A Broken Heart Cannot Be Healed By Trying Harder

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10-6 love yourselfDesperation is a smell.

It’s a vibe you can’t hide.

It infuses your body, your glands, your eyes, your hair – when we are filled with urgency, when we are tense and desperate and “needy” – there is no disguise big enough or thick enough to keep everyone around you from feeling it.

AND – if we “blame” and “punish” ourselves for all these desperate and urgent sensations – we just make it worse.

Not only do we “reek” of desperation and need – we reek of self-torture.

And the only man who’s attracted to that combo is the one you don’t want – the overly helpful man who seems willing to tolerate nearly anything you require – except, he can’t really love you.

So much is said out there about an “unhealthy relationship.” Well, so what does that look like – and, really, why is that so bad?

I mean, if you’re both getting your needs met, if you’re both liking your little “niche” with a partner who matches you in, who cares, an “unhealthy” way (but the sex is good and he’s “around”) – what difference does it make?

So what if there’s screaming and yelling?

So what if there’s self-punishing, criticism, and withdrawal?

So what if there’s crying and resentment?

Because – when you’re in the middle of that, and it feels like your heart is alternately flying as high as it can go, or plunging to the depths of despair – it just feels like the rollercoaster ride you’ve always wanted.

It feels like the Castle of Doom and the Disney Princess Bonanza all at once!

Unhealthy? Who cares?

It’s only when the frustration of never quite getting to the Princess Bonanza and predictably falling to Doom just as we’re creeping closer to the “prize” becomes so painful we begin to examine exactly what “reality” is, here.

And that’s the clue. That’s the thing.

Living in a fantasy world of Prizes and Doom, of in and out, of great highs and great lows – where the everyday intimacy of real love never ever occurs, but the intensity of fantasy love comes and goes – has its charms.

You get to choose that if you want.

AND – if, one day, you decide you DON’T really want that charm and intensity if you have to continually pay with tears and longing – then, the way back to love seems pretty darn boring.

A man who can actually LOVE you seems pretty darn boring.

Because, when you’re getting off the Ride of Doom, “It’s a Small World” seems pretty lame. (Give me the Pirates of the Caribbean anytime….)

A client I’ve talked with only once, over a year ago, calls in desperation. Yes, she knows not to call my coaching line without a prior-arranged appointment. She knows to contact me by email. But desperation drives her to dial my number and leave a message. Or hope I’ll pick up. And, because I am momentarily confused by the number that shows up on my phone’s screen – I pick up.

I realize I’ve made a mistake, when I recognize the client on the other end, asking me a question without an appointment, and though I am ALWAYS drawn to help and answer, my reasonable self realizes that would be totally unfair to all my clients who abide by the rules so I can function without feeling overwhelmed.

AND I apologize for having to turn her down and ask that she schedule an appointment – and she tries to get an answer for her question – which is not a question, but a request for coaching around her entire relationship.

I wrote her instead, for her, and for you here:

….DOING anything right now is creating a feeling in your heart that you’re desperate – and that’s ALL this man sees and feels. And so what you SAY is not important.

It’s how you ARE that counts, that registers, that he picks up on.

And if you’re feeling needy and desperate – there’s no way to hide that. So by even asking me what to do about Facebook, or texts, or emails – you’re coming from that place of panic and hysteria and desperation that you want to STOP!

We can work on this, if you’re willing to stop thinking, stop talking, stop doing ANYTHING – and instead breathe, lay down and look at the grass and the flowers, and go dancing and talking where there are other men, and go walking and on coffee dates with other men – as friends if you like. You have to heal.

You have to turn around this picture of yourself you have as a desperate woman. He is only reacting to that.

Nothing you say or do will change that until you’re ready to loosen him from your heart and move on.

Many coaches can help you with that – and once you’ve become more calm, less anxious, less attached to him – that’s when he may start to show up again.

It’s like being addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Nothing you say can make you appear less drug addicted. You have to stop actually using the drugs and thinking about them, and make a life that doesn’t include them.

Love, Rori

And I see, looking back on what I felt talking with her for that brief time, that the desperation and need she’s putting out on the phone is exactly the same as she’s putting out towards the man. She’s doing it throughout her life, not just in her romance.

And that’s another thing.

If you’re riding the Castle of Doom Ride and hoping for the Princess Bonanza – you’re doing it 24/7. It’s a lifestyle. You’re in Disneyland 24/7.

The pain I felt for this woman was intense, and as a healer-type, I immediately felt both drawn in to help this woman – AND repelled!

And there it stands. Living from desperation and urgency attracts a man who will be both drawn to you and repelled by you. And therein lies the pain.

At some point, this either consumes you and resigns you to this fantasy ride for life, or you decide to get off.

You decide to go for “real” and “everyday” no matter how boring it might be.

Some of us never get over the longing of the thrill ride, some of us luck out and discover that everyday love IS the thrill ride!

I was on the thrill ride, the Castle of Doom, the deepest, darkest, sexiest sets and costumes and uncertainty and longing I could find. Over and over again. Interminably. For years at a time before I gave up.

Trying harder. And harder. Holding tighter to the rails, buckling my seat belt, unbuckling my seat belt, standing up, lying down, crying, laughing, working harder. Trying to figure out what the next sharp turn or sheer drop would be like, and trying to figure out when, exactly, it would show up.

I ran that course so many times, you’d think I would have memorized the pattern pretty quickly, but it took me years and years – and even then, I did’t go into “everyday reality” willingly.

An addict is an addict.

You never give up wanting whatever it is that stops the pain of a reality you don’t like.

And I didn’t like much – because my reality, as is everyone’s reality, was inside ME. And the last place I ever wanted to look was inside me. The last thing I ever wanted to “care for” was me. I thought I was “first” – but, truly, I was last on my list.

Now I know the thrill ride is inside. Not out there.

Intimacy is where the ride is – and at first, it seems boring.

When the old patterns and voices show up, it’s hard to know what it is you really want, from what you think you want. It’s hard to find the difference between real adventure and the Castle of Doom. Real adventure feels tame, lame, boring – way too inconvenient and time-consuming.

It doesn’t go by in a flash of light that mesmerizes, stuns, and then disappears. It’s a constant beam of warmth that sticks.

Until you’re ready to get off the thrill ride…. Until you’ve had enough of the swings and turns of the dark cavern of the Castle of Doom while still clinging to the hope of the Princess Bonanza Prize if you can only hold out “til the end….” Until you’re willing to step off the train and walk back alone (though you won’t really be much alone…) through the tunnel, the sets, the props, the painted backdrops, the mannequins and robots, the costumes and see, in the sunlight, what’s really going on – you may as well enjoy it! So what if it’s unhealthy! Until you make up your mind, I say – have at it!

When you’re feeling enough love for yourself, and you get off the train and out into the sunlight – here’s what you see:

People are standing around, waiting in line…

There’s a sky. There are human beings. Nothing amazing is happening unless you THINK it is.

And that’s the key. You can’t TRY HARDER to make him love you.

The train is moving. It’s going. You have NO power over the train going through the Ride of Doom.

You can’t turn it into the Princess Bonanza, because it’s already set. The plot has already been worked out, and you’ve been on that train and through that ride and that plot many, many times before.

There ARE no new endings. There is only staying on the train or getting off it.

There’s no way to love yourself fully and stay on the train.

And so, once you step off and walk toward yourself – you see that it’s “either/or.” You’re either on the ride, or you’re off it.

Whatever brings you most happiness – I say – BRAVA!!!

Yet know the price of the thrill ride:

You never, ever get to find out who you really are, or how much power you really have, or how much love you can really experience.

One foot on the train, and one foot off the train doesn’t get you anything but dragged along in an uncomfortable way.

Baby steps are the way – and, still, you have to get off the train.

Great thing, though. You can get on and off as much as you wish!

The train of the thrill ride is always running through our heads.

Addiction to whatever fantasy we conjured up in our lives to make our childhoods and lives as livable and bearable and as safe as we could make them still runs through our head, our veins, and the cells of our bodies.

So – do it this way:

Love the thrill ride. Love that Castle of Doom like you’d love the Princess Bonanza. Stop looking for the “turnaround” and look for the gleams of gold in the dark cavern.

Step off the train every now and again and look around.

Fall in love with what you see – even if your head labels it “tame,” “lame,” or “boring.”

Stop trying.

Do Nothing.

Fall in love with it all as if it’s the easiest thing you could ever do (it is).

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

546 Comments

  1.  #1LoveAlways on July 26, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    “Do nothing” has been working for me! The urgency was driving me nuts – feeling better now – more in control of me despite the deep soup of feelings. Thanks Rori.



  2.  #2LoveAlways on July 26, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Going inside to find yourself and heal helps too. You soothe that urge from the inside. You FIND yourself again. You love yourself. You start a new phase of life, your heart beats stronger! And the pain is still there, but the baby steps . . . oh the wonderous baby steps that take you back into yourself . . . you baby step your way back to living a full life of love and beauty and feeling. Soothe yourself



  3.  #3LoveAlways on July 26, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    And circular dating helps – start small. As much as you feel good doing. You will notice men smiling at you. You will notice men enjoy just a quick conversation with you. Men you don’t know start to bestow little gifts upon you (my take out delivery guy gave me money from his native land – I was so touched!!!) That’s good enough sometimes, until you are feeling stronger and ready for more.



  4.  #4Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    “Living from desperation attracts a man who will be both drawn to you and repelled by you. Therein lies the pain.”

    Amazing!

    This is so true…



  5.  #5Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    I had two men randomly write to me today. One I almost never hear from. He wrote to say he had had a dream about me! Lol. The other wrote me a really sweet message. He’s a super nice guy. I actually went on a date with him once and thought he was *too* nice. Which sounds so weird. But it was like candy that’s too super sweet that it makes you feel ill. I know he’s a good person with a good heart, though, and I think we are friends, though I hardly see him.

    Also had a really intense day with family. This is turning out to be a cathartic, eye-opening summer. AND – I may not have found my soul mate yet. But I will say that rori’s tools, and learning how to care for myself and to feels feelings and express them – its amazing. This work has allowed me to relate to my family in a whole new way. No longer do I feel tossed about by their ideas and emotions. I feel strong in who I am, and I don’t mind standing up for myself, and asking for what I need – and receiving it. I don’t feel that I have to “agree” with everyone all the time in order to be accepted or acceptable. And I’ve learned to walk away, or at least take a break when my emotions get too “hot.”

    I attribute some of the calm and centered feeling I’ve had to the medication I’m on. It helps. But I don’t think it helps half as much as the tools I’ve practiced through what I’ve learned on this blog.

    And right now, I feel incredibly grateful for that



  6.  #6Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Hi LoveAlways! Whoo, we’re on the new thread! ; )



  7.  #7LoveAlways on July 26, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Hi Tereana!!
    Wooo Hooo!



  8.  #8prplpsn28 on July 26, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Yep. I’m feeling that frustration right now! Ugh!



  9.  #9Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Ow, my vagina hurts



  10.  #10Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    LALA 🙂



  11.  #11Tereana on July 26, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    I’ve had random vaginal pain before. Usually after intercourse, or wearing a thong for too long. But I’m doing neither of those things right now ; ) lol. But not so lol, because it’s going on for like 5, 10 minutes. It usually goes away after a few seconds, or it’s more dull. This feels kind of specific.

    Should I be worried?

    I only feel okay when sitting up & my knees together. Still hurts, but less. And I’m trying to sleep! Ugh : (

    I have confession to make – and maybe it’s related? I cracked or something. Well, I just felt so excited about what I want to do. I wanted to say thank you to the cute guy who hosted me. And I wrote him a note.

    Nod my vagina hurts.

    Is she trying to tell me something???

    Okay, okay, I get it. He’s not my soul mate. Can I please go to sleep now? I have to get up early for yoga!



  12.  #12Emerson on July 26, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Tereana! Nice to see your name.

    Sirens be careful with online dating. There are unsafe people out there. I’ve met one live and a few online only that give me the dangerous feeling and also some that have been hateful and mean when I’ve told them I’m not interested.



  13.  #13Daria on July 26, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    ok this is trippy for me

    No name CD who i was intimate with last year but really saw a max of 5 times and i didnt think was into me

    he then asked me to come to him when he no longer had a car and i didnt answer twice

    and now… iwas just feeling guilty about him…

    and suddnely hes on the phone… he called

    and says…

    OUT OF NOWHERE PEOPLE!

    that he thinks “im the one” and he thinks about me all the time and he thinks “he may have been in love with me but doesnt say that unless he knows its mutual” and the conversations we’ve had are deeper than with other people ( italked to him about how i wanna raise my kids)

    wtF!

    i was thinking i treated this guy so cold and was so not really interested and he really was just using me for sex and meanwhile…

    he’s realizing im the one

    WTF!

    teary eyes i still dont get how this counterintuitive ish works

    i thought i ignored this guy and hes bothered at how callous i am!

    so maybe im pushing away some guys including him right now by agreeing to drive to them?

    hmmm

    i told him id do it Once

    babysteps



  14.  #14Daria on July 26, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    i practiced some major EFT to get into some “i am in the rhythm of other people and i put myself out there where there are attractive men” vibe



  15.  #15Daria on July 26, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    i had a hidden belief that if i was in the same rhythm as other people i would somehow cause myself guilt and pain by going along with other people being mean/bullying to others

    so i just go opposite gathering rhythms vow

    and im healing this!



  16.  #16Daria on July 26, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    fuchkin Rori… I am only half way through this article and feeling it all the way

    when yo’re getting off the ride of doom, its a small world seems pretty lame… lol



  17.  #17Daria on July 26, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    clinging to the hope of the Princess Bonanza Prize if you can only hold out “til the end….”\\

    thtas me wondering if i woulda gave it my all with bookieman would he have gotten more into me



  18.  #18Emerson on July 26, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    I am still thinking about my cd that was moving out from his ex I called him cuddlyCD but someone asked me to change his name and I am brainstorming … I will call him natureCD…



  19.  #19Emerson on July 26, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Sirens I need to focus my energy on what I want not what I don’t want



  20.  #20Emerson on July 26, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    NatureCD has been on my mind because I liked how I felt in his company … Very affectionate



  21.  #21Wildgeranium on July 26, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    Following
    Feeling sleepy

    <3



  22.  #22Arachne on July 27, 2013 at 2:06 am

    Oh. My. GOD. This post/article/essay is amazing. It felt mesmerizing to read it, and discover so much truth inside! So, so much truth – bits of pieces of experience that much exactly some of what I’ve lived, some of what other people in my life have lived or are still living… So many memories stirred… so thought-provoking and soul-gripping at the same time…. Thank you a million times, Rori! This has to be one of my favorite articles of yours ever (and I think I’ve read all of them).

    I don’t have the time to write about all the thoughts and feelings it triggered, but I’ll definitely be coming back to re-read and delve deeper into this wonderful, almost-cruelly-truthful, enlightening read!



  23.  #23Elsie on July 27, 2013 at 6:26 am

    So, CollegeCD cant make it this Sunday – logistical problems with watching the kids. NO problem. I totally get it. 🙂

    So, we texted and texted, and then he asked if he was EVER going to see me again LOL – because I kept saying….my next few weeks are really hectic – and they ARE – in and out of town for work, etc.

    So last night, we were texting, and I have never asked before, but I just said it would feel good to hear his voice – we usually text. I am SO glad I listened to myself and said it would be good to hear his voice. He asked if something was wrong (something was.) I asked how he knew – he said he could just “tell” by the text. I think because it didnt SOUND like me. The “What do you think?” at the end of my text saying “I would love to hear the sound of your voice” sounds a bit contrived for me and isnt how I really “talk” so it threw him off LOL.

    We literally laughed for over an hour and a half. Just seriously – laughing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that I’m SOOOO busy (really!!!) the next two weeks and will be in and out of town. I really do have so much going on and so getting to see me has been really difficult for him. I’m not doing it on purpose – I really am in higher demand. At first I was worried – oh….will he lose interest because he cant see me easily – NO !!!! HE is more interested !! LOL.

    So I told him I was free Friday and Sat. next week, and then he said – ok – lets do Sat. THEN I got a call from my ex and he said……I cant watch the kiddo on Sat. night, so I had to let College CD know that – and that I really only had Friday – and he was like – oh, ok, I will find a way to try to have SOMEONE, a neighbor ANYONE watch my kids to be with you – I hope it works out. LOL. He actually said “It will then be two weeks since I have seen you….” and he was POUTING. LOL. POUTING!!!!!!!

    Its just funny that now that I am truly truly busy, and as Rori says in this article – I do not have the stink of desperation on me, that now, I’m more attractive.

    Did I mention he was POUTING – in the cutest way of course.

    And then we talked about Pinterest, and I was CRACKING up that he has pinterest boards because seriously – what guy has pinterest boards? LOL

    And then about 15 min after we got off the phone at midnight I get a text….”You sure do have a lot of pins….” I texted back “Are you stalking my pinterest board?” He texted back “ummm……no?” LOL. So funny.



  24.  #24Elsie on July 27, 2013 at 6:30 am

    By the way – this is one of the best articles I’ve EVER read from Rori – and for me that is saying a lot. SO MUCH of it resonated with me. I should print it out and carry it with me. 🙂 Thank you Rori.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on July 27, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Me too Elsie. Getting rid of the stink of desperation.



  26.  #26Femininewoman on July 27, 2013 at 6:45 am

    I guess what better way to get rid oif the stink than cdating.



  27.  #27Wildgeranium on July 27, 2013 at 6:46 am

    I know some guys who use Pinterest 🙂
    All their pins are, like, exotic sports cars, motorcycles, or funny stuff.



  28.  #28BeLoved on July 27, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Laughing, recognizing the ‘desperate’ vibe…desperation is the thing that makes me want to cling to someone for dear life, as if my life literally depended on it.

    I don’t like being on the receiving end of it, either, I feel like a drowning person is trying to take me down with them, then I feel like I’m drowning, too, and want to fight – the “repelled” part.

    Ohhh I feel grateful for this post this morning.
    I woke up to thoughts of wanting to initiate a conversation with C, to propose, let’s be friends, real friends, who can talk about stuff…I can totally let go of any romantic attachments I just want to be able to talk to you when stuff comes up.

    Then I read Daria’s post about nonameCD and I realize, I really don’t know what is going through his mind.

    I choose trust.
    I choose trust.
    I’m okay no matter what.
    I choose trust.

    I need do nothing (sends a wave of feary feelings through my chest).

    Keep the focus on me.
    Shower, review and enjoy the yummy feelings from last nights dreams of hanging out with an old boyfriend I had tons of fun with. Tender, gentle, connected, relaxed feelings.

    T and I talked for 2 hours yesterday…I can feel the difference, the trust growing between us. I believe we both finally feel committed to our connection, wherever it leads, that we are both finally trusting that the other isn’t going to take an axe to it at any moment (only took over a decade 🙂 ).

    He told me that his connection to me is so important to him, that he made sure his new love interest knows who I am to him within 2 hours of meeting her.
    I feel so safe with his transparency. It’s solid. No guessing, no off-balance, I know where I stand, everyone involved knows where we stand.

    He’s not “step up and take charge” guy…at least not for now, I don’t know how things will unfold now that we have some solid trust between us…and
    it IS real, it is love, it’s becoming more and more integral. It gives me a standard. It gives me roots and wings I can take into other parts of my life.

    I feel grateful, grateful, grateful.

    I choose trust.
    I choose trust.

    And now I choose to get my booty in the shower and get on with my day!!



  29.  #29Elsie on July 27, 2013 at 7:09 am

    BeLoved – maybe I’m confused, and I’m sorry if I am. Why are you talking 2 hours to a guy who has a “new love interest”? And why are you saying that you NEED trust from someone who is dating someone else? Or the fact that you believe this is real, and love? What is “this”? Is it just a friendship? I am sorry that I am confused.



  30.  #30Vi on July 27, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I love my fears. I love my not-enoughness. There is a part of me who thinks that I AM enough even though I have all these fears inside me. I choose to see myself with her eyes as I am writing this.



  31.  #31Luzydel on July 27, 2013 at 9:33 am

    I had to reject a cd; I had a gut feeling about it and after going deep within me, I realized that it was more than just my insecurities. I did’nt really feel it for him and I felt a “bad” vibe…



  32.  #32sophie on July 27, 2013 at 9:45 am

    My energy levels are low low low

    I’m getting ready to go out regardless gentle rather than wild one I did a gentle face mask and moisturised with coconut oil I feel all yummy

    I can hear the rain outside my window it sounds peaceful

    yesterday I felt tired and tense yet I meditated for an hour on the train then stayed present to my family and enjoyed the time with my dad and nephews then i went to the sea then meditated on the journey home

    I waited a long time for the bus and was feeling all jagged energy yet somehow maybe the work I’ve been doing still was shining through

    I had an elder man who was waiting for the bus tell me that he’d noticed me as soon as I arrived. He said I looked lovely; ladylike and told me not to change. Then a younger man made sure I didn’t lose my place in the queue when only 3 people could get on and then another man who I vaguely knew turned to his friend to say I was beautiful and had a beautiful smile – wow! thank you world!

    When I was about to go to sleep my friend text me to say thank you for a lovely day the other day and I had helped her with all that had been on her mind.

    Everything doesn’t have to be big and vibrant and one million miles an hour – simple feels good right now

    I never wanted to be close to a man who puts me in a friend category ever again. I am going to tell him that.

    I am going to ease myself through the next few days then I have a lot to do. I need to get back in the world and generate some more income.

    There are so many wonderful wonderful things in my life. I feel very blessed with this gentle unfurling.

    wishing you all the loveliest of days xxx



  33.  #33sophie on July 27, 2013 at 9:50 am

    That’s great Elsie 🙂 It feels so great when the energy is coming forward

    Luzydel – I feel like cheering for you listening to your intuition

    Vi – that feels warm and loving – I am loving myself more consciously right now – I even do lists like even though I feel angry I still love myself, even though I feel tired I love myself completely, even though I feel confused I love myself completely, even though I feel scared I love myself completely….I feel good doing it I feel like I am honouring myself and welcoming every part of me and saying to myself alllll is ok



  34.  #34sophie on July 27, 2013 at 9:52 am

    There are little girls sirens in the garden next door bouncing and bouncing on the trampoline – I can hear them enjoying themselves and singing little songs and this is the best bit it is ABSOLUTELY pouring with rain! yay! little girl sirens I want to get right out there with them 🙂



  35.  #35Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Sophie

    “I never wanted to be close to a man who puts me in a friend category ever again.”

    Yes. I have made a boundary around that. It doesn’t feel good unless you genuinely feel nothing and wanting nothing from them but friendship. It is kinder to yourself.



  36.  #36Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 10:01 am

    This morning D took me out for a little breakfast, and afterwards he was going to go and run errands and I was going to go back to my house.

    He said to me, why don’t you take the spare keys if it will make things easier for you (so that I could come back and pack my things etc.). I felt all warm and glowy thinking about him offering me keys to his house. (It might not be a permanent thing, I’m not sure) but it shows he felt safe with me.



  37.  #37Glimmer on July 27, 2013 at 10:07 am

    The man I dated for 9 months, lets me know that he is emotionally unavailable. Since he knew I wanted a relationship that moves forward and grows, he thought it was best to move on. A few weeks later he contacts me and asks for his guitar that he left at my place. We scheduled a time to meet but he rescheduled. The following week he stops by to pick up his guitar. We talked and caught up. A few hours later, he left but forgot his guitar. He stayed in touch for a couple more weeks and never mentioned his guitar. Then he offered to help me get estimates for my car. When we met at the body shop, he walked towards me with gifts. He gave me a shirt that he had special made for me, CDs and photos from one of our photo shoots of birds. I was thankful and felt happy. The following week he called me and told me he was going to re-string his guitar (so it wouldn’t hurt my fingers) and give it to me. I felt so excited. Two days later, he called and told me he was shopping at a store and he came across a beginner guitar and bought it for me. A few days later he brought it to me. He gave me a guitar lesson, dinner and a movie. Great time. Then before he left, he asked if he could take his guitar. We smiled and hugged. Next day, he texted and told me he had a fun time and had just replayed the evening in his mind. I felt so happy. I responded and told him I had a great time as well and told him I was motivated to play my first song. He said great, talk to you later rock star.. It’s been over a week and have not heard from him since. I have not contacted him. I feel hurt, angry and sad. I feel confused as well. I don’t know what happened but I feel deceived by all the gift giving. Did he only want his guitar back?



  38.  #38Melanie Murphy Myer on July 27, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Sophie, I love your post about the little girl sirens! 🙂



  39.  #39Rori Raye on July 27, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Glimmer – He just wants to be friends. He’s either not interested in more – or simply not ABLE – Please, please Circular Date!!Love, Rori



  40.  #40Daria on July 27, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Sirens – i did it. I waited him out… it’s been 5 weeks not 8.

    I could feel him in my thoughts the past few days… even brought him up on blog

    I felt different and more open

    The Ride of Doom i wondered if i left too early lol

    and now he’s texted me this morning an hour ago

    Bookie:

    “You Gotta come through… it’s been so long and i can’t make it over there”

    there are also two texts from him late last nite .. a nite i took it in early…

    I feel pleased

    sigh

    I knew it!



  41.  #41Daria on July 27, 2013 at 10:45 am

    and as i told neighbor CD … i know good pussy is not forgotten

    apparently No Name CD (who reappeared last nite too) has even been induced to think i’m the One thanks to it



  42.  #42Daria on July 27, 2013 at 10:46 am

    THERES A FREAKIN TEXT FROM HIM!

    WTF



  43.  #43surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I just wrote a brave email to my man of 2 years dating. I’ve been out of my 25 yr marriage for 4 years. This man is wonderful, calming, kind, generous…so many of the things I needed after the Ride of Doom and euphoria of “almost but not quite…ever.”

    What has happened for me, though, is that this good, gentle man has also become complacent. Sometimes it feels like our connection is taken for granted. I gave him the “I’m just a girl” speech and reminded him of the ways in which he’s made me “swoon” in the past (the little things –like texts to look at the moon with him, or how he’d talk to me during sex rather than being silent).

    I miss passion. I don’t miss crazy though. I remember passion coming through crazy and it was scary and awful and overwhelming and violating.

    What I had with this man was passion and safety. Now it just feels safe.

    I know better than to try to get him to change. I also know that I can’t tell him what to do. I shared my feelings and I’m hoping he can hear the spirit of what I shared.

    Rori, your work has been invaluable to me. Leaning back, being present, loving what is, sinking into my feelings, noticing my body, gazing at my man rather than scrutinizing him, letting him communicate non-verbally to me, looking out the window and letting space and time go by, letting my vibe become grounded and centered.

    I feel I’ve done these to the best of my ability. I sometimes don’t know when to speak up. I still can’t do it in person very well. I have PTSD from abuse. So I used email this time.

    If you have any words for me…I don’t want to lose a good man but I can’t keep pretending to be fulfilled when there is this gulf between what was (in the first 6-8 months) and what we have now.

    Thoughts?



  44.  #44Glimmer on July 27, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Thank you, Rori! I did start circular dating recently. I feel sad and i do care. But, I don’t need or have the time for a male friend that I have feelings for romantically. I appreciate your advice!



  45.  #45Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 11:07 am

    surferchica,

    Just some thoughts from my side.

    Nothing seems to bring out passion in a man as when you fall in love with yourself.

    This is a really wonderful thing to experiment with – during sex, whilst talking to him, whilst being with him or being by yourself. Try different things to become really and truly fascinated with yourself – not in an egotistical way, but in a way that really, truly loves yourself and just thinks you are the best thing (you are, to you).

    Try changing the way you stand, the way you tilt your head, the way you smile, your gestures, your words, your voice, to give across the impression that you are the most sireny, feminine, enchanting and alluring creature, and see whether this ignites a fire in your man… For me, and I don’t know if it is the same with other sirens, but for me, passion is all about how I feel within myself, and very little to do with “romantic” things that he does, but rather how he responds to my energy.



  46.  #46surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 11:16 am

    That’s super helpful! I want to think more about that. Sometimes I feel like when I’m in that mode (where I’m well aware of my power and sensuality), he defuses it (like he’s trying to neutralize the energy so it’s not so demanding of him). Does that make sense?

    I want to experiment more with this, though. If you have specific ideas, that would help me.



  47.  #47Syreena on July 27, 2013 at 11:35 am

    I have been there felt that sence of urgency desperation, having to do smomething have an answer right now. Or having another do something give me an answer right now.

    And I have been on the receiving end of other people doing it to me.

    Pure panic, pure adrenalin.
    And yes wanting that help.
    And yes wanting to give that help and be repelled at the same time.

    In some circumstances though that pure fear and panic and sense of impending doom has saved mine and my childrens lives. That if don’t act now or get someone to helo me me or them are going to die. Rare moments.
    My question is that not then coming from a place of both love and fear in those circumstances? As in fear of our own or childrens death who we love and if we don’t do something we or they will die?

    But in most ocassions it has been because of seeing that if I ignore it and do not act that latter down the line me not doing something or another person not doing something will have detrimental effects in the long run.

    I personally do not believe I give off this vibe 24/7. But have been there and know people who like me do it now and again. Those people I really want to help in the moment.
    The others who do it 24/7 I used to want to help but now I am mainly repelled or when the do really need geniune help I find myself offering the minimum or wanting more to point them in the right direction and facillitate.

    It feels heartbreaking with one person I know her child who can be delightful and helpful to me told me they deliberatly don’t help and go out of there way to see their mum in this state od distress because they hate her. 🙁 that makes me feel very sad.

    Yes I fell able to see this cycle of distress fear and desperation.

    Sometimes this is genuine out of our control situations and circumstances.
    And sometimes we play a part in causing or choosing this for ourselves.
    It isn’t always easy in the latter choosing to know what to do to stop doing that.
    Isn’t the jury still out on if free will really exists?
    Are we really able to choose to stop being an addict?
    Do addicts even if they get off one addiction really stop being addicts? Or do they just then become addicted to something else?



  48.  #48Olivia on July 27, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    This post is great in so many ways.

    I am officially off of the thrill ride. It was a lifestyle, for sure, that extended into all areas of my life.



  49.  #49Lisa on July 27, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I have new men interested… I’m still having heartache but clarity and still the triggers still are bubbling up stuff to look at… it feels good to now go deeper, deeper into inquiry with myself…

    and I’m confused to what “stop looking for the turnaround means” as for me doing the work the turnaround is the most precious gift of all…

    I loved this part: “Addiction to whatever fantasy we conjured up in our lives to make our childhoods and lives as livable and bearable and as safe as we could make them still runs through our head, our veins, and the cells of our bodies. ”

    I call it core beliefs instead of addictions, but it still what drives us to do what we do… that same old story that we learned to cope with..

    Mine I found today was…. “I have to earn love” that bubbled up after reading Rori’s posts…

    so deeper into myself I go to find where I don’t have to earn love…

    and desperation is something we all feel at times.. the problem is, is it what drives up most of the time or just on occasion …. we all feel anxious at times… and needy at times… it just happens… for me, I can find it…. but it isn’t me all the time..not even half the time…

    I looked at it though and could find that tiny part still inside me like a splinter deeply embedded in my foot that was so small I couldn’t see it…and I released it…

    OXXO



  50.  #50Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    surferchica,

    “he’s trying to neutralize the energy so it’s not so demanding of him”

    Is it demanding of him? Because unfortunately, that will tend to push a man away. Your energy actually needs to not ask anything of a man, in my view, in order for him to feel safe. It needs to be all about you, without expectations.

    Have you tried perhaps changing up the clothes you wear? the make-up you use? taking dancing classes… walking around the house in high heels… getting some lotions or gorgeous smelling perfumes for yourself… I don’t know, these are just some of the things I would do when I want to feel like a goddess, for *me*



  51.  #51surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Okay, I think I hear you. I do live the way you are describing, and I think that makes me sad sometimes that other men notice and comment (even my yard guy!) and my own BF just doesn’t any more. He used to!

    If I’m a little flirty in text, he will ignore it and move back to talking about sports or our day. But in the beginning of the relationship, he’d initiate or be playful with me. So I’ve stopped.

    That’s the issue, really. I am not sure where to go from here.



  52.  #52surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Thanks for exploring this with me Indigo.

    Btw, do some men, once they are settled in the relationship, simply want the companionship and not the other energy? I want to have realistic expectations but I also really love the passion side of relationships. I don’t want dysfunction or abuse.



  53.  #53Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    surferchica,

    I know what you mean! D is much the same.

    Yet I ask you to consider whether it’s disinterest, or simply comfort. Remember, in the beginning of a relationship, it is normal for a guy to be flirtier and more playful. I’m not so convinced that this is the way they naturally are when they are just being themselves.

    Personally, what has helped me IMMENSELY, is just doing these things for me, even flirting, and imagining that he is getting the same pleasure out of it that I am. This seems to have changed his energy as he no longer feels that pressure to perform from me, and yes I do sense more positive gooeyness and passion from him as a result. But I really think it starts with appreciating what is there already. Only you know if that is enough. xx



  54.  #54surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Thank you Indigo! That’s hugely helpful. That’s what I wanted to know. I think I’ll see how I do with your advice and then evaluate again. We have a vacation coming up and that may be a good time to see how his energy is away from home and work. I appreciate everything you said.



  55.  #55Indigo on July 27, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I really love this man!

    I had a bit of a wobbley moment (that’s all it was, a little wobble) because tonight was D first drinks out with the guys to watch the game at the pub since we reconnected. And I sent him a kind of emotional, but very carefully and gently worded message making it all about me, about how I would like to know what the bounds of this is, and how I trusted him but had this little niggley voice.

    And instead of replying to my message to reassure me, he messaged me as soon as he got home from the pub (pretty early) to let me know he was home, which felt so much better.



  56.  #56Femininewoman on July 27, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    ((((((Lisa)))))))))). It can only get better



  57.  #57Wildgeranium on July 27, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Lisa,

    Love the splinter analogy. I can feel it!

    XO



  58.  #58Dominique on July 27, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    superchica – 52 – Yes it’s possible, yet the total opposite is also possible. I’ve been with K for over eleven years, and the time and attention, affection and connection, sex and intimacy have only deepened and become more.

    Passion is an interesting word. It might be worthwhile to explore this in yourself to see what it means to you. For me it’s the way I live my life. And this includes the life with K. For example sex may feel more comfortable because we know each other so well, but in every way it feels better and more connected and more intimate because to the familiarity. It’s never boring. And it’s a frequent event for us.

    Maybe ask yourself what you are looking for in this man or any man.

    xxoo



  59.  #59Dominique on July 27, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    surferchica – these two articles may help you.

    http://sexandheart.com/loving-him-for-who-he-is

    xxoo



  60.  #60Dominique on July 27, 2013 at 2:10 pm


  61.  #61Dominique on July 27, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Here’s another one surferchica.

    http://sexandheart.com/when-your-mans-love-doesnt-feel-enough

    xxoo



  62.  #62surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    I think that is what I’m doing. Asking myself what I want in a relationship with any man.

    In the rest of my life, I’m an active, vibrant person with many close friends and a healthy business (I own it). I’m well loved and know it. I don’t lack for anything.

    So I can’t tell if I’m being too picky here or if it is just not a true fit. There’s so much I love about this man!

    Passion for me is the feeling of connection—shared memories and story, inside jokes, playful texts, and the sense that what I share with my man isn’t what I have with girlfriends or family. Right now, I feel more like his buddy than his girlfriend. He’s an excellent buddy! But you know what I mean? At first, I felt like his girlfriend, like he desired me.

    Comfortable is wonderful and can be very sexy. I want what you are talking about.



  63.  #63surferchica on July 27, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Dominique, I’ve done a lot of work on the “outside in” and “inside out” way of being in therapy the last several years. I have spent this last year with my man looking at him in the ways you talk about: seeing how he expresses love, accepting what he offers, being open to him and not expecting. I’ve allowed for him to be himself without my asking for “more.”

    But cumulatively, I’m not feeling closer to him, even as I believe I’ve loved him for who he is.

    I love this from your writing:

    “Here is something to try. Whenever your man says something or does something which you know is his way of expressing his love for you, try summoning up those feelings you felt when you were taking your bows or when you were praised for the amazing work you did on something which felt important to you. Or whatever it was which made you feel SO loved.

    “Try bringing the two together so you can start to feel those same or even deeper feelings when you are truly being loved by your man. It will be an interesting experiment.”

    I don’t know if I’ve been successful at that, but I have held that practice in mind many times this year. We’re going out tonight. I will let myself be in that space tonight and see how it goes. Thanks for reaching out. You have a great site! I’ll be reading more.



  64.  #64BeLoved on July 27, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Elsie – yes, T is a friend.
    He’s an Alanis Morissette “Everything” song friend 🙂
    We were primaries in a “poly” relationship for several years. We were also engaged to be married for a while and since then, our connection has sustained.
    We’ve been NC at my request here and there, but he has never asked me to be NC with him.
    We just get each other, really really get each other.
    I have felt so polarized over my feelings for him, SO much hate, so many stories, so much sludge and crap has come up to clear and…
    when the smoke clears, we smile at each other, and laugh and re-connect with more intimacy than before.

    We only talked about his new gf for a bit. Most of the rest of the conversation was about our shared vision – we feel aligned in purpose and what we are here to do on the planet. Cleared up some old stuff.

    It’s important to me that it is real! Yes! I’ve been through so much of the fake crap, I didn’t know what was what!
    Consistency. 11 years of consistency and continually re-connecting at new levels, in new ways, being ‘different’ yet the same, is finally seeping in 🙂
    I don’t know that I “need” trust with him so much as it is showing up naturally the more I trust myself and life itself.



  65.  #65Dominique on July 27, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    surferchica – And as you say, it may be that he is not right for you which feels sad, yet the sadness can pass into something better feeling. If nothing else, he has given you a great gift, one of healing and deeper understanding of yourself and what you want.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  66.  #66miranda faith on July 27, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Just had a snickers and it really was good. Think I will have a cigarette and try to make this my last pack.



  67.  #67miranda faith on July 27, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Feeling tired also, have been doing a lot thinking lately about myself, and it just seems like this journey for love and self realization has led me to a place that says STOP. So thinking I’m going to stop the journey. I have given my very best and still screams for more to consume without satisfaction. Don’t know how I will stop yet, think I will just take a very long nap and let this all fade away… Sleep is a drink away. Little ghost feet sleep with me.



  68.  #68miranda faith on July 27, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    .



  69.  #69Denise on July 27, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Hi ladies,

    Some of you know my story already. Husband moved out and we have children together. I want to work things out because I feel I messed up so the great advice I got from you guys was to give him space. I pay the bills in the house and he pays the mortgage. He hasn’t been giving me child support as often because he feels he doesn’t have to because he pays the mortgage. Should I take him to court? Also my mom and I got into a very ugly fight. She called my husband and told him things about me. I feel betrayed by both of them but especially him because I feel he shouldn’t have entertained her. I’m feel very hurt and expressed it to him with a negative reply from him. He also said he loves me but not in love with me. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time. Thoughts please? Thanks.



  70.  #70Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    So many options of things to do and see. People to meet and men to meet.
    Sometimes I make things harder than they really are. I want to listen to my instincts better and save myself from wasting time.
    In thinking I am being “open” I’m actually settling for people I know are not right for me.
    Yay instincts… They’ve been sharp lately 🙂



  71.  #71Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Wow Denise I’m sorry



  72.  #72Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    31 yay luzydel that’s what I mean about instincts…



  73.  #73Lisa on July 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    So much pain came up tonight while meeting new people and dancing having fun… chatting… that is good sign…that I’m moving on…

    I’m smiling at men,,, they smile too… and yet… damn.. I miss him… but I’m not allowing it to consume me… I have plans tomorrow night also, and a new man and I have plans for walk on Wed…

    I get what Rori says about letting it go out of my mind… I do…

    I still feel weird… sad… heartbroken

    and part of me wants to try and make sense of it… I can’t and that is ok.. I tell myself it’s ok the way it was, was perfect.. now look at all you have learned about yourself.. I find my mistakes in the relationship with “M” and than I have a brief Oh I caused his behavior… then I think OH no I can’t take responsibility for his behavior…. or his feelings, or his lack of communication…or his wounds… I might have contributed… but it wasn’t all me…

    I see how I set it all up… I see how I attract avoidant men ( the books term not mine not trying to label here.) b/c I don’t speak much during the first dates etc… and with “M” I rarely ever got a word in… I also, gave him his way…he liked that.. I thought that was leading the relationship, it wasn’t… he didn’t ask what I wanted until 6mos into dating…and then only once. UMMM big read flag… I saw it and cried about it, expressed my feeling messages.. but still he said nothing…

    He needed me to be the co-dependent one and blamed me for his decisions ( ie not leaving earlier from my house)… Ok another red flag that I allowed to continue… I did speak up… but not enough…

    I can so see how I enabled these behaviors to continue and thought I was being feminine when I was being passive… and scared to speak up…

    I can find the repeat of me… hearing him always talking about himself… and me letting him, thinking I was being patient… maybe he needed time to relax and get to know me,, although he rarely ever ask about me, what I like etc… even at 6mos.. I allowed it to continue, I did nothing

    I can so find that I saw the red flags, but didn’t do anything about them… that isn’t being feminine… it’s just being too tolerant.. another pattern of mine..

    all these things come to me today…that made me realize that as good as he was in some ways… there were still big issues in the relationship from the beginning…and not having time for a relationship and making it my fault… was the biggest one… I can find though how that is a pattern too… from my past…being to blame for others decisions.. I’m working on that one… trying to find the core belief…

    Lots of clarity, lots of tears…..

    OXOXOX



  74.  #74Vi on July 27, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Sophie – 🙂



  75.  #75Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Denise maybe you won’t have to take him to court if you go to a mediator? That way he knows you’re serious…



  76.  #76Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Hi Emerson – nice to see you, too!

    I was away from the blog for a while. Not for any particular reason, it just happened.

    I’m curious, did your comment about meeting men online have something to do with my post, or was that just a recent experience you had?

    If so, I hope you’re ok : /



  77.  #77Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Lisa thank you for sharing that I can relate to the point about being too tolerant and mistaking it for being feminine…
    I’ve done that and it’s a pattern I learned from my mom…



  78.  #78Vi on July 27, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    ((((((Denise)))))) Your comment made me think of Circular Dating tool and Feeling Messages… this is so great you’re trying to take care of you and your kids!



  79.  #79Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I did, in fact, start talking to this guy online. That was a while back. More than a year, I think. He would contact me whenever he was lonely, I guess. And I was scared to meet him. I thought he might be secretly a psycho or something. I was so nervous, I sent him a bunch of texts beforehand (needy, much?). I was afraid he might kill me in my sleep or something. But then be came through and told me where to meet him, and I felt better.

    The whole time I was in his city (one night), I felt amazing. Even before I saw him, I was loving the place. The people, the vibe. I was really enjoying it.

    And I’m glad I met him in person. Because he was both the same and different than I expected. He was way cute, in a nerdy, adorable way. I got to see him without his glasses, which was even cuter. And I found out that his not talking much wasn’t because he was bored or only interested in sex. If anything, I think he was super nervous, and also that he’s just not a big talker. Some people aren’t.

    He was a lot sweeter and less sex-obsessed than I had come to believe. And he totally didn’t push me at all. He said we didn’t have to, and he meant it. I knew I didn’t have to. But I was feeling good, and I wanted to.

    I sent the note, expressing gratitude. And the fact that I am now thinking of moving to that city has to do with the city itself and how I felt there. I’m not moving for him, because a) that would be nuts and totally delusional and not realistic, and b) I’ve only met the guy once, that’s ridiculous (see “a”). Even if he were my “boyfriend” I still wouldn’t do that “for him.” I’d need to have my own reasons



  80.  #80Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Tereana !!:-)
    Not it was not cuz of your post I recently had some men act really weird and stalkerish, sending hateful messages when they found out I’m not interested.
    By the way, nature CD is Indian 😉



  81.  #81Denise on July 27, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Thanks ladies. I do the feeling messages but not too sure about the circular dating but I’m starting to think that maybe what I need.

    Emerson: I was thinking about that but I keep thinking it will push him further away. Ugh.



  82.  #82Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I might have overreacted about my va-jay-jay last night. Or made up a story about it, or whatever. It did really hurt, which was weird. I always get scared when I have random pains like that.

    Does anyone else experience something similar?

    I’ve only heard about it with abuse victims, or if there’s something wrong, like cancer. So I get scared. I’ve never been diagnosed with vulvodynia, but that sounds even more intense than what I feel.

    Anyway, I was stressed out last night from the confrontation with my aunt. That could have contributed, perhaps. But I got up super early this morning for yoga, and now my body feels amazing. Including my va-jay-jay!!

    Yay!



  83.  #83Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    76 tereana remind me wha roost of yours you’re referring to I can’t recall and hard to see on my phone



  84.  #84Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Emerson – Ew, weird stalker guys! Yuck 🙁

    But yay, Indian CDs! : )



  85.  #85Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Emerson – I’ll have to check, but I think it’s in the last thread. Need to go to bed soon, bc I’m getting a headache.

    But not all online sites are the same. Nor are the men the same. I’ve been scared before by horror stories. But overall, I’ve been impressed and surprised at how “normal” most of the guys online are.

    And I’m glad I took a chance to meet this guy. He was even less creepy than I thought!! Lol. It was kind of a carpe Diem thing. And it was nice. He had a 9 a.m. Meeting, which he took over the phone so I could sleep a bit more. Then he helped me take my bags to the subway on his way to work. He said that where I was going was “lucky” to have me. That made me blush 🙂



  86.  #86Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Denise
    I feel angry that your husband is putting you in this position with your children. I feel friend face and rage that he can just decide not to pay you child support. Nice that he pays the mortgage but is that enough to live?
    I feel angry hearing that he told you he “loves” you but not “in love” with you…. That is so hackneyed and unoriginal…and selfish.
    I guess I have some anger issues around this because I’ve been in a different but similar position and I wish I handled things differently



  87.  #87Tereana on July 27, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Just briefly – I met this guy online a while ago (on an Indian dating site ; ). We skyped. And he talked about coming to visit me, but I was nervous, and afraid he’d expect me to sleep with him. He never did come visit. But he contacts me now and then. Recently, I just happened to be passing through his city, and he said I could come stay with him for the night. Like I said, I was nervous about that, too. But this is why I like meeting people in person – you get to really feel their vibe and who they are and where they are at. You miss a lot of that by phone, video, or email. You just can’t replace the real thing!

    That said, definitely be careful about whom you meet or engage with. I’ve had guys say mean or unpleasant things by messaging, too. I just block them if I can…

    Sorry that’s happened. Sounds super stressful 🙁



  88.  #88Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Ok my phone keeps autocorrect what I say I don’t know what friend face rage is lol but anyways you get the idea…

    Also tereana sorry about the headache and yay about your vajay jay feeling better!

    I feel dreamy about natureCd even tho he is sooo not my “type”…



  89.  #89Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Hmmm tereana I may have to explore the Indian dating site I feel curious!! NatureCD is so affectionate and cute and fun!
    Sigh… Dreamy…

    Thanks for the nice words yah I just don’t reply when they get weird or mean. Not feeding the fire usually works…
    I didn’t really let it stress me..
    I am careful not to tell much detail to new people …



  90.  #90Lisa on July 27, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    @Emerson

    Oh really! Yes, I think so too… that and so many dating coaches saying to be patient with me… that they need a little extra time… but really I think I went overboard…

    I can’t put my finger on the core belief though..

    but I sure have gotten it from my Mom about giving men their way…

    OXOXO



  91.  #91Denise on July 27, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Emerson: I honestly didn’t know how to process the I love you but not in love with you because years ago he told me he didn’t know the difference. I feel he says things out of anger or to piss me off. I feel that he thinks I won’t file for divorce or child support because I want my family together but at the same time I feel my happiness comes first. I’m not happy that he spoke to my mother behind my back and feel that was a deal breaker. What to do,what to do?



  92.  #92Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Tereana I get really bad stress stomach pains and I worry something is “wrong” but it goes away when I can myself down and lay down literally flat on my back… I have to “unfold” myself



  93.  #93Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    91 wow Denise the talking to your mom thing is REALLY hurtful ….pfffft
    Betrayal runs a deep scar for me… I feel this still with some family members…



  94.  #94Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Denise,
    It could be helpful just to speak with a lawyer, so that you know more where you stand financially.



  95.  #95Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Loved this post from Rori!!!

    I started the final break up with an unavailable guy on February 1. I barely spoke with him or saw him…finally he got the last of his large heavy furniture out of my home ten weeks ago…Ten weeks and two days no contact.

    Mostly it’s good. I feel free. I feel at peace.

    I also miss him…

    Had a date on Thursday. It was pretty nice, however he’s ultimately looking for a woman to help support him.

    I have little wiggly parts at times in my no contact. I know it is for the best.

    My life has been really changing since I told him in February.

    Sometimes though that no contact forever part feels hard. My life though is opening and deepening in new ways. It is very exciting. I am saying yes to me!

    Thanks, Rori!



  96.  #96Elsie on July 27, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    miranda – are you ok? Your last posts seemed a bit desparate – I’m hoping you are alright



  97.  #97Denise on July 27, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    Emerson:

    Yes. My mother has issues so her part don’t surprise me. His does. I’m starting to think he’s becoming toxic although he may blame me for it. I’ve accepted responsibly for my actions and was forgiven but he constant throws my past behavior in my face like its a crutch.

    Starbright: I spoke to lawyer a while back to see where I stood. Being that I have 4 kids and work part time I will get more divorced than being with him. He seems to think I won’t get much but he has not filed for divorce yet but assures me that’s where we are headed. Just last week we went to the amusement park as a family, he asked me out on a date and spent the night and day at the house. I feel like he’s the woman in this relationship.



  98.  #98Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    And, these are the reasons that I had to get off the thrill ride. I so hope that I can truly own my power and really experience love!!!

    “Yet know the price of the thrill ride:

    You never, ever get to find out who you really are, or how much power you really have, or how much love you can really experience.

    One foot on the train, and one foot off the train doesn’t get you anything but dragged along in an uncomfortable way.

    Baby steps are the way – and, still, you have to get off the train.”



  99.  #99Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    93 I want to heal this though… But there is a payoff for me to hold onto the anger:… I feel mistrustful



  100.  #100Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Denise,

    It’s possible too that he knows you could get more and he’s hoping he can get by for some time with paying you less than you could have if divorced.

    Sounds tough! What do you really want?



  101.  #101Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    And, no child support with four kids! Wow!



  102.  #102Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Denise… Ugh, he sounds like a jerk talking to your mom behind your back!



  103.  #103Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    I feel at peace knowing I had let toxic men go and survived….



  104.  #104Starbright on July 27, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Emerson…and most likely even “thrived?”



  105.  #105Wildgeranium on July 27, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Ugh. The whole “I love you but am not in love with you” thing triggers me 40 ways to Sunday. Been on the receiving end of that a few times. In retrospect, it just spoke volumes about the guy. Mostly just his incredibly low self- esteem at the time. I think if a man said that to me know I’d respond ” oh, grow the eff up!” I see my role in the specific situation, but the statement itself is just a cop-out.

    XO



  106.  #106Wildgeranium on July 27, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Now not know….sigh



  107.  #107Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    I feel happy going to bed early !!



  108.  #108Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    104 haha star bright yes!



  109.  #109Denise on July 27, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Well I really wanted to work things out that’s why I focus on Rori Raye tools. I also feel he’s stalling our divorce. The I love you but I’m not in love with didn’t bother me too much because our connection has been gone for awhile. The talking to my mom behind my back got me burning. He thinks I care about what she may have said, no it’s the fact that you knew we was fighting and you choose to entertain her more.

    Hi wildgeranium:
    I too see and feel the same way. We have been separated for about 5 months and he didn’t say that before.



  110.  #110Emerson on July 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Wild geranium yes a cop out is right



  111.  #111BeLoved on July 28, 2013 at 2:17 am

    I started reading a Sondra Ray book called, “I Deserve Love”. The first chapter I randomly opened up to, was about letting go of sexual fantasies.
    I immediately thought of the most persistent sexual fantasy I’ve had for …a while…
    which involves being “Good”.
    I want to be the “good” girl.
    What if I didn’t have to be “good” anymore?
    If I didn’t fantasize about being “good”?

    My mind has been reeling. I woke up from a dream of reviewing all of the missed opportunities with my son…I let go of feeling regret.
    I realized that part of what has driven me here to live with my mom is wanting to be a “good” daughter. Live life the way I believed she wanted me to.
    I had fantasies of taking care of her when she gets older, because that’s what she always wanted – someone to take care of her when she gets old.
    I wanted to be ‘good’, be ‘good’ for her, be the shining light that she thought I was going to be for her when she adopted me.

    And…everything in me is telling me GO.
    Get out.
    My body feels like it is at a crisis point.
    The pain is excruciating.
    I feel like every autoimmune disease known to man is cropping up in my body.
    I can barely eat anything without some kind of allergic reaction.

    I want to be here for my grandson’s birth because I want to be a “good” mom.
    Truth is…I kind of suck at motherhood.
    I am totally awesome with pregnancy, birth, babies…I am the baby whisperer…
    as a mother? I made one sh!t choice after another.
    Every time I could get out of the house and go seek love from some man, I did.
    I chose men who beat me, stalked me, were horrible to me and my son.

    I am not beating myself up here! I’m just getting real.

    What if I don’t have to worry about being good anymore?
    I can just be me.
    What if, me sticking around trying to be ‘good’ and making myself miserable, isn’t really helping anyone?

    I don’t think I will make it until December when the baby is born without causing myself tremendous pain…
    I feel Oregon calling my soul.

    All that might change in the morning after some more sleep, not sure…
    this is just what I’m feeling now.

    Feels like…fire all up and down the sides of my neck, I can barely turn my head, fire all down my spine.

    Gonna try to go back to sleep and lucid dream it out…



  112.  #112Indigo on July 28, 2013 at 2:34 am

    Denise,

    If it were me, and this is just my personality, so I know it may not be right for everyone,

    I would get assertive with him, and my mom for that matter. In a kind way, but a totally firm way. To him, I’d get a lawyer or mediator involved, get very clear on what I needed financially and with a totally cool and clear head set up a meeting to talk about it. I don’t think that will push him away – most people do understand the reasonableness of this, and it may raise your respect in his eyes.

    With my mom, I’d call her up and say that I don’t wish to be discussed behind my back, and that I’d appreciate it if she did not get involved. Again, kind and firm.

    Just my perspective, but I think you may not have a chance of getting him back until you really start loving yourself, getting clear on what you want, and doing what is best for you. In love though, and not to hurt him.

    Hope this is helpful.



  113.  #113Zia on July 28, 2013 at 3:49 am

    I feel a little sad that there are still no men coming into my life that I have an interest in, with whom I could date.



  114.  #114Emerson on July 28, 2013 at 5:44 am

    113 zia
    I’m in a dry spell too. No a lot of new prospects.
    For me what helps is picturing what I want in a partner and by that i mean imagining how I will FEEL with him..
    It attracts the right people:)
    Also switch around your routine a bit…change is good …I joined a few meetup groups and will see what happens!
    Hugs!!



  115.  #115Femininewoman on July 28, 2013 at 6:09 am

    I decree I dwell in the midst of Infinite Abundance. The Abundance of the Universe is my Infinite Source. The river of life never stops flowing. It flows through me in lavish expression. The Univers works in myriad ways to bless me.



  116.  #116Femininewoman on July 28, 2013 at 6:11 am

    By the power of my belief and deep rapport with the Universe my abundance is made manifest.



  117.  #117Zia on July 28, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Great idea Emerson, I keep forgetting to really visualise it. Will focus on doing that 🙂

    Ive taken my online dating profiles for now and have changed tack – went out with a bunch of girls last night who I haven’t been out with before. Had HEAPS of fun with them, and there were so many men out and about but still… I think I need to practise being open and talking to everyone.



  118.  #118BeLoved on July 28, 2013 at 6:27 am

    oh dear heavens
    I dreamed this morning a jaunt through some of the dark parts of my psyche…
    the message I realized some men had given me was, “your love has hooks in it”
    I was walking through this dream space
    in so much pain
    scene after scene after scene of
    me being tortured
    In one, I had something like one of those barbed dog collars, wrapped around my throat several times
    Another…I won’t get too graphic, but lots of safety pins (noticing ‘safety’) through various places in my body
    bloody
    slowly I was releasing and freeing myself bit by bit

    It feels like the wheels of self-forgiveness are set in motion….
    I’ll just keep turning back to choosing trust and “God is the love in which I forgive”.
    Plus tap on these affirmations from the “I deserve love” book. Eye-opening. Wow.

    I just got a message from a guy who has a list of “10 reasons why I will be your best boyfriend ever”
    and I can’t say I feel like I measure up right now.
    One of them is, “You will be proud to be seen with me”.
    I *want* that, I don’t believe that right now, that someone would be proud to be seen with me. I feel like a mess.
    So…
    tapping
    self-care
    loving me

    Taking the hooks out of my love….

    .



  119.  #119Lisa on July 28, 2013 at 6:49 am

    @Wildgeranium

    Yes, exactly grow the f… up.! I wanted to say that several times…

    that and whining about all the stuff he whined about… it was like a young boy…. or a mama’s boy who hadn’t grown up yet… too much for me… I’m not interested as @FW said … of being a man’s Mama… or in a relationship with a boy as Barry Price says. Live and learn…

    for sure though with the extreme fears of commitment ( I know b/c I used to have it) when it comes down to it… It happens…a person can cut the cord in a flash… It took me years to figure out why I had such extreme fear of commitment.. but it boiled down to, I was getting involved with people I had not real interest in …. oops!!.. then when it came to commitment time.. I woke up and said OH! what am I doing with this person…( I did love them but, not enough) I learned from that, and became better at discerning who to get involved with…. I’ve been on both ends of it… and I had that feeling log before we started having discussion about ending it….. when someone has been through bad trauma… it can happen… ( which was in my case) I was a commitaphobic… I’m not now b/c I’ve worked through it… but it can be very severe I used to have diarrhea and nausea and break out in sweats…

    “M” had all of that going on… he had some severe reactions when our relationship got more intimate… he had to carry medicine for the diarrhea… Not for me to decide about whether he is a phobic of commitment but for sure he and I discussed his reactions to deepening intimacy…..and that’s why he ultimately broke it off, he realized he had the traits… b/c of his wounds.. but in the end it was a mutual decision to end it.. I was done too! He realized that he had issues with intimacy and needing lots of alone time, and he realized he and I were not compatible in that way… and I had already come to that conclusion earlier that day…. I was just hoping he might want to work though it… and he doesn’t. that’s ok, b/c there were the other issues also… it’s really for the better… I choose to be in a relationship with a man that is really interested in ME and what I like, just like I am his..for me it needs to be mutual interest… “M” just wasn’t… and through using my feeling messages and talked about it, it didn’t change.. for me it needs to be an easier flow… as Dominique said.. it’s suppose to be easy..

    It appeared it was easy with “M” b/c I wasn’t saying much and he was doing all the talking about himself. I was waiting on him to show interest in hearing about me… And I was giving him his way ( not speaking up enough), b/c it was clear that is what he had to have… so it was easy for him, but not me. WOW I really needed to hear myself say that… I cried about 1 week before our 6mos b/c he finally ask me what I wanted and I realized that was the first time he had ever ask me. That’s huge!

    Moving onward still having heart break but I’m sleeping now…. I have 2 men interested and more on match.com but I haven’t enrolled yet…

    OXOXOXO



  120.  #120Lisa on July 28, 2013 at 7:29 am

    @Beloved I love that! Thanks!

    Taking the hooks out of my love!

    Yes! Love for me is letting go…. and i’m still working on that… Love isn’t needing or wanting a person to love you back.. Love is letting them go over and over to do what they do… and still loving them ….

    I needed to hear that… I’m going to do the work on that… again…

    taking the hooks out of my love… !!

    <3

    OXOXO



  121.  #121Denise on July 28, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Hi Indigo:

    Thank you. I think that’s a good idea as well and it will help things get on a more clear path. But I feel our marriage is over and I feel I may be fine with it. I would love Rori Raye’s take on it and if she thought this was repairable. I’m trying to stop communication but we are text arguing about the situation. 🙁



  122.  #122Elsie on July 28, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Taking hooks out of love. LOVE that image. Love it.



  123.  #123Indigo on July 28, 2013 at 7:53 am

    ((((Denise))))

    Maybe you might consider getting some coaching to help you get clarity on whether it’s really over and put your mind at rest.

    Much luck and love,



  124.  #124Angel on July 28, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I feel really apprehensive about going on a date with a guy who just asked me out. We went on a date before, and it felt really awkward and uncomfortable. I feel I don’t have any energy to worry about clothes, and my apprehension and awkwardness or even getting my way to wherever he wants us to meet. I’m worried that if I accept this date I’ll just end up in the same situation as the last time and that felt horrible. Also I feel I’m letting myself down if I don’t accept a possibility to practice all the stuff I’ve learned in these few weeks. I’m confused and feeling bad. Also I’m feeling annoyed because of facebook, he can see that I’ve read his message and haven’t replied yet. I feel stressed and anxious that he’ll see that and I’m wondering what he’ll think about me because I haven’t answered.
    I feel confused.



  125.  #125Denise on July 28, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Indigo:

    From Rori Raye? I don’t know where to start. Thanks.



  126.  #126terri on July 28, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Rori, thank you so very very very much for the long answer you wrote to your client you answered on the blog about the train ride. You hit the nail on the head with me. I have been on the train ride for 8 long years, after my divorce. Was down and out this morning, read your blog, and My heart opened up, honestly, knowing I’m doing the right thing. I’m alone, but would rather do this than be on that train ride. It was such a learning fabulous reading you wrote Rori. It has helped me so so much. It is what I needed. I’m crying here, yes 60 years old, because you have touched me so much with your fantasy train ride article. It was GREAT…… I truly mean that. You saved my life. terri in Walled Lake, MI



  127.  #127Wildgeranium on July 28, 2013 at 8:26 am

    BeLoved-

    Yes, the hooks. How to get those out? (Question to myself)

    I can relate to the good girl thing. (I’m adopted too) I thought I’d left a lot of that behind, but- of course- I haven’t. Need to simmer in the sauce longer.

    The ways I’m still trying to be “good” and the ways I rebel against it- neither is being my true self.

    Still afraid to just be my fully authentic self- because that self is unloveable, disposable, noticed…. If I’m acknowledged I may have to love you back.

    XO



  128.  #128Wildgeranium on July 28, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Denise, what would happen if you just stopped arguing over text? Just dropped it?

    <3



  129.  #129Denise on July 28, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Wildgeranium:

    We would not speak. I want to drop it because no matter how I put it he don’t care about my feelings so it’s pointless.



  130.  #130Wildgeranium on July 28, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Maybe you could just experiment with dropping it? You don’t need his approval or consensus to do what is best for you.

    XO



  131.  #131Elsie on July 28, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Has anyone bought Christian Carters stuff? Other than the ebook which I already have? Just curious.



  132.  #132Hana on July 28, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Hi Ladies, this post is exactly what I’m trying to work on!

    Still no word since I spilled my guts in the last email to him (re last post). I was still posting on the old post lol! I’m coming to terms. It is time to move on…I want to feel stronger, because being in this state of super vulnerability is becoming very harmful to me. I feel incredibly rejected and alone. Maybe the future will bring me better connections, but I feel an incredible amount of dissapointment. I love myself but need to love myself more. I put too much faith in Amir and now I have to let go for real. Hurts like hell…but it will get better. It’s my turn to be happier.
    I don’t want to feel dissapointed in him or anyone, everyone does what they are comfortable with. I feel simply stupid to have picked such a friend.
    I just don’t want to be jaded and completly cynical. I need to get to my best self, hopefully step by step it won’t take me too long…



  133.  #133Denise on July 28, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Wildgeranium, your right and I will drop it. Whoo saaaaa! Thank you.



  134.  #134Wildgeranium on July 28, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Argh….

    What bubbled up to the surface is that I’m healing everything around the core wound, but pretending the biggest wound of all is not there. Avoidance. Little band aids all around the large open cut that is unattended to……

    XO

    Feeling relieved



  135.  #135Wildgeranium on July 28, 2013 at 8:55 am

    (((((((Denise))))))



  136.  #136Hana on July 28, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Indigo, what you wrote and described was so beautiful….I love that. And is so true….doesn’t it feel awesome as well when you enjoy being the goddess and feeling that energy in yourself too? And having him enjoy it is a wonderful bonus!!



  137.  #137miranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Elsie, thanks for asking. Yes I am alright for the most part. Needed a long nap. Have been feeling so tired lately. Found out Friday that I have some good things happening in the next week or two from my attorney regarding a matter and at the same time I still just feel like its not the same without hope. I miss my partner and I am sad at the confusion I have surrounding everything that has played out. As for the STOP . Well I don’t really know how to stop. I want to but can’t do it. As for love I fo love but it kind of feels alone at the top. Miss talking and touching and feelings of future with my ex. I felt like it was me missing out on something great and still do, but now I also know that they are missing out now too. Still im haunted by things done to little feet. That makes me feel like I was wrong about everything I was feeling. Not to be asked my opinion or like it didn’t even matter…. I just can’t thinking of how huge of q deal that is to me. That’s not a deal breaker it a life ender…not for me or even a partner but of innocence and purity



  138.  #138Brenda on July 28, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Rori please help! I thought if I tried harder that the guy would love me.He said long ago that I was boring and he didn’t want a relationship with me.I excepted that and moved on but the very next day he came back and said that he was kidding that I will always be his baby.Wow what a bunch of crocks…t. Well so far since then he has remained around but its very shady.I can since he doesn’t love me.He mainly around at my house because it is closer to his job.He seems very distant he doesn’t kiss me we don’t have foreplay,and we have sex once or twice a week.I’ve been practicing speech messages and when I present it to him he says oh God here we go again and he says I’m nagging. I told him I don’t want to be friends and to please stay away and return my keys and that I need to move on because I need more than whats going on between us and I’m not getting it with him around.He sprung into action and did something nice for my son and later we had sex and he kissed me alot.That day came and went and now its the same coldness.He took me out to dinner and barley looked at me and it felt weird and forced. I am on an emotional roller coaster and I know I have to get off I don’t know what to say and do to get him to go completely.He stays at my house maybe twice a week or he comes early morn when he has got off and I’m on my way to work so we rarely lay around and chitchat, then he has his days when he’s hanging with the guys or the ladies cause he has plenty but denies it he told me its me and sometimes his daughters mother and another woman he rarely sees her and she’s ok with that,he said if he wasn’t at my house for work that I wouldn’t see him then and then I’d really be complaining.He said nothing is ever good enough for me,so in other words he sees being at my house because he’s closer to work and able to get a peace of mind when I’m at work and he’s there relaxing is his way of us being closer. I don’t buy it and I want off this train,but I don’t know what to say or do.



  139.  #139miranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Just saying you know (pervious message)… I’m just going to try to focus on the positives and remember the good. If it could only be more personal it would make all the difference to me. Maybe it won’t always be so bad or quiet.



  140.  #140sophie on July 28, 2013 at 9:31 am

    (((hana))) i feel for you writing a very vulnerable e mail and then not knowing if you will receive a reply or not x I have been there x i thought it was a beautiful, open message and if i had written it i would feel pleased that i had spoken my truth for him to do as he pleases with x what he does choose to do is information of its own x

    miranda – i’m not sure i know what you mean when you talk about ghost feet x i would like to understand x could you explain? x

    brenda x i felt a sense of panic and overwhelm coming from your post x interpreting through my own experience that feels like a horrible place to be when you really don’t know what to do x do you really want him gone? enough to still want him gone even when he tries to persuade you otherwise?

    I can get stuck with men because they convince me in the moment and then something triggers me and I have the horrible feelings again and I feel stuck all over again x I have it now to a certain respect x I think I probably need to make a definite decision then really assert my boundary…



  141.  #141Femininewoman on July 28, 2013 at 9:35 am

    ((((((((Brenda)))))))))))))



  142.  #142sophie on July 28, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Miranda – is it really him you are missing or the hopes and dreams that came with him along with the pleasurable experiences? It takes a really long time to get to know who a person is – maybe with the no-contact he is showing you something about himself? I hear you though it is horrible when someone is close with you and then they just disappear without offering an explanation it triggers me in lots of ways but I like to use it to get really clear about what I want from a man or a relationship and what I want from my life and to build my life into something I really like the look of and to look deep within myself at what might be happening. If some of it is the hopes and dreams and experiences that you are missing and not the one man then that is really good material to help you know what you want and keep creating it for yourself in your future x



  143.  #143Dominique on July 28, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Denise – 121 – Only you can decide whether you want this relationship or not, whether you want to repair it or not. And the best way to get clarity around this is by filling YOU up in ways which feel best to you. Loving of yourself in small ways, eg. simple bathing rituals where you can lavish love in the way of face and body creams, taking the time to really FEEL how it feels to smooth on the cream. How does your touch feel on your skin? How does your skin feel under you fingers? Can you turn yourself on, even a bit? Try doing this with everything, putting on makeup, getting dressed.

    Taking the time to savor your coffee or tea in the morning, your meals. Noticing ALL the beauty in your world. Feeling thankful for ALL which you do have. The more you notice the good, the more good you will see.

    Do you have hobbies, activities which make you feel amazing? Any form of dance is great for this, even if you put on some music at home and dance around your living room.

    Do you spend time with people who make you smile, laugh?

    Are you working to open yourself up to life? Are you curious about your world, Nature, the people who show up, in passing or if they stay awhile?

    Are you releasing expectations and allowing awe and surprise?

    Putting your focus on yourself, filling yourself up so that YOU feel better, loving on yourself hard transforms your energy. Most anyone will feel attracted to you. Men included. Lovely, loving me who will want to treat you well, as the goddess which you are.

    And you will know what to do. In the meantime, I also suggest consulting a lawyer to see what your options are.

    xxoo



  144.  #144sophie on July 28, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I am feeling unsure of what to do; I feel triggered by being in the friend category and I don’t want to be there any more. This potentially means no contact. But there is no contact so I can’t talk to him about no contact! I’m not sure If I should contact him to talk about no contact! He contacted me last night but I was out now I feel dread at the potential of a long pause whilst he waits to see if I contact him and then he asks me if things are ok…I don’t know what to say.

    round and round and round we go 🙁



  145.  #145Dominique on July 28, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Brenda – 137 – Trying harder doesn’t work, as you discovered. Doing less, taking care of you in all ways is what you want. And even then if this isn’t the right man for you, if this isn’t the good, kind, loving man you want, likely nothing will change this, BUT a better man, who wants to treat you well will show up.

    As for this man, you simply say – What’s going on here feels too painful. I don’t want to see you anymore.

    And mean it. Block his number if you have to.

    xxoo



  146.  #146miiranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 10:02 am

    @Sophie, I miss both. The feelings in me and also what it meant for me about possible future plans. And them to, hopes of them growing and their smile and the ways they were as a person. The openness they exhibited. How they were the only one to ever be a n d treat me the way they did. I can’t help but wonder though if I could have maybe showed less of what I t thought they needed and more of what o I really am. Little feet refers to a child lost before birth.



  147.  #147Denise on July 28, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Hi Dominique,
    Yes I do try but sometimes with my kids it’s hard to find time to do me. I drown myself into them to forget what’s going on. I don’t want them looking at me as weak and unhappy. I guess I can find things that will include them. They are my life and first priority. Thanks D.



  148.  #148Rori Raye on July 28, 2013 at 10:32 am

    terri, Welcome, and thank you so much for writing your lovely, heartfelt and brave comment. I’m so happy what I was feeling and wrote down touched and helped you…and we’ll help you here in the most practical ways we can. Love, Rori



  149.  #149sophie on July 28, 2013 at 10:32 am

    145 – ah I understand little feet now – sounds like there is potential for lots of growing from your situation x it may be a gift just the way it was x I can pinpoint the one man or set of men that kick-started the process for me with regards to relationships and starting on a journey of growth towards finding out more about myself and what I need and want from my relationships with men and the woman I want to be x



  150.  #150miiranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Personal growth is fine.I recall a time when I used to think that “if I could just relax” that people’s view of me would be different .. better. So I tried and I seen that it just came across o as as me being something I wasn’t. I am a loving person and I do care for others feelings and wanting to experience them as a whole. But if am always thinking it’s just about ME then how can I see others views and intents of their heart. It could be that if I give a little by opening my views to their heart or poo life I could grow and love in a way that I have always dreamed



  151.  #151Indigo on July 28, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Hana,

    Yes, absolutely. I have learned to do it for me so that I can be happy and feel fantastic with and without him. It’s the way to go, to feel like a goddess and have that feeling dwell inside you.



  152.  #152Sunflower on July 28, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Back from a great date, felt such pleassure just enjyoing coffee, and then walking around for a bit.

    And then I got back home, and began to feel anxious about his age – 49, and the fact he had never been married.

    That feels like my defensive voice kicking in. I love that voice- fearful and smart both atonce, wanting to keep me safe. And i feel OK with that. There are men who can do relationships, and there are men who cannot do relationship . I smoke out the can’t doers anyways 🙂 . So let me experiment and see what happens.



  153.  #153Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I like this post Rori … AND I also want to make clear that boring does not equal love.

    This recent guy was boring. And it was NOT love. It could have been “easy” for me. I could have done just about anything, and he would have stuck around … and it was not love. Not even close.

    I can enjoy peace and quiet. I have lots of it now in my life. And most of the time being with myself in peace and quiet is not boring. I can delve deeply into my emotions and explore all the secrets there. I can be creative, and I can rest. None of that is boring.

    Being with a man whose “niceness” is covering up his anger, who has no clue how to go deep emotionally, and whose anger is leaking out in all kinds of bizarre passive-aggressive ways … but will stick around and be “nice” for as long as I want … is not love.

    And I’m still not going to believe that I only have two choices: 1) roller coaster or 2) boredom. I know there is a third path, and I’m going to have it.



  154.  #154Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 11:39 am

    A friend of mine from childhood contacted me out of the blue yesterday. I had drifted away from her after she got married and had kids. I felt so much shame that I just didn’t seem to have what it takes to get married and have kids. Last I knew of her some years ago now when I was at the beginning of this journey … she was getting married. I felt so horribly left out and so ashamed and so alone … I couldn’t bear the friendship anymore and I disconnected.

    I’ve been working through all this shame over the past year. It’s been slow going because there was so much of it. Hundreds and hundreds of tapping videos. I’m sure it’s not a coincidence she’s reaching out to me now.

    She now refers to the man as “the kids’ father” and after I shared my shame, she shared that she has been in utter hopelessness about her relationship for the past couple of years. Getting on the marriage and children bandwagon only delayed the pain, it didn’t solve anything.

    I choose to remember this any time I am tempted to feel shame because I don’t have what other people appear to have. I choose to remember that I am on my path, and my path is right for me.



  155.  #155Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    He was even willing to have a baby with me, immediately. That was not love. I felt like I was suffocating, drowning, the real me was SCREAMING … no, no, no … please don’t let yourself get sucked into this “nice” baloney … and I didn’t … thank God. I still love me too much to settle for boring and what boring really means … The death of anything that really matters to me … I would rather be single forever than be with boring … Maybe this is not the truth for everyone else. This is the truth for me.



  156.  #156Hana on July 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    I’m not receiving posts 🙁



  157.  #157Dominique on July 28, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I think the point Rori was making is that it can SEEM boring to have a man who truly loves you IF you’ve become so accustomed to the roller coaster, this is what feels exciting and like love.

    My relationship with K is not in the least bit boring. The passion, the fun, the smiles and laughter, the closeness, the intimacy run vibrantly through us as individuals and us as a couple. No roller coaster ride needed for excitement. The excitement comes from the dynamic we have with each other, the energy which runs between us and what we create together.

    Once you get off the roller coaster and accustom to something other than drama, peace and serenity for example, once you can calm your mind and heart enough to recognize what might be something far more resembling of real love, everything changes.

    Your perspective for one, your energy, what you attract into your life, what you are attracted to.

    There can be great excitement and passion in the tranquil waters of intimate connection.

    xxoo



  158.  #158Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    “My relationship with K is not in the least bit boring. The passion, the fun, the smiles and laughter, the closeness, the intimacy run vibrantly through us as individuals and us as a couple. No roller coaster ride needed for excitement. The excitement comes from the dynamic we have with each other, the energy which runs between us and what we create together.”

    Yes, I’ve experienced this – like with my ex from law school that I saw the other night … that relationship was not boring.

    What I feel concerned about is the temptation, which I’ve felt many times, to “settle” for what truly is boring and stifling and literally feels like it’s squeezing the life out me, because we don’t believe the real thing is ever going to show up.



  159.  #159tryingtodogood on July 28, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    OMG Rori!!! I think I have done this in my marriage 🙁 My husband has been neglectful in the best of times, and emotionally abusive most of our 3 decades of married life. I could see myself in this post in a vicious cycle of desperate and repeated attempts to get him to see how much he was hurting me. As I’ve been following your blog and newsletters (and eBooks) I’ve been working on healing and growth and have told my husband that my emotional well being comes first from now on. I told him the other day that I can’t control whether he wants to grow or not and that I won’t be asking (I’ve been begging) him to read anything I’ve given him anymore, that in essense I’ve given up on him. Anyway, I’m expressing my feelings to him in an honest way and don’t back down and he seems to be more drawn to me and has begun looking at some of the articles and books I’ve recommended. He has shared some insights that are pretty big and I’m very surprised. Funny how things change when you start moving forward-even by yourself. Thanks for helping me see that I can and should love myself and that I no longer need to control him. All I know is I’m ready to be loved the way I deserve and I’m through settling for less! Rori’s principle works no matter what stage of relationship-it’s never too late 🙂



  160.  #160Starbright on July 28, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Brenda,

    If you aren’t strong enough to ask him for your house keys back and stick with it, you can always change your locks.



  161.  #161Dominique on July 28, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    159 – That’s how it works tryingtodogood, by bringing things back to you and growing and healing FOR YOU.

    He may not come along for the ride (in your case he seems to be), yet if this man isn’t going to, another one will, one so much better suited for you.

    xxoo



  162.  #162LoveAlways on July 28, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Rori’s newsletter said reconnect program is for single women too. I’m sold. Thinking of ordering it. What do you think?



  163.  #163Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    LoveAlways,

    I can vouch for that. Recently I went ahead and bought Rori’s whole collection of programs. All of the programs have lots of valuable insights for all women – single or in a relationship of any kind.

    My personal favorites are the LoveScripts programs because of the extensive on-stage role playing with real life women. For me, seeing all the role playing really brought Rori’s tools alive in a new way.



  164.  #164Hana on July 28, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    I also have the complete collection ! I am very overwhelmed though, with all that’s been happening, which one would you ladies suggest to really watch and focus on?



  165.  #165Syreena on July 28, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    I Agree Erika it isn’t about settling.

    It feels difficult to explain at the moment.

    It’s about going deeper and deeper inside ourselves, learning more and more whar we do not want and will not settle for. Saying no and moving on not settling.
    Until we are sure what we want on the inside.
    And only accepting that our soul match on the inside.
    A conscious soul match, not an unconcious lust match.



  166.  #166Hana on July 28, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Sophie, you are so lovely and kind. It is hard simply to “accept” so many facts about how Men are. But on the flipside, we are also the way we are so we need to remember that. However…. Why does it always feel like we are in such a need for that masculinity in our life? Why do some of us feel the way we do so strongly?? Frustrating.

    Acceptance is the hardest thing for me.



  167.  #167Dominique on July 28, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Hana – And many men have just as strong a need for the feminine in their lives.

    xxoo



  168.  #168Lisa on July 28, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    @Syreena

    total agree!

    I had a wonderful day of going deeper, deeper…. i cried at the grocery store, I’m crying where ever I am.. it feels good… to just BE however I am… where ever I am…

    I did inquiry on myself all day and the more I did them more came up and OMG! it feels sooo good to find these juicy little splinters inside of me… ( judging someone and then using that to look at me- b/c they are just the mirror) and yes, getting clear on what I want, and don’t want… focusing on ME… and something amazing is happening to me… I’m finding the turnarounds so easy and sweet…

    I love taking responsibility for my share! I love apologizing without any need for expectations and response… I love admitting to myself where those dark spots are that I’ve been afraid to look at and there was never any need to fear them… they are so gentle and kind…

    I can’t wait to get home to do more work on myself!… This was the best gift ever!

    Totally agree with you post!

    OXOXOX



  169.  #169Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Syreena, yes thank you for hearing me and expressing this so beautifully …

    So then the guy who feels boring becomes a gift because I go deeper with myself …

    And the guy who avoids becomes a gift because I go deeper with myself …

    I will not settle. I am NOT that desperate to get married that I would settle. In fact, I am not desperate at all. I will go deeper for as long as it takes until he shows up. God’s Will for me is perfect happiness.



  170.  #170miiranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    All to often it seems like such a drudgery to come outside of one’s self to entertain the possibility that all along I haven’t been looking in the right place for the right thing. Typically in life it’s a matter of perspective or routine. Humans are a creature of habit… with this in mind and resorting back to the topic, is it really so hard to just stop and smell the roses. Couldn’t I find something that seems intriguing and good and indulge myself into that so as to find the goodness and then possibility of happiness. I am not so naive as to believe that there is a perfectness waiting for me if if I can just align myself into a dissonance reduction state of reality. I don’t entertain the cognitive dissonance theory because I know what I believe when it comes to my hear t, however at times it’s difficult t o recognize that others have a tendency or need to be as such. And that’s ok, but if it were possible to explore the m I nd and possibility that maybe it’s not really so difficult to understand that someone’s intent is to simply be kind and honest and loving and committed to another…. but by me systematically dissecting every emotional invoked in one’s self and then questioning motive or agenda I actually destroy the fabric of the happiness I search for. All in all if someone treats me g old and is sincere I should accept that as truth. And then I feel I should also contribute to them as they contribute to me. That in itself is where that conglomeration of the true hearts exist in striving to find experiEnce. I’m happy that I have had the love I’ve had, so grateful to the ones that have given it. I am always there in a setting of acceptance of them. Sometimes giving to another that thing they need, regardless of the thrill level can make all the difference. I chose to see it as an investment in a matter I be ok over in. I love in love I love..



  171.  #171miiranda faith on July 28, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    “A matter I believe in” sorry for the misspellings



  172.  #172LiliBee on July 28, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Wish there was a “like” icon to click on your comments. So many great comments 🙂



  173.  #173Zia on July 28, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    I’ve written my “man list”. And I’ve identified the few points that I still need to work on myself to attract that sort of man into my life. BE THE PERSON I WANT TO ATTRACT



  174.  #174Zia on July 28, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Hana: love to you xoxo



  175.  #175Lisa on July 28, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    @Dominique

    I agree with your post #157

    “There can be great excitement and passion in the tranquil waters of intimate connection.”

    and the book I’m reading also suggests the same thing… of course boring isn’t in my vocabulary so I don’t worry about boring… just compatibility and growth…and substance of love that will last…

    OXXO



  176.  #176Tereana on July 28, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    @LiliBee – I agree! I wish there was a “like” button all over this blog!



  177.  #177Tereana on July 28, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Emerson – unfolding usually works. But folding has to happen sometimes, too. Sometimes we need to contract in order to expand



  178.  #178Tereana on July 28, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Well, I sent the email to him – what, two days ago? That’s not so long. I did feel a little disappointed when I checked my email today, and I didn’t see anything from him. But why should I be disappointed? It wasn’t like it needed a response. I guess I should be honest with myself that I was really hoping I would get one. Okay. *neediness* Whatever. I’m always thinking that I’m not needy, and then realizing that I TOTALLY AM.

    bluh.

    Again: whatever.

    I’m not *that* needy. I reminded myself that what I told him wasn’t about him anyway. It was about me. And what’s getting me excited is still getting me excited about moving to his city. He was just the vehicle. He was the messenger. He was the way for me to get the knowledge that I needed to have about the next steps I can take with my life, and that feels like, “WeHoooooo!” 😀

    I am EXCITED. Because I looked at a program at a school in his city that I was accepted to as an undergrad. I didn’t go there, but it was my second choice, if I didn’t get the one I wanted. And I always wondered what it would be like if I had gone. Now I’m looking into a grad program there, and realizing that it might just be perfect for me. And now I have even more life experience that I can apply to what I want to study, and it could be super, super cool. It could be the best thing to happen to me, ever. And it’s weird, because I never even thought of his city before. Not until he contacted me, out of the blue, out of nowhere. And now something is drawing me there, and it’s not even him. But he was part of the experience. A pleasant part. And I get to have that. I feel complete.

    And when I check in with my “wisdom” I *Know* (with a capital “no”), that he’s not “the one.” He’s not “my one.” But he’s A ONE. And he’s a good one. And he played a positive role in my life in two different ways:

    1) I got to find out that, in person, he made me feel at ease, and I really liked him more than I expected. So I got a good experience with a man that helps me trust men more, which is hard for me to do. And I value that experience.

    2) By him being there, I had an excuse to actually go into his city. And if I had stuck to the thing of “never” going to see a guy, I would not have had the opportunity to discover that I really liked that place. And now I think I want to live there!! But not to “be” with him. If he decides he wants to see me again, okay. But that’s not “why” I’m moving there. It’s for me, and it’s about my life. See? I’m already thinking about it like it’s going to happen : ) That’s because it is!! Next year 🙂

    And anyway, he might still write me back. Remember what Rori said about 8 weeks? I’m sure I’ll hear from him in about 2 months ; )

    xoxoxo mE!

    (Btw, for Emerson, or any other sirens who are curious, this is the CD I was referring to as “CCB.” However, now I think I am going to change his moniker to “PKL.” Because it’s like “pickle.” teehee! ; )



  179.  #179Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    I feel emptiness, and it actually feels mostly good. I cleaned out the refrigerator and instead of filling it up with more food, I’ve been using stuff up. There’s almost nothing in there now. The cupboards too – lots of empty … even when I tried to order food tonight at the spa, they ran out of what I usually get! so I came home and emptied some more lol …

    My business to feels slooooowwww compared to usual … and I could rush to fill it up with promotions and new offers … yet my guidance says to be still …

    Emptiness used to feel so scary … and lonely … and now it feels pretty good … refreshing … full of possibility for something new to happen … there’s still a little fear especially with the money …

    However, I had a massage with Sirina (on the angel cards, she is the angel of abundance who says “you will receive the money that you need, and God is in charge of how that will happen”) and last two times she had me in the Wealth room lol … so who knows … maybe this emptiness will open the space for something really wonderful … like a brand new money miracle … or a brand new relationship miracle …

    I feel happy that empty no longer feels as sinister as it once did 🙂



  180.  #180Brenda on July 28, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    I don’t know what to do today he came in he said that he’s buying me earrings and a purse.He watched tv for an hr dozed off got up and all I seen was the back of his head leaving out of the back door.He peeped in as though he was waiting for me to say something but I didn’t and he left.

    I did call and ask him since its sun what time are we going to get the purse and earrings because the stores close early he said he’d be back in a lil while.Well he hasn’t been back and I knew he wouldn’t, but I still feel hurt.Not only because he lied about the purse but the fact that he uses my place as a rest dyop.

    I want to call him and ask him for the million time to please get his bag and never come back.I want to ask him questionsI want to know why do he think its ok with me for him to not talk to me not kiss me but continue to come in and out my house.

    Why when 3 mths ago I did Nc for him to call everyday and even show up at my house, why now is he so distant as though he hates me?

    He told me he’d have his stuff gone wed, so I went to stay in a hotel on mon til thur his stuff was still iny house when I cameback.He even had the nerve to ask me where had I beenfor 2 days when he didn’t even call to see.

    What am I doing wrong? I haven’t asked about us being in a relationship, I don’t call him anymore to chitchat, I have stopped the long text messages about how hurt I am anout pur situation.I basically gave up on thinking its a chance to tuen this around but whenever he’s around he wants food I get it back rub, feet rub, run here and there for him and I do it cause I figure he must not have anyone else willing to do it, but all I get is broken promises and stood up.

    I’m lost and in my head all day about this man trying to figure out why I he still coming to my house everyday.Hr comes in asks a bunch of stupid questions like what’s thia or that where ia this person that person then tv doze off and leave til the next morn.Some morns he comes in while I’m sleep and he just gets on top of me or turns me around no kiss no hugs he barley looks at me and I can’t look at him either.



  181.  #181Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    I dunno Brenda … I’d like to think I’m above it … now that I’ve done so much healing … but back in the day … if I could just “stop in” and get foot rub, back rub, and have someone run errands for me, get free place to stay, and they never told me “no” … I might have just kept running on that gravy train as long as I could …

    This recent guy was going to do all kinds of stuff for me. I thought he wanted to do it as my “friend” so I was accepting it. Turned out he had lots of unstated expectations of what he was going to get back, but he had never got my agreement about those expectations. All that did is ruin the respect in the relationship. I felt like I could not trust him to set good boundaries for himself or be up front about what he wanted or listen to what I wanted.

    So what about what someone suggested about changing the locks?

    I’m hearing Aretha Franklin singin’ in the background here … “First I was afraid, I was petrified … thinking I could never live without you by my side …”



  182.  #182Erika Awakening on July 28, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Excuse me, that was Gloria Gaynor …

    “But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along …”



  183.  #183Brenda on July 28, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    I’m working in the morn and I have no energy to go, I feel exhausted and depressed.I just calls twice and no answer I haven’t texted.I think he’ll come here around 10 or 11 it doesn’t matter to see him face to face.I have even been calm and felt in a good place when I have told him that I have deelings beyond friends and I need more than what he’s giving and I’m fine with the fact that you don’t want that with me so I can’t see you or be friends can you please give my key and never come back.

    After I’m done talking he looks at me like with no expression, and says oh God here we go u say this every 2 days and then he leaves, then comes right back the next day.

    I will feel bored and awkward not seeing him but I’m not really seeing him now and I feel used.I don’t even know if I love him and I can feel he doesn’t love me either.The last time he said it was mths ago so I don’t say it to him either.We spent a whole day together 2 weeks ago he to me to the nail salon and for lunch.We got home and he wanted me on top of him and I couldn’t do it I done it plenty of times but this time didn’t feel right to me.So we laid around sleeping mostly, I’m wondering if its because I feel he’s not sexually attracted to me I don’t feel sexy enough to do certain things anymore sexual with him, and it is one thing he hasn’t done went down on me since may but that’s one thing I still am able to do for him and now that seems strange because he hasn’t done me and I haven’t mentioned it to him either.

    That day we had together all day we hadn’t done that in almost a yr.But a few days later it was back to disappearing.I asked him if its someone he’s commited to that he could twl me and I would understand I’d be a lil hurt but its his choice.Just please let me know so I can move kn with my life he said he is seeing 2 other women but nothing serious and that I need to stop worrying about other women.

    He says I’m crazy and nagging.If I would be cool things would be alot better. I was cool in the beginning I knew it was other women but he never admitted it bit his actions showed different although things were never this bad.I was cool I didn’t call too much I didn’t question him about his whereabouts, I didn’t beg him for money or think he had to spend all his time with me.

    But as yrs kept gong by these last going in to 2 yrs have been hell.When actually we have had a situation that started in 02 til 04 it ended on hood terms I moved away.I came back in 06of dec and we have been on and off since off for the llongest 3 mths that I had started Nc.So I think I have been cool long enough.I don’t have a commitment and I stuck around the last 2 yrs have been awful it worse everyday.Its like he has a whole life I’m not included in anymore, its like he has someone he really loves and made plans with and I’m just a stepping stone til everything comes into play for him



  184.  #184Emerson on July 28, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Hmm I am feelin a lil disappointed with natureCD. Heard from him today and felt excited! He moved to a new place and invited me over … But it would feel better to be asked on a date.. 🙁
    I expressed I don’t want to drive there but I didn’t hear back… I’m remaining silent remember the power of silence Emerson!!



  185.  #185miranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Rain falls angry on the tin roof,
    As we lie awake in our beds
    Your my survival your my living proof
    My love is alive and not dead.
    Love this song. Good night everyone. God bless



  186.  #186Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 12:57 am

    Ok. Something that I would like help with here re attachments and relationships.

    I totally get how we need to detatch and get away from men or our familes whom we have formed unhealthy atatchments to and braek unhealthy attachments and bonds
    Or from people who we have bonded with but they haven’t with as they are not able to bond and form attachments.

    This is what makes me feel concerned though, I am getting the impression that we are being told that forming and having any attachments in wrong, And that I just doesn’t feel or sit right with me.
    As of course we are suppossed to form and make healthy attachments, that is how nature has made us and for good reason.
    We are supposed to become atached and pair bond to our mates and children, parents etc and form healthy attachments. This is so we stay around and bring up our children together and later want to llok after and take care of our parents grandparents in old age.
    If we didn’t form these healthy attachments, bond and have that fear of losing them, then we would be reckless and not take care of our children and each other. Men wouldn’t want to grow up be responsible and provide their offspring and stick around. And women wouldn’t protect and look after theie helpless babies and children and parents when in old age they became sick or helpless.
    We are suppossed to take care of the sick and helpless it is part of what makes us human.

    So again I totally get that we needc to detach and get away from unhealthy relationships where abuse is happening.

    But cannot and do not agree that all attatchment is wrong.
    Of course some eastern philosophy teaches to have no attatchment, they have chosen not to have families the monks who teach this though have choses not to have mates or children so of course they do not want to get attached.

    That is not good or healthy for most of us who do want to have a family and bond with each other and form healthy attatchments though.

    So to me it isn’t about not ever getting attached and bonding it is about taking ones time and being careful before we chose to mate and become attached to.
    We are not supossed to sleep around willy nilly with lots of people getting bonded and attatched to loads of different men.
    Alchohol contaception and porn and lifestyle changes appear, moving away from our extended families appear to have messed with nature a little to much and things gone haywire.

    Have I got this right Rori, Dominque, Mercedes?

    Are you advoating that we need to stay detatched from everyone?

    Or just be very careful whom we chose to form atachments with so we are making wise and healthy choices?

    This is something that makes me feel slightly concerned.



  187.  #187Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 1:08 am

    Also if we appear to be so self sufficient and independent I don’t need a man Why would they want to stick around take care of us provide. Havent we then taken their role away? They want to and ned to feel needed to make it possible for responsibilty neurons to fire and grow up and be a man surely?

    If they think we don’t need them why are they going to stick around?



  188.  #188Too Much on July 29, 2013 at 2:46 am

    Wow, this post is soooo appropriate for me..
    I am feeling over whelmed with desperation, neediness and clinginess. And I am feeling so angry at myself because of this…

    I have been seeing a new man for about 2 months and I can feel myself laser focusing on him. I feel terrified to upset him. I feel worried about him all the time. I am worried that I am ‘making him happy?’.

    This morning all I can think about is him. I feel scared that he has abandoned me.

    I must lean back. I must sink into my feelings. I must ask where my feelings are comjng from?

    I feel drained. I have a massive headache. I have a sore throat. I can’t relax. I feel tense and stessed. I feel nauseous. My neck is stiff…

    I feel intimidated. I feel not good enough.

    I must embrace these feelings… I must love them they are here for a reason.



  189.  #189Too Much on July 29, 2013 at 3:03 am

    I’m finding it hard to immerse myself in anything.

    I feel so bored….

    Lol….

    Yawn…..

    Grrrr… I feel repressed anger and fear…



  190.  #190Too Much on July 29, 2013 at 3:07 am

    I feel so threatened and insecure in my job.

    I feel I have nothing to offer. I feel useless.

    I feel like everyone else is better than me.

    I have no confidence..



  191.  #191Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 3:31 am

    I had the most beautiful night with D last night.

    When chatting in the afternoon about me coming over to watch a movie on his new TV, he said “do you want to come now?” and then he said “hurry ;)”. Now, he may have been referring to something else, but I choose to believe it was because he couldn’t wait to see me.

    And then he was so sweet to me, paying for my dinner, buying me coffee and sweets for after because he knows I like them, and holding me safely nested in his arms throughout the whole movie, holding me gently, without making me feel smothered. And then when it was getting late, and I thought I’d start to get up to go to bed, he gently pulled me into his arms and held me close against him, his big warm body wrapped around my small one.

    And this morning, I wasn’t expecting much interaction because I leave for work quite early, he woke up early (possibly unintentionally but it doesn’t matter) and there were gentle touches until I finally extricated myself.

    I felt like… a queen. A special and precious treasure. There have been many moments like this since we reconnected and almost no negative moments.

    I just wanted to share this with all of you while the feelings were still swirling inside me.



  192.  #192Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 3:38 am

    What I love about this man, is something you mentioned, Erika.

    And something you mentioned, Dominique.

    There is a feeling of safety and contentment which goes nowhere close to boredom.

    If anything, it is like being held in a moment of complete sweetness where you feel safe and at peace because this is exactly where you are meant to be.

    There is a vast deal of difference between that and boring.

    D excites me completely because he fits me so well – I find the love of someone who knows me and senses me and is in tune with me utterly riveting, even as I know that it is as close to safe and secure as I will ever get.

    Sigh. I may write more later. I am in a happy place. 🙂



  193.  #193Hana on July 29, 2013 at 3:39 am

    Indigo, that sounds soooo lovely. I would be proud of myself, it sounds like all your work is being rewarded. And it’s so nice that you are enjoying this reconnection together. 🙂 🙂

    Zia, love to you sweetheart! This is one of the most difficult times for me, not only because of A but other things. I hope you are doing good!

    Xoxo



  194.  #194tryingtodogood on July 29, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Thank you Dominique #161! It feels great to believe in myself again 🙂 I think women have given up our power in the last few decades but in time as we learn to love ourselves and not “settle” the men will have to change with us-or be left out in the cold 😉 That’s empowerment!



  195.  #195Hana on July 29, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Yesterday at my son’s friends birthday party one of the moms commented “oh I donno I have a husband for that” it triggered me so darn much. I am so happy for everyone that is in a strong marriage, but sometimes it’s just too much to bare that my family’s dynamic is so different. Even with the divorce rate so high, why does it still feel so isolating? Who else can relate to this?

    Xo



  196.  #196surferchica on July 29, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Hana (192), I relate. It was really hard for me for a while. I’ve come to see, though, that even in marriages where the two people appear to be happy, I rarely would trade places with either partner. I’m pretty picky now that I’ve gone through a divorce. Marriage has its comforts, but it also has its much bigger stresses. I much prefer a peaceful aloneness to a ho-hum or stressful marriage.

    Don’t assume that if someone says she’s in a good marriage, that it is good, too. Most of them are (quite frankly) substandard. Most people don’t have healthy primary relationships.



  197.  #197Zia on July 29, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Hana – I can absolutely relate



  198.  #198surferchica on July 29, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Erika Awakening (158): This—> “What I feel concerned about is the temptation, which I’ve felt many times, to “settle” for what truly is boring and stifling and literally feels like it’s squeezing the life out me, because we don’t believe the real thing is ever going to show up.”

    What is even harder is when so much of what you have it good, calm, peaceful yet may not be the real thing… After the roller coaster, peace can feel boring but it can also be boring is boring. Still figuring that out.



  199.  #199Mercedes on July 29, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Syreena: I agree totally with you on comment 186. I have a very strong attachment to J and he to me. It’s a good thing for us. I believe you are right on target with your analysis…it’s the unhealthy attachments that we need to work through and either change or move beyond.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  200.  #200surferchica on July 29, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Rori, if you get the chance, I’d love a blog about “settling” (for less than you deserve) versus “being settled” (getting off the ride and relaxing into a healthy peaceful relationship).

    I find it tough to figure out which is which.



  201.  #201BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Hana – what do you think about this article?
    Erika – you might be interested in it, too…the author basically CD’d so much, she found the “One” without really trying, and they are partnered in purpose… 🙂

    http://www.yesmagazine.org/blogs/shannon-hayes/finding-love-is-it-different-for-radical-homemakers

    Her relationship is what I think of as “settled” without settling.

    What do you think?



  202.  #202BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 7:34 am

    sorry, I mean surferchica… 🙂



  203.  #203Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Thank you for answering Mercedes I feel heard and understood.

    I feel happy to hear that you and J feel attached to each other in a good way And it isn’t about not getting attached at all. 🙂
    It feels confusing at times trying to fully work out what people mean.

    That makes sense to me and I feel good and peaceful hearing that.



  204.  #204Hana on July 29, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Beloved, thank you :). I don’t know if I like it lol.. I do agree that CDing is an awesome way to go, perhaps it’s just hard for someone in my position. But, I don’t know if I should take a “break” from dating all together and work on everything else in my life or do that and at the same time find a percentage of time to devote to Cd’ing? I just feel so burnt out right now…



  205.  #205BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Wow…just lost a post about a yummy interaction with T.
    Well, boo!
    Drat.
    Anyway…I feel good that we moved through an old ingrained pattern in a whole new way.
    The old habit was to disconnect, shut down, feel disappointed, and make up a story about it.
    This time, I was able to BE with the awkward silence, the feelings, notice the trembling in my gut for what felt like eternity – (30 seconds silence?)
    say, “I’m feeling vulnerable, I was hoping for positive feedback…”
    get quiet, breathe..
    then receive!!! a half an hour of positive feedback, that just kept building and building.

    Something I appreciate about T, is that he doesn’t just say, “I know you could be good at X”, he goes into precise detail about why he believes it, gives me precise and detailed examples of where he has seen me do something similar, and creates this amazing map of words that shows me how what he knows I can do based on Y experience really does relate to this other thing he believes I can do.

    It’s not just, “Oh, I believe in you, you can do anything!”
    It’s real, verifiable, quantifiable feedback that makes sense and reflects to me stuff I didn’t really know about myself, things I took for granted that he notices.

    I feel…so…solid, on solid ground more and more when I speak with him. I feel more real. Like, a more real human being, not some floaty mushy blob of confusion. There is a clarity to his way of thinking (in some directions, not all, lol) that makes me feel at ease, gives me more and more feelings of peace, of feeling settled and yet…alive and vibrant at the same time.

    It feels like…yesss…this…more of this…not so much that HE is a beacon, but what makes things good between us is my beacon. Clarity, honesty, shared vision and purpose, shared understandings in who we are and what we are here to do on the planet, transparency, fairness, win/win, both/and, inclusiveness, all of this makes me feel so safe, secure, safe to share my gifts, safe to be me, safe to grow…this is my standard, the “yes!” of what I feel drawn to.

    Yum yum. Yes yes.
    Happythankyourmoreplease



  206.  #206BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Hana – yes, yes, I got it…I meant that for surferchica – I know you are in a tender place right now.
    Big hugs to you…!



  207.  #207Hana on July 29, 2013 at 9:09 am

    No problem Beloved! Hehe…btw, I love the way you express yourself. You are a writer at heart.



  208.  #208Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Hana,

    Thank you, and it does feel very much like coming to port after a rough storm. The peacefulness and feeling of acceptance and love pervading me and my relationship feels indeed like a reward, and I know it’s only because I went through the pain and faced what was inside me. These moments are worth every one of those painful ones and then tons more.



  209.  #209Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    surferchica 197,

    I truly believe it has to do with knowing yourself, and giving yourself to be FULLY yourself, and then you will know the difference.

    There was a time I thought I had to compromise parts of myself, that I couldn’t “have it all” and would have to settle for some level of unhappiness in some parts of a relationship. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe there is someone to love those unique and quirky parts of all of us, yet I really truly believe it involves opening yourself up to possibilities that others do not see.



  210.  #210BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Giant smiles!
    😀
    He just called me with some job leads, he sounds very excited. He went out of his way to double-back and track something down while he was out driving.

    I feel so much appreciation

    *sigh*
    Yum sigh
    thank you yes, thank you yes thank you yes yes
    Loving this!!



  211.  #211Hana on July 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Indigo, that was beautiful to listen (read) :). Did you ever have trouble during the time you were working on it all in actually “accepting” that this is what it is, Men are a certain way and we have to learn and recondition ourselves to cater to those differences? Ok, I’m trying to word it in a way that doesn’t make us Women sound so docile but can’t find a way ! Lol



  212.  #212Starbright on July 29, 2013 at 10:40 am

    (((Brenda))))

    It sounds to me like feeling addicted to him rather than actually enjoying him.

    Have you looked at: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

    And her book: “Mr. Unavailable and the fallback girl”?

    He won’t stop his behavior until you don’t want anything from him. It’s not about making demands on what he should do, but not accepting what is.

    I’ve been there! All the best to you!



  213.  #213Starbright on July 29, 2013 at 10:49 am

    I want to clarify: rather than saying: “but not accepting what is” I mean that his behavior is unacceptable and you will not participate in it.

    However, I would not ask him to change. When you don’t want anything from him the dance will be over. As long as you do want something from him it is as if he holds the power.

    I do believe this is a man for no contact. Rori talks about this with men who are toxic.

    Start cding and if at first that means just cding yourself that is just fine. What do you enjoy? What feels good to you that has nothing to do with this guy. Even a warm bubble bath, a walk at the park, doing your nails, reading a good book, watching a funny movie or show where you can laugh yourself silly. Invest in you!



  214.  #214Starbright on July 29, 2013 at 10:53 am

    And, if it were me and this guy was able to talk circles around me (addictive relationships can feel this way) I would change the locks on my house.

    This guy is disrespecting you. It will take you to get off of the ferris wheel and take care of yourself.



  215.  #215surferchica on July 29, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Thanks for the article Beloved.

    I think for me it has to do with connection. I feel like the man I am with is a kind of Bob, actually. We aren’t living together or married so it isn’t that daily way. But, for instance, he attends all of my daughter’s high school flag events, football games, and competitions (in three states, 6-8 hour stretches in a gym sometimes), is generous with my kids (giving them money for birthdays and cross country moves), has gone with me to one of my cross-country business conventions – driving me there, running my booth, selling my wares (for no compensation but the pleasure of being with me), he manages to get along with my ex when my ex is here with our family for graduations or whatever, he is flexible, never pressuring, kind, cheerleading, never competitive, generous… so many things!

    But sometimes I feel this disconnect—like my big bubbly style of personality is too big for his quieter, even keel nature. So I miss the flirtiness, the passion, the bigger energy of the early months together. He’s much more into a calm, predictable existence and is even resistant to my need for it (I think he doesn’t like to feel exposed, unprepared, or pressured–and I get that!).

    So that’s where I get stuck. I sometimes feel that we have this incredibly supportive nurturing bond, but I miss that other energy—the playful, spontaneous, flirty fun of our first few months. But I hate to give up the incredible good of who he is and has been to me. He’s genuinely one of the good guys and I’m still completely attracted to him (and the sex is good). So am I being too picky? I guess that’s for me to decide… But sometimes I find it really confusing.



  216.  #216Zara on July 29, 2013 at 11:00 am

    184 Emerson
    ***** I expressed I don’t want to drive there but I didn’t hear back… *****

    “I don’t want to drive there”

    Tweak:
    “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    If no answer from him, I leave the convo.
    Whatever his reasons to ignore me, but at least I made it clear I do want to meet him. And I made clear “feeling comfortable” is where I can be reached at.
    No regrets on my part. I can feel sure that I did not push away a man interested in my feelings.

    Or
    “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “And I don’t feel comfortable driving your way”
    Me: “I hear you.”
    If no more answer from him, I leave the convo for the same reasons as above.

    Or
    “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “And I don’t feel comfortable driving your way”
    Me: “I hear you”
    Him: “So, are you coming?”
    Me: “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “Well, if you’d really want to meet me, you’d drive there to meet me”
    Me: “It would be lovely to see you and I feel uncomfortable driving there.”
    Him: “Well you know where to meet me if you change your mind”
    At that point, no more answer from me.
    No use and no elegance in bargaining with a man who does not feel inspired to meet my comfort.

    Or
    “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “You are not good at driving?”
    Me: “I am good enough at driving. I don’t feel comfortable driving there”
    Him: “You are not good at reading a map?”
    Me: “I am good enough with maps. I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “Would you feel better if we meet in your area?”
    Me: “It would feel much better.”
    Him: “Tell me of a place and I’ll meet you there” (He is not offering to come and pick me up because I don’t give my name nor my address nor my work place for a first meeting).
    Me: “That sounds lovely, thank you. I would feel comfortable meeting at any place you chose in such and such area. What do you think?”
    Him: “Sounds good, as long as you feel comfortable. Do you know the ‘whatever name’ coffee shop in ‘whatever name’ street?”
    Me: “I do”
    Him: “I can be there at 6pm. Is that a good time for you?
    Me: “It is. I can pencil you in for tomorrow night at 6pm or Thursday night.”
    Him: “Tomorrow at 6pm sounds great!”

    Or
    (If I have dated him long enough and he knows my address)
    “I would love to meet you but I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “You are not good at driving?”
    Me: “I am good enough at driving. I don’t feel comfortable driving there”
    Him: “You are not good at reading a map?”
    Me: “I am good enough with maps. I don’t feel comfortable driving there.”
    Him: “Would it feel better if I come to pick you up?”
    Me: “Yes, it would.”
    Him: “I can be at your door at 6pm.”
    Me: “I feel comfortable with that, thank you. I am available tomorrow or Thursday evening.”
    Him: “Tomorrow at 6 pm sounds great!”

    A woman expressing where she feels comfort, might inspire a man to meet her where her comfort is at.

    xxx



  217.  #217Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I do understand the point Rori is making that for anyone addicted to “drama,” a healthy relationship could feel quiet by comparison … and usually those who are addicted to drama are avoiding quiet at all costs because quiet means getting in touch with our feelings …

    On the other hand, in my experience, boring in a man is a HUGE RED FLAG. It often means he is passive-aggressive or stagnant and he has NOT done his own self-development work. People who have done their self-development work are naturally vibrant, spontaneous, authentic … and that is not boring.

    For example, with this recent guy, if I would ask him a question, he never answered it straightaway. There would be a long pause where he went up in his head and thought about what the “right” answer was before speaking. That’s a huge red flag of a man who has not done his work. When I would coach men at conventions, we would see this in men who are still stuck in their heads. Similarly, he did not set good boundaries for himself and instead was “giving to get.” “Boring” was the superficial indicator of much bigger problems underneath. I would hate to see any woman settle for boring.

    One of my friends is a relationship coach who was in a “stable” relationship with a “nice” guy. She finally broke up with him, recognizing that his “niceness” was really just him not doing his work and it was stunting her growth to stay with him …



  218.  #218Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Hana,

    YES. I think the hardest part was how long I was stuck in “blame”. Not because I was a bad person, but because allowing him to be a way I didn’t fully understand, whilst still being completely and joyfully myself, felt very scary. What would happen if I went and met him where he was instead of where I *needed* him to be? What would happen if I let go of all those “hurtful” little things that were not designed to hurt me? What would happen if I could accept love in the small and ordinary things?

    There were so many nights, days, hours, where I was doubled over in pain, wanting him to be the way I “needed” him to be, to do the things I “needed” him to do. How can you convince yourself that you don’t need these things when every fibre of your being is crying out that you do? If it hadn’t been for the gentle, coaxing, persistent voice of my heart I would have given up a long time ago.

    I can’t explain it, but for years my heart held me on this path gently and would not let go. Some wise force kept calling me to love even when I didn’t understand.

    So yes, Hana, I really do believe we need to embrace the ways of those who aren’t like us, like men, and I believe it gets easier the more we accept and feel secure in ourselves.

    x



  219.  #219Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:09 am

    ” How can you convince yourself that you don’t need these things when every fibre of your being is crying out that you do?”

    Yea … this is why being single for so long has been good for me. I really don’t need these things, and I can be fully happy without them. They actually start to feel like burdens now …



  220.  #220surferchica on July 29, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Erika (214): “On the other hand, in my experience, boring in a man is a HUGE RED FLAG. It often means he is passive-aggressive or stagnant and he has NOT done his own self-development work. People who have done their self-development work are naturally vibrant, spontaneous, authentic … and that is not boring.”

    That’s helpful! Thank you.



  221.  #221Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:29 am

    A lot of what Rori teaches is no longer being the “nice girl” who turns into a doormat. The same applies to men. We teach them how not to be the “nice guy” for good reasons … it’s not healthy and it’s not attractive. It means they have not done their inner development. And any woman here who is doing her inner development deserves a man who is doing the same. That’s my two cents and I feel very passionate about it.



  222.  #222BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 11:32 am

    “There would be a long pause where he went up in his head and thought about what the “right” answer was before speaking.”

    Erika – this doesn’t match my experience…
    I have several programmer/engineer friends, who take long pauses to give precise, well thought-out answers. They sort of do a ‘search’ for possibilities, they aren’t looking for the ‘right’ answer…a lot of times, they are waiting to be sure I’ve finished and it’s a sign of respect. For example just this morning, with T. I felt so vulnerable while waiting for him to answer, and once I said so, and that I was hoping for positive feedback, he laughed, said he wanted to be sure I was finished speaking, then went on for a half-hour giving me very explicit, extremely useful feedback.

    I don’t know…hearing you talk about this guy, I get the feeling that you want or need to be really really right about how wrong he was, like you need to justify your feelings instead of diving deep into them.

    I’m going to see if I can find the post where I felt triggered with ‘creepy’ feelings from a guy and repost that process…I was surprised at what was under the creepiness.



  223.  #223miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 11:34 am

    There are examples of the struggle to express acceptance for what is descent and wholesome ingrained in each, wether for strides toward something greener on the other side, or debilitating views of worthiness, or for one stigmata or another. I have lived and traveled many paths and there are truths that I have found about life and love. I feel I will never be happy if I’m never content. I might find someone and the world views them as undesirable but this is where I have found it better for me to assess for myself my opinion. They may not be a super model or a picturesque sight for others, however I feel if they have a potential for greatness it is worth my investment into them. does it seem so far fetched to find something that if I just looked a t what they could be with regards to my observation of them that I could be fundamental in lifting up someone I believe in. I refuse to systematically dissect someone just to hold them up to a standard of ME. How pompous would I be if I did that. I have a hard time when I pass someone up that all they needed was a helping hand or someone to believe in them. I’m leaning towards kindness as intended by the creator. Anyway I’m happy everyone is dealing with themselves and I love u all so much for all your efforts. God bless



  224.  #224Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:42 am

    BeLoved, I am doing my work with the situation, thanks. Part of the work I’m doing with the situation is understanding what I do and don’t want in a partner. Every man I’ve dated has given me more clarity. Trust me, I’ll keep exploring this until I feel absolutely neutral toward him – in the meantime, I’m going to get all the gold out of the negative feelings.

    And yes, if you enjoy that quality in men, then I am not here to argue with what is right for you. It’s not right for me.

    When we coached men, the auditoriums were filled with engineers and computer programmer guys who were not having the success they wanted with women. The going up in the head to answer questions is a form of disconnection, and these guys were always getting dismal results. Again, if you like that quality, more power to you. I don’t want that in a man.

    People I work with in private coaching, as they release their negative emotions, become more and more spontaneous and authentic and less and less going in their head about anything. For me, there is great joy in living that way and I would want the same in a partner …



  225.  #225Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:44 am

    And forgive me, in my passion of speaking my truth, I realize it may have sounded like I was saying what is “right” for all women. I have seen a lot of women feel very trapped in relationships with “nice” guys, I personally don’t want that for myself … and it’s not for me to say if another woman finds that suits her just fine.



  226.  #226Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I didn’t know where this guy’s boundaries were at all, because he didn’t know. If I’d been willing to “trade” for sex, I probably could have had him doing just about anything for me. But at what cost? While his anger is slowly building because he’s not setting boundaries and then I get “ambushed” with it in some bizarre passive-aggressive way … no thanks. I’ll take a “jerk” any day over that. At least I know what I’m dealing with … gonna go take a shower and run some errands. I am enjoying the clarity that I am receiving from working my way through these yucky feelings about this guy …



  227.  #227Hana on July 29, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Woah, I just realized something! One of my fears with relationships with men is that I am a package, me and my two toddlers. But what I realized is that it is because I feel like it’s MY block not theirs. If I learn to love that and to see that being a single mother of two small children can be a benefit rather than a disadvantage then I will learn to attract those men that mirror that belief too!!!!! Awesome thing for me to get.



  228.  #228miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Erika I think the nice guy thing can sometimes be a respect/ observing stance by them. While they are nice there are other qualities that manifest their self over a period of time when a place of understanding their partner arrives..



  229.  #229BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 11:57 am

    September 2012

    There is a healing and a message with the old flirty man…I’m not sure exactly what it is but it has something to do with me, lol.
    For all I know all he wants is a date and dinner…*I’m* the one imagining he wants to creep all over me.
    And I could even call him and get that…
    but
    also,
    I know the vibe I like, the vibe that works for me. It’s wide open and bright-eyed and transparent and nothing to hide.

    From my reaction to the creepy guy and the memories that came up in association with it, I think there is still a lil’ victim hiding out in my mind somewhere.
    Come out come out little one!
    Gonna sit with this and notice what comes up.
    ~~~

    Hmm…
    what’s being triggered here?
    tapping in to how sad and rejected and heartsick and invisible and misunderstood I felt when
    I was in the abusive situation and couldn’t see my way out.
    The images coming are of watching a hurting, defensive, angry me feeling isolated, left out, doesn’t belong with the ‘good’ people who have houses and cars and think a bad day is when the their kids are too loud or they gained 4 lbs.
    Oh…got it..
    this is about feeling abandoned by my sisters…
    I felt like they just could never see how I ended up so traumatized and they seem to believe that I was doing all of this stuff to myself on purpose
    (tears rising)
    it took me so long to finally understand my brain
    was actually malfunctioning due to unmet needs
    and how trauma works, that memories get stuck in the lizard brain and the brain thinks that same incident is eternally happening over and over
    and we have limbic imprints that simply will not ALLOW us to move away from
    horrible situations until we get the right kind of help
    feeling so defensive
    i haven’t been doing it on purpose
    i feel helpless
    i feel anguished…why won’t you help me???
    I could use a hand up
    intense pain in the back of my throat, a lump
    oh, it’s not even in my throat how strange
    pain
    around my thyroid, burning and spreading
    it’s moving down the side of my throat and down into my chest
    now it’s pain in my ear
    (do you hear yourself?)
    what part of me needs a hand up?
    Who is the “I” that could use a hand up?
    (oh, it’s the little victim from yesterday’s creeper episode)
    Hi
    What do you need, baby?
    I don’t know.
    Shh…
    I feel scared
    I didn’t know you could hear me (laughing now)
    Yawn
    I hear you baby
    I just want out of this place, it’s dark and it’s scary
    You want out?
    Yes
    (wailing inside…ouch!)
    What would relieve this pain?
    I don’t know
    Now pain is radiating from right scapula to front collarbone (stabbed in the back)
    Who stabbed you in the back?
    I don’t know but it hurt
    I hear you.
    What do you need, baby?
    My mommy. Just a little bit.
    Okay, let’s bring in your mommy..ohh…she’s rocking you now
    Ahh! Big sigh
    Still pain though
    Moh…ahahaha, it just let go and I’m laughing oh holy wow that feels good!
    Relief!
    Woot!
    My whole right arm is tingling with blood flow….the stuck energy is flowing out of my arm and out through my fingertips, shaking it off.
    Wow, so much better, thank you!!!!!

    (Next day) That little victim yesterday, was unconsciously putting myself in others’ places…oh, I could have used a hand up, so therefore I should be the friend of everyone going through a tough time.
    Uhh..NO. Done. I have friends that do need a hand up and I know they sincerely love and appreciate me, I KNOW that VIBE, no doubt about it. The little one needed her mommy so I gave her a wonderful one and now I don’t feel like I need to mother the whole frigging world now.

    I can see that mother again, too, looking at me with so much love while she’s rocking the baby. She has beautiful brown eyes and she has eternal, infinite patience and is so attuned to the baby’s needs that she will never need to sit in a dirty diaper, she’ll always have the breast the instant she needs it and never wait, all of the rocking and singing and love and belonging and loving eye contact she’ll ever need.



  230.  #230Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:59 am

    I started setting boundaries for him because I didn’t want to deal with his passive-aggressive if I didn’t. That’s how bad it got. Wow did I then feel no respect and no attraction. K I’m off ..



  231.  #231BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Erika – I hear you and I trust your process to you.

    Hugs to you, I appreciate how inspired I’ve been by you, thank you!



  232.  #232sophie on July 29, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Friends man talks circles round me x I just told him that being friends (whilst being so close) feels bad and that I feel the only solution is not to see him and he talked circles…this has happened EVERY time over the last few months and I feel really upset x I feel caught x I don’t know how to put my boundary in and mean it because I feel so upset by the fall out x I don’t know why he can’t just let me go x I feel really sad x I am crying x He wants to know why I didn’t tell him before now x we fell out on Thursday because I realised how furious I actually feel about being the sudo-f’ing-girlfriend but havent spoken to him x partly because I knew that this is what I’d get x it was all about him how he hoped one day i’d appreciate him and he was nasty saying im not even being very attractive anymore – why???? because i’m saying things he doesn’t like?????

    i feel so fed up with being on the receiving end of other people’s b’shit ROAR I feel really angry and I feel really upset x

    I want him to hear me but he can’t hear me x I want him to hear that it isn’t about him and that being his ‘friend’ is painful for me.

    He’s coming over to talk x I could really do without this whirlwind x I have a lot of work to do tomorrowx

    Do any Sirens have any advice?

    Indigo – your updates are so lovely BTW x



  233.  #233sophie on July 29, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    how can i say it in a way he understands?



  234.  #234miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Beloved nice poem… thanks.



  235.  #235miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Have a good day. Bye



  236.  #236Mercedes on July 29, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Sophie: “I don’t know how to put my boundary in and mean it because I feel so upset by the fall out x I don’t know why he can’t just let me go”

    From my experience, this is a really normal reaction from a man when you put a tough boundary in place. J wouldn’t “let me go” either…I left. When it was bad for me, I walked away. After your boundary (“I just told him that being friends (whilst being so close) feels bad and that I feel the only solution is not to see him”) is in place and it’s been communicated, you don’t owe him additional explanations. If you really, really don’t want to see him as a friend, then it is up to you to cut the ties…it’s not really up to him to let you go. If you’re not prepared to do that, then what you’ve put in place really isn’t a boundary, it’s more like a suggestion…

    I’m sorry you are hurting. 🙁 I know from experience how hard this is…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  237.  #237sophie on July 29, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    i think that’s the first time he’s chucked an attacking remark/insult at me? is he trying to ‘fear’ me into changing my mind? i can’t do attacking remarks again x i can’t do a man stripping me apart bit by bit x i really really can’t x



  238.  #238Mercedes on July 29, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Sophie: “how can i say it in a way he understands?” For me, it wasn’t words, it was actions. I didn’t like the way I was being treated and talked to so…I stopped being available to be treated or talked to. I cut all ties. For several months. Close to a year actually. I don’t know if that’s right for you though…that’s just the way it worked out for me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  239.  #239Lisa on July 29, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I’m catching it that little pesty insect called urgency and needy… it’s like a mosquito that won’t leave you alone… but the spaces are larger now in between and last night was amazing! I couldn’t find my friends at the concert, so I hung out by myself totally happy dancing by myself, loving me, being with me… happy to be by myself… it felt so good….

    The little pesty insect called feeling safe and secure and happy on my own… oh what’s this that can’t be… it will rock the boat… that’s not your story… your story is you need a man… you have to hurry and get one… and then I decide that that insect needs to go…

    great way to allow myself to notice that there isn’t anything I need but now… the beauty of it, the power of it… and the amazing joy of soaking in being totally with me… even with hundreds of people surrounding me listening to music and today is amazing with the nice temperate weather and enjoying my child… and no NV’s bugging me…

    and circle dating is fun! flirting and having no desire to have anything come of it… they can like it or not… I’m being real…

    I’m good enough for ME….and that’s really all that matters…

    OXOXOX



  240.  #240miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Sophie, I’m sorry your upset. I wish you Could smile and have pleasant thoughts. You sound like a very tender person and deserve to be happy inside. Sometimes people that Don t understand things try to adapt. I wish you nothing but beautiful days and wonderful memories. I need to go for a while.



  241.  #241sophie on July 29, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I think its right for me Mercedes cos I can’t be in the form of relationship he wants (intensely close and sexual, supportive and creative BUT completely separated from the rest of his life and with NO commitment). I can’t do it. I feel angry that I’m here and that I’m not getting my needs met.

    However, whenever I try to separate myself he does not like me doing it and I feel very guilty I think because he makes it all about me not valuing him or all of the things he does for me x

    that is what I can’t make him hear and I have done no contact with men in the past because I’ve had too but when they’ve not done anything ‘wrong’ as such and are really not hearing you it is so hard to do without feeling scared and guilty and cruel – this is what I’m struggling with…he’s on his way…i feel very sad 🙁



  242.  #242Hana on July 29, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Sophie, please be strong. Be true to yourself and what you deserve. And most of all be aware that perhaps you are weak to his “begging” to stay together. You don’t need the drama of this, what you need is the right kind of relationship that has good and natural and healthy excitement. Be true to you and your needs. Don’t settle. Don’t.



  243.  #243Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Feeling a little nervous and off balance. Someone who played the hot and cold game with me in the past. Declaring they wanted to be with me and saying thingsyc like in the future when we are married blah blah blah and then used to disapear for weeks and weeks always with apologies and incedible excuses.

    Has recently been letting me know they have been cycling past my house hoping to see me day dreaming about me and having night dreams about me, every day they declare.

    Saying how thet want to make their dreams and fantasies reality. Claiming they only ‘house share’ with the woman they are with don’t love them are in love with me etc etc etc. And he is just staying for finacial reasons. Yeah right, just find a room mate then male! What a load BS!
    This poor woman doesn’t know this though she thinks they are in a committed life partnership.

    I called him on it asking him not to contact me again. He can be sweet charming say all the right things, then poof. Then back then poof. I stopped seeing him ages ago.

    What feels concerning though and has me feeling nervous is him saying he has been coming past my house regularly.

    I do not know what to do.

    I feel on edged like being stalked.

    My heart got very entangled in the past.

    Feel a little scared.



  244.  #244Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Sophie how about not trying to “let him hear” and just agree with him. When he bad mouths you just tell him “correct, you are right”. Don’t argue with him maybe even suggest that is the reason why it is so puzzling why he doesn’t move on and find someone who will supply all his needs. This is if you definitely want him to go. Just agree with everything he says. No explanation.



  245.  #245Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Who said men don’t like drama?

    That is such a lie. It seems they like the kind that gets their blood pumping.



  246.  #246Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Well sophie, it seems your lesson here is that you have found a way to make your ex want you back that maybe some other ladies here could learn a lesson from.



  247.  #247Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    You too Syreena



  248.  #248Wildgeranium on July 29, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    #242

    Ha! They just don’t like *our* drama!



  249.  #249Wildgeranium on July 29, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Syreena, yes total BS.
    I agree about the riding past your house. That is stalker-ish.



  250.  #250Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Lisa – just reading the article above. “The smell of desperation”. “The reeking of the smell”. Imagining on my hair, coming out of my pores. The smell on my body. The whole thought of the reek and the smell leave me feeling so disgusted that I want to brush it off my skin, shake it off. Do whatever I need to do to get rid of it. It feels so scornful (: and yucky believe me I would do anything to get a million miles away from anything that looks like, walks like, taste like, smell like or feel like desperation.

    Yuck

    Yuck

    Just yech



  251.  #251Wildgeranium on July 29, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Sirens, a book recommendation:

    ‘Taming your outer child” by Susan Anderson

    Fantastic! Nice follow up if you’ve become bummed out by the ‘Attached’ book.

    Compliments Rori’s materials very well.

    XOXO



  252.  #252Hana on July 29, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    The tables have turned. I have no idea how this happened so fast. A is back in chase mode. He sent me a letter back and a couple of texts. He wants to work on us, and he apoligized for taking long to reply.

    I am not happy about things, I’m very unsure if I want to let him back in my life. This vulnerable few days and terrible pain I’ve experienced does not dissapear so fast. I am very hesitant to let him in. It is time for me to be good to myself and to re establish the boundaries… He has got to be the man I need from him or I can’t be with him anymore. And if he can’t do that, adios Amir!

    🙂 happier moments for moi yaYyy



  253.  #253Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Wildgeranium have you read her Journey from Abandonment to Healing? I just reserved your recommendation in the library and noticed this one.



  254.  #254Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Hana you have to pay attention to know how it happened. If you don’t want to be with him you likely will with someone else. Then you want to be aware and use good relationship skills.



  255.  #255Cris on July 29, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    hello everybody
    just new here and for the moment I will say only that I am amazed with this blog and Rori’s ideas which sound very very true! and of course I admire you intelligent ladies and reading your concerns about men I am feeling better. All the best luck my dear girls!
    Cris



  256.  #256BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I feel so angry when I hear C’s voice now.
    I just don’t want to hear it.
    He was following the cleaning girl up and down the hallway, actually followed her into the bathroom and I could hear them laughing in there…
    First I’m like..wtf…did he really just follow her in there?
    Part of me wants to “tell”, that feels petty and not coming from a clean place.
    Part of me thinks he’s trying to get my attention, he’s been up and down the hall, getting louder and louder, coming and going more often than he has for VERY long time.
    I feel sad
    I don’t know what to do
    It feels suck that he seems to be finding ways to push more boundaries, and nobody “in charge” seems to notice, they just let him get away with stuff because nobody wants to actually manage here.
    I feel sad and left out, it feels painful to me that he isn’t playful with me anymore, feels like…he knows it hurts and is making a deliberate show that everyone gets his smiles but me.

    I’ve totally done this in the past.
    It sucks. And it feels gross that he followed TR into the bathroom…??!
    I don’t know what to feel.
    I feel trapped
    what else?
    heaviness in my chest
    haha okay yes this reminds me of something
    reminds me of my dad having smiles for my sisters but not me (not true, he snarled at them, too).

    Hand on heart (thank you, Syreena)
    It feels so wrong. He stopped speaking to me and I respect that and don’t follow him around, don’t seek him out, don’t go where he is…
    I feel unsafe
    like it’s not okay to be me and easy and natural and friendly anymore
    oh, okay
    something here…
    I’m thinking of dolphins and echolocation and
    what’s bouncing back from my sonar that hurts??
    what’s bouncing back that’s “not love”?
    what am I not loving in “him”?
    the pain.
    Hm.
    what else?
    that’s it, the pain.
    Hm.
    anyting else?
    nope..(I don’t believe that voice)
    Is it the aggression? The feelings of aggression?
    I feel intimidated.
    what am I seeing through the eyes of a skittery child?
    It’s like I’m not seeing the wholeness, the fullness, the vastness of him, it’s too much to process, it feels painful to be with..
    (is this a reflection of my inner him?)
    yes you got it
    oh..fear.
    fear is driving this.
    Hmm…
    the pain that arises from nowhere
    it’s nobody’s fault

    interesting that today’s ACIM lesson is:

    “I choose the joy of God instead of pain.

    Pain is my own idea. It is not a Thought of God, but one I
    thought apart from Him and from His Will. His Will is joy,
    and only joy for His beloved Son. And that I choose, instead
    of what I made.”

    Do I really have a choice?
    It seems…
    oh, okay, I got it
    I don’t need to know how
    “I don’t know how I choose the joy of God, I only know I do now and I am fulfilled”.

    breathing, relaxing…
    hiccups 🙂



  257.  #257Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    “I can guarantee you that continuing to act from anger will NOT make him want to be with you. This is true in any relationship with a man, from the first date to the last breath you take together.

    A man is there with us because he wants to be, and for no other reason. So insisting that he toe the line and do ANYTHING you ask him to do – even if it’s for the good of your marriage – will get you nowhere.”



  258.  #258BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    miranda and hana…thank you for the compliments. It feels good when others respond to stuff I just throw out there as part of my process 🙂



  259.  #259Mercedes on July 29, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Sophie: “However, whenever I try to separate myself he does not like me doing it” – They pretty much never do. You have no reason to feel guilty about your boundaries. This is really, really hard, but unless you’re ready to do the no contact and stop putting up with the relationship he’s giving you, then I see no way out of this really. From the sounds of it, he’s not going to walk away from YOU…so that leaves you walking away from him…

    But you won’t be able to convince him verbally I don’t think…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  260.  #260sophie on July 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Thank you all – I just got back to reading the comments and could hear you all right behind me x it feels very solidx

    So we had the conversation and it started fraught bit we got round to a clearer. more loving, less defended place. He said he didn’t want to course me pain so that is that … until he texts

    which he may or may not do – he has before

    so that is when I have to stand my ground again – i really do – I really want to do a Mercedes 🙂 You are so right Mercedes I have to keep my actions congruent with what I want and what I want is 100% not to get sucked back into a form that does not suit me or make me happy x I think although the many moments make me happy in the moment the underlying feeling is stress i don’t need and anxiety I don’t need x I need to be able to love freely with it flowing back and forth, open and free x I have used the word free twice x obviously the feelings between he and I do not feel free and they don’t x

    Absolutely don’t want any drama x I want simplicity x I cleaned my house today cleared out all the clutter and have a new writing contract to start tomorrow and an exercise machine arriving on thurs 🙂 x new beginnings x all is good x

    Thank you so much for the back up everyone x it really really does help x



  261.  #261sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    “If you really, really don’t want to see him as a friend, then it is up to you to cut the ties…it’s not really up to him to let you go. If you’re not prepared to do that, then what you’ve put in place really isn’t a boundary, it’s more like a suggestion…”

    Mercedes I missed this earlier I was in such a panic – great words and advice x I really really don’t want to see him as a friend (as much as that wrenches at me because of the complete contradiction to really wanting to see him) and I do now need to completely keep asserting that fact should he ‘not really be listening’. Ok, cool, I’m going to practice boundaries (not suggestions :)) that are loving but firm x my ‘no contact’ boundaries in the past have always come from a place of no-nonsense aggression x



  262.  #262sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    unless you’re ready to do the no contact and stop putting up with the relationship he’s giving you, then I see no way out of this really. @ Mercedes – yes absolutely x I need to paste this to my hand 🙂



  263.  #263sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    244 FW – Love it I laughed imagining that x you are so right 🙂

    Hana – spot on I don’t need the drama and FW spot on who says men don’t love the drama – I see the drama

    Miranda – thank you for the kind words



  264.  #264sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    246 – not yet fw – he wants me on his terms x who knows if he’ll ever step up



  265.  #265sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Hana 252 I had a suspicion that that would happen x i wondered if maybe he needed to spend some time thinking about his response x now you can explore if he is who you want/need or not and all is open and clear x what a wonderful position to be in x yay you! x



  266.  #266brenda on July 29, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Starbright 214 I have read baggage reclaim maybe over 100 of her post and I have cut contact at the longest for 3 mths.He called my home line everyday i didn’t change the num I just blocked him but I did change my cell.So he decided to just come over at the time my daughter was getting out of school and he was at the door and she called me and said that he was there and that he told her he was waiting for me.Which was a lie and at that point he got on the phone and asked me to come home that he just wants to talk and thats how he got my new num. He and I don’t have any children together but my kids have been around him since 06 so I knew my daughter wasn’t in any danger so I didn’t go home.My sis went to pick my daughter up and he stayed there and called my cell phone back to back from my home phone.Then he began to text and say that he’ll give me til tomorrow and if I don’t talk to him that it will begin to be really ugly for me,he eventually left.The next day he started calling my cell and text said he’s not mad at me and he just wants to talk to see if we can work on our relationship and if not at least he’ll have closure. I agreed to talk to him he apologized for everything and said he wants us back together and how things will be different.So I agreed we spent the day together and he made plans for us to go out on the weekend within that time we talked on the phone but things didn’t seem right.Fri day came and all we did was text sat came and he didn’t text til later at night around 8 saying wyd? So I asked him where he was that I would come there cause I had something to ask him and he said he’ll call me in a min and it never happened.I was crushed,I called and text long messages and he text me back and said thats the reason why he changed his mind that I pushed him way back.I didn’t understand for 3 mths I didn’t contact him I even started dating and had sex with the guy a few times even though I thought about him everyday I tried to move on.It even started to get easier thats why I thought I was strong enough to meet with him and then when he talked about a relationship with me I said maybe I can trust my heart and trust his word for once but within # days there were no actions.So I let go again for him to continue to call and text as though nothing had happened. I continued to ignore him.Then I felt I couldn’t anymore I fell like is this all I’m worth what he’s offering.I didn’t feel connected to the new guy so I stopped going out with him.The x and I continued to see each other once or twice a week sex only it makes me feel empty inside.He says he’s so glad I am back talking to him and he was going to loose his mind if I kept it up any longer and don’t I see that he loves me. I don’t see it and now once or twice a week has turned in to every morn because its close to his job.He may sleep at my house Once or twice a week but usually he’s somewhere else.He came to my job one day we had lunch and he asked me if I been having sex with anyone else because one night I was out with a friend while he was at the house.I told him no and he didn’t believe me ,so I asked him and he told me that Its me and 2 other women but they know its not serious.So he said since he told me some info that I need to let him check my phone and he would let me look at his too.But I told him no,he said that he knows I was with someone and when he finds out he will hide my car from me. He also said that I shouldn’t have guys over and he better not catch anyone over because it will be a problem for me not the guy.Its at the point that I’m not even interested in anyone I feel ugly and angry.I want to have a loving healthy relationship with a man but I don’t know how.I don’t know where to go I don’t have any friends and the ones I do have are married or in committed relationships.I don’t feel connected to my family or anyone for about 6 mths now. I feel as though no one wants to be my friend or Boyfriend.I try to connect with people at work and I get stood up or sold false promises.The last 6 mths have been really hard for me and I’m ont even connected to him but it feels like lately having someone around on some terms is better than being by myself.I have talked to a therapist last oct and with my work schedule and kids I missed ap and he had to cut me as a patient so I have to wait a few mths to get assigned to another therapist to reopen my case.



  267.  #267brenda on July 29, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Starbright214 I told him this Morn to get his things and go he said that it would be gone by the time I got off work.I got home and he didn’t move anything out I don’t know if I should call him and if so what do I say?



  268.  #268Vi on July 29, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    I feel guilty to vote for me.. I’m doing it anyway though… I love me.



  269.  #269sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Hi Brenda

    ((((Hugs))) It sounds like over the time you now have quite a good idea of how this man operates – like as you said being so persistent with calling when you went ‘no contact’ for 3 months – I applaud you for all you have done to break the cycle of being with this man who doesn’t seem to be making you happy

    as I was reading I was thinking about Mercedes advice to me – earlier – she said to me that they rarely want to let us go and it’s liable nothing will change through words only through actions…

    I hear that you feel low and isolated from others. It’s possible this whole situation is grinding you down and If you manage to resolve this it may give you some space to start feeling good again?



  270.  #270Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I feel happy and more free. I’ve been moving toward accepting that I like being single. I like being unattached. Before I felt so much “pressure” to be in a relationship. Now I accept that unless a man is exactly what I want, I’d rather be single. I felt shame before about being unmarried. I don’t want to feel shame about this anymore. It’s okay to be single. It feels good to be single. I embrace myself being single.

    I like hearing what feels to me like empowerment on this thread … sirens who are really shifting the dynamic in their relationships. I feel it too for me. I feel happy that I can say “no nice guys for me thanks very much” and that’s okay. I’m not going to “give ‘good’ men a chance” if that means having relationships with men who haven’t done their inner development. I don’t say what works for any other woman.

    I would not want to be with a man who doesn’t have charisma and good boundaries and emotional mastery and know how to be honest with himself and with me. How could he possibly share my life purpose with me? How could he drive internet traffic and make sales if he doesn’t have these qualities?

    I feel good taking a stand for being single until the perfect man for me is here. I will not be with a “nice boring silently angry guy” … EVER. I feel more powerful embracing my single-ness as self-loving and right for me right now.



  271.  #271sophie on July 29, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    yay Vi 🙂 if we always vote for ourselves at least we know we’ll always get one vote x that is worth voting for 🙂

    I always use the Louise Hay affirmation ” I now release all feelings of guilt” times ten thousand million



  272.  #272Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Brenda – 183 – Why are you still allowing this to go on. It seems clear that this man doesn’t want you for anything more than a maid with benefits. He’s taking what he can and giving nothing back. Please stop doing for him. Please change your locks. From what you say here, no amount of leaning back and taking care of yourself will change this.

    Now go take care of yourself. Fill yourself up in any way which feels good. Activities and people which make you feel something deep inside, passion, fun, laughter. Go lavish love all over yourself from the outside in and the inside out.

    xxoo



  273.  #273Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Also … along with “forgetting” about wine some nights … I am noticing that I’ve been “forgetting” about my ex for sometimes extended periods of time now … hehehe … hooray for me! 🙂



  274.  #274Cris on July 29, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Hello ladies

    I am new on this page and I must say I am amazed by Rori’s ideas that can be very very true. I wish I had applied the principles in my long history of “giving-more-than- I-got” relationships…. But for the time being I only want to say that there is a fabulous group of intelligent and nice women here and all your concerns are helping me in my current situation. Maybe I will be able to share something else in the future

    Thank you for being there and all the best

    Cris



  275.  #275Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Syreena – 186 – I’m not sure where you got this – that all attachments are something to avoid.

    Detaching from unhealthy ones, yes indeed, please do. Forming healthy one based on love, care, and consideration are healthy. I think it’s a part of being love and loving.

    I feel very attached to K. I feel connected to him when he’s right with me and when he’s not. I miss him when he has to go away, and I feel a sort of void. I still have a very full life without him which I think may be key, yet he’s an important and integral part of my life, and I look forward to him coming him every day.

    Does this help clarify for you?

    xxoo



  276.  #276Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Brenda, forgive me … I’m having this lovely fantasy vision of all his stuff being neatly stacked on the curb and the locks changed by the next time he shows up … and meanwhile the music plays …

    “And then I spent so many nights thinking how you done me wrong … and I grew strong … I learned how to get along …”



  277.  #277Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Syreena – 187 – Leaning back and being able to take care of yourself also means being open and vulnerable, an invitation, a soft place to land for your man. There is not rigidity or hardness to this.

    xxoo



  278.  #278Vi on July 29, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Hehe thank you Sophie! 🙂 Your comment fills me with happy giggles! I feel supprted 🙂



  279.  #279Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Maybe even a cookie on top of the pile of his belongings. A goodbye gift … with you waving from the window …

    Buh-bye … buh-bye …

    “Just turn around, cuz you’re not welcome anymore …”

    “I’m not that chained up person still in love with you”



  280.  #280Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Indigo – 191 – I so love this. This is what can happen and did for you when you transform your energy. SO happy for you.

    Sending you love.

    xxoo



  281.  #281Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    surferchica and Hana – 195 &196 – And then there are some very healthy, loving, passionate relationships. They are possible. If I was able to create one, anyone can, and I’m not alone here. I had never known or seen a good relationship until my own. Now I see then everywhere. What you focus on grows.

    xxoo



  282.  #282Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    surferchica – 200 – Maybe this will help.

    http://sexandheart.com/how-to-tell-if-your-man-is-enough-for-you

    xxoo



  283.  #283Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Beloved – 222 – I love how you phrased this. Absolutely this is true. I’m married to an engineer, and he’s exactly like this, waiting first to see if I’ve finished and also pausing to create his response in his way. after having weighed his options or possibilities as you said. He’s also a Libra, so….

    xxoo



  284.  #284Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Yes, my ex from law school is a very good man … and we had a very passionate relationship and great chemistry … we really only broke up because he wanted to go to Africa the third year of law school and travel for a couple years instead of finishing up … To be honest, if I had it to do over again … knowing what I know now … I probably would have gone with him instead of staying on the “straight and narrow” path … He taught me that I don’t need to settle for boring to be loved.



  285.  #285Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    We did the long distance thing for another two years until it just got to be too much, four years altogether … and never boring … nor did I doubt that I was loved. We just weren’t ready for a real commitment.



  286.  #286Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Erika – 224 – This may be true for some, but it’s not true for all, and to paint all people who ponder briefly at times before responding is not allowing them to be who they are.

    I don’t think engineers take the time to formulate each and every response they might make, yet when it’s important to them, they might. I do this too at times. And it doesn’t mean I haven’t done the work. It doesn’t necessarily mean that engineer types have not done the work.

    K has done plenty of work, and he will at times pause to say what he has to say if it’s something he wants to consider first for any number of reasons. I don’t see this as a negative at all but a person of compassion and intelligence.

    xxoo



  287.  #287Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Hana – 227 – YES!!! Yay you for seeing this.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  288.  #288Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Thank you for explianing Dominque.

    That makes sense. Also feel happy to hear your take on healthy attachments.



  289.  #289Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    sophie – 232 – And maybe he will never be able to hear. Can you be okay with this? Can you move on?

    xxoo



  290.  #290Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Dominique,

    Hearing your comments, my thought is that maybe some other woman can love this guy. And all the more reason for me not to be with him … I’m not trying to tell anyone here what they “should” like in a man …

    I do have a lot of experience coaching men, and we saw this with engineers and computer programmers all the time, and it wasn’t working for them.

    I’m not saying that any time someone pauses, they have gone in their head. Some people are getting present so they can feel an inner conflict or give a more authentic answer …

    Not so in this case. This guy has not done his work. He thinks he has, but he hasn’t. I can’t even imagine him giving a public speech or making sales for this business, which requires an incredibly high degree of social intuition and spontaneous emotional connection with the person or people in front of us. And while that may work for another woman, it doesn’t work for me …



  291.  #291Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I’ve also coached a lot of people and seen them through this particular transformation, from where I can feel them “churning in their head” or “holding back” to where they can spontaneously express themselves assertively and clearly … He needs that coaching and isn’t getting it. Or he needs to be with a woman who’s willing to love him the way he is.

    I’m not saying what’s true for you. Just what’s true for me.



  292.  #292Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I can see what you both are saying Erika and Dominque.

    Engineers by their very nature are systemisers more so than the average men so will be in their heads even more so than the average man
    As our brains aren’t fixed though if they chose to do the work they can become more balananced and compassionate.



  293.  #293Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    And computer programmers. Systemisers. They understand how things work better than how relationships and people work.



  294.  #294Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Erika – 290 – I understand better now. Thank you for clarifying. What you say here is what I was saying –

    “Some people are getting present so they can feel an inner conflict or give a more authentic answer.”

    And I would add, so that they might be also respectful of possible known or unknown triggers in the recipient.

    xxoo



  295.  #295Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Yes, Dominique … and … especially after coaching so many people, and being really empathic, I can feel the difference. How disconnected from me this guy was even more clear when he tried to “sew me up” based on a FB post I wrote that didn’t even have anything to do with him …

    I’ve spent entire stretches of time in silence with another man and never felt more connected in my life … absolute divine bliss of connection … and I’ve experienced extremely awkward silences with this man when I finally refused to continue doing the “work” of the conversation for him …

    I trust my intuition that he absolutely is not the right man for me. And I know he’s still a gift in my life because these triggers are helping me keep growing and deepening … and I just keep recording videos 🙂



  296.  #296BeLoved on July 29, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Erika – Dominique said what I mean better than I could.
    I wasn’t trying to invalidate your experience or suggest this guy was some gem in the rough or anything. You were there, you know what went down.

    I was responding to the idea that “going in the head” and taking time to respond was in and of itself a red flag.



  297.  #297Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Thanks BeLoved, I appreciate you also clarifying as Dominique did … I’m talking about a disconnected “churning” up in the head that can be felt in the body of the other person in the situation …

    Rori talks a lot about how men can feel our energy, even if they are not with us physically. It works the same way in reverse. And although it is very common for “techie” guys to have this churning issue, that does not mean that all of them have it … This guy is not even a “techie” guy … he just has a lot of the same patterns of guys I used to coach at conventions.

    And thanks for acknowledging that my experience is my experience. There were red flags all over the place, and really it all comes down to – I knew from the first instant I saw him in person that he’s not my guy. My initial gut feeling was “ewww.” I even gave him a chance after that anyway … yet I find time and time again … Our intuition really is powerful if we listen to it.

    I don’t override my intuition anymore about guys. If I don’t feel it, I don’t feel it. No more time and energy draining on relationships that were never meant to be. I have done that enough times to know it doesn’t work for me.



  298.  #298Dominique on July 29, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    I agree on the intuition Erika once it is well honed.

    For some it can feel difficult to distinguish between this and gremlin voices, i.e anxiety, insecurity arising. I have written about this, the differences. If anyone is interested, I will look for this article.

    xxoo



  299.  #299Femininewoman on July 29, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Cris hi. It is good to see you here. I look forward to reading your story.



  300.  #300miranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Maybe not gremlin voices at all, maybe not insecure, and then the thoughts of just needing a little down time to process “family photos” -_-



  301.  #301miranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    I feel tired and need to rest some, just want to say god bless you all and much love to you too. Baby imma wantcha baby imma needya :-):-D



  302.  #302Mercedes on July 29, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    I was an engineer for a living for about 15 years. I’m not so sure we’re a “type”. Feels like labels to me… 😉

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  303.  #303Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Like I said, not every engineer or techie would fall in the same camp. It’s a simple fact though that the vast vast majority of men at these workshops were engineer, computer programmer, techie types … and none of the coaches thought that was a coincidence. And … like I also said … this guy was not a techie. He just had the same patterns as the guys at those workshops.



  304.  #304Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    A lot of professions train people to be “in their head.” My former profession of law is an excellent example of this. I got more and more disconnected from myself the longer I was in law, until I found these tools outside of work.



  305.  #305Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I remember how interesting it felt to me when I still had my law job and was blogging on the side. I noticed that my chronic pain would flare up while typing at work … and it would not flare up when I was doing the exact same motion blogging at home …

    The subject matter of the work made it almost impossible not to disconnect from myself to some degree when I was there.



  306.  #306Brenda on July 29, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Sophie-269 thanks for the hugs, I have cut ties with people because my mind is so consumed I see that plenty of people got tired of seeing me down and wondering what was the new shenanigan I would have goingon for the week.

    I cut ties with a long term friend that I don’t regret but now days I feel like a half of a friend would be better than no friend.Well this particular friend I had been friends with he for over 10 yrs.just a yr ago she became really good friends with the x’s sister which was ok with me, until my friend began to come bacl with bits of info on x which came from his sister about him being with several women.Something I suspected and found to be true by going thru his phone.Well my friend had bits of info she forgot to mention that he had a woman pregnant. Something I found out by showing up a t his place unannounced.

    My friend had a gathering at her house and as soon as I came in the door her sister asked me was I still dragging around with x? And how no good he was and if he’s not with me he’s with a lady named T and how the lady was about to have x’s baby.So I asked my friend if she had known about the baby and why she never told me but she found time to tell me everything else without me asking her and really honest to God I never asked her what info she had got on him from his gossipy sister.I felt hurt she knew and didn’t tell me so I cut all communication with her.

    Most days I am deep in thought or so angry with him I can’t think straight to have a normal convo with anyone.As Rori stated I’m desperate and angry and its a turn off in every relationship.



  307.  #307Brenda on July 29, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Dominique-272 I don’t have an answer to that bscause I really don’t know if I still love him.I feel like maybe if I was a lil more quite and not voice my needs thinhs would’ve worked out.He said I was nagging.I would sit next to him and see his Mom sis and whoever else calling and text for money or a ride, and I think if I would’ve been more understanding of his situation maybe I would’ve got the love I wan from him?



  308.  #308miranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    I feel if someone is pregnant that it can’t be helped now, all you can do is move forward. It must be difficult having the tension ot being upset and also being pregnant. But you have things that happen. No one can be angry about that all someone can do is the best they can do. Personally I’m one to be upset, get it out and then focus on important issues, or family l, or work… Im sure it’s a very difficult time for you right now and FBI can be there for you i will. Hope you are feeling at peace soon. Smile, somewhere somebody cares a lot.:-):-)



  309.  #309miranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    ,(If I) not FBI … Sorry typo



  310.  #310Emerson on July 29, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    298 Dominique
    First of all, hi!:)
    As far as intuition is concerned I do feel a gut feeling when it’s real…
    I’ve been focusing on how I feel when I’m “right” so I can take note of it…



  311.  #311Emerson on July 29, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    I feel happy I am off tomorrow!



  312.  #312Emerson on July 29, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Ugh why am I feeling hopeless like it will never be the “real thing ” with a man…
    I love my hopelessness…

    I feel scared to feel excited about a guy when it turns out he just thinks I’m interesting for sex. 🙁
    I feel empty and worthless I hate it. I want to feel close and cared for.
    What is the Morris here and why am I attracting so many weird things!?
    I want to feel hopeful and optimistic like I did for so many years when I was young…



  313.  #313Emerson on July 29, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Mirror not morris



  314.  #314Daria on July 29, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    i feel sad and i know i really feel so angry



  315.  #315Daria on July 29, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    ((((((((((((Daria))))))))))))))



  316.  #316Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Thank you Dominique 🙂

    Much love back.

    x



  317.  #317Indigo on July 29, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    sophie,

    Thank you 🙂

    For me, it would be important to take care of what I was feeling now – you say you feel anger, pain – are there beliefs underneath that which need to be loved? Feeling not good enough etc.?

    I don’t know, I tend to think when you’ve done this part you tend to speak with more clarity, it seems to be “felt” more strongly by the man, and it has more impact for you.

    (((hug)))



  318.  #318Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    You are ectremely rare Mercedes.

    How many female engineers are there?

    It is an extremly Masculine job. Feel curious what did you do? What type of Engineer were you.

    How can the world exist without categories and labels?
    Engineer is a label
    Man is a label.
    Woman is a label.

    Most Engineers are men. I have just labelled two things.
    Some Engineers are woman. Two labels.

    The part of the brain that is used to make you a good engineer is the part that deals with how objects work.
    As in systems. Object is a label.
    The part of the brain that deals with how people and emotions, is a different area.
    People are not objects.

    Engineeers are great at sytemising by their nature.

    Can women become Engineers yes.
    Can most become good at it?
    Doubtful most would have the motivation, desire or ability.
    As most women by their nature and their brains are better at born being being hardwired to be more interested in peoples faces than things and become better at learning to socialise, reading peoples emotions and body language.

    Most not all.

    The boys and men who are great systemisers and knowing how things work are more interested in things.
    They can learn about relationships emotions etc etc. and get better at it if they want. The ones who struggle a lot do better learning this a different way to the norm.
    Just like women who are great at socialising can learn how a washing machine or camera or other objects actually work if they want to. Etc.



  319.  #319Syreena on July 29, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    I feel confused by not wanting labels.

    How would communication work without any labels?
    I used around 15 labels in my previous post.



  320.  #320miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Is it more of a think tank scenario? Sometimes it’s really amazing to me the possibilities that are there, and yet I feel humbled thinking g that I can indulge in these transcending activities of thought. Interesting.. constructive criticism welcome…



  321.  #321Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Syreena, of course we still use labels at some level. For me, it’s becoming more and more aware of how I’m using labels and doing my best to use more and more neutral “labels.” Being as factual as possible. So for example labeling my mom a “narcissist” was carrying lots and lots of pain without getting it resolved. Calling her “my mom” feels a lot more neutral. Expressing that some things she did felt extremely painful to me also feels more neutral.

    If she’s a “narcissist,” the situation feels kinda hopeless cuz she can’t really change and I’ll keep looking for more evidence to support my label. If I stay in the facts and more “neutral-feeling” labels, there is more fluidity and instead of seeing her as the “enemy” I can see her as a human being who made mistakes. I don’t know if that helps.



  322.  #322miiranda faith on July 29, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    It goes beyond a feeling you know, it’s more than a state of mind. It transforms into seeing what I can become the person I can be. It’s hopeful feeling that’s welcomed.



  323.  #323Zia on July 29, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    I’m curious about this state I am in, where I do want a partnership with a man, but almost feels like my attraction radar is completely switched off. Like… there are men now that I’m noticing turning up, but just as friends and just in a capacity where i can observe how they are behaving. I wonder if this is some kind of transition point.. where I need to get used to the fact that what I found attractive before (in my “damaged” state) I won’t find attractive now… but I’m still getting used to the ways in which I’ve changed therefore have to get used to the sorts of men who are starting to show up? It feels really WEIRD to not find any men in my life attractive!



  324.  #324Zia on July 29, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    Maybe it’s also because that attractiveness was also coming from a needy, “need to fill a hole” place. Hmmmm.



  325.  #325Zia on July 29, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    321 Erika – what you’re saying really resonates with me and how I am working on being myself. How do *I* feel instead of “you are *this*”



  326.  #326Erika Awakening on July 29, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    Zia, thanks for saying that so beautifully. I really resonate with that. I also don’t find any of the men in my life attractive. My theory on this is that “attraction” as we previously felt it arose out of “not-wholeness” and seeking outside ourselves what we were not seeing within … and becoming whole within neutralizes that effect …

    What I do notice myself feeling from time to time, often unexpectedly, several times today, is a feeling of heart-opened love for this man or that man, like a tenderness … rather indiscriminately …

    It’s honestly not any different than the tender moments I have with my cats … or with the garlic clove in the fridge … then again, there is no love but God’s … “special” love was never love at all.

    Good night, Sirens.



  327.  #327Zia on July 29, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Erika – YES! I was noticing yesterday how I have a ‘warm heart’ loving feeling towards my boy’s dad. It’s just pure genuine love. Without the drama or any longing (he’s unavailable). But it felt really good to feel it towards him without having any sadness/regret/expectation/hope. Hmmmm this is probably what I should sink into more….



  328.  #328Zia on July 30, 2013 at 12:00 am

    It feels weird and different. Perhaps now is a time of adjustment for me, to get used to this new way of experiencing “love”. Real love. How exciting!



  329.  #329Zia on July 30, 2013 at 12:04 am

    The more often I have these moments of realisation, the more I feel myself trust in the fact that when the timing is right, the right man for me will come into my life. And the less I ask “is it time yet?”



  330.  #330Syreena on July 30, 2013 at 12:07 am

    The way I see it is a label about me is just part of who I am.
    Any one label does not define me as a whole person

    So I am not just a woman, mother, daughter, blonde, selfish, kind, unkind, good, bad, beautiful, ugly, stubborn, persistent, blah blah blah. angry, happy, sad, jelous, hot, not so hot, clever, stupid.
    I am a mixture of all of those things.
    I will not be difined by any one label. I am me I am unique, just like everyone else.
    How beautiful is that even identical twins are unique.

    🙂



  331.  #331Cris on July 30, 2013 at 12:28 am

    thanks Femininewoman (299)! 🙂



  332.  #332Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 1:03 am

    I must remember that the right man will love me knowmatter what. I feel so insecure…



  333.  #333Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 1:12 am

    I don’t feel / think he loves me enough

    He isn’t giving me the right sort of attention

    I am feeling his withdrawl

    I am feeling rejected

    I don’t want to feel like this



  334.  #334Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 1:17 am

    I am feeling insecure and nervous

    I wish the ground would swallow me up when I am with him

    I feel I don’t want to be with him

    It is only going to end in pain and heart ache for me

    I am leaning back, but he leans back further and we are just going back and forward

    I feel like I am dangling…



  335.  #335Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 1:19 am

    I don’t feel good enough for him

    I keep clmparing myself to other women and it is making me feel very insecure

    But he isn’t reassuring me

    He us just leaving me to feel insecure

    What is going wrong?



  336.  #336Cris on July 30, 2013 at 1:21 am

    Toomuch I know this feeling and I always try to feel how I am appreciated by others. And on the other hand I think this feeling is created by our low selfesteem and our bad experiences from the past… don’t let it settle (although I know it is difficult). all the best



  337.  #337Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 1:23 am

    I feel he is only with me because he pities me

    He keeps telling me he loves me but I don’t feel he is massively attracted to me

    What am I going to do?

    I don’t want someone to be with me because they pity me.



  338.  #338Cris on July 30, 2013 at 1:59 am

    know this feeling also but…I ask myself in that case: “would I be with someone just for pity?” and the answer is no, at least not for a long time. come on I wish you all the best it will not be pity for sure…. <3 <3



  339.  #339Indigo on July 30, 2013 at 3:22 am

    ((((Too Much))))

    I would love for you to see that these thoughts and feelings are inside of you, and don’t necessarily have anything to do with him.

    And therefore, they can be healed, changed, let go.

    For me, I would start with the good. Just practice believing him when he says he loves you, without questioning it, analyzing it, even thinking about it if you can.

    Dominique has many wonderful articles that will help you. You could start with pretty much any of her articles. If you click on her name it will take you to her website.



  340.  #340Brenda on July 30, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Ericka awakening-276 thanks for the encouraging words oh I’m new to the site fairly a yr, what does it mean when you write ((((((Brenda))))))) ?



  341.  #341Zara on July 30, 2013 at 4:01 am


  342.  #342miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 5:29 am

    A person can sit and look and ponder and rationalize and theorize and legitimize, even want to euthanize someone thinking they know them or understand how they are or will become or can’t become.. I think it’s crazy if you have a stance like that. For starters a persons observed reactions to pseudo situations and choreographed realms that are put into the mix for what ever reasons can’t answer for the variables. One possibility, you may believe x is like this but actually you are noticing and receiving x as such from a standard that is held inside the preceptors mind, When it is probably something along the lines of(and I beg that you don’t talk like this is a view of insecurity or whateva whateva. But just let it sit a minute with your large intellects. (( no disrespect intended whatsoever)) could be simply this) a person has breakup with some they love and it was , for all purposes something they felt was going in a terrific direction. Even though I pushed aside my normalcy of self expression towards the end because I was told that I had to just deal with the fact that they were skittish and would need me to let them be how they were doing to be and just pull them back in after they went through their routine of coping with their relationship, job, anything emotions. It didn’t make it really difficult but that was the way I was told to be. And I even enjoyed that about them. It was unique and let me feel like I was a part of some feelings of emotion. So over the weeks i was changing into someone that was looking to be a person i remembered before life happened. And coming from that place i was, it was so easy and exciting to have someone i connected with so easy and much. So more than any i let my heart out. At the time of our parting i realize and except that i was insensitive in my comment and the anger i showed after i felt like it was falling apart over something ,not trivial, but not terrible. As the next few days when i would call and we would talk some and text but as much as it was hurting i felt like a message was being sent to not cell because it would be too difficult, I simply didn’t understand that. Not that I’m so irresistible but given the feelings and actions from both of us , yeah I didn’t understand that. So I’ve been here trying to relate and I’ve felt I needed to call a couple times but regardless what they might think I feel toward them because of things I’ve learned about what was happening, I really just feel that I want them to be happy, I love being with them and I live from today forward. Love doesn’t hate it is gentle peaciable and kind. I just know that whatever they are going through I miss them and I would really really like to be there for them. And so as for perception of someone by the masses…. Maybe x was feeling out of their self and trying to figure out a situation that is dramatically effecting themselves. So if that makes for all these thing that they are then so be it. But I’m more relaxed than that, and if something is bothering me just like x I too would not be “normal” . If someone lost a child would u think that you could form an opinion of someone’s behavioral comp. And feel like it was right. Of course not. Well maybe x has lost a child and has lost their family and then is blessed and gets something x feels good about and feels good about giving and feels possibly that it was lost for reasons that couldn’t be explained even though it had been played over in their head. I dont know i dont personally just say ” oh well” when i lose something valuable to me… Maybe it sounds insucre clingy creepy whatever it can feel to others , but i think it’s just liberation lost. And so i dont sound weak, if it were me i am supposed to give off a signal of ohhhhh i am strong i will be ok. Sometimes pain takes a little while to be able to get over, and the more it hurts the more you cared that’s my view anyway. As for my relationship, I’m probably not the ideal mate or the most attractive or the best in bed or the most in tune with my chakras or what not. But there is no thing that thing i am the best at I can feel the way i do about them better than anyome there is. Because i know what my feelings of what they mean to me fell like to me. And i can’t feel good about myself. Be setting and begging to them, to give me a chance or please come back is pointless after the first couple tounds. And because that makes me feel like I’m retarded. But i can say that if they look inside and be honest they know they cared and love me too, and that if they would just stop the opaqueness and the worry and doubt of what isnt perfect and focus on the things that are great and communicate with each other, and breath and remember that yeah we argued a couple times but with everything in perspective and in the open, it is a good thing we have for each other. But if they dont, then i understand that, i dont have to agree but i will understand how they feel and i want to be in tune with their feelings. I really do. I’m not certain of how it will go, but i know i won’t call them because i can’t. Not because i want to be the one in control but because i want to respect their wishes. That’s what it’s about. Trust and respect and understanding. Anyway i just needed to get that out. Love you all. Peace be with ya.



  343.  #343Hana on July 30, 2013 at 5:33 am

    Too much, have you bought Rori’s book yet? If not, I would recommend to start with her book!

    🙂



  344.  #344Hana on July 30, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Thanks Surferchica! You are right, I know so many of those things, I’ve just got to keep reminding myself how much freedom I have right now 🙂 🙂

    Zia, how did you learn to deal with your single motherhood?



  345.  #345Hana on July 30, 2013 at 5:38 am

    oh my gosh, Zia I totally know what you mean. There have been times I felt the same way. I think that’s a state of really being happy either way, dating or not. For me, it was a state of neutralization. Men didn’t really do it for me lol. I think it’s a phase though…



  346.  #346miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Been nice talking with you all. Thanks for the blog. Peace



  347.  #347Hana on July 30, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Dominique thank you so much! Love to you too 🙂

    Sophie, you rock! You and I can probably relate a little now. I will never go on the man’s “Bridge” I’m on my own bridge and it feel so SOOOO damn good. I’ve got my own plans and if someone wants to join me along they are welcome.

    I don’t want Amir anymore, I’ve said goodbye to him over the weekend in my heart, and I don’t really want anything from him or need him to validate anything inside of me. He killed a lot of affection I had for him, and there is no respect left for him on my part. It’s over.

    I feel so fantastic. I also feel like it’s due to the support you lovely ladies give me and one another, I’m so grateful to have found a place to voice my concerns and to learn and grow.

    And, I have a suspicion that the meds are kicking in lol!! I feel like the Hana that I was meant to be. You know, the one that isn’t afraid of this or that, and that is true to herself.

    I was so hesitant to take medication, and have tried so many things, like for at least 15 years. I am very health oriented and also a vegetarian. So, it’s been a struggle. But, now that I have this kick start, it will help me achieve my goals in learning everything that some people have come to learn through the natural stages of maturing from a teenager to an adult that I skipped due to the problems I went through at home.

    It feels also very positive and fresh to not feel like I’m going to sabotage anything.

    xoxoxo



  348.  #348sophie on July 30, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Ok so I have already been contacted and already I feel distressed

    He said there were things he wanted to say to me i agreed so I guess I have already broken my boundary

    I have SO much stuff coming up for me.

    I immediately felt a rush of tension flood through my body; I felt achy ill. I become powerless. I feel helpless. I feel like I want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep. All the things I can do, that I had planned to do with my day go away. I feel overwhelmed. I want to go to bed and I want someone else to do all the things for me. I feel tearful. I don’t know why I feel tearful but I wanted to burst into tears straight away. Because all my equilibrium had gone away.

    I don’t know what all this is.

    I remember the last relationship I was in and he would hit me sideways in the middle of the day with nasty comments by text sometimes even ending the relationship whilst I was at work trying to work. It flt so unstable. So unsafe. I don’t know if I healed from that; probably not and I don’t know if that was just indicative of earlier wounds which are up for healing. It feels horrible to feel so powerless around my emotional world. I am so so sensitive.

    And the ex (and my father) were very critical men I have heard so many horrible things about myself and I don’t want to hear anymore. I literally cannot bare it. And I choose not to believe them but still it bruises and that is part why I live in fear I think. I don’t feel strong enough right now to hear where I am wrong etc etc

    And I have been in this ‘friends’ position before and it lasted over a year and then eventually he said he did have feelings for me and I thought it was ok but it lasted two weeks before he decided that it wasn’t. I survived. I bounced back but all of this takes its toll.

    I feel better for crying. I feel stronger. I will hear what he has to say. I will go easy on myself. I wish I knew how to release the tension from my body. I have to take painkillers it feels so uncomfortable. I meditate and exercise and do what I can do but during times like this is literally leaves me feeling frozen. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do the washing up. I don’t want to do my work. I don’t want to sort my admin. I don’t want. I just want to go to my bed.

    And then I feel that I am pathetic. I am not helpless or powerless but I feel like I am.

    Wow – hugs to me – I hope this is powerful growing



  349.  #349sophie on July 30, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I feel afraid of him. I feel afraid that his words can break me 🙁



  350.  #350Hana on July 30, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Shoot Sophie, you are in a frustrating spot. You are being in the cage. Let yourself free.

    Honey, do you want to be good to yourself or no?

    Stay away.

    Just simply stay away from him, and go do something good for YOU, love YOU. Enough is enough. If he wants you, let him climb mountains to prove it. 🙂

    It can be that simple but it is your choice.

    Love to you honey!



  351.  #351miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Sophie, thanks for sharing, sorry for your pain your feeling and your equilibrium. I’m sure that things will be soothing soon. I really hope you feel better soon, you aren’t helpless and you can overcome because you know you have what it takes to shine. Somewhere you have it im sure of that. Maybe have a pop cycle and a nap and then some coffee… Fildgers is good but … Well I won’t go there … :-). ((hugs)) to ya.



  352.  #352Mercedes on July 30, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Syreena: I was a facilities engineer for a telecommunications company. There are lots and lots of female engineers in telecommunications. I know a great many of them personally and have worked with a lot as well. I completely disagree that most women wouldn’t have the ability to be an engineer. I’m not sure what that ability is that a woman couldn’t do the job. Doesn’t make any sense to me.

    As far as labels, I agree, they must exist. It’s when we drop a lot of people into a bucket and describe characteristics that pertain to all or most of those people that the label loses it’s actual meaning (the name of the job title) and becomes a stereotype. That’s the part of labeling I disagree with. There are plenty of engineers out there who know when it’s appropriate to go into their heads (troubleshooting, cuts, network design, etc) and when to go into their feelings (personal relationships, heart centered issues, etc). When we describe them as one, the label becomes much, much less truthful. “Engineer” is a job title. Not a description of someone’s personality type.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  353.  #353Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 6:30 am

    I think what it boils down to is actions speak louder than words.

    Last night when I was talking he carried on staring straight ahead and did not acknowledge me. This felt painful. Yet it is happening time and time again. Yet he says he loves me. I do not believe him.

    Yet, I keep going back for more. I am allowing myself to be treated like this. I can’t tear myself away from him no matter hiw bad this feels.

    I am not happy, but I stay. I must have really low self esteem to allow myself to be treated like this. Or I am desperate.

    Every time he contacts me I act all happy and chirpy. I am scared to piss him off…

    I have only been with him a few months and we are exclusive. Is this too early to be exclusive? He treats me well but I don’t feel it if that makes sense. I do have Rori’s ebook and I practise her tools – but I don’t think I am seeing the wood fir the tree.

    What shall I do…

    Sirens, any advice would be appreciated…



  354.  #354Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 6:36 am

    ((((((Too much))))

    Your words sound like you are too much in your head.

    I wonder why you chose this screenname?



  355.  #355Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 6:41 am

    “I can’t tear myself away from him no matter hiw bad this feels.”

    Maybe it is because you are thinking about “tearing” yourself away. Any kind of tearing has to be painful.

    How about a babystep to rephrase this thought?



  356.  #356miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 6:42 am

    (too much) I’m sure your self estime is fine, I’m not a sireren so I will avoid the advice. I will say that desperation isn’t always desperation but on occasion with the right situation that feeling can also be willingness to see true intent and not give up on something you believe in. Some can’t understand this view but it’s still a reality . Thanks fir sharing



  357.  #357Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Sophie how about putting your attention in your body just to kind of scan to see what part is frozen?



  358.  #358Hana on July 30, 2013 at 6:45 am

    HEY Miranda! Who says you aren’t a Siren! Girl you totally are. 🙂



  359.  #359Hana on July 30, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Ladies, although I do feel freeir, I also feel anger a little bit leftover for Amir, is this a bad thing? Or is it healthy? Maybe I’m carrying over anger for me for trusting him or putting so much effort. In that case should I forgive me and him ?

    Hmmmm



  360.  #360Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 6:54 am

    FW

    Your words resonate with me.

    I suppose I choose the screen name Too Much because it is stressing me out too much. I am allowing myself to be treated badly too much. It is all too much…

    I feel panicky and scared and I feel I should be handling things so much better than I am.

    How do I get out of my head and into my feelings??

    I feel lost and confused.

    Am I my own worst enemy? Should I just keep away from him??



  361.  #361Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Too much how about starting with talking to yourself?

    What am I feeling right now?

    Put your attention in your body and talk to yourself. I believe you first need to find a way to calm yourself



  362.  #362Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 7:17 am

    FW

    I feel angry, stressed, tense, fearful, stiffness, anxiety..

    Then what do I do?



  363.  #363miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 7:22 am

    ( too much) are you ok? Can’t help but feel your tension. Can I help. Maybe you can touch more on this .. Thanks.:-)



  364.  #364Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 7:25 am

    You have to be patient with yourself. There are no quick fixes for stuff going on inside you.

    Why am I stressed
    Why am I angry
    Why am I fearful
    Why am I anxious

    Ask your heart these questions and wait for an answer to bubble up.

    Remember you didn’t get to where you are now overnight.



  365.  #365Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 7:25 am

    You have to be patient with yourself. There are no quick fixes for stuff going on inside you.

    Why am I stressed
    Why am I angry
    Why am I fearful
    Why am I anxious

    Ask your heart these questions and wait for an answer to bubble up.

    Remember you didn’t get to where you are now overnight.



  366.  #366Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Miranda Faith

    Thank you. I just wish i felt calm and relaxed rather than intense feelings of anxiety, stress and drama…

    Maybe I have a tendency to over dramatise everyting..

    I jusr don’t feel good around him, yet I can’t let him go…

    I feel confused.

    He seems to put me down a lot. Not in a big way, but he just isn’t interested in what I talk about and this makes me feel boring and worthless and I don’t want to feel boring and worthless. I want to be liked for me..

    Oh well, maybe I will try and gently walk away…



  367.  #367Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 8:13 am

    “Bringing an attitude of enthusiasm and curiosity to a date makes sense doesn’t it? And, since the point of dating is to get to know someone, I thought I would share with you some great questions that will add a fun factor and open up the conversation:

    If you could have dinner with 3 people, living or dead, who would you invite & why?
    What are you doing to make the world a better place?
    What’s the best thing you have ever eaten?
    What is your vision for a great relationship?
    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
    What are your favorite guilty pleasures?
    What are a few of the things on your “bucket list?”
    If you were going to save a species… which one would it be and why?
    What was your favorite book or fairytale when you were a child?
    Who is your celebrity crush? (mine is Sting)
    What has been your best ever travel experience?

    Here’s another good reason to bring your enthusiasm and really get to know someone….even if the “date” isn’t your soulmate, he or she might become a friend and ultimately introduce you to your soulmate. This has happened to several people I know.”

    Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

    Arielle



  368.  #368Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Michael Fiore

    “So how do you stay strong and end this thing without dragging your heart over hot and terrible coals?

    By thinking about the awful future you’re going to have if you keep doing what you’re doing now.

    A guy like this isn’t going to get “better” once you get married, he’s going to get worse.”



  369.  #369Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Brianna, the questions to ask yourself are, “What am I trying to control by judging myself for my past choices?” and “What am I trying to avoid feeling right now by judging myself for the past?”

    Focusing on past mistakes and judging yourself for them is an addictive process that your ego wounded self has learned to do to avoid present feelings and to attempt to have control over not making the same mistake again. However, judging yourself doesn’t lead to any new learning – it just keeps you stuck.

    What do you need to learn from the choices you made? There are good reasons you made those choices – your fears and beliefs – and this is what needs exploring.

    The telling statement here is “I still feel terrible that I couldn’t figure out how to make him love me.” This indicates that you are operating from a major false belief that says, “I can control whether or not someone loves me. If I do it right, then I can make him love me.”

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3597/why-cant-i-forgive-myself-for-my-mistakes.html



  370.  #370seahorse on July 30, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Too Much- Sweet lady the first is to breathe. I found that when I get feeling like that, I stop everything in my head……………….. drop all thoughts and BREATHE deep into my womb. Let all the muscles relax down deep in your womb and breathe into your womb. It hepls stop the crazy making chemicals in your brain. Breathing is where I begin to bring it all back to me…………….. I do hope this helps. FEELING all our feelings and loving them is the way to move ourselves INTO loving what is. And you know what? It’s all okay, it really really is. Breathe deep Too Much and maybe you will feel some release. Hugs to you and Welcome;)



  371.  #371miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 9:46 am

    FW I don’t see a post from Brianna…



  372.  #372seahorse on July 30, 2013 at 9:57 am

    In reading Fw questions for a date I answered some myself…………… Dinner with three people living or dead………….. Socrates, Christopher Moore and Mae West……………….. Language would not be a problem and we have a tapas style dinner and champagne. There would be a fireplace and the chairs would be luxurious………….. more of an arm chair and very plump with small pillows so you could put your feet up and get squishy and enjoy the convos………….. Thank you



  373.  #373Hana on July 30, 2013 at 10:19 am

    I fear that I will never let someone in again. Do we get over these things eventually? Is it something that keeps us stuck in endless cynicism?



  374.  #374Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Hana you get to decide.



  375.  #375Starbright on July 30, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Aw, (((Brenda)))…() = hugs!

    Again, the book: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl would be excellent reading for you right now. This book will give you examples of this behavior and I found it so amazing in providing strength to move on from an unavailable man.

    Not sure what is left for you with this guy. It is a pattern that keeps cycling. When will you choose you?

    And, could have made more sense to dump the guy and keep your friend when you found out there was another woman pregnant from him. Friends don’t always know what to do when they find out bad things and as it turned out he’s the one still in your life rather than her.

    Your needs and feelings are not being addressed by him and you are the only one who can do that.

    As I and others have said, if you change your locks and put his stuff out, and tell your kids not to let him in your house…you can move on.

    I remember Oprah talking about how once when she was dumped she was on the floor holding onto the the guy’s ankles as he was walking out on her and was then dragged across the floor. Afterwards she said she would never do that behavior again.

    You deserve to be treated by others in a much better way. You deserve to treat yourself in a much better way!

    Is there a spiritual center, a professional organization, a class, somewhere you can go to fill yourself up and meet others that have nothing to do with this man?



  376.  #376Hana on July 30, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Yes, this is true FW, however I feel like it’s not enough to just trust myself and to love myself enough so that I cannot be dissapointed. Time, and more healing and learning. I suppose it will get easier…



  377.  #377Hana on July 30, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Any tools for getting rid of Anger?



  378.  #378Hana on July 30, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I was always subconciously finding ways to cover the anger and resentment and hurt by doing compulsive things. Now that I’m dealing with these angry feelings upfront, I feel ver un comfortable and fear it because it feels way too foreign. 🙁



  379.  #379Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:49 am

    318 in California we have many many women engineers. It’s not so rare here. :-))

    332 yes! I love that you reminded me if this…
    😀



  380.  #380Hana on July 30, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I feel a preferance for being vulnerable rather than angry! Lol, buuuut, there must be a balance of all these feelings…



  381.  #381April Rose on July 30, 2013 at 11:11 am

    seahorse…
    “FEELING all our feelings and loving them is the way to move ourselves INTO loving what is.”

    I read this and I feel “yes. what is, is. What is not, is not”

    Loving what is (accepting crumbs from a man with depression) means giving thanks for him and our situation. It is teaching me to value myself and keep my options open.



  382.  #382Too Much on July 30, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Seahorse

    Thank you

    What lovely words. I feel soothed a bit.

    I feel frightened. I am analysing everything. Every look he gives. Every word he says. It is driving me mad.

    I keep worrying. I feel confused..



  383.  #383Indigo on July 30, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Hana,

    For my part, I feel that anger is a beautiful emotion.

    It’s very honourable. It leaps up to defend us or someone else when someone has crossed a boundary.

    I don’t like to think of “getting rid” of my anger; I like to think of letting it go once I’ve heard its message and told it I am in control.

    Releasing areas of tension in your body has been for me a FABULOUS way of reducing anger in my life.



  384.  #384Hana on July 30, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Indigo, thank you for that. I believe that is true. I feel much stronger for allowing this feeling to be. I just feel guilty for saying hurtful things to A. But I held so much of my resentment and always pretended like things were ok. Ahhh…it is done. I have to move on and learn to set new boundaries in a relationship so it doesn’t go that far again. It’s just so hard coming to terms that you made a mistake, you must forgive yourself. I must forgive myself and move forward. I don’t want to give up on my dreams and my possible new relationship. I learned what I had to from him, now it’s time to go ahead.

    Xoxoxo



  385.  #385Indigo on July 30, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Hana,

    Just one more thing, anger can be turned toward the self in the form of guilt or shame, and I don’t believe that’s always a bad thing, because it can tell us where we need to apologise or make it right if we have hurt someone.

    Once you’ve done this though, yes forgive yourself and let it go, whatever it is.

    hugs



  386.  #386Hana on July 30, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Thank you Indigo. Have you ever told a man off so much, using purposeful words that you knew would hurt their pride and masculinity? Lol ..sigh… Aaargh. I pulled a DH lawrence, he used to use these kind of exact criticism catering to his victims most sensitive areas. I don’t feel that guilty because I genuinly still feel dissapointment and hurt over his behaviour towards me. I feel guilty because I let him treat me that way so long.
    But, I’m learning now, so time will shape things up.

    Definetly need to go Salsa tonight!!! Let it allll out. OMG, hope and pray he doesn’t come, I need space to let it loose. Free country though hehe… Anyone care to join me for dancing? It’s been my best therapy, and it’s so darn sexy!

    Love xoxo



  387.  #387miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Dancing sounds fun… what kind of dancing? Might be good for the heels.:)



  388.  #388miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Salsa.oh I see now



  389.  #389Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Have I messed up using feeling messages?

    Dated a man, and then he went away to another city for a year. He will be back, so I did not see it as forever long distance.

    He wrote, regularly and said he wanted to stay in touch. I felt happy and had enjoyed his emails sometimes, and sometimed felt bored, and said I needed to meet.
    He said he would when it all became possible when he was back.
    And responded I was feeling lost writing emails, and feeling hazy about how it felt when we were dating. That is what I was feeling then- a kind of penpally feeling, and I expressed it.
    He stopped writing after that. I am now visiting his current city on work, and feeling embarassed to initiate contact after he did not reply. Should I? or should I just let it be.

    I kind of also miss not being clued in to his life. Somehow, staying in touch was building a kind of trust, of two people making the effort to stay in touch till he would be back. that was nice.

    Ohh, man- feelings come and it feels wonderful to speak them, and then they change, and shift, and I feel confused. from one feeling to another…

    For sure, I am CDing.



  390.  #390Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Tip of the Day: Remember, a man always knows that he stopped calling you. No matter what a man says, he knows that the man is the pursuer when he really wants the woman badly enough. Some men hope you don’t really know that. There’s still hope for these men. It’s up to you to “train” them… charmingly! Otherwise, you’ll be just like all the other girls.

    Hey Beautiful,

    If you’re a regular reader of these emails, please see the P.S. for a personal update.

    When you’ve fallen “in love” (or thought you have) a few times, you notice certain tell-tale signs and feelings.

    One of them is that delicious desire to give, give, give. It’s tough when HE is in love with YOU, and you’re not in love with him. You know you’re not in love, because you have no desire to GIVE. HE’s doing all the giving, and the more he gives, the colder you feel. Not fun, is it?

    We’d rather have that feeling of wanting to give. We’d like to get creative, thinking of ways to do things for him, or to surprise him.

    But sometimes, it’s not such a pure feeling – not when what someone calls LOVE is actually trying to fill a void in their life. You want to give to him, and hope you’ll inspire him to love you back. What if he doesn’t love you back? Do you feel some resentment creeping in about all that you’ve been “giving” to him? If so, then it wasn’t really “giving” in the purest sense. Maybe it was “giving in order to get” or “giving in the hopes of getting.”

    That feeling is a signal to you that you can stop all that effort! In fact, just stop analyzing the whole thing completely. You really don’t have to figure it all out right now. The less you worry, the better things will be, no matter what happens.

    Giving too much sends the message that you think your company is not enough. If you’re good company, then your company is more than enough.

    Men know this truth – that being with you is your greatest gift to a man. You do not need to keep giving and giving endlessly to somehow make up for something that’s lacking.

    That is why working on yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself AND your man.

    Being with you is your greatest gift! Be confident in this and let that confidence show, in a warm and kind way. Men will respond to this glow in you.

    Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!

    With love,
    Mimi Tanner



  391.  #391Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Sunflower how long ago was that?



  392.  #392Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    8 weeks- the deadline I guess for a man to respond.



  393.  #393Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    did I write a dead end letter though, i wonder. I was merely expressing feelings I thought..:(



  394.  #394Turquoise on July 30, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Hi Sirens….. still working on yard renovations, almost done with the pool and deck…. cannot wait. I wish I had some romantic news to share, but nothing… not even anyone sparking my interest online. Maybe I’m too preoccupied…. I know my energy isn’t going there at all. I am very excited to share that I have discovered (not that my hill is able to be climbed) that I have an amazing view of the valley and it’s going to be a wonderful meditation spot. I am really thrilled… that right in my backyard, I’ll have this available to me.

    I hope everyone here is doing well, I’m going to try and catch up quickly. Hugs!



  395.  #395Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    “”I like Salsa dancing”

    vs how THIS feels…

    “I love all kinds of music, but when I hear salsa, nothing in the world can stop my hips from swaying, my heart from singing, and my hands from reaching out for a man who can feel the music too. If you haven’t yet tried Salsa, don’t worry. Come join me – we’ll get into the groove together!”

    Here, we create an INVITATION to a man into feeling how YOUR body moves.

    It’s very sensual, and as a man, I get the tingly suspicion that she is probably an exciting lover.

    This is good in the dance of attraction.

    The extra bonus of this paragraph is that some men might WANT to dance salsa but are timid about it, because they don’t know how, yet. A warm, encouraging invitation from a woman is all he needs – and she provided it.

    INVITE men into the glory and music and lusciousness of who you are, however you express those qualities in your life.”

    Adam Gilad



  396.  #396Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Sunflower it is quote unquote the length of time a man takes to be really missing you. I guess he was following your lead. You indicated you were unhappy with the emails so he stopped. Maybe if you reach out to him you might be surprised. It wouldn’t overanalyze it if I felt like calling, especially seeing you didn’t deliberately make the trip hoping to see him.



  397.  #397Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Thankyou Femininewoman. hmmm, i will reach out.
    :). I just feel embarassed, like I am being contradictory with my feelings-



  398.  #398Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Sunflower I don’t understand?



  399.  #399Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Femininewoman,
    there was this feeling of boredom at one point emailing, and then it passed, and I feel I miss being in touch.
    And I kind of derailed contact, and then back to initiating…but you maybe right- I am over analysing. I tend to do that.



  400.  #400Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I guess that is being in my head, rather than my heart.



  401.  #401Frustrated and Isolated on July 30, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Rory….I’ve never been the desperate type…I don’t constantly overflood him with emails or texts and show up at his house…I don’t so stuff like that, but yet every so often he still pulls away…We’ve dated for 8 months, the last two of which have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

    My problem with him is that I was always last, meaning I’d be put off until the last minute after he’s done everything else. It never started that way, but as he got “comfortable”, I started to notice that type of behavior. We also dated 5 years ago, and re-kindled. The breakup at the time was due to an ex of his who was dying of breast cancer, whose children he raised, and they needed him. He didnt want to involve me, so I respected that and walked away.

    About two months ago, I took a stand by not responding to one of his late night excuses about why he didnt show up earlier. The next day when I saw he’d text with a message that said, “Are you mad at me?” I repsonded and asked “Why would I be mad at you?” Ever since then, I’ve gotten the cold shoulder treatment…We didnt argue about the issue, it was a discussion, part phone, part email along the lines of how I respect his schedule but we have to make time for what matters. There was no ranting or raving, screaming or emotional outbursts… I simply said what was on my mind…

    After that, I didn’t hear from him for a over a week later, then he turned it around like I was the one who wasn’t making contact?! Ever since then, when he’s initiated contact, its more along the lines of checking on me to see how I’m doing, like we’re buddies and general chit-chat. He’s downplayed the relationship from what it was…I’m frustrated because I dont want to push him further away by asking whats wrong, or else that may be seen as needy! Nor can I demand an explanation for his behavior.I gave him space hoping he’d come to me to say whats wrong but he hasn’t. Another trait of his is when he doesnt want to talk about something, he’ll saty away until he thinks things have cooled down and then act as if nothing happened…Juvenile, yes, but he and other men I’ve known do it! I prefer to get stuff out in the open, resolve it and move on..Also, in recent weeks when I’ve talked about getting together, he brushes me off because he knows a date will prompt discussion so this is his way of avoiding it.If I phone him or text him he answers right away, or will call me back soon after as if he’s patronizing me. He said he’s not cheating on me, I have no choice other than to take him at his word until proven otherwise because we don’t live together and I’m not about to start driving by his house or start following him. I’m at my wits end and I’m ready to tell him where to go, but I don’t want to lose him…Sounds like a lot of work right? I love him, don’t want to lose him, and to start all over again with someone else at 50, its just too cumbersome…I also have a teenage daughter that I know if he and I lived together or marry, he’d be a great father figure..Finding that level of trust with my daughter in a new person is something I don;t want to go through again…Which of your workshops do you recommend for this ordeal!?



  402.  #402miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Sunflower ..
    Speaking of the heart I agree, what I am trying to look at is the reality of having a person you loved at an early age disappearing from your life for whatever the reasons were and seeing them every three or four years and finally when you see there’s a chance for a possible connection and all of your childhood hopes (early adult life) coming full circle, to hope the love is still there or what ever. And your feelings come rushing out from a real place and it seeming to just crumble again. It doesn’t stop that care or raw emotion that was there. Then after that meeting someone else and loving them and wanting them and expressing such,,,patiently waiting but final standing tall and firm. Then running across and old picture or note or field or road and it remind you of the young love, would it be wrong to out of the blue contacting them casually to say you were reminded of them and wanted to say hello and hope your doing well? Trying to see if this is an honest action. Comments please…



  403.  #403April Rose on July 30, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Asking for help here with a script…
    to say to a man who is clinically depressed and not coming towards me (in fact, hiding away – we live together)

    “I appreciate you’re not feeling so good. I don’t want to put pressure on you to be a certain way with me, and so I’m going to go away for a few days and spend time in my hometown with my friends. What do you think?”



  404.  #404miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Personally my ultimate goal is to be happy and experience a love of a lifetime. I’m really trying t poo grasp this concept NC because it eludes me at times. If I were to express “don’t contact me” and that person had the qualities I wanted but needed I guess more or if l needed more or time I see that, but at the same time it feels like torture. I mean if I’m hungry II can deal with the hunger better if I didn’t have my favorite meal taken away mid bite .. (I.e.) cheesecake. … hmmm interesting .. I don’t think I would think that if I did NC that I would say that person showed me all I needed to know and to have a good one. Lol. Or would I? Have I? There’s my answer… it’s a paradox it seems. Wow these are some heavy feelings and at the same time it seems so unbelievable to have such sparks fly in this blog. Wow… bravo…



  405.  #405Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Does anyone happen to have a Louise Hay “Heal Your Life” book and might not mind telling me what Psoas pain means? Just curious, I can’t find it on the internet.

    Thanks!!!

    OXOXOX



  406.  #406Wildgeranium on July 30, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Lisa,

    hip/lower back pain? psoas muscles are in the hip and lower back.
    Perhaps it refers to carrying a lot on your back?

    XO



  407.  #407Daria on July 30, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    hmm i might have genital herpes now … i feel love for myself

    i feel excited to cure it if i do have it or boost my immunity anyway

    i feel curious to get some blood tests



  408.  #408miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    psaos is a leading cause for back pain lisa said to point ur feet to the ceilind laying on your back.



  409.  #409miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Roy D Mercer…. By God..



  410.  #410Daria on July 30, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    but it might not be that

    im feeling kinda buoyed with happiness lol maybe im in shock or maybe i just feel happy



  411.  #411Daria on July 30, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    im probably actualy Healing any latent viruses in my body



  412.  #412sophie on July 30, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you for the kind words Miranda

    And Hana allow him to walk over mountains for you = I loved that it resonated

    FW “Sophie how about putting your attention in your body just to kind of scan to see what part is frozen?” this feels huge – the frozen feeling is quiet familiar to me not just as per earlier I need to really delve into this…

    I cried a lot earlier – he wasn’t being mean – he was saying that he doesn’t want to lose me and that he misses me when i’m not there and that he was prepared to put a time limit on himself to step up or walk away…now that’s a curious state of affairs…

    when i asked him if he knew what i needed from a man he gave me a big long very accurate list i felt impressed

    i told him that i wanted to swim in the ocean but it felt like we were swimming in a paddling pool – he understood that and he liked it

    i feel completely exhausted but tomorrow is going to be a peaceful day

    night all thank you for being here i feel quite done in by my own rollercoaster emotional world right now xx



  413.  #413Rori Raye on July 30, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Frustrated – Please start with the ebook, then get the Complete Collection – everything will help you – from Circular Dating to Feeling Messages – and it IS worth it to start dating as many men who ask you NOW!!! This minute!!! Love, Rori



  414.  #414Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    @Wildgeranium Thanks! Yes, that for sure… !!!!

    I wasn’t sure what Louise Hay said was the main issue like thighs is “fear of moving forward”

    @MirandaFaith Thanks! I will do that tonight during yoga…

    I read something about “bending over backwards” in relationships ( which is true for me) and though I wasn’t sure if it was actually what Louise Hay’s book said…

    Thanks so much!!!

    OXOXOX



  415.  #415LoveAlways on July 30, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . Smile (stopped him right in his tracks! Siren moment – priceless!



  416.  #416LoveAlways on July 30, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    163 Erica Awakening
    thank you for telling me about roris reconnect program. I am going to order it 😀



  417.  #417prplpsn28 on July 30, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Have been really busy the last couple of days. Trying to catch up on the posts.

    Dominique – 286 – H is an engineer also and there are times when I can actually sit there and look at him and know that he’s “formulating” a response in his head.

    298 – This is a huge question for me. How can one possibly tell the difference between intuition and gremlin voices?



  418.  #418Daria on July 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    people said i couldnt’ heal my deformed from pointy shoes feet and i did that… 🙂

    and all is possilbw



  419.  #419Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    I’m noticing that, uneasy feeling when “L” called ( I was at the gym) and I thought humm is this anxious feeling?… than I waited and then I smiled NO it’s excited feeling… and though they can feel the same, I don’t think that they are…

    I wonder though if men might think that they are the same energy… he calls and I feel excited to call back, but I can’t b/c I have dinner to do and child to put to bed…

    just noticing the difference in the way I feel around someone I’m more attracted and have common athletic interests in “L” (which I’ve never dated anyone that lifts weights and climbs, bikes, hikes…) to versus someone I’m not, yet that I have interests in a cerebral way with “A”…

    I have tended to attract men that are more lazy in their ways… ( not labeling just explaining) and that I’ve really never dated anyone with as much physical activity as me or more than me….

    I called him back 2hrs after he called…he did not answer.. I left a brief message, fun and short message.

    We’ll see… though I have to say, I’m still sad…and still grieving… yet I’m not sure I’d want to go back to HARD and struggling with someone that avoids intimacy that much.. that feels hard and work and struggle… at least for now…

    “L” has kept in constant contact since the very beginning… and that feels good… to not have to be concerned about contact… the same with “A” constant contact… this feels good… this feel better than work… this feels easy…

    I like easy… I’m wanting to get to know easy better…

    OXOXO



  420.  #420Syreena on July 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    I hear what you are saying Mercedes in your case which is rare.
    This doesn’t change that
    Engineering is mainly male orionatated. And still the most unrepresented profession for women though.
    Also that in Canada and USA where there are more flexible entry requirements to study Engineeering that there would be a higher percentage although still low.



  421.  #421Daria on July 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    if anyone else wants to heal their herpes forever… im researching this…

    im feeling really good vibes from these medicine people:

    http://www.isthereaherpescure.com/buynow.htm



  422.  #422Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    @Daria

    There are lots of alternative cures… no alapathic that I’ve heard of….

    Try “blood root” or “Poke berry” in google – research it and also there is a sight that works with the 12 etheric bodies that has cured many… I can’t remember the name of it… keep searching you’ll find it..

    I don’t have it, so I don’t know if it works for sure… but I do research on natural cures… so I’ve read lots and lots on it…

    good luck

    OXOXOX



  423.  #423Zia on July 30, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    344 Hana: I’ve been a single mother since 4 months pregnant….. aside from the couple of months in Dec/Jan when my most recent ex moved in. It’s pretty much all I know…. What are you struggling with, maybe I can help? xo



  424.  #424Zia on July 30, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    There are a couple of last things my ex left at my house that he was going to pick up but never did…. I don’t want to contact him to ask him again to collect them so tomorrow I’m going to mail them to him, and then that’s it – the last “tie” has been cut. I KNOW a part of me kept them because it gave an excuse to maybe hear from him again, but I’m really truly ready to let go now. With love 🙂



  425.  #425Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Hi Zara yes I did express to him that I feel open to see him and also that I was feeling happy to hear from him…
    then I told him I don’t want to drive to his house when he asked me.
    He then offered to pick me up and go to his house, but I said I would do that once I get to know him maybe…
    and I haven’t heard back since…
    Also I feel a lil let down that he didn’t ask me on a proper “date”…
    He is not “slick” or a player at all, so it seems…so maybe he just doesn’t know??
    Do I have to spell it out for him? It’s starting to feel “difficult” just to make a plan that I feel comfortable with. 🙁
    Not what I was expecting at all. I don’t want to go to his house and just end up having sex. I do feel attraction but that’s not what I want right now I want to feel taken care of and cherished first…and we are not at that point, I barely know the guy. I don’t “need” the sex that bad…



  426.  #426Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Tereana it sounds interesting and exciting that you are moving to a new city…following your dreams.
    I feel that change is good and it can make you realize things about yourself that you never knew…
    I have felt that way when I change my environment, it gives me a fresh look on myself somehow.

    I used to even get that feeling when going on vacation…but I haven’t had a ‘real’ vacation in so long…



  427.  #427Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    in 425 I’m talking about NatureCD…
    I haven’t heard back from him still and it’s not like him, he usually replies quickly. I don’t know maybe he is not right for me it’s not meant to be…I feel sad though cuz I do like him alot and enjoyed his company…
    He seemed pretty promising; smart, kind, cute, fun, easy to talk to…
    I don’t know maybe i shouldn’t give up hope yet…



  428.  #428prplpsn28 on July 30, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Feeling frustrated and anxious….aaarrrgh!



  429.  #429Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    My my my prplpsn



  430.  #430miranda faith on July 30, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    It feels good to remember one’s self…; )



  431.  #431Femininewoman on July 30, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    April Rose why would you ask him “what do you think”? It feels like a kid asking a parent for permission to go outside and play. Is it something you want to do or want to negotiate?



  432.  #432Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I feel tempted to follow up with natureCD bu not going to. Sometimes it’s hard to talk on text



  433.  #433Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Hi Emerson!

    I’ve been following your thing with NatureCD a bit…that does sound disappointing. Have you gone on a “proper” date with him in the past?

    It sounds like you’ve spent some time together…



  434.  #434Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Also, just because you go to his house, doesn’t mean that you *have* to have sex. You can keep your boundaries, and leave, if things get too “involved.” He’ll respect that, if you do. Or he should.

    And, you don’t have to go. He’s a guy. He’s probably feeling lazy. But, if he just moved, he is probably wanting to show off his new place, and see you look impressed. As a guy, I can imagine that he would want that. He may feel disappointed that you didn’t want to see his new place…

    Not trying to say there’s anything wrong with how you’re feeling, just trying to look at it from another angle. We often have different priorities with guys. And men like to show off their “stuff.” It makes them feel manly. It’s like those pidgeons that puff our their chests and walk about the females. Or imagine muscle-y guys in sports cars. We might roll our eyes, but they are honestly trying to impress us. They hope some girl will see them and like it. And it might not be as obvious as a guy in a sports car.

    But the fact that he just moved says that his invitation is more about him showing off for you than it is about expecting sex…. and that’s one interpretation



  435.  #435Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Emerson, are you in Cali, too? I didn’t realize!

    I’m on the east coast for the summer. But in the fall I’m headed back out west…



  436.  #436prplpsn28 on July 30, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    I’m done with this blog. Adios



  437.  #437Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Ah I’m now allowing myself to feel sad about natureCD. Still no reply and now I have “waiting by the phone” syndrome…

    I realized I started dreaming and crafting a possible future reality for us that was just my imagination.

    I intend to read some good books this weekend and spend some time by myself to get my mind off this.

    My other CDs have poofed and dried up… I only have one other that is a possibility and he has not firmed up plans with me … In the meantime gonna focus on ME



  438.  #438Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    434 yes I see what you’re saying and I agree about the boundaries. Just that I feel very turned on by him and would probably have sex I don’t know if I can control myself lol…
    And I want to know him better first.

    Yes I’m in Cali 🙂



  439.  #439Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    I feel tempted to “follow up” with CCB/PKL, too. I’ve been thinking about it every since I sent the first email last friday. Because I was worried that it came off too creepy, like – “Oh, we just met, now I’m going to move to your city.” And he’ll be like, “this lady is nuts. Who does she think she is?” But it’s not like that…

    In fact, I was telling my friend just last night, if I never see this guy again, it’s okay. Because maybe the whole point was that I got to go there, and to see it, and to like it. And now it’s changing my life and putting me in a whole new direction, and I”m getting excited about it!

    Yes, it is anxiety producing not to hear back. I kind of wish that I would.

    But on the other hand, it’s not the end of the world.

    I’m pretty sure that I would only feel more anxiety if I wrote to him again. That would make it worse. AND, my whole message would be about “explaining” myself. And I don’t really need to do that.

    All I need to do is go ahead and keep doing what I’m doing right now, and go where I need to be.

    Stuff will fall into place.

    Anyway, I’ve got family things to deal with right now.

    Truth be told, I had considered actually just hanging out in his city all summer. But I didn’t know if I’d be able to find a job. I have two jobs out here on the east coast, and I get to spend time with my grandparents. It’s important, because now we don’t know how much time we have left. They’re not very sick or anything, just getting older.

    I love my grandparents. It’s tough, but I know this is where I should be right now.

    And now I can look forward to Chicago for next year!!

    I may not always be able to wait for sex. But, in general, I do prefer to delay gratification. I’ve always been a fan of “saving the best for last.” You can savor the anticipation and build the excitement, and in the end, it leaves this wonderful flavor on your tongue, or a happy buzz all through your body…

    But, like you, Emerson, I think I am guilty of also assuming that guys are just into sex and that’s all they want. Like a one-track mind and they don’t care about the rest.

    I don’t know where that comes from, since, intellectually, I know that many guys would disagree with me. But I haven’t FELT it. Or — that’s not true. I did feel it. Once. And that guy proposed to me. And it scared the sh*t out of me. And I basically ran screaming. Well, it was a little more drawn out than that. Maybe I don’t WANT to believe that men want more than just sex. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who is just interested in sex right now.

    It’s weird. I think there’s this thing that happens to women when they reach early thirties. If they’re single, they/we might think that we want a relationship. But I had a friend, a while back, who would say that she just wanted to get laid. And I get that sensation. Because I don’t always want the “stuff” that comes with a relationship. I like the simplicity and the fun of a sexual encounter that isn’t “about” something else. (It just has to be serious enough for me that it’s not totally random or casual).

    Yeah, sex is better when you’re in love.

    Maybe that’s the part I’m saving until last…..



  440.  #440Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    I wrote myself a letter tonight that I wanted to hear from “M” and it felt good to say it to ME….. tears rolled down my face as I wrote what i wanted to hear… so I said it to ME…..

    It feels good to hear from me too! I love me… I would and have moved mountains for ME… I’m important to me… I’ve stood by me and protected me… and loved me.. I buy me flowers.. I remember what are my favorite color, and I buy them for me… b/c I’m worth it..

    I think your worth the effort Lisa…. I want you to know your my baby! and I love you!

    this feels good…

    maybe I should just marry me and be done with dating… LOL!

    Love me
    OXOXO



  441.  #441Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Emerson – Lol! I mean about the boundaries and being turned on… 🙂

    What about this… what if you did follow up and got super vulnerable and told him about that? I mean, that would be the honest truth, right? What if you just told him, like, “Hey, the real reason I don’t want to go to your place right now is that I feel super turned on and attracted by you, but I don’t feel ready to have sex. I want to know you better first.”

    I wonder how he’d respond to that?

    I’m not a guy, but if I were, I think I would have mad respect if a woman told me that…plus, you’re telling him that you feel attracted, which is true. And guys like to know they are attractive.

    What do you think?



  442.  #442Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    what happened to prplpsn?



  443.  #443Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    @Lisa – there is a whole Marry Yourself Community on Facebook!!!

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/225378857594310/



  444.  #444Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    p.s., Emerson, he might not respond right away. But I can imagine that if he did respond to something like that, it would be pretty good…potentially.

    And if it’s not, then you know you can move on : )

    xo

    which part of the state are you in? I live in the bay area



  445.  #445Tereana on July 30, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    If you feel sad, paint your toenails!! : )



  446.  #446Lisa on July 30, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    @Tereana

    NO way really?

    That’s sad huh? I have to marry myself… that feels sad and yet true…

    I’ve given myself all the things I want from a man… that I can give myself.. Rori says love yourself… I do I have for all these years, else I wouldn’t be here now… I’ve stood by myself through all of it! No matter how hard and how terrible it has been…. I did!

    I didn’t end my life, I saved it!! I’ve worked hard for me… so I know I’m worth the effort… and I know I’m an amazing person, mother and lover / partner.. I just can’t find a man that thinks so, so much that he can’t let me go….

    I’ll check out the facebook page…

    Thanks!
    OXOXO



  447.  #447Brenda on July 30, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Starbright-375 I have read both those books during my 3 mths of Nc.I felt empowered and thought I was strong enough to give him his last conversation he had been begging me about,which turned out to be him blowing smoke signals. Well yesterday I used a speech message. I said I think your a wonderful man but,I am not capable of being the kind of friend you want me to be,I tried but I can’t I have needs and I see you are not able to accommodate and I understand you have so much going on right now,so I think its better if you gather your things and leave my keys. Maybe I worded it wrong?I am still struggling with my emotions and how to express with coming off as angry and desperate. I know with him its not a chance to turn this around but I wouldn’t want to bring this down the line to someone else.I also was wondering if its just that he triggers me so much and I can’t hold my composure? Its so hard to do with him so I legitimize his accusations that I am crazy and angry and that’s why he can’t be around me for too long.So I wonder if it would be hard in general? like Rori just stated that desperate is a smell and it not only shows with a man but in all relationships. When I got off work he was at my place and he gave my keys and took his bags.he said he knows when he’s not welcomed and I don’t even appreciate him.He left and didn’t say anything.I suppose when the ride is over people usually don’t put up a fuss about getting off especially if they no longer get a thrill and its no longer fun so they figure its no purpose to keep on getting on the same ride. But what happened next was more reason for him to say yeah she’s nuts.I called him and he answered and I asked him why did he continue to lie to me and it seems as though he cares about everyone else but me.He said he just forgets sometimes and i don’t remind him and I said all you care about is work and sex and he said well you wanted me gone so I’m gone. I called him not too much out of anger because I was at peace because he gave me my keys.Only once out of 7 yrs I asked for keys and got them back.But I called him out of stupidity,frustration and really a mind game thinking he would feel bad and at least apologize.He is who he is and he’s entitled to want what he wants and if that’s not me I I have to move on. I have never been so up and down with a man that I really wasn’t interested in.Its always the ones I’m crazy about and they are usually involved with several women.This has happened to me 3 times in life.Each time I always acted out of anger,frustration and hurt when I was involved with the kind of man like my x.I never felt secure or loved.I had a 1yr relationships were I felt like myself happy fun sexy and the man I kept around for 2 yrs but I felt he was boring,how crazy was I looking back he was catch and I could see myself with a guy like him.I can’t recall times when I felt bitter,angry or unsure of our relationship together.I ended it with him to be back with x. If I let those type of guys trigger me that’s something I need major prayer and working on.Also maybe its not a certain type of guy what they call player or something,or alpha male because x is so fine he looks a Lil like halley berry’s husband when he played din unfaithful.X also has a lot of women who adore him.Maybe its just me,maybe its that he’s entitled to want to live and be how he wants to and maybe it is someone he loves,holds kisses her,spends times holidays,because on mothers day he stayed with me for an 2hrs and left.I guess he figure if I was ok with what he was offering me why not swing by have sex some food and go back off to the person your promising to have a future with so i can’t hate him.My next step is my thoughts and actions making me happy.



  448.  #448Wildgeranium on July 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Brenda,

    You say you’ve repeated this scenario several times. This may be too personal a question, but, what kind of relationship did you have with your parents growing up? Is there anything in your childhood that resembles this pattern?

    XO



  449.  #449Daria on July 30, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    i love you Daria and I’m by your side for real



  450.  #450Sunflower on July 30, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Miranda faith @401.

    It is interesting what you write. I don’t know miranda, somehow I have not been able to relate to men who I fell in love with at an early age. We just grew very different, and had not much to say later. The feelings disappeared in me.



  451.  #451Daria on July 30, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    thanks Lisa! I feel happy and acknowledged to read your post to me 🙂

    i feel really happy about the link above… i feel ahppy about natural healing 🙂

    i feel chill about this and totally able to handle it (nice)

    i feel curious about the things you mentioned and think i did run inot something that does the curing from “all of your bodies” i think it was curedrive



  452.  #452Indigo on July 30, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    Lisa 440,

    This feels so beautiful!

    I don’t know, when I reached this realisation, that I have always loved and been there for myself, it felt like relief! Because it meant I could stop requiring so much of others and stop holding them to a standard they could never meet, they could be the complement to my life rather than the rock, because I am my rock!

    Love to you,



  453.  #453Indigo on July 30, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    April Rose 403

    Hmm… This script seems to be all about him. And I can feel your concern for him, but what about you? What do you feel? Is going away for a few days because you imagine it will be more comfortable to him what you want?

    Hugs lovely siren



  454.  #454Daria on July 30, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    thank you Daria nd God



  455.  #455Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    I feel I’ve been neglecting myself.what can I do to care for me? I can start with not associating with toxic people.



  456.  #456Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Thanks tereana I like your suggestion of what to say to him. But now I’ve sent two texts with no reply from him so I don’t want to keep texting. It maybe I should. I dunno.



  457.  #457Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    I know men don’t just want sex. I dont know why but i was feeling so in need of sex last month when I met him and I considered just doing it with him but then I found out he was still living with ex.
    Since then the engines have cooled and I don’t feel so sexually needy…
    Spent some time with RecycledCD so that helped..



  458.  #458Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Hi Daria!



  459.  #459Emerson on July 30, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Spamming the blog lol… Anyway I know men want more than we but I know how the desire can be so strong and they really need it…that’s why I mentioned how I felt last month…so I can’t fault them for trying … Now I want to spend time with someone and feel cozy and romantic and THEN I’m sure I will be in the mood. I want to feel cared for, that’s so important to me!



  460.  #460Mary on July 30, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    I’ve dated Jason for nearly two years. He recently finalized a divorced process that dragged on since his ex cheated on him and split nearly four years before that. We started out as friends and then fell hard for one another. In a few months, I fell deeply in love, but he decided he wasn’t ready for anything serious at all. I have over-functioned like crazy, helping him with his kids (he has part-time custody), the house, etc. We remained friends and saw one another almost daily. When I began a relationship with an old friend, he panicked and wanted me back, said he loved me, and wanted a committed relationship. I felt surprised and angry at his sudden realization and the timing of it. I also felt at a loss because it didn’t feel fair to the man I was dating, so I didn’t reciprocate.

    However, the relationship with the old friend fizzled out after a short time and the relationship with Jason later resumed. It wasn’t the same, though. We were often together places, but certainly not an outward couple. He’s gone back and forth from not knowing what he wants to saying he wants to date other women and doesn’t think we’re compatible enough to ever marry. In the meantime, I’ve fallen head over heels. Even though I’ve been heartbroken by what he said, I’ve stuck by him. I do love him and figured he simply needs time to sort things out. I do suspect, however, that he’s hitting middle age and wonders if he’s still got game and all that.

    But it grieves me that I’m willing to give so much to a relationship, but it’s unrequited. So I told him what I’m looking for. I said that the man I want to be my husband is one who can’t wait to see me, tells me he’s crazy about me, and tells me that he loves me. But I’ve felt awful at the thought of ever being with anyone else. Jason understands this. He admits how much he enjoys being with me and would miss me terribly if I ever left. But he also admits he feels guilty, like he’s keeping me around, but that he’s holding me back from finding someone who would make me truly happy. So I told Jason that as much as I really didn’t want to, I’d start dating other men, if only to try to get over him (and not feel like such a reject).

    I’ve been asked out by one man who seemed very nice…and maybe even a little too eager, but I made an excuse and declined. He still wants to go out, though, and is waiting on me for the word. My old friend that I was dating before even called back out of the blue, saying he missed me so much and wanted to make a fresh start. I feel spun by all of this. What is happening?? My heart is with Jason, who seems to sense change in the air and is acting a bit more attentive.

    Now I’m really confused. It would feel strange trying to stay friends while dating someone else, but I would also hate to lose Jason completely. Jason feels the same way, but is willing to suffer feeling jealous rather than lose me altogether.

    What should I do?



  461.  #461Millie on July 30, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Hi all,
    I’ve been off the blog for a bit and feeling great. I needed the time to quiet my mind and inner judgements that seem to by triggered by the immense information flowing on the posts. I needed the time to feel centered and quiet. I feel very happy where I am in life and in my own skin. I am embracing the journey, living in the moment, and enjoying experiences, not looking for “the one” or for “the end result” with anything. It’s pretty great compared to my anxiousness in the past.

    There is a question I’ve been pondering: Is having an open relationship the same as “friends with benefits?”

    What do you ladies think?



  462.  #462Daria on July 30, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    Hi Emerson!



  463.  #463Starbright on July 31, 2013 at 12:58 am

    447: Brenda –

    I like this part of Rori’s post below. And, I think trying to get more information from him as to why…does come across as needy.

    You can agree with him like FW I believe suggested.

    You can do nothing…or “STOP” as Rori suggests in this post.

    If it were me I would do everything to keep myself from contacting him in any form. And, I would not engage with him at this point. Right now (and possibly more than right now) he is not going to give you anything that feels good.

    It does seem that there is a similarity here to the men you have felt crazy about and that is that he is with other women as they have been according to your accounts.

    There are some people we encounter in life that we just can’t associate with because they feel like a drug in all the wrong ways.

    Keep writing and looking for ways to feel better about yourself. Have some fun.

    Also, one thing you wrote a