New Questions And Stories From You

questionmark Hi, I’ve closed an older post for relationship questions because it’s hard for you to read with so many on the screen. So here’s a new one!

Please know…if I don’t answer you right away…it likely slipped by me (if so, try again, please…), or I’m trying to put it together into an eletter or a post and forgot to let you know…

If you’re new to our community, your comment will go to “moderation” and won’t show up until I see it (which could take up to a day…sometimes two if I’m swamped) – and I so want to welcome you as I approve your comment.

I’m so grateful for the amazing insight, emotion, poetry and magic you are all sharing here, and wish I could reply to each and every comment and question — I read everything you say, and will try to keep up with replying to this post as best I can…and if it’s important for you to get a personal reply from me…please keep letting me know.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

3,431 Comments to “New Questions And Stories From You”

1: Carolina says:

Hi Rori,

I need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing here.

I dated my next door neighboor for a couple of months.

Initially he would be the one doing the pursue, calling me every other day. Since I was not calling him or in any way pursuing him, it was easy to spot when he started to act more distant or call me less often. I applied your advise and was even less available when he would finally call.

In the meantime, I received a job offer to move overseas to London for 4 months and I accepted it. I saw my neighboor a week after I had accepted the offer and told him I was moving temporarily. He was shocked and said “I don’t know if start crying or congratulate you”.

The following days after this he was closer, more present, then he did the same act as before and stopped calling or chatting with me.

Last Friday he called me. I was happy to see his number and I I was friendly and smiled all the time while we spoke. He asked me how I was doing, when I was leaving, how were the preparations for my trip, etc, and whether I was angry at him for not having called. I said I was not angry, that I supposed he had had his reasons for not calling me and he said “Of course I had my reasons and I want to explain them”. I said “OK but let’s not talk about that now”. He said “Well it seems that you don’t care either”. I said “Of course I care but I don’t think we need to talk about it now”.

The truth is that I felt that hearing him ellaborate why he hadn’t called, wasn’t going to make me feel better. I thought if he really wanted to reestablish contact with me he was going to ask me when he could see me, but he didn’t. I finished the phone call saying “I have to leave now, let’s talk some other time”.

That was last Friday, I’m leaving this Saturday and I don’t plan to call him. He knows I’m leaving so if he wants to see me he will try to reach me, otherwise I have to let him go, put him in a box and store this story together with all the other sad love stories that I plan to leave behind when I move to London.

It feels a bit ackward leaving this without “closure” but I feel that an “official” break up won’t make me feel better either. I don’t want to hear that he’s not that into me, or that he’s seeing his ex, or that he doesn’t think he can or want to be in a long distance relationship.

I would like your opinion of whether I’ve taking this to an extreme or if I did the right thing.

Cheers,
Caro

Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 12:03pm
2: Rori Raye says:

Caro – only tweak I would make is this…He said he wanted to talk, and you shut him down. I understand that, and if you really didn’t want to hear, the tweak would be, I don’t want to talk about it. This is about language here. Everything you say has a tinge of “direction” in it…”Let’s not…I don’t think we need to…let’s talk some other time…” And THIS is what I’d like to see you switch out for Feeling Messages. It just makes it harder to connect…it’s not warm, and just changing this much might make all the difference for you in your whole love life …he’ll be here when you get back, and you can practice on all those Englishmen! Love, Rori

Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:15pm
3: gina says:

Hi rori,
I’m feeling a little confused. I went on a great date with a wonderful man last night and today we were texting about how good everything felt. Then he asked when he might be able to see me again. I said that I am free on Wednesday after 7pm. I feel weird – like my response was too specific. I often feel triggered when it comes to stating my ‘availability’ – in the past, i played games to seem “hard to get.” I don’t want to do that, but I guess the fear of seeming too available and easy is still there. The truth is that I thought I was tied up Tuesday, but it turns out I’m free. Wednesday night, I have a light obligation that I was going to skip in order to see him (trying to avert my own tendency to run away). Thursday i work till 10, but I usually go to a salsa bar, which is where I met him last week. Friday and Saturday nights I work till super late. Sunday I’m free. I feel like I blocked the connection with my answer somehow – how could I have handled this better? Should I communicate something now? I feel like I’m overfunctioning by worrying – I’m disappointed that I haven’t heard from him since I gave him my very specific answer.

Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:17pm
4: Simply Shannon says:

Gina: I have that same conflict alot but honestly my life is just busy. Sometimes I only have certain times open. That’s the truth. I’m not trying to be coy or hard to get. I feel curious about Rori’s take on this.

Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:56pm
5: danae says:

hello Rori

first of all thanks so much for all your wonderful articles and email newsletters – I’ve really enjoyed reading them and they’re helping me with what was a difficult situation.

I got myself involved with a man after a difficult divorce which left me with four small children and no assets or savings. I’d done a lot of work on my self esteem but in hindsight at the time I met this guy I was ready for some fun as my life has been quite serious (raising so many children with limited means can be like that). He really made me laugh, and actually enjoyed spending time around my children and I. He wanted a child, and impulsively we made one (a little girl, now two). But during my pregnancy he backed off, reminded me that we were ‘never in a committed relationship’ and that he’d be my friend. (Later I learned he became involved with a much younger woman at this stage)

I realise now that I’d, as you say, invited him into my life as a ‘do over’ of some of my past stuff, including my mother being left by my father with three children and myself being abandoned several times by my ex husband, twice when pregnant. Amazing how I could have thought I was ok, emotionally and mentally! (I’m getting counselling as well as studying psychotherapy)

Anyway, to cut a long and painful story short, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, taken repsonsibility for my choices and have continued to get on with my life and find joy in the world around me. I have been, however, attempting to ‘let go’ of the guy rather than focusing on loving myself so much he becomes boring (I love that bit of wisdom Rori)… in fact over time he has come to have less and less of a hold on me, but I still find him attractive. A part of me wants to laugh with him and be lovers and another part wants to ‘make things right’ (by our daughter, for one). Rationally I realise that nothing can make this guy love me or want to commit, and that’s OK. Rationally I am able to see that this guy is no good for me, that he brings a lot of trouble into my life (like other women who are angry at me, one of which has also just given birth to his child). He’s just a do-over, right? I ought to be ‘done’ by now.

I’ve surrounded myself with great guys who treat me very well, none of which interest me romantically, and I make myself available to meet new men (although I don’t ‘seek’ them). This is really working for me – I’m happier – I do believe I truly love and accept myself. I’m in the process of looking for paid work for the first time in years and I look and feel good physically (I take really good care of myself).

So I’m at the point of perhaps being really ready to meet ‘the one’, and wonder what the next step is. None of the guys I’m Circular Dating are candidates (although they are all perfect for circular dating) – I have practical issues to address, such as finances (it seems mercanary but whoever I have a committed relationship has to be prepared to share in supporting five children) and I’m unprepared to pair up with someone who has no urge to grow or to see things differently.

Is there an energetic ‘trick’ to attracting the right guy? Will this small part of me that is still attracted to the father of my child hold me back? How much healing do I need to do before I’m on track to have a real and beautiful relationship??

thanks

danae

Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 7:21pm
6: Daria says:

Danae – I love your story! I feel inspired by your strength!

I would say get the Siren program NOW! And Circulard date more and more men, get out there to meet more!

Yes there is a trick, and you know what it is, focusing on yourself, and SIREN will help u do that.

I hope Rori answers you soon I feel so curious and excited to see what she will say to you.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 12:02am
7: Symantha says:

Carolina,
I’ve read all your post since the beggining of dating your neighbour hehe nd – found it quite inspirational. I see you are coming to London, I live like 30 min from central London so If you need anything just let me know, I’d feel happy to hear from you and good luck w your moving
XoXo
Symantha

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 4:00am
8: Symantha says:

Rori,
I wonder… What do you think about an ‘Off Topic’ post?

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 4:37am
9: Aldonza says:

After dating one guy where I was totally over-functioning, I was really leaning back when I was dating again. Enter my latest romance. He was all male energy. I loved it. I let him arrange dates and do most of the work. He was great.

I fell for it…hard.

With all of the men these days who lean back and let aggressive women pursue them, a man who will step forward can almost take his pick. And he did. And now I wonder if it was some kind of PUA thing he did with me as I’m feeling very discarded.

Meh.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:03am
10: Daria says:

Aldonza…

man schman… what was the message! I think one message I hear from this is “There are MASCULINE MEN out there!”

Let him go on the river of men! Get back out there and meet lots more… its not about finding a romance, it’s about finding YOU, and you will create romance for yourself once you find You, all men will buzz to you like bees and you will be their honey…

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:13am
11: Carolina says:

Hi Symantha,

Thanks for your message!

I feel totally clueless when it comes to building a relationship. I hope I can inspire you to do the right things!

I will live near the Glocester Rd Station. How can we connect?

Cheers,
Caro

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 8:24am
12: Mocha says:

Great!

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 8:38am
13: Rori Raye says:

Welcome Danae, and Brava to you! You are so totally on the right track. Just keep Circular Dating and doing what you’re doing — getting yourself work you love (or at least like) and feeling stronger inside willl take care of the rest of it for you. Targeting Mr. Right is the program you want (after the ebook – so you understand the basics) – and Modern Siren for the attraction part of this…Love, Rori

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 9:19am
14: Rori Raye says:

Daria – you sound wonderful! Rori

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 9:21am
15: Symantha says:

Carolina,

My email: symantha23@hotmail.com

So please contact me, I feel excited…. You will love London

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 3:00pm
16: Erin says:

Hey Rori,
Here is the deal. I have (as you may remember) dealt with insecurities and large jealousy/paranoia issues from multiple men cheating on me. I have worked so hard in releasing all these old fears and really feeling my way through it. Our relationship has come leaps and bounds…so I thought. He just went on a 6 week TDY (in the states) for a leadership school and I feel like my whole world went back a year in just a small amount of time. I have the nasty thoughts all the time. I have crazy scenarios go through my head….its like I just began this journey even though I thought I have worked so hard. He just got back from an 6 month overseas tour right before he left for the 6 week one. I did AWESOME…no, WE did awesome for that one. We communicated, I had made it a goal to heal all this past pain. I worked so hard at being supportive to myself and him. There were emails upon emails of feeling messages…I felt like I showed him so much of the authentic me. Now, we are in this teeny little 6 week one and I am a flippin mess. DISTURBED for sure. I am edgy and confused and crying and feel abandoned. What happened? He is busy with school and he gets to actually go out with his buddies and have a life over there. Which I am happy about..but I also know I feel jealous about. I feel very insecure and I get this all on a logical level…but I just can’t grasp the whole thing…and I am making it worse! I do good for a few phone calls and then he doesn’t text me back right away and I lose it! WHO IS THIS WOMAN? I thought I had it all together. I miss him, I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel replaced, I feel unimportant. I don’t know…would love some advice.
E

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 5:54pm
17: Erin says:

PS….I have read your book twice and done Modern Siren…I felt like I really got it…and this just feels like a huge setback that I can’t right once again. Is it always going to be like this?

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 5:55pm
18: Rori Raye says:

Erin – the one question that kept going through me as I read your comment – and where is YOUR life? Here’s the cure: Get so amazingly booked up with things you LOVE, feel strongly about – Save The World stuff – flirt yourself silly, make some great money, start projects, finish projects…so that you hae no time or energy to devote to this obsessing which does you no good. You have chosen a man who is not home with you all the time. That is part of your pattern. Yes, you will be triggered constantly because – who wouldn’t? I know I couldn’t manage being separated all the time…you are very brave and smart and work hard…keep going in that direction. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:21pm
19: Erin says:

As always…Thank you Miss Rori. That is a lot simpler than I assumed the cure would need to be. Thank you for reminding me that its normal to feel this way.
Hugs and love, Erin

PS…I would love any and all comments from you veterans too!

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:31pm
20: alias girl says:

i feel good to read rori’s comment to erin. i feel good to be with a man who wants to be with me and spend time with me and treat me like a goddess. i feel so much more filled up with life and things that please me.

i tried a new experiment tonight for socializing with people and it was not really what i had hoped or anticipated. it was very small and cliqued off and i just felt like oh ok. and i came late cuzz traffic wascrowded. so now here i am feeling a lot sad.

because what i really really want is a boyfriend.

and i gave up saving the world.

and what i really really want is a boyfriend.

and so right now i feel sad. is ok. i love my feelings of being back in school and not feeling like i fit in. i love my feelings of longing. i love that for this moment i am vibrating LONELINESS.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:50pm
21: alias girl says:

oops this is the question and stories page. well that’s my story i guess. the i feel lonely story i am very familiar with. yae! i love my self pity. i love how i can landslide in a second. but at least now i can bounce back just as quickly.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:53pm
22: tinque says:

Erin – I agree with Rori, but I also feel this goes deeper, and the “answer” maybe ought to do so as well. Your six month separation reminds me of my brief in comparison month long separation from K.
I was prepared for it. I has a lot to do. It was fine. What little of the “nasty” thoughts I had were deflected.
And now I’m here, and the thoughts have been running rampant, and he only goes away to work.
Now my situation is much different. I’ve landed in a new everything. You are at home still, but and this is huge, you were separated AGAIN and so soon and unexpectedly.
When he was away for the long stretch, you prepared yourself in all ways, mentally, physically, logistically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s as if your entire body was in a measured rhythm, counting every beat (every minute or day) until he returned. He was delayed, but you were still in rhythm. You were able to maintain, keep the beat going a little longer.
You then mellowed down to a soft waltz say, swaying to the new beat; he’s home. It all feels so good. Your song picks up where it left off.
He’s called away, AGAIN, and for you it’s as if suddenly the violin strings break, and the drum skins snap, the stage tips and falls over, the song screeches to a halt. This is you right now. You are sensitive to abandonment which showed up as cheating in your life. B left unexpectedly. You feel as abandoned even though you logical mind knows that’s not the case, yet that is how it FEELS.
Definitely do as Rori says (what happened with the new job?) but also breathe, meditate, go over all of our correspondence as reminders of who you REALLY are, and from where you’ve come.
Make sense?
xxoo

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 6:31am
23: Rori Raye says:

Beautiful, Tinque, thank you.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:00am
24: Rori Raye says:

You know, Alias Girl, sometimes you’re with people and they just don’t feel good to you. There just isn’t the warmth and connection that puts you at ease. And then one person walks near you, and all of a sudden you feel this possibility for warmth. Go there! Part of this is in learning to feel other people’s energy and how it works with yours, and to notice how you may have been keeping yourself lonely by being around people you can’t FEEL connected to. Just keep doing the Feeling Messages – it will help you get more quickly what the possibilities are around you. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:05am
25: Angeline says:

Hi,

I love this site so much, and I’m currently working through the Siren program. Here’s my question for today.

Last night I was hanging out with people from work. It was a sad occasion, as one of the most liked people is leaving the workplace. I ended up drinking a lot and spending some time with this guy who was flirting with me. He was comforting me and being very complimentary and supportive. He said he was going to watch and make sure I got into a cab that night. But then later on he said he was leaving to get food. I said, “Hey, what about getting me into a cab?” I gave him a hug goodbye, but then told him “I think you are lame. L…A…M…E…” I can’t believe what a jerk I was! It’s not that I’m super into this guy, but he’s handsome and nice and I work with him.

So my question is should I approach him with an apology? I do feel bad and I don’t want to always feel uncomfortable around him at work, thinking like I owe him an apology. And I know I should’ve used the feeling messages instead of labeling him because I was angry/dissapointed. I just lost my cool for a second I guess.

- Angeline

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:08am
26: alias girl says:

thank you rori. i do seem to do that. i picked people and situations in the past where i was not honored or i had to be someone else or it seemed i was just there for the other person as a listening post or something. i am going to really get in touch with who and where i feel that warmth and connection and go there like you said. warmth and connection. i feel good to think about that and co creating situations like that. warmth and connection. i feel a sad pouty face. i feel a deep breath. i feel opening up in my chest. i feel sad pouty face again and tears. i feel good to be accepted and honored and cherished and adored for who i am. i feel good to truly connect with people. i feel good to be in situations where people want to spend time with me and i want to spend time with them.

thank you.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:18am
27: Mercedes says:

Tinque: I LOVE your response to Erin! So right on target!

Angeline: I don’t know what the “right” answer is, but I do know that if it were me, I’d apologize. Alcohol can make me do and say things that I regret. When I regret, I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, I have to face it. I think it’s beautiful when someone can own up to feeling bad about something they said/did and apologize for it. If your motives are ONLY to apologize and there’s not alterior motive, then, I know if I were him, I would appreciate your willingness to come to me and tell me you’re sorry.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:33am
28: Angeline says:

Yeah, Mercedes, that’s how I feel about apologies too, and I generally like to get them out as soon as possible! Now it’s just a matter of finding a moment where I can approach him.

Thanks so much for your response.

- Angeline

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 10:01am
29: Carolina says:

Thanks Symantha! I’ve added you to my msn messenger!

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 10:31am
30: Mercedes says:

Angeline: I agree…I get it out as soon as I can as well. Don’t stress it, the time will come and it will be right.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 11:02am
31: tinque says:

Angeline – I’m with Mercedes on this one. It’s not necessary to go and on about it. Simply say to him I wish I had not said whatever it was you said. You could also word it as, I feel badly for saying what I did. And then LET IT GO. Men don’t dwell on things like we do. He may have already forgotten about it, but this will make YOU feel better. And he will appreciate you for this though he likely won’t express it. Though he may. It doesn’t matter.
xxoo

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 11:24am
32: Rori Raye says:

Angeline – CHILL. The PUA guys would pin a medal on you! don’t approach him. Just be vulnerable, flirty, and comfortable with who you are. You told the truth, you were pissed because yet another man promised something and didn’t follow through. You were not a jerk. Chances are you intrigued him. HOWEVER –to ALL – drinking is NOT the way to go here. You have to learn to be open WITHOUT medicinal help! You have to own yourself, your feelings, your actions. Otherwise, there’s no learning going on — and we’re trying to move FAST here…no time to waste…Love, Rori

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 12:02pm
33: Carolina says:

Hi Rori,

I want to share with you the conversation that I finally had with my next door neighbor last night.

He came over and after some small chat I said to him that I was feeling sad that I was leaving the country and I hadn’t seen him, that I didn’t want to call him or chase him, that I could understand that he needed some space but that I wasn’t comfortable in this situation.

He said he was sorry that he had been distant, that he knew that wasn’t the right way to treat women, that we was feeling himself as “one of those jerk men” and that he wasn’t one of them, that he didn’t know exactly what to tell me, that at a certain point he simply had stopped feeling the urge to call me or see me and that on the contrary he had started to feel that he “had to” call me or see me and that he didn’t want to feel that way, that he wanted to be with someone he would feel that need to call her or see her all the time, that he didn’t know why he had stopped feeling that way for me because he thought that I had everything he wanted for in a woman but that he just couldn’t feel it, that he couldn’t point out at a particular moment or situation that had caused him to stop feeling the need to be with me, that he was still very attracted to me, that he didn’t know if he was doing the right way by letting me go because he was afraid he was going to regret it later, that he didn’t want to stop seeing me but that he knew he wasn’t in conditions to ask me for anything.

It’s sort of funny because I have delivered that same speech many times in the past. It’s the “it’s not you it’s me” kind of speech. When it has happened to me, there’s always something I secretly point at and say “that’s why I didn’t fell for him” (usually some insignificant thing, the way he looks, how he dresses or speaks or his job or whatever). But every of those times I also knew that those were just excuses to explain what cannot be explained: why we fell for some people and don’t fell for others who seem just right for us.

So, I accepted what he said and understood that sometimes a relationship simply isn’t meant to be, that it has nothing to do with me or how I acted or didn’t act.

I was able to stay calmed and relaxed while he delivered his speech. I was afraid I was going to cry but on the contrary, I was so relaxed that I was even flirting with him while he was speaking. I could even sense a switch in his tone, he started apologetic and guilty and ended up flirty, confused and unsure if he really wanted to break up or not.

I said it was ok, that it was a pitty because I liked him but that I wanted a guy that felt for me exactly the way he was describing he wanted to feel and that I was sure that man existed and also that woman for him existed. He said that maybe we had already met that person, that maybe that person for me is you and viceversa, that he didn’t know what was going with him.

I still feel that I need to work on my self esteem because from the beginning I knew this was going to happen and I still allowed myself to develop feelings for him.

I don’t want this to happen to me anymore! I don’t want more break-ups!

Thanks for reading,

Caro

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 1:13pm
34: Daria says:

Caro – it sounds like he changed his mind half way? maybe lighten up a little bit… this is not a breakup? u are moving…

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 2:29pm
35: Rori Raye says:

Caro – Thank you for the update. You sound magnificent! Circular Dating will prevent this from ever happening again. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 3:36pm
36: Carolina says:

Hi Rori,

Just for the record: I’ve never stopped Circular Dating!

Actually this is something that I casually mentioned to my neighbor yesterday. I said to him that I felt sorry that he had felt that he had an obligation to call me or see me. That I didn’t want that from a man. That I was going to continue living my own life as I had done all the time since we met.

He looked surprised and asked what I meant and I said to him that I had never stopped dating other men, that I hadn’t slept with anyone while we were together because I’m not so open minded but that since we weren’t in a committed relationship it felt right to me to continue meeting new men. That on those Fridays or Saturdays when he wouldn’t call me or would call me at 10.30 pm and I wouldn’t answer the phone, I was on a date with some other man. He looked surprised, as if he never guessed I could have gone out with other men, then he asked me not to tell him more about it.

I think that piece of news is probably what made him wonder if he had made the right choice by letting me go.

Anyway, it’s too late for him to be sorry now as I’m moving to London this weekend, putting an ocean between us. I hope that when I come back all my feelings for him have dissapeared and I’m happier and sexier than ever!

And Daria, you’re right, it is not a break up because we were never committed, so I guess it’s just one of the guys that leaves the circle and leaves room for new guys to enter it, now Englishmen!

Cheers,
Caro

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 4:23pm
37: Rori Raye says:

Caro, than you for the clarification – and you just totally Rock. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:05pm
38: gina says:

Best of luck to Carolina. That story makes me feel nervous – cause, though I hate to admit it, as soon as I like a guy, I have visions of our life together, even though I KNOW it’s way too soon to be thinking this way. What’s up with that? The guy that I mentioned above, who I was dissappointed hadn’t written me back, wrote me within a couple of hours (I was worrying for no reason), saying that Wednesday night he’s busy, but he invited me over for dinner on Thursday. I’m feeling excited about it. I’m excited about him cause he’s the first guy in, well maybe EVER, who actually has promise. I’m thinking that the best way for me to deal with this notion of “promise” without building some crazy expectation, is to feel good about knowing that it is indeed possible to meet a great guy and feel good around him. There is such a thing as a great guy!! It is also possible for me to have feelings for an available guy (I was beginning to wonder!). I feel good knowing that my standards are not too high, and that when I lowered them in the past, I was selling myself short – there are good men out there who are attracted to me, who I can connect with. Good to know!

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:14pm
39: Carolina says:

Thanks Rori!!
Gina, the same happens to me! I also picture myself (very early on) married with the guy and imagine our life together but since it happens ALWAYS and with EVERY MAN I sort of like, I realized it’s a trick that my mind plays with me.
When I’m dating several men it’s easier to spot this, because you have visions with different men on the same week!! it doesn’t matter if there’s one that you like better, you can still use your imagination with the other men and it’s the same.
I have already been married once and I broke up an engagement later. In my case, it’s not the dream of a white wedding what makes me feel anxious, but the dream of a healthy couple and the opportunity to raise a family.
I hope that what happened to Rori is also going to happen to me, that I’ll meet the right man, will get married and will have children before I turn 40! (I’m 36 now).
Cheers,
Caro

Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:32pm
40: Symantha says:

Caro!!!
Amazing, you rock girl!
Thanks for adding me and actually I don’t have internet connection so not using MSN but coping with emailsin the BlackBerrie so would be easier that way for now.
Looking forward to contact and thanks for sharing
XoXo
Symantha

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 10:05am
41: Heather says:

I heard something that amused me on the local news in my area this morning… A man had cheated on his wife, and his wife caught him. As “punishment”, she asked him to stand out at a very busy street corner in the morning rush hour wearing a sign about the size of his body that said: “I CHEATED – THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT”. The story can be found here – http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/I-Cheated-This-Is-My-Punishment-55072497.html.

At the same time I felt amused by the story, I also felt angry … angry that this is the reality of too many people’s lives.

My own recent development – last week, I had a fairly strong argument with my boyfriend of almost 6 yrs. We were traveling together and I started feeling triggered, frustrated again with the limbo factor that I have felt on and off for way too long. Bottom line: I let him have it, I didn’t hold back. Neither did he actually. I felt really angry about it, and his words cut like a knife through my heart. The next morning after this, I was alone remembering his words and actually felt a sense of options an more freedom, and thinking more and more seriously about circular dating and really imagining how it would be to find someone who wanted the same things I do and is “ready” for me.

Well, my boyfriend must have realised what he was saying and afterwards he softened up a lot. Since then, he has been attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, wonderful. Things like feeding the meter for me in the morning, cooking for me, initiating more physical affection, calling me during the day while i am at work to see how I am doing. Maybe, just maybe it sunk in this time.

Heather

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 11:46am
42: gina says:

a guy is making me dinner at his place tonight and I’m feeling a little weird: he lives about 45 minutes away. I feel like he is leading the way and giving me energy, but I’m feeling uneasy about driving to his place. Also, I won’t get there till at least 10 pm and this is only the second date. Another thing is that we made out pretty hot and heavy the first date, and I don’t want things to get too physical too fast. Any insight about how to reign this situation under my control?

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:04pm
43: Daria says:

Gina … I would let him know I feel uncomfortable and leave it up him lead me to feeling comfortable again if he wants to/can

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:14pm
44: Daria says:

Men can be really amazingly good at that actually…

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:14pm
45: nina says:

hi Rori
everything is working good so far
i feel i can tune my self more and more but the divorce is off the table and we are planing our second honeymoon instead, so…
i must say its all you [!] both siren and reconnect and the e book that made a complete change for me

i have two questions:
1- about talking emails – any tips? – like who says the last words etc…
2 – i feel schmaltzy when i talk feeling massages, i manage only in writing, and even then it sounds telenovela like – any tips?

thanks again and again

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:18pm
46: Symantha says:

Gina,
I don’t feel sure about the best way to manage a date at his place starting 10pm.
If were me I wouldn’t put myself in there while I’m getting to know this guy as I would feel afraid of agreeing in a subtle way that apen to anything that might happen due the circunstances. But that’s just me feeling unable to set boundaries after agreeing the date.
Hold on to yourself and don’t be afraid to express your boundaries, be brave.
XoXo,
Symantha

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:19pm
47: Daria says:

Gina – I wanted to add I would let him know i feel uncomfortable BEFORE I went over there… so that he can lead me to a good feeling about going or else I would have the choice not to go… actually this would seem to me like a great opportunity to “see what he’s made of” in that regard

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:25pm
48: nina says:

and a third one:
the other day i took my car broke down and this very nice man helped me, and then we set in the same coffee place [separate tables] i asked for coffee and later on i discovered he payed for it.
in the old days i might have payed his drink i was that leaning forward, anyway – i felt guilty, all that effort to mend my marriage and im flirting? i mean is there an a platonic circular dating for married wifes?
i felt so good that i eventually know how to behave, like i own this power, i used to feel transparent for man, i told myself it was age and kids etc… anyway,
i know i will see him again, its a small place, and i liked what i felt… what i am to do with this situation?

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:35pm
49: Carolina says:

Gina,

I would be honest with the guy. Before driving 45′ to his place, I would tell him exactly how you feel about getting intimate. I usually say that for me sex involves too much commitment and for that reason I don’t want to get intimate with a guy I don’t know well enough or with whom I’m not sure I want to have any kind of commitment.
And please, don’t do anything you’re not absolutely sure you want to do and feels good to you, no matter what the guy’s expectations are.
Good luck, enjoy and shine!
Caro

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:48pm
50: Ann says:

Some interesting thoughts and questions thanks for sharing.

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 7:17pm
51: Tracy says:

Carolina,
Thanks for sharing your experience….I FINALLY did my first baby step on feeling messages on this guy i really like and i broke it off with him yesterday…I finally let go of it all….I told him how i felt and i explained i needed space to do my thing and go on with my life….I was so afraid of that moment and i wasn’t able to tell him in person so i explained on the phone.I feel so much relief right now and i feel much better….I did like him a lot and i was very much attracted to him but i only want him if he wants the same things i want…I want to feel that we make each other happy and he’s fulfilled by me and i him…I feel that i will have that,that i deserve that,and for now i need to let go of what i don’t want to attract that which i want….
He still wants us to meet in person and talk,but my mind is made up….it feels good to be honest with how i feel….i haven’t done this in a long time…..i feel great that i finally did my baby step on this one…i can’t wait to get used to this….

Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 10:42pm
52: gina says:

Thanks so much for all the insight. I decided to follow my true feelings about him and our vibe rather than my ideas about dating “rules,” and I realized that I did feel pretty comfortable with him. However, I felt pressure to “contribute” wine or something to the meal. he texted me not to worry about it, but I said that I felt weird coming empty handed. He acquiesced, I brought the wine, and ended up feeling like I was overfunctioning (I had gone to a special wine store). I felt a little overwhelmed about entering his world. I didn’t express that – i went into analytical mode, and that’s pretty much what we did the whole time. We analyzed my life path, his history with living situations, my current roommate, politics, etc. I felt comfortable with all that. I didn’t want to be intimate – I felt a lot of inner resistance to getting into a deeper connection. I feel a little confused. I was comfortable with the level of connection that we had – I wonder if I will wish I had gone deeper, later. I did have fun, and I feel comfortable and basically attracted. I guess I’m missing the pain and fear that I associate with love. It feels a little “boring,” for lack of a better term. I guess I’m hoping for lightening bolts and drama. I suppose feeling messages are supposed to facilitate those feelings in a healthy way – okay, next time, I will challenge myself to express feelings about the moment.

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 3:01am
53: Symantha says:

Hey ladies…

When dating, even when Im in an exclusive relationship I struggle big time
with the following.
The guy in question asks you:
Do you have plans for tonight? Tomorrow night? or this Sat or this Sun?
I mean… I might have my best plans B set up as going out with the girls
or just time with myself doing something that I enjoy but I feel controlled
when my boyfriend which who Im trying to increase my difficulty level is
asking me those questions I just inmediately got ‘out of balance’ mode and
always say: No.. nothing, nop plans. Just because I feel curious what he’s
going to propose. He might go and respond asking me out or just say..
nothing just asking, bluhhh!! Is surprinsing how annoyed I feel when this
happens. Any takes on this one?

XoXo

Symantha

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 3:12am
54: Angeline says:

Hi Rori and all my Siren Friends!

I have a question about energy exchange. Rori, you seem to be saying that feminin energy receives, and you even have us practice receiving energy from trees and nature. And I agree that it feels really good to lean back and let a guy’s energy in. But I guess I have a little bit of an intellectual “thinking” problem with it, because I don’t want to be an energy vampire! You know those people who just leave you feeling exhausted? I don’t want to be like that. Plus, I know that the energy of my heart and my love is beautiful, and sometimes it feels good to spread it around.

Rori, can you speak to this a bit? I’m also really curious to know how transitioning into a receiving mode of energy has been for all you beautiful and powerful women!

~ Angeline

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 9:12am
55: tinque says:

Angeline – I love this question ms am anxious to hear Rori’s response.
As far as I know and feel it, women or feminine energy is LOVE energy all by itself, no extra energy output required. SOFT. WARM, INVITING a beautiful place to visit, revel in, stay for awhile or forever. To be in this realm of feminine energy is a comfort and a joy.
You don’t have to DO anything at all. You just are this energy. You give without having to give. It just is. You don’t have to consciously spread it around. You already are spreading it around just by being open and vulnerable, just by being you.
xxoo

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 10:46am
56: Odessa says:

Hi Rori,

Thank you for you letters and stuff. Here’s my story.

I was dating this guy a few year’s ago and we broke up (he had another woman that he brought to my house so she could “talk to me”- I was pissed and told him all sorts of things I can’t tell u here). He said he didn’t know what to do and I told him never to call me again.

That was three years ago and except for seeing me occasionally on the road, he respected my wishes.

Now our paths have crossed again and he said that he feels the same way he felt about me back then (he has never said exactly ‘what’ he feels) but he had that solemn look.

He invited me out and I went. We had a good time, but I think I felt reserved and cautious during the evening. I went with him back to his house and ended up helping him with a newspaper article he was writing after i told him I wasn’t interested in having sex with anyone I was not in a committed relationship with. He took me home.

He called since then several times specifically to talk about sex. He said that he understood what I was saying but that he felt something was missing. Next he told me he wanted to get to the place I was talking about in a relationship but he didn’t know what to do (I don’t know if I believe that). Then he told me he wanted to have children ( I told him I have to be married first).

The truth is, I want it to work with HIM because I know him already. At this point I don’t feel brave enough to go out and meet new men. I am very busy working two job. I have been trying to lean back and keep my boundaries, But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man. Sometimes I think he is afraid but I don’t want to make excuses for him.

Can you help?

Love, Odessa.

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 11:16am
57: la la land says:

today im sinking real deep
i try not to resist let it fill me just like birth pain
but i felt so disconnected and sad and lonely tonight,
yes i guess im angry to.

i tried to feeling massage it to him but he was in a party, felt so silly

im living with a man who is constantly not home, most of the time i live our emails, fuck vegetables and huge trees.[thanks for the tip - it works] – is that what marriage looks like?

now that i siren myself a bit more i don’t know if i want to fix this marriage
maybe i want a new guy, that is actually present.

[is this just another drama to pass over the empty rooms? am i faking this to get a sense of control? i dont want to live in la la land no more, i want something i can bite my teeth on.]

Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 5:51pm
58: Ginggi says:

Dear Rori,

I just want to let you know..You’re an angel and Godsent for us..

Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 1:48am
59: Rori Raye says:

Wow – Welcome, la la land. You sound quite “poetic” – which is lovely. Before you start thinking about getting a new man (though Circular Dating will help your vibe and your self-esteem and good feelings) – work with my Tools to change your language with him (The 4 Rules) and to increase your WARMTH with him (The Invitation in Commitment Blueprint – the OPENING your heart part of all the programs and the Rori Raye Dance Position (look in the glossary for short explanations of some of the Tools)). You might be able to shift this marriage very quickly. If you have no programs – start with the ebook – it may just turn everything around for you quickly and turn him into a better man…Love, Rori

Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:09pm
60: Rori Raye says:

Odessa, Welcome, and I think Mercedes would be proud of you and your Boundaries. And we would ALL tell you to stay away from this man UNLESS you are Circular Dating up a storm. I know you work so hard and don’t have time — but you talk to men and meet men everywhere – at work, on the street, at the market. You simply need to start. Flirt. Use the Feeling Messages and let conversations happen. PRACTICE. Then this man will fall into place in your life – perhaps OUT of your life and not be so important to you, as he is now. Love, Rori

Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:33pm
61: Rori Raye says:

Nina – Welcome, and thank you for your great story and insight and the babysteps you’re taking for yourself. Let him have the last word. Get rid of your need for “closure.” Feeling Messages take PRACTICE. Practice EVERYWHERE, until it feels natural and you’re doing it correctly. About the man who bought you coffee — you handle this by ENJOYING IT!!!!! and Experiencing your enjoyment!!! If he should come over, you talk with him. If he should ask for your number or email address, let him know “I feel so disappointed…and I’m married…” You may take his card “in case that changes” – and save it in a special Circular Dating place in a private drawer. It will make you feel good and powerful. the man who bought you coffee felt good about HIMSELF doing what he did…allow HIM to feel that…Love, Rori

Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:40pm
62: la la land says:

hola, i did many mistakes in one bad feeling massage i tried to conduct, tried to communicate the above post i got a divorce threat on the spot, saying im a negative person. i guess it wasn’t well preperd or delivered or both…i remind myself mistake is a part of the proses, but we were doing so god, and now this. i dont want to fail here, i want to be a positive happy person, i just wasn’t for so many years, there’s the truth, i fill like im on trial, dont like that

Sunday, 30 August 2009 @ 8:02am
63: Mercedes says:

Odessa: Rori is right…I’m VERY proud of you for standing strong with your boundaries!! I absolutely LOVE reading about that!!

You said: “But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man.”

and I know just how you feel. I can’t promise you THIS man, but I can promise you THE RIGHT man when you stay so strong. When we want a man to treat us better, we need to get stronger because as soon as we compromise a boundary so we can be with him, we show him that the treatment we are getting is enough for us. If it isn’t, then it’s incredibly important to keep reminding him of that by not lowering ourselves.

If you are strong with what you need and if he is the right man, he’ll give you what you need. If he can’t or won’t, then he’s not enough…and you deserve more than “enough”…you deserve to be cherished.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 8:30am
64: Elise says:

Hi Rori,

I’ve been on two dates with this guy a long with calls and texts, and he keeps on saying he loves aggressive women and that I can put more of an effort into our relationship. I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.
How can I explain to him in a way for him stop implying me to be aggressive?

Thanks

Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 10:21am
65: Simple says:

ok. I have never done this. I need help. fast. I’ve been dating a divorced man (yes I know his ex) for 2 years. He is very stubborn, hard headed, black and white and always right. I was recently separated with little children and vulnerable. I do think I am in love with him. After reading everything yes, i have done it all.. text, email, cook, laundry, everything to be right. I will say I am an attractive woman (petite, blonde and I guess easy on the eyes- so I’ve been told) Many things have happened in our relationship- he has invited me to things then renegged then called to say we were back on. Given my ticket to a concert to his ex and they went. He has dropped me off in the middle of the road at 2am to walk home. He left me at a concert with his friends who were shocked at his behavior and by the time I got home he had left his key on the counter (he does not live with me) All because of my ex. who I have very little to do with except for pick ups and drop offs that last minutes. He says their father doesn’t do enough for his kids, doesn’t pay enough, doesn’t take them enough. I will not push my kids away. I will not push them on a man that doesn’t want them. He has called me names- many- everything you could imagine. liar, wh*re, not a good mother, weak. I could go on and on. When my car broke down- no ride. when my kid was sick- no compassion(especially because the dad was involved in visiting at the hospital) I have told him time and again I am not perfect. But I lead a simple life. I don’t like to fight. He shuts me out for days on end. I am not a name caller. I do not interfere with his divorce or his children. Maybe I’m too simple. I haven’t figured it out. He says he loves me. He never apologizes. ever. When we are together we have fun. at least I thought so. I do. but I’m feeling like a trophy- he calls when he needs that 4th person, or sex. How do I get him to truely committ and love me for me and not worry about my ex?? (who by the way is engaged- I thought that would’ve helpped!) I don’t talk too much because I’m afraid of his reaction and feel like he’ll just shut me out again. I’m always walking on egg shells. I’m too old for games. I don’t know how to play. The song hot & cold is so him.

Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 12:04pm
66: Rori Raye says:

Welcome, Simple – and you’re not going to like my answer. I’m going to be tough here: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!! He treats you like scum, he’s unbalanced, narcissistic, weird, mean, angry…just any one of those things he did would get him dumped in my book. Your self-esteem is below floor level. You have to work on yourself. Please, please get your energy away from this man. You will never get him to love you because he CAN’T LOVE!!! Any man who drops a woman off at the side of the road at 2am to walk home alone is a lost cause. Ever heard of Chris Brown? Please, get some help. You are right at that edge where you are about to fall into that place where you not only attract and are attracted to a toxic man — but become enmeshed with him to the destruction of your own self-worth, and often your whole life. Please follow the Tools here and get help from everyone. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:30pm
67: Rori Raye says:

Elise, Welcome, and here’s my suggestion. Ask him what he means by “aggressive.” I think he may be talking about sex. As far s calls and texts, and all that — don’t get sucked in to initiating. Just return his calls, etc. What you said was PERFECT. “I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.” You can also say ” I feel uncomfortable leading. It feels better to be a girl.” Love, Rori

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:33pm
68: tinque says:

Simple – Before I even got to the end of your post and before I read Rori’s response, her exact words were screaming in my head. OMG!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!!
Plus a few choice other words.
Rori said it all. I have nothing to add.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:40pm
69: Mercedes says:

Simple: I’m 100% with Rori and Tinque! Get out of there and work on you and your own self-esteem and boundaries!! You said you love him, but other than fun, you didn’t mention one thing about him that you love. Love isn’t someone being fun. Heck…LIKE isn’t even someone being just fun sometimes! And even if “fun” was really the definition of love…you’re not even sure it’s fun.

Almost all women who stay in abusive relationships say “But I love him”. You are in an abusive relationship (not even “relationship”…you are attracted to an abusive man) and saying “but I love him” without knowing what it is you love or even like about him is only going to attract more and more abuse.

Please get out…before he starts to believe you really do love him. If he believes that…things will only get worse. As his power over you grows, things will only get worse. Rori is right…you’ll never make him love you. He can’t and doesn’t deserve your love either.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:53pm
70: Linda G says:

a question abut circular dating:
what is the best way to handle when a guy wants to get physically intimate but you don’t feel it. Kissing was okay, but I just want to date and not get involved physically, mostly I am not attracted to him at this time, maybe never. It always seems to be deal breaker for men. Kissing and sex seem to be a normal part of dating for these guys. and I don’t want to “make out” with someone I don’t want to go further with. Is this a signal to cut and run, stop seeing the guy?

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 2:12pm
71: Linda G says:

PS I have listened to Commitment Blueprint a couple of times, please explain “the invitation” how to achieve that.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 2:15pm
72: Ann says:

Simple I so agree with Rori, Tinque and Mercedes. The only other thing I want to add is to hell with loving him-love yourself first. You deserve alot better treatment than that and you’re the only one who can show him his behavior is unacceptable.

Linda I don’t know about “the invitation” as I don’t have the program. But I feel you shouldn’t have sex unless you want to. If when you explain that to the men, they won’t accept it, guess it’s time to move on. That’s my .02

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:20pm
73: Linda G says:

Thanks, Ann. I guess I just need to be brave enough to say what I’m feeling instead of just shutting down. I am uncertain how they’ll react, but my guess is get all huffy. Either way, it ends there but I don’t feel so wierd about it.

By the way, Ann, how are you and yours?

Simple, the hardest and the best thing I’ve learned through Rori is having boundaries and sticking to them. It takes away all the guilt and self analysis.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:38pm
74: Ann says:

Your welcome Linda. We’ve been doing ok been alot going on. I also have trouble sometimes speaking my feelings but I’m better at it than I was. I need to call it a night but want you to know I enjoy reading everyone’s progress. You have such a way with words.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:52pm
75: la la land says:

just wanted to updat my case,
I worked with the siren program through our last crises, and it worked very good for me.
i found the power of the E,E,E,and E
instead of getting all stressed from the threat, i explored it, try to notice how it fills to be threatened, how the air the time looks different
i also found the power of focusing on myself, went jogging instead of crying in bad
i also realized how i wasnt taking responsible on my own emotion, made him wrong everytime i felt bad.
i discovered the heavy lid of enxiaty and dipression over everything from happy to sad, just like explaind in the program + the waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i cant do the feeling massages yet, but i guess one has to be able to feel first…
anyway. as is, i received immediate results, and amazing melt into myself in his presence sex, that was very new and inspiering
now i do the window exercise, for his next trip, and i fill very calm
my only worry, is that on the everyday life i will be able to receive all the good he seems to shower me with [when i m in the correct position] and allow our happiness level to rise

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:55am
76: Daria says:

LA LA LA – that is AMAZING! you did all that WOW!!! wow seriously that is so much stuff… Great job Girl!

you took some running baby steps and ran a whole mile!!!

Here’s some tips to help you find feelings… go to the more recent posts, and ?I think the third one back is
Tool to soften Yourself Up

That will probably help you find a feeling. u might think well one feeling, thats not enough, but actually it is. That’s how simple it is. find feeling in moment, no need to find out why you feel it, and then next step is to express it. This can be as random as I feel sad with no explanation. or of course I feel happy with no explanation. If he asks why, well you can say something that inspired u to feel that way, or you can say I don’t know if you don’t know…

Second tip:
Go to the POWER and SELF ESTEEM section on the right –>
go back to the post called problems. Go on through the posts from there, making the lists. Post your lists if you want here ( I did). I would feel happy if you posted under the most recent post available on the front page, that makes your comments easier to find. doinjg the Power and Self Esteem section will teach you to “riff” and really really find your feelings. That’s how I found them. I did not even know what they were.

Love,
Daria

again Wow. ps about your worry, youve just taken a mile worth of baby steps. As you keep baby stepping, you will have even more and more happiness. Relax and enjoy.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:11am
77: Daria says:

Linda… I want to say try your best not to guess how they’ll react. Rember :”Be surprised”

If you already set it in your mind that they’ll get huffy, they will pick up on that vibe and are much more likely to do taht.

Give them the space to do what they do, no guessing… how do you FEEL about it? sounds like you feel “uncertain” as you said, maybe anxious, vulnerable, maybe even afraid../ I might feel, uncomfortable, insecure? I don’t know… thats how I would feel I think.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:34am
78: Rori Raye says:

Good for you, la la land! Rori

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 10:19am
79: Symantha says:

Rori and girls,

I’m trying to start circular dating in the online dating world.. so here’s my question.
How do you express your intentions when a guy asks you what are you looking for, what type of relationship, what I do want, etc??
Sometimes they ask this before asking for a date so what would be the no girlfriend speech when you are not even dating yet?
XoXo
Symi

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:05pm
80: Simply Shannon says:

Symi: Answering that question (what are you looking for?) is so awkward, isn’t it? My profile says basically “I’m looking for something long term but I want to get to know you first. So let’s go out and see what happens.” When I get asked this on dates, I pretty much say the same thing. I usually add that even though I was married and then divorced, I don’t feel jaded about marriage. I also don’t feel the need to rush into anything but I’m not looking for casual dating or hook-ups.

Does that help? Shannon

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:23pm
81: Symantha says:

SS,

thanks.. when wondering about this subject you was the first source I was thinking of to ask as I’ve been follow your stories in the CD. I feel a little reserved and don’t know how to open up.
When the conversation about this is going they also directly ask, are you looking for Mr Right to get marry? and I go numb! like weell…. eeerrrr, mmmmmm, yesmmmm, etc
but want to scream at the same time: And Im not expecting that Mr Right is you so don’t panic! hahahhhaa
The point is that I do want to find the one to get marry but in the mean time I ‘need’ to circular date in order to move on from my broken engagement so… is where I feel stuck in the approach and what to express… Im getting there so thank you SS.
Hughs
Symi

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:34pm
82: Simple says:

I couldn’t even get through Mercedes and Ann and Tinque responses without crying. I am so tired. I work 2 jobs, I have 3 children, I’m taking 2 classes and what am I doing with him?? I don’t really know. He does treat me like scum Rori. I know in my head he does. I know I need to leave him. I know I need to let go. My friends (and some of his) say the same thing. many people don’t know some of the things I posted here. I don’t tell anyone. I want people to like him. my heart keeps pulling me back.. he rarely says anything sweet or remotely romantic or compassionate. I know he is incapable of loving anyone except himself. My friends say its not me, its him and that I can’t fix him. I’m not trying to fix him. Am I afraid to be alone? I’m going to be 40. He does help sometimes. He may mow the lawn, or take the kids out for icecream. He finally came to the dr with me and the kids the other day that was the most caring I’ve seen him. I think he is trying to support me….My kids do like him, although they’ve seen me cry too much for my liking. I know I feel like I’m not saying anything positive but my heart is so there… I just wanted it to work so bad. I miss him when we’re not together. I’ll send him a nice text throughout the day just to let him know i’m thinking of him. I don’t think I’m too much or too pushy. I think I’m the normal one. As I said before, i do know his ex. I know she threw things, I know she called 911 over and over, i know she was a screamer. I always thought it was her, not him… and living with that for years wouldn’t it take a while to get away from? But he never seems to care what goes on in my life, never asks how my day was, never asks what I would like.. he makes all the decisions. The other night I decided I was going to go out with some friends I haven’t seen in a long time (they do not like him) So I did. We went to dinner. 3 hours I was told I was gone. What took so long?? ok.. 40 min ride.. 30 min waiting for a table.. then dinner.. and 40 min back.. I have to account for all my time and God forbid if I mess up on my words or say oh I didn’t mean it that way… I’m then a liar. Who did my lips touch… whatever, so now he’s having a guy night out to get back at me… good, go out. please do! whatever makes him happy.. thats when he misses me and of course is drinking and I get the I want you texts…
Thanks for everyone’s help. I really know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to and there never seems to be a good time…

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:18pm
83: Simple says:

And he has a wonderful family that I love.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:50pm
84: Simple says:

We have great friends too….
Did I say he compares me to his ex? And this woman that threw things is the strong one that follows through on what she says but because I don’t bring my ex to court to increase the child support I don’t follow through, I am a liar.. (cuz i was planning on going to court but then my ex agreed and papers were signed without court) But she is a strong woman and fights for her children.. and I am not.. but he always comes back after he’s not talking to me for days….. we bumped into his ex on vacation and he was so mad at God knows what (guilt, I think) he wouldn’t talk to anyone we were with, walked alone back to the hotel and now his family wants an apology and they haven’t spoken since.. but I know that will eventually blow over (although its been months) I don’t even know if I am making any sense any more.. I’m so confused. All these stories sound so unbelievable. I know if a friend was telling me I’d be shaking her too WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???!! I could type on and on and on.. I’m sorry night is the worst time for me.. he’s working and my kids are in bed

Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:59pm
85: la la land says:

thank you , i could never have gotten this far without this loving safe place…

now im dealing with his being away again,
my question here is about the PHONE CALLS, usually they are so short but still i find myself looking forward to them as if my life are dependent on it, and when they arrive they fill of technical info and they finish with him wanting to hangup and me trying to say just one more thing, now all this feels like the old me, how does the new me treats the phone calls issue?

1- i try to never call or sms him [sometimes i still do]
2- i keep myself busy doing my own things
3 – when he calls, i find myself trying to describe everything i went through since we last spoke – maybe here is were i push him away? maybe i should just relate to the presence moment ?

any tips?

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 3:47am
86: Aldonza says:

@Simple
Stop struggling.

Seriously. You’re twisting yourself inside out for a man who won’t budge an inch. Stop making excuses for him. Stop clinging to the tiny little things he does (than any human would do without thought). Stop trying to justify his actions by those of his ex. I’m telling you right now, his ex *was* as insane as he says she was. She was insane because *she* was fighting the same battle you’re fighting now and it *made* her insane. It’s making *you* insane.

This isn’t love. This is addiction. It’s no different than sitting in an ally with a needle in your arm…and probably just as harmful. You’re life is circling around this man like the eye of the hurricane. He gets to be all calm and rational because you’re blowing in the wind.

It is *not* going to get better. You can lean back until you’re prostrate and all he’ll do is step over you. Rori’s tools work, but only with men who have normal emotional reactions. This man is a narcissist. (Google narcissistic personality disorder for more information.) His reactions are so warped they’re triggering you to try harder and harder. You can’t make him care. I don’t believe he’s capable.

It isn’t him. It *is* you. You choose to be with him. Stop choosing him. Start choosing you.

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 5:36am
87: Carolina says:

Hi Rori (et al:)),

I’m in London already and following your advise I will practise with all these Englishmen here. I’ve created a profile in an Internet Dating Site and I plan to start Circular Dating. I wanted your candid criticism of what I’ve wrote there. My description goes as follows:

“I know I’m beautiful inside and out. Feminine, sensible, generous, a little bit whimsy and a very good friend. I have a beautiful life, a rewarding professional career and many close friends. I’m thrilled that I have the job that I always dreamed of. As a corporate counsel working for a multinational company, I ve recently relocated into London and I’m looking forward to make of this experience the time of my life. I speak Spanish, English and Italian. I have a positive attitude and a big smile. I love the outdoors. It s easier to found me in the country side riding a horse, walking in the park, lying in the sun by a swimming pool or at a coffee table chatting with my friends than at a bar or night club. I can feel comfortable around all kind of people and circumstances and actually I like to experience diverse environments. I can be at ease wearing a little black dress and stilettos for a special night out, in a smart suit attending a company conference or wearing a white t-shirt and jeans for a Sunday brunch. Somewhere out there there s a man who is smart, a gentleman, generous with his time, not afraid to share his affection, someone with whom I can get lost in conversation with just as easily as we can share one of those moments of comfortable silence in each other s arms. Someone who would me feel safe and warm. If you are funny, intelligent, confident, handsome, patient, enjoy children and enjoy the outdoors you’re perfect! But if you’re less than perfect, then we already have a lot in common.”

Any thoughts?

Cheers,
Caro

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:12am
88: Simply Shannon says:

Caro: I LOVE what you’ve written. And I’m stealing the last line of your profile. That is AWESOME!!! Mine says something like “I’m not perfect (shh- don’t tell anyone) and I don’t expect you to be either.” I’m stealing yours! I love it! Good luck to you Caro!

Shannon

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:28am
89: tinque says:

Simple – My heart is aching for you and aching in recognition. Your sense of worth is low as mine was many years ago, and when in such a state, we settle for crumbs and feel grateful for those little bits of nothing. Yet we know deep inside or not so deeply that this is WRONG, and we DO deserve so much more.
Your conflict feels familiar. It’s YOUR time now. You have a full plate, yet you need to take the time to make yourself SMILE, make yourself feel GOOD. The classes you are taking I hope fall in this scope. For me going back to college was the first step out, a BIG one at that.
And thankfully it was the beginning of the end of a horribly destructive relationship, no physical abuse but plenty of emotional just as it seems with you. He’s tearing you into little pieces. Please don’t let him do that anymore.
xxoo

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:59am
90: Mercedes says:

Aldonza: Thank you! What you said to Simple needed to be said…

Simple: I would love to help you, but nobody can help you until you break away from this man forever. It doesn’t matter that he mows the lawn or tells you he misses you via drunk text (that stuff means he wants to use you for sex). He needs to be gone from your life!!

Aldonza is right…his ex was acting crazy. So are you! The two of you deal with trauma differently. She lets it out in rages, you stuff it down. She was traumatized by this man…she had to deal with it. That doesn’t make her a bad person…it makes her a human who had to deal with trauma. Same goes for you. Personally, I don’t push down feelings and I’m pretty much NEVER one to hold back on telling J exactly what I think and/or feel. If you don’t do things my way or his ex’s way or Rori’s way..that’s okay. But right now, you DO need to learn how to deal with your trauma in a healthy way. The ONLY way you can possibly start dealing with it and healing from it is to remove it from your life.

Get him out of your life before he destroys you. You will already have a LOT of healing to do. Remove him or you will end up believing he’s what you need. He isn’t. You deserve better. Believe that so we can all help you.

Look at your children. They may say they “like” him, but if they’ve seen you cry even ONE time over this man…they’re just too afraid to hurt you by telling you the truth. Children have unconditional love for their parents…not for their mom’s boyfriend. They don’t like him…they just don’t want to hurt you. They can’t tell you that because they are learning from you. You are teaching them to “put up with whatever a man does to you” (girls) and to “treat a woman like trash” (boys) and to push down all your thoughts and feelings and NEVER tell the other person something that will hurt them. You children cannot be honest with you because they’ll hurt you. Can you look at them and decide NO MAN who has EVER made you cry in front of you children is worth it? Please…can you teach them better lessons? Can you show them how to be honest about their feelings so they don’t follow your pattern? Can you work on YOU so that your children can see what a confident, strong, healthy woman is like?

We all want to help…and we can’t with him in your life.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:21am
91: DocK says:

Hi Simple

I feel so sad reading your story. I was there. The guy I have written about that I call “Ex” (BF not husband) – I could sit here and write a litany of things he did that were just unbelievable and had people shaking their heads at the DocK they thought was so sensible and confident and how/why I was tolerating this. But the “whats” of his behaviour aren’t even the point – the point is that he was angry, selfish, and hurtful to me. He had moments of being sweet and funny but those got to be fewer and fewer. ( I do believe he was narcisstic as well.)

I felt trapped in a way because although I wasn’t married to him or living with him we worked together. I also didn’t know anyone outside of work – hard as I tried to get out and meet people (and believe me – I get in the car and go places) and I was at a point of feeling so lonely that I really did think I might harm myself.

Sometimes I wish someone could just put me in a lab and analyze the moment that I knew I wasn’t going to “do” this relationship anymore. I often wonder when did the moment ENOUGH click into gear.

BUT it did happen and my life changed for the better in so many ways that I was always grinning from ear to ear and so happy.

Aldonza and Tinque are so right. Loving yourself, breaking out, doing things you love, honoring yourself – you start and it gets easier until one day you just look at this guy and think – what was I so enamored of with him?

My Ex has moved back again from west to east coast but I won’t talk to him. He is confused, I know, because at a certain point in our parting I did try to still be friendly and help him with info in his new job. but enough really became enough.

Someone was writing in one of the threads about not being able to afford the programs right now. I know a number of women posting here have mentioned this. They are SO critical, and they have been so helpful to me. With my current LI – I DID run over and over and over again away from him that I am shocked he’s still here. The programs helped me with my self-confidence, self-love and speaking from feelings and setting boundaries. I am enjoying the moment but I am also OK no matter what happens because I am SO much more OK and strong on the inside.

Thinking about the programs and money issues – I am wondering if there is a way we could start a Rori fund to get programs to women that need them.

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:26am
92: Simply Shannon says:

Simple: I feel hesitant to respond simply because I’ve been in your shoes and reading your words triggers in me a lot of different things. I was married to an alcoholic for many years. He wasn’t a wake-up-and-drink kind of drunk but he would get blitzed every time he did drink. He would drink and drive, was never around, usually passed out in his leather recliner when he came home. He never hit me but was aggressive at times. And emotionally he was just never there much unless it was to argue with me. We had some good times at first but it took me a long time to see what was really going on. It took me even longer to stop making excuses for him.

I feel concerned for your safety. Reading your posts reminds me of what my counselor at the time said… “it always gets worse. Once they are on the slide down, it always gets worse.” I know at that time I felt scared to do anything differently. I felt too afraid to rock the boat and to lose him. Ack. The thing is… he was already gone. *I* was the one hanging on.

Like Aldonza says “choose you”. Do what feels GOOD to you, for YOU. Find a safe place for you and your children. Maybe even find a counselor. I feel horrible saying these things to you because I remember how awful I felt about myself during those last few years. The thing is that I KNOW you can do this. And I’m living proof that things can be better once you get away from that craziness. I don’t have a perfect life but I don’t feel stuck anymore and that alone is such a relief. A HUGE weight lifted off me the minute I kicked him out.

I feel scared that you will stop posting because maybe you aren’t ready to hear what we are saying. (I remember feeling like that for a very long time.) I hope you will stay and go on this journey with us. (((Gentle Hugs)))

Shannon

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:30am
93: Simple says:

I so appreciate everyone. I cannot talk to anyone. I feel so weak, I feel like I have lost myself. and when he pays any attention to me I feel like I finally matter. I have to be careful to delete my computer history. I don’t know how often I can get on.. I really want to try, I just am not strong right now. I’m so confused I can’t even organize my own thoughts. I keep trying to concentrate on my kids but I want them to see me happy in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if its me. I was never this way with my ex. I just want to be wanted and genuinely loved. I don’t like all this drama, I have never been in a relationship where I feel like its a game and I am the pawn. but he keeps telling me its me.. is it possible to be almost 50 and never grow up? He has tantrums and shuts me out for days on end.. and I end up feeling like a begger.. I know I need to be strong. I KNOW it, but then I feel so weak when he pays me any attention. He tels me I’m not open and honest, I swear to you I am the most open and honest person, i can’t lie I know it would be seen all over me. lie about what anyway?? the names hurt me so bad. I start believing him that no man will want me. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t really believe another would be different.. aren’t they all the same???? I love to go out with him, have a drink, walk the beach, have dinner, I am not lazy. I know how to have a good time. I’m not gross. I’m not boring. I’m up for anything- a movie out, or on the couch. I’m pretty easy going. I like simple. I have 2 friends that are so sick of hearing me and I’m sick of telling them. I don’t want to lose their friendship over him but I know they’re pulling away from me. He tells me every other week he wants nothing to do with me, doesn’t talk to me for days on end, then acts like nothing is wrong… its a cycle. Why does he have to be so complicated and dramatic?!? Why do I have to be so weak to him?

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 10:02am
94: Simply Shannon says:

Simple: Anything this man says is a reflection of how he feels about himself, not you. Literally imagine that you are holding a mirror in front of your face, and he is talking to his own image. His words are a reflection of him, not you.

Regardless of your past, right now, today, you are choosing this. This is about you because this is the life you are choosing. I remember feeling weak for a very long time. Then one day something happened that tipped the scales (I found phone calls to other women) and that was it. That was enough. Looking back I feel ridiculous that I didn’t say “enough” earlier but that one thing did it for me.

All men are NOT the same. There are really good ones out there who would love to treat you like a goddess. But the fact is, this one has a hold of you, and no other man can get to you until you release him. I know your fear. I’ve been there but I am choosing to move forward. You do not have to choose this anymore. You can literally choose today to do something different. Start small if that’s easier for you right now. You do not have to live this way. (((HUGS)))

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 10:19am
95: Simple says:

OMG Aldonza, I did actually look up the definition of narcissistic personality. I thought it was just one loving themselves. I cannot even tell you how this describes him. He jokes he is God and everyone must be as good as he is. He actually says he has aposlettes at work (these women cook and bring in his lunch!!) He so needs to be admired and thinks he is entitled. He absolutely has NO EMPATHY. one day I did ask him if he even knew what it meant. I just don’t understand how someone cannot see or hear what they say and do and how their action or lack of and/or what they say how they hurt someone- I just have such a hard time understanding and I’m the one that keeps getting hurt. He wants people to be envious of us, he says things like they wish they were us- but its all show…no one should be envious of us at all. AT ALL.
Thank you so much to everyone. I am reading your posts over and over. Everybody has been so nice to me. I feel like such a fool for keep letting him back in and I know I probably will again.. although my heart is fast drifting away. I am losing respect for him (and myself). I reached out for an objective opinion. I reached out knowing I have to do something. Its just a matter of when and how.

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 4:34pm
96: tinque says:

Oh Simple – Please don’t think badly of yourself or feel you are weak or whatever nasty thing you find yourself calling yourself. I can only speak for myself here, but I’ve been where you are. Very different kind of man, yet one from whom I should have run screaming within a year, and I did try to leave, three or four times, how many exactly I forget, but he would beg, plead, cry, so I would stay, again and again and again. It took thirteen years plus to get out. And it wasn’t even me who said enough is enough. It was he who asked for the divorce. My first words were, “It’s about time.”
Was I weak? I don’t know. Scared sure. Little to no self-esteem? Yes. Did it take a long time to work through all of this? YES. Was there a man out there who could really love and love me, damage and all? A VERY LOUD YES!!!
xxoo

Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:34pm
97: la la land says:

hi simple

i think you might find this links interesting:

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/index.php
try the ‘patterns of recovery’ document

both are just let you know were you are
but to do something about it i think the ‘modern siren’ program to listen to when you are driving is the best fastest solution…

good luck

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 12:30am
98: Flipper says:

My heart goes out to All of You, Each and every one, and All parts of each.

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 2:06pm
99: Angeline says:

Groan, this guy asked me out for an after work drink today, but he hasn’t called or texted me to tell me where we’re meeting. I’m not going to contact him. I don’t even like him that much so it’s frustrating that he’s apparently forgotten about making plans with me. I feel unwanted and angry. Now I’m just trying to avoid feeling dissapointed with men in general.

I’m just trying to get this circular dating stuff happening… I guess it can probably take a little while for it to get off the ground?

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:36pm
100: Rori Raye says:

Angeline, You’re off the ground already!!! This experience — write it up, the way I have you do in Targeting Mr. Right. Write his name, what happened, how you felt, the Tools you used. So that NOTHING is WASTED!! Everything is Circular Dating. Every transaction, every no-show— all of it. Love, Rori

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 5:26pm
101: la la land says:

hi rori
im drowning again
i had this dream, we were sitting in the theater and he was saying he wants out, and i realized i couldn’t go through another cycle, i cant function in a constant test
its like in order to be well and calm i have to totally accept the fact that he might leave.
i know he has plenty of backup girlfriends ready and he prepared a way out for him, it was i who surprised him with my new tools, [ he even said so, "you totally surprised me, i never thought you could change after all this years"] but he already has his way out planned for him, and each move i do wrong pushes him there, its like his suitcase is already packed
this feels like a nightmere,

Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 11:35pm
102: Ginggi says:

Dear rori,

my men just asking me this question “can you live without me?” i feel sad rori..i think this question meaning he wants to leave me am i right?

what to do please..?

Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 6:42am
103: Angeline says:

Hi Rori,

Thanks! I got it, it’s all part of the process, right? Anyways, he ended up texting and taking me out for a very nice night. It was really hard for me to lean back and let him pay, but he seemed happy to do it.

~ Angeline

Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 10:38am
104: la la land says:

this is like the eastern wall, right?

anyway im baby stepping myself through the siren program, i feel better just by putting the cd and driving, i get it now that my falls are what Rory refers to as ‘cold turkey’, i am happy to the opportunity of having more work at the moment which get me driving, and thinking about other things, [using the opportunity to get a new dress :-} ] i guess this is like learning how to drive, the first few rounds at the neighborhood is so scary and then you can drive for hours without any effort, i also noticed my humor and my musical taste is changing, im looking for the positiveness everywhere now, things that use to be my things, dont work for me anymore, do you know it?

Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 1:20pm
105: Daria says:

Wow la la land, i never thought of it like driving, at first scary then it’s just natural! wow that’s amazing11111

Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 11:17pm
106: T.R. says:

I am feeling confused about the non-commitment from my man and hoping to gain a little insight from you ladies. I have been dating him for several months and he has told me that he is in love with me. However, he is going through a hard time and really has not treated me like a girlfriend for months. I ended our relationship and told him that I want a true commitment. Now he still calls, and I feel both happy and hurt when I talk to him. If a man does not commit in a way that feels good to us, what is a good next step when you still want to have a relationship with him?

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 12:02am
107: la la land says:

last night i searched this blog and came across this article about man that resist sex to avoid conection
then this guest coach said:
” I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering. The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.”

this is hard for me, since this is the situation im dealing with for the last 15 years, this is what made me so insecure obsessive and jealous, would you say its useless to even try?
i mean i got good response to the siren program including the sex part, but maybe no matter what, this problem will always be there…
im invested over my head here with kids etc, how can i know if im doing the right thing?!

in your book you say first we have to comet, how come this question is still relevant for me after all this years?

he is returning home today and i intend to be leaning back and receiving, but i feel angry, why do i have to cope with his childhood trauma?

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 5:15am
108: Carolina says:

Hi Rori!
I met this really good looking guy at a London bar. I was with a gal friend and he was with a male friend who was with a girl. I used the tools, smiled, leaned back, became an invitation and within minutes he was talking to me and couldn’t get his eyes out of me. But… He suddenly excused himself and disappeared without asking for my number or anything. His friend then joined my friend and I (the girl had left) and the three of us chatted for a while. He said he’s going to South America and we exchanged our contact details to add each other on facebook. When my good looking guy came back my friend and I where leaving so we politely said good night and left.
Today I got this message in facebook from good looking guy:

“Subject:
Out of the blue…

…but not the crystal blue that caresses the Buenos Aires sky.

I took your details from XXX because I wanted to explain about how things went (wrong) on Friday night. I disappeared quite abruptly, which I know must have seemed rude – because my ex-girlfriend and her friends had arrived very unexpectedly at the bar. Without going into the details, she was quite distraught that I had ended it with her and when I saw the shock in her face to find me in BBB I thought it was better to go outside with her to avoid a (dramatic Italian) scene in the club. It was not an easy situation to take control of, and I understand it may have seemed suspicious.

I enjoyed talking to you and hope that I did not make such a negative first impression that you won’t consider meeting for another drink one day soon. When I cut out we were talking about moving to new cities, and I was about to say that I knew the “hard, first steps” well since I have moved many times: Athens, Montreal, Miami, Amsterdam and now London. In the very least, I would be happy to introduce you to other international friends – quite a few of which are also young professional women from Latin American (no Porteno societies please!).

Be well, and hope to talk soon.
XXX
(his cell number)”

I don’t like he telling me that he dumped his ex, that she is upset, that she is capable of doing a drama, I find that not exactly mature and of a gentleman.

One of the things I think we women fail at is at spotting players, immature and narcissistic men early on. Then we wonder why we end up crying and suffering. Is this one of those guys or he just made a wrong choice of words?

If I give it a chance, how can I answer this with feeling messages??

Caro in London )

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:02am
109: Uschi says:

we have been together for a bit more than 8 years and last month on Aug. 20th was the 8th anniversary of him asking me to marry him. We have been living together since then. Now we are having major problems. About 6 years ago we had a big fight and things started turning cold. We were basically fighting about my stuff and that I had too much etc. He wanted me to get rid of it and I told him that I couldn’t cause I needed it and some of it had memories attached to it. After having been married twice before once to a guy who was in Vietnam and a bit nuts the second an alcoholic I didn’t want, what I earned so hard or collected, to lose it again. I don’t remember how I said it but he took it as if the stuff was worth more to me then him. He never told me how it made him feel or how he took it until recently. We used to go to the boat a lot and he got very heavily involved with a volunteer dive and research group and he is the driving force behind it. I had a job ( I am a Florist ) that took me away from going to the boats on weekends having to work Saturdays. Well after that I only went to the boat with him occasionally, the past year or so not at all. There is a woman that he let stay on the boat cause it is the only way she can for now keep her job, she also is involved with this research thing. Recently we have had more fights, he wanted to shut down his job here and permanently move to the boat. He has a great Job editing a yearly book we live in the house of the publisher above the office that’s in the basement.
I asked him in the last argument if there is another woman and he said yes. She is the one living on his boat, about the age of his daughter and they got the diving interest together. Somewhere in the conversation he said ‘she is a lot of fun to be with’ and then he paused and said ‘for now’
Since that first fight we have had no intimacy and I didn’t know the reason for that until he told me that what I said in the first fight washed like ice water over him and he lost the feelings for me. Being a Capricorn I understand that he is all about doing and not saying I also know that they can just shut down and turn inward. He keeps his feelings close to his heart. How can I bring back that relationship and connect to what we had and know we could have again cause I don’t believe that inside he is totally cold to me. He is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Even now he was considering helping me with my storage (inheritance furniture etc from Germany) so I wont lose the stuff, but he then said he cant do it and wont. When I asked him to work with me on the relationship he doesn’t tell me no he just says he doesn’t think it is possible for him to get back what we had. He said he is too pissed, doesn’t have hope, doesn’t see it happening for him, doesn’t see it in the future and doesn’t believe it an be turned around. I don’t believe this woman is anything serious it is more or less a sexual release because we haven’t done that in so long. However I do believe that this woman is in part for his recent behavior. I had an intuition about her when I met her a while back and the same intuition tells me that this is not going to last.
So what can I do to get this relationship back on track. I don’t want to do the wrong things or scare him away even more. His major gripe is that he feels obligated to me, that he wants me to be independent and on my own financially. He said that right now he feels pissed off at the situation and that he feels like he is reentering the real world coming home from the boat. He said he feels used and taken advantage of and that because I don’t have a job right now and before only had a part time job. Though for the most part I have been paying my own bills.
I do have several hobbies, photography, knitting on my knitting machine (I have lots of cones of wool) and I do like to play some games on the PC for relaxation. My hobby-things do take up some space and I have been making an attempt to organize things better, after all he is really mostly complaining about all my stuff. His hobby is diving and research into old shipwrecks here on the bay (MD Chesapeake bay) and up and down the east coast. He or rather this volunteer group even got a grant from MD to do such work. He has a lot of friends who do the work with him and also belong to this group. He is shutting me out from that too.
I do not have the financial resources right now either to move out and be on my own or even buy your book and being without a job I feel it would give me the time with him that I need to get things back on even keel. Since he is working downstairs I have to kind of leave him alone during work hours, but just today he said he doesn’t even like coming upstairs and spending time with me. I also feel if we make it through this then we will have a stronger relationship that we have had before.
However I need some help and some advice on how to do it very soon. I had actually considered to go to this other woman and tell her to back off but feel that would just drive him away further and I don’t want to resort to other stupid things that for sure would tear us apart. Please don’t tell me to buy your book because right now I am really not in a position to purchase that.
Please help.
Ursula

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 5:53pm
110: Rori Raye says:

Ursula, Welcome — you sound to me like a very, very interesting woman…
1. Find a way to make money doing what you love …NOW. Forget about this relationship entirely – put him out of your mind and focus entirely on making money, becoming financially solid…
2. Start Circular Dating (you’ll find out more how to do this here…) start with FLIRTING…and let him know you love him, you’d love to keep seeing him, and that if he’s not feeling what will give you what you need in a relationship, you’ll be keeping your options open. You can’t say this until you’ve been working at it a bit and feel comfortable around new men.
Love, Rori

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:49pm
111: Uschi says:

Hi Rori and thanks for responding so fast. I read your post about Rescuing A Marriage Right At The Edge Of Disaster – well this is basically my situation because all of a sudden he said – I am going to shut everything down in the fall meaning his job ( as mentioned before we live in the house of a publisher of a social book) and move out to the boat. Except I wasn’t as smart as this woman and did what you called leaning forward. He blew me away with this comment and I was hurting and trying to argue of keeping the relationship alive. I cant take this back I can only go from here. I don’t at the same time want to put him out of my mind but do things that will get us back together, because the more I think about this and after reading the story I mentioned above it seems to me I should have said the same thing “I dont buy it” I am not sure about the circular dating because to be quite honest I am not interested in any other men or even letting them approach me in any way, It feels too much like cheating to me and two wrongs never make it right. I’ve been trying to get a job, however nothing is out there right now and trying to get my own started is very difficult also in this current state of the economy. So I am working on the house to at least take care of some of the complaints he has to remove them so to speak but without all the things we had it’s like I missing the energy to do it. So each day I try to do a little bit as I can deal with it. It also seems like I am cleaning up not only the mess in the house but also the mess in my life. I am hoping that when I am done the stage is set for something new with him, kind of a new start. He hasn’t left yet and is not shutting anything down just now so that gives me the time to learn more about your way of doing things and the time to get it all worked out. Putting him out of my mind really is not an option because when it comes down to it he is worth it and I love him. I know that when he comes around I will have the man that I want and need because I had it before and just didn’t know it. I let things get away from me settling in and not doing anything to work on the relationship cause I didn’t know how so I let days weeks month and years go by not doing anything when I felt deep inside that something was missing. It was me doing the wrong things pushing nagging or not doing anything at all to make things better or communicate or let him come to me or opening up to him so he could come.
Simply stated I love him and now I feel I have at least some tools I can work with.
Thanks
U

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 7:41pm
112: Maria says:

Girls and boys,

update of the circualr dating results so far.

Tell me if this sound right:
He does not say much, nor does he bring flowers, but l feel very much at ease around him. He is stabile in everything he does. He knows all my bad qualities (lm lazy sometimes) and in a way l feel like anything l do or might do is ok with him and not cos he tries to please me, but he is just very grown up and he does not take it as big deal. l feel like l can rely on him. When l ask help l can be sure that l will receive it. Bottom line – a man does what he says. p,s. he has said he loves me.

And then tell me if this sounds right:

lve been thinking about him since 2006. He brings butterflies to my stomack. He turns me on. However, l feel tiny and little around him. He says very nice things to me. Like – lm the most sexiest woman he has ever come across to (check), lm love of his life (check), he cant be without me (check).
And the funny thing is – l dont feel none of those things. When l tell him that, he gets angry. he also says l dont pay much attention to him, which is not true, yet he is very selfish in some ways. (liek there are 2 people loving him on that relationship) Plus, l cant count on what he says. Most probably he changes it in next minute.
lm under some kind of spell – like whenever lm with him, l loose my power. l dont like it.

Now you may think the first one is right and second is wrong. However l think those 2 are 2 opposites. l miss the butterflies on 1 st one, and reliabilty in 2nd one. Should l go for nr.1 and be without passion, or should l learn some tasks to pin down nr 2, who has captured all my mind and soul? p.s. he has also said he loves me.

Maria

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 9:48pm
113: Rori Raye says:

Maria, Circular Dating does NOT mean 2 men. 2 men are very difficult because you’re always bouncing between. Date as many men as you can, and it will all get clear to you. You’re looking for the experience with a man that’s “just right…” Love, Rori

Monday, 7 September 2009 @ 10:15am
114: Daria says:

Uschi – I feel concerned and hear your resistance to Rori’s advice. The way to keep the man you love is to focus on yourself, and also, if he is not treating you the way you want (he is not) then you must circular date. Refusing to do this and focusing on him and how to please him will only push him away.

Monday, 7 September 2009 @ 6:04pm
115: Uschi says:

Daria,
trust me I am not resisting, just trying to wrap my mind around this totally brand new concept and quite honesty it does not yet feel comfortable. I wish I could afford the book but I just cant at this time. So I am reading this blog, trying to pick up some of what is needed for me to do.
The fact is that we are still living together and he is supporting me. I have been trying to get a job but have not been able to get one yet. I believe he wouldn’t still be here if he was a nasty person or I didn’t mean anything to him, even though he is saying that I am a drain on him and is finances. But he does go to the boat on weekends and has this young woman out there the age of his oldest daughter. He made this remark about her “She is a lot of fun to be with” and then he paused and then said “for now”
So, in effect we still live together, he is still supporting me, but he is distant, very distant. Yet we talk and take care of every day stuff.
He works downstairs and also takes care of things concerning his volunteer group from there and what really totally blows me away is that when something is going on, concerning his volunteer group, he comes upstairs and shares that with me, tells me about it and I can feel how proud he is of the things he is accomplishing with that. I think that this is actually a positive thing that he is doing that and it makes me think not everything is lost. However, he doesn’t want me there on the boat to be part of this group though he has expressed that he wants someone to share all this with him. (and she does that and is part of this group) And I have seen this group, felt the camaraderie that exists between then and I want to be a part of that.
So when he comes upstairs and tells me about what is going on, I am open to him, listen to him give him positive feedback and then he walks away again.
Writing this and thinking about it makes me feel like as if he is asking for something of me and somehow I don’t get it.
So combining this with what he said, he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore etc., I have to much stuff and too much clutter, that I hang on to things that don’t mean anything (even though this stuff is in part for a business I am hoping to start) and that I am draining him it confuses me because to me those are mixed messages. On one hand he shares with me and on the other he tells me that what I do doesn’t fit in with what he does. So is he wishing in one hand and shitting in the other?

Then I go searching on the net for some help out there and come across this blog and website. I am sticking with it because I feel there is something there that makes a lot of sense and the other stuff out there is just pulling money out of your pocket by buying their books etc. that when I read their site is just a bogus way of advertising.
However implementing Rori’s advise, is a totally new concept to me and strange, unfamiliar and new yet it makes sense and she is the only one out there with a blog like this. And though it makes sense it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around it and abandon my old way of thinking, doing and acting.
I read this in the evening when I shut myself in my room, give him space and let him be, do my own thing try to learn about this and then I tell myself “I will start to implement some of this tomorrow, just one thing and then the next day another and so on” but the next day comes and here is this old rut that I am in and I want to step out and just don’t quite have the guts to do it but I am getting closer. However, I feel something is braking lose, hanging there on the edge ready to brake. I am just not quite ready or able yet to let it brake because I have not found that one thing, word, sentence or whatever to reach for and say this is it to reach for.

There was a post on one of your pages and I quote below in ( ) that is so true that spoke so much from my heart that it made me cry and I am crying a lot lately.

( “A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade. Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.”

I KNOW that’s true. That was what I had with my husband when we were dating. It was magical and wonderful and it did expand us. You could FEEL the good will between us, and everything we had to do was just joyful working together, no drama, no fights, no nothing.

It really was absolutely amazing. And now I feel so sad thinking that the fire has gone out for good, like I’ll never even SEE it again much less experience it. And I love my sadness and I love the fact that I DID experience that wonderful kind of chemistry for some time in my life…and I so want to experience it FOREVER. That would feel like me being warm and expansive and joyful, like I don’t have to keep secrets or hide behind a wall anymore, like I can Just Be when I’m with him, and like I can say ANYTHING–even the hard things–and it’ll be heard. And I want to feel a loving physical connection with a good man again. That is what I want to see happen in my marriage and in my love life. And a voice in my head is telling me I can’t have that, that romance only ever declines and can never be rekindled once it’s gone, that once a man has SEEN me for who I am the mystery is gone and he’ll never be interested again. And I love that Voice but I don’t want to listen to it, I want to believe that I’ve still got plenty of mystery in me and that I have the essence of divine, healing femininity within me…that I can HEAL my relationship and myself and my man, just by being me. And that would feel warm, joyful, and blissful throughout my entire body…and now I’m going to go dance so I can get that feeling going.)

This spoke so much from my heart and is so real and so true and so what I feel, and I am almost ready to change a few words into us, you, etc and write it to him as a letter.

I need some help, how do I start and get out of the rut to brake off what needs to brake that I feel so close to braking and reach for that other that I don’t quite see yet.

There is no Notify me of follow up comments via e-mail will there be a follow up to this. I really need some answers and some help

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 5:53am
116: la la land says:

i had some fantastic results… i delivered my first feeling massage that actually worked
first it felt spooky, beacuse it was just as rory described: he did that, i gor treegered, i went outside, i felt being sad,
then he came he said: are you crying,
i said, its just feels sad to me this situation,
then he said, yes, i understand, i should probably do this and that,
i was shocked, than i said i feel so happy,
then he said, well its easy for me, you stopped attacking me, then we went off into the sunset holding hands…

it felt like the moment in wizard of oz when the black and white film became colors, and then i had the sound of the casino machines when all the money falls like rain, what can i say, i don’t remember such meaningful life changing learning since my driving, i think Rory should get a noble prize for her work…

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 6:33am
117: Daria says:

Hi Uschi -

post on the newest front page post (even if it’s a different topic) and we will help you through.

Awesome job turning to the good feelings toward the end of your post… and especially imagining what thtat would be like (that was a trouble spot for me).

We all practice this in babysteps, just implement a little thing.

Do not write him a letter using we/or YOU. That is something we totally avoid.

If you would like to write such a letter, Rori calls it “Power Speech” write what you feel, then take every statement and turn it into an “I feel…” or an “I don’t want…” keep the word YOU out of it as it makes it hard for the otehr person to hear your feelings. The letter might wind up being short, which is good… also stick in a couple of “What do you think?” in there asking him what he THINKS not feels involves him in the process… (ok to use you in that statement)…

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 2:54pm
118: Daria says:

La la land that rocks!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 2:55pm
119: Uschi says:

Daria,
well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion that a lot has to do with respect. He didn’t respect some of me so in turn I didn’t respect some or most of him and it seems to a man respect is a lot and that a man when being respected is also being loved. But if one feels kind of down on themselves then they are missing respect for themselves and that is how I understand the loving yourself thing.
If we did not respect each other then we were mirroring each other and that lead to the brake down.
That leads me to understand and think that if I make that start and work on the things that I need to work on and are a huge complaint in his eyes, then I also work on myself and in fact giving him what he needs and what I need.
With that power speech I will need some help and suggestion, because I know that what I took from that other post is just a bit mushy for him LOL but it worked wonders for me, he is just all logic and feelings to him just get in the way of things that need to be done or so he keeps saying. His things is don’t tell me what you are going to do just do it. With this I guess he is waiting to see what is really being done and it not all be words and empty promises.
Help please with that power speech.
Sending a big THANK YOU too
Uschi

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 3:22pm
120: Daria says:

Hi Uschi- yes men are genearally pretty logical and straightforward… that’s how we want them to be… that is masculine energy

it’s up to us to be soft, feminine and “mushy” and share our feeling messages with him in a way he can hear (regardless of what he says, or “expects” from us)

check out the Speeches for Communicating With a Man category on the right hand column
======>

if I were in this situation, I would most certainly be giving him the “no boyfriend speech” meaning he can’t have me all to himself while he’s figuring out what he wants, and yet it’s not “breaking up” with him..

please work on YOURSELF and WHAT YOU WANT not the things he says he wants you to change… trying to change yourself to please him will not work…

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 7:40pm
121: Chrissy says:

Hi Rori
My man and I have been together just over 2 years and have been exclusive throughout that time. He is 35, I am 37. I have been married before and have 2 children. He has never been married or even lived with a romantic partner. In fact I am the most serious relationship he has ever had.
I discovered your books and tools about a year ago and they have been hugely helpful but I still struggle and I have a couple of questions please.
I have always found it incredibly difficult to be vulnerable (very much rooted in my childhood) but when I allow myself to be “weak” (my old perception of vulnerable) he really responds and I can tell it brings him closer. My “strength” (or at least my idea of strength) seems to anger him. Could I be coming across as masculine when I think I am being strong?
He has asked me to move in with him at the end of next month. (He owns his house whereas I rent). Before we move in, some repairs and re-organisation needs to be done to his house and his life. He seems at times to be incredibly stressed by this process (which I mistakenly? interpret as his commitment / love wavering) and I have tried to make it easier by helping him with the building and sorting out of his spare rooms etc. But the more I help, the more stressed he seems to become. I am now feeling scared that he will pull the pin on us moving in but I am wondering if my efforts to help are actually the exact opposite of what I should be doing? Is this stopping him from being masculine? But if I stop, wont he interpret it as me not caring about how much needs to be done and think of me as lazy?
I hope you can help Rori.
Chrissy xx

Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 8:28pm
122: Uschi says:

Daria,
you are right I should not do those things for him, however I need to do them for me too. I have always been a pack-rat and very disorganized and I need to correct that for myself. It is just that he had asked me to do that too so it’s kind of like hitting 2 flies with one fly-swatter. (that’s a German expression btw). I feel that if I get organized with my stuff that I can be more organized in my life too. After all we still do live together and whatever I can do to make both of us more comfortable I feel will benefit me, him and the relationship.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009 @ 12:32pm
123: Rori Raye says:

Chrissy – welcome, and how bout this. Let HIM make the plans, do what needs doing, and if he ASKS you to do something, you do it. You can also say this: “Is there anything you’d like me to do to help? And then let him assign you tasks. Yes, helping unasked is masculine. It’s overfunctioning. Carrying out tasks as delegated by him is feminine, even if it requires real thinking on your part to get it accomplished. Just check in with him before you do anything that would initiate action. It’s his house, his plan, his inviation to you. Let him be totally in charge. You just be an appreciative, warm, soft, receiving, thanking him girl. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 9 September 2009 @ 2:00pm
124: SmileyK says:

Hi Rori
I don’t really know how to deal with my situation & what to say to my boyfriend so hear goes. At the beginning of our relationship we both worked fly in/fly out job on the same minesite (that is how we met) so got to see each other regularly. We began to spend less time with each other as he ended up working elsewhere. The yr after we got together, I took him on an overseas holiday, when we got back we both worked in town, not fly in fly out however I went back out on the mines 6 months later & he stayed working in town but I was home regularly. He asked me to move into his place in June last year (known as the bachelor pad) and a month later he starting working away again and his roster has gone from 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 to now 8 weeks away. He took a job working for his brother in another state (where all his family is) in april this year and it was only meant to be for a month but has now turned into 5 months and I have only seen him for 3 weeks during this time. I was made redundant at the end of October last yr & have been working back in town full-time and practically living by myself in his house (which is now ours but doesn’t feel like its ours cos he’s hardly ever there). It’s been hard trying to make the adjustment back to “normal” life again and I have been feeling so abandoned, lonely, sad, angry & upset. My dad was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour earlier this year and had to go thru chemo & radiotherapy and this was a huge thing for me to deal with and I was so upset during this time (my bf was working away so didn’t have love & support face to face). I am usually such a happy person but I haven’t been for the past year and all I feel like is that I’m a housekeeper & billpayer. I miss him so much & would like him to be back in my life all the time so that I can share my life with someone. I understand he has a responsibility to finish this job for his brother but he has a responsibility to our relationship too. His friends say that I am best thing that has happened to him, but why don’t I feel like that? I had a very uncomfortable conversation with him last Sunday night as I have been asking him when he will be coming back so that I have something to look forward to & he got all angry with me & asked me to stop nagging him, I just bottled up and didn’t have anything else to say and have since “leaned back” and made no contact with him & nor have I received any contact from him. I have been saying all the wrong things (have had a read of our blogs & listened to your cd’s) and I think I have pushed him further away without realising it. I have been able to have some space & think about what I want & focus on myself and I realise that I want him, it feels so empty without him. He has a heart of gold and we get along well when we are together but the time apart is absolutely killing me. I feel so disconnected from him right now. We have been together for 3 ½ years. I hope you can help me with the things I need to say to reconnect our relationship. Kylie xo

Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 1:05am
125: Rori Raye says:

SmilyK, Welcome, and you are in a difficult situation. 3 1/2 years without marriage, and a serious discussion about how you’re going to manage all this traveling. It’s hard to now just open up the discussion, but you have to. You CANNOT be EXCLUSIVE with a man who you are not married to, and who is away from you and not giving you what you need. Do NOT let that happen to you! Circular Dating – even WITHOUT the “dating” will help you tremendously to get your balance back. Love, Rori Stay leaned back…

Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 11:26am
126: Angeline says:

Hi,

Well it looks like I’ve achieved “too many men” in my circular dating. I feel like a diva and all, but also really, really exhausted and a little confused. (For example, yesterday I got two of their texts mixed up, no harm done, no one noticed except me.) I guess I’m overwhelmed, especially since the person I do have a crush on doesn’t seem interested and I’m working hard to distract myself from that.

Any advice on how to make this all a little more… relaxing? I’m thinking I might implement a “no texting” rule.

~ Angeline

Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 4:59pm
127: Daria says:

Angeline — Rori told me when I first started Circular Dating to make sure I REST. Whatever that would mean to me.

Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 7:53pm
128: la la land says:

hi rory,
my man doesn’t respond well when i get ill, i don’t get ill that often, but i do have this tendency towards weakness and nearly fainting when i get overwhelmed or overworked,[just hosted two big events at our home day after day, over-functioning, right?]
anyway, yesterday i got weak and he had no passionate, at first i said i feel attacked, and surprised [i do] by this attitude then i got swept by being very angry and drama queen, then he apologized but i was too right to be nice, and so it went on.
i think i was very clear that this attitude is not acceptable for me, [making my borders] i said weak is part of being strong, and i truly believe that,

maybe i just dont take good care of myself and that is scary for him?

i know i could have handled all this differently

please, what do you think?

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 1:35am
129: Uschi says:

Hi Rori,
last night he fell asleep like so many times with the book in his hands and the glasses on his nose and the light on. And like so many times I rescued the glasses and his books from being rolled over on by him in his sleep and I turned the light off. But I took a moment and allowed myself to feel. Looking at him the way he was sleeping there made me remember the things we used to do. He used to kiss me awake or took my glasses off when I fell asleep with them on reading a book. Sometimes when he did that I was still half awake or just on the edge of sleep and I would feel him do this and then kiss me and put the blanket over me. It felt so good, I felt so loved when he did that. Last night when I stood there looking at him I felt so sad, so hurt that all those nice things we did for each other are not being done anymore at least not now and I want that back. It also reminded me of the first kiss he ever gave me on our first trip out on the boat. I had gone below cause I got a bit of seasickness but didn’t want to let anyone know (it was a dive trip looking for a wreck they had found scanning) so I went to sleep for a little while because I knew when I wake up my body would be used to the motion of the boat and I would be fine. He came below maybe an hour later and just kissed me. I was still half asleep and didn’t let on that I noticed and I enjoyed the feeling that it gave me.
This morning he came upstairs and said: “We will be getting one or two pallet loads of books and your daughter (she is going into the army reserve waiting to be shipped out having had a bad marriage, her husband left her sitting with 4 children cause he’d rather do drugs, she is staying with us now and her stuff is in the garage) will have to move her stuff or compact it.”
First of all using the word “we” kind of blew me away, second before he said at one time before that “he” was not going to be free storage for her cause she didn’t carry her weight around here (she really didn’t, even though she said she would help me sort my stuff and help me get organized cause that seems to be the biggest issue with him) and she would have to move her stuff.
I told him that we will take care of the garage and he kind of turned and said: “You saying this worries me cause you have said things like that before and not done it”
Well, I took some time and thought this over for a moment and then I went to him and said:
“I feel it is my daughters responsibility to take care of that, it is her stuff and I would feel better if he would tell her also. What do you think?” Right out of Rori’s book (I think)
he turned and told me that I brought her here and therefore it is my responsibility as well as hers, and if we don’t do it because he really needs the space he would have to do it but she probably wouldn’t like the way he does it. Then he turned and said he needed to do his work and I just said OK cause even though I feel she is a grown up and has to take some responsibility for her stuff and herself however he was also right that it needs to get done and I did bring her here. I didn’t want to argue and just let it sit. I feel I got my feelings message across and hopefully approached it in the right way. Any comments on this?
Ursula

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 6:58am
130: Rori Raye says:

Ursula – your job now is to take care of the garage. There can be no discussion with your man until you get this done. Love, Rori

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 11:59am
131: Rori Raye says:

la la, DO you take good care of yourself? Surely, physical “weakness” and near fainting is not a good thing. And if you’re getting overwhelmed or overworked — that’s the place to start changing things…right there. Yes, he’s worried that you don’t take care of yourself and it will fall to him. That’s why he’s not compassionate. Love, Rori

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 12:00pm
132: Daria says:

Whoa Rori – I feel shocked and sooooo curious of your response to Ursula. I feel frozen in my tracks…

Do we do what the man asks us to do?

Because we agreed with it? or…. because he is being the masculine energy decider?

What about a man who asks me to do something I don’t want to do?
(I usually say I don’t want to do that. And don’t do it.)

Please clarify on this … thank you.

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 12:40pm
133: la la land says:

thank you rori
no i guess i never took good care as i should
i was kind of pretty with no effort but then i grew old and natural became neglect maybe
but i started dentist today, so its an important babystep for me,
my other major issue here is the exclusivity subject
it kills me, i know now its my problem and not his, i know its a self esteem issue, but can i ask him? can i say are we exclusive?

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 1:40pm
134: la la land says:

+
yes, i guess my health and beauty issues are kind of the same , i was a natural healthy person but with age and many relationship mistake i enter stress and illness into our life, i was seriously ill twice last year, and me being here is part of my healing process i guess.

if i am the first domino, are all his backup girlfriend are my insecurities in person, did i created him as an unfaithful husband with my fears and obsession?

before the last boom, we had a small exclusivity talk in wich he said, he cant see himself as being just with me till he dies, then i realized i had lost his commitment and he has lost his interest in me.

since then allot was done and repair, through reconnect and siren and the book and here, and we had some amazing days, the question is, will the other shoe drop? will this girls will go away with time? how can he feel safe and happy to be just with me? do grownups compromise here? do i need to accept that exclusivity is not that important?

i learned i need to trust myself and not him, but how does that look like? what are my boundaries like on this issue? i have no idea.

rori?

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 2:49pm
135: Uschi says:

la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 2:51pm
136: la la land says:

uschi dear
im happy to meet another old shoe like me here on the blog, just to remind you what rori says [and she is apparently always right]: small steps make big difference!

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 9:31pm
137: Uschi says:

actually the comment above and also repeated below was meant for Daria not la la land
LOL guess I had a blond moment here

Uschi says:

la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.

Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 9:52am
138: Uschi says:

Last night something strange happened. Earlier in the day as told above we had the discussion about the garage and that it needs doing. I was also working yesterday for my friend, who has a flower shop, doing flowers for a wedding that is taking place today. We were not able to finish everything because her 9 year old son had back to school night so she said we either finish when she is done with that or I come in early in the morning (today) and help finish up putting the final touches on the bouquets and doing the corsages and lapel flowers for the men.
As always he was ready to go to the boat and I had called him from work letting him know to wait a bit before taking off cause the beltway was a mess again with rain and accidents and all that. Boat is about an hour and half from here.
So he was still here when I got home. I let him know what was up with the work. At a later time when he was getting ready to leave he asked me: “What are your plans for the weekend?” I told him again about the deal with my friend and that possibly I am going to be there early in the morning if we don’t finish it up that night.
Well, I was really surprised that he asked me for my plans for the weekend cause he hasn’t done that in a very long time. I had the destinkt feeling that he was going to ask me to come to the boat with him, though I could be wrong. When he heard that I already had plans even though they were not definite or 100% he said OK and then “Well I am outta here see you Monday morning” When I asked him why he was wondering about my weekend he just said that he was wondering about it. Now I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything about my plans but let him know that I was free cause I really want to know why he asked and if my gut feeling is right about him wanting to ask me to come to the boat. I guess I screwed this up big time.

Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 10:25am
139: Angeline says:

Hi Uschi,

Maybe I’m misunderstanding this, but my take is that you DID have plans. You weren’t going to drop your commitment to your friend for him, were you? I dunno. I would just let him think about it for a bit. If he wants to make plans with you he can ask you earlier in the week. And if he has something to tell you he can arrange to do that at a good time for you.

~ Angeline

Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 2:58pm
140: Uschi says:

Hi Angeline,
no I was not going to drop my commitment to my friend at all – what I am curious about it why he all of a sudden asked what plans I had for the weekend and it may be wishful thinking but I was under the impression that he was gonna ask if I wanted to come to the boat with him. I am curious of why he asked me and curiosity kills the cat right. I wish I could find out what was on his mind when he was asking that. There seems to be a bit of a shift in him or in us and maybe me because I have started with some of Rori’s things from the book, though not totally have wrapped my mind around it and only got 2 or 3 feelings messages in – not sure how to describe that. Maybe if you read my other posts, if you haven’t already, you find out whats going on. Is he noticing in his subconscious a change and responding a bit or whats going on. Can’t believe that there could be a change however small after just a few days of reading this blog or Rori’s e-book.

Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 5:16pm
141: emma says:

Hi Rori, I made the mistake of being emotionally exclusive with a man who had actually out and out told me that he didn’t know if he wanted a committed relationship. I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and that I wanted to expand my group of friends and see new people. He’s currently on holiday for 2 weeks and in this time I have re-joined the internet dating site where I met him and have started chatting with 3 guys, 2 of which have asked to meet me. I am scared of telling him that I’m meeting other people as I think he’ll be angry. Because of this, I don’t know if my heart is really in circular dating or if it’s the right thing for me. I value your opinion Rori, and those of everyone on this wonderful website. How should I tell him?

Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 2:02am
142: Lynn says:

I am wanting a relationship with someone who has told me he is not ready for a relationship. I am confused on knowing how to deal with this. Briefly this is our story. I went to school with him, he was in a class ahead of mine. But we were not close. Years later we ran into each other only to find out that my boyfriend and his wife was ex-lovers. The next year the unexpected happened and my boyfriend and his wife had an affair. Needless to say we both were hurt by that situation. I did not communicate with him much because I could not deal with everything that was going. Over the past 3 years we may have ran into each other at times, but we never really talked too much about what happened. My ex and his ex got married and have a child together. I have not spoken to my ex since we broke up, over 3 years, but my friend sees them all the time because he has kids by his ex wife. Well recently we got back into contact with each other and this time we both are single.

We both began talking to each other more and strangley enough I found out we have a lot in common and we share many of the same values. We began developing feelings for each other and just decided to pursue each other. So within only a few months he began distaning himself away from me and I noticed this and became frustated with him. He knows that I am looking for an exlusive relationship that will lead to marriage. I told him this in the beginning, then finally when we talked he said he was not ready for a serious relationship. He feels like after so many broken relatioships he just want time to himself. The problem is I know this and I told him I understand and we still continue to talk but not as much. We’ve had sex a few times and it seems when we spend time together we are good. But then when he’s away he calls every so often and when he does call he normally talking about his future plans and asking me what I think. He hardly ever consider my feelings. In my eyes he is a good person and have many qualities I like in a man. But I feel like he is not allowing me to get close to him. I don’t call him he calls me. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to spend more time with him to see if we could have something here. But he’s so in and out and not giving me much. There are times I just want to leave him alone completly and then I have times were I just love his company and being around him so much that I don’t want to break all ties with him. I don’t what to do? Any advice?

Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 4:56am
143: simple says:

hi again
ok.. here I go again.. We had a great fri night. Great sat went to dinner visited family at their new place (mine) on the way home he asked me about my ex.. now he’s pissed that I “lied” I don’t “follow through” I don’t think of my children… etc.. won’t talk to me. and we had tickets for a big show tomorrow and now he says he’s not taking me.. wants nothing to do with me. I’m too frustrating. I didn’t do anything. honest. I don’t yell, I don’t fight well. i can’t find words to hurt someone like he does. I just am so lost.. I don’t know what to do. i can’t concentrate. every week there’s days he won’t talk to me. Is this normal?? i’ve never been in a relationship where I have felt so bad and lonely and unwanted. He just said he loved me yesterday and talks of our future together and now he says we have no future.

Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 10:40am
144: Rori Raye says:

Emma, Welcome, and you are NOT in a committed relationship. He KNOWS he has no right to all your time and loyalty. You don’t need to tell him anything. If you make a date with someone and so can’t see him when he asks, and he asks you…say you have a date with someone else. Then give him the No Boyfriend speech and remind him it was he who said he didn’t want a committed relationship, so you’re following his lead. Everyone will help you here. Love, Rori

Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 2:10pm
145: Uschi says:

To add on to above -
Actually I am not sure if there really is a shift in “us” or if it is more a change in his attitude kind of like stand back and watch what happens. Just not sure of anything right now. Feel confused, unsure, insecure, lonely, hurt, want to cry all the time and I am supposed to love myself according to Rori. Not getting it. There is something else I don’t get -many of you talk about being sexually attracted to a man. I have never been sexually attracted to a man and only got and get turned on and respond when I man makes the first move towards having sex. I have never been the one to try to start and when I did it within my previous marriage I got turned down. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me cause I do respond and have fun doing it (though not for a long time now with him …………. but wish for that to start again eventually sometime soon) Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t see when a man is good looking or attractive and that I wouldn’t like being besides him, but I do not look “below” that or get turned on or think what would it be like to have a roll in the hay with him. It just never enters my mind and I don’t get all “juicy” – am I supposed to so a man is attracted to me or what? I just don’t get it. I have heard women talk about going to one of those male stripper shows and get all hot and bothered and then go to bed with a man or attack their husband/boyfriend when they get home. I never been to one of those shows I don’t think it would do anything to me. What is going on here – am I not allowing myself cause of the way I have been brought up or is there something lacking in me?
I do want a good sex-life with him too even at our age cause we still can.

To change the subject. I have been working some on the garage like I promised him but waiting for my daughter also to help. After all it is her stuff, but she was to come home yesterday and decided that it was more important to stay with one of her friends to “support” her with a problem. I feel like bitch-slapping her for that. She said she’ll be here this afternoon. Meanwhile he is back from the boat and I think that bitch he is getting his ashes hauled by was there but I just don’t know.
I just want our relationship back on track and get married sometime in the future to him. Trying to concentrate on me and my feelings and all that and leaning back. Still trying to get the full picture of that and having a hard time with it. But I have stepped back, way back and not talked to him about anything concerning our relationship.
Babysteps – yea maybe – but I need big strides and guess it has something to do with instant gratification – cause I need it, want it more than anything.

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 7:48am
146: Rori Raye says:

Lynn, Welcome, and you aren’t going to like my answer. All my Tools will help you: Circular Dating, Leaning Back, Feeling Messages…everything you find here and in my newsletters and book and programs…and yet…bottom line here is the WHY of why you’re putting so much energy into a man who’s giving you so little. I don’t care how great he is. The only thing that counts is what he GIVES YOU. This is a matter of self-esteem and boundaries, and the need to chase after a man. I’ve been there. So please focus on building yourself up, and we’ll all help you. Love, Rori

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 3:43pm
147: Lynn says:

Rori, How unfortunate, but so true. I want to thank you because your program has encouraged me to search more on relationships and even learn to be a relationship coach one day myself. I am going to follow the tools and write my journey as I go, so that maybe I can help others one day. Thanks again. I’ll keep in touch and yes I will need the help.

Lynn!

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 5:15pm
148: Chrissy says:

Hi Rori
Thank you so much for your answer to my previous question – I have definitely taken that on-board and leant back and his whole vibe re moving in has changed (last night he was saying how I will have to hand my notice in to my landlord soon ).
I feel confused about 1 thing though – in one of your previous posts / emails? you mentioned showing emotion due to something sad being on TV and how the man was very drawn to that emotion. Last night we were watching TV and a very sad ad came on showing a mother standing in a kitchen and you can hear her thoughts. They are mundane thoughts and she is pondering what to give her children for dinner.. Her thoughts say.. “before I got the phone call, I was thinking, hmm, do I give them lamb – kids like lamb – or should I give them takeaway – but that isnt good for them no matter how much they love it is it”… then the screen cuts to her sitting beside a young child in a coma and her thoughts say “when really, if he would just open his eyes, I would happily give him fish and chips every day”. I was greatly affected by this and got very teary (and even typing it now I am teary eyed). My man’s response was “oh grow up, it is only an ad”. I replied.. “I am not going to apologise for feeling sad about this”. His reaction confused me. (plus he knows that my very young god-daughter died in a car accident and before she slipped away I spent 2 days in ICU pleading with her to wake up so the ad very much resonated with me). Do you (or anyone else) have a take on why he reacted like this? Thanks, Chrissy xx

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 8:58pm
149: Breanna says:

Hi, this is my first post so i hope i do this right.
I’m 18 and i’ve never had a boyfriend. So im new to how this love thing works.
I met this guy through my bestfriend, and we’ve been seeing eachother for over a year now but he doesn’t want to commit to me, and i don’t know why? He’s the first guy that i’ve ever fallen in love with. He makes me happy and he makes me feel loved but i think that he’s just stringing me along and i don’t know if i should keep holding on or let him go. Here’s the catch, he’s dating my best friend… He tells me that he’s going to break it off with her but he doen’t… is my heart in the wrong place?

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 9:54pm
150: Rebecca says:

Hi Rori — I’m a newbie to your programs. I purchased your ebook awhile back and am now working through Targeting Mr. Right and the Modern Siren programs. I’ve also recently purchased Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him and am using his Online Dating kit.

A little background about me — I was married for 18 years to a very creative and nice man. However, he was an alcoholic. Last year I’d decided I’d had enough and took a job on the opposite coast and we agreed to separate. We are still very good friends, but I was relieved to move on.

The first year, it was all about me. I loved the independence and the freedom and discovering things about myself. I lost weight, got into shape (no more frumpy housewife) and started to notice men were taking an interest in me again, but only from a distance.

I then realized that I was getting lonely and was ready to share my life with someone again. So I started going places and doing things with the idea that I’d meet someone doing something we both enjoyed. I signed up for a class and *zing* my Mr. Right appeared.

After flirting with me online and in class, we agreed to meet up and go to a show together. On the way, he pulled out his iphone and showed me a picture of a dog and told me it was his girlfriend’s dog. I was stunned. Up until that point, I had no idea he had someone else in his life! (In fact, many people think he’s gay!)

The truth hit me hard, but I genuinely liked the guy, so we continued hanging out, getting to know each other, and became good friends, seeing each other for class and attending shows once or twice per week for the past four months.

I guess I became the “new friend” that most GF’s dread. But both of us have a strong sense of integrity. (We are in our late 40s). We never crossed any boundaries.

Since starting your program, I’m thinking that he’s with a “just for now” girlfriend. They don’t live together, they are not engaged, although they’ve been together for a few years. He also was married once before. After his divorce, he didn’t date for about two years, then hooked up with his current GF. He’s dropped some comments that make me think that he’s only now realizing that she’s not his “forever girl”.

I’m also thinking that I may be his “forever” girl.

And I think he may have started wondering the same thing.

Our class has now ended, so we no longer see each other on a regular basis, though we still stay in touch. During our last conversation we talked about how “some things are worth waiting for”. I felt like he was suggesting that one day, in the not too distant future, we might be together.

But, in the meantime, I know I can’t just sit around waiting. So I’ve started circular dating and am trying to meet “available” men. (I still have a lot to learn about myself!)

If, in the process, my guy does come around and realize I’m his “forever” girl, or another Mr. Right turns up, I’ll be sure to let you know!

Rebecca

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 10:05pm
151: Daria says:

Wow Rebecca – right on. You have the perfect attitude as I see it. I feel excited for you reading your comment!

Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 2:06am
152: Maria says:

Rorky l have another question. (lm being like a little child learning to live and asking:) and l know its a topic lot discussed, but l ask anyway:

what does it mean when he wants “space” for couple of days.

my way of thinking is this:
if he really did want me and love me, he wudnt want a space. not from me, cos he obviously loves me. The fact that he wants it, means he is not into me, he just fools me to keep me around, and now its some sort of space.

l didnt complain, tho, l said :you can have your space.

to me its weird, cos lm teh person who likes to bond and this space thing is odd to me, hence l think the way l think above.

But – lm always ready to hear if l need to be more educated on this, and my attitude is too hush

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39am
153: Maria says:

God, l wrote Rori name accidently so wrong – lm so sorry

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39am
154: sheila says:

Hi Rori,Thank u for this board, I’m new to this.
I can’t find the question I wrote to you about masturbation and my partner:(
I’m so confused

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 9:50am
155: Daria says:

Maria… it means you need to lean back. When you’re leaning back and Circular Dating and paying attention to YOU, there is no reason for him to want space, because he has all the space in the world and gets to decide when he will contact you. Most likely he will want to be around you maybe more than you are even available.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39pm
156: Uschi says:

I have been leaning way back in the past two weeks or so. Basically ignored him, which is not always possible (we still do live together) gone out, just leaving to go for a walk or something, not telling him what I am up to. Only a few times let him know what was up so he knew I was helping my friend in her store etc. Yesterday I was gone for a good 3 hours and I guess he didn’t even notice that I left (I went to the park to read Mort Fertel’s book Marriage Fitness) When I came back he just said hi in a real friendly like way. I have tried to get some feeling messages across not relating to our relationship though, just about a movie we saw about Germany and WWII which does have an impact on me cause I grew up in post WWII and know ppl who have been in the war and their stories. I don’t see any results as of yet.
How can I get our communication going again, without him withdrawing. How can I coax him out of his shell out of his hurt that I apparently caused. I have tried some circular dating, not really dating though just flirting and leaning back and I am disgusted with that. Cause the men out there just don’t have an impact on me at all.
How can I get some faster results. I have ready Rori’s book and I am trying to implement it, though nothing is coming from him. I need something to wake him up. How do I do this?

Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 3:17pm
157: T.R. says:

Hi Rori

I too am struggling with “getting results”. I trying to find the courage to begin circular dating. Long story short, I have been dating a guy for 7 months and we have told each other that we love each other. Only now we are on a break because he is healing from his past (he was raising his ex-girlfriend’s kids and now they are no longer in his life). He continues to tell me that he wants a relationship with me when he is healed, but that he can’t give me what I deserve right now. I have been asked out on dates and I am feeling confused. I feel like I should accept these dates because the man I love is not giving me what I want in relationship terms, but I feel guilty because I know the man I love does not want me to go on dates.
Are these conflicting feelings normal? And is it still o.k. to go on dates in this situation?

Please let me know your thoughts, as I am feeling very conflicted….

Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 8:51pm
158: Rori Raye says:

Maria – oh my goodness…a man NEEDS SPACE. If he’s good and loving, and devoted to you and warm — give him all the space he needs. (This is the short, blunt version.) Love, Rori

Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:13pm
159: Rori Raye says:

Breanna, Welcome, and now’s the time to experiment with lots of dating, lots of men, and maybe try out a boyfriend for a bit. But, you absolutely can’t do this unless each and every man is devoted to YOU. A man who is also dating your best friend is completely OFF LIMITS!!!!! What does SHE say?

Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:22pm
160: Helen says:

Hi Rori

My marriage has been a bit rubbish for a while now. But in May i discovered that my husband was having an affair. This has now stopped, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but i don’t feel secure with him anymore.
I know he loves me and cares for me, but it seems like we’re just friends. We don’t have sex anymore and he doesn’t touch me or make me feel sexy or attractve anymore. I need more.
I have spoken to him about it and i have been reading your e-mails that you send everyday. I even downloaded your book, but i just can’t seem to attract him back, which is making me very angry and upset.
Please please help me get him back
Love Helen

Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 7:43am
161: Rori Raye says:

Helen, Welcome, as I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this…There is a lot going on here. A good counselor for both of you together would be a good step and a statement of intent for him. Todd Creager works by phone, and he’s tremendous. Perhaps there’s someone who works with John Gottman’s techniques in your town. Love, Rori

Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 12:15pm
162: Uschi says:

I kind of got blown away today and I don’t know how to take it and I am wondering if I am reading more into this than what it actually means. Since reading this blog here I have started to lean back – way back, and now I also have Rori’s book to help me. It is difficult for me to do at times, it would be so much easier to go downstairs with the every day things and ask or get his opinion on something. Instead, I am not doing that, nor am I talking with him about our relationship and how much I would love to work things out for us. I’ve basically been doing my own things and every now and then he comes and shares with me things about his interests (diving and boat) and some other tings that are on his mind. He has always done that to some extend but there for a while it was a lot less so, but lately (the past 2 weeks or so) he is looking me more into the eyes and sharing more things with me. Today I went downstairs to get the vacuum cleaner and I waited for a few seconds for him to come out of the bathroom to maybe have give him a chance to talk about whatever. He came out, saw me there with that stupid household appliance, went out of his way to grab it, then looked for his coffee cup, carried both upstairs (with me following him letting him be the man to do something for me) and then he started talking to me about something that is totally not anything that I should, would or could know about even though it has to do with diving. He told me about another person that he knows and what he is doing in life right now and what is happening.
To be honest, I felt a bit – flabbergasted – might be the right word, about him sharing this with me. I don’t know. What I do know is what I felt – what I felt was that I just wanted to rush over there and just hug him and kiss him for helping me with the cleaner. He has not done something like this in a long time. But I didn’t do that though I felt like doing it ( I am aching for a hug from him). For a moment I really felt like a woman, a lady, appreciated for doing what I was obviously going to do. To make the whole thing even stranger it kind of gave me the energy to do it, even though before I felt and thought ‘damn this kitchen and dining room needs cleaning AGAIN’ – I hate cleaning, laundry, dishes etc, – I love cooking.
Anyway, while he was telling me and sharing with me I just leaned back, listened to him and kept eye contact with him. I felt he was giving something to me and I just received and I just let him be him and me be me. Thinking about letting his male energy in, because that’s what it felt like to me. I didn’t stuff anything down, except my impulse to go over and kiss and hug him but I let myself feel what I was felling. Wonderment, surprise, some warmth, at the same time some anger cause I want it to be like that all the time and things have so deteriorated, yet at the same time a feeling of us dancing around each other, circling each other, not literally but emotionally in a way, . Like he is waiting for something and the same for me.
As you all know during this time I am trying and succeeding in small steps in getting my things organized. So I found this Chinese hat the kind the rice farmers wear and something else that I didn’t know if he wanted to keep or not. So I put on the hat and went to him and asked him about that other item. He bowed down with his hands held together in front of him, like the Chinese and Japanese do, with a shit eating grin on his face, saying something to me in Chinese (he’s been there and speaks a few words of the language). Would a man do that if he really felt it was over? Or is he trying in his own way to maybe make a step forward to working things out the only way he knows how?
Did I act or react in the right way today? I really would love some input on this, cause when it comes right down to it I am somewhat confused.

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 10:44am
163: Simply Shannon says:

Uschi! I love what you did. Wow. I feel so impressed reading how you just received from him!! Bravo!! I am fairly new to this myself and definitely not the expert but I loved reading your post! It sounds like you were being inviting and warm while he was sharing. Again bravo!

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 11:51am
164: Uschi says:

Shanon, thanks for your comment and the positive input. I would love to see what Rori would have to say to that also. Because I have been thinking about the way I was and I believe that even though I was leaning back and letting him in, I was not being authentic, because what I really wanted to do was hug and kiss him and tell him how much it meant, at least at this time, that he did this small thing. It wasn’t just what he did but also the look on his face, the feeling I got it was almost like it was when we first met. A matter of fact it was. Somehow over the years we lost that and I want it back. Also I need to know how I can make him feel that way again about me the way he used to feel back then. I get so emotional when I think about this that tears are rolling down my face again.

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 12:21pm
165: la la land says:

Uschi hi

my hurt goes out to you,

i think remembering the baby-steps principal is the main thing here.
i believe the leaning back concept is a dramatic change to us, the ‘leaning forward / stay away from me let me chase you’ kind of girls. we are talking cold turkey here…

you won a moment – cherish it, try to stabilize this new confidence this new feel of yourself,

i know from the last month for me that like eating healthy and doing yoga, this feeling are hard to maintain…

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 2:30pm
166: Rori Raye says:

USCHI =- BRAVA~!!!!! I’m going to take this and make it a post — because this is CLASSIC! Love, Rori. Just keep doing what you’re doing. The small results will motivate you to keep going, and you’ll stop being flabbergasted and get used to it, and then the big picture will just get clearer.

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 3:50pm
167: Uschi says:

Well, the rest of the day went pretty well for me cause I did get the kitchen done, even took the curtains down to wash them. He was basically downstairs in the office doing what he needs to do and the only time I went down was to wash the curtains. Now there is something else that gets me. The moment I come downstairs, he pretends to work and brings up his program real quick. The rest of the time he seems to be sitting there thinking and answering some phone calls. I am so hoping for some together time tonight and as Rori said in one of her posts I am not gonna ask him to take me out for dinner and just gonna let him know that I am hungry. Maybe he’ll step up to the plate and we go out or at least order in a pizza. Cause after I did that kitchen from top to bottom (still have to do the stove) I am hungry and I really don’t feel like cooking

Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 4:34pm
168: Uschi says:

I have another subject. As all of you know by now I do not currently have a job and I depend on him. So whats happening is, that each time something is needed in the way of groceries, or ciggies for me or car insurance my cell bill etc etc I have to ask him for money and he seems a bit annoyed at that. I feel kind of put out by having to do that all the time. So I was thinking about how to reduce that somewhat sore subject, by asking him to just let me have a certain amount budgeted in every 2 weeks. How would you guys approach that. Please give me some ideas on how I could put this in a feelings way and also leaning back – I find the though kind of impossible. When I had a part time job I took care of those little items myself and that was one reason why I even had a part time job, the other of course is that I love working with flowers. Been trying to get a job again but seems like right now it’s just not happening and the only thing I get every now and then is helping a friend in her shop. She however is not ready to have someone on a reg part time bases yet.
Anyone have any ideas? Thanks

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:40am
169: Uschi says:

Oooopsm in reading this again I realized that what I wrote could be misunderstood. What I meant by little things is but my cell, car insurance and few personal things like the on line game I like to play for relaxation. Not the groceries and cleaning stuff, general household items needed to keep up a household, However that amount I would like him to budged like every 2 weeks or so would include everything. Since this is a practical thing I have a hard time to come up with a feelings way to ask.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:57am
170: la la land says:

usci
i know this is hard
but isnt there a way you can find to earn this petit sum?
you sound so brave and intelligent…

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:31am
171: Simply Shannon says:

Uschi: Use your own words and just add “what do you think?”.

I feel kind of put out having to [ask for money] all the time. What do you think?

Let him figure it out. Right now you’ve already thought of the solution (boy). Don’t anticipate the outcome. Be surprised (girl).

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 7:07am
172: Uschi says:

Dear Shanon,
thank you so much for your positive feedback just now. But he kind of “jumped the gun” before I was really ready because, he came up and said we need sugar and coffee and I added other things that we needed. That was before I read your response and I was kind of on the spot there thinking real quick ‘what would Rori say’ and I answered him that there were other things too that needed to be taken care of also, (not mentioning though what they were like insurance and cell phone etc) however, that I feel uncomfortable to always ask him for money and that I would feel better if I had a certain amount to work with and budget, and as an after-though was the “what do you think’ kinda like 30 seconds after I said the budget thing. I kind of felt like I threw it in his lap and then I stood there and waited. By the expression on his face I could see that he wasn’t entirely pleased about having to spend money to begin with on every day things and I did not really feel comfortable about the whole thing. But he knows it needs to be done, so in this respect he does step up to he plate. So later on today he will either go to the bank and get cash or write me a check. So in a way I have reduced an uncomfortable thing to like just twice a month or so. I know I will have to remind him about this, because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon, or like Einstein who was stopped by a student, when he came back from lunch, by a question that he answered and then asked the student, which way was I going when you stopped me. The student told him and Einstein said ‘OK, that means I have had lunch already’ (true story) and then kept going lost in though. Well, that’s him. He forgets to close the doors to the kitchen closets, leaves the mustard and butter out, the knife on the counter and I overlook that, do not fight with him about small things like that cause after all there are more important things,. However, I have teased him about it in the hope that he may be more attentive to such things but it hasn’t helped much LOL

Dear la la land,
thanks for your compliment about me being brave and intelligent. I might be both, brave in any case, not sure about intelligent otherwise I would know as a woman how to be a women and not seek the help of a blog like this at the age of 55. I have tried getting a job, craigs list, news paper, Internet, and the only thing I have is helping my friend in her flower shop every now and then when she has a wedding, and I would love to work with and for her on a permanent part time bases, but she and her business are just not quite ready for that yet and the current economical situation isn’t much help either especially in a field like mine. Trust me I’ve been trying.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 8:07am
173: Uschi says:

Dear Rori,
thank you for your fast and positive response to my post it made me feel good to have been able to accomplish something in whatever small way. Also, I am so thankful that you have this blog where all of us can learn from. When I was looking for relationship help, everyone else just wants to sell their stuff but you have taking it a whole lot further with this blog where women like me with limited funds can get something out of it too.
It really kind of made me feel like I got somewhere and I know that I did. It felt good. However, there is still a lot to be done as you can see in my question in the post above. My question to you now is: since we are living together and he works from “home” he is downstairs all day long and I am upstairs. Me not having a job we are aware of being around each other all day. I am trying to create some physical distance, by just not going downstairs unless I absolutely have to for laundry etc. I believe that is a way of leaning back as I understand it. On nice days lately I have taken a book and my car and drove to the park and left for a few hours, walked the dog etc. or just spend time in my room with the door closed and work on organizing my mess. However, when work time for him is over which is to be like around 5PM, he stays downstairs works in reports for his research or watches youtube with historical movies about military history and wars etc. We never did get the digital box for the TV or have cable or dish. For one thing he doesn’t want to spend the money and for another we are kind of bored with all that stupid mind candy on TV and misinformation and media hype. I’d rather watch a good movie every now and then on DVD or play my game than watch TV and become stupid. The only thing I am missing are some of the shows on public TV which are educational and some documentaries. But that’s besides the point I am trying to make.
When work time is over for him he doesn’t come upstairs he stays downstairs and even said if he could he would sleep and eat down there cause of all my Stuff (I am working on that) Even when I cook dinner and for the two of us that just doesn’t happen every day cause we just rather have a sandwich or something (we call it grazing LOL), he goes back downstairs. We used to watch Jeopardy and some other things together but even then when that was over he went back downstairs to work on reports or whatever.
What can I do, for him to spend more time with me, so I do have a chance to implement some of the things from your book and to also spend some quality time together.
What I mean by that is, he doesn’t get the chance to see me or the changes that I am making or how much I love myself, or feel how I get into my feelings or hear my feelings messages etc if he is always not there or we only talk shortly when he comes up for a cup of coffee or ‘grazing’. If he doesn’t see, feel, hear, and get it and like I mentioned above I been leaning way back, how can that reconnection happen? If you read my post above to Shannon you see what I mean “because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon”
Cause with leaning back I don’t want to be the one to initiate anything in the way of suggesting of spending more time together or doing something together. And boy would I love to do that and also have physical affection again and sex even if we only start out with a hug to start with. Any suggestions on that?

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 8:31am
174: Uschi says:

For all of you out there!
Reading Rori’s e-book and this blog I am learning a lot and still work on implementing it. Today I got an email form Rori which I guess goes out to everyone to read and buy her books and there were a lot of important things in there that now that my mind is more open made a lot of sense. Including and I will quote from her email:
“We’re taught that we have to be dressed to the
hilt, have great hair and makeup and a fabulous
figure.” and then Rori goes on to state “But what DOES have to do with the attraction a
man feels for us is how attractive WE believe we
are. How attracted to OURSELVES we are.
Because when we find ourselves attractive, we
put out a completely different vibe than if we
doubt our attractiveness.”
I believe Rori means being in love with yourself also means being attractive and I totally get that (now lol), however, in a lot of ways we women feel attractive when we look good, when we wear clothes that compliment us, when our hair is OK and we are well groomed. Which made me realize (a bulb went on over my head ha ha cause in some ways the following, that’s me) that when in a relationship we sometimes let ourselves go a lot and at home we walk around in sweats or old t- shirts,, old sneakers, hair just pinned back real fast no make up etc because we are just at home and we don’t have to look our best all the time because we are cleaning or taking care of the house anyway and old stuff is good enough for that and the dust sure isn’t looking at our make up or hair. Or maybe it does, god knows what these little dust mites see that we so rigorously sweep away (a little sense of humor pls here). In trying to organize my house with all the “stuff” that my man is complaining about and a lot of work not getting done when I was having a job, I was also looking for a way to do it in an easier more organized, structured way and came across the website of http://www.flylady.com where you get some hints and tips on just that subject. Reading Rorie’s email and then the email that I get every day from flylady (not always following it to be honest) right after it. There is stated in morning routine, dressed to the shoes brush teeth etc. something went bingo, cause I kind of let things go run around in jeans old t-shirt no make up and hair pinned back and I feel like this old lady in old clothes getting ready to go out and beg. My mom did that (she was never married had me out of wedlock so that was not a good teacher for relationships either and she hated men) so now I am doing it cause it’s what I grew up with and learned. And it does make me feel not pretty at all, not attractive not anything positive in a way. So what I am trying to say with this is, that maybe being a little more careful in what we wear and how we take care of ourselves and look it will maybe make us feel better too. But you’re not getting dressed up for him but for you. The only thing I am thinking now, with him being the professor, when I make that change on top of the other changes Rori is talking about, will he somehow notice, or will he keep on ignoring it. I will do it for me, but at the same time I am doing it for my relationship that means a lot to me.
Any thoughts on that?

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:46am
175: Uschi says:

I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yetat the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks you all!!!!!!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:39am
176: Uschi says:

I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yet at the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks you all!!!!!!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:39am
177: Uschi says:

ooops how did that happen to post twice?

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:40am
178: Daria says:

Hi uschi! I feel angry reading that you think that as a woman you are not intelligent because you read this blog. I feel judged as i too participate in this blog.

#1 rule don’t beat yourself up

also I don’t like the implication and I feel very angry reading it, my shoulder feels tight and so does my face.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 2:56pm
179: Daria says:

Uschi… i read your next posts and I feel better! It seems things are really shifting for you!

My take: NO! Do not write him a note!!! That is WAY LEANING FORWARD!!!

appreciating means saying THANK YOU when …. When HE DOES something FOR YOU!

not notes “for no reason.” so that he can think about you.
that is very lean forward.

otherwise AWESOME JOB with taking care of yourself and starting the shifts to loving yourself. The more you love yourself (and take care of the “stuff” which may even be more of an issue for You than for him deep down), the more he will come and give you attention on his own… and then you can appreciate him and his actions…

appreciate every little thing and attention he GIVES to you. by saying Thank You and allowing yourself to enjoy it

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 3:02pm
180: Angeline says:

Hello,

I need some help from all you divas. What am I supposed to do about match.com guys who seem interested but won’t ask me out? I’ve been exchanging emails with a couple of them. I’m using feeling messages and being open and receptive but they still won’t take the lead and actually ask me out! It’s frustrating because email communication feels very cerebral, no matter how hard I try to make it an emotional connection.

I finally told two of them “I get the feeling we’d have fun hanging out together.” One of them hasn’t responded. The other responded by telling me to call him! But I don’t want to call him because that would be leaning forward and overfunctioning, plus then I’d probably end up planning the whole first date and I don’t want to do that.

Really, it makes me so frustrated with men. They don’t love us when we overfunction, but they’re too… insecure? weak? afraid? to take the plunge and just ask us out. Don’t they have any idea how hard it is for us?

How should I handle this?

~ Angeline

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 4:10pm
181: Carolina says:

Hi Angeline,

I don’t know how match.com works but I wouldn’t normally initiate any contact with the guy other than visiting his profile, hotlist him, wink at him, add the guy to your favorites or any similar functionality, something equivalent to smiling at the guy if you were at a party. Do only enough for him to notice you and after that it’s up to him to write you or ask for your number. In the particular case of a guy that asks you to call him, I would respond “I’m really busy this week but next week seems better. Here’s my number …”. If the guy doesn’t call, he’s just not worth a minute of your attention!
I hope this works.
Good luck!
Caro
PS: make sure match.com is the right website based in your profile and the kind of men you’re looking.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 4:37pm
182: Daria says:

Angeline…

I find the same online. I don’t ever contact men, they contact me.

Rori said before to say… I don’t really feel like talking on line, im at 555 – 5555.

Then he chooses whether to call you, so it’s not really leaning forward very much.

Guys tell me to call them to, I say, I don’t want to call, I feel uncomfortable calling men. Im at 555- 5555.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:44pm
183: Simply Shannon says:

Angeline: I do the same as Daria. Typically men give out their numbers right upfront and say give me a call. And I usually just respond to them by giving them my number. And even if they keep saying the same thing, I just keep giving them an email back that ends with my number.

Typical email from a man…
Here’s my cell number. 555-5555. Give me a call sometime.

My reply…
It would feel great to meet you sometime. My cell is 123-4567. I hope you have a great week! Shannon

I did cut one guy off because he never would call me. I literally said “I feel weird that we haven’t talked yet. I don’t want a date with an email address. You have my number.” And when he emailed me yet again, I said “I feel uncomfortable with this and feel a little wary about continuing to email. I don’t want to feel this way. Good luck with your search.” Yes, that closed it down but it was clear to me that he wasn’t going to call. I suspect that he might have been married or something. Just felt weird, so I ended it. And he still checks my profile. WEIRD!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:00pm
184: Chrissy says:

Hi
I just wanted to share a small success story.. (PS, Uschi I too have a similar issue re asking my man anything to do with money so I have been reading the responses with interest)
My 6 year old son plays a game he calls “opposites day”. On that day (or every day, he is 6 after all ) whatever he says or does means the opposite. I took his game and applied what I have read from Rori.. I decided to respond in the “opposite” way to a situation that previously would have led to an issue with my partner and it seems to have worked!
Last night after we had been to dinner he got angry with me during a (to me) seemingly meaningless discussion. He stormed inside and out to the back deck. I had absolutely no idea why he was angry with me and whenever this has happened in the past I have always followed him and asked what is wrong etc. Last night tho, I thought of “opposites day” and I connected with my feelings (tired, frustrated) and decided to honour how i felt and honour “opposites day” and I simply went to bed!
After a long while, I heard him come inside and I could tell he was looking for me but I was enjoying feeling snuggled in my quilt and drifting off to sleep. When he finally came to bed he made a huge effort to cuddle me (although I was nearly asleep and I did not say anything) and that is how he fell asleep. And this morning he was very attentive! Both behaviours are very unlike him but then it was very unlike me to quietly go to bed (and not confront him first). Yay to opposites day! xx

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:54pm
185: Rori Raye says:

Chrissy – such a cool idea! Making change fun…Love, Rori

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:17pm
186: Uschi says:

Daria,
didn’t mean to make you feel bad I was just frustrated with myself, when others seem me as seemingly intelligent and I don’t really feel that way about myself. But maybe I am at least on some level. Thing is I have always been a kind of do it yourself girl/woman/lady and when something was broken I fixed it myself if I could and most of the time I could. Learned a lot of things which are kind of male oriented, woodworking, painting, hanging sheet rock, laying tile, refinishing furniture, changing out light switches if they are bad. I think I could build a house if you give me the right tools and materials except for plumbing and electricity. Always been hands on and also always ready to help. And those are just a few things to mention. I was and am into many things that just happen to capture my interest and I always thought it was a good thing to be able to know all those things as a woman and be able to do it yourself instead of having some expensive person (nowadays mostly male but sometimes female) to get them to do it and pay lots of money for it. Even made some small repairs on my car years ago putting in a new radiator, changing out the fuel filter and thermostat. Always thought a man ought to appreciate a woman who can do all that and save money. Especially when you it is the case that you ask a man to do somthing and a year and a half later it still isn’t done grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. When we had a fire in the house a few years ago (mostly just smoke damage) I repainted living room, dining room, hallway and bathroom and I had the feeling he was happy that I was able to do that and he didn’t have to bother with it. After all a house is on dirt and he’d rather be on water (in a boat) as it is. And without blowing my own horn I did a damn good job too not just with the painting but also doing some repairs at the same time. Guess that was a little too forward and male oriented and maybe I should have just let him do all that and just help in a female way LOL. (what kind of tool is that? LOL) Yet at the same time I enjoy doing things like that every now and then. And yea, I know I learned a lot not on a doctor or lawyer level or something like that and by god I am not a professor of anything and sometimes I find myself rather under educated though my German education that I have is considered like 6 yrs of college here in the US – but hey life teaches you a lot and you kind of never stop learning but when I said what I said I was upset cause my mom should have been teaching me things like what Rori is teaching – but what the heck she just didnt know any better maybe my grandmother did cause my grandparents had a very very good marriage but that was also during another time and things were different then for woman and I think a lot more natural, unfortunately I never met my grandma she died at a rather young age during WWII – maybe I could have learned from her. Anyway no hard feelings pls.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:37pm
187: Daria says:

Uschi – thanks, I do not feel bad at all. I feel glad you are looking at your good qualities!

I think it’s awesome that you know how to do these traditional “male” stuff. I am into that too! I loved learning about cars, and love changing tires etc. If we are doing it FOR US and because it makes us feel good, then great.

But expecting the man to appreciate it “as help” to him won’t work.

He loves us for BEING not doing, although he may admire us for being able to do stuff (it certainly does not have to scare him like sometimes women are afraid of)… he Loves us for Being us, and not for Doing or Not Doing.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:58pm
188: Laurie says:

Dear Rori,

I have been married 15 yrs. this Thursday. My spouse and I are at a cross roads or should I say I am. For the first 1/2 if not more I played second fiddle to alcohol & his buddies, while my time was spent with our children. I waited, and waited for him to want to enjoy things with me that he planned for us things that I would like to do or see, i.e. I would plan for a birthday or anniversary an overnight trip and maybe a concert or comedy show he would like…. he always appreciated the things I have done for him. i don’t know maybe I was to accomadating when it came to my birthday and it was all planned with the kids, nothing really extra. Don’t get me wrong he has always given me nice, wonderful gifts, but it is all materialistic. Over the past 5 yrs. I just have lost more and more interest in him, just as he has lost his way to provide for us (it’s getting better he has a job now). The biggest thing is, is i don’t really miss him or sharing a bed with him. It’s really kind of sad. A couple of weeks ago we had sex for the first time in along time, it was nice when it was over I wanted to lay on his chest and I began to cry, not really understanding why… maybe for the loss of our relationship, not feeling as though there could ever be more than there is, still trying to figure it out. I feel as though I am really here just for the kids anymore, I guess it helps to a point that he is gone 5 days a week with his new job, home on weekends.

He is not totally to blame as over the years I have felt cheated on by his desire for alcohol and hangin’ with the guys or his family, sometimes I don’t know what I was thinking, getting involved with him as i am not a big drinker. I know my limits and usually choose not to drink, especially knowing that I will have to be the responsible one. Last Xmas his cousin was in town and he chose to drink quite a bit (he had the kids with him) drove them home and then took my son out and had more to drink…. I felt that it was the last straw, but being in the financial situation I have not been able to move out. this new job has helped in giving me some space to hopefully heal. After all those years of feeling as though I did not matter an ex came back into my life (he’s married too) we just can’t seem to want to let go of us, either one of us, but he is not willing to change his situation. I am, but I’m not. I am very confused! I know my husband loves me and adores me and so does the other. where to go from here.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:32pm
189: Uschi says:

Chrissy,
love your comment and your solution – opposite – easy to remember when something comes up – I am so ungrateful – oh no just the opposite

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 4:03am
190: Jo says:

Hi Rori and all. Thank you so much for your wise words, honest heart and tools for change.

I have been with my chap for three years. We lived together for a year and half. In June he moved out to go and live back with his mother as he had nowhere else to go. I am 35 and he is 43. The split was amicable. I asked him to move out he was happy to. I decided that i couldn’t tolerate his half truths, dark moods and he let his ex girlfriend ( mother of his child) control him so much it put a real strain on our relationship. She said that he could see more of his little girl if he didn’t live with me, ofcourse this wasn’t the main factor we split but it was another staw on the camels back. When we initially split i was very upset but stuck to No Contact.

After a week he called me to say he had made the worst mistake of his life and felt devastated. My feeling was that even after a week he still wouldn’t realise just how much he was missing me. I didn’t play any girly games and told him i needed to be left alone as i felt drained and needed to rest my mind and heart for a while.

To cut a long story short after time we did a lot of talking. My friends ( who i value greatly) could see a great change in him and in all honesty he has been consistent in treating me how i believe a man should. Close friends have also seen a positive change in me too. Due to my increased self esteem and self worth i am getting a lot of attention from decent guys when i am out. I am however, a fireclay loyal person and haven’t taken up any of the offers for meals out etc.

The split has done us both good. He now realises just how much his ex and fear weather friends tried to ruin our relationship. I have realised that i was doing to much for him to the point where i don’t think he felt i needed him, this attitude of surrounding my world around him, mentally and physically drained me. I turned down invites, parties with friends just so i could be there for him. I now seriously realise how destructive this was. What annoys me is that i am a very intelligent, independent woman and yet for the life of me i look back and I can’t work out why i acted like this.

Through reading your emails Rori I got a big wake up call, I have learn’t to value myself much more, I spend a lot of time with friends having fun, I do less for him but will ask him to help me with things around the house etc and because i value myself more, he values me too.

My confusion lies with the fact although we both seem happy with each other i don’t see him making any decisions to leave his mums. He stays with me most nights, we spend weekends together and genuinely enjoy each others company. I get the feeling that he is scared to ask to come home as we are getting on so well and doesn’t want to rock the boat. I am not going to ask him when he is going to come home and have left him alone to make his own mind up. It is a real dilemma as i feel i should be saying to him….. it’s make your mind up time. Commit and live with me properly or stay living at your mums and lets both move on with our lives.

He doesn’t get to see his child any more than his ex promised, that was a devious ploy to split us up. I am still hurt that he didn’t stick up to her then, but if we hadn’t of split then he wouldn’t of realised just how vindictive she is. I totally understand that his child comes before me in any condition but to be living out of bin liners in a tiny bedroom at his mums cant be good for his child to see his dad living this way.

For me, as time goes on i get stronger and more independent. What worries me now is after taking a step out of an unhealthy relationship i am beginning to wonder if we really should be together. Now i am stronger and wiser i believe that if a man truly loves you then you know it and feel it. At the moment i don’t feel loved by him just another string to his bow.

Also after three years i have never even met his mum, which i know in my heart is not a good sign. He say’s it is because she is difficult to get on with. I however do not believe that. He also hasn’t told his ex partner he is still seeing me incase she has a tantrum and stops him seeing his child.

I have just read this back to check for spelling and grammar mistakes and i actually don’t know what the bliddy hell i am doing with this person. Maybe it’s the frame of mind I am in today. All i know is i am drained with trying to work out what to do for the best.

After previously being in a relationship with a bully for 17 years and now this confusing relationship for 3 years maybe it’s time to just get to know me.

By the way Rori …… ….you Rock. xx

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 4:27am
191: Uschi says:

Not sure how to act or react to this one. When he gets up in the mornings he is usually pretty grumpy and in a sour mood, to the point that he sometimes slams doors, gets irritated at the smallest things, doesn’t talk and has this generally pissed off look on his face. He does that during the day too at times when things go wrong with his computer or otherwise and when he gets interrupted when concentrating on something. In the past I have at times taken this personally when I didn’t know what caused his irritation or even anger. Now I’ve read a post by Rori and wonder if this could be used if he is acting this way and I quote her here
“you know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling angry and disappointed, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on with us?” but maybe I should word it this way:
“You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling attacked when you are acting like this, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Just a way for me to let him know how I am feeling when he is that way, without accusing him, or making him feel awkward, but letting him know how I feel about it in a not attacking kind of way.
I mean when it happened this morning he was pissed cause my daughters cat had pee-peed on his clothes (that cat need neutering but neither I nor my daughter have the money for that right now). However, on a positive note he said WE again even though it was in a sentence I didn’t really like; WE are not going to take care of the cat when she is in basic training (she is waiting to be shipped out for basic). The WE seems to indicate in a way. at least to me, that deep down it isnot be over for him. Also, reading this blog and about anger, it seems to mee he is stuffing down a lot of it and when it does come out then it is bitching about my stuff or things I did or didn’t do. He does seem to have some regrets about his past, for one giving up a job that made him good money because of his ex wife bitching about it, some apparent regret of not sticking it out not being strong enough to handle it. He mentioned that in passing to me. Now that I think about it, I feel that was a lot for him to say and to say it to me, it was sharing on his part. And learning from this blog and Rori, I believe that he actually shared something with me at that moment that was very deep for him. I just didn’t realize it at that moment, not consciously anyway more like felt it but did not get in touch with it. I know wish I could get back to that moment and respond differently. He also mentioned to me that there was something he shared with his X’s that he will never share with ANYONE again, It has something to do with Nam and what happened there, something to do with killing and apparently his X’s started to change their behavior towards him and he didn’t like that. I believe it made him sad and maybe he even felt misunderstood or not appreciated for doing for his country. I very much wanted to ask him what it was but I didn’t, now I wish I would have said that I felt not trusted or something to that effect cause I believe if he could talk about that to me we would make a big step forward in our relationship.
I have read Rori’s post on “Unearth The Anger And Bring On The Intimacy” and I truly believe that should it come to that point where he is attacking me (and symptoms #2 fit him) he will step back and re-evaluate. There was an incident on the boat once where the fuel filter went bust and he had to fix it and I heard his now famous “God damn it” and I felt it was directed at me. For me that was a “normal” reaction because of my alcoholic husband who always made me feel like I was at fault. Thing is, I let him know then how it made me feel when I heard his “God damn it” and he stepped back way back and apologized and told me it wasn’t me and I could even see in his face how sorry he was that I felt that way. Looking back now, I also realize that at the beginning I shared so much more of myself with him (wow all the stuff that comes up just blogging here – amazing) at that time and I guess somehow when I moved we or maybe I should say I let every day problems get in the way and I kind of reverted to old ways or the only ones I know-knew. So right now I feel pissed that I let it happen and I am also sad that it happened and I have so many feelings right now and tears welling up that I can hardly see the screen. I want to share all those feelings with him, at the same time I am afraid I’d be overloading him. I want to run downstairs and share it all, pour it out, let it go let it rip, but I kinda feel that’s not a good idea. He is leaving Friday for 2 weeks and I kind of made something like a new years resolution that when he comes back things will be different (hopefully). I want back what we had then and actually hoping it will be even better than what it was when we started. At the same time I am afraid of falling into old habits WHEN things start getting good again, which I truly am hoping for. I believe I kind of need to sort things out and this blog is very helpful with that and I hope you guys are not gonna hate me for rambling on like that and sorting things out while writing. I am afraid of not succeeding, but I want to all the same.
Anyway, this all started with him being grumpy in the mornings and me not feeling right about it and wanting to do something about it. Should I, at times like this, just give him space and let him know later how it made me feel or what is the best way to handle this?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 7:55am
192: la la land says:

cool Chrissy, im inspired, my kids play that too.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 9:52am
193: Breanna says:

Thank you for your adivice Rori. I have another problem, the man who is off limits keeps leading me on. And its really hard for me to break away from him. when i try to stop, i find myself wanting to call him, wanting to still hang out with him. How do i break away ? I feel that i’ve fallen for him, my emotions are tooo strong for me to just cut it off. i love him. my best friend doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. she doesn’t even want to be around me. so ive lost my best friend and im losing the one i love. what do i do? is it possible to be friends with any of them or should i just give up all together?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:46pm
194: T.R. says:

Uschi,

I have been reading your blogs here with a lot of interest. I have been through similar situations and I want to tell you that you are a strong woman (in a feminine way). It is difficult to know what to do when your man is behaving in a way that we don’t feel comfortable with. I think that Daria and others have had a lot of good advice and insight.

Keep up your good work!

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:50pm
195: Uschi says:

T.R.
thanks for your compliment about being a strong woman, though right now I am not sure that I really feel that way. Reading this blog and having Rori’s book sure is shaking lose a lot of feelings, remembering how things were in the past, what changed etc etc etc. and at the same time trying to change the way I talk to him in a feelings way, trying to lean back which is really so unlike me. Maybe this leaning back has a bit to do with letting go and starting to trust him more too. Cause I really am giving up controlling the outcome and that is damn hard to do. However, it seems like there is a small shift in the way he is behaving. He came upstairs just a bit ago and was really pissed cause of what one of the cats did. See my male cat had to have his penis removed cause of that urinary stuff and my daughters cat is not yet neutered and thinks that my cat is a female. In a way this is actually funny, except that Dave doesn’t want to hear what the cat “thinks” Anyway, normally he would have come up really really angry and irritated and this time he came up let me know about the problem of what the cat did and didn’t even ask me to do something about it. He just stood there for a while and then he said “Cartridges are really cheap” I have no idea what he meant by that except that maybe he was referring to the print cartridges he got for me earlier so I can put out some brochures at an upcoming bridal show. Really not sure what that was all about. In any case I leaned back, let him talk and it was like easy and I was surprised that he was calm about everything. The important things is before we would have argued about this “stupid” stuff and this time we didn’t. I wasn’t angry, didn’t have much feelings about the whole thing at all and I just let him say what he felt he needed to say and let him get it out. I didn’t feel attacked and I feel that is a big step forward, and maybe my acting and talking differently does make a difference within him. Not sure – matter of fact I am very unsure – the only thing I know is that there seems to be some small changes and he seems a bit more relaxed at least with me.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 2:21pm
196: Flipper says:

Uschi, wow, I see you just going a mile a minute!! From what you say, you seem to feel unsure and like you’re making slowwww progress, but honestly, it’s only been a few weeks since you’ve started and the unacceptable situation has been installed for ages! But there’s already palpable progress. Brava from me, too – what’s happening with you feels so encouraging to me.

I feel you’ve felt your way to the ‘right’ way to handle his grumpiness. It doesn’t really matter exactly what moment to say it – your post already contains good words for expressing your feelings in the matter in a non-blaming way, and I feel he’ll probably react similarly to how he did in the ‘… damn…’ boat incident. I.e. he’ll realize the effect he’s having on you and even though he probably thought it was only about himself and the stuff happening to him without the slightest link to you at all, apologize or be willing to be more careful of your feelings next time.

That said, many people, and not just men, are subject to irreductible morning grumpiness – in that case, if they can’t be more amenable or you can’t stop feeling hurt by it, maybe agreeing to avoid each other’s company till a certain hour or some other solution can be worked out between you.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 3:57pm
197: Daria says:

Uschi I agree with Flipper! I feel ABSOLUTELY INSPIRED!!! by the words you found about teh morning grumpiness… I too feel uncomfortable and haven’t really known how to express it when I feel other people angry around me but know it’s not about me, and yet i feel affected.

THANK YOU FOR THAT … THANK YOU THANK YOU

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:05pm
198: Daria says:

I would say in my situation

“You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I feel this uncomfortable angry feeling from you, and I feel on edge and it feels weird… and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way… what do you think?”

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:08pm
199: Uschi says:

Daria, I need to say that the above words are actually from a post Rori put up but I find some of the things she posts are words that feel right to me touch me, and when it comes to being smart about words it usually comes to me 3 days after the fact. We have a saying in Germany about decorating yourself with other peoples feathers LOL meaning using something and making it your own but without giving vredit to the person who did or said it. That’s however not like me; Rori I hope you have no problems with me using those words sometimes with a slight change. I believe you are posting them for ppl to use because for some of us it is difficult to come up with the proper words or combination of words at the right moment so it is helpful having read an example.
There were a few God damn its today that I could even hear upstairs but I knew what they were about LOL and after I had gone shopping and came home he was actually BUBBLING over with the good news that teh software problem was taken care of and he was getting the “God damn” labels printed. So I decided to make steak for dinner his with pepper mine without (I hate pepper) and we had a nice dinner and he even poured me a rum to celebrate having the book done on time.
Now, this is nothing really special cause I believe he would have done that anyway, It was the attitude he did it with that seemed to me more open, more relaxed. I am hoping I am not sensing this wrong, but I am trying to stay positive here. There are still lots of problems we need to work on and I am hoping that it can be done. However him using the word WE and more than once lately leads me to believe that not all is lost. I am still having a problem though with the leaning back and find myself stepping into old shoes so to speak – or just one shoe being on before I put on the other – catching myself leaning forward and not all the time right away so I have to pay more attention to that at least verbally – phisically I am doing ok with it I think. Does anyone have the dance position. I read about it and would like to know more about it and maybe use it
You all have a good night and sleep well – I am going to play my game now for an hour or so (world of war craft) – leaning back doing m,y own thing – and hope I get some good gear out of an instance.
Achievements in that game make me feel so good and being a level 80 does too cause in some cases I can be sooooooooooooooooo powerful LOL

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 9:15pm
200: Rori Raye says:

Laurie, Welcome, and wish I could give you simple advice — but I hear that you understand how you’re going to have to work your way through this — by getting financially independent of the marriage and being able to bring it back to life in an emotional way. First – start with you. Your self esteem, your confidence, your love for you. Good luck, and I know you’ll find lots of help here, Love, Rori

Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 10:55pm
201: Daria says:

Uschi – you play world of warcraft wow you rock! I’ve been meaning to start playing that lol

I’ve used Rori’s words word for word before. Now I find myself saying them naturally from me hehe

Great job, keep loving you loving YOU

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:05am
202: Uschi says:

Daria,
go out get the game now all the way up to the last extension the Lich King and come to the Mok’Nathal Realm I be happy to invite you into my guild (I am one of the officers) and though we are a leveling guild we also now with as many 80′s as we have do raiding etc. The game changes a bit when you are 80. I have a lvl 80 hunter a lvl 24 Shamanm a lvl 14 Rogue and other very low lvl toons my hunter so far is my only 80 and I will get some of the other toons leveld up. But my hunter is my favorite. There is soooooooo much to this game almost a life within a life but of course I am not taht hooked on it I am only playing it in the evenings and at one time Dave was really pissed that I was playing it. Last night though I even mentioned something about the game and how it has references to the black knight of Monte Python, other movies, German and Greek Mythology etc etc. Right now they got the Brew fest going on thinking Octoberfest with real German beer drinking music it almost makes me a little homesick. They got stuff going on for the different holidaywith achievements and if you get all the holiday achievements (which takes a year or more if you didnt know about it like me) you get a reward a mount. Bute let me warn you, you need a damn good PC for that a broadband connection if possible wired directly not wireless and a good graphics card and at least a gig of RAM better would be 2gigs. 12 bucks a month (Ipay every 3 month) is cheap entertainment nowadays. If you want I can recruit you which also would give me a few benefits LOL like lvl’ing one of my other toons faster LOL. Anyway let me know.
Today Dave keeps shutting the basement door so the cat can not have an accident anymore downstairs. I got up after he did and I am hoping he is over his morning grouchiness. We’ll see what happens today. I gotta clean up the kitchen from last night though first I gotta do the cooking and fishing quest cause that’s how I wake up in the morning.

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:19am
203: Aggy says:

bravo sirens, I just love this!
Requesting for the meaning of ‘Rebirthing bodywork’
read it in Rori’s e-book and am unable to tell what it is

Love you all
Aggy

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:35am
204: Uschi says:

Daria
about getting the game I didn’t mean to make that sound like an order LOL

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:51am
205: Uschi says:

Lori,I was married to an alcoholic husband (my second marriage) for over 12 years the last 4 I was gone. I had to leave. For the longest time he put a guild trip on me and I would cover for him and make sure things would look good on the outside. At the same time he didn’t have a drivers license (DWI) and I was driving him everywhere. I was an enabling him to drink. It took me a long time to see that. When a friend said to me not to feel guilty for leaving him, cause I thought he would drink more if I did and I saw him in my mind with a brown paper bag with a bottle in it on the side of the road, because it was his choice to drink I am not the one to put that bottle in his hand and say go drink. All of a sudden it went bingo and I packed my bags and left. Because of him my children were in Forster care and the situation was really really bad. So get a way from him at least for as long as he is drinking. I am sure you have friends with whom you can stay for the time being till you get a job and are on your own feet. Maybe he will come around, stop drinking and start taking care of things. But I would not go back until he has proven himself to you. There are better men out there than that. I know I am going through a difficult time right now myself, but he is a good man and I just didnt know how to do the things that Rori is teaching and I am hoping to work it out cause he is worth it. However in your case and I have been there with the drinking all I can say is get out and start over. If I can do it you can too and trust me it was difficult for me I actually lived in my car for a while. Men like that will undermine your confidence and I got a big boost of that back when I was in a small pageant and won the state and nationals. Boy did that make me feel good and at the same time he lost his hold on me and got mean. That’s when I left and for the first time in a long time I felt free and it felt good even though I was poor (I lived on 150 bucks a month at the time) That was over 12 years ago and even then 150 bucks was nothing at all but I made it with the help also of some friends.

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 7:37am
206: Uschi says:

Rori,
I think I have made a little bit of progress, and I see some changes in him however small. However, there is something I really really want. I suspect there in some way that other woman I was talking about at first is still around though I get the feeling he is not into it that much anymore (I could be wrong) How can I reintroduce sex/love making back into our relationship. I am not sure that feeling messages would do it and I think saying “I feel horny” is a bit too direct. He used to shrug away when I just touched him and he hasn’t been doing that lately when I made a small gesture of just rubbing over his back or something when I let him know that I understood something or along those lines. How can I take it further? He also been sleeping more in the bed instead of on the couch. I feel those are small positive signs. Maybe I am trying to rush it but darned “I am horny” and I don’t want to satisfy that in a circular dating situation cause I feel cheating would be the worst thing I could do and I am not comfortable with that. Besides it would just be a sexual thing and not making love. He will be leaving tomorrow and do his research for 2 weeks and I don’t know if that woman is gonna be there or not and actually I am not sure if I care as long as I see some of those positive things he is doing however small they are. is there anything I could do so it may happen between now and tomorrow evening? Any help on that would be sooooooooooooooooooooo greatly appreciated.
Uschi

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 8:40am
207: Rori Raye says:

Jo, Welcome…and it seems to me you’re doing quite brilliantly answering your own question!! Just keep going, using the Tools, and it will get clear to you. Look into the future and imagine what it is you really want and how you want it to feel. Love, Rori

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 9:39am
208: Rori Raye says:

Breanna, a man can not “lead” you anywhere you don’t want to go, unless there’s something wrong in your own systems. You sound to me in the throes of obsession. It’s a “junkie” thing. Please approach this as you would an addiction (perhaps this is why you’ve lost your friend) — and heal yourself. Get away from this man if he’s off limits. Love, Rori

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:15am
209: Uschi says:

Can anyone tell me about the dance position. Read about it and really would like to know more mentioned in an earlier post too

Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:44pm
210: Daria says:

Uschi – have you seen the Front Page Post? Rori used your comment!!! Wow

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 12:56am
211: Jo says:

Thank you Rori for coming back to me. I have been reading all the posts and it’s great to be able to be amongst such vibrant women who are on a quest to to be happier in themselves and in there relationships.

I have been asking myself some serious questions recently and i have given myself a firm kick up the backside.

Questions are. Am I happier when i am around him. Answer.. no i feel confused and unsure.
Do I feel we have a future. Answer… No because he can’t seem to look further than his own needs, wants and gains.
Does he have both feet in this relationship. Answer… No
Would i call him if i needed help with anything or support. Answer… No
Is the physicall attraction fading for me. Answer… yes because i now see him as a very weak person.
Am i to blame for this relationship failing. Answer… yes because i forgot who i really was and focused all my love, time and affection on him. Not healthy.

The main question I ask myself is why does a street smart, intelligent, attractive women choose to give her love, time and loyalty to guys who are so shallow and emotionally screwed and unable to ride beside me. Instead these men jump in and out of my life on there space hoppers ready to take my kindness, love and support and then bounce of again. More fool me.

After a few months of reading Rori’s advice, comments etc I have been reminded of the girl i used to be, and i really liked her. I have now found her again. I have also just read Marie Forleo’s book “Make Every Man Want You” it actually is a book giving a life changing lesson in loving yourself inside and out and therefore you draw to yourself more positive relationships, its brilliant.

So I have decided to think of myself, what i want and what makes me happy. I have told my current partner that we have different ideas about what defines a relationship. That I can’t be with someone who thinks its acceptable to call me horrible names in jest, that trys to screw with my mind through there own insecurities, that at 45 is still tied to his mother, that drifts into hateful nasty moods for no reason and is still i believe hung up on there ex. I have now got stronger and thrown the rose coloured spectacles in the cat litter tray. All these things have made him less attractive to me emotionally and physically. Someone else can put up with his suitcases of baggage because i dont have the room.

I am very fortunate to have some wonderful things in my life that i have neglected due to trying to please the unpleasable. Great friends, supportive family a reasonable job, my health, financial independence ( although a struggle), the ability to laugh at myself and my sanity. Thank god.

I have made plans that revolve around me for this weekend, and i am looking forward to it. I know that i won’t be have to be wondering why he hasn’t called me or wont answer me. I wont have to wonder if he is going to sulk when i jump on stage and start signing on the karaoke. I wont get upset when we are out because he disappears to another pub because he can’t be bothered to wait for me. I wont waste my time cooking a Sunday dinner when he would rather eat with his mummy.

I value myself so much more and unless he can start to value himself and me, then i am not wasting my energy on this anymore.

Have a great weekend ladies, i am off to get a jam doughnut and a cup of coffee. xxxxxx

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 4:06am
212: Uschi says:

Daria, I don’t have a link to the front page and haven’t found it yet.Could you post it for me please.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 7:45am
213: Uschi says:

Rori,
well, back to my post somewhere above. He is not leaving until sometime tomorrow morning due to weather conditions that would make it difficult do skipper though a canal that has a lot of heavy commercial traffic and he needs to travel it to get where he is going or otherwise face going out into the Atlantic. I would like to figure out something that could happen this evening. Spending time together, communication, etc. me maybe getting in some more feeling messages or just in some way of reconnecting more. I would like to do or say something that makes an impact in some way that will be on his mind while he is gone without me leaning forward in any way.
What would be a good thing to say for him to kind of take notice. While he will be gone for those 2 weeks I will work on me and loving me more and all those things you talk about. Working with your book more too. (and of course the house) I feel like I am at a stand still, and though he has shown a small improvement in the way he interacts with me I want to see more, FEEL more. I feel the need of some more results for reconnection before he leaves tonight. Some small thing that makes him lean towards me while I am leaning back. Help what can I say?

When I look back, in some way I have been leaning back, whenever he wanted to do his hobby and I let him do it, figuring if I let him do it and not nag about it he’ll be happy and in the process and over time we lost the connection. So he got what he wanted and I didn’t get what I wanted. My fault because of course I didn’t know how to get something across to him in feelings messages and I resented him for having what he wanted. In further thinking I also believe that his griping about the way I kept house and my stuff is a surface thing and there is something more underneath it. He actually was talking to me in feeling messages himself, when we had “discussions” about it by him saying ‘I felt unsupported by you because you didn’t do this or that’. I believe now that if I had loved myself more, got in touch with my feelings, respecting myself, the housekeeping and other stuff would have taken care of itself because I would have respected myself and the surroundings I live in. Feels funny to write that I kinda feel like smacking myself in the head just about now for being so stupid. Yet to get the energy to do everything I need to do and I have done some already, I also feel I need something else, some positive sign from him. I know it is all about me and loving me and taking care of me etc. but when it all comes right down to it, it is about us, about him too because he is a good man and I am loving myself by being with a good man, just that we have let things get away from us and me not knowing how to be a GIRL or a WOMAN. After all this is a relationship and its 2 human beings who love each other (I truly believe he still does deep down or things would be much different). A woman, now matter how much she takes care of herself, loves herself, still needs a man to fulfill some needs and I am not talking about the sexual needs alone. I have known many women in my life who took excellent care of themselves, were independent, self-sufficient and quite successful in their job, unmarried and no man in their lives cause they said they didn’t need one, they could take care of themselves, but in all cases they were lonely and always looking for something that was missing. And, in all cases they had failed relationships ended up hating men, and I now believe it is for the things they didn’t know, the things that you Rori are teaching.
I am ever so thankful that I came across Rori’s page and this blog. I just hope it all works out with my man.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 11:53am
214: Uschi says:

Daria,
never mind found the page DUH LOL

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 12:07pm
215: Daria says:

JO…

great job. I read Marie’s book too and I liked it.

#1 rule DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP

ie (no kick in the pants. No I am to blame for this (or anything). FEEL the icky feeling of guilt, anger, desperation or whatever. Tell it “the feeling” you love it,and you love you. BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

As Rori says.. PUT THAT HAMMER DOWN.

Love

Daria

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 1:01pm
216: Uschi says:

I think I screwed up! Incredible as this may sound – at least to me cause he blew me away AGAIN – leaving tomorrow for two weeks, as most of you know – he came upstairs and asked me if he should stop the mail while he was gone, saying that he was thinking it may be too much for me and I wasn’t getting all that much mail as it is. What the heck is that all about I just don’t get it, he has gone for more than one trip the most recent one in August for 2 weeks and he never asked me if I could handle the mail. I am at a total loss here and don’t know at all what this is about or what it means. However, I think I screwed up, I did lean back but let him know that it wasn’t a problem before and wouldn’t be on now. Maybe I should have said I leave that up to you however you want to handle that but that thought came to me too late. But this just kind of baffled me that he would even ask me such a thing, and it felt confusing and I am still confused, and so I may have acted not quite right. So then he asked me to please make sure that the papers are taken out of the driveway so his boss wouldn’t have a fit if they stack up. I just told him not to worry.
Does anyone have a clue to this thing and why he would out of the clear blue sky ask me about something he never even gave thought to before.
Still looking to figure out how something could happen tonight the last evening we have together before he goes and I would really like it if he would spend at least some time with me instead of sitting in front of his PC downstairs.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:12pm
217: Simply Shannon says:

Uschi: I’m wondering if he asked because he wants to take care of you while he’s gone. Not a bad thing. Maybe you could go downstairs and say “I just wanted to tell you I feel cared for when you think of things to help me out, like stopping the mail while you’re gone. I really appreciate that. I’m really going to miss you being here.”

Just from the comments above about hugging and not getting affection, it seems to me that maybe there’s a way to flirt our way into some affection and not be leaning forward. And I hope my comments to Uschi isn’t considered being forward. I would just like a way to be soft about things and open up so I’m the Invitation so many have mentioned. I feel a little closed off about that and wonder if it’s me getting in my own way around the affection thing. Like maybe I feel angry because I’m not being touched and that is manifesting itself in not being touched. I hope that makes sense.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:20pm
218: Uschi says:

Shannon, thanks for your comment, you could be right however I am still baffled though.
About the flirting; I forgot how to flirt if I ever knew how to do it and then how do you flirt yourself with a man you have been living with for a bit over 8 years to get some affection and leaning back at the same time. I been leaning back and very open and receptive to his male energy but especially to affection. I yearn for a hug, a kiss and yea some lovemaking too but not sure if I should give that sex-part just yet after everything. Maybe with that I should wait till we are more stable again within our relationship. But a hug alone can mean just soooooooooooooooooooooooo much

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:46pm
219: Flipper says:

That feels like a good approach to me, Simply Shannon – it feels light, non directive but sincere. Yet Uschi’s situation (and mine) feels like such a paradox: not to hold to a particular result and still feel such yearning for results.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:51pm
220: Simply Shannon says:

Isn’t it authentic to say “it would feel so good to be hugged” or “I miss being touched”? This is where I get things crossed between leaning forward and leaning back. I know in my head that I’m directing the outcome. Just not sure how to go about this either. I feel bad Uschi. I know you feel a sense of urgency since he’s leaving tomorrow. I feel confused about this as well. For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!

Rori: HELP!

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 3:06pm
221: Uschi says:

Well, in a way I think he knows that I need affection cause I did let him know of it in one of our previous discussions, but that was before I started reading this blog and got Rori’s book. So does anyone know how to flirt with someone you have been living with for a long time. I have never even really flirted in my life and if I did I don’t know that I did it LOL. And Flipper you are right, it is difficult. In some of the emails she sends around about her book she speaks of over night results but they are not especially not in a situation like mine or yours. Rori is talking circular dating and in a way I am doing it by being open to men and leaning back to just see what happens, but maybe they know somehow that I am not available cause I don’t really get any results and I am wearing a ring not even a real one a CZ that my daughter once had from an X boyfriend from high school LOL and I had it reset in real gold cause the stone is really nice looking but the original setting was prob. just gold coated cause it wore off and felt rough so I had it reset.
So anyway I am still asking how do you flirt with a man that you been living with for a while.
Something else I feel I need to say. I always believed things happen for a reason. I could have come across Rori probably years ago (don’t know how long her blog has been up or how long her book has been out) however I didn’t and when I was married to my alcoholic husband or my first husband I would have used her help and it would have broken up anyway and I know why now. However her coming “in to my life” or me finding her on the web now, kind of makes me believe too that this relationship is meant and hopefully it came in time to rescue this one cause he is worth it and so is this relationship. For many of you out there who are so much younger than I am it is good that you learn this now and not go through toxic men like I did before.

He went to see his daughter tonight and said he be back later but it could very well be that he decides to go to the boat after he drops her off at her place so my evening with his would be shot to hell. He has done that before and if he does it this time I will need some advice on how to handle that when he comes back.

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 6:25pm
222: Uschi says:

Well another change of plans, he wont be able to leave till late Monday night or Tuesday morning, cause of the weather and the wind. I have a feeling this whole trip might be canceled and done some other time cause the Delaware bay is not easy and the weather looks bad for at least half of next week so he wont be able to start scanning till Wed. Takes 2 days to get up there with the boat at about 7 knots an hour.

And that gives me time to do some more leaning back and implement some more feelings etc and maybe get some results. Girls help me a bit with the flirting thing and how to get him to actually spend some time with me instead of the PC

I feel pretty happy right now that he will be around some more and I have more time, yet insecure cause I am still quite new at this feelings and leaning back thing. While he is still out with his daughter I am doing some ME time like doing my hair and taking a nice long hot bath and using my favorite perfumed cream.

Daria,
just want to know real quick have you started with the WOW (world of war craft) yet – you probably laugh at me but I am testing some of those feelings messages in game cause I have made a lot of “friends’ in the game and in my guild – there are many players at my age and some are even older – there is even a guild called Old Farts of WoW LOL aside from all teh kids that play it too this game has a lot to offer for all ages – anyway I have been using some of Rori’s system with the guys in the game cause you do make friendly and get close especially when your raid together and talk on vent. I am amazed at how SOME guys respond to feeling messages you can actually feel how they respond in the in game chat and even more so over vent. (Vent = ventrilo a small program that some guilds have to be able to talk instead of type-chat in game it helps with raids and dungeons a lot) There are situations pretty much like in real life where you could get angry, upset, down or happy because of other players actions, behavior or achievements and things being said or done. And feelings happen no matter what or where. Rori is probably shaking her head when she reads this and would have never thought of this as some type of circular dating but it does work to some degree. I also find it easier because not that much is really riding on this like in my real relationship in real life. It doesn’t matter if I mess up and accidentally lean forward falling into an old habit and there is time to think about it later and kind of file the incident away for real life reference Actually when you think about it not much different from internet dating with email and text messaging or IM’ing. I also know of at least 3 couples who met in game liked each other decided to meet and got married. WOW Let me know if you decide to start this game I’d be happy to help you get started.

Uschi

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 7:53pm
223: Mary says:

Hi Rori,

My story actually began when my daughter left for college and I experienced a sustained feeling of loss, and sadness. Although I didn’t even know that was what was happening.
After she had been gone for three years and moved into her own apartment and not even coming home much at all any more, I decided it was time to go out and find a boyfriend.
It happened pretty much as soon as I decided this. I met a guy who really seemed to click with me. Our sense of humor was fun together and all the kinds of things that one finds in common that usually add up to some sort of connection.
The thing is, he told me from the beginning that he was just in it for fun and not to expect anything too serious. I thought that that was something I could handle, and I also thought that if it happened that we spent more time together and got closer that things would naturally progress if they were allowed to.
We were basically connected at the hip. Long short, I thought we were getting cloer and more comfortable with each other.
There were two times he pulled back. Said he didn’t want a “relationship” I questioned it, but basically knew I couldn’t stp him from living his life and said ok.
He would never stop calling, texting or coming over for sex.
I thought he was just testing me by pulling back to see if I would get needy or whatever, and let him work it out.
But after a few more months of him still making dates and seeing me and spending weekends and holidays with me, suddenly he tells me he doesn’t want to have sex with me any more.
That he wasn’t available any more for me.
That he needed to concentrate on work and we could still see each other every once and a while because he really liked me, but he could not be as available.
I cried and told him that would be hard for me, but ok.
He continued to call etc, and come over like nothing happened… until he went missing for an entire weekend.
It was very hard for me to come to terms with, and of course wasn’t really the issue at all.
So now he is living with another woman, but still insisting on being friends with me.
Only NOT…? Because he is LIVING WITH A WOMAN.

I have gone on to “date around” I am in therapy to work on the issues that surfaced as a result of me recognizing what was happening and how unhappy I really was, and have embarked on a whole new career since that last lost weekend.
But he still calls and texts and makes overt sexual suggestions.
I had dinner with him the other night and realized that I am not attracted to him AT ALL, that he is insulting and doesn’t even make me laugh any more.
I could swear it was a different man sitting across the table from me.
I have moved on. That is big.

I am having trouble finding a guy that actually clicks with me though. All these dates and I have not done a second one with any of them.
Is this normal?
Could I still harbor trust issues and not really want to jump in again?
Or am I just being incredibly picky?
I know one thing for sure.
I do NOT want HIM.
But where do I begin again?

Thank you Rori

Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 10:17pm
224: Flipper says:

I feel Circular Dating’s Anywhere you can make it, and re World of Warcraft, I’d rather imagine Rori bobbing her head up and down in Agreement, for all the reasons you described, Uschi. One of the benefits of circular dating, after all, is the practice at learning to Feel the difference between men who CAN and men who CAN’T do relationship – exactly as shown by your observation. I’d also imagine that some of your exchanges in WoW are rather flirty, no? Can you ‘recycle’ some of that into your love context?

I’m not much of a flirter, either, tho’ sometimes I surprise myself when fun stuff comes out. Right now I’m struggling with clamming up just when I have good opportunities to talk with guys during the couples dances at the folkdancing places I go to. In my head, I’ve been going “je me sens…” (‘I feel’ in the language I use here) to try to kickstart something, but mostly I come up with ‘embarassed’ about stepping on toes, or not following well or not knowing the steps well enough (or too-well with beginner partners), and that feels like putting myself down. Don’t want to go there. And things I’ve thought of about their dancing feel like judgments, even when they’re good things (who am I to ‘approve’ their capabilities or style?). Lightbulb: I wrote ‘thought of’ – that must be a clue. Sometimes I drift off to feel dreamier and hope a feeling word comes up, and bam! I miss the beat and have to scramble to get back in step!

So, I’m still trusting in the Universe to work this out for me, and feel encouraged that She seems to be sending you some adverse weather conditions in your favor. If this can happen to you, it can happen to me. I can ‘make’ it happen, in a receiving, girly way. Yes I can. (the weather here has been holding at unusually mild, so I get to practice tonight AND tomorrow afternoon at dances outdoors along the river.)

As for how to encourage sexual advances from a partner, I seem to remember a post Rori did, probably sometime before summer (i.e. Sep to June?), on that very subject. About BEing an invitation? In a subtle but clear, lean-back way? Sorry I can’t be more specific. Had no one to practice with at the time (for lack of a partner unfortunately, not because things were stuck with one in that department) – so I can’t share any experience that would help jog my memory of exactly when that post came out.

I feel a lot of resonance with your posts, Uschi (tho’ a world away from WoW – I’m glad Daria can relate to that with you).

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 4:47am
225: tinque says:

“‘For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!”

Shannon – Especially in the early stages of a relationship or if you (the collective you) are insecure and find validation through touch or sex (I have been here, and probably could easily revisit this place if the situation ever arose again), it’s difficult to really gauge the true state of the relationship. When a man withdraws, it’s more often than no nothing to do with you. It’s work or his finances, or he doesn’t feel well or something like this.
It is perfectly OKAY and not leaning forward to say, “I miss you. I miss feeling close to you.” He may very well not respond right away, chances are he won’t, yet the seed has been planted and furthermore, this simple NOT LEANING FORWARD declaration can act as a sort of wake up call, as a way to shake him out of “his mood”.
xxoo

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 9:54am
226: Uschi says:

Flipper,
I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

Flipper,
about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway.

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:06am
227: Uschi says:

Flipper,
I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

Flipper,
about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway, besides to be quite frank about it I am afraid of being rejected again at this point and it would undo the little bit of progress I’ve made in the past weeks become undone. After all that would be leaning forward to much.

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:09am
228: Uschi says:

I wanted to add to that (but had already hit the submit button) that right after watching Nanny he went right back to doing work on the computer and I went upstairs. Maybe there would have been a better way to maybe reconnect sexually after this but I wouldn’t know how without leaning forward by touching him or telling him that this is what I want and miss.

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:19am
229: Rori Raye says:

Mary, Welcome, and just keep doing what you’re doing – Circular Dating. What you want to do is work out all your “issues” with real men, in real time…so you learn to use my Tools in real situations. As you get to know YOURSELF better by doing this…you’ll see…men will start to show up! Love, Rori

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 1:32pm
230: Rori Raye says:

Flipper and Uschi – here’s my take on WOW and your letters. Everything in life must be prioritized. Work, play, love, meditation, exercise… Everything needs time and ease. If you are focused on getting a real live relationship going, then you’ll want to spend all your time in real life, Circular Dating. I’d classify WOW as play. Using it, however, to learn stuff sounds fantastic, so it does double-duty. (By the way, if any of you are good with Second Life and would like to help bring Rori Raye to it…let me know…). Please just know–online, email, phone, games of all kinds are not LIFE — and the more you let your head consume the time in your life, the less practice time you can give to being present in the world where you can physically TOUCH someone. Just keep it in mind. Men online behave differently than men do in real life. that’s where to focus your practice. Love, Rori

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 1:45pm
231: Uschi says:

Rori,
you are absolutely right about the game and it being virtual and not quite real however it kind of helps me get comfortable to use your teaching to then be more comfortable to do it in real life. Kind of like rehearsal before actually performing on stage, and a stage it is out there in more ways than one.

On a really really bright side at least in my mind – we have not gone anywhere nice for dinner for almost a a year and tonight he came up to my room and just said “Shrimp toast?” I had mentioned a few days ago that I could smell shrimp toast (Chinese restaurant close by) then yesterday I said I am hungry but really don’t feel like cooking, each time I said it and left. Also been spending some time downstairs with him watching youtube and leaning physically back all the time – boy that office chair can lean back almost to the point of tipping over and I am not even crossing my arms in front of me to be completely open. I have to really concentrate on that.
Anyway when we got home after dinner I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for a nice dinner and he kind of halfway put his arm around me – not a hug but a start then I just let him go to his PC and I went upstairs to kind of digest the surprise and the meal LOL – Rori you said ‘be surprised’ – and you are right.

Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 8:11pm
232: Uschi says:

Rori,
I just read your Post “Get more Love by doing less” this is exactly what I did. Give and do, give and do, give and do always trying to make sure he had everything he needed and the thank yous made me happy. Always asking after a meal how it was if it was enough and I realize now I was looking for validation and love. At the same time you validated my believe that keeping a house when the woman is not working is a job. Actually more than one job combined all in one Cook, Cleaner, Window washer, Gardener, Nanny, Laundry etc. etc. (though we don’t have kids I am speaking in general here but I am the nanny of our “other children” our dog and cat) and I loved reading that you consider that a job as I always have but was told that I was wrong in this thinking and was told that a woman has to do this on top of going to work. So I have done it all and resented actually hated it.
Then as I got with Dave I started doing the whole thing again and with both of us being at home and him working downstairs I WAS always up to help him in some way. I put WAS in capital letters cause that is gonna change. With the exception of the 5000+ letter envelope stuffing and mailing in the first quarter of the year (which I did at first for free but now request payment for it) I will not offer or do anything that he can do for himself. How good it will feel now that when he irons his own shirt I wont have to feel guilty about it anymore for not being fast enough and having it ready for him for that dinner occasion or whatever, or when he does his own laundry which he has been doing for a while cause he doesn’t like the fabric softener that I insist in having on my laundry. Can anyone spell RELIEF. And yes I WAS mothering him too; – or is it smothering?
Thanks for the ‘Rolaids’ Rori, a valuable ‘Rolaids’ from you and lets call it Roriaids. (hope some of us at least remember that advertisement on TV – kinda ages us was during the 70′s)
I feel, a bit stupid for not knowing that, yet relieved, free, unburdened, not resentful anymore now that I know it was my fault and really it should not be called a fault cause most of us grow up learning that just that and it is what we do.

Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 11:01am
233: Maria says:

lm just feeling good! been like that couple of days.

will keep posted.

Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 12:43pm
234: T.R. says:

Hi girls,

I am feeling confused about how to handle certain situations. I have had a lot of success with leaning back. So far, it has worked well, both in terms of me feeling better about myself and in terms of the man I am dating stepping forward. However, today I felt a little disappointed. The man I am dating asked me last night to spend the night. It is only the 3rd or 4th time in the several months that we have been dating, I did and it was great to fall asleep with him. When I woke up, he asked me if I wanted to hang out later in the day, after I finished taking care of things at my place. When I returned to his place he spent the entire time on his computer playing a game. He asked what I wanted to do and I said “I don’t know”. I feel like since he asked me to hang out, he would think of something for “us” to do. Instead, I spent my time reading and he played his game. When he asked if I was mad I told him that I felt annoyed. I also explained that I understand in our small town there is not a lot to do.
How is one to respond to being asked to hang out, then essentially being ignored? The best I could do is read my book, then leave, to do what felt good to me. I really don’t want this to happen again.
He later told me that he felt bad, because he didn’t have money to take me out. In my eyes, we could have gone for coffee and chatted versus not interacting. That would have felt great.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 12:04am
235: Flipper says:

For me, folkdancing/folksinging has helped a lot in getting me out into the real world in a way I can interact up close, even physically, with real people. The scene I hang out with is not about the technical precision, fancy costumes, getting to professional proficiency or winning prizes of some more-organized groups. Just people who love old, traditional music and love perpetuating the old customs of the countryside through dance. Lotsa fun and great exercise.

It’s friendly and inclusive, newbies are pulled in and encouraged to fumble along in real time among the old hands, learning as you go. I found the same atmosphere recently in NewEngland, where they do contradancing. And in general, like here, it’s almost free (those who can make contributions to help pay and encourage the musicians, etc.) It may not be as elegant as ball-room dancing, but it doesn’t have the same pressure or commitment requirements either.

Inexpensive or free opportunities for this (or other kinds of dance you like) may be available at community centers or through local meetup.com groups. I know several married women who have started going to various classes on their own (tango, salsa, ballroom etc) and this has definitely made their husbands perk up (don’t get hung up about a few grumbles on their part, for the form). So this sort of thing can fit into Anyone’s Circular Dating program.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:26am
236: Flipper says:

I can relate, TR – I feel fine being on my own at home, and it’s weird, I’d feel Alone Going Out just to do something by myself at someone else’s place. Before Rori, I would have sidled up, made suggestions, sighed to myself. Now I’d just say, “I feel kinda ignored, and frankly, rather bored. See ya” and off I’d go.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:40am
237: Flipper says:

Maybe the “frankly” would feel too blaming?

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:43am
238: LostinLove says:

Dear Rori,

I am hoping you will write an e-letter on the topic of vacations and separate trips in relationships. I struggled with this in the summer but didn’t write you, and now it is coming up again in a few weeks.

I am going on a two-week overseas trip (family marriage) and I feel so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. I went on one during the summer, and I felt the same…I felt like I was wrong to leave him! And I am having the same feelings again. He is also going on a trip himself during that time (it just coincidentally happened at the same time) but I am still stressing, as I will be leaving many days before him.

You had said in an e-letter once that you have dealt with this situation in past relationships. What do I do? I want to ask him to get together over the weekend so we can say goodbye. Should I? I am definitely a propent of leaning back, so at this point, he doesn’t even really know what day I’m leaving. But it’s coming up and I really don’t know what to do. I feel crazy having to worry about this, but it’s so rare for us to be apart this long, and I am stressing about what I should do. Help!

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 10:14am
239: Rori Raye says:

Welcome, LostinLove.–this situation has occurred many times in my life…once, a man a was living with took his new car across country and Canada for 2 weeks and I feel apart. That was the beginning of therapy and my inner work for me…so I’m grateful for that lesson. The relationship survived almost 4 more years. Much later, and still many years ago, I went with a girlfriend to Canada for 2 weeks and left my young, beautiful boyfriend behind. When I got back, things were different. He’d had time to think about the actual logistical impossibility of our relationship…and it ended two weeks later. We picked up again in 3 months (yes, he showed up) and it was a passionate, dramatic mess for almost a month before it ended. Now, my husband has traveled for business, to see family, and to do political work — and all that happens is I ENJOY my time alone, and he gets to do things without worrying about whether I want to do them, too — like hanging out with his favorite uncle, and he misses me…and everything’s great when he gets back. So –the separation isn’t the important thing. It’s your attitude and the quality of the relationship. Don’t be afraid. Whatever you find out…it’s good to know. Love, Rori

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 12:58pm
240: Rori Raye says:

Flipper – I LOVE folkdancing…I once had a boyfriend who was magnificent at this (he was in one of the famous ensembles — and he was my karate teacher to boot) – he used to take me to all the clubs around town, and the big-room events where hundreds of us danced in a circle together…in fact…when I made that fateful trip to Santa Barbara without the man who’s now my husband…the one that turned my attitude around and got me married — I headed for a folk dance place there (no longer existing…darn…) that treated me beautifully, made me feel good, allowed me to meet men…and to DANCE!!! Love, Rori

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 1:20pm
241: Uschi says:

Well, the weekend went surprisingly well. My mostly (sometimes I still forget) seems to be doing something. He is much more relaxed around me and the invite to dinner was really something I did not expect at all. I spent some time downstairs with him cause that is where he is spending most of his time. The upstairs is not quite yet for his comfort, though it is for mine with the exception of my room which is non of his business. So if the mountain doesn’t come to me I go to the mountain and I know that is leaning forward a bit, however when I am there I am leaning back as far as I can and I am open, physically and emotionally (not 100% sure about the emotional still working on that). He seems to have enjoyed me coming down and speding time with him during which he was explaining to me about a problem he is having with his navigation program that puts certain hexadecimal numbers that are randomly generated and unique to each wreck as a identifying number to a certain position. (being hexadecimal it is almost impossible for that number to repeat itself which he wants but also wants a formula for it ha ha my brain is not that math oriented I leave that his problem) and trying to figure out how to dump the info he gets (back-end) from that program into excel to work with it. In excel the problem is to take time hh/mm/ss/ and limit the counting to 60 when pulling it down. Well we bounced that problem back and forth and I was like his sounding board to whom he could speak out loud, not really expecting an answer. I gave very few and just basically leaned back and let him talk it out. Today I figured out in excel what he wanted to do but he doesn’t know that yet. I just did it to see if it was possible. Anyway, with reading this blog and looking at some other things I am learning to approach a problem from a different perspective and I put the question to him: “I feel that I was just kind of limited in thinking, cause I didn’t open my mind to some things or is it cause like pretty much everyone I fells back onto what they know, learned and are comfortable with, as I just did with this math problem? I feel kind of frustrated with myself now cause I couldn’t see some of the solutions before by myself” of course in the back of my mind was also all of this here also. So he said: “I don’t think you should be frustrated because when I show you how else something can be done or solved you take it and run with it and take it further” Hidden compliment?
By doing some of the things Rori is saying, in however small ways for now, I am finding out things I would never have imagined. Like how he thinks.

On the traveling and being apart for a period of time, I am in the same situation right now he is leaving for 2 and now possibly 3 weeks and though I do not like being apart from him I can work on Rori’s teachings this time, get some things done in the house and take time for myself 100%. I will miss him and all but as much as I want sex back, our relationship back on track and all that, I feel that since I have come across this blog and Rori’s book I will need some time to wrap my mind around it completely and will use that time to do just that. Also things seem to be going better and maybe he will miss me also in some way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – or so they say.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 3:53pm
242: T.R. says:

Flipper,

I think that is a great response. If it happens again, I am going to say that, because I did feel ignored. He called last night and asked to make plans with me today. I left work early to hang out and then he said he wanted to do something tonight. I am feeling frustrated. I don’t want to complain all of the time to him. This is all new to me. Most men I have dated have been very active in taking me places and doing things. He would like to (I think), but he is not as well off financially as a lot of people I have dated. We could go do more if I were willing to pay (he has never asked me to), but I don’t feel that is my place. He pursued me. He has talked about trying to find a different job, but hasn’t. I feel like for the stage we are at in our relationship, it is not my place to pay for dates, so, we don’t go out much. I know that may sound snotty, but it is truely how I feel. If a man wants to date me, then it is his job to figure out how to make that happen, not mine. I don’t feel like going out for coffee (which I have suggested in the past) is a major effort.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. But then again, going out for this small thing like coffee or for a walk does not seem like too much.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:07pm
243: Flipper says:

TR (and anyone else who doesn’t want to get stuck in the ‘hanging out’ trap) : could this be a good opportunity to express what we Don’t Want ? For example, if I want to share that I didn’t want to find myself in this situation again, I might say: “I feel weird being at someone else’s house just doing something on my own. A bit lonely, too, and I don’t really like feeling this way. What do you think?”

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:08pm
244: Flipper says:

TR – our posts crossed, but it may still fit. And in all cases, we wa

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:13pm
245: Flipper says:

Sorry that flubbed. ….. In all cases, we want what we want, we feel what we feel. No apologies in order. On the contrary, what’s really good (and not just ‘nice’) is knowing what we want, don’t want and are feeling and learning how to express those things simply and honestly. Bravo TR for not paying, not offering, not suggesting and allowing him to be the man. Maybe he’s not ready or not capable, but that’s his call.

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:25pm
246: T.R. says:

Thank you Flipper for your encouragement!

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 6:12pm
247: Uschi says:

In reading the other posts on other pages (yes still reading there is a lot and all good) does anyone have a copy of an email Rori apparently sent out called ‘Bring Him Close When You’re Angry’ or Rori could you please send this to me. I have not found it anywhere alse.
Thank guys

Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 5:29am
248: Uschi says:

Rori,
this one if you can I really would like you to look at this and give me some advice on this.
I have mostly gotten that leaning back now and talking in feelings to him and with that alone I feel I have made a little progress (as your post on the front page shows) Yet at the same time in my situation I still feel there are things I am holding back or stuffing down and I am not sure how to bring it up without leaning forward. Things I want to say or ask. Things that I know are basically his things, however his things gets in with my things and my things gets mixed with his. After all we are living together. Sometimes when I stop and ask myself for my feelings I come up with nothing, or as in the case over the weekend when we spent time together downstairs I just felt plain comfortable and relaxed being with him, yet wishing and feeling and wanting for more but leaning back and letting it be for now. There was no fighting, there was trying to find a solution to a problem together by talking about it and experimenting with software programs (Excel and Map-tech) In this case I don’t feel I was leaning forward in trying to find a solution to something that had nothing to do with us but with another entity and it was a combined effort. Yet by just doing that I felt a togetherness that we have not had in a long time. I felt it, I am not sure what he felt. I finally came up with a solution in Excel that really solved one of his problems (doing some searching on Google for the right formula and expanding it to make it work for what he needed) and though it still takes 2 programs and some editing to get it exactly as he needs it, it is now at a stage that he can use. For a while I wasn’t gonna gove it to him but in thinking and feeling it out I felt it had nothing to do with us but that in fact we were working together on something that had nothing to do with our relationship yet at the same time helped bring up feelings of togetherness. Now for them hexadecimal numbers to randomly create an id number for each wreck. Hmmmmm -grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. What I am trying to say here is that working together on a problem can also create a bond and help recreate what we once had. He at one of our arguments said that he wished I was more involved and passionate in what he is doing. Yet for the past two years or so he shut me out of just that for reasons that are unrelated to what he is doing but related to us or me – how is that for mixed messages? Yet I believe those reasons were a cover up, for something else, maybe his fear, being afraid of failure in a relationship again maybe even being afraid of feelings he had and may still have for me and rather running then confronting them and I believe he doesn’t even know that. So one one hand he wishes for me to be more passionate or interested about what he is doing and that means a lot to him, yet he is shutting me out saying it is too late for me to get into it and he feels I am not interested or passionate enough. He seems to have overlooked that I always ask how things were going and what the results of his scanning is and even offered help. This weekend was the first time in a long time that he included me again. Last year when for the first time in a while I was out on the boat with him and his like minded friends I felt like a 5th wheel. I saw the comradeship between them resulting from time they spend and experiences they had together. I literally felt it, and having to be quite honest with myself now, I reacted by withdrawing into my shell. I didn’t know then that I was doing it however, reading this blog and also your book, kind of made me look at myself, locking back and seeing how I reacted wrongly under many circumstances. Maybe if I had said then to the group as a whole that I feel a bit left out things would have changed.

Now, I need to clarify something, cause I don’t want you to think as if I had taken up this interest because of him. I have always watched when I was younger and still in Germany Jaques Custoe (not sure if I spelled that right) documentaries as he went all over the world diving and searching. I just never thought I could get into it cause I couldn’t and still can’t swim or rather I can swim and I can breathe but I cant do both at the same time. That’s where a diving suit, a scuba tank and a mask comes in so handy for me cause with that I feel comfortable in water. Anyway, I watched those shows with fascination and kind of dreamed to go diving and finding this sunken treasure LOL. However that is not possible cause even if WE did find something like that and the likelihood of that are slim to non there are laws (special maritime and admiralty law and he was a lawyer for just that) that prevent us from bringing that stuff up and then it wouldn’t belong to us anyway. So don’t tell don’t touch meaning sport divers are prevented from getting to it and doing wreck raping and if he/we/they do find something it is mapped, measured, recorded and the data passed to ppl in authority, archeologist and the state historical board. This just to let you know that I always had an interest int this kind of stuff and also I am the type of person that will try anything at least once. I even went skydiving once a tandem dive and I now also say ‘why would anyone want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane’ knowing how to fly just never having been able to finish my pilots license. So the interest was always there I just never followed up on it till I met him and had a chance to do so.

Up until I came across you Rori, I always felt very limited, closed in and never really part of anything and kind of standing on the sidelines. Now I get a sense of “not even the sky is the limit’ however, I am not sure what to do with all this limitlessness. I have, it seems made progress with him/us and him starting to step up to the plate however tenderly and carefully. When we first met that feeling of limitlessness was there too, and then I am not sure if he did it or if I did or if we did it together I started being on the sidelines again. I want to step off the sideline, stop cheering and I want to partake. 6 years ago we had a fight and even though there were things that led up to it it really started going wrong there and as little as two years ago he said he wished we could get back what we had, then about 2 or 3 month ago he said he didn’t have it anymore he didn’t think he could get it back and that he felt hopeless and he had given up hope. Now after implementing your tools and seeing the result of him being more open, relaxed and forthcoming in whatever small way for now, could that mean that maybe he is feeling some hope too and just kind of have that wait and see stand back attitude in order for him to kind of sort out his feelings too, maybe also being afraid of getting disappointed again. As you say men feel as much if not more so than women do. Could it be that something got triggered in him too, by me communicating in a different way and leaning back, as much as you Rori and this blog have triggered things for me?
Quite honestly however, it has also brought about confusion for me, I feel even more insecure now at times, though my mind tells me that is to be expected when making changes within yourself, I am not always able to feel or get in tough with what I feel, and then my mind goes in overdrive trying to figure it out. I feel as if I am only touching the surface and not able to reach deep down to get at those feelings yet and I am not sure if I am afraid of reaching down or as yet still unable to do so.

My questions to you Rori are; am I just touching my surface and if so how can I get deeper? Have I triggered something in him by communicating differently and leaning back and if so what can I say to him in a feelings way to reassure him if he is afraid of getting hurt like he has been hurt before and as I have apparently done too?

Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 8:33am
249: Rori Raye says:

Uschi, keep it simple for yourself. You change things, you get different results, you feel surprised, out of your comfort zone, you feel triggered, he acts differently, he’s triggerred, your triggered, you get closer, you get scared and pull away, then you come close again. A dance of connection and emotions. Instead of trying to figure out what each dance move and jerk an glide is, what it means, and whether or not it’s good…just let the whole thing move along until something CONCRETE happens. That could be a serious action that would strengthen commitment, words coming out of his mouth…something really, really official and different. Then see how THAT FEELS. Try to stay out of analyzing and story building and story telling and story deconstructing…that’s where the problems are in the first place. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 11:58am
250: Uschi says:

Rori.
simple, aaaaaahhh I like simple, I like easy, I like not to worry, I like easing into new things, like testing the water with the tips of my toes first before jumping in. This feels good, this feels right. I think I just need to learn how to relax and let things happen.
Thanks Rori – you are a pearl, or a diamond, a ruby, and emerald, a saphire – well take your pick which ever you prefer.

Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 4:16pm
251: Uschi says:

Daria,
reading the blog I happend to come across this you had written. What is EFT and how could I get one of those sessions? If you want you can email me directly MystiqueULH@aol.com
hope to hear from you soon

Daria says:
Thanks Ann and Maria. I asked for free EFT help on another forum and a lady just did a free EFT session with me for about an hour on this, where I cried my eyes out and gave myself a big blister on my karate chop point. I feel better.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 5:50am
252: Daria says:

Uschi… I can help you with it, but I feel scared saying that as I am just starting out working with other people.

I have worked with Erika with EFT. She’s really good and is certified and has had many clients. She posts often here, there are many posts on the main posts from her.

You can contact her at erika.awakening@gmail.com

Also you can google “EFT practitioners” and find many.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 3:13pm
253: Maria says:

l checked one of Erika´s presentation where she also ment EFT, and l was amazed, how clearly she defined the importance of it. l belive, that with EF, we can achieve everything – happiness and abundance, and it comes to every part of your life, as well as realitionship and dating.
Having smell of it, l admit, that ld really like to learn more about it, cos l need it. l have realized that the emotional growth, that we can experience is like also an aha-moment, which reflects and gives better results.

oh, what l boring story….what lm sayin is that Erika, ur totally amazing.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 3:37pm
254: tinque says:

I have to jump in here. EFT apparently works well for some, but please keep in mind that there is no such thing as a panacea. In other words there is NO cure all no matter what someone tells you.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 5:00pm
255: Daria says:

I feel triggered and want to also jump in and say that I disagree with Tinque.

I believe we can have whatever we want.

So if I want to believe in a cure all or a wonderful relationship I believe I can have it.

I feel open to sirens choosing their own beliefs about this.

I don’t feel comfortable with general staments that if I believe them would limit my possibilities. That feels hopeless and sad to me.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:01pm
256: tinque says:

Daria – It seems to me that my words are not being read as written, or maybe I have not been clear. I said that EFT CAN work for some as it seems to work for you, but it may not work for everyone. I hate to see people, women here become all starry eyed thinking all the answers to their problems can be solved with one quick fix. Even EFT can’t make that promise.
We all find what works the best for each one of us, yet whatever that is, it does not happen overnight.
You Daria can have whatever you want. Just as I can and anyone else on this entire planet IF we go out there and grab it. I have not said otherwise.
You Daria are a dynamic and driven woman. You take life by the horns, and that is fabulous.
xxoo

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:25pm
257: Daria says:

Tinque… to me the starry eyed feeling is something that feels good. Yes I believe my problems can be solved. It’s taht starry eyed feeling that got me to Rori, to committing to myself, to lifting up out of the gray cloud that I saw as my future and the desperate and desolate struggle I felt in my present.

I love that feeling. And yes I do believe I can overnight solve problems with EFT. I do believe in magic. I believe in complete healing, like I am made of water, with no scars and no pain needed and flow flow flow pure fluid beautiful.

Thank you for the compliment. It feels good to read it. You are beautiful as well, and feel safe and compassionate.

I felt Furious reading the initial comment because it felt like a limiting belief imposed on me and I felt like rebelling. and I feel open to this coming up again and am ok with that because it will feel good for us to express ourselves.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:56pm
258: Rori Raye says:

Daria, and all, re EFT…I have seen lives change overnight like magic. With many different modalities. With Somatic Experiencing, with Quantum Tracking (which I love and do with clients), with EFT, with BioK, with EmoTrance, with the Abraham vibration scale, with hypnosis…NLP, Theta DNA Healing, Voice Repatterning, my husband is going to an amazing autistic savant who has his own body-centered technique, and I can see the effects and can’t wait to try him out. Everyone’s keys are different. Everyone gets unlocked and locked differently. I used to do EFT with my workshop groups at the beginning of each group, and have the entire training program on DVD in my office. I also love NET, Matrix Energetics, Sedona Method, and shamanism…I believe. I believe in my own hybrid techniques and Tools. What you are drawn to will work best for you, no need for anyone to judge anything. What works, works. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 7:05pm
259: Uschi says:

Well, he is off for his 3 week boat trip that may get cut short cause the weather just isn’t cooperating. But on the bright side – something he hasn’t done in a very very long time – kissed me good buy and even waved his coffee cup at me from the van in a good buy waving gesture – wonder how much of it he spilled LOL – as he was making final preparations putting stuff in the van I used my car to lean way back on (I gotta always remember to relax my shoulders having a hard time with that) and then when he got in the van I stood next to it but had to lean forward to hear what he was saying to me and he kind of looked at my lips though he was the one talking and didn’t have to read mine LOL so I kinda looked up and we kissed – just a light kiss noting elaborate but what an improvement from several month ago where he just took off without even saying good buy.
So now I have 3 weeks to myself (maybe less) and gonna put them to good use.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 11:28pm
260: Mercedes says:

Tinque: I am with you on this one. We all carry so much with us for so many different reasons. Something like EFT can certainly help some people, but I don’t see it as magic or overnight. If it worked that way, people would only have to do it one time. Because we have so much, even those who use EFT are using it a lot…not just once. They’ll apply it to a VERY specific feeling or experience and, if it works for them, they feel better about that particular feeling or experience…but there is always something new to tap on. It won’t magically take it all away…and…in my opinion (and it seems yours as well)…nothing will. We work on ourselves constantly and without magical cures. I love this about life. It keeps us constantly working, learning, healing and growing. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:21am
261: tinque says:

I miss so much while asleep in my new time zone.
Daria – Okay. I understand why starry eyed would feel good. It does feel good. I feel concern though for those that set themselves for great disappointment by putting out expectations that for THEM don’t feel fulfilled for THEM.
The way you describe starry eyed is for me like having hope and desire, yet I see in you that you also throw in a large dose of determination. You NEVER give up. This is a wonderful quality. This is how you get for you what you want, anything you want, and if these other tools help you get there all the better. But it’s you and your strength that are in play here.
There are many that look outside themselves to be healed and don’t put in the work that healing requires.
They don’t apply what they find to the inside where the magic really lies. This is not you.
I have to respectfully disagree with Rori that there are instant cures. You may very well FEEL much better after a session of whatever it is that works for you, and there are many choices of modalities. I do agree and have already said that they all work, some better than others depending on the individual.
Yet with every case I have seen with my own eyes and experienced with my own body, you still need to keep at it. I don’t want to diminish the good that EFT can do, and I’m using it here as an example. You still need to go back and tap on the issue at hand a few times, many times, and even then the issue may still linger.
You still to shush the nasty voices every now and then. You still need to sensually meditate to maintain.
Please hear me when I say that good can be received from all kinds of things and through many avenues, EFT included. I don’t want the uninitiated to think that one meditation will solve all their problems or one EFT session or any of the others Rori listed above.
That’s all.
xxoo
I just read Miss M’s entry. She said it better maybe, more concisely.

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:51am
262: Mercedes says:

LOL Tinque: I was thinking when reading your post how much better you said it than I did!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 8:24am
263: tinque says:

I guess we must be each others mutual admiration group LOL.

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 8:40am
264: Amanda says:

Hi Rori,

I have a feeling that the answer to my question may have something to do with being completely authentic, real, and just “being”, but I’m still curious to get your take nonetheless.

Why is it, when I’m all dressed up, smooth from head to toe, feeling and looking all sexy, warm, open and incredibly soft and feminine … that’s the time my man doesn’t even so much as lift a finger to TRY to put the moves on me physically?

Yet, when I’m all undone, my hair’s a mess, and I haven’t shaved for a while … that’s when he’s all over me. I don’t understand. It can get rather frustrating at times, especially when I get all dolled up for a special occasion and get virtually no physical affection (this time it was our 3 year anniversary).

I mostly get all smooth and dolled up for myself, as it makes me feel good and feminine … but it would also be nice to get some appreciation/acknowledgment from him as well.

Is there a way to find middle ground on this? I’ve been leaning back a lot lately, it seems to be working so far.

Would love some insight.

Thanks!

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 9:51am
265: Rori Raye says:

Amanda – here’s my instantaneous take: all dolled up…he experiences you as untouchable…perhaps even that you’re “trying too hard.” All just relaxed…it’s just you, authentic. So – yes –I think you’ve “got it” in your first sentence…Love, Rori

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 10:29am
266: Uschi says:

AFross an email from a german group on yahoo that every now and then gets together in the DC area and there was mentioning of a black tie affair at the German embassy here for the ending of October fest that is currently going on in Munich. An email came back saying:
In a message dated 10/1/2009 1:06:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, david@maritime.org writes:
Will be offline most of the time from 1800 on Wed 30 Sep until the sea gods spit me out in mid October. In emergency try cell 301-222-4712 or hail “RVR” on marine VHF ch 16 near Lewes DE.

That phone number is the number of the other woman that he messed around with. Though I am not too worried about that at the moment cause things did change here at home a bit to the positive since I been doing the leaning back and all and also cause she has been involved with all that archeological stuff for quite a few years now.
I am not sure how to answer his email though and was thinking of writing:
Know you wont be back in time – just wanted to let you know this is going on – in a way I wish we could go yet seems like I am getting away from a lot of things lately and they are just not that important anymore – there are other things I’d rather be doing
and with that last thing I am saying I am hoping he gets the hint that I’d rather be in the boat with him though I am not saying that in the hope that he will figure that out for himself.
I’d like to have some input on that before I am sending that email off cause I don’t wanna be leaning forward though I feel the last part is leaning back letting him figure it out – I am unsure about this – could I get some help on that please – would you word it differently – cause not only am I leaning back in our relationship but there are other things I am kind of shaking off too things from the past and all

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 10:48am
267: Uschi says:

I forgot to mention that this is the wrong number cause the prefix is a MD number but the real number is a DE number and not sure if this was an automatic answer email or if that is an on purpose “typo” cause the email went to me. Subject line does say Re: Gone, Bye and that was not what was in the subject line I sent him so it is not a direct response.
I FEEL that this woman has not much grab on him anymore especially since things seem to have improved here at home – yet at the same time I am worried and angry too that it even went as far as that, that he felt he needed to look elsewhere to get what he needs and I was unable to give that to him. I am gonna try not to worry about her and instead work on me here while I am alone and can completely concentrate on me leaning to use those tools more effectively without having other things distracting me.
Meanwhile I have come across a book “The seven Principals of making marriage work” by John M Gottman, Ph.D. Some of the things that he describes at the begining of the book are rather interesting especially on how he can predict divorce within talking or observing a couple in the first 5 min. Most of the things that he describes as negative aspects that would cause eventual divorce if changes are not made) we do not have in our relationship. Also I have found myself while reading the examples thinking to myself that I would say that NOW after reading and learning Rori’s tools and not what she said in the example. So I feel that I am at a stage now where I really watch myself trying not to fall into old habits.
Anyway, girls if you have any advise in wording my email response to him please let me know – I am very greatful for all this here as it is.
Uschi

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 11:16am
268: Matina says:

Hi ! I have a question: After ending a very long relationship, that made me a nervous wreck, 4 years ago,(a lot of back and forth, and we kind of faded away) I am still fiding myself attached to him, even though I dont see him! I have only met just one man I liked ever since, with whom I dated twice, and he suddently stopped everything! Just when I found myself being able to say I was finally free of the past! and I was not, probably because this last attempt didnt work! Silly as I may sound, I find myself admitting I would go back to the love of my life, if he would eventhough he treated me bad!I feel stupid about all this, Either I am crazy, or my ability to love someone who would respond again is gone!Many guys seem attracted to , but all seem neutral to me! I have just started to work with your Modern Siren Programme. Any suggestions?
Thank you
Matina

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 3:35pm
269: Flipper says:

Uschi, in my experience, I’m rarely understood through subtle, indirect communication or hints, and it never gets me what I want. Men seem to feel it as manipulation. (Blatant, over-the-top manipulation actually seems to get much better results, for those who use it – go figure). As for what you wrote, it feels to me as if you are giving up your own stuff to either make yourself available and adaptable for others’ (him?) or that you’re becoming jaded and don’t care anymore about anything. None of that feels too attractive – what do you think?

About the message with the weird phone number – instead of wondering and guessing, what about sending it back as is and expressing some genuine curiosity, simply, without suggesting a meaning or that it’s an error or anything at all. ‘I feel confused about this message’ ?

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 5:28pm
270: Rori Raye says:

Welcome, Matina, and so sorry you’re feeling so stuck. Modern Siren will help you tremendously…and then, when you can, get Targeting Mr. Right. In the meantime, learn all you can here about Circular Dating, and just start doing it. It will help you so much. Love, Rori

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:35pm
271: Uschi says:

Flipper,
no I am not becoming jaded, it is just that some of the old things that I grew up with and some of the things I have been taught are just not applicable anymore or actually never were, its just something I knew and always fell back on and I am realizing now that it doesn’t work and really never has. That’s how Rori’s book and this blog is opening my eyes. Going to something German just would bring that closer again and make it easier for me to fall back into old habits and till I am sure I am not gonna do that anymore I am going to bypass that. So yes I am giving up some stuff for the time being to make room for better but for me not for anyone else. And the old stuff will get somehow either readjusted or will just be a memory. There is a unity of understanding with ppl from the same country and many times we talk about how we do things in our country and the way we think etc. Especially ppl from my generation who grew up with a certain way of thinking and doing, that may have never been part of this country. I really don’t want to see from any German woman how a woman is to be sub-servant to a man or husband to keep him happy and that’s how I was raised. Going to an event like this would bring all this up again and too close for my comfort after I just started getting away from that and it’s showing some results. That does not mean I am giving up being German it just means I am giving up what doesn’t work. Not sure anyway if it is just a German trait I am sure it can be found anywhere, however for me it just seems so German LOL.

Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 9:26pm
272: Flipper says:

Uschi, I sorta felt that about what you said and find it very insightful and useful – for You. I feel admiration and appreciation that you’re sharing all that with us here. But I just don’t feel alluding to all that, which is completely your stuff (and may interest him down the line at some point if in context), would make any sense to some guy out on a boat for a few weeks. That’s where email and texting feel like such a trap to me – I think I can get things out calmly and clearly after much editing, but when I re-read myself a few days later, even I can’t sort out the meaning of what I’m trying to say. There’s no voice tone, no eye contact or touching to communicate my mood or guage his. No context despite putting in what seemed like necessary explanations – just piles of words that seem to obliterate rather than clarify. The phone is only one step better than this, and still feels inadequate and off-putting to expressing my feelings and doing that scary part of seeing/feeling how he takes it.

For me, a real Exchange is not likely, at least not a helpful one. The written words and their immediate effect get set in stone, however far they are from intentions or even the actual subject the writer means to convey. Many of us women tend to try communicating indirectly in the hopes of ‘allowing the other to figure it out for himself’, or ‘making it easy’ to take things in the direction they want without having to ‘hurt our feelings’ by being put on the spot. But in reality, this feels more like a stratagem to avoid revealing our true feelings and feeling vulnerable. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are the usual result anyway, so all these precautions are false protection.

Also, ‘explanations’ being such a turn-off, I feel it’s much more satisfying to respond in the moment, and for that we have to be in the moment, not writing about it (or a whole series of moments that may make a single scenario only in our own minds) later. The actual content of these explanations/’stories’ -see the other thread about the universe – doesn’t matter much. I feel it’s that Connection in the Moment that counts, and sometimes we just have to keep as happily busy with our stuff as we can, until those moments can physically happen.

I wish you success in using this you-time to advance yourself towards what you want.

Friday, 2 October 2009 @ 5:48am
273: Amanda says:

Hi Rori,

Thanks for getting back to me so quick the other day, I really appreciate it. I feel good that it seems I’m starting to pick up on your tools!

My question for you today is a bit different. You see, I’m a Facebook user, and my login has always been set to my college email address. Always. It has never changed. My computer is also set to save my logins (just the username, not the password).

However, yesterday I came home from work to find that my hotmail email address was saved in the login. I could be wrong, but my first gut reaction was that maybe my boyfriend had tried logging into my account. You see, a hacker would have been smart enough to get into my account using the default student email. But my boyfriend doesn’t know my student email, the only email of mine that he knows by heart is the hotmail one. That’s what has me wondering.

I texted him at work, saying I thought someone tried to or did log into my account. He asked me how I knew, I explained that its always set to my student email, yet my hotmail address was randomly there.

He then responded with “weird, change the password?”, I replied that I had changed every password on every account. He then said “maybe it was just a computer error or default.”

I got busy and didn’t reply to that text, next thing I know he’s texting me asking if I’m okay, and then he was super affectionate when he got home.

I don’t know what to think. I told him today that I’m feeling very paranoid to use my computer now, it’s just a really unsettling feeling. Not that I have anything to hide, but it’s personal. I’m feeling very violated. Regardless if it was him or a hacker. When I said I felt paranoid, he simply said “I’m sure your computer’s okay.”

Any thoughts? It just… my gut rarely steers me wrong. I hope I am, but I thought I’d get your thoughts on how to navigate this situation.

I don’t really want to flat out accuse him of anything, because I could very well be wrong, but I want to talk about it in a way that would make him feel safe if he needed to admit he was up to something.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Saturday, 3 October 2009 @ 12:48pm
274: Rori Raye says:

Amanda…tell him the truth. Say how awkward this is for you…and you just need to be honest and open with him and know he is with you and that you can figrue anything out. If he says it wasn’t him — you have to BELIEVE HIM. Rori

Saturday, 3 October 2009 @ 4:39pm
275: Matina says:

Dear Rori
Thank you for answering so fast! I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward waving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed ar more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moent it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jelous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.
Thank you
Matina

Sunday, 4 October 2009 @ 3:21am
276: Trixie says:

I have an 11 year old daughter, was married 10 years and have been divorced for 2 years plus one year being seperated. I was living with my boyfriend for a year, moved into our own apartment because things didn’t work out that well. We’ve been back together for about a year and I’ve been living with my daughter in our own place for 1 year and a half. I have healed from the pain of divorce and the pain of having another relationship fail right after. My problem now is, I am moving back in with my boyfriend, my daughter is 100% for it, my family has accepted it and us being back together finally, but………I am ready for marriage, I’m not looking to be a live in, why buy the cow type of girl. My boyfriend and I have had many many discussions and he says he wants marriage as well. During the first 6 months of our breakup I did date and he knows this. He said he still has hurt from the fact that I went and dated, even though we weren’t together. Biggest problem was, I dated a man that was a “friend” of mine for 9 years that I expressed to my boyfriend was no more than a friend. It turned out that my “friend” did want more from me than friendship. I had ended this friendship and cut all ties and communications as of July, the first week of July. I am now in the process of moving back in with my boyfriend who is “unsure” now if he wants marriage because of “hurt”. I have cut the lease with my apartment and have no other options as to living arrangements because of lack of rentals in my area and trying to keep my daughter in her school (she’s in 6th grade and VERY attached to her friends). I’m stuck having to move back in with a man that feels hurt and is unsure of what he wants which in turn makes me feel like I will be spending the next year, 2 or 3 with him waffling and indecisive. I am ready for marriage, I do not want to be a live in girlfriend with all the benefits of a wife with no committment. I have expressed this calmly and rationally to my boyfriend, he knows how I feel. It’s unfair and making me feel confused, hurt and heartbroken. Had I know he felt this way, I would not have broken my lease and would have stayed in my own apartment. Now I’m stuck with my poor daughter caught right in the middle. I’m going crazy in my own head, I know I’m pushing him and pressuring him and this is a huge part of the problem. But I’ve already spent 2 1/2 years waiting for this man who goes from I’m buying you a ring to I’m not sure in a week. Please help!! I appreciate any advice and thank you.

Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 11:42am
277: Rori Raye says:

Trixie, Welcome, and I know I’m disappointing you by saying this, but I think you know it already – you’re going about this all wrong. First – his “hurt” over your dating when you were broken up is pure bullshit. Don’t even give it a thought. Just say…it feels good to be wanted…it feels good to feel your possessiveness. And smile. You know you should have never cancelled your lease without a wedding date…but you have. If it were me, I’d go move to another apartment with my daughter, in the same neighborhood – no lease, just month to month, and tell your boyfriend that without a ring and wedding date and future plans, you feel just like you’re dating, and so you won’t be being exclusive with him either. Smile. Just say you’re looking to be married and secure, and if he’s not ready, that’s totally okay, and you get it, and he’s entitled, but it doesn’t work for you to commit so much to a man and not feel that commitment coming from the man. then follow through and Circular Date. That you need to take care of yourself and your daughter first, and you know that moving in with him under uncertain circustanes is going to make you crazy and make you want to push the relationshi and you don’t want to do that. You’re doing it already. Don’t do it anymore. We’ll give you help here, Love, Rori

Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 12:50pm
278: Trixie says:

Thanks Rori. I just want you to know that I do own your Toxic Men, I’m toxic as well. I also have E-Book and several other CD’s. I have been trying to use eveything for over a year. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just get so pissed off I fall back into old patterns. And I am not disappointed by your reply at all, I was holding off for the wedding date/ring whole 9 yards. The sale of my apartment building has led to me having to leave, I can’t afford the new rent it’s way too expensive for a single mom. My only other option was to move to a different school district and my daughter would be devasted. I’ve already moved her from one school to this town. He did step up and offer me a place to live. I agree that it’s bullshit, and I’m allowed to date whoever/whenever. I’m really in a bad spot. I truly have no where else to go to live. There are NO apartments in my price range which is under $1000 per month. I have exhausted every resource and called in every favor to find a new place to go. I’m trying, but I’m so screwed right now. I use feeling messages 24/7 and he responds back with “and I feel (fill in the blank)”. He keeps telling me that his feelings don’t seem to matter to me. Just what I want. I’m leaning back, I talk 100% less, listen more, everything you teach. I do falter a lot, but I am getting better. Thank you for your response, it means everything to me.

Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 1:15pm
279: Maria says:

hm, l remember one case, when a man l dated left me because he was “HURT” cos to me it seemed like l didnt love him enough. l was his love of life as he described.

right.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 5:48am
280: Trixie says:

What I am so confused and hurt by is the fact that I feel like I am not trusted. I feel like I am on trial. I have done everything that I truly needed to do for myself to get my own head and heart straight and now it feels as though I’m right back to where I started one year and a half ago. I’m shaking, my thoughts are jumbled, work performance failing, in my head constantly, heart pounding. I feel very afraid to communicate this to my boyfriend. I am completely between a rock and hard place. All he has to do is say “you’re not moving back here” and I will truly be homeless. This is not an exaggeration. I have to be out of my apartment by the 31st of October, there is no going back to the landlord and saying, “oh, false alarm, I’m now staying.” The rent is increasing and I can’t afford what I’m paying now. My daughter is in her first month of the new school year and my only option will be to rip her out of school and transfer her to a new one. I know I need to tell my boyfriend how I feel because it’s showing in my actions and written all over my body. He’s not stupid, I can tell he knows he did the wrong thing by saying what he said about, “I need to be sure you won’t go running back to your friend” which has been visibly proven to him over the past 4 months just by my actions and without me having to say a word!! I feel so hurt and disappointed, and I truly feel like I’m being jerked around. I can see in his face he KNOWS and feels guilty!! Plus, last night as I was unloading more of my things into his house, he sat at the table and read the paper! I’m really in for it. I have to find a way to make this work in my head, for myself and my daughter, not the realtionship itself but how do I live in this house just for the next 8 months when my daughter is out of school and I will finally have an option (my family owns a house OUT of this town that will be un-rented by then) to leave and move the hell on with my damn life. I remember Rori’s story regarding her husband moving into her apartment before they were married. She treated him as a “roommate”. Is this a way I can at least get through this without losing my mind??

Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 7:12am
281: Amy says:

Rori,
Thank you for all the information you share. It has certainly given me a new perspective on so many areas of relationships.

I am one that overfunctions.

I am sure you have addressed this in the past, but I’m having trouble finding a post. I read your comments under the “marriage” heading and they helped some.

What specific advice would you have for ladies that are married with children? The husband gets the benefit of being cared for as the children are cared for — i.e. laundry, meals, dishes, grocery runs. I have stepped back on the things I would consider non-essential, such as buying him cards/cupcakes/cookies/other things just because. I go ahead with my activities and he follows me through the house to tell me about his day rather than me dropping everything and hanging on every word for hours of him telling me about his day. I am not at his disposal for chores or errands. Small things I have changed…

Yet even with these baby steps, he still randomly pulls away (typically about once every month or two). Worse, he pushes me away. I’ve been journal-ing our relationship (who does what and the current state) and it seems these times of distance are directly related to his stress outside of the home. But his first reaction to the stress is to push the kids and me away. He also withdraws affection (sometimes all affection). If I give him complete space (and I do mean complete), he will come back around within a week or so. But these episodes are really hard on me. I need steady, consistent, and stable. I have told him how it feels to me, so he tries to do better to tell me why it is happening (I used to think it was me). However, it still happens. Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you sincerely!

Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 8:33am
282: melinda says:

Dear Rori,
I have seeing/sleeping w/ a man for over 3 years. I am now 9 months pregnant by him. He uses the word friend often when I shut down and dont contact him and he contacts me. He will say he misses my friendship which I understand as he misses our sex. He can’t leave me alone for any longer than a month but yet all I get is to be his “friend”. I have explained that I will not be his friend because I love him too much and that I love me enough to walk away and pursue other available options that will love me back and that will also accept his child since he doesnt want the baby. he has tried any way possible to get me to give the baby up for adoption because he is in no financial posistion to raise another child. He has 2 girls from a previous marraige. I am not in much better posistion because I have 3 children but have chosen to love this child aqnd raise it to the best of my ability. I do love him but I am in complete annd utter shock that anyone can treat another human as hre has me. So I chose to end the “friendship” have our baby and walk away to pursue happiness. I love me more!!!!!

Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 11:41am
283: Temtem says:

HI rori.
I’ve recently been reading your posts and eletters and realised something very important. I’m doing a lot of the stuff that you have mentioned especially beating myself up and ovefunctioning.
1) i buy him a lot of stuff, even though its just litle things like a teddy bear when i go out or i see something and think of him so i buy it.

2) I’m sooo jealous. My current boyriend is a musician and as can be expected there are a lot of girls who like him. but none of them worry me as much as this one particular girl. and it make me feel stupid and insecure because all she does is leave comments on his facebook, saying how she misses him. THAT’S IT! I have no reason to think he’s cheating but the whole situation with this girl just upsets me.

3) he’s pulling away pretty quickly now. he used to call me every day, tell me how much he loved me and missed me and wanted to be with me, marry me and all that.
Now he hardly calls me at all, he’s always too busy and I see him once a week at my initiation. everything we do is at my initiation. we don’t even go out anymore. If i want to see him again I have to ask when he’s free, wheras before he would ask me. I guess that bit is my fault because I took charge when he was doing just fine.

I just want to know how to get his interest back because I know he does love me but something is making him pull back.

I need help.
xxxxx

Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 4:42pm
284: Sylvie says:

Hello All,

I am new to this blog although I have been reading the emails for a long time. I also have the e-book and Heart Connection Toolkit.

I like Roris quite revolutionary tools. But I am in despair that they will work for me. I try to Lean Back now (just as an experiment with the men that I meet at work) but I think It might come across as a lack of interest. I don’t know how to have an open heart without Leaning Forward and being caring etc.

I feel old, unattractive, undesirable and unable to get over an obsession with my ex. He cheated on me and did not love me. He is now in a relationship with a married woman. I would like to be like her! She has so much power and he jumps when she calls to say that she is available to meet him. She comes before everything for him – including his kids and even money. And I think she is never ‘needy’ because she can spread her needs across 2 men…. But really, I don’t think I could juggle 2 men!

I just want to be free of thinking about him, her, whether their relationship will survive or not. I want to be free to focus on my life and feel some hope for the future. I feel like I will never have another relationship and if I do, I will make the same mistakes again – doing too much, being a ‘good woman’, mothering him, putting my needs last…. I would love to feel like a Goddess but I don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore.

I get lost and overwhelmed on this blog and with all the tools. I don’t know where to start. But I would like to because it seems like such a supportive, caring community.

Thanks xxxxx

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 8:35am
285: Matina says:

Hi Sylvie! I think you are great for knowing yourself, eventhough you are not happy about some aspects! I think you must be a very nice person, and he is a fool for letting you go! I have been there as well, and I am also stuck, with someone who treated me bad, and I still think of him, but it is getting better. You have faith in yourself, and be the best you can for you!
Love
Matina

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 1:18pm
286: Matina says:

Dear Rori:
I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward moving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed or more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moment it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jealous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.
Thank you
Matina

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 1:44pm
287: Rori Raye says:

Temtem, Welcome, and you’re not going to like my advice. You’ve put this man off by chasing him. And by being jealous. these are all symptoms of low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is just not attractive to a man. When you make a man the center of your world…you practically kill the attraction and romance. PLEASE learn about Circular Dating here and DO IT. We’ll all help you beef yourself up inside, by working on yourself “out in the field.” Love, Rori

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 1:58pm
288: Rori Raye says:

Melinda, Welcome, and yes, you’ve got it, this man is nothing to you. Please focus on taking care of your family. AND get legal help, because you will need financial support from this man. Also, Melinda, I know everyone has told you this and it doesn’t feel good…but the mistake you made in having unprotected sex with this man before being assured he cares for you (marriage) is a mistake that’s in your system. (If it was an accident..sorry for characterizing it as a mistake…but I would still say then that your method of birth control should be looked into – though a close friend got pregnant twice with a cervical cap…so…) Forget about how much you love him. He is the baby’s father, and you need to keep that in mind. Therefore…you ARE stuck being friends with him for LIFE. Please start figuring out how to do that once you’ve figured out how to get financial support from him. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 2:02pm
289: Rori Raye says:

Amy, Welcome…and this is where you have to learn some ‘coaching” skills. Often, withdrawing is only about him, and there’s nothing you can do except take care of yourself and pretend he’s not even there. Often, though, too — it’s about anger. So…after a day or two of him in his “cave” try (and you have to have amazing Rori Raye conversation and negotiation and listening skills in order to do this, so PRACTICE them!) simply sit down, and ask him “Are you mad at me?” And then see what he says. He may shut down, or he might surprise you and open up. He may say “It’s not you…it’s…” and your job is to listen at Level 2 and nod your head. If he IS angry at you, you have to learn how to Listen at Level 2 and let him speak. As long s he doesn’t attack you…consider it a great thing if he opens up. If it’s something you can agree you did…apologize. See how this works as a communication Tool…It also might enable him to listen to YOU in a better way. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 2:07pm
290: Flipper says:

Trixie – I feel supportive – your situation feels pretty awful right now, and I know how it is when taking care of your daughter’s need feels like it’s in contradiction with your own. Even though now must feel being between a rock and a hard place, I applaud you for being able to see some solutions in the middle term, at the end of the school year. When I read you the first time, I also thought of something like ‘roommates’. If I were in your bind, I probably would try to work out something along those lines if nothing else seemed feasible. In fact, my situation has some similarities so I know it can be done if you can feel strong and clear about it, i.e. not feel as though you were ‘imposing’ and not allow yourself to become a ‘poor cousin’ (the one who gets taken in, but treated like a servant). Wishing you strength, creativity and clear boundaries.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 5:13pm
291: Sylvie says:

Hello Matina,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I was afraid that I would be told to ‘Let Him Go’. If only I could…

I am sorry that you are stuck thinking about your ex too. Let’s try to get free together by taking good care of ourselves.

Love,

Sylvie

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 4:02am
292: Trixie says:

Flipper,

You are my angel!! I so needed to hear support from someone so badly. I feel like I’m making a huge mistake by moving back, but I have to. I’m going to take your advice, feel strong and clear in my own head that yes he’s stepped up and offered a place for us to live, now I’m taking up on the offer and that’s what it is. Whatever happens afterwards happens. I will not feel like a poor cousin considering I will be PAYING him half mortgage, half utilities, etc. I am truly a “roommate”. The only thing that concerns me the most is the last time we lived there he gave me ONE day to move out. And that was police involvement (I called). The police told me it’s his house and you have to leave. I need something written and signed that this will not happen again, he will give me a reasonable time frame to move. I have no idea how to go about doing this with a man that’s untrusting for no reason already. I’m afraid he’ll just tell me don’t even bother coming back at all and that I don’t trust him. (I don’t).

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 7:52am
293: Amy says:

Rori,
Thank you sincerely for your note back.

I want to follow up with the outcome so that the other readers can see what came of this situation and how your advice helped.

I did not do everything exactly as you said, and I hope getting things out of order doesn’t weaken the effect. But if you feel it will help other readers to critic how I went about this, please feel free.

I went to him (his shut out was still full in force – which means he does not take my calls, e-mails, or respond with much, if anything, when I speak to him in person) and told him first how much he means to me (in a sentence or two) and that it felt like he felt undermined on an issue a few days ago which lead him to behave the way he had been behaving. I apologized that he felt that way (I did not take blame). I gave examples of how he had been respected and built up and asked that he would choose to focus on the positive and come to me to discuss issues when we do not see eye to eye rather than going through days like this. I explained how hard it is on me, trust, and the relationship. I said I expected him to forgive me and to begin treating me as though he loved me. He immediately responded with an apology. (That has never happened. In the past if I approached him (no matter the method I chose) it became a fight and I was blamed and attacked and left more wounded than how I went into it…which has resulted in me being afraid to approach him, so please know how much courage this took. Thank you for supporting my effort.) I remained quiet (the only other thing I said was to thank him for his apology) and let him work through it. I think the result is that he better understands himself. I am not certain I needed to understand, but I think that will help him do better handling his emotions going forward.

I thank you again sincerely.

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 9:22am
294: la la land says:

well now that i begin to receive meaningful new reactions from my partner, i know i am not to beet myself up for the horrible wife i use to be, but its hard.
for years i thought he was cruel and mean while it was my behavior ” you bring out the worse of me” i remember he use to say to me.
it seems we share a similar impression of our mutual past: ‘pain and trauma’. we both felt victims, but i was doing it. how does one not beet himself up after so much damage, when it all can be so simple and clear really.

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 9:37am
295: Amy says:

la la land,
I am not certain if you are addressing me, but I have never been a horrible wife and I don’t know that you have either. I have made wrong decisions in how I approached him or how I tried to communicate. But everything I ever did was out of the deepest love and commitment to him…and trying to be true to myself, my desires, my needs. I have learned many errors of my ways through Rori’s notes and teachings, but errors do not make me a horrible wife or person…nor do they make you that. Acknowledgement of error is merely opportunity for greatness.

My husband made bad decisions in his actions. He treated me unfairly. He hurt me so deeply, I do not have the energy to go into all the details in this blog, but if the basics will help in some way, I will share. I handled many of those situations “correctly.” He will tell you today that it was him, not me.

Some of Rori’s stories so closely resemble mine that I was able to learn through her experiences.

I didn’t change after he “had” me. I was the same as I had always been. I was happy and excited about life and I had no idea things were changing for him. After we had promised each other “forever” he “changed his mind.” He didn’t want me after all. It shattered me and I didn’t know what to do. To say I was disappointed doesn’t capture it. Rejected. Broken. I meant my commitment. I didn’t want to leave. I certainly didn’t want to leave if it meant he would then realize he wanted me back only when I had just made my new life and healed. Millions of thoughts swam in my head. Oh, I could have used Rori then. I didn’t know how to talk to him. I didn’t know what to ask. All I knew is I needed to know, “What?!” “Why?!” Years later, it turns out that it was him, new job stress in a new part of the country, he was building our house, money stress…so many things that had nothing to do with me, but he took it out on me. My reaction to that was wrong. I would do “good” for a few weeks and then I’d fall apart (while doing good, I definitley overfunctioned…I am certain I was trying to earn his love back). I kept thinking if I did good enough at leaving him alone and giving him space long enough, he would eventually come to me and tell me what he had meant and what he wanted (considering I explicitly told him that is what I needed to know). Instead, for over a year we didn’t have a relationship. That year I read over 250 books on relationships and men. Weeks would pass in silence and he wouldn’t give me any information, much less affection. Sex was horrible…a means to an end type thing…empty….painful experience.

At the end of each period of a few weeks of silence, I would crumble in loneliness and in missing him; I would ask him if he was mad at me or I would ask him if I could have his touch back. All I would get is “no.” I would ask him if he wanted me to stay. He would say, “You can do whatever you want.” I would ask, “What do YOU want.” He would then say, “I’m not having this conversation.” And he would refuse to say another word for days. I asked him if there was someone else. He would be so offended and mad…he would tell me he wouldn’t have that conversation either. (I asked that a couple times.) That went on for over a year. The best I would ever get is, “You need to be patient. Things will be better when we are moved into the new house. I don’t have anything to give you now. So many people have it so much worse than you. Why can’t you find happiness in what you do have? Your health…your job…” It was horrible. Finally he realized I had given up and I was slowly but surely putting my affairs in order to go make my own life. I had started packing and putting my things in storage. He came to me and apologized for how he had been. He admitted that the lack of communication was killing us and the fact that we had a relationship at all was only to my credit for all I had done to try to keep us together.

I had huge, nasty scars and trust issues that had to be healed. In truth, b/c of these current periods of withdrawal and how they emotionally send me back to that terrible period in our lives, the trust issues still surface. I don’t know that he’s always going to be there for me. I don’t know that I can always count on him. B/c if I need him while he’s in his cave, I’m all alone. He went in his cave for over a year. That’s a long time when you don’t know why he’s left you (emotionally). How do I know he won’t leave me (emotionally) again for an equally long period or longer? So when he does this it causes panic within me. I have tried to do as Rori says and I literally date myself. I take myself to the movies or to eat. I jog. I play with the kids. I write my friends and elderly relatives that just love hearing that someone cares. I do all I can to focus on everything but him. But the fear is still at the core of me. I find myself trying to visualize all the positive of a life without him — how I would set up a good life for me — so that I’m not afraid of him not coming out of his cave or of him telling me he doesn’t want me. It just gets hard sometimes to stay focused on the positive and not to relapse to the negative feeling of rejection when you hear someone tell you they don’t want you. I go to a counselor so I have somewhere to “put” these feelings since I don’t feel comfortable taking them to him. I also journal.

I don’t know if any of that helps or not. No matter what has gone on in your relationship in the past, you have a beautiful future to be the best wife your husband could ever imagine. But bigger and better than that, you have your whole life to be the most beautiful you that YOU could ever imagine. How lucky he is that you care enough about you to spend time reading Rori’s blog and resources and work on you. Everyone stumbles as they grow. What beautiful women we are that we took the time to nuture ourselves so that we could get up and continue growing. How blessed are those in our lives that they are touched by who we have already become.

Heartfelt,

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 10:59am
296: Simply Shannon says:

Amy: Thank you for sharing your story!!! It felt good to hear how you went thru that painful period and came out of it as a stronger woman. I feel in awe of what you overcame. Thank you Amy!

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 11:13am
297: Amy says:

Thanks, Simply Shannon. Reading Rori’s information has been helpful, but I’m no expert on life and love. I do think we all have to be very, very careful to forget blame. This isn’t about saying we are bad wives, girlfriends, significant others… This is merely about being better at being who we are intended to be. Rori is teaching things that are new to many of us. How many of us were coached in these ways by our mothers? We can’t do until we know to do… And it will only build so much resentment to lay blame on the men. If they have given us reason to believe they are capable of more and will do their part, what can it hurt to give them the opportunity to lead? That’s what Rori is saying, I think. If we’ll give them to opportunity to step up, perhaps they will; and if they will, both sides find balance. If they don’t, how sad really that they are missing out on such incredible women, but how great that the women are then freed to go find men that deserve them!!! Really, we should redefine failure. Perhaps failure is remaining in a broken cycle rather than finding out two people don’t fit together. Perhaps that is not failuare at all, only a realization that then allows success in new beginnings, you know?

My heart has just been broken in reading these blogs and I’m so encouraged to know that someone like Rori is out there to help so many of us that couldn’t see what the broken cycle was. I mean, cooking, cleaning, providing, helping in every respect, listening…all those things seem so good…I would have never equated those things to overfunctioning which is a bad thing and yields the exact response I try so desperately to avoid.

Simply Shannon, I read one of your earlier posts about asking for affection…I’ve rambled on so much, but I started this blog entry to say to you that I am now flooded with affection most of the time…and I hardly ever initiate. At one time, that admission would have seemed so sad to me. But his response only encourages it. I give him a peck on the check in passing from time to time…or I massage his shoulders after he’s worked in the yard all day…small things. But nothing like before. And I no longer hunger or yearn for his touch. I remember my skin hurting, muscles aching just wanting the smallest touch. Now he wakes me up often during the night and all he’s doing is reaching for my hand. I am amazed at Rori’s insight. I can’t help but feel sad at times that I feel restricted in what love I want to pour on him…I love giving letters and cards and hugs…but that makes him retreat. So, I think the way those of us with men like that should see that is to see it as more love to share with the rest of the world. Now my girlfriends get cards from me. My kids and friends get my hugs. And it feels so good not to feel rejection, but rather an equal embrace.

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 12:14pm
298: Simply Shannon says:

Wow Amy! I feel so moved by what you just wrote! Yes, I am breaking the cycle!!! I agree with what you said about realizing two people might just not be the right fit. It hurts when you think things should work, but your feelings tell you different. I feel baffled by my thinking sometimes. It’s like a war between my brain and my heart. My heart says “no, you need to go” but my brain says “don’t go, you’ll be alone”. It’s my fear talking. I’m working on this about myself and learning to love me more than anything else. Thank you Amy! Truly, thank you!

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 12:33pm
299: Amy says:

Well, you are welcome. How kind of you to say that. During my hardest times I would think it’d be all worth the pain if the experience would help one other person. To give myself a feeling of purpose, I journaled and ended up journaling to my daughter. When she is much, much older I will pass it on to her just in case some of my experiences will help her bypass the learning curve. That sense of purpose is important.

Also, I think in my times of greatest pain, I hurt because it seemed to me that no one in the world cared or understood. “No greater burden can be born by an individual than to know none who cares or understands.” – Arthur H. Stainback

What we have found here is a community that knows, understands, and cares. Find comfort in that.

I don’t know everything that is happening with you…and I don’t know how you are being treated, but loving yourself is certainly key. As you love yourself, your heart changes and you start to see yourself as you now see a dear, dear friend. You can’t stand to see a dear friend treated badly. As you love yourself more, you’ll find that suddenly you look at a man that you once wanted so much and you no longer want him…simply because he doesn’t love, cherish, and adore you as you deserve to be loved, cherished, and adored. You long for more for yourself b/c you love yourself. …Just as you would for a friend. As Rori says…keep loving yourself. That’s the best way to get going in the right direction.

For me, it turned out that I didn’t have to leave. He stepped up to the plate and we are better together than ever. But things had gotten so bad that I had lost a lot of what I felt for him because he had not cherished the friend I had befriended within, you know? That had to be rebuilt. Thankfully that rebuilding came naturally as he stepped up. Rori shares this too, I think…it can be rebuilt.

Good luck to you, Simply Shannon. Funny how you can feel like you’ve found friends in the matter of moments.

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 1:22pm
300: Simply Shannon says:

Amy: I am coveting your words right now. I’m headed out on a date and what you said is speaking VOLUMES to me right now. I truly cherish it and YOU for giving them to me. I feel lighter and more focused on what I want… to treat myself as I would a dear friend. I love that. I wouldn’t wish pain and anguish on anyone, so why would I do that to myself? Okay, I feel teary. Thank you Amy and thank you God for putting YOU (and all the Sirens here) in my life at the perfect moment!

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 1:29pm
301: Amy says:

Oh, have a great time! Remember our talk and remember how precious you are. Laugh at your own jokes and enjoy your own company – as well as his!! Let us know how it goes.

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 1:32pm
302: la la land says:

hi ami, and welcome, its nice having married mothers here.
thanks for your post, you brought tears to my eyes.

my last episode here is related to when he opened up to share with me his pain and trauma from our ‘bad’ times [i used to go through his personal things] i couldn’t take it. i felt attacked when i wasnt, i felt like nothing i do is good enough, like if he could see my pain he wouldnt waste time on his. the sad true is that the way to hell is full of good intention, and even though i loved him we were both very miserable, you can imagine my surprised when the truth became known to me : it was i ! i brought it on us by my own behavior, i wasn’t to blame but i was ignorant. i see woman here that are much younger then me, who realized in a very early stage of their life that there is something they need to work on here, you did 250 books, i never read a single word on this subject in my life, till i was threaten with divorce.
true rory put me on the track in no time, but this is almost embarrassing in a way, i feel like i wasted my life in a way.
i dont know, in her cd Rory dosent allow us to go on that direction, i will take her advice as it is…

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 2:12pm
303: Amy says:

but now you know, la la land…now you know. That is what matters. And, further, you didn’t trust him. There was a whole cycle of bad going on. It wasn’t just you. It wasn’t just him. It wasn’t. So today, decide that you will let go of the past. What I read once is that “when you forgive you let go of any chance of a better yesterday.” That’s amusing, right? Yesterday is done. He was probably very hurt and insulted that you didn’t see his heart. You didn’t see the man that he wanted so desperately for you to see and adore in him. But did he truly show it to you? Did he offer you the man that he fancied himself to be? So many questions…you can analyze this forever. Let’s not waste any time on that, dear heart. How about instead you embrace him for all he is. Tell him how sorry you are for any day you missed seeing him for all his splendor and you want every day going forward to be a walk of love, respect, and adoration…each of you for yourself and each of you for the other. And just focus on tomorrow rather than yesterday…how about that? I try to talk myself into the same thing when I start feeling afraid that I’ll be hurt again…I have to let go of the hope for a better yesterday. Yesterday is done. I love me today. Love you today. How about it?

Thursday, 8 October 2009 @ 2:35pm
304: Melinda says:

Hi Rori and all the other great Ladies out there. I have really learned some valuable insight from all you wonderful gals on this blog. Rori you are brilliant in your wisdom and advice!!! I have taken some of all the insight I have gathered from you all and used it to my advantage. I recently heard from the father of the baby I am expecting and was very surprised to see that he is doing a complete 360 since using the feeling messages to really open up to him. I did not hold back and held my stance. I let him no how truly hurt I was at the way he has treaeted me not only as a human but also also the mother of his child. How lonely and scared I feel. I let him know that I love me and that the test drive was over. I explained to him that after 3 years I wish he had spent as much time getting to know my mind as he has my body. I also told him that I could not be a friend at his convenience and I forwarded a text message my mother sent that says this: YOUR WORTH: Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came from a mans rib, not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved. Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know…men too so they too know the value of a woman is….PRICELESS (-;
Would you believe he was begging just to see me, just to talk & hangout!!!! I told him I would not be just a friend that I am having his baby and I have plenty of friends that I was looking for romance and love and if he couldn’t handle that then I would move on. He has been a perfect gentleman since. Opening doors, rubbing my tummy, holding me and really trying to love me. I AM STILL IN TOTAL SHOCK!!!!! Today is his birthday and I spent most of last night just talking with him until the wee hours of the morning. He drove me home and hugged and kissed me bye and said he was so gald I came to visit. I needed to hear so much of what he said I understand he is scared and feels alot of the same anxieties as I do. Which is the reason for his distant behavior. I allowed myself to lean back and opened my heart and just listened to where he was coming from and I believe that maybe I pushed him away by closing down like so many of us do when we are afraid to just open our hearts and minds. It doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat. I can stand my ground and still feel what I feel and at the right moment let him know how I feel to draw the better man out. He seems to be getting excited about thenew baby now that his fears are settling… I will keep you posted and I have about 3 or 4 weeks before baby in pink arrives!!! MUAHHH!!!!

Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 6:12am
305: Amy says:

la la land,
I was thinking about you last night and I wanted to talk to you, if that is okay. I may imagine it, but I read so much guilt and regret in your words when I read your posts. And I think I’ve read posts where you’ve mentioned your age. You know, it sounds morbid, but really we are all dying at a rapid rate if you want to focus on age…what is 80 or 90 years really when you compare it to how long all of creation has existed? So I wish you’d think about the quality of life rather than the quantity of days left. Even if today is my last day, I want it to be filled with joy, purpose, and peace. So I hope you’ll seek that out for yourself and see that you are worth having that and so much more. I hope I don’t step on Rori’s toes by posting this, but I just couldn’t get you out of my mind last night and it feels like you are taking so much ownership for your husband’s terrible decisions. I don’t want to put words in your mouth, so let me use my life…mine chose to treat me horribly at times. He broke my heart with his actions and words. He refused to see me and my value. I do not own that. I own MY decisions. I own MY choices. I own MY actions. HOWEVER, all of my past errors are in the past. I am not designed to drag them around. Neither are you. I have laid them down. He can choose to forgive me my failures…or not. But he owns HIS responses to MY failures. He owns his decisions & his choices. I cannot own those. I am NOT responsible for his bad decisions. I ALSO am not responsible for the consequences, though they may affect me if I do not respond as I should. I would like to mention a book I read that changed my way of thinking and my life on this (as I used to beat myself about the head and shoulders for a lot of things that it turns out HE owns) & I hope it is okay to do so. I hope you’ll go to your local library and check it out… Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life). What I hope you’ll take from the book is what I’ve already said. You cannot own someone else’s responsibility. If a man cheats on you, that is HIS bad decision. You might have made bad decisions in how you chose to conduct yourself or what words you chose, but you cannot “make” someone make a bad decision. In all my husband did to hurt me, I never chose to cheat on him. There were nice men around that expressed interest, but I never considered it. I could blame him and say I was hurting so badly I needed a soft, gentle touch, but does that make it okay? Should he suffer that because I was hurting? And really, should I suffer that? It would hurt me too. My heart and soul is worth more. So…for what it is worth…that’s my opinion. And I’m okay if others disagree with me. But what I want to scream out is please drop all the guilt you are carrying. You are not designed to carry it. Free yourself from it and see that he made bad choices because he decided not to come to you and say, “Honey, when you rifle through my things it hurts me and makes me feel as though you don’t see the man that I am,” or “When you continue to bring up the same topic in the same way over and over, I do not feel loved and respected. I have already answered this or done what I feel is appropriate. I love you, but I won’t be bombarded with this over and over. I need you to accept my answer or decision.” Or even take you by the hand and suggest couple’s counseling. So many things he could have chosen that would not have broken your spirit…even if your actions were breaking his. I don’t think Rori is suggesting that we take blame for men’s bad behavior. I think she is teaching cause and effect and a chance to change what we didn’t know we affected. I honestly don’t think she is suggesting to any of us that we pick up blame and guilt for a man’s inexcusable behavior. Men are beautiful, wonderful creatures that are capable of resisting temptation and making the right decision even when they are frustrated with their current station in life. They really can. When they don’t, we often hear that we made them act that way or we bring out the worst in them. Really? That sounds like quite an excuse, right? Can a person “make” someone act a certain way? The first time my little girl chose to decorate her own walls with a marker, I almost fainted. I could have berated her for that work of art. I could have made her feel terrible. If I had done that, would she be to blame for making me act that way? I would say no. Because I didn’t act that way. She got to give me her markers for a day and help me fix the damage to the walls as a consequence for what she had done…so, apparently, I had a choice in how I responded. Do you see what I mean?

I’m sorry, All, for butting in again today. I just feel so much weight for la la land. I hope I’m totally wrong, la la land, and you feel no guilt at all. But if you do, let today be the last day you do. It’s not yours to bear.

Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 6:50am
306: la la land says:

thank you ami,

i will look for that book, sounds very useful, any other recommendations are welcome.

i think im giving here a good example to rori’s last post about trying to avoid grief and other hard feelings in the soup. i admit i resist. i hadnt come to peace with the way i went through the last 15 years. i will have to do so, in order to move on i guess.

thanks again.

Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 11:46am
307: la la land says:

ami – you know what? you are right
, i feel guilty, terribly guilty, i feel so guilty i wish i could do something.
if you have an idea on how i can undo this feeling i would love to hear it.

Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 12:08pm
308: Daria says:

La La Land – send love to your guilt.

Please look at the side bar at the Power and Self Esteem section and go through the posts doing each one from oldest to newest.

You will learn Riffing and how to love even the “dark” feelings. It changed me so much.

Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 5:34pm
309: la la land says:

thanks daria
it is helpful, very.

Saturday, 10 October 2009 @ 2:32am
310: Amanda says:

Hi Rori,

I recently found out that my best friend is pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy with her boyfriend of over 3 years, but they’re keeping the baby and are starting to get excited. This has stirred up a whole bunch of emotions in me, for her. I’m happy, scared, excited, sad, yet also hold a little bit of envy, even though I know I’m not ready to have a child yet.

Up until this point, my best friend and I had literally identical relationships with our boyfriends. It was nice having someone that could relate to my feelings of frustration over not being engaged yet after 3+ years of dating, and over 1 of living together. We could vent away, feel understood, and validated.

But now, I feel completely thrown for a loop. I’m trying not to dwell on it, but I’m feeling pretty down that it seems I can’t relate to any of my friends anymore. Literally every single one of them is either already married, engaged and planning a wedding, or having a baby.

Over the last couple months, I finally came to terms with not being engaged yet. Because I realized that I personally am in no shape financially to pay for a wedding anytime soon. I know people say it doesn’t matter, but I don’t want a quick ceremony at the courthouse. I want my family there. So yes, it will cost money.

Whenever I think about it logically and realistically, I know deep down, I’m not at a stage in my life where I could get engaged and plan a wedding yet.

But how do I deal with these feelings of envy and hopelessness when they come up? My boyfriend is not ready to get engaged yet, both financially and he feels too young. Most of the time I am fine, but when these feelings hit me, I feel really, really down. And its hard not to have those feelings affect my relationship. I really am happy with how far our relationship has come, I’m very much in love. But its still hard to shake these feelings when they come up.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Saturday, 10 October 2009 @ 9:25am
311: Amy says:

la la land,
I think the authors of that book I suggested will help you with the guilt. But it seems to me that guilt is something we impose on ourselves, so embracing the positive thoughts rather than the negative must be the power behind getting through this. You wouldn’t want your best friend hurting herself with self-destructive thoughts, so why would you allow yourself to hurt yourself with that kind of thought pattern. Accept that the past is the past. Focus on a bright and positive future. You hold all the power to make the future a great one. Do you want to waste all that could be wonderful up ahead on dwelling on a past that won’t change anyway? Start loving the new you and know that you are worth loving.

Saturday, 10 October 2009 @ 11:13am
312: sheila says:

Hi my brave ladies,
I don’t post here but i have posted here, my issue was about my man masturbating, thanks to Rorie telling me about another link to tinque,”she has been wonderfull with my dilema…”I was just wondering how Uschi was, I read all postings and she was posting quite a bit and now nothing so I was wondering how she was doing.

Saturday, 10 October 2009 @ 11:49am
313: la la land says:

hi ami
i am starting to hear reconnect again, she does mention there being exposed to guilt and fear once things start to earth in the anger department, i guess she knows what she is talking about..

Sunday, 11 October 2009 @ 1:35am
314: T.R. says:

Rori,

I am feeling some anxiety about where my relationship is at, or rather, where I wish it were heading. I have been using your tools and so far, things have been workign very well. My boyfriend has responded wonderfully to me leaning back, switching hats from masculine to feminine and using feeling messages. However, I am feeling like we are at a stand still and I am not at all comfortable with it. We have been together for almost a year and it is painfully obvious that he is scared to to commit. Or, perhaps scared is just a term he uses to hold me off. We have been together for almost 9 months and we still very rarely even spend the night at each other’s houses. We have just recently started hanging out with each other’s friends. He has told me that he loves me, but now is not saying it nearly as often. I am feeling anxious and I want to talk to him about it, but I am not sure that this is the right thing to do. I find my self telling my friends and family that I will never get married again (in the process of finally getting a divorce after a long separation). And I know this is just a defense mechanism because he is not trying to move us forward. I feel like talking to him, I feel like crying, I feel like ending it with him out of fear he will end it with me because he is not moving forward. Do you have any suggestions on how to get past this place? I don’t want to break up with him, I do see a future with him. Then I have feelings of writing off all men. I know my head is swimming and I need to get out of it……Please share your thoughts on this.

Sunday, 11 October 2009 @ 11:44pm
315: Flipper says:

T.R. – The great thing about Rori’s approach is that you don’t have to choose between putting up with what you don’t want to ‘keep him’ OR breaking up, both of which make us feel bad. Look around on the blog for the ‘no girlfriend speech’ posts that will help you get back to yourself and feel powerful. Then read about and start practice circular-dating (= practical therapy for not feeling anxiety). Even if you don’t ‘feel’ like it, and feel scared or angry. That’s how to open the door for new feel-good opportunities for yourself AND keep it open for him.

What helps me get away from those invasive, spinning-wheel thoughts in my head, is I try to remember to ask myself what I’m feeling in my body – works best for me if I say a particular part, and if nothing comes up for that, then name another until I find something somewhere. At first it was thin pickings, but still easier than trying to find words in the whole emotional floodplain. I start to feel a little better and often get distracted enough to go do something else and not right back to obsessing with what he (might) be thinking (his business, not mine), what I (should) have said (my business is reminding me what I don’t want and WANT and that I Can have it all).

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 2:41am
316: Amy says:

Rori,
Yesterday, my husband got angry with over a task that I was unable to do “correctly.” He spoke to me as though I were a child that was behaving unacceptably. He withdrew and attempted to ignore me…or go to his “cave,” as you say. I confronted him after an hour or so of silent treatment & avoidance. I asked why he would become so angry with me over such a thing as that. He said, “B/c you didn’t even try. It’s not that hard.” I told him that I certainly did try, but it seems to me he is unable to leave his world and think of things in another’s point of view and see that perhaps they are unable to do the things he can (strength wise) or, on other topics, perhaps they have a different perspective than he. I told him that a family will not be willing to follow a leader that speaks down to them as he done to me and I was worth more. I told him I was disappointed that he did not see that. I told him that I was not willing to be ignored all day…or week…however this round would turn out. I told him I would not be home for the rest of the day since he was choosing to act that way toward me. I took the kids and we went to the movies and to shop (we always stay home on Sunday afternoons, so this was out of the norm). When I returned, he chose to speak again, and he was relatively kind. However, he withheld all affection and there was still a distance this morning. Did I do the right thing, do you think? Would you have advice on how I should have handled it differently?
Thank you.

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 6:07am
317: Amy says:

Rori,
Nevermind. I just received your relationship tool of the week, “Instantly stop his negativity this way.” I think I made an error in talking. I guess I should have just nodded as he told me that I did not “try.” Although I disagreed, that was his perspective. I was still hung up on what had happened an hour before…how he talked down to me and made me feel so small. I was not in the moment and I was wanting to let him know that was unacceptable. I think I messed this whole thing up, and I need some time to reflect on what your “relationship tool” note said.

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 7:20am
318: Simply Shannon says:

Amy: I just got that Nod Your Head tool email too. I wouldn’t have nodded my head at him if he was belittling me. I would have said something similar to what you said but maybe left out anything accusing him or making him wrong. “I feel belittled. I did try. I don’t want to feel bad for something because I didn’t do it the way you would have done it.” Or “I feel angry”. Then pause and let him speak. (The hardest part for me would be pausing and letting him speak before I say anything else.)

As to the silent treatment, I would have done the same thing (and I think you handled it brilliantly by leaving and doing something fun). Leaning back, doing other stuff, etc. sounds like a good plan. If he came back around, I’d probably say the same things above “I felt belittled and I don’t want to feel that way”. Or “I feel angry and turned off”. Whatever feels real to you in that moment. No stuffing your emotions or giving him the signal that it’s okay to speak to you that way. Lean back and let him come to you first.

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 7:47am
319: Amy says:

Thank you very much, Simply Shannon. I’ve written your response in my journal. That sounds silly. But these problems I’m posting here are things that I tend to be physically ill over. I’m trying to truly train myself to handle them in ways that are most healthy for me as well as the relationship and family. Your advice is very appreciated and I think you are right on.
Thanks again!

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 8:15am
320: la la land says:

hi ami
i agree, you did great by walking away to the movies, [next time leave the kids as well]

its hard to gain respect when we dont respect ourselves, isnt that our problem here? i mean someone can choose to ofend us but it doesnt mean we must be ofended [what i keep telling my kids, its time i start listening to what i preach them]

in my case, I realized that when I fail to do certain things I evoke a kind of insecurity in my partner, like in the modern siren program: how can he crash his boat safely on my rock if i cant take proper care of my island / health / feelings / dentist / hair / career etc…

i know this sounds easy but for me keeping the basic 4 rules is still the hardest, like yesterday he called [i manage to stop calling almost completely] suddenly i heard myself discussing who and what in his world in a most leaning forward way , i was so amazed, it just happened, [i was totally non present] then conversation ended with me trying to say one more thing – just terrible, all report not one feeling massage with some ‘you’ for dessert ,

im just saying this to bring us back to the essential tool for hope here : ‘Baby steps’!

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 10:03am
321: la la land says:

ye, and maybe you should have nodded, [just read it] i guess that describe a self confidences behavior, we awesome woman intent t have in the near future…

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 11:53am
322: Amy says:

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I’ve always struggled to love myself and to insist that I be treated well. Rori’s tools are helping me turn things around in a way that I am being treated much better with having to cry out, “Love me!” It’s just these things like this “stonewalling” he does and talking down to me…there is so much pain there for me it’s so easy to get angry and want to fight him now that I’m feeling strong enough to do so. It helps to have a support group here to keep me on track. Maybe I’ll handle next time better.

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 12:24pm
323: Amy says:

I meant to say without having to cry out “Love me!”

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 12:26pm
324: Uschi says:

I posted this on teh wrong page LOL must be the blond stuff from the bottle

Rori,
question: When he gets back – how should I be? I feel going to him and greeting him and letting him know that I am happy he is back is leaning forward also I am not sure if that other woman was there or not. Actually I don’t care in a way cause I feel I will again have more time here with him at home and now knowing your tools I can most likely outgirl and outgodess her even though she is about 20 years younger that I am unless you is reading your blog too or has your tools. Also my intuition tells me that he is starting to lean away from her. When he left he kissed me (mouth) just a peck but a heck of a lot more than for a long time and also waved with his coffee mug from the van – probably spilling his coffee LOL.
At the same time I am finding myself angry because I was not included in this trip or the last one to FL. I am finding that I feel humiliated because all his friends know I am here at home and that he has (had) that other woman. So I was thinking that when the situation arises I am going to tell him that I feel angry and humiliated and that I don’t want to be shut out any longer without mentioning this woman at all. However, I don’t want to do that the moment he gets home. I do after all look forward to him returning and I feel that maybe both of us have gotten some distance to the negativity that was here before. So in a way it may be a fresh start for me knowing your tools better now.
Before you and the lesson on over-functioning I would have tried to have a nice dinner ready or something else nice. Not gonna do that.
He always says that he is re-entering the world when he comes home from the boat, he is not very happy here for whatever reason (work day to day us etc or maybe reflecting also on his past and what he lost when he comes here – former job that paid a lot more and other things – maybe this place is a reminder on what he lost or his failures and what he could have had) so in a way I feel something needs to be different. And I would like it to be so without me doing to makie it different. Not sure if you understand where I am coming from. It’s a bit difficult to make changes in the environment here without doing.
I am looking forward to the moment he gets home, knowing that the first thing he will do is throw his laundry into the washer and empty the van.
Should I just stay upstairs and wait for him to get his butt up to me, should I go downstairs and greet him, or just stay in my room being feminine awaiting his masculinity to come to me? If I stay in my room I think he’ll just come and say “I am back” and if that happens then go to him and say “Glad your are back” or just totally not do anything and let him come back wondering why I am not following him even though after the initial “I am home” he’ll most likely walk away doing whatever.

Please give me some advice here cause I am at a loss on how it should be when he gets back.

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 2:59pm
325: la la land says:

hi uschi
here is a little something i have been testing lately, and it seems to be working nicely:

when he returns – im not home.

i avoid all the scene, by doing something nice for me or with the kids, at the time he is planed to arrive – as if saying, i have a life too, i dont sit around all day waiting for you to show up..

i love getting this lost child face of his on my return

Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 5:58am
326: Uschi says:

la la land,
I was thinking about that one too, however his return is not bound to a certain day or time and I don’t know when that is. Also wireless will be rather spotty so not a sure thing he can even e-mail. He is a dinosaur and refuses to have a cell phone. The only contact number there is, is that of the other woman. And even though she is very involved in these projects and my intuition tells me the whole thing with her will end, I don’t feel like using her number to contact him. I am liable to give her a piece of my mind and call her every name in the book and letting my anger out on her and I believe that would be counter productive in what I am trying to accomplish here.
I was even thinking of parking the car on the other street and go out the back door when he drives into the driveway, but that too feels kind of childish, and manipulative to me, and reminds me of women who will pretend to be sick just to get attention, it’s not authentic.
So I have 3 choices, go to him and greet him, be upstairs busy with something, which most like is not going to be the case cause he will be coming in either very late or very early, or just be in my room doing MY OWN THING and when he comes, just lean back, make eye contact and smile.
I have thought about it some more since I posted above and feel that even telling him that I missed him, (which I did) would be leaning too forward and would imply to him that I was thinking about him a lot.
As you probably read in my first post and other previous post I am in a rather unique situation (as are many of us). I have used Rori’s tools before he left and have had some small progress just by leaning way back and I have used the the time since he’s been away to really get more familiar with Rori’s tools. I am more relaxed now; for one thing because of the small progress I have seen so far and he was stepping up to the plate, for another because I have had the luxury of some time, while he was away, to wrap my mind around them, reminisce about past incidents and how I acted and reacted, and just by that seen where I was not feminine, leaning forward etc. throwing my pearls before the swine (Rori’s mantra) and drove him away from me. Meaning I am more aware of what I did and how I reacted and how to change it.
I know that when he comes back I’ll have had some distance from all that and so will he. However, implementing Rori’s tools will still be somewhat “staged” and feel strange because I have had no actual real time opportunity to implement them besides leaning way back before he left. Those few dates I went on really did not do much for me cause the men were kind of blah to begin with and even though I implemented the tools, it wasn’t enough yet to make me feel totally comfortable with the new me.
With all that said, I feel that his return is for me a new beginning – I am making it so because that is WHAT I WANT. I WANT him to know, feel, sense, smell, hear, and see that there is a new me and I want him to come to me and show me what kind of man he can be (and I know he is) by stepping up to the plate. That new beginning needs to be done right and that’s why I am asking for some input on how.
Thanks girls
Uschi

Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 11:04am
327: Rori Raye says:

T.R. – this is a job for Circular Dating. You have no commitment…no matter HOW LONG you’ve been dating him…and yet you’re bound to him in every way. Talk with him about this. Tell him you don’t want to put pressure on the relationship, and you know you’ve been together long enough that stuff like marriage is going to come up…and should you be dating other men to take the pressure off…because it feels good to be with him, and you don’t want a boyfriend, you want the life-long thing…and you don’t want to wreck things by pressuring the relationship…and you’re starting to feel that happen now…” (Your version of this, of course…)

Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 8:27pm
328: T.R. says:

Thank you Flipper. Circular dating has been helpful in the past, and I feel I need to date myself more right now. There is definately a connection between feeling confident and circular dating and not feeling confident and not circular dating. I will try the method of what I feel in my body. We had the talk last night about what “moving forward” looks like to both of us. In some ways it is the same and in others it isn’t. I told him that that dating someone who is not trying to move things forward at this point is new and uncomfortable. Looking back, that may have come off as needy. And, to be truthful, for the first time in our relationship I am feeling needy. This is what I want to stop. Sometimes I feel like I am losing touch with myself. I want to feel like he wants to move forward. He sais he does, but his actions, in my opinion are not showing it.
Feeling confused….

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 12:29am
329: Flipper says:

There’s a difference between feeling ‘needy’ and feeling insatisfied with a situation that is, well, unsatisfactory to me. So let’s not be too quick to judge ourselves ‘needy’ when in fact we’re becoming blessedly conscious that our needs are not being met.

In either case, I feel fear, sadness, confusion, anger (for me, usually stuffed and super inaccessible, but I’m working on feeling and outing that), but neediness would push me to try to ‘get’ Him to fix things. If I express my needs in Rori’s way, plainly, without putting pressure on him to fill them, although I may still feel vulnerable, I also feel brave and empowered.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 3:26am
330: la la land says:

hi uschi,,
never meant in a childish manipulative way, just in a real ‘doing your own things’ way.
the response i got was :” i like it so much that you are busy, you free me when you free yourself, it gives me hope about our future together”
so…

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 11:15am
331: Uschi says:

Flipper,
I think you are right – there is a difference between being needy and having our needs met. I am not sure if I am expressing this the right way either. I feel being needy in a negative way is telling another person to take care of you by doing things to make you happy when in fact we are to make ourselves happy. Also there are still many women out there who look upon a man purely as a provider and in return do the sex thing and are only providing for themselves until they are married. I find that needy too.
However, having your needs met in a relationship to me means being together in a union, loving, respecting and supporting each other. It not just us women who need to have out needs met, men have needs too. By us being a woman and using Rori’s tools gives the man the opportunity to have his needs met simply by being given the chance to be a man and being able to do the things a man is meant to do – meeting our needs. It’s like a giving and taking in a healthy way. I believe this is what Rori means by the exchange of female and male energy. Rori – please correct me if I am wrong.
For us (women) to have our needs met we need to EXPRESS those needs with I feel, I want, I don’t want and then leave it up to the man to do the right ting. Men will see us as needy – I believe – if we tell them things like You are not doing enough in the house, You are not helping me with the laundry, You need to do this for me, You have to do this because I want You to do this – that’s being needy in a negative way and even worse it’s nagging and I also believe that it sends a message of accusation to him. And I have to say I am as guilty of it as many women are. Or I should say WAS cause since I’ve come across Rori’s tools much has changed.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 5:37pm
332: Uschi says:

La la land
I know how you meant it – sometimes I am expressing myself not in way for it to come out right LOL

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 5:43pm
333: Uschi says:

Well, this did not go at all the way I thought it would or how I imagined it.
He came home this morning around 9 AM and I had just gotten out of bed and was walking out of the hallway when he stood by the backdoor and scared the sh** out of me. Here I was in my morning robe, hair a mess, pillow prints still on my cheek, and I screamed when I saw him standing there cause he had his back to me and I totally did not expect him at all not till Monday at least. The first words out of my mouth were “Damned you scared the hell out of me”
Rori, —– why can’t you be a fly on the wall, or a mouse under my fridge and whisper me what to do in a situation like that? Well, in a way you were but this was so totally unexpected that I was just not ready for that. I didn’t know what else to do so I went to the bathroom to calm myself and get my wits about me. When I came back out he was outside with the dog playing with her cause she was all over him (and didn’t even bark to warn me that he drove up which she normally does) so I started a pot of coffee which I needed badly to wake up. He later on asked me if there were any “disasters” while I was away and aside from having the plumbing backing up which cost me most of the car-insurance money and he pulled out his checkbook to pay for it. Other than him asking me for help with his laptop it was like every other day – SOS. It seems he has to get used being here again and he is maybe leaving again to do something else for a few days that he’s been asked about.
So I did not really get to make that new start in the way I wanted and yet in a way I have cause I made one within myself in a way and I hope that’s going to be working.
I just feel bad that he had to catch me right after I got up and looking like it too but there is nothing I can do about it so I am putting it out of my mind. I just hope I can do damage control on that.

Thursday, 15 October 2009 @ 7:35pm
334: Jo says:

Aww bless ya Uschi.

I had the same thing happen to me. Nothing worse than being caught off guard when your not looking your usual glam, diva self ). If it makes you feel any better i don’t think men notice too much.

I was caught out looking like Zelda one morning. I had found out my partner ( not living with me at present) had gone out with friends after telling me he was staying in for the night. I have no problem with him going out with mates i just will not tolerate being lied to. He text me late in the evening to apologise and i just sent back “you are free to do as you please, call me in a few weeks to get the rest of your stuff”

I woke up in the morning with him at the foot of my bed with a bunch of flowers looking like a lost dog. Same as you, my hair sticking up, no make up, and weird PJ’s on…. Not the “look at this Diva you just let slip through the net’ look i was going for. I stumbled into the bathroom and chucked on some foundation and flattened my hair.

His reply when i re-appeared was “why have you got that crap on your face, you look better with out” *faints* )

So if it makes you feel better I don’t think he would think anything of it.

Now ofcourse with Rori’s help, my attitude would be different. Ofcourse i am going to go to bed with no make up on and i am going to wake up with hair all over the place. Like it or lump it, it’s who i am. It’s not like the movies where the women wakes up with immaculate hair, lightly glossed lips and looking like she just fell of the cover of vogue.

With that in mind it is far less exhausting to just be yourself. If a guy is really into you i think your sticking up hair in the morning and bleary eyed look should be endearing. I have ofcourse told him that he isn’t to just appear at my house and is to call first. If i don’t answer my phone then that still doesn’t mean he can just come over as and when he feels like it.

I am not living with him anymore as he is so wrapped up in himself and is unable to commit to me properly. So I have decided not to be a friend with benefits, my time is valuable ( he has had a lot of it) and i want more from a guy that is soooo flaky he should come with a yellow wrapper.

xx

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 3:08am
335: tinque says:

“If a guy is really into you i think your sticking up hair in the morning and bleary eyed look should be endearing.”

Believe me this is true. They actually prefer it.
xxoo

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 6:58am
336: Uschi says:

Jo,
it’s not only the way I looked but also with him coming home so much earlier I did not get all the things done and when I am sorting for donation (getting rid of a lot of stuff I really don’t need but kept holding on to – he doesn’t like stuff and he doesn’t like a disorganized mess) I take thing in the dining room on the large table and lay them out. I had planed to get the house at least half way decent and didn’t even get a quarter of it done.
Though I feel his griping about that is a surface thing and he isn’t in touch with what he really wants. That’s his problem, yet it my mess and his griping about it, is not good for our relationship it’s like a stumbling stone.
I feel Rori’s tools are going to benefit me in a large way and then in turn our relationship. Yet there are still those everyday things that are a pita (pita = pain in the a**) and I need to figure out how to use the tools for that too. A huge problem is that upon retiring he wants to live on the boat, but I want a house and more importantly a house that is a home. What we have at the moment is the apartment so to speak in the house where his job is. We live upstairs and he works downstairs. I have been trying to get my own business started doing wedding flowers and collecting materials for that, then I like to knit with my knitting machine and have lots of wool and my other hobby is photography also many items. Then the stuff in the house from the owner, his diving stuff, office stuff and stuff my daughter has here for the moment and stuff that his friend has here while he has a job in Saudi. It’s a bit overwhelming for the both of us.
I am only taking care of my stuff now that’s all and that is a lot. He wants to shuck it all and live on the boat – I don’t want to live on the boat and I have never come right out and said it either and learning Rori’s tool I realize I have to say what I don’t want. That’s gonna be a tough one. I have no problem with his hobby and his interests and I am willing to go out with him doing scanning and all that but we have a life here too and I think over the past few month he has realized he just cant shut everything down. I believe he might also just be panicking because of his age and all the things he didn’t get to do and where he wasn’t fulfilled.
I don’t really know – all I know is that he is a damn good man and worthy he has proven that in the past many times over. I can’t get into it all right now but I do know he is worth it as much as I am – I just never had the tools before to let him know that I am just as worth it and he will be finding that out.

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 7:16am
337: Jo says:

Bottom line is Uschi that it was him that came home early without telling you. You don’t have a crystal bliddy ball so how were you to know. I think you are getting yourself into a panic about not having things done for his return. He will sense your eagerness to please’ and before you know it you will be jumping through hoops.

The guy i was with i did everything to try and please him. After reading Rori’s info i realised how destructive this was. I can remember doing an 9 hour day at work then getting of the bus to run down the hill to get in and cook his dinner on time…………………. Oh my god was that really me.

I totally drained myself trying to please this man and nearly had a breakdown. I was trying to be little miss perfect. I look back at that time and i am angry that he allowed me to run around after him. Never again will i get myself into a situation like that.

If you don’t want to live on a Boat then speak up. What you wrote sounds perfect to me
I have no problem with his hobby and his interests and I am willing to go out with him doing scanning and all that but we have a life here too and I think over the past few month he has realized he just cant shut everything down

I think guys find women more alluring and attractive that do speak up, have their own opinions and have a life they enjoy. He should compliment your life you shouldn’t have to give up your life in order to be with him. Im sure he is a nice chap but don’t lose who are, in order to try and please him.

luv n hugs
jo

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 7:54am
338: Uschi says:

Jo
you are absolutely correct in not pleasing him and getting things done for him. However, I also need to get them done for ME. I have always been a pack rat and disorganized. I need to get the stuff sorted out I need to get some order going or I am not going to be happy. In 8 years a lot of stuff accumulates and I need to get rid of at least the stuff I know I have not used in many years and I need to get over that ingrained thing of saving stuff because it could come in handy again. It is a left over from my mother who did it cause of WWII no one in Germany had anything and they were scrambling to get things that were needed and they saved them when they finally had them and they kept saving them just in case. Shortly after WWII there was Korea and everyone though another WW and they started saving and buying cause they never wanted to be in a position of not having again. And mostly it was because of having been hungry and cold no food and no fuel for heating. I could tell you stories from my family that are unreal and what they had to do to get some food and some fuel in those bitter bitter cold winters in the 40′s. I know how that feels because so many times in my life I had to do without, and trust me when on well fare (well fare is a joke btw) which I was when my kids were little after my first divorce and in my second – he spent all the money on booze – you do with so much without it isn’t funny.
Maybe it is a trust issue on my part, baggage of not being provided for when I needed it, expected it and had a right to do so, as wife with children, that I save everything. (and that just kind of came into my mind about the trust). It may also have to do with the fact that 3 times in my life I lost everything.
As you can see there are two battles going on, the battle for me to get things straightened out and shuck some old habits, the battle for me to use Rori’s tools and get my relationship back on track and it all kind of intermingles and gets mixed up. I also have to get over the past in this relationship and the mistakes I made by not knowing Rori’s tools. I have found Rori’s grounding tool to be a lot of help as far as I have been able to put it to use, but I am still learning it I just started with it.

Basically him coming home early isn’t really the issue aside from the fact that I just got our of bed and looked a mess, the issue for me is that I didn’t get more done for myself during that time, I had my goals set higher and at times I just gave into not wanting to do it because I’d rather do something else. Also some dates that I went on took time away from that during which I could have done a lot. Lets face it most men do not like living in a mess and since I do not have a job at the moment taking proper care of the house is my job because I chose it to be. When I was working he helped with the regular stuff like dishes and laundry and taking out the garbage and all those things. However, MY stuff got just chucked into my room and I didn’t take the time to keep it organized. I used my energy on other things that I liked doing better. Once I get it all done I need to discipline myself to keep it nice. I also need to discipline myself to use Rorie’s tool and not fall into old relationship destructive habits.

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 10:59am
339: Uschi says:

Jo,
darn I can really ramble on and I am glad I can write things down on this blog the way I do and the way it comes into my mind and work things out. It is really helpful. I forgot to address your other part of your post.

I now read all the time that men like women who speak up for themselves and since reading Rori’s e-book I now have a way to do it with the I DON’T WANT and I FEEL messages which or course I have not had before. I went about expressing what I wanted in the wrong way by demanding it of him or nagging (including precious relationships) I just hope I can undo the damage from the past 8 years that we have been together and turn it around.

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 11:15am
340: Uschi says:

not precious but previous relationships – should do better proof reading LOL – one letter can really screw it all up geeeeesh

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 11:25am
341: ginger says:

hi rori,
i really like this guy and we have hung out a couple times but he is really depressed over his last break up which was like 2 months ago and says he hates himself. how do i get him to focus on me?

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 1:37pm
342: Rori Raye says:

Hi, Ginger, Welcome…and I’m just going to be very direct with you here…you sound very young, like high school…am I correct? If you are at all interested in a man who is depressed over his last break up, the only place to look is at your sef-esteem – which absolutely HAS to be very, very low for you to even CONSIDER spending time with a man to whom you come in a poor SECOND to his ex. Can you see this more clearly now from the outside? The very fact that you are interested in him (he can tell) when he KNOWS he’s not in a good place makes you seem desperate and needy, and completely eliminates the attraction. The only way to get a man out of someone else and into you is to be fabulous WITHOUT him. Please work with Circular Dating and all the Power Tools here, and I look forward to helping you get stronger and clearer. Love, Rori

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 10:06pm
343: ginger says:

im actually 20 years old but, it turns out after i sent you this email he called me last night wanting to hang out. i went over to him and i made it very clear to him that im not here to fix you and im not here to be a shoulder to cry on. that my feelings for him are true. i guess im not too sure on what im doing, but i do know that after my last boyfriend, im not gonna let myself be used again for a guys personal gain. i do love myself.

Saturday, 17 October 2009 @ 10:41am
344: Uschi says:

Well, he went off for the weekend Friday night and said he’d be home today in the evening. I will see what happens. It seems he’d rather spend his time on the boat or on the housebboat and I am wondering what I can do or say to keep him more here at home of make it less stressful for him here. I know that would falal into hte category overfunctioning, but to some extend I feel I should make it comfortable my man to come home or that he feels more comfortable when he is here. What can I do about that in the right way without overfunctioning or leaning forward?
Any ideas or suggestions?

Sunday, 18 October 2009 @ 4:34pm
345: Daria says:

Uschi – I would of course lean back… most likeley he will feel more comfortable when you are focusing on YOU of course…

thinking about him is HIS business!!

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 4:13am
346: Jo says:

Hiya Uschi

I am very much into Feng Shui, I am not a nut about it but there a certain principles i try to apply. Believe me I do have my ‘ I really cant be arsed to clean/declutter today after a long working week I am going to lay in bed with my cat and eat chocolate biscuits’ moments. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

Found some basic info for you.

Feng Shui and Clutter – an Essential Tip to Know

An Essential Feng Shui Tip

“Get Rid of Clutter” – Almost every good Feng Shui class or seminar would say it so. Ever wonder why? That’s because it’s the truth. The basic premise of Feng Shui is that your life experience, even the extent of your luck – is influenced by your surroundings. At the same time, the state of your home or workspace is a reflection of your mood and attitude. With clutter, most people cannot think clearly as they always looking for things among the mess. Imagine being feeling happy and good when your minds are always on finding things among the stacks of mess at home or in your office. You may heard about “Chi” (the flow of energy) and Feng Shui. Clutters basically affect the Chi, and thus your luck. Clutter creates bad Chi flow because it prevents good Chi from flowing within your environments.
Clear the clutter and you clear the space for good Chi to flow, which is much better than placement of any Feng Shui ornaments, to kick-start the good Feng Shui in your environment.

Have a read of this too, very useful indeed.

IF YOU DON’T LOVE IT, SHOVE IT (The Feng Shui By Fishgirl Challenge)

Only my opinion but i think before you start focusing on your relationship you should take some time out to focus on YOU. I think Rori’s tools will help you to do that. Her tools reminded me that my life is important and that i am not here just to look out for everyone else…. I matter. When others see how much i value myself then they start valuing me too. As a very busy person my time is precious and I don’t want to waste it on someone who doesn’t realise that.

Just read this Uschi
Well, he went off for the weekend Friday night and said he’d be home today in the evening. I will see what happens. It seems he’d rather spend his time on the boat or on the houseboat and I am wondering what I can do or say to keep him more here at home of make it less stressful for him here.

To be honest i don’t think it you should be busting a gut to work out what you can do at home for him to spend more time with you there. If he values you then he should be happy to be with you wherever you are. In a tent, mansion or on the bliddy moon. Probably not easy for you but i would suggest you say to him.

” I have a lot of things i need to get sorted at the moment, and i need to spend time focusing on me. I can see you enjoy spending time on your boat, so enjoy. Also I need a break from worrying and declutter this weekend so I am going out with the girls/friends for a much needed night out. Give me a ring on Monday. Have a great weekend”

And do just that. Go out, be you and have some fun and don’t worry what he is doing.

I do understand that it is nice to have a hme that is clean, comfy and cosy but that shouldn’t be the inticement that makes your man want to spend time with you. Otherwise he may as well go and date someone who works at IKEA…….

luv n hugs Jo xxx

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 4:26am
347: la la land says:

Dear Uschi ,

make your house comfortable for you, make it that you like it,
[ex: i seem to like flowers more then i used to have, the truth is that i was encouraged by the modern siren program and the word 'outgirl' to follow this direction, it makes another baby step in the 'loving myself so he can love me' direction, which seems to work nicely]

also i took rory’s tip and i fill my diary with cultural events from the area, every time i leave home for work or self dating i feel i get 2 points. this works on several levels:
1- I get to invest time and energy in things i like, in getting to know new people, in getting dressed looking good etc, and – it also seems to bring me work, but thats another story

2- he gets to spend time at home without me – this is very relaxing for him

3 – I get to be missed, suddenly he calls: when will you come home? – this feels very nice

another tip: dont cook for him , just get the grocery’s, and let him take care of himself [his used to it, right?], this can undo allot of the stress, when you feel things had change dramatically for you, you can cook again, but not all the time

good luck

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 10:09am
348: Uschi says:

Jo,

I had to laugh about dating someone working at IKEA that was a good one – I love it. Maybe I’ll use that at some time in the future. We been living together for over 8 years and that has always been an issue for him that I have so much stuff. He would be perfectly happy to live on the boat with just some clothes and a few books (all about boating, diving and military history etc) he is a minimalist.

I have heard of Feng Shui and Chi before but never really understood it. Read about how to place things, like in the bedroom the bed should not be under a window or on a wall that separates the bathroom. When putting something up in the bedroom it should be in twos to represent each one of you – things like that.

His weekends have always been on the boat for as long as I have known him. We spent a really nice week out in the bay on the boat when we first got engaged and I have been asking him to do it again. Since I started working on Saturdays it kind of became a thing for me not to go to the boat on the weekends and that is fine with me most times cause it does get boring sometimes when he is just running lanes to scan.
I have asked him in the past for another week on the boat – just for us to spend some time together ALONE and basically his whole year is planed out for his “work” with the boat and finding wrecks. He did get 2 grants from the state so far to do those jobs and it makes him immensely happy. I have taken the time when I was alone, what I call being a boat-widow, and done the things that I wanted to do and enjoy. I mean a couple does not have to pursue the same interests to be happy. However, I feel a couple needs to also take time for each other and spend time alone to recharge their love. That is the thing he has not been doing. I also feel that you are correct that the way the house look does not matter that much (though is should be nice and will use and try Feng Shui) and I believe there are other reasons that he has not been able to figure out.

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 10:57am
349: la la land says:

uschi and jo –
cluttering brings to mind the famous ‘flylady’
i took from her that basic idea that to keep a house clean we need 3 different kinds of actions: daily, weekly and monthly.
this works very well, as i keep a list to check the weekly and monthly assignments [the daily ones i know ]
this made a huge change in reducing my stress and overwhelmed reaction to the amount of clutter our life produces

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 11:50am
350: Uschi says:

la la land

love the tip on cooking however I only cook once or twice a week as it is – we kind of graze and eat when we are hungry – we have no set rules for dinner time or lunch etc and it has worked out well for us. Your tip also reminds me of a tip my second mother in law gave me when I had to go on an extended trip to Germany 21 years ago. I was worried about my then fiance and she said – he’ll be ok. After I came back the next day he asked me – whats for dinner – and I said what would you do if I still wasn’t here – he made a face went to the kitchen and took care of his hunger. I have always done so with my current and will continue to do so. He then appreciates when I do cook so much more (without patting myself on the back I am a pretty good cook especially the German stuff x’ept for Brussels sprouts lol and his 2 X’s couldn’t cook at all, neither could his mom) So that is not something that would make any changes in the current status cause it has always been that way. So, to make a difference I would have to go the other way and that would be over-functioning and leaning forward. I have made other changes though, where I always offered my help with almost anything and I have stopped doing that. If he wants help he is gonna have to ask for it and if he hasn’t stepped up to the plate to give me what I want on however small a scale to start with (for him I thinks those are baby steps too as much as for me at least in some way) he isn’t going to get it.
Tonight he is leaving for another week till Sunday, getting his boat and doing scanning in Ocean City and then bringing the boat back into home port. I’ll be a boat-widow again for that time. Thing is how can I get him to take me out on the boat or spend more time with me after he gets back. Not sure how to put that into feeling messages that actually make him sit up and take notice. He has responded rather well to some of the first steps I have taken with leaning back and feeling messages, however I would like to see a little something more on a bigger scale from his side.

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 1:41pm
351: Chrissy says:

Hi Rori
I am so hoping you can help me because I feel so confused and angry. Last night my partner of 2 years (we are moving in together next week) confessed some pretty heavy things to me re his past behaviour / habits (not cheating/infidelity). This behaviour was occurring while we were together and in fact has only ceased entirely six months ago. I now feel so conflicted – I feel angry because he was lying to me for the first year of our relationship but I feel grateful that he told me. I feel upset and almost betrayed. I woke up this morning so angry with him that I wanted to punch his lights out! But the behaviour is not occurring now (and except for the lying part did not actually do me any harm). So why do I feel like this? Should I be punishing him for past behaviour? Am I being a total fool?

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 5:52pm
352: tinque says:

having things kept from you feels like betrayal. so anger is a reasonable response, but there is much you are not saying here.
did he keep it from you because he feared you would reject him, think differently of him?
did he keep it from you because he’s ashamed, embarrassed?
why now?
if it’s something like drugs or alcohol, these are things to be wary of as in red flags.
if it’s something truly harmless, it depends.
is he really not engaging in this habit/behavior anymore?
if yes how do your really know?
If no how do you really know?
xxoo

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 6:15pm
353: Chrissy says:

Hi Tinque
Thank you for your comment. No, he is definitely not engaging in this anymore. Of that I am certain. He kept the true extent of the behaviour from me but I was aware of its possible existence if that makes sense. I am unsure as to why he confessed now but it was part of a conversation regarding our living together so whether he wanted a clean slate to start with? And yes, I think he may have kept it from me out of a combination of fear I would leave him and because he is a man who believes in dealing with problems himself, not relying on others (if that makes sense?)
I am mainly wondering (and I have no idea how to use feeling messages here) as to whether I have the “right” to be angry or punishing over something past? Whether I am justified in feeling so angry / upset? xx

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 6:33pm
354: tinque says:

How about it feels bad having had things kept from me.
Punishing is never productive. If you feel angry, say so. This doesn’t mean you have to act angry too. It can be stated calmly as in I feel angry about it. I feel concern there may be something else (if you do feel this)
xxoo

Monday, 19 October 2009 @ 6:38pm
355: Jo says:

I think Chrissy it is good that he has been honest before moving in with you as it is obviously playing on his mind. Maybe he does want a clean slate. I do think you need to make it very clear ( boundaries) that from this moment on, if he wants to be with you then you will not be lied to and you will not have things hidden from you ever again. Now is the time for anything else he feels he needs to tell you, to do so. I have found things out that really upset me but in order for it not to do my head in and steal my energy i had to move on and let it go…. but never will i tolerate i hidden truth again.

Uschi I think you should try to back off a bit from trying to get him to do things with you, it will drain you and make you feel more frustrated. The chap I was living with (half year separated at present) I spent far to much time trying to organise things with him. I would ask him “are you coming out tomorrow evening, do you fancy doing our own thing and going for a meal, shall we go and have a weekend away” I even suggested going to watch his favourite footie team. Most of the time it was clear he wasn’t interested in making an effort. He would be far happier chilling indoors with me, watching a DVD. This is nice but after many, many months of this being his only effort to spend time with me I decided enough. I got fed up with his lethargic attitude when it came to socialising with me and whenever his fair weather friends would call to arrange something he was up for it, organised and miraculously found enough money to go and enjoy.

I don’t expect roses, diamonds and exotic holidays from him but i would like to do more than sit watching a DVD that i am not really interested in, ferrying around making cups of tea like Doris from On The Buses. There are other issues that i wasn’t happy with. The main one, is his belief that it is acceptable to tell lies. The boundaries i have in place now are ‘lie to me then we are done, hide things from me then we are finished” I cannot accept lies as they are so destructive to any relationship. He now knows I am not scared to walk away.

Reading about circular dating I was very hesitant to try this. I did and it it had a very positive outcome. Number one it reminded me that I am a sexy, sassy lady who guys really enjoy the company off, number 2 my chap picked up on my self esteem increase and wanted to be around me more, Number three I was to busy to keep suggesting things we do together like some frustrated holiday rep and i didn’t feel let down anymore. Number 4 he is realising that unless he can make an effort then I am not going to wait around in the wings. I am capable of love, honesty, affection and loyalty and i am not going to share these qualities with someone who can’t value them or me.

At the weekend I went out and invited a lot of friends i hadn’t seen. I didn’t ask my boyfriend as i wanted to be free to enjoy the evening on my own and he didn’t know these people. I had a great time and met an old friend of mine. He is a very kind, handsome, intelligent hard working guy who would be a real catch for any single lady. As everyone went home we decided to go on and have a drink somewhere else. Something I would never of done before, i felt like a naughty school girl. I had such a great time. Just chatted but it was felt nice to be treated like a lady. Next day my boyfriend asked about my evening and i told him the truth. I was honest and and didn’t play any “I am trying to make you jealous girly games” He was most surprised i had gone off on my own in the company of another guy and had a good evening. He was also upset because he asked why I hadn’t responded to his texts “are you having a nice evening” … my reason was I had left my phone at home. Pah..

My BF came to see me yesterday evening with a new CD I had been looking for, an idea for a weekend away and was more attentive and fun to around. Today he has been sending me fun, flirty texts like he used to. So a little shake up hasn’t done any harm. Don’t get me wrong I am not making him jump through hoops or being a bitch I am just not prepared to tolerate being second best in his world.

I am away this weekend with the the girls for a much needed weekend of chilling out, spas, reading and partying. I think Uschi you should start planning treats and trips for your self. You obviously enjoy boating. So why not arrange a weekend boating with your mates. I think it would send your BF would be totally thrown of course ( no pun intended ) if you did that. You would get some fun time to yourself and he would get the message that you could possible be getting fed up with chasing after him trying to get him to spend time with you and you have decided to have fun with others.

luv n hugs Jo xxxxx

Oh my goodness I do waffle on, must get some work done now x

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 3:46am
356: T.R. says:

I am feeling confused about the commitment level of my boyfriend. He came over the other night and hugged me and told me that he feels scared because he knows he is in love with me and he is scared of getting hurt. I told him that I too am scared. We then discussed what we want in this relationship. I explained that I feel that moving forward would include us staying the night together more frequently. To me this is a normal progression. He said he understands this is important to me, then said he was “trying to prepare himself mentally to give me what I want”. I do not want to pressure him. But I do feel like we need to move forward. I am circular dating and enjoying my time. However, I am feeling like he and I are stuck. I don’t want to not date him, I just want to move forward. Any ideas on how to inspire him to take the action of moving forward? (his words and actions don’t match).

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 1:51pm
357: Uschi says:

Jo,
I am not trying to get him to do things with me nor am I making efforts at all to plan things for us and since I started leaning back I haven’t asked at all to go out on the boat with him or anything of the sort. I have totally stopped offering to come help with skippering the boat so he can get sleep (like on 30+ hr trips) or like for the last times when he has gone far like FL and DE offering to help with car rides. Obviously he has his buddies for that.
I am just leaning back right now and hope that these tools are going to work for me and get this relationship back on track

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 10:58pm
358: Jo says:

Hiya Uschi

Sounds like a good plan.
Let me know how the Feng Shui goes.

x

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 2:39am
359: la la land says:

hi rori
over the years it seems my husband collected a bench of ‘girlfriends’ or emotional backup as i read somewhere, this used to be very messy for us, but i decided to let go, try better our overall situation, and out-girl those woman with my Rory tools, we have been through a major change, i completely forgot about them, but here they are again today. visiting a place for work he actually made sure i know he meets two of them today, one for lunch one for dinner[!], i admit this confuses me. we were doing very good he was saying that himself
i feel in the dark here, help..

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 1:02pm
360: Uschi says:

la la land

could it be that by him telling you about it he is kind of letting you know they don’t mean anything ?

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 2:11pm
361: la la land says:

yes, he sais he dont want to need to hide or feel afraid, that i should lighten up that its most normal and legit…etc, i dont know, i just dont like this direction , i want not to discus it at all and continue focusing on me, i need to preaper a comment that i know by heart for this situations, because everything i say come out bad
like i lost all the advantages i gained
i think im taking a weekend by myself to a conference -work related

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 3:02pm
362: Aldonza says:

@la la land
What’s stopping you from doing the same thing? Time to circular date and get energy from other sources.

Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 7:47am
363: la la land says:

thanks aldonza, i’m trying but i guess i feel clumsy + its not easy to find people i find attractive, anyway, just booked my hotel and train tickets… nice weekend to you all

Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 9:38am
364: Uschi says:

la la land
Aldonza is right whats good for the goose is good for the gander or in this case the other way around. I have seriously thought about doing the same thing as he is doing and having someone else on the side or for weekends. However, I have not found anyone and it just doesn’t feel right to me. Two wrongs don’t make a right. With circular dating its different cause there is nothing committed there unless you go that deeper with someone, and its just for drinks and friendly talk and I would NEVER go to bed with any of them.

Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 11:21am
365: Diane says:

My question is about “friends with benefits”. There is a guy that I have been in a flirty relationship with for over a year. We have gone out a couple of times casually and the most we have done is kiss. There is no doubt for either of us that there is a strong sexual attraction between us. My problem is that I want a committed relationship and he swore he would never be in another relationship after a divorce from a marriage of 25 years. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about just having sex and hoping it would grow into something else, but I know that if I go there it will never be what I want it to be and I feel this is different with him. I have held my ground so far. But, I am getting to the point where I’m thinking “what have I got to lose?” I don’t have him committed without having sex, so I might as well just do it and at least get that much out of it. But….. I am so head over heels for him. We have a great relationship otherwise. We like the same things and have a perfect comfort level with each other and we get along very well. We see each other everyday because we work together. Until this past May, he was actually my boss, but I’ve since gotten a promotion and now we have the same boss. I thought at first him being my boss was part of the reason, but now I just don’t know what to do. I still keep hoping that he’ll change his mind.
Diane

Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 6:00pm
366: Amanda says:

I feel lost right now, and I’m shaking. I don’t know what to think.

About an hour ago, I discovered that my live-in boyfriend of 3 years has been looking at personal ads online, for women seeking men. I’m not sure if he’s replied to any ads, but looking hurts enough as it is. Looking at porn and looking at personal ads are two completely different things to me.

I don’t know if I should confront him, leave it be and say it’s just curiosity, or take it at face value.

Face value being that he’s looking for someone else, either to have on the side, or to replace me. That I’m really NOT the one he wants to marry, though he swears I am.

Help please.

Friday, 23 October 2009 @ 5:56pm
367: Uschi says:

Rori,
I’ve got a job interview coming up and I am just wondering if some of your tools if any would be beneficial in use trying to get that job. A man is a man is a man right?
Thanks

Sunday, 25 October 2009 @ 10:51am
368: la la land says:

well, focusing on me and my work is doing great to my self confidence and off the obsession track, i had a weekend in the city by myself, which felt lonely but brave, i have been to a work related conference and went to the theater in the evening, followed by a club which was fun,
i have a lot to think about, so i can use that time alone.
i even took the train time to write poetry … thanks for the tip.
coming home was strange, and in no time it turned into a very ugly ‘like in the old days’ fight.
im sorry, but i still dont get it, i think our feelings are so deep berried, we have no access to them, that makes all my efforts feel like power games, whats wrong here?

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 3:55am
369: Flipper says:

Hi Uschi – I remember Rori writing that her techniques can very well serve on the job – not as a subsitute for ‘boy skills’ of course, but to enhance them and our level of effective communication. Good luck with your interview.
Hugs.

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 5:51am
370: Flipper says:

La la land – that’s my difficulty, as well. But when I get to and allow those feelings to be felt, that’s when something happens. How about just concentrating all your efforts on getting to and slogging through that soup. In touch with all those feelings, just within yourself. (For company, you can use your Nasty Voices by sitting them in the corner with a cookie, and eventually by retraining them to speak in your favor rather than tearing you down.) For the moment, save most of your communication to others of your deep feelings until you’ve really been with them, all of them, up close and personal. xxoo

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 6:00am
371: Flipper says:

Keep practicing with the smaller stuff, and backing away when you don’t feel heard or respected. That’s not being defensive, but it is defending our real interests, by showing our intolerance of things feeling wrong. (Rori even recommends physically backing away, rather than turning our back to exit, if that’s feasible.)

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 6:13am
372: la la land says:

thanks flipper, i will
good luck Uschi

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 12:47pm
373: T.R. says:

I am feeling pressure on myself, by myself. I am feeling that I want “everything” now in my relationship. After almost a year in a relationship is it “normal” to expect certain things, or this generally how women, and not men tend to think? I have talked with the man I am dating about what I want, and he has responded pretty well, better than I had expected. However, I am left feeling like I have pressured him, but by not speaking my feelings I don’t feel I am being honest withmyself. With all of this I am circular dating still. I went out for dinner with an old friend last week. Still, my mind wonders, am I in the wrong by expecting things after being together for a certain amount of time? Is it a “woman thing”?

Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 11:19pm
374: Still*In*Love says:

I just got out of a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart, whom I was with for almost a decade. He was my first and only sex partner. We tried working things out, but sadly it did not work. I am still not over my ex, not even by an inch, but I feel like I need to start dating because I am in my mid 20′s and would like to have a family within the next 5 years.

I am being pursued by a couple of men (they initiate all the conversations, and have not stopped pursuing me even though I have nicely declined any dates they invite me on). I am afraid to start a new relationship because ever since I broke up with my ex I have had some negative self-esteem issues. My ex always told me how sexy I was , but now I am afraid to date other guys because I am afraid to get close and get hurt if they do not find my body attractive. I have been told that I am beautiful all my life (by guys, family, strangers, acquaintances, etc.). I became overweight during my relationship, but I do not really look fat (maybe because I am tall and it shows less). I think I am attractive, but I am not in denial about my “flaws”. I don’t consider my weight too much as a negative thing, but what bothers me are my stretchmarks.

So my question here is can a man see beyond the stretch marks? I have never been pregnant, these stretch marks were a result of a growth spurt I had when I was younger. I have them on my arms and my buttocks. I feel that they are anything but sexy! I can’t even wear sleeveless or short sleeve shirts. I am afraid that the men I start to date will be turned off by this and not pursue me any longer. I don’t plan on sleeping with them, but if I ever felt that I wanted to take it to the next level I don’t think I would feel confident, like I did when I was with my ex. I love who I am and I know what I want in life, but for some reason I can’t get it out of my head that no one will ever love me because of my stretch marks, no matter if I’m a great catch or not.

Can someone please give me some insight? Thank you.

Still*In*Love

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 1:33am
375: Amy says:

Amanda,
My heart is crushed for you. What is status now? Did you confront him? Remember some of Rori’s techniques for communicating. I am not good at these speeches, but perhaps a direct confrontation is in order. I know you are just aching. I’m aching for you. Going to him and saying something like, “I feel shattered that you would consider seeking out someone other than me,” and then ask him something that will lead him into a conversation about it. He needs to feel safe. Your vulnerability is real and it’s probably beneficial, but attacking will go no where. Your broken heart is what you really feel. Anger might be laced through there, but really, isn’t it hurt at the root of it? So although you might be ready by today to burn all he has and scream and throw a fit, I don’t think that will go anywhere. Maybe he has valid points that don’t excuse looking for someone else while he is in a committed relationship and leading you to believe he wants to marry you, but that can explain where he is and what’s going on with him. Is he lonely for some reason? Has he put a lot of pressure on himself over something – work, a project, success in the relationship? Does he feel that he’s failing at these things? Is he looking for someone that will be flirty with him and build him up? Is he just simply taking you for granted? He may not know the answer to what he’s doing and why….but talking it out might help you figure it out. And he needs to know how much it hurts you. I can only imagine where you are at right now. I don’t know you and I hurt for you. Surely a man that loves you will empathize with your pain and talk this out. You’ll have to find a way to be calm going in b/c there are a lot of tools that will need to be put in play here. Lean back. Nod as he talks. Know how you feel going in…are you hurt or angry? What is your true emotion? Will he be angry and feel betrayed that you looked at what he was doing on line? Is it appropriate to lead into the conversation w/an apology owning up to that part? Maybe it is nothing to feel sorry for…maybe in these circumstances when someone is not being altogether faithful and honest you have the right to know what is going on, for if you don’t know the truth how can you be free? He is in the wrong here…that’s for sure. Seeking out a relationship while in a committed relationship, whether the searching is via internet, club, gym, whatever…it’s dishonest and destroys trust. I hear you on your perspective in comparing it to porn, but it’s okay to feel the same way about porn. If that hurts you and you sharing your body with him is contingent on him sharing that part of his life only with you…that is YOUR decision and your boundary to draw. If you don’t stand up for yourself on these issues, you will wind up a shell on these fronts. You can do all you can to change and adapt to his way of thinking, but if you see either or both of those things as being unfaithful, you owe no one an apology. There is so much that goes into a committed relationship…I’m not trying to start a debate…I’m trying to make the point, a man is either committed or he is not. You need what you need. Living in doubt of where his heart is will eat at your soul until you are beaten down and so much less of a version that your true self that he will use that as a reason not to give you all he is. Guys don’t seem to live in a world where they say, “I caused X and Y resulted. If I change X, Y will be affected.” They typically just look at what it is in the now and take the most appealing route. I sound so bitter, but it seems so true. And even these tools seemed geared to that. A woman could tell another woman, “X hurts me and I need Y.” The other woman would react based on that, more than likely. But with a man, we have to lean back, let him feel he’s in the lead, do all these things that don’t involve many words b/c words drown him. So be careful as you confront him. Don’t barrell in with a bunch of words. I am sure you want to scream and cry and tell him of all your hurts and wounds and all he’s done to break your heart even though you’ve been there through thick and thin. It won’t have the result you want. (Don’t give him any ammo to say, “See? I have to be with this crazy person…why wouldn’t I seek out a fantasy life?” or anything of the sort…be calm and real and centered…stay focused.) Him seeing that he’s crushed you…that’s the real picture. Maybe that will get the result you want.

And then…although you want to pull the covers over your head and sleep for a good three weeks…don’t. Get up bright and early every day. Work out…run…do yoga…whatever tickles your fancy. Dress up. Wear makeup – don’t forget the lipstick/gloss. Wear your favorite jewelry and perfume. Don’t skimp on your hair & nails. Fix up like you are going to be dining w/your favorite celebs. And look in every mirror you pass. Be proud of who you are and all that makes you the wonderful woman you are. Be proud of the features that make you beautiful. Feel sorry for the rest of us that we don’t have your eyes…lips…hips…whatever Know that you are no less than any woman he could ever seek out if he had all the time in the world. Pity him that he’s so foolish that he’d overlook you even for a moment and be proud to grace the rest of us with your presence. Hope for him that he doesn’t lose you to one of the fabulous men you’ll incounter in the coming weeks as your guy is working to pull his head out.

Embrace yourself. Fill every moment you can with things and people you love and that bring you warmth. You’re worth it. Good luck!

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 7:01am
376: tinque says:

“I am feeling that I want “everything” now in my relationship. After almost a year in a relationship is it “normal” to expect certain things?… Still, my mind wonders, am I in the wrong by expecting things after being together for a certain amount of time? Is it a “woman thing”?”

TW – First please take the word wrong out of your vocabulary. There is no right or wrong about anything. There IS a bad feeling feeling or a good feeling feeling though.
Unfortunately expectations usually lead to disappointment, and more potentially sadly is that men’s timetables are usually not the same as ours.
A year is a VERY short time. Especially the older we are, the longer it takes to REALLY get to know another. I would venture two if not three years. If your man is being attentive, affectionate, into you in every way, then I would suggest being patient, practicing curiosity in every moment, expecting nothing thus leaving room to be pleasantly surprised when something that feels good comes your way.
I waited THREE years to get my first “I love you”. In words. I learned instead to pay attention to all the “I love yous” spoken with action, not words. This was an amazing lesson for me. My ex said all the perfect words all the time, but their was nothing at all to back them up.
I never stated an intention with my man as Rori suggests, mostly because I really didn’t have one at them time. I could FEEL our connection. I could FEEL the commitment. I could FEEL the faithfulness/loyalty.
Yes it bothered me at times greatly not to have words, but this taught me to really FEEL and trust my intuition.
We took it one day at a time, both of us with the hope that this was our forever connection. Happily it proved as such.
As long as he’s walking the walk, TW, try not to worry about the talk. If he isn’t, then maybe this relationship needs rethinking.
A great relationship cannot be rushed. It takes love and nurturing and time.
xxoo

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 8:18am
377: tinque says:

Amanda – I agree with Amy that you have to decide if your man’s actions are a deal breaker for YOU. Looking at porn is one thing, for if you are familiar with my story at all, I discovered that porn is not necessarily a bad thing; it can even enhance a relationship, but in MY book, checking out the personals is crossing a line. That ME.
You do need to speak to him about your feelings. You feel angry. You feel sad. You feel as if cheated on. Whatever it is you feel. Ask for his help with your feelings.
xxoo

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 8:22am
378: Simply Shannon says:

T.R. – I was reading back through the posts from you above and it seems like this is an ongoing issue in your relationship. I sense you’ve been unhappy with where things are for awhile now. I agree somewhat with Tinque that it takes time to get to know someone but what you are feeling right now doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with a man if I don’t feel good about where we’re going. If my man is rowing and I feel confident we’re going over the bridge, then it would feel good to continue on and see what happens. But if the man is sitting there looking at me and it feels like nothing is happening, then no, I don’t want that.

Tough love here – you’ve been asking the same question (essentially) for several posts. Why not try the no-girlfriend speech and go out and circular date? I know it took me awhile to get there (I was pretty much forced there) because my fear of losing him blocked me. I felt stuck. The thing is… nothing changes if nothing changes. Besides, he might finally realize what he’s got and surprise the hell out of you by being the man he needs to be and rowing that boat for you!!

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 8:32am
379: T.R. says:

Tinque and Simply Shannon,

Thank you to you both. One thing I know about myself is that in all of my past relationships I have been very heavily pursued, very quickly. In college I moved in with a guy 9 years older than me after 4 months, partly because of him asking me several times. A few years later I got married very quickly to a man I knew for a short time. So, I know in my head and my heart on one level that I need to accept taking things at a much slower pace, in order to give it a chance of lasting. However, because this is not what I am used to, it feels scary to me.
He is most of the time walking the walk. I have communicated my feelings and that I want to build a future with a family. His response was that he wants this too, but that he does not want to rush things because in both of our experiences, rushing things have only hurt us.
And, you are right Simply Shannon, I have been fearful of saying the “no girlfriend speach”. This is something I have to work through, I feel, in order to go for what I really want.
Perhaps this is a good lesson for myself to not only be patient and give a relationship a chance to be healthy, but also to learn when is the right time for me to give the no girlfriend speach. I feel as though my past experiences of rushed relationships are skewing my current “expectations”. And, expectation does lead to disappointment.
Thank you both for your insight. It helps me to process my feelings and decide what the best next step for me will be.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 11:40am
380: Rori Raye says:

Still in Love, Welcome…and I know you will get so much help here….First – forget about the kind of exclusive relationship you think of as relationship, and focus on the Tool of Circular Dating. The Targeting Mr. Right category here will help you, plus — all the fabulous women here will share their stories with you…just keep reading everything. “Looks” have nothing to do with attraction. You’ll get it if you keep reading. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 12:16pm
381: Simply Shannon says:

Still In Love: I read your post and I felt compelled to respond! I have stretch marks and lots of them. Some from growing quickly when I was younger and some from childbirth. I also have a flabby belly from carrying twin boys full term. IT DOES NOT MATTER! If you carry yourself as if you are an absolute bombshell, men will fall all over themselves to be with you. I used to have a real hang-up about my butt. (Still do really but I’m getting better.) I have had at least 3 guys in the last month tell me how much they like my butt. The one guy I’m seeing a lot of lately has said it repeatedly and I notice when he makes it a point to let me go first so he can check out my butt! It’s kind of funny really.

Next time you go to the grocery store or wherever you go, envision that every man in that store wants you. Seriously think it in your head like a mantra. “He wants me, he wants me”. I promise that you will notice men looking at you differently. It is the craziest thing but I swear it works!!

And just so you know… men do not fall in love with us because we have perfect bodies or we are sexual maniacs who know how to rock their world. NO! They love us because we are women. We come in all shapes and sizes. Remember, even celebrities who have perfect bodies get dumped just like the rest of us!

If I were in your shoes, I’d be accepting dates and practicing with Rori’s tools. Rori really knows what she’s talking about! It is truly magic if you just give it a chance to work!!

Good luck and keep posting! I feel happy to defend our bodies and our stretch marks!!!

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 12:49pm
382: Flipper says:

Still*in*Love

Just heard a talk by a male fertility biologist/sexologist/studier of long-term relationships. He explained how men just ADORE our bodies, however they are, AS LONG as WE ADORE them. Men couldn’t care LESS about things like stretch marks, unless we do. For him, it’s women’s poor body image of themselves which causes the problems in this dept. It’s when we look in the mirror and say, in front of our partner – look how my boobs are sagging, I have such horrid new wrinkles, cheez I’m so fat, you must be disgusted – that he’ll believe us and start to feel that way.

Also, the other day I was at a play reading. All the amateur actors were marvelous, so into their characters, at ease in front of the audience, which was very close by. Near the end, I noticed that the young female lead, who was wearing a short sleeved, low-cut top, had scarring all over her arm and upper torso. I felt such a pang of pride and happiness for her, obviously being and feeling the lovely young girl that she was and beaming it out for all to see, exactly as she is.

Just like all your most wretched feelings, learn to love your stretch marks – it’s good practice for when the wrinkles start. And actually, according to sexologist guy, when the wrinkles start is the age when most women are really mature sexually (for their own and partner’s benefit and mutual love) – it’d be such a shame to miss that cuz of some hang-up about crow’s feet!

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 1:06pm
383: tinque says:

Amen to this Flipper!!!
“when the wrinkles start is the age when most women are really mature sexually (for their own and partner’s benefit and mutual love) – it’d be such a shame to miss that cuz of some hang-up about crow’s feet!”

They say a woman comes into her own sexually in her thirties. I say forties and beyond. It’s an amazing thing. Sex now is like NOTHING before.

Still*in*Love – Any man worth anything does not care a whit about what you look like. he wants to feel safe with you. Men are wonderful in their ability to only see the woman they love. They just don’t see the things we deem as flaws, and even if they do, they just DON’T CARE. They see you as a whole picture, not this piece here, that piece there. YOU. They see you, the one they love. And if YOU love this YOU, they will only love you all the more.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 1:37pm
384: la la land says:

i feel i done my homework,
i was feeling terrible coming home into a fight, i leaned back, way back, took me three days to realize i was angry-ashamed – resisting that – facing my anger – sinking into it [having no sex while i take my time to clear my head] and coming out on the other side, positive and relieved.

today i was invited officially by my husband to join him to a weekend in the city next month, this is something that had not happened before. this is a change

the key here for me was that i need to learn to trust my boundaries not him, and stop being hard with myself , learning to forgive my mistakes as part of the process this are simple clear healthy new truths for a better today and a better tomorrow, as you can see im very optimistic today… a very powerful concept,

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 3:11pm
385: la la land says:

i had my first proper feeling massage today, the kids drove me mad and i said: i feel like crying, and he was sweet in return, i know its not much of a feeling, but it felt like a proper baby step. im content.

and about body image ans sex just do the melting thing its so good, and learn to love and forgive yourself + 10 min of exercise a day, makes a real difference…its a baby step, but it works

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 3:23pm
386: Flipper says:

I feel so good to hear about you feeling yourself through to a better place, la la land. Yae for Siren feel-good stories.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 3:27pm
387: la la land says:

‘Yae for Siren feel-good stories.’ Amen…

Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 3:47pm
388: Matina says:

Hi Rori and everyone!

I’ve taken your advice about start circular dating, so I ordered your targeting mr right program and subscribed to attend a speed dating game on sunday, in order to start the process. Any suggestions and quick tips untill my program arrives? how many dates should I accept? Should it be also dates I am not very attracted to? I am kind of nervous to be honest!!!
Kisses
Matina

Wednesday, 28 October 2009 @ 3:05pm
389: Tatiana says:

Dear Rori!

I was watching your Heart Connection Tool Kit and noticed a lot of mistakes that I am making with men. I tried to start circular dating and realized that it is not easy. I met couple of guys online (different days of course) and they both said that I was an amazing woman and thay would like to see me again. We went to a museum and to a restaurant and we laughed a lot and everything seemed very nice. One of them sends me emails almost every day, another one called couple of days later and said that he wanted to see me again later this week. But other than this one time they never call me. And, I see the first one online all the time. Besides that I feel bad that he also sees me there and I thought he was there because he realized that I was online and figured that I did not like him enough? What does it mean when the guy says he likes you a lot and wants to see you, but never calls? I am frustrated and a little discouraged. I began to believe in destiny and that happy ever after is just not for me…

Wednesday, 28 October 2009 @ 3:48pm
390: Rocket says:

Hi Rori,

I really want to circular date but am finding it hard to find any one man worth dating, let alone several. Where are they?

I am dating myself and flirting – but I’m not sure if I should bother dating men I don’t particularly like or connect with. It seems pointless and a waste of time as I am quite busy.

I rarely get asked on dates. Where do others find men? I am already on a dating site but hardly anyone who contacts me catches my eye.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009 @ 5:21pm
391: Rori Raye says:

Tatiana, Welcome, and again, my reply turned into a post, so I’ll jump off from your wonderful comment…look for it…Rori

Wednesday, 28 October 2009 @ 5:42pm
392: Maria says:

a confusing thing l have. there is a man lm really attracted to, lve been seeing him a since june, he had told me about our future together etc, but whats confusing is, that no matter of all the nice things he had said to me, there is something l cant explain going on. First – he can, out of the blue, disconnect himself totally, as in, there are times, when his phone is off 24h, and he explains it as “charger is off”. Or out of the blue, he had just texted me and when l ring him, he does not anser, and later he said, his phone was on charge.
Anyway, the phone isnt the reason of all the uncertainty, but whats confusing is – one day he is absolute sunshine, but it can turn totally difrent another day. l read Roris eletter about hot and cold and it lead me thinking – with the right guy you wudnt have those “covered” moments, that lead you to question, isnt it? You just know he is all your. lm in a bit of an uncertainty field, like l can feel in my body someting isnt right.
And the problem is l love him….:(
l have told him what l wanted, a man who is….(my terms) and he absolutely feels no way about me dating others, however l find that when l have dated others, my heart still rips out for him.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009 @ 11:24pm
393: Aldonza says:

@Maria

Respect what your feelings are telling you more than anything he tells you. What you’re doing is registering little indiscrepancies between what he’s saying and what he’s doing. You’re “reading” him just fine but he’s messing with the radar by telling you something else.

You know there is something else going on. You don’t need us here to confirm what you already know. Is it another woman? Work stress? Something shady? The specifics don’t matter. All that matters is that he is hiding something *big* from you and no relationship can grow with that level of mistrust on both sides. He doesn’t trust you enough to tell you and you’re learning not to trust what he *does* tell you.

Even if you love him, you need to pull back, *way* back to protect yourself from further hurt right now. If you can’t walk away fully, make sure that you’re circular dating up a storm. Date yourself too. Crowd him out of your time (if not your thoughts) for now. Circular dating doesn’t change your feelings for him, but it does change your feelings for yourself. It also keeps you busy so you have less time and energy to invest in him.

*hugs*

Thursday, 29 October 2009 @ 7:19am
394: Mary Beth says:

Hi Rori,

I am involved in a rather “unique” friendship with a man I met online about 4 months ago. We went on one date, which, at the time, was “just average”. I didn’t feel much attraction to him or from him at that time. Due to our vacation schedules we emailed throughout the month of July approximately 1-2x a week and spoke on the phone once or twice (we both hate talking on the phone). We definitely made a mind/intellectual connection during that time. Prior to going out for the second time, he informed me he got the impression I just wanted to be friends and he was feeling the same way. I agreed to be his friend and we started to spend 1-3 days together a week, went on overnight trips, I stayed overnight at his place and even slept in the same bed, emailed 3-5x a wk, and he has met some of my friends. However, absolutely NO physical contact, other than hugs, has happened.

After a month of spending time together, I told him I developed feelings for him and wondered if he felt the same way. He said he didn’t feel the same way, but hoped my feelings wouldn’t “get in the way of our friendship”. I agreed to be his friend for a few reasons: 1. I thought he would change his mind, 2. my feelings would fade, 3. I could learn something from having a straight male friend, and 4. I was hoping would change his mind if I lost weight (I have since lost 30 lbs with 20 more to go– but I am still HOT*smirk*!).

When I agreed to be his friend, I asked him to agree not to talk about other women with me (yet, I could if I wanted to–but I don’t really say much). Also, I needed to be reassured he would not develop feelings for me down the road (I know, my intention was mostly honest–at the time). He agreed to both of my terms and I agreed to let him know if I was “pining” after him, as I didn’t want to be “that girl”. I have continued to meet men, Circular Date (although not consistently) during the past four months.

Well, now that I have read all of your blogs, read your newsletters, Tools, and bought the e-book and Modern Siren Program (WONDERFUL by the way!!!). I am feeling much more empowered about myself and I just started to use the tools in full force this week. We have continued to spend 1-2x a week together, emailed, etc. and for the past month, I have leaned back and allowed him to initiate and plan activities, which he done 75% of the time (me 25%–still practicing leaning back). When I limited my availability, he then asked to make plans with me for the entire month of October and the a concert in mid-November. He has even paid (and I let him) the last 3 times we went out (before, I felt more comfortable trading who pays and making sure it was fair). However, he has yet to make any non-friendship moves on me, but I do feel there is something more than just a platonic friendship.

I know I am feeling I want more than just his friendship, BUT I am also feeling torn between valuing his friendship and wanting him as a boyfriend/partner.

MY QUESTIONS:

1. How would you feel about this developing into more if you were in my situation?–give it too me straight!
2. Do you feel it would be “Siren-like” to let him know I would be open to more than just friendship? If so, should I wait a little longer for him to see my fully developed Siren (oh, how I love that term!)
3. What type of feeling message(s) could I use to let him know how I am feeling?
4. Any additional Tools, advice, or suggestions for me, I know I am not the only one in this situation.

Thank you for all your AMAZING advice, your gifts, and the wisdom you share!! I look forward to your response!

Many blessings to you,
Mary Beth

Thursday, 29 October 2009 @ 11:19am
395: Lisa says:

Hi Rori,
I’m a mother of 3 in a relationship with “John” for 15 months. He is a divorced father of 2 children, owns a multi-million dollar company, his ex wife cheated on him. He admits to being slow as a snail in regards to commitment. We have a great , monogomous relationship in every way since we started having sex a year ago. At that time I was very clear that I am only interested in a growing, respectful, intimate relationship with a clear path that leads to marraige. He agreed he wants the same. We have seen eachother every day we do not have our children.
I’m ready for the next step even though it is very confusing with 5 children. I’m open to having 2 houses for a while, etc. When I bring up the topic he turns cold and avoids any discussion surrounding marraige. Sometime he will make a joke if I ask a serious question regarding commitment.. About a month ago,I sent him an email with a clear indication of the type of relationship I want with written answers because he is so unclear in our discussions. Although he still calls and we see eachother, it was clear that he was pulling back!

In reading your book I have realized I have gone about it all wrong. I realize I don’t listen to him with compassion or ask him with a start to my feeling while ending..what do you think. I was already amazed at how listening at level 2 allowed me to see his perspective and I have already noticed a small change in him.
I recently started practicing your commitment blueprint and am committed to the program. I would like to thank you for the words of inspiration on your book. I definately have confidence issues and am working on those…

I am both very anxious and exited about reporting the results in 9 weeks…

Lisa

Thursday, 29 October 2009 @ 1:37pm
396: B says:

Hi Rori and Friends,

I don’t have the Toxic Man program, but I am beginning to believe I am in a relationship with one.

He has sweet, beautiful intentions, but grew up in a very unhealthy environment (parents hate each other but won’t divorce due to religion), and experienced the same nastiness in his previous marriage, which was forced upon him by his mother (who threatened to disown him if he didn’t marry the mother of his child). She cheated on him when they were married two months and he was staying home with the baby.

I live with this man. We’ve been together for two years, living together for a year and a half. I realize that was my first mistake (among many others, I’m sure!)… But it’s too late now!

I’m attached to this guy. I love him, and I respect him at a base level that I don’t respect even most people around me. But how do you use Rori’s wisdom to your advantage when you LIVE with the guy and don’t feel comfortable moving out?

I don’t think there’s any chance that he’ll ever propose to me on his own, and like all gals, I DO want to be a wife someday, and not a permanent girlfriend… But can I achieve this goal of opening his eyes without moving out?

Help!

Thursday, 29 October 2009 @ 3:50pm
397: Rori Raye says:

B – Welcome, and I’m going to turn my answer into a post – get the RSS feed, and look for it…Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:24pm
398: Rori Raye says:

Lisa, Welcome – and so glad you’re working the Tools – be sure to let us know how it goes…Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:28pm
399: Rori Raye says:

Mary Beth, Welcome, and here are two suggestions. One – how do you know he’s not gay? And two – you absolutely cannot see a man like this as a friend when you have feelings for him. It’s disrespectful to yourself. Write a speech sharing that you feel more than friendship for him, and so you can’t continue to be this close to him as a friend, it’s getting in the way of your goal – which is to be married. AND – this has to be the TRUTH for you!!! Let us see the speech, and we’ll let you know what we think…and help you deliver it.

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:32pm
400: Rori Raye says:

Rocket, Welcome – and Circular Dating isn’t all that concerned with how much you like a guy. He’s there with you, even for 15 minutes – for your PRACTICE. It’s about the Tools, about developing yourself, shifting your vibe – learning how to BE with a man and RECEIVE. If you’re finding him boring – be curious about him. Everyone has a story. Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:36pm
401: Mary Beth says:

Hi Rori,

I don’t believe he is gay because I have seen him check out other women many times (although he thinks I don’t see him doing it). I will work on the speech and my feelings of being torn too. Thanks for the response. -MB

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 1:52pm
402: Rocket says:

Thanks Rori, but my problem is I don’t meet men I do like. A lot of your tools are about women who are way too much into a guy but what if you are not into any guy at all?

I am open to people, I have loads of guy friends and meet, smile at and flirt with guys all the time – but I’m not interested in any of them and they really seem unattractive to me.

So, I get the principle of practicing with all men but am I meant to go out on dates with men I don’t like? Do you think I am ruling men out too soon? How do you know if you like a guy or not?

I go with how they make me feel, although I probably am attracted to the ones who are slightly out of reach as I do have hunter tendencies which I am trying to work on and I completely do not come onto any guys anymore.

I just want to meet someone I feel excited about but I have been waiting and searching for ages and at the moment it feels like it won’t happen

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 2:21pm
403: theresa cox says:

I’m between a rock and a hard place! I’v been divorced and My children’s father is married another woman and he has decide to separate from her. Now he tells me I’m the one after of years of bad treatment for this other woman! Now I have found an nice man but its to early to find out whats really up for since we only been knowing each other a week! What should i do?

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 2:28pm
404: Rori Raye says:

Theresa – Welcome – and CIRCULAR DATE!!!I cannot say this strongly enough. Ask questions here, read everything, DATE many, many men. You can date your ex if he’s willing to share and you’re okay with it and, and you can date this nice new man, but NO EXCLUSIVITY. And, if I were you, and I liked this new man – I would NOT date my ex. Just spend time with him with the kids, since he’s their father. Romance and kissing would be very, very tricky. Also, if this other woman has treated him badly…I’d be surprised if he’s over her yet. Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 4:19pm
405: Rori Raye says:

Rocket – if you’re the “hunter” type and are attracted to men who are distant…you have work to do to be able to RECEIVE – and when you can reverse the energy – men who are more masculine will start to be drawn to you. It’s all about the “vibe.” Love, Rori

Saturday, 31 October 2009 @ 4:37pm
406: Matina says:

Hi Rocket!
I totally understand your problem! I find myself at the same place almost, except that I do attract masculine men as well! My question to you Rori please, is, as I am entering a speed dating game tonight, okay, I accept dates from both men attractive and unattractive, I get that, but, after a date, is there a second one, or a third one with those I find unattractive? I mean, the guy would think I am interested, and what if he makes a move? I may sound as childish, but I am not willing to kiss someone I am not attracted to!won”t it feel like I am playing games with these guys?

Rori, would you please enlighten me here, till your programm is here?(I have ordered targetting mr right)
Thanks
Matina

Sunday, 1 November 2009 @ 3:57am
407: Rocket says:

Great Matina, I’m glad I’m not the only one finding this weird!

Yeah, you definitely can’t kiss a guy unless you really want to – that would be bad. But for me dating a guy more than once who I’m not at all into feels weird, a waste of time and like I am playing games or leading him on too. I mean guys have feelings too. But I guess flirting and one date is OK for me, just to practice.

Sunday, 1 November 2009 @ 5:55am
408: Daria says:

Hi Rocket and Matina -

for me I’ve discovered in dating guys I’m not attracted to, a whole new challenge with being honest.

I would (say

“hmm… i feel kinda uncomfortable telling you this…

and I am not feeling sexually attracted to you right now… it feels good spending time with you and i feel good on our dates… I would be open to seeing you again

what do you think?”

Sunday, 1 November 2009 @ 4:11pm
409: Matina says:

Hi Daria! aaah, never thought of that!wouldnt that stop those guys then? I mean, you could do that with a male friend, no? just to let you know, i have done the speed dating game yesterday, and picked three guys that i found ok, so i will see what happens and let u know! thanks!

Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 1:38am
410: Daria says:

Matina -

well it might stop them or not. the key is that You are being honest. then its up to them to decide what they want to do.

its not our job to take care of their feelings. it is our job to be totally honest in feeling messages

our job is Challenging.

Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 3:11am
411: Daria says:

Congrats on meeting 3 guys! yay… all in one swoop hehe

Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 3:12am
412: Rocket says:

Yeah Daria you’re right. Sometimes I think too hard about what to do or say when the truth is all I needed.

Although – a guy who still wanted to date me after I say I’m not attracted to him would look really desperate to me and would lose all his degree of difficulty. Or is that just my hunter tendency coming out

Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 11:25am
413: Daria says:

Rocket yes…

the men have 0 degree of difficulty. they are attracted by us. we are the ones with degree of difficulty.

practice Receiving instead of hunting.

I had Very strong “hunter” instincts. Receiving is a whole new thing and I’m still practicing.

the point of Circuar Dating IS to practice the tools, especially receiving and feeling messages.

it’s nto important whether the guys are actual potential husbands.

what IS important is how you feel and that you feel they are GIVING rather than TAKING from you

Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 2:46pm
414: Lori says:

Dear Rori,

I recently purchased your “Reconnect Your Relationship” series after going through one of the worst years of my life. 3 years ago, I began dating a younger man who absolutely adored me and for 2 of those years we had the best relationship of my life. We were compatible in every area and everyone who knew us thought we were soulmates.

Then last year, he got sent to the middle east with a government program for 2 months and when he came back he told me he wanted to pursue a career with the government which would take him back to the middle east. However, he would first be in a training program in a town about 2 1/2 hours from me for 3 years. He moved there and we mutually decided to stop being exclusive since the relationship was no longer moving toward a committed state. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and really don’t see the possibility of moving them to the middle east.

We were both devastated and over the past year just didn’t seem to be able to let go and continued to see date each other a couple of times a month and have had almost daily phone or text contact and sometimes several times a day. We have both dated other people in that time, but no one exclusively. Over the past few months, he has been spending some time with another woman, who lives 6 hours drive away from him but is willing to do all of the work to drive to see him. (it’s 50/50 with me) She is also in the same field of work that he is and very successful in that field, so they have that in common. His friends say that she is not very attractive and also not very nice and they don’t understand what he sees in her unless it’s her connections in the field. He tells me his relationship with her is totally different than his with mine is. They “hang out” at his house and he doesn’t take her out to dinner etc like he does me. He also says the physical chemistry is lacking with her, but they do have an intellectual connection due to their career paths. (although he and I aren’t in the same field of work, we do have quite intense connections, both physically and intellectually) He says that she wants to be in a relationship with him, but that he does not want to be exclusive with her and has been clear with her about that. I have asked him to get back together with me, but he says that his career path is not conducive to a committed relationship now, so it’s easier for him to date both of us casually than pursue a relationship with anyone. I purchased your program because I felt we were becoming more friends and I really miss the emotional connection we once shared. The physical and mental connections are still there, however I am not happy with the fact that he is having sex with both me and this other woman.

I have tried all of the tools in the program and also am dating ALOT and I want to mention here that I have no shortage of other men falling all over me, just none who are compatible like he and I are. Two weekends ago, he invited me to come to a special event with his company and spend the weekend with him. I did and I totally put down the oars and leaned back the whole weekend. I used feeling messages as well. It was a little awkward at first and took him several hours to lean in and show me affection, but he finally did and I melted into him and we had a terrific weekend. He seemed proud to show me off to his colleagues as well. I felt like we had made a little bit of a reconnection in the emotional department.

I have resisted calling or texting him at all, but now the problem is that he didn’t contact me for over a week after our weekend! This makes no sense at all, as he has never gone this long without calling or texting me in 3 years! And when he finally did contact me, it was a casual text message. What is going on here? Did me changing things up backfire and push him farther away? Help!

Lori

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 8:38am
415: la la land says:

i suffered all night because i resisted a feeling. again.
this time it was my oldest friend the jealousy train. i hate feeling that so i resisted as much as i could.
this hurts. [just like resisting pain when giving birth] well i must acknowledge it to go past it, so here it is:
i felt jealous about the ‘action’ he had when i came home: email, telephone calls etc.
before i left he kissed me in such a powerful way [i melted]. on my return he ignored me completely and was exited and overworked about someone else [a lady friend? his ex? his work? he doesnt tell].
i felt like a total looser, i tried to do my own things repeating to myself take your focus off him, focus on yourself. it didnt help.
i lost into not sleeping all night, not knowing how to go past what i felt. i did not let go and sinked, i feared and resisted, and the monster grew and grew. my vibe in my head was so loud my husband said he felt like the alarm clock was ringing but he couldnt turn it off.were did i go wrong?

today he left for few days. i want to feeling massage the event to get it over with, any tips?

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 10:55am
416: Rori Raye says:

Dear Lori, Welcome, and I don’t want to blast you with tough love right off…but I have to, because you depend upon me to tell you the truth when no one else will. You may call this ‘star-crossed.” You may call it “bad luck” or fate, but your man has decided on his career path, and you cannot see being part of it (who could, under these circumstances) – your decision to end it with him was a very, very smart thing…only …you haven’t ended it! How are you supposed to move on to a REAL relationship while you are still clinging to this dead one. And it IS dead. He’s done. You are done. Now all that needs doing is for you to CUT OFF CONTACT. Sorry, but this is the only way. You need to cry. To wail, to moan, to move through all that, and put this guy on the back of your horse (see posts about this here) and get to your Happy Ever After. Reconnect is an incredibly powerful program – and use it for the new men. As you force yourself to see what is really happening in your life, you will begin to attract better men, men who you feel something for. Practice the Tools in Reconnect…especially Walking Yourself Through The Tunnel –very basic, powerful, essential tool. And really get the whole idea of getting a new “Normal” from Reconnect – it’s the only place I talk about these things, and so they form a foundation for the other programs, like Modern Siren, which is all about using your emotions, and Targeting Mr. Right – which is about Circular Dating. What’s in those two programs (and you can find so much help here about the Tools in them) is what you need now…it’s all about practice…and once you make this clean break with him – you HAVE TO DO IT!!! and PLEASE, Please, I beg you…stop sleeping with him. Just stop. You will never get past this stuck place if you don’t stop seeing him altogether. Someday, he may show up again. And you may be happily married to someone else and wonder what you ever saw in him. Leave room in your life for Magic to happen. First, though, you have to get yourself out of this bear trap you’re in. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 11:07am
417: Rori Raye says:

la la land – this comment has so much powerful stuff in it, I’m going to jump off into a post…Love, Rori

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 11:13am
418: Trixie says:

I posted before. I’m treating my boyfriend that I mistakenly have now moved in with as a roommate. It’s been 2 weeks and I am miserable. I now have no apartment, I really want to leave, but my daughter is in school in the district and I can’t afford to move anywhere but out of her school district. My boyfriend and I have had no communication for 3 days. All because he said a nasty comment to me in public at the A and P and I told him I don’t like the way you speak to me. His response was, “shut up”. Plus, there has been no sex and rejection from HIM everytime I try before this fight. I’m miserable, I wanted to make it until June when I could leave with no school consequences to my daughter but I dont’ think I can take it any longer. I cook and clean do laundry. He does whatever he wants, watches tv, does his own stuff. Am I supposed to live this and “shut up”? Feeling messages, doing my own thing, which I have I have signed up to dance classes (which he said were stupid waste of time) I go anyway. None of it is working. I’m feeling low, unwanted, unattractive and like an idiot moving in with this man when I knew it was a mistake from the start. Now 3 weeks of moving my life into his house everyday after working all day, $400 for movers and a truck (that I didn’t have to spare) here I am. Please please someone help me. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do anymore.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 1:39pm
419: Rori Raye says:

Trixie – okay, so you goofed. You made a mistake. As long as he’s not abusive – you’re okay. Take care of yourself the best you can, and figure out how to move out IN the same school district. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 2:20pm
420: Proud says:

Hi Rori,

So my ex boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t like our relationship. After looking through your ebook and all your newsletter I realised I have done everything wrong: from the way I used to talk to him and express my feelings. I would cry all the time and get upset. I would try to push my feelings inside and as a result it would blow up in his face and he would not care about it and I would feel even worse.

Your letters and your ebook has meant everything to me and has helped me so much, even with my imaginary relationship with him right now. I have been practicing your tools and have been practicing feeling messages and it really works! He’s even apologised to me when I tell him how I feel about things and normally he wouldn’t really care at all. I guess it’s a step up. We still sleep together, live together, have dinner, and spend every day together. I guess a part of it is that we’re both lonely and scared to really let go. But I can really tell that he loves me and he’s told me that he loves me and that I am very pretty not only because I’m beautiful also because I have a very beautiful heart. He now hugs me all the time and kisses me everyday just like when we were totally attached to each other. He would now be very possessive and wants me close to him all the time. Recently I was broke for like a week and he has been paying for all meals we had these past few days even though he’s poor and the money he has is from his loan. We still have sex once in a few days and he still finds me very attractive. I can say that we are very happy together… except for the fact that we’re not really in a relationship. I’m in a imaginary relationship. It bothers me probably because I’m having sex with him too and that I can see that we are so in love but not in a relationship. I talked to him today telling him I didn’t want to do this anymore and broke out crying and then changed my mind. So then we had a talk and he told me that he really loves me and really cares about me but he just didn’t like our relationship at all. He had some toxic qualities but when I practice your tools he turned around completely and he’s not toxic anymore.

But now.. I became the toxic one who he doesn’t want to try things out with anymore. My question is, how do I get him to want back in the relationship? He’s totally attached and possessive right now. He’s sweet and loving as long as I don’t become a drama queen like I used to before I learn your tools. I got him tied up with me, but how do I make him feel like it’ll be ok to try things out with me again?

I’m trying to see other men and he has shown signs of jealousy and has been very possessive of me. I joined a dating website but that wasn’t so successful since I’m only 19 years old and most men on the websites are at least 10-20 years older than me. But I joined one yesterday and started talking to this guy who is probably 6 years older than me. My ex told me that I was going to get myself killed because I’m talking to someone I don’t know and that I attract stalkers (it’s true). So I quit that website since it wasn’t really working out anyway.. and then he opened up to me that he was also jealous (and believe me, this man has some high ego and he’s always told me he’s never threatened by any men that approach me). But still, it’s the same thing.. He would love me, want to be close to me, plan activities he’d want to do with me, but he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. How do I make him believe that we won’t have that same old “drama-filled” relationship anymore?

One more thing about him, he had a history (while being in a relationship with me) of cheating with his ex girlfriend on webcam. He tells me he doesn’t love her anymore but he said that she knows him best. They connect and that me and him just didn’t connect like they do. He said she knows all his secrets and it’s not something he can just tell me casually and that he has to feel like telling me in order to open up with me. I really want to connect with him and make him feel like he can trust me and feel like he can open up to me. But well that was the past. I’m not paranoid anymore. I’ve learned your tools and don’t feel threatened by other women anymore. I am a prize and I am better than his crazy ex girlfriend. I decided that I’m not going to question or care about who he talks to anymore. It really helped save myself from the unnecessary stress.

So back to my question. How do I get him to want back in the relationship and which of your program fits with my situation most? I want to order one of your in-dept programs, but I’m not sure which one to choose. I’m very low on budget, so I can only afford one (I’m still a college student, but my relationship is very important to me and this is why I am doing this). Should I get the Reconnect program, the Targetting Mr. Right program, or the Modern Siren program? I already have your ebook.

I’m sorry for the longg longg message I’m leaving.. There are just so much details that I think is useful to know. Thank you so much Rori for having your programs and advices. They really mean a lot to me and I know they mean a lot to many many women out there. I wish I have found and ordered your ebook before. I wouldn’t be in this situation..sigh.. But because of you, I still have hope. Thanks again.

Love,

Proud

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 9:52pm
421: Flipper says:

Trixie – I feel so bad for you in your situation, especially as I’m one of those who said these living arrangements might not necessarily be totally disastrous if I could feel like “just roommates”. Would I cook and clean for a roommate? No, unless we’d agreed on an equal exchange of chores, and they effectively did their part.

Would I feel totally unheard, disrespected and unwanted? Yes, so I wouldn’t want to “work out anything” with them right now. But that doesn’t mean I have to keep doing the stuff or continue to ‘expect’ anything in return, whether I’d said formally I would or not. I can just stop, and rein in my energy to focus on just my and my daughter’s needs. (I’d probably have to develop an uncomfortable tolerance for messiness and neglect in the ‘common’ spheres, but so be it, if that keeps me from wasting my efforts and feeling used.)

As for feeling messages, feeling that they are being rejected or turned against me makes me feel like stopping, and yet It’s for Me that I need to say them. I don’t want to deprive myself by shutting up to avoid negative reactions. So, I’m practicing by talking to Myself, telling them to Myself as if I were alone, but but out loud in the presence of the other person. Sometimes, they still stay stuck inside, but at least start to shape up in there, and sometimes they come out partially. And starting to actually pronounce a few words ‘ I feel… ‘ helps me form a bit more, and relieves some of the despair and pressure. The important thing is to express them FOR ME, and the ‘to him’ is secondary.

Moving under ANY circumstances is one of the hardest things for people to bear, so don’t go down on yourself with all these extra pressures. This is not to excuse the guy for despicable behavior, but he probably has all kinds of issues around it, too, that he’s not conscious of and that don’t even concern you. But that’s His problem – all the more reason for you to take care of yourself, including by backing away from the bad, the unacceptable and going to do something good for you (preferably something that doesn’t have unintended benefits for him, like scouring the stove).

What about writing a ‘power speech’, not about the relationship but about the ‘home’sharing, whether you have any intention of giving it or not? For yourself, to find ways of expressing your point of view in ways that could be heard, should the opportunity arise. If it were me, I might say “I came here in good faith, and though I sensed that things were changing for you, I was at a point of no return about having to move by then, and now I feel trapped. I don’t like feeling as if I’m imposing, and don’t want to feel hostility about our presence here. I need to feel some harmony where I live, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you about our relationship or what you do in your own home…….” What do you think?

Sending you and your daughter lots of love and encouragement, Trixie. xxoo

Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 5:08am
422: Flipper says:

PS – Bravo for the dance classes ! – I feel sure they’ll do you tremendous good, both in body and soul. (don’t bother justifying (good exercise, cheap etc.) – if you say anything, make it something like ‘I’m having so much fun” or ‘I feel great twirling on that dancefloor”, but your good vibes will probably show without a word.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 5:23am
423: Rori Raye says:

Proud – Welcome, and thank you for your story. Here’s my take: You’re so YOUNG!!! Why would you want to choose the pain of this “thing” you’re in with this guy when you have so much life and world to experience ahead of you!!! Work really, really a lot with the Tools in the book – so happy for you that you’re using them and things are really changing for you…and I would say the programs in order for you are…Targeting Mr. Right – because you need to Circular Date more than anything – then Modern Siren so you can heal yourself and attract much better men and know what to DO when you’re Circular Dating on a deeper level…then Reconnect to catch you up on the basics. Then, for sure – Toxic Men – because that’s the trap you’re stuck in. This is kind of backwards from most of my recommendations…but I want you to get OUT THERE fast. I know everyone here will help you…but, truthfully, there’s no teacher like experience – without experience you can’t practice the tools – so – please gear your mind, heart, soul, body up for more experiences. Work is most important now. Money – so after you graduate you can travel on your own and see the world and get some real experience under your belt. Figure out what you want to do with your life, what contribution you want to make, and practice with every man you meet. This guy is just a stop on your game-board. Learn what you can from this – without trying to make ANYTHING happen with him – and let your life flow forward. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 11:46am
424: Uschi says:

Proud,

with was Rori just said I want to add something I heard years ago and seems to fit right in with Rori’s advice.

“Don’t worry about having your heart broken, or braking a few yourself. All those heart-brakes are steps on the ladder called ‘experience of life and love’ and what you learn climbing up those steps will count for the one that is for you”

Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 2:40pm
425: T.R. says:

Trixie,

I am going to be very straight forward here, so please have an open mind. I have been in your shoes before. He is not only a toxic man, he is emotionally abusive. Only abusive people talk to others that way. And waiting 8 months to leave will be very painful to you. Yes, you will have to absolutely consider your daughter’s school, but don’t forget that she is watching how he treats you and is internalizing it. Children learn what they live, and you do not want her to learn that being treated this way is acceptable. Not to mention the stress and unhappiness you feel by staying. This “man” you live with is insecure and has learned his abusive ways against women. I know it is difficult to leave with everything involved, but I would STRONGLY suggest looking at every option you have for leaving because you AND your daughter’s feelings of self-worth are at stake.
Great job on taking classes! You are a strong women!

Thursday, 5 November 2009 @ 3:23pm
426: Desi says:

Hi Rori,

I’ve recently purchased your e-book. I’ve read through it once but dont really see anything in there that applies to my situation. One of the things I’m dealing with is insecurity/lack of trust. I have been dating my man since April and in July we decided to be exclusive with each other. At that point I completely trusted him. We do not officially live together, but he has not slept at his place since the end of July.

In the beginning of our dating he wasnt really focused on sex with me. Which I thought was nice because I was thinking that he wasnt using me for sex. We had such great conversations and we had the same dreams for the future so I was thinking he was really into me as the person and not just interested in my body. I thought that once we were totally exclusive with each other that the sex would happen more often.

Well it hasnt. We have sex around once a week since he has started staying here every night. It started to bother me and I approached him about it and he said he would work on it and that he just doesnt have as high of a drive as me. Well then I found out that he was watching porn on my computer. Which made me think he does have a drive, just not for me. I talked to him about that and told him it wouldnt bother me if we were having sex more often. I really dont care if he watches porn as long as our relationship is not lacking that. Nothing has changed. We still have sex once a week.

But the lack of sex has started to make me feel insecure that hes not really into me. He tell me he loves me all the time. He’s said he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. I feel like he loves me as a good friend, but not a lover.

One day he was using my computer and forgot to log out of his email. I took that opportunity to snoop. I found that about one month after we committed to be exclusive some girl sent him naked pictures of herself. I have no clue who she is. And I have not talked to him about it or let him know in any way that I know about it.

I now feel insecure about what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends. He hangs out with his friends one night of the weekend and maybe one night during the week. On the weekend they always go to a bar or club and he always gets back to my place around 2 or 3 in the morning. (by the way I’m 30 and he’s 29). I’m never invited because it’s supposed to be “Guys” night.

I’ve never been the type of girl who gets insecure about my boyfriends possibly cheating on me. But with him I am. The only hard evidence I have is that email. But I’m nervous about approaching him because I should not have been violating his privacy like that. I think I was expecting to find something though. His lack of interest in sex makes me think something is up.

The other night he went to watch the World Series with his buddies. I tried to call him and he didnt answer and sent me a text that it was loud in the bar he was in. I waited until 11 pm and he still wasnt home, so I called him again and he didnt answer. About 5 minutes later he called me and I could tell he was in his car and he told me that the bar wasnt fun so he went to his place and watched the game with his roomate. If he was just at his place with his roomate, why wouldnt he answer? It makes me feel like he was with a girl.

I dont want to be in a relationship where I am feeling insecure like this and not getting as much sex as I want. The simple answer is to break up with him. But I really care about him. I’m doubting this relationship now because of these feelings I’m having. I know this isnt healthy.

I also read an email from his ex around the time that they broke up and she thought he was cheating on her. He had even told me that she thought he was cheating on her when we have talked about their relationship, but that he also thought that she was cheating on him and that he’s pretty sure she was because she ended up in a relationship with that guy about 2 weeks after they broke up. He said she probably thought he was cheating on her because cheaters like to accuse the other person of cheating. I should probably see this as a pattern for him, but he told me that he wasnt happy with her and that he was only staying with her because he was so attached to her daughter.

I’m just not sure what to do. I Love Him. I obviously dont trust him. At one time, when I did trust him, I thought that he was going to be the person I would end up marrying. I told my mom that I wanted to have children with him. I’ve never had that desire with a man before. He is so wonderful with kids it makes my heart melt. I watch him with my baby niece or his baby nephew and see how great he is and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and start our own family. Part of me thinks he wants the same thing with me too. I had to go off the birth control pill for health reasons and he KNOWS that. For the past two months when he have had sex we havent used any protection.

What do you think? I love him and I want to be with him, but I’m afraid of getting hurt.

Desi

P.S. Sorry this was so long!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 12:09pm
427: Rori Raye says:

Desi – Welcome – and START USING PROTECTION!!! NOW!!! The last thing in the world you need is to get pregnant or a bad case of STDs with this man. Okay – forget what he’s doing. Forget analyzing ANYTHING. Forget the porn (though Tinque is your girl on this one – http://www.SexandHeart.com), forget the email, forget the boys night out. Forget about trust. YOU are not getting your needs met. That’s all that counts. And at this early in the relationship, it’s just not going to get better. You can’t talk a man into sex, you can’t jostle him into it. You can Modern Siren style (and ask Tinque about how to do this…too) ramp up the attraction and the safety and increase his desire…but you sound pretty cool to me…The cure for this for you is Circular Dating (look around here to see how to do it without actually “dating” anyone else). Love, Rori

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:26pm
428: Desi says:

Hi Rori,

Thanks for your quick response! I’m not sure if I understand what you are saying though. Are you saying you think my relationship probably doesn’t have a chance?

I really do want to quit worrying. When I think about letting go of my obsession over what he’s doing I feel relieved. I tell myself to quit focussing on my bad feelings and to bring my happy energy to him. I really do feel a sense of relief and that everything will be OK when I think like that.

But then, for example, something will happen. Like when I got home tonight. He told me that his friends want him to go play poker. And I know that he has plans to hang with his friends tomorrow night also, as well as going to a football game with my brother on Sunday. I felt disapointed and neglected. He sensed me being upset immediatly and He told me that he feels controlled by me, and I tried to use my feeling words and told him I feel neglected. He said I’m with you 95% of the time and with my friends 5% of the time. It’s not about how much time I get but the quality of the time. WE mostly stay in. I told him I want to do activities but he just ended up going upstairs and nothing more has been said.

I have read the e-book quickly and plan to go through it again. I can see how my energy that I bring to the relationship can push him away. And I think that I’ve been complaining so much and trying to “talk” about the relationship that I’m taking all the fun out of being with me. I just cant seem to figure out how to let my disappointments not get the best of me.

I went to Tinques website and can really relate to the obsession she used feel over the porn. I also feel like I am not enough and that he is turning to the porn to get something I am not giving him. But like I said, I really wouldn’t care if we were having more sex.

Thanks again for being here to give advice. I feel like I am learning so much from reading your blog and from your e-book. I understand that I need to focus more on me than what he’s doing, just having a hard time figuring out how to get there.

Desi

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 6:37pm
429: B says:

Hi friends,

I have a post farther up, but this is a last-ditch effort to get some much-needed insight…

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for two years. We’ve been living together for a year and a half. He’s my best friend.

He has an overbearing mother who’s terribly mean to him half the time, an angry and vindictive ex-wife and a three year old girl, all in another state. He also has terminal kidney disease.

As for me… I feel constantly hurt in this relationship, like I have mentally and emotionally devoted my life to our relationship, and he has not.

For example, last weekend I found out I got this amazing apprenticeship with a very widely-known horse trainer. My boyfriend was the one person I was so excited to tell… But when I texted, he didn’t respond for some time. Turns out he was with his ex-wife and his kid, and wouldn’t take the time out to call me. We have been together for two years, I have met both mother and child, and he still won’t say ‘I love you’ to me in front of her or over the phone with his mom. He apparently wouldn’t even take the time to text or place a phone call to me.

He’s always been a very private person. It’s not just me – Most people don’t even know he has a kid. But this hurt has been building up… I accepted things in the beginning that I shouldn’t have. I guess since we were ‘just dating’ I tried to be ‘more understanding’ and didn’t make a big deal out of things. But even this week, he is with his daughter for five days and hasn’t contacted me once.

He also doesn’t talk to me about his time with her when he gets home… I ask how the trips went and what he did, and he is very brief and doesn’t enjoy talking about it. In the end, I feel like this is a vital part of his life that I will never be involved in… Like ‘our relationship’ that I’ve devoted my life to is just ‘my relationship with him’.

In the beginning, my parents (who are quite wise) were telling me to be patient with him and give him time, because he obviously a cautious individual who trusts few and far between. Now they are asking me why I’m with him, because obviously nothing has changed.
So, what is a good amount of time? I feel love starved… The time we spend together (all of our time, sans visits to his daughter in another state, work, and work-related trips) is great, but when he leaves, the disconnectedness shows up again and I realize that I disappear when he spends time with these people. ‘We’ disappear, and he’s just John, or Son, or Dad and it isn’t an ‘us’ thing.

Please help… I feel desperate, I’m sure I sound desperate. I’m normally a very bright, intuitive creature but my love for this man, coupled with a situation I don’t think I handle well, make for a difficult time. The difficulty is multiplied since we live together, and for being so insensitive towards me at times, he is very sensitive himself!

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 2:42pm
430: Desi says:

B-

I want to start by saying I’m sorry you are hurting right now. I am new to this online community, I’ve just recently discovered it and so far only have the e-book by Rori so I am in no way very knowledgable yet on Rori’s methods.

Having said that, there were a few things that stuck out at me about your message. You said that you feel constantly hurt in the relationship, and you feel love starved, yet you also said that your time together is great. That sounds a bit contradictry to me.

I recently posted and got an answer from Rori that really struck me. She said to forget about everything that he’s doing. What matters is that MY needs are not being met. It sounds to me like YOUR needs are not being met either.

Perhaps you can try to take the focus off him and start focusing on yourself? If you Lean Back maybe you will start to feel more of a sense of power and control over your own happiness. Can you spend a little more time with your friends or take up a new class or hobby? This is what I’ve started to do, as well as sending my guy home. We dont officially live together, but he has stayed at my house since July so we are essentially living together anyways. I am really starting to feel better and more in control of my happiness.

I know that you live with your boyfriend so you dont have the luxury of sending him home, but focusing on finding things that make you happy that are seperate from him might be a good start for you.

Also instead of asking him about his time with his daughter, maybe wait for him to come to you and talk about it instead? He may not offer it up right away, but if the pressure is taken off that aspect of the relationship maybe he will start to come around if he starts to sense that you are not trying so hard to talk to him about it.

I wish that I had more to say to help you and that you start to feel better.

~Desi

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 5:21pm
431: B says:

Hi Desi –

Thank you for your kind words! I think that all of your suggestions are great. Living with him is the hardest part… I can’t get away without moving out. But I will definitely try your suggestions!

Also wanted to note that I have dealt before with the porn thing that you are going through… It’s so painful. I broke up with the guy for other reasons, but the porn thing was HUGE and completely assaulted my self-esteem. Don’t let it do the same to you… Those women are unattainable fantasy and anyone who would ‘pick them’ over your loving self needs to get real!

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 5:56pm
432: Proud says:

Rori

Thank you for your advice. I really needed them. Before I got the chance to read your reply I was so impatient that I ordered Reconnect Program. I think I am going to keep it though, since I think it will still help me.

I’m still with this guy although I’m doing a lot better with doing things for myself, and treating him like a roommate. I don’t have the heart to kick him out.. and I guess part of it is because it will make me feel so guilty and it will be really lonely for me. But I am treating him like a roommate and wow.. things have really changed.. I went out with another guy to a formal on Friday night (but then came home to him because I had work the next morning and his place was convenient because I have no car and I didn’t trust anyone at the after party to drive me to work the next morning). He seemed quite upset and would not hug me and I let him be. First of all, I came back smelling like smoke because I was smoking a little bit and everyone around me were smoking.. and so I smelled terrible. He said he doesn’t want to get close to me because I smelled like smoke and he hates the smell of cigarettes. So I let him be and didn’t try to control him or anything. I just lied there and sink into the bed. I have to tell you that this was before I even read about this in your newsletter. So something really happened! He turned around and was like “alright” and he hugged me. Then he kissed me even if I smelled and tasted like smoke. He asked if he can see my face. So I looked at him and told me that I am so beautiful. He stroked my hair and my face gently and told me I’m beautiful again and again.. and when I was just lying there in his arms he kept brushing through my hair with his hand. I told him thank you and told him it felt so good to be there with him at that moment. And then we just went to bed.

In the morning, he walked with me to work because he had to go on campus. And he told me he’d get me some breakfast from Wawa (yes.. that’s the campus life.. we survive on wawa food)… so he did and he brought it to me at my work. And THEN that night.. I came back home and read your newsletter where you said that if you just lie there, sink in the bed, and just BE.. then something will happen and he will pay attention to you.. and he did exactly what you said he would! I feel like we’re much closer now but he still wouldn’t say he loves me. When I tell him I love him, he’d say “I know”. But his actions speaks for him that he really loves me. Do you have any suggestions for getting him to want to be exclusive with me? I am trying to circular date, but it’s a little difficult during college (especially where I am, since a lot of guys are weird.. I go to a very nerdy college). Any tips on circular dating like where I can hit up conversation with men?

Uschi-

Thank you so much for your advice as well.. I just don’t know how to break it off right now. We are totally good together but we’re just not exclusive anymore. He said he doesn’t like the relationship we had. But what we have right now is so much better and so much closer than the relationship we had.. now I just need him to ask me to be exclusive and start over the relationship. Sometimes I wish I was stronger and I wondered why bad things happen to me and not other girls. I felt like I have so many boy problems but I am so NICE.. I guess it’s because I’m so nice and loving that gets me hurt.

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 8:37pm
433: Beth says:

Dear Rori:

I have been listening to your Modern Siren program for several weeks now. Recently however, my boyfriend of 4 years up and said he “did not have the time or energy for a girl freind, he needed to get his life in order.” I have tried to accept this and give him the space he needs however, I still miss him deeply. I find myself looking for ways and creating events to see him and it hurts. He seems to be pushing me away even more and yet says he want’s to be friends. I am still in love with him, and feel like I have lost my best friend. Is there any hope to rekindle our relationship or am I just holding on to a pipe dream?

He lives about 2.5 hours away so seeing him does require effort. I want my best friend back if not my lover.

Please help, I have moments of strenght but it seems the despiration is creeping in more and more. I recognize where I have failed recently in keeping our relationship as strong and beautiful as it was fir the first three years. How can I show him this and rekindle his desire again?

Thank you!

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:09am
434: Laura says:

Rori-
HELP! I am SOLD on the benefits of CIRCULAR DATING after having lived the detriment of the EXCLUSITY TRAP!

Briefly (I hope…lol) I am a divorced (for 5 years now), 48 year old woman. I made a huge error of the heart by dating exclusively a man for almost 4 years. He was a river at first but he was just ending a long term marriage and began to state that he loved me but thought at some point he should date other women for :”a point of reference…” ARGH! He became the pond and I worked non-stop to make him never want to leave. And I grew up believing that if you are sleeping with a man and in love with him…you are in an exclusive relationship. He would never have tolerated my dating anyone else…..and so he “had” me for 4 years!
At my age….I don’t have 4 years to “waste” anymore!!
Which brings me to my question…..
I am quick to find men I have no interest in. That is not a problem. But I have been dating a man with many qualities I love, for 6 months. I broke it off with him once for 3 months because he was becoming very agitated with my dating others….even though he was clearly my main squeeze.
He displayed a temper I found disturbing. We have since gotten back together but I said I am watching to see if he has indeed changed. We have been dating for 2 months now. it is painfully obvious now how much men persue when we lean back…..if only I had done that with the man I was truly in love with.
Anyway….here is my problem….

I have recently met a man who seems interesting. I have gone on 2 dates with him (spread out over a few weeks because I am so busy!)
I want to see him enough to know whether there is a chance for a real connection. But the other man (who I am sleeping with….a woman has needs!! lol) would flip out if he knew I was dating. Even though I have told him we are not committed yet and I think I am too old (ie…SMART) to go “steady” anymore. But the problem seems to be…..if the men I see are going to be reacting to my boundries with anger or jealousy or dating other women as well…..how do I know if I am seeing the real man….or just his insecurities?

And how do I “pitch” this idea of dating non-exclusively. Especially since I thnk men take this to mean that you areonly out for a “good time” and they date others too. Then it seems i will never meet a man and have a second chance at love and marriage.

Boy….did my confidence run out at the end of this letter!!
HELP!!
Laura

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 11:17am
435: Desi says:

Hello Ladies,

Wondering if I can get some quick advice on this. If you read my other 2 very recent posts you know what I’m going through. So I asked my guy to go home to his place so we can have some space and we spent the weekend apart. He called my very dysfunctional brother and asked for relationship advice. It really bothered me that he did that because my brother is the last person who should be giving relationship advice, plus he didnt tell my brother the whole story and my brother did not give him advice that I liked. I was a bit drunk when I found out about this and I was angry about it. I blurted out to my brother if he comes to you for advice again why dont you tell him that girlfriends like to have sex (except I used the word that starts with F) and they like to be taken on dates! So I guess my bro approached him today to let him know that. Now my man is mad at me for letting people know about our sex life and thinks I owe him a huge apology. What does anybody think? How should I handle this?

Thanks!
Desi

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 11:51am
436: Flipper says:

Desi, don’t go down on yourself for (maybe) making a mistake. Even if it wasn’t in direct feeling messages, it was the truth. A Rockstar could get away with saying it like that, tell yourself you had a rockstar moment and then don’t care what he thinks. So what if he’s mad and wants an apology – aren’t you feeling mad already? Didn’t it cross Your boundary to mix your brother up in this? Tell us exactly what your feelings are regarding the situation and his demands. Then practice here paring that down to one or two non-blaming sentences you can say to him when He brings it up again.

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 2:00pm
437: Vicki Kerns says:

Hi Rori and sister sirens! With the holidays and other events coming up, I have a couple of questions about “what to do’s” in certain situations. I recently ended a “friendship” with a man I’ve loved for a long time. We’d been friends for several years (with me the one in love). Last year when I was moving back to my hometown, we reconnected and for 2 wonderful months he acted like he was so happy to have me back in his life.

Needless to say, spending a lot of fun time together led to us having sex and “boom”, the bottom fell out of my world. He of course back-pedaled, couldn’t date right now, said he thought we could have something special down the road (yes, I bought it). Long story short, through the next several months of me trying to cope with just being his friend, then friend with benefits, then him pulling away (sex and friendship both) without a word to me, I decided it would be best to end the friendship (thanks to starting my Rori tools). I was waiting for the end of a 7-weekend festival in which we both participated and then I read a post he made on Facebook about meeting someone that last weekend, and how much he enjoyed the time he spent with her, and how great it was to be single. That was the last, final knife through my heart. I sent him an e-mail filled with as many “feeling” messages as I could muster and told him that it would be best for me to end the friendship.

I am working through all my Rori tools (Modern Siren, the ebook, etc. — had I known then what I know now, sigh!), I am still grieving, I am still hurting, but I am alive and I am finally starting to work on loving the most important person in my life…ME! I know it will take time as I have suffered from low self-esteem virtually all my life (hence, still single at 53), but I have some important questions with the holidays rapidly approaching and there are some upcoming events where I’m sure I will be “running into him”, whether alone or with his new woman.

What is the best course of action to take if I do happen to run into him at some upcoming event? I ended the friendship so I do not plan on even acknowledging him, but even knowing he’s in the same room, and at this stage in my “recovery”, what is the best thing to do? I don’t want to leave; that would be giving away my power. Now if he’s there alone or with a male friend, it would be easier to just ignore him, but if he would be there with this new woman, I honestly don’t know what I would do. There is still a lot of anger and emotions I’m working through, and if I were to see him giving to someone so freely what I tried so hard to just get a few drops of for so long, it would really hurt. And I do not plan to avoid going to events just on the offchance that he would be there.

Yes, I still have a lot of work to do. I am going to be so thankful, to God, to Rori, and to myself, when the day comes that I no longer feel this wrenching in my heart, when I can look at him and no longer feel that hurt, and when I can actually feel nothing at all for him. But what to do in the meantime.

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 3:17pm
438: Mercedes says:

Vicki: I know I’m not Rori and I don’t always know what kind of advice she would give, but I’d like to give you my take on this just a little bit. My heart goes out to you because I know how much this hurts and seeing him will be very difficult. I went through this with J (although I didn’t have to see him with another woman, I did see him and I had ended the friendship, so it was very, very hard – I can’t even imagine how much harder it would be if he had been with a woman when I saw him) and so I feel for what you are going through.

What I finally did was told myself that just because he was there, didn’t mean I couldn’t have FUN and enjoy MYSELF! (actually I was WAY better at this than he was…he kept looking at me with this pouty look and I was like “whatever”…but anyway..) And your festival sounds like FUN, so don’t let him ruin that for you! My advice would be to find a date and enjoy your date’s company and have fun without paying any mind to this man, but if you don’t have a date, then go with a girlfriend or a sister…someone who makes you smile no matter what! Someone who will commit to making sure you don’t have time to talk to him or about him or focus on him or anything else. Commit to enjoying YOUR NIGHT and not letting anyone else determine how that night goes. I totally applaud you for refusing to let him control where you go or what you do (which would happen if you refused to go), so can you take that one step further and refuse to allow him to control how much fun you have?

I sure hope so…but I also know how hard it will be, so if at all possible, do this with someone who makes you laugh.

Want me to go with you? LOL I LOVE festivals!!!!!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 3:42pm
439: mavis says:

Rori,

You are good. I understand I am to get my energy out of there when a man states he wants to be a friend. Not making any excuses just want your thought on this. I did get my energy from him though. We dated for 6mos I broke it off because I didn’t feel him we got back together again as friends 6mos later. He was seeing someone else I told him I wanted him back he came back but didnt leave the other woman (I assumed he did) we talked and i found out he didnt leave her and he now tells me we are better off friends (i have been refusing to be intimate with him) since he cant be intimate with me and just walk away. My response was to laugh knowing he’ll be back. Anyway thought it would be difficult but its been nice. The next time he calls my question to him would be if he is emotionally available to me. What do you think?

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 7:15pm
440: Rori Raye says:

Mavis – Please forget about him. Get him out of your mind and Circular Date. He’s with another woman. If he wants you, he’ll come get you, and he’s not doing that. There’s no game going on here. All men want to be friends with women they like and are attracted to. It doesn’t mean anything. Get outta there. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 8:40pm
441: Rori Raye says:

Vicki, Thank you for writing about this painful situation we’ve all been in at one time or another. I call this the “rock star” thing – where you still have to get up on stage and rehearse and be creative with a man who just broke your heart because you’re in the same band. In this case, he’s in the same world. We tend to run into exes where we’re unresolved. Many years ago, after a horrible breakup with a serious, long-time relationship – I ran in to him 3 days in a row in places neither of us had ever been before. So weird.

Just try this: Don’t resist. Don’t get anxious because you’re just going to feel what you feel. If you do run into him, don’t pretend anything. Practice the Tool of just being where you are emotionally, instead of trying to be cool. Once you’ve lived through it…you’ll be flat-out surprised how it all fades. It’s the resistance that holds the pain. Let yourself be however you are. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 8:49pm
442: Rori Raye says:

Desi, you’re not going to like this…If you get drunk and you “blurt” – then you’re not talking care of yourself. And you’re not taking full ownership and responsibility for your half of this relationship dynamic. I personally can’t imagine being angry because my man wanted help with his relationship with me, no matter who he asked. I’m asking you to take a look at where all your anger is coming from – usually we’re angry with us…and I want you to replace that self-dislike with self-love. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 8:58pm
443: Rori Raye says:

Laura, Welcome, and thank you for your story. Here’s my simple answer, and I’d love discussion on this…Let him be angry. Let him stew. Let him be jealous. Let him do what he does. YOU stick to your “diva creed” – your one rule is that you will not be exclusive with a man you are not engaged to. Sex does not alter that. He gets to do whatever he wishes to do around that. You have no tolerance for a man who doesn’t put his money where his mouth is. He can say whatever he wants, he can feel however he feels, you will not cave. You are either dating or you are engaged to be married, with ring, with wedding date (if that’s what you want – there are many women who don’t want to be married…so pick another benchmark – like owning a home together…something that feels binding to you…but don’t settle if what you want is marriage!) There is no middle “girlfriend” ground. I hear your concern about this man’s anger, and if so, you must rely on yourself to stick to your guns. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:13pm
444: Maria says:

Hi Rori,

You are great! I love the reconnect your relationship CD. Anyway, I have been listening and following your emails, but I cannot seem to get over the rejection. I was dating a man for a year and a half and he broke it off over a petty argument. After reading and listening to your CD’s, I start beating myself up because of the things I know I did wrong. Now, I am just distraught. Our relationship was fine, then one day it ended. He hasnt called me in a month in a half. He texted me to ask how I was doing last week, and thats it. On Saturday morning, he popped up at the starbucks that I go to regularly. As I was leaving the drive thru, I saw him walk into the starbucks. I was very shocked but did not follow him in. I drove off. My cell phone bill is under his name and he pays it. I have decided to just open a phone line in my own name because I feel like I am waiting on him every single day. Am I wrong for changing the bill into my name?
I really need advice on how I could bring my self esteem back up. I am completely shattered.

Desperately seeking self esteem!

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:16pm
445: Rori Raye says:

Beth, so sorry. Want to reach out and hug you…please hug yourself hard for me…You cannot have a “boyfriend” for 4 years who lives 2.5 hours away. If this was going to turn into marriage, it would have by the end of year 1. Even though you are “trying” to give him “space” – he still feels like he is your “everything.” Keep working with Modern Siren – DO the Tools – And Circular Date. If you can, get Targeting Mr. Right, and use all your Modern Siren Tools exactly as I lay it out in Targeting. Seeing him does NOT require effort. There should be NO effort. Your efforting is what’s causing your distress. Back up and you’ll feel better. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:19pm
446: Rori Raye says:

Maria…Welcome, and I’m so glad you have Reconnect. He just used the petty argument as an excuse to break up, which means there’s a lot you can do for yourself here. Now you get to start fresh – and I know it hurts anyway. What did you reply to his text? Sometimes the things we do can make us feel either better or worse. Please get your own phone. Please start dating other men. Please get out there and do something you enjoy and feel is important. Please live a great life and date great men. If he shows up again, that’s up to him. You can DO this!!! You have a broken heart right now…you are supposed to feel bad, that’s normal. Just keep walking yourself through the tunnel, and you’ll feel better. We’ll help you every step of the way. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:41pm
447: Carolina says:

Hi Rori,
I have a question about exclusivity and the girlfriend trap.
I’ve been dating this man for the past two months and I’m having a great time. He calls me every day and we see each other during the week and at least one night on weekends. If I don’t see him I know where he is. He pursues me, asks me out, pays for dinner, has paid for a weekend trip, proposes fun things to do, etc.
I’m not sure he’s the one, I haven’t made my mind, but I know he makes me feel great and a goddess. I’m still dating other men, coffee dates mostly and I flirt with all men.
My man has introduced me to all of his friends and he even introduced me to his parents, but he always refers to me as “my friend Carolina”. We haven’t discussed exclusivity and I’m ok with the way things developed so far, with one exception: I wouldn’t be comfortable if he was dating or mostly if he was sleeping with other women. Needless to say, we use protection whenever we have sex.
Is it any way I can address this situation? It sounds a bit unfair to tell him anything when I’m still dating other men and don’t want to cut all my other options, but really the sex part is troubling me.
Please advise.
Thanks,
Carolina

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 12:16am
448: Desi says:

Hi Rori,

Thank you for being honest with me! I will deffinately explore what the possibilities of my inner anger may be. I know that my outer anger is over frustration with my current situation of my needs not being met and not knowing how to deal with them and feeling powerless to change anything to get the outcome I want. And of course what I want is to recieve affection, sex, and love from him that I feel i’ve been missing. I’ve been
focussed on being angry at him but havent stopped to
see what I might be angry at myself about.

B-

I’m glad you liked my suggestions. Just the little I have done over this weekend spending time with friends starting a yoga class, getting the house cleaned up…these things have had an enourmous effect on how I feel so much more powerful over my happiness instead of waiting for him to come to me and provide my happiness for me. I have made huge changes here and I’m not really feeleing depressed because he and I are taking a mini break and he’s no longer with me here all the time. Normaly I would feel very depressed right now, but I think it’s all about how you focus your outlook on your situation and the energy and emotions will follow. Keep us updated on what happens!

Flipper-Thank you for your feedback regarding my post. You’re right I did have a Rockstar moment! I had a purely immediate response to something I had been told and didnt even stop to take time to choose my words. I guess I can be proud of myself for feeling my feelings in the moment. I do feel sorry that my comment embarrassed him, I understad how he feels that our sex life should be private. Inf fact it was a little embarrasing for me after I said it, because it is embarrasing to admit when you have problems in the bedroom. And especially when it’s the man that doesnt want you, you hear so much about the woman turning the man down for sex. I have never been in a situation like this before. I am used to being the one turning down. And now he is fearful that my family wont like him. And I told him I was sorry.

Thank you everybody for listening and being there!
Desi

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 12:33am
449: Flipper says:

Laura, to help you find the words about no dating exclusivity for you, there’s a ‘No Girlfriend’ speech in one of Rori’s posts on the blog somewhere (sorry, don’t remember exactly where). Also includes sexual exclusivity for you both.

As for his dating, Rori recently talked about this. If I remember right, if it’s early days, well we’re both just dating (but sex must be exclusive). But if I am at the point where I want commitment from him and I am willing to commit to him IF he offers the whole enchilada, AND we have talked together about what I am seeking in a relationship, then you don’t tolerate his seeing anyone else. He can take all the time he needs to make his decision to commit to me, but trying out new women means it’s not about his readiness but something else. I can keep giving him some of my time, attention and sexual exclusivity while he’s figuring it out, but I don’t give him all of me and put myself on hold on the path to my goal. While he’s making up his mind, I can’t risk shutting down my options in case he says no.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 5:17am
450: Trixie says:

Thank you all for your advice. I re-visited some of the Rori Cds I own. Re-read most of the posts on overfunctioning, leaning back, feeling messages, etc. Here’s where I am now: He says the reason why he wanted me to move into his house to live is so we can “work toward marriage”. I’ve put off looking for a place to move to with my daughter after I gave my power speech (which I’ve given at least 2 other times before I moved in). This is where I am with him now. I still don’t like it when he talks to me with an attitude or like I’m stupid, I don’t like it when he raises his voice to me. I’ve expressed this feeling message wise many times. Now, I let it go and go find somthing to do for myself. My question is, he knows I want marriage, now that it “seems” to be on the table, do I believe this or actively look for somewhere else to move to? My therapist said that 80% of the pressure in our relationship will go away once he commits to me. I have trust issues from my divorce. What about him stopping talking to me the way that is unacceptable to me? Is it a deal breaker? Things have been better for over a week, he is responding to all of the lean back, feeling message, me doing my own thing and I’m feeling stronger, think about him and the relationship less, do my own thing and he’s starting to step up. Now I don’t know what to do, I have so much left over hurt from all that’s already happened.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 10:34am
451: Tara says:

Here’s my story: Had horrible marriage to porn-addicted jerk for 12 years (six kids). Got divorced. Had several “train-wreck” relationships with guys. The common element was that they felt free to hurt me, dump me, avoid me, play me, and lie to me. They would say they loved me but their actions would prove otherwise. A little over a year ago, I met “Steve” doing community theater.
We hit it off immediately.
His story: He got his first girlfriend pregnant and dropped out after one year of high school to support her (shotgun wedding at age 16). She has threatened suicide and infanticide after each of their two older children (17 and 13). She has been very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to him. He has stayed “to protect the kids.” They had another baby a month ago.

He has a lot of feminine energy and I have a lot of masculine energy. He says he loves me but our relationship has deteriorated steadily since a big fight three weeks ago (my insecurity reared up), and he is giving very mixed signals and doing almost nothing in the relationship (not that he ever took initiative a lot, but now he won’t even sit in my car with me for 5 minutes). He works, goes to school online, and takes care of the baby all night too.
What do I do?

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 3:33pm
452: Laura says:

Rori and Flipper-
Thanks for the support and reinforcement. It really is challenging (for me) to let go of the idea that “exclusivity” is the Holy Grail of dating. Also more challenging than I thought it would be to “hurt a man’s feelings” when he wants to be my “boyfriend”. Heaven forbid….LOL!!
Today I found an opportunity to CALMLY express my truth and boundries with the number 1 guy. We had a great date the other night but he had a bit of a “meltdown” toward the end of the night. This morning he called to apologize and I said that, although I feel he has a lot of great qualities, I am turned off by his temper and it is a deal breaker when it comes to a long term committment. He got a real defensive tone to his voice and asked if I was breaking-up with him because he was going to start seeing a therapist in order to change. I said that if he wanted to see a therapist FOR HIS OWN GROWTH, that was great. I was currently okay with still dating him but was not even thinking about taking it to the next level with him unless I thought he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with and vice-versa.
Interestingly enough, the more matter of fact I was, the better he responded.
I do have a date scheduled with the ‘new” guy and I am feeling excited to see how things present themselves.

One question….I am satisfied that I have been clear enough about where I stand with these men, but I also don’t want to throw it in their faces. When asked what I am doing by one man, do I say….straight out….going out to dinner. Or do I strive for vague? I have a friend who use to preach “More mystery; less history.”
Thoughts about tact, honesty and helping people “save face” while maintaining my own integrity?

Thanks Rori and all you women…..getting our “act” together benefits not only us…..but the men lucky enough to be in our lives!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 9:21pm
453: Daria says:

Carolina -

Rori has a speech about this actually. It’s in the Targeting Mr. Right program too. Basically, after the first time you have sex, (first time no speech usually because you want to see if you will WANT to continue having sex with him), or in your case, whenever YOU WANT TO BE SEXUALLY EXCLUSIVE…

you say a speech like… “I don’t feel comfortable having sex unless i’m in a sexually exclusive relationship… what do you think?”

tadah… thats it

well of course you listen to him , and respond with more feeling messages, and honor your boundary of not feeling comfortable having sex unless you’re in a sexually exclusive relationship

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 11:30pm
454: Flipper says:

“More mystery; less history.” – love it, Laura. I feel it’s none of their business to know exactly what I’m doing, but I feel both offended at their nosiness and flattered by their curiosity.

Anyone have any practical advice in answer to Laura’s question?

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 5:18am
455: Simply Shannon says:

Laura: I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to post your comment on the most current page. I feel very curious about the same thing and would love for all the Sirens to comment. I struggle with this too. The rockstar in me wants to just tell the truth… “I went to dinner, a concert, whatever” but I do feel weird about it sometimes.
———————–
One question….I am satisfied that I have been clear enough about where I stand with these men, but I also don’t want to throw it in their faces. When asked what I am doing by one man, do I say….straight out….going out to dinner. Or do I strive for vague? I have a friend who use to preach “More mystery; less history.”
Thoughts about tact, honesty and helping people “save face” while maintaining my own integrity?
—————————

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 8:04am
456: Laura says:

Flipper-
I know, right? It is so nosey that they ask what you are doing AND we ALL KNOW how “well” men respond if we were to ask the same thing of them!! LOL…..we would be “needy” “clingy” and they would be WAY ONE!! sheesh!! We have spoiled them rotten!!

Shannon- I am GLAD you are posting it somewhere else and can you let me know how to access where it is? LOL
I am new to this!
I really feel more comfortable with men who are smart enough to get it when I have been on a date…..example…A man I have been on a few dates with asked what I did the other night and I told him I had gone to a hockey game. Well….duh….obv I went with a guy. He was just cool and asked how it was. Of course, I have not been intimate with him at all so anyother response would have been weird. But the man I have been seeing for several months and DO sleep with……I do VAGUE!! He would pout or have a real mean tone to his voice…..both things that are turn offs and continue to keep me ambivilant about a LTR with him.
OY……If I only new that dating would be a part of my life in my late 40′s I would have napped more in my teens!! hee, hee!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 10:37am
457: Laura says:

oops…I meant “way GONE!” when talking about men’s response to our inquiries regarding their time away from us!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 10:38am
458: Laura says:

One more thing Flipper, et al, (I am procrastinating with work obv! hee, hee). Perhaps you are younger or just less jaded than I. I am NEVER flattered by men’s jealousy anymore. Use to be….because I read into it. Now I see it as a sort of knee-jerk (ha ha…”jerk”) reaction that may OR MAY NOT have anything to do with their LOVING feelings toward me…..just the whole male testosterone my property, blah, blah,blah,,,B.S.

Remember ladies….RORI….DO YOU AGREE?…..a man’s jealous reaction to your circular dating means NADA. Only his actions and wanting a LTR leading to MARRIAGE or something like that means anything relevant to you!!

I am still getting over (like a bad flu!!) a 4 year relationship with a man who was exclusive with me. I was MADLY in live and thought he was my happy ever after guy. But he just had DIBS ON MY BODY AND HEART for 4 years without having to COMPETE!! What a wuss he was and an idiot I was!!
Okay…..now off to make money!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 10:47am
459: Simply Shannon says:

Laura: I’ve posted it to the new blog post. If you click the blog title “Have the relationship you want” at the very top of the page, it should show you the most recent blog post “Contacting Men Online”.

One of my guys does the same as yours. Gets all defensive and upset about me dating other men. You said it exactly like how I feel. I feel put off about having a LTR with him because of his reaction. In my mind, I feel curious if this will be how he will react to anything I do that pisses him off. I definitely feel hesitant. Time will tell if he can handle me standing strong and actually come to admire that part of me. Feels like I’m trying to make him into something he’s not though. Hmmm. I don’t know yet.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 10:48am
460: sparkles says:

What if you have already agreed to be exclusively dating a man and then he only wants to see you once a week?

I’ve been exclusively dating a man, off and on, for about 2 years. We tried living together but he needed more space or something so I moved out on my own, closer to work and all. He still insists on being in an exclusive relationship and I’ve agreed, hoping it will lead to husband and family.
Now that I don’t live close to him and won’t stay at his house all the time (even I didn’t like to spend time at my place -it was a basement under construction), I hardly ever see him.
He calls to inquire after my plans and tell me his but doesn’t ask for a date or he suggests, if I am going to be in his town, that we meet up later, after our respective times out with friends. I told him that I am not comfortable ‘hooking up’ after a night out with friends and don’t want to make the effort involved.
This led to a fight. I felt insulted and angry. He told me I was being negative. It’s difficult because I can’t ever just tell him how I feel and leave it at that. He always wants to pick it apart and “debunk” my feelings and he knows how to push my buttons.
I’m getting off topic but the point is; he asks to come see me once per week. I am not worried that he is dating other women. However, we have been dating for two years and it seems to me that two people should spend more time together, not less, as the relationship builds. I am starting to feel frantic, sad and lonely because he doesn’t want to spend time with me and friends or take me out on dates, just come over, cook dinner, watch a movie and spend the night.
It is not enough for me at this point in time. I want a relationship that is moving forward and I know that Rori says that all dates are equivalent to the first until you are married but shouldn’t feelings and the desire to be together increase over time?
I’ve already agreed not to date other men and thus feel hopelessly tied to a man who, apparently can’t handle anything more than a part-time girlfriend. Should I have already lost interest in this guy or, if am I doing something wrong by allowing/encouraging this to continue, what should I do differently?
Help. I feel lost and lonely.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 2:00pm
461: Desi says:

Hello Ladies,

I have a question. I’m not understanding what the point of dating multiple men is, but remaining sexually exclusive with one. Why do you guys that have mentioned it want that sort of an arrangement?

I myself am trying to get my head around the circular dating thing. Thinking about bringing up to my man that I would like us to be free to date other people. He is not staying at my house anymore but he wants us to remain a couple and says he doesnt want me to date other people.

I just dont understand how dating and sexually exlusive works while still dating other men. Doesnt that sort of defeat the purpose of dating other men to get him to give you the commitment? If you are giving him sex and only to him, how does that motivate him to want commitment with you?

Thanks ladies!
Desi

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 3:12pm
462: Simply Shannon says:

Desi: I’m leaving the man out of this answer completely. I can have sex available to me from a constant source (the one I’m sexually exclusive with) but I’m free to see other men and decide if I’d rather have a relationship with someone else. If I find someone else, then sex is off the table. One would think that a man wouldn’t care or be motivated to step up because he’s still getting sex (and indeed he might not). Regardless, I’ll be out there finding what I want and not sitting around with a man who just wants sex with me.

This really all depends on what you want. If you can’t open your heart to other men while having sex with one, then you can choose to not have sex with any man until you have a commitment from the one you want. This is the category I fall in too. I just can’t seem to separate the two things (love and sex). At least not yet anyway.

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 3:31pm
463: Rori Raye says:

Tara – You’re not going to like this…WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! You are becoming emotionally involved with a man who is still with his mentally unbalanced wife and just had a baby a month ago!!! Does this sound like a smart move? We all here say NO!! Drop this “friendship” completely. Right now. Stop. What you need to work on is your “masculine energy.” It’s great to be a boy when you’re making money and shepherding projects – completely a losing way to go in love. If you want to stop the train-wreck – work on yourself with Circular Dating so you don’t get hug up on or involved in any deep way with ANY man – until you can see the difference in the quality of men that show up. This is so horrible, Tara, I almost thought for a minute you’d made your story up, to challenge me. I’m going to send this to you personally, too, because I want you to hear this tough, tough love that no one else has apparently ever cared enough about you to deliver. Hate me for this, that’s okay, but please hear me. Love, Rori Oh – get Toxic Men if you can – it will turn you around quickly, and give you some power Tools to use to save yourself this minute.

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 4:07pm
464: B says:

Re: Tara’s Situation

Miss Rori –
Is that to say that men and women can never have predominantly opposite energy and have it work? IE – A man naturally is more feminine… A woman is naturally more masculine, and that can work well?
I know a lot of relationship guides would tell you that you have to take a look at the situation and really get a feel for who is in what role – And that sometimes, opposite roles really will work alright. I’m curious to know what your take on it is!

Miss Tara -
WOW – They just had another baby a month ago? I’d say, let him deal with that one on his own! It sounds like you’ve had your own serving of drama several times over and are ready to have a real man, not one who still finds himself sticking with a woman who threatens suicide AND infanticide! That’s a nasty taste in women if I ever saw one.

Take care of you!
- B.

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 4:34pm
465: Rori Raye says:

Again, Sparkles – you were doing the right thing – and now change your mind. Do NOT become exclusive with him…Please read my other comment…you can DO this!!! Love, rori

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 4:37pm
466: Flipper says:

The point, Desi, is having our cake and being able to keep eating it, too. When Mr. Exclusive Sex man is perfectly happy as things are, and we would love to be perfectly happy with JUST him but in fact, WE ARE NOT, because he is unwilling to step up or go further, we don’t have to give him up completely to start all over again from scratch, alone and lamenting our loss . Circular dating other men means I’m not settling for making someone else happy enough, but actively seeking my complete happiness, too, wherever that may be found.

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 6:22pm
467: Desi says:

I guess I get it a little more now, but it seems that the situation would work best with a man you are not emotionally attached to. I think I do have a hard time seperating love from sex.

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 8:17pm
468: Rori Raye says:

B – a masculine eergy woman and a feminine energy man work just fine. Only — do you really want to live that way? That means you ALWAYS row the boat. That means you never get to say to the guy “act like a man and make some money!” But more importantly – how does it feel? If you are HAPPY with this arrangement…then it’s great, it works, and you don’t need me! But if you’ve forever been with toxic men and miserable…then chances are this isn’t what you want…Love, Rori

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 8:40pm
469: Rori Raye says:

Heather, so glad for you that you were finally able to cut loose and feel good. Love, Rori

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 8:44pm
470: Rori Raye says:

Ginggi – You’re an angel too….I can feel your wings……Love, Rori

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 8:46pm
471: Tara says:

Rori and B –

Thanks for your comments! After reading the e-book, I realized that I grew up believing that women were weak, incompetent, and unable to take care of themselves, so I grew up wanting to be a guy, and have always projected masculine energy in my relationships.

I’ve done some of the exercises in the book and am learning that my ideas about “feminine energy” were wrong, and there is actually much to love about being a woman! For the last few days, I have been working with the “Pond” image and thinking about being “yummy pie” and it has made a huge difference in my feelings about myself as a woman. I now want to try being the Girl in a relationship for a change! “Steve,” btw, admits he has a “huge feminine side” and even his own mother wouldn’t be surprised if he said he was gay (he swears he isn’t).

More on Steve, the married male domestic abuse victim: We’ve been together just over a year. For a long time, it was great, and we had decided that within 3 years, he would leave “Jane” (the abusive wife), and we would marry. The relationship deteriorated significantly about a month ago, when I became rampantly insecure and started nagging about his feelings for me and constantly asking him to say “I love you.”

I now realize it’s HIS job to put forth actions, not words. I was hoping our love would give him courage to break free from his abusive situation (as he said was the case), but I don’t want to waste any time hoping or expecting for anything from him. I’m sick of him making almost no effort in the relationship. He rarely texts me first, rarely returns it when I text “lyl” or “l&k”, etc. He still says the words verbally, but I don’t try to force myself to believe it anymore. It used to be different, although I always felt more “in charge” of the relationship than he was.

I’m trying Circular Dating and it’s already making a HUGE difference in my feelings about myself and my ability to NOT CARE what Steve says or does.

RORI, you are amazing! And, thanks B, for your comments!
I’m much happier already!
Tara

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 12:45pm
472: Soignée says:

Dear Rori,

I feel happy to know from your work what mistakes I made with all my love life in the past. You said very well about the past, if we create drama in our love life, it can mean that we had some drama as we were very young. That’s true, I lived a lot of drama as I was child. I had alot of responsabilities in my home because my father was not present. I was very successful in my job, like interpreter. So I could provide for my whole family. So my social success, money, providing for my family developped my masculine energy. I did not go out enough for my love life, so I had no ideas with the better ways of approaching men. So I thought, if I was successful “leaning forward” in job, I will be successful in men with the same pattern. But it was completely wrong. So I can see right now every mistatke I made. I remember only, that the best feminine attitude I had, was when I felt completely safe, and loved, so I was always very, very feminine.
I am working right now always to be as more feminine as possible. But sometimes, when I feel fear, I become masculine. In new situations, stressful environment, with negative people, I become masculine.

I am working on my fear. I woud like to ask you how to feel safe and as feminine as possible, in stressful situations, without getting too masculine.
I have always my defense, I am very auto-defensive. So I get masculine.

And I noticed another thing.
I had to defend myself at the job. there were discrimination issues. So I did not want to accept some negative treatment from others. but the only way to make others respect me was when I started to get aggressive. I had no other choice. And the result: every man started to respect me.
My man – he started to respect me too as soon as I started to tell him the whole truth, certainly in a good-mannered way. But as soon as I got some kind of aggressive, too.

I do not absolutely become aggressive, it is the case when I have no other choice. But I became attractive to men.Some of them asked me my phone number. They found me sexy because of my anger expression? OH my God. I always tried to be a good girl with “harmony”search in relationships, I was caring, tried not to hurt someone’s feeling. But I was not listened to. I was understood as a girl who does not understand much.It was a discovery for me. I expected other results, very different ones. I had nothing to loose, so I started to defend myself.

Because I know if I had explained them my truth in a feminine soft way, they would have not understood me.

I do not want to get aggressive and masculine, I want to be feminine. How to be a feminine woman and to be respected without being aggressive, because I think that in romance the feeling messages are very ok (I have confirmations), but in everyday life, and with men, the manly way of speaking is accepted. But I do not want, ABSOLUTELY do not want to become masculine.What to do?

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 5:29pm
473: Soignée says:

Is it possible to be a feminine woman leading a group of women and men, being extra feminine and make respect yourself ? Is it possible to be a feminine woman making good money?

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 5:35pm
474: Ready*to*CircularDate says:

Is it leaning forward if I invite a man to a get together I am throwing for my birthday? He have shown interest and I am leaning back, but I’m wondering if inviting him would be leaning forward.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 6:00pm
475: Rori Raye says:

Great question, Ready to Circular Date….! The simple answer is yes, it’s leaning forward. The complicated answer is – are you a Diva (in a good way)? Can you invite him and not care what he says or what he does, or even if he says yes and then doesn’t show up, even if he comes and starts flirting with someone else…but just feel warm and open when he shows up? I’m assuming he wouldn’t consider it a “date” – but a friendly thing? As I say – if you’re a rock star diva you can do ANYTHING. Remember – Experiment, Experience, Engage…..(just 3 of the 6 Good E’s…) Love, Rori

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 7:52pm
476: Rori Raye says:

Soignee – being feminine is not about being, nice, quiet and demure….that’s a total misconception. Being feminine is about standing up for yourself, feeling your feelings and expressing yourself! It’s about being REAL. Masculine is about pushing stuff out or holding stuff in…Feminine is about letting stuff BE. What you are calling “aggressive” likely isn’t. It just likely feels that way. And about being masculine at work – that’s what you’re supposed to do, and this is all about “Switching Hats” – read all the posts about that here….You’re doing great!!! You’re getting respect and you’re creating attraction by not trying to hide your feelings and who you are. Everyone take note! Love, Rori

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 7:56pm
477: Maria says:

Rori,

Thank you VERY much for your reply. I have transferred the cell phone service from his line into my own name and now will be paying for my own bill. I have decided to trust myself and just focus on the store. I am in the process of opening a storefront-by the way he promised once we got married- anyway, so now -I am just focused on starting the boutique up & very very excited about it.
I also had a long conversation with my brother in law-and he basically repeated EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID. He told me “I ” have all the power and I just need to focus on ME and making ME happy. He also said I need to stand firm WHEN the guy who dumped me comes back. He said, “He will come back” but I have to be focused on myself and NOT call , email or text him at all.
Rori, I REALLY appreciate your programs and blog. WOW!
Thank you soooooo much for your immediate response!

:0)

Slowly but surely getting “myself” back. :0)

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:02pm
478: Ready*to*CircularDate says:

Thank you Rori! I’m barely trying to figure out how/who I am. I just gave up on trying to bring my long term relationship of almost a decade (since we were in our mid-teens) back to how it used to be. I chose to move on and start fresh, rather than holding on to something that I finally realized was just an unhealthy attachment. I think I might feel more comfortable having a mutual friend invite him. I do not want to lean forward.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:49pm
479: Rapunzel says:

Dear Rori

I am stuck up here in the tower of my marriage (23 yrs), feeling angry and frustrated. You sirens out there who are upset at only having sex once a week don’t know how lucky you are – I haven’t had sex with anyone but myself for 17 months now, and it is even longer since that sex could be called ‘making love’! This woman definitely has needs!! I am desperate for a loving intimate relationship but my husband just isn’t interested!

We were childhood sweethearts and neither of us had slept with anyone else until about 11 years ago. By then our marriage had already died but parenting our 4 children kept us together. He had a fling on a business trip abroad but I didn’t find out for sure until about 5 years later, when I told him I had met someone else. He was upset and tried to make things better between us but by then I was hopelessly in love with Prince Charming!

I had met him through a mutual interest and we had so much in common it felt like we were made for each other, of course the sex was fantastic! I carried on seeing my Prince for another 4 years, blissfully unaware of the concept of imaginary relationships and friends with benefits, until he turned back into a frog and hopped off with another princess!

I was utterly devastated and fell into a deep well of depression for 18 months, only being rescued by EFT therapy. Meanwhile my husband had tried to get us back together, we even had sex a few times but while I was still depressed orgasms just triggered emotional pain. I tried not to let it show and felt that the sex was getting better but he just seemed to loose interest again. The very last time was on my 44th Birthday after a good evening out with friends, the next day he acted cold, as though he wished he hadn’t bothered.

At first I made all the classic mistakes, trying to initiate sex and being rejected, cajoling him, getting angry, trying to talk about it, but I just pushed him further away. About a year ago I discovered your website and eventually ordered your e-book and Re-connect CDs. I put the ideas into practice and we stopped arguing, but that was a far as it went.

Then I tried Modern Siren and started to improve my own life. I’ve been a dancer and an artist for many years but over the last few months I have filled my life with things I like to do; I took up swimming and yoga, lost 30lbs (still more to go but I am now only a little overweight), I am training for a professional qualification in body massage and I have got a part-time job which I love. I’ve even made new friends. I am using your tools in my everyday interactions with all people (dropping my thoughts down when I get flustered is a great one!) and trying to un-zipper my heart (although I am still a bit afraid of getting hurt where other men are concerned). I feel SO much better, except when I am with my husband. He is like a black cloud at a picnic!

He seemed pleased when I got the job and he is affectionate towards me, I melt into him but it is all just platonic. He sleeps naked next to me every night and even cuddles up behind me, but he never tries anything more. I never even see him naked because he is always in bed before me and in the morning gets up with his back to me before dashing for his dressing gown. I try not to let it get to me but I am on a monthly hormonal cycle and at certain times of the month I feel SO desperate. I try to love myself but I am a sharing kind of person. I want to be in an intimate, loving, sharing relationship with another human, in and out of the bedroom.

He says he doesn’t think about sex anymore but I suspect he sees to his own needs in the shower!

A couple of months ago frustration got the better of me and I asked him when he was leaving, he admitted that he’d been thinking about it! At first the black cloud lifted but then the rain came down anyway. I had read the post about the woman who braved out her husband’s mid-life crisis so I kept cool and the next day he was in tears saying he didn’t know what to do to get back to how we were. I said we can’t go back, we have to look at what we’ve got now and see how we can make it better! Two months later he is still here, I’m still cooking his dinners (except when I’m at work and he has to organise dinner), washing his clothes and being his teddy bear. I am leaning back but he isn’t coming to me any more than he has to to keep me.
I feel stuck because I can’t leave, this is my home, these are my children, and even after I qualify it will be a long time before I’m able to take on a mortgage.
Some days he throws me a crumb of hope and I commit to ‘us’, but then it never comes to anything and I am out looking (just looking) for other guys! So far they are all either attached or awful!

As for circular dating, well they have to ask me out……….. (waits hopefully!)………………..

So here I sit, up in my tower, gazing at the horizon, which seems so very far away. This fairytale could have one of two happy endings:

1/ I somehow manage to break the enchantment, which turned my husband into a complete jerk and we escape the tower and head off into the sunset together.

2/ A real prince charming turns up and rescues me (this one seems unlikely as I am 45, have 4 children [ok so two are adults] and a truck-load of baggage!).

Can anyone show me the way to happy ever after?

I should mention that I also have the Toxic Men CDs, he came out as borderline toxic/clueless. He comes from a family where his Mum is the controlling masculine energy and his Dad has never been a positive role model. I come from family with a toxic, possessive father (now deceased) and a chronically over-functioning mother!

I also have Commitment Blueprint but I am now so busy circular dating myself that I’ve only got through the first disc.

If you could point me in the direction of the right tools for this job maybe that would help!

Love Rapunzel
xx

Saturday, 14 November 2009 @ 7:21pm
480: Grace Angel says:

Dear Rori,

I just wanted to ask you your advice. I go out with a man who was married and he broke up with his wife some months ago. He fighted for his 2 children to be with them, to take care of them. It is completely finished between him and his wife. But he lives with her and it disturbes me so much. He does not find a decent place to have sex with me. He wants to see me but not so often.Because of my work schedule (the week ends I usually work).
So on one side, I feel loved. But on the other side, I do not hear from him enough. For him, it is enough, but for me not. I am used to another type of relationship. He told me he was considering our future together. I feel ok with him, but without him,,, I feel lonely. I go crazy that he lives with his ex-wife in the same house. I go crazy and not so attractive because we do not have enough sex together. Please advise. Thank you so much Rori.

Sunday, 15 November 2009 @ 9:40am
481: Chrissy says:

Hi
This is further to a post i wrote earlier about my man confessing a secret to me regarding past habits/ behaviour only 2 weeks prior to me moving in with him. I have struggled with my feelings ever since (about 4 weeks). His friends (who knew but kept the secret from me out of loyalty to him) think it is wonderful he has come clean and applaud his efforts at change. And on one hand, so do I (the change is massive). My head keeps saying “much better that he told you rather than you finding out from someone else” but the nasty voice screams “I should not have been the last one to know, that is not fair and why doesnt anyone care about how this has affected me?!”
I have moved in (by that stage I had to because I had handed in my notice to my landlord) but I struggle to come to grips with the anger and betrayal and hurt that have been bubbling away in me. I love this man but feel like I have been lied to for the past 2 years and my head is re-colouring each and every memory of us with his revelation and this is only fuelling my feelings of sadness.
My prior relationship was filled with massive deception and betrayal and nearly destroyed me. Part of my anger is directed at myself for once again failing to “uncover the truth”.
I feel conflicted because I want him to understand the effects of his actions but I also appreciate that he told me and his efforts at change so that we would have a future. I think I need to write a speech to tell him this but do not know where to start. Currently I keep to myself at home and have switched on my self-defence mechanism so I can hide behind a wall of detachment.
Any suggestions would be most welcome…

Sunday, 15 November 2009 @ 11:19pm
482: Desi says:

Chrissy,

Keeping a secret from you is lying. So I think you have every right to feel all the emotions you are feeling right now.

What was your initial reaction when he came clean with you?

It sounds like you’ve been acting distant from him ever since. Is that correct?

A man will respond to you when you are being authentic with him about your feelings. So keeping to yourself at home, and switching to your self defense mechanism probably isnt going in the direction you want it to go because you are not being authentic with him!

It sounds like you have a pretty good grip on how you are feeling, so the beginning of your speech is already written for you.

I feel angry
I feel betrayed
I feel sad

I think the next step would be to let him know what you dont want.

Perhaps “I don’t want to be in a relationship that keeps secrets from each other”? (Not sure if that is blaming, which I know you are not supposed to do in you speech/negotioation. Let’s see if the other ladies agree with this)

Is whatever he has been doing serious enough to be a deal breaker for you? If you feel like you have been heard and understood by him will you be able to move on from this? Or will it always be hiding under the surface bothering you?

Maybe you could write a speech and post it for feedback before you deliver it.

Desi

Sunday, 15 November 2009 @ 11:55pm
483: Chrissy says:

Desi
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment.
In answer to your questions – my first reaction was gratitude that he had told me. I did comment the next day that I was struggling with feelings of anger at him but I have stuffed them down ever since. (they are manifesting themselves in physical ways though – eczema, poor sleep, sore throat etc).
Yes, what he has told me would have been a deal breaker had it not stopped (and had he not told me himself). I think this is the reason (fear of losing me) that he did not tell me earlier. I know that it will not continue. He has made enormous progress over the last six months, entirely off his own bat and I give him huge points for dealing with this before asking me to move in. I believe that the enormity of his achievement and his amazement that he did it has blinded him to any effect his revelation has had on me..
I think if he could just acknowledge and understand and hear how I feel then I should be able to move past it.
And I might take you up on your suggestion re the speech.
Again, thank you. Chrissy xx

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 12:11am
484: Chrissy says:

How about..
I feel angry. I feel furious at myself. I feel sad and I feel betrayed.
I don’t want to feel this way any more. I don’t like how I feel at the moment.

I feel so proud of all that you have achieved and the changes you have made for yourself and I feel enormous gratitude that you told me but I also feel overlooked and the effect on me has not been acknowledged.

I am slowly working through these feelings and the memories that they have dredged up inside me but in order for me to do that, I need you to realise how I am feeling.

Please feel free to critique this – first attempt so I may not have got it right.
PS I live in Australia so it is mid-afternoon Monday here.

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 12:25am
485: Flipper says:

Chrissy,

I feel your speech is marvelous, and communicates clearly and succinctly just what you want to share, i.e. “I think if he could just acknowledge and understand and hear how I feel then I should be able to move past it.” As you noted yourself, “Currently I keep to myself at home and have switched on my self-defence mechanism so I can hide behind a wall of detachment.” was disserving you and although this seems to spare pricking his bubble, your holding back about Your feelings in the matter would work against the ultimate success of your relationship that his achievement is making possible on another front.

Wishing you courage and clarity when you share your speech with him. Hugs

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 5:07am
486: Simply Shannon says:

Do you truly believe if he acknowledged your feelings that you would be able to trust him? Do you trust him now? If this were me, I would feel betrayed and untrusting. He hide a deal breaker from you. In fact, he was doing a “deal breaker” while you were dating. So why isn’t it really a deal breaker for you? Are you hiding from yourself that this is a deal breaker? (Trust me, I’ve BTDT, and I hid it from myself because I “loved” this man.) Do you feel like you have transparency now? I understand feeling hesitant to say anything because I would feel proud of his accomplishment, but this would impact me as well. I would have a lot to sort through, namely can I truly forgive and move on.

Maybe my speech would be:
I feel betrayed and distrustful. I don’t want to be in a relationship where things are hidden. This thing [whatever he was doing] is a deal breaker for me. I want complete transparency. I feel grateful when things are out in the open but I feel anxious not knowing if I would recognize if things are being hidden again. I don’t know if I can feel trust again. What do you think?

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 6:10am
487: la la land says:

hi rory

here is a question that bugs me
it seems every time i fall of the new path, it has to do with self pity.
whats that, and why am I drown to become a victim?

in one of the posts before i mentioned my jealousy problem over his daily communication with his ex.
you responded with there are some limits i should take care of, or something…would you like to elaborate on that?

looking forward to receive the heart connection kit i ordered..

thanks

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 9:48am
488: Rori Raye says:

Grace, if he lives with his wife, he’s not finished with her. This is a TV-show kind of situation. A soap-opera. It’s all very low-class in some ways, and yet, if it’s all about getting custody, it’s possibly a good legal strategy for him. He may be “separated,” but he’s not divorced…and this, with custody issues, takes a LONG time. It’s possible he’s a good guy and that he feels, and this would be true, that his kids come first…and he’s possibly doing whatever he needs to do to get custody. Also – he’s possibly lying, cheating, unreliable…and I don’t understand the privacy issue..are you unable to be at your home because of kids of your own? DO NOT get EXCLUSIVELY involved with this man. It does not sound like a good deal at all. Love, Rori

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 10:15am
489: Rori Raye says:

Rapunzel, Welcome, and I’m so glad you’re a Siren and working with my programs and Tools, and starting to take good care of yourself. My answer is fairly simple – but lots of parts. I’m guessing that the hugest part of this is whatever’s going on with your husband – and it can only be one of these…there’s another woman, or he can’t “get it up.” Not sure how old he is from your letter. When a man starts having erection problems, he just backs away from a woman – especially from a woman he knows. He might be too afraid of not being able to perform that he won’t even try to cheat. The only way out for you, as a Siren, is to discuss these possibilities. The first way to deal with this is to start preparing some speeches around this…and NOW – you must CHANGE EVERYTHING – that Tool is in Commitment Blueprint, I believe – if you need help, we’ll talk about it here…). You can’t be his chief caretaker and be seen as sexy. So STOP all that. Let the house go to seed. See if you can go to the movies, walks, classes with him instead. (Just go alone, and invite him along if he’d like.) You’re doing everything right. The issues with male performance anxiety and when the plumbing stops working well are tremendous. They affect everything. If this is what’s going on, you’ll have to have some real conversations around it. If this isn’t it, and there’s something else going on….just keep doing what you’re doing, Love, Rori

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 10:25am
490: Rori Raye says:

la la, all I can hear in this comment is the “daily communication with ex” – and I wonder if this is a job for Mercedes…..she’s the ‘Boundary Queen.” In order to open your heart and develop your self-esteem – you have to have a firm grasp of your Boundaries – it’s the Siren’s “Rock,” and the first part of the Rori Raye Mantra – and I know you’ll get a lot of help here for this.

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 11:17am
491: Velvetine says:

Hey Rori and sirens,

I read in a recent e letter that you say in Targeting Mr Right that you should always kiss a man if he initiates it.

This confused me as it conflicts with my boundaries so I wanted to find out more.

I may be a little bit of a prude here, but I quite like to be picky about who gets to kiss me and I wouldn’t be comfortable kissing someone I felt no spark or attraction with. It doesn’t have to be a massive thunderbolt before we kiss but it needs to feel good with him first.

I have had a couple of guys try to kiss me and I am so grateful i did not let them as this made me feel stronger and more powerful.

Also, what is your take on chemistry? Is it different to attraction? Because I think of them as pretty similar. Can you have a relationship with a man without feeling this? Or is it only men who need to feel this? Because it’s pretty important to me but maybe that’s why I’m still single for almost 2 years and hardly ever accept a 2nd date invite.

Velvetine

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 11:36am
492: Tara says:

“Steve” and I were in another show together that just closed Saturday night. So far in the relationship, I’ve nearly always been the one to try to schedule dates, etc. This guy is my brand of heroin, and I know it. We have great intellectual compatibility (HUGE for me!), lots in common, etc. (He’s also still married to a wife that beats and abuses him emotionally).

How do I “get clean” and get him out of my system without it looking like I’m just bailing out?

So far, I’ve been the masculine energy person in the relationship. Do I just stop texting him (I’ve texted him first on almost a daily basis), do I ask to talk to him and share my feelings as the e-book shows how to do? We’ve been together over a year, been saying “I love you” for seven months, and even had a plan to get married within three years, and were very close up until a big fight on Oct. 20. We still say “I love you,” but I no longer pin my hopes on this man or expect anything from him. Should I let it fizzle out, just start being the Girl (unannounced), or sit him down for a talk? Help!
Tara

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 12:27pm
493: Mercedes says:

la la: I’m with Rori…I hear the same thing: “daily communication with ex”. Are there children involved with this ex? If not, then there is absolutely NO reason for him to be in contact with her AT ALL. If yes, then if he needs to talk to her daily, weekly, monthly…doesn’t matter…if they are talking because they need to keep each other updated on the children then a HUGE mistake would be to try to come between that. Instead, you will need to focus on getting yourself stronger and understanding that this woman WILL be a part of his life…but that he loves YOU and wants to be with YOU. This is all about self-confidence and being able to handle the fact that he fathered children with another woman and that they need to communicate.

If there are no children involved, then you are putting up with less than you deserve. For me, I have a boundary that J is VERY aware of. That boundary is “no friends of the opposite sex that we’re not both friends with”….and that boundary is because of my jealousy (his too…same “rules” apply). That boundary isn’t for everyone, but it is something I need and I need a man in my life who respects that.

I recently went through a situation with J where a “friend” of ours broke up with her boyfriend (this is someone J dated in the past) and she made it clear to him she was available and wanted to get back together. At that point, she disrespected our relationship and I was PISSED. He and I talked and talked (more than I wanted to, but he was busy trying to explain to me that it was no big deal because HE doesn’t want HER). My stance was that it didn’t matter…neither of us needs people in our lives who disrespect our relationship…ever…and a person (man OR woman – as he sees this stuff much more clearly when it is a man hitting on me) who tries to temp one of us away from the other is not a friend and has no place in our lives. It took some time, but he sees what I mean and he took the steps he needed to take to end the friendship. She is no longer a part of our lives.

And the reason he did that? My boundaries. I will NOT put up with treatment that hurts. I won’t do it. I made it clear to him that I was hurt by this “friend”…no…that WE were hurt by her and, because he knows my boundaries are strong and because he loves me for those boundaries…he saw what I was talking about. But…if my boundaries weren’t strong and he continued to see her and I complained about it but never showed him I wouldn’t put up with it…then we’d still be fighting about her…and I’d still be hurting.

Here’s the thing: We can talk and talk and talk, but if we do nothing to let him know the behavior is a deal-breaker for us…then we are SHOWING him it’s okay. What he sees is that the behavior is fine with us, but we’re bitchy complainers. He just sees us as women who are difficult to be with. But…if we stand firm in those things that are truly deal-breakers and if we hate the behavior (daily contact with the ex) enough to walk away if it continues…then we give them the power to decide just how much they want us. If he says he needs to talk to her and he’s willing to lose us for her…then we know where we stand…and we’re better off. But…if this thing keeps hurting us and yet we do nothing to change it…then it will continue.

For J and I…we both have a boundary that says “no friends with people who want to break us up and no friends with people who the other isn’t friends with as well”…because its a deal-breaker for both of us, it doesn’t take long for the other to see what they need to do (took J a little longer than I thought he would this time, but he knew each and every day how I felt and when he realized he wasn’t going to change my mind but instead, I was changing HIS mind…he came right along).

So….long way of saying: If this is hurting you enough to be a deal-breaker…then tell him it’s a deal-breaker. If this is something you are NOT willing to lose him over or if this involves children…then you need to get stronger and more confident on the inside so that other women will no longer make you so jealous you can’t sleep.

I don’t know if that helped at all, but that’s my take.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 12:49pm
494: Vicki Kerns says:

Why is it that men want to remain friends or keep in contact with their ex’s (ex-wives, ex-girlfriends)??? My ex-friend seemed like he just had to remain friends with every ex; not so much the ex-wife, but all these ex-girlfriends. I’m guessing that part of his reasoning is 1) to absolve himself of any guilt or hurt feelings, 2) to make himself feel better or look like the better person, and/or 3) he’s just a big weenie.

One of the (several) reasons he’s now my ex-friend is that he was treating his ex-girlfriend (who treated him like crap and used him) better and with more respect than he was treating me, the friend who has stood by him no matter what.

Out of all the men I’ve dated over the years, I’m still friends with one really nice guy. I’ve never felt the burning desire or need to remain friends with my ex’s. Once it’s done, it’s done, baby!

And I don’t mean they have to be hateful towards them, but they sure as heck don’t need to be buddies, ya know what I mean!

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 2:35pm
495: tinque says:

Not all do Vicki. I’m with you. I don’t feel the need, nor do I have the desire to remain in contact with exs. What’s done is done.
K feels he same way as I. So there must be other men out there like K.
Many women do this too by the way.
xxoo

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 2:40pm
496: Matina says:

Hello everyone!

Just to let you know, that everything Rori says works!

I think I have managed to do what I have been trying to do for 4 years now: change my vibe from a hopeless victim trying to get a decent man, and get over my ex to a fabulous diva with self esteem and reasonable boundaries!. what hapened is amazing! I decided to circular date, so I tryed a speed dating game and now I have 4 men trying to get dates, and are available whenever I can see them, and do whatever pleases me! as a result, I think because I feel I have options, I have attracted two more men from my friendly environment who call and pursue me, and a man I was desperate to see, makes eye contact whenever I am around, and tryes to talk to me leaning forward( I am always leaning back with everyone). I love it!!!! finally my ex, as if he felt it or something, contacted me with a text message to wish me on my nameday, while I was on a date!
I have a question though: There is a guy I like more among those that pursue me, with whom I would consider having a relationship. he has done everything right, calls, treats me great and everything, and although we havent kissed, I think he is the only one I would consider kissing(I know you disagree on this Rori but I dont feel comfortable kissing every guy I go out).I do have coffe dates with everyone else, but I gave this one an evening date for a drink, and allowed myself to stay a little longer than an hour. I have to say I enjoyed these dates (two) considerably more than those with the rest!. I am not pursuing anything, I let him and everyone call and communicate and I only respond(this is the right thing to do, right?). So my question is, is it okay if I have a proper relationship with this one, and just have coffe dates with the rest? how do I tell him?
Thank you for giving me my self esteem back, and allowing me to discover my real value, and the way to do things right Rori!Just to let you know I have organised my life in a way that gives my daily pleasure, and I see that other men are just amazed about being in it! Your targetting Mr Right is great by the way!
Love Matina

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 2:41pm
497: Rapunzel says:

Hi Rori,
Thankyou. I will spend more time with Commitment Blueprint as I just don’t know how to approach this subject. I have tried talking to him (not recently though) about possible erection problems and suggested that it might be just a hormonal imbalance that could be sorted out by a visit to a doctor, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He just laughed it off with “There’s nothing wrong with me!”. I even bought him Michele Weiner-Davis’s book “When He’s Not In The Mood” which really explains how rejected the woman feels but it didn’t get us anywhere.

I have just had a dreadful weekend at the peak of my monthly frustration cycle. Last evening we watched the film ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ – at opposite ends of the sofa because he was comfortable stretched out and didn’t want to cuddle! It is full of scenes of lust and passion, but at the end he just said goodnight and went up to bed to read. He doesn’t seem to care how I feel about all this.

Thankfully my period started today so the hormonal flood will recede and I’ll be able to cope again, but why should I have to?!

He is 46, only a year older than me, but he might as well be 86.

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 2:45pm
498: Chrissy says:

Well I did the speech and it seems to have worked. At first he did not respond as I expected (be surprised hey) and was defensive but after the discussion which flowed on, I now feel that even if he never fully understands how his actions made me feel, at least I know I have done all I could to express how I felt to him (if that makes sense?).

I felt an almost immediate sense of relief which reassured me that I was not seeking to punish him but to just make myself heard. And today I woke up without the sense of anxiety that has plagued me for weeks.

Simply Shannon – My anxiety was not driven by doubt or distrust. I do trust him whole-heartedly and have complete confidence this situation will never be repeated. Please be assured I am not in denial about this man but thank you so much for your concern.

He has made enormous changes in his lifestyle because he knew my boundaries regarding those things and he wants a future with me. I have never asked him to change – I have simply expressed what I did not want (thank you so much Rori for the tools that allowed me to do that). He decided that he would make these changes before stepping up to claim me (in this case ask me and my children to move in with him) but he did not tell me that he was doing this or that it was even necessary and it was that deceit (because as mentioned it would have been a dealbreaker) that made me feel so angry and betrayed. But i dont believe I can punish him for a past transgression that has no bearing (apart from the feelings it stirred in me) on my present or future. And I feel proud that I was able to communicate this to him without bursting into tears (an annoying habit of mine lol).
Flipper – thank you so much for your positivity and gentleness, your words gave me a real boost.
Chrissy xx

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 9:07pm
499: Rori Raye says:

Velvetine, my guess is you’re not allowing attraction to develop. Chemistry is out of your control in some ways, in other ways it is under your control. If you read all my posts, you’ll see how I feel about eroticism, and what turns us on. There is nothing about refusing a kiss with a nice man you are decently attracted to (or at least not grossed out by) that is powerful or strong. It’s merely “defended.” On the other hand, if it doesn’t FEEL RIGHT – then refusing the kiss is following your feelings. If kissing a man doesn’t improve for you over a few dates, then forget it – it won’t get better – but often, a man you are not physically attracted to simply wins you over, and you suddenly find you ARE attracted to him. We can be attracted to men we may have found “ugly.” There are other qualities that turn us on. Personal authority in a man is about the sexiest thing ever, and often we don’t even notice that until we’ve been with him a few hours. Love, Rori

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 10:00pm
500: Confused says:

Hi Rori,

I am currently in a relationship with a man who has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time. Right now, we are long-distance, which is tough, but we have a date when we will be able to be in the same location again, see each other on a regular basis, and feel very blessed and secure with each other.

My question is in regards to other men i meet: is it possible to be just friends with another man? I feel like whenever I meet a guy who i get along with (at work or through mutual friends), he either tries to make a move or tells me he wants to be more than friends. Am i just kidding myself thinking men and women can be just friends or am i sending out signals i’m not aware of? I feel like most guys in their 20s (which i also am) are looking to score or date. Once they find out i am not interested (not to mention involved with someone else, a fact they always are told and tend to ignore), they either really push for me and it gets creepy, or they act like i never existed at all. Ultimately, how do interact with other men when i am not looking for romance with them? Or is it even worth it?

I feel like this might be the opposite of some of the questions posted, but if you can help, i’d appreciate it. If not, keep up the great work – you’ve been an inspiration to my girlfriends and i!

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 10:02pm
501: Daria says:

Chrissy I don’t believe bursting into tears is an annoying habit! I feel triggered reading you referring to it as such! Your Goddess tears are Goddessy capish?

I personally LOVE my tears and yes I can see how i would feel uncomfy bursting into them with a man i like but it STILL would be lovely even if i “thought” it sucked.

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 11:45pm
502: Daria says:

OOH FUCK YEAH!

Personal AUTHORITY i love that one Rori. STEAL!

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 11:47pm
503: Daria says:

I love men with Personal Authority!!! HA

Monday, 16 November 2009 @ 11:48pm
504: Desi says:

Mercedes,

I am intrigued by your recent personal boundries post. How does one lay out boundries like that without “controlling” the man?

Desi

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 12:34am
505: Desi says:

Chrissy,

I am glad to hear your speech went well for you!

Desi

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 12:35am
506: Rori Raye says:

Confused, being friends with a man who wants you and who you have no intention of getting past friendship with is kind of fun – if it’s all up front. I don’t want YOU to do that – be friends with a man you want who doesn’t want you…but HE can do it if he wants. It’s all about your comfort level. And no – you can’t really be friends if either one of you wants the other for more. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 1:08am
507: Flipper says:

Thanks for sharing your very encouraging ‘speech success story’, Chrissy. I Wish I could burst into tears more easily – at least they start to well up a little now.

Desi, Mercedes has a blog (click on her name), where she spells all that out and follows it up.

Rapunzel – I can feel your frustration. On the surface, everything’s there but in reality just out of reach. Some thoughts, about His Stuff: if he’s having any professional cares (iffy job, business down etc.) maybe he’s not feeling so up to the competition that your new you seems to be making stiffer. If it were me, I’d step up the married woman’s circular dating, add in some dance classes to get a little touchy feely-ness, and try marriage counseling, even by myself if he refused to go. And as you have had some hard discussions that don’t get anywhere, I’d try backing way off, like the woman that you mentioned. My resentment at being refused so many times for so long would be showing through all my efforts by now, so I’d really try to leave all that aside. I ‘d feel baited if my man curled up beside me in the bed that way and wouldn’t initiate or respond to me. And now, instead of what I always did before, I’d move further away from him, even ever so slightly, or turn a different way that didn’t fit anymore. And whenever there was an occasion where a little physical act that would normally be there but wasn’t (a hug, peck on the cheek etc.), I would let him see me backing away. In fact, I have done this: hugged and rocked myself, in his presence, comforting myself and just sinking into the sadness of the moment. For myself, not paying attention if he noticed or not, stayed or left. If he asked about any of this, I might say things like: it feels hard for me to be next to the man I’m feeling desire for and nothing happens (or I don’t feel any desire coming towards me). It feels tantalizing, and I don’t want to feel hungry for what is spread before me but not available. I feel better not pretending I feel fine when you’re near when I don’t. I feel like a little lost girl and no lap to climb on.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 3:07am
508: Velvetine says:

Thank you Rori,

Oh the guys I don’t kiss are definitely icky to me for some reason. So it feels strong to not just let them kiss me when I don’t want to. I’m happy and open to sexy decent guys kissing me. But I meet lots of decent guys who are dull/ugly/insecure/arrogant/odd. I really try to give them a chance but I feel empty inside. I guess excitement, similar values and attraction feel important to me.

Anyway, I have joined 3 dating sites and so have got loads of interest. I can’t date 300 guys as I want to spend time on me and friends and work and volunteering too. So how do you choose who to respond to?

I am used to following my gut instincts and chemisty and attraction. But I am also wary of these things as I don’t want to follow old obsessive and miserable patterns of not getting my needs met. So, without these things I have no barometer and just feel blankness/emptiness/apathy.

I am stabbing in the dark meeting random men and experimenting but not much is making me feel excited.

How do others choose what men to respond to on dating sites? It feels easier in person as then things develop naturally.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 4:01am
509: la la land says:

thank you rori and mercedes

i think what happened here is that i lost him completely for one moment
in the process he entered female friends to his life for emotional support.
the pick of that was entering the ‘ex’ wich was a total tabou all this years, since i forbidened her presence.
now we take it day by day.
we are perents of young children and we dont want to throw away it all, so we try to see whats going on.
this is an urgent situation for few month now.
i practice the tools to make it better, but i dont have a clairity how making ultimatum is the clever idea here..
he is testing me [ok and i am testing him , but..]
and i want to do good in this test of having our marriage contuinue into a new chapter.
maybe once i learned to open my heart, to control my emotions and drama, to raise my difficulty – maybe than i can be clear about somekind of an ultimatum…
for now, will entering male friends into my life will be a wise direction?

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 4:17am
510: Lisa says:

Need advise..My question is..what do I do next or should I say more?
I finally had the committment talk again with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. The first talk was 5 mos ago where I had no idea how to talk to him. He said he was not ready. After Rory’s committment blueprint and book I was ready to try it again. I must say it came out exactly as planned. We have 2 homes as we live together every other week when I do not have my children.
I explained to him that I feel I am ready for more of a committment than the exclusive girlfriend and why. I went on to say that I would remain exclusive while he thinks about it! As I started out of the room his comment to me was..It sounds like an ultimatum. I replied that it was not meant to be that way.

We then went to bed where I could not sleep all night. I got up this morning at 5am and kissed him/said I couldn’t sleep and went home. I realize I couldn’t be next to him.
Since this is very unusual that I leave..he texted me on my way home “is everything alright?”
I texted him back “well, I do feel a bit rejected at our conversation last night..but I’m ok. I need for you to know that I am feeling ready for a different level of committment and although I try not to go there I know that is what my heart needs!”
Now what? Stay away from it?? Or should I back out of my text?
By the way..the committment blueprint worked exactly the way you stated up until my speech. I obviously need to order your modern siren and other programs as well…thanks for your dedication to helping all woman!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 6:38am
511: Uschi says:

Rori

I so agree with you on this “but often, a man you are not physically attracted to simply wins you over, and you suddenly find you ARE attracted to him. We can be attracted to men we may have found “ugly.” There are other qualities that turn us on. Personal authority in a man is about the sexiest thing ever, and often we don’t even notice that until we’ve been with him a few hours”

when I first met Dave I was not at all attracted to him at all because he is not the best looking specimen of men on earth and he has red hair (whats left of it) and I swore I would never date a redheaded guy –
(I was a redhead in school more of a golden copper but still kid would tease me make fun of me and beat me up on the way home so my thing was that if I dated a redhead I’d have redheaded kids and I wasn’t gonna put them through what I went through my hair color changed as I got older and now its from the bottle )
and he is skinny as a rail 5’9 – but then I got to know him and I was attracted in a different way a much more mature way (I think) where the inside counts and not the looks and it was a first for me – now I don’t care about his looks so much but what is in his eyes his presence his honesty the way he cares and is with everyone around him the way he can be quite shy at times and the way he sometimes surprises me – he always tells me that when I ask him if he can do a specific thing like playing the piano that he cant – yet he sat down on my keyboard and started playing – he cant play guitar or so he told me but I have one and he plays and rather well too – I asked him if he can dance and he keeps telling me he cant but I bet you $100 bucks that should we ever get to a social function where he has to he will dance a walz that makes everyone envious. – he told me he learned the violin when he was in Vietnam but his buddy who was teaching him got called away and he lost his teacher – though I know if he would pick up a violin today he would still be able to play it.

I am sure men are at times as insecure about their looks as we are and when it comes to the STAFF that’s yet another big thing they can be very insecure about – also look at nature there you can see often times that it is the male who is so much more colorful to attract the female which is usually less colorful and at times almost drab looking in comparison to the male – look at cardinals the birds – in nature it is for the male to attract and for the female to choose and in most species it is for breeding purposes only and to protect the female and the young ones the female is so much less colorful – with us humans its us women who wear the colors the lipstick the make up the fancy clothes and show legs and boobs men don’t have that much in the way of clothing options suit, pants, t-shirt jeans and to me a man in a tux is about the sexiest thing – when Dave needs to wear one he calls it having to dress up like an adult he just likes his jeans or tan pants – I used to tell him how sexy he looks in a tux.

I just had a funny thought – lets get the men to dress up colorful and showing off what they got including making them wear a holder for their staff that has to be in constant erection mode so we see what we get before we choose – let them strut their stuff before us – that would be a funny sight.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 7:36am
512: la la land says:

well, here is a thought,
what do i have to be jealous in other woman he flirt with, or actually has a friendship with, if our life together are good.
i was miserable over his search for female emotion and intimacy, but only because i didnt know how to do that myself, and we were living in la la land, hostail, drama, anger etc.
well now i do. [well i practice anyway, and at times it works and its amazing] he can meet as many girlfriends as he want, all he will have to talk about is how great his wife is..

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 7:47am
513: la la land says:

and a feeling massage:
i feel so relieved, like i went through a very thick wall, and came through. i can breath again.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 7:52am
514: Mercedes says:

Desi: Flipper is right…my blog is a good place to see the whole story because it is certainly a long one and was quite the process to get there. In short, I wasn’t AT ALL controlling him. I was finally controlling ME. He was free to leave at any time (still is if that’s what he wants…as a matter of fact, though it hurt a lot, at one point, I was the one to walk away because I was not getting my needs met) and though him leaving would have hurt soooo much, I knew in the long run it would be better because I absolutely NEED a man who can give me what is most important to me (and the “most importants” are outlined in my boundaries)…if I’m hurting because something is really important to me and he can’t/won’t give it to me…then I’m with the wrong man. I need a man who wants to give me what I need because he could never imagine hurting me. When I talk about boundaries, I’m not talking about desires…I’m talking about what I NEED in order to be happy and I don’t want a relationship with a man if I’m not happy.

An example would be my boundary of no illegal drugs. I have no place in my life for it. I have a job that does random drug testing and if I were to test positive because I sat a little too close to my boyfriend one night while he was smoking pot…I would lose my job. I’ve worked REALLY hard to get where I am and I refuse to lose it all over something like that. So my tolerance level is at zero. So let’s say J decided he couldn’t/wouldn’t respect that boundary. I would be anxious and upset everytime he smoked a joint wondering if I was getting some of it or if I was going to test positive, etc. I’d feel that way every single time. I’d be unhappy…and I’d be with the wrong guy because that boundary says I need a drug free man. If I’m with a man who isn’t drug free, then…it isn’t a boundary and I’m willing to be upset and I’m not willing to lose him over it. To be a boundary, it must me incredibly strong and it must be something you demand for yourself, not just something you want but are willing to sacrifice…it is a demand for YOURSELF. You don’t control a man (I don’t say “J, you can’t smoke pot”), you control yourself (I say “J, what I need in my life is a drug free boyfriend.”) and you let him decide what he wants to do with that (he chooses to stay drug free or not…you choose to walk away of the answer is “not”).

(PS: I’m not saying a guy can’t make a mistake and that there are no second chances…sometimes we forgive and move on, sometimes we realize he never knew it was a boundary but now he does, etc. There are second chances, but once that happens, you don’t keep giving chance after chance after chance…does that make sense? I guess for me, the words “I’m sorry” mean “I’ll never do it again”…that’s enough for me. If the words “I’m sorry” really mean “I’ll try harder not to get caught next time” then…well…see ya!).

Flipper: I love what you said to Rapunzel!!! That’s exactly what I would do too. It hurts so much to be physically close to a man and yet feel so emotionally and sexually far away. I’d rather be lonely on the other side of the bed than lonely in his arms. Rapunzel…if you take this advice, he’ll probably ask why you moved away from him. If it were me, I’d either say what Flipper said (I love all of that) or I’d simply tell him it hurts too much to be in his arms and feel so far away. Flipper’s advice is like the in bed version of leaning back. I love it!

la la: I’m not talking about an ulimatum. I’m talking about boundaries. If this isn’t a deal-breaker for you, then it isn’t a boundary and as long as you’re okay with it, then let it continue. If it is tearing you up inside though…that’s when boundaries come in to play. This isn’t about saying “if you do this then I’m leaving”. This is about saying “I’m leaving because I can’t be hurt anymore by the fact that you need to be in contact with your ex.” What he does with that is no concern of yours. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself no matter what he does. If you’re not willing to demand that sort of treatment for yourself (and I’m not talking about demanding it from HIM…I’m talking about demanding it for your own life), then its not a boundary. Right now, it seems like you have a desire for him to stop contact, but you’re willing to allow the contact as long as you can have him in your life. In that case, there is nothing you can do. He’s aware of your desire and will do what he chooses…either give you that desire or not. A boundary is something very, very firm and something you don’t negotiate with. A boundary is a need, not a desire and something you MUST have in your life. It is less an “ultimatum” and more a “fact of life”. A boundary is a need you don’t negotiate with.

If you can live with your man being friends with other women and you can feel good about it and not feel hurt, angry or jealous…then that’s really cool. It works for you. But if it hurts or upsets you…thats really NOT cool. It so much depends on how YOU feel.

As far as entering male friends into your life being a wise direction, that depends on your motivation for doing so. If you want to do it so you can open your mind and heart to other people and maybe potentially a new love…then YES…you should go for it. If your motivation is to make him jealous or to try to get him to feel the same way you feel when he’s in contact with other women, then NO. My advice is to do what feels good and right in your own heart without concern for “How will this affect how he feels about me?”. What you do and say and think and feel should be all about how it affects your life and your dreams…and never his life or his dreams. When you are able to do this, what happens is a man sees a woman who is whole and good and happy all on her own…then he decides if that is a woman he wants to be with…then YOU decide if that is the kind of man you want in your life. But the only outcome you should be looking for is “How will this improve my life?” If the outcome you are looking for instead is “How will this improve my relationship?” then your motivation is off and it will eventually backfire on you.

It is said all the time…focus on YOU and everything will get better. I’m a firm believer in that because it is absolutely the ONLY thing that worked for J and I! When I focused on ME and I set my boundaries in stone…well…that’s when we truly fell in love at a level so much more intimate than anything I ever imagined.

Lisa: I don’t know what your next move should be, but I love how you handled it all so far (especially when you were feeling disconnected and you went home…I LOVE that part!) and if it were me, I’d drop it for a time. He knows how you feel, now for me, I would give him some time to process that and I’d be thinking a LOT about circular dating.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 7:55am
515: Uschi says:

la la land

He can look at the menu but he can’t order type of thing LOL

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 8:41am
516: Mercedes says:

Here’s an answer I gave to a follower in an email…I think it fits perfectly right here to help explain where I stand on boundaries and why, although they may seem harsh, they are actually very, very feminine:

For me, boundaries are about the most feminine thing I can think of. Feminine women stand up for themselves because they love themselves so much that they can think of nothing better to do than cherish who they are and what they need.

If boundaries seem harsh it is because they are solid. It is totally up to you how and when you do it (because they are true deal-breakers) so nobody can tell you when to set them or even what they should be.

Men usually resist them at first (to test you and see how strong you are and how much you really meant it) so if you can’t be strong, then they aren’t really boundaries…they are more like suggestions. Once a man sees you mean it and you are solid in it, that’s when they choose to either honor them or not. I’ve never met a man who didn’t respect a woman for her boundaries. Sometimes, those boundaries are something they want to do for her and sometimes, they let her walk away, but I’ve NEVER seen a situation where a man thought a woman was weak or less feminine or worthless because she knew what she needed and she demanded it for herself.

For me, respect from my man is just as important to me as love is. I need it and yes…I have a boundary that I will always be treated with respect by my man. He’s made a few mistakes since we originally talked about boundaries (as have I) but once I explain to him how he crossed one (usually, he didn’t see that he was – for example – disrespecting me so he didn’t even realize he had crossed a boundary) he moves VERY quickly to remedy the situation.

Setting boundaries however should only happen when you are absolutely ready to stand by them. Anything less and he’ll see it as less and he’ll find it very hard to learn to respect them in the future…even when you really are ready. For me, I had to really get in touch with my anger (at myself and at him) before I was able to set boundaries. Before that, I had none and he treated me as though I had none. I take full responsibility for that. Now, I have strong ones and if he ever treats me as though I don’t…well…that will be HIS mistake and I will not take any of that on.

Does that make sense?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 9:08am
517: Vicki Kerns says:

Mercedes, what a profound statement, ” I knew in the long run it would be better because I absolutely NEED a man who can give me what is most important to me (and the “most importants” are outlined in my boundaries)…if I’m hurting because something is really important to me and he can’t/won’t give it to me…then I’m with the wrong man. I need a man who wants to give me what I need because he could never imagine hurting me.”

That is SO true! My ex-friend couldn’t and wouldn’t give me what I wanted, but he led me to believe that we could have something “really special down the road.” Which was a really crappy cop-out to let himself out of the situation easier. And besides a few other items, that is one of the main reasons I broke off our friendship. Besides the whole stupid getting involved deeply with a friend mess, if he was truly the friend he professed he was to me, he wouldn’t have been a wussy and taken the easy way out.

And he really thought he could just back away and still be friends. Bwammmmpppp! Wrong curtain, dipshit. You are the weakest link, good-bye!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 9:08am
518: Mercedes says:

VK: Your story reminds me of what happened with J and I…only we went back and forth on who wanted to keep the friendship…lol!!

I broke up with him once (because the long distance got to be too much for me) and I wanted to remain friends. He couldn’t handle me calling him a friend. He said all the right words and we were back together.

The next time we broke up, I was heartbroken and I “ended the friendship” by saying to him “I cannot be your friend”…those words broke his heart because he thought we would always be friends and he couldn’t bear to lose me totally, so he again said all the right words and we were back together. I let him say all the right words though because even though I said “I cannot be your friend”, I was still his friend. We both knew it too.

Then, he broke his commitment to me.

At that point, I finally meant what I said. “I cannot be your friend.” I…well…let’s just say I got angry as hell…used ZERO feeling messages…told him EXACTLY what I thought of him…threw all my stuff into a suitcase and stormed out of his house telling him not only will we never be friends, he will NEVER even see me again.

I went home and set solid boundaries because I was so angry at myself and I knew without a doubt I never wanted to make those mistakes again…I knew I would never put up with less than I deserved and I knew I deserved to be loved, cherished and respected.

Slowly, J did a lot of work on himself while I dated other men and learned to enjoy life. Finally, he convinced me to talk to him (I’d been totally ignoring him for a very long time) and…well…long, long story short, we ended up back together and he is well aware of my boundaries and the kind of things that are deal-breakers for me.

At this point, we are together forever. If we weren’t, we would be APART forever because I cannot and will not be friends with a man who has my heart. He and I proved time and time again that it simply doesn’t work…I wouldn’t even try again.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 10:22am
519: Vicki Kerns says:

Thanks Mercedes. It’s so helpful to hear other insights. I’ve learned so much from this breakup, the hard way. I guess it had to happen with this man that I loved so much (and was so addicted to) so that it would finally sink in that I deserve so much more than the few crumbs that have been tossed my way. I’d been friends with this man for several years and he has crossed my path with more than a passing interest twice now. Except this last time, I let go of everything I hold dear (me, that is) just to take what little affection he threw to me.

And I know I did sooooo many things wrong. I’d have probably backed away too had I been in his shoes. And I know deep down that he is a nice guy. He’s just dumber than a box of hair when it comes to women (and he told me so himself several months ago). It’s so true that men want what they can’t have, and I offered myself, my gifts, my time, and my friendship to him on a silver platter. And he did almost nothing to deserve it, except pay me quite a bit of attention in the beginning.
Then I took up the oars and rowed like a crazy woman.

Live and learn. And even if this man should happen to pass my way again, I am solid in my determination that neither he, nor any other man, will ever get past my boundaries again. I will not be taken advantage of, I will not be used, and I will be treated with the respect, love, and affection that I so soundly deserve, because I’m a damn great lady and I won’t settle for less anymore.

I know he’s got some more life lessons to learn. I hope that he can learn them, or he will end up going through woman after woman, and ending up lonely. Maybe that’s what he wants. Maybe he’s too afraid to stretch for more. That is his problem. And I cannot be a friend to help catch him. And I know how “karma” works. This too shall come back around to him. Too bad I’ll be on a date and won’t be around to see it.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 11:15am
520: Simply Shannon says:

Vicki – I felt my heart burning as I was reading your last post to Mercedes. Your story feels like my story. Wow. You captured my feelings and my story perfectly. Feels so good to see someone else going through it and feeling the same things! (I hate that any of us are dealing with these things but I hope you know what I mean.)

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 11:34am
521: clairabelle says:

Hi

not sure how this comment page works, but here goes.
I am looking for some advice and help.

Me and my boyfriend of two year have recently broken up.

We have had our issues, one of the main problems is my luck of trust.. this stems from a previous relationship.

I get this terrible paranoia and look through his phone, emails etc.. he has been very patient with me up until recently when he just had enough.

I don’t know what comes over me, It starts small and then I get myself so wound up. anyway to cut the story down, last night he said he wanted me back, but I did not know if I was fully ready, I love him and want to get back together, but lately we have still been arguing and I want that to stop before we get back together. he admitted that in the 2nd week of us splitting up he had been out with another woman and had seen her twice I have found this hard to deal with so last night after telling him I needed a bit more time I hada very sleepless night and I called this woman and sent her text messages as I had found her number on his phone. This has now caused all sorts of problems with him saying he can’t take me back now as I am still behaving this way..

I don’t know what to do, I want to stop being paranoid and I want us to start having fun together again.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 12:51pm
522: Vicki Kerns says:

Thanks Simply Shannon! It’s really amazing to see just how many of us great ladies are going through relatively the same ordeals. The crap we put ourselves through for the attentions of a man. It’s crazy, ya know?

I am listening to my tools and continuing to grow stronger every day. And every day, I feel less like throwing darts at old photos of him that I come across. Baby steps. I practice forgiveness every day, for myself and for him. But it’s really hard to “just let it go” as everyone keeps telling me. You can’t just shut it off, well at least I can’t. I wish it was that easy. But every day it gets a bit easier.

This weekend is the 2nd anniversary of my mom’s passing. Last year at this time was the weekend I first came back to town and he was really great about showing me such an incredible weekend, like he really wanted me back in his life. I do say thanks for those times that he gave me. But I’m learning to let go of the rest.

I’m working on the dating thing. I have ads on Match.com and eHarmony. I’ve had a few winks, but nothing else yet. I’m working on losing some weight and feeling better about myself (weight’s always been an easy thing to hide behind). Another thing that I am thankful to him for was that he never, ever made me feel fat. Weight was not an issue for him so I know it’s that way for other good men too.

But I’m losing weight for me, for my health and my self-esteem. Hang in there ladies. It’s not easy, but we can do it.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 1:13pm
523: la la land says:

well here is a thing:
i fell for rory’s path because she stand for letting go and not trying to change your man. trusting yourself and not his behavior. outgirling all the other females in the world. i much rather go for these values then i can’t stand this pain its too scary.
i dont want to be dependent for my happiness on someones else behavior. if we recommended circular dating within relationship as a good thing for us – why not for them? dont mans have issue of self confidence and other stuff to solve in their lifes? can i really be all his insparation for all his life? cant he learn and take massages from other weman like we do from other man all the time? what if he likes someone ? cant she be part of his life? arent we both reacher that way? maybe she does for him something i dont and then he brings it home to me? as mentioned here these is all within watching the manu and not eating – there ‘s a solid line. [ but as rory said - the quality of the conection is the main thing not the rules]
if there is a need for comunication of his part with someone,
1. i want to be able to be calm about it,
2. if we are good between us – what the f— do i care? maybe i can benefit..

what do you think?

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 2:04pm
524: T.R. says:

Well, as many of you know I have been struggling with my boyfriend of almost a year, wanting more of a committment, but not getting. I just discovered two days ago that he has been e-mailing his ex and telling her “I love you”. When I talked to him about this he had many excuses. I have told him that I no longer feel like I can trust him, and that this relationship is now over. He called 20 plus times in one night, leaving messages ranging from him telling me that he loves me and that he is sorry to calling me selfish and a coward for choosing to not talk to him in person. I feel angry and I feel hurt. But, I feel happy that I have told him he can not be a part of my life now. He continues to call me and ask for my forgiveness, but I don’t trust him now (obviously). I hope he will learn to respect my boundaries of it being over, because this is a deal breaker. I feel so betrayed. And the funny thing is he told me that he told her that he loves her because he loves all of his ex’s, but that he is “in love” with me. I responded by stating that his actions don’t show he is in love with me and that I am not going to be lied to, betrayed or disrespected.
This is a first for me, to be lied to so blatently. Have I responded well? I am hoping he will stop calling so I can heal.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 3:31pm
525: tinque says:

T.R. – Wow. You’re amazing. Absolutely amazing.
xxoo

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 3:37pm
526: Velvetine says:

T.R. I agree – wow.

I’m so proud of you to be able to do what you did. That feels so strong. I want to learn from this.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 3:44pm
527: Mercedes says:

la la: My comments about boundaries was based on your earlier comment about feeling jealous. If that’s not really the case and you are fine with him communicating with other women and it doesn’t hurt you and you feel you can learn from what he brings home, no boundary needed. I got the feeling you were hurting which is a totally different thing.

T.R.: I don’t know if you responded in the “right way”…I don’t even know if there is a “right way”…but in my personal opinion, you responded beautifully and I totally understand the feeling of wanting him to stop calling so you can heal. I’ve been there. My heart goes out to you and I will be thinking of you…I’m with Tinque…You’re Absolutely Amazing!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 3:57pm
528: T.R. says:

Tinque and Velvetine,

Thank you both so much. I have learned and continue to learn so much from this site, all of you and the tools. There is SO MUCH support, encouragement and love on this site and I think we are all strong, wonderful women. I am sure I will have weak moments of wanting to listen to him, but I also know that I can’t allow that. All of us women here are learning so many new things, including respect for ourselves. I appreciate you all so much.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 4:01pm
529: T.R. says:

Thank you so much Mercedes, and all of you. I feel lots of strength from the support of you wonderful women!!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 4:38pm
530: la la land says:

hi mercedes, i was very miserable over this for many years maybe its over now. i hope. this is a breakthrough for me..

Wednesday, 18 November 2009 @ 5:50am
531: Vicki Kerns says:

T.R., I feel like you did the absolute right thing. As Rori says, it’s not about trusting a man, it’s about trusting yourself and your boundaries and your strengths.

Men generally “want their cake and eat it too.” If he’s been telling someone else he loves her and he loves all his ex’s (man, do I relate to that one), then there’s something in him that refuses to let go of them. For whatever his real reasons are (yes, and I’m all tooooo familiar with the old “excuse making” – yuck!), there’s something inside of him that he hasn’t identified as yet that compels him to hold on. Maybe it’s guilt, maybe he needs to feel like he’s “above” all them in some respect (“I still love you, so that proves I’m a great person). Who knows?

But YOU don’t have to put up with it. If it’s out of your comfort zone and your boundaries, you don’t have to make concessions. Stick to your guns. I know it’s difficult. I miss my ex’s friendship and companionship, but he has moved on, and so have I.

Take care and stay strong.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009 @ 10:15am
532: T.R. says:

Vicki,

Thank you. I think that there is a bit of him needing to feel like he is “above” them. And this is definately way out of my comfort zone. I can appreciate being friends with an ex, I can’t appreciate him telling her that he loves her. For me this is way over the line. I know that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but like I told him, I am not second to anyone and I will not be treated like I am. It will be difficult to not have that companionship and he has asked me several times to reconsider breaking up with him. My heart tells me I have to walk away, and even though I have weak moments, I am done.

Thank you for your kind words Vicki.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009 @ 6:26pm
533: DocK says:

T.R.

Been following your journey. Your strength and layers of expansion and growth within yourself – amazing!!!

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 7:49am
534: la la land says:

well here is my take on the ex subject: how can we blame a man for seeking something at his ex’s if we hadnt opened our hearts leaned back and learn to speak feeling massages. isnt it us that pushed him there?

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 7:57am
535: Trixie says:

I just want to know if having a “deadline” in your own mind is leaning forward or being masculine or against what Rori is teaching. As in, after my speech, we discussed that I am living with him “working” toward marriage. I also stated I will not wait another year or even 6 months for him to commit. He understood and agreed but also said when “he’s ready, he’ll be ready and it may be a week, a month or two months he doesn’t know”. I have been living with him for one month going on 2 months already. Leaning back and truly doing Rori’s rules and what she teaches has helped in HUGE ways. He apologizes, helps around the house. I have been taking care of myself and daughter, taking classes, doing things for me and being very busy. He has come a LOT closer. But in my head and heart, I can’t “wait and wait” for him to step up. I have a deadline in my own mind, not spoken to him and it won’t be, of February. This will be close to 6 months of living together. Is that a boundary or is that leaning forward and being masculine to decide to move out in February if he doesn’t propose? I’ve had 3 years of waiting. I’ve had enough. Please let me know if I’m doing the right thing. Waiting and waiting feels bad to me.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 9:12am
536: Vicki Kerns says:

Trixie – I’d like to hear Rori’s take on this too. I think what you’re doing (leaning back, doing things for you, etc.) is a wonderful beginning, but I’d almost venture to say that letting him know that you have a deadline of Feb. is almost like issuing an ultimatum (and we all know that men hate ultimatums, the poor dolts). I’m thinking that in the back of his mind, he’s thinking “Well, I have 6 months before I HAVE to do anything, and then maybe I can sweet talk her into waiting a little longer…” Men love to give excuses and the old “when he’s ready, he’ll be ready” is just another excuse to put off a decision he needs to make.

I feel like you should definitely keep the Feb. deadline. You’ve already had the discussion with him, so he’s well aware of it. But I think you should definitely begin looking into other avenues for you and your daughter if Feb. comes and he doesn’t make a move.

If allowed, some guys will think they can just get away with anything. I let my ex-friend walk all over me and didn’t say a word. Stick to what is best for you and your daughter. If he sees that either with or without him, you and your daughter plan to keep moving ahead, he will either get on the train or get off. It’s amazing how they do a double-take when they actually see that you are strong and putting yourself (and your daughter) first.

I hope things work out for you. We’ll all be keeping our fingers crossed for you. Take care.

La la land – I really feel that we share a lot of responsibility in pushing our men away. After going through all of Rori’s tools and seeing all the blatant mistakes I’ve made (with my ex-friend and every other man from my past), it’s no surprise that they faded away. Live and learn, they say. And from this man, I learned lessons the hardest way, losing someone I really loved. Will he come my way again? Don’t know, he’s been through twice now. But if a third time comes, I will not allow him, nor any other man, to burst through my boundaries again. I am stronger than I’ve ever been.

So, pushing him toward an ex? Yes, I can see how we women do that. But pushing him back toward every other ex and his obsession to remain friends with them all. I think that’s something else. Some weakness on his part, or some past event, that compels him to still seek their friendship and approval, even after they treated him like crap. But that’s their problem to solve.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 9:53am
537: la la land says:

Dear Vicky,

for me you said it : “I really feel that we share a lot of responsibility in pushing our men away.”

taking the responsibility for our actions and their results. no discounts to our own weaknesses. i like that.

and yes, if you are not ‘invested’ with that guy, the hall with him..

i just dont want to blame someone else for my own mistakes ending up with another man, being jealous for another ‘she’… i want to fix this thing straight once and for all. than if im doing ok and he is not doing his part thats another story

as i see it now my mission here is made of three parts:
1/ taking responsibility for my mistakes.
2/ working the tools to develop a resnoble self confidence in my ability to be with a man in a healthy way.
3/ working courageously on my career. [being obsessively jealous takes a lot of time and energy]

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 10:26am
538: Trixie says:

Vicki, thank you so much! I did not tell him I have a deadline of February. This is something I have just come up with for my own peace of mind. I haven’t said anything to him about propose or I’m out by this date at all. I agree about men feeling they have to move into action. I lived with him before (moved out for 1 year and a half) and just moved back in recently. when I left the first time he went crazy calling, (I changed my number) writing letters – just like you said, “jump into action”. It’s taken me this long to let him in again. I have not told him “you have to propose to me in 6 months”. I simply said, I’ve waited almost 3 years for you to decide to make a move. I will not wait another 3 years, 2 years, 1 year or even 6 months. I said I will not wait, I guess maybe you’re saying he took that as an ultimatum? Then how the heck was I supposed to tell him my intentions on what I feel I have to have and need? I was trying to make a point to him that he does not have the option this time of dragging this out and using me as the cleaning lady, cook and roommate paying half the bills. I am keeping my “mental” deadline in my head. But when I decide to go this time, I’m staying gone. Knowing him, he’ll run out and buy a ring to buy more time come February, and if that happens my answer will be no without hesitation. This game needs to stop. I’m feeling very used and confused by him. He certainly needed NO time to “feel ready” whatsoever to get my cooking cleaning working self back over there.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 10:27am
539: Vicki Kerns says:

La la land – I totally agree. I am very good about owning up to my own mistakes, but in the past, I’ve tended to blame myself for everything falling apart. Now that I’m stronger, I realize that, yes, I did make a lot of mistakes, but so did he. Some guys can do some really crappy things, if they’re allowed to. That’s a mistake I will NOT make again.

I’ve always over-invested myself in a guy. Give & give & give of myself – body, mind & soul. And as Rori says, trying to connect with a guy on those 3 levels will never work. And they will take & take & take if you let them. I have learned so many things from my tools & all of this. Would things have been different if I’d had these tools this time last year? Yes, things would really be different. Because when he back-pedaled last January, I would have ended the friendship right then and there and saved myself a lot of heartache.

I am working on this daily as you are. I know there are lots of good men out there, but I am learning to love myself first, then I will be successful in weeding out the good from the weak and cowardly.

Keep on your mission and keep focused on you. It sounds like you are doing all the right stuff!!!!! Atta girl!

Trixie – thanks. I know that’s a fine line detail. You want one thing and they back off; then when you retreat, they come running. How the heck is a girl supposed to remain sane trying to deal with their Jekyll and Hyde emotions??? That’s why I’d love to hear Rori’s take on this. Just how to go about getting them to keep coming forward, all the way to commitment, without a woman going nuts in the meantime.

Rori?

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 10:43am
540: Vicki Kerns says:

And Trixie, cooking, cleaning and working self? Be careful of that. If he wants a roommate or a housekeeper, he should hire one. And he should at least split those chores with you!

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 10:46am
541: Tara says:

Still need some advice…posted on 16th Re: “Steve”. I’ve been in love with/in relationship with him for a year now. How do I get him out of my system? Can’t seem to stop texting him first, hinting about dates, etc. and am mad at myself because I’m having trouble letting go of this married dude. Have always been the “guy” here, so how do I turn into the “girl”?
Tara

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 10:54am
542: Vicki Kerns says:

Tara – I know how hard it is to get someone out of your system, but please, please, please, if he’s married, you are in a no-win situation!!! If they can have their cake and eat it too, men will continue in situations like this for ages! Sounds like you need a good shot of self-esteem. That’s what I needed. I didn’t realize how much I was short-changing myself by hanging onto a no-win guy. I gave and gave until I was spent and that’s what you’re doing too.

Listen to Rori’s tools. Make yourself a list of what it is you really want from a man (and don’t just think about what it is your want from him). What do YOU want? And look deeply inside. I know for me, I’ve always gone after unavailable men, and then keep going after them until I’ve exhausted every bit of self-confidence and self-esteem I’ve built up. Why? I’m still discovering that, but I know it’s because I’m scared myself of intimacy and permanence, plus some other things I know I’ll discover.

Ask yourself why you want a man that is so unavailable to you, and really search yourself for answers. We all deserve a man who is commited to us. And I know these men are like a drug. At times, I felt, and still on occasion, feel almost desperate that he’s not in my life. Why couldn’t he love me? What went wrong? You can drive yourself nuts if you let it.

Focus on yourself. Like Rori says, get out, do things for yourself, circular date (and I know that’s sometimes easier said than done), but get yourself out there. Pamper yourself, take yourself places. Think about doing things that will make you happy. And figure out what your boundaries are. I’m learning that one. Decide just what you will and will not put up with. Respect yourself first! No one has the right to treat you like less than the wonderful woman you are.

Ladies?

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 11:29am
543: tinque says:

Tara – Ditto everything Vicki says, and the next time you find yourself wanting to make contact, you just HAVE to STOP yourself. Whatever it takes. Distract yourself. Go do something fun and/or for you. Call a friend. Bite your texting hand.
xxoo

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 11:46am
544: DocK says:

For me – to let go – I do a lot of writing, journaling.

I did all of the exercises in Rori’s ebook – it helps to clarify so much. Especially the exercise about what I want a relationship to look like – really used all of my senses to create the vision.

I also got a break-up ebook that had A LOT of questions to answer and really helped to go through that process – I was engaged in doing something – but also learning about myself – looking at patterns and the truth behind the feelings.

I would acknowledge myself for little wins – ‘I really wanted to call (could be text, email) but I didn’t.’ ‘I flirted back with that cute guy that flirted with me.’

I like affirmations – I use ‘I am’ (but some people find a hard time believing that as Rori indicated so could use “I intend.)” As in, ‘I am free. I feel strong walking away from someone that hurt me and I know there is the right person out there waiting for me – we are moving towards each other right now.’

I also said the words, ‘I forgive myself,’ because I spent so much time beating up on myself – for what? being human? I would never call a friend names or beat up on her for making mistakes – why should I do that to myself? I would show her love and compassion – I chose to feel that love and compassion towards myself.

I felt grateful to him – knowing him, I opened my heart in ways I hadn’t before – I decided to keep it open rather than close it up in anger, sadness or bitterness.

I felt forgiveness and released him. There’s a saying, not forgiving is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness doesn’t mean someone hurting me was OK – it releases me to be free and love.

That’s how I worked through it. Maybe one idea in there will resonate in some way.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 12:07pm
545: Velvetine says:

Hi girls,

On the subject of exes, some advice please…

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up almost a year and a half ago and since then we have been in contact every week as we both care about each other and I had major dependency issues and could not bare letting go of him. No sex, he wouldn’t ever mess with me that way. Just a weird ‘friendship’ but I knew I wanted more and was dying inside because he insisted we would never get back together and although he cared about me more than anyone else he didn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with me…blah blah.

But, I had the strength to finally cut contact this September, I realised he may be seeing someone else and this made me want to put a stop to the fantasy I was holding on to.

Anyway, we have a mutual friend (one of my best friends) and I miss going to parties and social stuff with her as we used to have loads of fun. I stopped going as he is often at these parties.

I am tempted to go to a party with her tomorrow…but he would probably be there and if he is back with his other ex as I suspect, she may be too.

I have made a rule to not talk about him with my friend so am not getting info from her and don’t want to ask.

Would it be emotional suicide to go or should I put two fingers up to him and just go and have fun with my friend?

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 12:30pm
546: Vicki Kerns says:

DocK, that was awesome! It’s so easy to not forgive yourself and beat yourself up. I kept praying for forgiveness but learned (from Joel Osteen-love him) that the first time you ask for forgiveness, it’s done. When you keep asking over and over, it’s because you haven’t forgiven yourself. And I feel like I’ve finally done that. It is very freeing.

And I like affirmations too. Saying them out loud and look at yourself. I am free. I forgive myself. And instead of feeling bitter, I am thanking him now for freeing me to be a stronger woman and no longer take this from any man. It is very empowering. And I felt that heaviness lifting.

Velvetine- I face the same type of situations. Going places here soon that he may well be at, and with another woman. And it’s easier said than done. I am planning to practice some situations. Do I speak? Do I ignore? How do I keep from staring? Etc.?

I think of Rori’s Siren tools about grounding yourself. Grab onto a chair, or the table, or a glass, or a wall! Practice breathing. Picture all those thoughts dropping down into your pelvis. Then start inhaling from your toes up and picture it coming out the top of your head and shimmering down all over you. These types of exercises and visualizations help distract your mind and get you focused.

And I know it isn’t easy. You want to go places but don’t want to risk running into him, especially with someone else. But I stopped and thought to myself, do you think he’s worried about running into ME anywhere? Oh hell no he isn’t. So why should I stop doing fun things on the off-chance of running into him.

One expression that I’ve always heard and repeat to myself at times like these is, “The best revenge is a life well lived.” Dress yourself up to the nines – put on your hottest outfit and makeup, do whatever makes you feel great. Walk out your front door feeling like a sexy woman and keep that attitude all night. The last thing you’d ever want any man to see is you having a miserable time without him. And you deserve to have a good time.

Sometimes I wish I had the emotional capacity of some of these men, but then again, I probably wouldn’t like myself as much as I do right now LOL.

Hang in there, do things that make you feel sexy and happy, and go out there and have fun!!!! I sure intend to.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 12:56pm
547: Vicki Kerns says:

Oh, and Velvetine – maybe instead of putting two fingers up to him if you see him, you just put up one instead

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 12:56pm
548: Trixie says:

vicki, thank you. I’m sorry I was venting. That does lead me to a great question though. I HAVEN’T been cleaning like I used to (2 weeks for the house) it’s huge and it takes 3 or 4 hours to clean it “right”. This is the end of the second week for me not cleaning it. He hasn’t said a word, how do I respond if he does, it may be comment time from him soon. Also, I DO cook everynight, but to feed myself and my daughter!! I can’t NOT cook just to stop “doing” for him. And if he ever asks me to help with yard work (he does ask just about every weekend) I DO help. Rori said if the man asks for help we should help. How do I handle the response of a comment on not cleaning IF it comes? He may not even say a word. He’s been folding his own laundry himself (I’ve been just leaving his in the basket). When I call him to say I’m running late home from work with traffic, he’ll cook something for us, so that’s a huge step in the right direction. I did ask him for help with changing my oil, as in could he change my oil, bought the oil, he said not to waste money on getting it done he could do it. well, my car was 2,000 miles over so I HAD to take it to a place and pay, I stated before this, I really need to change my oil (4 times before I just took it somewhere) I can’t afford to ruin my car over his lack of wanting to do something he offered. So, not sure what that was about, offering and then not doing. It’s really hard to figure out what to do and say and when the right way!!

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 1:01pm
549: DocK says:

I would have to be real with myself – just cut ties in September (it’s only November) might be too soon. I would have to be brutally honest with myself about why I want to go – to see him? or to get back to my life and having fun?

If I did decide to go, I would talk to my friend – not about him and information on him but about me in relation to him – that I wanted to go but would have to deal with my feelings, that I might need to step outside for a minute for some air or just get quiet.

Could I practice the tools when I saw him? Be strong on the inside but soft outside. Feel the feelings, touch something, notice my breathing, expand from my pelvis. Feel the sadness and/or my throat tightening but also, feel that I am OK, I didn’t die on the spot and feel the humor too. Whatever – I would have to be authentic and not pretending anything. Maybe if he said “Hi” I’d say, ‘Hi, feels good to see you, sad too, but good but I also don’t want to spend time chatting with you. I want to have fun. Take care.’ and I’d walk away and go talk to all of these other people that I have missed seeing and spending time with.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 1:03pm
550: T.R. says:

Thank you Dock!

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 1:06pm
551: Velvetine says:

Thanks for the advice.

I am partly curious to see him because I miss him. Maybe I want him to see me looking good and laughing and dancing. But I’d much rather he wasn’t going to be there. Him being with someone else stopped dead any fantasies I clung to.

But, you’re right Dock it hasn’t been that long since I cut contact (but 2 months is massive progress for me!). I know it will upset me loads. So, I don’t think I will go just yet. It’s just sad when I see my friend and I know she is going off to places I don’t feel I can go. We’re both going to the theatre tomorrow and then she’s off to the party but I will go home. Sigh.

But we are both going speed dating next week which is something new and exciting for me.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 1:21pm
552: Vicki Kerns says:

Velvetine – it’s such a difficult decision to make. I know just how you feel. You want to go, you don’t want to run into him, but yet a little part of you wants him to see just what he’s missing. And I sooooo know the feeling about stopping dead the fantasies!

I was still clinging to a little glimmer until I read his Facebook post of how he’d met someone that weekend and how much he had enjoyed the time he spent with her. Telling the whole Facebook world about this new woman. And I remembered, sadly, how on my birthday last Feb. when he took me to dinner, and he told his friend that he was taking me out to dinner because I’d helped him with so much stuff! Now I wonder if he had to shower when he went home. It’s that kind of stuff that makes me realize now just how little affection he did have for me.

Oh yes, we were really great friends, but he sure as hell didn’t want anyone to get the “wrong” idea. Man, the crap we ladies put up with for so long.

You do what is going to make you feel best. And maybe do something else really nice for yourself after your friend goes off to the party. My heart is there with you, girl!

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 1:58pm
553: T.R. says:

Velvetine,

I agree with Vicki, go out and have fun! It may be difficult, but you deserve to enjoy life, instead of putting it on hold for someone else who does not appreciate what a great thing he had with you. Be your sexy, confident self, practice circular dating at this party (just not with him), and go home feeling like a queen.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 2:54pm
554: T.R. says:

Velvetine,

Somehow I skipped the last post. If you decide to go, remember you are sexy and confident. If you decide to not go, REMEMBER YOU ARE SEXY AND CONFIDENT.
Do what feels right to you.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 3:01pm
555: T.R. says:

La la land

I agree with Vicki. We can certainly push an ex away. I believe we have to go with our feelings. If a man continues to talk to his ex’s, and is giving her the affection that should be flowing our way we have to evaluate if we actually pushed him away, or he is seeking approval and extra attention from someone else because of his own unresolved issues.
I know in my particular situation my now ex has told me on more than one occasion that he was not talking to her. He has lied to me for months. And, to boot, he offered to pay her rent! He’s never even taken me to dinner. Talk about a low blow. So much of what we decide to do has to come from how we feel on the inside.

Thursday, 19 November 2009 @ 3:20pm
556: la la land says:

after taking him to the airport [#1 mistake or a 'support the team' action?]
i felt distanced and insecure
i called [#2 mistake] and asked [#3 mistake]: do you want to tell me anything ?
he said we are ok..
i felt reassured [#4 mistake] and went to sleep happy
then the day after
it came clear that he was very angry about my question
it came out intrusive to him like a big brother feeling..

i should have said
‘i feel insecure’ ‘i feel stressed taking you to the airport’

any thoughts?

Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 3:41pm
557: la la land says:

t.r you are right, it feels right or wrong. i had many exits on this highway it was never the time for me to leave. i always imagined myself being stronger in order to leave. i never realize how stronger i have to get in order to stay..when your done your done. be brave..

i did this u turn this week towards myself and away from him. tried to open my heart – it looked dark inside .
i got so scared but then i said it must be a baby step.

this Buddhist book im reading talks about the same thing how we are guilty and ashamed and the only way is self compassion and that we feel vulnerable and so on.. allot of similarities.. called The Wise Heart by jack kornfilled
here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Wise-Heart-Universal-Teachings-Psychology/dp/0553803476

Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 3:54pm
558: Vicki Kerns says:

T.R. – I know just what you mean. Of course, I realize now that I was in an imaginary relationship, but when I saw him giving his ex-girlfriend (the one that treated him like crap and he told me some of the things she did, and then he said he wasn’t going to help her again, blah, blah, blah), more time, energy, and respect, I felt so hurt!

And during those last few weeks of faire when he was hanging out at her shop, he didn’t call me for a month and he rarely talked to me. I figure it was partly guilt because he knew what he’d told me, and the first day he came around to say he was going to help her, he had mentioned it to several of my friends there and they basically called him, “Dumbass, flathead, pushover, etc.” So I figure that didn’t set well either. Hey, the truth is hard to face sometimes, isn’t it bub?

But I figure when a guy tries to remain friends with all his ex’s, there’s something in his life that’s unresolved. That’s almost like a punishment. And two of them that I know of did him dirty. But then again, that’s what he seems to prefer.

His ex-wife (divorced 11 yrs) cheated on him several times before he called it quits. And he told me himself a few months ago (teary-eyed) that he was terrible at relationships and didn’t know how to pick women. He seems to prefer really dominant women, but he still likes to maintain some control. Go figure that one.

And what we do definitely has to come from the inside. It’s so easy to get swayed by our feelings for someone. But there comes a time when you get tired of being a doormat. Especially when you look back and see some of the crappy things that they’ve done. You ask yourself why the hell you put up with it for so long. Men, can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em (well, you can but it’s not worth going to jail for)

Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 4:59pm
559: Maria says:

Hi Rori & Ladies!

I would like to say that Reconnect your Relationship is an EXCELLENT program. It is going on 2 months since the guy I was dating broke it off with me and I am STILL sad about it. I find that my feelings go in and out, off and on when I think about him but when I listen to the discs, they help to boost my self esteem and to change my thoughts. Remember about me changing the cell phone service into my name? Well, a day later he texted me to find out how that worked. I was able to use feeling messages and had a calm conversation just about what has been going on. I did tell him it felt good to hear from him and that I missed him. He did not tell me he missed me back and changed the subject. That was very hurtful. He has not called or texted & I really haven’t cared either, until today……
I started thinking of him again & got sad AGAIN…….I will just be glad when all this is over with….I guess I am feeling that I wont be able to find anyone who treated me the way he did……
On a positive note….. men are poppin up everywhere……. I have taken guy’s #’s and not called them back ….
I have guys asking for dates and I am just not interested in going….. I guess this is a phase of the heartbreak….
I wish my feelings would stop going in and out and just forget about him..

Thank You for Reconnect Program….it is a MUST!

Exoticly HeartBroken Maria

Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 6:16pm
560: Maria says:

i went back thru the blog and found this post Rori Posted: “why you’re putting so much energy into a man who’s giving you so little. I don’t care how great he is. The only thing that counts is what he GIVES YOU. This is a matter of self-esteem and boundaries, and the need to chase after a man. ”

I SO LOVE IT!!!!

Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 7:05pm
561: T.R. says:

La la land,

Thank you for this link. I am excited to read this book! I think everything we do is baby steps. Every step you take towards yourself is huge and I am very proud of you for taking this step. Keep up the good work!

Vicki

I have a really good friend who I have seen grow from insecure to a very strong woman on the inside. Through her transformation she has come to have a WONDERFUL marriage and just had a baby 2 months ago. I get so much inspiration from her. And I am now getting inspiration from all of you.
It is difficult to go from being a door mat to believing in ourselves.
In some ways, our situations sound very similar. There must be something for these men needing to continue talking with the ex’s who have hurt them so much. Self-esteem booster? Maybe. But not at the cost of our own self-esteem!
My ex called me last night, twice. We talked briefly and he told me that he loves me. Oh, I do want to believe him. And, perhaps in his mind he thinks he does. However, in my heart I know he would not have kept up the type of conversations he was having with his ex if he truly loved me. Now he is planning on moving out of state to be with family.
I read a saying: Patience is trusting in God’s timing.
Stay strong and follow your heart!

Saturday, 21 November 2009 @ 12:13am
562: Velvetine says:

Hey Maria,

Just wanted to say don’t worry about still feeling sad about your ex. It has only been 2 months and that’s normal. There is no point beating yourself up about how you feel. I try to love all my feelings, even the yuck ones that I used to think of as ‘weak’.

It is just great that you are working on you and shifting your thoughts to yourself and that is something to be proud of.

I really identify with the feelings of indifference to men who are paying you attention you are feeling and how that is linked to holding on to an ex in some way.

I am trying to be open to other men when they show up. Rather than expecting them to all be prince charming it can be good to just go on dates and practice your tools with them. So when the right one pops up you will be a pro.

Also, I never give them my number (I don’t want to make the first call) so I give them mine or just say that I don’t feel like giving them my number if they are complete no nos.

Saturday, 21 November 2009 @ 3:04am
563: Velvetine says:

Oops, I mean I never take their number and let them take mine if they ask.

Saturday, 21 November 2009 @ 3:11am
564: Maria says:

Velentine,

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I just give my number to who I want and they usually call me immediately. I can honestly say, I have about 3 men chasing me right now, of course, EXCEPT the one I want to be chasing me. I went ahead and accepted a date with the guy I met@store last weekend. I gotta say, putting them off and doing my own thing is soooo fun. I think because they just keep coming after me. Now, I have one, who is a co-worker. Honestly, he is a player but very handsome. All the women like him in the office except me. LOL! He is “going thru a divorce”, has a baby mama, and wants a new girlfriend “who understands his situation.” He wants no pressure, no dates, just fun. I definitely act like he doesnt exist. He comes to my desk all the time, compliments me, invites me out etc. Yesterday, he came to my desk to speak and talk, then my female coworker walked by and told him I had to go and left him@my desk. LOL!!!! Not to be rude. LOL! Last night, he instant messaged me and told me he wanted to tell me how he felt. That he thought I was very pretty, sexy, and HOT. He wanted to know if I ever wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss him or get close. I said yes, and answered with alot of playful answers. I can tell all he wants is sex. Before going thru Roris Program, I wouldnt of been able to tell the difference. I would of just enjoyed the attention.
Anyway, I have found joy in this blog and never would of known this to become a part of my life. It is definitely helping me heal.
I am going to go to the gym. I find therapy in working out. :0)))

Thanks Rori.

Exoticly Sad but healing Maria

Saturday, 21 November 2009 @ 8:10am
565: Maria says:

Thanks Rori & Friends!

Saturday, 21 November 2009 @ 8:13am
566: Anya says:

Hi Rori and all the great Ladies,

I am new to this blog and would love to hear your advices for some issues that I am going through.
My dad passed away when I was young and was brought up in a single parent family. My mom is a very strong woman and I really admire her very much. BTW, I am from Asia. I came to the US to pursue graduate study and met this wonderful guy in college. My mom knew that something is going on between this guy and me and told me to be nice and take care of him. Yap, “take care” of him. Right now he is about to graduate and working hard to finish his project, get his dissertation done and at the same time looking for a job. He started to withdraw from me to the point of not seeing me in person. On top of it, he would not talk to me through messaging unless I initiate it. I got worried and puzzled why he has withdrawn from me. Then I found Rori’s program on “Reconnect Your Relationship.” OMG, I was so shocked that what I have done in the past was so destructive to my relationship and pushing the guy away from me. At this moment I am trying to relax and lean back and kept quiet for quite a while. I stopped being a cactus and gaining my feminine energy back and with these I could tell that I am drawing some attentions from guys around me.

I know timing might be inappropriate but I just wonder since I don’t get to see the guy I am interested in to realize how much I have changed after going through the program, how should I wither initiate a conversation through messaging to draw his attention? How should I approach to turn around this “disconnection” to “reconnection” without pushing and scaring him?

Really appreciate all your inputs and many thanks.

With lots of love,

Anya

Sunday, 22 November 2009 @ 8:22pm
567: Tara says:

I went out and followed Vicki and Tinque’s advice: got cute new haircut, bought 2 new shirts, went to movies twice (took daughter once, son once). Didn’t text “Steve” Friday (of course, he didn’t text me, either, and he almost never texts on weekends because he is sooo paranoid that his abusive wife will catch him).

Now that I’ve done all this, I’m still missing him like crazy. What has saved me was a post from Friday Nov. 20th, where Maria quotes Rori:

“why you’re putting so much energy into a man who’s giving you so little. I don’t care how great he is. The only thing that counts is what he GIVES YOU. This is a matter of self-esteem and boundaries, and the need to chase after a man. ”

THANKS SO MUCH!! Although I’ve realized that my idea of the perfect relationship is the “free-flowing dance” between masculine and feminine energies that Rori talks about, I’ve also realized I don’t want to be the “guy” all the time. I don’t want the sole burden of the relationship on me.

Steve’s been doing almost NOTHING for me since our Oct. 20th blowup (and wasn’t initiating much before, using his predominant feminine energy as the reason, while for other things he claims clueless guy-hood as his excuse).
I’ve been driving myself nuts blaming myself for wrecking the relationship, etc. Yes, I acted needy and too dramatic that night. I apologized calmly the next day and he said it was “no big deal.” But he’s cut way back on the relationship since. Does a man do that if he really loves the woman?
Because he has low self-esteem and has been a battered man for 18 years, he’s probably not going to ever step up and be the “guy” in a relationship.

But, even when things were good, he ran “hot-and-cold,” every once in a while calling me just to hear my voice, but more often claiming he didn’t see my texts, or got busy and forgot to respond. Sometimes he was passionate, but sometimes he was so restrained he’d barely kiss me. He said “I love you,” but mostly when I said it first. In August, he promised that only war or death would part us, but in October (after his wife had a “surprise” baby), he was “too busy” with work, school, the new baby, etc. to even sit in my car with me for five minutes after play rehearsal (still saying his feelings for me hadn’t changed). We did have one date, a walk in the park, a little over a week ago, that was really good, but this week, he was “too busy” to see me — again.

Reading Rori’s quote made me realize that he can’t or won’t give me very much right now — or maybe EVER — and that’s what counts, no matter how much I still feel for him.
Again, thanks for all the wisdom and support!
Tara

Sunday, 22 November 2009 @ 10:03pm
568: Maria says:

Tara,

Congrats! I cannot believe I have made this blog a part of my life. This is definitely therapy. When I start thinking of “the guy” and feeling upset and/or insecure, I come to the blog. It helps. Every time I initiate a text message or email, I feel stupid. I always say “this is it” This is the last time Im going to be stupid. Time to move on. My feelings go up and down. But when I think about the comment about WHAT HE IS GIVING ME, I get upset and furious that I am even wasting my time trying to REACH OUT TO SOMEONE WHO CAN CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING. I mean honestly, why would I put up with damaging MYSELF because someone ignores me.
I also like one blog where Rori said “If one argument ended a relationship, the relationship was already gone.”
Thats true.
I deleted his number.
I turn my ringer off, flip the phone over.
I eat healthy, work out and be fabulous.
I am DEFINITELY HEART BROKEN. (Alecia Keys new song)
But I am also DEFINITELY A FABULOUS DIVA, who learns from their mistakes and moves on.
If you think about it, your just getting better for the RIGHT man.

Exoticly Heart Broken Maria

Sunday, 22 November 2009 @ 10:23pm
569:

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