A Great Article For Expressing Love

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rachelNewThis is so great – I wish I’d written it…:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/six-words-you-should-say-today_b_3863643.html

“I love watching you…”

 

You can find Rachel Mary Stafford at http://www.handsfreemama.com/

Love, Rori

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198 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 5, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Gosh I was just reading something similar on the Internet.



  2.  #2LoveAlways on May 5, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Beautiful article!



  3.  #3LoveAlways on May 5, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Rachel’s post about fireflies was moving



  4.  #4Mercedes on May 5, 2014 at 8:54 am

    I am feeling so incredibly blessed today! I had the most amazing weekend and feel so, so good about all the wonderful, positive, beautiful people in my life.

    There is much negativity in the world today and I am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the opposite of that! Thank you to everyone who makes my life a wonderful place to be…and that includes the friends I’ve made here….Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  5.  #5Mandy on May 5, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    well ladies….

    I got over my fear, and decided it was high time that if I’m calling shots with the money in the household, I decide what happens with it. So I decided J would not be drinking anymore hard liquor in this household, and we would taper him off of it with beer, as he has been doing it for more than a month every day. He has been in great spirits. We have been to so many doc appts that it’s taking up all my time but it’s worth it.

    I have to say I feel way way on edge, feeling I might get some bad news about his liver. The liver panel he got says his liver enzymes are up (obviously from alcoholism.)

    Well it was the greatest fear I’ve ever had in a relationship, worse than cheating…that he might be quite sick. I was so afraid he’d leave me if I didn’t give him what he wanted. SO ass-backwards, and I am thinking to myself how did I keep complacent about it for so long and WHY?

    But for now I’m trying to keep myself above water, getting enough sleep, exercise, food, water and meds on time, and making my own phone calls for my own meds and business, like right now, when J is asleep.

    I really feel like I’ve stepped up and done something big here. It’s not over, but it’s a start and with the local hel center for people like J down the street will give him things to do, and he will go to vocational rehabilitation with me to look for employment.

    AWESOME * AWESOME *AWESOME….

    ( I rock, just sayin’. πŸ™‚ )



  6.  #6Dominique on May 5, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Mandy – You DO rock. πŸ™‚

    xxoo



  7.  #7Mercedes on May 5, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Yes Mandy…you DO! I love this taking care of yourself part…it’s the most important EVER!

    “But for now I’m trying to keep myself above water, getting enough sleep, exercise, food, water and meds on time, and making my own phone calls for my own meds and business”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  8.  #8Cupcake on May 5, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Hey, Sirens,

    I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

    πŸ™‚

    I feel so excited! Today I got the formal offer letter.

    It means that I can stay in New City, and that I will be in an environment with absolutely beautiful objects around (my interview was at a Chippendale table and chairs, with original Impressionist paintings on the wall), meeting very successful and influential people from all over the world.

    I’m doing a Snoopy dance!

    Cupcake



  9.  #9Femininewoman on May 5, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Yayyy Cupcake!! Congrats πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚



  10.  #10Liquid Light on May 5, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    I don’t get this post!! oh well….

    Congrats Cupcake!!! that is so awesome!!!!



  11.  #11Dominique on May 5, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    HUGE YAY!!! Cupcake.

    xxoo



  12.  #12Mercedes on May 5, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Very happy for you Cupcake!!! πŸ™‚ And I love that name!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  13.  #13Meg on May 5, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    I have no love success story. I just need someone to listen and to care… Been clinging onto a dead relationship for a while. He’s finally said he’s done.

    Whelp here comes the heart break for real. Pretty sure this relationship is not salvageable. He wants out. I sadly keep begging him to stay, begging begging begging…. I feel so low and ashamed. I could use some advice as it appears tomorrow I will be single

    I feel sad beyond measure, lonely, and scared.



  14.  #14HeartBrokenMEG on May 5, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    No expressing love for me. Just moving on I guess. Just sad. Been clinging onto a dead relationship for a while. He’s done. He told me today he’s tapped out. Cold, distant. Why the heck did I sell my condo and furniture to be left with

    Pretty sure this relationship is not salvageable… I sadly keep begging him to stay, begging begging begging…. I feel so low and ashamed. I could use some advice as it appears tomorrow I will be single and homeless.

    Feel so low and lost, sad, suuuuper scared.

    I know I deserve more. I deserve someone to love me and so on. Just can’t get beyond this

    Ugh πŸ™



  15.  #15Helena Hart on May 5, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Meg – 13 – So sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time right now! Let me know if you’d like to talk, if you need some guidance or just someone to listen. You can contact me through my website.

    Love, Helena



  16.  #16Veronica on May 5, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    I read this article and strangely feel proud of my love – I don’t know what the connection is but I’m glad it happened.



  17.  #17Veronica on May 5, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Cupcake – Congratulations! Yay!



  18.  #18Mandy on May 5, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Thanks Mercedes and Dominique. I think things shall improve from here. I wanna take my Siren bubble bath now πŸ™‚

    Love, Mandy



  19.  #19Indigo on May 5, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    ((((Meg))))

    I am sorry you are so heartbroken.

    Maybe try and comfort yourself with the knowledge that everything can change in a heartbeat, and you will not be in this place forever.



  20.  #20Emerson on May 5, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Hello sirens
    Well a strange and unexpected turn of events has brought me back to a couple of articles back…when he’s not in a good place…
    This is exoticcd right now
    Doesn’t affect me much
    Just interesting to learn he’s been I. A bad place
    I feel compassion
    I also don’t feel attracted at all



  21.  #21Daria on May 5, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    feeling so disapoointed….

    noticed myself holding my crying in

    an dnow my tummy feels heavy



  22.  #22Daria on May 5, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Yay Cupcake! πŸ™‚



  23.  #23Mandy on May 6, 2014 at 2:34 am

    Nice luxurious bath I just had before bedtime πŸ™‚ That was good πŸ™‚



  24.  #24Linda on May 6, 2014 at 3:59 am

    This was posted on the last thread. In my life I have found it to be so true.

    β€œWhen someone shows you who they are… believe them the first time”

    Boy its sooo true.



  25.  #25Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 4:27 am

    Yay Cupcake!!
    The job sounds AMAzing!!
    Congrats!



  26.  #26Linda on May 6, 2014 at 4:59 am

    I love this article. I get it.!!

    My youngest daughter was in ballet, show choir, musicals in high school. I LOVED watching her. I cried when that season in her life was complete. I used to tell her “I am your biggest fan” !!!

    Yesterday she went with me to get a new puppy. I was in the car quickly eating a hamburger on our journey back and she took my dog out into the grass and knelt down elbows and arms extended… patting the grass calling my pup. At that moment I saw my 24 year old daughter beaming!!! THe little girl I had raised was right before my eyes at that moment with my puppy. It was as if she was 8 years old again and I loved watching her !

    Lifes is filled with moments of beauty !!



  27.  #27Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 5:27 am

    Indigo and LL
    (((hugs)))
    I feel so supported by your comments about ME taking care of MYself through this last month with KS…
    Sooo different from how I used to handle this sort of thing!! :-}



  28.  #28Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 5:30 am

    Hi Daria,
    (((hugs)))
    Be gentle with yourself during this disappointment.



  29.  #29Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 5:36 am

    I do LOVE this article…
    I have studied the HighScope method of preschool teaching and this kind of praise is some of what they advocate…
    “I love to watch you hold the roly poly bugs so gently in your hands”
    Children find this praise more believable
    as it is much more directed and specific.
    A great reminder that my grown children (and people in general) still like to hear this kind of praise.
    :->



  30.  #30Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Hello Iamhis….
    welcome back to siren island! :-}
    As you know… Sooo much gentle, kind, sharing and support here…

    I am always sooo grateful for the time and thoughtful effort everyone takes on this blog.



  31.  #31Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 5:58 am

    Hi Meg,
    I feel compassion for what you are going through…
    I have found
    What has worked for me…
    if you gently, warmly feel all of these feelings down deep in your tummy and
    Love Your begging
    Love your Shame
    Love Your Unworthiness
    LOVE All of YOU…



  32.  #32BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Thank you Azure Blu

    Thx for your reply. I am so grateful for you all here.

    I feel stronger today. Weird. I’m not gonna beg anymore. I will find a place to live and move on. I am ashamed at my begging.

    I deserve so much better. It’s been too much work, coldness, and distance trying to get him to love me again.



  33.  #33BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Hi Indigo

    Thanks. Just want to end this and get into a new place. I’m a teacher…. School ends soon. Just need summer to heal, cry, and move on.

    Gotta keep telling myself I’m worthy of love and being treated well.

    Maybe you’re right, things can change quickly. Hopefully my broken heart will heal quickly.

    Meg



  34.  #34BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Hi Helena

    I would love to talk. What I feel the most is sadness, being lost. I just need some input as to what to do, how to move on, how to make myself stop suffering and begging.

    Thanks. Meg



  35.  #35Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Hi Veronica 16…
    Ohhh… I love what you are saying
    We can praise OURselves this way also…

    Azure “I love to watch You be loving to your Mom by taking the time to visit her and
    carefully listen to her when she talks”

    Azure “I love to watch you take such good care of YOURself by doing your work with your J Michaels DVDs”
    Mmmmm… that feels different… ;-+



  36.  #36Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Oooops maybe my last comment was from the other article by Rachel
    “6 Words You should say today”…
    anyway both were good insights from her..
    :-}}



  37.  #37PixyStix on May 6, 2014 at 7:04 am

    (((meg)))

    You came to the right place. I have a strong feeling life is going to get amazing for you. Maybe you don’t realize it, or maybe you do…You have started on a journey here. Azure hit it on the head…The very first step is painting all of your feelings with love. It was and is a very important practice to me, that’s for sure. ALL of you is worthy of love. Even the parts you would rather didn’t “come up”.

    You can take this one step at a time, and transform the way you see yourself and relate to yourself and your life.

    Love <3



  38.  #38PixyStix on May 6, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Meg, continued…

    It will transform all aspects of your life. That includes your romantic love life. Although we are on a website dedicated to romantic love…I don’t personally see that as THE most important aspect. Your relationship with you comes in at the top of the list.

    Everything else trickles down (and sometimes overflows!) from there.



  39.  #39PixyStix on May 6, 2014 at 7:21 am

    I want my relationship with myself to be what it is at any given moment, and feel acceptance and love for whatever it feels like. I find my romantic relationship is most definitely a mirror of my relationship with myself. Which is also romantic, in many ways…

    I see my partner as a whole and individual person with his own feelings and moods and yet…The dance, the vibe of the relationship seems to be dtermined by my own inner dances. Feels very intriguing. I would love to explore this further, as it happens in the moment. Note to self…Pay attention.



  40.  #40Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 7:42 am

    brokenhartmeg 32
    Don’t feel too bad about your begging…
    You are in good company…
    I myself begged for BKs love for over a year (and other bf and ex’s before him)…
    during this time I had found Rori and her tools and baby step by baby step
    began figuring out what MY feelings were
    Accepting MY feelings NO matter what they were
    Which led to Me Loving ME!!! ohhhh what an amazing thing that is…
    And ME loving ME
    led to less begging and
    The belief that Azure deserved MORE than
    Crumbs in a relationship!!!

    Yes, Rori’s coaches are Great help too…
    and read and participate on the blog



  41.  #41Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 8:01 am

    I so agree Azure Blu # 40.

    I tripped and stumbled all over myself trying to follow “him”, and on my knees, begging for his love, saw only the shadow of his heels as he walked away…

    and stuck on the floor, bruised shins and wounded heart, let the tears cleanse the grime from the mirror of my soul,

    and finally, finally without the distraction of his presence began to hear a whisper, faint at first, til I turned toward it with empathy.

    It was me. All along I’d been begging myself for love. All along I’d been ignoring the plea.

    When I turned toward that cry, made THAT voice the most important one to attend to, my whole world shifted.



  42.  #42Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Hi Pixie
    Sooooo True….
    “Your relationship with YOU comes in at the top of the list.
    Everything else trickles down (and sometimes overflows!) from there.”

    One example where the “trickle down” theory actually works… ;-0



  43.  #43Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Hi Andrea….
    OHhhhh…. your soft, gentle, flowing poetry has brought happy tears to my eyes…
    “let the tears cleanse the grime from the mirror of my soul,
    …and finally, finally without the distraction of his presence
    began to hear a whisper,
    faint at first,
    til I turned toward it with empathy.
    It was ME….”

    I choose YOU, Azure!!!
    You soft, delicate, beautiful, strong Goddess of MY soul…
    I CHOOSE YOU!!!



  44.  #44Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 8:17 am

    Meg, I got this from Mimi Tanner. Thought I’d share

    “It’s tough to know what to do when your boyfriend says he wants to have some “time apart” – and even tougher if you’re in a marriage that is having difficulty.

    At the most emotional of times, you don’t want to take action in a surge of emotion. You want to think with a clear head.

    Your enemy is fear – fear of losing him. Fear is the opposite of empowerment. It’s time to stop and think about how valuable you are – which has a lot to do with why you are together with him in the first place.

    Try to get some distance from the situation. Think with a clear head.

    He won’t get farther away from you while you’re taking your time to think. (If he does, then it was already a lost cause, and entirely his loss!)

    When you’re taking some distance, he’s more likely to get closer to you – and to start missing you and remembering the best things about you.

    So In your own mind, make your plans. First, become okay about the idea of not being with him – and think about how you will move ahead if that happens.

    You won’t fall apart, by any means.

    Don’t try to talk a man out of leaving.

    Tell him you agree that some time apart might be really helpful. That’s probably what he’s NOT expecting you to say.

    And it’s true – a break can be a great way to clear your mind.

    Don’t get wrapped up in an endless discussion with him at this point.

    Instead, show him – with very few words – that you can move on with your life if he wants out.

    This kind of response puts things into perspective for a man sometimes. Does he REALLY want to lose you??

    Debating a breakup is like playing tug of war with your relationship.

    If you let go, he will lose his balance unexpectedly.

    That will cause him to think about whether he REALLY wants to lose you forever.”



  45.  #45Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Meg also remember he cannot love desperation and begging. If you look at it through his eyes you will see for yourself that it looks pathetic. He absolutely cannot find that attractive.

    Best thing for you to do is join a gym while you are looking for an apartment. Work on getting a better figure, his mind will tell him you are getting ready for another man. You also need to try and at least think about getting ready for your man. Whoever it is. This can help change your vibe.



  46.  #46Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Another response from Mimi to a married woman

    “YOU – please focus on you. Seem a bit relieved. That will rattle his cage. Get in great physical shape if you’re not already. Change your look a little. Think about YOUR new life and mention this to him as though he’s already got one foot out the door (and another on that banana peel). “



  47.  #47Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Okay! Lovely Ladies of the Siren persuasion!! Please help. : )

    So, Tinder did not work for me because there were no men in my rural area. But I found a new site: Plenty of Fish. whew… woot woot…

    Hundreds of me in my area. I am inundated with “matches”.

    So, I do understand that there is that whole… like eachother’s posts.. then he emails me.. then there’s the whole getting to know each other via email and text… ugh ugh ugh.

    I feel so impatient and so distracted and I SO do NOT want to sit at my computer all day. So, how is this for a sireny.. non-chasey… script to get these boys to ASK ME OUT, instead of sitting around emailing and texting.

    “I feel kind of pushy and I don’t want to feel this way. But I feel a connection with you and I’m scared to lose it simply due to the fact that I’m tired of typing so much. I feel so much more happy and engaged in a face to face conversation. What do you think?”

    Do any of you have any other ideas?



  48.  #48Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 8:53 am

    More from Mimi
    “But when it comes to a ROMANCE, or what WAS a romance…

    …disdainful treatment is as bad as it gets.

    He’s also distancing himself from you by basically saying “Go Away.”

    But there’s an old saying… and it’s the key to what to do here:

    “Be careful what you wish for.”

    He thinks he doesn’t want you. He acts like he wants you to go away.

    So that’s exactly what you have to do here – you have to GIVE the man what he clearly wants (or thinks he wants)…

    … because having you around feeds his ego. He may THINK he doesn’t want you, but his knowledge that you’re there, and that you want him…

    … is part of his comfort zone, my dear!

    So what you have to do here is change things up.

    Don’t be there for him any more.

    Make him come after you next time.

    I know what you’re thinking: what if he doesn’t come after me??

    It may take a while, but if there is any spark, I believe he will come after you.

    A very important part of this process is having the FAITH that he will.

    And if you don’t have that faith, hold on anyway, because you’ll see that he WILL be contacting you…

    … but only when you back off. “



  49.  #49Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Andrea scared is not an emotion I would put out there so early. Also what are you scared of losing? You don’t have him.

    Also feel a connection? I dunno.

    It all seems too heavy too soon to me.



  50.  #50Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 9:05 am

    FW… #44 & 48
    I don’t know… it’s just me… but
    these Mimi quotes are feeling
    too much like manipulation
    and Gimmicky

    not the Rori tools that are more sireny…
    Circular Dating to find out more about Yourself…
    Practicing interacting with men…
    learning Your triggers,
    Your boundaries,
    what You like
    and Don’t like…



  51.  #51Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Ahhh… okay okay… good stuff FW.

    I did write that to one man who has been messaging me back and forth these past few days. I just feel irritated this morning, so I wrote that.

    He just messaged back: “Are you interested in a physical thing? Because I can be very affectionate.”

    huh? So I realized that the message above is, I think, too aggressive and yes, makes me seem kind of.. “starved for attention”.

    I think that equates to “wants sex” in some men’s mind.

    I messaged him back, “Oh, I feel that my message before does make me seem pushy. I feel strange about being asked that question. How would I know if I want a physical (I take it you mean sexual) interaction with you if we haven’t even met face to face yet? I don’t express my sexuality unless I feel comfortable, safe, loved, adored, and cherished by a man I can trust and respect and a man that I know. I feel misunderstood. I feel sad.”

    He messaged me back right away.. different things, but I’m bored now. I’ve already told him that I feel ugh about typing anymore and I’ve already given him my phone number, after he gave me his. So, another rule I’m setting for myself is that once a man has my phone number I’m not going to correspond with him anymore via the dating site. He knows how to reach me if he wants to.

    I definitely appreciate the feedback. I’m new to online dating and trying to stay out of the bars and away from Happy Hours because I really want to meet a new calibre of man. New journey. It’s fun to say the least.



  52.  #52Helena Hart on May 6, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Andrea – 47 – How about something like, “I’m feeling a little burned out on email. It would feel good to match your voice with your photo. What do you think?” or something along those lines – he should take it from there.

    Love, Helena



  53.  #53Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Hi Andrea #47
    This is how I conduct myself online dating
    It’s not for everyone…

    after a couple of online texts I simply say…
    “I don’t feel comfortable texting much more…
    It works better for me to talk on the phone…
    What do you think?”
    They always agree…

    I always have preliminary questions I like to ask on the phone (also like to hear their voices) before I spend my precious time on a face to face date…



  54.  #54Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Andrea,
    Yes… I have to be careful with too much soft feeling messages online… it’s easily missconstrued… :-))

    Yes, and I Do agree… if they continue with the online chatting or texting… I just ignore them..
    Next…



  55.  #55Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Azure “for me” they just reinforces Rori’s leanback tool in different words. Manipulation or gimmicks didn’t even occur to me, it seemed natural.



  56.  #56Dominique on May 6, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Meg – 13 – I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s an awful feeling what you’re experiencing. Begging doesn’t work, not ever. If anything it pushes a man away even more. Plus you will only end up feeling worse.

    What you need to do is completely redirect. Place all of your focus back on you and only you. What else besides him makes you feel good? What fills you up? What makes you feel passionate? Immerse yourself in activities which do this, people who make you smile, laugh, feel good. And Take exquisite care of YOU, lavishing love on YOU, beauty rituals, anything which awakens your senses, makes YOU FEEL GOOD if only a little.

    He will come back around, or he won’t, and you have no control over this. Yet once you start to fill yourself up in this way, you may find you don’t really want him anymore. And someone else will surely step in and up because a woman who takes care of herself in this way is hugely attractive. And YOU get to choose.

    xxoo



  57.  #57Indigo on May 6, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Azure Blu 50,

    I kinda agree with you.

    Once upon a time I would have been so enchanted with the idea that I could run away and eventually he would come chasing after me.

    My ex always does that after all. No matter how “done” he says he is with me, given time, he will always start contacting me again.

    But where has it got me in the end?

    These days I’m more about authenticity. Being who I am in the moment. Not pushing or forcing myself for the sake of a response from a man. Rather just gently bringing my focus back to me, and summoning up the most loving treatment for myself that I can.

    It’s not a quick fix and it doesn’t cause wow results, but I’m tired. I’m done worrying about other people’s reactions, and I’m done trying to control them in any way. I want to live a calm, loving, peaceful life where I can be myself.

    I do have faith that my true love will show up. But it won’t be using gimmicks. It will be when I’m being myself, when I’m healed, when I’m ready.



  58.  #58Dominique on May 6, 2014 at 10:00 am


  59.  #59Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Indigo.. :-}
    I feel this ALSO….
    “but I’m tired….I want to live a calm,
    loving, peaceful life
    where I can be myself.”

    “I do have faith that MY true love will show up.
    But it won’t be using gimmicks.
    It will be when I”M being myself,
    when I’M healed,
    when I’M ready.”
    (((hugs to all sirens)))



  60.  #60Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Hi Dominque #58…
    I feel enriched…
    As always… such a well written,
    easy to follow,
    gentle read
    about how our lives
    can be
    MORE YUMMY



  61.  #61Dominique on May 6, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Thank you Azure Blu. It feels so good hearing that my words help lift you up.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  62.  #62Indigo on May 6, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Azure Blu,

    πŸ™‚



  63.  #63BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Thank you all for the input and kind words. I needed every bit of it.

    Moving on is hard, but the reality is LC hasn’t been my passionate, sweet loving man for a long time now. Therefore maybe it’s a little easier to let go…

    Thank again. Meg.



  64.  #64BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Dominique 58

    What a powerful read. Thank you. I of course want my sweet loving attentive LC back. But he isn’t that person anymore.

    I need to take care of myself.

    Thank. Meg.



  65.  #65BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Question…. Should I just go ahead and move out? I do live with him. I don’t when to leave, right away and stay with a friend or at the end of the month????

    Thoughts anyone?



  66.  #66Indigo on May 6, 2014 at 10:59 am

    Meg,

    If you’re feeling very sad and fragile now, I would move out now. You want to start taking care of yourself, not subjecting yourself to more pain.

    Do you have a good friend or a supportive relative you can stay with? Someone who will give you space to mourn and work through things, but be there for you?



  67.  #67Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Meg I would say go ahead and move out now if you can. Why prolong the torture?



  68.  #68Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Andrea,

    I used POF and had great success with it. Met loads of awesome men, had lots of great conversations and met Ninja! The whole email contact thing feels super boring to me too though and it definitely took my boy energy to get online and answer emails!

    I used lots of really positive, fun and flirty feeling mesages when replying to emails and I only logged on maybe every 3 days or so which I think helped them get the point that I was on it to meet up not correspond πŸ™‚

    I’d say “Oh hi (name) it feels so good to hear from you, thank you! (quick response to their question, quick comment on their profile and “tell me more!” and always signed simply with my name.

    I found that opened up the conversation faster to them offering their number or asking me out to which I’d always say Oh thank you, I feel so good and I’m feeling excited to hear your voice (or our date). My number is…

    If I was feeling bored with their messages and not interested in responding I just delete. They might write again with a bit more intent next time. Some people seem to want pen pals, not me! Oh and if they hinted at a date or exchanging numbers I just responded as if they’d actually asked or would flirt “Are you asking me on a date? Oh thank you I feel so smiley!”

    Happy fishing!



  69.  #69Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 11:38 am

    ((((((((((Meg)))))))))))

    I know you’ve had loads of great advice here already so just want to give you a big hug and sending you lots of love. Be gentle with yourself. Cry as much and as often as you need. Let the tears wash out all the grief, pain, disappointment and anger.

    xoxoxoxox



  70.  #70Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 11:46 am


  71.  #71Liquid Light on May 6, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Kyla, Thanks for what you wrote about POF. I’m going to use those tips!



  72.  #72Turquoise on May 6, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Hi sirens,

    Just wanted to pop in and say hello…. see how everyone is doing.



  73.  #73Liquid Light on May 6, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I just laid into someone on POF. He made fun of me being vegan, made a joke about a cheeseburger. I’m just sick of it. The jerks who have nothing to offer and they reach out by insulting me. What a bunch of BS and I’m not going to sweep it under the carpet anymore. They need to learn that that kind of behavior is not acceptable to us women…..ARGHHHH



  74.  #74Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Oh good Kyla. Thank you. Yes, I feel wonderful energy from so many men and it’s exciting that they are right here with in a twenty mile radius. I’m just giddy with the excitement of it, but I feel at a loss with how many of them are just satisfied to log into the site and play pen pal.

    You’re so savvy about logging in only one every three days or so. I’m definitely going to put that into practice.

    Did you ever contact a man that didn’t write to you first but he winked.. or sent a flirt… or on POF they say… so and so wants to meet you. I’ve gotten a lot of those notifications but don’t really know what to do with them. I feel that if he wants to meet me… wouldn’t he email me at least to get the ball rolling?

    So… just ignore those? Or??

    I think what I’m hearing is to keep it light, keep it fun, keep it appreciative, and positive and then… get off! : )

    Wish me luck. I definitely wanna meet a “Ninja” : )



  75.  #75Helena Hart on May 6, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Andrea – 74 – Great questions! If a man winks or sends a flirt, try sending one back and see if he takes over from there and emails you.

    In my experience and in the experiences of most of my clients, even masculine-energy men sometimes need a little encouragement when it comes to online dating – they’re so used to rejection on there, so it’s possible they don’t want to come on too strong or scare you off.

    I wouldn’t recommend emailing them first, although you could always experiment with it! I’d just match their intensity – if someone “winks” at you, try winking back as long as it doesn’t feel like to much effort for you.

    Once they know you’re open to communicating with them, they should take the initiative from there. On the other hand, if it starts to feel like too much effort on your part, just forget about them and wait for more masculine-energy men to step up. I like to think of everything as an experiment, especially when you’re first starting out.

    Love, Helena



  76.  #76BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Indigo, Kyla, pixystix, azure, and all

    I deeply appreciate your kind words do support. It’s been a tough day. Trying it just feel and figure out where to go from hell.

    Thank you. Thank you!

    Meg



  77.  #77BrokenheartMeg on May 6, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    From hell. Ha!!! How ironic, and true.



  78.  #78LoveAlways on May 6, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    Recent heard that one of my ex’s is not doing well, in a miserable kind of state of being. I felt my self feeling curious, but then I took a deep breath and realized that whole thought (and experience) was my old painful stuff, and I felt it all BEHIND me. What a powerful and wonderful position. It is truly behind me. I felt sad that he is stuck, but I felt that would happen to him. I feel glad I am not in touch with him. I feel happy. I am free of all that. I need to blog on this more.



  79.  #79Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Helena… ooohhh yes, that advice just feels so right with me. wonderful. I can definitely do that. I feel very experimental and excited, but yes, emailing them first is too much effort for me.

    I can just push that little “flirt” button and see what happens from there.

    Thank you. I like it. I’m having such fun.

    Also, in recent events… about a month ago I was out with my girlfriends and passed one of my “business” cards to a man that we were all drinking and having fun with. He asked if he could take me out at that time and I said, “Yes, here’s my card. Call me sometime.”

    Well, I never heard from him. But tonight, he just texted and asked if I remember him and told me that he wants to take me out on a date.

    A good girlfriend of mine said that she read somewhere that it takes about four to five weeks for a man who’s ready to be serious, to actually get in contact with a woman that he really wants to impress. Has anyone else heard that before?

    It’s fun that he’s asking me out now and I don’t feel any conviction to put pressure on him or ask him why he never called before. I just think…. “Huh? Cool.”



  80.  #80Femininewoman on May 6, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Heyyyyy Turquoise



  81.  #81Helena Hart on May 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Andrea – 79 – Glad that was helpful! Also, I always recommend trying OK Cupid to my clients who are online dating. I like their matching algorithm and it’s free! You might find a different “pool” of men on that one.

    Love, Helena



  82.  #82Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    (((Liquid Light))) let ’em have it girl πŸ™‚



  83.  #83Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Andrea I feel excited!

    Ok with POF ‘meet me’ feature its basically flicking through photos clicking yes or no. The guy doesn’t actually look at your profile. I didn’t have any luck with that feature when I responded to meet me’s, in fact it seemed the guys just leaned back and were like oh so why do you want to meet me then? I decided to ignore it but it was fun to experiment with at the start.

    As for the send a flirt feature, that sends an email to the man that reads “Hi :)”. I didn’t use that feature either as I don’t want to make first contact.. I just like hanging out in the pool and seeing if anyone drops me a line πŸ˜‰

    So yup all fun to practice with but I found just responding to the emails that came in, tweaking my profile when I wanted to attract higher quality guys and adding new photos every now and then to keep my profile high in searches worked best for me. I loved how it opened up my dating options if I could just get over the tedium of responding to emails. I had to be the right fun and flirty frame of mind!



  84.  #84Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    “I think what I’m hearing is to keep it light, keep it fun, keep it appreciative, and positive and then… get off! : )”

    Yes that sums up my online dating ramble perfectly! If you stay online chatting back and forth for hours it can go on for days, weeks, forever.. If you are super approachable but not available/online the men that are ready for real live dates with a real live woman will get the hint and ask for your number!



  85.  #85Helena Hart on May 6, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Kyla – I totally agree, that’s the best way to do it! πŸ™‚

    Love, Helena



  86.  #86Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    My Ninja update. He stayed Saturday til this morning. He cooked the fish that he caught and then bought me really good knives and pans because mine suck. He brought me an ipod and downloaded all his music and a bunch of stuff he knew I liked on to it (I thanked him for my mix tape!). He told me he decided against getting the new kayak and is going to buy another boat instead so he can take all of us out in it. We went to the movies Saturday night. He took my son fishing and drove me to and from the basketball game on Sunday so I could have a few drinks and last night spent 2 hours mixing music with my daughter for a presentation, loaded up his truck with the last of the old furniture from my garage and downloaded a program on my laptop to show me the stars and planets in my skyline.
    Tonight he called after work and said he felt weird going home, so quiet and no one to cuddle. I absent mindedly teased him about needing a back up and he retorts ‘if I was interested in having options I wouldn’t be clearing out the ex boyfriend’s junk from the home of the woman I love and driving around with it in my truck to get it out of her life so I can move into it!’ I was about to snap back that there was only one pair of skates but instead I said ‘aww I love you too’ and then he laughed and said ‘good I’m glad thats finally settled then!’ and everything softened again and he started making plans and suggestions for this weekend πŸ™‚
    I’m feeling very safe, happy and loved and unafraid of doing the wrong thing. He’s here and if he did decide to leave it will only be because better is coming. I’m the prize!



  87.  #87Kyla on May 6, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Thanks Helena! πŸ˜€



  88.  #88Andrea on May 6, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Helena, I’ve clicked on your name to get info about your website, but for some reason that feature doesn’t work for me. Would you mind giving info about yourself again. I want all the help I can get in this new arena. : )

    And Kyla… Oh I just feel so wonderful and triumphant and like I’m on the right track when I read your great advice and your stories and attitude toward Ninja. I feel like jumping around and laughing and holding my belly and glorying in what the possibilities are!! Hooray!! : )



  89.  #89Helena Hart on May 6, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Andrea – 88 – Absolutely! It’s http://www.helenahartcoaching.com – you can contact me through my website to set up a free coaching session, I’d love to help! You’ll find some articles about online dating on my site that should be helpful as well.

    Love, Helena



  90.  #90Millie on May 6, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    Cupcake 8-Congratulations!!!!! I’m so happy for you! I feel out of the loop with your posts, looking forward to hearing all about your new job and adventures!

    Andrea- I agree that your original message was too heavy for online dating. I’ve had some experience with it and felt like it was not for me, however my two-cents is…definitely minimize the amount of energy and effort you put into it. I got burned out really fast answering all these emails and looking for guys (before Rori.) It really can get exhausting. I like what Kyla said about just being on there and letting them come to you and also talking on the phone before you go out with them is helpful. πŸ™‚



  91.  #91Millie on May 6, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I took a dance class with the dance teacher guy on Saturday. I felt myself tense up during the lesson, but wasn’t sure why. At first, I thought it was because he was correcting me and my initial response to criticism isn’t a good one. I told myself to relax, to laugh, and to enjoy myself. After all, I was there to learn. But, as I said in a previous post, the environment was really the thing making me uncomfortable. I asked myself, “what am I afraid is going to happen?” I wasn’t sure..but I felt oggled. Then on Sunday, the teacher text me asking if I’m interested in modeling in a bikini and to send pics front and back asap. I felt really creeped out by that and told him so. He said he has casting connections or something. I said- well if your agenda is professional, than approach it professionally. Anyway, I feel disappointed because I thought I’d met someone that could really help me with my dancing and also tell me about new places to and meet new people through. Now, I feel like I have to avoid him. Is there a really a point in telling someone how uncomfortable you feel? If I feel THAT uncomfortable, I probably shouldn’t even be engaging in any conversation with him. He is a renowned dancer, I guess, but the whole thing has me feeling tense in my chest.

    In other news, no word from any potential CD’s today and not a peep from Mechanic. Well, it is what it is on that one.

    Cooked for myself tonight, it was fun!! Now I’m going to go do some sewing, working on some dresses for myself.



  92.  #92Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 2:43 am

    Kyla 86,

    I love that! I want that!



  93.  #93Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 3:03 am

    So, I decided to keep Blue as an option. Call it an experiment. Mostly we had a strong friendship and connection before, and I wanted to see if the issues we had could resolve given time. With the pressure of being his exclusive girlfriend off me, I did feel a lot better.

    Well, the first time he told me he was going out for drinks with a group of friends (the kind of thing he used to often invite me along to when we were friends) and didn’t invite me, I felt weird and kind of hurt and I told him so. He told me he thought I didn’t like going out on a weeknight, which sounded to me like a load of hogwash, but told me next time he would not assume.

    Anyway, he was away visiting his family for a week and came back on Sunday night, and I was the first person he wanted to see and he stopped at my house on the way back from the airport and spent the night. (No sex I’ve decided, just kissing cuddling, which feels good.) He invited me round on Monday night as well and we had a lovely time.

    Yesterday (Tuesday) however he said oh he was going out that night with the same group of friends. No invite for me. I again said I felt weird and hurt, especially after how close we were the night before. He said he had assumed I had a problem with one of the friends, which was untrue and I told him so. It just felt like excuses, honestly.

    He finally started saying that he was just taking it slow and not rushing into anything, and that he hadn’t had a hand in organizing the get-together and that if he were organizing it he would consider inviting me and if not there would be less of a chance… At this point I just had to get out of there. Ugh ugh ugh. I logged off Skype right then and there and haven’t logged back in since. “Consider inviting me”? What is this, the Presidential Ball? It’s steak night at the pub for the love of Pete.

    So uninterested in talking or putting in any energy or making an effort for someone who is not making an effort for me.

    Just decided to take this week for myself. Take a hiatus from Skype. Double back and refocus loving and healing energies on myself. Immerse myself in something that I love and that feels interesting to me. Have peace and calm and quiet for a bit. Not noisy slightly hurtful energies.



  94.  #94Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 3:05 am

    He does contact me first every day, and is very sweet and loving and affectionate and attentive when we are together, just to put it in perspective.

    But yeah.



  95.  #95Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Hi Lovealways 78
    “FREE of all that”
    What a lovely, calm place to be…
    I feel happy for you. :-))



  96.  #96Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Kyla 86…
    Ohhhh… so Yummy!!!

    I feel warm and happy that you share all these good things about you and Ninja…
    They give me hope for a good man in my life…
    :-}



  97.  #97Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Indigo.
    My random thoughts…
    Does it make since to you to take it slow with Blue?

    This is just me but…
    it feels like you are jumping into the “exclusive girlfriend” thing by wanting to know where he is and what he’s doing and being included?
    is this accurate?

    Wondering what your trigger is here?
    “So uninterested in talking or putting in any energy or making an effort for someone who is not making an effort for me.”
    ….cause it does sound like he IS making an effort

    It feels authentic to me
    when you are sharing your feelings with him.
    the path to emotional intimacy… Yay!!!



  98.  #98Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 6:00 am

    Azure Blu,

    That is what is confusing to me.

    He IS making an effort, but not inviting me to get-togethers? When I ask him about it he gets all cagey and excuse-y? I don’t know what to make of it.

    It hurts me not to be invited. I don’t want that.



  99.  #99PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Morning ladies!

    The sun is just rising in my corner of the world. I’m outside enjoying the birdsongs and even the light flow of traffic sounds. Sunrise is my favourite part of the day…It’s going to be gorgeous today! Clear skies as far as my eyes can see…

    Yesterday I took myself out on an all day long shopping adventure. I really spoiled myself. I got dresses and skirts and a shirt and 6 pairs of flip flops/sandals. 3 for $10…Can’t go wrong! I got my first ever designer handbag and wallet…I did not pay designer prices lol Otherwise that just doesn’t happen (obviously, if it’s my first ever lol).

    I do have a tiny agenda…I really do need new spring/summer clothes. I’m in my 30s now and I do actually want to look the part. Aside from that…The man’s older bro and his family are coming to visit in early July. They live far away and I haven’t yet met any of them. His mom has come a couple of times and his sister lives here so these are the last of his family members for me to meet. I really do want to make a nice impression. His brother is his idol, and that makes his opinion of me very meaningful to me.
    I can also take all these new clothes with us on vacay in october.

    Yay shopping! I haven’t gone shopping like this in AGES and it was fun. Just me and myself.

    I tried on one of my dresses for him last night and he ooo’d and ahhh’d and said “That’s really nice! That’s classy right there. I like class!” and proceeded to throw his words to the wind by giving me a firm slap on the behind. Sigh. He IS entertaining…At least haha I do love that about him. I also love that he is actually interested when I try stuff on for him…I love that he always tries his stuff on for me and asks my opinion and actually considers it. That’s a great quality in a man. lalala

    Feeling buoyant today πŸ™‚



  100.  #100Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 6:05 am

    Hi Millie, 91
    Thank you for sharing this about the dancer…
    Your “renouned dancer” does sound Yucky!!
    No wonder you want to avoid him… good call!!!

    In my town I have noticed
    men who are “professional” dancers, or frequent the dance venues in town… think of themselves as “rock stars”
    have a VERY feminine vibe…
    “alllll women adore ME!!” I’m all that!!! :-}
    “alllll women chase ME”…

    This guy seems to think he can act any way he wants… Ugh….



  101.  #101Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Indigo,
    was this happening when you and Blue were seeing each other exclusively before?



  102.  #102PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Millie…

    Creepy!

    That’s all…lol nothing to add. Just not surprised you felt creeped out.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Pixy,
    How funnnnnn to shop for summer/spring cloths!!

    I do love a man who shows me his cloths and is enthusiastic when i model my new cloths… πŸ™‚
    Nothing like a good slap on the butt from the man I love!!! :-))
    This allll sounds so warm and flowy Pixy!!
    Mmmm….



  104.  #104PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:23 am

    Azure πŸ™‚

    It really was fun to spoil myself a little! I only had to remind myself once that a wardrobe refresh is NOT a waste of money lol After that I let it go and had a blast!



  105.  #105PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Indigo

    It straight up sucks not being invited. I know the feeling…

    Maybe a little disinterest in “putting in effort” will be beneficial for you. It doesn’t feel good, yet you can maybe put that effort into yourself for a little while.



  106.  #106PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Kyla!!

    What a dream! You are so fabulous for keeping yourself as the prize, even in a whirlwind of fantastic man-ness.

    I love how you dropped your urge to justify and just said “awww I love you too”. Amazing! Props lady πŸ™‚



  107.  #107PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Spam city lol I’m reading bottom up…

    I loved online dating! Thinking back (was a few years ago now…2010) It seems to me the ones who constantly emailed with no action frustrated me as well, and I simply stopped responding. I don’t think I ever even expressed interest in meeting. Either they asked within a reasonable amount of time, or my responses to them ceased.

    I think it was important, to me, that I never really assumed any of them were “potential”. Either there was action in the moment, or there was not. I responded, or didn’t, as was fitting.

    I met J on POF πŸ˜‰
    Happy fishing!



  108.  #108Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 7:00 am

    Oh Cupcake I just read your news that you got the job and are staying in Cupcake City!! Woohoo lady I feel so very happy for you!! Can’t wait to hear all about your adventures, you deserve the best xoxo



  109.  #109Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Azure, speaking of music recently I was singing Steve Winwood’s Higher Love day and night the week before Ninja first contacted me.. maybe that called him in πŸ˜‰



  110.  #110Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 7:12 am

    (((Indigo))) not being invited feels sucky πŸ™

    PixyStix (I love your name btw!) thank you! I try to bite my tongue on the urge to explain and so glad I ‘heard’ what he was trying to say in frustration rather than get into a silly argument over ‘the way’ he said it πŸ™‚



  111.  #111PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Kyla, thank you πŸ™‚ “Stix” is my nickname irl and ppl online just started calling me “pixy stix”. When my bf did it randomly without the knowledge of ppl online calling me pixystix, I figured it’s meant to be lol



  112.  #112Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Azure Blu,

    No, when we were together exclusively he invited me to everything. He used to say he missed me if we were apart for a few hours.



  113.  #113Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 9:10 am

    PixyStix & Kyla,

    Thank you! I just love you guys for being so supportive πŸ™‚

    xx

    PixyStix, I think you are definitely right about maybe scaling back on the effort and redirecting some love towards myself. I think myself has been crying out for a lot of love from me of late.

    Scaling back on the effort is certainly how I felt last night and this morning.



  114.  #114redbutterfly on May 7, 2014 at 9:13 am

    So funny because I read this article probably a couple of months ago when I saw it on facebook and at the time I thought “Wow! That sounds like something Rori would say!” I’m not even kidding.



  115.  #115Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 9:26 am

    So, just to round out this story…

    Blue and I met today to talk about it. Having pulled back a bit for a day or so, I felt able to do so, and it felt like the right thing to do.

    It seems like we both misunderstood each other. When he explained the nature of the get-together last night, I didn’t feel so triggered about not being invited. He said to me that he was wanting to take it a bit more slowly with me, feeling things out, and that yes he intended to invite me to things, but not to everything. And whilst a month ago, this would have triggered me, today when he explained it, it was ok. He said I needed to give him time to get over the hurts of the past, and that in the coming months, he would invite me to things.

    He also reassured me, (and for some reason today when he told me I believed him when I hadn’t in the past) that he had no romantic feelings for this one particular female friend who had bothered me before.

    He had thought I was issuing an ultimatum when I had told him that it felt weird to be so close one day and then the next day not to be invited, that closeness was an all or nothing thing, not a sometimes thing. He’d misinterpreted the way I’d meant it… so often the case when one has a conversation via messaging.

    I in turn explained to him that it was not my intention to hurt him, anger him or to issue an ultimatum. That I would like to be given the benefit of the doubt. I explained that I had simply felt excluded, that it triggered me in my sore spot because not inviting me to things was something my ex started doing.

    I also explained to him that my going offline suddenly was simply an attempt not to say anything further that would be misinterpreted, and to go and take care of myself because I’d reached my saturation point.

    The conversation went extremely well. We spoke openly and frankly and came to a really good understanding of each other I think. The angry icky feelings between us just evaporated, and by the end of it he invited me over tonight so we could watch “our” series together. It was sweet.

    It was a really eye-opening experience of how our triggers can get in the way and run the show in a romantic relationship though…



  116.  #116Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Indigo 115,
    How great is this!!!
    a face to face and
    you guys shared real feelings and thoughts!
    Precious moments

    Thank you for sharing all this juicy, intimate communication…

    How true…. “how our triggers can get in the way and run the show in a romantic relationship”
    ;-+



  117.  #117Tereana on May 7, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Azure Blu – “when someone shows you who they are, believe then the first time.” ~ maya Angelou, from the last thread. I love this. So true.

    Cupcake – thank you for the birthday wishes!!



  118.  #118Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Glorious Sirnes,
    Some thoughts on time spent online dating…
    10 years ago i tried match for about 6 months…
    met really nice guys…
    i met my late finacee on match (he was killed in an accident 8 years ago)

    I tried match a few years ago and was very dissapointed… (I do know many women who have met their husbands on match)
    Most of the men I met were only wanting sexual hook ups and their photos were much younger than their age.
    So I stopped online dating…
    also knew I needed to heal from grieving.
    2 years ago I opened an account with OurTime.com
    a 50 yr+ online dating site…
    I have met Many really nice men
    and have had a great time CDing
    with men on this site.
    I highly recommend it.

    As Kyla mentioned… I update my photo off and on…
    tweak my profile here and there and found the quality of men improves as my since of Sireness and Godessness improves!!!



  119.  #119Dominique on May 7, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Indigo – This is a wonderful experience in being real and AUTHENTIC. When you come from that place cleanly with no agenda, no expectations, this is what happens. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  120.  #120CurvySiren10 on May 7, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Indigo~ Bingo!

    “The conversation went extremely well. We spoke openly and frankly and came to a really good understanding of each other I think. The angry icky feelings between us just evaporated, and by the end of it he invited me over tonight so we could watch β€œour” series together. It was sweet.

    It was a really eye-opening experience of how our triggers can get in the way and run the show in a romantic relationship though…”

    This is SO true and such a testament (in my opinion) about how ignoring things like this just feeds the misunderstanding, resentment etc. Getting it out there, seeing things from each other’s perspective…and then yes, the “icky” feelings do just evaporate. I am convinced from my own experience that this is the key to a healthy relationship…with anyone.

    So happy to hear you taking such good care of yourself. πŸ™‚ xo



  121.  #121Azure Blu on May 7, 2014 at 10:49 am

    ((((Kyla…)))
    Ohhhh… I’m singin’ that song then!!!

    Bring me a higher love
    Briiiiing me a higher love
    Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

    Until then
    I’ll wait for it…
    I’m not too late for it…
    Until then I’ll sing my song

    Bring me a higher love
    Briiiiing me a higher love
    Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?
    ;- }



  122.  #122Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Indigo that’s so awesome and I’m feeling so happy that your honest conversation with Blue has cleared up any miscommunication between you two! You’re inspiring. Yay for you!



  123.  #123Femininewoman on May 7, 2014 at 11:02 am

    REDBUTTERFLY talk about serendipity



  124.  #124PixyStix on May 7, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Indigo πŸ™‚ hooray for communication!



  125.  #125Femininewoman on May 7, 2014 at 11:22 am

    http://onlineallure.com/?hop=title

    β€œFinally Revealed: What Your Online Dating Profile Is Secretly Saying to Men…”

    Some of the information in there:-

    If your profiles says “must be interested in a serious relationship” – Tells guys you are too serious and tell players that you are desperate for sex.

    “Princess seeks her prince” – Men think you are high maintenance. He thinks he will never be good enough.

    “My friends put me up to it” – Guys read I have no self confidence.

    “My daughter is my world” – tells a guy I am a mom not a woman

    No photos tell men I don’t like myself.



  126.  #126Liquid Light on May 7, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Thanks Kyla 82! πŸ™‚



  127.  #127Mandy on May 7, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Hi everyone,

    J went to therapy for the first time @ noon today. I am so proud of him. He has tapered down to 2-3 beers a night as opposed to 6-8 very strong hard alcohol cocktails a night. He is speaking with a woman and bringing up dependance as well as his sexuality deals. I hope his therapist is a good one.

    I wonder if he feels scared, but I can’t be focusing on what’s going on win his head right now because this is my time to breathe, relax and not worry about it, because he’s not in the apartment, and someone else is taking care of him instead of me for once.

    So I’ll put on some good music and open the door up and open the blinds, since it’s a gorgeous day and it’s nice and cool (which is great because I’m in Arizona, lol.)

    I realize I almost went with him because I felt guilty if I didn’t, but I made myself go against the guilt and stay.

    So here’s to a nice breeze, sunshine, and good music…

    I hope you are all well today…



  128.  #128Helena Hart on May 7, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Femininewoman – 125 – I also found that info interesting and informative, many of my clients are online dating so it was great to get a man’s perspective on how certain things in online dating profiles come across. Here’s the full article if you’re interested:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/what-your-online-dating-profile-is-secretly-saying-to-men/

    Love, Helena



  129.  #129Daria on May 7, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    ohhh i feel all teared up reading the article for the first time….



  130.  #130Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel like I need to rant…

    I cannot work out what is going on in my life re: D. We have been going out nearly a year and he has let me down several times – but he tells me he wants to change. In literally the space of a couple of weeks I have gone from standing up for myself to then retreating and being the weak person that I am. I feel so weak. Why do I find all this soooo difficult??

    I love D – he is a great guy – but he can only offer me so much. He breaks plans as quick as he makes them. He messes me around and isn’t romantic at all. He never makes plans for the future. And I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship with him. So I know he’s not boyfriend material.

    He is good for a laugh or a joke and just a casual friendhip but I know he isn’t capable of giving me anymore. But he keeps telling me that he wants to grow up and change – but I know he won’t. A leopard doesn’t change his spots.

    Anyway – I digress. He says he wants to change and the scary thing is I really, really WANT to believe him. I want to be the woman he loves – so deep down I am really just wishin & hopin!! Errrr…. I wish I wasn’t but I am..

    Sirens – any advice??



  131.  #131Daria on May 7, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    im feeling frustrated and rather quick/moving desperate

    i want more attention

    i’m feelnig terrified no one will want to take me on a real date anymore….



  132.  #132Dominique on May 7, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Waterfall – Where there is desire, there is hope. Only you can make this choice though.

    xxoo



  133.  #133Daria on May 7, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Waterfall – yes, he can and will change….

    but first he needs a woman to provide the inspiration through her great treatment of herself



  134.  #134Daria on May 7, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    i’m feeling all triggered by something i saw on facebook



  135.  #135prplpsn28 on May 7, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Tryn’ to keep up with the blog. Just now signing in to this one so will need to go back and catch up. Can’t say too much about me and H right now cuz I’m really not sure. Concentrating on myself right now. Tho H has been initiating contact pretty much every day. I may or may not see him this wknd. Not sure. But I will definitely be going out with friends. If H joins us…great. If not…it’s fine. I have very awesome caring and fun friends.

    I do feel like I need to bring myself back to a better place of less neediness and clinginess and take care of myself. Hard for me to take the focus off of H sometimes but I’m trying.



  136.  #136Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Dominique,

    When we are together it is amazing – such electricity – but I feel soooo scared right down to my core. I feel like if I say it outloud it will disappear as all my other relationships have.

    I just don’t feel / think I can keep him. I feel like Cinderella constantly holding it together and waiting for the stroke of misnight and turning into a pumpkin and he will see the REAL me. I am so scared of that.

    It has been a year and the fear is not abating.

    I want this “perfect” relationship all the time. Yet I don’t know what that means??

    Hmmm…. But yes somehow I need to inspire it. I just feel & worry that whenever I am just myself then problems start to arise. It’s like the real me is sipping through. I feel like the Eddie Murphy character in the Nutty Professor.

    Hope this makes sense!



  137.  #137Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Daria,

    Have you tried taking yourself on a real date?

    Might be fun!



  138.  #138Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    * sorry seeping through not sipping !



  139.  #139Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    (((Waterfall))) You can love him, but love yourself even more! Do you feel like you are in a place where you can start accepting dates from others while still being open to dating D? That would be my advice.

    Even if you are not ready to start dating others I would step back from what’s going on with him and look at what you can change for yourself and what you can do to feel better right now, in each moment. Date yourself, change your hair or clothes, pick up a hobby that makes you feel happy, make plans to see friends, pamper yourself and build yourself up from the inside out. When he makes plans with you have a backup plan for when he flakes. When you’re with him make sure you share with him what you like and when you feel happy. When things don’t feel good just say so and leave to take care of yourself.

    When you’re feeling weak or desperate remember to stop thinking and just breathe, give yourself a hug and know that you are ok in this moment and always xoxoxo



  140.  #140Daria on May 7, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Waterfall – thanks! ooh, yes that would feel romantic, doing the dress up part with the scheduled time as well…

    i already do take myself out and treat myself, and all the extra oomph around it would really feel good for a part of me

    i feel frustrated and like pushing away some things that would be good for me though :/



  141.  #141Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I am not CDating – though I do socialise a lot and there are opportunities to flirt – and I do CDate myself.

    I wish I had the courage to truly CD – though I have no-one else on my radar romantically. There are a few men in my social group who I like and I wouldn’t object if they pursued me romantically.

    But so far it has just been friendship and it hasn’t gone any further. I don’t think they have it in them to take it any further…



  142.  #142Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Daria,

    Ask yourself if you could have anything what your perfect date would look like..

    What country would it be in? Italy, Spain, America… Anywhere you want it to be…

    What would you do on the date? A walk around town in the evening? A classical music concert in a beautiful church? Then a beautiful dinner somewhere…

    Mmmm… I am getting excited just thinking about it!!

    I would love to hear yours and other sirens perfect dates!



  143.  #143Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Kyla,

    When me & D first broke up I felt strong and ready to get in with my life. I felt stoked up with all the plans I was making & I felt sooooo excited! But the minute I got back into a relationship with him my focus immediately turned back onto him..

    I desperately want to CDate but I don’t have the courage now we are back together. I really want to though and I know it would be good for me…



  144.  #144Waterfall on May 7, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Hmm..

    The truth is I feel very worried about this relationship. I know love is a two way street but I feel I am constantly living in fear of upsetting him. Everything I say seems to be wrong. I’ve told him he should go out with a Stepford Wife. He doesn’t want a real person. He just wants somebody that is always happy & smiley.

    I feel so drained and can barely think about it all.

    I hope I don’t sound all negative and miserable. Apologies if u do!



  145.  #145Kyla on May 7, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Mmm Waterfall I’m reading you are not getting your needs met, it doesn’t feel like a relationship and you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him?
    I’m wondering what you have to lose by speaking your truth and standing up for yourself? So he gets upset, so what? That’s his problem, it does no good to sacrifice yourself for someone else’s convenience. That doesn’t feel good to him, it doesn’t get you the love you deserve and it kills your soul. You will feel a million times stronger inside and better for being true to your own feelings even if you just take tiny baby steps and he will deep down respect you for that even he if won’t/can’t change.
    I’m so very sorry if this offends you and please forgive me and ignore it if it does. Big hugs and oodles of love (((Waterfall)))



  146.  #146Luzydel on May 7, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    CuteCd lacks consistency; And i do feel ugh! but I cannot change him, so I have accepted him as he is, BUT I cannot be exclusive with him and not meet other people. I thought he was going to step up after our talk, but nope he just ignores me and treats me yucky.

    Not going to use Online dating because I do not like it, but I am out and about and as of now I am single and I can accept an invitation if is happens. Well I already accepted CaptainCd’s invitation for lunch.

    I am craving to buy a house so much, but even when I have a moderate income, my state has high taxes and properties are so expensive. I am making plans for the future on my own. And I am learning to just accept that… I can date and not expect commitment. CDing has thought me that men come with expiration dates and that forever doesn’t exist …

    After A While
    By Veronica A. Shoffstall

    After a while you learn
    the subtle difference between
    holding a hand and chaining a soul
    and you learn
    that love doesn’t mean leaning
    and company doesn’t always mean security.
    And you begin to learn
    that kisses aren’t contracts
    and presents aren’t promises
    and you begin to accept your defeats
    with your head up and your eyes ahead
    with the grace of woman,
    not the grief of a child
    and you learn
    to build all your roads on today
    because tomorrow’s ground is
    too uncertain for plans
    and futures have a way of falling down
    in mid-flight.
    After a while you learn
    that even sunshine burns
    if you get too much
    so you plant your own garden
    and decorate your own soul
    instead of waiting for someone
    to bring you flowers.
    And you learn that you really can endure
    you really are strong
    you really do have worth
    and you learn
    and you learn
    with every goodbye, you learn…



  147.  #147Mercedes on May 7, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Waterfall: When you change this perception of yourself, no matter what HE thinks…when YOU change this perception of YOURSELF, you entire WORLD will change:

    “being the weak person that I am”

    That’s your quote. That’s how YOU see yourself. When you stop that…everything will be different. How he sees you, what he thinks, what he says, what he does….NONE of that makes as much difference as your own perception: “being the weak person that I am”

    Never say that to yourself again. If YOU say it is, then it is. “being the strong person that I am”. If YOU say it is, then it is….

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  148.  #148Femininewoman on May 7, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Waterfall I am a first hand example of what Mercedes is saying to you. I practice talking to myself like that. I have been doing it for a while now and sometimes I end up feeling surprised at how truly powerful and confident I feel



  149.  #149Femininewoman on May 7, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Waterfall you don’t need to be telling him what he wants. He already knows without your help.

    You talking on eggshells turn your vibe doormatty and he senses the dip in your self esteem. Look at the words you are using and consciously change them. Desperately want to cdate. There is no need to. Just pretend in your mind that you are. Like a child with an imaginary friend, give yourself the mental option.



  150.  #150Mercedes on May 7, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    FW: I do that too! For months after J and I were apart, I did it every single day. At first it was sooooo fake but then it wasn’t…and I don’t even know when it changed. It is so incredibly important to watch how we talk to ourselves. I did a blog post on whether or not we really love ourselves. It was about how we talk to ourselves, how we feed ourselves, how much exercise we get and how much good quality time we give ourselves, etc. I believe in taking a good long look at how we treat ourselves and then asking “Is this how I would treat anyone else that I love? Is this how I would talk to anyone else that I love?” So many times, the answer to that is “No”. And that is really, really sad.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  151.  #151Femininewoman on May 7, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    My perfect date would be in Paris riding on river with a violinist play “Lady!! I’m your knight in shining armor and I love you. You have made me what I am and I am yours!!!”

    With my dream man holding me in his arms……..

    aaahhhh



  152.  #152Millie on May 7, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Daria-133 I love this πŸ™‚



  153.  #153Millie on May 7, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    It seems I am surrounded by men who disqualify themselves. Hmmm what does that mean for me?

    I talked to this guy tonight, a new guy, who plays in a band I like. We’ve smiled at each other before, but this is the first time we’ve had a real conversation. He was very honest and said he still loves his soon to be ex-wife and that he is also interested in this girl in Germany. We were on the phone, so I told him, I appreciated his honesty, but felt curious as to why he was even talking to me. I think he felt caught off guard by that and realized that he’d “messed up.” He said that he had seen me at shows and thought I was cute, but never approached me because of his situation with his wife. Now, he knows it is over with her, and he was curious to talk to me and see what happens. I don’t “like” this guy that much for all of this to feel like an affront to me. I know it isn’t, but I can’t help feeling a little like…ok, where are all the eligible guys hiding?! For right now, I will keep him as a friend. It seems he is a bit unstable emotionally, and while I truly do appreciate his honesty, it doesn’t feel like the focus is on me. He is 37, ten years older than me. On the phone, he said, I need to ask you a question. I thought, ok, let’s hear it! He asked if I’m into smoking weed….really? I told him the truth, that no I’m not. I did not tell him that it was a turn off for me. At that point, I felt like, well he’s already disqualified himself, so why go there. I feel like I’m surrounded by these sad, aging men, (Mechanic slightly excluded because while he is aging, he is by no means one to feel sorry for.) Anyway, where are all the eligible men??



  154.  #154Tereana on May 7, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    Cupcake, congrats on the job! That sounds amazing πŸ™‚

    And ((((Meg)))) I hope you’re feeling better



  155.  #155Tereana on May 7, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Well, someone asked about my weekend. And I had a fear time, going to the wedding, seeing my friends. But the last 24 hours were a complete 180 that took me totally off-guard.

    See, I was staying with S, as he has invited me, and I thought it would be fun. No expectations. I know he’s not the “relationship” type, or at least not the marrying kind. But breaking up with M, I wanted to do something different.

    So anyway, I was getting in kind of late, and S offered tower me at the train station. When I did, I suggested the route I wanted to take, which is a little different from his usual route, but I like it better, and I didn’t like his way last time. So we’re walking along, and he’s going fast. I asked him to slow down a bit for me. And he FLIPPED the heck out. He started calling me selfish. He said that “everything” is “all about me.” He said that I inconsiderate and I never think of others. All of these things are lies, or at least seemed up come from nowhere. In fact, the whole time he was picking this argument, I had some lavender in my bag that I had picked from my friend’s house, thinking he would like it. He was disproved right there.

    It was all so much.

    I was tired. I wanted to pack my bag, get ready for my flight in the morning, and go to bed. Instead, he continued to berate me, to insult me. At one point, I stopped talking to him, but then foolishly decided to engage him again with “defending” my good qualities. It didn’t work, or course. He brought up almost every sensitive button that I have, and he pushed then mercilessly. When he told me that perhaps the “real reason” that he could not come while I was on top was because I do not have a perfectly fit, slim, athletic body, I was just about ready to deck him from across the room. It took insane amounts of self-control not to. Meanwhile, he kept insisting that I was “insane.” Well, I did dump a drink on him and refused to apologize. I left his apartment, and walked with my suitcase to a friend’s house across the lake, who was kind enough to let me in at 12:30 am.

    The best I can figure was that I had offended S’s ego in se ways. (He, for the record, spent considerable conversation time that weekend encouraging me to go on dating suers and basically trying to get me to see someone else, I guess. Which I planned to do. Just not while I was staying with him). BUT, I did have a little meet-up scheduled with an old CD from long ago. We ended up having a quick meeting – it was interesting to schedule, because I had to be really firm about my time frame. Or I was firm, anyway. As it turns out, it would have been good if I’d spent more time with him. We’ll call him V. Because V actually wanted to spend time with me. Whereas S became suddenly hostile and combative.

    And I had a lovely time with S. He told me I liked cute, and I thought so myself ; ) I had been hit on all day, and complimented by both men and women. One man even asked me out. But I didn’t accept πŸ˜‰ anyway, V and I kissed. Then I went to my dance class I felt great. And I was received by S flipping out on my.

    S knew I might see someone. Perhaps he was jealous (not that he has a right, since he was trying to pimp me out on datin sites. But he has a really big ego, by his own admission).

    But I think, even more so, he might have been feeling out about me leaving. We had spent four intense days living together. We were intimate on many levels, and it felt normal. Like just normal life. I loved that, I enjoyed it. But it was almost like seeing my fear of abandonment in a mirror. Suddenly, he was finding fault with me, and making everything about me wrong. Pushing me away, vehemently. And there was nothing I could do. Except leave.

    But I felt awful. I wondered if he was right, that I am insane. And I felt so bad, from stress and lack of sleep, that I started contemplating self-harm. So when that happened, I decided to go to the emergency room. That’s how bad and toxic this guy turned out to be.

    At least I’ve learned my lesson, I hope. No more having sex with guys who are not right for me “for fun.” It may feel empowering for a moment, but overall, it devalues all the great things about me, and gives the impression that I am willing to “settle” or that what I want isn’t that important.

    And there is a major core issue, right there…

    Anyway, I’m fine. I’m home. I’m reminding myself to forget about S, and focus on what’s coming in the future.. : )



  156.  #156Ali on May 7, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    I feel in LOVE!!
    Things are going great with my guy…
    He told me he totally adored me and in a weird way loved me.. Then he was like.. I DO.. I LOVE YOU! I can feel you..

    Anyways,
    My friend and I were talking about text responses.. and I sent her these that just roll of my tongue.. Figured it would be fun to see what other people use as well. I just do a lot of responding. (I’ve come A LONG way) Feels AWESOME!

    Aw SWEET!
    Whoa!!!! πŸ™‚
    Wow! Awesome πŸ˜‰
    I have a bright smile on this face. ;D
    I’m blushing…
    Dang!
    Damn!
    Baby that’s a lot of love! Even for a nympho.. πŸ™‚ (I used this tonight.. lol)
    I like that. (Used this tons in the beginning)
    Luv it!
    Too Cute!
    ADORABLE!
    That’s adorable..
    Aw babe!
    You sure know how to make a girl smile..
    I’m a lucky girl..
    Keep em coming..
    I like what I’m hearing. πŸ™‚ Say more.. haha
    YOU are too sweet!
    You are so easy to talk to.
    Thank you.. that’s awesome!
    This is great!
    Sweet Dreams, you!
    Bear Hugs..
    I want to squeeze you!
    Eskimo kiss and butterfly kiss. πŸ™‚
    (Texting joke) My thumb likes your thumb. ha
    (Sexting joke or in general) The good news is I’m not pregnant.. πŸ˜‰
    Handsome
    Honey Bear
    You are my favorite part of the day. Everyday πŸ™‚
    (sarcastic) How ruuuuuuuuuddde! πŸ™‚
    You have good taste.
    I fuckn miss you. (him to me)
    (If I want something) Hand it over!
    (If I don’t get a quick response or miss him) I’m sorry.. What??? I can’t seem to hear you.. You will have to speak LOUDER?? πŸ™‚
    Off to a good start!
    Good morning Sunshine
    I’m totally distracted… in a good way but, still.
    I want this.
    I share the same feelings.
    This is special.
    You stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park. HOME RUN!
    I trust you.
    I’m opening up to you..
    I’m open to this.
    This is interesting.
    I feel good.
    This feels good to me.
    This feels natural
    This means a lot.
    This feels calm and steady and I like that.
    This is so different for me. You must be really special.
    If we click like Penut Butter and Jelly
    Thanks Lloyd Dobler… (Say anything movie..(he sends me weekly songs for my boombox lol) I say.. My boombox likes this!
    I’ll be your glass of wine, You be my shot of whiskey..
    I’ll be the honey suckle, You be the honey bee…
    “We’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to. Because, I want you. I want all of you. Forever. Everyday.” – Notebook (6 weeks in we did a Notebook quote text thing.. lol)
    “You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I’ll tell you when you are being a pain in the ass.” – Notebook
    And sometimes I just send πŸ™‚ xoxo



  157.  #157Millie on May 8, 2014 at 12:19 am

    Tereana–
    I’m glad to hear you are ok.
    Contemplating self-harm is very serious…
    I’m sure your history with this S guy is long, but for him to tell you that he can’t come due to your physique is pure bull. I am confused as to how many days you stayed with him, but why even stay one more moment after being spoken to like that? This sounds more than just being about “not having sex for fun.”
    Anyway, I’m glad you are safe and feeling better.



  158.  #158Millie on May 8, 2014 at 12:26 am

    I feel a little bit bad saying to band guy- “I feel curious as to why you are talking to me..” He said it sounded accusatory. I replied that I didn’t mean it that way. But now, I see how it sounded that way. Perhaps a better thing to have said was, “I understand your situation and appreciate your honesty about it, but I don’t date men that are emotionally involved with other women.”
    I don’t know, that sounds harsh too…
    ugh.



  159.  #159Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 4:27 am

    There are so many typos in #155. I had a *great time in California. And I think S might have been *upset (as I’m psychologically, like a fear of abandonment, “I have toaje her look really bad in my mind in order to be okay with this” type of upset.)

    I think you can figure out the rest…



  160.  #160Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 4:38 am

    Millie – thanks. The people at the hospital were great. I wasn’t such a “basket case” that I had to be admitted. Lol. But at least I’ll get set up with some services that I need.

    Anyway, that was the really BS thing about this whole business with S. I stayed 5 days in the area, and he invited me to stay for all of them. We were having a great time, and except for one incident where he got upset about my behavior on Sunday, everything was very pleasant. He broke out all this caustic stuff on the night before I left! Less than 12 hours and I would have been out of his hair. And earlier that afternoon, it was all, “have a great day, I’ll see you later.” Normal stuff. Very domestic. Lol

    I think it scares the sh*t out of him. I think he likes more than he’ll admit. And anyway, he’s the crazy one. I looked freaking hot all day. And I am a cool, awesome woman. He should be so lucky. Lol. But I DID leave. At first, I just got mad and was going to sleep in another room. But when he kept harping on me and insisting that I “apologize” for pouring me drink on him (as if that would have mattered, and as if I were five years old, no less), I left. I packed up my suitcase and I walked out, not even knowing where I would go. I just didn’t want to be inside with him for one second longer.

    The big question on my brain is, WHY? Why make my last night there so miserable, for no good reason? Why invite me to stay with him, have sex with me, and then insult me? I can only surmise that he WANTED me to not like him. Like I do with some men, this is how I push people away – find fault and then get aggravated with then. Basically act not very cool and then reject them. In this case, definitely rejection is protection. It doesn’t feel good, but it almost feels like he was doing me a favor.



  161.  #161Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 4:48 am

    Millie – sounds like this band guy is a little insecure. Maybe you could ask him? Say, “well, how are you feeling about your relationship with [soon-to-be-ex-wife]?” He will likely tell you the truth. Actually, I think he has. Sounds like he has waited until know to approach you. And it probably took a lot of guts for him to do that. So he must like you ; )

    I know there was one other issue, too. So maybe just get curious. What is he going through? This could make you seem supportive rather than accusing. (I know you didn’t mean to be. I think you were being very honest and I might have said the same thing). It may be that it’s too soon for him to date. But you could just make a boundary, if this I’m important – “I love that you wanted to talk to me. And it would feel great to be friends. And maybe when the divorce is final, we can see where it leads.”

    I know it can work for some people, but dating someone who is still separating, not divorced yet could feel like you are not the number one priority. Make sense?



  162.  #162Femininewoman on May 8, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Millie – but I don’t date men that are emotionally involved with other women.”

    Why would you say this? Did he invite you on a date?



  163.  #163Femininewoman on May 8, 2014 at 6:21 am

    “And maybe when the divorce is final, we can see where it leads”

    I dunno. This is such a leading statement.



  164.  #164Kyla on May 8, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Marriage has been put on the table.
    Moving in together has been put on the table.

    I’m leaving them both on the table and seeing what unfolds!

    I’m so enjoying this journey we’re taking and I just have no expectations at all. I feel completely free. I just want to soak up each moment without thoughts of the next. This is all happening so wonderfully fast, even faster than usual and yet without any icky clingy vibes that trigger me to run. I feel so good here on my own bridge loving me and my life and accepting love from everyone and I’m not afraid of falling. I’m the prize πŸ™‚



  165.  #165Dominique on May 8, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Kyla!!!! My heart is beaming for you. πŸ™‚

    xxoo



  166.  #166Millie on May 8, 2014 at 7:37 am

    Tereana– thanks for clarifying your weekend. I understand better now and am glad you took care of yourself. I wouldn’t spend too much time speculating why he did or said what he did. Focus on how you felt and how you want to feel around him. I agree, that sometimes when a man lashes out like that it has to do with his own feelings for a woman. Seeing as he lashed out on the day you were leaving may be telling, but again speculation bears no fruit.



  167.  #167Millie on May 8, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Femininewoman 161- I didn’t say that. I was trying to think of a better sentence I could have said. And truthfully, I don’t feel serious enough to say I need to wait until the divorce is final. I don’t know that yet.
    He hasn’t officially asked me on a date, but he suggested going to Disneyland together.

    Tereana- he told me a lot about how he felt actually. I was pretty surprised he was so forthcoming. The wife didn’t trust him and their schedules were opposite. She wanted the divorce, he didn’t. I listened. I did great listening!! Then I did say that I appreciate his being so honest with me and that most men wouldn’t do that, that integrity is a quality that matters a lot to me, and it’s good that he has it.

    Anyway, he’s playing on saturday and invited me, I haven’t decided if I’m going yet.



  168.  #168Femininewoman on May 8, 2014 at 7:51 am

    but he suggested going to Disneyland together

    If this is a weekend or overnight trip I choose to tell men thanks for such offers and that kind of thing I only do with a man who I am in a committed relationship with or someone who is ready for a real relationship with me.



  169.  #169Femininewoman on May 8, 2014 at 7:54 am

    He hasn’t asked you out on a date but is inviting you to Disneyland suggest “imiginary/instant” relationship thinking to me. It is the kind of opportunity where I establish boundaries and education them on my standards for relationship.

    Why would you put yourself out there like that with a man that you hardly know anyway?



  170.  #170Kyla on May 8, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Thank you, Dominique! My heart is beaming too! I love you! xoxoxo



  171.  #171Millie on May 8, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Feminine woman– I disagree with you and I’ll tell you why. I live in Southern California and I have an annual pass to Disneyland as do many of my friends and people in the subculture I hang out in. Sometimes we go for the day other times for a few hours. I told band guy I was going last wknd which opened the door for him to say–oh I have tickets we should go! It does not imply an overnight or weekend trip to me. In fact, I like the idea because it implies a day date and no drinking. I do not get the impression that this auggestikn implies an instant relationship at all, but I can see why it could look like that to others.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on May 8, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Millie where I live it would mean getting on a plane. Reading what you wrote I do agree that it might be an “invite myself along to hang out” not really him inviting you on a date.



  173.  #173Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Kyla, WOW, so awesome girl and so happy for you!!! Woohooooo!!!!



  174.  #174Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 10:36 am

    There’s a guy in one of the meet ups I’m in that’s really attractive. He was at a meetup over the weekend but I was laser focused on someone else there who works at a company where I want to work. I’d been trying to meet this guy for a few weeks and so was taking advantage of the opportunity to find out as much as possible about his co. I wasn’t interested in him beyond that though at all. And I ignored the cute one sitting at the opposite end of the table even though he kept trying to get my attention. Then he left without even looking at me.

    Last night, I messed up on my dates and got all ready to go to a singles happy hour (spent an hour getting ready!) but when I checked the directions, I realized that the event was happening next Wed…doh!!! So I was all dolled up and decided to go out to couple happy hours. The first one I went to, a guy immediately started hitting on me. He was waiting for his blind date though and we talked and flirted until she arrived. It was fun and fine with me that he had a date as I wouldn’t have liked being “stuck” with him the whole time..hahahaha

    Then I went to another happy hour and cute meetup guy was there! I couldn’t believe it and I totally froze and contemplated leaving since I was so freaked out. I ended up finding the only empty bar stool there at the opposite end of the bar. I was so awkward the whole evening though with him there. There were two guys sitting next to me and another one on the other side of me but I couldn’t talk to anyone, I was so uncomfortable. Cute guy and I kept looking at each other nervously across the room and every time our eyes met, I panicked like a deer in the headlights. Hahahaha!!! It was great, I felt like a nervous school girl…WOW, I haven’t felt that anxious and awkward around a man in a very long time. I left and we hadn’t even exchanged a word between us but the body language has been off the charts fun!!!! πŸ˜€



  175.  #175Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Mandy 127
    Awesome!! :-))



  176.  #176Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:07 am

    prplpsn28 #135
    “I do feel like I need to bring myself back to a better place of less neediness and clinginess and take care of myself. ”
    Great job!!!
    I feel like you are doing this by going out with your friends!!!
    baby steppin~~



  177.  #177Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Waterfall
    (((hugs)))
    YES YES YES to what Kyla #139 said!!

    Rori says
    “the more YOU heal yourself,
    letting go of habits and thought patterns which impede movement forward (they in fact get very much in your way);
    the more YOU continue to go deeply inside yourself
    to find your AUTHENTIC self;
    the more YOU learn to deeply LOVE YOURSELF,
    YOUR physical being, YOUR sensuous parts,
    YOUR quirks and foibles,
    YOUR gorgeous heart,
    ALL of YOU,
    the more YOU will be able to open YOUR heart
    and revel in and enjoy vulnerability
    as well be able to feel and exude love,
    beautifully and unself-consciously,
    and maybe especially with him.

    And in turn the more he will be INSPIRED by YOU,
    want to join you for this incredible ride.
    Why?Β 
    Because he feels increasingly attracted to YOU,
    the REAL YOU.
    He feels increasingly safe with YOU
    because YOU are being
    the REAL YOU.



  178.  #178Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Lazydel 146
    “I can date and not expect commitment. CDing has taught me that men come with expiration dates and that forever doesn’t exist …”
    I feel sadddd when I read this…

    Maybe you can say “I am worthy, beautiful and lovable and I can expect a commitment from a wonderful, loving man!”
    I say it at least a few times a day… even when i don’t believe it…



  179.  #179Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Tereanna 155,
    (huggs))
    I feel frightened reading about how badly you felt after your stay with S…

    “At least I’ve learned my lesson, I hope. No more having sex with guys who are not right for me β€œfor fun.” It may feel empowering for a moment, but overall, it devalues all the great things about me, and gives the impression that I am willing to β€œsettle” or that what I want isn’t that important. ”

    This is Powerful!! You are taking care of YOU!!
    Yay!!



  180.  #180Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Kyla 163,
    ahhh… sigh… how lovely… oxoxo

    Siren….You are the Prize…

    Marriage on the table
    Living together on the table

    “I’m leaving them both on the table and seeing what unfolds!”
    So easy breezzy!!!
    Mmmmmm



  181.  #181Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Kyla… I meant #163



  182.  #182Azure Blu on May 8, 2014 at 11:41 am

    Liquid L #173
    Wow… thank you for sharing about how to make the best of a situation…
    YOU were all dressed up..
    Went out even if your event was on a different night
    And had a happy, fun time!
    :->



  183.  #183Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 11:45 am

    I’m afraid to find out more because I don’t want the bubble to burst. Really enjoying the non-verbal communication! It’s like the mystery is always so much better than the reality!!



  184.  #184prplpsn28 on May 8, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Azure Blu…thank you! Yes…baby steps



  185.  #185Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Thanks Azure 181! I’m so glad I went out anyway, yeah, it was fun and I’m going to do it more often.



  186.  #186Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Millie – that is a really good point (165): speculation bears no fruit. It’s true. And I’m always trying to find the answers. But even if I had them, would it help? Probably not. Thanks for the reminder..

    And, of course, any “script” I propose is a rough draft, so to speak, and I hope would be edited to fit your personality and whatever it is you really want to say. Even if you like a script, I hope you are comfortable going “off-book.” You might need it! Because you never know how a guy will respond…



  187.  #187Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    I feel confused by S. I feel misled, assaulted, and betrayed. I feel like I got hit over the head with a brick. And he never had to even lift a finger. He sat there with his book and a glass of wine, fiddling with my emotions to get a rise out of me and create as much pain as possible. And I don’t understand WHY. It’s not a speculation. It’s just like a WTF?? Did he even mean to do that? Or did it just come out? Was I anxious about leaving, too? Hm. Interesting. I wasn’t there to have a relationship with him, just spend time. So why did he care so much? What did it matter to him if I had a personality flaw or a body flaw that was “bad” for a relationship? I asked him and he looked stumped. He said he didn’t know, but he couldn’t leave it alone. It was all very bizarre…



  188.  #188Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    LL 182 – I know what you mean! Some of my best conversations have been non-verbal πŸ™‚



  189.  #189Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    ((((((((Tereana))))))))))))

    I’m so sorry you went through that. That guy sounds like major bad news and there are absolutely no excuses for his behavior. You did the right thing by leaving. I hope that you aren’t looking back either. You need to heal after going through something so traumatic. I hope that you are seriously pampering yourself and treating yourself with lots of TLC girl!!!



  190.  #190Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    Tereana 187 LOL!!! πŸ˜€



  191.  #191Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Millie (166), that sounds very cool! Why not go? Invite a girlfriend if you want, so it’s not just you being insta-groupie. Lol (I’m assuming you meant playing music?). Anyway, it doesn’t sound bad. Don’t worry about what all this “means” for you. He’s going through a divorce he doesn’t want. You could be something very nice in his life. Just keep CDing, and see how you’re feeling, and have fun. Like Kyla, “easy breezy.” : )



  192.  #192Liquid Light on May 8, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    I sent someone a dear John letter a few days ago. I told him that I’m in a funk, kinda depressed, feel out of sorts and therefore not really ready to date. (All true.) But that I would like it if we could be friends.

    I just got a response back from him “take your time” ARGHHHH, the ones you try to shake won’t let go! wtf?



  193.  #193Kyla on May 8, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I dunno LL, I sent something similar to Archer and got the same response and I haven’t heard from him since so maybe this guy got the message and is just being a total gentleman about it, accepting your turn down without burning the bridge. He could have ignored you or said something nasty so I think its a nice response to get really.



  194.  #194Kyla on May 8, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    (((Tereana)))
    I feel so relieved you took care of yourself and sought help when you were feeling low. Thats a huge, brave act of self love. What he did or said was all about him and why you were there to witness it was to give you a chance to make a new choice. You did! You put your needs first!



  195.  #195Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Thank you, LL, that feels so nice to hear! It’s amazing that just with words, he was able to get me to go to the hospital. But in the end, that feels like a form of self-care. Even the doctor observed that I was there because I has the presence of mind not to hurt myself, but to get help instead. So yeah.

    I’ve actually been running through some choice words I’d like to put in an email to him. But I haven’t. And honestly, the thought of really doing it feels futile. It would likely be a wasted effort, and the truth is, after this experience, I don’t want to engage. He’s made it clear that’s not what he wants, and vice versa. I told him not to contact me.

    The truth is, this is only partly out of the blue. In the pat he has unceremoniously “let me go” for no reason. And now I must have gotten that much closer that he had to push me away that much more strongly.

    Anyway, what I think would be a better choice, instead of trying to figure out the best things to say to him, would be to find nice things to say/think to myself. Things like: I like my body just the way she is, thank you very much. It’s fun looking like a Botticelli painting. Everyone eise thinks I’m sexy as all heck. If he doesn’t think so, that’s his problem. Lol

    Also: good for me for taking care of myself, for expressing myself authentically, and for knowing when someone is not treating me well, for whatever reason. I’m thankful that I have friends who love me bad one who was willing to take me in on a moment’s notice. I’m thankful for my resourcefulness and trusting that if I made the move to leave, I would find a place to go. And thankful that, now that I am back in my home state, I can focus on what is right in front of me. A man like that does not deserve my attention, my time, my energy, my affection. All of that would go to feed his ego, which is grossly oversized as it is. Lol

    And finally, I know that this experience is helping me grow, by showing me – not my flaws, as he might have hoped – but rather to find my real value. To see and recognize my intrinsic value that is me, just being who I am, not contingent on a behavior, or a body type, or even doing “the right thing.” That my value transcends, deeply, whatever he thinks or might say about me. That even if I can’t truly and fully access that value now, I know that it is there, and I have a renewed and passionate commitment to come into contact with it bad to bring it to bear on my life so that I am valued, no matter what, because I am a woman who knows he own worth, and therefore that value does not and never will friend on the opinions of others.

    Far from taking me down, he is only helping me to grow much, much stronger. Stronger than his cowardly bullying could ever be.

    My choice words to him? It I send that email I would quote my favorite movie and say that he is “nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.” This is how I see him now. Cowardly, weak, and needing to hurt others because he does not have the stones to face love, in himself or others.

    But I’ve got them. I could well be the only woman who has ever talked back to him. Lucky b*stard ; )



  196.  #196Tereana on May 8, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Thank you Kyla! I always feel so excited to read about your adventures with ninja. It sounds beyond amazing, and I’m so happy for you!!



  197.  #197Millie on May 8, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Tereana–thanks! I did invite a girlfriend and he offered to put both of us on the guest list so we wouldn’t have to pay cover, which rocks. Yeah I’m down for easy breezy πŸ™‚



  198.  #198Tereana on May 11, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Millie, that is awesome πŸ™‚