Have The Relationship You Want

1,644 Comments to “New Questions And Stories From You”

1. 1: Carolina says:

   Hi Rori,

   I need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing here.

   I dated my next door neighboor for a couple of months.

   Initially he would be the one doing the pursue, calling me every other day. Since I was not calling him or in any way pursuing him, it was easy to spot when he started to act more distant or call me less often. I applied your advise and was even less available when he would finally call.

   In the meantime, I received a job offer to move overseas to London for 4 months and I accepted it. I saw my neighboor a week after I had accepted the offer and told him I was moving temporarily. He was shocked and said “I don’t know if start crying or congratulate you”.

   The following days after this he was closer, more present, then he did the same act as before and stopped calling or chatting with me.

   Last Friday he called me. I was happy to see his number and I I was friendly and smiled all the time while we spoke. He asked me how I was doing, when I was leaving, how were the preparations for my trip, etc, and whether I was angry at him for not having called. I said I was not angry, that I supposed he had had his reasons for not calling me and he said “Of course I had my reasons and I want to explain them”. I said “OK but let’s not talk about that now”. He said “Well it seems that you don’t care either”. I said “Of course I care but I don’t think we need to talk about it now”.

   The truth is that I felt that hearing him ellaborate why he hadn’t called, wasn’t going to make me feel better. I thought if he really wanted to reestablish contact with me he was going to ask me when he could see me, but he didn’t. I finished the phone call saying “I have to leave now, let’s talk some other time”.

   That was last Friday, I’m leaving this Saturday and I don’t plan to call him. He knows I’m leaving so if he wants to see me he will try to reach me, otherwise I have to let him go, put him in a box and store this story together with all the other sad love stories that I plan to leave behind when I move to London.

   It feels a bit ackward leaving this without “closure” but I feel that an “official” break up won’t make me feel better either. I don’t want to hear that he’s not that into me, or that he’s seeing his ex, or that he doesn’t think he can or want to be in a long distance relationship.

   I would like your opinion of whether I’ve taking this to an extreme or if I did the right thing.

   Cheers,
   Caro

   Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 12:03pm

2. 2: Rori Raye says:

   Caro – only tweak I would make is this…He said he wanted to talk, and you shut him down. I understand that, and if you really didn’t want to hear, the tweak would be, I don’t want to talk about it. This is about language here. Everything you say has a tinge of “direction” in it…”Let’s not…I don’t think we need to…let’s talk some other time…” And THIS is what I’d like to see you switch out for Feeling Messages. It just makes it harder to connect…it’s not warm, and just changing this much might make all the difference for you in your whole love life …he’ll be here when you get back, and you can practice on all those Englishmen! Love, Rori

   Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:15pm

3. 3: gina says:

   Hi rori,
   I’m feeling a little confused. I went on a great date with a wonderful man last night and today we were texting about how good everything felt. Then he asked when he might be able to see me again. I said that I am free on Wednesday after 7pm. I feel weird – like my response was too specific. I often feel triggered when it comes to stating my ‘availability’ – in the past, i played games to seem “hard to get.” I don’t want to do that, but I guess the fear of seeming too available and easy is still there. The truth is that I thought I was tied up Tuesday, but it turns out I’m free. Wednesday night, I have a light obligation that I was going to skip in order to see him (trying to avert my own tendency to run away). Thursday i work till 10, but I usually go to a salsa bar, which is where I met him last week. Friday and Saturday nights I work till super late. Sunday I’m free. I feel like I blocked the connection with my answer somehow – how could I have handled this better? Should I communicate something now? I feel like I’m overfunctioning by worrying – I’m disappointed that I haven’t heard from him since I gave him my very specific answer.

   Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:17pm

4. 4: Simply Shannon says:

   Gina: I have that same conflict alot but honestly my life is just busy. Sometimes I only have certain times open. That’s the truth. I’m not trying to be coy or hard to get. I feel curious about Rori’s take on this.

   Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 5:56pm

5. 5: danae says:

   hello Rori

   first of all thanks so much for all your wonderful articles and email newsletters – I’ve really enjoyed reading them and they’re helping me with what was a difficult situation.

   I got myself involved with a man after a difficult divorce which left me with four small children and no assets or savings. I’d done a lot of work on my self esteem but in hindsight at the time I met this guy I was ready for some fun as my life has been quite serious (raising so many children with limited means can be like that). He really made me laugh, and actually enjoyed spending time around my children and I. He wanted a child, and impulsively we made one (a little girl, now two). But during my pregnancy he backed off, reminded me that we were ‘never in a committed relationship’ and that he’d be my friend. (Later I learned he became involved with a much younger woman at this stage)

   I realise now that I’d, as you say, invited him into my life as a ‘do over’ of some of my past stuff, including my mother being left by my father with three children and myself being abandoned several times by my ex husband, twice when pregnant. Amazing how I could have thought I was ok, emotionally and mentally! (I’m getting counselling as well as studying psychotherapy)

   Anyway, to cut a long and painful story short, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, taken repsonsibility for my choices and have continued to get on with my life and find joy in the world around me. I have been, however, attempting to ‘let go’ of the guy rather than focusing on loving myself so much he becomes boring (I love that bit of wisdom Rori)… in fact over time he has come to have less and less of a hold on me, but I still find him attractive. A part of me wants to laugh with him and be lovers and another part wants to ‘make things right’ (by our daughter, for one). Rationally I realise that nothing can make this guy love me or want to commit, and that’s OK. Rationally I am able to see that this guy is no good for me, that he brings a lot of trouble into my life (like other women who are angry at me, one of which has also just given birth to his child). He’s just a do-over, right? I ought to be ‘done’ by now.

   I’ve surrounded myself with great guys who treat me very well, none of which interest me romantically, and I make myself available to meet new men (although I don’t ’seek’ them). This is really working for me – I’m happier – I do believe I truly love and accept myself. I’m in the process of looking for paid work for the first time in years and I look and feel good physically (I take really good care of myself).

   So I’m at the point of perhaps being really ready to meet ‘the one’, and wonder what the next step is. None of the guys I’m Circular Dating are candidates (although they are all perfect for circular dating) – I have practical issues to address, such as finances (it seems mercanary but whoever I have a committed relationship has to be prepared to share in supporting five children) and I’m unprepared to pair up with someone who has no urge to grow or to see things differently.

   Is there an energetic ‘trick’ to attracting the right guy? Will this small part of me that is still attracted to the father of my child hold me back? How much healing do I need to do before I’m on track to have a real and beautiful relationship??

   thanks

   danae

   Monday, 24 August 2009 @ 7:21pm

6. 6: Daria says:

   Danae – I love your story! I feel inspired by your strength!

   I would say get the Siren program NOW! And Circulard date more and more men, get out there to meet more!

   Yes there is a trick, and you know what it is, focusing on yourself, and SIREN will help u do that.

   I hope Rori answers you soon I feel so curious and excited to see what she will say to you.

   Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 12:02am

7. 7: Symantha says:

   Carolina,
   I’ve read all your post since the beggining of dating your neighbour hehe nd – found it quite inspirational. I see you are coming to London, I live like 30 min from central London so If you need anything just let me know, I’d feel happy to hear from you and good luck w your moving
   XoXo
   Symantha

   Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 4:00am

8. 8: Symantha says:

   Rori,
   I wonder… What do you think about an ‘Off Topic’ post?

   Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 4:37am

9. 9: Aldonza says:

   After dating one guy where I was totally over-functioning, I was really leaning back when I was dating again. Enter my latest romance. He was all male energy. I loved it. I let him arrange dates and do most of the work. He was great.

   I fell for it…hard.

   With all of the men these days who lean back and let aggressive women pursue them, a man who will step forward can almost take his pick. And he did. And now I wonder if it was some kind of PUA thing he did with me as I’m feeling very discarded.

   Meh.

   Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:03am

10. 10: Daria says:

    Aldonza…

    man schman… what was the message! I think one message I hear from this is “There are MASCULINE MEN out there!”

    Let him go on the river of men! Get back out there and meet lots more… its not about finding a romance, it’s about finding YOU, and you will create romance for yourself once you find You, all men will buzz to you like bees and you will be their honey…

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:13am

11. 11: Carolina says:

    Hi Symantha,

    Thanks for your message!

    I feel totally clueless when it comes to building a relationship. I hope I can inspire you to do the right things!

    I will live near the Glocester Rd Station. How can we connect?

    Cheers,
    Caro

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 8:24am

12. 12: Mocha says:

    Great!

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 8:38am

13. 13: Rori Raye says:

    Welcome Danae, and Brava to you! You are so totally on the right track. Just keep Circular Dating and doing what you’re doing — getting yourself work you love (or at least like) and feeling stronger inside willl take care of the rest of it for you. Targeting Mr. Right is the program you want (after the ebook – so you understand the basics) – and Modern Siren for the attraction part of this…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 9:19am

14. 14: Rori Raye says:

    Daria – you sound wonderful! Rori

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 9:21am

15. 15: Symantha says:

    Carolina,

    My email: symantha23@hotmail.com

    So please contact me, I feel excited…. You will love London

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 3:00pm

16. 16: Erin says:

    Hey Rori,
    Here is the deal. I have (as you may remember) dealt with insecurities and large jealousy/paranoia issues from multiple men cheating on me. I have worked so hard in releasing all these old fears and really feeling my way through it. Our relationship has come leaps and bounds…so I thought. He just went on a 6 week TDY (in the states) for a leadership school and I feel like my whole world went back a year in just a small amount of time. I have the nasty thoughts all the time. I have crazy scenarios go through my head….its like I just began this journey even though I thought I have worked so hard. He just got back from an 6 month overseas tour right before he left for the 6 week one. I did AWESOME…no, WE did awesome for that one. We communicated, I had made it a goal to heal all this past pain. I worked so hard at being supportive to myself and him. There were emails upon emails of feeling messages…I felt like I showed him so much of the authentic me. Now, we are in this teeny little 6 week one and I am a flippin mess. DISTURBED for sure. I am edgy and confused and crying and feel abandoned. What happened? He is busy with school and he gets to actually go out with his buddies and have a life over there. Which I am happy about..but I also know I feel jealous about. I feel very insecure and I get this all on a logical level…but I just can’t grasp the whole thing…and I am making it worse! I do good for a few phone calls and then he doesn’t text me back right away and I lose it! WHO IS THIS WOMAN? I thought I had it all together. I miss him, I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel replaced, I feel unimportant. I don’t know…would love some advice.
    E

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 5:54pm

17. 17: Erin says:

    PS….I have read your book twice and done Modern Siren…I felt like I really got it…and this just feels like a huge setback that I can’t right once again. Is it always going to be like this?

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 5:55pm

18. 18: Rori Raye says:

    Erin – the one question that kept going through me as I read your comment – and where is YOUR life? Here’s the cure: Get so amazingly booked up with things you LOVE, feel strongly about – Save The World stuff – flirt yourself silly, make some great money, start projects, finish projects…so that you hae no time or energy to devote to this obsessing which does you no good. You have chosen a man who is not home with you all the time. That is part of your pattern. Yes, you will be triggered constantly because – who wouldn’t? I know I couldn’t manage being separated all the time…you are very brave and smart and work hard…keep going in that direction. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:21pm

19. 19: Erin says:

    As always…Thank you Miss Rori. That is a lot simpler than I assumed the cure would need to be. Thank you for reminding me that its normal to feel this way.
    Hugs and love, Erin

    PS…I would love any and all comments from you veterans too!

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:31pm

20. 20: alias girl says:

    i feel good to read rori’s comment to erin. i feel good to be with a man who wants to be with me and spend time with me and treat me like a goddess. i feel so much more filled up with life and things that please me.

    i tried a new experiment tonight for socializing with people and it was not really what i had hoped or anticipated. it was very small and cliqued off and i just felt like oh ok. and i came late cuzz traffic wascrowded. so now here i am feeling a lot sad.

    because what i really really want is a boyfriend.

    and i gave up saving the world.

    and what i really really want is a boyfriend.

    and so right now i feel sad. is ok. i love my feelings of being back in school and not feeling like i fit in. i love my feelings of longing. i love that for this moment i am vibrating LONELINESS.

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:50pm

21. 21: alias girl says:

    oops this is the question and stories page. well that’s my story i guess. the i feel lonely story i am very familiar with. yae! i love my self pity. i love how i can landslide in a second. but at least now i can bounce back just as quickly.

    Tuesday, 25 August 2009 @ 7:53pm

22. 22: tinque says:

    Erin – I agree with Rori, but I also feel this goes deeper, and the “answer” maybe ought to do so as well. Your six month separation reminds me of my brief in comparison month long separation from K.
    I was prepared for it. I has a lot to do. It was fine. What little of the “nasty” thoughts I had were deflected.
    And now I’m here, and the thoughts have been running rampant, and he only goes away to work.
    Now my situation is much different. I’ve landed in a new everything. You are at home still, but and this is huge, you were separated AGAIN and so soon and unexpectedly.
    When he was away for the long stretch, you prepared yourself in all ways, mentally, physically, logistically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s as if your entire body was in a measured rhythm, counting every beat (every minute or day) until he returned. He was delayed, but you were still in rhythm. You were able to maintain, keep the beat going a little longer.
    You then mellowed down to a soft waltz say, swaying to the new beat; he’s home. It all feels so good. Your song picks up where it left off.
    He’s called away, AGAIN, and for you it’s as if suddenly the violin strings break, and the drum skins snap, the stage tips and falls over, the song screeches to a halt. This is you right now. You are sensitive to abandonment which showed up as cheating in your life. B left unexpectedly. You feel as abandoned even though you logical mind knows that’s not the case, yet that is how it FEELS.
    Definitely do as Rori says (what happened with the new job?) but also breathe, meditate, go over all of our correspondence as reminders of who you REALLY are, and from where you’ve come.
    Make sense?
    xxoo

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 6:31am

23. 23: Rori Raye says:

    Beautiful, Tinque, thank you.

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:00am

24. 24: Rori Raye says:

    You know, Alias Girl, sometimes you’re with people and they just don’t feel good to you. There just isn’t the warmth and connection that puts you at ease. And then one person walks near you, and all of a sudden you feel this possibility for warmth. Go there! Part of this is in learning to feel other people’s energy and how it works with yours, and to notice how you may have been keeping yourself lonely by being around people you can’t FEEL connected to. Just keep doing the Feeling Messages – it will help you get more quickly what the possibilities are around you. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:05am

25. 25: Angeline says:

    Hi,

    I love this site so much, and I’m currently working through the Siren program. Here’s my question for today.

    Last night I was hanging out with people from work. It was a sad occasion, as one of the most liked people is leaving the workplace. I ended up drinking a lot and spending some time with this guy who was flirting with me. He was comforting me and being very complimentary and supportive. He said he was going to watch and make sure I got into a cab that night. But then later on he said he was leaving to get food. I said, “Hey, what about getting me into a cab?” I gave him a hug goodbye, but then told him “I think you are lame. L…A…M…E…” I can’t believe what a jerk I was! It’s not that I’m super into this guy, but he’s handsome and nice and I work with him.

    So my question is should I approach him with an apology? I do feel bad and I don’t want to always feel uncomfortable around him at work, thinking like I owe him an apology. And I know I should’ve used the feeling messages instead of labeling him because I was angry/dissapointed. I just lost my cool for a second I guess.

    - Angeline

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:08am

26. 26: alias girl says:

    thank you rori. i do seem to do that. i picked people and situations in the past where i was not honored or i had to be someone else or it seemed i was just there for the other person as a listening post or something. i am going to really get in touch with who and where i feel that warmth and connection and go there like you said. warmth and connection. i feel good to think about that and co creating situations like that. warmth and connection. i feel a sad pouty face. i feel a deep breath. i feel opening up in my chest. i feel sad pouty face again and tears. i feel good to be accepted and honored and cherished and adored for who i am. i feel good to truly connect with people. i feel good to be in situations where people want to spend time with me and i want to spend time with them.

    thank you.

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:18am

27. 27: Mercedes says:

    Tinque: I LOVE your response to Erin! So right on target!

    Angeline: I don’t know what the “right” answer is, but I do know that if it were me, I’d apologize. Alcohol can make me do and say things that I regret. When I regret, I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, I have to face it. I think it’s beautiful when someone can own up to feeling bad about something they said/did and apologize for it. If your motives are ONLY to apologize and there’s not alterior motive, then, I know if I were him, I would appreciate your willingness to come to me and tell me you’re sorry.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 9:33am

28. 28: Angeline says:

    Yeah, Mercedes, that’s how I feel about apologies too, and I generally like to get them out as soon as possible! Now it’s just a matter of finding a moment where I can approach him.

    Thanks so much for your response.

    - Angeline

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 10:01am

29. 29: Carolina says:

    Thanks Symantha! I’ve added you to my msn messenger!

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 10:31am

30. 30: Mercedes says:

    Angeline: I agree…I get it out as soon as I can as well. Don’t stress it, the time will come and it will be right.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 11:02am

31. 31: tinque says:

    Angeline – I’m with Mercedes on this one. It’s not necessary to go and on about it. Simply say to him I wish I had not said whatever it was you said. You could also word it as, I feel badly for saying what I did. And then LET IT GO. Men don’t dwell on things like we do. He may have already forgotten about it, but this will make YOU feel better. And he will appreciate you for this though he likely won’t express it. Though he may. It doesn’t matter.
    xxoo

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 11:24am

32. 32: Rori Raye says:

    Angeline – CHILL. The PUA guys would pin a medal on you! don’t approach him. Just be vulnerable, flirty, and comfortable with who you are. You told the truth, you were pissed because yet another man promised something and didn’t follow through. You were not a jerk. Chances are you intrigued him. HOWEVER –to ALL – drinking is NOT the way to go here. You have to learn to be open WITHOUT medicinal help! You have to own yourself, your feelings, your actions. Otherwise, there’s no learning going on — and we’re trying to move FAST here…no time to waste…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 12:02pm

33. 33: Carolina says:

    Hi Rori,

    I want to share with you the conversation that I finally had with my next door neighbor last night.

    He came over and after some small chat I said to him that I was feeling sad that I was leaving the country and I hadn’t seen him, that I didn’t want to call him or chase him, that I could understand that he needed some space but that I wasn’t comfortable in this situation.

    He said he was sorry that he had been distant, that he knew that wasn’t the right way to treat women, that we was feeling himself as “one of those jerk men” and that he wasn’t one of them, that he didn’t know exactly what to tell me, that at a certain point he simply had stopped feeling the urge to call me or see me and that on the contrary he had started to feel that he “had to” call me or see me and that he didn’t want to feel that way, that he wanted to be with someone he would feel that need to call her or see her all the time, that he didn’t know why he had stopped feeling that way for me because he thought that I had everything he wanted for in a woman but that he just couldn’t feel it, that he couldn’t point out at a particular moment or situation that had caused him to stop feeling the need to be with me, that he was still very attracted to me, that he didn’t know if he was doing the right way by letting me go because he was afraid he was going to regret it later, that he didn’t want to stop seeing me but that he knew he wasn’t in conditions to ask me for anything.

    It’s sort of funny because I have delivered that same speech many times in the past. It’s the “it’s not you it’s me” kind of speech. When it has happened to me, there’s always something I secretly point at and say “that’s why I didn’t fell for him” (usually some insignificant thing, the way he looks, how he dresses or speaks or his job or whatever). But every of those times I also knew that those were just excuses to explain what cannot be explained: why we fell for some people and don’t fell for others who seem just right for us.

    So, I accepted what he said and understood that sometimes a relationship simply isn’t meant to be, that it has nothing to do with me or how I acted or didn’t act.

    I was able to stay calmed and relaxed while he delivered his speech. I was afraid I was going to cry but on the contrary, I was so relaxed that I was even flirting with him while he was speaking. I could even sense a switch in his tone, he started apologetic and guilty and ended up flirty, confused and unsure if he really wanted to break up or not.

    I said it was ok, that it was a pitty because I liked him but that I wanted a guy that felt for me exactly the way he was describing he wanted to feel and that I was sure that man existed and also that woman for him existed. He said that maybe we had already met that person, that maybe that person for me is you and viceversa, that he didn’t know what was going with him.

    I still feel that I need to work on my self esteem because from the beginning I knew this was going to happen and I still allowed myself to develop feelings for him.

    I don’t want this to happen to me anymore! I don’t want more break-ups!

    Thanks for reading,

    Caro

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 1:13pm

34. 34: Daria says:

    Caro – it sounds like he changed his mind half way? maybe lighten up a little bit… this is not a breakup? u are moving…

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 2:29pm

35. 35: Rori Raye says:

    Caro – Thank you for the update. You sound magnificent! Circular Dating will prevent this from ever happening again. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 3:36pm

36. 36: Carolina says:

    Hi Rori,

    Just for the record: I’ve never stopped Circular Dating!

    Actually this is something that I casually mentioned to my neighbor yesterday. I said to him that I felt sorry that he had felt that he had an obligation to call me or see me. That I didn’t want that from a man. That I was going to continue living my own life as I had done all the time since we met.

    He looked surprised and asked what I meant and I said to him that I had never stopped dating other men, that I hadn’t slept with anyone while we were together because I’m not so open minded but that since we weren’t in a committed relationship it felt right to me to continue meeting new men. That on those Fridays or Saturdays when he wouldn’t call me or would call me at 10.30 pm and I wouldn’t answer the phone, I was on a date with some other man. He looked surprised, as if he never guessed I could have gone out with other men, then he asked me not to tell him more about it.

    I think that piece of news is probably what made him wonder if he had made the right choice by letting me go.

    Anyway, it’s too late for him to be sorry now as I’m moving to London this weekend, putting an ocean between us. I hope that when I come back all my feelings for him have dissapeared and I’m happier and sexier than ever!

    And Daria, you’re right, it is not a break up because we were never committed, so I guess it’s just one of the guys that leaves the circle and leaves room for new guys to enter it, now Englishmen!

    Cheers,
    Caro

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 4:23pm

37. 37: Rori Raye says:

    Caro, than you for the clarification – and you just totally Rock. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:05pm

38. 38: gina says:

    Best of luck to Carolina. That story makes me feel nervous – cause, though I hate to admit it, as soon as I like a guy, I have visions of our life together, even though I KNOW it’s way too soon to be thinking this way. What’s up with that? The guy that I mentioned above, who I was dissappointed hadn’t written me back, wrote me within a couple of hours (I was worrying for no reason), saying that Wednesday night he’s busy, but he invited me over for dinner on Thursday. I’m feeling excited about it. I’m excited about him cause he’s the first guy in, well maybe EVER, who actually has promise. I’m thinking that the best way for me to deal with this notion of “promise” without building some crazy expectation, is to feel good about knowing that it is indeed possible to meet a great guy and feel good around him. There is such a thing as a great guy!! It is also possible for me to have feelings for an available guy (I was beginning to wonder!). I feel good knowing that my standards are not too high, and that when I lowered them in the past, I was selling myself short – there are good men out there who are attracted to me, who I can connect with. Good to know!

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:14pm

39. 39: Carolina says:

    Thanks Rori!!
    Gina, the same happens to me! I also picture myself (very early on) married with the guy and imagine our life together but since it happens ALWAYS and with EVERY MAN I sort of like, I realized it’s a trick that my mind plays with me.
    When I’m dating several men it’s easier to spot this, because you have visions with different men on the same week!! it doesn’t matter if there’s one that you like better, you can still use your imagination with the other men and it’s the same.
    I have already been married once and I broke up an engagement later. In my case, it’s not the dream of a white wedding what makes me feel anxious, but the dream of a healthy couple and the opportunity to raise a family.
    I hope that what happened to Rori is also going to happen to me, that I’ll meet the right man, will get married and will have children before I turn 40! (I’m 36 now).
    Cheers,
    Caro

    Wednesday, 26 August 2009 @ 8:32pm

40. 40: Symantha says:

    Caro!!!
    Amazing, you rock girl!
    Thanks for adding me and actually I don’t have internet connection so not using MSN but coping with emailsin the BlackBerrie so would be easier that way for now.
    Looking forward to contact and thanks for sharing
    XoXo
    Symantha

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 10:05am

41. 41: Heather says:

    I heard something that amused me on the local news in my area this morning… A man had cheated on his wife, and his wife caught him. As “punishment”, she asked him to stand out at a very busy street corner in the morning rush hour wearing a sign about the size of his body that said: “I CHEATED – THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT”. The story can be found here – http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/I-Cheated-This-Is-My-Punishment-55072497.html.

    At the same time I felt amused by the story, I also felt angry … angry that this is the reality of too many people’s lives.

    My own recent development – last week, I had a fairly strong argument with my boyfriend of almost 6 yrs. We were traveling together and I started feeling triggered, frustrated again with the limbo factor that I have felt on and off for way too long. Bottom line: I let him have it, I didn’t hold back. Neither did he actually. I felt really angry about it, and his words cut like a knife through my heart. The next morning after this, I was alone remembering his words and actually felt a sense of options an more freedom, and thinking more and more seriously about circular dating and really imagining how it would be to find someone who wanted the same things I do and is “ready” for me.

    Well, my boyfriend must have realised what he was saying and afterwards he softened up a lot. Since then, he has been attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, wonderful. Things like feeding the meter for me in the morning, cooking for me, initiating more physical affection, calling me during the day while i am at work to see how I am doing. Maybe, just maybe it sunk in this time.

    Heather

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 11:46am

42. 42: gina says:

    a guy is making me dinner at his place tonight and I’m feeling a little weird: he lives about 45 minutes away. I feel like he is leading the way and giving me energy, but I’m feeling uneasy about driving to his place. Also, I won’t get there till at least 10 pm and this is only the second date. Another thing is that we made out pretty hot and heavy the first date, and I don’t want things to get too physical too fast. Any insight about how to reign this situation under my control?

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:04pm

43. 43: Daria says:

    Gina … I would let him know I feel uncomfortable and leave it up him lead me to feeling comfortable again if he wants to/can

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:14pm

44. 44: Daria says:

    Men can be really amazingly good at that actually…

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:14pm

45. 45: nina says:

    hi Rori
    everything is working good so far
    i feel i can tune my self more and more but the divorce is off the table and we are planing our second honeymoon instead, so…
    i must say its all you [!] both siren and reconnect and the e book that made a complete change for me

    i have two questions:
    1- about talking emails – any tips? – like who says the last words etc…
    2 – i feel schmaltzy when i talk feeling massages, i manage only in writing, and even then it sounds telenovela like – any tips?

    thanks again and again

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:18pm

46. 46: Symantha says:

    Gina,
    I don’t feel sure about the best way to manage a date at his place starting 10pm.
    If were me I wouldn’t put myself in there while I’m getting to know this guy as I would feel afraid of agreeing in a subtle way that apen to anything that might happen due the circunstances. But that’s just me feeling unable to set boundaries after agreeing the date.
    Hold on to yourself and don’t be afraid to express your boundaries, be brave.
    XoXo,
    Symantha

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:19pm

47. 47: Daria says:

    Gina – I wanted to add I would let him know i feel uncomfortable BEFORE I went over there… so that he can lead me to a good feeling about going or else I would have the choice not to go… actually this would seem to me like a great opportunity to “see what he’s made of” in that regard

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:25pm

48. 48: nina says:

    and a third one:
    the other day i took my car broke down and this very nice man helped me, and then we set in the same coffee place [separate tables] i asked for coffee and later on i discovered he payed for it.
    in the old days i might have payed his drink i was that leaning forward, anyway – i felt guilty, all that effort to mend my marriage and im flirting? i mean is there an a platonic circular dating for married wifes?
    i felt so good that i eventually know how to behave, like i own this power, i used to feel transparent for man, i told myself it was age and kids etc… anyway,
    i know i will see him again, its a small place, and i liked what i felt… what i am to do with this situation?

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:35pm

49. 49: Carolina says:

    Gina,

    I would be honest with the guy. Before driving 45′ to his place, I would tell him exactly how you feel about getting intimate. I usually say that for me sex involves too much commitment and for that reason I don’t want to get intimate with a guy I don’t know well enough or with whom I’m not sure I want to have any kind of commitment.
    And please, don’t do anything you’re not absolutely sure you want to do and feels good to you, no matter what the guy’s expectations are.
    Good luck, enjoy and shine!
    Caro

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 2:48pm

50. 50: Ann says:

    Some interesting thoughts and questions thanks for sharing.

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 7:17pm

51. 51: Tracy says:

    Carolina,
    Thanks for sharing your experience….I FINALLY did my first baby step on feeling messages on this guy i really like and i broke it off with him yesterday…I finally let go of it all….I told him how i felt and i explained i needed space to do my thing and go on with my life….I was so afraid of that moment and i wasn’t able to tell him in person so i explained on the phone.I feel so much relief right now and i feel much better….I did like him a lot and i was very much attracted to him but i only want him if he wants the same things i want…I want to feel that we make each other happy and he’s fulfilled by me and i him…I feel that i will have that,that i deserve that,and for now i need to let go of what i don’t want to attract that which i want….
    He still wants us to meet in person and talk,but my mind is made up….it feels good to be honest with how i feel….i haven’t done this in a long time…..i feel great that i finally did my baby step on this one…i can’t wait to get used to this….

    Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 10:42pm

52. 52: gina says:

    Thanks so much for all the insight. I decided to follow my true feelings about him and our vibe rather than my ideas about dating “rules,” and I realized that I did feel pretty comfortable with him. However, I felt pressure to “contribute” wine or something to the meal. he texted me not to worry about it, but I said that I felt weird coming empty handed. He acquiesced, I brought the wine, and ended up feeling like I was overfunctioning (I had gone to a special wine store). I felt a little overwhelmed about entering his world. I didn’t express that – i went into analytical mode, and that’s pretty much what we did the whole time. We analyzed my life path, his history with living situations, my current roommate, politics, etc. I felt comfortable with all that. I didn’t want to be intimate – I felt a lot of inner resistance to getting into a deeper connection. I feel a little confused. I was comfortable with the level of connection that we had – I wonder if I will wish I had gone deeper, later. I did have fun, and I feel comfortable and basically attracted. I guess I’m missing the pain and fear that I associate with love. It feels a little “boring,” for lack of a better term. I guess I’m hoping for lightening bolts and drama. I suppose feeling messages are supposed to facilitate those feelings in a healthy way – okay, next time, I will challenge myself to express feelings about the moment.

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 3:01am

53. 53: Symantha says:

    Hey ladies…

    When dating, even when Im in an exclusive relationship I struggle big time
    with the following.
    The guy in question asks you:
    Do you have plans for tonight? Tomorrow night? or this Sat or this Sun?
    I mean… I might have my best plans B set up as going out with the girls
    or just time with myself doing something that I enjoy but I feel controlled
    when my boyfriend which who Im trying to increase my difficulty level is
    asking me those questions I just inmediately got ‘out of balance’ mode and
    always say: No.. nothing, nop plans. Just because I feel curious what he’s
    going to propose. He might go and respond asking me out or just say..
    nothing just asking, bluhhh!! Is surprinsing how annoyed I feel when this
    happens. Any takes on this one?

    XoXo

    Symantha

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 3:12am

54. 54: Angeline says:

    Hi Rori and all my Siren Friends!

    I have a question about energy exchange. Rori, you seem to be saying that feminin energy receives, and you even have us practice receiving energy from trees and nature. And I agree that it feels really good to lean back and let a guy’s energy in. But I guess I have a little bit of an intellectual “thinking” problem with it, because I don’t want to be an energy vampire! You know those people who just leave you feeling exhausted? I don’t want to be like that. Plus, I know that the energy of my heart and my love is beautiful, and sometimes it feels good to spread it around.

    Rori, can you speak to this a bit? I’m also really curious to know how transitioning into a receiving mode of energy has been for all you beautiful and powerful women!

    ~ Angeline

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 9:12am

55. 55: tinque says:

    Angeline – I love this question ms am anxious to hear Rori’s response.
    As far as I know and feel it, women or feminine energy is LOVE energy all by itself, no extra energy output required. SOFT. WARM, INVITING a beautiful place to visit, revel in, stay for awhile or forever. To be in this realm of feminine energy is a comfort and a joy.
    You don’t have to DO anything at all. You just are this energy. You give without having to give. It just is. You don’t have to consciously spread it around. You already are spreading it around just by being open and vulnerable, just by being you.
    xxoo

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 10:46am

56. 56: Odessa says:

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for you letters and stuff. Here’s my story.

    I was dating this guy a few year’s ago and we broke up (he had another woman that he brought to my house so she could “talk to me”- I was pissed and told him all sorts of things I can’t tell u here). He said he didn’t know what to do and I told him never to call me again.

    That was three years ago and except for seeing me occasionally on the road, he respected my wishes.

    Now our paths have crossed again and he said that he feels the same way he felt about me back then (he has never said exactly ‘what’ he feels) but he had that solemn look.

    He invited me out and I went. We had a good time, but I think I felt reserved and cautious during the evening. I went with him back to his house and ended up helping him with a newspaper article he was writing after i told him I wasn’t interested in having sex with anyone I was not in a committed relationship with. He took me home.

    He called since then several times specifically to talk about sex. He said that he understood what I was saying but that he felt something was missing. Next he told me he wanted to get to the place I was talking about in a relationship but he didn’t know what to do (I don’t know if I believe that). Then he told me he wanted to have children ( I told him I have to be married first).

    The truth is, I want it to work with HIM because I know him already. At this point I don’t feel brave enough to go out and meet new men. I am very busy working two job. I have been trying to lean back and keep my boundaries, But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man. Sometimes I think he is afraid but I don’t want to make excuses for him.

    Can you help?

    Love, Odessa.

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 11:16am

57. 57: la la land says:

    today im sinking real deep
    i try not to resist let it fill me just like birth pain
    but i felt so disconnected and sad and lonely tonight,
    yes i guess im angry to.

    i tried to feeling massage it to him but he was in a party, felt so silly

    im living with a man who is constantly not home, most of the time i live our emails, fuck vegetables and huge trees.[thanks for the tip - it works] – is that what marriage looks like?

    now that i siren myself a bit more i don’t know if i want to fix this marriage
    maybe i want a new guy, that is actually present.

    [is this just another drama to pass over the empty rooms? am i faking this to get a sense of control? i dont want to live in la la land no more, i want something i can bite my teeth on.]

    Friday, 28 August 2009 @ 5:51pm

58. 58: Ginggi says:

    Dear Rori,

    I just want to let you know..You’re an angel and Godsent for us..

    Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 1:48am

59. 59: Rori Raye says:

    Wow – Welcome, la la land. You sound quite “poetic” – which is lovely. Before you start thinking about getting a new man (though Circular Dating will help your vibe and your self-esteem and good feelings) – work with my Tools to change your language with him (The 4 Rules) and to increase your WARMTH with him (The Invitation in Commitment Blueprint – the OPENING your heart part of all the programs and the Rori Raye Dance Position (look in the glossary for short explanations of some of the Tools)). You might be able to shift this marriage very quickly. If you have no programs – start with the ebook – it may just turn everything around for you quickly and turn him into a better man…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:09pm

60. 60: Rori Raye says:

    Odessa, Welcome, and I think Mercedes would be proud of you and your Boundaries. And we would ALL tell you to stay away from this man UNLESS you are Circular Dating up a storm. I know you work so hard and don’t have time — but you talk to men and meet men everywhere – at work, on the street, at the market. You simply need to start. Flirt. Use the Feeling Messages and let conversations happen. PRACTICE. Then this man will fall into place in your life – perhaps OUT of your life and not be so important to you, as he is now. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:33pm

61. 61: Rori Raye says:

    Nina – Welcome, and thank you for your great story and insight and the babysteps you’re taking for yourself. Let him have the last word. Get rid of your need for “closure.” Feeling Messages take PRACTICE. Practice EVERYWHERE, until it feels natural and you’re doing it correctly. About the man who bought you coffee — you handle this by ENJOYING IT!!!!! and Experiencing your enjoyment!!! If he should come over, you talk with him. If he should ask for your number or email address, let him know “I feel so disappointed…and I’m married…” You may take his card “in case that changes” – and save it in a special Circular Dating place in a private drawer. It will make you feel good and powerful. the man who bought you coffee felt good about HIMSELF doing what he did…allow HIM to feel that…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 29 August 2009 @ 12:40pm

62. 62: la la land says:

    hola, i did many mistakes in one bad feeling massage i tried to conduct, tried to communicate the above post i got a divorce threat on the spot, saying im a negative person. i guess it wasn’t well preperd or delivered or both…i remind myself mistake is a part of the proses, but we were doing so god, and now this. i dont want to fail here, i want to be a positive happy person, i just wasn’t for so many years, there’s the truth, i fill like im on trial, dont like that

    Sunday, 30 August 2009 @ 8:02am

63. 63: Mercedes says:

    Odessa: Rori is right…I’m VERY proud of you for standing strong with your boundaries!! I absolutely LOVE reading about that!!

    You said: “But I want to have sex with him. I want him to treat me better, take me seriously and step up and be a man.”

    and I know just how you feel. I can’t promise you THIS man, but I can promise you THE RIGHT man when you stay so strong. When we want a man to treat us better, we need to get stronger because as soon as we compromise a boundary so we can be with him, we show him that the treatment we are getting is enough for us. If it isn’t, then it’s incredibly important to keep reminding him of that by not lowering ourselves.

    If you are strong with what you need and if he is the right man, he’ll give you what you need. If he can’t or won’t, then he’s not enough…and you deserve more than “enough”…you deserve to be cherished.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 8:30am

64. 64: Elise says:

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve been on two dates with this guy a long with calls and texts, and he keeps on saying he loves aggressive women and that I can put more of an effort into our relationship. I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.
    How can I explain to him in a way for him stop implying me to be aggressive?

    Thanks

    Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 10:21am

65. 65: Simple says:

    ok. I have never done this. I need help. fast. I’ve been dating a divorced man (yes I know his ex) for 2 years. He is very stubborn, hard headed, black and white and always right. I was recently separated with little children and vulnerable. I do think I am in love with him. After reading everything yes, i have done it all.. text, email, cook, laundry, everything to be right. I will say I am an attractive woman (petite, blonde and I guess easy on the eyes- so I’ve been told) Many things have happened in our relationship- he has invited me to things then renegged then called to say we were back on. Given my ticket to a concert to his ex and they went. He has dropped me off in the middle of the road at 2am to walk home. He left me at a concert with his friends who were shocked at his behavior and by the time I got home he had left his key on the counter (he does not live with me) All because of my ex. who I have very little to do with except for pick ups and drop offs that last minutes. He says their father doesn’t do enough for his kids, doesn’t pay enough, doesn’t take them enough. I will not push my kids away. I will not push them on a man that doesn’t want them. He has called me names- many- everything you could imagine. liar, wh*re, not a good mother, weak. I could go on and on. When my car broke down- no ride. when my kid was sick- no compassion(especially because the dad was involved in visiting at the hospital) I have told him time and again I am not perfect. But I lead a simple life. I don’t like to fight. He shuts me out for days on end. I am not a name caller. I do not interfere with his divorce or his children. Maybe I’m too simple. I haven’t figured it out. He says he loves me. He never apologizes. ever. When we are together we have fun. at least I thought so. I do. but I’m feeling like a trophy- he calls when he needs that 4th person, or sex. How do I get him to truely committ and love me for me and not worry about my ex?? (who by the way is engaged- I thought that would’ve helpped!) I don’t talk too much because I’m afraid of his reaction and feel like he’ll just shut me out again. I’m always walking on egg shells. I’m too old for games. I don’t know how to play. The song hot & cold is so him.

    Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 12:04pm

66. 66: Rori Raye says:

    Welcome, Simple – and you’re not going to like my answer. I’m going to be tough here: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!! He treats you like scum, he’s unbalanced, narcissistic, weird, mean, angry…just any one of those things he did would get him dumped in my book. Your self-esteem is below floor level. You have to work on yourself. Please, please get your energy away from this man. You will never get him to love you because he CAN’T LOVE!!! Any man who drops a woman off at the side of the road at 2am to walk home alone is a lost cause. Ever heard of Chris Brown? Please, get some help. You are right at that edge where you are about to fall into that place where you not only attract and are attracted to a toxic man — but become enmeshed with him to the destruction of your own self-worth, and often your whole life. Please follow the Tools here and get help from everyone. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:30pm

67. 67: Rori Raye says:

    Elise, Welcome, and here’s my suggestion. Ask him what he means by “aggressive.” I think he may be talking about sex. As far s calls and texts, and all that — don’t get sucked in to initiating. Just return his calls, etc. What you said was PERFECT. “I told him I feel comfortable when the guy leads.” You can also say ” I feel uncomfortable leading. It feels better to be a girl.” Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:33pm

68. 68: tinque says:

    Simple – Before I even got to the end of your post and before I read Rori’s response, her exact words were screaming in my head. OMG!
    WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN!!!
    Plus a few choice other words.
    Rori said it all. I have nothing to add.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:40pm

69. 69: Mercedes says:

    Simple: I’m 100% with Rori and Tinque! Get out of there and work on you and your own self-esteem and boundaries!! You said you love him, but other than fun, you didn’t mention one thing about him that you love. Love isn’t someone being fun. Heck…LIKE isn’t even someone being just fun sometimes! And even if “fun” was really the definition of love…you’re not even sure it’s fun.

    Almost all women who stay in abusive relationships say “But I love him”. You are in an abusive relationship (not even “relationship”…you are attracted to an abusive man) and saying “but I love him” without knowing what it is you love or even like about him is only going to attract more and more abuse.

    Please get out…before he starts to believe you really do love him. If he believes that…things will only get worse. As his power over you grows, things will only get worse. Rori is right…you’ll never make him love you. He can’t and doesn’t deserve your love either.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:53pm

70. 70: Linda G says:

    a question abut circular dating:
    what is the best way to handle when a guy wants to get physically intimate but you don’t feel it. Kissing was okay, but I just want to date and not get involved physically, mostly I am not attracted to him at this time, maybe never. It always seems to be deal breaker for men. Kissing and sex seem to be a normal part of dating for these guys. and I don’t want to “make out” with someone I don’t want to go further with. Is this a signal to cut and run, stop seeing the guy?

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 2:12pm

71. 71: Linda G says:

    PS I have listened to Commitment Blueprint a couple of times, please explain “the invitation” how to achieve that.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 2:15pm

72. 72: Ann says:

    Simple I so agree with Rori, Tinque and Mercedes. The only other thing I want to add is to hell with loving him-love yourself first. You deserve alot better treatment than that and you’re the only one who can show him his behavior is unacceptable.

    Linda I don’t know about “the invitation” as I don’t have the program. But I feel you shouldn’t have sex unless you want to. If when you explain that to the men, they won’t accept it, guess it’s time to move on. That’s my .02

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:20pm

73. 73: Linda G says:

    Thanks, Ann. I guess I just need to be brave enough to say what I’m feeling instead of just shutting down. I am uncertain how they’ll react, but my guess is get all huffy. Either way, it ends there but I don’t feel so wierd about it.

    By the way, Ann, how are you and yours?

    Simple, the hardest and the best thing I’ve learned through Rori is having boundaries and sticking to them. It takes away all the guilt and self analysis.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:38pm

74. 74: Ann says:

    Your welcome Linda. We’ve been doing ok been alot going on. I also have trouble sometimes speaking my feelings but I’m better at it than I was. I need to call it a night but want you to know I enjoy reading everyone’s progress. You have such a way with words.

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 8:52pm

75. 75: la la land says:

    just wanted to updat my case,
    I worked with the siren program through our last crises, and it worked very good for me.
    i found the power of the E,E,E,and E
    instead of getting all stressed from the threat, i explored it, try to notice how it fills to be threatened, how the air the time looks different
    i also found the power of focusing on myself, went jogging instead of crying in bad
    i also realized how i wasnt taking responsible on my own emotion, made him wrong everytime i felt bad.
    i discovered the heavy lid of enxiaty and dipression over everything from happy to sad, just like explaind in the program + the waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    i cant do the feeling massages yet, but i guess one has to be able to feel first…
    anyway. as is, i received immediate results, and amazing melt into myself in his presence sex, that was very new and inspiering
    now i do the window exercise, for his next trip, and i fill very calm
    my only worry, is that on the everyday life i will be able to receive all the good he seems to shower me with [when i m in the correct position] and allow our happiness level to rise

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:55am

76. 76: Daria says:

    LA LA LA – that is AMAZING! you did all that WOW!!! wow seriously that is so much stuff… Great job Girl!

    you took some running baby steps and ran a whole mile!!!

    Here’s some tips to help you find feelings… go to the more recent posts, and ?I think the third one back is
    Tool to soften Yourself Up

    That will probably help you find a feeling. u might think well one feeling, thats not enough, but actually it is. That’s how simple it is. find feeling in moment, no need to find out why you feel it, and then next step is to express it. This can be as random as I feel sad with no explanation. or of course I feel happy with no explanation. If he asks why, well you can say something that inspired u to feel that way, or you can say I don’t know if you don’t know…

    Second tip:
    Go to the POWER and SELF ESTEEM section on the right –>
    go back to the post called problems. Go on through the posts from there, making the lists. Post your lists if you want here ( I did). I would feel happy if you posted under the most recent post available on the front page, that makes your comments easier to find. doinjg the Power and Self Esteem section will teach you to “riff” and really really find your feelings. That’s how I found them. I did not even know what they were.

    Love,
    Daria

    again Wow. ps about your worry, youve just taken a mile worth of baby steps. As you keep baby stepping, you will have even more and more happiness. Relax and enjoy.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:11am

77. 77: Daria says:

    Linda… I want to say try your best not to guess how they’ll react. Rember :”Be surprised”

    If you already set it in your mind that they’ll get huffy, they will pick up on that vibe and are much more likely to do taht.

    Give them the space to do what they do, no guessing… how do you FEEL about it? sounds like you feel “uncertain” as you said, maybe anxious, vulnerable, maybe even afraid../ I might feel, uncomfortable, insecure? I don’t know… thats how I would feel I think.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:34am

78. 78: Rori Raye says:

    Good for you, la la land! Rori

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 10:19am

79. 79: Symantha says:

    Rori and girls,

    I’m trying to start circular dating in the online dating world.. so here’s my question.
    How do you express your intentions when a guy asks you what are you looking for, what type of relationship, what I do want, etc??
    Sometimes they ask this before asking for a date so what would be the no girlfriend speech when you are not even dating yet?
    XoXo
    Symi

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:05pm

80. 80: Simply Shannon says:

    Symi: Answering that question (what are you looking for?) is so awkward, isn’t it? My profile says basically “I’m looking for something long term but I want to get to know you first. So let’s go out and see what happens.” When I get asked this on dates, I pretty much say the same thing. I usually add that even though I was married and then divorced, I don’t feel jaded about marriage. I also don’t feel the need to rush into anything but I’m not looking for casual dating or hook-ups.

    Does that help? Shannon

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:23pm

81. 81: Symantha says:

    SS,

    thanks.. when wondering about this subject you was the first source I was thinking of to ask as I’ve been follow your stories in the CD. I feel a little reserved and don’t know how to open up.
    When the conversation about this is going they also directly ask, are you looking for Mr Right to get marry? and I go numb! like weell…. eeerrrr, mmmmmm, yesmmmm, etc
    but want to scream at the same time: And Im not expecting that Mr Right is you so don’t panic! hahahhhaa
    The point is that I do want to find the one to get marry but in the mean time I ‘need’ to circular date in order to move on from my broken engagement so… is where I feel stuck in the approach and what to express… Im getting there so thank you SS.
    Hughs
    Symi

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:34pm

82. 82: Simple says:

    I couldn’t even get through Mercedes and Ann and Tinque responses without crying. I am so tired. I work 2 jobs, I have 3 children, I’m taking 2 classes and what am I doing with him?? I don’t really know. He does treat me like scum Rori. I know in my head he does. I know I need to leave him. I know I need to let go. My friends (and some of his) say the same thing. many people don’t know some of the things I posted here. I don’t tell anyone. I want people to like him. my heart keeps pulling me back.. he rarely says anything sweet or remotely romantic or compassionate. I know he is incapable of loving anyone except himself. My friends say its not me, its him and that I can’t fix him. I’m not trying to fix him. Am I afraid to be alone? I’m going to be 40. He does help sometimes. He may mow the lawn, or take the kids out for icecream. He finally came to the dr with me and the kids the other day that was the most caring I’ve seen him. I think he is trying to support me….My kids do like him, although they’ve seen me cry too much for my liking. I know I feel like I’m not saying anything positive but my heart is so there… I just wanted it to work so bad. I miss him when we’re not together. I’ll send him a nice text throughout the day just to let him know i’m thinking of him. I don’t think I’m too much or too pushy. I think I’m the normal one. As I said before, i do know his ex. I know she threw things, I know she called 911 over and over, i know she was a screamer. I always thought it was her, not him… and living with that for years wouldn’t it take a while to get away from? But he never seems to care what goes on in my life, never asks how my day was, never asks what I would like.. he makes all the decisions. The other night I decided I was going to go out with some friends I haven’t seen in a long time (they do not like him) So I did. We went to dinner. 3 hours I was told I was gone. What took so long?? ok.. 40 min ride.. 30 min waiting for a table.. then dinner.. and 40 min back.. I have to account for all my time and God forbid if I mess up on my words or say oh I didn’t mean it that way… I’m then a liar. Who did my lips touch… whatever, so now he’s having a guy night out to get back at me… good, go out. please do! whatever makes him happy.. thats when he misses me and of course is drinking and I get the I want you texts…
    Thanks for everyone’s help. I really know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to and there never seems to be a good time…

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:18pm

83. 83: Simple says:

    And he has a wonderful family that I love.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:50pm

84. 84: Simple says:

    We have great friends too….
    Did I say he compares me to his ex? And this woman that threw things is the strong one that follows through on what she says but because I don’t bring my ex to court to increase the child support I don’t follow through, I am a liar.. (cuz i was planning on going to court but then my ex agreed and papers were signed without court) But she is a strong woman and fights for her children.. and I am not.. but he always comes back after he’s not talking to me for days….. we bumped into his ex on vacation and he was so mad at God knows what (guilt, I think) he wouldn’t talk to anyone we were with, walked alone back to the hotel and now his family wants an apology and they haven’t spoken since.. but I know that will eventually blow over (although its been months) I don’t even know if I am making any sense any more.. I’m so confused. All these stories sound so unbelievable. I know if a friend was telling me I’d be shaking her too WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???!! I could type on and on and on.. I’m sorry night is the worst time for me.. he’s working and my kids are in bed

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:59pm

85. 85: la la land says:

    thank you , i could never have gotten this far without this loving safe place…

    now im dealing with his being away again,
    my question here is about the PHONE CALLS, usually they are so short but still i find myself looking forward to them as if my life are dependent on it, and when they arrive they fill of technical info and they finish with him wanting to hangup and me trying to say just one more thing, now all this feels like the old me, how does the new me treats the phone calls issue?

    1- i try to never call or sms him [sometimes i still do]
    2- i keep myself busy doing my own things
    3 – when he calls, i find myself trying to describe everything i went through since we last spoke – maybe here is were i push him away? maybe i should just relate to the presence moment ?

    any tips?

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 3:47am

86. 86: Aldonza says:

    @Simple
    Stop struggling.

    Seriously. You’re twisting yourself inside out for a man who won’t budge an inch. Stop making excuses for him. Stop clinging to the tiny little things he does (than any human would do without thought). Stop trying to justify his actions by those of his ex. I’m telling you right now, his ex *was* as insane as he says she was. She was insane because *she* was fighting the same battle you’re fighting now and it *made* her insane. It’s making *you* insane.

    This isn’t love. This is addiction. It’s no different than sitting in an ally with a needle in your arm…and probably just as harmful. You’re life is circling around this man like the eye of the hurricane. He gets to be all calm and rational because you’re blowing in the wind.

    It is *not* going to get better. You can lean back until you’re prostrate and all he’ll do is step over you. Rori’s tools work, but only with men who have normal emotional reactions. This man is a narcissist. (Google narcissistic personality disorder for more information.) His reactions are so warped they’re triggering you to try harder and harder. You can’t make him care. I don’t believe he’s capable.

    It isn’t him. It *is* you. You choose to be with him. Stop choosing him. Start choosing you.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 5:36am

87. 87: Carolina says:

    Hi Rori (et al:)),

    I’m in London already and following your advise I will practise with all these Englishmen here. I’ve created a profile in an Internet Dating Site and I plan to start Circular Dating. I wanted your candid criticism of what I’ve wrote there. My description goes as follows:

    “I know I’m beautiful inside and out. Feminine, sensible, generous, a little bit whimsy and a very good friend. I have a beautiful life, a rewarding professional career and many close friends. I’m thrilled that I have the job that I always dreamed of. As a corporate counsel working for a multinational company, I ve recently relocated into London and I’m looking forward to make of this experience the time of my life. I speak Spanish, English and Italian. I have a positive attitude and a big smile. I love the outdoors. It s easier to found me in the country side riding a horse, walking in the park, lying in the sun by a swimming pool or at a coffee table chatting with my friends than at a bar or night club. I can feel comfortable around all kind of people and circumstances and actually I like to experience diverse environments. I can be at ease wearing a little black dress and stilettos for a special night out, in a smart suit attending a company conference or wearing a white t-shirt and jeans for a Sunday brunch. Somewhere out there there s a man who is smart, a gentleman, generous with his time, not afraid to share his affection, someone with whom I can get lost in conversation with just as easily as we can share one of those moments of comfortable silence in each other s arms. Someone who would me feel safe and warm. If you are funny, intelligent, confident, handsome, patient, enjoy children and enjoy the outdoors you’re perfect! But if you’re less than perfect, then we already have a lot in common.”

    Any thoughts?

    Cheers,
    Caro

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:12am

88. 88: Simply Shannon says:

    Caro: I LOVE what you’ve written. And I’m stealing the last line of your profile. That is AWESOME!!! Mine says something like “I’m not perfect (shh- don’t tell anyone) and I don’t expect you to be either.” I’m stealing yours! I love it! Good luck to you Caro!

    Shannon

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:28am

89. 89: tinque says:

    Simple – My heart is aching for you and aching in recognition. Your sense of worth is low as mine was many years ago, and when in such a state, we settle for crumbs and feel grateful for those little bits of nothing. Yet we know deep inside or not so deeply that this is WRONG, and we DO deserve so much more.
    Your conflict feels familiar. It’s YOUR time now. You have a full plate, yet you need to take the time to make yourself SMILE, make yourself feel GOOD. The classes you are taking I hope fall in this scope. For me going back to college was the first step out, a BIG one at that.
    And thankfully it was the beginning of the end of a horribly destructive relationship, no physical abuse but plenty of emotional just as it seems with you. He’s tearing you into little pieces. Please don’t let him do that anymore.
    xxoo

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:59am

90. 90: Mercedes says:

    Aldonza: Thank you! What you said to Simple needed to be said…

    Simple: I would love to help you, but nobody can help you until you break away from this man forever. It doesn’t matter that he mows the lawn or tells you he misses you via drunk text (that stuff means he wants to use you for sex). He needs to be gone from your life!!

    Aldonza is right…his ex was acting crazy. So are you! The two of you deal with trauma differently. She lets it out in rages, you stuff it down. She was traumatized by this man…she had to deal with it. That doesn’t make her a bad person…it makes her a human who had to deal with trauma. Same goes for you. Personally, I don’t push down feelings and I’m pretty much NEVER one to hold back on telling J exactly what I think and/or feel. If you don’t do things my way or his ex’s way or Rori’s way..that’s okay. But right now, you DO need to learn how to deal with your trauma in a healthy way. The ONLY way you can possibly start dealing with it and healing from it is to remove it from your life.

    Get him out of your life before he destroys you. You will already have a LOT of healing to do. Remove him or you will end up believing he’s what you need. He isn’t. You deserve better. Believe that so we can all help you.

    Look at your children. They may say they “like” him, but if they’ve seen you cry even ONE time over this man…they’re just too afraid to hurt you by telling you the truth. Children have unconditional love for their parents…not for their mom’s boyfriend. They don’t like him…they just don’t want to hurt you. They can’t tell you that because they are learning from you. You are teaching them to “put up with whatever a man does to you” (girls) and to “treat a woman like trash” (boys) and to push down all your thoughts and feelings and NEVER tell the other person something that will hurt them. You children cannot be honest with you because they’ll hurt you. Can you look at them and decide NO MAN who has EVER made you cry in front of you children is worth it? Please…can you teach them better lessons? Can you show them how to be honest about their feelings so they don’t follow your pattern? Can you work on YOU so that your children can see what a confident, strong, healthy woman is like?

    We all want to help…and we can’t with him in your life.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:21am

91. 91: DocK says:

    Hi Simple

    I feel so sad reading your story. I was there. The guy I have written about that I call “Ex” (BF not husband) – I could sit here and write a litany of things he did that were just unbelievable and had people shaking their heads at the DocK they thought was so sensible and confident and how/why I was tolerating this. But the “whats” of his behaviour aren’t even the point – the point is that he was angry, selfish, and hurtful to me. He had moments of being sweet and funny but those got to be fewer and fewer. ( I do believe he was narcisstic as well.)

    I felt trapped in a way because although I wasn’t married to him or living with him we worked together. I also didn’t know anyone outside of work – hard as I tried to get out and meet people (and believe me – I get in the car and go places) and I was at a point of feeling so lonely that I really did think I might harm myself.

    Sometimes I wish someone could just put me in a lab and analyze the moment that I knew I wasn’t going to “do” this relationship anymore. I often wonder when did the moment ENOUGH click into gear.

    BUT it did happen and my life changed for the better in so many ways that I was always grinning from ear to ear and so happy.

    Aldonza and Tinque are so right. Loving yourself, breaking out, doing things you love, honoring yourself – you start and it gets easier until one day you just look at this guy and think – what was I so enamored of with him?

    My Ex has moved back again from west to east coast but I won’t talk to him. He is confused, I know, because at a certain point in our parting I did try to still be friendly and help him with info in his new job. but enough really became enough.

    Someone was writing in one of the threads about not being able to afford the programs right now. I know a number of women posting here have mentioned this. They are SO critical, and they have been so helpful to me. With my current LI – I DID run over and over and over again away from him that I am shocked he’s still here. The programs helped me with my self-confidence, self-love and speaking from feelings and setting boundaries. I am enjoying the moment but I am also OK no matter what happens because I am SO much more OK and strong on the inside.

    Thinking about the programs and money issues – I am wondering if there is a way we could start a Rori fund to get programs to women that need them.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:26am

92. 92: Simply Shannon says:

    Simple: I feel hesitant to respond simply because I’ve been in your shoes and reading your words triggers in me a lot of different things. I was married to an alcoholic for many years. He wasn’t a wake-up-and-drink kind of drunk but he would get blitzed every time he did drink. He would drink and drive, was never around, usually passed out in his leather recliner when he came home. He never hit me but was aggressive at times. And emotionally he was just never there much unless it was to argue with me. We had some good times at first but it took me a long time to see what was really going on. It took me even longer to stop making excuses for him.

    I feel concerned for your safety. Reading your posts reminds me of what my counselor at the time said… “it always gets worse. Once they are on the slide down, it always gets worse.” I know at that time I felt scared to do anything differently. I felt too afraid to rock the boat and to lose him. Ack. The thing is… he was already gone. *I* was the one hanging on.

    Like Aldonza says “choose you”. Do what feels GOOD to you, for YOU. Find a safe place for you and your children. Maybe even find a counselor. I feel horrible saying these things to you because I remember how awful I felt about myself during those last few years. The thing is that I KNOW you can do this. And I’m living proof that things can be better once you get away from that craziness. I don’t have a perfect life but I don’t feel stuck anymore and that alone is such a relief. A HUGE weight lifted off me the minute I kicked him out.

    I feel scared that you will stop posting because maybe you aren’t ready to hear what we are saying. (I remember feeling like that for a very long time.) I hope you will stay and go on this journey with us. (((Gentle Hugs)))

    Shannon

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:30am

93. 93: Simple says:

    I so appreciate everyone. I cannot talk to anyone. I feel so weak, I feel like I have lost myself. and when he pays any attention to me I feel like I finally matter. I have to be careful to delete my computer history. I don’t know how often I can get on.. I really want to try, I just am not strong right now. I’m so confused I can’t even organize my own thoughts. I keep trying to concentrate on my kids but I want them to see me happy in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if its me. I was never this way with my ex. I just want to be wanted and genuinely loved. I don’t like all this drama, I have never been in a relationship where I feel like its a game and I am the pawn. but he keeps telling me its me.. is it possible to be almost 50 and never grow up? He has tantrums and shuts me out for days on end.. and I end up feeling like a begger.. I know I need to be strong. I KNOW it, but then I feel so weak when he pays me any attention. He tels me I’m not open and honest, I swear to you I am the most open and honest person, i can’t lie I know it would be seen all over me. lie about what anyway?? the names hurt me so bad. I start believing him that no man will want me. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t really believe another would be different.. aren’t they all the same???? I love to go out with him, have a drink, walk the beach, have dinner, I am not lazy. I know how to have a good time. I’m not gross. I’m not boring. I’m up for anything- a movie out, or on the couch. I’m pretty easy going. I like simple. I have 2 friends that are so sick of hearing me and I’m sick of telling them. I don’t want to lose their friendship over him but I know they’re pulling away from me. He tells me every other week he wants nothing to do with me, doesn’t talk to me for days on end, then acts like nothing is wrong… its a cycle. Why does he have to be so complicated and dramatic?!? Why do I have to be so weak to him?

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 10:02am

94. 94: Simply Shannon says:

    Simple: Anything this man says is a reflection of how he feels about himself, not you. Literally imagine that you are holding a mirror in front of your face, and he is talking to his own image. His words are a reflection of him, not you.

    Regardless of your past, right now, today, you are choosing this. This is about you because this is the life you are choosing. I remember feeling weak for a very long time. Then one day something happened that tipped the scales (I found phone calls to other women) and that was it. That was enough. Looking back I feel ridiculous that I didn’t say “enough” earlier but that one thing did it for me.

    All men are NOT the same. There are really good ones out there who would love to treat you like a goddess. But the fact is, this one has a hold of you, and no other man can get to you until you release him. I know your fear. I’ve been there but I am choosing to move forward. You do not have to choose this anymore. You can literally choose today to do something different. Start small if that’s easier for you right now. You do not have to live this way. (((HUGS)))

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 10:19am

95. 95: Simple says:

    OMG Aldonza, I did actually look up the definition of narcissistic personality. I thought it was just one loving themselves. I cannot even tell you how this describes him. He jokes he is God and everyone must be as good as he is. He actually says he has aposlettes at work (these women cook and bring in his lunch!!) He so needs to be admired and thinks he is entitled. He absolutely has NO EMPATHY. one day I did ask him if he even knew what it meant. I just don’t understand how someone cannot see or hear what they say and do and how their action or lack of and/or what they say how they hurt someone- I just have such a hard time understanding and I’m the one that keeps getting hurt. He wants people to be envious of us, he says things like they wish they were us- but its all show…no one should be envious of us at all. AT ALL.
    Thank you so much to everyone. I am reading your posts over and over. Everybody has been so nice to me. I feel like such a fool for keep letting him back in and I know I probably will again.. although my heart is fast drifting away. I am losing respect for him (and myself). I reached out for an objective opinion. I reached out knowing I have to do something. Its just a matter of when and how.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 4:34pm

96. 96: tinque says:

    Oh Simple – Please don’t think badly of yourself or feel you are weak or whatever nasty thing you find yourself calling yourself. I can only speak for myself here, but I’ve been where you are. Very different kind of man, yet one from whom I should have run screaming within a year, and I did try to leave, three or four times, how many exactly I forget, but he would beg, plead, cry, so I would stay, again and again and again. It took thirteen years plus to get out. And it wasn’t even me who said enough is enough. It was he who asked for the divorce. My first words were, “It’s about time.”
    Was I weak? I don’t know. Scared sure. Little to no self-esteem? Yes. Did it take a long time to work through all of this? YES. Was there a man out there who could really love and love me, damage and all? A VERY LOUD YES!!!
    xxoo

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:34pm

97. 97: la la land says:

    hi simple

    i think you might find this links interesting:

    http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

    http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/index.php
    try the ‘patterns of recovery’ document

    both are just let you know were you are
    but to do something about it i think the ‘modern siren’ program to listen to when you are driving is the best fastest solution…

    good luck

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 12:30am

98. 98: Flipper says:

    My heart goes out to All of You, Each and every one, and All parts of each.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 2:06pm

99. 99: Angeline says:

    Groan, this guy asked me out for an after work drink today, but he hasn’t called or texted me to tell me where we’re meeting. I’m not going to contact him. I don’t even like him that much so it’s frustrating that he’s apparently forgotten about making plans with me. I feel unwanted and angry. Now I’m just trying to avoid feeling dissapointed with men in general.

    I’m just trying to get this circular dating stuff happening… I guess it can probably take a little while for it to get off the ground?

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:36pm

100. 100: Rori Raye says:

     Angeline, You’re off the ground already!!! This experience — write it up, the way I have you do in Targeting Mr. Right. Write his name, what happened, how you felt, the Tools you used. So that NOTHING is WASTED!! Everything is Circular Dating. Every transaction, every no-show— all of it. Love, Rori

     Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 5:26pm

101. 101: la la land says:

     hi rori
     im drowning again
     i had this dream, we were sitting in the theater and he was saying he wants out, and i realized i couldn’t go through another cycle, i cant function in a constant test
     its like in order to be well and calm i have to totally accept the fact that he might leave.
     i know he has plenty of backup girlfriends ready and he prepared a way out for him, it was i who surprised him with my new tools, [ he even said so, "you totally surprised me, i never thought you could change after all this years"] but he already has his way out planned for him, and each move i do wrong pushes him there, its like his suitcase is already packed
     this feels like a nightmere,

     Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 11:35pm

102. 102: Ginggi says:

     Dear rori,

     my men just asking me this question “can you live without me?” i feel sad rori..i think this question meaning he wants to leave me am i right?

     what to do please..?

     Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 6:42am

103. 103: Angeline says:

     Hi Rori,

     Thanks! I got it, it’s all part of the process, right? Anyways, he ended up texting and taking me out for a very nice night. It was really hard for me to lean back and let him pay, but he seemed happy to do it.

     ~ Angeline

     Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 10:38am

104. 104: la la land says:

     this is like the eastern wall, right?

     anyway im baby stepping myself through the siren program, i feel better just by putting the cd and driving, i get it now that my falls are what Rory refers to as ‘cold turkey’, i am happy to the opportunity of having more work at the moment which get me driving, and thinking about other things, [using the opportunity to get a new dress :-} ] i guess this is like learning how to drive, the first few rounds at the neighborhood is so scary and then you can drive for hours without any effort, i also noticed my humor and my musical taste is changing, im looking for the positiveness everywhere now, things that use to be my things, dont work for me anymore, do you know it?

     Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 1:20pm

105. 105: Daria says:

     Wow la la land, i never thought of it like driving, at first scary then it’s just natural! wow that’s amazing11111

     Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 11:17pm

106. 106: T.R. says:

     I am feeling confused about the non-commitment from my man and hoping to gain a little insight from you ladies. I have been dating him for several months and he has told me that he is in love with me. However, he is going through a hard time and really has not treated me like a girlfriend for months. I ended our relationship and told him that I want a true commitment. Now he still calls, and I feel both happy and hurt when I talk to him. If a man does not commit in a way that feels good to us, what is a good next step when you still want to have a relationship with him?

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 12:02am

107. 107: la la land says:

     last night i searched this blog and came across this article about man that resist sex to avoid conection
     then this guest coach said:
     ” I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering. The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.”

     this is hard for me, since this is the situation im dealing with for the last 15 years, this is what made me so insecure obsessive and jealous, would you say its useless to even try?
     i mean i got good response to the siren program including the sex part, but maybe no matter what, this problem will always be there…
     im invested over my head here with kids etc, how can i know if im doing the right thing?!

     in your book you say first we have to comet, how come this question is still relevant for me after all this years?

     he is returning home today and i intend to be leaning back and receiving, but i feel angry, why do i have to cope with his childhood trauma?

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 5:15am

108. 108: Carolina says:

     Hi Rori!
     I met this really good looking guy at a London bar. I was with a gal friend and he was with a male friend who was with a girl. I used the tools, smiled, leaned back, became an invitation and within minutes he was talking to me and couldn’t get his eyes out of me. But… He suddenly excused himself and disappeared without asking for my number or anything. His friend then joined my friend and I (the girl had left) and the three of us chatted for a while. He said he’s going to South America and we exchanged our contact details to add each other on facebook. When my good looking guy came back my friend and I where leaving so we politely said good night and left.
     Today I got this message in facebook from good looking guy:

     “Subject:
     Out of the blue…

     …but not the crystal blue that caresses the Buenos Aires sky.

     I took your details from XXX because I wanted to explain about how things went (wrong) on Friday night. I disappeared quite abruptly, which I know must have seemed rude – because my ex-girlfriend and her friends had arrived very unexpectedly at the bar. Without going into the details, she was quite distraught that I had ended it with her and when I saw the shock in her face to find me in BBB I thought it was better to go outside with her to avoid a (dramatic Italian) scene in the club. It was not an easy situation to take control of, and I understand it may have seemed suspicious.

     I enjoyed talking to you and hope that I did not make such a negative first impression that you won’t consider meeting for another drink one day soon. When I cut out we were talking about moving to new cities, and I was about to say that I knew the “hard, first steps” well since I have moved many times: Athens, Montreal, Miami, Amsterdam and now London. In the very least, I would be happy to introduce you to other international friends – quite a few of which are also young professional women from Latin American (no Porteno societies please!).

     Be well, and hope to talk soon.
     XXX
     (his cell number)”

     I don’t like he telling me that he dumped his ex, that she is upset, that she is capable of doing a drama, I find that not exactly mature and of a gentleman.

     One of the things I think we women fail at is at spotting players, immature and narcissistic men early on. Then we wonder why we end up crying and suffering. Is this one of those guys or he just made a wrong choice of words?

     If I give it a chance, how can I answer this with feeling messages??

     Caro in London )

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:02am

109. 109: Uschi says:

     we have been together for a bit more than 8 years and last month on Aug. 20th was the 8th anniversary of him asking me to marry him. We have been living together since then. Now we are having major problems. About 6 years ago we had a big fight and things started turning cold. We were basically fighting about my stuff and that I had too much etc. He wanted me to get rid of it and I told him that I couldn’t cause I needed it and some of it had memories attached to it. After having been married twice before once to a guy who was in Vietnam and a bit nuts the second an alcoholic I didn’t want, what I earned so hard or collected, to lose it again. I don’t remember how I said it but he took it as if the stuff was worth more to me then him. He never told me how it made him feel or how he took it until recently. We used to go to the boat a lot and he got very heavily involved with a volunteer dive and research group and he is the driving force behind it. I had a job ( I am a Florist ) that took me away from going to the boats on weekends having to work Saturdays. Well after that I only went to the boat with him occasionally, the past year or so not at all. There is a woman that he let stay on the boat cause it is the only way she can for now keep her job, she also is involved with this research thing. Recently we have had more fights, he wanted to shut down his job here and permanently move to the boat. He has a great Job editing a yearly book we live in the house of the publisher above the office that’s in the basement.
     I asked him in the last argument if there is another woman and he said yes. She is the one living on his boat, about the age of his daughter and they got the diving interest together. Somewhere in the conversation he said ’she is a lot of fun to be with’ and then he paused and said ‘for now’
     Since that first fight we have had no intimacy and I didn’t know the reason for that until he told me that what I said in the first fight washed like ice water over him and he lost the feelings for me. Being a Capricorn I understand that he is all about doing and not saying I also know that they can just shut down and turn inward. He keeps his feelings close to his heart. How can I bring back that relationship and connect to what we had and know we could have again cause I don’t believe that inside he is totally cold to me. He is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Even now he was considering helping me with my storage (inheritance furniture etc from Germany) so I wont lose the stuff, but he then said he cant do it and wont. When I asked him to work with me on the relationship he doesn’t tell me no he just says he doesn’t think it is possible for him to get back what we had. He said he is too pissed, doesn’t have hope, doesn’t see it happening for him, doesn’t see it in the future and doesn’t believe it an be turned around. I don’t believe this woman is anything serious it is more or less a sexual release because we haven’t done that in so long. However I do believe that this woman is in part for his recent behavior. I had an intuition about her when I met her a while back and the same intuition tells me that this is not going to last.
     So what can I do to get this relationship back on track. I don’t want to do the wrong things or scare him away even more. His major gripe is that he feels obligated to me, that he wants me to be independent and on my own financially. He said that right now he feels pissed off at the situation and that he feels like he is reentering the real world coming home from the boat. He said he feels used and taken advantage of and that because I don’t have a job right now and before only had a part time job. Though for the most part I have been paying my own bills.
     I do have several hobbies, photography, knitting on my knitting machine (I have lots of cones of wool) and I do like to play some games on the PC for relaxation. My hobby-things do take up some space and I have been making an attempt to organize things better, after all he is really mostly complaining about all my stuff. His hobby is diving and research into old shipwrecks here on the bay (MD Chesapeake bay) and up and down the east coast. He or rather this volunteer group even got a grant from MD to do such work. He has a lot of friends who do the work with him and also belong to this group. He is shutting me out from that too.
     I do not have the financial resources right now either to move out and be on my own or even buy your book and being without a job I feel it would give me the time with him that I need to get things back on even keel. Since he is working downstairs I have to kind of leave him alone during work hours, but just today he said he doesn’t even like coming upstairs and spending time with me. I also feel if we make it through this then we will have a stronger relationship that we have had before.
     However I need some help and some advice on how to do it very soon. I had actually considered to go to this other woman and tell her to back off but feel that would just drive him away further and I don’t want to resort to other stupid things that for sure would tear us apart. Please don’t tell me to buy your book because right now I am really not in a position to purchase that.
     Please help.
     Ursula

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 5:53pm

110. 110: Rori Raye says:

     Ursula, Welcome — you sound to me like a very, very interesting woman…
     1. Find a way to make money doing what you love …NOW. Forget about this relationship entirely – put him out of your mind and focus entirely on making money, becoming financially solid…
     2. Start Circular Dating (you’ll find out more how to do this here…) start with FLIRTING…and let him know you love him, you’d love to keep seeing him, and that if he’s not feeling what will give you what you need in a relationship, you’ll be keeping your options open. You can’t say this until you’ve been working at it a bit and feel comfortable around new men.
     Love, Rori

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:49pm

111. 111: Uschi says:

     Hi Rori and thanks for responding so fast. I read your post about Rescuing A Marriage Right At The Edge Of Disaster – well this is basically my situation because all of a sudden he said – I am going to shut everything down in the fall meaning his job ( as mentioned before we live in the house of a publisher of a social book) and move out to the boat. Except I wasn’t as smart as this woman and did what you called leaning forward. He blew me away with this comment and I was hurting and trying to argue of keeping the relationship alive. I cant take this back I can only go from here. I don’t at the same time want to put him out of my mind but do things that will get us back together, because the more I think about this and after reading the story I mentioned above it seems to me I should have said the same thing “I dont buy it” I am not sure about the circular dating because to be quite honest I am not interested in any other men or even letting them approach me in any way, It feels too much like cheating to me and two wrongs never make it right. I’ve been trying to get a job, however nothing is out there right now and trying to get my own started is very difficult also in this current state of the economy. So I am working on the house to at least take care of some of the complaints he has to remove them so to speak but without all the things we had it’s like I missing the energy to do it. So each day I try to do a little bit as I can deal with it. It also seems like I am cleaning up not only the mess in the house but also the mess in my life. I am hoping that when I am done the stage is set for something new with him, kind of a new start. He hasn’t left yet and is not shutting anything down just now so that gives me the time to learn more about your way of doing things and the time to get it all worked out. Putting him out of my mind really is not an option because when it comes down to it he is worth it and I love him. I know that when he comes around I will have the man that I want and need because I had it before and just didn’t know it. I let things get away from me settling in and not doing anything to work on the relationship cause I didn’t know how so I let days weeks month and years go by not doing anything when I felt deep inside that something was missing. It was me doing the wrong things pushing nagging or not doing anything at all to make things better or communicate or let him come to me or opening up to him so he could come.
     Simply stated I love him and now I feel I have at least some tools I can work with.
     Thanks
     U

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 7:41pm

112. 112: Maria says:

     Girls and boys,

     update of the circualr dating results so far.

     Tell me if this sound right:
     He does not say much, nor does he bring flowers, but l feel very much at ease around him. He is stabile in everything he does. He knows all my bad qualities (lm lazy sometimes) and in a way l feel like anything l do or might do is ok with him and not cos he tries to please me, but he is just very grown up and he does not take it as big deal. l feel like l can rely on him. When l ask help l can be sure that l will receive it. Bottom line – a man does what he says. p,s. he has said he loves me.

     And then tell me if this sounds right:

     lve been thinking about him since 2006. He brings butterflies to my stomack. He turns me on. However, l feel tiny and little around him. He says very nice things to me. Like – lm the most sexiest woman he has ever come across to (check), lm love of his life (check), he cant be without me (check).
     And the funny thing is – l dont feel none of those things. When l tell him that, he gets angry. he also says l dont pay much attention to him, which is not true, yet he is very selfish in some ways. (liek there are 2 people loving him on that relationship) Plus, l cant count on what he says. Most probably he changes it in next minute.
     lm under some kind of spell – like whenever lm with him, l loose my power. l dont like it.

     Now you may think the first one is right and second is wrong. However l think those 2 are 2 opposites. l miss the butterflies on 1 st one, and reliabilty in 2nd one. Should l go for nr.1 and be without passion, or should l learn some tasks to pin down nr 2, who has captured all my mind and soul? p.s. he has also said he loves me.

     Maria

     Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 9:48pm

113. 113: Rori Raye says:

     Maria, Circular Dating does NOT mean 2 men. 2 men are very difficult because you’re always bouncing between. Date as many men as you can, and it will all get clear to you. You’re looking for the experience with a man that’s “just right…” Love, Rori

     Monday, 7 September 2009 @ 10:15am

114. 114: Daria says:

     Uschi – I feel concerned and hear your resistance to Rori’s advice. The way to keep the man you love is to focus on yourself, and also, if he is not treating you the way you want (he is not) then you must circular date. Refusing to do this and focusing on him and how to please him will only push him away.

     Monday, 7 September 2009 @ 6:04pm

115. 115: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     trust me I am not resisting, just trying to wrap my mind around this totally brand new concept and quite honesty it does not yet feel comfortable. I wish I could afford the book but I just cant at this time. So I am reading this blog, trying to pick up some of what is needed for me to do.
     The fact is that we are still living together and he is supporting me. I have been trying to get a job but have not been able to get one yet. I believe he wouldn’t still be here if he was a nasty person or I didn’t mean anything to him, even though he is saying that I am a drain on him and is finances. But he does go to the boat on weekends and has this young woman out there the age of his oldest daughter. He made this remark about her “She is a lot of fun to be with” and then he paused and then said “for now”
     So, in effect we still live together, he is still supporting me, but he is distant, very distant. Yet we talk and take care of every day stuff.
     He works downstairs and also takes care of things concerning his volunteer group from there and what really totally blows me away is that when something is going on, concerning his volunteer group, he comes upstairs and shares that with me, tells me about it and I can feel how proud he is of the things he is accomplishing with that. I think that this is actually a positive thing that he is doing that and it makes me think not everything is lost. However, he doesn’t want me there on the boat to be part of this group though he has expressed that he wants someone to share all this with him. (and she does that and is part of this group) And I have seen this group, felt the camaraderie that exists between then and I want to be a part of that.
     So when he comes upstairs and tells me about what is going on, I am open to him, listen to him give him positive feedback and then he walks away again.
     Writing this and thinking about it makes me feel like as if he is asking for something of me and somehow I don’t get it.
     So combining this with what he said, he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore etc., I have to much stuff and too much clutter, that I hang on to things that don’t mean anything (even though this stuff is in part for a business I am hoping to start) and that I am draining him it confuses me because to me those are mixed messages. On one hand he shares with me and on the other he tells me that what I do doesn’t fit in with what he does. So is he wishing in one hand and shitting in the other?

     Then I go searching on the net for some help out there and come across this blog and website. I am sticking with it because I feel there is something there that makes a lot of sense and the other stuff out there is just pulling money out of your pocket by buying their books etc. that when I read their site is just a bogus way of advertising.
     However implementing Rori’s advise, is a totally new concept to me and strange, unfamiliar and new yet it makes sense and she is the only one out there with a blog like this. And though it makes sense it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around it and abandon my old way of thinking, doing and acting.
     I read this in the evening when I shut myself in my room, give him space and let him be, do my own thing try to learn about this and then I tell myself “I will start to implement some of this tomorrow, just one thing and then the next day another and so on” but the next day comes and here is this old rut that I am in and I want to step out and just don’t quite have the guts to do it but I am getting closer. However, I feel something is braking lose, hanging there on the edge ready to brake. I am just not quite ready or able yet to let it brake because I have not found that one thing, word, sentence or whatever to reach for and say this is it to reach for.

     There was a post on one of your pages and I quote below in ( ) that is so true that spoke so much from my heart that it made me cry and I am crying a lot lately.

     ( “A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade. Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.”

     I KNOW that’s true. That was what I had with my husband when we were dating. It was magical and wonderful and it did expand us. You could FEEL the good will between us, and everything we had to do was just joyful working together, no drama, no fights, no nothing.

     It really was absolutely amazing. And now I feel so sad thinking that the fire has gone out for good, like I’ll never even SEE it again much less experience it. And I love my sadness and I love the fact that I DID experience that wonderful kind of chemistry for some time in my life…and I so want to experience it FOREVER. That would feel like me being warm and expansive and joyful, like I don’t have to keep secrets or hide behind a wall anymore, like I can Just Be when I’m with him, and like I can say ANYTHING–even the hard things–and it’ll be heard. And I want to feel a loving physical connection with a good man again. That is what I want to see happen in my marriage and in my love life. And a voice in my head is telling me I can’t have that, that romance only ever declines and can never be rekindled once it’s gone, that once a man has SEEN me for who I am the mystery is gone and he’ll never be interested again. And I love that Voice but I don’t want to listen to it, I want to believe that I’ve still got plenty of mystery in me and that I have the essence of divine, healing femininity within me…that I can HEAL my relationship and myself and my man, just by being me. And that would feel warm, joyful, and blissful throughout my entire body…and now I’m going to go dance so I can get that feeling going.)

     This spoke so much from my heart and is so real and so true and so what I feel, and I am almost ready to change a few words into us, you, etc and write it to him as a letter.

     I need some help, how do I start and get out of the rut to brake off what needs to brake that I feel so close to braking and reach for that other that I don’t quite see yet.

     There is no Notify me of follow up comments via e-mail will there be a follow up to this. I really need some answers and some help

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 5:53am

116. 116: la la land says:

     i had some fantastic results… i delivered my first feeling massage that actually worked
     first it felt spooky, beacuse it was just as rory described: he did that, i gor treegered, i went outside, i felt being sad,
     then he came he said: are you crying,
     i said, its just feels sad to me this situation,
     then he said, yes, i understand, i should probably do this and that,
     i was shocked, than i said i feel so happy,
     then he said, well its easy for me, you stopped attacking me, then we went off into the sunset holding hands…

     it felt like the moment in wizard of oz when the black and white film became colors, and then i had the sound of the casino machines when all the money falls like rain, what can i say, i don’t remember such meaningful life changing learning since my driving, i think Rory should get a noble prize for her work…

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 6:33am

117. 117: Daria says:

     Hi Uschi -

     post on the newest front page post (even if it’s a different topic) and we will help you through.

     Awesome job turning to the good feelings toward the end of your post… and especially imagining what thtat would be like (that was a trouble spot for me).

     We all practice this in babysteps, just implement a little thing.

     Do not write him a letter using we/or YOU. That is something we totally avoid.

     If you would like to write such a letter, Rori calls it “Power Speech” write what you feel, then take every statement and turn it into an “I feel…” or an “I don’t want…” keep the word YOU out of it as it makes it hard for the otehr person to hear your feelings. The letter might wind up being short, which is good… also stick in a couple of “What do you think?” in there asking him what he THINKS not feels involves him in the process… (ok to use you in that statement)…

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 2:54pm

118. 118: Daria says:

     La la land that rocks!

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 2:55pm

119. 119: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion that a lot has to do with respect. He didn’t respect some of me so in turn I didn’t respect some or most of him and it seems to a man respect is a lot and that a man when being respected is also being loved. But if one feels kind of down on themselves then they are missing respect for themselves and that is how I understand the loving yourself thing.
     If we did not respect each other then we were mirroring each other and that lead to the brake down.
     That leads me to understand and think that if I make that start and work on the things that I need to work on and are a huge complaint in his eyes, then I also work on myself and in fact giving him what he needs and what I need.
     With that power speech I will need some help and suggestion, because I know that what I took from that other post is just a bit mushy for him LOL but it worked wonders for me, he is just all logic and feelings to him just get in the way of things that need to be done or so he keeps saying. His things is don’t tell me what you are going to do just do it. With this I guess he is waiting to see what is really being done and it not all be words and empty promises.
     Help please with that power speech.
     Sending a big THANK YOU too
     Uschi

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 3:22pm

120. 120: Daria says:

     Hi Uschi- yes men are genearally pretty logical and straightforward… that’s how we want them to be… that is masculine energy

     it’s up to us to be soft, feminine and “mushy” and share our feeling messages with him in a way he can hear (regardless of what he says, or “expects” from us)

     check out the Speeches for Communicating With a Man category on the right hand column
     ======>

     if I were in this situation, I would most certainly be giving him the “no boyfriend speech” meaning he can’t have me all to himself while he’s figuring out what he wants, and yet it’s not “breaking up” with him..

     please work on YOURSELF and WHAT YOU WANT not the things he says he wants you to change… trying to change yourself to please him will not work…

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 7:40pm

121. 121: Chrissy says:

     Hi Rori
     My man and I have been together just over 2 years and have been exclusive throughout that time. He is 35, I am 37. I have been married before and have 2 children. He has never been married or even lived with a romantic partner. In fact I am the most serious relationship he has ever had.
     I discovered your books and tools about a year ago and they have been hugely helpful but I still struggle and I have a couple of questions please.
     I have always found it incredibly difficult to be vulnerable (very much rooted in my childhood) but when I allow myself to be “weak” (my old perception of vulnerable) he really responds and I can tell it brings him closer. My “strength” (or at least my idea of strength) seems to anger him. Could I be coming across as masculine when I think I am being strong?
     He has asked me to move in with him at the end of next month. (He owns his house whereas I rent). Before we move in, some repairs and re-organisation needs to be done to his house and his life. He seems at times to be incredibly stressed by this process (which I mistakenly? interpret as his commitment / love wavering) and I have tried to make it easier by helping him with the building and sorting out of his spare rooms etc. But the more I help, the more stressed he seems to become. I am now feeling scared that he will pull the pin on us moving in but I am wondering if my efforts to help are actually the exact opposite of what I should be doing? Is this stopping him from being masculine? But if I stop, wont he interpret it as me not caring about how much needs to be done and think of me as lazy?
     I hope you can help Rori.
     Chrissy xx

     Tuesday, 8 September 2009 @ 8:28pm

122. 122: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     you are right I should not do those things for him, however I need to do them for me too. I have always been a pack-rat and very disorganized and I need to correct that for myself. It is just that he had asked me to do that too so it’s kind of like hitting 2 flies with one fly-swatter. (that’s a German expression btw). I feel that if I get organized with my stuff that I can be more organized in my life too. After all we still do live together and whatever I can do to make both of us more comfortable I feel will benefit me, him and the relationship.

     Wednesday, 9 September 2009 @ 12:32pm

123. 123: Rori Raye says:

     Chrissy – welcome, and how bout this. Let HIM make the plans, do what needs doing, and if he ASKS you to do something, you do it. You can also say this: “Is there anything you’d like me to do to help? And then let him assign you tasks. Yes, helping unasked is masculine. It’s overfunctioning. Carrying out tasks as delegated by him is feminine, even if it requires real thinking on your part to get it accomplished. Just check in with him before you do anything that would initiate action. It’s his house, his plan, his inviation to you. Let him be totally in charge. You just be an appreciative, warm, soft, receiving, thanking him girl. Love, Rori

     Wednesday, 9 September 2009 @ 2:00pm

124. 124: SmileyK says:

     Hi Rori
     I don’t really know how to deal with my situation & what to say to my boyfriend so hear goes. At the beginning of our relationship we both worked fly in/fly out job on the same minesite (that is how we met) so got to see each other regularly. We began to spend less time with each other as he ended up working elsewhere. The yr after we got together, I took him on an overseas holiday, when we got back we both worked in town, not fly in fly out however I went back out on the mines 6 months later & he stayed working in town but I was home regularly. He asked me to move into his place in June last year (known as the bachelor pad) and a month later he starting working away again and his roster has gone from 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 to now 8 weeks away. He took a job working for his brother in another state (where all his family is) in april this year and it was only meant to be for a month but has now turned into 5 months and I have only seen him for 3 weeks during this time. I was made redundant at the end of October last yr & have been working back in town full-time and practically living by myself in his house (which is now ours but doesn’t feel like its ours cos he’s hardly ever there). It’s been hard trying to make the adjustment back to “normal” life again and I have been feeling so abandoned, lonely, sad, angry & upset. My dad was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour earlier this year and had to go thru chemo & radiotherapy and this was a huge thing for me to deal with and I was so upset during this time (my bf was working away so didn’t have love & support face to face). I am usually such a happy person but I haven’t been for the past year and all I feel like is that I’m a housekeeper & billpayer. I miss him so much & would like him to be back in my life all the time so that I can share my life with someone. I understand he has a responsibility to finish this job for his brother but he has a responsibility to our relationship too. His friends say that I am best thing that has happened to him, but why don’t I feel like that? I had a very uncomfortable conversation with him last Sunday night as I have been asking him when he will be coming back so that I have something to look forward to & he got all angry with me & asked me to stop nagging him, I just bottled up and didn’t have anything else to say and have since “leaned back” and made no contact with him & nor have I received any contact from him. I have been saying all the wrong things (have had a read of our blogs & listened to your cd’s) and I think I have pushed him further away without realising it. I have been able to have some space & think about what I want & focus on myself and I realise that I want him, it feels so empty without him. He has a heart of gold and we get along well when we are together but the time apart is absolutely killing me. I feel so disconnected from him right now. We have been together for 3 ½ years. I hope you can help me with the things I need to say to reconnect our relationship. Kylie xo

     Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 1:05am

125. 125: Rori Raye says:

     SmilyK, Welcome, and you are in a difficult situation. 3 1/2 years without marriage, and a serious discussion about how you’re going to manage all this traveling. It’s hard to now just open up the discussion, but you have to. You CANNOT be EXCLUSIVE with a man who you are not married to, and who is away from you and not giving you what you need. Do NOT let that happen to you! Circular Dating – even WITHOUT the “dating” will help you tremendously to get your balance back. Love, Rori Stay leaned back…

     Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 11:26am

126. 126: Angeline says:

     Hi,

     Well it looks like I’ve achieved “too many men” in my circular dating. I feel like a diva and all, but also really, really exhausted and a little confused. (For example, yesterday I got two of their texts mixed up, no harm done, no one noticed except me.) I guess I’m overwhelmed, especially since the person I do have a crush on doesn’t seem interested and I’m working hard to distract myself from that.

     Any advice on how to make this all a little more… relaxing? I’m thinking I might implement a “no texting” rule.

     ~ Angeline

     Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 4:59pm

127. 127: Daria says:

     Angeline — Rori told me when I first started Circular Dating to make sure I REST. Whatever that would mean to me.

     Thursday, 10 September 2009 @ 7:53pm

128. 128: la la land says:

     hi rory,
     my man doesn’t respond well when i get ill, i don’t get ill that often, but i do have this tendency towards weakness and nearly fainting when i get overwhelmed or overworked,[just hosted two big events at our home day after day, over-functioning, right?]
     anyway, yesterday i got weak and he had no passionate, at first i said i feel attacked, and surprised [i do] by this attitude then i got swept by being very angry and drama queen, then he apologized but i was too right to be nice, and so it went on.
     i think i was very clear that this attitude is not acceptable for me, [making my borders] i said weak is part of being strong, and i truly believe that,

     maybe i just dont take good care of myself and that is scary for him?

     i know i could have handled all this differently

     please, what do you think?

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 1:35am

129. 129: Uschi says:

     Hi Rori,
     last night he fell asleep like so many times with the book in his hands and the glasses on his nose and the light on. And like so many times I rescued the glasses and his books from being rolled over on by him in his sleep and I turned the light off. But I took a moment and allowed myself to feel. Looking at him the way he was sleeping there made me remember the things we used to do. He used to kiss me awake or took my glasses off when I fell asleep with them on reading a book. Sometimes when he did that I was still half awake or just on the edge of sleep and I would feel him do this and then kiss me and put the blanket over me. It felt so good, I felt so loved when he did that. Last night when I stood there looking at him I felt so sad, so hurt that all those nice things we did for each other are not being done anymore at least not now and I want that back. It also reminded me of the first kiss he ever gave me on our first trip out on the boat. I had gone below cause I got a bit of seasickness but didn’t want to let anyone know (it was a dive trip looking for a wreck they had found scanning) so I went to sleep for a little while because I knew when I wake up my body would be used to the motion of the boat and I would be fine. He came below maybe an hour later and just kissed me. I was still half asleep and didn’t let on that I noticed and I enjoyed the feeling that it gave me.
     This morning he came upstairs and said: “We will be getting one or two pallet loads of books and your daughter (she is going into the army reserve waiting to be shipped out having had a bad marriage, her husband left her sitting with 4 children cause he’d rather do drugs, she is staying with us now and her stuff is in the garage) will have to move her stuff or compact it.”
     First of all using the word “we” kind of blew me away, second before he said at one time before that “he” was not going to be free storage for her cause she didn’t carry her weight around here (she really didn’t, even though she said she would help me sort my stuff and help me get organized cause that seems to be the biggest issue with him) and she would have to move her stuff.
     I told him that we will take care of the garage and he kind of turned and said: “You saying this worries me cause you have said things like that before and not done it”
     Well, I took some time and thought this over for a moment and then I went to him and said:
     “I feel it is my daughters responsibility to take care of that, it is her stuff and I would feel better if he would tell her also. What do you think?” Right out of Rori’s book (I think)
     he turned and told me that I brought her here and therefore it is my responsibility as well as hers, and if we don’t do it because he really needs the space he would have to do it but she probably wouldn’t like the way he does it. Then he turned and said he needed to do his work and I just said OK cause even though I feel she is a grown up and has to take some responsibility for her stuff and herself however he was also right that it needs to get done and I did bring her here. I didn’t want to argue and just let it sit. I feel I got my feelings message across and hopefully approached it in the right way. Any comments on this?
     Ursula

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 6:58am

130. 130: Rori Raye says:

     Ursula – your job now is to take care of the garage. There can be no discussion with your man until you get this done. Love, Rori

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 11:59am

131. 131: Rori Raye says:

     la la, DO you take good care of yourself? Surely, physical “weakness” and near fainting is not a good thing. And if you’re getting overwhelmed or overworked — that’s the place to start changing things…right there. Yes, he’s worried that you don’t take care of yourself and it will fall to him. That’s why he’s not compassionate. Love, Rori

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 12:00pm

132. 132: Daria says:

     Whoa Rori – I feel shocked and sooooo curious of your response to Ursula. I feel frozen in my tracks…

     Do we do what the man asks us to do?

     Because we agreed with it? or…. because he is being the masculine energy decider?

     What about a man who asks me to do something I don’t want to do?
     (I usually say I don’t want to do that. And don’t do it.)

     Please clarify on this … thank you.

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 12:40pm

133. 133: la la land says:

     thank you rori
     no i guess i never took good care as i should
     i was kind of pretty with no effort but then i grew old and natural became neglect maybe
     but i started dentist today, so its an important babystep for me,
     my other major issue here is the exclusivity subject
     it kills me, i know now its my problem and not his, i know its a self esteem issue, but can i ask him? can i say are we exclusive?

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 1:40pm

134. 134: la la land says:

     +
     yes, i guess my health and beauty issues are kind of the same , i was a natural healthy person but with age and many relationship mistake i enter stress and illness into our life, i was seriously ill twice last year, and me being here is part of my healing process i guess.

     if i am the first domino, are all his backup girlfriend are my insecurities in person, did i created him as an unfaithful husband with my fears and obsession?

     before the last boom, we had a small exclusivity talk in wich he said, he cant see himself as being just with me till he dies, then i realized i had lost his commitment and he has lost his interest in me.

     since then allot was done and repair, through reconnect and siren and the book and here, and we had some amazing days, the question is, will the other shoe drop? will this girls will go away with time? how can he feel safe and happy to be just with me? do grownups compromise here? do i need to accept that exclusivity is not that important?

     i learned i need to trust myself and not him, but how does that look like? what are my boundaries like on this issue? i have no idea.

     rori?

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 2:49pm

135. 135: Uschi says:

     la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
     I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
     This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 2:51pm

136. 136: la la land says:

     uschi dear
     im happy to meet another old shoe like me here on the blog, just to remind you what rori says [and she is apparently always right]: small steps make big difference!

     Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 9:31pm

137. 137: Uschi says:

     actually the comment above and also repeated below was meant for Daria not la la land
     LOL guess I had a blond moment here

     Uschi says:

     la la land – I feel that because I told him it would get done it is now my responisbility to do it and I have already told my daughter so too or she can collect her stuff on the street – the fact is that I said to him that it would be done was before I thought and felt that it is actually my daughters responsibility ( a little delayed reaction here) – when I went to him afterward I just wanted to let him know how I felt about him asking me instead of her. If I/we did not do what I said I/we will do then I would be disrespecting not only our relationship but also him and me and that would be disrespect on 3 levels.
     I love this man and we both made a lot of mistakes in the past and I didnt know about Rori, her blog or her book. I am still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things she is saying like with the leaning back and such. All I know is that after reading her book (and I have to reread it) and also after reading old letters from my Mom (going through my stuff sorting it out) I found out that I did not have the right upbringing to even beginn to be successful in a relationship. First of all I was a child out of wedlock (my mother felt she was too good for the man even though he never paid childsupport and there were some other issues) my mother allways took the highroad and hated men. She actually said once that marriage is just legalized prostitution. Those memories did not come to me till after I just downloaded Rori’s ebook and read it real quick (I will reread it over and over again) – no wonder I was having problems with relationships. I think things could have worked out with my first husband had I known back then about Rori, however thinking about it now he wasnt and still isnt worth it. My 2nd husband was an alcoholic and though he is a good man no matter what I would have done from Rori’s book he would and still has not stopped drinking.
     This man however is worth it for me to make every effort to get this relationship back on track. Though the circular dating stille makes me feel uncomfortable almost like I would be cheating. So I have 2 things to do, get myself taken care of and get the house organized and hopefully our relationship will follow. Thats a lot on my plate right now, a lot to relearn or learn new and I gotta take big steps, baby steps arent gonna be good enough.

     Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 9:52am

138. 138: Uschi says:

     Last night something strange happened. Earlier in the day as told above we had the discussion about the garage and that it needs doing. I was also working yesterday for my friend, who has a flower shop, doing flowers for a wedding that is taking place today. We were not able to finish everything because her 9 year old son had back to school night so she said we either finish when she is done with that or I come in early in the morning (today) and help finish up putting the final touches on the bouquets and doing the corsages and lapel flowers for the men.
     As always he was ready to go to the boat and I had called him from work letting him know to wait a bit before taking off cause the beltway was a mess again with rain and accidents and all that. Boat is about an hour and half from here.
     So he was still here when I got home. I let him know what was up with the work. At a later time when he was getting ready to leave he asked me: “What are your plans for the weekend?” I told him again about the deal with my friend and that possibly I am going to be there early in the morning if we don’t finish it up that night.
     Well, I was really surprised that he asked me for my plans for the weekend cause he hasn’t done that in a very long time. I had the destinkt feeling that he was going to ask me to come to the boat with him, though I could be wrong. When he heard that I already had plans even though they were not definite or 100% he said OK and then “Well I am outta here see you Monday morning” When I asked him why he was wondering about my weekend he just said that he was wondering about it. Now I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything about my plans but let him know that I was free cause I really want to know why he asked and if my gut feeling is right about him wanting to ask me to come to the boat. I guess I screwed this up big time.

     Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 10:25am

139. 139: Angeline says:

     Hi Uschi,

     Maybe I’m misunderstanding this, but my take is that you DID have plans. You weren’t going to drop your commitment to your friend for him, were you? I dunno. I would just let him think about it for a bit. If he wants to make plans with you he can ask you earlier in the week. And if he has something to tell you he can arrange to do that at a good time for you.

     ~ Angeline

     Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 2:58pm

140. 140: Uschi says:

     Hi Angeline,
     no I was not going to drop my commitment to my friend at all – what I am curious about it why he all of a sudden asked what plans I had for the weekend and it may be wishful thinking but I was under the impression that he was gonna ask if I wanted to come to the boat with him. I am curious of why he asked me and curiosity kills the cat right. I wish I could find out what was on his mind when he was asking that. There seems to be a bit of a shift in him or in us and maybe me because I have started with some of Rori’s things from the book, though not totally have wrapped my mind around it and only got 2 or 3 feelings messages in – not sure how to describe that. Maybe if you read my other posts, if you haven’t already, you find out whats going on. Is he noticing in his subconscious a change and responding a bit or whats going on. Can’t believe that there could be a change however small after just a few days of reading this blog or Rori’s e-book.

     Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 5:16pm

141. 141: emma says:

     Hi Rori, I made the mistake of being emotionally exclusive with a man who had actually out and out told me that he didn’t know if he wanted a committed relationship. I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and that I wanted to expand my group of friends and see new people. He’s currently on holiday for 2 weeks and in this time I have re-joined the internet dating site where I met him and have started chatting with 3 guys, 2 of which have asked to meet me. I am scared of telling him that I’m meeting other people as I think he’ll be angry. Because of this, I don’t know if my heart is really in circular dating or if it’s the right thing for me. I value your opinion Rori, and those of everyone on this wonderful website. How should I tell him?

     Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 2:02am

142. 142: Lynn says:

     I am wanting a relationship with someone who has told me he is not ready for a relationship. I am confused on knowing how to deal with this. Briefly this is our story. I went to school with him, he was in a class ahead of mine. But we were not close. Years later we ran into each other only to find out that my boyfriend and his wife was ex-lovers. The next year the unexpected happened and my boyfriend and his wife had an affair. Needless to say we both were hurt by that situation. I did not communicate with him much because I could not deal with everything that was going. Over the past 3 years we may have ran into each other at times, but we never really talked too much about what happened. My ex and his ex got married and have a child together. I have not spoken to my ex since we broke up, over 3 years, but my friend sees them all the time because he has kids by his ex wife. Well recently we got back into contact with each other and this time we both are single.

     We both began talking to each other more and strangley enough I found out we have a lot in common and we share many of the same values. We began developing feelings for each other and just decided to pursue each other. So within only a few months he began distaning himself away from me and I noticed this and became frustated with him. He knows that I am looking for an exlusive relationship that will lead to marriage. I told him this in the beginning, then finally when we talked he said he was not ready for a serious relationship. He feels like after so many broken relatioships he just want time to himself. The problem is I know this and I told him I understand and we still continue to talk but not as much. We’ve had sex a few times and it seems when we spend time together we are good. But then when he’s away he calls every so often and when he does call he normally talking about his future plans and asking me what I think. He hardly ever consider my feelings. In my eyes he is a good person and have many qualities I like in a man. But I feel like he is not allowing me to get close to him. I don’t call him he calls me. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to spend more time with him to see if we could have something here. But he’s so in and out and not giving me much. There are times I just want to leave him alone completly and then I have times were I just love his company and being around him so much that I don’t want to break all ties with him. I don’t what to do? Any advice?

     Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 4:56am

143. 143: simple says:

     hi again
     ok.. here I go again.. We had a great fri night. Great sat went to dinner visited family at their new place (mine) on the way home he asked me about my ex.. now he’s pissed that I “lied” I don’t “follow through” I don’t think of my children… etc.. won’t talk to me. and we had tickets for a big show tomorrow and now he says he’s not taking me.. wants nothing to do with me. I’m too frustrating. I didn’t do anything. honest. I don’t yell, I don’t fight well. i can’t find words to hurt someone like he does. I just am so lost.. I don’t know what to do. i can’t concentrate. every week there’s days he won’t talk to me. Is this normal?? i’ve never been in a relationship where I have felt so bad and lonely and unwanted. He just said he loved me yesterday and talks of our future together and now he says we have no future.

     Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 10:40am

144. 144: Rori Raye says:

     Emma, Welcome, and you are NOT in a committed relationship. He KNOWS he has no right to all your time and loyalty. You don’t need to tell him anything. If you make a date with someone and so can’t see him when he asks, and he asks you…say you have a date with someone else. Then give him the No Boyfriend speech and remind him it was he who said he didn’t want a committed relationship, so you’re following his lead. Everyone will help you here. Love, Rori

     Sunday, 13 September 2009 @ 2:10pm

145. 145: Uschi says:

     To add on to above -
     Actually I am not sure if there really is a shift in “us” or if it is more a change in his attitude kind of like stand back and watch what happens. Just not sure of anything right now. Feel confused, unsure, insecure, lonely, hurt, want to cry all the time and I am supposed to love myself according to Rori. Not getting it. There is something else I don’t get -many of you talk about being sexually attracted to a man. I have never been sexually attracted to a man and only got and get turned on and respond when I man makes the first move towards having sex. I have never been the one to try to start and when I did it within my previous marriage I got turned down. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me cause I do respond and have fun doing it (though not for a long time now with him …………. but wish for that to start again eventually sometime soon) Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t see when a man is good looking or attractive and that I wouldn’t like being besides him, but I do not look “below” that or get turned on or think what would it be like to have a roll in the hay with him. It just never enters my mind and I don’t get all “juicy” – am I supposed to so a man is attracted to me or what? I just don’t get it. I have heard women talk about going to one of those male stripper shows and get all hot and bothered and then go to bed with a man or attack their husband/boyfriend when they get home. I never been to one of those shows I don’t think it would do anything to me. What is going on here – am I not allowing myself cause of the way I have been brought up or is there something lacking in me?
     I do want a good sex-life with him too even at our age cause we still can.

     To change the subject. I have been working some on the garage like I promised him but waiting for my daughter also to help. After all it is her stuff, but she was to come home yesterday and decided that it was more important to stay with one of her friends to “support” her with a problem. I feel like bitch-slapping her for that. She said she’ll be here this afternoon. Meanwhile he is back from the boat and I think that bitch he is getting his ashes hauled by was there but I just don’t know.
     I just want our relationship back on track and get married sometime in the future to him. Trying to concentrate on me and my feelings and all that and leaning back. Still trying to get the full picture of that and having a hard time with it. But I have stepped back, way back and not talked to him about anything concerning our relationship.
     Babysteps – yea maybe – but I need big strides and guess it has something to do with instant gratification – cause I need it, want it more than anything.

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 7:48am

146. 146: Rori Raye says:

     Lynn, Welcome, and you aren’t going to like my answer. All my Tools will help you: Circular Dating, Leaning Back, Feeling Messages…everything you find here and in my newsletters and book and programs…and yet…bottom line here is the WHY of why you’re putting so much energy into a man who’s giving you so little. I don’t care how great he is. The only thing that counts is what he GIVES YOU. This is a matter of self-esteem and boundaries, and the need to chase after a man. I’ve been there. So please focus on building yourself up, and we’ll all help you. Love, Rori

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 3:43pm

147. 147: Lynn says:

     Rori, How unfortunate, but so true. I want to thank you because your program has encouraged me to search more on relationships and even learn to be a relationship coach one day myself. I am going to follow the tools and write my journey as I go, so that maybe I can help others one day. Thanks again. I’ll keep in touch and yes I will need the help.

     Lynn!

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 5:15pm

148. 148: Chrissy says:

     Hi Rori
     Thank you so much for your answer to my previous question – I have definitely taken that on-board and leant back and his whole vibe re moving in has changed (last night he was saying how I will have to hand my notice in to my landlord soon ).
     I feel confused about 1 thing though – in one of your previous posts / emails? you mentioned showing emotion due to something sad being on TV and how the man was very drawn to that emotion. Last night we were watching TV and a very sad ad came on showing a mother standing in a kitchen and you can hear her thoughts. They are mundane thoughts and she is pondering what to give her children for dinner.. Her thoughts say.. “before I got the phone call, I was thinking, hmm, do I give them lamb – kids like lamb – or should I give them takeaway – but that isnt good for them no matter how much they love it is it”… then the screen cuts to her sitting beside a young child in a coma and her thoughts say “when really, if he would just open his eyes, I would happily give him fish and chips every day”. I was greatly affected by this and got very teary (and even typing it now I am teary eyed). My man’s response was “oh grow up, it is only an ad”. I replied.. “I am not going to apologise for feeling sad about this”. His reaction confused me. (plus he knows that my very young god-daughter died in a car accident and before she slipped away I spent 2 days in ICU pleading with her to wake up so the ad very much resonated with me). Do you (or anyone else) have a take on why he reacted like this? Thanks, Chrissy xx

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 8:58pm

149. 149: Breanna says:

     Hi, this is my first post so i hope i do this right.
     I’m 18 and i’ve never had a boyfriend. So im new to how this love thing works.
     I met this guy through my bestfriend, and we’ve been seeing eachother for over a year now but he doesn’t want to commit to me, and i don’t know why? He’s the first guy that i’ve ever fallen in love with. He makes me happy and he makes me feel loved but i think that he’s just stringing me along and i don’t know if i should keep holding on or let him go. Here’s the catch, he’s dating my best friend… He tells me that he’s going to break it off with her but he doen’t… is my heart in the wrong place?

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 9:54pm

150. 150: Rebecca says:

     Hi Rori — I’m a newbie to your programs. I purchased your ebook awhile back and am now working through Targeting Mr. Right and the Modern Siren programs. I’ve also recently purchased Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him and am using his Online Dating kit.

     A little background about me — I was married for 18 years to a very creative and nice man. However, he was an alcoholic. Last year I’d decided I’d had enough and took a job on the opposite coast and we agreed to separate. We are still very good friends, but I was relieved to move on.

     The first year, it was all about me. I loved the independence and the freedom and discovering things about myself. I lost weight, got into shape (no more frumpy housewife) and started to notice men were taking an interest in me again, but only from a distance.

     I then realized that I was getting lonely and was ready to share my life with someone again. So I started going places and doing things with the idea that I’d meet someone doing something we both enjoyed. I signed up for a class and *zing* my Mr. Right appeared.

     After flirting with me online and in class, we agreed to meet up and go to a show together. On the way, he pulled out his iphone and showed me a picture of a dog and told me it was his girlfriend’s dog. I was stunned. Up until that point, I had no idea he had someone else in his life! (In fact, many people think he’s gay!)

     The truth hit me hard, but I genuinely liked the guy, so we continued hanging out, getting to know each other, and became good friends, seeing each other for class and attending shows once or twice per week for the past four months.

     I guess I became the “new friend” that most GF’s dread. But both of us have a strong sense of integrity. (We are in our late 40s). We never crossed any boundaries.

     Since starting your program, I’m thinking that he’s with a “just for now” girlfriend. They don’t live together, they are not engaged, although they’ve been together for a few years. He also was married once before. After his divorce, he didn’t date for about two years, then hooked up with his current GF. He’s dropped some comments that make me think that he’s only now realizing that she’s not his “forever girl”.

     I’m also thinking that I may be his “forever” girl.

     And I think he may have started wondering the same thing.

     Our class has now ended, so we no longer see each other on a regular basis, though we still stay in touch. During our last conversation we talked about how “some things are worth waiting for”. I felt like he was suggesting that one day, in the not too distant future, we might be together.

     But, in the meantime, I know I can’t just sit around waiting. So I’ve started circular dating and am trying to meet “available” men. (I still have a lot to learn about myself!)

     If, in the process, my guy does come around and realize I’m his “forever” girl, or another Mr. Right turns up, I’ll be sure to let you know!

     Rebecca

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 10:05pm

151. 151: Daria says:

     Wow Rebecca – right on. You have the perfect attitude as I see it. I feel excited for you reading your comment!

     Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 2:06am

152. 152: Maria says:

     Rorky l have another question. (lm being like a little child learning to live and asking:) and l know its a topic lot discussed, but l ask anyway:

     what does it mean when he wants “space” for couple of days.

     my way of thinking is this:
     if he really did want me and love me, he wudnt want a space. not from me, cos he obviously loves me. The fact that he wants it, means he is not into me, he just fools me to keep me around, and now its some sort of space.

     l didnt complain, tho, l said :you can have your space.

     to me its weird, cos lm teh person who likes to bond and this space thing is odd to me, hence l think the way l think above.

     But – lm always ready to hear if l need to be more educated on this, and my attitude is too hush

     Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39am

153. 153: Maria says:

     God, l wrote Rori name accidently so wrong – lm so sorry

     Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39am

154. 154: sheila says:

     Hi Rori,Thank u for this board, I’m new to this.
     I can’t find the question I wrote to you about masturbation and my partner:(
     I’m so confused

     Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 9:50am

155. 155: Daria says:

     Maria… it means you need to lean back. When you’re leaning back and Circular Dating and paying attention to YOU, there is no reason for him to want space, because he has all the space in the world and gets to decide when he will contact you. Most likely he will want to be around you maybe more than you are even available.

     Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 7:39pm

156. 156: Uschi says:

     I have been leaning way back in the past two weeks or so. Basically ignored him, which is not always possible (we still do live together) gone out, just leaving to go for a walk or something, not telling him what I am up to. Only a few times let him know what was up so he knew I was helping my friend in her store etc. Yesterday I was gone for a good 3 hours and I guess he didn’t even notice that I left (I went to the park to read Mort Fertel’s book Marriage Fitness) When I came back he just said hi in a real friendly like way. I have tried to get some feeling messages across not relating to our relationship though, just about a movie we saw about Germany and WWII which does have an impact on me cause I grew up in post WWII and know ppl who have been in the war and their stories. I don’t see any results as of yet.
     How can I get our communication going again, without him withdrawing. How can I coax him out of his shell out of his hurt that I apparently caused. I have tried some circular dating, not really dating though just flirting and leaning back and I am disgusted with that. Cause the men out there just don’t have an impact on me at all.
     How can I get some faster results. I have ready Rori’s book and I am trying to implement it, though nothing is coming from him. I need something to wake him up. How do I do this?

     Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 3:17pm

157. 157: T.R. says:

     Hi Rori

     I too am struggling with “getting results”. I trying to find the courage to begin circular dating. Long story short, I have been dating a guy for 7 months and we have told each other that we love each other. Only now we are on a break because he is healing from his past (he was raising his ex-girlfriend’s kids and now they are no longer in his life). He continues to tell me that he wants a relationship with me when he is healed, but that he can’t give me what I deserve right now. I have been asked out on dates and I am feeling confused. I feel like I should accept these dates because the man I love is not giving me what I want in relationship terms, but I feel guilty because I know the man I love does not want me to go on dates.
     Are these conflicting feelings normal? And is it still o.k. to go on dates in this situation?

     Please let me know your thoughts, as I am feeling very conflicted….

     Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 8:51pm

158. 158: Rori Raye says:

     Maria – oh my goodness…a man NEEDS SPACE. If he’s good and loving, and devoted to you and warm — give him all the space he needs. (This is the short, blunt version.) Love, Rori

     Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:13pm

159. 159: Rori Raye says:

     Breanna, Welcome, and now’s the time to experiment with lots of dating, lots of men, and maybe try out a boyfriend for a bit. But, you absolutely can’t do this unless each and every man is devoted to YOU. A man who is also dating your best friend is completely OFF LIMITS!!!!! What does SHE say?

     Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:22pm

160. 160: Helen says:

     Hi Rori

     My marriage has been a bit rubbish for a while now. But in May i discovered that my husband was having an affair. This has now stopped, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but i don’t feel secure with him anymore.
     I know he loves me and cares for me, but it seems like we’re just friends. We don’t have sex anymore and he doesn’t touch me or make me feel sexy or attractve anymore. I need more.
     I have spoken to him about it and i have been reading your e-mails that you send everyday. I even downloaded your book, but i just can’t seem to attract him back, which is making me very angry and upset.
     Please please help me get him back
     Love Helen

     Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 7:43am

161. 161: Rori Raye says:

     Helen, Welcome, as I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this…There is a lot going on here. A good counselor for both of you together would be a good step and a statement of intent for him. Todd Creager works by phone, and he’s tremendous. Perhaps there’s someone who works with John Gottman’s techniques in your town. Love, Rori

     Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 12:15pm

162. 162: Uschi says:

     I kind of got blown away today and I don’t know how to take it and I am wondering if I am reading more into this than what it actually means. Since reading this blog here I have started to lean back – way back, and now I also have Rori’s book to help me. It is difficult for me to do at times, it would be so much easier to go downstairs with the every day things and ask or get his opinion on something. Instead, I am not doing that, nor am I talking with him about our relationship and how much I would love to work things out for us. I’ve basically been doing my own things and every now and then he comes and shares with me things about his interests (diving and boat) and some other tings that are on his mind. He has always done that to some extend but there for a while it was a lot less so, but lately (the past 2 weeks or so) he is looking me more into the eyes and sharing more things with me. Today I went downstairs to get the vacuum cleaner and I waited for a few seconds for him to come out of the bathroom to maybe have give him a chance to talk about whatever. He came out, saw me there with that stupid household appliance, went out of his way to grab it, then looked for his coffee cup, carried both upstairs (with me following him letting him be the man to do something for me) and then he started talking to me about something that is totally not anything that I should, would or could know about even though it has to do with diving. He told me about another person that he knows and what he is doing in life right now and what is happening.
     To be honest, I felt a bit – flabbergasted – might be the right word, about him sharing this with me. I don’t know. What I do know is what I felt – what I felt was that I just wanted to rush over there and just hug him and kiss him for helping me with the cleaner. He has not done something like this in a long time. But I didn’t do that though I felt like doing it ( I am aching for a hug from him). For a moment I really felt like a woman, a lady, appreciated for doing what I was obviously going to do. To make the whole thing even stranger it kind of gave me the energy to do it, even though before I felt and thought ‘damn this kitchen and dining room needs cleaning AGAIN’ – I hate cleaning, laundry, dishes etc, – I love cooking.
     Anyway, while he was telling me and sharing with me I just leaned back, listened to him and kept eye contact with him. I felt he was giving something to me and I just received and I just let him be him and me be me. Thinking about letting his male energy in, because that’s what it felt like to me. I didn’t stuff anything down, except my impulse to go over and kiss and hug him but I let myself feel what I was felling. Wonderment, surprise, some warmth, at the same time some anger cause I want it to be like that all the time and things have so deteriorated, yet at the same time a feeling of us dancing around each other, circling each other, not literally but emotionally in a way, . Like he is waiting for something and the same for me.
     As you all know during this time I am trying and succeeding in small steps in getting my things organized. So I found this Chinese hat the kind the rice farmers wear and something else that I didn’t know if he wanted to keep or not. So I put on the hat and went to him and asked him about that other item. He bowed down with his hands held together in front of him, like the Chinese and Japanese do, with a shit eating grin on his face, saying something to me in Chinese (he’s been there and speaks a few words of the language). Would a man do that if he really felt it was over? Or is he trying in his own way to maybe make a step forward to working things out the only way he knows how?
     Did I act or react in the right way today? I really would love some input on this, cause when it comes right down to it I am somewhat confused.

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 10:44am

163. 163: Simply Shannon says:

     Uschi! I love what you did. Wow. I feel so impressed reading how you just received from him!! Bravo!! I am fairly new to this myself and definitely not the expert but I loved reading your post! It sounds like you were being inviting and warm while he was sharing. Again bravo!

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 11:51am

164. 164: Uschi says:

     Shanon, thanks for your comment and the positive input. I would love to see what Rori would have to say to that also. Because I have been thinking about the way I was and I believe that even though I was leaning back and letting him in, I was not being authentic, because what I really wanted to do was hug and kiss him and tell him how much it meant, at least at this time, that he did this small thing. It wasn’t just what he did but also the look on his face, the feeling I got it was almost like it was when we first met. A matter of fact it was. Somehow over the years we lost that and I want it back. Also I need to know how I can make him feel that way again about me the way he used to feel back then. I get so emotional when I think about this that tears are rolling down my face again.

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 12:21pm

165. 165: la la land says:

     Uschi hi

     my hurt goes out to you,

     i think remembering the baby-steps principal is the main thing here.
     i believe the leaning back concept is a dramatic change to us, the ‘leaning forward / stay away from me let me chase you’ kind of girls. we are talking cold turkey here…

     you won a moment – cherish it, try to stabilize this new confidence this new feel of yourself,

     i know from the last month for me that like eating healthy and doing yoga, this feeling are hard to maintain…

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 2:30pm

166. 166: Rori Raye says:

     USCHI =- BRAVA~!!!!! I’m going to take this and make it a post — because this is CLASSIC! Love, Rori. Just keep doing what you’re doing. The small results will motivate you to keep going, and you’ll stop being flabbergasted and get used to it, and then the big picture will just get clearer.

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 3:50pm

167. 167: Uschi says:

     Well, the rest of the day went pretty well for me cause I did get the kitchen done, even took the curtains down to wash them. He was basically downstairs in the office doing what he needs to do and the only time I went down was to wash the curtains. Now there is something else that gets me. The moment I come downstairs, he pretends to work and brings up his program real quick. The rest of the time he seems to be sitting there thinking and answering some phone calls. I am so hoping for some together time tonight and as Rori said in one of her posts I am not gonna ask him to take me out for dinner and just gonna let him know that I am hungry. Maybe he’ll step up to the plate and we go out or at least order in a pizza. Cause after I did that kitchen from top to bottom (still have to do the stove) I am hungry and I really don’t feel like cooking

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 4:34pm

168. 168: Uschi says:

     I have another subject. As all of you know by now I do not currently have a job and I depend on him. So whats happening is, that each time something is needed in the way of groceries, or ciggies for me or car insurance my cell bill etc etc I have to ask him for money and he seems a bit annoyed at that. I feel kind of put out by having to do that all the time. So I was thinking about how to reduce that somewhat sore subject, by asking him to just let me have a certain amount budgeted in every 2 weeks. How would you guys approach that. Please give me some ideas on how I could put this in a feelings way and also leaning back – I find the though kind of impossible. When I had a part time job I took care of those little items myself and that was one reason why I even had a part time job, the other of course is that I love working with flowers. Been trying to get a job again but seems like right now it’s just not happening and the only thing I get every now and then is helping a friend in her shop. She however is not ready to have someone on a reg part time bases yet.
     Anyone have any ideas? Thanks

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:40am

169. 169: Uschi says:

     Oooopsm in reading this again I realized that what I wrote could be misunderstood. What I meant by little things is but my cell, car insurance and few personal things like the on line game I like to play for relaxation. Not the groceries and cleaning stuff, general household items needed to keep up a household, However that amount I would like him to budged like every 2 weeks or so would include everything. Since this is a practical thing I have a hard time to come up with a feelings way to ask.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:57am

170. 170: la la land says:

     usci
     i know this is hard
     but isnt there a way you can find to earn this petit sum?
     you sound so brave and intelligent…

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:31am

171. 171: Simply Shannon says:

     Uschi: Use your own words and just add “what do you think?”.

     I feel kind of put out having to [ask for money] all the time. What do you think?

     Let him figure it out. Right now you’ve already thought of the solution (boy). Don’t anticipate the outcome. Be surprised (girl).

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 7:07am

172. 172: Uschi says:

     Dear Shanon,
     thank you so much for your positive feedback just now. But he kind of “jumped the gun” before I was really ready because, he came up and said we need sugar and coffee and I added other things that we needed. That was before I read your response and I was kind of on the spot there thinking real quick ‘what would Rori say’ and I answered him that there were other things too that needed to be taken care of also, (not mentioning though what they were like insurance and cell phone etc) however, that I feel uncomfortable to always ask him for money and that I would feel better if I had a certain amount to work with and budget, and as an after-though was the “what do you think’ kinda like 30 seconds after I said the budget thing. I kind of felt like I threw it in his lap and then I stood there and waited. By the expression on his face I could see that he wasn’t entirely pleased about having to spend money to begin with on every day things and I did not really feel comfortable about the whole thing. But he knows it needs to be done, so in this respect he does step up to he plate. So later on today he will either go to the bank and get cash or write me a check. So in a way I have reduced an uncomfortable thing to like just twice a month or so. I know I will have to remind him about this, because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon, or like Einstein who was stopped by a student, when he came back from lunch, by a question that he answered and then asked the student, which way was I going when you stopped me. The student told him and Einstein said ‘OK, that means I have had lunch already’ (true story) and then kept going lost in though. Well, that’s him. He forgets to close the doors to the kitchen closets, leaves the mustard and butter out, the knife on the counter and I overlook that, do not fight with him about small things like that cause after all there are more important things,. However, I have teased him about it in the hope that he may be more attentive to such things but it hasn’t helped much LOL

     Dear la la land,
     thanks for your compliment about me being brave and intelligent. I might be both, brave in any case, not sure about intelligent otherwise I would know as a woman how to be a women and not seek the help of a blog like this at the age of 55. I have tried getting a job, craigs list, news paper, Internet, and the only thing I have is helping my friend in her flower shop every now and then when she has a wedding, and I would love to work with and for her on a permanent part time bases, but she and her business are just not quite ready for that yet and the current economical situation isn’t much help either especially in a field like mine. Trust me I’ve been trying.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 8:07am

173. 173: Uschi says:

     Dear Rori,
     thank you for your fast and positive response to my post it made me feel good to have been able to accomplish something in whatever small way. Also, I am so thankful that you have this blog where all of us can learn from. When I was looking for relationship help, everyone else just wants to sell their stuff but you have taking it a whole lot further with this blog where women like me with limited funds can get something out of it too.
     It really kind of made me feel like I got somewhere and I know that I did. It felt good. However, there is still a lot to be done as you can see in my question in the post above. My question to you now is: since we are living together and he works from “home” he is downstairs all day long and I am upstairs. Me not having a job we are aware of being around each other all day. I am trying to create some physical distance, by just not going downstairs unless I absolutely have to for laundry etc. I believe that is a way of leaning back as I understand it. On nice days lately I have taken a book and my car and drove to the park and left for a few hours, walked the dog etc. or just spend time in my room with the door closed and work on organizing my mess. However, when work time for him is over which is to be like around 5PM, he stays downstairs works in reports for his research or watches youtube with historical movies about military history and wars etc. We never did get the digital box for the TV or have cable or dish. For one thing he doesn’t want to spend the money and for another we are kind of bored with all that stupid mind candy on TV and misinformation and media hype. I’d rather watch a good movie every now and then on DVD or play my game than watch TV and become stupid. The only thing I am missing are some of the shows on public TV which are educational and some documentaries. But that’s besides the point I am trying to make.
     When work time is over for him he doesn’t come upstairs he stays downstairs and even said if he could he would sleep and eat down there cause of all my Stuff (I am working on that) Even when I cook dinner and for the two of us that just doesn’t happen every day cause we just rather have a sandwich or something (we call it grazing LOL), he goes back downstairs. We used to watch Jeopardy and some other things together but even then when that was over he went back downstairs to work on reports or whatever.
     What can I do, for him to spend more time with me, so I do have a chance to implement some of the things from your book and to also spend some quality time together.
     What I mean by that is, he doesn’t get the chance to see me or the changes that I am making or how much I love myself, or feel how I get into my feelings or hear my feelings messages etc if he is always not there or we only talk shortly when he comes up for a cup of coffee or ‘grazing’. If he doesn’t see, feel, hear, and get it and like I mentioned above I been leaning way back, how can that reconnection happen? If you read my post above to Shannon you see what I mean “because he is like the professor who kisses his soft boiled breakfast egg and and cracks his wife in the head with the spoon”
     Cause with leaning back I don’t want to be the one to initiate anything in the way of suggesting of spending more time together or doing something together. And boy would I love to do that and also have physical affection again and sex even if we only start out with a hug to start with. Any suggestions on that?

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 8:31am

174. 174: Uschi says:

     For all of you out there!
     Reading Rori’s e-book and this blog I am learning a lot and still work on implementing it. Today I got an email form Rori which I guess goes out to everyone to read and buy her books and there were a lot of important things in there that now that my mind is more open made a lot of sense. Including and I will quote from her email:
     “We’re taught that we have to be dressed to the
     hilt, have great hair and makeup and a fabulous
     figure.” and then Rori goes on to state “But what DOES have to do with the attraction a
     man feels for us is how attractive WE believe we
     are. How attracted to OURSELVES we are.
     Because when we find ourselves attractive, we
     put out a completely different vibe than if we
     doubt our attractiveness.”
     I believe Rori means being in love with yourself also means being attractive and I totally get that (now lol), however, in a lot of ways we women feel attractive when we look good, when we wear clothes that compliment us, when our hair is OK and we are well groomed. Which made me realize (a bulb went on over my head ha ha cause in some ways the following, that’s me) that when in a relationship we sometimes let ourselves go a lot and at home we walk around in sweats or old t- shirts,, old sneakers, hair just pinned back real fast no make up etc because we are just at home and we don’t have to look our best all the time because we are cleaning or taking care of the house anyway and old stuff is good enough for that and the dust sure isn’t looking at our make up or hair. Or maybe it does, god knows what these little dust mites see that we so rigorously sweep away (a little sense of humor pls here). In trying to organize my house with all the “stuff” that my man is complaining about and a lot of work not getting done when I was having a job, I was also looking for a way to do it in an easier more organized, structured way and came across the website of http://www.flylady.com where you get some hints and tips on just that subject. Reading Rorie’s email and then the email that I get every day from flylady (not always following it to be honest) right after it. There is stated in morning routine, dressed to the shoes brush teeth etc. something went bingo, cause I kind of let things go run around in jeans old t-shirt no make up and hair pinned back and I feel like this old lady in old clothes getting ready to go out and beg. My mom did that (she was never married had me out of wedlock so that was not a good teacher for relationships either and she hated men) so now I am doing it cause it’s what I grew up with and learned. And it does make me feel not pretty at all, not attractive not anything positive in a way. So what I am trying to say with this is, that maybe being a little more careful in what we wear and how we take care of ourselves and look it will maybe make us feel better too. But you’re not getting dressed up for him but for you. The only thing I am thinking now, with him being the professor, when I make that change on top of the other changes Rori is talking about, will he somehow notice, or will he keep on ignoring it. I will do it for me, but at the same time I am doing it for my relationship that means a lot to me.
     Any thoughts on that?

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:46am

175. 175: Uschi says:

     I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yetat the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
     Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
     Thanks you all!!!!!!

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:39am

176. 176: Uschi says:

     I just found out (had to hide Rori’s book that I printed, was just reading about Appreciating your man, when he came up to let me know) that he will be gone for 2 weeks starting Friday. Wow – I don’t like this at all but there is nothing that I can do about it, and I may use this time to go out a bit, circular dating without actually getting involved with anyone but just to exercise what Rori is teaching. So this thought popped into my mind after reading Rori’s chapter on appreciation – maybe not quite in line with leaning back – to write him a note, putting it in his brief case to find later, letting him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does using feeling words. I just kind of want him to have something from me while he is gone or rather feel me or a presence of me in a way, without it being pushy or leaning forward yet at the same time let him know somehow how much he and what he does means to me.
     Any idea how I could write this, do this, or is this a bad idea? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
     Thanks you all!!!!!!

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:39am

177. 177: Uschi says:

     ooops how did that happen to post twice?

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:40am

178. 178: Daria says:

     Hi uschi! I feel angry reading that you think that as a woman you are not intelligent because you read this blog. I feel judged as i too participate in this blog.

     #1 rule don’t beat yourself up

     also I don’t like the implication and I feel very angry reading it, my shoulder feels tight and so does my face.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 2:56pm

179. 179: Daria says:

     Uschi… i read your next posts and I feel better! It seems things are really shifting for you!

     My take: NO! Do not write him a note!!! That is WAY LEANING FORWARD!!!

     appreciating means saying THANK YOU when …. When HE DOES something FOR YOU!

     not notes “for no reason.” so that he can think about you.
     that is very lean forward.

     otherwise AWESOME JOB with taking care of yourself and starting the shifts to loving yourself. The more you love yourself (and take care of the “stuff” which may even be more of an issue for You than for him deep down), the more he will come and give you attention on his own… and then you can appreciate him and his actions…

     appreciate every little thing and attention he GIVES to you. by saying Thank You and allowing yourself to enjoy it

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 3:02pm

180. 180: Angeline says:

     Hello,

     I need some help from all you divas. What am I supposed to do about match.com guys who seem interested but won’t ask me out? I’ve been exchanging emails with a couple of them. I’m using feeling messages and being open and receptive but they still won’t take the lead and actually ask me out! It’s frustrating because email communication feels very cerebral, no matter how hard I try to make it an emotional connection.

     I finally told two of them “I get the feeling we’d have fun hanging out together.” One of them hasn’t responded. The other responded by telling me to call him! But I don’t want to call him because that would be leaning forward and overfunctioning, plus then I’d probably end up planning the whole first date and I don’t want to do that.

     Really, it makes me so frustrated with men. They don’t love us when we overfunction, but they’re too… insecure? weak? afraid? to take the plunge and just ask us out. Don’t they have any idea how hard it is for us?

     How should I handle this?

     ~ Angeline

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 4:10pm

181. 181: Carolina says:

     Hi Angeline,

     I don’t know how match.com works but I wouldn’t normally initiate any contact with the guy other than visiting his profile, hotlist him, wink at him, add the guy to your favorites or any similar functionality, something equivalent to smiling at the guy if you were at a party. Do only enough for him to notice you and after that it’s up to him to write you or ask for your number. In the particular case of a guy that asks you to call him, I would respond “I’m really busy this week but next week seems better. Here’s my number …”. If the guy doesn’t call, he’s just not worth a minute of your attention!
     I hope this works.
     Good luck!
     Caro
     PS: make sure match.com is the right website based in your profile and the kind of men you’re looking.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 4:37pm

182. 182: Daria says:

     Angeline…

     I find the same online. I don’t ever contact men, they contact me.

     Rori said before to say… I don’t really feel like talking on line, im at 555 – 5555.

     Then he chooses whether to call you, so it’s not really leaning forward very much.

     Guys tell me to call them to, I say, I don’t want to call, I feel uncomfortable calling men. Im at 555- 5555.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 5:44pm

183. 183: Simply Shannon says:

     Angeline: I do the same as Daria. Typically men give out their numbers right upfront and say give me a call. And I usually just respond to them by giving them my number. And even if they keep saying the same thing, I just keep giving them an email back that ends with my number.

     Typical email from a man…
     Here’s my cell number. 555-5555. Give me a call sometime.

     My reply…
     It would feel great to meet you sometime. My cell is 123-4567. I hope you have a great week! Shannon

     I did cut one guy off because he never would call me. I literally said “I feel weird that we haven’t talked yet. I don’t want a date with an email address. You have my number.” And when he emailed me yet again, I said “I feel uncomfortable with this and feel a little wary about continuing to email. I don’t want to feel this way. Good luck with your search.” Yes, that closed it down but it was clear to me that he wasn’t going to call. I suspect that he might have been married or something. Just felt weird, so I ended it. And he still checks my profile. WEIRD!

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:00pm

184. 184: Chrissy says:

     Hi
     I just wanted to share a small success story.. (PS, Uschi I too have a similar issue re asking my man anything to do with money so I have been reading the responses with interest)
     My 6 year old son plays a game he calls “opposites day”. On that day (or every day, he is 6 after all ) whatever he says or does means the opposite. I took his game and applied what I have read from Rori.. I decided to respond in the “opposite” way to a situation that previously would have led to an issue with my partner and it seems to have worked!
     Last night after we had been to dinner he got angry with me during a (to me) seemingly meaningless discussion. He stormed inside and out to the back deck. I had absolutely no idea why he was angry with me and whenever this has happened in the past I have always followed him and asked what is wrong etc. Last night tho, I thought of “opposites day” and I connected with my feelings (tired, frustrated) and decided to honour how i felt and honour “opposites day” and I simply went to bed!
     After a long while, I heard him come inside and I could tell he was looking for me but I was enjoying feeling snuggled in my quilt and drifting off to sleep. When he finally came to bed he made a huge effort to cuddle me (although I was nearly asleep and I did not say anything) and that is how he fell asleep. And this morning he was very attentive! Both behaviours are very unlike him but then it was very unlike me to quietly go to bed (and not confront him first). Yay to opposites day! xx

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 6:54pm

185. 185: Rori Raye says:

     Chrissy – such a cool idea! Making change fun…Love, Rori

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:17pm

186. 186: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     didn’t mean to make you feel bad I was just frustrated with myself, when others seem me as seemingly intelligent and I don’t really feel that way about myself. But maybe I am at least on some level. Thing is I have always been a kind of do it yourself girl/woman/lady and when something was broken I fixed it myself if I could and most of the time I could. Learned a lot of things which are kind of male oriented, woodworking, painting, hanging sheet rock, laying tile, refinishing furniture, changing out light switches if they are bad. I think I could build a house if you give me the right tools and materials except for plumbing and electricity. Always been hands on and also always ready to help. And those are just a few things to mention. I was and am into many things that just happen to capture my interest and I always thought it was a good thing to be able to know all those things as a woman and be able to do it yourself instead of having some expensive person (nowadays mostly male but sometimes female) to get them to do it and pay lots of money for it. Even made some small repairs on my car years ago putting in a new radiator, changing out the fuel filter and thermostat. Always thought a man ought to appreciate a woman who can do all that and save money. Especially when you it is the case that you ask a man to do somthing and a year and a half later it still isn’t done grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. When we had a fire in the house a few years ago (mostly just smoke damage) I repainted living room, dining room, hallway and bathroom and I had the feeling he was happy that I was able to do that and he didn’t have to bother with it. After all a house is on dirt and he’d rather be on water (in a boat) as it is. And without blowing my own horn I did a damn good job too not just with the painting but also doing some repairs at the same time. Guess that was a little too forward and male oriented and maybe I should have just let him do all that and just help in a female way LOL. (what kind of tool is that? LOL) Yet at the same time I enjoy doing things like that every now and then. And yea, I know I learned a lot not on a doctor or lawyer level or something like that and by god I am not a professor of anything and sometimes I find myself rather under educated though my German education that I have is considered like 6 yrs of college here in the US – but hey life teaches you a lot and you kind of never stop learning but when I said what I said I was upset cause my mom should have been teaching me things like what Rori is teaching – but what the heck she just didnt know any better maybe my grandmother did cause my grandparents had a very very good marriage but that was also during another time and things were different then for woman and I think a lot more natural, unfortunately I never met my grandma she died at a rather young age during WWII – maybe I could have learned from her. Anyway no hard feelings pls.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:37pm

187. 187: Daria says:

     Uschi – thanks, I do not feel bad at all. I feel glad you are looking at your good qualities!

     I think it’s awesome that you know how to do these traditional “male” stuff. I am into that too! I loved learning about cars, and love changing tires etc. If we are doing it FOR US and because it makes us feel good, then great.

     But expecting the man to appreciate it “as help” to him won’t work.

     He loves us for BEING not doing, although he may admire us for being able to do stuff (it certainly does not have to scare him like sometimes women are afraid of)… he Loves us for Being us, and not for Doing or Not Doing.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 9:58pm

188. 188: Laurie says:

     Dear Rori,

     I have been married 15 yrs. this Thursday. My spouse and I are at a cross roads or should I say I am. For the first 1/2 if not more I played second fiddle to alcohol & his buddies, while my time was spent with our children. I waited, and waited for him to want to enjoy things with me that he planned for us things that I would like to do or see, i.e. I would plan for a birthday or anniversary an overnight trip and maybe a concert or comedy show he would like…. he always appreciated the things I have done for him. i don’t know maybe I was to accomadating when it came to my birthday and it was all planned with the kids, nothing really extra. Don’t get me wrong he has always given me nice, wonderful gifts, but it is all materialistic. Over the past 5 yrs. I just have lost more and more interest in him, just as he has lost his way to provide for us (it’s getting better he has a job now). The biggest thing is, is i don’t really miss him or sharing a bed with him. It’s really kind of sad. A couple of weeks ago we had sex for the first time in along time, it was nice when it was over I wanted to lay on his chest and I began to cry, not really understanding why… maybe for the loss of our relationship, not feeling as though there could ever be more than there is, still trying to figure it out. I feel as though I am really here just for the kids anymore, I guess it helps to a point that he is gone 5 days a week with his new job, home on weekends.

     He is not totally to blame as over the years I have felt cheated on by his desire for alcohol and hangin’ with the guys or his family, sometimes I don’t know what I was thinking, getting involved with him as i am not a big drinker. I know my limits and usually choose not to drink, especially knowing that I will have to be the responsible one. Last Xmas his cousin was in town and he chose to drink quite a bit (he had the kids with him) drove them home and then took my son out and had more to drink…. I felt that it was the last straw, but being in the financial situation I have not been able to move out. this new job has helped in giving me some space to hopefully heal. After all those years of feeling as though I did not matter an ex came back into my life (he’s married too) we just can’t seem to want to let go of us, either one of us, but he is not willing to change his situation. I am, but I’m not. I am very confused! I know my husband loves me and adores me and so does the other. where to go from here.

     Tuesday, 22 September 2009 @ 11:32pm

189. 189: Uschi says:

     Chrissy,
     love your comment and your solution – opposite – easy to remember when something comes up – I am so ungrateful – oh no just the opposite

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 4:03am

190. 190: Jo says:

     Hi Rori and all. Thank you so much for your wise words, honest heart and tools for change.

     I have been with my chap for three years. We lived together for a year and half. In June he moved out to go and live back with his mother as he had nowhere else to go. I am 35 and he is 43. The split was amicable. I asked him to move out he was happy to. I decided that i couldn’t tolerate his half truths, dark moods and he let his ex girlfriend ( mother of his child) control him so much it put a real strain on our relationship. She said that he could see more of his little girl if he didn’t live with me, ofcourse this wasn’t the main factor we split but it was another staw on the camels back. When we initially split i was very upset but stuck to No Contact.

     After a week he called me to say he had made the worst mistake of his life and felt devastated. My feeling was that even after a week he still wouldn’t realise just how much he was missing me. I didn’t play any girly games and told him i needed to be left alone as i felt drained and needed to rest my mind and heart for a while.

     To cut a long story short after time we did a lot of talking. My friends ( who i value greatly) could see a great change in him and in all honesty he has been consistent in treating me how i believe a man should. Close friends have also seen a positive change in me too. Due to my increased self esteem and self worth i am getting a lot of attention from decent guys when i am out. I am however, a fireclay loyal person and haven’t taken up any of the offers for meals out etc.

     The split has done us both good. He now realises just how much his ex and fear weather friends tried to ruin our relationship. I have realised that i was doing to much for him to the point where i don’t think he felt i needed him, this attitude of surrounding my world around him, mentally and physically drained me. I turned down invites, parties with friends just so i could be there for him. I now seriously realise how destructive this was. What annoys me is that i am a very intelligent, independent woman and yet for the life of me i look back and I can’t work out why i acted like this.

     Through reading your emails Rori I got a big wake up call, I have learn’t to value myself much more, I spend a lot of time with friends having fun, I do less for him but will ask him to help me with things around the house etc and because i value myself more, he values me too.

     My confusion lies with the fact although we both seem happy with each other i don’t see him making any decisions to leave his mums. He stays with me most nights, we spend weekends together and genuinely enjoy each others company. I get the feeling that he is scared to ask to come home as we are getting on so well and doesn’t want to rock the boat. I am not going to ask him when he is going to come home and have left him alone to make his own mind up. It is a real dilemma as i feel i should be saying to him….. it’s make your mind up time. Commit and live with me properly or stay living at your mums and lets both move on with our lives.

     He doesn’t get to see his child any more than his ex promised, that was a devious ploy to split us up. I am still hurt that he didn’t stick up to her then, but if we hadn’t of split then he wouldn’t of realised just how vindictive she is. I totally understand that his child comes before me in any condition but to be living out of bin liners in a tiny bedroom at his mums cant be good for his child to see his dad living this way.

     For me, as time goes on i get stronger and more independent. What worries me now is after taking a step out of an unhealthy relationship i am beginning to wonder if we really should be together. Now i am stronger and wiser i believe that if a man truly loves you then you know it and feel it. At the moment i don’t feel loved by him just another string to his bow.

     Also after three years i have never even met his mum, which i know in my heart is not a good sign. He say’s it is because she is difficult to get on with. I however do not believe that. He also hasn’t told his ex partner he is still seeing me incase she has a tantrum and stops him seeing his child.

     I have just read this back to check for spelling and grammar mistakes and i actually don’t know what the bliddy hell i am doing with this person. Maybe it’s the frame of mind I am in today. All i know is i am drained with trying to work out what to do for the best.

     After previously being in a relationship with a bully for 17 years and now this confusing relationship for 3 years maybe it’s time to just get to know me.

     By the way Rori …… ….you Rock. xx

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 4:27am

191. 191: Uschi says:

     Not sure how to act or react to this one. When he gets up in the mornings he is usually pretty grumpy and in a sour mood, to the point that he sometimes slams doors, gets irritated at the smallest things, doesn’t talk and has this generally pissed off look on his face. He does that during the day too at times when things go wrong with his computer or otherwise and when he gets interrupted when concentrating on something. In the past I have at times taken this personally when I didn’t know what caused his irritation or even anger. Now I’ve read a post by Rori and wonder if this could be used if he is acting this way and I quote her here
     “you know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling angry and disappointed, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on with us?” but maybe I should word it this way:
     “You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I’m feeling attacked when you are acting like this, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
     Just a way for me to let him know how I am feeling when he is that way, without accusing him, or making him feel awkward, but letting him know how I feel about it in a not attacking kind of way.
     I mean when it happened this morning he was pissed cause my daughters cat had pee-peed on his clothes (that cat need neutering but neither I nor my daughter have the money for that right now). However, on a positive note he said WE again even though it was in a sentence I didn’t really like; WE are not going to take care of the cat when she is in basic training (she is waiting to be shipped out for basic). The WE seems to indicate in a way. at least to me, that deep down it isnot be over for him. Also, reading this blog and about anger, it seems to mee he is stuffing down a lot of it and when it does come out then it is bitching about my stuff or things I did or didn’t do. He does seem to have some regrets about his past, for one giving up a job that made him good money because of his ex wife bitching about it, some apparent regret of not sticking it out not being strong enough to handle it. He mentioned that in passing to me. Now that I think about it, I feel that was a lot for him to say and to say it to me, it was sharing on his part. And learning from this blog and Rori, I believe that he actually shared something with me at that moment that was very deep for him. I just didn’t realize it at that moment, not consciously anyway more like felt it but did not get in touch with it. I know wish I could get back to that moment and respond differently. He also mentioned to me that there was something he shared with his X’s that he will never share with ANYONE again, It has something to do with Nam and what happened there, something to do with killing and apparently his X’s started to change their behavior towards him and he didn’t like that. I believe it made him sad and maybe he even felt misunderstood or not appreciated for doing for his country. I very much wanted to ask him what it was but I didn’t, now I wish I would have said that I felt not trusted or something to that effect cause I believe if he could talk about that to me we would make a big step forward in our relationship.
     I have read Rori’s post on “Unearth The Anger And Bring On The Intimacy” and I truly believe that should it come to that point where he is attacking me (and symptoms #2 fit him) he will step back and re-evaluate. There was an incident on the boat once where the fuel filter went bust and he had to fix it and I heard his now famous “God damn it” and I felt it was directed at me. For me that was a “normal” reaction because of my alcoholic husband who always made me feel like I was at fault. Thing is, I let him know then how it made me feel when I heard his “God damn it” and he stepped back way back and apologized and told me it wasn’t me and I could even see in his face how sorry he was that I felt that way. Looking back now, I also realize that at the beginning I shared so much more of myself with him (wow all the stuff that comes up just blogging here – amazing) at that time and I guess somehow when I moved we or maybe I should say I let every day problems get in the way and I kind of reverted to old ways or the only ones I know-knew. So right now I feel pissed that I let it happen and I am also sad that it happened and I have so many feelings right now and tears welling up that I can hardly see the screen. I want to share all those feelings with him, at the same time I am afraid I’d be overloading him. I want to run downstairs and share it all, pour it out, let it go let it rip, but I kinda feel that’s not a good idea. He is leaving Friday for 2 weeks and I kind of made something like a new years resolution that when he comes back things will be different (hopefully). I want back what we had then and actually hoping it will be even better than what it was when we started. At the same time I am afraid of falling into old habits WHEN things start getting good again, which I truly am hoping for. I believe I kind of need to sort things out and this blog is very helpful with that and I hope you guys are not gonna hate me for rambling on like that and sorting things out while writing. I am afraid of not succeeding, but I want to all the same.
     Anyway, this all started with him being grumpy in the mornings and me not feeling right about it and wanting to do something about it. Should I, at times like this, just give him space and let him know later how it made me feel or what is the best way to handle this?

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 7:55am

192. 192: la la land says:

     cool Chrissy, im inspired, my kids play that too.

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 9:52am

193. 193: Breanna says:

     Thank you for your adivice Rori. I have another problem, the man who is off limits keeps leading me on. And its really hard for me to break away from him. when i try to stop, i find myself wanting to call him, wanting to still hang out with him. How do i break away ? I feel that i’ve fallen for him, my emotions are tooo strong for me to just cut it off. i love him. my best friend doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. she doesn’t even want to be around me. so ive lost my best friend and im losing the one i love. what do i do? is it possible to be friends with any of them or should i just give up all together?

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:46pm

194. 194: T.R. says:

     Uschi,

     I have been reading your blogs here with a lot of interest. I have been through similar situations and I want to tell you that you are a strong woman (in a feminine way). It is difficult to know what to do when your man is behaving in a way that we don’t feel comfortable with. I think that Daria and others have had a lot of good advice and insight.

     Keep up your good work!

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:50pm

195. 195: Uschi says:

     T.R.
     thanks for your compliment about being a strong woman, though right now I am not sure that I really feel that way. Reading this blog and having Rori’s book sure is shaking lose a lot of feelings, remembering how things were in the past, what changed etc etc etc. and at the same time trying to change the way I talk to him in a feelings way, trying to lean back which is really so unlike me. Maybe this leaning back has a bit to do with letting go and starting to trust him more too. Cause I really am giving up controlling the outcome and that is damn hard to do. However, it seems like there is a small shift in the way he is behaving. He came upstairs just a bit ago and was really pissed cause of what one of the cats did. See my male cat had to have his penis removed cause of that urinary stuff and my daughters cat is not yet neutered and thinks that my cat is a female. In a way this is actually funny, except that Dave doesn’t want to hear what the cat “thinks” Anyway, normally he would have come up really really angry and irritated and this time he came up let me know about the problem of what the cat did and didn’t even ask me to do something about it. He just stood there for a while and then he said “Cartridges are really cheap” I have no idea what he meant by that except that maybe he was referring to the print cartridges he got for me earlier so I can put out some brochures at an upcoming bridal show. Really not sure what that was all about. In any case I leaned back, let him talk and it was like easy and I was surprised that he was calm about everything. The important things is before we would have argued about this “stupid” stuff and this time we didn’t. I wasn’t angry, didn’t have much feelings about the whole thing at all and I just let him say what he felt he needed to say and let him get it out. I didn’t feel attacked and I feel that is a big step forward, and maybe my acting and talking differently does make a difference within him. Not sure – matter of fact I am very unsure – the only thing I know is that there seems to be some small changes and he seems a bit more relaxed at least with me.

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 2:21pm

196. 196: Flipper says:

     Uschi, wow, I see you just going a mile a minute!! From what you say, you seem to feel unsure and like you’re making slowwww progress, but honestly, it’s only been a few weeks since you’ve started and the unacceptable situation has been installed for ages! But there’s already palpable progress. Brava from me, too – what’s happening with you feels so encouraging to me.

     I feel you’ve felt your way to the ‘right’ way to handle his grumpiness. It doesn’t really matter exactly what moment to say it – your post already contains good words for expressing your feelings in the matter in a non-blaming way, and I feel he’ll probably react similarly to how he did in the ‘… damn…’ boat incident. I.e. he’ll realize the effect he’s having on you and even though he probably thought it was only about himself and the stuff happening to him without the slightest link to you at all, apologize or be willing to be more careful of your feelings next time.

     That said, many people, and not just men, are subject to irreductible morning grumpiness – in that case, if they can’t be more amenable or you can’t stop feeling hurt by it, maybe agreeing to avoid each other’s company till a certain hour or some other solution can be worked out between you.

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 3:57pm

197. 197: Daria says:

     Uschi I agree with Flipper! I feel ABSOLUTELY INSPIRED!!! by the words you found about teh morning grumpiness… I too feel uncomfortable and haven’t really known how to express it when I feel other people angry around me but know it’s not about me, and yet i feel affected.

     THANK YOU FOR THAT … THANK YOU THANK YOU

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:05pm

198. 198: Daria says:

     I would say in my situation

     “You know – I feel awkward talking about this, but I feel this uncomfortable angry feeling from you, and I feel on edge and it feels weird… and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel that way… what do you think?”

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:08pm

199. 199: Uschi says:

     Daria, I need to say that the above words are actually from a post Rori put up but I find some of the things she posts are words that feel right to me touch me, and when it comes to being smart about words it usually comes to me 3 days after the fact. We have a saying in Germany about decorating yourself with other peoples feathers LOL meaning using something and making it your own but without giving vredit to the person who did or said it. That’s however not like me; Rori I hope you have no problems with me using those words sometimes with a slight change. I believe you are posting them for ppl to use because for some of us it is difficult to come up with the proper words or combination of words at the right moment so it is helpful having read an example.
     There were a few God damn its today that I could even hear upstairs but I knew what they were about LOL and after I had gone shopping and came home he was actually BUBBLING over with the good news that teh software problem was taken care of and he was getting the “God damn” labels printed. So I decided to make steak for dinner his with pepper mine without (I hate pepper) and we had a nice dinner and he even poured me a rum to celebrate having the book done on time.
     Now, this is nothing really special cause I believe he would have done that anyway, It was the attitude he did it with that seemed to me more open, more relaxed. I am hoping I am not sensing this wrong, but I am trying to stay positive here. There are still lots of problems we need to work on and I am hoping that it can be done. However him using the word WE and more than once lately leads me to believe that not all is lost. I am still having a problem though with the leaning back and find myself stepping into old shoes so to speak – or just one shoe being on before I put on the other – catching myself leaning forward and not all the time right away so I have to pay more attention to that at least verbally – phisically I am doing ok with it I think. Does anyone have the dance position. I read about it and would like to know more about it and maybe use it
     You all have a good night and sleep well – I am going to play my game now for an hour or so (world of war craft) – leaning back doing m,y own thing – and hope I get some good gear out of an instance.
     Achievements in that game make me feel so good and being a level 80 does too cause in some cases I can be sooooooooooooooooo powerful LOL

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 9:15pm

200. 200: Rori Raye says:

     Laurie, Welcome, and wish I could give you simple advice — but I hear that you understand how you’re going to have to work your way through this — by getting financially independent of the marriage and being able to bring it back to life in an emotional way. First – start with you. Your self esteem, your confidence, your love for you. Good luck, and I know you’ll find lots of help here, Love, Rori

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 10:55pm

201. 201: Daria says:

     Uschi – you play world of warcraft wow you rock! I’ve been meaning to start playing that lol

     I’ve used Rori’s words word for word before. Now I find myself saying them naturally from me hehe

     Great job, keep loving you loving YOU

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 12:05am

202. 202: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     go out get the game now all the way up to the last extension the Lich King and come to the Mok’Nathal Realm I be happy to invite you into my guild (I am one of the officers) and though we are a leveling guild we also now with as many 80’s as we have do raiding etc. The game changes a bit when you are 80. I have a lvl 80 hunter a lvl 24 Shamanm a lvl 14 Rogue and other very low lvl toons my hunter so far is my only 80 and I will get some of the other toons leveld up. But my hunter is my favorite. There is soooooooo much to this game almost a life within a life but of course I am not taht hooked on it I am only playing it in the evenings and at one time Dave was really pissed that I was playing it. Last night though I even mentioned something about the game and how it has references to the black knight of Monte Python, other movies, German and Greek Mythology etc etc. Right now they got the Brew fest going on thinking Octoberfest with real German beer drinking music it almost makes me a little homesick. They got stuff going on for the different holidaywith achievements and if you get all the holiday achievements (which takes a year or more if you didnt know about it like me) you get a reward a mount. Bute let me warn you, you need a damn good PC for that a broadband connection if possible wired directly not wireless and a good graphics card and at least a gig of RAM better would be 2gigs. 12 bucks a month (Ipay every 3 month) is cheap entertainment nowadays. If you want I can recruit you which also would give me a few benefits LOL like lvl’ing one of my other toons faster LOL. Anyway let me know.
     Today Dave keeps shutting the basement door so the cat can not have an accident anymore downstairs. I got up after he did and I am hoping he is over his morning grouchiness. We’ll see what happens today. I gotta clean up the kitchen from last night though first I gotta do the cooking and fishing quest cause that’s how I wake up in the morning.

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:19am

203. 203: Aggy says:

     bravo sirens, I just love this!
     Requesting for the meaning of ‘Rebirthing bodywork’
     read it in Rori’s e-book and am unable to tell what it is

     Love you all
     Aggy

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:35am

204. 204: Uschi says:

     Daria
     about getting the game I didn’t mean to make that sound like an order LOL

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:51am

205. 205: Uschi says:

     Lori,I was married to an alcoholic husband (my second marriage) for over 12 years the last 4 I was gone. I had to leave. For the longest time he put a guild trip on me and I would cover for him and make sure things would look good on the outside. At the same time he didn’t have a drivers license (DWI) and I was driving him everywhere. I was an enabling him to drink. It took me a long time to see that. When a friend said to me not to feel guilty for leaving him, cause I thought he would drink more if I did and I saw him in my mind with a brown paper bag with a bottle in it on the side of the road, because it was his choice to drink I am not the one to put that bottle in his hand and say go drink. All of a sudden it went bingo and I packed my bags and left. Because of him my children were in Forster care and the situation was really really bad. So get a way from him at least for as long as he is drinking. I am sure you have friends with whom you can stay for the time being till you get a job and are on your own feet. Maybe he will come around, stop drinking and start taking care of things. But I would not go back until he has proven himself to you. There are better men out there than that. I know I am going through a difficult time right now myself, but he is a good man and I just didnt know how to do the things that Rori is teaching and I am hoping to work it out cause he is worth it. However in your case and I have been there with the drinking all I can say is get out and start over. If I can do it you can too and trust me it was difficult for me I actually lived in my car for a while. Men like that will undermine your confidence and I got a big boost of that back when I was in a small pageant and won the state and nationals. Boy did that make me feel good and at the same time he lost his hold on me and got mean. That’s when I left and for the first time in a long time I felt free and it felt good even though I was poor (I lived on 150 bucks a month at the time) That was over 12 years ago and even then 150 bucks was nothing at all but I made it with the help also of some friends.

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 7:37am

206. 206: Uschi says:

     Rori,
     I think I have made a little bit of progress, and I see some changes in him however small. However, there is something I really really want. I suspect there in some way that other woman I was talking about at first is still around though I get the feeling he is not into it that much anymore (I could be wrong) How can I reintroduce sex/love making back into our relationship. I am not sure that feeling messages would do it and I think saying “I feel horny” is a bit too direct. He used to shrug away when I just touched him and he hasn’t been doing that lately when I made a small gesture of just rubbing over his back or something when I let him know that I understood something or along those lines. How can I take it further? He also been sleeping more in the bed instead of on the couch. I feel those are small positive signs. Maybe I am trying to rush it but darned “I am horny” and I don’t want to satisfy that in a circular dating situation cause I feel cheating would be the worst thing I could do and I am not comfortable with that. Besides it would just be a sexual thing and not making love. He will be leaving tomorrow and do his research for 2 weeks and I don’t know if that woman is gonna be there or not and actually I am not sure if I care as long as I see some of those positive things he is doing however small they are. is there anything I could do so it may happen between now and tomorrow evening? Any help on that would be sooooooooooooooooooooo greatly appreciated.
     Uschi

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 8:40am

207. 207: Rori Raye says:

     Jo, Welcome…and it seems to me you’re doing quite brilliantly answering your own question!! Just keep going, using the Tools, and it will get clear to you. Look into the future and imagine what it is you really want and how you want it to feel. Love, Rori

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 9:39am

208. 208: Rori Raye says:

     Breanna, a man can not “lead” you anywhere you don’t want to go, unless there’s something wrong in your own systems. You sound to me in the throes of obsession. It’s a “junkie” thing. Please approach this as you would an addiction (perhaps this is why you’ve lost your friend) — and heal yourself. Get away from this man if he’s off limits. Love, Rori

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:15am

209. 209: Uschi says:

     Can anyone tell me about the dance position. Read about it and really would like to know more mentioned in an earlier post too

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 6:44pm

210. 210: Daria says:

     Uschi – have you seen the Front Page Post? Rori used your comment!!! Wow

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 12:56am

211. 211: Jo says:

     Thank you Rori for coming back to me. I have been reading all the posts and it’s great to be able to be amongst such vibrant women who are on a quest to to be happier in themselves and in there relationships.

     I have been asking myself some serious questions recently and i have given myself a firm kick up the backside.

     Questions are. Am I happier when i am around him. Answer.. no i feel confused and unsure.
     Do I feel we have a future. Answer… No because he can’t seem to look further than his own needs, wants and gains.
     Does he have both feet in this relationship. Answer… No
     Would i call him if i needed help with anything or support. Answer… No
     Is the physicall attraction fading for me. Answer… yes because i now see him as a very weak person.
     Am i to blame for this relationship failing. Answer… yes because i forgot who i really was and focused all my love, time and affection on him. Not healthy.

     The main question I ask myself is why does a street smart, intelligent, attractive women choose to give her love, time and loyalty to guys who are so shallow and emotionally screwed and unable to ride beside me. Instead these men jump in and out of my life on there space hoppers ready to take my kindness, love and support and then bounce of again. More fool me.

     After a few months of reading Rori’s advice, comments etc I have been reminded of the girl i used to be, and i really liked her. I have now found her again. I have also just read Marie Forleo’s book “Make Every Man Want You” it actually is a book giving a life changing lesson in loving yourself inside and out and therefore you draw to yourself more positive relationships, its brilliant.

     So I have decided to think of myself, what i want and what makes me happy. I have told my current partner that we have different ideas about what defines a relationship. That I can’t be with someone who thinks its acceptable to call me horrible names in jest, that trys to screw with my mind through there own insecurities, that at 45 is still tied to his mother, that drifts into hateful nasty moods for no reason and is still i believe hung up on there ex. I have now got stronger and thrown the rose coloured spectacles in the cat litter tray. All these things have made him less attractive to me emotionally and physically. Someone else can put up with his suitcases of baggage because i dont have the room.

     I am very fortunate to have some wonderful things in my life that i have neglected due to trying to please the unpleasable. Great friends, supportive family a reasonable job, my health, financial independence ( although a struggle), the ability to laugh at myself and my sanity. Thank god.

     I have made plans that revolve around me for this weekend, and i am looking forward to it. I know that i won’t be have to be wondering why he hasn’t called me or wont answer me. I wont have to wonder if he is going to sulk when i jump on stage and start signing on the karaoke. I wont get upset when we are out because he disappears to another pub because he can’t be bothered to wait for me. I wont waste my time cooking a Sunday dinner when he would rather eat with his mummy.

     I value myself so much more and unless he can start to value himself and me, then i am not wasting my energy on this anymore.

     Have a great weekend ladies, i am off to get a jam doughnut and a cup of coffee. xxxxxx

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 4:06am

212. 212: Uschi says:

     Daria, I don’t have a link to the front page and haven’t found it yet.Could you post it for me please.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 7:45am

213. 213: Uschi says:

     Rori,
     well, back to my post somewhere above. He is not leaving until sometime tomorrow morning due to weather conditions that would make it difficult do skipper though a canal that has a lot of heavy commercial traffic and he needs to travel it to get where he is going or otherwise face going out into the Atlantic. I would like to figure out something that could happen this evening. Spending time together, communication, etc. me maybe getting in some more feeling messages or just in some way of reconnecting more. I would like to do or say something that makes an impact in some way that will be on his mind while he is gone without me leaning forward in any way.
     What would be a good thing to say for him to kind of take notice. While he will be gone for those 2 weeks I will work on me and loving me more and all those things you talk about. Working with your book more too. (and of course the house) I feel like I am at a stand still, and though he has shown a small improvement in the way he interacts with me I want to see more, FEEL more. I feel the need of some more results for reconnection before he leaves tonight. Some small thing that makes him lean towards me while I am leaning back. Help what can I say?

     When I look back, in some way I have been leaning back, whenever he wanted to do his hobby and I let him do it, figuring if I let him do it and not nag about it he’ll be happy and in the process and over time we lost the connection. So he got what he wanted and I didn’t get what I wanted. My fault because of course I didn’t know how to get something across to him in feelings messages and I resented him for having what he wanted. In further thinking I also believe that his griping about the way I kept house and my stuff is a surface thing and there is something more underneath it. He actually was talking to me in feeling messages himself, when we had “discussions” about it by him saying ‘I felt unsupported by you because you didn’t do this or that’. I believe now that if I had loved myself more, got in touch with my feelings, respecting myself, the housekeeping and other stuff would have taken care of itself because I would have respected myself and the surroundings I live in. Feels funny to write that I kinda feel like smacking myself in the head just about now for being so stupid. Yet to get the energy to do everything I need to do and I have done some already, I also feel I need something else, some positive sign from him. I know it is all about me and loving me and taking care of me etc. but when it all comes right down to it, it is about us, about him too because he is a good man and I am loving myself by being with a good man, just that we have let things get away from us and me not knowing how to be a GIRL or a WOMAN. After all this is a relationship and its 2 human beings who love each other (I truly believe he still does deep down or things would be much different). A woman, now matter how much she takes care of herself, loves herself, still needs a man to fulfill some needs and I am not talking about the sexual needs alone. I have known many women in my life who took excellent care of themselves, were independent, self-sufficient and quite successful in their job, unmarried and no man in their lives cause they said they didn’t need one, they could take care of themselves, but in all cases they were lonely and always looking for something that was missing. And, in all cases they had failed relationships ended up hating men, and I now believe it is for the things they didn’t know, the things that you Rori are teaching.
     I am ever so thankful that I came across Rori’s page and this blog. I just hope it all works out with my man.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 11:53am

214. 214: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     never mind found the page DUH LOL

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 12:07pm

215. 215: Daria says:

     JO…

     great job. I read Marie’s book too and I liked it.

     #1 rule DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP

     ie (no kick in the pants. No I am to blame for this (or anything). FEEL the icky feeling of guilt, anger, desperation or whatever. Tell it “the feeling” you love it,and you love you. BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

     As Rori says.. PUT THAT HAMMER DOWN.

     Love

     Daria

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 1:01pm

216. 216: Uschi says:

     I think I screwed up! Incredible as this may sound – at least to me cause he blew me away AGAIN – leaving tomorrow for two weeks, as most of you know – he came upstairs and asked me if he should stop the mail while he was gone, saying that he was thinking it may be too much for me and I wasn’t getting all that much mail as it is. What the heck is that all about I just don’t get it, he has gone for more than one trip the most recent one in August for 2 weeks and he never asked me if I could handle the mail. I am at a total loss here and don’t know at all what this is about or what it means. However, I think I screwed up, I did lean back but let him know that it wasn’t a problem before and wouldn’t be on now. Maybe I should have said I leave that up to you however you want to handle that but that thought came to me too late. But this just kind of baffled me that he would even ask me such a thing, and it felt confusing and I am still confused, and so I may have acted not quite right. So then he asked me to please make sure that the papers are taken out of the driveway so his boss wouldn’t have a fit if they stack up. I just told him not to worry.
     Does anyone have a clue to this thing and why he would out of the clear blue sky ask me about something he never even gave thought to before.
     Still looking to figure out how something could happen tonight the last evening we have together before he goes and I would really like it if he would spend at least some time with me instead of sitting in front of his PC downstairs.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:12pm

217. 217: Simply Shannon says:

     Uschi: I’m wondering if he asked because he wants to take care of you while he’s gone. Not a bad thing. Maybe you could go downstairs and say “I just wanted to tell you I feel cared for when you think of things to help me out, like stopping the mail while you’re gone. I really appreciate that. I’m really going to miss you being here.”

     Just from the comments above about hugging and not getting affection, it seems to me that maybe there’s a way to flirt our way into some affection and not be leaning forward. And I hope my comments to Uschi isn’t considered being forward. I would just like a way to be soft about things and open up so I’m the Invitation so many have mentioned. I feel a little closed off about that and wonder if it’s me getting in my own way around the affection thing. Like maybe I feel angry because I’m not being touched and that is manifesting itself in not being touched. I hope that makes sense.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:20pm

218. 218: Uschi says:

     Shannon, thanks for your comment, you could be right however I am still baffled though.
     About the flirting; I forgot how to flirt if I ever knew how to do it and then how do you flirt yourself with a man you have been living with for a bit over 8 years to get some affection and leaning back at the same time. I been leaning back and very open and receptive to his male energy but especially to affection. I yearn for a hug, a kiss and yea some lovemaking too but not sure if I should give that sex-part just yet after everything. Maybe with that I should wait till we are more stable again within our relationship. But a hug alone can mean just soooooooooooooooooooooooo much

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:46pm

219. 219: Flipper says:

     That feels like a good approach to me, Simply Shannon – it feels light, non directive but sincere. Yet Uschi’s situation (and mine) feels like such a paradox: not to hold to a particular result and still feel such yearning for results.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 2:51pm

220. 220: Simply Shannon says:

     Isn’t it authentic to say “it would feel so good to be hugged” or “I miss being touched”? This is where I get things crossed between leaning forward and leaning back. I know in my head that I’m directing the outcome. Just not sure how to go about this either. I feel bad Uschi. I know you feel a sense of urgency since he’s leaving tomorrow. I feel confused about this as well. For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!

     Rori: HELP!

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 3:06pm

221. 221: Uschi says:

     Well, in a way I think he knows that I need affection cause I did let him know of it in one of our previous discussions, but that was before I started reading this blog and got Rori’s book. So does anyone know how to flirt with someone you have been living with for a long time. I have never even really flirted in my life and if I did I don’t know that I did it LOL. And Flipper you are right, it is difficult. In some of the emails she sends around about her book she speaks of over night results but they are not especially not in a situation like mine or yours. Rori is talking circular dating and in a way I am doing it by being open to men and leaning back to just see what happens, but maybe they know somehow that I am not available cause I don’t really get any results and I am wearing a ring not even a real one a CZ that my daughter once had from an X boyfriend from high school LOL and I had it reset in real gold cause the stone is really nice looking but the original setting was prob. just gold coated cause it wore off and felt rough so I had it reset.
     So anyway I am still asking how do you flirt with a man that you been living with for a while.
     Something else I feel I need to say. I always believed things happen for a reason. I could have come across Rori probably years ago (don’t know how long her blog has been up or how long her book has been out) however I didn’t and when I was married to my alcoholic husband or my first husband I would have used her help and it would have broken up anyway and I know why now. However her coming “in to my life” or me finding her on the web now, kind of makes me believe too that this relationship is meant and hopefully it came in time to rescue this one cause he is worth it and so is this relationship. For many of you out there who are so much younger than I am it is good that you learn this now and not go through toxic men like I did before.

     He went to see his daughter tonight and said he be back later but it could very well be that he decides to go to the boat after he drops her off at her place so my evening with his would be shot to hell. He has done that before and if he does it this time I will need some advice on how to handle that when he comes back.

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 6:25pm

222. 222: Uschi says:

     Well another change of plans, he wont be able to leave till late Monday night or Tuesday morning, cause of the weather and the wind. I have a feeling this whole trip might be canceled and done some other time cause the Delaware bay is not easy and the weather looks bad for at least half of next week so he wont be able to start scanning till Wed. Takes 2 days to get up there with the boat at about 7 knots an hour.

     And that gives me time to do some more leaning back and implement some more feelings etc and maybe get some results. Girls help me a bit with the flirting thing and how to get him to actually spend some time with me instead of the PC

     I feel pretty happy right now that he will be around some more and I have more time, yet insecure cause I am still quite new at this feelings and leaning back thing. While he is still out with his daughter I am doing some ME time like doing my hair and taking a nice long hot bath and using my favorite perfumed cream.

     Daria,
     just want to know real quick have you started with the WOW (world of war craft) yet – you probably laugh at me but I am testing some of those feelings messages in game cause I have made a lot of “friends’ in the game and in my guild – there are many players at my age and some are even older – there is even a guild called Old Farts of WoW LOL aside from all teh kids that play it too this game has a lot to offer for all ages – anyway I have been using some of Rori’s system with the guys in the game cause you do make friendly and get close especially when your raid together and talk on vent. I am amazed at how SOME guys respond to feeling messages you can actually feel how they respond in the in game chat and even more so over vent. (Vent = ventrilo a small program that some guilds have to be able to talk instead of type-chat in game it helps with raids and dungeons a lot) There are situations pretty much like in real life where you could get angry, upset, down or happy because of other players actions, behavior or achievements and things being said or done. And feelings happen no matter what or where. Rori is probably shaking her head when she reads this and would have never thought of this as some type of circular dating but it does work to some degree. I also find it easier because not that much is really riding on this like in my real relationship in real life. It doesn’t matter if I mess up and accidentally lean forward falling into an old habit and there is time to think about it later and kind of file the incident away for real life reference Actually when you think about it not much different from internet dating with email and text messaging or IM’ing. I also know of at least 3 couples who met in game liked each other decided to meet and got married. WOW Let me know if you decide to start this game I’d be happy to help you get started.

     Uschi

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 7:53pm

223. 223: Mary says:

     Hi Rori,

     My story actually began when my daughter left for college and I experienced a sustained feeling of loss, and sadness. Although I didn’t even know that was what was happening.
     After she had been gone for three years and moved into her own apartment and not even coming home much at all any more, I decided it was time to go out and find a boyfriend.
     It happened pretty much as soon as I decided this. I met a guy who really seemed to click with me. Our sense of humor was fun together and all the kinds of things that one finds in common that usually add up to some sort of connection.
     The thing is, he told me from the beginning that he was just in it for fun and not to expect anything too serious. I thought that that was something I could handle, and I also thought that if it happened that we spent more time together and got closer that things would naturally progress if they were allowed to.
     We were basically connected at the hip. Long short, I thought we were getting cloer and more comfortable with each other.
     There were two times he pulled back. Said he didn’t want a “relationship” I questioned it, but basically knew I couldn’t stp him from living his life and said ok.
     He would never stop calling, texting or coming over for sex.
     I thought he was just testing me by pulling back to see if I would get needy or whatever, and let him work it out.
     But after a few more months of him still making dates and seeing me and spending weekends and holidays with me, suddenly he tells me he doesn’t want to have sex with me any more.
     That he wasn’t available any more for me.
     That he needed to concentrate on work and we could still see each other every once and a while because he really liked me, but he could not be as available.
     I cried and told him that would be hard for me, but ok.
     He continued to call etc, and come over like nothing happened… until he went missing for an entire weekend.
     It was very hard for me to come to terms with, and of course wasn’t really the issue at all.
     So now he is living with another woman, but still insisting on being friends with me.
     Only NOT…? Because he is LIVING WITH A WOMAN.

     I have gone on to “date around” I am in therapy to work on the issues that surfaced as a result of me recognizing what was happening and how unhappy I really was, and have embarked on a whole new career since that last lost weekend.
     But he still calls and texts and makes overt sexual suggestions.
     I had dinner with him the other night and realized that I am not attracted to him AT ALL, that he is insulting and doesn’t even make me laugh any more.
     I could swear it was a different man sitting across the table from me.
     I have moved on. That is big.

     I am having trouble finding a guy that actually clicks with me though. All these dates and I have not done a second one with any of them.
     Is this normal?
     Could I still harbor trust issues and not really want to jump in again?
     Or am I just being incredibly picky?
     I know one thing for sure.
     I do NOT want HIM.
     But where do I begin again?

     Thank you Rori

     Friday, 25 September 2009 @ 10:17pm

224. 224: Flipper says:

     I feel Circular Dating’s Anywhere you can make it, and re World of Warcraft, I’d rather imagine Rori bobbing her head up and down in Agreement, for all the reasons you described, Uschi. One of the benefits of circular dating, after all, is the practice at learning to Feel the difference between men who CAN and men who CAN’T do relationship – exactly as shown by your observation. I’d also imagine that some of your exchanges in WoW are rather flirty, no? Can you ‘recycle’ some of that into your love context?

     I’m not much of a flirter, either, tho’ sometimes I surprise myself when fun stuff comes out. Right now I’m struggling with clamming up just when I have good opportunities to talk with guys during the couples dances at the folkdancing places I go to. In my head, I’ve been going “je me sens…” (‘I feel’ in the language I use here) to try to kickstart something, but mostly I come up with ‘embarassed’ about stepping on toes, or not following well or not knowing the steps well enough (or too-well with beginner partners), and that feels like putting myself down. Don’t want to go there. And things I’ve thought of about their dancing feel like judgments, even when they’re good things (who am I to ‘approve’ their capabilities or style?). Lightbulb: I wrote ‘thought of’ – that must be a clue. Sometimes I drift off to feel dreamier and hope a feeling word comes up, and bam! I miss the beat and have to scramble to get back in step!

     So, I’m still trusting in the Universe to work this out for me, and feel encouraged that She seems to be sending you some adverse weather conditions in your favor. If this can happen to you, it can happen to me. I can ‘make’ it happen, in a receiving, girly way. Yes I can. (the weather here has been holding at unusually mild, so I get to practice tonight AND tomorrow afternoon at dances outdoors along the river.)

     As for how to encourage sexual advances from a partner, I seem to remember a post Rori did, probably sometime before summer (i.e. Sep to June?), on that very subject. About BEing an invitation? In a subtle but clear, lean-back way? Sorry I can’t be more specific. Had no one to practice with at the time (for lack of a partner unfortunately, not because things were stuck with one in that department) – so I can’t share any experience that would help jog my memory of exactly when that post came out.

     I feel a lot of resonance with your posts, Uschi (tho’ a world away from WoW – I’m glad Daria can relate to that with you).

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 4:47am

225. 225: tinque says:

     “‘For me, when I’m not touched, I feel unwanted and if I end up asking to be touched (no matter how I say it), my brain thinks he’s just doing it because I “asked”. A conundrum to say the least!”

     Shannon – Especially in the early stages of a relationship or if you (the collective you) are insecure and find validation through touch or sex (I have been here, and probably could easily revisit this place if the situation ever arose again), it’s difficult to really gauge the true state of the relationship. When a man withdraws, it’s more often than no nothing to do with you. It’s work or his finances, or he doesn’t feel well or something like this.
     It is perfectly OKAY and not leaning forward to say, “I miss you. I miss feeling close to you.” He may very well not respond right away, chances are he won’t, yet the seed has been planted and furthermore, this simple NOT LEANING FORWARD declaration can act as a sort of wake up call, as a way to shake him out of “his mood”.
     xxoo

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 9:54am

226. 226: Uschi says:

     Flipper,
     I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
     well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
     That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
     To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
     Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
     captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
     Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
     Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
     It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
     Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
     Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

     Flipper,
     about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

     I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway.

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:06am

227. 227: Uschi says:

     Flipper,
     I’d love for Rori to tell me if she was shaking her head, bobbing it up and down or sit there and laugh her butt silly over this WOW thing. But let me give you an example. There is this one guy whom I met in there over a rare that he killed a dragon (rares drop better loot) Vyragosa. I have an add on that tells me if rares are near by so I can find them – everyone is after those rares especially Time lost Proto Drake cause he drops a mount every time. There are rare pets too hunters can tame I got two of them working on a third. But anyway he and I started talking and then questing together and every now and then lately a little well – hmmmmmmmmmm risque talking and maybe acting it out just for the fun of it. I don’t feel this is cheating and since Rori’s advice on circular dating this is the thing I feel comfortable with. Anyway every now and then he gets a coarse hair up his butt and puts me on ignore when he feels I should be there for him and help him with some quests. I then used to go over to one of my other toons (not on ignore) and read him the riot act, Well, since I read this blog and Rori’s book the last time this happened I went over to my other toon and just typed “I feel abandoned” He typed back
     well how do you think I felt when you didn’t do the one quest with me (a big boss to kill with 302 health points that also drops a mount but less often and only there during that game holiday). I then explained to him that it was impossible for me to get a group together for it and I only took invites to dungeons (big places in which you fight with a group) when he wasn’t on line and then told him that I felt he was being rather childish and then I stopped talking to him. logged off and went back to my hunter toon which he still had on ignore. Then the next morning I get this bright cheery in capital letters GOOD MORNING from him, I said the same back and nothing else (leaning back in a games way LOL) All of a sudden this short worded not very talkative texan big male started talking telling me where ppl needed help with a particular quest (ppl do pug meaning getting help from outside their guild) what he was planing to do in game for the day what chores he had to do at home etc etc etc and if I would consider doing a quest with him later in the day. It was almost like he was trying to say sorry without having to say I AM SORRY.
     That was after I started reading this blog and before I bought the e-book from Rori.
     To be quite honest with you when I first started looking on the internet to get some help with my situation here with my man I found a lot of things offered with big promises made and then I looked at the prices etc or checked in to maybe a coaching hour and with the exception of Rori’s blog wont even give you the time of day without you having your credit card in hand. Then I came across Rori’s page and then her blog and it was different and on top of that I liked her picture and I looked into it some more, posted my problem and got a personal answer from her. So before buying I started trying by reading Rori’s blog and later used some of what I read there in game figuring that’s a way of circular dating (virtual circular dating) and seeing if what she recommends works for me. I am sure Rori understand where I am coming from, with not spending money till I knew what I am getting and if it is the right thing for me.
     Anyway when I noticed the difference in reaction I was getting to putting out feeling messages instead of my usual thing, that’s when I bought the book and started using it fully with my man, I had started testing the waters a little bit with him also while reading the blog too but very carefully and just leaning back. The leaning back advice reminded me of something a friend of my mothers said once when I was just a teenager and had this puppy love for a guy – she said “A man doesn’t want anything that is freely offered to him, he needs to pursue, he needs the hunt and he needs to capture only then are you worth something to him. I had not totally forgotten about that but didn’t think that once I was
     captured” I still needed to lean back and let him have the feeling of being a man that can lean forward and be masculine. It was as Rori said in one of her posts and not sure if I am quoting her or not that once I had him or he had me I had to show how good I was in taking care of him, show him what all I could do, prove myself to him and what I was worth and that I was a great woman that could do all that and take care of all that and be superwoman. Which writing this brings to mind an incident however small it was but thinking back on it I now see where I went wrong so many times. He had in chasing the cat, to prevent him from going down to the basement, spilled some coffee on the floor and I said ‘Don’t worry I clean it up’, already having a rag in my hand. And he got grumpy grabbed the rag out of my hand and said ‘I can do it myself.’ We almost had a fight over that, but I wasn’t in the mood for fighting so I let it go and I walked away and I felt guilty. Stupid right, but I felt guilty for having the cat (I had the cat before I met him) he isn’t too crazy about cats he loves dogs and gave me a black lab for my 51t birthday that I had wanted for my 50th.
     Anyway I felt guilty, I think I felt guilty for him spilling his coffee cause if it hadn’t been for the cat it wouldn’t have gotten spilled in the first place, and I felt guilty for loving my cat the way I do. If this would happen now I would tell him how that made me feel.
     Remembering another incident before we started having problems years ago. We were at the boat and he was puttering around fixing and repairing things, fuel filter changing etc. and this marina dog a little beagle that everyone loved decided to spend the night with us (smart dog I love him he is still around) While Dave was puttering around I went to bed, and Bingo (the dog) decided to cuddle up next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke half way heard Dave come down below sensed him looking at the bunk heard him sigh and stomp off the boat. He went to the car to lay down but then he saw me coming up cause I wanted to see what was wrong, he came back went to the bunk and went to sleep. Next day after figuring out that he was frigging jealous of the dog being cuddled up to me where he apparently wanted to be. I told him after the tension had subsided a bit that I felt he was jealous of the dog being next to me where HE wanted to be and that he could have just moved the dog to the other bunk. It was like I pricked a balloon and all the tension went out of his face and he looked a bit caught and deflated and a bit guilty and embarrassed too. Embarrassed I think because he realized that he had acted a bit childish.
     It makes me realize and feel it as a real thing that like Rori said, when you first fall in love you are open, you are not afraid and you trust a lot more in the other person but then as time goes on you want to keep it nice, stuff things down, don’t talk about it, don’t rock the boat, and I almost want to say become dishonest by not opening up not sharing your feelings and just keeping things inside, because you love him want to keep him don’t want him to think you are weak or a nagging bitch etc etc etc. And then you start nagging about stupid stuff that really doesn’t matter all that much. That’s when things starting to fall apart.
     Rori, maybe you said all that on other posts in different words etc. but me writing my thoughts down reflecting back and seeing for the first time with different eyes now what went on kind of is the light bulb (and maybe the same as yours) that pops on over my head or in my brain. That light bulb is horribly bright, and I find myself kind of closing my eyes to that bright light a bit and just looking at it through the slits of my eyes and letting my eyes get used to it over a bit of time. I need to let it in slowly or I will be overwhelmed, I have to work with it slowly or I will be confused. Also I find myself wanting to stay in the shadows a bit where it is comfortable because this light signifies big change, and I am not all that comfortable with change, but I am facing it already and seeing small changes that it makes within me.
     Its like getting rid of an old pair of really, really comfortable shoes and putting on a new pair that still need walking in – I am the shoes. Sometimes I am just still picking up those old shoes cause they still feel good yet at the same time you know you gotta get rid of them. Is there a point where you actually throw them away or do you just forget to put them on over time and they kind of stay in the closet forgotten. I think when that time comes I will keep them there as a reminder of the old (me) and to never slip into that again.

     Flipper,
     about the dancing you really don’t need to feel like the lone ranger there. I would have love to learn how to dance (especially ballroom dancing I find that so elegant) and it does belong to a proper education in Germany that the boys and the girls learn how to dance but my mom wouldn’t let me attend cause it cost money. So when I was asked to dance when out at some place I usually turned the request down cause I didn’t want to feel like a fool and unless it was a friend whom I knew and he knew that I wasn’t really good at dancing I wouldn’t dance. At the same time I don’t like that hopping around dancing. Even at my age I would still like to learn how to properly dance and glide elegantly over a dance floor doing a Waltz or even a Tango. But again the money is missing to take some classes.

     I have looked but not found a post on reinstalling sex into a relationship and it is really something I want to do. I was watching earlier with Dave an episode of Nanny where she is trying to entice her boss into having sex with her. I said that thought Nanny was manipulating and he said looking at me almost challenging “So?” Meanwhile I sat in the chair leaning back watching it with him hoping he would kinda get the invitation cause I made a point of uncrossing my legs but not knowing how to really go about it I felt uncomfortable and awkward and stopped and I don’t think he noticed it anyway, besides to be quite frank about it I am afraid of being rejected again at this point and it would undo the little bit of progress I’ve made in the past weeks become undone. After all that would be leaning forward to much.

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:09am

228. 228: Uschi says:

     I wanted to add to that (but had already hit the submit button) that right after watching Nanny he went right back to doing work on the computer and I went upstairs. Maybe there would have been a better way to maybe reconnect sexually after this but I wouldn’t know how without leaning forward by touching him or telling him that this is what I want and miss.

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 11:19am

229. 229: Rori Raye says:

     Mary, Welcome, and just keep doing what you’re doing – Circular Dating. What you want to do is work out all your “issues” with real men, in real time…so you learn to use my Tools in real situations. As you get to know YOURSELF better by doing this…you’ll see…men will start to show up! Love, Rori

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 1:32pm

230. 230: Rori Raye says:

     Flipper and Uschi – here’s my take on WOW and your letters. Everything in life must be prioritized. Work, play, love, meditation, exercise… Everything needs time and ease. If you are focused on getting a real live relationship going, then you’ll want to spend all your time in real life, Circular Dating. I’d classify WOW as play. Using it, however, to learn stuff sounds fantastic, so it does double-duty. (By the way, if any of you are good with Second Life and would like to help bring Rori Raye to it…let me know…). Please just know–online, email, phone, games of all kinds are not LIFE — and the more you let your head consume the time in your life, the less practice time you can give to being present in the world where you can physically TOUCH someone. Just keep it in mind. Men online behave differently than men do in real life. that’s where to focus your practice. Love, Rori

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 1:45pm

231. 231: Uschi says:

     Rori,
     you are absolutely right about the game and it being virtual and not quite real however it kind of helps me get comfortable to use your teaching to then be more comfortable to do it in real life. Kind of like rehearsal before actually performing on stage, and a stage it is out there in more ways than one.

     On a really really bright side at least in my mind – we have not gone anywhere nice for dinner for almost a a year and tonight he came up to my room and just said “Shrimp toast?” I had mentioned a few days ago that I could smell shrimp toast (Chinese restaurant close by) then yesterday I said I am hungry but really don’t feel like cooking, each time I said it and left. Also been spending some time downstairs with him watching youtube and leaning physically back all the time – boy that office chair can lean back almost to the point of tipping over and I am not even crossing my arms in front of me to be completely open. I have to really concentrate on that.
     Anyway when we got home after dinner I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for a nice dinner and he kind of halfway put his arm around me – not a hug but a start then I just let him go to his PC and I went upstairs to kind of digest the surprise and the meal LOL – Rori you said ‘be surprised’ – and you are right.

     Saturday, 26 September 2009 @ 8:11pm

232. 232: Uschi says:

     Rori,
     I just read your Post “Get more Love by doing less” this is exactly what I did. Give and do, give and do, give and do always trying to make sure he had everything he needed and the thank yous made me happy. Always asking after a meal how it was if it was enough and I realize now I was looking for validation and love. At the same time you validated my believe that keeping a house when the woman is not working is a job. Actually more than one job combined all in one Cook, Cleaner, Window washer, Gardener, Nanny, Laundry etc. etc. (though we don’t have kids I am speaking in general here but I am the nanny of our “other children” our dog and cat) and I loved reading that you consider that a job as I always have but was told that I was wrong in this thinking and was told that a woman has to do this on top of going to work. So I have done it all and resented actually hated it.
     Then as I got with Dave I started doing the whole thing again and with both of us being at home and him working downstairs I WAS always up to help him in some way. I put WAS in capital letters cause that is gonna change. With the exception of the 5000+ letter envelope stuffing and mailing in the first quarter of the year (which I did at first for free but now request payment for it) I will not offer or do anything that he can do for himself. How good it will feel now that when he irons his own shirt I wont have to feel guilty about it anymore for not being fast enough and having it ready for him for that dinner occasion or whatever, or when he does his own laundry which he has been doing for a while cause he doesn’t like the fabric softener that I insist in having on my laundry. Can anyone spell RELIEF. And yes I WAS mothering him too; – or is it smothering?
     Thanks for the ‘Rolaids’ Rori, a valuable ‘Rolaids’ from you and lets call it Roriaids. (hope some of us at least remember that advertisement on TV – kinda ages us was during the 70’s)
     I feel, a bit stupid for not knowing that, yet relieved, free, unburdened, not resentful anymore now that I know it was my fault and really it should not be called a fault cause most of us grow up learning that just that and it is what we do.

     Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 11:01am

233. 233: Maria says:

     lm just feeling good! been like that couple of days.
     
     will keep posted.

     Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 12:43pm

234. 234: T.R. says:

     Hi girls,

     I am feeling confused about how to handle certain situations. I have had a lot of success with leaning back. So far, it has worked well, both in terms of me feeling better about myself and in terms of the man I am dating stepping forward. However, today I felt a little disappointed. The man I am dating asked me last night to spend the night. It is only the 3rd or 4th time in the several months that we have been dating, I did and it was great to fall asleep with him. When I woke up, he asked me if I wanted to hang out later in the day, after I finished taking care of things at my place. When I returned to his place he spent the entire time on his computer playing a game. He asked what I wanted to do and I said “I don’t know”. I feel like since he asked me to hang out, he would think of something for “us” to do. Instead, I spent my time reading and he played his game. When he asked if I was mad I told him that I felt annoyed. I also explained that I understand in our small town there is not a lot to do.
     How is one to respond to being asked to hang out, then essentially being ignored? The best I could do is read my book, then leave, to do what felt good to me. I really don’t want this to happen again.
     He later told me that he felt bad, because he didn’t have money to take me out. In my eyes, we could have gone for coffee and chatted versus not interacting. That would have felt great.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 12:04am

235. 235: Flipper says:

     For me, folkdancing/folksinging has helped a lot in getting me out into the real world in a way I can interact up close, even physically, with real people. The scene I hang out with is not about the technical precision, fancy costumes, getting to professional proficiency or winning prizes of some more-organized groups. Just people who love old, traditional music and love perpetuating the old customs of the countryside through dance. Lotsa fun and great exercise.

     It’s friendly and inclusive, newbies are pulled in and encouraged to fumble along in real time among the old hands, learning as you go. I found the same atmosphere recently in NewEngland, where they do contradancing. And in general, like here, it’s almost free (those who can make contributions to help pay and encourage the musicians, etc.) It may not be as elegant as ball-room dancing, but it doesn’t have the same pressure or commitment requirements either.

     Inexpensive or free opportunities for this (or other kinds of dance you like) may be available at community centers or through local meetup.com groups. I know several married women who have started going to various classes on their own (tango, salsa, ballroom etc) and this has definitely made their husbands perk up (don’t get hung up about a few grumbles on their part, for the form). So this sort of thing can fit into Anyone’s Circular Dating program.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:26am

236. 236: Flipper says:

     I can relate, TR – I feel fine being on my own at home, and it’s weird, I’d feel Alone Going Out just to do something by myself at someone else’s place. Before Rori, I would have sidled up, made suggestions, sighed to myself. Now I’d just say, “I feel kinda ignored, and frankly, rather bored. See ya” and off I’d go.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:40am

237. 237: Flipper says:

     Maybe the “frankly” would feel too blaming?

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:43am

238. 238: LostinLove says:

     Dear Rori,

     I am hoping you will write an e-letter on the topic of vacations and separate trips in relationships. I struggled with this in the summer but didn’t write you, and now it is coming up again in a few weeks.

     I am going on a two-week overseas trip (family marriage) and I feel so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. I went on one during the summer, and I felt the same…I felt like I was wrong to leave him! And I am having the same feelings again. He is also going on a trip himself during that time (it just coincidentally happened at the same time) but I am still stressing, as I will be leaving many days before him.

     You had said in an e-letter once that you have dealt with this situation in past relationships. What do I do? I want to ask him to get together over the weekend so we can say goodbye. Should I? I am definitely a propent of leaning back, so at this point, he doesn’t even really know what day I’m leaving. But it’s coming up and I really don’t know what to do. I feel crazy having to worry about this, but it’s so rare for us to be apart this long, and I am stressing about what I should do. Help!

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 10:14am

239. 239: Rori Raye says:

     Welcome, LostinLove.–this situation has occurred many times in my life…once, a man a was living with took his new car across country and Canada for 2 weeks and I feel apart. That was the beginning of therapy and my inner work for me…so I’m grateful for that lesson. The relationship survived almost 4 more years. Much later, and still many years ago, I went with a girlfriend to Canada for 2 weeks and left my young, beautiful boyfriend behind. When I got back, things were different. He’d had time to think about the actual logistical impossibility of our relationship…and it ended two weeks later. We picked up again in 3 months (yes, he showed up) and it was a passionate, dramatic mess for almost a month before it ended. Now, my husband has traveled for business, to see family, and to do political work — and all that happens is I ENJOY my time alone, and he gets to do things without worrying about whether I want to do them, too — like hanging out with his favorite uncle, and he misses me…and everything’s great when he gets back. So –the separation isn’t the important thing. It’s your attitude and the quality of the relationship. Don’t be afraid. Whatever you find out…it’s good to know. Love, Rori

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 12:58pm

240. 240: Rori Raye says:

     Flipper – I LOVE folkdancing…I once had a boyfriend who was magnificent at this (he was in one of the famous ensembles — and he was my karate teacher to boot) – he used to take me to all the clubs around town, and the big-room events where hundreds of us danced in a circle together…in fact…when I made that fateful trip to Santa Barbara without the man who’s now my husband…the one that turned my attitude around and got me married — I headed for a folk dance place there (no longer existing…darn…) that treated me beautifully, made me feel good, allowed me to meet men…and to DANCE!!! Love, Rori

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 1:20pm

241. 241: Uschi says:

     Well, the weekend went surprisingly well. My mostly (sometimes I still forget) seems to be doing something. He is much more relaxed around me and the invite to dinner was really something I did not expect at all. I spent some time downstairs with him cause that is where he is spending most of his time. The upstairs is not quite yet for his comfort, though it is for mine with the exception of my room which is non of his business. So if the mountain doesn’t come to me I go to the mountain and I know that is leaning forward a bit, however when I am there I am leaning back as far as I can and I am open, physically and emotionally (not 100% sure about the emotional still working on that). He seems to have enjoyed me coming down and speding time with him during which he was explaining to me about a problem he is having with his navigation program that puts certain hexadecimal numbers that are randomly generated and unique to each wreck as a identifying number to a certain position. (being hexadecimal it is almost impossible for that number to repeat itself which he wants but also wants a formula for it ha ha my brain is not that math oriented I leave that his problem) and trying to figure out how to dump the info he gets (back-end) from that program into excel to work with it. In excel the problem is to take time hh/mm/ss/ and limit the counting to 60 when pulling it down. Well we bounced that problem back and forth and I was like his sounding board to whom he could speak out loud, not really expecting an answer. I gave very few and just basically leaned back and let him talk it out. Today I figured out in excel what he wanted to do but he doesn’t know that yet. I just did it to see if it was possible. Anyway, with reading this blog and looking at some other things I am learning to approach a problem from a different perspective and I put the question to him: “I feel that I was just kind of limited in thinking, cause I didn’t open my mind to some things or is it cause like pretty much everyone I fells back onto what they know, learned and are comfortable with, as I just did with this math problem? I feel kind of frustrated with myself now cause I couldn’t see some of the solutions before by myself” of course in the back of my mind was also all of this here also. So he said: “I don’t think you should be frustrated because when I show you how else something can be done or solved you take it and run with it and take it further” Hidden compliment?
     By doing some of the things Rori is saying, in however small ways for now, I am finding out things I would never have imagined. Like how he thinks.

     On the traveling and being apart for a period of time, I am in the same situation right now he is leaving for 2 and now possibly 3 weeks and though I do not like being apart from him I can work on Rori’s teachings this time, get some things done in the house and take time for myself 100%. I will miss him and all but as much as I want sex back, our relationship back on track and all that, I feel that since I have come across this blog and Rori’s book I will need some time to wrap my mind around it completely and will use that time to do just that. Also things seem to be going better and maybe he will miss me also in some way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – or so they say.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 3:53pm

242. 242: T.R. says:

     Flipper,

     I think that is a great response. If it happens again, I am going to say that, because I did feel ignored. He called last night and asked to make plans with me today. I left work early to hang out and then he said he wanted to do something tonight. I am feeling frustrated. I don’t want to complain all of the time to him. This is all new to me. Most men I have dated have been very active in taking me places and doing things. He would like to (I think), but he is not as well off financially as a lot of people I have dated. We could go do more if I were willing to pay (he has never asked me to), but I don’t feel that is my place. He pursued me. He has talked about trying to find a different job, but hasn’t. I feel like for the stage we are at in our relationship, it is not my place to pay for dates, so, we don’t go out much. I know that may sound snotty, but it is truely how I feel. If a man wants to date me, then it is his job to figure out how to make that happen, not mine. I don’t feel like going out for coffee (which I have suggested in the past) is a major effort.
     Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. But then again, going out for this small thing like coffee or for a walk does not seem like too much.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:07pm

243. 243: Flipper says:

     TR (and anyone else who doesn’t want to get stuck in the ‘hanging out’ trap) : could this be a good opportunity to express what we Don’t Want ? For example, if I want to share that I didn’t want to find myself in this situation again, I might say: “I feel weird being at someone else’s house just doing something on my own. A bit lonely, too, and I don’t really like feeling this way. What do you think?”

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:08pm

244. 244: Flipper says:

     TR – our posts crossed, but it may still fit. And in all cases, we wa

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:13pm

245. 245: Flipper says:

     Sorry that flubbed. ….. In all cases, we want what we want, we feel what we feel. No apologies in order. On the contrary, what’s really good (and not just ‘nice’) is knowing what we want, don’t want and are feeling and learning how to express those things simply and honestly. Bravo TR for not paying, not offering, not suggesting and allowing him to be the man. Maybe he’s not ready or not capable, but that’s his call.

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 5:25pm

246. 246: T.R. says:

     Thank you Flipper for your encouragement!

     Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 6:12pm

247. 247: Uschi says:

     In reading the other posts on other pages (yes still reading there is a lot and all good) does anyone have a copy of an email Rori apparently sent out called ‘Bring Him Close When You’re Angry’ or Rori could you please send this to me. I have not found it anywhere alse.
     Thank guys

     Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 5:29am

248. 248: Uschi says:

     Rori,
     this one if you can I really would like you to look at this and give me some advice on this.
     I have mostly gotten that leaning back now and talking in feelings to him and with that alone I feel I have made a little progress (as your post on the front page shows) Yet at the same time in my situation I still feel there are things I am holding back or stuffing down and I am not sure how to bring it up without leaning forward. Things I want to say or ask. Things that I know are basically his things, however his things gets in with my things and my things gets mixed with his. After all we are living together. Sometimes when I stop and ask myself for my feelings I come up with nothing, or as in the case over the weekend when we spent time together downstairs I just felt plain comfortable and relaxed being with him, yet wishing and feeling and wanting for more but leaning back and letting it be for now. There was no fighting, there was trying to find a solution to a problem together by talking about it and experimenting with software programs (Excel and Map-tech) In this case I don’t feel I was leaning forward in trying to find a solution to something that had nothing to do with us but with another entity and it was a combined effort. Yet by just doing that I felt a togetherness that we have not had in a long time. I felt it, I am not sure what he felt. I finally came up with a solution in Excel that really solved one of his problems (doing some searching on Google for the right formula and expanding it to make it work for what he needed) and though it still takes 2 programs and some editing to get it exactly as he needs it, it is now at a stage that he can use. For a while I wasn’t gonna gove it to him but in thinking and feeling it out I felt it had nothing to do with us but that in fact we were working together on something that had nothing to do with our relationship yet at the same time helped bring up feelings of togetherness. Now for them hexadecimal numbers to randomly create an id number for each wreck. Hmmmmm -grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. What I am trying to say here is that working together on a problem can also create a bond and help recreate what we once had. He at one of our arguments said that he wished I was more involved and passionate in what he is doing. Yet for the past two years or so he shut me out of just that for reasons that are unrelated to what he is doing but related to us or me – how is that for mixed messages? Yet I believe those reasons were a cover up, for something else, maybe his fear, being afraid of failure in a relationship again maybe even being afraid of feelings he had and may still have for me and rather running then confronting them and I believe he doesn’t even know that. So one one hand he wishes for me to be more passionate or interested about what he is doing and that means a lot to him, yet he is shutting me out saying it is too late for me to get into it and he feels I am not interested or passionate enough. He seems to have overlooked that I always ask how things were going and what the results of his scanning is and even offered help. This weekend was the first time in a long time that he included me again. Last year when for the first time in a while I was out on the boat with him and his like minded friends I felt like a 5th wheel. I saw the comradeship between them resulting from time they spend and experiences they had together. I literally felt it, and having to be quite honest with myself now, I reacted by withdrawing into my shell. I didn’t know then that I was doing it however, reading this blog and also your book, kind of made me look at myself, locking back and seeing how I reacted wrongly under many circumstances. Maybe if I had said then to the group as a whole that I feel a bit left out things would have changed.

     Now, I need to clarify something, cause I don’t want you to think as if I had taken up this interest because of him. I have always watched when I was younger and still in Germany Jaques Custoe (not sure if I spelled that right) documentaries as he went all over the world diving and searching. I just never thought I could get into it cause I couldn’t and still can’t swim or rather I can swim and I can breathe but I cant do both at the same time. That’s where a diving suit, a scuba tank and a mask comes in so handy for me cause with that I feel comfortable in water. Anyway, I watched those shows with fascination and kind of dreamed to go diving and finding this sunken treasure LOL. However that is not possible cause even if WE did find something like that and the likelihood of that are slim to non there are laws (special maritime and admiralty law and he was a lawyer for just that) that prevent us from bringing that stuff up and then it wouldn’t belong to us anyway. So don’t tell don’t touch meaning sport divers are prevented from getting to it and doing wreck raping and if he/we/they do find something it is mapped, measured, recorded and the data passed to ppl in authority, archeologist and the state historical board. This just to let you know that I always had an interest int this kind of stuff and also I am the type of person that will try anything at least once. I even went skydiving once a tandem dive and I now also say ‘why would anyone want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane’ knowing how to fly just never having been able to finish my pilots license. So the interest was always there I just never followed up on it till I met him and had a chance to do so.

     Up until I came across you Rori, I always felt very limited, closed in and never really part of anything and kind of standing on the sidelines. Now I get a sense of “not even the sky is the limit’ however, I am not sure what to do with all this limitlessness. I have, it seems made progress with him/us and him starting to step up to the plate however tenderly and carefully. When we first met that feeling of limitlessness was there too, and then I am not sure if he did it or if I did or if we did it together I started being on the sidelines again. I want to step off the sideline, stop cheering and I want to partake. 6 years ago we had a fight and even though there were things that led up to it it really started going wrong there and as little as two years ago he said he wished we could get back what we had, then about 2 or 3 month ago he said he didn’t have it anymore he didn’t think he could get it back and that he felt hopeless and he had given up hope. Now after implementing your tools and seeing the result of him being more open, relaxed and forthcoming in whatever small way for now, could that mean that maybe he is feeling some hope too and just kind of have that wait and see stand back attitude in order for him to kind of sort out his feelings too, maybe also being afraid of getting disappointed again. As you say men feel as much if not more so than women do. Could it be that something got triggered in him too, by me communicating in a different way and leaning back, as much as you Rori and this blog have triggered things for me?
     Quite honestly however, it has also brought about confusion for me, I feel even more insecure now at times, though my mind tells me that is to be expected when making changes within yourself, I am not always able to feel or get in tough with what I feel, and then my mind goes in overdrive trying to figure it out. I feel as if I am only touching the surface and not able to reach deep down to get at those feelings yet and I am not sure if I am afraid of reaching down or as yet still unable to do so.

     My questions to you Rori are; am I just touching my surface and if so how can I get deeper? Have I triggered something in him by communicating differently and leaning back and if so what can I say to him in a feelings way to reassure him if he is afraid of getting hurt like he has been hurt before and as I have apparently done too?

     Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 8:33am

249. 249: Rori Raye says:

     Uschi, keep it simple for yourself. You change things, you get different results, you feel surprised, out of your comfort zone, you feel triggered, he acts differently, he’s triggerred, your triggered, you get closer, you get scared and pull away, then you come close again. A dance of connection and emotions. Instead of trying to figure out what each dance move and jerk an glide is, what it means, and whether or not it’s good…just let the whole thing move along until something CONCRETE happens. That could be a serious action that would strengthen commitment, words coming out of his mouth…something really, really official and different. Then see how THAT FEELS. Try to stay out of analyzing and story building and story telling and story deconstructing…that’s where the problems are in the first place. Love, Rori

     Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 11:58am

250. 250: Uschi says:

     Rori.
     simple, aaaaaahhh I like simple, I like easy, I like not to worry, I like easing into new things, like testing the water with the tips of my toes first before jumping in. This feels good, this feels right. I think I just need to learn how to relax and let things happen.
     Thanks Rori – you are a pearl, or a diamond, a ruby, and emerald, a saphire – well take your pick which ever you prefer.

     Tuesday, 29 September 2009 @ 4:16pm

251. 251: Uschi says:

     Daria,
     reading the blog I happend to come across this you had written. What is EFT and how could I get one of those sessions? If you want you can email me directly MystiqueULH@aol.com
     hope to hear from you soon

     Daria says:
     Thanks Ann and Maria. I asked for free EFT help on another forum and a lady just did a free EFT session with me for about an hour on this, where I cried my eyes out and gave myself a big blister on my karate chop point. I feel better.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 5:50am

252. 252: Daria says:

     Uschi… I can help you with it, but I feel scared saying that as I am just starting out working with other people.

     I have worked with Erika with EFT. She’s really good and is certified and has had many clients. She posts often here, there are many posts on the main posts from her.

     You can contact her at erika.awakening@gmail.com

     Also you can google “EFT practitioners” and find many.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 3:13pm

253. 253: Maria says:

     l checked one of Erika´s presentation where she also ment EFT, and l was amazed, how clearly she defined the importance of it. l belive, that with EF, we can achieve everything – happiness and abundance, and it comes to every part of your life, as well as realitionship and dating.
     Having smell of it, l admit, that ld really like to learn more about it, cos l need it. l have realized that the emotional growth, that we can experience is like also an aha-moment, which reflects and gives better results.

     oh, what l boring story….what lm sayin is that Erika, ur totally amazing.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 3:37pm

254. 254: tinque says:

     I have to jump in here. EFT apparently works well for some, but please keep in mind that there is no such thing as a panacea. In other words there is NO cure all no matter what someone tells you.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 5:00pm

255. 255: Daria says:

     I feel triggered and want to also jump in and say that I disagree with Tinque.

     I believe we can have whatever we want.

     So if I want to believe in a cure all or a wonderful relationship I believe I can have it.

     I feel open to sirens choosing their own beliefs about this.

     I don’t feel comfortable with general staments that if I believe them would limit my possibilities. That feels hopeless and sad to me.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:01pm

256. 256: tinque says:

     Daria – It seems to me that my words are not being read as written, or maybe I have not been clear. I said that EFT CAN work for some as it seems to work for you, but it may not work for everyone. I hate to see people, women here become all starry eyed thinking all the answers to their problems can be solved with one quick fix. Even EFT can’t make that promise.
     We all find what works the best for each one of us, yet whatever that is, it does not happen overnight.
     You Daria can have whatever you want. Just as I can and anyone else on this entire planet IF we go out there and grab it. I have not said otherwise.
     You Daria are a dynamic and driven woman. You take life by the horns, and that is fabulous.
     xxoo

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:25pm

257. 257: Daria says:

     Tinque… to me the starry eyed feeling is something that feels good. Yes I believe my problems can be solved. It’s taht starry eyed feeling that got me to Rori, to committing to myself, to lifting up out of the gray cloud that I saw as my future and the desperate and desolate struggle I felt in my present.

     I love that feeling. And yes I do believe I can overnight solve problems with EFT. I do believe in magic. I believe in complete healing, like I am made of water, with no scars and no pain needed and flow flow flow pure fluid beautiful.

     Thank you for the compliment. It feels good to read it. You are beautiful as well, and feel safe and compassionate.

     I felt Furious reading the initial comment because it felt like a limiting belief imposed on me and I felt like rebelling. and I feel open to this coming up again and am ok with that because it will feel good for us to express ourselves.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 6:56pm

258. 258: Rori Raye says:

     Daria, and all, re EFT…I have seen lives change overnight like magic. With many different modalities. With Somatic Experiencing, with Quantum Tracking (which I love and do with clients), with EFT, with BioK, with EmoTrance, with the Abraham vibration scale, with hypnosis…NLP, Theta DNA Healing, Voice Repatterning, my husband is going to an amazing autistic savant who has his own body-centered technique, and I can see the effects and can’t wait to try him out. Everyone’s keys are different. Everyone gets unlocked and locked differently. I used to do EFT with my workshop groups at the beginning of each group, and have the entire training program on DVD in my office. I also love NET, Matrix Energetics, Sedona Method, and shamanism…I believe. I believe in my own hybrid techniques and Tools. What you are drawn to will work best for you, no need for anyone to judge anything. What works, works. Love, Rori

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 7:05pm

259. 259: Uschi says:

     Well, he is off for his 3 week boat trip that may get cut short cause the weather just isn’t cooperating. But on the bright side – something he hasn’t done in a very very long time – kissed me good buy and even waved his coffee cup at me from the van in a good buy waving gesture – wonder how much of it he spilled LOL – as he was making final preparations putting stuff in the van I used my car to lean way back on (I gotta always remember to relax my shoulders having a hard time with that) and then when he got in the van I stood next to it but had to lean forward to hear what he was saying to me and he kind of looked at my lips though he was the one talking and didn’t have to read mine LOL so I kinda looked up and we kissed – just a light kiss noting elaborate but what an improvement from several month ago where he just took off without even saying good buy.
     So now I have 3 weeks to myself (maybe less) and gonna put them to good use.

     Wednesday, 30 September 2009 @ 11:28pm

260. 260: Mercedes says:

     Tinque: I am with you on this one. We all carry so much with us for so many different reasons. Something like EFT can certainly help some people, but I don’t see it as magic or overnight. If it worked that way, people would only have to do it one time. Because we have so much, even those who use EFT are using it a lot…not just once. They’ll apply it to a VERY specific feeling or experience and, if it works for them, they feel better about that particular feeling or experience…but there is always something new to tap on. It won’t magically take it all away…and…in my opinion (and it seems yours as well)…nothing will. We work on ourselves constantly and without magical cures. I love this about life. It keeps us constantly working, learning, healing and growing. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:21am

261. 261: tinque says:

     I miss so much while asleep in my new time zone.
     Daria – Okay. I understand why starry eyed would feel good. It does feel good. I feel concern though for those that set themselves for great disappointment by putting out expectations that for THEM don’t feel fulfilled for THEM.
     The way you describe starry eyed is for me like having hope and desire, yet I see in you that you also throw in a large dose of determination. You NEVER give up. This is a wonderful quality. This is how you get for you what you want, anything you want, and if these other tools help you get there all the better. But it’s you and your strength that are in play here.
     There are many that look outside themselves to be healed and don’t put in the work that healing requires.
     They don’t apply what they find to the inside where the magic really lies. This is not you.
     I have to respectfully disagree with Rori that there are instant cures. You may very well FEEL much better after a session of whatever it is that works for you, and there are many choices of modalities. I do agree and have already said that they all work, some better than others depending on the individual.
     Yet with every case I have seen with my own eyes and experienced with my own body, you still need to keep at it. I don’t want to diminish the good that EFT can do, and I’m using it here as an example. You still need to go back and tap on the issue at hand a few times, many times, and even then the issue may still linger.
     You still to shush the nasty voices every now and then. You still need to sensually meditate to maintain.
     Please hear me when I say that good can be received from all kinds of things and through many avenues, EFT included. I don’t want the uninitiated to think that one meditation will solve all their problems or one EFT session or any of the others Rori listed above.
     That’s all.
     xxoo
     I just read Miss M’s entry. She said it better maybe, more concisely.

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:51am

262. 262: Mercedes says:

     LOL Tinque: I was thinking when reading your post how much better you said it than I did!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 8:24am

263. 263: tinque says:

     I guess we must be each others mutual admiration group LOL.

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 8:40am

264. 264: Amanda says:

     Hi Rori,

     I have a feeling that the answer to my question may have something to do with being completely authentic, real, and just “being”, but I’m still curious to get your take nonetheless.

     Why is it, when I’m all dressed up, smooth from head to toe, feeling and looking all sexy, warm, open and incredibly soft and feminine … that’s the time my man doesn’t even so much as lift a finger to TRY to put the moves on me physically?

     Yet, when I’m all undone, my hair’s a mess, and I haven’t shaved for a while … that’s when he’s all over me. I don’t understand. It can get rather frustrating at times, especially when I get all dolled up for a special occasion and get virtually no physical affection (this time it was our 3 year anniversary).

     I mostly get all smooth and dolled up for myself, as it makes me feel good and feminine … but it would also be nice to get some appreciation/acknowledgment from him as well.

     Is there a way to find middle ground on this? I’ve been leaning back a lot lately, it seems to be working so far.

     Would love some insight.

     Thanks!

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 9:51am

265. 265: Rori Raye says:

     Amanda – here’s my instantaneous take: all dolled up…he experiences you as untouchable…perhaps even that you’re “trying too hard.” All just relaxed…it’s just you, authentic. So – yes –I think you’ve “got it” in your first sentence…Love, Rori

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 10:29am

266. 266: Uschi says:

     AFross an email from a german group on yahoo that every now and then gets together in the DC area and there was mentioning of a black tie affair at the German embassy here for the ending of October fest that is currently going on in Munich. An email came back saying:
     In a message dated 10/1/2009 1:06:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, david@maritime.org writes:
     Will be offline most of the time from 1800 on Wed 30 Sep until the sea gods spit me out in mid October. In emergency try cell 301-222-4712 or hail “RVR” on marine VHF ch 16 near Lewes DE.

     That phone number is the number of the other woman that he messed around with. Though I am not too worried about that at the moment cause things did change here at home a bit to the positive since I been doing the leaning back and all and also cause she has been involved with all that archeological stuff for quite a few years now.
     I am not sure how to answer his email though and was thinking of writing:
     Know you wont be back in time – just wanted to let you know this is going on – in a way I wish we could go yet seems like I am getting away from a lot of things lately and they are just not that important anymore – there are other things I’d rather be doing
     and with that last thing I am saying I am hoping he gets the hint that I’d rather be in the boat with him though I am not saying that in the hope that he will figure that out for himself.
     I’d like to have some input on that before I am sending that email off cause I don’t wanna be leaning forward though I feel the last part is leaning back letting him figure it out – I am unsure about this – could I get some help on that please – would you word it differently – cause not only am I leaning back in our relationship but there are other things I am kind of shaking off too things from the past and all

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 10:48am

267. 267: Uschi says:

     I forgot to mention that this is the wrong number cause the prefix is a MD number but the real number is a DE number and not sure if this was an automatic answer email or if that is an on purpose “typo” cause the email went to me. Subject line does say Re: Gone, Bye and that was not what was in the subject line I sent him so it is not a direct response.
     I FEEL that this woman has not much grab on him anymore especially since things seem to have improved here at home – yet at the same time I am worried and angry too that it even went as far as that, that he felt he needed to look elsewhere to get what he needs and I was unable to give that to him. I am gonna try not to worry about her and instead work on me here while I am alone and can completely concentrate on me leaning to use those tools more effectively without having other things distracting me.
     Meanwhile I have come across a book “The seven Principals of making marriage work” by John M Gottman, Ph.D. Some of the things that he describes at the begining of the book are rather interesting especially on how he can predict divorce within talking or observing a couple in the first 5 min. Most of the things that he describes as negative aspects that would cause eventual divorce if changes are not made) we do not have in our relationship. Also I have found myself while reading the examples thinking to myself that I would say that NOW after reading and learning Rori’s tools and not what she said in the example. So I feel that I am at a stage now where I really watch myself trying not to fall into old habits.
     Anyway, girls if you have any advise in wording my email response to him please let me know – I am very greatful for all this here as it is.
     Uschi

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 11:16am

268. 268: Matina says:

     Hi ! I have a question: After ending a very long relationship, that made me a nervous wreck, 4 years ago,(a lot of back and forth, and we kind of faded away) I am still fiding myself attached to him, even though I dont see him! I have only met just one man I liked ever since, with whom I dated twice, and he suddently stopped everything! Just when I found myself being able to say I was finally free of the past! and I was not, probably because this last attempt didnt work! Silly as I may sound, I find myself admitting I would go back to the love of my life, if he would eventhough he treated me bad!I feel stupid about all this, Either I am crazy, or my ability to love someone who would respond again is gone!Many guys seem attracted to , but all seem neutral to me! I have just started to work with your Modern Siren Programme. Any suggestions?
     Thank you
     Matina

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 3:35pm

269. 269: Flipper says:

     Uschi, in my experience, I’m rarely understood through subtle, indirect communication or hints, and it never gets me what I want. Men seem to feel it as manipulation. (Blatant, over-the-top manipulation actually seems to get much better results, for those who use it – go figure). As for what you wrote, it feels to me as if you are giving up your own stuff to either make yourself available and adaptable for others’ (him?) or that you’re becoming jaded and don’t care anymore about anything. None of that feels too attractive – what do you think?

     About the message with the weird phone number – instead of wondering and guessing, what about sending it back as is and expressing some genuine curiosity, simply, without suggesting a meaning or that it’s an error or anything at all. ‘I feel confused about this message’ ?

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 5:28pm

270. 270: Rori Raye says:

     Welcome, Matina, and so sorry you’re feeling so stuck. Modern Siren will help you tremendously…and then, when you can, get Targeting Mr. Right. In the meantime, learn all you can here about Circular Dating, and just start doing it. It will help you so much. Love, Rori

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 7:35pm

271. 271: Uschi says:

     Flipper,
     no I am not becoming jaded, it is just that some of the old things that I grew up with and some of the things I have been taught are just not applicable anymore or actually never were, its just something I knew and always fell back on and I am realizing now that it doesn’t work and really never has. That’s how Rori’s book and this blog is opening my eyes. Going to something German just would bring that closer again and make it easier for me to fall back into old habits and till I am sure I am not gonna do that anymore I am going to bypass that. So yes I am giving up some stuff for the time being to make room for better but for me not for anyone else. And the old stuff will get somehow either readjusted or will just be a memory. There is a unity of understanding with ppl from the same country and many times we talk about how we do things in our country and the way we think etc. Especially ppl from my generation who grew up with a certain way of thinking and doing, that may have never been part of this country. I really don’t want to see from any German woman how a woman is to be sub-servant to a man or husband to keep him happy and that’s how I was raised. Going to an event like this would bring all this up again and too close for my comfort after I just started getting away from that and it’s showing some results. That does not mean I am giving up being German it just means I am giving up what doesn’t work. Not sure anyway if it is just a German trait I am sure it can be found anywhere, however for me it just seems so German LOL.

     Thursday, 1 October 2009 @ 9:26pm

272. 272: Flipper says:

     Uschi, I sorta felt that about what you said and find it very insightful and useful – for You. I feel admiration and appreciation that you’re sharing all that with us here. But I just don’t feel alluding to all that, which is completely your stuff (and may interest him down the line at some point if in context), would make any sense to some guy out on a boat for a few weeks. That’s where email and texting feel like such a trap to me – I think I can get things out calmly and clearly after much editing, but when I re-read myself a few days later, even I can’t sort out the meaning of what I’m trying to say. There’s no voice tone, no eye contact or touching to communicate my mood or guage his. No context despite putting in what seemed like necessary explanations – just piles of words that seem to obliterate rather than clarify. The phone is only one step better than this, and still feels inadequate and off-putting to expressing my feelings and doing that scary part of seeing/feeling how he takes it.

     For me, a real Exchange is not likely, at least not a helpful one. The written words and their immediate effect get set in stone, however far they are from intentions or even the actual subject the writer means to convey. Many of us women tend to try communicating indirectly in the hopes of ‘allowing the other to figure it out for himself’, or ‘making it easy’ to take things in the direction they want without having to ‘hurt our feelings’ by being put on the spot. But in reality, this feels more like a stratagem to avoid revealing our true feelings and feeling vulnerable. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are the usual result anyway, so all these precautions are false protection.

     Also, ‘explanations’ being such a turn-off, I feel it’s much more satisfying to respond in the moment, and for that we have to be in the moment, not writing about it (or a whole series of moments that may make a single scenario only in our own minds) later. The actual content of these explanations/’stories’ -see the other thread about the universe – doesn’t matter much. I feel it’s that Connection in the Moment that counts, and sometimes we just have to keep as happily busy with our stuff as we can, until those moments can physically happen.

     I wish you success in using this you-time to advance yourself towards what you want.

     Friday, 2 October 2009 @ 5:48am

273. 273: Amanda says:

     Hi Rori,

     Thanks for getting back to me so quick the other day, I really appreciate it. I feel good that it seems I’m starting to pick up on your tools!

     My question for you today is a bit different. You see, I’m a Facebook user, and my login has always been set to my college email address. Always. It has never changed. My computer is also set to save my logins (just the username, not the password).

     However, yesterday I came home from work to find that my hotmail email address was saved in the login. I could be wrong, but my first gut reaction was that maybe my boyfriend had tried logging into my account. You see, a hacker would have been smart enough to get into my account using the default student email. But my boyfriend doesn’t know my student email, the only email of mine that he knows by heart is the hotmail one. That’s what has me wondering.

     I texted him at work, saying I thought someone tried to or did log into my account. He asked me how I knew, I explained that its always set to my student email, yet my hotmail address was randomly there.

     He then responded with “weird, change the password?”, I replied that I had changed every password on every account. He then said “maybe it was just a computer error or default.”

     I got busy and didn’t reply to that text, next thing I know he’s texting me asking if I’m okay, and then he was super affectionate when he got home.

     I don’t know what to think. I told him today that I’m feeling very paranoid to use my computer now, it’s just a really unsettling feeling. Not that I have anything to hide, but it’s personal. I’m feeling very violated. Regardless if it was him or a hacker. When I said I felt paranoid, he simply said “I’m sure your computer’s okay.”

     Any thoughts? It just… my gut rarely steers me wrong. I hope I am, but I thought I’d get your thoughts on how to navigate this situation.

     I don’t really want to flat out accuse him of anything, because I could very well be wrong, but I want to talk about it in a way that would make him feel safe if he needed to admit he was up to something.

     Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

     Saturday, 3 October 2009 @ 12:48pm

274. 274: Rori Raye says:

     Amanda…tell him the truth. Say how awkward this is for you…and you just need to be honest and open with him and know he is with you and that you can figrue anything out. If he says it wasn’t him — you have to BELIEVE HIM. Rori

     Saturday, 3 October 2009 @ 4:39pm

275. 275: Matina says:

     Dear Rori
     Thank you for answering so fast! I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward waving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed ar more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moent it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jelous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.
     Thank you
     Matina

     Sunday, 4 October 2009 @ 3:21am

276. 276: Trixie says:

     I have an 11 year old daughter, was married 10 years and have been divorced for 2 years plus one year being seperated. I was living with my boyfriend for a year, moved into our own apartment because things didn’t work out that well. We’ve been back together for about a year and I’ve been living with my daughter in our own place for 1 year and a half. I have healed from the pain of divorce and the pain of having another relationship fail right after. My problem now is, I am moving back in with my boyfriend, my daughter is 100% for it, my family has accepted it and us being back together finally, but………I am ready for marriage, I’m not looking to be a live in, why buy the cow type of girl. My boyfriend and I have had many many discussions and he says he wants marriage as well. During the first 6 months of our breakup I did date and he knows this. He said he still has hurt from the fact that I went and dated, even though we weren’t together. Biggest problem was, I dated a man that was a “friend” of mine for 9 years that I expressed to my boyfriend was no more than a friend. It turned out that my “friend” did want more from me than friendship. I had ended this friendship and cut all ties and communications as of July, the first week of July. I am now in the process of moving back in with my boyfriend who is “unsure” now if he wants marriage because of “hurt”. I have cut the lease with my apartment and have no other options as to living arrangements because of lack of rentals in my area and trying to keep my daughter in her school (she’s in 6th grade and VERY attached to her friends). I’m stuck having to move back in with a man that feels hurt and is unsure of what he wants which in turn makes me feel like I will be spending the next year, 2 or 3 with him waffling and indecisive. I am ready for marriage, I do not want to be a live in girlfriend with all the benefits of a wife with no committment. I have expressed this calmly and rationally to my boyfriend, he knows how I feel. It’s unfair and making me feel confused, hurt and heartbroken. Had I know he felt this way, I would not have broken my lease and would have stayed in my own apartment. Now I’m stuck with my poor daughter caught right in the middle. I’m going crazy in my own head, I know I’m pushing him and pressuring him and this is a huge part of the problem. But I’ve already spent 2 1/2 years waiting for this man who goes from I’m buying you a ring to I’m not sure in a week. Please help!! I appreciate any advice and thank you.

     Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 11:42am

277. 277: Rori Raye says:

     Trixie, Welcome, and I know I’m disappointing you by saying this, but I think you know it already – you’re going about this all wrong. First – his “hurt” over your dating when you were broken up is pure bullshit. Don’t even give it a thought. Just say…it feels good to be wanted…it feels good to feel your possessiveness. And smile. You know you should have never cancelled your lease without a wedding date…but you have. If it were me, I’d go move to another apartment with my daughter, in the same neighborhood – no lease, just month to month, and tell your boyfriend that without a ring and wedding date and future plans, you feel just like you’re dating, and so you won’t be being exclusive with him either. Smile. Just say you’re looking to be married and secure, and if he’s not ready, that’s totally okay, and you get it, and he’s entitled, but it doesn’t work for you to commit so much to a man and not feel that commitment coming from the man. then follow through and Circular Date. That you need to take care of yourself and your daughter first, and you know that moving in with him under uncertain circustanes is going to make you crazy and make you want to push the relationshi and you don’t want to do that. You’re doing it already. Don’t do it anymore. We’ll give you help here, Love, Rori

     Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 12:50pm

278. 278: Trixie says:

     Thanks Rori. I just want you to know that I do own your Toxic Men, I’m toxic as well. I also have E-Book and several other CD’s. I have been trying to use eveything for over a year. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just get so pissed off I fall back into old patterns. And I am not disappointed by your reply at all, I was holding off for the wedding date/ring whole 9 yards. The sale of my apartment building has led to me having to leave, I can’t afford the new rent it’s way too expensive for a single mom. My only other option was to move to a different school district and my daughter would be devasted. I’ve already moved her from one school to this town. He did step up and offer me a place to live. I agree that it’s bullshit, and I’m allowed to date whoever/whenever. I’m really in a bad spot. I truly have no where else to go to live. There are NO apartments in my price range which is under $1000 per month. I have exhausted every resource and called in every favor to find a new place to go. I’m trying, but I’m so screwed right now. I use feeling messages 24/7 and he responds back with “and I feel (fill in the blank)”. He keeps telling me that his feelings don’t seem to matter to me. Just what I want. I’m leaning back, I talk 100% less, listen more, everything you teach. I do falter a lot, but I am getting better. Thank you for your response, it means everything to me.

     Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 1:15pm

279. 279: Maria says:

     hm, l remember one case, when a man l dated left me because he was “HURT” cos to me it seemed like l didnt love him enough. l was his love of life as he described.

     right.

     Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 5:48am

280. 280: Trixie says:

     What I am so confused and hurt by is the fact that I feel like I am not trusted. I feel like I am on trial. I have done everything that I truly needed to do for myself to get my own head and heart straight and now it feels as though I’m right back to where I started one year and a half ago. I’m shaking, my thoughts are jumbled, work performance failing, in my head constantly, heart pounding. I feel very afraid to communicate this to my boyfriend. I am completely between a rock and hard place. All he has to do is say “you’re not moving back here” and I will truly be homeless. This is not an exaggeration. I have to be out of my apartment by the 31st of October, there is no going back to the landlord and saying, “oh, false alarm, I’m now staying.” The rent is increasing and I can’t afford what I’m paying now. My daughter is in her first month of the new school year and my only option will be to rip her out of school and transfer her to a new one. I know I need to tell my boyfriend how I feel because it’s showing in my actions and written all over my body. He’s not stupid, I can tell he knows he did the wrong thing by saying what he said about, “I need to be sure you won’t go running back to your friend” which has been visibly proven to him over the past 4 months just by my actions and without me having to say a word!! I feel so hurt and disappointed, and I truly feel like I’m being jerked around. I can see in his face he KNOWS and feels guilty!! Plus, last night as I was unloading more of my things into his house, he sat at the table and read the paper! I’m really in for it. I have to find a way to make this work in my head, for myself and my daughter, not the realtionship itself but how do I live in this house just for the next 8 months when my daughter is out of school and I will finally have an option (my family owns a house OUT of this town that will be un-rented by then) to leave and move the hell on with my damn life. I remember Rori’s story regarding her husband moving into her apartment before they were married. She treated him as a “roommate”. Is this a way I can at least get through this without losing my mind??

     Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 7:12am

281. 281: Amy says:

     Rori,
     Thank you for all the information you share. It has certainly given me a new perspective on so many areas of relationships.

     I am one that overfunctions.

     I am sure you have addressed this in the past, but I’m having trouble finding a post. I read your comments under the “marriage” heading and they helped some.

     What specific advice would you have for ladies that are married with children? The husband gets the benefit of being cared for as the children are cared for — i.e. laundry, meals, dishes, grocery runs. I have stepped back on the things I would consider non-essential, such as buying him cards/cupcakes/cookies/other things just because. I go ahead with my activities and he follows me through the house to tell me about his day rather than me dropping everything and hanging on every word for hours of him telling me about his day. I am not at his disposal for chores or errands. Small things I have changed…

     Yet even with these baby steps, he still randomly pulls away (typically about once every month or two). Worse, he pushes me away. I’ve been journal-ing our relationship (who does what and the current state) and it seems these times of distance are directly related to his stress outside of the home. But his first reaction to the stress is to push the kids and me away. He also withdraws affection (sometimes all affection). If I give him complete space (and I do mean complete), he will come back around within a week or so. But these episodes are really hard on me. I need steady, consistent, and stable. I have told him how it feels to me, so he tries to do better to tell me why it is happening (I used to think it was me). However, it still happens. Do you have any suggestions?

     Thank you sincerely!

     Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 8:33am

282. 282: melinda says:

     Dear Rori,
     I have seeing/sleeping w/ a man for over 3 years. I am now 9 months pregnant by him. He uses the word friend often when I shut down and dont contact him and he contacts me. He will say he misses my friendship which I understand as he misses our sex. He can’t leave me alone for any longer than a month but yet all I get is to be his “friend”. I have explained that I will not be his friend because I love him too much and that I love me enough to walk away and pursue other available options that will love me back and that will also accept his child since he doesnt want the baby. he has tried any way possible to get me to give the baby up for adoption because he is in no financial posistion to raise another child. He has 2 girls from a previous marraige. I am not in much better posistion because I have 3 children but have chosen to love this child aqnd raise it to the best of my ability. I do love him but I am in complete annd utter shock that anyone can treat another human as hre has me. So I chose to end the “friendship” have our baby and walk away to pursue happiness. I love me more!!!!!

     Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 11:41am

283. 283: Temtem says:

     HI rori.
     I’ve recently been reading your posts and eletters and realised something very important. I’m doing a lot of the stuff that you have mentioned especially beating myself up and ovefunctioning.
     1) i buy him a lot of stuff, even though its just litle things like a teddy bear when i go out or i see something and think of him so i buy it.

     2) I’m sooo jealous. My current boyriend is a musician and as can be expected there are a lot of girls who like him. but none of them worry me as much as this one particular girl. and it make me feel stupid and insecure because all she does is leave comments on his facebook, saying how she misses him. THAT’S IT! I have no reason to think he’s cheating but the whole situation with this girl just upsets me.

     3) he’s pulling away pretty quickly now. he used to call me every day, tell me how much he loved me and missed me and wanted to be with me, marry me and all that.
     Now he hardly calls me at all, he’s always too busy and I see him once a week at my initiation. everything we do is at my initiation. we don’t even go out anymore. If i want to see him again I have to ask when he’s free, wheras before he would ask me. I guess that bit is my fault because I took charge when he was doing just fine.

     I just want to know how to get his interest back because I know he does love me but something is making him pull back.

     I need help.
     xxxxx

     Tuesday, 6 October 2009 @ 4:42pm

284. 284: Sylvie says:

     Hello All,

     I am new to this blog although I have been reading the emails for a long time. I also have the e-book and Heart Connection Toolkit.

     I like Roris quite revolutionary tools. But I am in despair that they will work for me. I try to Lean Back now (just as an experiment with the men that I meet at work) but I think It might come across as a lack of interest. I don’t know how to have an open heart without Leaning Forward and being caring etc.

     I feel old, unattractive, undesirable and unable to get over an obsession with my ex. He cheated on me and did not love me. He is now in a relationship with a married woman. I would like to be like her! She has so much power and he jumps when she calls to say that she is available to meet him. She comes before everything for him – including his kids and even money. And I think she is never ‘needy’ because she can spread her needs across 2 men…. But really, I don’t think I could juggle 2 men!

     I just want to be free of thinking about him, her, whether their relationship will survive or not. I want to be free to focus on my life and feel some hope for the future. I feel like I will never have another relationship and if I do, I will make the same mistakes again – doing too much, being a ‘good woman’, mothering him, putting my needs last…. I would love to feel like a Goddess but I don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore.

     I get lost and overwhelmed on this blog and with all the tools. I don’t know where to start. But I would like to because it seems like such a supportive, caring community.

     Thanks xxxxx

     Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 8:35am

285. 285: Matina says:

     Hi Sylvie! I think you are great for knowing yourself, eventhough you are not happy about some aspects! I think you must be a very nice person, and he is a fool for letting you go! I have been there as well, and I am also stuck, with someone who treated me bad, and I still think of him, but it is getting better. You have faith in yourself, and be the best you can for you!
     Love
     Matina

     Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 1:18pm

286. 286: Matina says:

     Dear Rori:
     I have a new question, as I am now starting to use as many tools as I can: Do I get to do them only when I am out, (the breathing, wave, ocean stuff etch) or I need to practice at home as well? I feel a little akward moving my hand like wave in public!!! At the moment I am trying to do as many as I can when I am out as well.Is it sth to do when you want to be noticed or more like a habit? May be a silly question but it is all very new to me! At the moment it is been 4 days practicing. There could be a subbtle change in men noticing me (though that was happening in the past as well)but yesterday I was out with a gilfriend and nothing seemed to work. In fact a guy talked to my friend! I wasnt jealous or aything, I am just mentioning it in case I am doing sth wrong.