A Free Gift From My Coach – Ryan Eliason

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How To Make A Lucrative Career Out of Profound Service –

My Personal Coach Ryan Eliason’s FREE book for you:

Since I began my coaching career in 2003 at Coaches Training Institute, Ryan Eliason has been my coach. Not just for business – but for my personal life and anything else I’ve ever wanted to talk about.

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OH – I LOVED Ryan’s videos on the page after you download the book. He’s such an amazing human being (perhaps I get to add in the feelings I have from knowing him personally for so long – but the videos, and Ryan himself are so inspirational, I always feel uplifted hearing him talk and KNOWING he WALKS that talk, totally. He’s just someone you want to have in your life, and his work speaks from his heart…

Even if you’re not all about having or upleveling your entrepreneurial business right now, for me – it’s still all about Having It All. 

What I do in my work, and how I feel about what I do my work, so profoundly impacts my romantic and family life. Ryan helped me put it all together, beginning my journey with me long ago…and perhaps he can be there for you, too, in his work and words. In these free trainings, he’s on the line live…

Here’s the link again:

Download >>> The 10 Best Ways To Get Paid for Changing The World–>

Love, Rori

109 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 3, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Yes I got the book



  2.  #2Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 12:36 am

    Sirens, help –

    I’m feeling very triggered today. And in quite a lot of pain because of that. I realise a lot of this is deep stuff, old stuff, painful stuff, coming up… I haven’t had one of these days in quite a long time, and it’s not as bad as it was in the past so that is something.

    A guy I’m dating – I don’t even really see him as my “the one” or even as long term boyfriend potential – I’ve called him B on here. His Facebook activity has triggered me the last few days, and today especially. It’s this whole issue of female friends and being acknowledged as “the special woman” which is an extremely deep and painful trigger for me. I mean EXTREMELY. I am sensitive at the best of times, and I was betrayed by my best friend in the past with a guy I was deeply in love with. Maybe my fear preceded that but it is something which cuts like a knife right to my most painful insides, which few things can do. I don’t know if I can get past it actually.

    I am actually very grateful that Bush Boy and I are not friends on Facebook. I really hate that it has the power to trigger me like this.



  3.  #3Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 12:39 am

    For me I don’t know if there is any pain as intense as scrolling through my newsfeed and seeing a picture of a woman come up which my guy has “liked”. Does this resonate or sound crazy to anyone?



  4.  #4Victoria on November 4, 2015 at 1:10 am

    Indigo dearest,
    I know what you mean, and it is great that you recognize that it is old stuff coming up. You have great awarenesss of what is happening in your life and I applaud you for that.
    I am personally under the impression that FB is the biggest unnamed dating agency. The thing with posting pictures, especially women posting revealing pictures, these to me are a clear invitation for men to express attention. I have also witnessed how girls who post very alluring pictures, showing skin etc, once they get in a steady relationship, take down the old photos and all of sudden apprear all buttoned-up, in order not to upset their man.
    So no, you are not crazy. You are noticing something that is a fact, and the fact is that FB is a medium for flirting. The thing is, if you were spending a lot of time with B. in the old fashioned way (before internet which is such a time killer) most probably you would notice that he flirts with women in front of your eyes, and it is equally unnerving.
    There are several things you can do, one is to unfriend B. and if he asks why, you can tell him that his liking photos of other women is triggering for you, but since it is none of your business to control his behavior, you just don’t want to see it.
    The other thing is, you can start liking the pictures of your male friends, post on their walls, etc., to see whether this triggers any response in him.
    The way I am dealing with this, is I stay away from FB. It is a great temptation, but from what I know, the emotion I get from it is mostly unhealthy curiosity… I have researched old boyfriends, fetl triggered by their new girlfriends/wifes/kids/trips… I can live without this.



  5.  #5Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 1:23 am

    Victoria,

    This is the thing – this female friend of mine whose photo he has “liked” – we were at a party of hers on Saturday. She was drunk and was definitely being a little flirtatious with him. He was not encouraging it but he was not discouraging it either. Then to see him “like” her profile picture which was a picture from the party was an immediate and intense trigger for me. There is definitely a lot of what I consider to be inappropriate attention going on on Facebook… I hate this aspect of it. I feel tempted to do it, and I see it all over the show.

    I was sad before that I was not friends with Bush Boy on Facebook but now I am very, very happy I am not. It keeps my own unhealthy curiosity at bay, and it stops me seeing things that upset me or worry about how something I post may come across to him. Much more comfortable.



  6.  #6Victoria on November 4, 2015 at 1:45 am

    Indigo,
    I am personally a very jealous person. I get triggered easily, and I carry it in me for a very long time. As you know, I left F. several months ago… Now when I was reading what you wrote, I remembered, at my last bithday, almost a year ago, we were at a nice French restaurant and he was fascinated with the beautiful young French waitress. I still remember it, and it still hurts, even though he is out of my life. Looking back, he did not do anything upsetting except look at the waitress a certain way and he had some small talk with her. I never said a word to him about it… what could I say, beyond admitting my own insecurity. I have no lesson, no morale of the story, just wanted to share this with you.
    On a different note, I see how your situation is even more upsetting because the girl is a friend of yours, so you expect a certain level of loyalty from her. I have been there too, both as the friend you felt betrayed, and as the betraying friend. Not proud of it, but have done it. I remember Rori has a post telling how a certain man she was with flirted with a woman in front of her eyes and then left her for the same woman. This really hurts me too, thinking how it has been done to me, and reminding me of my shame for having done it.



  7.  #7Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 1:55 am

    Victoria,

    I feel so happy you understand, and I can tell from your post that you do.

    You’ve got it exactly. I confided to this friend of mine a few things about B a few days before, and so it almost felt to me as though she expected B and I to be a little distant from each other and so she would have got away with the light flirtatiousness on her part. Instead we came to the party together and he had his arm around me quite a few times and this seemed to get to her because her boyfriend was not there. She even mentioned something to me about it.

    Likewise, B did not do anything particularly upsetting. There was just an energy which it seems obvious he thought I would not notice – a look, a chat, a touch, a something on her part which he did not completely shut down. Then “liking” her status about the party, and “liking” her photo. I’m sorry, no. Small as it sounds, it is big to me and is a dealbreaker.



  8.  #8Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 1:58 am

    The fortunate, or unfortunate, thing about being very sensitive is that absolutely nothing energetically gets past me – nothing. I have never been cheated on because I can feel a man who would cheat a mile away and give him a very wide berth.



  9.  #9Victoria on November 4, 2015 at 2:09 am

    Indigo,
    Are you looking for a reason to breakup with him? Maybe just down-grade him a little bit and keep him in the rotation for practice? He has stepped on your boundaries a few times, I can tell that, but no deadly sins as of yet, in my humble opinion. I mean, Rori has this principle of having at least 3 men in the rotation, and I think it is a good rule of thumb not to shoot him down without a replacement. What do you think?



  10.  #10Victoria on November 4, 2015 at 2:21 am

    The other thing is, the behavior of your female friend.
    From my experience, certain women tend to flirt with other girls boyfriends… Other women are simply very beautiful creatures and men hit ot them by instinct, just can’t help it. I have figured that I can not maintain friendship with either type.
    Right now, I have a female friend who is single who knows that I am dating someone. She does not know about Rori and CDing, and that I find it useful to have men in my rotation. I was telling her about a nice man I met through work, and she is already asking me to introduce her because she is looking for a boyfriend (she is very pretty). I take a mental note not to share too much with her, just for my own peace of mind.



  11.  #11Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 3:00 am

    Victoria,

    Good point. This female friend of mine specifically shared with me that she can be a bit flirtatious when drunk. This combined with the fact that he was with me and I’m sure she felt a bit jealous of that. It was this very harmless “green light” stuff but it’s a no go for me. I too have to be careful now how much I share. I need to be more guarded now.



  12.  #12Starla on November 4, 2015 at 5:50 am

    My boyfriend stopped liking pictures of women when we were heading towards exclusivity. I am SO glad. I can’t deal with that. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker but I would hate it.



  13.  #13Starla on November 4, 2015 at 9:22 am

    Before we when we were just in CDing mode, I did hide him from appearing in my feed. This way, I couldn’t be caught off guard by what he was doing on fb. Now I go into his female friends profiles and see how he liked their pictures before he got totally serious about me, and it still makes my blood boil! hahaha. oh goodness.

    Your situation about the friend reminds me that we should be very very very selective about who, if anyone, we complain about our men to.

    I have reduced my complaining to 2 sirens that I speak to on FB who I may never meet (although I would love to meet them:)). It occurred to me recently that I was being extremely disrespectful to him by venting to real-life girlfriends about him. And disrespectful to myself, because what does that say about my judgment in picking men?

    I’ve since stopped participating in any man bashing with my girlfriends. It’s amazing how women everywhere are so quick to disparage their men. It’s like the unofficial watercooler activity at my office.



  14.  #14Femininewoman on November 4, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Rori did say that the thing you don’t like about yourself is what causes triggering. I guess one of the questions to ask is what is my jealousy telling me about myself.

    Starla I really like your stance around man bashing. I am still in a learning process where that is concerned.



  15.  #15Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 11:06 am

    It’s funny, the true fear behind my deeply painful reaction came out today. I am so so so so so scared of being excluded and left out. Funny, if this had never happened I would never have known this was a deep trigger of mine. I realised I have blown this way out of proportion due to my fear of excluded and sniggered at by people. Interesting huh.

    Starla I love what you say about complaining about our men to our girlfriends. I try to only talk to one trusted friend on Skype about my men, but every now and again I slip up and I pay the consequences. Your post was a great reminder to me about that.



  16.  #16Lovergirl on November 4, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Indigo-

    That would make me feel triggered too. You are not alone in that at all! It’s not that it sounds like either of them did anything all that bad, its just I know how it would make me feel. It’s something I would have a hard time getting past too.



  17.  #17lisa on November 4, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Hi Rori
    I know it is so stupid to write to you, now, here.
    I wrote you in your blog about a situation with my 2 year live in bf whom I adored and who use to adore me receiving a text and hiding it from me.
    Well basically he left and never came back.
    Prior to this we had a lot of issues Im sure they were mine when I trusted you things worked out. I believe I was with him because of you. One night I wrote that letter , new year letter in your blog, from my future self and described him exactly.
    Oh Rori.

    I am in a lot of pain I cant eat sleep talk function go to school. I cant stop crying.
    After that night about the text that he left the next day we talked and he refused to be in a relationship with me anymore.
    He said he didn’t feel the same that he didn’t know what he wanted.
    That he wanted to party with friends and that all I did was push him away.
    I said lets try it out he said no. Firmly no I don’t feel for you anymore love.
    Basically what followed was me arguing me pleading begging crying and him saying no that I should go out and see the world.

    Then I called him one night he comes and he picks up a paper we end up having sex and tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore.
    I ask how love can die in one day.
    He says it took time and you killed it.

    He said “I needed love I want to receive love to be spoiled”
    Basically what I am saying rori is that I acted feminine I followed your rules and what he told me in bed was that he wanted to be the feminine one he wanted so much attention to be the center of attention.
    Oh rori I cried and pleaded after we had sex I felt so sad and cried more. He said it was a mistake to come. And he left. After he walked out the door I begged and he said “ok I can try to rebuild my love for you”. But I think he just felt sorry for me.

    Oh dear rori I sound so stupid and you hate when women beg.
    I have cut off contact with him.

    The saddest part is that he made up his mind so quickly to stop loving me, that is what he says. Why do I refuse to believe it he doesn’t love me.
    Also when we had sex he told me he met a girl , a lesbian, who he felt really connected to that she was tough and mean like him, that never had he met anyone who he connected with like her, I asked him what do you feel he said attraction that she wasn’t more beautiful than me but that she listened to him and I never did, This you mentioned on your reply to me, when I fisrt messaged you. You said That he didn’t feel safe with me. And its true!

    As he was leaving he kissed me and it felt so wrong. I said, tell me please do you like someone else and he said yes.
    I said, then that’s it go.
    He did after that I pleaded again I know I was wrong.
    But dear Rori how does love end in one day?
    How!?
    I signed up for yoga will go back to live with my parents as I feel so alone in this apartment and I have not contacting
    Rori I feel pain and regret.

    He said I made him into a bad person when I rejected him after sex, I use to suffer from depression.
    I use to get jealous and break up over porn I use to do so many things Rori. I had anger issues really bad that one day I slapped him. And basically I was bossy.
    And then one day I decided to change he said my love is so big for you you don’t even know. SO he gave me another chance from that day on I was nice and spoke my feelings.

    Until this day of the text that I said I needed space. He said things would never change because that was an overreaction.
    Rori its hard to give up.
    Do you think he can ever love me again?
    I try to think he is just confused.

    When we had sex that night he said “why couldn’t you be this loving when we were together you are giving it to me too late.”
    Rori do I give up on this man? he doesn’t love me right?
    I should listen right?
    Why does it hurt so much?
    Especially when he tells me the love is gone.
    Do you think that love can be reborn ever.
    Im desperate Rori.
    How did he decide in one day I was not the right one when the week before he said I was the love of his life and that he loved that I changed.
    All that matters he says to him now is party and friends and following the lesbian girl around.
    I wish you could tell me he is just confused,
    I feel like a really bad person when he tells me I hurt him deeply.
    I am getting out there will sign on to dating sites but regret lives with me deeply.
    I try not to think about the whys and just feel things.



  18.  #18Lovergirl on November 4, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    I’m excited about this new guy and how things are going so far. I feel afraid though, of somehow screwing it all up or losing his interest. Any recommendations of good articles on here to read?



  19.  #19Turquoise on November 4, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    Oh indigo, I know those triggers. I me remover something that happened with my ex husband flirting with a bar tender right in front of me, 17 years ago and it still stabs my heart. Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts.
    Tonight my daughter had a chorus concert with other schools. I sat and listened to the beautiful music for 90 min. And felt such peace. A little part of me thought of Knight, and wishing he could be there with me… But just a little part.
    I heard from Someday and my friend today. That helped. Distraction is good. My ex decided not to come into town today and I feel really relieved.
    Goodnight sirens. Much love to you all. Xo



  20.  #20Indigo on November 4, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    Lovergirl & Turquoise,

    Thank you so much. xx

    As painful (and nearly destructive) as this was, it helped me realise two very important things that I can take forward, which I may not have known otherwise. Firstly, my fear of being excluded and left out and for other people to have their own party going on “over there” which I am not part of. I’m going to have to love on myself extra hard with this one. Secondly, Facebook is a trigger-fest; and I am better off not being friends with (or at least unfollowing) a guy whom I am just dating, until we have been in a safe, secure, exclusive relationship for quite some time. Very good mental note for me to make.

    Oh yes, and finally, I need to be more careful what I share about my man and with whom. Less is more.



  21.  #21Victoria on November 4, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    Lovergirl,
    What I have learnt from this wonderful blog is that you should never worry about having a man’s attention. What I will write below is not advice to you, but advice for myself. You should focus on you, have a great life, focus on your job (congratulations for being great at it!), go volunteer for something if you have the time and energy for that. Do not worry how he perceives you or that you need to please him. Continue CDing. Do not put your CDing in his face, but do not lie about it either. If he wants you to totally stop seeing other men (exclusivity), he will let you know, one way or another. Do not fall in the exclusivity trap too soon, that is a recipe for disaster.
    I think men crave to be with a beautiful, kind, se*ually liberated woman. He is extremely lucky to have met you. You are the prize.



  22.  #22Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 12:58 am

    Sirens,

    I am “journalling” here on the blog, rather than leaning forward with Bush Boy. I miss him so much. I figure it is better to riff out my feelings here than contact him. I’m really impressed with how I have handled this particular relationship, and the patience I have shown. I feel that it has grown me by leaps and bounds. Exercising that “no leaning forward” muscle is hard though :/ it feels like real physical exercise. I know I need to strengthen it.

    Anyone relate?



  23.  #23Victoria on November 5, 2015 at 2:05 am

    Indigo,
    There are few things sweeter than talking about your new man with your friends.
    The man bashing etc. is just a by-product of the wonderfulness of sharing your experience (positive or negative) with someone who understands, who has the same views on life, and I personally have no problem with it.
    From my experience with leaning back, it is a wonderful tool and it works wonders. It allows men to come forward if they would, but sometimes, they just don’t. I don’t bother to exercise my patience anymore (you are a witness that I tried!). For me, the tool was amazing in allowing me to see the truth, and develop the ability to accept the truth and not fight it. It is a very liberating experience for me.



  24.  #24Dixie on November 5, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Indigo,

    The leaning back muscle for me was a hard one to develop but it’s easier now….. It doesn’t always feel great at first, especially when, as you mention, these feelings begin to bubble up.

    That said, I have seen a HUGE difference by using leaning back mainly because it keeps me within my “safe” boundaries of doing what feels right. Whenever I lean out of that boundary, I have to admit that it doesn’t feel safe or good. It feels like reaching.

    So, yes, it’s not always easy, but boy, it has kept me from much heartache, pining, tears and worry :). I’m not always great at it, but honestly, I can see a big difference in my interactions. Most specifically, as Victoria mentions, I get to see the man’s behaviour more clearly. Very freeing, less controlling

    By man, I mean D…..Dear Universe, send a man into my rotation please ☺️



  25.  #25Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 4:02 am

    Good morning sirens…. Ugh I am still in that phase where Knight is the last person on my mind before I go to bed and my first thought waking up. I’m still looking at my phone for a text…. I feel unsettled. What makes me feel better…. Knowing this will change. I love that moment when I realize… I actually forgot about him today! Hoping that happens soon. This morning I’m reminded of my sunrise/sunset perspective on relationships. I want to feel that warm, golden glow of contentment, I want the fiery passion oranges and purples…. I want the beautiful pinks. I want my relationship to feel that beautiful. When I get triggered… Need to remember that is my goal. Not a particular man.



  26.  #26Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 4:11 am

    So last night my friend texted me a picture of this costume he made for his daughter for a school project. I responded back that it was awesome! A little while later he texted to say that he’d sent the picture to his ex, and her response was critical and that he told her if she didn’t like it, she could do it herself next time. And that from now on he was going to ignore her. I responded how wonderful it was that he had taken the time to make her something and how nice it was that she would have something unique. I only had time to buy my daughters costume and she was upset other children would have the same one.
    A definite thing that holds me back from trying anything with him is that he still seems pretty hung up on his ex, even though she cheated on him and is remarried. They talk all the time… She gets jealous we are friends… And for a long time I know he wanted her back.
    It was interesting to see though that her slight complaint or criticism had him completely shutting down. Yet, all the other horrible things she did like be unfaithful… He was willing to work through. Sometimes I feel like I’m just too nice and good. Men seem to love the drama and game playing, the bad behavior. How do I spice myself up to seem more interesting and less wholesome. For as much as Knight said he loved that about me… Is it possible to seem too good/nice?



  27.  #27Lilybelly on November 5, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Turq,

    There are things we can do on the outside to spice ourselves up;

    A new hairstyle/ color
    Clothes
    Even taking a new class

    But Sweetie, you do not need to make yourself seem less or more of who you really are to have a man interested in you and honestly, you are who you are. A beautifil woman with integrity, ethics and honor. Qualities to feel very proud of.

    Its Fall, i would start with a fabulous cut and different color added to my hair for immediate change on the outside. It feels so good to pamper and treat myself to this and does wonderful things to my self-esteem.



  28.  #28Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 4:56 am

    Thanks Lillybelly. You are right… I am who I am, and I like myself.
    Things I don’t like… I worry a lot. I mother people… And I’m the one helping everyone else. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard you are the best girlfriend I could ever have… But I treated you badly. You are so good… Wholesome, etc. I think men like that in the beginning… But that seems to wear off. The thing is, if they would stick around long enough to really get to know me… They would see I’m also very passionate, fun in the bedroom, have a fiery temper, and other less than perfect qualities. I don’t know, just feels like I can’t have long term anymore and I would really like to know why.



  29.  #29Lovergirl on November 5, 2015 at 6:21 am

    Thank you Victoria! That is great advice :). I feel like I am doing better with not being hung up on him. He is still traveling and has texted me about every other day. It’s given me time to focus on other things and I’ve had a lot going on over here that has kept me busy. I haven’t even finished going through the questions on his okcupid profile, lol, though I was curious. Just haven’t had time to look at them. I am looking forward to seeing him and want to be “warm” and excited about it, but don’t want to be obsessed.



  30.  #30Starla on November 5, 2015 at 6:31 am

    Oh sirens, I suddenly feel just lost at sea. My boyfriend and I are not quite getting along. It’s tiny little bickering that lasts for just a few seconds really, which is a huge improvement from the mega fights we used to have. But I sorta want to hide away and also I worry that he is going to leave me or lose attraction. I know I am certainly losing my attraction at this time because I have an unresolved resentment and worry about something we can probably talk about, but I’m tired of talking and just really want to be left alone. I just want to be able to relax and I can’t reliably do that with him right now. It’s like a roller coaster of connected then stressed connected then stressed. I want to hide away because if we are not interacting, no one is going to get triggered. And I have been so anxious and reactive for so long, working on it really hard for so long, I just cringe to think about starting yet another conversation about my anxiety driven dissatisfaction. That already happens every week or so.



  31.  #31Starla on November 5, 2015 at 6:34 am

    We are ring shopping and wedding planning so I feel extra pressure for things to be perfect, like the stakes are so high now.



  32.  #32Starla on November 5, 2015 at 6:36 am

    And i have made self care my priority this week but it’s like i need to do it every day or I feel bad. Went to the spa, keep buying myself nice meals, went to mail salon.. None of it has snapped me out of it for more than a few hours. Am broke now, lol



  33.  #33Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 7:56 am

    (((Starla)))

    I so know how you feel. And so I wanted to ask you – is there a possibility that the anxiety and the bickering is a way for you to avoid feeling the uncomfortable feelings underneath? I ask because that is generally very true of me. When I feel that tetchy, anxiety-driven dissatisfaction, there’s always something deeper going on that I am avoiding LIKE THE PLAGUE. Because feeling it and facing it is too uncomfortable.



  34.  #34Starla on November 5, 2015 at 8:10 am

    I stayed in bed to be alone and destress this morning and he came back to me with coffee. That felt sweet. Then he started grilling me about how I slept and I the truth is I had nightmares and I did tell him that, but I Just don’t want to be required to answer for myself whenever I’m not in a great mood. Last night, for example, I was in a big hurry and very late for something important, and when I went to kiss him goodbye before leaving the house, he asked me what was wrong and that I looked like I had been crying. I sure wasn’t crying, and it put me in such a weird mood to hear that.

    I just want to be able to live, to have moods, and to not have it be a big deal. When it becomes “a thing” that I’m not in a perfect mood, I feel like it’s not allowed, or it’s some thing that stops everything, and it makes me more anxious when I’m just not in tip top chipper shape. We have talked about this and I know this is more about him being afraid that he needs to address something or will be blindsided by me getting mad, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being set up to be a disappointment. I feel like by making it a topic of conversation, I am set up to be the girlfriend who is never happy. Just let me live.

    I feel really heavy about this.
    I feel a lump in my chest.
    I feel tingling in my face
    I feel hunger in my stomach

    I feel an urge to text him about this, but he’s at work, and I don’t know how to tell him this without criticizing him, because, well, it is criticizing! LOL

    I was recently offered some great advice about treating these awkward, tense feeling moments like pimples. That you think if you just go straight in to popping it, even when it’s a new pimple not ready to be popped, you really just make it worse, but you just can’t help yourself! It’s so tempting! You are convinced, despite years of experience, that this time it will be different and you will make the pimple better!

    Or when a pimple is ready to be popped, but you don’t do it in a sterile, precise way, so you end up with an infected pimple or a scar that lasts a long time.

    My goal has been not to pick the pimples, so to speak. And it make me feel so vulnerable and exposed to just let the pimple sit on my face. I want to DO something about it. I had to fight the urge to call him from the car after he asked me last night if I had been crying. I wanted to ask him what the h*** that was all about. I wanted to criticize him for painting me in that light. I wanted to defend myself against the potentially negative opinions about me he was forming based on my awkward reaction and the awkward moment.

    I didn’t call him, fortunately.

    I know this is getting long. I just need to let this out.



  35.  #35Starla on November 5, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Indigo, yes, I think the anxiety and bickering comes from this place that says his commitment and loyalty and attraction to me will be up for revocation if things are perfect, so I get a little weird and anxious and feel paralyzed and quiet, and when he calls me out on it, or calls me out on being anything less than of a perfect disposition for reasons unrelated to him, we start bickering because I’m defending myself against the idea that he would be justified to reconsider his commitment to me.

    Note that he has never really done much to make me feel like he will reconsider, but I was raised by a parent who did leave me feeling this way all the time until they actually did revoke their love for me. Not that it was ever love to begin with. But yeah, that’s my deal.



  36.  #36Starla on November 5, 2015 at 8:16 am

    *this place that says his commitment and loyalty and attraction to me will be up for revocation if things are NOT perfect



  37.  #37Starla on November 5, 2015 at 8:25 am

    I just really feel strongly about leaning back and taking my own space for self care right now. I don’t want him picking at my mood… it would feel great to be offered invitations to spend time together, to eat together, to receive back massages… things that make me feel closer to him and that I can look forward to in my schedule between my obligations and self care. Some true masculine, giving energy would feel great.

    I feel guilty saying all this. He is certainly a wonderful guy and these are short term conditions, and I think the biggest driver of my dissatisfaction is just that sense that if I am not peachy keen all the time in my mood towards him, I am going to be abandoned, and i get labeled as a difficult personality and not just a normal human with moods. So I want him to please do the right things to foster connection so that I am not dumped for it.

    I think this is a lot of baggage left over from my childhood but it feels awful. I feel so insecure and vulnerable and like I want to run away from the potential of being abandoned.

    I am crying. I am going to let the tears flow for a while.



  38.  #38Starla on November 5, 2015 at 9:07 am

    I could be taking much better care of myself. Why is it that I feel like if i go back to being at the gym every night and improving my life and working towards my goals, it will hurt our relationship? I guess I’m scared of not having enough time together for there to be enough sweet moments to balance out the awkward ones. I am scared we will have only awkward disconnection and it will end our relationship. I feel heavy. I want to drop this burden. I am loving letting these tears out <3



  39.  #39Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Starla,

    I get it. I really do. My mom had serious SERIOUS rage issues when my brother and I were small. There was an orphanage down the road from where we lived and she used to threaten us with leaving us there when she was especially angry.



  40.  #40Starla on November 5, 2015 at 9:25 am

    Side note, I feel the need to mention that I know I am spamming the comments section right now and taking up a lot of space. This is so relevant to what I’m going through with my relationship right now. I feel like I have to have a good reason to be doing something self focused, like I need to explain myself. Like I better apologize or else I will be seen as self indulgent and over emotional. This is all MY issue. I do think I am a good person deserving of a little self focus without apology from time to time. I wonder how I can sink more deeply into feeling worthy and unconflicted of that.

    I intend to be more self focused and recommit to the things I want for myself outside of my relationship. I don’t feel comfortable just going for it. I feel like I have to explain that I am doing these things. I feel like anything I do to better myself and my well being, is a reflection of the fact that I am UNWELL and that because I am so flawed I have to take great care of myself.

    I did start the process of transforming this a couple of months ago. I knew that if I just focused on myself and didn’t feed into the idea that something was “wrong” so I was being quiet or I was spending more time on self improvement, that he would catch on and get comfortable. But I got too nervous about it and fell into explaining myself and worrying about it.

    I am very tired of talking about my anxiety in our relationship like every single day. When I don’t bring it up, HE is bringing it up. I bet he does it because he is trying to watch out for any potential issues. I don’t mind this, but I would receive it better if he made it about himself worrying and not what’s “wrong” with me that day.



  41.  #41Starla on November 5, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Indigo, that sucks. Mine said all the time she would get rid of me, and then she really and truly did. It was probably for the best because I did need to get away from her, but it hurts like hell and is my first and only model for love and loyalty and worthiness. I was an only child and she isolated us such that she was my only close relationship.



  42.  #42Starla on November 5, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Thank you for sharing that with me, Indigo <3 I want to hug you as a little girl. I suppose I could start doing the same for my inner little girl, too.



  43.  #43Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Okay, epiphany time 🙂 Love epiphanies. I am blessed with the ability to receive them.

    Even if I address this specific issue in my relationship and “resolve” it, all it does is seal the burst seam that is containing a boiling soup of a lifetime of pain patterns. I think I’ll let the seams burst open instead so the soup can boil out. There really is a lifetime of pain in there, so I don’t WANT to seal the seam. I want to let it boil out. I want to let it boil out and then flush it clean with the fresh water of love. I do love myself so much. I want to take care of my inner little girl.

    Note, I don’t mean letting the seams burst open towards him! I desperately crave keeping this my own business.

    I’m in a good relationship headed towards forever and NOTHING that comes up is so urgent that it must be resolved. We’re not going to talk our way into better vibes with each other, anyway. If I keep taking that path, it only seals up the bursting seam and the soup underneath continues to boil.



  44.  #44Femininewoman on November 5, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Starla the stakes are high.
    You have come a long way.
    You are doing so great.

    Your comments reminded me of something I read yesterday so I am sharing it. It is from Bob Huizenga.
    The last item in particular came to mind.

    The following are 17 conditions that should be met in order to create a strong, unbreakable, emotional connection with your spouse or lover.

    1. I want to have respect, and not insult or speak sarcastically when I feel anger toward my spouse.

    2. I want to express my anger truthfully and respectfully.

    3. I want to act like an adult, not child, when I’m upset.

    4. I want to listen carefully to my partner’s point of view when we disagree.

    5. I want to avoid pushing my spouse’s button.

    6. I want to apologize if I’ve blown it.

    7. I want to admit my mistakes and apologize for negative consequences.

    8. I want to honor my spouse and not patronize.

    9. I want us to resolve problems quickly and easily and learn from them.

    10. I want to value my relationship more than my need to be right.

    11. I want to do everything to contribute to our relationship success.

    12. I want to trust my partner is doing his/her best to succeed.

    13. I want to support and encourage my partner to reach his/her goals.

    14. I want to find satisfaction in making his/her life easier and more enjoyable.

    15. I want to be able to collaborate when it’s important, not compete.

    16. I want to be comfortable with how our common interests fit.

    17. I want to have a balance between being close and independent.



  45.  #45Femininewoman on November 5, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Turquoise do you think you can focus on taking out that “want” and just focus your attention of feeling all that juiceness?

    It is a challenge but so hmph when you achieve it.



  46.  #46Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Wow, FW! I am meeting almost all of those! Woohoo – I feel encouraged 🙂

    Thanks for sharing this list. It gives me some concrete ideas of what needs fine tuning and what I can just relax about and dial down the anxiety on.



  47.  #47Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Thank you Starla xx

    I am really sorry about your relationship with your mom. My mom and I have a wonderful relationship now, but that’s because she took years for some serious self-reflection and work on herself. I realise how rare this is though, and for a long time I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

    It must help though to realise these feelings of yours have root in something real and concrete that happened to you.



  48.  #48Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    Starla…. I don’t understand… Is he asking what’s wrong with an attitude or tone? Or is he asking out of love and concern? If it’s the latter and you get more upset… He’s going to feel mighty confused. I guess I’m not understanding what’s he’s doing wrong that you feel so frustrated. Maybe you need a girls night… Just go have some fun with your friends and get out of your head a bit.

    I wish I even had the opportunity to fight with someone… It doesn’t get that far. Everything seems pretty good and poof… They just disappear. No fighting, no breaking up, no chance to make up. It’s just there and then it’s not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I lean back to give them space when they seem to need it and then they are just gone.



  49.  #49Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    I’m not trying to downplay your anxiety or how you feel at all Starla. I’m just wondering what exactly he’s doing that triggers you.



  50.  #50Mandy on November 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Sirens,

    Well, I did it…

    J decided he was going to do things behind my back like have internet sex with an old friend on my parent’s dime. I noticed he was walking out of the room outside when he was on these long phone conversatuions and that he’d click off his instant message when I’d sit next to him on the couch which is by his desk and computer. I told him I feel like he’s hiding something from me, and for some reason he put me on the phone with this woman and she told me they were flirting and it was just talk, and then I got off the phone and handed it back to him, went to bed, then called my mother the next morning (who’s name is on the Lease of my apartment with mine) and gave her the green light to kick him out. She emailed his mother and said he needed to be out this month. So he got a new approved for a new apartment down the street close to his work.

    Point being, I’d had enough. I know he did what he did to punish me for dumping him and hanging out with others. He’s very jealous and controlling. Now if I bring up anything about what he did he can’t stand to even go there and he stops the conversation immediately.

    Anyhow, he will be out soon, I will have my privacy, my bed to myself, I won’t have to worry about if he gets the bathroom first and I have to go, or his crap taking up all my space and all the gross beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere.

    Plus side – I have about four or five CDs, and theyre all over me. G is calling me every other day, Valentine invited me over, one I call Neph has been talking to me, we might possibly do something soon, and a new one DancingWolf, was very nice to invite me over and comfort me a bit about what happened with J. And then an Edward Norton look alike, B, invited me over for dinner and cooked for me it was really sweet.

    But every one of these men are friends of mine I’ve known for a little while, like since last year. They must’ve known I felt attraction to them because when they are around I bust out jokes and smile at them and kind of play around around them. I can’t help it, when I think someone’s cool I start to get playful. I’ve remained playful…

    Except with Valentine. I will open up…I am in a BDSM relationship with him and he is the Dominant. I HOPE this doesn’t trigger anyone or give the wrong impression, we’re not talking 50 shades of Grey here, that story is not a real BDSM story, BDSM is about consent. I realized this what what I needed sexually, and interestingly enough, I know i’ve truly submitted control to him, given him the rowing paddles, handed him the steering wheel, because I have the most tender feelings for him, and he for me. He always makes sure I know I’m loved, cared for and precious to him. I’ve never seen a man be so romantic.
    He is just wonderful. I didn’t know that truly submitting to someone in that manner, not just a “vanilla” manner, might trigger love inside me. I mean, we talk about how giving up control t o a man allows him to have feelings, I think it’s the same thing when we truly give the man the steering wheel and trust he always is interested. That tool, the trust, is very powerful. Also staying busy, going out with friends and events is very important. And working. Very important.

    But wow I am so impressed by this young man. He may not be you know, my husband in some years, but goodness gracious he is just what I need right now…CDs are awesome! 🙂

    These men are just great.



  51.  #51Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    FW, I was trying to explain that’s how I want to feel in a relationship. Most of the time, it doesn’t. So how do I feel juicy when it’s not there yet? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting to know someone… Kissing knight definitely felt juicy. All the doubt and uncertainty did not. That just felt grey and muddled….



  52.  #52Sweetpea on November 5, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    Hey Sirens,

    I’m going through a weird time and have come back here – which feels like my “roots.”

    I haven’t been in a relationship for almost 2 years, yet have recently relocated and am living with a former roommate who is a friend and also like a sister to me.

    She seems to have changed a lot. She has told me things like “You’re mean now. What happened?” “You’re playing the role of victim, you’re pessimistic.”

    Which is funny, because those are exactly the same things I had been thinking about her. Oh, that mirror.

    Anyway, I find myself, once again, in a time of intense self-reflection and personal growth. I’m finding that just reading the posts here is helping me a lot. I’m seeing that there isn’t a big difference between how I am in a love relationship and how I’m feeling at the moment. Which is odd.

    The problem being, until I get my feet completely back under me and can afford my own place, I feel fear when thinking about stating boundaries or any of the things I stated here in this post.

    It’s a strange time, but I’m so grateful to know of this little place called “Rori’s Blog,” where I can come to learn, grow and feel supported.



  53.  #53Starla on November 5, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Turquoise, what is bothering me is his bringing attention to the fact that I am not perfectly cheery. Even a little deviation will draw questions from him about WHY that is. I want the freedom to have a range of moods and not be subject to questioning or having it pointed out that I am not perfect so something must be wrong. However, the triggering I feel when he does ask is completely my own. What I prefer is when he is affectionate towards me because he senses I am in an off mood, instead of making a big deal out of it that I have to explain myself. Sometimes something actually is bothering me, but I am keeping it to myself for a reason. I deserve to have some time with my thoughts and feelings before I express them. A lot of the time he will ask me what’s wrong and if I tell him, he starts fighting with me about it. It’s like I’ve fallen into this role of if something’s not perfect then it’s because of my clinical issues. Not because I’m a normal human with normal moods.

    Anyway, I don’t want to dwell too much more on this… it gets me riled up and is down a rabbit hole that cannot be filled up by digging deeper. The work is on me taking the “charge” out of being asked what’s wrong, and teaching myself that i am allowed to be cranky and it doesn’t put me on the chopping block. So jealous of my cranky girlfriends who cop an attitude all the time and don’t worry about it.



  54.  #54Sweetpea on November 5, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    Hey Starla!

    I’m not trying to carry on a conversation about something you’d rather not discuss, but just wanted to let you know I’m feeling much the same way somehow, although I can’t quite decide how it meshes.

    What I’m landing on is what I heard a Coach call, “being an ‘approval addict’.” I’m noticing much of what I’m feeling and what is driving my actions right now, is that I’m striving for approval.

    “Oh. I better do this.” I think, “So she doesn’t get mad or have a reason to be upset.”

    I almost feel like a teenager living in my parents’ house again. Like I’m striving to be “good,” so they have no reason to be disappointed in me.

    WTF? How old am I, again?

    I’m not sure what to do about it right now, other than just acknowledge it and see where the feelings lead me.

    Do you relate to this at all?

    Like I said, I’m not sure how to explain it, but what you’re saying and what I’m feeling seem similar to me for some reason.



  55.  #55Starla on November 5, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Mandy, I just wanted to say I so get it about the domination in bed thing. Submission to a man worthy of your trust, both in and out of the bedroom, is the most calming thing I can experience :). It seriously is what makes me feel like all is right in the world. So I totally understand. And I also find that it is hard to tell other women this. They treat me like I have stockholm syndrome.



  56.  #56Starla on November 5, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    Sweetpea, I do relate! “WTF? How old am I, again?” Ummm, let’s see….. you’re going on 28 now, right? 😀

    To expand on doing things to avoid making someone upset… I have come to see that as a very controlling thing! And control = we don’t trust that person to act right, so we must control that possibility. We all know in our hearts that when you extend faith and trust to people, that is what inspires them to bring their best to the table. Like how my guy doesn’t quite trust my moods, and it’s triggering my worst and creating tense moments. Of course, your roommate and I have both set a precedent that created the mistrust, but the dynamic does not give a cr*p who started it 😀



  57.  #57T-Girl on November 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    Turq, I’m just catching up – Try to keep in mind that guys proofing have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Yes it is disappointing and you may never know the reason but it is all to do with them. They are probably doing you a favor by proofing anyway.



  58.  #58Starla on November 5, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    It sure stings when our friends point out flaws that they’re seeing in us, because we have come to count on them to perceive us as capable of no wrong. It stings especially hard if they point out your flaws but refuse/fail to see their own! Ughhhhhh, hypocrisy!

    Still, my instincts tell me to listen to that friend. They’re probably not wrong. Rude, hypocritical, blind to themselves? Uh, yeah! And anyway, when we start taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions, often those closest to us are able to drop their defenses and recognize they need to work on that, too.

    Ugh, it feels so humiliating when a friend points out my flaws. It’s so much easier to defend myself against the potential consequences of their negative opinion of you by denying or acting oblivious, pointing out their hypocrisy or their flaws, justifying, and all that jazz. But I’m finding that really owning my sh*t no matter how it is delivered to my attention is actually having a really positive effect on my relationships.

    I used to worry about my boundaries first and foremost and felt like taking radical responsibility for my flaws and actions would undermine my ability to hold my own boundaries. Now I see that as entirely constructed and not really necessary, just one framework I was employing.



  59.  #59Starla on November 5, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    sorry, I typed that in a hurry and it came out a little funny. Maybe i need to take a step back from the computer…



  60.  #60Waterfall on November 5, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Starla,

    I just want to say ‘hi’ sweet pea!! I so feel your pain with what you say in your last post #53

    ‘I want the freedom to have a range of moods and not be subject to questioning or having it pointed out that I am not perfect so something must be wrong.’

    Have you seen the film ‘How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days’?. To me, all this film does is to reinforce those stereotypes that we women worry about – ie mood swings, diva like demands, girlifying everything, etc, etc..

    Maybe what I am saying is except you are a girl, warts and all and this is how we girls roll – we are dramatic, we do have mood swings that our men struggle to understand, we do like pampering, etc, etc…

    My ex was continually questioning me and my mood swings. He would laugh at me if I was feeling down. He would make inappropriate jokes at my expense. He would NEVER pick up on my feelings and emotions and I felt like I had to bash him over the head with them.

    Then one day I realised that maybe because he was such a blokey, bloke he just didn’t really know how to relate to me. He didn’t get that I would just wear my emotions on his sleaze, because he doesn’t do that.

    Now I “try” (though it is hard!) to sort of look at myself through his eyes. I try and remember that his world has been so different from mine.

    I am not trying to give you advice, and please don’t feel like I am imposing my view. I just wanted to reach out to you, because I felt like I related so much to your comments..

    Sorry if I’ve waffled on too much, or said anything out of place..



  61.  #61Starla on November 5, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    Waterfall, please don’t apologize, and Turq I hope I didn’t make you feel bad for offering some perspective. My needing to shut my mouth about it is allll MY thing:).



  62.  #62Waterfall on November 5, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    * sleave – not sleaze

    Lol, it’s late…



  63.  #63Waterfall on November 5, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    In other news…

    Work is so super, super stressful.. I am working with the most souless people who just seem to be treating me like their lackey.

    They just click their fingers and I am supposed to come running. I feel so out of my depth.

    I am just exhausted all of the time…



  64.  #64Waterfall on November 5, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    I feel stressed and tense
    My shoulders are stiff
    I’m holding my breath
    My chest feels tight
    My neck is sore
    I feel all squashed together and crumpled
    I feel fat and over indulged
    I feel tightness in my legs
    I feel pains in my tummy
    I feel twitches

    I feel childish and I want to handle things like a grown up …

    I am soooo frustrated with myself I have been stuck this way for so long

    No-one respects me…

    I am always seen as the bad guys



  65.  #65Lilybelly on November 5, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    Isn’t it odd, how very challenging it can be, for our men to accept that we have off moments and days too?

    I don’t like to feel bad for feeling well…bad and have gotten so much better at distancing myself and caring for myself when J is feeling bad. I rarely, and this is honest, have days of being grumpy/crabby etc.. so when I do have an off moment, I think it really throws him. Its kind of funny when I think about it though. When I do feel off, I can’t hide it no matter how I try. All over my face it shows.. he reads me like a book.

    What I have asked for when something is bothering me is space. I have to have time to sort out what I am feeling so that I don’t react. That is really hard for him to do but its called processing..i need it. Pushing me to speak before I even know how or what I am feeling, is a recipe for yech. He has slowly been adopting that for himself too.



  66.  #66Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    Starla… You know what that reminds me of? Kids. Kids are not allowed to have a bad mood or an off day… Or they get in trouble for it. They are questioned as if they are t just like everyone else. Reading about that when my daughter was going through puberty totally changed my thoughts and perspective. Now my girls get space, understanding… Even mental health days off school. I’ll be their shoulder to cry on, there to make a favorite snack or take them shopping, etc. to cheer them up. Usually it’s something with friends or they just feel blah. I totally understand now what you are feeling. Hugs to you!!



  67.  #67Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    So today I went and got my hair cut, shopped for some new makeup and hair dye, started a diet, laughed with my kids, solidified plans for my girls night out tomorrow and heard from 3 guys. My intense one, my friend and someday. And someday is stepping up a bit… I’m pleasantly surprised. All three men have opened up to me in the last 24 hours… So I’m practicing being that safe place to share, without over sharing myself. I feel really good… Grounded… And honestly, didn’t think about Knight as much. Progress!!



  68.  #68Turquoise on November 5, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    Oh… And I sold $66 worth of candles I had on hand (I’m a Gold Canyon consultant) so now I have fun money for the weekend!!



  69.  #69Lovergirl on November 5, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    So the millionaire guy was supposed to come back into town tomorrow but he texted me tonight. I was disappointed and didn’t really know how to respond. I was kind of struggling with it because I didn’t want him to feel like he disappointed me, you know, but I didn’t want to be all “ok” when I was let down, and I didn’t want to make any “suggestions” about the future. So this is how the conversation went (after the initial greetings).

    Him: I am stuck here in Alabama. 🙁 Unfortunately I won’t be home until the middle of next week.

    Me: Aw, okay

    Him: This is horrible

    Me: You don’t like it there?

    Him: Heck no. And Alabama is playing LSU, so my hotel is noisy as hell….

    Well, that sucks!! :/ If the “quiet hours” are anything like the Sheraton here, I feel for you!! :/

    (when he was here the last time, he got a room at the Sheraton and they had a big sign posting the “quiet hours” and we were laughing because they had a band playing loudly in the lobby and some kind of happy hour going on during quiet time).

    Him: Lol! It’s crazy!!

    Me: I bet!

    Me: I’m disappointed I don’t get to see you, was looking forward to it! I know it just is what it is though. Hope your stay there gets better.

    Him: Me too! That was my highlight too…I’m so sad….

    Me: Aw, it makes me feel better to know that you are disappointed too, not that I want you to be sad! Lol I’m sure we will be extra happy to see each other the next time 😉

    Him: Heck yeah!!

    I know I’m over analyzing, lol. I just wondered if I should be the one trying to cheer him up or vice versa? It’s hard for me not to be the one trying to make it all better. :p



  70.  #70Lovergirl on November 5, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Oh and that was me that said that sucks, and the comment about the quiet hours.



  71.  #71Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    I just wanted to offer my own perspective on feeling bad and having an off day… because it happened to me this week.

    Over the course of the weekend, I WAY over-exhausted myself. If I am honest it started a few days before that, maybe even coming on gradually for a couple of weeks. I’d made new friends, met a new guy and I was saying yes to all these invitations and letting my alone time and my need for resting and nesting (including taking care of my home) go for a ball of chalk. Anyway I knew I was doing it but I carried on. By the weekend it had reached critical levels. I mean, I was walking through the shopping centre with B, traipsing along for the third or fourth hour, and I was on the verge of shouting at him that I NEED to sit down, I NEED to go home. By the time we got home I was on the verge of shouting at him that he needed to go and leave me alone. I had allowed my overstimulation to reach proportions that made me cranky to the point of aggressive. I managed to restrain myself but when he finally left I was able to feel within myself just how much I was in injury time. I promised myself that this week I would get some intense rest and recharge time but it didn’t quite work out like that, although it was certainly better. Point being, by Wednesday I was still almost weepy from being drained and BOOM. I was triggered and ended up behaving a little bit like a crazy person with B.

    This was a really great reminder for me about the paramount importance of self-care and not triggering myself unnecessarily, and the effect it can have on my relationships when I don’t take wonderful care of ME.



  72.  #72Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    Turquoise, your day sounds great 🙂



  73.  #73Sweetpea on November 5, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    Starla,

    RE: 56 & 58 – EXactly!

    This is what I’ve found:

    When I skip the blame and the “You’re not so perfect, either,” and instead go to, “You know what? You may be on to something. This is MY deal,” I find that we are both able to grow past it.

    And you know…
    I really should be celebrating, I guess. I’ve talked to some people my roomie works with, who are kind of like adopted kids of hers; they tell me that my perception of how she showed up is how she showed up for them, too. Yet, as I take responsibility for my own sh*t and don’t concern myself with her stuff, she seems to be healing, too.

    I feel grateful that we’re both learning and healing from this process. Even though it’s intense, it’s a blessing – a genuine blessing; and maybe even a little bit miraculous, too. But it shows me just how much this stuff works.

    I saw the Serenity Prayer redone on Facebook the other day:
    God grant me the serenity to change the things I can
    and the grace to accept that the thing I can change is me.

    That really summed it up for me and I was grateful for the reminder.

    I’ve been feeling unwell today and found I was dreading my roommate coming home. I was seriously feeling anxious. And then I just let it go and took a nap. I woke up to a message on my phone from her and my heart was pounding in my chest.

    I really just focused on what it is about me that’s coming up here and called her back. She walked in at almost that exact time and we talked and chatted and laughed. Yet I know, that had I stayed in that place of anxiety, things would have been weird and strained.

    Blame is a bad, bad thing – blaming ourselves, or blaming others. It leads to more weirdness.

    You’re absolutely right that whether or not we can say, “You are just as f’d up as I am,” if we look at it more as, “what can I learn from this?” it is so much more productive than blaming or being defensive – or any of that other sh*t.

    Thank you, My Friend, for being open and sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It helped me to really focus on what I needed to be focusing on.

    xoxox



  74.  #74Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    Lovergirl, about your question about trying to make him feel better, Rori says to respond using feeling messages, so ‘I feel so disappointed…it would feel so good to see you’ and to respond with soft listening cues like oohs and ahhs and ohhhs. That’s all a guy really needs from you. That feel word is really important, can’t stress that enough.



  75.  #75Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    Yay sweetpea, I just said things you probably world have said to me if we were switched but i am glad:-)

    It’s been a great day on the blog!



  76.  #76Starla on November 5, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    Thank you for your perspective, Indigo. It’s making me feel empowered to just claim the self care time and not give a darn what anyone thinks



  77.  #77Sweetpea on November 5, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    Waterfall,

    Hey!

    You are not the bad guy and you are NOT to blame.

    Here’s what I think:

    However we’re feeling – I felt like a teenager, you “feel like a child,” is the point in our life where the healing needs to occur to get us past it.

    My roomie helped me to realize that “being the victim” isn’t my fault – it’s a product of my dad and brother leaving me to deal with my mom’s death alone. Amazingly, although I’ve known her for eight or nine years now, she started questioning me about what had happened when my mom was sick and dying. Apparently I had never told her about my dad and brother moving away and abandoning me.

    I’ve talked with both of them about it and they both told me, “We wanted you to come with us.” Well, even at 17, there is no freakin’ way I was going to leave my mother to deal with dying on her own, but I accepted their excuses.

    The fact of the matter is this:
    What they did was not right – no matter how you cut it. Period. End all.

    There are all kinds of feelings that come up for me when I deny the excuses and just focus on how I felt. It doesn’t really matter that it was wrong, or that they have good excuses for it. I don’t necessarily need them to acknowledge that it was jacked up. All I need is to acknowledge that it was wrong and how much it has affected my life.

    So… my question for you is this:
    Can you pinpoint something that happened at the point of time in your life that you seem to keep replaying?

    Sending hugs and healing your way…



  78.  #78Indigo on November 5, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    Lovergirl 69,

    I think you are doing really well. I went through this thing more or less verbatim with Bush Boy a couple of times. What I learned:

    * It’s not your job to cheer him up. And he doesn’t necessarily want that, it can feel like smothering. Just let it be what it is.
    * The less you can say, the better.
    * You don’t need to “do” anything or express anything, this is just the observing phase of who he is.
    * Try to trust and have faith in him that if he wants to make something happen or see you, he will. (This last part is the hard part for me. This is where I feel so tempted to lean forward.)



  79.  #79Mandy on November 6, 2015 at 4:03 am

    SIRENS,

    I DID IT.

    J leaves today.

    I am free from the abuse!!!!!!

    And now I can have guests over and play hostess! 🙂



  80.  #80Starla on November 6, 2015 at 6:06 am

    Mandy, Rori says when we pick these guys, we often are ‘hiring’ them to beat us up. I feel so proud of you that you have come to the end of resonating with what he brought into your life. This is a day to celebrate how much you have transformed!



  81.  #81Lovergirl on November 6, 2015 at 6:52 am

    Thanks Starla, Indigo. Your responses were helpful. I was afraid of coming off as “mothering” and didn’t want to be like “poor baby” lol. I like that he was expressing sadness to me over it, but didn’t want him to be sad, haha. And I didn’t want to make him feel like he disappointed ME too much.



  82.  #82Lovergirl on November 6, 2015 at 7:18 am

    Mandy, yay you!!! That’s great news!



  83.  #83Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Waterfall,

    I need to point out that this whole pinpointing thing only works if we use it as a tool to pry ourselves out of being stuck in whatever role we’ve played in to. The trick is to acknowledge it, all the emotions around it and how WE really feel around it.

    Example:
    I just spent almost 2 years with my brother after nearly 25 years away from him. I fell right back into that role of, in essence, being the scapegoat. My family sees me as this rebellious person who follows the lead of others and gets myself into trouble. The only kind of “trouble” playing into this role has gotten me into is their disapproval.

    Because I wasn’t consciously aware of this though, I found that I fell right back into that, “Oh, I’m such a f**k up” mentality and it had a profound effect on my life. It’s been having a profound effect on my life since even before my mom died.

    The reality is this:
    My family has no idea who I really am. They only know who they expect me to be and I am in no way obligated to make them feel better about themselves by being someone other than who I am.

    So the key is for me to know who I am at the core of me and to not fall into the role of who I’m expected to be.

    I am not rebellious and incompetent in any way. I was far stronger at 17 than either my brother or my dad were, even thought they were older and supposedly wiser than I. I am strong. I’m a survivor (not a victim). I am competent. I’m not their scapegoat.

    What they did by leaving me to deal with my mother’s death on my own, at a time when I wasn’t mentally, emotionally, or psychologically mature enough to handle it, was their bad. They don’t get to treat me as if I did something wrong and I need them to take care of me. I took care of myself then and I can sure as hell take care of myself now. There is nothing rebellious or incompetent about that. I can’t let their guilt for doing something they make excuses about and refuse to acknowledge, influence the role I play with them. That only serves to hurt me further and allow the cycle to continue.

    Does this make sense?



  84.  #84Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Mandy,

    I agree with Starla in #80. Yay you! Do something sweet for yourself to celebrate!



  85.  #85Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Starla @ 75 – -lol. Perhaps.

    I’m way behind on what’s going on in your world, Lady, but it sounds like some congratulations are in order. You’re getting married?

    Who’s the lucky guy? Did you end up with the school teacher guy?

    Catch me up!



  86.  #86Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Now, back to the subject of this post…
    I just signed up and watched the video for the trainings. This looks amazing! Thank you for sharing Rori!



  87.  #87Starla on November 6, 2015 at 11:25 am

    sweetpea omg, no, the teacher (QZ) ended up being a terrible partner, unfortunately! I mean, really, really, really, really incapable of what it takes to be in a relationship. I don’t even know what happened to him. He ended up really losing it over and over and hanging up on me, shutting off his phone for hours when I was being admitted to the hospital for complications from the IUD we decided together to get inserted. If my tone was even a little unsweet, he would hang up and shut off his phone. He lived an hour away so I was powerless. My tone was NOT sweet, but I was losing blood and suffering an infection that required major intervention, and he kept promising to be there to help me but never showed. Last I said to him was we should take a 2 week break so I can heal from this health problem i’m having, because it was all really stressing me out, and he said okay good idea, and then two weeks later neither of us contacted the other. We never spoke again and I have never run into him. After being convinced we were soul mates. After so much we went through… lol

    I think the way he abandoned me in my deep time of need and then tried to blame it on my “tone” has caused problems in my current relationship. If I see the way I am speaking to my current guy is not pleasing him and he gets defensive on the basis of that, I really dig into that. I am like “I have to say everything perfectly or else you use it as an excuse not to address what’s bothering me!” It’s super triggering for me and I hate it and I secretly feel like I’m abandoned in the hospital alone all over again because I didn’t watch my tone. But my current guy doesn’t just abandon me in my times of need just because he doesn’t like my attitude. In fact, we got in some funky tiff last week and he still had dinner waiting for me as promised, even though he was so mad and ready to fight me as soon as I got home to eat it, haha. I had honestly expected he wouldn’t have done a thing for me. My sense of what to expect from people is warped and doesn’t seem to apply to my man, but it is so hard not to expect anything else. My mother and then QZ who at the time was the love of my life both constantly revoked the support they offered me if they didn’t like my tone. So I am trying to really internalize that my current guy isn’t like that, and that his not liking my tone or attitude does not mean total abandonment is certain to come.



  88.  #88Indigo on November 6, 2015 at 11:42 am

    Starla,

    I know exactly what you mean. I was raised to be “perfect” in every way, but especially in the realm of being polite and courteous and not causing a moment’s distress to others because of my mood or tone. I was punished for having an off day many, many, many times growing up. Did this ever eradicate my off days? Of course not, it just made me absolutely terrified of any day when I was feeling sub-par, for fear that my mood would leak out in some way onto the people around me and they would punish or reject me for it. Yes, this punishment growing up did nothing to help me cope with my moods or feelings, all it did was make me scared of them, which is something I still struggle with to this day. Every bit of handling my moods, triggers or negative emotions and every coping mechanism I have had to teach myself.

    For a while I attracted guys who would also punish me for being anything other than super sweet – much the same as the way I used to punish myself. I used to be very hard on myself but I saw that that actually does nothing to help me cope with what is already a difficult scenario for me. I try to really be as kind and merciful with myself as possible, but I don’t always succeed in this. But I am trying. I try to have a much more “take it or leave it” attitude when it comes to my mood and way of dealing with things these days. I really really do try to give myself the self-care and the time out that I need, because everyone benefits. I also want to get to the point where I give myself the freedom to just express myself, and as long as it’s not attacking or hurtful, to just let it be what it is, and as long as I’m being basically kind to just let the chips fall where they may.



  89.  #89Starla on November 6, 2015 at 11:47 am

    Indigo, thank you so much for opening up to me about your background around this.

    You so know what I go through.

    Honestly I don’t think he really gives a darn if I am cranky or in a bad mood… I think he worries that it means we will get into a conflict and so he acts a little funny, but I don’t think it changes his opinion of me. However, I get terrified my short tone or bad mood does put me on the chopping block, and then I act really weird and even crankier, and then next thing you know, we’re in a fight or we’re bickering…



  90.  #90Starla on November 6, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    We actually got into it this morning and I ended up feeling terrified that if I didn’t reach out to fix it after he went to work, that he would end our relationship. This is a funny thing to feel when you’re feeling pretty ticked off and just want some time and space to be ticked off and let that feeling run its course. I often don’t let my anger run its course because after the initial rush and high of the anger wears off, I just get terrified that I am about to be dumped. Today it occurred to me that maybe I could verify with him if he is going to dump me for not reaching out to fix our discord because i’m upset and just need to be ticked off and frustrated without feeling like that means certain death of our relationship. He answered in a way that felt like such a huge relief. He is not crazy like my mother or like silly QZ.

    If I can come to internalize that it’s okay to be ticked off and it doesn’t mean the end, so much will improve in my relationship. I can’t seem to convince myself, though, when my instincts are screaming at me that I better do something to fix it or else. Hearing it from him really helps and completely interrupts the urgent danger feelings I get. Now I feel like I can just be ticked off until I’m not, and then we’ll be back to business as usual.

    I love my anger and feelings and want to honor them. I hate that I feel like they are not allowed and a big problem and a reason to be dumped.



  91.  #91Millie on November 6, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Ladies I’ve been talking to a new guy from online, who so far seems pretty amazing! I feel really good talking to him! We are supposed to meet on Sunday!! I’m very excited!!



  92.  #92Millie on November 6, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    Starla 90 I love this!

    When I learn that it’s ok to be angry and it doesn’t mean the end…



  93.  #93Starla on November 6, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    🙂 Hi Millie

    Oh ladies, I am just tired. I am constantly on this rollercoaster in my head. I very rarely relax. Everything feels threatening. Everything I can do to cope or transform also feels threatening in its own way. Everything is on this premise that I am effed up, so that’s why I do good things (to counter being effed up) or that’s why I do bad things (because i’m effed up). I want to just be a person, not a walking trauma case. I have come to hate my life because this is the soundtrack. Nothing feels safe, I work so hard at changing myself and my life for the better and am doing all the right things I should be doing to make that happen, but I feel like I can never really appreciate that about myself, because it’s not perfect, because sometimes I slip, because sometimes I give him grief, because sometimes I will have a panic attack and he’ll witness it, because I’m just a freak who will never be okay 🙁

    I want to feel safe.
    I wonder what safe even feels like.
    I wish g*d would hear my prayers.



  94.  #94Mandy on November 6, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Starla, Lovergirl, Sweetpea,

    I chose him because the feeling of a man’s energy coming towards me felt weird and icky, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the attention, so J felt “safe” because he was so aloof.

    Well, aloof isn’t what I need in a partner, I need warmth, so I’m practicing every day with my CDs who feel “warm”. 🙂



  95.  #95Mandy on November 6, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    PS – Starla –

    Valentine is my Dom. Circular Dating while having this going on produces some good play sessions, lol. But yes, I know I’ve truly submitted with total conviction and trust with a kind and warm man, and yet we can go days without speaking and come back like no time had passed.

    Valentine had worked as a pro Dom in Los Angeles before coming to my city. Neither of us want a “vanilla” relationship (meaning no boyfriend/girlfriend.) This seems to suit me so well right now I am very happy. Even if I have to wait to see him, it’s not like with J. I feel his urgency towards me. I feel him wanting me, and I feel him not holding back.

    And the CDing with others, you see in my city, it works like such a tiny town that everyone knows everyone so if you’re doing some light CDing, everyone will notice including the other men you CD with, lol. It’s a pretty darn powerful tool when men notice men want you.



  96.  #96Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    Starla,

    Oh wow, Girl! I had no idea and am so sorry to hear about QZ and what you had to go through on your own. I can totally see how this would play into your feelings of fear with your current guy (as well as, of course, the stuff with your mom, which I remember from prior conversations).

    Girl, we are all effed up. We all do stuff because we are effed up. All of us have undergone trauma in our lives – some of us just undergo more than others. I don’t know if this is because we are super strong, or if it’s because our preconceived notions invite it, or if it’s a combination thereof.

    What I do know – to the depths of my soul – is that the sh*t we’ve gone through in our lives has made us who we are. Effed up or not, you are an absolutely beautiful soul.

    Can you accept that your effed-upedness makes you even more of who you are?

    Can you accept that effed-up or not, you are still worthy of love – and the fact that you never felt that love from your mom has absolutely everything to do with her, and nothing to do with you or how “lovable” you are?

    You are strong, you are capable, you are completely and utterly lovable.

    I’m happy to read that you’ve given yourself permission to just be ticked off and not worry about whether or not you’ll be abandoned because of it. This is a huge obstacle for many women, I believe. As women, we’ve been totally socially programmed to deal in an effed up way with our anger.

    I’ve been reading a book called, “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, Ph.d. In it, she addresses this conundrum of not feeling able to express anger, as a woman, without being perceived as a joke, or as a shrew – one or the other. Have you read, or heard about it?

    I know it’s helped me in a lot of ways – in navigating this challenging situation I found myself in – and in realizing that my anger is a source of just helping me to realize my boundaries. It’s helped me to embrace my anger, not as something that makes me weak, but as something that helps me to be more in touch with who I am; with what I want and what is not ok for me.

    I wonder if it would help you in any way to completely heal from this fear of being angry (i.e. unreasonable – that’s how so many of us have been trained to identify anger).



  97.  #97Sweetpea on November 6, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Mandy,

    I read the 50 Shades books and loved them. The movie, on the other hand, sucked.

    I can see how it could be a form of healing for both parties and applaud you in being able to overcome your fears of stepping outside “social norms.”

    I have mixed feelings on the whole S&M thing, but support you completely in your healing, in whatever manner works for you.



  98.  #98Waterfall on November 6, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    Starla,

    I agree with what Sweatpea is saying to you about women’s own image of expressing anger, as being negative in some way.. and maybe embracing your anger. It is yours after all…

    A few years ago when I was having a stressful situation at work and at home I bought some children’s books on Anger Management, and I would strongly recommend them too.

    Like Sweatpea says, it’s a way of finding who you are and what your boundaries are. In a way I see it as standing up for yourself and your feelings. It’s not necessarily for others, but more for yourself.

    ie If this situation upsets me, then how could I handle it? What can I do to make a difference…

    Haha!! That leads me on to work.. hehe because in a way I do not practise what I preach. I am ULTRA BAD at that!! I am full of theories and hypothesis but rarely do I put it all into practise…

    Well todays I decided to do something I have never done before. I called a meeting with my main, main BIG boss and basically all the meeting was for was for me to rant at him.

    At one time I would have been so scared for him to see me in that light. I would have pretended and pretended that everything was alright. I know this is what I do..

    A few weeks previously I had had a meeting with another boss and more or less glossed over everything, then a few days later something tipped me over the edge and for the first time ever I wrote a long ranty email to him to tell him what a shit situation I was working in and how there was very little structure and no support etc.

    The next days he saw a colleague of mine and asked her if I was okay? He said he was confused because he’d seen me one day and I was fine, and then the next days had received this distressed email from me.

    This is what I mean about how I hide things from people… my fear etc…

    Anyway, today I met with my big, big main boss. I knew that I just wanted to let off steam and I was worried about it all day – but in the end I went into the meeting and I just let go. I just told the truth.

    I know I have been working hard. I knew I needed to give him my opinion of the work situation…

    All I felt was that I didn’t know what the outcome of the meeting would be, but it was a step in the direction of me saying “this is how I feel…” (and thinking to myself why should I take this cr@p, no-one else would…”

    I truly don’t know what he thought. My stomach has been knotted all evening now because of it, and I generally feel like this every Fri night…

    Starla – I am always afraid too. I truly don’t know if this will EVER go from me…

    Over the last few years I have been left heartbroken by no less than 4 men. And all back to back with each other…

    The first was a man at work who I had the MOST horrendous experience with. I didn’t know about Rori then – but I can tell you it’s scared me for life…

    The next was my ex-boyfriend from my teenage years. Again I won’t go into detail but needless to say he left me feeling like a nobody – he went from desperately wanting to see me to being extremely rude to me and then to never contacting me again. It left me feeling “Why me??” It was awful…

    Then there was a man who I thought I was so suited to and we only had a brief fling of a night or so, but even to this day I have not got over him. He is still in my circle of friends and he NEVER EVER acknowledges me, it is one of the most painful experiences I have had to deal with…

    Anyway, work too… I fear showing ANY emotions… I feel so jinxed all the time… Various things have happened to me over the years where I’ve been the scapegoat for unscrupulous work colleagues.

    I have been left battered and bruised and with almost NO confidence… Just thinking about it causes a knot in my stomach and a tension in my chest.

    I can’t tell you but it’s hard to live like this…

    I just wanted to share and let you know that suffering from anger does not make you strange. It’s a life time of learned experience, and whether you can change it or not who knows… I just want you to know you are not alone in your struggle..



  99.  #99Waterfall on November 6, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Currently, I am working with a female colleague who is as dry as dry and just seems to “look down” on everything I do…

    I feel so inferior to her. There is something about her that is extremely astute and precise and she is always correcting me or looking at me like I am some mad person waffling on. She NEVER responds to me in what i would call a normal way, she just glosses over.

    She is the PO of the project that I am working on but I hardly ever see her and when I do she just tells me “We need this, this and this from you…” and that’s it!!

    She NEVER asks me how I am getting on, if there’s anything I need, how long I need to do something, etc, etc… She just seems so distant and aloof all the time… I don’t think she likes me for some reason, though I have tried to be friends with her..

    I think she just sees me as stupid, and I feel stupid around her.

    Her emails are always dry and businesses like and mine are always warm, friendly and fun.

    I arranged a meeting yesterday with her and another colleague to assertion some business requirements for a design I am working on. This guy was really warm and friendly towards me and I managed to get to the bottom of the requirements. She seemed totally aghast at this and almost like it was making her prickle.

    I think we just work differently, but I know my problem is is that I feel incredibly guilty that she doesn’t like me. My confidence feels so low… I feel and worry that I always come across as a bit pathetic and to sickly sweet with everybody..

    Pft.. I feel very overwhelmed and confused today…



  100.  #100Waterfall on November 6, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    Also, what I am trying to say is even if I was AMAZINGLY happy, I still would NOT be able to admit it, or dare to talk about it openly. I would still talk about negative stuff.

    I really get angry at myself for this.
    I wish I could change!

    I feel trapped at times…



  101.  #101Lilybelly on November 6, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Sweetpea!!

    I’m applauding your post to our sweet Starla. We are all effed up in some way, past traumas that we haven’t healed yet or are feel too fearful to even attempt to heal but yet, here we are. Doing our d@mndest to come out on top.

    We weren’t taught to love ourselves, at least, I wasn’t. I was loved growing up with my Father and still am. I don’t ever recall him telling me to take care of me, you know, my heart, my precious heart and to be careful with it. I wish he had., maybe I wouldn’t be quiet the mess I am and certainlt, not his fault. We all do the best we can at the time. I know so much more now and getting here was tough and rough and super painful and I have so much farther to go. Still kicking. Lol.. Isn’t a little step forward each day good?

    I am hugging you and Starla.



  102.  #102Lilybelly on November 6, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Turq,

    Good on you for tsking such sweet care of you.



  103.  #103Lilybelly on November 6, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    T-girl,

    How is your hubby feeling?



  104.  #104Lilybelly on November 6, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    (((Waterfall)))



  105.  #105Indigo on November 6, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    Starla 93,

    I have been having those same thoughts this week. These are the times when I’m glad I’m not in my forever committed relationship because I want to be calmer and more content when I’m with my beloved one day, and I want the freedom to be able to take time to myself to just cocoon and hermit and look after myself.

    It puts me in mind of when I was in high school, and my brain felt like there was a civil war going on inside it. Obviously things are much better and less intense than back then, in fact I have long periods of time where I feel happy and carefree. I wonder though if these looping thoughts and insecurities really ever leave us for good… I think they just lessen in frequency and intensity over time. What I learned back when I was in high school was that the best is not to fight the thoughts, and not to battle against they way you are. Just go with them, go with what you need, let it be. Find comfort in knowing that you are allowed to be you. I know that I am a unique combination of qualities and desires, one that people are unlikely to meet anywhere else, and I’m sure you are too, and that in itself can be overwhelming… You feel like you somehow have to blend in or be the same as other people, but you don’t.

    I’ve decided that I’m just going to be me, and you know what… like it, love it, leave it. It feels great to be me.



  106.  #106Sweetpea on November 7, 2015 at 12:54 pm

    Lilybelly @ 101,

    Thank you for the applause. Lol 😉

    Thanks even more for the hug. Feeling supported and affirmed is great! Thank you!



  107.  #107Sweetpea on November 7, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    @ Waterfall,

    Why would you not be able to admit that you’re amazingly happy?

    What is the force behind that negativity you’re beating yourself up for?

    Thank you for your support of me in what I said to Starla and for sharing your story.

    Are you feeling better about the conversation you had with your boss?

    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today about why I choose to downplay myself and why I feel inherently unworthy and undervalued. I suspect, from what you shared, that you have similar feelings.

    I feel distrust of people in general, and through some deep soul-searching, discovered that a lot of that stems from not trusting myself.

    Some of the distrust stems from the way I was treated growing up. My brother was the “Little Perfect;” he could do no wrong (my older brother, mind you, so our roles are reversed from the norm). I was seen as the rebel; the follower who wasn’t self-aware enough to know my own mind.

    Yet when I looked deeper at this, my brother was excused when he made the same mistakes I did. It was okay for him to get in fights. It was okay for him to play sports. It was okay for him to listen to whatever music he wanted.

    I, on the other hand, was completely under my parents’ thumb. So why was it okay for him to do all of this stuff, but not for me?

    Answer: It really doesn’t matter why. The fact is that it was. I think this is pretty common in our society for boys to get a “free pass.” “Boys will be boys,” after all. But as girls, there’s a completely different bar for us to stand up to.

    Just acknowledging this today, and acknowledging that I don’t have to continue playing into the role of “rebellious follower who can’t possibly know what I want,” has brought me a lot of healing today.

    This is why I ask you, Dear Waterfall, where is this feeling of not being able to acknowledge happiness in your life stemming from? I suspect the answer to that question will bring you some healing, as well.

    Sending love. xoxox



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