Have The Relationship You Want

157 Comments to “When Your Boyfriend Wants Space – Focus on YOU”

1. 1: Daria says:

   Rori… hi… your font is really small!! hehehe…

   Tuesday, 14 October 2008 @ 11:32am

2. 2: Daria says:

   Thank you for the insight “this is also the best way to heal everyone around you…” I am finding that you are right on!

   Tuesday, 14 October 2008 @ 11:34am

3. 3: alias girl says:

   rori you are so right on with all of this. it’s taken me just a short time of practicing your tools on ALL the men i meet and are around me but the SHIFT has been amazingly huge and positive. i feel so much softer while at the same time i am so much more powerful and also at peace and mostly just kind of soft and easy. it Feels so good to be in my body now. i have such a higher appreciation of myself. cicular dating is definitely the way to go. i barely even think about the last guy who i Really like but had to let go of. if he is interested in what i am interesting in building with someone in regards to relationship i would give it another go (while continuing to circular date until i have the concrete signs of commitment i am looking for. ) but if not then that is ok too. plenty of good men to choose from. just keeps getting better and better. and i feel really great right now. the heaviness from yesterday has lifted. some of these feelings i feel have been trapped in body for decades and are now only releasing. but my energy level is soo much more now. i still feel a lot of trapped fear (terror) but that will release when and as it wants to. i am here loving myself no matter what. xoxoxo!!!

   Tuesday, 14 October 2008 @ 3:30pm

4. 4: tina says:

   Hi Rori,
   So happy you are here. Still no call or contact. I feel wierd about this. Spent weekend at beach, looking up to sky doing the zoom out. Feeling good and bad. Did yoga on sand giggles started.
   I feel like I am just hanging like that rock wall tool you wrote about.
   Gathering a feeling Power Speech, short and concise, just do not know what to say! I feel that when I hold off speaking when something is bothering just don’t have the courage and I am bnot being bare with myself. Sometimes I blank out and allow self to go along,. Will not do that anymore. I feel like calling and just dropping ball in his court. Any feelings on this?
   That lovely time of month is approaching so am having dark yucky thoughts about self. When I look in mirroe, see how pretty and fresh I look go out see men look and appproach, always love myself more when I look at self. The inside feeling the bad ones do not match witrh what the world sees outside. Feeling good and fortunate about that.
   I feel like expressing just that Feeling uncertain and do not like not communicating regardless of what happenms next. Another part of me just does not want to bother, just feel I would feel more powerful talking/expressing self with feeling messages.
   Help girls especvially Rori, so wonderful to feel the bare honesty. Have been approached by two older not attractive to me men because of no chemistry, both pursued droping hints of their wealth etc. Am feeling financial pressures now also maybe putting out a vibe? Not interested anyway.
   Hugs to all
   Feeling a bit lonely, intuition pulling to just pick up phone, feeeling he will take lead etc. once we speak.

   Tuesday, 14 October 2008 @ 7:09pm

5. 5: Bethany says:

   Alias Girl, you’re doing what I want to do! I am in awe of getting to that place where you can let go and feel like you have other options and so you can relax! Good job! And you inspire me to keep it up, too!

   Tuesday, 14 October 2008 @ 8:17pm

6. 6: Daria says:

   alias girl i am with you…

   tina… maybe you can start trying to teeny bit by teeny bit love the sad way you feel? hugs! I just went out to see the guy who I was arguing over who comes to whom… i feel semi-ok but kind of off balance… i believe it would feel much better without pushing forward… its also part of practicing what you are accustoming yourself to… i was becoming more and more comfortable with not stepping forward and remarkably men were… so maybe although you might feel relieved momentarily by dropping the ball with him… its actualy us not passing the ball, not having closure that is waht we have to learn to love…(because tolerating is not good enough)… just remember don’t beat yourself up no matter what you choose or happens… that way you will really learn what is meant to be learned…

   =)

   oh and that guy i hung up on called me back LOL
   and guy i drove to said you didnt really want to come see me … i said yes i didnt want to drive… id feel better if you came to see Me… he said I’m just going to have to come see u then huh…
   lol… i dono if he’s gonna manage it but I want to stay out of his business… i do feel really weird (and turned on) around him right now… he used to be a good friend and easy to talk to…

   wheeee I feel weird and scared and happy excited “crushy” feelings… and tahts ok! because part of why im excited is because of ME… hehehe… I really need to practice my “I only feel comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship” talk!

   PS – oh that guy that was very attractive that I sent the “I am SO mad at you” message called…heheheh!

   UM SO RORI’s STUFF WORKS!!!

   Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 1:52am

7. 7: Maria says:

   Rori I forgot to mention that my boyfriend has this same habit always, however then out of the blues he calls says he wants to see me, and of course never has come to pick me up, I always have to drive to his house, sometimes even drive him around for his errands. My question is when he calls me what do I say as far as a speech is concerned? Do I give him my speech on the phone or in person? Need some clarity here…by the way, my self esteem has climbed from a level 3 to a 7 and still climbing. Your tools are working for sure. Have a date to go to this weekend and can’t wait…you are absolutely right that when we send out good vibes into the universe everything around us comes and greets us with it…love ya! by for now will keep you posted!

   Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 5:28am

8. 8: tina says:

   Thanks Daria,
   I have been feeling good and more confident have mset up social events to go to etc.
   I guess because I am feeling more magnetic and stronger and determined to have what I want (marriage and a home) I feel more authentic to be more open something that was always hard for me to be and just let it hang, He has always picked me up, made plans, pays for everything went on trips etc.
   But Rori hits it right on about commitement for now and forever, looks the same except in certain spots, where because all else is good we overlook. Like he will say just as soon as late August he is committed etc . Our for now has lasted longer than some marriages we know.
   Just know I feel worthhy of more,
   Maria you are right abnout universe reflecting back, I have been having yucky thought when I am alone, great open feelings when I am out in public, who knows? Thanks to all you girls! I feel so FEMALE!!

   Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 7:21am

9. 9: tina says:

   Girls,
   I am feeling so good and free thanks to all of you, and he just called. I said I feel a little bit shaky talking to him, he wants to know if we are still on for our trip, was planned for nowvember.
   I said how can we possible go so far away when we can;t even have a weekend together. Said he hadn’t forgotten me just hadn’t called he also said I hadn;t called him,
   Left it to speak again later today, I am at work etc.
   Open to hear your feelings, of power speeches etc.
   Thanks girls!

   Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 9:36am

10. 10: Rori Raye says:

    Oh, thank you all for helping each other! Tina, Daria is so right about loving even the icky stuff – and I can see you DID that and that it worked!

    Maria – this man is calling you when it’s convenient for him. By your driving to him and driving him on errands you are SERVING him.

    I want you to Stop that right now.

    I know that’s easy to say, and I know it’s going to be a mighty transition for you to move from being a woman who “serves” a man because deep down that’s all you feel you deserve – to a believing you’re a woman who has OPTIONS.

    I want you to be a woman who’s “full of herself” and believes she deserves EVERYTHING WONDERFUL – which is the TRUTH! You are all wonderful, and you deserve wonderful, devoted love. Get ready for it! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 10:32am

11. 11: Rori Raye says:

    Bethany, you’re doing amazing work, too.. just keep going…

    Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 10:39am

12. 12: tina says:

    Thjanks Rori,
    All of a sudden I feel so warm and gooey inside. Your stuff so works. I will not be exclusive with any man ever again, until he proposes with a ring and a wedding date. Stepping back in the last 3 weeks, three different men have asked me out, gone out of their way to come up to me and start conv ersation and asking for my number and date. All during the day just walking on lunch hour etc. Not feeling sure what happens next but will continue to put my soft feminine self out there and do the choosing etc. So glad I DID NOT CALL FIRST, please remember that. RorI’s letters and tapes kept me from that.
    Maria do not ever pick up a man, always wait in passenger side for him to open car door, stop in front of door for whatever man is next to you to open, just slow down he will. I have always had this stuff knocked, just not the inside self esteem stuff, except when it comes to making love , those standards so old fashioned, Men so respond to this. And if they don’t you have lost nothing.
    Funny how we all have different strenghts, Thanks to Rori, Things atre changing fast for all of us.
    Promise no more long posts like this!

    Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 11:10am

13. 13: Daria says:

    oh tina please keep up the long posts! I don’t want to be the only one! LOL

    Wednesday, 15 October 2008 @ 11:16am

14. 14: Hurting says:

    Hi Rori. My problem is that I’m too sick to do the circular dating. I met someone online and fell in love. He seemed to really love me as well and then lost interest after 3 months but we’ve been talking almost every day for the past year. It just turned from a romance where he said he when he looked at a pic of me that he is looking into the eyes of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with to acting as if we were just being friends. But everytime I question and ask him about how I feel things changed between us he denies it. He won’t admit that he doesn’t have feelings for me and sends mixed signals. I think he wants to keep me as a backup but as soon as he meets someone he’ll dump me but he probably wont even tell me. He’ll just grow distant. He is afraid to hurt me in my fragile state but he is hurting me now by not being upfront.

    We have never been able to see each other due to my sickness but I’ve been hoping to get better enough. He would spend hours researching online for answers to my problem and send me several emails per day now Im lucky if he returns my email the same day. He has been depressed because he is lonely and wants to meet other people (and he means women, I’m sure of it). However he will not admit to this. I ask him if he wants to just be friends? But he says no. I’m so depressed
    because nobody wants to date a sick woman but I feel I deserve to have love in my life. I am stuck at home with no car and my family does not show love and doesn’t understand my illness. Yes I admit I’m needy but its hard to have self esteem when you feel men will reject you.

    So I found out his ex wants him to drive several hours to drop off her belongings. They have not talked in years. He told me this will be a chance for him to get out of the house. He has not been able to go out because he suffers from social anxiety as do I in addition to my physical illness. He complains that he wants to go out when he knows I’m beridden and alone with no love and support at home. What could I say? I said he should go but I know he could tell on my voice I was depressed. Now mind you this woman looks like Halle Barry according to him and I’m nowhere near that good looking.

    I don’t even know what my question is, Rori. I guess I’m so broken hearted that he lost interest and unfortunately not too many men would be interested in a woman in my situation but I have been alone too long and I wish I could meet other people. I can’t go out and be busy so how do I forget about him? I can’t imagine my life without him

    Sunday, 19 October 2008 @ 6:46pm

15. 15: Rori Raye says:

    Dear Hurting – I wanted to thank you for visiting my blog and commenting.I’m so sorry for your pain and wish I could help you. Can you tell me your illness? Has anyone been able to help you at all? I wonder if there are online support groups where other women with your same illness can be a community for each other. Perhaps even local to you? I imagine you’ve already thought of all this, and yet felt I needed to ask in case I or any of the other wonderful women in this community could suggest anything.

    I can only imagine how difficult it is to keep up correspondence with someone when you can’t see them. And you certainly do deserve love and romance and all of it. I have no advice for this particular man, only that you not give up on love.

    Please consider continuing to make friends online, there are so many forums and chat groups and dating sites that are just about making friends, and so many for romance. I would imagine there are actually many home-bound people who would love to know you, and also many men who are not home-bound who would be interested in coming to see you.

    And most of all, I wish for your health to return to you – for you to find an answer to your illness and get well. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 1:01am

16. 16: Hurting says:

    Thank you Rori for your support and kindness. I’m sorry I posted on this thread I meant to do it on the one where we ask you questions. It’s heart to deal with a broken heart and illness. I think I may have lyme or chronic fatigue. I have met others in support groups but it’s difficult to find a man interested in me. I’m so hung up on this guy.
    I can’t imaigne my life without him. I was doing better before I met him but now he came into my life and allowed me to open my heart. He has invited me to visit him many times in the past but I was scared for him to see me in this condition. But now he lost interest and it’s sort of too late. Maybe if we met before his ex called we would’ve have a chance….I feel like he is only using me for company right now because he has nobody else where when we first met he was falling so hard for me. Is there anything I can do to change this?

    Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 11:52am

17. 17: Maria says:

    Dear Hurting…I am also so sorry for your pain…I know what it feels like…It’s that soup that we feel: anger, pain, rejection, loneliness…but remember (only conforting you because I’ve been conforted) you can make it out of this…I’ve been doing Rori’s programs, e-book, Heart Tool Kit, just recently order The Siren (can’t wait to get it)…and let me tell you how my life has changed for the better…I too thought I would die without my boyfriend, but you know what this program is actually working so much so, that my coworkers even have noticed it and everywhere I go it’s like I’m in a total different level in my life where my confidence, love, self esteem have actually climbed through through the roof and still climbing…give it a shot, we all deserve to love ourselves first…I know it sounds self-fish but just do it, please you too will be thanking Rori…GET READY FOR THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
    My love to you and you all!
    Maria

    Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 12:13pm

18. 18: Hurting says:

    Dear Maria,
    Thank you for the words of encouragement. I know Rori Tools are the best out there. I’m so glad to see how its helped you and so many people. My problem is that I’m unable to work and do not have a car so I can’t go out and meet other people to practice the tools. If I were working I could afford buying her wonderful programs as well. I’m greatful for Rori and your love and support and the chance to express my feelings.
    Love to you and Rori and everyone.

    Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 4:00pm

19. 19: Rori Raye says:

    Hurting – Do this NOW!!! I believe you are in self-imposed exile, and I want you to do this NOW!!!

    There are experts on Lyme disease all over – I want you to get tested by someone who KNOWS. If you’re negative, then…

    I want you to find some kind of alternative practitioner – Chinese medical, acupuncturist, naturopath who has a TRACK RECORD with chronic illness. Search on your computer, use the phone, get pro-active about your health.

    This can be FIXED!! It’s not always easy – and you will have to be RIGOUROUS.

    I know a lot about chronic illness, many friends and family members, clients also – I can’t tell you what to do from here, but I can steer you on the internet to people who can inspire you, support you, and help you…you must search your community for someone.

    If it’s Lyme, it will take awhile, but people in Connecticut have been dealing with this now for years and years – get tested by someone who KNOWS about this.

    If it’s something no one can DIAGNOSE (that’s the problem with chronic illness) – the way to go about it is with changes in your diet – STOP SUGAR – and supplements (anti-fungal, anti-microbial, immune system support…) .

    You can start at your local health food store – If you have a Whole Foods anywhere near you, you can talk to someone in the Supplements department, and then find a way to get what you need delivered to you.

    There’s a way out of this. You have to start now. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 11:55am

20. 20: Caroline says:

    Hurting, do you have girlfriends? Plan gatherings at your home. I have a small group of girlfriends. We get together at least once a month. We have dinner parties, luncheons, sleepovers, or a day of beauty. We also have scrapbooking parties, etc. Anything that puts on focus on other things besides our man. We support each other to keep the focus off of him.

    Saturday, 25 October 2008 @ 8:23am

21. 21: Trisha says:

    i just HAD to write and share the remarkable fact that Rori Raye KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT! i have been in one crazy relationship for the past 4 years. Didn’t know till 2 years in that he has a compulsive gambling problem. i would always question his not having enough money half the time and he would actually have the Nerve to ask me for gas money when he lost his in the slot machines. Another time he was really hoping i was going to fall for his lie about a company’s money envelope with $400 in it “falling out of his car” and thinking i was going to help him replace it with my credit card. Unbelievable.(he later got fired from that job) i never gave him a cent…EVER! Did this make him pull quilt trips on me? He tried. Anyway, With Rori’s excellent advice i have, over this last year of reading and listening to her program, been able to turn this whole relationship in another direction. He has asked me to marry him twice and i declined (don’t trust him) so he decided he would just be my “friend”. i have been so trapped bec of all the ‘nice things’ he has done for me. i have applied the River and the Pond princpal as well as the leaning back and no over functioning, i stopped calling him, going to him, crying to him, begging him to go to GA meetings, and being in his business. i joined a writing class, the gym, a line dancing class, teaching myself to play quitar, join singing contests (won 2nd prize the other day) and the best thing ever?…today i started circular dating and again applied Rori’s techniques. This guy was blown away by my strength of character and the things i practiced. This is just the beginnning! Being feminine is the BEST and i only use my masculine to take care of myself (as i live alone with no family here. ) i am SO done with this loser and his going nowhere attitudes. To think i spent weeks crying over him bec i loved him so much. i was addicted to him and all the trappings of him not having to change his own life by all the concern he was showing towards mine. Do i still love him? YES! but… I come first now. Rori IS an angel being used to help us misinformed women. Thank you Rori.

    Sunday, 26 October 2008 @ 4:22pm

22. 22: Rori Raye says:

    Trisha, Thank you so much for this beautiful and beautifully written comment. May I put it in an eletter so many more women can hear your voice and follow how you’ve used the Tools? Love, Rori

    Monday, 27 October 2008 @ 1:58pm

23. 23: Trisha says:

    Absolutely YES Rori. i would still be sitting around crying over this guy if it weren’t for you! Addiction doesn’t just come in the form of alcohol and drugs. Love back at ya, Trisha

    Monday, 27 October 2008 @ 6:34pm

24. 24: Maria says:

    Hi Rori…just wanted to give you a heads-up! I am feeling so wonderful and in AWE…guys are coming to me like flies on honey…however have to ask you when my boyfriend finally decides to call me in which I know he will….What should I say? I know about the feeling words, now should I express it over the phone or in person is better? PS…listening to Siren program now, second time around…love it…actually all your work has been a blessing…tell you what I believe; was praying for wisdom and then got to cross your path…makes me feel so lovely…thanks Rori you are truly amazing, too….

    Tuesday, 28 October 2008 @ 7:52am

25. 25: Cassandra says:

    Rori,
    Thank you so much for your input on my situation. I have a few questions though. You said that my fiance’ is toxic when you answered one of my posts – the one where we get to ask you stuff, I think. I feel like I am torn it two pieces. Part of me simply cannot go on like this anymore…I just can’t take it anymore…like tonight. He is so dismissive as though i do not exist – he had a bad day so I get to pay the price for it I guess. We are spending less and less time together even though we are in the same house – of course he is gone Mon thru Fri on the road so we only see each other on the weekends anyway and most of those I spend alone…totally alone. I don’t even know anyone here.

    I want so much to spend time together like we used to even if we were not doing anything….we were still together ejoying our time but I am trying so hard not to ask to spend time with him. I miss that so much. he says that when i move out it is only temporary until GOD can work in both of us and our relationship and then when the time is right we will get married and I get to come back to our home. Just as I was writing that it hit me how sick that truly is. I feel nauseas. The awful part of it though is that I do still love him and want things to be right – for us to be together like we were before I got here and right after I got here. I don’t feel strong enough to leave and if I do….where exactly do I go? I can’t stop crying right now and it hurts so much.

    He called me just minutes ago before I decided to write you about this to ‘tuck me in over the phone’ as we do every single night when he is on the road which was wonderful but it ended so badly that I thought that he had hung up on me but it turns out that he had not. What did I do to make things turn to this? I hate myself for wanting it to be ok with him and for caring what he thinks right now. I want to spend time with him this weekend and when I asked him what we had planned he got irritated that I could not just let the weekend unfold by itself. It is so hard for me to do that as I am so scared that I will be left behind….again and I have nothing to fill my time with and no one to do stuff with. I can’t even think right now about getting all dolled up and going out even just to go shopping. I feel like dirt. I want out but I want it to work. I don’t know how to get out of this awful downward spiral.

    I have tried so hard to lean back and these past few days & HE has been calling me more throughout each day than he has in months which I love. I feel good when he calls me…I feel like I matter to him….but maybe it is guilt? All I know is that I have been trying so hard to lean back and he is stepping forward on some things. You had told me to beware of this with him….isn’t that a good thing? I was kind of confused on that. perhaps it shouldbe obvoius to me? maybe it is and I can’t admit that yet? I can’t tell if I am coming or going anymore I am so doggone confused…..sorry this is so long…again. Thanks Rori for helping me and all of us as you do. You are wonderful.

    With love and another hug…
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 28 October 2008 @ 7:12pm

26. 26: Susan says:

    I have been with my partner for 2 years. We do not live together. Our relationship has been on and off and it has all been dependent on him and his feelings. Since reading Rori’s emails I have started leaning back, letting him come to me and accepting him. I am finding it very hard not to call him when he doesn’t contact me. I have noticed a pattern to our relationship which makes me realise he is a toxic man. He will ‘persue’ me by phone, we meet, have coffee, lunch or dinner. Then when we have sex he ignores me. He will start ‘persuing’ me after a couple of weeks have gone by until we have sex again. I didn’t realise that this pattern was there until I stopped calling him. Now, I do not like myself for still wanting him when he does call and for giving in. I have made a decision not to have sex with him again but should I tell him this or not. I will miss being with him, talking with him and sharing time with him if I stopped seeing him all together. I have said ‘feeling’ things to him and he apologises and says he doesn’t want to make me feel like that. He then makes an effort which I accept and receive but then he goes back to not calling after a few days. I am so confused with all this and want not to be.

    Wednesday, 29 October 2008 @ 4:26am

27. 27: Bebe says:

    Hi Susan,
    I also have a similiar relationship, though for much longer than yours. We were constantly more on first couple of years with gaps in between sometimes of a few weeks. I just took that as part of his masculine personality etc. He always made it clear he was not seeing anyone else, just being busy with his stuff/hobbies.
    Sex was not what connected us because I held him off for many manhy months while being exclusive to be sure he was falling for me. I have only been . I have never had any dfifficulty dating many wonderful men and saying no to sex, they understood and still tried.
    To me opening up your body and heart is very special.etc.
    Anyway, still now after long long time together still gaps. I feel ready to walk, he says’where else will I ever find anyone more perfect than my girl’ ‘I.m not going anywhere, just get to caught up in things’/enjoys doing outdoor hobbies etc.
    Rori, is it possible that a man can get caught up in an Imaginery Relationship himself. He says wants only me etc. that he not going anywhere/ not interested in anyone else.just enjoys his time alone.
    I could do this if we lived together or got married. I feel he does not want that. And has said so, but still wants to be together always , then says maybe in future, And like you wrote nothing can make a man want something if he is so adamant against
    it. Know he doesn’t want to lose me has said so.
    I do feel braver, being gut level expressive with him about what I want. Chemistry, fun, flirting. all works, we are good people just stuck on this.
    I feel I want to tell him I will be open to offers from other men, but want him to decide/lead our future.

    Friday, 31 October 2008 @ 6:09am

28. 28: Rori Raye says:

    Bebe – Welcome to this community, and thank you for your wonderful comment. I love your last sentence – you’re doing beautifully…Love, Rori

    Friday, 31 October 2008 @ 12:49pm

29. 29: Caroline says:

    Susan mine said some of the same exact things but then I’d find him channel surfing dating sites looking for other women, calling, texting, making “meet” dates and going on them. I believe they are manipulation tactics to keep us around and into them while they continue the search for someone else better suited to them and what they’re really looking for. I think he’s toxic and does it all on purpose. I told him that I cannot trust him or his feelings any more and that until he knows what it is he really wants then he is a free man. Free to leave my life. It was a hard thing to do but I truly felt he was not mine.

    Friday, 31 October 2008 @ 9:28pm

30. 30: Hurting says:

    I just wanted to thank you Rori for your advice about trying to find help for Lyme. I am sort of in a bind because I cant work and my insurance doesnt deal with Lyme LIterate Doctors. I have met a couple of women with Lyme but my social anxiety got in the way of them liking me and wanting to befriend me. They have money and access to all sort of equipment but did not want have anything to do with me. I’ve been rejected by not only men, my family and society most of my life. I have been bullied for 10 years of my life in school from age 6 and have no social skills. So it’s been rough but I appreciate being accepted here and it means a lot. I will keep praying and fighting and hope things will change around for me and someone with compassion will help me overcome my illness.

    Caroline to answer your question I have a couple of friends but my social anxiety prevents me from socializing because I behave strangely with body language and make people feel uncomfortable and I’m constantly being rejected by other people because of my strange body language and behavior. Even my own family rejects me. Also socializing puts a lot of stress on my body which makes me feel ill. So I’m sort of in a bind. But thanks for the suggestion.

    Saturday, 1 November 2008 @ 7:44am

31. 31: Rori Raye says:

    Hurting – I’m sure there are many, many websites with information that can help you put together some kind of Lyme protocol for yourself, and then ask the doctors who ARE covered by your insurance to treat you in the way you’ve figured out. In other words – take charge of your health. This is basically the ONLY way to cure any kind of chronic illness – if you can’t find or afford that ONE doctor who has a successful track record with your illness – you have to BE that expert who can then direct everyone else.

    Here’s a sample website – see what you can get from it – perhaps investing in one of these books would be helpful in making YOU Lyme Literate. Just copy and paste this, and google others…

    http://www.lymebook.com/top10book?gclid=CIb1q9eI1ZYCFRIcawod92qt3A

    As for the social issues – you might be able to find a support group that would be welcoming…let’s see if there are any other ideas out there…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 1 November 2008 @ 3:55pm

32. 32: Heidi says:

    Rori: I am 46 and have been with a man for 2 years. He recently decided he wanted to to have some space and have a relationship with “no expectations” as to when we would see each other. So, of course I made all the mistakes that you have talked about and I finally ordered your Have the Relationship You Want. It has helped, but I have so many questions as if I’m doing everything correctly. We only see each other 1 a week and usually for dinner or lunch. We rarely talk on the phone, other than to make plans for our next “date”. This Friday we met for lunch, He drove 30 min to meet me by my work, even though he has limited lunch time and mine is more flexible. So, I guess that is good. Also, In the past I would initiate a hug to greet him, but I wanted to see if he would initiate it on his own. When he walked in I was already seated, he found my table and was in a very good mood, it was a little awkward when he walked toward the table he turned to walk toward me as if he was going to give me a hug, but when I did not stand up to give him a hug he quickly sat down and asked me how I was. Was I supposed to just sit there or should I have seen he was attempting to come my way and have extended a hug to him. I just don’t want to pushed him away if he was trying. For the first time I did not initiate the conversation, which is very hard for me, because I am very talkative. I tried to let him start each topic and responded as best as I could with feeling statements – Did not use feeling statements throughout our conversation, but it was a start. It was awkward. There were breaks in the conversation, that usually are not there because I would never let it happen. But he did pick up the conversation and actually asked how I was doing, what my plans were for the weekend, how my kids were. He even surprised me with birthday presents for my kids. He gave me a hug good bye and I just felt very empty. I did not have any idea how the lunch went. It was different then any of our other conversations and I am just not sure how he felt about it. Please let me know if I did ok, and what I could have done different.

    Thanks,

    Heidi

    Saturday, 8 November 2008 @ 5:50pm

33. 33: Rori Raye says:

    Heidi, This is going to hurt, but I want to be honest. This man is behaving like a “friend.” That is all. Please start dating other men right NOW – learn as much as you can about my Circular Dating from this blog and Commitment Blueprint, and in February you’ll have a whole new program about it.

    For now, just date. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 8 November 2008 @ 7:41pm

34. 34: Linda says:

    I’m beginning to think every aspect of the last 6 months of our relationship was imaginary. I am dating, talking to men online, anyone who responds, but it’s makng me vey depressed. I have put so much energy into him that I am tied to him through all this pondering and strategizing. Time to take him out of my wish board, actually I have a Feng Shui relationship corner, same premise. it’s upposed to be used to keep him connected to me. But I think it just keeps me connected to him which is becoming unhealthy.

    Saturday, 8 November 2008 @ 9:46pm

35. 35: Heidi says:

    Rory,

    Thanks for your comment. I have been dating here and there, so I do understand the importance of dating and getting out there and living my own life. Probably need to do more of it. But based on my previous email, you don’t think doing the things you suggest in your tools, leaning back, letting him row, receiving his giving and melting etc will help in my situation.

    Thanks, Heidi

    Sunday, 9 November 2008 @ 6:48am

36. 36: Trisha says:

    Here is my latest update: because i used so many of Rori’s tools, the man i broke up with is doing everything he can to stay in my life! When you actually keep practicing these workable tools the results will be worth your every effort! The last time i saw him i had a prepared “power speech” which left him speechLESS. i rem to use feeling messages, kept saying “I…” and stopped myself from telling him all the things he was doing wrong. (in the past when i did this, all it did was create more anger and him feeling bad for the things he was doing which caused more anger towards me for pointing them out!)
    He had pawned an expensive pocket watch i bought him for his birthday last year. This hurt so bad i was furious! Well, since me being true to my new convictions, he came by this morning and out it came from his pocket! The picture of us was still in it too!
    For all of you who are the talkative ones when you’re with your man, like i was….less talking like Rori suggests…WORKS! i rem when i first starting using “one sentence at a time” and saying”what do you think?” he didn’t know what to do. It was so much fun feeling him experience this “new” me.
    Let me sum it up bec i could go on and on with examples of how Rori’s tools WORK…
    my man is getting professional help (without any comments from me), had his hours changed so he can be with me in church, looks me in the eyes more, connects with me through smiles (no words), touches ME first, leaves me “i love you” messages on my answering machine, RESPECTS me for my “power speeches”, senses i have been connecting with other men and is realizing he wants me for his wife and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
    i’m giving you HOPE ladies. i have loved this man for going on 5 years and until i saw all the things i was doing wrong, and through prayer discovered Rori Raye, things would still be going in the wrong direction. i would still be controlled by my insecure emotions instead of “feeling them”.
    When I started changing ME and not giving up on the program…this man is now rowing the boat, being the River, leaning into me, and seeing me for the Queen i really am.
    Glory to God and Lots of Love and Blessings to you Rori!

    Sunday, 9 November 2008 @ 11:12am

37. 37: Dayna says:

    Hi Rory; I am trying to break free from disfunctional, unworthy men. I have been seperated for 10 years and dated several men with only 2 serious relationships. Both break ups left me in devistated. I truly believe that I met my perfect match last year. We dated for about a year. I loved him. But he had serious stuff going in his life and was sometimes preoccuppied with that. I was patient with him. He was kind, funny, romantic, very good lover,and we could talk for hours about our feelings. He treated me good, and I felt 100% myself while I was with him….He said he was lucky to have found me and that he often felt I was a “female version of him” Except that I was about 5th on his list. My family loved him and so did my daughter. When I was with him, I was the happiest person..when I didn’t hear from him, I had anxiety and felt frusterated. I have a wonderful support group that says to just let him be…and except him with no expectations on him. I struggled with that one. I felt disconnected to him for a few weeks, so I ended it in June. 3 weeks later he called to see if he could take me away and start over. I said no, and I wanted to talk about things. He was going to call me back, but never did. So I wrote him an email. The end of July, I heard from him. We told each other that we missed each other, he asked me if I wanted to come over. I said, I wanted to get together for lunch to talk. We planned a date, then he cancelled the night before because of his lawyers appointment.
    My friend told me she saw him on a dating website….so I called him on it. We haven’t talked since.(5 months) Last week, I emailed him because I have some belongings in his garage. I said I felt weird about things and the way things ended, but I needed to get my stuff(including my snowtires) He emailed me back. He said it was nice to hear from you and hoped I was doing well and that he thinks about me. I have strong feelings for him still, and I am afraid that I will see him and want him back, or if i see him and he has a girlfriend it will crush me. My question; Do I go and pick up my stuff and pretend i am over him? Or see him and tell him how I feel? Or just move on?

    Sunday, 9 November 2008 @ 11:36am

38. 38: Linda says:

    Hi Rori,

    I have your seven steps to committment and am trying them; I often do not do well with “not contacting him”. In fact, even though he’s asked for space; he still calls me everyday and if I don’t pick up his message is always “Hi Linda, please call back if you get the opportunity”. I feel somewhat obligated to do this; and of course I want to as well; but when I do he doesn’t have much to say or the conversation does not lead to him making any plans to get together. He calls me a pusher and always trying to steer the relationship and has asked “let me make the first move”…but I get impatient and anxious and so then I actaully will show up where he is to force engagement. Please Rori, what do I do when he calls and nothing really happens? I miss him so much and the good times we use to have– which seem so long ago. We’ve been doing this cycle for over 1 year..he’s even said I should date other people. You think I’d get the message– and if you knew how successful and strategic I was in business you think I would? (that part even stymies me!) I also caught him kissing another girl while I had excused myself to go to sleep in his bed (he was having a football gathering with friends) and when I woke up and went out into the livingroom there they were…on the couch. I was so devastated; and she was my friend to boot. They both claimed they had too much to drink; that nothing was there. And he has said Linda, I just feel so pressured by you. Rori.. I need you to kick my fanny… my friends/sister have but I am so lonely and when I am with him we do have a great time. I am trying to date other men; but even though I am considered very attractive none ever approach me; I don’t go out much either though. Word of advice please? Thanks, Linda

    Monday, 10 November 2008 @ 4:53am

39. 39: Linda says:

    From one Linda to Another: I totally feel for you, I am sure we all have had a taste of thei sort of situation. catching a man kissing, etc. another woman is a deal breaker for me. End of story. I have been in that situation before, turned a blind, very blind eye, and all I ended up with was a very long and torturous imaginary relationship. This is our lives, not Springer. He is trying to blame you for his immaturity, even his choice / her choice of your friend (?!) was a cruel test. I know how it feels to just not want to be wrong about a guy. This is a boundary issue, and I’m talking to myself here, too. If we have no boundaries, no borders, there no clear sense of where we belong. I can tell by your letter that you know you deserve better. We are so lucky to have Rori and each other to kick our fannies.

    Monday, 10 November 2008 @ 6:50pm

40. 40: Mocha says:

    Rori,

    My name is Mocha and I am currently reading your ebook. I receive your newsletters and they are good tools to work with. I am awaiting the CD’s to arrive. I wish I had these things available to me 8 months ago. Here’s my situation:

    I began dating a wonderful man and things were great for a year and a half before things starting getting shaky- in fact he made space in his room for me to leave my things (He’s currently 39 and lives with his Mom; I’m 37 and live with my parents). At some point I started to snoop and found that he had fathered a child but wasn’t sure it was his but he was taking care of the child financially and does spend time with the child. This sent me to therapy because when we met the question about children came up and he stated that he did not have any children. When I found out I was furious. I told him that his deception was not acceptable – he feels that he didn’t lie; he just didn’t talk about the child. During this time, I brought up our relationship going to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend – he told me that he wasn’t ready for that. When I asked him how he describe our relationship he said that we were cool – mind you I was staying over several times a week at his house, connected with his family and friends. I told him that at this point a year and a half later I was not interested in being boyfriend/girlfriend because we were operating as such already but without the title of girlfriend. After this we began house hunting. Prior to this we were arguing a lot about the child and his lying about it and I also noticed that he had started to spend more time with his female friends which included the cousin that introduced us. A few times I saw him and this particular female who I used to work with in compromising positions. I spoke to him about what I saw and trusted that he would deal with it. A second time occurred. One night, I was going to stay with him and he was out and I called him just to see what time he was coming home – he ignored my call. I stopped by the bar and he was talking to this same female that I mentioned earlier but not in a compromising way. I spoke to him briefly and was furious so to avoid a scene – I left. I called him on his cell again and he did not answer. When he finally responded, he texts me saying he was finishing his drink. I met him at the house and things got out of control – a BIG fight took place.

    He called me and told me that after having time to think he did not want to have a romantic relationship with me but felt that we could be friends. I told him that I was not interested in that and obviously I was not the one for him. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he wanted to reconnect and get back what we had but did not want to put his eggs in one basket. At first I resisted but then said let’s try. For the first 4-5 months I tried to spend time with him and we did, we talked on the phone, went out occasionally but nothing seemed to really move. During this time, we only had sex once. After that I told him that for us to have sex again we have to be in a committed relationship. One day at lunch, we were talking about what state we were in. He told me that he was hopeful that we would get back together. He also told me that he was getting acquainted with someone. I told him that maybe he should see where that goes. He got furious and told me that I was throwing it up in his face. I couldn’t understand how we could get back what we had if he is seeing other people when at the beginning he told me he wasn’t necessarily trying to test he waters. During this time I was calling and leaving voice messages about how I understand his need to take the lead and be in control and I would give him the space to set the dynamics of our relationship.

    Recently, we went out had a great time and we did talk about this”uncertain” period we are in. I asked why not just end things if my personality is overbearing. He stated that people mature during that time and stated that during this period we don’t do certain thing like birthday gifts, talking as often or spending lots of time together. He called the same night and I even received a text for him about a CD he asked my opinion on. We even shared a passionate kiss at the end of the night.

    I understand that his referring to me being a bit overbearing is more of me overfunctioning as you stated – I set up most of the activities that we did – it was subtle – I would suggest something, ask his opinion, he would asked me to do the research and I would present my findings, if he decided to go though with it then it happened, if not we didn’t go. Like with the house hunting that was his idea – I allowed him to progress at his own pace. I realize that at certain times during our courtship, I never let him lead – I would push for him to make a decision or I would step in and set things up myself but with his approval.

    At this point, I don’t know what to do to turn this thing around. I have been falling back with contacting him as often and setting things up. Except for a few weeks ago, when I called to see if he wanted to get together and watch the football game at a bar. We keep in touch at least once a month and I realize that it’s like a gauging thing – and I told him I recognize that for what it is. I realize that dating other people during this period is a good thing but I think I’m afraid that he may find someone else that he wants to see where things can go. One conversation we had was what he did for his birthday – he told me he went to dinner and a cigar bar. I said that is the same thing I planned for your birthday last year. I asked if it was a date or a group of friends. He replied that he went with some woman. I also asked if he was dating someone on a regular he said no. It seems that he is still very much interested I feel because why would he respond like that. The fight happened in November 2007. It is now October 2008. I also recognize that I was displaying masculine energy and when I was being the feminine energy I did not express how I was feeling but was giving warnings and advice. At this point, I have stopped calling and initiating dates. He sends a funny email here an there but that’s the extent of our communication right now.
    How do I proceed during this uncertain time?

    Tuesday, 11 November 2008 @ 8:49am

41. 41: Mocha says:

    My name is Mocha and I am currently reading your ebook. I receive your newsletters and they are good tools to work with. I am awaiting the CD’s to arrive. I wish I had these things available to me 8 months ago. Here’s my situation:
    I began dating a wonderful man and things were great for a year and a half before things starting getting shaky- in fact he made space in his room for me to leave my things (He’s currently 39 and lives with his Mom; I’m 37 and live with my parents). At some point I started to snoop and found that he had fathered a child but wasn’t sure it was his but he was taking care of the child financially and does spend time with the child. This sent me to therapy because when we met the question about children came up and he stated that he did not have any children. When I found out I was furious. I told him that his deception was not acceptable – he feels that he didn’t lie; he just didn’t talk about the child. During this time, I brought up our relationship going to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend – he told me that he wasn’t ready for that. When I asked him how he describe our relationship he said that we were cool – mind you I was staying over several times a week at his house, connected with his family and friends. I told him that at this point a year and a half later I was not interested in being boyfriend/girlfriend because we were operating as such already but without the title of girlfriend. After this we began house hunting. Prior to this we were arguing a lot about the child and his lying about it and I also noticed that he had started to spend more time with his female friends which included the cousin that introduced us. A few times I saw him and this particular female who I used to work with in compromising positions. I spoke to him about what I saw and trusted that he would deal with it. A second time occurred. One night, I was going to stay with him and he was out and I called him just to see what time he was coming home – he ignored my call. I stopped by the bar and he was talking to this same female that I mentioned earlier but not in a compromising way. I spoke to him briefly and was furious so to avoid a scene – I left. I called him on his cell again and he did not answer. When he finally responded, he texts me saying he was finishing his drink. I met him at the house and things got out of control – a BIG fight took place.
    He called me and told me that after having time to think he did not want to have a romantic relationship with me but felt that we could be friends. I told him that I was not interested in that and obviously I was not the one for him. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he wanted to reconnect and get back what we had but did not want to put his eggs in one basket. At first I resisted but then said let’s try. For the first 4-5 months I tried to spend time with him and we did, we talked on the phone, went out occasionally but nothing seemed to really move. During this time, we only had sex once. After that I told him that for us to have sex again we have to be in a committed relationship. One day at lunch, we were talking about what state we were in. He told me that he was hopeful that we would get back together. He also told me that he was getting acquainted with someone. I told him that maybe he should see where that goes. He got furious and told me that I was throwing it up in his face. I couldn’t understand how we could get back what we had if he is seeing other people when at the beginning he told me he wasn’t necessarily trying to test he waters. During this time I was calling and leaving voice messages about how I understand his need to take the lead and be in control and I would give him the space to set the dynamics of our relationship.
    Recently, we went out had a great time and we did talk about this”uncertain” period we are in. I asked why not just end things if my personality is overbearing. He stated that people mature during that time and stated that during this period we don’t do certain thing like birthday gifts, talking as often or spending lots of time together. He called the same night and I even received a text for him about a CD he asked my opinion on. We even shared a passionate kiss at the end of the night.
    I understand that his referring to me being a bit overbearing is more of me overfunctioning as you stated – I set up most of the activities that we did – it was subtle – I would suggest something, ask his opinion, he would asked me to do the research and I would present my findings, if he decided to go though with it then it happened, if not we didn’t go. Like with the house hunting that was his idea – I allowed him to progress at his own pace. I realize that at certain times during our courtship, I never let him lead – I would push for him to make a decision or I would step in and set things up myself but with his approval.
    At this point, I don’t know what to do to turn this thing around. I have been falling back with contacting him as often and setting things up. Except for a few weeks ago, when I called to see if he wanted to get together and watch the football game at a bar. We keep in touch at least once a month and I realize that it’s like a gauging thing – and I told him I recognize that for what it is. I realize that dating other people during this period is a good thing but I think I’m afraid that he may find someone else that he wants to see where things can go. One conversation we had was what he did for his birthday – he told me he went to dinner and a cigar bar. I said that is the same thing I planned for your birthday last year. I asked if it was a date or a group of friends. He replied that he went with some woman. I also asked if he was dating someone on a regular he said no. It seems that he is still very much interested I feel because why would he respond like that. The fight happened in November 2007. It is now October 2008. I also recognize that I was displaying masculine energy and when I was being the feminine energy I did not express how I was feeling but was giving warnings and advice. At this point, I have stopped calling and initiating dates. He sends a funny email here an there but that’s the extent of our communication right now.
    How do I proceed during this uncertain time?

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 6:45am

42. 42: Rori Raye says:

    Mocha – Just do the exercises and Tools in my book and programs, and date every man you can to practice them. You have to completely reverse your energy, or you’ll continue to attract feminine energy men like this one. I would actually call this guy narcissistic and immature – and, guess what – it doesn’t matter!

    What matters is Why YOU’RE so energetically invested in him. And how we can get you out of there and in a much better place. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 12:58pm

43. 43: Mocha says:

    Thank you for your concern. I have truly been studying your eBook and I listened to the free interview with Christian Carter and the information has made a difference for me during this time.

    I agree with you that he is narcissist and at times immature. I do realize that his process is much slower than mine and also that he may be afraid of commitment – not many of his relationships have ever lasted this long – maybe two from what he and I talked about which our scenario is very similar. He comes from a family that does not contain many married couples and the one aunt that did get married is divorced. I come from a two parent home (they are now married for 39 years) and 75% of my family has been married; a few divorces. Majority of my friends are married. I believe that most of his friends are married. I recall him saying that the reason he doesn’t want to end it before fully considering his options is because a few friends of his were questioning if they had made the right decision or not.

    I am truly beginning to reposition myself to deal with him as well as other men that I have been dating. As I stated, I no longer reach out to him in any form of communication unless it’s to respond to any contact he makes with me. And just recently he sent a joke email and I responded and he commented on the fact that I was late in responding and how he sent it a week ago. I told him that I did respond the same day he sent it but for whatever reason it didn’t go through. I asked if he was going to apologize since I sent proof of my response when he sent it. He said no and then I asked why not; then I asked if he was feeling indifferent towards me. He then responded and said that it was all in my mind. I told him that it really wasn’t in my mind because actions speak louder than words and how people make their own conclusions after making observation which is something that you meaning him are quite familiar with, particularly since it’s been ten months of us being in this uncertain period deciding on which way our relationship is going to go. I quickly recovered because that was the old me and told him that I wasn’t here to bust his balls and make a big deal out of it. No is a perfectly acceptable answer and do not want him to think “Why did I engage in this if she is going to do what she always does”. I let him know that I do not take his lack of response personally and I appreciate him for thinking of me.

    I figure if I lean back or as I say fall back – more often than not a person will miss what’s no longer in front of them or in their ear all the time. Also when a man thinks that he is losing you and does not want that to happen then they do everything possible to get back.

    My reason for being energetically invested earlier this year up until last month is that I do love this man, feel that he is the one and also I really wanted to gain from the lesson that comes with such a situation before moving on to someone else not knowing who I really was. I always felt I was impatient. I also never allowed myself to truly feel as you mentioned in your book. I realize that I was feeling anxiety and anger when this all came apart but didn’t know why. I have gained patience and my faith has deepened which I began to fall short on during my time with him. I have pin pointed my anxiety and feel much freer! I have done a lot self work by reading, listening and paying attention to what I feel. I accept this uncertain period on my journey because it’s new exciting and has opened me up to so many things!

    I have been dating other men as I know my “uncertain” has been. I dated a guy who really wants to be with me. I like him but he is divorced and the father of 4! He expressed that he is interested in remarrying and maybe having another child or two. I was able to let him know that dating him right now would be great but looking at the long term would be an issue-not sure if I want to be the step mother of 4 kids and you are not sure if you want more kids. Another guy from college that I had a crush on I saw him a few weeks ago. I am flying to Atlanta to go to dinner with him. I know you are against going to meet men but I promise you that after this, I will only see him when he comes back to the Northeast area.

    I will keep you posted!

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 2:31pm

44. 44: Mocha says:

    Linda,

    I truly understand how you feel. My story is very similar to yours. I was with my boyfriend and was 100% myself and we had great times together. I will tell you like I tell my friends and myself you know what your breaking point is. I no longer contact my “uncertain boyfriend” unless I am responding to him and I take my time doing so. It’s been said that when you love something let it go if if comes back it’s yours; if it doesn’t it never was. If he feels that you are really trying to move on with your life and he is not included and wants to be it make take time but he will step up. I am dealing with this right now. Granted, I fall back into old habits but the key as I see it is if you are able to recognize that you are doing old habits then you are making progress. ego plays a lot into what and how we react. Also once you discover what you feel you are really missing form this guy, your decision to really pursue a relatioship with him or not will be more clear.

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 2:45pm

45. 45: KIrsten says:

    My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 8:32pm

46. 46: linda says:

    Linda and Mocha… and really all, this is a great site for hope. Rori, I began setting up dates yesterday… and now have two lined up!!! I felt like I was on cloud nine just to be in control of me again. And one guy is really taking the lead and I am letting him. As for the guy in my life; he called at 4:30 yesterday (a Friday) and asked if he could see me….Rori I was open, said how nice that felt and agreed. Today however is our usual “football day”. He did not mention last night (given he said he needs space) and well just called…I did not pick up– 1/2 before gametime. “I’m going to game, not sure what your plans are, talk to you later”…well, I’m not going to respond nor go there. He only calls when he feels like it and well, it is always last minute. So today I am actually enjoying working in the yard, cleaning my clutter (see Rori I’m listening) and let be what be. If he really wanted me to be there at the game he would have planned in advance….a game that places me in direct contact with the woman I caught him kissing and god only know what else when I walked in on them while I was asleep in his bedroom. You are right Linda..it is boundary issues…except I’ve done some awlful things in the relationship (stalking, incessant calling, no trust for no reason, looked at his phone, tracked him down, embarassed him in front of friends, family, and co-workers… so I am not an innocent party) Rori, I am beginning to think this guy just may not be for me. So much water under the bridge, so much pain, so many differences in “our bridges — and where they lead” I’m going to flirt with the world, do what makes me happy (going back to church tomorrow), date, and try really hard to love me. Rori I listen over and over to the tapes… it helps drill it into my head. Any more advice would be great and thank you all! There is hope, it does take some work on your own part however. Linda

    Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 9:46am

47. 47: linda says:

    well gals I’m back; so much has transpired in just 24 hours (or less)– the man I’ve been pining for; well he called me drunk and said “hey, too bad you never called me about the game; I’m out now and I’ll talk to you tomorow”. I said, don’t bother and he hasn’t (does this sound like 14 year olds drama or what?) Anyway, I had my first date today… really nice guy (a little too talkative and opinionated but I kept hearing Rori say “have fun, just enjoy it” so I did. He walked me to car and told me he was in for something long term, like being married, etc. we’ll see. Then, another guy called me on the way home and said he was so excited about our lunch date on Tuesday…”it’s raining men, halleljuh” but better yet, I’m enjoying being with me!! I went to Church today , worked in the yard again, cooked chili– you know participating in life again!! Yeah… Rori thanks so much for kicking my butt. I will say that the guy I had lunch with today made it clear that he did not what someone who is dating multiple people at once.. I didn’t know what to say about that..Rori???? (I was not ready to give him the no girlfriend speech, we just met face to face)… Help on this one please

    Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 2:42pm

48. 48: Mocha says:

    Linda, Thanks for your comments. I too have began dating other men. I now let them take the lead in how things progress meaning, I don’t call them unless it’s to return their call. I am curreently flying to Atlanta to visis some friends and have a date also with a guy that I went to college with and had a crush on. I will admit that I initiated the contact to get to this point since it has been 12 years since we saw each other before last month. I suggested a friendly bet over a football game and the stakes where dinner. He lost and he did suggest maybe waiting until he returned to his hometown to go out for dinner when he came home in December. But I offered to fly to Atlanta since I didn’t take a vaction this year and it also offered me the chance to visit other friends down in Atlanta. I’m soo excited to leave next Friday!! As for a few guys here in NJ, one guy is really only looking to be phone buddies because he just isn’t ready to trust yet based on his past relationship which was a marriage that ended after 9 months. Not to mention what ever other situations he encountered after that. Since there is no time or energy invested, I’m cool with that and he is aware of what I want so if he wants the same thing then he has to take the first step. I haven’t started the Commitment Blueprint DVD’s but I am finishing up with Rori’s book and I am utilizing the tools in there as well as the book. Anther guy that is expressing interest I told him that I will date him and see what happens – we dated a few motnhs back but I don’t think I was really ready based on my beliefs to not jump into something else until my prior situation was finalized – I guess you can say I was exclusive without the commitment. WE live and we learn. At this point, I do not focus on my “uncertain man” as much as I did before. I’m learning more about me and enjoying the company of friends, family, doing things I like and dating. At this point I don’t know what the future holds reagarding my “uncertain situation” or these other guys but I can’t hold myself back without expolring other options. Besides this is what my “uncertain man” is doing so why shouldn’t I? Whether it’s friendly dating or looking to find someone serious.

    Take care of yourself first and foremost!

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 7:35am

49. 49: Mocha says:

    Rori,

    Any advice on how to handle this out of town date? After jsut re-connecting with this guy, I told him that I had a crush on him but since we always travelled in different circles while in school, I never let on that’s how I felt. Now that we’ve reconnected, not sure how to proceed. I mean having fun is the goal but how do I let him know that I want to see what can happen?

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 7:54am

50. 50: Maria says:

    Rori,
    My boyfriend called me finally…I was in the middle of getting ready to go on a date, so I couldn’t answer, he then left me a few messages…said: “I wouldn’t call you except if I didn’t need your help with something”…Usually in the past I would answer no matter what but this time I said to myself I’m on a mission here (date) no one will stop me now…LOL…so the next day Sunday I called him back…I said: Just returning your phone call: and I felt angry to talk to you, but now I’m feeling happy to talk to you…he went right to explaining why he had called me he said: he called me about a job delivering cars and needed me to drive him to it and back said he would pay me for my time and etc…I said: I feel disappointed, but I need a couple of days notice as I have a busy schedule…and he said he couldn’t let me know in advance as he gets the jobs as it comes in…and that I missed making some extra money…and that if I wanted to make extra $ to maybe consider it for next time and that he would call…so his rating in the Toxic scale is “DIFFICULT” he was of course very cold… He asked how where things…But I told him that: It feels good to hear your voice then he said that his voice was bad lately and that he is just getting over laryngitis….then he said I gotta go now, before he could say bye I said: Bye and hung-up… Well low and behold around 3:00pm he called me and asked me how I was doing I said: I’m feeling wonderful, he then said that he had picked-up dinner and would love to share it with me how did I feel about that, and if I didn’t have any plans? I said: It would feel good. He then said that he had a couple of things to do around the house and would be done in about 20 minutes, and said to me come over whenever you want…I said OK…So then I showed-up ½ hour later…I was practicing Rori’s tools what to say to him…Ok so I got there he opened the door invited me in and I sensed he wanted to kiss me I just leaned back, then back some more, he then leaned forward and gave me a kiss…I said to him while shaking like a leaf, I said:
    I was feeling angry to see you, but now I’m feeling happy, I’m feeling confused…I’ve noticed he looked at me like he was clueless and confused or something, then said to me: Well then be happy! I wanted to die really and instead of going down to my feelings and dealing with it on my own I stuffed it…I didn’t know what to do…and by looking at him he didn’t know how to respond either…So any way we had a wonderful time…I kept doing some of the visualizations like the 100 men out the window it was as if I was a magnet to him he couldn’t keep his hands off of me…I was also able to say No to him because he asked me to take him to run a few errands I said: I don’t feel comfortable doing that, he then asked why not? I said: I don’t want to do that…he kept coming to me to kiss me, was loving on me…and I remember feeling like I didn’t really care for him like before. I was able to actually tell him: I don’t feel like making love right now, so he respected me for it and didn’t push like he done before, and he was very charming all night, hugging me in bed, did things in bed with me like never before while I responded all in feeling messages, like Ohh this feels so good, I answered him yes that would feel good…etc…Even expressed myself about not wanting to be a girlfriend he even said to me: Let me ask you a question if I ask you to marry me would you marry me, would you say yes? I replied yes I would and then I repeated again because I don’t want to be a girlfriend, he then pointed out to me saying: You haven’t even gotten your divorce prepared yet and gave a big laugh, I said: It would feel great if the man who proposes to me would help me to get my divorce….he then said you want me to help you I have a good attorney who can do it, I said that would feel good…we then talked about other stuff….While having sex later the guy tried many times, and for long period of times to make me get an orgasm I just couldn’t…of course then I felt frustrated at my self and while in the process of making love (doggie style) My vagina had so much air in it because of me not having sex since we were apart, that when the air came out a few times I felt embarrassed and I pulled-away from him he then asked why was I pulling away I said I felt embarrassed he then said don’t be it’s a natural thing to happen, but I was already feeling frustrated for not having an orgasm, and of course had shoved down my frustration and kept smiling and acting like nothing was bothering me and there was…In the early morning hours we had sex again and Now since I had to get-up earlier than him…he then got up and while he was sitting in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. I felt so disconnected that It felt so cold, but yet I didn’t remember to express it to him in feeling messages and again I withdrew…He walked me to the door didn’t even kiss me just said: Be a good girl Keep in touch…when he knows very well that I don’t call him…Now what on God’s earth was that all about? I don’t get it…We were having so much fun!
    I felt so empty leaving him thinking he’s not going to call me ever again and not so soon anyway…
    Rori please help me! What do I do? How do I repair this? You said we would make mistakes and not for us to beat ourselves-up when we do, you said that mistakes are part of the process….What’s your take on this, please respond to this blog…thank you!

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 9:41am

51. 51: Trisha says:

    Dear Maria, it will be interesting to see how Rori responds to your letter. As for me, after i read it, it just made me feel even more certain not to have sex until i’m in the committed marriage i want. This guy knows where his free booty call is with you as far as i’m concerned. You were doing so well with your new found “degree of difficulty” until you gave in and went to his house for dinner. Maybe next time you can tell him to bring take out over to Your place or meet you at your favorite restaurant, if he wants to share dinner with you. The leaning back when you first arrived at his place was great, too bad you didn’t keep in that mode when you told him you “didn’t feel like having sex right now.” Had you left without going to bed with him i feel things would have definately went more your way. What if this is the only reason this guy keeps calling you? Why do we woman think having uncommitted sex with the men we love is the way to keep them?

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 10:29am

52. 52: Rori Raye says:

    Maria, First – you were doing amazing practice with him – all the feeling messages and not calling him…and when I get to the second part of this reply – please remember that I’m very proud of you for taking an opportunity and practicing – and I do NOT want you to use what I’m going to say to beat yourself up, okay?

    Yes, this was a booty call. And…until you are divorced, booty calls and men who only want booty calls is likely all you will get. No man who wants a commitment will show up until you are legally free.

    That said – what’s your best course in this situation? Exactly what Trisha said – if it’s going to be boyfriends and booty calls – MAKE THEM COME TO YOU. Your chief, number one, top-priority thing right now is to raise your self-esteem. Wherever and however you practice this is almost unimportant. Love, Rori

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 10:55am

53. 53: Maria says:

    Rori,
    It’s me again you know I’m the same one who’s blog is the first one on this page…I feel so dissapointed…I feel like crying…after he had asked me for space he then finally calls me and I was feeling happy he did. Although now I feel angry…I feel hurt, I feel pain…I know he loves me we’ve been together for 1 1/2 years…I really believe that there’s hope for us Rori…I feel scared…I feel confused…I live with my mom that’s why he can’t come over to see me, although I love her my mom doesn’t like any one she’s a narcisist and likes to live alianated from everyone…no one is ever good enough for her man nor women…I had not gotten a divorce before because I couldn’t afford it I was out of work for almost 1 year been legally separated for 2 1/2 years…He knows my situation as a matter of fact in the first 6 months we were together he offered to pay,and at that time I told him I didn’t need his help that I could do it on my own…I was wondering Rori shouldn’t I give it some time to see where my relationship goes with him, and meanwhile continue to do the tools and also dating other guys? Thank you for your response…

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 12:29pm

54. 54: KIrsten says:

    Rori –

    KIrsten says:

    My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 2:55pm

55. 55: Mocha says:

    Rori,

    The question I have now is after going through all of your programs and putting them into practice what are we as women to do if the man that each one of us in this blog are speaking of decides that he does not want to commit but wants to remain friends. To me this looks like we were stepping stones and personally, I opt out of being friends because my thoughts are “if you didn’t want me in your life as your wife/partner why should I remain as a friend?” This really applies to men that I was enotionally invested. Men I just dated and felt they weren’t for me and what I need, I don’t have a problem remaining friends beause nothing was invested. Please advise wat your thoughts are on this.

    Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 7:52am

56. 56: Trisha says:

    Dear Mocha, Rori will always have the last say on advice. She has been practicing her tools for a long time and i am only a novice of them since last year. i’m here to tell you they work. i understand what you are feeling Mocha. When things didn’t work out in my second marriage of 5 years, i left. i didn’t want to be “friends” with him although it’s what he wanted. i had given up my singleness and invested so much of myself into him and the marriage. He was toxic and not knowing about Rori Raye’s Toxic Men program, i had no tools. i didn’t know anything else but to divorce him for my own peace of mind. It took three years before i let him be my “friend”. He tried many times to contact me, asked me to meet with him, etc. i moved on with my own life. His loudest cry was, “but did you have to DIVORCE me?!” The answer is “perhaps not” yet this is exactly what i am getting from what Rori is trying to teach us….LOVE YOURSELF. When things aren’t going the way we wish they would with a certain man…do the things that nourish you! Use the rock climbing tool, the looking out the window, the bridging, date yourself, feel the icky feelings and talk to them. i let my second husband go back in 2000. After the 3 year period of me repairing myself and getting on with my purposes for being on this earth, to this day we are “friends”. See yourself like Rori tells us…we are the Queens and the man needs us more than we need him. Use the tool of “he doesn’t exist unless he’s right in front of you or speaking with you on the telephone.” See him “waving to you in your imagination and sending you messages to learn from him and how not to get involved with someone like him in the future.” It’s all in Rori’s tool box and i thank God for them.

    Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 8:42am

57. 57: Mocha says:

    Trisha, Thank your for your response and yes I totally agree with all of the programs and have no problem with the advice. I truly believe in Loving myself and I make sure that is first an foremost for anyone. I also believe in nourishing myself by doing the things that make me happy. I feel that if your ex-husband’s loudest cry as you stated, “you didn’t have to divorce me” was he willing to be as invested as you were to repair the relationship during that time? Did he say to you that he didn’t want a divorce ans willing to see what went wrong and work at it? You say that to this day you and him are “friends”. How are you defining that? My feelings however are simply this, why be friends with someone that broke your heart and could not give you what you wanted. Especially after repairing myself, finding myself, what have you to reach a better place. Isn’t any realtionship based on the foundation of friendship first? After giving of myself to someone and finding out that they are toxic – why do I need that in my life period, to me I feel that isn’t being a good friend in the beginning, why are you looking to be a friend now? Just a thought. Maybe we should really think about what a friend means to us and that my sort out a lot of confusion. I trust my friends and have expectations of them. So a guy that I have a relationship with vs. dating we must develop a friendship first. So when things hit a point, then that means there’s a crack in the foundation that needs to be repaired. Or can it be repaired. If it can’t, I don’t seeing being friends as an option. I have allowed past men that I dated back into my life as friends but the difference with them is that they were not men that were on my radar to have a future with. My first love which offered my my first introduction to love and how it feels – we do not keep in touch. It’s best for both of us. He’s now married and I am happy for him, but being friends would not work because we have nothing to offer one another at this stage in oour lives – our connection was what it was.

    Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 9:32am

58. 58: Maria says:

    Trisha, in which Rori’s program are these tools that you’ve mentioned here; rock climbing and imagining your man waving? I have all of them except the; “Relationship Blueprint…thnx…

    Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 10:59am

59. 59: Trisha says:

    Dear Maria, my heart was broken, yes. After all, i was a very good wife but “overfunctioned” (as i know it to be thanks to Rori) way too much before i decided to pack up and leave. To watch him tear the marriage apart bec of his deep rooted issues was most painful and a time of scary upheaval and uncertainty. i repaired my heart through Forgiveness, Understanding and moving on with my life. Sure wish i had Rori’s tools back then; things would have gone easier. Like i said, i wouldn’t even talk to him for 3 years including not having him present when i got the divorce! Then one day (i don’t rem exactly what it was) we talked on the phone and bec i had moved on, we were able to talk about what happened (he is 7 years younger than me and perhaps this had a bearing on things). What i mean by “friends” is being there when i was (or will be) in great need. For example: he now lives in another state and visits here for holidays with his family. Some times we saw each other other times we didn’t. i had my house broken into twice in one month during the summer and when he happened to call me and found out, he sent me money…no strings attached. When i lost my job, he paid a month’s rent for me. You see Mocha, when two people have a love and concern for the other regardless of what happened in the past and they are willing to forgive and move on, friendship IS possible. We have both been with other people who didn’t understand this “friendship” yet they had to accept it bec this man and i will always care what happens to the other (this is what we have to offer each other). i assure you…there is NO way i would ever be married to him again in this life time! i am not a threat to anyone he becomes involved with.
    As for the other information i gave to you, i’ll have to dig them up and if it’s ok with Rori, i can give you my email address and i can email you the information. i’m pretty sure it’s from the Relationship Connect. Let me know. i hope i’ve answered your question and shed a ray of hope.

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 9:19am

60. 60: Trisha says:

    My apologies my last letter is in response to Mocha and the last part about the information is to Maria.

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 9:26am

61. 61: Maria says:

    Trisha, I also have a great friendship with my ex-husband we do the same when he needs something I do it for him, and he does the same for me…Now the difference in my situation is that he’s still hung-up on me…hopefully he’ll meet someone and go on…and I agree with you we will always be friends too. I still love him but am not in love with him and will never go back to him either….thanks for sharing….

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 9:45am

62. 62: Mocha says:

    Thanks Maria and Trish, thank your for both your responses. It seems that both of the men in your lives – based on your stories – that are now your friends are functioning as they should have when you all were together. I guess what I’m struggling with is is it because there is no longer any pressure to be intimate as well as any expectations that allows a friendship or is it that a frienship was never present at the beginning of the relationship? Maybe depending on how my “uncertain” situation turns out, being friends can be an option years later. I just can’t see how and why a man that I was in love with and wanted to spend my life with can suddenly want to be friends and be there for me after the fact. I guess everyone sees things differently. As Maria stated her ex is still “hooked” so is he doing these things looking to come back or is it genuine?

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 10:22am

63. 63: Maria says:

    Good point Mocha sometimes I think he’s doing this bc he wants me back, but at the same time though we’ve always been like that w/eachother when we were married…I tell you sometimes I miss him like crazy we were married for 21 years, and have a 19 year old son together…I guess your question would be, then why aren’t you guys together? well he had a heart attack, then started suffering from cronic depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and diabetes…I never thought in a million years it would’ve ended this way…for 8 years I put up with it…he didn’t want to go back to work (doctor said he could) basically gave-up on everything and of course I picked-up the overfunctioning. My life turned into a NIGHTMARE He would throw tantrums you name it he changed completely just simply gave-up! we fought like cats and dogs, was very verbally abusive also! I couldn’t handle it….that should sum it all up! Sometimes it’s very hard for me because I feel so guilty about leaving him, and he does throw it on my face, but now with Rori’s tools I can go deep down into the dark and walk through and embrace it all….thnx

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 10:45am

64. 64: Mocha says:

    Maria, you guys were married andhave children, it makes sense to be friends. I feel that if two people make a go at dating and it doesn’t work out after all the time and energy has been invested, it doesn’t make sense to be friends. Like I said before, a few guys that I dated that I knew they weren’t right for me being friends was OK. For instance, a guy I dated 10 years ago – it was not serious – recently got in contact with me and wants to hang out. He’s married and suggested us sleeping together; I’m sure just having fun getting a drink or two time to tome is included in the deal but I feel his main purpose is to get some. I said that will not happen and now I’m thinking what’s the purpose of being friends – I wasn’t thought about when you decided to get married so why am I good enough to sleep with when your wife isn’t putting out?

    So now I’m thinking about my “uncertain” man – if after all this time he decides that a commitment isn’t what he wants – why be friends?

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 1:28pm

65. 65: Maria says:

    Mocha you’re absolutely right I agree with you on this…
    thanks for sharing

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 1:54pm

66. 66: Suzanne Wickenden says:

    I am not sure what to do about this. My NOW fiance still stays in touch with his EX gf’s mom. He has been helping her redo her bathroom at her home and it just really bothers me. I have told him how I feel about it and he tells me that I will just have to deal with it. He is done with the bathroom, but I know that he still talks to her as well as the EX gf, she works within the same Company that he does and actually we might be moving back to the town where they meet and work as well. I know that he loves me and that we are going to be married, but I just have this insecure feeling with it comes to her and her mom. I do NOT like the idea of him working with her again.

    WHAT DO I DO ??????

    Suzanne

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 9:43am

67. 67: Trisha says:

    Dear Mocha, You said, “I wasn’t thought about when you decided to get married so why am I good enough to sleep with when your wife isn’t putting out?”
    Right here is what i’m talking about with relationships. First of all, you have to see (and feel) yourself as BETTER then enough to sleep with him! Sex always stands out like it’s the most important part of being with a man. i’ve learned to say “NO!” esp after reading Rori’s Mantra’s about boundries and what’s his business and what’s ours. i certainly don’t expect every woman out there to Not have sex until they are in a committed marriage (although this IS the original plan) bec they just don’t understand the repercussions of their choice. For me, i have set this as a boundry and my boyfriend respects me all the more for it. He is willing to wait. What this also produces is all that sexual energy is being redirected into different aspects of the relationship. This is working for me bec it shows me how much he really wants to be the one who “wins” me. He has made it very clear he wants to “step up to the plate” and has been making changes in baby steps over this past year. Can you imagine a man NOT having sex with someone he truly loves? Mocha, it’s a beautiful thing to be in a relationship with someone who is forsaking every other woman to be with YOU. The stronger i hold on to want i want to happen and use Rori’s tools, the stronger the relationship is getting bec he sees i am not reverting back to where i was when we first met (allowing myself to be a receptacle for his frustrated body fluids!) So… you have to see yourself as BETTER than a booty call. The “high” is the Freedom you feel when you love and respect yourself MORE.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 11:52am

68. 68: Trisha says:

    Dear Suzanne, go to the part of Rori’s blog which deals with Jealousy. You need to read back over this section where i address this very issue where others have had to accpt my “friendship” with an ex husband. You have to deal with any self esteem issues before fear has a chance to get to you. Jealousy is the “fear”of losing something or someone. Envy is strongly desiring what someone else has. When you follow Rori’s programs,you will become so strong in your OWN essence, the other woman will become a mere shadow and we all know…shadows can’t hurt us.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 12:03pm

69. 69: Mocha says:

    To Trisha: I always have seen myself more than a booty call. If the booty call is to be made it will be made by me! lol. I have never had an issue with telling any man NO – if I don’t want to have sex then that’s the bottom line we will not. I was only using that scenario as a point as to why I feel being friends with someone that a person used to date can be a no-no. A man will try to see what he can get away with. We as women have to learn to respect ourselves and honor our boundaries; if we don’t how cna we expect someone else to honor them. This guy is very clear on the no sex thing – if he chooses to still want to hang out and catch up that’s fine but if I FEEL that he is only doing it to see if I’ll bend and have sex with him then it’s a done deal. ANd trust me, he will push the issue and if his friendship is genuine then he will stop pushing and just accept the terms; if he flees then OH WELL!!

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 12:50pm

70. 70: Maria says:

    Trisha you mean to tell me that you used to have sex w/your man b4 then became “High Degree Difficult” and he’s still around? WOW! girlfriend I never knew it could be possible really…now I have hope with m/man…and if he decides to walk oh well…by then I think I’ll be ready for anything…Thank you Trisha you don’t know how much this means to me it’s like a light bolb went off my head….Bless you all beautiful women….

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 2:22pm

71. 71: Trisha says:

    Maria, i met my boyfriend (well actually he calls me his fiance and we are now talking more seriously about marriage) 4 yrs ago BR (before Rori) i had just broken up from a 3 yr relationship and was an emotional MESS! i was out trying to “forget” about him when J came over and asked me to dance. He could be Billy Dee Williams twin brother…very handsome African American with the most polite manners and very nicely dressed. He didn’t stalk me or pressure me in any way. We wound up talking till 4 in the morning over several cups of tea. i told him, right up front, about the breakup and how i wasn’t interested in starting up another one. He asked me if i was “still in love” with the other man and i said, “Yes.” J quickly replied,”Well, i’ll take my chances.”
    i seriously did not think it was gonna go anywhere. See, i was “high degree of difficulty” before i even knew what that meant. i didn’t know he was Toxic either. He kept his gambling addiction hidden for 2 yrs. i kept fighting with him, yelling,begging, accusing and pushing him away every chance i got! i was doing all the things Rori tells us NOT to. When he first asked me to marry him last year, i gave the ring back bec i didn’t trust him (or myself for that matter) and this caused him hurt and anger so his revenge was to go out with someone else. At first i didn’t care but as the time went on (6 mo. all together), i missed his sincere caring, loving gentleness, authentic goodness and esp, his boyish smile. This was around the time i found Rori’s website and i’ve been following her advice ever since. By the time he came back to me…i was a different person. It felt really strange practicing the tools on him. The first one i used was Leaning Back. i was so delighted to watch it work right away, i couldn’t wait to use all the other ones! lol i set my boundry of no more sex LAST December. i thought this would be the greatest test of his love for me. This man is so turned around it blows MY mind! The only time i would call him was if it was a real emergency (like when my house was broken into!) He would call ME (and still does) up to 4 times a day when he knows i’m home. He would call me so much on the cell, i stopped bringing it around with me. Maria….YES!!! There is hope. The main point though, is how I changed. i joined dance classes, writing classes, teach myself piano and guitar, go do what i have to do FOR ME! i’ve learned to use silence, breathing, feeling my feelings, my imagination, stopped over functioning, i don’t go to him, buy him stuff (like i used to), i hardly even cook. He knows i would never even consider just living together bec i know i am worth more. Thanks to Rori, i’ve learned to thank myself and appreciate the uniqueness and specialness of me, Trisha, the one woman this man feels so good to be with. There are many more physically attractive and younger women then myself but they are not ME!
    Listen, i could go on and on about the success i’ve had listening to Rori Raye. i hope someday i will actually get to meet her and give her a big HUG! The amazing thing about all of this is how once you see how it all works, it sticks to you without the fear of falling back to your old ways. You won’t LET it bec it feels so damn good to have things going towards the “happy ever after”. Look at Rori…she’s still going strong after 20 yrs!! God bless us all.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 6:52pm

72. 72: Maria says:

    Oh my God Trisha you don’t know how you have made my day by speaking your testimony here….I feel so blessed to have found Rori and you wonderful women…Bless you all!!!

    Friday, 21 November 2008 @ 6:00am

73. 73: Aspengirl says:

    I have been in the same relationship for 6 years. He is not a perfect man, but he is a good one. In the last two years, we found out my 6 year old son was being hurt by a boy at his dad’s house. (and I don’t mean hurt like fighting either) Everything went on hold to protect my son, and remove him from the house of evil. In June of this year, I came home to an empty house. He was gone. No note, no clue, just gone. He came back later and said he could not leave that way. He moved back in, stating that ‘he needs to live in the bed of his truck’ but he does not want to upset the court case for my son. He says he liked it when I would do what I wanted with my friends, but then he gets mad if I go out. He comes and goes, but I know living with a man I love dearly (still) and feeling him leave is the most horrible feeling in the universe. I have asked him to sleep on the couch-it is hard to sleep in the same bed, you know? He won’t. I have asked him what we can do-he says he doesn’t know why he feels like this, but he knows he needs to live in his truck. He has stopped paying any portion of the bills, and we owe a TON of money to my mom. (and I owe a TON to my lawyer as well!!!) I am so lost, I want him here, I want him gone, I want us to work together, and I hope he drops dead. I am a very direct person, and passive aggresive crap freaks me out-Which emotion is real? I woudl appreciate any advice or help anyone could give..Thank you

    Friday, 21 November 2008 @ 6:45pm

74. 74: Trisha says:

    Dear Aspengirl, i am no expert only a novice and in apprenticehip with Rori Raye’s programs for the past year. i have a boyfriend of 4 yrs and refused to have us move in together. This works for me as i want a husband in marriage more than a live=in lover. My man is also a “good” man and i have put up with his toxicity more than i really want to. He pulls the passive aggressive nonsense as well. Through all the advice Rori gives, i am coming upon new levels of wisdom and revelations with each “bump in the road.” For instance…
    my man has a gambling addiction and i didn’t know it for the first 2 yrs i was dating him (read more about this above). Since using Rori’s tools, i have come to realize my personal worth (which is more than rubies thank you very much!) and how he needs me more than i need him at this point. i have made so many changes in myself, his respect continued to grow. He does really good when he’s in councelling but once he stops…all his quiet desperation explodes and there goes his paycheck into the casino toilet bowl. Here’s what i’m learning and perhaps it will help you as well…i’m begining to feel i have been “falsely” attracted to this man. i’m starting to feel his “kindness” and financial help is really quilt. His smiles are a mask and the “i love you” is something he just says to be”nice”. In other words, he is NOT authentic but has serious underlying deceitfulness, including lying and sneaking around. False attraction to someone still FEELS GOOD and always will even if the relationship is turning into a pile of ashes! Since being enlightened by Rori, i see things differently now…my man does not share the same financial values as i do, we don’t communicate on the same levels either. he’s emotional and i’m logical. His kisses don’t have any passion and i am starving for that. So….i have a big choice to make don’t i? The reason i let him back in my life was his “kindness and gentleness and him always looking out for me” and now with this latest “slip” back into the casino (last night to be exact), i am right back not wanting anything to do with him. Like you, right now i could care less if he dropped dead! Bec i am raising up my self esteem, my eyes and heart are opening more and more to the falseness of this relationship. Why would i want to marry a man who is so irresponsible and untrustworthy? i’m learning to feel my feelings clearer and clearer and with latest incidence, it doesn’t feel good being around him so i told him the whole thing didn’t feel good to me it was making me sick and to leave me alone for awhile. i had so much anger last night yet i was able to keep it under control with Rori’s tools. Oh, he’ll be back yet it’s now going to have to be up to me whether i want to keep going. Right now, this being the day after, i DON’T want it. i feel i deserve so much better than this. i’ve gone through this before and took him back yet with each time, my insight is awakened to the lack of trueness in this man. It’s like this whole relationship has been some kind of an illusion. You will have to make some serious choices yourself. We’re all here for you.

    Saturday, 22 November 2008 @ 4:25pm

75. 75: Becca says:

    Trisha – you have so much power now! I really enjoyed reading your story, you are doing so well with Rori’s tools. I can only hope that I will be strong enough to make my own choices for myself oneday too instead of feeling weak and sad as I often do.
    Aspengirl – hugs to you! I really hope everything works out. If you haven’t gone there already, I have found that Rori’s power and self esteem posts on this blog really help, otherwise I find that a good way to sort out what I’m feeling and work through it is to write it down in a journal. Riffing… just writing down everything and anything I feel or that comes to mind. Hope this helps.

    xoxo

    Monday, 24 November 2008 @ 9:31pm

76. 76: Trisha says:

    Dear Becca, Yes it feels very EMpowering to be able to go into my “tool box” and have a choice of different ones to choose from and selecting the one that will work the best in a particular situation. At one time the only help i reached for was a drink to make everything “go away”. Only thing was…it made everything WORSE! At this time i want to state my belief in something even more powerful than a Rori Raye toolbox (and i certainly mean no disrespect to her as i am very grateful TO her) and this is …the Creator of the Universe who uses the “creations” in ways which help us to ultimately thank HIM. i use the “eat the chicken and spit out the bones” tool as well. i don’t believe in putting ALL my trust in my Self or in any One human being who is open to as much temptation and vulnerability as anyone else. i have nasty parts of my SELF that would love it if i gave up and went back to destructive ways. i was feeling so weak a year ago i thought i would die if this man wasn’t in my life. It was as if, i had put everything i thought I was, into… who he was! Like he had become the center of the universe. It’s no wonder everything fell apart. This man is NOT my saviour. In my weakness, i felt God was not hearing me and giving me what I wanted( bec i was hurting so horribly) yet, i believe HE got me to Rori’s website. i started using some of the tools and they worked. Circumstances have changed again like i said in my last post and yes…i thank my SELF for loving me enough NOW to not allow these circumstances to keep me from the truth (making this man out to be more than he actually is- this was the UNtruth i was walking in.) It’s as if we all come to the Light at different stages and times in our lives. i may use my imagination in other ways in conjuction with what Rori suggests and, give more credit to a higher source than the ego hungry Self yet the bottom line is…if something is NOT working you have to find something that DOES. Please don’t think i’m using this blog as a platform for Trisha’s beliefs over those of Rori Raye… i simply advocate a Balance in who and what we put our faith and trust in. i feel Rori and what she’s been through is also being used as a “tool”. She shares her experience and give us strength and hope. We are all here to help one another out. i believe you, Becca, will come to your own sense of feeling EMpowered by knowing what is the Truth of the relationship and what is the Illusion (imaginary) and getting to the place of cooperating (parterning) with something greater than your own feelings (they have a tendency to fool us) i have found even the False attractions we have to a man feel AS good as the True ones! For me, the power comes in overcoming the fears and doubts and deciding by your own free will…do i want it or i don’t want it!

    Tuesday, 25 November 2008 @ 10:17am

77. 77: Mocha says:

    Trisha, That was well put and I to feel that God directed me to Rori Raye’s tools in addition to other relationship coaches like Christian Carter who is featured in one of the interview CD’s. Another book that has guided me though this process is “The New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. I’m begininning to empower myself in regards to the dating world and finding out what I want and not being afraid to state it up front. This way there is nothing invested if things don’t flow. I’m finding most men I attract are in a “not ready” stage and honestly that’s not my problem. Why should I go with the flow to see what happens and invest time, energy and emotions to olnly hear at the end, “I told you in the beginning I wasn’t ready for anything committed.” I’m really paying attention to men’s words and actions. Most men are great with wanting the basis of an exclusive relationship but not willing to go the distance and becoming exclusive. Is that fair to us ? No and that’s how we fall into the imaginary relationship that Rori talks about.

    Recently an ex from 3 years ago called me last night (actually we’ve been talking since we broke up and actually have sex) and he said to me he is looking for his future wife. I told him I didn’t want to hear all of that and he asked why. I told him I just didn’t and he said it could be you. My response was it could be but your attitude has to change for it to be me. I also told him that a year from the date he needs to put a ring on my finger if he wants it to be me. See, at this point, I have given him my fill of love and emotions and he wasn’t appreciative. Our relationship now is one of sex once a month and that works because I wasn’t feeling him any more than that. I will always love him and want the best for him but I did not see a future with him because he hasn’t grown up. He says that he is beginning to mature and I told him that actions speak louser than words so you have a year to show and prove.

    My ex that prompted me to really seek out Rori ( the one I posted my story a month back) I do not talk to him unless he reaches out to me and that is basically a joke email occassionally. I was thinking about him yesterday and thought to myself here is another adult manchild that is ambivalent and unsure hence our uncertain status. I’m really thinking do I even want him back now. As the saying goes actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are non-existent. Not sure how our uncertain status will change but I can’t drive myself crazy worrying about it. As I told him, the ball is in his court to make a decsion but in the meantime I have a life to live with or without him as Trisha stated in her last post by not making him my world. My therapist told me the other night that I am definitely maturing and recognizing what I want and don’t want and the only way that has began to happen for me is by dating other men instead of pinning over my uncertain guy and the status we are currently in. As it’s been suggested by many relationship experts “DO YOU!”

    Wednesday, 26 November 2008 @ 8:00am

78. 78: Linda says:

    I have been reading this total topic here. Interesting stuff. I have been involved with a man for over two years who is I now see is toxic. He has bipolar that runs in his family too.
    We have been together almost 3 years. We lived together most of that time. They were wonderful for the most part.. but he began distancing himself. He moved out but continued to call, text but it was different. He kept communication on the level of friendship.. Not long after he moved out, I found out via “hickies” on his neck that he was seeing someone else. He was not sorry about it but said it meant nothing. It did to me ! I should have sent him packing but I could not understand why he would do that and still want to be around. I was stupidly unwilling at that point to throw in the towel on this man. We tried to muddle thru but it was strained. I finally could not take it anymore knowing he was playing me along and I cried no matter what I tried to do say tears would not stop flowing. I did not want a relationship like this and I told him so….His response:”I need to take a break from our relationship” and would “be in touch”. I said so you are walking away? he said no.

    I accepted the change all the while missing him deeply.The good parts of him but not the latest version of himself. I have read lots of things here and other places and gave him his space.. no pushing no calling, pleading, no texting… I worked on myself, got centered. Was working out, lost some weight (now up to 22 pds) and got a tan. I planned my contact with him. Because I needed to get my power back not let him be in control of me by using his words when he left me…”I’ll be in touch”! I broke a 3 week silent streak with a voice message that said I thought today was as good a day as any to break the silence between us and that if you chose not to respond that was okay. ( truely did not care if he responded I called for myself because it felt like a infantile game) He responded quickly via text saying Good to hear from me and would be nice to talk some time…. he called later in the week. He suggested we made plans to see each other later in the week. He brought pizza and we played cards.. had a great time. He wanted to do it again sometime. I said sure and left the ball in his court. He began texting me every morning. I would respond. We did not see each other again for a week. His birthday was coming and on that day I sent a Happy birthday text and left a hand written sign on his car window. He replied with a big thankyou. Later in a call I placed I wished him a fun time with whatever he was doing for his birthday.. he said nothing.. hmmm I offered dinner but had a special outing in mind if he had agreed for the following day. We did both.. had an awesome time The ice man was melting he went from cold and dististant to warming up… even wanting to snuggle. I used feeling messages etc. tried the leaning back it worked he leaned in… Later that evening he intiated snuggling and we fell asleep in each others arms.. no sex. The next evening after a great fun day together..we had dinner some wine and well one thing led to another and my no sex theory vanished….but all was going so well. Texting more etc. Even called me and he ended the conversation with I love you! WOW Through Thanksgiving we maintained contact via text, Then when he was coming back to town.. feeling more confident.. I asked what he was doing when he got back.. He was cold again!… he was said he would call when he got in town. I did not hear so I called and he did not answer his phone. The pattern was back ! I was angry no more bury and stuff.. and I sent a text saying I thought it was rude to not attempt any communication… and that I did not deserve that told him that it made me feel unimportant and was that was he meant to convey? I figured if I did not state clearly what I expected he would not respect me. His response was. Yes it was rude and he was sorry but he had been feeling pursued and pressured to feel and say things that were not in his heart . He said that he loved me as a “dear friend” but was not in love with me and he sought space and solitude to seek his true feelings !! sorry to hurt me!. What a coward not even a face to face talk. Pursued and pressured?? I may have guided but followed his lead. I did not twist his arm! What a cop out! I will not contact him again, but have a feeling he will me. I dont know.

    While I love him deeply more than I thought I had a capacity to love anyone..but I have to say enough is enough. There is nothing but pain and tears. No matter the approach I get the same result. Any suggestions?

    Tuesday, 2 December 2008 @ 5:39pm

79. 79: Lynn says:

    Ok. At least all of you got some answer of why it was over. I have been with this person for 2 years and 6 months. He is an alcoholic and stood by his side all theses years. I know at the end I became “nagging” to him and voice my opinions of what should be done ect ect. We have been on and off through the whole relationship. The longest was for over 2 months. We had gotten back together after the 2 month and he said he never wanted to leave me and that he realize I was important to him ect ect…. so now we are back in the same boat, but this time it is different. One day he just stop calling,texting, and emailing. He never said “good bye”. It has been a month since I have heard from him. How could he do this to me? I tried to call him, text him, and I finally emailed him a “good bye” letter. How sad to do it through email, but he didn’t give me a chance to say it face to face. I dare not go find him and ask why. Why should I. At time I am so sad of why he didn’t tell me face to face. Very hurt.

    Tuesday, 2 December 2008 @ 5:44pm

80. 80: Lynn says:

    Linda..wow I feel your pain. I too am in the same boat. I have not contacted mine though. It’s hard, but I have to think of myself first this time and let him be. I do love mine too, but I can’t go on playing his “mind games”. He has hurt me enough and I know he has too much pride to contact me ever again. I know I am playing games along with him-BUT I had his number blocked from my phone so I don’t know if he ever calls or texts. I was having a hard time with my phone -checking it every 5 minutes to see if he text the first two weeks, after awhile it was hard- so I did myself a favor and blocked his phone number as well as his email address. I do not need this in my life – I love myself too much, but I know it is hard at times, but you have to mean it when you say “enough is enough”. I always threaten to leave him, but never did. He did me a favor and left me. I hope you are feeling better.

    Tuesday, 2 December 2008 @ 5:51pm

81. 81: Trisha says:

    Dear Linda: when we are IN the midst of the situation it’s so hard to SEE the truth bec our emotions are clouded by deception. i feel you are at the level of hurting as i was over a year ago. i was so attracted to my boyfriend that i didn’t SEE we were a train wreck waiting to happen. People would stop us on the sidewalk telling us how “good” we “looked together.” In retrospect, i always felt our style of communicating was not meshing yet it felt SO good to be with him AND at the time, i was starving for attention and love. This guy has had 4 failed marriages, 3 kids somewhere out there, drove a crap car yet his “masks” kept me wanting him back. See, at first if we are not AWARE of our TRUE feelings inside of us, we allow the good feelings (even though they are false attractions) to keep us deceived. We keep hoping and wishing and praying and expecting the relationship to change and although it may appear that way for a while (as you found out) the pattern is still there. Why are we so surprised when it happens? They are being and doing what they know to do and be. Perhaps through your pain and fear you will be able to center yourself long enough to get another perspective on things. Seeing things never really felt quite real or right. Like they were off balance but you hung in there anyway, like i did. Did you ever honestly feel a TRUE heart connection with this guy? Not just from yourself either. Perhaps you two never went deep enough into your cores. Somewhere along the way you two were not connecting. i notice you lost your “no sex therory” when alcohol was a part of the night. i’ve experienced it goes together like peanut butter and jelly!
    My man might have looked good on the outside yet the TRUTH was (and still is) he did nothing to support my emotional well being. i love what Rori said,”Never EVER be exclusive with a man UNTIL you have what you want in terms of commitment and feel totally secure and to turn your attention to yourself.”
    Until we take this advice and use it, we will continue to be mislead, overlook the masks, be off balance, mismatched, hoping and praying for them to change (we can only change our own perspectives).
    We need to “wake up”. As you found out Linda, even after he called you back, spent time with you and said some nice stuff….the TRUE pattern (which was always
    there) resurfaced. You were so surprised. The Reality of it all still reared itself to the surface. I am feeling it safe to say you and this guy are not the best for each other. For me, rejection is a GOOD thing. It lets me know either i’m too wonderful for them or they are not compatable with me. When our perceptions are distorted, we wind up so hurt and fragmented. i feel it’s time for you to start using Rori’s tools and doing things differently then you have in the past. “To GET what you’ve never had you have to DO what you’ve never done.” Pause… and think about this.

    Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 11:15am

82. 82: Mocha says:

    To Trisha: Thanks and I couldn’t agree with you more!
    I would like to add that we as women also have the “things will be different with me if…” Meaning, I recently went to Atlanta to go on a date with a college mate of mine that I always liked but we travelled in different circles. The date went well and of course he wanted to have sex. He all along knew he didn’t want a long distance relationship nor could he have committed to a long distance sexual thing. I know this because we talked and I listened. I did think at first – hey I can have sex and he will change his mind. But it’s safe to say that no we did not have sex. So my point is that we tend to disillusion ourselves thinking we can change a man’s mind.

    This was something I experienced with my “uncertain” man. All of his past relationships never amounted to anything further. He told me that there was one girl he would have married had she being willing to wait a little longer. Another relationship he stated that he wasn’t ready for a commitment and said that if the woman would have waited to see what was going to happen he may have been ready. So this is the pattern and yes I am stuck in the middle – waiting to see if he will come around. Don’t get me wrong, I am dating and living life but as you see I say my “uncertain” man because that’s how things have been left – no I don’t want anything with you or yes I do – a holding pattern. It’s been said that a man will not tell the truth even if it’s the best thing to do. Right now his actions are speaking volumes and we have not spent any time together nor have we communicated in any form in over two weeks. And I feel that a joke email doesn’t require much thought so it’s safe to say we haven’t really communicated.

    I’m in a better place and have accepted that it is what it is with this situation. And as Trisha says, do something different – I do not reach out to this man in any way unless it is to respond back to him. Also, I’m taking my time, being more conscious.

    Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 11:36am

83. 83: Maria says:

    Bommers man…I drank a little bit too much last night and as soon as I got home I called the idiot up and of course he didn’t pick-up…and being another bigger idiot myself I left him 3 voice mails….urrrrrrrrrhhhhh! I feel so angry at myself…and all the while I thought well I’ll just leave him feeling messages…how lame! this morning when I looked at my phone on calls I’ve made after noticing my drama queen act…urrrrrrrrhhh! I just wanted to die, really…don’t even remember what I said either….all day I’ve been beating myself-up…and he’s probably laughing it off….did anyone of you ever done this? how about driving at night pass his house? oh man, oh man…it’s like a drug or something?

    Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 2:47pm

84. 84: Linda says:

    Thanks for your comments. The man I wrote about.. he and I did go deep into our cores as you asked Trisha. I have never been there with anyone in my life. He did support me emotionally. He asked me what I needed, how I was, would not let me say “fine”, would look deeply into my eyes and searched to make sure I was telling the truth. He even said to me.. after I said wow you blow my mind with all the ways you love me. He said, I wake up every morning and ask myself “how can I love Linda today, how can I bless her?” I fell sooo deeply in love with him.

    I think he feels insecure and inadequate and really found what he was looking for in me and it scared him. He said to me recently that he was afraid of loving and being loved. But, no matter what I did or said or did not do he distanced himself. I am in love with him, the best version of himself, but there are things I can not live with. Lieing, dishonesty, etc. He said he needed to seek out his true feelings, but I suppose as far as I am concerned he has done that. It hurts so much to not be loved by him. He drew me out and dropped me. He probably does not even give me a thought or feel bad at all. I am trying to move on but it is as if my soul is tied to him. I try to convience myself that it was all counterfiet. My battle consumes me.

    I will not contact him, I have more respect than that for myself. He still has stuff at my house ! Ughhh. I need help!!!

    Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 5:03am

85. 85: Linda says:

    To add to my latest comment. I wanted to say that I was pursued by him for months before I openned up to him. Yes I had needs. Came out of a long passionless marriage 27 years !… He too. (25 years) I did not go into this as a fling.. he knew because I clearly articulated it to him and what was my goal was. He said he wanted the same thing. I also wanted to add that the connection we had for over a year was not one sided. I dont know how anybody could keep up such a convincing act it it was one… if you could see the things he wrote.. oh my! At any rate I do think at this point in time he is the loser here. He is the one that is decieved and sees me as a trap or a end to something I dont know.

    I wish I could afford some of the packages that Rori offers here. All I can do is read the blog and try to piece together what to do. I am living on my own now and have just enough to make it monthly. I appreciate your words and help.

    Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 5:31am

86. 86: Mocha says:

    Maria,

    I have done all of the things you have mentioned when I was not where I am today. Yes and I have beat myself up over it. It’s OK girl! It happens – just chalk it up to a temporary moment of insanity!

    Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 6:47am

87. 87: Trisha says:

    Dear Linda, Please believe me when i tell you i WAS where you ARE! More than once i might confess. Until i worked through my fears and saw through new perceptions could i get myself to a higher ground.
    i, too, am unable to purchase Rori’s awesome packages (they are priced way to high for my simple cashier job paycheck) so i have grown from the emails and this blog. Thank God Rori gives generously in these areas. Keep reading them no matter what. It might take longer but time is what you have right now. Take the baby steps like she suggests.
    Listen, like you, i know the challenge of the pursuit the man takes until he conquers his quest. Like i said before, if you’ve got false attractions going on like i DID, everything feels good in the beginning until…the true ones always come to the surface. FEAR has to be dealt with. Fear, i have experienced, is the main obstacle to a healthy relationship. Fear of being alone, fear of not saying or doing the right thing, fear he’s only using us, fear you won’t accept each other for who you really are, OH …i could go on and on. When you can embrace that fear, acknowledge it and see THROUGH IT…you will then thank yourself (and whatever higher energy you believe in). It’s not about ignoring it or trying to push it away. Rori advises to see yourself as a fountain where the water is always replenishing itself. Being the “pond” , you get to a place where every resource you NEED is WITHIN YOU.
    i used to have melt downs every other day over a year ago. The emotional loss (addiction to him) was almost more than i could bear. i missed all his attention, his caring, his boyish smile, his helping hand, his soft spoken “Hey baby” when he’d call. Again, i could go on and on. My focus was on him, not on me. It was almost as if i didn’t matter. Then i started the beating up on myself over all the things i did or might have done.
    Linda, if you pray…pray for strength and the desire to go to a higher place. You will see things differently once you get THROUGH this painful process of letting go (this doesn’t mean you don’t CARE) and creating new boundries for yourself. Please LEARN from all this bec to me, this is what it’s all about. With every goodbye…we LEARN.
    As for feeling like you are “tied” to him….it’s called a “soul tie” which comes in through sex. When we join ourselves in this most intimate way it “ties” us to them. We GIVE (intertwine) ouselves into them. This is why i cut the sex OFF last year. This year, not being shackled to him through sex, i have grown in leaps and bounds. Geez, when i think about how many times i gave in to sleeping with the man i was in love with at the time, it’s no wonder i felt fragmented and torn apart. There was a piece of me all over the place. Anyway, that’s each person’s choice. For me~ no commitment~ no sex.
    My healing thoughts go out to you, Linda and that you will continue to move forward, work through the fears and you will find yourself in a most contented, peaceful, joyful and victorious place. i know, bec i’m there.

    Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 9:07am

88. 88: Linda says:

    Trisha

    I am sure there is a new higher place. The emotional loss is something I have been working through since August. My attachment was so strong… I no longer crave him. Yes I was focused on him but under that layer was me ! and my goals. I dont need him but desire him still.

    In light of everything I still feel he deep down is a good man and that is the man that I love and want. We were the best of companions, emotionally connected, intimately bonded, talked about everything, hobbies, work ethics, spending habbits, faith, backgrounds, lifestyles. Compatible to the inth degree! It is hard for me to give up on this man It is HIS FEAR that is an issue here. He said to me more than once if you really knew me would you still like/love me. Finally he said he knew that I would. I created an atmosphere of trust and he knew that. Under all this stuff is a man who is insecure, feels inferior and worthless. He does not love or respect himself nor do his children sadly. I can not rescue him but am a strong woman and would/could help support. He bailed. I know. He walked from what he said to me..and I quote…. A beautiful woman inside and out and the best thing that has ever happened to him. He is the one with the problems that has to be worked out.

    I am not afraid. Never was. I know how to be alone, lived that way for years in my marriage. Do I want to be alone no, but it no longer drives me to settle for anyone or any type of attention good or bad. My ex husband never closed the door to me. We remain friends and he still loves me. If I was afraid I would/could “run home”. I am not going to do that. It is not best for me.

    I press into God and talk. I know about soul ties. If I am tied to him why is he not tied to me? Is he? perhaps that is what keeps the cycle going. I pray every day for God to sever it but it remains. I feel like I have been living in a vat of poison and at least my head is above it and clearing now. My heart should be so hidden in God that a man will have to seek God to find it. In my attempt to make things work out with us O got lost and lost my healthy focus. Through this I have drawn lots of new boundries, discovered what is really important to me. The whole package has to be offered for me to yeild and commit down the road. Will thing between us change. Is it possible yes. All things are possible. Will it happen I dont know. Do I still want it to Absolutely.! Waiting is not inactive. I will get my feet under me and keep walking. Thanks for listening and responding.

    I am no spring chicken but I got LOTS of great wisdom and love to offer. I have to believe I will be treasured because I treasure me. I am thankful for who I am but sad that I have been rejected for now by someone who I loved with all my heart and actually still do. I am looking for the whole package.. passion, trust and commitment and I believe it will happen if not.. there is no point getting up every day.

    I am looking for the tools to improve myself this is a great place to learn those. I will combine those with the faith I have always had in God the author of love and see what happens.

    Friday, 5 December 2008 @ 5:19am

89. 89: Linda says:

    Lynn… You did get an answer. I watched a movie the other night. There was a line in it spoken by an achololic. They said. Us acholoics are into hurting ourselves and causeing our own pain. In that mode.. nothing else matter. It is not until the person who is sick sees it an wants better that they can love. We cant rescue anybody. Supporting them may seem the way to go but… they wont see it like that. Even though it is the truth. Sicknesses like that distort truth and everything looks different to the person that is sick. Often times.. our battles point to our deficiencies and they beg for our attention that is the result of pain, It causes fruit in our lives. We can either heed it and respond or stuff and bury. Moving on does not mean you dont care. Who knows the the next day brings for us. Look for what you want and draw your boundries. Then hold on to what is most important and live. If this person gets well.. then reassess the relationship. If not that is his loss.

    Monday, 8 December 2008 @ 5:00am

90. 90: Trisha says:

    Dear Linda, i so agree with you about the person being sick and stuffing and burying and punishing themselves. i know FIRST HAND!
    It’s ANY addiction. My boyfriend of 4 years is sick with compulsive gambling. i didn’t know about it for 2 years. Read my story above sometime.
    i had to see the whole relationship through the place within myself called Unconditional Love and let it bring me to the place of setting new boundries. This man gets help when he’s totally flushed his entire paycheck down the casino toilet bowl.
    The anger i felt was hurting ME! He would actually think by telling me he did it again, i would continue on with the relationship.
    This is a relationship i truly wanted. His essence is kindness and giving and i loved him so much i kept letting him come back. Like you say, until they “seek the help they need and SEE they are sick….”
    He came by the other day and i used my feelings words. The visit was short lived and before he left, he reached out his arms to hug me. i leaned back and said,” J, i love you and i don’t want your hug.” He was like, “what??”
    i set new boundries for myself and kept to them. He couldn’t believe i didn’t NEED or want one of his hugs.
    He’s called me several times and i do not return them. Either this guy gets some real help or he can move on.
    Perhaps with this door closed a new one will open up for a better man to enter in. One more worthy of me. One who can be trusted and relied upon to be responsible.
    By the way, there is a classic movie starring Lee Remick and Jack Lemmon, “The Days of Wine and Roses”. This movie opened my eyes to the true sadness of what one must do in order to keep thier own sanity and self esteem even though he was the one who brought her into HIS mess (like J was trying to do with me).
    Bless you.

    Monday, 8 December 2008 @ 9:47am

91. 91: Linda says:

    Trisha

    I have re read alot of the posts since I chimmed in here on this topic. I have looked more closely at yours as well. You have a lot of wisdom and I closely identify with you and the place you are with things.

    It has been two weeks since I said “enough is enough” I fight the urge to text or email. I have won that battle. I have went through this week and destroyed all the tapes I play in my head… the ones that keep me focused on him and they way I wish thing were between he and I. I have deliberatly been forcing myself to play only reality tapes instead. You know the ones that say.. “if he loved you he would be with you right now”, or “He lied, cheated and disrespected me and dismantled our relationship needlessly”. I actually became so angry this week as a result of playing those tapes that I actually was revolted at the thought of seeing him again. This is a part of healing.

    There have been some other posts from Rori that I have written (The truth from a Man) and (Take him with you) in December. My healing continues. It is a process. It is Christmas time too and that makes it harder but I am hanging in there and becoming stronger.

    I have looked back at all the things in my life before him and during him. All of it, the good, the bad and the ugly and embrace them. They are the things that have made me who I am today. I call these “grace points” now. Instead of things that I beat myself up over and wish I could fix or redo.!! Accepting the fact that I even still love the man who is no longer in my life is healing too. It helps me be honest with myself and helps me have inner peace. I am proud of the way I loved him. I can look in the mirror and dont have remorse. Even when he was not with me I was with him. Did that hurt.. did the rejection sting OH YES!.. It brought all kinds of uglies to the surface for me but instead of blameing myself like I have always done..I have been dealing with them one by one. These are things I can hug and love myself for and smile about and I am proud of that.

    I read a prayer yesterday. It simply said God I give you all my relationships, the ones that bring me happiness and pain, the ones that are whole as well as the broken ones. And.. asking him to watch over and work in them all. After you understand yourself and accept was is what more can a person really do.

    Saturday, 13 December 2008 @ 9:15am

92. 92: Maria says:

    Rory, l picked up something from one of Mochas commet in earlier posts – l know it makes total sense, but can u please explain, why is it not goot to drive, fly, go, walk to a man?

    Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 7:34pm

93. 93: Mocha says:

    Maria, Thank your for your concern regarding my post about travelling to Atlanta for a date – and Rori would love your feedback to both Maria and I. I guess I should also add that not only did I go on a date with a collegue form college but my trip was not centered around him. I have friends that live there who I also visited and I had never spent time in Atlanta except to transfer to another plane a time or two. So it wasn’t a trip solely to go on a date and as Rori mentioned in her latest post – “Should I ignore him or Let him in” when I reunited with this guy I used a football game between our teams to set the tone. He lost the bet and I offered to travel to Atlanta since I have not been to see my friends sinve they moved – this was a perfect opportunity. I was able to get out of town and get out of my own head for a weekend, visit my friends without succumbing to their schedules and not succmbing to being joined at the hip to this potential date.

    Hope this sheds a little more light on my trip which by the way, the relationship is going to be nothing more than a friendship which I feel really good about. IT seems that our interests don’t align and that’s cool with me. I could have slept with him and things could have been awkward but now we can talk trash via text without feeling any pressure and when I see him again we can relax around one another without any negative thoughts or feelings because we didn’t go there! I feel empowered by my decision and the results because it save me a lot of energy and mind toiling. I have a good person that when I do taravle back to Atlanta I can call up to hang out without any pressure as to what will happen! Besides life throws us curve balls all the time – who knows what may happen! But at least for now, I don’t have any expectations with this guy and can be myself without any pressure.

    Sunday, 21 December 2008 @ 12:01pm

94. 94: Maria says:

    Thank you Mocha, the reason l asked this, was that l have done it in my past and it always has a “curse” with it. The moment l walked the extra mile, all seemed to fall down.

    Monday, 22 December 2008 @ 4:58am

95. 95: Mocha says:

    Maria, that’s why I love you guys on here! We have each others back and best interest at heart! I understand it’s not something that Rori encourages in her tools – we are supposed to let the men come to us and I agree to a certain point. But what in my mind made my trip seem as though I wasn’t travelling to meet a man was that I had a chance to visti others in the area. My therapist commended me in taking the chance because let’s face it what harm could have been done in making the trip? The guy and I went out and had a great time. When the second game between our two teams came up again, I asked if he wanted to bet again, and instead of playing games he stated that our interests didn’t align and during our outing I was able to pay attention to his words and not confuse them with his actions. Meaning, his actions showed me that he wanted to sleep with me but his words were simply “not wanting to get into a long distance relationship.” Because of Rori’s tools, I was able to read between the lines and decide that I didn’t want a hit and run which would have later turned out bad (me calling and he not ansering or him not calling at all afterwards) and a friendship would have been lost.

    I feel the key here is if you decide to make such a trip, don’t have any expectations about the outcome and don’t make it all about the guy. I believe that if my friends did not live there I would have relied on the guy to make me a priority while there which for me comes off as being needy and clingy. Since I did have my other friends, I didn’t feel that way. In fact, I had not planned on seeing him that Friday but he made contact with me and came to my hotel. He reached out to me and as Rori tells us I opened up and let him in.

    Hope this helps for any future excursions you may be planning! Good luck!

    Monday, 22 December 2008 @ 5:31am

96. 96: Maria says:

    Thank you Mocha, it certainly does and since l literally “met” Rory, l have maintained a step-by-step whift and getting more aware of the stuff.

    Friday, 26 December 2008 @ 8:04am

97. 97: need instructions! says:

    hi rori,
    i have been with a man for 12 years and we have children.He has always provided for us financially.2 years ago we broke up and he had met another woman long distance and says he never slept with her but it was painful as he actually was treating her the way i wanted to be treated as far as loving behavoir goes.emails i found and texts made me so jealous inside because HE was really chasing this girl!well he says it meant nothing but problems became huge between us and we also had financial problems due to his poor business skills handling large amounts of money from his company.I was always trying to tell him what to do and doing EVERYTHING wrong as far as your advice is concerned.the past 2 years have been a horrible time in my kids and my life.he has walked in and out of our hose,staying with freinds ect.
    We have always remained exclusive having sex…so he says.i found myself with low self esteem and just depressed alot due to the ups n downs ,highs and lows.He would always keep me strung alng thinking he was moving back home and all would be fine.he actually got an apartment about 6 months ago and i feel now like its really over.he used to be loving in bed,in texts ect.now he seems cold and uncaring and is calling alot less,bareley.He has a ‘freind who i heard is beautiful young and is the opposit of me”for about a year.she has met my kids and hung out with them alot when he has them at his house.He tells me im the only one he will ever love .The few times i went out and talked to men he was very jealous and MAD.i want my family back together and have just recently stopped yelling .screaming,and fighting him leaving because U MAKE ALOT OF SENSE..what little respect he has for me i want to preserve and if he doesnt want us its ok i guess it was just so confusing to me that if he has a girlfreind why he wouldnt tell me and try n convince me its a freind!
    He would stay at my house and be with kids and visit up until 4 months ago,then he stopped and kept them at his house where his ‘freind’came round all the time to hang out’.
    after reading your book and in the past 2 weeks i have tried my hardest to follow your RULES with him and while he seems cold and distant still..no i love you in a month ect.and lots of previous fighting stopped by me not’butting in to HIS BUSINESS” he seemes a lil softer ,calls once a day at least to tell me about his day,asked to stay at my house with me and kids on his visit.
    well we did have sex,i broke a rule because he attacked me to have sex lol and i wasnt loving and receiving.in the the short while we had sex he was telling me he only wanted me and no rumors i heard were true and he had no girlfreind.I felt like a vulnerable kid wanting his love and liked the passion he displayed but was tied up in knots trying not to speak back so i wouldnt blow up and freak out(my pattern that drives him away i think)after we wached a movie with my kids and fell asleep cuddled up with his arms around me.next day he stayed all day but their was a cold distance i felt and i never went “to” him.kept following your rules.i was open to receive if he came but he never came exept to hug me before he left.when he left i felt bad almost used..angry that he wanted to leave but i kept it in ,shut my mouth and have been not contacting him unless im responding to him calling or texting me.im worried he cant miss me because he feels he has me locked down with all the kids and wen he is away its outa sight outa mind!If he did love me and want me he would be here right?Or is this the beginning of the energy shift and the boat is just wafting waiing for him to pick up the oars?He has always said in regard to us not being together or getting back it was ‘all in my hands’im confused worse now that i dont talk to him about us and he hasnt mentioned a thing .I beleive he has a girlfreind and is on the fence about us,whether he should come out with it,maybe im wrong.I want him back with me.am i doing this the right way?any pointers i feel like “something is changing”in only a couple weeks time with just me not acting like we r together-cuz we r not,not expecting anything from him,pretty much acting like i have no right asking anything about his life or money-his business..its so hard after raising a family for ten years and being so close but im doing it and its hard letting go!please help rori .How do i behave in regards to this other woman..like she doesnt matter to “our” relationship?I just want him to genuinley want only me and to chase and please me with no effort on my part…im drained now and lonely.For ten years he would never leave me even for 1 night no matter what…now he is gone is their any hope or am i the other woman now in a imaginary relationship?im soo confused if his heart is still mine.

    Thursday, 15 January 2009 @ 8:37am

98. 98: need instructions! says:

    I left out that he is working 2 jobs and is having huge financial problems and is very angry and depressed alot towards me and sometimes i feel like he resents the fact that he supports us 100%.my kids also have behavioral issues and school problems now and thats a big strain on our relationship too.The risk of him falling in love with someone with no problems,thats free and he doesnt ‘NEED’ to help live worries me if he is escaping us as a burden..again i could be wrong and i’m trying to catch my “little voice” that keeps telling me stuff but am confused if thats the reality.thanks

    Thursday, 15 January 2009 @ 8:51am

99. 99: Linda says:

    Dear Need Instructions

    I am obviously not Rori, but I have lived through a man being there with me and then pulling away. I am not with him now. He left me. I pinned for him and he was the one unfaithful !. All I wanted for a long time was for him to come back and the longing got worse as more time passed. I have no contact with him at all. My situation is different than yours.. there are no children involved. But I am well acquainted with the confusion and pain and longing. The scattered thinking and then directing it. Looking for answers and not finding anything that worked.

    Everything I read I tried and the end result is I learned some things but I did not get him back into my life. I had so many confusing signals from him. Cold impersonal texts, to ending conversations with him saying I love you… to..no contact to.. making love like we used to. oh and then there were the excuses… He gave me lots of excuses why he was distant.. his personal money issues, his ex, his poor relationship with his kids… you name it. Bottom line is he was involved with someone else behind my back. He was a cheater and lied to me.

    Relationships are hard, it is harder when they involve or bring another person inbetween you as yours has done. Let me say a couple of things to you. Like the title of this post… put your energy on you, focus on yourself not so you can win him back but so you will feel better and become stronger. Respect yourself do what is right for you. Dont put him in the center of your life anylonger.. Who are you, be that woman if you dont know then go find her. If you like I found… lost yourself in this relationship then go find yourself and hold tight.

    There is no person in the world that does not have problems. The gal he is with has a whole slew of them he just is not seeing them right now but they are there. It wont be long before they surface. Dont believe that lie. Your man has carried all of his baggage into that relationship too.. he wont escape them for long. He has history with you, you may have written some yucky chapters but … love yourself focus on you not him. I know it hard it feels impossible. Love your kids..wait and see what happens. I wrote a post in wanting your ex back that Rori responded to. Go read it. I stopped spinning all my plates and found peace. I am alone but I found myself and I like me. That is the first step to healing.

    Linda

    I have a post

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 3:25pm

100. 100: Trisha says:

     Dear Need Instructions:
     i agree with Linda in regards to focusing on yourself.
     December was a full year i have been practicing Rori’s tools. They ALL worked. i did have to write her and ask her advice on what happened to me a few weeks ago. My man came by (yep, he still comes by) and he brought up the relationship (something i stopped doing a year ago). i was using my feeling messages when all of a sudden he abruptly got off the couch, grabbed his keys and said,”It’s always about your feelings isn’t it? Well what about mine??!” He then proceeded to the back door and left with the walls shaking with his exit! i just stayed where i was and took some deep breaths, felt the feelings and let him go. See, my old ways would have sent me running after him and trying to settle everything down bec “i didn’t want to lose him”. ARRGH! when i think about it now, i cringe! Since practicing Rori’s tools, i am so much more in control. He did this, in my opinion, for attention. i stopped having sex with him a year ago. He just doesn’t matter that much to me anymore. i’m not involved in all his drama and excuses. i’ve been bridgeing and have 3 dates lined up as i write this. i got myself hired for a vocal and piano instructor and even got my self another part time job to keep my mind off of him. The vibes around me now are so strong he doesn’t know whether to leave or stick around. i’m bored with him anyway. Let me encourage you in this new form of “selfishness”….it feels great to finally believe in yourself and know you are worth more than these pain in the a** men who think they can use a good woman. i’m determined to find my “happy ever after” like Rori says. i’m done trying to ask for the emotional connection i want from those who just don’t have what it takes. We HAVE to keep moving forward in our talents, abilities and skills which were given to us to be appreciated, not turned into getting crumbs.
     When you get better your choices get better.
     Blessings and God’s Grace to you.

     Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:55pm

101. 101: Rori Raye says:

     Trisha – FANTASTIC! You are so on your way to your Happy Ever After – just keep doing what you’re doing. “Bored” with the man who doesn’t treat you in a way that feels GOOD is a GREAT word and a great feeling here…Love, Rori

     Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 6:32pm

102. 102: Erin says:

     Rori: Help

     My boyfriend had asked for some space and obviously I was devistated. Not shocked though. While I at one time I wanted to save our relationship, but I started doubting if he was capable of really loving someone or being loved.

     Background: His father took him away from his mother at age 7 and never saw her again. His father told him that his mother did not want him and did not want any part of him. He never became close to his father and when his father remarried he always resented his father and stepmother. He was married for 10 years and his wife cheated on him 3 separate times. Two months after his divorce he was in a relationship for 9 months and then one for 6 months and me for 2 years. He told me he was going to marry me some day and he loved me so much that he was never going to leave me. Of course I totally fell in love with him. Something I had not felt in such a long time after a failed 20 year marriage of my own. We did not see each other all the time as he traveled a lot. But kept in touch by phone and texting. He met my kids and I met his. We all got along great. Went on vacations together. But it seemed the closer we got the farther away he became – if that makes sense. He found is real mom about a year ago and finally met her. He found out that what his dad said was all a lie and his father kidnapped him and refused his mothers attempts to contact him. He refused to talk to his father about it – saying what good would it do. I asked him if he thought if he needed to see a counselor and he said yes, but never did. AFter this our relationship was never the same. He became more and more distant, on top of everything his job was falling a part. I just tried to be positive. When I would see him he would be depressed and tired and I spent the time playing with his daughter. I tried to be fun and upbeat, but it never helped. I started to have to initiate everything, when we would see each other and sex. We no longer had alone dates, they were always with his daughter, which I was ok with, but it was hard to talk and get close with her there. Soon his job pretty much blew up and he told me he needed a break from everything.

     It’s been 3 months since then, we kept in contact for a while – me initiating, but I eventually told him that I could not do this any more and I needed to start living my life again. He just simply said fine and started dating someone else.

     During our relationship I was playful and upbeat, mostly because we did not spend a lot of time together and I did not want to ruin the short time we had together. When I would bring up things he said he could not talk about anything right now – that he could not deal with it. He constantly began to cancel our dates at the last minute. Usually, right before we were going to meet or he was going to pick me up. He got upset because I was upset. He would then refuse to talk to me for days until he was ready to talk again. He would never discuss it, just pretended nothing happened when he finally did talk. All very frustrating. I know I did not handle everything perfect, but I tried. He told me I made him uncomfortable when I would do things special for him or told him I loved him. He said he hated disappointing people and he knew he was disappointing me, but never tried to figure out a way to make things work for the both of us. I keep beating myself up on what I could have done differently, but I don’t know if there was anything.

     Just looking for some help in maybe what I should have done or tell me what I need to do so this does not happen again. It still hurts so much, because I still really love him.

     Thanks for reading.

     Erin

     Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 12:39pm

103. 103: Daria says:

     Hi Erin… I feel worried Rori might not see your post here as quickly… try posting under the most recent post…

     I feel sad reading your post and I know you will get lots of support here from Rori and all of us…

     Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 4:40pm

104. 104: PRPG says:

     Hi Rori

     It would mean so much to me if you could read this post and offer some words of wisdom Rori…….I hope it is not too all over the place

     I’ve only posted a couple of times and am generally new to the whole concept of Goddess -ness, leaning back and feeling messages etc. Sometimes i feel so lost, every bit of progress i make is usually undone by a stupid petty fight or me not being able to keep quiet any longer, and of course at times like that the last thing im able to do is articulate feeling messages.

     I feel so encouraged reading this blog, I feel less alone knowing everyone is on their own journey and kind of draw strength from reading about their experiences.

     Iv come to learn that I am very controlling and this need to control is born of a fear of the unknown, specifically in a relationship.. Any time I feel threatened or can’t predict an outcome I panic and start asking him millions of questions, to which I have a seem to have a set of answers in my head, and when he doesnt say exactly what i want to hear i freak out. Is this common?

     I feel guilty for being so desperate and needing of reassurance but believe iv made some sort of progress bc now at least I can recognise it and still love myself in spite of it. I so want to change though and become carefree and LIVE IN THE MOMENT! Every day, every conversation with and pertaining to my bf and I am alert, listening, watching, waiting for any clue that I could get hurt, be rejected, be abandoned (its like deep in my heart I believe this would be what I deserve, even tho I conciously and with my mind tell myself I AM worthy, I just do not always feel it). He always says he just wants me to relax and be happy but I just think too much. I have played out so many negative scenarios in my head like him leaving, cheating etc, i think i do this so as to be prepared. I feel like if I expect the worst I cant be disappointed. I think maybe I punish him subconciously because I believe he will hurt me. I think I think too much. lol

     I feel I need to take ownership of my part of things. Ive jumped down his throat so many times about so many small things, he is sometimes bewildered like, what did I do? and all the time its because he is not conforming to what I want and how I want to control him. Is it good that I recognise these things about myself? I just think Ive played the victim too long.

     This whole week I thought I was leaning back but it yielded only a few results, and last nite he said the last while Iv been so off to him. So I felt good that he’d at least noticed but crappy because he’s been taking it as bitchiness instead of seeing that Im focusing on me. sigh.

     How can I stop thinking Rori? Just read your post on Anger and I think that will be helpful to me. I find all of this so difficult I think because I have few friends and so he has become practically the main focus in my life. I wish sometimes that I could just go out and have fun and not worry bout him bt since I am virtually alone here I wait for him like a little puppy, I think he resents this on some level as it makes him feel guilty.

     I guess there are a few issues here but definitly think that if i was able to shift my focus it would help. But often when Im somewhere without him i keep wondering if he is even thinking bout me, is he glad im not around? See I can drive myself crazy sometimes. But he seems so disinterested sometimes. Ive been so tempted to cheat in the past but never have cos i know it would be For Him or Because of Him, not me and I would just feel and empty afterwards.

     Thanks again Rori for all your insight, it is God sent.

     Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 2:59am

105. 105: Rori Raye says:

     PRPG, I so wish I could give you all the answers and solutions in one short paragraph – but my “system” has many parts. Once you get them down, and understand what you’re doing – it becomes easy – it’s that practicing with men part – the Circular Dating – that makes this move so much faster.

     You have to first stop all things “controlling,” and simultaneously open up like an Invitation in a warm, vulnerable way. My ebook will start you on the process – it has the basics of the 4 Rules and Overfunctioning, and then Feeling Messages and then Listening at Level 2 and the Sensual Meditation. Practice those faithfully, and you’ll start to see results. Love, Rori

     My product catalog page is on the right on the blog – just under my picture, you can look at everything there, and get some more help, too. Love, Rori

     Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 11:11am

106. 106: Stalker says:

     When your boyfriend “wants his space” that is code for he wants to date and have sex with anyone except you that he wants but keep you on the back burner in case noone else wants to date or have sex with him besides you.He is using you.He is just not that into you so you should dump him pronto and move on immediately.He is playing with you and you should just throw him in the trash.A man who wants and loves you will call,will be there and will focus on how he can be of service to you today not vice versa.

     Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 12:19pm

107. 107: Madeline says:

     I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationship was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in my hands. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.

     Thursday, 19 February 2009 @ 3:03pm

108. 108: Nanette says:

     Rori -
     First and foremost – thank you! I subscribed to your e-publications and have gotten SO much from them. A relationship I was in (if that’s what you want to call it-) was so complacent that I was miserable. Once I read your email newsletters I really started to see my truly awefull patterns. What was establised over the course of 1-1/2 years however, began to turn around almost overnight. I started to value myself more than him or the “relationship.” I put myself first and before I knew it, everything was changing; my outlook, the way people responded to me and even the way I carried myself (and the unexpected attention from other [younger!] men doesn’t hurt). Now, I’ve crossed over to the grown-up world of not wanting a “man” but a RELATIONSHIP while he’s stuck in the emotional apex of indecision. If it doesn’t work out, I know now that I can move forward.

     My encouragement to others – hang in there! Your value is far above any treasure and you deserve someone that knows it and will fight for it!

     I’m
     Terrific in Texas!

     Tuesday, 10 March 2009 @ 9:40am

109. 109: Reba says:

     My boyfriend and I are both 55 and divorced. We have been dating 1-1/2 years. We spend almost all weekends together even though we live only 6 miles apart. I drive to his house on Friday and stay until Sunday night. We either go out for meals or I cook and occasionally he will cook. We sometimes go out with friends, or to plays, or to work out. He has a son in college who will be coming home for spring break soon. Recently he told me he thinks we spend too much time together since we are together all weekend. He says we need to be apart sometimes to do things alone. I do agree with that and told him I sometimes stayed around because I thought that’s what he wanted. He said he is afraid to go into his home office because he thinks I will follow him there and that is his “cave” — and also where his computer is, though he didn’t say that. He said we need to not be together all weekend every day and night. Last year, during this same month, he said the same thing, that he needed time alone. It was right before his son was coming home from school. Also, his nature is to be a big flirt. He loves to say the women can’t keep away from him because of his great personality. I put up with the talk because it is nonsense. The day after he said he wanted us to spend less time together he called twice. He said it was just to see how my day was going. Then he didn’t call the last two days, though it is not unusual for him not to call for 2 or 3 days in a row. He claims he gets so busy at work that at night he just doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. He takes medications that make him tired. He also has a lot on his mind. I know he loves me as his girlfriend and sweetheart but he is not “in love” with me. I don’t intend to be his puppy dog and I am considering going on an online dating website because my girlfriend showed me a couple profiles of men I might enjoy getting to know. I don’t want to break it off with my boyfriend because we do get along so well when we are together. I do, however, at my age, feel a boyfriend would want to talk with me at least once every day just because he cares enough about me and to show me he cares. I don’t think it has ever been something he did with women in his life, but still I expect it in mine. Yes, I have mentioned it to him but he continues in his own way. He is very good to me when we are together. I try to weigh the not-so-good qualities against the good and find there are far more good qualities to him. Any thoughts?

     Wednesday, 11 March 2009 @ 7:04pm

110. 110: Rori Raye says:

     Reba, Welcome and the answer is not leave or stay – it’s to Circular Date. You date him, and you date other men – plain and simple. You only sleep with him (if that’s your agreement) – until you meet a man you’d rather sleep with – and STILL date this guy and everyone else. Okay – this is pretty provocative – but try it anyway. Go out now and have a great time with anyone who asks you. Online is fine. Flirting everywhere is fine. Smiling at men is great. If you need help with this, try my new Targeting Mr. Right program (it’s in the catalog page up in the right sidebar here) and let me know how it works for you.

     Love, Rori

     Wednesday, 11 March 2009 @ 7:28pm

111. 111: susan says:

     I’ve been with a fantastic guy for many years, but he recently and very suddenly broke up with me. He has been struggling with some form of depression and has issues with being assertive. There were also some sexual problems; I thought that if I gave him time then he would be able to sort them out in his own way. Now I feel that he has somehow associated all those problems with me. What should I do now?

     Friday, 13 March 2009 @ 2:11am

112. 112: susan says:

     I have a question that I haven’t been able to find much about: how to deal with “competitiveness” in a relationship in which both have the same level of education, very similar jobs, and a very similar outlook on life and career goals. Does competitiveness kill attraction / love?

     Friday, 13 March 2009 @ 4:01pm

113. 113: T.R. says:

     I have been reading different posts and blogging on them. I am just now beginning to circular date. About 2 weeks ago I told my boyfriend that we needed to take a break so we could both work through some things. He was sad but said he understood. He then told me a few days ago on more serious terms that “He needs a couple of weeks”. He has been feeling depressed and I feel does need to explore the root of that. However, now I am feeling sad and confused. Even though he said he needs a couple of weeks, he still calls everyday. I have been open with him when he calls, but I am not initiating any contact. He then told me tonight that he doesn’t understand why he is not falling in love. This comment helped me decide to go on a coffee date with another man, and hopefully “kick start” circular dating. What is the best way to respond to a man who sais he wants space, but then still calls you everyday?

     Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 12:52am

114. 114: Trisha says:

     Dear T R,
     keep searching these very informative blogs, reading Rori’s emails and putting into practice those tools which work for you. The main reason he’s still calling is, according to Rori, he doesn’t want to lose you. He knows you’ve been a good freind, you’re a good woman who cares deeply about him so…..perhaps he’s using you as a stepping stone in hopes and until he to findssomeone more suitable to himself.
     Be glad you already had someone else to go out with. My question is… where are all these men who want to take me out? I’ve been using these tools for over a year (because they do work) yet there are no string of guys knocking my door down for dates!
     Trisha

     Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 8:30am

115. 115: Trisha says:

     Dear Susan,
     for 5 years my man “insinuated” it was because of “me” that he would go gamble, not get himself back to school or be depressed or what ever else was “ailing” him. Through counceling and Rori’s help, i was able to see i had no power to change anyone but myself. i also see the fruitlessness of expectations as well. When we or others have EXPECTATIONS about HOW things SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be or go, we lose the power of EXPECTANTCY. Relationships deteriorate because we stop living in the moment of NOW. i have found a great many people actually try to control others behavior mostly through their expectations because they don’t know the future or what the outcome is going to be. When you don’t live up to THEIR expectations or perform the way THEY think you should, they try and make you feel guilty, shameful and start judging you according to what you did or DIDN’T do for them.
     If your boyfriend is depressed he may be looking for a scape goat in you instead of getting the help he really needs to get to the root of it.
     Trisha

     Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 8:54am

116. 116: Tia says:

     Dear Rori,

     First of all I wanted to apologize my English. I have been seeing a guy for months. He just send sms to me before we have a first big fight that he loves to talk and see me and misses me when we didn’t talk for a long time. One day we had a fight and he took me off his BBM and stick with text. He said it is nothing wrng. he just can’t do it right now. He asked me that why I have to live and die buy the bbm. He said I am too clingy and too much. I don’t know when to stop and he asked me for space and time to think. I gave him and 4 days later he add me back to his bbm and we talked again BUT we talked only another 4 days and the day before he took me of the bbm (2nd time
     ) we just had fun and happy, laughed. He said he needs to fix his life and cannot do what he used to do with me anymore(useing blackberry messager(bbm), sending picture on the phone)

     I thought he wanted to end the relationship and I told him that I know he wanted to end this. Please sitdown and talk and after we talk everything is going to be fine. Then he told me that I’ve got it all twisted. He just need time to think and I give him no space. I told him I will not text him until I have surgery (2 week after that day). The whold 11 days he didn’t contect me but we talked at work little bit. On my birthday, he didn’t even say happy birthday to me and I knew he has problem at work then I email to him and say I never mad at him and I am here to support him as much as I can do. I will give space and time to him. Please don’t take this as a negative. He answer me “I am not mad at you, just not in a right place. I am sorry for being so distant from you” I really don’t understand all of this. What should I do? Are we still ok or not? I can’t get any answer….

     We are not on the bbm anymore and small text. I really want him back. Can you please help me?

     thank you so much,
     Tia

     Friday, 5 June 2009 @ 1:16pm

117. 117: Rori Raye says:

     Tia – Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure what country you’re in or what your cultural background is – but it seems to me it’s figuring hugely in this. I’m going to very tough on you here, as softly as I can. I want you to read all the posts and comments here, and watch movies and TV shows about women who are STRONG. You have very, very low self-esteem, which means you think you are only okay with a man. And when you meet a man who’s good enough, you attach yourself to him. This particular man sounds very, very toxic – but the root cause of all this is how you value yourself. You do not value yourself, and so you only attract men who do not value you. I want to wish you well on your surgery – and on your journey to getting stronger inside yourself. Please forget about this man COMPLETELY. He’s completely not worthwhile for you, no matter how much you like him. He has done horrible things and neglected you horribly and been untruthful and careless. You do NOT want a man like him, no matter how much you like him. We’re here to support you in breaking your addiction to men in general and this man in particular. I know you can do this…it will take a bit of research and understanding to see how badly you’ve been treating yourself. I honor you – now YOU honor you! Love, Rori

     Friday, 5 June 2009 @ 4:27pm

118. 118: Tia says:

     Thank you Rori,

     I will try to forget about him as hard as I can. I don’t know why I still not mad all the horible things he did to me. I always think of all the wonderful things he had done for me in the past. I told him that I wanted to talk to him, to clear the air after my surgery so what should I say? should I ask all the question that I wanted to know the answer? all I should just don’t talk to him at all. I also just bough your program and looking forward to get it by mail soon…

     I wanted to be a strong woman!!!!!

     Love,
     Tia

     Sunday, 7 June 2009 @ 7:47pm

119. 119: Trisha says:

     Dear Tia,
     Perahps something happened in your childhood which caused guilt and shame to attach itself to you which would result in low self esteem. Perhaps you feel you need to be punished (allowing this man to hurt you so) or he himself has issues which cause him to seek weaker vessels so he can punish them! Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness”? This man’s “kindness”(niceness) might be what he does to feel better about his sorry self! It may not be about you as much as you what to think it is.
     Nothing in this life time has been easy for so many of us. Rori is interesting to learn from because she lived it. i can trust in her to tell me the truth. We, especially being woman, MUST come to the place of BELIEVING we ARE valuable, we ARE worth it. In order to do this, we have to RECEIVE the truth. The TRUTH being, we ARE lovable enough, we ARE touchable, we ARE loved. Rori states these facts over and over again. It’s called REPETITION! Me, being a vocal/piano coach, it really IS the only way for my students to learn the material. They will complain to me, “but it’s too hard…” i tell them, “it’s only hard to you right now because you’ve never done it before and you think you can’t because you haven’t been shown how.”
     We have to do more than AFFIRM these statements…we have to state out loud that we CHOOSE to believe a certain truth about ourselves until it becomes a part of our next breath!
     Passivity and Self Pity are two big enemies for me. Passivity robs me of my creativity and self pity wants me to drown in a pool of traumatic tears and neither of these emotions have a right to pull me into a place i don’t wish to be.
     Where do YOU wish to be? In the dark or in the light?
     You are uniquely YOU Tia….walk in this truth.
     Let NO MAN rob you of your choices!
     Big Hug to you,
     Trisha

     Monday, 8 June 2009 @ 3:11pm

120. 120: Robin says:

     Hi Rori,
     I am not sure which program I should be using, and I hope you (or the ladies here) can make a recommendation? I discovered the eBook and Modern Siren program a couple of weeks ago, but I fear these tools may be too late to rescue my current situation… can you recommend anything to help “re-connect” to a man you are no longer officially in a relationship with? Is there anything you can do once he has decided to end the relationship? I really believe all of those feelings of love are still there and just need coaxing. Your Re-connect and Blue Print programs sound perfect … had I found them two months ago. Now I am not sure what to do.

     You see, I was in an exclusive relationship with the “man of my dreams” until about a month ago. We are both in our mid 30s, never been married. We met at a work party and it seemed to be love at first site. Things moved quickly because we saw each other almost every day around the office. He pursued me, had no problem expressing his feelings of love and devotion. I resisted at first, perhaps that created the “chase” men love and crave, but eventually gave in to my feelings and reciprocated.

     We dated exclusively for several months and were quite happy, so I thought. I didn’t see him outside work as much as I would like as he is a very busy actor in community theater, but I accepted his crazy schedule. Or at least I tried to. When I did see him he treated me like a beautiful goddess. He told me everyday how in love with me he was, how lucky he felt, how he couldn’t wait for it to be just the two of us. One time we joked about winning the lottery tomorrow … I asked him how he would spend his money and he said the first thing he would do was put a big fat ring on my finger! I knew it was a joke and laughed it off, but it tugged at my heart strings. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

     He often asked me if he made me happy. I told him he did, but I don’t think he believed me. I tried to explain that I was unhappy with some of our circumstances (not seeing him enough outside of work), but I loved him and being with him made me happy. Unfortunately, I do believe he suffers from depression and feelings of self-worthlessness. During the course of our relationship, there were several times when he called/texted me late night with messages like “you deserve better than me,” “why do you love me? I have nothing to offer you,” etc. I would always do my best to boost him, tell him how much I loved him and how wonderful he was.

     About 8 months into the relationship, I felt him pulling away. I really believe that once he perceived he wasn’t making me happy, he started to shut down. I made the classic mistakes – overfunctioning, asking for more time together, etc. Nothing seemed to help. Around the same time, a toxic ex-girlfriend popped back into his life, and I believe he was struggling with some unresolved feelings about her (she was never completely out of the picture, hovering like a black cloud because of the financial mess leftover from their called off engagement). We started to argue over stupid things and within 2 weeks, he told me he was unsure about us and needed to think. I was crushed. I tried to be cool about it, but it was too painful – I had to see him everyday in the office! We fought more, I got needy and clingy. He told me I got under his skin, in the wrong kind of way. Within a week, he told me he felt like I was now just a co-worker. I was devasted. Still am. Work has been torture. I had to take a week vacation and visit family just to not be around him. I ordered your ebook and read it during my trip. I ordered the Modern Siren CDs as soon as I got back. Some days he ignores me completely, other times he stops by my desk to say hi. I tried to be open and nice, someone he would want to talk to again. I just continue to make mistakes with him. As soon as I started to work the Siren tools, he I think he noticed a difference. He came over and told me had some things he wanted to explain. I said fine, but not at the office. But he never brought it up again. We were in a committed relationship for 8 months and have only been apart 6 weeks, so I know those feelings of love are still there deep down. Is there anything you recommend to get this relationship back on track? I really believe this is the man for me, and I am the woman for him. How do I make him believe that again?

     Sincerely,
     Robin

     Sunday, 14 June 2009 @ 12:58pm

121. 121: Tia says:

     Thank you so much for all your supportive. I will try to do, love myself first and I will keep you undate how am I doing…

     Thanks again,

     Big hugs,
     Tia

     Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 7:16am

122. 122: Rori Raye says:

     Robin, the ebook and Modern Siren will help you. Just understand WHY they will help you, and just DO the Tools, even if they feel “beside the point.” Circular Dating is the Tool you need now to fit all the Modern Siren Tools onto, to practice them 24/7. You will feel and see the difference in the way all men relate to you, and the way you feel about yourself. If he is CAPABLE of wanting you and being devoted to you and being in a relationship with you – he will show up. I must say that a depressed man is a very bad bet for a relationship. Please don’t tie yourself to him emotionally right now. Love, Rori

     Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 9:38am

123. 123: Trisha says:

     For me, this particular section of Rori’s blog for us is called “When you boyfriend wants space Focus on you” isn’t it?
     i loved Rori’s newsletter the other day about “unstrapping” ourselves from these men. To stop “diving out of airplanes strapped to them as they go down thier emotional tubes!”
     WOW! An explosive shift ocurred inside of me like never before!
     She says we don’t have to necessarily “let them go”.
     UNSTRAP!!
     Yeah…this works for me!
     i immediately did the mental work pertaining to this and have been freed up ever since!
     i love my man of 5 yrs and was doing things i thought i “should” do instead of going with the stronger i “want” to.
     i WANT to be the unique, loving, touchable woman i am.
     i WANT to be in a Godly unconditional loving marriage with him.
     i WANT those “parts” of myself that fear and doubt and the “self sabataur” within who, keeps telling me “it isn’t possible”, to be BROUGHT DOWN, COLLAPSED!
     i have been tearing this man of mine down for too long and now, bec of the “shift”, i have the ability to “see” things differently.
     NOW i REALLY DO deeply love and respect myself and CHOOSE to walk into all the blessings the Creator has for ME!
     Stop being afraid to look into your core issues of why you do the things you do or feel the feelings you do.
     The answers ARE there.
     Even though we go through all that we do we can STILL live a life of peace and joy REGARDLESS of what the men in our lives do or DON’T do.
     They will continue to do whatever THEY want anyway so, tell me….
     why wouldn’t YOU WANT to do the same for yourself?
     Stay in the NOW!
     Hugs
     Trisha

     Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 10:48am

124. 124: Robin says:

     Yes, Trisha, I realize I posted in the wrong place. Oops… but yet it applies!

     Thank you, Rori. I will do my best to keep working the ebook and Modern Siren tools. I agree, he may not be capable now but only time will tell.

     Robin

     Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 11:02am

125. 125: Trisha says:

     Dear Robin,
     i wasn’t implying you posted in the ‘wrong place’. i was trying to make a point using the name of this blog….in other words….if your man doesn’t want to be with you then…give him the space he wants and FOCUS ON YOU!!
     Hugs

     Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 9:57pm

126. 126: Mimi says:

     Hi Girls,

     I am confused at the moment because I started circular dating and then when my main guy who loves me but always keeps me at a distance (we have been together over 2 years but no serious commitment from him) asked me with whom I had dinner with last Wednesday, I told him a friend, and he asked where I had met the guy. I am a crap lier so I gave him the truth, that I met him through an online dating site”.

     I had no plan of going out with him or sleeping with him, I wanted to follow Rori’s advice so I would stop pressuring my guy and focus on myself instead. I had told my guy 2 or 3 times that I would keep my options open as I didn’t want to pressure us & since he did not know what he wanted with me but I don’t think he understood/believed me/listened because when I told him I’d met a guy online dating, it was like I had put a knife through his heart. He looked SO HURT, more by the fact that I put my profile online than anything it seems. Then he walked out and I haven’t heard from him for the last 6 days (we don’t live together, he is 35 and still leaves with his dad and does so much for his family).

     I have failed ”the rules” and tried to call him to explain I had NOT cheated on him and that I don’t deserve to be ignored like this, that I love him and that we could at least talk like adults but have heard nothing… I am going crazy not knowing what is going on. I know it makes me look needy but I also feel it is stupid to hold onto some ego, I don’t feel needy, I want to resolve things, one way or the other.

     Please help! I can’t help but feel I made a mistake even though I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

     love, mimi

     Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 5:10pm

127. 127: Rori Raye says:

     Mimi, not only did you NOT do anything wrong, you have no need to apologize. After 2 years, if a man can’t come across with commitment, who you TOLD, several times, that you would be dating other men…he KNOWS he can’t claim you all to himself. ITts GOOD if he gets angry. Now — we have to help you be strong and yet soft, and simple and wait for him to show up. You are NEVER TO LIE!!!! Circular Dating is ALL ABOUT telling the Truth and taking good care of yourself. Do NOT look for a quick resolution here. circular Dating is not about CHALLENGING a man, it’s about taking care of yourself. It’s not a game. It’s doing what’s best for YOU. Stay calm, cool, sweet, open, and strong. Love, Rori

     Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:33pm

128. 128: Trisha says:

     Dear Mimi,
     For me, all of what Rori shares with us can be rolled up into one blanket called FREEDOM!
     Why do men always think they can have their cake and eat it too? Because WE let them. Why do we revolve OUR world all around them? Because WE allow it!
     Like Rori always reminds us, we have had a rule book pushed on us as women for decades and look where it’s gotten us. When the light finally goes on for you, it is a most “out of prison” feeling in the world. You will grow like a nurtured plant feeding off the TRUTH of being what and who YOU were created for.
     You have hobbies, skills, talents and uniqueness which makes YOU…YOU! Give yourself the greatest gift and GO USE THEM!
     i love when Rori says to let the man “work” for us. How they KNOW what they have to do to win us. “WE are the prize”.
     Let them get angry like mine did when he asked me if was “looking for someone else”. i told him, “No. i’m not “looking”, i’m waiting to be found by the man who’s going to think i’m amazing and is going to act like i am!”
     Him getting all in twist was kinda scarey at first until Rori said it was a GOOD thing. It’s like we woman need the permission from someone else to let certain things happen. His anger and jealousies made me more determined than ever to continue to pursue the things in MY life which make ME happy. i just joined a dance class by myself bec he kept telling me “we’ll do it tog” well, i heard this for 2 years. The stronger i get emotionally, the better i feel.
     Mimi, even though he does or doesn’t do WHATEVER, love, respect and accept YOURSELF totally!
     This all takes time, i agree and, when we stop falling for thier games, stop all the assuming, taking things personally and start doing the best we can in everything we have to do even on our off days…..we will come to the place of not needing someone else to complete us.
     My man is not the affectionate, responsible man i want so either he steps up to the plate or i remain open to the man who is better suited for me. Circular dating helps.
     Blessings to you~ Trisha

     Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 9:19am

129. 129: Rori Raye says:

     Trisha, Welcome and thank you for the beautiful post (I hear the “4 Agreements” in there, and good for you for putting all this together for yourself). You are being so strong! Yaaay! Love, Rori

     Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 10:46am

130. 130: Mimi says:

     Dear Rori and Trisha, thank you for you reply.

     I confronted him last night because I was sick of waiting to know what he was thinking and needed to know to move on.

     I know circular dating seems like a good idea but I feel I made a mistake TELLING him that I had dinner with someone else and met him by putting my profile on an online dating site. I tried to explain I did this because I wanted to shift my focus away from him since he did not know what he wanted to do with me.

     But to him that seems to be like cheating on him and proved I wasn’t happy with him, he said the only way to stop hurting me was to be friends. We tried that a few months ago and i asked him not to contact me. We did not see each other for 4 weeks and when we did again, the feelings were too strong to be ”just friends”. We were so happy to find each other again!

     I feel our fears (of not being loved for who we are, of being rejected, hurt, etc) keep getting in the way of our love.

     If you love your man and you know he loves you but you also know that you trigger pain in each other, aren’t you supposed to work on yourself instead of giving up on the relationship?

     Because I love him, aren’t I supposed to accept him as he is without trying to change him? If he doesn’t fulfill my needs completely, aren’t I supposed to fulfill them myself instead of pressuring him?

     I know we both have deeper fears that are getting triggered by what we do or say, fears that have nothing to with us as people but to do with past pain we haven’t dealt with. I have started seeing a counsellor to deal with mine so I can get stronger.

     But I don’t want to give up on him because I know he has barriers of his own stopping him from moving forward. I know it is not my role to counsel him but I do not want to just give up on him.

     Apart from focussing on myself, what can I do to help us get out of this mud and be sure that we are not taking the easy WAY OUT of giving up because it’s too hard??

     Please let me know your thoughts…

     Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 5:13pm

131. 131: Trisha says:

     Dear Mimi,
     My heart goes out to you with so much compassion i have tears in my eyes while reading your words of sadness and frustration.
     i’ve been following Rori’s experienced advice since last year.
     Before this i was an emotional mess over this 5 yr relationship i’ve been tangled up in.
     i broke away from him for 6 months and the whole time, i beat myself up. “Oh if only i would have done this….oh if only i hadn’t been this or said that or WHATEVER!”
     i went to counceling thinking the “if onlys” would be taken care of and he would come back and i would be the woman he always dreamed of!
     Well, guess what? So many times we have the,as Rori calls them, the “imaginary” relationships. Yeah, they are in our heads!! And, you can wish and want it all you want and it doesn’t make it happen.
     i love it when Rori says (when we start using her practiced advice), sometimes, if or when he does come back, you might find yourself saying “ICK”. Which is, basically, what has SLOWLY been happening to me as i come out from being under this man’s “black magic spell”.
     It’s so true Mimi….we think, “Oh, IF i could only get another chance to not pressure HIM or, IF i cook MORE for HIM or better understand HIM, listen better to HIM….on and on ad nauseum!
     i found out he and i really don’t love each other (like in my imagination) because neither of us accept the other JUST THE WAY WE ARE!
     It’s like trying to get the proverbial round peg in the square hole!
     i was caught in the “girlfriend trap” and he assusmed i was exclusively his. When MY core needs weren’t being met and i didn’t feel the love I needed to feel safe going into a marriage, i started applying Rori’s tools and boy did things start to shift. He didn’t know what the heck was going on.
     As i got “free-er” he started to panic yet, he’s still NOT doing the things he needs to do to WIN ME! so….i continue to go about MY life’s desires and yes, many times i feel rather uncomfortable going out without him. This is why Rori suggests “baby steps”. Little by little you experience there really is a life OUTSIDE OF HIM.
     I’m sure you know the story about how a frog doesn’t realize he’s being boiled alive? Yeah, you turn up the heat a little bit at a time. This is how i felt before i started listening to Rori!
     Also the one about the crabs? When you put them all in the pot together, if one of them even TRIES to get out, the other ones pull him right back in.
     Sorry, but i don’t want to be a frog OR a crab…i want to be some man’s beloved Queen.
     Don’t you?
     Love ~Trisha

     Saturday, 19 September 2009 @ 10:37am

132. 132: Trisha says:

     Thank you Rori for your encouragements and being a very important part of my recovery. Many Many blessings your way.
     Yes…the 4 agreements yet i’ve added a 5th…”don’t compare”.
     Big Hug
     Trisha XXOO

     Saturday, 19 September 2009 @ 10:40am

133. 133: Mimi says:

     Thank you Rori and Trisha for your kind comments and encouragement!

     What do you do when the man you love loves you and is stuck in his own emotional trap?

     My man is 35 with divorced parents who live next door to each other. He lives with his dad on one side and his mum and her partner live on the other side (big house split into 2 houses). My man had a long term relationship in his early 20s who I think left him scarred, after that he never had relationships longer than a year or so, only lived out of home for a year overseas.

     His dad never had another relationship after the divorce and it seems he has dedicated his life to his son. I feel my man feels guilty for a lot of things that happened in his family and dedicates his life back to his dad, sacrificing his own, not being able to commit to anyone despite loving them deeply. He is the glue of his family, always fixing everything when there are arguments. He also works a lot, I feel this is an escape for him.

     I know he is an adult who can make his own decisions but is there a way for me to gently show him the way?
     When you love someone you love them the way they are and I do in his case. I could see all those red flags from the start and knew it would be challenging (we have had a few breakups) but I love him, even when I know he cannot really commit (which in my book would mean at least moving in together) so do not know what to do.
     He feels committed to me because he sees me 3 times a week, with messages in between, he always picks me up, he initiates dates and sex, he looks at me in the eyes and tells me he loves me so much, repeatedly, like what Rori says when she describes what a real relationship is. He says he has standards and wouldn’t be still with me if he didn’t think there was a chance for a future together.

     After finding out i put my profile online and met a guy for dinner, it was like he had been waiting for me ”to slip up” so he could find an excuse to push me away for good. He said he has to stop seeing me otherwise he cannot push me away because he loves me and is attracted to me, that the best thing is to be great friends because WE know that is the best to not hurt each other but I don’t see it that way!

     Everytime I poke him to get the reasons of his pushing me away, I NEVER get convinced he gives me the real reasons.
     It feels in my gut he is trying to convince himself this is the best way but that is not what he wants.

     I know I cannot make him do what would be a release for him (like counselling) but is there anything I can do before losing him completely? I feel his pain and I want to reach out to him…

     Any help anyone???

     Saturday, 19 September 2009 @ 5:56pm

134. 134: Rori Raye says:

     Mimi, if this guy really is such a clueless nerd…you have nothing to lose. Tell him you love him and would love to marry him and live together, and that you don’t know what to do til then in case he doesn’t want that….what does he think? The worse that can happen is he says he doesn’t think that can ever happen. If he says he wants that too, ask him when he sees that happening, and what does he think you should do until he makes up his mind? In other words, ask him questions because you need to know where things are and take care of yourself…but that you really love him and feel good with him and understand all the pressures in his life….As long as YOU feel relaxed and NOT desperate about it all, it should go well. If he’s not really all that nerdy…then you’ll hear — I’m not ready, and you’ll know what you’ve got, and it’s good that you’re Circular Dating and letting him know exactly why. Love, Rori

     Saturday, 19 September 2009 @ 7:50pm

135. 135: Mimi says:

     Thank you for being there Rori, it helps so much to know you are so supportive.

     He is not that nerdy, just really scared of putting himself out there (long term bachelor!), but perhaps I am fooling myself and I am in denial…

     He has finally agreed to see me tonight to listen to my feelings even though I know he will be just ”friendly”, distant and on his guards, worried I am there to manipulate him and try to talk him into getting back together so he tried to make it as hard as possible (1 hour lunch between work or 11pm at night).
     I really had to push him and say he wasn’t being unfair and that I deserved better than that. Now we will meet at 9pm, still not ideal but an effort.

     You are right, after all I have nothing left to lose!
     I will remind him how much I love him, that I did nothing wrong circular dating, that I did it to relieve the pressure I was putting on him about commitment.

     I will say I understand he is committed to his father and has a lot of pressure to take care of his family (who do not live with him though, I think he makes himself indispensable so he feels less guilty and because it gives me an excuse to not commit to anyone).

     I will say that I want to marry him although he knows that and that’s the scariest thing I can tell him since he thinks he will never commit to me.

     He will most likely say he cannot do it and repeat it is best we stay friends as he said 2 nights ago there was no turning back this time.

     I do not know how to give up on someone so it will be very hard.

     Rori, I have thought many times how great it would be to have a program specifically related to dealing with a breakup… perhaps your next project? love, mimi

     Saturday, 19 September 2009 @ 10:54pm

136. 136: Trisha says:

     Dear Mimi,
     Scroll back to my comments to Susan and to Tia. Read them and perhaps apply them to your situation.
     Right now you seem STUCK and are being pressed in by fear and desperation. Two good reasons to back away for a time. Give him his space.
     It feels like to me you are so overly concerned about HIS past and looking for the reasons why he is the way he is. i did the same thing to justify my inner weaknesses.
     My “poor” guy came from a black family of 9 siblings, mother not married and living on welfare. i listened to ALL his childhood plights and the more i would think about it, the more i “loved” him. He told me all the sob stories of how his 4 (F O U R) wives all cheated on him…poor poor man.
     i was asked the question by my pastor, “So Trisha, are YOU the woman who will stay with him?”
     i became so determined to be the “ONE”.
     Mimi, when we do this we lose all our boundries and sense of self. We start to think we are these men’s saviors.
     They haven’t even begun to save themselves.
     For me, this is where the web gets more and more tangled.
     Rori’s tools and me applying them is what kept me from losing MYSELF.
     Should you chose to move in with this emotionally unavailable man, why would he opt to marry you?
     Sounds to me like, you have to start facing the TRUTH and begin you journey back unto the path which was given to YOU. (Rori calls it “bridging”)
     It’s OK to love someone WITH OUT messing up your own life.
     Detaching doesn’t mean we don’t care.
     Loving someone doesn’t mean we have to marry them.
     Please start using Rori’s tools right away.
     We are all here for you.
     You are loved.
     ~Trisha

     Sunday, 20 September 2009 @ 9:11am

137. 137: Mimi says:

     Hi girls, it’s me again and thanks again for helping!

     You are right, I wanted to be THE ONE, especially as he is looking for that really amazing soulmate whom he will connect with on all levels (physically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc). I tried to give him space and do things for me but even then, that did not seem to be enough for him to want me completely…

     We met last night to talk to clarify what he is feeling so I can understand why he is pushing me away. I asked him to speak from his heart and he said…

     Despite loving me so much and wanting to be with me, if he looks at the bigger picture, he doesn’t feel in his heart we can really make each other happy, that I deserve a better man who wants to commit because he cannot give me any more than what he has given me.

     I don’t know why I always believed in him and that we could work things out… because we had such an amazing connection, attraction and so much love for each other. But he said sometimes love isn’t enough. He does not feel that ”head over heels” love feeling that would make him want to move in with me, marry me, etc.

     He apologised for making go through so much pain and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me and wasting my time. He wants me to find a man who I will be really happy with. He said these things before and we still got back together, he was leaning forward when he was with me. He seemed to say there was a chance for us otherwise he wouldn’t still be with me.

     But now he says he was weak because I am so easy to love and such a beautiful person, hard to resist.
     He said the fact i put my profile online, meaning I was single, means I denied him and that is like cheating to him. I told him (cowardly in writing, always by sms/email) that i would keep my options open because I wanted a man who really wants me but he says it was not clear. I think he knew what it meant and he did not ask for clarification so that proves he didn’t want to listen or believe me.

     He said he is not using that against me, that it is not the reason he wants to break up but that it is a good time to go because he thinks denying him shows I am ready to move on. (says who???)

     Just can’t figure out why 2 people can love each other so much when together, hurt so much when apart and then what…? It doesn’t mean anything? I am fighting for him but he is not fighting for me, it hurts badly…

     When we made love he would tell me it felt so right, he said how much he loves me so many times and I could see the sparkles in his eyes when he’d look at me sometimes (even last night, you know, that loved up look).

     He loves me but he is not in love with me
     Which tools do I use to force myself to BELIEVE that this time, it really is over and that I must move on?
     I am confused…

     Sunday, 20 September 2009 @ 5:11pm

138. 138: Trisha says:

     Dear Mimi,
     i can’t go to bed tonight without offering you some kind of comfort. i feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. i have been where you are right now and i have to tell you…. you will have to experience the pain of rejection even though it is a GOOD thing. This frees you up for the RIGHT man to come into your life. i can remember missing my man SO much i would cry until i threw up. i mean, when i think back, i cringe at how addicted i must have been to this man. All i could do was rem all the “good times” and good things he’d ever done for me. i let the Judge in my head make me feel guilty, then blame me and then i felt like i was being punished. i tell you the breaking up when i loved him so much was awful.
     One of the tools i used was, to see the man waving to you from afar and wishing you well while telling you to not get involved with another man like himself.
     i know it sounds weird and maybe Rori can describe it to you better.
     The other one was telling yourself he doesn’t exist unless he’s standing right in front of you or talking to you on the phone.
     Rori also says men try to keep us in their life even when they don’t want to marry us bec we ARE good irresistable woman and liked having us around.
     You chose to have sex with him and what man turns that down?
     My vow for the past 2 years is not to have sex until i’m married.
     If you think you can remain friends with this guy after he’s plainly told you how he feels and, after you tied yourself to him sexually…..good luck.
     Is it going to be easy to break the soul ties? No. Yet, you must start helping yourself by getting back out there as soon as possible.
     If you are with an online dating site…stay with it! For me, i don’t look up the men. i have several really nice photos of myself and i let them come to me.
     My profile is gut honest and says what i want and what i don’t want.
     Mimi, LET THIS MAN GO! Keep a journal and get your emotions under control as soon as possible.
     It takes a strong woman not to answer emails and the telephone, i know this first hand yet…little by little you will get your strength and power back i PROMISE YOU!!
     You CAN do it.
     Please stop blaming and victimizing yourself ok?
     Keep reading Rori’s blogs and practicing the tools.
     If you believe in God as your creator pray and ask for His help.
     Breathe through your heart.
     Goodnight. Love ~Trisha

     Sunday, 20 September 2009 @ 10:41pm

139. 139: Rori Raye says:

     Mimi, this is Classic, and the answer for you is Circular Dating. Just do it. Love, Rori

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 4:19pm

140. 140: Mimi says:

     Thank you again Rori and Trisha,

     Yes, circular dating… I need to heal myself first though as I realise that the little things he did that hurt me are coming from deeper wounds that are not related to him, such as not enough love and attention from parents and looking outside to meet my needs, being afraid to reach out for support, feeling like I have to be strong all the time because I have nobody around who can support me (I live on the other side of the world from my family and they are all a bit disconnected too!), etc.

     I am going to stick to counselling for a little while until I get stronger and will follow Rori’s tools.

     I just feel a bit tired and empty at the moment but I am sending you my love and really appreciate your support

     Love, mimi

     Monday, 21 September 2009 @ 4:44pm

141. 141: Mimi says:

     Dear Rori,

     I am a bit confused and would like clarification…

     On the one hand you say my case is classic (he wants to be friends, loves me but is not in love with me, etc see above) and that I should let go and circular date.
     It is very hard to forget about him because I love him…

     On the other hand, i get hope from reading your newsletter about reconnecting your relationship, that you can inspire a man to feel more love and connection. In your latest newsletter, I do recognise myself in it because he pretty much said what you said <>

     He did however have this lovey dovey look for me every now and then (even on the night he explained to me it was best to be friends, that i would be happier with another guy who could commit and give me what i want). I know he loves me and has repeated it so many times, meaning it…

     We did not communicate very well in the relationship while it was on. He was even crying when I hugged him goodbye for the last time. But when I looked him in the eyes and said ‘we can work this out’, he shook his head so i left.

     What shall I do???
     I know I should focus on myself and I am (and also circular date which I will do when I feel stronger). But…

     Should I cut him off and never try to see him again (not what i want because i love him)?
     Or should I focus on myself for a while, see him again (as friends) to suss out if there is any hope left because I know it goes deeper than ‘just friends’? We were supposed to go to a concert together next week which would be a good opportunity although a little early…

     Please help!!! Love, mimi

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 12:42am

142. 142: Trisha says:

     Dear Mimi,
     it’s always interesting to read what Rori will say to you yet we have to rememeber,we are not kids being forced to do things we don’t like. We have choices.
     You used a very appropo sentence above when you asked the question about what to do when your man is in his OWN emotional trap.
     This is the whole answer for you in a nutshell!
     It’s HIS emotional trap! What is it about you that wants to be in the TRAP with him?
     Look at what traps do….they capture, imprison, hurt, produce fear.
     When you described your last meeting with this man, it reminded me of some scene out of some sappy romantic movie. Here you were offering yourself as the sacrifice and the camera pans in while his eyes tear up as he shakes his head no.
     What drama Mimi!
     i hope you know by now, i am NOT making light of your situation bec i’ve been there and know exactly what you are going through.
     i’ve been growing this past year and living, like Rori does, the rewards of shifting gears.
     i don’t need the drama anymore (my man used to thrive off my desperation and endless tears. It fed his ego!)
     To me these men need to start getting their acts together and stop trying to keep woman tangled in their neurotic issues they choose to do nothing about.
     Rori’s last newsletter about attraction and connection was most insightful. Hope you read it…now apply it.
     If counceling will give you some relief by all means go yet i have found no matter what the councelor says, we will still choose to do what ever we will.
     Sometimes we have to be suffered into a corner, shipwrecked and brought to a place where we can finally be freed from the emotional traps and start walking in new found freedom.
     Love yourself Mimi. Love yourself enough to go forward and set your mind to balance and peace.
     We come into this world alone and will leave the same way, we won’t be arm in arm with these men.
     Our lives were meant to be lived till we die so why would you want to be so miserable with someone who doesn’t feel the same about you?
     Facing the TRUTH hurts yet the hurt passes and you will be so much more aware about discovering who YOU are.
     Blessings, peace and joy to you.
     Love ~Trisha

     Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 9:20am

143. 143: Rori Raye says:

     Trisha, This whoe post is totally brilliant – I LOVE this — may I borrow it (with credit to you, of course) for a jump-off piece sometime? – It’s HIS emotional trap! What is it about you that wants to be in the TRAP with him? Love, Rori

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:09am

144. 144: Trisha says:

     HI Rori,
     You most certainly can, with my deepest respect, use whatever wisdom i humbly share with others on this site.
     You have been a huge part of my inspiration and an aspiring role model to whom i am sincerely grateful.
     Seeking knowledge is important yet it is the applying of it which seems to hold woman back.
     My prayer is… when fear tries creeping up, like the snake it is…we would be so built up, we will see it as an OPPORTUNITY to USE your tools. How else are we ever going to get the strength we need to stand alone on the BIG rock and not always be craving the arms of a man?
     Thank you from my Heart Rori!
     Love ~Trisha

     Thursday, 24 September 2009 @ 10:52am

145. 145: Lorie says:

     Dear Rori,

     I am messed up in my heart and mind. Logically, I just don’t understand the why of it. My heart is more than crushed. To be shot dead would have been more merciful. I need your help! Let me start at the beginning in which you can point out all the errors and perhaps the truth will set me free.

     When I moved to a new city, basically I had lost it all. The material processions, (got hurt on the job) making clear ($6,000.00 a month) and so I had no problem buying anything or giving anything. However I found when I lost the money and prestige I lost (friends?) and even family members (my own kids) who asked who was I…lol. I DON’T KNOW!

     So for five years, I cut myself off from everyone….no dating, no touching, just working every minimum shit job out there while applying for a state job.. Rented a room (no house). You can bet I cried a zillion tears, and I didn’t know who I was (my worth) anymore without the money. What I had was my prayers which for along time where filled with so much sorrow…..Saving myself up to cry only at church…..That lasted about 6 months…..I was truly jacked!

     Then I got the state job (stable) and moved to another place (room mate still). Now it took 5 years to get to this state….working, coming home, nothing more….pleasant to people, but no emotional ties. Then I met Mr. P, who also rented a room. We would have long conversations outside in the backyard…and I thought this was all there was to it. Really…..no idea in my heart or mind.

     Then Mr. P suggested we go 50/50 on the food ( I cook better). Financially this would save money and so I agreed. Then he told me he really like me. I was shocked really and just look at him (probably like he was insane). He asked if he could hold my hand as he sat next to me. I said ok but I was really freaking out because it had been so long since I allow this interaction.

     When he touch my hand it was so beautiful, warm, strong like some kind of miracle and it made my heart cry , because I denied myself this….asking myself why? Then I thought wait! I’ve been praying for a man my equal to love, intelligence, loyal / honor……I waited, …caution.

     A couple months after dating we had sex, great! It seemed we were both in love and happy. However, during this time my room mate was working with him (a girl) and I told him it was not a good idea, because I believe this girl liked him as well.

     Anyway this girl and I went shopping one time and she told me to watch my back with Mr. P. (I hate this shit) So I asked why? Just watch your back! As it turns out they were having sex together, in which he wanted to have sex with her again (i.e. the job). She asked Mr. P, what about your girlfriend (that’s me) and he replied what about her? Then he tried to force himself on her of which she kick him out of the house (that’s when she spilled her guts about Mr. P).

     You can bet this cause a big riff and to top that off he is a Muslim. Now its Ramadan a month of not having sex with anyone, but your wife after sundown. So Mr. P, moved out with his friends? During the month of September, he said he would see me and that this girl was jealous and would say anything to break us up. To believe him, to trust him, he loved me.

     In September, not once did he come by and see me, even though I called, he really just laughed…cruel, you bet…extremely hurt you bet. So I stopped calling all together, changed phone number. Then in October after Ramadan, he followed me from work to speak to me. Saying he realized that he loved me and that he was hoping we could move in together having a place of our own.

     He convinced me to start looking for a place. During this time we were dating and decided to go to the casino 50/50 of course (in other words my own money, he has his own money). We stayed at the hotel that evening, but during this time a person kept on calling and calling over and over again. He wasn’t answering the phone. I asked who is that? He said a renter as he was looking for a place too. I told him this was a lie! That it was a pissed off woman, who was expecting him and is now bombing his phone. I’m in a rage. I pick up my things to go, I’m not talking the entire way home. He puts his hands through my hair and says you have pride I can see that…..but its just a renter! Lie! I have no proof….but you can bet I wanted to rip the phone out of his hand…..resist!

     Then I found a lovely place. He was so happy and said this is the best place he ever had. I bought him clothes (this best he ever had) food the best he ever had, sex the best he ever had….get the picture? Now as a Muslim man they go out with the guys 2-3 am in the morning. This isn’t setting well with me because no man that is not single does this 3-4 times a week. Last straw, didn’t come home at all. When I woke up to go to work no Mr. P. I walked into the garage and Mr. P was laying on the couch, saying he didn’t want to wake me up. LIE! Again he just came in, saying he fell asleep at the boys house. LIE! Trust me after this my heart is finding bitterness. Mr. P visit the boys once a week four hours max.

     Then all went well for awhile, still 50/50, Ramadan is coming up….bad feeling in my heart…remembering the last Ramadan, only this time we are living together. So he asked me to marriage him. The vows between me, him and God…..and that later we would be married at the church. I was so damn happy!

     I made him soups, after the fast, good dinners of course, we prayed together, did things together love, love, love. My heart was delighted! Prayers answered!. I truly believed, as I did in the beginning, that Mr. P, was my gift from God. During this time however, the owner was losing his place (foreclosure) so we had to look for another place, but that was 90 days away…..and my heart is light.

     Now I found a beautiful house, we both signed the lease this time (foreclosure) worried. Move all the stuff in. Mr. P is delighted…me too. Now Ramadan is over and we are settled. I asked him when are we are to be married, because I will not go through another Ramadan again. You see I’m not invited to go with him because we are not married. He said what difference does it make? That I only want to marry him because of Ramadan!

     I explain that is not the case. I wish to be 100% of his life, as he is 100% of my life. Now the battle is on because he says we are married in the eyes of God. Which doesn’t give me the same freedom as in the church. Now after signing the lease just two weeks ago he says he must leave, to find another job for the wedding cost. I say why can’t you stay here and work two jobs. He says he can’t live with a woman while trying to save money for the wedding. I’m smelling a RAT.

     He wants to stay rent free for October., leaving some of his things here so he can come back and forth. I am more than crushed. I keep on making suggestions giving reasons to stay. But I could have been Jesus walking on water and he would not stay. So I’m furious….he is not staying a month free while he saves money to run. Extremely Betrayed! I take all of his clothes and tell him to get out. I said as my last words to divorce me (the vows which were real to me). He said hell no! Then like water, said I divorce you once, twice, three times….That one cut my heart out!

     He of course takes everything (not much a desk and clothes)…has the nerve to ask for his half of the deposit….Your kidding? Then the calls have a good life baby, I wasn’t qualified to be your husband, I can’t take care of you or myself without your help…..the guilt of which hurts….

     Then he calls saying he is having a terrible life, that he is suffering, that he made a mistake, but he can’t come back….not good enough.. That I should know that he loves me enough to leave me and that I should appreciate the suffering he is going through….I told him, I don’t appreciate suffering!

     Then I find out through the internet he has put his number out there to pick up on girls…..I told him this and of course he changed his password….lol . More lies. He still calls when he needs something and than no calls after that. I should be grateful, but I really do love this man, even if he is unworthy of me! CRAZY!!!

     ….I found out that he is trying now to save and receive his green card. A dream I would of helped him accomplish. But to him the lies were better. Why the games Rori, all of them hurt ….I did not deserve this.

     This Christmas regardless of the games, I did text Merry Christmas to Mr. P…nothing. And yet I received Merry Christmas from all friend and family, even my x-room mates who sent me hugs….Jesus…..This HURT big. Trust me Rori , I’m intelligent, very good looking, excellent job, and in short I am together…..I do love myself and take care of myself……so why do I deal and even waste my time thinking of this man….I feel like I wasted 2 years..

     Passionate Love sucks!~

     Saturday, 26 December 2009 @ 3:10pm

146. 146: Rori Raye says:

     Dear Lorie – Welcome, and you’re not going to like this. It’s very “tough” – so don’t read it unless you’re ready to hear it. I hear you and I do not believe you love yourself, nor that you take care of yourself, nor that you are acting in an intelligent way, and I definitely do not believe you are “together.” If you insist on feeding yourself this foolish assessment…you will get no further. However – I believe you ARE gorgeous, smart, and deserve great love. So – what are you doing, Lorie – wasting your time with this creep? What are you doing GIVING to him and cooking, etc? Please spend a day here on this blog (make sure to get my newsletters and my book to start – and then I’d say go straight for my “Toxic Men” program – it will help you understand what you’re doing to yourself) – and learn some Tools to pull yourself out of this pit. This is not passionate love. This is you punishing yourself, as you did after your financial tragedy when you shut yourself down. As soon as you get that this is a pattern (a Trauma Response, I’m sure) – you’ll fly to love – I know you will – but we have to get you started. Love, Rori

     Sunday, 27 December 2009 @ 6:23pm

147. 147: Trisha says:

     Dear Lorie, you are in a living, breathing HELL and you will only be able to get yourself out by listening to Rori! The only thing i want to say is i understand your addiction to this Muslim man bec to me they are a lot like Black men. By this i mean, they are great lovers. Very charming, warm, generous, sexy and intoxicatingly exotic! When i first broke up with my black man, i suffered so many different emotions, i cried myself to vomiting! This was 2 years ago and bec i’ve followed so much of Rori’s advice, i am now in such a completely different place. i mean i was a MESS! It was slow going in the beginning yet i did it! This man is now eating out of the palm of my hand! And since i’ve been Circular Dating and practicing all Rori’s tools, this man doesn’t even appeal to me the way he used to. i am the one holding the “keys” now and it feels GREAT! Please do yourself the best thing ever…STAY involved with this blog and get yourself on her mailing list in a NY minute. My prayers are with you my friend. HUGS~trisha

     Monday, 28 December 2009 @ 12:14am

148. 148: Gloria says:

     HI Rori,

     I have a question about circular dating. I would love to go out on as many dates as possible, however, I am now 3 months after breaking up and I am still quite lonely. And it hurts, While I am able to create attraction with a man, I have lacked the opportunities to go out and have fun. I work full time and have 2 kids. Would online dating be ok for now while a better ‘in person’ opportunity arises? Can online chatting, e-mailing, etc, be considered ‘circular’ dating?

     thank you,
     love
     Gloria

     Sunday, 3 January 2010 @ 5:15pm

149. 149: All you Need is Love? says:

     HI rori and friends,
     I got the “need space” card. Only it was my fiance of almost two years .. he is 21and im 25. He and i moved into an apt together shortly after our engagement. We are waiting a few years until we wed, to make sure we happy and are we’re where we want to be as a couple (finances/career)…. we’ve toughed through a good share of problems but i got the “i need space and time to think about what i want (aka: the relationship)” card just about a month ago… i felt him starting to get distant after his mother had moved in with us only three months into our new place…(another story) i am also the breadwinner between the two of us- he does what he can to his ability but i know its hard for all of us givin the circumstances. A slow onset of what i considered an emotional affair crept up on us with him and a co-worker over the course of a couple of months-i did call him on it and he said he ended it knowing how sucky both him and i felt knowing our relationship was going down the tube. He says he feels like he cant talk to me without me overreacting or making him feel bad.. like he can never “win” with me..all the stress, me overfunctioning..paranoid whenever he texts.. is seeming to make our relationship more of a “business deal” as he calls it, then a “IN LOVE” relationship which he expresses he wants with me again, that spark that he misses…. but him acting moody (loving and wanting to work things out one minute and depressed and “unsure” the next) has left me confused and torn. He thinks i have a lot of insecurites and am very dramatic .. and hard to communicate with-and that has pushed him away more and more.. Advise????? Greatly appreciated and needed..

     Monday, 4 January 2010 @ 1:19pm

150. 150: Rori Raye says:

     Welcome, All You Need – and your story and situation is so classic and EXACTLY what my Tools are able to fix quite quickly…I know you’ll get the help you need here. I’d like to post this and jump off with some simple steps…Love, Rori

     Monday, 4 January 2010 @ 2:52pm

151. 151: Trisha says:

     Dear Trisha this is Lorie and you emailed me that you loved a man so much when it was over you cried yourself to vomiting….remember? Well I can’t say I haven’t been suffering because I really thought this man loved me…took off and left me with a lease and a very broken heart. Seen me once in Nov. and said he doesn’t know when he’ll see me again. Hasn’t! It hurt’s so bad when family friends e-mailed and called at Christmas not him. New Years the same not him. I really don’t understand the why did he do it. How can he be so cold and heartless? How can you have 2 years of living togeher and then puff your gone. I miss him so much Toxic or not. I can’t even think of having another man put his arms around me let alone dating….like I’m a cheat or something…I know he is most likely doing just fine in this dept. I know I can get men to ask me out, good looking enough..but putting out a vib to just leave me alone. Can’t afford the tapes but I need help…can you give me some tools of leaning back, feeling messages and not to fall for the sameness again…cause this hurts real bad …..sincerely L

     Monday, 4 January 2010 @ 8:05pm

152. 152: Rori Raye says:

     Lorie, Welcome – I’m not sure I get the deal between you and Trisha….? Broken hearts are not fun. Biggest thing I can tell you – put your arms around YOURSELF right now. Date YOURSELF. Fall in love with YOURSELF – and you’ll feel better, you’ll heal…and you’ll allow yourself to open up to new men. Love, Rori

     Monday, 4 January 2010 @ 8:37pm

153. 153: All you need is love? says:

     Thank you Rori, I would love some tips and suggestions on how to re-kindle, repair and renew our “classic” relationship All eyes and ears are open

     Tuesday, 5 January 2010 @ 10:24am

154. 154: Trisha says:

     Dear Rori,

     what do you mean by the “deal ” between me and Lorie?

     Please respond bec i don’t want to take anything personally or take offense.

     i know you know i’ve been one of your biggest cheerleaders the past 2 years esp on these blogs.
     Thanks

     Tuesday, 5 January 2010 @ 10:42am

155. 155: jojo says:

     i found that my husband is watching dirty (sextual) movies what should i do

     Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:21pm

156. 156: Rori Raye says:

     Jojo, Welcome – and this is a case for tinque at http://www.sexandheart.com. It all depends on how it’s affecting how he is with YOU….tinque might tell you to talk with him, she might tell you to WATCH the movies with him… She might tell you this is a sign something’s wrong, or that there’s something you can do to make your marriage totally amazingly better…let’s look at this for now as an OPPORTUNITY for you to enrich your marriage, and we’ll take it from there…tinque – hopefully – will find your comment and reply – but I know it’s going to take some questions and in depth…so follow up with her, and give me more details, too, and we’ll ALL help you. Love, Rori

     Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:44pm

157. 157: Pam says:

     Hi ladies! It’s been a while. My ex and I (the one who wants to be friends) are done. He loves/needs drama in his life and I just can’t waste any more energy on this crap. His new g/f is a trainwreck & he’s going to have a lot of problems with her (I know a few people who know her). I kind of feel bad for him, but it’s his life.

     Not sure if you remember the guy I was dating, who returned my make-up bag, I thought he wasn’t interested in me because he makes little effort to get together or call me. Well, he started texting me again. Said he sent me 3 since SuperBowl Sunday. I never got them. When I didn’t reply he thought I wasn’t interested and thought I moved on. He said he should of called me, and that was his fault. After reconnecting the past few days we talked about going out for a coffee, but he’s so busy with work. I like the guy, but it’s purely a physical chemistry that’s going on. I don’t feel any emotional chemistry. It’s weird. He’s cuddly, etc but I don’t know, there was something missing. Can you build chemistry??

     Then there’s guy #2. He’s very loving, romantic, caring. Great emotional chemistry. We’ve kissed and there was a lot of passion. He’s not 100% what I’m attracted to physically but he’s a good guy. I don’t mean to sound shallow but you need to have that. We’ve been talking for 3 weeks, met 3 times. Had 2 very long phone conversations. He has many qualities I’m looking for but I can’t get past the physical chemistry part. Also, he was open and honest with me about his life and his future. He has an 8 yr daughter and is tied to the city he lives in. It’s an hour drive from me. He said until she’s older, he can’t move. Another thing is that he knows that having a child one day is important to me (but it’s not my top priority) & he’s not sure he wants to go through the infant/toddler stage again. He’s only 1 year older than me but he’s been married, has a child and is now in a different stage in his life. He said we would have some obstacles to overcome. I don’t think they are that big to overcome. If you want it to work, you’ll make it work. I said that I appreciate his honesty but I want to get to know him and take things day by day. He now agrees.

     So, I’ve been thinking about this whole circular dating thing. I know I can’t put my eggs all in one basket. I want to see this other guy (the very busy one) again but a part of me wants to keep looking. The guy with the 8 yr old told me he is falling very fast for me and he removed his profile on Match.com. He wants to give “us” a shot…100%. I don’t know. I feel that I should keep dating. When I’m with guy #2 everything is fine, my doubts are gone and I’m living in the moment. It’s when he’s not around that I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I start to overanalyze things.

     Sometimes I think I should just be single….hahaha!

     Thanks girls…hope you’re having a great week!

     Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 10:28am

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