If Your Husband Is Overseas In The Armed Forces, You Can Keep His Interest

What To Do If He’s Stationed Overseas in the Armed Forces – And He Isn’t Interested In Your Life At Home…

Andrea made such a powerful, frustrating comment on this blog, I wanted to do a whole post – perhaps a whole series of posts – on her situation.

Andrea’s at home, 6 months pregnant, while her husband is stationed overseas. She’s feeling emotional, needy, and missing him terribly.

She calls him several times a day and wants to talk – to share her pregnancy with him.

And he’s pulling away.

He doesn’t want her to call so much. He’s losing interest. She feels him disengaging and doesn’t know what to do.

Andrea feels “He’s pushing me away…” (You can read Andrea’s whole comment by clicking here):

Here’s my answer:

Andrea, he is not pushing you away – YOU are pushing HIM away.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what’s happening.

Part of this is just about who he is. Some men might call you over and over, all day long, and want to hear everything about your pregnancy, but perhaps (and I’m going to research this) that really isn’t the typical profile for a soldier.

Your husband is telling you that this is how he feels: He’s overseas, in the middle of a volatile, dangerous situation, surrounded by other men. He does NOT want to be picking up his phone all the time to talk to his wife. It’s embarrassing to him, he doesn’t like it.

I don’t know where your husband is stationed, if he’s in a truly dangerous situation or not, or even if he’s under tremendous stress – though I would guess he would be. Perhaps it’s his situation that’s making it difficult for him to be there for you, and perhaps it’s just who he is, and your only option is to do what YOU can to make things better, instead of accidentally making them worse.

And right now, your anger, upset, and need of him – no matter how RIGHT you are to feel that way and to want his support – is making everything worse. It’s simply not getting you what you want.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re doing.

I watched a “Supernanny” episode a few weeks ago where the husband was also overseas in the Armed Forces. The wife was beside herself, nearly unable to cope with their three children on her own. She was coming apart at the seams.

Supernanny did several things. First, she got the wife emotionally together. She got her focused on her children and focused on helping herself feel powerful. She got her to believe in herself as a good mother, and quickly – she started to feel and act like an emotionally capable person.

She did this by changing the way she talked to her children, how she related to them. She also put a family blog up for them, so that they could talk through the blog to her husband (this would be a good way for you to post pictures, and he might like it much more than phone calls, because he can visit when HE wants). She also set up a webcam situation, so they could see each other when they talked – and the call would come through from HIM.

With these things in place, he felt more excited about getting and keeping in touch – he liked emailing, he liked reading the blog entries and commenting, and making his own posts. He liked that it didn’t take him away from his duties or his off-duty activities with the other guys. He liked that his buddies could participate by seeing the blog, by being in the webcam pictures – it was just way more fun for him.

The whole trick here is to give him space, and empower YOURSELF. And I know you’d think he has plenty of space, being so far away. But the truth is – you married a man in the Armed Forces. You knew what you were getting into. I know it’s hard, very, very hard, and yet you can’t marry a man with a dangerous career that requires travel and then want to take it back. You can’t turn a man who is NOT a homebody into a homebody, a regular guy who goes to the office and comes home. That is not who he is.

You CAN, however, make him WANT to talk to you more.

The way to do that is to not NEED to talk to him. You have to get so busy and happy that HE feels the need to talk to you because if he doesn’t – he’s missing out on something GREAT. Right now, he’s running from talking with you because of the need, desperation, and loneliness you’re laying on him.

I know this is harsh. I’m asking YOU to change, and not him. This is the only way to get what you want. Please talk to the other women around you in your same situation, get help and support, learn how they’re dealing with this painful separation and also with worrying about their husbands’ safety, and help each other get through this.

I wish Andrea so much luck, and if you’re in the same situation, it would be great to have you comment so we could create a community around this difficult and painful separation you’re enduring. I’m going to do some research so that I can be a resource for all of you whose husbands are serving our country.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Monday, 22 September 2008 @ 3:18pm

1: L.L.Sweat says:

Rori, Thanks for this, it helped me so much with my man that is disengaging.
A blessing, once again.

Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 12:51pm

2: Madeline says:

I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationship was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in my hands. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.

Thursday, 19 February 2009 @ 3:09pm

3: MP says:

Yeah, cuz it’s all about HIM right? This is total BS!

Monday, 23 February 2009 @ 1:13pm

4: Missing him says:

Dear M.,

I am going thru something similar to you except for my boyfriend doesn’t talk about chatting with girlsd online. He says he works like 12 hours a day and just doesn’t have time to call like he use to. He has only been gone for 6 months and things were great the first three months now he says his job is stressful and that being a recruiter is very time consuming. I try to understand this but I feel like he just isn’t that interested anymore and that maybe he is interested in someone else. My neediness has pushed him away to the point where h now says he isn’t sure if we can last thru his time away but he says that he loves me and that I am amazing and awesome and that he will never finsd someone like me again, he says maybe it is the right person wrong time. Now he questions if we are doing the right thing in continuing a long distance relationship and that maybe he cannot give me what I need want and deserve. I believe him when he says these things but it still isn’t getting better. He calls me every morning just not at night anymore and does not send emails. My boyfriend is 32 ansd I am in my 40’s I say you hang in there you have waited this long and we have to remember that we really don’t kow what they are going thru. My boyfriend is stationed in Japan but it is still stressful and he is still in away from home just remember when he comes home that he will have to stop the internet girlfriends and that may be harder to do than even he may realize. Good Luck! And if anyone has words of wisdom for me I would appreciate it. God Bless!

Tuesday, 7 April 2009 @ 8:19pm

5: Rori Raye says:

Dear Missing Him – Welcome, and I know you will find help here. Here is my take on your situation – and I don’t believe you’re going to like it, so don’t read further unless you’re ready to hear.

First, I’ve been to Japan with the USO, so I know what the soldiers there are living like, and I’m here to tell you it’s not the same thing as women whose men are in Iraq or Afghanistan or a war zone. It’s actually really, really NICE. It’s a beautiful country, and the bases are not all that isolated. I have no idea what a “recruiter” is doing there, but this sounds to me like a “regular” long-distance situation where he has a job with long hours.

And regular long-distance situations are BAD NEWS for you.

I’m going to ask you to do this – to Circular Date. To stop thinking of him as your exclusive boyfriend, and to think of him as a friend. Get your energy off of him and onto your own life.

Even if you can do this just a BIT – your vibe will shift, and your man overseas will no longer feel you as “needy” and “clingy.” In fact, he’ll be more worried about what YOU’RE doing. The thing is for you to become absolutely UNCONCERNED about whatever he’s doing. Love yourself first, then let that love overflow onto him, and open your heart to every man out there. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 8 April 2009 @ 10:10am

6: Madeline says:

Dear missing him,

I am sorry I was just wondering if you were referring to me in your message. If you were I have to say, my boyfriend is not overseas, he is rather working in a normal job. I know this isnt the place for me to leave my message in but I did because I want to get as much help as I can since I feel like the relationship is stressing me out tremendously.

Thank you!!!

Thursday, 9 April 2009 @ 2:22pm

7: Madeline says:

If by any means you can offer any advice please do so.

again thank you.

Thursday, 9 April 2009 @ 2:23pm

8: Missing Him says:

Dear Rori,

I am going to take your advice and back off I know in my heart that I can’t keep pushing him not for his sake but for mine I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I did go out over the weekend with a male friend of mine but by the end of the evening I found myself focused on my boyfriend and just wanted to go home. I think I was in the wrong mind frame I was trying not to care about my relationship instead of thinking of me and my happiness. I will keep you posted on how things are going and I will be checking back to see if there are anymore words of wisdom for me. Thank you!

Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 1:55am

9: Missing him says:

Dear Rori and Readers,

Just thought I would let you know the latest from my boyfriend in Okinawa. Yesterday he told me he is 50/50 with our relationship right now because he doesn’t know if he can provide me with the things I need in a relationship. He mentioned that this was one of the reasons his marriage ended. Now he isn’t sure if he can do relationships he is a solitary creature by nature as he puts it and says he now doubts himself and feels he cannot provide what it takes . And he goes on to say he loves me and I am amazing and awesome . Ok is this the ole goodbye it’s not you it’s me? I feel like I am ignoring every sign int eh book and refusing to let go what do your readers think?

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 4:49am

10: jackie says:

Rori and Andrea.

I am 8 mos pregnant and my husband is in Iraq. I was looking for similar stories online because of some insecurities i’m dealing with personally right now and i came across this blog. I am an emotional wreck some days and get very angry at my husband for not understanding. We have a very open relationship as far as conversation is concerned and I find it very easy to tell him how i feel on a regular basis.
I have to admit that after reading this blog i felt better. My husband doesn’t have the luxury of a phone that i can call. I have one option to communicate. I am able to I M and I M only. I keep my phone on me to alert me when i have a new I M from him and it’s always on his terms! If he doesn’t feel like getting online he doesn’t and some days this is terribly worrisome. But what i have learned in the six months he’s been gone is this. He loves me, He doesn’t have to know how to show it from 6 thousand miles away! I just have to know it! I get cranky when i skip a meal or miss a nap. Scale that to 3 full hours of sleep 2 meals a day if he’s lucky and no one around but men (most of the time) He has every right to be a lil’ distant now and then and if he doesn’t want to talk because he’d rather be sleeping or eating or just spending a lil’ time with the guys that his life depends on right now who am I to complain.
Ladies, these are the men we dream about our entire lives. Men that would put their own lives on the line to protect ours. Men that would fight the world in hopes of a better future for their children. Men that just downright care about humanity. Who are we but the women they marry! We chose this life just as much as they did and we signed our names on the line to say that we would stand by these men. Far be it for me *or any other Army/Navy/Marine/Airforce wife) to complain about not being first on the list of things to fix! They trust that we will be here tomorrow because we swore to it! remember those little things called vows? Well, ladies of military members while he is overseas they still exist and our husbands trust that we will stand by them while they do the hard work!

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 5:07pm

11: Rori Raye says:

Jackie, Welcome, and thank you for your service as well as your husband’s. You are truly part of a team with him in this, and it cannot be easy. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and at 8 mos, you see to have an amazing sense of stability. Try looking through here to help you communicate with him more simply and yet in a deeply emotional way. It requires discovering your own feelings and digging deep into them, writing them down, trying to find the good ones, the happy ones, and sharing those first, if you can. From where he is, he can’t hold you or make you feel better, but if you express yourself in Feeling Messages, you will feel a response from him that will feel more Connected for you, and that will feel better. Love, Rori

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 10:04am

12: Nikole says:

I would like to add that as a Navy girlfriend the hardest part of the overseas is their inability to be as emotionally involved as they are when they are present…fear anxiety sets in…my man never says he loves me since he has been in Afghanistan…but I am hoping his words and actions speak louder…

Sunday, 29 November 2009 @ 12:11pm

13: Rori Raye says:

Dear Nikole, my thoughts and love are with you and your man in the service of our country…you are part of that package, and I know that I could not endure what you are now enduring. I would not want to be a “girlfriend” in this situation – no matter how much I loved someone. Can you see him via webcam? That would be helpful. Also – Afghanistan is pretty primitive. If he can get online easily – try putting up a blog where you can share pictures and he can write back more easily – it’s more personal than Facebook…I hope you’re keeping busy with friends, and please keep in touch with us if it seems you need to change yours status from exclusive girlfriend to “dating” him. Love, Rori

Monday, 30 November 2009 @ 9:49pm

14: Rori-fan says:

Hello Ladies, I need your help. I am from Germany, so sorry for grammatical mistakes. I read about staying out of the LDR trap, but well, I am in LDR now. He works in Afghanistan (not as soldier) and I live in Germany. We are together since over a year some breakups in between (we met on the internet, he found and contacted me). Now, he told me from the start to be patient with him, because he has been through a lot in his childhood and that made him be not so emotional and run cold sometimes. We had our issues, that he would forget contacting or calling me. Ok, meanwhile he does more contacting. But I tried not to email him first and so on, to lean back, but he would tell me, why he always have to initiate contact and that I am getting spoiled because I expect him to do all the contacting first. What do I answer him? Do I tell him, that I am supposed to lean back and only give when I receive from him? Hope you can give me some advice. Thanks!

Monday, 1 February 2010 @ 11:19am

15: Rori Raye says:

Hi, Rori-fan, and – I have to ask you – what are you doing in an LDR for over a year? What is the plan to get together? How much do you see him? If he’s not a soldier, how often can you see each other in person? I hope you are Circular Dating. And the answer to his question is that you love him, you’d like to be married to him, and since the ball is in his corner, it feels bad to be chasing after him…Love, Rori

Monday, 1 February 2010 @ 4:35pm

16: Rori-fan says:

Thanks for your answer, Rori. We’ve seen each other 4 times so far. We have no definitive plans when we will be together and he has to stay overseas at least one more year, but I already made clear to him, that I wanna get married and if this is not what he can imagine for himself, it is clear where it’s going to lead us one day. I indeed have been open to other guys the last time and will start dating them from today on. It really is and feels kinda weird and unfamiliar, but also good, and you don’t feel so desperate for your man when he doesn’t contact you as much as you would expect, because you really think of the options you have. Thanks for your good advice, Rori! I love it!

Monday, 1 February 2010 @ 9:10pm

17: Briana says:

Dear Rori,
Basically to make a long story short I have been seeing this man for 2 and a half years, we live 4 hours away from ea other and we usually see ea other on weekends. He is separated, he and his wife live in 2 separate houses. He doesn’t talk about her as much as he did initially, actually not at all so I knew he was getting over her.He has been going thru a divorce the whole time we have been together and will be divorced on the 10th of this month. His wife knows all about me and has her own separate life. Some people he knows tell him not to be with me and he usually doesnt listen. When he is with me he is very happy but he is very honest and open, usually and very attractive. Now some friends of his, after the friend’s wife tried sleepng with him and I confronted her, went over to his house and told him that he should take some time for his divorce.

So he told me not to call him and that he needs time. Every single time he gets close to me he pulls away. I am good to him, I do everything for this man. More than his wife ever did. His friends see this and are obviously jealous. I just don’t know what to do. I did this with my son’s father and he is such a better man and I want this to work. Why does he keep pulling away? This is the man I’ve longed for and is perfect for me. He also doesnt want to get married again and he doesnt want anymore children and I want one more. He’s told me twice that if I make him fall deeply in lover he will have another child with me. He had 2 with his wife and I have one with my ex. The problem is everytime he begins getting close to me, something scares him off. This is controlling my life. Thank you for your time, please help me.
Briana

Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 2:53pm

18: Rori Raye says:

Briana, Welcome, and you are classically Overfunctioning. Your treating him so wonderfully and doing everything for him – and the way his friends have influence over him sounds a bit cultural – is this true – like a community? – is only pushing him away. He gets close, and then you’re all over him, and he runs. On the other hand, what I hear is a weak man who will never be what you want him to be. Back off, date other men, and see what happens. Being exclusive with this man is a very bad thing for you – please don’t. Love, Rori

Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:52pm

19: Amy says:

WOW- this story hit home. I am a military Wife and my husband is currently Deployed. He has been gone 3 months now. The 1st six weeks we stayed in touche w/ him doing all the calling and sending email 1st. Then he was given a cell phone and a Majic jack number and we started calling each other. Then it got to the point where I was calling him more than he was calling me and I was emailing him so much -he compelely stop emailing me back. He stoped calling altogether and now he rarely answers the phone when I call. After reading your blog and this comment I see how I have pushed my husband away. We are taught in Military support groups to call, email. write and etc even if he doesn’t reply. I see why we are pushing our men off. Do you feel it’s to late for me to STOP and lean back?

Tuesday, 9 February 2010 @ 9:16am

20: Rori Raye says:

Amy – First of all – Thank you for your service to all of us. While your husband is holding the gun, you’re holding down the fort…and I con only imagine what it might feel like. Second – it’s NOT too late. It hardly ever IS too late. Can you start something new, like a family blog, where you talk about what you’re doing, and your family, and your friends – and make it FUN?!! With pictures and articles, and silly stuff? Then get a webcam (perhaps you have one, I’m sure he has access to one there…) – put up videos on the blog – wear low cut clothes in different colors than he’s used to seeing you in, with your hair different ways – wear MAKEUP – just shake things up…and then, in an email (wait a day or two) just say how you miss him, and take a look at this…and give him the link to the blog. If you have children – they’ll love this. Focus on getting a fabulous life – take art classes, study things, create an online business…be breathlessly, pasionately involved in your own life…you can do this! Please keep in touch with me…if I can help women in your situation without going against what the support groups say – just making it all work better, I’d love to be of service to you. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 9 February 2010 @ 9:59pm

21: Amy says:

Rori- thank you so much. I will follow your advice. I called me this morning and boy I was mad as i could be- he reached out to me and I failed to be loving in kind I was in the ” WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO CALL ME-FOOL” Mode and he completely shut back down. He told me he had to go and would call me back. I could tell he was hurt. Why amd I’m this way. I see what I’m doing wrong but have such a hard time to stop.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 6:08am

22: Briana says:

Dear Rori,
In response to your reply to me, I needto know what you mean by your response here. It says to date other men and see what happens. Also alot of his friends do like me and he usually doesnt listen to them. I just have no idea what they told him. These 2 particular people are having problems in their relationship so it’s like mysery loves company. He really is an awesome man and I think he’s just all confused. He is everything I want and need in a man and is truly faithful and will not cheat. When you say date other men do you mean see how he reacts to it? The thing is, I don’t want to date other men and there are hardly any in this small town I’m in who aren’t related to me, with someone already, or just plain has the womanizer reputation and I don’t want to get caught up in that. I want him and you say you have the tools to help me get him no matter how the relationship is going now so please help me. what do i do? what cd do i
need to order of yours or what. He will be divorced in 2 days and I’ve been waiting almost 2 years for this. It’s not easy to just let go.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 10:19am

23: Briana says:

Thank you for your help Rori and to Amy I get that way sometimes as well. It’s hard to not show your emotions when you are hurting and you care for this person. That’s a trait I must work on as well to not push someone away. Men drive me crazy!!!! lol

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 10:20am

24: Rori-fan says:

Dear Briana, what I think Rori means with date other men and see what happenes can be that if you tend to overfunction in a relationship and can hardly stop doing it (like me), dating other men will help you not to focus too much on that one man you love and will automatically help you stop doing too much like doing everything for him, beeing all over him, emailing and calling first, etc. I tried dating other men since a week now and it is weird, because you actually think of your man you have and love, but it helped me not worry too much about my relationship and about him and start focussing more on me, and I feel how things changed a bit for good and that he started reaching more out to me. However, I wish things will go good for you.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 11:06am

25: Amy says:

Sometimes I feel all this stuff of trying to do this & trying to do that for men is for the birds- We are the one who have babies and produces-have to have cramps, periods, strecthmarks and etc ; you would think men would worship us for that alone. Rori has indeed invented the answer but who would have known you have to be the opposite of what women are known to be to keep your man. This is rather hard!!! Are there any men out there who loves his wife for what she is nad how she is no matter what.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 11:33am

26: Georgia says:

What is it with men? Why is it that when they are in a committed relationship over time they are not faithful. I met this man who admitted he is in a committed relationship of 10 years and has 4 kids. Yet he is looking for “sex” on the side. Could he be truly happy in his relationship and this sex is just keep him satisfied so he doesn’t have to leave his “stable” and fulfilling relationship with his partner? They travel to exotic places frequently for holidays together. He does put her first before time spent with me. Or what is it with ME to even think I want this??????

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 11:42am

27: Rori Raye says:

Olga, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain. You are totally doing everything right – focusing on yourself, turning away from him. Please, unless you have children or need to discuss financial issues – stay away from him and from talking with him. Please find a goodGeorgia

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 2:36pm

28: Rori Raye says:

Georgia, Most men ARE faithful. Women are as unfaithful as men, statistically really close enough that it’s useless to try to figure it out. Most relationships and marriages are not close and intimate – and cheating is the first place that shows up, sometimes. And – yes, the ONLY question here is – what are you doing there? Love, Rori

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 2:38pm

29: Amy says:

I think I am going through the channels of all this. My earlier post had some of the anger to come out that Rori warns us about! Lol! I caught myself now I can stop!!! Men can really feel what you feel when you are letting go or leaning back and that enegry exchange things really work. During the time I was so angry and writing that post above. My hubby called three times. He did not leave a message and I did not call back… because I was leaning too far back to reach the phone LOL!!!!

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 4:24pm

30: Briana says:

Thanks ROri fan for your advice and it has really helped me think about things. It’s so hard bc i do care about him but I understand going through divorce can be hard. Yes, I will def try not to focus on him as much. We are supposed to hang out this weekend as “friends” w/o anything extra, but I don’t know. We will see. Anyhow, after I hang out with him if I decide to, I’m sure I’ll be on here needing more advice lol. I havent seen him since he asked for space on the phone last week so we will see how it goes. It’s so hard not to call when I’m used to him doing all the calling and texting first and now it’s like I want to call him since I’m so used to hearing from him. But I’ve been doing better on not calling him and he’s been texting asking how my day is and he called last night. UGH MEN!!!

Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 4:50am

31: Rori-fan says:

Dear Brianna, I feel you. It is hard for me too not to do contacting and not to reach out and when he don’t contact me, it is hard not to chase him by asking him why he didn’t call or email. This week my man and me have been talking very little and I didn’t even feel him reaching out for me, but I told myself not to contact him first and not to chase him, because I knew it was his turn to come back to me, and knowing about my other options (dating other men, seeing how they appreciate me) in case he wouldn’t, helped me with this, and today unexpected I found a nice email from my man, I responded and he called me after that and we had a nice talking on the phone. So I really feel, everytime I take Rori’s advice to heart, no matter how it turns out, it’s for good.

Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 11:39pm

32: Briana says:

Thanks Rori fan again. I’m so glad he emailed you and yall had a long talk. It’s so hard when you truly care for someone and you can tell they are slipping away. It hurts and it is constantly on my mind and every song and everything and happy couples remind me of him. Well mine is supposed to come visit me this weekend even though he wants space so we will see how that goes. It’s just been extremely hard because I put my all into it and I feel like I’m just setting myself up to get hurt in the future. I’ve backed off alot. I’m hoping maybe in person we can come to some terms or I can have some closure. I wish i just knew other guys I could date. I gotta get out more lol

Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:13am

33: Rori-fan says:

Going out more is indeed a good thing to do. That’s what I started to do again since a few weeks. And… flirting in public. LOL What I also did, I changed from car to taking the bus and train to get to work and other places – I did this for other reasons, but I realized that this way I have even more chances to meet men and flirt and get in contact. LOL Also a good opportunity: to start classes for something you like to do, dance, cooking course or whatever and maybe this way have the chance to meet new people. This way you are also focussed on yourself, meet more other people and raise your chances for dates. I am addicted to Rori’s advices. LOL

Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:25am

34: Rori Raye says:

Wow – Rori-fan, what great ideas! Love, Rori

Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 11:54am

35: caligirl says:

hi rori,

I read your advice and all the comments about what to do if your military man pulls away, and i am so glad that i did.

I started dating my marine in the middle of nov. we met in DC, but he was stationed in north carolina and i permanently live in LA. we talked all the time until he flew me out to stay with him at his sister’s in virginia after christmas for a few days. he confused me because he shows how much he likes me by calling and texting all the time but then he always says things like “if i didnt have to go to afghanistan for 13 months, you would totally be my girlfriend” or “its not fair to make you wait” or “you’re the type of girl that will be engaged by the time i get home. guys like me dont get to end up with girls like you.” i tried not to say too much about staying with him while he was gone because we had barely known each other, but as the weeks led up to his deployment, i started to express that i wanted to be with him while he was gone. his comments stayed the same, but i noticed i started to get wake up texts and calls, calls during the day, frequent conversations on facebook, and a late night call right before he got on his plane to leave which made me happy but left me even more confused. he contacted me the very first day he was able to in afghanistan and has contacted me several times after that even apologizing if he cant talk for long. BUT then in the last 2 weeks, i havent heard from him for days. I sent him a couple emails, he got online but didnt answer, then i said something catty about a girl he gave a hoodie to before he left, and he responded right away. he was very good about talking to me for a couple days after that. now its the same, i saw him online and he didnt say anything (he might have missed seeing me as he was online on for 5 mins) and he hasnt been on since. no emails either. we had talked after the last email i sent him, so i have left it alone and am waiting for him to initiate email contact now. i miss him, its been 4 days.

i know its been hard out there. i want to be there for him for the rest of his time there, he now has 12 months left in afghanistan. how do i get him to want me to be there for him and become his official girlfriend? I told him that i thought he was just saying the whole “if i wasnt leaving you’d be my gf” as an excuse and he denied it. but if thats not what it is, then why cant we make it official?

by the way, before he left, he was very excited to tell me when he gets back he is switching from the marines to the navy seals and starts training in coronado, ca which is only like an hour and a half from where i live (much better than being across the country or the world) is this a tiny hint that he sees a future?

Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 11:25am

36: Rori Raye says:

caligirl – there’s nothing you can do now. He’s gone for a year more. Please, please take care of yourself and Circular Date…when he gets back, you’ll see. Meanwhile, just be a woman he sees, he cares for, who’s there for him…and taking care of herself, too. PLEASE NO GIRLFRIEND!!! Love, Rori

Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 12:13pm

37: caligirl says:

Yeah, I have told myself I need to use this year to get everything together that I need for my future. I wrote a novel and am writing a second so it should be my main priority to find a literary agent and publisher and worry about finishing school and staying physically fit while he is gone instead of just pining away over him when there is literally nothing I can do. I have found myself neglecting my writing and my letters to agents in the past few weeks just to see if he’s online or look up news on the war in afghanistan. I’m also editor of my brother’s magazine and I have noticed that in preparation for our newest issue, i have put my duties on to other people or have procrastinated until the point of having to hurry to get something done and make a huge mess of something simple. I’m literally starting to destroy myself just by thinking about him!! I can throw as many tantrums as I want and the government is not going to bring him back home. I don’t want him to come back home and see that I’ve done nothing since he has been gone because he always was so intrigued by who I was when I met him.

Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 12:28pm

38: Rori-fan says:

Dear Rori and Ladies, I need your help again…now Rori that you asked me what I am doing in a LDR for over a year and where this is going, I have been thinking a lot about this the last days, and since he was the one who brought up marriage and having babies together first, I decided today to tell him about my imagination for the next years and that he knows that I wanna get married one day and have kids, and I asked him about his imagination. As I assumed he answered that he is not ready and that he imagine to get married maybe in the next five years and that he think that marriage is overrated anyway and suggested for us to be friends. To be honest, I was expecting this answer and I replied that I agree and that this is really the best as we both have very different dreams. If I wouldn’t do Circular Dating I would be totally down right now, and though somehow there is a little hope that he might be surprised about my reaction and rethink things and maybe want me back. Is this thinking too naive? Was it wrong in the first place to confront him with my questions about the future? Please give me some advice! Thank you! Love, Rori-fan

Monday, 15 February 2010 @ 7:42am

39: Rori Raye says:

Rori-fan – Brava for asking so you could get clear inside yourself. Now do what he says – consider him a FRIEND and get out there and have a life…please… Love, Rori

Monday, 15 February 2010 @ 8:54am

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