5 Secrets To Online Dating Success – Grownup Style

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datingHere’s a great guest post by Bobbi Palmer – http://www.DateLikeaGrownup.com –

You can meet the spectacular man who is going to be your life partner using online dating, or you can waste a ton of time and energy trying. It took me years of being online before I met my husband, Larry, on Match.com, when I was 47. For about six of those years I was making every mistake possible. (This is why I can give so much advice about what not to do!) But the last year I figured it out, and met the man of my dreams.

It may not happen for you overnight, but if you learn how to do it right and stick with it…like me you will find love online.
Here are five things to know if you want to make the best of online dating and find that special man to share the rest of your life.

1.   There is nothing to be afraid of.
No one can make you do anything you don’t want to  do. You can wink at guys you like, ignore winks you don’t like. You don’t have to email, talk to or meet anyone you don’t want to. (Though, in the spirit of being a grownup, I do recommend a polite rejection when a man makes an effort.)

You can take your profile down if you need a break, and refresh it at any time…with a click of a button you are back in business. You can report the scammers and block the jerks. (They are easy to spot when you know the signs.) You can email the guys you like because, happily, in the online world, there is no need to wait for them to write first. Bottom line, you are in control, sister.

2.   Your profile counts big-time.
Your profile and photo is your marketing piece, not your wish list. This is especially true for women in their 40s, 50s and beyond whom, since the numbers are not in our favor (sorry gals), have to try just a little harder.

The ultimate turn off for a guy is when he sees a laundry list of what he must be or must not be, or what he has to do in order to be worthy of you. When creating your profile, instead of emphasizing your wish list, let him know what life will feel and look like in a relationship with you. Paint  him a picture instead of listing a bunch of adjectives. Tell him what you want to share with him and how much fun you will have together. Be honest and don’t hesitate to show your personality. The right guy will love your profile and the rest will flee. Perfect.

3.   There is no such thing as online rejection.
I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating because it seems to be the #1 reason women give up before they meet The One. Rejection can seem unbearable, and it seems to be true that those of us over 40 tire of it much faster than the youngins.

Here’s the truth: There could be a million reasons a guy doesn’t respond to your wink, stops emailing after two or three passes or doesn’t call when he says he will. Maybe he only wants to date gals who ski, he’s having problems at work or the woman he met the day before happened to be someone he likes. You’ll never know, and none of it matters. It has nothing to do with you because he doesn’t even know you. So who cares? Just keep on keepin’ on.

4.   Start with the good stuff and you’ll meet more good men.
There are millions of nice, interesting relationship-minded guys online, and they are looking for women like you. (Hey…I see proof of this every day.) Your success in finding The One starts with how you read and interpret profiles. Tamp down your inclination to find why he’s wrong by starting off looking for three things that are right. If the things you find are potentially your must-haves, unless he grosses you out, connect with him.

My husband’s profile honestly didn’t thrill me at first. His photo wasn’t great (sorry honey) and he had all this stuff about boating and the ocean – which I hate. Here’s what he had that was important and attractive to me: He was optimistic. His politics agreed with mine. He spoke kindly about his family. He was well traveled and wanted to travel more. He was clever (aka smart). Those important things outweighed the beachy, boaty, water stuff.  After six years of a spectacular marriage, I thank goodness I knew how to read profiles with a positive and open mind.

5.   Every communication counts.
Let’s face it, women can fall in love with a profile. (I did it many times myself.) Men, however, generally don’t connect until they meet you…hence the oh-so-common disappearing act during email and telephone foreplay.

You can avoid this by making every email and phone conversation an opportunity to keep him interested. Remind him that you’re interested and you like him. Give him a reason to want to get to know you.

Intrigue him or delight him. Be positive and show him your personality. Yes…every time, with every communication. It’s not that hard and remember, this guy probably has an inbox that’s pretty full. Grabbing and keeping his attention is the way you’re going to turn your online connection into a real meeting.

Had I not known these five juicy bits of information, I could still be flailing away online. Seven years after meeting, Larry and I marvel at how easy our relationship has been from the start, and how much like our profiles we really are. (Yes, I kept our profiles and all our emails.) He still sails and loves the water, and I still don’t. It’s the big stuff that connected us and continues to keep us happily together.

Give these tips a try and see if they change your experience. Let me know how it goes.


From Rori: Bobbi has a workshop coming up, and I just wanted to let you know about it:

From Bobbi: If you’re not online, or you’re online and not getting results, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. There are just some things you don’t yet know. Attend my Get Online, Get Noticed & Meet Your Man workshop on November 10, 2012 and, by the end of just one day, you will know the real-world tips and techniques that led me and hundreds of thousands of other women to smart, strong, interesting men who are looking for love. Click here to learn more and register–>>

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Let’s face it, women can fall in love with a profile. haha

  2.  #2Indigo on November 12, 2012 at 1:17 pm


    Opening up with your feelings and opening up and healing all this stuff inside really means opening up, doesn’t it?

    It has happened so gently I almost didn’t realise that I was starting to say things I was too held back to say before. And not getting it completely right with how I say them. I feel fearful of not getting it right and people’s reactions. I wish I could say, please be patient with me, I’m so sensitive.

  3.  #3April Rose on November 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I haven’t had any new guys message me on the dating site for at least a week.

    Hmmm. Time for a new profile and picture, methinks…

  4.  #5Daria on November 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    i feel like im becoming ‘enlightened’ lol

  5.  #6Daria on November 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    and it hasnt to do with light it has to do with life and love and love of life

  6.  #7Indigo on November 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Thank you Femininewoman 🙂

    That feels better.

  7.  #8Daria on November 12, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    yay i aint gota tell no lie ant gotta tell no lie huhuhuhuh

  8.  #9Daria on November 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    men: smart strong interesting

  9.  #10Daria on November 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    women: intriguing delightful

  10.  #11Luzydel on November 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I love my profile; It says I am smarty pants, that likes to joke around… I want men to like that about me…I am also a mess; imperfect mess who is an awful driver at night.. 🙂 Just saying

  11.  #12Emerson on November 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Weird the post says nov 5 but its nov 12

  12.  #13Emerson on November 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Sorry but these are all dating 101 tips and I feel turned off and negative by her comments in number 2 about women in 40s and 50s and she says “sorry gals”…..um can you say snarky? I don’t like this attitude at all its insulting. It took her that many years online to meet her husband ? I wonder if she was out in real world mingling if she would have met someone sooner instead of online dating for a century.

  13.  #14Siren Angel on November 12, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Ohhhh… I feel surprised and giggly.
    I don’t know what is happening today but first I get two very smiley eye candy overtly nice firemen at my door to check on my fire alarms. I felt taken care of.

    Then, picking up my little one at school, I get a very handsome super smiley dad who opens doors for me and makes mishchievioulsy sexy smiley eye contact. I take my time inside the school and saw him leave with his sons out of the corner of my eye. A little later I notice
    he is at the school door still. He locks eyes again and smiles and says hello again! And opens the doors for me again! Then goes to his car while I go to mine.

    It feels good.

  14.  #15Daria on November 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    so cute! i feel melty aww i feel touched and smily adn warm hearted

    awwww 🙂

    i put “men: smart strong interesting” as my status and this one guy commented “Like me!”

    so CUTE!

    awwwwwww i fee; ;all poinched and teary

  15.  #16Daria on November 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    hmm men vulnerable how am i vulnerable?

    aww i feel softening … vulnerable

  16.  #17Daria on November 12, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    im an im- migrant (bird) and i love this land now i love the trees and earth and dream of life and people and everything that speaks thru me thru my sense – ing

    yay i have life my dream of life i feel awesome to breathe with life here with this land no name needed of big bugs?


  17.  #18Daria on November 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Siren Angel – hehe! 🙂

  18.  #19Daria on November 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    I read that its cuz Rori had a glitch and her articles werent posting until now

  19.  #20Mercedes on November 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    YAY for a new post! Heading home for the night and will read more later but thank you FW for letting us know about this thread!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  20.  #21ruth on November 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    well, I am glad to leave the last thread
    TMI form me
    not even read the stuff


    love to you all and good night

  21.  #22LoveAlways on November 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    This is a great post. When I was doing on line dating I was meeting my CDs there.

  22.  #23LoveAlways on November 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    I leaned forward/overfunctioned today when HScd called me because I was triggered by his conversation. I feel awful breaking my leaning back streak. I did good up until today. ((((HUGS)))) to me. I’m feeling this and I’m going to be better. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to take a shower, relax, meditate and have some sweet sleep. I’m going to put the sad feelings and hurt in the body wash and let down the drain with the shower water! And I did not cry today! Yea me!

  23.  #24sniff on November 12, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    I met my new fiance online! I think it could be a amazing thing U really can find great men on there

  24.  #25Silver Moonbeam on November 13, 2012 at 7:09 am


    “You can email the guys you like because, happily, in the online world, there is no need to wait for them to write first.”

    When did this become RR acceptable???????!!!!!!

  25.  #26Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 7:40 am

    My experience tells me that men can fall in love with a profile too (or, at least, get obsessed about someone before meeting her).

  26.  #27Ulii on November 14, 2012 at 7:43 am

    ” this guy probably has an inbox that’s pretty full. Grabbing and keeping his attention is the way you’re going to turn your online connection into a real meeting.”

    … Hmmmm….

    Sounds like leaning forward to me. And my inbox can be pretty full too… 🙂

  27.  #28GingerSky on November 16, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Fwiw some of what was said and how you’ve shared it in your blog, Bobbi, feels bad for me… and not in a way that is just me hiding from truth. With all due respect to your success now and to your wisdom and work, this is what worked for *you*… and can we really know that these “techniques” are what brought your husband to you in the first place?

    The angle of: if you do it “right”, and “try harder” (?!), and you just hafta try harder after age 50, or whatever,… oh my! What a lot of judgment, uber-certainty and ego attachment imo! Living in a state of “having to get it right” and always trying harder isn’t always healthy, helpful or even true for many people… it depends where you’re at with all this. A lot of times less is more (80/20 theory etc), and to stop trying so hard often brings brings success for some. It just depends.

    If you’d shared by stating “this is the story of how my husband and I got together and I think some of this may have had an effect on that success” or “this is what worked for me” (which again, is hindsight at best anyway imo!), and if you’d shared your observations as such, I’d have appreciated it a whole lot more and gotten more out of it myself.

    And I find the over-50 dichotomy judgment ilicits a response in me of “pish posh!” (i.e. “BS!” 🙂

    I find this same issue with most if not all of the dating coaches I read except for Rori. She owns her own judgments and leaves us room to find our way with healing effective wisdom shared from her path.

    For me (if I was to turn judgment back on it) I find this and many blog entries/advice from dating coaches to feel like judgmental stating of “fact” (which feels confusing and limiting/arbitrary, depressing). It feels to me as if it’s coming from an unconscious/unintended hero/ego/savior stance, instead of just sharing one’s experiences as such and nothing more, so others can partake as they wish and see what feels truly true for them. (I know that’s the spirit here in general, I just feel like picking out this one example here today 🙂

    (I know my words my feel bad for some, but I like to challenge myself and others to get deeper under surface, communicate honestly, and I live in a community which practices lovingly confronting and speaking out our thoughts, so I mean no attack etc here in case it sounds like that.)

    To me, this is wisdom, and way more helpful/receivable. For me it feels way more helpful/useful/wise/healing to simply hear someone’s story, look under the surface of it and squeeze all I can out of it for me… instead of feeling like their observations and experiences are a framework they’re somehow trying to fit onto me and my situation. That feels bad at worst and useless at best. We all have our unique energies, tendencies, flavors, desires, ways of rolling, ways in which life and others tend to respond to us, and it’s a bit different for us all!

    (For instance, I find I do NOT want to become more delightful to any man. I am apparently so delightful to so many, it’s overwhelming for me, always has been. It has NOT brought me my partner, but only a series of men online and off who are so delighted & excited by me they can’t even SEE me, or commit to relationship — and who are NOT remotely amenable or compatible in any way! This is how I roll automatically, and I as an individual need to take a different tack! lol Everybody’s different.

    I do better when being less delightful, less alluring/intriguing (at least not until I’m actually into a relationship), being more about taking care of me, not trying harder, and not trying to get it “right” etc!!! And never trying to be delightful or hold his interest! I’m extremely comfortable with men even when I’m not, whether they’re strangers, online or off, and they feel that. I still have my fears and defenses, and often sometimes those are GOOD! They keep me from getting in a bad situation if I feel, listen to and express them honestly to myself and to others in the ways Rori teaches.

    The very thought of “keeping a man interested” feels ALL WRONG to me!!!!!)

    A lot of things can work in finding a mate as with anything. For me being authentic while working self-compassionately to get over my own junk and irrational beliefs, neediness, triggers, neuroses, damage, immaturity or hyper-maturity etc, is what works for me. If something doesn’t work as well as hoped, try something different that feels more true 🙂

    No, I haven’t found my mate yet, so unlike you Bobbi, I can’t “prove” my statements. One thing for sure, I’m deeply healing and re-gaining myself and my bearings in this process! Hugely! And it is wonderful! But I put all this out for consideration, and hope it’s helpful for you, and for others.

    Love, GingerSky

  28.  #29GingerSky on November 16, 2012 at 10:52 am

    And I do agree with a lot of what Bobbi has said here, like there’s nothing to be afraid of and no such thing as online rejection. Good words! 🙂

  29.  #30Ulii on November 16, 2012 at 11:15 am

    @ GingerSky 28

    “The very thought of “keeping a man interested” feels ALL WRONG to me!!!!!”

    I really feel the same.
    Beautiful to read about what has worked for you.
    Thanks for sharing!!

  30.  #31k2012 on November 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    This article is very encouraging. I partially registered on a dating site. Didn’t finish writing up my profile. I am very cautious with online dating. One time I met a man on a dating site who I later found out he was married.

  31.  #32Popsicletoes53 on November 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I have enjoyed all the comments… and the over 40 comment did offend me sort of… so girls I am glad you nailed that down…

    A comment that I found interesting is that someone wrote that men can fall in love or become obsessive over a profile.. and that is true.. I just had an experience with that.

    I wrote this great sexy profile on a dating site for people who were over 40.. like me ;).. got a great response from this guy.. who loved my profile.. said what I said just spoke to his heart (I am sure other parts too).. I mean the profile was a good one.. and it was all me.. I used a lot of feeling messages in it.. like the author suggested what life with me would be like.

    The guy who messaged me was intelligent well educated.. supposed to be a CPA… but I noticed some things… he always wanted to call me late at night.. and not 10 pm late… 11:30 late.. he said that was the time he relaxed.. even though I asked him to call earlier.. he never would.. he sort of ignored my request.. Red flag!!!! And when we talked during the day… the talks were pretty routine.. he would call me between clients.. but at night he always tried to lead the conversation to sex.. even though I told him that I didn’t want to do that so much.

    I out right asked him up front if he was married and he said he had been divorced for 10 years..that felt authentic… but I think he had a girlfriend or a live in.. or a fiance.. let me say it this way… I think he had a significant other who he didn’t want knowing that he was talking to me and I wrote to him a message and told him so.. because by that time he wasn’t returning my calls.

    So I ended it and blocked him on the dating site.. he still could call or text me if he wanted..

    But if I had met him out some where he could have done the same thing… I don’t blame the online dating.. it is just we have to be careful and listen to our gut.

    I am gonna go and redo some of my profiles hahaha…

  32.  #33Popsicletoes53 on November 29, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    Kissed alot of frogs tonight on the dating site.. but did meet one great guy… the rest were pigs.. wanted phone sex or cyber sex..

    I just went for it tonight… flirted a lot.. made some contacts.. had a great conversation with a 48 year old guy who had the cutest pics in his jeans.. and tucked in shirt.. saxy as can be so I had fun with him… and another guy…

    I consider this a type of circular dating.. I get to use my feelings messages which usually turn them on… maybe I need some different adjectives… men their minds are always in the gutter..

    Anyway did have a great time… wore myself out …

    What I was going to say about using flirting online as a circular dating technique.. is that I realize one of the greatest benefits of circular dating is that you realize how nice the nice ones are hahahaha rolf.. I have two men who are interested in me who are nice as they can be….of course I have yet to meet them… :/ soooo don’t know what that means… oh well.. it is what it is.. and I live in a small town away from the bigger populations.. so I guess it is parr to have to wait to meet someone… ok well I am gonna go take a nice hot bath.. and rub some oil on my dry skin and call it a night… tooodles..