A Man Is Never The Problem

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bad boy1. A Man Is Never “The Problem”

We’re all on our paths, everything is unfolding “as it’s supposed to…” – and wherever a man is on his path is not the issue.

At every moment, you have an opportunity to be open to what’s next for you.

Every moment you get to make a new step.

And if you’re guided by old patterns, instinctive actions and words, subconscious prompting, your “ego” mind – you will repeat the same love-blocking patterns until you decide to step again – perhaps in a new and different and unknown way.


2. Therefore – The Only Questions To Ask Are:

How am I participating in where I am now that is not helping me be available to the next step that might be guided by something more organic and loving to myself?

Who am I saying I am?

Why am I here?

What am I engaging in?

What do I want? (More like this…)….

and the time it takes to answer these questions ( a moment or a lifetime) is the time we’ll spend wherever we are.


3. If You Are, In Any Way, Engaged In A “Power Struggle:

…your focus is in a place that will keep you stuck.

Eliminating that view altogether will leave you in a softer place from which you can move to a more satisfying next step.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Heart on May 16, 2013 at 7:17 am


  2.  #2Linda on May 16, 2013 at 7:44 am

    I LOVE this post!

    Exactly where my focus is.

    Being in touch with the answers to these types of questions and more like them has been key to the forward movement in my life.

    At times I am amazed at how different I feel.

    BRAVA for this post!

  3.  #3Eve on May 16, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Rori! I love your posts. They are so zen, but also very warm and fuzzy. It’s duality, but softer 🙂

  4.  #4IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 7:55 am

    THIS post is great!

    I do disagree with the last post.

    I can’t speak from experience, but most ladies seem to agree that even if we might “want to” be able to sleep with men without significant emotional attachment, most of the time, that is NOT what happens!

    Even the writer of the post was “wanting more” from her sexual partner. She seemed to feel vulnerable and scared of getting used for sex.

    Even though it sexuality might “work differently” for men, I still personally believe that sleeping with more than one woman is emotionally detrimental to men as well.

    Sex wasn’t designed purely for ecstasy and selfish gratification.

    yes, sexuality was designed to be enjoyed, explored, and experienced ALMOST without limits.

    The limit and boundary for sexuality is within the marriage union.

    THAT is the only safe place for it.

    Where there is mutual love, respect, and commitment on the part of BOTH parties.

    It only becomes confusing, scary, and dangerous outside of the marriage union.

    That’s where disease, unwanted pregnancy (you know men and women LOVE to know that they weren’t “wanted” by their parents), abortion, sexual abuse, trauma, all of it comes from…

    Not backing down on this sex issue, Rori.

    But I do appreciate you!

    Just think about it.

    again, I can’t speak from experience, but I know from speaking with many friends who slept around before marriage that they regret it after finally finding the person who wants ALL of who they are.

    The memories, visualizations, emotions, and CHILDREN resultiing from those sexual escapades don’t ever go away…

    I feel good exploring all of this…

  5.  #5Mercedes on May 16, 2013 at 8:06 am

    “We all have memories of being on holiday, watching the sun set over the sea or the mountains, and the sense of awe and wonder we get as teh sky lights up in shades of red, pink and gold, that feeling of peace and connectedness. Yet the sun sets every day when we’re at home, too, and we barely notice.” – Maya Fiennes – “Yoga for Real Life”

    Much Love,

  6.  #6Francesca on May 16, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Great reminder. We can only be responsible for ourselves. Talking with a friend yesterday I commented how I was seeking validation from the man and had given him the power to make me feel good or bad. She replied supportively that it was not all my fault because he was actively trying to make that be the case. Immediately I responded, “I had to let him.” Blaming him doesn’t make me feel better. Taking steps to resolve my issues makes me feel empowered. Nothing is about him.
    Today is hard for me, though. I saw him from afar for the first time in weeks and I just feel sick. I don’t know how to healthily move through it. I don’t want to deny my feelings or blow them out of proportion. o keep practicing turning inward and noticing my feelings rather than acting on them. I don’t want to THINK about it or him anymore. I want to think about ME!!!

  7.  #7Femininewoman on May 16, 2013 at 8:38 am

    I just feel sick – Francesca what does sick feel like?

  8.  #8BeLoved on May 16, 2013 at 8:46 am

    “If You Are, In Any Way, Engaged In A “Power Struggle:
    …your focus is in a place that will keep you stuck.”

    I’m feeling un-stuck since I decided to stay in TX for now, and focus on saving $$ and my education, and being here for the birth of my grandchild.

    I feel like so much of my relationship with T was about power struggle.

    I’ve heard, when you let go of the struggle, there is no struggle.
    I’ve leaned way way way back with T, nothing is happening there. As far as I can tell, he made up a whole new unsolvable problem that isn’t really a problem that doesn’t really need to be solved to focus his attention on for the next 5-10 years (his time estimate). M’kay. I accept that! I love you, enjoy your problem! 🙂

    I used to argue and fight with him when he’d retreat that way, POWER STRUGGLE, now I feel so disinterested in engaging. I do feel somewhat fascinated with describing what I see, and I trust that will fall away as I find other, more fulfilling interests to feel fascinated with.

    Focus on me.

  9.  #9BeLoved on May 16, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Hearing C being rowdy outside just now reminds me of another power struggle I bowed out of, the struggle to win the unavailable man.

  10.  #10seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 9:10 am

    …………….giggling…………… and so there it is! Wrapped up in three steps………… a “How To Be Happy” in three easy steps………. LOVE THIS!!! wrote it down and put in my wallet for easy access when I get in my head and not my heart. I was about to write ” The PROBLEM arises when dealing with the the details of following the steps”…..DOH!!!!!!!! It FELT wrong!!! There is no problem…….. dealing with……… details………….that right there is all EGO telling me it’s hard! BS!!!! It’s love that happens and can slip around and through and melt and be absorbed INTO MYSELF!!!!! FROM MYSELF! Then I will radiate it out for all my fellow humans……. and to share in their glowing hearts…… I feel so light and free when I imagine that, feels so open and smiling gently. My eyes feel relaxed and no squity stuff around my face………… feels gentle. In three easy steps………….Thank you

  11.  #11Femininewoman on May 16, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

    — Louise Erdrich

  12.  #12Femininewoman on May 16, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Freely Express your Sensual and Sexual Self

    Your sexual energy is the energy of life. You are a sexual being created from sexual energy. If you are not comfortable experiencing pleasurable sexual
    sensations, you are strangling your energy channels. That is why your desires have difficulty manifesting. The more you experience those exotic erotic
    feelings within you, the more your body’s energy will open up and allow you to naturally experience higher levels of health, creativity, productivity, freedom, abundance, happiness and enjoyment in life.

    Allow yourself to experience yourself as an alive sensual and sexual being all day long. Let the sensual and sexual energy flow throughout your entire body. By letting yourself explore these sensual and sexual feelings anytime they arise,
    in any circumstance or situation, you gain the ultimate sense of freedom. Sexual freedom is a state of permission, which has been insanely suppressed all around the world. When you are sensually alive, there is an enjoyable exploration of
    your entire body.

    Sexual freedom is what we all want, every person wants to be sexually liberated. It is to be the sensual and sexual being that you are. It is to look into members of the opposite sex with the message that you could greatly please them sexually, to show them that you could cause them to have great feelings of enjoyment, excitement and satisfaction. When others can feel there’s so much to gain by being with you through the sensual and fun loving nature you project, they will be irresistibly drawn to you.

    – Excepts taken from Article on Mind Reality (Freely Express your Sensual and Sexual Self)

  13.  #13Syreena on May 16, 2013 at 9:37 am

    I agree I am his.

  14.  #14Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:38 am

    freakin Rori … is amazing! I feel supported !!

  15.  #15seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 9:38 am

    10 and 11 FW- That is beautiful and I feel very pleased by reading them,Thank you FW

    From the last thread Andrea 75- I feel in agreement with what you so perfectly wrote! Thanks for puttting that up there, it’s lovely!

  16.  #16Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:41 am

    you know im feeling really pist off reading all these ‘sexual mores’ stuff…

    i don’t want to hear or read that ~

    i feel pist!

    i feel like washing it all away in a flood

    my upper lip feels hot

    i don’t want to be enslaved!

    i don’t want to be controlled!


  17.  #17IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

    @10 FW – gorgeous quote, thanks for sharing.

    @11 FW – I feel curious reading that. I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with that.

    “…which has been insanely suppressed all around the world.”

    True in a sense, but it is also true that it has been insanely exploited and abused…

    “It is to look into members of the opposite sex with the message that you could greatly please them sexually, to show them that you could cause them to have great feelings of enjoyment, excitement and satisfaction.”

    …I feel unsure reading this.

    I think it’s important/powerful/liberating to realize your true potential as a whole, sexually attractive human being,

    but I also think it’s important that there is a proper time and place (mature age, and within marriage) to FULLY express that…

    It feels dangerous and unhealthy to become overly sexual/sensual with “everyone out there.”

    Do I believe that we should “hide” our gorgeous, sensual selves? No, not at all. We spend far too much time “suppressing” all that we are…

    but I also know, and I think everyone knows, that there are a lot of people out there who abuse sexuality and sensuality.

    Pain always follows irresponsible sex.

    and yes, you could go around “excuding your sexuality” but limits are necessary, just as limits with food, recreation, work, excercise, and other activities are necessary.

    Too much or not enough results in imbalance.

    I’m not voting that we should “suppress” our sexuality as women.

    Not at all…

    I’m voting that we should “express” it as fully as possible, within the proper limits…

  18.  #18Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

    i feel sad at the desperate self unknowing i imagine for those enslaved by the fears and limits… for my own i remember and

    what if im experiencing them now, and healing

  19.  #19Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:44 am


  20.  #20Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:45 am

    hmmm interesting… i’m in ‘battle mode’

    i feel angry and… defensive like im being attacked… and anxious?

    i feel unhappy


  21.  #21Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:45 am

    i feel urge to read more and launch inot battle

    i love my hot hot lava !

  22.  #22IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

    I’ll be sure to get back to you ladies after I’ve lost my virginity and learned to fully enjoy and experience sex with my husband.

    I know some people might feel regret after sexual experiences, and I know people think I don’t understand, and honestly, I probably don’t fully…

    I just want to explore another viewpoint, which I happen to embody…

    Feeling a little judged right now…

    am I judging?


    I’m just speaking from what I’ve heard from others, as I can’t speak from experience, but hope to be able to in the future…

  23.  #23Daria on May 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

    i feel unfocused eyes

    i feel unheld

    i lovee myself

  24.  #24IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Enslavement to me feels like being a slave to abandonment, disease, and fear of unplanned pregnancy with someone who hasn’t committed to you…

  25.  #25seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 9:49 am

    11- In reading this again…………… and mixing in with Andrea’s post I feel like a bee hive again…. I am remembering what it felt like from seemingly so long ago. A beehive………….. my sensual side is the low buzzing that stays within me……….. Inside, all the golden treasure, the sweetest honey from my glorious feelings, and the queen bee there in all her majesty………. and the bears that come sniffing around to want all the deliciousness that is myself to share………… a never ending supply of sweet siren me! Thank you!

  26.  #26seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Daria! Hi there!! Big hugs to you!!! Here……….. have some honey sweet siren:)

  27.  #27IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 9:52 am

    (((((Daria)))))) – I know we disagree on this issue, but I see you and I hear you…

  28.  #28seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Ohhhhhhh…………… feeling uncomfortable now. I don’t like judging……. grammy’s voice……….. Seahorse! How many miles have you walked in that persons shoes??????? Peace and love to me and to you. Thank you

  29.  #29IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 9:58 am

    @24 seahorse – I like this image. 🙂

    I feel so curious.

    So much of our sexuality is “who we are,” but it feels sacred to only give “all of who we are” to those who have truly WORKED TO EARN “all of who we are.”

    G0D is truly the only one who will ever have or ever know “all of who we are,” but I believe that fully expressing our sexuality is something to be cherished and preserved within limits…

    Feeling a little guilty for writing this on the “wrong post…”

    Feeling good, too.

  30.  #30IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 10:05 am

    I’m thinking about so many friends who saved themselves for their husbands and were left by those husbands…

    I’m thinking about women who were tragically widowed…

    I’m thinking about all you ladies and the pain and loneliness you’ve been through…

    I don’t want to appear small-minded.

    but I do think there is beauty in simplicity and purity.

    Do I consider myself “pure?”

    Not even!

    I’m not trying to be “holier than thou” or to look down on any beautiful women who have made different choices than me…

    this is simply a path that I’m choosing, and an experience that I’m saving…

    I won’t suppress “who I am,” but I will suppress who is exposed to the “exposed” me, if you will…

  31.  #31Shar Lean Way Back on May 16, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Seahorse, 24 that is a beautiful image. Thank you

  32.  #32seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 11:48 am

    28 Iamhis

    I feel somewhat confused. I think ‘all of who we are’ and ‘work to earn’ and sharing is feeling jumbled in my head.

    I feel so different now than i did before about myself and my journey with others on their own journeys going on around me. Everything looks and FEELS, kinder almost, deeper. For myself, I am feeling better being open and sharing who I am with other folks. Male, female, dogs, cats, trees, birds………….. it is infinite. Just like my insides, the honey can flow forever and ever now. Before it was all stopped up, blocked, protected, greedy, hungry, scared, vengeful………………… now I share, as I feel better doing this. And in doing so, I receive and I feel so surprised sometimes by the love that comes back in so many ways. It truly amazes and astounds me. I am also remembering Zara’s post on how it looks to share sexually with in relationship. And thats her belief and vision, I feel super duper great when I remember that post. Then there are others who feel differently about sharing and growing self through their sensual side. I feel so proud……. just tickled to my toes that they feel like that. I feel great when I read that too.

    There are so many different views and all are beautiful. All of us are so beautifully different. All FEELING their way on their journey. WE ALL SO ROCK!!!

  33.  #33seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Your welcome Shar!!!! hahahahahahhaah!!!! I so want some honey now!!!!!! hahahahahaha!!!!

  34.  #34seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Iamhis is beautiful too. On her very own horse trotting along learning and expressing her feelings. This I see as beautiful too. I feel humbled. And I feel so shiny too. And my fingers are sticky from the honey I just ate! 🙂

  35.  #35IamHis on May 16, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks for being respectful, seahorse. 🙂 I feel heard and seen.

  36.  #36Turquoise on May 16, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    The man is never “the problem”….. because we have a choice to choose something different. If only it were that easy, how detached you must feel from that person, to walk away and choose something else, even if it’s right, to love yourself enough to go for what you want, or be in the type of relationship you feel you want…. Mostly, that hasn’t been my experience. It feels tragic sometimes to leave a relationship, having children, mutual friends, a long history, shared family, a home, expenses….

    I’m not looking for a big debate, but this reads to me as, if men are never the problem, then we therefore, must always be the problem. I don’t believe that’s true. A relationship is based on two people…. usually you get to where you are because of choices you both make. I get that the point here is to choose yourself first, but it also reads to me as, all our responsibility to make the relationship work.

    Is anyone else feeling a similar take on this?

  37.  #37Femininewoman on May 16, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Turquoise – nope not me. No one is the problem. Just different. The perspective makes a difference.

  38.  #38Dominique on May 16, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Not me either Turqoise. It’s not about he not being the problem, and she is.

    It’s about you having the choice to accept him as he is. or leave. This is of course simplistic. A good man will be wanting to create a good relationship too.

    And the more you work on you, the more he will come along for the ride. Do you go first? Usually yes. Have you read this one? It may help.



  39.  #39Francesca on May 16, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    @ feminine woman
    When I feel sick when I see him or think of seeing him, it feels like I just got the wind knocked out of me and I am suddenly weak. I feel nauseous, shaky, and dizzy. My reaction is to try and steel myself, close off, and distract myself from the feeling. But I am experimenting with acknowledging it and accepting it as ok, but not permanent. In the past I would steel myself so much that I would invent reasons why it didn’t matter and I wasn’t really hurt or upset because why should I care, etc etc. Now the I am wondering how do I be honest with myself about how I am feeling without going to the extreme of wallowing. I have always believed that thoughts are powerful, so thnking “I am sad” is a bit scary for me. I am used to convincing myself that I am fine.

  40.  #40Francesca on May 16, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    @ Turquoise 35
    I can see how you might perceive it that way. I took it as scapegoating and blaming the man are not going to solve anything. Yes he may very well be doing things that are problematic for the relationship, but that is not your problem. Your problem can only be how you act/react because ultimately you have no control over him. Trying to change him is a losing battle. It doesn’t simply mean walking away, it just means doing your part to the best of your ability honoring your feelings and communicating them, then setting your boundaries.
    I feel like getting caught up in what he is doing wrong takes my focus off of my heart and what I need.

  41.  #41Syreena on May 16, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    “It’s about you having the choice to accept him as he is. or leave. This is of course simplistic.”


    Once you are married, you would need somewhere else to go and to be in a financial able position to do that.

    That takes time, even women who are living with abusive partners sometimes are advised to stay until they have put some money aside etc, if they actually able to do this as some of the time the man will have all the control of the money.

    Some people really still are in helpless and powerless situations even in this century.

    Although I get some are not.

  42.  #42seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Turq- I didn’t read it as a problem. I took it as, it’s no good blaming somebody for what “I” am feeling. For whatever the situation may be. I feel so good sharing happiness though. And sometimes the sadness needs a hug so that gets shared and lightened………. I love me now where before I had no idea so much of me existed………. I didn’t know I could be more and make better choices………… wow, I hope this makes sense. I feel hopeful.

  43.  #43seahorse on May 16, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    I am smiling because i figured out why I got triggered when writing my response to Turq…………. #40 got me!!! Syreena!!! hehehehehehe! Thanks!!

  44.  #44Luzydel on May 16, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Men are not the problem; nor the solution!

    Thinking about men makes me feel stressed and “yucky”. I cannot accept them as thy are, so it may never work for me.

    I am starting to feel happier again, but I am not dating anyone. I am happier when I give myself the attention, I give to men.

    I do not want a man anymore, I do not want marriage or a committed relationship anymore. I just want to be happy right now… I am tired of thinking about the future and future men. Yuck, Yuck Yuck! Now I am happy, with or without someone, NOW is my time and I am single with no men near me and this is my present.

    I am giving up! and giving up is a good thing for me… no more men chasing… just gonna be open to anything and do what I want.

  45.  #45Luzydel on May 16, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    I just don’t know what’s going on inside of me. Just too many things and all I want is to feel good. I envy those monks who find inner peace and happiness with solitude.

  46.  #46Zia on May 16, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Francesca #38: Beautifully written, I have been where you are. And I have found that by feeling the sadness and experiencing it, it passes far quicker and there is less “wallowing”. I find the wallowing used to happen by my convincing myself I was ok when I wasn’t, avoiding the bad feelings, so that when the bad feelings DID come up, they were far worse and led to far more wallowing.

  47.  #47MovingMagic on May 16, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I love sex & I love the experiences I’ve had along the way. I don’t regret the f-buddies I’ve chosen to explore. I’ll keep the memories locked away like the diaries I wrote in as a child. Memories to be smiled upon from time to time. A smile that remembers only the warmth and understanding between an adult man and woman seeking comforting embraces. It all comes down to how we choose to receive these experiences.

  48.  #48Indigo on May 16, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Dominique #14 from previous thread,

    Yes, I really do see that now. I really, really do.

    I can’t wait to get your video programme!

    For me, that’s what this post above is about – healing your relationships by healing yourself. For me, the healing has been slow and beautiful, but the rewards I’ve seen in my relationships have been so worth it!

  49.  #49Indigo on May 16, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Turquoise 35,

    I’ve often found that when I’m feeling that way, as in, why do I always have to change, why is he never the problem? – that it’s a sure sign that I am not tending to my boundaries sufficiently, and resentment is starting to creep in because I’ve either given too much, or not made my boundaries sufficiently clear in a calm way.

    I’m not sure if this helps you but I’ve found that it is absolutely essential to combine “working on yourself” with proper clear yet gentle boundaries for others in my life.

  50.  #50Indigo on May 16, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    R phoned me last night and wants to take me out into the countryside for lunch on Saturday for our fourth date. Yet what I really loved was that I couldn’t talk for long, and before I was about to say goodbye, he said “so when can we get together again?” Total keenness. And I thought, so this is how it’s supposed to work.

    And then I went to dinner at D’s house where I got smiled at and treated nicely, and though I went to the shops to get everything for dinner, he paid for it all and lets me get whatever I want, within reason, and he cooked it. And he put his hand on my leg and gently snuggled me on the couch afterwards.

    This circular dating thing is fun!

  51.  #51Indigo on May 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I feel, quite literally, incredible. Beautiful and filled up with gentle, warm acts of masculine energy towards me.

  52.  #52angela on May 16, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    i feel dumb for asking about this but i wanted to know how you would handle a situation like this.
    same guy i have been talking about since i started writing on this blog.
    the story goes like this .
    i saw this really handsome guy eyeing me when i moved into a new place.
    i go on daily walks and well we started with hellos and it never went further than that.
    and yet still i felt his interest. so i got kinda obsessed so i stepped way back.
    and i felt his energy stronger he would come next to me and say how are you, finally i see you again and i would get all shy.
    then i saw him with a girl in a car.
    so i said to myself how is this he flirts (what i perceived as flirting )so much and yet theres a woman in his life.
    ok so today i see him we begin to talk he asks me how i am i say good getting used to the neighborhood and he replied well “WE actually have been living here for a while been ….”
    i pretended like i didnt hear the we part and said ok i’ll see you later.
    and now i am here and the gf stuff doesnt hurt the part that hurts is me reading the signs so wrong i feel like i will never ever in my life be able to trust myself for allowing this to happen.
    and even after i heard the we theres hope.
    i feel in my heart i am over thinking this but dont know how to move forward without finding some closure to this confusion.
    how do i act next time i see him?
    when he clearly saw my shyness and interest for him?
    i feel like a dumb little girl for asking this and i know most of you are beyond this and not to make excuses but i am only 22 and i think at this age this is how well relationships start.
    anyway thank you and maybe now i have an upper hand i dont have to be so immature because i have roris tools

  53.  #53Emerson on May 17, 2013 at 12:03 am

    43 luzydel wow that’s powerful
    Thank you for writing that

  54.  #54Syreena on May 17, 2013 at 1:33 am

    43: & 44 Luzydel.

    I so get you. Have felt the same many times.

  55.  #55sophie on May 17, 2013 at 2:00 am

    Really great post, one that I feel I need to read over and over as it has something different in it for me every time I read it.

    “you will repeat the same love-blocking patterns until you decide to step again” – feel frustrated by my ‘love blocking patterns. Feel I may be in one again. Feel NV like maybe I’m not trying hard enough – Feel blank mind when I think about ‘why am I here in this situation with this man’. But…feel proud ‘cos I can also see my progress – especially in bringing awareness to all the situations I have with men. I can accept ‘my choice’ in being with the men ‘I choose’ and I feel frustrated by my choices.

    (((Indigo))) I am loving your updates I want to say how do you do it? how do you do it? 🙂 But I also kind of now I have to take it one step at a time when I feel frustrated cos I want an enormous leap 🙂

    (((SIRENS)) When Rori says question one “who am I saying I am?” what do you take from this? Is she asking us to look at where we may be being false about ourselves and our wants and desires and what we may or may not take?

    (((Angela))) I would like to say not to beat yourself up ‘dumb little girl’ for feeling confused by this mans behaviour. It reminds me of what Rori teaches about ‘imaginary relationships’. It is very easy for us sometimes as women to see things very differently from men; we attribute different meanings to situations and that does not make us wrong. It has helped me beyond belief to learn how men can be different from women and how a flirtation, a love affair or even a ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ situation can be invested with more meaning by women than by men. In my understanding (the understanding that has helped me) we see things differently.

  56.  #56Syreena on May 17, 2013 at 2:01 am

    It feels so difficult to stay in the moment and not let get distracted from obtrusive thoughts from the past play over in our head like we are watching a film.

    Also I don’t really want to deny or forget theses thing as they are part of my learning.

    It feels so difficult to accept the reality of what these lessons have taught me.

    It takes a long tme for someones true colours to show.

    One man who appeared sweet and kind on the surface when I first met him and for a few months. As time went on I got to see underneath the mask of sweetness.

    It feels very difficult for me not to judge him. Goes on holiday to Thailand and reveals how he goes to brothels paying young girls etc.
    Tells me how him and his friends only want asian women now back here in the uk, And make regular trips back to Thailand As Asian women are taught that men are to be worshiped especially white men. Goes into details about how these women are like slaves doing everything the man desires, how beautiful they are.
    They are old men 50, 60 ,70.
    And these girls so very young.
    It breaks my heart.

    I see them bring out these such young girls out with them.
    They are adorable girls, no denying. They sit there like perfectly behaved children. Whilst these men talk and socialize with other women. They Ignore these beautiful girls whilst out on there date with them, they sit their like beautiful pets or accessories

    I asked if he or any of the other men are going to marry are they in love.

    His reply. Oh no, with look of horror on his face. We are not that stupid. He then tells me again what they do. Dress them shave them, etc etc. amongst other things. How is that for over functioning around a man than.

    It just feels so hard not to judge. Not to really dislike what they are doing to these girls.

    I am in no power struggle to get them to change. I just feel so deeply sad about it.

    I know to do my best to get my energy away from these men, but part of me does wish to help the girls.

    Any thoughts?

  57.  #57sophie on May 17, 2013 at 2:05 am

    ((Luzydell)) I love that too – men are not the problem nor the solution.

    I feel bored and tired when I get to thinking about them all the time. It feels liberating to take my focus off them completely and just invest in me. genuinely (sometimes) its nice to just not have any of them in my life. I think I can remember only one time when I actually had not a single man on my mind not before I went to sleep, not when I woke up and not during the day. It felt lovely! And then…so so quickly I went another!

  58.  #58Kath on May 17, 2013 at 3:06 am

    Wonderful!!- I feel at peace again!- He’s been away since Tuesday, we have had no contact and I have focussed on healing me and getting myself back to a place of calm-and its worked. I have some sorting out of my finances to do but I shall do that next weekend and in the next month I will be planning to move to a home of my own. Ooh and you’ll never guess what!- I have a date tonight!- with a guy who I guess you could call my x-fck buddy!- how funny is that!!??!!- I’m going to enjoy the flirting!

  59.  #59MovingMagic on May 17, 2013 at 3:44 am

    I feel empowered when I read Roris articles. I’m always reminded that I have choices. I don’t have to be anywhere I don’t want to be.

  60.  #60Indigo on May 17, 2013 at 3:59 am

    sophie 54

    Thank you so much 🙂 I can tell you quite categorically that I was not always in this place, yet I committed myself to my own healing and happiness.

    In a nutshell, it comes from believing you have something of such tremendous value, something of such great beauty to offer. You are a treasure and you are so precious. First you have to *really* believe that yourself, your own value and worth, and then you gently and calmly start requiring that anyone who wants to get close to you feels the same way about you. And when you truly see your own beauty and value, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to see the beauty and value in others and in the world around you.

    Quite simply, I set gentle boundaries with absolutely every person who comes into my life. People value more that which they cannot always have on their own terms, and want to get closer to such a person. Though I don’t do it for that reason, I do it because I value my time, my energy, my feelings and what I have to give. And I try to treat others with the same level of care.

    All of this happened over time, and I still have a way to go.

  61.  #61Veronica on May 17, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Indigo – I just feel such sunshiney pleasantness when I read how well things are going for you. Thank you so much for sharing.

  62.  #62LoveAlways on May 17, 2013 at 5:17 am

    Good morning sirens. Read something today that moved me! This is a quote from coach Sonja from Elsa Elsa:
    ” you get triggered by someone, as best as you can, take it as an opportunity to see where this trigger originated — probably in your childhood. Bring love and compassion to yourself as you are… and as you were. Give permission for any feelings this may stir up in you: A feeling is just energy that wants to be experienced; it wants to move through us and out.

    The more we resist our feelings, the more we hold them in place. As best as you can, move from the head to the heart. What if you gave 5% more compassion to yourself? To others? What if you just suddenly had faith in the healing process? ”



  63.  #63CurvySiren10 on May 17, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Indigo, you amaze me. It sounds to me like you are in such a great place with self-awareness and understanding. I feel SO happy reading your updates and how you are rocking the circular dating right now. 🙂 🙂

  64.  #64Linda on May 17, 2013 at 6:03 am

    57 – Kath – GOOD to READ!

    Moving forward … Yeah!

  65.  #65Linda on May 17, 2013 at 6:55 am

    IamHis – I read all your posts.

    I lived my life as you are. I was what you aspire to be when you get married, saved myself etc… “I followed the teaching you are, did it the “right” way as your posts strongly imply .

    My efforts and life journey did NOT produce the fruit you are idealisitcally expecting (as I did too)….I do hope you get different results.

  66.  #66Kath on May 17, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Thanks Linda!

    I’m getting there!- Saw my Counsellor today which was great, she helped me see that I have once again been drawn to someone who is damaged. If he could see that it is he who has the issues that need to be worked through then there could be a chance for us- but I know in my heart that he won’t see that. He is too busy nursing his wounds and blaming me for his behaviour and actions. I can’t live with that and I don’t accept it. Unfortunately I now have to sort out my finances so that I can afford to pay my own rent somewhere. That’s my weekend sorted then!

  67.  #67Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Today’s Daily Inspiration

    There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

    — John Lennon

  68.  #68sophie on May 17, 2013 at 7:50 am

    (((Indigo))) thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience – I love the emphasis on ‘gently’ and I feel that comes across in your words too. Gently is key for me at the moment. I am learning how to do everything much more gently and it feels good – little step my little step. I always need to remind myself to be more gentle with my gentle heart too. I have been having moments the last couple of days when i’ve been ferociously wanting an answer (within myself) to ferociously protect my gentle heart but little by little gently letting go I feel much easier and safer xx

  69.  #69sophie on May 17, 2013 at 7:54 am

    ((Lovealways))) thank you for sharing this – I found this the other day when I was triggered by something I saw as criticism. I felt able to identify with feeling criticised and hence ashamed. I was then able to give myself lots of love and compassion and try to see things from the other person’s point of view also with lots of compassion (we were both coming from very different but equally valid ‘triggers’).

  70.  #70sophie on May 17, 2013 at 7:56 am

    (((Kath))) good luck with sorting out your finances – it may feel empowering! I think, even if you are in different homes, you can still work with the relationship if you choose to…

  71.  #71sophie on May 17, 2013 at 8:00 am

    (((FW))) great quote! it reminds me in the course of miracles where it teaches something like all that is not love is fear. I have had that in my mind a lot recently – I have a LOT of fear in my life and I am introducing as much as possible self love and self soothing instead of feeling paralysed by fear or defensive because of fear.

  72.  #72Sweetie on May 17, 2013 at 8:02 am

    hi ladies,

    I have a question or whether or not I should express my feelings on missing my ex-boyfriend. We broke up in March after 7 years together (we lived together too). He said he wasn’t 100% happy and thought there might be someone out there better for us and decided he wanted break up. After a lot of crying and sitting with my feelings, I moved out and excepted his decision. I only reply back to his contact. He invited me over to dinner a few weeks ago when I had to get a package that was mistakenly delivered to his house. I had to work so I was only there for an hour. It was pleasant and I was open and happy to see him. Then last week it was the 1 year anniversary of our dog passing and he texted me to say he was thinking about me. Then he asked me if I wanted to come over to do something special to memorialize the dog. I said that would feel wonderful and thank you for asking. Today his sister had her baby and he texted me first thing to tell me what she had and the name. I just said, “Awe that is great, congratulations! ” I feel open and good when I talked to him, but it is also making me miss him and our relationship a lot. I don’t want to tell him to stop contact me because I honestly don’t want him to stop. I just don’t want to miss him…especially if he doesn’t want to be back together and he is just doing this because it is comfortable. I want to send him a feeling message, but I am not sure if I should. Should I just let things be and go take care of me (which I am, btu I still cant stop thinking about him).

  73.  #73Sweetie on May 17, 2013 at 8:07 am

    I want to write something like this:

    I want to tell you something but Im struggling with if I should. I don’t want to appear weak. However, last night made me realize how much I miss you. How much I miss us. I know this gets easier in time, but with all the events happening and knowing it was something we would have shared together- it is just making it hard. I don’t need you to do or say anything, I just wanted you to know.

    Or something like that… Im not sure??? WHat do you ladies think?

  74.  #74Shar Lean Way Back on May 17, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Indigo, What do your boundaries look like with different people in your life?

  75.  #75ruth on May 17, 2013 at 8:17 am

    It depends if you are goign to be expecting anything back from him
    Do you still harbour hopes of getting back togetther-thats sort of thing?

  76.  #76Mercedes on May 17, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Sweetie: If it were me, I would let it be for now. If he invites you to be with him in person then you might tell him how you are feeling about the breakup and the continued communication but I wouldn’t send a text or an email on it. For me, this feels like something that should be said while looking in his eyes, not said in the form of a text message. As soon as you send that message (projecting here…this is how it would happen for me anyway), you will tense up just waiting for a reply to it. When he does reply, chances are good it will become a back and forth text messaging conversation…and that just doesn’t feel right to me. Things like this, in my opinion, should be discussed face to face so that a man can see your expression and hear the sound of your voice when you say “I miss you” and take in your body language, etc.

    Oh…and I wouldn’t refer to sounding “weak”. It isn’t weak to miss someone. It’s real and the way you have it worded, it almost sounds like an apology for saying it. There’s no need to apologize for saying “I miss you and I feel sad knowing that we aren’t together but we’re acting like friends. I miss my boyfriend.”

    Much Love,

  77.  #77MovingMagic on May 17, 2013 at 8:32 am

    I’m going to treat myself to a rare nap this afternoon. Ahh yess. I’m going to sprawl out like a kitten.

  78.  #78Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Sweetie – I hope you are being authentic about not needing anything back.

    My tweak:-

    I feel like a simmering cauldron of emotions today (thank Dominique for this), struggling with if I should tell you something that is weighing on my heart. I don’t want to appear weak (I would leave this out. It is judging yourself and making assumptions about his thinking). Last night made me realize how much I miss you. How much I miss us. I feel nostalgic with all the events happening and knowing it was something we would have shared together- it is just making my heart feel goey. I don’t need you to do or say anything, I just wanted you to know.

  79.  #79Shar Lean Way Back on May 17, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Sweetie, I think Ruth and I are thinking along the same lines. You might be wanting to say this to get a “positive” response back . Rori says to stay open to him but cirgular dating and taking care of yourself is the thing to do here. Remember you are the prize.

  80.  #80Sweetie on May 17, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Thank you ladies! Femininewoman: thank you for your tweak, it flows much nicer. Also I am really being authentic and I don’t need anything back. I just miss him whether or not he replies back or not that is what the truth of it is.

    Mercedes: I think you are right though…I might say this in person if I still feel like it. Right now I am going to sit with my feelings and just see how it goes if I see him in person.

  81.  #81Mercedes on May 17, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Angela: I wouldn’t act any different than you have been. Sometimes when people are nice to each other, it can easily be perceived as flirting and many times it is hard to tell when a person of the opposite sex is married or “taken” (hate that word but I don’t know another one to use right now). I know I’ve been in situations where I’ve talked to a man for a long time, just sitting in the same area of a restaurant or whatever and we have a nice conversation and he asks me out. He has no way of knowing that I’m in a relationship and that’s not his fault and nothing to beat himself up over. Same goes for you.

    You were attracted to a man who was being nice to you and who you were seeing on a regular basis. He didn’t mention a wife or a girlfriend so you assumed he didn’t have one. Nothing to worry about there. Now you move from someone you were interested in dating to someone you still enjoy saying “hi” to when you see him. Who knows, maybe you will get to meet his lady and the two of you can become friends.

    The important thing is not to beat yourself up for it and not to lose trust in your instincts. Instincts can’t always tell us when someone has a significant other. Take a look at this man with fresh new eyes and see if you can still find a pleasant person to talk to without the consideration of dating him. You could still end up with a couple of cool new friends.

    Much Love,

  82.  #82Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I find this very helpful:-

    No matter which style of meditation you practice, you can use these four cues to meditate more easily and effectively.

    1. Relax and Align Your Posture: Meditation begins
    with active relaxation. Active relaxation means that
    you put your attention inside your body and use your
    mind to release muscular tension. Maintaining a
    relaxed upright posture is an important key to actively releasing tension.

    When you sit to meditate, notice and adjust your
    posture from your feet upward. Sit on the front edge of a chair, couch, or bed with your feet flat on the floor and parallel to each other. An ideal seat height is one in which your hips are level with or slightly above your knees.

    Rest your hands palms down on your thighs. Drop your shoulders and soften your hands to release any tension in your arms. Imagine a string attached to the top of your head gently drawing your spine upright. Tuck your chin slightly lengthening the back of your neck. Close your lips lightly and place the tip of your tongue up to the roof of your mouth to relax your jaw.

    Sitting upright like this is not mandatory, but it can
    be helpful. If you are unable to sit without back
    support, you can sit with your back against the back of a chair or in any comfortable position, even lying
    down. The bottom line is to actively relax yourself by becoming aware of your posture and making adjustments to release tension.

    2. Feel your Inner Body: Adjusting your posture puts
    you in touch with what is happening in your body. The next step is to feel inside your skin, to feel your
    inner space. Notice what is happening inside your body without reacting to it–just become aware of it.

    Observe your thoughts, feelings, and, most importantly, the sensations in your body. Witness these without reacting to them, criticizing them, or trying to change them. Just make note of what is going on. Scan your body to find any areas of tension or pain and settle your attention there–again just observing and relaxing.

    Inner body sensing is the gateway to self-nowledge,
    self-mastery, and discerning inner guidance.

    3. Breathe Consciously: One of the best ways to begin to feel inside your body is to become aware of your breathing. Imagine and feel as if your inhalation begins in your lower abdomen and expands upward into your upper abdomen and chest all the way up to your collarbones.

    As you exhale, imagine and feel that whole space
    emptying from top to bottom. Allow your breathing to slow down and settle into a deep rhythm. Slow, deep, rhythmic breathing will balance your emotions and regulate your heart-rate and brainwaves so that your body comes into calm coherence.

    If you notice any areas of tension in your body, you
    can imagine breathing into those areas to release pain or tightness. As you inhale, imagine gently filling the area of pain or tension with your breath. Imagine your breath easily expanding into that space. As you exhale, imagine that same space emptying out.

    4. Smile Inside: To assist you in releasing inner
    tension and shifting into a positive state, practice
    inner smiling. Put a subtle smile on your lips. Feel
    appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to relax and feel positive in this moment. Smile with nurturing acceptance of whatever is happening inside. Imagine that every cell is smiling.

    Inner smiling instantly shifts your body and brain
    chemistry and makes you feel positive and function
    optimally. This creates a positive cellular
    environment and grooves positive neural pathways in your body and brain. Inner smiling embodies an
    accepting, non-judgmental attitude toward yourself and others. It opens your heart and enables you to embrace what is good in your life.

    For ease of memory, let’s shorten these four steps
    to: Relax, Feel, Breathe, and Smile.

    My Core Energy Meditation program includes a guided audio that walks you through these cues step by step. More details on that here:


    Practice this a little every day and watch your inner
    state shift and your life come into balance. No matter
    what you want to do, you’ll do it better with a
    relaxed body, an open heart, and a clear and focused
    mind. This sets the stage for a healthier, happier,
    more abundant, loving, and purposeful life–a life
    that flows effortlessly from inner guidance.

  83.  #83Olivia on May 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I put the “questions” from Rori’s post next to my computer at work.
    So much anxiety in my belly…it feels opressive and I feel scared to even meditate because the anxious “bees” in the belly are too scary.

    Who am I saying I am? Someone who can keep their head up, shake off mistakes, tread the line between having compassion for why I’ve failed, but keep pushing myself forward.

    What am I engaging in? Moving forward with more clarity.

    What do I want? A job that I care about and enjoy and feel capable at.

    Focusing on my mistakes and dreading confrontations with the higher ups is not helping me.

  84.  #84Dominique on May 17, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Sweetie – 71 – I would not encourage you to say anything. If he truly has no interest in getting back together, then please don’t say anything. This is YOUR stuff to handle, and if it’s too much to handle, too painful for you, then you need to tell him this instead.

    And telling him anything about how you feel is NOT a sign of weakness. It’s showing great strength. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable which is what this is is powerful.

    So maybe something like this – It feels painful seeing you like this as friends. I find myself missing you,and missing what we had.

    See what he says.

    The hesitation I have in saying even this is that he will pull away, and you say you are wanting the continued contact. Just please get clear if this is keeping you from opening yourself up to other people, your world outside of him.


  85.  #85Dominique on May 17, 2013 at 10:51 am

    And PLEASE, as Mercedes said, say anything like this in person whether you are able to look him in his eyes or not.


  86.  #86smile on May 17, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Hi sirens,

    I was wondering your opinion…?
    I’m meeting my boyfriends mum for Sunday dinner… Do I need to take her anything? What’s the protocol lol? Like flowers? Somehow this feels a bit silly to me but I don’t know why I thought of it? What do you all think? Would love your opinions please.
    Ps I’m in England.

  87.  #87BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Oh, geez….someone online actually asked me to meet him for coffee tomorrow and I felt angry, and instead of using FM’s I kind of blasted him….
    He hadn’t asked for my name, or my number, or asked anything about me, and then asked for a date for Saturday on a Friday and…
    He responded politely, saying he’s sorry I found him wanting, and I blocked him.
    Lol 🙂

  88.  #88BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Oh, wait, and he also asked when I was available, and also asked AGAIN as if I hadn’t already answered the question and it wasn’t right there up on the screen.

    Okay, I think that’s all there is to complain and rant about for now.

    Feels like….ick in my belly, like a contracted twinge of rope going up from the top of my pelvis to my collarbone.

    Thoughts are…see, you raging drama queen? See how you push away love?
    You are just Mean to Men. You just beat and bat away anyone trying to get to know you.
    He didn’t even ask my name, or offer to tell me his.
    I didn’t ask him, because it feels bad to take the lead.

    I unblocked him, that was a little dramatic and hot-headed….

    don’t want to spend a lot of time on this, just let him run through like water, I didn’t just run away the love of my life or anything, he’s just some guy I don’t even know.
    Where I went wrong was ignoring important things (like…asking me anything about myself or even mentioning what he liked about my profile) because he mentioned meeting so quickly.

    Feel the feelings and get back on the horse.

  89.  #89BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Oh, geez, okay I see some things I, theoretically could have done differently.
    I could have said, it would feel better to have some notice, for us to at least know each other’s names but that still feels like leading,
    now I feel like crying

  90.  #90BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Now he blocked me so I can’t even say I’m sorry.
    what do I need to learn from this?????
    All of this emotion is coming up to teach moe something, let this be the day I learn the lesson.

  91.  #91Turquoise on May 17, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Thanks for the perspective sirens. I’m not even in a relationship right now… just thinking about past relationships, with good men… who hurt me with their actions.

    Recently, I ended a relationship because it wasn’t working for me, and I feel good about that. I have no regrets. I guess sometimes I feel triggered in that men are often presented as so amazing and wonderful, never at fault… never a problem. Unless they are toxic, and then they aren’t worth our time, so we forget about those “bad ones” who are abusive, etc. Even good men, aren’t always. I’m not saying women are perfect either…. I guess just a lot on my mind about how compatible we really are, for long term.

    Luzydel…. I’m not sure I want a serious relationship or to get married either. I’m also focusing on myself and having a great summer. Relationships can be wonderful, and very painful. I just don’t think I have it in me to get my heart broken again, and pick up the pieces. Instead, I want to be in the sunshine, listening to wonderful music, dancing, swimming, picnics, ball games, amusement parks…. with my kids, family, friends, some dates… but no/low stress. So far 2013 hasn’t been great. I’m hopeful for a beautiful summer. 🙂

  92.  #92BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Seeing a pattern of ‘keeping score’.
    I noticed that he didn’t answer my question, that he didn’t ask my name, that he asked me about availability after I had already answered the question, that he didn’t mention anything about what he found interesting about my profile, and he’s right, I *did* find him wanting,
    T said something to me last time we talked about me keeping a tally of these things,
    so, what is the alternative?

    What other way(s) to be are possible?

  93.  #93Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 11:58 am

    “Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” ~ Louise Hay

  94.  #94smile on May 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Choosing trust can be so difficult when you’ve had so many hurts in the past.
    I choose trust
    I choose trust
    I choose trust
    ((((My gremlins rearing their head again without any reason))))

  95.  #95smile on May 17, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I am the most stressed I’ve ever been in my life right now, I cried, he held me. I felt at peace and cared for.

  96.  #96Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    smile – it might be your intuition. I would focus internally to see what it is saying. Is it that you want to impress or whether it is that you yourself would want to receive flowers. For me it would be a reminder of something I do believe in, which is taking a bottle or a dessert to the home of anyone who invites me to dinner. Each culture is different but it is something I have adopted as a general practice to show appreciation.

  97.  #97smile on May 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    – THE GOOD FEELING STUFF – rather than the things which don’t feel smooth yet, the more will you notice good stuff happening and the more good stuff WILL happen.

    Love this from dominiques latest article 🙂

  98.  #98Femininewoman on May 17, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I am the most stressed I’ve ever been in my life – What are you telling yourself?

  99.  #99smile on May 17, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    FW, I would take flowers like its custom to take a bottle to dinner. I’m not a big flower person and if I do buy then its either sweet Williams, tulips or daffodils or sweet peas grown in my garden… But they haven’t grown yet lol!
    I’m feeling unsure as he’s family is more ‘well to do’ than mine, I suppose I don’t want to not take something if this is something she might expect? Maybe I’ll just ask him?!

  100.  #100smile on May 17, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    FW I’m buying a house, I’m a teacher and just had ofsted, if you know what that is. Work pressures are immense, meeting deadlines… Honest don’t know how I’m functioning but I’m doing it and I’m proud of myself 🙂

    Maybe I’m feeling exhausted rather than stressed. I’ve been quite calm and focussed through it all.

  101.  #101Katarina Phang on May 17, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Sweetie, let him go. That’s the only way, if anything, that will make him think of you or reconsider his feelings for you.

    People will instinctually reach out to something that is drifting away from them, that’s probably why he contacted you in the first place.

  102.  #102Dominique on May 17, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Smile – I think it’s a lovely gesture to bring something whenever you’re invited to someone’s house, a bottle of wine, flowers, a small gift. Find out what she likes.


  103.  #103Dominique on May 17, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Feminiewoman – 77 – You are so cute. Actually the quote is a blend of what looks like something Mel would say, the cauldron part, and me, the heart bit.

    Thank you for the acknowledgment though. 🙂


  104.  #104Indigo on May 17, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    CurvySiren 62

    Thank you yes 🙂 I am in a great place right now.

    I really feel filled up and strong. And I think I understand for the first time what Circular Dating is meant to do, and it’s wonderful.

    Thank you Xx

  105.  #105Sleepless in Seattle on May 17, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Thank you Rori!

  106.  #106Indigo on May 17, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    sophie 67

    Ah yes, I believe in gentleness above all else. There was a perfume a while back called “anais anais” and the slogan was “One day tenderness will rule the world”. I loved that.

    Being gentle starts with being gentle with yourself, and it feels so much better than forcing anything.

  107.  #107Indigo on May 17, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Shar Lean Way Back 73

    My boundaries have mostly to do with my energy and my physical space, because being sensitive I am sensitive to my personal space and to being drained.

    I set simply energetic boundaries to shield me from having my energy drained by other people, whilst still allowing me to connect with them if I choose. I set boundaries with my time – so, at work, that might look like deciding how long I wish to meet with a person, and then excusing myself when that is up. With guys (in the early stages of dating), I give them times to phone which work for me.

    I set physical boundaries as well – I gently ask for space if someone is standing too close. At home I have my own wing of the house and have asked my family to respect my need for privacy and space.

    I experiment with doing all of this in a way which fosters connection and relationship, allowing me to be my best self, such as “I would feel more connected to you if you could take a step back.”

    I stay in touch with my feelings at all times too, and I speak them if I need to set a gentle boundary, such as “I am feeling very tired, I think I am going to go home now” or “I don’t like being spoken to like that.”

  108.  #108MovingMagic on May 17, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Is anyone else having a hard time connecting to the current posts?

  109.  #109Liquid Light on May 17, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    @Syreena 56

    If it were me, I would not want to be around a man like that. It would be depressing and sickening to me that he is taking advantage of those girls like that. It is very sad.

    I would wonder too why he shared those stories with me. It doesn’t feel very respectful.

    I’m hyper sensitive to being treated respectfully right now. I’ve been looking back on my last relationship and seeing many incidents of lack of respect. I didn’t see it at the time since I was so taken with him.

    Anyway, first hint of it now, though, and I’m probably out of there. I say probably since I have a tendency to write people off quickly but maybe for the wrong reasons…hahahaha!!! But lack of respect is def for a right reason!!!

  110.  #110prplpsn28 on May 17, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Oh Dominique…having trouble tonight with the TRUST. (As we have discussed) Don’t know why. Crying. Don’t like it. Feels needy and terrible. Not even sure what’s triggering it. H has really been coming forward lately so it can’t be that. Ugh!!

  111.  #111Luzydel on May 17, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    @91 Trurq.

    I hear ya! I like male companionship, and even being all siren and open and no needy/clingy etc. men just act like men. I am just doing my part, but this time and forward will be just fro me… men are good at mirroring and pretending to be the man we want, but that only last a few months; then they start to show their true colors. One reason I feel attracted to “bad boys” they are honest and they tell me straight up want they want.

    A “nice guy” is always a victim, and fake who he is to have an agenda, but will always go back to women who are cold to them… I rather date me and do fin things and if I date someone again, this time I’ll know it is just a short encounter.

  112.  #112Liquid Light on May 17, 2013 at 5:00 pm


    Maybe part of the problem is that you were making him wrong?

    I dunno. I had a guy text me last night and ask me “So when is our next adventure?”

    It felt ick to me too and I couldn’t help feeling annoyed. I mean, sheesh, he can’t even come up with something on his own? But I think I’m making him wrong…hahahahaha! not sure what the line is between making someone wrong and setting your own boundaries though…anyone thoughts on this?

  113.  #113BeLoved on May 17, 2013 at 6:18 pm


    Liquid Light – yes, I saw that, mos def did that.

    It wouldn’t have gotten to that point if I had stuck to what I knew to be right to me – I got hooked when he asked to meet and ignored that he hadn’t even asked my name or anything about me. I thought I would be okay with it being kind of mysterious and maybe not finding out each others’ names until we met, but the safety voice kicked in and was like, “for all I know I’m agreeing to meet Hannibal Lecter or some other kind of scary perv”.

    I apparently was looking to pick a fight anyway, because I called T and picked one, and told him as much 🙂 He laughed and said I was welcome to call and pick a fight any time and really laughed at my feeble attempt to blame and make wrong, compared to the nutter I used to be when we first met.
    I used to be able to seethe for days and days at a level 7-9 on a scale of 1-10. I was at about level 2, and it was getting weaker every second because I kept bringing myself back to me and my feelings, and he wasn’t taking any of it personally.

  114.  #114Arachne on May 17, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Uhhhhhh, I really love how something that could have turned into a nasty argument was handled with gentleness and compassion here. I felt myself cringe a few times reading it, but at the end I felt myself relax and I enjoyed the feeling of peace and understanding… Phew!

    And the post itself… very deep, but it felt a little… hermetic. I probably need to read it again a couple of times. But it did remind me of all the self-healing work that Rori does in “Toxic Men” (gotta see that one again soon!!) – I felt so surprised that it was not really about the men, but how toxicity and toxic patterns actually originate inside us… And I also noticed that most books/programs about relationships start with healing/empowering/improving/expanding/bettering the self, not the partner. Yes, a man is not a problem (or a solution)….


    MovinMagic #47 – So beautifully said! You have my respect!

    Angela #52 – I understand your confusion and how you might be pissed off at yourself because this happened. I don’t have that much experience either (I’m not even 25 yet!), but I truly feel that this is not something you should be beating yourself up for. Maybe you read the sign wrong – so what? Nothing bad happened. And it doesn’t mean you will read them wrong the next time, or that, if you do, it’s going to be a big deal. If I were you, I would try to take this experience as a reminder to be open and lean back (including mentally – by not overanalyzing “the signals”). I know this is easier said than done (I struggle with it myself!) but I hope it is the best thing to do. Plus, if you lean back, a guy who IS interested will need to lean forward towards you, and that will (hopefully) make the signs much easier to read, up close. 🙂 Good luck and a big hug to you!

  115.  #115Arachne on May 17, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    In case my comment on the other post gets unnoticed, I will re-submit it here, just so it can be seen for sure by the ones mentioned. 😀

    Dominique #7 – I looked for your previous comment, but I couldn’t see it. Thank you so much for your words and encouragement!! It feels great to receive them! 🙂

    Tereana #10 – I feel happy that the post was timely for you and helped you in a little way. You are right, Rori gave an amazing answer!

    Sophie #11 – Wow, thank you for sharing your experience! It feel very comforting to me to read about what other women are going through! Good luck to you, and enjoy your affair for what it is! I hope I will have the same type of clarity soon…

    Linda #12 – Wow again, and thank you for sharing, too! I felt happy to read your empowering story! Great for you! (and, re: #13 – I’m very sorry for your daughter, I feel empathetic…)

    Mercedes #15 – Thank you so much for the reply! You are right, he IS confused, he told me as much (a long time ago, between the coffee date and the first “making out meeting”). I don’t know if cultivating a relationship with a someone met on such a website would be a problem for me (since, through experience, I know that most (or at least many) of the people I talked to on such sites are otherwise actually very decent and normal people). I will try to follow your advice and (if he gets in contact again) use those very words. They are the absolute truth, so it should be good to just say it. But at least in this way I will give him the chance to say what he wants, and we can see if and where it goes. And I continue to Circular Date in the meantime. 🙂 Thanks again for the advice!

    Syreena #23 – Thank you for the reply! Just some clarification: I don’t want to be a f-buddy, and I told him as much, because I knew it wouldn’t work for me in real life (though, after reading Rori’s answer, I am not so sure of that; if I have clarity about, mane I can accept it and have a good learning experience – especially since I don’t have any love feeling for this man yet). I think what really feels bad is not the “sex-only” part, but the uncertainty part. It’s like he didn’t confuse me by wanting me sexually (I feel flattered by that), but by taking me out for coffee in the first place. Hopefully, if he texts or calls again, I’ll have a conversation with him and get rid of the uncertainty. It feels heavy and bothersome, not to know where I stand… Thanks again for the reply!

    Olivia #26 – Yup yup! 🙂

    MovingMagic #30 – Thank you so much! I loved your reply, it felt hopeful somehow! I have been able to separate the sex from the emotions in the other encounters, because I knew from the beginning that is was just for fun. The hard part in this situation is not being sure what it is, what he wants and so on. Once I know, I will know how to “manage” my emotions….

    Emerson #34 – I feel glad if you learned something about yourself from that post! 🙂

    Emerson #36 – I felt sad reading this comment, especially the last paragraph – I feel sorry that someone could believe you are heartless… 🙁 The thing you say about just sex establishing “a pattern of tolerance towards this type of relationship” – hmmm, very interesting, it made me think about it a lot. But I don’t think it applies to me – I tried to be f-buddies with my ex after our (very dysfunctional, to be honest) relationship ended, and it didn’t work and I ended up having a mini hysteria attack at some point, because I just exploded after repressing my attachment for a long time. But I learned from it, and I don’t want to go through that again. But a “wam bam thank you m’am” encounter, if it’s not repeated (so attachment doesn’t have time to form) is, for me at least, and at this point in my life at least, beneficial. For me, it does boost my self-value as a desirable woman (I almost wrote “acceptable”, but my CBT kicked in and I stopped myself before thinking I might not “be enough”). I had a very sexless life until a year and a half ago, and I guess I need to be a little objectified. I have no problem in believing that a guy might like me as a person (I have a lot of guy friends who think of me as a great “asexual person”), the thing I lack(ed) is the assurance that my body can be physically desired – and that’s what, for me, “wam bam” is all about. But I also have to be careful not to get the wam bam mixed with “dating”. Oh, well.

    Seahorse #61 – I feel glad it was a welcome trigger for you! 🙂

    Seahorse #63 – Wow! Your comment was so powerful, and yet so hopeful in the end, to see you have overcome this… Hug!

    Kath – I’m still following your story and sending you hugs!

    Radlove #139 – 34? wow! (sorry if that felt disrespectful, it was just my natural honest reaction). I feel happy that you found sex healing in your life! I know about sex clubs, but unfortunately I live in a small town where there isn’t such a thing. But I plan on definitely visiting one, one day. Ideally, it would be with a trusted and loving partner as an experience we share in order to strengthen our bond, but I am contemplating visiting one by myself. 🙂

  116.  #116Emerson on May 17, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    55 Syreena
    I felt sick to my stomach reading that

    Fw thanks for posting the meditation guide

  117.  #117Emerson on May 17, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    I think I meant to type 56 Syreena
    The post about the men and their Thai prostitutes
    Makes me sick

  118.  #118Emerson on May 17, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    130 from prior thread FW did u buy it

  119.  #119Emerson on May 17, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    Hi Arachne
    Thanks for your comments to me! I feel warm and heard interacting with sirens on here and the exchange of ideas is so helpful…
    I am in the midst of a conflict with a friend and I feel i tried to explain too much on text… Oh well… I am remaining open and forgiving and it’s up to them to keep our friendship or not…
    I have been feeling thankful and happy because some of my hard work is paying off…
    I am still exploring some advances in employment but I’m realizing I’m in a really good place right now.

  120.  #120Tereana on May 17, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    Luzydel, I hear you!!

  121.  #121smile on May 18, 2013 at 3:05 am

    Thanks dominique, I just asked what would be good to bring with me.

    My next dilemma is what to wear lol, best get putting a pretty outfit together 🙂 eek exited nerves rolling through me

  122.  #122BeLoved on May 18, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Last night I talked to T again after the ‘picking the fight’ conversation (that turned out so well and connected) and told him I felt set up. Previously he had implied that the reason I didn’t get what I want from him is that I don’t ask…so I asked for him to initiate more, to call me more, and I didn’t hear from him one single time since then.

    He responded so perfectly, he told me how he could totally understand how I felt that way, that his experience is that is usually true in the moment, but for requests for stuff over time, yes, he totally seems to flounder and he doesn’t know why, he must have been fantasizing when he was believing that all I had to do was ask and it would happen, that clearly me not asking isn’t the reason I’m not getting what I want, he doesn’t really know or understand it himself…and much more vulnerable revealing of his awareness of his patterns, frustrations, confusions, etc.

    Oh, it felt so GOOD.
    My heart felt like warm honey.
    I used a bunch of FM’s to explain to him how it feels imbalanced when I am the one initiating contact, and how good it feels when he initiates.

    He said, “Yeah, like that…when you first started saying what it does for you when I call, I got this sort of ‘needy’ vibe for just a second, but then as you got deeper into it, I could tell you were really finding those true experiences in your memory of what you feel, and I could feel you and I felt more connected to you, and that last part your voice sort of went down a bit but by the time you got to that part where you said xyz, I was like…yeah, yeah, that, got it, yeah, ok.”

    We ended up feeling very warm and connected before going to sleep and he had sent me a link to a TED talk overnight so that feels good and stabilized and progressing again.

    I have a coffee date with a girl tomorrow, I’ve never asked a girl out for a girly girl date before! A new adventure!

    Exploring the energy dynamic with a woman feels tricky – I don’t want to get into the masculine role, and I don’t expect her to, either (not dealing with any butch women for now), so…how does this work?

    Finding out in 3…2…1…

  123.  #123Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 5:31 am

    I just love to read this kind of analogy from Carol Allen:-

    The first one is what I call, “The Banquet Babe.”

    “A Banquet Babe” believes that the world is full of good things and fabulous opportunities everywhere she turns.

    When it comes to men, a Banquet Babe knows that she can HOLD OUT for the kind of man she wants.

    She believes that there’s NO shortage of good men in the world who will love her. And so she doesn’t have to take anybody’s crumbs… She doesn’t have to “settle” for less than what she wants.

    If a man doesn’t want what she wants, then she doesn’t KNOCK HERSELF OUT and try to convince him of anything.

    Instead, she recognizes that he’s NOT her guy, and trusts that her guy is in her future.

    She’s excited to go find him, and easily lets go of any men that ARE NOT a fit with her vision. She keeps her heart open through life’s ups and downs and holds out for her dream of love, which she ultimately gets.

    The second kind of woman, on the other hand, is a “Soup Kitchen Girl.”

    “A Soup Kitchen Girl” does NOT believe in an abundance of good men. She thinks that there’s a very limited supply of love in the world, and so she acts as though she’s LUCKY to be eating a dry crust of bread with watery soup off of a cracked tray…

    I mean, at least it’s something – at least she won’t starve.

    If she turns down the dry crust of bread and watery soup she’ll go hungry and become weak.

    She may even get sick…

    Or die…


    What she doesn’t realize is that RIGHT OUTSIDE of the soup kitchen is a FANTASTIC BANQUET full of all sorts of steaming trays laden with all of her favorite foods.

    But she’s so tired from standing in line and waiting in the cold for that cracked tray that she’s missing all the fun.

    So she’ll date men she can’t have, and put up with what she shouldn’t put up with – a man’s poor treatment, lack of time, attention, affection, or worse – his abuse, his addictions, his other girlfriends, his wife, his chronic (or PERMANENT) “indecision” about what to do with her… ensuring that she NEVER gets what she wants.

    Get it?

  124.  #124Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 5:36 am

    BeLoved I wonder what you were thinking when your voice went down (maybe unconsciously). What came to mind is maybe believe you are unworthy or maybe not comfortable asking for what you want? I know men are so sensitive to tonality.

  125.  #125smile on May 18, 2013 at 5:57 am

    My intuition is telling me he isn’t where he says he is…
    I think he’s meeting with his ex and trying to protect me. I would prefer to know.
    But then he could be exactly where he says he is and my negative vibes just need a hug

  126.  #126smile on May 18, 2013 at 6:10 am

    I know he needs to see her to move the divorce forward.

  127.  #127Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Smile – CCarter says you can talk about what your intuition is telling you. I would try to be clear about if it is my intuition and try to speak from it without making him wrong.

  128.  #128smile on May 18, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Sending myself love, getting back to a place of security right now.

    I have a lot of mistrust. Feeling grumbly towards men and dishonesty in general. Feeling hate towards strummingman for squashing my trust.

    I choose trust
    I choose trust
    I choose trust

    He’s a great guy I don’t want to ruin it by stepping near the slippery slope.

  129.  #129BeLoved on May 18, 2013 at 6:43 am


    What I was saying just then, was “(hearing from you) provides me with a sense of well-being. I mean, I already *have* that within me, AND, I like getting it in a T-flavor!”

    He liked that 🙂
    My voice when down on “I already *have* that”.
    Hmm…maybe feeling uncertain and unworthy about wanting more?
    A hesitation in trying to describe how something he does enhances, yet not doing doesn’t “subtract”…although it does seem to subtract from the relationship if he doesn’t initiate, it doesn’t take away from ME, my feelings my wobble and stuff may come up, but I won’t die or lose my will to live or hold him responsible for the feelings that come up (to the best of my ability).

    Something I said earlier in the day was that I felt like it was pointless to say anything, and I felt like giving up on him. It was coming from a childish, immature place with minimal verbal skills 🙂 What he heard was “I’m taking an axe to our connection, again”, and what I mean was, “I feel like giving up on ever having that relationship that I thought I was going to get when I first fell in love with you.”

    He said (paraphrasing) – Oh, that, okay, got it, yes, give up on that, please. Neither one of us is the same people we were then, any stuff from the past that we thought up together, yes, please, give up on that.

    Which made me squeal with laughter 🙂 (He was warm and effusive in saying it, not sarcastic or mean or anything).

    I’m remembering now, some thoughts earlier along the lines of “I’d rather be fighting with you than NOTHING”, and how I felt triggered and regressed to a childish pattern of trying to pick a fight to get attention. T’s response was SO perfect, though, enough to maybe shift that for me, because he wasn’t defensive at all and it sort of updated/upgraded my brain software with new data.

  130.  #130smile on May 18, 2013 at 6:44 am

    FW, I’m not sure how to bring it up to ask if he has seen her? He was open and honest while we were on holiday so I know he’s fine with it. Do I need to know if he’s had contact with her… Yes I think I do.
    How do I do this without seeming needy? Which I’m not.

  131.  #131BeLoved on May 18, 2013 at 6:46 am



    Are you trusting YOU?

  132.  #132smile on May 18, 2013 at 6:54 am


    I’m not sure what you mean?
    I feel unsettled incase he’s saying one thing but doing another to protect me. I know he won’t want me to know he’s seen her but this feels worse for me, the wondering.
    I want to trust that he is where he says he is.
    I want an open and honest communication.

  133.  #133smile on May 18, 2013 at 6:58 am

    How bout this…

    I’ve been feeling curious since the holiday about your ex saying she wanted to start the divorce once you were back. The thought of you meeting her without me knowing feels unsettling. I want to be able to speak openly about it.

  134.  #134Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Beloved – that remembering reminds of Gay Hendricks talking about the points where we draw ourselves back down in “The Big Leap”. Our thermostat is set at letting in only a certain amount of love and how challenged we are to allow more in.

  135.  #135Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 7:16 am

    smile – I would go with saying “my intution is telling me” though I am second guessing myself. Men find women who are tuned into their intuition sexy. It is one of then things that stop them from cheating. There is a coach who teaches about that as the one feminine instinct that men need in woman to fall in love with her. I use the intuition speech every so often.

  136.  #136Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Smile that is not needy. That is trusting you and loving to you. I feel confident he would find it endearing.

  137.  #137smile on May 18, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Thanks FW, it’s been playing on my mind for a while now, I need to voice my intuition, yes I too think he will find it endearing..

    I’ve been feeling curious since the holiday about your ex saying she wanted to start the divorce once you were back. The thought of you meeting her without me knowing feels unsettling. I want to be able to speak openly about it.
    My intuition is telling me, although I’m guessing myself,
    And I would just like to be kept in the loop.

    FW how do I start it with my intuition is telling me without making it full of blame?
    I can’t say my intuition is telling me you’ve been meeting your ex without me knowing?

  138.  #138Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 7:42 am

    BTW Turq keeping the mindset that A Man Is Never The Problem helps me to remember I don’t need to do anything, to fix anyone, the fix him. I just need to be.

  139.  #139Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Smile I am thinking of Mel talking about the monkeys or rats in her head chattering away. I would leave out “the thought” and just go from it feels unsettling about him meeting up with her and like you feeling like a mother hen wanting to protect the relationship.

  140.  #140smile on May 18, 2013 at 8:21 am

    That’s helpful FW, thank you!!!

  141.  #141smile on May 18, 2013 at 8:51 am

    It feels like the universe is bringing this to my attention.
    On Facebook I was just browsing and I noticed one of his posts was from her area? But from last week?

    How can it be that I attract guys who tell me they love me but the ex isn’t completely finished. Even though they been separated for 3 years.


  142.  #142smile on May 18, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I wonder if I should tell him I noticed his post was done from her area?

  143.  #143smile on May 18, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Just been reading about synchronicity, it’s a type of intuition, I was meant to see that post.

  144.  #144smile on May 18, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Just spoken to him, it appears my intuition was off about him meeting her as he’s in a different city already which I know for sure. So he can’t have so I didn’t mention anything. I was also off about the fb post now I look on the map.

    But… I am disappointed about him changing the time for me meeting his mum tomorrow. He said come late morning and we’ll have a nice long day together, then he forgot he said than and has now said just come over late afternoon.
    Thing is I passed up the opportunity to go somewhere with my friends as I thought I was there the whole day. He’s going to confirm the time shortly. If it is later I’m going to tell him I’m feeling disappointed because I passed that opportunity up now to go somewhere with my friends in the morning.

    Feeling a bit like not a priority for his time right now. He did say on the phone though he wants to spend more time together.

  145.  #145smile on May 18, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Why am I feeling so negative! He just texed he he, which didn’t make sense as it was Radom. I immediately thought it was meant for someone else, then he texed just thinking about you and then my heart melted and I felt stupid and angry at myself that my initial reaction was mistrust.

  146.  #146smile on May 18, 2013 at 9:54 am


  147.  #147Andrea on May 18, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Ohhhhh, there’s so much to read in these comments. I need to come back and go through them all, but I just wanted to do a quick check in before I go work out.
    I broke up with my bf of one year a month ago. Complete backing off. He was going through his own drama and not treating me well. After two weeks of no contact and me working on myself through Rori’s e-book and these blogs.. he started calling me, chasing me.. Anyway, he went out of town for a couple of weeks and then he got back into town yesterday. He asked me on a date. Specifically, he asked me to please come over to his house and then he would take me out from there.
    I had all of these things lined up in my head that I was going to say to him. All of the “conversations” that I thought were so important. I wanted to make sure he knew my boundaries and where I stood and etc…
    On my drive over to his house, I caught myself “thinking”. Then I stopped and asked what am I feeling??????? Big Difference!!! HUGE!!! I was feeling scared, nervous, excited, anticipating not only seeing him, but also anticipating being seen by him. I felt brand new in this experience. Like I was experiencing being with him for the first time ever. I realized… I was!! I had never met this man before FEELINGS FIRST!!! I had never come to him with my heart instead of my head. I had never allowed myself to be soft and vulnerable and pliable in the hands of his adoration and love for me. I was aghast at this discovery.
    I made a new goal… Don’t think. Have no agenda. Just BE!!! (isn’t that what Rori’s been saying all along??)
    I walked into his house and I was a sensual mass of passionate longing. I only felt my heart beating with wanting to be in his arms. He looked at me, my heart burst open. I leaned way back.. the chemistry was blinding. He is incredibly handsome and he took my breath away. And you know… for the first time… I simply allowed myself to BE.. breathless in his presence. He didn’t talk either. He ran to me. Ran. Scooped me up into his arms. Kissed me, tugged at my clothes, tore at my body, needing, just like me, to be closer.
    I felt so ALIVE. So alive with the sensation of my own body. We went to his bedroom and had hard passionate driving sex. Then he held me, stroked my skin, kissed me, whispered how he loved me, how he can’t explain it but I’ve changed, how beautiful I am. Then we made love… slow, lingering… I felt every single cell in my body come alive. I orgasmed like I never had before.
    I still could not find the words to describe my feelings though to him. I just let him make me feel like a woman.
    Then I found them, “I feel so sensual with you. I feel so feminine. I feel like it’s a miraculous wonder that I get to be a woman.”
    He grabbed me to him and made love to me again. It was heaven.
    Then we got dressed, he took me to dinner. I stepped aside when it came to manuevering the doors, and he opened them for me. I didn’t even do a second glance at the bill when it came, and he paid for everything.
    Then we came back to my house and we lingered. Instead of going home he asked if he could go and get us a movie and we could watch it together. We did, and he stayed the night at my house. We made love again and again.
    BUT… HERE IS THE MOST AWESOME THING!!!!! This morning, after we made love once again. I rolled over to my side of the bed. He whispered, “I love you ANdrea.”
    I said nothing back. I felt… “I love … ???” Then I started weeping with such realization. Because the very first thing that I really honestly felt was: “I LOVE ME TOO!! Oh my God! I love me too!!!” I hugged myself and cried to myself tender tears of absolute joy. I was using this experience with this man to LOVE ME!!
    I told him, “I feel bestowed upon with love. I feel like love has been poured upon me and I’m bathing in it.”
    He pulled me to him. I could feel his whole body smiling. (I didn’t say, “I love you” back to him. Instead I let him see the raw and beautiful emotions that love was expressing in me.) And that made him ecstatic.
    I’m new to this. I never did “talk” to him about all the “stuff” I thought I needed to say. I actually hardly ever talked at all. It was just a night I will never EVER forget. It was MY beautiful night. Who knows what will happen next.
    I know right now that I’m typing on this blog to all my beautiful new friends. And then I’m going to go work out. And that’s all I know for sure. : ) And.. that it feels really really good, just to FEEL!!!!!!

  148.  #148Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Smile – seems like you are battling with yourself. Resisting the flow of more and more love into you.

  149.  #149seahorse on May 18, 2013 at 10:52 am

    ANDREA!!!!!! That is so beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing! YOU SO ROCK!!!!!

  150.  #150Indigo on May 18, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Veronica 61 🙂

    Thank you (((hugs))) to you

    It is wonderful to be able to share

  151.  #151Indigo on May 18, 2013 at 10:56 am


    I know the feeling. I remember making up stories about things which turned out to be *nothing*. What is your instinct telling you about this man? Trusting a man is one instance where I think believing your instincts is preferable to believing the “facts”.

    Wishing you peace and enjoyment

  152.  #152Femininewoman on May 18, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Andrea that felt so truly deeply sensual to read. It felt tugging at my heart strings.

  153.  #153smile on May 18, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Yes FW I am, sigh

    He is completely different to strummingman I see and feel this all the time, need to remember what dominique said in her last article again. That really helped.

    97: smile says:

    – THE GOOD FEELING STUFF – rather than the things which don’t feel smooth yet, the more will you notice good stuff happening and the more good stuff WILL happen.

    Love this from dominiques latest article

    Friday, 17 May 2013 @ 12:02pm

  154.  #154smile on May 18, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Indigo, thank you for your warm hug, I needed it.
    My instinct is that he makes me feel amazing but if I keep making these stories up ill lose it.

    It just happened again. He was putting holiday photos on fb and my reaction was… Why’s he not got any of me on? Left it 5 mins and lo and behold he’d put them on. (((Love to me)))

  155.  #155Dominique on May 18, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Purple – 110 – I’m sorry I didn’t see this until now.

    This sounds like fear. We can get all kinds of weird and squirrely when we start to get what we want. We can question it, doubt it, make up all kinds of bad feeling scenarios.

    There is likely a part of you which wants him so badly, and another which is afraid of actually having this. All kinds of things could come up such as – am I good enoug? do I deserve this? is this true? I could go on though I think you get the point.

    And there is a part of you which wants to put this on him bringing us back to trust. And this you need to keep choosing over and over and over again. Yes it can feel hard sometimes, so you keep gently pushing away the bad feeling feelings and inviting in better feeling ones.

    I though I had an article dealing with this specifically aside from the – choose trust – article, yet I’m not finding it. It may be a mish mash of several I’m thinking of.

    Please reread – choose trust – many time if you need to.

    And these two may also help.



  156.  #156Dominique on May 18, 2013 at 11:52 am

  157.  #157Dominique on May 18, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Andrea – Awesome!!! YAY you!!!


  158.  #158Daria on May 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    yay my house EMF transformer works so well! i feel curious to get back into the swing of blog things… 🙂 🙂 🙂

  159.  #159Daria on May 18, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    gosh i can check my online messages too… get back into dating abundantly… sigh 🙂 🙂

  160.  #160prplpsn28 on May 18, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks Dominique! Love the articles! He came to see me last night. I’m feeling much better today. Focusing on all the “good” and having full “trust”.

  161.  #161MovingMagic on May 18, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    I LOVE Andreas post! I love realizing experience is about me & not the other person.

  162.  #162Arachne on May 18, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    Wow, Andrea, I feel so happy for you!

  163.  #163Millie on May 18, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    I feel so sad.
    I’m actually crying.
    Andrea’s post triggered me. I feel like such a failure.
    I feel so alone, like no one cares.
    I don’t know why or what’s wrong.
    Where am I going wrong?
    AHHH I don’t know.
    Just alone with my work, like every other night of my life.

  164.  #164k2012 on May 18, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Hi ladies, good night. How are u all? I have a lot to catch up on the blog. My work load has reduced somewhat, although I was just asked to to take up duties for a sick friend and colleague. Right now I am working on something for my little business which still haven’t started. I find that because my primary job is so loaded with work, I can scarcely find the time to launch my private business that should have started from April? Do u ladies have that problem? That’s why it is good to have a business partner as one of my sisters tell me. I am reading a lot of Rori’s related posts especially on circular dating. I find that that its helpful and let’s you see different perpectives. Read one about circular dating and sleeping with all the guys you circular dating. A lady was faced with a dilemna like that.I am all for circular dating while there are no new dates at this time. Lol. Not worried about it, but I will be sexually exclusive with one man only. If the others ask me for sex, the answer is a big fat NO. If they want to disappear, go ahead. I have options (with the attitude, lol, yea man). Even if I wasn’t a christian, there is no way I would be having sex with all the men I am circular dating. Are u crazy! No way. Dominique, I have your newsletters to read. I will read them and comment on them. I have been so busy that I am not even reading the paper, lol, can u imagine. I just told my sister that I will looking for a conference to attend on entrepreneurship with 2 aims in mind- 1. To meet someone of course. As hairdresser and an online article I read says- go to seminars and conferences. And 2. To meet other business persons (small business and otherwise to get gain knowledge on opening and maintaining a business. Was reading something from Jonathan a while ago re ideas on dating (including online dating). Trust me, before trying online dating again, every bit of advice I see on the subject, I am going to digest it, from all the coaches I have subscribed to and of course fellow bloggers on here and from other coaches. The tips are good. I will read and re read them.

  165.  #165k2012 on May 18, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Oh I forgot to say this-overseas cd (remember him, lol, has resurfaced. He apparently sent me a friend request on facebook but I told him he was already on my page. He said he looked on his page and didn’t see me as a friend. I could see him though. So I added him back. He said, “ok, I can talk to u again like before.” I just laugh to myself. If he think I have time to waste chatting for hours as I did before, he “make a sad mistake” (as we would say in my country). Sure I chit chatted a bit and asked him if he was going to our alumni reunion overseas. He said he wasn’t going. Afterwards, it seems like facebook was down and we stopped chatting. I am not interested anymore at all. I will just chit chat for short periods but if he starts to talk “lovey dovey” again, I am going to shut him down. A lady on another online group I am in has a name for men like that. Don’t remember the name now but it is a name for men who hide behind the monitor. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is still married although he said he was separated. But u can’t trust some of these men especially when they are long distance. Goodbye to long distance for me. If I do online dating, it won’t be overseas either, it will be right here in my country.

  166.  #166Andrea on May 18, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Millie… I’m sorry. You are NOT a failure. I have to give another update about tonight.
    Like I said, I had that incredible experience with my one year man last night. Tonight… totally different. There is a major pull to go back to the way things were before the big break up.
    I’m not strong enough right now to be able to even do baby steps into the new woman I want to become when I’m with him. He called me this afternoon and I wanted to go out with my girlfriends but for some reason… a call from him… and I’m running last minute over to his house.. AGAIN!!! You see???
    I’m back to chasing. I can feel myself getting sucked back into the old way.
    Then… worst decision ever, I try to “EXPLAIN” to him what I’ve been going through and how I’ve changed. He hears it one way, I’m saying it a different way.
    I bow and bend, I make sure that he isn’t offended, I shut myself up and shut my true feelings down because, first of all when I’m with him in this state of confusion, I can’t find my feelings, and second of all I am always put in the position of justifying myself.
    He says, “Why can’t you see that I just want to be with you.”
    I say, “What do you mean by “be with you”.. ?”
    He says… to gradually move forward.
    I want specifics. He talks about my kids being obstacles. I go into defending my kids. I go into trying to convince him that I’m worthy of being married to him.
    He says he is happy how things are.
    I FINALLY HEAR HIM!!!!!!!!! He’s happy, right now, just how things are. Why wouldn’t he be?? I make it so easy for him to keep things the way they are.
    He chased me for three weeks. And he got me back for a night. And I’m back to all the feelings I had before we broke up. I’m back to the frustration and the angst and the not being able to tell him what I really want for fear he won’t like me anymore.
    I finally heard what he was saying. He wants it just how it has always been. He’s happy.
    I just walked out of his house. I just realized… I don’t want this. Last night was extremely wonderful and sensual and so affirming that the practice works.
    And tonight, I’m back to losing myself and giving up on everything I’ve built over these past three weeks, just to ensure that I have a man.
    It’s sooooo hard to walk away. But I’m not happy. And I don’t want to go back to that relationship the way it was. And AND I’m not powerful enough right now, to be IN IT and turn it around.
    When I set out to GET MY MAN BACK… I never realized that I would find out that in fact… I don’t think I want him back.
    Now, I just walked out of his house tonight at ten-ish. He was talking about how he doesn’t think it makes any sense to put a time frame on getting married. (I never said anything about a time frame. I simply said that I’m finally realizing that I want to be married which is something I’d always led him to believe that I didn’t want.) Then it struck me… why am I talking to this man about marriage.
    He has not made me confident enough in him to believe that I WANT to married to him. He has not done the work. He has not proven to me that he’s worthy of me. (I’ve never allowed him the opportunity to try to chase me either. I’ve always made it very easy for him to “get” me.)
    So… I thought… why am I talking about this right now? And I just said, “I need to go.”
    He said, “We’re right in the middle of a conversation and you say you need to go? What’s up with that?”
    I just walked out. I couldn’t explain it all to him. I’m so tired of talking in this relationship. I’m so tired of the explaining and the conversations that go no where.
    I came home. I thought maybe he would try to call me, try to come over… he didn’t. Then I tried to call him twice, to try to … “explain” .. ugh!!! And he didn’t answer. You see???? Mistake after mistake after mistake.
    Here’s what I wish I would have done. All the way back this afternoon when he called me and said soooo what are you doing this evening? I wish I would have said, “Oh, I have plans with my girlfriends. Talk to you tomorrow maybe?”
    That’s what I wish I would have done. hah!!!!!!!
    Still learning here!!!

  167.  #167k2012 on May 18, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    “Be concerned if he only texts, emails or messages you, rather than dialling your number.” Jonathan Aslay. Ok then, u see what I mean. Overseas cd comes to mind immediately. “Does he ONLY message/text/email you? This is a serious red flag, ladies!” Jonathan. Indeed it is. Very serious red flag. Overseas cd again. “A real man isn’t afraid to call, in fact, he will want to hear your lovely voice whenever he gets the opportunity”. Amen to that. Indeed, indeed.

  168.  #168Daria on May 18, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    ok so im a straight out of the bachelor situation

    me and Security man and the other girl who likes him who he lives with went to the park with his daughter and her sister…

    and it felt so fun!

    and then the woman’s sister and her kids joined

    and it still felt cool!


    i feel like ima polygamous situation with 2 wives, all of us riding around in one car iwth the kids and stuff

    and the kids are awesome

  169.  #169Daria on May 18, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    i can feel him yearning for me while she’s providing everything and being the good friend

    and he wound up getting us food



    why is this not a movie?

  170.  #170Daria on May 18, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    i feel really good like me and his daughter and he sister really connected


    i feel like he could wind up being my husband, and right now he has two wives wtf

    some guys just got it like that i guess wow!

    i never thoguht id see myself doing this!>/?

  171.  #171Daria on May 18, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    how crazy the kids meeting both of their dad’s girlfriends at the same time


    and having a blast!!!


  172.  #172Daria on May 18, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    wtf i feel so good 🙂 beamin beamin i feel loved i feel love i can feel the love i can feel the energy i can feel the vibe yay!!!

  173.  #173Daria on May 18, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    i feel like i wanna have sex !! ack i keep feeling like Security man is gonna call me any minute to tell me he’s alone and he wants me…

    but it hasnt’ happen which feels amusing and surprising

    i feel his energy so strongly right now!

    i mean everything was so on point with how we got along and the kids

    nad how he paid attention to me


    lol how is it so easy to do this monogamous thing!

    fuchkin crazy ass duded he’s such a great leader


    he wants me aaah


    i feel good

    i feel so good i like his daughter and he can tell i love her and and i felt so good and like he felt it

    and its just in the VIBE ummmmmfffff

    and i hiit 8 pts in basketball im raw

  174.  #174Daria on May 18, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    8 shots!

  175.  #175Tereana on May 18, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Hi Ladies/sirens/blog!

    I had a really good day. I honestly feel like “nexting” my latest CD – every time he talks about sex, it makes my head feel like it’s in a vice and I just want to run away. It makes me not want to have anything to do with him. And today, I was noticing so many hot guys at this fair that I was at, where I was dancing with a group that I train with. It was a super fun time!!

    Yesterday, I heard from my CD that he wasn’t going to be able to meet me this weekend, and there was a lot of sex-talk in the email, so I didn’t even respond. I just didn’t want to give it any kind of attention. I’m not sure if I really want to hang out with him next weekend at all. Maybe I should just “next” him and get on with my life.

    On the other hand, maybe he is just trying to appreciate me in his own way. Maybe he is liking me and wanting to connect with me. That is all really good. But do *I* want *him*? That is the question.

    Have another therapy appointment coming up on Monday. I am actually looking forward to these now. It’s like a little place where I just get to be myself. No judgment. I like my therapist.

    And I wish sex were simple for me. I look at beautiful women who are able to have sex with their men without guilt or feelings of shame about it, and I feel so jealous. That’s what a man wants – not a ‘slut,’ but a woman who is comfortable with her body and her sexuality. There is a difference. Maybe for some men there isn’t, but in reality, there is a distinction. And a woman who is in touch with, and owns her sexuality is quite powerful. But I think the whole point of having a derrogative term like “sl*t” is specifically about a woman who *doesn’t* own her sexuality. She is sexual, but not always in a way that is in line with her own values. This is when a man knows he can “take advantage” of her. Maybe I’m generalizing too much here.

    warning: I’ve had a glass of wine, and it’s tired, and I’m about to go to bed. Lol.

    I was just thinking about this today. As I was watching two women I know, hanging out with their men, and I was just wondering, how does it work for them? How is it that they can be sexual with their men and have it not be a problem? For me, sex is always a problem. When I have sex, it doesn’t bring me closer with someone – it drives me further away. It creates distrust, resentment, and strong feelings of shame. I want to run away and hide. I start to “hate” them, even if I like them. I become critical and defensive. Ultimately, either he will leave, or I will. As soon as I have sex, the “relationship” is over. It doesn’t even have to BE sex. It can just be similar – sex-talk, or sexy canoodling that gets heated. And I’m a sexy person. I can’t help it, apparently. I sometimes even aid the situation, getting him excited, getting me excited, getting into it. And then later on – oops. So I try not to have sex, but that never works. And if I have sex intentionally, that doesn’t help either.

    I feel doomed. I wonder if I even like sex at all. What is it that people enjoy so much about sex? It just seems like too much trouble to me. I might have fun in the moment, but ultimately, it makes me sick, anxious and uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do, because I can’t exactly “turn off” my sexuality. I just hope and pray that I can find a way to make it work for me. Because right now, the way it’s working (or not working) is making me really unhappy….

  176.  #176Tereana on May 18, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    oh yeah, p.s., I got a random call from K today?? He always just calls me at the most random times. And when I call back, he doesn’t answer. I let it ring a few times, and then I just hung up. Oh well. If he really wants to talk to me, he’ll call again…

  177.  #177Millie on May 18, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    Oh Andrea! I’m sorry to hear it went that way with your man. Your first night together sounded so amazing! I suppose it is a day at a time for all of us.

    I have been feeling a lot of emotions today and reading your post made something inside me snap. I love reading your posts and your progress, I didn’t mean to take away from your success. There a few things that I’ve been feeling today..I graduated college last week and have so been looking forward to having time for myself again. My cousin was throwing me a little party tonight and I had to cancel because a potential job asked me to do a project and I only have three days to do it. I am a fashion designer. I’m happy that they are interested, but it also made me feel so frustrated that I had to disappoint my cousin and miss out on a fun night. So instead I’m home alone working, and I just don’t want to, I need a break!

    The second thing is that I had drinks with a guy friend last night. We used to date, but I wasn’t interested, yet we became great friends and have been for about 5 years. Recently he was unhappy in a relationship and we talked about it a lot. The subject came up of us trying to be together again. At first I stuck my ground that I’d be open to dating if he wasn’t in a relationship. I feel his interest, but was really hurt when he didn’t break up with her right away. We get along so well, I thought it was obvious. (that was my problem I know) Apparently she told him she was ok with him sleeping with other women, why I don’t know, but he and I ended up sleeping together. I was curious to know what it would feel like. I’m glad we did, because I left feeling sure that he and I just don’t have the chemistry for more than friends, and I didn’t feel a romantic connection there. He asked me to get drinks with him/come over multiple times after that. I was so busy with school and not that interested so I kept saying no and that I wasn’t free until after graduation. So when that day came he congratulated me and said he wanted to take me out for drinks. I agreed since it was a nice gesture and I feel confident expressing how I feel in person better than in text. Well, we had a great time, he kept saying how proud of me he is and what a great woman I am and touching me and kissing my cheek. I told him I was happy just being friends with him and that I didn’t feel we had the chemistry to be more. I don’t want friends with benefits. He seems to think we can be more, but now is not the right time. He blames himself for how I feel because he admits to not being emotionally available. Ok..that’s him. We talk a lot about what we want for ourselves in the future. When we do, I feel like we are a match, but the fact that he is not pursuing me tells me we are not. I am very focused on my career and have my own “things” so does he, so I appeal to him in that way. I don’t “need” him. I told him I’d be home working all wknd and he wanted to come over. I told him that I’d be working and couldn’t spend time with him, and he said that’s alright, I’ll just bring my guitar. One thing that is unique about us is that we are super honest with each other. I feel like there is nothing I couldn’t say to him and we disagree a lot. He pushes, I push back. Sometimes I think I push back too hard. I realized I’m protecting myself. I don’t always allow him to see my vulnerability because I don’t want to feed his ego. The more I think about it, the more twisted it is.

    Today, I felt myself wanting his company, felt myself hoping he would come over, even though it’s better for me to work alone. Part of me feels like a failure because I failed to “attract” him. Which is weird, because he’s my friend we aren’t dating. I don’t know, I just had a meltdown, and I know he is part of it, but I dont know why. I feel good and alive in his presence, but at the same time closed off, scared, not trusting. I guess none of this really matters if he isn’t trying to date me.
    ok–back to work!

  178.  #178Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 12:00 am

    Millie 163

    Have you tried asking yourself why you’re alone? That question really helped me.

  179.  #179Daria on May 19, 2013 at 12:12 am

    cuz a real mac maca a bi*tch com alive, a real mack have a bit*ch feelin high… feelin high high high high … im ridin w my niga, Bit*ch… and his other bit*ch, an her sister, and we got his daughter at the park and her sister, his baby mama kid…but wat u doin ho , we ridin to tha club lata on u tryna go tryna go?… cuz a real bit*ch make that dick come alive come alive… a real bi*tch make the dick come alive come alive come alive come alive come alive… just a real day in the life of one caught in tha trap in tha trap… got a heart too close to a young bay mac… a young bay mak… cheezin an grinnin that polygamous livin got a bich head leanin lookin foolish ashanti eyez sparkling like chianti whole brain hypnosis all that swag dosage weak knees good thing i dont have to get up ill do everything you say bae… guess some jus got it u a mac in da bay

  180.  #180Daria on May 19, 2013 at 12:14 am

    ugh i so want to rap and share it with him in a video but i dont know if his phone gets vids

    how can i get it into an audio and make sure he gets it hmmm

    or whatever i feel shy now

  181.  #181Daria on May 19, 2013 at 12:37 am

    i love my shame

  182.  #182Daria on May 19, 2013 at 1:12 am

    im watching pornos! i feel shame and smile and hehe blush

  183.  #183Millie on May 19, 2013 at 1:32 am


    Most likely because I have a lot of design work and focus best when I work alone. That has taken up most of my time these days. Other than that, I don’t know. Maybe people don’t want to be around me. Or/and I dont want to reach out anymore.
    what was your answer to that question, when you asked yourself?

  184.  #184Millie on May 19, 2013 at 1:39 am


    I haven’t followed all of your comments, but in response to this last one, I’m wondering if you have abuse in your past, perhaps physical? Have you ever had a positive sexual experience? When you’ve been in love, does sex still not feel good?

    I find that I don’t enjoy sex when it’s with someone I’m not that “into.” For me, I need that emotional excitement along with the physical, or else it does feel icky and boring.

  185.  #185Daria on May 19, 2013 at 1:42 am

    omgosh i feel embarassed

    i noticed myself making myself wrong

    i also notice the thrill i feel

    and the thoughts about him

    and i want to shift to feeling this good and receiving more



    this is wonderful

    my intuition is on point and im taking great care of myself…

    i feel embarassed showing my raw music out

  186.  #186Laura on May 19, 2013 at 1:42 am

    Hi Rory,

    I’m so glad that I’ve stumbled across this website!!!
    I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year. There’s huge attraction between us, we have similar interests, views and plans for the future. Only one problem – I can’t commit due to my own situation. So we had mutual understanding that this was just a casual thing without any commitments to each other and we are free to date others.

    We would see each other once/twice a week and have lovely time. Both of us stared to get emotionally attached, even though it was not what he said, however I could feel that from him when we were together.

    The main issue is that on few occasions I was not happy about how he treated me. These were only minor things, such as couple of times extensiveness starring at other girl when we were out together, (understand that man look but there’s still subtlety about it and having respect to the girls that you are with). Other occasion was when we went away for a long weekend and on the last day he was texting another girl, he would walk away to the side to send a text, he said it was to do with work but when he checked his phone while sitting next to me I couldn’t help but notice a name of girl (who is defiantly not a colleague). And he was very distant from me on that last day away. I understand that we have this arrangement and it’s mainly due to my situation, but I was not happy for him to be arranging other dates while being with me.

    And the most recent thing: he felt a need to mention a visit to a strip club with the guys from work on a work trip.

    These things happened only on few occasions but didn’t make me feel good. I didn’t mention anything to him, but I believe that I should and I also want to let him know that I don’t like certain things he does or says. But how can I do that without coming across needy, insecure and negative???

    Sometimes I feel as if he’s saying things to bring my confidence down, or am I just overeating?

  187.  #187Daria on May 19, 2013 at 1:45 am

    nobody ‘liked’ my music but they liked my new pictures!

    i feel disappointed


    i feel ashamed (im practicing noticing when i feel shame)



  188.  #188Daria on May 19, 2013 at 1:48 am

    Don’t pay attention to it D!!

    Lean back even more!!!

    You’re doing so well!!


    Really really well!

  189.  #189Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 3:00 am

    Andea be gentle with yourself. You are obviously learning and more aware. You HEARD him and you WALKED away when it didn’t feel good. You noticed yourself sending energy towards him when you did. He might be lazy in the relationship. He might like picking your logic apart. He seems to be the convincer – which is where you want him. I would commit to letting him come over to me next time. Think of it as your power base. Making the choice to leave is the greatest power we own.

    He wants the relationship but he wants it all on his terms. You told him what you want. I would not repeat it. Consider that you are using the push/pull method. You gave him what he wanted maybe with the thought to push him towards what you want. Now pull back and stay pulled back even in your energy. Him being happy is somewhat good in that he opened up and shared his feelings. Let’s see if they are strong enough for him to engage his masculine instincts to go after what he wants. I believe he will want to recreate those feelings again. Allow him his emotional process.

  190.  #190Veronica on May 19, 2013 at 3:24 am

    150 – Indigo – Thank you for the hugs : )

  191.  #191Veronica on May 19, 2013 at 3:29 am

    I had a really crazy time the other day – it was NV day and they were having fun. I was so tempted to do something. I was seeing things and believing things that were so not true. If I wasn’t so attached to it I would be laughing deliriously at the concoctions I was feeding myself. I think my fear of public shaming was the only thing stopping me from actually doing anything, but I was sooo close. They make what could be opportunities to explore and open up into disabling and self-defacing memory jails. I could feel myself turning into this scowling, cowering, shrinking, hiding being. The NVs take the parts that I think are me, the things I think belong to me and the things I’m so invested in, make me believe their assessment of things and then start to distort what are healthy and normal thoughts, feelings and instincts into THREAT NOW THREAT NOW paralysis. The irony, which I am loving now, is that I used to see the Sammy character from Days of our Lives and think ‘who does that? Who walks around with a scowl mumbling all sorts of paranoid perceptions?’ Um me, in my room. Eventually I was believing the NVs, they’re so good keeping a lookout for me, and yes we should hatch a plan to sort out this TERRIBLE THREAT THAT IS LOOMING NOW, NOW AND NOW. But of course when I truly truly believe in anything, it’s usually the beginning of the end. I type out all that they say is *true*, getting all passionate about ENDING THIS THREAT NOW AND FOREVER MORE. And then they turn on me: ‘see, the problem is you’re clingy. And needy. Clingy and needy’. And because I believe them sooooo much I check a lot of ‘the signs of clingyness’ articles, because this is a SERIOUS THREAT NOW TOO. Then it’s banging my head against the wall time because nothing in the articles remotely confirm my thoughts, feelings, and instincts as clingy or clingy and needy. The NVs then re-calibrate – new threat or actual threat: it’s because so-and-so is emotionally unavailable. I almost believe them, typing furiously, yes that’s it! I feel myself get all worked up and also feeling astonished at my mounting need to accuse some people. One part of me thinks that these NVs have so much exacerbator-crazy in them and the other part of me feels satisfied since I know how to deal with this threat now. The next day I thought about what had happened on NV Day and shaking my head at the super crazy that was going on and I was believing. Since I didn’t act on any of it, there wasn’t much of it existing in the world and it just fell apart and dwindled. I’ve kept the page I typed out and filed it as WTF. So now I have a set of feelings/moments that are so vivid that hopefully in the future I’ll be able to sniff out the NVs. And the image I have for the NVs is that they exist on this one TV channel only and if I happen to find myself there, just change the channel. Or turn the volume all the way down ha ha ha. Feels like victory.

  192.  #192Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Susie and Otto Collins:-
    Opening your heart means feeling inside you and
    knowing that you love this person.

    Opening your heart means that you are choosing
    to go toward what you want instead of away from
    what you want.

    Opening your heart means stopping your habitual
    reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away
    from your mind chatter to your heart area.

    Opening your heart doesn’t mean that you have
    no boundaries but it does mean that you want
    to understand.

    Opening your heart is probably the most important
    shift you’ll need to make to create open connection
    and communication.

    And it only takes one person to open and to stop
    the pattern that the two of you normally follow.

    What if …

    …you know you can do a better job of communicating
    and connecting with your partner (or someone else
    in your life) and you just don’t know where or how to

    Most of us feel that way at some time in our
    relationships and lives.

    Sometimes it’s a one-time challenge and other
    times, you’ve been in a pattern of non-communicating
    or mis-communicating and you just don’t know how
    to get out of it.

    When this happens (or if this is happening now)…

    What do you do?

    How do you shift the communication?

    How do you get unstuck?

    Very often, some new communication and
    connection skills can make all the difference.

    If you’d like to learn some of our best
    communication and connection skills,
    strategies and insights for singles and
    couples–then go here…

    Stop Talking On Eggshells


    “How do you create loving and open connection and
    communication everyday, when both partners love
    each other very much but don’t know how to go about
    it and are fearful to communicate and be loving?”


    Here are a couple of things we know about creating loving
    and open communication and connection…

    **It doesn’t happen in one fell-swoop or overnight

    **It requires that at least one of you makes the decision to
    move past fear and break out of old patterns

    With that being said…

    Here are a few tips from our “Stop Talking On Eggshells”
    course that might help you move toward the connection and
    communication that you want…

    1. Identify your complaints and what you want to be different.

    Write down what your specific complaints are about your
    situation and how you’d like it to be. Until you’re clear about
    where you are and where you’d like to be going, you’re not
    going to be able to get there.

    It’s like telling your GPS that you’d like to go “somewhere”
    without having a specific destination in mind if you don’t get

    What is it that separates you and tears you further apart?

    Be specific about the thoughts, actions, and words, not
    only from your partner but also that you say and do.

    It’s human nature to look outward toward someone else
    as being THE fault but we challenge you to also look at
    how you may have contributed.

    Then ask what does being “loving” mean to you?

    What does it mean to your partner?

    Does it mean being kind to each other even when it’s

    Does it mean more physical touch?

    Ask yourself the same question about communication
    and be specific how you’d like to be able to communicate
    and be heard.

    2. Recognize how you and your partner shut down to
    one another and then learn how to open.

    You mention the “f” word–fear.

    It’s been said that fear is just “false evidence appearing

    Write down all of your fears that are keeping the two
    of you separated and put a checkmark beside the ones
    that you know to be absolutely true and happening at
    this moment.

    Chances are you don’t have very many checkmarks
    because if you’re like most people, when you’re fearful,
    you’re either reliving the past or worrying about a future
    that hasn’t happened.

    You’re not living in this present moment and what’s
    happening right now.

    So figure out what thoughts are shutting you down from
    each other and whether there is any truth to them or

    Even if there’s some truth to your fears, you don’t have
    to let them keep you from communicating in a loving
    way with each other.

    But you first have to learn how to open your hearts
    to each other, even when it’s difficult.

    Opening your heart means feeling inside you and
    knowing that you love this person.

    Opening your heart means that you are choosing
    to go toward what you want instead of away from
    what you want.

    Opening your heart means stopping your habitual
    reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away
    from your mind chatter to your heart area.

    Opening your heart doesn’t mean that you have
    no boundaries but it does mean that you want
    to understand.

    Opening your heart is probably the most important
    shift you’ll need to make to create open connection
    and communication.

    And it only takes one person to open and to stop
    the pattern that the two of you normally follow.

    3. Make a commitment to changing and make
    agreements that support your commitment.

    Talk together and see if you both are willing to
    make the commitment to changing some things
    about how you are with each other.

    If you can make a commitment and some
    agreements, that’s great.

    You might make the agreement to sit and be
    together doing something that you used to

    You might make the agreement to be kinder
    to each other, spelling out exactly what that

    If you can’t get a commitment or agreements
    from your partner, go ahead and make them

    Even one person changing can change the
    dynamic in a relationship.

    Will that relationship be everything the person
    wants if he or she is the only one actively

    Maybe or maybe not…

    In any case, you have nothing to lose unless
    you want to stay stuck in your relationship
    as you are.

    A loving connection and communication is
    created one moment at a time–and that’s no

    Take this moment right now to start yours!

    Talk to you again soon.

    Susie and Otto Collins

    Susie and Otto’s Quote Of the Week…

    “You can conquer almost any fear if
    you will make up your mind to do so.
    For remember, fear doesn’t exist
    anywhere except in the mind.”
    Dale Carnegie
    1888-1955, Author and Speaker

  193.  #193Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 4:09 am


    I find it’s a useful question to ask because it reminds us, if we are feeling rejected, that sometimes we are the ones keeping others at bay. And that’s not always a bad thing. Taking time to yourself, because you want to concentrate on work, or because you need to recharge your batteries, or because you love your own company, are all lovely reasons.

    For me, when I found myself feeling a bit sorry for myself when I was spending so much time alone, asking that questions kind of brought me up short and I thought, hang on. I *like* spending time every day and every week on my own, and alone time is something I would look for and need in a relationship. It helped me get a bit clearer on why I was actually physically finding myself alone, and that sometimes, it was because I wanted that.

    And that gives you choices. So yes, you could reach out and open up to other people more, or not. And that is great too.

  194.  #194Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 4:20 am

    Johnathan Aslay

    Here’s just a few things men fear most.
    •We fear needing you. because it makes us feel indebted.
    •We fear losing your respect, if you knew us better.
    •We fear not been see as a man, if we can protect you.
    •We fear falling too deeply, before we’re ready to fully commit.

    So the minute we feel fear, we bolt.

    It might be for a minute, it might be a day, it might be a week… but in these moments, we need space

  195.  #195Kath on May 19, 2013 at 4:21 am

    Oh Wow!!- Andrea, I feel huge warmth for your self awareness!- I am learning it too!- My Guy went away for 6days and I have had absolutely no contact from him at all, I have been heartbroken. I was on facebook last night and he suddenly put up a post about the marines (he’s a retired marine) and I felt sick to my stomach. I actually put that as a post and switched it off. Then this morning I get a text from him saying he’s sent me an email and put 3 kisses (the usual amount!) at the end of the text. I didn’t have the email so text him asking him to resend it- he said he’d sent it to my work email – so I text back “please could you resend to my home email as I don’t want to read a personal text that may upset me at work”. He didn’t respond. So I accessed my work emails and read it anyway. OH BOY!!- I predicted almost every word he said!- About how I was making him so unhappy in the relationship because of the way I “chatisized” him and that he thought I had to stop because I was “destroying” his soul- He thought we could be so happy together, his children think I’m womderful and his grandchildren too but I had to change. He said he was “prepared to give it one more try”. I took a deep breath and counted to ten and then I wrote back everything that I wanted to say. How I realised that he’d been a lot of pain and trauma in his life that he had never dealt with and that he needed to acceot he had a lot of work to do on himself as well. I accepted that things had to change but I said I was tired of being blamed for everything in our relationship being wrong. I said I wasn’t happy or confident that he would accept we had to work together to change and I would wait to hear from him or see him tomorrow. It felt so good to finally have the chance to say to him- I accept I have things I need to look at, but so do you. I am the first woman to have done that with him, I know. The others have all given him the power to call the shots, I’ve taken back my power!!-Yehah!!

  196.  #196Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Yay you Kath!!

    I know when I did that, and really believed it, things started to change.

  197.  #197Kath on May 19, 2013 at 4:44 am

    Thanks Indigo!- I feel so different today!- so empowered!-and amazingly calm and serene!- long may that continue!. I went out on friday night with a male friend of mine and had the biggest compliment from a complete stranger!- he said that he’d seen me out a few times with my Guy and that I hadn;t looked happy- he could tell there’d been problems for a while. He said I was beautiful and deserved to be happy!- He asked for my number, I gave it to him and the next morning he text me to say thank you for being you-you’re great!- My buddy (who was an FB) noticed and commented that I got taken out on a date and got chatted up by someone else!- My buddy took me out on his motorbike yesterday-all day!- it was fab!- I had such a wonderful day but then the evening really hit me!- feeling much better now though!

  198.  #198Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 5:21 am

    “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.

    Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate.

    Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

    I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

    Let our scars fall in love.”

    ~ Galway Kinnell

  199.  #199Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Kath there are a couple of things that jump at me in your comments but I am thinking it is best not to comment on them as ypu seem to be in a good mindspace right now.

  200.  #200Kath on May 19, 2013 at 5:57 am

    FW- I’d welcome your feedback.
    What jumps out at you?

  201.  #201Dominique on May 19, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Andrea -166 – That’s how becoming aware and healing and learning work. It’s a process. Your awareness is fantastic, and this will help you SO much. I still applaud you.


  202.  #202Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 6:37 am


    1. He knows his issues. Telling him he need to accept that he has to work on himself is saying the obvious and in my humble opinion will not inspire love. Changing yourself will. Rori has an article about telling a man anything about how he needs to change is useless. I got a shake my head moment when I read that comment as it went straight to my committed to being rightt rather committed to being happy filter.

    2. I am not happy – this comment shows lack of trust as if telling him he is incapable. I would assume he wants to make you happy and that the focus on the problem will shake his confidence. This is telling him he cannot do the relationship job. Maybe an “I hear ya and I want to trust you” could give him hope.

    3. The last thing I wanted to say is that some guys know when we are vulnerable and know the right things to say. They have experience. Also I would look at why I would want to discuss this relationship with him rather than with my guy. Think of you and your guy as a team not as opponents. Your guy if he knew he is likely to experience this as disrepect. It might not mean much to you right now because you feel wronged but I believe any man would feel disrespected and the other guy will eventually wonder when will you start talking to someone else about him. I get this talking to someone else about him reaction even from men at work. A man wants to know he can trust you to come talk to him when there are things bothering you. It doesn’t make sense when to me when they tend to stonewall but it is something I gave noticed.

  203.  #203Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Kath I believe all of what you wanted to say could be said with the right words. Also scripting ahead of time, maybe asking for help her, could help you rewrite without the blame or beating up on yourself. Remember relationships have patterns too. Being blaming right back at him will keep the pattern going. I also would suggest that his return will create a scenario. I guess LoveScripts for Relationships would have examples of that and how it could be handled. Hopefully someone who has that program could help you with that. Knowing his pattern – defensiveness, blaming – is good to be able to figure his reactions and to prepare your script. I believe a place you can both start is with making commitments. See what he is committed to doing by asking him. Committing to taking 100 percent responsibility for what happens in your lives would be a change I believe for both of you. At that place nobody is the problem

  204.  #204Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 6:52 am

    As a matter of fact there is never a problem. It is an opportunity to grow and learn together.

  205.  #205Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 6:58 am

    That quote I just posted made me really think. Perhaps I am just still looking for “Mr. Wrong” or perhaps I am making “Mr. Right” wrong! I cannot go back and fix what I’ve broke, but I guess I have to be more aware in the future…

  206.  #206Kath on May 19, 2013 at 6:58 am

    FW I hear what you’re saying however have you ever experienced what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship?- Where you are swept off your feet in the first few months of the relationship and told how wonderful and special you are and then as you learn more things about him, what;s happened in his life, relationship patterns start emerging and alarm bells start ringing and before long when You;re in his house, feeling as though he is slowly pushing you away because you now know too much about him and you’ve asked some awkward questions or been surprised by what you;ve heard, that you are suddenly the problem for him. He can’t feel safe with you because he has opened up and is now running scared, so he builds walls, pushes you away, makes you out to be the wrong one, so you give him space, reassure him everything’d alrught but mark your boundraies again- only to have him push you away further and tell you how much you’re hurting him. This is about mirroring- this is about me taking on his stuff and I should have kept it firmly with him.

  207.  #207Kath on May 19, 2013 at 7:04 am

    This is about us working together to break a life long pattern of behaviour that he has had and to encourage him to be open and feel safe with me. It is about me being strong and not taking on his emotional battering because it triggers my past- but when I tried to explain that to him all I got was “So, I have to suffer for the rest of our relationship because of what you’ve had before!”- Hardly helpful. It is about yes, being soft and helping him to open up but it is also about maintaining my own boundaries and not being responsible for his reactions.

  208.  #208Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 7:13 am

    The most effective script I ever used with D – and it started to turn our whole relationship around, and it completely took the force out of his aggression, and we actually have a rather awesome connection now – was one day he said something nonsensical and aggressive in response to something I had said. And my old reaction would have been to cry, turn in on myself, get hurt and defend myself and feel devastated.

    And I took a bit of a time out, and then somewhere deep inside, something which I can only describe as a lightness and a laugh surfaced. And I said to him something like, you can’t stop me from caring about you by being like this. You won’t drive me away with your armour. And that when I looked at him, I didn’t see the anger and the negativity, I saw the person that I loved. That I wanted to respect him, and I needed to be treated with respect. That I said a prayer for his wellbeing every night.

    Somehow, I no longer felt like he could really hurt me to the same extent.

    I can’t say what it was about those words, but they seemed to completely break the back of his aggression, and I can’t tell you how much more gently and respectfully he started to treat me after that.

  209.  #209Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Kath 206,

    Yes. For me it all changed when I refused to be hurt or affected in the old ways by his anger any more. I committed to speaking the truth in love.

  210.  #210Vi on May 19, 2013 at 7:18 am

    204 Luzydel – wow I feel so so moved.. thank you for posting this

  211.  #211Kath on May 19, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Indigo, yes!- if we must be the ones to lead the relationship then we must be the ones to show him that he needs to trust us and that we can see that he’s scared, his issues with women, has been really hurt in the past, has been treated badly, has been so confused by what he thought was love that he has now personal boundaries himself. I’ve said to him that I will protect him from people who are damaging but then I thought about it and thought- I am taking that away from him. He mixes with people who are more damaged than him because it takes the focus off him!- He can feel better about himself. And then when I say that to him, I’m making him out to be wrong aren’t I- but he does need protecting!

  212.  #212Kath on May 19, 2013 at 7:21 am

    I meant, he has no personal boundaries!

  213.  #213Syreena on May 19, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Who am I saying I am?

    I am saying I am a person who in reality has no great options at this moment is time, so have to take the least shit option for the time being.

    Why am I here?

    I am here because I unknowingly chose someone I believed I was in love with and them with me to repeat my pat abuse with and heap more pain and abuse on myself.

    What am I engaging in?
    Good question. Doing my best to create something better that feels good and not like pain and torture.

    What do I want? (More like this…)…. A magic wand but they do not exist in reality.
    Fantasy is better than reality sadly.
    I want a better, happier more loving life.

    Now the next question, how on earth do I realistically get there whilst doing my best to heal and trying to fuuuuvvvvvccccing cope with the actual realistic life situation I am actually in.

    Feel like a little girl at times who wants to run away, but there is nowhere to run too and no one who will be able to help.

    FIUU33UUCK. I feel overwhelmed.

  214.  #214Kath on May 19, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Syreena, I hear you Girl- That’s where I was at- wondering what the hell I’d done to deserve this again- wondering why I always seem to attract the same kind of guy!- But then I thought, this must be happening for a reason. I must keep meeting these people because we have work to do to make things better. I know I have stuff still to face and I want to work with my guy to help him with his stuff-but sometimes that stuff is bigger than the two of you are able to deal with!- I have learnt a lot over the past few years and I met my guy for a reason- I know he is a terrific guy but he has a lot of issues and a lot of pain!- he wants to have the same thing as me, but has yet to really face himself!- that;s why he needs to feel safe, to face himself and know that I won’t run a mile when he does.

  215.  #215Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Kath I got the impression that you want to remain this relationship. I can’t imagine why you would want to stay with an abusive man. If he is.

  216.  #216Daria on May 19, 2013 at 9:10 am

    i feel ashamed , scared, happy so happy

    i feel ashamed to feel so happy!

    and scared to!

    i don’t want to feel this way

    i want to heal this

    thank you

  217.  #217Daria on May 19, 2013 at 9:12 am

    mm in my understanding the men are the ones that lead relationship…

    we lead the way into our hearts by opening them? something like that

  218.  #218Daria on May 19, 2013 at 9:16 am

    ugh i wish he would call me

    or someone would

    i feel that loneliness i used to feel

    i guess im not so focused on caring for myself physicially now that the computer doesnt bother me as much anymore…

    and so im back in that old mindspace of ‘what am i gonna do today, nothing counts unless i ‘get’ to kick it with someone?”


    i feel sad scared and desperate

    and depressing that down

  219.  #219Andrea on May 19, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Oh Syreena, you actually DID that exercise. Wow. I read it. I contemplated it. But now, inspired by you, I’m going to sit down and really write those questions out.
    The first thing that came to mind as a response to yours was.. “Oh MY.. did I write that???” How are we all so similar? And wonderfully all transforming ourselves into beauties more incredible than we could have imagined.
    I’m feeling extremely thankful to have this blog and the comments. Thank you all for your responses to mine.
    I’m going to work out and really get this question down: What Do I Want??? Really. What do I want????

    And…. He is NOT the problem. He is not blocking me from what I really want.

    Sunday morning blessings. : )

  220.  #220Olivia on May 19, 2013 at 9:31 am


    Don’t forget the last step:

    “Be surprised”.


  221.  #221MovingMagic on May 19, 2013 at 9:36 am

    This has been such a great weekend all about friends and dancing. I’m blessed. 🙂

  222.  #222Daria on May 19, 2013 at 9:51 am

    im in that hormonal withdrawal?

  223.  #223Daria on May 19, 2013 at 10:04 am

    He texted me! right now when i forgot about it! and he wants to see me

    it would feel so good to see him, and i dont want to be around other women with him


    (((((((((((Daria’s fears and shames)))))))))))))))))))))

    ((((((((((((((((((((Daria’s thrills))))))))))))))))))))

  224.  #224Daria on May 19, 2013 at 10:04 am

    its gonna happen!

  225.  #225Daria on May 19, 2013 at 10:05 am

    im shaking…. eeeek :):) 🙂 🙂

  226.  #226Kath on May 19, 2013 at 10:24 am

    214 FW, I see him for what he is- a very damaged person. Its not his fault he is the way he is and I know there are times when he doesn;t know how to deal with or what to do with the feelings he gets. If he can feel safe in a relationship he can have the space to grow and work on those issues-but he has to want to. He will be 55yrs old in December-I will be 46 in July-we have choices to make about our future.

  227.  #227Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Kath so you are more together than he is?

  228.  #228Millie on May 19, 2013 at 10:56 am


    Thank you, I feel a lot better. It could be my choice. I think I need to sit with it awhile before I’ll really know the reason. xo

  229.  #229Kath on May 19, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Oh yes!- I have done a lot more self awareness work since my marriage broke up 10yrs ago- he was a violent man and I felt destroyed afterwards and needed a lot of healing time. However, I have been drawn again to men who need help but I feel my guy is worth it. He is lacking self awareness though and if we talk tomorrow that is something we need to air.

  230.  #230Daria on May 19, 2013 at 11:02 am

    so he hasn’t called back .. he’s still figuring out how to give me what i asked for

    but now i wish i had just said i dont want to be around other women, because i DO want to be around him and the kids

    and now i feel sad like im missing out


    i asked for cuddle time rather than no other women



    im all good

    i dont want to be waiting on him so im thinking of what else to do and its cool my homegirl found a BBQ party in the park at the city in a couple hours

  231.  #231Daria on May 19, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Kath – honestly your comments sound condescending/disrespectful of him as a man – like you’re his counselor or teacher. i know you don’t mean to sound that way… i can’t see that a good healthy man – and especially a healing man seeking to be a good healthy man – would feel respected and attracted with that vibe

    reading rori’s book and really using the STOP (hands over mouth tool when catching advice/teacherly thinking coming out from it) and being vigilant about feeling messages would be a fast way to get the energy healed and set up a possible healthy relationship

  232.  #232Daria on May 19, 2013 at 11:11 am

    ~~ Its not my fault I am the way I am and I know there are times when I don’t know how to deal with or what to do with the feelings I get. (Don’t we all?) ((((())))))

    If I can feel safe in a relationship I can have the space to grow and work on those issues-but I have to want to.

    I will be 46 in July- I have choices to make about my future. ~~~

  233.  #233Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Kath I really hope you will seriously take what Daria said into consideration because I am either not communicating effectively or you just cannot “hear” me. You are effectively saying this man is no good for you because he needs fixing. He can’t win with you.

  234.  #234Kath on May 19, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Daria, FW, I take your point-Yes- because he has been so attacking of me and what he says I need to do- I don’t feel that he is attracted to me anyway- and so I guess I have become defensive. OK, I need to keep looking in at me then-keep focussing on my needs and Daris, you’re right- I do need to feel safe to grow-and I don;t with him right now. When he says he’s prepared to give it one more go, and that he does love me-it feels as though I should be grateful for that- but deep down I can’t cope with anymore of his distant moods- I feel so unloved.

  235.  #235Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Things that I have been discovering that for me are true…

    I will always have expectations; no matter how much i fight it, I will.

    Sometimes keeping contact with failed CD’s help me realize that they aren’t that good for me because after disappointment I can see them for who they are. So leaning back is not necessarily a good or bad thing depending on the situation.

  236.  #236Kath on May 19, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Help me Ladies- This is what he sent me:
    Dear Kath
    I know its probably been a tough week for you, it has for me. We needed this time apart to look at what we want and what we are going to do.
    The things that we can achieve together are huge, my kids adore you and so do the grand kids. I could write a great long list of all good things we can do but they are all pointless if I/we are not happy. At the moment I am not happy with our relationship. I really do not think i can not live up to your expectations you are getting angry so quick and far to often. When you do the consequences are getting worse.
    I know I screw up and you have the right to be annoyed or upset with me when i get it wrong but your way of chastising me has got to stop, you are crushing me and taking away my spirit. After you have done what you do to me, i am really depressed and down for a long time. I cant be loving and nice to you and send nice texts when i feel like i am being abused by you.This is less about what you say its how you say and do it. I have tried to tell you how its affecting me and you keep doing it. We have no future if you keep doing it.
    I am prepared to give it one more try, I would like to rent a place and we can see how we get on. If things work out and can re-discover the best of ourselves then we can look to buy somewhere later on in the year.
    Next door got in touch with me and have been able to raise the full amount to buy the house. I will be speaking to them tomorrow and all being well we will have a for sale sign on the sign this week
    I do love you but things have got to change
    How should I respond?

  237.  #237Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Kath…If a man says that to me I will melt; even if it sounds attacking. I take it as I know you’re not perfect, neither am I, but I am willing to work it out and make it better… to me a real man does that, he is not hiding, he is confronting things.

    Go deep into your feelings and feel everything before you have an answer if any…

  238.  #238Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Luzydel that is lovely. Kath it is a perfect time to pause you don’t have to respond immediately

  239.  #239sophie on May 19, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Hi Kath As per daria and FW it feels like you do still want to try with this man and I guess that’s the first thing to work out is that you do.

    If you do I wonder whether or not you can try and discuss what it is you need from each other, what that looks like and ask each other whether it is something the other feels able to do/provide?

    Ala Indigo whether there is someway to approach this gently and ala Rori always asking him what he thinks?

    Something like “it would feel good to be able to talk openly about what we need from each other without any accusation to see how that feels what do you think?” One talks and one listens. For example: I need to feel safe and what that looks like is regular communication or whatever – what do you think?” and then see what he thinks and whether he can provide that for you and let him do the same for you – I need… what do you feel? and tell him how you feel.

    It seems (and I have been there) that things between you can escalate quite quickly into high energy states where blaming and defensive behaviours are activated and if this has become a pattern it could (from my experience be very quickly activated especially if you’re harbouring lots of built up angry towards him and without meaning to looking for ‘signs’ of the behaviour that feels unpleasant). I suppose if you are going to try you may want to think about doing some work that you are surrendering to trying one hundred percent which would mean doing the tools to stop that – as FW says the hand over the mouth/the working away/ a gentle that doesn’t feel good – in whatever way possible defusing the situation when triggered so that you can look at the trigger in peace and clarity and from your own perspective.

  240.  #240sophie on May 19, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Kath)))) I agree with FW pause is good I always feel the impulse to respond directly but pause is good 🙂

  241.  #241Kath on May 19, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    But after everything he has said over the past few months and everything that he has done- the constant talking about his wife, the statement that he misses seeing his female friend, the statements that he wants to go to the rally on his own- what am I supposed to take from that?- that he is bored with me and wants his freedom back- that he really doesn;t understand why he needs to stop talking to me about his wife and focus on being with me?- what do I take from that??

  242.  #242sophie on May 19, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    @238 should say walking away NOT working away which is the exact opposite! oops!

  243.  #243Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Kath you take from that a messgae to focus on your FEELINGS and SHARE them. You tell him how to words make you feel second class to the point of being angry enough with him and yourself that sometimes you feel blinded by rage. Blinded and blocked to the point that you feel like breaking stuff. Tap into the fear and anger that his words stir up in you and really put words it them here using riffing.

  244.  #244sophie on May 19, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    @Syreena 212

    I love your processing of this feels honest and inspiring. Honest enough to inspire me to have a go…

    Who am I saying I am?

    I am saying I am a person who is led by others. I am saying that I privilege other people’s needs above my own. I am saying I am scared and need protecting. I am saying I am cooler than I am.

    Why am I here?

    I am here because I am confused. I am here because I like him. I am here because I am confused. I am here because I am confused. I am here because to let him go feels sad.

    What am I engaging in?
    I am engaging in a situation that doesn’t give me the satisfaction that I crave and that leaves me wanting. I am engaging in the wanting and that feels sad; that feels like the post on the girl who eats from the soup kitchen cos she doesnt believe she can have the banquet.

    What do I want? I want the full package. I want a man who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I want to feel cherished and adored. I want (like Mercedes said of her man) a man who would give me the world if he could. i want to feel like the fairy queen in my fairy kingdom with my fairy king.

  245.  #245Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Kath I would experiment with words like I hear ya. I see what you are trying to do and I respect you. He is trying to provide and might need you to speak to his need to be heard and respected. Masculine shame is what I believe is crippling him right now.

  246.  #246Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Tereana #175, I applaud you for being self-aware of your sexual hang-ups and working on them.

    Were you sexually abused as a child or did it something happen in your childhood that created a deep distaste in you about something as natural as sex?

    Until a woman feels right with and in her sexuality, this will always creep up as a problem both in dating and relationship.

    My new blog post just addresses this very issue that a lot of women face (click on my name to get to it).

  247.  #247Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Also this email suggests he want to start clean, turn over a new leaf. As such if bringing up the past I would not talk directly about it. I would use Rori’s I want to feel special and worthy. I don’t want to hear about other women or feel like just one of the crowd. What do you think? Or can you help me with that?

  248.  #248Kath on May 19, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Fw- I never want to break stuff- he;s done that-he;s the one that loses his temper so much that he lashes out and breaks stuff. I just vent- I get the feelings out, they may be loud and they may be messy but they’re real-and that;s what he can’t cope with. I do feel second rate when he acts that way, I do feel that I’m just someone he’s talking to, he forgets who I am, it hurts and feels awful.

  249.  #249Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Kath,I haven’t followed all your posts but he’s right that your expectations of him is killing his pride as a man and his spirit slowly but surely.

    What kind of expectations do you have?

    Instead of focusing on your expectations and how they are not met that poison your relationship, why not focus on the great loving things he does for you and thank him for them?

    When you shift your vibe from resentment to gratefulness, you will shift your relationship almost overnight. I get that kind of report from my clients whom I teach the same thing. Try it.

  250.  #250Kath on May 19, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    The only expectation I have is to be loved and to feel special to him, like he said I used to. That is all I want!!!- It is he who has put the barriers up and stopped the flow of the relationship because he thinks that I am putting him down- he is replaying with me relationships he has had before and I can see him doing it!- its the exact same pattern!- but yet I am taking it- and even though it hurts like hell- I am going to stand my ground and say what I feel and that its not all about me-its about him too-because I truly truly believe that is the problem!!-I maybe don;t word it right but the pain and the hurt are still real

  251.  #251Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    I leaned forward… I contacted Captain CD and it got kind sh*tty… I didn’t attack, but I got all emotional, don’t know what’s going on but hanging out with you sirens have made me a bit emotional 😉

    He didn’t say sh*t and that was a sign that he is gone, so I just have to let it go. I rather a guy tell me that I am an emotional wreck than him being quite and say nothing. I guess a bit of a reaction says he still cares, but his silence just tells me he doesn’t. I am a bit burned, but I cannot let this get to me even if it hurts a little, there’s another man somewhere ready to teach me a new lesson. I do admit that things are getting better with each new serious CD I have, The next one will be better than captainCD, sounds good.

  252.  #252Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Kath you’re only responsible for your part in the relationship. You cannot make him work on himself, he has to do that on his own. Just step back and take a break. Work on yourself and let him work on himself. You trying to make him work on himself mat make him feel like you’re attacking even when you’re not.

    The question is…Do you want to be loved? or Do you want to Be right?

  253.  #253Kath on May 19, 2013 at 1:02 pm


  254.  #254Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    Kath, did you feel special in the beginning? What changed?

    A lot of women don’t realize how they turn a Prince Charming into a frog. Expectations are the culprit.

  255.  #255Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    In my experience when a woman behaves in a way that inspires his manhood and be grateful for the right things he does, he will want to do more of them. They change to a frog the minute their woman is trying to change them and begrudge them for things that don’t meet her expectations.

    And if a woman has tons of self-love, she will need less “display of love” from him to feel good about herself or that won’t affect her so much how he behaves as she won’t take everything so personally.

    So you gotta feel full within yourself first before you can have a great relationship with anyone. That’s the hardest part of being in relationship: having a great relationship with yourself first.

  256.  #256Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Without respect than can be no love.

  257.  #257Vi on May 19, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    I meet lots of people trying to interact or be helpful to me somehow today and I also wear no make up.. and I feel tense accepting help and care..because of the thought it makes me less lovable in the eyes of other people.. hehe.. but mainly I make myself less lovable in my own eyes.. I love my tension 🙂 I am lathering a thick layer of love on this thought too.

  258.  #258Syreena on May 19, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    It feels good to hear other Sirens were inspired. It helped me. Hope it also helped other Sirens. Thank you Rori.

    Kath. The answers are all in you.

    Katrina I get what you say that when we are grateful, appreciative and thankful for the things he does, he wants to do more of the same and that is great.

    However, appreciating thanking and being grateful for a mans good qualities does nothing to INSPIRE him to WANT HIM to CHANGE his toxic qualities. Which is what most women are hoping for. And often they do not show up at the beginning when they are trying to get sex or win us. And we are centered caring more about ourselves then him. It’s over time the toxic qualities the real him begins to show.
    Question is are his toxic qualities tolerable or a dealbreaker?

    Sadly attacking, complaining, sulking etc etc. does nothing to inspire him to want to change himself. We can’t change anyone they have to want to do it themselves. Only by changing ourselves putting the focus back on what we want and I agree having no expectations as in take it or leave it attitude will we inspire him to want to change himself if he is the right man for us.

    Rori teaches this with commitment blueprint and love scripts and Cding. Then he either steps up or he doesn’t.

    So we then either except those toxic qualities along with the good, which I may have wrong it appears you are advocating. By just appreciate the good.

    Or by that time after doing Roris tools if he hasn’t stepped up we no longer want him and we leave.

  259.  #259Syreena on May 19, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Kath, it feel best to me to focus on my real feeling in the moment, rather than just focusing on the good and ignoring the bad or pretending the bad don’t matter.

    So when a man does something that I like and feels good I express I feel good or whatever positive emotion I feel and thank him.

    If he does something that feels bad and I don’t like I am not going to ignore it though and pretend I haven’t noticed or I feel ok or good about it. I am going to do my best to express it, if it feels safe to do so. Sometimes it isn’t safe to do this.

    Our negative feelings are there for a reason to listen to, they are not bad, they can actually save our life when listened to. They are all a gift.

    I trust all of my feelings they are my friends here to help and guide me.

    People who have past abuse have been taught not to trust their feelings and that they are wrong. Especially anger. They are not wrong or bad. That is a lie.

  260.  #260Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    “However, appreciating thanking and being grateful for a mans good qualities does nothing to INSPIRE him to WANT HIM to CHANGE his toxic qualities”

    I dunno Syrena, I have men change themselves because they want to keep getting this good stuff. I have also seen them change because a woman shows that she believes in him. The belief and admiration of good qualities get some men to really look at themselves. Many of them in their heart of hearts believe that they are good guys.

  261.  #261Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Syreena, stick to your deal breakers and remove the expectations. If they are not deal breakers, try to learn to live with them. Nobody is perfect. You can discuss it once or twice and find middle ground but to keep harping at it will only ruin your relationship over time.

    You have to learn more the art of take it or leave it. Great if he changes, but if he doesn’t and you decide to stay then accept it for your own peace of mind.

  262.  #262Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Gosh why do did this to me; yuck! yuck! I leaned forward and said things that were pathetic. He doesn’t want me! and now I feel like crap! I can’t turn a few hrs back and not do it, I was bored and laying i bed and just texted him, I should’ve wake up and go to the mall or the store etc.

    Not trying to be harsh on myself, I did it and now I feel yuck and angry. I want to like someone else again…

  263.  #263Femininewoman on May 19, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
    — Gilda Radner

  264.  #264Rachel on May 19, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    I’m feeling so much tonight … wondering if I can get some thoughts from some of you. I just spent three days with my boyfriend. We love each other very much, but he lives far away so we don’t get much time together. That will hopefully change within the next year…

    Right now, I’m struggling with the intense physical aching for him. After three days of touch, hugs, sex, sharing … I miss him so much. My body feels empty, lonely.

    I don’t doubt his love at all, but I don’t know how to deal with the longing to physically feel him.

    I find that for the first few days after a visit, I’m really sad and depressed. He feels it and I know it makes him upset that I’m hurting. It’s not that he’s doing anything wrong … just that we’re apart and I have to readjust again to being without him (in person).

    I’d love to hear your thoughts or ideas on how I can handle these feelings more gracefully. I keep trying to process it and yet every time, I feel this pain.

  265.  #265Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Rachel, look forward to the next time you are together again. When is it gonna be? Meanwhile fulfill your own emotional needs by getting occupied in exciting, fun and wholesome projects.

  266.  #266Rachel on May 19, 2013 at 6:22 pm


    thank you … I am usually ok after a few days and I get busy in life and projects again. It’s the first days after separating that are so hard. It feels like a physical need to have his touch .. like my body craves it

    I do look forward to the next time .. but it may be a few months! 🙁

  267.  #267Luzydel on May 19, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    I want to be emotionally distant towards men; have sex without attachment and don’t feel sad when they leave forever. I want to accept my solitude and be happy with it. I just do not want to expect commitment and love from men anymore… How can I become that woman?

  268.  #268Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    You can have sex without attachment, Luzydel. Attachment is the result of illusion that you can control the outcome of your relating/relationship. You’ll feel bonded yes, perhaps..depends on the man. You’ll feel emotional closeness but it doesn’t have to mean attachment.

    You can date and enjoy dating (and sex) while being detached to outcome. Don’t get ahead of yourself, observe and stop getting excited way early in the game only to get crushed later by unmet expectations.

  269.  #269Lisa on May 19, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    I haven’t been engaged for a week b/c of a sexual offender ( that I found out was living next door to me) was staring into my house a few times… so I’ve been living at my boyfriends…

    So, wow! I say to the world I’m not ready to live with this man and then BAM I am to avoid living next to a sexual offender. It was terrifying… to say the least.. found him staring into my house..

    Here I was living with “M”… and boy did I get to really find out what we are made of. We had bumps in the road… and we talked worked them out.. and it was great! He said he was happy I was there, loved waking up to me and that it seemed to flow… I was happy too! It felt good.

    I’m back at home now.. liking that too! I had sick feelings in my belly too. It all came to a head tonight talking to my best friend ( who is a man) and he said Lisa what do you get out of being with selfish men… ?

    I started sobbing and sobbing… when I said it’s comfortable b/c I grew up with a Narcissist Dad…. He said maybe “M” wants you to tell him what you want and stand up for yourself and respect yourself!! Like he does! Maybe he doesn’t want to be responsible for always asking you what you want. Maybe since he just tells you what works for him, then he wants you to respond with “what works for you”.

    My friend said and while your at it, stop putting everyone else’s feelings and wants before your own!…

    I was sobbing and sobbing… I know it’s true. He said you are training “M” not to care about your feelings, needs. Can you see that. ?

    I know it’s true! He said you want to keep men at arms length so you don’t get hurt… you give intimacy but you don’t know how to receive it. I know he is correct.

    So, then I read Rori’s blog post, so appropriate I think, the man is never the issue… SPOT on for me tonight!

    Maybe “M” wants a woman that stands up and says what she wants and backs it up… maybe he wants a woman that challenges him instead of giving him his way. And maybe “M” wants a woman that takes care of herself! Loves herself! enough to do these things… ???

    Feels right… he says what he wants and I just stay silent.. and why do I do that? Because I’m afraid to say what I want for fear of not getting it.!!! and I allow him to think that what he wants is what I want b/c I don’t respond. I just don’t say anything….

    Thanks Rori for this post, it just confirmed what I had tonight in my ah ha moment…

    It felt soooo good to sob that old crap out… and not take it to “M”. Now next time I see him, I’ll be more free inside and not carrying around old baggage…

    So grateful for this group of amazing women!


  270.  #270Lisa on May 19, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I certainly wouldn’t wanted to wait until I’m 50 to have sex… I’m soo glad I haven’t.

    Sex has many many beneficial physiological responses to the body and brain. It is a human need. Studies show that it decreases depression, increases immune function, lowers stress and blood pressure, you burn 350 calories each time…. and so much more.

    for me, it is all a journey. I don’t regret my sexual life at all!!!… it’s like anything else in life you live and you learn. Sex is a healthy part of life. The only reason someone would wait is due to religious reasons… and it is extremely rare to find anyone that can adhere to that dogma. For me, it was like going to school. I learned a lot.. and I know what works for me now. It’s all good..

    I think Rori is very zen like and also Tao.. but it feels very non- duality to me… it ‘s all good in the end it comes down to what’s going on with me… just my thoughts…

  271.  #271Katarina Phang on May 19, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Lisa, you’re right that Rori is very Zen and non-dual. The dualistic thinking is the cause of many of our inner conflicts. Sex and everything else should be about first hand experience and being aware of whatever fluctuates in your mind.

  272.  #272angela on May 19, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    i gave up on him. and even though it was imaginary it hurts so much. i couldn’t contain my tears. i cried for so long. i felt that i went back to that place where i am alone where nobody wants me. why does it feel so hard?
    when i was dreaming about him. it was possible to think about true love even with other men. i am so confused so lost. i feel so rejected nothing makes sense anymore. just want to fall asleep and for it to be a better day. just want to be rid of all my fears when will it happen.

  273.  #273Violette on May 19, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    A guy invited me to see him in a play and said he’d get me tickets, and that he had so much busyness going on that if he didn’t call be by Mon to confirm them to call him and remind him…if that happens should I? I welcome all your thoughts on it.

    I lean towards sure I’ll remind him, but I don’t know…

  274.  #274Lisa on May 19, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    @ Violet

    I had that happen and I don’t fall for it…

    If they don’t call or can’t remember then they don’t go out with me… I don’t baby sit them.. Just my 2 cents… don’t know how others do it…

    “M” did that after about 2.5 months of dating saying he needed help with remembering our dates… I said Oh how did you manage it before? He quickly shut up and didn’t say anything else…

    I think some men want to be mama’d…

  275.  #275Andrea on May 19, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Yes.. I do agree with Lisa.. (Violette 272)
    I’m learning so much through my relationship with one year guy. I mothered him, made it easy for him, he’d say, “Why don’t you call me and we can get together sometime.” So I did.
    What I realized after finding tons of flirtations between him and other women online and through texting and phone calls… is that there were one or two very unique women who said… “No, I don’t call men.” And those women were the ones that he pursued relentlessly. Those women who didn’t make it easy were his focus.
    I was in his bed, sure. I was supposedly his girlfriend, sure. But a lot of that time that we were together, he was focused else where, thinking that I was already.. “got”. I was easy fall back girl.
    So…. all I would say is… it all depends on what you want. If all you really want in this exchange with this guy REALLY is some tickets to a great show… then, no harm in calling him. Get your tickets, enjoy the show.. (bring a date.. hah!) and then move on.
    But.. if you’re thinking that this could possibly be some kind of start of a relationship, if this a dance to Happy Every After… then… don’t call him. If he wants you there, he’s gonna make sure you get there. But then.. there you go. You might find out really quickly that he doesn’t care one way or the other, that to him this whole ticket thing was just to see if you’d be another one of his easy peezy gals.
    You might not get to see the show. You might not get the reaction that you wanted to get. But at least you will know for sure where he stands.
    AND wouldn’t it be so totally awesome if the Universe surprised you and this guy really went out of his way to make sure you were there. ???? Wouldn’t that be fun??
    But right now it sounds like.. hey, it would be cool if you were there, but you are forgetable.

  276.  #276Indigo on May 19, 2013 at 10:03 pm


    I read the comments from FW, Daria and Katarina Phang to you, and I think I understand what they are saying.

    However, I hope you don’t take away from this that it is wrong to feel bad or hurt when he does things that anyone would find bad or hurtful. Our negative emotions are our guide, and are valuable just as our positive ones are.

    For me, I think it’s about learning to be in this situation in a new way. When you feel those feelings, it’s an opportunity to *speak* those feelings, yet experiment with doing it in a way that he can hear. Without drama, without accusation, and with the full knowledge that you can take care of *you*. Speak from a place of truth – personally, I do not apologise for my feelings when I speak them, and I also try not to make the other person a victim of them. I speak in “I” language, and then I go and do something to take care of myself.

    I think if you stay, the overarching motivation should be love. He will feel that and more than anything, that has the ability to inspire someone to be a better person.

    Personally, I thought his letter to you was very romantic and I would use it as an opportunity to really see his love for me, and how much things have to change. Such a letter would inspire me.

  277.  #277Andrea on May 19, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Wow!! Great Trigger though.

    I’m so feeling a connection here with Violette’s question. This is me, in all of my male interactions up to the point of finding Rori’s info.

    I’m always waving my bells and whistles.. “Hey Here I Am.. don’t forget about me!! Let me remind you that I’m here! Let me call you, text you, facebook you, pop up where you might be, to remind you that I exist! And let me do what ever it takes to prove to you that I already like you. YOu don’t have to do anything just sit back and let do it all. Remember me? Hey here I am!!!”

    And the message I’ve gotten was that if a guy was used to that happening in his past relationships, then he would “like” me. He’d sit back comfortably and let me do all the work in the relationship. Give me my little rewards, and save his energy for the sirens out there who really caught his attention and challenged him.
    Or… if he was a guy who really was into being a man, who really was looking for a siren and wanted the challenge and the growth, then he would say to me, “Well, I might get around to you. Thanks for letting me know. I’m glad you’ll still be here when I get done finding what I really want.”

    Wow… Violette’s guy said to her, “I want you at my show. But I might be to busy to remember you.”

    Holy Crap!! That’s the story of most all of my relationships. “Yeah, you’re cool to have around right now cause you stroke my ego and make everything easy and nice for me, but I’ll probably forget you in the future.”

    No wonder I’ve been so worn out!!!!


  278.  #278Vi on May 19, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    I feel my boundaries are being tested.. hehe.. I feel my boundaries!! yay!!! you know Vi that you and your boundaries are in good hands 🙂 and by the way what are the questions to ask ?..

    ‘Who am I saying I am?

    Why am I here?

    What am I engaging in?

    What do I want? ”

    and – What I don’t want? ….

    I feel afraid to answer these questions but I am still going to do it… because it feels like safety as well… actually I already did in my mind while I was writing this… exhaling with relief… I love me

  279.  #279Vi on May 19, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I feel relieved and soft voting for me

  280.  #280Kath on May 20, 2013 at 12:58 am

    He’s back today and said we should try and talk- I am so tired!- tired of feeling so much and trying to not be upset, hurt, angry etc- I just feel numb now- completely empty- when he said we should try and talk I replied that would be really good but I feel so far away from you, I hurt a lot right now. No response to that. When we do talk though, I will say that I don’t want to talk about the past I only want to focus on the future. I want to ask him what he wants from the relationship and what he thinks he should do to make things better. I don’t feel special to him anymore and I don;t know how that can change, or if it can. Thanks Ladies- I know I’ve fought with some of the things you’ve said but I think much of it is starting to make sense now!- Wish me luck for later!

  281.  #281Millie on May 20, 2013 at 2:35 am

    272 Violette,
    I agree with Andrea and Lisa. If he doesn’t remember you, certainly don’t remember him.

    @Andrea-wow, every time I read one of your comments/posts, my reaction is wow! I love how you translated the man’s small, casual comment into something very communicative. It reminds me that most of the time, men say what they mean and mean what they say, sometimes we just aren’t listening or hear what he want to hear. So interesting…

    I’m laying in bed, asking myself questions since I felt so triggered yesterday. I feel some soul searching is needed. I found that I’ve been thinking about a man who is my friend, yet we have some chemistry. I saw him friday, so reconnecting has surfaced some feelings.

    I feel upset that I’m “thinking” about him.
    I feel disappointed in myself for not being what I imagine as soft and open with him.
    I am worried I was too honest with him.
    I am worried I hurt his feelings.
    I feel frustrated that I’m worrying about his feelings.
    I notice how hard I push him away.
    I feel confused, part of me enjoys having his energy near me, part of me is scared and wants to push it away with both hands, this is the part that wins.
    I notice how I shut down. How I protect myself with combative words, how I refuse to let his kisses and touch penetrate me.
    I wonder if I am “punishing” him? Punishing him for what? for not “choosing” me, for not wanting me more??
    I am confused, because I do not know if I even want him.
    I feel angry at myself for even entertaining the idea of desiring him. He is not pursuing me as more than a friend at this time, so my thoughts should not even go there.
    I feel myself getting angry in his presence when he “makes a move” because I don’t want a friends with benefits relationship.
    At the same time, I feel so attractive and I love the affection and attention he gives me, but I don’t trust it.
    I feel angry that after all these years being friends he would rather be fwb than date me.
    I love his friendship, but my feelings confuse me.
    My reactions confuse me
    I feel myself push people away that I want close.
    I feel myself choose to be alone. I feel alone.
    I feel like I have everything, I love myself, I love being with myself, I love when others see that in me too.
    I want to be a siren, I want to embody all those amazing qualities, I know I can. I have so much inner work to do…
    I wonder why my work and projects feel so clear to me. I wonder if I hide behind my work?? Hide? Not hide, I feel good when I work. I feel talented, valuable, special, successful, proud of myself, happy, inspired, I feel movement in my body and mind, I love being creative. Each project is new, different, and challenging. I love my work.
    I don’t want my work to consume my life though.
    I crave human connection.
    Maybe my doubt and confusion about this man stems from my loneliness. Stems from the fact that my dating plate is pretty damn empty, on the other hand, I have a lot of job interviews happening. I am CDing potential employers haha, I wonder if that works in the same way!

    Well if anyone reads my ranting, you deserve a prize!
    My Late night venting and churning…

  282.  #282Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Hi Millie what kind of prize are you offering?

  283.  #283Rachel on May 20, 2013 at 5:12 am


    I hear you. I am asking myself the same questions right now after feeling like I pushed my guy away too much this past week. Why? I love him and I do crave that connection. So what shuts me down? It hurts a lot to know that I do this. I really want to be open and inviting. Sometimes I can be … this week wasn’t a good one. So now I struggle with beating myself up.

    I need to LEARN here … to let this work happen and to be changed inside. I thought I’d come a long way, but how quickly I slip back.

    Hugs to you, Millie … I’m glad you feel good in your work. That is something good to hold onto

  284.  #284Kath on May 20, 2013 at 5:26 am

    #275 Indigo,

    Thank you- I have read your post over and over again in an effort to really hold on the words. I am trying to deal with how I feel about this- and I do feel really really hurt. I feel abandoned too- and I feel unloved. Even his letter didn’t make me feel the love that some of you have heard in it. I need to get to a point with him where I can focus on the here and now- but my issue is that he has now taken 6 days of no contact, he’ll be back for four days and then he;s off for his rally on his own- what message am I supposed to gain from that. I still feel that he wants his cake and eat it- My expectations of a relationship are to be loved, to be honest and be open- that;s it- there is no other expectation any one can have-I’m really not feeling there is that in anything he has said- his actions have spoken so much louder to me than any of his words.

  285.  #285BeLoved on May 20, 2013 at 5:44 am


    What if it’s not his job to make you feel loved?
    or to feel special?

    I would really really sink into those feelings of hurt and abandonment, feel where they take me.

  286.  #286Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Kath – 210 – It is not your job to protect him. This is so far into masculine energy. You inspire him to heal by healing yourself. If he chooses not to come along for the ride then he was never the right one for you.

    Have you read this one?



  287.  #287Andrea on May 20, 2013 at 5:46 am

    Everyday that he doesn’t call or reach out to me is another day in which I get to practice becoming the siren that I know is in me.
    I get to feel those wonderful, alive feelings of rejection, hurt, feeling set aside, feeling curious about what I really want, wanting love, realizing… “Oh My God.. I have the power to love myself!” I also have the power, ability, and willingness to love what is exactly in front of me in every moment.
    My beautiful daughters, my home, the spring rain, my studies, the opportunities to get a part time job, the neighbors.. etc… my heart is so big and amazingly so full.
    I’m really diving deep into Rori’s e-book, chapter 5 in which I do meditation and writing about my ideal relationship. And honestly, getting down to it, I’m finding that what is coming up is fantasizing the fun and the freedom of having lots of men from different walks of life, calling me, asking me out on dates, doting on me. It feels like right now my feminine goddess wants variety and fun and freedom and dating.
    What a revelation!!! My fantasy relationship is one with myself in which many men feel wonderful about themselves because of me, and the rewards are bountiful. I’m feeling like right now that is a great spot to be in.
    Man-Magnet phase One!!!!! : )

  288.  #288Kath on May 20, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Beloved, if that is not the main thing you can hope for in any romantic relationship and from your partner, then what is the point of being in a relationshiop at all??- I am not saying that I don’t love myself or feel that I am special- I do, and I also think that the person you commit to should think that too-otherwise what is the freeking point in being in a committed relationship at all!-

  289.  #289BeLoved on May 20, 2013 at 5:59 am


    I’m not saying it is or it isn’t, I’m asking “what if”.

    The talk of princes into frogs reminds me of reading about Frog Farming, in The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong. She talks about how women meet men who are princes at first, then over time become frogs and what our part, as women, is in that dynamic.

    “My expectations of a relationship are to be loved, to be honest and be open- that;s it- there is no other expectation any one can have.”

    I would question this – you seem to have expectations that he not be aggressive, or express aggression, or leave to go off on his own for several days at a time, or to take space and go NC for himself, that he somehow come up with the magical words and actions that ‘make’ you feel ‘loved’ and ‘special’, the he work on himself, that he play the role of the perpetrator so you can feel abused, that he not take the role of the victim and feel abused because that’s your role…I see a LOT of expectations in what you write.

  290.  #290Kath on May 20, 2013 at 5:59 am


    You’re right!-Yes!- I need to live this article!- Re-thinking what he said in the letter, and then applying the article, he wants me to be the one for him- and I have to carry on my healing-I cannot let his stuff be my stuff and I have to learn to say what feels good and what doesn’t-but I also have to remember that he might not be the right one for me- but deep down I think he is-really deep down, if he sto0pped making me the barrier-but then I have to stop being the barrier to him. I’ll have to stop using masculine energy- you’re right!- Grr!- am I ever going to get this???????????

  291.  #291Kath on May 20, 2013 at 6:08 am

    #288, Beloved, I firmly believe that we should be responsible and accountable for our actions and behaviour- whether you have few expectations of life or people or many, it is your choice. Perhaps expectations is not the right word to use but it is the one he used in his letter so perhaps subconsciously I am exploring what that could mean.

  292.  #292BeLoved on May 20, 2013 at 6:11 am

    I want to be clear that I don’t believe you are wrong for having expectations – I just got hung up on a few of my own very recently – just saying that I find it feels crappy in the moment, but much better in the long run to own the ones I have and notice what I do/think/feel when the expectations aren’t met.

  293.  #293Kath on May 20, 2013 at 6:17 am

    I hear what you’re saying Beloved, but I’m respecting myself and saying what it is I want and need in a relationship- I’m not asking for anything I wouldn’t do myself. If he can’t step up, then he’s not the man for me.

  294.  #294Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Kath – . If You Are, In Any Way, Engaged In A “Power Struggle:

    …your focus is in a place that will keep you stuck.

    Eliminating that view altogether will leave you in a softer place from which you can move to a more satisfying next step.

  295.  #295sophie on May 20, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Beloved – I don’t know whether it was you that mentioned The Queen’s Code originally but I got onto it – read it, loved it, watched read what I could and have found (in compliment with everything here) to have really really helped me exactly with some of the things that Kath seems to be struggling with. The main info for me was the depth it/Alyson goes into around the experience of being a man – it helped me to see things from the man’s perspective in a completely revolutionary way. It has definitely helped me change the way I relate to a man I have in my life at the moment and help me feel less ‘offended’ by any male behaviours and I have seen abig change in him since I was able to understand him better and hence give him a bit of a break 🙂 x

  296.  #296Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Sophie that’s awesome.

  297.  #297Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 6:30 am

    260: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Syreena, stick to your deal breakers and remove the expectations. If they are not deal breakers, try to learn to live with them. Nobody is perfect. You can discuss it once or twice and find middle ground but to keep harping at it will only ruin your relationship over time.

    You have to learn more the art of take it or leave it. Great if he changes, but if he doesn’t and you decide to stay then accept it for your own peace of mind. I agree. And have noticed when I am in this place it feels good.
    It is easy to be in this place when dating, friends etc.
    Not so easy when it is with family. People who we are bonded with. Who are affecting our lives big time when they don’t want to co-operate and there are pressures from authority figures, timescales involved etc.
    The real world does and society as a whole just not operate like this, the real world relies on co-operation and social control.
    For instance if I have to get my child to school by a certain time and be in work myself by a certain time and child is not cooperating. In those circumstances letting go and not being attached to the outcome and not going into authoritarian, or authoritative control speak feels damn near impossible. As the reality is if I mess about not caring if they co-operate or not, they are then late for school, do this too many times and you get the welfare officer on your back and a fine or prison. And you lose your job.

    I love the idealistic idea of having these wonderful loving relationships and a society that does not rely on social control.
    Is that realistically workable or possible though? As how society works at the moment it relies on having social control of the masses.

    Just think for a minute of having a classroom of 30 children and having no expectations talking to all of these children without control speak. The teacher needs to be in charge and have control otherwise you have chaos.

  298.  #298Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 6:44 am


    “I want to ask him what he wants from the relationship and what he thinks he should do to make things better.”

    Are you able to turn that around? To express what you want, letting go of the outcome and trying to make him give you what you want. Rori recommends cding expressing this when it comes up in converstaion and the right man for you will WANT to give you what you want. Instead of focusing one trying to make a particular man give you what you want. A simple this is what I want and need, with as Kartina says a take it or leave it attitude, suit yourself but I don’t want to commit or be exclusive with any man until the right man comes along who wants what I want. What is it that you want and need?

    “I don’t feel special to him anymore and I don;t know how that can change, or if it can.”

    What can you do for yourself that will make you feel good and special? What do you need? Dinner out? Flowers? Run a warm bubble bath? What makes you feel good special and cared for?

  299.  #299Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 6:53 am

    “As the reality is if I mess about not caring if they co-operate or not, they are then late for school, do this too many times and you get the welfare officer on your back and a fine or prison. And you lose your job.”

    I want to look, observe and process this.
    I want to see if I can turn it around.
    I have tried the expressing the truth in these situations in a non attacking non control speak way.
    As in I don’t want to be late and us both get into trouble.
    I don’t want to get fined or end up in jail or losing my job.
    It didn’t work as a child had child understanding and reasoning , not really understanding and knowing what that would mean in reality. I was expecting adult reasoning and understanding from a child.

    So back to square one, what does and will work in those circumstances?

  300.  #300BeLoved on May 20, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Something small and big for me today 🙂

    T mentioned that he needed an errand done locally and wondered if I’d be interested in doing it, and he’d be happy to pay me more than I make at my job for my time and effort …
    I thought about it, really thought about it, instead of an automatic yes or no, and told him I’d be willing to do it and what I need is for him to handle some details on his end because I didn’t want a hassle if I agreed to this favor.

    And…he did it. He handled it. Within an hour, he arranged everything so all I will need to do is make a short drive and and exchange and not have to work anything else out. The guy who I used to know as the biggest procrastinator In The World, got right on it, and offered me even MORE money for running this small errand. I was totally expecting him to get back to me in maybe, a week, 2 weeks, never…, lol

    What I noticed about the way we worked it out, and also about the way I felt with J, the woman I met for a date yesterday, is it seems almost like we are singing to each other, like a harmonious, musical a capella improv or birds chirping with each other. It’s so easy and fluid and really feeling like a dance now.

    T remarked on it, “seems easier…and more natural, authentic, cooperative…and other stuff” very very funny for the comment to be so short, he’s usually extremely talkative, he was all up in is soft heart non-talky space 🙂

  301.  #301Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Came across this and wanted to share.


    Any Sirens got any thoughts?

  302.  #302prplpsn28 on May 20, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Not a good day. Just not feeling it. Even attempted to go for a bike ride to clear the head and that didn’t work. Couldn’t even go. Just wondering about H. It drives me nuts that he won’t express his feelings. Going on 2 yrs with him and I have ni clue. I’ve been leaning way back and he has been coming forward and showing that he cares. But I feel like I need some kind of verbal verification from him. And the whole facebook thing drives me insane. I know we’re supposed to ignore it but he says he can’t stand it yet he’s always logged on. He has me partially blocked. So as far as I know he doesn’t post anything. He never likes or comments on anything I post. And he doesn’t want to change his relationship status. What’s he doing then? All I can think of is private msging. I know it shouldn’t but it bothers me. Ugh! Just having one of those days 🙁

  303.  #303Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Katarina: Have you been studying Dominique’s teaching since you left here before? Much of what you say I totally agree with but can’t help but notice that it is virtually word for word what Dominique has been teaching for years on her website, through her book and in her video program. Just curious because you sound so different than when you were hear in the past and much of what you say mirrors Dominique EXACTLY.

  304.  #304Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Hi Mercedes, no I haven’t been following her. Which parts of my teaching mirror hers? I’m not surprised because wisdom points out to the same direction no matter what the source is. And my stance hasn’t much changed but my life is richer thanks to experience and personal journey like everyone else.

    And I have been Buddhist all my life, if that’s what you mean by it. I have always approached life that way. That’s why Rori resonates with me.

  305.  #305Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Reading this story I experienced so much fear and tightness in my stomach area I felt nauseous:-

    When I was knocking at this guy’s door, EVERYTHING in me was telling me not to go into his house, but I didn’t listen to that voice and went in anyway. In that moment I formed a limiting belief and story that I couldn’t trust myself, and a half dozen other limiting beliefs formed once I got inside, and they’ve been unwinding my whole life.


  306.  #306Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Are you a practicing Buddhist Katarina?

  307.  #307Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 7:51 am

    I would like to ask the same question of Dominique?

    Are you a practicing Buddhist?

  308.  #308Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Is Rori a Buddhist? I thought Rori kept religion out of it?

    Feel curious.

    And a bit nervous of religious teachings myself.

  309.  #309Lisa on May 20, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Noticing the comments about expectations. I’m reading a book by Gina Lake on Loving in the moment.. it so goes along with Rori’s tools and advice. It is saying that the ego tends to find fault and constantly want to think about relationships and how they aren’t meeting our expectations and that that is from conditioning. It rarely has anything to do with the “man” ( person). How we process those feelings, emotions, judgements can affect the relationship. I’m noticing that when I’m away from “M” my mind wants to find judgements, make sense of and come up with some sort of resolution to “how he isn’t doing things the way I want them done”. Which is what the ego does. It finds fault. It is really helping me list the things down and decide if they are truly more important than “Love”. She is saying that so many times we just dump love to find the ego’s perfect match, when that is impossible. I think from what I’m finding with doing Rori’s tools.. that my mind obsessing about the relationship is just the ego’s way of trying to control… As Rori says Men can feel this…

    Just a thought…


  310.  #310Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:02 am

    People, relax :)…Buddhism is more of a psychology of liberation than religion, hence you can be Buddhist without believing in anything or vice versa. You can be a Christian and believe in Jesus as your personal savior and have a Buddhist heart at the same time.

    It’s about seeing and operating in the world in the non-resistant way. It’s not about belief in a deity. It’s about personal liberation, first hand experience and you see people who get it, get it through first hand experience. Not some dogmas you cling on.

    I’m not a religious Buddhist. My mind, my heart are Buddhist. That radiates in every thing I do in life.

  311.  #311Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Ooops….I went into moderation so I have to encrypt some words.

    People, relax …Bud*hism is more of a psychology of liberation than religion, hence you can be Buddhist without believing in anything or vice versa. You can be a Chr*stian and believe in Je$us as your personal sav*or and have a Buddh*st heart at the same time.

    It’s about seeing and operating in the world in the non-resistant way. It’s not about belief in a deity. It’s about personal liberation, first hand experience and you see people who get it, get it through first hand experience. Not some dogmas you cling on.

    I’m not a relig*ous Buddh*st. My mind, my heart are Buddh*st. That radiates in every thing I do in life.

  312.  #312Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 8:12 am


    I can so relate to your post. I am always finding fault. I’m trying to be more loving and accepting. Ironically, I think the breakup of my last relationship has helped me with this. Def a work in progress but I have seen that some of my key relationships have transformed just in the last few months. Its pretty amazing. Maybe there was a reason for the relationship to end.

  313.  #313Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:22 am

    This probably resonates with you all. I just posted this on my FB wall/page:

    Someone asked: “Hi Kat, sorry to bother you again:), but I need your help. Yesterday, it was my bf’s b-day and we spent few hours together (about 5). I wish I could’ve spent the entire day with him because we don’t live together and we only see each other once a week (we both work long hours and weekends), but i didnt say anything about this. I thought i should be reasonable and be happy that we went to eat sushi and had a good time. I also thought that, since his friends called to wish him happy b-day, he wanted to spend few hours with some of them as well and I should be understanding and give him space. After he left my house, I went to visit one of my girlfriends and she told me that I should’ve voiced my wish (to spend the day with him) because that’s a reasonable one and because men like to know that you care. She told me this because her ex has said that to her when they broke up. Please, tell me who do you think is right, me or my friend? Or how should I have acted?”

    Voicing your wish is perfectly fine, what is not is to expect that he would say yes and you get upset when that expectation isn’t met. I would say, “Hey, i don’t mind joining you and your friends, you know, of course if you don’t mind. I’m okay either way though.”

    He didn’t ask you for his own reasons. That’s part of respecting his space that you don’t make it an obligation for him to spend the entire day with you. Just be grateful that you two spent a nice afternoon together.

    Remember, being grateful for whatever your partner does for you and the relationship however small that may be will be key to your relationship success. He will build upon that and make more efforts to make you happy. Focusing on your unmet expectations is the first step toward Splitville.


  314.  #314Violette on May 20, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Millie, Andrea, and Lisa,
    Thanks for your input. I’ve been so strong in my boundaries with this guy, and it felt good to imagine being softer with them, but I get what you mean. I don’t want to spend time with a man who says straight out that he might forget me.

  315.  #315Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Katarina: I was referring to not having expectations and letting go of the attachment to outcomes. That seems new for you considering where you were in your teachings (and the parts of your life you were sharing here) a few years ago. It’s exactly what Dominique teaches (and many of the words you have used in your advice are word for word off of her website, book and video program) so I wondered if that’s where you picked it up.

  316.  #316Violette on May 20, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Or…be his assistant in not forgetting me. If he doesn’t forget then I won’t mind.

  317.  #317Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:35 am

    No Mercedes, I haven’t read much of her stuff and I haven’t visited much of this blog the last 2 years but I did read her article on expectations and I agreed with her. And this is the result of my own personal reflection (You are not suggesting I’m copying her stuff, are you?). I did get the expectations part truly refined last year and it has worked marvelously well for myself so that’s what I’m vastly teaching to all my clients/readers and they’ve reported the same results.

    As I said, wisdom at the end of the day points to the same direction, no matter which source it comes from. The only legit source is personal journey, be Zen about life and everything in life.

    Are you surprised at all that Zen and Tao*sm and much of eastern and western mystic*sm are very much alike too? Who copies whom?

    Do you think Rori’s teaching hasn’t been said by others before her? Does it mean she copied them?

    That’s the Oneness of universal truth, I guess….to put it simply.

  318.  #318Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Being okay with the way things are and not expecting/needing things to be a certain way for you to feel okay is a HUGE step toward personal power and self-mastery. When you are the master of your own self, you are the master of all your relationships.

  319.  #319Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Katarina: I wasn’t suggesting you were copying…I was asking if that’s where it was coming from since it is so different from how I knew you before and since it is what she teaches so thoroughly. Since you were both here at the same time and since you’ve both on Siren Island, etc…I just thought maybe you were learning from her as well as Rori.

    And no, I’m not at all surprised that Zen and Tao*sm and much of eastern and western mystic*sm are very much alike. I have studied a lot of many, many religions and practices…

  320.  #320Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:44 am

    And Mercedes, no attachment to outcome is the VERY basic of Buddhist teachings. I learnt it intellectually very early in life, and only truly got it on the intuitive level the last few years. It’s nothing new. Every coach if they’re any good agrees and has written aplenty on this principle. Probably it’s new to you hence you get the impression I’m copying her.

  321.  #321Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Okay then, I don’t think I much changed since the last time I was here. But yeah I have softened A LOT because I’m more grounded and happier. Because I figured things that don’t work in most relationships and teach them to a lot of women. I feel blessed that my book has helped hundreds of women to become more secure. Thank you.

  322.  #322Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Katarina: I really wasn’t implying you were copying her. It’s not new to me but the actual teaching of it and using it consistently in advice given was something I had only seen from Dominique until now so I was simply (and I do mean simply…not trying to offend or imply or anything else, just simply) wondering if you had been studying her teachings. I thought it was cool if you had…

  323.  #323Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 8:53 am

    “Hey, i don’t mind joining you and your friends, you know, of course if you don’t mind. I’m okay either way though.”

    This feels inauthentic to me. Like trying to “play it cool” and trying to be nonchalant when that’s not really how she feels.

  324.  #324Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 9:01 am

    309: Katarina Pha says:

    “People, relax ”

    In my experience telling someone to relax, calm down or how to feel in any way NEVER works. And often has the opposite effect.

    …”Bud*hism is more of a psychology of liberation than religion, hence you can be Buddhist without believing in anything or vice versa. You can be a Chr*stian and believe in Je$us as your personal sav*or and have a Buddh*st heart at the same time.

    It’s about seeing and operating in the world in the non-resistant way. It’s not about belief in a deity. It’s about personal liberation, first hand experience and you see people who get it, get it through first hand experience. Not some dogmas you cling on.

    I’m not a relig*ous Buddh*st. My mind, my heart are Buddh*st. That radiates in every thing I do in life.”

    I want to honest I don’t get what you mean here at all.
    Apart from that I believe you are saying you are not a practicing Buddhist. I am not understanding what you mean about rest of the other stuff you wrote.

    My personal belief is that some of the Buddhist teachings are harmful to children. And that makes me feel nervous, my gut says red flag.

  325.  #325Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:02 am

    The caveat is she needs to learn to be okay with a lot of things because she’s a happy person on her own merit without expecting her bf to do things or to act certain ways for her to be okay. Once you master this, your relationship will be smooth sailing.

    Again, stick to your deal breakers and remove all expectations, without exception. Try it and how your whole vibe totally shifts and you will become the one woman who magnetizes men left and right.

  326.  #326Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Wow Syreena, I’ve never heard anything from Buddhist teachings to be harmful to children or anyone. It’s the most peaceful and gentle philosophy on earth. Which source did you get your info from? Please educate yourself on the matter.

  327.  #327Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:07 am

    And I get it you are not familiar with Eastern philosophy so you don’t get what I’m talking about. But that’s okay…we are not here to talk about religions. I suggest you might want to learn a thing or two about it because it might help you deal with lots of issues in life.

  328.  #328Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 9:19 am

    “For as long as a dream lives inside of you, Mercedes, there’s a plan for its time in space. OK, Mercedes? So you can now officially chill…”

    My note from the universe is hard for me to live today. We had another set back on the yoga/meditation spa this weekend. I do believe the plan is there, and I suppose I believe the “time and space part” (however, the TIMING is driving me batty!) but the “chill” part…that’s near impossible right now! Haha! 🙂

    Much Love,

  329.  #329Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 9:20 am

    If you have no expectations, then seems to me you will take crumbs. Then we’re right back to the whole doormat thing. Ughh. I think a lot of what Rori talks about is being authentic and expressing feelings. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expectations, and you can’t force yourself not to have them, maybe its more in the way you express yourself around them. But pretending just doesn’t feel right in general.

  330.  #330Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 9:24 am

    OMG! As soon as I wrote my last comment I went to check my email. From the architect (with regard to the new plan/dimensions I sent him on Saturday): “Sounds good. I’ll massage the plan and see what I can come up with. Sounds like it should work though.”

    YAY!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! We might actually get a usable design and can really, really start moving forward!!! I’m sooooo excited!!!!

    (maybe I can just chill now…) 🙂

    Much Love,

  331.  #331Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 9:29 am


    From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_trafficking_of_women_and_children_in_Thailand.

    Religious Beliefs

    A large amount of Thailand’s population follows Buddhism. These Buddhist beliefs, especially in northern Thailand, contribute to community acceptance of prostitution and sex trafficking. Thai Buddhists hold that “each person’s soul inhabits many physical bodies over time, with the quality of each life influenced by the soul’s store of merit.”[4] Merit can be earned by providing aid to one’s parents, which can be through earnings from sex work, despite the nature of the work itself.[4] The merit gained would, in essence, bless the girls and young women in their next life, negating the effects of having been a sex worker. Nearly 300 million dollars is transferred yearly by trafficked women engaged in prostitution back to their families in Thailand.

    I don’t want to argue with you.

    So will agree to disagree on if this teaching is harmful.

    I believe it is harmful.

    If you don’t then you don’t.

  332.  #332Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Another one on my status update today:

    A reader wrote: “Hey, Kat. Another topic, but that needs some deeper research I think… Why are women so attached to their emotions when dating/in relationships? It’s really smart to be able to step back, and see any situation with cool “head”…detach from it. I think way too many women make constantly mistakes and bad choices by becoming overpowered/serving their emotions… What is your take? ;)”

    I think they are attached to results because they are desperate and want relationship bad thinking that relationship will improve their state of happiness or fix whatever problems they have being single. Once one matures and has been in a few relationships, one will see nobody can make you happy but yourself. Any external source of happiness is in the end fleeting and trying to hold on to it the source of all suffering. To be okay with oneself, to be okay with whatever one has in the moment and to kill all illusions of permanence and security is the only source of inner power.


  333.  #333Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 9:35 am

    “WOW Syreena Please educate yourself on the matter. I suggest you might want to learn a thing or two about it because it might help you deal with lots of issues in life.”

    I feel very patronized by that comment.

    I trust my gut on this has NOT ever let me down or been wrong to date.

    So will leave it there and agree to disagree.

    You are entitled to your beliefs as I am mine.

  334.  #334Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Kath – 289 – It’s a process, a journey, one which doesn’t end. Life is an ever learning and growing adventure. Can you look at all of this as just that- an adventure? 🙂


  335.  #335Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Syreena, then we can tell us which part of it is harmful to children? I’m not trying to change your belief but some beliefs are patently false and based on false information. Like you never heard of that?

  336.  #336Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Katarina – this resonates with me. I am reminded of discussing an issue with a friend in front of a cd and he joined the converstaion asking me and question ending with “so why then do you still have expectations of people”? It was really eye opening as I did not see myself as having expectations. It helped me to understand him better because I have heard him say that he does not want any woman focussed on him.

  337.  #337Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Syreena – 306 – I do not like to put a label on myself, categorize myself in this way. I was not brought up with any religion at all, and I do not follow any particular teaching though I have studied several. I strive to live my life being the best human woman I can, as open minded and hearted, and as one with the universe as I can in any given moment.


  338.  #338Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Wow, didn’t see the sample above. And wow…wow… Wikipedia isn’t the official source of Buddh*sm by a long shot. And whatever it is they misrepresent, there is NOTHING in Buddhist precepts that teaches people to be a sex worker. In fact if anything, attachment to desire (incl. sex) is one source of suffering.

    Syreena, if you want to learn about the teaching, go to the very basic first instead of culture/excess practice of one region and misrepresent it as the whole teaching.

  339.  #339Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 9:49 am

    When I think of expectations I remember the coach Guy Blews. He talks about the “other side” of relationships and he says expecations are the mother of disaster.

  340.  #340Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Syreena, do you even know that Buddhist monks and nuns are celibate? You see how far off that accusation is from reality?

    FW, thank you! I understand it’s hard for most people to see how expectations destroy peace of mind. I gotta explain it later.

  341.  #341Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 9:56 am

    1. Desperation – I realized something in my early thirties, and I made it into a succinct little quote – “Desperation is the mother of disaster. Expectation is the sister” – desperation is not your friend. Being desperate about the outcome of a relationship will only ever make your worst fears come true. Desperation stinks of, well, desperation, and that is not a good thing. Desperation is the opposite of calm, and the enemy of confidence.

    If you find that you are riddled with desperation, or even that you have a slight odor of desperation, then you are never going to live and breathe within a solid relationship. Desperation does not inspire confidence in you, or in your partner. Bang! You’re dead


  342.  #342Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Liquid Light – 327 – Actually this is so not true. I have written several articles about this over the years. I invite you to have a look. A change in your perspective here could very well change everything for you.



  343.  #343Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 9:58 am

  344.  #344Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 9:58 am


    Here are three to give you a very good idea on what II mean.


  345.  #345Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 10:03 am

    RE 331 reads very similar to another siren who used to post in the past. Syreena have you changed your screenname from another one?

  346.  #346Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 10:09 am

    All I’m saying is that sweeping everything under the rug and pretending everything is fine is not the way to go. Precarious house of cards.

  347.  #347Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Liquid light, the thing that you overlook is once expectations are gone there is no such problem to be swept under the rug in the first place!

    Again, be Zen about it and find the truth by yourself through direct experience instead of intellectualizing it.

  348.  #348Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I also believe it is the exclusivity without commitment that feeds this.

  349.  #349Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 10:16 am

    People with no expectations are peaceful and most gracious, easiest people to be with. They are lovable and inspire more love from people around them. The more they see results through this stance, the less they need to hold any expectation about anything.

    Their life is flowing moment to moment without inner conflict and resistance.

    They are happiest people because they take control of their own happiness by letting go of all urges to be controlling which is a repelling vibe in any relationship.

  350.  #350Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 10:24 am

    338: Katarina says:

    “Syreena, do you even know that Buddhist monks and nuns are celibate? You see how far off that accusation is from reality?”

    So are catholic priests celibate So what?

    Doesn’t mean they teach their followers to be celibate.

  351.  #351Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 10:26 am

    335: Dominique says:

    “Syreena – 306 – I do not like to put a label on myself, categorize myself in this way. I was not brought up with any religion at all, and I do not follow any particular teaching though I have studied several. I strive to live my life being the best human woman I can, as open minded and hearted, and as one with the universe as I can in any given moment.


    Thank you Dominique, that makes sense to me.

  352.  #352Kath on May 20, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Dominique, you are wonderful!, thank you for all your words of guidance- yes, I need to show I am vulnerable to him-I’ve cooked him a meal and he’s text me to say how far away he is- I’m on the edge of tears but I don’t want to cry in front of him-I just want to hug him so hard and say I’m so sorry!-I feel so bad that I nearly pushed him away completely!- I really hope its not too late!-God, what a time I have been through- so so sorry Ladies for putting you through all my angst as well!-I really value your help, thank you!

  353.  #353Liquid Light on May 20, 2013 at 10:29 am

    yeah, and there’s reality, like emotions. WE live in the real world not in some idealistic place where we are perfect, unattached, loving people. I bet even the Dalai Lama has negative emotions sometimes. I dont’ think its helpful to set up something like nirvana that is unattainable. Unless of course you are enlightened. If so, more power to you! 🙂

    I just really uncomfortable with idealistic notions of peace love and forgiveness la la la…it’s just not reality though and you are setting yourself up because we are human and can never attain such perfection. Just accept yourself – the good, bad, and ugly – that’s the best most ultimate way to be. IMHO.

  354.  #354Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Syreena, that sounds really ignorant. If you really want to know the truth the internet is a great source to find anything you need to know. Buddhist meditations/teaching have been taught in prisons and propagated in western psychiatric practice, for instance. Buddhist thoughts grow rapidly in US alone and the west in general. I’m sure you don’t know any of this either. I’m out of this rednecky discussion.

  355.  #355Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Liquid light, okay then…but then ask yourself how has that stance worked for you? Dominique and I can at least attest how wonderful no expectations have worked for us.

  356.  #356Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 10:34 am

    LL: “I just really uncomfortable with idealistic notions of peace love and forgiveness la la la…it’s just not reality though and you are setting yourself up because we are human and can never attain such perfection. ”

    I hope someday you will feel differently about this. It is a beautiful way to live and it feels so, so good to believe in the inherent good in our fellow man and to believe that in hearts, peace, love and forgiveness really do exist. I would like to see you have the opportunity to experience life from this viewpoint. I would like to see everyone experience it…

    Much Love,

  357.  #357Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 10:35 am


    “Syreena, if you want to learn about the teaching, go to the very basic first instead of culture/excess practice of one region and misrepresent it as the whole teaching.|

    As you can see what I actually wrote was SOME. Not all which would equal a whole. If I mean’t all which would equate to whole I would have written ALL not some.

    “My personal belief is that some of the Buddhist teachings are harmful to children. And that makes me feel nervous, my gut says red flag.”

  358.  #358Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Yeah I bet the very learned people in America allowed harmful teachings to children to be used in treating psychiatric health. Makes sense!

  359.  #359Wildgeranium on May 20, 2013 at 10:48 am

    “whatever you resist, will persist”. –Kim Eng
    That is my mantra for today.

    #347–this is so so true Katarina.

    I’ve had the inner argument over expectations (“don’t I become a doormat if I have no expectations?”). One does not become a doormat, you just find out where your true boundaries are and learn how to take care of them yourself! My mind can always rationalize why my expectations are “reasonable”. But, as long as I resist what IS, then I get nowhere.

    I’m realizing that it is going to take some time and lots and lots of practice (on people besides my man) to get the feeling messages right. There is a also a time and place for feeling messages. Often, saying nothing is the best thing for me. That does not make me a doormat. It makes me a consciencous person. It allows me time to go inside myself and explore what I really am feeling. There have been a couple of times when I used what I thought were feeling message on my man, and I had to reword them three times before it was actually just a feeling message (he let me know!). After that, I decided to go deeper inside myself to see what was going on before I try to verbalize anything.
    Expectations in a romantic relationship create the vibe that you are still holding the oars. Men will feel that.
    I truly believe that letting go of wanting anything in my relationship will lead to everything I say that I want. I still resist this on a daily basis. I resist it because I’m afraid of what I really want. Its scary to be loved! Why? Because, no matter what I say out loud, inside I think I’m not worthy. So, this is the daily work: resist nothing, and feel my feelings, love and treasure myself. And, realize that my man actually loves me more than i love myself at this point and he is showing it all the time in his ways (doing, not saying). And he is not leaving. He loves me and is willing to wait while I work on myself and become the fabulous siren that I’ve been hiding so long.

  360.  #360Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 10:48 am

    “It is a beautiful way to live and it feels so, so good to believe in the inherent good in our fellow man and to believe that in hearts, peace, love and forgiveness really do exist.”

    This so feels like childlike energy that they go through the world with. Reminds me of a little girl who tried to get my attention yesterday while I was stressed looking for my disappearing teenage son. The second time she just came right up to me to let me know that she was trying to say hello earlier. What struck me was the feeling that she had no agenda or any stories about why I ignored her. She just wanted my attention to say hello and it felt so pure and sweet to be in the presence of such innocence.

  361.  #361Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Thank you Wildgeranium. That felt so good to read. It felt like a breath of fresh spring air caressing my cheeks.

  362.  #362Millie on May 20, 2013 at 11:00 am


    Haha, I wish the prize were something tangible, but would you accept a simple thank you? My warmest gratitude. 🙂

  363.  #363Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Beautifully said, Wildgeranium! What a breath of fresh air.

    When you resist, your self contracts and it’s not love that flows from you but fear. When you hold expectations you create resistance in you and you radiate so much fear.

    Your man doesn’t respond to fear, he responds to love, respect, admiration and …distance when you need to assert yourself (and it’s true that sometimes there is a lot accomplished by saying nothing). It is stifling if it becomes a constant issue. He doesn’t feel safe to come closer to you.

    I’ve heard from others in this forum even that expressing feelings with feeling messages don’t always work with men. I think it’s because we forget the component of working on oneself first so probably those feelings don’t need to arise in the first place. Removing expectations is one of the quickest ways to do that so you don’t sound like a crying wolf.

  364.  #364Wildgeranium on May 20, 2013 at 11:03 am

    #359 thank you femininewoman

  365.  #365Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Beautifully said, Wildgeranium.

  366.  #366Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 11:04 am

    For some reason my pretty long response to Wildgeranium didn’t post. It just poofed. Wonder why.

  367.  #367Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I’ve had the inner argument over expectations (“don’t I become a doormat if I have no expectations?”).

    I just reread this and became acutely aware of how my own thinking about myself is what creates who I am saying I am and how it begins in my mind.

  368.  #368Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Liquid Light – I do invite you to read what I have to say on expectations. It has nothing to do with sweeping anything under the carpet.

    Sending love to you.


  369.  #369Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Wildgeranium – YES, yes, yes. Awesome.


  370.  #370Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    FW: I love this…exactly how I feel about it: “I just reread this and became acutely aware of how my own thinking about myself is what creates who I am saying I am and how it begins in my mind.”

    Much Love,

  371.  #371Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Great article (more on expectations), Dominique. Every woman has to read it to understand how this works.

    Simple and beautiful and works every time.

  372.  #372Rori Raye on May 20, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Laura, Welcome – and this is ALL about your “situation” that will not allow for commitment. Without knowing what that situation is, I can only guess and be general – but, essentially – if you can’t commit, then you have no business requiring ANYTHING of this man. From what you say, he’s behaving quite well under the circumstances of Friends With Benefits – which is all this can be, as you state. Love, Rori

  373.  #373Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Yes I agree and believe some Psychiatric teachings are also very harmful.

    RE redneck comment.
    I am not from the USA. so first definition would not logically apply. So that leaves the implication implying that I am an ignorant uneducated Bigot. Is that what you are implying?

    I am well aware of the vipassana meditation taught in prisons and believe there is no harm in that. So TY but do not feel the need to educate myself on that. And have friends who have been to retreats to be taught and learn this, sharing their experience in great detail.

    I am able and do this technique myself amongst other types of meditation, and mindfulness is an amazing experience.

    None of that changes my other beliefs.

    If you think that (I am a redneck) or ignorant white uneducated bigot.

    That is what you think your thoughts belong to you. I have no control over what you think or feel Just like you have no control over what I think or feel.

    So feels best to me to go on my gut instinct and put my trust in my inner knowing rather than follow or believe any particular teachings spouted by any organization or any one individual with an agenda.

  374.  #374Mercedes on May 20, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Laura: If it were me, I would ask myself a couple of questions and answer honestly (not quickly):

    Am I really okay with him seeing other women?
    Is my situation impossible to change in order to allow me to commit to a man?
    If I could change my situation so I could commit, would I want this man (not just any man, but THIS man) to commit to me?

    If you’re really okay with him seeing other women and that part doesn’t bother you at all, then I would probably ask him if the two of you both could respect each other enough not to communicate with other dates while you are together. If he says that’s impossible for him, then maybe a friend with benefits that more fits your needs is in order and this man is out the door.

    If you really want to commit to this man and you really want him to commit to you and you’re really NOT okay with him seeing other women, then maybe a focus on your own situation and getting that to where it needs to be is a better focus of your energy than on who he’s texting and when he’s texting her.

    Just my thoughts…coming from someone who was in a friends with benefits situation that failed miserably…

    Much Love,

  375.  #375Katarina Phang on May 20, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Syreena, if you really understood what Buddh*sm stands for and what mindfulness is all about, you would know how false that piece of info you pasted is.

    That comes from ignorance. There are ignorant people all around who misinterpret even what the wisest sages teach. If some people interpret selflessness as doing everything for one’s own parents including to become sex workers (hey even Je$us told his disciples not to be judgmental of prostitutes!) doesn’t necessarily mean that is what Buddh*sm advocates in absolutism.

    Use you own judgment which again is the basic tenet of Buddh*sm.

    And Buddh*ism main stance is ignorance is one of the three roots of suffering (the other two are greed and hatred).

    I really have no desire to preach on Buddh*sm. To each their own, if some people want to rankle in their own ignorance thinking that must be the only explanation so be it. Their loss.

  376.  #376Indigo on May 20, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Syreena’s posts sound very much like Annie’s.

  377.  #377Femininewoman on May 20, 2013 at 1:13 pm


  378.  #378Dominique on May 20, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Katarina – 370 – Thank you. I feel very appreciative.


  379.  #379Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    As all religious teachings and all psychiatric teaching by there very nature are open to the individual interpretation of the individual teacher and pupil, follower all interpretation is opinion based rather than fact.

    So who is ignorant on these matters is again just a matter of opinion.

    I hear your opinion Katrina.

  380.  #380Syreena on May 20, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Who am I saying I am?

    I am saying I am me.

    Why am I here?

    To learn more about me and others.

    What am I engaging in?

    What do I want? (More like this…)…
    To feel calm peaceful and happy.

    and the time it takes to answer these questions ( a moment or a lifetime) is the time we’ll spend wherever we are.

    How do I now feel?

    I feel calm, peaceful, tingly happy, loved. It feels good,

  381.  #381ruth on May 21, 2013 at 4:13 am

    Feeling slightly overwhelmed after reading back
    I can remember having no expectations as a young girl

    How to get back to that——-

  382.  #382MovingMagic on May 21, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Having & knowing your boundaries/wants & needs is very different than having expectations. That’s my key on this journey.

  383.  #383Rori Raye on May 21, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Syreena and Katarina and all – I am now closing this discussion around religion. I’m the last word here. Any post using the word Buddhist will go to moderation. My take: To many of us – SOME of the ideas and concepts (exactly as you’ve stated, Syreena – mindfulness, meditation, kindness, charity, love…) of EVERY RELIGION work for many of us. This is what “New Age Thought” is all about: Unity, Science of Mind, Ernest Holmes, Course in Miracles…are compilations of spiritual thought WITHOUT any rules or dogmas associated with organized religions.

    AND – SOME of the written words, dogmas, rules and precepts of nearly ALL religions are abhorrent to many of us.

    To quote a “Holy Book” of any religion is to trigger nearly everyone in one way or another, and to interpret a piece of “Scripture” from any religion’s holy writings is fraught with danger. (Like quoting scripture as a reason to hate homosexuals and ban same-sex marriage.) Everyone interprets EVERYTHING through their own lens. And then argues with others. And religious scripture of all kinds is the classic cause of much of this – completely ignoring the beauty, love and wonder of the same exact scriptures.

    I wish to shine a light on our interpretations of things. That we have absolutely no way, in my opinion, as human beings on this earth, to make a meaningful interpretation of ANYTHING. And that, therefore, if we wish to come together, in harmony, with good will, and to create a world of love instead of attack and defense – then it must start with us.

    I read a great deal of Thich Nhat Hahn, who is both deeply monk-like as writer and promoter of mindfulness – AND a serious political activist. If HE can find a way to unite both of those concepts – then I certainly can not say that I understand ANYTHING to be “true.”

    My major concern here is the language and sense of attack growing between two women who were at first highly supportive and aligned. What happened between you is what I want to explore. For instance – how is it, Syreena, that you wish to take a quote and make a meaning about it labelled “true,” that attacks, yes, certain writings and precepts of a religion in a way that seems to attack the entire religion? How is it that you link “spirituality” and “religious dogma” together to even want to ASK what religion I am? (I’m born Jewish, I combine everything I think and feel and learn into my own philosophy of God and the Universe, and go to Course In Miracles class every week to sit next to the amazing, brilliant, gifted Ron Blair at Agape in Culver City. ) And how is it that Katarina can move from being a gentle, loving Buddhist and coach to someone who can call someone else ignorant and redneck?

    In my world – attack must end. Love must reign. And, yes, if the Guidelines of the blog are not met (please re-read them in the sidebar) so everyone here feels safe, I will moderate as strictly as I can.

    This is a community that represents the work I do. It has nothing to do with “diversity of thought.” There are plenty of forums out there for that. Here, we work. We work at being vulnerable, cutting loose, loving instead of attacking, feeling our way through. Exposing ourselves, not labeling and resisting.

    Love to all, and I hope this is what you want, too.

    Love, Rori

  384.  #384Indigo on May 21, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you Rori!!!

    That discussion was making me so uncomfortable, and I love feeling safe here.


  385.  #385Femininewoman on May 21, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Me too. Me too.

  386.  #386prplpsn28 on May 21, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    I agree. Uncomfortable.

  387.  #387Laura on May 22, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Rory – thank you as well for your reply. It has truly highlited that I have to look at my Situation, and resolve it which I probably have been avoiding for some time.

    Mercedes – thank you for your advice!!! The questions that you have suggested are so wise and seem natural I just wonder how I couldn’t come up with them by myself. Yes, and it doesn’t seem that I will be able to answer them quickly, well at least I am aware of them and can start slowly looking for the truth inside myself.

    I really do not know how to find the solution to my situation and there is nobody that I could discuss this with, so here it goes ladies. I know that I haven’t done right thing and have created a bit of a mess but hopefully you won’t be too harsh on me.

    I got married at 18 and have been married for 10 years. It hasn’t been smooth sailing to say at least! He used to drink a lot and was pretty abusive but never physically valiant (although I have to say on few occasions I did fear about my safety). He also used to say not very nice things to me even when sober, these brought my confidence down and made me feel as second best, because he talked about his ex lots and on few occasions said that he will not be able to love anyone they way he loved her, very rarely made compliments to me, he rather would complement something about other woman to me (sometimes jokingly). Now I feel very angry with myself for allowing him doing this to me and not walking away, but I guess it took me some years of growing up to do and realise what he did was not right and effected me in a negative way.

    Now he is very different, we have two young children and since the eldest was born he changed completely. He stopped drinking and majority of time he treats me well. Occasionally I still do not like the way he talks to me, but it doesn’t even come close to how he was in the past. Also I let him know pretty quick that I don’t like it, and at worst it just makes me a bit annoyed with him but no longer I allow anything to bring my confidence down.

    He’s a good man, he is the main carer for children (great father) as I’m working full time in a high achieving job. The problem is that I see him as a partner and a friend and not as a husband. I’m not attracted to him anymore, don’t like when he touches me, hugs me or kisses me. I have been trying to work out why, – is it because I hold a grudge for the past?

    That’s were comes in the other guy that I have mentioned in my first post.

    I can’t even bear thinking that I would break up the family unit because I’m not happy in it. I can’t separate my children from their father. How can I ask him to move out of the family home, I can’t do that to him, also I don’t think I could move my children out of their family home and their father. And if I move out what kind of mother will I be? Abandoning my kinds!

    Worth mentioning is that my husband thinks that our marriage is fine and everything is going well.

    Ladies all you advise and suggestions are welcomed!!! I’m in a such confused place at the moment!

  388.  #388Lisa on May 22, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    @Laura ( no judgement from me) I’ve been there! but my ex was physically abusive… I totally know what you mean.

    I would say from my experience that holding in anger and resentment from his past behavior is valid. Counseling helped me with that. On the other hand I had to accept a long time ago that I needed the abuse b/c I grew up with it… when it wasn’t there anymore, I lost interest. (hard pill to swallow but it was true). That was more than 20 years ago and I had to understand about co-dependency. I feel Rori’s tools help with co-dependency and recover from my addiction to enabling and also taking responsibility for our part in what is happening.

    I’m hearing ( and I could be way off base) that your not totally miserable in the relationship. I might ( if it were me) go deeper into is it true you aren’t in love with him anymore? Really sink into that. What do you love about having your family the way it is. Maybe him taking on a feminine role might also be a turn off. I know for me it is. You’ll have the answer that is true for you.

    Sometimes someone we don’t have a painful past with is so much more appealing. I know that feeling too…

    Lots of things come up for me (triggers ) from reading your post. I can find it all in my past.

    Big Hugs! <3

  389.  #389Indigo on May 23, 2013 at 3:52 am


    I am wondering from your post whether you have shut down emotionally on some level or to some extent? Are you afraid of the feelings that will come up if you allow them? That is often a cause for us feeling cold or distant from someone.

    I would urge you to work through the feelings which you seem to know are beneath the surface and asking to be dealt with, with a coach or therapist, or even here on the blog.

    It really restores flow to your life like nothing else (as I have experienced).

  390.  #390Syreena on May 23, 2013 at 9:16 am

    I hear what you are saying Rori.

    Like I previously expressed, I feel a bit nervous of religious teachings myself.

    As this was brought up in the moment I responded and expressed my feelings of the moment. Which got shot down, told to relax!

    If someone is offering advice and brings up that part of what they are advocating is because they are a certain religion, it makes me feel wary. Which is what happened between Katarina and Mercedes I didn’t have a good feeling around it.

    An alarm was going ding ding ding.

    I trust my ding ding ding.

  391.  #391Syreena on May 23, 2013 at 9:31 am

    “Syreena, that you wish to take a quote and make a meaning about it labelled “true,””

    Thai sex workers were interviewed, stating this as their interpretation and truth. And stated to be the general teachings, interpretation of the Thai people.

    I feel happy to provide links or not, either way is fine by me.

  392.  #392Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    All – I am very, very careful about how coaches conduct themselves on this blog. I am super supportive of other coaches (you all know how much I love Dominique) – and because I allow coaches to give advice and opinions and speak from their “heads” – I need to be very careful. I simply see a huge difference (not one everyone else sees that…I know…) between expressing ourselves in Riffing and Feeling Messages – no matter HOW angrily – and calling others “names” of any kind.

    Daria is supremely attuned to this difference. She goes out on a limb every time she posts, is passionate and intense in her work – and yet manages to stay inside the Guidelines (we ALL slip now and then, and apologies are ALWAYS accepted). If anyone has any questions on how to do that – please ask Dominique or Daria, or me.

    If anyone has more on the socio topics raging inside and needs to get it out in discussion – please, I encourage you to go to Huffington Post, or Facebook, or to even write me personally. It’s just not what we’re doing here. Love, Rori

  393.  #393Monica on May 29, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    I just have to say thank you Rory so much. I am in such a difficult time in my life and yet I feel good with my self my husband waned to hangout with a femal friend wich he had a crush before I came in to the picture Last week he said she broke up with her fiance and she was going to hangout with her I felt so bad I truly was tring to resist my bad feelings because The hole mater make me feel so bad and my feelings were not been validated. I read your posts
    And i relize that I just can be my self trying to control the out come of your feelings will make you miserable all you feel is all you know then I expres my self my true I said I really do not feel good about him been friends with the oposite sex with some one alse outside my presence that he has the right to do what he will but this is not the way i think our relationship will work he try to acuze me and said I was insecure and jelouse but i reach inside knowing that it was my true my feelings and therefore I was speking from me I feel so good for ones in a long time I stop been the victim it was not about the outcome or what will he do next, Some of us really have to stepback and stop fighting our selfs our feelings he lisent and understood thos will not be ok with me and agree that I will be included in his friends ships a middle ground which i feel is fair he was silent for the rest of the night but I still feel good cuz I express my feelings yes if he lives me I will feel pain and if he stays awesome but putting mask like many of us do will only creat negativity in our life’s. we hold so tie that we do not know if is good for us. My voices in my head had stop. I think we woman have incredible intuition and we should lisent to it. Thank you Rory I know this speach is boy energy but it feels nice to be back and step up for my self.