How To Deal With A Depressed Man

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We’re talking about attracting and then rejecting “low-quality” men – or just men YOU don’t feel are good quality. And we’re talking about what to do with those men for PRACTICE (and perhaps even TRANSFORMING them) instead of passing on them and shutting them out the moment their bad qualities show up.

This answer is for Marplot, whose “crush” is depressed, and I know this is very, very common (especially with the economic turmoil right now – it particularly affects men, whose entire self-respect is often based on their ability to “provide) – so let me know if it helps you, too.

When you are depressed, you are NOT FEELING. Depression means you are close to NUMB. Sadness may come through, but the emotion that is most important to understanding and dealing with depression is ANGER.

When we feel ANGRY, and cannot bear the anger – either because of it’s force, or who we feel “inappropriately” angry at (like family and friends) – we stuff it down. For those of us who are trained by lifelong habit to go to depression when they feel angry (and this is usually because your family, school, culture, religion told you that anger is unacceptable and inappropriate) – the anger can build up over a lifetime into rage, and STILL not come to the surface.

Your depressed man is angry. He feels shame and guilt at feeling so angry. And that makes him even more angry. When you HELP a person who feels so angry and ashamed, you make them ANGRIER. You make them MORE depressed.

The way to deal with a depressed person is to be so in touch with your own feelings, so turning, morphing, riffing your sensations and feelings into loving ones toward yourself, so that you can feel MORE and MORE of your emotions instead of less and less, that you create an atmosphere of SAFETY around you for EVERYONE.

This is basically what it is to be a “guru.” To be so UNJUDGING of yourself that you are automatically not judging of anyone else. And, amazingly, you don’t have to be brilliant at this.

Just being aware of how you work inside, and knowing how to morph and turn and riff bad feelings into GOOD feelings without stuffing down the bad feelings, even just a TINY bit of this will shift your “vibe” so momentously that everyone around you will shift, too.

WARNING: When you create safety for a depressed man, which means being in touch with and able to express in Feeling Statements your OWN rage – he will begin to thaw.

And guess what the first feeling he’ll let loose will be? You guessed it – ANGER.

That means, if you’re with a depressed man, and you create safety for him by feeling comfortable with your own anger – you’re going to hear some anger coming from him.

He may all of a sudden explode. He may cut loose – instead of with a nasty ‘barb,” as angry depressed men often do (they often get ‘bitchy” along with “moody”) – with real life ANGER.

You may feel scared. You may feel defensive.

That’s why it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL for you to do the steps to get to Feeling Statements no matter what, to get to Power Speeches – to FEEL OKAY – no matter what’s going on (short of physical violence – get away from that instantly).

You’re going to need to be able to Trust Your Boundaries in the face of a man letting go of years and years of anger that has NOTHING to do with YOU.

So – for now, until you get really fluent in Strong Surrender – where you can drop all your defenses and just Stand There in your inner strength, feeling your feelings and expressing them, and leaving the room when it feels too bad..I suggest you stay away from a depressed man.

We all think that what we’ll get if we open up a man who’s depressed is sadness. We think he’ll cry. And we feel like we can handle that. It makes us feel needed and good, up to a point. And yes, we do get that. Tears are part of the hurt and pain and sadness he feels. But it’s the ANGER that’s making him DEPRESSED instead of just “sad.”

So – if you’re already involved with a depressed man, take a look at my Toxic Man program – that will teach you how to handle a man’s anger in a way that facilitates his healing, and makes intimacy between you possible – while honoring YOURSELF.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Monday, 13 October 2008 @ 5:46am

1: Daria says:

sigh…
what about a depressed woman?
I’m guessing same process? I’m just now realizing how tense and terrified I feel when I see my mom looking depressed… and have felt this way since I was young…but she seems happier seeing me expressing my own feelings…

Monday, 13 October 2008 @ 2:00pm

2: Linda says:

my guy just called to say.. lets have dinner tomorrow and talk… I said.. it feels good to talk to you and bad that we have not communicating after all we have been to each other. He says ,all is good. ! He loves me, nothing has changed… lets live together… I said.. if you feel that way.. why have you not been calling me like before.. he says he has been busy.. at work.. and I said.. You always have been busy but not too busy to call me. So please ,it would feel so good to have your honest feelings. Please don’t say things that you think will make me happy and not really mean them… It will be OK with the truth.
He said… all is good.. and we will talk tomorrow.. I know I probably made many mistakes… I just have a man that only says good things… It does not feel authentic to me.
I am very authentic with him.
does any one know someone like this.. and why? why is he like this.? I know he is always home.. ad not with another women.. I know he is more female energy.. I dont feel loved any more by him… I just feel weird.. Like what is going on? Why is he like this.? Sure, I wish this to be true.. but why?
Does he just not feel like a good man.. so he is saying the good man things.? I have not seen him in about 10 days.. so… I will be interested in how I feel when I see him tommorow night.. I guess I have to have a good power speech ready.. so he will know
what I what. My head is spinning with feelings
I have been dating alot.( doing all that I learned) .. and the calls are coming in all the time.. and one guy called me 9 times today..so all is going well. and I have lots more interesting men to meet.. but I have to believe that my guy is good enought
and will step up.. and be the man he is talking about.. with action.. behind his words..
I really want to listen to what has come down with him.. and why he has stayed away..
and if he really convinces me. he is for real
I am not interested in being a girl friend any longer.. how about that.. its real time for me.. and no more living together with out the ring..!! That will seperate the men from the boys.. correct !
I can do that.. right! In fact… its perfect.

See it all works.!!!. Thank you Rori..

Rori… help me..!
I have to lean back..
I have to talk in feeling statements.
I have to not blame him. or direct him. or
believe lies !!! I have to say..
it just has not felt like you love me.. lately.
It does not feel that you have been interested
in me.. or what I was feeling. or doing.

Thanks Rori

Linda

Monday, 13 October 2008 @ 9:23pm

3: Clara says:

Dear Rori,
From where to start? How could I summarize 16 years of pain ?
I am now 42, I am not an American but I live in the States, and he in a different continent!

To be brief , the nightmare / dream began in 1992, when I 1st met him,( let’s call him “Nate” ) and what happened?
Well simply, when I read your own story and your experiences, it is as if I am reading mine, but I had only this one man for 16 years!
Yes I was a crumb-taker, yes I was a stepping –stone, yes I was the understanding loving friend, yes I was out-going and strong willed, and thinking, like women do, that HE will realize how good I was, and he would love me as much as I loved him, in short I was even worse than this…I was his doormat!
Sex was outstanding ( his own words) yes all of what you said is true, I was doing exactly as you have described the Imaginary Relationship, there was none, and he was so intoxicating !
And like you said I was “precious and rare and a friend” alas a doormat too!

I had to go through a surgery, during which month at the hospital, I knew that another woman came into his life . During his engagement period, he used to call me, and have phone sex with me !
Yes I know, I used to think that he will realize again that he LOVES ME ! But…Devastation! In 1997 he married her! Depression and attempted suicide in 1998, 3 days in a coma and of course zero self-esteem…zero everything!
I felt trampled on, humiliated, used and abused…I felt like a big fat zero, soulless, aimless, a worm ! My life was destroyed totally, lost my job, lost my self-respect, chronic depression you name it !

6 months after his marriage, he calls me and says his wife was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and she is suicidal, again he wanted my comfort and of course wanted the “friend with benefits” ! I told him the truth about my feelings, that I was deeply in Love with him, and I cannot share him …and I ended this slavery!
Still I was not over him !

In 2002 I met my Husband (an American) on internet, a wonderful soul, a loving adoring husband, we got married in 2004, and we are having a blessed lovely marriage and a relationship, he is just like you describe, a real loving committed man, and I do love him!
Still I was not over “Nate” ! Still he came back to haunt my mind!

10 years passed with no communication whatsoever, until April 28, 2008. I receive an email from him, ( he took my email from a common friend) telling me that his life is a total mess, his wife is draining him of Everything including money, his marriage is a total failure, he cheated on her twice during 10 years of marriage, he’s got an 8 year old child, and he is going through a depression!

I am afraid that my old habits awakened, my feelings and my love, every single sensation came back, I feel like a dam caving under the pressure of these emotional waters…
He told me he never forgot me, that I was always with him, that he “Systematically” was thinking of me, but I know that he is emotionally unstable, he always told me he does not know what love is, he never was In Love, for him it is a question mark,
He also told me that I am the only woman with whom he does not feel ( after sex) being empty, vain, and also being the only woman, for whom his desire is always ignited, unlike others !! I think he is emotionally unavailable, while he also says he wants to take care of his wife, amend for his mistakes, and during her hospitalization ( after 4 suicide attempts in these 7 months after our reconnection ) he said he wanted to be 100% there for her…though she does not love him anymore and she told him so- still together just for the sake of the child, and because financially they cannot afford the divorce and lawyers fees!! -
And I am still unable to forget him, or to be ONLY a friend, and this sexual attraction, this Chemistry between us is still there, we talked on the phone, and to my utter shame, and disgust, I couldn’t resist him, and again we had phone sex

I feel trapped, I feel disgusted with my weakness, I am still IN LOVE with this man !!!!
I pray God and ask why I am not IN love with my husband ( he knows about Nate as Only a friend with marital problems ) whom I love so very much and want to stay with him, I love him, but…I feel like I am addicted to “Nate”…
Pleaseeeeee help me …I am in the vicious circle again !

I am so sorry for the long email, tried to make it brief but I think I failed,, hope you won’t discard it, I hope you can help me
Sincerely,
Clara.

PS. I am unable to download your programs for the time being, due to financial problems, but I wait for your news letters, and devour them, but I hope I would be able to do so soon.
Thank you Rori, thank you for helping us, God Bless you.
____________________________________________

Sunday, 26 October 2008 @ 1:45pm

4: Tina says:

Hi Rori,
I consider you as an angel in my life. Just like I follow your blogs regularly, I follow Steve’s Pavlina’s blog too. I respect this man very much.

I read his latest two blogs and suddenly I am thrown off. Its about relationships and I’d like to know your views about it. After reading those, I am sensing a fear inside me instead of self-confident.

Here are the links:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/12/2009-focus-intimate-relationships/

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/

Looking forward to your views about this.

Love,
Tina

Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 2:39pm

5: Rori Raye says:

Tina – Thank you for the links. Okay – Polyamory. Huge, huge issue here. I know you like this guy, and he seems interesting, and yet I wanted to laugh.

The friends I have – yes – several – who are living Polyamorously – are women. It feels like a WOMAN’S thing. And most of this is about women bringing other women into the marriage or relationship. Most often, the men go along for the ride, but are extremely confused on an emotional level.

I also know of several folks in which there are two men (or more) and one women. What Steve can’t foresee is what it would look like if his wife, Erin, brought another man into the marriage. And my suggestion to Erin would be to – right now – this minute – be open to bringing men into the marriage. Yep. Circular Date, Circular Flirt. I can pretty much guarantee her (and him) that THAT is the shake up this marriage needs. In my experience – a “menage a trois” usually ends up with one pair bonding and the third being left out. Even if it’s a woman that the woman brings into the relationship. It can take a long time. And this might be the leap in personal growth that Steve is looking for – not the one he envisions.

And what would happen if ERIN fell in love with someone else?

The problem here is that Steve is not fundamentally still intrigued by his wife. She’s – according to him – completely “known.” He feels there’s nowhere else to go in the relationship, and that he’s overflowing with love and affection and needs more than one women to give it to – and you know what – I can see that!

Realistically – is it possible for EVERY man to enjoy monogamy the way that almost ALL men do?

Wow – this is getting long – I’m going to turn it into a post…Love, Rori

Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 5:05pm

6: Rori Raye says:

Oh – Yeah, Tina – I can feel the unease and ickyiness about even TALKING about this – so let me say – this guy Steve is not what you want. He’s unusual in ways that might be lovely – but they’re not much good for what most of US want.

We all vibrate in certain ways. What he’s talking about is not a “player’s” mentality – it’s something else (and I am so totally AGAINST a man being vegan – it takes all the masculine vibe out of his cells).

Just ignore this and do what we’re doing here. Stick with imagining what you want, and that’s what you’ll get. Love, Rori

Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 5:09pm

7: Tina says:

Thanks a lot for the advice Rori. That was very helpful. I have a personal question now. I did something stupid that I wasnt supposed to do. When I was with my boy friend two weeks ago, I overheard his conversation with his friends, without his knowledge. He broke up with me for that. He always breaks up with me. He just needs an excuse to break up. But he said, he likes to talk to me and be my friend.

I told him that I cant be friends with him.

He didnt treat me like the way he is supposed to treat me when he went on vacation. He didnt have time for me.

On the New Year’s day, I was broken up by my boy friend. Its Awful. I remember you telling me about “Thinking big, big picture” in “Commitment blueprint”. Is it too late now?

I never did circular dating before but I talked to this another guy today (doormat kind of guy who didnt even see me) but honestly, I am not interested in him. I talked to him few times last year but my boy friend warned me not to talk to him.

Is it okay to talk to him now? Because even though my boy friend broke up with me he will not like it if he comes to know that I am talking to that guy.

But he does things that I dont like anyway.

Thanks,
Tina

Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 7:43pm

8: Maria says:

Hi Rory, l looked your comment to Steve and Erin situation and post. Honestly, after reading, what he said, l felt such an anger. As much as l tried to be “open minded” about this new theory of his, l think literally in any women DNA this kind of treament by her spouse or fiancee is not coded in. So l am looking for your full comment of this.
p.s.to my opinion, l dont belive Erin is happy with it. very deep inside.

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 2:59pm

9: Lin says:

I agree… its very disturbing…. Erin … throw his
$ss in the river….. I feel Steve is a lucky man who ….does not appreciate what he has…. and Erin should power speech him and be honest..
and bring him to his knees..!!!
Lin

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 3:15pm

10: Clara says:

Lin, Tina

I did not even bother to continue readding Steve’s jibber-jabber, after the 1st paragraph, I mean really???? Give me a break !!!!
He is trying to find the any ALIBI, to go out and have good times with women that is all, and because he does not want to feel guilty he is trying to convince his wife that it is alright and that he is what he is and connot change, if he really loves her, he SHOULD find a WAY to GIVE her all teh love that HE FEELS, otherwise he is just a SELFISH spoiled brat B@$tard !
He needs to mature and be thankful for the lovely woman that did not kick him out of her life YET !!
That is my opinion on his “I want the cake and I want to eat it ” !

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 3:52pm

11: Tina says:

I had so much respect for him. After reading this thing, I jus’ feel horrible. Are all men that way? Where are the good men? Even if they are, why cant I have one of them.

Tina

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 5:18pm

12: Maria says:

l popped another post of his blog, where he refferred someones book “10 reasons to leave your lifelong partner” and although l pay lot of respect of the authors etc, l did not like the way it was pointed out. If l should get married with this kind of fundamental basic, l would rather stay single.
Tina, l belive not all men are like this, cos otherwize the theory of being the ONE would not exist. (l dont belive Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt would go out with such a statement, to give u an example, cos look how they cherish their wives)
l would rather say Steve is one individual. l belive his (sexual) energy level is indeed higher and lm NOT saying that a man would not DREAM of it sometimes, but a regular mature man is far from getting it done, more over, getting it into PUBLIC, moreover, getting it done in a public, while MARRIED. in Steves case giving role models like this is OK to do it, is actually not OK!
l noticed his words n his post where he describe himself being “disconnected” from Erin because of that desire. What a bad place to be for her.
ld reccommend to stick to Roris theory. And else, if you know Christian Carter, who Rori also cooperates with, you see that Christian talks a lot about stuff from male point of wiew, which is that (almost) every men secretly years meet and have The One.

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 5:56pm

13: Tina says:

Thanks Maria. I feel lot better. I am bringing myself back to the bridge everytime I feel upset, needy or obsessed.

And with the support of all you wonderful people, I know this new year will be great for me.

Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 7:38pm

14: Tina says:

Hi Rori,
My boyfriend came back from vacation after breaking up with me on New year’s day on phone.

He started behaving as if everything was normal. I refused his offer to go down and meet him.

I asked him if he wanted long term committed relationship with me or if this is temporary again.

He said he likes me very much and wants to have me around “whenever he feel like” but then he gets a vibe of not being happy together in the long run.

I said, in that case there is nothing for us to even communicate. Then he said I am free to do whatever I want to and he would let go.

Its really hard. I cant believe I did this. Deep down I miss him terribly. My yucky feelings are coming up. I wanna catch him, mold him, make him and make me like me but that doesn’t work.

Now what do I do Rori? Please write something.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 10:28am

15: Daria says:

Dear Tina,

I hope Rori does find your post here… if not maybe you can post under the most current blog?

I feel concerned when I read your post.

I am pretty sure she would say to Circular Date.

Love,

Daria

Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 1:51pm

16: Tina says:

Thanks Daria. I’d post it under new current blog. I feel a creepy pain in my stomach when I think about this.
Once again, thanks for your advice.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 2:44pm

17: heartbeat says:

Rori – could we have a post on Men & Money? I know you refer to it in Reconnect and I found this post helpful too. My man has lost his job and he’s being bitchy now and then etc. I’m doing ok, your stuff is really working for me. I’d love to know more about Strong Surrender. I feel lonely although he’s around on a daily basis, and he sees I’m ok if there’s an urgent need (like taking me to the doctor). But I feel so frustrated at him too. It’s like he’s become the girl, and I don’t want to be the boy. I don’t know how to handle his occasional bitchy comments – they hurt, so I take that as a push away. Sometimes my instinct says ‘let it go’, sometimes it says ’say something’. I find myself feeling angry so I’ve switched focus to me, but it would feel great just to have a bit of ‘background knowledge’ too. There must be many men going through this at the moment.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009 @ 4:40pm

18: heartbeat says:

PS something very interesting is also happening – other men (mostly exes, actually) are turning up in masculine mode! So far this week I’ve had advice on handling a situation with my 20yr old son and the offer of a listening ear regarding my sister who is seriously ill. Another would help me with house repairs but I don’t feel comfortable about him actually being here, however the offer feels great.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009 @ 5:01pm

19: me says:

You will be happy to know Steve has just written an article, now changing his stance a little bit…now it’s fine to just have casual sex with no emotional attachment…just for fun. Ha ha!

And to think I looked up to him, he’s gone bonkers!

http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/steve-pavlina/27809-conscious-sexuality-blog.html

Friday, 23 January 2009 @ 8:26am

20: heartbeat says:

I don’t know if anyone will read this… it’s such a long way from the front page… which feels kind of nice and quiet too, a space to reflect…

We’re getting through, I feel happy and proud of myself, and of him too. After I commented above, I found a couple of posts on here that helped some way toward what I was asking. (It felt wierd not getting any response, and I didn’t expect one… and that’s another issue of mine, around getting help, being afraid and guilty if I do get it… working through this on here).

Being truthful – what’s the truth? sifting through my feelings… fear, anger, insecurity… processing and riffing on here, so my responses to him are truly congruent and not dumping on him, yet not hiding or short-changing myself. Learning to stand aside and to turn to my joys… trust him (I find it hard to trust men, correction – I am starting to trust the man I am in a relationship with… no, I trust him MOSTLY… I am giving myself time to LEARN trustfeelings and discover the painful barnicles that pop up, and the GREAT JOY).

Sometime I feel like I’m pulling teeth in rusty cart on a gravel road! Have to stay for the ride, it’s the only way.

I can’t believe how close we’ve become, it’s fabulous! And great sex too… blush…

Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 4:58pm

21: Daria says:

Aww heartbeat that is so cute! I feel like I am smiling from ear to ear!

HUGS!

Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:02pm

22: heartbeat says:

Daria! You found me! Big hugs, that’s so sweeeet

Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:19pm

23: Gayle says:

Dear Everybody,

Ok…I bought the book, I read it and tried my best to implement the ‘I feel…’ technique when communicating with my guy. Not working!! Heres the story…..

Started dating this man a year after my husband passed away. We hit it off immediately. The first date never really ended. From the beginning, I made it clear that I was not going to be part of a line of women in and out of his life. If he was not looking a solid relationship, we should not continue, as this is not what I wanted and needed from a man. (He is 37 and has never been with a women for more than a year). He has his house, I have mine, but we have lived together in both homes since day 1 for the past 1.8 years. He talked about selling his house as “His home was wherever I was”. There had been a couple of squabbles, and a short week break up early on. Things return to great. about 4 months later he starts getting very distant, not affectionate at all anymore and starts talking about needing to ‘go out with the guys’ and ‘needs his space’. He’s not the bar type, he’s talking about ‘fishing and hunting type stuff’. Up to this point, I was the one he wanted to go with..along with his friends. But ok..fine, go do your ‘guy thing’. (He has never once since telling me that actually done it). He moved back to his house for about a month. We started talking and going to dinner. I started to understand that he needed time to think and was getting ok with it, when he gradually starts moving his stuff back in. He was back at my house for less than a month and things were actually worse. When I recently expressed that I was feeling neglected and unloved, had been for some time and that if this was what our relationship was going to be, that I did not want to spend my life upset or questioning his feelings for me. He initial reaction was anger. The next day, he apologized for the way he had been acting, told me he loved me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Literally 15 minutes later, he announces he loves me but no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and that it was time for him to go. He moved his stuff out right then and there. In fairness, I know there has been a tremendous amount of stress on him. He returned to college, quit his fulltime job to do so and had a hard time finding a parttime job to pay the bills, but has done so. He also felt it necessary to quit drinking, (he is not a heavy drinker unless things are really bad as they have been for him.)

I have no idea what to think. Family and friends seem to think he will be back down the road. I am not so sure about that and not so sure I could ever trust him with my heart again. The back and forth has severely damaged my trust in him. I am not 100% devastated as I was somewhat expecting this for awhile. I am more disappointed and confused.

I am truly hoping you readers can shed some light.

Sincerely,

Gayle

Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:57pm

24: Gayle says:

Sorry, new to this and trying to figure out how to see responses to the above message.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 1:45pm

25: Lin says:

To Linda,
I remember a long time ago… you posted to me that it seemed we were dating the same man….. and now reading your post for Oct 13,2008….. I understand why you say that !!
My guy does the same thing… say everything I what to hear..! along with no seeing any other women ! I am so wondering where your relationship is at … today ? we have the same issues… may be we are the only women in the world with the same…. personality types as boyfriends…. I have said the same thing as you have….. lets put our heads together.!!

Lin

Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 5:14am

26: Lin says:

Gayle…. I feel so bad you are going through
this… in your relationship. This just seems to be something he is going through…. and its very hard on you… I feel you should accept that
he says.. he does not want a relationship any more with you… of course you deserve a reason .. I would think…. and then you should
date date date…..
of course if it were me .. I would be crying every day… It does not seem like you did anything wrong.. so maybe he just is not the one… ? What do you think ?
Lin

Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 5:21am

27: Gayle says:

Lin,

Thanks for the response.

What do I think? I don’t have a clue what to think except that I feel like I was hit by a train. I have no other alternative but to accept it. At 43 years old, you just don’t have the energy to keep starting over with the next moron. I think it will be quite a while before I even think about dating. I have never really felt comfortable with the whole dating thing anyway. Maybe I’m just lazy!

Again, thank you for the insight.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 3:22pm

28: Lin says:

Gayle,
I understand…. its not easy… at 43…. to start over…. your angry… and I would be angry also….. did you give him a power speech telling him.. just how you feel… .. and then wait for his response…. ?
my heart goes out to you…..
Lin

Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 4:25pm

29: Gayle says:

Hi Lin,

Yep! I gave him the power speech, right after I asked him to finish up his moving for the day. His happy go lucky attitude was more than I could take at the moment. Before I completely exploded, I thought it better that he just leave and we’d deal with the rest of his stuff at a later date. (When I was not so emotional). Maybe he heard what I said, maybe not. I guess I am still waiting for his response. I am in the ‘No Contact Zone’, where I plan to stay, at least until I feel able to deal with him rationally and not feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I may never feel that way, but I will be forced to deal with him at some point. Better it is on civil terms than emotionally charged.

Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:05am

30: Lin says:

Gayle, I completely understand….. I would feel the same anger… the same… out of my mind
anger… with the guy….!!

If its any consultation…. which I know it wont help…. I am in late 50’s… and alot of those guys.. you know the type… cant completely commit… guys… are now… in there middle 60’s…. and begging for a real girlfriend to love and marry… for real…. Cause.. they woke up..
and see there older brothers… sick.. and see that their wife’s… are taking loving care of them…. and now they see.. and can actually understand…. what love and commitment is all about… they want it now… and NOW… they want it NOW !! and they told me this on the second date !!! I run like heck… when this is said to be.. on the second date…. I feel… wow
this guy must of gotten bad news at the doctors office… and now they want love… and loving care… NOW. Before this… they were players…. and they were the hot… guys that left a string of broken hearts…
I really feel you are doing the right things with your guy…. making him leave… cause you were so angry…
Its hard to imagine…. that your guy.. just had a change of heart.. and did not want the relationship any more… like we are disposable objects.. ? and How can he be happy go lucky…. about it all.. !!
I am afraid I would want to hurt him… emotionally…. !! also… !!

Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:29am

31: Gayle says:

Now that made me laugh! Pretty bad when the only time a man wants a women is when he NEEDS a nurse!

It is hard to believe that he just ‘changed his mind’. I think alot of his actions are from depression. He has every classic symptom of such. But still, sick in the head or not, he broke my heart. I will never be able to trust him with it again.

And yes, I feel like I want to hurt him. Sometimes physically and sometimes emotionally. However, I think he will do both to himself given enough time. He will be that 60 something man looking for a nurse!

Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:47am

32: Lin says:

Gayle, not all men just want women when they need a nurse… only the player types.
pretty sad…… I will get back to you later..
keep laughing… its good for you
Lin

Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 10:03am

33: Jennifer says:

I am in a similar situation. My ex was depressed when we broke up and I did everything wrong. I kept trying to help him. Called his doctors demanding they do things for him that he felt they weren’t and eventually he withdrew completely from me. He told me he didn’t want to burden me with his problems. Trouble is I too have negative patterns of behavior that had been affecting the relationship. I was needy, clingy and controlling. I had low self-esteem so I thought that my only way to be worthy of love was to put others needs before my own, to make others problems mine and when I could not live up to my own high expectations, I got angry at the people around me whom I believed should have been doing more. I overwhelmed myself to the point that despite all my efforts I couldn’t help anyone and left myself feeling like a complete failure. I was afraid to be too intimate because I was afraid to be vulnerable so sure I would be let down. And now I have cleared my plate so to speak. I am no longer self-destructive and I want to implement your plan of showing that to my ex so that he can open up to me and let go of his anger. Do you have any suggestions on how I can do this? I had not contacted him for about 3 months now. I wanted to get myself to a place where I did not repeat this negative behaviors before I contacted him again. He has however not spoken to me since we broke up about 5 months ago and he is still angry. Every time I run into him I can see the anger in his face and I want to be able to be someone he can open up to. I am sure though he won’t call because my behaviors in the past left him feeling inferior. Can you help me please?

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:59am

34: Jennifer says:

I cannot unfortunately afford your program right now but am in desperate need of help.

Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. At least something to get him to give me a chance and open the lines of communication. I thought about maybe sending a card apologizing for my negative behavior without expecting an apology to show him that I have changed and maybe inspire him to do the same. Sort of an olive branch, so to speak. What do you think?

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 8:04am

35: Rori Raye says:

Jennifer, first – Brava to you for being able to see what’s going on with you so clearly and for doing the work to change direction…seems to me that since you actually run into him…he’s going to see how different you are. If you’re happy and have lots of great things going on in your life…that will shine through your face and your vibe…I don’t know that you have anything to apologize for except for overfunctioning…but if you feel like that’s a good heart-to-heart way to speak, then go ahead. Next time you see him, say “I’m sorry.” He may or may not respond. You can also say, “I feel your anger, and I’m sorry. Can we talk?” The thing is –if he’s still depressed –wouldn’t you be doing better for yourself to really Circular Date and get yourself a man who has the energy to care for YOU? Love, rori

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 10:15am

36: Katie says:

Rori,

I feel like I’m in a very difficult position. My (relatively new) boyfriend has a situation I know nothing about (yes I know “boyfriend-trap,” but I’m only 23).

My boyfriend doesn’t have a family It’s actually quite a sad, horrible story. His parents abandoned him when he was a baby and was raised by his grandpa (who from what I’ve heard, was a very kind loving man…who died two years ago). He has no relationships with his parents due to the horrifying abuse experienced over the years (neglect and violence – at one point later in life his mother racked up huge credit card debt in his name (~$900,000) and the last time he saw his dad two years ago they got into a fist fight). He grew up with some very close friends who died in a car crash a few years ago. He has no siblings and the only other living relative he has is his dad’s brother who is also quite a pathetic asshole. Oh, and all this happened in Ireland, where he grew up. He is now in the states and has been here for 3 years.

And now my family….I have this huge, loving family (which I have come to cherish even more as a gift after learning the things my bf went through).

And now, it’s the holiday season. My parents and siblings know about his family situation so (naturally) we don’t want him to be alone. I’ve asked him to go and he said he felt very uncomfortable about large family get-togethers and declined [insisting he has actually like spending it alone...playing video games and ordering take-out (that's what him and his grandpa used to do together on holidays)]. Understandable (because of his family situation and us being such a new couple) but part of this uncomfortability definitely comes when any new significant other meets the family.

Thank god for his angel of a grandpa who taught him what love is and raised a truly resilient, wonderful man (he’s not depressed…at least not showing any extreme classical signs of it). And he does have very close friends now that are very supportive and he has great, very normal relationships with. And our relationship is a very blooming, wonderful one. I deliver feeling messages and he is very responsive, affectionate and enjoys meeting my needs. (Not to mention such a babe and makes me laugh uncontrollably constantly).

I know we are supposed to go through a man’s heart. But this heart-wrenching story is something I cannot ignore wanting to give a piece of my kindness for. I want to show him what a real loving family is like.

I told him this, and what he revealed to me feels like he doesn’t understand what a loving family is. Like he didn’t have hope in it because he’s had such bad experiences: went to a friend’s house for a family party and there was a fist fight and it made him feel awkward, feels like family members are cruel to one another (whispering insulting things under their breath), feels like he doesn’t belong and ESPECIALLY because it’s always awkward when they find out he doesn’t have a family. He’s afraid people will either feel sorry for him or think he’s weird or something.

Now, the feeling like he doesn’t belong part is something every new significant other goes through when meeting the family, you can understand and deal with if you have a family. Just because things get difficult doesn’t mean you ignore them and choose not to be a part of them. Part of being in a family means you go through those things and you stick with it.

But the other parts, about being weird about people asking about his family (my relatives specifically) it’s going to make him feel bad.

I feel bad that I pushed it on him (because I asked/talked to him about it twice) because he might be able to handle it if it happens slowly (Christmas is like the biggest family time of the year…maybe low-key times will be better). I also want to show him that this is a part of my life [and we are not cruel (well not ALL the time jk) to each other] and that this is a big part of what makes me, me. I also feel that I really don’t want him to be alone (he has said before that he is uncomfortable with holidays…and said something on his facebook status about hating the holidays). Even though he says he likes being alone, I don’t 100% believe him. I just don’t think he wants to admit it. That’s how I feel, but I also feel like this is a very sensitive subject that I don’t know anything about what it was like growing up for him so I don’t want to push him if it really hurts him.

Any thoughts/comments/words of guidance?

Love,
Katie

Thursday, 17 December 2009 @ 9:18am

37: Rori Raye says:

Katie – stop pushing. Let him do what he wants. Trying to talk a man into anything is a losing proposition. It’s damaging all the way around. And – sorry – but I don’t think this is just about kindness. You FEEL compassionate and sad – but this is about YOU. You want to introduce him to your family, you want him to be DIFFERENT…you want to make change…this is controlling, manipulating – and, please stop it. You and he, if this works, will create NEW traditions for the two of you, and your family will slowly become a part of that. Just drop it. Love, Rori

Friday, 18 December 2009 @ 4:04pm

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