A Great Success Story! From Toxic To Terrific With A New Man

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Here’s one of the most spectacular success stories I’ve ever received, from Allison. I found her request for private coaching with me lost in my mailbox, months later. Here’s her original letter:

“Rori, I recently purchased “The Modern Siren” and oh boy has it rocked my world. I need and want your help but at this point I don’t have much faith that what I am involved with can be saved.

I am 35 years old and have been with my husband since I was 23. I did not have much experience with men when we met. He is 17 years older than I am and for the past 6 years of our marriage his sexual desire has become non existent. In the beginning, I was really confused. I tried losing weight, bought sexy clothes, tried talking it to death then ignoring it and leaving it alone. Eventually I began an affair. I felt so neglected and alone and had so many needs and urges that I could no longer go without human contact and interaction.

I had been laid off of a very good corporate job and decided to pursue real estate which had always been a goal and passion of mine. My first day at the new office I met who would soon become my lover. He was also older, handsome, aggressive, attentive, detail oriented and most importantly he was the pursuer. He pursued and I gave in.

Shortly there after he wanted me to leave my husband and move in with him and everything was moving so fast I just shut down. I was all of the things in The Modern Siren. I was only available for limited amounts of time. I rarely called him or reached out to him. He had to schedule time with me way in advance. I never initiated anything. Now, the only reason I was behaving this way was because I was married. Had I not been married I would have probably done all of the wrong things.

This man is constantly crashing his boat for me. But being that I was and am married I just became increasingly confused and torn. Torn between hope of saving my marriage and fear of leaving it all for this new person that I wasn’t quite sure of. I believe my husband to be a good man, honest, trustworthy, reliable.

But very emotionally unavailable, selfish, hurtful, and uncaring at times. I have been begging for sex, love and intimacy for so many years and just could not take the rejection any longer. He would just say “its not you, its me, i just have no desire, i am depressed”.

As time went on, my lover became increasing impatient with me. When his love and all of his actions didn’t get the result he wanted, he would at times “threaten” to call my husband and out the relationship.

I became so fearful that I would pacify this person to keep the peace. This only created anger and resentment towards the new guy because I felt like I wasn’t making the choice to be with him because that was what I actually wanted but rather because I was fearful that if I did not comply that he would tell my husband.

When the new guy is angry at me or we have an argument and I hang up or remove myself from the situation, he shows up at my house, calls hundreds of times, demands that I pick up his call or he will tell my husband. When this person is not threatening me, he is charming, attentive, loving, giving. He always wants to cook for me, open doors for me, take me places, do everything and anything for me.

Completely opposite from my husband. Because of the threats he makes when we fight or something doesn’t go his way, it scares me and i cannot enjoy or accept the good things. When he is kind and loving and considerate, what goes through my head is “watch out, be careful, at any moment he could use this information against you, at any moment he could flip out”.

I have tried explaining my feelings about things till I am blue in the face. Yet he continues to threaten me because it works. If we argue and I say “I am hanging up now, I need to cool down”. He will say “don’t you dare hang up on me or I will come to your house and cause a scene”. I get scared and do as he asks. Then I feel hatred towards him on the inside that I am being forced to do this.

So back to my husband. I believe that because he is in his fifties that possibly he has had a drop in testosterone and some of his issues are chemical imbalances. However, only he can take action. I have tried talking to him so many times. I have shared my feelings about everything. He works when he works and that is it.

I do everything else that needs to be done to manage our lives. I feel alone. I don’t feel loved or protected or cared for by him. Yet somehow keep clinging to the marriage. I am 35 and desperately want to have children.We found out several years ago that because of his sperm our chances naturally are low but high with insemination.

He did not want to do that. Mostly because of the expense. It has truly devastated me. If he loved me and knows how much being a mother means to me, why wouldn’t he want to help make that happen for me?

When I express my needs or feelings he just says “I am sorry you feel that way, I am sorry you have wasted your life with me, you deserve better”. What do I say to that?

Basically I feel I am in two very toxic relationships. For all the madness with the lover, he at least engages with me. He talks, he reads, he tries. My husband does nothing. We could be in the same place day in and day out and he would never say a word to me. Never ask me a question. Never offer to do or to give anything to me or for me.

We just occupy the same space. We are having sex perhaps once a year. And its just a 5 minute act. No connection, no intimacy, nothing. At this point, I don’t want sex with my husband. He doesn’t know me, understand me or my body. You say to never give more than what your man is giving. If that were the case in my marriage, nothing would ever happen.

He never initiates anything. In fact, that is how we stopped having sex. I hated always initiating physical contact. So I stopped. I wanted to see what would happen.

What happened was that 7 months went by without so much as a glance at my naked body prancing around the house. In fact, one time my husband bragged about being able to go longer than I could without sex.

I’m just in this stuck place. I don’t know how to get out of it or make anything better. My husband looks so sad and pathetic. Most of the time when I look at him I want to cry. He is quite negative and sees everything negative. Anything that comes up he always sees what could go wrong and even projects it as if its reality instead of a possibility.

I feel overwhelming sadness. I have so much love to give and so much to offer. So much so that I feel the lover wants to smother me and hide my light from the rest of the world. He is so jealous and controlling and says its only because of the triangle.

He says if we were in a normal relationship he would not be this way because there would be no third party dynamic. I don’t know if I believe this. He is jealous of everyone in my life, including other woman.

Yesterday, I mentioned meeting someone that was a drummer. This person is a friend of my girlfriend. I mentioned chatting with this person about getting guitar lessons. Before I could even finish what I was saying my lover said “oh you asked him about guitar lessons? sounds like a pick up line to me?”

So my lover was saying that me asking this guy about the cost of guitar lessons was me really trying to come on to this guy. I just sat there utterly confused as to how me asking about lessons translated to me trying to pick this guy up.

This lover has made me see things in my husband that I didn’t know were there. My husband is much more gentle and understanding and not controlling in the least. Its like I have two complete opposites.

I have my husband who completely ignores me and is disconnected in every way, and then i have this crazy lover who is so intense and controlling and aggressive and makes me feel smothered.

Yet, I gravitate towards the smothering because even though we fight most of the time, its still feels better than being ignored. The yelling still feels like we are engaging unlike at home where there is just silence.

My husband has all the self help books. That was part of what attracted me to him. The Celestine Prophecy and all that good stuff. Yet he uses it all against me. Anytime I ask anything of him, or state a need or desire, he just flips it back on me and says “you are responsible for your own life and happiness. Pat your own self on the back, give your own self credit. Stop looking to me for these things.”

I just remember feeling so deflated. What he is saying seems like it makes sense, but made me feel so empty and sad inside. As if me asking my husband for support or kind words of encouragement was somehow wrong and its my responsibility to give words of encouragement to myself.

This past 12 months has been so emotionally challenging. My mother died when I was a child so I have few family left that I am close with. One was an Uncle that lives in England. He died recently and I was truly devastated. My husband could not go with me to the funeral because his passport was expired and he refuses to update it for political reasons. So I had to deal with that trip alone. In a foreign country with people I had not seen in years in a very distraught state of mind. But I did it.

Then I returned home only to learn that my sister-in-law was very very ill. She is the mother to my 6 year old little niece. I then traveled down south to help out all that I could. My brother was emotionally broken down at the thought that the mother was dying and he would soon be raising a little girl all by himself. When I thought my sister in law was better and out of the hospital, I returned home. One week later my brother called to tell me the mother had died. I was so devastated, for me and more so for my niece.

I could not believe that my mother died when I was a child and now here I have a niece that is going to go through the same experience. I so badly needed support. Yet my husband was no where to be found. He did not travel with me down south, nor did he attend that funeral. Again, his license was expired and he refuses to renew it. Its almost like a form of political protest.

Shortly thereafter, my grandmother died. The only other woman I had known growing up. So three funerals, all very significant people in my life and all three things I attended and dealt with alone. But when I express a need for support, all I get is “you must be responsible for your own life and happiness.” I just feel empty and angry that this man has had the best years of my life. Now what.

I don’t know if there is hope, but perhaps you can help me. I am thinking I might need to buy the DVD on Toxic Men next.


I responded when I saw her email to me, apologized for it taking so long, and asking for an update. This is what she wrote me:

Thank you for getting back to me. I did end up buying Toxic Men.

I ended up leaving both toxic relationships. I first ended the affair which caused the guy to stalk me and eventually make a scene in public. I was able to get a permanent restraining order against him. Then I moved out of the home I owned and got my own place. My ex husband still lives there and pays me rent.

He was devastated and never thought I would actually leave. It was really hard financially but my happiness and peace of mind was worth it.

I started working on me and healing myself and learning who I was again. I ended up losing a lot of weight, getting a great new job and then poof an amazing man came into my life.

There was a huge fire at my condo building where I own, where my ex lives. I was called to come right away as I am on the board. One of the responding police officers was smitten by me and asked me out. I thought to myself now is the time to practice all that I have learned from Rori Raye. Its only been two months and this man is crashing his boat all over the place.

He is much younger than me (24) and so I know financially he doesn’t make a lot. However I let him lead. We had a few dates where all we did was drive around and go sit at a look-out spot. Many of my girlfriends ask me why I don’t take him out to dinner etc and pick up the tab. Clearly they need to read The Modern Siren!

On Valentines Day I knew he probably didn’t have much money so I didn’t push the issue and I didn’t buy him anything. He came to pick me up and said “Is it ok if we just drive and sit at the harbor.” I said “As long as I am with you it doesn’t matter what we do”. He bought me a little bear and actually made me chocolate covered strawberries. When he dropped me off he grabbed my face and said “Thank you for not buying me anything, seriously.”

I realized then that had I bought him something it probably would have overshadowed what he did for me. The fact that I didn’t buy him anything made him feel so great and like the little that he did was a lot, and it was.

He is not your average 24 year old and with all honesty he has been more of a man to me than any older man I have been with.

I unfortunately lost a good friend through this process. We were both studying Rori’s stuff but only I actually put it into action. My best friend just couldn’t do it. She had the knowledge but resorted to “buying” her men. The more success she saw me have the more distant she became. And now we don’t even speak. I am sad for her because I am living proof that this information works!

I manifested an amazing man who can’t get enough of me and wants to give me all that he has. He has already asked me to be exclusive and said next year we are getting married.

My best friend on the other hand met a great guy, moved him in 2 weeks later, took him to fancy dinners, bought him expensive clothes and other gifts and after a month it was over. He said he was no longer attracted to her. To this day she is still trying to win him back with gifts. So sad. She has completely taken on the masculine role and she doesn’t see that is why he’s no longer attracted to her. But she thinks if she does more, buys more, gives more, he will come back.

I am so grateful to be writing this email. My birthday is on Friday and my new guy is planning a big surprise. My ex never did anything special for my bday in 10 years.

My new guy has the spare key for my place, although this is MY place. He is working the 4pm to midnight shift. When I came home at 7pm he had covered my whole apartment with sticky notes each saying something beautiful. “I love you, I adore you, I miss you, I need you, I will never leave your side, see what our love is making me do”.

I just sat there and cried. The love and joy is just so overwhelming and long overdue.

I hope you can use my story to inspire someone else that may be where I was.

I just want to make sure now that I have this wonderful man, that I do the rights things to keep him!

Thank you so much,


From Me:

I just wanted to post this so you could see that this can HAPPEN for you!Β  No matter WHERE you’re starting from!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Brandylion on April 30, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I think I’m ready to buy Targeting Mr. Right. I bought Modern Siren on CD to listen to in my car, but I feel like I’m missing the visual aspects and that seeing the role playing would be helpful for me.

    For TMR, would you recommend CD or DVD?

    Thanks for your input!

    P.S. Is this my first firsties?

  2.  #2Starbright on April 30, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Wow! A very inspiring post! Thank-you!

  3.  #3Starla on April 30, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Welly welly well, my droogettes;), I am feeling sooooooo angry and irritated today. Move energy, move! muahahahahahaa! *power*

  4.  #4Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 8:38 am


    I think it’s always more meaningful on DVD. So much communication is in body language. For me, it always comes down to my budget and where I will be able to listen to it.

  5.  #5GivingGirl on April 30, 2012 at 8:41 am

    The post sounds all nice and wonderful, but I feel something nagging at me that doesn’t feel good, but I can’t put my finger on it.

    I’m very tired today. After arriving at work, I am cranky too. Our big boss is very demoralizing and devaluing. Today was another example. I’m sure there will be more after our staff meeting this afternoon. Oh joy!

  6.  #6Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 8:52 am


    Wow, what an inspiring story! I feel amazed!

  7.  #7light heart on April 30, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Kudos to Allison for getting out of both toxic relationships so elegantly! The new one with the younger guy could be temporary, or not, because he may or may not be ‘the one’, but it doesn’t matter, because it sounds like it is working well, now, and she feels really good about herself and the relationship and creating new and better ways of being in relationship that she will be natural to her going forward. Way to be true to yourself, Allison!

    light heart

  8.  #8Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 9:08 am

    After suppressing my emotions for so many years growing up, and into my 20s, now my emotions are intense.

    I feel everything so deeply, and it often takes half the day…or the whole day…to feel “normal” enough to function.

    My thot was that if I were this woman in Rori’s post, I would have been deep in depression for years. I wouldn’t have just bounced back after ten years or so in such an unfulfilling relationship. I would have been in therapy for about 3 years after a toxic lover who operated in such a controlling way.

    So that always brings me back to why am I such a messed up woman? Why can’t I just apply Rori’s principles and run with it?

    I’m just not functioning right; I’m not applying Rori’s tools right. I feel like a total fu(k-up! And I know this is where I’m supposed to have compassion on myself, and I do. But it feels impossible to change.

    The overall shadow to dating is my weight. This is not an appeal for more weight loss programs. I know exactly how to lose weight – I lost 90 lbs in the late 80s and kept it off for 7 years. But my overeating and all my bad behavior is a cry for love.

    I’m not supposed to put that on a man, that’s too much pressure. So what the fu(k do you do when you need to be loved???????????????

    When I’m hungry, I eat.
    When I’m thirsty, I drink.
    When I’m tired, I sleep.
    When I feel stiff, I walk.
    When I need supplies, I shop.
    When I need love, I am supposed to reach deep inside, like I’ve been doing for 30 years, and conjure it up for myself. If that is how I had to handle my other needs, I’d be dead!

    So is it any wonder that I feel half dead? I’m emotionally starving! I don’t get it. There is something I don’t get. The only halfway solution I know for needing love and affection is to go get laid.

    I could get laid 7 days a week if I chose to. But that’s not what I want! I want and need RELATIONSHIP. And I want and need it so bad that I keep messing it up with R, even tho he has come back to me again and again for 3 years, when I truly didn’t deserve it.

  9.  #9Jan on April 30, 2012 at 9:27 am

    In some ways I can relate with Radlove… I found that story so inspiring; for about 30 seconds. Then I feel completely overthrown and bowled over by this huge wave of sadness and regret and need. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I am trying to internalizing the tools that I have learned so far in the modern siren. I am trying to not let every emotion hinge on one person, who does not seem to want me anyway. I am leaning back, minute to minute, in order to not reach forward with excuses, and an attempt to control the outcome that has already happened. I want to explain to him why I have walked away….I wonder if he has even noticed. I am afraid of the finality of my choices. I am trying to stay open when every fiber of my being wants to hide under my bed. In all of these things I feel like such a failure.

    This wonderful story by this inspiring woman should make me feel empowered and hopeful and strong. Instead I feel like a total loss as a woman. I guess this would be an example of what Rori calls “stuck. πŸ™

  10.  #10Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Radlove, I think you should go have sex. Your in over exasperated love starved mode where nothing looks clear. You wouldn’t turn down an imperfect meal would you if hungry right? It might take years to find a perfect relationship.

    We are human, we have needs, and we deserve it.

    I think you put too much pressure on yourself. And you are stubborn, it’s ok to change your mind.

  11.  #11Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Hugs to Radlove. I feel sad reading yoru post. I feel a weight in my chest and kind of want to scream but then feel scared.

    Maybe because of just reading this email from Rori and it made me realize that I am feeling terrified the closer my fellow does get to me. I am so surprised by the capacity he is showing emotionally and then I think I get really scared that it will evaporate or he is just tricking me.

    Rori’s email said:
    But, sometimes, we vent our anger on someone else (usually the people closest to us) because we’re really angry at ourselves.

    We’re really angry at our own fear and lack of boundaries.

    When we’re closed off in some ways, we attract relationships that keep that kind of balance and tension – it’s just too scary to get closer.
    I thought I had boundaries and then somehow I didn’t with LUFC Man (I feel like I need to give him a name like I see most of you guys do).

    I feel really angry at life ALOT. Being a single mom has been exhausting and my ex husband has been angry at me for a decade and he is the one who left me…(I have tried to be so understanding and maybe I just need to be pissed!). I have been broke raising my son for so long that I’m not sure I’d even know what to do if I had money. Right now I don’t have a job and I feel really terrified that I may never find something that feels good and pays well.

  12.  #12April Rose on April 30, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Oooh, Allison. Ooh, Rori,

    This is a good story, and it gives me hope.

    I find myself involved with milder versions of Allison’s two men. My two feel like good men with toxic traits, whereas her husband and lover seemed to be on the extreme end of the scale.
    Sometimes extreme cases are more helpful; it is obvious then that you need to get out of there.

  13.  #13April Rose on April 30, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Giving Girl,

    What is it that is nagging at you after reading this post?
    What sort of a feeling do you get?

  14.  #14light heart on April 30, 2012 at 9:43 am

    My take is…. (and I know you know all this, but it bears repeating until it becomes reality, not just for you, but for all)

    …..that deep down inside, you feel that you are not good enough !

    You can’t get love and affection from outside yourself, because you still really don’t think you deserve it.

    A lot of that comes from you really believing what the inner judge tells you about what it means when something that you don’t want to happen happens

    (it is telling you that you’re not good enough, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.). For example,

    “Oh, my man is staring at that woman over there. I must not be good enough.” You get the picture.

    You have to start believing more from the POV that you are OK, even more than OK, just as you are, and that what other people do is not all about you.

    You are entitled to feel anger, hurt, betrayal, etc. if an agreement was broken, but it is just of no benefit whatsovever to totally invest in believing what the inner judge tells you that it is supposed to mean about YOU when that man is staring at that woman.

    Not that you would stop your efforts to lose weight or use Rori tools. But none of that will work if you feel SO not good enough, to even have a chance to work properly.

    what is this ?:
    “And I want and need it so bad that I keep messing it up with R, even tho he has come back to me again and again for 3 years, when I truly didn’t deserve it.”

    It’s you believing that what you do makes you not good enough for R to come back to you, and that is not true, and it is what prevents real relationship, with him or any man.

    much love

    light heart

  15.  #15Jilly on April 30, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    Well this weekend felt so warm and yummy. Rugby man and I went camping with friends. It was just how I’ve always wished my life would be. AND…. He told me he loved me. πŸ™‚

    He is so strong and caring and I feel so happy and good.

    Thank you Universe
    Thank you Rori
    Thank you Sirens
    Thank you life

    I love my life…

  16.  #16Jilly on April 30, 2012 at 9:48 am

    This is how I feel….

    “I just sat there and cried. The love and joy is just so overwhelming and long overdue.”

  17.  #17light heart on April 30, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Radlove, I agree with Turquoise #10
    I go years without and that just sucks big time.
    so I will be doing that with someone who I find attractive enough, but most likely not LTR material,
    and not likely I would get attached.
    Just because I like to treat myself well. Because
    I am worth it. haha, just now got a text from a CD I havent met yet, saying “needing love now”…well, alrighty then…maybe , maybe not. I have options.

    light heart

  18.  #18Starla on April 30, 2012 at 9:49 am

    I was wondering how old everyone is here, and if you have kids? I feel curious how I fit in here.

  19.  #19light heart on April 30, 2012 at 9:50 am

    That is wonderful, Jilly
    I’m so happy for you and Rugby man!

    it’s what we all deserve!


    light heart

  20.  #20Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I feel really dumb about relationships and men right now. I don’t know what is normal and what is not normal and I’m struggling to differentiate and feel like i need to so I can sort out what is my own triggered crap and really where my boundaries are.

    LUFC Man has been pulled back and saying over the past couple of weeks (these 2 weeks following 2 really amazing weeks where he stepped up big time) that he is not sure and he is worried that he will be under my thumb and that I go and make plans without consulting him and that he doesn’t get upset about it and he’s worried I will get upset with him and he will never be able to make me happy and he’s not sure I can hang on while he builds his business, which might mean he is really busy or has to go away…Yesterday he said all this while really tenderly holding my hand (which is NOT something he enjoys usually – he says it makes him feel smothered or trapped or something to that effect).

    Help! Is this in the realm of normal – him pulling back cuz he’s scared – or because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me?

  21.  #21Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 9:57 am

    @18: Starla
    I have one son (14) and I’m 45.
    How about you?

  22.  #22April Rose on April 30, 2012 at 9:58 am


    I feel happy. I love the simplicity I feel about love, from reading that your wishes are coming true.

  23.  #23Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Funny, I feel about 14 right now with respect to my competency with relationships and men. πŸ™

  24.  #24Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I feel weird being on a blog so much lately (I’ve never shared so personally online)…

    I feel grateful for all of you and this blog…

    I feel overwhelmed when I am away from the blog and then trying to catch up on what has been written and wanting to connect in a personal way with what has been written and it stirs up emotions in me too and then struggling to remember everything everyone has said when the comment they wrote is like 200 above where I would leave a new comment.

    I have to go to a job interview…I feel nervous…I want to stay here…

  25.  #25Starla on April 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

    I’m 27, no kids, feeling like my time is never gonna come:(

  26.  #26Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I am 38, and my girls are 9 & 11

  27.  #27Emerson on April 30, 2012 at 10:09 am

    This really speaks to me because when I first started reading her story, I felt that she only had two choices and I kind of got “locked” into those two options in her world….but there were clearly more than those two men to pick from…and she was able to see it and break free for herself and wow…how brave she is. I am a few years older than her, but it makes me feel that I can be open to a younger man if he is the right one.

    I am going to remember not to limit myself and this article really speaks to me…thanks Rori.

  28.  #28light heart on April 30, 2012 at 10:10 am

    20 LoveActually

    There really is no normal and not normal,
    I believe it starts with knowing exactly what you want,
    and then communicating that to your man in a way that makes him sit up and take notice of how well you take care of yourself. for instance, something like, “I like to be in a relationship where….” and he tells you what he wants,

    then if you both want the same things and respect each other,

    you can make clear agreements together about what that is supposed to look like, and what the consequences might be should those agreements be broken without discussing it first.

    But yeah, getting rid of a lot of confusion, I think it goes back to knowing what you want, and what’s good for you.

    light heart

  29.  #29Starla on April 30, 2012 at 10:13 am

    i’m being e*vil today. i am hoping CF is missing me terribly and suffering and crying himself to sleep questioning if he made the right choice.

  30.  #30Jilly on April 30, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Thank you light heart and April Rose πŸ™‚

    It seriously has NEVER been easier or better than this….EVER… πŸ™‚ and I don’t feel anxiety about it either…it feels freeing and wonderful…

    I am 32 with no kids…

  31.  #31Emerson on April 30, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Radlove I feel sad reading the end of your post when you say you didn’t “deserve it”….I feel angry that you would feel that way about yourself and protective of you against that thought.

  32.  #32Tam on April 30, 2012 at 10:19 am

    @Starla, mid thirties, never been married and no kids. You have plenty of time. One of my best friends met the man of her dreams aged 50 and is getting married for the first time and that gives me – and I suspect many others – lots of hope. πŸ™‚
    Not that I want to wait that long!!! πŸ™‚

  33.  #33CurvySiren10 on April 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Radlove, from someone who shares your weight issues. I can tell you that NO weight loss program will make up for not feeling as if you “deserve” self-care and healthy eating. Permanent weight loss occurs when your desire to take care of the wonderful person who is you outweighs the desire to eat for comfort and emotional reasons. I have lost over 120 lbs. so far and have more to go, but I know it’s all a bandaid over a serious injury UNLESS and UNTIL I love myself enough to take care of the physical me lovingly ..with good food and exercise.

    This has been very enlightening to me. I know Jilly addresses this on her “Aligned Weight Loss” site and program. I am a really big believer in this now after spending a lifetime thinking it was all about calories and dieting.

    I still struggle but I am getting there. It’s all about self-love and esteem. Being overweight can really wreak havoc on our psyches….I know this first hand.

  34.  #34Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Aaaawwwwwwwwwww Jilly bean!!!!! So so happy for you!

  35.  #35Starla on April 30, 2012 at 10:23 am

    What’s extra weird about today is all these people who became upset with me/went into silent mode with me are contacting me today.

    Even my mother. She emailed me to say she is so sorry I didn’t get into grad school (grandma told her) and that she is sending me love and hugs.

    Then she suggested another school, which irked me, but that is just how she is, always trying to solve people’s problems.

  36.  #36Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 10:24 am


    RE: #10 – LOL. LOLOLOLOL! πŸ˜†

  37.  #37Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 10:26 am

    {{{Love Actually}}}


  38.  #38CurvySiren10 on April 30, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Starla, 51 with kids (12-22). Divorced in the past year. Navigating the relationship world as a siren this time. The ladies on here run the gamut. You have plenty of time. I am so impressed with how you’re getting through this cf thing. I’m also glad that your anger is surfacing. I personally think he went about this in a very cowardly non-manly way. I think the anger you’re feeling now is a sign of great healing taking place.

  39.  #39light heart on April 30, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Been married and divorced once, had two children, now grown. I’ve done so much work on my inner world, so it would be nice to have a relationship with a man where I am most special to him and him to me to grow old with. I’m not desperate or frantic, nor will I feel lucky to just have anyone. I focus on living as well as I can with what I have been given. loving myself and other people, not giving up or saying, what’s the point, and am staying open to receive him.

    light heart

  40.  #40Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Light heart,

    RE: #14 – thank you, that helps so much. You hit the nail on the head. You sirens are wonderful.

  41.  #41CurvySiren10 on April 30, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Jilly, I feel so happy for you too!

  42.  #42Starla on April 30, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Oooh I feel so excited learning more about you ladies!

    CurvySiren, you always say the most amazing things to me. I wish you were my mom;)

  43.  #43GivingGirl on April 30, 2012 at 10:41 am

    @13 April Rose

    It’s Allison’s new relationship with the 24 year old. I feel she is babying him. He sounds so sweet & vulnerable. I feel she thinks she’s above him and she’s doing him favors to feel better about himself. I don’t feel she’s with him for the right reasons. He may be giving her all the things she wants, but I don’t think he’s making her happy. I don’t know, it sounds good on paper, but it just doesn’t feel good to me.

  44.  #44Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 10:45 am

    @28: light heart

    Thank you for offering your thoughts…

    What you say makes alot of sense to me, I definitely need to be more clear about what I want in a very practical day to day way that I can say to him, it feels good when…or I want a relationship in which I can…

    I think we are in this back and forth stage of discovery right now and I can see that if I was still dating other men, this would be so much easier for me, but I am 2 years in and I don’t feel comfortable to backtrack all the way to dating at the moment.

    I feel afraid because I think there will always be things that two people don’t agree on or ebbs and flows in energy and wants for being close and being alone. I tend to strive very hard myself to live in my own integrity and have been told throughout my life by most folks I come into contact with that I am too hard on myself and for some folks they take this as too hard for them too – that what I expect of myself, I expect of them…which is true of LUFC Man – I do expect honesty, integrity, kindness, mutuality to a very high degree and have told him I have very high expectations, and he is capable and has seemed like he wants to step up and has stepped up and I am struggling to let go of past hurts with him and it seems like it is so hard – we both feel this way and yet want to keep working on it and he keeps trying to do what he thinks I am asking for and sometimes he misses the mark and it’s confusing for him and me too- maybe this is the rough patch and the really good stuff will come for longer and longer periods.

  45.  #45lk on April 30, 2012 at 10:54 am

    wow, curvy siren ! congratulations on losing 120 lbs that must feel really amazing…. : ))

  46.  #46Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 10:55 am


    RE: #31 – “Radlove I feel sad reading the end of your post when you say you didn’t β€œdeserve it”….I feel angry that you would feel that way about yourself and protective of you against that thought.”

    Thank you. I have aired a whole lot of the stuff I have messed up in my relationship with R the last three years. If I were to air all of the serious mistakes I made, stuff Rori never even thot of a woman doing wrong, maybe you would agree with me that I didn’t deserve him coming back.

    But maybe I worded it wrong. I deserve a loving good man in my life. But maybe the way I should have worded it is that most men would have taken off time and time again after the serious social faux pas I did, and the serious yelling and swearing I did. But R kept coming back again and again. And I feel sure he still will come back.

    But over and over I either declare my love or put pressure on him to give me more love. And even tho mentally I understand that’s not cool, I just keep doing it. It is a miracle in my view that R is still anywhere in sight.

    He has a lot more tolerance and acceptance than the average man because he knows what it feels like to be laughed at when you have shortcomings. Because his schizophrenia has left him with a lot of hard rejection when he is out in public, and in interactions with other women.

    I love him with all my heart.

  47.  #47Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 10:56 am


    RE: #33 – Thanks, I agree.

  48.  #48GivingGirl on April 30, 2012 at 10:57 am

    @27 Starla

    I’m 36, no kids and I feel the same way as you. πŸ™

  49.  #49Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 11:00 am

    My dogs are so intelligent and so tuned in to me! When I pick up my coat, purse, and keys, they know I’m going out. No big deal there. But just now I put a barrette in my hair, something I only do when I’m going out, and my dog came up to me smiling and waggin, LOL! So cute!

    Gonna take my girls for a ride in the car!

  50.  #50CurvySiren10 on April 30, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Thank you lk. It does feel amazing. I can’t begin to describe how my life has transformed because of it. But in order to get the rest off (another 30-40 lbs) and KEEP it off, I have to keep working on self-love and care. There is no other way…the healthy eating and activity that has always been so hard to do falls in to place almost effortlessly once you truly love yourself and put yourself first.

    Jilly could expound on this so much better than I can, but I believe it wholeheartedly.

  51.  #51lk on April 30, 2012 at 11:06 am

    jilly, your website is really neat & inspiring & feels good & refreshing to read : )

  52.  #52Sassy on April 30, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Radlove-many virtual hugs and love to you.
    I keep repeating this saying to myself as I’m trying to recognize my past patterns (as FeminineWoman brings up frequently, thank you FW!) and changing what I dont like or want and remove or change:
    “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”
    I am looking at my patterns in all areas of my life and figuring out what I have control over that I can change. I sure can’t change the past, but I can direct my present and my future and be the best I can be for me!
    I am 56, have two daughters, two grandsons and one granddaughter.

  53.  #53Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Aww, Jilly, I’m so happy for you! I can actually feel your happiness. I am teary-eyed.

  54.  #54lk on April 30, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Radlove… i do believe it is all about the Beliefs you hold about your Value or what you Deserve.

    you deserve perfect bliss : ) you are a Creature of God – you are part of His Creation – you are necessarily Perfect, Perfectly Loving, Perfectly Loved, Perfectly Worthy….

    i don’t Believe in “guilt” & i do not Believe that you have ever done anything in your life to make you Less Worthy of love & happiness – in the Bible, over & over, You Are Forgiven ! He Died For Your Sins ! it’s really amazing the Love that the Bible describes & i want that & i aspire to that….

    in a lot of situations, i have heard of people “giving it up to God” – i feel curious if that would help you when you feel conflicted about Men, Sexuality, Other Humans, R, etc…. i feel curious if you could want to just STOP making your own “decisions” or… Taking Action…. & just…… give it up to Him ?

    that sounds beautiful to me, but i’m not sure how it would feel for you… or how it is that you feel now about that…

    i know that your Relationship with God feels most important to you & i want to be respectful of you & your Relationship.

  55.  #55CurvySiren10 on April 30, 2012 at 11:24 am

    starla, that is such a sweet thing to say! I would love that…i’m a pretty cool mom too. πŸ™‚ my daughter and i are very close and i’m trying so hard to teach her things i wish i knew when i was 18….

    i feel very protective and concerned about you. you impress me so much with your maturity and self-love and growth. you have SO much in your favor at such a young age. you’re gonna have an awesome life!!!

  56.  #56Jilly on April 30, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Wow!!! thank you CurvySiren10…I feel teary eyed and happy and excited with your posts πŸ™‚

    Your weight loss journey feels so good and inspiring to hear and you totally get it… You know how this works and I feel honored that you mentioned my name…thank you πŸ™‚ You sound soooo good!

    You said it perfectly, “There is no other way…the healthy eating and activity that has always been so hard to do falls in to place almost effortlessly once you truly love yourself and put yourself first.” Brilliant!!

  57.  #57Jilly on April 30, 2012 at 11:44 am

    lk…thank you πŸ™‚ I feel happy hearing that… I absolutely love it.

    Good Heart…awwww, thank you….and I’m not sure if you realized how much you influenced us here with the “Universe Box” tool…it is awesome and I know there are lots of us doing it πŸ™‚

    Turquoise…ha! I love that you called me Jilly bean πŸ™‚ and thank you πŸ™‚

    K I’m still catching up on posts πŸ™‚

  58.  #58Mel on April 30, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I’m being reminded that this is a continuous process.

    I was invited to go on a vacation… which feels super fun and happy and exciting. And my “old” self wanted to jump in and start doing research on the best place to go and find a really great deal and email him all of these amazing links…

    But then I caught myself…. stop it! It would feel a little “Eeek!” to give up control and be open to whatever. But yet, it would also feel freeing to just let HIM do this. Let him plan it, take care of it, surprise me, feel like the vacation hero. Yes… stop it.

  59.  #59Mel on April 30, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Yay Jilly!!!! You are too cute!

  60.  #60Dominique on April 30, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Love Always – How about trying this – let go of your expectations, for yourself mostly but also for others, intimate relationships included. And now try just enjoying what is.

    So you didn’t finish your project. So what. So it isn’t perfect. So what. So the house is a mess. So what. So your man messed up. So what. So you leaned forward or overfunctioned or do whatever it is that make you feel cringey inside.

    Life can be so much more fun when you can let go (mostly) of perfectionism which is how I’m reading you having very high expectations.

    Expectations can be a form of control, and when you carry them, you set yourself up for disappointment, for hardly anyone, even yourself can live up to expectations. Plus you will also will miss out on so much of the potential wonderfulness already right there in front of you.

    When I say letting go of expectations though, I’m not talking about things that would just be without thought in a good relationship, eg. love and respect.

    We all make mistakes; we all do and say stupid things, and so do our men. It doesn’t have to be a negative unless it becomes a pattern with him. Then it’s maybe time for some rethinking.

    I’m also not saying that this is you necessarily. Yet it might be. It could be something interesting, fun, maybe challenging to try on for size.


  61.  #61Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I felt my heart swell when I read about the Universe Box, Jilly πŸ™‚ I used it when I wasn’t feeling well & I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I just wrote “me” on a piece of paper & put it in there.

    Now I need to put “my face” in there because I am breaking out like a teenager & it’s lowering my vibe.

    I’m really touched that other sirens are using the box πŸ™‚

  62.  #62Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Haha – walking around with a box on my face might actually help! πŸ™‚

  63.  #63arrowofthyme on April 30, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    This is my first comment here – hopefully my story will help other people and give me some comfort too. I’ve also been practicing receiving instead of being in my masculine. i met an awesome guy who for months was pursuing me and taking me out. i let him pay for everything, i practiced receiving and speaking with “i feel”, and responded in different ways than i used to before whenever i got triggered. he was pretty smitten. after about 10 dates, i started cooking a meal or two or offering to pay for little things. And i started to wonder when he was going to commit to me, but i didnt push it. On the 14th date he looked at me and said he wished he was a woman because they can just go out on a date and get fed. it He had been very poor growing up and it turns out he had been feeling resentful that i never offered to pay for my share. it was shocking. i thought he was enjoying the pursuit and that i had found someone who was masculine and caring. i tried to stay open and point out that i had cooked a few dinners and reciprocated but that i feel good when men are taking me out. that its ok for me to want that, and it doesnt make me a gold digger. since then its been hard not to shut down – every meal is tense, and we started to split them. i make much less than him. its so hard to not turn into a cactus when i feel attacked. this time i felt sideswiped. has anyone gotten this weird bait and switch before?

  64.  #64Starla on April 30, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    oooh i am so angry bones today.
    love to me
    and love to my anger

  65.  #65Radiant Rising on April 30, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Hi Goodheart! πŸ™‚

    (((HUGS))) If you would like to try for your skin, hold your index, middle fingers and thumb like they are a laser and imagine laser painting your face with the colors blue (to calm down the pain if you have any), then green (to reduce inflammation) then yellow. Yellow is the color of joy and personal power, and it is used to treat skin, and sugar imbalances as well as digestive issues (it is the color of our solar plexus chakra). Can do each color for three minutes (or whatever time you like) and envision all of the impurities being washed away fromt he colors. Can imagine yellow repairing and revitalizing the skin tissue bringing it back to a healthy glow.

    I suddenly feel embarrassed and fearful like this may be scoffed at, but I had to share. Try it and see if it works. There are so many options when it comes to skin. Anti inflammatory foods are really helpful in getting your glow and vibrance back as well. Feel free to email me too if you want. Love ya, good luck!

  66.  #66Dominique on April 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Radiant – I love working with energy and especially energy and colors for healing. I’m working on a video series which will include a lot of this. I love this one you outlined here.


  67.  #67Radiant Rising on April 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Hi Dominique,

    Thank you! How wonderful about your video series. I would love to see it once it is completed. πŸ™‚ Any idea how long it will be?

  68.  #68light heart on April 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    29: Starla says:

    “i’m being e*vil today. i am hoping CF is missing me terribly and suffering and crying himself to sleep questioning if he made the right choice.”

    Yes, he’s saying this to himself right now:


    light heart

  69.  #69Brandylion on April 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Starla, I’m 30, no kids. As I’ve mentioned before, I had one relationship in college and didn’t date at all in my 20s until I met PriestCD right before I turned 30. Talk about feeling like your time is never going to come–I’m in the dating process where a lot of women are when they’re a decade younger!

  70.  #70Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Radiant, so happy to hear from you πŸ™‚ It’s so amazing because I just spent 15 minutes meditating & I was seeing a lovely shade of blue over my face, which felt so calming to me so I went with it & just focused on healing energy on my face.

    It’s so nice of you to comment to me & I value your opinion. I am going to do this meditation every day & paint my face with blue, green, and yellow.

    I absolutely love this idea πŸ™‚

  71.  #71Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Oh and also, Radiant, what kinds of anti-inflammatory foods would you recommend?

    I hope you are doing well – with your reiki and all aspects of your life. How is everything in your world?

  72.  #72Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Wow that story is sooooooo beautiful!!!!!!

  73.  #73Gemini on April 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Starla…I’m 35, divorced with 2 kids (4 & 10). Somehow I managed to get married once (although it ended in disaster), now I’m trying to figure out how to go about things the right way this time around…fresh start! I’d love to hear more about the Universe Box… πŸ™‚

  74.  #74Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    I’m 47, no kids, never married. I am now in a committed relationship with EC. We have just celebrated our one year anniversary on the 23rd.

    If everything goes according to plan, which means getting my driver’s license, I will be moving in with him at the end of this year.

  75.  #75Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I live my universe box too Goodheart! Sometimes I’ll pull on out in the morning and it helps me focus my energy to that one like raise, new car, etc. I put it back in right away, after kidding the paper πŸ™‚

  76.  #76Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Gemini, the Universe Box is just a box of your choosing. Mine is rather small, but pretty. I put a little note on the outside, “Universe” in my favorite color.

    Whenever, I have a problem or a want, a need, a desire, an issue I write it on a piece of paper & put it in the Universe Box. Then I turn my attention away from it & let the universe work its magic.

    It’s a way of letting go of things that we may not have much control over anyway. And we open ourselves up to amazing ways of creating our desires & solving our problems because the Universe can open more doors then we’d ever be able to imagine πŸ™‚

    It’s helped me relax & release stress.

  77.  #77Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Oh dear lord… Auto correct! That should say love my box pull one out, and kissing it

  78.  #78Starla on April 30, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I went and got myself a smoothie since I still can’t eat very much food (my poor emotional stomach) and had a rent check made at the bank. I also wrote my mom back and it brought tears to my eyes. I just said thank you for the nice note, and that I have been feeling so sad. Usually I would try to be prickly or overfunction.

    My mom must have felt that I am hurting right now. My grandma can always feel it.

    I think it’s time to go to the bathroom for a good cry, lol…

  79.  #79Starla on April 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I feel so happy that so many of you are answering my query about age/kids/marriage. I feel seen! Thank you!

  80.  #80Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm


    I’m sorry you’re still feeling off today.

    I totally understand as I’m feeling the same way, obviously not for the same reasons, but still…

    It probably has something to do with my troubled sleep these days.

  81.  #81Goodheart on April 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Turquoise, I take out the slips sometimes too πŸ™‚ just to see if there are any I’ve forgotten.

    Oh, and I actually have a second Universe box. This one is like a vision board. It’s a really pretty box with pictures of lovely flowers all over it. On the top of the box I spelled out (with letters cut out from magazines) “Whatever is Contained in this box IS!” (meaning that it exists in my vortex & I just have to allow it to come into my physical life).

    I’ve put all sorts of pictures in there (dream car, flowers, decor, jewelry – anything that makes me smile). I also cut out some words from magazines, “Happy” “Love” “Fun” and toss them in there too πŸ™‚

    I’ve already received some of the things (after I had forgotten they were even in there πŸ™‚

  82.  #82Starla on April 30, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Francesca, thank you:) I am going to feel off for a while. I circled a date a month out from when I texted last week to let him know i was also gonna go silent, and I give myself permission to be ‘off’ until then. This is serious heartbreak for me, and that’s okay.

  83.  #83Tam on April 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    So now this is interesting. Inside the mind of the ‘unavailable’ man. After 1 1/2 years of on/off and him always contacting me again after a break, I finally told him how I felt (that I had feelings for him), and that I am not up for FWB, only a serious relationship. So he replies this (doesn’t want to close doors but no commitment):

    ‘It is best that we stay friends for sure.. we want different things – FWB would be best for me, not so much for you.. so – we agree .. ‘

    I am torn between being grateful for his honesty (mainly) and feeling flat, since I know we both have feelings and he has his issues to work through. Should I answer him that I don’t want to be friends and we just leave it there, or should I not answer anything and just step away. I tend to the latter.

    What would you do? It’s hard but I am not going to convince him of anything, there is no point.

    Aw πŸ™ I knew he would think this…didn’t expect any different really, would have been nice tho πŸ™

  84.  #84Starla on April 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    My mom wrote back and said it’s okay if i don’t want to, but that i can always talk to her or email her.

    awww thanks, strange lady who lied to me and disappeared out of my life multiple times.

  85.  #85Starla on April 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm


  86.  #86Tam on April 30, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    @ Starla. I feel for you. You’ll get through it, you seem like a strong person. I know it’s hard.

  87.  #87Tam on April 30, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    ((((((Starla))))) πŸ™‚

  88.  #88Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Starla, I love how strong you are in spite of everything.

  89.  #89Gemini on April 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Goodheart…thanks for the explanation about the Universe Box, I love that idea! My friend is always hyping her ‘Vision Board’ thing too, so I know there’s something there with the visual, concrete representations of abstract stuff…thank you! πŸ™‚

  90.  #90Gemini on April 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    @Starla…thanks for asking the question! I’m new here, so it’s nice to get a feel for the range of lovely ladies here πŸ™‚ bless

  91.  #91Tam on April 30, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I decided that it doesn’t matter whether feelings are involved on both sides or not, if a guy is not into you or more into you than you are into him, all the love in the world isn’t going to make you happy. So it is possible to love someone and not want what they have to offer. End of.
    Hope that feeling lasts πŸ˜‰

  92.  #92Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    60: Dominique

    I feel so much fear reading your post – tears streaming down my face and knots in my stomach and my shoulders are all bunched up. I know I have control issues with LUFC Man right now.

    He made some really, really major mistakes last year that just left me feeling crushed and I separated myself from him and when he came back to me I set up all kinds of HUGE expectations around what hoops he would have to jump through to prove himself and he has jumped quite a bit and is now resisting quite a bit too.

    I just don’t know how to let go…I am terrified. I’m not even sure of what. I feel kind of foolish. I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid of never having this kind of attraction again – it’s off the hook crazy for both of us.

    I get triggered like crazy and everything passes across my face and he often reacts to what is on my face before I am even realizing what I’m feeling…

    I’ve been trying to do as much yoga as I can, meditation, visualization, walking, getting involved in new activities on my own, using feeling messages as much as possible (which has been amazing when I am able to do it). Lately though, he is feeling very weighed down by my focus on him…ewwww, I feel so pathetic and also kind of tender towards myself. I was so hurt and of course its going to take some time to heal…

  93.  #93Dominique on April 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Sending you much love Love Actually. I didn’t want to upset you, yet sometimes a good stirring up is needed.

    You know all of this you are feeling, all the fears you are experiencing are feelings and fears we all carry to some degree or another.

    I certainly have had all of these and more, and I can still have them, but it gets easier.

    Awareness is the hugest piece, for you have something to work with. And letting go is a process. It can feel easy, or it can feel incredibly difficult depending on its depth and hold it has on your psyche and heart.

    It’s easy for me to say, “stop thinking so much. get out of your head and into your body,” but I know it’s not so easy to do. Been there sweetheart, nasty feeling stories spinning seemingly endlessly, over and over and over.

    So you take it one story at a time. One thought at a time. When a not useful for you thought arises, gently push it away, many times in a row if you have to. Tell it that it’s a lie, and you’re not going to listen to gremlin lies, not in this moment anyway.

    Just keep gently turning towards something better feeling whatever this might look like to you.

    It can take some time to rewire negative habits. But you see them now, and you CAN let them go.

    Please…patience, kindness, and love to yourself as often as you can.


  94.  #94Starla on April 30, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    I think I am going to change CF’s (Crack Fix) name to FI. It stands for F*ckin’ [His first Initial]. My best friend already took the liberty of referring to him as such for a couple weeks now, lol.

    I know, I’m full of “hate” today.

  95.  #95light heart on April 30, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Love Always

    About what you said about having expectations in your relationship,
    holding yourself and others to high standards,
    and balancing that with the natural ebb and flow that
    any relationship has,

    I agree with Dominique, that once you have the basics- love, respect, trust and you feel safe with him,

    then it’s best to relax about having to have everything be right all of the time, you or him. Cutting each other and ourselves a lot of slack,
    and enjoying what is in the moment.

    A lot of the time the irrational fear of not being perfect keeps us on high alert, and you also mentioned having some difficulty getting past some old hurts concerning him, yes, I know what you mean. kind of like having post traumatic stress! As much as we can do to keep that in the past and not drag it forward, would be very helpful, too.

    light heart

    light heart

  96.  #96light heart on April 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    I posted that before I saw your follow up post to Dominique and her response to you.

    (((((((((((Love Always))))))))))))))

    light heart

  97.  #97Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    34/1 beautiful daughter/ soon to be divorced..married 2.8 years, tomorrow will actually be my 3rd wedding anniverssary

  98.  #98Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    lk, your new pic looks great. πŸ™‚

  99.  #99Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    My husband sent me a text today saying thanks for everything u saud to me yesterday, ..i know it was from ur heart….i didnt respond to it…i just erased it….i am moving forward and am emotionally removing him from my life….this is what feels good…i went to match.com to start a profile….i felt closed up just looking at the phitos of different men…wow, i didnt expect to feel like that, so what ive done is just look at each phot and profile and say outloud im the aur that u need to breathe….i am preparing myself to cd

  100.  #100Lily on April 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I’ve been lurking here for weeks, feeling inspired and getting to know y’all. I have been wanting to join the conversation and I felt too nervous. So now I’m taking your question as an opportunity to introduce myself.

    I’m 28, never married, no kids of my own. I’ve been seeing my good Mandolin Man for almost four years, on and off, mostly on. Our romance has been peppered with lots of drama and a few crummy situations. Rori’s philosophy has started to turn those around for me. I am starting to feel my goddess energy and use my siren power. I feel excited and filled with joy!

    Starla, I love reading your comments. I feel connected to you. From what I’ve read, it looks like you and I have a lot in common. Blessings on you.

    Thanks for getting me talking.

  101.  #101Starla on April 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    98 coco kisses, i like your style, you’re so brave right now. I can’t bring myself to stay on match.com for every long, but that is a great idea to help me get through it!!

  102.  #102Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    LK and Sassy,

    Wow, you are amazing. Thank you for your beautiful words! They touch my heart, soul, mind and spirit!

    I am in a rush here because I caved and set up a CD for tonight…before I implode! No time to write more.

  103.  #103Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Wow, Coco, sounds like you’ve really moved on!

  104.  #104Starla on April 30, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I feel so pretty today. I went to the bathroom on my lunch today to put on some makeup, but didn’t need to. My skin looks radiant and my hair is natural and my eyes are plain, but I just love me!

  105.  #105Sassy on April 30, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Radlove-You go grrrrllll!!! Have a fabulous time for YOU!

  106.  #106Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    EC told me he thought our relationship was pretty solid after a year.

    I felt so pleased to hear him say that.

    I am so grateful he said it first too!

    That really is a relief! πŸ™‚

  107.  #107Lucy on April 30, 2012 at 3:58 pm


  108.  #108Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    And this is where I get frustrated. The dude was making these huge delays between texts. Finally the plan seemed solid enough to where I went and took a thorough shower.

    Of course when I get all dolled up, I come out of the bathroom to a text that says can we meet tomorrow instead?

    I instinctively wrote back, Ok, no problem. Should I give him a text message that says something to that effect? I don’t want to tell him I’m angry, but I am. I HATE this. I get all excited, I feel sure enough to where I tell you all on the blog that I have a date, and it seems to happen every time.

    So now I either get undressed and sit home frustrated and annoyed and lonely AGAIN…or I take my dressed up self out somewhere. And I don’t have many options, because I am down to about $2.

    So should I send him a feeling message about hanging me up? If so, what would be a good way to say it?

    I am thinking, “I feel weird saying this, but I feel frustrated when I get all showered and dressed up only to find a raincheck. If I had known an hour earlier, I would have been getting ready an hour earlier.

    It all sounds blaming. I actually had one date with this man last June. I should probably let it go since we just newly reconnected after almost a year, huh?

  109.  #109Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Rad, you could gently mention it to him tomorrow when you meet him in person.

    What do you think?

  110.  #110Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    @ Starla and Francesca…i still feel a bit scared because i dont know what the futrure holds for me and my baby girl….but it will be good…ive made the decision to move forward after speaking to my husband on Sunday….he made it crystal clear he is not willing to work on the marriage and his vibe towards me was straight friends he has absolutely no sexual/romantic attraction to me at all. I realized that he isnt coming over because he cares soooooo much about us, but that he isnt ready to fully let go, and by seeing us every few weeks when he gets too lonely ….and is missing us too badly, the second another woman he really cares for comes on the scene he will drop us like a hot potato…im not even angry with him…im just like ok i get it, its time to move forward

  111.  #111Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    92: Dominique
    95: light heart

    Thank you both so, so much. I have been toying with this whole control thing already and likely still wanting to resist the idea and reading your post kind of gently pushed me back in the right direction. Funny, in the past few days I have had this weird congestion in my chest and throat (not a cold or anything) which feels like things I need to let out of my body – maybe the not so needed protections I am carrying around with me to keep safe. I think I need to find a new way to feel safe so that this relationship has a shot.

    I can almost taste the part where I can rest back and enjoy as long as the love, care, respect and trust are there and the one thing that is missing for me is the trust and I will just have to keep holding myself very tenderly around this issue. He is working very hard to build trust again and struggles with feeling wrong and bad every time I have a panic attack and want to talk about it (the past that is), he wants to move on and not talk about it so much. He has apologized and is conducting himself differently and is struggling with my emotional mania (yes, post traumatic stress of sorts for sure).

    In this moment, after describing this here and thinking about what if I could describe to you what he has been doing so you could understand, suddenly I understand even more how much he has been reaching out to me. This is a man who, in the past, would almost squirm in pain to see me cry and want me to stop! Now he reaches to hold me (albeit sometimes briefly) whenever I start to cry. Wow, when I remember these new moments I feel absolutely 100% cherished and cared for.

    This helps to turn the gremliny voice in my head into a whisper for the moment.

    ((((light heart))))

    I am going to go take a fabulous bubble bath.

  112.  #112Jan on April 30, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Starla- I just wanted to say that I can hear your struggle. You are doing such a great job of expressing yourself and getting your feelings out here– in a safe place!
    I also love all the talk about moving energy around. I am learning so much here…. Oh- and I am 40, twice married- divorced for the second time this Sept. Two kids age 5, and 9. It makes me feel safe to see the wide spectrum of women, all learning from this blog.

  113.  #113Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 4:29 pm


    RE: #107 – I think I need to text him tonight. I was thinking it thru, and here’s the deal. This dude has probably a $500,000 house about an hour from where I live, with a pool out back. That’s where I met him last year, because we were going swimming.

    This year, I don’t feel comfortable to invite him here, because altho my house is cozy, it is embarrassing in comparison to his.

    I am all dressed up and going somewhere, anywhere. And it will use the last few drops of gas I have and the last couple of bucks I have. I was real with him and let him know in FMs that I didn’t have enough gas. He was going to give me gas money.

    All that to say after I go out tonight, I won’t have enough gas to get up there until Wednesday. So I am thinking of just letting him know I can’t come til Wed. Still thinking about it.

    After all this stuff with R, I feel paranoid about saying the wrong thing and messing it up with a man. So if you have any ideas for FMs, I still welcome them.

  114.  #114Gemini on April 30, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    @Radlove….oooohh one of my pet peeves, and interesting cuz it seems to be a theme with my current entree! Blah! (so I’m taking notes here)

    I like your message…I say send it and see what happens, since this is a new guy, what have you got to lose? if he’s a loser, then you’re saving yourself some drama down the road. I say DON’T just let it go and act like it’s nothing…set your boundaries up front, otherwise you’ll likely get more of the same. and since you’re all dolled up, go out anyways to some public space, read a book or something, and notice yourself getting noticed πŸ™‚

  115.  #115Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Coco, I understand how you feel but I’m sure everything will fall into places.

    Seeing how you seem more than ready to put yourself out there, I’m positive that your future will shine. πŸ™‚

  116.  #116Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    I guess scared is not the word…..its more like im feeling uncertain, but i know it will be filled with love light and laughter…..be encouraged…i have been through so much in my life….each experience is to move u to the next level of conciousness…every relationship comes to teach u a lesson and to heal u…i realized this a long time ago and have taken each failed relationship as such…i have never given up on finding true love and i never will

  117.  #117Coco Kisses on April 30, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    @ starla….why cant u stay on match.com very long? How has ur experience been?

  118.  #118Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Here’s what I decided to text Yorky:

    Hey Yorky, since I am now all dressed up with nowhere to go, I decided to use my last drops of gas and few bucks to go somewhere. So my gas tank will be too empty to make it there tomorrow. What about Wednesday? (I already told him I get paid Wed).

  119.  #119Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    He wrote straight back, “Where are you going?

    Me: I don’t know, I’m about to leave. Maybe Barnes & Noble.

    Y: Why did you dress up to go to Barnes & Noble?

    Me: I kept holding off taking a shower until we made definite plans. Oh well.

    Y: What did you put on?

    Me: When I got out of the shower and got all dressed up, your message was waiting about a raincheck.

    Me: Black jeans, brown tank top w sparkly sequins around the neck under a sheer shocking pink, brown, and black blouse.

    Y: I didn’t realize you did that.

    Me: NP.

  120.  #120Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Well, Radlove, I believe you deserve to treat yourself if you feel like it! πŸ™‚

    I hope you’ll enjoy yourself!

  121.  #121Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Oh, Rad, he sounds upset now, but not at you, at himself!!!

    This is good! πŸ™‚

  122.  #122Starla on April 30, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    coco, i feel all weird, like… i’m at a meat market, and you can’t trust what any of them say, anyway, and they all just look disgusting to me, lol.

    i prefer craigslist, to be honest, but I think in most cities craigslist is just awful for dating. We’re lucky in my city:)

  123.  #123Starla on April 30, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Alaska is shootin arrows my way, thank you Alaska:)

    He finds me beautiful and finds my funky moods amusing. Good for him:P

  124.  #124Francesca on April 30, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Starla, I used CL when I lived in Montreal and it was just awful.

    I wonder why it’s different in your city…

  125.  #125Dominique on April 30, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Love Actually – Yay you for seeing these things. Can you embrace them? And you know the trust part starts with you. Trusting in yourself.


  126.  #126Starla on April 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    I dunno, but I’ve met lots of nice men off of CL. I still hang out with a bunch of them to this day.

  127.  #127Starla on April 30, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I just caught myself saying “As*hole” out loud all angry. It was directed at HIM. Jerkface dumbhead stupideyes.

  128.  #128Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 5:54 pm


    Ty, I am now CDing myself at McDonald’s. Bookstore was closing at 9.

    He texted I’m serious. Send me a picture of you all dressed up. So I did.

    I feel like crying, by I’m far more upset that Ryan has backed away again after I overfunctioned …again.

  129.  #129light heart on April 30, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    109 Love Always

    Hi! Oh, I love how you described the change in perception you had about what he’s been doing differently that make you feel cherished and cared for! That’s great!
    It sounds like you and he really have a good shot at happily ever after, if you’re both willing to ride out these rough patches. It also sounds by what you described that this is a real opportunity to start shifting things, and taking the pressure off of you and him, by leaning back, trusting in yourself, and practicing just allowing more.

    “I am going to go take a fabulous bubble bath.”

    There you go ! It is SO funny that you said this.
    This man from online dating, who I went out with a couple of times a few years ago, contacted me again. I was pretty sure he was still married then, so I asked him and he said he wasn’t married now.
    This is all by email by the way, no phone contact yet.

    Anyway, he wants another chance now. He texted me tonight to see if I wanted to go to a movie. He started out by saying, What are you doing this evening? So I told him. working out and taking a bubble bath. then he says, well I was going to offer a movie. i said, I would love to do that with you sometime. he texts back, but not tonite, right? I said, yes, not tonite :).

    light heart

  130.  #130Jan on April 30, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    I just did an idiotic thing. I emailed the guy. I told him my feelings. Not one of my finer hours! Now it has been only a few hours but no response.
    I feel scared. Why oh why did I do this when I KNOW it is not the plan I should be working on. Geez.

  131.  #131light heart on April 30, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I mean, I just hate jumping up and showering and getting all ready at the last minute for a man who hasn’t even talked with me on the phone. and he wants to go to a movie, where you don’t interact with each other ? I don’t like how I feel doing that. So, I’m sorry, but I already have a date for myself.

    light heart

  132.  #132Starla on April 30, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    Oh god, the only guys I check out when I’m out now are long-haired nerds who look like they’re into nerdy stuff and metal. I would have avoided this type like the plague before I started dating CF, and now it’s all I want! I feel so stuck on CF(FI)-type now, but AT LEAST I’m starting to feel attracted to other people, woohoo! But I just caught myself staring at this guy out my window lustfully, woohoo! Progress!

  133.  #133Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 6:05 pm


    I hate when I do that! I’m currently almost shaking like a junkie to avoid contacting Ryan. Sigh. I feel discouraged. He makes it so difficult.

    I wish I could just walk away. But I’m in love with him.

  134.  #134Starla on April 30, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    light heart, very nicely done, Siren:)

  135.  #135Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    My mom didn’t raise me to have an adult life as a wife and a mother. She groomed me to be her lifelong best friend and personal companion.

  136.  #136Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 6:11 pm


    I find myself fixated on long haired men since Ryan. I have always been attracted to long hair, but especially now.

  137.  #137Love Actually on April 30, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    123: Dominique

    Yes, yay me! I am trying to embrace them…sometimes it seems to work and sometimes not…the gremlins in my head are VERY insistent at times. πŸ™‚

    LUFC Man actually called me about an hour ago even though we had agreed we wouldn’t be in contact for a few days…I said “I feel surprised you are calling, I thought we agreed not to for a few days” He said “I just couldn’t resist”

    This felt so good it made me all giggly and warm all over (I was able to notice this in the moment and I let that all out while talking with him) and I was able to tell him how good it felt that he couldn’t resist and that my self imposed exile of sorts felt weird – even though also felt some relief for both of us.

    Yes, the trust part I do know begins with me – at least I know it in my head, intellectually. I still seem to somehow want to make him almost wholly responsible for it though. I guess even more than being afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of being wrong about him – WOW! I just realized this…I wonder what I think that means about me if it turns out I am wrong about him, about my ability to discern – *grin* – there is that control thing again, no? I feel really excited about learning this right now, hopefully I can continue and sustain the yummy parts for longer.


  138.  #138Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    I hate life tonight. I feel so weary of disappointment and loneliness.

  139.  #139Starla on April 30, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    RadLove, (And maybe Jan?),
    I just wanted to remind you guys that I am in that boat, too, feeling a crazy love that I keep trying to rationalize in my head will be reciprocated fully and with a real commitment attached (especially if I could just do or say or ask x or y, lol). I feel tempted to contact CF about it all day long, or to act as if he’ll be back. But I just don’t.

    Truth is, both contacting him and not contacting him end up S*CKING big time. Either way, it totally s*cks. But at least when I’m not leaning forward, I’m not making it s*ck any worse. Don’t walk into the mouth of the rejection monster.

    It is a hard impulse to control when I also feel unworthy or not good enough.

    Whew, I feel tired just typing about it!

  140.  #140Sassy on April 30, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Where are Daria, FeminineWoman, Flowerchild77, Jessie1000, HealingWaterfall, Lizka, and any other “regular” contributors? Haven’t heard from them in awhile and miss their input!

  141.  #141Brandylion on April 30, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Those of you who use CraigsList for CDing: do you post in the platonic-only section? What do you put in your ads?

  142.  #142Starla on April 30, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    i put mine in w4m

  143.  #143Turquoise on April 30, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Radlove, whose mothers groom
    Them for that? mine didnt. She raised me to be a good person, but I didn’t get any lessons on being a wife or mom. It would feel really good to hear you letting some of that blame go. You are 48…. Have been an adults get than a child/youth. If you want things to be different, I’d start with the mindset. I hear you telling yourself a constant string of negatives. That feels really sad to me. Who you are now, is up to you… Your choices. I do best when I focus on one area of my life at a time. Starting with what you can do for you only, what is the first thing you want to work on?

  144.  #144Healing Waterfall on April 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm


    I had my son when i was 40. He is 12 now. I felt like i would never get married, i remember my 35th bday. But I just feel this nagging intuition when i read your posts and i feel your mom’s mothering of you, it feels like my mom, who is an amazing mom in lots of ways and i love her dearly, but she neglected me because she neglects herself and i felt so unworthy because i internalized it all as a child, i figured it was something to do with me….so this is a long winded way of saying that these feelings you have of being 27 and NK, how much are they in present time and how much are they from old familiar childhood feelings and so i just am sending you a big hug so that you know you totally would be an awesome mom and wife…
    and this goes for all you sirens, i just am totally staight out with grades right now and i read most of the posts, just wanted to say that you gals are amazing…
    and i like what Turquoise said about having sex Radlove
    i like that…
    good luck light heart with your options….


  145.  #145Starla on April 30, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    ((((((Healing Waterfall))))))))

  146.  #146LiliBee on April 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Oouuufff, trying to catch up here.

    I’ve caught up on the last thread, and read this post.

    Wow! Amazing story. I feel so happy reading it. It is possible!

    I miss you sirens. I’ve been happily busy, but look forward to spending some more time here with you all.
    Coming here helps me keep feeling grounded.

    I am feeling really good in my relationship. The NVs have been getting quieter and quieter.
    I am still feeling peaceful and cheerful.
    I am still feeling like D is really ‘with’ me.

    He gave me his spare key over the weekend.

    He had taken it back exactly 1 year ago when he broke up with me, and this is the 1st time giving it back.
    (I didn’t have it when I walked in that Sunday morning, the front door was unlocked).

    He has such a relaxed vibe around me now.
    He even speaks up. He never did speak up before.
    For example, we were preparing dinner together and I got all ‘controlly’. He said “you’re really complainy right now.”
    I just said “yeah ey, I am, lol. I feel the little control freak in me taking over. Thanks for letting me know, after a glass of whine I should feel more relaxed. I really love when you step in and help me in the kitchen, especially that I don’t even have to ask. The teamwork makes me feel connected and that makes me feel so happy πŸ™‚

    I need to acknowledge and make friends with that little control freak in me.
    She has me feeling anxious to have everything perfect.
    I love that he’s not afraid of her.
    He’s seen her before, and he keeps coming into the kitchen anyway like he knows he belongs there, stirring in the simmering pots and poking in the sizzling pans.
    He wants teamwork and he won’t let her deter his intentions. lol, I love that!
    Now, there’s my strong man πŸ™‚

  147.  #147Starla on April 30, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    LiliBee, that feels peaceful to read about. πŸ™‚

  148.  #148LiliBee on April 30, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    ((Starla)) πŸ™‚ I’ve been reading up on you…You’re doing great feeling your feelings.

    Gotta get to bed. Hope to be back and hang out with you all real soon!
    I’ll always be back, I love and miss you sirens! xox

  149.  #149Starla on April 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    I love myself for carrying myself outwardly with dignity toward CF. I do not have to lose my dignity in front of a man to prove worthy of love.

  150.  #150Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 8:24 pm


    Re: #141 – I feel frustrated. it is not blaming my Mom. I feel judged almost every time I really open up on this blog. I am trying to understand myself.

    I was not blaming her. I was stating it as fact. It is damn hard to be positive about yourself when all you’ve heard is sharp criticism and yelling all your life.

    I”m doing my damn best. Just let me have my process please, or I’ll go back to journaling privately. I get so sick of explaining this obvious stuff.

    It’s like if Starla says my mom cut me in my sleep. She’s not blaming her mom. She’s stating a sad fact.

  151.  #151Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 8:27 pm


    One of my friends is Latina. They groom their children for parenthood from Day 1, calling their children “Mamacita” and “Papi”. Their roles in life are defined and taught.

    Most normal parents talk to their kids about adulthood: sex, budgeting, education, marriage.

    I was my Mom’s toy.

  152.  #152Radlove on April 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm


    My Mom is my best friend in the world. I love her dearly. She has been more loyal to me than anyone in the world. I will just copy and paste that statement with everything I say as I am processing why I am so fu(cked up inside.

    Sorry about my anger. I am also fuc(ked up in that respect. I am just a big fuc(k up.

  153.  #153Starla on April 30, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Thank you, Starla, for getting me dinner.
    Thank you for buying me drinking water
    Thank you for brushing my teeth
    Thank you for washing my clothes
    Thank you for putting them all away
    Thank you for washing my face
    Thank you for taking really nice care of me.

  154.  #154Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    that excerpt Feminine Woman posted (thank you) of Rori’s where ‘its the space between the bars that holds the tiger’… its waht we Don’t say that holds the man.. stayed with me and it felt so much easier to choose what NOT to say with that… teh space Between teh bars (feeling messages as bars)


    i feel so effortlessly attractive

    and the toher women told me i exude a feminine innocence that is so rare these days
    heee πŸ™‚

    i spent the weekend with 5 men and while other women were getting aksed to do stuff and arguing about money I got paid everything for and all the men continuously appreciated me

    wow i felt like whoa

    it felt like ‘peace’ aroudn me


  155.  #155Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    other stuff coming up.. my neighbors wife is stirring up drama w me again and i fell into wanting to downplay and ‘crush’ and beat her

    and i want this to heal and jealousy of women to become a non issue in my life in a wonderful healed way

    thank u

  156.  #156Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    im also feeling way more comfortable with men of ALL ethnicities now yipeee!!

  157.  #157Starla on April 30, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Daria 152 wow, i remember when like years ago you were telling us about something that went down that was the total opposite of this, do you remember? You’ve come amazingly far!

  158.  #158Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    i saw Getright today,

    and gota voicemail from Dman that he had just come back from texas… *shrug* last time i felt a bit disconnected i feel surprised and happy that he thought of me

    i wonder if shrug is my – i feel uncomfortable… i feel sad, i feel mad, i feel embarassed, i feel icky

    mmm (((Daria)))

  159.  #159Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Starla – yes!! the Authentic man seminar! i feel so excited! yes it WAS the opposite of this… omg i was thinking of that today

    this time i not only felt my genuine self BUT also got the diva treatment…

    it was all surrender all the way baby!

  160.  #160Daria on April 30, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    ive been getting man imput and help on one of my other ‘issues’ … ‘assertiveness’… it would feel lovely to have this healed soon too πŸ™‚

  161.  #161siren song on April 30, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Ha. My angry ex is sexting me. Yikes.

  162.  #162Starbright on April 30, 2012 at 9:41 pm


    It also seems like some Tony Robbins would really do you good. I watched the second Oprah Class with Tony Robbins on Living Fearlessly tonight.

    It also covers things from the first class that Iyana did with Oprah about the story you keep telling about yourself that’s keeping you down.

    I think Tony is excellent in getting to the point very quickly with people so that there can be an instantaneous breakthrough. Staying stuck in our stories can mean a lifetime of missed opportunities. I highly recommend it to you.


  163.  #163Starla on April 30, 2012 at 9:45 pm


    All is as it should be and magically blessed.

  164.  #164Vi on April 30, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Hi, dear Sirens,
    I am new to the blog.
    And I feel scared of intimacy with anyone – men, women, and (feels awful) – with myself!!! And that is why I am here.. I want to heal this… I have never been close to anyone and usually run from being truly intimate. Craving it secretly..
    Aww it feels so scary to be here.. I feel like I’m trying cold ocean water with my toes.. I feel shivering… and yet amazed… I’d like to stick around here if you let me… Writing here feels like I am doing so much for me.. like dating myself.. I feel so scared tho and even sweating…
    Love to you sirens,

  165.  #165Tiffany on April 30, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Whoo! New post!! I just posted some stuff on the last thread, because it was open on my computer.

    But hi ladies. Short story long story short, Happy siren tonight. And it’s my birthday tomorrow.

    Happy Birthday to MEEEE! πŸ™‚


    (((hugs))) all you lovely sirens. Thanks for being awesomes!!

  166.  #166Vi on May 1, 2012 at 12:26 am

    Wow… I did it! I wrote here… that was a LAAARGE baby step…. And I feel short of breath and heaviness on the shoulders and butterflies in my belly… love to all my sensations.. love to physical me…
    Love to you sirens.
    Sigh of relief..

  167.  #167Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Where is Lizka?

  168.  #168Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 12:41 am

    I feel really sad reading this post and sooo envious of Alison as I can’t even get one date on POF to step up. I get so despairing of that site really I do.

    I think I had my chance, yay I got married and had kids, but now I am here all alone and divorced, maybe that’s all I was ever meant to had and should just get on with my life and forget about men altogether unless by some miracle somebody shows up organically.

    Do any of you other Sirens feel like this or are you all dating over the place? I know Radlove is finding it a struggle too, I can so relate to her post, it’s like there is some part of me that doesn’t “get” it because according to LOA I should be attracting quality men………and I’m not attracting any except old Uncle Albert’s…………..

  169.  #169Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 12:48 am

    164 SilverMoon
    I hear you!!!

    My “CD”s have all gone starkly quiet….its so weird. LIke where did they all go????

    But I use the term CDs lightly….2 I have never met but only talked on the phone and emailed or TEXTING..(so lame!), one I have only met once & he contacts me few and far between, and one is Recycled who is not even a CD but a saga in himself.

    So I think I’m basically starting from scratch.

    And so far, I’m feeling a lil empty and anxious (is it panic I feel?)

    I know what you mean, I have had relationships too and I wonder if this is the end for me.

    But no…I don’t believe that to be true for either of us SilverMoon…I believe we both have more relationships with men in our future.

    I’ve been wondering why the doors have been closed and prayed about it and the message I feel I’m getting is taht I still need to work on some inner healing.

    My lil girl says “noooo we don’t wanna face all that stuff!!” But I know I have to heal, love, heal, love myself….it is really HARD.

  170.  #170Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Hi Tiffany happy bday πŸ™‚

    Starbright thanks for posting that link with Tony Robins!

    Radlove, I love reading about your texting sequence with your date who cancelled…good job girly!! I am so proud of you for using feeling messages and being honest!!!! ((hugs)) to you and your struggles w/your Mom. I struggle with my relationship with my Mom, too. My family is dysfunctional but I love them anyway….it’s just hard to heal from things sometimes. I’m a work in progress too. (((Radlove)))

  171.  #171Tam on May 1, 2012 at 1:06 am

    @Radlove πŸ™ I don’t like it when you verbally abuse yourself….we all have varying degrees of anger and problems and difficult pasts etc., that doesn’t make us unworthy, it makes us REAL HUMAN BEINGS. Please don’t take it out on yourself!! Be good to yourself!! Try?

    @ Starla: I love that sentence ‘all is as should be and of you observe carfully you find this to be true’ – I have to tell myself all the time.

    I still don’t know if I should even answer my Mr unavailable, since he wrote this long email with all the non-relevant bla bla about work and how he wants to do business together (in response to how I felt)…that he misses me and then the Friends With Benefits remark:

    ‘It is best that we stay friends for sure.. we want different things – FWB would be best for me, not so much for you.. so – we agree ..’

    and yes, for the past 1 1/2 years we have been mainly friends for the mental connection but also attracted to each other. I do not know what, if anything, I should answer….I know Rori says to drop a man who wants to be friends when you want more (well, he wants more too but not what I want). And he is one of my 3 closest friends, so how am I going to drop him? Keeping him as a friend is going to be as difficult as not having him in my life anymore.

    I saw what happened when I met someone else, since he didn’t like it and really started stepping up, got jealous and it (well, I ) sabotaged my other relationship (which broke up).

    Any advice on how to handle this? I feel like answering something but maybe just silently dissapear? Then he thinks it’s all ok and next time I am in his neck of the woods it will just continue same old? He only steps up when he thinks he is losing me, I don’t want that.


  172.  #172Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 1:08 am

    I need to make a new vision board! And I love the idea of the universe box sirens were writing about! I’m gonna make one for myself!!! Yay I love that idea.

    I really need to visualize what I want in a man and a family and a home….because lately what I’ve been visualizing or dreaming about and wishing for is coming to me (its been really really amazing)….all except the man category!!! I think God is trying to tell me that he hears me by answering so many of my other things…and I”m supposed to have faith that my man will follow. Oh I just got excited when I wrote that!

    I need to keep that faith because sometimes I feel discouraged and like it will NEVER happen! But I know it will!!

  173.  #173Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 1:12 am

    ooh sometimes I feel scared to let myself love a man soo much….I am protective of me and it’s ok Emerson you can be but don’t shut down ok….

    Tam I can relate to the friends dilemma…it is sooo hard to stay friends when you like them more than that and maybe even love them. Maybe just keep your distance andput him on back of your horse for a while and keep riding on your bridge!!!

  174.  #174Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Happy Birthday, Tiffany! πŸ™‚

  175.  #175Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 3:14 am

    Emerson, I was scared like that for the first few months because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of so much attention and love, even though it wasn’t really love at that point, just strong attraction.

    And also the fact that we both had been celibate for a long time and really stuck in our own patterns.

    It’s still hard sometimes, it’s only been a year, after all.

    But we’re both learning how the other one functions.

    For example, I know that there are mornings where he won’t feel like talking that much, I can see it in his face.

    I’m an early riser whereas he sleeps a lot and gets up later. Sometimes I’m by myself for two or three hours before he gets up and I don’t resent him for that. I just read my book and relax in the living room with my coffee.

    So I’m not pushing him to interact with me now, I’m just letting him be and most of the times, he will engage in conversation with me, usually after the first cup of coffee.

  176.  #176Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 3:16 am

    All this to say that if it happened to me, it can CERTAINLY happen to you or to anyone else looking for the one.

  177.  #177Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 3:56 am


    I am hoping for your advice. I can’t get over him (not) coming to visit me issue. He called me yesterday in the morning, talked primarily about his little victory with custody process, how his ex accuses him of various things, lately of taking the boy to a strip club (???) He did ask how I am doing but the conversation was 60/40 his stuff/my stuff, then he said he needs to do something and would call me later in the day. He didn’t call.

    There was no conversation about his possible visit and this is what I need an advice for. My close gfriend says that I am still not even a gfriend to him, he didn’t call me that. We know each other 3 months, I shouldn’t make him come to see me. Even if he doesn’t I should accept it lightly and try to make it to month 4 lol. The way I feel is that he knows what I want and he promised to give it to me but he doesn’t. And he knows that I know it. It’s true we don’t know each other for a long time, but the way he handled our relationship until now was a lot of closeness and a true romance. Honestly, I feel that I have all the right to have my request honored. If he does call me, here is my plan.

    I am going to ask again what day this weekend he was planning to travel. If he says he doesn’t know if he can visit I will say: ‘Sure, I understand, you sound busy. But from my perspective in the whole month that I am away we can’t seem to pick a couple of days to meet up. it doesn’t feel right to me, I feel sad. I don’t feel romanced. I really didn’t want to feel this way with you. I feel so sad that I’d rather stop this conversation right now and go for a walk. Enjoy your day.’

    What do you sirens think?

  178.  #178Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 3:59 am

    Tiffany, happy Birthday! Hope you find a few mins for us today πŸ˜‰ I enjoy reading your posts so much, they always help me to clarify my own feelings/thoughts.

  179.  #179Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Silver MB . I am “dating all over the place” sort of, just to keep out there and to practice some skills . I ‘ve been divorced and single for years , a couple of relationships that were long but in the end , no commitment.

    Lately I have been often feeling regretful and sad feelings that I had “wasted” my marriage . (The reality is that he was like Allison’s husband here and I was a neglected wife.) If I had known the skills i do believe I could have turned it around.

    But past is past and I dont dwell on it and I am dating. I have been dating for years. I am very tired of the process of meeting new people via internet , then trying to get to know them. There are always issues. Distance, baggage,ageing, people wanting perfection after imperfect marriages end. Some of these issues have been mine in the last 2 years (serious health problems , multiple surgeries etc), others are definitely theirs. Then we also have all the usual stuff you have at any age when trying to get a relationship together.

    I met a guy on the weekend who is an inch or two shorter than me and years older than profile claimed . This was the second date. I just find it so difficult to get past these dishonesties.

    I have a friend I am attracted to who I dated years ago and he is back around me , emailing and has suggested meetings . We have a great deal in common and I am responding in kind and leaning back hoping he might move forward ! The thing is I am not sure he doesnt just want FWB.

    Another man I have dated a half doz times has stated up front he “isnt ready” after a difficult relationship. So I have never initiated anything with him and leaning way back. I think he is confused by my not chasing him.

    I am very grateful that I have the RR guidelines . I feel confident I am not making any mistakes that lead to instant attachments, heartache and turmoil. But nor am i feeling any closer to joyful union with an honest , intelligent , warm man who shares some of my interests and is a match for me.

    No SMB , its not easy. But I havent given up yet. And hopefully I am just becoming more Sirenesque over time.

  180.  #180Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Memulo, I fear your message sounds too blamey, too many “you’s”.

    Maybe tweak it a little bit and try to speak from your heart with FMs?

  181.  #181Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Memulo, you have so many expectations.

    I feel frustrated reading over and over what he should be doing and what he isnt doing right.

    The thing is , he is just doing what he is doing . It sounds about right for his early separation state.
    It isnt what you WANT him to do , but its absolutely just what he needs to be doing right now.

    Wishing , hoping and expecting him to do something different to that is just wishes, hopes and expectations, none of which is REAL.

    I trust and hope that you can relax back and start CD’ing and stop obsessing over this man, and maybe then someone will just appear with a relationship which IS real , and not imaginary. A man who deserves all the special things you can offer.

  182.  #182Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 4:31 am


    Thank you, it is funny, I thought these ARE FM’s πŸ˜‰

    On the other hand, maybe since I invited him several times and he knows what I want, it’s time to stop, accept the tokens of his attention that he is willing to give and have this conversation with him after I go back?

    I am afraid not to be challenging enough. Like I would accept anything just to keep him?

  183.  #183Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 4:35 am

    I’m sorry, Memulo, but if I were the man receiving that message, I would probably feel like you’re trying to control me. πŸ™

  184.  #184Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 4:36 am

    If he really wanted to see you, he probably would have stepped up by now.

  185.  #185Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 4:41 am

    If he was free to travel Memulo and not caught up in custody issues, then i am sure he would travel to you without you having to repeatedly ask him.

    The asking over and over and reminding him is rowing the boat. it also may feel like he is being “clawed at” . In my experience a man will come to you if he wants to be there and is free to do so.

    You not insisting he come is not a sign of weakness!!It is a sign of intelligence and giving him space.Your girlfriend is right. Also it sounds like you are trying to get this man to do what feels good for you, ie “controlling the outcome” .

    There is such a lot of information about all these things on this site if you wish to try doing it the Rori way. Trying to become his GF is not what Rori suggests unless you are both very young, eg both in college.

    Are you circular dating?

  186.  #186Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 4:42 am


    Thank you. I am sorry you feel frustrated. I can’t really comment on what he is doing regarding his separation stage, but I know what I don’t want in my communication with him. I want to feel attention and to be romanced and by not visiting he makes me feel that I can’t count on that from him. Or can’t count enough.
    Did you go out with someone who was separated for a couple of years and it ended up badly?

  187.  #187lk on May 1, 2012 at 4:47 am

    memulo, i hear your feelings, but i also hear the way they’re expressed in that note as “controlling” and “like an ultimatum” – what do you think?

    telling him he isn’t doing what you want is kind of like telling a blonde you prefer brunette hair… why tell him ? if he isn’t doing what you want, don’t marry him ! lol : )

  188.  #188lk on May 1, 2012 at 4:50 am

    & i don’t mean you shouldn’t Express Your Feelings or Share Your Desires / Visions / Boundaries / Fantasies….. but you have already told him multiple times, so he knows what you want & he is choosing another way. you can trust him! that is the option that i would want to choose with a Good Man i was dating : )

  189.  #189Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Memulo, I am older and divorced many years . i have dated many men who are separated but I no longer do so because these men arent ready to concentrate on a new relationship with me.

    They are consumed by worries about their kids, their ex, the court orders , money , money, money…uuugh.

    In my experience once they are finally divorced well and truly and have good access to their kids arranged then they are more open to being a man for ME. Otherwise, when they are in transition , they want comfort , a shoulder to lean on and sex.

    Maybe your situation is different , but this is how I have found it.

  190.  #190Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 4:52 am


    Thank you, that was really helpful. I feel a bit confused because Rori wants us to express our feelings and so far I’ve been saying it would make me feel so happy to see you (when he said he’d like to visit without me reminding) and I said I’d love to see you (that was me reminding). I guess the most I can do now is if he says he is not coming to say that it feels sad.

    I know Rori says to give a ‘no gfriend’ speech, but what I am looking for is a long-term relationship really with eventually living together. I don’t necessarily want a marriage certificate. I know he can’t give me marriage either at this point.

  191.  #191Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Young , pretty, available women like you Memulo have a great deal of power over men. This power is magnetic, that is, you are a powerful magnet that draws him in.

    But only when your anxiety is put aside and you turn your focus OFF him and onto you and start dating other available men and raising your vibe.

  192.  #192Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Happy Birthday Tiffany

  193.  #193Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:00 am

    CocoKisses I feel a sense of peace in your comments. I vision you just giving up and turning your focus away from your husband. I saw find a way to pour all this energy over yourself.

  194.  #194Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 5:02 am


    Thank you, very helpful;) I feel sad because the truth is that I chose the softest words I could find! I really have a lot to learn. I don’t want to sound blamey and don’t want to stuff my feelings, but I don’t seem to find the right balance ;( It is funny because in real life I am quite soft, but I force myself to turn into this ‘tough’ person when it really really matters, partially because i feel scared to be perceived as ‘weak’ and not challenging enough.

  195.  #195lk on May 1, 2012 at 5:11 am

    me too, memulo ! i so so so sympathize with what you are saying which is why it feels so helpful to me to read what other women write here…. it feels so much easier to “detach” when it is not “about” Men that you Actually Know or even with whom you are Actually In Relationship

  196.  #196Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 5:11 am

    Memulo , as I understand it , “no girlfriend” means that you are not looking to have an uncommitted ongoing relationship of any kind. Most GF’s are regular associates , with or without love being mentioned and with regular sexual favours on the menu.

    Its not about the marriage. Its about a mans (and your) wilingness to forsake all others , combine lifestyles and probably money and future plans and be together ongoingly in a LTR. Is this what you want?

    To get there THE MAN needs to drive this , to decide he wants it , and to ask you.

    If YOU decide you want HIM , then try and make him fit into the plan , it just doesnt work.It feels like he is being coerced into it by repeated requests and statements of what you want. Stating it once only is plenty. Eg . “While I am at my parents it would feel fantastic if you can make it here . I miss you ! “. Then step back and put all this energy into YOUR life and see what happens.

    Personally I believe that if you dont want marriage and children , just the long term commitment, then it is even more essential that you CD and make space and wait for him to step up.

    The feelings of being unimportant to him, of being at mercy of his whim as far as dates and meetings go and the frustration when he wont accept your suggestions feel familiar to me. The solution to this is for YOU to change , not try to get him to . You need to get really busy with other things and not be available on tap . See other men. Go out with girlfriends or alone. Be genuinely so busy that when he calls you wondering where you are you need to book him in for a few days ahead. This will hugely elevate your value.

  197.  #197Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:13 am

    RadLove it seems to me you ended your text to Yorky with a “no problem”. If that is the case I would encourage you to beware when you use these words. Under the circumstances there was a problem or you had a problem with his behavior. It could innocuously communicate that you are okay with him doing this again. Him asking about your plans suggest you stoked his masculine instinct and curiosity. I might have responded “wouldn’t you like to know”. Maybe not the best response but in such moments think mystery to help your intuition and feminine instinct to create allure and seduction. I don’t believe authenticity means I have to be an open book.

  198.  #198Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:16 am

    I should say open book “all the time”.

  199.  #199Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Memulo I see the ladies here repeating the same thing to you over and over again. However the words seem to be lost as you seem to have entrapped yourself like a spider in a web of its patterns. If only you could step back and develop your own witness to look at yourself like an outsider.

    I know this sounds critical but I am deliberately doing it hoping for a jolt of awareness.

  200.  #200Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Thank you lk.. it feels so surprising since I experience you as a total siren here. You seem to always find that right feeling to express and you do it beautifully πŸ˜‰ in a very feminine and sophisticated way.. not a word to add or take away..

    Actually from what he is telling me in his moments of tenderness is that he really appreciates my soft style, he says I don’t know how to be mean (if he only knew! LOL) he says I am full of love and I love people, I care. So he knows that about me, he sees it. Maybe he does like me for who I am?

  201.  #201Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 5:29 am

    And Memulo , with respect i have said all I have energy for now on this subject, having been asked for help.

    The answers are here in the old posts ,and in Modern Siren, when you are ready to open to change.

    Accepting that you are in an imaginary relationship is the first step.
    Then stop overfunctioning.
    Then lean back , focus on yourself and CD .

    Thats about it.
    Not easy , but if I did it any one can πŸ™‚

  202.  #202Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 5:30 am

    I felt so much when reading this post. I felt empathy. I felt sadness about the neglect of her husband. I felt her loneliness. I felt so sad about her affair. I felt so sad that she ultimately left her husband, and found yet another “new guy.” Third time’s a charm?

    I feel sad because marriage is sacred to me. I feel sad because I wonder if there wasn’t a way for her to save her marriage.

    I feel really sad too, because of her loss of her best friend. Maybe this is judging, but it didn’t feel like it was even a big deal to her.

    I feel sad because of one of MY best friends.

    oh, I feel sad.

  203.  #203Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Sirenity, FW,

    Yes, I somehow thought I wouldn’t need to CD, but it feels now like a good idea. I guess I really need to let the expectations go and just live πŸ˜‰

  204.  #204Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Men experience the repeated as nagging. It also pushes their resistance button. I practice saying it once and leaving it. I somewhat believe “three strikes and you’re out”.

  205.  #205Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 5:36 am

    How do you feel FW?

  206.  #206Sirenity on May 1, 2012 at 5:36 am


    yes the loss of a marriage is very sad . My sadness still regularly appears after 10 years now.

    Its easy to be in denial after a marriage ends, denial of the depth of the loss, denial of attachment, denial of everything, just so as to get through it all .

    The emptiness and soul destroying sadness of a marriage with no love, no companionship, no touch , no sex, no talk and no future is truly a desperate experience.

  207.  #207Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 5:40 am

    My so-called friend, who may actually be a an actual friend, I’m still deciding, wrote me a really angry letter about the conversation we had, about how I felt like she was interested in Jack CD, and trying to get closer to him through me.

    Her letter was so angry. I felt really scared and threatened by it.

    I didn’t sleep at all the night she gave it to me. I stayed up until odd hours of the night writing her a reply, and then thinking about everything.

    Even though my Higher Self told me that she was saying so much more than her actual letter said, I took her letter at face value, and apologized to her because in the letter she said she felt like I had wronged her in our conversation.

    We talked the next day about everything. I was honest with her to my own fault, like I always am. I don’t know how not to be honest. Or I do, and I hate that dishonest part of myself, because dishonesty is not authentic ME.

    Now, I feel a shift in the dynamics. Between she and I, between Jack CD and me, and most of all, between her and Jack CD.

    I feel like Jack CD is going to leave me.
    I feel like SHE is going to leave me.
    and I feel like I’m going to have to be okay with it…

    I feel so sad…

  208.  #208Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 5:48 am

    let me correct something. I didn’t feel scared and threatened by her letter as much as I did about the voicemail she left me letting me know she had a letter to give me…

  209.  #209Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Cdating is mostly for you. It lifts your vibe, helps you to experience your power and bring all kinds of lessons that help you in your life. It helps to bring better and better men in. Even possibly helping the man you are with to upgrade himself. It is about you living your life but can have such a profound effect on a man as it lifts your degree of difficult and value as the prize that a man will feel proud to win and respect.

  210.  #210Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 5:55 am

    ((((Sirenity)))) – Thanks for your insight. I hope and pray you continue to heal.

  211.  #211Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:06 am

    praticing a feeling message to Jack CD…

    I feel so confused. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel curious as to what it is you want from me.

    I feel so good with you most of the time. I feel safe with you most of the time. I feel trust that I haven’t felt in a long time.

    You waited patiently for me, much longer than most guys even bother.

    You opened up old wounds and then healed them.
    You did so much for me, and for the longest time, I didn’t even realize it.
    I feel so guilty about that.

    I feel uncertain about this relationship. I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship.

    It would feel good to know what you think about our relationship.

    What do you think?

  212.  #212GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 6:07 am

    @120 Starla

    I feel like that too. & the things some of those men say to me are just so cheesy and ridiculous I don’t even want to respond. I don’t leave the chat thing on because I don’t like feeling like I’m being bombarded. The online dating experience feels awful to me. I’ve tried a few times, but only lasted a few days before I removed myself. It feels icky!

  213.  #213Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:08 am

    ^ I realize the above message might be construed as leaning forward, but Jack CD has been flirting with my so-called friend in front of me to make me jealous. It has put pressure on our so-called friendship, and it has put a rift between Jack CD and me, but I can never talk to him about it in the moment, because it never feels right or like an appropriate time…

  214.  #214Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 6:12 am

    I wouldn’t send that Iamabutterfly. For one it is too long. Second the timing might be off.

  215.  #215Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 6:15 am

    He might see it as coming from an angry jealous woman. It might even boost his ego causing him to flirt more, right in front of your face.

    I would hang on to my dignity and just remove myself gracefully.

  216.  #216Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Thanks, Feminine Woman. Do you have any recommendations on what I should do? I know I should probably lean back, but we have this group of friends that spend time together, and they are both in this group of friends. I feel scared of what I’m going to feel when we all spend time together.

    It’s just a sticky situation…

  217.  #217LiliBee on May 1, 2012 at 6:17 am



    That’s what it has done for me.
    I still cdate. Allthough not as much as D is booking up most of my time in advance, but I still do when I have the opportunity at the market, at work.

    My bf is in a comitted relationship, and she wants me to take her out cd’ing on a Friday night.
    So I will when D is off on a hockey tournament out of town for a weekend with his dad in a couple of weeks.

    He asked me what I would be up to during that weekend he’s away.
    I told him I would be going out dancing with my friends on Friday night and something with a meetup group on Saturday.
    He didn’t like it.
    He said “why don’t you wait for me for that Saturday activity, I want to go too.”
    I responded “I would love doing that with you, but I don’t feel good sitting on a shelf waiting for a man. I feel bored sitting around, I want to have fun. I feel glad to see you happy spending bonding time with your dad like the good old days, and I would feel good and refreshed having my bonding time with my friends.”

    He said that the meetup group and going out makes it easy for me to meet new men and spend time with them.
    My response to that “I want to do fun activities too to ‘shake off the cobwebs’ and feel alive. When I feel safe with a man, connected with him, and I feel him comitted to me fully, that’s when I don’t feel the need to leave my door open to other men even when I’m doing my own thing w/o my main man. I want us both to be happy, I don’t want our relationship to feel suffocating.”

    I saw his shoulders drop, and his voice immediately softened up. His vibe instantly became relaxed. πŸ™‚

    I don’t want to prevent cheating by being controlling and keeping each other on a short leash. That would feel like being trapped in a cage with no room for expansion.

  218.  #218Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 6:17 am

    “A man’s rejection is God’s protection”

  219.  #219Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:17 am

    @211 Feminine woman – what do you mean by remove myself gracefully? how would I do that? I just feel curious…

  220.  #220CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Yes Memulo, it seems to me that you really must let things just “be” with this man. You’ve stated your desires, your boundaries…repeatedly. It’s now up to him to decide in what capacity he will participate. I can’t stress enough (as Sirenity did so eloquently) that men in his situation are really NOT commitment-ready. As stated, they are able and ready for a very different type of “relationship” than someone who is on the other side of divorce and settled in to their new lives and identities. I don’t think this can be emphasized enough and I find myself nodding along with your posts, not surprised at all by his actions/behavior even though your expectations continue to build…

    If you’re able to lean back, CD and really let go of the outcome, it’s possible that this may eventually become a viable situation for you. There is no telling. But with your “expectations” continually being unmet right now, it’s a constant struggle.

  221.  #221Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:20 am

    The other night he was talking about how much he missed having a girlfriend. I would’ve talked to him more about it, but it wasn’t a place where we could’ve had a private conversation.

    I feel like the no-girlfriend speech may about to be happening, and I feel terrified of it.

    Now, with this so-called friend thing in the mix, I’m not sure what is going to happen.

    I’m not going to try to control the outcome.

    I am going to lean back and feel my feelings…

  222.  #222Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Last night it was eating me alive that R is withdrawing again. The other thing that was eating me alive was when my Mom asked me on the phone:

    “So have you thought about what you’re going to do with your life? Are you going to get a job? Go to a home? Or what?”

    I felt angry, and I did my best to suspend judgment while I asked, “What do you mean ‘go to a home’?”

    She said, “Are you going to check yourself into a home where they take care of you?”

    I said, “NO, I’m not going to check myself into a home! I’m avidly jobhunting, and I am praying about writing a book, starting a business, and volunteering for a ministry in India by doing document work.”

    She has periodically done this to me all my life, half trying to convince me that I am crazy and telling me I can’t function in life. It’s like putting a curse on me, and I have to resist it with all my might.

    she is not trying to hurt me. She is operating out of her own poor self esteem. She accepts these lies about herself and projects them on me.

    Turquoise, I am sorry I lashed out at you. Will you forgive me?

  223.  #223Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Love Always – #135 – Yes, yes, YES!!! What a fabulous light bulb moment. I feel SO happy for you.

    Yes those pesky gremlins can be loud sometimes, but you now have tools and most importantly awareness with which to handle them. Love and embrace them too, kiss them on the cheeks, and then send them on their way.


  224.  #224Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Tiffany…


  225.  #225Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 6:25 am

    But when this is my Mom and the main person in my life, all my life hearing this stuff, it has been very difficcult to sift through it all and know what is real. Many times I have been led to question my identity and abilities. It is not healthy or helpful at all.

    the fact is I am an intelligent, sensitive, loving woman with endless capability. So once again I recommit to becoming my best self and working thru all this emotional garbage.

  226.  #226Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:25 am

    here’s another tidbit. We were all at a get-together all three of us. Well, so-called friend hadn’t shown up yet. I was extremely sleepy, removed myself from everyone else was to go lay down on the couch.

    I had brought a dessert. I overheard Jack CD ask someone who had brought the dessert. Someone told him that I had brought the dessert.

    Later, all three of us were there, along with some others, and Jack CD starting talking about the dessert in a semi-flirty way with my so-called friend. I was standing right next to her.

    He was talking about it, and then he said “Yeah, I have no idea who brought it…”

    I didn’t say anything.

    I felt really taken aback and weird about it.
    Did he forget that I made it?
    Or was he trying to get my attention?

    If he was being dishonest to get my attention, that feels icky to me…

  227.  #227CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 6:25 am

    I have a question about cd-ing. At what point do we stop actually going out on dates with other men? I understand the concept of *always* cd-ing by flirting, “dating” ourselves etc. But at what point in a real relationship (together all the time, talking about marriage and the future, not seeing others, major closeness and happiness together) do you not consider dating? fyi- there has been no spoken, formal exclusivity agreement even though it’s happening on both sides. I feel confused about this.

  228.  #228Tam on May 1, 2012 at 6:27 am

    @ Emerson..thank you re# 167 πŸ™‚
    It’s true about putting him on horse and so on…but still unsure as to whether I should reply because overall the email from him was long, honest and rather nice (he is not normally communicative) and not answering feels ‘passive aggressive’, i e saying: ‘you can’t give me what I want and now I am sitting in a corner pouting, not answering’.
    And that feels wrong somehow too as I appreciate his honesty…pffff.
    Reading through all the other posts makes me feel like we are all in exactly the same boat while I see so many of my girlfriends breeze through their lives and relationships – seemingly.
    Kind of frustrating.

  229.  #229Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:27 am

    I feel exposed and embarassed.

  230.  #230Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:28 am

    I hate feeling immature and inexperienced. It makes me feel unattractive and not good enough.

  231.  #231Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 6:30 am


  232.  #232Starla on May 1, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Okay, every day is getting a little bit better, but only a little bit

  233.  #233GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 6:40 am

    @Healing Waterfall

    I feel good hearing about women having babies at an older age. It gives me hope that it might still happen for me πŸ™‚

  234.  #234LiliBee on May 1, 2012 at 6:45 am


    I’ve been in that exact situation Lama.

    When I told my man how ‘I authentically felt’ without any blaming, he reacted really well and started taking distance from the friend.
    However, she started laying it on even thicker with the flirting.
    That made me angry and I confronted her.
    I was blamey with her.
    She reacted very badly, playing the victim and quit speaking to me at all. She wouldn’t even say hello when running into me.
    Putting the finger on someone else’s booboo will not get a good reaction most of the time, especially when they don’t accept that human flaw about themselves.
    That confrontation seriously alienated my man.

    The most beneficial way for myself of dealing with the whole situation was to sink into my feelings and find what it was about the whole thing that triggered me so much.

    What triggered me was MY OWN stuff of feeling not good enough, uncomfortable and unworthy of men’s attention.
    I spent a whole year working on myself on this coz that same pattern kept repeating in all my relationships.

    Everything has now fallen into place.
    As I worked on healing my issues, my man did on his own issues by following mine (I stayed out of his stuff).
    The ‘friend’ worked on healing her own relationship issues and that has flourished for her.
    She even said that she would talk to me again.

    The best way to deal with this type of situation is focusing on ourselves and our own feelings, and sharing that with those involved.
    Everything falls into place once we’ve healed. Healing is done by feeling our feelings deeply, not judging them and loving them.

    Btw Lama, you really seem to be getting the hang of FMs.

    You’re doing great!

  235.  #235Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Iamabutterfly do it in your mind, energy and body with visualizations. This is a situation where you need the rockstar vibe. Take the laser focus off him and put it on yourself. That energy can pull both of them in.

  236.  #236GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Happy Birthday, Tiffany!!

  237.  #237CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Happy Birthday Tiffany!!! πŸ™‚ Enjoy your day…

  238.  #238Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Thanks so much, Lilibee!!! I feel so comforted reading your words, that your man responded well, and that your friendship remained in tact. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  239.  #239Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:04 am

    and thank YOU so much Feminine Woman. that’s definitely something I need to put into practice…

  240.  #240Brandylion on May 1, 2012 at 7:04 am

    LiliBee, re: #213

    I feel so inspired reading your FMs! I copied them into a document where I’m saving gems about CDing from you sirens! πŸ™‚

  241.  #241Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:06 am

    I allowed myself to feel jealous one night with Jack CD and so-called friend. It felt scary to feel it, because it felt really intense…

    So-called friend was heavily flirting with Jack CD, and he was responding.

    So I just allowed myself to feel my intense jealousy, and Jack CD almost instantly backed off from her.

    Jack CD and my relationship felt much stronger after that…

    But now I feel like we’re back at square one…

  242.  #242Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:10 am


    193 – “think mystery to help your intuition and feminine instinct to create allure and seduction. I don’t believe authenticity means I have to be an open book.”

    Thank you! that is helpful.

  243.  #243Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:12 am


    167 – “@Radlove I don’t like it when you verbally abuse yourself….we all have varying degrees of anger and problems and difficult pasts etc., that doesn’t make us unworthy, it makes us REAL HUMAN BEINGS. Please don’t take it out on yourself!! Be good to yourself!! Try?”

    Thank you! Yes, I will.

  244.  #244Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:13 am


    166 – thank you!


    Happy Birthday!!

  245.  #245Starla on May 1, 2012 at 7:14 am

    I seriously don’t get what I did to deserve getting dumped in an email and then never spoken to again. I don’t think much of anyone deserves that, especially after 9 month. I feel the urge to call him and ask him, seriously, what did i do to deserve that? or are you just that afraid to man up?

    i want to move on.
    this is so unfair of him. all he has to do is communicate like an adult and help a girl get some closure.


  246.  #246Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:18 am


    164 – I feel a lot of discouragement too. But in my strong moments, I remind myself that all it will take is ONE man. And so just because he is not visible to us right now, he is there, and he is coming.

    I recently had two friends in my personal life find love unexpectedly. One was in depression because of being single. On Christmas Eve, she had a romantic date on an ice skating rink alone with a friend. Now she is marrying him in July!

    The other friend was sad about her breakup, and she was crying a lot when I talked with her thru December. She went home to another state for the holidays, and she came back all smiles, in love! Now she is engaged, too.

    All it takes is one man, the right man for each of us. Let’s keep the faith.

  247.  #247Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:19 am

    I don’t feel like Jack CD would flirt with so-called friend in front of me unless he was feeling insecure…

  248.  #248Brandylion on May 1, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Sirens, I feel a little better every day. It’s been that way for a couple of weeks now, where I’ll spend days at a time feeling pretty good about things (but still thinking about PriestCD every moment my mind isn’t 100% occupied elsewhere, which is most of the time because very little of what I do is cognitively demanding…), but then I have major meltdowns like most of the start of last week and Sunday night.

    I don’t feel interested in talking to or meeting the guys who are contacting me on OkC. I’m not really sure why I put my profile back up; I think I thought I had to. I clearly am not emotionally ready to spend time with any man. I know CDing men I don’t care about is the best way to practice using Rori’s tools and authentically being me, but they are going to pick up on my totally-disinterested-in-them vibe and then poof. If I’ve learned anything from Rori, it’s that I can’t just feign interest in them because that’s not how I really feel!

  249.  #249Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:20 am


    160 – Thank you for the reminder! I keep meaning to listen to more of that! I will! Tony Robbins is deep! I also have a CD program of him and I need to crack it out and turn off the TV…unless it’s Oprah’s OWN network! πŸ™‚

  250.  #250Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Starla – I feel such empathy for you. It looks like you are moving into the anger stage of greiving. It feels so healing seeing you heal! So much love to you!!!! (((((((((((((((((Starla))))))))))))))))

  251.  #251Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 7:23 am

    You know if I didn’t have a sense of humour some days I could just cry………….

    “Hello my name is P, 57yrs old divorced and live in London and i am disabled
    and in a wheelchair but not forever i have to learn to walk again with two new false
    legs can i ask would this bother you?………………..P”

  252.  #252Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 7:23 am

    p.s. On his profile he says he doesn’t want to have sex because “it spoils things.”

  253.  #253Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:26 am

    @247& @ 248 Silver Moonbeam – Wow. If it weren’t for that extra tidbit you added in 248, I might’ve given the guy a chance. At least he’s honest! πŸ™‚

  254.  #254Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:29 am


    137 – Thank you! You are a stronger woman than me!

    I caved last night in my extreme frustration and bingeing, and i texted R. I did damage control in context, because I knew it wasn’t serving the relationship to be texting him:

    B: I can’t stand this.

    B: I don’t deserve your coldness. I didn’t do anything wrong. I often feel like I’m walking in the dark. I couldn’t read your mind.

    B: I feel


    B: Let’s make a deal: you don’t want me in your life, and Alice (a fictitious name for a woman we know at church) doesn’t want to be single. She is your age and lives on your street. She’s sexy and petite. How bout you date her for 6 months while I leave you alone. What do you think?

    B: What do you say? Want her address, phone number, and photo?

    B: It wood be healthy for your to have friendships with different women. I could give you a list of 5 or 10.

    B: I’m being sincere here, it’s a necessary part of your emotional development.

    B: You won’t know what you got until you know what you don’t got.

  255.  #255Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:31 am

    and to be fair, Silver Moonbeam, maybe it spoils things because his experiences with sex given his condition haven’t been pleasant, and he has felt judged and unmanly. Just throwing that out there…

  256.  #256CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 7:40 am

    OMG SMB… #247 & 248.

    LOL. I’m sorry but that just struck me as funny, although I suppose it’s really sad.

    Sigh…the POF scene can be SO depressing. Be thankful for your sense of humour!! πŸ™‚

  257.  #257Brandylion on May 1, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Starla, I LOL when I see you call CF jerkface. Remember that PriestCD is a teacher; when I visited his classroom just before the start of the school year, a student had written on his board “Mr. Jerkface”. Maybe they knew something I didn’t…

  258.  #258Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I feel so nervous. I’m supposed to go to an event on Thursday that both Jack CD and friend are going to be at. I know I’m probably going to feel shaky just knowing that both of them are going to be there, and also just in seeing and interacting with both of them individually and maybe even together, who knows.

    I don’t feel like she is going to feel shaky at all. I feel like she is going to feel happy and excited and flirtatious. I was honest with her and told her that I could tell that Jack CD was attracted to her.

    I know that Jack CD is probably feeling insecure about how I feel about him.

    If they see each other, I can just SEE her, feeling excited and thrilled with him, and him feeling validated and appreciated by her.

    and I’ll be somewhere…

    feeling angry and sad and betrayed by both of them…

  259.  #259Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 7:51 am


    Let’s choose to laugh. Not cry. And let’s choose to focus on the relationship ready men out there, ok?

    I was flirted with by a man in a wheelchair with CP off and on for several years. He is actually the one who first invited R to the community center where I met him in 2007! So he was a friend and I will always be grateful to him.

    He was a greeter at WalMart so I saw him periodically and always sat down to visit with him at his job, since he worked 11 pm to 7 am, and he had that kind of freedom to talk on the job.

    I was just being a friend, but I guess my action of sitting down each time led him to believe over and over that I was romantically interested in me. He would ask me from time to time if I would like to date him. He told me he was not able to function sexually.

    I felt sad for him, but that did not obligate me to marry him. I am happy to say for him that down the line, he reconnected with an old friend from another state, who was now a single mom with two kids. They married!! And when I saw that, it gave me tremendous hope! His dream to be a husband and a dad came true, and now I know it can happen for anyone.

  260.  #260GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 7:52 am

    @173 Memulo

    I feel connected to your statement about not being his gf. I had this issue with BoatGuy. He treated me like his gf in private, but not in public. I wanted more, he wasn’t providing. However, I held onto those private moments and kept waiting. He acted semi-bf in front of our mutual friends and he invited me to one of his friends parties, but introduced me as his friend and it was a party for people he rarely sees. He only told one person he was dating me (that I know of) and we never hung out with his friends. After our fight in December, I was never to his house. Our fight in March was because I felt like I was a “secret”. He just never stepped up, even after 8 months.

    My advice would be not to say anything more about him visiting. Go along with your days and don’t even think about it. Do your own thing and if he makes plans, then cool. If not, you weren’t expecting it and you won’t be as disappointed. As Rori says, “be surprised”. I wish I had not spent so much time, worry and effort and pushing for something he wasn’t going to give to me.

    How does that feel?

  261.  #261Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 7:53 am

    #250 BRENDA!!!

    STOP!!!!! Enough!!!

    I don’t want to be harsh and it is something that I am coming to believe is oh so true.

    The reason R is not with you is because he doesn’t want to be, how do I know if this is true?

    Because he isn’t……………if he did want to be with you he would be right there sitting on your sofa or lying in your bed.

    And he isn’t.

    Of course according to RR if you could just stop rowing the boat and lean back he COULD be with you………but I don’t believe this is true for every single man on the planet, men just do what they want to do anyway……….isn’t that also what we learn on here?


  262.  #262Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Radlove, oh no…:(

    I’m sorry, sweetie but I’m afraid I don’t see any damage control in those texts.

    It feels like you’re pushing him into dating people *you* think would be good for him.

    I don’t like how I feel inside when I read that.

  263.  #263Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I feel like I could “fix” this from happening if I lean forward. But that would be trying to control the outcome.

    I feel like it’s going to ruin my night on Thursday, and I don’t want it to ruin my night on Thursday…

  264.  #264Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 7:59 am

    I know “I feel like” isn’t a true feeling message, but I still like saying it…

  265.  #265Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Radlove, you remind me so much of myself a few back.

    I fell in love with a man who was just a FWB.

    It was clear from the start that that was ALL it was.

    Just s*x, that’s all.

    But he made me feel so good, so beautiful and fulfilled that I fell for him.

    He even said he loved me a couple of times but I knew it wasn’t true because he wouldn’t even tell me his last name.

    I kept calling him and emailing him all the time.

    We saw each other one last time before I left for British Columbia in 2010.

    I put him out of my mind but subconsciously, I was still pining for him because when I got back to Quebec, months later, I texted and called him.

    He never replied.

    That’s when the light bulb came on and I finally figured out we were not meant to be together.

    We never were.

    We were just together for s*x.

    I just wish you would come to the same conclusion I have.

  266.  #266siren song on May 1, 2012 at 8:21 am

    so, i’m going to try some hypnosis to deal with this longing i have for guy who is angry at me. he keeps popping up, then poofing again and saying he can’t handle me dating other men and that being with someone who is open to other men is too stressful for him.

    i live down the street from him and i see him all the time. i really just want to be able to release some of these feelings of urgency and attraction. i’ve done all the tools i can think of, but every time i see him or hear from him i feel like i’m going to throw up. i feel so sad that i’ll never be with him again.

    it’s not going away.

    i feel super-low-status around him. and like i want to control him. and nothing seems to be working.

  267.  #267Love Actually on May 1, 2012 at 8:21 am

    219: Dominique

    Thanks – feels so good that you understand and share my happiness around my learning!

    I will try to love up those gremlins! And really focus on the yummy stuff (both what I create for myself and what he has to offer) and also what he is trying to tell me as I am really starting to get how much he is communicating to me.

    Eg. (forgive my continued long emails, but it continues to help me to put it in writing) Last week, when his daughter was ill, and he was waiting to hear back (and thus didn’t come to my place as planned) – I had called after about an hour to find out if he had heard anything and he later told me he didn’t like it when I called, that he had said he would call me and that he wouldn’t leave me hanging – ahhh, yay him! He was very clearly telling me that I could trust him in this case and my call felt like lack of trust to him. And he was absolutely right, the gremlins were running wild that he had made the whole thing up so he didn’t have to come over.

    I have actually given him so little respect in terms of his emotional capacity and while we may be different emotionally, he is absolutely proving me wrong (and we all know how control freak gremlins hate being wrong!) πŸ™‚ *Poor gremlins, they will really need extra love!

    Last night he actually called and texted me so many times that I started to feel bored and irritated because I was so tired.

    Here’s to hoping we can keep finding the yummy, juicy mutual ground and see what we can authentically create together.

    I feel so happy and grateful and full, and even (for this moment) open to the fact that this may hurt again…

    Much love for all of the inspiration and guidance offered here!

  268.  #268Francesca on May 1, 2012 at 8:26 am

    (((siren song)))

  269.  #269Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 8:28 am

    222 Iamabutterfly it might have been a sublominal invite to the conversation based on a pattern of behavior you demonstrated in the past? Explainey? But it seemed your siren did not take the bait. Feeling of ickyness might have been your body telling you your thoughts were juddgemental or too focussed on him rather than enjoying the pleasures of unsought validation.

    Yes, we get to make the stories up so we might as well make up good ones. He wants me, he wants me. He’s attracted.

  270.  #270Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 8:29 am

    #250 Radlove

    What happened to the FM’s?

    What happened to the warm, soft, sandy coral beach vibe with the warm turquoise waters lapping on your shore?

  271.  #271siren song on May 1, 2012 at 8:31 am

    i just want to get over it, already. i feel so frustrated with myself. i love my frustration. and my longing.

    i feel so tired. i feel sad that i chased him away by dating other guys. i don’t want anyone else.

    i know he wanted to just have me all to himself and not commit, but i still just want to sleep in the same bed again.

    i feel so lonely. i miss how things were when we were together and he wasn’t so angry at me.

  272.  #272Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 8:35 am

    RE 223 CurvySiren your feelings is what i suggest you allow to guide you. Somewhere along the line his actions will help you to feel safe. Keep checking in with your intuition even when you get there.

  273.  #273Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 8:36 am


    257 – I knew I shouldn’t text him. I am seriously struggling. I had a really ruff night last night.

  274.  #274Starla on May 1, 2012 at 8:37 am

    ((((((((((siren song)))))))))))

  275.  #275GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 8:50 am


  276.  #276siren song on May 1, 2012 at 8:55 am

    just had a long cry. i feel better.

    thanks starla and francesca

  277.  #277CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Thanks fw. It’s really a tough balance…I am very happy with no desire to cd, but I worry a lot about the attraction factor going down by not doing it.

  278.  #278Jilly on May 1, 2012 at 9:03 am

    CurvySiren…I agree with Femininewoman…in my experience….the most important thing is that we feel good about it and we feel safe, which keeps our vibe up…and we know to stick to our boundaries and how to express ourselves…

    there are no absolutes but when you know you won’t ever abandon yourself or try and row the boat….relationships are EASY!!! lol

    I also know that even as much as I love Rugby Man (we are exclusive)…if it doesn’t work out that there will be someone else and I KNOW how to CD and stay on my bridge…

  279.  #279Rori Raye on May 1, 2012 at 9:07 am

    vi – Welcome! Love, Rori

  280.  #280Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 9:07 am

    @265 Feminine Woman – Thanks for your input. I feel confused though. Why would he give me a subliminal invite because I had been “explain-y” in the past.

    wait, I think I see what you’re saying. I am the type of person that wants to “explain” especially if I did something cool like make a dessert…

    Hmm…insightfulness on Jack CDs part.

  281.  #281Rori Raye on May 1, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Lily M – I deleted your last name for your privacy – but don’t know if it was your last name or a great chosen one! Let me know in your next comment…Love, Rori

  282.  #282Starla on May 1, 2012 at 9:13 am

    I picked an unavailable man.
    I did.
    I wonder how this would all shift if I just took full responsibility for this.

  283.  #283CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Thanks Jilly. This is all new for me and I am finding myself unsure of where to draw the lines. I am pretty darn sure he is my “the one” as Dominique would say. But I do feel confused about when I let go of the idea of actually dating others. My intuition tells me not to, that’s for sure. NO desire. Or time! I am so busy and he books up all of my spare time. I DO feel safe and it DOES feel “easy” right now. So this input has been helpful..thank you!

  284.  #284Rori Raye on May 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

    arrow – this is a common male response from some men – this is what you say: It just doesn’t feel romantic to split the cost of dates when we’re “dating” – and I don’t care what we do–It just feels good to know you and feel if we’re on the same page and a good match for the long term. I feel happy just walking and eating from grocery stores and taco stands and making food together.” Love, Rori

  285.  #285Jan on May 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Hi guys. I just read an old post from Rori from Feb 2011 about how to deal with imaginary relationships. I really feel clean and new after reading it. I deleted the man’s number from my phone and if I didn’t know it by heart already I would take his email out of my box. ;p Instead of obsessing about feeling like a failure for emailing him last night and neurotic about the non-reply I am going to try to take this as a sign that I am needing a new path and focus. Starting a fresh day, with a fresh start. It can’t hurt right?

  286.  #286Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Thanks for the hug, Giving Girl! (((Giving Girl)))

  287.  #287Starla on May 1, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Alaska is texting me and seeing if I’m feeling any better today. Said no. He said to hang on to him and he’ll help me through it. Wow.

  288.  #288Jilly on May 1, 2012 at 9:25 am


    I believe we keep our vibe (and the attraction) up by keeping the focus on ourselves and our lives and feeling happy, sexy, beautiful, healthy and not putting responsibility on him for our happiness…

    and you have your own thing going which is awesome!

  289.  #289GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 9:26 am

    I still feel confused when it’s ok not to respond to something. I’m typically the person who has the last word, just because I don’t want the other person to feel as if they said something wrong and I’m ignoring them. This applies to both men and women, but more so men.

    Any helpful hints?

  290.  #290light heart on May 1, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Thanks for the vote of confidence yesterday, Starla…

    he texted ‘ok’ but didn’t bother to try to plan something in advance with me.

    Now I already have a date for thursday night with another man from online dating, who has been a real trooper for weeks, in trying to get us to meet, and calls me and is curious about me.

    I’ve gotten so good at letting this stuff slide off me like water off a duck’s back, because I’m focused on the leaning back and staying open, without making assumptions or closing any doors prematurely.

    Just going with the flow, because I know exactly how I am looking to feel, and I trust myself. So there’s nothing to lose.

    I learned so much from the last unavailable relationship.

    light heart

  291.  #291Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 9:28 am

    siren song I say feel the low status and try laughing at yourself. your body is powerful and that is why you feel so attracted to him. Let him be angry it means he is attracted and feeling his emotional body too. Don’t fight with him just get all soft and emotional. Just keep showing up for yourself and voting for yourself by staying on your bridge to what you want in your life. Don’t allow him to pull you down or transform you into someone you don’t recognize.

  292.  #292Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 9:30 am

    289 It depends on the context. A question can be answered.

  293.  #293light heart on May 1, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Hello Vi !

    I feel glad that you jumped in, even though you felt the fear !

    You’re gonna love it !

    It’s a great group of ladies and very supportive
    and sincere.

    Welcome !

    light heart

  294.  #294Mel on May 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

    @Starla (287)

    Awww…. he wants to be your hero! πŸ™‚

  295.  #295light heart on May 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

    291 FW

    love it

    light heart

  296.  #296Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Iamabutterfly – #257 – What’s with all the stories you’re making up? No more making up bad feeling stories, none of which will likely come to be.

    If you’re going to make it up, make it up good.


  297.  #297Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Numbers are off, it’s now #258


  298.  #298Starla on May 1, 2012 at 9:44 am

    294 Mel, so did CF:(

  299.  #299Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 9:44 am


    Thank you for your post and advice. yes, I feel a lot calmer and I am really busy with my own stuff. Emailed a few guys from a dating site at my new location. I will take it one day at a time and i intend to feel happy.

    For your question re: texts – if there is no question in a text I normally don’t reply. If I am not supposed to provide an information (i.e. confirm a date, just not double-confirm) I let them have the last word. The other night the guy said: ‘Was thinking of you’ and I replied ‘What part of me?’ though in similar situation in the past I didn’t always reply to this. He said: ‘Most’ and then 2 hours later ‘All of you’ and I didn’t reply. He called the next morning himself. I learned to stop assuming what the other person may think because it’s really hard to know and I just answer what I am being asked.

  300.  #300lk on May 1, 2012 at 9:45 am

    ooh starla, he sounds sweet : ))

  301.  #301Silver Moonbeam on May 1, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Radlove, I have spent ages especially finding this for you from October 2011 (HTH does FW find old relevant posts sooo quickly??))

    I came up with this image today on a group coaching call – Are you like flypaper?

    Where you attract all these men, they buzz on in to you – and then you trap them?

    You hold onto them?

    You care whether they stay or go?

    If this feels like you – just caring too much what happens with any one man – just pave over your flypaper.

    Pave it over with rose petals, and fairy dust, and gold dust, and soft sand from exotic beaches.

    Make it soft. Make it so a man’s footprints can be felt, and yet he can fly away and the breeze will blow more gold and fairy dust and soft sand to leave a fresh place for another man – or 100 men! – to leave more footprints. And…perhaps stay awhile. Or forever.

    Leave it up to him. Stay or go.

    Put plants around your mental and emotional self. Plants that will give you shade to your thoughts and feelings and nurture and feed you – and invite a man in to sit in the shade and share your bounty.

    Don’t ask him to β€œstick.”

    Don’t be afraid of him going.

    Change your flypaper to lovely, sweet, feeling-filled YOU – and change your life.

    Love, Rori


  302.  #302lk on May 1, 2012 at 9:47 am

    starla, i’m picturing the men like trees in a forest…. bowing down around you….. to give you Protection from the Storm : )))

  303.  #303GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 9:47 am


    In regards to Thursday, I would go and be friendly to both, but do not have expectations for anything. Don’t focus on whether or not they are flirting and if they are, then you can focus on other people at the party. I know it’s hard and you will have them in the corner of your eye all night, but there’s no reason for you to subject yourself to that treatment. Have your own fun! It sounds like JackCD knows it bothers you and so does so-called friend. This may be more about setting boundaries in regards to your feelings, by your actions, instead of your words.

    What do you think?

  304.  #304light heart on May 1, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    I often feel like giving up too, and tell myself, when you least expect it, it’ll happen.

    But nothing happens if you don’t put yourself out there, someway, somehow.

    I’m going to meetups/classes having to do with things I enjoy, I don’t go with the express intention that I’m going to meet a guy, but just to have fun and relate with new people. I recently met a brand new good friend that way. I feel so much better doing that than just sitting home.

    As for on-line dating, it definitely is like the wild, wild west out there, so you have to stay very aware and make extra effort to stay positive even after a lot of dead-ends, or bad-tasting experiences.

    I stopped writing back to whoever writes to me, but
    I’m going to try to start back up, just because it’s good practice.

    One thing I do is periodically change stuff up on my profile (staying truthful) in order to see how that affects things.

    Hang in there ! If I can do this, you can do this !

    light heart

  305.  #305Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Starla, full responsibility feels so heavy.. and a bit booooring… I imagine you as light and sparkly.. and I know you never left your bridge

  306.  #306lk on May 1, 2012 at 9:53 am

    yeah, starla. i agree with memulo : ) you are a hard-core fairy who sprinkles Metal dust : )) you did great & you are doing great !

    for one thing, if you had This (This = the idea that possibly that weirdo cutie boy from high school might really be your Soul Mate) in the back of your mind, how would you find perfect satisfaction in a Forever Partner without first exploring This ?

    i just think you are wonderful !

  307.  #307GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Thank you, FW & Memulo

    Questions, I don’t have an issue with. I just mean more conversation emails/texts. I realize someone has to stop replying or it would just go on forever. I just get stuck as to when to stop. If I don’t reply and they were looking for a reply, would they let me know?

  308.  #308Mel on May 1, 2012 at 9:59 am


    Maybe CF wanted to be your hero, but realized he’s just not in a place right now to be the person he wants to be for you. It’s all about him. HIS stuff.

    love ya,

  309.  #309Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I had bad dreams last night and lamabutterfly they were similar to your story about your friend and your guy flirting! It’s weird I woke up and read your story on the blog and felt like whaaat??? Was a reading the blog in my dream!?
    Anyway, I had a bad dream about Recycled flirting with a friend of mine and totally ignoring me (or me feeling ignored) which actually did happen about a year ago and it kind of soured my friendship with that woman….we have not been the same since and really are not friends. The two of them were all chatty and he was complimenting her and it made me mad.

    Well I woke up feeling like crap and I re-live this incident over and over…how come I have not resolved it and I’m still thinking about it?

    Is it because I feel that she could easily “take” him from me? I don’t even “have” him but you know what I mean….

    I feel so insecure…I never spoke to him and told him how I felt about it….I acted “cool” and like “no biggie” like I’m so secure…but I was not…

    I want to heal this very badly.

  310.  #310Starla on May 1, 2012 at 10:01 am

    lk 306, i like what you say here about not having it in the back of my mind now…except now i DO have it in there more than ever. Because I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I keep thinking he’ll be back when he can come back strong. I’m feeling like a loser, lol.

  311.  #311Starla on May 1, 2012 at 10:02 am

    308 Mel
    Well f*ck him in his eye and all his dumb stuff

    Love ya, Mel. I always feel better when you respond to me:)

  312.  #312Emerson on May 1, 2012 at 10:05 am

    175 thank you Francesca!

  313.  #313light heart on May 1, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Healing Waterfall

    you said ‘good luck with your options’

    Thank you

    I’m not sure I can do it, though. sleeping with someone attractive who I see just as a friend, to ‘get some’. I really don’t go crazy without, even though I have a healthy libido, but, I do feel like something is missing and a little cheated.

    On the other hand, I wouldn’t want it to not be ‘right’. That might make me feel worse in the long run. But we’ll see, I’m going to stay open to it. In the meantime, I might go get me a rabbit. I think there was a discussion here once about mechanical vs non-mechanical stim πŸ˜‰

    light heart

  314.  #314Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 10:09 am

    @296 Dominique – Thank you so much. I shouldn’t be doing that, you are right.

    Here’s a new story:

    We are all there. We all feel good. We all have a good time together, apart, and anywhere else we happen to be…

  315.  #315Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Full responsibility is the way to go. Then you will focus your energy on yourself rather than pressuring someone else to fulfil or complete you. Full responsibility helps me get over some guilt.

  316.  #316Mel on May 1, 2012 at 10:13 am

    @ Starla (311)

    “Well f*ck him in his eye and all his dumb stuff”

    Now that’s the spirit! πŸ˜‰

    Seriously though… Your guy, the guy who will soon sweep you off your feet, will not be plagued with such dumb demons.

    He will know that you are so especially amazing that he couldn’t possibly let you get away. And he will be up for the challenge to make you his. Because he will be ready for relationship. He won’t just wish he were ready. He will be ready.

  317.  #317Calypso on May 1, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I’m back from my beach trip with GM. You would all be so proud of me! I leaned so far back this weekend I actually found myself a CD right there at our condo! He was young and Italian and had the prettiest green eyes and he was ALL ABOUT ME! It was funny to me, but I just sank in and let it happen (To a point). We met at the pool when GM was off somewhere else and I let him get me on the elevator… We made out all the way to the 15th floor, where I told him I had to go . . . he gave me his number and told me to meet him at the bar that night. I didn’t meet up with him, but then he found me at the beach the next day and he was so cute . . . he lives very far from me and we will never meet again, but he was an awesome boost to my ego and GM knows all about it . . .

    As for GM and I – we slept in the same bed 3 nights in a row, but absolutely no action there. he stayed on his side of the bed and I acted like he was not even there. His best friend was with us and he flirted with me the whole time, which I enjoyed as well. GM would just go all quiet and his friend would smile and wink at me – he is rooting for us to get back together – he told me to just act like i don’t care – I said, “I DON’T care!” and he laughed at me . . . sure.

    We all 3 had such a great time. We laughed so much together it was amazing. We got back to GM’s house Sunday evening and I put my things in my car, hugged him real quick and left for my house. I have not contacted him and don’t plan on it. We have plans to attend a friends wedding together in June – I can wait that long if he can.

    I felt pretty and sexy and powerful on the trip – I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling and honestly, that is not my concern right now. I’m tan and relaxed and happy. He better hurry up and decide what he wants out of this life before he loses me forever, which would be a shame for him…

  318.  #318Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @303 Giving Girl – That sounds like a great idea. I feel happy and sane and calmed down reading it. Thank you!!! πŸ™‚

    @309 Emerson – aw, bless your heart! Clearly, I probably have an idea of how you feel. I’m not sure why you haven’t resolved it, but I always feel icky about ending female friendships over a guy. I also almost kind of feel resentment towards the guy for “causing” (even though he didn’t) issues with me and my friend in the first place.

    How do you feel about Recycled? How do you feel about your friend? Do you miss her? Feel guilty at all? Or do you still feel resentful about what happened?

    Answering these questions might help you figure out why you haven’t resolved it.

    Just remember, it’s all part of the healing process.

    Good luck! and remember, you have NO reason to feel insecure. You are amazing! <3 <3 <3

  319.  #319Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

    @317 Calypso – You go girl! I feel so proud of you reading that! πŸ™‚

  320.  #320Starla on May 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

    fw 315, i’m inclined to agree – i actually did attempt to take responsibility/own my boundaries while we dated, but i didn’t stick to them. I would voice concern i was getting involved with someone who was unavailable, and he would AGREE in certain ways, but then I would come running back like I didn’t mean it.

    Well, now I have my boundary in place of no contact. Of not stalking and begging. And I’m sticking to it.

  321.  #321lk on May 1, 2012 at 10:27 am

    healing waterfall : )

  322.  #322Daria on May 1, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Happy Birthday Tiffany!!

  323.  #323Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 10:33 am

    yes, Happy Birthday, Tiffany!

  324.  #324Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Starla you go girl.

  325.  #325Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Iamabutterfly – YES!!! I like this story MUCH better.


  326.  #326CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Starla, I think that’s all part of the whole grieving process. You know, those stages? It’s not a linear process, you sorta jump all over the place with these feelings, but I think part of “bargaining” and “denial” is thinking they’ll come back. And he may..or he may not. But you are SO not a loser!!! You are a strong, amazing, beautiful Siren who is going through a very normal grief process right now. And handling it amazingly well. And personally I LOVE hearing your anger. I think it’s really healthy to be pi$$ed at the way he went about this after 9 months…it was pretty cowardly and very hurtful. You have earned that anger IMO.

  327.  #327GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 10:59 am

    @318 lamabutterfly

    I feel happy my suggestion felt good to you!

  328.  #328Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 11:01 am


    RE: #270 – “What happened to the FM’s?

    What happened to the warm, soft, sandy coral beach vibe with the warm turquoise waters lapping on your shore?”

    Oh yes, thank you for the reminder! I had this false moment where I thot I was regressing, but a precious angel on here reminded me privately that I wasn’t regressing, and that my NEW world of warm, soft, sandy beaches and turquoise waters lapping on my shore really IS my reality!

  329.  #329Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 11:02 am

    RE 302 such a beautiful image

  330.  #330GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 11:04 am

    @320 Starla

    That’s what I did too, except BoatGuy never agreed with me. He never expressed how he felt. I would set my boundaries and then feel guilty about it and back peddle cause I didn’t want to lose him. Need to work on that self-esteem and self-respect!

  331.  #331Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 11:04 am


    301 – Aww, thank you! It felt healing to read this again!

  332.  #332Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 11:06 am


    RE: #265 – Thank you. Sorry you went thru that pain.

  333.  #333Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Radlove – “She said, β€œAre you going to check yourself into a home where they take care of you?”

    this feels so sad to me to read πŸ™ πŸ™ aww i feel sad for mom as that is HER situation and it goes into her way of seeing the world…

    also this is my trigger with my own mom, feeling sad thinking of her making it dramatic and hopelessly sad in my mind

    whtas worked for me in this dynamic ( for me the triggering words are like “how long are you gonna do ‘nothing?'”)

    is feeling messages.. im still babysteps and it feels fantastic and thrillin to be able to do them JUST ONCE!

    β€œAre you going to check yourself into a home where they take care of you?”

    “pause… awww… that feelss… sad”

    it really rocks the boat and after that its not the same in that scenario anymore

  334.  #334siren song on May 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Starla, i’ve got to get on board with your no contact boundary. i was SO good at leaning back for so long, then he popped up, talked about marriage and therapy and i wanted to throw him in a cage.

    he also goes crazy when i lean back. it makes him super-angry. i felt afraid to lean back because he was MAD when i was out of range.

    NO CONTACT. i feel SO much worse when i contact him.

  335.  #335Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:15 am

    CurvySiren – you don’t stop until there is a formal discussion initiated by the man. Such as a proposal with a ring.

    If he asks for exclusivity and doesn not propose, it is not advised to accept. If you do accept, give yourself a time limit such as 3 months trial period after which he should be proposing to you

    the more i think about this the more i feel so happy for it. to me is essential boundaries/scaffolding for the success of a relationship

    i wouldn’t want a man that didn’t want to do this with me!!! why would i ? when i can have a man who Would, who wants to do everything to please me. thats the kinda man i would like to pick a lifepartner from.

  336.  #336Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 11:16 am


  337.  #337Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Silver Moonbeam – i would likely date that man in the wheelchair if he asked me…

    it seems you wouldn’t?!

    i notice myself feeling judgmental towards you about what seems to me frequent complaining about men

    i wonder what that is about

  338.  #338Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:24 am

    i feel scared to have said “i notice i feel myself getting judgemental”

    i would like to heal this

    i feel very excited to practice expressing this

  339.  #339Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:25 am

    thanks lama πŸ™‚

  340.  #340CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Thank you Daria, FW and Jilly for your input on my cd question. All of your responses were very helpful!! πŸ™‚

  341.  #341Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:30 am


    that feels bad…

    i <3 pof and online dating…

    it can feel overwhelming… i feel judgemetnal hearing complaints about it (i wonder what that is about?)

    i dont answer stuff when i feel overhwlemed… it feels so fantastic to have these men writing to me

    sometimes i feel scared i'll "miss out" by nto answering them all

    practice trusting that they'll be after me, pursuing me, earning my attention



  342.  #342siren song on May 1, 2012 at 11:30 am


    ‘i wouldn’t want a man that didn’t want to do this with me!!! why would i ? when i can have a man who Would, who wants to do everything to please me. thats the kinda man i would like to pick a lifepartner from.’

    YES! i am writing this down.

  343.  #343Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:32 am

    im feeling all frowny faced and like my heart feels tight and small


  344.  #344Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:33 am

    is this my closedup feeling?

    i feel angry

  345.  #345siren song on May 1, 2012 at 11:34 am

    my boy’s going to go get my girl a smoothie.

  346.  #346Daria on May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am

    i feel so uncomfortable to even express this

    i notice i felt judgmental reading about Starla’s guy not having ‘adult’ communication to give closure

    i personally honor my own boundaries by not engaging and communicating when i dont want to

    i felt scared and i felt all self doubtful reading Starla’s comment (and am now realizing this is good and i need to stand behind myself and embrace my choices and ways of caring for myself)

    i want to honor them as healthy

    i feel scared im not behaving in a healthy way by not contacting my godsister

    I want to honor myself

    i feel all puddly and desperate!

    i feel sad Starla seems to be beating that guy and herself up this way… it seems his communication – doesn’t want to talk – is quite healthy, and yet she’s bashing him about it, talking about ‘closure’ which is non existent anyway…and maybe stalling at this judgement place and not getting at the feelings beneath it?

    that feels heartbreaking and sad

    i dont want that

    i dont want to believe that

    it feels better to believe thta this is just a babystep along the healthy healing way

    that feels better

    still feeling all my sadness aroudn that belief

    i feel scared to have written this


    im healing big stuff

  347.  #347Calypso on May 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Thanks Lamabutterfly!

    I kept reminding myself the whole time – I’m in this for the long-haul – not just for the weekend. It took all the pressure off. Nothing needed to happen. I just wanted to swing the pendulam and i did. I’m fully leaned back in feminine mode now. I enjoyed the sight of his masculine body, the scent of him and the sound of his voice and his laughter – I let it wash all over me. I have never felt like more of a woman.

    My period started on the trip – a week early and GM had to take me to get supplies. He was so nice and caring and asked if I was hurting.

    I helped his friend out with some pointers on how to pick up women and GM kept saying, “What about me . . . I need pointers too”, and I’d tell him “You hush” and we would all laugh.

  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

    “What’s Your Dating Nightmare Story”



  349.  #349May Fly on May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Hello Rori,

    I feel shy posting here amongst the fabulous ladies. But it does feel good to take the plunge.

    I have something niggling at me about the man I’m in relationship with. We work in a team of performers, and one day our director asked us each in turn what we wanted from each of the other performers.
    There are two pretty girls in our team, and to each of them my man said “flirt with me”.
    To me he said “plan with me”.
    Whilst I feel glad that he wants us to build a life together, I feel embarassed and uneasy about what he said to the other ladies.
    There is not much flirting or fun between him and I these days. So why is he asking other women for it?

    I want to be number one in my man’s life. I think I will purchase Targeting Mr. Right very soon. (I have Modern Siren and I love it)
    Thank you Rori, for all your work and your wise advice on this blog. It helps so much.

  350.  #350Daria on May 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    (((Jan))) yay i feel excited reading that!

  351.  #351Daria on May 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    i feel so afraid of people feelign angry at me

    i think they will yell and corner me with that energy i feel scared of… and my mind will shut down and go blank and i’ll feel that ‘traumatized’ efeling and i DONT want to feel that way even tho ive always been ok anyways… hmm


  352.  #352Daria on May 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    hmmm uhoh “you hush” sounds not very feminine to me

    i feel scared!

    it feels so FUN! to be the in charge bossy girl

    (((bossy girl)))

    i want the beautiful fun aspects of her

    i can keep that!

    ADN i can fm it and really just let it be untirggering peace the whole time

    i feel shaky


    Daria <— I love this woman

  353.  #353Starla on May 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I feel like my girl friends are all ganging up on me today:(. I went to lunch with my girl and she was pretty rude to me about my feeling upset.

    This is my cycle of grief, everyone f*ck off if you don’t like it. It’s not like I’m in his face telling him how I feel. They’re just feelings. I’m trying to let them out.

    Thank you to the ladies here who understand this <3. It feels good to have a place to let my anger out.

  354.  #354Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I feel scared to hoot and holler at this event on Thursday. That’s what i what i would naturally do, but I feel scared to do it, because what if he doesn’t like it?

    It’s not very ladylike. But wouldn’t it feel better to be with someone who loves me as I naturally am?

    maybe I should just “feel out” and see how I feel about actually hooting and hollering during the event.

    I feel really silly, but I also feel humorous and young, using words like “hoot” and “holler.”

  355.  #355Daria on May 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    im communicating with a girl on this site i feel all shaky and nervous

    i feel all jumpy to impress and make someone want to be aroudn me


    it feels SO uncomfortable

    i Do want wonderful female friendships and im willing and looking forward to growign this way

  356.  #356Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Daria, I absolutely love how honest and brave you are! It feels so refreshing to me!

  357.  #357Starla on May 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I feel deflated and unsupported, but also guilty and spoiled because I have received mucho support whenever I needed it.

    I just want to be allowed to be sad or angry, for any reason. I’m not an unreasonable person:(

  358.  #358Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Quick question for any Sirens who have the time or wisdom or curiousity to answer: Is “I feel thankful” a true feeling message? Is gratitude an emotion? Or would it be more effective to say “I feel gratitude?”

  359.  #359Starla on May 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I say, “I feel appreciative”

  360.  #360Jan on May 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    So after my fresh new start today..Of COURSE I get a response to my email last night. The email was saying that I should not have been physical with him on our trip…it was causing me to really lose control of my emotions. His response: “No worries.
    Sorry I’m not very social right now. I just work and sleep. ” (He is depressed I think) Sooooooo…. do I respond or not? I am conflicted.

  361.  #361Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    @356 Starla – I fully support you! I know you are not an unreasonable person. You are just healing, and healing is a complicated process!

    It is MORE than okay for you to be feeling sad and/or angry. I’m not sure what triggered you to write this comment, but I feel good and sure that any “suggestions” anyone has given you are just there to try to help you.

    Sometimes, when we are feeling pain, we can take good advice the wrong way.

    I love you and you’re going to be okay!


  362.  #362Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    RE 346 – Daria I appreciate this. Though I have to admit I recently saw someone who was talking marriage last year but wanted me to constantly lean forward. I just stopped dead in the water so everything stopped. Every time I see him now he suggests something that seems to be encouraging me to lean forward. The last comment was about us only living ten minutes apart. I took it that was suggesting that it was easy for me to get to him and also that I was judging him but I chose to turn that energy into the waterwheel and don’t let the comment hang in the air.

  363.  #363Daria on May 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    im noticing im taking starlas post abt her gf’s personally and getting all intense upset feeling about it

    and i tapped on some margaret lynch stuff about noticing myself going ‘into battle’ and

    how im pulled into doing that in my head

    and i watn to heal that and use that energy for Creating my life!


    i feel excited im taking babysteps in that

    i feel shut out and cold toward those ppl i was going to ‘battle against’ in my mind

    what does that feel like?

    it feels like shaky energy

    it feels like scared afraid sad

    hopeless sad



    so fmaili\ar

    feels so exciting

    thank you for healing this for me

  364.  #364Calypso on May 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Lama – I like “I feel thankful” better than grateful . . . just my personal preference for how they sound.

  365.  #365Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Thanks, Starla and Calypso! Hugs to both of you!

    I feel so warm and soft and feminine and healing. It feels amazing!

    I feel forgivness…it’s flowing into me and flowing out from me. Feels so good…

    I feel tingly and excited from my head to my toes!

  366.  #366Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    By the way, Sirens, if any more of you have input on the whole “I feel thankful” thing, I would really appreciate it! and feel thankful! and feel gratitude!

    I feel happy and silly.

    Hehe. πŸ™‚

  367.  #367Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    i feel so so so low
    like i’m not good enough to be angry
    not good enough to have standards and judgments
    only everyone else can, and about me, too!
    what a world of hypocrites
    i feel upset:'(
    but this is only true if i believe it to be true. and not see it for the silly trigger fest that it is. i just don’t want to be used for processing triggers. i wish people would keep it to themselves if they have their own problems with how i’m feeling. it doesn’t affect THEM anyway. some people’s egos are so huge and need constant stroking.

    my ego needs a lot of support too, though.

    i feel confused and sad.

    can’t i just feel sad and angry. i feel like i’m not allowed now.

  368.  #368Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    FeminineWoman – hmm i feel a bit confused about that and glad you are growing with that

    i wonder what would happen to say something like “mm i feel really good to see u thinking of me, and you know, i feel kidna distant from u now… the turht is, i feel good in a relationship where im being purused by a man…and i can feel good and relaxed and safe and taken care of … that would feel lovely with u… what do you think?”

  369.  #369Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:06 pm


    and Feminine Woman, I really like Daria’s take on your situation. I feel curious as to how you feel about it too…

  370.  #370Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Starla – i feel so tightened up!

    i feel really guilty!

    i really want you to feel happy and also sad and angry when you want to

    and i also honor myself and i commit to expressing myself even if something feels bad to me, even if that trigger comes from your words while you’re feeling upset

    I intend to honor you that way with my truth as well

    I would love to be honored and appreciated for that – it feels so scary – and the truth is i expect to be attacked and treated badly and abused for that instead

    and i want to heal this

    im feeling powerful right now . im also feeling half numb

    half shaky

  371.  #371Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    is forgiveness an emotion? I feel good that it is. But it feels like a very high emotion. I know it is difficult to acheive and maintain…

    Now I feel prideful, and I feel guilty for feeling prideful.

    It feels good to forgive! Even if other people have difficulty with it!

    I DO have difficulty with it!

    and I am still capable of extending it…to others and myself!

    I love you, butterfly!
    Don’t feel ashamed of how far you’ve come!
    I feel so proud of you!

  372.  #372Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    thanks lama! that feels great to read about me!

  373.  #373Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    I frequently feel amazed by you, Daria! You are amazing!

  374.  #374Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    If i were still dating cf, i would be texting him right now, fishing for love and support, because i’m feeling low.

    i felt tempted to text alaska, who has given me the green light.

    but it would feel really good to learn to navigate these yucky hard times alone. so i didn’t text alaska. i’m just gonna sit here with my stupid discomfort. hmph.


  375.  #375Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    ohh that feels so sad

    i feel unworthy

    i feel angry!

    i feel confused

    i want to be a good girl… she said for me to be quiet. dont espress myself now, be a good girl, let her take precedence, shes more important now… can’t you see she’s going thru soemthing… she’s more important… care about her, don’t put yoruself first!!!

    wow you are so selfish and evil and badly raised and deserve a slap

    i want to heal this

  376.  #376Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I just had a vision that with full commitment to myself, in a year from now, i will be doing so much better. i will know how to take care of myself and show myself love no matter what anyone else is doing. I feel really excited for this.

  377.  #377Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    i notice i attract a lot of friends or have over time that want me = or maybe i want to – i dono

    i wind up playing the ‘secondary’ role. the bigger person role… or eht ‘friend’ role

    and they’re upset when i keep ti real about how im feeling when they’re feeling something intense

    its almost like an unspoken agreement that the other person will defer and go masculine and keep their feelings unshared in these situations

    and it feels REALLY tense to imagine NOT donig that, and when it IS done it has resulted in loud scary feeling drama

    and i dont want that

    and on the other side of that is waht i want

    im willing to heal, im looking foward to heal

    this is my pattern and im shifting it

    liekly it has not hing to do iwht a ‘type’ of person if there is such thing, just an energy im running and others tap into it with thier own energy stuff

    and im healoing it now

    and aeveryone heals thru me

  378.  #378lk on May 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    hi, daria : ))

    i honor you & i trust myself

    i trust you & i honor myself

    : )))

  379.  #379Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    ((((Starla)))) – Bless your heart. Alaska sounds like an amazing guy…when you feel ready for him, that is. I feel proud of you for leaning back, even though you feel so yucky. I just love reading about your healing. It’s so messy and honest, and feels healing for me too. So, if it’s any consolation, the discomfort you feel and express feels very healing to me.

    I know that may not feel very comforting to hear, and if it makes you feel triggered, you can go ahead and take it out on me.

    I’m routing for you, girl!


  380.  #380Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    @375 Daria – oh my goodness, Daria, I have felt that same way!!! I feel connected to you and I feel excited about the connection!

    and I just love you, lk. You are simply amazing!

  381.  #381Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    im in a habit of initiating /checking on

    the men closest to me that i feel comfy with in cding

    right now neighbor CD

    we made plans sortof initiated by me

    and now i feel like calling to chekc and ‘hurry him’

    i dont wnat to do that and omgosh it feels uncomfy!

    right now!


  382.  #382Femininewoman on May 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Thanks Daria. Something like that I would use if the setting was private or one on one. As other friends were there I believe it was not the time to express something so personal.

  383.  #383Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    i feel guilty for spamming the blog again. and I feel guilty for feeling so good. Why do I always feel so guilty? I want to heal this…

  384.  #384Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I remember feeling guilty at a time in my life when I felt soooo happy, happier than I had ever felt. I could tell it made my mom feel jealous, which made me feel sad for her.

    Butterfly, don’t feel guilty for other people’s bad feelings. Use your good feelings to encourage them!

    I love you, Butterfly!

  385.  #385Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    i have come soooo far, and i know i can get there.

  386.  #386Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Lama, you are so sweet. you are such a giver, i can tell.

  387.  #387Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Starla – i feel so uncomfortable girl. I really love you. I trust that you are able to feel and honor your feelings – *I* honor your feelings – and receive and hear and appreciate my truth and feelings as well. I want to feel safe and close with you, and I really appreciate your truth and support too.

    I want to support you as much as I can, and NOT sharing my feelings or not engaging in my healing process at any time is NOT something I want to do (and it felt terribly sad to hear it wished for, and I can handle it, I appreciate your honesty in your wishing – I ‘get’ in a way that the wish is to feel good, and that if my own processing and sharing felt good to read – oh how i want this! – then it would feel lovely and not something to be wished against)…

    I believe and intend that sharing my truth is always supportive and healing for both of us.

    Im really feeling frustrated and guilty that oftentimes it comes out in ways that trigger defenses and not feel goodness instead of instant soothingness and healing… i feel desperate sad howling inside abotu this in my life and i want to heal this.

    That will feel great.

  388.  #388Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    CF shows up on my friends square on my fb wall… i wonder why that is… i stopped clicking his name really, and he doesn’t comment on my wall. I wonder if the algorithm is taking into account how much HE views my page? Hmmm I wonder. Though this wondering probably does me no good.

    I wonder how Memulo is doing!

  389.  #389Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    FeminieWoman – LOL @ imagining expressing that in front of a group of people! mouths hanging open captivated lol

  390.  #390Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    wow, I feel like I just had an epiphany. I’ve let myself feel guilty ALL THE TIME, when I’ve noticed other women getting jealous of me. Then, I feel like I have to be “less than I am” to appease them, or even to HAVE female friends.

    I’m not going to be less than I am!

    If someone doesn’t love me for being everything I am, then that is THEIR problem and NOT mine.

  391.  #391Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    FeminineWoman – i would not have felt comfortable either.. perhaps if he ever contacts you by text email or phone it can be a good time…

  392.  #392Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Lama – wow yes that does feel exciting! i feel excited about your epiphany as well… ive been healing around that and reading it from you feels empowering

  393.  #393Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    hi lk – thank you!!! πŸ™‚

  394.  #394Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    @384 Starla – That felt so good to read that I literally shed tears. Thank you so much! I feel validated and appreciated! I feel like that isn’t a very frequent feeling that I have, so thank you for sharing it with me!

  395.  #395Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    @390 Daria – awww, I feel so good feeling a connection with you!! yaaay. πŸ™‚

  396.  #396Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    mm i felt guilty AT MY!! Graduation!!! cuz my parents felt jealous that my godsis and her mom were there and i wanted to include them in my celebration

    my parents LEFT!

    i thought they would take us all to dinner

    then they complained for years that i treated them so horribly at my graduation

    at one point i did lose it a couple years ago and yelled at my mom that it was MY graduation and i felt ABANDONED by my parents and it did not feel good for ME

    i still feel angry about it now

  397.  #397GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    @386 Starla

    I’ve noticed Mr. Observant was showing up on mine (never saw him there before) when we were messaging the past couple of days. I wonder too.

  398.  #398Iamabutterfly on May 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    @394 – aw, Daria, that feels so sad to read. I can’t even imagine how that must feel. (((((Daria)))))

  399.  #399Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I feel so hopeful thinking CF is looking at my profile all the time. But I think I need to let.hope.die. lol

  400.  #400GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    I feel self conscious. My face is breaking out very badly, my hair is having a lot of breakage and not looking good, I cannot gain weight and feel too skinny. I want to fix all these things, so I feel back to normal.

  401.  #401Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Thanks lama – i actually feel all numb and powerful about it


    ‘im okay’ ‘im good dawg’ tough guy voice

    wow this feels exciting to notice

  402.  #402Daria on May 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    (((GivingGirl))) eating lots of fish and avocado – helps me with getting the oils for all that you mentioned

  403.  #403Starla on May 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    My parent (mom) left my graduation before dinner, too! grrr. i worked so hard to graduate! And then I felt guiltyguiltyguilty about it for ages that she left early.

  404.  #404Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Iamabutterfly – “what if he doesn’t like it?” who cares what he does or doesn’t like. If he’s any kind if guy for you, he will love you all the more for being real and fun and maybe even quirky.

    K loves me more for being “weird”, silly, however I am in any given moment.

    The more you give a good man authenticity, the more he will likely be hooked forever when he falls in love with you.


  405.  #405Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Iamabutterfly – #357 – For me I prefer I feel thankful. The other feels awkward in my mouth, contrived.

    I feel grateful, for me, feels like another person had to be involved, maybe someone to whom I would feel beholden.

    I feel thankful stems from my insides, my heart.

    And yes it is an emotion.


  406.  #406GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    (((Daria))) thank you!

  407.  #407GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm


    Which friends appear in the chat sidebar? Can I add specific friends?

    The friends that show up at the top of your sidebar are people you’ve interacted with frequently or recently on Facebook. You can’t add friends to this part, though it updates dynamically as the people you interact with change.

    More Online Friends shows you the rest of your friends who are online. To find someone quickly, you can search for them by entering their name in the Search field at the bottom of your sidebar.

    The main sidebar list shows both friends who are available to chat and friends who aren’t. Clicking on a friend’s name opens a chat window. If your friend isn’t available to chat, you can still send messages for them to read later.

  408.  #408Starla on May 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    ooooh i really wanna lean forward to any man who will show me attention while i’m feeling low! wow! i used to think it was because i needed to know a particular man cares for me when i felt low, as a litmus test.. and then i’d lean forward to other guys besides him as distraction. But it turns out it’s not about any one guy. It’s about male attention and comfort and validation. Wow! And I can get through this on my own right now while i’m superdupersinglestatus, without leaning forward, and with all this practice, I can find a good balance for my next relationship:)

    OMG my relationships would feel so much easier if my bad days or low moments didn’t equate to me somehow believing i’m not wanted or good enough.

    I can heal this! I can heal this on my own!

  409.  #409Starla on May 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    giving girl, i am talking about the friends box on the actual wall itself. It shows me 8 friends on the page, and then I click through to get to the others. This is where CF shows up – in the 8 friends.

  410.  #410Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    GivingGirl – I agree with Daria and would also add olive oil and coconut oil. I too do not gain weight and gave up on that long ago, but my skin and hair are healthy, so something is maybe missing from your diet, or you are not absorbing nutrients properly.


  411.  #411GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm


    Are you referring to the left side of your profile page? I have 10 friends listed and these are constantly changing for me.

    Which friends appear in the left column of my profile?

    We highlight your friend list.
    By default, a changing selection of all your Facebook friends always appears under the Friends heading in the left column of your profile. This selection might include friends who you interact with the most in Wall posts, comments and mutually attended events. However, Facebook does not select friends to show based on whose profiles you choose to view or who you interact with over messages and chat.

  412.  #412Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm


    Re: #333 – Thank you. It really does feel sad. and you give me a fresh way of looking at it.

    My most typical reaction is anger, because it’s a huge insult, and it is also like proclaiming to someone, “Fail! Fail! Fail!”

    K has been a big part of me staying level headed. I would tell him stuff like that, and, in the past, I would honestly ask, “Am I crazy?” He would laugh softly and affectionately saying, “No, you’re not crazy. There’s nothing wrong with you at all.”

    But hearing stuff like this literally ALL my life has really made me struggle with a feeling of being brainwashed, constantly second guessing myself, and eroding my self esteem to just about nill.

    I have come head to head with my childhood since my Mom spent a week here and I see my life clearly more than ever. So I am running back into the arms of my friends on Rori’s blog. Thank you all for your support.

    I am the soft, warm, sandy beach, and I will not dwell in lies about being a failure.

  413.  #413Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    i gain weight when i walk and eat a lot of pasta and hormone full roots like yams and maca…

    ive been dreaming up this diet for awhile… lots of starchy things like a big yam a day with lots of maca for me to take along with it… for a couple of months

    that would feel so fun!

    also oils and butter for there

    i like Ghee and Sesame oil for gaining weight in a feel good way for myself

    im also digging Primrose Oil and Fish Oil/Krill oil (will experiment) / Cod Liver Oil for hormones hair and nails

  414.  #414Lizka on May 1, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    I’m here, I’m here! Sassy and Emerson, you are so cute to worry about where I’ve been again!

    Responding to messages to me from the last article:

    Brandylion (442) –

    “There is a start and a finish, and in between you just run. That’s when you find out who you are and what you’re made of.” Wow I loved that. I just put it as my Facebook status! As for the email, I just checked it. I don’t check this gmail very often as it’s not my principal address.

    Daria (406) –

    “now im being invited to hang out at an after party with my guy friend!

    wow my life is takin off like Lizka!” Wow I am so happy to read that!!!!

    “i feel so easily included in stuff now and like its easy to chill w cool people and they want me to” – I feel exactly like this too for a few weeks now! I really feel like something happened and it’s a brand new me in the way I am interacting with others. Fun stuff huh?

  415.  #415Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Radlove – i can really relate! its taken me these years of Rori practice… and now im feeling more powerful and less affected by ‘that stuff they say’ and its GROWING… and oh also now they’re saying it less

    and i get myself out ‘walk away’ much more quickly

  416.  #416Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm


    333 again – “for me the triggering words are like β€œhow long are you gonna do β€˜nothing?’”)”

    This is really going to help me to shift my vibe with her, because I feel so much anger toward all this garbage. Yeah, that was the implication, that I’m doing nothing, while in reality I’ve been applying for tens of jobs and making all sorts of business contacts AND working on my emotional healing.

    So I will do my best to go to sadness, rather than anger, when I feel accused and condemned.

  417.  #417Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Lizka – yay! feels fun indeed!

  418.  #418GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Thank you, Dominique. I did a cleanse and lost weight,even though I tried not to. The past month, I’ve been focusing on gaining weight, eating more carbs than usual. It hasn’t worked, I still keep going up 2 lbs and then down again. So, that, plus stress, is probably my issues. I will need to concentrate on eating better without high calorie/carb foods, since it’s not working anyways.

  419.  #419Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    i Did text Neighbor Cd and he put me off for later nicely

    now i still feel all anxious and im like hmmm

    it would feel better to have made plans with others hehe

  420.  #420Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 2:22 pm


    413 – Wow, you are amazing! One reason I feel so angry is I am trying to put up a wall against all the put downs. I can see now she really doesn’t mean to be doing it. But it’s like she has predicted my whole life will be a failure, even tho she wants me to succeed.

    so I will give compassion to HER weak parts.

  421.  #421Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    GivingGirl – stress will not help me lose or gain weight… i noticed for me its much about consistency

    if i can eat the carbs everyday for 1 – 3 months in a healthy way it will work

    if im all over the place and my sleep doesnt feel full than my body and mind will not get together and focus on my intention

  422.  #422Starla on May 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    giving girl, i saw that about facebook… i actually don’t *believe* them when they say views don’t play into who appears featured, because I haven’t interacted with CF’s wall since december and have 470 other friends that could show up on the front page. I also have the new timeline format…

  423.  #423Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Radlove – yeah ! the WALL! it felt liek great protection most of my life!

    now i feel more self worthy so im able to actually hear that and trust MYSELF! not them… and think to myeslf what they are saying is NOT true about me, i Know i rock actually, and if its soemthign that feels bad, i can heal that later its an opportunity to heal and strengthened where i hadn’t looked at

    that was the missing piece for me, the putting trust in me and so being able to RECEIVE their communication without accepting it as ‘my truth’

    from thereon, it was about practice getting feeling messages out of my mouth in the moment

  424.  #424GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm


    I was thinking of evening primrose. I have cod liver oil, but admittedly have been slacking on taking it. I should pull it out and leave it on my counter to remind me to take it. I’ve been very scatter brained lately. I will cook with some coconut oil tonight and have a salad too. I’ve also been getting back into some bad habits with sugar. I had cut it out for so long and coffee too, but this past 2 weeks, I’ve been indulging both.

    GivingGirl, you know what your problem is…you’re eating too many bad things. You need to get back to your healthy diet and your hair and skin will thank you.

  425.  #425Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Radlove – more on the missing piece – yes, its for me i noticed its THEIR weak parts that they are railing at, projecting on me

    and when im honoring msyelf, and syaing no that doesnt feel good… yet ABLE TO HEAR THEM! and calmly say it doesnt feel good…

    then they are able to heal that in themselves too and it shows up healed a lil whiles later!! (it feels quite baffling and disconcerting at first though, the boat gets rocked and they/ I mihgt have strong emotional reactions – catharsis)

  426.  #426Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Giving Girl – coffee and sugar are great and healthy… as long as you’re not beating yourself up about them

    i hear in the post that you are

    my body and mind will choose and crave whats nourishing and healthy… when i choose to trust it.

    it feels scary to trust my body rather than “common knowledge… that ‘sugar is bad'” etc

    sugar is actually a miracle food!

    and eating a lot of it can make you sick – your body will NOT crave a lot of it. only addiction – NOT paying attention to your feelings and desire – will have you doing ‘too much’ of anything

    eating a lot of kale can make you sick! if one was too eat it addictively

    I let my body and mind guide me!

    if i want sugar stuff… then its good for me right then!

    if i dont want to think about somethig and instead am eating sugar to the point of i dont really want it im just eating it just to avoid that ‘other thing’ then i will be making myself sick… not with the sugar as much as with the addictive ‘stuffing’

    i am pretty sure thats how tabacco ’causes’ cancer too

  427.  #427Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    You need good quality fats like the ones suggested GivingGirl. Butter is good too. And good quality protein sources. If it was me, I would favor these over carbs, and if there is still room, have some good quality carbs like red potatoes or quinoa which is a high protein grain.

    Yams or sweet potatoes are good if you can handle the high sugar content. I cannot. It upsets my belly.

    Sour juices will aid digestion, such as grapefruit and cranberry (unsweetened).


  428.  #428Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    For those times when there is a lot of sugar in my bloodstream, i eat a lil bit of cinnamon (sprinkle it on my hand and lick it off) 1/4 teaspoon is enough, even though i am starting to like more now that i have the finer “true cinnamon” i ordered

    this cinnamon thing really works!

    Dominique i feel surprised to hear your tummy gets upset from yams and such! i don’t see myself gaining any weight with red potatoes and quinoa, those are some of the leanest carbs for me…

    you said you’re no longer looking to gain weight so that might no longer be an interest concern

    i wonder if your tummy might do better with cinnamon mixed with the high sugar yams/roots

  429.  #429Calypso on May 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I wonder why I started my period a week early? Do you think it could have anything to do with laying in bed beside GM and NOT having sex with him, but sinking into my feelings and really experiencing the scent of him, the feeling of him beside me, moving in the bed while he slept, the sounds of his breathing . . . I stayed awake almost all Thursday night just enjoying how turned on and how leaned back i was and then WHAM! started bleeding on Friday – a full week early! I have not been in bed with him since Christmas and I don’t think we have ever slept together without having sex before this weekend trip.

    Talk about triggered . . . lol

  430.  #430Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    the cinnamon thing works to normalize blood sugar and shift athat icky blah im a puffy pastry feeling

  431.  #431Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Calypso – yeah men pheromones are strong influencers of my hormones… sleeping in bed next to a man ive had sex w def counts, esp if he’s one i feel turned on with

  432.  #432GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:45 pm


    IDK, the people on my list, so I interact with and some I don’t. I don’t see a pattern though. I don’t have timeline yet.

  433.  #433Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Thank you for suggesting this Daria. I have tried this. I love cinnamon and eat it daily as a digestif. Anything highly fibrous or of high sugar (yams have both) is hard for me because I have “special” plumbing.


  434.  #434Starla on May 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Thanks for investigating this with me, Detective Giving Girl:) hehehe

  435.  #435Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    what ‘helps’ me the most is mentally letting my body know what i intend to do with this food (ie increase fat here, heal here, nourish my liver, etc) this really helps me in selecting foods too, and i can tell by the way my body reacts to my looking at/picking up a food whether it will feel good or not to consume that right now

  436.  #436Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Thank you Starla, I am studying and leaning back and trying not to think much. And when I have fears talking and saying that if we don’t see each other for 5-6 weeks what would be left out of what we had I tell them to shut up πŸ˜‰ It’s been 3 weeks now and I am afraid it’s starting to fade. But then it’s not my fault, I’ve been open to his attention.

  437.  #437Rori Raye on May 1, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    May Fly – You’re actors, performers – get used to this kind of thing, please. I personally love what he said – so honest and true…and I want you to be able to handle it without taking it personally. AND – if you don’t know how to flirt – he just asked you to learn to do it….What he said to you was fabulous. Love, Rori

  438.  #438Daria on May 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Goo Memulo you sound great right now!

  439.  #439Calypso on May 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Thanks Daria – I thought so. I’m just going to take it as a helpful hand from the Universe . . . easier to lean back with all that going on . . .

  440.  #440GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    @424 Daria

    I’ve only really had 8 cups of coffee in the last 2 weeks. I used to put lots of sugar in it, but I’ve been limiting myself to 1 tsp per cup. So, no that is not a lot of coffee or sugar, however, I’ve also been eating more left over Easter candy, a piece of pie, pizza, pasta, bread, and stuff of the like. I don’t usually want sweets, but have been lately and not worrying about it since I need to gain weight.

    I think maybe the gluten and sugar, which my body hasn’t been used to is working against me. Stress typically makes me lose weight. I think it ups my metabolism. I still get my morning smoothie with coconut milk, whey protein, spinach, fruit, and some olive oil on most mornings.

    I’ve been tired and feeling very lazy and not taking the time to prepare my lunch and dinner properly and if I don’t do it in advance, I have to get something out, or scrounge around for food.

    I think once I’m done with school next week, I will feel so much freer. It’s taking up a lot of my time and energy beyond my full time job and taking care of my house and yard. I feel there is little time left for me.

  441.  #441Lizka on May 1, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    So I haven’t tell you about my weekend and my multiple dates!!

    On Friday night, I had a date with RamadanCD. We met downtown and went to smoke shisha and drink tea which was the initial plan and then he proposed to go eat so we went to a Tibetan restaurant. It was fun, he makes me laugh a lot. I felt connected because he had texted me many times all week before (and he still has text me every day since the date). When I got home, he texted me again and I don’t know, I said a thing about FWB (he said he had a few) and he said “No, I put them on hold” I said “why? I didn’t ask you anything”. So he said “It’s my way. I want to see what happens with you before”.

    I feel so surprised. We haven’t kiss or even really “touch” each other yet. Just texting every day for a week and had 2 dates… It feels nice to see that he is apparently thinking of something serious with me and he’s not rushing things. But I wonder… is he in an imaginary relationship? Lol, it feels weird. Anyway, he asked me out for this Friday again, and he said something about picking fruits at a farm or something. Cute. At least he’s doing all the leaning forward, inviting, planning. It feels refreshing!

    Saturday, I had a date with the car dealership’s owner (I’ll call him RushCD). He invited me to his cottage. Since he was already there for the weekend and that I obviously didn’t want to spend the night there, I drove there by myself even though it’s not the most sireny things to do. But I was happy to have an occasion to drive my car so I didn’t really think of it. He was nice too, bought all kind of stuff to cook a lunch, bought wine and we spent the day by the lake, in the sun, drinking and talking. At the end of the afternoon, we went inside to watch some TV, and out of nowhere, he said “I want to kiss you”. I said “that feels weird”, and he said “Can I?” I really felt uncomfortable. Like dude, you’re burning some steps here, no flirting, no cuddling, no nothing and you want to kiss me? I said “it would feel better to be cuddled before kissing” so he took me in his arms and we watched tv for… 2 minutes! And he started kissing me. I really didn’t like that. I felt rushed into something I had said 2 minutes ago that I didn’t want. Like he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be kissed after no flirting. I let him kiss me anyway, thinking that we would kiss for 2 minutes and keep watching the movie while cuddling, but no, he kept kissing me and kissing and kissing none stop. I told him that I’m not really a big kisser. That I kiss to flirt or when I have sex, and that this felt like neither one or the other. Once again, he apparently didn’t listen to me because he kept kissing me and even started untie my bra. WTF?? I told him not to and he did it anyway. So I asked him to drive me to my car and I left.

    I feel really turned off. If he calls me again, I think I’ll let him know that I felt turned off and unheard. And I will see him only in public place for now, like restaurant or bars.

  442.  #442Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm


    421 – Powerful stuff! Thank you!

  443.  #443Lizka on May 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    So on my way back to the city, I thought that ATW could have been at his father’s place like almost every weekend. His place was on my way. So I called him. I told you that I decided to lean a little more forward with him and it seems to be working? So yeah I called him but he was at his place so I said ok and he said let’s go have dinner. So I picked him up and he took me to his favourite restaurant and it was super fun. I told him about my work and the little issue I had last week and I really felt that he was listening to me and he suggested some things I should do and was super protective which felt nice.

    Oh I didn’t tell you that I am feeling kind of h*rny lately and obviously I don’t want to sleep with anyone I meet in the street. So in the car back, I tols ATW about this, and about how I missed sleeping with him… and I just invited him over. Just for sex. It was honestly my 1st thought. For sex. No expectation. I just really badly needed sex. And after all, he was super nice, super respectful and attentive to me. We cuddled all night. If he was turning in the bed, he would keep my hand in his. And at one point, before we felt asleep, I hold his hand tighter, and he did the same. After a few seconds of back to normal, he hold it tighter again. I felt it like he said “Don’t worry, I’m here”. I really felt connected. He stayed with me in the morning until the middle of the afternoon, we just watched movies all day and cooked breakfast. At night, he texted me good night.

    I feel really good about it because I don’t feel like I broke my boundary of no sex with him. I slept with him in another context, because “I needed sex”, not because “I need him”. I had no expectation and I think I got more. I am not saying that he’s in total love with me right now, but I think he respects me more now. I think we have find a way to communicate and interact with each other. I believe leaning back 100% was not working with him, It’s possible no, It’s possible that it’s not for everyone? I don’t want to make up excuses, but really, since I stopped leaning back 100%, I have a better connexion with him. I still use Rori’s tools and advices, I don’t lean forward 100% of the time, I lean forward, and I lean back and let him come to me a few times then I lean forward again. And I lean forward only when I have no expectation. For example, yesterday, I had my oxytocin withdrawal and I felt a little lost and sad and I wanted to lean forward, but no, I didn’t do it because I know that it would have been just a fix. But later today, I might call him because I want to discuss something about my job with him. It’s not to help me feel better about “us”, it’s just to have an advice from a great adviser. So far, it’s been working super good that way.

    And finally, I have also leaned forward with ModelCD today because I haven’t heard from him in a while. I just texted him a joke and he replied “hey I was asleep and just woke up” meaning he was sorry he didn’t call me before. He was caving I guess. And he invited me to go dinner at his new place because he is moving out this weekend. He didn’t confirm a day yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll call me soon, for next week maybe.

    So here I am again this week, super busy bee! I am training harder and harder for the marathon because my race is in 26 days. That’s what I have to do. Again this week with my collegues we have TWO plans of going out and drink tomorrow and Thursday! Friday I’m going out with RamadanCD. I have no plans for the weekend yet but I’m sure I’ll have some soon enough. And if I don’t, I’ll be really happy to just have some time for myself and clean and train and sleep. Ah some ME time would feel good!!

  444.  #444Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm


    425 – Yes, I see that now. When she was here, my tools were coming to mind left and right. There I was being accused of the same things my father had been accused of by her, and a few of her estranged friends. And there I saw it for the first time in her:


    It sure is a perspective shift, after taking on all this inferiority stuff on myself all my life. I can see it so clearly on a cognitive level. I wish I could shift it that fast emotionally. But what you are saying has been copied and pasted for future reference. I hope and pray my Mom finds healing. She is such a beautiful person aside from the emotional garbage that binds her.

  445.  #445Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Giving Girl – thank you for sharing… i feel that icky feeling of remembering that similar pattern for me… many times ive decided on a gain weight diet and sabotaged it w getting stressed out like you describe

    im now feeling so much closer to an awareness of myself where i can actually choose this diet/intention plan and keep it up in a consistent way… not skipping on my prep work (thats where i was missing out, not having enough stuff availalbe easily and ‘scrounging’ as you called it)!

    it will feel exciting! Babysteps

  446.  #446Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    My Claim to Fame

    I just watched an HBO special on the Air Force One airplane with keen interest! When Walter Mondale was the vice president, I had the privilege of touring Air Force Two, because my uncle was the pilot! πŸ™‚ It sure was a special day!

  447.  #447Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Giving Girl – similarly to you, when i have lots of gluten and sugar NOT intentionally (ie ‘scrounging’ and ‘settling’ and ‘hurrying’)

    and im not having VEGETABLES and FRUIT and and freshness to balance it out… thats’ when my skin/energy/hair/candida issues shows icky



    i feel all sad thinking of it now


  448.  #448Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    once im at that point i remember a couple spoons of the fish oil/cod liver oil has a really fast effect to turn it around

    then hopefully getting a green smoothie/huge salad/ big bowl of pho w lemon grass that day or the next

  449.  #449Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Apple Cider Vinegar shots also help me ‘temporarily’ when im over sugared and not enough vegetabled

  450.  #450GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    I will try more high quality fats and proteins. I just put a quinoa and brown rice casserole with greek yogurt, green chiles, olive oil, diced tomatoes, sea salt, pepper, tumeric, onion, garlic and cinnamon in the oven. I’ve been eating butter this week on baked potatoes as well. I usually have peanut butter daily too.

  451.  #451Lizka on May 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    I have to go run but I feel so not motivated again. Arrrgggg ok go Lizka!!

  452.  #452GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Starla, funny you should call me that. BoatGuy used to call me his little researcher/detective.

  453.  #453Aurora Girl on May 1, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    HI Chickies…..

    sharing Susan Jeffers’ affirmation resources to deal with those NVs..


    love Aurora

  454.  #454Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I eat lots of fats and protein – my main part of my diet – and this keeps me feeling good and does NOT increase or decrease my weight.

    I also eat lots of nuts and chocolate.

    For me, im pretty sure its the ‘hormony’ starches such as yams, and thick mixes like rice and beans Togehter, and buttery sugary cornmeal that would help me gain weight. Along with drinking fenugreek tea.

    i feel guilty sharing about my nutrition stuff in this – i dont want to run off dominique – i noticed im judging myself as being ‘a steam roller’ and ignoring the sensitivities of others. I want to express in a way that others feel heard and included and not dismissed by me. and now i feel sad πŸ™

    i want to heal this

  455.  #455GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm


    I feel so happy for you. Things seem to be coming together nicely. I’m glad you held your ground with RushCD. I’ve been there before and it is not comfortable. I feel a bad sense of trying to be controlled in those situations.

  456.  #456Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm


    RE: #450 – That sounds unusual and delicious!

    Other high quality fats:

    Olive oil
    Black olives
    Coconut oil


  457.  #457Aurora Girl on May 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    454 Daria
    I like reading what works for you….I like hearing all stories….because life is never so simple or all or nothing….there’s so much variability…

    and what you have to say is valid…..for sure…

    Thank you for sharing it!


  458.  #458GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:34 pm


    Thank you. I feel happy knowing you relate to how I’m feeling. I will be taking care of myself tonight and making sure I have a good lunch and dinner for tomorrow. It is school tomorrow and I lack time.

  459.  #459Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    My neighbor and I share a trampoline: I own the trampoline (free off Craigslist), and it is in their yard, since my dogs and their fence are filling most of my yard. So we share the use of the trampoline, and it works great!

    Right now two 7 year olds are wildly jumping on the trampoline, which is scattered with unfilled water balloons, and the little girl is holding a running hose while she jumps! What a beautiful scene of life and color with the balloons jumping all over the trampoline, LOL! This is great having kids as neighbors…I can stay connected with my lil girl inside!

  460.  #460Lizka on May 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    GivingGirl 455 –

    “”being controlled” ! Exactly! That’s exactly it!!

    And now that I think of it, he was like this too when I was dating him 6 years ago. But I was not a siren in that time and had no boundaries. So he might be thinking that he can act the same as the young 20 years old me. But no. This is why I am open to give him another chance. Because I have changed. If he’s still pushy, too bad. I’m off. Ok I prefer PushyCD. More fun to say! πŸ™‚

    I’m off to my run now. I’ll be back later sirens!!


  461.  #461Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    so i went to see Getright . wow.

    mmm… i remember why i did nto feel good with him. i felt way better than usual and instantly did not really want to stick around now.

    this time he was all – i want to have a baby with you, i want to have a child with Daria – to everyone

    (i already knwo this from when we were dating)

    he’s all.. i want YOU to be the mother of my child…

    yu never changed on me… you might be weird but youre still your weird self

    (this did not feel good. i dont want a man that i feel put down with, or like im ‘weird’ in a way that feels bad. i noticed.. i did nto express nad the disconnect w him started happening from here)

    there were a few other times when similar behaviors came up

    and i didn’t really care, i felt bored, and like turned off… and i felt guilty a bit to feel that way towards him

    i really care for hima nd i want to be with a man i feel taken care of with

    so we’ll see if he swithches EVERYTHING around so he can give to me

    apparently he’s all into me now

    im gonna give him a chance, if he wants it

    i feel excited to communicate about this, and a lil nervous

  462.  #462GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    @456 Radlove

    Thank you. I love olives too.

    I’ve never made it like this before. I found the recipe online and changed it up many times depending on what I have. It’s actually supposed to be cream of something soup and sour cream, but don’t have soup and greek yogurt is better than sour cream.

  463.  #463Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Neighbor CD had a death in the family and helping his brother with an illness so im letting mr 59 year old cd come see me instead

  464.  #464Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I am appreciating all the nutrition talk today. It has been my focus lately.

    Giving Girl, I am right there with ya, with the breaking out thing. Last month my skin was luminous, flawless! And now, the past 2 weeks, it looks horrible. My diet hasn’t changed drastically except, yes, a bit more sugar. Mostly dark chocolate though (and I try to get good quality). So I am really frustrated.

    I know this is hormonal and I need to treat from the inside. I want to try Chasteberry, as recommended by Dominique, but they don’t have it Hi-Health so I will have to look online.

    And now I’m interested in the Cod Liver Oil thing (thanks Daria). Not sure where to get that. Or maybe try the ACV first?

    So many options – which to choose. What does my body want?

  465.  #465Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    I want all of those… I want good oils/fats…

    I want good acids … acv/fruit juices dominque mentioned…

    I want good herbies medicine πŸ™‚ chasteberry will do it… i’ve been thinking about it too

    and I also want good proteins, good carbs, good veggies as fiber and juiceys – good hidration!

  466.  #466Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Something interesting Dominique just wrote about the body not absorbing the nutrients.

    I wonder if this could be true for me.

    I really eat super healthy (7-10 servings of fruit/veggies every day). I almost never eat anything processed. Once a week I have a blended coffee drink.

    But now I’m breaking out &, truthfully, I feel my hair should be in WAY better shape & it grows ultra slow & breaks easy.

    I should be a glowing healthy goddess. What gives?

  467.  #467Daria on May 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    The Codliver oil is at most healthfoods including Wholefoods supermarket

    i feel so empowered and delighted shopping online though, i often find much more exquisite stuff that is just what i want

  468.  #468GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm


    I feel bad you are going through this too. I hope both of our bodies work at healing.

  469.  #469Starla on May 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    it’s nice to see you all discussing nutrition. I can’t eat more than half a meal at a time lately thanks to mr. heartbreak, but I’m using that to my advantage, since i’d like to lose about 10-15 pounds.

  470.  #470Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Me too, Giving Girl. Right now I just cringe & feel so sad when I look in the mirror. Like my body is mad at me.

    I want it to be happy again.

  471.  #471Daria on May 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Goodheart – what is healthy to you? when you say you eat healthy is that the fruit and vegetables?…

    it sounds like you’re not getting enough FAT and perhaps even protein (hair breaking, skin issues around hormones) and yes, that will definitely slow down absorption

    I would get in good fat oils, and eat lots of probiotics to encourage good bacteria to live in my tummy to absorb more nutrients for me

    i would eat fish as my protein esp if i was not focusing to build muscle but rather soothe my brain and energy levels ( i would eat some lamb or grass fed beef if i were missing out protein in my muscular system)

    outside the US i would drink raw milk for my probiotics… in the US i would look and order a powerful capsule form one

  472.  #472GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm


    Sometimes I feel it doesn’t matter if stress is bringing you down. I think it’s my biggest issue right now. I can’t wait for my vacation in 1 month!

    What do any of you know about sea buckthorn oil? I seem to find mixed reviews.

  473.  #473GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Is liking a photo on FB considered leaning forward?

  474.  #474Starla on May 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    capsules make me break out big time. i just switched to organic yogurt and it’s working great:)

  475.  #475CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I have been learning about the wonders of coconut in the diet. It increases metabolism due to the medium-chain fatty acids and lauric (?) acid. I am fascinated by all of the things it does. Unrefined, organic, virgin is best. I am cooking with it exclusively now.

  476.  #476CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Oops I left out an important word…coconut OIL. πŸ™‚

  477.  #477Daria on May 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Starla – ive heard that theres huge differences between the capsules at diff brands so some work well for some people and others for other people

    i like yoghurt way better when i have it … id drink hella of it to equate it to the capsule tho… like a liter a day of it

  478.  #478Daria on May 1, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Sea Buckthorn – !! Ive tried it infused in apple cider vinegar

    mm its great for older people to boost and strengthen their metabolism

    mmm id say you’d probably want to take a lot of it (several sppoonfools) consistently and you’d notice consistent steady energy and less cold in your extremities… in a very mild fashion

  479.  #479Daria on May 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Giving Girl – mostly yeah. Receivin a ‘like’ however, and saying thank you for them feels feminine to me

  480.  #480Starla on May 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    alright beautiful women, i am off to the gym. love to me and my awesome body <3

  481.  #481Daria on May 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    okay Coconut oil people — i love coconut… and yet many times the coconut oil is like a butter that tastes ‘ick’ to me. almost like it’s rancid. is there a brand or soemthing that does NOT taste that way? is mine kinda rancid, or does it all taste like that… ive noticed many people saying they Love the taste…

    im usualy loving the taste of everything and anything so i felt surprised to feel that way with coconut oil

  482.  #482CurvySiren10 on May 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Daria, are you getting the unrefined virgin stuff? It has a very mild, definitely not rancid taste, and exudes the lovely aroma of coconut. I have heard that the refined coconut oils can be kind of nasty, ie. “rancid” maybe?!

  483.  #483GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm


    When I can’t eat from being emotional, I drink smoothies so I still get my nutrition and my tummy doesn’t mind it. My tummy really feels my emotions and moods.

  484.  #484GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    @478 Daria

    Oh that feels good. I have autoimmune disease and my extremities are frequently cold.

  485.  #485Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Daria – hugs to you. I don’t feel run off at all. you are not saying anything very different than I plus everyone’s body is different, requiring sometimes a different intake of nutrients.


  486.  #486GivingGirl on May 1, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Daria, I buy the Nutiva Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. Ingredients are organic, unrefined, cold-pressed, extra-virgin coconut oil. I think unrefined is important. I like how this tastes and smells.

  487.  #487lk on May 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    i feel sad & i don’t know why & i’m just going to say ok yes i feel sad sad sad mad mad mad stomp my foot

    now i do feel curious

    i kind of feel magical because i was just feeling sad. & i really wanted to just be sad sad until cd gets home, then get him sad. & in the mean time, i was going to describe how sad i feel & Explain it – i was going to Explain it – oh that is so interesting…… you are a nice girl, lk & thank you for talking to me : ) aww CUTE ! i can have this nice inner dialogue & i can be my own best friend. i feel really guilty & embarrassed & “Messed Up” now… happy & jump-ing up happy though ! : ))….. ooooh very self-conscious, & “i don’t believe you” oh, ok, lk : ) there are a lot of us & we can all keep talking about it all day & all night & all life long, ok ? i really am my own best friend. really & truly, i will never ever abandon myself. hugs to me. close hugs like only i can give myself. i am totally One with me lol & all the buggies inside & around me & all the buzzing things…

    ok i really do feel good. there are a million ways to feel “bad” but that’s just looking down; you can look up too. but you can look down, too. sometimes you are actually going downward ! ooh neat : ) & back up, feels peaceful, the waves, the women

    i really can be my own best friend. i like to see daria & starla talking. i like it & it looks like me – just me. i’m everyone.

    someone says X – i hear Y – they tell me they meant X

    still, i do not fully Hear them…. oh, i can….. but there are 2 sides of it on my end that “interfere”…. what i Hear – what i am Sensitive / Attuned to notice – the things that Remind me of a pattern i’ve experienced – the things i Fear……… then – how i React – what i’ve seen other people do, what makes me feel “Comfortable”…. not what Works, though. i barely ever do What Works

    & the only way is to release guilt, release past/future

    just me, now, here, who i am. love to me, & with that, the entire universe. loving myself, loving you – loving you, loving myself – loving you, loving us – loving us, loving myself

    feel scared again. feel not-good-enough. feel Silenced. feel brutal & brutalized. & it really is so easy to switch it. i choose Bliss & Peace – i can do that. over & over again. practicing. practicing every day. “Yoke yourself to disciplined Love” ok ok i will practice & intend & want that

    i like to go back & forth – i love you, i respect myself; i respect myself, i love you; i honor you, i trust myself; i honor myself, i trust you

    i’m all Curious about things, & melancholic about how distant that Forgiveness seems…. i want that. i intend that. i declare Love & Forgiveness as my Practice. please help me. thank you

  488.  #488Dominique on May 1, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Daria – I get mine at Trader Joes, extra virgin, no rancidity with a lovely, mild coconut aroma. At a great price too, @ $4.00


  489.  #489lk on May 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    yoga means yoke

  490.  #490lk on May 1, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    yummy i like coconut oil, but if it is too cold / too solid, it is “yuck” to me

  491.  #491Ravenquile on May 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    There really is no such Dynamic as masculine and feminine energy. An attraction either is or isn’t, in various degrees; you really can’t create one if one does not exist. That has nothing at all to do with a relationship, however. Mutual getting and giving, pleasing and being pleased, by each other’s company, laughter, whatever. MUTUAL. When something is going all one way, or lopsided, something is wrong. ( Now, we know that you have to push to try to nudge a man off his feet).

    I think women get tripped up with all this false teaching; I have seen lopsided power approaches; but sometimes it is the man, sometimes it is the woman. This matters when there is NOT an even, mutual, attraction or a mutual kindred click kind of thing going on; it NEVER happens in a mutual/matched relational combo.

    When it is not mutual/matched, natural, smooth, open flow is not going down; this is where you have to know how to create communication, rapport, relational styles to match the person at hand ( different strokes for different folks kind of thing is what you do ).

  492.  #492Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 4:58 pm


    Coconut oil melts at 83 degrees. One friend of mine likes it on cooked corn. I like to fry pancakes in it! Yum!

  493.  #493Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Jordan Rubin is a naturopathic physician who talks a lot about the value of coconut products. I also like to make smoothies with coconut milk.

    It is also my favorite lubricant when I am making love! πŸ˜›

  494.  #494Radlove on May 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm


    You know what I wish I could do? I wish I could watch some of you silently and invisible for a day to see you in action with all your feeling messages and Sireny practices!

    I would learn so much! It is a pleasure to learn from you all on here.

  495.  #495siren song on May 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    my date stood me up! i feel so weird.

    i feel like i am in the pits this week.

  496.  #496Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Daria, I do eat salmon at least once a week, plus chicken once or twice a week, cooked in EVO or real butter. I tend to stay away from red meats, but like me some ground sausage once in awhile.

    I was eating greek yogurt for a couple weeks, but really feel it contributed to my skin breaking out (just a strong feeling). I’ve heard the probiotic pills aren’t good/effective so I’m a little bit confused on where to get my probiotics.

    Thanks for your input, I really appreciate & value your opinion πŸ™‚

  497.  #497Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    I get my coconut oil from Sprouts.

    It tastes pretty good spread on some multi-grain toast with honey~

  498.  #498Goodheart on May 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Dominique, regarding the Chasteberry – is there a particular kind to get?

    I’ve been looking online & there are tablets, berries, liquid – I feel ugh. Confused.

  499.  #499Memulo on May 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I wonder about the best way to stay supportive but express that I don’t want to listen too much about the ‘battle’ πŸ˜‰ That is if I ever get a call LOL

    On the other hand, how can I be supportive if I am not listening to what bothers him the most?

  500.  #500Sun Goddess on May 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    ((((siren song)))))

  501.  #501Sun Goddess on May 1, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    493, rad love,

    That would be so cool!