Be Your Heart And Get HIS Heart

   

This fabulous letter is from Pamela Tames, who has a great site http://SeasonedSex.com – and to me – it just speaks so powerfully about how we all go to our “Default” position when we don’t feel comfortable – and how getting aware of what that is for each of us, and using my Tools to experiment with different ways to go “Off Default” – no matter WHAT you think of the results when you first try exploring and experiencing something new – is the way to go here:

I Am My Heart from Pamela Tames:

I spend a lot of time blogging about sexiness. Deep down though I know the more important question is how to do relationships well. Which is why I’m such a Rori Raye devotee. Recently something she wrote in her email newsletter bridged the themes of sexiness and relationships and taught me an important lesson in being myself.

It started with my birthday dinner about a month ago. Half a dozen girlfriends got together at a restaurant including my best friend, Susan. Susan is a professional mom, which means she rarely gets out. This was the first time she was meeting my other friends.

For whatever reason, the group didn’t mesh. I kept thinking our energies would all come together and flow with conversation and laughter but at the last minute, the group kept unraveling. Susan and I left last, walking to our cars arm in arm.

“I’m sorry,”I said, “That didn’t go the way I thought it would. My friends are so different.”

“You didn’t seem yourself,” said Susan. She went on to explain how I seemed to be trying to hard to keep my friends in shock and awe with my sexual adventurer act.

“It’s like you’re afraid to let people see the real you, “Susan summed up. “The real you I know and love.”

I gave her a big hug and thought how lucky I was to have such a loving, honest friend. I’d always struggled with being authentic. I knew she had a point. For whatever reason, I hadn’t been comfortable all night. I had jumped my favorite facade–sexy vixen (albeit now middle-aged).

Flash forward to a Rori Raye’s email newsletter. I’m reading about how to attract men. Towards the end she writes about the heart. I suddenly got it.

It was like the word, “heart,” exploded to life and jumped out of my computer.

The heart is like a magnet with great powers of attraction. My habit of hiding behind masks (or who I thought I should be) was having the effect of blocking my heart’s power. It was as though my heart was hidden behind a lead veil. Nothing got in and nothing got out. As a result, most of my decisions were made in my head, out of fear and insecurity.

Of course, I’ve read all the stuff about the heart and how so many of us live in our heads, our mausoleums of useless ideas. Reading Rori that day, it all just clicked.  I saw how it’s just a choice, as easy as saying I’ll have the bacon and eggs today, not the pancakes. I’ll feel love, not fear.

Cut to the relationship. I’d been in on-again, off- again mode with my boyfriend of over a year. We’d have the same fight, yell the same things, wear each other down, and storm off in our separate directions. All this heart stuff had happened after our last break up, which lasted a month. And then somehow, we got back together.

This time the relationship felt lighter, easier, and freer. I wasn’t torturing him with made up rules in my head and lists of do’s and don’ts. I was just enjoying him, who he was. I was just feeling, not thinking.

I turned to him and massaged his neck as we sat side by side at a Sushi counter.

“You’re like a different person to me,”I said in a whisper. “You’ve transformed into a wonderful man.”

He smiled. “Thank you.”

“Do I seem different to you, too?” I asked curiously.

“Yes,”he said without hesitation. “I feel love. I feel accepted.”

“You didn’t feel that before?”I said.

“No,”he said looking me in the eyes. “I knew it but I didn’t feel it. Feeling it changes everything.”

“I am so glad,”I said beaming. “I feel so happy just being me.”

Thank you, Rori, for showing me the most important relationship is the one with my heart.

***First, Thank You, Pamela, for this gorgeous letter, and for opening up this discussion – I’m going to work a lot with this concept of our DEFAULT POSITION. The emotional and reactive place we go to whenever we feel triggered and uncomfortable.

I know that mine is to first feel sad and a sense of loss and fear and insecurity – then I jump to anger and vengeance and an “I-don’t-care-about-you” independence, then I work my way through to a general feeling of love and okayness for myself and everyone else who was there when I got triggered, or whose consistent behavior is finally triggering me. (My husband, of course, because he’s the one who’s always there…).

So – let’s talk about this.  What is YOUR Default Position? What do you GO TO, a part of your personality that feels “safe” to you – when you’re feeling Triggered and uncomfortable?  – and we’ll work together through all your comments and answers.

Love, Rori , and Thank You again, Pamela

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 12:08pm

26 Comments to “Be Your Heart And Get HIS Heart”

  1. 1: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok i guess i will be the first, so i realized that my default position is feeling attacked or afraid or anxious, getting defensive, shutting down physically, trying to get a tough shell, running it over a million times in my head, brain overflows into a thousand different questions, never being satified with the answer, feeling tired and drained, telling myself I don’t care anymore, then feeling sad and miserable. This plays out in every unpleasant interaction i have with my guy. He’s the only one I can reference right now, cuz he’s the only long term relationship i ever had.

    Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 6:11pm

  2. 2: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Cookie, you said it so well I don’t have to say it. My default position is everything Cookie said, and then I blame the guy and put him down.

    Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 8:03pm

  3. 3: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I get cold and cut off. if I’m really triggered, I’m mean and judgemental. I get competitive and want to “win.” At this point, the relationship will end, because I decide that I do not care to connect with this person ever again, and I want to destroy them as much as I can before i go. Wow! that’s intense. Btw, I’ve never had a real relationship. hmmm…wonder why.

    Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 10:26pm

  4. 4: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I am in a different part of the world now. I came here to visit my family. I have nt heard from my (ex) boyfriend for a while. Atleast, he didnt make the first move. I contacted him once when I was flying and couple weeks back and now.

    This is what my email says: “I feel like writing to you. How are you? I miss talking to you. ”

    Am I doing th right thing? Doesnt he feel like writing to me once. He only responds to what I write.

    Tina

    Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 11:18pm

  5. 5: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I love this analogy – ‘default position’. Mine is feeling scared and insecure. It starts in my body, tightening in my stomach and breath. I feel rigid and my head fills with fear thoughts, and I feel self-conscious and judge myself.

    This feels like the truth for me too – “the relationship felt lighter, easier, and freer. I wasn’t torturing him with made up rules in my head and lists of do’s and don’ts. I was just enjoying him, who he was.”

    Absolutely!!

    I hardly get the panic feeling these days, so maybe I have a new default. Or will have. It feels like I could still get into that place I described above but I feel more attracted to feeling good. I’ve no iinterest in feeling puffed up and powerful around men either. Men are just men, some of them damn sexy rargh! some we can be friends with. Some men trigger me more than others, it’s not their fault.

    Things are going grrrrreat fior me at the moment :)

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 12:42am

  6. 6: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    my dafault position is i feel insecure and helpless..i lways feel like i want to fight back prove my worth then i feel hopeless and i turn away…
    wow that feels relieving……….this is a great topic rori!
    i always feel that whenever i get triggered by this sense of insecurity i want to cover it up i am scared of showing the real me so end up making up stories try smiling to show i am okay…pretending i am doing well but in essence i am dying inside…i just want to be me…sink in my lonely feelings my sad feelings my insecure feelings…its really a relief to realize that other women go through the same thing…would love to have a tool for this rori!

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 3:44am

  7. 7: PRPGNo Gravatar says:

    My default position is basically what you, Rori, described “…to first feel sad and a sense of loss and fear and insecurity – then I jump to anger and vengeance and an “I-don’t-care-about-you” independence” and also the way Cookie described it. I always thought I was a nut or loser, the only woman who just didnt “get” how to be with a guy successfully. Now i know its about what I want/need too! oh and what Pamela said bout the rules and list of do’s and don’ts in her head….exactly.and it does drain you, sometimes ZI just wish I could switch my mind off, because I Know I can think too much, which leads to questions, questions, questions and he just wants to run a mile.

    wow, thanks guys, this is a great forum to discuss when you dont know who to talk to….i feel better already knowing im not alone, and I have the power to make a change. Today. =)

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 3:48am

  8. 8: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Tracy – and it’s the racing thoughts that get to me when I’m feeling really anxious. I find accepting my anxiety and noticing how it feels in my body, and then accepting, loving that I feel that, really helps. It stops all the words whizzing round and round.

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 6:08am

  9. 9: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I think my other default position when I’m triggered by other women in his life is a combination of a few people where I feel insecure, then I start panicking, then I start clamming up again but my feelings show up on my face and in my body language anyway, then i go out into how special I am, and i start measuring him up against all my qualities (judgment), then it feels like i’m competing (which I never realized) in my mind like I can do better than him or he won’t ever find another woman like me or he’s so lucky i even deal with him, then I might say something really mean or just attack him with whatever is going on in my mind about what is doing wrong (he has even said that I’m a bully). I never thought of myself as being a bully because it seems in my life people have taken advantage of me. But I guess like all bullies, i attack because of my own insecurities or pain. Wow, this is really deep. I actually thought I was amazing as is. Something more to accept and love about myself I guess. Lol.

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 7:45am

  10. 10: SamatNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared that I have lost something and I wont be able to do anything in life. I feel I am a disgrace and I will never be able to live up to expectations. I feel really scared.

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 9:42am

  11. 11: PrescillaNo Gravatar says:

    My default position used to be becoming “cold and hard” when I became triggered and uncomfortable. I would shut someone out immediately and treat them in a frosty manner. I think that was my way of protecting myself because I let my walls down to accept that person into my life; now I’m disappointed and hurt. I’ve learned a softer approach. I let things go and may be a little sad, even insecure and afraid that I’ve got to start over and run the risk of being hurt again. I know this has been my way of shielding myself from being hurt, but I have never liked it. I am really glad I’m learning how to feel the pain, absorb it, love it, and let it go.

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 10:29am

  12. 12: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not quite sure what my default position is. It is kind of like Rori’s. I feel sad and scared and then disconnect from the person and then feel a defensive anger and an I don’t care about you independence, I feel frozen in my face and in my entire right shoulder and arm (or sometimes my left). I feel paranoid and attacked.

    Tuesday, 27 January 2009 @ 2:58pm

  13. 13: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I am not totally sure what mine is either. I know that I first get sad and then immediately angry but not usually at the situation…I ALWAYS turn in around onto ME! I get into an awful place where I feel like what you said Samat…..like I am a disgrace and will never haver anything good nor do I deserve it. I also feel at those moments that ‘I don’t care about anything/ you’ about whomever it is that hurt me but then that disipates rather quickly and that is when it is all turned around onto me. I get this ‘I quit mentality’. WOW! That just hit me! If I look back into several of my posts when Charles ahs triggered me that is exaclty where I go and it isproven in some of my darker posts! Lightbulb moment! YAY….I see that now that all of that is nothing but the NV!! It is interesting though that those horrible messages toward myself are so hurtful and hateful really but that THAT seems to be my safe place?! Wow…that can’t be a good thing….I guess I need to find a NEW safe place.
    Love and hugs to all….xoxoxo
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 3 February 2009 @ 5:23pm

  14. 14: ssgrenNo Gravatar says:

    I have felt and done most of the things that so many of you have described above, and realise how counterproductive they have been. My issue now is this:
    having recently and suddenly been told by my fiance “sorry, it just didn’t work out” after more than 9 years together, I feel I could have put just that little bit more effort into my behavior/reactions a la Rori (whose tips I’ve only just discovered). All of these would have meant only small, but cumulatively positive changes, but now I’ve lost the love of my life and feel daunted at the prospect of “moving on”.

    Sunday, 8 March 2009 @ 10:30am

  15. 15: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome ssgren, and don’t let feeling “daunted” get in your way. After 9 years, I don’t want you to let any more time go by. Get out and Circular Date – it will cure you of your old patterns and help you move forward both out in the world and inside yourself much, much more quickly and effortlessly. Use all the Tools here and in my ebook especially (it’s the foundation for everything you see here) – and I know you’ll get tremendous help just from reading and sharing with the wonderful women commenting here.
    (So many “here’s” – must mean let’s all tune into being present…) Love, Rori

    Sunday, 8 March 2009 @ 12:35pm

  16. 16: NaomiNo Gravatar says:

    Default position……that’s an interesting phrase and quite suitable! As soon as I’m triggered, I instantly turn off my cell phones and tell myself “I don’t care…if this is what you want then do you.’ BUT The truth is, I really don’t mean any of that. Yes, I may truly be angry and hurt at that particular time, but it’s as if the anger and pain consume me and I immediatly shut down. However, after a couple days of “shut down” mode, then I find myself in “longing” mode………..literally longing to reconcile and just “forget” about what caused us to disagree The truth is, in my particular situation – we are talking about a 22 year old relationship (I”m 37 year old) , which has resulted in 3 children (our first born passed away as an infant – this was the most traumatic and heart wrenching experience of our lives)………..my “husband” has had numerous sexcapades (as I refer to them) and actually became involved with a woman about 7 years ago (who is 1 years younger than I am) and she had his child. For two years, he denied that he was the father of the child and so did she. They continued to carry on their affair……….I finally packed my children up and left him. About nine months after moving out, we started to reconcile butit was so difficult for me to get past everything. We wound up separating again, and he ran right back to her, and he believed (and still does) that I got involved with his friend. I didn’t. Recently, we have been trying again…………we always seem to be moving forward and happy and then BOOM he reverts right back to the same old nonsense – going MIA for a day or two – things like that………………I know I must sound crazy for even saying that I’m trying again, but the truth is I do love him very much and I love to see my children so happy when we’re all together. I only wish I could find the strength to stop always doing the same old things I do…………I somehow “accept” the nonsense because I have yet to find an effective way to address it. I realize that doing the same old thing will yield the same old results…………I wish I could find a new way……………

    Thursday, 23 July 2009 @ 2:48pm

  17. 17: bellaNo Gravatar says:

    wow. i thought it was just me…but my default position is so very similar. deep sadness, hurt, and a sense that things will always follow this cycle of good times and then bad times, with the default position being a position i find myself in over and over again. i wonder if it’s him who’s the problem, the cause of it all, or if it’s me, or both. i pray there’s a better way.
    just knowing there is a ‘default position’ and giving it a name helps, though…

    Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 9:21pm

  18. 18: UschiNo Gravatar says:

    I am not sure how I feel and if these are the right words – but unappreciated, lost, scared, hopeless, guilty -yes guilty of doing something wrong, not giving him what he needed – yes guilt is the thing I feel when it is him who should feel guilty – yet at the same time I wondering what I could do to work it out and I think I am doing all the wrong things – he is worth it really he is and he is having issues too and I’d like to help but know he needs to work on it himself and there is no way for me to help him by telling him – so anyway I am not sure how I feel or what I feel

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 1:59am

  19. 19: TraceyNo Gravatar says:

    I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this “default position” that’s all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what’s he thinking? why doesn’t he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on…. I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?!
    I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can’t be much fun.
    I’m going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to “BE” in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I’m so worried I’ll scare him away!

    Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:05pm

  20. 20: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tracey – you’ve got it. It’s what’s going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:13am

  21. 21: DonnaNo Gravatar says:

    This is a great post!!
    I am discovering myself through Rori’s wonderful posts.. thank you Rori!
    When I’m feeling triggered and uncomforatable.. my default position is to withdraw and go silent, then to have the independant stance. I have been trying to be more in touch with my feelings, with feeling messages, and to be honest, the feeling messages at first make me uncomfortable because I’m not used to feeling all my feelings out in the open, leave alone say them, or write them. But once I say what I’m feeling there is this sense of relief.. and softening within me.. and it feels great.
    At the end of a message to my guy, I would normally say “kisses”.. but i tried something different and said.. “feel like kissing you”.. i felt silly to message this, but it once i said it, it was different.. it feels liberating!

    Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 11:40am

  22. 22: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Donna, Welcome – and BRAVA! to YOU! just keep doing what you’re doing and feeling liberated and good. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 12:02pm

  23. 23: AlisonNo Gravatar says:

    It feels so good to feel instead of think. When I am triggered it feels like i have left my body and someone else has taken over my voice and my actions. It’s one thing to understand mentally that Im being triggered but when I feel myself drifting off, my forehead gets warm, my neck gets tight and my brain starts running. Its like a generator.
    It just automatically switches on. It really feels that way. Barroooom! The sound is so loud that it drowns out my feelings.I’ve always hated the way that feels and have been unable to understand what was happening to me until now. Pulling out the plug, switching it off automatically helps me feel grounded. Im so gratefull to all of you for helping me get through this. I feel scared that I will never find another man and that is a big one for me. I’m 47 with a young child and divorced for two years. Its a challenge for me not to panic. This is hard work and I need all the tools. When I say to myself “use the tools” it feels better. Thank you Rori for this priceless education!! I will be teaching it to my daughter.

    Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 6:24am

  24. 24: JessieNo Gravatar says:

    Its really hard to have normal reactions with my babys daddy–I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family. We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him. One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasnt home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face–that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit.

    Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men.

    Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me.

    Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 11:30am

  25. 25: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jessie, Welcome and thank you so much for this…I’d like to jump off onto a post…Love, Rori

    Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:53pm

  26. 26: MelissaNo Gravatar says:

    I get super defensive and it becomes so important to “fix” the way my man feels about me. He may not necessarily be making a comment to put me down (which he says he would never do) but my head starts spinning thinking about what I can say to make him understand better. I act like I really care what he thinks about me. I don’t want to care. I just want to be me. I don’t want to get so defensive. Then my words turn crazy and I start feeling out of control and I start asking a lot of questions about what he means just so I can make sure I am understanding what he is saying…I suppose to be able to further explain myself. I love Donna’s change in words. I also do the “kisses” text. I am going to try her idea instead next time while I am noticing how I am feeling and making a u-turn in how I respond. Respond not react.

    Thursday, 15 July 2010 @ 6:30pm

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