Happy Holidays, And Love To You Forever

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treeheartHere’s my favorite Holiday post….and happy everything to you…

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, many more traditions both religious and secular – all together, all at once the mere thought of it fills me with feelings of dread.

Is it because I remember that winter in New York and how depressed that year was? Is it because there’s so much family at the holidays – and I feel not only obligated and exhausted, but adolescent again around so much of my history?

My family history is wonderful. I’m one of the very lucky ones. A not so dysfunctional home – perhaps not passion, but at least humor, affection and lots of support and attention for my brother and me.

Perhaps it just feels as if all the pain of the world comes into relief around the ever present pictures of joy at this time of year. I know it’s not about me at all.

It’s not personal. Do we all just notice, suddenly, all at the same time, that we’re all in this together? We go to church, go to synagogue, light candles, wrappresents, shop in the same stores, rush around in the dark after work. It feels so unreal. Like going through the motions without any real heart.

And then all at once it hits me. It’s transition time. Something has ended.

Something has started. Even more than at birthday time, I’m older. My daughter moves toward her own life. My husband feels time – there are days to Christmas and days to New Year’s. We’ve done this before. Over and over. The ritual of transition.

To those of you who are waiting on the edge of a new relationship showing up or hoping the one you’ve started will turn concrete or hoping the one you’ve been long committed to will take flight into bliss – believe it will.

Regardless of how unsettling the holidays can be for so many reasons unique to each of us – there’s magic in the air. Things can happen. We are all teetering at a transition, looking for meaning to drop into our lives. Allow it to tip in. It will.

Part of what is so challenging about the end of the year is that we all feel pressed to do so much.

Presents, parties, family, gather that man under your wing before the year ends, tension, anger, old resentments. Instead, try something different.

Instead of trying to swim through this, sink into it. Believe the wave of emotion and giddiness and pressure and pain and feeling like a child again will hold you up.

You will not be dropped on your head. You will float across the sea of possibilities into the next part of your life a bit more transparent.

A bit wiser, a bit more vulnerable, feeling fragile but relying on the steel within you to let the world see what a beautiful, delicate, intricate, complex and yet totally whole woman you are.

Even when I can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t trust it, I believe. Sometimes I’m propelled into action to help someone else – and then I feel more human and less fragile. I feel of use. But sometimes I just make myself lie down on the floor and look up at the ceiling.

Instead of a solid plaster barrier above my head – if I look really hard – I can see a window, a passage, a worm-hole, time-warp, incomprehensible path to what I can’t see.

And it’s not just my future, it’s my possibilities. I look up into something I can’t see and let myself sink into myself. I thank the floor for holding me up, and then I just fly into whatever there is out there. I believe it’s bliss.

I believe that my future and my daughter’s future, and my husband’s future, and the futures of all my dear friends and family and clients, and even the futures of people I can never feel close to or even good when I’m around them, are full of possibilities. Things I could never even imagine.

It’ll take the living of it, moment by moment, transition by transition, feeling by feeling, experience by experience, with the highest hopes I can muster, to discover what they are.

Wishing you bliss, joy, experience, love, faith, hope, adventure, and a glimpse of the beauty of your own soul in a random moment shared with all of us in the place we can’t see that’s full of possibilities…

Love, Rori

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371 Comments

  1.  #1Sassy on December 23, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    That’s it-endless possibilities, I’m looking forward to them!



  2.  #2Tereslyn on December 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Thank u Rori… I do believe, I really do.



  3.  #3Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Wow thanks for this post Rori … It speaks to my heart …



  4.  #4Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    So true … It is a time of transition…fun to imagine what may be …
    I intend to have my happily ever after…



  5.  #5Sassy on December 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Emerson-yes, it’s about your intentions…they will follow the Law of Attraction!



  6.  #6GlowStix on December 23, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Yes. I feel down and up and pushed and pulled left and right and I breathe and I think and ponder the future…Float through the past. Most of all I feel all aglow with love. I love the end of the year. I love new beginnings.



  7.  #7Miss Bells on December 23, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Believing won’t help me with HS. But right action (or inaction) might.



  8.  #8Vi on December 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I feel okay feeling tense when receiving or being noticed. It feels so relieving and inspiring and like Christmas magic too! Sometimes it felt so impossible not to be judgemental about this… YAY to me!



  9.  #9Daria on December 23, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    I love you Daria

    Thank you for eating oatmeal

    Thank you f



  10.  #10Daria on December 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Or taking a nap

    Thank you for honoring my sexual boundaries

    Wow I feel blown away by that

    Thank you for feeding spresso

    Thank you for cleaning cat poop

    Thank you for thinking about washing up

    Thank you for making it warm in the house



  11.  #11Daria on December 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    My cat snuggled up next to me to sleep n keep me warm

    Get right is textin me … I was hangin w him as a friend an leavin early n he seems to like it Callin me young thug n other names he usually calls himself n friends he likes. Aww. πŸ™‚



  12.  #12Vi on December 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Im just getting used to my own truth.. to even having it.. feels so dangerous.. okay lets call it ‘adventurous’ from now on.. maybe by the next Christmas I will be able to feel like the one with my truth.. and not feel guilty having it.. I am going to ask Santa about it. And those cool shoes too!



  13.  #13Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    The days are gettin longer now…, till after my bday



  14.  #14Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    I wonder how longer they get each time. Is it almost constant ? Or… Faster n faster ?

    I feel glad I’m not one of those people who feels sad at the holidays

    I almost started to freak myself out and I stopped

    I got a lil tree in the pot

    I don’t feel too good abt cutting a tree now.

    Trees are like lions n bears to me.



  15.  #15Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Dangerous to adventurous oh yeah that feels way more of a relief. Innocent not judging

    I feel scared

    You HAVE to judge dangerous. You HAVE to.

    This is not a game who r u playing

    Hello ?

    Wake that shit up.

    I’m healing. Thank you

    I love all my voices

    You could die!!!!

    Adventure means danger means falling off a cliff

    How could you want this?

    What is wrong w u?

    I love my need for adventure and instability and uncertainty and excitement



  16.  #16GlowStix on December 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    I feel giggly and sassy. πŸ™‚ Man says “OK, i’m gonna need a rum and coke poured, and pizza for dinner and and chocolate and i’m gonna need it all served to me in bed or whilst on the couch…” Me: “It would feel good if I don’t respond to that at all, and go make myself a coffee and a smoke.” Man: “aww c’mon baby, it’s just a little servitude!” Me: “Hearing that actually pisses me off a little…” Man: “Oh…baby, I was only teasing you, you know…” (I knew πŸ˜‰ ) Me: “Oh, baby…Just remember my responsed are exactly equally as serious as your requests…” *Insert wink, and saunter out of room*

    Yes. I pretty much rock.



  17.  #17Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    Thanks Vi

    You are so feminine you remind me of my mom in that

    I lobe how my mom is so attractive I know it HAS to be rubbing off on me without me even noticing…

    Yay I get all the good stuff πŸ™‚



  18.  #18Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Oh wow cuz your name starts w the same two letters, helps me think of her…

    Go triggering blog healing making everyone look like someone from the past and healing it



  19.  #19BeLoved on December 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Emerson, I’ve been thinking about “happily ever after” a lot lately πŸ™‚

    I noticed that, after months and months of thinking about C at nights and on weekends,
    my mind has been so quiet
    so peaceful
    I’ve been busy, baking and setting up fermented foods and cleaning my kitchen and yoga and updating my blog and
    peace
    quiet in my mind.

    Now I have a hot bubble bath waiting…I totally scored at the dollar store today! Organic nummy bubble bath, giant jars for my beets and cabbage, a fine mesh strainer I’ve been wanting for a YEAR I picked up for a dollar, bags to keep veggies fresh, incense that i love, a serving dish, spice jars that cost $5 each at Ikea I got a set of 4 for $1.15…

    My son called to let me know they are having dinner TOMORROW so Christmas day is wide open, I wonder what adventure is calling me?

    Mmmmm…happily ever after.

    Indigo Girls lyrics running through my mind:

    “I’m free in you
    got no worries on my mind, I know what to do
    that’s to treat you right and love you kind
    keep you ever on my mind
    Loving’s just like breathing when it’s true
    cuz I’m free
    in
    you…”

    Love that feels easy, it feels like grace, it feels natural, it feels right
    it feels like home
    it feels like soul
    it feels sure
    it feels real
    it feels true
    it feels uplifting
    it feels like silly jokes laughing under the covers and
    a strong support
    it feels like yes
    it feels like forever.

    and so it is.



  20.  #20Frannie on December 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    OMG! I feel so pissed! I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months. He knew I was going away with my family this week. He was a total dick the other morning when I was leaving. We’ve texted a few times since I’ve been gone, and tonight in one of my responses I said it would feel nice to hear his voice. Of course he called while I was in the bathroom, and now when I try to call back it goes directly to his voicemail! WTF!?!?!! He called me less then 5 minutes ago!!!

    I feel so frustrated and so pissed right now!



  21.  #21Miss Bells on December 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    20:
    Breathe into it and through it. Then focus on the present moment and present company. That is what I would do if it were me…



  22.  #22Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    I had him ( ? Is that a cover up for vulnerability phrasing ). Eat my pusdy till I came

    It took Fprever

    Omg

    I didn’t give him head or anything

    He was pist

    He wanted to break up e me

    Then we figured put that getting his dick sucked was a need for him in sex (w me) the way it is for me… So I get that

    And I can be inclined to fulfill that next time or know what I’m dealing wit

    How interesting how he’d able to communicate his needs and I just solved it for him. And it didn’t feel like solving it felt like… I can do that πŸ™‚

    And I could say ‘I hear you. And… I don’t know wat to say… I want a guy to want to be w me, I don’t want you to not want to be w me… ( eye contact)

    He’s like I don’t not wana be w u I wana be w u but I need this and that etc

    That was very cool.

    I could handle that.

    And did I drop down then and give him a blowjob?

    No.

    And I was able to choose n we communicated and it felt powerful to me to do me.

    And see where he’s at and

    I dono it felt kinda whoa to me.

    Cuz I felt terrified to have new sexual boundaries w a guy I was already involved w he expects something oh now I feel in charge.

    I don’t wana feel in charge and I Do wana feel in charge..,

    Of me…

    My sexual boundaries

    Ah

    I enforced them… First time ever?

    No and still one of the excellentest.

    I wana keep this up.

    I don’t even have to see him now.

    I know he’s down to do whatever abd be up all note long learning….

    I feel resentful that I should be thanked for tolerating him not knowing already.

    Ugh.

    I feel pist.

    THAT was unequal. He Liked wat I brought to the table.

    And I said I’m not sharing that of me… Until I like what the other person brings to the table.

    It’s not na fault I’m not getting turned on.

    It’s not your fault either, I mean I feel pist now thinking he thinks j have a defect

    Ooooh

    I want a guy who Knows how to turn me on…

    There’s so many of them out there…

    I want one!

    Who’s good at reading my body



  23.  #23Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    I want that in men to begin a sexual relationship

    Be good at massage

    Even if they get mad cuz their efforts don’t get rewarded ( like last nite )

    This is about results. It has to actually feel good to me.

    I feel guilty abd I love me.

    Thank you for taking care of me this way Daria.



  24.  #24Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Frannie – that’s your stuff coming up. His phone could just be off. That’s a textbook thing w women , see of you can use your thoughts to change what might be triggering you to a diff perspective.



  25.  #25Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    From the outside it looks like your either caught up in the drama… Bit it also looks *psycho* … bec his phone cd just be off. But when I put myself in your shoes I can see myself in the same mind state and frustrated emotions.

    Thanks for sharing wow it looks diff from outside, thinking well one could just be peaceful right now, but instead she’s all worked up.

    And in the moment, it all just feels so triggering…



  26.  #26Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Even though we’ve had sec for 30 sec all three times, and he doesn’t know how to give me head well yet..,

    He still stands up for his sexual needs and is ready to leave.

    Wow that is worthiness right there.

    Cool message… If he can do it do can I… No matter how my contribution is judged. I can have high standards for how I’m treated

    Wowie I feel a little blown



  27.  #27GlowStix on December 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I like when the man sings to me. I feel all tra lala lala and bubbling giggles. He bangs on the window, points at my coffee, points at him and I say “You said you didn’t want one.” He frowns. I go in, I ask him “Did you really want a coffee?” he laughs “No…Joking. But I will take a rum n coke still…” Leaves to do his laundry. I don’t pour him a drink. He comes back “No drink?? omg I gotta do everything!” I laugh hard “awww like a big boy….” He pours his own drink and sings me a song.



  28.  #28Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    He is not my tyyype when will another lover show up ?????

    He just likes cuddling…

    He’s not good at massage oral sex or sex yet

    Pffff

    Those are the things I like.

    He dresses well and walks well and looks nice.

    He’s kind and soft spoken.

    He’s touchy freely…

    Mmm

    He speaks romantically

    πŸ™‚



  29.  #29Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    He doesn’t even like massaging… I don’t think… And def hasn’t sucked on yet… My feet..!

    How do I keep getting lovers that ate such bad fits for me?

    It’s time to be more firm about pleasure requirements.

    Just like about driving to me requirements.

    Pffff.

    I feel angry.

    I love my anger.

    Yay for the little pleasure today.

    It certainly felt good.



  30.  #30Daria on December 23, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    It’s been years since I had a new lover that was good

    πŸ™



  31.  #31LoveAlways on December 23, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Rori, that was so beautiful! thank you



  32.  #32Daria on December 23, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    I made him mad and I still stood my ground.

    And *I* didn’t say any ‘I wana break up w u’ shit

    Which felt better…

    Note to myself it feels better not to… Say I don’t think we’re gona work out …

    I want to practice not pushing away that way



  33.  #33Daria on December 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    I feel ‘invested’ cuz of the sex.

    I don’t want to just ‘drop him’

    So maybe I don’t have to

    Rori Raye 3rd way



  34.  #34Daria on December 23, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    I don’t like men who complain about their ‘giving” role.

    I feel rageful !

    Whoa ?



  35.  #35Vi on December 23, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Aww Daria I feel teary..



  36.  #36Daria on December 23, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    I want to remember what he said.

    It’s so odd cuz I could all of a sudden HEAR him…

    And see things his way without even feeling I’m compromising my way

    It felt very interesting and Real



  37.  #37Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    I posted some questions on the last thread and I can’t cut and paste on my phone :-(((



  38.  #38GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Daria, you have been partly instrumental in inspiring me to begin getting into FasterEFT to work on the debilitating Multiple Chemical Sensitivities and the many traumas that brought them on for me. I’ve done other kinds of work, and it’s past time for me to do more.

    After getting better together, spending some good romantic and professional alone time and other kind of togetherness w NSM, he did something really crappy yesterday. It felt terrible. We were standing outside in the cold for 1-2 hours having a meeting w several people out on some land we want to turn into a large garden/farm. I was feeling freezing cold after awhile of being out there and couldn’t get warm, but he seemed fine the whole time (he usually hates cold). Toward the end, I went ahead and got in his car to get warm, knowing he’d be along shortly as the meeting was wrapping up.

    I was finally starting to warm up a bit in there, still shivering and cold all over. Someone else had already started the car to warm it up but was no longer inside it, only me. NSM came over, opened the driver’s door, then left it wide open as he walked somewhere else to finish something (he hates it when I do that to him if he’s cold). So I sat there w biodeisel exhaust coming in a bit but didn’t close his door bc didn’t wanna start a petty control fight w him, which sometimes can happen. Figured I’d just let the fumes go out the window as usual and no talk or conflict need occur.

    He came back and got in the car, closed his door, trapping the fumes inside, which inevitably cause me difficult symptoms in various systems of my body, pain in the back of my head for a day or two (yuk!), diahreah, muscle pain, eye pain, brain fog etc (the usual symptoms of MCS). I opened my window as I almost always do (which sometimes triggers him and causes a long lecture or calling me on the carpet). The other guy was in the car by that time too. So we drove off, and I had my window down halfway which usually gets the fumes out in about 10-30 seconds. Somehow we weren’t catching wind so they were staying in there for an extra 30 seconds or so (a time bomb for him). NSM started bitching about it. I said “we talk about this all the time, you know I need to do it and it only takes a moment!” (FMs at times like that really piss him off plus I was not at all in form for Sirenness in that moment, being triggered by several other things including being cold — my mistake!).

    Quickly as he lectured, and before the fumes went out, he actually rolled my window up from the button on his side! This is major not-done stuff in our group, it’s a philosophy and practice here, yet he did that, effectively trapping me in there choking on the fumes and lecturing me. D@%# it! I rolled my window back down and said “We can talk about this later etc!” Then rolled it back up in mere few seconds when the fumes went out.

    it did not get that cold in the car, and certainly was not anywhere near as cold in there as it was standing outside for over an hour.

    He said and always says at those times that he was too cold to have the window down. Hogwash. He was standing happily out in the cold semi-windy air for all that time for the meeting. Then suddenly he was too cold to stand a few more seconds of it so someone else could not have to spend the evening with head pain and more? (he gets headaches too a lot so you’d think he’d be understanding).

    I feel so angry

    and helpless (i have no car of my own)

    I see him as asshole and wuss, not manly, very unappealing and untrustworthy, and not deserving of my time and attention, loyalty or dedication to our work right now

    This feels terribly bad

    I wanna punch his nose and give the MCS to him (although truthfully I wouldn’t wish it on anyone)

    I have work to do

    (I type this to give me some account ability since I know I posted it here)

    Thanks



  39.  #39GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Emerson, I am happy to go cut and paste your Qs from the other thread if you describe to me what you want? (I just posted something else but it went in to moderation lol)



  40.  #40GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    #34 Daria I hate this too. It feels dis-balanced for me to hear. Whoa yeah.



  41.  #41Joanne on December 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    The one thing that doesn’t seem to have been addressed is ones thoughts. I think it’s very important to guard what you think because you think for you.

    The Universe, wherein lives our creative mind (subconscious), will give you what you think! It does not recognize the negative; “I don’t want” is expressed in the Universe as “I want.” Thus, I don’t think it’s not a good idea to make a list of negatives, if in reality it’s important not to think in negatives. For example: I don’t want to feel sad should, perhaps, be expressed as I want to be deliriously happy.



  42.  #42GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    (my previous comment on this is in moderation)

    I am so angry w NSM. So pained and sad and hurt. I feel betrayed. i work so hard to stay well and healthy, and have been so ill for my whole life. I feel like what he did, though it *seems* small, it is not… with what I battle, it was a thoughtless brutal act that I would NEVER do to someone… would never wanna cause anyone that kind of pain, esp him!

    He says he intends to teach me some lessons. To better me. This is abusive. I wish he could fee what I feel.

    F him

    Why is he like that?! What is his problem?

    How should I view this and what should I do?

    Argh

    I want to get healed of MCS

    and then I want to kick his ass



  43.  #43GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Biodiesel fumes are so bad, even though the fuel is better for the environment it’s debatable if it’s really good bc the fumes are so toxic and heavy.

    Sirens, don’t laugh when you read my comment that’s in moderation of what he did. For me this is serious. He is on my sh*tlist now. I don’t know how to lean back about this, unless I could just leave here. I hope my venting here helps shift the energy so when I talk to him tomorrow maybe the dumba$$ will have the humanity to apologize and see he is wrong, and stop doing stuff like this.

    This is GingerSky mad. Just plain old mad girl, no wisdom, just hurt.

    I believe I’m making a date with Byron Katie tonight. Yes, that’s perfect.



  44.  #44Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Thanks beloved
    Thanks gingersky



  45.  #45Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    It’s ok gingersky thanks though I feel heard



  46.  #46GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I just want some basic consideration and caring from him.

    Going now to write my Judgment Sheet for the Byron Katie work. Posting here helped me a lot to be able to get to that. Sigh… I feel things shifting, some warmth and power returning already.

    (All the better to kick his a$$ with, grrrrr!)



  47.  #47GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Daria, the thread you are working thru and posting here is helping me tons, thanks.

    Emerson, glad you feel heard |smile|. I can’t cut/paste from my phone either. hugs.



  48.  #48Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I noticed something about my self I wonder what it means? I tend to be very black and white in the sense that I will go from having a situation work for me to all of a sudden wake up one day and say to myself “I’m done”… And it’s like I am COMPlETELY done with that situation like nooo turning back at all… Nobody could convince me to change my mind….it’s happened to me with friends, living situations, jobs, relationships,,,,
    I’m. Just. Done.
    Usually they’ve been correct decisions and indeed was time to move on..
    Like a switch goes off. Almost like I have no control over it. Well over the feeling anyway… Maybe it’s just my gut feeling that I’m really I’m touch with…
    Your thoughts sirens or has anyone else experienced this?



  49.  #49Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Daria I posted a question for u on previous thread



  50.  #50GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Glowstix “my responses are pretty much as serious as your requests” O yeah, that Rocks! (I was in that mode lat week or so… been derailed by something, starting Wed night when my woman friend was being so negative/angry/spewing at dinner… it felt contagious for me. I have work to do. Thanks for the reminder, you sassy girl, lol!

    Rori, this post is awesome. I will read it again and again. Feel so good and warming inside, melts my heart! (which could totally use some melting right now!) Many thanks and hugs to you, lovely woman. You give us so much.



  51.  #51Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Gingersky sorry you are mad, I feel curious what happened ..

    Sirens can you help me with some scripts telling a man I don’t want to travel to see him?! BlueCD keeps “inviting” me to his house …



  52.  #52GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Emerson, I have this switch too, yes.



  53.  #53Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    I have never met him yet… I told him I don’t feel comfortable meeting at his house …



  54.  #54Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Wow thanks gingersky how have you felt about the switch… When it goes off sometimes I feel alarmed because I don’t have a plan b… Like right now I’m experiencing this…

    Also omg I just got majorly triggered by my mom… She really does not care about my achievements org success… It’s so weird. It really hurts me yuck ….



  55.  #55GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Emerson, those scripts are around… did you try key searcing it? (Rori dates travel driving” or some such… may turn it up online)

    What happened is I have multiple chemical sensitivities with debilitating symptoms, and like most MCS sufferers I hafta navigate alla time to avoid exposure to toxic or irritating smells – or I pay a HEAVY price. NSM acted like a sh*thead yesterday and intentionally trapped me in his car with diesel fumes when I tried to roll down the window. I got sick some. As usual. He’s acting like a freak. I just need to vent here to help me work thru it, thanks for askin… that feels nice. Feel heard. (Better than feeling hurt.) Bleh.

    How could so much wonderfulness and terribleness be mixed up in the same dumba$$ yet amazing man? This makes no sense to my brain lol. (it’s a rhetorical Q but feel free to chime in anyone, I’m just venting for my healing and it’s helping a lot)



  56.  #56GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    He even did this IN FRONT of someone. A new guy! Weird.

    Where’s that foam baseball bat when I need it? i just wanna pound something.



  57.  #57Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Yikes gingersky that’s mean spirited that he would do that. Eek I’m so sorry I feel scared for you reading that. Are you ok?
    My toxicEx would do stuff like that. He would Lock his daughter and i out of the car when it’s freezing cold outside and be inside the car laughing. It was very odd and disturbing and I was so mad, so was the daughter.

    He was one of those where I woke up one day and the “switch” went off. I was done.

    Ginger I hope you are ok and I hope he is not abusing you. He may need psych help and I mean that seriously.



  58.  #58Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Thanks for suggesting the scripts I don’t know how to search for them… Especially not on my phone ughh



  59.  #59GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Emerson, I wouldn’t go to his house either. I never do that unless some people I know and trust know and approve the guy, which can happen around my town. I can’t recall those scripts well right now, and don’t wanna share my less-ideal version of them. However, I would say to speak your message with cheery confident calm soft self-assured demeanor and tone. Like, do not let it matter to you what he decides or how he takes it!! This is crucial. He doesn’t matter. Only you speaking your message well for practice, your taking good care of you, being faithful to yourself, filling yourself up with goodness, and being able to depend on you to speak your message and let the chips fall and who cares, that’s all that matters. If he’s supposed to come to you, then he will. If he chooses not, then, bye, and “next” πŸ™‚

    No matter what.

    As for my switch, it has been invaluable to me, but I’ve learned to endeavor to notice when I’m not wanting to be in a situation earlier on so my switch doesn’t have to go off and hurt someone else. I have loved my switch, depended on it, bragged about it and been grateful for it… but now I want it to become more like a dial so I feel it getting into the “red zone” sooner and I can cut off a situation before I get so far into it. I used to have to get far in before my switch would go off bc of that thing I believe you and me have talked on before, which is that (imo pathological) feeling that I have to always go forward, push forth, try something no matter what bc maybe it;ll turn out good, can’t stop at the beginning or in the middle and *turn back*…

    …it’s like the anxiety about not knowing what to do or being afraid of being wussy, or afraid of not trying etc is a compulsion. I believe for me it’s gotten me into situations I could have stayed out of if I let my switch be more like a dial and listen to it way before it hits it’s the breaking point.



  60.  #60Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    Wow thanks gingersky it feels reassuring to read your words…
    Hmm I like your idea of the dial versus the switch… maybe it’s impossible to avoid hurting someone no matter what but yes it does make sense///

    On another note, I feel angry at my family right now … My dad is on a binge of sarcasm and “teasing” me and my mom is not supportive of my goals and really is just fine if I end up with roommate and a low paying job for the rest of my life…
    I’m so disappointed …



  61.  #61Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    My siblings are all successful by way of their spouses… They married money and are well off. I’m the one who always can’t afford to travel or whatever. So sick of it.



  62.  #62Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    I find myself feelin angry at blueCD for suggesting to go to his house even after I said no… I feel unheard. I don’t want to be angry !!!!!



  63.  #63GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Yeah, Emerson, thanks… i am def okay, just angry, frustrated and disappointed, as all this ties in with this work we’re doing here, so it’s more of a problem than just on the personal level (or my switch would totally take care of me as it always has ha ha!). Lol. I get all that and can relate various stories to it… very helpful to hear. I remember your toxic ex and it’s good for me to think on that.

    NSM’s usually very kind. He sometimes complains some about giving to women, like Daria mentioned earlier here. I’m pretty sure his Mom took some kind of advantage of him a lot or something.

    Like, whatever, right?

    He is *convinced* that the MCS is “all in my head” and believes he is helping teach me better, omg. Even though he has had his own version and has had CFS for many years too. He had counseling a lot.

    MCS sufferers are routinely treated like “throw aways” by others… first you lose your life routines in huge ways, can’t go out much, have a family, find a safe home to live in, go to school, can’t work and earn income anymore, it’s hard to get benefits, etc… then no one wants to deal with you anymore bc it’s too annoying for *them*. There’s serious discrimination toward it and suicides are common among the MCS population. (Which I understand and relate to, but am in no way in that mindset for myself fyi |smile|) I’m not feeling sorry for myself here, just deeply want to raise awareness. People don’t realize or take it seriously. Someday they will.

    If someone complains about our perfume, cigarette smoke, cleaners we use in our home, or other fumes, it’s very very serious and they are not likely trying to be annoying!

    Thanks for your words. They feel very good to read. Hmmm.



  64.  #64Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    I’m so sensitive and in edge because my dad makes fun of me when I express my needs and boundaries… For days he will carry in about the same thing with little comments… Oh I hate this.



  65.  #65Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    61 wow gingersky thank you for sharing and I feel compassion for your condition.



  66.  #66Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    61 by the way I believe it’s certainly NOT in you head!



  67.  #67R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Greetings Sirens…Happy Holidays, I hope you all are doing great and ready for a new year!! I know I am, I always say it may not be the best year to come but it will be better than the last! I can relate to you ladies having that switch that your done. I mean there comes a point in your life at these moments where mentally you are done. You are over second guessing and stressing over the unknown. I turn to this like OMG!…why this or why that….I relax and take a deep breath which I normally dont do and realize it really will be ok. There will be a time for me where it is my turn. Why cant I be happy in love with someone on the holidays? Snuggle and laugh by the fire with family sharing your precious times. Seems sad and don’t think it doesnt bother me, it does….I believe I just stay too busy with my work and kids I am able to move through emotions without them hurting too bad. Maybe not a good thing but it is how I am coping with things. You know what is crazy for me and scary is I tell this blog more than I tell anyone in my life. I open up here more than I open up anywhere. Is this ok? It makes me feel kind of sad like why cant I just pick up the phone and talk to my best friend or call my sister who I know will listen..well most of time. My closer friends are here for me when I need them but I just cannot reach out. I don’t feel anyone can help me or relate or understand different things I go through so I just stay quiet. I didnt used to be like that, what changed? I like that I have toned down my blabbering too much to others about my business so I take less to heart and keep my personal stuff away from negative judgement or just judgement. I love my mixed feelings, I love my learning,….I appreciate you all very much….



  68.  #68GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Emerson, just repeat your wants via FMs? Or go silent (which is what I’d do at this point.)

    He can do anything he wants, including being annoying or inconsiderate if he chooses. I don’t know him but I would judge this as a sign he likely wants convenient sex and go silent on him if I already said once that I don’t wanna go to his house. Contact ended. CD disqualified at the starting gate. “Next!”

    Maybe this is happening so you can gain practice at using the message your switch gives you much earlier on? That’s what it’d be for me for sure. No reason to get angry. He’s not here, not coming to me, so he’s not real. And again, I’d go silent and no longer answer his communications. After about 5 or more communications or a few weeks (whichever comes second), if he even pursues for that long, I’d reply simply, with nothing added, no banter, no convo, no flirting, no explaining, no answering his Qs or responding to any sweet talk, “It feels bad to me to drive to you and also I don’t wish to go to your house for a date. I feel sure I communicated this to you. It also feels bad to have to repeat myself. Thanks for listening. I feel we are not a match and I don’t feel a connection with you at this time. I wish you well in your search.”

    This is simply the truth, it *isn’t* a match. Maybe your good old faithful switch is telling you clearly to not allow this man in. Early on. Useful info.

    Move on.

    (cleaning him out makes way for better ones to come! Like detoxing your dating life.)

    Other Sirens can likely do better than I did with this FM scripting, but that’s what I’d honestly say. It’s the best I know at this point, depending on the vibe I have with him and how our convos have been previously.

    After this I’d give him a month or two (or three) to work with that, with ZERO contact. No matter what. Then if he contacts later and says he hears you, wants to respect your wishes and wants to try again, then maybe he will have gotten the clear message that you are not to be trifled with, and he’d better listen to what you say and show respect. All without you ever having to say any of those things… bc you are not “playing” hard to get, you just *are* hard to get. You’ve got a life, you know what you want, are confident enough to lean back and wait for a man who’s a match for what you want, and not waste time with one who isn’t.

    How does this feel? What do you think? |hugs|



  69.  #69GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Emerson, many thanks for your compassion, that feels very healing to me inside… feels like a cup of warm chai tea in my middle, lol |smile|

    Wow, I see bc of your Dad why you’ve had to struggle so much with this as you’ve often described! I feel compassion for your condition too! And have had some of that from my parents in times past, but not so much now, so I get it. It’s like a form of nitpicking and criticism, verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes even “good” people have these habits.

    Your Dad has issues. Poor Dad.

    Stick to your guns.



  70.  #70Daria on December 23, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Thank you Daria for taking such an interest in and taking care of my sexuality



  71.  #71R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Tonight the kids and popop and I all had Chinese food for dinner..my treat! It was nice and then we wrapped presents together and at one point even during I just kind of soaked it in. I mean I felt blessed at the moment to have happy and healthy children.Laughing with them is priceless! They are all amazingme!! They have a piece of me, and I am proud!! Sorry spamming tonight I am usually working so having some sleepy moments but really tough to get into regular sleep patterns.



  72.  #72R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I am just feeling humbled right now….Nothing else matters…the shopping, presents, stressing about small things that are not in your control. What a relief when you can see these things.



  73.  #73Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    (((Rn amazing)))
    65 yes I can relate … I don’t tell friends all my thoughts and feelings like I used to…I feel tired and I don’t want to burden them… Also I don’t want them to feel sorry for me which happens like “poor single Emerson. Ya know she’s really been having a hard time on her own… She has bad taste in men… Remember toxicEx ?”

    well that’s what I imagine anyway … It’s all in my head.

    Happy to hear about your kids RNamazing!



  74.  #74GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Emerson, for me it would help to just breathe deep… and start doing something like that EFT stuff Daria talks about to start lowering my triggers on this. You can find it online, ask her where to start perhaps?

    You’ve got a trigger on speaking your wants bc your brain associates doing that with getting nitpicked/criticized/denigrated by your Dad? So brain puts up a block (to keep you “safe”) and you get a triggered reaction of anxiety, confusion, etc, which is well-carved into your system bc this is how dad’s words have made you feel all your life? To get thru that anxiety and build new neural pathways in the brain is key. Breathe. Practice the new behavior and do things to redirect your attention to some simple pleasurable experience in those moments… for a start?

    No one should be able to make you feel bad or do anything that doesn’t feel appealing for you… and just like the MCS is soft-wired into my brain bc of trauma and sickness from the past and so gives me actual physical illnesses and anxiety (people actually die from MCS even though media reports this is not so), your trigger/blockage is soft-wired in from repeated experience, and gives you very real physical/emotional sensations too. This can change. EFT (Tapping) is one good way for some people. I like FasterEFT… there are other ways too.

    I feel so happy that you don’t want to go to this man’s house. You are a mermaid. Mermaids sit on rocks enjoying themselves, combing their beautiful hair and waiting for beautiful men to come climb the rock to get to be near them. If we do otherwise, we wind up being tricked by our own lack of self-care and confidence into jumping into the guy’s boat… and then we wind up dumped in the water, undignified and hurt. Take good care of you. I feel the same message coming from you too, and it feels good, very good.



  75.  #75Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    thanks gingersky for your words in 66&67 πŸ™‚



  76.  #76R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    I love that no matter my family flaws I am blessed to have them.



  77.  #77Daria on December 23, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Emerson –

    man text “come over”

    me: “i feel better talking on the phone than in text”

    (difficult) man: “can you come tho?”

    me: (no answer)

    man – calls : whatsup beautiful

    me – leans back, strokes thigh… ‘im feeling good thank you πŸ™‚ ‘

    him – so you wanna come over ?

    me – mmm well actualy im feeling a lil weird…

    him – why whatsup

    me – i feel kinda prissy about romance… i really feel better going out on dates, getting picked up, going out…

    difficult him – well i just want to do something at my spot, just wanted to see you

    me – yeah it would feel great to see you, i feel better being asked out more formally

    him – oh ok well call me when you’re free sometime

    me – ohhh… that wouldnt feel good to me…

    him – why?

    me – mm i m not really feeling got here… i feel good being asked out , getting a call, planning a bit ahead, getting picked up… what do you think?

    him – yeah just call me when youre free

    me – that doesnt feel good. im feeling embarassed here, i really feel better to have a guy call me, im not really feeling pursued or special… im feeling upset…

    him – well why are you upset honey?

    me – ufff well i feel good being asked out ahead of time. i like a guy who calls me to ask me out. i really like you, and i want stuff to work out with us and im feeling unsure if we’re a good match…

    him – i wanna be a match, i can do anything you want

    me – really? wow that feels good

    him – yup

    me – okay

    him – so are you gonna call me ?

    me – well im sill feeling confused… i feel better when the guy calls me and you know , asks me out. like… hey are you free thrusday at 8 > im gonna pikc you up type stuff

    him – oh really i can do that?

    me – wow that would feel awesome πŸ™‚



  78.  #78Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    72 yes gingersky so true…
    I feel sad and hollow that maybe blueCD just wants easy sex from me… Why am I attracting this?

    Thanks for he reminder that the outcome doesn’t matter… I stick to what I need…

    He has not contacted me today so whatever …



  79.  #79Daria on December 23, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    whew thats a lot to script for me… i still feel triggered and it makes it feel a lil tense

    babysteps!

    it feels like im annoyed communicating it

    ideally i just communiacte it easily and breezily and over and over again broken record, and eh eventually gets it,

    and i can communicate it without annoyance

    babysteps

    getting comfortable with it



  80.  #80GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    RNAmazing, this sounds wonderful, so happy to hear and envision this happening for you!

    (Sometimes I suspect that good Chinese food can sure a multitude of stresses, lol!)

    One of my visualizations I do with my clients who aren’t sleeping well is: imagine you are under the ocean… you can breathe easily and it is warm… you are a frond of seaweed, rooted gently to the sandy bottom, floating back and forth, back and forth.. with the current. Imagine the beautiful soft colors… and so on.

    Your cares come out of you like bubbles… each one has a scene in it of a stress. They waft gently out into the distance, getting smaller and smaller, till they’re just a speck.



  81.  #81Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    75 thank you Daria πŸ™‚ lolll
    It’s funny he said and did a lot if similar things as your example!



  82.  #82GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    i meant cure, not sure



  83.  #83Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Wow that script is going to help me a lot… I responded pretty well and in a similar way but I got stuck and just ended up not replying at all…



  84.  #84R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Emerson exactly and lets face it everyon has thier own stuff going on I would hate that feeling or hate hearing that I was too negative to be around…ewwww..



  85.  #85Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Gingersky I like your visualization!



  86.  #86Daria on December 23, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Emerson – i’ve experienced it. it is a shutting down for me, it doesnt feel good to do it

    i notice my mom does it to me its a stonewalling, and i can take it to extremes w people i dont have to interact with, just cut them off

    yes it is in my favor, its *too much* tho and id feel better to keep my heart open and not employ such a strong push away tool/coping mechanism



  87.  #87Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    82 RN I know …



  88.  #88Daria on December 23, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    yes i often feel too *annoyed* and dont answer … babysteps to feeling at peace w communicating boundaries without anger / blame



  89.  #89GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    Emerson, I wouldn’t attach to the thought that you’re “attracting” it… there’s just a lot of it out there (and a lot of women giving men reason to go for it). Let it go like the bullfighter let’s the bull pass thru her cape, put pink light of love out there to him and it and let him go into the distance. New and better man will come every time we do this… and whatever is bringing this to you will waft away… I wouldn’t give it any energy by thinking on it too hard… maybe just hold it lightly in your mind like something that’s no big deal and you know is already changing to what you like better.

    I would also just say to myself, dang I’m awesome. That man wants to have sex with me probably, lol! Well, he can’t, but it’s a sure sign I’m gorgeous and wonderful, and will be with a great guy with faithfulness and commitment soon! Comfortably, in good time. Thank you CDBlue for reminding me what an awesome woman I am! Thanks for the compliments!



  90.  #90R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Wow learn a lot here as usual Thank YOu!! GingerSky….I actually am a Florida girl and love the beach I always say it is my serenity….when I feel lost I find myself at the beach.



  91.  #91R.N.AmazingMe on December 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    My coping needs work..I am an all or nothing person. Very one extreme to the next but I recognize it and that is a different feeling. So trying to learn how to find a happy middleground its hard for me.



  92.  #92GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    I appreciate you too, RNAmazingMe. Since over a year or two ago |smile| It feels really good to read you are feeling peace… breathing is deeply good. I don’t find talking to this blog to be weird at all, it rocks, though I know what you mean. Strangely I don’t experience any lack of reality and validity in it just bc it’s online etc (though I normally might discount online stuff… only time I ever felt briefly that this blog was less than “real” or whatever was when I was super triggered about something and giving in to NVs lol) This ain’t no ordinary blog I guess πŸ™‚ I hope you feel heard and it feels good for you. It’s huge imo to get to the peace and non-judgment with your family, wow. Really awesome.

    You are welcome, precious Emerson.



  93.  #93GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    My seaweed visualization has worked well for every person I’ve done it with… I talk them thru it, and key off their vibe and their soul as we do it. Lol it’s working n me now.



  94.  #94Indigo on December 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    Miss Bells (from previous thread)

    It felt to me that our experiences felt similar, which is why I felt compelled to reach out to you. I do feel tired and overwhelmed by some things about it sometimes, but my good days and the good experiences are getting more and more, and the bad feelings are getting less and less.

    I agree with you re: closure. I know why Rori says it is a myth.

    I hope you find that good feeling place which is free from disappointment, and it sounds like you are well on your way.

    xx



  95.  #95Indigo on December 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    k2012 (from previous thread)

    We love each other and want to be together. He is skeptical about our chances to make it work. We both have our reservations.

    You are right about closure. If you want that, you have to make it for yourself, but I believe a far more beautiful thing to do is to love the lack of closure, and keep moving on with your life anyway.

    xx



  96.  #96Indigo on December 23, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Only last night my ex said this (I am going to call him D). He said it would be great if we could be together, but he doesn’t see it because we hold each other to a standard which the other cannot meet.

    I said I was in the process of letting go of my expectations, and that there was no pressure on him. I said we would live our lives and make our own choices and see. But I said, my wish is that you keep your heart open to me. And he said, sure thing.



  97.  #97Indigo on December 23, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    I felt happy when I woke up this morning. Blissfully so, actually. My good days are far outweighing my bad days.

    But triggers will come today. I feel triggered by that girl I was talking to D about yesterday. Even though he has seen her only once in 8 months, and there is nothing going on, I feel very triggered. I don’t know what the message is here.

    And I feel triggered by my family.

    ((((Emerson))))

    I feel so connected to you with this.

    My mom called me self-absorbed this morning and it triggered me very badly on a day I felt very strongly was going to be good.



  98.  #98Indigo on December 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    ((((Gingersky)))))

    I can so relate to the feeling of not being able to wrap your brain around a man who is so kind and good, suddenly doing something which feels extremely unsafe and mean.

    I am sorry for what you endure with people not understanding your condition and thinking it is all in your head. May you find many supportive people. xx



  99.  #99GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Here’s a link to some Solfeggio music for sleep… feels very cleansing and clearing

    (I’m rather discriminating about these kinds of videos and I don’t use headphones in case there’s anything weird on them that I can’t know)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsA3_ZZj0TQ



  100.  #100GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Indigo, thank you, I receive that. Feels like releasing tears inside me in a way. It’s been such a long hard road, all my life really. Your words feel very very good |smile|

    It feels good to be watered in dry places by loving Sirens…



  101.  #101GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    Emerson, I realize freshly again that it’s the pattern of abuse from childhood that brings back in the same from NSM or others. That frequency is still in me some, and with energies, like attracts like.

    Looking forward to FasterEFT, DNSR and Gupta Amygdala Training! Ah, it will be a different year for GingerSky. Time for new change.



  102.  #102GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Indigo “My mom called me self-absorbed this morning and it triggered me very badly on a day I felt very strongly was going to be good”

    I so get this. And now I think I do this to my Mom too lol.

    Breathe… it may be an opportunity to practice ho you get your good vibe back under an adverse condition? then your good vibe is even stronger and more implanted/ingrained and second nature? πŸ™‚ xo



  103.  #103GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Daria, “I didn;t say ‘i wanna break up with you sh*t’

    That’s a good one for me to meditate on, thank you.



  104.  #104Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Gingersky
    What is NSM?
    What do you mean about the headphones? I feel curious



  105.  #105GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Daria your scripting for Emerson was fantastic. Love that. And yeah, so many times a guy thinks it’s not okay to do something as we want bc he has some idea that it’s too pushy, so he gives us “control” instead.

    I so feel I wanna give you something back for all I get form you… I feel I value you as a person regardless, and I also gain a lot from you as well. When my new businesses hit some paydirt I’ll send you a case of wild sardines or something πŸ˜‰ You rock. You remind me to not be in judgment. Which makes me healthier and more.



  106.  #106GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Oh, sorry Emerson, I realized that didn’t entirely makes sense. NSM is the man here… we were in a beautiful and intense, lovely and gentle relationship which was amazing yet we are not on that track anymore, he’s just in my CD rotation now, and we work together intensively in intentional community. It’s a long story.

    Today NSM stands for Now a Sh8tlist Member, lol.

    He just emailed me about our morning meeting etc for work, and still didn’t apologize even for doing that (or even mention it) though I told him in email exchange last night I felt triggered about the car fume thing. Oh tomorrow will be interesting but now I feel stronger about it from sharing here and receiving your encouragements, you and Indigo etc. I am leaned back again now.

    The next time NSM wants some cuddle time, the well will be dry. He drained it yesterday with his mean action. This feels like strength for me, as I *never* use sex or physicality with a man as a tool or weapon, don;t believe in doing that, and was brought up so strongly against it, that all my life I went in the other direction too much and never held my boundaries enough or communicated honestly with myself on what I really want. Now, if it feels bad, I won’t do it. Wow. Before, I never noticed or allowed myself to act on bad inner feelings for my own sake, and I’d be taken in by the man’s charm or by my own need to fill my loneliness. Now my needs are filled by taking good care of me almost all the time, and men’s “charm” holds no charm for me, at last, lol.

    I need to add some new men to my CD rotation. One is gone to warmer climes for winter, one was not fun, and another lives a little far in eastern Tennessee (super nice but not someone I’d settle down with either fwiw)… some become only friends, some drift away and we both get busy. I know what I’m giving me for Christmas lol. Several nice men who open my door and are *glad* to cater to my needs (MCS) for the sake of getting to have some fun times with my intelligent lovely warm honest self, doing stuff around town.

    NSM can trap himself in his car and breathe his own fumes. I’m busy. And life loves me!

    I have plans… sitting on the terrace at Grove Park Inn with yet another nice man.

    I look forward to this… it will be fun to see how long it takes to bring this into reality for myself.



  107.  #107GingerSky on December 23, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Indigo, thanks again on both counts, the man and the MCS. It feels very good to not see and feel myself as being alone in these experiences. It feels good that some people relate and care. Really good.

    Goodnight all… deep and sound refreshing sleep to Sirens. This ultra-sensitive mermaid is climbing her high bed to sleep like the Princess Without A Pea (that’s me |wink|

    Love to all.



  108.  #108Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    I feel like I’m choking
    I feel weird in my head and tight in my face
    I feel a hollowness in my chest



  109.  #109Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    I feel anger!



  110.  #110Daria on December 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    i feel like im really close to getting pounded our for pleasure ie having consistent really great sex

    yay!



  111.  #111Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Oh I feel so sad …
    Sinking into my sadness but its not fading
    I feel dread and horror
    Wow where is that coming from
    I’m not coping by drinking or smoking anymore
    So I have to feel the feelings
    When will I feel like its ok who and how I am
    I don’t accept myself
    I feel sad, Emerson it’s ok…
    Sadness and feeling a tightness in my throat, my head is humming



  112.  #112Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Ive managed to make so many circumstances difficult for myself
    Why
    Is it intentional
    Am I thinking in the trap of “someday”
    But then when is that ?!?!
    Not someday
    Right now this moment
    That’s what I want
    Blah blueCD you’re boring and so predictable
    And maybe unavailable
    I feel anger and Unacceptance toward you too
    For “letting me down”
    Why do I give him that power
    Pffffttt



  113.  #113Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    I feel needy and piney and unable to care for myself



  114.  #114Emerson on December 23, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    Am I choosing to feel sad



  115.  #115Vi on December 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Emerson I feel tender in my heart reading what you’re feeling..



  116.  #116Rebecca on December 24, 2012 at 12:19 am

    ((((((emerson))))))



  117.  #117Rebecca on December 24, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Emerson

    I hope another siren gives you some advice here.

    I’m never sure what to do when feeling utter sadness and despair.

    For me I personally try to embrace the feelings and not feel scared of them.

    I also then try to put the focus back on myself – though I don’t always remember this!



  118.  #118Smile on December 24, 2012 at 12:46 am

    Wow, woke up feeling guilty about dating 2 guys πŸ™



  119.  #119janie baby on December 24, 2012 at 12:57 am

    (((Emerson)))

    I feel sad now too.
    Before it was sad out of control.
    Now i feel very accepting sad.
    I accept this is how he feels about me, and that chasing and nagging and trying to ask him won’t change anything so I might as well move on for my own sake.

    I just feel sooo confused!
    Last night he texted me saying he was really sad about the breakup .. so I called him. (leaning forward I know… but it felt right) He was outside at a party and then i said “ok im going to bed” and he asked if he could call me tomorrow to discuss.. and i said sure. and he said ok he’d call me tomorrow.

    He never called.
    usually i text and stuff to ask why he didn’t or i’ll wait ntil he does 2 days later and just move onf rom it but i feel angry.
    why does it give me hope and then drop me?
    i feel like he’s doing it on purpose to show me doesn’t care
    or he just simply forgot
    and that’s not a good sign to me.
    i want a man to remember me.
    why does he do this?
    i’m seriously confused.
    I don’t even want to pick up my phone from him when he finally calls cause I don’t even know what to say.
    ….? How do i express that I’m annoyed if this is something that he constantly does…
    I’m just so annoyed.



  120.  #120janie baby on December 24, 2012 at 1:01 am

    I’m just so frustrated.



  121.  #121janie baby on December 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

    Why does he do this?!



  122.  #122Smile on December 24, 2012 at 1:48 am

    ((Janie baby))

    You will drive yourself mad with frustration trying to work out why. I completely understand your confusion though. I loved strummingan so much. He wrote me letters saying he wanted to make things work and that he loved me but then withdrew even more. He arranged to see me and meet me to take me out… I got stood up 5 times!!!! I often wondered why? Why would he say these things but then not do them??But I managed to get to a place where I didn’t care why.
    Look after yourself xx



  123.  #123janie baby on December 24, 2012 at 1:50 am

    Thanks Smile

    Omgosh. It’s horrible! I know I’ll get to a place where I don’t care. I’m starting to feel that acceptance. Before I’d text him or call to get rid of the uneasiness. Then I would feel it. Now I’m seeing this is part of him and it turns me off.

    I just honestly it’s so confusing. Is there a psychology behind this? are they just sickos? haha what is it? I feel sooo curious!



  124.  #124Smile on December 24, 2012 at 1:55 am

    2cd- hi, I’ve felt super busy these last few days getting ready for Xmas but I want to be honest with you and say I’m not feeling a connection at the moment xx

    Cycle cd- it would feel great to be cooked for but it would feel better to be taken out on dates and do something fun. I don’t want to get caught up in a sexual relationship just yet, although having sex feels great and I enjoyed the other night I would want to be sexually exclusive with a guy and I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet. I don’t want to give my heart away too easily. I’m looking for a life long relationship and want to keep my options open while I have fun dating and getting to know you.



  125.  #125Smile on December 24, 2012 at 1:59 am

    Janie baby, you will get there. It’s taken me a whole year but I’ve loved my journey! Only a few weeks ago he was STILL talking about wanting to meet me for a drink… That still hasn’t happened. I pay close attention to action and not words though now.

    I don’t know about your guybut with strummingman I believe he was a truly nice good decent guy. I know he never intentionally hurt me. We cried together a few times. He was hurting too. For whatever reasons it just didn’t work. Wrong time emotionally and with where someone is at in there life. I don’t hold any resentment around this anymore.



  126.  #126Daria on December 24, 2012 at 2:01 am

    I feel embarassed to be seen as ‘thirsty’
    I feel controlling around sex

    I feel controlling around giving and receiving around sex

    I feel angry



  127.  #127janie baby on December 24, 2012 at 2:01 am

    (((Smile)))

    xoxoxo thanks. good night!



  128.  #128Smile on December 24, 2012 at 2:04 am

    Good night Janie baby, sleep well x



  129.  #129Smile on December 24, 2012 at 2:10 am

    Daria, 122 I was just processing my feeling messages to my CDs, I feel curious to know what you think?



  130.  #130Butterfly Wings on December 24, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Hi everyone and merry Christmas! It’s after 8pm on Christmas eve here and my little one is sound asleep and her presents are all under the tree. I can’t wait to see her face in the morning!

    And on the man front, life couldn’t get any more interesting!

    TH is long gone, and he had to see me with another guy on Friday night in order to finally get the message.

    NWG is now off-limits, because he set me up with his friend J. J is LOVELY. But waaayyy too young. He’s been fun, but over the last few days, has really dropped of the contact. So I’m feeling kind of turned off. I still think he’s a nice guy and he’s hot and a great kisser etc etc, but no. He just cannot be for me what I need him to be.

    Mr Italian is interstate right now, but seems very keen to see more of me when he gets back. We were texting today and he’s semi booked me for NYE. He keeps calling me “good looking”. I like it. πŸ˜›

    And then there’s D. We used to work together but he left several months ago. He was my shoulder to cry on when I was having troubles with TH, and he constantly told me over and over again that I deserved so much better. We met up at the pub over a month ago now, and we kissed. It was REALLY nice because he’s so so affectionate! Love it!

    So tonight we’re chatting online and he asked me if I’ve been thinking of him. I said I had been (because we saw each other briefly on Friday night at my work Christmas party). He said he’d been thinking of me too…

    And I replied “Oh really?” and he’s yet to message back…

    So yeah. Life’s having its ups and downs and I’m often feeling lonely, but I do have three guys around me, and all are great guys with potential I guess – even the young one I suppose…! πŸ˜›



  131.  #131Smile on December 24, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Very useful right now!

    How To Put Circular Dating To Work For You

    Here are some ways to think about how to use men in your life to help you – instead of trying to “get” from them the love, affection, attention and commitment they should actually be required to want to give to you in order to have the privilege of being with you:

    1. Keep reinforcing the mental and intellectual idea in your mind that Circular Dating will help you undo your old patterns.

    The idea is: Your old ways of thinking, feeling and responding to men – the way you’ve been trained to “be” with men – have all been working against you. You want to jettison some of your old systems of relating and responding and speaking and doing and being, and you want to shift some of them. And some you want to completely reverse.

    And still, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for those things you’ve been thinking, doing and saying. We don’t want to judge them – we want to build with them, to use what you’ve already got in your personal warehouse. To find a way to use them. We want to use everything you’ve ever learned, ever known, ever seen, ever experienced – to help you get to a new place.

    We want to make more of you – not less. For instance, if you’re going on a car journey, then knowing how to drive is helpful (even if you have to re-learn and re-do some driving skills…)

    2. Keep convincing Yourself of the elegance of this fact: That to undo old patterns that aren’t working, you have to discover and uncover those patterns.

    What you’re going for here is a string of “aha” moments. Convince yourself of the truth that getting information and analyzing will do you only so much good. (We all know how frustrating it is to know something but just not be able to shift it…)

    Make it up, if you have to, until you have the actual evidence (and you will, quickly, as you Circular Date with this new mindset) to keep you going – that these new patterns will be true for you…

    3. To undo the patterns once you’ve discovered them, you have to experience the little discoveries with your whole mind/heart/body/spirit. This means you have to:

    Welcome – in fact invite – being triggered. Being triggered is what happens when you automatically go into a negative reaction about something. For instance, a man might ask you a question like, “Why are you still single?” and you might feel like you have to defend yourself or as if you’re being rejected.
    Be constantly in “investigation” mode. Ask yourself questions like “how do I feel?” and “why am I here” and “who is this man and why is he here in front of me?”
    You have to catch when you’re giving to “get.” That’s because your being a “giving” person will make any man who is a natural “giver” not be attracted to you! A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us, love only feels like it’s happening when we give. And so we have to practice.
    4. Circular Dating is all about your practice. First, simply practice not giving (this is where interacting with multiple men comes in very, very handy for practice, because you won’t feel like you only have one opportunity to get things right).

    Then, you practice receiving, which looks and feels like you opening your heart.

    So, again, you don’t really need your dream man to show up right away for your practice. (He will when you least expect it, and you won’t likely recognize him as your dream man right off anyway.) The thing here is for you to not stop practicing when he shows up (or when you think it’s him showing up). This is a lifetime practice. And all along the way of practice…

    5. You’re going to feel stuff. You’re going to feel stuff you want to feel (thrills and chills and fun).

    And you’ll also feel stuff you don’t want to feel, like grief. That’s because as things change and you start down different roads that will lead you to new, love-filled places, you feel in limbo, in transit. You feel grief for the old road. Really, truly, we do feel grief at leaving our old roads behind. This is completely normal. That’s why…

    6. Circular Dating is “school.” It’s “Love 101.” It’s “How did I get to this place marked “No Love,” and how do I switch course and get myself to the place marked “Plenty of Love?”

    Forever is just a bunch of moments strung together. One after the other. And the only way to experience that is to start treasuring the experiencing of moments. Each one, one at a time.



  132.  #132Smile on December 24, 2012 at 2:33 am

    I love roris idea of forever!!

    Forever is just a bunch of moments strung together. One after the other



  133.  #133Butterfly Wings on December 24, 2012 at 2:35 am

    Yeah I like that too Smile… πŸ™‚



  134.  #134Daria on December 24, 2012 at 2:40 am

    Smile –

    2cd- hi, I’ve felt super busy these last few days getting ready for Xmas but I want to be honest with you and say I’m not feeling a connection at the moment xx

    ****

    no. def don’t say this. Rori says “it’s the space between the bars that holds the tiger” and therefore it’s what you Don’t say that’s important. Don’t say this, it’s push away. Instead… concentrate more on expressing self in a new brave way in the moment. Is there some times you can notice a turn on that you feel scared to acknowledge? or a turn off that you brush off as hopeless? where can you get more authentic

    Also – has this guy asked you soemthing? context can be important here. are you responding to something?

    *****

    Cycle cd- I FEEL ….. great to be cooked for πŸ™‚ {don’t use ‘but’)

    and that won’t work for me right now… I don’t want to have dates at a guy’s house just yet. It feels better to be taken out and to do something fun.

    I feel a lil off balance here… I don’t feel ready for a sexual relationship just yet…



  135.  #135Rebecca on December 24, 2012 at 3:03 am

    I need to flip around this feeling of helplessness in relationships…

    It scares me…

    I feel scared..

    Relationships seem sordid sometimes..

    I feel scared.



  136.  #136Smile on December 24, 2012 at 3:27 am

    Daria, thank you that feels helpful.

    With 2cd, I notice I feel urg when he texes. He texes everyday. I haven’t responded from yesterday yet. I have said I’m too busy to date him at the min, which I am. I said it would be better after Xmas. I feel like I’m just putting it off. I’m not sure I want to see him again and I want to communicate this to him. He lives far away and I have to put a lot of my time aside to see him which I’m not feeling good about.



  137.  #137Indigo on December 24, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Gingersky 100

    Thank you. I sat with the feeling for an hour or two and then when I got into work I sent her a text just saying sorry, and I didn’t want to fight. She texted back apologising too and saying that her health is not very good at the moment.

    I felt sad and compassionate for her, but relief too that it was not only my stuff.



  138.  #138Indigo on December 24, 2012 at 3:54 am

    ((((janie baby))))

    Smile is right, you cannot know why he does this, and you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. One thing I can tell you is that he is not trying to torture you.

    Can you make room for the possibility that he is just as unsure of what to do next and overwhelmed by his emotions as you are?



  139.  #139Daria on December 24, 2012 at 4:07 am

    I can’t wait … To have good sex

    I fe insure about the phrasing ‘I can’t wait’

    Make that Great sex

    Omgosh it’s gona feel so wonderful to relax and be transported away



  140.  #140Daria on December 24, 2012 at 4:12 am

    In the past Ove beat myself up for being excited to have sex soon is being sex hungry or for wanting sex or for thirsty mess or being turned on or chz I feel pony for sex or I feel sad and puddly abt sex or I feel empty fire or I feel addicted or I feel desirous desperate or eager

    I love all my feelings !



  141.  #141Heart on December 24, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Hi Blog

    I feel really calm at the moment.
    I went out on a date with HoundCd. I was feeling horrible and had to force myself…
    But I’m so glad I did…it was nice and I felt in Siren mode again…
    I stepped out of feminine energy so many times on my last date.
    But I relaxed and leaned back on this one.
    I left the date thinking..he’s not into me …I won’t hear from him again.

    15 mins later he texted me saying he wanted to see me again…and that he had bought a gift for me and forgot to give it to me. Awwwr.
    Wow..my intuition is so off. It’s like being smothered by my nasty voice & insecurities and fears.

    Now as i think back on my date with CudG I realized he had indirectly communicated many times that he would be in touch After his travels. I was being run by my fear of abandonment.
    I can’t believe I wrote him and said I want to just be friends. If anyone has any advice on how to repair such a botched up email. I would appreciate it.

    At any rate…I feel good right now…and I’m telling myself to keep Dating Dating Dating..
    I let myself become fixated on one guy! So unsireny….it’s ok…it’s all a learning process…

    Happy Holidays to all the sirens.



  142.  #142Heart on December 24, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Hi Blog

    I feel really calm at the moment.
    I went out on a date with HoundCd. I was feeling horrible and had to force myself…
    But I’m so glad I did…it was nice and I felt in Siren mode again…
    I stepped out of feminine energy so many times on my last date.
    But I relaxed and leaned back on this one.
    I left the date thinking..he’s not into me …I won’t hear from him again.

    15 mins later he texted me saying he wanted to see me again…and that he had bought a gift for me and forgot to give it to me. Awwwr.
    Wow..my intuition is so off. It’s like being smothered by my nasty voice & insecurities and fears.

    Now as i think back on my date with CudG I realized he had indirectly communicated many times that he would be in touch After his travels. I was being run by my fear of abandonment.
    I can’t believe I wrote him and said I want to just be friends. If anyone has any advice on how to repair such a botched up email. I would appreciate it.

    At any rate…I feel good right now…and I’m telling myself to keep Dating Dating Dating..
    I let myself become fixated on one guy! So unsireny….it’s ok…it’s all a learning process…

    Happy Holidays to all the sirens.



  143.  #143Tam on December 24, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Smile, wow, interesting to read your posts…you sound great. You are handling it really well and I like those feeling messages, honest and authentic.



  144.  #144Heart on December 24, 2012 at 5:32 am

    ((((Emers))))
    I know the feeling…
    What a rough couple of days…



  145.  #145Heart on December 24, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Tam & curly sitting in a tree…



  146.  #146Tam on December 24, 2012 at 5:48 am

    So I went to Curly’s surprise party, dressed in a very tight but classy dress…went by myself. I got lots of comments from guys how hot I looked hehe…was funny.
    Yep, 3/4 of the surprise guests were women…and most of them single..all his friends..haha. Interestingly, it didn’t bother me in the least, actually I was just super excited at the opportunity to see how I would handle myself in this, and especially what he would do…I was in my observance element. Felt fun.
    So he gets there and immediately looks around for me…ha ha..I felt super amused as I was somewhere in a corner talking to a couple of his male friends.
    2 women aggressively pursued him all night…and that amused me also. one was literally following him like a shadow and I realised as I got home, that she is in every picture I took right by his side..hehehe.
    I was just having fun, eating, being merry…and Curly kept coming to me all the time and saying how he wished he didn’t have to talk to all these people and could sit with me instead….and ‘how are you getting home, I don’t have my car, oh no, I wish I had my car’…too funny. He was worried about that at the start of the party.
    A really rough looking young girl comes in and somehow plonks herself next to me, and we chat and she says ‘oh I live with Curly’…and then ‘oh, you are THAT Tam’…oh…like I was some kind of special guest or something, and even then I was laughing and thinking ‘this man is something else’….turns out that (I knew) he rents out bits of his house and she ‘used to’ live there…and actually, was a funny girl and I liked her a lot, she was not part of the fake/money scene and just simple and no bs….we had a lot of fun actually…she collected all the drink tickets and got trashed…

    I feel a little confused as nothing much bothered me last night, when I think back on my ex and he once heavily flirted with another woman in front of me, deliberately, and I was so so upset. Here I am dating a man with a Harem, and I just sit somewhere having fun and it doesn’t bother me in the least. The weird thing is, it almost kind of turned me on to see all these women run after him. I kind of thought ‘wow, maybe he isn’t that bad after all’.

    Of course once the evening progressed he stuck to me like glue, and his friend took us all to another place where we stood around a bit and then drove us home. In the car he pounced on me when I was already home…all of a sudden he was in my face, too funny, and we kissed and it was actually very nice..not sure if that was aided by the vino or what…anyhow.

    The guy intrigues me now as he looks so polished and always hangs around with the ‘in-crowd’ but I get the feeling he is a loose cannon and a bit rough also, just judging by his housemates…actually, I like that part better. But Jeez, he isn’t half a MrP..it’s actually uncanny. He is not quite as intelligent as him (but then I hardly ever met anybody who is), and MrP is not a womanizer at all, but Curly is otherwise with his lifestyle etc a total copy….
    I suspect he has come into my life to teach me another lesson with these kinds of men…..and nothing else will come of it, but while he treats me like a queen, I am going to keep seeing him.

    Just a bit worried that my other CD’s are kind of wearing thin…hmmmmmmmm….no more internet for me though.



  147.  #147Tam on December 24, 2012 at 5:50 am

    Heart you made me laugh!!!! Sitting in a tree? πŸ˜‰



  148.  #148BeLoved on December 24, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Gingersky it sounds like the lesson NSM is teaching you is to stay the h3ll away from abusive people.

    The need to “Teach you a lesson”…dismissing feelings, invalidation…all insidious forms of abuse.

    If it were me in that situation, I probably would have smacked him upside the head. But I also won’t get into a car with someone who invalidates my feelings and thinks he knows what I’m feeling inside better then I do. I’ve learned my lesson πŸ˜‰



  149.  #149Heart on December 24, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Tam – yup…

    Can’t believe you named him Curly though..hehe…



  150.  #150BeLoved on December 24, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Also reminds me of M, who threw me in a tizz of inquiry…for hours every day, I would do inquiry –
    M should not date other women, is that true?
    M should not try to sleep with the teenagers in my house, is that true?
    M should not hide his activities, is that true?
    M should not use me for free therapy and then ignore me, is that true?
    M should not have everything on his terms, is that true?

    for hours and hours, months and months.

    It wasn’t until I had spun myself into a massive web of confusion that I thought to ask,

    ‘I should stick around and put up with this sh*t from M, is that true?”
    πŸ˜€



  151.  #151Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Oh, I did make a bit of a tit of myself actually…that really awful woman (the one who told me I was flat chested) is his best friend …. ummmmh…like some woman said to me at the party ‘OMG look at that woman, all her clothes are 2 sizes too small and 30 years too young for her…that is his best friend? More like the f*ck buddy’….OMG…I was laughing my head off. I had thought similar before…
    Anyway, this woman is awful and I can’t stand to be close to her. She talks bad the whole time and is drunk the whole time and is plain embarrassing for herself and those with her. Brrr. So in the car on the way back, she was screaming like a child and then she was talking bad about some other woman again, really foul language and I just stuck my fingers into my ears. Then Curly made the mistake of pulling one of my hands out and saying ‘ermm…are you ok?’ And I went into a very un-sireny barrage (well, he didn’t have to ask), and said ‘no, I am not, I just can’t listen to this bad mouthing and bad talking other people anymore, I hate it and I lost my tolerance for it’. Well, that shut her up. And him. Silence.
    Haha.
    And then after a while she asked me how much rent I pay – as we got to my place. And I hate those kind of personal questions anyway, and just said really snobbily ‘I don’t’. Curly was like ‘she owns it’.
    Oh gosh.
    Pffff….I also called her dog a rat.
    How unsireny…We talked about dogs and I said I like a decent sized dog and not dogs of rat size and she pulls out a picture of a Chihuaua, Curly hands it to me and says ‘what would you call that?’ and I said ‘a rat with big eyes, but still a rat’.
    It’s funny now but wasn’t very Sireny.
    I just got so wound up by all this silliness….and then he keeps saying to me ‘oh you are so different from all these women here’.
    Ladies, it’s not difficult. All you have to do is behave like a normal person, and it singles you out as different.If you are not pouncing on a man or on some kind of medication that makes you crazy, and falling about drunk etc that makes you different.
    I don’t even have to try, I just need to be myself.
    Such an interesting place.
    And strangely, my friends here are not like that at all..so I don’t know where he digs out these people…



  152.  #152BeLoved on December 24, 2012 at 6:08 am

    140

    Heart

    I would let it stand, not try to do any damage control, and get on with enjoying my life.
    You can’t do the wrong thing with the right man, so if he’s the right guy for you it isn’t going to deter him from getting in touch when he gets back.

    By the time he gets back, you might have found that guy who makes you realize why things didn’t work out with all of the others who came before him.
    Or you will have gotten so used to men who DON’T poof and who give you what you need and want that you have much higher standards and aren’t interested in what he has to offer anymore.

    If it were me, I would live my life and let myself grow and change and trust that if he’s the right guy, he will show up at the perfect time in the perfect way with no help from me and nothing I could say or do could keep him away.

    (((Heart)))

    I love the line from HappyThankYouMorePlease:

    Go out and get yourself loved!!! πŸ˜€



  153.  #153Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Oh actually, if I remember right, he ‘shht’ me at the end of my barrage about the bad talking stuff, as he probably thought I was upsetting his ‘best friend/f*ck buddy’ or whatever she is..that didn’t feel good. Yes, that was the only little 2 second interlude that did not feel good at all. He better not ‘shht’ me again or else….
    I don’t have to please his drama queens, that is out of the question πŸ™‚



  154.  #154Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:17 am

    Heart…hmmm….about the ‘just friends’ email. I would let it sit and maybe try to make contact with him in a light hearted way. To see what’s up.
    This can stop a man in his tracks but a little signal might go a long way – if you want.
    I friend zoned Curly also and although it had apparently arrived in his brain, he just carried on regardless after a day of silence.
    It is a case of when they want you they don’t seem to care too much and keep trying…but maybe you had already a few misunderstandings, perhaps I would take the opportunity to lean forward a little bit.
    On occasions when I felt I had done something out of order or whatever, I found the men respond very well to a little bit of attention. They are only human too and being friend-zoned is not exactly a compliment.
    In fact, when I mentioned it again yesterday to Curly, saying ‘I have friend zoned you’, he actually got a little angry and said something strange which I can’t remember.
    So I am giving mixed signals now, but I don’t care because as long as it feels good for me all is fine. I don’t need to look after his feelings, he can handle them. But he is a strong character and he obviously has a lot of female fans. If I had done something like that to MrP or some of my more female/emotional CD’s, they most likely would not get in touch with me anymore because it pushe an insecure man away I believe.
    Alpha male who is interested in a woman will just see it as a challenge to turn her around. He practically told me that, word for word. And then said ‘you are my challenge now’.
    I trust a man to know men πŸ˜‰



  155.  #155Mercedes on December 24, 2012 at 6:20 am

    “A bit wiser, a bit more vulnerable, feeling fragile but relying on the steel within you to let the world see what a beautiful, delicate, intricate, complex and yet totally whole woman you are.”

    Beautiful…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  156.  #156Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:22 am

    The thing is that I know a lot of feminine energy men or those who are a little insecure. if I was to initiate contact, I could have tons of dates. I could do that but then these are men that I am not so happy to be around because they are not ‘take charge’ kind of guys and it wears me out a little.

    I prefer to hang with alphas who take the initiative and lead…I like to be lead. I like to be with a secure man who isn’t fragile and needs me to take care of his feelings. Exbf and MrP have lost their appeal quite a lot now. MrP not so much because although he is inside very insecure, he is a total aplha also…he will never be told, he is always in charge…I like those kinds of men where I don’t need to think much about what to do next as they already made a plan.
    Curly already worried about me getting home safely at the start of the party – so I did not need to worry.
    I like that.



  157.  #157Goddess Lily on December 24, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Tam,

    Do you know the sitting in a tree” song? Well its not really a song, but do you know what she is talking about?



  158.  #158Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 6:27 am

    STARLA . . . Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas and all good things wrapped up just for you πŸ™‚ I’m so happy for you that meeting qz turned out like you hoped. I got tears in my eyes reading your post – I can feel your joy. Bless you ~ can’t wait to hear the details!



  159.  #159Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Goddess Lily, I have dark memories but not really. Is it rude? πŸ˜‰



  160.  #160Heart on December 24, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Thank you Beloved and Tam <3
    I feel soothed by your advice…



  161.  #161Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 6:36 am

    I am leaning back this Holiday Season and just sinking into my feelings and letting the people who love me come to me, or not. I’ve been really sick for a week and still feel pretty bad, so not much energy to overfunction like I normally do anyway – lol.

    I’ve kept my goals in mind, so for the first time since I had kids, I did not spend more than I had on gifts. I also just bought a really small (2 foot high) live tree that can be planted in our yard after the holiday, which was inexpensive and completely different from the touch the ceiling trees we normally drag home, then burn. I’m letting the boys set the pace for the holiday – no pushing from me. I’ll be there – cooking, open to play games, bake cookies, whatever they want, but I’m not excpeting them to hang out with me constantly. When I find myself alson, I take a nap with my pets, which is lovely and good for me.

    Same goes for GM – I am not contacting him at all. This is the first time since we met that I have not sent him a Christmas card to his house – I didn’t send any cards this year. I’m also not going to text him. I don’t even feel like it. I miss him, but I miss the him that used to act like he loved me – not the him that acts like my feelings for him are a burden.

    I feel a little wounded, but also i can feel healing. I’m starting to be able to see a future where I will be happy on my own. Merry Christmas to me and my inner girl.



  162.  #162Heart on December 24, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Tam – lolol..you’re life is So Funny…you should start a blog.



  163.  #163Goddess Lily on December 24, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Oh no, not rude. Just something kids say to make fun of each other

    Curly and Tam sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.



  164.  #164Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:44 am

    161..Goddess Lily..hahahaha….don’t scare me now.
    πŸ˜‰

    Heart, my life is HILARIOUS right now, the trouble is that I am probably the only one who sees all this stuff as for everybody else this is normal here – I guess. I am just cracking up the whole time.

    I mean, really, I never had a 60 year old pounce on me in the back of a car…it’s kind of comical. VERY.

    I wish I had a camera on my head and could show you all what I see here. Sex and the City is nothing compared to what goes on down here…



  165.  #165Heart on December 24, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Tam…Curly is a lucky bastard…;)



  166.  #166Tam on December 24, 2012 at 6:57 am

    The ironic thing is that I am not using feeling messages, because I don’t need to do anything…I get really lazy and that feels good…but also kind of too easy.
    And he is using feeling messages on me, like ‘feels so good to be around you’ etc etc.
    I guess I used them in the beginning a little…ermm….who cares. Whatever I am not doing seems to work. Haha.
    I am liking this!
    And I just had a call where he apologised that he couldn’t pay any more attention to me yesterday as the party was for him and he had to talk to people….in fact, he spent a lot of the evening with me.
    How funny.
    Jeez, I can’t help thinking what a killer relationship it would have been if MrP just had a little of that…wow…because we were great friends too.
    Ah well, can’t have everything, eh?
    Just a little quick pine.
    Back on the horse..



  167.  #167Tam on December 24, 2012 at 7:00 am

    163 Heart, yep, absolutely!!! And he knows it. πŸ˜‰



  168.  #168Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 7:47 am

    If GM asks me why I have been so quiet, which he has done in the past when I have leaned back for an extended period, I’m thinking of saying this:

    “It feels better to hear from you. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m the one always reaching for you.”

    Does that sound ok? It’s exactly how I feel, but I don’t want it to sound blamey. I don’t want to pretend that I’ve been too busy, too happy, too anything to contact him – that would be a lie and he would know it. I just want to be honest, but without the intent of making him feel bad. He may not even ask – he may not even contact me ever again. Right now it feels like we could go years and never see each other. It breaks my heart that he would rather be alone . . . I will never understand it, but I’m praying that I will recover from it.



  169.  #169GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I am loved and deeply adored because of who I am, and how I am. Not because of who a man is, or how he is.

    This means my options are endless no matter where I am at or who I am with.

    This is a fairly delightful thought.



  170.  #170Heart on December 24, 2012 at 8:15 am

    (((((((Calypso)))))))



  171.  #171BeLoved on December 24, 2012 at 8:34 am

    166

    Calypso

    For me, what would be true is:
    “Ya know, It doesn’t feel good to explain myself.
    But d*mn, it sure feels good to hear your voice! I feel all soft and sensuous and loved right now.”



  172.  #172Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 8:52 am

    He probably would not call – he might text some smart-a$$ thing. I’m just tired of hurting and missing him and exhausted from running from those feelings and trying to mask them by starting relationships with other men. I don’t want to meet anyone new right now. I’m going to try to learn how to be nice to myself. When I stop running and really face my feelings the way I have did on my road-trip last week, I realize how much healing i still need to do.

    Yesterday I saw my ex-husband’s car in the parking lot of the grocery store when I was running in from the rain – I kept an eye out for him the whole time I was in there and it is a good thing I did not run into him because I think I would have hugged him and burst into tears. I’m that much of an emotional wreck right now.

    I skipped my period this month . . . I wonder what’s up with that? maybe I’m just exceptionally hormonal on top of being sick and the obvious emotional situation with having my son home from boot camp.



  173.  #173Heart on December 24, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Calypso…I think you should lean forward and contact him…How long have u been pining?
    It’s unhealthy & painful…
    Maybe you need a jolt to your system…



  174.  #174Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Calypso not sure I would say “it feels better when I hear from you”. Or maybe “I want to feel like a goddess who relaxes and allows men to lead”. Something about what I want to experience in my life in general, maybe. But not what you want from him.



  175.  #175Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I miss hearing your voice and it feels really weird not to be in contact. It feels soothing and relaxing like I am an oasis, like a goddess and allowing men to lead the communicating.



  176.  #176Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

    When I am sick or under stress I am usually an emotional wreck. The difference is that now I can observe myself consciously.



  177.  #177CurvySiren10 on December 24, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Starla, I am waiting patiently for details on your meetup with qz! OK, not so patiently! lol

    Happy Holidays to all… wherever you are, and whatever you celebrate this time of year! I wish you all peace, harmony and oh-so-much love! πŸ™‚



  178.  #178Starla on December 24, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Hey Ladies! I just had the best birthday weekend ever. My guy friend M took me out to an amaaaazing dinner and gave me a fancy ipod. We are just friends.

    And before that my friend threw a party and it was lovely

    I am not sure what to say about QZ. But he did explain himself about disappearing. It was too overwhelming for him to face, he hid away for too long, and by the time he realized what he was doing, he figured it would be insulting to me to contact me after burning a bridge in such a drastic fashion.

    he was very happy to hear from me.

    it was on the second we saw each other. we can’t help it. i’m not sure we’re even capable of getting upset in each others presence, which is something that’s caused us major problems before and something we’re going to have to figure out. we forget that we have things we need to communicate about because we go all ga-ga in each others presence.

    so we met up at a starbucks in the parking lot to go inside and catch up, but to my surprise he went into date mode immediately, moving us to a restaurant location and asking if he could take care of the bill for us, opening doors…. walking me to my car… AHHH ALL THE THINGS I MISSED SO BAD lol

    it was almost amusing seeing how in love he is with me. it’s obvious and painted all over his face and body. and i’m SURE it’s obviously painted all over my face and body too. i’m not ashamed. we love each other and it’s obvious. i don’t feel worried or afraid, but instead like if i let love lead the way and just trust myself, there’s nothing to fear.

    i trust myself well enough to know when something’s off. until then, i will not be afraid of things that have yet to even happen.



  179.  #179Starla on December 24, 2012 at 9:44 am

    “When I am sick or under stress I am usually an emotional wreck. The difference is that now I can observe myself consciously.”

    me too, FW



  180.  #180Starla on December 24, 2012 at 9:51 am

    At the end of the night we stood face to face at my car and he said “I want to hug you.”

    “I want you to hug me” I said back.

    πŸ™‚

    Now he’s in Las Vegas for his birthday today. I feel so excited that us Christmas babies are getting a proper bday celebration for once:).

    My friend said “he’s going to Vegas with his raunchy coworkers? omg doesn’t that freak you out? Sin city?”

    I had to laugh. No, not at all am I the slightest bit worried. he is the last man in the world i would worry about ‘misbehaving’ in vegas or thailand or any place like that. which is something i will never take for granted again.



  181.  #181Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Wow Starla that’s awesome!



  182.  #182Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Wow Starla that’s awesome!



  183.  #183Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Haha double post!



  184.  #184Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:05 am

    hey i put up a picture of me in those damn 400 dollar boots on my fb wall! lol. took me about year to finally wear them



  185.  #185Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Heart – I contacted him about 2 weeks ago – we had some texts back and forth, but i kept feeling like I was bothering him – I realize that is just my own issue and not necessarily a reflection of how he was really feeling, but I was excited about getting to talk to my son on the phone and it was almost time to go get him and i wanted so much to see GM and share my joy with him and so i leaned way forward and asked if we could get together and he was not available – there was a good reason, but he never contacted me again and it just left me feeling so sad and alone. I keep setting myself up for the same pain over and over again because i want to share things with GM, but it is never enough. I want everything with him and he knows that. I just think I need to leave him alone until I either get over him or until he comes for me. We have been doing this dance for over a year now. Last Christmas night i reached out to him – went to meet him, spent the night in his arms and then did not see him for 3 months afterward. I can’t keep doing this to myself. If it really takes 2 years to heal from something like this, then I need to get started! every time I see him or hear his voice, it sets me back.



  186.  #186Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

    STARLA – YEA!!!!!! πŸ™‚



  187.  #187Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:14 am

    ((((((((Calypso)))))))))))))



  188.  #188Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

    if anyone wants to repost my pic in siren island i don’t mind either!



  189.  #189GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Oooo i’m pretty bored, I could post your pic starla!



  190.  #190Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:29 am

    lol do it..

    i’m bored too. at work. where is everybody?

    did memulo ever come back?

    MEMUUUUUULOOOOOOOOOOOO



  191.  #191Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I will be kind to my inner girl and acknowledge her need for safety and security. I will listen to her shouting at me to get my finances under control and every day I will take steps to do so, calming her fears and securing my future.

    I will take steps to improve my fitness as this also calms my inner girl and helps her to feel strong and safe.

    I will do things that are pleasing to ME – improve my surroundings at home in ways that make ME smile and that make ME feel good.

    I will acknowledge my feelings of abandonment from my father, my ex-husband and GM – I will feel how it feels and I will begin to heal. I will not run to a stranger looking for comfort from these things. I will heal from within.



  192.  #192GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Schmerrr

    Bacon sizzling makes my tummy go raaaawrllll mmmmm



  193.  #193Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 10:32 am

    I’m at work too and there is NOTHING to do – I have to stay another 4 1/2 hours “Just in case”, but there is NOTHING going on and very few people here.



  194.  #194GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I think of Memulo often!! Some sirens got all
    pushy with her (i’ll include myself in that).

    I also think of….

    Laughing Goddess
    Dancing Siren
    Simply Goddess
    Bloom-ing



  195.  #195Rebecca on December 24, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Wow Starla, that is great news! Wow.

    Today I am feeling really out of sorts..

    I did something really stupid and self destructive..

    Grrrr… I felt down. Like why is the world like this? Why do I find everything so horrific..

    I lost my balance

    What is that about??

    Grrr…



  196.  #196Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

    and i wonder what’s new with siren angel



  197.  #197GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Lots new with siren angel, via siren island. I believe she, as well, feels a bit uncomfortable posting on blog.



  198.  #198Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:39 am

    rebecca, do you want to share what this stupid self destructive thing is? i’m listening. i really ain’t got anything else to do!:P hehehe



  199.  #199GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Been thinking about how this blog evolves and changes it’s energy. Very different from when I first came here…



  200.  #200Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:41 am

    cool i just messaged siren angel to find out what’s new for myself:)

    la la laaaaaa

    OH I AM BORED

    i do have stuff to do, but… MEH!



  201.  #201Rachel on December 24, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I just ended a 1 1/2 year relationship with man who I initially resisted dating. He wasn’t really my “type” but I took the chance and we had a really good time. In the end, I knew that he wasn’t really right for me long term and I didn’t want to drag things out any longer for us…. and he agreed.

    BUT … wow … it took him literally less than a week to be onto the next girl and IN BED with her. I’m stunned.

    I knew he’d move on and I want him to find someone right for him and to be happy. But seeing how fast he hopped right in bed with someone he barely knew is triggering so much in me.

    I feel really devalued. I gave my very best in that relationship and now it feels like it meant nothing … that the first gal willing to spread her legs can replace all that. And I’m really disappointed in him .. in the kind of man I thought he was and the character I thought he had. I wonder now how much of “us” was even real. If I was just someone for him to have fun with and get his sex fix. πŸ™

    I guess some part of me knew something wasn’t right and that’s why I felt we needed to end things. But I need some help processing how to feel, think and move on. I find myself way more upset about this than I’d expected.

    Thank you for any insights you all can share. I haven’t been here in awhile, but I always feel such love for you all and wish you all the best for the holidays and 2013!



  202.  #202Rebecca on December 24, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I really need to open up my view about sex or I’m never going to get anywhere in life.

    I realise the world is the way it is and I need to accept it even if I don’t like it.

    Things happen that scare me..

    Grrr… I don’t want to bring the mood down..



  203.  #203Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:49 am

    “I feel really devalued. I gave my very best in that relationship and now it feels like it meant nothing … that the first gal willing to spread her legs can replace all that. And I’m really disappointed in him .. in the kind of man I thought he was and the character I thought he had. I wonder now how much of β€œus” was even real. If I was just someone for him to have fun with and get his sex fix. ”

    WOOOOAAHHHH slow down
    this is just the story you’re choosing to tell yourself. and it feels bad. why do you choose it?

    does it feel better to say ‘he is so devastated he has to numb the pain.’? cuz that is most likely the truth. but then that makes you the bad guy here…

    so you might want to see if you can’t just let go of any attachment to what he is or isn’t doing.



  204.  #204Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Starla muah yummy

    xoxox



  205.  #205Starla on December 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

    My Reiki training starts in just a few weeks. I have a great teacher for an affordable price and am going to learn how to be an amazing healer with her, I know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel so excited.

    Then I will work towards becoming a board certified reflexologist.



  206.  #206GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Men do not view sex the way we do…

    Jumping into bed with some girl is likely meaningless release of whatever he’s feeling after the breakup.

    No one can “replace” you, Rachel, because no one IS you.

    And, what Starla said πŸ˜‰



  207.  #207Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

    192 me too glow stix
    I was thinking about sirens I haven’t “seen” in a while…



  208.  #208Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

    seriously, it’s called a rebound for a reason.

    you’re not replaceable, Rachel, and you both deserve enough respect and privacy to let it go as much as possible…



  209.  #209CurvySiren10 on December 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I’m here at “work” too. SOO slow but I can’t leave for a few hours. I’m feeling very triggered by what my exH has decided to do today but I am kind of happy to have this trigger. I’ve been in a state of mourning and grief over my failed 23 year marriage despite being in an amazing relationship almost 2 years post divorce.

    These triggers snap me into reality about WHY the marriage failed. How different we are. How incompatible we are. It’s a good reminder- when I really need one and need to take off those rose-colored glasses that create regret.

    Agree with Glowstix and Starla re: men and jumping into a sexual thing right away, post breakup. Totally agree that they just don’t view it the way we do and it can often mean very little other than a physical escape valve.



  210.  #210GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I asked the man…What is it when men hop into bed with someone after a breakup?

    He said: “It’s trying to get your mind off it. Trying to forget. An attempt at losing yourself.”



  211.  #211CurvySiren10 on December 24, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Starla!! Wow, I am not surprised at all about the instantaneous re-connection between you and QZ. I never felt like that “break up” made ANY sense with the intensity of how things were between you. I think he probably has a lot of maturing to do in terms of learning HOW to manage these “relationship” things, but this is a good start!! I feel tingly and excited reading about things went…



  212.  #212CurvySiren10 on December 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Glowstix 208~ β€œIt’s trying to get your mind off it. Trying to forget. An attempt at losing yourself.”

    I heard almost those exact words from my guy. (explaining why he got into a casual sex thing with his ex when we “broke up” for a while in 2011)

    I still have a very hard time with this even though we are in a committed, exclusive relationship now. It feels validating to hear someone else say the same words. Like more credible or something instead of just trying to explain it away to me. Thank you for sharing that for Rachel. It’s helped me too.



  213.  #213Rachel on December 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Starla and GlowStix … thank you!

    No one can β€œreplace” you, Rachel, because no one IS you.

    This made me cry. I didn’t expect to feel any sadness or loss. I was ready to go and ready to let him go. But I guess I just thought that what we’d shared meant a “wee bit more” than that!

    I know men view sex differently… sigh …. lots to process



  214.  #214GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Yep “rebounding and releasing tension and anger”

    His words.



  215.  #215Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

    “I just thought that what we’d shared meant a β€œwee bit more” than that!”

    More than what Rachel?



  216.  #216Rachel on December 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Femininewoman,

    I guess I thought he’d honor what we’d shared by acting like a horny 17 year old. We’d had a lot of long talks and he always told me that knowing me had helped him to see love and sex in a different way. But now it feels like he just threw all that out the window.

    I guess I just want our time together to have been meaningful to him as it was to me. Although I don’t want him back, he still holds a very special place in my heart and our time together was good.

    When we ended things, we talked about that .. and how we’d always cherish those times. And then … he’s got some other woman in our bed that he’s known for less than a week?!



  217.  #217Rachel on December 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

    by NOT acting like a horny 17 year old!



  218.  #218GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Rachel

    It definitely doesn’t take any meaning away from what you two had. Not to him… I can’t speak to how much you meant to him, because i’m not him, however, his sexual encounters don’t change that in the slightest. Only to you, if you look at it that way. And maybe not a bad thing…The relationship may have gained more meaning to you, giving you more to feel and learn from.

    In the future, he will meet a new woman, and she will be right in a different way. She is not likely going to be the first one he slept with post breakup.

    (((Rachel)))

    I know how you feel, and being outside, looking in is so much easier, and more logical. Your emotions are so valid. Yet you can change the perspective they come from.



  219.  #219Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

    “I think he probably has a lot of maturing to do in terms of learning HOW to manage these β€œrelationship” things”

    CurvySiren, me too! oh goodness! that’s the biggest lesson I learned through all this.

    I am feeling very open to us maturing together in a gentle and accepting process. We’ve both done quite a bit of work while apart, mine a bit more intensive than his, but he’s always been the quicker of the two of us to try to do things differently, to commit to it and give it a shot… i’ve always been the one that gets weird when things aren’t what i expected and he’s far more adaptable. so we’re at a good middle ground for now.

    i know the most important thing i can do for myself, him, or us as a couple, is to keep myself sane and happy and keep my cup full so that i don’t go expecting him to do this for me. this looks like eating right, exercising, meditating, keeping my house peaceful and clean, spending time with friends, and pursuing my own interests.



  220.  #220Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

    rachel,
    it’s not YOUR bed anymore. not your problem. you’re not the one being cheapened here anyway — she is…



  221.  #221GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

    You know…I’ll bet the girl hears, at some point “I’m not ready for more…I’m not over my ex.”

    I’ve been that girl. I heard that without even asking for more.



  222.  #222Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

    But now it feels like he just threw all that out the window ——— it might be just the twoyearold throwing a temper tantrum. He might have been taught that he is not allowed to show his emotions and this is his way of dealing with the internal buildup. Who knows?



  223.  #223Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

    i am just so elated and relieved that my instincts about QZ were spot on.

    and i feel so ready to pursue my studies in spiritual and energetic healing, now that my confidence in my abilities has been cemented through this experience

    i feel so big and sure of myself!



  224.  #224GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

    I felt the same way he did… πŸ˜‰



  225.  #225Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

    exactly glowstix

    but i feel weird explicitly saying to rachel “oh he’s just hurting cuz you dumped him and he’s using that girl” because that’s like celebrating the victory of hurting someone successfully by dumping them. you already ‘won’ by being the dumper. i would get my nose out of the business of his new sex life ASAP. It just feels like bad immature ju ju.

    but it’s really normal to worry and think about it. when i dumped WarriorCD, he posted pics with other women on his facebook and i HATED it. ugh i hated it so much!!! even though i didn’t want him enough to keep him long term.



  226.  #226Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Believe it or not that other woman in his bed could have him scorning himself —– and her.

    He knows you never really wanted him, he can feel it deep inside. I don’t know of any man who likes being rejected.



  227.  #227GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Go starla!!!



  228.  #228Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Love the boots, Starla!



  229.  #229Rachel on December 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Wow .. you ladies do make a lot of sense! I know in my “knower” that he’s just not wanting to be lonely for Christmas, etc. and that he’ll probably not be with her for long.

    it’s not really about her. It’s about letting go of my expectations for how he’d handle the breakup. and my sense of “dignity” in honoring what we shared.

    And yes, I know it isn’t “our” bed anymore…. but gosh … have the sheets even been changed? Have they cooled from me yet? Grrr! I have to let it go .. he’s a big boy and can do what he wants.

    I ended things for good reasons and I know I did the right thing. I know what I can take away from the relationship and my personal growth. I’m trying to focus on that…



  230.  #230Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

    i could never have predicted that THIS would be the ultimate purpose and lesson of breaking up with QZ… I thought it would be romance related (I learned a lot in this avenue but it’s not the biggest lesson that came out of the experience). Instead, it is to show me the power of my own intuition.

    haha, life is cool



  231.  #231Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Rachel you ended “that” relationship. Remember the entity of the relationship is different from each individual who shares it. The needs of “that” relationship were not being fulfilled. Now you can focus your energy on building the relationship you want.



  232.  #232Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

    if anything, rachel, you can just let his behavior propel you further into knowing you did the right thing, cuz look how he handles the tough stuff in life.

    however, that is a perspective that requires judging men and how they use sex… maybe not a great use of your emotional resources

    i dunno. but you can always vent here! you don’t HAVE to let it go… i just spoke up cuz i don’t want to see any sirens hurting themselves with their thinking.



  233.  #233Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Focussing on the sheets, him and her is distracting you from focussing on your true feelings and really what you are meant to be focussing on. Breakups happen for a reason. Most relationships are not meant to be forever. What is the biggest lesson you learned about yourself in that relationship? Do you believe that the lesson is learned?



  234.  #234Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

    thanks calypso! can u see them in siren island?



  235.  #235Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Yes – very pretty πŸ™‚



  236.  #236Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Thank you! That was my birthday outfit. I loved it.

    Hehe I am such a girl



  237.  #237GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Life’s lessons are such a mystery…I’m sure I still don’t fully know what I have learned.

    The power of intuition…The power of manifestation. Ta
    that I am a goddess.

    Ohhh…Graceful acceptance of what is.

    That nothing, in the world is an affront, to me. There is no insult, only knowledge and growth.

    Everything boils down to feelings. Humanity.

    I create my own reality. Whoever I choose to be around has an effect on my reality, yet, how I choose to see them and respond to them and dance with them is within my control. And I must remember my own impact on their reality. Simultaneous reality creation!

    That lesson feels orgasmic.

    Thank you 2012.



  238.  #238Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

    ((Curvy siren))
    ((Curvy sirens exH))



  239.  #239Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I’m so lost right now because I don’t have a permanent place to live. I feel displaced, insecure, like I lost myself when I lost my house. “It’s only a house” well it was MY house …. I feel like I’ve lost myself by not having a space if my own… I’m having a hard time figuring our what to do next ….



  240.  #240Starla on December 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

    welp i guess i can go home from work but i will miss all of you! aw i wish i had the internet at home.



  241.  #241Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I have a lot to be thankful for… I feel Ive lost my dignity moving in with family friends… It’s a situation where my “switch” went off and I no longer feel comfortable ….. I want my life back….



  242.  #242Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Emerson – New Year new beginnings. As long as there is life there is hope. There is a lot more where that came from.



  243.  #243Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    What was your dignity packaged in?



  244.  #244Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    I have so many things that are good, but I’m feeling panicky and lonely like I’m missing something…I wish I had kids…

    Shouldn’t I have a husband and kids to spend xmas with…??? Why don’t I ?? Why am I so dysfunctional ?!?! I don’t know what to do..

    I feel panicked and like a failure… I feel fearful and angry at myself for wasting time with toxicEx ….too many years…

    Who would I have been without him?

    I feel guilty for being negative on the blog where people are feeling cheery and having breakthroughs and I feel like a dark shadow …



  245.  #245Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Fw my dignity was packaged in my ability to provide for myself, success, independent…. I lost it all I’m this $hit market… I feel angry and cheated…



  246.  #246Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I am starting over and it’s very hard for me to feel positive
    Thank you fw for your words tho yes it is a new year but it feels like its going to be the same old $hit



  247.  #247Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    (((Emerson)))



  248.  #248Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Emmerson – Think of just one positive thing and focus on that. I know when I am overwhelmed (I have lost my home before and felt paniced because I had nowhere to go for myself and my 3 sons) – it is very hard to keep your head up, but find just one glimmer of something good that you can focus on. You know how it works . . . The Law of Attraction . . .

    For me, it always helped the think, “This is the bottom. This is what it feels like to be at my lowest. I’m going to stop digging in this nasty hole and look up and soon I will be at the top and in the sunshine again on with my life. One little baby step and fresh breath at a time.



  249.  #249Indigo on December 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    ((((Emerson))))

    Please don’t worry about being a dark shadow.

    Almost all of us have been in that dark place, and I feel that this is a community which will hold you safely till you come out the other side. xx

    Happy Christmas to all Sirens. It’s Christmas here in South Africa in just under 2 hours. xx



  250.  #250Emerson on December 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Thank you indigo and calypso
    Wow I feel teary
    Also thanks to all the other sirens that responded to me and my earlier posts

    I have not heard from blueCD today
    It’s ok



  251.  #251CurvySiren10 on December 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    ((((Emerson)))) You are SO not a “dark shadow”! Sending you many hugs. I feel sad to hear the despair in your words. It will get better. I am sure the feelings of displacement are adding to your angst… sending you so many hugs.



  252.  #252Femininewoman on December 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Emerson I am imagining myself jumping up for joy and clapping my hands. I felt so overjoyed and happy when I read what you wrote – “my ability”. It is not in the house or the job. It is in your ability. Can you see that you have that still. As long as you have that and constantly wonder how you can use it to get you to where you want to go your unconscious mind will find a way.



  253.  #253Tam on December 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Emerson…I have been where you are, by the sounds of it a very similar place at least. It will get better. I promise. I am still in an unsure and precarious situation and I also felt like I lost my dignity moving in with familyearlier – and they practically told me how pathetic that was.
    Life changes all the time, not only for the worse but also for the better. I just had the best december ever but must say that a lot of it I started fabricating in my mind – and things happened one by one.
    They will for you.
    I cried many Xmases.
    Now I smile because I have me. And I know I can survive anything.



  254.  #254MovingMagic on December 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Emerson, sometimes starting over is the greatest gift the universe can give you. It’s such an amazing time to discover & really channel into your true passions & gifts. In my experience, following my passions have lead to an incredibly rewarding life. *Find what you love… and do more of it.* πŸ˜‰



  255.  #255Indigo on December 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    I feel all happy and glowy. πŸ™‚



  256.  #256Daria on December 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    oh i get it pimp and hoeing life is like BDSM in that theres a scene and *role* people play and

    one person talks shit and the other person doesnt and theres a power imbalance and that makes it feel soo exciting and sexually charged hmmmm

    imbalance = dynamic unequilibrium = > life

    yeah

    okay

    i get it

    same w romance diff *roles*

    hmmmmmm

    wat do i like to play

    the role of the STar

    i was playing a role w this guy and he told me lol i talk shit and you dont get to talk shit but its basically…

    i have to Agree to it…

    its like BDSM

    lol

    sooo funny craxy



  257.  #257Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I just changed my profile picture on POF and updated myself to “Looking for a Relationship” . . . WTF? why did I do that? I just got through saying I was not going to do that! I am not ready for a relationship . . . sometimes I just don’t get me. Boredom is a dangerous thing! I still have over an hour to sit here with nothing to do – heaven protect me from myself – lol. ugh.



  258.  #258Daria on December 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    i am so excited to have great sex (im judging myself for being repetitive and was about to make a self depracating joke here)

    this guy i attracted on the phone seems like he is trying, but not really getting me (too! just like the last one) uffff

    he doesnt have a car and i dont have a firm boundary on that and that feels like it leads to a lot of no fun suggestions from men cuz after all what can they suggest w no car and cold outside?

    i dont see How they can win

    do I have to see how they can win?

    just turn this guy away till he has a car?

    i feel frustrated

    i feel sad

    i love my feelings

    wow so cool to notice im feleing that way



  259.  #259Daria on December 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    maybe i could get much more better sex w No Name CD if i just keep practicing

    i feel… so ambiguous about it

    i kinda feel mad to feel so ambiguous

    i mean i could just ‘repick’ again

    does that make me a ‘slut?

    should i just stick it out w no name Cd bec hes calm

    and takes good care of himself

    and is reasonably inclined to make me happy

    eeek that doesnt feel good enough does it

    no….

    but what if im juding it

    well it is for me…

    do i like it?

    i feel guilty

    and i ALWAYS feel guilty

    its a theme of mine

    i dont know what to trust

    im gonna let the waves roll and not figure it out



  260.  #260Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    29 more minutes before I can leave work and finally stop watching GM’s name on FB to see if his dang green light is going to pop on – torture to my soul.



  261.  #261Francesca on December 24, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Merry Christmas Sirens! xoxo



  262.  #262Calypso on December 24, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Merry Christmas!



  263.  #263Tereana on December 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Happy Holidays to everyone!

    I’ve already celebrated Hanukkah, but this still feels like general “holiday” time, because everything shuts down and people mostly go and spend time with family or friends. This year, I am actually doing the same.

    And I found the most annoying thing while I was packing my bag for my trip. While I was cleaning out the bag pockets, I found a piece of paper in which I has written myself “notes” about questions I wanted to ask my new/old CD on our second date. My main big question, right at the top of the list was “what are your relationship goals? What do you want to have/feel in a relationship?”

    Great question, right? Good time to ask it? Yes!

    Did I ask it? No!

    And if I HAD – well, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and a lot of trouble.

    I would have found out my answer right then and there, instead of having to deal with the mishegas of him then asking ME the question the next day by email, and at the same time, GIVING me the answer – which was less than satisfactory, in that is was in no way in line with my goals and did absolutely zero to further the relationship. Or it went forward, and back, and ended at a big fat zero. And in the end, I was just pissed that he had wasted my time. When really, it would have been fine if I’d just remembered to ask the question.

    But instead, I became heavily seduced by his dashing good looks, his sincere vibe, and the way he so confidently placed his hand on my leg. Both sexual, and yet not too pushy or invasive – allowing me to come into the space. And while he was kissing me, I FORGOT all my questions. I forgot everything except what was happening in the moment.

    Surrendering myself to feeling in the moment (like a good siren, I guess), I got swept off my feet and forgot to check things out about where I was going. I didn’t even care, at that point. But I would have cared. If I had known that his intentions were less than honorable. He was a cheater and a taker, and great at seducing and manipulating. That’s the best I can figure. I can never pet myself get taken in by him again. Which is why I won’t go near him – even casually.

    But I was so annoyed when I found the note. Oy. I could have just asked the question. I wanted to. But I got sidetracked. Waylaid by pleasure in the moment. I love myself for that.

    I’m so adorable and lovable that when someone is kissing me, I am no longer “alpha b*tch” masculine woman. I’m just cute, cuddly softness who forgets everything but what I am feeling and experiencing. And that’s just great.

    It’s okay that I didn’t ask. I got the information that I needed…



  264.  #264Daria on December 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    wow i feel thrilled… i used to wonder how GuyWho had so many women he could connect with… like 3 per day

    and now *I* have that many men wint CD!!

    omg how exciting!

    i feel finally empowered! πŸ™‚ yayyy

    yeee



  265.  #265Tam on December 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I feel amused. I posted a pic of Curly and his cake and everybody is telling me ‘aw, he looks cute’.
    No folks, he does not look cute!! He looks like a 60 year old….24 years older than me!! Yes, he looks good but please people don’t egg me on…lol.



  266.  #266Daria on December 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    im living their life from back then…

    that was their prime, this is my prime

    maybe…

    hmmm

    πŸ™‚

    yay great sex is coming

    like Christmas

    wooo hooooo

    its raining sparkly blazing great sex

    woo hooo



  267.  #267Tereana on December 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I am loving the “tone” on the blog today. It feels back to being supportive awesome siren juiciness! πŸ™‚

    Starla – I’m so excited to hear about your Reiki training! That is awesome!! : )

    And I didn’t get to read about what happened w/ QZ bc I’m reading on my phone, but it sounds positive. Can’t wait to read it!

    Emerson – I totally get what you are saying. It’s not “just a house.” it was totally a part of you and a part of your life, and now it’s missing. I feel like loving your “hot mess” right now (if that’s what it is – you can make up your own term if you want.) things aren’t what you want, but you know what you want, and where you’d rather see yourself. They don’t match up, and that’s okay. You’re still okay, just the way you are. With or without house, with or without husband. you are still awesome, and you’re Emerson, and you Rock. If you lose something, you can gain something. Flexibility works both ways.

    I feel like making a big Dream Book of all the things I want. I think that would be a nice New Year’s gift to myself πŸ™‚



  268.  #268Luzydel on December 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    So “D” contacted me; Then he said I could talk to him about everything; then today he texted me to say he hopes I feel better everyday; And I am like “is he on drugs” lol I know this is my negative attitude towards men being nice to me. Maybe he just needed the space… Who knows, I am just taking care of me now, Made dinner for my son and I and then open gift at midnight with him. I feel so lucky!

    πŸ™‚



  269.  #269Luzydel on December 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    If it’s not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you, Luzydel. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life’s prayer of becoming and its answer.

    The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that I might know my own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion.

    A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen.

    To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity – traits of the immortal – your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as what we feel for you.

    Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.

    This is the time of year we celebrate Luzdel.

    Bowing before Greatness,

    The Universe



  270.  #270GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    “Come, tell me all your troubles…”

    “I feel cranky…”

    Kisses to the beat of the music all over my face…Not feeling so cranky anymore.



  271.  #271k2012 on December 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Merry Christmas to u all ladies. Thanks for that great post Rori. Wishing u all an enjoyable christmas season and all the best for the new year. What are u all doing for Christmas? I am almost finished packing to go out of town tomorrow for our family christmas dinner at my grandmother’s house. The family is meeting there and the following day and a few days after, I will be at my parents. Tomorrow I know my grandmother will ask the usual question? I bet u ccan guess what that is-when are u getting married? U got it. She phrases her question a different way- she asks if I am not going to let her eat cake before she dies. She is 101 years old. God has blessed her with long life. My dear parents, are not asking me that question. They know the difficulty I have been through in meeting the right man and they understand. The day I tell them I am getting married, they will be happy for me of course. I am 46 years old. Hairdresser/relationship counsellor tells me I will get married before I am 50. I am trying to organize meeting up with friends when I get back from my parents. I feel a bit lonely these days. My sister in my country is taking home her guy to our family dinner. U know the feeling u get when a sibling has her guy and u don’t. I feel a bit awkward. I know some of u can identify with that. That’s why I am trying to link up with friends when I return from my parents. U feel lonely as there is no guy to partner with u, u know what I mean. Will go on the dating sites between now and New year.



  272.  #272k2012 on December 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Some friends are a bit boring I have to admit. While some are looking forward to socialize with u, there is a particular friend I have, although she is nice, everytime I suiggest we go somewhere, she finds every excuse in the book not to go. She invited me for a weekend at her house sometime ago. It was really enjoyable. I have since invited her back and she couldn’t make it. I understood. Invited her long after that and she told me she preferred to come on a holiday weekend. A friend of mine and myself were planning to go a hotel for the New years Weekend (we are not going again) and I invited her. She had an explanation which was quite reasonable and made another proposal but hasn’t brought it up since. I am not going to suggest linking up with her again. I will make arrangements with other friends. Do u guys have many friends and for those of u who are single, how are u organizing your holidays? Also, a girlfriend and I are planning on going to a nice restaurant when I return from my parents. She has a boyfriend and u girls know I am single. Naturally its the 2 of us going. I hoping I can meet a nice guy there. I have a male friend. We all went to Graduate School together. He is married so u know he is out as a prospect. I am thinking of inviting him along with me and my friend at the hang out spot. Do u think that if I invite him along, he might be a detterrent to me meeting someone or it doesn’t matter? What do u think? My girlfriend is living with someone so she is not interested in anyone. Would love to hear from u ladies. Smile #129, thanks for that re circular dating.



  273.  #273Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    ‘i have manically driven myself to disgrace’

    maybe im manic depressive

    ahhh i want my yin

    im drying myself out

    im not gona stop yet

    i dont want to stop

    i feel uncomfortable

    i want to change the uncomfrotableness without stopping

    i dont want to stop

    escape from killer island

    oh im starting to feel more like i can see better



  274.  #274Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    omg!

    my inner child’s been screaming for rest, and i just told her we’re going to sleep before 10 30 tonite as a Christmas present and she totally relaxed

    wow!

    and now if i Do get invited to something, i also have these delicious plans already!



  275.  #275Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    i did not know thats what it was…

    so cool!

    so my lil girl actually wants to sleep Early…

    yum cuz i feel so refreshed when i get that Pita healing time at nite…



  276.  #276Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    that Fire song harmonizing

    that lushness



  277.  #277Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Neighbor CD is finally inviting himself over



  278.  #278Tereana on December 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    K2012 – on the friends question: yes!!

    I actually just recently had to “let a friend go” because she was behaving on this way. When she “led” and invited me to do something, which only happened once, I went with her and her friends, and we had a great time. But any time I’ve asked her to do something, she’s come up with excuses not to. And in at least one case, her excuse was that she didn’t want to spend money. And when I said that I could get her in for free, she *still* didn’t want to go. She literally had no excuse. She just didn’t want to. I felt do frustrated, but there was nothing I could do (I went to the thing myself, met friends, and had a great time, but it did nothing to strengthen my friendship with her.)

    Well, more recently, there were a couple more incidents. I don’t even think she fully “gets it.” but when we had plans for Saturday night – checked and confirmed with place and time on friday, she suddenly told me on Saturday that she couldn’t make it and could I meet on Sunday? I said no. I couldn’t. And to myself, I says, “enough is enough.”

    It’s like trying to date. Guy who’s “just not that into you.” when he calls, you’ll go, but there’s not that much effort on his part. Not worth it.

    I told her we could be friendly acquaintances, but that it was costing me too much to be friends and that I wouldn’t make and with her anymore.

    Even if she doesn’t “get it,” at least inspire my mind.

    And no, you’re not crazy. It happens. Just like with guys – you can take care of yourself! And you don’t need “cheap friendship” to validate you…



  279.  #279Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    i embrace myself… so you can embrace your love 4 me



  280.  #280Daria on December 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    whoa triggered me on the other end of the stick, this girl is so controlling if i cancel to g o to the club w her im like damn girl its not like you need me to drive to get there or somthing

    hmm

    i feel uncomfortable with experctations in friendship sometimes my girls are unavailable me too and sometimes stuff doesnt come thru

    there is an unspoken code of comofortableness about that like not if someone said theyre coming to pikc u up in 30 min adn you leave



  281.  #281Daria on December 24, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    okay i get it

    im turned off of some guys cuz they seem hesitant/little sexual experience/skill

    and i have been attracting lots of these guys

    and then thats how i wind up w guys that dont know how to please me or even that they would like to please me

    oops

    ok thanks for noticing that Daria

    i feel rocked



  282.  #282Rori Raye on December 24, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Joanne, Welcome – and I work differently. I think it’s important to say what you’re feeling, acknowledge everything, and process through it. I’m not about “manifesting” – I’m about expressing and loving. Love, Rori



  283.  #283Rori Raye on December 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Ginger – I’m so aware of hypersensitivity and chronic illness and allergies, and know how difficult it is living with others when you feel the need to control your environment. This man was angry at you BEFORE he got in the car. THAT’S where to start the conversation. Also – I assume you’re working with a holistic doctor on this stuff? It can be in the liver, in the hormones…and there are a lot of ways to go, EFT, NLP, diet, supplements and otherwise, to help. If this man is consistently weird with you, dump him, otherwise – just handle stuff the way you did here, and let it go. Love, Rori



  284.  #284Tereslyn on December 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Merry Christmas to all. I feel content tonite. I am leaning back In my current long distant relationship or at least trying to. I want to start doing things that make me happy , dating myself and CDing too. I feel nervous but excited. This blog has helped me to feel less lonely and I am glad about that.



  285.  #285Tereslyn on December 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Is the current opinion of most to not call or text a man ? And if he asks me to do something for new years should I decline? Say I have plans even if I don’t especially if he asks me last minute? I want him to make the effort not me, right?



  286.  #286Starla on December 24, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    I had to get out of the house so i came to village inn to enjoy a breakfast feast for 1 with WIFI! hehe

    so glad i left home. i felt like i was wilting!



  287.  #287Starla on December 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    i am thinking a lot about how i should make developing my social life a priority… i’m always getting invitations to various things with people i’m not all that close with, and i turn them down because i’m a proud loner. but lately i have been accepting more invitations and feeling awkward but they invite me out again! And then it doesn’t feel so awkward and i’m glad i made a new friend!



  288.  #288Smile on December 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Happy Christmas sirens x



  289.  #289Smile on December 24, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    It’s 4am. I’ve woken up feeling anxious.



  290.  #290k2012 on December 24, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Yes Tereana. Saw ur response. I see what u mean. Its like they want to do things on their terms only right? Imagine she made arrangements with u and cancelled at the last moment. That is disrespectful. While the same friend and I talk on the phone a lot, at times u will certainly want to hang out and chat. but I remember when I invited her for the weekend and she said she preferred to come a holiday, I was taken aback a little later when I thought about it. I am the one inviting her and therefore I have to invite her when its best for me. I didn’t even remember to tell her that I had plans for that holiday weekend. It was afterwards I remembered that I didn’t tell her that I would not be available. Aftewrwards, the trip that I had planned for that holiday weekend was postponed but I still went out of town as I love to be out of town for the long weekend. So when I invited her this time around for the New years weekend to hang out with me and another friend and she came up with another excuse again and a new offer, I said to myself that while we will remain friends, I am not inviting her anywhere with me. Don’t be surprised if I tell u a few months from now that we have drifted apart. Its like u are making an offer to someone and they reject it and come with a counter offer (a new offer made by them. Yes its like dating. True. U know when someone is not that into u. As soon as I realize something like this with a friend, if it continues, I usually pull away. Same sort of friend discussion my sister and I had a while ago. She was telling me a situation of a friend who wasn’t showing much interest in her but calling another friend who she seemed more interested in. When I see things like this, it is just a matter of time when I take time pull away as I am not going to ‘run down anyone’- in other words showing interest in someone who is not interested in me.



  291.  #291Tereana on December 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Uuugggghhhh. I canNOT do this. Apparently. I cannot just “lean back” and be feminine. I can’t just “enjoy” my life and let it unfold. I can’t just let people come to me and suggest things be going with the “flow” and all that…

    (fyi, funny note – just as I was writing that paragraph, someone texted me. Lol!)



  292.  #292Tereana on December 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    Uugghh…still. So. Masculine.

    Even when I don’t * think* I’m being masculine, I’m being masculine. It leaks out of my pores, or something. Grah



  293.  #293GlowStix on December 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    I pulled a full stop on the precipice of orgasm to finish him off.

    No. So wrong! I felt waves of ick after and so fully cranked when I woke up. Did that one to myself.

    I feel at ease with it. Noted and amended.



  294.  #294Radlove on December 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    GingerSky,

    38 = Eww, how rotten and controlling of him! I would feel angry, too. Rori said at each juncture, we have the choice to say no. I know if it were me, I would say no, at least temporarily, to get some distance and communication going. That was very petty of him.

    I hope in the future when someone is so inconsiderate as to leave a door hanging open, you take care of YOU and close it, no matter who the he11 might get triggered!



  295.  #295GingerSky on December 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    Thanks, Radlove! I was wondering why I didn’t just close the door, yeah. Maybe I was huddled up to get warm and didn’t wanna stick my arm out again… too slow on the take. Yes, I should’ve just closed the door. Sigh. Lol.

    I’ve been distant, no BS, not amused, and very professional today. That’s just how I honestly felt. The new people we have here seem immature to me, and I feel bored and disinterested… like I can’t be myself and I’m tired of giving so much… things are rolling in a way I didn’t sign up for here, not my bag so to speak. I did my job very well today though, and the woman who’s here jumped in my sh*t bc she didn’t like something I was saying… there was some conflict. I stood my ground but NSM didn’t back me. Much dialog is going on between us, but we didn’t get to the car window thing today.

    These are typical occasional dynamics in intentional community, esp as new people cycle in and out and each wave brings new directions… but I dream of starting my own community bc the pieces I am interested in here (processing, shadow work, thorough communication, a certain kind of grounded common sense and caring, etc… the things NSM seemed to start off being more focused on) are being pushed farther and farther to the edge of the table. Something is cooking to propel me forward into greater visions for my life… bigger things with greater depth… where I can spread my wings and grow in the soul direction that’s really authentic for me.

    Maybe it all begins by just acting to close the car door when I need to without worrying about anyone;s trigger. This feels true.

    Thank you, dearest Radlove.



  296.  #296GingerSky on December 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    #287 Starla, I think I need to do the same. Word up!

    I have to do this regularly every couple of years or so, or I can wind up very isolated… I seldom find people who are into things that vibe with me, but I feel excited to do this this coming year… I’m in that headspace today where I feel shocked, strikingly clear, confused, realizing that what I’ve seen in people and things here isn’t (any longer) what I really hoped and thought it was… and I am outgrowing it. I’ll be where I am for awhile, but the winds of change are blowing.

    Things where I am are suddenly shifting to become too much like the ways of living I was trying to get away from all my life which was why I stayed here… NSM is rolling with whoever shows up here in order to get certain of his goals met, instead of cementing some of our deeper ideas and then teaching them to newbies before proceeding with the external goals… so weird and different from how he has been all his life. That’s fine for them, but I do need some new friends all of a sudden now. If our project here becomes like the rest of the culture (no offense to anyone, I’m just not into our modern dominant culture myself anymore), I’ll have little reason to remain for more than another year or two at most… I want funding to do my own vision, and I’m connected with some grant writers, so who knows what could happen.

    I’m working on a blog about the things I’m interested in, honest communication, dealing with triggers, etc, and more. I can’t wrap my head around how to wrap all that into one blog (and I have no really idea how to even do a blog, and I’m not entirely qualified in my areas of interest (yet)… but I’m gonna try it anyway, along with the other projects I’m working to crank up out of nearly nothing. (Radlove, my business I was referring to is a high end craft… nothing exciting, elaborate or spectacular (yet), but simple high quality and apparently not common(?) It will be on Etsy soon, I created a shop for myself there a few days ago. You’ll be able to see it soon, as it starts off small πŸ™‚ Thanks for asking the other day!

    Here’s a teaser for it, Rad: designer quality silk chiffons from Manhattan, silk threads from West Germany, a Russian tailor, and a woman from the Appalachian mountains and woods of North Carolina. (that’s one of my taglines πŸ™‚



  297.  #297Vi on December 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    I feel admiration and I feel envious too of how easy MH expresses his dont wants and boundaries. I want that too! I usually feel defensive and disturbed and cornered when smth. violates my boundaries. It feels like me treating others badly and feeling huilty because of that. So I hired him to teach me a lesson about boundaries. It feels interesting and important. Thank you me. And I love my trained themes.



  298.  #298Vi on December 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Yes, I think I am being ‘violent’ having my personal opinion and preferences even concerning my own self. I feel giggly. I feel sad and guilty violating what feels important to my true personality. I love my guilt. I love my sadnese. Thank you for helping me to know myself better. I love tightness in my tummy. I love my tummy.



  299.  #299GingerSky on December 24, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    #283 Rori, wow thanks so much. I feel all wrapped up by your understanding about the MCS… that feels like moisture on a dry sponge inside of me, a hug for the palces I never usually expose to anyone, wow. Was scrolling thru getting SO much out of everyone’s posts, Luzydel, Tereana, Daria, k2012… aaah, yes that feels good, and then a message from Rori. Feels like Christmas!

    He was angry before… wow, yeah. What a revelation and different perspective. Now I wish I’d said that immediately (which would have been very Siren-like, as I have done things like this before and it is SOOO powerful and soft, so safe and clear and full of wholeness… instead of getting triggered so badly like I did and shutting down). And he would have likely given an honest answer. It’s not too late… and I get in this mode more with him when I’m leaning back a lot… to notice the root of things he does and not get caught up in the shock of the moment, my feelings of injustice and inequity, and getting caught off guard, destabilized, in victim stance… this is a big piece for me in what your work does for me, Rori. It gets me back in my power, standing right side up instead of listing, where I can see clear to the horizon and not just caught in my own little small-focus.



  300.  #300Vi on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    I know tummy fast good may not feel that awesome and I feel guilty feeding you with it but it was the only option.. lets focus on feeling grateful for what we had, ok? Let’s thank that food for being there for us and being a part of us now. Feeling not hungry feels good too, right?



  301.  #301Luzydel on December 25, 2012 at 12:19 am

    I started to feel lonely; and nostalgic… I wish I had a partner with me today… These Cding stuff feels so empty. I want something deeper…



  302.  #302Sassy on December 25, 2012 at 3:49 am

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Love and good wishes and kisses!



  303.  #303BeLoved on December 25, 2012 at 3:56 am

    I read this article when it was first published and it was on my mind again this morning when I woke up.
    This was my first introduction to the idea of “circular dating”, although that’s not what she calls it.

    Check out her description of her man that she married!

    Finding Love: Is it Different for Radical Homemakers?

    Thanks, most especially, are owed to [my husband,] Bob. He keeps the girls quiet every morning while I work. He brings breakfast to my desk and keeps my coffee cup full so that I don’t have to be interrupted. He sits with me for hours, reviewing ideas, challenging concepts, helping me to interpret research. He listens to the radio, tracks news stories and reads magazines, finding bits of information that contribute to my research. He sells books at every lecture, does all my PowerPoints for me, chooses and irons my clothes, packs my suitcase, washes my dishes, does the laundry, edits every one of my books and articles and claims to love my cooking. He cherishes me, makes me laugh, and fills my life with friendship, joy, humor, and unconditional love.

    http://www.yesmagazine.org/blogs/shannon-hayes/finding-love-is-it-different-for-radical-homemakers



  304.  #304Femininewoman on December 25, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Thanks Sassy and K2012. Same to you and all. Looking for magic and miracles in 2013



  305.  #305k2012 on December 25, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Merry, merry christmas to u ladies. Going to start cooking my christmas dinner now for my trip later. Love, peace and Joy to u all.



  306.  #306Heart on December 25, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Hi Blog – CuddleyGrinch wrote me back…
    and
    he asked me to go out with him when he gets back!!

    Men don’t make any sense.
    I feel so happy….
    so surprised!
    My intuition is off!!



  307.  #307Tereana on December 25, 2012 at 5:10 am

    I give up. I can’t sleep, even though I’m tired.

    I know now why I always seem to get “crumbs” from friends and dates. Because that’s what I’m used to. I am not used to being treated like a queen, even in my own family. I’m like and afterthought.

    This is the first year that I’ve come home at Christmas time since I moved west. Granted – I know my mom wants me to be here, because she helped pay for the ticket. But hospitality and welcoming are not exactly her thing.

    In the car, when she picked me up, she stressed me out so much, because she was talking a mile a minute, really frantically, and I haven’t slept all night. it was so bad, I cried. But I spoke up. I asked her to shift the tone a little. And she didn’t quite get it at first, which stressed me more. But I closed my eyes, I breathed deeply, and then I got a really good visual. I imagined myself like mermaid, and I was clinging to a rock in the ocean. The waves of the emotion around me rocked me gently, but the rock was solid – and the rock was inside me. I imagined all the details and I felt better.

    Then, later on, I asked to go straight back to my grandmother’s house, where I’m staying. She mumbled something about sheets. Turned out she didn’t have time to get sheets on the bed. Well, they were “on” the bed, in a rumpled pile. Not exactly made up nicely.

    And maybe she thought she would do it later. But this is the kind of thing that feels like “crumbs.” like instead of really preparing for me, and wanting to make me comfortable, she does the absolute minimum, and then talks about it like she did everything in the world. She “washed the sheets herself.” she gets to be a martyr and if I feel bad, then it’s my fault, because she worked so hard, and I should feel grateful, not complaining. But I want to feel special. I want to feel treated like a queen.

    But it’s hard to expect that when even your own mother doesn’t know how to treat you like someone special…

    This is going to be an interesting week πŸ™



  308.  #308Heart on December 25, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Merry Christmas blog!!



  309.  #309Heart on December 25, 2012 at 5:33 am

    I feel so happy…
    I feel warm inside..



  310.  #310Heart on December 25, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Im going to keep Cding though…
    Not going to keep focusing on one guy…
    Why didn’t he ask me out before he left?
    hmmm…



  311.  #311Tam on December 25, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Heart, wow!!!



  312.  #312Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 5:51 am

    K2012

    Re: “friendships” I am in the same boat… Very few friends – i certainly lack the ability to “keep” them. My problem is I have no idea why? There must be a reason I guess…Β 

    I think I need to start with being my own best friend first. This blog and Rori’s advice is amazing for reminding me of that lesson.

    I worry that I’m a very in-articulate person with a very poor use of grammer. And because of this I often feel very patronised by others. I have noticed it’s also a downward spiral. If people ignore me or dismiss me I more or less stop talking and switch off. I also switch off to my emotions.Β 

    I am really good at taking notice of other peoples emotions and not my own. But then I end up getting jealous and snipey with other people because I feel my needs are being ignored. And I feel embarrased to even voice them – here or anywhere.

    But hey-ho that’s the way it is!Β 

    If I’m relaxed in peoples company then suddenly my confidence levels go up and I become a lot more eloquent. But hey I guess I still need to take responsibility for this and not go into my usual pattern of blaming others…

    I feel paranoid and dismissed at times, but again I need to take responsibility for this. I keep repeating to myself “I can love me, I can be there for me, I can understand me even when no-one else does”. Sort of like being your own best friend.

    I just had an incident where I felt like a friend was “snapping” at everything I said. I began to feel paranoid and started “apologising” for what I was saying, and I felt guilty for “annoying” her.

    All this stuff I need to work on…



  313.  #313Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 5:53 am

    Heart ! Second wow!! Yay for you!



  314.  #314Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Tereana

    OMG !! It is like you are describing my own mother!!! Yikes that is sooo close to what I go through. Almost identical.Β 

    The scenario with the sheets I have been though that exact same thing!

    One year when I came home from university she told me that she had had my bedroom decorated for me. I felt super chuffed and excited about this. She really made a big thing about how she had got this done for me. I thought “wow”.

    Anyway, when I got home and went upstairs the bedroom barely looked any different and also all my furniture was just piled up in the middle of the room. Like she hadn’t bothered to put anything back nicely.Β 

    Also boy, can I relate to thr incessant talking!!



  315.  #315Heart on December 25, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Rebecca & Tam – yup. I know…I felt happy at first but….
    now I feel a little angry…
    Was he playing it cool or something?
    I feel confused by him….
    I was So Disappointed & hurt…
    …not sure if I want to Eagerly accept his invitation…
    I feel Happy & Excited by the thought of seeing him…
    but I also feel jerked around a bit…
    I felt So Sad last weekend…
    Why didn’t he follow up sooner….
    Anyway…I’m going to be happy…
    but not get invested like before…
    Not exactly sure what to say to him..
    He ignore my whole – I want to be friends thing.



  316.  #316Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Also…

    Whenever i think of the subject of being given “crumbs” I always think of the Winnie The Pooh story about Eeyore Birthday.Β 

    The story goes that Pooh and Piglet are taking a present each to Eeyore for his birthday. Pooh is taking him a jar of honey and Piglet takes him a balloon.

    Anyway, on the way the balloon bursts and Pooh ends up eating the honey.Β 

    So, in the end they take Eeyore the two gifts of an empty jar of honey and a burst balloon.

    But instead of being dispointed with the gift Eeyore has hours of fun putting the burst ballon into the empty jar.

    I guess I ALWAYS think of this story whenever I think of being given “crumbs” because, I guess the message is, it’s the thought that counts, even though it doesn’t always feel like that.



  317.  #317Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Heart

    I so get where you are coming from.

    Do you think you can speak to him about your concerns?

    What might he say?



  318.  #318Heart on December 25, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Rebecca – I feel confused but…I don’t want to give him too much energy…I’ve now started Cding all over again..
    and I’m fighting against wait-mode/ save yourself til he gets back mode…
    I guess my main concern is – Why didn’t u ask me out last week!!
    Aaaaaaaaah



  319.  #319Heart on December 25, 2012 at 7:57 am

    oh well…it’s Christmas yay πŸ™‚



  320.  #320Smile on December 25, 2012 at 8:04 am

    A few days ago we lost a close family member. Christmas feels saddened this year but it reminds me that life is worth living. She died young and left 3 small children.



  321.  #321Smile on December 25, 2012 at 8:06 am

    My Christmas eve date…. I felt so cared for and looked after and spoilt. It felt fun! We enjoyed a skyline view and sipped martinis. He even paid for my taxi home and helped me with my coat.



  322.  #322Heart on December 25, 2012 at 8:07 am

    sorry for your loss Smile. ((((hugs))))



  323.  #323Smile on December 25, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Thank you heart



  324.  #324Indigo on December 25, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Rebecca 316

    I love your story re: Winnie the Pooh and crumbs.

    I am trying to shift my thinking around crumbs.

    For me, this has to do with valuing myself more, rather than less. Believing that the people in my life really do love me. Because they. really. do.

    That is the reality. Sometimes a smile or a small kind gesture can be a huge statement of love.

    Sometimes the love really is there, even though it might not be packaged up in a big pretty bow.

    I have found since I have started thinking this way and noticing and appreciating the little things, I feel very, very loved. I have faith in the love people say they have for me, and I dwell on that.



  325.  #325Indigo on December 25, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Last night, when I got to D’s house, he said “there is your Christmas present”. It was the book I had wanted. He said “big suprise hey” with a silly smile but a wave of gratefulness and just pure love spread through me.

    This was after we had made love and he had done extra special and loving things to pleasure me.

    And then I went and bought dinner for us and he wanted to give me money, and I said not to worry I’ve got this (I had accepted money the previous time and he usually pays). And he expressed appreciation, and put money in my wallet anyway.

    Then he lay with me whilst I watched a show on TV that he doesn’t watch, and at one point he just gently put his arm around my waist.

    These are all little treasures I would have *so* taken for granted before, not allowed to sink in, not allowed them to let me feel truly loved. And I would have felt so easily hurt if I felt he had disappointed me.

    Ah. I feel so filled up with love today. I am contented.



  326.  #326Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Heart

    I hear what you’re saying!

    I think what you are doing is right. Practice, practice, practice…



  327.  #327R.N.AmazingMe on December 25, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Merry Christmas, much love and warm hugs to all you sirens!!



  328.  #328MovingMagic on December 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Happy Holidays, beautiful sirens! I’m grateful for everything I have in my life. My amazing, & supportive family, my caring friends, the community I have in my life. My spirit, creativity, the special kiddos I work with, music, & dance…sweet dance.



  329.  #329Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I’m thinking to call my sister and I feel such sadness

    I want to heal this

    I feel sad and scared to think ill feel dissapointed and more sad after talking w her

    ((((((((((Daria)))))))))))



  330.  #330Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    How interested… I feel excited to notice this sadness

    Babysteps



  331.  #331Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Daria, I am having similar feelings regarding my mother..

    I just feel guilty and bad inside and that I need to “reach out” to make things right.

    That “I” should “heal” this.

    I feel angry, scared, mixed up, remorseful, sorrow and very, very confused. Like I have done something “wrong”.

    Like, I don’t deserve to be loved.

    I feel to much pressure. I feel too much stress.

    I must be quiet a minute and “notice” these feelings.

    Where am I feeling them in my body?

    How does my body feel?

    What sensations am I feeling??



  332.  #332Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    I want to arrange my clothes !

    In a pretty spirally flowing way do they come right in my hand/handy when I want them…. Yay πŸ™‚

    Thank you Daria for thinking of that

    Thank you for going to sleep early.

    Thank you for pooping and peeing.

    Thank you for doing leg lifts yesterday.

    Thank you for thinking about doing a workout.

    Thank you for taking my liver herbs and my probiotic.

    Thank you for thinking of ordering the other probiotic

    Thank you for thinking of putting cash on my card

    Thank you for getting tweezers to hold my joint

    Thank you for not letting Meighbor CD stay last nite.

    Thank you for being attentive to the needs of the cat



  333.  #333Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I get “crumbs” from my mum.

    I get “crumbs” from some of my friends.

    I am “always” the listener and the sympathiser in my “relationships” with them.

    But when I have a problem they are no-where to be seen.

    Why do I accept this kind of treatment.

    This indifference and lack of involvement from my mother. She barely seems to acknowledge me. How does this make me feel?

    Let me acknowlwdge these feelings and think about them.



  334.  #334Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I really did build my Yin energy by going to sleep early !

    Wow



  335.  #335Rebecca on December 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    … I feel like I am acting like a “spoilt brat” and being very “demanding”

    I feel embarrases feeling like this

    I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel judged.

    Yuck..

    I feel stigma.

    I feel people rolling their eyes and saying.

    “lol, she is such a drama queen”

    “when is she going to grow up?”

    “why does she want us to feel sorry for her?”



  336.  #336Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I really do love my sisters yin energy. I love taking care of her and asking her about her feelings.

    I’m feeling that work up but but explaining staving off being hit w my hands in front of my face. I want to heal this

    I was at my brothers house n going to her house next. I was visiting my family for New Years.

    She doesn’t know.

    She thinks I was going to my brothers house – and I may have a romantic/too close/inappropriate relationship w him

    I want this to heal.

    I think she could read my mind?

    I feel too out there in spirit land to speak this put loud.

    It feels like explaining , too, and I feel scared I’ll trigger her and get hit.

    I want help.
    I want to heal my fear of getting hit.

    All the panic and the scrunching inside.

    All the covering up holding eyes tight shut going numb.

    All the ouchie hair pulling.

    All the sad betrayed lil Daria heart

    Wow

    I feel like I can’t handle this

    It feels tpooooo bad

    Tpooooo sad

    Mimi I just want u to be good Mimi not crazy Momi

    I feel soo shocked traumatized and awful

    This world feels so raw and terrible and Not safe.

    Not easy to live….

    People turn on you, and if they didn’t love you they could kill you – (and that is real talk)

    But even loving parents turn on you. That means the rest of the world must be Really terrible.

    You wouldn’t survive out there of you barely survive in your safety zone



  337.  #337Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    None of that has anything to do w my sister… I’m starting to ‘see’ and decouple it from her…

    Babysteps



  338.  #338Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    My shutting down is Not about her…

    She’s triggering these feelings



  339.  #339Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    This feels cool n exciting

    I feel like I’m going thru portals n waves of wonder… Kinda in my head area



  340.  #340Daria on December 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Can I be friends without worshipping her ?

    Or is worshipping her what made the friendship interesting for me

    Is if ok to worship her? Can it help me worship myself ?

    I feel scared

    I feel – turned off, not interested, if I’m not worshipping her as a goddess. Any therefor somehow infallible.

    I feel guilty

    I want to be that cool

    Help

    I feel panicked

    I’m back to worshipping her

    M feeling piny

    N practical

    I’m the one who takes care of Her?

    How can I use this to love Muself more ? worship myself more?

    Can I worship two of us?

    Which one more?

    Always md more?

    Hmm

    I feel panicked u don’t know how to worship me more

    Won’t we drift apart?

    That feels sad?

    What if it’s Vetter than before.,,

    Yeah!

    Ok

    I feel sad and scared… I don’t know where we going..,



  341.  #341Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Pinky n sky black n Chardonnay I feel like they’re goddesses of sex

    Keeping sex alive for everyone to be like yeah wow it Is amazing , celebrating sex

    Sexuality, good sex, that amazing exalted sex

    I want to see myself that way

    I usually do but now judging myself on my thighs being too tight in the back…

    I want to heal this

    I feel panicked



  342.  #342Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    He’s asking you for money cuz you were ‘nice’ n ‘fair’ n gave him some.

    U don’t see Clint asking me for money… He already knows that’s a trigger for me n not to do that

    And that’s the way it goes



  343.  #343Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I have a foot fetish kindaz. I like feet. I like kissing even a guys feet. Well I wd def kiss my own and I don’t feel good w a man who doesn’t like to touch kiss caress my feet.

    Like the ones Ove been meeting.

    I’ll call them sex shy.

    They are shy of bootie pusdy n feet.

    Hmmm

    Why do I fuchk w them ?

    I want to practice tolerance

    I feel so annoyed

    I don’t want this anymore

    I feel powerless

    I was 15 wanting to sick ties naturally… I kiss my cat and my cats feet.,. I feel exasperated

    I feel blamy

    You’re not supposed to be more prude than me!!!!!!!

    I feel frustrated icky cryi puffy poofy ugh

    I feel poopy

    I feel icky

    Wah Wah

    I want a guy who I feel conf w this way



  344.  #344Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I’m so in love w toes right now I really just want to share it w somebody

    Pfff

    Breathe

    I feel a desperation neediness

    Wanting to be touched paid attention to



  345.  #345Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    My pussy feels hot. I think of men. I get anxious and feeling icky.

    What abt doing the sideways pussy relaxation Rori teaches

    Wio it feels like my disprag is relaxing too

    Whoa weird feelings that feel good

    Mmm I feel so good

    It’s turning me on and I feel relieved of anxiety

    Effortless

    Keep breathing



  346.  #346Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Ominous heat and I kinda like it. I don’t want to get out of heat just because



  347.  #347Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Ok I see to incorporate sex and smoking weed into my life takes getting comfortable w a new routine.

    And I’m ‘in transition’ right now.

    I actually did have sex on Satirday… Even if it was only like 30 seconds of sex



  348.  #348Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

    Christmas sex

    !



  349.  #349Daria on December 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I feel annoyed with and judgemental of myself.

    I love my feelings.

    Wow how interesting.



  350.  #350Daria on December 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I wish I had a big dick going in an out of me right now

    Hmmm

    How interesting

    I feel all tightened up

    I feel unattractive when I have thoughts like that

    Who wants to be around someone addicted to an image of sex ?

    (((((((((Daria)))))))))

    This feels so confusing for me



  351.  #351Daria on December 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Thank you got eating blueberries

    I feel bummed

    I feel all sad an drained and anxious and unloved

    And hopeless

    I feel like an addict

    I feel beating up on myself

    Besting up on my choices…

    How interesting !



  352.  #352Daria on December 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Daria it’s totally ok to be the way you ate being right now

    It’s sexy to see a woman fret abt being addicted to porn n weed

    It’s sexy to have a tingly booty

    Ohhhh I’m starting to feel refreshed n paid attention to !



  353.  #353Sassy on December 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    FW,

    #304- I have been having these truly overwhelming feelings and intuition that 2013 is going to be FANTASTIC for me.

    It feels as if my businesses will be super successful and prosperous; it feels as if there will be someone very very special in my life and that I will feel true happiness and be content.

    I can’t wait to get my numerology reading for the year. My reading for 2012 was very true.

    I hope all sirens will feel and experience happiness and gather into their hearts whatever their desires are and trust their intuition. Law of Attraction is so powerful!

    I’m so excited, aghhhhhhh!!!



  354.  #354Miss Bells on December 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Christmas with the house to myself.
    HS Facebook chatted me. He wants to bring me wood–almost was going to do it today. He is alone, but it is flooding a bit up his way and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go out.

    I told him it was today or NYE, I will be gone in between. He get chatting till I said bye.

    I just don’t know…



  355.  #355Sassy on December 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    NEW THREAD UP



  356.  #356Daria on December 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Plucking at my back string feels like terror alert uhoh fear sad
    Humiliation
    (((((((Daria)))))))

    I feel scared…. I hate feeling that way… I love my discomfort

    I don’t want to tolerate feeling fear or mistrust



  357.  #357Daria on December 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Come n get me, men

    I’m here n I’m luscious n I’m in heat

    Fuchk it down baby fuchk it down…

    Woo hoo sexuality feels fun fun fun

    And thrilling

    And scary

    And embarrassing

    I love my sexuality

    Mmm I’m being very picky this time

    Head must feel good

    Yay

    Best boundary I had from the beginning

    Mmmm

    I want to get sucked n fuchked

    I feel resentful cuz I want to put that up n I

    Feel uncomfortable to as Nanny CD is ok that site.

    But he’s not doing it to me !

    And now it’s limiting me and I feel list and resentful

    And in a way More sexual sp I guess i feel excited abt that

    I want a guy to talk dirty to me n I feel scared to call out for one now

    Uffff πŸ™

    nanny Cd……

    Eeeh

    I feel guilty to him cuz he’s so nice… He gave me this weed

    I owe him loyalty no?

    And not shock and embarrassment and heartbreak

    Oh How interesting….



  358.  #358k2012 on December 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    How was ur Christmas dinner ladies? Family and I are now driving down to another town to my parents house after leaving my Grandmother’s house. My parents are leaving my grandmother’s house tomorrow and joining us at their house. So we will be there for another few days. I love the Christmas. Ladies, I pray that next year christmas for ladies who are single like myself we certainly hope we will be in a happy stable relationship and for those of us who are already in relationships we hope that these relationships will remain happy and stable.



  359.  #359Daria on December 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Mmmm I feel excited to notice im ready to have sex again… It doesn’t feel ‘too soon’

    I feel devoted to me building up to gently to having a wonderful, regular sex life.

    Yay me.

    No more sidelining falling by the wayside low prioritizing that.

    Now I’m learning how



  360.  #360Daria on December 25, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    There we go! I posted smthn I Do feel comfortable writing that I’m in love w pornos

    I feel sooo excited

    All the freaks will pick up on that πŸ™‚

    Yay !



  361.  #361Daria on December 25, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Ok some guy sent me a half makes pic and I asked him if he’s good at eating pussie… W an ie

    How creative I feel excited to embrace my sexual persona Goddess



  362.  #362k2012 on December 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Rebecca saw what u wrote. The same friend texted me today and afterward I called her to wish her merry christmas. She said nothing about the lunch that she had proposed (her counter offer to me after she explained and gave another excuse that it wouldn’t be possible to come. I found out that she had a part time job at a different institution than the part time job she currently has. I knew she had a part time job but thought it was the same place. She got it from September and I just found out by the way. She is definitely not interested. Sometime u think that u and a person are friends, when u are not. I told her about the other friend as we all went to graduate school together and she pretended not to remember although she previously told me that she had remembered. So I have decided that she will just be an acquaintance. She doesn’t seem to be interested so I will just withdraw.



  363.  #363Radlove on December 26, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    GingerSky,

    295ff – That sounds wonderful, the idea of starting your own community. I think it would be pretty easy to do,, just a matter of advertising on craigslist under shared living and then pooling together to rent a big place.

    I just sent you an email about the rest of what you said.

    Love, Radlove



  364.  #364Radlove on December 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    K2012,

    Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas! Happy Holidays, everyone!

    I had a really nice dinner made by my two sisters-in-law, which they brought to my Mom’s nursing home.

    And I feel happy because R is in communication with me again. It feels really good.



  365.  #365k2012 on December 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks Radlove. Wow, a new post is out. I missed it. Let me go over.



  366.  #366Radlove on December 30, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Happy New Year!



  367.  #367Mandy on December 31, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    LOVE this post. I feel so loving tonight…I just want to spread the love all around…I feel so happy and jubilant! I owe it to Rori that I’m spending New Year’s eve with my very favorite person. I love him so much and I want to let all the Sirens here know that it’s a fresh beginning for us, an we can make life what we want it to be because we have the power! πŸ™‚

    HAPPY NEW YEAR, Beautiful Sirens! πŸ™‚

    Mandy



  368.  #368Tereana on January 3, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Rebecca – I’m just catching up on this thread, after returning from my break. Sounds like our moms should hang out! Or at least they were apparently cut from the same cosmic cloth…And the Winnie the Pooh story made me laugh πŸ˜€



  369.  #369Tereana on January 3, 2013 at 9:28 am

    What I ended up doing was – since my mom didn’t make up the bed, I did it myself, and I got nicer sheets, and I got to do it exactly the way I like πŸ™‚ Also, I later found a mattress-cover, which I added on, to make it all more comfy and warm. If my mom had made the bed, then I wouldn’t have been able to do any of that : )

    Happy New Year! (see you on the next threads ; )



  370.  #370Love Men on January 4, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Moment by moment, feeling by feeling… I hear that. Growth is baby steps.



  371.  #371natalina on January 14, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    ! “I love my discomfort” Satiated said, ” I don’t like feeling afraid…” I loved hearing that, a very self aware statement. Feels good to stick with yourself. My body and shoulders just relaxes a bit feeling validated. THANK YOU for Daria