5 Things Men Need to Know About Women

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I was snooping around the web, as always, and discovered this article by Cynthia Occelli it just resonated with me as a perfect message to us women through a message to men:

5 Things Men Need to Know About Women  – by Cynthia Occelli

After receiving a ton of email and engaging in countless conversations with men baffled by the women in their lives, I’ve put together a list of the most common insights many men are unaware of. This list applies to committed couples, not casual daters. Be sure to check out yesterday’s post 5 Things Women Need to Know About Men.

1. Never stop chasing her. Men often feel that once committed, their prior professions of love and the actions they took to close the deal stand ever present in their woman’s mind. If I had a dollar for every time a man has said to me, “Well, she knows I love her.” She knows he “loved” her when he said what he said and did what he did. How does she know that he loves her today? Only by his words and actions today. Court her. Call, text, hold her hand, bring her a flower or a bunch, tell her what she means to you. Rinse. Repeat.

2. Women love sex, but approach it differently. The largest sex organ in a woman’s body is her brain. Rarely are the friction based machinations of the average porn flick enough to light her fire. Also, women are saddled with more responsibility than ever and it isn’t always easy to transition from superwoman to sex kitten. Men can help by sharing the burdens. When the opportunity for sex presents, start upstairs and well before sex. Be clean and smell good. Flirt, give non-sexual affection, tell her what she means to you, tell her she’s gorgeous (mean it). Warm her up right and you may find yourself struggling to keep up. That leads me to the always awkward to make suggestion: Learn how to sexually satisfy a woman, specifically your woman. There are books, classes, counselors and, most importantly, the subtle and not so subtle responses of your woman. Study them.

3. Women need emotional closeness to feel secure in a relationship. Emotional closeness is fostered by intimate communication. It is easy for a woman to sit right next to a man and feel wholly alone. Often, she just needs to talk with him and NOT have him fix problems. She needs to know that she can trust and rely on him to be there emotionally 100% of the time. Think of emotional closeness as a bucket with a hole in it. Men have to stay present and interested, continuously topping the bucket off.

4. Women are capable of doing everything that needs to be done, but it doesn’t make them happy. They enjoy being taken care of (to my readers who disagree: there are always exceptions, but I am hard pressed to fathom why a woman would deprive herself of this). As caregivers to the world, women need to be cared for, too. Women are biologically hard-wired to seek a man who will protect her and provide for her. A man who excels here is automatically sexy.

5. Take the fire out of any fight by telling a woman that you love her, while you’re arguing. You can maintain your position of disagreement and still do this. So many women admit that, during an argument, beneath the issue being debated is their sense that in that moment they are unloved. State your case and tell her that you love her. If you need space, go for it, but come back and tell her you love her ASAP.

Note from Rori:

I totally loved this, and got permission from Cynthia to reprint it here…it just says so much about what makes us women happy.

And what I loved most about this – is it puts all those needs and wants we women have into such a great perspective – of COURSE we want these things!!  All of a sudden it feels natural to want these things!!

It made me feel relaxed, just reading this. Here’s Cynthia’s blog http://cynthiaoccelli.blogspot.com/

Love, Rori

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93 Comments

  1.  #1Simply Shannon on May 25, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    These are great! I nearly melted just reading about a man who would protect and provide for me. I WANT ONE OF THOSE!



  2.  #2Daria on May 25, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Hi… feeling good!

    FELT awful yesterday and pulled by fear to not call my godsis mom on her birthday!

    whoa!! was I addicted to feeling afraid of being abandoned or attacked!!!

    pulling myself back and growing into a bigger Daria that respects herself and has love for SELF so i can have REAL loyalty not fear based loyalty

    this was more trying than ANY man

    haha

    everything is everything!

    i love me

    i did it and feel better

    more babysteps on my journey

    i want love and respect in ALL my relationships!



  3.  #3Filipina Girl on May 26, 2010 at 4:03 am

    Thank you for nailing all of these down for the guys! Men really needs to read this ASAP. 😀



  4.  #4Linda on May 26, 2010 at 5:13 am

    I can say whole heartidly that this post puts the complexity of the internal into simple words of instruction. Of course we would not be looking for a dater to do these things, but a man who did these things for me would definately go to the head of the class.

    I wish my ex-husband would have stayed present.. done these things….he would not be my ex if he had.

    My question is this…. how is it that we can communicate these things that are our needs and wants without “telling” “instructing” “leaning forward” . Lots of men just dont GET IT. !

    Linda



  5.  #5Brenda on May 26, 2010 at 6:20 am

    Linda, Christian Carter said to package it in a playful, enticing way, like, “You know what really turns me on? Ohhh, I just love it when you do this!” Build it up to be something exciting and fun, to the point where he’s aching to know what he can do to please you and turn you on! Then say it, “Remember when you did such-and-such? I just LOVED the way you did that! I felt so wonderful!”

    Another way he recommends is to say, rather than blaming or making him wrong, “I want to be with a man who such-and-such.”

    I realize Rori’s approach is one of letting the man take the lead by figuring it out, like, “I feel such-and-such. What can we do about it?”

    Christian Carter says a man likes it when a woman defines what she likes in a man, and I like his approach in this area.



  6.  #6Linda on May 26, 2010 at 7:06 am

    Thanks Brenda… I have Christians e-book. It is good to be reminded about that.

    I guess the key is finding a guy who really wants to please. One will come along.

    I have perfected sharing a feeling and asking what do you think. On to the next thing.

    LOL – I knew that copying the text and sending it in an email would be a no no but I like easy factor and the direct, black and white route! LOL

    Linda



  7.  #7Mochaberri on May 26, 2010 at 8:54 am

    I truly appreciate this! I too have learned to use my feelings language and expressing my feelings and have gotten great results. We are learning each other in an intimate relationship opposed to a “friends with benefits” relationship we had years ago. What I am struggling with at this point is how to be vulnerable and open up completely to receive his love? What does being vulnerable mean and how does it look? I guess my male side kicks in and I’m thinking looking for examples instead of feeling? HELP!!!



  8.  #8tinque on May 26, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Rori also says that when a man does something that you like, that feels really good, say so in the moment. “Oooh this feels SO good. I love it when you…..”
    You can also speak of past experiences with the same man, “It felt amazing when you….”
    xxoo



  9.  #9Rori Raye on May 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Mochaberri, Welcome – and your question is what we’re all about here. Follow along with us (Daria is great at this) and learn to “Riff” from the posts here…try my Modern Siren program, and just keep practicing the Tools…the joy of it will just make you want to keep doing it, and before you know it…things will shift! Love, Rori



  10.  #10Rori Raye on May 26, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Brenda – Yes! I’m totally on board with this…and it’s actually totally Feeling Message and Passion Story…Just try “It would feel good to be with a man who…..” The word feel will get you further, when you can use it, than the word “want.” To yourself, though – please make lists of what you want, and what feels good…then you can always share those! Love, Rori



  11.  #11Rori Raye on May 26, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Linda – think of this as material for you writing down what “Feels Good” to you. You can ALWAYS express THAT to a man! Especially when he DOES one of those things! Love, Rori



  12.  #12Brenda on May 26, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Rori, I appreciate your feedback! Thank you!



  13.  #13Brenda on May 26, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Siena, RE: #14 in “Why Women Overfunction…” string

    I just read your post about being sick of CDing, and missing The Man. I know this goes against all of what Rori says, but if you are going to spend the rest of your life with The Man, and it’s meant to be, wouldn’t it be worth the risk to just one time contact The Man and share your true feelings for him, with him?

    I say that only because I had my moment in the sun with Larry Norman, my favorite Christian rock artist, and I wish, wish, wish I had made myself vulnerable for a moment to voice my attraction. His attraction was there, unstated. He probably hesitated cuz of who is was, very well known, and because he was 17 yrs older. I wouldn’t have lost a thing, but I might have gained beautiful years with the man I had loved since I was 9! I regret it now!

    I think some decisions should be made based on the future. I often ask myself, “How will this affect me 10 years from now? or 20 years from now?”

    I feel the same way about a lot of the men I meet, that no one begins to compare with the good aspects of Ryan, and a few other men I knew in the past.

    Hugs!
    Brenda



  14.  #14Brenda on May 26, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Hi Mochaberri! Here’s an example of being vulnerable. Interestingly enuff, this happened BEFORE I first listened to Rori’s CDs last year, which I thot was totally awesome after I heard them!!

    Ryan and I were laying in bed just cuddling and having pillow talk, as we did every night for months. No sex, just cuddling and talking. They were the most beautiful days of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!

    He asked me, “What is the secret of a woman’s mystery?”

    I answered, “Vulnerability.”

    He asked, “What do you mean?”

    I said, “A woman can learn to put up walls and protect herself, but deep down inside, a woman is very tender and vulnerable with deep feelings, longing to be expressed. She is most feminine when she is with a man who she trusts, and she opens up fully and lets all of her beauty out.”

    Ryan’s eyes welled up with beautiful tears, and he said softly, “Pillow talk is a beautiful way to get to know someone.”

    I said, “Yes, it is.”

    At that moment, I was unzipped. I was in love with him, trusting him, and I showed him my heart of hearts.



  15.  #15lucy on May 26, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    subscribing from my phone in the hospital. hope this works!



  16.  #16Brenda on May 26, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Lucy, you’re in the hospital? Is it something serious? Is it related to your sadness over Moving Away Man? 🙁



  17.  #17Simply Shannon on May 26, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Lucy, I hope your daughter is doing okay! Prayers said. (((HUGS)))



  18.  #18Simply Shannon on May 26, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Brenda: Lucy said her daughter was going in the hospital (due to complications from CF).

    Lucy: I’m assuming that’s still the reason.



  19.  #19Laughing goddess on May 26, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Yes Lucy, sending best wishes to you and your daughter!



  20.  #20lucy on May 26, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    thanks! no, brenda, it’s my daughter’s cf. i’m so glad my phone can do this here. i’m in the major city east of you brenda. i’m considering texting “him” and saying i would feel good being connected as friends. (yes it is true – i would rather be friends than nothing. i miss him.) feel free to try and talk me out of it! grieving has been more manageable with all your support and love. <3



  21.  #21Gizelle on May 26, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Rori,

    Can you do a blog on STDs and how they affect a relationship and what to do when you’re with a new guy? Thanks so much if you can!



  22.  #22Dan_Brodribb on May 26, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Nice article.

    I’m going to call my sweetie right now:)



  23.  #23Jennifer on May 26, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    hmmmmm……..
    got a message from guy who likes nurses. He has been in Ottawa all week working. Has to go to TO to attend to a family matter.
    He says he wants to hear the rain story for sure. He will get back to me.
    I said I get needing to deal with family stuff. He’s helping with his nephew, I too help out with my nephew.
    I said I felt fine to wait for my latte. And I do. But I feel like maybe I’m not SUPPOSED to feel fine waiting?
    Does this make sense to anyone else?
    Words of advice here?
    I feel nervous cause really I’m pretty laid back. Espeically since I have no attachment to this guy.
    But I worry that this is where I went wrong with B. He seemed startled whenever stuff mattered to me. Cause I didn’t put my foot down enough I guess.
    So, now I feel conflicted.



  24.  #24Laughing goddess on May 26, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Hey Lucy, I know that calling him would be technically leaning forward yet I feel good about it in this case.

    I feel scared to say that but then again, Rori says a rockstar can do anything… Or you could look at it as an experiment…if you’re not too attached to a particular outcome. For me, it would feel fun to be spontaneous. Spontanaity might be perfect because you won’t have time to get in your head about it.

    How do you feel. What do you wanna do?



  25.  #25dorothea on May 26, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    i find that my rockstar moments come and go. i’m not very often a rockstar but i DO have my moments. For example, the other night my man’s plans for us fell through and i felt disappointed but we talked it through and were cool. Then I said…I miss you. I am coming to see you right now. Then on the way I txtd “get dressed, we’re going star hunting.” and my rockstar self drove us out to the boonies where we could see the stars.

    he was totally into it and turned on by this side of me. but if i had been attached to the outcome and coming from a needy or sad place that needed to see him to cover up other feelings or would have felt bad if he had said no, it wouldn’t have been attractive.

    i love rockstar moments.



  26.  #26mary on May 26, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    lucy,
    prayers for you and your daughter.

    dorothea,
    here’s to rockstar moments.

    daria,
    it’s wonderful to know that you’re not always quantum leaping; cheers to your baby steps



  27.  #27mary on May 26, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    waterwheel:

    i was talking to my real estate coach yesterday and island man called!

    i said, “OH, WOW. IT’S ISLAND MAN!” but didn’t get off the phone. then he called AGAIN and left a message.

    the message said, “just sayin’ hi.”

    then he called again last night, but i didn’t see it because the light wasn’t flashing. he didn’t leave a message then.

    i just emailed back and said something like “thanks for the hello…”

    mmmmmmmm… here’s hoping that he’ll ask me for a date.



  28.  #28Linda on May 26, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I have my Rockstar moments. I love them too. I am feeling really drained these days. Empty mostly. I dont have anyone “depositing” into my life right now. My love bank is feeling pretty low/empty in may ways.

    However, I am looking out the picture window and admiring the beautiful deep purple clemantis vine that has bloomed for the first time since I have lived in this house. (three years) Wonder what suddenly caused it to bloom.. what is different this year? The same with the rose bushes from a previous owner Normally barren bushes are loaded with flowers. Weird.

    Just when I never expected them to bare their fruit they did. Maybe my life will take a turn like that too. That would feel rewarding and wonderful.

    Linda



  29.  #29mary on May 26, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    i was talking to someone yesterday and SHE said, “you need to get your priorities straight.” then you’ll be able to be completely focused if one of your relationships takes off. she said it wouldn’t be great to be so into Island Man when Old Flame surfaces.

    i think i’m listening too much to everyone else.

    what do YOU say, Mary?

    (mary will now have a daria conversation with herself)

    “well, okay! (nobody ever asks ME…) I want Island Man because he isn’t a hot shot multi-millionaire and we could be partners in life and learn together and grow together.”

    but what about Old Flame?

    “yeah. well, it was good when we were kids. and we talk great together. and see eye to eye on almost everything, and we could buy a beautiful place and travel the world.

    but… he has three dogs. and i’m allergic to dogs. and he travels when he works.”

    but how do you FEEL about Old Flame?

    “I don’t know any more.”

    how do you think Old Flame would feel if you were dating Island Man when he is finally free?

    “well, i don’t plan on only dating Island Man.”

    how do you think Island Man would feel if you suddenly took out a week when Old Flame wants to come to town?

    “well, i don’t plan on only dating Island Man.”

    how do you think Island Man would feel if you didn’t only date him?

    “i really don’t know! i don’t know him very well! he seems really cool, though.”

    how will you accomplish dating lots of guys at once?

    “I’ll just keep accepting dates and more dates from the guys who are calling me. I’m not gonna be looking for men. They’ll have to find me. All I’ll be doing is putting myself out there. It’s their job to find me and my job to respond to them.”

    Mary, do you think you have your priorities straight?

    “yes! i’m just dating lots of guys so i’ll understand who i want to spend the rest of my life with. it’s called research.”

    can’t you do this research by deciding on either Old Flame or Island Man?

    “you mean in the abstract?”

    yeah.

    “no. i need to get to know them better first. the only way to do that is to date both of them, and the only way to date both of them is to date other men, too…”

    okay then.



  30.  #30mary on May 26, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    linda,

    i hope your life takes a rewarding and wonderful turn!



  31.  #31Simply Shannon on May 26, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Ohhhh Mary. I feel such clarity in that conversation!!!



  32.  #32Jilly on May 26, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Mary…that’s great he called 3 times 😉 and nice work on leaning back 😉

    So…I feel great and self confident one day and then I’ll feel self doubt and “needy whiny and wanty” the next few days…like one step forward two steps back…but not with my CD guys….the guys I work with!!! I’m a firefighter and I work with 10 of them. I had a rockstar moment on Friday (let me back up)…

    So I started expressing myself in feeling messages with the CD guys (which this week I seem to be attracting more nicy nice ones and ones that I’m really attracted to) and I feel that it’s blending over into my work…and I feel more confident at work…I would say I have a lot of self confidence but then at the same time I think confidence is one of my weaker points when it comes to work…does this even make sense??? lol

    Anyway I’m feeling this need for so much validation and I feel icky about it. When I catch myself doing it I feel disgusted with myself…but that’s when I want to turn around and love my disgusted feelings right?
    I feel needy for validation
    I love my needy feelings 😉

    But I hate feeling insecure and not confident…does anyone else notice they practice the tools even when it doesn’t apply to dating?



  33.  #33Daria on May 26, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    ok. Got into it with mom. felt triggered that she asked

    “why is that dress on your chair”

    i responded but a lil defensively

    she asked im upset

    i said umm well yes umm, well i dont know how to say this, but yes i do feel upset, when you asked that i felt kinda controlled and i felt upset

    she said

    “but i only asked why that dress was there”

    (the “innocent q” rori talks about)

    i said yes i know, i feel bad but i did feel controlled

    she said

    “u want to know something…”

    i said actually i dont . i closed my window files and started getting my stuff ready to leave the room

    shes like ” well yu know what i dont have to do something you have to do something get a job ”

    i took my stuff and moved rooms .

    then i locked my door

    she came and tested my door and said she doesnt want em to be locking doors

    i said well i am locking it, i dont want to open it now

    she said shes calling the police

    i said thats fine

    then shes like can you please open the door

    usually i would have because i thought it was rude for me to lock doors but i am practincing taking care OF ME!

    so i said

    no

    i do not want to

    then i just continued doing what i was doing

    later in like 10 min she asked me if i had opened my box that came in the mail (obviously i hadnt because she was bringing me the unopend box)
    but her energy felt more open so i opened the door and left it open

    GOSH

    this standing up for myself is a BRAVE and SCARY thing

    i keep worrying that im messing up, both with my godsister and with mom, overreacting etc

    im just doing what i can as best i can in the moment

    i don’t want to alienate them but i don’t want to tolerate feeling bad anymore in my life from ANYONE



  34.  #34Daria on May 26, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    my mom vacuumed the house and I vacuumed my room. took a couple hours.

    there was a dry rose i’ve had for 10 years ever since my first love.

    i had planned to bury it in the garden BUT LIKE EVERYTHING I PLAN ON DOING I PUT IT OFF AND DIDNT (that is not true – tahnk you nv and i lvoe you).

    well this time guess what… the vase tipped over and 2 glass roses broke their head off the stem… i turned to look for the dry rose and omgosh… its head was broken off the stem too!

    it still looked SO BEAUTIFUL

    i took it and buried it outside the garden in about 2 min

    the earth smelled rich and delicious

    i cleaned up and reorganized a lil bit

    my room looks nice

    i took my study table oout on the balcony so i can study outside now too

    this is good what ive done for myself

    im getting a million and one texts and not answering them

    i dont want texts

    i want dates

    i havent been on a date in a long time it feels like

    i had a date tonite but i felt more like a friend so i told him that
    he said thank you for being upfront

    i went to acupuncture and got deep acupuncture for

    this infection that seemed to have gotten a lil bit worse, but now after acupuncture its of course better

    i feel so excited for the day i have healthy pee over and over again!

    i feel a sinking hopeless feeling and i love my hopeless feeling and i choose to believe that it WILL happen for me

    meanwhile i have exercised 3 times in the past 2 weeks (my 15 min workout with amazing instant results) and i have been eating very little, just vegetable soup mostly

    so my waist has shrunk amazingly, tho not my butt! yay

    i must say ive been wanting this but now that its happening i feel a lil bit weirded out by how it looks and find myself judging myself as too skinny!

    i lov emy judgement!

    i feel stronger and better in my body from exercising

    im also not goig to be addicted tot he blog and computer any more, i am coming here but not remaining here to sit for hours with unplanned activities.

    i want to have a FUN life even though nothing i can think of seems fun to do by myself

    babysteps



  35.  #35Apple Jacks on May 26, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Daria – “GOSH

    this standing up for myself is a BRAVE and SCARY thing

    i keep worrying that im messing up, both with my godsister and with mom, overreacting etc

    im just doing what i can as best i can in the moment

    i don’t want to alienate them but i don’t want to tolerate feeling bad anymore in my life from ANYONE”

    I really feel this whole statement. It IS both brave and scary like you just said. I am beginning to actually feel familiar with it too for the first time in my entire life, actually HOW and What standing up for yourself looks and feels like. Where you are so firmly rooted on the inside that the outside demeanor is so calm. I feel like you did just that. It does not make us feel any less scared in the moment, but that fear does not take away from the firm confidence either that what you are doing in that moment is so right for you.

    I used to be told this while growing up all the time, being a Sufi (it’s like what Kabbalah is in Judiasm, this is for Islam). Dealing with the whole arranged marriage thing, I was constantly told that I had to get married and settle down while I was “young” and it used to upset me so much! I was familiar with the concept of what Rori talks about strong on the outside and soft on the outside but I did not master it. I was like, what does that even mean? My life is being taken away from me and my natural instinct is to fight and sometimes that means kicking and screaming. It is now clicking with me and your scenario really provided a visual for me of what this might actually look like sometimes. I feel like you displayed a lot of inner strength there. Hats off to you.



  36.  #36Apple Jacks on May 26, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Daria – “im also not goig to be addicted tot he blog and computer any more, i am coming here but not remaining here to sit for hours with unplanned activities.”

    Dude this is exactly how I’ve been feeling too! Like you said, baby steps.



  37.  #37Daria on May 26, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Apple Jacks – awesome!

    well i want to keep my heart open an communicate from a warm loving place

    i’ve been checking out Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul whom Rori posts guest articles from sometimes. It’s really clicked some AHA stuff for me and some step by step on what to do.

    I got the action, I am babystepping.. I would also like the words…

    I know whta Sufism is, I have practiced a mediation form this which is open heart meditation chanting Aalah. I really love the way it feels like my heart is opening a whole world. I’ve had some awesome visions with this

    some guy, Mark Silver, uses this meditation in his Heart of Business programs

    I want to EFT for tomorrow, I am speaking with my lawyer about my DUI case, and I would so love if something amazing happened (like it was dismissed) but the logical signs point to not. I want to shift this, but I feel lazy about doing the EFT right now.

    I wish I had an EFT buddy i could call and do EFT with.



  38.  #38Daria on May 26, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    What I meant to say is I feel a lil disappointed that I was not also able to use open hearted words with my mom. Like more feeling messages and don’t wants, instead i felt tightened up and defensive. However, I am babystepping. I am open to my process.

    I feel sigh.

    I feel impatience.



  39.  #39Daria on May 26, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    I desire a fun life with lots of friends who call me, want to visit me, invite me out, honor me, and support me! Thank you!



  40.  #40mary on May 27, 2010 at 2:08 am

    daria.

    you’re spurring me on to dream dreams…



  41.  #41Candy on May 27, 2010 at 2:13 am

    I feel sad and relieved. I haven’t cried yet this time.
    Just break up with my boyfriend of 10 months 5 hours ago. I feel real this time.

    In the beginning, I acted insecured I admit. He does have male friends but also quite relatively good number of female friends too (compared with some men I know). They are friendly on his facebook though also some quite flirtatious too, eg liking profile picture, making funny comments, etc. He said he is just being friendly and has only acted professionally with them. I found no real evidence though the otherwise. I felt perplexed. He got angry and initiated break-up a couple of times before. I talked to be back most of the time. He is also very careful about his phone all the time. He said he did not want to tell me his past relationship as they were painful and thought that I would judge him and leave him (a woman left him without notice and other one had relationship with another man, and his ex-wife cheated on him – that’s all I know). There have been quite little or medium sized things here and there that I did not feel very comfortable with. I thought I was jealous (true, a bit). I thought I was insecured.

    Then I came across Rori, I started doing the leaning back and feeling statements. I felt a bit less tense or on egg shell for the past month or so. He was away on business trip over 2 weekends and he called everyday and paid pricy phone bill. When he was back, he asked me well in advance for an evening dinner date. I was so happy thought he steps up to the plate. But he was late for half an hour, though called me on his way to apologize. Anyway, it was a nice dinner, he told me how much he loves me as always, and promising going on a Europe trip together. But the next day, he mentioned in a call asking if I mean serious about the Europe trip. I felt speechless. I said it would feel good to go there as I like and miss Europe a lot.

    There are so many suggestions. I feel so happy and like flying every time. Then I wait and wait for follow-up, eg how and when he sees his proposal is going to happen. I felt difficult managing my expectations keeping myself balance and not mad at him or putting stress on him in realizing his suggestions / words.

    Reading some posts on web, I was afraid it is an imaginery relationship. However, he did introduce me to at least 3 of his close team members form work and his brother via webcam as well as mentioning me to some of his family members. It felt real. And he made the effort to attend my family gatherings (his family is in another part of the world, he stations and works in my city here) as well as treating my parents to meals a couple of times.

    Then he got very drunk yesterday night. Called me this morning saying sorry. I was still upset and probably sounded cold. He said I love you. I didn’t feel like speaking anything at that moment. Then he concluded that I want to break up. I said I would be upset several months ago and would keep calling him whole night. I said now that I choose to be responsible for my happiness and decided I trust that he be able to take care of himself (I heard in phone he reached home). He said since I didn’t say I love him in return, it is a breakup.

    Honestly, at that moment, I felt relieved though sad, felt I am dumped, though in grey area this time due to all the accumulated discomforts. I tried not to be controlling and perfectionist that I learn to take ‘no’ as answer. I thought about CDing after reading Rori but did not really go to single site or event as our relationship was assumed to be exclusive. So I just went on some events where I can meet new people, not much achievement yet.

    I feel disappointed. Thank you for your reading and support. Sorry for being long.



  42.  #42mary on May 27, 2010 at 2:38 am

    okay.

    i don’t really know what got into me, but the other day, i suddenly started thinking about this way-out piano teacher here in victoria. an acquaintance of mine took lessons from him and wanted me to go to her recital.

    i was blown away by his students at the recital.

    so.

    i tried to look him up a few years ago, but the place where she told me he was teaching was vacant. i thought, oh. he was old, and maybe he died… and i couldn’t remember his name, (or her name) so there was no way to find him.

    and i never thought about him again until the other day.

    the other day – in just a momentary flash – i felt inspired to call the music conservatory, and in two seconds, i had his email address. i was hardly even conscious of doing it.

    then, just as suddenly, i emailed him and told him i wanted to take a lesson.

    ???

    wha???

    it was totally on impulse.

    and he called me and said i had to buy an mp3 recorder. so i did.

    and i took a lesson.

    and i’m just now downloading it and listening to it.

    oh.

    he sat at one piano and i sat at the other. and he said. okay. play something kinda like this: and i did. and then he said, play something kinda like this other thing: and i did. wow. it was magical.

    something new!

    mind expansion.

    and he gave me tons of things to practice.

    something MARY to do!

    SOMETHING TOTALLY MARY TO DO.

    yes.

    mary has been motionless, musicless, soundless and huddled up in her cocoon, and now george will cut her out. and she will come flying out as a gorgeous, beautiful butterfly.

    yes!

    mary will fly!

    hey, hey, hey, hey HEY!

    something to DO!

    something to TRY!

    something that’s Mary.

    oh!

    i feel happy.

    i feel joyful.

    and…

    it has nothing to do with island man.

    it has nothing to do with old flame.

    it has nothing to do with music man.

    it has nothing to do with R.

    it has nothing to do with anyone.

    wow.

    the old Mary is gone. the new Mary is here. the new Mary is also the old Mary and the new Mary is older now! and who even cares? NObody.

    how did this happen?

    there was something alive in mary’s voice, talking to the teacher at the lesson.

    and there are now new possibilities! hey. maybe the bengal lounge. and my friends could come lounge around with me there… cool.

    and i don’t have to be a jazzer. i can still do my own thing. and something will work. or not work. i’ll try what george says to try. and learn. and then adapt. and it might be good. it might not.

    it doesn’t matter.

    it’ll be me!

    oh…

    where has Mary been?

    where have you been, Mary?

    ??? !! ?

    I’ve missed you.

    and Mary…

    ?

    go ahead and dream if you want.

    sometimes dreams come true.



  43.  #43Linda on May 27, 2010 at 4:28 am

    I went out last night and cut some of the flowers and brought them to work with me. They make me feel good and are a visual reminder to not feel hopeless.

    Linda



  44.  #44Mochaberri on May 27, 2010 at 5:54 am

    Brenda and Rori thanks! I am actually a returning Goddess.. I usually make comments on the New Questions And Stories From You post. Anyway, Brenda that was an insightful example. This man and I have opened a door to something new beautiful and excitied and I do feel unzipped when I’m with him and feel that’s why we have progressed. I must say sometimes I second guess myself which he and I are working through. I would love to hear more examples of vulnerability!



  45.  #45Laughing goddess on May 27, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Yay Mary! I felt really good and resonate reading your post about the piano!

    I had a similar experience a few years back. I was in a horrible imaginary relationship. I was living with a man who told me all the time that he didn’t want me. Really I flet more like his servant than anything. I was majorly overfunctioning…”doing” things to win his love which totally backfired on me. This is when I first started reading Rori’s stuff.

    I had very little experience with music. In junior high, I wanted to play percussion but instead the school assigned me to another instrument that I had no interest in. Then I tried out for choir and didn’t make it. I grew up thinking I had no musical talent.

    So back to this horrible imaginary relationship… While I was in it, I stumbled into taking drum classes. My teacher and I soon after formed a womens drum group. We would do performances and it felt so freeing and fun. This totally changed my energy and gave me the confidence to leave that messed up relationship.

    I moved to another city soon after and didn’t play drums for a few years. Well just recently, I was out and saw this amazing percussion group playing. I had the immediate desire to play with them. The next day, I saw the band leader at the health food store. I went up to him and told him I wanted to play in his band. There was a bit of a process of tryouts and practices, but they were happy to have me join and now I am playing with them and it feels so amazing!!! I love it.

    It feels so good to have my thing! To follow a lifelong passion. Both times I joined the band, I also quickly met someone. It felt like it created a shift in my energy which made me more confident and attractive… Probably because I was soooo happy!

    Congratulations Mary! I feel so excited for you and yes, I feel excited for me too!!!



  46.  #46Laughing goddess on May 27, 2010 at 6:13 am

    Here’s to following our bliss!



  47.  #47Laughing goddess on May 27, 2010 at 6:22 am

    Something else I’ve been wondering about (and hoping Rori will clarify) is that I seem to remember Rori saying that it’s not our job to decide who we want to be with, it’s our job to respond to the men who are showing up, who are actually coming to us.

    I’ve been feeling curious about this subject and also wondering if it might help you, Mary, with your confusion regarding whether to choose OF or IM or B or whomever.

    It would feel so good if Rori or someone else who knows would shed light on this topic.



  48.  #48Simply Shannon on May 27, 2010 at 8:15 am

    Daria: I love your babysteps. I can sense you are on the cusp of a breakthrough with your family. It sounds like you trigger her, she triggers you. Your mom sounds just like my mom. “u want to know something…” Ugh. That’s a familiar statement. And I have said the same thing “No.” Knowing that the “something” is going to be something I don’t like. It’s like a defense mechanism. My mom thinks I’m being a bitch or just not listening and she lashes out at me with something “helpful”, which is usually a statement of how foolish I’ve been.

    So for practice, next time my mom says “u want to know something…”, I say “I would feel happy to hear what you have to say but right now I don’t feel open to it. Can we talk another time?”

    The skill I want is how to diffuse the “I feel furious” trigger which happens immediately into the “I feel open to what you are saying because it is an opportunity for me to learn something new and I don’t have to DO anything just because you said something”. It’s like riffing but on speed dial. Ya know? So that they don’t necessarily see the whole process. I don’t want to hide all of those emotions but I can still experience the fury for me without communicating it to the other person. Yes/No? Is that stuffing it? Daria, what do you think?

    Mary, I feel so happy reading your post. Yeah for the “new” Mary. You have been this Mary all along, she just got sidetracked for awhile. <3

    Mr. Fab Kisser is emailing me again. It looks like he's attempting to move forward and pursue me. We'll see. Right now I'm singularly focused on me and finding pursuits which thrill me.



  49.  #49Brenda on May 27, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Hello, you all said some really brilliant things. Mary, I love your thought process, and I really enjoyed reading that and relating to it. The stuff you said about the new Mary is downright poetic and you wrote stuff in a really meaningful way that I’m sure a lot of people relate to.

    I could go on and on with how inspiring and penetrating the words are of all you goddesses!

    Let me share a past breakthru I had with my Dad. By nature, he was an extremely angry, controlling man. I had discussed my relationship with him with my counselor around 1990, and he is the first to introduce to me feeling messages, altho nothing to the extent Rori did!

    My Dad came to visit me in Pennsylvania from upstate NY to help me move. We were loading his van when he told me to remove the drawers of a dresser. “Dad, they’re already empty. It’s lightweight enuff.”

    “No, I want you to take them out of the dresser.”

    I had had my fill of being controlled by him, and I was literally trembling when I said, “No, Dad, I like to load it with the drawers in.”

    True to form, he started yelling, ranting, and raving, saying stuff about how unappreciative I was for him coming all the way from NY to help me move; how rebellious I was; etc. He was still yelling about 20 minutes later, 8 miles down the road.

    As my counselor had taught me, I said softly, “Dad, I don’t feel very loved right now.”

    “WHAT??”

    “I don’t feel very loved right now.”

    “Well, I DO love you.”

    “Well, I sure don’t feel it.”

    He pulled the van into a parking lot, and we talked it out. After a lot of conversation, and, yes, some more yelling, we ended up crying, hugging, and saying “I love you” to each other.

    Our relationship had a lot of bumps in the years following that time, but that marked the START of healing in our relationship!

    Over and over, he would start to yell, criticize, or order me around, and I would just stand my ground, not allowing myself to be controlled. I’d typically say something like, “No, thanks, this is the way I like to do it.” or “I don’t enjoy being yelled at.” Our relationship grew and grew, and I am so thankful that by the time he passed away 6 years ago, our relationship was the best it had ever been, with him saying, “I love you” left and right!



  50.  #50mary on May 27, 2010 at 9:03 am

    hmmmm…

    i love that speed dial riffing idea.

    things can look pretty crazily emotional at 2:38 am. eh?

    i think i have a barrier against the nighttime rituals because i always had a man in my rituals before. so now maybe on some level i’m thinking, “then i won’t sleep.”

    how counter-productive.

    love all the comments here. laughing goddess, come up here and play drums for me! that’s so cool.



  51.  #51Rori Raye on May 27, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Candy, Welcome – and though I’m so sorry for yuor pain – you sound to me like you’re doing all this just great. A man who “breaks up” with you because you don’t say I love you back once sounds a bit dicey to me – and it also sounds like you felt sort of “done” with him. I’d love to encourage you to Circular Date – that’s the Targeting Mr. Right program – and if he shows up – you’ll know how to include him in your circle of men and how to talk to him. It’s just so not good-feeling to always be on eggshells with a man…and to have your insecurities constantly activated. When a man is into you – he just is. You can feel it. You relax. The trick for us who are so used to pining after a man is to allow ourselves to love a man who just IS in love with us….Love, Rori



  52.  #52Brenda on May 27, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Hi Candy,

    I don’t know him like you do, but what I read in your post reminds me of my exhusband, Kenny. After years of seeing his pattern, I realized all the times he broke up were not genuine break-ups. Rather, he was apparently trying to control me by saying he was breaking up.

    Over and over, a slight eruption in our relationship would happen, usually him not getting his own way, and he would say, “You’re never going to see my face again!” or “That’s it, it’s over. I’m thru.” or something to that effect.

    Then over and over, when I’d come in his direction, either by crying or asking him to stop or reasoning with him where is your unconditional love, etc, and he’d “make up with me.” After so many times, I realized his break-ups weren’t really break-ups.

    For a lot of years, I just felt torn apart and in pain because of all his manipulative behavior. I know him better now, and I don’t fall for all his tricks. He’s lost the advantage of my naivete.

    After 10 years of knowing each other, and now we’ve been divorced 4 years, we’re still friends. He STILL tries to do variations of that. If I say something outside the “will of Kenny”, as I call it, he starts ranting and raving, “I knew it. This isn’t a real friendship. So what are you saying, Brenda? If you don’t want me in your life, just say so! I know when I’m being played. You’re just stringing me along, aren’t you?”

    I am really making progress, cuz now I use my Rori tools and what you all are coaching me on. Last time he played his foolish game, I said, “Wow, that’s feels really weird. That’s not how I feel at all!”

    He pulled right out of his control and manipulation and we returned to our relatively-healthy friendship.

    It also reminds me of the time we had one of hundreds of vicious arguments. Immediately after, Kenny wanted to play sexually. I said no. He started trying to control and manipulate me, pressuring me, making me feel guilty…I forget his exact words.

    I didn’t have the Rori tools at that time, and how I reacted was to angrily raise my leg and I said, “There, go at it! Is that what you want? Am I your whore to order around at will? Sex begins in the kitchen, Kenny. You don’t treat a woman like S*** and then expect her to respond to your attention.”

    If I were in a similar scenario now, I would say “I feel shut down. I don’t feel emotionally safe right now.”

    Candy, I bet you a nickel that he will get back at you, wanting to make things right. It feels like control and manipulation to me, altho I may be wrong. Keep us posted, all right?



  53.  #53Brenda on May 27, 2010 at 10:31 am

    By the way, I call our friendship “relatively healthy” now because we have worked thru most of these heavier issues. I highly doubt I will ever remarry him, altho he would in a heartbeat. There are just too many issues that remain. But I really enjoy his friendship now. I just see it as limited, because there are a number of major topics I simply avoid with him.



  54.  #54Laughing goddess on May 27, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Rori said: When a man is into you – he just is. You can feel it. You relax. The trick for us who are so used to pining after a man is to allow ourselves to love a man who just IS in love with us”

    That is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I have a lover who is clearly into me, treats me so well. He makes all our meals, makes me yummy lattes every morning we are together, comes up with dates, gives me amazing massages, talks about our future, having kids, etc. etc.

    And I am finding myself pining for this other guy. It’s like I equate pining with true love. Are there any tools to deal with this? I want to remain present with LI.

    Ugh! I really hope this passes!



  55.  #55Laughing goddess on May 27, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Rori: how do we stop pining and relax into being loved?



  56.  #56Ankita on May 27, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Hello everyone,
    I feel so silly for asking this question but really wanna know…

    I wanna know something regarding online dating..
    I recently registered myself for dates at fropper.com…

    Got a huge response over there, but was a bit disappointed to see 1) guys from my city are very less there, 2) most of the guys are too old for me, 3) guys who are of my age, have hardly their pic on profile, so I just don’t feel like responding to them at all…

    Some of the guys who sparked my interest, gave their phone no. or asked for mine, on the spot. I feel a little uncomfy giving my no. to anyone I barely know. Coz I had some stalking experiences regarding phone no.s

    What should I do???

    Right now I am just responding,
    “Thanks for your interest… Would love to get to know more about you…

    My id is anki.beautiful.baby@gmail.com

    Hope you have a great day…

    Ankita….”

    Is this response okay??? Or is something more needed too…???



  57.  #57Brenda on May 27, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Hi Ankita,

    Your response is good. If no pic, I would ask for a pic and not go any further unless they provide a pic. The way I see it, if I meet them in person, I know what they look like. So it’s not unreasonable to request. If too old, just say I’m sorry, I’m only looking for men in such-and-such age range. Or not answer at all. That way you don’t have to deal with sometimes-hostile reactions. Once I posted and got about 20 responses. I couldn’t say yes to them all, so I simply narrowed them down. I sent them all a no thank you, and some wrote back angrily saying I was prejudiced or this or that. It just isn’t worth the energy sometimes. It’s not like you owe them anything just cuz you posted a personal ad.



  58.  #58Tina on May 27, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    I”m spending less time at truckmans house and even fewer sleep overs, I’ve switched the sleepovers to my house 🙂 oh and the shampoo and body wash bottles DISAPPEARED, I feel laughing and funny about this. Oh this was so cool what he said last night, he said that his whole life was practice until he learned to take care of his goddess awe!. Last night I had this experiance with my son, truckman and a younger man, like a nephew to me, they were all competing for my attention, my son wanting to know what he can do around the house for me and showing me plans to make puppets/marionettes, truckman talking about his building things skills and nephew guy showing me his new computer. All three at once so I addressed my son first, then truckman then nephew. I just walked out to where they were all sitting, getting ready to head out with truckman and putting lotion on my feet and they came all at once talking and showing me their stuff. I felt amused by this.



  59.  #59Daria on May 27, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    YAy TINA!



  60.  #60mary on May 27, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    hi Laughing Goddess,

    i’m not Rori, but i would say that you stay in the present and experience and enjoy what is happening now. continuing to do that on an everyday basis might yield some surprising results.

    like falling in love with a guy who treats you well. i feel happy that you have a guy like that!

    we all want what we can’t have because we’re all fallible and there are parts of us that don’t feel deserving of the best. when people treat us well, we look down on them because we think they have poor judgment when they choose us! their rejections resonate with our nasty voices.

    it’s seems to me like it’s about self esteem.

    and one way to elevate our opinions about ourselves is to acknowledge and accept the gifts of love, adoration, admiration and attention that we’re being given right now. and listen to the sweet voices.

    instead of looking at people who impact us, who we want, we TURN OUR ATTENTION (balls in our courts) to the people we’re impacting and who want us. and we love those people.



  61.  #61Tina on May 27, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Daria, yes, I peeked in the shower just to see, I knew I wouldnt feel disappointed if the bottles were still there but to my suprise POOF gone!

    We did have a convo about fem/masc energy while we were out parking by the river at midnight, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips and asked if that was masculine? hehe I just leaned back in my chair and smiled.



  62.  #62Tina on May 27, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    1. never stop courting her. I would say never stop being a goddess 🙂 and he will always be courting you. 🙂



  63.  #63mary on May 27, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    ooooooooh.

    it’s thursday.

    yes, island man dialed my number three times on tuesday. and he did leave one message. and i didn’t call him back. it was late when i got in. so i emailed him and told him i got his message and was glad to hear his hello.

    no call on wednesday. no email, either.

    it’s thursday and i feel so anxious.

    i don’t like feeling this way!

    i want a man who isn’t so ambivalent, or doesn’t have a problem continuing to call me. or something!

    maybe i’ve been spoiled in the past by men who would do that? and most men are this way?

    oh………

    i feel discouraged.

    i need to turn my attention to the people i’m impacting, and the people who want me.

    and i’m tired of being frustrated with island man.

    i give up.

    again.



  64.  #64mary on May 27, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    : (

    silent screaming frustration!



  65.  #65mary on May 27, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    oh wait…

    that’s right! i’m on my adventure, and this was just a dark rider.

    with some kind of message.



  66.  #66mary on May 27, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    i feel frustrated right now that i’m not a guy.

    if i was a guy, i’d be looking at younger women. and emailing them constantly. and taking the initiative. and making dates. as many as i wanted, with as many different women as possible.

    and that would be easier.

    and there would be a larger pool of attractive people to choose from.

    and i’d feel more in control.

    and if i didn’t have a date scheduled, i’d go to a movie by myself, or go to a bar and ask women to dance. and talk to women.

    and i’d feel more in control.

    i feel mad.

    i’m mad to be in this position in my life at this time.

    i’m mad at my ex who couldn’t stand the thought of being without a woman, so he found one before he left me. he didn’t think about me. and whether or not i’d like to be without a man. or what it would do to me to see him with someone else. so soon.

    yes!

    i’m mad about that.



  67.  #67mary on May 27, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    year-end photography banquet in 30 minutes.

    good.



  68.  #68Candy on May 27, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Hi Rori and Brenda,

    I feel very grateful for your support and advice!
    I feel more grounded and centred with all the tools.
    Actually, I have all Rori’s products. I find the Toxic Man the most useful for me – it helped me to get to know myself a lot.

    I am a typical You First person. From kid, I learn t that I have to work to get what I want. So, when I put effort on something, I expect results. When I was in high school group projects, I would find myself very very upset and shut down when my idea is not taken or my effort not praised, as if I live on other’s appreciations. Yet inside, I fought against that tendency and try to be rebellious – my outlet was in art and design which is and why I excel – doing some design that is different from others that surprises others.

    In relationship, when I input and do not see things going in my expected way, I feel insecured. If some external object or person is involved, I feel jealous. It was a ah-ha moment for me that I know now why I behave and feel in return in my old pattern.

    I also now know that I tend to attract men who need my input a lot. My ex basically relied on me to make all decisions. I thought I was happy, then everything wasted like wax. Now, the one I am with likes how I care a lot about him (what a crying baby!) but at the same time fights and defends my control where he doesn’t like it.

    I feel so happy now that I know myself and can catch myself overfunctioning. I feel I have my internal body flushed through, feel like unknown dirty stuff clarified. That is why he complains sometimes that I don’t care for him. He is such a crying baby that I even find funny sometimes.

    I am also a rational and emotionally calm person. My family does not talk about feelings at all. And my mother has such discerning eyes that I feel under surveillance all the time. I grew to not express myself such that I am not manipulated. As such, I give person the impression that I am a good listener. And I attract people who are expressive and kind of emotional too. Now I am trying to express more of myself.

    Now, with these changes in myself, subtly though, I feel a bit nervous about how its impacts. I feel vulnerable and losing control of the external environment, but more in control of myself internally.

    I feel lucky I found Rori and you all here. thank you.



  69.  #69Daria on May 28, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Brenda – I keep getting triggered about that post so I will say.

    You felt open and good speaking about vulnerability. But telling a man what vulnerability is is not the real deal of being vulnerable.

    Feeling messages or silence while not reaching forward is the way to express vulnerability.



  70.  #70Siena on May 28, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Laughing Goddess, your post #54 really touched me. I sometimes feel the same way, although I think “pining” is a strong word – it’s more like I just miss him.

    I read your post yesterday, right before a date with one of my CDs, and had a very strong feeling hit me, “I wish it was The Man I’m waiting to pick me up instead of CD.”

    Luckily, he was a little late, and I had time to pause and pray. From my heart I asked God what that was about (and what pining in general was about) and to heal me of it so that I could be fully present to CD.

    I felt better after praying, went out and had fun with CD. He told me that a close friend of his had OD’d that day (yesterday) and passed away, and that it was good to be there with me because he didn’t want to be alone.

    I also very clearly recognized some of the things that he was doing as some of the things that I did with The Man in terms of energy exchange. I gained a deep understanding last night about how giving and receiving energy looks and feels.

    So I guess what I’m saying is – I “think” pining is a distraction to keep us from experiencing what is. I know you know that if it’s meant to be with the one you are pining for, he will cross your path again.

    In the meantime, there are people who need our healing love and lessons for us to learn.

    Everything is unfolding as it should.

    Love to you! Siena



  71.  #71Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Daria, RE: #69 Vulnerability

    Daria, I agree. That is the best way to express vulnerability: feeling messages, physically communicating our feelings, and silence.

    The reason I used that as an example is because at that moment, I made myself TOO vulnerable, scary vulnerable. And, later, that moment came into play when he led me on for a fake proposal. As a toxic man, it was like he used all of my vulnerable feelings as WEAPONS against me.

    I feel incapable of fully expressing what I went thru last year with Ryan. It was devastating. Here’s an analogy of HOW vulnerable I made myself. It was as if emotionally speaking I was laying in bed naked with my legs spread and he stuck a gun between my legs and shot me. That’s how my heart felt.

    That’s vulnerable. Not always a healthy thing, sadly.



  72.  #72Brenda on May 28, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Siena, RE: #70 – It is sad what happened to your friend’s friend. But what you said was powerful to me, “I “think” pining is a distraction to keep us from experiencing what is. I know you know that if it’s meant to be with the one you are pining for, he will cross your path again.

    In the meantime, there are people who need our healing love and lessons for us to learn.”

    Thanks. I think pining is missing someone so bad you fall into depression. I have felt stuck in depression since last July. I have pulled out in bits and pieces, and now I am doing better. But I still struggle with pining every day.

    I have been doing just that, focusing on other people, while taking moments to nurture myself…and pray for Ryan. I trust You, God. Please help my unbelief.



  73.  #73lucy on May 28, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    “Everything is unfolding as it should.” Okay are you ready for this? long story short – he is dating a local girl and says he thinks she might end up being a gf. BUT he really wants me to visit for a weekend as a friend. AND she is bi and he says she might be open to sharing. he sent me pics – she is truly adorable. 31. he is 45. i have been feeling so nauseous, jealous, stunned. but there is part of me that STILL wants to be friends with him!!! i really do love him and



  74.  #74lucy on May 28, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    and for that reason am on some level happy for him that he found someone special. but intensely jealous too!!! never been in a situation anything like this before.



  75.  #75Daria on May 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Lucy – wow. um. no. i would not put myself through that. that would feel horrible to me.

    i hope you hear that he wants you to visit AS A FRIEND

    and then turn your attention to what you want – a wonderful relationship

    i feel glad this is finally panning out because i was feeling frustrated with the previous limbo situation

    im sorry it hurts but i also feel glad because i am looking forward to you moving through this to mega mucho wonderful stuff

    to me it seems that you are addicted to him, spritually, because he helped you so much in the past – just my grasp of this, not necessarily what you think or other people may

    it really parallels for me what i felt with guywhohadababy and so i feel triggered by it

    but i’ve left that place and am feeling a lot stronger

    i feel angry though right now

    at having felt addicted to someone else, my godson
    s mom , ie godsister

    ahhh

    addiction to people

    i feel guilty to have doen it to myself

    i feel afriad that without it i would have always been alone

    i don’t LIKE being so alone with the wind

    alone with the wind

    it feels tiring and draining

    i love my feelings

    ummffff

    i love my feelings

    i want a great wonderful relationship, great wonderful friends and lifelong support

    i feel my heart pounding and i love it

    a mutual friend was telling me, as he always starts talking random stuff to trigger me haha he said it feels weird to him that his best friend , guywhohadababy, and his other best friend, me that he isn’t cool with me anymore

    and he said

    i guess he fell in love or soemthign without expecting to and didn’t know what to do with it or about it (talking about with me is what i think)

    i was like WHOA reframe

    guywhohadababy fell in love with ME and dindt know how to handle it haha

    i liked that reframe

    im living in it now

    meanwhile

    step by step gotta take care of ME

    ME for ME

    that means

    tea in an hour

    skin brushing and shower

    gotta do these things for me!!

    ack

    i feel so angry! whatsup with all the anger!!!

    i love my anger!!

    i love my feeling overwhlemed and weird

    thank u



  76.  #76lucy on May 28, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    not sure if this is posting, am on my phone. i feel like i am in such a crazy hellish place emotionally. i am so jealous of her adorableness!!! he really likes her. i know you all are gonna say i am crazy if i don’t immediately forget about him. and maybe i am.



  77.  #77Simply Shannon on May 28, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Lucy, I feel stunned. I mean, wow. Need to digest that for a bit. 🙂



  78.  #78lucy on May 28, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    daria, thanks. he didn’t actually say as a friend – i just assumed that since he said she might become his gf.



  79.  #79lucy on May 28, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    i feel so weird and awful. i feel some kind of feeling i have never felt before and cannot identify. i actually feel good that he wants me to visit, even tho the circumstances are so bizarre and unpleasant (for me). why couldn’t he have picked me and not even wanted her at all? not fair. haha, maybe she’ll give him the no girlfriend speech. i doubt it. uh oh! what if she is on here reading this! i will be so embarrassed! if you are, pls don’t tell him what i wrote!!



  80.  #80dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    blah fuck that guy yuck i feel yucky and i want to shave his hair off in his sleep



  81.  #81dorothea on May 28, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    i mean this guy with lucy. yuck let’s pour our drinks over his head



  82.  #82Ankita on May 29, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Lucy

    I really feel angry at this guy.. He mentioned it clearly that she may become his gf and you a FRIEND… It feels to me that he may want someday a FWB… Though I may be wrong, but thats what I felt… Coz he wants to have you too by his side…

    I remember my ex’s case.. Huhhh… It feels yuck… It feels like bashing the guy… It feels like I wanna pour hot milk over the guy’s head and chop his…. Ssorry…..

    But I really feel angry at such cases…

    I feel like you should just say to him that you like him and anything less doesn’t feels good, NO FRIEND, and then shut him off from your life, totally…!!



  83.  #83aprilshowers on May 29, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Yay! Yes, Dorothea, I agree. Let’s pour drinks over his head! Hearing about him makes me feel awful. Reminds me of my ex who dropped by my place unannounced from another state with his new, much younger gf. He was still trying to be my “friend”, sleep with me, and make me jealous all at once! It felt weird, icky and CRAZY!

    I love the original post: “Never stop chasing her.”

    I guess the flip side for women would be, “Stop falling at his feet so he can chase you.” I literally had a man chase me 2 miles today, just to meet me. He rode his bike as I jogged, chatting me up all the way.

    He kept trying to get me to stop. My work-out was more important than conversation with a stranger, so I kept moving…so did he. I felt good that he worked so hard just to meet me.

    BTW – Ankita, Rori talks about the whole on-line thing in “Targeting Mr. Right”. Don’t quote me, but in your response I think she says, 1) pick 1 thing you have in common, 2) 1 nice thing you can say about his appearance, 3) end with, “I feel intrigued…”



  84.  #84Rori Raye on May 30, 2010 at 12:16 am

    aprilshowers, you got it – and BEGIN with the appearance thing…Love, Rori



  85.  #85Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Aprilshowers,

    Hey… Thanks….
    That’s gonna help me a lot…!!

    But I feel stuck over here… When I end with I feel intrigued, after that what should be concluded?

    Actually am new in feeling messages, so having a hard time (sometimes), using them in appropriate places…

    Can you help me out here? Please….



  86.  #86Daria on May 30, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Ankita –

    you END with

    I feel intrigued…



  87.  #87B B on June 20, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Hi,
    Is this the right page to ask a question?
    thanks!
    B



  88.  #88B B on June 20, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Hi,
    I met an actually nice guy- online-(about 11 days ago) and had some sexual tension conversation and met him- wow not a guy I would at all have dated-just a steady mature old heavy hairy guy- but we kissed and I got hooked-and now- well I’m really finding him to be a great dad, wonderful gentleman, has a great personality, steady, good earner, we have gone out about 5 times and he calls just about every day- yesterday we drove to our mutual college alumni weekend together and shared some great times – but he insists on having sex- I have told him no not til we have a committed monogomous relationship- (he said he thought after x amount of dates) but I said No, after we are in a committed monogomous relationship- and he said are you monogomous?- I said yes- (but didn’t ask if he was- and I laughed off the commetted comment) (we have gone to out to dinner and lunch a couple of times but I have been to his place or sat in the car we met and went to a park-)
    So I am going to cook his birthday dinner at his place on Tuesday- and today on the phone while making the plans- he says that I am so frustrating sexually for him that he doesn’t know how long he can take it and that is not a good thing-
    What do I say? what do I do?
    I have already gone to “3rd base”

    I can’t seem to come up with anyone else to date circularly- either-
    ox
    b



  89.  #89Rori Raye on June 20, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    BB – This is a bigger conversation. You have to talk with him about what you want – I’m going to jump off here and use this as a post – look for it in a few weeks…basically – this is about YOU and sex, and how you want to hook it to getting to know someone without USING it to get a commitment (won’t work anyway…)…Love, Rori



  90.  #90Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 1:20 am

    BB,

    If you aren’t ready for sex, don’t let him pressure you into it. He is apparently not in the habit of controlling himself. That’s his issue, not yours. I have found a lot of personal strength from learning to control my sexual urges.

    I love sex very much, but that doesn’t mean I have to pressure every man I’m with to have it. Just tell him your honest feelings at each moment….I feel pressured or I feel uncomfortable, whatever.

    I am reminded of a line from the movie, “Never Been Kissed”…who’s gonna buy the whole ice cream cart when you’re giving out popsicles for free?

    Make him work for it!

    Just so you know I’ve noticed most of the women write on the most current 2-3 threads on this blog…it’s a better way to get on their radar! 🙂



  91.  #91B B on June 22, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Hi
    So I have known my fun guy a week and 3 days- today is his birthday-so we are cooking and having the meal at his house-
    Q.
    If he doesn’t ask me out by xx?? (I have my high school reunion this Sat.) when do I say I have plans- for Sat.

    Still trying to do the circular dating- but really like this one…
    but trying to load up with some others- from the internet dating-sites and groups I’m in…
    thanks!
    B



  92.  #92Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 11:33 am

    BB,

    I’m not sure what you are asking…do you or don’t you want him to go with you to your high school reunion? If not, and he asks you to go out Saturday, you could say this:

    “Oh, it would feel so good to be with you Saturday night, but I’m booked! How about _______ night?”

    If you want him to go with you, how about:

    “Oh, I’m planning to go to my high school reunion Saturday night, and it would feel so good if I had a date to go with me!”

    So which scenario is it?



  93.  #93B B on June 23, 2010 at 6:43 am

    thanks! I got this today-
    actually- I wanted to see if he was GOING to ask me
    out- for Sat…
    but he wound up saying- let me think when I can see you again- how about Thursday for lunch- (then added I have tickets to the Reds game on Friday – over at like 10:30- my daughter is in town and having family get togethers on Sat.)
    so that answered that question!
    Oh and in the car- he said he would take buy the next 2-3 meals when we go out-

    so looks like we have a good start on relaxing about more dates!

    meanwhile- thanks for the reply and I am looking for something to do on Friday! with someone else or myself! to meet others- to circular date and I
    already have plans for Sat.!

    warmly
    b