A Have The Relationship You Want Success Story

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From Angela:

Hello Rori,

I hope you receive this, and that you might remember me… πŸ™‚

I just wanted to update you on my situation because your words of wisdom and the guidance I found from reading your e-book helped open my eyes and change my view of myself and my “part” in a relationship with a man and how to go about finding someone “right” for me.

The man about whom I contacted you about in Nov. ultimately was not “the one” for me for several reasons, though in the end we left things amicably and sometimes touch base as friends. No harm there as I no longer consider him as a potential romantic interest. And that was my choice.

I followed (among other chapters) the Do Nothing approach (“leaned back” as I believe your Certified Coach Tatia Dee calls it in her blog/video) after that experience in part because I started to see that if I did not focus more on me and my needs I could not be attractive to the type of man I hoped to find. It was not easy to recalibrate my approach to dating… Humbling, interesting, surprising. (Just to remind you that I separated from my husband of 20+ yrs in Dec 2015 and had recently turned 52 when I got your book last fall.)

Soooo. I took to heart so much of what you make available as well as your personal insight to me, and at a New Year’s Eve dinner I quite unexpectedly met a man who is a friend of a mutual friend.

Though we talked very little (the seating arrangements for the evening were not conducive to us chatting), he made a discreet move at the end of the night, as everyone was leaving, and said “Joan has my number. If you’d like to get together go ahead and ask her for it.” And I found that so nice because he left it really up to me — no pulling out his cell and saying “What’s your number, I’d like to go out sometime”, which would’ve put me on the spot in front of many people! I waited a few days and called Joan. She replied immediately with “He is one of the nicest people I know. He’s been a friend for 20+ years and separated a year more than you are. I wouldn’t surprised if you two hit it off”.

And we have. I have held my ground and remained true to what I need to do in my life and what my interests are and am not always available. But in just under 3 months we have developed a strong mutual interest in each other and enjoy each other’s company immensely. He is a man who is gracious, polite, fun, romantic, and smart yet I never feel any pressure nor do I feel that I am “competing” with him (which was the case with my ex).

Thank you, thank you! I know you probably have many women who contact you to let you know how well your approach has worked for them. So I am another and I think it’s always good to acknowledge when someone’s advice is so spot-on! And I thank you for having taken the time to answer me personally 4-5 months ago.

Happy Spring!

Love,
Angela

Here’s Angela’s first letter to me:’

Hello Melanie,

I bought Rori’s ebook day before yesterday and am devouring it! I am trying to adapt to as many things as I can as fast as I can, but I wanted to have a bit of advice on my current situation, which I am a bit anxious about.

I separated from my husband of 20+ years last December after at least 10 years of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I am incredibly pleased with where I am and how I have grown since then, and many people (friends, family, colleagues) have commented that I seem calmer, happier, prettier. I have no intentions of getting back with my husband.

But I am also lonely (and was in my marriage), and am just starting to spread my wings and get back not the dating scene and it is not easy!

I met a man at the beginning of this month thru an online service that we both were dissatisfied with and thought was filled with weirdos and we both left it. We texted a bit, talked on the phone several times (a lot of fun, he is very easy to talk to) and decided to meet. (He lives 2 hours from me and totally insisted on driving to meet me though in the end I was more comfortable meeting midday in another little city because I wanted the anonymity which is hard to have in the city of 50,000 where I live.)

So we met for one date Oct 15 >> lunch and then a couple hours of walking and chatting. He knew that I am cautious and “new” at dating again (I was 100% faithful in my marriage) and he was a perfect gentleman and made no moves the whole time except at the end when we said goodbye he kissed me, and then he asked if I was OK with it, which I thought was very cool and incredibly polite of him! And I was very OK with the kiss πŸ™‚

We exchanged a few texts for 2 days after, though no phone calls as he said the next day (Sunday) that he was home with the flu. In the last exchanges on Monday Oct 18 I texted to see how he was doing in the morning (my initiative — oops?), he replied “So-so, but I had to go to work” >> and I replied “Oh that’s too bad”. Then later that evening (9pm) I texted to see how his day went (OK, I now know: big oops and no-no!) –> he said he was still at work (puts in long hrs in an office + private clients), and I said “Me too” (I’m also working a lot).

But that was it — he disappeared. For 10 days after that last “Me too” text I heard nothing, texts or otherwise. I finally caved in last Wednesday and wrote him a rather nasty text that I felt I’d been strung along. But (he says…?) it turns out he had been sick in the hospital with a respiratory infection.

So (to cut to the chase) I felt stupid, apologized, and we’re back in touch. We spoke on the phone the next day (Thursday last week) — at my request (again, now I know, another no-no): “It would be nice to talk, all this texting is a bit unnatural for me” and he said OK I’ll call you in the afternoon — and did). << At the end he said he’d call again in the next few days, but hasn’t.

I am pretty sure he is not feeling well yet and trying to make up for lost time at work, regardless of my “intrusiveness” and wanting space from that. We had one last text exchange on Sunday in which I wrote him “When you fell better maybe we can talk or meet up. Feel better soon” And he answered “Thanks” and that’s it. No news or contact since.

I have recognized myself immediately in Rori’s descriptions of “over-doing it” and chasing him as the book explains (Chapter 6). Ooops oops oops. πŸ™

I now see that I’ve been in super over-kill mode (I received the newsletter “If He’s Acting Distant And Different, Read This Before You Do Anything” and it fits me to a “T”! But I am so impatient and would like to know if there is still anything I can say or do to indicate that I am sorry for the tone of my message when I didn’t know he was sick (on that point, a friend here encouraged me to write that jabbing message because she said “He’s stringing you along and you shouldn’t let him get away with it!”).

I stumbled onto Rori’s book ad (on Facebook?) a few days later and would like to know if just sitting her advice and “doing nothing” is really the best approach (after only ONE DATE!) or if there is anything, some guidance in putting it back on track and reassuring him that I am interested and desiring to know him better, or if you (or Rori) think it’s even possible!

My instinct (before even contacting you or having read Rori’s advice is to just do absolutely nothing now and wait and see, which will make me nuts because it’s just so counter to the way I usually am!).

What do you suggest? I really like this guy. Is it already a lost cause? How long do you think it will take before he “steps up”, or before I would have to accept that he lost interest? (I know you guys of course don’t have a crystal ball…) If it is a good idea to say/text/do anything, what would it be and when should I do it? I so appreciate anything you can suggest and will do my darned best to follow it! πŸ˜€

(Sorry this is so long!)

Thank you advance!

Angela

My Answer:

Angela, Brava to YOU! for everything you’ve done for yourself.

Now – it’s all new, and you’re like a pre-teen, only even less aware and experienced than a 12 year old might be!

Yes, – this is true.

You have absolutely no idea how dating works, and so, brava again for working with a really good man right out of the gate – and after you’ve met 50 men, you’ll have a much better idea of how this works. That’s not to say this man won’t work out…I’m talking about you becoming educated.

Please just keep reading the book over and over, and what you truly need is personal coaching to get up to speed quickly. You say you can’t afford it – so try the free closed Facebook groups of some of my Certified Coaches: Sami Wunder (amazing group), Heather Allison, Tatia Dee has a great inexpensive group going at www.powertolove.com – and she’s brilliant at Circular Dating.

Love, Rori

Angela’s Answer:

Wow that was an amazingly fast reply — thank you I am impressed and flattered! πŸ™‚

You are right — I am so new back in the game that I really do not remember at all how dating works. Ugh. And my personality is such that I want it all, and NOW (LOL, I am only partly joking though….)

I do not know if it’ll work with this guy but I so want the emotional buzz of enjoying a man’s company again, including the physical aspects. (By the way, how do you know he’s “a really good man”? (Nobody believes I am 52; most people think I am in my early 40’s or less!) << Hence I am not surprised that I attract men who are about 10 years younger.

John is actually the third man I have dated since February (separated in Dec.). George was the first, and a colleague (so me met in a “traditional” setting). But he was married and after 6-8 weeks that just didn’t work as he felt guilty (I didn’t — we’re both adults and each can make the choices right for them!), but he went back to work out his marriage.

The second man was Frank, and I met him on that stupid site; it that was an extremely frustrating and humiliating experience, for which I feel lucky it didn’t work out as I think (in retrospect) that he had/has some big psychological problems….

So with John (also from the site so I am wary and trying to protect myself in case he’s a wacko too), yet after that one date I am so attracted to him, but I am trying to proceed with my learning curve and take things slowly and learn to set my boundaries and respect the other’s too.

Your book has so many very interesting points (some of which to be honest are very similar to what my therapist has been putting to me for a while but for some reason your wording just makes some stuff “click”).

Like the DO NOTHING. I think this is where the difference is going to be made for me — with John or with another man. I need to learn to sit back and wait and be courted and not be so freaking controlling. Just let it happen.

I will go to the links you were so kind to suggest.

Thank you again!

Best, Angela

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14 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on March 23, 2017 at 1:04 pm

    I feel glad Angela is enjoying her love life now, and I feel confused… isn’t her calling this guy a lean forward move and him not asking for her number ?

    maybe it’s well for her since it worked for her that she didn’t want to be seen giving out her number, so maybe in a way its masculine and attentive to pick up her vibe and do it in a way that felt comfortable to her…. still there may be other ways to do that…

    I thought a guy should ask ive been seeing guys not asking as not masculine even not being masculine enough to handle the attention drawn and the pressure when asking a lady for a number in public… and the advice is not to call guys who do this?

    i get confused when stuff seems to be working out and everything does not seem to be ‘by the book’ as i understand the book.

    also yes not necessarily will stuff work out in her situation its possible she’s just momentarily satisfied…

    i feel freaked out as i would have written a guy off who didn’t ask me and also i would not have contacted him, maybe just let him know somehow to contact me, i would have felt like i was leaning forward…

    sigh… i feel frustrated getting confused ….



  2.  #2Daria on March 23, 2017 at 1:07 pm

    i feel panic and am judging myself and my boundaries as too tense and judgemental and actually they work for me and make me feel like im important and also seem to simplify my time, still im not really getting a lot of men who consistently step up and am feeling freaked out. tho i do get a lot of men , just seems they don’t continue to step up



  3.  #3Rori Raye on March 23, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    Daria! How great to hear from you! Panic? What’s triggering that – anything that just happened, or a growing sense of unease…?

    The key is, as always, the degree to which we’re willing to be vulnerable ourselves and accepting of a man. Men don’t step up if they’re not able -so that would mean your “picker” is off…or they don’t step up because they don’t feel inspired to – and that’s the Modern Siren thing….

    Judgment – not sure how you feel that “works” for you – but it’s pretty classic. We judge ourselves harshly, and so we instinctively judge everyone else harshly. Even if we don’t say anything – they can feel it. It’s all in the vibe. A man needs to feel safe, accepted and welcomed – and at the same time (which you provide PLENTY of, you’re such an amazing woman) feel thrilled and that he has to WORK to get us. Otherwise, he loses interest and is on to the next “shiny object.” Keep Riffing! you’re still the Queen of Riffing… Love, Rori



  4.  #4Daria on March 26, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks Rori – i meant my Boundaries work for me, not the judgements… hehe

    I would guess my picker is still off… sigh… I have not been dating as much – as in not online dating – the past few years and am just starting again full force

    I am still moving ahead in the level of feel good stuff I’m getting from men, and seem to be doing MUCH better now recently with the boundaries…

    so my panic comes from things that are perhaps little like seeing this story about Angela and how she was told by a man to reach out to him, and did, and seems satisfied with this, vs I would have not done this even if i liked him a lot, in order to practice not leaning forward. so when i see this example i feel panic that I’m doing ‘it’ wrong



  5.  #5Andrea on March 27, 2017 at 9:35 am

    Daria I feel reflective as well, and really relate to your wondering about this issue. I am in love, really in love, with a wonderful man who has spent the last six weeks treating my like the best woman he’s ever known. He calls, plans dates, is talking future and introducing me to his son at some point. I’m loving this.
    And now he is sick. Really sick. And I want to go to his home and take care of him!!! Every instinct in me wants to rush over to my baby boo and make him feel better!!!!

    But I also want to continue with my leaning back that has worked so well for me so far in this relationship.



  6.  #6Grace on March 29, 2017 at 10:40 am

    Daria – the best thing I learned from EMK is to have the mindset that 99% of the men aren’t going to be the right ones for me, and that it only takes one. It isn’t about the men we attract, because we are simply attractive and lots of men will show up. It’s about the ones we accept.
    I learned to not let the wrong ones get me down, and to toss the tossers faster – leaning back weeds them out very fast.

    LD, my partner, was the ‘wrong’ one- at first. We laugh now about it, and, the first time we danced he put his hands on my breasts! I put them back down and said I didn’t feel comfortable with that – the way he remembers is it me smacking his hands down, lol. Things fizzled out with him because apparently at the time he was interested in casual sex, so with me he wasn’t stepping up, I lost interest and I didn’t see him again for a few months.

    Once we started seeing other again a few months later (and I initiated this, from a pure, confident place, not a leany-forward place) – there were conversations about reaching out. He frequently suggested that I call him anytime, drop by anytime. I would smile and say thank you, I appreciate feeling welcome and invited, that feels good! And I didn’t do it, lol! Thank goodness, too, because there was at least a stretch of 10 days or so once where I didn’t hear from him and it took everything in me to stay on my horse and keep my focus elsewhere. In that time, though, he discovered he really MISSED me, and he started calling and making plans to see me even more frequently than before.

    Something he said to me that felt interesting is that once he realized I was serious about a ‘real’ relationship, he quit d!cking around and playing like a little boy and got serious himself, about me. Holding my boundaries showed that I was serious about a relationship on my terms, that I wasn’t going to settle, which only made me more attractive to HIM (and less attractive to men who simply weren’t right for me).

    Good boundaries are a HUGE turn-on for good men. They LIKE to be challenged, they want to know a woman can hold her own with him, they want to know they are with an equal who can look out for herself – which ironically has only made LD want to look out for me EVEN MORE. πŸ˜€ I would get up and leave abruptly after a couple of hours of cuddling and heavy petting, because it was time to go FOR ME, and he tells me now that it only made me more interesting to him. He *loves* to smile and laugh about how he realized he had to work a little harder to get me and how much that turned him on.



  7.  #7Grace on March 29, 2017 at 11:08 am

    It feels interesting to me to notice how much freer and more comfortable I feel sexually now that I’m in a committed, loving relationship. I didn’t realize how much I was ‘performing’ for other men until being with a man I feel full trust with. I didn’t realize how much fear I had about things with a man being all about the chase, and fear of how things would end or fall apart once the chase was over and he got what he wanted (sex, me living in his house). It feels interesting that LD had similar fears – that once I got what I wanted from HIM, once I had his heart, then I would disappear or things would fall apart. After the first time we made love, we both noticed these fears and that we were hypersensitive to any signals that the other was withdrawing.

    Once LD gave me his heart..it has been as if the passion of a thousand suns was unleashed. I have felt constantly challenged to stretch more and more and ALLOW myself to be loved like this. I laugh when I remember how I felt like I needed to be in a poly relationship because I need so much attention. This man has more attention and care for me than I can sometimes handle. I felt startled to hear from him that he thinks about me nearly constantly. I felt scared of the idea of someone thinking about me so much because in the past, I associated it with obsessiveness, with being stalked and harmed. I am his first thought in the morning and last thought before he sleeps at night. I felt amazed to hear that it brings him so much joy to think of me so much, that he enjoys it and deems it to be GOOD for him and adds value to his life. Thinking of me inspires his work, inspires his plans for the future, has inspired him to quit smoking, inspires him to be more playful and creative.

    What I love and appreciate about what I’ve learned from Rori, is that it really is all about our inner game. If I had bought into the beliefs that I am just a lowly, uneducated blue-collar worker/small-town girl, and that I shouldn’t set my sights too high, I wouldn’t be here. I started telling myself that I am a QUEEN, and …wow do I ever have a King by my side now. Not only that, but the men at work started calling me the Queen, out of the blue, haha. πŸ˜€

    Thank you thank you thank you, Rori…

    happythankyoumoreplease!!



  8.  #8Gemini Goddess on March 30, 2017 at 9:20 pm

    Hi All-

    I’m back. What a couple years since last I was a regular here. Last summer D and I got engaged (yay!). Great story for another time. I was like a RR leaned back, sensuous, love-scripted, jedi goddess. He would just stare at me with confused, elated, adoration…the look every woman wants.

    Then I slipped back to old, subtly controlling, carrot and stick, clinched fist, demanding, displeased ways. Yuck. I totally fell off the wagon. I wasn’t “getting my way”. I got angry and scared of losing control. I freaked out and broke it off (and in a very NOT choosing my words kind of way).

    Great news is he’s still in the bubble. He wants to work it out. What a guy. Seriously. Way to see my crap and hang in there. Thank heavens I at least remembered not to crowd him, and let hi come to me. He’s on a college tour with his son and back in two weeks, so…back to the videos and books for me. Full immersion.

    Wish me luck πŸ™‚



  9.  #9Ella on March 31, 2017 at 12:00 am

    Hi Gemini Goddess!

    Welcome back after 2 years!

    Way to catch yourself though. This is lifelong work! I am also back after a 2 year hiatus!!



  10.  #10Feminewoman on March 31, 2017 at 10:43 am

    Wow GG and Ella so great to see you’re back



  11.  #11Gemini Goddess on March 31, 2017 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks, Feminewoman. It feels so grounding just to see your familiar “name”.

    Ella – Welcome back to you, too! I read back a bit, and it sounds like you’ve been through it. Let’s both get back on the horse, so to speak. πŸ™‚



  12.  #12Ella on March 31, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    Hi Feminine Woman!

    So good to see you here πŸ™‚



  13.  #13Ella on March 31, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    Gemini Goddess – Yes, sounds good to me! πŸ™‚



  14.  #14Heather on April 19, 2017 at 9:36 am

    I have been reading Untethered Relationships by Chris Moon, visionmountain.com, and his book tells us how to looks at our relationships within the realm of emotional adulthood and to realize that certain aspects will change and things will arise that we don’t necessarily appreciate but that they are all parts of the relationship and they can be the things that you come to appreciate about the person more! It’s a great read and a good reference when dealing with new relationships and making the long term ones better.