Adventure in the Universe

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Another Note From the Universe to jump off from.

Because we’re working so much with words and body language – it’s easy to start second-guessing yourself and become too “careful.” And being overly “careful” and hyper-vigilant and watchful and mental is the exact OPPOSITE of what we want to do!

What we want to do is the 6 E’s – Explore, Experiment, Engage, Experience, Express, Expand…

And Experiment and Adventure it is!!! Just think about trying stuff. Even if you’re scared. Don’t worry so much about how things will ‘work out” – instead focus on having FUN in the moment.

Even if you feel tense and anxious in this moment, you can loosen up, get present and start to have fun in the next. All morphs. All shifts. All you have to do is be in the boat when it moves…

Here’s the note from www.Tut.com:

Do you know what they all have in common, Rori?

You know, the billions and billions who came before you, who used to live in the jungles of time and space.

Their adventure is over.

You know what else?

Given another chance, they’d take more risks. Not because they’d always succeed, but because from where they are now, the glory of knowing they at least tried, far exceeds any regrets of never knowing what might have been.
Tallyho,
The Universe

Rori, it’s NEVER too late to try something new.

So – Pick an adventure for this week – an experiment – something you’ve never done before, and let us know how it FELT…even if it didn’t turn out the way you’d expected or hoped.

Love, Rori

Posted in

132 Comments

  1.  #1heartbeat on March 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Yes, yes and YES. I feel tempted to re-post my comments from the last thread! Right on the button – thanks, Rori xx



  2.  #2Turtle Girl on March 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    3 cheers and tally ho! for this post. YES.
    I have been talking to people everywhere I go all week long. My new adventure? I went shopping and actually spent money on myself for new bras, panties, tops and purses. I haven’t done that in ten years.

    I hate shopping-so going to the mall was for me a new adventure. lol



  3.  #3Turtle Girl on March 25, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Hi Heartbeat how are you sweetie?



  4.  #4heartbeat on March 25, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Hi Turtle Girl! I’m feeling great tonight:) have posted on the last thread about my latest adventures. Now tucked up in bed and reading from my phone. It feels so good to find you on here treating yourself to yummy stuff:) xx



  5.  #5Daria on March 25, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    I felt horrible yesterday and im feelin great today!

    Thank you tapping and ME!!!

    ps i went to the women’s clinic – got an instant appointment – and will be getting antibiotics soon

    yay medicine woman me

    oh i also learned to flush and trace my bladder and kidney meridians

    flushing my bladder meridian last nite while tossing and turning completely allowed that part of my body to relax



  6.  #6Daria on March 25, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Thank you Tapping World Summit – there are some GREAT practitioners presenting. I’ve learned something – a lot of somethings – from each one, i’ve only heard 3 out of like 20.



  7.  #7Daria on March 26, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Hello: i feel dazed and teary

    something amazing happend

    i ‘met’ a man online

    he was chatting with my online and i actually told him i feel tired of being on the computer it would feel nice to talk

    he asked for my number

    i gave it to him

    he texted me

    i said hi

    he texted back he wants a pic

    i said i dont like to text

    he said ok whats my name and he wants a pic

    i didnt answer then i said Daria

    15 min later he called

    i talked to him for 3 hours

    he said he was coming to visit my area, he lives in a different state

    he wants me to show him around

    im kina feelin him

    we have a lot in common, like we are both hood

    wiat wait HERES THE AMAZING PART

    HE MAKES 64 THOUSAND A MONTH DOING INTERNET MARKETING

    UM yes

    hes gonna teach me

    um thank you GOD

    oh

    and i like him
    yes i do

    ive never been able to “go for money” if anything that scares me away

    i actually LIKE HIM. and i DO admire him

    oh

    and

    he said i make him feel like he could be more… like anything… like superman

    wow I DO?!! yay

    i used the tools

    i cried when iwas telling him about how i want to learn and how i feel afraid and desperate

    AND

    i told him i feel afraid i might get desperate and cling on him because of the money

    yes i Told him this

    yes

    i opened up

    omgosh

    I feel

    wowed

    thanks God



  8.  #8Daria on March 26, 2010 at 1:02 am

    HEllo again:

    so its possible to have anything you want.

    its possible to meet a gangsta man that is good and also that in june of 2009 started an internet marketing thingy and now makes 64 thousand a month

    funny is, i just sent Another man, before this, the link to a internet marketing program that i was hoping he would complete, and then teach me

    i stopped at day 5, resistance,

    WOW

    WOW

    WOW

    WO
    w

    i feel teary

    omgod



  9.  #9Daria on March 26, 2010 at 1:04 am

    it IS true!

    it IS true!!

    omg out of the most unexpected places. theyre comign to find me in my cave

    just like i designed him

    i told him he’s a figment of my mind because im a Goddess and i created the world

    i told him he’s a real person too

    theyre both true
    hehehe

    um he’s REALLY feelin me

    and im feelin him

    and hes gonan come see me

    he almost decided to drive here tonite

    after all, he does whatever he wants

    wow

    I love Daria



  10.  #10Daria on March 26, 2010 at 1:20 am

    um hes 21

    maybe hes my soulmate

    maybe thats why i like younger hood guys and expect them to be good and have huge amounts of money… he even likes dragons

    wow!!

    oh

    he asked ME what i want in the world

    and i told him i start feeling really intensely talking about it and i feel overwhelmed so i just spit it out

    that i want to set somethng up for people comign out of prison so they can have a place to stay and a car and license and stuff they need

    and i want there to be no prisons and move towards that

    and iwant to help people in poverty like in romania and in the world

    and then i started crying

    wow

    this was amazing

    he even likes eating pussy! which i like! and he wants to bring me roses! omgosh

    ohhh

    and he said i have a lot of “rules” and i started to feel self conscious because seme guys say that about my dating “rules” but id dint even tell him most of them but i said oh no now i feel self conscious

    and then he sais well rules sound too harsh jsut things demanded well thats too harsh

    so im like ok yeah i have a lot of requirements this is true

    so guess what he didnt mind them =)

    then he told me how his last gf cheated on him with his brother And his best friend wtf… and she said she felt smothered

    and i TOLD HIM THE TRUTH that i felt worried cuz it reminded me of my bf in college and i felt smothered, and i felt concerned of whether i would feel that too… and then the feeling dispelled

    oh

    and i told him i dont like hearing about other women… this is when he said aobut the rules hehe

    ohmogosh

    i just kept saying what was really real with me

    like my legs feel tight

    etc

    oh wow

    i feel so intense

    i felt GOOD and intense

    and not “on edge” and scared or judged

    this is a GOOD MAN

    omgosh

    this is wild and feels exciting and intriguing and SCARY



  11.  #11heartbeat on March 26, 2010 at 2:11 am

    Wow Daria – yeah I can really feel that – excited, amazed and scared!! Oh hey I feel happy and I’m nodding like one of those dog toys in a car rear-window lol. Cheering you on, cheering me on too xx



  12.  #12DocK on March 26, 2010 at 6:15 am

    This is a great post, Rori. I was initially surprised to learn that a lack of risk-taking behavior can be evidence of lack of high self-esteem. It didn’t make sense to me at first. Why the correlation? Then I looked at my own life and issues with self-esteem (I have come a long way from where I began) and thought of my father.

    I love him dearly but he tried so hard to “protect” us. Most of the time we wanted to do something that he thought of as “risky” he would try to talk us out of it. He said it was because he loved us and didn’t want us to experience disappointment like he had in his life. The thing is, the message I got from this was over and over that I was “not good enough” because it was always that he felt I couldn’t compete because “you have to be the best” (implying, then, that I couldn’t be that) or “you can’t compete with the kids from the suburbs” (I was from the inner-city) and so on.

    So I internalized this “not good enough” and it is something I have and continue to work on over and over again.

    I am glad I didn’t always listen and I must tell you that when I did go for something, he was very proud of me. He was there at the Dance Fever auditions when my partner and I actually got selected to compete on the show. He was so funny, though, he waited outside, afraid to hear the results and when he came in and we were all jumping around he had tears in his eyes and was all choked up.

    When I graduated with my PhD, he was there (with my mom even though they have been divorced since I was 10) and filming my walk to get “hooded” even though they had to drive from Detroit to TN to be there.

    I feel proud that I did try in spite of my fears but I also know there were things I didn’t do because of my insecurity. I have learned that saying is true – courage isn’t being unafraid, courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. Here’s to more healthy risk-taking.



  13.  #13Tina on March 26, 2010 at 9:32 am

    An adventure…



  14.  #14Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    I feel uninspired by an email I got from a dating site guy who I felt attracted to.

    He wrote, “Tell me more about yourself.”

    I feel bored by that statement. What do you want to know? How am I supposed to know what he wants to know about me?

    How would you other Sirens respond to this?

    If he wasn’t the only guy I have felt attracted to in two years besides TN man, I would just not respond.

    I feel frustrated. And kinda mad.

    Advice welcome!

    <3
    Lucy



  15.  #15Maria on March 26, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Hi Lucy,
    was thinking – how about you take a bit of a playful tone in your response – he might as well as be polite or just asking to see what you respond, or asking the question (he has probably been asking this question many times as he is in dating site, and thats what u “suppose to do”.
    So you go, shake him up from the uninspired question. Tell him smth like –
    l recently discovered….
    Last week l found out that l really like….
    l went to see the movie that still makes me wonder….
    now add, what you really think..Its something not common response, it has to be ALIVE. For instance, when l got those questions (and belive me, they irritated me as same as it irritates you now) l realized they dont want to hear that l like the music, films and fashion. l remember l once wrote that l was really amazed about how huge airplane is A380 (and belive l am amazed) and l really want to travel to Iceland, cos this country is weird:) See what l mean.



  16.  #16heartbeat on March 26, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Lucy, I would say “mmmm… I feel hesitant to even begin, there’s so much to tell – where do you think I should start? 😉 “



  17.  #17Daria on March 26, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    oh wow Dock that is so touching about your father i am feeling rocked with tears right now



  18.  #18BigLuv on March 26, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Hey there, Daria,

    You stick to your rules! When I was a teenager, I used to write contracts and freak out all the boys I dated. High-value women are supposed to hard to get next to, if a guy balks, then maybe he’s not the right guy. The guy who’s right for you should be happy to prove his worth to you by honoring your limits. Yo go Grrrrrl!

    Peace,

    BL



  19.  #19DocK on March 26, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Thank you, Daria, I feel privileged if it touched your heart.

    Many people have forgiven me for my failings so I have forgiven him for his – his intentions were good – even if the fall-out wasn’t so much.

    He feels proud of all of his children. He is more emotional than he used to be and he compliments us as well as says, “I love you” – something that I felt freaked out about at first. Funny how that is but he is in his 80s now and has had some health stuff. I feel very grateful that I get to have this experience of his softer side. : )



  20.  #20Daria on March 26, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    BigLUV – thank you for the encouragement! hey… i suddenly feel inspired – thank you!

    i was thinking of “rules” as inauthentic and rigid and

    i just realized i can LOVE MY RULES

    i love my rules

    yes i have rules… rules about treating me well.. yay!

    THANK YOU
    THANK YOU~!



  21.  #21Honey on March 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    I feel mixed. I don’t want o be in a relationship but I want to feel like a girl. I feel so stressed and too thinky. I want to feel soft and gooey? I don’t know how?? I want a lover maybe but I feel like my vibe is not attractive even though I feel like a beautiful woman. I feel like I don’t know how. I feel all tense. I feel the need for more money because I don’t earn a lot and I want to be able to pamper myself. Now I feel materialistic. I feel confused. I love myself so so so much yet I feel a bit disconnected from me. : (



  22.  #22Daria on March 26, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Honey! hUGS – your feelings sound beautiful!

    what makes me feel really feminine is Rori’s meditation of holding my arm out and letting the AIR and the SOUNDS caress and TOUCH me…



  23.  #23Honey on March 26, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Now I feel selfish



  24.  #24Honey on March 26, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Now I feel smiley because I feel proud that I put myself out there…along with all the other stuff that I said. I wish I had girl friends. I love people so much, I know I am kind open and loving to other females but I still feel that they are intimidated by me. I don’t know how to bod with females!!! help? Its so easy with guys, but since I use them all as practice I don’t have friends. I want girlie times!xoxoxoxo



  25.  #25Honey on March 26, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Thanks Daria, I’ll try it… I don’t know the specifics but I’ll wing it x



  26.  #26Tina on March 26, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Lucy, I would say, I like man who will call me and ask to take me on a date 🙂

    He say, “whats your number?”

    you say, “555555”

    He calls 🙂 and asks you on a date , the rest is history

    personally I would feel kinda annoyed well a lot annoyed if a man asked me that in an email.



  27.  #27Tina on March 26, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    I wanted to go on an adventure tonight but I have a cold *sniff



  28.  #28Tina on March 26, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I was told by this guy today , that he and his friend saw me somewhere and the friend asked him who I was, he said forget it your not in her league, I was feeling all flattered. He said he would date me if he wasnt in a relationship, I was like wow thank you. He is a smoothie, smooooooooooth. hehe.



  29.  #29Tina on March 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    “she” forced me to shake her hand, I was really good about it, I did ugh! I breathed and felt my anxiety and fear. I felt scared of a confrontation. I think everyone in the meeting room was holding their breaths, I could almost feel it hehe. I noticed her energy as forceful and masculine, then he showed up ugh! the only thing that helped me through was “a can of peas” lol. There were about 60 people in the room so it wasnt like I had to be or he had to be in my zone. While I was sitting I had my pen and paper and writting FEELING messages to myself lol was great!



  30.  #30Tina on March 26, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    I used a FEELING MESSAGE to a person in a position of power and he didnt finish trying to cut me off, he just looked at me and said oh then sat down hehe I had the fucken floor! lol



  31.  #31Jessie on March 26, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    I am going on an adventure…I got into a phd program 3000 miles away. Me and my 2 kids will go with me and all of a sudden my man decided that he is not sure about us….I feel hurt, sad, lonely, scared, and crushed, and fluctuate between depressed and pissed off. My kids are not his but they love him to death (more than their own dads) and I am lost. I feel like half a person and I dont know how to play it–should I pretend I dont care (almost impossible) or should I kick him out (we live together)–I am afraid my emotions will get the best of me__any advice will help…



  32.  #32Turtle Girl on March 26, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Lucy-
    Here are some of the these I say to “tell me about yourself”

    >>>I love going out in the garden in the winter time after it rains and watch the spider webs and how they glisten from the raindrops, they are so beautiful and the webs are so amazing, so full of wonder.

    I love the way the mud feels in between my toes in the garden after it rains. Whenever I play my guitar it takes me out of space and time to a different place that is so peaceful and so lost. I have a cat named Jack who…..I feel that ice cream in the winter time is especially yummy<<<<<

    You get the idea. It's not boring like I work at x and I am the head accountant for X and I like baseball and movies….BORING!!!!!!



  33.  #33Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Right, Turtle Girl, but the thing that gets me, is that my profile was FULL of stuff like what you wrote! Ya know?

    <3
    Lucy



  34.  #34Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Tina, your idea rocks, but unfortunately he is um long distance. (I know I know!!)



  35.  #35Tina on March 26, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    lol Lucy



  36.  #36Tina on March 26, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Lucy, how long is long distance? The question would throw me off balance, what a loaded question ugh! I want world peace? but then who would I fight with? What’s your fav color, uh…I dont have one. What’s your fav music? I like anything with a catchy beat? Tell me about yourself? uh…I want a shit load of money but I dont have any? Tell me about yourself, uh…I have an attitude problem, I may be a sociopath? dunno. I want to go on an adventure I dont have time for this shit, your driving me nuts! go away! I feel triggered 🙂



  37.  #37Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    Tina – 600 miles. 🙁



  38.  #38Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    And I just broke my own rule of no phone calls (weird rule, I know, but I hate talking on the phone and this convo made me renew that hatred) — I talked to a more local guy for like an hour and it was fun and he was funny but I ACCEPTED a dinner date for tomorrow night and wish I hadn’t and didn’t really want to because I already know that he is NOT Mr. Right and I know he is gonna like me and want to date me and I am not gonna feel the same way and I am gonna have to tell him that and I HATE HATE HATE telling guys that, because every time I do they get upset and act like I am a BAD person — one guy even TOLD me “I thought you were one of the good ones but I guess not”…. WTF?????

    So I am so mad at myself for not having the guts to say NO to this guy on the phone!!!!

    🙁



  39.  #39Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    I was afraid to say no on the phone because I was afraid he would start saying bad things about me on the phone and it would upset me and ruin my night. 🙁



  40.  #40Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Because, you know, I do that “Don’t upset Lucy” tool.



  41.  #41Daria on March 26, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    wow i feel angry and frustrated…

    I would use Rori’s tools including Circular Dating and TELLING THE TRUTH to a man, practicing until I no longer felt so triggered and afraid of what he would say when I told him I’m not feeling he is the one

    and i would date lots of men that are not the one, because im practicing circular dating for ME, precisely because I don’t have the clearness to communicate clearly to men, and i’m worrying about thier feelings, then i won’t communicate clearly to “the one”

    i feel sooo triggered

    i feel like use rori’s tools or else

    i feel hot in my head i feel blanked out

    i feel hot in my liver

    i feel sigh

    i love my feelings

    i feel hot in my mouth

    i love my hot feelings

    i feel my mouth twitching

    i love my twitching mouth

    yeah the whole point of circular dating is to practice telling them how we feel,
    and in turn to practice open up to men who are not the one

    that way we wind up honest and open ourselves and the one then shows up



  42.  #42Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Wow, Daria, I feel so surprised and weird that you feel so angry and triggered.



  43.  #43Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    I am not worrying about HIS feelings — I am concerned about MY feelings.



  44.  #44Lucy on March 26, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    I have dated tons of men who are not the one and I have told them that they are not the one, but I DO NOT LIKE IT and I DO NOT WANT to keep telling men they are not the one.

    I have no trouble expressing my feelings to men, except for telling men they are not the one. I just hate doing it. So I think it is better for me to AVOID putting myself into situations over and over again where I have to tell them that. It doesn’t get better or easier the more times I do it. It just is what it is.

    Like, no matter how many times a doctor practices telling patients they have cancer, most doctors never get to the point where it doesn’t still feel awful. They would rather avoid it if they could.

    Some things are just hard to say to people. They don’t ever get easy. And it has nothing to do with something needing to heal.



  45.  #45Daria on March 26, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Lucy – yeah i feel weird too… i don’t know whatsup with that… i feel all judging towards myself about writing that and how i was feeling

    i love my feelings

    hmm i still feel tightened up reading the your last message



  46.  #46Alicia on March 26, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Lucy –
    When you go on your date if you feel anything just say it.. I feel a little nervous, I feel like the vibe in this place is cool, I feel like I need to go home early, I feel more of a friend vibe. Good and bad.. shoot practice with the weather, Sounds like tomorrow will be great honesty and boundry practice. 🙂



  47.  #47Alicia on March 26, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    L-

    lol.. Actually do whatever you want to do 🙂
    That is what I would do.. tehee.



  48.  #48Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Daria – I just practiced telling the truth to a man I emailed back and forth with a few times but didn’t meet. His last email said “What would it take for you to feel comfortable to meat me and see where this takes us.”

    Normally I would do one of two things with a guy like this who I am not at all interested in. 1. Ignore the email, or 2. Agree to meet him so he doesn’t feel completely rejected.

    So, inspired by YOU, Daria, I tried something DIFFERENT for me that is MORE HONEST. I emailed him this: “Andy, thanks for your sweet emails, but I just have a feeling that we are not a good match for each other. Have a great weekend, and I hope we both find who we’re looking for really soon! :)”

    Now, I know you probably wanted me to go out with him so I could practice this message in person, but do you think this was pretty good anyway? 🙂

    Tonight on my date with the Mailman (not mine lol), I will get a chance to practice saying something like that in person. I feel nervous about it. Wouldn’t it be funny if he says it to me first? Lol. That hasn’t happened to me yet, so maybe it will tonight!

    <3
    Lucy



  49.  #49Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Alicia – thanks for your input. 🙂

    <3
    Lucy



  50.  #50Daria on March 27, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Lucy – no I don’t think the point of circular dating is to tell men we’re not a good match. The point is to meet and practice open being men who arenta good match. That way our actual good match can be received.



  51.  #51Daria on March 27, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Lucy – althought i do feel glad that you told him the truth!

    I would have told him I don’t feel attracted to him right now. Because I have been to a men’s seminar and they were practicing tools and SHOCKINGLY I felt attracted to each one when they stared deep in my eyes and tried to make connection – NONE of these men would I have considered the possibility of being attracted to before. So it IS possible.

    “That’s what Circular Dating is for – for you to take chances with men you wouldn’t ordinarily feel okay taking.

    If a man’s a “dud” in your old way of looking at things – perhaps he’s absolutely PERFECT for you to practice the Tools you need to practice with.

    Perhaps he’s gentle and kind, and he can actually HANDLE the emotions you’ll just start letting ooze out. Perhaps he’s an angry man and you’ll all-of-a-sudden “get” that red flag about him and walk away fast, before he has a chance to work his charm on you.

    Perhaps he’s a nice guy and you feel “guilty” about “leading him on” – when what he’s really there for is for you to practice Telling the Truth!”

    so you told him the truth, yes, but you also cut him off.

    what about receiving from him?



  52.  #52Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Daria – If we spend all our time with guys who are not a good match for us then we won’t be ABLE to meet a man who IS a good match cuz we’re spending all our time with guys who are not good matches.



  53.  #53Daria on March 27, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Lucy I don’t want to argue with you.

    There is no “good match.”

    There is only a woman able to receive and a man that can and does step up.

    Rori’s tools work. They’re working for me and they’ve worked for many other women. Circular Dating works. It’s therapy with men. It’s not about dating. It’s about healing ourselves with men directly.



  54.  #54Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Yes, I know what you mean about the men’s seminar experience. It is my belief and experience that I can allow myself to feel attraction for and even love ANY man if I choose to. That’s why I used the phrase “not a good match” — cuz there are certain qualities that I want in a man, and he didn’t have them. Nothing wrong with him, just not the right guy for me.



  55.  #55Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    I don’t want to argue either. I just want to understand.



  56.  #56Lucy on March 27, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    I am not questioning Rori’s tools — I feel confused why you think I’m questioning them. I am USING her tools. With circular dating, you don’t have to actually go on a date with every man who asks you.



  57.  #57Ingrid on March 27, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Gals:

    Have lost the thread about the stripper….please help me find it….wanted to post something else.

    Thanks much

    Sally



  58.  #58Alicia on March 27, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Lucy & Daria

    Can I chime in? Good cause I am anyways. haha

    I see both points.. BUT here is the kicker, if you on a sating website or two.. How on earth do you respond to everyone, I feel bad not responding.. But, I’m so overwhelmed trying to respond to everyone.. I just burned out and havent been back on to check my emails in days. There are some guys I like chatting with but, I havent given my number to anyone. So am I supposed to respond and try to go out will all of them? The ones who are under 28 which for is about the youngest maturity level I feel good around. I sau you are great but, I feel like you might be to young. Anyway.. The point is what do you do when it’s overwhelming??



  59.  #59Alicia on March 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Hi Rori.. PLEASE advise on a web dating technical question…

    What do you do when you are web dating and flooded with cute and sometimes very random guys? Do you respond and try and go out with all of them? Or base it on your gut before you go out if you feel your not attracted based on the brief chit chat and physical attraction? There are so many random people on the web. And I just refuse to go out with a 20 yr old.. Not sure how I feel about the one 15yrs my senior.

    THANKS!!!!!!



  60.  #60Alicia on March 27, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Personal FUNNY example from the dating “internet” men:

    I had a guy ask me how I felt about a “Sugar Daddy” relationship? I think we can all agree in this case it would serve me NO PURPOSE TO MEET HIM in person. But, instead of ignoring him..

    I said, Actually I have thought about it and I feel it would NOT be HEALTY for me EMOTIONALLY. I’m sure there are plenty of girls who would hop that train but, it’s not for me.

    He said: What do we have to co make you comfortable?
    I said: there is nothing you can do.. I have a strong faith life and it’s not for me on any level..

    He said: What about friends with “benefits”
    I said: I have to ask you… Why not just date? If you want to spoil some one great.. But, I have to ask you if you are married?

    He said: He was seperated, so that is why.
    Did I believe him??? UHHHHHHH NO! I think he is married.

    That was great for testing my boundries but they didn’t need to get tested any further. Amen 🙂



  61.  #61S. on March 27, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    I’ve done some online dating, and unlike most of the people who comment here, I loved it (though also saw its limitations). I’m about to start again, and am in the process of developing a business to edit people’s dating profiles (I’m an editor by trade). So I’m going to give my two cents, though your question was addressed to Rori. 🙂

    Like you, I was swamped with emails, especially at the beginning, and I developed a strategy that allowed me to keep up with them and feel good about how I was treating each person. It’s still a lot of work, but who said finding love was no work?

    I responded to each person who sent me an actual email, but not to winks. I sorted the email guys into “yes,” “no,” and “maybe.” The “no’s” I sent a sweet but firm email saying how flattered I was that they had contacted me but that I did not feel we were a match (sometimes I gave a reason, sometimes not). Anyone well outside my age range, or who seemed creepy to me fell into this category, but I otherwise tried to be very open in considering potential dates.

    The “yesses” and “maybes” I sent a short, flirtatious email, playing off something they’d written to me or asking a question based on something they’d said in their email or profile. This is a delaying tactic, in part, but it also lets you see how they will respond. I prioritized replies and dates in terms of their yes or maybe rating—the yesses might move more quickly to phone and date, while the maybes likely stayed longer in the email communication phase. This let me manage how many men I wanted to meet in any given week. I get easily overwhelmed, and wanted to be able to keep it to a number I felt comfortable with. If they got bored or wandered off before I was ready, I figured they weren’t for me anyway.

    What was amazing was how many of the men I rejected sent me really charming emails thanking me for responding. There’s often a lack of politeness in internet connections, but that should not be the case.



  62.  #62Soignée on March 28, 2010 at 1:31 am

    I came to a nice exercise these days.
    it tells: write down the statements.
    ” I want to be love (happiness, luck, beauty etc. whatever you want). I choose to be love. I am love”.
    Repeat it 300 times a day at least 21 days and after that see what happenes in your life.

    It was said that you can not imagine what events may happen because of this exercise. You will have a great ebergy shift and a lot of coincidences.

    I want to try. Maybe it can be something in it. But already the hope and the joy of waiting something beautiful, I believe it can be worth of it.



  63.  #63dorothea on March 28, 2010 at 10:57 am

    i like this post and feel worried and helpless about the way i put up walls or can’t feel comfortable or open when i start to like someone.

    i have no problem getting dates and second or third or fourth dates. but i do have a problem opening up and keeping things fun and healthy. instead it just becomes worrisome and stressful to me, and eventually to him of course.

    both my parents left me when i was a kid and the one serious relationship i’ve had was in the last few years and i feel like that trained me to be on guard and on eggshells to watch what i say and do so that i don’t push the other person away.

    and then all this actually pushes the the other person away. i don’t know how to open up. sometimes i just overly rely on feeling messages and that can seem rollercoastery to men.

    i just want to let love in and enjoy love more than i feel afraid that they will decide i’m not good enough and leave. i want to feel open and sexy during sex. not self conscious. i dunno what to do now.



  64.  #64dorothea on March 28, 2010 at 10:59 am

    i mean my last relationship was with a man who was not very giving and was mean to me for being so emotional or for ever getting sad.



  65.  #65Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Daria – I really do want to understand the way you perceive circular dating. I feel curious about the possibility of you walking me through my interactions with this new guy — the Mailman — in the way you think CD is meant to be done. I feel interested in learning different ways of circular dating. What do you think?

    I went on the first date with him last night, and felt SURPRISED that I actually had fun. I loved the atmosphere of the restaurant that he chose, the food was SO delicious, he was a gentleman, he kept the conversation rolling and I laughed a lot and used tons of feeling messages and was COMPLETELY myself, which felt great. On the phone when he asked me out, I had said, “Sure, as long as I don’t have to drive too far” and laughed. He drove an hour; I drove 15 minutes. During the dinner — which was not cheap — I wondered a couple times whether he would expect me to pay for mine, but I had the feeling he wouldn’t. And he didn’t (although he did make a joke by handing me the bill when it came. I just looked at him with a slightly surprised smile and he quickly laughed and said “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”) While we were still at the table he asked me if I would go out with him again. Since I did enjoy it, I said I would.

    BUT. I know that he is not the one I will marry. I did not feel any romantic feelings toward him, or any physical attraction, and definitely would not want to sleep with him or anything. Is that what some people call a “friend vibe”?

    He sent me an email today: “I wanted to thank you for a very pleasant nice evening .I found you to be an extremely sweet attractive girl .I am looking forward to our 2nd date and maybe talking later this week to set something up .Enjoy your day !”

    So, Daria, these are my current feelings and thoughts: I feel worried that I am leading him on by accepting a second date. I think he feels more than a friend vibe toward me. I wonder if I should tell him I enjoyed having dinner with him but …. but what? Felt a “friend vibe”? (that phrase isn’t really “me” but I don’t know how else to word it.) I would feel good about seeing him again, as a friend.

    Daria, I would love to hear your thoughts about this situation, as a template for what you see as my “mistakes” in CD. I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to re-evaluate my choices.

    I feel a little scared that something I wrote here might trigger you or make you mad. I hope it doesn’t, and I don’t mean for it to.

    If anyone else reading this has anything to add, that would be great too! 🙂

    <3
    Lucy



  66.  #66Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    And now for an update on the guy I mentioned in #15 (He wrote, “Tell me more about yourself.” …And If he wasn’t the only guy I have felt attracted to in two years besides TN man, I would just not respond.)

    THANK YOU all for your suggestions! You Sirens inspired me to respond to that uninspiring email in a way that ended up creating an ongoing very fun and inspiring connection!

    Unfortunately, as I mentioned to Tina, he lives 600 miles away. In fact (don’t throw tomatoes at me!!!), let’s call him TN man 2. Yes, he lives in TN too.

    Did you get the full impact of what I wrote in the first paragraph?? I have interacted with tons of men in the past two years, but there have been ONLY TWO I have felt real attraction for and interest in AND have connected with in a mutually fun and emotionally satisfying way. And they both live in TN.

    Maybe the message is “Move to TN.”

    TN man 2 is very similar to TN man (the original), in both external traits and in the way he communicates. Very very appealing to me.

    I wonder what will happen.

    <3
    Lucy



  67.  #67Daria on March 28, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    OMG!

    Alicia I love this!!

    “, Actually I have thought about it and I feel it would NOT be HEALTY for me EMOTIONALLY.

    I have a strong faith life and it’s not for me on any level…”

    WOW THANK U!!!



  68.  #68Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Isn’t it funny that right after I said (in another thread) that I am taking a break from CD, I suddenly feel interested in CD again – in some new guys who are showing up? 🙂



  69.  #69Daria on March 28, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Lucy – do you have Targeting Mr. Right? It’s all about dating.

    Well this is great. You went on a date with a man.

    Rori says that “that more than friends” feeling can happen to women overtime, in fact it’s Supposed to work that way…

    so you went on a date and received from him. Great!! this is practice. now you go on a date with another one and another one.

    you don’t worry about whether they’re the one for u. You practice tools like following your feelings, leaning back, speaking from your feelings — which it sounds like u did… actually i feel curious about what tools you used and how that felt…

    the whole point is to use the tools with men!

    the attraction for you will grow or not grow, but the truth is as you get more sireny, EVERY man will want u.

    you are not obligated to feel like sleeping with them! hehe. and communicating clearly and honestly and healing triggers around this is part of the practice

    im practicing this too. i went on a great date it felt fun but i didnt feel like i could sleep with him… that;s not even the point, the point is practicign receiving and i am

    if a man pushes for too much i can tell him i feel uncomfortable. i can even tell him im not feeling sexually attracted to him right now. as long as I FEEL GOOD AROUND HIM I can continue receiving from him…

    i tell him how i feel, he’s in charge of what where and how he decides to take this

    getting the sexual attraction going is HIS responsibility, so my saying.. i don’t feel it yet (if he pushed for it, not just right away because its nto a right away thing ) is giving him feedback of how to navigate

    PS – dating you – no matter the attraction level – is GOOD for men. They get to practice giving, being received, building a woman’s attraction, all types of stuff…



  70.  #70Daria on March 28, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Lucy — i read about man #15. I feel excited

    here’s the thing. its up to US to OPEN UP to connecting with more men, than the ones we’re originally “used to, patterned to, know how” to connect with right away

    it only “just happens” with some men because of our past patterns!

    its our “JOB” to practice opening up to MORE than the kind of man we’re originally attracted to. This doesnt mean we’re going to get attracted to the new men we practice with, but using our intention and babysteps we open up to more and more men…

    including good men, for some of us who are attracted to toxic ones, etc…

    babystepping our way to allowing in more and more men, the better we get with men who DON’T do it for us, the better we actually get with men who will, the more who will, etc

    Rori actually gave me an assignment now for 2 weeks to date “boring” men. yay. I am doing it because I want to heal this so that i can have my exciting men… or boring men will turn exciting… all kinds of intersting stuff happnes…

    I am gonna review Targeting Mr. Right and maybe pull out some more key stuff to share sometime in the future…



  71.  #71Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Thanks for your feedback, Daria!

    No, I don’t have Targeting Mr. Right.

    I have actually been practicing meeting different kinds of men for about 8 months now, but not consistently because it gets too tiring and overwhelming. Every man I meet in person (except one, where we both agreed it felt like friends) falls hard for me and I have handled that in a variety of ways, depending on the specific situation. I don’t like when that happens. It does not feel good. So, what are you saying I am supposed to do in those situations? Continue to go out with them even though I’m not feeling it?

    I did that with one guy, and now I feel myself having a hard time continuing to see him because I am enjoying it less and less, and I don’t know what to do. How long do we have to keep “receiving” from the ones we’re not enjoying? (He recently gave me a necklace and it felt really awful because I know he’s in love with me.)

    Oh, you maybe answered that – “as long as I FEEL GOOD AROUND HIM I can continue receiving from him… ”

    I’m not quite sure what you’re saying about TN man 2 (man #15). He and the original TN man are not at ALL like guys I have been attracted to in the past. Except for the one guy- Mark- in my past (before I was married) who I was engaged to but I subconsciously sabotaged it and broke up with him because he was actually someone who was good for me and did NOT fit my past patterns/imprinting etc. I felt happy and free with him, and that was so foreign to my unconscious concept of love that I ultimately rejected it (and lived to regret it!) and went on to date more men in my old pattern that felt more comfortable because I felt less happy and free (and eventually married one like that).

    With TN man 1 and 2 I feel the way I felt with Mark – happy and free. They do not feel like my old pattern. The mailman felt like my old pattern – even though I enjoyed the time with him on that date I could tell it was a similar “start out happy and quickly turn unhappy” pattern that I had in the past. And that’s the way it has been for all the other guys I have met.

    See what I mean? The TN guys feel DIFFERENT; they feel UNFAMILIAR. And good.



  72.  #72Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Daria – “actually i feel curious about what tools you used and how that felt…”

    I don’t remember specific tools, but I know I totally leaned back, which he made very easy for me. I did not question any of his choices or give advice or suggestions (like what to do when we had an hour wait for a table and he decided we would grab the handicap seats at the bar until someone needed them or our name was called for a table — and his choice to do that actually worked out really well!)

    I let him handle everything, which felt a little scary to me. My ex-husband was very awkward in restaurants, dealing with servers, etc. and I often stepped in and took over in order to avoid total humiliation (which I realize now was bad for me AND him!) With this guy, I felt like I was falling backwards and hoping he would catch me — that is, I was leaving everything to him and trusting, with a bit of anxiety, that he would “man up.” And he did! (even things like me not opening the doors, trusting that he would flow right in and do it, and he did, every time)

    Also, he kept trying to “sell” himself by telling me about his good qualities, and it felt really uncomfortable and annoying and unattractive to me, so I TOLD him so! Lol. He apologized, and said he felt like he needed to do that so I would know he’s a good man. He asked me how he’s supposed to get that across to women if he doesn’t say it. I told him I feel good when a man SHOWS me who he is instead of TELLS me who he is. He said, “Oh, ok. Show you. Okay.” The next time he did it, I kind of made a face involuntarily. He noticed, and said, “Oh, I’m trying to sell myself again. Why don’t you like that?” I told him that when he does that, I feel like an employer listening to a prospective employee trying to persuade me to hire him for a job.

    He REALLY listened to me when I responded to what he said and did, and thought about each thing I said, and adjusted himself! It was actually quite remarkable. Lol.

    By the time we walked to the parking lot, he had really grown! He said, “That’s my car over there. Do you like it?” (I had already told him on the phone that I don’t like mustangs after he told me he has one.) So I said, “Not really.” He said, “Sheesh, can’t you lie to be nice?” (playfully) Then he started, “That’s one thing about me, I am a very honest — oh, I’m selling myself again! I’ll stop that. But I really am hon- ” And he stopped. He looked at me and we both laughed.



  73.  #73Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Wow. TN man2 just invited me to TN.

    TN man1 never invited me there, just always has said he wants to come here and see me “sometime.”

    I know I’m not supposed to hop on a plane and go to him. But what exactly should I say?

    I feel nervous! I feel scared about actually meeting this guy. I feel afraid that I will be disappointed in him. I feel weird saying that!!!

    I feel like I will compare him to TN man1, and TN man2 will fall short in my mind, which is really stupid since I’ve never even met TN man1!



  74.  #74Daria on March 28, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Lucy – you can go if he’s paying for it and stuff… if you want to.. i think Cassandra is doing a trip like that… id like to too!



  75.  #75Daria on March 28, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    RORI —

    please answer this!! I FEEL SO CURIOUS of what you will say to this!!

    “I have actually been practicing meeting different kinds of men for about 8 months now, but not consistently because it gets too tiring and overwhelming. Every man I meet in person (except one, where we both agreed it felt like friends) falls hard for me and I have handled that in a variety of ways, depending on the specific situation. I don’t like when that happens. It does not feel good. So, what are you saying I am supposed to do in those situations? Continue to go out with them even though I’m not feeling it?

    I did that with one guy, and now I feel myself having a hard time continuing to see him because I am enjoying it less and less, and I don’t know what to do. How long do we have to keep “receiving” from the ones we’re not enjoying? (He recently gave me a necklace and it felt really awful because I know he’s in love with me.)”

    YES YES I WANT TO KNOW TOO!!!



  76.  #76Daria on March 28, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    I’m gonna keep reposting that and asking for help on it



  77.  #77Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Daria, I had completely forgotten that Cassandra was doing that! And I was one of the ones encouraging her to go and saying that *I* would go if I were in that situation! Lol. How did I forget that so quickly?!

    Maybe I never actually believed it would happen with me, so I forgot about it. 🙁

    He didn’t say anything about him paying, so I don’t know….

    I haven’t responded yet. How about if I respond with, “That sounds like an exhilarating adventure!” and see if he steps up and offers to arrange it?

    What do you think?

    It’s kinda strange, cuz we’ve only been in contact for a couple days! And TN man1 and I have been in contact for 7 months!



  78.  #78Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    p.s. Thanks for re-posting that other question for Rori to find. 🙂



  79.  #79Daria on March 28, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Lucy – I would go for a feeling message. like that would feel exhilarating. or something.

    yes i like it when men start off taking steps to meet… stepper uppers yeah…



  80.  #80Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Bleh. I feel disappointed in his response.

    I wrote: “That would feel like an exhilarating adventure!”

    He wrote: “and you aren’t here why? :)”

    I think that was his way of saying, “Well, are you gonna come?”

    I don’t know how to respond. I even slept on it and still don’t know! He has not offered to make arrangements or pay.

    Would it be good to respond: “I would feel happy to be there, meeting you.”

    Or do I have to actually answer the question he asked?



  81.  #81Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Lucy –

    Be honest about you really feel…. I read what you are saying but what I hear is:

    Honey, it would be a great adventure and when you have the plane ticket for me, just let me know! lol Wink wink…

    OR

    I would love too but, I feel like it would be more comfortable.. (or I would be happier) if you come to visit me first. I’m just a girly girl in that aspect.

    – The distance is the same between ya’ll he can make arrangements, dont be out money, time, and travel… I do think he should come first. And then you can go, or he should pay first and then take it from there. But, until your “honest” about how you really feel and what you want, it’s just dancing in circles.. This is you chance to try somethig new.. it’s about you.. who cares what his response is. It might suprise you.



  82.  #82Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 11:16 am

    And if he tells you: “He would love too but, he can’t afford it at this time.” Then I would tell him: “You are in the same boat.” Or.. “Well, this is a good way for us to continue to get know each other until we meet face to face.”



  83.  #83Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Thanks, ALicia. Yeah, my first thought was to say something similar to your first statement (Honey, it would be a great adventure and when you have the plane ticket for me, just let me know! lol Wink wink… )

    BUT, I thought that would come under the category of MAKING A SUGGESTION, which Rori says not to do???

    It’s not a DON’T WANT or FEELING MESSAGE.

    What do you think?

    <3
    Lucy



  84.  #84Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I would send both messages..

    The Honey one – let’s him know you are playful and he will get it. And after he responds.. send the

    – I feel like it would be more comfortable.. (or I would be happier) if you come to visit me first. I’m just a girly girl in that aspect.

    Or just one message with them both together. 😉



  85.  #85Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 11:52 am

    tweak it so it flows in your own words and you can always say.. Honestly I feel more comfortable. etc etc..

    You can reverse them and send the feeling one first followed by the playful one.. (all together in one message) You’ll figure it out.. lol



  86.  #86Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Guys also like personality so feeling mixed with a little humour is just you being you..



  87.  #87Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Right, Alicia, I have no problem coming up with fun responses, my concern is, like I said: I thought that would come under the category of MAKING A SUGGESTION, which Rori says not to do???



  88.  #88Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Daria, if you want to, I would love to have your input on what I wrote up there in #81. 🙂 I still haven’t responded to him.

    <3
    Lucy



  89.  #89Daria on March 29, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Lucy – my suggestion might feel scary.

    i personally go for the honest approach.

    i also have blocks around this… so i personally am tweaking on stuff and going with the… no hiding honesty…

    hmm this feels weird. i don’t want to pay for a plane ticket… i would love to see you and im feelin kina weirded out right now… what do you think?



  90.  #90Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Thanks, Daria. So, it’s okay to say “I don’t want to pay for a plane ticket”? I guess that would be a DON’T WANT statement, right?

    My concern was whether something like that would be like leaning forward cuz it’s kinda obvious then that I am “asking” him to pay for it….?

    I really appreciate your helping me try to understand the nuances of using the tools. 🙂



  91.  #91Daria on March 29, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    lucy.. it’s actually not asking him to pay for it. it’s saying i don’t want to.

    not sure if this will ‘work’ in getting him to pay… my thoughts are its TOO blunt and will trigger him. but that’s not my responsibility so that’s what i’ve been doing… being honest

    i feel kina crappy abut this stuff cuz i feel triggered saying i don’t want to pay. i feel like i sound like a jerk/golddigger… but hey… i love myself.



  92.  #92Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Yeah, I get what you’re saying — my thought, too, was that since he really doesn’t know me, he might think that I’ve been flying around the country with different guys paying so that I can have adventures without expense, and that that was my (manipulating) intent all along.

    Hey, maybe that’s not such a bad idea!!! Maybe I CAN fly all over the country on no-cost Siren Airlines . . . I get adventures and free therapy, and the guys get to spend some time with a goddess. Win-win. 😀 Lol.

    But seriously, thanks for your help! And Alicia, too. I’ll let you know what I decide to say and how it goes.

    <3
    Lucy



  93.  #93Lucy on March 29, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Hmmm. What if I say “I would feel happy to be there, meeting you. But I don’t want to make it too easy for you. Lol.”



  94.  #94heartbeat on March 29, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Lucy – for what it’s worth here’s my 2p worth – I’d assume based on what he wrote that he’s flirting, and if it were me I’d flirt back some more to give myself some leeway. I liked what you first wrote, or you could try something playful like ‘I’m painting the helipad for your arrival Mr Bond’ 🙂



  95.  #95Jennifer on March 29, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I’m trying an adventure.
    I’ve signed up for Core Belief Engineering.
    I’m soooooooooooo tired of being jealous and angry.
    And then sad. And then guilty. And then more sad. And missing B.
    This sucks.
    So I’m trying something new.
    Then I’m looking into laser vision correctin surgery.
    I have a personal trainer lined up.
    I,m also looking into going into the military. They would pay me to go to school to get a nursing degree.
    That’s my adventure. So far.



  96.  #96heartbeat on March 29, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Wow Jennifer I feel impressed – that’s some adventure, and then some! Good for you 🙂



  97.  #97Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Lucy- Also, ask yourself.. Are you ready to spend a couple of nights with this guy? If not you may be better getting a hotel. It just depends on you, I guess, I know what would happen for me.. But you may have great self control or be ready for that.



  98.  #98heartbeat on March 29, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Before I head to bed I just wanted to say something about what I’m doing with circular dating – which is practicing saying no and going at my own pace. So that would be- it feels good/fun/interesting having this conversation and no I’d feel a bit rushed meeting right now. Whatever feels absolutely true for me. I’ve made the mistake of agreeing to meet before I’m sure I actually want to and it feels AWFUL. Baby steps. I’m enjoying the process. Getting my flirt on and my confidence back, confidence that comes from trusting myself to respect my own boundaries. I no longer feel like hiding my profile! Some very interesting guys out there – tonight a saxophone player, an eco-builder and a 23year old metal fan with a broken heart. Night Sirens xxx



  99.  #99tinque on March 29, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Lucy – Why care what he thinks. Only creates more mystique.
    xxoo



  100.  #100Alicia on March 29, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Lucy I like what you wrote.. I would feel happy to be there, meeting you. But I don’t want to make it too easy for you. Lol.” That sounds like how you really feel.. I haven’t read the whole book.Do what you feel is best. Keep your personality..



  101.  #101Terry on March 30, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Rori or Daria (or somebody),

    I have a question about leaning forward. First, the background story.

    I met a guy on a trip a few months ago. I felt so very comfortable with him, and I feel sad that we live about 2,000 miles from each other.

    Three weeks ago he was on a business trip in a city a couple hours away from me. He rented a car and drove down to take me out. Again, we had a blast and a lot of laughs. We joked about how bad it felt that we didn’t live closer to one another. There’s no point in pursuing anything, living so far away from each other.

    We work in similar fields and he gave me some info he felt might help me. I finally got around to checking it out a couple of nights ago. I felt impressed with it, so I texted him and thanked him for it and that I felt it helped me a lot.

    He sent a text right back saying, “Great! Awesome!” That was all he said, though.

    Ok, my question: I know we both can’t pursue a relationship, but is texting a man and thanking him for something leanding forward as well? Would that be considered a turn-off to a man? I still feel confused about specifics on leaning forward.

    Thanks! Terry



  102.  #102Siena on March 30, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Hi Terry,

    The ‘not leaning forward’ only applies to romantic/dating relationships. You texting him regarding a work issue is leaning forward, but it is OK, because it is appropriate to lean forward/get in our “boy” energy in a business situation.

    BUT, that being said, it sound like you are not feeling “just business” with him. If that’s the case, then texting him about business will only serve to shoot yourself in the foot. You can’t get to his heart that way.

    I wouldn’t say it’s a turn off for a man, because it’s business, and they can compartmentalize business and romance.

    So I would say, if you are feeling like you want to get to his heart, then absolutely wait until he contacts you, and then use a feeling message and don’t talk about work at all. My guess is that it might thrill him… and then go from there!

    Siena



  103.  #103Sherry on March 30, 2010 at 11:27 am

    It’s been about 2 1/2 months of introspection for me, and I still have sooo much work to do! I used to be such a Rock Star lol but somehow I lost that?!!

    I decided to stay on the dating site and just go with my feelings. If I feel overwhelmed, I just sign off. That has happened more than not lol. I get flooded with emails and some of the men out there are funny, some are emotional, some are players, some are lonely. I tried, at first, to respond to every single one of them. I felt bad about ignoring any one! But, as time has gone, I have learned a few things – by trying to respond to someone I have absolutely nothing in common with, or am totally turned off by, most of them end up getting mad! I will thank them for contacting me and then tell them, based on their profile (what they wrote, etc) I do not feel we would be a good match. Then wish them luck in their search. I have been cussed out, told I was going to Hell, had my intelligence insulted, all kinds of things! I have had to block several of them lol. So, I have found it works better if I don’t respond. The only problem with that is I feel like I am running away instead of getting my feelings out? It helps cut down on time by just deleting them, but something doesn’t feel right about it. Am I just going back in to the people pleasing mode I fell in to as a child and continued with through most of my adult life?

    I’ve mostly dated myself, but I have went on a few dates – yay me! I found it was easy to practice the tools I know when I don’t care about the outcome of the date. Rori is right when she says it will help build you from the inside. My biggest problem is with leaning forward and taking care of men. That, and establishing my boundaries. I have been able to practice not trying to control situations, but just trying to see how I feel in them. My boundary issues didn’t come up because, like I said, I chose men to go out with that I knew a second date wouldn’t happen.

    I am feeling really nervous now though. There is a man I have been talking to for a couple weeks that I actually might have some interest in. I realize that we haven’t met in person yet, so the picture in my head is not real. I’m actually trying not to have a picture in my head, but I’m kind of excited about him. I agreed to go out with him this Saturday night. I’m wondering how to be calm and present in the moment… Like I said, when you want nothing out of it, I don’t have a problem. So, how do I manage down my expectations and meet him as someone who I want nothing out of, while I am secretly hoping we click as good in person? Help!



  104.  #104Alicia on March 30, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Terry –
    I think you were just being “responsive” to his help or info he gave you.. I think that it great to appreciate him.. And he was obviously flattered..

    As long as you are not coming up with excuses to email or text him in the future, it’s all good.

    I got confused on the email thing for a bit, and now I am solid.. (I just respond) I stopped adding my guy in with my friends on funny forwards.. Not the same scenerio but, an example of how I was leaning forward. If he sends me something, I either don’t respond or say.. haha I needed that, thanks.



  105.  #105Terry on March 30, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Siena, and Alicia, hi! Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, I felt I was only responding to his suggestion. It felt rude of me not to thank him, because he felt really excited about passing the info along to me. Oh, and I did use about 3 “feeling” messages in my text to him. I have not (or will not) contact him for anything else, though.

    Sherry, I don’t have any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know how much I can relate to your online dating issues. I used to not have boundaries and I feel I’m much better at keeping them now.

    However, I am encountering more boy-men through online dating than I would like. I have had some men act extremely rude to me. Before even meeting me in person, they’re having tantrums in emails, because I won’t make all the arrangements and do all the work. Sheesh… These are men in their forties and early fifties.

    I’m finding that the guys who are eight to ten years younger are much more mature. Go figure.



  106.  #106Lucy on March 30, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Terry – “they’re having tantrums in emails, because I won’t make all the arrangements and do all the work. Sheesh… These are men in their forties and early fifties. I’m finding that the guys who are eight to ten years younger are much more mature.”

    Hmm, I’m beginning to see that that actually makes sense — many of the older guys were raised in families where the moms waited on the dads hand and foot.

    My ex-husband’s family was like that and he always tried to get me to be like his mom.

    We have been apart for nine years, but last week he stopped by to drop off some paperwork and he brought some donuts, which was very nice. But, I sat down at the table and started to eat a donut, then he sat down across from me, and said, “How ’bout making me a cup of tea?” I felt so surprised. I still live in the house we shared, and he knows where everything is. I laughed and said, “Make your own tea!”



  107.  #107Lucy on March 30, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    I did use a feeling message with him then: “I feel so surprised that you would ask me to make you tea.”

    He looked surprised and said, “Well, that’s the woman’s job.”



  108.  #108Siena on March 30, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Lucy,

    LOL regarding the tea comment. A great reminder that men are dealing with programmed responses too!

    But at least you didn’t fester about it – you expressing your feelings turned it into a comical exchange (at least in retrospect!)



  109.  #109Terry on March 30, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Lucy, OMGosh…yes! That is exactly what my best friend said! I’m in my upper forties and she is in her early fifties. She asked me last week how the online dating thing was going and I told her “ok,” but that I felt several men were being lazy. She said, “…men of our generation had it all – they were waited on by their moms, but also had the extra advantage of wives like us bringing home a paycheck.”

    I know in my family, my sisters and I were expected to wait on our dad and brothers, because it was considered a woman’s job.

    My ex-husband was spoiled. One night I came home from working over twelve hours and my mother-in-law was at our home, demanding to know why her son wasn’t receiving home-cooked meals every night. ugh…



  110.  #110Lucy on March 30, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Yes, Siena, they really do have their own programming and it’s not their fault, is it? Easy to forget that! And, as Daria always says, my response actually HELPED him with his reprogramming (should he choose to accept that mission!)

    And I really wasn’t angry when it happened — I was genuinely surprised and amused, and, honestly, I actually said, “Make your own …. (started to say effin’ but stopped myself and laughed, and it was funny cuz he knew it and laughed too)….tea!”

    BUT, if we were still enmeshed in that horrible marriage, it would have been an angry exchange instead. I get along great with him now cuz I’ve moved on, WAY on.



  111.  #111Sherry on March 30, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Terry – you are absolutely right!!! I just went back and checked and ALL of the “boys” I have encountered were in their late 40’s – 50!



  112.  #112Lucy on March 30, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Terry – my ex was very spoiled as well. I used to pack his lunch every day, for hmmm, about seven years, and one day I told him I didn’t want to do that any more because I was exhausted with a 6-year-old with demanding special needs, a 3-year-old, and a nursing newborn.

    He said, “All the other wives pack their husband’s lunches.”

    I felt SO angry!!! My dad had told my sisters and me, “One thing you must never do is compare your husband to any other man.” And I never had, out of respect for my husband.

    I said to my ex, “How many of those wives have the situation I have with their children?” And I angrily told him what my dad had said about comparing.

    He STILL tried to talk me into packing his lunch!!!!



  113.  #113Lucy on March 30, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    I will say, though, that I recently had the pleasure of dating two men in their early 50’s who were NOT like that, and totally manned up on our dates. So there are some who either missed that poor programming or worked it out themselves later in life. Yay for them!!!!

    <3
    Lucy



  114.  #114Terry on March 30, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Lucy, I know there are nice guys out there. I have gone out with a couple of nice men in that age group who manned up on our dates, but they both travel a lot with their jobs. So, our dates have been like two to three weeks apart.

    The rest of the online guys have turned out to be boy-men, so I’m having a difficult time getting at least three men in my CD rotation.

    However, I still have regular nights out with the girls, and I date myself a lot, too. Not giving up!



  115.  #115Daria on March 30, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    omgosh Jennifer! I feel so curious about how your core engineering will go! tell tell tell please!!



  116.  #116Daria on March 30, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Lucy – ohhh i love this!!!

    ““I would feel happy to be there, meeting you. But I don’t want to make it too easy for you. Lol.””

    omgosh im stealing this!!! ohhhhh



  117.  #117Terry on March 31, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Eeewwww. I just logged into my online dating account. A man, mid-fifties, had contacted me about meeting in person. He seemed well-dressed and very educated. He was manly looking, but not overly handsome. However, he wanted me to come there first. He’s also lives about five hours away.

    I was nice. I used feeling messages about how nice it would feel to meet, but I didn’t feel comfortable driving that far to meet a man, especially in the beginning. That if he was ever in my area it would feel great to talk in person.

    This was his reply: “Get lost”

    LOL Good grief! What a jerk. I felt like replying how icky that felt, but I didn’t. Why even bother when I wouldn’t give that loser anymore of my time anyway.



  118.  #118tinque on March 31, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Terry – You handled this perfectly…
    xxoo



  119.  #119Jennifer on March 31, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Daria….I feel curious as well…it’s a 5-7 HOUR marathon talk session.
    I feel a little nervous though as well. The practitioner charges $100/hour. No kidding. I’m sure it’s worth it but I’m not used to spending that much on myself at one go. And by the way…I’m in the wrong damned business…I do special needs paeds, high technical nursing. I make $24/hour.
    So, um..what?
    Any way
    Are we talking about boy-men and their mammas?
    Don’t even get me started.
    B was (and for sure still is) the biggest mammas boy on the planet.
    For real.
    He used to get so nuts if I wanted to do something with my family….we’re close. We BBq and hang out and have big parties at rented halls (my mother is the youngest of 11).
    He’d pout and stand in a corner not talking to anyone.
    Recently my mother told me about a time when we lived together and her and dad stopped by and he met them at the door and was RUDE…didn’t offer a coffee or tea or beer. Was just standing in the entry way saying “she’s not here”
    UGGGG
    I could never figure it out. Till his “going away to the military” party.
    I over heard his mother saying “I don’t see my sisters or brother anymore…my husband and kids are my family now.”
    WHAT?
    What happened to the idea of an inclusive family?
    Like I refer to my brother’s wife as my sister. I yelled at a guy at the mall for staring at her boobs…just like I would do for my biological sister.
    I don’t get it.
    But it also explains how I and B’s sister’s husband were just never welcome. Tolerated. Not welcome.
    If we did that in our family. My mother would smack us. If my mother did that…my father would say something.



  120.  #120Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Terry-

    Omg.. haha That is HIS issue. I had a guy on a site message me without a photo. Then he asked for my number and I said, I don’t really feel like it’s fair for you to see my pic and I not see yours.. Guys would never go for that. So he said he would email me..
    Well, I thought he would send a pic..

    All he sent was Hey, then Hi, next time he sent.. Are you there? and then Well??

    I was like.. Hey purple box man.. I’m don’t feel comfortable with you emailing my personal email like this.. Thanks for checking me out and good luck..

    He sent me: Your wierd….

    I was kind of stunned at first and then I thought.. nahh talk to that hand (the one thats holding the mirror up back at you. lol) and I didn’t respond..

    Low and behold last night he sends another email to my personal email and says.. Alicia did you get my pic?

    There was no attachment. And at this point I was like, red flag, just disengage.. haha



  121.  #121Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    How do you add a picture? I clicked on my name and box assuming that would work but, it didn’t. I need help. Anyone know?



  122.  #122heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:26 am

    Hi Alicia – do you have a gravatar.com account? xx



  123.  #123Terry on April 1, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Alicia,

    LOL! Red flag is right! I realize it’s not always the case, but oftentimes when a man refuses to send a pic, he’s hiding something…like he’s married.



  124.  #124Jennifer on April 20, 2010 at 10:48 am

    update on the core belief engineering.
    It seems to be working.
    the practitioner and I worked on the idea that there must be something wrong with me. I had a third grade teacher who was a piece of work to be sure.
    She humilitated me all the time and spanked me in front of the other kids. She told my mother I was developmentally delayed.
    We worked on talking to my 8 year old self and helping her to see that this woman wasn’t right. She was just a nasty. Some grown ups are nasty. They change the rules so that you are wrong so that they can punish you.
    So the $600 was worth it.
    I feel less angry. I feel less hypervigilant. It’s easier to sleep.
    I made two dates for this week.
    I feel a little annoyed cause I ended up asking the men to meet when what I really wanted was to be asked out in an old fashioned kinda way. But only a little annoyed. I figured my messages didn’t translate too well to the written word.
    I feel interested in meeting these men.



  125.  #125Daria on April 20, 2010 at 10:49 am

    cool Jennifer! thank you for the update!



  126.  #126Ingrid on April 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

    My humble advice is to get off dating websites all together and to pray to God, to bring you your mate.

    You all can take it or leave it, but this is my advice. I think “Divine Providence” has much to do with it.

    God Bless Everyone~



  127.  #127Jennifer on April 21, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Hey Ingrid…thanks for the advice…every little bit is helpful.
    I abide by the philosophy that the divine will provide for me but I’m gonna do everything I can to make the job easier.
    Plus..I think the reason we are here is for the experience…so I like to try lots of new stuff.
    Cheers.



  128.  #128Brenda on April 22, 2010 at 11:38 am

    I want to respond to an earlier post about what to say when a man says, “So tell me more about yourself.” I think most people feel ill-at-ease with just getting to know someone. When a man says that, I just assume he doesn’t know how to get a conversation started. So I help him out, even tho I also consider it an annoying question. I acknowledge that he didn’t ask me something really annoying like what is your bra size or do you spit or swallow. Men like that are straight scum in my book. So I just use it as an opportunity to get the conversation rolling and to let ME choose what I want to say initially.

    It would be a good time to start a feeling message and ride its wave! For example, I feel so glorious when I’m walking barefoot on an empty beach on the first warm day or spring! Or better yet, when it’s still winter and it’s warm! I just blend with my environment…I am not IN nature, I am PART OF nature. I feel the soft crunchiness of the sand under my feet, and the warmth of the sun touching my skin, and the soft breeze lifting my hair, and I feel alive!

    Then rather than asking back the same dull question, I just smile and go silent, studying how well he’s sensing me, and sensing him. Giggles!



  129.  #129Brenda on April 22, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Hello! I’d like to respond to the post about how long you carry on with a man when you just aren’t feeling it. It depends where I’m at. If I’m on a straight mission to find romance, I streamline my time. My rule for dating is three dates. It’s possible a man can be nervous or not his best self for whatever reason on a first date. Second date? He may or may not show his true colors. By the third date, I have a good feel for him.

    I’ve given him a chance to work past his blunders (and me past mine!). Unless he’s a real scum, I’ve learned to not be too quick to rule out a man.

    On the other hand, if I just want comfortable company, just someone enjoyable with whom to hang out, with no pressure, I will be with a man who is strictly friend material.

    But all-in-all I think life is too short to spend too much time on relationships that I already know aren’t going anywhere. I’ve paid my dues as the nerd magnet, from being too nice. Now I mostly go for who I am interested in.



  130.  #130Lucy on April 22, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Hey Brenda, thanks for sharing your viewpoint on this. When you’ve decided a man is “friend material” do you tell him that?



  131.  #131Brenda on April 22, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Hi Lucy! I tell him nicely and when the time is right. I tend to be too harsh and crush a man’s self-esteem, just because I was role-modeled harshness and criticism. So I have learned to not look at him and call him Alpo when he wants to be filet mignon. If I enjoy his friendship but he’s not husband material, I just open myself to hang out as a platonic friend. I am careful to not give mixed messages, to not lead him on, because it is very important to me to not hurt other people. If he brings the subject to a head, I will be completely honest and maybe say something like, “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way” or “I’m sorry, it just isn’t there for me.” If he pushes the issue, as in, doesn’t get it (which is probably why I’ve disqualified him, since he’s insensitive or 20 miles from intelligent), I will state directly, “I’m sorry, I just think of you as a friend, and that’s the way I want it to stay.” If he is a glutton for punishment and still pushes it, I will tell him directly as many reasons why as he wants to know. But I always do my best to say it gently and soften it with “I’m sorry”.

    If a man gets pushy or is totally clueless, I will get as firm as I need to be. One time I pushed a man over backwards in my college library! He kept trying to get touchy feely with me in public there at the library. I stated clearly I wanted to limit it to hand-holding. He got on his knees a few minutes later, and tried to rest his head on my breasts, saying, “I’m cold!” I got very nasty with him, pushed him over, and left. That is a case where HE’S the one being rude, and I simply held my already-stated boundary.