Heal Your Heart With Love and Questions

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Here’s a great question around a recent guest post by Margaret Paul that will take us in an inner direction:

“Rori, Would this be Core Sadness that turned into Wounded Sadness?
My Mom & Dad died withing a few months of each other. I was obviously sad (Core Sad). Afterward my husband was cold and unconsoling. He was angry because I was “depressed” and wouldn’t just “get over it”. I was no fun anymore. This made my depression even worse. I expected, wanted and needed him to be there for me emotionally. I needed him to console me and have some empathy for what I was going through. I wanted him to make me feel better.

He was all I had now and I was losing him. The more he withheld, the more I felt I needed. So, I guess, essentially the Core sadness turned into Wounded sadness – I started feeling sorry for myself.

I think maybe my husband saw it as (wounded sadness) from the beginning. He thought I just wanted attention and I felt sorry for myself from the beginning, but that’s not what happened. When your parents die, you’re sad. I don’t understand why he never understood that.

His abandoning me emotionally (and then physically – he left) when I was grieving for my parents caused me to become more depressed and for a much longer time – years. I still blame him for this setback.
Is this wounded sadness? Or is this a normal way to feel? Linda”

Linda, since I didn’t know you then, and haven’t met your husband, I have no way of knowing what was going on between you.

All I can say for sure is that somehow the emotional bond between you was either broken for good during that time – or never existed in the first place.

It may be simply that your need for him to take away your pain was overwhelming to him – he knew he couldn’t do it, felt that he was failing at doing it, felt inadequate to the task – and every moment for him with you felt like he was disappointing you.

It alternately may be that he is a person who simply cannot tolerate the person (you) he relies upon taking your full attention away from him.

The important thing is NOW.

You must stop blaming ANYONE for this. It happened.

That is all.

None of us have no idea why things, horrible painful things, happen.

They just do.

If you believe that things are guided by God – then faith is your way in to this new attitude of love and peace.

If you believe that things are random, then it’s even MORE important that you embrace the WHAT IS of life.

Depression and anger are intricately linked, and I invite you to do the inner work now that will heal you.

Margaret Paul’s work, and my work, too – in a different way with different Tools, is about making this healing happen inside…so that the people in your life become an outward expression of the love, harmony, peace and compassion you feel for yourself.

Your fun at being alive – the inside feeling – becomes the fun you share with others.

Sexual feeling and expression works the same way – even though we think it’s generated by someone else – it’s not – it’s a SHARED experience from both of your INSIDES.

A person feels “sexy” to us because they feel like they have a lot of sexual expression to share, or because they fill some gap in our own experience…and those make for totally different experiences..or it’s most often a combination of both those feelings – which can feel confusing.

The same with companionship, and all other aspects of relationship.

It’s all based on what’s going on inside YOU – where you don’t feel whole, and where you DO feel whole.

If you are depressed, you are angry, sad, and looking OUTSIDE yourself for someone or something to be the CAUSE of your feeling. And whatever happened and whoever happened is really just a TRIGGER for your very own feelings.

So – ask yourself some questions:

1. Where am I angry with ME?

2. Where do I feel not worthy of love?

3. Where do I not believe I’m loved – by myself, by God, by friends and family…anyone and anything?

4. What would it be like if I believed I WAS loved – by myself, by God, by friends and family…anyone and anything?

5.What would it be like if I felt okay – just as I am?

6. What if none of this was anyone’s fault? What would it be like if there was NO ONE to blame for how I feel – not even me?

Just ask these questions – and then “Riff” (in the Targeting Mr. Right category here) out your answers.

Let me know, please, how these questions – and what comes up as you respond to them and look for your own answers inside you – reverberate in you….

Love, Rori

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99 Comments

  1.  #1Visuddha on July 2, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Thank you for these questions, Rori. It’s so hard to take the focus off the guy sometimes.



  2.  #2sapphire-n-jewels on July 3, 2010 at 12:56 am

    I am going through a similar experience at the moment. My partner has left me couple of weeks ago. He told me on Thursday that he wants to be single and go and date other people, Wants to have no responsibility to anyone. God I am finding this hard. There has been lots of outside problems from my family and he feels that he cant get past that. Does not feel the same way about me, I know he still loves me as I can feel it. The anger and sadness I feel are more directed at me because I know that I am addicted to this man. I have given and given to the point of snapping and that has built my recentment towards him that apparently comes out in my tone of voice. I find it incredible hard to express my negative feelings towards him as I feel that it will push him away but that is what i have done anyway. Yes I do not feel worthy of love and I do not love myself.
    Jewels



  3.  #3Earthy on July 3, 2010 at 1:12 am

    that is useful post Rori…but what if someone has really NOT be loved by ‘sigbnificant others’ and has internalised that?? i will not go into much detail but imagine that it was my birthday yesterday and my mother (we live in different countries, but still, she gave birth to me!!) DID NOT remember it…!!! – this is just a small example of how the relationship is…and when it comes to men, i guess that no matter how hard i try, how many therapists i have paid, how much inner work i have done, i deep down have a belief that love is not possible for me…i practise a lot of self-love and self-care…but what about becoming the receiving end of it too, which is inherent in doing intimacy??? thanx!



  4.  #4Orna Walters on July 3, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Goddesses,

    I changed my life with one affirmation, and I feel compelled to share it here:

    I AM WORTH LOVING!

    I said this to myself over and over and over again, all day long 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Miracles started happening.

    The KEY to having affirmations work is to say them with emotion!

    All of the negative thoughts inside us are charged with emotion, so it is imperative that we say the affirmation with an emotional charge.

    Its even good to stomp around the room and say “I AM WORTH LOVING!” The stomping puts you in your body and emotions come up.

    Here is a free affirmation reminder software that is super cool: http://affirmations4change.com

    Big Hug,
    Orna



  5.  #5Simply Shannon on July 3, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    I’ve been reading this book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I feel so good reading it. So normal, even with all these thoughts running through my head everyday. I feel relaxed reading it.

    Orna, what you just said reminded me of what I was reading in the book’s last chapter. I’m sharing my Facebook status here because it pretty much sums up what he was discussing.

    Another perspective on “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” I’m realizing I can’t love others if I can’t love myself, like J*sus loves me… all of me. If I wouldn’t say those nasty things to my neighbor, I shouldn’t be saying them to myself. Thank you insecurities, fears and doubts. I love you for protecting me in the past… but I don’t need you any more. All things ARE possible with God.
    – – – – – –
    I truly believe this. My eyes were really opened reading this book. It’s not possible for me to really love someone else (the real deal love) if I don’t love myself. All this time I’ve called it love, it really wasn’t. It felt good at times, and I did love them all in some ways but my love was conditional and it wasn’t complete. I didn’t even know how to love completely because I had never experienced that before. Now I know better. <3



  6.  #6gina on July 3, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    D is still coming towards me full throttle – last night he re-established that he wants me as his girlfriend and that he wants to commit to me (if that’s what I want, as well – which I do feel good about). However, I feel curious about my desire to give…I let him pay for everything so far, but I have felt compelled to give back in different ways – I brought him cupcakes when he had pink eye, I bought him a knee brace and delivered it to his work when he was hurting, I bought him a cigar cutter after he mentioned he needed one, and last night, I was making cards for my uncle and grandma and felt inspired to make one for D, also. He seems to really dig how “sweet I am” to him. Especially when I brought him the knee brace. So far, it seems to inspire him to give me more and more love and to step up more and more. I’m just noticing that this giving feels good cause I’m doing it for my pleasure, not his, but I see. I dunno. giving feels like expression, similar to saying feeling messages – Like I’m expressing that I care, and that I’m also creating more care by investing myself. I definitely am not doing it to illicit a response, it’s just a way that I enjoy being in this relationship. However, he has asked me to join him on a vacation to Mexico, and I feel weird about money. I’m worried that I can’t afford it, I feel worried about being too much of a burden for him…I’ll tell him tonight that I feel a little worried. Any thoughts, ladies??



  7.  #7gina on July 4, 2010 at 12:39 am

    D just stopped by and I told him how I feel a little worried about money for the trip, and he told me not to worry about it – that he would take care of everything. Wow. I feel weird tonight…I didn’t feel as attracted to him – I felt turned off and not as interested in romance as he was. I felt overwhelmed by a sense of neediness from him. I miss his arrogant defensive touch of assholishness…I hope it comes back as he feels more confident…



  8.  #8aprilshowers on July 4, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Gina,

    Wow. I feel super-triggered. I feel confused about why you can’t just be still and let him give to you.

    Life is a mirror. If you are feeling neediness from him, this may reflect neediness in you. To me, your giving sounds like neediness.

    I’ve found that giving to a man works for a short while. It feeds his ego. But, I’ve noticed, every single time I’ve leaned toward a man, any man, and given to him (other than on Xmas or a birthday), he pulled away. It didn’t even matter how crazy he was about me initially.

    I realized that I only gave so much because I feared the guy would “forget” me if I didn’t. I felt like I had to “earn my keep” in the relationship.

    Gina, I don’t know how old you are or what you’re looking for, but the guy who is a great boyfriend, may never, ever become a great husband, if you keep giving so much. You’ll become resentful and he’ll come to expect your giving without being grateful for it.

    What’s so bad being treated like a goddess?



  9.  #9sapphire-n-jewels on July 4, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Aprilshowers
    Wow that triggers lots in me. God have a given so much in this relationship and am still doing it. Problem being I feel selfish in not given to my partners. I have so much to learn. I have Modern Siren, Reconnect and also the Heart Connection CD but still when I am with my man (or any man) I keep doing the same patterns over and over again. I dont seem to be able to stop myself when I am there. Any suggestions.
    I know that I need to go out and circle date but dont seem to want to at the moment.
    Best Wishes Jewels



  10.  #10aprilshowers on July 4, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    If you’re not ready to lean back, at least be still.

    Just think with each thing you give, he feels less attracted to you. You become his surrogate mother, not his lover. That thought alone has stopped me in my tracks.



  11.  #11dorothea on July 4, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    i feel bad and creeped out. my LI lied about something rly stupid and i had to keep nagging him to get him to admit he lied. so yucky. i decided to walk away. the conversation wasn’t working because i couldn’t get a sense for truth or lie from his facial expression. i hate it when ppl lie about anything – it makes me feel really shaky like i can’t know if they’re sincere. i feel very glad that i just walked away. it was much better than my old patterns of freaking out on the spot. i freak out to expedite a solution to the problem at hand…to inspire him to feel really bad for hurting me. it’s the only way i know to regain trust with men.

    then i ran into a boy i have a crush on that i know professionally and was all stammering and caught off guard cuz i had just walked away from a fight with LI.

    ah well.

    so glad i just walked away from LI.



  12.  #12Siena on July 4, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Wow, I just wrote about the same issue as Gina on another thread regarding giving back. I feel uncomfortable with everything he’s giving me on one hand, and love it on another.

    I feel triggered by aprilshowers’ response, but it sounds right too.

    I’d love to hear Rori, Tinque, and Orna’s feedback about this too… I’d hate to lose a guy because he thinks I don’t reciprocate…



  13.  #13aprilshowers on July 4, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Oh Dorothea! I feel so sad to hear that about your LI. It seemed like things were going so well between you.



  14.  #14dorothea on July 4, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    things are still going fine but thank you very much. they are what they are. it just felt weird. i am glad i expressed my feelings and then left. he called to apologize and i said thanks, i don’t like it when that happens, it makes me feel turned off. and then i said i wanted to get off the phone. things are fine because they are just what they are, and i will feel my way through everything and be ok.

    yay!



  15.  #15dorothea on July 4, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    i love my stammering when i feel flustered and self conscious. i love my awkwardness around cute boys. it still feels good to love and accept myself even when i am awkward and stammering. i feel amused and charmed thinking someone who doesn’t know any better might think i’m totally weird.



  16.  #16tinque on July 5, 2010 at 8:47 am

    Siena – I responded to you on the other thread. Additionally, if you lose a man because you didn’t “reciprocate” then you didn’t have him to being with or rather you wouldn’t really want a man that keeps score in this way. Again you give by just being you, warm, open, loving, vulnerable you, by sharing your feelings and your heart.
    xxoo



  17.  #17Siena on July 5, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Thank you so much Tinque! I came from the place of being a totally overfunctioning woman, so this is really new territory for me!

    I feel so much better just receiving, and giving only when it comes from my heart (like you said on the other thread), but it also feels awkward because it’s not what I’m used to.

    But I can get used to it… I like this way of being in a relationship much better than the way I used to be!!

    Thank you!!



  18.  #18gina on July 5, 2010 at 10:28 am

    So far D just keeps on giving…he’s excited about a day long date on Friday – he wants to take me to a water park, then stop at several restaurants around town for drinks, and then we’ll have a super nice dinner, which he’s buying new clothes for. I think it would be different if I was giving to him for HIS sake, but I’m not. I do it to experience me being nice. I haven’t done anything inconvenient or costly for me, I’ve just given him whenever I feel inspired. But I also have been still, and receptive, and I have asked for help.

    Also, I have liked giving because it helps me feel invested in the relationship. Because, to be honest, this relationship isn’t nearly as exciting as the unhealthy unavailable ones. I feel perfectly comfortable. I don’t feel very excited, cause there’s no drama or mystery or problems. I miss those tingles, but I don’t miss the heartache that always went along with it.

    Also, wherever I’ve been, I have always been known as someone who is “exclusive” – I don’t really care to get too involved with most people: I stick with my own (whether it’s my family or close friends) – so for me to give to him, establishes that he’s someone I am willing to connect to.

    Another part of it is that I know that, by societies’ standards, I’m “better looking” than him. I know he values me as “a catch” more than I do him. By giving to him,I feel like it raises his value in my own eyes. It seems to reassure him (and me) that I am into him. So far, it has raised the bar, to where he just gives me more and more, and the more he gives, the more I value him.

    This isn’t a situation where I feel addicted or crazy at all. I feel good with him, I feel beautiful, sexy strong, cherished, special, glamorous, and safe. I admire and respect him, so I feel bad confessing that I don’t like that he has a little bit of a gut and that he has man boobs (he is cute, though). I don’t want these superficial concerns to interfere with all the great things about the relationship, so giving is a way for me to establish that there is more to the relationship than the physical.

    And, to be honest, all the married people I know give to each other, and they did in the courting process as well. I know for absolute sure that giving isn’t a way to win a man over, but for me, giving is a way to help him win me over (to let a good man who adores me Love me, even though I feel turned off by superficial physical attributes, and even though I might feel more superficially turned on by a “player”).

    D and I are talking about him moving into my apartment in October. I would bet money that if it doesn’t work with him, it will be because I feel scared of commitment, not him. But I hope that it does work, cause we have fun and he’s very good to me.



  19.  #19gina on July 5, 2010 at 10:38 am

    I’m just ready to be done with this phase of my life that includes a roommate and crummy dating situations. If I could be 20 forever, I’d just keep going for “hot” guys. But since I am 29 and would like to be a stay at home mom someday, I am deciding to let a good guy commit to me. Maybe that’s where the needy vibe comes in. I’m not needy about him, I’m needy about life…I need to feel purposeful and I hope get that from motherhood, so a guy is a means to that end.



  20.  #20dorothea on July 5, 2010 at 10:50 am

    LI called just now to bring me the money for his plane ticket to visit my grandma with me in three weeks. I bought the tix together so we would get seats together. I told him today wasn’t a good time for me. He said when is? I said I dunno I am feeling icked out and want some time to feel better. then i let him stammer about and then got off the phone.

    i feel much better with this approach rather than trying to fight our way to a solution. i am just going to feel this out. i am currently feeling turned off as hell. i feel guilty and worried that maybe i don’t want this guy who is stepping up after all. pointless lying (seriously, it was SOOO POINTLESS) and closed offness feels like a deal breaker to me.



  21.  #21gina on July 5, 2010 at 10:52 am

    April showers, when i was giving, I asked myself whether it felt right, and it honestly did. With the exception of the cigar cutter. The cupcakes felt good cause i was on my way to bring them to my dad for fathers day, and D just happened to be on the way and he was home with Pink eye. The knee support thing felt good cause he was really hurting and I felt concerned – I would have felt awful to not bring him the knee brace, when I totally had the time to do it. That actually felt awesome. With the card, I was making cards, and I came across a stencil of a cherry, which reminded me of the cute cherry skirt I wore when we were out last week, and my cherry underwear that he likes, so I felt inspired to do something with it. I painted it on the outside of the card with sparkles. on the inside of the card, I put a bunch of stickers that related to stuff having to do with stuff we’ve done or talked about. Like, a sticker that said “pretty in pink” – referring to the pink Polo shirt his friends gave him hell for wearing, etc. However, getting him the cigar cutter didn’t feel so fun – I did it for him, not me, and it didn’t feel good. I could tell that he didn’t like receiving that from me.



  22.  #22gina on July 5, 2010 at 10:56 am

    What I’m trying to say, is that the giving that feels good is like artistic expression, and in that sense it feels goddessy to me.



  23.  #23dorothea on July 5, 2010 at 11:11 am

    sometimes i give to compensate for my lack of attraction, but i like the way you described it as an investment and not as a bad thing.

    and sometimes i give to get, like rori was saying in her latest post about saying i love u in order to hear it. i bought me and my date’s ice cream out of fear that he wasn’t going to do that himself, and then hoping he would stop me and insist he pay. he didn’t. i felt upset and had to tell him right away that i felt REALLY bad.



  24.  #24Orna Walters on July 5, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Siena,

    This balance between giving and receiving in the dating phase depends a lot on the kind of relationship you desire. If you ultimately want a partnership it is important to show up that way in the beginning. If your habit has been to overfunction it will feel awkward to lean back. I completely understand looking for this balance, and for one that feels “natural” and/or feels “good.” It really is about practice (yup, back to that again). 😉

    As far as being worried to “lose a good man” – I assure you that its impossible to say or do the wrong thing with the right person.

    In my personal experience, (Gina this may be helpful for you) when my husband and I were dating I had an entirely NEW feeling that wasn’t like the old obsessive, consuming feelings I’d had in the past. I had a CURIOSITY about him that was unique. I wasn’t “casting” him in any role (as I had done in the past) I simply wanted to know more about him.

    My old habit in general – not just in my intimate relationships, it was in ALL my relationships – was to immediately reciprocate. I’d receive, and then immediately give back. This tit-for-tat behavior showed my underlying lack of self-worth.

    Raising the level at which you value yourself will shift how you RECEIVE. Continue to practice all the tools and techniques that raise your self-esteem and your self-worth.

    Tinque said it so beautifully here that I’m posting it again: “Again you give by just being you, warm, open, loving, vulnerable you, by sharing your feelings and your heart.” There’s no need to do any more than this.

    Allowing yourself to simply RECEIVE is a huge gift for YOU and will be a pattern interrupt from those old overfunctioning behaviors. So sit back, take a deep breath and when it gets really uncomfortable say something to yourself that moves you toward what you want to create: “I am worth loving!” or “I love and approve and accept myself!”

    Its really okay to just be your Goddess self and RECEIVE!

    Big Hug,
    Orna



  25.  #25dorothea on July 5, 2010 at 11:17 am

    i feel yucked out on dating and i wish i were circular dating and not spending all my time with this one guy. no one’s been asking me out and i think there are too many p*ssy guys who if they know someone else is seeing you, they do the “upstanding guy” thing and stay away. “i would ask you out but you have a boyfriend.”

    yeah, well i would accept your date invitation but your balls fell off right before this conversation…

    i feel turned off by men. to me they all feel girly and b*tchy. i feel angry and hateful. i feel a stormy torment churning inside my head and torso. The energy is a cyclone. If it drains out of me I will be empty and left with nothing inside of me. I feel afraid.



  26.  #26Siena on July 5, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Orna, thank you for your beautiful reply, I feel really good reading it. And I feel encouraged to hear again that I can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right guy.

    After years of being with Mr. Wrongs, and having them leave because of something I did or said, it is a new experience for me to be allowed to make mistakes or mishaps and not have it end the relationship. What a concept (she says a little sarcastically). I love hearing that from women like you and Tinque who have lived it first hand.

    I sat with my uncomfortableness for a while and I realized that I felt that way not because I haven’t been giving him anything, but because I’ve been holding back myself from him a little bit.

    So I feel good being able to recognize that and stop the withholding of myself. If I were to give him a gift or cook him something, it would be (at this point) to cover up the fact that I am withholding a bit of myself… so I’m not gonna do that, instead I’ll continue to share myself… I feel better doing relationship like this anyway.

    Thank you again!



  27.  #27Sapphire-n-jewels on July 5, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Well just arranged my first circle date. Meeting tomorrow night. Met online. Good this feels strange. My ex and I have agreed to date others while we see what happens with us. The plan at the moment is to start dating each other again in a few weeks time. Not sure he thinks that I will do this. He said he not sure about us and he wants to try being single for a while. I said that fine but I am going to go out and date to. He said that I might meet someone else I prefer and I said that is the risk we both take. I want to learn Rori way of doing this and change me into a loving creature for me. I was addicted to my ex and bent over backwards to please but not anymore.
    Best wishes



  28.  #28Tina on July 5, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    lol dorothea @ balls fell off.



  29.  #29Tina on July 5, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Oh lordie, what a day, I was about to leave his house, I really wanted to come home and spend some alone time, I do love and cherish my alone time. Anyway he says, would it be ok if I leave before you (his house) I said sure, I’ll just go now, my stuff is packed and I dont need to be here, I felt “tricked” or something, he started to take out the garbage and do some puttering around whatever, I said im going now, he said oh so your just going to leave, no hug no blah blah blah, then the argument was on, I didnt yell of course , I can stand here on my nice little box and say that I didnt yell or argue with him, i just wanted to leave. He got “needy” ew, he yelled ew, big ew, he yelled on the cellphone, I listened while I was driving away , hung up a few times, when I didnt feel like listening to him yell, the phone was vibrating, literally. anyway, he hasnt called back since i shut off the phone, well he cant call me back.



  30.  #30Brenda on July 5, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Saphire-n-jewels, RE: #9 – I kept finding myself falling into my old relational patterns until I started to spend a lot of time on this blog! I find when I see my words in writing, PLUS get feedback from the other godesses, I start to become ultra-aware of what I’m saying and how I’m saying it and the feelings inside as I’m saying it, etc.!!

    So I have noticed a dramatic turn-around in ALL my life’s relationships in the past several months as I’ve been working this blog like a summer job! 🙂



  31.  #31aprilshowers on July 5, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Gina (#21),

    Do whatever works for you.

    All I know to be true is, every relationship I’ve had has begun with the guy being head-over-heels for me. I’m usually their “dream-girl”. Most have liked me for some time.

    Then, I’ve made them home-made cards and written them poems and paid the tip and drove to their houses because they lived closer to our date-destination than I did. I called first and texted first and planned picnics and concerts and cooked and spent the night at their house, and was super understanding and super-supportive, the list goes on and on.

    In the end, they lost their attraction to me and left me. Then, like clock-work, when I finally gave up and got over them, and stopped doing anything, they came back, one by one.

    All I’m saying is, giving works for awhile. Then, it doesn’t….for me.



  32.  #32aprilshowers on July 5, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Lastly, I’lll probably start a fire-storm with this…. I feel super-triggered and judgmental, but here it goes…

    Why come to Rori’s blog if you don’t want to use Rori’s tools? I know it’s trial and error for all of us. I know all of us are looking for love, but if we want to keep banging our heads against the wall, chasing men, why come here?



  33.  #33Brenda on July 5, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Aprilshowers,

    I think for some of us, old habits die hard. It’s really a challenge to let old behaviors go overnight. I keep reminding myself of what Rori says at every turn…

    baby steps…

    I just keep reminding myself that none of us is perfect and we all just need to be patient with ourselves and others.

    I also think that sometimes you don’t understand something unless you’ve experienced it. I didn’t agree with circular dating at all until my man burned me really good and then it suddenly fell in place how valuable circular dating is.

    Sometimes we just need to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and then we’re ready. It’s all an inner journey.

    Most of all, we are all learning to love ourselves in all those wounded places and to take care of our inner child.

    Good night!



  34.  #34Daria on July 5, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Aprilshowers – AMEN.

    Reading about not using tools and especially advice about NOT using tools felt very triggering to me. And often still does. I feel really angry reading that.

    Something I did to help ME that I clicked into again (was doing it a long time before) … was to click into WHY I feel that way… Ie I feel triggered because this reminds me of my mom + riff

    or in this situation I would feel this way and this reminds me of + riff

    then I get super great therapy – which is what the blog is about, more so even than just advice… for ME out of someone else’s mistakes

    also WARNING: i am on a rockstar path and have shaken up the underwear drawer of how i use my tools … but so has Rori… jus chekc out what she said to Claire…

    Monday is a good day for a wedding… lets go to the courthouse and have a party after… what do you think?



  35.  #35Tina on July 6, 2010 at 1:11 am

    He did finally call me at home, he said “i was waiting for you to call” hm I said, I am getting ready to wash the floor. I dont know what to make of all this, blah! I did lean kinda forward and gave him some “advice” he said “what do you think?” I said well, im not a phd however id say you have some attachment issues or something , we both chuckled and talked about other stuff. He’s already making plans of when were going to see each other again. Were going on a road trip soon lol, for three weeks, if we survive the road trip we might have a future together hehe, dunno.



  36.  #36Tina on July 6, 2010 at 1:13 am

    “Monday is a good day for a wedding… lets go to the courthouse and have a party after… what do you think?”

    This feels romantic to me awe, I feel all mushy and stuff.



  37.  #37cute_tulip on July 6, 2010 at 10:40 am

    I love this post so much! i can relate very much. thank you!



  38.  #38anne on July 6, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    hey rori! i was wondering if you heard about the recent split between Jake and Vienna from the bachelor? can you give us your take on it?



  39.  #39gina on July 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Yeah I feel a little pissed about your tone, April Showers and defensive towards Daria, too. I’m not giving advice, just talking about my personal progress…I am mindful of Rori’s advice, but of course I’m going to do what feels right for me. Some giving feels good, some not, just depending on my vibe. I also realize that it may not work in the long run, and then I’ll just be an example of why Rori’s way works.

    What I was getting at is that I am struggling with the lack of excitement that I feel about this relationship that is going very well. I see that Rori’s advice is about how to let a man fall in love with us, but I feel like my personal struggle is mostly about being able to feel love myself unless I’m getting caught up in the antics of a player. I feel comfortable and good, but I don’t feel “in love” and I never have felt that way and I want to. I would love to feel it with him because he’s so so good.



  40.  #40Daria on July 6, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    oh Gina – my bad i didnt specify. i wasnt referring to you girl

    i was referring to other times when ive felt triggered

    i didnt feel triggered by your situation

    love and duces



  41.  #41gina on July 6, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Jake the bachelor turned out to be so different than I thought.



  42.  #42aprilshowers on July 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Gina, if you like it, I love it.



  43.  #43gina on July 6, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Alright alright, negative feeling subsided – thank ya.

    Okay, so how bout Jake!!!? anybody see the interview with Vienna??



  44.  #44dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    hey gina, we were talking about viena and jake one thread up. i would LOVE to hear what u thought about it.



  45.  #45gina on July 6, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    I don’t think Vienna is as sad as much as she is furious. I believe that he was abusive and that he did lie a lot, and that he is chasing fame every chance he has, and I think she just wanted to get on top of the situation. I don’t think she wanted reconciliation – it seemed like she was pushing his buttons, trying t reveal the side of him that she has been dealing with. I think when he said “Stop interrupting me!!” that he did show a real ugly side.



  46.  #46gina on July 6, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Like when she is talking about the times they broke up, and he dismissed it as “sulking” and “playing games”



  47.  #47gina on July 6, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    if I was in a relationship with a man who is famous for our “love” and it was all a charade, I’d be pretty ticked too.



  48.  #48dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    i think they trigger each other bad. but like i saying in the other thread, just cuz she is too masculine or not feminine enough to keep him totally attracted doesn’t mean it’s ok to be a jerk. this is why i call him a little toxic.

    vienna coulda used some rori in her life. i could have used some rori in life when i was with a guy like jake. things would have gone differently. but he was still an asshole who acts mean and cold if given the opportunity. Even if I am really good at not provoking meanness or coldness, I still dont want a mean and cold guy.



  49.  #49gina on July 6, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    I agree with you Dorothea. But I think he’s a lot toxic.



  50.  #50gina on July 6, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    I do see how she triggers him, though – I wouldn’t like to communicate with her either.



  51.  #51dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    you know what…i am watching the first part of their interview again and i think he is way toxic too



  52.  #52dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    i feel so yucked out by jake. he seems arrogant and out of touch with reality. he keep smiling and smirking.

    oh how i would love rori raye to tell us what she thinks!



  53.  #53Jeannette on July 6, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    I feel sort of weird girls….my ex boyfriend from many many years ago resurfaced…..never say never! Anyway, he says he loves me….always has, but he is doing something I find a little different. We get together over the weekends…..but then by Monday he just sends me an e-mail and tells me how great the weekend was. I mean its cool, but I don’t know why he just doesn’t call….know what I mean? Then by Wed. or so he’s back calling me again and beginning to make plans for the next weekend. He did tell me he wants to take it a little slow….but gee whiz, it’s already been years if you know what I mean. How would you interpret that? Is he afraid of something or is he just wanting a little personal space?



  54.  #54Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    I’m alive! I moved and I have a counselor now.. Yippie.. The emotions that come up are ick sometimes but I do feel that they have a safe place to express them self… and the anger has been interesting.. I’m learning how to be assertive not passive or aggressive.. or passive aggressive.. just assertive.. (my counselor said when you grow up around violence that’s normal and it’s like learning how to walk) I know this site is all about the baby steps so it feels great to have extra support.



  55.  #55Jeannette on July 6, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Rori, or someone, could you comment on what I said in # 52? I just want to know if I should take this guy seriously or what?



  56.  #56Rori Raye on July 6, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Anne – I think it was a PR thing they both agreed to at some point – she was perfect for him for the PR road – he didn’t want to hurt Tenley or Gia – and I think Vienna actually ended up sideswiped here (don’t think it was supposed to go quite so badly), but that the end of the relationship was part of the deal (that’s me…) – She’ll be on Dancing With the Stars and hopefully people will begin to like her. Since no one liked Vienna at all – Jake felt safer dumping her than he would have anyone else. We’ll never know. I always liked her…Rori



  57.  #57Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    The Bachelor –

    Vienna makes me feel sooooo annoyed! I wanted to zip her mouth shut.. So I could hear him speak for 2 minutes. I heard how Jake basically just wanted to be trusted and supported.. (And there was no rule that said they had to move right in and live with each other.) So the tears of her being stuck in a apt… didn’t sway me much.. She could have worked and had money in Flordia.. I would have honestly reacted the same way Jake did but…. ALOT sooner!

    Vienna might want to try listening at a level 2… =)
    And leaning back… (asking for a kiss would be over functioning)

    I understand.. She gave up everything and was resentful.. I get it.. but that was her choice… and it’s not her first ride on the merry go round… learn something already..

    Jake – That was the first time I ever found him to be masculine.. but, I still think he is cheesy… I feel turned off by him… but.. she did make 100,000k off the story so I feel his anger.. although he does seem kinda like a “fame whore” in Vienna words… I don’t know.. over all I feel annoyed by both of them.. Glad it’s over.



  58.  #58Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    This comment is interesting Rori…. hmmmm

    (Jake felt safer dumping her than he would have anyone else..) That’s intriguing

    I still feel curious.. like the bungee jump was a huge chemical hit plotted by the producers.. to ignite feelings that otherwise would not have been there… but, that’s just me..

    I only saw it three times.. I just don’t like her pity party… sure she would be fun to go out on the town with..



  59.  #59Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Omgoodness..

    I don’t feel like Jake is that toxic… I would have basically thrown my hands in the air… and said I was done trying to speak.. Even the host was like… “let him speak”… then she had a tantrum… Maybe he has always been too passive.. but, he did say that was the first relationship where he raised his voice.. (I highly doubt) but, if so… she cracked his code, alright…



  60.  #60dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    wow alicia we feel so differently about this!

    vienna should have lived her own life. she was being “supportive” of him but in the end she just relied on him for happiness. like, seriously, he doesn’t kiss you? get the hell out of there and let him step the eff up.

    i couldn’t look away from their interview. i feel hypnotized by the dynamics!



  61.  #61Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    That’s okay

    I never heard her really support him.. I heard her complaining it wasn’t her being asked to do t.v. and jealous it was him.. I heard her “not get it” as far as a man wanting to be trusted.. I learned a lot just from hearing him speak and what caused him pain.. He didn’t feel like he could be masculine with her checking his directions and measurements… Those two examples spoke loud and clear to me..

    I don’t feel good about her not creating any happiness or any boundries for herself.. She was relying on him to fill her up completely.. Huge error on her part.. giving up herself for him was not supportive it felt unhealthy to me..



  62.  #62dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    not supportive at all, but it’s something she tells herself. like…oh i am giving up everything to be with him HOW ROMANTIC, NOW HE OWES ME

    ahhh scary haha.

    my former self really identifies with her. now i would never even consider doing such a thing. myyyyy goodness. like, no i am not going to move in with you and put my life on hold before a wedding date is set. crazy!



  63.  #63Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Plus.. anger is not always toxic.. and I feel inpatient with her.. And as emotional as women get and we don’t like being called “pycho” … I feel like pausing when it comes to calling a guy “toxic” that no one really knows.. He is allowed to have some emotion.. anger responses happen quickly there is less time to stop and think so I feel like he handled it well… and she deserves to be understood but, also take accountability.. they both should.



  64.  #64Alicia on July 6, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Yes… I agree completely! My former self relates too!! When you know better you do better! 🙂



  65.  #65dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    i am very much projecting my ex on him because he handles her emotions as coldly as my ex did. and it SUCKED.

    at the same time, i do believe jake is lying. like how he couldn’t actually call up anything specific about her cheating on him but accused her anyway and stubbornly was like well whatever when his accusation held no water. or when she says he would have gone to the media with or without her…that’s probably quite true.

    i like vienna and i hope she gets her energy back in line and finds herself happily ever after.

    she could be the next bachelorette!



  66.  #66Jeannette on July 6, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Would anyone have anything to say about my words in # 53?! Thanks!



  67.  #67dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    hi jeannette! my take is that everything is “fine.” you just need to keep doing you and circular dating, and everything will happen as it should.



  68.  #68dorothea on July 6, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    seriously i don’t see a problem with a monday morning email. i guess calling would feel more stepping up from him, huh? and you are wishing he would step the eff up already right?

    i’m scared to give advice to “make” him step up. though it wouldn’t hurt to have a date with someone else or yourself planned for next weekend.

    the ONLY reason his behavior could be seen as a problem is if you get so focused on just this guy possibly stepping up that you’re not out dating other people and going along on your bridge to happy ever after with or without him.



  69.  #69Tina on July 6, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Jeannette, start with a feeling message, I guess…



  70.  #70Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 6:20 am

    Thanks guy, he has already told me he loves me very much so I guess I am just a little confused. It almost seems like he is stepping back when he drops me an email after spending a lot of time with him over the weekend. BUT, he did say he wanted to take it slow. He’s sort of confusing, he has never been married. We dated as kids years ago and I broke up with him because he finally told me after 14 months….I think of you as my best friend, but not sure about being in love. SO I went on my merry way. Then he told me recently that he suffered great depression after we broke up. He started looking for me 10 years ago but I was still married. Then he tried recently and found me and you know the rest…..Anyway, he said he could not believe he got to see me again and he said that he does love me he knows. So we have been going out the last 3 or 4 weeks, no sex, just a lot of kissing. He tells me all the flattering stuff. He does act like he loves me, just a little baffled when he backs up and says he still sort of wants to take it slow. He has a few health issues today and money so maybe that is what he is trying to sort out. He is also a very shy man even though he’s played in bands over the years and stuff he never really broke out of that. I told him recently I love him too. And I do. SO…should I really be out there circular dating? And how would I tell him if I do?



  71.  #71Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 6:23 am

    Oh, and by the way…I told him I am only looking for long term and he said then we will grow old together, but he still wants to take it slow, maybe cuz it’s been years……. or is it a commitment phobe problem?



  72.  #72Jeannette's question on July 7, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Rori, I think I worry too much…BUT….would you read the last 2 entries I submitted here and let me know your thoughts. It’s just every situation is different.



  73.  #73dorothea on July 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    i know rori can explain this better than i can but YES you should be cd’ing. you’re not getting what you want from this one man anyway. the way you tell him about it (if you even decide to) is to let him know you’re interested in being a wife and the whole enchilada, so you don’t feel good tying yourself down without a ring. let him know how good it feels to spend time with him, and that pressuring him would feel bad…



  74.  #74gina on July 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I think that Chris Harrison seemed to be wanting to shut Vienna up in general – the way he said “are you through with this crap” and “so, will you disappear now?” and “will you stop doing interviews?” I think that she was making the show look bad by revealing Jake’s ugly side – cause people will probably lose interest in a dating show if the contenders are notorious for being fake fame whores. I think it’s okay for vienna or the other girls to look bad, but it’s not okay for the actual Bachelor to have a bad rep. I got the impression that they wanted her to get it all out while it was under their control, so that this could be the end of her spreading negative pr about jake. I think Vienna is annoying as heck with the way she interrupts, but I think she is telling the truth about what a fake controlling liar Jake is. My intuition is that the show didn’t plan the breakup, but that Jake was never really into any of them (maybe cause he’s gay), and Vienna was the easiest to use and potentially dump.



  75.  #75Siena on July 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Jeannette, 4 weeks is only 4 weeks. I would feel a little concerned with someone telling me that he loves me after 4 weeks… he doesn’t yet know you as an adult, and vise versa.

    CDing is a very good idea here. He might have been fantasizing about you all this time, and now that you’re here, he is excited and having the “in love” feelings… but it’s still only 4 weeks.

    Dating other men, putting no pressure on him, and taking things slowly can only help you – it won’t hurt anything.

    How would it feel to continue dating other men until he steps up for real? Until you feel totally secure in his love?



  76.  #76Siena on July 7, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Also, my $.02 about commitmentphobia in men. I don’t believe it’s real. I totally used to, but since finding Rori and using her tools, I’ve changed my mind.

    Rori says a man needs to feel safe and attracted in a relationship, and both of those things are inspired by the woman he’s with.

    If I open my heart, am totally vulnerable and available to him, and use the tools that Rori talks about, there’s not going to be the issue of commitmentphobia.

    If I’m closed off and scared to move forward and don’t use the tools, he will likely not want to be in a committed relationship with me.

    So it’s really about me becoming comfortable with intimacy, and then I’ll attract men who are also available for intimacy. The rest will not even be a blip on my radar.

    So maybe I should rephrase and say that Commitmentphobia doesn’t exist for me anymore…



  77.  #77gina on July 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I do believe in the commitment-phobic man. I believe he’s very insecure and thinks he isn’t good enough – tolerating his bad behavior might be the only way to cheapen ourselves so that he feels worthy. Not at all saying that’s whats’ happening with Jeanette. But for instance, my former boss who tried (and usually succeeded) at sleeping with all of his female employees fell in love with one of them. He talks about his deep feelings and about how he can see himself starting a family with her, yet he says he isn’t able to really be with her because he thinks she’s too good for him. But he keeps things simmering cause it feels hot and exciting and he loves the fantasy, but at the end of the day, he is not ready to commit. And there’s nothing she can do to control him – she is super attractive in every way, but he just is not able to step it up.



  78.  #78Siena on July 7, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Gina, I used to be with a man like your ex-boss. And I’ve come to realize that it was ME the whole time who was perpetuating that type of behavior.

    It really comes from the woman – what she allows, expects, will tolerate… how much she values and loves herself.

    Nowadays, when I meet men like that, I’m not even attracted (or at least I recognize the attraction as a remnant of what I used to be attracted to.)

    So what I was trying to say to Jeanette is that if she uses the tools, it’s unlikely that she’ll attract or be attracted to a man like that… they are a “get out of jail free” card from commitmentphobia.



  79.  #79Jeannette's question on July 7, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Well, girls I do believe it’s important to feel secure. So, I am going to meditate over what you said and also wait for Rori’s response. I sort of know what she will have to say…..I told him I want a long term, I thought he understood it to mean to be a wife…..and he said, “Well then I will look forward to growing old with you.” We were instant messaging when he said that…He said he needed to deal with a couple issues first….Later I asked him what they were and he said his health, which isn’t the best and money….he is on disability. So that is where I am at right now with that.



  80.  #80Jeannette's question on July 7, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Siena, how can I be ‘totally available’ to him if I am to CD?



  81.  #81Jeannette's question on July 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Siena, your words are good advice for sure, I am just trying to figure out how I can be totally available to him and CD too.



  82.  #82Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Okay, I am going to try and send this over again…Siena, I like your words, and it’s got a lot of truth, however, how can I be totally available to him and CD at the same time?



  83.  #83Siena on July 7, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Jeanette, your time won’t be totally available to him (which is actually good, it raises your level of difficulty), but when you’re with him, you can be totally available to him. Meaning that you are all there, totally open and vulnerable.

    It feels difficult to date this way for sure, but it’s difficult in the same way that dieting is difficult. Really really hard, but so good for you!



  84.  #84Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    One more thing Siena, I am just a little hesitant about CDing because he tells me he loves me. Just no marriage proposal yet. What do you say to a man who says he loves you often? We have only been back together about 6 weeks though after not seeing each other since high school….We are trying to catch up after all that time. He said he heard that everyone has only one true love throughout their lifetime and he thinks I am the one. It’s hard to CD when I hear all that stuff.



  85.  #85Siena on July 7, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Jeanette, I totally understand!

    How would it feel to talk to him about this?

    “you know, babe, I feel so great with you and I feel good hearing that you love me. The thing is, I really don’t want to be a girlfriend because I want to be a wife. What do you think?”

    … And then see what he says and what he does…



  86.  #86Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Siena, you are right…..l am going to have to step up here. I will talk with him when I see him. Thank you.



  87.  #87Brenda on July 11, 2010 at 6:02 am

    I think it’s cute how so many of you are into the Bachelor! We are such relationship fanatics! I’m into Eclipse!



  88.  #88Jeannette on July 11, 2010 at 8:58 am

    GIrls, within hours of his mother’s death, my ex b’friend emailed me and let me know she had passed on. We have been broken up 6 or 7 months. I am not going to answer his e-mail, (he broke up with me), but I am sending him a card of condolences. I feel very sad and even cried when I read the e-mail.



  89.  #89Siena on July 11, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Awww, Jeanette, I’m so sorry!

    I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and ask how it would feel to respond to his email with something like,

    “I almost didn’t respond to your email, because it doesn’t feel good to email an ex. But I felt so sad and even cried when I read that your mom died. My deepest condolences.”



  90.  #90Jeannette on July 11, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Siena, you are a good woman….I did send my ex your suggested e-mail. Why not? It really is the right thing to do. It’s funny because I am in a new relationship now. My ex b’friend from many years ago came looking for me…..And the irony he is a great deal like the recent ex, the one who lost his mother. But, the recent ex was a long distance relationship and it didn’t work, mainly due to that. Then my old ex enters the picture….out of the blue….and low and behold he is so much like the other one in personality that it just blows my mind!! I just wonder if someone had a hand in what is going on!!



  91.  #91Siena on July 11, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Hehe Jeannette, we’re supposed to CD 3 at a time, so I’ve found that 3 men are usually provided when we decide to take Rori’s tools seriously!

    I’m not naturally an open communicator, but have decided in my own life to say what I need to say (yep, like the John Mayer song) whenever the situation presents itself. And you can’t go wrong with the truth!!

    I feel so happy you emailed him that! It’s not leaning forward if it’s in response to him…



  92.  #92Jeannette on July 12, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Guys, just a few more things to complicate what could have been a perfect love story. As I have shared with you, my ex b’friend from many years ago has re entered my life. He and I are getting along wonderfully, like the time passage has not made the least bit of difference. However, I am starting to get pieces of information that he has some significant health issues. He drank for many years from playing in bands on the week-ends..well it looks like he has the first stages of liver disease. He also has diabetes and was hit with a heart attack from some bad medication for the diabetes. He is as sweet as ever, but I just don’t know how far to actually take this. He tells me he knows today that I am the love of his life. I care a great deal for him too, but I’m afraid of getting hurt due to his health. Has anyone had any similar experiences?



  93.  #93Jeannette on July 12, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    If anyone gets around to it, could you comment on what I just asked here in #92…..just in need of advice!!!



  94.  #94lm on July 13, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    jeannette, do his health issues enable him to be in masculine energy, full (or most of the) time? if he knows you’re the one for him, i’d feel good and safe, as long as he is able to step up when needed. this must be a common concern because health issues become so common as people age…

    CDing should keep you focused enough on you that you don’t get too sucked into his problems right off the bat, will allow you to see what a real relationship with him would be like.



  95.  #95Jeannette on July 14, 2010 at 12:19 am

    I guess I need to tell him I am going to CD then. It will hurt him. He says he’s my man and that we’re back together again…..But, I guess he needs to see I mean business when I say I want to be married again. Some guys see it as going out on them….He does not have a tremendous amount of self esteem. I will have to give this a lot of soul searching.



  96.  #96Jeannette here on July 15, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Rori, I really need some guidance here. My ex boyfriend from childhood has come back and I still (after 38 years!) feel chemistry and so does he. He said he has been looking for me for a long time. Anyway, he played in bands for years and years, a great musician, but unfortunately he didn’t do a whole lot more with his life except work in grocery stores and stuff. Later in life he took a course in working with electronics, but due to health issues today, is collecting disability and waiting on an insurance claim from taking the wrong medicine for diabetes and ending up having a heart attack. Pretty messy stuff huh…..So, I feel myself caring a great deal for him and I know he really loves me. He is a very sweet and genuine guy. Why can’t life and relationships be easy Rori? I feel I do love him but if I let him in to my life entirely, I know I would have to work the rest of my life because it would be difficult financially. Yes, I do care about myself Rori, I kind of know what you’re thinking. He’s just a diamond in the ruff sort of guy and I want to do what’s right by both of us. Love, that is real life sometimes only happens once in a lifetime…..Please advice me Rori, I KNOW you are the one who can steer me here. Please let me know what you think and thanks for all you do!



  97.  #97Rori Raye on July 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Jeannette here – you are a woman who is attracted to very wounded men. You are a rescuer. Stop this, and start rescuing YOU!!! Let some good man rescue YOU!!! We’re all wounded. Let your wounds be seen. Love, Rori



  98.  #98Jeannette on July 16, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Thanks Rori, I will be giving that an awful lot of thought!!!



  99.  #99Isa on August 24, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    My response:

    ask yourself some questions:

    I am angry with ME because my sex life is often fragmented by old fears i am intellectually over and have proven to myself physically to be over. I hate this hell hole! Why can’t I just be better and faster at healing?

    The parts of me that is all gungho goddess and sexy and positive energy hates the fears that surface It clouds my zing and makes me feel unworthy of love

    I don’t feel like I am loved by God when I don’t obey. Perhaps this is my parents but that’s how I feel. Guilty, like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. Then when things go wrong I figure God is punishing me. When really if I were devoted I’d feel like its a lesson.
    I don’t feel loved by a guy or by me if I’m not good in bed.

    I do believe I am loved by God and humans and my former dog, I miss her. I just wanna feel that its unconditional..

    It would feel relaxing if I felt that I am okay as I am.

    The best part is that its noone’s fault. I mean wait that feels ugly in my stomach…it was someone’s fault for hurting me they chose that not me…but its noone’s fault my reactions? hmmm thats hard to accept I’m not there

    gosh that feels ugly no one’s fault argh yuck pewyew! I deserve to be loved warts and all flaws and all oooh you know what just tickles me to be loved in spite of my flaws my weaknesses and imperfections..that feels so good so relaxing so juicy so sensual so aaaahhhh that’s what I want and need and deserve and will CD until its here in the form of non-judgemental hims and hers. sigh my riff.