How To Deal With A Depressed Man

We’re talking about attracting and then rejecting “low-quality” men – or just men YOU don’t feel are good quality. And we’re talking about what to do with those men for PRACTICE (and perhaps even TRANSFORMING them) instead of passing on them and shutting them out the moment their bad qualities show up.

This answer is for Marplot, whose “crush” is depressed, and I know this is very, very common (especially with the economic turmoil right now – it particularly affects men, whose entire self-respect is often based on their ability to “provide) – so let me know if it helps you, too.

When you are depressed, you are NOT FEELING. Depression means you are close to NUMB. Sadness may come through, but the emotion that is most important to understanding and dealing with depression is ANGER.

When we feel ANGRY, and cannot bear the anger – either because of it’s force, or who we feel “inappropriately” angry at (like family and friends) – we stuff it down. For those of us who are trained by lifelong habit to go to depression when they feel angry (and this is usually because your family, school, culture, religion told you that anger is unacceptable and inappropriate) – the anger can build up over a lifetime into rage, and STILL not come to the surface.

Your depressed man is angry. He feels shame and guilt at feeling so angry. And that makes him even more angry. When you HELP a person who feels so angry and ashamed, you make them ANGRIER. You make them MORE depressed.

The way to deal with a depressed person is to be so in touch with your own feelings, so turning, morphing, riffing your sensations and feelings into loving ones toward yourself, so that you can feel MORE and MORE of your emotions instead of less and less, that you create an atmosphere of SAFETY around you for EVERYONE.

This is basically what it is to be a “guru.” To be so UNJUDGING of yourself that you are automatically not judging of anyone else. And, amazingly, you don’t have to be brilliant at this.

Just being aware of how you work inside, and knowing how to morph and turn and riff bad feelings into GOOD feelings without stuffing down the bad feelings, even just a TINY bit of this will shift your “vibe” so momentously that everyone around you will shift, too.

WARNING: When you create safety for a depressed man, which means being in touch with and able to express in Feeling Statements your OWN rage – he will begin to thaw.

And guess what the first feeling he’ll let loose will be? You guessed it – ANGER.

That means, if you’re with a depressed man, and you create safety for him by feeling comfortable with your own anger – you’re going to hear some anger coming from him.

He may all of a sudden explode. He may cut loose – instead of with a nasty ‘barb,” as angry depressed men often do (they often get ‘bitchy” along with “moody”) – with real life ANGER.

You may feel scared. You may feel defensive.

That’s why it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL for you to do the steps to get to Feeling Statements no matter what, to get to Power Speeches – to FEEL OKAY – no matter what’s going on (short of physical violence – get away from that instantly).

You’re going to need to be able to Trust Your Boundaries in the face of a man letting go of years and years of anger that has NOTHING to do with YOU.

So – for now, until you get really fluent in Strong Surrender – where you can drop all your defenses and just Stand There in your inner strength, feeling your feelings and expressing them, and leaving the room when it feels too bad..I suggest you stay away from a depressed man.

We all think that what we’ll get if we open up a man who’s depressed is sadness. We think he’ll cry. And we feel like we can handle that. It makes us feel needed and good, up to a point. And yes, we do get that. Tears are part of the hurt and pain and sadness he feels. But it’s the ANGER that’s making him DEPRESSED instead of just “sad.”

So – if you’re already involved with a depressed man, take a look at my Toxic Man program – that will teach you how to handle a man’s anger in a way that facilitates his healing, and makes intimacy between you possible – while honoring YOURSELF.

Love, Rori

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79 Comments to “How To Deal With A Depressed Man”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    sigh…
    what about a depressed woman?
    I’m guessing same process? I’m just now realizing how tense and terrified I feel when I see my mom looking depressed… and have felt this way since I was young…but she seems happier seeing me expressing my own feelings…

    Monday, 13 October 2008 @ 2:00pm

  2. 2: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    my guy just called to say.. lets have dinner tomorrow and talk… I said.. it feels good to talk to you and bad that we have not communicating after all we have been to each other. He says ,all is good. ! He loves me, nothing has changed… lets live together… I said.. if you feel that way.. why have you not been calling me like before.. he says he has been busy.. at work.. and I said.. You always have been busy but not too busy to call me. So please ,it would feel so good to have your honest feelings. Please don’t say things that you think will make me happy and not really mean them… It will be OK with the truth.
    He said… all is good.. and we will talk tomorrow.. I know I probably made many mistakes… I just have a man that only says good things… It does not feel authentic to me.
    I am very authentic with him.
    does any one know someone like this.. and why? why is he like this.? I know he is always home.. ad not with another women.. I know he is more female energy.. I dont feel loved any more by him… I just feel weird.. Like what is going on? Why is he like this.? Sure, I wish this to be true.. but why?
    Does he just not feel like a good man.. so he is saying the good man things.? I have not seen him in about 10 days.. so… I will be interested in how I feel when I see him tommorow night.. I guess I have to have a good power speech ready.. so he will know
    what I what. My head is spinning with feelings
    I have been dating alot.( doing all that I learned) .. and the calls are coming in all the time.. and one guy called me 9 times today..so all is going well. and I have lots more interesting men to meet.. but I have to believe that my guy is good enought
    and will step up.. and be the man he is talking about.. with action.. behind his words..
    I really want to listen to what has come down with him.. and why he has stayed away..
    and if he really convinces me. he is for real
    I am not interested in being a girl friend any longer.. how about that.. its real time for me.. and no more living together with out the ring..!! That will seperate the men from the boys.. correct !
    I can do that.. right! In fact… its perfect.

    See it all works.!!!. Thank you Rori..

    Rori… help me..!
    I have to lean back..
    I have to talk in feeling statements.
    I have to not blame him. or direct him. or
    believe lies !!! I have to say..
    it just has not felt like you love me.. lately.
    It does not feel that you have been interested
    in me.. or what I was feeling. or doing.

    Thanks Rori

    Linda

    Monday, 13 October 2008 @ 9:23pm

  3. 3: ClaraNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    From where to start? How could I summarize 16 years of pain ?
    I am now 42, I am not an American but I live in the States, and he in a different continent!

    To be brief , the nightmare / dream began in 1992, when I 1st met him,( let’s call him “Nate” ) and what happened?
    Well simply, when I read your own story and your experiences, it is as if I am reading mine, but I had only this one man for 16 years!
    Yes I was a crumb-taker, yes I was a stepping –stone, yes I was the understanding loving friend, yes I was out-going and strong willed, and thinking, like women do, that HE will realize how good I was, and he would love me as much as I loved him, in short I was even worse than this…I was his doormat!
    Sex was outstanding ( his own words) yes all of what you said is true, I was doing exactly as you have described the Imaginary Relationship, there was none, and he was so intoxicating !
    And like you said I was “precious and rare and a friend” alas a doormat too!

    I had to go through a surgery, during which month at the hospital, I knew that another woman came into his life . During his engagement period, he used to call me, and have phone sex with me !
    Yes I know, I used to think that he will realize again that he LOVES ME ! But…Devastation! In 1997 he married her! Depression and attempted suicide in 1998, 3 days in a coma and of course zero self-esteem…zero everything!
    I felt trampled on, humiliated, used and abused…I felt like a big fat zero, soulless, aimless, a worm ! My life was destroyed totally, lost my job, lost my self-respect, chronic depression you name it !

    6 months after his marriage, he calls me and says his wife was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and she is suicidal, again he wanted my comfort and of course wanted the “friend with benefits” ! I told him the truth about my feelings, that I was deeply in Love with him, and I cannot share him …and I ended this slavery!
    Still I was not over him !

    In 2002 I met my Husband (an American) on internet, a wonderful soul, a loving adoring husband, we got married in 2004, and we are having a blessed lovely marriage and a relationship, he is just like you describe, a real loving committed man, and I do love him!
    Still I was not over “Nate” ! Still he came back to haunt my mind!

    10 years passed with no communication whatsoever, until April 28, 2008. I receive an email from him, ( he took my email from a common friend) telling me that his life is a total mess, his wife is draining him of Everything including money, his marriage is a total failure, he cheated on her twice during 10 years of marriage, he’s got an 8 year old child, and he is going through a depression!

    I am afraid that my old habits awakened, my feelings and my love, every single sensation came back, I feel like a dam caving under the pressure of these emotional waters…
    He told me he never forgot me, that I was always with him, that he “Systematically” was thinking of me, but I know that he is emotionally unstable, he always told me he does not know what love is, he never was In Love, for him it is a question mark,
    He also told me that I am the only woman with whom he does not feel ( after sex) being empty, vain, and also being the only woman, for whom his desire is always ignited, unlike others !! I think he is emotionally unavailable, while he also says he wants to take care of his wife, amend for his mistakes, and during her hospitalization ( after 4 suicide attempts in these 7 months after our reconnection ) he said he wanted to be 100% there for her…though she does not love him anymore and she told him so- still together just for the sake of the child, and because financially they cannot afford the divorce and lawyers fees!! –
    And I am still unable to forget him, or to be ONLY a friend, and this sexual attraction, this Chemistry between us is still there, we talked on the phone, and to my utter shame, and disgust, I couldn’t resist him, and again we had phone sex :(

    I feel trapped, I feel disgusted with my weakness, I am still IN LOVE with this man !!!!
    I pray God and ask why I am not IN love with my husband ( he knows about Nate as Only a friend with marital problems ) whom I love so very much and want to stay with him, I love him, but…I feel like I am addicted to “Nate”…
    Pleaseeeeee help me …I am in the vicious circle again !

    I am so sorry for the long email, tried to make it brief but I think I failed,, hope you won’t discard it, I hope you can help me :(
    Sincerely,
    Clara.

    PS. I am unable to download your programs for the time being, due to financial problems, but I wait for your news letters, and devour them, but I hope I would be able to do so soon.
    Thank you Rori, thank you for helping us, God Bless you.
    ____________________________________________

    Sunday, 26 October 2008 @ 1:45pm

  4. 4: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    I consider you as an angel in my life. Just like I follow your blogs regularly, I follow Steve’s Pavlina’s blog too. I respect this man very much.

    I read his latest two blogs and suddenly I am thrown off. Its about relationships and I’d like to know your views about it. After reading those, I am sensing a fear inside me instead of self-confident.

    Here are the links:
    http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/12/2009-focus-intimate-relationships/

    http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/

    Looking forward to your views about this.

    Love,
    Tina

    Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 2:39pm

  5. 5: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tina – Thank you for the links. Okay – Polyamory. Huge, huge issue here. I know you like this guy, and he seems interesting, and yet I wanted to laugh.

    The friends I have – yes – several – who are living Polyamorously – are women. It feels like a WOMAN’S thing. And most of this is about women bringing other women into the marriage or relationship. Most often, the men go along for the ride, but are extremely confused on an emotional level.

    I also know of several folks in which there are two men (or more) and one women. What Steve can’t foresee is what it would look like if his wife, Erin, brought another man into the marriage. And my suggestion to Erin would be to – right now – this minute – be open to bringing men into the marriage. Yep. Circular Date, Circular Flirt. I can pretty much guarantee her (and him) that THAT is the shake up this marriage needs. In my experience – a “menage a trois” usually ends up with one pair bonding and the third being left out. Even if it’s a woman that the woman brings into the relationship. It can take a long time. And this might be the leap in personal growth that Steve is looking for – not the one he envisions.

    And what would happen if ERIN fell in love with someone else?

    The problem here is that Steve is not fundamentally still intrigued by his wife. She’s – according to him – completely “known.” He feels there’s nowhere else to go in the relationship, and that he’s overflowing with love and affection and needs more than one women to give it to – and you know what – I can see that!

    Realistically – is it possible for EVERY man to enjoy monogamy the way that almost ALL men do?

    Wow – this is getting long – I’m going to turn it into a post…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 5:05pm

  6. 6: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh – Yeah, Tina – I can feel the unease and ickyiness about even TALKING about this – so let me say – this guy Steve is not what you want. He’s unusual in ways that might be lovely – but they’re not much good for what most of US want.

    We all vibrate in certain ways. What he’s talking about is not a “player’s” mentality – it’s something else (and I am so totally AGAINST a man being vegan – it takes all the masculine vibe out of his cells).

    Just ignore this and do what we’re doing here. Stick with imagining what you want, and that’s what you’ll get. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 5:09pm

  7. 7: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks a lot for the advice Rori. That was very helpful. I have a personal question now. I did something stupid that I wasnt supposed to do. When I was with my boy friend two weeks ago, I overheard his conversation with his friends, without his knowledge. He broke up with me for that. He always breaks up with me. He just needs an excuse to break up. But he said, he likes to talk to me and be my friend.

    I told him that I cant be friends with him.

    He didnt treat me like the way he is supposed to treat me when he went on vacation. He didnt have time for me.

    On the New Year’s day, I was broken up by my boy friend. Its Awful. I remember you telling me about “Thinking big, big picture” in “Commitment blueprint”. Is it too late now?

    I never did circular dating before but I talked to this another guy today (doormat kind of guy who didnt even see me) but honestly, I am not interested in him. I talked to him few times last year but my boy friend warned me not to talk to him.

    Is it okay to talk to him now? Because even though my boy friend broke up with me he will not like it if he comes to know that I am talking to that guy.

    But he does things that I dont like anyway.

    Thanks,
    Tina

    Thursday, 1 January 2009 @ 7:43pm

  8. 8: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rory, l looked your comment to Steve and Erin situation and post. Honestly, after reading, what he said, l felt such an anger. As much as l tried to be “open minded” about this new theory of his, l think literally in any women DNA this kind of treament by her spouse or fiancee is not coded in. So l am looking for your full comment of this.
    p.s.to my opinion, l dont belive Erin is happy with it. very deep inside.

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 2:59pm

  9. 9: LinNo Gravatar says:

    I agree… its very disturbing…. Erin … throw his
    $ss in the river….. I feel Steve is a lucky man who ….does not appreciate what he has…. and Erin should power speech him and be honest..
    and bring him to his knees..!!!
    Lin

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 3:15pm

  10. 10: ClaraNo Gravatar says:

    Lin, Tina

    I did not even bother to continue readding Steve’s jibber-jabber, after the 1st paragraph, I mean really???? Give me a break !!!!
    He is trying to find the any ALIBI, to go out and have good times with women that is all, and because he does not want to feel guilty he is trying to convince his wife that it is alright and that he is what he is and connot change, if he really loves her, he SHOULD find a WAY to GIVE her all teh love that HE FEELS, otherwise he is just a SELFISH spoiled brat B@$tard !
    He needs to mature and be thankful for the lovely woman that did not kick him out of her life YET !!
    That is my opinion on his “I want the cake and I want to eat it ” !

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 3:52pm

  11. 11: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I had so much respect for him. After reading this thing, I jus’ feel horrible. Are all men that way? Where are the good men? Even if they are, why cant I have one of them.

    Tina

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 5:18pm

  12. 12: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    l popped another post of his blog, where he refferred someones book “10 reasons to leave your lifelong partner” and although l pay lot of respect of the authors etc, l did not like the way it was pointed out. If l should get married with this kind of fundamental basic, l would rather stay single.
    Tina, l belive not all men are like this, cos otherwize the theory of being the ONE would not exist. (l dont belive Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt would go out with such a statement, to give u an example, cos look how they cherish their wives)
    l would rather say Steve is one individual. l belive his (sexual) energy level is indeed higher and lm NOT saying that a man would not DREAM of it sometimes, but a regular mature man is far from getting it done, more over, getting it into PUBLIC, moreover, getting it done in a public, while MARRIED. in Steves case giving role models like this is OK to do it, is actually not OK!
    l noticed his words n his post where he describe himself being “disconnected” from Erin because of that desire. What a bad place to be for her.
    ld reccommend to stick to Roris theory. And else, if you know Christian Carter, who Rori also cooperates with, you see that Christian talks a lot about stuff from male point of wiew, which is that (almost) every men secretly years meet and have The One.

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 5:56pm

  13. 13: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Maria. I feel lot better. I am bringing myself back to the bridge everytime I feel upset, needy or obsessed.

    And with the support of all you wonderful people, I know this new year will be great for me. :)

    Monday, 5 January 2009 @ 7:38pm

  14. 14: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    My boyfriend came back from vacation after breaking up with me on New year’s day on phone.

    He started behaving as if everything was normal. I refused his offer to go down and meet him.

    I asked him if he wanted long term committed relationship with me or if this is temporary again.

    He said he likes me very much and wants to have me around “whenever he feel like” but then he gets a vibe of not being happy together in the long run.

    I said, in that case there is nothing for us to even communicate. Then he said I am free to do whatever I want to and he would let go.

    Its really hard. I cant believe I did this. Deep down I miss him terribly. My yucky feelings are coming up. I wanna catch him, mold him, make him and make me like me but that doesn’t work.

    Now what do I do Rori? Please write something.

    Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 10:28am

  15. 15: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Tina,

    I hope Rori does find your post here… if not maybe you can post under the most current blog?

    I feel concerned when I read your post.

    I am pretty sure she would say to Circular Date.

    Love,

    Daria

    Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 1:51pm

  16. 16: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria. I’d post it under new current blog. I feel a creepy pain in my stomach when I think about this.
    Once again, thanks for your advice.

    Tuesday, 13 January 2009 @ 2:44pm

  17. 17: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – could we have a post on Men & Money? I know you refer to it in Reconnect and I found this post helpful too. My man has lost his job and he’s being bitchy now and then etc. I’m doing ok, your stuff is really working for me. I’d love to know more about Strong Surrender. I feel lonely although he’s around on a daily basis, and he sees I’m ok if there’s an urgent need (like taking me to the doctor). But I feel so frustrated at him too. It’s like he’s become the girl, and I don’t want to be the boy. I don’t know how to handle his occasional bitchy comments – they hurt, so I take that as a push away. Sometimes my instinct says ‘let it go’, sometimes it says ‘say something’. I find myself feeling angry so I’ve switched focus to me, but it would feel great just to have a bit of ‘background knowledge’ too. There must be many men going through this at the moment.

    Wednesday, 14 January 2009 @ 4:40pm

  18. 18: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    PS something very interesting is also happening – other men (mostly exes, actually) are turning up in masculine mode! So far this week I’ve had advice on handling a situation with my 20yr old son and the offer of a listening ear regarding my sister who is seriously ill. Another would help me with house repairs but I don’t feel comfortable about him actually being here, however the offer feels great.

    Wednesday, 14 January 2009 @ 5:01pm

  19. 19: meNo Gravatar says:

    You will be happy to know Steve has just written an article, now changing his stance a little bit…now it’s fine to just have casual sex with no emotional attachment…just for fun. Ha ha!

    And to think I looked up to him, he’s gone bonkers!

    http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/steve-pavlina/27809-conscious-sexuality-blog.html

    Friday, 23 January 2009 @ 8:26am

  20. 20: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if anyone will read this… it’s such a long way from the front page… which feels kind of nice and quiet too, a space to reflect…

    We’re getting through, I feel happy and proud of myself, and of him too. After I commented above, I found a couple of posts on here that helped some way toward what I was asking. (It felt wierd not getting any response, and I didn’t expect one… and that’s another issue of mine, around getting help, being afraid and guilty if I do get it… working through this on here).

    Being truthful – what’s the truth? sifting through my feelings… fear, anger, insecurity… processing and riffing on here, so my responses to him are truly congruent and not dumping on him, yet not hiding or short-changing myself. Learning to stand aside and to turn to my joys… trust him (I find it hard to trust men, correction – I am starting to trust the man I am in a relationship with… no, I trust him MOSTLY… I am giving myself time to LEARN trustfeelings and discover the painful barnicles that pop up, and the GREAT JOY).

    Sometime I feel like I’m pulling teeth in rusty cart on a gravel road! Have to stay for the ride, it’s the only way.

    I can’t believe how close we’ve become, it’s fabulous! And great sex too… blush…

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 4:58pm

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Aww heartbeat that is so cute! I feel like I am smiling from ear to ear!

    HUGS!

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:02pm

  22. 22: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria! You found me! Big hugs, that’s so sweeeet :) :)

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:19pm

  23. 23: GayleNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Everybody,

    Ok…I bought the book, I read it and tried my best to implement the ‘I feel…’ technique when communicating with my guy. Not working!! Heres the story…..

    Started dating this man a year after my husband passed away. We hit it off immediately. The first date never really ended. From the beginning, I made it clear that I was not going to be part of a line of women in and out of his life. If he was not looking a solid relationship, we should not continue, as this is not what I wanted and needed from a man. (He is 37 and has never been with a women for more than a year). He has his house, I have mine, but we have lived together in both homes since day 1 for the past 1.8 years. He talked about selling his house as “His home was wherever I was”. There had been a couple of squabbles, and a short week break up early on. Things return to great. about 4 months later he starts getting very distant, not affectionate at all anymore and starts talking about needing to ‘go out with the guys’ and ‘needs his space’. He’s not the bar type, he’s talking about ‘fishing and hunting type stuff’. Up to this point, I was the one he wanted to go with..along with his friends. But ok..fine, go do your ‘guy thing’. (He has never once since telling me that actually done it). He moved back to his house for about a month. We started talking and going to dinner. I started to understand that he needed time to think and was getting ok with it, when he gradually starts moving his stuff back in. He was back at my house for less than a month and things were actually worse. When I recently expressed that I was feeling neglected and unloved, had been for some time and that if this was what our relationship was going to be, that I did not want to spend my life upset or questioning his feelings for me. He initial reaction was anger. The next day, he apologized for the way he had been acting, told me he loved me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Literally 15 minutes later, he announces he loves me but no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and that it was time for him to go. He moved his stuff out right then and there. In fairness, I know there has been a tremendous amount of stress on him. He returned to college, quit his fulltime job to do so and had a hard time finding a parttime job to pay the bills, but has done so. He also felt it necessary to quit drinking, (he is not a heavy drinker unless things are really bad as they have been for him.)

    I have no idea what to think. Family and friends seem to think he will be back down the road. I am not so sure about that and not so sure I could ever trust him with my heart again. The back and forth has severely damaged my trust in him. I am not 100% devastated as I was somewhat expecting this for awhile. I am more disappointed and confused.

    I am truly hoping you readers can shed some light.

    Sincerely,

    Gayle

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:57pm

  24. 24: GayleNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Everybody,

    Sorry, new to this and trying to figure out how to see responses to the above message.

    Sincerely,

    Gayle

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 1:45pm

  25. 25: LinNo Gravatar says:

    To Linda,
    I remember a long time ago… you posted to me that it seemed we were dating the same man….. and now reading your post for Oct 13,2008….. I understand why you say that !!
    My guy does the same thing… say everything I what to hear..! along with no seeing any other women ! I am so wondering where your relationship is at … today ? we have the same issues… may be we are the only women in the world with the same…. personality types as boyfriends…. I have said the same thing as you have….. lets put our heads together.!!

    Lin

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 5:14am

  26. 26: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Gayle…. I feel so bad you are going through
    this… in your relationship. This just seems to be something he is going through…. and its very hard on you… I feel you should accept that
    he says.. he does not want a relationship any more with you… of course you deserve a reason .. I would think…. and then you should
    date date date…..
    of course if it were me .. I would be crying every day… It does not seem like you did anything wrong.. so maybe he just is not the one… ? What do you think ?
    Lin

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 5:21am

  27. 27: GayleNo Gravatar says:

    Lin,

    Thanks for the response.

    What do I think? I don’t have a clue what to think except that I feel like I was hit by a train. I have no other alternative but to accept it. At 43 years old, you just don’t have the energy to keep starting over with the next moron. I think it will be quite a while before I even think about dating. I have never really felt comfortable with the whole dating thing anyway. Maybe I’m just lazy!

    Again, thank you for the insight.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 3:22pm

  28. 28: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Gayle,
    I understand…. its not easy… at 43…. to start over…. your angry… and I would be angry also….. did you give him a power speech telling him.. just how you feel… .. and then wait for his response…. ?
    my heart goes out to you…..
    Lin

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 4:25pm

  29. 29: GayleNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lin,

    Yep! I gave him the power speech, right after I asked him to finish up his moving for the day. His happy go lucky attitude was more than I could take at the moment. Before I completely exploded, I thought it better that he just leave and we’d deal with the rest of his stuff at a later date. (When I was not so emotional). Maybe he heard what I said, maybe not. I guess I am still waiting for his response. I am in the ‘No Contact Zone’, where I plan to stay, at least until I feel able to deal with him rationally and not feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I may never feel that way, but I will be forced to deal with him at some point. Better it is on civil terms than emotionally charged.

    Gayle

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:05am

  30. 30: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Gayle, I completely understand….. I would feel the same anger… the same… out of my mind
    anger… with the guy….!!

    If its any consultation…. which I know it wont help…. I am in late 50’s… and alot of those guys.. you know the type… cant completely commit… guys… are now… in there middle 60’s…. and begging for a real girlfriend to love and marry… for real…. Cause.. they woke up..
    and see there older brothers… sick.. and see that their wife’s… are taking loving care of them…. and now they see.. and can actually understand…. what love and commitment is all about… they want it now… and NOW… they want it NOW !! and they told me this on the second date !!! I run like heck… when this is said to be.. on the second date…. I feel… wow
    this guy must of gotten bad news at the doctors office… and now they want love… and loving care… NOW. Before this… they were players…. and they were the hot… guys that left a string of broken hearts…
    I really feel you are doing the right things with your guy…. making him leave… cause you were so angry…
    Its hard to imagine…. that your guy.. just had a change of heart.. and did not want the relationship any more… like we are disposable objects.. ? and How can he be happy go lucky…. about it all.. !!
    I am afraid I would want to hurt him… emotionally…. !! also… !!

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:29am

  31. 31: GayleNo Gravatar says:

    Lin,

    Now that made me laugh! Pretty bad when the only time a man wants a women is when he NEEDS a nurse!

    It is hard to believe that he just ‘changed his mind’. I think alot of his actions are from depression. He has every classic symptom of such. But still, sick in the head or not, he broke my heart. I will never be able to trust him with it again.

    And yes, I feel like I want to hurt him. Sometimes physically and sometimes emotionally. However, I think he will do both to himself given enough time. He will be that 60 something man looking for a nurse!

    Gayle

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:47am

  32. 32: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Gayle, not all men just want women when they need a nurse… only the player types.
    pretty sad…… I will get back to you later..
    keep laughing… its good for you
    Lin

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 10:03am

  33. 33: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I am in a similar situation. My ex was depressed when we broke up and I did everything wrong. I kept trying to help him. Called his doctors demanding they do things for him that he felt they weren’t and eventually he withdrew completely from me. He told me he didn’t want to burden me with his problems. Trouble is I too have negative patterns of behavior that had been affecting the relationship. I was needy, clingy and controlling. I had low self-esteem so I thought that my only way to be worthy of love was to put others needs before my own, to make others problems mine and when I could not live up to my own high expectations, I got angry at the people around me whom I believed should have been doing more. I overwhelmed myself to the point that despite all my efforts I couldn’t help anyone and left myself feeling like a complete failure. I was afraid to be too intimate because I was afraid to be vulnerable so sure I would be let down. And now I have cleared my plate so to speak. I am no longer self-destructive and I want to implement your plan of showing that to my ex so that he can open up to me and let go of his anger. Do you have any suggestions on how I can do this? I had not contacted him for about 3 months now. I wanted to get myself to a place where I did not repeat this negative behaviors before I contacted him again. He has however not spoken to me since we broke up about 5 months ago and he is still angry. Every time I run into him I can see the anger in his face and I want to be able to be someone he can open up to. I am sure though he won’t call because my behaviors in the past left him feeling inferior. Can you help me please?

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:59am

  34. 34: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I cannot unfortunately afford your program right now but am in desperate need of help.

    Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. At least something to get him to give me a chance and open the lines of communication. I thought about maybe sending a card apologizing for my negative behavior without expecting an apology to show him that I have changed and maybe inspire him to do the same. Sort of an olive branch, so to speak. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 8:04am

  35. 35: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, first – Brava to you for being able to see what’s going on with you so clearly and for doing the work to change direction…seems to me that since you actually run into him…he’s going to see how different you are. If you’re happy and have lots of great things going on in your life…that will shine through your face and your vibe…I don’t know that you have anything to apologize for except for overfunctioning…but if you feel like that’s a good heart-to-heart way to speak, then go ahead. Next time you see him, say “I’m sorry.” He may or may not respond. You can also say, “I feel your anger, and I’m sorry. Can we talk?” The thing is –if he’s still depressed –wouldn’t you be doing better for yourself to really Circular Date and get yourself a man who has the energy to care for YOU? Love, rori

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 10:15am

  36. 36: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    I feel like I’m in a very difficult position. My (relatively new) boyfriend has a situation I know nothing about (yes I know “boyfriend-trap,” but I’m only 23).

    My boyfriend doesn’t have a family It’s actually quite a sad, horrible story. His parents abandoned him when he was a baby and was raised by his grandpa (who from what I’ve heard, was a very kind loving man…who died two years ago). He has no relationships with his parents due to the horrifying abuse experienced over the years (neglect and violence – at one point later in life his mother racked up huge credit card debt in his name (~$900,000) and the last time he saw his dad two years ago they got into a fist fight). He grew up with some very close friends who died in a car crash a few years ago. He has no siblings and the only other living relative he has is his dad’s brother who is also quite a pathetic asshole. Oh, and all this happened in Ireland, where he grew up. He is now in the states and has been here for 3 years.

    And now my family….I have this huge, loving family (which I have come to cherish even more as a gift after learning the things my bf went through).

    And now, it’s the holiday season. My parents and siblings know about his family situation so (naturally) we don’t want him to be alone. I’ve asked him to go and he said he felt very uncomfortable about large family get-togethers and declined [insisting he has actually like spending it alone…playing video games and ordering take-out (that’s what him and his grandpa used to do together on holidays)]. Understandable (because of his family situation and us being such a new couple) but part of this uncomfortability definitely comes when any new significant other meets the family.

    Thank god for his angel of a grandpa who taught him what love is and raised a truly resilient, wonderful man (he’s not depressed…at least not showing any extreme classical signs of it). And he does have very close friends now that are very supportive and he has great, very normal relationships with. And our relationship is a very blooming, wonderful one. I deliver feeling messages and he is very responsive, affectionate and enjoys meeting my needs. (Not to mention such a babe and makes me laugh uncontrollably constantly).

    I know we are supposed to go through a man’s heart. But this heart-wrenching story is something I cannot ignore wanting to give a piece of my kindness for. I want to show him what a real loving family is like.

    I told him this, and what he revealed to me feels like he doesn’t understand what a loving family is. Like he didn’t have hope in it because he’s had such bad experiences: went to a friend’s house for a family party and there was a fist fight and it made him feel awkward, feels like family members are cruel to one another (whispering insulting things under their breath), feels like he doesn’t belong and ESPECIALLY because it’s always awkward when they find out he doesn’t have a family. He’s afraid people will either feel sorry for him or think he’s weird or something.

    Now, the feeling like he doesn’t belong part is something every new significant other goes through when meeting the family, you can understand and deal with if you have a family. Just because things get difficult doesn’t mean you ignore them and choose not to be a part of them. Part of being in a family means you go through those things and you stick with it.

    But the other parts, about being weird about people asking about his family (my relatives specifically) it’s going to make him feel bad.

    I feel bad that I pushed it on him (because I asked/talked to him about it twice) because he might be able to handle it if it happens slowly (Christmas is like the biggest family time of the year…maybe low-key times will be better). I also want to show him that this is a part of my life [and we are not cruel (well not ALL the time jk) to each other] and that this is a big part of what makes me, me. I also feel that I really don’t want him to be alone (he has said before that he is uncomfortable with holidays…and said something on his facebook status about hating the holidays). Even though he says he likes being alone, I don’t 100% believe him. I just don’t think he wants to admit it. That’s how I feel, but I also feel like this is a very sensitive subject that I don’t know anything about what it was like growing up for him so I don’t want to push him if it really hurts him.

    Any thoughts/comments/words of guidance?

    Love,
    Katie

    Thursday, 17 December 2009 @ 9:18am

  37. 37: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Katie – stop pushing. Let him do what he wants. Trying to talk a man into anything is a losing proposition. It’s damaging all the way around. And – sorry – but I don’t think this is just about kindness. You FEEL compassionate and sad – but this is about YOU. You want to introduce him to your family, you want him to be DIFFERENT…you want to make change…this is controlling, manipulating – and, please stop it. You and he, if this works, will create NEW traditions for the two of you, and your family will slowly become a part of that. Just drop it. Love, Rori

    Friday, 18 December 2009 @ 4:04pm

  38. 38: KCNo Gravatar says:

    Dear all great ladies here,
    I experienced being with the man Jamie Connell I love for 3 years even now he is still running in my head everyday.
    We met in Shanghai in 2006 Oct and felt in love at the first sight. He had stress from work, he was running his own bar business and it wasn’t good. He found another jobs bar related and he felt he had to change his job from midnight to daytime. Our relationship was going ups and downs. I understood his situation so accepted all these. He now left Shanghai and is working in Thailand 1 year ago. My company sent me to Guangzhou last Oct. I should say it helps me to take a break from Shanghai and the memories with him. You know after 1 year, he is not still running in my head.
    I really love him and I understand him for some aspects also after being in some relationships in my life and the prospective to life. I should not say it first: I want to be with him in my rest of life.
    Right now we are still on each others skype and bring me happiness when I see him on at work. No longer be angry or suspicisiou he is with other women when he is not on skype. My head is not painful with I am thinking he is with another woman. Just a bit sad about us.
    I hope everyone give me any suggestions in my situation.

    Have a nice day

    Katherine Cheng

    Saturday, 29 May 2010 @ 3:23am

  39. 39: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    KC, Welcome, and you sound so sweet and lovely…I’m so sorry this didn’t work out for you – at least for now, and so glad that you’re able to detach from him a bit. As you get more of a social life and start seeing other men…this will all get clear for you. Sometimes we’ll never forget a man – and there’s no point in trying to. Just keep him in your heart and let other men in there, too – until one takes a much bigger space in there. You can hold a tremendous amount of love inside your heart… Love, Rori

    Sunday, 30 May 2010 @ 12:22am

  40. 40: JamieNo Gravatar says:

    I am so happy to find this message.. I love you too Katherine. It never stopped.

    Wow I feel like im walking on air!

    Thank you Rori for your help to people… Maybe you can ask your brother to make a site for guys?! : )

    Tuesday, 6 July 2010 @ 5:52am

  41. 41: KCNo Gravatar says:

    Jamie, there are nice articles which guys can also find them here. When I read all great articles here or any blog or facebook, I really want to share with you coz it has been being a good company and self education since I am in Guangzhou. Like the first motivation led me to this topic how to deal with a depressed man. That actually dragged me back to the life you had in Shanghai, I was the closest person involved them with you. What I
    I wrote our story with the full names on for leaving the message in this life and I didn’t share this emotional secret to any of friends, the happiness brought me, Rori’s reply and I appreciate Rori a lot.
    Glad to hear you are touched!

    Katherine

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 8:51am

  42. 42: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori & Ladies

    I would love some help.

    My Best Friends hubby is depressed, and they have recently stopped socializing with my family, my girlfriend has stopped wanting to catch up, won’treturn phone calls or text messages..

    I found out today that he has told a male friend of mine that he is scared of me.. He is scared that i will be upset if he won’t allow his wife to do things with me..

    I feel so upset that this is how he feels. I have not had ago at him about his wife at all..

    But she is keeping away from me which really hurts my feelings. this is a 15 year friendship..

    i do not understand..

    I just want my girlfriend back, coffee and cake every now and then, and the odd movie together.. and its nice to do it kid free sometimes..

    He has been getting angrier for months now..
    he hates minding/looking after his own kids..
    he hats having to be interrupted when he is having leisure time..
    he complains about everything and throw tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way..

    I do not know how to deal with this… she is staying away from me , maybe because he has made up stories of things i have said, and she believes them, or she doesn’t want to cause any more friction in the house..

    how do i deal with this..

    i am so upset about this..

    what right does he have to say this about me, to our circle of friends

    Thursday, 3 March 2011 @ 8:06am

  43. 43: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Relationship Advice for Women | Dating, Marriage and Relationship AdviceExpert Advice on Love and

    Helpful Hints to a Successful Relationship
    1. Without quality time together, your relationship will not survive. Aim to devote at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when the two of you spend time exclusively together.

    2. You both want to feel secure within the relationship. A successful relationship is built on compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you.

    3. Often those little things that first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Learn to love your partner, warts and all. Don’t try to change them into something they’re not, after all you fell in love with them just the way they were.

    4. Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. For the relationship to work, you need to address your finances and maybe even work out a budget.

    5. Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Just remember, the one good thing they say about arguing, is the making up afterward.

    Relationship Advice for Women | Dating, Marriage and Relationship AdviceExpert Advice on Love and RelationshipsHome
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    For A Successful Relationship – Use These Hints
    6. Communication is vital to all successful relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgment. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.

    7. Sort out your sex life, it may start to go downhill over the years, but for a successful relationship, don’t just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more sex than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your sex life out of the bedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.

    8. Try to keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell your partner how much you need them, but don’t get to dependent on them and cling to them all the time, as that can make your partner feel trapped. On the flip side of this, don’t allow your partner to think you don’t need them, by going or doing things without them. Try to keep a happy and healthy balance between the two.

    A Successful Relationship Has a Balance of Dependence and Independence
    9. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, and feel the trust can never be regained then give yourself, and him a break and start again, with someone new.

    10. Don’t ever think that going to counseling is a sign of a failed relationship. It can turn a bad relationship around and can also turn an average relationship into an excellent one. More and more people are turning to counseling today; it shows you are both prepared to try and make things better, which can’t be a bad thing at all.

    The fact remains, that whether you’re dating or married, a successful relationship is hard to build and maintain. It takes 100% commitment from both of you. However, healthy and long-lasting relationships are achievable and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that you sometimes do that can go a long way to creating your successful relationship.

    Marriage is different from dating for one important reason – you’re INVESTED in the relationship’s success. You can’t just “walk out” when there’s a problem and find another man – you’re invested in working things out (even if you’re too angry or turned off to care, you’re STILL “invested.”) Jeffrey Mark Levine can help you turn things around, bring the juice back, and open up your husband so he can partner with you to create your successful relationship, and be the husband and the father to your children you want -«

    Thursday, 3 March 2011 @ 8:49am

  44. 44: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    link for above
    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/for-a-successful-relationship-use-these-hints/2/

    Thursday, 3 March 2011 @ 8:50am

  45. 45: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Well the man who doesn’t like me – had the hide to turn up to my place tonight to hang out with the rest of the guys and he has inform them that he’s scared of me..

    why would he come to my house.

    Why do men let other people bag their lady.

    I want to go down stairs and tell him to get out..
    he didn’t speak to me or acknowledge me.. in MY home,…

    Saturday, 5 March 2011 @ 2:28am

  46. 46: needingadviceNo Gravatar says:

    Wondering if you have any advice for me. After 18 years, my marriage is on the rocks. I’m married to a wonderful man who has always been committed to me and our children. We’ve always been best friends and lovers, and we’re always touchy-feely and have always done everything together -to the point that our friends tease us about acting like we were still kids but that didn’t bother us. I have worked at the same job for 22 years and I work around mostly men, many of which I consider my best friends. My husband has always been the jealous type, so all these years it’s just been a general rule of mine that I don’t talk about work or the people I work with and I’m okay doing that. Now for the problem – from the end of 2009 through June 2010, my husband and I experienced tremenduous heartache, ranging from the deaths of several close family members and devestating and terminal medical illnesses of other family members and friends. During the same time, I had an disagreement with my parents that resulted in us not speaking for several months. I was very depressed on the inside, however I tried to maintain an “I’m doing okay” appearance on the outside. However, I soon became distant from my family, friends and my husband. When he noticed my distance, he began hoovering over me, questioning every move I made and more jealous than ever before. His behavior angered me because I had never given him one reason to question my loyalty to him and our marriage. He demanded my cell phone records and even resorted to having me followed, and this made me even angrier. Several times I felt as if he was having me followed but never knew for sure until one night last June. My husband was out of town and I had go to my office. On my way there, I noticed a truck following me. When I got to my office, the truck parked in a parking lot next to my building. When I went inside my office, a male fellow co-worker was standing in the lobby so I ask him to drive me in his vehicle to the parking lot to see if I could find out who was following me. When we got there, the truck was gone. I was crying and upset and so we rode for about 15 minutes while I gathered my sanity and then he took me back to the office. When my husband returned from his trip, he questioned me about leaving my office with a man and I responded with a question “Why do you ask, did you have me followed?” and he replied “no”, so I followed his lie by lying myself and said no, that I didn’t leave my office with anybody. My husband vowed to never bring it up again and to try and stop all the questions, etc. We got along great for the next 2 months. During this time, I was executor of my aun’t estate sale and was preparing for the auction. I was showing the land, home and personal contents to people who wanted to see it before the sale. One morning after getting to work, the same male co-worker (who took me looking for the truck that followed me) called and ask to see and an old collector Mustang that was going to be auctioned and I told him I could meet him at my break and show it. Which is all I did, met him, showed him the property and left. Well guess what? I was still being followed, so within 5 minutes of leaving the property, I was being questioned by my husband about being with this man a second time. So, now my husband is convinced that I was having an affair with the man which is the fartherest from the truth. He doesn’t accept the fact that I’m friends with this person, or any other male for that matter, and now he is bringing up things that I have done or said over our entire marriage and he questions our whole marriage. Bottom line is, I never in a million years would have met that man, or any man, alone anywhere if I’d given a thought to it that my husband wouldn’t approve, but I knew there wasn’t anything but friendship between us so I never hesitated. I should have given thought to how it might look or how I would feel if my husband did the same thing but I didn’t and I’m so disappointed in myself at times that I could die. My husband and I have not seperated over it, but we have had many arguments over it. It’s been almost 7 months since the “blow-up” and things are alot better now but he doesn’t trust me or believe anything I say and that’s killing me. I don’t feel that he looks at me the same as he used to and he’s certainly not as affectionate at he used to be. We’re making it, but I don’t know how much more I can take. He analyzes everything I’ve ever done or said and turns “nothing” into “something” and that’s hard to defend when sometimes I don’t even remember the things he’s talking about. I know I caused his heartache, distrust, and etc. but I didn’t do the things that he’s accusing me of and I feel that I’ve been punnished long enough for something I didn’t do. I wish I could shake a magic wand and this would all go away, or that I could hit the delete button and make it disappear. Any suggestions about what might help us? I don’t get positive feedback about marriage counseling so I’m pretty set against that.

    Thursday, 31 March 2011 @ 2:05pm

  47. 47: JohnNo Gravatar says:

    From the looks at these comments, some of you females only concern about YOURSELVES and YOUR feelings! Do me a favor, stay single and don’t have friends because you cannot handle dealing with other people.

    Wednesday, 18 May 2011 @ 5:10am

  48. 48: AntimatterNo Gravatar says:

    Agreeing with John…the problem with a vast majority of females these days is when it comes to “helping the opposite sex”…it ultimately turns down to helping themselves feeling better. And by doing that, a lot will tend to abandon the men they were supposed to help in the first place.

    Don’t get me wrong Rori, your advice really helps…its just that the way people misinterpret your teachings seems to be another obstacle. Perhaps your could, signify in detail on HOW to get in touch with ones feelings so that it benefits others?

    Thursday, 21 July 2011 @ 10:48am

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Antimatter – in my case it required a perception change : that getting in touch with my feelings and expressing the truth of the feeling naturally benefits others.

    That along with speaking and acting with respect: non attacking non blame and non judgement. Not imposing by chasing a man.

    Thursday, 21 July 2011 @ 11:05am

  50. 50: SuzNo Gravatar says:

    Rory, I have followed your wonderful advice and finally, after a dozen years of dating wrong men following my divorce (not the marrying kind) I am engaged to a wonderful guy in his 50s.

    However, I just learned he wants me to sign a pre-nup, because he stands to inherit family money, which he wants to go 100% to his kids. I pointed out that he’s asking me to give up my home, move my children, share his debt, increase my mortgage as we’ll need a bigger home (he has 5 kids), etc… and I would expect to at least get a small percentage of that. If he runs up a bunch of bills and takes off on me, or dies, I get stuck with half his debts and no trust fund. I’m too old to return to the workforce once I stop working to be with him, which he’d like me to do in a year or 2. So for now, I am focusing on my career and planning a wedding, and have not agreed to sign; he suggests we see a lawyer together and feels badly about the whole thing. But am I wrong in that pre-nup is unfair and very one-sided? Or do I just sign it and trust that he’ll see that I’m taken care of, as I would him? I’ve gotten screwed being so naiive in the past ;)

    Friday, 22 July 2011 @ 10:42am

  51. 51: jheartNo Gravatar says:

    I have a clinically depressed ex who stays in touch a couple times a week. He dumped me when I had just lost my job, said he didn’t have the capacity to give me what I needed at the moment. A couple weeks later I found out about the depression, studied it so that I could understand it, and now I am essentially free therapy for him, and we are just friends until he has the capacity for something more. I made it clear that I love him and the friend stuff will have to end eventually, but he begs me to ‘not give up on him’.

    Between the breakup and the reconnect, his therapist advised him to try internet dating so that he could have some casual conversations and feel normal occasionally. I also joined match as a way to circular date, raise my self esteem and forget about him.

    We have spent so many hours on the phone and emailing, but only one visit. During a particularly lonely time for him, he asked for some pictures of me. It quickly led to some pretty revealing photos being traded between us. He is very conservative and this surprised me, but also got me excited that the relationship may be getting back on track. Later he told me that he was emotionally unable to experience intimacy, and that his animal instincts still work, but he is devoid of feeling an attachment to anyone.

    We were in an email conversation that was quickly turning sexual once again, and I mentioned that I was very turned on by him, very attracted to him, but he would need to use his imagination beyond this point. I said, ‘you are still on match and I don’t share’.

    His response? ‘Take care’. Haven’t heard from him since.

    I did not intend to offer an ultimatum, in my mind, I was establishing a boundary. It hurt when he said he couldn’t feel an attachment to anyone, knowing that it was my pictures that got him off previously. I thought I was special because we had a great and promising relationship before he fell into his clinical depression. I understand the numbness of this depression and the antidepressants, but am not willing to be an object for his sexual desire when I’m not getting anything in return.

    Did I do or say something wrong? I don’t want to waste my sensuality or my deliciousness on a man who is active on a dating site, however conversational it may be. ( He claims he has only had one date, for coffee, that lasted about 30 minutes, otherwise it’s just emails).

    My gut tells me that this is a sign that his internet activity is far more important to him than he has previously admitted. And that he’s just not that into me, but appreciates the free therapy and boosts in self esteem that I give him. My heart still loves him and wants the relationship back when he comes out of his depression. I’ve never met anyone like him and think we could have a great future together.

    Lean back? Wait and see? Let him miss you and realize your value? Contact him and explain what I meant? HELP!!!!!

    Tuesday, 16 August 2011 @ 5:24am

  52. 52: Monica MortonNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I have been receiving your newsletters since the spring of 2011. I have spent the last 7 months in a committed relationship with a man whom I suspect is Toxic. I broke the cardinal rule and relocated to his city to be with him, and we currently live together, sleep in the same bed, but for the last 2 months he has flipped and flopped over himself. He wants me one week, not the next. He loves me, but he doesn’t know what he wants. We both had recently been divorced (mine was final in April of this year, and his in June). Now I’m here, I have a good job, but I know so few people here. I moved here to for him, and know he doesn’t know what he wants. I love him, and he says he loves me. I feel lost and alone. Help.

    Saturday, 12 November 2011 @ 11:28am

  53. 53: FloNo Gravatar says:

    Rori i need you help. I have been with a guy for almost 3 years now on and off. I have always forgiven him for everything little thing he does though i do not forget. Now the problem is he is becoming a man and feels under pressure to really make it life and all. All he thinks of is moving in with me and having kids when all i want is the traditional way of doing things. I want to finish my education first then maybe start thinking of moving in with him when he gives me the promise with an engagement ring. I told him that about a month ago and now he has completely shut down he is ever depressed does not answer my calls. And when he does its less than a minutes and lies by saying he is going to call me back. I end up sending him angry texts and cursing him and i know that drives him mental but for him he goes silent and im the one who ends up talking to deaf ears. All i want to know is this stress thing and ignoring the person you claim to love and is willing to help and he pushes me away. What is the point of him pushing me away i know he is not cheating definately and he says he wants to do it all himself, upreciates my wanting to help but he doesnt want it. He want to do it all himself. Is he just lying to me and is this a way of saying we are done but does not want to hurt me or is this how guys genuinely deal with issues in their lives, oush people who want to help away.

    Wednesday, 28 December 2011 @ 5:53pm

  54. 54: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    Seeking your advice. I just ended a two year long distance exclusive relationship. This man was married for 24 years until his wife died of breast cancer. They did not have children. We work for the same company and I initially met him when we sat beside each other at a conference several months before his wife died. A year later he contacted me on a work related matter and we talked. A few months after that I ran into him again through work and agreed to see him. Although a long distance relationship, he flew me in every weekend to see him. I went there mainly because he traveled so much during the week. After several visits with him, he asked me to see him exclusively and I agreed as long as he did the same and would be honest if he no longer wanted to see just me. He promised he would never lie to me. We had a great relationship, enjoying every weekend together because we had so much in common. We seldom argued or disagreed. He showered me with gifts and flowers the first year. Things seem to change during the second year. One weekend when we were not together he told me he was incredibly depressed, he had laughed and cried and that he wasnt ready for marriage but he would be my friend until the day he died. After reading your book, I realize now, I should have ran and ended the relationship then but I didnt. I did all the wrong things trying to get his attention. I was falling in love and he showed no emotions towards me. I made excuses that he was not over his late wife. Although I know he cared deeply for me, the only emotion he shared was that he missed me when we were not together. He always referred to me as his friend not his girlfriend. Just before the holidays after being together 25 months, I learned a whole different side of this man. He had online dating accounts for casual sex and was having sex with many different women. He even bragged about being with the same girl as his nephew in the same night which totally made me sick to my stomach. After I learned this, I asked him if he was seeing anyone besides me or having casual sex with other women. He looked me dead in the eye and told me no. I left early that weekend and left him a note on his bed letting him know how hurt and disappointed I was that he had lied to me resulting in ending the relationship and we both spent the holidays alone. I also told him he had kept me from my hearts desires by decieving me all this time. About two hours after I left, he texted me and told me he was sorry for being incredibly disrespectful and stupid and that he was sorry that he was selfish and if he had hurt me in anyway. I have not seem him since that day which has been over a month ago; however, he still text me and has called me. I have only talked to him on the phone three times and the last time was last week. After reading your book, I asked him “feeling” questions and for the first time he somewhat opened up to me and told me he was feeling depressed and start to cry and told me he had to go. The next day he text me and said he was feeling sad so when I asked him why, he told me his dad was in the hospital, he didnt want to lose him, he wanted more good days with him, he was missing his mom, his wife, his dog (all of which have died) and that he was missing me, feeling depressed, he had hurt me and spent the holidays alone. I was really lost for words because this was the first time in two years he had opened up to me and told me anything that was on his heart. After reading your book, I do feel stronger and feel he is probably not the man for me. I have forgiven him because I dont want to be mad or bitter. Where I need help is I am sad and miss his calls everyday. There is a part of me that wants to continue to text him about his feelings and get him to open up more and work through his depression. There is also a part of me that wants him to want me because we had so many great times together and I miss him. What should I do?

    Sunday, 15 January 2012 @ 10:29am

  55. 55: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Olivia – a man who lies is not right for any woman who doesn’t want a man who lies – which, it seems to me – is you – a woman who doesn’t want a man who lies. This is a time for Circular Dating and healing and discovering how to NOT want a man who lies. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 15 January 2012 @ 5:48pm

  56. 56: NeezyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    I am currently “seeing” a man I’ve previously dated .. We were school friends and about 6 months ago we dated unofficially though .. his mom passed away a year ago and he had been involved with a girl for about 6 years .. they hardly spent time together because she is from another state .. during december she moved to our area to find a job and he left me to be with her officially .. that then turned sour and they broke up, he says because she isnt the person she pretended to be and he couldnt have know any better because they hardly spent time together. they broke up early february this year and some how we kinda connected again .. i missed him all the time and when i got a chance to “catch up” i grabbed the opportunity only to find out that hes single again .. im trying to help him because hes really angry he doesnt have feelings or doesnt know what he wants @ the moment .. im not sure how to handle this situation with him because after his mom’s passing he used drugs to suppress his feelings which pushed many friends and family away from him. i know he is a good man and i really do love him and want whats best for him but i need advice on how to help him through this difficult time in his life. he says that he wants to be with me and i believe him, i am scared that he’ll leave me again for his ex but i believe every relationship is a gamble and nothing is guaranteed in life, and i am willing to take this risk as i am the only person who really cares at the moment and he has acknowledged that .. i want him to realise that i wanna be around forever but i dont want to smother him or do anything that might push him away. he also mentioned that he couldnt see me everyday because i am partially a substitute to him feeling sad and alone and he wants to deal with the death of his mother and not blame me some time down the line for him not being able to deal with it. he spoke about having kids and i assumed this would be good to keep his mind occupied as he doesnt work and he recently started gambling, he received money from his mom’s estate which is being handled by someone so he gets money on a monthly basis.

    i really just need to know if im doing the right thing by sticking around and trying to help him and how do i go about making him feel secure as he feels he is all alone.

    Thanks :)

    Friday, 2 March 2012 @ 4:14am

  57. 57: GeeNo Gravatar says:

    My bf of 9 months and I have had a loving relationship. I have 3 daughters aged 16, 19 and 22 and he has a 12 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. Both our children love the other partner and we have his children every 2nd weekend. I was separated and divorced from my partner 6 years ago and he from his 15 months ago.

    In the last week he has learnt that his ex-wife is now pregnant with her current bf the one that she was having an affair with while they were together. He expected that this would be the case when she filed for divorce in Dec but the confirmation has shaken him.

    Although not living together he spent most nights here at my place. 6/7 and 7/7 and has been since Xmas.

    Early February he asked if we should move in together and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. Later in February we had a fight and he left for a week and shut down completely. No contact until I emailed him and suggested that we build a future together. He came back and we pretty much discussed our fight and decided to stay together. However he didn’t move into my home and out of his apartment.

    His texts in the last week have been cool and friendly but no love involved as he normally does. He spent Sunday night with me and picked a fight Monday and Tuesday night at his home nursing a cold and Wednesday night he came over unannounced. We made love and although he acted as if everything was alright I felt distant. No talk of love. But cuddles and kisses. Thursday friendly texts in the morning and then nothing from 11.30 am onwards (out of character) Didn’t hear from him again until Friday night (Good Friday) at around 7pm saying he had just gotten home from fishing and how was my day. I didn’t answer. On Saturday I texted him while he was at work. I had help from one of your friends Rory.

    His name, I love you, and I love being with you. But lately I feel distant from you and left out, and I don’t like it. I feel scared and worried that (ex’s name) and other issues are coming between us, and I don’t want that. I so want to feel close and loving towards you again, to feel connected. Can you help me with this? What do you think?

    It’s Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him at all.

    Where do I go from here? He is a wonderful man and we have such a lovely loving relationship with the biggest problem of him not wanting to talk about important issues.

    Saturday, 7 April 2012 @ 1:50pm

  58. 58: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Gee – something’s going on with him, but I don’t know what it is. It could be another woman, cold feet, work…and you’ll just have to wait until he answers your wonderful message. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 7 April 2012 @ 10:31pm

  59. 59: GeeNo Gravatar says:

    He just did, texted me and said..

    Look g we need to talk not today tomorrow night or something like that don’t worry about it today enjoy your brother tonight.

    My brother flies in from our homeland. I’m not sure what to make of this, it sounds scary! It sounds like an end :(

    Saturday, 7 April 2012 @ 11:55pm

  60. 60: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I am so glad to have found you all ladies here and Rori’s wonderful advices. I have recently gone through an emotional disaster and am still trying my hardest to crawl out of the darkest hell my ex dumped me into. He is a younger guy and when he approached me, I refused. Because it does not look right and it does not sound right to date somebody who has such a huge age gap with me. But somehow he managed to convince me that he always adore mature women, and the fact that his ex is my age convinced me that it is ok to love a person of any age, any race and any religion as long as it is love, real love.

    At a very early stage he warned me that he had a very weak and vularable heart. So I was very careful not to hurt his feelings. Instead, I end up being too nice to him so he took it for granted that I should love him and he can hurt my feelings.

    He was deeply hurt by his ex when he found out she was actually married and hidding the marriage from him. They broke up but it sent both of them right into deep depression.

    When he described love as hell. He said most people do not know what really love is. to him, real love is hiding behind a lot of doors. When you open one door, it takes you to some dark hole and each door you open, it takes you to darker and darker holes until you are totally tracked in the hell. He said love is about to hurt each other, and if there is no hurt, there is no love.

    To some extent, I agree. Because if a person does not even have the ability to hurt your feelings, most likely, your love relationship is not that intense. But to me, love is still about happiness, and sunshine, and genuine care and endless desire for each other.

    He confessed to me he was on medication for his depression. But his ex never stopped putting pressure on him. She was trying to get divorce with her husband and she would not allow him to have anybody else. So I was an underground relationship. She can not let him go. She would die if she knew he was gone. So I understood his concern and was hiding underground very well.

    I thought I could save him. I thought with my love and care, he would recover and become healthy again. However, my love to him has turned into a mother figure kinda of love. I was always there for him whenever he has a situation. But he would ignore me if he did not actually have a need, sometimes for days. I had to be the one to break ice, because I did not know what happened to him and if he was trying suicide or got really sick. We live in the same building but our major way of communication was through text message. Does that sound strange?

    I have done everything for him, anything that he needs, I gave to him. But in the end, he betrayed my love. He brought girls to his place and let them sleep there. He hurt me in the way he knew would hurt me. And no matter how sick he is in his head, I can never forgive him. He made me so sick in my stomach and I can hardly breath when I think of it.

    Tuesday, 10 April 2012 @ 9:08am

  61. 61: karenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,
    My fiance has been depressed for a few weeks- staying in bed all day and even throwing up. He stopped calling and initiating any plans. I try to be supportive and positive but the lack of communication is heartbreaking and I have expressed that to him in feeling messages yet not much has changed. What do you do when your fiance, a man who committed marriage to you backs off? I know he is going through his own personal issues, financial and otherwise that have nothing to do with me but I still can’t help but take it personally and it feels as though he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore..although he hasn’t said it. Please tell me what to do here? I am heartbroken. We went from a storybook romance- him expressing love for me all over our community- my entire school where I work even took an hour of dancing in celebration. I can’t face anyone- I feel humiliated. I have told him I feel distance, it feels bad..I don’t want that. So..he sends a casual text once in awhile but phone calls have stopped. He is always sick and miserable about his life. Please tell me what to do to get this back on track…it’s all I can think about..I am devastated.
    Thank you,
    Karen

    Thursday, 19 April 2012 @ 10:56am

  62. 62: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Karen,
    I feel so sorry to read about your story. I too have experienced the same thing like yours. I am today still struggling. I feel as if I am trying to crawl out of a shit pool he dumped me into.

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, Karen. Maybe to tell you that you are not alone would? I won’t call him my fiance because we had been together for only 8 months. But it was not an 8 months straight but on and off, because when he did not feel good, he would not see me for a week or two. We hardly made phone calls because he would not answer. Text messages only. But sometimes he would wait for a whole day to reply as if he was making a big decision.

    Your fiance has only been suffering for a few weeks. Let me tell you, Karen. It would be worse if he does not get recovered soon. My ex boyfriend has been suffering for years. I was fascinated in the beginning by how he treated me. One day he could be all over you and so sweet, and the next day he just disappered. He made me feel as if I was not doing the best so I always tried to check myself and tried to please him in whichever way I could think of. He can not be pleased. I have so many examples I don’t even want to mention here. He can break your heart easily telling you all you did for him meant nothing and that you are just nobody to him.

    He kept on telling me that he was not interested in women, especially women of his age group, but he had to go out seeing them all the time. According to him, it was because he was not mentally stable so he had to avoid being around me to say anything that would hurt me. Did he hurt his young friends? He said he did not care for them. They come and go.

    I was never introduced to his friends or mentioned even. During our 8 month relationship, we went for movie only once and he had to post on his facebook that he saw this movie with a guy friend. I totally did not exist in his world. He is single to everybody.

    Why did I tolerate this? Because I am older than him, and I read about depression and depressed man’s behavious. I felt so sorry for him having to suffer such a disease at such a young age. So I made up my mind I would do everything I can to pull him out. If it means love, I’ll give him love. If it means money, I will give him all I can spare. If it meant anything, I gave to him. I thought he would realize that he was cared and the world was not dark and hopeless as he thought. I thought he would start thinking positively little by little and come out from there-the dark hole that we normal people would not even know how much they suffer inside.

    “If he says anything bad to you, do not take it personally. If he ignores you, it is his disease, not him.” That was what I read, and I had tried to take these advice. But it was hard. It was, I tell you. I understand how you feel. A depressed man can hardly give you anything you need to keep a relationship. It had to be me all the time thinking about him, offering help, asking how he was, accepting his wish to say me even if it was a middle night hour because for God’s sake, I was so afraid if I turned him down in any way, he would go suicide. I was so afraid he would die because of a wrong word or a wrong action from me. Guess what? I spoiled him in the way that he took it that I had no right of my own. I became his Mom, his care taker, his supporter but not his love. The reason he gave to me to break up recently was that I helped him too much and made him feeling small. Then he did not feel the love he had for me anymore.

    If I did not love him, why would I help him that much? And if I did not help him, would I make him feeling bigger and he would love me today instead of seeing a different girl? I was in a lose lose situation, but I still chose to help. I guess I chose to be the die- hard heroine.

    I used to be a happy person with a big heart. I smile to welcome each day and I always felt I was lucky in so many ways as if God always keeps an eye on me to make sure I am taken care of. But gradually, my ex boyfriend drained me and took my smile away from my face. I found myself crying so often and felt so depressed often too. I was not loved, not wanted, not cared at all, while he insisted he did love me. If I complained I did not feel his love, he would be really mad at me and tell me I was stupid if I did not see his love. I never felt safe in that relationship because he did not make me feel so. He would constantly mention to me that so and so were interested in sleeping with him but he did not because of me. Well, but when he went out to see his friends, he would not come back until morning hours. He said they just hang out as friends.

    Unless you are a professional, Karen, I doubt you can bring him back to track. You can try asking him to see doctors and have him on medication. But my ex boyfriend was on Prozarc too. It did not make him acting normal. Maybe deep in his heart, he has a kindness. But it was all covered with ice and snow. Most of the time, that would be what you can feel. you get freezed out as if you were thrown into a freezer. Even though, I did not give up on him. I knew we had a very unhealthy relationship and it was getting on my nerves and I was not happy. But I did not want to give up on him. I thought he needed me.
    I was wrong. He got tired of my care taking. He started dating somebody else a few days after he told me we were over. He told me a couple of times before that we were over and came back to me, so I thought he was doing the same thing again because of his mental illness. But he was serious this time. He brought a girl to his apartment and she stayed overnight there for several days already. I live so close to him and I can hear almost everything. Can you imagine what I am going through, Karen?

    My advice to you is, Karen, if you do not have a very strong and big heart, run away now. Because you are definately going to get hurt much much more than you could feel today. It is normal that a depressed man would push away his lover. Everybody said that. I experienced that myself and can testify that fact too. So are you waiting for him to officially push you away or just let him go today? There is no hope that he can treat you sweet everyday no matter how long you stay with him and how patient you want to be. If you want to be a heroine like me, stay with him and take care of him until the day you die hard too like me. There would be a lot of pressure, I tell you. Do not worry about the humiliation. Nobody will laugh at you when people know what happened. They can only feel sorry for you, and for him too.

    I still feel sorry for my ex boyfriend. Do not misunderstand that I think he deserves anything bad even if he did those bad things to me. I can try to understand it was his disease not him who did them. But I can hardly divide him from his disease. The hurting words were uttered through his lips, and the betrayal were done by him. I don’t see his disease doing them because his disease is formless.

    After being hurt so much by him, I do not feel I still have the ability to love . When we love a person, we actually love the soul of that person not the physical body that carries the soul. I feel a depressed man’s soul can be so twisted and at times, he makes you feel as if his soul is but a devil that dwells inside his body. It comes out to attack you when you are not prepared…

    My ex boyfriend is a very tall and handsome young man. I loved him when he was normal and I applied that love to the wounds he got me when he was not normal. That was how I pulled along with him for 8 months, until he left me…

    Now Karen, it is your choice as what to do. If you love your fiance very much, stay with him until he actually push you away or hurt you in the way you can not go back to him. If you do not love him that much and you only worry about the humiliation, I suggest you leave now.

    Thursday, 19 April 2012 @ 6:26pm

  63. 63: Rozina ParvinNo Gravatar says:

    My son and his classmate were in love for 4years and six months. Now the relation was broken due to the girl. He attempted suicide four times. Now he is in deep depression and under clinical psychologist and psychiatrist. He is still hold the image of that girl. I want to know that how I destroy the image of the girl?

    Saturday, 28 April 2012 @ 5:39am

  64. 64: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Rozina – There’s more going on with your son than this girl. Please – if the professionals you’ve hired aren’t helping – find another therapist or coach who specializes in what the professionals say is going on with him…find a more behavioral therapist who can give your son action steps, and nutritional help for the physical causes of depression – hormones, lack of nutrients – and even Western meds to get him over the worst of it….Love, Rori

    Sunday, 29 April 2012 @ 10:21am

  65. 65: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies,

    I love Rori Raye. I love the way she supports us and points out a way for all of us who once were stuck with the heartbreaks. Why were our hearts broken? Because we gave our hearts to somebody who did not take care of them. They did not treat us fair. We wished they would treat us the same way we treated them. But it was a total wrong angle to look at things that way.

    I had no choice how my past men would want to treat me, but I always had the choice how I treated them, had I? In all my past relationships, I tired my best to look after my men and make them feel as if they were the only man in the world. But are they really? One left, I got heart broken and after some time, another one came along. They were always men who wanted to be with me. It was me who always pushed them away because I had “this great relationship” that would date others behind me and leave me in the future. How stupid I was!

    I always check myself and tried to be as perfect as possible for the one I was dating. Now I realize how wrong I was. Yes, Rori. How rith you are and how I agree with you now. Until we find the one who would totally committe to us, we really do not have to committ to them. We can only drive them away because they it makes them think we are too easy.

    Take my ex relaitonship for example, I was not the one who wanted him. He wanted me and he approached me, but I ended up taking too much care of him and he got tired of my kindness. I made a fool of myself in the end. He was always sick mentally and physically, so he got the soft spot in my heart. I was so afraid of his suicidal thoughts and was afraid if I did anything wrong or said anything wrong, I would cause his life. I made sure I was there for him in all aspects. In the end, what did I prove? I proved just how kind and how boring I was too. I proved that he can live well without me. Instead of going suicide after breaking up with me, he went on dating other girls right away. It is worthless how kind we are in a relationship, especially if we happened to fall for those who do not have the heart. You give them your heart, they will only chew it and spit the pieces back in your face.

    Don’t blame them. Please do not blame them. If you threw yourslef in front of a wolf, how could you expect it not attacking you? I used to feel so hurt thinking I did everything for him and how he could be so cruel to me. Well, if I can not identify who is a wolf and who is a sheep, it is really my fault. Ladies, make peace with yourself if you had bad experience. Listen to Rori, admit your mistake and move on. Do your circular dating. You will be perfectly fine. We learn our lessons through our mistakes. All we have lost in our relationships was actually school fees we ahd to pay. We paid and we learned. All we need now is to move on and forget about whoever that did not deserve us.

    They do not deserve to stay in our memories. If we let them bother you, it will be too much a compliment we give to them. Remember that, Ladies!

    Monday, 30 April 2012 @ 10:07am

  66. 66: ErikaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello! Im suck in a weird poistion and i need someone to help me. I have a fiance and he gets these feelings off and on. He could be fine and then the next day he did an 180 and he would be a different man. He push me away and him not knowing it. The only person hes really close to because im his fiance.
    It started monday, again he got this feeling. We were fine on sunday. He asked what would i do if we were together. I asked him if he wasnted to break up. He said idk just a question cuz i always feel liker we’re just friends. He only say this when he gets in this mood. Then later he told me hes stuck in a limbo. For some of yall that done know. He means now the bad feelings outways the good, and cant get rid of it. He just doesnt feel anything or dont know anything. He said im not the problem but he just doesnt talk much to me right now. This week been so hard for me, i dont know what to do.

    Friday, 4 May 2012 @ 5:00pm

  67. 67: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – we may need more information in order to help you…is he saying there’s no romance or emotional-sexual feeling? If that’s the case – please get at least the ebook and see if you’re doing any of the things that might be supporting the ‘friendship only.” Then you might consider a coach like Dominique at http://www.SexandHeart.com who’s all about creating that charged, sexual atmosphere. If what you want to work with is my programs, get Commitment Blueprint, or Reconnect Your Relationship to get the basics of the “7 Steps” so you can start unraveling things, and then Modern Siren and Love Scripts for even more help. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 6 May 2012 @ 9:18am

  68. 68: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello,

    I dont know how to handle my situation and i write here to find help.

    I have been in this relationship for over 3 years with a man who is not easy but whom i love very much and with how i want to have a life. He had some rough times and a couple of months ago he decided to take some time of from the relationship. We have stayed in contact and we started to think about getting back together. He hasnt been very nice lately and i just realized he is depressed. He only works and sleeps.I dont know what to do!! she pussed me away, and he is very numb. I tell him that i want to be there for him but he tells me he just wants to be alone, doesnt want to see anybody. What to do? i dont want to put myself in a weird position, but i dont know if i should just leave him. How can i help?? thanks!!

    Friday, 11 May 2012 @ 6:59am

  69. 69: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea, Welcome – There is only one way to handle this – and that’s the Siren way – to leave him be. That doesn’t mean cut him off necessarily, or be mean – it just means drop the conversation and get out there and Circular Date to improve your own sense of yourself, to see that there ARE other men out there, and to grow your opinion of yourself and shift your vibe. Love, Rori

    Friday, 11 May 2012 @ 9:49am

  70. 70: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Rori, Andrea. I was in the same shit and even worse. But when we were in that kind of situation and we still loved that man, we don’t see the truth. Our focus is all on this man and this relationship. We forget about why we came into the relationship with that man in the beginning. Wasn’t it because they were nice and sweet to us in the beginning that seduced us in and we committed us in that relationship and became exclusively with them. But the fact now is that he changed. He no longer treats us nice and sweet anymore. He does not want us around and no matter what we did for him, he just does not want us to be there.

    My man gave me funny reasons to break up the relationship and jumped with somebody else just a few days later. He was depressed and he was not supposed to be interested in sex and relationships, was he? That was why I excused him for not being available for me for all the time I was with him. I was there for him ignoring how he would not meet my own needs. I thought it was only because he was sick and depressed. Then he suddenly broke off with me and went to somebody else. I was not prepared for that at all. I almost went crazy. If you treated somebody as if he was your family and cared for him as if he was yourself but in return this person stabbed you in your back, what would you feel?

    I tried to rescue, but things got even worse. I knew then deep in my heart that relationship has turned into a dead tree, and even if I hang myself on it, he would not shed one drop of tear for me… Of course, his attention was all shifted to his new woman. I cried my tears dry and I had so many sleepless night. I became depressed too. I lost interests in everything I used to love. To swallow a bit of food seemed so hard for me. But I woke up with Rori’s words. Let me tell you, Rori loves you more than your man. Listen to her and you will not be fooled like your man does to you.

    I think our problem is that once we are committed to a relationship, we look at one tree only and forget about the forest? But why should we? If a man does not show any love to us any more, theh he is no longer our love. He is a dead tree. He is nobody special but just a man. There are a lot of men out there. Why should we forcus on the one who does not care about us at all? Move on, dear. No man is worth of our love if he does not love us. Do your circular dating. You will find any other new man would give you more attention that the old dead tree does. I do not want to sound mean here, but this is the turth. You are not being unfaithful to him. He pushed you away. So show him how you can walk away without looking back. Show him how you run to meet your forest…

    Take care, dear!

    Sunday, 13 May 2012 @ 9:44pm

  71. 71: natalieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori
    I’ve read through some of your topics/blogs/advise and i feel I’ve got most of it down already, but then i been through intense therapy for years and are finally happy with my self and who i am, I’ve been seeing this man for about 9 months now and he is a beautiful man with such a big heart but he’s so angry and he only really shows this anger after way to much alcohol, he doesn’t drink every day but when he does drink he really goes to town, my presents seems to calm him down but i want to know how i can make him see how amazing he is and that he’s worth a lot more than he thinks, he has opened up to me and shared some of his issues but i know there’s more to it, I’m kinda guessing that its just going to take time and that if i keep loving him and letting him be himself he’ll one day see what i see.

    Wednesday, 30 May 2012 @ 2:53pm

  72. 72: PaigeNo Gravatar says:

    I met a man several months ago whose wife died of breast cancer. He was on many different antidepressants when we first met by emailing and texting. So sweet and fun, flirty. He had gotten my number from a friend. We decided to meet. There were instant sparks. But the week we met he stopped most if his antidepressants and has been miserable ever since. We have seen each other once since that first time. We have kept in touch by email and he says he wants to se me again, but is afraid to. He just has a lot of issues, yet I find myself want the person I first met. He is very depressed. I know there is nothing I can do to help, and after reading your info it makes sense that he is very angry and I want to be his friend, but dont want to make things worse or push him away and make him angry at me.
    Should I just leave him alone, and run?

    Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:17am

  73. 73: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Paige – I know about this – so many people are in this boat, and you don’t know him well enough to be able to give him ‘advice” – anyone going off meds has a huge transition period. He’ll either get back on them, or see an alternative doctor who’ll fix him up with food, supplements, herbs, acupuncture, hormones…whatever it takes. And you can do nothing but stand idly by…except….if he emails you and talks about his “problems” you can say – “I feel so sorry for your loss, and can’t even imagine how awful going off powerful meds can be, and I do know many people who’ve gotten great help for this from both western and alternative doctors, and I so look forward to seeing you when you want to.” And then Circular Date and let him do whatever he does – contact you to ‘talk” or whatever. Just, please, don’t get all hung up emotionally with him. This man needs a year at least to deal with all of this.

    On the other hand, I have a great client who became exclusively involved and married within a year with a man who’d lost his wife 2 weeks before she met him. And I knew instantly that he was going to come through for her. This man, though, I feel intuitively is not ready. Depression, untreated or dealt with through therapy is not something you want to get involved with right off the bat. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:26am

  74. 74: NatalinaNo Gravatar says:

    this was likely to be a big piece of the puzzle I have puzzled over- in feeling like the feminine cherished partner… I went through a lot of changes and emotional turmoil when I got together with the man I am now with, I am seeing more clearly now how we have a lot of similar hurts and I have in my lifetime emulated/reflected the same behaviors of the people around me to feel “got” or heard, always coming away unheard and neglected in many ways. my husband was abused as a child as well as neglected by his entire family- this was probably the first conversation we had together- in the coffee shop, he would have been happy talking for hours about the details of his abuse… and I was so confused. we have now been together for just over 2 years, coming up on 20months married– and the hurt and pain are still very present. I get very scared when he lets those emotions get out, then he is angry that I can’t withstand his emotions. and I draw farther away because I feel like I have been carrying the bulk of our relationship- finances, family affairs (when there are any, we pretty much severed most of what there was when we got together). I feel a defined hurt in my chest over the situation, and while I love him, I cannot accept where we are. I cannot accept where I am. I wish I had known more, wish I was stronger in the begining. it is all so much a jumbled mess. I wondered for awhile- I know sometimes in relationships one person has to do it all… but how can you feel soft and good and empowered in your feminine when you are supporting it all and after a year… 6 months even ….3 months even, things only slightly this and slightly that and you live on a majority of promises you dont really believe anymore, supplimented by excuses?

    Monday, 14 January 2013 @ 8:47pm

  75. 75: KristenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi I have been with this guy for 9 months and just recently I have been dealing with depression and anxiety he thought it was best to take a break until I figure things out but then he started dealing with depression and being unhappy with himself he then stated that we arent together but he will always be here and we also share an aparment and a dog and still sleep in the same bed. We went from loving.and being.happy to not.kissing not having.sex and he says he doesnt know how to feel does this.mean he doesnt ever want to.be with me again and what should i say or do?

    Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 8:58pm

  76. 76: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kristen, Welcome, and I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy. I wish I had an answer for you here that was simple – but I don’t. Each of you (you FIRST) have to deal with your own depression issues. You can try alternate therapies and nutritional help (omega 3’s are quite popular, even with psychiatrists I know who use it for their patients…), or go Western and get anti-depressants. You can also go to therapy, try meditation, and exercise. It’s hard to be with someone who’s wrapped up in their own sad feelings – and this goes for both of you – it’s hard to connect this way. Please take good care of yourself, and when YOU get happier – perhaps he’ll shift, also. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 10:42pm

  77. 77: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone!
    First of all I would like to say I love Rori Raye’s caring advice (just got the ebook)Thank you Rori!
    I do have a question about a guy I was seeing for awhile. I like him very much, and I don’t take to all men very easily. The problem is that he has been seriously physically ill for awhile and it has prevented us from seeing each other further. He told me he is still very interested in me, but i hardly ever hear from him anymore and I know he talks to his friends. I stopped contacting him, but haven’t heard anything. He also lives a distance away and I want to give him a chance, but I have been waiting a long time and the loneliness is killing me. I know its not fair he hasn’t been well, but I don’t know what’s up. :(
    Any ideas?

    Thursday, 21 March 2013 @ 12:38pm

  78. 78: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, please take him at his word. If he’s not trying to contact you, he’s either not up for it, or just not that interested. There’s nothing to give a ‘chance” to, here. Please, please start dating and Circular Dating and filling up your life with fun and fulfilling experiences. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 21 March 2013 @ 10:09pm

  79. 79: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    OK, I will try it. Thank you, Rori!

    Friday, 22 March 2013 @ 10:01am

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