Valentine’s Day Has Come And Gone…

   

I thought it would be interesting to completely ignore Valentine’s Day on this blog about Love! I got SO many emails about today from so many relationship writers (including mine…) – I just wanted to let it sit there and wind down, and see what you all made of the day for yourselves…

You are all so inspirational, and I feel so grateful for your willingness to tell your stories about your childhoods – and I’m just mouth-open, heart-open reading all the comments over the last two days.

So – now that the day’s come and gone, here’s my favorite Valentine’s Day post, and let’s do it together – I’ll love me and you love you, and we’ll not have expectations or ideas about the MEANING of this “occasion.” No man enters into this. It’s just between me and me and you and you, and let’s see how that works!

Okay – Valentine’s Day can thrill us or torture us. We can pretend we don’t care, or we can go into a funk, or we can enjoy what we have if we’re in a relationship or have a good date, or we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US.

We can make it a spa day or a manicure day, or a lunch with ourselves day, or a lunch or movie with our girlfriend’s day, or a sit home with a book, or a sit in a park day…and the amazing thing is — it’s really not all that big a deal anymore.

The Symbolism Of The Whole Thing Is About Expectations

What do you expect, that Valentine’s Day can make you feel fulfilled or make you feel like you’ve lost something?

If this is about “forever after” for you and you’re not there – well, the expectations put you in a state of “lack.”

If this is about “right now” – the expectations put you in a state of “action” – “let’s get this thing happening!” comes into your vibe, along with anxiety for having to make it happen.

If this is about “someday” – the expectations put you in a state of “wish” or “dream” – and that can feel good or plain neutral, unless you start comparing the dream to “reality” and fall back to “lack.”

So – what would I like to suggest?

How About We Go Smack For “What Is”?

That means – whatever you’ve got going today – don’t make a decision about if it’s good or bad, and don’t judge it in advance.

If you’re feeling wistful or dreadful, or anxious, or upset, or lonely, or angry about such a stupid holiday, or anything that doesn’t feel good to you, send a Valentine to it.

If you’re feeling upbeat and hopeful, and beautiful (you are beautiful, yes you are…), and happy with the day outside your window, and good with what you want and can do for yourself to have good feelings today – that’s your Valentine, and send it to ALL of you – head to toe – sort of as beauty oil to all parts of you for the next moment and the next.

Let’s make Valentine’s Day about loving how you feel – no matter WHAT that is.

You can actually GIVE YOURSELF a Valentine – buy it, or make it out of paper and markers and whatever you’ve got if arts-and-crafts please you. And when you do it…make sure you love what IS about where you’re at..and just ladle that love on.

I’m going to give a bunch of Valentine’s to me today…here’s one to my Nasty Voice: “I know that even though the sun is shining so beautifully and I feel so lucky with everything in my life, there are little rough patches inside me now that feel scratchy and I can feel you, Nasty Voice, jumping on those and trying to worry me and speed me up…and…well…that’s okay. Happy Valentines, Love, Rori.”

Or…”I see me in the mirror, and, yeah, we look a bit tired, yeah…I can feel how disappointing that is inside, it’s kind of sitting on you, chest…oh…I’m going off now into ignoring this wrinkle…well…I’ll just slather on some love, here, and let’s go put some oil on you…and…Happy Valentine’s…we’re all still here…I love you, as ever…Rori.”

So – I’m sort of writing Valentines from Rori to Rori…

If you like this…go ahead and write some Valentines from you to you, and put them out here for us all to revel in and copy…

And Here’s My Valentine For You…

No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what’s happening, or who out there looks like he loves you and who looks like he doesn’t – it’s all a matter of opinion.

My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.

All you have to do to make it real for you is to see it and receive it.

We pitch love, you catch it.

It might not look like the expectations you’ve been advertised, but it’s love all the same. It’s a message of love.

Don’t try to decode it.

If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.

Inside YOU – it’s always moving around, always surprising.

The way we get stuck in a gear of “lack” or “anxious” is to lean on the same messages over and over and over that give us the same feelings over and over and over.

Strike out new today. Send a Valentine to what isn’t perfect. To what doesn’t even feel good inside you.

Send a message to yourself that you’re up for an upgrade, one word of love from you to you at a time.

The important thing is to take in love – wherever you catch it – from words, from the air, from your own heart, from objects and animals, from trees, from the spa technician, from the water at the pool and water in your drinking glass.

Love, Rori

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704 Comments to “Valentine’s Day Has Come And Gone…”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel disappointed.

    and i LOVE feeling that way.

    Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 11:21pm

  2. 2: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Daria,

    it is true that if we have a man care for you for things that are actually important for you, you will miss out on the fun and power of doing it yourself. you will be stunted, not satisfied, unhappy, on crutches… and will eventually have to learn to do it yourself anyway. because you will not be a full person.

    there are several women that are asserting this and you know its wise. you even believe this too.

    theres no clear formulation of an alternative perspective, therefore you should stick with mine.

    this one

    .

    ****

    I would like to heal this

    Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 11:28pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so sad :(

    i feel unsupported

    i feel shamed upone

    i feel ungot

    i feel unhelped

    Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 11:33pm

  4. 4: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel guilty that i feel thrilled that i didn’t get into ‘the girlfriend trap’ like certain other posters

    i feel totally uncomfortable and unsafe talking about this with myself here

    i feel defiant!

    Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 11:39pm

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe the women Aren’t asserting that, but I am triggered and Hearing that

    i feel lost and scared

    (((Daria)))

    Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 11:39pm

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    so i manifested a sexy fly neighbor!!!!

    and i really just wanted to be occasional smoke friends with him, and now he’s hit me up for today when i was busy and now for tomorrow

    and i was just happy with that, but NOW HE WANTS TO TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST TOMORROW TOO!!!

    this is After i said i was down to just ‘kick it’ tomorrow anyway

    WOW i feel so surprised and flattered!!!

    :) :) :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:11am

  7. 7: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Quote: “Can I take you out tomorrow smoke and get some breakfast”

    WTF???

    over and above my non-existant expectations????

    i feel happppppppppppppppppieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    now he says “Coo can’t wait”

    hehehhehee

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:12am

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmmm nowv he says ‘we will go wherever you want so think of a place”

    uhoh umm i was gonna decline to do so and yet i’ve already thought of a place i Would feel nice goin to… heheh :)

    i kinda feel good that he wants me to pick, im not getting a bad vibe from it :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:20am

  9. 9: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I hear this theme running through the blog now…How about this: We are ALL, men and women alike, filled with both masculine and feminine energies. And we’re all afraid of needing something we can’t do for ourselves and having no one to help us. And so we’re also afraid of needing anyone to do anything. And so we’re afraid of admitting any of this (Brava Daria!). And so we don’t know where the line is and are afraid to cross it – where receiving becomes needing. We have no experience with feeling full of ourselves, brave even in the face of all our fear, and receiving when everything in us says taking is bad and we need to give in order to survive.

    This is a process – of finding when our inner “boy” gets to give to our inner “girl” – who takes, essentially, from ourselves. And when we do nothing but receive and feel, and when we put on our boy hats and go out there and kill dinner and bring it home. The thing here is to get that this is an organic process – there isn’t ONE way to do it, and there isn’t a “result” about it. Being able to “take care of ourselves” doesn’t mean shutting down to taking love and taking kindness and generosity and support and everything else we can imagine from someone else.

    They are not polar opposites or on different tables. We are all these things, all at once.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:49am

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    awww brave Rori comes through with the effort needed to form a clear feel-good alternative perspective :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:05am

  11. 11: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you mucho! i feel supported!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:09am

  12. 12: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im gonna try Psychadelic Mushrooms this weekend :)

    im goin in the woods by Santa Cruz

    i feel so excited to connect with these beings and their wisdom and life force

    and get my new powers as a shamanwoman :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:11am

  13. 13: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel incredulous that these fly sexy men Want me

    they ALL WANT ME

    it feels so magical

    wow smh

    so awesome

    i dont have to DO anything

    they just magically always want me

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:12am

  14. 14: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel sad thinking of middle school scenes where i didn’t feel secure in them wanting me

    aww i feel the numbness and sadness

    and excitement

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:14am

  15. 15: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Daria 2

    I found this really profound. I struggle with this too.

    I am such an independent, self-sufficient woman, so capable and glad to provide for myself, that when I feel a deep, emotional need and I feel desperate for something from somebody, it floors me.

    I feel even more strange and confused when someone tells me I am needy, because I have been able to look after myself almost completely since I was about 18. And no matter what has happened to me in my life I have been successful and thrived.

    So I am willing to admit, this is something I don’t understand.

    I intend to love and heal this.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:38am

  16. 16: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Indigo)))))

    I feel honored you found my words profound

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:41am

  17. 17: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel unworthy and uncomfortable to use the phrase “my words” to represent that

    nv: its not your words its the concept

    it has nothing to do with you

    you’re taking it out of context to flatter yourself (and you should be ashamed for drawing attention to yourself this way)

    plus you’re ridiculous and deluded, you’re not even being paid attention to that way, the way that you’re phrasing it to come across

    sigh

    :)

    id like to heal this

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:44am

  18. 18: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    its bad – you will feel humiliated and embarassed and hurt and stunned – to imagine someone is giving you attention/likes you/is honoring you if they are not

    so don’t think that way unless you have proof that what you’re imagining is strategically and analytically likely to be correct

    otherwise you’re being ‘incorrect’

    being ‘incorrect’ hurts people and makes dad not like you

    and i feel sad

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:46am

  19. 19: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel excited to be seeing these patterns and be healing them

    nv: you’re not healing them… be scared. *Jumps alert into ‘stuck’ ‘frozen listening alertness”

    why don’t i have to do this to myself anymore?

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:48am

  20. 20: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.”

    These words feel comforting and soothing. They also seem unblieveable yet I feel resonate with it and willing to try them on.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:59am

  21. 21: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I am sending a Valentine to my uptightness. I imagine how great it would be not to feel it and feel sad that the reality is different. I love my uptightness. It’s okay to feel this way.. hehe now I feel glad that I can feel, even what I feel is uptigtness. It wiil be better, and it’s okay now. So a huge Valentine from me to you, uptightness. I love you.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 5:43am

  22. 22: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thankful for spring feeling in the air. I feel its warmth and freshness and it reminds me that I am the air too )
    I feel thankful for the first flowers I saw today. I feel warmth and hope filling me.
    I feel thankful to those who assisted me today wirh my several seconds look plus a smile tool. It felt fun and I noticed feeling scared and uptight. Hehe
    I feel thankful for removing signs of mold. My lungs feel happy and loved and taken care of. I feel safe.
    I feel thankful for feeling sad and then bored and going do smth fun for myself after MH interrupted me. I feel so happy to take steps to better feeling choices. And I feel proud for myself too.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:00am

  23. 23: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I do have the belief that a man who cares for me, would honour the day in whatever small way, shape or form he feels right.
    Not by big gestures necessarily, but even just a card, a single flower, cook for me, some inexpensive little gift like chocolates.
    Or ask ‘what would you like to do for Valentine’s day?’
    Yes, I admit to that belief. Why? Because the men who loved me ALWAYS did.
    And it felt nice, it was receiving.
    A man asking for sex and company, without making any kind of effort…to me that is not receiving, it is giving. I don’t mind giving but in this instance it did not feel good to me.
    So I didn’t.
    Because I honoured my feeling of ickiness and feeling less than, as if a man needs make no effort to ‘catch me’. In the end he was upset because I didn’t spend Valentines with him, he assumed I had another man or whatever else.
    Actually, it doesn’t matter.
    I am happy that I did not ‘give’ myself, cook, whatever else. I want to be spoilt, I am a princess…and failing that, I have a nice night in with DVD and make myself happy.
    I want to honour my icky feelings.
    And I want to receive.
    If a man wants me to just give, he is not right for me :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:01am

  24. 24: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t understand why he would be angry and upset at me? I can only conclude that he is angry and upset at himself.
    I only did what felt right for me.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:04am

  25. 25: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the hugs Daria.

    I thought you put this into words very well.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:10am

  26. 26: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel sad this week, knowing that one of my good friends is staying with MrP and knowing that they did think of me..and knowing that the times are gone when we all used to do activities together…
    I feel lonely and sad thinking that all that has changed, and it had to change really.
    I had to get off the rollercoaster.
    So now I am off the rollercoaster and alone, which is ok, as long as I don’t think about it too much.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:15am

  27. 27: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam men bond to us through sex. They feel rejected when we don’t want it. I have flipped my belief to a man asking for sex is a man asking to bond with me. Especially a man with whom I have history. When he asks I now know that we can talk about it so he can know what I NEED so I can feel loved. With the awareness that men and women experience love and bonding differently.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:24am

  28. 28: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I believe it is harmful to have sex with a man when a woman does not feel like it. It causes her to have resentment, and feel less likely to want physical intimacy.
    This was about my needs not being met.
    So I don’t feel like rewarding a man, especially when I do not feel like it. Makes no sense to me?

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:38am

  29. 29: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t reject sex, I rejected a man who just wanted to come around for sex. I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:40am

  30. 30: TamNo Gravatar says:

    If I take a lover, I sleep with him when I want to, not because I want him to feel bonded to me.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:41am

  31. 31: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    On all accounts and purposes, when you are having sex with someone that puts you in some kind of relationship to the person, right?”

    Yes.
    Either a casual one where you are having casual sex in an uncommitted relationship.
    An affair.
    A one night stand.
    A professional service.
    Or en exclusive one where you are his girlfriend/live in lover for now and has no need to marry you as he already has you without full commitment.
    Or in a fully committed marriage.

    He still may not treat you how you want even if he commits and marries you though, so it feels best to me to CD and choose very wisely to get the best most compatible man for me, who knows how to treat a real woman and who wants to and is able to meet my needs and up for a fully a life long healthy loving supportive committed relationship.

    I feel pleased I do not live in Florida.
    Even without the plastic surgery I would be able to give the fakies a run for their money. Fake boobs lips bums noses etc.
    However I do not want a man who focuses on surface level outer appearances. Yuck, like cattle meat market. I am not a piece of meat or cattle.
    Yes I want to look and feel my best. Am so not interested in competing with the botox and surgery junkies though.
    Or any woman in general.
    Ant man who wants a another woman and is chasing after, trying to emotionally or physically connect with have an affair get in the pants of another woman is not the best man or any man I want or am interested in.
    If that is what they want and are interested in not a lot I am able to do about it.
    I would be sending them on their way. Actually giving them a big push away from me as I would feel totally repelled and would not want them anywhere near me.
    I want a man with more depth of character and spirit than that.

    It’s not you as such Tam. Hugs.
    It’s the society we have all played a part in creating.

    We cannot control what others do, want or how they behave. Buying int the surgery addiction/Botox etc.
    Or If a man chooses to want and chase that superficial stuff.
    We can only control what we do and choose not to be part of it and a man who wants the same.
    And move away from where and who we do not want to be around.

    So my question would be.
    As Rori says.
    Why are you there?

    haha re Hairdresser T shirt.
    Yes mine would love it too.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:26am

  32. 32: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7ySXfXdVY.
    :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:28am

  33. 33: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning Sirens:

    I feel conflicted.

    Maybe it’s Mars in my 5th House
    Maybe it’s my libido

    I am leaning forward for s3x
    I mean leaning HARD
    This siren is on fire
    I am constantly on and ready
    . . . but he is not

    I’ve done the feeling messages
    but despite the FMs I’m now always talking about s3x and that I want MORE

    I need to stop this, I think. But then I am not being true to my feelings. I love him and he loves me, I see it and feel it (especially then) – and I want more loving

    I feel conflicted.

    I want to lean back and let him initiate and row our s3x boat, but dagnamit I WANT SOME I want to feel this love, today, tomorrow, now

    And he has told me he loves that I make the first move

    so what’s the problem you may ask?

    I may be over-functioning with s3x

    I went down on him last night and he did not get . . . you know . . . bigger

    but I continued on

    then I stopped and asked if I didn’t turn him on any more

    he said no, he liked it and it relaxed him

    RELAXED?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WTF???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I dropped down into my feelings and decided not to speak on my feelings. I just listened, thought of the four rules and accepted what he said. I dozed off for a minute and then he wanted to make love.

    so we did, and it was good

    but afterwards after I made a cute statement to him about how much he apparently was overdue :) he said “yeah, I had to since you wanted it so much.”

    Now I know I should not be in his head
    trying to know what he is thinking
    or thinking what he is thinking
    or even thinking so much myself since I’m feeling weird (am I slipping into a pit?) . . .

    But I felt something about what he said

    Am I forcing my desires on him?
    Am I overfunctioning by desiring him so much and letting him know?

    I am sooooooooo confused!!!

    I don’t want to lean back s3xually!!! I wanna do it, a lot! But I want him to want me like I’m wanting him. okay, yes, when we have s3x he clearly wants and loves me, but I’m always ON and he’s just mellow and loving.

    And yes, We talked about this and acknowledged that I’m like this and he accepts it, but am I overfunctioning, and what should I do without being untrue to myself.

    And before anyone tells me to self pleasure more – that’s not going to cut it! I want to feel him!

    GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    I feel so confused.

    This feels stupid and I feel embarrassed but this is important to me right now.

    Sirens, help me please – I’m asking for advice

    LoveAlways

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:46am

  34. 34: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I feel totally amazed at how the wisdom of some women’s words can shift you to a better feeling, a place of strength and help you heal and change and grow.

    I feel so thankful for these women.

    I feel so thankful for the womanly wisdom I have access to, and how it saves me when I am shaky and low, and how this wisdom moves me ever forward to a better, more healed place.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:50am

  35. 35: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yeah, and another thing

    It seems we have s3x when he wants to

    I gave FMs about it feeling sunshine to have s3x when I want it and so I started letting him know (in FMs) that I’m in the mood

    It feels unfair to let him row this s3x boat with his oar when I feel like a motor

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:52am

  36. 36: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel mortified.

    I talked to a good married guy friend of mine and got some much needed perspective.

    There’s still so much that I feel confused about.

    Like why I perceived SMC got THAT ANGRY about the situation.

    Married guy friend said that he would feel pretty angry and annoyed if an over-emotional woman told him she had feelings for me and that she couldn’t be friends with him.

    I just don’t understand why THAT ANGRY. maybe I just “sensed” it wrong.

    I just want to be respected. I feel worried about the over-emotional poetry on my fb page and how that’s going to be perceived now, I feel humiliated because I know that I can read too much into things, I just feel so humiliated.

    I know it’s not unreasonable to NOT want to be friends with someone you have a huge crush on who you know is taken. Not unreasonable. Not at all.

    Is the huge crush itself unreasonable? YES. I own that.

    Maybe I should have better “self-control” or something, but the situation reminds me of another painful situation in my past.

    Live and learn.

    Just want to be respected and seen for my good qualities. Want compassion, forgiveness, and understanding shown towards me; not suspicion, not being written off as over-emotional and crazy, not narcissistic, drama-queen, any of that stuff.

    want peaceable, humble, quiet, good life.

    so, so, so, so, mortified.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:52am

  37. 37: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    reading the posts about the male and female energy in side of us… causes me to pause and become aware.

    I used to be in 100% male energy all the time. I got, taught, accomplished, worked, lead… rowed me and my life. That is all I knew and it felt natural … but
    I felt unimportant and unloved.. my emotional side unexercised except at sad movies and I even began to avoid going to ones that would cause me to cry because I felt embarassed and weak !

    THen I found this blog… what an eye opener Girl energy? hmmmm Of course I am a operate in girl and I am a girl…. HA! I had NO clue what it was to receive, lean back. Definatley not my natural state of being.

    Now today… I can shift pretty easily between my girl and boy energy but like Rori said, I feel fearful of receiving something and it then becoming a need from them. Going there feels unwise somehow but I am pushing into that feeling as well to see what that is all about inside me.

    The other day I told FavoriteCD that “he was so good to me” and he said it was his job. Before a comment like that would have really bothered me.. turned me off and offended me. A TOTAL masculine energy response from me. Instead. my girl energy heard him and received his efforts as him doing for me and I get to be the girl here. His words and energy about it felt delightful and loving. WOW and mmmm. How delightful it the balance and shift in me feels. I dont feel unloved or unseen at all.

    I have grown by leaps and bounds and feel so much more healthy and whole.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:54am

  38. 38: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    As a women I need emotional and spiritual connection to want the physical connection.

    And feel happy to reject any man who I am not compatible with and wants only a physical connection with me.

    I want to honor and respect my emotional physical and spiral needs for love making and yes I also have to be in in love with the man and him me. Otherwise I do not want sex with him and feel happy to reject that.

    I do not want to and not able to compartmentalize sex like that I am not a man and do not want to be.

    Not all men are able to do emotional intimacy and are connected spiritually. I do not want a man who is not able to do emotional intimacy and spiritual love making and just wants to F******CK.

    So Yes I feel more than happy to reject a man like that just because he wants to ‘bond’ and feels rejected if he is unable to meet all of my needs for lovemaking.

    I am not here to Mummy and take care of his little boy feelings of rejection and put them above my needs as a woman for love romance emotional intimacy and a core spiral match.

    As a woman it feels best to leave him to become a man and take care of his own feelings of rejection if I do not want to have just ‘physical sex’ with him because he is not able and not comparable to meet my other needs as a woman which all go together.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:54am

  39. 39: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    core *spiritual*/soulbased match.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:57am

  40. 40: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I experience the man “bonding” to (I say “to” not with, because this sticky stretchy connection doesn’t always form from both sides at the same time.) me through reconcilliation of differences, deep communication and shared profound experiences, and yes, sex.

    I can’t deny it.

    “Men don’t bond through sex”. I hear it all the time, and agree with the basic idea. That the act of sex itself does not confirm or deny some sort of bond formed. Sex can just be an action. A mutual action.

    So…No I don’t believe he forms any bond to me through the act itself. I believe where the bond is formed (in this loving and connected relationship) is within the absence of rejection.

    That doesn’t mean I can’t deny him, for any possible reason. I can and do, though rarely. It means my denial doesn’t contain rejection in any form. I am always warm, open, receiving, welcoming. This means there is no ambiguous “I’m not in the mood.” or false “I have a headache.”. Maybe i DO have a headache…Well he would already know that as I speak my feelings. Maybe i’m really not in the mood, well there’s a far better way to express that. “I’m feeling ____. I’d like it if we could save this for now?”

    It’s also not just about sex. There are kisses, touch, play, teasing.

    For some months I have been aware of this and paying attention. And I can say with certainty that one of the facets he finds so amazing, about being around me, is that he doesn’t ever meet anything but love, desire, welcoming, warmth and an open heart. Even when I am within some fully steaming anger.

    I’m really digging that I can break away from this restrictive “Men don’t bond through sex.”

    A WONDERFUL and useful kind of knowledge, while dating. Yet I don’t want to brush away just how important open, warm, and welcoming sex is to a man who is already in love.

    Doesn’t mea nI get to use sex to get to his heart. Just doesn’t work. No…It means I get to use my welcoming of physical affection to not close myself off to his heart. It means I get to LET HIM use sex to het to MY heart.

    Oh my…

    I like that!!!

    xxx

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:01am

  41. 41: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways

    I had this problem with D, briefly, and I felt very much like you. And I tried the feeling messages (“I feel undesired etc.”) and that helped a little, but I developed a tool that worked like a charm and honestly our sex was on fire after that… I don’t know if it will help you.

    When I was lying next to him I wouldn’t touch him, my hands would be on myself, and I would just start sinking down into what a gorgeous goddess woman I was. Really letting my mind go, praising myself, really telling myself how gorgeous and desirable I was (I would imagine Cleopatra of Egypt) and I’d fan my hair out and really revel internally in how sexy and beautiful I was. I’d start to imagine how much guys desire the female form and then I’d turn it on myself and think how much I embodied this. All this until I started to feel a little turned on by myself and I’d start thinking how lucky this guy was to be lying next to an object of desire such as myself and how much he must be wanting me.

    This shift in me was always enough for him to feel it BIG time and he’d always turn to me and start initiating. I started to develop these thoughts about myself as a practice, and as I say, never looked back sexually ;)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:03am

  42. 42: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    and I have plenty of evidence from other people who don’t know me as well to support the “crazy, over-emotional, reads-too-much-into-things” theory.

    I hope that he can talk to people and hear about my compassion, sanity, humor, and depth.

    I want my good reputation back. I want words I’ve said back, things I’ve done back. I want my perfect, naive, trusting heart back.

    I ruin things with guys who actually MIGHT BE interested in me, because I’m so sensitive about “being wronged” by taken men.

    I judge people like crazy and I feel so guilty for that.

    I wish people just understood, but it’s really hard for someone not experiencing the emotions, flashbacks, and unmet needs to understand why the emotions are there in the first place.

    I don’t feel any bad feelings towards anyone but myself right now, and that feels really difficult.

    Maybe I needed to be humiliated just so I could figure out the truth about myself, my suspicions, my emotions and my “lack of control” over them (but is that really what it is? I don’t even know.)

    Don’t you need to feel emotions in order to heal past hurts, grieve, and move past them?

    and why does it have to be such a humiliating process?

    Sometimes you can’t just take good advice, because you truly don’t know what good advice is.

    You don’t know who you can trust, who really has your best intentions in mind, or the whole story of who people are and what the truth about everyone is.

    No one knows that but G0D.

    and I really, really, really need Him, because He’s all I have right now.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:08am

  43. 43: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo…

    Are you me??

    LOL

    I do the EXACT same thing with the exact same results. One time, very recently actually, he woke up from a deep snore, turned over, and just “took” me. It was the most beautiful lovemaking i’ve ever had in my life :-)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:10am

  44. 44: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I Agree glowstix.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:11am

  45. 45: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I LoveAlways, I don’t know what to say. Maybe it is right to give him more space and not to initiate. Or maybe it’s not a big deal to initiate and it means nothing who started it. He can be tired, overworked, etc.

    What I am going to say is only my story and has nothing to do with yours. Dumbcd started having less s-x with me and then no s-x and kept on saying he was getting old, he went to see a dr and then he was on heavy meds for his other problem, and once he said I don’t want to start as if I fail I’d end up feeling so much worse and I felt terrible for him and decided I’d give him space and not initiate (although I never have to begin with). I felt humiliated but believed it was due to his situation. I was probably wrong because he replaced me with someone else, younger and newer, so it was all lies. I have to tell you that I look very s-xy, I’m slim but curvy and quite fit and it never happened before that my man didn’t want me. They may have not want to marry me but they always wanted me. I still feel humiliated. Now I wish I would have initiated and found out, and not passively wait.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:15am

  46. 46: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Annie- 450 from previous thread-”On all accounts and purposes, when you are having sex with someone that puts you in some kind of relationship to the person, right?”

    Yes.
    Either a casual one where you are having casual sex in an uncommitted relationship.
    An affair.
    A one night stand.
    A professional service.
    Or en exclusive one where you are his girlfriend/live in lover for now and has no need to marry you as he already has you without full commitment.
    Or in a fully committed marriage.

    He still may not treat you how you want even if he commits and marries you though, so it feels best to me to CD and choose very wisely to get the best most compatible man for me, who knows how to treat a real woman and who wants to and is able to meet my needs and up for a fully a life long healthy loving supportive committed relationship.” Well said Annie, well said. I don’t even finish read the Rori’s thread yet. Doing things in the meantime and feel a bit flustered. If I am work, I am busy and if I at home, I busy. Hell! Hairdresser told me yesterday I am too busy and I need to go out in order to meet someone. Yeah yeah u guys told me and she is also telling me. You are all right, trust me. As I said on the previous thread, I am thinking of places to go by myself, in fact I had a place in mind for the longest while. I need to call them to get some info on the offerings there in terms of entertainment, if they have a bar setting and just go there by myself to chat. Hairdresser told me that whenever her church has singles camp again, I will go. I am going to ask my minister at church about the singles ministry. There was one some time ago before I became a member but something happened and it stopped. It was supposed to start up again but I don’t know what happened. Some of those married persons only think about themselves and look like they don’t see it as a priority to start back the singles ministry but they want people to find someone in the church. Sometimes I am so frustrated. Finding a good man is a piece a work. (Hissing my teeth).

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:16am

  47. 47: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Love Always

    I don’t have any solid or concrete advice or help.

    All I know is, I have felt the same way. And the more intensely I focused those feelings AT him, the less and less and less sex I got to have. Even if I didn’t perceive myself as being “pressuring”.

    So what I did was owned my frustration. I realized it was going to be there. I devised my own way of turning that frustration into a positive by reveling in my own turned on-ness. I started to see it as juicy and electric and pop pop pow! lol I’m a firecracker! ;-)

    And if those feelings had to last for days…So be it. I am a juicy swirly sexy sultry HORNY woman lol and I can live within that.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:19am

  48. 48: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I still wonder – I never contacted him again as if it didn’t matter enough to me. If he ever had doubts about me – would it tell him that I had a plan B too?

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:22am

  49. 49: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    My girlfriend who is married to my married guy friend told me she loved me last night and I nearly cried just hearing that.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:24am

  50. 50: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Correction:Hairdresser told me that whenever her church has singles camp again, she will tell me. I will certainly go. In fact she told me two persons met their husband and wife on singles camp. That’s so good. Encouraging.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:24am

  51. 51: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    LOL GlowStix

    That’s awesome!

    I’m so glad another siren has this same tool :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:28am

  52. 52: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens
    I feel inspired to keep my boundaries and keep on CDing when I read the blog thank you…
    I met a cd from a dating site last night and we went to dinner, it was very pleasant and relaxing and he was so cute and sweet I’m already kind of giddy:-)
    He texted me and called me after the date too!
    He wants to see me again and we have a lot in common!
    I also have a couple othe guys who want to meet me so we shall see… I don’t want to get wrapped up in just one.
    But I feel proud of myself this is the first date I’ve been on in a long time!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:32am

  53. 53: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo

    :-)

    It started with rori’s unzipper your heart visualization tools and kind of morphed when I discovered the power of this type of “sinking in”.

    I feel glad someone else has the same tool too! I have tried to describe it, and it’s power before, and mostly felt misunderstood.

    I know he can physically feel it.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:42am

  54. 54: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Emerson!!
    :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:45am

  55. 55: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Now I wonder if I blew up my date last night. Hmm

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:56am

  56. 56: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks memulo!
    I was thinking about all of you last night while in my date lol! I was leaning back physically and using feeling messages and waterwheel :-)
    I also asked questions like those first date questions that you can ask I the beginning because there are no expectations… Also feel that I can be honest with him about how I feel…

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:58am

  57. 57: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix

    Yes, this is how it started with me too.

    I remember how frustrated and unwanted I felt. When I first tried it I was feeling a little bit good about myself anyway, but as really started to let my thoughts go I was amazed that I could feel a little bit in love with myself. And yes, the effect on him was magical. Even if he says he’s tired or not in the mood or not feeling well, this particular tool works 90% of the time.

    Yay us :)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:58am

  58. 58: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    He was cute and dressed nice! I felt a lil turned on Hee Hee

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:59am

  59. 59: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Came online quick to post on the other thread but also want to read this one on my phone today.

    Busy day!! We (J and I) officially own a business together!!! We got all the approvals yesterday and today we’re off to make dreams reality! :-)

    Much Love,
    Merdedes

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 9:04am

  60. 60: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    can’t read on my phone if I don’t check the box…:-)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 9:21am

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Reading some stuff I feel like shaking the poster abd screaming ‘Stop Mindfuchkin yourself and go on some real dates!!!!’

    Then I feel shocked ashamed weird ‘mortified’ scared panicked embarassed frozen

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 9:52am

  62. 62: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Daria who were you thinking should go on real dates? Was it about your own stuff?

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:05am

  63. 63: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways I was listening to John Gray on the Art of Love series. He says a man bond with a woman through sex so when a man chooses to initiate sex it shows he is wanting to bond with you. He also said something similar to what I have seen Dominique write. Self pleasure turns men on. He also said overgiving is bad for your sex life. During the interview he suggested while lying next to the men you can ask him if he is in the mood. If not just let him know that you are and you are going to touch yourself and pleasure yourself as this is what you need. He suggests thinking about him while you do that as there is a structure in the male nose that is very attuned to your pheremones. He clearly said the self pleasuring at that point turns on most men and they practically can’t help themselves after that. I would test that theory next time rather than dealing with the frustration.

    There was another siren who used to post on the blog some time ago. She was someone who at some point in time chose to get paid for sex. Her comment was that she always self pleasured while having sex and found it almost shocking that other women don’t do so. She thought it was standard practice.

    One of Rori’s pillars of advice is that men fall in love with us when they see us happy and pleased in their presence without depending on them to do or without it being their responsibility. I wonder if we believe that sex is one of those things she has in mind when she says that.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:09am

  64. 64: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Men don’t bond through sex” has a context and vice versa. If they are not feeling the amount of attraction they need to feel or if the woman is there as a friend, no because that is not what he wants. If it is his woman who he is attracted to and have chosen to be “the one” for him then he bonds through sex. That is what I understood John Gray to be saying. I won’t be the one to argue with that man’s theory. I’d prefer to test it.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:16am

  65. 65: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I think I made a stupid mistake last night. Grrrrr!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:20am

  66. 66: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mistakes are a part of learning. Without them there is no learning.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:21am

  67. 67: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Annie – 38. “As a women I need emotional and spiritual connection to want the physical connection.

    And feel happy to reject any man who I am not compatible with and wants only a physical connection with me.

    I want to honor and respect my emotional physical and spiral needs for love making and yes I also have to be in in love with the man and him me. Otherwise I do not want sex with him and feel happy to reject that.

    I do not want to and not able to compartmentalize sex like that I am not a man and do not want to be.

    Not all men are able to do emotional intimacy and are connected spiritually. I do not want a man who is not able to do emotional intimacy and spiritual love making and just wants…….” I agree with u Annie. I am not the type of girl who has sex outside the context of a relationship. I told a long time ex (who has remarried) the same thing some years ago. Long before I beame a christian, I was involved with him when he was first married. He then separated from his wife and we were alone for the rest of the relationship which became a regular relationship with his separation. I ended the relationship as he was taking too long to file for the divorce and I couldn’t wait any longer. Became tired of the excuses. He has now remarried which he did years later after I left him. He has been trying to get me back and told me he wants to have sex with me for old times sake. Told him no, that I don’t have sex outside the context of a relationship. So in other words, I am not going to sleep with a man just for the sex, I have to be emotionally connected to u before I sleep with u. And even if u don’t quite feel the same way yet, if after a few months say 3 months as another relationship counsellor said, if I ever find out that all u are after is the sex, as the ladies on “The other Woman” used to say, I would run to the nearest exit. I would be outta there (that relationship) so fast, u wouldn’t be able to catch me. I would run from that relationship, faster than an international track star.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:23am

  68. 68: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Why, why did it work so well for that girl and failed for me… He was crazy about me too. I did nothing, only responded to his feelings. I leaned back, I didn’t call, text, never asked where he was or what he was doing. Intellectually and emotionally I was the top notch match for him. I know that, I meet a lot of guys and it’s ‘almost there’, but never all the way like it was with him. Why did I fail so terribly that he never even looked back. I know next time to be more aggressive and care about myself more.

    I see that for other sirens strong feelings work out in the end. Starla and LoveAlways are back with their men. For me – he treats me as if I never existed.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:28am

  69. 69: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I made the same mistake as I did on the date earlier this week. That is not learning, it’s stupidity:)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:29am

  70. 70: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Okay Memulo. You don’t need my permission to beat yourself up.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:31am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    However that is part of the point of dating. You get to experience yourself. See your patterns with men. Only by uncovering the patterns, becoming aware of them can they be changed.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:32am

  72. 72: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It is amazing how we unconsciously believe that we are perfect and must get it “right” all the time. I believe it is in our quirks and idiosyncrasies that we are humans.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:34am

  73. 73: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I told them both, single men who were never married, that I have an adult son. I don’t have to say this on a first date. I became too talkative lately.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:35am

  74. 74: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe I have seen Rori suggest it is okay. As long as you focus on sharing how proud and blessed you feel having this beautiful human as part of your life rather than complaining. Any man who becomes a part of your life will be required to love your son as much as you do.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:38am

  75. 75: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You don’t “have” to say it but if your NVs use it as a source of criticism against you this will immediately change your vibe in their presence. So I would just thank the part of me that believes it needs to bring my son with me everywhere I go.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:40am

  76. 76: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW – yes. Of course I always share how I proud I am of him, because I am. the guy last night though asked if in the summer the boy stays with me at my place. The guy on Monday said that it means I can become a grandmother soon;)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:42am

  77. 77: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    One thing I learned from Monday guy is the answer to that question. I decided that next time I hear this comment I will say – no, If he is like you he will live till XX age with no children.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:47am

  78. 78: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Most people I know who are grandmothers are really proud. I have a male friend who at 47 would give anything to have a kid. His wife is unable to. You don’t know if any of these guys will be able to have a kid when they are ready. I would look at this as a complement. I would “assume” the first guy is thinking about the convenience of sex. In my humble opinion finding a playful to respond to such comments would serve you. It seems you are taking them personal to the point of being embarassed to be a mother. I love being a mother. It is part of how we get to change thge world.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:53am

  79. 79: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    My 45 year old cousin is so proud of her grand daughter she takes her everywhere. Her self esteem is so high she always find men who always want her

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 10:56am

  80. 80: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Why some always want the forbidden fruit. Some years, in fact many years later after I left long time ex, he told me he still loved me, twice in two years. He had not remarried yet. I think he was in a relationship but he wasn’t so committed. I believed that he still loved me and I was actually falling back in love with him but his actions, plus what he told me above, showed that he was lying. His actions showed that all he wanted was sex so I backed off bigtime and didn’t contact him for 12 years. a little over 5 years ago when I went to my family home for christmas, he called and left a message and I didn’t return the call. Then last October I believed, 12 years after I lost contact, he searched for me and found me and came to look for me at work. He wants to take me out. I told him no cause as u girls know that’s how things always start. I told him when he called me in September that I had just come out of a relationship in which the guy disappeared. (Disappearing ex). He expressed sympathy. He told me he still loved me. I went back to my desk and cried. I was so confused. Here was I with one recent ex disappearing on me and a long time ex telling me he still loved me. Whether long time ex still loves me, it doesn’t matter cause he is married. I told him when he came to look for me that he is out of the loop cause he is married and I want a man for myself. He called me a few weeks ago and I didn’t answer. Called me yesterday and I didn’t answer either. I text him back this morning. Don’t know if he saw bit. I will call him tomorrow. After he called yesterday and I didn’t answer, I thought to myself that when I wanted him back and he had not remarried, (although he was involved with someone), he didn’t want me. Now he is married and this is the time he chooses to want me, when he is MARRIED and nothing can’t come of the relationship. Always want the forbidden fruit. Want what they can’t have. I am going to call him back tomorrow but of course no powers on earth is going to let me go out with. I will tell him again that because is married, he is definitely out of the loop. That’s a dead end relationship. He is telling me that no one would get hurt, meaning me or his wife. Really now! As I sleep with a man, I get attached. That’s how some women are. God designed us that way while for him, it would only be sex. I am good and well grounded. Once a man is married or in a relationship, he is out of bounds for me. Have no time to waste. U see how long it is taking me to find the right man. All these men are definitely the wrong man-this long time ex and overseas cd.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:00am

  81. 81: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Correction:Why some men always want the forbidden fruit.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:11am

  82. 82: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I think Daria is talking about me. This is only in my imagination, though, right? This is what I hate. Can a woman trust her instincts or not? It feels lousy to feel like Daria was directing that towards me without actually saying so, but it also feels loving because I know she feels like she can help me, or she feels like I can help myself and I’m not. It would feel great to go on some real dates, but I rarely get asked. It feels good to say no when I don’t feel good about going on a date with a man. I can experiment and go on dates anyway, and that’s what I can try to do. But for right now, some compassion would feel great. Why does it trigger you so much anyway, Daria, if you were indeed referring to me? I genuinely feel curious.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:25am

  83. 83: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @37 Linda – Ps – I love this and felt so moved by it.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:35am

  84. 84: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @80 k2012 – you seem like a very strong person. I feel proud of you for seeing what these guys are doing.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:39am

  85. 85: Memulo says:

    It’s not about having children or grandchildren. It’s about how this can scare people away when they dont really know you or have feelings for you yet.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:42am

  86. 86: Memulo says:

    I shared this info both times because it was in a natural flow of the conversation and because I am proud. Maybe it’s my NV and the guy will still get in touch with me. When we were saying good bye last night he said he hated to end it so abruptly ( it started to rain and I wanted to get in a cab) he had a great time and wants to see me again if I agree. maybe it just doesn’t mean he wants to see me this weekend.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 11:48am

  87. 87: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve made it an intention to lean back physically on the last two dates I’ve been on. Both men revealed alot about themselves, seemingly catching themselves by surprise. One even caught himself, & asked “Why am I admitting all of this to you!?”Haha. I wasn’t steering the conversation in anyway.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:21pm

  88. 88: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much lamabutterfly. I couldn’t do it without prayer, trust me. The number of times that I have been tempted by long time ex, ah boy. I had to go down on my knees and ask God to help me to be strong and just help me to keep saying no. I am in continuous prayer for a husband. When u are lonely, it is easy to fall to any temptation. I just need to get out there. When I finally go out, whether by myself or with my friend, I will tell u girls.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:23pm

  89. 89: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies happy Saturday

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 12:36pm

  90. 90: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a heavy heart about a conflict with a friend. The friend had a lapse in judgment and due to a chain of events it seems like I got the person in trouble at work. But I didn’t and its now looking like I did and I feel akward and shut out by this person. I have an urge to “fix” it but I feel like its so draining and this person tends to be gossipy and drama so I’ve just been avoiding the whole enchilada. Don’t know what to do :-(

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:03pm

  91. 91: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Reposting this from 2 threads before. This is my theory whereb overseas cd is concerned. Last time I heard from him was Valentines day. He said,”Happy Valentines Day, baby.” I have lost my attraction for him as I told u girls sometime ago. So here is what I previously said 2 hreads ago.said 2 threads ago. “I believe that with Overseas Cd is one of three situations which might account for the reasons why he has not called and is messaging only from December till now. The reasons I believe are one of about 3: they are: 1. He is in a serious relationship and just fooling around hence can’t talk on the phone (but I don’t know if the person lives with him 2. He is just not interested for whatever reason, maybe because I am long distance (although HE was the one who asked for a relationship and told me he didn’t mind long distance) and 3. He is dating a number of people let’s say about 2 or 3 persons apart from me, maybe 2 other persons and has not yet decided who he is going to focus on, so instead of calling me and giving me hope, basically stepping up things, he chooses not to call as he is not sure who he will choose to get involved with and he doesn’t want to step up things and hurt me when he is not sure. I suspect that it is number 3.” If he resurfaces and say hi or say whatever, how do u think I should respond ladies. I am not going to act upset u know, mind u. But how do u think I should respond? Rori, Dominique, Mercedes, Lori, FW, Annie, Starla, and all other ladies, I need to hear from u on this. Thanks so much. I have been on the blog all day. Lol.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:04pm

  92. 92: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ooh, Emerson

    “..I also asked questions like those first date questions that you can ask I the beginning because there are no expectations…”

    Please tell me more. I have a first date coming up and I feel curious about what these questions are.

    I feel happy your date went well :-)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:08pm

  93. 93: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Look at reason number 2 now. I learnt on here, between Rori, Christian and Elaine that men change their minds ver quickly. So he could say that he doesn’t mind long distance relationships and he wants a relationship from me and then changes his mind sometime after, maybe saying to himself that “__________ is too far. She is all the way in ________ so I don’t bother want a relationship with her again.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:12pm

  94. 94: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling frustrated with myself for being afraid of a confrontation to clear things up but now it’s turned into a big thing anyway where this person is not speaking to me.

    Too much drama.

    I think I’m checking out of the situation completely.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:16pm

  95. 95: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Emerson (90), talk it over with her and get to the bottom of it. Friendships are important. Explain yourself to her and apologize to her. Ask her to forgive u and tell her that her friendship is important to u.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:19pm

  96. 96: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi April rose
    I asked questions about religion, his female friend that he mentions often (that’s another story) and also about his past like why has he never been married…
    I naturally worked these into the conversation and it was pretty flowing and easy… I also asked about his living situation and his parents etc because you can learn a lot from their replies, expressions etc.
    Femininewoman I was thinking about you as I was asking the questions as I recall you posting about it. I found courage from my sirens even tho I was on the date alone I brought you all with me lol!!!!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:24pm

  97. 97: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 thank you that is good advice. This friend is very gossipy and I’ve held her at arms length but I will do my part to make peace. If she turns me down then so be it. I was actually a bit upset with her about the lapse in judgement becuz it affected another person I care about so maybe I was not ready to talk to her till now I’ve calmed down

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:27pm

  98. 98: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Back to my new cd… Hmm what shall I call him ? ExoticCD

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:28pm

  99. 99: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emerson,

    I just found this great page about conflict resolution

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm

    It says best to face it and work through it or else it festers.
    Good luck!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:30pm

  100. 100: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “This friend is very gossipy”… Oh dear. I have a friend like that. And she is a close friend too. I had an operation that was very private and she was the only one at work who knew the nature of the operation. Everyone else thought it was something else and I was shocked when I heard it back. How did I deal with it? Answer: I stopped telling her my business, no matter how simple it is. I have forgiven her all the same. Hope u and ur friend will work it out and since she is gossipy like my friend, don’t tell her certain things. Be very careful what u say to her. I have taken the same stance with my friends. I have learnt over the years that u can’t tell friends everything.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:44pm

  101. 101: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks April rose and k2012

    The website was helpful.
    I do freeze up.

    K2012 yes I’m careful what I tell her from day one. But I just feel icky thinking that she won’t talk to me and is likely talking crap about me. It feels very juvenile. Also I wonder why do I care when likely this person is talking crap behind my back but all the same I want peace….

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:52pm

  102. 102: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Also we work in the same profession so I don’t want problems. Ugh it’s starting to really bother me.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 1:54pm

  103. 103: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    In my experience, people who have that urge to connect with people through talking about others in a dramatic way (i’m trying not to apply any negative titles to any humans) will just make the stories up if they are not supplied. I like to paint them with love in my mind because quite possibly they don’t have adequate social skills to connect without doing this.

    I used to be one of those people. I LOVE people and never wanted to harm them or cause them stress. I just did not know any other way.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 2:26pm

  104. 104: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I was also very hateful towards myself, during that time.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 2:27pm

  105. 105: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to make that assumption about all people who talk smack.

    It is still a very good possibility.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 2:28pm

  106. 106: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    K2012… I would like to share this with you… @88 you said you are in prayer for a husband.

    Last fall a really lovely woman who did my hair a few times shared this with me and I let the words sink down into my spirit and I prayed them every day.

    Please bring a man into my life who is spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually compatible that will cause no harm to anyone.

    I have been circular dating, the men all high quality men. My attitude focused on being “a prize” with a unzippered heart, receiving what they brought, with no expectations.

    That began 9 months ago… and last week while I was sitting next to FavoriteCD, his warm hand upon my thigh… I felt overwhelmed with emotion suddenly…because what I had been praying for was sitting right next to me.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 2:45pm

  107. 107: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Aw Linda!

    That feels so lovely to read :-) It’s just one of tge best feelings in the world. You deserve it. Your journey is beautiful!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 2:47pm

  108. 108: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    To just be.

    make space for all the amazing.

    allow lifes lessons to soften your soul.

    allow lifes lessons to strengthen your core.

    exist positively, even when feeling unpleasant feelings.

    flip it, switch it and see it in a new way.

    listen and absorb, feel and process before speaking.

    Some of these took me a lot of practice. Months and months. Still practicing!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:09pm

  109. 109: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    How to make space for amazing…

    The un-amazing comes and goes. Don’t grab hold of it. Let it come, let it be, let it go.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:13pm

  110. 110: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, GlowStix…..I feel inspired by your using the tools in your sexuality….. I want to unzipper my heart, sink down into myself lying next to FavoriteCD. Our chemisty and physical relationship is awesome but…I want to get intouch with this part of myself for my sake. I have noticed that I feel self impared/blocked up at times.

    Recently I have become oddly drawn to watching Beyonce’ … she oozes something that is lying blocked and dormant inside me. HA !…. During the superbowl.. everybody at the party I was at was talking and eating and there I was glued to the TV, watching her move. My hidden sexual side feeling inspired and secretely mentored. hmmm !

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:13pm

  111. 111: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix…. how awesome.!!!

    How to make space for the amazing? Let go of what you are holding on to that is not amazing so you can make room for it……. I love IT!!!!

    Same thing for our love lives… if we are holding on to a man that is not “our man”… let go and make room for him!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:26pm

  112. 112: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Saying hello to you ladies.

    It’s good to come here and feel sane. It feels good to know you are sexy women living real lives.

    I’m going a bit nuts with having been almost entirely alone for a week.
    I live in a very small town,populated mostly by retired people. My best friend is a 93 year-old woman.

    My other best friend used to be EM. Remember, the man with the guns and the murder fantasies?
    We don’t see each other any more.
    Tonight he drove past me and beeped the horn and waved. That was the first time I’d seen him in three months.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:27pm

  113. 113: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Linda

    “..Same thing for our love lives… if we are holding on to a man that is not “our man”… let go and make room for him!..”

    Thank you for this.

    I am pretty sure I let go of WM on Valentine’s Day. He was out of town working. I spent the day feeling neutral whenever I thought of him, and enjoying the anticipation of circular dating.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:30pm

  114. 114: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs to you April Rose

    —-

    I love the Beyonce’ song that says… If you liked then you should have put a ring on it. Makes me inner Sexy Confident Diva stand up and say HE*L YEAH!

    ( I am feeling pretty spunky tonight! ) HA

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:39pm

  115. 115: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    I love the vibe of your spunky postings.

    I remember not so long ago when you were asking for tips on writing an online profile.
    Well, lady. Please can I have some tips from YOU!

    I feel delighted. I have seen you blossom, and I feel proud, encouraged, and smiley-warm whenever I see your postings.

    Thank you for the hug. It feels so good to have a friend right now.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 3:49pm

  116. 116: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((((hugs)))))) all around!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 4:32pm

  117. 117: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Missy Glowstick,

    Is one of those hugs for me? ;-)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 4:37pm

  118. 118: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, of course April Rose! :-)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 4:40pm

  119. 119: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feelin’ all cuddled-up.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 4:50pm

  120. 120: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    :-)

    Me too!

    And my tummy feels warm and full. Happy!

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 5:13pm

  121. 121: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “Please bring a man into my life who is spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually compatible that will cause no harm to anyone.” Linda, 106. Good evening ladies, how are u this evening? Linda, thank u SO MUCH for sharing that prayer with me. I truly appreciate it. I will certainly copy it and email it to myself. I am so happy that things are working out with Favourite CD. I wish u all the best. God answers prayers girl, I am telling. that prayer covers all the areas. “I have been circular dating, the men all high quality men. My attitude focused on being “a prize” with a unzippered heart, receiving what they brought, with no expectations.” The men are high quality men? Do u mean in terms of occupation, their standards, etc? I would love to know. How did u meet them? Online ? Or did u go out by yourself? Other ladies on here, how did u meet your cds? The first place I am thinking of going is the park. It is just to decide which evening I will go.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:13pm

  122. 122: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “I want peace…”. Indeed Emerson. I agree.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:50pm

  123. 123: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    OK for those following the drama that is now my life haha…..

    Ok – so I think I messed up big time (I know NV…but there it is….)

    Anyway – so last night at the end of work he TOTALLY had a chance to talk about Valentines Day etc. Nothing was said from him. He didnt even thank me again for the gift, whatever.

    Then he said he would try to text me later…..whatever.

    He did text me but only one text. I answered. That was it. – wow, big deal.

    Then today I was at a friends working on some stuff with her. He texted me at 10, then 11, then 3:30. I didnt answer. I was busy, and didnt FEEL like answering.

    I know I didnt circular date today, but I did get out of the house, and was EXTREMELY BUSY all day – and now I’m exhausted! And that FEELS GREAT. It felt great to have my mind on something other than him.

    My friend said that now that he said that he never wants to get married its like a big elephant in the room and it needs to be discussed. Do you all think that? She said I could say that I didnt need an answer now, but that I just wanted to acknowledge that its there, and that its giving me something to think about and that someday it will need to be discussed if we are at a place where we are moving forward….etc.

    What do you guys think about that?

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 6:54pm

  124. 124: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, I agree with your friend. The matter needs to be discussed like now. Not put off till a later date. Discussed like NOW.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:26pm

  125. 125: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling so sad this has been a very rough week! I dnt know wht to do??? Hubby eye is getting worst he had blur vision and seeing those floating star things all week headaches. Went to doctor they found bunch of cysts on his eye plus little hole in his retina he is so depressed and distant and withdrawaling a lot I’m so worried about him…………….this is gotta be a horrible feeling to lose eye sight. Idk idk idk idk feeling so sad and helplesss wish I could take his pain away………….. hopefully I can get some sleep tonight

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:36pm

  126. 126: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Wooowwwwww
    The power of feeling messages…
    On very very trusted inner guidance, I called T today (even though he was listed in my phone as Never Ever Never Never Never Ever Again, which made me laugh).

    I used FM’s all over the place, telling him how I felt about various things and I brought up some stuff from the past and
    WOW
    he GOT me, really really GOT me.
    He validated me and my experience like he was the Validation God or something.
    I cried and laughed
    He was SO funny, poking fun at himself joking about how he would spin galaxies, nebulas, entire UNIVERSES of logic trying to get me to agree with him.
    I felt something release in my body, I felt more relaxed and I felt grateful that I followed my guidance and called him.
    I love him. He is a good, dependable friend and well worth the hellish initial investment.

    It was also interesting that a couple of hours later, he noted this was the first call he’d had from me since 2010 where I wasn’t distressed over man-drama. I felt pleased that he noticed and pleased that I don’t have Man-Drama going on in my life, woo-hoo! Thank you, Rori, for the right tools!!!

    I feel very good, too, that I’m learning to accept people as they are and can see things from others’ perspectives more easily – though with these triggers with my friend, it did take a few days before I got it.
    Because I could see things her way, I learned something new and saw where I was being messy and could clean up my integrity and have better boundaries and communication. I also realized, I need my own therapist to debrief regularly…I need the focused attention and outside perspective.

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 7:49pm

  127. 127: Memulo says:

    I texted my last nights date and asked about smth he told me. I never did this before, was always waiting for them to contact me. Didn’t feel like a big deal

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 8:30pm

  128. 128: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    *Breathing in…breathing out*. I just stumbled across my exs picture on an online dating site. As soon as I realized it was him I tabbed out without even thinking. I didn’t have time to read anything. I don’t feel like snooping, or stalking. I felt my heart race though. Jittery feelings everywhere. I posted about him coming to mind a few times over the last few days, & then my mom asked about him last night. I ended things with him because I want a different kind of relationship than what he was able to give me. In the healing process I’ve developed a better relationship with myself. I’m feeling triggered right now. This is good…or will be. It’s just another layer of healing, & understanding. The universe is stirring things up a bit. I can feel it. ;)

    Saturday, 16 February 2013 @ 9:29pm

  129. 129: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I just had the most lovely evening/day.

    this afternoon I went to a meditation, where it was just my friend, her (newly engaged-to!) fiancé, and this other guy, who was…drumroll please…Indian. Gah! And at first, I thought he wasn’t attractive. But after we all meditated, and we were sharing our experiences, and I listened to him talk – and I was really concentrating on listening, and not even thinking about my own “stuff,” i really started to find him attractive. And when we took off his glasses, as we all went out to have coffee … ooh, then I REALLY found him attractive! lol. I think he has a girlfriend. Dang. But no matter. I can still appreciate that his looks and personality were both pleasant and agreeable.

    And all evening, I was thinking of texting him. But then I would think myself out of it, and I didn’t. I forgot about it. And then he texted me to say it was nice to meet me! : ) : ) : ) Happy siren…

    It doesn’t matter what happens. It’s all just about enjoying the moment, and being who we are, and not worrying about stuff or being attached to the outcome

    I have my meeting with (k) this coming week, where I’m going to get very real and raw and honest about myself. And there, too – not having any agenda, or “outcome” to be attached to. But just focusing on saying what it is I need to say. Speaking the truth. Feeling my feelings, and being who I am.

    This feels good!

    I feel relaxed and grounded…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:02am

  130. 130: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve noticed there are some rather hectic, profound, intense things coming up for me around D, that are coming up to be shifted and healed, and it feels so good, and I feel too shy to share it with you guys, so I hope that’s ok.

    But suffice it to say I was really not feeling good on Friday night. There was a bubbling cauldron of emotions and kind of intense, panicky feelings swirling around me, and yet…. it all felt kind of “surface”. It felt like stuff that wasn’t the “real” me coming up to ask for my attention, like it was a distraction rather than who I really am, if that makes sense.

    I could feel that, underneath it all, there was calmness and strength, but the emotions at the time were a little scary and made me feel terribly vulnerable.

    Anyway, I had a talk with my mom yesterday and what she said was so wise and calming. We talked for about 2 hours and it shifted my vibe to a stronger, calmer, MUCH better feeling place, and I felt a renewed vow to commit myself to caring for and empowering myself, and being calm and strong in a relationship with a man so that I can pursue my passions, and what I love to do.

    This is where my work is – I am successful in my career, but relationships with men are my achilles heel. This is where I’m taking time to focus. And yet I am amazed at how I am coming along, I can feel the difference. Healing, growing, and it continues. I can feel such a difference. It feels good.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:11am

  131. 131: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    (k) would be such a good partner…but he never shows that he’s “interested.” At least not to me…even though it comes out in other ways…not that it’s a problem for me, really. But it could be a problem for him. If he doesn’t want it “bad enough,” then of course it’s not going to happen. (i.e. he’s not going to get the relationship he wants.) If it’s all in his mind, and he’s waiting for it to “manifest” – it’s not going to manifest itself. He must be an active participant in the creation/manifestation of it. Or else it’s not going to happen, and he’ll be waiting forever.

    The same way we all would if we all just waited for everything to “manifest” itself in our lives. Which I guess, for me, goes exactly to what’s been “not functioning” in terms of my finances. I might as well own it – as much as I hate to see it, and look at it, and say that this is the case – I am sure that what I’ve been doing is waiting and “hoping” and praying that, if I just believe strongly enough, and keep doing what I’m doing, that my finances are all going to turn around on their own. But…I just gave myself some good advice, I guess. It’s not going to happen that way. I have to participate in the process. And if I keep doing what I’ve always been doing, I’m going to keep getting the results that I’ve always been getting – which are not the results I want. So I have to actively change what I’ve been doing. And that is no easy task.

    BUT..if I can come up with a few simple things that I can change and tweak, and try to do those for 21 days. And as I get comfortable, maybe add some more actions to change and tweak, then maybe, slowly, I can shift my money habits to more positive ones, and really start to “manifest” (in an active way – not a passive one) what I really want in terms of my financial reality.

    Wow! I think I really just “got” something that I’ve been trying to grasp for a really long time. It makes more sense now, and it even feels potentially doable. Because it can happen in small steps, and it’s all about changing my actions – not just my “mindset.” Hooray!

    I feel positive about this, and optimistic that it can start working right away. Even if I don’t see big results, I can start seeing small ones, and then build on them. yay!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:13am

  132. 132: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    ((Indigo))

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:14am

  133. 133: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Annie (#31) – I think you forgot FWB, but maybe that’s what you meant by “casual and uncommitted” ; )

    Tam and FW, I love this exchange about sex with a man:

    FW: “Tam men bond to us through sex. They feel rejected when we don’t want it. I have flipped my belief to a man asking for sex is a man asking to bond with me. Especially a man with whom I have history. When he asks I now know that we can talk about it so he can know what I NEED so I can feel loved. With the awareness that men and women experience love and bonding differently.”

    (28) Tam: “FW, I believe it is harmful to have sex with a man when a woman does not feel like it. It causes her to have resentment, and feel less likely to want physical intimacy.
    This was about my needs not being met.
    So I don’t feel like rewarding a man, especially when I do not feel like it. Makes no sense to me?”

    (29) Tam: “I didn’t reject sex, I rejected a man who just wanted to come around for sex. I didn’t want to feel like a prostitute.”

    ~~

    Wow, I so hear both of you, ladies, and both of your comments speak to me on a deep level that I feel like I am wrestling with inside myself:

    On the one hand, I want marriage and a strong commitment as a “container” in which to put sex into. Because I have an idea about myself that that would feel really good, and that it would make sense, and the sex would be more potent, and it would feel “safe.”

    But maybe it wouldn’t…

    Maybe that idea is an illusion. And the sex would not feel safer in that context. Maybe it would feel exactly the same as it feels now – only I would be married.

    In which case, what is the point of waiting, if I feel sexual, and I want sex now?

    On the other (other) hand, submitting to my own sexual desires has not gotten me very far in the past. It’s gotten me sex on a short-term basis, and no further. Which is what has let me (back) to the idea that marriage/commitment is the right container, because it means more sex with one person, rather than random sex with more than one person, and no idea who or when that is going to happen with.

    And this has all come up again, because of my encounter with (k) last week. He said that we weren’t going to have sex. And yet he came onto me in a strong and sexual way. And I had a strong reaction. And so my go-to process is, as usual, to start thinking of ways that I can tweak myself to make the situation more palatable – he wants me. Maybe I can change my point of view so that it can work, and so that he will not feel rejected? EW. Okay, typing that, I can clearly see how that is NOT something I would ever recommend to anyone else. Lol

    And I hear you, FW. Men feel accepted by sex. They feel validated, bonded, manly. And they don’t want it to be a “big deal,” because it’s not a big deal to them. It’s just one way to get to know us, and it’s a very powerful way – for both parties.

    But I feel your reaction, too, Tam. If, as the woman, you are not totally “into” the idea of having sex with a particular guy at the time that he is wanting it – what rule says that you have to “give it up” in order for you not to reject him? The idea of that of course seems terrible, on an intellectual basis. But it’s true that guys often to take rejection of their offer of sex as wholesale rejection overall. I believe it can really feel like that to them, even if that is not at all how we mean it. I’m sure I’ve done that to many guys.

    And I’ve also had sex with guys who “wanted it” in that moment – where I convinced myself that I wanted it, too – and later on felt resentful of them, or didn’t want anything to do with them, because, deep down, I knew that I didn’t really want it, and I blamed them, even though I was the one who said yes. Maybe *because* I was the one who said yes. It’s complicated and tricky.

    And for me, I really wish that sex wasn’t complicated. I wish that it were as simple as saying “yes” to a particular guy, because that’s what I truly want in the moment, and it’s mutual, and it feels good. Whether it’s “commitment” or not could be outside of the equation. Sex can be very honest and genuine, with or without that. And men can (CAN – I’m not saying they will, but they can) fall in love with us when we accept them in that way, without making a “big deal” out of it. Because they are insecure, too, and really all a lot of them really want is a woman who will accept them and sleep with them, and provide them with that connection that they can’t get anywhere else. And that is a fine and valid reason for them to want to sleep with us.

    We just have to be confident and self-assured enough in that moment to know that it is what’s right for us, and that we are not “losing” ourselves in the process. That sex with a guy doesn’t really mean that we are “giving” him who we are, or anything at all. We are simply participating in an experience. And this is where I think it can get to a higher level and produce the kind of bonding we all want and need from it.

    But – it can’t really happen if part of us is not totally “into” it in the moment. And in those moments, we MUST say no. Even if it means that the guy feels rejected. Because we must respect ourselves first – otherwise, he never will. He’ll get over the rejection. But we will never be able to get rid of the resentment of saying “yes” to something we really don’t want….

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:36am

  134. 134: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Tereana. X

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:59am

  135. 135: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks sirens I contacted my friend that I’m in conflict with and she agreed to meet me this next week on Thursday … We shall see…

    In other (more exciting) news…

    ExoticCD texted me today a sweet message….he is so cute I really like him and I find myself thinking about him! However one of my friends is supposed to set me up with a coworker and he is cute too !!! Also there are more guys from the dating site that want to meet me yayyyy! My problem is that I’m working too much right now…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 1:17am

  136. 136: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    103-105 glowstix
    Yes I understand what you are saying…thank you for sharing !!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 1:21am

  137. 137: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    My cd called me from his vacation last night. I felt surprised he didn’t get me any Vday gift. He always says how beautiful I am and how much he cares, and that with me he thinks about settling down, and he call every night to ask what I am doing, but he normally spends the bare minimum on me .

    I keep on thinking that with these other guys that I meet on the site and that seem to like me so much and compliment me and even with dumbcd – I am too nice and too ‘normal’ and they don’t appreciate me enough. I don’t know how to change this. I don’t cater to them, I am being myself, I don’t allow mistreatment (except when I am caught off-guard, like with the grandmother’s comment) but still lately I don’t have much luck with them. I need to think how to sound tougher.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 1:45am

  138. 138: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    On my Friday date 5 mins before the meet up time he called me to say – you won’t believe what happened. He felt very tired and took a nap, and didn’t set up the alarm correctly, so he woke up like 5 mins earlier. He apologized 10 times and was asking me to take a cab that he will pay for and come to the lobby of his building, and we would go out in his neighborhood. He repeated it several times until I said -ok, I’ll take a cab and come closer. When I arrived at his address, I texted him from the cab that I am there and did not leave the cab until he came downstairs and paid. I did not go to his lobby;)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 1:51am

  139. 139: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, this is great and enjoy – it’s raining men;)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:02am

  140. 140: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok here is why I”m scared to ask him if he really meant the comment the other day.

    First of all – he knew that my boundary was that I would never just live with someone – that would have to be married thats just my deal. He made it clear several times that he knew that was my deal in the last year and he was on the same page with it.

    The day he said it was the worst day of his life. He was soooo angry, and now he is acting like everything is fine between us.

    And finally, I am frankly terrified to ask him. At this point, I”m not 100% sure I would get a true answer. He will probably say he doesnt want to get married and maybe that is true right now while he is going through this.

    I am scared and anxious to ask him. At the same time, I dont want to be the girl that deludes herself into thinking he is going to do something he has said he wouldnt.

    It was just very out of character for him.

    I’m scared to ask him. I feel angry that I am scared. I feel frustrated that I feel nervous to ask him. I feel like I want to have a relationship where I am not nervous to ask someone something.

    Help? Advice?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:07am

  141. 141: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – how long have u been going out with this man?

    *****　

    I had a good weekend! Went out with friends etc I’ve noticed I tend to rusy things a little…like eating…like even having a conversation..I have been noticing some overall anxious moments while feeling my feeling…Like even while I’m writing this I can feel an anxious desire to complete the “task”….to do things quickly…
    I know Rori talks about this in the ebook…and overall “slowing this down”..
    Does anyone else have any suggestions?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:26am

  142. 142: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie consider that truth is verbal orgasm. Until you speak your truth the energy will be stuck inside you.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:40am

  143. 143: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie

    Are you sure he meant it when he said it?

    I think, as Dominique said it, he could have meant it “in the moment” but he didn’t mean it as a lasting opinion. I have come to see that men are very much like that, in my experience. Words I don’t think have the same gravitas to them as they do to us. That is why we are cautioned to watch a man’s actions, rather than his words. I know Dominique teaches this very strongly.

    I think if it is bothering you intensely, then ask him about it, but if you think there is a chance he didn’t really mean it, maybe try to let it go and watch his actions instead?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:54am

  144. 144: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Heart – we have been seeing each other about a year, but not really. Its complicated (isnt it always? haha.) Anwyay – we are both going through the last year divorces/leaving the other person, etc. We are sort of in the same boat. So – we have never been able to just date and be normal and open, but at the same time, we are in love, and have been very honest (to the point that we say honesty even if it hurts….)

    Thats the reason that I have known from the get go that marriage was on the table with him, and now all of a sudden in his worst moment of anger he said that – and it really upset me, but now he is acting like nothing is wrong. I wonder if he even knows it upset me – probably not.

    @Feminine Woman – well my problem is that I tend to have a bit of verbal diaharrea LOL. I sort of speak and speak and speak and talk and talk and talk, and that never really gets me anywhere because I dont think before I talk and I just spew out emotion and words and this is really important to me, so I want to make sure that I’m asking him at the right time so I actually get a real answer if that makes sense. If you ask someone how they feel about you right after they have had the worst day of their life, you may not get the answer that is really true ifthat makes sense?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:57am

  145. 145: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie my focus was on what you said. You are feeling a lot of fear yet you have not admitted that truth to him as yet. Speaking that truth is standing in your power regardless of whether you think it is diarrhea. I would think of it as an orgasm. Going via the way of truth is the only way to go.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:17am

  146. 146: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – I would encourage you to – Just Forget About it Entirely r Now
    and feel through why all this is happening..

    The bigger issue right now is Your Hung-up-ness.

    It doesn’t matter what he says: if he says – Yes I want to get married — you might distrust it…
    and if he says No, you might hold onto the belief that he could change his mind.

    I guess I’m just encouraging to unearth this FEAR that all of us are dealing with…
    Reread HTRYW and re-start the tools…and let your boy help your girl…
    And maybe when you don’t feel so anxious..maybe then you cspproach the topic…Knowing that whatever he says…you’ll b fine.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:40am

  147. 147: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, you can speak your truth…or not. I personally think this is an awful time for you to be putting demands on this guy. He’s going through a very intense time. Life altering. I think any kinds of demands will push him away and feel like a huge pressure on him. I don’t understand why this can’t wait… neither of you are free of your previous situations (aren’t you still married??) and it just feels like pushing for something that is simply irrelevant at the moment. It may become very relevant later, but who says it won’t change by then?? I speak from experience… I was told also that “I’ll NEVER marry again” and he is now committed (marriage) to me.
    Anyway, this is your call but you asked for “advice” or thoughts, and these are mine.

    I think the most important thing you can do right now is try to figure out why and how your co-dependent behaviors are so deep and consuming you. Letting go of that “constantly thinking/obsessing about him” vibe is probably the most important thing you could do to foster the relationship…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:47am

  148. 148: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so scared that I can’t let go. I make myself act as if I were strong for months but deep down I miss him so much and feel so hurt he disappeared and so unhappy and lost. I feel scared I am missing and have already missed opportunities to talk to him. I feel so angry and humiliated that I mean nothing to him. And so angry at myself that I allowed it to happen.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:58am

  149. 149: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Indigo, you sound so great. I’m continually impressed with how you take care of yourself and honor your own needs in all of this. I know how difficult that is in your situation.

    And I agree with you, and Dominique (and others) who have stressed to Elsie that a comment during a difficult time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s written in stone. We are all (including men) fluid and moveable creatures. Our realities change from day to day. Moment to moment really.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:58am

  150. 150: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Memulo, you do realize that lamenting changes nothing -right? There is NOTHING you can do about the past. You can’t go back in your time machine and change what happened. You can learn from it, but you can’t change it. What good does it do to continually beat yourself up over it, other than erode your self-esteem and cause you great pain???!! Questions to pose to yourself….

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:01am

  151. 151: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    146 I would “like” this post if there was a like button Heart!!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:03am

  152. 152: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren,

    I am feeling safe and warm reading what you are posting to the ladies here.

    It feels good to be in your presence.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:05am

  153. 153: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I am going out for a ride on my bike. It feels so sunny and wintry outside.

    I have hardly spoken to a soul for seven days.
    Feels strange and kinda ghostly.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:06am

  154. 154: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh – you girls are great – so many answers and so much to think about for me.

    @Feminine Woman – I am listening to you – I think I do need to speak the truth I’m wondering when to do it though.

    @Heart – THANK YOU that REALLY REALLY resonated with me. You are 100% right. If he says he didnt mean it, I wont believe him. If he says he did mean it – he might not really – things change. I need to worry about myself and not be so codependent. I will tell you that last night I did not answer his last text, and I took a wonderful shower and washed my hair and pampered myself and cleaned my room. It felt awesome.

    @CurvySiren – yes, you are right as well. Its probably a horrible time to be putting demands on him. Or me. Yes, I am still married (ugh, working on more paperwork today – HOPEFULLy can get it filed by the end of this month) Anyway – yes, you are right. I need to work on me. And yes, I did ask for advice, and thank you for giving it!!!!!

    CurvySiren – let me ask you a question – so when you heard I”ll never get married again (and I”m assuming that probably didnt sit well with you) how did you just let that go and move on and not dwell and think about it? How did you handle it?

    I’m just wondering how to do that.

    And yes, this is a man that has changed his mind before. At first he said he would never ever comingle money with anyone – but he told me that he absolutely would with me – I”m the only person on earth he would do that with.

    Thank you again everyone – keep the comments coming.

    Which program of Rori’s do you think I need the most?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:29am

  155. 155: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy Siren – yes. But maybe I should have contacted him after or even now. I feel so scared to do that though.

    I feel that I may have some behavioral ‘flaw’ that makes them think I am not good enough just because I am easy going and friendly, and don’t cause them problems.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:33am

  156. 156: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    how long has it been Memulo since you’ve heard from him?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:39am

  157. 157: TamNo Gravatar says:

    155 Memulo, often I wonder the same about me…so I am trying to be less easy going etc. I feel I have to change my basic character to ‘demand’ some respect? It seems wrong somehow, but time and time again with certain men I have fallen into the trap of ‘doing something for them, not asking for much/not expecting anything – and being perceived low value’. Either as a result of perhaps because the men were just boundary pushers. The good guys I dated many years ago did not behave like that….hm!!

    Curly yesterday came to my place and said ‘well, I was going to get you chocolates and flowers and take you out for valentines’
    I am thinking ‘and?’
    What stopped him?
    He just said that, on the day itself he sent me a message saying if he should come around for some action between the sheets basically (this is ok btw because I have egged him on..)…but I bet he had neither chocolates, flowers or dinner in *that* plan. So why lie to me?
    They KNOW what to do and how to behave.
    I start to believe certain men just try to get away with as little as they can.
    For me that means I am not going to be their gf. Simple.
    He keeps asking me…I keep saying ‘no’.
    End of.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:39am

  158. 158: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Leaning back and keeping silence unless you are contacted is being passive. It is a refusal to fight for yourself. It is giving up power.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:41am

  159. 159: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – don’t laugh please – 4 months

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:42am

  160. 160: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    4.5

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:42am

  161. 161: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Good morning ladies. I have a lot to catch upon. I will read later when I come back from walking. Going back to work tomorrow. I haven’t heard from Overseas cd since Valentines day as he is messaging less. Newsflash: I just sent him a message “Hello________. I have no expectations ladies. Just saying hi. I am sure he must realize that I have assumed one of the three reasons I listed above (way up in the thread). In any case as I told one of my sisters and hairdresser, even if he was working out, I would not be focusing on him alone unless he started stepping up BIGTIME (whether or not a second cd was in place.) So me saying hello is with no expectations. Just saying hi now and as I said before I put him in the friend zone.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:45am

  162. 162: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, it is a very well known players’ tactics: to say they WANTED to do the right thing. There were times when I fell for it too. Now I would just say – go and bring it. See you later!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:45am

  163. 163: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I won’t laugh Memulo.
    I think you should contact him…
    he’s been on the back of your horse for too long.
    I think you need to jump start the moving on process…
    Email him…say you felt curious about him or you remembered something blah blah…
    I won’t laugh Memulo…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:47am

  164. 164: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    If you ever find yourself in a mindspace where you’re definitely not having “regretful” or obsessive thoughts of what could have been, and you are genuinely just curious to see how he’s doing with an attatchment level of absolute zero…That’s when it will be safe to contact him.

    You absolutely can contact him at any time. Up to you. If you do it from the place you’re in now, however, it may not feel safe, or even good in any way. So just be prepared for that kind of intense “practice”. If you decide to go that route, maybe prep yourself a bit with some of rori’s articles where she says we can do *anything* as long as we are using it to sink in and practice and pay attention to what’s going on with us.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:53am

  165. 165: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, you mean to contact him so that he can reject me again and that will help me to move on?

    In this time, 2 months after he disappeared he removed his profile from the dating site. So I assumed that in his new relationship the girl knows how to stand up for herself. He is still off the dating site, so I assume he is happily with her.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:54am

  166. 166: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Memulo I just saw this and I had to respond before I went walking.”Leaning back and keeping silence unless you are contacted is being passive. It is a refusal to fight for yourself. It is giving up power.” Do u really think so? I would think leaning back gave u power even if u broke it by leaning forward first, like what I just did by saying hi to overseas cd. To me leaning back means that I refuse to run u down or chase u and I am showing u that in the same way u can do without contacting me, I can do without contacting u too. When I lean forward as I just did, I just show I am breaking the ice but I won’t start communicating regularly again especially as I notice a pattern. That’s what I did with the guy before disappearing ex and that is what I am doing now with overseas cd. Later. I have to run now.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:54am

  167. 167: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    The problem is that I can’t be ‘hard to get back’ and contact him at the same time. It’s either one or the other;)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:56am

  168. 168: TamNo Gravatar says:

    162 Memulo lol..I didn’t buy it either.
    In fact, I laughed so hard when he said it.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:58am

  169. 169: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Awwwr thanks CurvySiren

    & Good luck Elsie…I feel good to know my words helped.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:00am

  170. 170: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #165 – yes Memulo …so he can reject u & u can lose hope, feel sad, accept…move on…
    You know ..the old-fashioned way…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:03am

  171. 171: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, right, this is the result I already have, don’t I ;)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:06am

  172. 172: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix,

    Thank you. It is very scary to contact him though plus to think that he is prob with someone else (that he left me for).

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:11am

  173. 173: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – nope …you’re still pining for him…so it seems like you still believe he cares for you subconsciously.
    You still believe he likes you…you still have hope …hence the hurting…

    If you honestly believed you two did not have a “connection” …you would get over him in Five minutes.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:11am

  174. 174: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Any man who kind of just moves on from us or “disappears” is not as “wonderful” as our minds can make him out to be. I’d like to suggest that these men are just NOT THAT GREAT. They are just men. All the energy it takes to think about them so much and orbit around the idea of them puts them so way up high on a pedestal. The only pedastal ANY man need be up upon is the “He gets me he does whatever it takes to make me smile he goes the extra mile” pedestal.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:13am

  175. 175: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    April Rose, thank you so much. Your comment made me feel so warm and smiley. :)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:15am

  176. 176: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I agree that you should contact him whenever you are doing so simply for your own benefit, with no expectations other than finding out whatever you need to know. And I might suggest that you’re telling yourself stories about his activity on the dating site. He may be in a relationship with someone…or he may have just realized that he’s not ready for that at all and is putting focus on getting through his divorce, custody issues etc. You really have no idea.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:16am

  177. 177: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He does still care for me on some levels. Part of it is coming out of respect for not running after him. By contacting I will lose my dignity

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:17am

  178. 178: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    As time passes by, my expectations has gotten lower, but my standards are getting higher. I no longer expect much from men; I don’t even know when I will meet someone again that will get my interest. However, I now have higher standards. I have no tolerance for mistreatment, I want a man who is educated, smart, hard working, compassionate, etc. So the few men I have met so far in the past month are not meeting my standards, I n longer et mad at them; I just let them go. They’re not bad men, just men that will not understand me or treat me right.

    I no longer will date a man just because he is “nice”, I really feel annoyed when I hear that a man is entitled to my chances just because he is “nice”. I want more than a nice man, he has to fit my life as well in so many other levels.

    Sometimes I wish I can loose my attraction to men totally, but who am I kidding? I love men. I love their roughness, their smell, the way they seem nervous when I enter a room. They way they figure out a hundred ways to talk to me… I love everything about men, but now I just want ONE man. He is in my vision, I can feel him, smell him, he so amazing and he fos my life perfectly, like I fit his.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:22am

  179. 179: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix #174 – thank you, I agree completely. So by contacting I will send a message that it’s ok to disappear on me and he can treat me like s-t anytime he feels like it.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:22am

  180. 180: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Elsie, I “handled” it by backing off quite a bit. Accepting where he was at the time, enjoying the moment(s) with him. We did have some discussions about the subject and we shared our truths and fears with each other…. I came to understand what was holding him back and honestly, just spoke my truth quite a bit. For example, he had huge fears around combining finances and so did I …I mentioned that there were no “rules” about marriage, it could be designed any way the two parties wanted it to be. He really had never thought about it that way…in his mind, and experience, marriage meant becoming “one”. I told him I DID want to remarry but never wanted to combine finances again (I was pretty burned in my marriage – long story but I pay a lot to my ex) and also had no desire to live with someone for quite a while, until my kids were much older.

    Anyway, by listening and talking and hashing through it, he realized that marriage could be whatever two parties wanted it to be. He proposed to me last summer. :)

    Again, I want to reiterate that NONE of this happened until I worked a lot on myself. My tendency to be insecure and clingy was a HUGE turn-off and caused us a lot of issues leading up to this. Learning Rori’s stuff. Working one-on-one a bit with Dominique during our breakup… reading, counseling. I really worked at it. I still have my struggles but I’ve learned so much about myself and how to approach relationships. It’s made a huge difference and once I started really grasping this stuff, he came toward me in a HUGE way. I really believe in it.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:23am

  181. 181: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I am in a dead end situation and I am powerless, unless he contact me but that is not going to happen.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:25am

  182. 182: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    We had our first night together exactly a year ago

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:28am

  183. 183: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    My brain is like talking to me a mile a minute right now. Simmer down brain. I’ll say it:

    It doesn’t really matter how smart or well educated or how wealthy or how friendly or how suave or how sparkly his smile is etc etc etc. All the things our minds can latch onto as things we don’t want to give up, and things we *may never* find in someone else. Those things are actually everywhere in men. Not only this but they are superficial. Superficial what???? no way. mmmm hmmm! Totally superficial.

    What really matters to our heart and soul is a mans heart and soul. I’d go so far as to say, if a woman’s *brain* is holding firm to all those superficials there is probably not much within his heart and soul that connects with our heart and soul. Maybe why it doesn’t work out in the first place.

    Grief is a natural emotion. It is a good emotion. It allows us to give something up when we don’t want to. If we don’t allow ourselves to grieve properly, it can turn into depression and obsession.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:30am

  184. 184: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – By contacting him…you won’t be sending any message that it’s ok for him to treat you badly…
    There is No dynamic here, no energy, no push-.ull..No Relationship.
    There is no “Message” being sent.

    He isn’t “treating you badly” by not wanting to pursue you..
    It’s 4.5 months….
    You don’t want to contact him because u don’t want to let go…
    You’re still playing hard to get…
    and its all pretend…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:39am

  185. 185: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Okay GlowStix. I thought his heart and soul were wonderful but then he treated me this way. He lied to my face. So I can’t use it as a ‘connection’ point necessarily. But would it happen if he really wanted me? it didn’t while he was fond of me.

    Now I am the one who lies to my cd’s face – for the first time in my life I am doing it actually. Does it make me a bad person – maybe. Would I do it if I cared deeply about him? Prob not.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:41am

  186. 186: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix, in a way Romantic relationships are somewhat superficial. There is no unconditional love in Dating and marriage. That does not mean it isn’t worth it, it is what it is. I am not going to be hypocritical with myself and say that all it matters is love with a man; truth is that other things matter. For example, I am done having children at 38, so a man who wants children will not fit my life no matter how good and nice he is; that will get in the way. I will not tolerate a man who has no time for me, or to build a relationship with me, I will not tolerate a man who is financially irresponsible or who does not take care of his health etc. Superficial? well yes, but I got to know myself when I circular dated the past year; and I know that certain things are important even if they are superficial. If I do not address them at the beginning, they will become problems in the future.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:42am

  187. 187: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    I admit I have missed a lot here in the past few months…

    Did you allow yourself to properly grieve the letting go of this man? Did you allow yourself to believe he is gone, and be NOT ok with that and cry and scream and punch pillows (if it’s needed). If we don’t go through that process we humans may never fully let go of something, or someone. It is possible, for sure, yet the process moves so much more quickly if we allow ourselves that grief and not being ok with it. It’s like…The more readily you allow yourself to not be ok with it the faster you can move through that and be ok with it.

    I even find, personally, the more fiercely I let something out the faster it is gone. Which is why I scream when I cry when i’m grieving. lol

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:42am

  188. 188: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    I am making assumptions based on things *I* latched onto when men hit the road. (because i’ve not been reading the blog a lot lately) So…I didn’t direct that at anyone in particular lol

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:45am

  189. 189: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to contact him because I don’t want to be rejected again. And then think for the rest of my life that in the end I was on my knees.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:45am

  190. 190: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    183 isn’t a reference to boundaries or must haves…It is more about not using those attributes to “hang on” to a man that didn’t feel it with us. If he doesn’t feel it, we can not *truly* connect with him anyways. Well…Maybe we can, it will be pretty one sided. It can even become marriage (I know THAT well enough) yet it won’t feel fully right, or fulfilling (I know that first hand as well).

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:48am

  191. 191: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo ….how dramatic
    (((hug)))

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:51am

  192. 192: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix for me it goes in stages. At first it was hard to accept that he is out of my life, but with time I got used to it. It is when I meet other men I feel so hurt because they are not him. When I meet other men I realize how much I miss him. It doesn’t matter if I decide that he is lost to me forever, I decided that many times. But the truth is that I liked him a lot more and felt for him a lot more compared to other guys I meet, before or after him. I may not want it to be true but it still is and will be even if I try to forget or push it away.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:54am

  193. 193: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I married a man because I loved attributes like that. His sense of humour, his intelligence, how well
    I “got along” with him. At the time…I would have been adamant that I loved his soul. Looking back that feels not possible. How could I love something he never showed me? He never gave that to me. It was only possible in the sense that I loved my idea of it. What I decided it was made of.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:56am

  194. 194: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, what is it about this man that doesn’t let you move on? If it was me I will go deep into myself and see what is it about him that triggers all the insecurity. Then I will ask my self if my happiness and emotional well being deserves to be sacrifice just to chase this man. Then I just drop it, it doesn’t really matter why he did what he did or whatever, the truth is that it isn’t making me feel good, and I love me more than anything to spend time worrying about what could’ve been or not. he is not in my presence fitting my life an loving me. Send him some love and good thoughts, then Drop it!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:56am

  195. 195: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    on the other hand I know that in Starla’s situation I would have not contacted a guy and it would have been a mistake apparently. Though her situation – and sorry I am referring to it in this way – is an exception.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:57am

  196. 196: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways – 33 – I don’t know if anyone has responded to you yet on this; regardless these are my thoughts.

    When you are in a committed relationship or at least exclusive, it’s OKAY to initiate sex. It seems as though your needs are more than his, and there is nothing wrong with this. It just is.

    So go ahead and initiate it feels good to you. BUT I don’t want you to do so carrying expectations. You need to be okay with a no if he says no.

    This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or find you sexy and a turn on. It simply means he’s not in the mood at that moment.

    You will begin to feel a change in the energy between you, an off feeling in the masculine/feminine energy dynamic when you do it too much, initiate I mean. So then you pull back from initiating as much.

    You will notice a pattern emerging, and you will just know when you overwhelm him.

    Know that these patterns will shift depending on his stress levels.

    So please, go ahead, enjoy. Sex is fun, amazing, feels great, go for it. I initiate a lot, and all is well.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:58am

  197. 197: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    If you are still holding how you feel about other men up to how you felt about him, it suggests that you have not let go. You are suggesting that you felt “alright”, not with having let go of him, but with having him not around physically.

    I don’t know if that makes sense, it feels difficult to put to words what i’m seeing.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:02am

  198. 198: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – 37 – Awesome…

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:02am

  199. 199: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix, yes of course I have not let go. I mean it became bearable with time to not having him around. It is still painful to meet other men.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:14am

  200. 200: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel, thank you, it helps. It’s what I have been telling myself or at least was struggling to tell myself. But then there are weak moment when I think – what if I need to take some action and I am just not doing it because I don’t see it, am weak, passive, not smart enough or capable of handling the situation…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:16am

  201. 201: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo; Now days I just Visualize…

    I go to the situation and make different scenarios, and then feel them. I will see myself contacting him and see, him not responding, or telling me he met someone else, or that he never felt it for me. Then I will feel and see how will I react, will I go to a self destructive pattern? Then I just don’t contact him…

    I will also see that he was happy to see my email, and wants to reconnect (yayy), but then I see myself getting lost and dropping everything for him again and forgetting about myself…Then I just will not contact him…

    I will also see myself contacting him and being ok wit whatever happens, and use it as a learning experience, perhaps as a way to let go of old feelings and expectations and let new things come into my life (whatever they are)…then i just contact him and whatever he does, is his problem and has nothing to do with me….

    It is not what he does that will affect you, but how you feel about it….

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:26am

  202. 202: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((memulo)))

    I believe you are smart enough and capable enough to handle any situation. You just are. It will be learned fears and patterns and built up walls that will hold you back from handling a situation with grace and self care. You may fear the feelings that will come with whatever you believe is most likely to go down. Or maybe you fear being vulnerable. Whatever it is…You are where you are now, and nothing can really happen to harm you or make you “worse off”. You can call him and he can fully reject you and you can take that, and learn and grow and be BETTER off. Anything can be positive, no matter how unpleasant it may feel, depending on your very own perspective. Maybe you call him and he asks you out and you go, and realize he’s not right for *you*. Or maybe you don’t call at all and let him go and allow that to make space for new men to show you their soul and see how you connect with them, without hoping they are the other guy in disguise. Or maybe you call him and he asks you out and it just works and you end up in a lifelong relationship. No possible way of knowing what might happen…

    There are no “what ifs” there is only what is, right now, and what you decide to do with it.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:28am

  203. 203: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    What you have to say resonates with me. Diggin’ it!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:34am

  204. 204: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    k2012 – 91 – What ifs are not so useful for you. It’s better to cross this bridge when and if you get there. Yet that said, see how you feel at the time. If you feel happy to hear from him, say so, and if you feel angry, say so.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:37am

  205. 205: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I am visualizing going out now, and having a random stranger starting a conversation with me, and I am feeling so alive. Truth is the random stranger in my mind is a man, but he/she could be just anyone….

    I am missing some meaningful connection, I am going out to date the world today…

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:39am

  206. 206: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you sirens. Purim is in a week and I was planning to go to the synagogue. There is a slight chance to see him there. If not, I will think what to do.

    Today is his kid’s bday though.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:41am

  207. 207: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    Sounds nice :-) Have fun!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:43am

  208. 208: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    In my experience men from my past contact me when my energy is very open abd vibrationally positive and receptive. It’s like something sends them a subconscious signal and they have a sudden urge to contact me. Even if i’m not opening my energy *for them*. Actually…Especially if i’m not opening my energy specifically for them.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:47am

  209. 209: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – 133 – What lovely processing. :)

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:58am

  210. 210: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    want u to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world ♬

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 9:07am

  211. 211: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 140 – I was absolutely terrified to have certain talks with K in the beginning, and by this I mean three, four years into the relationship. And what I discovered was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, me fears, my past. I felt so unaccustomed. I learned with time that having a talk was not the scary thing I had created in my head as long as I was clean in my communication and did not have an expectation, when I could be okay with a no if no was what I received.

    So you tell him you feel scared, embarrassed, nervous even thinking about talking about this with him, yet keeping it in feels even more awful. Tell him you feel concerned about what was said the other day, and it’s still sitting inside you, festering.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 9:08am

  212. 212: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – 141 – Awareness is key, and you are gaining this. So consciously allow yourself to experience more fully, eg. savoring that bite of food, really noticing the textures, the flavors, the smells, the sounds as you chew, and so on. Stop and take in the vision of a beautiful flower on your route, take it in, notice the patterns, the colors, the flow, the smells, the feel of it under your fingertips. Allow.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 9:13am

  213. 213: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique – thank you for your advice. I read your post several times. Do you think it would be good for me to do this now? I agree with another poster (CurvySiren) that said that if he said he didnt mean it I probalby wont believe him, and if he said he does mean it – he could change his mind one day….

    So – should I have this talk with him now, or just work on myself and wait until he is in a more gentle place to approach him etc?

    Elsie

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:10am

  214. 214: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix,

    I love this!

    The only pedastal ANY man need be up upon is the “He gets me he does whatever it takes to make me smile he goes the extra mile” pedestal.

    It reminds me that I will not settle until I find such a man who is worthy of said pedestal! :-) :-)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:20am

  215. 215: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    taking real good care of me !

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:06am

  216. 216: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “That is why we are cautioned to watch a man’s actions, rather than his words.”. Amen Amen. Indigo, don’t remember if its u who said that. TRUEEEEEE. Memulo, u really liked this guy after 4 and half months. I understand. I was going to tell u to contact him, when I saw further down that u said u are not going to contact him. Maybe u need counselling then. Have u spoken to Dominique or Rori about it. If they live in your area, u could make an appointment to see them.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:09am

  217. 217: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I got a call from someone I met on a dating site a year ago, just before dumbcd. Back then we had a couple of dates and I liked him as a friend but was not sure about anything romantic, though thought if he wants me I would consider. It turned out he didn’t want it and he told me so very soon. It was fine, I felt more relaxed about keeping in touch as friends, but that didn’t really happen.

    So – he saw me on the site and decided to call to catch up. I got so many compliments.. he said – wow, in one year you’ve changed so much. Your job, your apartment, a long term relationship and out of it and you sound so grounded and optimistic and happy. (IF HE ONLY KNEW LOL). I still don’t have feelings for him and it doesn’t matter, but it felt so good to be appreciated, even if I don’t take much credit for all that happened last year.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:10am

  218. 218: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling strange. WM has been away working all week, and I’ve had the place to myself.
    And…it’s felt really good.
    I feel nervous of his return.

    I like the place how I have it – clean, tidy, calm.

    And I like being able to switch off all the electrical things when I go to bed. Feels so calming.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:32am

  219. 219: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if he is coming back today or tomorrow. He hasn’t been in touch to let me know. I feel anxious not knowing.
    I feel angry.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:49am

  220. 220: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, he will let you know once he is back.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:53am

  221. 221: k2012No Gravatar says:

    204-Dominique I initiated contact. I said hi to him. He answered quite lively. He said he is in another state attending the funeral of his best friend. The service was just finished. He was just going to help set up the hall for the repast. So he seems to be busy. Well that’s my first cd. Looking forward to meet a second one. One of my sisters was saying that meeting of the second cd sometimes take time.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:59am

  222. 222: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Sha-sha, I pray for your husband and that God will give him strength at this time. Ask a minister of religion to give him some prayers. I pray that his sight will improve and be fully returned. Luzydel-186.”I will not tolerate a man who has no time for me, or to build a relationship with me, I will not tolerate a man who is financially irresponsible or who does not take care of his health etc”. True true. I totally agree with u.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:13pm

  223. 223: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Rori!

    Your program is BLOWING MY MIND and totally changing my life. Thank you! It is taking a little time to sink in, but my self esteem is improving, I have been taking way better care of myself and I have noticed a significant shift in my energy.

    I spend a lot of time with spiritual elders and have studied many modalities of healing and ancient wisdom traditions over the years. I never imagined I would find the KEY in a California Life Coach, haha. And talking to my friends who are deep in long term teacher-student relationships and spiritual communities, I realize, they are still struggling with their relationships and doing all the things you talk about, in spite of their elevated teachings, living in an ashram or sitting at the feet of the guru for years. Sometimes we just need to hear it straight. I am grateful for your unique wisdom and how it has helped me in such a down to earth and practical way. You are really a Maestra de Amor.

    When I look at my own codependence and the things that I have wanted in a partner but struggle with myself, it is eye opening, humbling and empowering! Which leads me to my question…

    My next task is to heal any and all past disharmony around money, so I can take excellent care of myself financially, too. It goes deep in my family. I am living in a third world country in Central America at the moment, a great place to practice abundance!

    But I am writing to ask for your personal referral for a program that is similar to yours around money. I have observed many coaches of all kinds over the years around the internet and in the Bay Area where I was previously living. I found them so questionable that I had written off coaching altogether several years ago.

    I really enjoy the holistic nature of your approach, and seek a financial coaching program in a similar format that I could purchase (rather than personal one-on-one coaching), that will resonate with me the way yours does. I would trust your referral completely.

    If you have any recommendations, I would be so grateful! And thanks again for everything. I have gone through the complete program and listen to a little very day. I never get tired of listening to you, thanks for being such a great orator and not weird or annoying in any way, haha! I could listen to you for hours and I do! You can use that in your newsletter, lol.

    Now that I have watched all the programs, we will see if it works! So far, so good. There is a guy I met right before I left for Central America who I was pining for just a little. The moment I decided not to put any more energy into a long distance connection, as minimal as it was, he Skyped me and said he wants me to come back to the States and live with him. It felt good but the best feeling of all was knowing that I can have SO MUCH MORE! And if that romance were to ever work out, it would be with the whole courtship that I desire, and completely initiated by him, while I enjoy all these gorgeous Guatemalan guapos. Yee ha!

    Thanks again, Rori!

    Lots of Love,
    Liz

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 12:48pm

  224. 224: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 213 – This was another thing I dealt with, wondering when was a good time to ask for a talk and whether I really ought to ask for one at all, whether this was my stuff to deal with or something to work through together.

    And if I was working with you, likely I would ask you to really look deeply inside, see why all of this was hitting you as hard as it was.

    Following your story, I saw a woman experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress of her own creation, holding expectations without allowing for circumstances so much, and I SO understand this. I’ve been in a similar situation.

    Yes there was his stuff too going on, yet if this anxiety wasn’t present, you may have had different feelings altogether.

    Given what he’s dealing with, I would suggest you to do your best to let this go. As I said the other day, men say things in the moment which they may very well mean in that moment, yet in the next it’s gone. He feels differently.

    If this is still eating at you in say a week or so from now, then let’s revisit this and decide if you still really want to talk to him.

    How does this sound?

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:05pm

  225. 225: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    k2012 – 221 – And now that you’ve initiated contact, put the ball in his court so to speak, maybe this is a good time to see what he does from here.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:07pm

  226. 226: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “Another red flag and a typical
    case scenario of a commitment phobe
    is a man who’s been divorced
    and had a messy divorce… that
    scarred him for a long time..

    This type of man is very unlikely
    to jump into another relationship
    swiftly……

    He will take his time…
    …sometimes years…. before he is ever
    ready for something serious…”

    Ladies I saw this article in my inbox today. In my opinion a man who i

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:08pm

  227. 227: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – If you do want to talk to me, email me, and I can work something out with you. I would love to help if I can.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:09pm

  228. 228: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    It drives me crazy that maybe I could do something about the situation and I am not doing it. Though I tell myself all the time – he dropped you and never looked back, it’s so clear. He made the decision. he doesn’t want you!!!!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:12pm

  229. 229: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Dominique.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:13pm

  230. 230: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “Another red flag and a typical
    case scenario of a commitment phobe
    is a man who’s been divorced
    and had a messy divorce… that
    scarred him for a long time..

    This type of man is very unlikely
    to jump into another relationship
    swiftly……

    He will take his time…
    …sometimes years…. before he is ever
    ready for something serious…”

    Ladies I saw this article in my inbox today. In my opinion a man who is divorced is not necessarily a commitment phobe. If he had a messy divorce and is scarred like what the writer says, that is different. The guy before disappearing ex was divorced too but as I said before he wasn’t ready for a relationship although his marriage had broken up 3 years before and he got his divorce earlier that year. The things he used to say for eg. Some women are angels on the outside and devils on the inside. Was referring to women who liked him at his church. Told me his marriage was bad when I asked him what happened why it ended. Trust me he was nowhere ready for a relationship. In fact he told me that “he is not good with relationships” so I wasn’t surprised when he stopped writing.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:13pm

  231. 231: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Oh dear my comments went to moderation. What did I do wrong? Ok, so Dominique, so jusy basically watch and see what he is going to do. Okay. I will just chill and wait and see what he is going to do. Ladies, I am going to the park on Friday afternoon after work with a book to read. So I am stepping out.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:23pm

  232. 232: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – Big hugs. <3

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:24pm

  233. 233: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Rori says;
    “… we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US…”

    Yes, it’s a day of love: one of my favorite holidays. Some years I think of Valentine’s Day as the first day of spring even though the cold weather is still upon us; it’s spring as in “time to turn to thoughts of love.”

    I’m a little “over-chocolated.” I received more valentines than expected: a really nice box of chocolates from “Sweetie” last Saturday “in case the Valentine elves were snowed in” and then I got a second one on Valentine’s Day…

    Happiness to everyone. The happiness we create is the best of all..

    SLV
    xoxo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:28pm

  234. 234: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:

    “The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.

    It doesn’t matter if the fling lasts days, weeks, months or even years (and, yes – many men are totally capable of allowing friendly “flings” to endure for years…) if it isn’t a lifelong love partnership, with all the commitment bells and whistles you desire in order to relax and feel happy, then it’s still a “fling.”
    – Rori Raye

    SLV
    xoxo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 2:40pm

  235. 235: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very relaxed with my cd. I have no question of when to expect his call, text, next date. I feel secure.

    I wonder sometimes if I am too tired to fight for what I really want and ready to settle for security and relative comfort. Btw dumbcd refused to live in a ‘beaten up’ mode. He fought back.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 3:03pm

  236. 236: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    The truth is – no one can help me. Right words help for 2 hours and then it stops. Maybe one day I will just wake up and it will be gone.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 3:05pm

  237. 237: k2012No Gravatar says:

    233-SLV. I am going to pretend I am in church now and say Amen and if I will also say “pram pram”- a phrase we use in my country when we hear a song we love. FW-u should know this phrase. But trustb me SLV and other ladies all those words written by Rori are SO TRUE. In a nutshell what she is really saying is , WATCH A MANS ACTIONS, NOT HIS WORDS. So then if Overseas cd doesn’t step up and call and show that he is SERIOUSLY wants a relationship then clearly he wants a fling? Ok then. Actions speak louder than words, ladies. Check ur mens’ action whether they are cds, FWB/casual sex, boyfriends and even husbands, cause as someone else said earlier some men marry u and still don’t treat u right although marriage is supposed to be the ultimate commitment.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 3:10pm

  238. 238: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – It may never be all gone, yet it gets easier and easier the more you can feel trust in yourself and the safer you can feel in another’s presence.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 3:19pm

  239. 239: k2012No Gravatar says:

    I am reading chapter 3 now of Victoria Clarke’s book and its wonderful. I have so many books I want to buy. I got this one free, I bought one more and I still need to buy Rori’s e-book. I have lost count of the number of relationship coaches I have subscribed to. Does anyone know the cost of the new edition of Rori’s book?

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 3:45pm

  240. 240: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “You must be strong enough to extricate yourself before you get in too deep.” Victoria Clark. She is speaking about bad relationships. My goodness. I am going to tell my friends about this blog and all the coaches I have subscribed to. I wish I had known all of them a long time ago to receive the wonderful advice that they give to women. And when it is their experiences, its even better cause we learn from them.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:02pm

  241. 241: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Continuing from my last post,”If you don’t, you may find yourself spending years, not months, recovering from the pain of breaking up with someone who was never right for you.” Victoria Clark. This is absolutely true. A truth for all of us who have been involved with men who wasn’t right for us.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:09pm

  242. 242: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    k2012

    Rori’s new edition of her e-book costs $20

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:10pm

  243. 243: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve learned some strong lessons from being with men who weren’t right for me.

    And I guess I would have carried on going from one not-right man to the next, if I hadn’t discovered that I can have a lot more input in choosing the man I want.

    It feels so good and natural to have the tools and the choices and the growing self-esteem.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:13pm

  244. 244: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm,

    I notice I wrote “choosing the man I want”.

    I’m sensing a subtle and significant difference in aspiring for the ‘man I want’, and then thinking of it as ‘the relationship I want’.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:15pm

  245. 245: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Thanks April Rose.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:16pm

  246. 246: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I can influence the relationship, but I can’t influence the man.

    I can notice how the man responds in the relationship.

    It is for the good of the relationship that I lean back (nothing to do with influencing the man)
    My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward. It doesn’t guarantee that he will. It simply creates the opportunity, through the ‘breathing space’ inside the relationship.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:20pm

  247. 247: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    april 245

    Bingo! :-)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:40pm

  248. 248: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Yes April Rose. The power is in our hands to choose the man whom we want and to reject those who don’t fit the bill. Pram Pram!!! Lol. I must email what I just wrote to myself. This is something that we all need to remember.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 4:48pm

  249. 249: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I started thinking – maybe I should have called again back then??

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:12pm

  250. 250: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Liz – you ROCK!! And I don’t want to just throw out a referral to a money guru because he or she is my friend (I’m friends with Gina DeVee, who’s amazing and about “wealth consciousness” – and my friend Virginia Clark does a great Wealth Consciousness coaching (and she may have a small program around it on her site http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com – you’ll love her…) – so, the only thing that keeps sticking in my mind is this: Morgana Rae (you’ll have to google her) has a thing where money is your boyfriend…and I just love that concept. I’m not recommending her because I’ve never bought a program or book, though I’ve read many of her articles and they’re delightful- but if she has a book – you might want to try it. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:17pm

  251. 251: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I should stop.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:17pm

  252. 252: k2012No Gravatar says:

    April Rose 246. “My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward. It doesn’t guarantee that he will. It simply creates the opportunity, through the ‘breathing space’ inside the relationship.” True true. “My leaning back gives the relationship space. It gives space for the man to move forward.” I definitely need to remember this part especially cause sometimes I think that when the man lean back, he is not interested. Not necessarily that cause we all need space, not just men but us women too.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 5:34pm

  253. 253: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 thanks for ur words and prays :)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:27pm

  254. 254: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique – First of all – thank you for the time that you take – not only for me for all of us on here – it really means a lot to me and I’m sure to others. Your opinion always seems to resonate with me….

    You said @213 that I should look to why this was hitting me as hard as it is. Its because I’m insecure. I need reassurance. I look to other people for that because for some reason I cant seem to give it to myself even though I know people will tell me I need to – I just dont know how.

    I think after thinking about it – the reason it hit me so hard is because not only was it NOT reassuring, it was EXACTLY the opposite of that. Also it made me feel like the thing that was my deal breaker and important was just casually thrown out and then there was no discussion afterwards about that.

    You are right I do have a lot of anxiety and stress and worry and frankly a lot of it is my own fault and my own creation – I will have to agree with that.

    Its hard to know what to do – you say to let it go. Some of my friends told me yesterday that there is NO WAY they would let that go and he would get a “talking to” LOL. Some sirens on here said the same thing.

    Its this weird line that you walk to decide whether to give space and time and let something go – or will you look like you are being walked all over by someone.

    I have been leaning back since the incident on Thursday. Well, except for a bit on Friday when I gave him a stupid present LOL – wow, not the best idea. But anyway….

    Then Fri, Sat. and Today I have been very pleasant in my texts back to him, but I havent answered every text, and when I do answer its always very delayed. I am doing other things for myself and for those I care for, so I am really trying to pamper and take care of myself physically and emotionally.

    Thank you again Dominique – I really do read your words very carefully and appreciate them. :)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 6:57pm

  255. 255: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens!!!!!!

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:07pm

  256. 256: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    WELP, I saw Sweetheart Friday night and briefly yesterday. We were supposed to see each other again today, spend most of the day together after his son left. At 3:45 I texted to see what time he was leaving and he wrote back that he’s not, decided to stay. (no school tomorrow) I said, oh, would have been nice if you’d told me since we’d planned to see each other. He said that they had just figured it out. And THEN, asked if I was going to be all pissed off at him now? I waited a little bit and then responded that I felt it might be best to take a break. I said that I totally understood wanting to spend time with his kids, and that I wasn’t mad about that. It was that I can’t be there too (even though I met his son and he told me it went well) because it might cause a problem with his ex. (this is based on prior conversations) I said that it didn’t feel like he was ready to be my boyfriend and that it didn’t feel fair to me. I said he’s cancelled on me 4 times recently.

    Again, like I posted before, if he’d ever said, sorry, this came up… but it’s just always cut and dry, and I feel… rude. As if waiting until 4 to let me know our plans for the day were cancelled is no big deal and no problem.

    He replied that he’d told me he needed patience and I’d assured him over and over again that I understood… was that just all talk? And then said that if I wanted a break fine, wanted to end it, fine…

    I responded that I feel I have been very patient and understanding, and I do know where he is coming from. I said that I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel like a priority. It seems he always wants to see me when he has nothing else to do, but never chooses to spend time with me, or make it work to spend some time with me whenever it might ruffle feathers with his ex. SO, that is fine if that is what he’s looking for, but it’s not what I want, or how I want to feel to someone who claims to love me so much. We talked about all of this during the week, he said he completely understood, yet… again, it happened.

    The conversation ended with him saying he refuses to fight with me and will talk to me later. The thing is… he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?

    I get it now with CDing, I really do. I felt like he was saying and doing all the right things so I couldn’t justify CDing, but it didn’t last. Then, I felt stuck in the girlfriend trap, and unhappy, unsatisfied.

    I don’t know where this will go, if it will ever pick back up… but I was starting to feel scmoozed… if you don’t know that word, it’s like someone just saying all the right things.. but it feels wrong… or almost like a con, or a lie.

    The fact that he is so worried about upsetting his ex, makes me wonder what he’s telling her.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:17pm

  257. 257: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, I really feel what you posted about having a choice when it comes to the men in our lives. I’m in a similar place when it comes to dating. I’m setting boundaries/loosening my strong hold more & more. It’s funny how having boundaries allows for a more relaxed attitude toward dating. :)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:33pm

  258. 258: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Mothers give their sons a “talking to”.

    A woman speaks to a man authentically through her heart and her feelings and demonstrates self care.
    Strong inside, sof outside.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:41pm

  259. 259: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “The thing is… he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?” Yep u are right. If the actions don’t back up the words, it makes no sense. One of my sisters was married to a man who said he loved her, yet put her under so much stress. When she was sick one time and needed him, he was not there. He put her through so many things, she ended up leaving him, yet he always declares that he loves her. One day he did something that was the last straw. She kicked him to the curb. Our family supported her decision 100 percent. She has not regretted it. Actions is a powerful thing. They don’t lie. Anytime u want to find out how a man really feels about u watch his actions, trust me.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 7:53pm

  260. 260: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the referral, Rori! Besos de Guatemaya! xoxo

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 8:34pm

  261. 261: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Aaah CurvySiren,

    I feel so understood and connected to you. I appreciate your support and encouragement so much.

    And may I just say it was so wonderful to read about your process in #180, it just sounds so deep and mature and I’m so impressed with the personal work you’ve done.

    I feel as if you could have been describing the road I’m on.

    X

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 9:10pm

  262. 262: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Things I like about exoticCD
    Smart
    Masculine
    Orders my drinks and dinner for me
    Paid the tab tastefully
    Gentleman
    Cute personality
    Funny
    Sweet
    Open
    Accepting
    Nonconformist
    Kind
    Did I mention hot!!
    Sexy
    Calls me
    Texts me
    Easy to talk to
    Asked me on a real date
    Flirty
    Funny

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:12pm

  263. 263: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hence the name Exotic cd. Lol. Omg. Things a gwaan fe u. Okay let me translate that. Things are happening for u.

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:45pm

  264. 264: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited to buy or make leather opinci ie moccasins

    I feel excited about taking charge of my electromagnetic energy n health

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:53pm

  265. 265: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad n afraid too

    N I feel sleepy

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 10:55pm

  266. 266: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I hooked myself up by putting on the humidifier

    Smh

    Mmm pleasure….

    N I covered the night light on it so I’m not bothered by it at all !

    I feel wow n good about myself how I’m caring for myself

    Thank you Daria

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:01pm

  267. 267: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    N now I have the heater on so I will have both heat n moisture yeeee I feel shivery n thrilled

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:04pm

  268. 268: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Coco kisses :)

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:06pm

  269. 269: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I fuchks w Morgana Rae.

    What I don’t fuchks w is ‘killing’ the money monster

    I killed it and I feel so much better w my stocking to loving embracing non blame n healing n thriving n transforming

    Thanks

    N thanks for healing my energies around this

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:09pm

  270. 270: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 – of you don’t mind sharing w me I feel curious to read Virginias book

    If u will allow me to read it from u can u email it to me magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:12pm

  271. 271: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so good that my girlfriend said my hair looks healthy

    Thank you Daria for caring for me

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:24pm

  272. 272: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited tomorrow is a good day for hair removal…

    I want to trim n design my nani
    I feel numb talking about that

    Shy

    I feel sad my toenails didn’t get trimmed today :(

    I feel disappointed

    I feel guilty

    I feel relieved

    Thank you Daria

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:27pm

  273. 273: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It feels good to answer some POF messages ! I feel pleased that I notice feeling piqued in interest by a variety of looks of men

    Sunday, 17 February 2013 @ 11:44pm

  274. 274: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    I feel restless
    I feel a little cold in my bed, wowzers its cold for Florida tonight!
    I feel a bit frustrated on quest for emotional availability.
    I am getting divorced. It feels relieving mostly. Ihave already filled the paper work, things should be finalized by end of March. I feel sad for my daughter, who misses my ex husband terribly. He left for Virginia without seeing her, he deleted her from his Facebook page…..i am putting her in therapy, both of us, that’s what feels right. I dont want her to grow up thinking this was her fault. Or that she is some how unlovabl…….i am fighting feelings of rejection…..i guess trying to balance them with the reality of the truth., which is i was married to a man who was never in love with me, and was unwilling to give me what i needed emotionally, sexually, spiritually…….i take responsibility for my actions because i knew this deep down, but moved forward instead of honoring all the warning alarms, bells, and whistles that were going off in my body…i thought he was my only option….i didnt love myself enough, and i was looking for someone to save me from myself. All this time i felt horrible because i thought you had to be perfect in order to be loved…….I am good enough to be loved as i am…….i do believe that my ex was wrking with things the best he knew with his limited capabilities. .or maybe i was not the one, and whrn he meets his dream girl, he will be a wonderful husband to her……that’s not my concern anymore. I am working on my own emotional availability…..trying to develop deeper more intimate friendships..i have faith that this is my year for a love of a lifetime..im expecting him to show up……in the meantime im doing me

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:38am

  275. 275: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi coco,

    I feel for both you and your daughter. I am wonder if she will eventually need help with feelings of abandonment. Yayy you for being wise and for choosing to help her with therapy.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:42am

  276. 276: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    IOh and for those of u who have followed this year long drama unfold…the night after our make out session, he cae over fir dinner and was polite but distant, saying he doesn’t know what happeed(the night before) , but he felt weird, at the same time, he was telling me he didnt want to sign the divorce papers, so after being ignored new year’s eve…with the exception of a text he sent me just after midnight sayibg happy new year babe, i decided i needed to take my lufe tinto my own hands…..so i did

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:46am

  277. 277: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks feminine woman. …i feel ur concern. ….

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:47am

  278. 278: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ‘he can say all wonderful things, yet if the actions don’t back it up… what does it matter?’

    So true. And this is where we draw boundaries, make decisions etc.

    I just had a ‘fairly’ lovely weekend with Curly.
    He is one of those guys who talks a lot but not much happens, that much I know. On the other hand, that is also his personality. He just talks. And talks. And talks. And he tests my boundaries, and then stop and realise that it suits him better to treat me nicely instead. Once again he mentioned me getting the bus to his place (just a few blocks down), so he doesn’t have to come up here, to take me for a day out. I simply said nothing, and implied that we could touch base later and see what we do.
    He called an hour later saying ‘so when can I pick you up’. Luckily for him I had not made other plans yet but fully intended to. I am not waiting around for a man anymore.
    So he picked me up to take me to the city, we had plans to go to two arts events – his idea, and I got soooo excited. As he came, I realised he brought the dog. So I knew already there weren’t going to be arts events and we were basically just going for a dog walk in one of the US’s busiest cities….go figure how pleasant that is for a girl who loves peace and quiet and arts and the sea side.
    After a while of dogs sniffing arses in crowds, and stopping at every pole, I got upset. I actually said: you know what? I thought we were going to see some arts, and now I feel disappointed that this has turned into an annoying dog walk in a busy pedestrian street which makes me feel on edge as well as bored. He had a complete turnaround and apologized and said he was so sorry that I was disappointed and what would Iike to do??

    So I said to him to please take me away from the crowds to an informal place on the waterfront.
    And he did. And it was relaxing. He found enough doggie people to continue the arse sniffing and chatting with strangers, whilst I just sat in the sun, watching the boats and the people walk by. At some point I noticed I had tears running down my face because I was thinking of MrP and the place was somewhere he would have taken me, or we’d have pulled up on with the boat. It was ok.
    I was just feeling melancholic.

    I did have a nice weekend, in the end. Not perfect, but because I chose to appreciate it for what it was, and not expect Curly to be a different man, and not expect him to read my mind, just because MrP could read my mind, I started feeling better.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:39am

  279. 279: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Meanwhile, MrP is under the impression that I am upset with him….else our friend wouldn’t have asked me if/why we were not speaking.
    MrP thinks I am not speaking to him just because I told him that I don’t want anymore contact, or rather only authentic talk and no more meaningless texts etc.
    It has been going round in my head to tell him that I am not angry with him or not ‘not speaking’ with him, but I realised there is simply no point.
    This could be a blessing in disguise and keep him away.
    So I let it be.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:55am

  280. 280: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, you are so right! I loved every word you told him. I wish I were this way when it mattered.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:16am

  281. 281: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @coco kisses – wow your story really resonantes with me. Not exactly the same but similar. Anyway – I should be filing in March too – and I’m really ok with it and have tons of support from family and friends. I should have done it years ago but didnt.

    Just wanted you to know someone else is out there that is going through it too..

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:20am

  282. 282: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria – I really like how you just can be so in touch with your feelings and write them down. You seem to be very open and allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is probably exactly why you are in a better place emotionally than me – haha! I have a more difficult time doing that.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:22am

  283. 283: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    The wind outside is howling and so strong. I had a realization as I laid in bed.

    I feel safe inside my home. The wind cant get me or hurt me, its just loud. I”m safe and warm and snuggled in bed.

    Thats the way my life should be too. Things that are hurtful or chaotic or stressful…..they exist out there, but I should be able to come back inside MYSELF – NOT ANOTHER PERSON…..and feel safe and warm and snuggled.

    I am always looking to someone else to feel accepted, validated, appreciated, worthy…WORTHY. I dont feel WORTHY unless I’m DOING something for SOMEONE else and then they appreciate it.

    I’m scared I wont ever be able to be enough for myself.

    I’m scared I will always put the feeling of safety in someone elses hands. I’m so scared I wont be able to just do this for myself. Logically I know I should – but emotionally I cant seem to CATCH UP.

    He texted me in the afternoon yesterday. I waited a while to text back and then just texted that I was out running errands, and he wrote back that sounds fun….and that was it. Nothing all night.

    I’m working on trying to to give. Trying to squash that masculine energy. Trying to allow the feminine energy to grow.

    I will say that when I have felt feminine energy I love it a lot more. It makes me feel powerful and loved when he is doing things for me. When he is the one coming towards me.

    I’m rambling now, but I just needed to get all of this out. I need to find a way to make myself the space where I feel warm and secure, and reassured and nurtured and respected.

    It just feels so nice when it comes from someone else. Maybe I am addicted to that?…..

    Elsie

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:28am

  284. 284: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 254 – First of all thank you for your lovely words. They mean a great deal to me.

    Secondly, I can SO feel what you’re dealing with. It sounds so much like me several years ago.

    I was riddled with anxiety at times, maybe a lot, and those not good enough in any way feelings, and yes, looking to K and others for validation.

    Now I can’t say that validation doesn’t still feel awesome. I think we ALL love to hear compliments and feel support. For me anyway, it never gets old, and it feel amazing each and every time.

    The difference now is that I don’t look for it. It’s much the same as giving a man space to come to you.

    Now in your situation, though I did suggest letting this go. I also said that if it’s still really bothering you in a week or so, if it’s still in there, then you need to let it out. Festering inside you is not good for YOU. It may or may not go over well, yet this is about YOU. And letting it out instead of letting it go may be what you need around this.

    I remember a tiny handful of incidents with and/or words spoken by K in the past that if I allow them to take up residence in me, they would still bother me, hurt even.

    So I take to heart my own words, that men can and do say some strange things sometimes, their own language kind of things which may hurt, yet they are not meant as we as women might take it, that men can change their minds as quickly as we, and so on.

    I (underlined and bold) need to focus on my truth which is that this man loves and adores me, cherishes me and would not intentionally hurt me.

    For you, you don’t have these memories yet to draw upon, yet you can rest assured that YOU love YOU even if it’s hard to believe sometimes. And you always have here to turn to.

    xxoo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:28am

  285. 285: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – 262 – Have you noticed how this CD is SO different from the others you’ve been lamenting about? The quality HAS changed. :) YAY you!!!

    xxoo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:32am

  286. 286: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    K2010… in response to your questions.

    I met the men in my CDing rotation on POF Dating site Online. I had used the site before with little sucess.. then rewrote my profile. I struggled with it for a month really but it seemed to come together one day and Poof… things just took off. By high quality, I mean… men with good jobs, caring, gentlemen, they came to me… paid for dates. I wrote my profile with lots of input from various places but tried to speak “man eze” HA.

    At the same time, I had some major internal shifting going on inside of me. My main focus was on lining myself up to live congruent with my core values, being authenic, unzipping my heart and receiving. Also, I just decided what I wanted and how I wanted to feel and have not deviated from that for since last summer.I had had enough of what I did not want in my life which has made it easier to navigate on course to what I do want.

    —–

    April Rose… thanks so much. It feels good to read and be affirmed. My journey is still unfolding and my life feels so much better now. (hugs)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:33am

  287. 287: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Is it normal for a grown woman to come up to a couple and ask the man with big bambi eyes if she can pet his dog?
    I am probably having a culture shock, but I found that pretty strange. I was actually smiling and had something humorous on my lips, like ‘sure, when you’re finished with the dog, keep going with the guy, saves me some work’…but I didn’t say it.
    hehehe.
    It made me think back on the time when I was chatting to a man and a woman sits down next to him and starts rubbing his crotch.
    Anything is possible here.
    ;)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:52am

  288. 288: Memulo says:

    I still feel bad today. I feel so naive and powerless to have handled the situation the way I did. A friend told me the other day – if it mattered to you so much you should have called 10 times and make him listen.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:03am

  289. 289: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    261~~ Indigo- your message really warmed my heart this morning. I feel connected to you too. I think I see so much of myself a year & a half ago in your situation with D. The difference is that I was lost and confused during our breakup and made a lot of big mistakes, didn’t take care of myself properly etc. You are WAY ahead of the curve on this….

    You are full of grace and self-love. I absolutely adore following/watching your journey and can’t wait to find out where this ultimately goes. <3

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:16am

  290. 290: Memulo says:

    I felt humiliated, offended, lied to and wronged when my call and a text went unanswered. It was worse than telling me he met someone else. It was like I did not matter. Our love our whole story did not matter. He wanted us erased. I let him.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:19am

  291. 291: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I hit a patch of anxiety ridden issues with FavoriteCD.

    My dog….. FavoriteCD and he are getting along VERY well. That is great no problems with any of that and he has even stepped up, helping with taking him outside, fed, etc etc.

    At his invitation, I have started bringing my dog with me, to his place when I stay over etc. Yesterday he asked me to bring him when I came for the day to see how his daughter and my dog got along. It all went wonderfully!…. except

    Sleeping At night is presenting issues… my dog has always slept with me ( 11 years) . FavoriteCD is even okay with that but with conditions that I totally agree with. (we have discussed this)…. The dog has semi tolerated being caged at night at FavoriteCD’s place. One evening he the dog was quiet and slept and I thought we had found something that would work…… but last night … it did not go well the my anxiety level about it all has reached a new high.

    My dog likes FavoriteCD so much that he would rather sleep with and be by him than me. Which does not bother me, but it disturbs him. Last night the dog was not cooperating quietly and FavoriteCD got up put him in bed with me and he went to a different bedroom. It felt bad, I felt uneasy and panic.. it triggered all kinds of stuff in me and on top of that dog quietly whined and for 2 hours to go to the room where FavoriteCD. At 1 in the morning and no rest I got up and left. It was the only thing I could do that felt like I had any control. I dont want to sleep seperately. That is not why I was there. I do want the dog to behave. FavoriteCD has been so gracious but my anxiety/fear is thru the roof here.

    I love my dog.. but am so angry with him, I have had 2 hours sleep. I feel afraid of loosing this great relationship because of him. I know that sounds irrational… but that is what I feel. FavoriteCD was not mad, just wanted to sleep, did not want me to leave when I asked at 11PM…. I just felt awful and triggered and with anxiety embarased that I can not get my dog to behave…and I just could not stay.. I had to fix the only thing I could and that was remove myself and dog from the situation.

    My dog cant be a deal breaker for me and I feel afraid about that.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:27am

  292. 292: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thankful to myself for sending a big Valentine to the tiniest tight up sensation immediately once I notice it. The tool feels soothing.
    I feel thankful to myself for taking myself out for a walk in the afternoon, otherwise I wouldn’t see at the nearest nia studio a sign that mama Gena’s having as intro there and wouldn’t join the class (than kyou, Universe!). One part of me felt scared, the other one felt very curious. I feel very happy I made a choice that felt totally out of my comfort zone. Being there felt fun and inspiring and supportive.
    I feel thankful to MH for supporting my suggestion to get rid of some outdated furniture. It feels easier to breathe.
    I feel thankful to MH for cleaning the mirror in the bathroom. It feels funny.
    I feel thankful to MH for bringing me my favorite tea after work. I feel very glad and enjoy the opportunity to practice appreciation.
    I feel thankful to myself for melting into cuddling that I am getting a lot for the past few days and I feel thankful to myself for stopping obsessive thoughts that it’s not for a long time and focusing on great feeling sensations.
    I feel thankful to myself for buying myself a couple of new books. I feel expanding.
    I feel very thankful to all the men who smiled at me today and complimented or said hi to me. I felt glad to practice smiling and warmth and receiving. And the experience itself felt very fun and exciting.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:33am

  293. 293: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam that reminded me of the Waterwheel Love and the Out the Window Tools. This woman is brimming over with love and passion that she took it out into the world and shared it.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:42am

  294. 294: k2012No Gravatar says:

    287:Tam, I am cracking up.”chatting to a man and a woman sits down next to him and starts rubbing his crotch.” 286-linda, thanks for responding. I am wondering if POF dating website has any guys from the Caribbean on it. If I decide to use a dating website as an option(I had profiles with Christiancafe, christian mingle and Locateyourlove.com), it going to be guys in my country. And I want to meet them within 2 weeks as long as we are both willing to meet. Don’t anyone else who is going to tell me they don’t want to talk on the phone(overseas cd). I am also willing to meet guys in a particular country I am going to migrate too, plus go out (going to the park alone on Friday) to meet guys face to face. So that’s three options: 1.face to face from the very beginning 2. Online and then transfer to face to face within my own country and 3.online and then face to face with nationals from the country I am going to migrate to. I am back at work guys but feel a little down. I have no idea why. I am not upset about anything and trying not to let anything affect me. Overseas cd responded to me yesterday as I told u guys, Dominique I hope u see this. Haven’t heard from him this morning. I know he is on his way out. Does anyone know if Rori does coaching over the phone and what’s the cost? Dominiqueb do u do it? I am determined that I am going to the park on Friday after work, trust me. I am feeling down today and a bit irritable.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:42am

  295. 295: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Morning Sirens…

    Whooahh!

    I have soo lost my confidence today..

    I was just putting my online CV together and looking at all my old work and I started to have a panic attack that it all looked really amateur and I just haven’t got a clue what I’m doing…

    Grrrr….

    I wish I had more confidence… I always literally “hate” everything I do and this is no good for my self esteem…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:43am

  296. 296: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    287@Tam

    “Is it normal for a grown woman to come up to a couple and ask the man with big bambi eyes if she can pet his dog?
    I am probably having a culture shock, but I found that pretty strange. I was actually smiling and had something humorous on my lips, like ‘sure, when you’re finished with the dog, keep going with the guy, saves me some work’…but I didn’t say it.
    hehehe.”

    Hahaha !! :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:51am

  297. 297: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, reading that something resonates with me.
    I think generally men can adapt to these kinds of situations much better.
    Me, on the other hand, I was brought up totally differently and although I actually grew up with dogs and love them, I could never sleep with one in my bed. I feel disgusted by the thought.
    And Curly has a lovely dog that does not sleep in his bed thankfully. But he does control pretty much what we can and can’t do – and to a certain extent that is obviously the way it is and I accept that.
    I love the dog, but there is a certain part of me that does feel it could be a deal breaker because he pays more attention to the dogs needs than mine, and quite often.
    It may be perceived, but when we plan to do something, the plans often change because suddenly the dog pops along…and all the plans turn into just a dogwalk. Yesterday we were driving with windows open on the highway, it was 50 degrees and I was so cold. he was afraid the dog might get hot (he usually has him in 81 degrees in the car so I doubted it, but didn’t say anything other than ‘I feel cold’).
    I really get that for some dog lovers, the dog is like a child. But being brought up differently, for me it is an animal and although the animal is helpless and needs our care and concern, I would always put a human’s needs before an animals needs – for me that is a basic.
    It’s a difficult subject for me to bring up with him, but I don’t want to sit in a car for an hour to go to a nice city and see some art galleries, when it turns into a dog walk because nowhere would take the dog – and he knew it. The dog would not be alone at home as he has housemates living in the house.

    Personally, it feels bad for me to have a dog plan my weekends, or how many hours of sleep I am allowed to get. I could not be with someone who would insist on his dog sleeping in the same bed with me.
    But I am sure as long as people are willing to compromise it can work.
    I have bad memories of having my ex boyfriend’s cat sitting on my face every time I wanted to go to sleep. He would say: ‘you’ll get used to it’.
    Well, I didn’t and just didn’t stay at his house anymore.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:51am

  298. 298: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    FavoriteCD and I are going away this coming week end together…. out of town for my birthday, no dog, kids, family, just us. He booked our hotel last evening. I felt so excited and happy. I told him so. He told me he was too.

    I wore a cute skirt and boots yesterday. He told me I looked HOT…he said.. “When we were at church I was so happy to be walking by your side… and saying to myself… yes everybody this woman is with ME”!…. how validating and grand those words made me feel. He wore the cologne I gave him for valentines day and his mom and daughter (age 9) commented on how good he smelled. He said ” Yes.. it smells wonderful from my special Valentine…and he winked at me. How wonderful to be complimented in the presence of his family in the car as drove down the road.

    I feel love for this man. But have never uttered thos words. He has not either. I feel loved by him though through his words, actions and touch. He told me that some people just slip into your life that are supposed to be there and that he was so glad that he had met me and was looking forward to what the future will hold ….

    So after feeling so anxious about my dog and such.. I am choosing to reframe this and remember everything that is well and right. I will get the dog straightend out. I am just so tired today.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:56am

  299. 299: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday, whilst out with Curly, we actually met a guy who is a friend of Curly’s ex gf…he went out with her for 3 or 4 years. The guy is one of Curly’s best friends. So as we were eating our lunch all together, I overhear Curly saying ‘I never met anyone like Tam before, there just are no women like her’.
    I was feeling a little embarrassed because I do not really feel that way about him….and as we left, the guy was saying ‘you two should get married’. I really felt strange hearing this and tried to make a joke about it..Curly just beamed.
    Ugh.
    As we got home, he said ‘you know, it feels really odd being in a relationship, it has been so long since I had a girlfriend’. I had to remind him ‘you don’t ‘have’ me’.
    ‘I am not your girlfriend!!!’

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:05am

  300. 300: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Tam we’ve got a super cute dog and are constantly asked by ladies to pet it and I remember feeling this way. ‘I am the air’ and Vote for myself tool helped so much I dont even remember when I felt insecure the last time .

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:05am

  301. 301: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Vi, I just thought it was really funny, the ‘pet the dog’ thing.
    I just never saw this before, children yes, and that is so cute. Grown women…not sure, it felt a little strange. I didn’t actually mind, I was more surprised as this kind of thing would never occur to me. Again, it’s perhaps a cultural difference…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:14am

  302. 302: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “I am not your girlfriend!!!”. I am cracking up. Tam, he is way ahead of u. Lol

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:18am

  303. 303: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glad to be mistaken Tam, you rock :-)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:18am

  304. 304: TamNo Gravatar says:

    k2012..it’s kind of funny actually, because he will tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
    And I usually just say ‘yes, I know’.
    And I believe it too.
    It’s weird because I don’t normally feel that way about a man. That I can take him or leave him, and am not too fussed.
    It seems to spur them on, however…so maybe I will cultivate that now ;)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:25am

  305. 305: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Vi – what’s the Vote tool?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:48am

  306. 306: Memulo says:

    Just maybe if he didn’t talk to me and let me know what’s on his mind and in his heart, there is no reason I should have chased him down and tell him how much I felt for him. Why should he be informed and certain about my pain if all I get is uncertainty and humiliation?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:53am

  307. 307: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.. I remember you posting about the person with the cat in the bed in your face and it was his ex-wifes cat.

    My dog… sheesh, FavoriteCD asks me to bring him with me… I have to rewrite the rules for the dog. THankfully he does NOT run my life or activities, he is in fact a dog, even though I am very attached to him. He is going to have to be retrained. I did not ever intend to have a dog as a bed partner it just happened and I was married then and things were very different in my life at that time.

    Honestly the dog does disturb my sleep at times but can fall back asleep easily. I may be a sleepy gal for a while, but think I can teach this old dog a new trick

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:55am

  308. 308: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Linda..hehe..teaching an old dog new tricks…I try that constantly, with the human form ;)
    I should hope this is easier with a doggie :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:08am

  309. 309: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…I´m feeling so thrilled. I just purchased all Rori’s programs with the VDay offer. Feeling really excited to start watching & listening to all of them.
    Couldn´t have done it if I just hadn’t my taxrefund returned to my account much earlier than I had expected. I feel blessed & grateful! :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:08am

  310. 310: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Daria

    Oh you are cute! I love your processing in the beginning of this thread… and your awareness… and your honesty :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:14am

  311. 311: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((elsie))) (((coco)))

    I am filing as well. Though I am long overdue at 3 years separated.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:27am

  312. 312: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    There is a 90% chance I am moving in with G in a month and I want all my loose ends tied up. I am G’s one in a million and he is my rock. It has been an exciting time lately. It feels tingly and wonderful to be on the same page with him finally. To where our boundaries are equal, and alike, and we both want the same things and we are working together like a real team. His new found awareness astonishes me every day. He told me he wanted to emulate me and my acceptance of other’s feelings and he wanted to be un-affected, and supportive in the face of emotions like Iam. I told him he didn’t need to emulate me, and he could find his own way, now that he was aware…And wow. Is he ever. I am watching him catch himself and flip switch and shift like an effing pro and I feel like crying it is so beautiful. (((him)))

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:32am

  313. 313: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so super stoked to be with a man so deserving of my complete trust. I feel pride, in myself for all I have accomplished emotionally and spiritually in the past 3 years, especially these past 6 months. I feel reborn a glowing woman goddess :-)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:37am

  314. 314: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie 283

    You are SO on your way! Your words make absolute perfect sense. Your feelings will catch up with your words. Keep writing, keep processing. Commit to taking that journey for yourself. It is such a beautiful thing to feel through and experience. It gets uncomfy and unpleasant at times, and those times are the best times for learning!

    So much love coming your way!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:43am

  315. 315: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #212 – thanks Dominique…

    I

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:53am

  316. 316: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii

    Yay! I feel happy and excited you did get your refund and the programs!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:54am

  317. 317: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I have heard from K very little in the last two weeks. He just texted me that he has a lot going on this morning but that he would call me when he gets a break. My stomach instantly knotted. I have no idea what he is going to say.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:16am

  318. 318: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ GlowStix

    :) Thanks!
    I feel happy & excited for you too, reading 312-313! You are a glowing woman godess, really! :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:29am

  319. 319: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tam

    Hugs to you! !!I really-really want to catch up with how you´re doing lately.. Now I´m going on my run (yay for me! I had a 2 month break almost in that, just took it up again2 days ago…), hope to do it later in the evening!

    Also the rest of the stories of all lovely sirens!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:33am

  320. 320: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((ulii)))

    Thank you :-) You inspire me, so much.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:34am

  321. 321: Memulo says:

    GlowStix, when you found out about your ex’s infidelities did you just move out immediately?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:37am

  322. 322: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Indigo @LoveAlways

    Loved your response to LoveAlways! How you imagine yourself as a desirable woman goddess laying on the bed… Sounds really wonderful way to get into your passion and by that also the man gets inspired.

    I have done somehting similar sometimes and it always has worked too. Also the concentrating on the moment and “what is” and enjoying that a lot… Like for example.. Just kissing laying on a bed and then really-really feeling it through all my body, enjoying it to the max and not thinking of anything else (wheter it turns into having sex or not)…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:39am

  323. 323: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens:

    Thank you all soooooo much for your support, comfort and advice . . . I feel safe, cared for and understood in this space. Big loving happy hug to you all (((((SIRENS))))

    I feel so much better reading your posts. I’ve been doing some visualizing so all of your points and suggestions are thing I’m going to put into play!

    Dominique (#196) – yes, it’s those sneaky expectations that get in the way! And I did notice that exchange in energy, when he was getting a touch overwhelmed – that is why I was feeling a need to ease up. You are so on point with this :) I’m going to explore this more because it feels like just the balance I’m seeking between being free with myself and my feelings.

    Femininewoman (#63) – “One of Rori’s pillars of advice is that men fall in love with us when they see us happy and pleased in their presence without depending on them to do or without it being their responsibility. I wonder if we believe that s3x is one of those things she has in mind when she says that.” This really made me think about my own s3xuality as a siren as opposed to pre-siren. It is something to meditate on because it goes deeper into the concept of my seeing sex as giving and yet getting, and in the getting, I’m very much in my boy energy sometimes. . . I need to heal this!!! Oh, and I’m going to try the suggestion of self pleasuring in his presence, I’m just going to do it with his hands instead . . . LOVE this idea :)

    Glowstix (#47) – Thank you for sharing this with me! I love how you embraced the image of a firecracker! I’m going to try this as well. I can own up to the fact that I am sultry & horny because of the goddess I am and stop directing it at him like a need rather than a state of being. (((((Thank you))))

    Memulo (#45) – Your self confidence is amazing and it inspires me to be that strong about my own body and s3xuality! I get the point of your sharing your experience – we have to feel our way through it and remain solid in ourselves. That made me feel better about myself in this process and not to doubt myself (((Love to you Memulo)).

    Indigo (#41) – Wow siren!!! The visualization of the Cleopatra image – it worked, it worked, it worked :) :) (((((Thank you))))

    I’m going to be okay, sirens, I feel so much appreciation and love for you all!!

    LoveAlways

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:40am

  324. 324: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii – I’ve experienced that too! The other night we went out on a date, and when he walked me to my door we stood there kissing good bye and i got so lost in the feeling and the moment that i forgot where i was and it didn’t matter that we were standing in front of the house – i just gave in and let the moment take over and he could feel my opening up like that. it was a hot yet tender moment

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:45am

  325. 325: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix

    that is wonderful!!! Congrats!!!!!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:46am

  326. 326: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii

    Congrats on getting Rori’s programs!!! They really helped me and life 16 months later is so awesome! I listen to them all still over and over and over.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:49am

  327. 327: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Siren time! Going to listen to some good music, wash my hair and then meditate for a while. I’ll try to log on again later. Love and blessings to you all!

    LoveAlways

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:51am

  328. 328: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Yay LoveAlways! I’m so thrilled for you :)

    What I love about this visualisation is how it makes you feel about yourself, in addition to the effect it has on him. You just go from feeling uncertain and shaky and undesirable to just feeling brimming with desirableness. Yay you

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:56am

  329. 329: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren 289

    I feel seen and I’m so happy you have described me this way. Sometimes you’re not sure if other people can really see you, so thank you so much :)

    I feel very excited about seeing where this goes too. I have more to report, which I will do shortly. X

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 9:59am

  330. 330: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    No, I didn’t. He was not a cold person so…There was a lot of emotion involved for us both. He was more than genuinely sorry (I can see that looking back). After a lot of tears and arguments and discussions (weeks worth) we decided to try and work it out. Although if i’m being honest, I did not genuinely want to. I was deeply depressed, with suicidal thoughts, I felt helpless, totally alone (no one knew but my immediate family and us), the apt was in my name and I was the breadwinner. Then, I got in a car accident…Which caused abnormalities in the curvature of my cervical spine, pretty severe whiplash. He bacame the breadwinner, for a while, and I relied on him a little bit, financially. There weren’t many happy feelings, though. I was totally embittered.

    Fast forward a few months and I was getting better. I actually told him I was leaving. I couldn’t trust him anymore. This is when he broke down and cried, and begged me for another chance to win me back.

    He put in a little romantic effort for a while. When I got caught up in buying mine and my brother’s home and renovating it, he was working full time and things broke down again rather quickly. He started pretty much dating (drinks, coffees, lunches and getting rides home from) the new hostess at his work. She was 18 and I felt totally threatened by her, bitter again, and resentful of him…Full on hackles up and hissing. He admitted that he was attracted to her and wanted more than friendship. So, after another couple of months of very strained living together, I told him he had to move out, and he did.

    All in all it was 2 years. Mostly I was depressed, felt trapped and also scared of losing him at the same time. I felt not good enough for better. So the effort I put into actually removing myself from the situation was minimal, and I was easily swayed.

    I grieved for a month and started dating, immediately. Well, a month felt immediate at the time. After being with him 7.5 years, and being married, a month felt short. I believe I started moving through the process after the very first incident, so by the second one, I was more “on my journey” already.

    I tried to keep that concise, it’s a story, though lol

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:07am

  331. 331: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    It’s been almost 5 years now since the wedding.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:11am

  332. 332: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    3 years almost exactly, since he first moved out.

    I left out that he moved back into my spare bedroom for some time after he lost his job. I CDd him and others during that time. We went on a date to a concert together, and when he tried aggressively to have sex with me, that was it for him. I took him out of my rotation. He walked in on me in bed (fully clothed, just chatting) with another guy when he came home one night, and rather quickly took a new gf and moved in with her (within a month). They are no longer together, now, and he has been contacting me a lot lately.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:14am

  333. 333: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    So the 6 months separation from D did not last. In fact, it was driving me crazy. Not as much being apart from him, as the uncertainty of it. However, having had those few weeks apart from him did me a world of good. When I saw him last week things were calmer between us, calm and peaceful and beautiful, like a summer tide, or autumn rain, or a warm spring wind.

    And I realised something. I went back through some of our old skype conversations, and I thought back on some (many) of his actions. And I realised that through all our (albeit brief) times of separation in the last two and a half years, and our lack of a solid “commitment” (to me) he has never strayed. He has never gone more than an arm’s reach away, he has never been with anyone else or gone on a date, or so much as made a play for anyone else (and yes I do know this, aside from the fact that he told me). And I realised, maybe for the first time really let it sink in… this guy loves me. It may not be perfect, but he does.

    And on Friday night I felt all panicky because he had a busy day at work and we were chatting briefly and he became suddenly unavailable, and he was due to go out on Friday night. And I spent the WHOLE night fretting.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:30am

  334. 334: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 – 294 – Yes I see this. :) And yes I do phone and skype coaching sessions.

    http://sexandheart.com/coaching

    xxoo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:35am

  335. 335: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    K2012, I’ve had sessions with Dominique. She’s awesome and I would recommend her. :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:36am

  336. 336: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – 298 – I feel awe at how far you’ve come, how much you have transformed and blossomed since I’ve known you. YAY you.

    xxoo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:39am

  337. 337: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    continued…

    And then on Saturday, I was chatting to my mom. And she was telling me how, as western women, we must be so grateful that are able to self-actualise, that we have our freedom, freedom to pursue our passions, to have careers, to become educated. Freedom of so many choices. And how different it is for women in so many other cultures.

    And to really revel in and delight in that fact, and how GOOD life is, and to enjoy being a woman with so much freedom and then to really think about what a masculine man is, one whom we could really love and desire, and not to get too hung up on whether they are able to emotionally connect the way we would like them to.

    And for some reason this talk with my mom was enough to completely shift my vibe. And I really had a great day from then onwards, continually reminding myself actually of how good I have it in my life.

    And then when I saw D last night, he was not feeling well, so he went to lie down for about an hour, and I just kind of saw to myself, ordered myself dinner and was quite happy. Then he came through, and after seeing to *himself*, he came and lay next to me and took me in his arms, and then after a while together, gave me a hug and warmly kissed me goodnight.

    And yes, it all felt good and warm and like home.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:39am

  338. 338: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I know all the clichés. Actions speak louder than words and such.

    I’ll make a radical statement here: His heart speaks way louder than his actions, or his words. His committment is in his heart.

    It’s not so hard to see either. You know, it or you don’t. The tricky part is that you have to love and trust yourself to see the TRUTH and KNOW for sure.

    You don’t have to love yourself for others to love you. All kinds of people who do not love themselves ARE loved. It’s just that you have to love yourself first to accept, and receive that love. And when you love yourself, you’ll know if it isn’t there. And that’s ok because you love you with enough TLC to move through that, and know it’s not what’s best for you.

    I know now that my ex DID love me. He just was not capable of loving ME enough for us BOTH. He could not handle that, nor do I believe he should have had to. I did then. Not anymore.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:41am

  339. 339: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    As if to drive my mom’s point home, today one of my staff members, who is a different culture, confided in me that her husband, who is now deceased, was abusive and beat her for the entire length of their twenty year marriage. And she was telling me about how she does not know how to confront people who are mean or in any way aggressive these days, she just feels shaky and avoids them.

    And I spoke to her about how much better it would feel if she could find her voice, and find the words to speak up to these people, and how much more empowered she would feel if she could learn to put up simple boundaries.

    It was a good feeling to be able to help another woman in this way

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:44am

  340. 340: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I am shifting rapidly these days and I love it! Bring it on!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:44am

  341. 341: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I love coming here & reading everyones post. You ladies are amazing!! <3 <3

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:45am

  342. 342: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    So many stories of growth, & understanding. The desire to go further within. The desire to communicate, & reach new heights. Sirens rock. :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:47am

  343. 343: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Hello,

    Wasn’t going to post and took a break from reading the blog for awhile, but felt compelled to say a little something regarding animals.

    After working with them closely and seeing so many being abandoned for one human reason after another that always takes precedent, and being around many people who *can* communicate with these beautiful furry creatures, I guess I want to give voice and say a dog is never “just a dog” or a cat is never “just a cat.” They have feelings, and they have very deep spiritual connections that go beyond us.

    I have been very fortunate to have loved ones and guys I my life that really like my quality where if an animal or my own pet needs or wants me I *will* tend to them and it is unwavering. Even if they misbehave, I will still tend to them and give them my discipline with love. They bring/brought me tremendous loyalty and joy when I went through the worst lows of my life. I can never feel blame or anger towards them. And fortunately, it has never presented as a co fluct of interest in my love life. If anything, the men in my life end up animal lovers too and I feel grateful for that.

    It is never easy, I understand. We *all* deserve our needs to be met, human or animal and we are all a work in progress. Love to all of us, especially those of us who are trying and struggling. But for now, for my own sake I want to express my deep gratitude for animals. (((Animals))) (((Pets))) (((Doggies))) (((Kitties))) If I could take *all* of you I would. You make *my* life truly worthwhile and teach me a lot about being human.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:54am

  344. 344: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Yes indeed
    Reading all the posts is truly inspiring
    I just wish that I could love myself

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:54am

  345. 345: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, what isn’t to love? Perhaps starting a list of qualities you admire about yourself. The process can be shaky at first…and yet incredibly eye opening.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:01am

  346. 346: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I miss MrP. So much. It is worse now that our friend is with him too. I miss the good times we all had together.
    I feel bad for tipping him out and yet it is the only thing I could do. I have to ignore his feeble attempts at fixing this ‘come skiing’, and my friend calling and saying ‘MrP wants to go boating’.
    I want to trust.
    I want to trust that it is not up to me to contact him now. Because if I did, I know he would be ‘back’.
    I trust that if he really wants to see me, and he really wants to fix things, he would find a way.
    Like he did before.
    And the fact that he isn’t, shows that he isn’t as interested as he would be/should be for me to actually take any notice.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:08am

  347. 347: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Moving Magic
    It just feels like a step too far right now

    I feel stuck.I feel paralysed
    Sure, there might be loads on paper to admire
    I just dont believe it though

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:10am

  348. 348: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    346
    Tam, you dd what you needed to do for you

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:11am

  349. 349: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I know Ruth. Or do I?
    I wonder if it is me. I feel more scared than he is possibly. He is always re-connecting, making feeble attempts, testing the waters….and I am barking at him. Because I do not know what to do anymore.
    We do not speak the same language.
    He does not talk. He does.
    He does not understand my language at all. When I said that I hardly consider is friends anymore, because we don’t do any activities….his answer is ‘come skiing’ and getting our friend to say ‘Mrp wants to go boating. tell me, do you not speak to him anymore?’.
    UUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    It’s so frustrating.
    Like he is trying to fix my house that has a roof leak, bu changing the windows.
    And it is only because I know him so well, that I can see what he is doing.
    BUT it is frustrating me.
    My windows are fine!!!!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:21am

  350. 350: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh dear,

    I thought I was doing okay.

    WM has been away for a week. He is due back in two hours. We still live together and I wish we didn’t.

    I had an ‘aha’ moment today and realised that I’ve been feeling consistently weird around him for months.

    He treats me like a child or a cuddly animal. Not like a sexy woman. I feel undesired. It is chipping away at my siren confidence. I am doing all the tools, and staying warm and open. I wish I didn’rt care about his response.
    I don’t know if it’s a punishment thing, or a ‘just not into me’ thing.
    It doesn’t matter what it is (don’t want to get into his head). I feel bad and small and angry. I want to feel feminine like I have done for a whole week without him.

    I’m dreading his return.

    :-(

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:22am

  351. 351: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose
    It seems a shame you cannot just live somewhere else
    That sounds so draining
    xxxxxxxxx

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:27am

  352. 352: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I dunno Tam, maybe time to move on and insist on no contact??

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:28am

  353. 353: TamNo Gravatar says:

    It’s kind of weird.
    I feel totally safe with this guy, he would die for me if he had to. Yet, we can’t communicate about ‘us’.
    Without honest communication, nothing can grow.
    It is impossible.
    So I also always feel scared and insecure and ‘less than’.
    If I had an emergency and called him right now, he would be here in 30 minutes, which is exactly the amount of time it takes him to get here. No matter what he was doing. I know that, he’s done it, even when we weren’t talking….he is there for me even at 3am. He even calls up his friends for me at ung*dly hours. He will do anything, absolutely anything to help me.
    If I called him to say ‘let’s talk’. He would not
    be seen for 6 months probably.
    Hahaha.
    It’s such a travesty.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:29am

  354. 354: TamNo Gravatar says:

    352 – that’s what the plan is/was, Ruth.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:31am

  355. 355: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Travesty sounds about right here Tam
    But also, you do need to move on

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:33am

  356. 356: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel hopeless.
    And I am using another man again to numb the pain and the hopelessness..and it’s just not fair.

    But that’s what I need now, so that’s what I will do.
    And I will deal with the consequences of that when we get to it!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:33am

  357. 357: TamNo Gravatar says:

    355 Ruth, I am thinking the moving on will just happen by itself eventually, every time I try it backfires.
    I am on the horse. Like I have been.
    I fall off, get back on, fall off…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:34am

  358. 358: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    oh Tam
    :(

    I want to see forward progress with you
    You are a gorgeous lady who needs to just ride off to her future xxxxxxxxxx

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:38am

  359. 359: TamNo Gravatar says:

    hopefully my horse hasn’t ended up in some British lasagne (couldn’t resist it)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:49am

  360. 360: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    It may be missing a legg:)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:52am

  361. 361: TamNo Gravatar says:

    doing too much horsing around really. Sigh.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:53am

  362. 362: TamNo Gravatar says:

    three-legged horse? That would explain a lot!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:53am

  363. 363: TamNo Gravatar says:

    the funny thing is, Curly is the total opposite. Talker through and through.
    And cuddly, affectionate etc.
    And not afraid to show and share his feelings, very outwardly emotional.
    And really wanting a relationship with me, he can’t stop talking about it in fact.

    Isn’t it interesting how I have picked the polar opposite to MrP in character but with exactly the same interests and professions and hobbies as MrP?
    It does strike me as a hilarious coincidence really.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:58am

  364. 364: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Neighhhhhhhhh

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 11:58am

  365. 365: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I knew you couldn’t resist Ruth!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:01pm

  366. 366: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling sick i’m so scared of his return.

    I feel terrified. I feel stuck and helpless in this no-win situation.

    Anyone have any ideas for me to flip my mood?

    I’d like to find a reason to feel happy/optimistic about seeing him.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:03pm

  367. 367: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose
    Um, why do you need to feel happy baout seeing him if you dont
    Your feelings are your feelings
    Agree, its not a good situ, but I think I would want to make myself feel good reagardless of whether he is there or not
    Mnd you, I am hardly sorted myself

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:19pm

  368. 368: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Tam & Memulo

    I think, and I have shared this before, that when we try to move on in the traditional way from a man whom our heart still misses and loves, for me it feels like a betrayal of that part of myself, and I feel like it always backfires.

    As if we can somehow shame our heart into not loving him any more. Your heart loves that man for a reason – he has things, appealing things, things which you deep down want, and I wonder whether you have really looked at this. What is it that you love and can’t seem to find elsewhere? What does he have that your soul really loves?

    For me personally, I choose not to fight it, the love that my heart feels. Even if the person is no longer in my life, even if they “seem” inappropriate. I take the love with me, I let it make me more beautiful, and I honour the part of me that loves them.

    Just some thoughts I had while reading your posts, especially yours, Tam.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:20pm

  369. 369: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    368
    I *love* that Indigo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:23pm

  370. 370: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    April Rose, your feelings remind me of the days when I still lived with my ex husband and he’d leave for a time, and take the toxicity that was our relationship with him. I felt like dancing around the house ….I was so happy, carefree, content, peaceful. With his return, that toxic cloud came back and I started to feel choked again. It’s not a good situation to live in. I’m free of it now and I cherish my own space and the toxic free environment.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:26pm

  371. 371: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, exactly. I just couldn’t put that in as beautiful a paragraph as you have done.
    But, that is essentially how it is for me.
    I am kind of done with fighting it. But I am also done with trying to fix it. And it leaves me floating in some kind of weird limbo.
    But that is what it has to be right now.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:27pm

  372. 372: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Indigo, I love reading your process. I had the feeling that you and D wouldn’t stay apart for 6 months. It’s just not possible with the energy you two share. Wish I understood why he is so resistant to being in relationship with you though…it’s perplexing to me.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:28pm

  373. 373: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Indigo

    I know your post wasn’t to me directly and yet it has affected me. I will feel the love i have for him and not fight it.
    It’s the unmet desire for something from him – that’s what’s making me feel weird, angry, trapped and unfulfilled.

    The love is there. Oh my, now i am sinking into a vulnerable place…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:30pm

  374. 374: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for your replies, Ruth.

    I am freaking out a bit here. i am wondering what part of me is getting off on this situation. The part that believes that everything good turns to sh*t and that nobody really loves anybody?

    Ouch. I feel bad writing that.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:32pm

  375. 375: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I feel all warm thinking about this
    Its okay to love even if that loved has no future
    We loved, and that is what is important
    we honour that love

    Now, how to stop pining

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:33pm

  376. 376: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, thank you :)

    April Rose, yes a very vulnerable place indeed… maybe this is the part of you that needs to speak?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:35pm

  377. 377: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, it is what it is :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:37pm

  378. 378: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose

    No
    No, you dont really, *really* believe that

    It is just a truly crap situ that has you jaded
    xxxxxxxxx

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:38pm

  379. 379: KandiNo Gravatar says:

    What a week it was. Not a good one either. I had been in the middle of a 2 month whirlwind romance that was chilling down. Yes I could tell. And I suppose at first I did everything badly. Then last week I found Rori’s blog and ordered the ebook. I found it at the beginning of the week and read it. I am now looking through the website and am very glad I found it.

    However. Monday I got a break up text from my guy. I texted back he couldn’t break up by text. So we talked and left it as we would take a bit of a breather and be the dreaded ‘just friends’. Tues evening we saw each other and ended up getting into a fight. Originally we had planned on going out of town and me meeting his family. I no longer wanted to go since we were just friends now and he was pretty upset. Wed we had a mushy by text make up. On Fri we had a business function we were going to attend together and on Thurs we discussed the arrangements by text. I decided I just didnt want to go and it ended amicably. He ended up not going either. We had no contact Friday. On Saturday he texted me and invited me to a hockey game for next week. I said sure. Sunday I get a whole bunch of texts with him breaking up with me again but now he doesn’t want to see me at all. I dont understand him (which at this point is probably pretty true) we arent meant for each other, etc. This is after a month or better of him telling me he loved me, meeting some of his family, him telling me I was the one, etc. etc. I am exhausted.

    I understand my own failings in all this and how I was being the male energy, etc. I want to start applying what I am learning on this website. I have successfully fought every inclination to go confront him and be a drama queen thanks to this site. I just feel he is as messed up as me.

    I would appreciate any comments on this

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:39pm

  380. 380: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth,

    So why don’t I make plans to leave?

    There must be a draw, something appealing, in any situation someone chooses to stay in.
    Don’t you think?

    For me, with WM, there are echos of my Dad’s attitude towards me.

    I miss my Dad. Have I made another man into a substitute?

    By the way, I really like your down-to-earth non analysing way of saying it like it is.
    Love to you. xxxxx

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:43pm

  381. 381: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren,

    I’d kind of hoped I could go the whole 6 months. I knew it would be beneficial, but somewhere a few weeks in it became too hard, I was just too human :)

    And you know, I used to torture myself with that question too, until I realised that he may hardly ever say those words – although he has said them, many times, that he wishes we could be together – but his actions would speak loudly for him.

    I mean, I remember the last time, we just kind of moved closer and closer towards each other, without saying the words, until he introduced me as his girlfriend at his brother’s wedding and I asked him, does that mean we’re together now? And he looked at me as if I was mad.

    To him, his actions and mine will reveal if he wants to be with me. Somewhere in the expression of the words things get very mixed up and sometimes misunderstood, and he is not a verbal person. In fact, he does not like expressing his affection in words, although he very occasionally does.

    I have come to see that. It is the actions for him. And that is what I will watch. To be honest, trying to force the words from him seems to make him very uncomfortable and has the opposite effect.

    Weird, isn’t it?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:45pm

  382. 382: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I know this is a really strange thing to say, but what I miss predominantly with MrP is that I just feel comfy in his presence, like ‘at home’.
    Nothing really dramatically wonderful or extraordinary. I have tried to analyse myself and see what that is all about.
    He just has the ability, particularly when in a good way (and not cut down by any of his issues) to make everything ok. Somehow. He will fix things, even bad moods.
    With Curly and a lot of other guys I have dated, I just never felt safe and like I had arrived at home, always just on egde..even if ever so slightly, whether it was in the car or their houses, or out and about…I don’t know how to explain it. It never really felt right somehow.
    In MrP’s house I feel at home. hrmpf.
    And we share the same humour, just need to look at each other and we know immediately what the other person is thinking in any type of situation…like there is a definite connection. Others do pick up on it. I have had friends come up to me and ask me if I could ‘tell him something’ because they were a bit scared of his reaction (he is NOT tactile, feminine type men are scared of him) and I, apparently, have a way of talking to him that makes him stay calm and happy. He gets very angry. Also at me. I just tell him to stop being so grumpy and get over himself. And he does. Every time.
    He actually has the same effect on me. If I am stressing, he will say ‘ok, calm down, I’ll sort it out’ and I do calm down. I would probably dangle on a string over the Grand Canyon, if he said it was ok.
    I trust him 100%…just not with my heart.
    That’s the big problem.
    If I did, and I didn’t insist on a ‘title’, and stress out before we even had a chance to re-connect properly, everything might actually have worked out differently. Time and time again.
    This is a pretty huge assumption to make, but in our history, it was always me who had the final big freak out due to my insecurities, because he said something that triggered me…it is always the same.
    We get close, he says something outrageous that I take personally…and I run.

    Interesting, huh?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:47pm

  383. 383: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Anyhow, I feel embarrassed now but happy I got another bit of nostalgia out of my system. Clearing it out.
    Back on the horse.
    Galloping on three legs….hehe

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:52pm

  384. 384: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose
    Yeah, you must have reasons to stay outwith the practical aspects(ie, its bloody hard to uprooot and move and why should you etc)

    Thats okay
    Its all okay if you can find a way to live with it
    I guess when you cant , you will have the imperative to move
    So, I suppose for now you have to find a way of feeling comfortable with a less than ideal situation.
    Can you set some boundaries at home?
    Can you make yourself a special space where you can feel comfy?
    I am thinking out loud here

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:52pm

  385. 385: TamNo Gravatar says:

    380 Indigo, I could have written that. Spooky.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:54pm

  386. 386: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam
    Mr P sounds like a really, really good friend
    If you could see him as that?

    Probably impossible

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:55pm

  387. 387: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    PSTam
    I dont think this is strange

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 12:57pm

  388. 388: TamNo Gravatar says:

    380 Indigo, it is not weird at all.
    In fact, it was exactly the same for me.
    We were practically a couple for months and everybody respected that, we would always sit together and so on….I met members of his family…if we met new friends they would be saying ‘how did you two meet?’ and before I would try to make something up he would say ‘on a dating website’ or something alluding to dating. He would actually push other men out of the way if they were standing too close to me, ha!
    But as soon as I was questioning him about my ‘title’, or whatever, he either stayed silent and smiled, or he freaked – depending on how it was delivered by me.
    I never understood what the ‘big problem’ was, so I would freak out 2x as much if he was being cagey.
    I cringe when I think about it now, yet I also realise that it was just not meeting my needs. And I have to honour my needs also.
    It is a fine line between respecting and understanding the other person and trusting them, and actually honouring ones own needs.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:01pm

  389. 389: TamNo Gravatar says:

    385 Ruth, that is how I feel. He was my best friend here, which is what my devastation is really about. I have lost all that. But the problem is that we are attracted to each other. He will always make a move on me. Always, always, always…there has never been a let-up with this. I have manged to fight him off when I had a boyfriend..and actually the phase of us just being friends was a very happy one…and he really relaxed – but then got frustrated that there wasn’t a physical side to it. And I got too!!
    I am attracted to him also, but I can be just friends too. But he can’t. And I just can’t fight him off anymore, I would not be true to myself.
    It’s sooooooooo frustrating.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:06pm

  390. 390: TamNo Gravatar says:

    At this stage it’s all or nothing.
    He knows that too.
    Hence he is staying away.
    It is what it is.
    I can’t do the ‘dance’ anymore.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:08pm

  391. 391: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I know he is in the background, and I know he has his beady eye on me…always. And I feel safe that he would be there for me, if I was stuck and really needed someone.
    But that’s got to be it.
    He is a dormant friend.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:10pm

  392. 392: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When a man hears “Let’s talk” he hears “you are in trouble”. The thing to do is to choose a good time to let them know something is weighing heavily on your heart and ask if he is open to hearing it.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:13pm

  393. 393: TamNo Gravatar says:

    and there are some men that just won’t/can’t talk about certain things, even when we ‘go first’…and second and third.
    It is what it is.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:15pm

  394. 394: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    sounds like it needs to be no contact Tam

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:16pm

  395. 395: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique… thank you so much. It feels really good to read that from you. I really really does!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:20pm

  396. 396: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, yes it does…we once managed to do that for a whole 4 months. Believe it or not. So now I know that it needs to be much longer than that….

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:23pm

  397. 397: TamNo Gravatar says:

    3 actually, 3 months not 4.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:24pm

  398. 398: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    you just need him out of your life tam

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:24pm

  399. 399: TamNo Gravatar says:

    yes, I guess, Ruth, it would make everything a whole lot easier. That’s true.
    I wish he would co-operate.
    And I wish there weren’t a whole lot of people in between us that I will lose also.
    But yeah.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:27pm

  400. 400: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Beautiful post Radiant Rising. I feel your passion.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:29pm

  401. 401: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Memulo. It felt like the right thing, what my gut had been telling me for a few weeks now. I know I’ll miss him, a lot… but in my quest to be open to someone who doesn’t have their life together because they way get it together, I didn’t realize how bad it feels to be on the receiving end when someone’s energy is still focused on someone else.

    It was the first time I ever felt like if I continued with the relationship, I might cheat, because my needs weren’t being met. I don’t want that.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:34pm

  402. 402: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth,

    I created a lovey comfy and pretty nest in the living room whilst he was away. Before then, he was using the room as his ‘cave’ and I felt I couldn’t go near it.

    I don’t want it to go back to being his computer den.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:38pm

  403. 403: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I had decided to ignore Cudg’s email but after reading this blog…I just responded with a flirty one line and brief apology fo writing back late…

    And I did it to take care of myself & protect myself against any future obsessing or wondering…
    I feel really good…like I just left the world slip of my shoulders….my insides feel warm & fluid…
    If the ball’s going to drop..let it drop im his court.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:44pm

  404. 404: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I want someone to pick me up and cuddle me like I was a baby.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:44pm

  405. 405: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “You want future commitments to be
    his idea not something you have
    nagged him into.

    While he may be thinking about tomorrow,
    he’s not thinking about a
    lifetime commitment.” Just read this in my inbox. Well I was feeling down today. I supposed its just Monday morning blues. Seems like Overseas cd has finally disappeared. I won’t initiate conversation again. If he contacts me first again well……… Now to long term ex. I returned his call today although I sent him a text. Told me he wants to see me and he has been trying to get me. He doesn’t know that I deliberately did not answer. He wants to see me!!!!!!!! When he told me, I didn’t answer him. Said he will call later. I won’t answer. When he told me he was trying to get me, I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:47pm

  406. 406: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    K2012, stay strong. Good for you!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:49pm

  407. 407: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Correction:Long time ex, not long term ex. Why out of the blue he wants me now, when he is married. When I wanted him when he was in a relationship although not committed, he didn’t want me. So why he wants me now when nothing can become of the relationship. I don’t have time to waste.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 1:56pm

  408. 408: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose
    Ouch

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:04pm

  409. 409: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose – (((hug)))

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:10pm

  410. 410: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    April Rose…It might not be the same situation, but I wanted to say that I’m one of those people who need quite a bit of “alone time.” To clear my energy, recharge my battery, relax, to just “be.” If I don’t have this, I get cranky, anxious and feel more and more out-of-control the longer it goes on.

    During the many years I lived with D, this was a hard thing. He liked to have the tv on all the time (and LOUD!) and I can’t read while there is music on or television–it distracts me, terribly.

    There was a lot of frustration for awhile and so I decided to make one of the spare rooms into ‘my’ room. A place I could go and shut the door…read, nap, leave whatever I was working on right where it was for next time, etc.

    This worked out very well. I still did enjoy having the house all quiet and to myself, at times, but having my own space really helped. Just a thought that maybe this could work for you—if you are wanting things to work out with this man.

    As far as him not initiating affection and/or sex—he may be picking up on your feelings of ‘territory’ or of your feelings of not wanting him there. This kind of stuff can really change how a man acts with us. (This is not about blame or finger-pointing–just sharing some of my own experiences.)

    Peace…

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:15pm

  411. 411: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t have to “un-love” someone to stop pining for them or let them go. I still love my ex. Not “in” love. Don’t want him. He’s not the right man for me. And spending my time arguing reality, or wishing his body encompassed some other type of man is time I could be spending opening myself to a man who does embody the qualities I need. Or, time spent sending myself love.

    Loving yourself takes time to get used to but it is not hard if you are not resistant to it. You just say it. Send it to your parts. “I love you” even if it feels like a lie, say it until it feels like the truth. And it will, after some time. If you are unwilling to even start, it just won’t happen.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:22pm

  412. 412: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    You don’t have to love yourself because of accomplishments, or in spite of flaws. You send love to yourself just because you are you, and you’re the only you you’ve got.

    Working on bettering yourself is not about loving yourself or vice versa. You love yourself as you are in any given moment. You better yourself to feel accomplished and you can feel accomplished without loving yourself and you can love yourself without feeling accomplished.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:27pm

  413. 413: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Oh I forgot. Is must FWB/casual sex he wants. He has known me for years and should know by now that I don’t have sex outside the context of a relationship as I have previously told me. Any relationship I get into a man HAS TO BE A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, nothing more. I was always like that, so even if I wasn’t a christian, I would still be like that. Yes Turquoise I hear u. I felt demotivated at work for about half of the day. It wasn’t just Monday morning blues. There was a problem at work that I had to deal with. U know sometimes when you are making effort and u are not really seeing the benefit. Was verbalizing it to another co worker and he felt the same.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:32pm

  414. 414: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies,
    I feel sick. I want to throw up.
    He has come back. Demanding that I approach him and greet him.
    He says he is a man, and that it is a feminine thing to run toward a man and greet him.

    Ick

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:39pm

  415. 415: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    (((April Rose))) I’m sorry. Disregard my previous post. It doesn’t sound like the same situation at all.

    All I can think of to say is:

    Trust your boundaries
    Feel your feelings
    Use your words
    Be surprised <3

    Maybe you two can come to some agreement (about being together/not being together, etc.)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:45pm

  416. 416: TamNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, what’s the situation? You are split up, right?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:47pm

  417. 417: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose
    but you arent *together* are you??

    So why would you??

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:51pm

  418. 418: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix
    this makes me fel awful.As though there is no thope
    Some of us do not know wher to start
    :(

    *If you are unwilling to even start, it just won’t happen*

    Feeling sick to my core
    And really hopeless right now

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:54pm

  419. 419: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((Ruth)))
    I loved glowstix post, though it triggered me too. I love myself though I am still stuck in the ‘i want a particular man not necessarily just the relationship’ kinda thing. This is my big problem. Too picky. Or maybe I just believe in love? It used to all go fairly effortlessly and now there’s all this stuff to say, do and think. First and foremost love oneself…I get it all.
    But it all seems like a whole lot of effort. Jeepers.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 2:59pm

  420. 420: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yeah well fck it
    I hope you find some way through April Rose
    Cant be easy
    Take care Tam
    xx

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:02pm

  421. 421: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Or maybe I don’t love myself enough? Ugh

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:04pm

  422. 422: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    ((((Ruth))) <3

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:07pm

  423. 423: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    399 – Thank you FW. :)

    I appreciate the comment and the love.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:51pm

  424. 424: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((ruth)))

    I just told you where to start….

    It just not more complicated than that.

    “I love you.”

    Say it to the mirror.

    “I love you.”

    Make disgusted faces, you’re not gonna believe it at first.

    “You can make all the gross faces you want, but I love you.”

    When you’re drinking coffee…Send yourself love.

    Spit out the coffee out if that’s your reaction.

    Say it again…

    “Oh well, i still love you even with coffee all over you.”

    That’s where I started.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:53pm

  425. 425: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Told myself to F*ck off tge first time. Told myself I was out of my f*cking mind.

    Sorry to be vulgar, but that’s literally what I said. Out loud.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:54pm

  426. 426: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Made disgusted faces because I believed I was disgusting. But I kept at it.

    I credit my cousin, who has always had the highest self confidence level of any I have met in my life. She told me she found it easy to love herself and that she dances naked in the mirror before she showers and jiggles around and touches her skin and tells herself “I love you.”.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 3:58pm

  427. 427: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild

    “Trust your boundaries
    Feel your feelings
    Use your words
    Be surprised <3"

    Thanks. I didn't see your post til now, and I was doing these things.
    I felt my boundaries strongly.
    I said I don't want to come forward unless you make it clear what you want from me. If I offer you something and it's unwanted I feel crap.
    I sat there feeling my feelings.
    He talked about his week.
    He looked at me, really looked at me for the first time in years.
    He said my smile was beautiful.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:02pm

  428. 428: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I think the hardest part, for me, was that I experienced how it felt for someone who was trying to show me love. It feels sick inside thinking of it now, and i’m not sure how I got past that…I mean, I don’t remember. Actually, maybe I never had to get past that. Maybe that’s a huge part of the reason I kept going.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:10pm

  429. 429: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and Ruth,

    Exactly. We aren’t ‘together’. Not in the sense of a real relationship – as Starla defined it – talking about a shared future, being on the same page, and in agreement about exclusivity and commitment.

    We are in a kind of ‘beginning again and taking it slowly’ in WM’s own words.

    His anger at me sitting on the couch was (I think) that he could feel my expectation. In my mind I thought he can come toward me and hug me.
    In his mind, he had been driving for seven hours with a cold, and wanted to feel greeted and that I was happy to see him.

    His angry outburst comes from old residue. He spat out something about me being in command. I replied I haven’t been in command for a long time.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:12pm

  430. 430: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    In my disbelief I kept quiet, kept my dignity, and told various parts of my body “I love you” as I had just read GlowStix’s posting.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:13pm

  431. 431: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    He excitedly talks about ‘our’ work together.

    Yet his interest in *me* is almost non-existent.

    This feels bleak, and like a hollow part in me shrivelling through lack of love and tending.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:17pm

  432. 432: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I feel pleased with myself that I did not rise to any bait when he got angry.

    Truth is, I felt puzzled and speechless. I could not even mentally find any right stance to defend. I felt totally bewildered.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:20pm

  433. 433: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I felt out of control and helpless and I HATE that feeling.

    Hmmm. Maybe I will try loving that feeling next time it shows up.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:21pm

  434. 434: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    It helped me soooo much that I could write something on this blog in that moment.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:24pm

  435. 435: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 432 That’s how I feel about the feeling of love. Out of control and helpless. Afraid.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:24pm

  436. 436: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Really, FW?

    Tell us some more, please.
    Do you mean when you love someone or when they love you?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:27pm

  437. 437: TamNo Gravatar says:

    434 me too, I am scared of falling in love again.
    I am not scared of being loved.
    That’s ok.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:38pm

  438. 438: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @324,326 LoveAlways

    Thanks!
    You sound good! :)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:42pm

  439. 439: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I enjoyed the tone of his voice. It was deep and rough when he said “I am a man”.

    Quite a shock to hear this from someone I considered to be a feminine energy man.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:44pm

  440. 440: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((april rose)))

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:45pm

  441. 441: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When I fall in love. It is like I lose control of my faculties. Even when I do feelizations when I bring up a memory of feeling love and wrap my deep desire in it I feel that way. I feel certain parts of my body jerk and go into stiffness as if it is rejecting the relaxation. It is like my unconscious reaction to blocking love coming towards me so I don’t fall in love. I don’t know if I can explain so someone else can understand.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:45pm

  442. 442: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    For anyone interested in astrology –

    In the fourth house of our composite chart, WM and I have all the big guys – Pluto, Jupiter, Uranus and Mercury.

    This shows some heavy duty forces at work in the deep psychology of the relationship. The fourth house also signifies the home.
    I interpret this to mean constant movement and churning and power play and trickery – not too condusive to peace and harmony. Or relaxation.

    Now, if Venus was there…. aaaah….. sigh.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:49pm

  443. 443: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, is it your deep desire to lose control?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:53pm

  444. 444: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Wow,
    Thinking about control, two different wordings come to mind-
    to lose control
    to give up control

    I want to trust and respect a man and feel secure and treasured enough to give up control (to him? to love? or simply just give it up – to the Universe)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:56pm

  445. 445: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    ah
    I didnt know you and WM were starting again April rose,I am out of touch
    Sorry

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 4:56pm

  446. 446: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I want to keep in control of myself. I don’t want to feel insecure with a man.
    Those are my priorities.
    I would rather really like a good man who makes me his priority, than love someone who is ambiguous.
    That is something I learnt, and I will not allow myself to get hung up over a guy again.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:02pm

  447. 447: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((Tam)))))))))

    What would happen if you literally would go on some of the suggested meetings (the boating your common friend suggested for example)…and there (in a boat maybe, where escaping would be hard)..would just say how you really feel about things? Like you write here to us… Hm… Maybe it’s a bit crazy suggesting that… Probably it’s not a sireny way either, but still… I would crave some clearness to the situation in your place.
    Why it really didn’t work out the last time? Was it about him getting upset when you received a message from another man? Then maybe that’s the only thing you need to address then… I don’t really know. I imagine it is hard to do the no contact if there is still “so much in the air” between you two and you compare other men to him for their disadvantage.. I do no contact, but usually when I am convinced I want a certain man out of my system and when I feel better with that idea than with the idea to keep him around somehow…and when I know for sure I will be better without him than with him & also eager to meet someone who could make me happier. Mr P seems still very much on the pedestal here…from what I have been reading catching up with your posts tonight. I know I am not you, but for me I would want it “on” with him or I would want to “move on” from him completely, and that might include also moving away from the usual setting I used to relate to him. I guess I’m bit radical sometimes.

    (I liked GlowStix idea that “maybe these men are NOT THAT GREAT after all… although I don remember if she was referring to your situation, maybe not)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:06pm

  448. 448: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose – Maybe it’s not about control at all, not of him, you, or anything. Maybe it’s about choosing trust, in you, in him, and your higher self.

    xxoo

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:11pm

  449. 449: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I knew MrP would contact me today. I just knew it.
    A little message on fb. Something he thought would interest me.
    Ugh.
    Now what.
    Just ignore. :(

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:15pm

  450. 450: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii…I have been through all of that already. I feel exasperated. I honestly don’t know what to do. So I choose nothing. I choose to spend time with guys that want to see me and make plans. And try not to engage with him, I guess.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:18pm

  451. 451: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    370: CurvySiren10

    “April Rose, your feelings remind me of the days when I still lived with my ex husband and he’d leave for a time, and take the toxicity that was our relationship with him. I felt like dancing around the house ….I was so happy, carefree, content, peaceful. With his return, that toxic cloud came back and I started to feel choked again. It’s not a good situation to live in. I’m free of it now and I cherish my own space and the toxic free environment.”

    Gosh I know that feeling.
    I feel calm within a minute when that energy is away from me.
    And awful within a minute when it is back. Less than a minute actually I reckon.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:19pm

  452. 452: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth,

    I’m not sure what it is we may be trying to start again.
    I am not feeling great about it, whatever it is.
    I don’t feel desired, and that is a requirement for me.

    I’m going on a date on Thursday, with a man who seems to have an interest in me.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:23pm

  453. 453: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I couldn’t ignore it because when I read it, it is about a cyclists tragic death. And I know the guy’s dad, he sold me (and my then bf) our first house!! He is a really nice guy. Oh what a tragedy.
    So yeah, I had an answer to that message, but it just came out, no motives. I am just shocked that the guy’s son died.
    Such sad news. Gonna tell my ex bf now.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:24pm

  454. 454: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Tam’s three-legged horse))))

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:27pm

  455. 455: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Curvysiren 370

    I completely missed your comment, until Annie reposted it.
    Yeah, dancing around an empty house feels good.

    I understand about the toxic cloud of the relationship. For me sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s not.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:28pm

  456. 456: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((the super nice guy who sold us our first house and is mourning the death of his son today))) and yes
    (((my three legged horse))))
    and
    (((MrP who is really digging around for stuff to get into contact with me)))
    And
    ((((meeee))))

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:30pm

  457. 457: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Dominique,

    I too think that trust is a decision. I choose to trust …

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:31pm

  458. 458: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Goddess Lily, my horse says ‘hello’ ;)

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:35pm

  459. 459: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    404: k2012.

    “ow to long term ex. I returned his call today although I sent him a text. Told me he wants to see me and he has been trying to get me. He doesn’t know that I deliberately did not answer. He wants to see me!!!!!!!! When he told me, I didn’t answer him. Said he will call later. I won’t answer. When he told me he was trying to get me, I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.”

    This is an opportunity to speak your truth in a different way and take loving action and care of yourself.
    Heal and move forward.

    “I told him I have been busy. Is he crazy. I am not getting back involved with him. He is MaRRIED. No wonder I shouldn’t answer my phone.”

    What is the feeling that comes up for you re seeing him now he is married?
    You have already answered what you don’t want which is to be involved with a married man. He is unavailable for a relationship with you and not what you want.

    For me the feeling would be uncomfortable or not good to be meeting and liaising with a married man.
    So my speech would be ” I don’t feel comfortable or good about seeing or communicating one to one with an ex who is now married, so it would feel better to me to not have this kind of communication and contact now you are married.
    That is how I would feel and what I would want. And then I would delete contact details etc. Unless I felt comfortable having a friendship with both of them as a couple, which would be highly unlikely for that to be workable for all involved although that does work for some if that is what all the parties involved want.

    So What feeling/s comes up for you around this meeting him and having contact with him now he is married?
    And what do you not want and want?
    When you have processed this and know then you will be able to speak your authentic truth and take the loving action that is in your higher interest.
    Tune into and connect to this spiritual power you have inside you. It’s an you already all you have to do is tune in, listen and speak from that place.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:38pm

  460. 460: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    *in you.

    Not in your Hairdresser or anyone else. :) X

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:41pm

  461. 461: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Heart, here is the Vote for yourself tool, it’s from Rory’s e-letters:

    What if your love life depended on a vote?

    What’s the first thing that came to your mind when I asked that question?

    Did you think about your man voting for YOU? In other words, voting for you as the woman of his dreams, the woman he wants to be with forever?

    That’s the way I always looked at it – as though I were RUNNING for the office of “girlfriend,” or “wife.”

    Looking back, it was as if I were draping myself in my credentials, showing off my skills, like “niceness,” and “understanding,” and “sexy,” and “smart,” and “funny,” and so many other things I thought he’d “love” about me – things I thought would make him fall in love with me forever.

    So, how do you really get his vote? How do you get him to fall? Well, first, you have to vote for YOURSELF.

    Okay, this sounds so obvious. You say – “Well, of COURSE I’m voting for myself!” You say “I want to be THE ONE!”

    But let’s take a closer look. Because – if you’re finding yourself thinking about him all the time, worrying about how he feels all the time, stressing about every woman he comes in contact with and speaks to – every beautiful, sexy woman he LOOKS at, even on TV – then are you REALLY voting for yourself?

    What We Women Normally Do (That Doesn’t Work)

    I think what we women do is – we’re sort of instinctively voting for the other woman, we sort of think she’s the one who should get our man (otherwise, why would we be jealous?)

    We’re sort of instinctively voting for the FAILURE of our relationship.

    It’s why everyone freaks out during an election. Everyone WANTS their candidate to win, and yet it’s this FEAR that our candidate will lose that is filling up our feelings 24 hours a day.

    We are more focused on the possibility of losing than we are on the possibility of winning. And that changes our “vibe.”

    In our relationships – when we focus on the possibility of losing, or that he’s drifting away or withdrawing – our whole sense of confidence and ease and sensuality and relaxation goes away:

    We suddenly become tense and anxious, worried and frightened, and we ANTICIPATE the worst
    We become sensitive to everything a man says or does – even if it truly has nothing at all to do with us
    We stop voting for ourselves

    BUT – we continue LOBBYING!

    If you’re not sure what a “Lobbyist” does – he or she works to influence the government of any country. It’s usually about passing a bill or an initiative or creating a plan, or a hiring or appointing of someone for a high position, or fighting AGAINST something.

    And here we are, lobbying for our relationship. Working to get our man to love us, and to give us affection, attention, and commitment. And the saddest thing in the world is – though lobbying works in government, lobbying our man will only PUSH HIM AWAY.

    So – instead of trying to WIN his vote, to INFLUENCE his vote, or to GET his vote – stop all that and simply VOTE FOR YOURSELF.

    If you can Vote For Yourself – every minute of every day, in every situation – you will create a “vibe” around yourself that will be adorable, irresistible, fool-proof and cheat-proof.

    You will no longer vote for the other woman by getting jealous or asking him for a commitment before he offers one.

    You will no longer vote for failure by focusing on failure.

    You will vote for yourself by focusing on YOU:

    On what you FEEL
    On what you WANT
    On what you want to have, to know, to be, to accomplish, to experience, to try, to feel, to love, to engage and experiment with – for YOU
    Express your power. Consider it a vote for YOU.

    Here’s A Way That You Can Vote For Yourself…

    You can stop focusing so much on HIM and what he’s doing or thinking, and instead start dating yourself.

    This means treating yourself to activities that feed your soul, like spending time with your favorite friend, or going on a long walk in a beautiful park.

    It means flirting and smiling at every man you meet, so that you can feel like the Diva that you already are, instead of wondering what HE is feeling about you.

    YOU have options. You can use every interaction with every man you run into as an opportunity to practice your “Diva skills.” This will completely change your vibe around a man and elevate your Degree of Difficulty in an instant.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:43pm

  462. 462: TamNo Gravatar says:

    It’s true, Ulii, these men are ‘not so great’. And I am looking for a ‘great man’ measured by how much he wants to be with me, as well as a host of other factors…but when I make the ‘how much he wants to be with me’ my number 1 priority because it really is the essence of it all – then the ambiguous ones don’t even feature anywhere on the ‘list’.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 5:59pm

  463. 463: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I see those little things from Mr.P as bids for emotional connection. It is a core human need. It is your choice to make, but if I were you I would at least consider making a zero negativity pledge.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:01pm

  464. 464: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((Tam)))))))))))

    Yes I know…I have seen you have been through it all… Although maybe not in detail, but from your words I have this impression. I guess it’s the restless me who wants to fix and have solutions and can’t stand the idea of the “limbo” too well. Sorry :(

    ” I make the ‘how much he wants to be with me’ my number 1 priority because it really is the essence of it all – then the ambiguous ones don’t even feature anywhere on the ‘list’.”…

    I believe this is good. As it gives more room to the great ones.

    And sorry to hear about that young man’s death… it really is tragic. :(

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:08pm

  465. 465: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose – I was just listening to the Art of Love series and heard a new suggestion that seems profound. He suggested asking your partner “Would you be willing to ask me that in a different way? Maybe with a warm tone of voice”? I believe the attitude would need to be learning about the partner and curiosity.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:12pm

  466. 466: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    April Rose…The first thing that came to mind when you posted how he acted/what he said when he came home (talking about “our” work, etc.) was—-that there was a time when I wasn’t sure if I was in or out (with D) and I know he could feel that. He wasn’t very affectionate and, while he wouldn’t turn me down, he took opportunities to avoid sex.

    At the time it felt awful (this was shortly before I moved out) and I couldn’t really see that he was kind of protecting himself because I had started to pull away.

    Is there any hope that you could be happy with this man?

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:23pm

  467. 467: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Oh…FW/464…I LOVE it. I want to remember that. Thank you <3

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:25pm

  468. 468: TamNo Gravatar says:

    462 FW, I know. I do know, believe me.
    In fact. I feel shocked to realise that everything I said in my email to him, which I thought he totally ignored, he is actually logically interpreting.
    I said we don’t have meaningful communication and I don’t want any sex oriented texts…so now he sees this kind of stuff as ‘meaningful communication’.
    Of course I meant something totally different, but he has no access to what I was talking about, he lives in a logical, fixing, doing world.
    Same with the ‘we don’t do anything anymore’. Then I get the phonecall about the boating.
    He is just trying to please me and re-establish the connection. I see that now.
    But I don’t know what to do with what he has to offer. Because it feels like crumbs.
    Ugh.
    Perhaps I expected him to turn into someone else or just go away. Neither of which is going to happen.
    Jeepers!!!!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:29pm

  469. 469: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Catching up here:

    #369 – @Indigo. WOW. That totally resonated with me. So much so that my jaw dropped. What a wonderful and healthy way to look at leaving a relationship. Wow. Thats all I can say – wow.

    @April Rose – *hug* I hope things go better for you. It sounds like a stressful night.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:37pm

  470. 470: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The same person I was listening to said “even constructive criticism” is harmful to relationships. I am reading those words to him and from here the “we don’t” and “I don’t” seems negative and critical. Maybe it is the double negative in one sentence. Maybe it is just my brain. Rori suggests “I feel, I don’t want. What do you think”? Another coach suggests never “criticize his lack of interest in spending time with you”. It strikes at the core of an area where a men needs to feel he is winning and he can experience it as disrespect. Specifically “we don’t do anything anymore” I something I would look at rewriting with how I feel. The fact he might have asked the friend to call is enough evidence that he feels unsafe in the presence of that kind of communication. Is my humble opinion.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:44pm

  471. 471: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild it helped to open my mind to understand CCarter’s harsh demand vs request. When we make requests based on what we wish to experience and allow space for the other person’s opinion, at least when the shoe is on the other foot, I feel safe and more open to being influenced.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:50pm

  472. 472: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW… I do agree with you, except for having been through all this time and time again. I just sent him the email to express my don’t wants and explain, briefly, why I don’t want to be friends anymore (because there is no basis to it anymore, activities etc). It was factual, not so much critical, I did not blame.
    I had someone else from here read over it too. I did not write it to convince or ask for anything, just stated my truth. For some reason it made him stir, perhaps because he realised that I am kind of done.
    He is afraid of communication in general with women unless it is about, well news or something tangible. He is not a phone person, and all that explains why he got the friend roped into it – and it is a good friend of mine.
    Well, it is what it is. I am not going to jump. There is nothing to jump to, if you know what I mean.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 6:58pm

  473. 473: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel peaceful for some reason.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 7:23pm

  474. 474: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    @glowsticks….I love ur energy…..@Elsie…..thank you for your kind words…it always feels good to know you r not alone

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:00pm

  475. 475: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you GlowStix and thanks for sharing your story.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:21pm

  476. 476: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, thank you, it felt peaceful and calming to read your post.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:22pm

  477. 477: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, if a friend came to you with a story much like the story between you & Mr. P, what advice woyk you give your friend? One of my closest friends, who also happens to be about 20 years older than me always says “Be your own best friend.” I tend to agree with that bit of philosophy.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:34pm

  478. 478: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t think we can always judge a mans love for us by his actions. I do feel like we can gauge a mans emotional maturity through his actions though. That in itself – may or may not be a deal breaker.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 8:51pm

  479. 479: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    J texted me a few days ago…I haven’t hear from him in at least a month. It was a link to something, and then a second text that said he forgot I don’t have a smart phone. I was tempted to type the link into my computer letter for letter and see what he’d sent me, but then I thought, he could have emailed me. I haven’t replied.

    I’m enjoying that he contacted me and that’s enough for now. If he wants to talk to me he can call me.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:18pm

  480. 480: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I met a man at a party over the weekend. We talked all night and he told someone we were talking to that we would be dating in the future. At the end of the night he asked what my last name was. I coyly asked why? He said so he could FB me. I said I never go on FB. He said then give me your number. I again coyly asked why? (I don’t like to give it out easily because it feels bad when guys don’t call). He mumbled about..if you find someone interesting people should have each other’s phone numbers. I just looked at him and let him talk. Finally he said, so I can take you to a museum and the ballet! Oh, I would so love that, here’s my number, was my reply.

    It’s my way of putting out what kind of woman I am. It felt good.

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:24pm

  481. 481: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I took D to another party last night. Again, he didn’t really talk to people and seemed to be waiting for me to attend to him. He didn’t say he had a good time after, or thank me for taking him. He didn’t even say I looked nice, or ask what I’d been up to. He complained about his problems. I find him really annoying. I really do. He helped me move a couch I wanted, which was nice, but he didn’t act like he was happy to do it. I feel disconnected around him. I noticed at the party too that I had more fun talking to other people than to him. Ugh!

    And yet, somehow the sex is still so fabulous!

    Monday, 18 February 2013 @ 10:27pm

  482. 482: Memulo says:

    My cd calls me every night and asks what I am doing. Last night I was at dinner with a friend and when he texted asking if I was busy I told him that. When he called late at night his first question was – who were you at dinner with? I don’t know how to deal with this. On one hand, he calls because ‘he misses me so much’. So I can’t say anything to that. On the other, it’s his way of controlling me. Any advice?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:14am

  483. 483: Memulo says:

    Another thing- I said that my friend is selling her apartment. He said – let’s buy it together and move in! Is he controlling my finances now? Is he relying on me financially? Or planning to? I never said I wanted to buy a place. I never said I wanted to move in with him.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:20am

  484. 484: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – yes i would get into myself about how im being triggered to feel guilt etc

    and tweaking and healing within myself the pattern that generates the perception that he’s intending to – and able to – control me

    then i would prepare in the moment to be triggered again and have my FM ready:

    “im feeling uncomfortable… i feel a bit … scrutinized… kinda under pressure… ”

    “and its not your fault, im feeling triggered… and it feels kinda weird… is there something i should know?/what do you think about this?”

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:24am

  485. 485: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “i dont want to feel that way with you… i feel so good feeling safe and cared for with you… what do you think we can do about this?”

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:25am

  486. 486: Memulo says:

    At the same time he is waiting for results of his job interview;)) so he is in a full control of the situation! He occupies all my weekends, he controls my every move and at the same time works on his other options. I need to CD more but it’s hard to find the time;(

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:25am

  487. 487: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – “lets buy it together”

    i’d adopt the perspective that he’s just showing he likes me by future talking

    i am not used to receiving love and being adored and having a man actually Lead relationship Forward and this triggers me

    and thats totally ok

    AND I AM TOTALLY FREE AND HONORED AND SACRED AND PURE while im enjoying this attention and making absolutely no committment until *I* feel GOOD

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:28am

  488. 488: Memulo says:

    Thanks Daria. You think one day I should not pick up the phone?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:30am

  489. 489: Memulo says:

    Daria, I’m fine with future talking. But it can be done differently. One option is the way he did it. The other option – I will buy a place and if I’m lucky you agree to live there with me. ;) )

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:33am

  490. 490: Memulo says:

    He shared briefly that he broke up with a girl he really liked because they were practically living together and then one day she said – I’m going out with my friends tomorrow. And she did it sometimes, go out without him. I don’t know the details but it sounded scary

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:37am

  491. 491: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo it sounds like he allows he insecurities to get the better of him. In the presence of love these things will come up to be healed. He is likely falling hard for you and is afraid so he is kinda warning you. Your comments also sound like you are in the power struggle phase of the relationship.

    I don’t understand how he could be controlling your finances by talking about the apartment. That sounds irrational to me and like your brain going into stress mode. Maybe the question “would you be willing to ask me that in a different way, maybe in a warm tone of voice?” might help him express himself better or change your perspective. A person only has as much control over you as you allow.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:10am

  492. 492: TamNo Gravatar says:

    476..hmmm…Moving Magic. What would I say to a friend? I would tell her to move on, obviously.
    I would also perhaps tell her to stay open and go with the flow and date and NOT push him away but just have him in the pool etc.
    Which is what I have been trying to do.
    My best friend (a psychologist) basically said the same thing, except she actually believes that if my insecurities didn’t match his and we kept setting each other off all the time, it would be possible to have a relationship with him, but not in the conventional sense, and not a very satisfying one. She also said that the best thing for me would be to have a man who had a fairly healthy upbringing in a fairly healthy family unit and was able to provide me the security I need. Emotionally. Was able to communicate, relate and declare his love/relationship wishes etc. Emotionally available basically. Curly is such a guy actually, it is just a shame that we don’t match on other levels.

    MrP and I have exactly the same messed up childhood and resulting problems from it. Which is why we understand each other so well, and why we are sabotaging each other and ourselves and any relationship/friendship. His mother left him, my father left me. Same age. Both grew up with grandmother influence mostly. He doesn’t trust women, I don’t trust men and so on and on.
    It is actually VERY interesting to know that.
    When we started talking about our past, we both could not believe that we had exactly same scenarios, even at exactly the same age.

    I have been able to have successful relationships with men that were very secure, emotionally stable and available and not afraid to lay their feelings on the line. They went first, not me. They opened up and made ME feel safe.
    There are not many of these guys around. They tend to have successful relationships/marriages. I know I will get flak for saying this on here, but this is how it has shown up for me. My experience.

    I am quite aware of the fact that it would probably never work with him and me. It is difficult to walk away because we have been a kind of crutch to each other in bad times also. But I am moving on. I always have done. I was always dating ever since I have known him. I don’t wait around for anything to happen that never will happen, you know?
    I am dating Curly and a couple of guys in the woodwork every now and then. Curly and I are a kind of couple though I don’t want to commit to him.
    I can’t lie and say that I wouldn’t run if MrP was to offer me what I want, but I know he won’t…time moves on, I move on, I may not even be here in 6 weeks time and the whole saga will be finished.

    Maybe not a bad thing.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:13am

  493. 493: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I agree with FW…men also can be insecure, like us. Him checking up shows that he is worried he might lose you to another guy.
    Men who are very keen on you often do want to know where you are…I found this.
    He is future talking also. This in itself is mainly a good thing, no?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:18am

  494. 494: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… i’ll always be with
    you.” – Winnie the Pooh

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:31am

  495. 495: TamNo Gravatar says:

    493..aw FW..that IS cute :)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:32am

  496. 496: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Tam – yes I know he wants me for now and he is future talking. he gave me his published works signed – hoping for a future with you. He gave me Vday card saying ‘you make me want to settle’. Yet I don’t think he should be counting on my financial help for moving in together.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:36am

  497. 497: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam reading what your friend said I heard “look for a man that is prefect, without the quirks and idiosyncracies of being human”. I believe that many men become evolved because of the women they have in their lives that help them to heal.

    Again I remember Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

    According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., we know we are in the right relationship when it starts off as a “dream come true” and then rapidly devolves into “our worst nightmare.”

    Listen in to understand:
    Why it’s good news if your relationship has become a “nightmare!”
    The #1 decision all couples must make to end negativity
    Why the “short” conversation works best
    The magical phrase to turn around all criticism
    The 3 components of a blissful marriage

    http://evolvingwisdom.com/artoflove2/event/

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:38am

  498. 498: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo there is a saying “where your treasure is there your heart is also”. He knows if you put your money in, you will be in. I don’t believe his focus is your money. You said he is a doctor so I imagine his profession is paying him enough to take care of himself. I believe his focus is on winning your heart.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:41am

  499. 499: TamNo Gravatar says:

    496, maybe. I don’t buy into that so much. I met very young men that were emotionally extremely mature and old guys that had not learned a thing….

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:43am

  500. 500: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Also it seems he does not know your values around finances when in relationship. Have you had that conversation yet?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:43am

  501. 501: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    They might have had kind openhearted mothers who were committed to their family.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:44am

  502. 502: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As Renee Piane says “most men who are in their 40 – 50s grew up with leave it to beaver moms. Trying to do everything. Succeed in the marketplace and be moms at the same time”.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:46am

  503. 503: TamNo Gravatar says:

    500: YES!! That’s it.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:47am

  504. 504: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    3 Secrets About Men I Bet You Don’t Know

    As a therapist, I’ve listened to a lot of men talk about their relationships. Here are 3 things I’ve heard that nearly every man wishes the woman they love understood.

    1) When I’m upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say something is actually more important than what you say.
    Most women focus on the content of a conversation when they are upset. Not men. While men do pay attention to what you’re saying, how you say it is more significant.

    When you are in a disagreement you can yell, scream, use sarcastic quips, etc., but don’t expect any positive results. He can’t hear you when the tone and pitch of your voice is too intense.

    He may deserve to be yelled at, and if so – go for it. Just remember, the greater the amount of emotion a man feels, the more sensitive he is to your tone.

    2) I don’t always know how I feel. That’s why I don’t tell you.
    Men have an ability that most women don’t understand – we can shut off our feelings pretty easily. There are many times when we aren’t feeling anything. It takes a lot of effort for a man to “feel.” If you want to know what a man is feeling, ask him this question, “What do you think about __________?”

    You most likely will not get an emotional answer like you might receive from one of your girlfriends, but it’s easier for him to begin sharing his thoughts rather than start revealing his feelings.

    3) If I say one thing, and then behave in a manner that is contradictory to what I have said – go with my actions.
    That will always tell you what is really in my heart, and will reveal more about my true character. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it is true. Words simply don’t mean as much to men as they do to women.

    The reason for this is that men tend to say what they believe in the moment. Since men don’t feel emotions that often, they are very susceptible when they do have feelings.

    If they are feeling romantic at the moment, they may make a promise that they sincerely believe – in that specific moment. However, they may not keep that promise once the romantic sentiment fades away. I am not claiming this conduct is right, and it certainly is not mature to act in this manner, but this is the sad truth regarding how many men behave.

    Bob Grant

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:51am

  505. 505: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He is not very generous and yes I understand he doesn’t want to lose me but it’s not about me, it’s about him not losing ;)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:07am

  506. 506: TamNo Gravatar says:

    504 – that’s an assumption Memulo!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:14am

  507. 507: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thankful to the Universe for the day. I feel thankful for the birds singing in the morning. I feelcalm and dreamy listening to them. I feel like I’m at my parents house. I feel new to this world and happy just to be.
    I feel thankful for my giftto find perfect presents. I feel happy to see people happy and surprized. I feel connected and warm and that feels very very good.
    I feel thankful to myself for the great healthy food I have. I feel thankful to the food. I feel nourished and healthy and energized.
    I feel thankful to MH for bringing me my favourite tea again. I feel cherished and loved.
    I feel thankful to MH for lots of calls and cuddling. It feels very good.
    I feel thankful tomyself

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:18am

  508. 508: ViNo Gravatar says:

    For noticing uptightness in the body and sending a Valentine to it. It feels sooo relaxing.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:19am

  509. 509: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE the repost on Voting for yourself! Yeah ! I have been voting for myself for a while now and did not realize it. It feels good to vote for me.
    I have been focusing on…
    On what I FEEL (and it must feel good or I will not keep engaged in it)
    On what I WANT ( and not investing time into something that is not going to get me what I want)
    On what I want to have, to know, to be, to accomplish, to experience, to try, to feel, to love, to engage and experiment with – for me!

    Voting for me feels protective and empowering. I feels like I am taking good care of myself.

    Leaving FavoriteCD’s place when it did not feel good (posted earlier this thread)… felt like putting feet on my vote. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Not worrying about he would feel but what I needed to do to maintain my well being felt RIGHT! Putting feet on my vote felt good.

    —-

    I got a phone call from FavoriteCD last evening…”Hi, I just wanted to hear your voice”.. “I want to appologize for my behavior I it know probably it hurt you and I feel bad”… “I was tired and I just needed to sleep”. My response…

    “Thank you for the appology. I know my dog created a problem and I felt anxious. When you left the room without a word I felt concern”. Finding you in the other bedroom and your unwillingness to communicate what the problem was when I asked…increased my concern and anxiety”. “I became very uncomfortable then and it felt bad all the way around, so I needed to to remove myself and my misbehaving dog from the situation.” “I want you to know that I believe communication vital and absence of it for me leaves me to draw conclusion and assumption”. “This is a new situation and behavior I am dealing with here with the dog and I feel embarassed and lots of anxiety now”

    He responded with …. “I really like your little dog (which I acknowledged appreciatively) and this is just something we work thru” “new couples encounter things like this and we will get it figured out”.

    I feel pretty peaceful today. Not because I got the situation with the dog figured out but because… I did a really good job at expressing my feelings and honoring my commitment to Remove myself from any situation that does not feel good. I voted for ME!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:37am

  510. 510: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the post Vi….the Vote tool post <3

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:45am

  511. 511: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – trying to “stay strong” and ignore someone takes waaay too much energy….and your insides feel tight and hard…and the whole thing just feels so masculine and it makes you obsess about the person more…

    just be nice….”pave over your flypaper” I guess
    or be an invitation…or Leave it up to him?
    That’s what I have decided ..though my inner boy hates submitting/surrendering & leaving things up to someone else…it feels more feminine.
    It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs…
    <3

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:49am

  512. 512: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I felt pretty tired and uptight yesterday.

    I went shopping last night and watched my favorite recorded show in the evening. I was not consumed with thoughts of FavoriteCD or my dog. I just did what felt good to me.

    FavoriteCD asked me to call him when I got home from shopping, but I did not feel like doing it. The stuff that stressed me earlier, did not even enter my mind… and I feel amazed by that. I just sent a goodnight text and did slept like a rock.

    I dont even care that he did not respond. or that I have not heard from him this morning.

    I feel like something clicked in my feminine energy side of me. Wow ! this is way cool!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:51am

  513. 513: TamNo Gravatar says:

    510..Heart, yay! Exactly the conclusion I have drawn and that is why I feel peaceful right now.
    I even feel a bit smiley also.
    I don’t know.
    It could be worse.
    I have a guy in my life who really cares for me, calls all the time, wants to see me all the time and fulfills all my emotional and physical needs – except not my needs for intellectual stimulation and we are too different for me to consider a relationship. I take what I can get and when it starts to feel icky I shall depart. And he knows that.
    So that’s all good.
    I have a guy in my life with whom I had all the intellectual, hobbies, thoughts etc connection and who has not been able to meet my needs for an emotional connection…and that’s ok too.

    I do feel loved in two different ways. both are trying to please me in their own different ways and maybe for now that is just enough. I am so sick of fighting, ‘wishing’ for things to be different. ‘Wanting more’.
    Actually, all is well. I can’t change people.
    I don’t want to.
    I also don’t want to run. I want to face what and who comes towards me, look him into the eyes and truthfully say who I am and what is important to me.
    I am done with running really…for now.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:56am

  514. 514: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo is it that he is not generous or is it that you are comparing him with someone else?

    Or is it that he does not know that you might be high maintenance, needs gifts to feel loved or just basically does not know what you want?

    Again, have you had a good discussion about finances?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:13am

  515. 515: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique I wonder what you think about this.

    For example, “Mike, I’m hurting inside right now. I feel sad. I also feel a little bit afraid. I’m sad because I feel like something has come between us and we’re not as close right now. I’m afraid because I value this relationship and I don’t want to lose you.” And now the clear directions: “I feel like there’s something affecting your feelings toward me that you’re not telling me about. I want us to work it out together. I want you to trust me and work through it with me. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

    This approach works because of three main reasons.
    First , it doesn’t require that your man read between the lines of raw emotion.
    Second, it communicates the problem in a way his mind is designed to work. Men like to fix problems, so a clear problem and a clear direction to solve it are like a breath of fresh air to his male brain.
    Third, your emotions are expressed in ways that cause him to want to come to your rescue and be your hero. Give him a chance to be your hero and he will generally respond with a degree of nobility and patience you would not otherwise receive.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:24am

  516. 516: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Well, Femininewoman, I’m not so crazy about the wording. The thought behind this is well intentioned, yet there is too much “you” in there plus it’s too long. I would rewrite like this -

    “Mike, I’m feeling kind of awful, sad, a little bit afraid even. I’ve been feeling disconnected from you, and I don’t know why, and this doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to feel this way with you. Is there anything you want to say to me/tell me?”

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:38am

  517. 517: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    @Linda – I feel curious, what kind of dog do you have? How old is he? Thanks.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:07am

  518. 518: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Debbie Ford passed away :’(

    She authored the book “Shadow Beliefs: The Dark Side of The Light Chasers” and I read it 11 or 12 years ago.

    I sincerely outgrew her work, but I feel so very sad to hear of her death. I even went to one of her workshops back in 2004 and met her.

    I feel sad she’s gone.

    I feel a loss even though I outgrew her work and didn’t like the workshop much. I *did* really like her.

    R.I.P.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:15am

  519. 519: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @503 Feminine Woman – I love this article – thank you for posting it -. I like the 3rd one especially it really helped me.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:44am

  520. 520: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    do that Harlem Shake ♬

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:49am

  521. 521: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    So today (for those of you following my drama) …. I had an amazing experience.

    So this entire weekend, I leaned back. I’m working on my feminine energy, and just leaning back.

    Today he came over and said to me with TEARS in his eyes….”Thank you for talking to me yesterday. It meant a lot to me because I dont really have anyone that I can share all of this with and it means a lot to me.”

    Wow. Ok – so I teared up a little too, but paused. Then I said “It felt good to be there for you. You have always been there for me when I really needed it. I’m glad I could be there for you – it felt good.” And then I said, “And if you ever want to talk – even if its not about something emotional that you are going through – just let me know – and we can just talk about something else. If you need someone to talk to – It feels good to be there for you even if we arent talking about the emotional stuff.”

    And then I made a lighthearted comment that his price to pay would be doing this small thing for my child which I couldnt figure out…and he laughed and said he would be happy to do it.

    anyway – the point is that he isnt really showing up for me emotionally and of course there is still the elephant in the room as to what he said last week. But his actions are showing that I am important to him, and that I am the only one that truly “gets” him. I will continue to create that space between us so that he can move into it if he wants.

    It felt good to hear that from him though, although my guard is still up from his last week comments.

    Thoughts?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:08am

  522. 522: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m sorry for the infant I was. I’m sorry for the infant I am….I’m sorry when you look at me, you don’t see a man.”

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:10am

  523. 523: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I read an email from Arielle that suggested Debbie had passed but I was not sure. Do you know when this happened Radiant Rising?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:16am

  524. 524: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhh it was on Sunday. I just saw another email

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:20am

  525. 525: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    It also felt good to hear him say what he said because it meant that he feels safe with me to emotionally connect with me. I know I’m the only person in the world he can do this with. (Which is why I was so upset about what he said last week….)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:23am

  526. 526: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    What you resist, persists.

    For example, I was worrying myself, to the point of unhappiness and stress, about the fact that i was consistently feeling responsible for QZ’s happiness.

    Which, incidentally, is ME making *him* responsible for MY happiness.

    What I am resisting just ends up manifesting in my very resistance of it.

    I intend to give up focusing my energy on rejection and resistance of that which i do not want. instead, i will focus on bringing to life a far more pleasant alternative.

    I shall be the change I wish to experience.

    Another example — QZ said “I don’t do drama!” in response to my being upset, in the middle of a fight. And what did that do? It escalated the dang drama. What he focused on rejecting, just ended up growing more intensely!

    What if he had instead just focused on responding in non-dramatic ways.. focused on not treating us like we’re “bad” and “dramatic”? :) :) That would feel so good.

    He and I are on the same page about this now. fun!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:26am

  527. 527: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kandi – What would help you the most would be to learn to Circular Date and focus on that, and on practicing the Tools with all kinds of men. This is GONE – please stay OUT of contact with him except for running into him at work and events….explore NEW men! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:38am

  528. 528: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Then he left, angry and even raising his voice across the parking lot at my apartment building, and sooo hungry. He accused me of “bringing the drama out of” him. I laughed and said that maybe his not eating anything all day had something to do with the way he was reacting.

    but he was showing up. he was yelling, angry, upset, and EXPRESSING that. victory!!!!!!!!!!

    And I felt so pissed. I wouldn’t even look at him. I just kept walking toward the front door of my building, and he was walking towards his own car to go home. He wasn’t chasing me, but he yelled, “I’ll just talk to you later. NO REALLY, I WILL REALLY CALL YOU LATER. I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.”
    and
    “I’M ANGRY BUT I LOVE YOU”

    awwww. i was too pissed to give a f*ck, but when I got back into my house, i could relax. i knew this wasn’t the end or the start of a silent period like old times. He was showing up. He was YELLING his feelings. He was frustrated and TELLING me about it. It was freaking awesome.

    He called me an hour or two later. He had finally eaten something and wasn’t very mad anymore. I knew that would happen:P, hehe. He apologized for the things he said and felt very ashamed of it. His parents fought like crazy growing up so he has a big aversion to purposely letting anger and discontent show. But it felt good. I felt more trusting of him. I told him that it’s okay to fight.. that we HAVE to express ourselves and look out for ourselves, and that if the alternative to stuffing it all down for now is getting into ‘dramatic’ fights, who cares? it’s a learning process we skipped over the last time we dated and i’m not scared of fighting with him. i’m more scared of never knowing how he really feels when he’s upset.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:44am

  529. 529: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’d never seen him angry like that before. it was glorious. i wold hate most any man for shouting across my parking lot and ‘embarrassing’ me, but i just felt thrilled that he was ‘letting it out’.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:52am

  530. 530: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Making assumptions about men & their emotions feels really limited to me. I don’t want to group any person into a category based purely off of their gender. It feels much better when I’m constantly checking in with myself, & asking if this person is able to meet me/ show up in a way that feels good to me.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:07am

  531. 531: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    While on my commute this afternoon, a man sat next to me & started commenting on the green I’m wearing, & then was wowed by the color of my eyes. We ended up getting into a conversation on the topic of love. Haha. The universe provides so many messangers, & opportunity for expansion.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:11am

  532. 532: Memulo says:

    FW – not very generous. I never received gifts from anyone else actually.
    He invited me to a show a couple of times – we sat in the last row of the highest floor, both times. A woman next to me said outloud to her husband – the next step is sitting outside;) Once at dinner I didn’t like my wine – he said: I’m sorry you don’t like it. He didnt offer another glass. I just didn’t drink it. There are other little things like this.
    And I know what I want and know that I won’t get that;)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:12am

  533. 533: Memulo says:

    Starla, it sounds great! ;)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:28am

  534. 534: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Raidant Rising – I have a Miniature Long haired Daushound. He is 11 years old.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:37am

  535. 535: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Linda. I’d like to send your little guy (doggie) some energy. Can’t explain, just a feeling of inspiration to. Do I have your permission? If so, may I know his name? If you prefer not to give it, I understand.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:33am

  536. 536: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Just came out of dance class, all wet now from the rain and sitting in the car.

    *Sigh* Having a panic attack…want to sob uncontrollably! Nothing specific…just a vibration…hating the world right now.
    Feeling angry. Feeling exhausted. Love to them both.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:36am

  537. 537: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYDKnvhT4WI

    cosmic love guided meditation

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:41am

  538. 538: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    I love Rori Raye. Because of her I just handled a situation I never would have handled correctly before…..get this….

    We were talking and I was getting ready to walk away normally, and then he made this comment about what we were talking about that was REALLY disrespectful and vulgar. It was a play on words, and he meant it as a joke, but I was very offended…so he laughed and said – oh, are you mad? And I just looked down and said no…..but he could see I was hurt, and I just left calmly.

    He came over a bit later, as soon as I got back actually, and said – hey, are you mad at me?

    Now normally, I would be like…YES IM MAD….BLAH BLAH BLAH….but instead I put my hand on my heart and I sunk into my chair and I said, no, I’m not mad. I felt hurt, and I felt disrespected. I felt sad that you would talk to me that way. It felt vulgar and I felt that you were calling me something vulgar.

    And he said…no no no, I was just making a play on words and he reached out to touch my shoulder and said – I care about your feelings. I didnt mean it – I didnt.

    I said – well, it feels good to hear you say that. My feelings havent been important to anyone for a long time, so it feels good that you came over to find out if you hurt my feelings, and that you care about them.

    And he TEARED UP AGAIN, and reached out AGAIN to me and held my hand and said that he cares about me so much and he would never want to hurt me.

    Rori Raye, seriously – you are the bomb. :)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:50am

  539. 539: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo how about finding a voice to speak about it?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 12:04pm

  540. 540: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Starla…thank you for sharing the meditation. I’m wondering…does she talk through all of it, or only in the beginning?

    Just curious…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 12:06pm

  541. 541: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Ooooops! Sorry, Starla…I just noticed that you already told us it’s a ‘guided meditation.’ :-p

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 12:12pm

  542. 542: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    :’( I feel sad. I just some bad news. My cousin who was only 24 and lived in India died last night. She experienced severe trauma to her head six years ago and hasn’t been the same since. The medications they kept putting her on without really knowing what was really wrong didn’t help.

    And the animal shelter where I will be spending more time in late next month also gave me bad news. There was a kitty who was brought in (abandoned) three days ago who had leukemia and she died this morning. She was an orange tabby and I became attached to her these past three days.

    My two little girls. :’( I feel so so sad, and I couldn’t help either one of them. Some day, today…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:18pm

  543. 543: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((Radiant Rising)))))))))))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:32pm

  544. 544: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, WHY are you dating this guy????? Something is majorly missing here my dear, and it’s any feeling of excitement or happiness.

    You sound kind of like a robot. Like this is all just happening to you and you have no choice, but smile about it. I don’t get it.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:34pm

  545. 545: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Radiant Rising, I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. I’m sending hugs and hope you can find some comfort with your loved ones.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:35pm

  546. 546: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Help needed please, with a reply to a man’s question.

    We are going to meet for a first date on Thursday.
    He is driving for two hours to meet me. In our telephone call he said “I’ll do the travelling and you do the choosing”. That felt good.

    He just wrote me “Have you thought of anywhere we can meet on Thursday yet? ”

    My reply doesn’t look quite right to me:-
    “Hmmm, thoughts of where to meet… I’m a bit of a perfectionist and feeling under pressure to get this right!!
    I enjoy walking in parks and around the town, discovering cosy pubs and any surprises along the way. What do you think?”

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:36pm

  547. 547: Memulo says:

    FW, yes I am planning to. At least to experiment!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:39pm

  548. 548: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Starla 528 etc

    I so get you right here!

    When I was feeling like that it felt a little crazy to want it like that…

    It seems there is a calm after the storm as communication is steadily growing, and calming between G and I since I got happy with conflict.

    Digging your attitude!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:45pm

  549. 549: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise, i just read your story, girl. sorry that didn’t work out how you were hoping. i’m proud of you for saying you need a break from that shxt. and it feels enlightening to see how he reacted all “fine, just break it then.” lol.

    just know that your heart was open and you did great, and then on top of all that, you were able to speak up for yourself. what amazing practice!!!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:45pm

  550. 550: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, April Rose.

    I appreciate that, Turquoise. Thank you so much.

    Feeling really intense and angry. Maybe that was why I was panicking earlier. Just sick of this world, and some of the people in it. This world can be such a jerk sometimes!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:45pm

  551. 551: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    I texted sweetheart yesterday morning to say we should talk about things, not just text. I didn’t get any reply until today at Lunch. He texted,

    “Sorry, I don’t really feel like talking right now. I think you’ve said everything you needed to say. You’ve made me feel like crap… something I’m pretty used to.”

    I replied, not swayed by his victim mentality (at least that is what I felt reading it)

    Me: Ok, sorry you feel bad.

    Him: I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I sincerely am. The last thing I ever wanted to do is make you feel bad or hurt you, that’s not the kind of person I am. I care about you too much to just let this go, but if that is what you wish, I respect that. This is extrememly difficult and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

    Me: I wish you could see things from my perspective. I feel like I’m dating you and M, and that she’s in charge. Finding out at 4 that my plans were now cancelled, and I’d wasted half the day waiting…. was frustrating. I don’t get a lot of time off. Maybe you don’t realize how that feels. I miss you and care about you, I just don’t know how long I can wait for things to change.

    Him: Do you think you are able to look at things from my perspective?

    Me: I have been, for months, and if anything, feels like we are going backwards. Which is why I suggested a break. It’s probably impossible to make two women happy, and your focus is still on dealing with your past. I know you have a lot going on. I do understand. I’m not mad at you, I’m just sad and frustrated.

    Him: I guess a break might be in order then. Maybe a little break will help us sort some things out. What do you think about that? I certainly don’t want to end things. I care about you too much.

    Me: A break might be good. I don’t want to end things either. I miss you already.

    Him: Me too Turquoise, me too.

    Does it feel to anyone else like he’s not claiming any responsibility here? Like things just happen TO him? Maybe I’m too close to see it from another point of view…. but there is nothing here about making changes or understanding how I feel. Just that he feels bad I feel bad.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:48pm

  552. 552: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Radiant Rising,

    I believe that Death is wise, and conveys those whose souls it claims to glorious and peaceful spiritual realms, where I too wil go one day.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:49pm

  553. 553: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    April rose

    Your reply does look a little nervous. Eager to please. It is endearing, to me. Could also be easily simplified and flirtified:

    “Oh, feeling the pressure ;-) hmmm…I love walks and spontaneously discovering cozy pubs or parks and other surprises along the way. That feels romantic. What do you think?”

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:49pm

  554. 554: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you April Rose, that was beautiful and I agree.

    To tell you the truth, this past week and especially today, I have been wanting to leave myself. But yesterday and today the feelings have come from intense anger due to the way people can act. Just have to process, I guess.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:53pm

  555. 555: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    April rose

    If you’re into picking more specifically, you could suggest you know a good “area” of town to go walking in, for that purpose.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:53pm

  556. 556: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise, 551, i do get that sense, but if you truly honor your own request for a break, and give him space to think about what he’s said and done and put you through, he will be back with a big apology.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:54pm

  557. 557: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((radiant rising)))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:54pm

  558. 558: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Glowstix,

    Love it!!

    I feel embarassed to admit that I balked at “That feels romantic”.

    Oh my gosh, I have been swayed into his super-logical unsentimental communication style.

    Why do I feel embarassed to bring up romance? I feel so silly!! We are going on a date after connecting with each other on a site called OKCupid.

    How can I ask him if he is interested in romance?
    Should I simply assume that’s what he’s looking for?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:56pm

  559. 559: Shar Lean Way BackNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix, Glad to see you posting again. I like how you express, sort of reminds me of Bloom ing..I like to read all of the Sirens :)

    (((( Radiant Rising ))) Very sad your cousin was so young.
    Please think of the kitten dying in a warm caring place and not on the street.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 1:58pm

  560. 560: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I am. I already signed back up on POF and OK Cupid. I’m also planning a 25th anniversary dinner party for this Saturday for my dad and step mom, and my entire family… so busy focusing on that. Friday night my oldest has a dance and friends sleeping over…will be a full week, gymnastics last night and tomorrow night… lots to do and focus on. :) I’m leaning wayyyyyy back. I know how i feel, think he needs some time to think about how he really feels.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:01pm

  561. 561: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Radiant Rising,

    Yes, you go ahead and feel right into that anger. Drop right into it. There are gifts waiting on the other side.
    Sending love to you.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:02pm

  562. 562: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Glowstix for the lovely hug.

    Shar, Thank you I will get there. I am so angry about the kitty, though. She was 7 years old, and the woman that brought her in was having a baby and her husband said to get rid of her. I can’t think of cozy sweet thoughts yet when my blood is boiling. But I promise I will get there. :’(

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:03pm

  563. 563: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    #561 – Thank you, April Rose (((HUGS)))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:04pm

  564. 564: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((april rose)))

    Is romance what you are looking for?

    I say, if a man lets me pick what we do on a date, damn right i’m picking something that feels romantic! I got my own back like that ;-)

    Your walking date felt romantic to me, envisioning it. I liked that about it. It’s also fantastic to express, in some way, if romance feels good to you, and what a great opportunity to express that.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:04pm

  565. 565: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I could really use some positive vibes about a new situation in my life that could go either for or against me. it’s on the fence and would appreciate the positive, easy, effortless vibes.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:05pm

  566. 566: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    April rose

    You can sink right into that vulnerability that comes up with saying “that feels romantic”. Touch on that. Is there some part of you that feels un-safe? Send it love. Tell that part of you that you’ll take care of it. It is always cared for.

    You don’t actually have to say it if it feels wrong. It can be good to sink into and feel that vulnerability.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:08pm

  567. 567: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((starla)))

    Easy, effortless, positive. Comin’ at cha.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:11pm

  568. 568: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((shar)))

    Thank you!

    I am in total romantic love with (((bloom ing))) :-)

    K i’m kidding….

    But I would totally marry her if she would have me ;-)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:12pm

  569. 569: Shar Lean Way BackNo Gravatar says:

    I understand Radiant. I too get very angry for people not taking care of their pets. I own and love my pets. They are forever our responsibility when we get them not until you have a baby, or get bored or have to move..

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:15pm

  570. 570: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix,

    I sank in and touched it. Tears came. I still feel so raw around WM.
    He has shown me flickers of romance today. First time for over a year, I’d say.
    Oh how long I craved it, and now a glimmer. Just when I decide to start dating others.
    Ouch.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:15pm

  571. 571: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank youuuuuuuuu

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:16pm

  572. 572: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    where oh where oh where is bloom ing? i want to hear updates.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:17pm

  573. 573: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,
    I feel happy to sent you some waves of positive ease.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:17pm

  574. 574: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    #569 – Thank you for saying that, Shar. It feels calming that others understand what we at the shelter feel everyday. It ticks me off!

    It is not our pets who are lucky to have us but the other way around. What *they* give *us* is just amazing, but because they can’t speak so we become oblivious to their real gifts. They stay with us through thick and thin.

    I have a good mind to find those owners and just…give them a tongue lashing but I won’t. I’m shaking I feel so upset.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:21pm

  575. 575: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    more (((hugs))) april rose!

    You deserve all of your hearts desires and a relationship that floods you with them overwhelmingly. You deserve all the fun and sometimes crazy and strange dating experiences that will take you there. No matter where it’s coming from.

    I’m sending love to the glimmer of romance, even if it’s just a glimmer (because I know you deserve it) and love to the spaces in between (because those spaces will exist no matter what) and love to all your feelings (because they are all important).

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:25pm

  576. 576: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling a little more peaceful. Now I can truly cry and heal softly.

    Thanks again for saying you understand, Shar. That was very healing.

    Thanks all who said sweet words and gave me hugs. Feels very helpful.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:28pm

  577. 577: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((radiant rising)))

    ick ick ick. (((all the animals big and small)))

    I suddenly want to cuddle my doggy but he lives with my mom and dad because he became “theirs” when I moved out. I was responsible enough to not take him with me when I wasn’t ready for that level of taking care of someone. Even though I could do it now, I am responsible enough not to take him away from his home at his elderly (yet spunky) age of 15.

    (((doggy)))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:31pm

  578. 578: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Aww *HUGS* to your doggie too, Glowstix. :’)

    I love older animals (I love the babies too). It’s mostly older pets that get dropped off at the shelter.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:37pm

  579. 579: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i choose to stop being afraid and angry about a specific situation i am dealing with right now in my life, and to instead embrace feeling optimistic and positive. the outcome hasn’t happened yet and it’s too soon to invest in negativity.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:41pm

  580. 580: Memulo says:

    Turquoise thank you for the kind words. The truth is that I wouldn’t be happy with anyone now. This guy gives me security and I am giving it a chance. My whole life I chose to be alone over security but this time I am tired. I want to do what feels comfortable to me.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:45pm

  581. 581: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    at least you’re cd’ing, memulo:) right?

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:55pm

  582. 582: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Something just crazy happened…I went to go pray and after I was done I had this vision (I never get visions) and saw my father hovering over my cousin (she was his niece) holding my orange tabby and she said, “We’ve got kitty.”

    I…hope I’m not going crazy, but that is making my tear up…In a good way of course…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:56pm

  583. 583: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Security Memulo? How? You seem to be unhappy with the amount of money he spends on you. You seem to have been complaining about him depending on your finances for the apartment. You sound like you feel robotic rather than cherished. Sorry if I sound critical but I feel really surprised to see you say you feel secure and am wondering what you need to feel secure.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 2:57pm

  584. 584: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise he sounded matter of fact and logical. You lead him to where you wanted the relationship to be. Taking a break and he agreed. He is being a typical logical man. Maybe if he was a woman he would beg you not to break up with him. He is a man and do need time to process things. The space you have chosen to give the relationship time to breathe and shift can be useful, if you really give it space. He will have time to think, look at things again and if he really gets that you love him he will feel your frustration and want to fix things. No woman who feels loved and cherished wants to leave a good relationship. I believe he understands that.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 3:08pm

  585. 585: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling serene and peaceful, still sad and that is okay. I love my sadness. I feel hungry. Will get something to eat then join my family to mourn and heal. Wanna hug my mum, kiss my kitty, then call my aunt in India and tell her I love her.

    Later, my guy will be coming to pick me up to take a stroll in the rain. Then I can cry all I need to with him. That will feel so so lovely.

    Have a good day, sirens. Thank you so much and love to you.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 3:13pm

  586. 586: Memulo says:

    FW he is always there and he always says that he has feelings for me. I can count on him not to disappear and to work on the relationship. I thinks it’s a lot.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 3:53pm

  587. 587: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @523: Femininewoman says:
    “I read an email from Arielle that suggested Debbie had passed but I was not sure. Do you know when this happened Radiant Rising?”

    I haven’t been online much; so sad to log on and find this bad news:

    “Debbie Ford dies after cancer; ‘Dark Side of the Light Chasers’ author was 57″
    http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/entertainment&id=8998390

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 3:54pm

  588. 588: Memulo says:

    Starla my CDing is suddenly pretty tough;) never had so little luck in it.

    Although today got an email from a new friend who’s party I attended 2 weeks ago that a man from the party asked her for my number. I saw this girl for the first time and have no udea who the man is but said ok.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 3:58pm

  589. 589: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-roach/orgasm-ted-talk_b_2689995.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl9%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D272138

    Let’s Talk About the Orgasm

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:01pm

  590. 590: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I felt so much ‘at peace’ this morning.
    Then I had a nasty work email.
    I saw something triggering on fb.
    I met a friend of my exbf at the shop (awkward moment).
    A guy who was going to offer me a side job, offered me to be friends with benefits instead.
    So as the day progressed, I started feeling angrier and angrier and in the end just sad.
    Even more jaded than I have been.
    I don’t know. I feel curious as to why I seem to be unable to move forward.
    I seem to want to question why MrP send me little messages but makes no effort to re-connect properly. I seem to want to know ‘why’.
    I seem to want to know why a guy asks me for adult fun, when we talked about work before.
    I want to know why love is so hard, and why it seems so hopeless all of a sudden.

    And yet I feel grateful for having Curly, when it seems my friends and CD’s have fallen away, he will without fail contact me in the morning, during the day, and at night. Just to check in and see how I am.
    This makes me feel good, not like an afterthought.

    I want to feel peaceful again.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:06pm

  591. 591: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I thought of you earlier.
    I wanted to say that Curly is not generous either.
    He tries to get away with as little as possible, partly because of his financial situation, but he is also stingy anyway.
    I don’t like it either, believe me. There are a lot of things that bug me.
    But I do pick my battles, because in other ways he makes up for the stuff that I don’t like, by being always available, in contact, caring etc. He would always work on the relationship and not give up.

    Like I said, he is a great CD but not my forever man. I enjoy moments. Maybe it is an interesting concept to enjoy the moments without sabotaging them.
    Whenever he does something I don’t like, I first breathe and then decide if it is worth bringing it up. Sometimes I do, most times I let it go and say to myself ‘he is not your forever man, just focus on enjoyment rather than picking things apart’.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:10pm

  592. 592: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Checking in real quick,

    Femininewoman I am so sorry I didn’t answer your question about Debbie Ford…I don’t know exactly what kind but she had cancer. :( I read it was a long battle but I had no clue till yesterday after she passed.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:12pm

  593. 593: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry you’re having “one of those days,” Tam.

    Are you gonna just block MrP? I so would. :D

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:15pm

  594. 594: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I don’t know.
    I feel so torn about this.
    He is feebly trying to do what I said I felt displeased with basically. He stopped the sexy texts completely and is now trying his version on meaningful communication…newspaper clips about things that relate to me..where I used to live or whatever. It’s ‘his way’ of trying to please me….and I know that. But it feels so feeble and such teeny tiny crumbs.
    He makes no effort to re-connect / meeting or whatever. And I don’t blame him because I told him to bugger off in November.
    But I know he would if he really wanted to.
    So it is so half-hearted and it makes me feel angry.
    Like, if that is what he is doing to stay in my life, why bother? I want to know why he even bothers.
    And that is silly.
    Because it is about how I feel not why/what he does.
    If I block him, he will email me. If that doesn’t get a response, he will call me. If that doesn’t get a response, he’ll get a friend to call me.
    When he gets the ‘must contact Tam’ hair up his arse, nothing stops him anyway.
    Ugh.
    Whatever, really.
    I will just carry on regardless and let him send his interpretation of meaningful communication….and just keep going out with other guys.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:25pm

  595. 595: TamNo Gravatar says:

    You know, I feel tired of it all.
    Hence I just hang out with Curly who isn’t scared of all that emotional stuff and showing me love.
    I feel starved and like I have been given all thes crumbs that now I am so hungry that I take what is being offered to me. For as long as it feels good.
    That’s it. I am not thinking too much about the future anymore.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:29pm

  596. 596: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    That thing, about the quote…It’s eating me alive! My bf asked if there’s something he should know because I appear totally distracted! hahaha I’m like I am distracted! X-D

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:38pm

  597. 597: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t let it go. Wow. So silly. I saw it. My brain tells me I saw it. Craziness.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:40pm

  598. 598: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    aw, glow stix! haha. we could split up screening every golden girls episode until we find it (or don’t… dun dun dun).

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:45pm

  599. 599: TamNo Gravatar says:

    defending me? what am I, a damsel in distress?
    I think people here speak how they feel and not to defend others?

    If someone speaks their mind and it resonates with something I said I don’t see that as defense.
    I feel patronised by that Mercedes comment.
    Glad I didn’t see it.
    Whatever.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:47pm

  600. 600: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh.

    I must just let it go. Just let it go go go go.

    It’s so not important to the world. There are far more important things.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:48pm

  601. 601: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    time to go home:)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:49pm

  602. 602: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Starla

    lol thanks! ;-)

    Gotta let it go though….

    omg. I’m not even kidding my brain is latched on.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:52pm

  603. 603: Memulo says:

    Thank you Tam, I know what you’re saying. My cd is stingy too. Not only with respect to me. But he is the only one who wants to commit to me. That is if this other potential job doesn’t offer more money;)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:54pm

  604. 604: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Other stuff to think about…More blog appropriate…

    A man is angry in my presence spinning angry music into the air and it’s alright. I feel that energy. My distracted brain is what it is and it will be what it is until it is no longer. All I can do is refocus and sink into my body and have a sensual evening with good food and wine and hockey. Feeling tense in my shoulders and breathing and relaxing each muscle individually and with love…

    (((to all)))

    xxx

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 4:58pm

  605. 605: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @237: k2012

    :D

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:07pm

  606. 606: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens
    I am feeling optimistic and also inspired but also scared of falling for exoticCD….. I’ve only met him once haha…
    But he calls me every day… Or texts..which is nice…we have a date Friday :-)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:29pm

  607. 607: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I want to cd others as well… Just haven’t had time to meet anyone else yet from the dating site and seems mr. exotic want to book up my time :-) )
    I will keep seeing other men though to keep my vibe up and options open!!!!!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:30pm

  608. 608: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I need to plan my outfit for out date :-)
    And in case I have other dates too
    Wow Emerson is dating haha

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:32pm

  609. 609: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, your happy vibe is shining through the blog. It cheers me up after a rough day.
    You go girl :)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:37pm

  610. 610: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Glowstix,

    I sent the answer you wrote, with a couple of tiny tweaks. I left in the romantic part.
    I feel smiley for sending it.
    Thanks so much for your help.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:39pm

  611. 611: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Radiant Rising @535 His name is Carson.

    He is my companion thru thick and thin. He has brought so much into my life. I tell him everyday that he is the “best dog ever”

    I dont understand the extreme attraction to FavoriteCD though. In ways it is good, because if this man is in my life long term he fits with Carson and I. It has been a blessing to see FavoriteCD step up with Carson and not treat him as my dog and responsibility when we are together. He gets up lets him out, fills his water bowl, takes him out to do his business etc. That feels really really good. I told FavoriteCD that “I come with a dog” LOL

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:49pm

  612. 612: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tam!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:52pm

  613. 613: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling a little looked over and passed over….#538 was a huge moment for me. I didnt freak out – I did Rori Raye and it worked……no one commented….but for me it was HUGE!!!!! :)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 5:56pm

  614. 614: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel the pressure of worry about losing my independence….but the good thing is I’m recognizing it…
    I can “choose relationship” and still be “me”…
    I feel open to get to know exoticCD and also make an effort to meet others …it’s good for me it’s forcing me to get myself in order having a couple of “date outfits” ready and I need to get a mani/pedi which I’ve been neglecting!!

    I got a random message from a friend about a job…it’s a bit of a “step down” from my current position but the hours are more reliable and the environment is good….I could still keep one of my current part time jobs…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:02pm

  615. 615: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Elsie I am going to read your comment now!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:03pm

  616. 616: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    538…Elsie

    I have been reading the posts this evening and getting caught up. I actually just finished reading your post.

    It feels so good to see that you found the courage to speak up and be authentic. It takes great courage to do something for the first time. How wonderful that he responded as he did. Great encouragment and a step in the right direction even if he did not respond as he did. \

    I have found that staying tuned into my feelings at all times… has really improved the balance and quality of my life.

    Good for you!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:17pm

  617. 617: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    538 wow Elsie you are the bomb too! It takes courage to handle the situation the way you did. Yay! I feel inspired to continue using Roris tools :-)
    Thank you for sharing Elsie !!!!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:27pm

  618. 618: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    617 Linda I wrote my response before seeing hours and we both mentioned courage ;-) love it

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:28pm

  619. 619: Memulo says:

    Emerson pick the best outfit you have for the occasion;) Do not hold back. Put on something that you love the most. I prefer dresses or skirts but depends on what you feel comfortable with.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:30pm

  620. 620: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Yours not hours )I’m typing on my phone

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:30pm

  621. 621: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    620 yes memulo I was thinking of a skirt or dress!!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:34pm

  622. 622: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie I used Roris tools on my date the othernihht and I was so thankful to have them in my head… I was reminding myself to lean back physically and inlet him order for me etc… I used to be more impatient and kinda “take over ” …. It felt good not to do that.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:36pm

  623. 623: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone tried honey on their face to clear up blemishes? My skin has been especially oily lately, and I read this could help…. So I’ve been sitting here with a honey mask for about 30 min. :) it feels nice and tight!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:39pm

  624. 624: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Also at the end of the night I waited for him to lean in and hug me goodnight … I felt akward for a moment before that and the old me would have reached for him to hug him good night and be on my way (running from akward feeling) but this time I just allowed myself to feel akward and he reached to hug me after all :-)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:40pm

  625. 625: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    624 sounds nice I have heard something about honey being healing….

    I feel so happy to be dating again and now with Roris tools I feel so much less insecure… I have a blueprint! I have a plan but not an agenda…I still feel a bit insecure like am I going to do the tools right?? But I know it’s ok the sirens (you!) are always with me!

    I want to kiss exoticCD and make out!
    And kiss other men too :-)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:45pm

  626. 626: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, it seems my post didn’t go through earlier. I’m very happy SH. Isn’t begging me to stay together. I used to be so afraid of time and space, that someone wouldn’t miss me, or meet someone else. It made me feel afraid of losing the person. I don’t feel that way now. I want it to be right, not forced or pressured. Maybe in time, this will work out, maybe not… But staying together and clashing or feeling sad, definitely isn’t right. Time and space, give us both a chance to have what we want.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:46pm

  627. 627: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I leaned back physically and used feeling messages… Just those two things if I can remember those it makes a huge impact…also waterwheel and heart as a pool of gold…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:47pm

  628. 628: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m all that, my eyes are magnets, I am the air you breathe, sink into feelings, hand on heart, feeling messages, lean back, wait, don’t over function

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 6:50pm

  629. 629: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, you sound amazing! So happy for you :)

    Mel had a great idea. She had first, second, third date outfits. That way she knew what to wear and didn’t wear the same thing twice with cding. :)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:00pm

  630. 630: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Oh thanks! I love Mel’s idea thanks for sharing that’s so smart!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:14pm

  631. 631: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i want to heal the world

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:15pm

  632. 632: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm…I just made one long post to Linda on how she can do a defense bubble on her Carson and color therapy and a link that explains all the colors and its therapeutic effects and it is not showing up. I tried to re post it said duplicate post detected you already said that…well then show it!

    If it doesn’t show up by tomorrow I can re write. Until then, good night all.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:22pm

  633. 633: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    633 radiant if u used the word for a purplish color known as pl*m it may have gone into moderation

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:35pm

  634. 634: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emerson, I didn’t use it though. Funny it doesn’t even *say* my comment is awaiting moderation. But it acknowledged I posted. I know…it could be because I posted a link. But there is no way to spell out all the explanations of the colors. This way everyone has a guide. Oh well. I won’t fret about it and just trust that whatever is meant to be will be. If it doesn’t show up, I can always re write.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 7:56pm

  635. 635: Memulo says:

    Sometimes I have a scary thought that dumbcd was my last chance. I am still soooo mad at myself for not being smart enough to keep it going!!!!!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:00pm

  636. 636: Memulo says:

    Turquoise, I have the opposite experience;) I always set him ‘free’ never questioned how he spends his time or his whereabouts and see, it didn’t work for me. I do it with every guy. I always feel that asking inquisitive questions is beneath me. But maybe this is what you need to do to succeed.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:08pm

  637. 637: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Radiant if you attach more than one link it may not post I think…

    Now I’m curious about your info :-)

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:31pm

  638. 638: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Annie 459-”What is the feeling that comes up for you re seeing him now he is married?
    You have already answered what you don’t want which is to be involved with a married man. He is unavailable for a relationship with you and not what you want.

    For me the feeling would be uncomfortable or not good to be meeting and liaising with a married man.
    So my speech would be ” I don’t feel comfortable or good about seeing or communicating one to one with an ex who is now married, so it would feel better to me to not have this kind of communication and contact now you are married.
    That is how I would feel and what I would want. And then I would delete contact details etc. Unless I felt comfortable having a friendship with both of them as a couple, which would be highly unlikely for that to be workable for all involved although that does work for some if that is what all the parties involved want.” Annie, I am no longer interested in him and I certainly won’t be meeting him anywhere. I might have to give him similar speech. My heart closed to him almost 13 years ago and I never looked back. He is totally out of the loop and I will tell him that again.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 8:42pm

  639. 639: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Liz – about your question in #223, regarding financial advice/coaching – I know I’m not Rori, but I like Sage Levine’s approach. She usually offers a cool (and useful!) money-related recording when you sign up for her mailing list. Her website is http://sagelavine.com/ if you want to check her out.

    You sound great. Welcome to the blog!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:17pm

  640. 640: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Memulo – I don’t know whole story, but I can tell you for sure that dumbcd was NOT your last chance! :-) And if it doesn’t/didn’t work out, then he definitely isn’t!

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:19pm

  641. 641: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I just got back from a conversation with (k). He didn’t even specifically request this. I did – in delayed response to his offer to “talk it out.”

    But, as I told him this evening, his request was a little confusing. On the one hand, it sounded like the kind of great thing I would want to hear from a partner who cared about me and was concerned about my well-being. But on the other hand, he was telling me tonight the same thing he told me before: that he did not believe we could or would ever have a relationship. I had been having a different opinion. And now I’m inclined to agree with him. But that’s only because I’m angry. I feel that he made a selfish choice by offering me “FWB” and then pushing our make-out session further than I felt comfortable with. And now he wants to “make it right.” But not as a partner – as a friend.

    However, “friends” is not an option for me. It’s gone beyond that, and I can’t re-cross that line and go back to where we were.

    So, when we were sitting outside, and I was about to explain exactly where I stood on this, he interrupted me and let me know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t going to attempt anything physical with me again, and that we weren’t going to have a relationship.

    Rather than launch into my whole description after that, I just got up and left. As far as I was concerned, I had heard everything that I needed to hear, and it wasn’t worth it at that point for me to ‘explain’ myself. He said, “What?” And I just kept walking and didn’t look back.

    He can figure it out on his own or not.

    For me, the only way he could make it right at this point would be to BE a good partner to me. But he’s clearly not in that mode. Even though he’s over 10 years older than me, and he keeps saying that what he really wants is a relationship that involves marriage and kids. But I don’t really see him making any effort in that direction. He says that’s what he wants, and yet he’s willing to settle for FWB (with me, or I guess someone else) in the mean time. Well, I’m not….

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:36pm

  642. 642: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Meanwhile, the guy who lives downstairs from where i’m house-sitting is HOT. He has cool-looking tattoos, and drives a crotch-rocket ; )

    I asked the time from the cute guy who sat next to me on the train, and gave him a nice smile and a thank you.

    I got myself dinner, and came home and poured myself a glass of wine.

    I;m not judging myself, and I’m no longer concerned with what happened between me and (k). It had it’s purpose. And even though I might have started to have some feelings for him, that doesn’t mean that he is or was ever going to be the right partner for me. The right partner would make me feel comfortable, and would be attuned to my physical signals as to know when to go further, and when not to. he wouldn’t just try desperately to salvage a situation when it’s already a pile of rubble, and everything he wanted to preserve was destroyed. He’s clueless, but I can’t help that. I’m over it. And as far as I’m concerned, he was never really my friend to begin with. So I haven’t really lost a thing.

    Now the only thing that’s left is to get rid of him on Facebook..that will feel even clearer for me.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:43pm

  643. 643: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo,

    yeah i used to do that also but i stopped cause i realized i makes me look like a silent doormat or not interested when i was trying not look “insecure” or like i’m keeping “tabs” on him, when i fact what i was doing was putting myself in a position where i have no idea what he’s up to while they fell comfortable to ask all types of questions ” what did you do today ? with who ?…whose that… a friend of yours ” so why should be i afraid to ask questions also if i’m genuinely curious ? another thing when they answer vaguely or change the subject when i ask questions, i just wait till they ask me a question and i do the same, they ALWAYS pick up on that “why won’t u tell me who u went to lunch with?” that’s the occasion for me to set things straight : it’s a 2 way street, when somebody who is not death by the way is very careful not to answer a simple and direct questions i really don’t see why on earth i should be sharing details and the what haves about what i’m doing in my life…k. I don’t accuse them or use the words “u” and it surprised me Memulo when i realized that they LOVE it when i show them that not i’m trying to be “nice” or a “cool girl” or trying not to “scare” them and give it to them straight with a calm but firm voice, they actually have commented on how different i was to other woman they had been involved with, always acting like everything is “ok” and that they like that !

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 9:55pm

  644. 644: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    ok, done.

    But…dangit.

    OF COURSE, a friend of mine posted one of those feel-good pictures with a cute kid and animal, and this lovely check list.

    “If you find someone who:

    - makes you smile (check)
    - checks up on you often to see if you’re okay (well, he checked up on me. I don’t know if I could say “often”)
    - who watches out for you and wants the very best for you (yeah, he was doing that)
    …

    Keep them close and don’t take them for granted. People like that are hard to find.”

    Dangit dangit dangitdangitdangit

    The only reason I feel so angry is that he was one of the good ones. He was showing himself to be a good guy (according to that list, as well as my own checklist – a good enough guy for me to be with – potentially. And now I feel like that potential has been totally shot. Now I can no longer not only “keep him close” – I can’t relate to him at all. When I tried to just sit down and have a conversation with him, my body was all tense and tight, and I just wanted to run away. And eventually I did walk away (not run). And now I’ve gone and taken him off my facebook.

    Maybe I should be “trying harder” to stay present, and let it be okay. But I also have to be true to myself, and be authentic. And this feels like my reaction. Right or wrong, I’m not judging. I communicated what I had to say, and I’m done. And if it’s meant to be done between us, then it’s right.

    When the right guy – or the right time – for me comes along, then I’ll be ready, and I’ll be able to be with him. Maybe this was just a necessary step on that path, and that just means I’m that much closer to what’s really in store for me.

    I feel relaxed and good about that.

    xox, T

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:03pm

  645. 645: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tight in my chest reading insulting words in Sirens’ comments… there is something to heal for me… What would feel healing to me here..? hmm.. lovescripting those posts for myself.. like ‘I feel angry and in pain… I can feel it in my body here and there too… I love my sensations… and I love you for being a part of my life and my healing journey… it feels triggering and signals me of having the spots that hurt.. awww I love you, my dear hurting spots.. I am sending you a huge Valentine with all my warmth and love .. and a huge Valentine to the hurting points of that person too… ‘ .. EFT for kids would feel very calming and healing to my inner child…
    What else… getting down on the floor to feel pain and frustration and out-of-controllness and sadness would feel healing too… A good cry would feel very healing… Self hugs would feel healing… drinking water would feel nourishing and healing… Under the sea tool would feel healing… I like feeling like a mermaid… Sigh I feel safe now, thank you.

    I get it now! My belief that ‘if only people could see what kind of persons other people really are, there won’t be any wars, ever..’ , this belief feels endangered. awww I love you, a wonderful belief of mine… I feel like I’ve got a treasure having you..omg this is you, belief, who is responsible for my feeling good enough!! hehe I feel so happy to have you!!! I love you, I want you to grow within me and feel safe !! I feel festive! I feel so happy to uncover you and get to know you closer… I am sending you a huge Valentine!!! and I know, that my wonderful belief is feeling good being with me to… :-) I feel so happy to be a safe place for it. I want this belief to be and feel cherished. thank you, belief, for helping me to feel warm and open throughout my experiences…

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:18pm

  646. 646: ViNo Gravatar says:

    aww letting the guys know via sms that I am in a committed relationship already feels like I am launching a bomb. I feel guilty. I feel tight in my shoulders and teeth clenched. I feel afraid to upset them. I love my uptightness, I love my fear, I love my guilt. I don’t want to be abandoned.. i don’t want them to feel abandoned… hehe… I love my fear of being abandon-ness .. no one is being abandoned.. this is me, being honest and voting for clarity and feeling peaceful. I love me.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:25pm

  647. 647: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    ((Tereana))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 10:27pm

  648. 648: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I choose to trust them they can handle it and I choose to trust me I can handle it. Feels like being honored.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:12pm

  649. 649: ViNo Gravatar says:

    (((Radiant Rising)))

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:13pm

  650. 650: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo again lol,

    I don’t exactly remember but i think i read something about u saying that u were too “nice” or something…yeah…rings a bell ! i’ve been there and learned that being “nice” is great but it gets you no where with men, because they view “nice” girls has nice but BORING and they loose interest and yeah they disappear “she’s nice and all but i don’t know something’s missing” and what is missing is U, being nice is not asking questions, not putting him in his place when u should and even he knows u should, say nothing when he’s 30 mins late and doesn’t apologize cause u feel soooo relieved that he actually came so u don’t want to look like ur not happy that he’s not valuing ur time cause that would look like ur a drama queen right ? so u decide to be “nice”, instead of saying “sorry i can only meet u next week, going to have a lot on my plate for the next couple of days” and give him even MORE space than he actually wants and show him that ur not on his schedule u accept to meet him as soon has he ask you out when he fells like it after he disappeared for 2 weeks…being nice is not attractive because it doesn’t feel REAL, there’s no sparks, no mystery, no challenge, no substance, no surprises and it’s predictable, there is no U,the answers or reactions are always the same “sure,ok, i’m ok, no problem” everything is ok and ur always ok, everything is smooth, easy, boring, there’s no haha moment when u say or do something that makes him realized that he should set up his game if he wants to enjoy ur company and body or even have you to talk to him on the phone for more than10 mins, that makes him see that u r different from all the “nice” woman he dated, and lowered to a “friend with benefits” level, that makes him surprised and quickly makes him stop acting aloof because you won’t stick around when he does no u’ll actually will be less available cause while texting u suddenly say ” listen let’s talk later ok i don’t have the time to wait for a response takes 10 mins to come, i’ve to got errands to go run, have a great day :) ”, that makes him laugh cause u said something crude and unexpected and doesn’t care if he gets mad. When ur being “nice” u r hiding who u are and it doesn’t allowing him to CONNECT to u, ur tiptoeing around him,watching what u say or do cause u don’t want to scare or loose him or are afraid that he won’t love u for being u so are “nice” euuurday, u are “nice” and understanding cause he’s stressed at work and just wants to hang out with with his friends to relax so he only can see u once a week, u are “nice” when he texts u “sup, sorry i didn’t call u this weekend been busy with this project i’m working on…wanna go for a drink?” and after the drink surprise surprise u found urself exactly where he wanted to lead u when he invited u to have a drink…in his bed, all happy and giggly that he finally texted and give u the honor to asked you “out”, he shows his face again when it’s convenient for him and invited u “out” and finally really missed u and wants to see u right now after he’s been doing god knows what this weekend so ur gonna be “nice” cause refusing would look like ur playing hard to get like you are not interested and playing games instead of showing him that you have to be out of your mind to even think that a guy that u don’t hear from a whole weekend, have no idea what he was doing, how he was “hanging” out with instead of u who is ur man… that was the story of my life…fun times.

    Tuesday, 19 February 2013 @ 11:47pm

  651. 651: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks everyone for responding to me – I totally appreciate it :) It feels good to share that Roris stuff works!

    ((Tereana)) That must have been painful to have him interrupt you and say that he doesnt want a relationship with you – You were brave to walk away!

    Elsei

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 1:02am

  652. 652: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    297: Tam.

    I can see and understand why people treat their animals like humans or accessories but it does no good and just causes confusion for the animal.

    Feel reminiscent, watched a program where a couple had a dog, let it on furniture, sleep in bed etc.
    It then thought the owner was it’s mate and wouldn’t allow the real partner of the couple/mate sleep in the bed, got really aggressive and territorial about it.
    And even worse started dressing it up.

    In the end the dog was the one in charge so they called in dog behavioral expert.
    All she did was get them to start treating the dog as what it was a dog and low and behold all the problems went away.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 1:59am

  653. 653: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mmmm im feeling sleepy… n feeling pleased… and still so curious about the many things im reading about

    like the Zeolite-Humic Acid supplement im going to get…

    yay!

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 2:09am

  654. 654: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    hhhhhmmm Pe

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 2:50am

  655. 655: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hugs to u Tereana. Some of these men love to put u in the friend zone when u have been dating them for sometime u see. After some of them chase u and u get involved and think they serious with u, start calling u a “friend” with their “bright self.” As far as I am concerned, I don’t sleep with friends. I call these men users. I am not going to make long time ex stress me. U girls see why I don’t take his calls. That’s the reason why I stopped calling him yearsd ago too cause if I gave him a ‘one’ call just to say hi, he wopuld use the opportunity to make attempts to get me back so I stopped calling him totally 13 years ago and he called me 7 years after I severed total contact from him. If he calls, I won’t answer. Thank God for caller I. D. He will get the message soon enough. Eventually, while I refuse to take his calls, I will have to give him the speech Annie mentioned above. In the meantime, overseas cd has disappeared. Not surprised. Cause a man who claims he wants a relationship with u and is interested in u (so he says) but doesn’t call COULD NEVER be INTERESTED in you. I look at actions, not words.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 3:16am

  656. 656: TamNo Gravatar says:

    653 Annie, I feel in agreement with that. Actually, humanising animals does nobody any favours, not them and not us.
    I noticed that when we took the doggie, he was super calm, happy when we went into a little place to eat. Then Curly started feeding him from the table (which I don’t like but said nothing, it’s not my dog). From that point onwards, the dog became a tyrand, and was seeming stressed, trying to get more food and bothering other people.
    He tried to stick his nose into other people’s food…the tables were low, like coffee tables and everybody started grabbing their plates…
    I thought it was disgusting…thing is, before he started the nonsense, the doggie was totally fine.
    It’s the owners that are usually the problem…haha.
    The dogs only do as they are told/trained.
    They are such great pets…

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:04am

  657. 657: TamNo Gravatar says:

    tyrant even

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:04am

  658. 658: TamNo Gravatar says:

    It’s a new day, hopefully a better one than yesterday…I have been working to get back to the peaceful feeling.
    Be happy for the little things.
    Don’t think too much into the future.
    Be grateful for what I have, even if it is a hot lovely cup of coffee.
    Slowly, slowly…

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:11am

  659. 659: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thankful to the Universe for a sunny and very warm day and for the first flowers. It feels so good to breathe. I love freshness of the air.
    I feel thankful to myself for finding a perfect frame for a picture I was given. I feel glad it is safe under the glass, I feel peaceful now.
    I feel thankful to MH for his calls and compliments and cuddling. I feel soft and girly and playful and it feels very good.
    I feel thankful to myself for taking care of me and doing toolsand staying warm while he is being upsat because work. I feel sad for him and peaceful at the same time. I feel warm! And I feel proud of myself for that too. And practicing

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:13am

  660. 660: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Level 2 listening feels challenging but fun, like learning a new language. And relaxing and departing lips feels cute.
    I feel thankful to all the people who smiled or smiled backatme today or not smiled. I feel blessed to have them in my life.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:17am

  661. 661: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy to have a phone to write from while my laptop is being repaired. I feel embarrassed of typos and also glad I can still keep my practice going. So thank you, phone and a huge Valentine to me )

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:26am

  662. 662: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Re 656: disappearing ex called me “one of his girlfriends” when he was speaking to one of his guy friends on the phone. He didn’t know I heard him. He was visiting me. I was in the kitchen fixing dinner for me, that is before he disappeared. I heard him saying that he is at “one of his girlfriends’s house. Now when he uses the term “one of his girlfriends” because I know that he always had female friends from way back when we were close friends and colleagues, I took that term to mean that he was referring to me as one of his female friends. I was shocked. I was a female friend to him a long time ago but certainly not now. I was a girlfriend (so I thought). Didn’t know what was in store for me a few days later with his disappearance. When I realized he was a player, the “one of his girlfriends term meant just that. I realized that he obviously uses that term for women who he is involved with but it is a friends with benefit relationship. What a user! All these men who I mentioned are not definitely not right for me so they might as well “weed themselves out.” Learnt this term from u guys on here. Don’t have any time to waste with the wrong guy. Linda, I have using the prayer u gave me. I have not yet copied and paste it to my inbox. So some of what u said in the prayer, I don’t remember but I remember some things. I will have to search for it on here and make sure it is in my inbox.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:37am

  663. 663: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Vi reading your posts feels so calming to me. I feel grateful for you and your commitment to look for and write about things you feel grateful in your life. I just felt like acknowledging the effort you make each day to put something positive on the blog. I honor your Goddess Siren.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 4:43am

  664. 664: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    What feels rather tiresome and draining to me is when other people dismiss another persons real feelings and real life experiences because they have not personally experienced the same. Or have experienced the same or similar but felt differently about it And end up invalidating it.
    If I go deeper on this, underneath the tiresome and draining, it feels extremely harmful. Harming the individuals core of their existence and what has been their real life experience unique to them.

    Personal history doesn’t make other people’s experiences non-veridical or their statements untrue.

    Sadly have no control over any over if others chose to do this consciously or unconsciously
    Am only able to control if I want to engage or be around anyone who is doing this.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 5:09am

  665. 665: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Pe, great posts! Not quite my story, but a similar spirit. I did resist more than you’re describing, but not enough. Btw perhaps everyone on this blog should agree that when a guy is sleeping with you and skips a weekend from seeing you with no explanation it’s BAD. Because when it happened to me and I was hurt but furious the advice here was ‘he doesn’t have to’, he is on a different relationship timeline, don’t push him. Now my strong belief is that he DOES have to. He really DOES or there should be consequences.
    What was tough for me is that I didn’t believe this was happening. He kept on saying – we are nice people, we act reasonably and with care for others feelings – so anyway, got fooled on top of other stuff plus his situation was horrible and I just tried to make it easy for him. Love and peace.. wish someone would give it to me now! lol

    This takes such a toll on me, noticed this morning at the gym that I am weaker, physically weaker. Grrrr

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 5:21am

  666. 666: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – 624 – Honey is healing and moisturizing as well as hydrating, offering up lovely nutrients to the skin, but for blemishes, yogurt is better, full fat plain yogurt. Use daily as a masque until your skin clears. It gently exfoliates due to the lactic acid, it soothes, heals, and clears up troubled skin. It’s also great on a sunburn.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 5:34am

  667. 667: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh. I don’t even know of these comments ‘defending me’ or whatever else.
    As this is not a kindergarten, and I have better things to do, I shall not read back either, wherever they are.
    Peace.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 5:50am

  668. 668: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    If I go deeper still, underneath the feeling of harm.
    It feels like death and destruction of the psyche and psychological murder of the soul.

    Gosh. It feels scary going that deep…

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 6:21am

  669. 669: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel piney and somewhat annoyed right now.
    I thought I was past the piney feeling.
    I guess it got triggered by Curly this morning, who keeps making what I consider to be silly business decisions, even after he spoke to me and asked me ‘what did I think’ and I helped him with something. He made the same mistake that ended with him being in major trouble last time. Not at all prudent.
    I let it go. I just said he knows best how to run his business.
    I feel bad for feeling superior. I feel bad for knowing (urgh) that I am intellectually ‘above’ him. He has many other amazing qualities, practical ones, that I do not possess.
    Yet it left me pining this morning…for a man who is not only on my intellectual level, but in many ways way above it – and I miss those stimulating conversations.
    In other ways, yes, he was inept. Social/human relationships, emotional stuff. But I did enjoy a sparring partner. Whatever.
    No more pining.
    I want to stop this…

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 7:40am

  670. 670: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    ((Tam))

    Hi sirens
    I feel akward and insecure a about how I interact with CDs sometimes. ExoticCD texted me last night but I didn’t reply till this morning and I have this fear that he will be “mad” at me…although I’m not obligated to do anything …. I put pressure on myself sometimes and I worry that they will think I’m not interested because I did not reply “right away”….

    I exchanged phone numbers with another super hot educated guy from the dating site… We will talk later today and I feel excited. It will take the attention and pressure off my feelings with exoticCD …. My goal is to truly cd and see what happens.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 8:47am

  671. 671: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Today is a new day and I intend to feel thankful and change my eating habits and take care of me.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 8:49am

  672. 672: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to sink into my akward feelings about responding to exoticCD and just roll with it …

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 8:57am

  673. 673: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson your comments suggest to me that you put these guys on a pedestal. One higher than your own. How about not focussing on insecurity and whatever other negative trait you might consider yourself to be. Instead create an I AM statement that embraces your uniqueness and let it play in your head like a scratched record.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 9:00am

  674. 674: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW! I am what though? I don’t know what to say to myself lol

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 9:10am

  675. 675: PeNo Gravatar says:

    yes i agree, a man doesn’t have to see u everyday of course like everyone he has a life, friends, hobbies, and does need some space from time to time etc and u have ur a life as well but i think that a man who wants to be with u will manage his schedule especially on weekends when you both are not working so that he can spend some quality with you or do something fun together and the days you don’t see each other you still talk to each other, call, text, skype whatever. When a man disappears completely and reappears like nothing happened it’s never a good sign, that’s a man who feels like he “has” you so he can do whatever he wants and he knows that you won’t say or do anything cause u are afraid to loose him and to “push” him even further, u don’t have to say anything actually but u have to show him that this doesn’t fly with you, when he comes back give him even more space and be even less available, show him that u will not be available to a man who plays the disappearing act otherwise it will do downhill from there pretty quickly.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 9:16am

  676. 676: Memulo says:

    I know this now Pe;)

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 9:52am

  677. 677: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “Because when it happened to me and I was hurt but furious the advice here was ‘he doesn’t have to’, he is on a different relationship timeline, don’t push him. Now my strong belief is that he DOES have to. He really DOES or there should be consequences.”

    Memulo, the “consequence” is that he doesn’t get you all to himself. That there is no exclusivity unless you’re both on the same page.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:04am

  678. 678: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    if you can’t do the CD thing, if you can’t bring yourself to do it… then i strongly believe you should tell the man you’re sleeping with that you’re not okay with skipping weekends with each other and see if he will ‘fix’ it. You should tell him what you need, and if it pushes him away, let him go.

    If you’re not going to CD, the next best thing is letting men go when they’re not giving you what you need. For the sake of your own self esteem and sanity, you can’t be *both* exclusive AND quiet about getting your needs met.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:09am

  679. 679: PeNo Gravatar says:

    yes, u immediately “lower” him to a level where he’s just you guy you know, a guy that is not ur man.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:14am

  680. 680: Memulo says:

    Starla, yes, now I could write a book about it;)

    And I need more of the ‘pedestal’ reminders. FW’s post to Emerson is very helpful.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:14am

  681. 681: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie,

    Thank you so much for your words about my post. I feel thrilled that it touched you like that :)

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:16am

  682. 682: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    @PE
    I agree with ur last post 100% good advice right there…… can never let a man play the disappearing thing and when he returns be okk with it……

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:18am

  683. 683: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone watch the Dr.phil show
    Omg just watched it and there was a women on this show that has a internet relationship with a man for couple years….she has never even met him in person and she hass already given this invisable internet boyfriend 187thousand dollars…. Wow I dnt know wether to feel bad for her ……..Omg wanna jump through the Tv and shake the shit outta her. This boggles my mind how so women just want to be and feel Loved so bad that We get are selves into crazy situations…. I feel so bad the guy told he come on the show to meet her!! He didn’t show Up why the hell would he show up on the show if he would never meet U before…………. u have to be very careful if internet Dating there are plenty of women and men who Prey on the weak vunerlable ppl…….. Omg so sad

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:37am

  684. 684: PeNo Gravatar says:

    sha-sha,

    for me giving a man some space is stepping back a bit if he has issues he’s dealing with, when he concentrating on a project he’s working on, when he’s not in the mood because he had a rough day at work, when he wants to hang out with his friends, when ur not in his face all the time and allow him to miss u and come to u etc
    Acting like nothing never happened when he disappeared completely and then reappeared when he fells like it is not giving a man “space”. What he’s doing is changing the dynamic of the relationship on his terms, setting the tone of the relationship where he can come and go as he please. To avoid being put in a position where you loose all your power and ur just waiting for when he comes back and feel on edge, when he pops back up be polite and friendly but not available just like he’s just some guy you “know” , you see him when YOU want too and go about your life. The only way that he can have you all to himself like in the beginning is becoming the guy he was in the beginning again and that’s it.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:51am

  685. 685: Memulo says:

    Yeah but I don’t have this problem anymore.

    I wonder if I ever do run into him what my attitude should be. Friendly is not what cones to mind;)

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 10:57am

  686. 686: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, this might sound crazy, but I think you should just call smart/dumbcd. say you wanted to just ‘not care’ that he fell off the face of the planet, but you want to know wtf happened and you’d appreciate it if he would help you put it to rest already.

    and when he explains himself, let him know you feel angry that after months and months together, he just disappeared like that.

    at least QZ had the decency to break up with me first.

    stand up for yourself. it might make you feel better. and if it all blows up and makes you feel worse, well, then you have somewhere to go from there (up). This limbo seems to be driving you crazy. And it’s got you headed down a path with a man that you DON’T EVEN REALLY LIKE.

    Radical action is in order one way or another.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:04am

  687. 687: Memulo says:

    Starla it’s been almost 5 months. I feel humiliated about calling now.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:14am

  688. 688: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo would calling him be a difference in your pattern with him?

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:16am

  689. 689: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, i’m almost positive that these men are too busy dealing with their own humiliation of not being able to face life like men, that our own humiliation doesn’t even register to them. i bet he thinks you’d just be fuming mad at him like an angry hornet. so he stays away like a wandering little boy who knows he’s gonna be in trouble when he gets home…

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:24am

  690. 690: Memulo says:

    Yes FW it would have been a difference, I used to be passive.

    Saying would have been if it happened earlier than after 5 months??

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:30am

  691. 691: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – I agree with Starla’s 689 as it is something I have experienced over and over again. He might just jump out of his skin if you reach out to him. I would say just be aware that he might not take the call. I would also prefer that you are sure about what your intention would be in approaching him. I wouldn’tr want it to be about getting him back.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:38am

  692. 692: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    and don’t be shy of your intentions. all this time i tried to leave casual, sweet, non threatening messages for QZ… i never said “PLEASE CALL ME BACK. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU, IT’S IMPORTANT.”

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:42am

  693. 693: sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Pe
    I understand and competely agree with wht ur saying… right now I’m having a little hiccup in my relationship we have been going good had no real mager issues. But as of right now I feel the distance between us. He doesn’t disappear. But his mood has changed becuz of this eye issue he is having. Its gotta be very scarey for him. We talked about it last night and I told him my feelings….he reassured me and promised the distance was cuz of his problem with his eyes………. this is new to me and I’m totally worried about him and his health seeing as he is only 32… I feel like he is totally shuting down I. Been giving him is space . Idk shit really sucks hopefully he can pull out of this

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 12:00pm

  694. 694: Radiant RisingNo Gravatar says:

    And…my post is still not here. Okay will have to make another couple posts later. Won’t be able through my phone. Will be back soon.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 1:38pm

  695. 695: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I am totally angry now.
    My friend who since she got married can only go out at 3 or 4pm, when most people are still working, because her husband gets back at 6pm and he can’t fix himself anything to eat….so anyhow.
    Again today she contacts me last minute ‘we can go for an early drink’.
    Well, funnily enough I have a life. So I said, ok, but I can only do after 6pm, if it’s ok with you.
    So she comes back with a whole rant how she knows I start early and finish early and bla bla bla.
    Oh yes. And I need to jump when she called, that is true.
    Well, guess what? I told her that indeed, I do have things to do, and that I don’t understand why nowadays we can only go out at 3pm, not after work like most people do.
    I said I didn’t feel like rushing around and letting my work emails go unchecked.
    I also said that I understand that married life and all that is a priority for her but that I will not be sitting at home waiting for her to cancel again 5 minutes before we are supposed to go out just because her husband got home early.

    I am annoyed. When she was ‘dating’, she was always asking me to go out with here…always. She was often feeling lonely, upset…I was always there, even when sometimes I did not feel like it.
    Now she ignores me for weeks at a time, unless it suits her (i e her husband is away or she needs to vent…preferably before 6).
    If I am not a friend then I don’t need to be a venting receptacle or a gap filler.
    it’s a bit like setting boundaries with men. Since I set my boundaries, she dropped off.
    You know what? A friend who isn’t there for me when I am feeling low or lonely…and only when it suits her..that’s no friend for me.
    Now that doesn’t suit me.
    I am going out alone then.
    I feel angry and at the same time actually don’t care all that much…
    ugh.
    I am sticking to my boundaries now.
    Good for me.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 2:03pm

  696. 696: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I was a total people pleaser. Always.
    And now I am losing people, because I am now honouring my own needs alongside the needs of others. In some ways that is sad because I don’t have many friends.
    At the same time, it is cleansing..because I am not a puppet on a string, I am an adult just like those who try to push me into stuff. I am not being pushed. meet me on a level and we will get on.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 2:09pm

  697. 697: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh. She send me a really nasty email.
    I expected that.
    But I don’t like it.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 2:45pm

  698. 698: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Starla…I feel like you’re emasculating QZ. It comes across like your the boss/director of the relationship…
    Can’t you just receive his love….can’t you just trust it’s not a hoax?
    Seems like your fear of abandonment is acting up…
    Thank you for the lesson.
    I’m going to try to practice receiving love all day

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 3:18pm

  699. 699: k2012No Gravatar says:

    February 20, 2013 at 5:30pm Los Angeles, CA time (6:30pm MT, 7:30pm CT, 8:30pm ET).

    “Click here for your time zone, or to add to your calendar.

    Your call-in number is (712) 432-0075, and the access code is 118114#.

    You can also call in via Skype by adding freeconferencing.7124320075 to your contact list. At the time of the call, simply make a Skype call to that contact, and enter the access code via your Skype keypad when prompted.” I got this from Jonathan Aslay. The topic is “Dating a player, how to spot them, how to avoid them.” Trust me I need to know. In fact, we all need to know.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 5:31pm

  700. 700: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “If a man doesn’t call, if he doesn’t step up, if he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do (and this man told Diana he KNEW what to do for a woman, so there was no denying he understood what he was supposed to do) then raise YOUR degree of difficulty, raise YOUR status in YOUR OWN eyes, and downgrade HIM. (Omg, high five for this).

    When you Circular Date, you INSTANTLY raise your degree of difficulty. When you refuse to be “exclusive” or be a girlfriend to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you fully, you are raising your degree of difficulty. Let me show you how to Circular Date, step by step, here:

    Targeting Mr. Right. We are women. We are amazing creatures – and almost all men feel that way.

    WE are the highest degree of difficulty triple-flip off the diving platform.

    WE are the prize, the light at the end of a man’s dark tunnel. (Pram Pram, indeed, indeed)

    WE are what he wants. (That’s right)

    And if he doesn’t CONTINUE – after the 3 months have passed – to look at you as the prize, the light and the gold medal, then he doesn’t deserve your thoughts, your feelings, your energy – or your loyalty.” (Hallejuah, Omg, I am cracking up, I just love this. Honestly, this is one of my favourite newsletters ladies, trust me. I am serious. It makes me feel POWERFUL. Trust me. Its that simple. We are not going to tolerate bad treatment from men. The first three months don’t count-saw this in another part of the letter. This is what Steve Harvey will call a 90 day probationery period and he says during this time, u are not to give away the “cookie.” Haaaaaaaaa!!!!! U know what that is right? Woi! I am weak (manner of speaking). But guess what now, listen to this, some men want the cookie on the first date. Lol. Bright dem bright! (My dialect). Omg. My belly. Can u imagine? Ur first day on the “job” and want the cookie on the first date? Lol and u don’t even know if u are gonna be “confirmed” or “appointed” in the position and u want the benefits on the first day? Wow. I am cracking up. No sah. I am never tired of reading this particular newsletter. No serious, it deep. In fact, I delete these newsletters, my inbox is filled with them. It makes me feel powerful. Indeed.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 7:02pm

  701. 701: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Correction: I don’t delete these newsletters. I have a question. When u “downgrade” a man, quoting from the newsletter in my post above, exactly what do u do? Anyone know? I would appreciate a response. Thanks. Dominique and Lori, (335 and 334) I saw your response. Thanks.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 7:36pm

  702. 702: k2012No Gravatar says:

    695_ i agree with u Tam.

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 9:11pm

  703. 703: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Ok ladies I have corresponded with a new cd on the phone …I will call him jayzCD and he is so mellow and patient and not pushy… I like him so far… We have yet to set a date (my fault I have a crazy work sched where I work nights sometimes)

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:47pm

  704. 704: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I met this guy online and I feel better already about my anxieties around exoticCD …. Pressure is off cuz there’s another guy ….I talked to exoticCD today too and my goal is to be 100% authentic…. I don’t want to put on a show and I want to be me becuz Emerson is pretty damn cool !!!!

    Wednesday, 20 February 2013 @ 11:49pm

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