Loving Your “Step Back”

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The Gatekeeper croppedHere’s a gorgeous story – and universal question – from Heartbeat:

“Hi Rori :)

Today I stayed open to my feelings.

I walked around to my appointments in a dress. Feeling my hips sway, my legs exposed to the soft sunlight and my new haircut brushing the nape of my neck affectionately. I practiced taking regular soft deep breaths and I kept the channel with all my feelings in it open.

Since doing this for just even a few hours today, I’m noticing that my ‘feeling channel’ feels stronger, and rather than feeling capsized and disorientated by their appearance, I feel grateful, interested and close to tears.

“Keep the music playing! She’s listening!!”

Thank you making me aware of this part of myself.

I can feel tears on my face, like I’m welcoming an old so lovable friend home. Thank you.

I had an interaction today that I would like some help to understand better from a Rori Raye point of view.

I’m feeling a bit gross and shaky about it.

(I feel amazed how empowered and stronger I feel just admitting my feelings, like any struggle with them just drops out of me once I admit it to myself, like I’m swimming WITH the current again)

I would like to feel clearer about backing up.

Is this an afterthought or a big important piece of keeping ourselves and our feminine healthy and safe?

Today I interacted with a man and lots of feelings came up. I felt distressed, unsafe, disorientated, tense, heavy and physically sick.

Am I right in understanding that the Masculine’s solution to this can be to lean in, get creative and fix it (using masculine energy to organize, stabilize and uplift our interactions) – whereas the feminine equivalent is to step back?

I discovered today that I felt frozen and distressed. Like the thought of backing up hadn’t even occurred to me consciously and then I felt guilty, like stepping back was ‘bad,’ ‘not nice.’

Despite this, sitting here and even just thinking about stepping back (leaving the interaction, not accepting another invitation from him etc and saying no) has my feelings kissing all through my insides, “Yes Honey! Thank you for letting your instincts follow through!!”

I would like to hear how much you think being able to comfortably and confidently respond to your own feelings and step back is important and in your experience, does this improve with practice?

Is your ‘stepping back muscle’ a big contributor to the Strong in Strong Surrender?

I realize that stepping back sounds very straight forward and that you have talked about it in different ways before. I feel embarrassed vocalizing this to you.

But responding to my feelings to protect myself and keep myself safe feels very new (and exciting and scary) to me. I realize I sound like I’m asking you blatantly obvious questions, but I genuinely feel a bit shocked and awed – “Really… We don’t have to stay? We don’t have to stay somewhere that feels bad?”

In the same way I don’t want to lean forward, I don’t want to feel trapped either.

After being introduced to your programs and information Rori, I feel like a whole new way of operating and existing in the world has opened up for me and I feel free and supported and grateful!

I wanted to express myself and share with you something that might be very familiar to you, but it is new and sparkling to my eyes..

I can feel my chest shining and my eyes welling up with tears, I feel so grateful.. thank you Rori..

Love,
Heart Beat

My Answer:

Dear Heartbeat,

You’ve brilliantly answered all your questions!

Stepping Back is a great “Tool” to use when you don’t know what to do, you can’t put your finger on your exact feelings, but you know in your body something doesn’t feel right.

You know you’re not just feeling scared because you’re also excited.

You know you aren’t feeling uncomfortable just because this is something “new.”

You know it doesn’t feel good when you “lean in” and try to “solve the problem.”

Once you start experiencing this, and tuning into yourself so you slowly “eliminate” some of the possibilities – you then can learn to just “sink in” to whatever you’re feeling, and let THAT be your answer! Let THAT be your guide!

In other words – Stepping Back is a quick Tool to activate your awareness of your feelings. Once THAT kicks in – you’ll know what feels good and what feels “icky.”

Once you can begin to identify that – you’re in a fantastic place!

Now – you just follow what feels good, and Step Away from what feels icky!

And – you can always change your mind!

Feelings change. Your sense and awareness of what’s going on inside you changes.

Allow it all to be – just as it is.

Allow yourself to follow your inner clues without complete information.

Allow yourself to begin to trust yourself by simply trusting yourself one moment at a time!

Step Away, and see how that feels.

Step “In” and see how THAT feels.

Pretty soon, you’ll start to identify your patterns, your triggers, and everything will change.

Thank you, Heartbeat, for this beautiful letter – and you’re doing wonderfully!

Love, Rori

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73 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on December 5, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Such great and profound advice. Thank you.



  2.  #2Marie on December 6, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    Had my heartbroken again by the same man lying to me. Said he isnt with the ex wife but i ran right into them both together today. He just said they were not together 4 days ago then this. It feels horrible to have been sucked in by this guy. I feel so stupid and ashamed!



  3.  #3Dixie on December 6, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    Oh, I like this post.

    I’ve been in full lean back mode with D. after a distressing and harsh-feeling conversation almost 3 weeks ago. He sounded like a different man and my heart actually hurt, as in a physical ache.

    I love this idea of stepping back from a situation that feels not good. As much as part of me wishes things were different, I’m not inclined to “step forward” or “step in” at all.

    What feels better- really good in fact- has been soaking up all these different feelings, taking care of myself, eating well, running outside, and reminding myself that each day is a step forward, and I’m doing okay. All these lovely signs make me look up at the sky with gratitude and say “Yup, yup, I saw that sign”.

    Sirens, sometimes, it feels disheartening that perhaps the relationship I dream of is out of reach, but this latest round with D. really emphasized my tendencies to rush in and “rescue” a situation, like a burning pot of food, lol! But honestly, this time… well, I recognize my own neediness and insecurities in that situation, and even though I still feel a lot of tender feelings for him, my rushing in to save a situation (mostly out of fear) is definitely not the relationship I want.

    Taking a step back feels really good now, safer.



  4.  #4Dixie on December 6, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    From an earlier RR post:

    “Let’s go back to the Rori Raye Mantra.

    This is where it all started for me, and where it still lives:
    Trust Your Boundaries
    Follow Your Feelings
    Choose Your Words
    Be Surprised.

    Said in a more personal way:
    I Trust My Boundaries
    I Follow My Feelings
    I Choose My Words
    I Am Surprised

    If I feel solid inside (where my “Boundaries” are, like the Modern Siren “Rock”), I no longer need armor on my outside.

    If I follow my feelings – hear them, feel them, sink into them, experience them – I no longer need to “make stuff up” or “figure stuff out.”

    If I choose my words, I no longer have to bounce between either “spewing everything out,” or “stuffing everything down.” I have Scripts and options.

    If I allow myself to be surprised, I no longer have to control a man.

    For me, everything I need is here…”

    (Perfect, right?)



  5.  #5Mandy on December 6, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    Indigo, from what you described about a man not wanting to disappoint you because you’re so high value to him…this sounds exactly on the dot cotrect. He tends to feel a bit chappy about himself so he probably doesn’t want to disappoint me. I wonder what I could script to him.



  6.  #6Lyra on December 6, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Is true!
    When he looks at me I just stop, smile and let myself BE, then the silence, that is uncomfortable for most couples, become relaxing, like an oasis from the world, then, that moment I become “THE Yummie Pinky Pie” for him. The he stops “The boat” and let it float, I relax and do nothing, he leans and kisses me… I feel happy!



  7.  #7Mandy on December 6, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    Yeah, I’m feeling out of touch with him and confused and bewildered. It’s probably not because he’s being mean persay he’s probably just feeling weird.

    Thing is though he makes the plans, and then he has to cancel because something he needs to do comes up and he explains he’s very upset he has to cancel. I don’t sense that he’s lying. But I wonder why it has happened four times. I bet Indigo is right.

    I noticed he was checking out some of my new photos and showing them some love. That’s always something that feels good, lol.

    Would it be okay to say to him when I get the chance,

    “I feel bummed when we’re supposed to get together but something comes up. I don’t like to be pushy, so I don’t want to pressure you about it. I’m just a bit confused as to what to do, because it would feel great to see you. Can we schedule something for when we both have time off? I can meet you halfway there. What do you think?”

    What do the Sirens think? Because he may not know I’m this distraught about the situation. I am though.



  8.  #8Indigo on December 7, 2015 at 12:53 am

    Mandy,

    The reason I commented on your situation is because exactly the same thing happened with me with Bush Boy. When he and I met it was practically love at first sight.

    And he would send me these sweet, adorable messages and tell me how much he missed me. And he would make plans over and over – I think it was 6 times in total – and something would come up with family or work. Oddly enough I never doubted his sincerity – which is unusual, because normally my bullshit radar is extremely sensitive and I give a guy a wide berth if he seems uninterested, especially early on. But it was different in this case. He kept telling me that he missed me, and how wonderful it would be to see me, and he seemed absolutely sincere. At the same time he was also saying things like long distance doesn’t work, that he had to devote time to his career for the time being and that he had to spend time with his family. Again as I say, I found no reason at all to doubt him. And I looked, believe me. All the answers were right there, in his words and in his actions, and even in my gut and in my feelings.

    There’s another thing which we keep hearing over and over again – guys take our happiness very personally, and if they can’t make us happy they blame themselves. They’d rather run than live with this feeling. In my case, I have to let Bush Boy go to pursue his career – I’m so happy for him and proud of him. And take care of myself.

    What I did do in the end with Bush Boy, and it did work – because I could no longer handle the disappointment of looking forward to seeing him and then it didn’t materialise, but I didn’t want to push him away either – was I asked him to please rather only call me when he was sure, even if it was 5 minutes before (obviously then I could say if I was available or not), so I didn’t get my hopes up. He never made idle plans with me again and it was at this point that he pulled back a lot – but this is a good thing. The way I see it, he knew he couldn’t quite give me what I wanted, so he’d rather pull back than disappoint me.

    I’m sorry to say but I’m going to be honest, but Mandy your script to him sounds like trying to bring about a particular outcome, rather than just purely expressing your truth and your feelings. Your script has the feeling of trying to control him into seeing you more, when this may not be on his agenda at all. You are scripting for the purpose of getting what you want, and this doesn’t work. Just my observation.



  9.  #9Indigo on December 7, 2015 at 1:05 am

    The Siren way, and I may be misunderstanding it, is when a guy pulls back to LET him pull back.

    Mandy, can you see how saying something like “I don’t like to be pushy, so I don’t want to pressure you about it. I’m just a bit confused as to what to do” would come across? You don’t want to be pushy, but at the same time you are agonising over what to do? Why do you need to do anything? This IS pushy.

    Saying it would feel great to see him is also dicey. I’m pretty sure he knows this already. It’s more subtle pressure.

    And this “Can we schedule something for when we both have time off? I can meet you halfway there. What do you think?” Can you see what this would do to his attraction for you? You’re offering to fit in with his schedule, and contorting yourself into a pretzel by offering to drive to him (when he hasn’t asked you to), AND asking him what he thinks? This is likely to make him pull back even more.

    Just lean back.



  10.  #10Sirana on December 7, 2015 at 4:59 am

    Dixie – I am feeling connected to your post above. My husband keeps telling me how he doesn’t love me like he used to and doesn’t think he ever will. He says he wants out but the kids are keeping him around. However, he also says other times that we are best friends and he is just as excited about us as he was 15 years ago, he just doesn’t know how to move past our hurt. So I keep staying on the same path trying to work through it all. This morning he got up at 4:00 in the morning and told me again the same things. I feel like I should pull way back. He says such hurtful things and then I blow up on him destroying us further. He talks about us staying in the same house but sleeping in separate rooms. I have always said that once we are not actively working towards being in love together that I would not settle for just being roommates, but now… i can’t imagine not seeing my kids every day. It also feels less permanent if we go this route staying in the house together. I want to text him or call him and talk again. I am always trying to fix the situation. I think I need to stop. Just stop and pull back. Wait for him to make the next moves. It feels safer and more controlled this way but yet I am scared that is the wrong decision and I should continue to fight for us.



  11.  #11Lovergirl on December 7, 2015 at 8:31 am

    (((Marie))) and (((Sirana))) Relationships can be so difficult sometimes.



  12.  #12Azure Blu on December 7, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Sirana and Dixie…
    I found this very helpful!!!

    I am posting this from a post Zara copied from Rori…
    It has to do with a man who keeps wanting to engage his wife in a dialog that she deperately wants to stop…
    You might find this helpful!!!

    Copy-pasted from: How To Undo The Way You Treat A Depressed Man
    By Rori Raye
    ____________________________

    This is a jump off from Susan’s comment about placating her depressed man and wanting to undo all that =>

    *****69: susan says:
    sorry — just found it! Rori says “The way to deal with a depressed person is to be so in touch with your own feelings, so turning, morphing, riffing your sensations and feelings into loving ones toward yourself, so that you can feel MORE and MORE of your emotions instead of less and less, that you create an atmosphere of SAFETY around you for EVERYONE.”
    However, I don’t know how to do this.. I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done i.e. try to help him / placate him — and indeed it got worse. How can I repair the damage?
    Thursday, 12 March 2009 2:00am*****

    Here’s what’s going on:

    We placate a depressed man because we’re afraid. It’s a coping mechanism we’ve learned and used our whole lives to keep our trauma reactions at bay.

    We’re afraid for a lot of reasons.

    Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

    If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming. The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

    if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

    When you’re with a man who’s depressed or anxious, and you consciously step back and simply focus on your own life, on being happy, on doing for yourself, on loving yourself – it feels weird and awful – because…

    1. You’re afraid if you don’t do the placating, usual behaviors you do around him – his lid will pop and all his icky, horrible, scary feelings will come flying out at you – AND this is true! They will! And…

    2. You’re afraid that his feelings flying out at you will be completely terrifying for you, and so your own lid on your own soup pot gets shaky with anxiety (fear) and your own feelings start to bubble up. And…

    3. As you actually DO the things you don’t normally do – stepping back, smiling, not asking questions, not sitting down with him, not “doing” for him – you are actually REMOVING the lid – the cover from your soup pot – and FEELINGS underneath the anxiety actually come to the surface.

    You start feeling things you don’t LIKE to feel. You feel fear, and helplessness, and old pain, and old anger, and new anger…everything you’ve been safely stuffing down by placating him.

    This is all new, and all scary, and just downright weird.

    It doesn’t feel “nice.” It’s not what you were taught to do.

    And here’s how doing this ANYWAY – little by little (and don’t expect yourself to rip that lid off your soup in one try – please be gentle with yourself – you have to feel your way through this) will slowly begin to change your life in fundamental and hugely powerful ways:

    Just KNOWING to expect all this upheaval will help you. Just expect that when you step back you will feel weird. And then do it anyway.

    Smile, even though he’s moping. Leave the house, even though he looks lonely.

    And when you start to feel stronger, and learn how to use feeling messages and can go several “rounds” with a man in deep, connected conversation while staying in “Dance Position,” being in Strong Surrender and feeling strong inside…then…

    Talk with him.

    Sit down, do a “negotiation” like in my ebook – where you share your feelings about being in his presence when he’s depressed – your urge to help – your willingness to research cures for depression and let him know what you’ve found – what he’d like you to do about helping him – and that it feels bad to be around him when he’s down.

    Now here’s the really powerful part:

    The bottom line of depression is anger. A depressed person is sitting on tons of rage. And we sense this on a deep level – and so it’s actually frightening to be around a depressed person.

    People usually would so much rather be around a depressed person than an angry person – for so many obvious and subconscious reasons – and so we almost automatically feed the depression rather than being able to facilitate the anger.

    When a depressed man starts to get angry – that’s good. It’s our job to let that happen, and move away from it if we need to – but not try to “reason” with it or “talk it down.”

    Now – you can see that this feels like a minefield to most of us. I mean, who would knowingly be willing to unearth and be present for rage in someone else? We’d get triggered!

    And yet – as you’ll find out – when that anger surfaces, all of a sudden the tension goes away. The juice in the relationship comes back. He comes back to life.

    This doesn’t happen overnight – and your process of hearing and experiencing all that anger coming out instead of sitting safely beneath the surface is monumental and crucial for you – because YOU are sitting on rage, too!

    That’s the thing. When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more. Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

    When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

    And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.

    In the meantime – expect messiness. Expect “ugliness” – and embrace it as BEAUTIFUL. Expect “bouncing” in your feelings, and just ride with it. Hang onto your feeling messages, stay with yourself and on your beautiful Horse, and just keep going toward the life you want. It starts inside you – with the courage to experiment, retrack if you need to, and just keep going.

    Let me know if this tidbit of understanding makes you feel braver.



  13.  #13HeartBeat on December 7, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Ooh Rori! I didn’t realise that you would post a reply so quickly! This feels so exciting!!
    Thank you for responding to my email so kindly and for providing a reply to my questions in a post. I feel really flattered.
    Reading your reply I had a few thoughts suddenly come to mind that I feel really curious to hear your thoughts on.

    How does stepping back from things that feel bad look like in a committed relationship?
    I am dating, so when something happens with a man that feels bad to me, I might feel crappy but I also have a lot of things supporting me. I can share my feelings with him, I can date someone else, I can sleep with someone else, I don’t live with him so I get to go home to my own personal space which means I don’t need to see him etc.
    I feel confused about what happens when something feels bad in a committed romantic relationship.
    What does stepping back look like in this case?

    And when stepping back has given us a moment to breathe and we now are aware of how we feel, “I feel furious, stuffy, down” etc and we can share this with him using a script and feeling messages, I suddenly wonder, what if then nothing changes?
    We felt, we shared, and things stayed the same. He’s still a grot, he still likes porn, he still puts dirty boots on the bedsheets.
    Little things but we can feel crappy and when we don’t know how to process feelings or how to respond to what’s happening suddenly you’ve got a big emotional sink hole. Something little can become massive if we don’t know how to address it.

    And really there may be many things that won’t change and are also no deal breakers. Eg it feels bad to see mess, it feels bad to have left dinner to him (not bothered or pestered him about it) and he didn’t take care of it. But it’s not something we’d want to leave a marriage for.
    I know that we can’t force change or him, but that things CAN transform within us. And then, things are likely to change in our surroundings anyway.
    I also realise that often the thing we’re stepping back from may not even be a man, it could be an expectation or idea we’ve got, eg: The house has to be spotless.
    But surely there’s a healthy difference between experiencing a new empowered way of being- “I was unhappy, I processed my feelings, I’ve let go of ‘x’ expecation and now things are actually pretty great.
    And- “No I actually really do care about this, I’ve processed my feelings and I just don’t feel cool with things being this way, it feels bad to me, I’ve shared this with him (in my feminine language) and things haven’t changed!”
    When I think of this, I suddenly feel paniced.

    When women in committed relationships encounter something that feels bad to them, in that immediate moment, when your shoulders are hitched up around the base of your skull and your head feels hot and stuffy and the front of your chest is buzzing, how do these women ‘step back’?
    I know there is obvious things like physically lean back, taking a step back from him and to leave the room. But speaking for myself I can do these things and get a little breathing room but I’m still throbbing with emotion. The emotion is still there, awake, waiting for me. I can try to ignore it- this NEVER helps.
    How do these women in committed positions step back, how do we process the emotion?
    Then when it’s processed you can get on and go do something cool, but until you’re in that place where you’re able to move, where your masculine energy can take you out of the house to do something fun, how do women process a feeling?
    Without her tolerating a situation (ignoring, avoiding or trying to stuff down her feelings), how does a woman in a committed relationship step back?

    Again, thank you Rori, much love and big hugs to you. I feel thrilled 🙂
    X



  14.  #14Sirana on December 7, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Azure Blue- I have read your post twice. Thank you



  15.  #15Sirana on December 7, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Heartbeat- excellent question! I have often wondered the same thing especially when he keeps pulling me back in. He wants to cook together, make love, laugh, etc. so I let go of the hurt to engage in these ways that I want so badly.



  16.  #16Lovergirl on December 7, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    I saw the millionaire guy on Sat night. Beforehand he was texting me quite a bit and sounding excited to see me, same afterwards- he was enthusiastic about the time we spent together. However, we met at a nice hotel room near the airport and just had sex (and watched a movie on the tv in his suite). Don’t get me wrong, the sex and time with him was great, I just wish he would have also taken me out. I wasn’t sure how to ask. Any suggestions on that?

    According to him, he had just flown in from Alabama that day and was leaving for Atlanta at like 5 am. He insinuated that he just came into town to see me and then leave again. He made a comment about how he wished he could just bag me up and take me to Atlanta with him in the morning. I didn’t respond really to that because in order to go out of town I would have to have accommodations for my kids and that would take awhile to plan. He has said before though that he has companion miles and could take me with him on trips if he wanted.

    Anyway, he’s fantastic and very giving in bed, but I felt like he was kind of in his head more this time. That’s another thing I need to work on- pulling him out of his head. Like after sex, he was talking to me about politics lol (ugh) haha. I mostly just listened because he has strong opinions and I don’t really follow politics anyway after being married to my ex (my ex husband had a political science degree as well as a masters in theology- I could go the rest of my life without discussing either of those topics again).

    So, I remember Rori talking about being “juicy” and using feeling messages to bring a guy out of his head and more into feeling space. I need to work on that I guess. Any other tips?

    He’s like ultra masculine, lol, which is great and a turn on in a lot of ways but also hard for me to relate to. He was sweet about asking me to text him and tell him I’m home safe afterwards. I also think I did okay on leaning back (physically). Like I was sitting on the other side of the couch from him when I first got there and he had to ask me to come cuddle and he gave me a back massage.

    Oh, and I hadn’t checked where he was at on Tinder for awhile. So I looked after I got home and he showed as being 27 miles away (which would be the airport) and the next day it was like 700, which when I googled Atlanta its closer to 800 miles away, so that is kind of odd? Just curious how accurate it actually is.



  17.  #17Millie on December 7, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    I’m beginning to think I’m a man repeller.



  18.  #18AZSunrize on December 7, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Ladies, I’ve purchased all of Rori’s programs and am two chapters into Modern Siren. I started online dating in August and met someone in September, corresponding with him via the site and email before meeting him in person in October. He has not been one to call much, and we’ve only been on five dates since then, but it’s now been a month since we’ve seen each other. He does text me a few times a week, and when we do talk or see each other he is very attentive. He continues to look at my profile (more times than we’ve actually seen each other!), and I wonder if he’s more enamored of his “idea” of who I am than in actually getting to know me. His verbal communication says otherwise, but I’m getting mixed messages. I’ve not chased him and am trying to do things differently than I’ve done in previous relationships, so I’ve been trying to do the “step back” thing. My dilemna is that a few weeks ago he agreed to come with me to my work Christmas party this Saturday. My instinct is not to contact him to make the arrangements for the date if I don’t hear from him first. But since I extended the initial invitation I’m confused as to whether or not I SHOULD touch base at the end of the week if I haven’t heard from him. What would you ladies recommend in this particular situation?



  19.  #19Bonnie Gal on December 7, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    How do I start a “script” for this stepback? We had 4 great dates and then had (wonderful) sex at his place out of town. The day after, instead of morning sex and spending that Sunday together as planned, he showed me the door before noon, explaining very briefly that he had to handle a maintenance crisis across town at his apt complex. While putting on his boots, he muttered “this is not at all how I expected to spend my Sunday.” I thought, “Me either!”

    I drove home 2 hours in the rain, sad and confused. He did not text or call me to see if I made it home ok. In fact, he did not contact me for 3 weeks.

    I leaned forward the day after Thanksgiving and texted him a hi, how was thanksgiving? He replied that he couldn’t text just then, but would reply tomorrow. He texted the next day, and said we should have dinner soon.

    I said that I hope we could maintain our connection, and I was unsure of whether or not he wanted that.
    He answered with a kind of generic reply: “I hope that we like each other, have fun together, and want to do it often. If we do, then you would become a priority. ” So that clarifies that we are just dating, not exclusive, not boyfriend/girlfriend, which is realistic.

    My rational brain/boy energy says: I know he’s super busy…moving himself and his business from his town to my town, settling in to new place, and going back and forth as he wraps up old business in his town. He characterizes the 3 weeks as “we lost touch with each other”.

    I feel dismissed. I feel sad that I waited 2 1/2 years to have a lover, and the one I chose doesn’t care the day after. I’m steaming. NO, we didn’t lose touch with each other; YOU didn’t call or text after that night together.

    After texting with him after Thanksgiving, and his reply that we should have dinner soon, somewhere in a 20 minute conversation he said that our communication was a two way street, and that I should feel free to call him on short-notice if I wanted a dinner companion and (he would feel free to call me) if he was in my town and available, we could see each other. And then he began near future talking, about when he was settled in my town (in January) and the kinds of things he would like to do together for dates.

    My questions: (1) Do I just let the 3 week silence go without comment, because so much time has gone by, and just base my future action (no sex) on that information? This would look like starting over, in terms of establishing intimacy boundaries. My emotional protector says I shouldn’t be having sex with a man who values sex so differently than I do; or one I’m just dating, rather than who is my boyfriend. (I also believe there’s a time limit to bringing up old issues.) OR 2) if I accept a future date with him, to feel righteous in saying, “I’d love to have dinner with you. But I’m not willing to pretend everything is okay. I still feel confused about why we didn’t talk shortly after our night together. Is there something I should know?”

    What do you think, Sirens? I feel like I want to start over with him, if he calls for that dinner date….



  20.  #20Indigo on December 7, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    Heartbeat 12,

    I bet Dominique would have some great things to say to this question.

    Speaking for myself, and what you are describing is something I’ve grappled with very deeply and very intensely… but speaking for myself, I have come to learn that it is unrealistic to expect a resolution to those feelings within the same few hours or same day.

    It is natural to want to think we can process our emotions away and get relief that way and then just move right on. Well, I’ve realised that emotions don’t quite work that way. I think a lot of why we want our emotions resolved quite quickly is because of the discomfort, which we are not used to. I believe you have to sit with your emotion for a while. Tolerating the discomfort is like a muscle you have to build up. But when you sit with the discomfort, eventually the emotion morphs into something else which is easier to deal with. These physical sensations are fluid things, and if you give it all room to flow, the physical sensations eventually do release and give way to a better feeling feeling. And the more you do this, the more easily it happens. When you feel panicked because of the build-up of an emotion you can go “Ok, I know what’s happening here, I’m going to just ride this out and just observe what unfolds”.

    As far as resolution of the issue which is causing the emotion – in my own life, I’ve noticed this takes time to become clear. As I’ve said, I think it’s unrealistic to expect resolution on the same day. But the more you can tolerate and sit with your own emotions, the more the resolution does become clear. It does. This can take a varying length of time, from days to months… maybe years even. But I feel like if you want a true resolution, and not a superficial one, you have to give things the time they need. That’s when you are able to truly let go of whatever it is, and not be triggered around it, or to decide it’s a dealbreaker, or to deal with it in another way (the mess around the house for example… after years of being triggered by it with my ex-husband, I made the decision one day when I was ready that I would never hire a maid for whatever tasks I didn’t feel happy about doing myself. I just simply decided I was ready to never be triggered by this again.)



  21.  #21Indigo on December 7, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    Oops

    * that I WOULD hire a maid



  22.  #22Emerson on December 7, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    Hello sirens
    I’m going to ask a question that is likely politically incorrect and possibly offensive….
    Do certain types of men pick “average” looking women to be with over an “above average” looking woman because perhaps less will be expected of them? Maybe they think they’d have to hold a higher standard if they are with a “beautiful” woman versus an average woman…just wondering and not meaning to be offensive.
    Does anyone know what I’m talking about??

    For the record, I think all women are beautiful! All ages, colors, shapes, all of it!



  23.  #23Millie on December 7, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    Hi Bonnie Gal!

    I feel like I went through a dating experience similar to yours very recently so I thought I would jump in and reply. To answer your first question about how to give a script for the step back, if he is not coming towards you there is no script to be said. If he was coming towards you in a way that did not feel good– then expressing that would be appropriate. I’ve read that you do not need to go out of your way to tell a man who isn’t stepping up that you are stepping back….However, I recently did something similar to that!! I chose to do to it because he was communicating with me, but in a very limited way, that felt like crumbs. I don’t want crumbs. So I stated what I wanted and he gave me a round about answer that seemed to say he isn’t the man for me. Truthfully, his actions were already telling me that–so it wasn’t 100% necessary for me, yet it felt right for me to do so and I don’t regret it.

    That said, if there is a script you want to say before you lean back–be true with yourself that you are not speaking to get a result, or speaking to provoke him.

    I feel really curious about this paragraph…as it seems to really be speaking about your inner girl:
    “I feel dismissed. I feel sad that I waited 2 1/2 years to have a lover, and the one I chose doesn’t care the day after. I’m steaming. NO, we didn’t lose touch with each other; YOU didn’t call or text after that night together.”

    What do you mean in saying that you waited 2_1/2 years to have lover? I hear you blaming him in this paragraph, I also hear you making him your “one” without him earning it. I hear you upset at yourself for choosing a man who did not treat you as you want and deserve. Bonnie Gal, we all have slept with men who did not call the next day, and this is a message I must say to myself as well…to be strong in your siren self despite the actions of others. You say you feel dismissed, and I wonder if your inner girl is feeling dismissed by you? A lot of the sirens use the mirror tool to sift through feelings as we often attract a man who mirrors how we feel about ourselves. I’m curious about your history and how you came to be waiting for years for intimacy…

    In response to him saying that communication is a two way street…yes it is…however a masculine man takes the role of the pursuer, the initiator, and if that is what you are looking for, I would suggest not taking on that role yourself. I begin to feel “like friends” if the initiating falls onto me during the courtship stage.

    Lastly, if he asks you out–do you let the silence go? In my situation, the more space that passed between dates/conversations, the LESS interested I FELT. If a man is not rowing the boat, then I need to get out of that stagnant boat…or wait until he picks up the oars again. It can come across accusatory to say everything is not ok and ask why he didn’t do something…then it’s about him and not you. Maybe try approaching it from how you feel about communication and of course praise him when he does contact you. I feel disconnected…I want to feel close to you and feel more connected talking on the phone. What do you think? I am someone that thrives on frequent communication, how often do you like to communicate with the person you are dating? I’m not sure of the exact script, but I’ve seen one from Rori for negotiating.

    Do you have sex with him? Entirely up to you! I would ask myself to sink into my feelings and ask “do you want to see this man again?” Quiet all the other voices and really listen to what you want. In my situation, I don’t have any interest in sleeping with someone who is nurturing my emotional “needs” or requirements. Then it feels like just a hook, which feels icky to me right now. I read in one of Rori’s posts to not have sex with a man unless you don’t have an investment in what he does next. Meaning, if you ALREADY know that you will be upset if he doesn’t contact you the next day–It would probably be best to tell him that and/or refrain. I would love to have sex with you, but it’s important to me that my sexual partner is also someone who I have steady communication with..I’m not the best with scripts, I’m sure the other sirens will have better suggestions. Remember that when you are just dating, he doesn’t need to explain his absences, you just get to respond with how you feel about them and choose to receive him well or not. It is his masculine right to take space. That isn’t to say you have to accept it…in my opinion you can do so much better!!



  24.  #24Mandy on December 7, 2015 at 11:09 pm

    Mmmm. I’d like to say something to him, I can’t authentically pull back and pretend like nothings bothering me.



  25.  #25Mandy on December 7, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    I don’t get why the script is dicey, it is almost verbatim from Love Scripts.



  26.  #26Millie on December 8, 2015 at 12:05 am

    Mandy, which script do you mean? If you’re referring to my post, it was just from my experience and point of view… I also don’t have love scripts… I probably shouldn’t be dispensing advice on scripting….



  27.  #27Victoria on December 8, 2015 at 12:30 am

    Mandy,
    I am with Indigo here. I have personally also tried scripts which say really nicely that I am upset that our arrangements fell through, and I am asking him to fix a date and make a better job next time. I have done these types of scripts numerous times, enough times to know that they do not work. They have given me some small immediate gratification (so, I did let him know) and sometimes they even produced a firm date for the next time. But, looking at the general relationship, they did not help, because a man who is careless/flaky will go back to his defaulty mode as soon as possible. I personally do not want to be running the relationship, I do not want to be the person who makes sure we see each other.
    And, again from my experinece, when you are with the right man, he chases you, and makes sure he sees you, and you do not need to lift a finger. Alleluiah.



  28.  #28Posie on December 8, 2015 at 12:34 am

    Millie, something felt crystal clear when you said: “if he’s not coming towards you, there’s no script to be said.” I like that. It feels like a way to remember to own our own decisions. There’s a dignity in this. Easy to understand 🙂



  29.  #29Bonnie Gal on December 8, 2015 at 12:58 am

    Hello Millie and Mandy, thanks for replying, I feel heard.

    I am definitely leaning back; I don’t intend to call him even with the two way street speech he gave me. There are far less elusive men in my town to have dinner with, without trying to track him down. In a couple of weeks his logistical situation will change to being in my town, and he will either call me or not. This is a perfect time and circumstance for circular dating!

    Of course, you’re right, Millie, in saying that I am not the first woman to have sex with a man who didn’t call her again. But it’s never happened to me before, so I’m having a hard time sorting myself out. I’ve been divorced for a couple of years after a 20+ yr marriage and this was the first time I have had sex after the divorce. I’ve been on many dates and had a fair amount of male attention during this time, so it’s not as though I would never have another man within reach of my sheets. I’ve been working on myself, circular dating and dating myself (even tho I didn’t have those words) and just being particular, I suppose.

    IMPORTANT INFORMATION RECEIVED: Remember that when you are just dating, he doesn’t need to explain his absences, you just get to respond with how you feel about them. Aha! Yes, exactly right! Thank you! That is a huge truth!

    He will call me again, I’m sure. It may take a couple of weeks for his schedule to settle, but he will. Tonight he sent me a text with “Now I can’t stop thinking about your (body part)….” He’s inviting me to text back but I don’t know what to say; I don’t feel light and flirty. I feel like I let myself down because I had sex before I was really ready. On the other hand, I did get to have some really good sex!!

    Thank you for your interest, support, and curiosity.



  30.  #30Bonnie Gal on December 8, 2015 at 1:03 am

    Victoria said: when you are with the right man, he chases you, and makes sure he sees you, and you do not need to lift a finger. Alleluiah.

    Yes, indeed! This was where we were before we had sex.

    Posie, that’s a really powerful thought…to own our own decisions and maintain dignity.



  31.  #31Indigo on December 8, 2015 at 1:09 am

    Mandy,

    I am absolutely, 100% with Victoria here.

    There is so much more I could say, but I will leave it at, in my experience, these kinds of scripts do not work.



  32.  #32Victoria on December 8, 2015 at 5:39 am

    Bonnie Gal,
    I really like your second post, the first one made me cringe, especially the part where he said that if you had lots of fun together and often, you will become a priority. Ugh. That really hurt.
    In your second post you sound very balanced and up-beat, and I really think this is how you should be, because frankly, whether his not calling you is a big deal or not, is all up to you, and it is best if you simply do not make a big deal about it in your own head. If he does not see you, he is the one who is losing out. So many men, so little time.
    I also think that he had a second thought about his own behavior, and he must have realized that the two way street speech was out of place, and that he is on safer ground with some flattery rather than with being blunt. Hence the “I can’t stop thinking about your whatever”. If you don’t know what to say, you may as well just ignore it, or say something generic like “you’re funny”, or “lol”.
    Otherwise, most of us here have learnt, one way or another, the downside of having s*x too soon, or in the gray zone before becoming a couple. In this sense, you will find yourself here in truly delightful company :-).



  33.  #33Azure Blu on December 8, 2015 at 7:37 am

    Indigo #18
    Ohhh… My!!! this is so profound and wonderful to read!!!
    I have pasted and copied all of what you have shared !!!
    thnk you!!! oxoxo

    “I believe you have to sit with your emotion for a while. Tolerating the discomfort is like a muscle you have to build up. But when you sit with the discomfort, eventually the emotion morphs into something else which is easier to deal with.”



  34.  #34Indigo on December 8, 2015 at 7:49 am

    Victoria 25,

    Yeah I like what you have said here.

    I have learnt that when a man is inconsistent or doesn’t make regular plans or breaks plans frequently it means one of two things: Either he is dealing with some stuff or is in a time in his life when he is not ready for a relationship, or inconsistent and unreliable is part of his character (this is assuming that he is the one initiating communication and plans and not you leaning forward, which would more tend to imply that he’s not that into you…).

    Either way, there’s nothing to be done here. It’s not about pulling back. It’s about not trying to force something that is just not happening naturally, which quite frankly is exhausting and demeaning. You’re just allowing him to do what he does and not trying to pull him to you.

    For the life of me I cannot see the point in trying to convince a man to spend more time with you if he is not doing that on his own, IF you are not already in a committed relationship or marriage.



  35.  #35Azure Blu on December 8, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Darling Sirens…
    I found this on Tatia Dees web site…
    She has such amazing wonderful help there!!!

    http://powertolove.com/dont-dos/

    “Here is a list of “Don’t Do’s” that will guarantee that you stay in your Feminine Power when dealing with a man:

    (a) don’t try to control him;

    (b) don’t try to control the situation or the outcome;

    (c) don’t criticize him;

    (d) don’t advise him (unless he asks);

    (e) don’t judge him;

    (f) don’t warn him;

    (g) don’t coax him;

    (h) don’t make suggestions to him;

    (i) don’t complain;

    (j) don’t pry

    (k) don’t use the word “you” when talking to him; and

    (l) when he says “No,” accept that as his answer.

    Print this list out and keep it in your purse. These are boundaries for you and about you, not about a man. These are your bottom line in making sure you stay in your Feminine Power and not slip back into any old patterns.

    This list of “Don’t Do’s” allows you to be aware of yourself while being present when you are with a man. Being present simply means that you’re not in your head, but instead you’re there in moment with him. Feeling what you feel, feeling your feelings in response to what he says and does . . . just being!”



  36.  #36Azure Blu on December 8, 2015 at 8:34 am

    These are from Tatia Dee

    Here are a few more links that I have found sooo helpful!!!

    http://powertolove.com/how-to-stop-leaning-forward-with-the-man-you-live-with/

    Leaning Back When You’re In Love
    http://powertolove.com/leaning-back-when-youre-in-love/



  37.  #37Millie on December 8, 2015 at 9:16 am

    Yay Bonnie Gal!!! I agree with Victoria, the tone of your second post sounds so much more empowered and I feel your siren strength! In saying you weren’t the first person to have this happen to you, I only meant that you would find yourself in good company!!! I remember my first experience with a man I adored and slept with who made no attempt to contact me for awhile, in fact avoided me! I was so sick to my stomach and drank to make myself fall asleep at night. It was like I traumatized myself. Good for you for putting yourself out there after your divorce! I feel inspired by you!

    It’s so funny that your guy text you something sexual next because so did mine!! How funny the patterns men have and that we begin to notice as we circular date. I was into it for a moment, but after felt like I cheapened myself and allowed my desperation to rear its head. Even though securing can be fun sometimes… So I’m not upset at myself for doing it, I just know he is not able to give me more at this time and I move along on my steed.

    It’s hard, I have so many insecurities and feel myself shut down often. I am becoming more self aware of my walls and tendencies to protect myself. I have to learn to love those parts of me because in truth, they are doing their job for a good reason! I have a male friend who is much younger than me but is also very similar in his personality. He can identify immediately if I’m shutting down or going into wall mode and will call me out on it and say something funny to snap me out of it! It’s been very helpful in contrast to how some other men will just say it in a negative way that feels like criticism and failure.

    For me, my mirror is exactly that. Criticism and failure. I think I attract men who make me feel those things…. Or create a situation in which I project that onto the relarionship. It’s a form of protection.

    It would be interesting to explore how this guy triggered your feelings of dismissal and anger towards him, and ultimately yourself.



  38.  #38Millie on December 8, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Azure 33– thank you!!! Loving this reminder!!!



  39.  #39Mandy on December 8, 2015 at 9:21 am

    Okay. I am feeling like a volcano about to erupt and blast away the entire side of the planet right now.

    I need to stick up for myself. I need to say something to him, my feelings deserve to be honored!!!

    If the script I wrote doesn’t work, as many have said it won’t, please, don’t just tell me it won’t work, give me an example of a script that is more appropriate, or else I’ll just end up blowing up at him. I’m very serious. I can’t just sit and pretend everything’s okay or be passive aggressive…we ALL know that is against the Siren rules!

    I feel so angry right now I can’t see straight. Like nothing I will say will be “correct”. I feel stifled and weak and I hate it!



  40.  #40Azure Blu on December 8, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Mandy #6 & 37
    You are doing GREAT!!! From what I see…
    He does seem to be only able to sustain a distance relationship…
    I beleive you are right… You should share your feelings about this distance…. that something comes up every time you try to see each other…

    You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man…
    How about…
    “When I see your text, hear your voice, I feel sooo happy getting to know you….
    I feel confused and turned off when we don’t get to see each other more often… Is there something I should know?”



  41.  #41Azure Blu on December 8, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Millie!!
    :-))



  42.  #42Indigo on December 8, 2015 at 9:50 am

    Mandy,

    By all means, say whatever is on your heart to say. I know I certainly have, many times and to many men. So who am I to say that you shouldn’t. In fact, if you think it will bring you relief then I think you absolutely should say something.

    Just don’t expect it to have a “result” with the man.



  43.  #43Mandy on December 8, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Azure…that sounds exactly it. That’s all I need. It’s like mixed signals you know.

    Here’s the thing, if I figure out a guy is not a good guy, I have no fear of ditching him completely anymore. Something from my relationship with J is being triggered here, a past hurt. Like if I get too many psych-outs I just want to give up completely and ditch the guy, in an angry and mean manner, not rationally.

    I know he just got out of a living situation with his baby’s mom, I know he’s living with his mother, I know he has tooth pain and I know he works his ass off.

    I think my inside little girl is just having a fit right now, trying to point fingers, find someone to blame for things sucking so bad right now in general not just in the romance department.

    She’s just crying out for help and the fact that he’s so bogged down he can’t provide relief is confusing to her. But objectively…to my rational mind, it makes perfect sense.

    Even one of my casual guy friends said once, “I went to the strip club and I didn’t even enjoy myself because I was afraid the whole time I’d be late to work”.

    Now THAT was eye-opening.

    Indigo, I don’t want it to have a result, lol, I know that sounds weird, but…this guy isn’t Mr. Right. He’s Mr. Right Now, and I guess I just…if I weren’t receiving training here, I’d bite the poor guy’s head off right now, no kidding, and I was basically begging the Sirens to hold me back from doing so, because…well I’m done caring about ….huh…about what he thinks or what the result is of me saying what’s going on. I have had a terrible problem with being Polyanna and saying Oh that’s ok, or ohhh yeah that’s fine, and making like everything’s fine. I need to start saying something…and learning to do it right…so maybe when the right guy is around…I’ll know that he might have a side to it, that I won’t get anywhere by fighting him.

    Here’s the most important part. This man and I have an agreement, he’s my Dominant. He’s sincere as can be. He always notices if I’m going through something. He always asks if I’m okay. He’s always encourages me to talk with him in a very intimate manner. It’s just as though he prefers it at an arm’s length. I don’t freaking blame him AT ALL. Not after what I’ve been through. Maybe we’re both pretty damaged.

    Well, I don’t expect results. Maybe I AM just being……huh….you know…about instant gratification right now? That’s the stuff we don’t want…it gets bad when my patience runs out because I have all the patience in the world then I realize I’ve invested so much patience it feels like I have no air to breathe.

    Maybe I’m being bitchy because I have been so damn neglected by J.

    Something’s changing inside me that’s for sure and it’s like the Viking Warrior inside is woken up, and is now going on a Berserker rage to stick up for the little girl inside me.

    I need to hone that part of my personality. I am a flower and animal loving kind childlike person. When this Super-warrior comes out of me it’s scary, very scary. I’ve frightened away many a guy with it, and it never feels good. I even made J shrink back once.

    Okay..I feel way vulnerable now…there’s that Warrior, I didn’t have a name for it before but there it is. It comes out when I feel neglected or hurt. Neglect never felt like something to lash out about before but now it does.

    How to be a Siren when you are part Berserker??? Is that a Valkyrie? Lol….Ahhhh >_<



  44.  #44Victoria on December 9, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Mandy,
    are you angry with me?
    This is how I read your post, and I want to say I am sorry I triggered you, and this was not my intention. I understand how you are feeling, I have also seen replies here which did not sit well with me, and I know what we read here sometimes adds insult to injury.
    I have thought carefully about your post, and what inspired me to reply to you, and it was nagging at me until this morning when I found a beautiful RR post (I will tell you about it in a second) which the pieces of my own puzzled fall into their places.
    Mandy,
    the reason I replied to you, and said the things are said, is because I have my own pain of unspoken feelings, of feelings that were not honored. I have been trying to find better ways to speak up my feelings, share them, honor them, find a way to have my emotional needs met. Sometimes I feel like I have made great advancement, sometime I feel like I am a total failure, and I try to love myself through feeling inadequate and making the same mistake over and over again. On the positive side, I recognize I am only human, and this struggle with our feelings is just an eternal part of the human experience.
    So, the RR post I wastalking about earlier is from June 2009 and it is called “The better to express ourselves”. It is really wonderful, it touched my soul, and I think you will probably also find it helpful.
    Much love to you.



  45.  #45Starla on December 9, 2015 at 7:35 am

    Mandy, no script. Circular dating. Trying to talk to him about this would be the equivalent of throwing yourself off your bridge to happily ever after. Let’s say he wanted you to date only him, then you’d need a script like this, but in this situation all you’d be doing is chasing him. I can’t emphasize enough that giving him a script is not the way to go.



  46.  #46BeLoved on December 9, 2015 at 10:03 am

    I’ve been thinking about this frequently lately (substitute “relationship” for “career”), and this morning in the midst of a meltdown because my final, due tomorrow, isn’t going to happen so I asked for either an incomplete and more time, or I will just put on my big girl panties and take and F and deal. I’ve had plenty of time and have procrastinated like crazy…why? Why? Why?

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-you-consciously-want-a-relationship-but-subconsciously-feel-bad-about-you-relationships-its-a-recipe-for-pain/#more-99779

    “This is where we have to call in our own bullsh-t.”

    “If there’s a gap between what we say we want, and what we’re doing and what’s happening, it’s better to name our BS so that we can face down whatever it is that’s haunting and breaking us through our unconscious habits, than it is to deny it and keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, just so that we don’t have to admit that we’re off-base and believing something that is partly or even wholly untrue.

    I’ve spoken to so many people who are in the sh-ttiest of relationships because of lessons they observed or taught themselves in their childhood. Mommy or daddy is miserable / difficult to please / absent / having lots of issues with the other parent becomes, “I’m not good enough to make them feel or behave differently” becomes “I must try my best to not make noise, to be good, to show that I’m worthy with romantic partners”, becomes us being a sitting duck in a relationship that sucks the soul out of us all while we hope for validation.

    We say we want love but then have underlying beliefs that relationships are unsafe, that we’re going to wind up just like our parents (whose relationship scared the beejaysus out of us), that if we were to experience hurt or disappointment, that we wouldn’t be able to cope, so next thing you know, we’re in an unavailable relationship where we can continue to tell ourselves the same story and feel more in control.

    We say that we want a relationship but then claim that there’s no good men or women to date or that people are only out for sex. Result – we’re rinsing through dating sites or hoping to turn magic a casual relationship into a serious one.

    We say we want love but feel unworthy and wonder why anyone would want us, so then we wind up with an abuser. We say we want love and nothing more than to be in a relationship but we have underlying beliefs about being second best and feeling discarded by a parent or having had to compete with a sibling, so next thing you know, we’re The Other Woman/Man where not only do we continue to feel second best but we are safe from having to risk ourselves on a real relationship.

    We say that we want to be in a relationship but only feel of value if we’re needed so next thing, we’re playing Florence Nightingale, or a Renovator or even a Buffer in a rebound relationship.



  47.  #47Indigo on December 9, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Starla 42,

    Yes.



  48.  #48Lovergirl on December 9, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Sirens-

    I could use some advice about this millionaire guy. The last two times we had sex it was just go to his hotel room and sleep together and hang around and talk. I want him to take me out first, but I don’t want to be making “suggestions”. Is there a good way to word it?

    I’m thinking of saying something along the lines of “I feel uncomfortable just coming straight to your hotel room” or “it would feel good to do something else first, what do you think?” What is the best way to get my message across?



  49.  #49Starla on December 9, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    Mandy, next time he cancels you can always say you feel so disappointed having plans cancelled at the last minute.



  50.  #50Starla on December 9, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    Lovergirl, it eruptions feel good to do something else first sounds perfect!



  51.  #51Starla on December 9, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    Omg autocorrect. It WOULD, not eruptions, wtf



  52.  #52Lovergirl on December 9, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    Eruptions, haha! Lol So just say you know it would feel good to do something else before just coming back to your room?



  53.  #53Starla on December 9, 2015 at 5:55 pm

    Yep! And if he says no, you give him your i dont want. I don’t want to just get together in your hotel room. And if he still says no, then you can pass on the invitation, sweet siren!



  54.  #54BeLoved on December 9, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    I’m feeling curious and wondering whether it’s worth the bother to respond to an unsolicited d!ck pic with a feeling message.
    Any experience with this, sirens?



  55.  #55Lovergirl on December 9, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Lol Beloved. That could be amusing anyway “I feel shocked” haha



  56.  #56Lovergirl on December 9, 2015 at 8:06 pm

    Thanks Starla! Ill have to give it a whirl!



  57.  #57Lilybelly on December 10, 2015 at 7:27 am

    51:

    I do not and never could understand the reasoning behind a man sending an unsolicited d!ick pic. It is a complete turn off to me. When I was dating and received them, I didn’t give them the pleasure of a response…ever.



  58.  #58Victoria on December 10, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Lilybelly,
    Now that I think about it, I suspect dick pics are never sent by request, only unsolicited.
    I will ask my man tonight to send me a picture of his, just to see the look on his face, hehehe.



  59.  #59Indigo on December 10, 2015 at 7:39 am

    Victoria hee hee,

    I don’t know of a single woman who has ever asked for one. I know many women who have received them though. I myself have not had this problem, men have never done this to me… Then again, I never give my number out to guys on a dating site until I have an vague idea of the kind of guy they are and a date has been set up. I can say with certainty that a dick pic from a guy I’ve never met or was only just casually dating would get a no response and a block from me.

    It’s different if it’s a guy you have a relationship and emotional connection with, if he sends it to you in a harmless attempt to try to tell you how much you turn him on… I wouldn’t encourage it but I wouldn’t loathe it either. It would probably just make me laugh 😀



  60.  #60Victoria on December 10, 2015 at 7:44 am

    I think men like looking at picture of female body parts, even without a face. I think they are just wired like this. I think sending unsolicited dic pics are actually an inviation: I will show you mine so that you can show me yours.
    Shall I make some picture of my butt while it still looks kind of ok, in case some day I need them?



  61.  #61Lilybelly on December 10, 2015 at 7:47 am

    It really never made any sense to me…at all.



  62.  #62BeLoved on December 10, 2015 at 9:55 am

    I feel okay about giving my number out because I have a Google voice account, which allows blocking and makes it very easy, just a click and done. They get a message if they try again, so they definitely know they’ve been blocked and I’ve only needed to use this once, last night.
    I don’t feel much of anything about it, really, I even looked at the photo more closely later because I like d!cks just fine and don’t feel grossed out by them. I don’t want to encourage the behavior, either, though, because one second he was talking about friends first and the next it was D!CK PIC!! I’m not into that particular flavor of crazy.
    I could feel it coming, too and was about to tell him if he sent me one I would stop communicating with him.
    I just wish I had been quick and clever enough to ask him if he sent his male friends d!ck pics, since he believes in friends first.



  63.  #63BeLoved on December 10, 2015 at 10:03 am

    I feel like being silly and having some rotten vag pics on hand just in case it happens again. Be like…oh, baby, I feel so happy you showed me yours, let me show you mine!
    😀



  64.  #64Lilybelly on December 10, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Funny thing; I just saw an article on the yahoo about this very thing. Dude indicates this is a great response and I had to chuckle:

    “I think you have me confused with a future me who’s been on many more dates with you.”



  65.  #65Azure Blu on December 10, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Lovergirl
    I don’t know…
    This is just me…
    I would be VERY busy the next time he asked you out (or to his hotel room as he is NOT asking you on dates anymore)
    “Ohhh… I feel soo happy when I hear your voice (or see your text)… but I’m busy tonight.
    Ohh… MM… My girlish heart is sooo turned on by romance! I would love to be wined and dinned next time you’re in town”



  66.  #66Lovergirl on December 10, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Azure, he makes “dates” well in advance, like over a week ahead. Its hard to have plans already, .lol, though sometimes I might be working and then I suspect he would work around that. Hes great in so many ways, I just dont want to fall into the “fuck buddy” trap



  67.  #67Azure Blu on December 10, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Lovergirl #63
    I see what you are saying… he does have many good qualities!
    No “fuck buddies”… Yeah…
    use a yummie sweet heartfelt script like others have mentioned about wanting to do something with him.
    Do you like ice skating, bowling, movies
    play pool… something fun…
    I have found I learn a lot more about men
    when we do fun things… and THEY love to play!!



  68.  #68Lovergirl on December 10, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Im feeling disgusted. I was swiping through Tinder and came across a guy with a mutual friend. So I click on his pic to see who it was. It was one of my female Facebook friends (actually my sister’s best friend’s sister) and her profile pic is a picture of the guy and jer, on their wedding day, two months ago!! Seriously, they just got married two months ago and he’s on Tinder already?! Ugh…



  69.  #69Lovergirl on December 10, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    *and her, not jer, excuse the typo



  70.  #70Lovergirl on December 10, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Azure, yes I am going to try to get him to take me out, without “suggesting” lol



  71.  #71Jere Quenzer on December 29, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Hi there, congrats on the awesome,good post that you here. I also reminds me of my own vertical leap exercises video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OFUXZmxYPo that I put up several days ago. Could you please take a look and let me know if you would think about posting it? I’d very much appreciate it a bunch, bud. Like I said, I mostly vlog regarding vertical jump but if you have any ideas about the kind of things you’d want to watch, all ideas are welcome at https://www.youtube.com/user/MikeMillerReviews Merry (late) Christmas!



  72.  #72Caroline on January 6, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    I’ve been dating this guy for over 8 months. Everything was going great. We always had fun together. We couldn’t wait to see each other. One night on our way back to his house I mentioned that we never really had talked about our relationship. I asked him if we ran into someone I know would he be ok with me saying this is my boyfriend. He agreed that never talked about it. He told me that he takes baby steps and that he truely cares for me, has feelings for me and wants to work towards that next chapter. He also said that he knows that emotions are involved especially since we have been intamit. He asked how do I feel about this. I told him that I’ve expressed how I feel about him and that I’m willing to work towards the next chapter with him. After everything was good between us. Two days later he tells me that hes been doing a lot of thinking about everything thing. He said that there is no one else just me. He asked me for a huge favor and give him some time to make sure he is 100% ready. Before me he was in a relationship with someone he thought he was going to marry but it didn’t happen. It ended a year and half ago. I think he’s scared from it and afraid. So I have backed away and giving him his space. We texted wishing each other Merry Christmas and happy new year on the actual day. New years text he asked what I did. He worked new years eve and day. Hes a deputy sheriff. I don’t know what to do. This is the first time in all my relationships that I can say I see myself with him down the road and happy with. Help Rorie.



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