. If he does impress her then he’ll say to himself, “Yep, I’m the man. She’s having a great time because I am a stud.” Yes, guys really do think like that.

    In fact, in a wonderful relationship, a woman should feel somewhat indebted to a man. Yes, that means that he should be giving more than she does. If you’re uncomfortable with that arraignment, then you can opt for the equal relationship. The only problem is that it’s terribly boring. It is sort of like going to a high school dance with your cousin – safe but not very appealing. A passionate relationship means you allow him to be a man and you are the woman. It’s not subservient. In fact, it’s quite empowering for a woman.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:54am

  289. 289: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, you are not alone, stupid, weird for feeling like this. I thought I was the only crazy chick out there going outta my mind trying to figure my man out ’till I found this site.
    Some of the other posts highlighted the issues in my relationship that made me realise I had to end it. Luckily it was a long distance relationship so I hadn’t invested too much 1:1 time and don’t have to see him everyday!
    Your situation is very different but sure you will find the tools on here to reconnect with your hubby. xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:55am

  290. 290: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @294: Brenda says:
    “Subject: Wasp Spray”

    Where do I get this? Home Depot?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:00am

  291. 291: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I love this.

    And here’s the best part: When you’re happy – and your happiness is NOT contingent upon someone having to change to make you happy – you instantly become a more desirable person to your husband.

    Do you know why?

    It’s because a husband is instinctively attracted to a wife who is happy with herself. It conveys to him the idea that she likes herself. She radiates confidence, and that is extremely attractive to him. It makes him feel safe enough to give to her – without fearing that she will become needy, clingy or demanding. It takes the pressure off him because she doesn’t hold him responsible for her happiness, but is happy in and of herself. It also conveys to a husband that she is easily pleased, and motivates him to please her.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:04am

  292. 292: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Bob Grant

    To be able to understand what a husband truly wants from his wife, we need to identify his primary need – and that is the need for POWER. Men crave power above all things. Power is critical to a man because it defines not only how others view him, but how he views himself. He derives power through his accomplishments, his persuasiveness, his ability to get things done – and through the wife he is married to.

    You become the woman of his dreams in his eyes to the extent that you make him feel POWERFUL. The need for power goes hand-in-hand with the need for RESPECT.

    There are things wives do that either make their husbands feel powerful, strong and respected – and things they do that make their husbands feel disempowered, weak and impotent.

    When you take pride in your appearance, you raise his self-esteem and make him feel powerful because he considers you a reflection of himself. No, it’s not just a question of simply putting on more makeup or losing weight but being comfortable and confident in your own skin.

    Your husband is dependent upon how YOU view yourself. If you don’t think you’re beautiful or adorable, then he isn’t likely to think so either. Neither can he show any more passion for you than you believe you deserve.
    When you neglect your appearance, you hurt your husband because one of the things that makes him feel powerful is knowing that he married an “expensive” wife. By “expensive” wife, I don’t mean someone who spends a lot of money, but rather someone who regards herself as someone of great value.

    When you take the time and effort to prioritize the things that bring YOU joy, you elevate your attractiveness and desirability to your husband because it conveys to him that you place a high value on yourself. Conversely, if you can’t connect with your inner joy, you’re not going to regard yourself highly, or even consider yourself beautiful. Even if your husband tells you all day long that you’re pretty, it won’t help much because at your deepest core, you’re not going to believe him.

    This, then, disempowers him and he’s NOT likely to see you as the woman of his dreams.

    So why should you CARE that your husband see you as the woman of his dreams? Because when he does, he will treat you like his most prized object of desire – worthy of his adoration, devotion and loyalty – and motivate him to give you everything you ask of him.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:07am

  293. 293: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    Ladybird,
    Thanks! I knew I had found a good place. I have been reading over the posts and it is really nice to know I am not alone!
    I just sometimes feel that he is not really working, just seems weird to me that somebody can be so busy they can’t even send a text?? But of course I have been lied to and done wrong so much, it’s hard to trust anybody. You are right though, we do assume this when we aren’t getting paid attention. Also, a part of me thinks not to worry about it. I know I need to circular date-that is one thing about this I have a problem with, but the one thing I believe would help if that makes any sense-so that it doesn’t bother me so much if he is. It’s just that we had the talk before we had sex that once that happens, we wouldn’t see anybody else. I believe in monogamy and feel that dating somebody else would be unfair because I know it can’t go anywhere as long as I am having sex with Tim.
    The thing about me sending the text is I wonder if I seemed desperate/needy. I have tried so hard this time to not come off that way.
    I am really really trying to not think about it and worry about me. This weekend I have no kids and it is going to be a quiet night tonight so I do not know what will happen. I have plans tomorrow night, but tonight I just hope I can throw myself into cleaning or something to keep my mind off of it!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:08am

  294. 294: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Given a choice, would you prefer a man who is moody, or a man who is boring? I agree, “Neither” would be the best answer. But, what would you consider to be the “lesser of two evils,” so to speak?

    Whenever a woman selects a man, he will usually fall into dual categories. He is predominantly dependable (emotionally), and at times boring, or he is predominantly emotionally exciting, which means at times he will also be prone to bouts of moodiness. What I have found in my experience with a number of women I have counseled (both past and presently) is that those that date a man who is exciting and full of passion, tend to end up discouraged and upset when that same man eventually appears to loose interest in them. I frequently hear from these women some form of the same basic script… “What happened to the man who was full of passion? I want that man back. This man is so distant and moody. Why can’t things be the way they were?” Those of you that have experienced this know exactly what I am referring to.

    My response is – “he is BOTH of those men.” Rare, and I mean rare, is the man who is full of passion, and does not also experience periods of moodiness. In addition, I didn’t mention this, the man who is moody can sometimes be mean and indifferent. Having a man feel intensely about you and then act indifferent toward you for no reason can be devastating.

    The good news is that it doesn’t matter which type you pick, because you date and even marry either type. The one mistake you cannot make is to date and/or marry a moody man and they just expect him to become steady.He won’t change any more than the color of your car will change color just by getting older. Passionate men can be tamed by a woman who knows the secrets of putting her heart first. For those women understand that what a man needs is often different than what he says he needs.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:10am

  295. 295: MelNo Gravatar says:

    It’s funny because no one really talks about the fact that sometimes it is the man that’s not into sex and has a “headache.” Men are “supposed” to want it all the time. So I think “is there something wrong with me?”

    No one told me that being too helpful is a turn off. When we see our men stressed out and withdrawing, we think… maybe if i just did a little more for him, he wouldn’t be so stressed and he’d have more energy for the relationship… But it just makes them feel smothered and apathetic. Why should they put in any effort if we’re doing it all?!

    I’m learning a lot but having to completely shift my way of thinking. It’s hard to break old habits. Doing things for myself makes me feel a little selfish. Standing up for myself and my boundaries is hard when I’m used to always making things better and keeping the peace.

    I had no idea men were so complicated! Sometimes this feels a bit like a game… but maybe it’s just because it’s new to me.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:10am

  296. 296: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    SLV: you are hilarious!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:13am

  297. 297: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have heard this advice over and over again.

    Treat every guy the same.

    Be nice to the ugly guy and the overweight one. Listen to the one who you think is boring and
    bald. Oh I know, he might just ask you out, but that is a problem you want to have. You see there is
    no magic formula for only attracting the man you want. There is only the magic that attracts men.
    Those you want and those you don’t. You’ll end up turning down most of these invitations but
    something inside of you will begin to change.

    Practice treating all men the same, and I promise that the man/men you like will notice that you
    seem to have a content beauty that makes you stand out across a crowded room, even if you’re just
    wearing flip flops with your hair in a ponytail.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:14am

  298. 298: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    293 Sweetpea :) Thanks for the insight and for sharing your story. I think the general consensus here seems to be “trust my gut,” circular date like a madwoman, and don’t be so hard on myself for not taking to this “nice guy.”

    He has actually backed off a bit–I am scheduled tightly right now with children and work–and has not called or texted in about 24 hours.

    My intuition is usually VERY good. My past issues have to do with not listening to my intuition when it was loud and clear. I suspect I will continue to “keep him in the rotation,” and not make any huge pronouncements about my intentions unless or until I feel firmly that he needs to go.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:17am

  299. 299: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – I apologize for taking so long to get back here, but I’m moving again, and I was gone all day yesterday. We drove almost four hours in horrendous weather to go to hear beautiful music. Heaven.

    I was just skimming while taking a moving break and saw your question.

    “you said skincare is a sideline now. What is your main career or activity? ”

    I don’t mind answering at all. I coach women much like Rori does. Our styles are different but our theories are much the same though I tend to emphasize the mind/body stuff more, and I specialize in sexuality as it relates to the heart though I coach sex stuff directly too.

    And I write A LOT. Mostly for my site but also for others as a ghost writer.
    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:18am

  300. 300: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Carolinagrl: I can understand completely where you are coming from. Now to get through this weekend, here is my advise cos I have been there. Plan lots of nice things you like to do/go. Pamper yourself, take a bubble bath, file and paint your nails, try to meet up with friends as other people are a great distraction. Come on here and chat as others will have plenty of good avise and help make you feel strong through this. Have a CAROLINAGRL weekend and shift the vibe. I also find music so helpful, stuff that uplifts me.
    I used to feel the same about my ex, what does it take to send a tex/make a call but that’s his business and if he wants to he will in his own time. Don’t try to analyse it, just make a pact with yourself to focus on you cos you’re worth it!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:21am

  301. 301: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    lilybelle I understand words can build the emotional attraction and sexual tension. I also understand that the brain is the most sexual organ. People tend not to want to talk about sex but I understand that guys find women who do very attractive. I have talked about it related to my health and wanting to make sure I am not sharing sexual stuff with a lot of other people. I want to know the guy shares my values around sex. If he is pushing for it he should be willing to talk about how it works for him. How long he is willing to wait, how he is willing to show me my emotions are safe with him before I give in to that.

    Link the physical with the emotional in playful banter as in “I like to be on top”. Use words to get him thinking about you and him in bedroom. Some coaches refer to it as seducing his mind. Will search to see if I have anything.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:23am

  302. 302: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, this is a huge learning curve for us and as we are changing HABITS, that takes time. But the good thing is that we can change! This site will also lift your self-esteem and that can only be good, right?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:24am

  303. 303: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    A guy asked me on a date. He basically warned me not to be one of those girls who just eat salads. I coyly told him I don’t know what I’m ordering until I get to the restaurant.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:26am

  304. 304: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for that femininewoman! Great advice!

    At any rate putting myself first will help me to feel better and happier.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:27am

  305. 305: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Bob Grant

    Did You Know:

    One of the biggest secrets that most women don’t understand is that a man who has difficulty with commitment is also a man that is afraid of being abandoned.

    Featured Topic: Why Does He Pull Away?

    Often in the beginning stages of a relationship, there is an intensity of feelings where both partners feel exhilarated.
    The man is smitten and can’t seem to get enough of the woman. He calls often and professes his love for her. He is constantly pressing to know more and more about her. For a woman, this is not only flattering, but also emotionally orgasmic. To have a man so consumed with her makes her feel complete.

    And then it happens; as the weeks or months go by, she notices that his attention seems to wane. He calls, but not as often. For some reason, he isn’t as emotive with his feelings as he was just a few weeks ago. Apparently, she is doing something wrong, right?

    If you’ve ever experienced this phenomenon, then let me explain the reasons for this scenario. When men feel emotions, they tend to feel them intensely and in short bursts. During the first few days/weeks/
    or even months, it is quite common for a man to feel intensely when he is in a new relationship.

    However, what men unwittingly do is give women the impression that they will feel and act intensely passionate indefinitely. In fact, they often believe that those intense feelings will last indefinitely. Many men are puzzled and discouraged when they wake up and those intense feelings aren’t there every waking moment. They say to themselves, “Something must be wrong if I don’t feel as strongly as I used to.” It is at this point that many men end a relationship that easily could have developed into something that lasted a lifetime. What can you do to help a man avoid “losing interest?” To begin with, cultivate the understanding that a man will pull away at times in a relationship. Often women don’t think this situation applies to them. They often say that they know this can occur, but then they become scared and insecure when it actually happens. Quite frequently simply knowing this information isn’t enough, and women need insights and strategies that transform their fears into feelings of confidence.

    What a man finds more appealing than you can imagine isn’t someone who never gets nervous or emotional. What men find incredibly attractive is a woman who is confident enough to show her vulnerability and is able to prevent those feelings from overwhelming her. If you don’t know how to do this, then you can acquire this and other powerful skills.

    There is another aspect that women have complete control over. Often a woman appears overly accommodating by demonstrating the following types of behavior: allowing the relationship to progress too fast, giving more than she is receiving and/or tolerating poor behavior. If a woman acts in one of these ways, a man’s passion will always go away. Always. In fact, these are some of the primary reasons that lead to breakups and they must be addressed if a relationship can be saved.

    If you think that giving is the way to keep a man, then you’re actually making it more likely that he’ll become bored with you. To maintain passion you must always retain some mystery, even in a marriage. I know that may sound hard to do,
    but if you’re willing to learn how to put your heart first, you will have great results. Following these guidelines will allow you to experience the same joy and satisfaction women who know this secret are enjoying.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:29am

  306. 306: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea:

    “I feel horrible saying that I never felt like I could be myself until my Mom passed away.”

    Wow! I know this feeling so well. And I hope you forgive yourself about those feelings if you have not already.

    I was older when my parents passed away – in my mid-thirties – but yes, I too felt like I could finally be myself after an entire life of trying to make them happy (and not feeling like I was succeeding) following a conservative and “normal” path: college, job, Catholic marriage, children (LOTS of children).

    I took care of a lot of their healthcare and business while they were ill and dying, in addition to working full-time, raising four kids, and trying to escape an abusive and chronically depressed second husband too…so I can’t blame my folks entirely.

    But after my father died, I kicked the husband to the curb, quit my stifling corporate job, allowed joint custody of my older kids with their dad, and started my freelance writing and personal chef career. It was so freeing. I’m back in corporate land for practical reasons, but I became who I was always meant to be during those few years after their deaths.

    They were my parents and I loved them (and very much forgive them), but they failed to see me as a real person and not just an extension of them, I think…I strive to be a much different parent to my four kids: more open, more accepting, more willing to let them fail (or fly!) without much comment and lots of support.

    That Shinedown song (Second Chance) always makes me feel better about my relief at finally being free of my upbringing:

    “Tell my mother tell my father I’m not angry…I’m just sayin’ sometimes goodbye means a second chance.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:31am

  307. 307: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RER 311 Mel says “At any rate putting myself first will help me to feel better and happier.”

    Emotions are contagious so if you feel better and happier my experience is that those around you cannot help but feel the same way.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:32am

  308. 308: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 310 kaitlyn I understand from another coach that is a mistake many girls make and it turns guys off.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:33am

  309. 309: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling so sad!

    After a long week… struggling… trying SO hard, I feel defeated.

    Just got a call from hubby. Of course he’s working late again, but he’s also decided he needs to go out and have some fun (of course without me). Other girls from work, yes… but not me. I haven’t seen him much all week, and again he’s choosing to leave me out.

    It hurts.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:38am

  310. 310: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    I am so addicted to this blog now! Is there a chat room or do we just chat on here?

    Thanks Ladybird!
    I am determined to have a great weekend and not think of him or wonder why he isn’t contacting me!
    If I get too bad and want to text him, I will just jump on here and type away! So forgive me in advance for any babbling I may do!! LOL

    I am so much an overthinker and I analyze EVERYTHING! Have to learn to turn those thoughts into new ones. Baby steps, but I will make it.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:38am

  311. 311: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    FW @ 312: thanks for that!

    Kaitlyn: that’s so funny he ‘warned’ you what not to eat. What if you do want to eat salad? Let us know what you order!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:40am

  312. 312: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @303: Ladybird says:
    “…SLV: you are hilarious!!…”

    I don’t know why you are laughing at me. Could you share?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:40am

  313. 313: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    318 Ladybird

    I usually order the salad. Yep. I’m that girl. They can go suck it. It’s about spending time together- not what’s on the plate.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:43am

  314. 314: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 316 Mel I would plan something to do then call him back and say “have fun” I am going bowling, rolling blading or whatever with …….”.
    It hurts yes, notice the feeling, acknowledge them but go do something good for yourself to lift your vibe. I hope he will be shocked with you telling him “have fun”. If so he will not be able to get you out of his head all night. Hopefully you will have fun and have something to share with him later that will cause some internal emotional response that he can’t explain but just know it is there so next time he will have an internal reference for himself that will cause him to rethink. Don’t do what you have always done in such circumstances set an intention to get a different result by doing something different.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:44am

  315. 315: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 320 kaitlyn

    I agree but it will help you to identify that you can affect him in some way by the choices you make. It will also allow yourself to be influenced, that is very important in relationships. If you can’t be influenced it is something you will learn about yourself. It will allow you to notice if you can be lead and if you are willing to allow a guy to lead. If you are, then guess what, is that feminine or what?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:46am

  316. 316: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, you are not defeated….. you are doing great and I understand completly why you feel hurt and sad. I’m sending you a big warm ladybird hug right now. Can you call a friend or friends to go out with or come over to you tonight?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:47am

  317. 317: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder if I have turned off some dates by ordering the big, beefy buttsteak on many an occasion! I am not shy about food or about their spending money to get me what i want to eat. Perhaps I’ll ask what he’s ordering and try not to outspend him by much, but I go for it! I basically get what I would get if I were out with friends or out by myself. And then maybe add a little extra because I can :)

    My ex-husband said, when were dating, that a girl with a big appetite for food has other big appetites as well, and that that’s a very good sign! She’s not the type to worry about her hair getting messed up in the sack…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:47am

  318. 318: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I really want to just go out and have a good time too, but he’s got the car and I’m stuck at home in our tiny isolated town. I SO do not want to sit at home and feel miserable and wallow, but I’m pulling out my hair because I can’t even do something that would make me feel better. AAAHH!!!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:49am

  319. 319: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    322 FW

    I love being lead by men, but yeah, I know what you mean. I remember mostly letting Adam lead. He enjoyed planning the dates and the movies he chose became interesting to me because they were a part of him he shared with me.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:50am

  320. 320: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 320 kaitlyn it could also allow you check on how you feel about being worthy and play with him. If he is not open to paying for salads is he open to paying for expensive meals. I would really spend time looking at the expensive options and making comments to see the look on his face or the vibe he gives off. I believe you have a wide open opportunity to really pay attention to yourself and see how much power you really have with men.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:50am

  321. 321: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 324 Boomer that is great advice and reframe. I have to watch myself because when I get comfortable I will eat like a bird. Will remember that it can send the wrong message. Thanks for that.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:51am

  322. 322: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, the wasp spray comment.

    FW, great advice to Mel!

    Carolinagrl: you go girl. And take FWs advice for Mel too. How great will it be when he calls you and you tell him how busy you’ve been having fun……(without him)?

    Sirens, I have to love you and leave you as I’m picking up two friends to go to the cinema. I’ll check in later or tomorrow…… xx

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:52am

  323. 323: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 325 Mel do you have kids? Do they have Wii? I have fun doing the dances with my kids and the games.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:52am

  324. 324: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel no scented candles, wine or bath salts? Maybe run a hot bath, change the sheets and pamper yourself with scents etc.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:54am

  325. 325: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting observation…my best friend is a guy. His personality is quite extroverted, alfa male. We’ve been best friends for 9 years. I’ve had him in my life longer than anyone I know. An ex once noticed, “You let him has his way a lot. Why don’t I get that, too?” He was right. I do let my best friend lead a lot. Mostly it doesn’t feel like leading because we have the same taste and values, but sometimes when he wants to be right, I notice I just lean back and let him be right. Hence our 9 successful years, I suppose.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:55am

  326. 326: MelNo Gravatar says:

    No, no kids. I feel so stuck. I hate feeling this way. :(

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:56am

  327. 327: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Mel,

    Get the Fresh Linen Spray from Restoration Hardware. Life changing. I spray it randomly in any room.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:02am

  328. 328: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    And Urban Outfitters has the best scented candles.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:02am

  329. 329: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    “She’s not the type to worry about her hair getting messed up in the sack…”

    Definitely never been worried about that. Lolz

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:04am

  330. 330: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 332 kaitlyn Having his way can mean IMHO that you do not set boundaries. It might not necessarily mean leading in the other person’s mind.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:06am

  331. 331: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @308: Femininewoman says:
    “…Some coaches refer to it as seducing his mind. Will search to see if I have anything…”

    Yes, I am interested in building emotional attraction past physical attraction and also being on same page with my “sweetie.”

    BTW, I’m a little nervous to post on blog right now as apparently I am now in confrontation with Ladybird. I’ve never even posted anything to her. Have I? I don’t remember it. Geez!

    For the record, I am very sincere in anything I share with the sirens on the blog, or the public in general for that matter. I am NOT “hilarious.” Gee that feels so “ick” to read. I could say more but I don’t want to get into a name-calling match.

    Some days it’s like that around here… I feel bad now but about her comment about me even thought it’s not true and her loss not to know me. I’ll feel better soon.

    I’m going to go listen to music now and perhaps I can get Ladybird to change her tune also. Maybe… or not… or just put a curse on her love life.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:08am

  332. 332: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I get the sense that he knows you are home waiting for him and it might feel like laser focus to him that could be a turn off. I understand what you say about the small town but please explore. There has got to be something you could do.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:09am

  333. 333: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    Awww…I wish I could go grab Mel and we could go out and have some fun!
    I really think this board is going to help me.
    Love the advice FW, I try to tell myself all the time..If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got!
    Lots of things are easier said than done though. Seems no matter how much I change negative into positive, it’s easier to believe the negative.
    I am so flip floppy…One minute I am strong .. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR ; the next I am weak and ready to scream. Sometimes I get tired of being strong and just want somebody to take me in their strong arms and tell me it’s going to be ok.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:10am

  334. 334: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ooooohhhh…there’s is so much i want to post on but i have to get going

    femininewoman….thank you so much for reminding me that it’s ok if the man always pays and that is actually what i want…i want to feel cherished and adored and taken care of and protected…and when a man pays this is how i feel…and so far all 3 men (having gone on multiple dates with them) are doing just that and i feel that with them…yay…wahooo!!!

    it was really hard when i was dating firefighter man and he wanted 50/50…yuck..ick…NO WAY!!! not ever again…50/50 never really happened but he used to bring it up…he made WAYYYY more than i did

    FW…i think it’s EMK who talks about the girl offering to pay and that a man appreciates it????have you read that from him?? that’s been stuck in my mind…but now i can forget about it!!!! because it doesn’t feel good to me

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:10am

  335. 335: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I doubt it. I might be wrong but I did not get that. I have found you hilarious in the past. Plus she did indicate that she was going off for a while.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:12am

  336. 336: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Re: wasp spray – I love this stuff because I am deathly afraid of wasps. I believe the kind that sprays 20 ft is called “foaming wasp spray.” I’ve experience some difficulty finding the kind that sprays so far, so be sure you read the can. If it doesn’t say it sprays “x” distance, it’s probably more like Raid.

    I once killed a black widow that was in my house above my kitchen door with foaming wasp spray. Yep – no way I was getting on a stool with a flyswatter to try to kill that mama. Great stuff and thanks for sharing, Brenda!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:12am

  337. 337: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly I have. I have also seen it from other coaches but it is way down the road when you are in an established relationship and you start “inviting” the guy out. Then you can say something like “next time we go to…………. my treat”. EMK also says whoever invites is the one who pays.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:14am

  338. 338: MelNo Gravatar says:

    You’re probably right. It’s like he thinks I’ll just be here waiting. Desperately waiting. It’s maddening really. He leaves me alone with no car in a tiny town where everything closes by 7:00 pm and then gets “turned off” that I’m at home waiting. I’m feeling more and more angry about it actually!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:14am

  339. 339: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    This post feels very interesting and timely. (Boomer, right there with ya rockstar!)

    For me this is about allowing a man to give to me even if I’m not feeling it for him. And telling him the truth, ala “I’m not really feeling interested right now” or saying no to a date when I don’t want to go out with him or whatever is the actual truth (and not candy coated for his pleasure).

    This also reminds me of Rori’s last post about a man not leaving no matter what I say. If he’s “the one” he won’t leave. So even if I tell him I’m not feeling it for him, he will ask me questions to help figure out what I need AND give it to me. Or maybe he will leave for a time until he gets his shit together and then come back. Either way, I win. ;-)

    I really am okay no matter what I say or do. I can tell myself a story about how saying XYZ or being in my masculine energy messed up my life or whatever. I say phfffttt to that. I’ve decided to experiment with everything and see what I like. The only “mistake” I’ve ever made is assuming that something which makes another happy will make ME happy. This even applies to Rori’s “rules” (even though I’ve found them to be true most of the time).

    I can do and experience whatever I want. It’s a 50/50 chance that things will work out favorably. Actually, it’s 100% chance that things will work out in whatever way they were meant to work out.

    This is really simple stuff to get and understand. My soul knows this is true.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:15am

  340. 340: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    awww….SLV….i hope i don’t push your buttons even more but i love your sense of humor too..and i’ve expressed that to you before :) i think that’s all she meant by it…i’m sure she’ll speak for herself…

    i am so glad you are on this blog

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:15am

  341. 341: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Yep – wasps and rattlesnakes make me wanna scream and run like a girl. Black widows – yes. Them too. Pretty much my only fears in the world other than being vulnerable. But I’ve recently decided it feels good to let a man take care of these little peskies for me. Right before I met TTG I decided being able and willing to kill a rattlesnake for me would be a prereq for my dating any man who likes to be out in nature. TTG can, has and will. Think I narrowed the playing field too much?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:17am

  342. 342: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Mel,

    It’s time you accompany him on a drive to work so you can have the vehicle. Or ask him to come home just long enough to give you the car so you can get out and do something…

    Otherwise, I would be doing some at home project that I enjoyed… whether a craft, or dancing or reading… something.

    you would benefit from being otherwise occupied providing your own happiness.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:18am

  343. 343: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 340 Carolinagirl

    That is fine. There is a post earlier from Rori about surrender. We all long to deeply surrender to a man. Focusing on the negative is what our brains do naturally, remember a two year old’s first word “NO”. That is the reason we work to rewire our brains by feeding it daily with what we want. And we do it with positive emotions connected to it. I look in the mirror and say to myself “I love you, you are a prize, you are worthy, I am all that”. I have now developed a habit of talking to myself.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:18am

  344. 344: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Carolinagrl: “Awww…I wish I could go grab Mel and we could go out and have some fun!”

    That would be GREAT! LOL.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:19am

  345. 345: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    FW we posted basically the same thing and i didn’t even read yours first @342..we are insync today :) i know i’m a dork sometimes…lol

    k hope i can catch up with all of you later :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:19am

  346. 346: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE dancing.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:20am

  347. 347: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I haven’t read all of the posts back to you so this may have already been asked…

    What might you say to him about these things? If you were not worried at all about his feelings, what would you say?

    Maybe try writing it here? Just as an experiment to see what words come to mind. I bet somewhere in there is a speech (aka the truth) for you to say.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:20am

  348. 348: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @329: Ladybird says:
    “…SLV, the wasp spray comment…”

    You are mistaken. I did not make a wasp spray “comment” and *I* certainly AM NOT “hilarious.”

    I am stung by your personal depiction of me and dismissal of my contribution to the Rori blog especially in light of the serious subject matter of my posts today.

    I am annoyed.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:21am

  349. 349: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    oooohhhh Boomer!!!! I’ve missed you!

    I’ve been reading and trying to keep up… I always feel like smiling when I see your beautiful face pop up…You are so rockin this stuff..

    Sigh.. cowboy.. is not real.. and yet is a saga… so I’m working on CDing myself until I no longer remember to look and see if he’s still on the back of the horse.. silent..absent….lol… I’d LOVE tips on this sirens, the CDing myself…

    I got a part in the comm theater play as a southern white trash floozy and am having fun…

    SLV… I sorta fu*ked up… WELL (in my best Bewithched/Samantha whine) he was really low energy all 3 times he called the past 2 days.. Kinda like he was expecting me to NOT go out with him..

    I said I would, then said I needed to be honest and say that I felt a little uncomfortable last week when I realized that his online pics were not recent (his recent one was not cute and when I asked him to go to the bathroom and take it he put on a cowboy hat (i like) and a down vest (I find stupid, in the br? Really? Not even the hat could help him.. Not repulsive.. but)

    Anyway, I say I felt a little “offput” cause I’m trying to be safe on the dating sites, but that I think it would still feel nice to go out to lunch or a movie…

    He gets all huffy and indignant and say’s well you’ve already made up your mind to be offended, it was nice talking to you, goodbye!
    .. WEll alrighty then….

    I feel better… I’ve been peaceful with my decision to quit dating for a while… focus on myself… do the tools to make myself focus and every single thing of good, happy, in my life alone…

    I have become VERY VERY aware that I am too sensitive to other people’s energy… esp in dating situations.. and I don’t yet know how to protect myself… How to keep myself from being pushed and pulled and swayed all over the place…

    If any of you have tips on this kind of stuff I would LOVE them… I’ve been doing the “removing the hooks” Lisi mentioned and like it a lot… I feel like my heart must look like the bottom of a fishing pond…

    Angels on your bodies..
    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:23am

  350. 350: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 355 SLV am I missing something? Do you dislike what hilarious means? I am sorry if I offended you.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:23am

  351. 351: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @342: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I doubt it. I might be wrong but I did not get that. I have found you hilarious in the past. Plus she did indicate that she was going off for a while….”

    She already went off on me. You find me hilarious too? I’m sad to hear that. I accept there might be a mistake there. But i definitely DID NOT make any comment about wasp spray so I cannot accept any fault there.

    Goodbye.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:26am

  352. 352: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly I think you are VERY much ready/able to give wise counsel here! You are a brilliant Siren on this island!!

    I appreciate your presence and have loved your developments w/Pipeliner man… I am with you..

    I love that you are being flooded with generous men!

    I may be off the dating merry go round for the moment but I am still learning from all of you!!!!!

    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:26am

  353. 353: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 345 Mel Rori encourages to find the anger in our body and see what it is about. Hope I can find the post to direct you to it. If you are feeling the anger,he is too and it is pushing him away.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:27am

  354. 354: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 358 SLV There have been times in the past where you post comments that have had me laughing. I like your sense of humor is all I mean by it. Such as the traps comment.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:29am

  355. 355: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I might have missed the “going off on you” as I had kind of shut down recently and was not reading as usual. If that is the case I don’t support that type of thing.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:32am

  356. 356: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Thank you. I don’t feel guilty about it. I never really put it together before I posted that. I guess I feel a little guilt about it now. But I’m a huge fan of (and student) of the metaphysical and all forms of spirituality. Mostly I found it interesting as it relates to past lives. I’ve heard it said that we choose our parents, our life path, etc before we take physical form. I remember hearinf my Mom pray every morning for God to take her. And he did. And I was 18. Makes me wonder if there’s not something to that past lives stuff. I wonder if I had already written my plan and chosen to be what felt like “orphaned” to me at 18.

    I absolutely LOVE Shinedown! I bought their CD immediately upon hearing “Second Chance.” I love pretty much every song on there – they speak to me, somehow – resonate I guess I would say. I love, love, love their new song “Diamond Eyes” as well!

    Off to class now, maybe I’ll get a chance to catch up on posts later. Have a great day Siren Ones (that would be a play on Wise Ones…fitting I think).

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:34am

  357. 357: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @PG

    “…I have become VERY VERY aware that I am too sensitive to other people’s energy… esp in dating situations.. and I don’t yet know how to protect myself… How to keep myself from being pushed and pulled and swayed all over the place…”

    I am very sensitive to other people too. I’ve had a horrible few minutes on the blog so I’m taking some time for myself now and using my resources for myself.

    Take care, cowgirl.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:36am

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 364 SLV I know what you mean. I am really sorry to hear you had a horrible few minutes and sincerely hope it was a misunderstanding that can easily be overcome. This blog should be wide open for the whole world. It really hurts when I see comments that seem to keep it small.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:38am

  359. 359: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @361: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 358 SLV There have been times in the past where you post comments that have had me laughing. I like your sense of humor is all I mean by it. Such as the traps comment….”

    I reposted someone else’s comment…plus. I do attempt to add value…what can I say? I don’t think that makes *ME* hilarious. I don’t want my comments to be seen in that light. My time is valuable to me.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:40am

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 366 Understood.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:42am

  361. 361: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I truly value your presence here. I believe you add value. I really do.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:43am

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I feel I would give you a hug right now. I value physical touch as it helps me to feel loved and valued. I am sending you a virtual hug.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:48am

  363. 363: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Ok… I found something to do tonight. I’ll have to go by myself, (don’t know anyone here) but whatever! The little tavern in town has a band on tonight that does quote: “Asian inspired surfer music.” Sounds intriguing…

    So here’s the thing. How do I tell my husband that I’m going to a bar by myself without it sounding like I’m trying to “one up him” or “make him feel guilty.” I want to choose my words carefully because I always tend to say the wrong thing and just make things worse.

    At least when he called me to inform me he was going out I didn’t completely lose it this time. I only said “I feel jealous.” I wish I hadn’t said anything though.

    I want the message to be positive and like I don’t care that he’s going out (even though I really feel terrible). I’ll send it to him by email at work.

    Suggestions for a “speech” for me? I’m not good at this.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:49am

  364. 364: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Craig,

    it felt annoying to get caught in the rain and call you late last night. Hope your presentation went great!
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) Will tomorrow or Sunday say 11am to noon work for you?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:55am

  365. 365: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am missing Pamelala a lot. Pamelala hope you are okay.

    Ann I am missing you and hope all is going well with your situation and your decision.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:57am

  366. 366: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 371

    Alonka I would take out the first line. Though it might be true for you it is a first date and I am not sure if would want to leave an annoying impression on him of our first time together. He might always remember that word associated with you and when your quirks start showing up later if he keeps talking to you and dating you, his mind might keep putting you together with annoying.

    Is there anything you could appreciate him on and sandwich it with. Maybe his choice of restaurant, dinner something and kind of link it to him winning with his presentation. In other words suggest that his thinking is good so you know his presentation might have made an unforgettable impression.

    I would leave out the last question. Rori says no questions and I remember Loneplum suggested that questions are like emotional rape. It is in his head. He should want to talk without you “suggesting it”.
    Hi Craig,

    Hope your presentation went great!
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) Will tomorrow or Sunday say 11am to noon work for you?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:55am

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:05pm

  367. 367: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 370 Did he say anything to suggest that he felt guilty?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:09pm

  368. 368: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Catching up on the posts.. busy day. But Jilly was asking what I was planning to send and this what I am sending shortly;)

    Cookie,

    Yes, if I knew myself how the whole thing works at the right time I wouldn’t be here! lol Not that I’m not happy to make new friends here and learn:)

    Boomer,

    Thanks, yes, I will consider google phone. Didn’t know about it, thanks again

    Busy day today;)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:09pm

  369. 369: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka did you see my comments.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:11pm

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I would just say I am feeling bored with the house, I am going out to enjoy myself and see if I can meet some new people.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:15pm

  371. 371: MelNo Gravatar says:

    No, but often when I try to express my feelings he says that I’m only telling him _____ to make him feel guilty.

    Like when he told me a few weeks ago that he had to (yet again) skip our plans and go into work on a Saturday, I said I felt abandoned. He said I was trying to “manipulate him” into staying home.

    It is obvious to me that he feels I am controlling. I think he’s just misunderstanding me most of the time.

    I just feel like no matter what I say it is the wrong thing.

    Should I say: “I am feeling lonely and I don’t like to feel that way. XYZ place has some neat live music tonight, so I was thinking that might make me feel better. What do you think?”

    Is that okay?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:17pm

  372. 372: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka I would say if you want reinforce any emotion it would be about being happy and having fun on the date.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:19pm

  373. 373: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel that is explaining, which is what Rori says we should not do.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:20pm

  374. 374: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel Your tone and your vibe is what is “telling him _____ to make him feel guilty.” Also take out words like “you should, you always, you make me or you need to” from your vocabulary. It translates as controlling in people’s mind because many mothers talk to us that way.

    I personally don’t like the words “I felt abandoned” because truly it is not a feeling. We are the ones who abandon ourselves. We feel “sad, angry etc”. You miss him when he is not home. I think “I felt abandoned” actually means “you are abandoning me”.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:24pm

  375. 375: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 378 “I am feeling lonely and I don’t like to feel that way. XYZ place has some neat live music tonight, so I was thinking that might make me feel better. What do you think?”

    You can decide if you want to feel better regardless of the music, what if you don’t like it. I am also not convinced you should not allow him to ask you where you are going. Also I am not convinced you should ask him “what do you think”? What if he is not agreeable to you going there?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:28pm

  376. 376: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Thank you so much. We did not have a date yet. It was the very first phone call that I made last night at 10 pm and he said he was busy still at work, preparing a presentation. He asked if we can talk instead tonight and earlier in the evening. He sounded a bit harsh, maybe just busy, and I decided not to ‘do as Iam told’ and call tonight. I felt like skipping a day and calling on the weekend instead.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:28pm

  377. 377: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So why are you talking about annoying and the rain?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:31pm

  378. 378: MelNo Gravatar says:

    hmm…. I can see what you mean. I certainly did not intend to control him, but I guess I can see how it would have been interpreted that way.

    I really struggle with this! It’s hard to say how you feel while also thinking about how it will be received. Especially in the “heat of the moment.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:32pm

  379. 379: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 383 What did he say to make you feel you were “told” to call?

    I wouldn’t call. It would show how much he is thinking of you. I would believe that he was busy. Guys are single focus, that is how their brains are wired. If you called when he was in the middle of something he would not have been happy to hear from you. Plus if you already called last night why would you call again?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:34pm

  380. 380: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Haha rain was the reason I called him so late, I got home late. Since he was commenting on ‘calling earlier in the evening’ I thought I’d tell him that was the reason and not that I call guys late in the evenings usually:)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:36pm

  381. 381: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel how you feel will be in your body. Even if have have to say I feel pressure in my chest; or I am struggling with expressing myself clearly but I feel disappointed, I feel my heart racing, I feel shaky in my shoulders. I feel nauseaous. I feel sweaty and nervous. Get out of your head by touching something.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:37pm

  382. 382: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    yes, he said ‘Can we talk tomorrow instead and earlier in the evening’?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:38pm

  383. 383: MelNo Gravatar says:

    So you think I should leave it vague? Wouldn’t that sound like I was hiding something?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:38pm

  384. 384: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You see things get lost in translation when we explain. I would not call again and I would not send that text. Guys forget.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:39pm

  385. 385: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    He does not have my number. I said I was comfortable with make the very first call myself. So the ball is in my court for now. If we have a nice conversation, then I will give him my number.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:40pm

  386. 386: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 389 Alonka that is not tell you to call him.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:41pm

  387. 387: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl:

    “I got a part in the comm theater play as a southern white trash floozy and am having fun…”

    Ha! Yay you! That sounds so fun! That is an excellent way to put the focus on you, your creativity, your passions, you, you, you!!

    Reminds me of last week when Annie Clyde and I were out dancing to a cheesey ’80s cover band we like at a local hillbilly bar…we had just eaten a metric buttload (yes, that’s a technical term) of Mexican food and had overindulged on these potent margaritas called “Bad Juans.” She kept clutching her flat little belly complaining that her “food baby” was making her feel sick. We were in the bathroom of the bar, and in my best trashy floozy voice, I said, “Girl, get in that stall and drop that food baby in the toilet like a trailer park prom queen! We got some dancin’ to do!”

    Of course, Bad Juan is so very, very bad (as is his larger, more potent brother “Nasty Miguel”), and I did not realize a) how loud I was, b) how many women were in the bathroom, and c) how I totally could have offended more than half the women there because, well…they were trailer park prom queens!

    Oh, and then some ball-cap-wearing good ol’ boy bought me a drink and tried to engage me in conversation. Upon hearing how many children I have (four), he said, “Whew girl, you must really like to screw! Are you fixed???”

    Charming.

    Needless to say, we laughed about THAT too, and it was a fun night. After nights like that, I’m thinking, “Who needs men??? Other than to poke fun at???”

    I love my friends :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:41pm

  388. 388: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda 209
    I said everything I put in my post in 105. I don’t think I was being manipulative. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with standing up for myself. I had to have that talk with him though.
    @ #217 SLV
    Thanks for your input. I’m not hurting as much now. I think I’ll be okay. I know I’ll look back on this and see that it was an important lesson.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:45pm

  389. 389: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    It’s Friday. Almost quitting time. If not for the fact that I am in Mommy Mode all weekend, I sure could use some time with Bad Juan. Even his sassy little sister, “Cheeky Mamacita” would be great right now (she’s smaller but loaded with top-shelf tequila and amaretto –yummy!). And some chips and salsa would be a nice accompaniment, don’t you think? The kids could enjoy their burritos and let mommy slowly get pickled, right? That does not make me a bad mommy. Right???

    I feel…

    - indulgent
    - irreverent
    - wicked

    Yay Friday!!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:49pm

  390. 390: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 390 Mel did he tell you where he was going? I would also assume that he would ask you where you were going? That you give you a gauge of his level of interest in you and your happiness, is what I think. Tell him how you feel and that you are going out and then pause to see what happens.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 12:54pm

  391. 391: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel also aren’t you new in town? What could you possibly be hiding? If you are hiding something wouldn’t it be relief to know he is coming home late so there would be no need to hide anything?

    Why would he think you are hiding something? Are you a conspiracy theorist like me?

    The point I am making is that you might be overthinking things.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:01pm

  392. 392: MelNo Gravatar says:

    “The point I am making is that you might be overthinking things.”

    Good point! LOL

    As you can probably tell, I’m not an especially vague person, so it might seem out of the ordinary for me is all.

    I like your idea of just mentioning it and pausing to see what he says though.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:04pm

  393. 393: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 399

    Rori teaches to build in the pause to give them space to absorb what we say and respond. Their brains don’t work as fast as ours. She normally says to include what do you think at the end. In this case I think you are doing something for yourself that you need to do and am not convinced that you need his opinion on it. I hope some of the other sirens give you some feedback also.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:08pm

  394. 394: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    My girlfriend on FB posted “Hey K, when are we gonna rage?” I posted, “Friday!!!!!” Why not. It increases my vibe up.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:09pm

  395. 395: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Has he every described you as vague?
    Does he ever say you talk too much? Or have you ever felt he tunes you out?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:09pm

  396. 396: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari

    What you said was beautiful. When I was reading it I was thinking that wish I were so brave, down to my feelings and articulate. I honestly think you couldn’t do better for yourself.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:09pm

  397. 397: MelNo Gravatar says:

    LOL, he tunes me out quite often.

    The funny thing is that when we first got together, that was one of my “good qualities” and now it just seems to annoy him.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:12pm

  398. 398: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I just asked a guy to get me something and he brought back a lot more than I expected. When I said wow that is a lot he said “can I say that you are deserving?”.

    I also just heard a lady telling a guy “I am fabulous”. He laughed and agreed with her, repeating “yes you are fabulous”.

    Do we have power or what. We teach people how to treat us.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:13pm

  399. 399: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 404 What quality?
    You know your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:14pm

  400. 400: MelNo Gravatar says:

    “RE 404 What quality?”

    Being talkative and easy to talk to.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:16pm

  401. 401: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Adam is back on FB. He has erased all his friends’ posts asking where he is. Obsess much? Why yes, I do. I feel bothered that after I returned his LIKE, he didn’t instigate further communication.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:19pm

  402. 402: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 408 kaitlyn It seems to me he is processing something in his own life. Doesn’t seem rational that he would erase “all his friends’ post asking where he is” without responding. I believe he might be in his mind dealing with some “demons”. He might even be feeling psychic pressure because of the focus you have put on him in your own head. He might even be miserable, missing you. Remember long after a break up the brain still lights up with love for the person.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:25pm

  403. 403: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    just stopping by to share a link:)
    The Allure of a Man’s Uncertainty.
    From the NY Times
    http://nyti.ms/eyRqYq

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:26pm

  404. 404: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 407 Could it be that because he liked you talkative you could have given him too much of that, thinking more is better? Just because he liked it.

    I bet he is missing that easy going fun girl who talked about all the things that made her happy though.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:27pm

  405. 405: MelNo Gravatar says:

    “I bet he is missing that easy going fun girl who talked about all the things that made her happy though.”

    You are SO right!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:30pm

  406. 406: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    409 FW

    I truly hope he misses me. I truly hope he’s ok in his head with whatever he’s going through. I do know he has a stalker- a guy. Maybe he’s hiding from him. He’s the reason Adam didn’t want me putting ‘In a relationship with Adam ___’ on my FB.

    Sometimes I think what if he misses me. That makes me feel optimistic, which raises my vibe. But then I feel guilty that it raised my vibe because 1) my vibe shouldn’t depend on him 2) what if thinking he still wants me is me just being delusional.

    Is this train of thought normal?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:31pm

  407. 407: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    RE: #274 – About Google Voice, I feel immediately suspicious. My first question would be is it hackable? Is it guaranteed confidential?

    Makailah – You can add your picture at gravatar dot com. If you aren’t receiving Rori’s eletters, you could resign up or email technical support on her website.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:32pm

  408. 408: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Google Voice has an inbox just like Gmail. If you trust your Gmail or Yahoo account, why not something like this? I guess it’s as hackable as anything else. And it’s Google, so I feel good about it.

    My biz partner here at work, the VP of Web Architecture, is the one who suggested it to me several month ago when I was complaining about the loser guys who text me all the time. He’s a technical guru, and he uses it all the time.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:35pm

  409. 409: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari,

    Ok, I read #105 and I wasn’t sure if there was more to the conversation, or if that was just a summary. I think what you said was just about perfect! I would have left out the part about his girlfriend mistreating him. I understand where your thoughts probably were on that, tho. But all in all, it was totally excellent, and you are treating yourself like the goddess that you are.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:37pm

  410. 410: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    This is called the “reciprocity principle,” which holds that a woman should like a man less if he doesn’t like her much, and reflects earlier research.

    Great read Nikita.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:38pm

  411. 411: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 413 kaitlyn I think the key is you “thinking” at all about him. You have been in your head for over two weeks about him and what he is feeling. It now seems that you have been on facebook to check on him. All that you wrote today should bring your consciousness to how you are abandoning yourself.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:41pm

  412. 412: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    I suppose it’s worth considering. I am going to read the fine print first, tho. You know the other cheap, online phone service, Magic Jack? My friend looked into it, and the fine print states something about it not being confidential.

    About 4 years ago, this friend had her entire computer hacked, followed by her bank account. The predator would literally navigate around on HER email while she was at the computer, and he cleaned out her bank account. She has gotten ultra careful since then. She runs her computer on safe mode. She won’t make any online purchases. She told me not to text her any photos, videos, or songs that were originally sent from a computer. She won’t even give out her phone number to businesses she deals with.

    I know for me, I speak more freely on the phone than I write in email. With all the corruption today, I’d hate to create another way to be had.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:42pm

  413. 413: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I understand you, but I’m not abandoning myself. I am kicking ass at work, constantly cleaning my apt, at the gym plus running everyday, always CD-ing myself, gym, hanging with friends, gym, reading, etc.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:44pm

  414. 414: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 420 I will look for the email regarding abandoning from Innerbonding. You have to go internally also. These are all external activities that does not seem to be impacting your internal state.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:46pm

  415. 415: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Thanx. I’m open to reading that.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:47pm

  416. 416: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    Re: #306 – You are moving AGAIN? That is tuff to go thru! What was the heavenly music you heard?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:49pm

  417. 417: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer and Sweetpea,

    RE: #313 – I saw a cute joke in a Saturday Evening Post last night. A young man handed his parents his degree from law school on his graduation day, saying, “There, I got my law degree like you always wanted. Now I am going to pursue my dream to be a mailman.” :lol:

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:52pm

  418. 418: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    372: Femininewoman says:

    I am missing Pamelala a lot. Pamelala hope you are okay.

    Ann I am missing you and hope all is going well with your situation and your decision.”

    Okay obviously I’ve had my head up my butt, wheres Pam/what decision/what did I miss?

    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:54pm

  419. 419: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Keep logic out of it and go with your feelings.” (Sweetpea)

    “My intuition is usually VERY good. My past issues have to do with not listening to my intuition when it was loud and clear.” (Boomer)

    Sweetpea, thank you for sharing your story and insights. Boomer, your words there could be mine!

    This has been an issue I have struggled with when trying to follow Rori’s teachings to the letter. I have come to the decision that, based on all my experiences, I can and should trust my intuition above all else. Rori says over and over again to trust ourselves and listen to our feelings — and I believe that admonition trumps her other guidelines.

    Sweetpea, I love what you wrote about logic and “nice guys.” My ex-h was/is a classic “nice guy.” My intuition told me to back out right before the wedding, but he and my friends used logic to talk me back into it — I consciously pushed my intuition down in my gut, covered it with a blanket, and lulled it to sleep — after all, their logic was impeccable, and he was such a “nice guy.”

    Years later, as most of you know, I discovered that even though he was a “nice guy,” he was also a sexual addict. In fact, many SA’s are indeed “nice guys.”

    So, I don’t have anything against “nice guys,” but I don’t give them any points just for being nice. Being a nice guy means nothing to me one way or the other. My feelings and intuition are the only things that matter.

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:56pm

  420. 420: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #364 SLV
    “I’ve had a horrible few minutes on the blog so I’m taking some time for myself now and using my resources for myself.

    Take care, cowgirl.”

    You too my beautiful Siren friend… I hope you can sincerely feel how loved and appreciated your voice is on this blog…
    I so love hearing you here..
    Angels on your body.
    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:56pm

  421. 421: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OMG Boomer!!! LMAO!
    “they were trailer park prom queens!

    Oh, and then some ball-cap-wearing good ol’ boy bought me a drink and tried to engage me in conversation. Upon hearing how many children I have (four), he said, “Whew girl, you must really like to screw! Are you fixed???”

    Charming.”

    OMG I need to hang out there to get my accent down…
    I hear ya about the men… some days you just gotta poke up with a stick and giggle…

    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:58pm

  422. 422: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    PG

    #427: Big YES!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 1:59pm

  423. 423: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, love the joke! I read it aloud to my kids (C and R) and they both laughed. All three are in that stage of career/college decisions. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:01pm

  424. 424: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #426 Lucy: Good words… I got logic-ed and niced into a serious relationship w a man who wasn’t good for me (nor I for him) a few short years ago. He lulled my intuition to sleep… I get that.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:01pm

  425. 425: MelNo Gravatar says:

    So I ended up just saying… ” I think I might go out tonight. I feel like I need to get out of the house.” He said “That’s a good idea.” Didn’t even inquire about where or what I would be doing. Not sure what that means.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:01pm

  426. 426: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #428 Prairie Girl: LMAO I live in an area w lots of those GOBs… one reason CDing for me here consists more of connecting w and enjoying all that’s around me rather than dating lots of men right now. Done did that years ago. Some who appear to be GOBs are super great guys… it’s hard to tell till you know them They don’t carry labels sadly.

    Charming indeed. Ak!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:04pm

  427. 427: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I met this guy at a social/dance party last night and he stayed with me the whole time I was there (I left early) , asked for my email/number and wrote me a note today. But I’m not really attracted to him!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:08pm

  428. 428: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #394 Boomer: Oh, that was you?! LMAO ROFL! Wish I could see you in your play!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:10pm

  429. 429: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman and others -

    “I saw one of the ladies in Sex and City do it in front of her husband…how it opened up the relationship for them…some guys get turned on by that kind of thing but remember thinking there is no way I would masturbate in front of a man.”

    Most if not all women carry all their hurts and traumas within their pelvis causing at worst pain and at best reduced sensation.

    Please explore this area on your own and with your man if there is one in your life right. This is SO healing in so many ways.

    Men love to watch their woman masturbate, and once you get past the self-consciousness, not only is this so much fun, it makes it SO much easier to take you orgasms into your own hands lol and not worry about whether he will be able to give you one.

    Also the more you open your pelvic area and release the areas that hold, the more you will feel sexually. Bigger, more intense orgasms, multiples, and so on.

    Happy exploring.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:14pm

  430. 430: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad about all the pain we have all endured from men, as I read our posts day after day. Some days, like today, I feel like swearing off men and just being single the rest of my life. I feel sad that there are so many jerks out there, total fools, who have the love and devotion of a good woman and throw it away.

    Those are my nasty voices speaking, but sometimes I think they’re right. I want to be a wife so much, yet I feel disgusted at all the men who have mistreated me. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and energy on men who don’t deserve me. Why are the good men so few and far between?

    I know, it will be worth the waiting…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:18pm

  431. 431: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #312 FW: This makes SO MUCH sense to me… I sort of picked up on or suspected this… wow, thanks for posting. It feels VERY helpful, healing, clearing to read this.

    Also, for those who feel too sensitive to others’ energy while dating (or at any time) SLV & ? I suggest grounding yourself… energy sensitivity of the degree that spins you around, flattens you out, spaces or expands you unhealthily is in my experience (and training) ungroundedness. It’s electrical, just like a house in a way. Ask me if you want more info. There’s a simple method or two, I won’t blog it here yet.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:19pm

  432. 432: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    Beautifully said!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:20pm

  433. 433: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky

    #438: Yes, I am very interested. my email is tanda0802@yahoo.com. Thanks!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:36pm

  434. 434: ljNo Gravatar says:

    I feel down and a little depressed right now and actually angry with myself. Here I am Friday late afternoon wondering if this weekend I will be seeing once again the guy I have been seeing the last several months on the weekend–my ex.
    Yes, I reunited with my ex back in October. I don’t really know if reuniting is what you would call it though. We were together for 4 years, then not together for a year with no communication, and then after an invite i extended to him to get a drink hoping to at least be friends, things started progressing…..what has happened is the following: we’ve been hanging out a least once a week (usually on Saturdays)…we have a great time together…and we text each other or talk a couple times each week at the most. However, who does the initiating for the most part is me…For instance, last Thursday, i asked him what his weekend plans were and told him I was free Saturday–he seemed very excited that I was available and it seemed he wanted to see me as he always does. (However, it’s rarely him asking me if I am free) Instead its more me volunteering the info myself….then we met up and he took me out to a nice meal, we had a blast, and i spent the night at his house..yes we had sex and it was great. Left Sunday…called him and talked with him Monday…..he sent me a silly text on Wednesday which i replied to later that night….i sent him a text yesterday..and he replied……..this is sorta how its been going week to week for the last several months…Mind you, we have not talked about the past…and i have not yet asked him if he is sleeping with anyone else or dating anyone else…..i guess i haven’t known how to approach this and felt like maybe i would rock the boat of what has been pretty enjoyable …however, i feel tense sometimes because i feel but i feel i need to know this..what this now is with us ….i love that we have reconnected, i love hanging out and spending time with him, and yes we have such a blast when we are together and i know he enjoys spending time with me….but what happens is, we have a great time and i’m fine for the beginning of the week, then I wonder…hmm…how does he feel…if he missed me or was thinking of me wouldn’t he call…..if he wanted to see me, is it a pattern of he thinks I’m going to let him know my availability or is it, that he always wants to play it cool and not ask me…or is it that if he really wanted to see me then he would ask me and ask in advance…i don’t know…i don’t know how to express my feelings to him …i’m so cautious of getting hurt again….how can i easily and carefuly talk to him to know what this is b/t us…is it just a friends w/benefits thing…or something more like before we broke up……i think i will feel better having gotten these answers and having a clear understanding of what’s going on here…i don’t want to assume that we are anything that we are not…
    Any advice?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:37pm

  435. 435: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea — you are quite welcome (for the dream help). :)

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:38pm

  436. 436: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #195 knocksoftly: lol xox!

    #197 Brenda: Thank you for sharing your poems… nice. They feel v good to me to read.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:39pm

  437. 437: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    #440 Alonka: Got your email… message coming soon.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:40pm

  438. 438: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I know what you mean about swearing off men sometimes. But, I really don’t have a financial game plan to get through the rest of my life on my own. I wish I were more self sufficient! I’ll be 57 next mo. and no sight of retirement for like…..forever!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:42pm

  439. 439: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Memee:

    I read all your posts… I pray you are held softly, tenderly, tightly and supportively by forces greater, gentler, and deeper than any person, and by persons as well. You are held here, dear… loved, accepted no matter what… I remember thisbprocess you are going thru… hold on. It will get better. You will make it and get thru this.

    You are an amazing woman, and able to speak honestly, see reality, stand strongly, and be weak when that is real too. We are with you. We are here.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:46pm

  440. 440: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I still haven’t replied to fb college guy. I still feel kinda turned off. And still feel angry about that bc – wtf? — up until a couple days ago I woulda been thrilled to finally go out with him.

    I don’t get it.

    I’m trying to experiment to see if I can make the same thing happen with WH — that is, stop caring about whether I ever hear from him again — give up on him completely — get disgusted with him — and then see if he appears out of the blue. Haha. And then I won’t want him.

    This actually sorta fits with what TN man taught me: You have to give up the Wanting before you can get to the Having.

    But what’s the point of Having it if you no longer Want it?

    Maybe this is a transition stage. Maybe when I really learn to let go of all Wanting, the man I am meant to Have will just show up. And I won’t Want him — I will just Have him and be glad of it. ???????

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:51pm

  441. 441: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It’s like I finally pushed fb college guy off my horse and rode away… and then he comes running after me and says, “Can I ride with you?”… and I’m like, “Uhhh, why would I want you on my horse? I JUST pushed you off!” I don’t know what to do.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:55pm

  442. 442: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @243 FW

    Those words are exactly what I needed to read right now. I have used all my past mistakes as lessons and have not been doing those same mistakes with SexyOlderGuy (except for the occasional lean forward “how are you” text). Yes, he is withdrawing again, rubber band man syndrome, but my action has been inaction. One of these days he is going to see how great and drama-free I am LOL!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:57pm

  443. 443: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, how are you doing? Your situation with Adam has been on my mind a lot….

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 2:57pm

  444. 444: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, I’ve scrolled back through the posts and realise I mis-read your response to Brenda about wasp spray as I was speed reading to catch up. I feel sorry to have upset you as that was certainly not my intention. However, I feel you do come across as very funny/hilarious on here and that was meant as a compliment.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:00pm

  445. 445: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “You are moving AGAIN? That is tuff to go thru! What was the heavenly music you heard?”

    yep…but it’s all good, a lovely cottage this time on a huge piece of property, gardening here we come.

    the thing is we’ll probably move again in a year or so, but when that happens, it will be a buy situation, in other words, we’ll have a home again which is ours.

    the music was a little known symphony which is never performed, so what a treat. it’s Gorecki’s 3rd symphony, The Symphony of Sorrowful Songs.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:03pm

  446. 446: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky 438: I’m interested!
    My email is malaikah37@gmail.com :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:08pm

  447. 447: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Alonka #403
    Thank you for the encouragement. :) I’m glad that my feelings came out in an articulate way. I felt more confident since I was using feeling messages.

    @Brenda 416
    Yes that’s pretty much all I said. He had more to say but I just focused on my own words. I said the bit about his girlfriend out of my feelings toward him…we always want to protect the things we love. It seems like an out-of-place thing to say now that I read it again. But thanks for confirming that I did say the right thing for the most part.
    Today I looked myself in the mirror and gave myself a hug, and kissed my arm. This triggered me. I thought, why do I feel uncomfortable kissing my arm? I asked my mirror image, “Do you feel like you don’t learn to love yourself?” I thought about this, and hugged myself tighter. “It’s okay to love yourself, Lercomari,” I said, “Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.” This made my eyes water with tears. I think I will have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:27pm

  448. 448: MelNo Gravatar says:

    So funny!

    Suddenly I get a text from hubby asking if I want to go out dancing. WTF? Why the turnaround?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:32pm

  449. 449: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    The excitement is finally starting to kick in as I get ready for my date with my new “Giddy as a Schoolboy” CD! Wish me luck!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:37pm

  450. 450: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, 436:

    “Most if not all women carry all their hurts and traumas within their pelvis causing at worst pain and at best reduced sensation.”

    So…….what does it mean for a woman who orgasms when the wind picks up slightly and who puts the “mmmmmm” in multi????

    I swear, if I have any more orgasms in my life, my pelvis is going to explode!

    Although I have recurring UTI and kidney issues…are you aware of any spiritual/past implications for those sorts of health issues?

    I know there are some Reiki practitioners/believers here. What do you think?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 3:49pm

  451. 451: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Hello WORLD!

    Here’s this afternoon’s text convo with M:

    Him: Hello

    Me Hello

    Him: Who is this? LMAO

    Me: The now irritated woman who once graced your bed.

    Him: How come u irritated? Wait my fault right

    Me: I don’t like requesting contact over & over. And I need daily contact with a sexual relationship. I am an emotional creature. I fee unhappy & unheard.

    Him: I am sorry that I have been absent as much as I have been. Four days is a long time without a hello. U are right. U should not have to request contact.

    Me: Thank you. I appreciate hearing that. I feel skeptical, though. I need reassurance.

    Him: I would presume so.

    Me: I would like to be back to feeling happy with each other. I enjoy that so much more. :-)

    Him: how?

    Me: What would you like to do?

    Him: hang out this week end for sure.

    Me: I’m up for that.

    Him: Lunch break?

    Me: Today? I have work in 45 min.

    Him: Just a thought.

    Me: A nice thought. I like it. I have to go. I’m open to week end plans.

    Him: K

    I’m really proud of myself. I didn’t blame or attack. I stayed in my feelings and my needs. I let him react how ever he wanted to my statements of what’s inside me.

    I think it’s interesting that he starts with, “Wait, my fault, right?”

    He knows good and well it’s been 4 days since the last conversation we had in which I said I need more contact if I’m sleeping with someone.

    My staying in my feelings eliminates the game playing.

    A-HA! No game playing.

    I LIKE IT!!!!

    Lisi

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:01pm

  452. 452: IzzyNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I’ve been reading your blog for about 4 months and this is my first post. I’m 31 years old and I just ended my 3 and a half years relationship. This was my first long term relationship so it was a great learning experience. It was worth it, even if just for learning Rori’s teachings. I never totally accepted this guy because of certain “social” differences. He was thought of a loser by my girlfriends because he is struggling in his professional life. He is 32. But he is faithful, loyal, values family, is athletic. He is a good guy. A few months after we met we both started changing our professional lives. He got laid off his job that wasn’t paying him good money anyway (he majored in advertising) and decided to became a martial arts instructor. As for me, I’m a business major, worked for a large bank for 6 years but decided I wanted more money and more free time. So I quit my job and started studying for a government position. The tests are hard and I’ve been in this path for over 2 years. That means no money and very little free time. I also got distant from my friends because of the little money and also feeling embarrassed for not being as successful as them and not passing the tests as fast as I thought I could.
    Before I met this guy, I was very cynical with men and relationships. I was very closed off and I didn’t feel supported and cared for when I was at my lowest with him. I got angry and resentful. He stayed through all that. I felt like breaking up 3 times but didn’t. Then I started learning feeling messages and we finally, FINALLY, started talking. But I still didn’t feel the connection I wanted. This past month, he started getting distant. He stopped taking care of things in my apartment as he used to, he didn’t kiss me as much, but was still kind. This past holiday we went to the beach together. He was distant, but nice. After we came back he brought my luggage to my apartment and before he left I said I really liked the weekend, it was very relaxing, but I felt him being distant. And I said if something has changed I would like to know. He said he cared about me, but it felt more like friendship now. We kept talking about us and then he got silent. I felt he was preparing to tell me something. He said he started having feelings for some other woman. She is one of her students. I met her and her boyfriend. He said he was confused. They never had anything and he doesn’t even know how she feels about him. I asked what he wanted to do. He said he would like some time off to figure out how he feels. And this coming from a guy who has always said he doesn’t believe in time off. I said that would not feel good to me. I said I wanted a men who was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me. And then we decided to part ways. I got his things that were in my apartment and gave them to him and I asked him to get my things that were in his apartment and leave them with the door men. As he was waiting for the elevator he said: I miss you already. I went to the theater that night to watch Birdcage with my girlfriends and after that I stopped by his house and got my things. And that was it. I felt so proud of myself to not accept being friends while he makes up his mind and also for starting a conversation that ended up with him telling me the truth of what was going on. What I’m most proud of is the confidence that I do have the ability to have an intimate relationship now. That is new for me!

    I didn’t sleep at all that night, even with the sleeping pills I’m taking because I’m losing my nerves over my tests. The next morning I had a message on my inbox from my first boyfriend of 13 years ago. We started getting in touch by email a year ago, but only a message every 1-2 months. He is married, has a kid and is having trouble with his marriage. I started using feeling messages with him and he surprisingly opened up. He said he doesn’t talk about his marriage with his friends and that his job has hardened him emotionally (his is a firefighter). He also said that he can’t handle himself and that causes pain to the other person. Wow! He usually took 1 or 2 months to answer to my emails and this time the took 2 weeks and the very day I broke up with my boyfriend. To me it was validation that I can have a man open up to me. Some other interesting thing that happened today was a guy that was trying to sell windshield wipers at the stop sign. I said I really am not interested. He then reached for the windshield to show me the wipers wore worn off and that I needed new ones. I looked at him and said: “I feel a little pressured”. His reaction was the best: “ohhhh, really? Ohh…. Next time then when you feel calmer you can stop by. God bless you”. And there I was feeling taken care of by the stop sign salesman! How awesome are feeling messages?
    I have felt all kinds of feelings today. I felt headache, my chest tighten, a knot in my throat, a cold in my stomach… and I also felt relief, freedom, and then I felt it easier to breathe and I felt confident that I can create intimacy with a man. I try not to let the negative feelings to stay for too long.
    Now I need to experience circular dating. But the thing is: I don’t know if I want marriage. The word marriage has a negative appeal to me. I’m not sure about kids either. I want to find out what I want soon, because I don’t want to waste my time and I don’t want to regret later, especially about kids. I want a life partner and to feel loved, desired, taken care of, safe, awesome sex life, personal growth through another person and all that. I just have a hard time calling that marriage. How do I find out if that is what I want? Do I need to find that out before I circular date or do I circular date with the purpose to find out what I want?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:14pm

  453. 453: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “Suddenly I get a text from hubby asking if I want to go out dancing. WTF? Why the turnaround?”

    That’s hoe it works Mel. You’ve been working on shifting your energy, and he feels this and responds.
    YAY.
    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:22pm

  454. 454: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky 438: I’m interested

    My email is carolinagrl.2005@gmail.com

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:25pm

  455. 455: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – All I can say is lucky you, and more than a few women would be jealous.

    As for recurring UTIs associated with kidney issues (they’re the same), you are apparently ultra sensitive in that area. Keeping your diet more to the acidic as in cranberry juice and always peeing after sex is important.

    Probiotics are also good.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:27pm

  456. 456: MelNo Gravatar says:

    It just makes me laugh that he had absolutely no interest in spending time with me today until I decided to go out on my own. Funny how that works hey?!

    And dancing yet! You don’t know how many times I’ve asked him to dance (at weddings etc.) and he’s said no thanks. This is crazy!!

    This will be super fun! Hooray for womanly powers!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:28pm

  457. 457: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi: #459

    Great job Lisi :) I loved the convo :) Yay…celebrate it darling :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:30pm

  458. 458: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    459: LisiNo Gravatar..
    Wow, you seem to be going through the same thing I am. I have been seeing T for 3 months and waited 6 weeks before becoming sexual. 1st 6 weeks, he was great, emails, texts, calls, DATES…then it all shifted. Well this is all in an earlier post from me so I won’t go into details. I too feel like I need more contact. I need to know he is not sleeping with others. Except I don’t get the contact. When I text him Monday to tell him how I feel, he said we could talk about it in person, but I haven’t heard from him since. Now I am having a war with myself over whether to text him or not. I am new to Rori’s ways, but trying to do what I read in her emails to the best of my ability. I love your convo with him. Straight and to the point. I am working out a “speech” myself for him if I ever hear from him again. I fear I won’t. This I am trying to overcome.
    Right now I feel scared, I feel lonely, I feel like I maybe overreacted, I feel maybe I scared him away. Maybe he thinks I have too many issues, too insecure, too needy, too high maintenance.
    I agree though, I expect more contact when I am sleeping with someone. Somehow, it always ends up with less contact. No matter how long I wait!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:34pm

  459. 459: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque:

    Sorry for butting in…on the conv about UTI…:)

    About 18 years ago, I got a very bad UTI…from not being able to go to the bathroom for a long time …long story…on that…and absurd…in my country at that time train stations bathrooms will close at 8pm…:( yep…

    Anyway, it was sooo bad..that I had to be on antibiotic…and it would recur at the 1st encounter with a cold e.g, cold feet, feeling cold, etc…

    We had at the time many natural remedies where many people would stand by them…so, I was introduced to calendula flowers…dry flowers…I was advised to boil them in water (like tea), then I would wash my Yoni in a small tub (like a feet tub)…I did this like twice a day for about a week…also, I was advise to wear cotton panties…they keep u dry and are better absorbents…

    So, yes, I stand by this flower like crazy for UTI…never had an UTI since…

    Also, I used to macerate chamomile tea flowers and even calendula…and I would clean my face morning and night with it (use a small cotton ball)…later to discover in the US…about the face toners :) Even now, my favorite brand Clarins sales a chamomile toner for sensitive skin…go figure…I had it all figured out about 20 years ago :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:44pm

  460. 460: KSNo Gravatar says:

    *Names have been shortened to protect the innocent* Lol

    Something I could really use help with is reframing.
    I am stuck.

    Several months after leaving a long marriage I got involved with a younger “future faker”. He said all the right things, made grand promises of a future, spent $ like crazy, & treated my daughter and I like princesses. It all moved very fast. Once I finally opened up…BAM…he backed off big time. This was before RR and I must say I was pissed and had no hesitation in letting him know. It was not pretty.

    Have had no contact in the past few months but I can’t shake the constant, intrusive thoughts of him. I am ashamed of this but I often have delicious thoughts of getting him back by somehow making his life hell. I just cant shake this feeling of being a sucker, dumba$$, like I was played. He was a player and I fell for it.

    Any ideas on how to reframe this? I just want my brain back and to be able to move on. Thoughts?

    A

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:49pm

  461. 461: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Darling Ella, this is a fabulous natural remedy. Calendula is a wonderful healing herb, also great for sensitive and prone to break out skins.

    Chamomile known for its calming abilities, is also good for soothing a sensitive skin.

    Thank you for reminding me.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 4:50pm

  462. 462: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    KS:

    Oh, that sure feels awful…I feel your anger…

    U ask “Any ideas on how to reframe this? I just want my brain back and to be able to move on. Thoughts?”

    Are u familiar to riffing??? This is a good way to let go and vent over the anger and frustration u are experiencing…In the process, u will notice shifts – as in energy…u will feel better…and more open to finding u way to a good solution…

    And, I applaud u for expressing the not so good/proud feelings of thinking “revenge”…lol Always express that…don’t hide behind the negative feelings because u want to play nice :)

    I noticed that once express to the Universe the “ugly” part of my myself…I naturally shift and heal…it’s like reversing a “curse”…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:02pm

  463. 463: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella..thank you for the compliment :) it makes me feel so good :)

    Mel….yay!!!! i love it!!! that’s exactly how it works…like wtf lol

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:05pm

  464. 464: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    I just skimmed through…now i need to go through and really catch up :)

    i just got a job promotion today…wahooo…yipeee…i’m manifesting everything i’ve been wanting….:)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:08pm

  465. 465: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly 472:

    Wow, congratulations darling :) Lots of manifestations today for many of us…I just posted on my FB…”feeling magnetic…feeling powerful…” and darn it I feel it!!!!

    So, how are u going to celebrate?

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:12pm

  466. 466: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yayyy Mel.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:15pm

  467. 467: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque:

    Congratulations on your new home…It sure feels like the place I would imagine you living in :)

    Sending blessings and angels to you and your home :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:19pm

  468. 468: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    thank you, Darling Ella. I put up pictures on FB if you’re interested.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:23pm

  469. 469: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I felt so excited to get my monthly interview cd from Rori and find out that the guest this week is Tinque! It felt so good to hear her voice!

    I’ve only listened to the beginning so far. I look forward to treating myself to a cozy time listening later.

    Tinque, what is your name on facebook…if you don’t mind posting it here? I would love to befriend some of you there.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:39pm

  470. 470: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    A woman’s betrayal

    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/110%20A%20woman's%20betrayal.mp3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:39pm

  471. 471: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque:

    Awesome :) I just sent u a request :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:39pm

  472. 472: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Who is the perpetrator?

    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/008%20who_is_the_perpetrator.mp3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:42pm

  473. 473: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    What we will do for love

    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/000%20What%20we%20will%20do%20for%20love.mp3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:42pm

  474. 474: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    How to do a relationship

    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/001%20how_to_do_a_relationship.mp3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:43pm

  475. 475: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess – I don’t mind at all. I prefer my real name actually and have only kept my alias at the behest of my mentor.

    I feel honored and a bit shy right now.

    Dominique Christine

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:48pm

  476. 476: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LG I agree theinterview was very informative. I find it intriguing that the coaches voices are mostly calm and lowkeyed. I was kind of shocked to hear Tinque’s. It is as soothing as Rori’s though in some spots it was not clear. It has me woking on my beliefs around masturbation. It was explosive IMHO on porn. Really eye opening.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:49pm

  477. 477: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I tend to be soft spoken FW, especially when I’m being reflective, and it’s something I’ve been working on.

    I feel curious why you felt shocked at hearing my voice. I haven’t heard the interview yet and am hesitant. Hearing our own voices? There’s the shock.

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:58pm

  478. 478: KSNo Gravatar says:

    LG,
    Will you repost the link to ” A woman’s betrayal” please? Got an error when I clicked on the link. THANKS

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 5:58pm

  479. 479: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I guess I expected a kind of Samantha Jones effect after looking at the picture on the blog. It really came across reflective and safe.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:02pm

  480. 480: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my, Samantha Jones I’m not, yet I feel kind of flattered by that. Maybe she’s my hidden alter ego.
    I feel more flattered by your lasting impression.

    Thank you…

    xxoo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:05pm

  481. 481: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I have to toss out the brightest spot of my day.

    I have managed to get the worlds nastiest cold and as each minute goes by, I feel worse and worse.

    My 15 year old son, is at my feet on the living room floor and looks up at me and says:

    “I’m sorry you are feeling so bad, Mom. If I could, I’d be sick for you.”

    That’s my boy, I couldn’t feel more proud.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:09pm

  482. 482: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque: I just sent you a request but I forgot to type in that it was me, LG.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:09pm

  483. 483: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy re: 426,

    “So, I don’t have anything against “nice guys,” but I don’t give them any points just for being nice. Being a nice guy means nothing to me one way or the other. My feelings and intuition are the only things that matter.”

    This sums it up perfectly, for me at least. Thank you.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:13pm

  484. 484: KSNo Gravatar says:

    DE,
    Thanks so much for your guidance! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:13pm

  485. 485: SueNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori, couldnt find where to write to you so appologies if I have put in the wrong place :o) I felt that I wanted to tell you my story: I have been in love with a guy for 6 years..but, and I know this was not the best idea but we were both married to other partners when it started (but obviously unhappy) I had never remembered feeling so passionate about someone in my life and and I know that he felt the same way I was literally glowing and people noticed..but because we were both married things were difficult. This carried on and off for 6 years..I have been reading your book and have found your tools and advice amazing and I often read your blog and advice that you put on your website to help me. Last year came the “speech” about being `just friends` because he didnt know what he wanted and he was going through tough stuff with his wife and finances etc., (even though i was too)! and he didnt want a relationship with anyone…so i put up with being the friend even though it hurt me so bad. He left his wife and got a place of his own with his kids last year everytime he spoke with me he would ask if i had left my husband yet..had i found someone else and was telling me to get a place of my own..to which i said that i hadnt got a full time job yet but once i had i would be leaving, and he told me to stop talking about it and just leave! But he didnt actually offer me anything so at the beginning of this year I found you Rori and starting reading! Well iwas blown away by your methods and advice so decided to follow your words and stop chasing after him…he started to call me..and still kept asking the same questions so i told him that i was doing things to make me feel good, that i had been on a few dates and that i was getting myself out and about and feeling good, and had even booked a trip to Australia! when i talked to him it was with feeling messages which seemed to stop him in his tracks. But i had a dissapointment this week when I had to postpone my trip…because of medical reasons and silly me felt compelled to send him a text telling him how sad i was feeling..he called me immediately wanting to know what was wrong and was very nice..then all of a sudden he told me that he had met someone..wasnt serious but they got on well…It felt like being punched Rori..but I stayed very calm and said ` well I am sorry but I still have deep feelings for you, I cant be your friend and I dont know why you are telling me about your lovelife`he got angry with me so I told him to lose my number I said goodbye and hung up! And then cried my eyes out! I would really appreciate it if you could reply Rori, god bless you Sue x

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:14pm

  486. 486: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Sue:

    I think u handled yourself awesome during u last conv with him :) Yay !!!

    Welcome to the blog and lots of warm hugs :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:20pm

  487. 487: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    LOL on the good ol boy. I think I might have told him, “nah. I’m thinking of havin a couple more.” But then, I’m a little ornery sometimes.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:20pm

  488. 488: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “what does it mean for a woman who orgasms when the wind picks up slightly and who puts the “mmmmmm” in multi????” (Boomer)

    I used to be like that. I miss it. :( In my case, it turned out to be bc of unusually high estrogen. And it was related to the cancer that grew in the estrogen-producing cells of my ovaries.

    Even though I miss those crazy-easy orgasms, I feel grateful that the cancer is gone (2 years next week :)) and that I can at least orgasm “normally” (and just the other day had a spontaneous one wake me from sleep :)).

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:25pm

  489. 489: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    KS:

    A woman’s betrayal

    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/110%20A%20woman's%20betrayal.mp3

    lemme know if u like it

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:27pm

  490. 490: MelNo Gravatar says:

    If you can believe it, my husband just stood me up. While I was starting to get ready for our surprise night out dancing, he calls to say we can’t go after all because he’s been given a new work assignment. The fact is he’s choosing to do the work assignment tonight. He could have told them he had plans but would start on it tomorrow. He chose to drop me the second anything came up. That was a really crappy thing to do! :(

    Why do I tolerate this behavior? Rory says not to tolerate anything. I just feel like crawling into bed and never getting out. I feel really angry. Especially angry at myself.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:27pm

  491. 491: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Weird. It cut the link off again. If you copy and paste the whole link (including the black text) into your browser, it should work.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:29pm

  492. 492: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I don’t want to see him this weekend. He is not serious about me, he only wants fun and sex and I want more. He is possessive, He does not want to get serious with me, but does not want me to meet others and keep my options open. Though he is open to others himself.

    I am feeling the drug and the chemicals my brain is producing, but this does not feel good. How to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore?
    I don’t want to try this anymore, men are damaged.

    I want to be happy and every time I get close to someone, I feel unhappy. I am happy alone and trying to take over the world. I want to have more money, be able to travel, If I go for a relationship, I will get stuck and hurt.

    I want to be happy alone.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:33pm

  493. 493: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle: hope you feel better soon! Hugs.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:38pm

  494. 494: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, yikes! I’m so sorry you had cancer in your life, but I’m so happy that it is resolved.

    But whoa, I really hope that’s not my issue!

    I have been multi for most of my adult life, and I’ve notice it only increase after each baby. I have my theories about that and about some other manifestations of my sexual response, but it’s probably not appropriate for this blog :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:43pm

  495. 495: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Mel:

    I’m so sorry :( I sympathize. Can you date yourself tonight? Bath, candles, facial, book???

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:45pm

  496. 496: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    I did not get my margarita, chips, and salsa tonight. But my two younger kids and I ordered pizza, watched the Science Channel, and I drank a nice glass of Chianti. All in all, a swell way to spend a Friday evening. Now I have to go get my 15-year-old and four of his grindcore, screamo-metal band mates so they can practice here tonight. Lovely. The neighbors will love us…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:47pm

  497. 497: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: This is exciting. I want to be facebook friends with all of you. It’s so fun to get a better picture of people in my mind.

    Although my facebook page doesn’t give a comprehensive idea of me, I think, because I don’t really post much. Mostly there are random pictures other people post of me. I want to personalize it more soon.

    Anyway, I would love to meet other sirens there as well. Lemme know if you’re interested.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:49pm

  498. 498: KSNo Gravatar says:

    LG,
    I would love to connect on fb! add me. I think you can still do it searching under email. Just abbrev. my screen name on here for privacy!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 6:55pm

  499. 499: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I wrote my ex long distance relationship an email 2 mo.s ago and told him I thought it better if we don’t correspond any more because he broke up with me a year before and this is what he wrote;

    Jeannette,

    I am sorry that you feel that way about not communicating. I deeply apologize for any hurt that I may have caused, but I wouldn’t change meeting you for the world. I know your not looking for friends. I’m not either. I don’t know what to say. I won’t bother you anymore, but please know that I do care. Marvin
    Girls, how would you interpret this? I still think of him at times.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:08pm

  500. 500: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    You are truly and amazingly gifted. Thank you for sharing with us on here! So happy to hear about the 2 year mark! Woohoo!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:14pm

  501. 501: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque and FW #488:

    That’s Hot!!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:17pm

  502. 502: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy:

    Thank you for sharing u special experience with us …I feel closer to u because of it…My son is a cancer survivor as well…Hmm…interesting why u feel connected with someone before u even know their circumstances…

    Lots of love and hugs :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:21pm

  503. 503: CarolinagrlNo Gravatar says:

    Facebook me! how can we find each other?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:21pm

  504. 504: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    luzydel

    Are you sure it’s not just your fear talking? You don’t have to sleep with him if you feel uncomfortable, you know. It will be sooo cool if you meet him, have fun and refuse to go home with him! Promise you, he will remember it;)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:31pm

  505. 505: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Found you KS. I’ll definitely be conscious of privacy. That is very important to me as well.

    All of you are sooo beautiful. I’m feel stunned. What an amazing group of sirens we have here.

    Has anyone else noticed how profound the little sayings on the Yogi teabags are?

    The one I got today is:

    “if you don’t love where you come from, you can’t love where you are going”

    That feels quite appropriate for what I’ve been feeling lately.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:32pm

  506. 506: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Cg,
    Find me using knocksoftly@yahoodotcom

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:32pm

  507. 507: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Lg,
    Thanks. I just know my ex googles my name & email sometimes and I would be mortified if he EVER read any of this. Lmao.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:35pm

  508. 508: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    The guy I met at the dance party called tonight and made plans for tomorrow to go to the museum and then a nice quiet dinner. I used one feeling message that he liked. He laughed and said it’s nice that I sound excited and I said I feel excited when he laughs.

    It’s all good, I accepted a sat night date, but I’m not really into him. Oh well

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:35pm

  509. 509: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    What is LMAO?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:41pm

  510. 510: Evan Marc KatzNo Gravatar says:

    Actually, EMK says that a guy should ALWAYS pay during courtship. But since very few men read what I write, the smart thing for a woman to do is reach for the check and hope that he’s smart enough to “insist” on picking it up himself. If not, split it graciously and try not to judge him. It’s usually a crime of ignorance, not malice.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:41pm

  511. 511: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Any thoughts on post #507 anyone?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:43pm

  512. 512: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    EMK

    Thank you for your input. The way I see it is if I choose to pay, I just do it. Most of the time I’m not even thinking about it, smiling, playing with my purse while he is taking care of the cheque.

    When I want to treat him, I get upset if he ‘insists’ that I don’t;) In general, I allow men to spend significantly more money on me than I spend on them.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:53pm

  513. 513: KSNo Gravatar says:

    #517
    Laugh my a$$ off. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 7:56pm

  514. 514: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a gfriend who is dating a guy who makes a lot more money than she does. She was using the same technique: she would reach out for the cheque with hte hope that he would insist to pay. He didn’t:) she was sooo upset with him and yet every time they’d go out she would do the same. She wanted to push him to the extreme, so that he feels the shame and doesn’t let her pay. But he didn’t feel the shame:)

    Once she paid for their vacation plane tickets to the middle east – over $2.5K and suggested that he pays for dinners and hotels over there. But he travels a lot for work and has thousand of ‘points’, so practically didn’t spend money on their hotels at all. And food there was extremely cheap. So she spends a lot of money and she is quite unhappy about it. He is a good guy otherwise and they are still together, but I was always puzzled how she offers to pay and then resents it.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:00pm

  515. 515: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    KS

    Thanks:)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:00pm

  516. 516: KSNo Gravatar says:

    #507,
    Jeannette,
    I am probably the last person who should be giving advice but I will try to help. If I could go back….I would believe that he is not stepping up to offer more, and give him LOTS of time and space to miss me. Easier said than done though. Sigh…..

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:00pm

  517. 517: LovelyNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette: about 507, I am sorry that you have this ex on your mind. I think you did the right thing and the brave thing to tell him that you did not want to communicate as friends.

    I would imagine he is thinking of you. Just know it will get better and your are free to find the right one. Or if he is right for you, he won’t let you go so easily.

    Try to change to thinking of your next love and imagine how you want to feel there.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:06pm

  518. 518: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #447 Lucy said
    “You have to give up the Wanting before you can get to the Having.

    But what’s the point of Having it if you no longer Want it?

    Maybe this is a transition stage. Maybe when I really learn to let go of all Wanting, the man I am meant to Have will just show up. And I won’t Want him — I will just Have him and be glad of it. ???????”

    Wow, this is very profound to me… I do believe that the act of “wanting” a thing keeps it from us…

    I’ve said for years that the Universe has a tendency to give us exactly what we want about 2 weeks after we stop wanting it…

    But like your comment.. .How does this look? What does it look like to not want what you want so that the wanting it doesn’t keep it away?

    Say that 3 times fast…lol
    PG

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:06pm

  519. 519: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka

    I feel he just suggested to meet because i told him I was going back to dating again. He did not gave a specific time or date during the weekend. l did not contact him today to ask him. he sent me a few texts asking how I was doing, but did not mention if we were meeting.

    I am assuming that he wanted me to closed other options and keep me hanging. I told him that we can leave things alone if he is not interested in me, but he act so ambivalent. He keeps saaying “you are mine!!” But am I his object? something he can used then toss around? I made so many things clear with him andf he says he wants what I want, but his actions lately are telling me something different. We have not seen each other in 2 weeks. He has not initiate anything and I am getting so many invitations from other men.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:07pm

  520. 520: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette,

    Yes, I feel the same for #507 as KS.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:09pm

  521. 521: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Sweetpea, that feels great to read. :) DE, so glad your son survived his cancer. That must have been so scary as a mom. Jeannette, I don’t know what to think of his note – I felt frustrated reading it… like, what the heck?? Maybe if Evan is still reading he can give you a man’s take on it…. <3

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:10pm

  522. 522: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel,
    Wow, you are my siren hero of the day. It appears you are handling this exactly as you should. That part ALWAYS gets me. When their words are so sweet yet the actions don’t match. And I so badly want to believe the words. But for me that has NEVER worked. Keep doing just what you are. And accept those invitations! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:13pm

  523. 523: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel,

    What kind of an agreement do you guys have about meeting up this weekend? If it is like you are saying, nothing precise – then I feel it’s the right move to accept another date.

    Plus you see that once you’ve let him know you are considering others, he is a bit more attentive. Curious of how he would react if he sees that you did not wait for him and went on with other plans this weekend:) -?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:14pm

  524. 524: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Evan Marc

    I dont reach for the check ever. I out girl him. When he touches it, either he pays for it or he can ask me about it. I might reach in my purse but 99% I the man has always paid. I also ask about leaving a tip. Right now I am in a long term relationship. He spends a lot on nice dinners and never ask me for anything. I am not unemployed but I try and leave a tip. Sometimes he tells me no but I always try to. He has a double hip replacement and cant bend. I noticed the linoleum in his kitchen was all nicked up and I got down on my hand and knees and replaced the bad tiles because he couldnt. It came out beautifully. We try and help each other.

    Loveiseverywhere: if a guy says:

    “Why are you talking that way? You sound weird.” You say calmly and firmly. “It is not weird. It is how I feel.” Thats all. Then go off and do something else or if he insists. you repeat that calmly. Look at him like you are amazed he would try and persuade your feelings are weird.

    “And is it customary to give your phone number before it’s asked for?” NO. Those that are truly interested will ask. Dont you dare ask a man for his phone number. You are worth being asked.

    And when a guy says “We should get drinks sometime.” and I’d rather get coffee first… keep it low key… day time etc. How do I suggest this or communicate this without planning… etc. Is it too male to say: I’d prefer grabbing coffee for our first meeting.” ??? Nope you had it right the first time. Put on your sweetest smile and say “I’d rather get coffee first.” Dont say grab. While are you smiling a sweet smile? Because you are asking for what you want. If a man keeps saying sometime, look at your watch and ask “what time is sometime?” You are not a horse that shows up at a trough just because it hears water being poured in. You are a woman that deserves to have a man declare the time to meet you. Circular date and keep those times filled up.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:32pm

  525. 525: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer I only multi in the first year of the relationship and then it dies off to well, just regular everyday fare. But thats okay. Fireworks are awesome but stars come out every night all year round. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:35pm

  526. 526: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette:

    Dear Marvin:

    So if you are not looking to be just friends and I am not looking to just be friends then it would be appropriate for us to say what we are looking for. Maybe we are on the same page after all. I am looking for a man that wants me to be his forever girl, a wife, ask him to share a life, move to where he is etc…..

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:41pm

  527. 527: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    FemWmn – I’ve heard from Pam, have a post to do on my blog about her creative process and just have to find the time to get it up – she’s good!

    Knock – are you ummmm even more beautiful than me??? cuz I think I messaged you on Facebook – yeah, it adds a 3 dimensionality to see us on there, I like it! And yeah, if I google jlinaangel I find all my posts on tarot.com and it’s just….weird!!

    SLV – hope you come back soon and wondering if you saw my post of how to be the bomb at dating??

    Meemee….hugs!

    and Brenda! lmao….I used the wasp spray thing on second job interview today….

    so, here’s the scoop:

    Gawd I HATE job interviews…almost the exact same questions as the other one!! Just like making shit up to tell stories to illustrate answers and being JUDGED the whole time!!!

    But with the odd addition of are you allergic to fresh cut grass or dust – well, yeah, actually I am…so I paused, but my answer was gonna be No no matter what – I was just thinking why are you asking me that??? I hope they don’t think I’m going to clean the trailers???

    And it was on skype which was messing up…. but we got to see each other for maybe 30 seconds…just nerve wracking…and then there’s a young 25 ish boy going in after me – if they hire him, well they can have what they deserve.

    So nothing settled, just exhausting, and didn’t hear on the other one either – Blah!!!

    But if this one comes through with split hours, it’ll be very cool – although she totally wants me to live there – ugh…one of the reasons current girl can’t get down and dirty!

    Hooray for wasp spray…..

    makes me look MUCH less dangerous!!!

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:45pm

  528. 528: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella…i will wait to celebrate next week when i can really enjoy it! :) i have a certification this weekend and have to be ready for anything…

    Jeanette…sounds like this man just floated on down the river….((((hugs))) (that’s lot’s of hugs squared ;)

    thanks EMK for the clarification :)

    Mel…dang it! i’m not sure if this has already been said but Rori left town and got herself a motel room and left (not sure how long)…but would you feel better doing something like that?? if you lived close to me i would take you out so you could have fun without him! :)

    LG…thanks for the Byron Katie posts…have you heard of Brainsync with kelly howell?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:46pm

  529. 529: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    @Alonka

    Yes, I know…he is funny. He said I really want to see you this weekend. How sunday sound for you? I siad I have a dance show and I already gave my word to my group. Then he goes well friday night may be good or we can do it Saturday I will let you know.

    So he thinks that I have all these options just for him. If he contact me in the morning to confirm, I will tell him…”Sorry but I did not have a confirmation from you earlier, so I made other plans” even if it just me dating myself.
    I Have to stop being so available to men, I have the desperate nice vibe right now and I sense he can see it.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:48pm

  530. 530: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    What is the wasp spray?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:54pm

  531. 531: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad.
    I feel lonely.
    I feel “cold.”
    I miss P.
    I still want him.
    I feel hurt.
    I feel used.
    I want affection.
    I need attention.
    I feel like a scared little girl.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:54pm

  532. 532: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    yay Alonka…i hope you have fun tomorrow night..no matter what :)

    hey Jacqueline :) hope you get the job you want…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:55pm

  533. 533: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Confuzzled Cookie 539

    I feel everything you feel too…I had a talk with a guy I adored last night and the talk confirmed that I was hoping for a relationship with him that would never happen…felt very used, hurt, alone, scared…
    I still feel that way. You never feel that void as much as when you’re hurting. Hang in there. We’ll both be okay.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:00pm

  534. 534: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Love is everywhere:

    Did you figure out good speech for last minute man?

    You might when he texts you too late:

    Say: I cant

    Him: WHY?!

    Say: Its too short notice.

    He might argue. You just stick to that. Its too short notice. It just too short notice.

    If he keeps pushing you just say: I’m sorry!! I already have something planned. There is always next time with you. I gotta run, BYE

    He will grumble a lot but thats a good sign. When they grumble they are paying attention. He will probably start calling earlier. He will be rewarded with your the sweet smile in your voice or happy text.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:00pm

  535. 535: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks! Jilly – I don’t even know if I want it with that much conflict and drama, now I’m conflicted – and who says such awful stuff anyway? Just seems like a very negative environment – but, sigh, I need the money and maybe I can make it better?!!

    …and Nanceen…Brenda posted that wasp spray is much more effective than mace, works like 20′ away and no one finds it threatening to see sitting around – it’s a brilliant idea actually and yeah, it’s probably much more politically correct than just tasering her would be!

    I’m just emotionally wrung out – two intense job interviews this week…and probably massaging tomorrow…so going to chill but hope all of you find something fabulous and joyful this weekend!

    xo
    J

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:03pm

  536. 536: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel:

    Wow…u situation with this guy reminds me of Rori’s suggestion and blog “Fake it till u make it”>…

    in this case, u sure must be busy if he contacts u again…even if is a “fake” busy…

    “oh, so sweet of u to ask me out tonite…but, gosh, I already made other plans…:( ”
    and he may say:
    “oh, really? I didn’t expect that…! ”

    U stay quiet…let him continue…and let him fill in the space “where u going?”…

    U answer: “Visiting with some friends…”
    He: “What friends?”..
    U: “I don’t feel good sharing about my personal business…we are not in a committed relationship…:( “…
    “Oh, I see… well maybe next time, have fun…”
    U: “It feels good to hear u say that :) …Thank u darling :)

    And from this …u build on…:)

    What do u think? LOL

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:03pm

  537. 537: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomarie…you sound much better tonite! I hope it’s because of the great support you’ve found here..and it will get better….believe in the process and hugs….

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:08pm

  538. 538: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @545 Jacqueline

    I don’t feel as bad. Thanks for noticing. :) I’m struggling with myself because if I log onto yahoo messenger now I know I will find the banker there. But I have a feeling I’m not suppose to be talking to him right now. I might blurt something out to embarrass myself. Or worse, I will have to act like everything is okay. So I am fighting to stay off of yahoo.
    I hope your interview went well and you get the job(s). :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:14pm

  539. 539: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Lercomarie #541

    I’m not enjoying this silent treatment.
    *shakes head in disbelief*
    I refuse to believe that he is just as terrible as K.
    Because he is nothing like him!
    *deep breathe*

    You’re right.
    We’re gonna be just fine.
    I had a nice CD last night, am talking with other prospective CD’s, and look at me now, sulking.

    *rereads the entire previous blog entry Rori made*
    You Can’t “Prove” To A Man That You’re Open By Chasing After Him — So Then What To Do?

    “If he was for YOU, he simply wouldn’t go away no matter what you did or said.

    Except for this: Your neediness as evidenced by how much you still WANT him – and that’s what has to go.

    You can do anything you want as long as it’s a lesson for you – and not about GETTING HIM BACK.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:17pm

  540. 540: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Lercomari! can’t you hide those update thingys? yahoo is kind of hard to avoid. But yes, you do sound much better and yes, Rori advises this in the walk away – you physically turn around and walk away from the room, the convo whatever and turn your attention to what feels good.

    There’s a girl who used to post here too – and she has an ebook The No Contact Rule and her blog/website is called Baggage Reclaim…

    sigh…so if you’re really ready, yep, that book will definitely keep you from doing it…smile…

    but just leaning back is the first and greatest tool…and it sounds like you’re doing that!

    I’m glad!

    g’nite everyone,

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:20pm

  541. 541: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gingersky,

    RE: #443 – Thank you!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:27pm

  542. 542: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    RE: #445 – I know, it sucks sometimes. In the path you are following, you will still be the sole provider.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:29pm

  543. 543: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    SIRENS,

    I’m considering leaving. At least for a while. Wow, should I insert “It’s not you; it’s me” here? Seriously, I need to move forward and forget about Adam. I’m not doing a good job at this putting him on my horse thing. On paper, it looks like it. I haven’t leaned forward to him or pursued him, but we all know how I feel. That’s the authentic truth. The truth is that you all have given amazing advice, and I’m not a good listener.

    I appreciate everyone here, and I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships. But right now, I feel too triggered when I read this blog. The final straw was tonight when my male friend told me responding to Adam’s FB LIKE by mirroring back one to him showed Adam that I accept crumbs.

    It sucks that I waited a few days to respond to Adam. Not out of strategy, but to truly vibe check myself and make sure I knew what my authentic self would feel instead of what my ego would think. Ok, and also with much additional neurotic checking in with you all.

    But I’m just not good at this. At least right now. And I’m going to see if not coming here will help me move forward.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:30pm

  544. 544: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,
    I hate to see you go. Don’t worry about still thinking of him. I still think of toxic man daily and it’s been a few months. You will let him go in your own time. We will be here if you decide to return. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:37pm

  545. 545: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    Good job on your interviews! That’s awesome that the wasp spray idea came in useful! Who would have guessed??

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:37pm

  546. 546: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Kaitlyn))),

    Sorry to see you go. Best wishes!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:39pm

  547. 547: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I feel sad to see you go, but I respect your decision if you truly want to try some time away.

    If you feel you would like to contact me, you can at confuzzledxxcookie@yahoo. This goes for you, any, and every wonderful woman here.

    Your presence will be greatly missed.
    I wish you the best of luck.

    Much love,
    Rissa

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:41pm

  548. 548: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Bren! The wasp spray is a really great idea…and I’m so glad you shared it. And now I’m really hoping the “other” job calls on Monday – all that ewww feeling is bubbling up as I wrote about it…

    but I’m trusting G*d to put the correct choice in my path –

    funny, two things I’ve always wanted to do – rent mfg. homes and be an activities director – so I hope the universe clearly shows me which will lead to my happiness and be most of service to people, you know?

    ((Hugs))
    J

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:42pm

  549. 549: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lercomari))),

    Re: #454 – You said, “Today I looked myself in the mirror and gave myself a hug, and kissed my arm.”

    That’s beautiful…

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:45pm

  550. 550: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    I’m being considered for a part time live in position at a day camp! It would be year around, but the camp is just in the summer. I’d have 51 acres and a swimming pool! I hope I get it!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:48pm

  551. 551: KSNo Gravatar says:

    CC,
    Sorry you are feeling so bad. I was feeling lots of those things today too. Gonna get a pen & paper before bed & riff it out.
    And thanks for your yogi tea well wish. It was a great suprise & made my night. :)
    This will pass quickly for you. You are beautiful in your picture but also beautiful on the inside-you are in pain but reach out to touch someone elses life. You are a true siren.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:52pm

  552. 552: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn…i get it…i’ve taken lots of breaks from the blog…sometimes it helps just to do your own thing…and then things happen and you come back and then leave…it feels good to me to do that

    i’ve tried the Rori way and then gone and done my way…then back to the Rori way until now it feels like i’ve found me within all of it…

    hope we see ya back here sometime! :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:53pm

  553. 553: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    ConfuzzledCookie 547:
    You Can’t “Prove” To A Man That You’re Open By Chasing After Him — So Then What To Do? “If he was for YOU, he simply wouldn’t go away no matter what you did or said. Except for this: Your neediness as evidenced by how much you still WANT him – and that’s what has to go.You can do anything you want as long as it’s a lesson for you – and not about GETTING HIM BACK.”
    Thank you for reposting this. I’ve done all thrown myself at the feet of my banker. I’ve leaned waaayy forward in the past and I won’t do it anymore. I like the last sentence especially. I will take care of myself, not try to get him back.

    @Jacqueline 548
    I turned off the auto login for yahoo messenger, so i actually have to type in my username and password. So I can actually think about it before I log in. So far I haven’t made an attempt. Just thinking about him. Thanks for the book recommendation. Sleep tight. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:54pm

  554. 554: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    yay Brenda! a swimming pool?? i hope you get it :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:55pm

  555. 555: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    (((@Brenda)))) 557

    Thanks, I always appreciate your hugs. :) I have to hug and kiss myself in the mirror more often. Until I become totally comfortable with receiving affection from me.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:57pm

  556. 556: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    RE: #461 – You said, “That’s hoe it works Mel. You’ve been working on shifting your energy, and he feels this and responds.
    YAY.”

    I love the typo! ;-)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:59pm

  557. 557: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Calling all Sirens. POOL PARTY AT BRENDA’S PAD!
    Lol. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 9:59pm

  558. 558: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    KS,

    You’re very welcome. I’m glad to hear it. :)

    Your words touched my heart. Thank you. Wow… I don’t know what else to say other than simply that. I appreciate your heartfelt kindness.

    xo

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:00pm

  559. 559: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari…welcome to the blog :) glad you are feeling better…good job on letting go of the oars (not messaging him)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:01pm

  560. 560: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    awh…hell ya!! i’m there lol…that would be soo fun!!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:02pm

  561. 561: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly,

    What? Are you referring to my enjoyment of skinny dipping as a mermaid? :-)

    Lercomari,

    YW! One thing I do is look in the mirror and say, “I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.”

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:03pm

  562. 562: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Jilly 567

    Thanks for the welcome Jilly. I’m feeling a bit better. Slowly moving forward.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:04pm

  563. 563: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda!! Absolutely!! lol…just sayin’ ;)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:05pm

  564. 564: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda,

    The comments always update faster than I can keep up…lol. But that’s a good idea. I’ll start doing that.

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:05pm

  565. 565: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    KS,

    RE: #565 – LOL! Hey, IF I get the live-in position, you are certainly all invited! :lol:

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:06pm

  566. 566: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I love skinny-dipping! LOL! Now that I’ve posted that publicly, I’ll have to be careful who of you I invite! LOL! If you get a vendetta against me, you’ll send naughty men in to spy on me in the moonlight!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:08pm

  567. 567: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,
    Instead of your man rowing to you in the ocean he will be rowing toward your skinny dippin siren self in the pool!!!!!
    :) :) :) :) :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:09pm

  568. 568: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda,

    Sirens are more exotic in the nude anyway…just look at all of Peter Paul Rubens’ paintings. :)

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:11pm

  569. 569: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    KS and Lercomari…

    LOL! :lol:

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 10:16pm

  570. 570: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks to you all who asked about Pam – and I posted some of the art she hand picked for us – with her interview at http://liveyourdreamblog.com/2011/03/12/pam-montgomery/

    Of course, I want to post her mermaid picture too – our private shout out!! So, I’ve asked her…and hope to have it soon.

    Sweet dreams, all sirens!

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:32pm

  571. 571: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    RE: #366 – I felt confused when I saw you angry, and I read thru the related posts. All I see was someone enjoying your wonderful sense of humor. I didn’t see any humor in your wasp comment – you asked me where to get it – and probably the answer is anywhere: WalMart, Home Depot, K-Mart, grocery stores. Maybe she found humor in your comment about “Hmmm, will there be cherry pie for lunch? :D” or in #277 – “I’m all that and a piece of pie”? I thought they were funny. I don’t see where Ladybird or FemWoman meant you any harm. What do you think?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:36pm

  572. 572: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    My kitty just accidentally hit the “Enter” button, and the blog told me, “Please enter a comment.” So I guess I better +
    fo+++++++++++++++++++++llow directions. Miss Kitty just added those plus signs to verify. And now she has a comment for each beautiful Siren here…

    “I Am Loved”

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:43am

  573. 573: SheriNo Gravatar says:

    Last December I met a young man on a dating site..he is from the U.K. and I am American. He seemed to fall fairly quickly for me which caused me to put up the walls of protection we so often use in such cases..but he was persistent and after time I agreed to give him a go. I must say, that although we have not met in the flesh, he is a total breath of fresh air, We have been in constant contact ever since and I plan to see him in the near future..the “only” problem I see is that Peter is 20 years my junior, has only briefly dated two “girls” in his life and insists that I am the “one” he has been looking for, at 32 yrs of age..is he old enough to know that I am what he wants? I have never met anyone as pure and wholesome as he is..very truthful and trusting,just an all around “nice” guy! I am falling for him and all seems good except the age difference? Do you have any advice for me on this matter? I am new to your site and enjoy it very much Roni! Thank you for your time and attention. ~S~

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 2:15am

  574. 574: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly:

    “LG…thanks for the Byron Katie posts…have you heard of Brainsync with kelly howell?”

    No, but I just checked her website and I feel intrigued. Do you use any of her products?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 2:54am

  575. 575: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen and Jeanette:

    re 534

    Yes! That is awesome! Perfect!

    Jeanette, how would you feel writing that?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:00am

  576. 576: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy:

    I wonder if the reason things come to us after we give up on them is because by giving up, we release the resistance we had that was keeping them away in the first place.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:06am

  577. 577: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone remember a saying that goes something like…

    Before you can marry the One
    you must be able to marry anyone

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:08am

  578. 578: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone remember a saying that goes something like…

    Before you can marry the One
    you must be able to marry anyone

    Does anyone remember the exact saying and where it comes from?

    Xoxo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:10am

  579. 579: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. Been practicing And living. Heart and adrenaline. I like it peaceful. I like it adventure.

    Thank you Daria for taking me home right now.

    Thank you for getting me water and eating a kiwi.

    Thank you for really leaning back and not even asking for stiff today yay!

    And for speaking up for you and also CDing guys in the room.

    Freaking getright man said to get out his bed when I gave him speech that I want him to go down on me before sex.

    I did and went and cuddled w another handsome man in the living room. The other mam said getright seemed mad in the morning… But it passed.

    Getright has ‘issues’ lol. Maybe I do. Practicing expressing . Practicing being w the anxiety and leaned back no anticipation.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 4:10am

  580. 580: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Banker,

    During the night, it’s hard for me not to think of you. I remember the time right before I left Ghana, we were laying on your bed, watching a movie. My head was in your lap and your hand curled around mine…we knew it would be the last time we saw each other for a long time. We touched and talked and laughed and made love for the first time that day. My arms were around your neck and you were looking into my eyes when you told me you felt the same about me as I did about you. I remember it all vividly. Later on we had lunch and took a bus back to town. The time came for us to part ways. You looked into my eyes, smiled and said good bye, then I watched you disappear down the busy street.
    That day is always at the forefront of my mind…everything shifted that day. But even more important than that day, are the many memories we made before that day. Every text message, email, phone call, each lunch date, each evening spent sitting on a bench and merely talking and keeping each other company…each moment was a tile in the mosaic that made up our friendship. It blossomed over the months, until finally it turned into love…and now I am brokenhearted over you.
    The sound of your voice, your gorgeous smile, your chiseled body, your witty sense of humor, your way of always knowing when I was down and doing your damnedest to cheer me up…I miss all of that. I think, why oh why you stupid man…why couldn’t you have done the right thing and recognized that I was the one for you. Why didn’t you call me your own? Why didn’t the thought of me getting on a plane and flying away from you break you to the point where you dropped to your knees and begged me to stay?
    But if I am honest with myself…I know that you NOT choosing me is just as significant as if you had chosen me. Because now I know where your loyalty really lies. All of those tiles in our mosaic…they weren’t’ enough for you to give your heart to me. But I’ll always have those tiles. I’ll keep them tucked away at the back of my memory, until a day when it’s not to painful to take them out and reminisce.
    I’ll always love you, Banker. You’ve taught me an important lesson about love. And I accept you as my teacher. But I mourn you as my friend. Our friendship was so unique and special. I wish it could have lasted. I think it’s okay if I pause a bit now. To stop and rest and recover from you. Before I continue on my journey to being truly fulfilled. With or without you. I wish you well in all you do, and I hope you never break another heart again.

    Love sincerely,

    Lercomari

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 4:47am

  581. 581: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari

    Your letter is beautiful. I feel that you are on the right path to healing. Thanks for posting it here. Your banker is probably wondering these days what’s up with you;) Haha he deserved it!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:02am

  582. 582: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie,

    Yes we all have weaker moments dear. When it all seems so cold and unfair. when we wish we could fix it, it seems so easy to make it right. And it’s true, but with the right guy;) Just think – how you would feel if you get this kind of treatment from a friend, not romantic friend? You’d probably just shrug and think – what’s that all about? Why be so cold? Whatever his problem is, I have other stuff to think about. And you go and live your life, because it’s the only one you are really responsible for. That’s what we are all trying to do here:)

    Warm hugs!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:10am

  583. 583: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Well he did not contact me, so I assume we are not meeting. Why does he need to keep me hanging? Why just not say that he is not interested, or not ready to give me what I want?

    I will at least repect him for his honesty, I wont break or die. I need to move one and CD like crazy, I am afraid to admit he is wasting my time. We were very close before and he was so into me. Now he is just playing games.

    Next time he sais “you are mine” I will tell him just because we had sex that does not mean I belong to you; You have to get into my heart not into my cervix. lol Maybe I wont say anything, but I need to let this feeling out.

    Bye Bye “D” I need to finds him…The one who I really belong to ;)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:25am

  584. 584: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 501

    Awwwww, thank you for the well wishes and hug, LG.

    I feel happy its the weekend and I can rest and care for myself without my work responsibilities weighing on me. And #1 Guy (son) is so incredibly sweet.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:29am

  585. 585: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    ‘I Have to stop being so available to men, I have the desperate nice vibe right now and I sense he can see it.’

    I know I feel this way sometimes too. Not so much as ‘being available’ for men, but just as of being nice and treating everyone with kindness. But I don’t think it’s ‘desperate’. It’s only desperate in the sense of wanting to do ‘the right thing’ in your relationships with people. And I don’t think it’s bad. But I guess the trick is to respond with kindness to their attention and affection. If a guy keeps you wondering, if you feel upset and not cared for enough, it’s time to trust it and be loyal to yourself in the first place (well, that’s what we always have to do), but definitely not to him! Put yourself first, put yourself first, put yourself first ;P

    Yes, teach him how to treat you;)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:33am

  586. 586: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 591 Luzydel how about “I need more emotionally, my heart is longing for connection”?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:34am

  587. 587: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    591: Luzydel

    I’m not sure where you are or what time zone you are in but when he contacts you, you are BUSY.

    I thought I read that you had other CD’s wanting to date you. Accept them, date and have fun.

    There is ever an excuse for poor manners. Asking a woman out and then not confirming when and where is rude and in extremely poor taste.

    This is one of my boundaries…and it makes me feel triggered. lol

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:36am

  588. 588: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 588 Lercomari

    What do you expect to achieve with the letter?

    IMHO it is too long. It also begins with suggesting to him that you are always thinking of him. Are you sure you just don’t want to tell him you miss him? Don’t you think he remembers those details of your relationship?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:37am

  589. 589: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    #596: My impression was that Lercomari did not intend to send this letter. She just expressed herself for herself as of writing this last letter and sharing it as one of the stages of letting go.

    I thought her intention was never to contact him again.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:41am

  590. 590: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 588 Lercomari

    I believe the letter is beautiful but I am a woman and it might appeal to women but I am not sure it would a man. Many are clueless about emotions. I feel you in the letter but am not convinced he would feel you. You express your feelings well IMHO and my understanding of what Rori teaches is that it is best to tell him, using your feelings and your emotions so that he feels your vibe. IMHO calling him stupid might be the only thing he remembers or focusses on in the letter. Is that all you want him to remember of you? It seems like a character attack. Are you sure that is what you want to do?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:41am

  591. 591: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka that maybe but it is also good if she evaluates what she is thinking, feeling and writing in the event she will need to do it in person if he contacts her. If that is the way she is feeling and thinking it will then find a way to fall out of her mouth and her vibe. What we focus on is what expands. It is best to focus on the things that worked and the good, juicy feelings so she can express that in the moment.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:44am

  592. 592: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 591 Luzydel maybe in his mind he will just not do it because he does not want to hurt your feeling. Maybe he is hoping you figure it out?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:46am

  593. 593: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    #599: You are so right. Often I myself focus on what hurts the most and communicate only that part. I haven’t learned how to shift this yet. Really don’t know how to do this.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:47am

  594. 594: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    #600: This maybe it, but with the guy in question I feel it’s more of him trying to give the bare minimum to keep her hanging. He can’t let her walk away on him. Is he trying to convince himself that she is ‘his’ lol?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:56am

  595. 595: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 551 kaitlyn

    It is sad to see you go but I have to say it is showing that you are committed to try something different and to really pay attention and work on yourself. I hope you find something to fill the time that you spent on the blog so that when you come back you will have something new and interesting to talk about. That will definitely translate into your vibe and get launched into the universe. It is great to see that you are focussing on your thinking and how you come across. It is a wake up call to yourself and I am convinced you will come out stronger and more positive.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:56am

  596. 596: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 602 He could be trying to convince himself but hanging around, waiting and accepting crumbs would help. Guys want to treasure and cherish us and they can only do that when we do that for ourselves.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:58am

  597. 597: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 507 Jeannette I feel he is being sincere. I also think he will follow your lead and do whatever you want. I am not sure I would have contacted saying not communicate anymore. It is LDR and leaning back to zero would have allowed him to do what he wants. If he kept contacting you saying “I feel confused. My heart longs for you when I hear from you and it really hurts.” In other words just expressing how you feel would have left the door open for him to decide to stop contacting you or to step up. By telling him not to communicate is telling him “you” are choosing to close the door to him. Having said that I will also say I told one not to call me at the beginning of this year. He has called me twice. He was careful to let me understand that he had deleted my number because he had to call a mutual friend to get the number. Last time I saw him he was staring as if he was still attracted and actually kissed me on the cheek. The pulling away could possibly create greater attraction.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:12am

  598. 598: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 498 Mel can I spin this around for you?

    This is him showing you that you are dependent on him for your happiness. It sucks I know but you know what you had plans that you could have gone back to without him. When he called you could have chosen to say “sorry to hear you will be stuck at work but I am going out to enjoy myself”. I have read a case where a man was jealous of his wife being able to stay home while he had to go to work all the time. In the meantime the wife was jealous of him because she was stuck at home. Neither of them knew what the other was feeling. You will have to lead by letting him know how you feel. No attack, no blaming. Just use the opportunity to say “I appreciate how hard you work but I feel angry. I feel jealous of your job because spending quality time together is important to me.” In the meantime always put your heart and your happiness first regardless of what he does. How you handle these moments can help him to fall more deeply in love with you. You are an adult and he might be expecting you to take care of yourself. I had one guy said to me “you are a big girl”. I felt insulted at first but then I agreed with him and started to go taking care of myself especially when he stood me up. The next thing I know when I got out from bowling I had missed calls and texts checking to find out where I was and what time we could meet. Rori encourages us to still find a way to cd even when married. You can do it.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:22am

  599. 599: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 498 Mel I also believe his initial reaction was a lesson to you that yes you can influence him. Yes you can help him to learn how to treat you. However, think of it as a process and that he will not get it right the first time around. We all have patterns of behavior and he will fall back into his normal pattern until he learns. It will take time, patience and reinforcement from you. He is your husband and you know he is not perfect. Each time do it like it is the first time you are doing it but keep reinforcing how you want to be treated by treating yourself that way. He will eventually get it and you will get to see if does not have the ability and if it is his wall or if he can do it. If he can’t then you have to decide how you want to live your life. If you are worth it do it for yourself. That is what I am doing.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:27am

  600. 600: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV Hope you woke up feeling better today and ready to start a new day. Hope you are physically and emotionally alright. I long to see and feel you here. I also hope you are enjoying the material you are reading.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:30am

  601. 601: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Sheri,

    RE#581

    Welcome to the site. That’s great that you have met a new friend who feels like a breath of fresh air. Having had experience with a long term relationship with a significant age gap (mine was 13 years), I can tell you that there are some obstacles to overcome in this area.

    BUT-the main thing here is that you haven’t even met in person yet. You are putting the cart before the horse to worry about anything else until you meet in person. Here on this site, most of us generally believe that it is an imaginary relationship if it long distance and/or you haven’t met yet. In your case, you have both issues PLUS and age gap issue.

    Try not to see this as a relationship, but a chance to practice the tools and find out what your boundaries are. I’m not saying you have to give up your friendship with this man, but until you have met in person and have a ring on your finger (or it’s at least on the table with plans to move to be together, you should see him only as ONE of many men you interact with on a daily basis.

    I once had a younger email “pen pal” I corresponded with for over a year. I developed “real” feelings for him, even though we never met in person. I finally realized that if he wasn’t willing to step up and even meet me in person, it wasn’t a real relationship. I cried the day I told him I wouldn’t be contacting him anymore. The truth is, he had no intention of having a real relationship with an older woman who lived halfway across the country. He was just bored and lonely and having fun.

    I know it FEELS real, but it isn’t.

    If he’s not in front of you, he’s not real….

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:48am

  602. 602: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Just read a response from Craig who was so busy working on his presentation when I called:
    Hi,

    Yes, either will be good im looking forward, and I’m sorry I got so involved in work.. My presentation went well.

    Craig

    I took out the ‘rain annoying part’ and asked whether Sat or Sun 11am to noon would work for him for a conversation:)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:00am

  603. 603: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 610 Congrats. Did you check out Boomer’s Google Voice comments.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:06am

  604. 604: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    ‘Guys want to treasure and cherish us and they can only do that when we do that for ourselves.’

    Frankly, these days I’m inconveniencing myself not to cross paths with this guy who broke up with me recently. Both his work and his home are in the way where I normally walk and I have to walk around to stay away from running into him. Partially because I don’t feel strong inside about what to do/say if I see him accidentally. I really want to feel inside that I cherish myself and I want to be real. Still thinking that being polite, brief and walking away first is the best approach if that happens. What do you think?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:10am

  605. 605: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks every one for you comments, they are really helpful. I feel he does like me, but for some reason I am not letting him feel/think I am worth the effort.

    If he was not interested he will not chase me when I lean back. I just give in too soon and accept crumbs. I need to teach him how to treat me and that is setting boundaries, and making myself the price that he has to win. I had two guys suggesting a date this weekend, but I did not confirm beacuse I waited for “d” to tell me if we were meeting (I know big mistake).

    Even if he ends up leaving, this can be a good practice for me to set boundaries and not give in to a man’s charm so easily. I am still in the early stages of siren boot camp; there is so much to learn.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:19am

  606. 606: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I have to figure out how to work through this pattern. 11yearsagoguy has been triggering me big time. Every time I see a call or text from him I feel annoyed and angry. I know why this is. He left me to get back together with his ex wife, and he represents a group of several men who left me to be with other women. The hard, stinging truth is that I have so far NEVER been the one the man chose when it came down to a choice between me and another woman. That hurts and for years made me feel like there was something wrong with me and that other women were always better than me.

    BUT, here’s the kicker. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has come back years later and told me they made a mistake and chose the wrong one! And then tried desperately to get me back. But I felt so much anger and resentment for them I couldn’t even imagine giving any of them a second chance. They just seemed like stupid idiots to me then.

    I really feel like I want to get past being “stuck” in this area. If a man stops calling, I always assume he met another woman and chose her over me. I know ther could be other reasons, but that is always my assumption.

    I know this just means they weren’t the right guys for me and that MY guy would choose me over EVERYTHING, but it just makes me feel so insecure when it has happened to me over and over again.

    I’m well aware that it’s one of Rori’s topics-being a “stepping stone”, and I don’t feel I’m the same person as I used to be, but I just can’t shake that feeling when a CD stops calling that it’s because he chose another woman over me.

    Maybe this is what keeps me from finding something real. Maybe I’m afraid if I let myself get really close to someone, he will just leave me for another woman eventually.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:19am

  607. 607: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @581: Sheri says:
    “..Last December I met a young man on a dating site..he is from the U.K…Do you have any advice for me on this matter?…”

    Two suggestions:
    –Meet him face-to-face before making plans.
    –Don’t send him any money.

    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:24am

  608. 608: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @605: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 507 Jeannette I feel he is being sincere. I also think he will follow your lead and do whatever you want. I am not sure I would have contacted saying not communicate anymore…”

    I’m going to guess that you would, if like Jeannette, you are engaged to be married to another man. I believe that is serious.

    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:45am

  609. 609: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    614:

    LD~

    Holy Hannah, Girl.. How did you get in my head??!!???

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:54am

  610. 610: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I had an awesome time with my GiddyAsASchoolBoy CD last night. When I got to the restaurant he was there with a bouquet of flowers. I thought that was so sweet. And he was so much more handsome than his pictures. He told me he was mesmorized by my eyes and my voice lol. And he called me “sweet pea”. I know some women hate it, but I love it when guys call me pet names. To me it shows they aren’t afraid of romance.

    The only thing was I could barely get a word in edgewise! But I think I have read that this could be because they are nervous (which he didn’t seem to be) or perhaps like a peacock displaying his feathers?

    I received an e-mail from him this morning telling me he had a great time and hopes it wasn’t a “one and done” date, and that he would really like to see me again.

    Everytime I am face-to-face with a man, I forget my Rori tools! No feeling messages, no leaning back in my chair, etc…I hope that once I see my Modern Siren program that I ordered and begin watching that maybe these things will start to become second nature?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:02am

  611. 611: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka being a Rockstar IMHO is not about inconveniencing myself so I wouldn’t. Frankly I understand that we want to be triggered. You are not a bit more aware of yourself. When you see him again it will bring even more awareness of yourself. That being said I would go right along my way wherever I want to with the All That Vibe and spring in my step and be completely surprised if I run into him. If I am not but feel shaky if he engages me in a conversation I would tell him that. It might be scary but is everything in life pleasant? I personally think the problem is if you so desperately want him back that you would humiliate yourself into begging him to come back? I hope you are beyond that because I can’t imagine why you would want a man who told you clearly that he does not want you? In as much as that might not have been fully true he would have to step up big time to show me that in his actions, but that is me.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:02am

  612. 612: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 618 T-Girl it is a process don’t expect second nature immediately. Also get something to remind yourself to at least lean back in your chair, evenif it is a rubber band on your hand or a special ring. Congrats, I think he was nervous and I would recommend going over everything he said to see if he showed you any red flags you might have missed in the moment. They can be very honest on first dates.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:05am

  613. 613: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 616 I am confused I might have missed something. I know she is engaged but it seemed she was secondguessing herself about that.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:07am

  614. 614: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    I have to catch up on the blog again!

    Just stopping in to share a good quote while it’s on my mind. It’s from General Hospital.

    “When you meet a guy that you know you shouldn’t fall for, a guy that you know is all wrong for you, a guy you know you shouldn’t fall in love with, a guy who leaves you breathless and makes you feel things so intensely — run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction, okay?”
    ~Carly 6-28-06

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:14am

  615. 615: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @620 FW

    I have been going through our conversation in my mind, and I so far no red flags. He has a good job, owns a home, is very physically active, seems to be happier with just one woman. I like the choice of restaurant he made and he even ordered for me – no man has ever done that before. I am finding that even though I am a successful, independant woman that I LOVE being treated that way – like the man taking care of the woman.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:19am

  616. 616: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Are any of you familiar with astrology? I wasn’t really much into it until SexyOlderGuy mentioned before we met that his friend told him our signs were compatible. After that I started looking around on the internet to learn more and try to check the compatibility of all my CD’s. I’ve been reading my horoscope lately as well. I’m not finding my horoscopes to come true, but I am finding that the characteristics of my CD’s seem to match their zodiac sign’s characteristics.

    Anyway, I think it is fascinating and wonder if anyone has any good websites to share regarding horoscopes or astrology?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:22am

  617. 617: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LD I am wondering if you are unavailable yourself so you attract unavailable men. What you say about how you feel when they come back suggest that you have hardened your heart and closed it. Rori says we should not close our hearts to anyone because it eventually becomes a problem for us when we eventually meet someone we really want to be open to. As someone who has done that in the past I would focus on me and working on opening my heart, if I were in your position. Keep saying my heart is open until your brain gets it.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:25am

  618. 618: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl check out Carol Allen at and loveisinthestars.com but remember that is not the only barometer to measure compatibility and it could throw you totally off. Also why are you allowing this guy to lead your system of beliefs?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:27am

  619. 619: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    #619: Thank you so much, that was beautiful and very helpful.

    ‘I personally think the problem is if you so desperately want him back that you would humiliate yourself into begging him to come back?’

    No, of course not. I did not do it even when he was breaking up with me. I did not ask him for reasons. I did not tell him I have a really nice Valentine’s gift for him. I was upset and beating myself up for not finishing the conversation sooner or not ‘rejecting him back’ even slightly, but I did not discuss his decision.

    Actually, when he was saying that I should appreciate him calling me about the break up I made a laughing noise for a sec! It was light, not at all sarcastic, I was truly amused;)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:28am

  620. 620: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie

    #622: Or you let him know how you feel ;))

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:29am

  621. 621: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 623 You might wish to journal his conversation to be sure. What did he say about his past relationships? What type of man did he say he was? How many relationships have he had in the past 6 months?? What did he say about his ex? What did he say he was looking for? What did he say that did not match his profile? IMHO it will take at least 3 dates to get a sense of the real person. He must have been doing everything perfect for the first date.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:30am

  622. 622: ConfuzzledCookieNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka,

    Yes, yes, yes!
    Exactly!
    You said it!

    xo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:35am

  623. 623: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @626 FW

    Thanks – I will check out that website.

    I’m not letting him lead my system of beliefs, he just kind of turned me on to something new that I was never familiar with. I think the reason it appeals to me is because it appeals to my “control freak” side lol. I side of me that I have a love/hate relationship.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:36am

  624. 624: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LD How about flipping that? They might need to go out to find out “what a relationship is not to be able to know what a relationship is” . Carrie said something similar in Sex and the City. They could have met other women that helped them to really know what a real good one is and hence them coming back. It might be worthwhile finding out what turned him off from the ex. It might help you realize what you are doing right and to help see your value. I would also work on letting go of that belief. If he left and came back it might be because now he knows he wants to try and stay. He could possibly stay if you are vulnerable, open and available. He could possibly stay if you are worthy. You have to first be convinced of those things so you can choose a man who believes and feels that way about you. I find the guy says it when he feels that way and shows it in his action.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:38am

  625. 625: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow T-Girl “control freak” is a strong description and belief to have of oneself. It feels scary to me and I am wondering how you let guys in on that and what is their reaction? Did you listening in on the Soulmate Summit? Loneplum sent out the mp3s to people’s emails.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:40am

  626. 626: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, control freak is a very strong description of myself, but one that I was never aware of and am dealing with since after my divorce and since I started dating. It is something that I am learning to push down, realizing that I don’t need to have control. I am finding that I like being surprised – I never liked it before. Control is something that is very hard to give up, but I am doing very well in this area, very proud of myself for that.

    Was there a particular topic in Soulmate Summit for this? I listed to only a few of them.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:44am

  627. 627: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @608: Femininewoman says:
    “SLV Hope you woke up feeling better today and ready to start a new day. Hope you are physically and emotionally alright. I long to see and feel you here. I also hope you are enjoying the material you are reading…”

    Thanks for your kind words, well wishes and thinking of me. I think I have caught up on posts. I had very early phone call from sister and we are both reading same book this weekend, we started the Suzanne Somers one and didn’t finish it. Also I’m reading one with Brenda kinda sorta: 4HWW, don’t know if it’s the same one, she didn’t say. AND, yesterday library delivered Arielle Ford’s “Soulmate…” book. AND, I have Project Runway vids.

    And I do want to go out also. I went out this morning for coffee and it’s very springlike. Not my favorite season; for me it’s usually filled with sneezing and skin rashes. But I’m dealing with it: mind over matter, what’s in your mind matters… in other words psyching myself up!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:08am

  628. 628: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I just called this Craig guy and the phone went straight to VM. What is this?? I didn’t leave a message but texted him after, that I just called. that wasn’t a very smart move, I admit. Now I have to wait for him to text back.

    But why is he not picking up if he knows I may call?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:09am

  629. 629: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @636: Alonka says:

    “…But why is he not picking up if he knows I may call?…”

    Hmmm, guys probably don’t hang by the phone, keeping it in hand for us to call…. Maybe he’s in the shower… who knows. I’d probably just send him my phone number….just IMHO.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:15am

  630. 630: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    My plan is to write first, then read and catch up…

    Hope everyone is doing well!

    It seems I have suddenly become a man magnet! :-)

    I went out after work last night for a date with this guy who I’ve known for ages. It was his b.day.

    I have been working on my vibe and was practicing I’m all that, leaning back and being open.

    Wow, I feel so suprised about the results. It is like magic!

    So we met and normally I am not that attracted to him… there is stuff about him that irritates me, however I am giving him a chance.

    Well last night he looked quite hot. Well as I was doing leanback he was literally all over me, to the point where I felt quite overwhelmed.

    I had to tell him at one point that I did not feel comfortable about the level of touching and him being tactile with me.

    I had noticed, from the time I left the office, that all the men who passed me were looking at me, and I mean almost ALL the men who passed.

    And they were kinda looking to the point of staring.

    I used to feel overwhelmed and embarressed when guys used to look at me, but these days I tell myself ‘A Siren gets looked at and its fine!’ and that means that I can take it and actually starting to enjoy it!

    Well in the pub I had a lot of male eyes on me, and I just practiced being open, leaning back and smiling.

    I had noticed this one guy and he was SO HOT! I mean really, really hot in my opinion.

    Well when I came back from the toilet I happened to pass by his table. Well he locked eyes with me and I held eye contact, and smiled.

    I probably only manage to hold eye contact for about 3 seconds… and it always feels like and age! But it seems to do the trick.

    Well anyway we locked eyes and he smiled and then he kept looking over at me.

    If I hadn’t been with a man I believe he would have come over.

    Well then my date wanted to leave and move to another part of town (not bc of the guy). I REALLY wanted the guy to have a chance to talk to me. I considered suggesting we stay there for another drink, and I decided that would be leading, and also having an agenda. Plus I felt it might not be respectful to my date.

    So I thought well if he didn’t come up to me I am a Siren and that is his loss.

    So I put on my coat and as we were leaving he locked eyes with me again and we both smiled.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:16am

  631. 631: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV

    #637: Yes, but we agreed in the email that I will call today or tomorrow 11am to noon. I called at noon almost. I don’t want to give him my number because I don’t like the way he treats the process so far to be honest.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:20am

  632. 632: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    When we reached the next venue the same thing happened with this cute looking guy who was sitting across the table from us.

    He kept looking over at me and smiling.

    I did make sure to stay focused on my date and listened at level 2 and was quite enjoying interacting with him.

    Well when my date went to the toilet the other guy initiated a conversation. He was great and we got on really well.

    Then he got up and came round the table in order to continue talking to me, even though we could hear perfectly well across the table.

    He loves Zumba as well so we were talking about that.

    Then my date came back. He obviously didn’t like it that much that this new guy was here standing by me and he made quick work to assert his presence by moving his chair closer and putting his hand on my leg!

    The other guy went back to his friends.

    Well after a while I went to the toilet and when I came out I was suprised to see the other guy waiting outside the ladies for me.

    He quickly asked if I was single and when I said yes he asked for my number. He said he saw I was on a date and didn’t want to be rude but he thinks I am lovely.

    I gave him my number and he text me later that night!

    He seems nice.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:23am

  633. 633: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah Ella! Man magnet!!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:23am

  634. 634: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @639: Alonka says:
    “… I don’t want to give him my number because I don’t like the way he treats the process so far to be honest…”

    Ok,,, you called…the ball has now slipped to the floor and rolled across the tiles. Let’s see if he picks it up and what he does with it. He can contact you by e-mail, right? I say, IMHO of course, do nothing more and let him take the lead, make a plan, offer you something. Coffee meet?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:29am

  635. 635: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Ella

    Where you the one who posted that article/poem about what real mean/mature men something like that… do? I’ve been trying to find it. Do you remember that? Maybe couple months ago?

    If it was you, could you please re-post. Thanks so much.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:31am

  636. 636: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Later still we went for a meal.

    The restaurant was AMAZING! Really classy and modern.

    We met up with some friends of my date and it was a guy who also had a date with him. Well his date was beautiful. I mean she is stunning.

    She is a dancer so has a nice, slim body, and very pretty. She was really dressed up too!

    Usually I would have felt insecure around a girl like this but last night I said to myself ‘yes, she is beautiful, and so am I! AND I am a Siren which gives me a huge advantage over most women. Plus there is no need to compete’.

    And then I flipped it to thoughts like ‘look at us four, aren’t we all attractive’. And I knew that I was unique and that made me feel good.

    Usually I would respond to situations like this by going into overfunction mode, and try to endear myself or make up for my insecurity by making jokes etc.

    Or by shutting down and becoming closed off and being cold with the woman (awful I know, I don’t mean to!).

    Well this time I decided to stay open and she was really nice and I felt good.

    These days whenever I encounter an attractive woman I endeavour to learn from her about what makes he attractive so that I can use it too.

    We had a lovely dinner and all laughed together and I felt topped up and attractive.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:33am

  637. 637: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    And finally we went to a club, and again loads of male attention, so my date was working extra hard to make sure I only danced with him.

    So lots of fun!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:35am

  638. 638: LovelyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a longdistance cd coming back to town on business. We had tree amazing dates about a month ago. He is coming back next week.

    He suggested that we go away for the weekend to spend some time together. I agreed. But I was thinking that it would be to get to know each other and do not feel ready for sex with him. But I feel he assumes that sex will happen.

    Do I need to explain this before the weekend? I hate feeling pressured. Should I email him about it? Or wait until he calls?

    Can you please help me write a speech?

    I am excited to see you again. I feel like it would be best if I could clarify some things before the weekend. With us really only having spent a little time together, I don’t feel ready to have sex with you. And I felt like I should say something so we are on the same page when you visit. I don’t want to get involved that way unless we agree that this is something long term. What do you think?

    Thank you for your wise words on this blog! I love it and appreciate it so much.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:36am

  639. 639: LovelyNo Gravatar says:

    *three

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:37am

  640. 640: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Sheri,

    RE: #581 – Welcome! I want to think he is pure and honest, but that reeks of scam artist to me. Please be really careful. My first thought is this: did he send you more than one picture?

    I have had more than one Nigerian scammer send a picture not their own, say they are from the UK or say they are from another state in the US but on business in Africa, and lead me on. The ultimate goal is to get money from you. Eventually he would say his son is sick in the UK and can you please send him money for hospital bills or something like that.

    Has he asked for money? What profession does he do? Two of the ones I’ve heard from said they sell art internationally. Do you have any solid proof, other than his word, that he is who he says he is? I would keep your eyes wide open around this one.

    And, I really hope I’m wrong!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:42am

  641. 641: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning Sirens,

    I didn’t sleep well…too much tossing and turning coupled with lots of intense dreams. I am trying to recapture what I dreamed about…can’t yet…:(

    Yesterday morning, I was sharing with u all my concerns about morning txt from Mr. C (Thursday nite date); His txt in the morning triggered me because my mind translated it as polite…and a bit distant…

    This txt brought flashbacks of a prior incident with someone expected me to follow up after our date for which he paid…etc…

    Anyway, I felt uneasy yesterday morning…Going to work my anxiety was steadily but surely increasing.

    I stopped to get some coffee…as I walk to B&N…I reminded myself to take a few deep breaths, unzip my heart…feel the crisp air of the morning…and feel and show appreciation for the morning sunrise…I immediately felt tears…my anxiety was transformed into sadness…loneliness…

    While in line to get coffee…I pondered over whether I should express my concerns to Mr. J…My heart was racing…just at the thought of it…I told myself…well…what would I say that would express how I feel right now? and How would I feel if he doesn’t answer? of if he answers something I don’t like…Is my self-expression attached to his answer???

    No… absolutely not…

    So, I went back to my car and I sent him a txt saying:

    “Gosh, I feel weird saying this, but I sense disappointment in your message…”

    A minute later he responds:

    “U are crazy! U are absolutely wonderful!” and that’s when it hit me…his prior txt lacked the enthusiasm he used to express before meeting one another…”u are amazing”…”i am excited to meet u…etc”

    So, whats my point with this?

    I connected with my feelings
    I feel happy I noticed and practiced my right for self-expression.

    Baby steps….:)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:44am

  642. 642: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding my date he is someone who has wanted to be with me for years and I have always turned him away. ]

    It is weird cus he is a good looking guy and ticks all the boxes.

    But there is stuff about him that really puts me off.

    I noticed last night a few attitudes of his that I am not sure I would be ok with.

    He comes across as slightly homophobic.

    And he was complaining about all the ‘foreigners’ in his part of London.

    This kind of talk always puts me off men.

    On the other hand he is a nice guy and has always treated me really well.

    He is also a bit oversexed for my liking… like he will grab me and do things like pinch my bum, which I am coming to realise I don’t want.

    When I began to assert myself using FMs to get him to back off a bit he changed tack and began calling me names, in a teasing way but I didn’t like it!

    Some of the names were very insulting and I don’t like when people use humour to say these kind of names.

    I kept expressing.

    Also, there is this thing he does where he kinda snorts… like snorts back a load of snot or whatever (sorry ladies! – ewwww!) at the back of his throat.

    And then he wants to kiss me… By that time I am feeling so turned off but have not yet worked out a suitable FM for this one… was still processing the feeling of disgust!

    In the past when he has kissed me I have had such a lack of enthusiasm that I am sure I must have been like a limp lettuce leaf!

    I have no idea why he keeps wanting to kiss me after me being like this, but he does!

    Well last night when he kissed me goodbye I had already determined that just for once I would stay open and let him kiss me properly.

    This was a doubly big deal as I had not cleaned my teeth for ages, whereas he has… but I decided that if he wants to kiss me despite this then who am I to argue.

    So I let him kiss me. I remained soft and melty but I kissed him back and did not pull away. And I let him use tongues (which I don’t normally).

    And the weird thing is I kinda enjoyed it.

    He has very big soft lips (his family are from the Caribbean).

    When I felt overwhelmed I did pull away.

    He looked really pleased!

    Then I left him at the barriers to get my train.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:45am

  643. 643: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh also my date was doing some future talk and referred to me a few times as ‘his lady’.

    And at one point he mentioned the ‘G’ word (girlfriend)!

    ICK!

    No, no no!!!

    I felt my body tense up.

    I don’t want to be anyone’s Gfriend.

    No no!

    I aknowledged my tenseness in my body and resolved to let it flow through.

    He has no right to make assumptions. This is the first date we’ve had in about 4 years.

    Still I may have to do the no g,friend speech at some point maybe.

    I feel afraid of getting caught in the g.friend trap, and also afraid that if I say no to men to being a g,friend, that no-one will step up and offer to marry me!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:49am

  644. 644: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW

    I’m doing “an FW” here sort of. I was looking for that piece in my folders in case i copied it on autopilot but into wrong folder. I’ve come across some interesting material. I usually post a link but don’t have one for this…

    So here it is and it’s something good to think about when we are out on our dates this weekend:

    Rori Raye’s Rules For Landing The Perfect Man
    Thursday, 26 June 2008

    “…Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.

    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure.“ That’s it.

    Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

    The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence…”
    ***************************************************
    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:58am

  645. 645: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    When I was waiting on my own for the train suddenly Mr B popped into my head (well he had been popping into my head at various times throughout the night. This always happens to me when I am really into a guy and missing him and I am out with other guys who I am not that attracted to)

    Well anyway Mr B came to mind and I became overwhelmed with emotion and sadness…

    For some reason, hanging out with, being open to, and letting my date kiss me somehow felt like closing the door to Mr B.

    Or a nail in the coffin or something.

    (or maybe this is just the meaning I am giving it?… wonder if I can re-frame this?… ).

    It felt like I was losing something (I don’t re my felt really know what) and part of me felt really sad, and REALLY SCARED!

    I was suprised to feel scared.

    What am I scared of?

    I think it has something to do with intimacy and that fact that I will now never be able to accept a not real relationship or one where intimacy is kept at bay by addiction, or whatever.

    And logically I know this is nonsensical, I want intimacy.

    But there were still big feelings of being scared, feeling sad and loss.

    But I said ‘ok’ and ‘I accept’ and I love those feelings.

    I am beginning to realise how terrified I actually am of real intimacy and a man who is actually available to me… always have found ‘reasons’ why I am not into them.

    Well, anyway… onwards I go, me and my horse, and I am going to keep CD-ing, having fun, experimenting, practising and being open.

    I feel quite excited about the kind of men who are coming into my life now, and looking forward to some new experiences.

    I feel that some of these men will be able to bring me some interesting experiences, which might show me knew ways to satisfy my cravings for an adrenaline rush and excitement.

    (I know I also have to develop this for myself and I am however I think that men are going to bring me new stuff too, and this feels good).

    I feel excited about the future.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:00am

  646. 646: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV yes I was!

    It was around the time of Valentines day or just after, so I think it would either be on the V day post OR maybe the one after.

    But I am not 100% sure.

    I will have a look for you.

    Is there a way I can view just all my own posts on here withoout everyone elses?

    If not I will try to re-post it. The only issue is I have not got an electronic version, I typed it out staright onto here from a peice of paper… so it took quite a bit of time.

    If I had been a bit more switched on I would have typed it and and saved it as a word doc, and then copied and pasted to here.

    Hmm, maybe I will do that!

    xoxoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:05am

  647. 647: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella:

    Wow: I love u for sharing your stories :)

    I feel so happy to see u back on your horse…I love the way you notice yourself…u triggers…I can sure feel u strength of a Siren…U story makes me reflect over my dating encounters…hmm…lots of reflections :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:07am

  648. 648: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @654: Ella says:
    “…SLV yes I was!
    It was around the time of Valentines day or just after, so I think it would either be on the V day post OR maybe the one after. ..”

    Yippee! I could not remember it exactly. You could search for your name on the thread.

    Edit ==>Find on this page==>

    I wasn’t sure who posted, i searched for my name; I thought i had sent you a ‘TY’ for posting; I was very impressed by it. Maybe I meant to and did not, couldnot find.

    I’ve been looking and planned to continue until I found it…I’m very tenacious…some would say “stubborn” and “hard headed.” But like the Canadian Mounties “I always get my man…” or is that the Texas Rangers…?”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:13am

  649. 649: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    When I think of Mr B and of missing him it feels like lonliness and emptiness and it sits in my stomach!

    But wait, really what is to miss?

    Well I loved being cuddled by him.

    But I didn’t love watch him be wasted and hear him snorting K.

    :-( No NO NO!

    That didn’t feel good.

    Is it trigger back to missing stepdad (who was my dad in my mind) who slipped into a coma and then died after living with hemeaphilia and then AIDS through infected treatment.

    Is Mr B like a do-over for that situation?

    I have always wondered about this. He even looks kinda similar in some ways.

    But I am not doing this consciously IF it is the case.

    And of course my dad was not choosing to take drugs, only the medication subscribed for his illness.

    But my point is they both are/were ‘sick’ in some way, and in my mind I couldn’t save my dad.

    I can remember when he was in the coma and I prayed to god not to let him die and to bring him back, and I really believed that if I prayed hard enough, or I was ‘good’ enough that he would somehow live or come back.

    And I distinctly remember when we were waiting for him to die, at a hospice, and one guy (who my stepsister was with at the time) said something like ‘why is he hanging on… its as though he just doesn’t want to go for some reason’ and then I felt bad, like it was my fault.

    Oh now I am crying.

    Love my tears.

    Anway… just wonder if I have been trying to create a do-over of this.

    Powerful subconscious stuff happening here.

    Hope CD-ing etc will be enough to break these underlying habits.

    I have had some counselling in the past and don’t want anymore as I want to give Rori’s way a try, of working through stuff in the present, rather than dragging it all back up in detail and picking over and over it!

    Hugs to me.

    xoxo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:18am

  650. 650: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    De

    :-)

    xoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:26am

  651. 651: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Please refund the money you keep with drawing out of my bank every month after I have cancelled my subscription 3 months ago and stop charging me please!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:30am

  652. 652: KSNo Gravatar says:

    I just woke from a dream where I was making out with a sexy new guy. Strange, I couldnt see see his face but he was muscular and had a tattoo (I secretly think a tattoo on a guy is really sexy *giggle, blush*). And it was HOTTTTTTTTTT. ;) Take that TOXIC man. The tables are turning. You no longer occupy my mind every moment. There is now a tear in the illusions I have about you. And other men, sexy, HOTT, MANLY men are stepping up. Even if only in my dreams. My mind is becomming my own again. And it feels good! Your days on the back of my horse are number. Haha….

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:33am

  653. 653: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    If you use the control key and the letter F, it will bring up a Find window. You can then type in your name and it will draw up every mention of your name on the page, just keep hitting next.

    Someone else shared the feature and I use it often if I want to read just one person’s posts or back track something they said previously.

    Congrats on you cd-ing and being all that and being a man magnet. Sounds like you’ve had some real breakthroughs.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:33am

  654. 654: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Today, once more I have proof of how connected we are with one another…even across the globe.

    The past week or so, been having dreams…last weekend was the white horse…etc…been intensively thinking about my real father…

    My mom and him end up on bad terms…mom moved across the country and remarried just so she wouldn’t hear from him…and I paid for all the anger she carried with her over the years…

    Well, now they are both singles…I am their 1st child – the result of their 1st love…gone sour…

    My mom hasn’t spoken to him in over twenty years…

    This morning, I got a message from my mom…giving me his new cell number to call him…she said she spoke to him and he’s not doing well…has a lot of remorse over his life choices…he feels lonely and he is sick…

    Hearing that from my mom…it felt very compassionate…I feel sooo happy to no longer feel the anger and frustration when she talks about him…

    We talked about him…I told her for the 1st time how I’ve tolerated inappropriate behaviors from men I ‘ve been with because I wanted to give them a chance, give them acceptance and respect…just as I wished for my father…:(

    I always felt sad in my heart to see him work so hard, make great money, very resilient, and entrepreneurial…a hopeful man…yet relationship wise he could not sustain neither…:( Sigh

    She thought I was angry with him…and she asked me to forgive him…I smiled …cause I was never angry with him (i was with her though), but rather sad…powerless…missed him…i wished for awesome relationship between us…by the time we connected when I was 18…soon after I left the country…

    Gosh, as sad as this situation makes me feel right now, I sense that the loophole I’ve been leaving will finally be released…I will be released …

    I will call my father…

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:35am

  655. 655: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Just woke up. Fln a bit sad thinking of some stuff that went down last nite. Violent stuff not anyone really getting badly hurt and not directly affecting me but still . Feels icky.

    :(

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:36am

  656. 656: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hello, Loneplum – you had some very insightful questions on the job situation – such as were they viable until retirement.
    Probably not – neither even offers health insurance. I posted some of the “issues” involved in the full time trailer park one…
    and realized it sounded so bad and negative I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be walking into that situation – a situation
    already rife with conflict, racism and hostility.

    But I do need a job – and if you feel like helping me – I find your insights very helpful! – I was wondering, what do you think?
    It feels like every job I’ve been offered in the last 2 years has fatal issues – like if they were a computer, they’d be on the edge
    of crashing before I even walked in the door! Maybe that’s the fate of an aging worker, or just the state of the economy?

    Best wishes and thank you, and if you don’t feel like answering just take care and have a Happy Saturday!

    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:37am

  657. 657: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – that is so weird, I dreamed I laid down fully clothed, lol, to nap with two guys and had to jump up and go to the other room cuz I’d married some guy and he was my husband and I couldn’t be seen being happy with other guys –

    sounds supressing, huh?

    But I felt happy with the puppy pile cuddling!

    Hope you clear and do some fab loving Daria things…

    J

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:39am

  658. 658: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 659 Lisa not sure what that was about but if it was meant for Rori you could email her directly at rori@coachrori.com or melanie@coachrori.com

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:39am

  659. 659: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella – wow I feel in awe

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:40am

  660. 660: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, wow we ALL had strange dreams huh? that is so odd I posted it and then saw them!

    Well the coming full moon is the largest and closet to the earth in decades…maybe astrology is correct – said it’d cause massive earth upheavals – or we’re just all dreaming in synch?

    All of you have a happy day!

    xo,
    J

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:42am

  661. 661: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mine was not a dream. It happened in awake life.

    I intend to do relaxing abdominal breathing and direct my thoughts to the good stuff in my life now.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:45am

  662. 662: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel: Just got this from Christian Carter and hope you will find something in there to help you

    When a man feels criticized, he’ll do most or all of the following:

    -Stop communicating any appreciation for the oman

    -Feel like a failure in his life and in your relationship and stop trying or being passionate in both

    -Find ways to act out either directly or indirectly to express his frustration

    -Spend more time away from you and your relationship

    -Stop letting you in on his deeper thoughts and feelings and shut you out

    -No longer want to know about and understand your
    feelings and be a source of support or comfort for you

    Looking at that list, you can see that criticism shuts down some huge emotional areas in a man.

    When you think about it, criticism is just one way to try and create change and to motivate someone (a man) to do something differently.

    Can you think of a more effective way of cmmunicating with a man that will get you the response you REALLY WANT with him in your
    relationship?

    There’s something that truly works MAGIC with a man. Read the next section to find out what itis…

    COMMUNICATION SECRET #3: Show Appreciation

    A man wants to be respected for his thoughts and actions, and the way you communicate this to him is by showing APPRECIATION.

    Unfortunately, often times women – especially smart, independent, and successful women – unintentionally block opportunities for a man to please them. In short, they make it difficult for a man to do for them the very things they’d like to receive!

    If you’re used to being a go-getter and taking matters into your own hands at work and in your daily life, you might accidentally be preventing a man from stepping in and being THE MAN for you.

    So, not only is he not able to please you and DO for you, but there are fewer opportunities for you to show APPRECIATION for him.

    This is an easy fix, but it takes practice. It means you need to practice letting go of the reigns of the relationship and LET HIM do more for you. You don’t need to do anything at all for this to happen – all you need to do is stop DOING, and this will create the space for him to move forward and DO for you.

    That’s when you’ll create fresh opportunities to acknowledge and APPRECIATE him when he does.
    Appreciation is the fuel the feeds a man’s passion for you and makes him not want to leave your side.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:45am

  663. 663: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – sorry, I got that, just was relating it to my dream. Find some joy today!!

    J

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:53am

  664. 664: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely

    Someone else posted something similar here some time ago. The situation was very much like yours and after some time and sex she found out he was married. He traveled back to his country in December and left her brokenhearted. Not sure I would encourage you to get invested in this, but I hope I am wrong.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:02am

  665. 665: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mee too on the dreams!

    Can’t remember exactly but it was about Mr B and he was some kind of animal for part of the dream.

    I can’t remember what annimal cus it was a few night ago!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:02am

  666. 666: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    Thank you for reading my post and giving me feedback :)

    I thought about u last nite…I admit I often feel concerned for your safety…I feel relieved to hear u got home safe…

    I would love to talk to u today…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:05am

  667. 667: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 636 Alonka could it be you might be coming across as eager? Could it be that you are emasculating him but not allowing him to be the man and call you?

    I know you say you prefer to call first but IMHO it might show you have trust issues. Why would a man want to date a woman who does not trust him?

    He could also have been busy or as SLV says in the shower. Guys don’t run for their phones as we do. Also putting it in context, you have not met as yet and he really has no reason to be eager. Sorry to be blunt but that is how I see it. Until you meet and he feels how he feels in your presence he has no real reason to be anxious to speak to you. You are doing all the work so he has nothing really to value.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:10am

  668. 668: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #652 SLV
    “The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence…”

    OMG that is so good… it’s funny.. I had a psychic tell me in a reading my mail 20 some years ago to only focus on how *I* felt around a man… when he walked toward me.. when he called.. and to go for the ones that made me feel peaceful… not anxious inside..

    But theres more to it than what the psychic said… feeling loved, cared for, adored…

    I don’t remember ever feeling like that.. except in the beginning w/the toxic man who almost destroyed me last summer..

    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:11am

  669. 669: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 659 My previous comment is in moderation, trying again.

    Write to melanie@coachrori.com

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:11am

  670. 670: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 635 SLV have you ever tried honey to help with the allergies? I have read that it could help. Wondering if Tinque has any other remedies.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:13am

  671. 671: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 634 T-Girl there was an mp3 from Carol Allen. She is a vedic astrologer as well. Put your email here to get it.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:16am

  672. 672: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mindblowing Rori Raye advice from the email

    This man is not toxic in himself. He may be a very nice man. But he’s heroin for you. There is no “easing out of this.” Cold turkey is your only option here. It’s very difficult to lift yourself up in the company of a man who always makes you feel bad. And a woman who needs to check a man’s phone or computer is a person who cannot yet say NO. The last thing in the world you want – the one thing that will NEVER work for you – is to get “addicted” to one man. Hormonally addicted, emotionally addicted, psychologically addicted, even spiritually addicted.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:46am

  673. 673: Miss BratNo Gravatar says:

    The thing I find really hard is not reaching forward for affection.
    I feel if I don’t initiate it then I won’t get it. He keeps saying when I lean in for a cuddle “quick one” it feels like he pushing me away when he says that
    ;-(

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:50am

  674. 674: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    WOW

    The RIGHT way to treat a man who sleeps with you and then wants to be your “friend” is to say how you feel – “I feel feelings for you beyond friendship, and so I don’t want to be friends with you just now…and then DROP HIM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE! “I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over.”

    You cannot say Yes to ANYTHING until you can say No to something.
    Until you can say NO to what you don’t want, you can’t say Yes to what you do want.
    In fact, until you can say NO to what you don’t want, you can’t even KNOW what it is you DO want.

    Before you can be able to CHOOSE a man – you have to be able to say No just because you don’t like where things are.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:52am

  675. 675: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I went for a drive after I drop my son at his dad’s house. I turned off my cell phone and i wont communicate with him. I amgoing to take a bath make me something to eat and have a glass of wine. Watch a movie, clean up and rest.
    Tomorrow I am going to a ballroom dance event with a few friends.

    I am getting “d’s” hints that he is not interested, I just feel mad because he keeps contactting me. Can’t he let go? I am leaning back, I am not chasing him, if he is no longer interested then fine, leave me the hell alone.
    I had enough, of being Mrs nice. I always thought that being nice would get me to the right man, I don’t want to be like those bridzillas on TV, but then they get the man and I don’t lol. Perhaps, the secret is on setting boundaries, let them be nice to me first, don’t chase them and if it dfoesn’t feel good, move on.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:53am

  676. 676: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 681 Miss Brat maybe you need physical touch to feel loved. He might need something else to feel loved so yes he might be pushing you away. Is this your husband? Has he shared what he needs to feel loved, or do you know?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:55am

  677. 677: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    675: Prairie Girl says:
    “…OMG that is so good… it’s funny.. I had a psychic tell me in a reading my mail 20 some years ago to only focus on how *I* felt around a man… when he walked toward me.. when he called.. and to go for the ones that made me feel peaceful… not anxious inside…”

    Those are Rori’s words I posted. I copied and saved them because when I first read them, I thought, yeah, that’s it! I want to feel adored, cherished, safe, loved. There’s another one about man loving you and never letting you forget it. That’s what I want. I want to feel secure, safe, protected, free and easy.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:56am

  678. 678: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 683 Luzydel did you get Rori’s email? It is on Say NO to Friends With Benefits and Get Real Love

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:57am

  679. 679: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Just saw these comments in an email.

    “I know, now, that partnership is integral to living my most full life and reaching my potential, love doesn’t suffocate, it LIBERATES.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:01pm

  680. 680: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @81: Femininewoman says:
    “WOW…
    DROP HIM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE! “I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over…”

    Wow! is right. This is POWERFUL stuff! Damn, you could feel horrible and in the same moment take back your siren power. Wow! That must be really healing.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:08pm

  681. 681: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @677: Femininewoman

    I don’t usually use honey anymore although I did buy some when I bought the fresh ginger for tea…the ginger that “melted.”

    I kinda live with it until most of the pollen is off the trees then it’s not so bad but I’m allergic to “dust” so…. and “low tolerance” for bunch of foods too; and i’ve added on some since I’ve gotten older. Weird, huh?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:14pm

  682. 682: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    662: DE

    Wow.

    Hugs to you.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:15pm

  683. 683: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    FW yes I was reading the email, and yes I think D wants an FWB with me. So I will give him the silent treatment, I want a relationship a real man taking me out and treating me like a lady.
    I am in intense rehab now, I feel the pain and sometimes I feel like running after him to get a quck fix, but I know that after a while I wont need his drug.

    Wgat RR wrote here got me thinking and woke m,e up…

    “”You are – (and I’m going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my clients all the time – it’s very helpful to see it from this perspective) – you are a JUNKIE.

    He is like the needle you can’t wait to stick in your arm.

    You’re giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he’s with you.

    Same with heroin.

    It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can’t let go of wanting the “fix.” He is your “fix.”””

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:16pm

  684. 684: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW # 679:

    Thank you sooo much for posting it…I remember reading it in a blog a while back…but gosh, sometimes I have a selective memory…:(

    The truth is…I’ve often felt overwhelmed with the amount of new info and new adjustments in my life for the past four months…

    Getting a “refreshing” course on some of these concepts is a great idea :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:17pm

  685. 685: LDNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I don’t feel I am emotionally unavailable and I don’t feel these men are either. They’ve all seriously committed to and some even married the woman they chose over me. For some reason they liked and even loved me, but the other woman inspired feelings of commitment in them and I did not. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I suspect it’s because of overfunctioning in the past, and I don’t feel I do that since I’ve been working the tools.

    I’m tired of being “Miss Right Now” and want to be “Miss Right”.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:20pm

  686. 686: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @686: Femininewoman says:
    Just saw these comments in an email.

    “I know, now, that partnership is integral to living my most full life and reaching my potential, love doesn’t suffocate, it LIBERATES…”

    Is this the Rori e-mail? I’m behind a few…

    This resonates with me, “free and easy” is the way I’m thinking of it. As of a day or two ago, I also think I’m carrying around a little built in “love factory.”
    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:20pm

  687. 687: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess and FeminineWoman,

    I had a weird dream, too. Remember Bill who turned out being gay? About a month ago, in real life, Bill and I were emailing. I sent him an email and was probably too forthright about deep things, as I tend to be. He hasn’t responded, and it’s possible our friendship is over. So that’s been troubling me, which I’m sure is why I dreamed about him.

    I dreamed he and his partner had gotten a large house with 6 or 8 bedrooms. They were getting housemates, and Laughing Goddess and Feminine Woman were two of their housemates, and I remember feeling excited to meet them in person! LG seemed really close to Bill, and they were hugging on each other a lot. I felt a little jealous, but not much, knowing he is gay.

    I kept trying to talk to Bill about the status of our friendship, saying I hope it isn’t over. He just smiled and winked, saying, “Here, let me show you the house!” As he went thru, in three different places, he had little torn shreds of my winter coat hanging from nails on the ceiling. I pointed them out and he smiled broadly, apparently showing me that he had something to remember me by, and he still cared.

    Then I was cleaning the house, picking clutter up, organizing it, and sweeping the floor. Yet every time I made some progress, Bill brought out more clutter, and it just seemed endless.

    Then the phone rang! Now I’m going to email Bill!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:24pm

  688. 688: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Slv – tell me more about the built in love factory… What’s that

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:36pm

  689. 689: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella – that would feel lovely ;)

    I wonder why I inspire worry about my safety… Hmm

    Maybe I’m a little addicted to drama and victimness. Love me

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:40pm

  690. 690: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Testing out to see if my avatar will appear here via gravatar as suggested by Brenda… may need some help Brenda… am I a lion face now, or still a pretty flower? ;)

    Btw ladies who want info on how to ground yourself… coming up soon. Dealing w funeral arrangements etc here but haven’t forgotten. xo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:45pm

  691. 691: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 697 Lion

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:50pm

  692. 692: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, lion face avatar achieved… thank you Miss Brenda. Hugs. I feel more “here.” That feels good.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:51pm

  693. 693: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Love your Ginger Lion!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:54pm

  694. 694: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 700 Feel sidelined. Felt like I should have gotten a thank you too.

    Note to self…….expectations got the better of me there. Pay attention to letting go of expectations.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 12:54pm

  695. 695: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby –

    Thank You!

    xoxoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:01pm

  696. 696: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Me -

    “For some reason, hanging out with, being open to, and letting my date kiss me somehow felt like closing the door to Mr B.

    Or a nail in the coffin or something.”

    I want to re-frame this. I want to flip it.

    Can Sirens help me choose something that feels good?

    I was thinking something along the lines of I am changing. This creates the space for him to change and step up, IF he wants to.

    If I had stayed with him in that toxic relationship then we both would have remained stuck, and sick!

    This way I am moving on with my life but the door is still open and this way gives the best chance that we could be together in a healthy way…

    And if not I will have something that is even better…

    ?????

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:07pm

  697. 697: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 704 He might only be able to enter if you close the door, he comes back and knock, then you open it for him to enter. What do you think?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:14pm

  698. 698: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    “This creates the space for him to change and step up, IF he wants to.”

    The only thing about this is that it feels bad to think that he wouldn’t want to step up…

    Feels like he doesn’t want me.

    Feels icky.

    Is he one of those men who ‘doesn’t want’ as Rori talks about, and therefore is toxic for me?

    Would he step up for someone else?

    :-(

    Don’t like that idea one bit!

    Oh, ok, lets flip this.

    Just being overwhelmed mby NVs cus am feeling so tired (does this happen to anyone else – I always think about B when tired or down, less when happy and having fun).

    I wish his memory would fade more quickly.

    Ok, flip it hon….

    Right, I am a Siren.

    Sirens just play in the field.

    Sirens sing and are happy and feel.

    Sirens do not have to worry about ‘doing’ anything, its simply not their job.

    I am all that.

    Yes I am!

    I AM ALL THAT!

    All men want me bc I am the air that they need to breath.

    My eyes are magnets that draw them to me, as is my vibe.

    And some men are not able to worship and bring gifts to the Siren Goddess.

    This is not bc they don’t want to. Some simply are not able.

    So they step back to let other men take care of the Siren, bc they love her!

    Hmmm, that is a lil better.

    What would feel really good right now would be some Loneplum Wisdom.

    Or maybe some Daria wisdon.

    Or, in fact just some Siren wisdom! Lol.

    xoxoxo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:18pm

  699. 699: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – yes maybe.

    That feels about right.

    And it still feels scary!

    I will do it anyway. Life will guide me.

    xoxoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:20pm

  700. 700: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @695: Daria says:
    “…Slv – tell me more about the built in love factory… What’s that…”

    I got this flash some time after reading Rori’s post on this thread. “Hey, wait a minute…” it was like a little voice saying to me…

    “You’re not needy and out looking for a man… you have the power to bestow upon a man all kinds of goodies that will make his life happier healthier…and longer!

    Women have the power to do this, it’s built in. We can create attraction and love for the man that steps up makes us feel good AND we get to decide who this will be.”

    This is what I read and and then what started to develop in my mind. I haven’t learned how to work the love factory…that will come.

    Leslie: “…So when you say we can fall in love with anyone who loves us…I know it’s true. I just don’t want to have to marry someone I’m not over the moon about.

    Rori: “…Right now….we’re trying to shrink down your exploration time – way shorter than mine – and I believe that’s possible.
    You’ll see. Just keep track of what’s going on for you and around you. Do NOT assume that the feeling or vision or “hit” you have with a man now is the same as back then with “Dan.”
    Just keep exploring and allowing……”

    242: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    I am thinking I’m carrying around with me my own built-in love factory. I can bring healing, peace, love and everlasting joy to some lucky man… This is powerful!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 8:11am

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:20pm

  701. 701: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ella H.A.L.T. remember

    Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

    This tried and true slogan helps us to stay in touch with our feelings and needs. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired. Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

    Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of dual recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our abstinence and serenity.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:23pm

  702. 702: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    709 Ella 708 was a cut and paste.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:26pm

  703. 703: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria

    More on the “built in love factory.” I had also read article, I think it was one of EMK’s or CC,,, think EMK..anyway the gist was men are often reluctant to commit, fearing they have to give up so much and in reality the only thing they “give up” is the freedom to have random sex with strangers. The committed relationship offers them MORE freedom to live a happier life.

    I think I need to go look for that article and put thoughts together while I see if I can work out my “love factory.”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:27pm

  704. 704: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @ SLV

    “Ella

    Where you the one, I don’t remember, who put up and article/poem about the difference between boy/man or man/mature man…something like that.

    If it was you, could you put it up again. Please. I was discussing with FW but couldn’t recall where I’d seen it. It was here I’m pretty sure…but the siren’s name I don’t recall but kind of thought it was you…or Darling Ella… or Simply Shannon…Alicia…or somebody else…Marina… HELP!!!

    xoxo
    SLV”

    Just seen this.

    Now I am not so sure if the poem I put up is the one you want…

    My poem was called ‘Grown women’ and was talking about the difference between how a ‘girl’ behaves in relation to men, as compared to how a ‘Grown woman’ (aka Siren) behaves.

    Is this what you want?

    If so I promise I will get it for you however feeling really tired right now so would it be ok for tomorrow?

    xoxoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:28pm

  705. 705: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW re 708,

    Brilliant!

    Thanks I had forgotten about that tool.

    Thanks. :-) xoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:31pm

  706. 706: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes

    Thank you so much.

    I will hop over to your blog sometime and have a read.

    xoxoxo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:32pm

  707. 707: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @711: Ella says:

    “…My poem was called ‘Grown women’ and was talking about the difference between how a ‘girl’ behaves in relation to men, as compared to how a ‘Grown woman’ (aka Siren) behaves.
    Is this what you want?…”

    That’s probably it. I enjoyed it and it touched a chord. Take your time. I went back to look again and still didn’t see it. Thanks for reposting. Anytime is fine.

    Thank you.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:39pm

  708. 708: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    CCarter

    When you worry about:

    -Getting hurt again
    -Losing yourself again in a relationship
    -Being shut out and unappreciated by a man

    Guess what this creates in lots of really sweet
    and loving women?

    It creates a tough outer shell.

    And what does this shell do?

    It keeps men at arm’s distance – even when the
    man wants to be there to love and support you.

    This shell also makes getting close to you
    painful and difficult – as when a man tries to get
    past your tough shell, he’s going to get hurt
    trying to get through.

    And it’s going to feel uncomfortable for you
    trying to open up and let him in.

    This is not the way to let love into your life
    and create the kind of relationship that can last
    and grow forever.
    By the way, if you’re with a man and you’re
    afraid to open up and be more vulnerable with
    him…

    And you’re having a tough time trusting him
    enough to truly let him in and know everything you
    are inside and out…

    Your man is going to sense it.

    But most men (98%) won’t know what’s going on.

    They’ll just know that it feels unusually hard
    and difficult to get close to you.

    Men feel an intense need and desire to GIVE to
    the woman they love. And without this, most men
    will just never feel that connected to you.

    So you can either learn to open up and take the
    chance of letting a man be there, love you and
    give to you.

    Or you can keep feeling drained by taking care
    of everything in your own life yourself, and
    caring for everyone else at the same time – while
    feeling like you don’t get much back in return.

    It’s time to make a shift and break the
    pattern.

    And when you do, the man in your life will
    INSTANTLY notice and start giving and supporting
    you more.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:41pm

  709. 709: GingerskyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: Thank you, ginger lion likes your sunny beautiful Brenda face too… back at ya!

    #703 Mel: Whoever this is about, it sounds like *perfect* perspective/stance/honest/healthy/self-care to me. I needed to hear it too, thanks.

    FW, Lercomari, and many others: Your posts are beyond gold to me… this is engaging enough to take my mind off tragedy here, and helps a lot to deal w the simultaneous man/relationship issues so I’m not in really bad overload mode. It feels good to be able to be more present for others in need here right now…

    Bc of strength/clarity/honesty/less judgment etc yesterday, gained largely from being here w u all and from some other sources, I was able to do more clear communication w the man, and he explained his lack of compassion is due to feeling like he is SO pulled-in, caring, engaged, etc by me and my (very considerable) needs right now, that he neglects what’s real & healthy for him (got himself sick last week w flu bc was stranding in cold to talk on phone privately w a family member long time, rather than asking for the privacy he needed/wanted from me, didn’t want to disturb or in convenience me sadly)… he’s under *incredible* unreal stress right now on serious fronts, in ways I can’t really help w in ways he’d like, so he’s pulling back & admittedly (and proudly in a way) being an asshole so he can feel like he’s back in his own skin & safe, basically.

    Plus he likes to get to the negative as well as the positive, feels what’s under the surface all the time and wants it brought out, so I bit his bait again in the last few days when he asked me to offer criticism of him… I gave some and when I do that it’s v point blank most of the time. Sh**. So he’s really cold and pulled back now. This relationship is v important on other levels regardless of the romantic side, as well as being an incredible learning experience and a dually engaged/agreed-upon intentional experiment in new forms of honest communication etc, so I feel v grateful for all this ability to clear the communication w him as my friend/colleague in midst of everything else. He realy does not want the relationship and is, as always, sad & hurting that our incompatibilites exist along w our amazing compatibilities…

    I love you all, and love to Rori for creating and giving us this wonderful space and community to blog in. I’m feeling somewhat grounded, happy, safe, healthy, connected and strong from being here when normally I would not. Right in the middle of harshness, ugliness, extreme challenge and difficulty, I feel a fairly good measure of beauty, grace, openness, peace and gratitude.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:45pm

  710. 710: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I dont want you to contact me anymore….

    I am feeling attached and I do not want to be just a “f*ck budy” or Get used as a “booty call”; right now this does not feel good and I rather stop contact with you. I don’t want to be yout friend because I am attracted to you and I will be lying to myself if I accept a frinship.

    I decided to not have sex, or bring a man to my place anymore until he makes me feel safe. Until I am sure he is serious about me. I will keep my options open and go on dates until the man who is willing to give me what I want step up.

    I want a man who feels proud to be with me, a man who can show me to his friends and family as his woman. A man who can love me for who I am. I want commitment; I want to go on dates. I want to be treated like a lady and not like an object.

    I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet…The man who earns me will be very lucky to have me.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 1:58pm

  711. 711: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I freel like semd him this as an email, but nahh. if he does not contact me, then I have nothing to say, but keep moving.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 2:02pm

  712. 712: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    For dating Moms

    Make sure to also view the video number 2 starting from the left, the one with the lady in red. She gives good tips.

    http://www.therealmomtv.com/dating-with-dignity-for-real-moms/

    xxx

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 2:39pm

  713. 713: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Alonka, Femininewoman,
    I didn’t mean for this letter to ever be seen by him. I just wrote it to make myself feel better. I write lots of “unintended letters” as diary entries so to speak. However, I’ve spilled my emotions all over him this way before . And the result was never good. I’ve learned my lesson in that respect, so if I need to say something I just write a letter. My thoughts into words is sort of therapy for me.

    @Gingersky
    I’m glad my words have been helpful to you as well as the words of the other women here. I’m grateful to this blog, because it’s so much more helpful and healthy for us to be here rather than sulk over our problems and react in the wrong way. I find it very admirable that you’re able to communicate with this man in such a way that he’s open and honest with you, and that does you a world of good since you know what he’s feeling. I myself know how frustrating it is when a man pulls away when I want him to open up. And I know he appreciates being able to open up to you. I hope it continues this way and gets better for you both. I’ve known harsh reality and trials…all I can say is that the sun will come out again. Just maintain your hope that the light is on its way. sending ((((hugs)))) and good vibes your way. :)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 2:53pm

  714. 714: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    #718: Yes, no emails, texts, calls. No blaming, explaining, justifying (I’m talking to myself here too, because though I don’t do it in real life, I keep THINKING in these terms).

    If he is not contacting you, he doesn’t have the pleasure of your company:)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:02pm

  715. 715: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    My Craig guy get back to me pretty quickly, apologized again, asked how I am doing and asked to talk tomorrow at 11am. I wrote back saying how my day is going and how I am feeling, and said alright to 11am.

    Another guy on the site asked if I had big plans this weekend and I replied – just in and out, going to swim, feeling happy about spring. I thought he would vanish because what do you say to this?? He wrote a long email back describing his weekend plans and asked for my number at the end;) This time I just gave it and said it would feel nice to hear from him!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:06pm

  716. 716: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    This feeling of closing a door on my love by going out and getting excited or maybe just sharing life moments with others is very familiar to me. I’ve been sabotaging a lot of my years this way. Even when I gave in, there was always something that I kept away.

    Like there are certain memories of activities and conversations that you had with your love and I would do anything to not engage in those activities with someone else. For example a guy heard from friends that I make yummy pancakes with blueberries and he would ask me to make them for bfast when we were going out, but I would just not do it, no matter how much he asked. I actually only make them for my son since a certain bfast that I don’t want to forget. And stuff like this.

    I know it’s keeping me from moving forward, but it’s hard to break these habits. Luckily I didn’t have too many relationships haha so I can still go out and do some stuff that I haven’t done before ;P !

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:17pm

  717. 717: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @722: Alonka says:
    “…This time I just gave it and said it would feel nice to hear from him!…”

    Yea! I felt a little happy vibe when I read this! A new CD, kind of exciting but calm and smooth.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:22pm

  718. 718: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.wishsummit.com/calls

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:29pm

  719. 719: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka:

    It feels great to read Rori’s tool brought fruit back to u …

    U said: “Another guy on the site asked if I had big plans this weekend and I replied – just in and out, going to swim, feeling happy about spring.” –

    It felt weird to me too in the beginning to do just that…being focused on myself…and not ask him questions (it selfish of me)…Yet, what a relief :)

    U said” I thought he would vanish because what do you say to this?? He wrote a long email back describing his weekend plans and asked for my number at the end;) ”
    Yes, exactly…they all do just that – the chase begins… I never got wrong with this…

    “This time I just gave it and said it would feel nice to hear from him!” That’s it! Perfectly done :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:36pm

  720. 720: Miss BratNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Femine Women
    We live together
    Split up last June got back together in September
    Told me he loves me again November
    Before we split we were engaged I don’t wear the ring anymore and we refer to each other as boyfriend girlfriend. He has never asked me to wear it again.
    He ploughed a lot of money into doing up our house and I am paying him back my half each month.
    I suppose I want it back how it used to be in the early days where he couldn’t bear to not be touching each other.
    Yes my love language is touch. His is being listened to, respecting him oh and stroking his back. I know I overfunction. I try to lean back but get scared and resentful of the affection he shows his dogs.
    Yes he loves me but wish it was him making more effort to touch. I can’t lean back and keep an open heart – I feel my vibe change
    Ladies any suggestions on changing this around. It’s silly being jealous over the dogs but that’s how I feel.
    I wish we were engaged again and he leaning forward.
    I have tried leaning back but then he says I am not
    appreciating him and taking him for granted.
    I have lots of rori products but the affection is a big a big stocking point for me. He never takes me in his arms anymore. We do cuddle on sofa but I move towards him
    Xxx

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:41pm

  721. 721: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, DE.

    Thank you so much for your support!

    I am off to my museum/dinner date:) I’m having soo many Met museum first dates lately that I almost know they are going to suggest it even before they do;P

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:46pm

  722. 722: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – you’re so bad. “I love the typo!”, but I love it, and I love you.

    I’m all moved, yay, and our stuff from LA will be coming next week, real furniture, my stuff, love my stuff, have missed my stuff.

    This cottage is SO, SO great. I feel so happy. I hope we don’t buy next year. I’m weary of moving, four times in 1 1/2 years.

    Okay back to catching up.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:49pm

  723. 723: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka,

    Yay, what great progress! Well done.

    xoxox

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:50pm

  724. 724: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I recall “back in the days”…where comunicating with a man became a retorial speach…back and forth questions…gosh, so freaking exausting…

    I got asked in so many dates so much faster…for actually doing so much less…and i ask them nothing…

    It sure feels good to me :)

    Guys indeed are simple, yet loving creatures when they are empowered to give to us :)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:51pm

  725. 725: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Geez, lots of typos for me today :( Ups :(

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 3:54pm

  726. 726: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    My CD stable is emptying. I think they sense my lack of interest. I have been more focused on work and kids lately. And that feels fine to me. Alpha has given me some space the last few days, and I didn’t consciously ask him to. He’s off brooding, and I find I don’t really care.

    Interestingly, I seem to have come to some internal acceptance that I do not NEED a man in my life. In fact, it seems that when one gets close–or attempts to–I immediately start appreciating my life as it is. It doesn’t feel like a self-protection mechanism or an attempt to keep a man at arms’ length this time. I really feel for the first time in a long time that I am perfectly OK without a man/men. That longing I’ve felt for so long is just…gone. *Poof.*

    I LIKE my life. I love my house and how happy my kids and I seem to be in it. I have some good friendships. I even kinda like my job–or at least I am accepting that it is where I am right now and so I am finding things to like about it. I like how content and stress-free my life is for the first time in YEARS. For the first time in my adult life perhaps?

    Maybe I’m concerned that a man might mess with the calm. The calm I’ve craved all my life and now have. I suspect the difference now is that I always hoped/expected/wanted a MAN to bring the calm and contentment to me. And really, I finally realize that I have brought it to myself??? I am proud of me and I am enjoying that pride.

    Maybe this is is a short phase to go through and when I emerge through it, I will actually finally truly be ready for a relationship? Because I am not pursuing it, it will come to me in a healthy and complementing way? Rather than in my previously desired “fixing what’s wrong with my life” way?

    Hmmmm.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 4:17pm

  727. 727: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Boomer we so walk similar paths… I WANT to loose the desire for a partner… I’m begging for the longing to go away..

    I want to just love my life as is.. it IS SO SO SO good, the kids and I at peace.. peaceful little house.. I’ve asked for a “life” outside my house and it’s come..everything I’ve asked for, desired, prayed for except a fufilling love life…

    I just can’t face one more date.. I can’t face having to explain myself to another man.. hearing how PERFECT I am.. or how into me he is right up until… whatever the flip happens. he’s not real..imaginary.. comes fu*ks me then disappears.. what ever..

    I am just worn out… I covet your peace at being alone..

    I am choosing to find it alone.. not tolerate alone.. LOVE it.. I have many times in my life… I just so wanted a GOOD/fulfilling relationship this time… never craved it before and would like to stop now…

    God bless.. I wish it would go away…

    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 4:25pm

  728. 728: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    716:

    Ouch. Funny, when M sent me the email telling me that he had deeper feelings for my sister and was dumping me, he also told me that I had no more work to do on myself, that I was the most beautiful person inside and out except…

    …for keeping my walls down.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 4:40pm

  729. 729: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    PG. Oh, I feel your pain coming through that message. The longing. I’m not sure what the deal is, but the last several rounds of CDs just have left me feeling “Meh.”

    They are not good enough for me!

    That has been my realization, I think.

    I have allowed men who are not up to my standards to have access to me.

    And until I start inviting “better” men in…until I recognize them when I see them (because I don’t think I do recognize them), I really don’t want to spend time allowing sub-standard men in.

    I know that might sound cool, aloof, arrogant. But oh well. I think too that finding this blog and Rori really have increased my confidence in all areas of my life. And I finally recognized that I was allowing men I do not really want to have me, have my time, have my conversations, have my body.

    Ick.

    No more.

    So I don’t know what that means practically. Stop dating? Probably not. But neither am I going to fill my rare free time dating men just to date. I will CD myself with a vengeance. I will join that wine group I have been talking about for five years. I will get that personal trainer and increase my weight loss and in-shape efforts. I will just live for me, and if some dude wants to hop on my horse and bask in the awesome that is me, I might let him.

    I hope this is not just a phase–it feels real. I feel peaceful.

    PG, you totally have to catch me off the blog. Want my email addy? Anyone else for that matter :)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:03pm

  730. 730: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    737:

    Boomer, does this mean you are leaving the blog?

    Please say no.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 5:19pm

  731. 731: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    737: Boomer

    I feel the same way, I get contacted by men that make me feel yucky also. Funny thing is that when “d” contacted me his profile was bad, bad pictures, bad paragraph etc. I felt hesitant, but I wrote to him following the rule of being open.

    When I met him I was impressed to see how much he was in to me and I open myself more and let him in, now I realized that if I feel bad about a guy at the beginning, I should follow my instinct. D wasn’t that good, he showed that to me after three months. So go on dates that you feel good about, date yourself, there is no need to be open to someone who makes you feel bad.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:05pm

  732. 732: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #737 Boomer
    “And I finally recognized that I was allowing men I do not really want to have me, have my time, have my conversations, have my body.

    Ick.

    No more.

    So I don’t know what that means practically. Stop dating?”

    YES!!!! That is IT… not have my time, my conversations, my body!!!

    I KNOW what I want… I’m not figuring myself out..I know who I am and what I want…

    I would love to connect w/you outside here..
    tracyequinlan@hotmail.com

    It’s on my biz cards I leave all over the planet why not here?

    I’m not leaving the blog..I learn so much here even while I’m not dating… heck.. I haven’t REALLY dated at all…

    I ate lunch w/one.. slept w/another (oh after making dinner and he and I taking it to one of my relatives after he arrived from Texas)…

    Oh and went to have a rendezvous w/another that I WAS just using for sex but got hooked on anyway.. AND if he weren’t out rodeoing this week I’d be with him in Texas getting my “heels thrown in the air” again heart ache be dammn*d!!!!!

    I need LMCowboy surgically removed from my heart at the moment and Bull cowboy could do it…if he were somewhere I could get to him…

    Oh I digress…NO ONE IS REAL!!!!! I go out around here and NO ONE ASKS ME OUT IN REAL LIFE! So… I am a dating legend in my mind only oh and cyberspace… and already I’m tired of it all…

    I’m laughing on the inside… I swear…lol

    So I’m trying to date myself and not find myself boring and unfulfilling…Honestly, the sex COULD be better… but then again.. it COULD been worse too…

    Okay, I’m losing it….lol

    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:15pm

  733. 733: TmariekNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I love the place you are at. I also want to be in that exact same place where you are right now. That is AWESOME! and congratulations for getting there.

    Question to all: Anyone believe in astrology? Should I only date men who are compatible astrological signs with me?

    I’ve been doing the circular dating thing and not paying attention to who is “compatible” with me, but feeling really frustrated with the whole dating thing right now. (The past few men I dated were not really compatible with me and were players.)

    Thank you for your help.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:26pm

  734. 734: lilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    740:

    PG, I heart you.

    I’m going to go read your blog. I feel connected to your writing.

    And I love your saying of “Angels on your Body.”

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:26pm

  735. 735: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 728 I would try to figure out if it falls into of these

    Acts of Service eg rubbing his back
    Words of Affirmation
    Quality Time
    Gifts

    Regarding the hugs/touch he might be feeling a harsh request or demand in your vibe or tone. Gay Hendricks suggests to keep asking but each time ask as if it is the first time you are asking. There should be no expectations and if he says no you should accept no for an aswer. Christian Carter also says to share what you need to feel loved but remember your partner has to want to/choose to do it. John Gottman’s book The Relationship Cure and The 7 Principles to Making Marriage work has some great exercises for couples to do together to get to know each other. If he is prone to read it might help to go through the material together and discuss it.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:32pm

  736. 736: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 741 You might wish to check out Carol Allen on loveisinthestars.com

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:33pm

  737. 737: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm…those happy faces feel a bit too much to me…I feel annoyed of my own happy faces…wished i had an option for a semi-happy face sometimes…more options please :)

    Anyhow, I have a dilemma…that I could use help with.

    I noticed my hormonal levels increasing now…and as result I feel open to other men; I used to feel stuck on J…and couldn’t even imagine someone else touching me;

    I guess it’s been about two months since I been with J…that fits perfectly with the 8 weeks detox program promoted by Dr. Pat Allen; interesting to notice :(

    So, now I am horny…but when do I know I am also emotionally available?

    I had often mistaken between the two…Being physically available with being emotionally available….Can we work on some differences and commonalities between the two???

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:34pm

  738. 738: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer #734:

    I love your posts always.

    U said “I’m not sure what the deal is, but the last several rounds of CDs just have left me feeling “Meh.”

    Well, my response is “it’s just another round hun :)” Okay…this is my sense of humor ab it…i joke a lot at my own expense and i sure hope won’t offend u.

    I relate to your appreciation of finally having peace and quiet at home…and keep it that way at all costs…i sure been very appreciative of it for the past eight years :)

    Resting from dating…sounds like a good thing to me…I often do it…when i bounce back…i sure feel stronger and more enthusiastic :)

    I can sense your boundaries getting stronger and your self-appreciation :) Awesome!

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:44pm

  739. 739: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    742: lilybelle says:

    PG, I heart you.

    I’m going to go read your blog. I feel connected to your writing.

    And I love your saying of “Angels on your Body.””

    Oh Lillybelle that feels so nice to hear!!! Thank you and heart you too!!!!

    I didn’t originate the saying “angels on your body” I’m afraid… I got if from a fantastic novel called The Loop by Nicholas Evans… same guy who wrote The Horse Whisperer…. The Loop was about 100x better in my opinion.. about a female.. hmmm… what’s the science that would study wolves?… brain fart… anyway, it’s a good good book…and a passing hippy character says it…lol.. it just stuck w/me..

    And I wish them on your body tonight… the big Michael strong ones that dance good…lol
    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:48pm

  740. 740: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 728 Did he want the money back? It just feels like roommates or FWB situation to me. Can’t exactly put my finger on what gave me that impression but somehow it feels that way. Not like a man providing for his lady. Hope I am wrong.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:54pm

  741. 741: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #745 DE
    “the 8 weeks detox program promoted by Dr. Pat Allen; ”
    REALLY? 8 weeks?… hmmm….thinking.. I could live for 8 wks… I’m already pretty much down one… though there has been contact today.. emails…

    He’s selfish… and according to a CC newsletter on men pulling away someone posted yesterday, his pulling away was “dysfunctional”… over something slight and it was a far/permanent pull away…

    I can’t wait until my heart doesn’t skip a beat at the thought of him… until I don’t miss him.. hope to see his number on the caller id…an email… 8 weeks?..

    hope it’s sooner, but it would be nice to have a “time frame” to know how long I have to “survive” the ache..

    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:55pm

  742. 742: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @745: Darling Ella says:
    “..Hmm…those happy faces feel a bit too much to me…I feel annoyed of my own happy faces…”

    Hmmm,

    : P = :P
    : wink : = :wink:
    : shock : = :shock:
    : cry : = :cry:
    : oops : = :oops:
    : roll : = :roll:

    I can’t think of any more right now.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:55pm

  743. 743: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    My horoscope today

    Native Americans believe in “totem animals,” or animals that come to you as messengers. Make yours the fox today, Aries. Look to the fox for guidance in dealing with an issue that has been on your mind and is beginning to frustrate you. The fox moves quietly. He can slink in and out of a situation unseen. He is watchful. He gathers information before he makes his move. You need to be a keen observer today if you want to solve a problem. Move quietly like the fox, and listen well. You will learn all you need to know.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 6:57pm

  744. 744: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV:

    Gosh, awesome…:=

    I did it, i think :( I winked!!!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:01pm

  745. 745: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ups…i missed a space : =

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:02pm

  746. 746: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer and PG I would suggest reading Rori’s #28 above again. Might also be relevant to DE.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:02pm

  747. 747: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    what??? why ain’t working? :(

    :cry:

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:03pm

  748. 748: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    oh…i think i got it…when i copied and paste it…it showed the formula = :oops:

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:04pm

  749. 749: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I just came across this awesome website – Real Mom TV Dating with Dignity. I love the video she does with Christian Anderson – check it out. It really goes into feminine/masculine energy on a date.

    http://www.therealmomtv.com/dating-with-dignity-for-real-moms/

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:04pm

  750. 750: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @752: Darling Ella

    Take out the spaces. I added those so you could see what to type. Here’s another one:

    8 ) = 8)

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:05pm

  751. 751: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel thanks. I am Aries too.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:05pm

  752. 752: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl I think that as sent by Loneplum also. Will check it out.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:07pm

  753. 753: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I want to start the week by not replying to his txts. By not feeling he is giving me alot by just txting me.
    By knowing that I deserve more than empty promises.

    I owe him nothing !!!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:11pm

  754. 754: KSNo Gravatar says:

    SLV-Found the poem I think you wanted from Ella. It touched me too…so I saved it. Enjoy. :)

    Grown Women

    GIRLS leave their schedule wide open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
    GROWN WOMEN make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

    GIRLS want to control the man in their life.
    GROWN WOMEN know that if he is truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.

    GIRLS check you for not calling them.
    GROWN WOMEN are too busy to notice you hadn’t.

    GIRLS try to put a man on lock by using sex.
    GROWN WOMEN know that it is sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to lock you down.

    GIRLS fake moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
    GROWN WOMEN say “Just Stop”, get up, get dressed and walk out.

    GIRLS are afraid to be alone.
    GROWN WOMEN rvel in it – using it as a time for personal growth.

    GIRLS ignore the good guys
    GROWN WOMEN ignore the bad guys.

    GIRLS make you come.
    GROWN WOMEN make you come home.

    GIRLS worry about not being pretty/good enough for their man.
    GROWN WOMEN know that they are pretty/good enough for any man.

    GIRLS try to monopolize all their man’s time (ie: don’t want him hanging with his friends)
    GROWN WOMEN realize that a lil bit of space makes the together time even more special – and goes to kick it with her own friends!

    GIRLS think a guy crying is weak.
    GROWN WOMEN offer their shoulder and a tissue.

    GIRLS want to be spoiled and ‘tell’ their man so.
    GROWN WOMEN ‘show’ him and make him confortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his manhood.

    GIRLS get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
    GROWN WOMEN know that it was just one man.

    GIRLS fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection ignoring all the signs.
    GROWN WOMEN know that sometimes the one you love doesn’t always love you back – and moves on, without bitterness.

    GIRLS will read this and get an attitude.
    GROWN WOMEN will read this and ask … which one am I?

    Loved by some, hated by many, envied by most and yet wanted by plenty.

    Grown Women.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:24pm

  755. 755: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Can someone CD without actually going on a date?

    Like this guy Steven, I talk to him, txt him etc. but I don’t feel motivated to go on a date with him. I feel disconnected and uncomfortable when I talk to him.

    Then he say things that turn me off ugh!
    So could that be a CD without wasting my time and going to have dinner with him? That will also save him some money.

    I don’t really have to go on an actual date right? being open in an email is enough right? If I feel motivated to go out with the guy then that could be stage 2 Cding and then 3 and 4 etc. Depending on how I feel about the guy.
    Just making my own rules here :)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:33pm

  756. 756: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lozydel I have learnt in such situations to ask myself why am I disconneted?

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:36pm

  757. 757: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @762: KS says:
    “…SLV-Found the poem I think you wanted from Ella. It touched me too…so I saved it. Enjoy…”

    Thank you, thank you. l’ll wise words here. I’ll make sure I save it this time.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 7:57pm

  758. 758: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Gingersky:

    Thanks for the deep concern and care.

    Cant relate to anything metaphysical or the paganpath.com. sister died of colon cancer at age 43. she had only been married 9 months. She and he were delirious with joy. She did not want to die.

    I remember a reiki person came to the house when she was sick and did that. Nothing happened, she felt nothing.

    The only thing that I learned was, as she slipped in and out of consciousness, she told me what she saw. Everything she talked about was pretty much identical to the things talked about in a book called “Embraced by the Light” by Betty Eades. Except she died before the book was written. The book helped me a lot.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:10pm

  759. 759: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m back from my date and it was nice, but the guy told me all lies about himself first time when we met! He doesn’t live where he said he lived, he doesn’t work in a capacity that he said he worked.. How strange. At the end he wanted to see me home in my cab, but made me pay for it. He is a nice guy and knows a lot about art, but I don’t think I’m going out with him again.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:12pm

  760. 760: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @KS

    Thank you, thank you. ALL wise words here. I’ll make sure I save it this time.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:13pm

  761. 761: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer this is FINE!!!! “I know that might sound cool, aloof, arrogant.” You should be. You be the keeper of the house, heart and body (not booty)

    KS love the poem!! I have seen it before but way before Rori. Worth printing and hanging up (but not where your new cd date can see when he picks you up) :)

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:16pm

  762. 762: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @767: Alonka says:
    “…I’m back from my date and it was nice, but the guy told me all lies about himself first time when we met!…”

    How did this happen. How did the truth come out? It sounds strange to me also. Was this your second date? But you enjoyed yourself. Good!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:21pm

  763. 763: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I met this guy at a dance party and we spent some time at the party. I didn’t ask any questions about his location or his job, but he told me that he lived in the neighborhood where the dance party was. Also, he said that he owns a spa right in his building. Maybe he forgot all about it, but today at dinner he said that he lives somewhere else and works as a web designer for some spa. He was actually an art major.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:26pm

  764. 764: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka what was nice about him? I did not see a single thing there.

    I didnt see anything there that you deserve or want.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:26pm

  765. 765: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I’m not going anywhere :)

    I’ve learned too much on here. And I like you all too much.

    I just need a break from boys. I’m sure it’ll be short-ish. But it’s not an escape plan–I feel good about it. Like it’s just part of the cycle.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:27pm

  766. 766: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Why not where je can see it? That feels bad. I want to be vulnerable and open

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:27pm

  767. 767: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @771: Alonka

    Eek. That’s a turn off. I’m glad you like the Met…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:30pm

  768. 768: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen, SLV,

    He is actually a nice guy. And we have a lot in common with respect to our interest in art. Surprisingly, I could even tell him things he didn’t know. And of course he feels art deeply, I was very impressed. Also, he complemented me on my outfit and looks non-stop.

    But you are right, the whole thing about him forgetting where he lives and what he does is strange:) Also, he jumped in my cab on the way back and then asked if I wanted him to get the cab. So I paid for it. Now that I think about it, maybe he was hoping for an invite to my place??

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:49pm

  769. 769: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    I hope it will be a short break:) Don’t know how old your kids are, but my son went to college last year and I suddenly found myself living alone for the first time in my life, and I don’t like it! I really want to share my life with someone.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 8:52pm

  770. 770: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Luzy says: I feel disconnected and uncomfortable when I talk to him.

    Then he say things that turn me off ugh!
    So could that be a CD without wasting my time and going to have dinner with him? That will also save him some money.

    Talking to him and finding out if you even want to go out is part of CD. I divide guys into three types. The ones I feel instantly attracted to, the ones that are nice and I feel neutral (yes give them a chance) the ones that you just know are YICK. He already made comments you disliked. This one doesnt feel good at all. This is not a guy you just dont feel interested in, Hear yourself saying UGH! you are feeling bad around him. Dont bother.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:00pm

  771. 771: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @776: Alonka says:
    “…Also, he jumped in my cab on the way back and then asked if I wanted him to get the cab. So I paid for it. Now that I think about it, maybe he was hoping for an invite to my place?…”

    That makes it worse! I thought he put you in the cab and closed the door without paying. He was there too! And asked you if you “wanted” him to pay? Oh, no. On the first date too…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:02pm

  772. 772: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alinka – I would have said.. Yes thank you

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:02pm

  773. 773: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @780: Daria says:
    “…Alinka – I would have said.. Yes thank you…”

    Cool. I’ll remember to say that. :D

    Princess/siren/goddess voice too. I like it!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:06pm

  774. 774: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad a bit. It would feel nice to be hekheld. Remembering to stay on my horse. Nit pretzeling for getright.

    Aopreciaring what ferls goid w him.

    Gentlyy practicing waterwheel

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:10pm

  775. 775: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    754: Femininewoman says:

    Boomer and PG I would suggest reading Rori’s #28 above again. Might also be relevant to DE.””

    Okay I re read it… Here’s my deal… I have experimented with lots of men..all cyberly and telephonically..with the exceptions (3) I mentioned above…

    this is what CD has turned into to me… besides taking WAYYYYYYYYY to much time away from my life -kids-work it did a great job of distracting me but it truly is no different than booze, or any other substance overload…

    Feels great to be buzzed, but feels like sh*t to be hungover… and it ALWAYS has to stop or slow down… I mean if kids are gonna eat, or works gonna get done… And when that happens, I’m gonna get the hangover…I don’t have enough hours in the day to spend online to keep the contact going so I never get the let down… So I can NOT think about which ever one I like the best…

    This last time ALL of the ones contacting me DISAPPEARED!!!!!!! Cold turkey…

    The other thing this has taught me is..I don’t bounce good anymore, not when I come off my horse, and not with my heart…

    I know I am “perceptive” .. “sensitive”… But what I didn’t realize is that I do not know how to “protect” myself from other people’s energy in dating/flirting situations.. I am too sensitive for the dating crap…

    I feel their energy.. feel their expectations, feel pushed and pulled by their emotions… My heart gets so full of hooks it must look like the bottom of a fishing pond…

    I no longer have the pain tolerance… or hope… I once did…

    I don’t want it…dating… And I don’t know what else to do besides just give up and try and be happy single…

    I’m not just in need of a break… I really do NOT want my mind/heart taken over by thoughts of “out there” ..men… something outside MY life… they are NOT in my life on the internet chit…

    And I honestly don’t know WHAT I would do if a live man asked me out here… I can’t imagine it.. I’ve lived here 5 months and it hasn’t happened!!!!!! And YES I do “get out”… lol

    I’m still trying to get the residue and knot in my stomach disappointment over LMCowboy out of me…. OMG when will it pass????? It was the same w/smooth cowboy remember???? I can’t wait to look back on LMCB and feel the apathy and relief he’s gone I feel over SC… I keep telling myself it will happen..I believe it… but WTF? I don’t want to do this chit again..

    What’s the message here? I’d like to learn it so I can quit repeating it…

    I don’t know how to NOT let someone into my heart… w/ SC it was hormonal… I slept w/him..

    W/LMCB it was words/communion with them…. my utmost hearts desire… that which I didn’t believe really existed… and oh look! it DOESN’T! He’s a fraud.. a selfish, NOT REAL…

    And I’m a broken record… sorry…

    Nite my beautiful Sirens… I am so grateful for you….
    PG

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:11pm

  776. 776: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Alonka 767
    Sorry the guy turned out to be a liar…I hate that. I guess he was in the moment when he met you and was trying to impress, but lying just comes back to bite you in the butt later. When I first met my now ex-husby, I found out that he lied about his age and that he had ever visited California (my home state). I should have taken that as a hint before marrying him. :p Plus the cab thing sounded kind of weird to do. I hope you have a better date next time around.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:21pm

  777. 777: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka

    I am not trying to be a pest but:

    He is actually a nice guy? “Nice guys dont lie and hitch a free ride in a woman’s cab.” And we have a lot in common with respect to our interest in art. “So what. They does not justify lying.” Surprisingly, I could even tell him things he didn’t know. “why am I not surprised.” “What kind of art major? I majored iillustration and art history. There are many types of degrees.If he is vague and just says I am an art major that could be a lie.” And of course he feels art deeply, I was very impressed. “Alonka lots of people feel art deeply but dont lie about where they live and what they do.” “I am an artist and I dont go around lying.” Also, he complemented me on my outfit and looks non-stop. “You probably looked gorgeous, that does not mean he has good intentions.”

    But you are right, the whole thing about him forgetting where he lives and what he does is strange:) “It is not strange. It is a flat out lie.” Also, he jumped in my cab on the way back and then asked if I wanted him to get the cab. So I paid for it. Now that I think about it, maybe he was hoping for an invite to my place?? “possibly” Stop with the maybes and trying to figure him out. That is leaning forward and chasing. Your only job is to see if he treats you the way you want or he is not to be considered. Dont be flattered by compliments or his supposed deep love of art. Be flattered with “I would like your phone number.” “I would like to take you to dinner” or what you are truly looking for. .

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:23pm

  778. 778: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry Alonka if I came on strong. It looks like you went on a date with him, for some reason I thought you met him at a place. I see women all the time make up excuses for the guy and then when one comes along that says exactly what he is, she is blown away.

    Also the web design thing, lots of people paste some stuff together and call themselves web designers. The proper name is web interfacers. Then there is web developers and web programers. Its what I am studying now.

    Dont even tolerate a guy that is in the moment and trying to impress. Underneath it all is lying. I dont care if it seems minor. He is trying to impress you with something fake and it is manipulative. He is supposed to impress you with his own true self. There are plenty of guys comfortable with who they are and what they do.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:35pm

  779. 779: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi! just stopped in to say goodnite…
    Alonka, somehow it feels like he might be a good guy to me, too – despite all the awkwardness – and maybe a definite “embellisher!” – but maybe not in an attempt to decieve but to impress – and they all do that somewhat.

    Hi, Lercomari! your letter about your guy was really touching – I’m sad you can’t share those feelings anymore!

    and Ms. Brat – I get it about wanting to be held and when you have been and then they go cold it is just weird…and a warning sign, I think – what do you think? sorry you’re not getting what you want!

    Daria thanks for reminding me about being gentle – I’ve had an awful day, drove thru the trailer park and it was so depressing I just don’t think I can do it – the job…and my boyfriend cut down a tree instead of trimming it and there’s no money to get another so I’ve been like sick at my stomach and yelling at him…

    to the point where I’m moved to the first step of the twelve steps: I am POWERLESS….

    and boy do I feel it!

    Nanceen, I had no idea you were into art – would love for you – and everyone to check out Pamela’s post and work at my blog – liveyourdreamblog.com….she’s self taught but her work is very proportionate and it just radiates meaning and emotion!

    And wow, some of the Houston rodeo art students were so freaking amazing – 17 year old geniuses!! I won first place in 6th grade and the stuff they’re doing now makes me look totally amateur…..just amazing.

    Everyone, spring forward!!! and sleep well….

    Sad about tree,
    J

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 9:53pm

  780. 780: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    The student entries in the Houston Livestock show – you’ve gotta see the first one, it’s amazing!!

    http://www.rodeohouston.com/events/school-art/winners-2011.aspx

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:04pm

  781. 781: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    nanceen RE 785. strong but right on. The compliments about the clothese and looks was just an indication of physical attraction. I am sure he was hoping to sleep with her. I have read as much from another coach. They think of sex every other second

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:08pm

  782. 782: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I feel appalled at that judgement about men – and it’s implied and infered they’re bad and they’re immature and sex is bad too??? FW –

    it’s like an anti man diss, and kind of patronizing of them, too –

    feels bad to me –

    yeah for men! yeah for sex! yeah for every man wanting to sleep with us so we get to choose!!

    yeah for testosterone driven behavior!

    yeah MEN!!!

    J

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:13pm

  783. 783: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Carolinagirl:

    Did you hear from Tim? I read your posts…I think he will call you or text and you might be able to do a little damage control..you definitely need to stop reacting…you may not feel you are but you are.
    Keep your voice casual but firm and low pitched but upbeat. Women tend to get high pitched and the best speech can come out sounding phony, clingy or angry. Record it if you have to and listen to it. Does it sound comfortable and confident?
    When he does call you can say very calmly “ummm I kind of overeaacted the last time I talked to you, I apologize. I was just feeling a little let down as I was kind of looking forward to some time with you. (you fill in what you feel). Dont ask what he thinks. Dont make accusations. Dont analyze him. This is just about how you feel. Breathe calm and deep. Let your words soak in. If he says nothing for a long time, just say with a heart felt smile in your face “I am glad you called.” He will probably respond right there. You might even be back on track. Let him makes some plans or suggestion. If they feel good, accept.

    Six weeks is not that long to wait for sex. Some people wait till they are married but make out heavily. Everything but “it” until the wedding night. I know a girl that did because she felt safest that way. No she wasnt a virgin. She just decided to something different. You can say in a situation, I just love making out until I feel the time is right. This shows you are in charge and in touch with how you feel. If some guy pushes you and wants to know when, you just look at him and smile and say “If and when I will let ;you know.” Many guys are used to women falling into bed with them hoping for a committment. They are blown away by a woman that says “I like to wait.” Dont bother to answer why unless they ask. Shrug and say “I want to be special or loved or married or whatever.” Like its just the way it is for you and there is no argument. For Tim if you want to back pedal a little, maybe say I feel a little unsure about our relationship, I want to wait awhile before I am intimate with you again. Put in your own words. Back pedaling is tough, I dont have much advice here.

    Try and get out on dates or if that is uncomfortable find something that absorbs you. Do something productive, distracting, fun, fabulous and different during the time you would like to be with him. Whatever it is, make sure it grabs your attention so much you dont think of him. You need to turn off the gotta-grab-him vibes. He definitely picking those up. Personally at your age with your youth, I would circular date heavily and platonically. Get used to being with men in nonthreatening situations (emotional) and get practice seeing red flags and walking away from them without a backward glance. Without sleeping with them you will have little attachment and be more objective and not get hurt.

    Take care and welcome.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:39pm

  784. 784: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah j! Yeah men! Yeah sex!

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:47pm

  785. 785: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jaqueline:

    Yes I have seen her art. Very enjoyable. Eventually I will get my website up and running.

    Fem woman was not implying men are immature, bad or sex is bad. But the facts are:

    Men have a harder time controlling their sexuality. It controls them. The high levels of tetosterone contribute to this. Women tend to bond easily when they have sex. Sex at the wrong time, when you bond, you are in love and you are dumped is miserable and devastating. The flip side is probably many on this website have fooled around and felt nothing and walked off. Me included. Found ‘em, felt ‘em, effed ‘em, forgot ‘em. The other side is 100% are here because at some point their heart was smashed. Thats why I was so hyperviligent and adament with Alonka. If you get one teensy red flag, you go on high alert! Her heart and mind are precious as yours is and thats why I get on this blog to try and help. I have already learned my lesson a long time ago with liars. I dont meet liars anymore because I got very good at detecting them and I am not even attracted. So I pass on the liar lessons. I also come here for help for stuff I cant see.

    Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 10:57pm

  786. 786: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    Please pray/send up happy thoughts/ light a candle, whatever works for you. My dog escaped while I was at work – I don’t even know what time, sometime between 12:30 and 6:30. I suspect she tried to follow me to work and she was at the dog sitter’s. I looked for her for about 3 hours, but it was pretty much dark. I don’t know if she’ll be able to find her way home or how far she might have made it trying to follow me. The “dog sitter” is a friend of mine who has his own business and shop. He was working off the premises and hadn’t made it back by the time I got off work. Plus, it was pretty much dark by the time I got off, so didn’t leave me a lot to work with.

    Thanks! I really appreciate it.

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 12:05am

  787. 787: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    RE: #730 – LOL! That is a whole lot of moving! I’m glad you like your new cottage and are getting back your stuff! Welcome to your new home!

    Here’s a dozen of roses for you!

    Love, Brenda

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 3:21am

  788. 788: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer @ 734

    Great! Feels so nice to read that you are feeling happy and content with your life!

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:10am

  789. 789: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Boomer –

    “Maybe I’m concerned that a man might mess with the calm. The calm I’ve craved all my life and now have.”

    Yes, I often think this… and it has so far been true for me. I get to a stage being single where I feel happy and content and love my life. I feel genuinly excited about my life and don’t especially want a man (although sometimes miss sex and cuddling, although I suppose with CD-ing this is unnessary).

    And then after a few months I gradually begin to feel tired of being single and as though I do want a man.

    Then I often get a boyfriend and it is blissful for a few months BUT I usually overfunction and change around my life to fit around the man.

    And then it all blows up in my face and falls down around me, leaveing me broken and hurt. I lose the man and my fabolous life is gone (because I changed it all around him).

    Then because I am strong, I get up, start over and re-build a new fab life.

    At the end of my last relationship (not Mr B) I was absolutely broken, I was not sure if I would mend bc in my head he was the one who I thought I would marry, That was the plan and it never occured to me that it wouldn’t happen.

    That is when I loved back home, which in hindsight was a good decision for me anyway.

    Anyhow, all this was pre Rori. So now, I don’t change my life round for a man. I CD.

    And even though what happened with B hurt, I am not broken and my life is not a trainwreck.

    “Maybe this is is a short phase to go through and when I emerge through it, I will actually finally truly be ready for a relationship? Because I am not pursuing it, it will come to me in a healthy and complementing way?”

    Yes, this is what I am hoping.

    That when my man comes along I will get to keep my amazing life and he will complement it!

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:12am

  790. 790: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I am still struggling with the sugar/alcohol issue.

    I find it so easy to eat healthily during the week and I always lose a few pounds.

    Than the weekend come and I usually go out on a Friday or Saturday and end up binge drinking. Then the next day I will crave sugar and I will have it, lots of it, and then I will also eat fatty and salty foods, and its as though all my resolve has gone.

    And I kinda think ‘oh just one day won’t hurt’. But it does. Mainly I expect bc it is not 1 or 2 little treats it is a whole day of junk food.

    I guess a form of bingeing.

    And all the weight I lost in the week often is back on by Monday.

    Although UI have lost weight since I changed my life and stopped doing a desk job, I have the last few pounds I want to lose and I am sabotaging myself with this.

    So, the issue starts with the drinking.

    I have been dealing with this issue for a while and have tried lots of things but tend to revert back to the same pattern.

    Ok, so why do I drink excessively?

    To me it is a form of stress relief.

    So I get to Friday, and I have been working REALLY hard all week. And I am thinking I want to have a few glasses of wine and finally chill out and switch off.

    But I seem to drink really quickly and that is not good with wine.

    It does help a bit if I remember to have glasses of water in between… but this is not enough to solve this.

    Next I often have a tequila shot.

    This is often to get a buzz bc sometimes I am begiining to feel a bit bored and want to feel a bit high.

    And from there it just goes downhill.

    And then the next day I am in bits with a hangover and hit the junk food.

    I feel a bit embarressed writing about this bc I am worried it will be pervieved as self inflicted. Which of course it is. And I feel a lil’ worried about being judged for that.

    The truth is I don’t want to stop drinking completely.

    I want to moderate this behaviour. I beleive it is possible.

    Ok, so if I break it down the two things that push me to drink too much are stress and unable to relax, and then later boredom.

    Well re the stress I am planning to look into meditation.

    If this works for me maybe I could use this and even do a bit when I finish work on a Friday before I go out.

    Re the boredom.

    Well this is getting less as I am being more open and upping my vibe.

    I honestly think if I can do some stuff like skiing (thats all I can think of right now but I am thinking of stuff to give me a challenge and adrenaline) that will help me feel less bored in general.

    And dancing is always good for keep ing me interested.

    Then it is just about practically checking in with myself and monitoring the amount I am drinking, and slwoing down.

    The weight thing is definitely motiavtion as this is something I really want now! To reach my ideal body weight.

    I have been doing that thing other Sirens have described of eaitng to stuff my emotions and also keep men away, as I had felt overwhelmed when they approach me too much. So I had a layer of chubbiness.

    I don’t need it anymore as I am comfortable being approached by men.

    Isn’t that fab!

    Anyway those are my thoughts on this. I really want to overcome this now.

    If Sirens have anything to add, or any thoughts or feelings on this I feel very open to hearing.

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:39am

  791. 791: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Goodmorning Sirens :)

    just a quick post before i head to my certification class again today…

    all 3 amazing CD’s contacted me last night asking how the class was going :) i feel adored and happy…

    i’m suppposed to meet another CD tonight after my test but i’m feeling unsure about meeting this one…

    i was supposed to meet him last week and cancelled cause i wasn’t a good man manager and double booked myself…but my intuition is kicking and telling me not to meet this one…

    he says nothing in his profile…
    he didn’t have very much to say on the phone either…
    his photo looks like the posterboy on POF…
    he posted another pic that looks nothing like it..???
    then last night i got a few random weird texts from him at 1200 AM!!! like he was talking to somebody else….

    ugggg…feels icky to me

    i’m going to let this one pass on down the river… :)
    i feel good about that
    i feel good about not sharing anymore information about myself with him

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:41am

  792. 792: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    LG…yes i have about 7 meditations that i’ve purchased from that website and listen to one or so every night :) i absolutely LOVE them! she does alpha, beta and theta wave meditations and the theta wave ones start calming my brain waves right away and it makes it easy to fall asleep

    the running meditation is awesome also… :)

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:45am

  793. 793: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oww, and maybe some yoga… to relax on a Friday.

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:45am

  794. 794: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, Nanceen, Lercomari, Daria, Jacqueline, FW,

    Thank you all so much for your inputs. Yes, I paid for the cab, but not because he caught me off guard, but because he actually lives in a completely opposite part of the city and had no reason to take a cab with me, unless he wanted to ‘see that I got home alright’.

    Also, by that time I thought that I am probably not seeing him again, so didn’t want to take an advantage of him. Also, what if he is a struggling artist and he already paid for dinner – not too much, but still;) It’s true that he didn’t need to pay the Met tickets, one of my company’s perks is free entrance to the Met. Ok, don’t know, just felt sorry for him;)

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:52am

  795. 795: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella…do you workout the next day after you drink? just curious…

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:53am

  796. 796: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    K, next habit to break.

    Well this one is already under control but the urge has not gone away.

    Facebook – whenever I go on there I have massive temptation to look at Mr B profile.

    I don’t bc it is not helpful to me.

    But I want to.

    Luckily he doesn’t ever really comment or do anything on there, which helps.

    Don’t want to unfriend him, and won’t.

    But I am looking forward to the day when I don’t get that longing to look.

    Also I have been avoiding writing status updates bc whenever I do he pops into my head and I would be writing them with him in mind.

    Ie: in case he is watching.

    But I doubt it.

    Grrr, I annoy myself sometimes!

    Oww, I love my anooying lil self!

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:54am

  797. 797: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka…something to think about for the future…(see how it feels in the moment obviously) but the next time a man offers ANYTHING see if you can receive it :) just as an experiment… :)

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 5:59am

  798. 798: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, no – never.

    Always feel too awful.

    Usually just lounge about in the sofa!

    xoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:00am

  799. 799: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly,

    Best of luck on your test!

    Yes, don’t know how you handle this, but I feel guilty accepting expensive dates, communicating as if I’m seriously interested, etc. with more than one guy.. Maybe I just can’t make my blueberry pancakes for more than one person lol.. And I don’t mean being intimate here, I mean to sound like I am sincerely trying to build something with them.. and 5 other people:)) Of course it’s easy to talk to a few guys at first, but then after 2-3 dates it becomes not so easy and I feel like I’m deceiving them. Anyone else feels the same?

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:00am

  800. 800: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    KS re 762

    Thanks – that is it!

    :-)

    SLV – is that the one you wanted?

    xoxoxo

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:02am

  801. 801: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella…maybe commit to working out the next day and see what happens…i know it feels nice to relax and “turn off” from the week but that’s what’s messing you up…maybe “turn off” for the “night” but the next day has to be “on”

    please don’t take this as a bossy answer :)

    i’m just taking your goals into consideration if you want your cake and to eat it too :)

    i have been a personal trainer for 10 years (now it’s more of a hobby and passion…this weekend is another fitness certification…the hardest one so far!!) i have a “real” job now lol

    let me know if you want more feedback than that…but that is doable in my opinion…

    good luck!

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:10am

  802. 802: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka…thank you darling :)

    YES! i absolutely struggle with guilt..that seems to be the hardest thing for me with the whole CDing thing…

    especially after a few dates and i’m feeling a connection with more than one…i don’t have an answer for us lol

    just that i’m trying to just take it day by day and BABYSTEPS that helps me…as long as i tell my truth (and i even struggle with that..like..

    “am i telling my truth?”
    “what is my truth?”
    “my truth seems to change”

    lol…oh it makes me laugh when i write it down like that…

    i guess i’m just saying i’m right there with you :)

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:16am

  803. 803: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka re 807

    So many Sirens have talked about these feelings of ‘decieving’ men in the past and feeling guilty accepting expensive dates and lettting the man spend his money on us etc…

    I understand I have felt it myself sometimes.

    This is a shift in thinking.

    But its an important one.

    Please trust me on this.

    That if you can learn to recieve AND be open to lots of guys at once, not only is it better for you, BUT IT IS BETTER FOR THE GUYS TOO AND THE UNIVERSE!

    And when you do start operating in this way it just feels so much better!

    Listen I know you may think you are being ‘good’ and ‘kind’ by offering to pay for things and not being close with more than 1 guy.

    But the truth is these are still just attempts to control.

    And ways to alleviate your guilt about recieving.

    And that comes from an underlying feeling of not good enough.

    Throw that out. RIGHT NOW!

    The TRUTH is – you ARE more than good enough.

    You are the prize.

    What the guy gets is your time! And that is more than enough.

    Guys expect to pay, in fact we emasculate them when we take that part of their job.

    Guys want to feel good.

    They feel good when they get to pay and look after us! Give them that, they will love you for it.

    Also YOU ARE NOT DECIEVING GUYS!

    Huh??????

    One of the main things about RR tools is that we are honest and genuine. So how are you decieving guys?

    Men do not expect to have a claim on us just bc they have a few dates with us, buy us dinner a few times and bc we get close with them.

    That is a woman’s way of thinking.

    That is expectations.

    All the dating coaches agree that unless a guy has a specific conversation with us about exclusivity then we are just dating.

    This means he assumes you will be dating others.

    He may complain about this but underneath all that ‘grumbling’ he will feel safe that you do not expect and instant relationship and this will make you a more expensive woman and increase his attraction for you.

    This is the truth.

    I am still practising this stuff myself, and sometimes still cave and pay for the odd drink or something (but very rarely, and I notice how it upsets the balance when I do this too much). I find it hardest if the guy is ‘grumbling’ about how much cash he has spent. This has happened to me a couple of times recently, but I think this is more about the guys I am dating rather than the fact that the man pays.

    Remember free dates are fine too if he doesn’t have much cash!

    I am still practising.

    Keep practising Alonka – it will get easier.

    I would love to see you getting comfortable with this!

    xoxoxoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:17am

  804. 804: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Men sometime turn me off!!!

    I am tired of putting them in a pedestal and thinking they are all I need. They lie, manipulate and use women.

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:19am

  805. 805: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    And they make me use typos!!! gosh they are bad :P

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:21am

  806. 806: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    So Jilly you think commit to goinig to the gym or doing a class the next day?

    and this will help me drink less and maybe help me feel better?

    It is definitely worth a try…

    Thanks.

    :-)

    I am a Personal Trainer too so should know better! Lol.

    I am not really training anyone right now but want to get back into teaching classes.

    Doing a Zumba training course soon.

    What certificate are you doing this w/e?

    Sorry if you have already said and I missed it.

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:22am

  807. 807: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @808: Ella says:
    “…SLV – is that the one you wanted?…”

    Yes, fabulous, isn’t it? It was so kind of KS to post it again. I’ve saved it this time. I thought of it from something I read FW posted about “mature man.” :D

    I was thinking of the difference between “boys” and “grown men.” I wonder if there is something similar for “grown men.” If not, we sirens must write one!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:23am

  808. 808: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Off to look for the dog. I slept for almost four hours, but it’s daylight. Prayers, etc. appreciated.

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:25am

  809. 809: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @816: Sweetpea says:
    “…Off to look for the dog…”

    I hope you find your dog quickly. LG’s dog ran off on Valentine’s Day and she and her guy had to search for a while but they found him! With a female dog… a romantic doggy Valentine tale. :D

    Keep those happy thoughts in mind. I’ve also had mine run off and someone contact me after a day or so when he was picked up. Doggies will get distracted and run off, sometimes for long distances.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:33am

  810. 810: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, Ella,

    Thanks:)

    ‘He may complain about this but underneath all that ‘grumbling’ he will feel safe that you do not expect and instant relationship and this will make you a more expensive woman and increase his attraction for you.’

    My whole life I thought that if they find out that I’m going out with someone else, they’d leave me immediately and be right. But I guess it depends on a guy.

    When my ex said he was going to his super bowl party alone and I laughed and said ok, I’m invited to two parties, he said – GOOD! That felt very cold, especially since it was in the morning after a very romantic date – he was waiting for me by the restaurant in a cold rain (I expected him to wait inside), he made dinner reservations at a place that I like, he got movie tickets for a movie I once mentioned I wanted to see as a surprise, he was holding and kissing my hand thru the whole movie, was so tender with me, he was just making me a nice breakfast and I felt so cared for and so wanted, and warm. but now that I think about it, perhaps it was his way of not feeling guilty for going alone and possibly seeing another girl that he was curious about.

    It was a lesson definitely, if I ever hear anyone saying this to me, I’d know it’s not me overreacting and it’s not a mistake – the person means exactly what he says;)

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:38am

  811. 811: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    816 Sweet Pea – I hope you find your dog. Good luck!

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:41am

  812. 812: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm, talking of FB

    Some guy I don’t know but we have lots of mutual friends just contacted me on IM.

    He has seen me out…

    And was just super flirty!

    Hmm, guess my vibe has changed.

    Suddenly men are showing up without me doing a thing!!!!!!

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:49am

  813. 813: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka,

    Who knows what he meant. Thats his business.

    And it doesn’t de-value the time you spent together.

    He may have had a million reasons for not inviting you!

    That is not the point.

    The point (in my opinion from what I’ve read) is that you were expecting and instant relationship and all the extras that being a g.friend brings eg: being invited to all the parties he goes to.

    This may have felt like pressure to him.

    I am not saying that what happened is you fault.

    Just that if you had been CD-ing, you may have heard him say about the party, and not even cared… bc you had a date with another guy, and then another one the next day.

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 13 March 2011 @ 6:55am

  814. 814: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV re 815

    Yes – we could do that!

    I have never seen an equivalent one about men…

    And if we write one maybe it would help us identify the grown men from the boys!

    What might feel fun is if each Siren wrote one line eg:

    SLV:
    Boys …
    Grown men ….

    Ella:
    Boys ….
    Grown men …..

    Another S