Forget The 4 Man Dating Plan – Try The 10 Man Dating Plan

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Every time I sit to write about Circular Dating, I feel as if it’s so obvious.  So natural, so logical.  Exactly the way we women should always be thinking in terms of men, and dating…and then I look at my emails and the comments to this blog, and all the articles I read out there on other websites and blogs – and I’m amazed…

…it just couldn’t be further from “obvious, natural, logical.”  We women are still stuck in the “Girlfriend Trap,” and the hardest job I have as a coach is getting women to even TRY Circular Dating.

It’s like pulling teeth.

It’s as if I were asking you to do something horrible, dreadful, impossibly difficult.

And, if you’ve never done it – yes, Circular Dating feels frightening, it feels wrong, it makes you feel bad and guilty, and it just feels like “I shouldn’t be having so much fun and so many options in my life.”

It feels the absolute opposite of what your mother did. (Although, if you really research this – you’ll find that’s not exactly true.  My mother and my husband’s aunt BOTH Circular Dated.)

It’s possible that in our Mother’s time, sex was not in the mix, so it was easier to “date around” without seeming “cheap.”

These days, though, everyone assumes you’re sleeping with anyone you date (and often we are) and so it seems trashy and impossible to manage.

So – what if we take sex back OUT of the equation?

Or take a different view of the possibilities of sex – given what we now know about men?

For instance – what if we could have sex with only one man but still “date” as many other men as we want? (If only we could get ourselves to WANT to…and that’s the challenging part here…)

Or – and let’s go for broke here – what if we could have sex with EVERY MAN we want to?

I’m sure I’ve shaken you up by now – I just want to open up some possibilities you may have never even thought of.  I want you to start thinking about this: This is YOUR life.  This is about what YOU want.

And although it’s been drilled into us that we’re supposed to “toe” some kind of line for a man, even while he’s hemming and hawing and taking his time and stalling and withdrawing and going back and forth – that’s NOT the way to keep a man ATTRACTED to you.

Being “constant” and “virtuous” is NOT the draw it once was – not in this day and age of porn queens becoming mainstream, socially acceptable actors and celebrities.

What IS magnetic to a man is a woman who knows what she wants and won’t take less.  A woman who waits for no one.  A woman to who the word “second-class” doesn’t exist. A woman who is so comfortable with herself that she can be open, warm, welcoming, inviting, and RECEIVE love from a very grateful man.

In the bookstore, I’ve seen a book with a title something like what Circular Dating’s about – it’s called the “4 Man Plan.”

Well – let’s just forget all about the number of men – all you want is more than two! – and let’s forget about trying to “Plan” this out. (Two becomes an either-or thing, and that’s just as bad (or worse) than dating one man at a time – and our Plan should be about getting you to Happy Ever After – not any short term plan of how to manage all these men.)

So – how could you possibly manage TEN men at the same time? Well, let’s get a little “loosey-goosey” here.  Let’s get fanciful and make dating a little less serious than we have.

Hey – there are 7 days in a week, and several hours each evening.  You could fit in ten men easily if you saw two a night for coffee and two on the weekends.

And – it hardly ever works out that way.  Usually, the 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 or more men are spread out over the week.  Some never call back, some pursue you.  Some you have a 45 minute coffee date with and never ever want to see again.

It’s a rotation, a revolving door – a Circle with YOU in the center and all the men you date circling around you.

I’m going to be talking about this a lot in this “Dating” category – so look for posts, follow along, ask questions, and let me know how Circular Dating works for you – so we can inspire more and more women to try it –  and then you’ll ALL have incredible success.

Think of it this way…the more women we can get doing the Rori Raye Tools and Circular Dating – the more we’ll be training MORE men out there on how to behave.  We IMPROVE men for each other. The man you don’t want to see after one coffee date many be PERFECT for another woman.  And he’ll be better for knowing you – even for 45 minutes.

The more we work at this TOGETHER – the more happiness we will EACH have.

Let’s go do this thing!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Angie on November 5, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    Hi Rory, I purchased your book and enjoyed it very much. I have been circular dating for some time because I haven’t found a man that I want as much as he wants me. He either really digs me & I am not interested in any more than a friendship or I really dig him adn he sends me mixed messages. I won’t put my life on hold for a man who can’t want and be proud of me, but I must be doin something wrong. I really can’t figure it out, Why I bought your book. I can’t wait to hear what else you have to say about Circular dating! Thanks

  2.  #2alias girl on November 5, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    rockin post. rockin philosophy. rockin rori. i somehow have managed to have zero men currently in my circular dating rotation but the concepts beneath the idea is becoming OH SO CLEAR. i have been doing a lot of practice both online and in real life i just can’t get myself to go on dates with men that don’t make me feel inspired to go on dates with them but i flirt. i get asked. i have conversations. i actually feel very wanted as a woman. i feel like i have options dotdotdot if i want to settle. i want to feel safe and connected and on par with the men i date otherwise i feel it’s a little bit a waste of my time. but i have come light years in such a tiny amount of time using your tools, rori. i just feel like you are right on.

  3.  #3Erika on November 5, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    It took me a while, Rori, but I gotta say … there is nothing more fun than circular dating with a VERY large number of men. Once you realize how incredibly FUN flirting really is, you just flirt and flirt and flirt. It becomes all about making THIS moment as fun as it can possibly be. I used to write men off if they were a certain age or lived far away, etc etc. Now there is something to appreciate about every single one of them. And who knows what adventures are ahead? 😉

    Erika (

  4.  #4Daria on November 6, 2008 at 2:18 am

    YAY I love it… I’m dating super many people now and this awesome guy called me tonite… I leaned back and did a lot of passion stories… I feel so confident about me now… I have had guys not call me back (even after making out) and it completely did not affect me! In fact I feel Convinced that they are still totally into me and are not calling me because they can’t do the relationship thing right now…

    I feel so happy… this man said one of my pictures online in a business suit was really attractive… and yet it made him hesitate to call me because he felt he might not be enough for me… that I might be a level above… this is kind of good… I see that I definitely am naturally weeding the bad ones out then… and I See that they really do worry that they can’t please me… so if they can’t come see me because they don’t drive they haven’t been calling me… how cute! I am going to have so much space for the ones who Can come… I feel so happy with my dating right now!!

  5.  #5Reshi on November 6, 2008 at 9:44 am

    4 men…10 men…20 men…it all sounds great and now I have a problem…I’ve been dating myself online and flirting with men, and now they are starting to ask me out! One guy asked me out and I could TELL he was a good man…so I gave him the truth, with feeling messages, and told him that I could only offer friendship at this time…others asked me out and I felt they weren’t good men, so I ignored them…but I’m sure even more men are going to fall out of the sky and crash on my online rock–it’s been growing exponentially and could quickly snowball into something I can’t handle!

    How do I handle this, seeing as I’m living somewhere worse than the girlfriend trap–the soon-to-be-ex-wife-who-gets-practically-no-attention trap…and yet I don’t want to CHEAT since he isn’t cheating to my knowledge…is it cheating to just flirt online, if I never meet any of the men in real life? Do I wait until there’s one I DO want to meet in real life, and then talk to my husband about the whole thing? I feel afraid that somehow I’m doing something wrong.

  6.  #6Karen on November 6, 2008 at 10:32 am

    I have been following your posts and am totally understanding how you feel….. i too thought I was going to be separated-divorced after learning my husband had a special “friend” ….. and so i had gotten online also and met several men i was attracted too…. but I too was honest with all of them and explained my situation…. I believe you can still work on your Rori tools and flirt and feel good about yourself without feeling guilty or even telling your husband….. like rori says go and have a coffee date…. get your vibe going….
    Have a LIFE outside of your man that is not giving you what you need right now…… HE WILL TAKE NOTE of your new found vibrancy and well if he does not ….. then
    you can cross that bridge when you decide your ready….
    I have used my rori tools to totally turn my marriage around by making my feeling messages and speeches and telling my man what I don’t want …… such as I don’t want to feel like i am part of a three some …. and i do want to be married and loved and cared about… etc etc so my advice would be you’re doing the right things keep up the good work and ENJOY YOUR LIFE>>>> and meeting new people…. you will learn something from each one….

  7.  #7Marplot on November 6, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    I’m not sure if you read the book- but the four man plan is about dating and following principles that help to keep the multiple dating thing more ethical while increasing you chances of meeting Mr Right.

    It called the four man plan because of the 4 whole men in the “mantris” – but the book encourages you date up to 16 men at that time. The mantris chart just helps to make things fun- its a tool used to show how the relationships are progressing.

    The only problem I have is opening up and meeting new men.

    Here is part one of the summary- 13 parts total

  8.  #8maya rasak, mft on November 6, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    i found your article on circular dating very interesting. I think one thing that it certainly focuses on is raising each woman’s self esteem.
    by circular dating (not waiting around for a certain someone to call after that date we thought was so wonderful, already frees us up and allows us to know we have many options.
    it also sends the message to these men we are dating that we have alternatives and aren’t waiting around for them.
    it does makes us more attractive to men of this generation who are always looking for something better, younger, wiser.
    love the article and love your work rori.

  9.  #9Rori Raye on November 6, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Marplot – Thank you so much for the link – Cindy’s hysterically funny – and correct – The 4MP Plan is great – I just don’t resonate with the statistical, mental nature of it, because it takes so much longer to get to the emotional issues that are driving us – and it can start to feel like a game so easily and then we don’t grow our own radar and intuition as fast – but here are the things that truly apply to what we’re doing here –

    1. Not dismissing a man because you’re not attracted to him the way you want to be, and giving him a chance –

    2. Getting as many men as possible into your rotation (or “graph” as she sets it up), and –

    3. Focusing on Fun – and on making this about growing your own confidence, self-esteem and positive “vibe” – so that when a really good guy you can connect to shows up – you’re ready.

    Love, Rori

  10.  #10pinki on November 6, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Hi Rori,
    This circular dating thing is really scary for me. I feel all sorts of weird things in my stomach.

    1. The person who broke up with me will start hating me.
    2. He will do the same just because I am doing it.
    3. I am an introvert, where do I find all these men or just people to make friends for that matter.
    4. Will they like me to even be friends with?
    5. What will my boy friend think about me? Will he get angry?
    6. If I do this, will I miss his slight chance of coming back?

    I am definitely into this girl friend trap even after break up Rori? Please advise….


  11.  #11Liz on November 6, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    Hi Rori, this is my first post after some lurking around your blog. I’m enjoying your work and perspective on dating. The Circular Dating approach reminds me of Greg (or Marcia) from The Brady Bunch who always seemed to have a few people they were going out with at various times…being from the generation now where The Girlfriend Trap is the more predominant model (and having been a serial monogomist myself), I was always envious of how Greg Brady would just rotate among several goovey chicks he liked. Being in my late 30s, I find this model a bit harder to execute due to a smaller pond to fish in at this point and wish I had done it more in my early-mid 20s. However, I’m trying online dating now after a break-up…not having a ton of results right now but its been fun to just have a random date here or there and work on leaning back / try out the “free therapy” on the guys. I keep reminding myself to use “I feel” messages, with some success but lots of room for improvement. One question I have is if you recommend as a hard and fast rule that the “I feel” (or maybe more the “I want…”_) messages should usually be phrased in the positive???..or, is it fine to convey how we’re feeling with the “I don’t want….” sentiment?
    Thanks for the work you’re doing.

  12.  #12Amari on November 6, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you so much for your generous work through your blog and book etc. I am learning from your words, from working through your material and from the other people writing in. Thank you all.

    I find it terribly difficult to approach the idea of dating more than one person at a time. In fact, I guess, even one person is almost too much sometimes. I get tension in my arms and body and deep anxiety. I don’t like crowds much and just find that people can make me feel very raw. I have had a few men in my life who have got a bit obsessive with me, but my goodness, I’m 40 now and a mother of two. Surely, I should be able to deal with this? I hear the value in what you say on one level, and am trying to come to terms with it, but I REALLY don’t think I can do it.

    Which makes me feel like I am destined to be on my own. Too defective. I emerged from a 16 year relationship a couple of years ago and since then I have shied away from men that have approached me on anything but a purely friendly level, even when I was kind of interested! I’ve been playing with the idea of online dating, but frankly it makes me feel ill and distressed. I don’t know if I manage my boundaries effectively. On the surface, I’m sure I look fine. Confident, together, great boundaries but inside I’m a mess when it comes to being with men.

    Don’t know precisely what I am trying to say except it feels like trying to climb Everest. I’m 40 but I feel like a the thickest, most inadequate, ill equipped, vulnerable, developmentally delayed woman alive when it comes to this.

    And now I’m going to cry.

  13.  #13Rori Raye on November 6, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    Amari – we’re all “wounded.” None of us are “defective.”

    We each have different things to learn to fulfill ourselves, and learning seems like an unpleasant experience.

    If you can learn to tolerate feeling distressed, and disturbed, and use my Tools – and the exercises in this blog – try the Power & Self-Esteem steps – you will start to feel RELIEVED of the pressure you feel from trying to keep them all stuffed inside you.

    Little by little, you can get used to the icky feelings and slowly build a way to get to the good feelings quicker.

    My Reconnect Your Relationship program will get you started on some Tools for this getting a “New Normal.”

    Everything takes practice. Commit to the Practice – and to the experience of the Feelings, and forget about the results – Instead, keep your major dream and goal of happiness and lifelong, committed relationship in your head and heart, and just see if you can take yourself step-by-step through the process using specific Tools from here, my eletters, and my programs.

    Love, Rori

  14.  #14alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 12:05 am

    hi amari. i understand your fears. you can start with baby steps. you can research SAFETY tips for how to go about dating online safely. once you armed with that info you can research different sites that are avail. is an ineteresting one and it’s even free. then you could start building a profile on the site for youself. you have the option to Hide your profile so no one can see it while you are tweaking it or deciding whether or not it is something you want to do. for someone like me who also has issues drawing boundaries —_nline dating has been great because i can keep things at a certain distance while i Practice with feeling messages and ‘what do thinks?’

  15.  #15alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 12:12 am

    hey didn’t quite get to finish my thoughts there so anyway i can practice online with people that i wouldn’t normally engage with and it’s easier to disnegage if i feel icky about them because they have no personal info about me. not a last name or phone number or email or anything. so i feel safe. and only with the guys i feel safe about do i give my number to or anything. i haven’t actually let men meet me yet from online but it has given me great skill and confidence and i have talked to alot of men on the phone and consequently i am much more successful meeting men in real life. which is what i prefer. but online is a great way to get your feet wet, practice, gain skills with drawing boundaries and also learning to suss out creepy guys. because it will happen. a creepy guy will accidentally get through and i’l feel scared. but it gets easier. just read up about online safety and also safety tips with your personal info and also safety tips about iff you decide to meet them and where and how to do that. but first steps first. baby steps with what you feel comfortable with. online gives you lots of control if you use it that way.

  16.  #16alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 12:20 am

    and on the subject of CIRCULAR DATING— oh my oh my today the world just looks like a candy store full of yummy men. all different kinds of yummy men to flirt with and go out with and who cares if he’s not THE ONE. i am beginning to enjoy getting mancandy attention. i just may never settle down there is so much candy to taste test. ahahahahahaa. i’m partly kidding bc i really do want to find HIM. but who says the journey to HIM can’t be full of fun dates and fun flirting and fun conversation and curious curious curious about each other. i can’t even remember that guy’s name that i let go five weeks, two days, ten hours, twenty two minutes and six seven eight seconds ago. 🙂 haha.

  17.  #17Daria on November 7, 2008 at 2:17 am

    Today a guy I met when out dancing called me. At first I felt very excited because I had forgotten about him and was feeling bored… and I felt goofy and worried that I had lost the laid back “mysterious” vibe I usually have when doing feeling messages (I believe I was still doing feeling messages when excited… I do them naturally now).
    He’s a few years younger… and I feel kinda upset because I feel like I “failed” to attract him… I said I feel worried because I don’t want someone who’s all about themselves… and he said no he thinks it should be about both of us… and he asked do I believe it should be “all about me”… I said yes… (because this is how I believe Rori wants us to think)… he said I’m mean… and basically that he wants it to be about both… and example (surprise surprise) that I have a car and don’t want to even come see him (his car will be fixed by the end of the month). Well my phone battery died at this point…
    I basically had told him how I feel comfortable just laying back and letting men come to me… until this convo most men have been ok with this or complained a little… especially if they had no easy way to come see me… I can tell they’re still interested most of the time though… does this mean he was “just not ready to do the relationship thing?” I will probably forget about him until he calls but then again the principle of the thing might bother me… am I doing this right? I feel worried…

    I feel a little angry at him and I love my anger… I feel happy that I communicated what I did and feel happy that in the future I might do an even better job… I feel worried and ashamed that I may have messed it up somehow since he did not agree to be all about me… I love my feelings… =)

  18.  #18Amari on November 7, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Gosh. Thank you Rori and Alias Girl. Alias Girl, I just read your response, something clicked in me, and I just switched over to a site, and wrote out a profile without thinking about it. The way you described it seemed safe and manageable and not so unprotected. So now, it’s out there! I made it a long one because I thought I’m going to be exactly me and however it falls, so be it. So, step 1 is done, I’ve opened the door a crack and the world hasn’t fallen in. Hoooo….
    Thanks again, and sorry if the first post was a little pathetic. It just felt like jumping off a cliff. So far from where I was. But you’re right. Baby steps.

  19.  #19Erika on November 7, 2008 at 9:38 am

    Hey everyone,

    Related to the subject of circular dating, I wanted to share a man’s perspective on the possibility of polyamory in a longer-term relationship:

    This guy is very grounded and solid. I can feel it in his vibe.

    Erika 😉

  20.  #20alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    wow that is so awesome amari. Please do read abouty safety with the whole thing and keep emailing through the site unless you feel safe enough to give him your personal email. and learn about safety with meeting these guys in public etcetc. get ready. you will be triggered. the self esteem series of posts will help you feel through all the feelings that come up. and you can practice roris tools and be wowed. good for you amari. baby steps at a pace that is safe and comfortable for you. like i mentioned i rarely meet guys from online in real life because i donLt feel that safe. but i do meet a lot more guys in real life bc of the work i’ve done online. 🙂 thank you rori for helping so many women which by us parcticing these tools and teaching men what is preferable behavior we are making it better for evryone. even people who never practice.these tools. wow. can i just say i am so glad we have a hopeful new start with a new president. just made me think of it bc i was talking about positive change for all.

  21.  #21Rori Raye on November 7, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    Liz – The most important thing is that it be the TRUTH. Circular Dating is about practicing and experimenting. See what feels most vulnerable and truthful, see which feeling you’re feeling is the most positive and try expressing THAT one. Love, Rori

  22.  #22gina on November 10, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    I like the idea of circular dating, but I have a hard time wanting to spend even 45 minutes with any man that I am not at least interested in. I feel like I don’t need 45 minutes to figure out whether I’m interested or not – I either feel compelled, or not. And, the problem is, that I average about 2 compelling men per year. I have made myself go on dates with men for the sake of dating, but it went horribly. I have a feeling that you are gonna let me have it, and I have a feeling I deserve it. But here it goes – I went on a date with a guy that I felt repulsed by, acted closed off, he kept pushing my buttons, and then told him off. He said I was a “B-word” payed the bill, left me to pay the tip, and left the restaurant without me! He proceeded to call me and text me over the next several hours to tell me what a horrible person I am. I ended up feeling bad that I provoked such an awful vibe with a person, and I apologized. He then asked me out again!! I said no, and he was back to calling me a “B-word.” I know it was a mistake to do dinner instead of coffee, and to have him drive me. He isn’t the first (and he wasn’t the last) guy I’ve ever been mean to. On a superficial level, I know guys are attracted to me, so I feel a need to put up distance – how can I do it in a healthier way? I also know that, on a deeper level, I am insecure about whether a man that I actually like will be truly attracted to the real me. I feel out of whack and unsure how to balance out. I appreciate your help!

  23.  #23Daria on November 18, 2008 at 3:35 am

    Wow Gina… I hope Rori answers… I am very interested to what her input would be on this scenario. Brava to you for having guys drive you… i’m working on meeting ones that want to do this for me. And for having the ability to be mean… although you may or may not want to do this. Obviously the guy was attracted to you if he asked you out again! Sounds like he had some major issues of his own if he was back to the Bword right after. I would totally ignore him if you don’t want his attention… although something similar happened to me where a guy kept texting me about what a horrible person I am, and when I responded in feeling messages (I felt amused), well he hasn’t stopped texting me since wanting to see me.

    I also want to see how Rori responds to needing to put up a distance in a healthy way… from what I understand we are supposed to work on letting men in as close as possible… so maybe putting up a distance isn’t the way. I guess we can communicate… I don’t feel comfortable being so close to you right now… etc. and that would be being open and emotionally close without having to be physically close…

  24.  #24gina on November 20, 2008 at 1:06 am

    Thanks for the response. This scenario actually happened a little while back, but I see it played out again and again in all my relationships – it’s extreme, so I thought maybe it revealed some key issue I can address. I tend to dote over the unavailable guys, and avoid or abuse the guys that go for me. With nice guys, I end up really annoyed. And for a while, they almost seem to like how “tough” I am, and then I get mean enough to where they finally get the point that I am actually disliking them. They back off, and then I finally have a little respect. Usually, I express the respect, and they say or do something that reminds me why I can’t stand them. What’s the deal?! I feel like a mean jerk. Like I don’t even belong on this forum, cause all the other women are so vulnerable and NICE and caring and sweet. I do want a man, but I want to respect and Love the heck out of him. I want to think really highly of him – I want to think he’s GREAT!! I guess to some degree, I don’t feel great enough for that guy, yet. And every time I’m mean, I feel less deserving of someone great. I just played out the very same dynamic with a female roommate. I felt that she was dependent on me for a while, and I kind of liked being there for her. But I didn’t have much respect or affinity for her. I used to feel annoyed by her, and I would just deal and do the polite thing. Then, sometimes, I would disconnect and sing and be goofy in my own world to get away. And now, lately, I’ve expressed my annoyance. Is annoyance even a worthy feeling to express? Or isn’t it juvenile and high maintenance? What’s the root of it, and how is the best way to address it maturely and respectfully? Cause I didn’t treat her with respect at all – I just told her I found her annoying, which of course has deteriorated the relationship. We talked, but I ended the conversation by telling her she was annoying me again!!! I think that guy who left the restaurant was right to some degree. I am being an awful person when I act that way. Is that the real me? Is it a defense? Is that my inner monster? Oh – I do remember Rori talking about our inner monster and how we should keep her under control. But the problem is, that I have a genuine lack of good feeling for the people I’m treating this way. Maybe I need to join a church and get into fellowship? By the way, that sounds awful to me. Do I need a dose of something outside of my comfort zone? Or do I need to find a comfort zone, which will naturally inspire me to protect that environment and the people in it. And another big, huge issue is that I have created a program to empower girls with a positive body image, and self-esteem. I know – GOOD LUCK!! right? I feel like I better nip this in the bud, or I better learn to love my waitressing job, and get over my allergies to cats. Cause I’m head for lonely Catladyville!
    Well, that felt pretty good to sort out and express. Would love to know your thoughts on how I can be less of a b-word and more of warm, luscious, popular, Great-Man-deserving, Loving, reasonable, grown-up Woman. Thank you!

  25.  #25alias girl on November 21, 2008 at 12:12 am

    hi gina the power and self esteem series right here on this blog is EXCELLENT. start from the first post and work your way through. also in the comments you can see how as people went along rori would tweak what they were doing. gina you are probably the exact opposite of a b word. you are probably too nice. i experience the same feelings you have for the guys that either a) don’t respect themselves or are desparate & clingy or b) guys that are users and pretend to be quote unquote nice guys. you seem to be acting out on your frustration though which seems to be making you feel bad about yourself so i wonder why you are hanging out with these men you dislike. it could be an issue of boundaries and not being able to speak them clearly and thus act out passive aggrressively. and believe me i am not judging you. the only way i am guessing these possibilities is because THOSE ARE THINGS I USED TO DO. anyway chekc out the power and self esteem series. i think it’s on the right hand side bar of this blog. 🙂

  26.  #26gina on November 21, 2008 at 10:35 am

    Alias Girl,
    Thank you so much. I think you’re right about the passive aggressive route that I’ve tended to take. It’s gotten me into trouble. The only boyfriend I’ve ever had (who, btw, I didn’t like), stalked me after I broke up with him, and I had to get a restraining order. I felt like a b-word trying to push him away, too. But you’re helping me see that I shouldn’t be spending my energy judging whether I’m nice or not. I ought to trust my feelings and communicate truthfully and the problem ought to be solved. I also ought to open up so that I can feel whole and authentic, and sense when someone is too close for comfort, rather than be so closed off that the only men who would dare to trespass my wall, are the creepos – that should take care of the issue of not meeting decent men. I’m surprised at how helpful this forum is – Thank you very much!!

  27.  #27Susan on November 9, 2011 at 3:11 am


    My difficulty with all this including the 4-man plan is not moral or about finding men. It is simply that I barely fancy any of the men. The idea in Lu’s book that your sick-feeling at having to date a man you find unattractive is just ‘silly’ really bothers me – noone would expect a man to date women he found unattractive! In fact a man just wouldn’t do it. Every time I line up a date with any of these men I feel sick – NOT fun. I don’t see the point of flirting with men I don’t fancy possibly cos my esteem is already quite high. Is there a valid reason why women should date men they don’t fancy or is it purely that since men won’t settle we have to? Sigh.