Comments on: Be Your Heart And Get HIS Heart http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:37:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=9698 By: Melissa http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-49495 Melissa Fri, 16 Jul 2010 01:30:43 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-49495 I get super defensive and it becomes so important to "fix" the way my man feels about me. He may not necessarily be making a comment to put me down (which he says he would never do) but my head starts spinning thinking about what I can say to make him understand better. I act like I really care what he thinks about me. I don't want to care. I just want to be me. I don't want to get so defensive. Then my words turn crazy and I start feeling out of control and I start asking a lot of questions about what he means just so I can make sure I am understanding what he is saying...I suppose to be able to further explain myself. I love Donna's change in words. I also do the "kisses" text. I am going to try her idea instead next time while I am noticing how I am feeling and making a u-turn in how I respond. Respond not react. I get super defensive and it becomes so important to “fix” the way my man feels about me. He may not necessarily be making a comment to put me down (which he says he would never do) but my head starts spinning thinking about what I can say to make him understand better. I act like I really care what he thinks about me. I don’t want to care. I just want to be me. I don’t want to get so defensive. Then my words turn crazy and I start feeling out of control and I start asking a lot of questions about what he means just so I can make sure I am understanding what he is saying…I suppose to be able to further explain myself. I love Donna’s change in words. I also do the “kisses” text. I am going to try her idea instead next time while I am noticing how I am feeling and making a u-turn in how I respond. Respond not react.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-20070 Rori Raye Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:53:36 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-20070 Jessie, Welcome and thank you so much for this...I'd like to jump off onto a post...Love, Rori Jessie, Welcome and thank you so much for this…I’d like to jump off onto a post…Love, Rori

]]> By: Jessie http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-20048 Jessie Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:30:35 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-20048 Its really hard to have normal reactions with my babys daddy--I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family. We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him. One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasnt home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face--that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit. Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men. Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me. Its really hard to have normal reactions with my babys daddy–I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family. We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him. One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasnt home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face–that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit.

Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me.

]]> By: Alison http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-17969 Alison Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:24:57 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-17969 It feels so good to feel instead of think. When I am triggered it feels like i have left my body and someone else has taken over my voice and my actions. It's one thing to understand mentally that Im being triggered but when I feel myself drifting off, my forehead gets warm, my neck gets tight and my brain starts running. Its like a generator. It just automatically switches on. It really feels that way. Barroooom! The sound is so loud that it drowns out my feelings.I've always hated the way that feels and have been unable to understand what was happening to me until now. Pulling out the plug, switching it off automatically helps me feel grounded. Im so gratefull to all of you for helping me get through this. I feel scared that I will never find another man and that is a big one for me. I'm 47 with a young child and divorced for two years. Its a challenge for me not to panic. This is hard work and I need all the tools. When I say to myself "use the tools" it feels better. Thank you Rori for this priceless education!! I will be teaching it to my daughter. It feels so good to feel instead of think. When I am triggered it feels like i have left my body and someone else has taken over my voice and my actions. It’s one thing to understand mentally that Im being triggered but when I feel myself drifting off, my forehead gets warm, my neck gets tight and my brain starts running. Its like a generator.
It just automatically switches on. It really feels that way. Barroooom! The sound is so loud that it drowns out my feelings.I’ve always hated the way that feels and have been unable to understand what was happening to me until now. Pulling out the plug, switching it off automatically helps me feel grounded. Im so gratefull to all of you for helping me get through this. I feel scared that I will never find another man and that is a big one for me. I’m 47 with a young child and divorced for two years. Its a challenge for me not to panic. This is hard work and I need all the tools. When I say to myself “use the tools” it feels better. Thank you Rori for this priceless education!! I will be teaching it to my daughter.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-16849 Rori Raye Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:02:03 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-16849 Donna, Welcome - and BRAVA! to YOU! just keep doing what you're doing and feeling liberated and good. Love, Rori Donna, Welcome – and BRAVA! to YOU! just keep doing what you’re doing and feeling liberated and good. Love, Rori

]]> By: Donna http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-16841 Donna Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:40:23 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-16841 This is a great post!! I am discovering myself through Rori's wonderful posts.. thank you Rori! When I'm feeling triggered and uncomforatable.. my default position is to withdraw and go silent, then to have the independant stance. I have been trying to be more in touch with my feelings, with feeling messages, and to be honest, the feeling messages at first make me uncomfortable because I'm not used to feeling all my feelings out in the open, leave alone say them, or write them. But once I say what I'm feeling there is this sense of relief.. and softening within me.. and it feels great. At the end of a message to my guy, I would normally say "kisses".. but i tried something different and said.. "feel like kissing you".. i felt silly to message this, but it once i said it, it was different.. it feels liberating! This is a great post!!
I am discovering myself through Rori’s wonderful posts.. thank you Rori!
When I’m feeling triggered and uncomforatable.. my default position is to withdraw and go silent, then to have the independant stance. I have been trying to be more in touch with my feelings, with feeling messages, and to be honest, the feeling messages at first make me uncomfortable because I’m not used to feeling all my feelings out in the open, leave alone say them, or write them. But once I say what I’m feeling there is this sense of relief.. and softening within me.. and it feels great.
At the end of a message to my guy, I would normally say “kisses”.. but i tried something different and said.. “feel like kissing you”.. i felt silly to message this, but it once i said it, it was different.. it feels liberating!

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-16480 Rori Raye Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:13:54 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-16480 Tracey - you've got it. It's what's going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori Tracey – you’ve got it. It’s what’s going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori

]]> By: Tracey http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-16386 Tracey Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:05:16 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-16386 I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this "default position" that's all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what's he thinking? why doesn't he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on.... I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?! I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can't be much fun. I'm going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to "BE" in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I'm so worried I'll scare him away! I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this “default position” that’s all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what’s he thinking? why doesn’t he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on…. I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?!
I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can’t be much fun.
I’m going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to “BE” in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I’m so worried I’ll scare him away!

]]> By: Uschi http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-15430 Uschi Sun, 06 Sep 2009 08:59:24 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-15430 I am not sure how I feel and if these are the right words - but unappreciated, lost, scared, hopeless, guilty -yes guilty of doing something wrong, not giving him what he needed - yes guilt is the thing I feel when it is him who should feel guilty - yet at the same time I wondering what I could do to work it out and I think I am doing all the wrong things - he is worth it really he is and he is having issues too and I'd like to help but know he needs to work on it himself and there is no way for me to help him by telling him - so anyway I am not sure how I feel or what I feel I am not sure how I feel and if these are the right words – but unappreciated, lost, scared, hopeless, guilty -yes guilty of doing something wrong, not giving him what he needed – yes guilt is the thing I feel when it is him who should feel guilty – yet at the same time I wondering what I could do to work it out and I think I am doing all the wrong things – he is worth it really he is and he is having issues too and I’d like to help but know he needs to work on it himself and there is no way for me to help him by telling him – so anyway I am not sure how I feel or what I feel

]]> By: bella http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/be-your-heart-and-get-his-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-14295 bella Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:21:56 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=295#comment-14295 wow. i thought it was just me...but my default position is so very similar. deep sadness, hurt, and a sense that things will always follow this cycle of good times and then bad times, with the default position being a position i find myself in over and over again. i wonder if it's him who's the problem, the cause of it all, or if it's me, or both. i pray there's a better way. just knowing there is a 'default position' and giving it a name helps, though... wow. i thought it was just me…but my default position is so very similar. deep sadness, hurt, and a sense that things will always follow this cycle of good times and then bad times, with the default position being a position i find myself in over and over again. i wonder if it’s him who’s the problem, the cause of it all, or if it’s me, or both. i pray there’s a better way.
just knowing there is a ‘default position’ and giving it a name helps, though…

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