A Great Success Story – YOU Can Do This, Too!

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030-220This was just sent to me from Pamela, and it’s just about the most romantic story I’ve ever heard – complete with world travel, love and light at the “end of the tunnel,” and a happy ending:


I am a speech, drama and effective communication tutor, an actor, writer and director living on the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia.  I am an attractive 55 year old.

I purchased Rori’s Modern Siren collection a few years ago – devouring it by listening to it again and again; listened to many of the interview series; and always read her emails.

I had not had the best history with relationships (two not too great marriages and a number of commitment-phobe unsuitables), so was desperate for some kind of ‘recipe’ for success.  Based on Rori’s relationship advice, I ended a relationship after realising I had been in an ‘imagined’ one  for 17 months!  I wanted so much from this man, loved him – but, in my heart, I knew he would never take things to the next level.

I had already started to develop my inner siren, thus living, working and doing – for me.  I took up martial arts, bought a bike and did everything that pleased ME.  I then began to date myself (as well as a variety of men) and put many of Rori’s principles into practice.  I listed the qualities I could bring to the relationship I wanted and I listed the qualities I wanted in a mate. Men who were not close to my wish list, I did not waste too much time with.  I felt more powerful in my own attraction and values than ever.  This may sound awfully arrogant, but it was great!  I did want to find `the one’.  I felt as though I had wonderful qualities in which to give to the right man and he would recognise that.

I took myself on a trip for 3 months – flew to L.A – Vegas – bus trip to Flagstaff – then Albuquerque – flew to Houston – Baton Rouge – New Orleans – New York (met so many guys) – Dublin – London – Paris – Barcelona (completing a two week theatre course staying in the mountains) – Venice – Florence – Rome – Istanbul – Athens – Santorini and Mykonos!

I was alone for the most part, but caught up with various friends along the way.  In Rome I threw three coins in the Trevi Fountain and wished for `an officer and a gentleman’ based on the qualities on my list.  Ten days later I boarded the hydrofoil which was to take me from Santorini to Mykonos (four days before the end of the trip).  Seating was allocated.

My seat was in a set of three (the centre one).  The man on the end got up to held me place my carry on bag in the luggage hold above.  We locked eyes, he smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and lifted my bag with a very impressive set of arm muscles.  We sat and talked for almost three hours.

Here we were on the other side of the world, both from Queensland, Australia ( an hour’s drive away from each other).  A Captain in the Australian Army, he was on leave from Afghanistan!  We talked easily about absolutely everything – family, work, hopes, dreams, relationships, politics … and with an obvious attraction for one another.  He asked if I would like to have dinner with him that night.

Walking away from this initial meeting once in Mykonos, I can honestly say, I just KNEW.  That night he picked me up from my hotel in a cab.  We walked down to Little Venice, past the famous windmills, our hands easily slipping together.  We sat at a romantic table on the water wherein we fell in love.  This was August 12, 2012.

Two days later, he left to fly back to the Middle East.  For two and a half months we had a phone relationship.  He arrived back in Australia Oct 18th and we reconnected.  Nov 10th he asked me to marry him.  On Dec 5th, we bought a house.  On May 11th this year, we married.  To date, I have never been happier.

I know, that if I had not changed tact and continued choosing the wrong men, this would not have been possible.

There is so much more to this story that is so amazing.



Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 7:05 am


  2.  #2Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 7:34 am


    update on “D” he stepped up… he did, I didn’t even think that I wanted him, b/c I was so turned off by his behavior… that night sitting in the lounge and talking about just life, things, politics, poverty, business, that I got turned on again… it was a nice nice date… his softness and gentle touch and man his kisses almost made me explode inside… and yet, I’m still struggling the physical attraction part some… but I know from past and what Dominique has said, to wait on that part…

    yesterday we went to the gallery to look at art, that was fun! I felt good with him, and then we went on a hike… that was so nice… not like my past hike dates… I felt good with him… easy talking, easy silence… and he is playful like me… and very fit like me… and very adventourous like me… he gave me the most passionate kisses on the trail… he backed me up gently against the tree and OMG! talking about chemical reactions with his kisses…. I suppose it is true about men’s testosterone and a woman’s reactions to it…

    the waterfall was magnificent… b/c of the rain we has the day before…

    had a nice romantic dinner…

    I had a trigger earlier that day, I won’t go into it… but he handled it very well… held me, understood… and just wanted me to be happy again…

    he is on his way back home… I don’t know exactly how I feel about him, yet… but, I know that I’m so much closer to what I want, need in a man that I was 6 mos ago… Today would have been “M” and I’s 1 year anniversary… funny! That seems to distant now….

    I have a date with “MR” tomorrow…. and speed dating on Wed…

    “D” has certainly shown me so much about myself and what I want… how and what turns me on and off… and he is long way away and I have no clue how that might look for a future dating situation….

    and I’m crying now…. cuz I think I’m somewhat attached… to him…

    and at least my standards are attracting more suitable men…


  3.  #3BlueRedLove on January 13, 2014 at 8:44 am

    I think I gong to cry. I’m going to be a crying, sobbing mess at work after reading this story. I so needed to see this.

    I know Rori’s tools work. I have her book and all of her programs except Toxic Men. I’ve read and listened and watched each countless times. I do the work. I Circular Date. I refuse to be a girlfriend. But, I always end up alone. Just me.

    I was just wondering this weekend, why is it that all of my girlfriends are married and or engaged, when none of them have done this work? Most have done little to no work on themselves, on relationship. Yet, I’m the one who is always left alone to figure out life.

    I’m magnificent. I know that. Thanks to Rori, I’ve known that for a few years now. But, in the end, it’s always me. By myself.

    I was feeling exasperated and angry and sad before reading this post. Now, I feel inspired.

    Congratulations, Pamela. I am so happy to read your success story.

  4.  #4Jameella on January 13, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Request: Not sure how to ask questions/get advice

    I’m 68 years old and having lots of success and fun in dating because of what I have learned from Rori. Mostly a few years younger men that I’m going out with from Match.com I have a question about sex. I had wonderful sex with a man last night – I did a lap dance ( actually my second one for him, in two weeks), which I learned from your sessions. Lots of fun. Yesterday he picked me up in the afternoon, I got him to, by staying firm, using what I have learned here – I live an hour a way from him, we went down to DC for an IMAX movie, I waited for him to open all the doors, including my car door, each time – was a little hard for me to do that – I’ m pretty independent – CEO of a A/E firm, but love being my feminine side. He drove me after to his house in Annapolis as planned, I did the lap dance, we spent the night as planned, I gave him the exclusivity script about sex, when he said that would be OK, we have been seeing each other for about 2 months (and by the way I wasn’t attracted to him at first (didn’t even really want to hold hands with him on the first date);, before I took my clothes off. I didn’t feel ready to go all the way – almost there, but I let him pleasure me – which was incredible. My question??????? Rori you say not to ‘service them’, that it is supposed to be about my orgasm, but what do you say when they ask for it…I don’t really enjoy giving blow jobs, didn’t feel ready to do that, and in fact don’t like that until I am more in love. But after he pleasured me, and I came to orgasm and then he wanted me to ‘service’ him with my hands, I didn’t know what to say. I did, but it was definitely done out of guilt. What do you say so it does not seem selfish to say no – . Should I say up front that “you can pleasure me, I won’t be servicing you until we know each other better, that that would get me too involved, too drawn in, possible feeling bad the next day.” Rori, Thank you for all your help. This is the 2nd time I’m asking about how to get a question answered. Not sure how to submit it – if it should be here or some other place/way. Jameella
    Summary: How can I get a question answered by Rori – is this the right place to put one?

  5.  #5kyla on January 13, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Beautiful 🙂

  6.  #6Liquid Light on January 13, 2014 at 10:38 am

    LOVE this!!!

  7.  #7Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Lisa I am feeling a lit up inside just reading about this turnaround.

  8.  #8Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 10:42 am


  9.  #9Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 10:53 am


    Your posts over the months I’ve seen you have just got more and more positive, and inspiring.

    I feel so happy for what is in store for you 🙂

  10.  #10Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 10:54 am


    I hope you are still being yourself and letting that shine through, no matter what “work” you are doing.

    I believe with everything in me that the men who are right for us will be drawn to who we really are.


  11.  #11Dominique on January 13, 2014 at 10:59 am

    BlueRedLove – 3 – Sometimes it’s simply timing. One thing you might want to try observing within yourself is your receptivity to love, your openness. Maybe there are some subtle or not so subtle fears still getting in your way. Just a thought, a suggestion, a possibility.


  12.  #12Dominique on January 13, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Lisa – 2 – This feel beautiful to read. You are staying open to possibility, and this is so wonderful. It seems as though you are reaping great rewards from this. YAY YOU!!!


  13.  #13kyla on January 13, 2014 at 11:20 am

    I feel weird and confused. Bear text me this morning and then an hour later I got a text with one of my profile photos saying “yeah it was the best date of my life Friday!! Do you know her?” Followed by an apology that he meant to send that to someone else. Mmm I feel flattered and icky at the same time.. I don’t know why but felt disappointing to see that even though it was positive. I just responded “oops” and put my phone away.

    Out with DrWho tonight so feeling excited about that and curious about what he’s doing. He’s busy to the point of difficult but such a gent and so warm when we’re together.

  14.  #14Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 11:23 am

    On another note, B and I met through a mutual female friend who has become an insecure, unpleasant mess since he and I got together – sending messages about feeling left out, feeling like a third wheel, feeling “ganged up on”, essentially asking us to choose between our friendship with her and our relationship… apparently unable to abide the sight of us happy together.

    We are both at a loss, and I am, in Feminine Woman’s words, “allergic to drama. This is not new behavior for her, and I feel I need to let this friendship go. We talked in a previous thread about women not being happy for other women’s relationships, and I just find it incredibly sad (not for myself – B said he was asked by this girl to choose and he said she came up short in that deal), but for her. I feel sad that people cause themselves so much misery and pain.

  15.  #15Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Kyla I wouldn’t have responded. I am creating all kinds of stories in my head about that snafu.

  16.  #16Aurora on January 13, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Thank you for this post. I too needed to read something inspiring.

    This fellow, I called him LG, that I posted about just Saturday, who invited me for coffee only a week ago, who invited me to drop into his garage to see a truck he was working on, who kissed me thank you Saturday for the coffee I brought us and Thank you good bye Saturday……only two days ago

    ….texted me just last night and said thank you for the coffee again, that he thought I was a solid woman……

    ….and that he started dating someone, didn’t know where it was going to go, and thought I should know.

    ok. What a turn around.

    I just texted back “thanks LG, Take care” to which he responded “thanks, u too”.

    Funny, when I left the garage I told myself I felt 50/50 about him, didn’t like the swearing, or the hyped energy, but wanted to remain open and curious.

    I think he did me a favour with this text…….I didn’t have to tell him I was luke warm and I see now that he was playing things out and not interested whole heartedly in me at all.

    I did have a sense that because he was on match.com that it was likely he was checking out others as well……maybe that helped me keep my heart and ideas in check so there’s no real loss felt, no real fall.

    But I am disappointed, I can’t help it. I feel disappointed.

    It took everything I have not to close my profiles on two sites. THough I am not renew them in the future.

    I so want to believe love is possible. That I can have the relationship I want. I want to believe Pamelas story can be my story too.

    I can relate to your comments BlueREdLOve…. some days it feels out of reach 🙁


  17.  #17Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Indigo seeing it is a woman, I can’t help though but wonder if you can see things through her eyes. She might be scared of intimacy herself and seeing you playing it out in front of her might have sent her into flight or fight stress mode. I am wondering if you can let her sit with her feelings and just let her know you will be there for her if and when she comes out of her tailspin and drama but for now you don’t want to be sucked into any drama?

  18.  #18Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Aurora I have to admit I didn’t like the idea of you going over and bringing him coffee while he was working in his garage. I wonder if it is a message that this man want to treat his goddess not get served by her. Remember some men feel okay sleeping with and kissing their friends.

  19.  #19Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Hi Feminine Woman,

    Thanks for the kind words. That is how I am trying to play it. Trying to be kind, yet keep my distance and not get sucked into any drama. Unfortunately I have to say it made me feel angry and annoyed to be accused of being so unsupportive for the simple act of two people meeting and liking each other, to have a storm created in a teacup, whose aim was so obviously to bring the focus back onto herself.

    *Sigh.* I promised I wouldn’t let this get to me.

  20.  #20Aurora on January 13, 2014 at 11:38 am

    He invited me to come see what he was doing and asked that I bring him a coffee. Should I have said “no”?

  21.  #21Aurora on January 13, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Maybe I really don’t know how to act like a goddess after all……too much in giving mode all the time, can’t receive. Not sure how to deflect from giving, not sure how to keep it in balance like the waterwheel Rori talks about……I come from a long line of women who worked their fingers to the bone


  22.  #22kyla on January 13, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Me too FW and yet I’m trying to stay out of my head and making up stories as general practice. Oh well. Will see what happens. I feel dampened.

  23.  #23Rori Raye on January 13, 2014 at 11:49 am

    jameella, Welcome – and let me be clear for you. What I meant by the blow job rule is when he asks you to do one, and you haven’t had sex together, or he hasn’t “taken care of you.” In THIS situation – YOU are the one not “going all the way” – and YOU said OKAY to him pleasuring you. NOW you are having SEX. He just “made love” to you. I would NEVER use the word “service” for a man pleasuring me. And I don’t care why he did it – whether he “thought” he was “servicing” and was expecting you to “service” back or not. You are now in the act of sex, where you are required to participate unless you’ve agreed otherwise – or are long together and have a rhythm established for sex activities. Not because you “need to take care of him” – but because you are having mutually agreed upon sex. It’s not a “you do this for me and I’ll do this for you…” – you are having participatory sex – and if you DON’T participate fully within the limits you’ve established (no intercourse) – you have absolutely NO right to ask for any kind of sexual exclusivity. That’s MY take on this.

    About the blow jobs and hand jobs. I encourage you to “get over” your ideas about this, and get Michael Webb’s book or others and learn how to do it well and with relish. If I were a man, and a woman said she found blow jobs distasteful and wouldn’t WANT to give me a hand job once I’d assumed we were having sex – I’d certainly speak up about it – and if I were the kind of man (most) who CAN’T speak up about things like that – I’d just dump her. I’d assume she didn’t like sex, or didn’t like me very much. Love, Rori

  24.  #24Carrie on January 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Aurora (21), I totally know how you feel!!! This is where my work is too, trying to be more comfortable in feminine receiving mode. It doesn’t come natural to me either! I just read this about giving, maybe it will help you too:



  25.  #25Carrie on January 13, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Lisa (2), yay I loved reading this!!!!! : )


  26.  #26BlueRedLove on January 13, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    FW – thanks for the hugs. I definitely need them today.

    Indigo – “Those that don’t got it can’t show it. Those that got it can’t hide it.” – Zora Neale Hurston.

    I couldn’t hide who I was if I tried. I’m a bright light with a big personality. I couldn’t pretend to be anything but me.

    Dominique – I think you are right. It’s about timing and readiness. I have decided that 2014 is my time. I can’t wait to see what the year brings.

  27.  #27Liquid Light on January 13, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Kyla, that sounds very flattering to me – “best date of my life” WOW!!! I would just try to focus on that. I don’t think its that weird for him to be asking about you…he’s trying to find out if you are for real or not. If I had a great date like that, I want to know as much as i could about the person too. For what thats worth.

  28.  #28Liquid Light on January 13, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Indigo, I would just ignore her and that BS. Also, she doesn’t sound like she’s much of a friend. Just my 2 cents.

  29.  #29LoveAlways on January 13, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Wow! This feels absolutely beautiful to read!

  30.  #30LoveAlways on January 13, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    “Men who were not close to my wish list, I did not waste too much time with. I felt more powerful in my own attraction and values than ever.”

    Love Love Love this quote by Pamela!

  31.  #31LoveAlways on January 13, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    I feel so inspired by this letter Pamela wrote to Rori! Brava!

  32.  #32kyla on January 13, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Indigo your friend is giving off major red flags! I would stay with my feelings and using I feel – I don’t want – statements.

  33.  #33kyla on January 13, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Liquid Light thank you!! When I first reda it I felt amused but then suddenly it was like I was transported 20 years back in time to a bad feeling place.

    You know what? It turns out his friend does know me! He’s one of my clients lol

  34.  #34kyla on January 13, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    I already knew he was telling friends and family about me and it feels better to take everything at face value and just remain aware than dive into stories.

    Oh and LL I want to respond to your question about tweaking my online profile but will try to do it tomorrow when I have more time.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Aurora at the stage that the connection/relationship was, I would have questioned myself if I were you. He could have been testing you to see how easy you are. I dunno, it just didn’t feel good to me reading your going over there.

  36.  #36Turquoise on January 13, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I hope everyone had a great weekend. This article makes me believe in fate….. so romantic.

    Rori, your post number 23….lol, I’ve never read anything you’ve written about handjobs or blow jobs before. Wow! I’m glad I enjoy it. Reading your point of view on what it would feel like to be a man and hear that…. was a good eye opener!

    It makes me feel powerful to turn a man on. I enjoy seeing, feeling and hearing his enjoyment, and it’s always mutual. 🙂

    Now I want some sex…… this no sex thing is not easy! But I am clear headed. Need to find the balance.

  37.  #37Turquoise on January 13, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    #30, love always…. ME TOO! I hear from so many men online who aren’t want I’m looking for, that I was contemplating making a list of what would make me happy, but I always wonder if I’d be missing out on something great because I have a preconceived list. So, I haven’t done that. Hmmm. What do you think?

  38.  #38Turquoise on January 13, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Aurora…… please don’t be so hard on yourself. You said it felt 50/50, he probably sensed that too…. and that’s OK, that’s why we date! To meet new people and see how it goes! 🙂 Don’t worry about taking him coffee. You taking coffee to a man wouldn’t push away someone who was very interested in you. You just brought coffee, not like you ground the beans and labored over it.

    What I’ve noticed about myself though, when I used to lean forward and bring something, sometimes I felt guilty or like I shouldn’t… because it was leaning forward and broke the “rules” so then my attitude was slightly off. When I’ve felt good about taking something or making something…. the results are much better.

    Mr. Conversation loves when he comes over and I make snacks. OMG, he tells his exwife about it, tells me he loves my food, ranch dip from a packet, couldn’t be easier….. he calls turquoise dip. I’m not slaving over anything, I mixing sour cream and a packet of seasoning together and he loves it. He loves feeling cared for. Now, can you go overboard and mask a little care and attention as mothering? Absolutely. It’s just about the balance. My point is, keeping it simple, I don’t think you can go wrong as long as you still feel good about it, and that it’s reciprocal. He does a lot of nice things for me… we found a balance.

    Hang in there! don’t give up!

  39.  #39Liquid Light on January 13, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    OK, thanks Kyla!!!!! 🙂

  40.  #40redbutterfly on January 13, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Loved Rori’s reply about the blowjob! I giggled a little!

  41.  #41Cris on January 13, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    congratulations Pamela for your journey (out and in) and your new husband!

  42.  #42Aurora on January 13, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    I felt relieved reading what you wrote…..I was earlier feeling ashamed and small……like I fell into a trap or something or failed the test……..not because he was a great match for me, but because I feel like I let myself down……..sliding into giving mode……

    so I feel relieved and thankful for your words….

    yes it did feel 50-50 and maybe I wanted to spend time with him to test him too……bringing coffee was the side bar……when he started to swear, went into helping him, I started to feel like a friend. I just needed to know. And now I know. It was worth leaning forward and I’m glad he at least texted with where he’s at.

    I want to keep moving forward.


  43.  #43Cupcake on January 13, 2014 at 2:48 pm


    I have a dinner date tonight, first date with LawyerCD. We spoke on the phone yesterday and he seemed interesting, intelligent and fun.

    He’s picking me up at 7 for dinner, and he mentioned going to hear music afterwards. I’m expecting to have a pretty good time on this date, and yet…that seems like an awfully long first date to me.

    I have an early phone call scheduled for tomorrow with someone I’m doing a project for, so I have an “out” when he mentions the music. I don’t want to sound unenthusiastic though, either.

    What would you guys do/say? How long do you usually keep first dates?

  44.  #44Kyla on January 13, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Aurora – I’m just checking in before my date – I thought when he asked you to bring him coffee that it was a simple request and you had the choice to say no or yes.. you were “following his lead” and “choosing in the moment”, that’s what being the girl is all about! You were not mothering, overfunctioning or leaning forward IMO. Please don’t beat yourself up, you did great!!

  45.  #45Kyla on January 13, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Cupcake – one of the sirens gave a great speech for you on the last thread, it was so brilliant and I’d definitely go with that! Hope you have an awesome night xx

  46.  #46Kyla on January 13, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Also I’ve had some long first dates if it felt good to me to stay, Rori recommends keeping them to short 30 minute coffee/walks so its whatever feels good to you sweetie!

  47.  #47Aurora on January 13, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    yes…it was his lead…and I thought it was no big deal…..I actually joked and said “is this like admission to get to see your truck?” and he joked back…” kinda ha ha”…..in fun. I didn’t go right over…I said I would finish up at work and then drop in….

    Thank you Kyla for your encouragement……I feel better….more inspired to keep moving forward.

  48.  #48Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I’m listening to Pat Allen’s alpha woman… and I am a alpha woman but I’m not a bitch as in her definition of it…. and if alpha men only want beta women, I’m screwed… cuz beta men won’t work with me…. they feel way way too feminine…

    I need a stronger than me alpha man… that wants an equal… according to her… that sounds impossible… UGGGG


  49.  #49Cupcake on January 13, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    I’m waiting for LawyerCD to pick me up.

    I’m all dressed up and I feel like I look pretty good, especially for someone my age.

    My stomach’s all in knots, though. I don’t feel like the yummy pie. I am half expecting he’ll stand me up, although he sent me a little emoticon text a couple hours ago- a smiley face. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what to make of it. Now I feel sort of like I should have responded.

    Mostly, though, I just feel scared. The other CDs I’ve been on here in New City have been with guys who weren’t attractive or that interesting. This is the first date with a guy who seems to be a class act, and I feel scared. Like he’s a grownup, and I’m not sure I am. I don’t know how to explain.

    I’m just writing this because I want to remember that I feel this insecure so I can think about it later and try to feel my way out of it.

    Please send me good vibes. Although he’s 3 minutes late, so maybe hes not coming….

    I feel like I’m marching off to a battle with bad odds, not going out to dinner in one of the gastronomic capitals of the world. What the heck is wrong with me?

    Cupcake (with heart in throat)

  50.  #50Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    I don’t think my e-mails that go to moderation ( for what I don’t know) ever get posted…

    anyways… I’m feeling sad tonight… about being confused …. about having to either be cherished or respected.. and why women have to chose between the two and alpha women wanting both… and that sets them apart from getting men since 10% of the male population is alpha…

    I don’t understand why it’s cherished or respected… ????

    I’m feeling sad… that there isn’t a alpha male out there… I’m not over bearing, I’m not a b*7tch I’m a alpha women that has done her work and can respect a man, let him lead and still have a mind and intellect, with a big heart… what gives…

    Oh dear!


  51.  #51LoveAlways on January 13, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Turquoise –

    I like what you said about how having the list makes you feels. I tried the list and it did not work for me either. It was then that I realized the importance of face to face with a man – to let my feelings and intuition flow and feel how he makes me feel. You can FEEL you don’t wants, and then that gets even deeper and you can feel from a man’s conversation how he makes you feel. Not sure if I’m conveying it properly, but I know the way Pamela put it really hit the situation on the head for me. Making the list did make it feel mechanical for me. A few short phone conversations and a first and possible second date are sometimes enough to see how a man makes me feel. It feels like I’m giving a fair chance to those that make me feel interested.

  52.  #52LoveAlways on January 13, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Turquoise –

    I was thinking of my wish list for me too! That seems more important these days, and helps me determine how I feel about a guy trying to date me. Simply put, the me list is the things I enjoy doing and will not stop doing because of a man or a relationship. Can a man jive with that, how does he make me feel about not wanting to be available on the weekend because I’m getting my hair, nails & massage done one day and meeting a friend the next. It does not feel good to break my me list because of a guy.

  53.  #53Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    it came to me tonight that my heart in open in the beginning, it draws them in… and as soon as something happens that subconsciously triggers me, I might not even be aware of it… then I think I shut that down… and maybe, just maybe the men pick up on that? Maybe I don’t allow them to have an emotional connection… maybe that scares the life out of me to do that…

    I was afraid of rejecting “D” I don’t want to hurt men, if I’m not having the feelings for them… and so maybe I just shut down in fear of having to reject them…

    or maybe as with “D” and last sept “R” they both were so taken with me by saying how beautiful I am… and then maybe they realize that its just that my looks and they don’t have an emotional connection with me..?? Well with “R” I didn’t want to have an emotional connection with him…

    with “D” it was there and then it wasn’t… not sure yet… but so many of you women say that – you can have your heart wide open and still be able to “let them go” in a loving way…

    am I being too soft by not wanting to hurt them? or am I just protecting myself from hurt…

    am I afraid to let them in?

    I wish I knew….

    I’m crying!!!!


  54.  #54Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    how do I stop being guarded?

    I’m attracting men that are guarded… b/c I’m guarded

    how do I let myself love again? how do I allow myself to be vulnerable and open to more than just letting them in the door…

    I don’t want to be hurt…. again…

    my heart was so broken after “M” …. and now I’m so afraid to let another man in again…


  55.  #55Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Ok now I feel better I listened to all of pat’s pod and she says ( which is what I am doing) is an alpha woman can get an alpha man, if she is respectful, and lets him lead, make decisions and etc..

    OK I am, and I do… and I’m very feminine even though, yes, I’m an alpha woman… I still do respect men…

    and I need to work on being vulnerable… still and open even though I might have to reject a man…

    hummm practice the tools more ….


  56.  #56Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    I agree don’t break my ME list for a guy! totally!!!

  57.  #57Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    kyla and Liquid Light,

    Thank you very much for the advice and the support 🙂

  58.  #58Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 8:14 pm


    I think big personalities are wonderful, and some man is going to meet you and be mesmerized by you 😉

  59.  #59Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 8:25 pm


    About bringing the guy coffee: It’s all experimentation and there are no mistakes, nothing to “fail” as it were. It’s all practice, and I believe being kind to ourselves may be the most important lesson of all.

  60.  #60Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 8:26 pm


    FW left a great speech for you on the previous thread…

    How did your date go?

  61.  #61Jen on January 13, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Hi! I love this success story– sooo encouraging to know that the tools work. And of course to hear of someone falling in love with an incredible guy. Yay!

    However, I’ve been reading this blog for a while and I have a question. I read “Have The Relationship You Want” and loved it — and would love to have a relationship to try all the techniques out on! 🙂 My question/problem relates to understanding the “Circular Dating” concept. I love the idea of being grounded in feminine energy, leaning back and practicing on lots of different guys who come my way. Throughout my work day, this is no problem! I work around lots of great guys and enjoy laughing, “flirting” (just playfulness, nothing that would be sleazy or gratuitous), and knowing them. I always have! I love guys and I am lucky to count several as close friends (and as they’ve settled into their own relationships, am lucky to have made friends with their girlfriends & wives). But as someone who really wants to find a wonderful, awesome guy, where I struggle is dating itself! I am 35, have a great job, have long dark blonde hair, blue eyes, am not overweight (I work out – yoga, ballet, walking, dance), love cooking, hiking, skiing, needlepoint, reading, dancing, movies, etc. I’m a fun-loving, nice girl. 🙂 I’ve tried using dating sites (and now, Tinder, which is GREAT for getting TONS of male attention!!) as well as a dating service (It’s Just Lunch, which I hated) and I find myself really shutting down on dates because I feel kind of grossed out by the guys I meet. Or just NOT attracted to them AT ALL. Either they’ll have lied about their height (at 5’9″ it’s easy for me to tell if they’re actually 3 inches shorter than me in person), boring as paint, or have some bizarre/quirky habit/hygeniene issue I can’t deal with (I’ve gone out with a guy who kept all his fingernails super long, another who was way older than he claimed and tried to read my palm and tell me I was going to have babies). I end up feeling ICKY around these guys and kind of clammy and gross. However, I know from the “Have the Relationship” book that feeling ICKY is a cue that things aren’t RIGHT! “Circular Dating” sounds like an awesome idea if there were 5 or 6 amazing, attractive guys calling me up wanting to spend time with me … instead I have NO guys wanting to spend time with me because the only ones who DO are guys that I have no attraction to WHATSOEVER! Isn’t it counterproductive to go out with guys and feel icky and all tight in my chest? I don’t feel energized or sexy or good about being a woman, I just feel sort of afraid or repulsed or bored or a variety of not-so-great emotions depending on the guy. Is it defeating the purpose of Circular Dating to have to go on so many awful dates? I keep trying to screen more and more but I had two dates on Saturday, the first of whom lied about his height and the second I immediately thought was gay, then he proceeded to argue with me about everything. All that ends up happening is I feel like I start to shut down inside and panic because I think “this is it, there are no guys left who are attractive and normal.” Any insight/advice on this would be GREATLY appreciated! I know I need to be “putting myself out there” but between online dating and the horrible dating service, I don’t know how else to be meeting men (other than going out to bars, which at 35 doesn’t seem like the best way anymore). Thank you!!!!!!

  62.  #62Indigo on January 13, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    I’m excited for my date tonight. I feel all warm and melting and gooey, I loved the way he held me the other night. It felt like relief and safety.

  63.  #63Cupcake on January 13, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    I’m back from my date with LawyerCD.

    It was okay, I guess. He’s reasonably attractive and I think he was really nervous to meet me. He brought me a box of Valentine chocolates when he picked me up.

    I kept unzippering my heart and then realizing it was zippered up again. Unzippering it, and unzippering it.

    We went to an amazing restaurant, one of the nicest restaurants in town, and the food was fabulous. But I felt a little controlled because instead of just letting me order what I wanted, he wanted to share things, so it all became a negotiation.

    I don’t eat gluten and don’t like shellfish. I voiced both of those things. He ordered the breaded oysters for us to share as an appetizer. So I just didn’t eat them, but I sat there thinking, “Was I not clear? Or is he just really nervous and didn’t realize what he was ordering, after I said that didn’t really appeal to me? Or what the heck just happened here?”

    And then when we got the main meals, it was better because we didn’t have to share, and conversation seemed to be flowing easier. And then he says, “So according to the dating site, you are way way kinkier than most women.”

    And that zipper on my heart whooshed back up to the top of my chin, and if it was a parka, the snap-button on the collar got snapped too. I just sat there, literally dumbfounded. And he went ON talking about how interesting he found it that I’m so kinky, according to the website, because I’d described myself to him as “old-fashioned” when I said I don’t call guys.

    After a minute he realized I was just staring at him open-mouthed. He said, “Is something wrong?”

    I said, “Wow. I feel really uncomfortable that this topic has come up. REALLY uncomfortable.”

    He said, “Oh.” He stared into space for a minute, and then he said, “Of course, just because the website describes you as kinky doesn’t mean you ARE kinky. Those algorithms can be skewed.”

    I said, “I feel REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE right now.”

    And thankfully the waiter came with the check. And then he wanted to go hear music, so we went for a little bit. I ended up going into the bathroom to cry. And then I came out and said, “It feels like time to go home now.”

    And I don’t know if it was just an awkward date, or I just shut down, like Lisa was describing in her posts earlier tonight. It’s not okay with me, on a first date, for a guy to start talking about my sexual tastes as if he has an inside scoop. It’s not okay with me for a guy to talk about sex on a first date, period. It just felt so weird. He’s opening doors for me, pulling out chairs, and then telling me he’s read that I’m “kinky.”

    I sat there watching the band play thinking, I”m going home and just taking my profile OFF the dating site. I don’t want these men thinking they know this stuff about me.

    And I don’t know– and am asking for feedback here- if I’m shutting down or what he said was as inappropriate as it felt. Nobody else has ever brought that up over dinner, of all the guys I’ve gone out with on that site, who presumably saw the same information.

    I’m seriously thinking of becoming a nun right now.

  64.  #64Veronica on January 13, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Before I met BM I wrote a short list of what qualities I would like in my dream man. Then I put the list away and a couple of years later I met BM who pretty much fitted what I wrote down. Writing the list was good for focusing my energy. I think I should write another list : )

  65.  #65Lisa on January 13, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    @ Cupcake If you felt it was inappropriate than it was!!! Follow that! “D” knew he messed up… and he was afraid he’d messed up permanently so he kept apologizing…he noticed my change and I told him, your comment set me way back, it put me off…

    They test us just like in the last post I think it was or maybe the one before that.. they know what they are doing… I’m proud of you for doing what you did!! You Go Girl!

    ok on my own personal growth tonight

    Pat Allen put it simply: selfless women are mama’s and masculine

    Self centered men are feminine..

    OK so now I know!!! I’ve been attracting feminine men! That are self centered…. and I’ve been self-less so I’ve been masculine..

    So how to be self centered more…. around men and not so self centered around my children…

    Got it!!

    but giving too much and stretching myself too thin is coming off as masculine… that is what “S” was.. feminine.. and it turned me OFF… he wanted to be the beta and be the homemaker… he wanted me to make the decisions… I didn’t fall for it…. he also wanted me to do most of the work in bed… too feminine for me…though the sex was good! very good! I’m not wanting a man to be a homemaker… and I’m not looking to be masculine…

    I want what Pat Allen calls a “God” one that she says goes down on a woman without expecting a blow…j9b… “M” expected a bj… and
    “S” kind of did too…

    So bring me a “God”… I’m ready for it… a true masculine man that is selfless… I want to experience that selfless man that gives, competes and conquers…

    Yay for me lots of healing in one night! Nice work!!! I’m proud of me!


  66.  #66Femininewoman on January 13, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Cupcake I would listen to his message and look at my profile to see what could have sent that message to him and tweak it. Remember it is your profile that first attracts the men on the website. You want it to attract quality men so I would listen to what he said.

  67.  #67Helena Hart on January 13, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Lisa – 63 – I love this!! It reminded me of my own journey – when I was more “self-less” and deep into overfunctioning, I attracted feminine-energy men as well. Ever since I started using Rori’s tools I’ve attracted VERY masculine-energy men – EXTREME givers!

    In my own experience, I’ve noticed that the more of a “giver” a man is, the more sensitive he is to the “energy exchange.” I’ve noticed that any sort of forward-leaning movement on my part would cause them to step back and “turn off” in a way. It really showed me how much masculine-energy men are just looking for a woman who’s able to RECEIVE what they have to give! Once I got it into my system that all they wanted was to make me happy, it became easier and more natural for me to get out of “giving” mode and get into my feminine energy.

    Love, Helena

  68.  #68Cris on January 14, 2014 at 1:14 am

    If we understand Alpha = dominant and taking decisions and beta = cooperative, I think everybody can be Alpha or Beta depending on the circumstances.
    A cooperative man can be very masculine and can give a LOT, all he wants is harmony and he avoids confrontation, but that doesn’t mean he cannot take decisions and more important, doesn’t mean he cannot take good care of a woman.
    And being open for all kind of characters (Beta, Alpha, Delta! or whatever) can bring us nice surprises.
    In general, I don’t feel comfortable with tags. Tags can help us to classify things and thus to make life less complicated. But tags eliminate a lot of possibilities (I think).

  69.  #69Nermo on January 14, 2014 at 2:40 am

    Dear Rori and Pamela, beautiful story, better than movies 🙂 thanks for sharing!
    I felt joy and hope when i read this story. This wonderful, confident lady’s story is inspirational. The highlight for me is the love she developed for herself and her emphasis on her unique qualities and inner attractiveness. Also, i admire her faith that she would find the man who deserves her and who will see her real worth and would want to spend his life with her.. Once again, thank you for sharing this wonderful story 🙂

  70.  #70Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Lisa – 49 – I feel curious where you got this notion from, that it’s an either or thing, to be cherished or respected.

    What does feeling cherished look like to you? What about respect?

    Can you conceive of both?

    I feel absolutely cherished AND respected in my relationship. I know I’m not alone in this.


    PS – Comments go into moderation over certain words which caused problems in the past, not for content. It’s an automated thing.

  71.  #71Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 5:54 am

    Lisa – 52 – Most everyone has at least some fear of letting someone in, of opening her heart so big to allow this. The deep seated fear of even the possibility of maybe losing this for whatever reason would feel devastating.

    So you build your awareness around your defenses and actively work to release them, little bit by little bit.

    As for hurting men, they are big boys and can take care of their own feelings. I think though that really your fear is feeling hurt yourself. Something to consider, ponder maybe.


  72.  #72Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 5:59 am

    Lisa – this may help



  73.  #73Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 6:08 am

    cupcake – 61 – I’m sorry you felt so uncomfortable. I think I would have to. Yes that was inappropriate. He could just be clueless or nervous as you suggested. Or who knows what.

    You were awesome in that you spoke up clearly and expressed your feelings. YAY!!!

    He may not know what gluten free means by the way.

    How was the rest of the date though? How did he seem to you aside from this? How did he feel?

    Whether you give him another chance is up to you.

    If this was a “bad” date, it doesn’t mean any others from here will also be “bad”. All of this is for learning and growing and practicing. So in this it’s a good thing.

    Love to you.


  74.  #74Andrea on January 14, 2014 at 6:21 am

    Oooohhhh…. Cupcake…. xxoooxxxooo

    It feels so much like shut down. Like “I don’t feel like I’m able or allowed to or maybe even want to say exactly what is in my heart and mind right now as I’m sitting here letting him order food I don’t want and talk about my profile like he knows everything about me.”

    I’m so different on a first date because on a first date I’ve invested nothing at all. So I go into more curious than anything. This is just me… I ask lots of questions. For instance, “You want the breaded shrimp? What is it about that you like? I”m just curious. I would love to try your idea AND some of these steak wrapped asparagus tips. Thank you so much, I feel so excited about those asparagus tips.”

    And… “You got kinkiness from my profile??? I”m so curious, what was it exactly that made you think that? I feel so awkward right now and exposed but I’d like to hear what you thought about my profile as other men I’d possibly date might be thinking the same thing.”

    I get more clammed up the more I know a man and the more I invest in the possibility of a relationship. But first date stuff, for me, is just being open and curious about men in general.. it’s my chance to ask all sorts of questions.

    I just felt nervous and shut down and clammy reading about your experience. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but really there’s nothing that says you can’t give him a call and simply ask him… “Where did you get “Kinky” from my profile? It will really help me to get a man’s perspective. Thank you so much for your help in this area I really appreciate it.”

  75.  #75kyla on January 14, 2014 at 6:41 am

    DrWho hasn’t kissed me yet! Last night was date 4! I feel so good being pampered and treated like a queen all night. He’s such a sloooow mover it makes me feel giddy and turned on. I tensed up and put my hands over my heart at a potentially scary part of the movie last night and he instantly touched my knee, looked deep into my eyes and asked if I was ok and oooooh I melted into a puddle. Kiss me d*mn it! Lol

  76.  #76Lisa on January 14, 2014 at 6:44 am

    @Helena <3 Thanks!!! I'm working on that too! I'm excited to actually experience it…

    @ Dominique <3 thanks!!! I've heard it before do I want to be respected or cherished …. even Rori has said it… and Yes, it is my preference to have both… but I've heard it in a way that is … has to be one more than the other…

    I feel cherished when a man puts my feelings in priority, when he shows me affection, when he attends to my needs, thinks of me, adores me… looks out for my safety… and is there for me…

    I see that they are much in the same…

    I'm working on little by little opening up to men and being less guarded and more vulnerable…

    Thanks for the article!!!

    "D" made it home safe.. called me last night.. and e-mailed me this morning…

    Have a date tonight…

    have another man trying to come in….

    Oh my! I need a clone or a maid to help me circle date and keep everything done here… exhausting dating is….


  77.  #77Andrea on January 14, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Oh… and man…. I would have cried right in front of him. I know it seems like way over exposure, or too much vulnerability, but it really really works.

    I have a cry story that happened to me this weekend. I sometimes do traveling massage, like I’ll go to a clients house with my table and work stuff.

    So on Sunday I drove out to a new clients house. It is the most beautiful house I’ve ever seen. The most expansive property surrounded by a lake on the south side and a river on the east. The landscaping is just incredible, the house is all windows and stone.. I can’t describe. It was breath taking.

    I went to the door with my heart on my sleeve. My client, an older gentleman opened the door and I got this immediate feel of this huge, open house.. I can’t describe it. I just cried. I let the tears flow and didn’t even try to hide them.

    I said, “This is simply the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen.”

    He was so flattered, taken aback, everything. He just went out of his way to be gentle and caring with me, even though I was supposed to me the therapist. He said… no massage today, please let me give you a tour. So we spent the time doing a tour of his whole house. And he just beamed. He was so proud of what he’d done, and so happy to show it off.

    He ended up asking me to please come back the very next day. We finally got to the massage but the experience of just being extremely open with my true emotions really connected us.

    By the end of the second day, he showed me this whole other second wing to his home. It was an unused two bedroom apartment with a beautiful sunny loft and great views of the lake out back. He said, “If you ever need a place for your daughters and yourself to live… If you’re ever in a bind, this is available for you. And I’m not expecting anything, I just want to let you know that you’re always welcome here.”

    Then he comissioned me to come out to his place twice a month for massage.

    I know that wouldn’t have happened if I’d been my actual professional, get down to business, usual self. It was just.. this time… I just felt like… crying… so I cried.

    (I know, totally different subtext, and maybe.. not good advice to openly cry on a first date. : ) But just saying, sometimes when we show our actual true emotions, men respond so surprisingly and with such tenderness and care, that lives can actually change.)

  78.  #78Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Lisa – You’re welcome. I too see cherishing and respect as much the same.

    It could be semantics at work here, but maybe for some respect means in term of business, for example in a corporate, hierarchical kind of way, and not in terms of you as a gorgeous woman creature.

    I think of respect in a relationship as part of deep loving, eg. caring about and honoring my preferences without necessarily squashing his own wants and desires.

    What I have discovered in my marriage is that for the most part our desires flow into each other, my desire becomes his and vice versa. And the ones which don’t are not all that important to either one of us.


  79.  #79Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Andrea – 74 – This is amazing. I love this and feel shivery warm to my heart’s depths reading this.


  80.  #80Indigo on January 14, 2014 at 8:05 am


    I’m a little more like Andrea, in that, on a first date, I have nothing invested, so I don’t worry as much about it all.

    If it were me, when he ordered starters for us to share, I would have laughed sweetly and warmly and looked coyly into his eyes and said “I won’t be doing that” and ordered what I wanted. And if he’d asked I just would have sweetly said again “No…”

    As for the kinky comment, that would have made me super-uncomfortable. Can’t say I would have gotten past this as it would have felt like such an invasion of privacy. But if you feel the tiniest bit open, it might be worth giving him a chance to redeem himself if you tell him specifically how you feel like Andrea suggested.

  81.  #81Cupcake on January 14, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Hi, Sirens-

    There’s nothing in the written part of my profile that suggests I’m kinky. There’s always room to tweak a profile (writing is re-writing!), and yet overall I feel good about what I wrote and I get a lot of positive feedback about it.

    The “kinky” comment is in response to the “This person may be… more loyal, less ambitious, yada yada” analysis done by OKCupid, based on the way you’ve answered the questions.

    If someone’s bothered to read the questions, they’ll see that I don’t expect to have sex until “six dates or more”- the longest option for waiting, and that I would respond negatively to someone sending me naked photos, that there are absolutely no naked photos of my anywhere on the internet, etc.

    But OKCupids SCORES give me a high kinky rating, and I don’t have a problem with that because within the context of an intimate relationship with a trusted partner, I’ll push the boundaries. I do NOT have an arsenal of latex clothing or whips, and I don’t even have any fetishes.

    The only other time anyone ever mentioned the “kinky” score was a guy who emailed me and said, “I’m writing to you because you have a high kinkiness score, but having read your profile, it doesn’t seem like that’s your lifestyle choic or you’ve got a casual attitude about sex. You’re pretty, so I thought I’d give a shout out. Let me know if you’d be interested in playing casually sometime, but I’m guessing that’s not really your thing.”

    And I wrote back, thanks for the invitation and you’re right. And he wrote back, “Cool. Peace.”

    No harm done.

    But it did feel really weird for this guy to just start talking about it over dinner, like it was the score of Saturday’s football game.

    Ordering the food I didn’t like was just weird, and I think maybe he was just nervous.

    As for crying in the bathroom– we were sitting right in front of the band. The saxophone player was looking at me weird when I brushed the first tears from my eyes. So I bolted to the ladie’s.

    Also– and again this could just be nerves- we had talked on the phone the day before and he asked me questions about how I came to New City, etc. But when we were in person, he asked me again, apparently with zero recall of what I’d told him on the phone, and then when the waiter came with something and interrupted us, he didn’t hear the end of what I was saying and never asked me another question about myself.

    Again, maybe he was nervous. If he calls me again, I think I’ll tell him how weird that it felt to me.

    I don’t really care if I see him again.

    The guy I went out with on Friday, who is a good conversationalist but not very attractive- like a shorter, heavier version of The Skipper- he emailed and wants to set up a date for this week. That I am looking forward to. He made me feel very comfortable. (He’s the one who’s been doing online dating for 15 years and lives with his mother.)

    Thanks for all your feedback. I felt really weirded out last night.


  82.  #82Emma on January 14, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Hi ladies. I’m new to this site and learning a lot. I’m posting now so I’ll receive notifications of comments, but I’ll start sharing in the near future!

  83.  #83Femininewoman on January 14, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Cupcake I chalk it up to part of the hazards of Internet dating. I wonder if there is anyway through Rori this could be addressed with the owners of OKCupid? They might be the ones to change their wording about how they label people because this might even be safety risk for some. In any event one would hope that they are continuously updating their site based on lessons learned and experiences of their users.

  84.  #84prplpsn28 on January 14, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Great success story 🙂

  85.  #85Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    @49: Lisa says:
    “I don’t understand why it’s cherished or respected… ????”

    It’s not, for me. No relationship with a man who doesn’t respect me and I wouldn’t suggest anyone else choose a man who doesn’t respect her.

    “I’m feeling sad… that there isn’t a alpha male out there… “

    There are plenty of guys around… no need to “label” them, choose the guy that’s just right for you.

    Alpha/schm-alpha. No need to stereotype men, nor women … There are more than just one or two types of people in the world; there are all sorts of varieties and combinations.

    Title of this blog is: “Have the relationship YOU want…” not a relationship someone else has chosen for you.

    Don’t worry, be happy…


  86.  #86Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    @78: Cupcake

    I showed up “kinky” too on OKCupid. Hahaha. What can I say…


  87.  #87Aurora on January 14, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Carrie 24
    I know this is a day late…I wanted to thank you for the link you posted….it made sense and I felt good reading it too.

  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Is anyone doing in fun, different, romantic things to kick off 2014?

    Today I bought a new “bed in a bag” set: comforter, sheets, shams, bed skirt etc. It’s very bold and colorful, very different than the sets I’ve using.

    The last couple days I’ve been watching [ “revisiting” on DVD] the MAD MEN tv series and I was intrigued by the Rothko painting in the office of one of the characters.

    The comforter I bought has those kinds of colors. It’s reversible and the flowered side is really wild!!! so I think I’ll start with the striped side first. Maybe paint a “faux” [as inspired by] Rothko painting. Maybe… 😀


  89.  #89Aurora on January 14, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    81 SLV!!!
    It has been a while since I”ve been here at the same time as you have…….glad to see your post!

    Thanks for these words above;
    “Title of this blog is: “Have the relationship YOU want…” not a relationship someone else has chosen for you.”

    Have the relationship I want,
    … not take the relationship a guy has to offer and settle
    ….not try to figure out what he wants and accommodate
    …not have the relationship he wants…so I don’t have to be alone…

    it’s like I have to get clearer and clearer about what I want…..and it’s ok to want what I want…..

    wow…..I’m getting it!


  90.  #90Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    @85: Aurora says:
    81 SLV!!!

    Hey! I’m watching YouTube videos (Health&Beauty and DIY) — seeing Rori’s ads come up. Fun.


  91.  #91Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Oops, 😳 I’m in moderation. Wondering what I said… nothing bad I think… I’m curious was it “youtube video?” “health?” hmmm


  92.  #92Shannon on January 14, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Need to read more, but…

    Aurora, I don’t think you did anything wrong bringing coffee. I mean, let’s pretend for a second that you “made a mistake” by doing so (which I think is bunkum, he asked you to, and we’re to follow, not lead)…

    So what? One mistake and the guy goes away? What real value does he even have then? What a rotten cob he would be to run away because he asked for coffee and *GASP OMG* you brought him some. EH? WT…?? Pfft, I say. Pfft! That would be nothing but an excuse. One “mistake” IF it was one (which I dispute to begin with), and he skedaddles? That sounds like an excuse to me. He’d have done it if you hadn’t brought coffee. Probably too powerful a woman for him.

    Cupcake… I would have been EXTREMELY offended by the “kinky” commentary. EXTREMELY. Did he do something wrong? Well, not really. He was just being himself. He wanted oysters so he got oysters. He wanted to be a putz and talk about kinky.

    So he was just himself. The question for you isn’t whether he did right or wrong. The question for you is… is HIMSELF what you want? Can you get past it? Is it WRONG if you can’t get past it?

    Personally, I don’t think it’s wrong if you can’t get past it. I wouldn’t get past it. In fact, I’m about to write an email saying “no thank you” to the CD who asked me to turn around and show him my arse so he could make sure it measured up to his desires. Urk. Joke or no joke, it felt just horrid.

    So… rather than right or wrong–it wasn’t WRONG–I would ask whether or not he’s up to your standards. Is he, or isn’t he?

    He’s probably just right for someone else’s standards! He wouldn’t be up to mine. Is he up to yours?

    YOU get to decide, based on YOUR standards. If someone else would be fine with that, more power to her. It wasn’t HER date, it was YOURS.

  93.  #93Shannon on January 14, 2014 at 5:48 pm


    my response to that would probably be a trigger. I don’t like to feel gossiped about. Good, bad, or indifferent. It feels bad to me when people talk about me behind my back. That’s something that I probably need to face up to at some point, lol.

    Just saying, maybe sorting out what felt icky about it will allow you to sink more into the feeling and let it run its course through you.


    Your friend made her choice to place an ultimatum on your guy. Her life, her right, her choice. No matter what else, just the fact that she MADE the ultimatum to begin with probably spelled death for her friendship with your guy, regardless. Ultimatums are ick.

    That wasn’t your choice and you didn’t have anything to do with it. You’re not responsible for it, or for her feelings as a result of it.

    Thank her for hooking you guys up and move on. She’ll straighten up or drift out of your lives. Maybe her only purpose in your lives was to introduce you (I know Rori doesn’t believe in fate).

  94.  #94LoveAlways on January 14, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    Okay Sirens, look at this link and tell me if it feels like an example of feminine energy or masculine energy . .

    (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = “//connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1”; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, ‘script’, ‘facebook-jssdk’));
    Post by My Fav Colours And ImAgEs.

    I say masculine

  95.  #95LoveAlways on January 14, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    opps. went into moderation 🙁

  96.  #96Dominique on January 14, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    SLV!!!! – I was just thinking about you today. I’ve missed you. And here you are. 🙂

    Love to you.


  97.  #97Lisa on January 14, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    @Lovealways #94 it seems to be a broken link… can you re-post it?

    I’ve had several things go into moderation, and not ever come out… uggg

    Ok having a sad night… just got back from my date with MR… we have things in common.. actually seemingly a lot, but for some reason, he seemed very…. not cold so much as just not reachable… ok guarded… might be better word. Of course I’m not surprised from a man that texts like he does… but he did respond to my I feel messages….

    I think my problem is that subconsciously each time I meet a new man I have some tiny hope that he will be a man I can settle in with… have a deep connection with and have actual intimacy with.. since up til now… it has been with men that cannot have intimacy… except at a very shallow level…

    and I feel sad… like crying… I feel like it ain’t gonna happen for me… anytime soon… and I feel like a dog wagging it’s tail waiting on its owner to come home eagerly, excited and he never comes home…

    “D” called tonight… that’s nice to have that attention he is 16 hrs away… that feels sad… nothing can happen there… “G” is asking me out… I feel he is too much older than I .. but I’ll keep him in my c’ding circle.. as I guess with “MR” but I really feel “MR” wants sex soon after he starts dating someone…

    Funny how my intuition about men is usually spot on… even though I put it aside and wait to see…but always is right…

    I want to cry and go to sleep….

    some people want a million…. I just want One man! and it feels like it is harder than winning the lottery…


  98.  #98Luzydel on January 14, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    This is not just RR’s advise but also the saying that things come to you when you start living your life and doing things you love. this is one reason I stopped Cding undesirable men.

    I rather go on trips on my own if I am single; and being open nice and inviting than to go on a date with a man I have no passion or desire to be with. I have met better men when out and about, Not as many as online, but better quality. and If I don’t meet a man I am happy because I had a good time instead of staying at home waiting for an “undesirable man” to contact me…

    I am a strong believer that a person is ready to be with someone else when they are comfortable on their own…

  99.  #99LoveAlways on January 14, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Hi Lisa

    Click the word “post”
    I’ll try to put it in the next post also

  100.  #100Liquid Light on January 14, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    @Andrea Wow, that is such a cool story! That man sounds awesome, would you consider dating him? If not and he is too old, find out if he has any single friends because chances are they are like him, wealthy! Cultivate the friendship, get invited to his parties, ask him what types of events that are happening that are interesting, etc. etc. If you are around a high quality man like that, you will meet others that are similar because we tend to hang out with people that are like us. You met him for a reason, Andrea, just believe in yourself that you are worthy of a man with his means and class (sounds very classy the way he treated you) and you can have it all! It sounds so exciting!!!!

  101.  #101LoveAlways on January 14, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    The image is the cover photo for this facebook page:


  102.  #102Liquid Light on January 14, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    Jen and Luzdel, I second your thoughts absolutely. I’ve decided that I will not waste my time on dating someone that I’m not excited by (wimpy, no ambition, no class etc.) I just won’t do it. I find it to be really depressing. So I made a decision that in 2014 I will only date worthy men. To me that means a man who accomplished, ambitious, and gentlemanly.

  103.  #103Liquid Light on January 14, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    I just got a greeting from someone on one of the meetup groups I just joined. It was a message about a site focussing on wealthy and successful men and smart successful women…hmmm, has anyone gotten such a message? Weird cuz just when I put it out there that I am taking a stand for only dating successful, ambitious men, I get a link to a dating service that specializes in that. WOW!

  104.  #104Indigo on January 14, 2014 at 8:49 pm


    Thank you so much!

    He and I were just talking about that last night, that perhaps her message or “purpose” for both of us was to introduce us. And we both independently arrived at the conclusion that we have no room for someone who was so jealous and unhappy, and we were happy for her to drift out of our lives.

    I was glad that he arrived at this all on his own, without a single word from me.


  105.  #105Liquid Light on January 14, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Indigo, wow, that’s cool!!!!

  106.  #106cupcake on January 14, 2014 at 9:44 pm


    how was your date you were looking forward to so much?

  107.  #107Tereana on January 14, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    Oh, Cupcake, that does sound like an awkward date!!

    I’ve only had one guy bring up “kink” on the first date – actually before the first date, and it was because HE was kinky. I totally went out with him and we proceeded to have an ongoing relationship of occasional sex until that became unsatisfactory for me. And the ironic part? As kinky as he says he was, he was TOTALLY “vanilla” in bed. And it was a good vanilla. That’s actually what I prefer, both with sex and I’ve cream ; ) it was just funny to me.

    ANYWAY – I think you handled the date perfectly well! No need to second-guess yourself or your profile. Yes, peolke can see things. But the thing is, he’s the one who focused on that. He brought it up, before he knew if that was really you.

    Part of it, I would guess, is that he’s a pushy guy who wants what he wants and isn’t really interested on who you are (as with the food ordering). The other part is just Internet dating. People do go on dates with a sense that they know each other better than they really do because of all that you can see in a profile. It’s an illusion, but it’s one that is easy to believe, maybe especially for a guy, I don’t know. I think it can go both ways.

    Anyway, this is NOT your fault, and no, you do not need to see him again just to “make sure.” You already know he’s not up to your standards. And the great thing about Internet dating is there are so many more men out there : )

    Of course, I’ve been in a site for only two weeks and I’m already pretty done with it. I need a break. Lol

    Hope you have a good date with a nice guy soon! : )

  108.  #108Tereana on January 14, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    I got major, majorly triggered by orchidman today. We were having the usual fun texts when one thing he sent really struck me as highly inappropriate and offensive. (A la your date, cupcake). When I told him I didn’t want to discuss what he was bringing up, which was very sexual, he called me “shy.” I am NOT shy. I simply did not feel comfortable with the level of focus on my sexuality, especially since HE is the one who dumped me when we were dating. And it wasn’t nice, either. I was a mess.

    Not only that, he KNOWS that I have sensitivities around this area. This is very different from being shy. And it made me mad that that was his interpretation, when really what I was was angry.

    I sent him a few messages, stating how I felt and that that had crossed a line for me that I wasn’t comfortable with. But I haven’t been able to look at his texts since.

    What IS true is that I do have a lot of residual shame attached to sex. And this gets activated when someone touches me the wrong way, or gets too sexual with me too fast. (also kind of like your man, Cupcake.) and he’s done this before, so it’s like a double trigger.

    I felt really awful for the rest of the day. I felt like I’d been beaten up, and/or hit by a truck. But it was nice to contact a friend to meet for dinner. We had a great chat, and then I went home and took care of me. I actually had a nice evening. I just need a break from OM, I guess. So I’m taking one. And maybe tomorrow, if I get some sleep, I will attend to it. He just isn’t very good at gauging emotions or observing my boundaries 🙁 and we are supposed to be “friends.” But of course, he’s a man. Of course it got sexual. But I’m making it my job to be gentle with myself right now and not blame myself at all. It really wasn’t my fault. Heads his choices, and it affected me this way, that’s all.

  109.  #109Emerson on January 14, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    I never do something that I don’t feel comfortable with. Sometimes I feel ok him going down on me but not ready for giving a bj and most men understand.
    Bottom line is it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it is about you being true to yourself and not forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to. We are all different.

  110.  #110Emerson on January 14, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    Hi slv!!

  111.  #111Emerson on January 14, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    One of my new CDs keeps asking me to come over to his house. I already said I don’t want to go to his house. I feel like ignoring his message but I am trying to practice feeling messages …
    Suggestions ladies?

  112.  #112Helena Hart on January 14, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Emma – 82 – Glad you’ve been learning a lot, looking forward to hearing what you share! 🙂

    Emerson – 111 – I used to get this a lot, here are a couple feeling messages around this that worked well for me…

    “It would feel great to go out with you, and I’d feel more comfortable staying close to home (or, in my area) right now…”

    “It would feel great to see you, and I’d feel more comfortable if we got to know each other a little more before going to your house…”

    “I’d love to see you, and I don’t feel up for driving…” (Slightly different situation but that one always seemed to work really well.)

    Hope those were helpful!

    Love, Helena

  113.  #113Emerson on January 14, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    Thanks Helena that’s very helpful!

  114.  #114Helena Hart on January 14, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    You’re welcome!! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  115.  #115Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 3:58 am

    10 years ago, I met and loved a man. He was the love of my life. He had stars in his eyes when he looked at me. He was incredible.

    But then he died. The stars went out of his eyes as they clouded over and he couldn’t see me anymore. I clung to his carcass, trying everything I could think of to resuscitate him. I held on, refusing to give up, no matter what.

    I woke up last night. I realized that the man I loved had been dead for 8 long years.

    I don’t think I can stand to sit down tonight and eat dinner across from a stranger that looks and sounds exactly like that man I loved… but who has been gone for so very, very long.

    I am locked in so much grief for what was lost and how stupid and blind I was for so very long. The man I loved would have never done these things. Ever. I don’t know this man. He’s a cruel stranger, and I can hardly bear to look at him and be reminded of what I once loved and lost–the man he was, and isn’t.

    I cried so much last night as my denial finally lifted and I realized that I’ve loved a memory, an illusion, for so long.

    But I’ve learned something. I have changed something fundamental in how I will teach my daughter. I will teach her that women should never have fidelity. When the man you love dies, let go. Clinging to a carcass is kind of gross, anyway. And you don’t want to be 42 before you wake up and realize that you’ve wasted 10 precious years of your life.

  116.  #116Kath on January 15, 2014 at 4:10 am

    I made the decision that I could no longer live the way we have been and confessed to him that I’d checked his cell and knew what he’d said to his xwife. I was so hurt and upset that he had lied to me about his behaviour with her. His response?-because I had blown up at him before it was driving him nuts. That was his response!-he then tried to make me say what texts I’d read and then got really really angry. It felt as though I finally had all the info I needed. He tried to twist everything round to it being all my fault. How I was so insecure, how I was just another loon, how I screamed and shouted and had to have a melt down every couple of months. I let him rant-we were in his van at the time. I told him to stop the van when he said “Find somewhere else to live”. He stopped the van, I got out and walked away. I came home to the house we have shared together for the past 6mths and know that I am relieved the truth is finally out there. He said I’d got it all wrong, in fact he said so much stuff which sounded as though he was struggling for what was his truth. In that moment I have lost the love I thought I had but I have gained true strength and strangely, calm as well. I’m done.

  117.  #117Linda on January 15, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Lisa @ 97 you wrote..I think my problem is that subconsciously each time I meet a new man I have some tiny hope that he will be a man I can settle in with… have a deep connection with and have actual intimacy with..

    This is a great revelation. I used to be this way. Every man I had interaction with fell into this rut my brain. Yes I said rut. My goal to meet someone, be “in love” my optomism… whatever you want to call it as forward thinking at it could have been was a great hinderence to my heart and emotional wellbeing.

    I felt always let down, disappointed.. it fed sadness in me … my “hopes” or “expectations” were always dashed. Ahhh “expectations” was the problem.

    I shifted this slowly… mostly by doing more loving things for me… things that truly made me happy and it created a great feeling of contentment…. I decided that I was and was going to be OK! regardless of my relationship status. Then when cding… I simply went seeking to be in the moment with no expectations for anything beyond that moment. Before I knew it that thinking and”rut” in my brain and heart was “Poof” gone!

    Just sharing my journey and experience in hopes it might help.


  118.  #118Linda on January 15, 2014 at 4:17 am


  119.  #119Linda on January 15, 2014 at 4:20 am


  120.  #120Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 4:27 am

    Kath, I’m so sorry.

    In some ways, it feels better to finally just KNOW, though. There’s an ongoing grief process before that happens, but it never really feels resolved.

    While this loss feels just horrible, it also feels final enough that it feels like the grieving process may now proceed and find an end.

    I hope that yours finds its end soon and you find absolutely the most amazing man, who makes you feel really grateful that your now-ex did this… so you became free to meet someone truly amazing.

    Or maybe your ex will step up and become that someone truly amazing. Either way, I am wishing you great happiness! And my heart is with you in the grieving process for now, also. *HUGS*

  121.  #121Kath on January 15, 2014 at 4:44 am

    Thank you- the realisation that I am not the crazy person he has made me out to be is a relief!- The realisation that we both came into the house with totally different thoughts and even though I spoke my truth at the time, he didn’t. He said it was all me who had to change, and then he could love me more. But as the months have gone by, I have noticed even though I’ve tried to be more loving, more understanding, more patient etc. he has become more distant, more rude, less affectionate, less willing to show real affection and so I became suspicious. That’s when I started checking his cell, wrong I know, but now I know that because his perception of me not giving him unfailing love and attention and the constant ego boost he apparently needs, gave him the excuse to flirt with his xwife in the hope that his ego would be boosted in that direction-what a sad, sad, damaged, man. He said the texts I had read were him playing mind games with her-I asked him why he needed or even wanted to do that. he didn’t answer. I told him I was devastated to think that he could play me in that way.

  122.  #122Cris on January 15, 2014 at 4:56 am

    @Senior Lady Vibe 85: I love it!

    ((((Kath)))) “New Beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” (Lao Tzu)

  123.  #123Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 4:56 am

    Kath – Your strength in the face of all of this is awe inspiring.

    Love to you.


  124.  #124Kath on January 15, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Chris, thank you,
    Dominique, thank you- your words mean so much to me. I have struggled at times with things I’ve read and I know that I have a lot of learning to do and still a lot of work to do on my drama, but to be repeatedly told that the situation is all my doing and all my fault and that I was the one who had to change or we had no future, whilst all the time he was flirting with another woman and texting sweet nothings to her, is just beyond belief. The last thing he said before I got out of the van today was “There’s no way back from this” and then an hour later he text me to say he had never screamed and shouted and ranted to any woman ever as he did with me and asked me why that was. I didn’t respond and I know that he is even deceiving himself in that belief too!

  125.  #125LoveAlways on January 15, 2014 at 5:03 am


    I feel your pain. I’ve been there! Your truth is the saving grace here. Not his. You know your truth, you feel it. There are going to be a lot feeling coming up but told tight to the comfort of your truth. You just raised your level of difficulty siren 😀

  126.  #126Linda on January 15, 2014 at 5:08 am

    Cupcake. I am not making light of your recent experience in any way. It was at best a hard evening for you. When I read what you wrote… about zippering up and then unzipping your heart… made me chuckle actually. You put into exact words what I have found myself doing on dates and interactions with others. I guess the chuckle was triggered by a letting myself off the hook of not having it all together on the inside though I try my best not to show it on the outside. I dont feel so alone.

    I suspect that you can tweek your profile and answers on okcupid to change the results of their survey. Just a thought.

    Thanks for sharing your experience… It helped me feel more ok with the real me inside.

  127.  #127Linda on January 15, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Kath… now he has to face and live with his truth.

    His yelling and ranting.. was his choice. It has nothing to do with you.

    more hugs to you

  128.  #128Kath on January 15, 2014 at 5:21 am


    To be fair I screamed at him too when I knew the truth because I felt such a mug-but even if I’d spoken calmly he would have lost it in the same way because that’s what he’s done before-never apologises, never takes on board anything I’ve said and nothing ever gets resolved. Not the recipe of a strong, healthy relationship is it!

  129.  #129Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 6:29 am

    @Linda Thanks <3 for sharing your journey… I get it! I'm not there yet… but I am working on it…

    though I've noticed that, even when "D" was here that ( and also with MR) last night that I'd rather have not gone on the date! I'd rather have been home sewing working on my projects, reading my books…

    So, I'm wondering if the contentment might already be there….

    I was just doing what I thought I should be doing by getting out there even when I don't want to… like Rori says… and frankly the cost of the sitter, I was sad b/c I'd rather had spent the money on myself something nice.. ( since I rarely ever do that)…

    so I'm going out with these men, but none of them ROCK my boat so to speak! and though I do want to be with a man intimately… if this is as good as it gets, I'm to the point of throwing in the towel….

    I had fun with "D" not a blast and it was easy, and at times uncomfortable ( which I told him) but he is 16 hrs away and part of me just can't feel that much since I know it would be really hard and he isn't divorced yet, which makes me feel like I'm breaking a promise I made to myself to only date divorced men.

    I only made an exception with him b/c he was the closest I'd come to what I really want in a man.

    I'm going to let "D" go… b/c I need to… b/c I don't want to be breaking promises to myself – b/c my own love for myself… is important that I keep my boundaries for ME.

    If he is the right man, he'd do whatever it takes to be with me. And that just might be waiting 4 – 5 mos until his divorce.

    When he called me last night he was frantic about his kids and not knowing what to do about the whole thing… I felt like OMG I don't want to be involved with this drama he is going through.


  130.  #130Tereana on January 15, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Rome, by the way – I have to say – is possibly the most romantic city in the world. Even more than Paris, and that’s saying a lot, because I love all things French. But Rome has a very special energy to it. In fact, when I was there, years ago, it hit me – “romantic.” It’s even there – right there in the word!

    I can totally believe that this happened after throwing the coins into the Trevi fountain. Not because I’m superstitious. But because Rome does have that special quality. And even more so because this woman was out traveling on her own and aligning herself with her own energy. Sometimes you need to travel far to find home.

    A great story. I hope someone makes a movie out of it some day! 🙂

  131.  #131Tereana on January 15, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Rome, by the way – I have to say – is possibly the most romantic city in the world. Even more than Paris, and that’s saying a lot, because I love all things French. But Rome has a very special energy to it. In fact, when I was there, years ago, it hit me – “romantic.” It’s even there – right there in the word!

    I can totally believe that this happened after throwing the coins into the Trevi fountain. Not because I’m superstitious. But because Rome does have that special quality. And even more so because this woman was out traveling on her own and aligning herself with her own energy. Sometimes you need to travel far to find home.

    A great story. I hope someone makes a movie out of it some day! 🙂

  132.  #132Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 6:53 am


    I understand you, and I think maybe you and I share a need…we need to circular date ourselves, instead of just circular dating whatever man shows an interest in us.

    This morning, I wrote to the only 2 guys who have shown enough interest in me to actually set up dates. I told them both that they’re great guys whom I hope to see with women who can truly love them and who find them crazy attractive… but I am not that woman and won’t be.

    Like you, I feel like I just need to focus on me for now. Get myself into a good space, do things that nurture ME.

    Maybe we need to refill our own tanks before we can let love overflow. Like I have spent so much time pouring myself out onto my daughter and my ex and now I feel SO immensely depleted that when I’m given to, it just almost feels like all coming with expectations.

    T wants a relationship with me, and A (I feel) wants sex with me. I want to feel loved, not feel like the other person wants from me.

    And for me personally, I realize that this is a symptom of burn out. I’ve given until I’m dried up inside and all I seem to be experiencing is painful emotions. Even things coming towards me feel like expectations–and part of that is a mirror of what I’ve been doing to myself for years.

    So for now, I’m setting aside the expectation that I date men. It feels really hard, anyway.

    I’m setting aside the expectation on myself to meet my ex’s demands. It feels really hard.

    I’m just not going to expect so much of myself. I’m going to give less and I’m going to fill myself up more. I’m going to take warm baths and I’m going to look for a job (that I so don’t want) because I have to. But that’s the only “have to” that I’m even going to consider.

    Beyond that, I’m putting myself first. And for me, that means not dating men who aren’t attractive to me. Lonely feels better to me than the pressure to date does. The better feeling for me isn’t the constant pressure and demands of “give me a relationship”… it’s feeling like even if I’m the only one taking care of me, someone is!

    I let them both go.

    You know what I realized about T? He IS a fantastic man. But clinging to a man I don’t find attractive… what does that say? That this is the best I can do. It says that there’s only ONE good man in the world. It says that there’s some kind of shortage of good men and so I’d better take what I can get, while I can get it.

    And that feels rotten. I don’t want to do the work of “building attraction” for a man. Of creating something that doesn’t exist inside me.

    I’m not looking to have my socks knocked off. But I don’t want to feel TURNED OFF by my partner physically. It’s okay not to feel turned on. I can get beyond that. But I don’t want to feel TURNED OFF.

    People say, “well, he can lose the weight”, but then Rori also says, “If he never changes, can you love him just the way he is?” If he never loses the weight, and if he still works pretty much 24-7, can I love him?

    And my answer is no. He would have to change before I could feel attracted, and he works way too much for me to feel like a central portion of his life. A workaholic will always go back to his first love in the end, no matter how I try to “out girl” it.

    So maybe sometimes you need to just focus yourself inwards, and we need to fill ourselves up a little bit so that the arrows coming at us don’t hit us in a sore spot.

    Or maybe not. 😀 Maybe I’m just babbling incoherently, lmao.

  133.  #133LoveAlways on January 15, 2014 at 7:14 am

    Shannon # 132

    “we need to circular date ourselves, instead of just circular dating whatever man shows an interest in us.”

    I love this statement! I feel it. I’ve been living it!!!
    Thank you for putting that into words!!


  134.  #134redbutterfly on January 15, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Hugs to you, Kath! You will probably look back at this and be so happy you didn’t waste anymore time on this one!

  135.  #135Indigo on January 15, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Cupcake 106,

    It was super cool 🙂

    B came and picked me up, and we went and had a light dinner, then went to see “The Wolf of Wall Street” which he’d booked beforehand.

    He held my hand, asked more intimate personal questions about me… and also about what I liked. He talked as though we were a solid couple, but I liked it.

    It was a verrry long movie so he brought me home quite late, and I invited him to stay the night, which he did. There was no sex, although he gently tried – I was far too tired and didn’t want it to be “blah” – but plenty of kissing and cuddling. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind giving me some time to myself after coffee in the morning… and I have to say, it was nice being on that side of things rather than him wanting to dash out of here.

    He’s invited me to a braai (barbeque) at his house tonight to meet a couple of his friends, and truth be told, I am shattered. I’d love a night in and to catch up on the blog, among other things. I really hope I get to do that tomorrow night.

  136.  #136Aurora on January 15, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Shannon, Love Always

    I agree! just because someone shows up, doesn’t mean we have to CD him…we CAN be picky!

    Shannon I have loved reading your input here..it feels so genuine and from your heart! Thank you! It’s like a breath of fresh air.

    The coffee guy, LG….you know…..there were things about him I wasn’t keen about either….I started stepping into “is it really that bad” thinking , almost as if I was being too picky not to like his cursing, his hyper energy……and a few other things….and to be honest with myself I had a gut feeling he was the type of guy to date a few women at the same time and not tell them, to play the field so to speak. I think that’s why I went ahead with the coffee and to see him, so I could sense it again for myself when i was around him instead of guessing by text. My gut was right….I want to learn to trust it more……

    Go Sirens!

  137.  #137LoveAlways on January 15, 2014 at 8:58 am

    It’s raising our own Oxytocin!

  138.  #138Indigo on January 15, 2014 at 8:58 am


    Your post 117 moved me to my core.

    That so closely describes how I felt and my grief with D. This was a man I once so profoundly, profoundly adored, whose adoration of me was once so complete, and he started behaving like a malicious, cruel stranger, subjecting me to the most painful emotional torture my heart could fathom.

    I had to get away. I didn’t have the strength to do it – because, like in your dream, I clung to the memory of him like a deranged, grieving person unable to let go. But finally when the painful severing of those ties came I started to get some healing. My mind started to get relief and rest from the endless questions and confusion, and my aching soul started to slowly let the balm of caring in. It felt like excruciatingly slowly, but I saw time perform its healing magic before my very eyes.

    Much love to you.

  139.  #139LoveAlways on January 15, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Aurora – “Trusting your gut” feels right! Intuitive. Letting your girl energy be.

  140.  #140Veronica on January 15, 2014 at 9:17 am

    My last day on OkC and a new man turns up and we start talking about poetry. He sends me a few lines of a poem and it hits me hard, because it speaks of separation and it’s exactly how I felt about the ending with BM. I wanted to go to a tight corner or sit underwater and not be asked to feel. What also happened was that the way I was with BM – this particular vulnerable feeling way I was also emerged. I felt happy that this didn’t die but it also put me back to the lead in my chest and the dream I had about him last night. I just told the new man that I had little ghosts in my body for me right now. He seems nice to chat with which we’re doing via e-mail. It felt sad to close my account – I liked my profile, but I really needed to be out of there.

  141.  #141cupcake on January 15, 2014 at 9:56 am


    Are you familiar with the term “gas-lighting”?

    It’s when someone messes with your sense of reality and tells you something is entirely in your head, when you know it is not. (Term comes from the Ingrid Bergman / Charles Boyer film “Gaslight” in which he tries to drive her crazy. Worth seeing, and it is on YouTube.)

    I was thinking, “Kath is getting Gaslighted here” when I got to the part where he said he was playing mind games with his ex.

    I am so sorry that you have been disappointed with this relationship. And I feel complete confidence that you will be better off in the long run for staying on your mark and living in your own truth.

    Sending you a hug, a high five, and good thoughts.


  142.  #142Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Thank you, Aurora. I so appreciate it. Speaking frankly can be complex and vulnerable.

    Indigo, I think it really speaks clearly to a lot of people’s experiences… waking up one day to realize we’ve been clinging to a person who no longer exists.

    I just feel like so much of my life is falling apart. I wanted to be an author, not do grunt work for the rest of my life. I really want to see the whole “it’s a new beginning” thing, but right now it just all feels like shards of life lying in the dust all around me. *sigh*

  143.  #143Liquid Light on January 15, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Kyla, Indigo, Another great date! You two are on a roll! 🙂

  144.  #144Liquid Light on January 15, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Anyone have experience with these sites that target wealthy successful men? I’m just wondering if its legit or not. Its got wealthy and kiss in the name btw

  145.  #145Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Kath I don’t even know what to say to you. All that blaming was all a projection to move the attention away from what he was really doing. So much uncertainty. For all you know all his ranting could have been his own anger against himself. I wonder why he was pushing to buy the house?

    In any event girl look at all that has been happening in your gut. Make friends with it and look internally. See if your higher self was there with you all along trying to get your attention.

    I feel like hugging you and kissing and taking you to a safe place where you feel cradled and peaceful.

  146.  #146Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Shannon – 132 – YES!!!

    Love to you.


  147.  #147Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Indigo – 135 – 🙂 So great.


  148.  #148Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Shannon I had goose pimples reading that about your realization. I feel confident a major shift has taken place inside you. I believe it can only get better from here on. Your mind and heart is going to show you a path to your happy ever after. You have just given yourself a second chance. Another lease on life and I believe your best is just beginning.

  149.  #149Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Lisa I read through your comment and what jumped at me is “let D go”. I really wonder about that. Why do you think you need to “let D go”? I am also asking myself because the term just feels like so much clinging energy around it I wonder if I do that with men or even the thought of having one around. I feel like I am holding my breath, clenching my teeth and building up pressure in my head just thinking about this.

  150.  #150Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 10:46 am

    @Feminine woman it means telling him in feeling messages that I’m wanting a long term relationship and that at this time he is currently not divorced yet…. and therefore not available and honor my own promise to myself to not date separated or married men…

    and yes, I’m realizing today that I have feelings for him… I thought that I didn’t… but now that I’m crying and letting go… I’m realizing I do have feelings for him….

    what would be your suggestion…. I had lots of tightness around it before he came down to meet me, sleeplessness and emotions… I suspect that might have been from me breaking my promise to myself…

    Letting go might just mean me letting go of any expectations I might have… or any future I’m hoping for….


  151.  #151Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 11:04 am

    @Shannon #132

    totally spot on!!!

    “D” is a self professed workaholic… and I’ve not been attracted to that part of him…

    I’ve gone from attracting lazy men that want me to take care of them to a workaholic…

    and I can’t live with that NO if it doesn’t change…

    With “S” he was way over weight and the sex was good… fabulous actually so that didn’t hinder it, but the attraction was barely there and his addiction to food just made me want to vomit… sorry but watching someone eat like that just turned me off… and I don’t want to be turned off either!!!

    “M” had a food addiction too… but tried to hide it… all these men have big time NO’s and so I get what your saying if this the best that I can do then NO! I’m better off by myself…

    I don’t want to date men that I’d rather be home designing clothing or reading a book… I want to date men that I get excited about going out with… not men that want to talk about sex, their ex, their problems… ICK! I’m happier at home on my own… sure I want someone to do things with, but only if it is going to bring me joy!

    “D” did bring me joy and man alive his kisses knocked my socks off …. I get all turn on thinking about his kisses… BUT.. he isn’t available now … he is in a messy divorce, afraid of losing his kids… though they are teens now..that’s confusing and he is 16hrs away. Says he wants to move here but that is all fantasy until he is actually here living…

    I just want to spend time with my kids, myself and people that uplift me rather than pay a sitter to have a man act like “MR” did last night… which is too bad b/c we had so much on the same page… he blew it.

    I just don’t want to settle!!! I just don’t!!!
    I’ve been doing Rori’s tools even before I knew about Rori… I’ve circle dated and I’ve not chased men… I was however over functioning in my own life… and I’ve learned so much from her tools, and this group, but my point is… that I should be with a Good man by now… all the work I’ve done on me… I see women now that haven’t done near as much work as I have and are in really incredible relationships … so I just want to throw in the towel…and get back to living my life without the hope or even the effort of finding a man… b/c I’m so behind on things…

    I do circle date myself… 😉

    Thanks for sharing and thanks for listening <3 <3


  152.  #152Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Lisa after finding Rori and hearing her talk about holding on and showing the fists pointed towards the man I just feel uncomfortable with the whole holding on thing. I ask myself why am I holding on, do I have to hold on. Even in my thoughts I practice Rori’ tools about letting go. I keep wanting to be in a space where there will be no need to be letting go of a man because it is my default position I choose naturally.

  153.  #153Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 11:48 am

    @feminine woman <3 <3 it makes me cry! to read your post…

    Yes, I get that… fine line I suppose…

    I wonder if holding on is what I'm doing or just having feelings for a man and some deep desire for him to work out … I don't know… but you are correct when I do TheWork on it… and i let GO! totally without any attachement AT ALL… it is the most freeing feeling and attraction magnet there is!!! I know that, I've experienced it… with "M"…

    He was so taken with me that day I did TheWork on " I can't let him go" b/c I was in that space of totally no expectations at all and I was so blissed out on my own… it didn't matter to me if he came or went… and he was just all over me…that night.. as if he couldn't get enough of me…

    I got what your saying FW and I'm working on it…



  154.  #154Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Lisa – If I’ve posted these before, I apologize. If I haven’t, these might help you with the expectation piece. I hope it does.

    Love to you.



  155.  #155Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 12:14 pm

  156.  #156Kath on January 15, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    144 FW,

    I am so hurt, I am so upset, He said he had been texting his xwife to “mess with her head” that he wanted her to be jealous of what we had!!!!- but then he said that things started to go wrong for us about a year ago and said that it was me who needed to “blow off steam” every few months and he had never been so angry so frequently in all his life!-He said he shouldn’t have done what he did but there was no apology,no “I’m so sorry I hurt you”. I asked him what he hoped to achieve by doing what he’d done and he said it was pay back for all the pain and hurt she’d caused him!- I said that felt really bad and wrong and that he wasn’t just damaging me but also himself. I’m not convinced by what he’s said. How could I ever be happy with someone who is so vindictive and screwed up??!!- I have wasted nearly three years of my life!

  157.  #157Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    No Kath you have learned some valuable lessons. We have a saying in my country “today for me tomorrow for you”. He is doing that to her today. You would be his next in line for that so my dear you are wise to see it as damaging to all involved. For all you know he might be jealous of what she has now. Her freedom from all his drama. Her life the way she wants it. Who knows?

    I saw someone’s post on FB today. It had a picture of Einstein on it “weak people revenge, strong people forgive, intelligent people ignore”.

    He said you needed to blow off steam every few months might even be a lesson for. It might be an indication that when you reach your comfort level of the amount of love you can take in then you do something to challenge your status quo. I would really look at this in the relationship with him to see if there is a lesson there. However, if you are with the man you are meant to be with believe that both of you would find a way to work through things. With this guy, from what you have been writing, it seems you gut up tying up in knots trying to get your attention that something was not right. Even if you should get to a place where you could work things through with him, obviously this is not the relationship you want. You would need to start with a new slate and a new relationship. That “trying to make her jealous and mess with her head” stuff created a crack in this relationship where it was bleeding. Use your time now to be clear for yourself what kind of relationship you want and commit to yourself to create that.

  158.  #158Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks Dominique no harm in reposting and I’ll read them!!! <3

    Ok "D" said he is calling tonight… this is my script so far… what do you think anyone?

    I'm feeling scared to have feelings for someone that hasn't completed their process of being completely available. I'm feeling uncertain about the situation and that feels shaky. I'm feeling scared of opening up my heart up to all this uncertainty.

    I feel excited when I talk to you, I feel excited when your here with me. I felt so warm, tingly and melted inside with you at the "C lounge"… I felt bubbly and kisses felt amazing…. I don't know what to do with that….

    I feel safe and protected and listened to when I'm with you, I feel it is easy. I don't know what to do with all those feelings…

    I feel nervous…. feelings are starting to develop…..

    I feel curious about your experience….

    I want to feel when I fall in love with someone that that man is free to love me back and commit to me…..

    He gets my feeling messages…. so I have down to start with I'm feeling scared ….. what do you think, but I might not need the what do you think.. b/c he usually asks me right off… tell me..


  159.  #159Femininewoman on January 15, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Wow Lisa you script triggered memories of CCarter’s teaching about sandwiching what we say. So I would start with:-

    “I feel excited when I talk to you, I feel excited when your here with me. I felt so warm, tingly and melted inside with you at the “C lounge”… I felt bubbly and kisses felt amazing…. I don’t know what to do with that…. I feel safe and protected and listened to when I’m with you, I feel it is easy.”

    I really don’t like the first para because it seems to me too focussed on showing what’s wrong with him. Seems also like you are saying you are scared of your own feelings. I can’t figure out why I would want to tell that to a man. It is my issue.

    btw I do believe it is too long.

  160.  #160Helena Hart on January 15, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Lisa – 157 – I love all the feeling messages here! In my experience, conversations like this work better as a “script” (like you said) rather than as a “speech.” So you have all these great feeling messages – try saying one of them, then stop and really listen to what he says. Then you can share how you feel about THAT, or deliver another feeling message that you’ve come up with that applies.

    It’s also helpful to share what you DON’T want. An example would be, “I’m feeling nervous/shaky/scared…I don’t want to fall for someone who isn’t completely available…What do you think?”

    Femininewoman – 158 – I love the idea of starting with the positive feelings!

    Love, Helena

  161.  #161Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    @Helena Thanks!

    yes I was planning on doing it little by little omg that would be to tiring to say all at one time… shew!

    @FW… again I wasn’t planning on saying it all at one time… not sure how else I could have wrote it..

    and yes, even the parts that might seem negative to some people, not to me… is what I need to say…that part is for me… I need to say that I’m starting to have feelings and … I need the man to be available.. etc…

    all I can do is my best… and if he is the right man, he’ll step up and it won’t be an end.. and then it is practice…

    Not sure how else to do it.. really unless someone has a better script….

    Thanks! Much!


  162.  #162Kath on January 15, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    156 FW,
    Yes, You’re right I need to look into me-I was scared when I felt him pulling away- and I did say as much to him-told him of me fears and what triggers me-but he just kept pushing things back to me. The thing is deep down, I already knew that he is really still in love with his X and always will be-and that hurt. The fact that he thought he could try and have a relationship when he had all those feelings for her still and tried to deny it and told me it was all in my head!- Apparently he was protecting me!- how the heck he thought he was doing that I will never know!

  163.  #163Aurora on January 15, 2014 at 3:16 pm


  164.  #164Aurora on January 15, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    does he like to feed on drama? and drag you into it?

    love to you in this wind storm….

    (((((place your heart here )))))

  165.  #165Sophie on January 15, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    (((Kath))) I agree with Aurora – he sounds very dramatic and having it all turned on you – I’ve experienced that and it feels very disorientating – when I had that experience and my whole world turned on its head and I felt like I couldn’t find my compass I made myself my compass – I believed ONLY that about myself that I chose to believe and I loved on myself to the same degree and beyond of the damage I felt – which means I loved myself intensely – I refused to think about any whys or whats but instead recognised him for the man that he was and went about my grieving and building up my strength – I can remember being asked by my therapist for the things he’d said that had got to me the most but I so refused to allow myself to believe them that I didn’t rethink them after that and now I can’t remember what they were – I feel so proud of myself for that I didn’t want him to continue affecting how I felt a moment longer than necessary xxx

  166.  #166Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Kath – 155 – Nothing in your life is a waste. And there are no mistakes, only learning and growing experiences. All of this has been a wonderful opportunity for you. Can you shift your thoughts in this direction instead? You not only have gained some valuable lessons and wisdom, you have also deepened and made richer and more gorgeous your already beautiful self. Can you own this truth for yourself?


  167.  #167Sophie on January 15, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    @ Shannon – You WILL be a successful author 🙂 sometimes breakdown is right before the breakthrough – I identify with how you feel because I left a secure job to be creative and I do not want to go back and every month I’m having money shortage on my bills and scrabbling round for money but I’m keeping focusing on my intention and opportunities are presenting – I’ve looked into a lot of work from home jobs some of them are really good – (there’s loads of online writing work too which could be lucrative…or a at least a start to raising some cash?)

  168.  #168Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Lisa – 157 – I wonder if this is YOUR stuff, your fears coming up, and there is nothing he can really do to assuage these fears. This may be something only you can work with.

    If you still feel the need to give a speech, the this is on the long side. How about this?

    – I feel excited when I talk to you, when you’re here with me. I feel so warm, tingly and melty inside with you. I love kissing you.

    I feel safe and protected and heard.

    Yet, I also feel scared, sometime shaky, and uncertain.

    I feel terrified to open up my heart, for I don’t want to develop feelings for someone who may not be on the same page as I.

    And I don’t know what to do with all those feelings…

    Can you help me with this? –


  169.  #169Sophie on January 15, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    I said the wrong words to B again and now he is angry again and it was all going much more swimmingly la la la

    I really need to ask for advice on scripts on here before I open my mouth

    It was over money again and negotiating space and getting a lodger – with that he is being cooperative so that is great (maybe I haven’t shown enough appreciation hmmm)- maybe I’m not expressing my wants enough

    What I want is

    him to recognise how urgent the situation is and leap to assist me in all ways – for example “okay this is urgent lets get the rooms sorted out so that one is ready” because currently he has one room and I have another – and maybe make suggestions about how to find someone or something I don’t know

    Is all that expectations? How do I manage it – tell him what I want? I tried kind of but he felt criticised and then just says its up to me and washes his hands of it and gets angry and shut down. I feel exasperated. any good scripts would be greatly appreciated.

    He is very sensitive, I think, that he is not working and so I am – It contributes to me feeling like i’m running around juggling all the balls whilst I feel like he’d just let them drop on the floor cos they’re not his balls they’re mine – he is a good man he would give me whatever I needed if he had it but I’m doing major stepping up to try and sort things out and he isn’t (maybe he just doesn’t know what to do?)

    How can I manage my own resentments? Any great ideas? I know when his things are moved into my room I’m basically going to be moved downstairs because I can’t bear constant tv (until 3 in the morning) – anyone have any good speeches for negotiating some cooperation around that?

  170.  #170Dominique on January 15, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Sophie – You can’t control him, and you can’t control the outcome. You’ve also already told him what you are looking for, yet you can be real without being confrontational, so how about this –

    I feel all alone in this, and I feel resentment growing. I don’t want to feel this way with you. Can you help?


  171.  #171Sophie on January 15, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    yes Dominique thank you

    I’ve said that I feel alone with it before and since then he has helped more – he is open to having someone move in which is great – now its logistics

    I feel unhappy when we argue. I would like us to sort out the rooms then I can feel relaxed knowing that we’re ready for someone moving in quickly. Can you help with this?

    Is that okay?

    Can you help and what do you think – I need to drill that into my head honestly!

    I need to do scripting on here definitely I need the practise xxx

  172.  #172Sophie on January 15, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    No the above one is still too ‘telling what to do, isnt it?’

    I feel unhappy when we argue. It would feel good to have the rooms sorted out so I can feel relaxed knowing that it’s ready for someone moving in. Can you help with this?

  173.  #173Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 5:03 pm


    “Wow. I feel so stressed. I feel pressured, and I feel afraid. The future feels so uncertain to me. I really want to move someone in as quickly as possible, but I don’t feel like the house is ready and I feel scared. What do you think?”

    Now, if you have something specific you want him to do, you might say this;

    “Hey honey, I could really use your help. I really want to clean up for an hour or so, but I worry about being able to move some of these boxes, since my body feels a little tired and sore. What do you think?”

    Remember to share just to share. And perhaps begin to consider the idea that it may be time to move on from this. To put it bluntly, you sound miserable and the situation sounds completely untenable. Resentment will only continue to build if he doesn’t start stepping up, and eventually everything will come to a head either way.

  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on January 15, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    @96: Dominique
    “SLV!!!! – I was just thinking about you today. I’ve missed you. And here you are. 🙂
    Love to you.

    I’m “still around” just not always in the same places… 😀

    It’s been three years since I first began commenting on the Rori blog. My, my tempus fugit. 😆

    Hugs to you and Happy New Year 2014!


  175.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on January 15, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    @Love Always



    Hmm, “animal magnetism.”

    That kind of energy goes both ways. In the pic the “girl” is generating the attraction; the flow from the woman is feminine. The man being attracted to the woman is what usually gets the courtship started when the man acts upon that attraction.

    Should we start passing out magnets… ? 😆


  176.  #176Senior Lady Vibe on January 15, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    @122: Cris:



  177.  #177Emerson on January 15, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    98 luzydel well said…

  178.  #178Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 6:02 pm


    Great script

    everything is my issue… always… no way around that… everything is projection… on the other side of that… he is still legally married…. so.. it is my stuff … my promise to myself not to date separated men… to only date divorced men…

    so I’m not sure that there is anything to work out.. cuz he isn’t totally available now… maybe in the future… who knows…

    I don’t know how to work out something I have no control over… to accept that this is where he is…that’s reality… nothing I can do about it…

    I do need to tell him how I feel and practice my feeling messages etc… but I realized tonight speed dating that really there is NO need for me to even consider I have a future of any kind with this man b/c as Rori says the number one reason to fall in love is his ability to commit. Everything else pales in comparison… even melty hot kisses and being heard and finally finding a man that actually is interested in hearing what I have to say… and interested in me and my passions in life…

    I don’t know….??? I’m curious about what you think, might be my issue….


  179.  #179Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Oh my goodness! “MR” just texted me…

    He says “I enjoyed last night it was delightful.. ( what man uses that term) have (you) thought about hot tubbing with me?” there was more but I’m keeping it short.
    naked is what he means…b/c he said he hasn’t put on a suit in a hot tub in years…

    OMG! where do these guys come from? Geez!

    So here is my perfect opportunity to use my scripting again…

    I enjoyed our date last night. Funny how you got to see my shy side. 🙂 I would love to have real food with you. I enjoy hot tubbing with a man I’m in a exclusive relationship with… I feel uncomfortable with a casual encounters. What do you think?

    Not my best scripting but what do you think?


  180.  #180Shannon on January 15, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    So my ex is on a “you have 8 weeks to get your own place and get out” kick now. Peachy. Love it. Just want to scream and kick and yet I feel really shut down and upset at the same time. Overwhelmed. Tired and defeated.

  181.  #181LoveAlways on January 15, 2014 at 6:37 pm


    I see your point! 🙂

  182.  #182Kath on January 15, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    He says he just wanted to be happy with me but now the trust is gone he can’t be bothered to try again!- I feel so numb and yet at the same time inside I’m punching the air because I knew I was right and he denied it for all that time. I have known for a long time that he wasn’t over the X and that there was still a lot of mixed up hurt and emotions there. I thought time would help heel but the more I have ;picked up on things, the more hurt I have become and that’s where our problems started because I could see what was going on and he couldn’t. It was so crushing to look at the man I love and see in his face that there was no real empathy or feeling for me and how I felt. He said I was insecure-but it wasn’t insecurity, it was the belief that he wasn’t 100% with me.

  183.  #183Cupcake on January 15, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    I went on a fun date today with a CD I’d mentioned last month and decided not to see again. He’s the one who showed up carrying a plastic cup with a straw that I thought was soda or tea, and then realized that it was red wine. So he drank about 20 ozs of wine while we were on a walk in the middle of a Monday afternoon… He never mentioned that he was drinking wine.. Not even when he finished the plastic cup and stopped and bought a 20oz can of Fosters beer.

    Last month, he wanted to go out with me again, and I emailed him and told him that as a moderate drinker, that much drinking felt like a red flag for me. (It wasn;t even like we were at a bar!)

    I still don’t want to date him. However, he’s been writing me hysterically funny emails, and finally yesterday he called and asked me out again. I was still feeling icky after going out with the creepy guy who said I’m kinky, and he asked if I wanted to go to the art museum and a walk in the park this afternoon, since the weather was supposed to be nice.

    It sounded like a fun way to spend afternoon, so I said yes. I am glad I went, too. It was really fun. He’s very witty, and he was on his best behavior. When he showed up, I could smell wine on him– at lunchtime. So I still think he’s really kind of undateable as a real prospect. It felt good, though, to be able to talk to someone without having to dumb it down. And I was able to really keep my heart unzippered because I don’t feel afraid of him.

    I can’t say I stayed ENTIRELY in the present with him. The thing is, when He Who Must Not Be Named, Lord Voldemort was here, pretty much all we did was go to museums and walk through gardens. And I LOVED doing that. I loved being outside with him and just walking around looking at things. So today, instead, I walked around in the gardens and looked at things with another tall goodlooking man (although neither as tall nor as goodlooking as Lord V) – and I still really liked walking around looking at things with a guy, even if it wasn’t Lord V.

    So sure, sometimes I felt my heart shoot out of my body like on a submarine periscope, peeking around through the ether to try to spy on Lord V’s energy. (Where is he now? Who is he with?)– and I’d have to remind myself to pull the energetic periscope down and stay in the present with Drinker-MoriartyCD. (I’m going to call him that because he reminds me, facially and a little bit personality-wise, of the guy who plays Moriarty on the new Sherlock show. Who, if you guys watch the show (and if you haven’t, you SHOULD because it’s the BEST.TV. EVER)- you’ll agree with me that, interesting as Jim Moriarty may be, he’s certainly not date-able. 🙂

    Still. I was out in the sunshine, laughing, flirting, using feeling messages and MOSTLY staying in the present. I got to walk through gardens and look at things, and it was still fun without He Who Must Not Be Named. I got to feed carrots to some horses, and I drank the best coffee I’ve had since I’ve been in New City. So all in all, I’d say it was a pretty good day.

    Creepy Lawyer”Kinky”CD woke me up this morning with a “Good morning, Cupcake!” text. I ignored it.

    I think about you guys all a lot. I’m sorry I don’t respond to each of you individually as much as I want to. I’m often reading the blog on my phone, and it’s hard to type on it, and then half the time the message doesn’t up load, which feels frustrating.

    I do think about you though, and wonder how your days are going.


  184.  #184Cupcake on January 15, 2014 at 7:25 pm


    Have you told him you feel tired and overwhelmed and defeated? Maybe he is being aggressive because you’re feeling shut down, and he’s trying to shake out a response from you.

    Sending you a hug. It must feel very uncomfortable there. Are you still sleeping on the couch? How is your back?


  185.  #185Cupcake on January 15, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Lisa, #178

    Did you send him the message yet?

    I’d put the feeling message in earlier.

    “Our date felt really fun to me, too!

    As for hot tubbing– while the invitation feels flattering to hear, I’d feel uncomfortable of being naked in a casual context.

    So…I feel I must politely decline! 🙂 ‘

    How does that feel?

  186.  #186Lisa on January 15, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks Cupcake!!! I haven’t sent the text yet…to “MR”

    Ok on “D” I’m feeling very strongly that he isn’t separated… though I did my best to check that out before he came down … but ever since he left to go back something doesn’t feel right!!!… the story has changed… and he didn’t call tonight… even tough he said he would twice…

    I just blocked him! He said his kids has flown the coop before he came to see me and ( now his story is different) how can he loose them if he is separated? He keeps telling me his ex wife texts him all day telling him what a bad person he is… and is threatening to move to Boston… something doesn’t pan out!!! 8 mos separated and 4 kids grown and 2 almost grown and not at home… hummm

    I suspected it but kept remembering to trust until I have evidence otherwise… I saw his driver’s license, his vehicle plate, I know his wife’s name… BUT something just isn’t right.. and so I’m done! I don’t want to get into this drama of his, whatever it is… he is wanting to call me and tell me about it… I’m not a therapist… his mom is.. she can be that for him… I’m not going to help him cheat if he isn’t separated.. and I’m not going to be the reason he lost his kids moving down to be with me. He lives 16hours away….. and there are toooo many men out there for me to get into this mess!!!! I’m done.. I blocked him from the dating site… and I doubt he will call me… since I’ve blocked him. He’ll be too afraid to call me…

    Lesson learned don’t bend the rules you set for yourself just b/c a man shows up with all the qualities you want… I set the rules for a reason… and now I’m regretting it!!! EEEEW… no wonder his e-mails were so perfect and attentive and emotional… he was most likely using me as a scape goat… OMG!!!

    Moving on I don’t need to practice that bad, to lean forward and contact him…

    Speed dating was fun… no one I was attracted to, but I put 4 men down as interested… we’ll see.


  187.  #187Cupcake on January 15, 2014 at 9:28 pm


    I feel curious about what’s going on…When is your next date? Is it set up yet?

    Was anything said about the weird text?


  188.  #188Tereana on January 15, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Shannon – 132 – that was so great! I could respond to almost all of it, but I won’t, because you said it so well!

    Veronica – I shut my Okc profile down just this morning. It felt like a great relief! And then later this evening I sort of missed it. But I really prefer the “organic” meetings I experience.

    And I agree. It feels good to focus on me for right now, and to enjoy “solitude” rather than feel “lonely” – knowing that, if I feel totally comfortable how I am right now, then someone, who is the best someone, can step easily into the picture…

  189.  #189Sophie on January 16, 2014 at 3:13 am

    (((Shannon))) Thank you! I feel so sorry that your situation sounds similarly untenable – The speech worked last night and he was cooperative with how he could help – now he’s cross because he thinks I have undercharged the people who I can get in quickly as in tomorrow and meet my mortgage so I have lost his support again – I feel worried that he is going to be rude to the people (two young french girls) because he thinks they are getting it cheap – they only want two weeks – it works whilst we sort out what we’re doing – I have to go out now but again I need a speech.

    I have no idea…this is the crux of what I need to say – I feel afraid when we’re not working together. I want everyone to live in harmony including the new people. I felt…was a reasonable amount of money…

    I don’t know i’m stuck! I don’t want to have to apologise because I chose to charge a certain amount of money but I do want his support and cooperation and the situation does affect him to- blah

  190.  #190Shannon on January 16, 2014 at 3:40 am

    Sophie, try this?

    “I feel so excited about these two girls who are coming to stay here. I’m so glad that it’s only for two weeks, and that it’s going to be so immediate! I feel such relief thinking that they’ll be here and there’s definitely money coming in right away. I have felt so stressed and afraid, that this feels like a huge burden off of my shoulders! I love a sure thing, and I must say that your help last night to make this happen has me dancing on air today! It feels SO GREAT!”

    Do a feeling good message. Maybe there are other feelings rolling around, too, but I think sometimes we need a feeling good message–and so does he!! A little gushing won’t kill you and could get him on board… especially with the reminder that it’s only two weeks.

  191.  #191Sirenity on January 16, 2014 at 3:58 am

    I feel delighted to read Pamela’s story..it feels so magical. And yes..it seems to be happening to me too.
    I am around Pamela’s age,and have been working on myself for literally years. I have met an officer and a gentleman too..in my case a Major (now reserves). Yes we are falling in love, yes he is stepping up, he is real, he is available, he is just right for me.

    Not only did Pamela find happiness, but I am another Siren Success Story with a lovely available man in my life and an exciting future, at the ripe old age of 54!

  192.  #192Dominique on January 16, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Sophie – 170 – Yes this is good though I would suggest tweaking it which I see you did in 171. It’s much better here. You could tweak it even more if you want to though it’s likely not necessary.

    I feel unhappy when we argue. I don’t want to feel this way with. It would feel so good to have the rooms sorted out. Can you help me with this?

    I omitted the one line because you don’t need to explain feelings unless asked, and in this case he knows why. Also I think adding “me” into the – can you help phrase – is beneficial. It keeps the focus on your feelings.


  193.  #193Tereana on January 16, 2014 at 5:14 am

    Hi Ladies –

    Maybe it is the fog. But I feel an oppressive sense of frustration. It seems like, no matter what I do, I cannot shake, avoid, dissolve, let go of, or otherwise not feel within myself a very deep shame and an utter sense of having little or no value in the world. This is an invisible feeling. No one can see it, and I am able to limp along with this, but I’m not really LIVING. I’m just doing whatever I can to scrape by and SURVIVE. The good thing is that I HAVE survived. But I would really like much more than this, and no amount of therapy, medication, meditation, exercise, self-work or ANYTHING appears to have made a dent it this feeling at all. Which then compounds my shame. Because not only do I feel like a failure “at life” I also feel like I have failed even to heal myself. It makes me feel even MORE that there is something “wrong” with me. *sigh*

    This shows up in relationships: I am defensive, egotistical, selfish, cagey, aloof, and frequently blame the other person for my feelings – often without realizing it.

    This shows up in money: I literally cannot conceive of what it would be like to actually be paid lots of money for something – anything at all. Even for nothing. And have that be okay. And have me not feel like I was a bad person. And have me not feel like I need to get rid of it right away.

    Maybe I am doing all things wrong. Maybe I can’t “think” my way out of this. But even though I’ve gotten better at “feeling,” and at communicating my feelings and observing my boundaries, I still feel really, really awful and “less than” basically all the time. It’s not a good feeling, obviously. And most of the time, I’m so used to it that I don’t even realize it’s there.

    Anyway. I’m not really looking for advice, I guess. Maybe some words of support, if you have it. I’m ordering a book that should help. I know I don’t “deserve” to feel this way, and yet, I just do.

    Thanks for letting me vent….

  194.  #194Dominique on January 16, 2014 at 5:14 am

    Lisa – 177 – Yes it”s true that if this man is unable to commit at this time, then allowing yourself to fall for him would maybe not be the best idea, YET you feel what you feel. If nothing else, it would be great practice to share your feelings with him. you have nothing to lose after all. You are being real and authentic. And this is a wonderful thing whether it hurts or not.


  195.  #195Dominique on January 16, 2014 at 5:20 am

    Lisa – 178 – I don’t think you need to even address the hot tub part of it unless he pursues the topic.

    Our date last night felt great. Interestingly it felt good showing my shy side. 🙂 I would love to have real food with you. What do you think?


  196.  #196Dominique on January 16, 2014 at 5:28 am

    Tereana – 192 – I SO understand this feelings. I’m sorry. I would love to wave a magic wand and take it all away from you.

    Maybe this will help?



  197.  #197Dominique on January 16, 2014 at 5:31 am

    Here’s another one Tereana –



  198.  #198Femininewoman on January 16, 2014 at 5:44 am

    Sophie – it seems to me you are in your head worrying about something that might never happen. How do you know you have lost his support? Just because he is cross? He is entitled to his feelings. If he is cross allow him to work through it, there is no need for a speech to fix it. You assuming that he is going to be rude to the tenants is kinda you getting into his head and I think that is rude and trying to control him. As far as I am concerned only if he still seems cross later on by something he says to you do you need to ask “is there something I need to know”? after letting him know how you feel about his help earlier.

  199.  #199Femininewoman on January 16, 2014 at 5:48 am


    Sorry about your situation. Your post sounds like the resigned tough warrior, particularly because you said “love it”. Are you allowing yourself to feel your anger and rage about the situation? Your fear of the unknown?

  200.  #200Sophie on January 16, 2014 at 6:36 am

    189 and 197 – yes! and yes! Shannon I love the way that you made it sound so good and FW you are right I was jumping in his head and being rude

    I am struggling to cope with this situation at all – i’m not sleeping so i’m not on the ball – I don’t feel able to talk to him about anything

    Now he has reduced what he will pay me in rent (its already less than a third of the overall bills) because the benefits have reduced because of some history – if he was a normal lodger then the lodger would come up with the shortfall or that would be an eviction – because he isn’t he says that I just treat him like a lodger expecting him to pay like one – I am making up the shortfall anyway I can and round and round in circles we go

    I don’t want to keep being negative and i’m aware I it may sound like i’m moaning a lot about him which I also don’t want to do – we both want to be on the same side – I just don’t how to communicate without putting my foot in it – I really really appreciate the advice because I need to be told you ladies are right in everything you point out to me

  201.  #201Monica on January 16, 2014 at 6:49 am


    You might consider googling the healing properties of ayahuasca. Maybe it’s a path you’d consider.

  202.  #202Shannon on January 16, 2014 at 6:50 am

    So I focused today on the positives. I’m going to start trying to keep that focus on a regular basis. Whatever happens, I want to feel happier. And I chose to just apologize, and try to make myself more clear as far as, “I didn’t mean it that way, I was trying to say this, I’m so sorry I screwed up in communicating that to you.”

    sophie… can you just tell him that you need to be able to sleep so you can work, and offer him a wireless headset that works with the TV or something?

    I mean, please forgive me if I’m being rude here, but who owns the house? Why are you tolerating this? Why is the boss in this “relationship”? Why does he have the power to dictate when the TV is on and you don’t?

    These are straight questions, I’m not trying to tell you to boss him, I’m trying to ask questions that will help me better understand the relationship dynamics.

    As the person paying the bills, I just don’t understand why you’re not pretty much just telling him to turn the bloody TV off because you HAVE to get the sleep you need if HE wants to have ANY place to live. You’re taking a pittance from him and letting him get away with giving you only that pittance WHILE making your life miserable while you’re supporting him. I really need to understand better why that’s happening; why you don’t feel able to just flat out say, “I have to sleep. If you want to keep this home, you can’t play the TV all night. Period.”

    I just am trying to understand why you can’t just forget about “girling” and move into boy “landlord” mode and straighten him out; I’m not trying to suggest that you DO, just trying to understand why you don’t or can’t.

  203.  #203Monica on January 16, 2014 at 6:56 am


    Here’s a follow up link to my previous post. It’s something I’m considering for my own stuck places:


    It’s a long article but fascinating.

  204.  #204Lisa on January 16, 2014 at 7:58 am

    WOW I’m learning so much about myself….how I shut down, shut out, protect myself from hurt or being vulnerable…. “D” has to be in my life to show this to me.

    He called twice last night.. I didn’t answer… he left a message, he said he’d call in the morning. He called just as I was leaving, I answered. He told me everything that was going on with him. He said his house has apartments and he left the one she was in and is living in another apartment …..

    Ok I know, I know but I’ve did this myself with my ex and I know lots of others here that are doing it also. For financial reasons and/ or to help better with the co-parenting with the children. So, I can’t judge someone else when I’ve done it myself.

    so, he is in pain and I’m being selfish if I decide “I need to tell him how I feel” now is not the time.. he is hurting at the thought of his ex wife taking his son to another state… I have children and that would crush me… crush me…

    He ask me about the trigger that happened and said it made him question himself… and if he was a bad man… I told him from my perspective he handled the trigger beautifully… perfect for me… and that I’d invite him not to take it on as meaning he was a bad man. The trigger was my own stuff….. and I told him I had felt loved, cared for and safe with him and how he handled the trigger with me.

    So, yes there is 999 miles away and yes, he is still legally married…. when he was talking about it, I ask him if I was getting involved in a situation where I’d be in the middle of their marriage or was he truly legally separated… he said, yes we are legally separated… so I feel he is telling me the truth… thus why I was feeling he was still married b/c I knew there was more to it.

    so, he was feeling uncomfortable telling me the living situation… and any man would pull back and withdraw if they thought they were going to lose their child.

    So, this is my opportunity to do what FW and Dominique suggested and not have ANY expectations about anything with this man… and see what happens… good opportunity to keep my fists open and continually let go…

    So far he has stepped up… followed through and communicated beautifully… and my job is to not get attached until… he can and does commit.

    That is my lesson here…be present with him, and just allow whatever is to be to unfold… no expectations… and to continue to circle date, actually date other men… until which time things end or begin with “D”… this past weekend was just a taste of “if we are attracted to each other in person” nothing more…..from his perspective and I think I was putting more on it than that…

    I know my blast of frustration last night might have been a trigger for some of you, but on my end it actually was really eye opening, for me to see how and why I do that… respond that way…how I’m trying to protect myself… and my ugly stuff showed it’s self… and that is ok…


  205.  #205Shannon on January 16, 2014 at 8:05 am

    We love all the selfs of you, Lisa. You’re beautiful, even when you felt the dark emotions, you were still so radiant and beautiful in them.

  206.  #206Indigo on January 16, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Thank you Liquid Light & Dominique xx

  207.  #207Veronica on January 16, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Tereana – 187 – I also feel relieved and am yearning for the ‘organic’ meeting. Yes, it does feel to empowering in a way because I’m choosing solitude for a while instead of making do with feeling lonely.

  208.  #208Indigo on January 16, 2014 at 9:32 am


    I’m with Shannon.

    In fact, I have been wondering that from the start when reading your story with CDB, and Shannon put it so well.

    You sound like you are walking on eggshells with this man. Why?

    You are giving so much here – not just financially, but in terms of your blood, sweat and tears in the worry over what you do with the house, and it seems as though he is sitting on the sidelines, getting an equal say in everything and not putting in the effort, but reserving the right to complain and be in a mood.

    I am really scratching my head with this one.

  209.  #209Lisa on January 16, 2014 at 9:38 am

    @ Shannon #204 Awww Thanks so much!!! <3 that feels so good and I feel so loved..


  210.  #210Sophie on January 16, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Lovely Shannon and Indigo

    I find it very difficult to explain – I’ve had the exact same from my therapist this morning…

    I think its because if I try and lay down any law it becomes outright war and I just dont have the energy or time for it – cooperation and negotiation gives me some periods of time that are peaceful and harmonious – he is now to be fair to him helping me try and sort the rooms and being nice and everything is okay – the flare ups are hard to handle and im thrown into a spin but as FW pointed out earlier I do a lot of projection perhaps and ‘his thinking’ for him none of which helps the situation

    This situation IS only temporary and so I’m trying to negotiate it as best I can and when I do get the advice with scripting etc it does work – he does actually want things to be okay and me to feel happy and supported and i think I do go about things the wrong way (however I dont like having to question my every move either) – i’m not making excuses for him or for me i’m just trying to make the best of things right now until there’s a solution aka he finds somewhere else to live

    I really do appreciate the support given to me – I feel afraid its tedious and draining to keep requiring support for the same things upsetting me and I want to comment and cheer you all on and not be self-obsessive just in moments like this i’m feeling frazzled I am commenting and cheering you all on in my head 🙂 xx

  211.  #211Tereana on January 16, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Ladies, thank you!

    Dominique, I always love your articles 🙂

    Monica – I will have a look!

    Funny, friend of mine is traveling all over South America right now. I’m sure I saw some pictures of her in Peru!

  212.  #212Tereana on January 16, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    I do feel a little bit better now than this morning, but also, I am very tired today and did not get enough sleep. Funny how those really simple things can affect us. And there can be lots of reasons for our feelings. Feeling “low” can lead to creativity when I start to look for ways to alter what I can to feel better. And that gives me a sense of effectiveness (or at least hope).

    On another topic, my mind keeps looping back to S. I will revisit the feelings and find that some things are new and some are the same. And I entertain again the idea of writing these feelings out in a letter. Or even to call and leave a voice message, since I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t pick up. But then I give myself a reality check. I look around the room and I’m like “he’s not here.” I think of the timeline and realize it’s been months. I notice that all of this is going on in my head. And then I remember that it is always best to let men come to their own conclusions and silence is usually more “persuasive” than a lot of talking.

    And so, instead of writing a letter, I package my feelings up and let them float out in a little bubble from my chest. I imagine this bubble floating across the country, where it may or may not be intercepted by S, and he may or may not hear the “message.” It is really just energy. Sometimes I try and focus on just making my energy soft. Or, like today, just trying to find my own wavelength rather than try and “make” it be something. The best people always show up when you are in your own personal vibration and the energy is clear. I don’t like to say “highest” because it implies a hierarchy. It’s not higher or lower and higher or lower might not be better or worse. It’s best whenever it is the best for you.

    So that’s my method right now. I can’t believe I haven’t let it go. It just feels like there is more that I can learn from it, still. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to cut my tues And move on. Maybe that’s what he did and I should do the same. So part of me feels like I want to do that with him, include him in it. Even though I know I can do it without him…

  213.  #213Helena Hart on January 16, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    Tereana – 211 – I LOVE this floating bubble image, and not having it attached to any sort of “outcome” – amazing!! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  214.  #214Indigo on January 16, 2014 at 8:51 pm


    We are all here for you, and I for one find it very energizing to provide love and support, and not draining in the least.

    My hopes are with you that this situation evens out xx

  215.  #215Tereana on January 17, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Helena – thank you! 🙂

  216.  #216Shannon on January 17, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Alright, so now that I understand it a smidge better, this is my thought on it…

    I’d cry all over him about how tired you feel. How exhausted and stressed and how afraid that you’ll lose your job because you’re so tired, that you’ll lose the house because it all feels so disproportionate when you’re tired…

    Let it go a little. Be super vulnerable. Go, as Rori says sometimes, “Full on GIRL” and then just walk away. Close your bedroom door and cry on your bed.

    Let him figure out that it’s the TV that’s the problem on his own. See what happens–be surprised!

  217.  #217Shannon on January 17, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Oops, post above was for Sophie. Sorry!!

  218.  #218Femininewoman on January 17, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Sophie please know that I believe you are showing a lot of strength by coming here and seeking some support instead of just losing it in front of him and carrying on like a run away train. For me it is not draining at all to read about your journey. I am learning a lot from it and getting a lot of reminders about what can work in a relationship.

    One thing I want to tell you is to remember that he is a man. He has an ego. In as much as I agree that what Shannon wrote is the righteous thing to do, as you say he will experience it as laying down the law or an ultimatum. Yes I believe it would be all our war in his male mind and as they are set to “WIN” in everything in life I believe he would go to autopilot. To a certain extent it is a reason I believe they might not be able to hear or see who is in front of them. They go to their “WIN” program like robots in such circumstances. What might change something is when you appeal to their humanity through emotions. I see it almost like sneaking around his defences.

  219.  #219Lisa on January 17, 2014 at 8:36 am

    @Dominique #197

    “Lisa – 177 – Yes it”s true that if this man is unable to commit at this time, then allowing yourself to fall for him would maybe not be the best idea, YET you feel what you feel. If nothing else, it would be great practice to share your feelings with him. you have nothing to lose after all. You are being real and authentic. And this is a wonderful thing whether it hurts or not.”

    I know I’m a very authentic person…and you are correct… except it seems like I’m always the one being real and authentic and sharing my feelings and loving… and I’m wondering when that will be returned….

    It’s embarrassing that I’m the one loving and being open all the time… I’ve always looked at it in a positive manner… that means I’m a open heart-ed person that isn’t afraid to love… but it also feels hard to have one sided relationships…

    Thanks so much! I’ll give it a try…<3


  220.  #220Dominique on January 17, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Lisa – Here is something to consider. Are you maybe looking for a man to be open to you in the same you are open? Maybe he’s being open, but it looks completely different. Maybe he has few or no words, but his eyes as he looks at you says it all. Or his touch. Or the way he looks out for you, after you.

    Remember too that many men tend not to be expressive with their feelings, i.e talk about them let alone discuss them.

    And this is not a negative. It’s simply a difference between most men and most women.


  221.  #221Elsie on January 17, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    Shannon – your post about hanging on to a carcass describes me. I’m in my early 40s too. I hung on to a man for almost 9 years in an 11 year marriage that was horrible. I was hanging on to a carcass. A shell. An empty shell of what was. I’m so glad I let that go. Every time I see him, I am reminded of the fact that I am so glad I let him go. I even think to myself “Thank you” to him, for constantly reminding me why I left.

  222.  #222carla on January 30, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    this story just melts my heart!!!!
    i love the synchronistic way of the universe.
    so full of surprises.
    i’ll have a romantic story just like this one! 🙂