We’re talking about attracting and then rejecting “low-quality” men – or just men YOU don’t feel are good quality. And we’re talking about what to do with those men for PRACTICE (and perhaps even TRANSFORMING them) instead of passing on them and shutting them out the moment their bad qualities show up.
This answer is for Marplot, whose “crush” is depressed, and I know this is very, very common (especially with the economic turmoil right now – it particularly affects men, whose entire self-respect is often based on their ability to “provide) – so let me know if it helps you, too.
When you are depressed, you are NOT FEELING. Depression means you are close to NUMB. Sadness may come through, but the emotion that is most important to understanding and dealing with depression is ANGER.
When we feel ANGRY, and cannot bear the anger – either because of it’s force, or who we feel “inappropriately” angry at (like family and friends) – we stuff it down. For those of us who are trained by lifelong habit to go to depression when they feel angry (and this is usually because your family, school, culture, religion told you that anger is unacceptable and inappropriate) – the anger can build up over a lifetime into rage, and STILL not come to the surface.
Your depressed man is angry. He feels shame and guilt at feeling so angry. And that makes him even more angry. When you HELP a person who feels so angry and ashamed, you make them ANGRIER. You make them MORE depressed.
The way to deal with a depressed person is to be so in touch with your own feelings, so turning, morphing, riffing your sensations and feelings into loving ones toward yourself, so that you can feel MORE and MORE of your emotions instead of less and less, that you create an atmosphere of SAFETY around you for EVERYONE.
This is basically what it is to be a “guru.” To be so UNJUDGING of yourself that you are automatically not judging of anyone else. And, amazingly, you don’t have to be brilliant at this.
Just being aware of how you work inside, and knowing how to morph and turn and riff bad feelings into GOOD feelings without stuffing down the bad feelings, even just a TINY bit of this will shift your “vibe” so momentously that everyone around you will shift, too.
WARNING: When you create safety for a depressed man, which means being in touch with and able to express in Feeling Statements your OWN rage – he will begin to thaw.
And guess what the first feeling he’ll let loose will be? You guessed it – ANGER.
That means, if you’re with a depressed man, and you create safety for him by feeling comfortable with your own anger – you’re going to hear some anger coming from him.
He may all of a sudden explode. He may cut loose – instead of with a nasty ‘barb,” as angry depressed men often do (they often get ‘bitchy” along with “moody”) – with real life ANGER.
You may feel scared. You may feel defensive.
That’s why it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL for you to do the steps to get to Feeling Statements no matter what, to get to Power Speeches – to FEEL OKAY – no matter what’s going on (short of physical violence – get away from that instantly).
You’re going to need to be able to Trust Your Boundaries in the face of a man letting go of years and years of anger that has NOTHING to do with YOU.
So – for now, until you get really fluent in Strong Surrender – where you can drop all your defenses and just Stand There in your inner strength, feeling your feelings and expressing them, and leaving the room when it feels too bad..I suggest you stay away from a depressed man.
We all think that what we’ll get if we open up a man who’s depressed is sadness. We think he’ll cry. And we feel like we can handle that. It makes us feel needed and good, up to a point. And yes, we do get that. Tears are part of the hurt and pain and sadness he feels. But it’s the ANGER that’s making him DEPRESSED instead of just “sad.”
So – if you’re already involved with a depressed man, take a look at my Toxic Man program – that will teach you how to handle a man’s anger in a way that facilitates his healing, and makes intimacy between you possible – while honoring YOURSELF.