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Here’s More Answers:

The Questions:

1. If men connect emotionally through sex, then why can they have sex and it just seems so meaningless to them and they feel zero commitment or responsibility to you afterwards?

2. So men connect with us through our emotions/feelings… but in the beginning stages, when they pull away and trigger my insecurity and abandonment fears, I’m not supposed to communicate that particular anger because it will put him off because it feels like pressure to him and it feels to him I’m overly invested too soon and not enough of a challenge? But it is my honest straightforward feeling is that I’m irritated with him because he didn’t do what I wanted. So do I communicate my true feeling or repress/act unbothered?

(And please don’t tell me that the answer is in your program, which I can buy)

HERE’S MY RESPONSE TO YOUR FIRST QUESTION:
It sounds so off right? How can a man be trying to connect with us emotionally through sex then disappear, go distant and pull away… Big frustration for all of us!

Part of the conundrum is how differently wired to life men and women are. If we look at a man’s behavioral pattern as more ‘living in the moment’ instinct, see if this shifts the perspective at all.

Men are incredibly sensitive and ‘in tune’ with when things ‘feel right’ in the moment. We’ve all seen how a man will gravitate toward one woman and just ‘get’ deep down that she’s for him in a forever type sense, where all of we may feel uncertain and confused without more time and deliberation.

We’ll weigh the pros and cons, wonder and even try to talk through if and how he’ll be there for us and if he can be who we need him to be tomorrow, next week, next year…In 10 years…. Where a man is feeling how true this is in the moment now. Do we have an agenda for him, if and how we’ll change, and if we’ll try to take away the freedom he has.

And some of these men will be satisfied simply having been able to connect deeply on that one occasion, or over that one summer. This “living in the moment” can be so charming, and yes, we’re really not so warm to being the short term option for any man.

If you’ve found yourself in this position, feeling confused after one great night, or a few great weeks of good sex I really understand how horrible it feels. I’m right there with you and have so many stories… Some advice that’s served me and saved so many of my clients from heartbreak is to not lump exclusivity and commitment to sexual exclusivity. These are totally different, and can give you some incredible peace of mind when you start seeing, feeling, and knowing what you need in order to be exclusive, sexually or otherwise. So many of us women have grown up being told it’s the same conversation when it’s not.

HERE’S MY RESPONSE TO YOUR SECOND QUESTION:
There’s a big difference between ‘performing’ emotional drama – telling a man off, telling a man how our anger, hurt, and discomfort is his fault and sharing the deeper more vulnerable and ‘no fault’ invitation to connection we want to extend in a relationship.

Without oversimplifying, we’re talking about how to authentically share our emotions and what we want and not blasting a man with complaints. And yes, there’s longer, more detailed answers in many of my books and programs, and even live coaching. 😉😉😉

If what you want is for your relationship to be a sanctuary of love, where you both feel safe and have the space to be with the whole soup of all you feel. Disappointment and anger right along with the bliss and joy – you’ll naturally WANT to explore what options are available for you to express yourself, be heard, and support the team.

It’s really not that you can’t express anger how you express the anger is where your opportunity for connection is. Blaming him doesn’t work. THAT’S pressure to him (for anyone really).

Let’s break this down even more, you’re noticing you’re feeling upset and this upset, angry feeling feels directly connected to his action, and It’s not about him. That’s where we all get lost. It’s not about him, it’s really not.

Brilliant catch, by the way noticing, “I’m irritated with him because he didn’t do what I wanted.”

Can you go beyond ‘him’ and the frustration of what’s out of your control. Here’s another really significant feminine energy concept to help shift everything for you when you get it. Let go of control.

Another small tweak here, if you were to share this message with him from a place of ‘what’s under the irritation’ and our anger is always in proportion to the effort and investment we’re making into a man.

What would you say from here, when you get it’s not about him at all, when you’re no longer saying, “I feel angry because you didn’t _____________.” What’s there?

You might find yourself saying something like, “I was really looking forward to….________ and when ______ didn’t happen, I started feeling all twisted up and confused”

The real emotional connection and magic happens as we’re more real with ourselves about what it was we really wanted, and those feminine wants are always deeper than what a man is or isn’t doing in any one moment.

You may find yourself still wanting to have those conversations with a man, perhaps even still feeling uncomfortable – yet you’ll be inviting connection without attack, blame, control and all the tactics creating avoidance and disconnect.

I hope this helps!

 

And helpful comments from MEN:

1. This woman is a genius. Even included some info in the comments about how men can up their game as well. Thanks!

2. That was more correct than anything I have heard before.

 

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