A Man Who Just “Has” To Cheat

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Betrayal. Cheating. Porn. Friendfinder. Emailing other women. Chatting With Other Women. And yet…

He loves you…

How does THAT work?

Here’s where you might be going with this – you hate him.

And why do you hate him?

Because we’re human.

We hate a man who dies before we want him to.

We’re infuriated at anything a man does that isn’t the way we want it to be.

We hate him for not calling. For not coming over. For not wanting sex. For watching sports instead of hanging out with us. Anything.

And the worst is the other women stuff – porn, staring, “needing variety” – anything he says that includes another woman or women and makes you feel bad.

And this is supposed to be BAD. In other words – nearly everyone would agree with us that this is bad, where they might not agree with your anger over a missed phone call.

And yet, it’s all the same!

Yes, it is. Because it doesn’t mean anything in itself.

It’s not worth figuring out.

Either you marry Matthew McConaughy and trust he’ll be with only you forever – or you go with – I “hope” it works out that way because it would feel great – and yet – I’m not going to hinge my happiness on it.

Some things you can accept and others you can’t. And notice I say “accept” and not “tolerate.”

Toleration is such a “No-No.”

The conversation you have with yourself about a man has to be about what you can accept, and what you can’t accept– and let’s leave the anger out of the discussion.

Let’s leave the anger (good or bad, right or wrong, justified or not justified…..) out of the discussion – because you’re going to feel angry some of the time no matter what you’ve decided to accept!

Expecting anger to not follow disappointment is like expecting water to not fall from a raincloud.

You can hope it doesn’t – but it will. You can be mad at the cloud, and you can be mad at the sun, and you can accept the rain even if you don’t like it.

But being mad at rain is pretty silly. So being angry with your own anger is….not worth your time.

And being angry with a man for making you angry is a similarly not-helpful use of your time.

You learn as much as you can about what a man is like and how what he does and says and is affects and triggers you personally.

You work on understanding how you’re triggered and discovering what you actually, really want and don’t want. What feels good and what doesn’t. What you want to accept and what you don’t want to accept.

You forget about trying to change him, and just keep asking yourself, over and over – “Why am I here?” Ask “Do I want to be here more than I don’t want to be here?”  Ask, “What is the deal I’m accepting?”

We compound all our unpleasant feelings with more unpleasant feelings about HAVING unpleasant feelings – so let’s just go with this:

ACCEPT what you feel – and now let’s go on to the MEANING of what HE’S doing:

And remember – this is your MEANING you’re giving to his behavior. To him – this is not betrayal. It makes you FEEL bad, but he’s not trying to hurt you. It’s not deliberate hurt. It’s just the way he “rolls.”

Instead of turning your fury on him because he isn’t and won’t be the way you want him to be – and under your control – your job is to get out there and find other men who don’t have these issues that make you feel bad. A better “MATCH” is what we want here. This is not a match that will work.

Please believe that Circular Dating is the cure for you here…You’re beautiful, wonderfully employed – you’re going to find a bunch of great men in NO time…men who may have OTHER problems – but not this one.

Do you watch “House”? The doctor who just has to “cheat” on his wife? – and how the wife’s been working through it?

Some men are addicted – doesn’t matter what to – drugs, women, sex, makes no difference.

You don’t want an addict – unless he’s addicted to YOU!

Do you want to be here?

Love, Rori

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886 Comments

  1.  #1Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 9:45 am

    hello, world….



  2.  #2FeminineWoman on February 1, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Wow what an eye opener about what he does.



  3.  #3Aminata on February 1, 2011 at 10:04 am

    “You don’t want an addict unless he is addicted to you.”

    This message is so on time. I have been talking through this with myself lately. I met a nice fellow during the holidays and we really hit it off but he is always running around and addicted to work, but hardly ever made real time for me.

    This is where circular dating helped. Before I would have been stressed and pressured him about making time for me. Instead, I just told him how I felt and moved on. We’re cool friends, yet I’m dating some guys that are more into me and I’m following my joy. Thanks Rori.



  4.  #4Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Haha!

    I don’t want an addict – unless he’s addicted to ME!

    Amen.



  5.  #5Lori on February 1, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Hmmm,

    It doesn’t really make me feel bad if a man regularly looks at porn. I’ve never had one do so and lie to me about it or desire me any less, so it feels pretty harmless to me….



  6.  #6Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 10:12 am

    I LOVE this post Rori! Been there, done that and am feeling so sure I don’t want to try to tolerate what I don’t want ever again. The kicker for me now is my fear that a man won’t be honest early on about his “stuff” and I’ll end up wasting more time. I trust my feelings. I trust my feelings. I trust my feelings.



  7.  #7Tesra on February 1, 2011 at 10:15 am

    I am going through a situation where cheating was involved. He ended up getting a woman pregnant and now has a 3yr old and I took him back. He moved me into his home and now he won’t pay the bills he is supposed and I purchased a truck for him that I had to pay this month because he just disappeared and did not pay. Needless to say I am leaving, but he’s making it hard for me to save money by not paying any of the bills which forces me too because I have a child there myself. Stupid Stupid mistakes……



  8.  #8Katnina on February 1, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Wow! This is such an insightful post.
    It reminds me of Evan Marc Katz’s saying “men do what they want.”
    and to me, in this post, Rori is saying men do what they want, and if you don’t like what this particular man is doing, and how you feel when he does it, move on! you can’t change what he wants to do, and if you CD, you will find one who wants to do what works for you!
    I LOVE this post! Thank you, Rori!



  9.  #9FeminineWoman on February 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

    I have heard in Christian Carter’s From Casual to Committed where Dr. Paul speaks about a prairie bull. The suggestion is that because of brain chemicals or hormone when a person is addicted to something they cannot attract. So apparently when a man is addicted to say a substance he will sleep with you but will not feel the attraction that keeps him glued to you. It is the same chemical that bonds babies and mothers. Apparently prairie bulls have little of the hormone so they will indescriminately sleep with a lot of females. While other animals have the oxytocin effect where they become territorial after mating with a female physically and stays with her and defend her against other males who might want her.



  10.  #10Deb on February 1, 2011 at 11:13 am

    This is a great post! I wish I could tell Shag to read it, accept me, and not be angry with me! I feel like the “player” but I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was practicing receiving and being in the moment. I thought I was honest and upfront and expressing my truth, but it was hard sometimes to express my discomfort… was I not honest enough?



  11.  #11Deb on February 1, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I actually had wanted to share something different today, before I read this post…

    I have so much to share… where to start?

    First, the good news: A few days ago, I reconnected with “NextDoor” – the guy who drove me crazy and drove to me to Rori last summer. I was kind of curious to see if I still felt anything and if he had really changed like he claimed. Through all the personal growth I’ve been doing and being able to detach myself from the situation, I had realized awhile ago that he is a total narcissist! I was able to feel totally secure in myself, lean way back, and stand up for myself.

    I called him out on not seeing me when he said he would by saying that I had felt excited to see him, but then disappointed, and I don’t like feeling that way, and come to think of it, it was always kind of like that with him. He went on & on with an excuse… hmmm… Then he said he wanted to hang out later and he suggested that I text him and “let him know” ..nahh! I said, “oooh, um, do you have my number? …I don’t know if I have yours anymore…”

    So I got him to lean forward and make the plans, but when he did text I was so busy making a wonderful dinner for myself that I didn’t notice until half an hour later! This guy must be king of trying to do the absolute minimum, he came over in all sweats with some beer! Me = not impressed. But I let him fix my computer while I did my dishes, he even ran back and forth to his house a few times to get tools and some anti-virus software. Then he was able to disassemble a broken external hard drive I have to get the data off of it – that would’ve cost me HUNDREDS of dollars to get professionally fixed!

    I didn’t let him take over the conversation my talking about himself and his problems on and on like I used to. I practiced a tool Daria was writing about where you envision you and the guy on Olympic-style podiums and his drops down below mine! So… we ended up making out on the couch a bit, shirts came off (he just HAD to show me the new tattoos on his muscular pecs… ) …but although I was getting turned on, I kept checking in with myself and I realized OMG – I’M FREE! I don’t FEEL that pull towards him, I’m the chooser here, and his lame actions just don’t hold a candle to the dates and good treatment I’ve been experiencing with CDs. Rori – THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU ☺ I love myself, I love you, and I love all of the beautiful sirens who post or read here on this blog! …and I don’t care about HIM – haha!

    So yeah, I stopped and I expressed what was going on for me… as honestly as I could… maybe not perfectly honestly (because I mentioned that I still felt “something” and I’m not sure if I do), but pretty well. I said that it felt really good to be with him (it did, I had been feeling lonely that day), but that we can’t just pick up where we left off. I said that I know what I’m looking for now and that I’m going to keep moving towards that and I don’t want to get too involved with someone if we’re not on the same page. He was pretty quiet. Busted!



  12.  #12Deb on February 1, 2011 at 11:17 am

    So as for Mr. NextDoor… I am getting some good practice here. I was thinking about the difference between just leaning back (what I’ve been doing w/ him for months) and leaning back + being an invitation.

    So when I come home and take out the garbage, open the door (just leave the screen door shut), and play music that I like, guess who knocks on the door and just wants to say hi?

    Now, mind you, this is NOT keeping me from CDing at all, I’m seeing/communicating with several nice guys right now. I’m not considering anything with him at this point besides some company. But I certainly don’t mind if he wants to come worship for a bit and fix my things 😉 I’m just proud that I’ve finally been able to make the shift to removing him from my thoughts when he’s not in front of me. I don’t look outside for his truck anymore, for example.

    I am having some serious problems with Shag though after breaking it off with him… not that we were even together! He is not taking it well and I feel awful. I don’t want to get into it right now… ugg, I feel heavy just thinking about it ☹



  13.  #13Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 11:19 am

    hehe just last week i wrote on here that my ex-h J reminds me of that doctor on House…. and now Rori mentioned him too…



  14.  #14Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    i love what rori says here about “a better match” and “a match that will work.” That is my philosophy too!



  15.  #15Ella on February 1, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    This post feels like it was written for me!

    Lol.

    It feels so relevant.

    I love the idea of accepting or rejecting only, not trying to change.

    And I want to keep reminding myself that men are like rivers flowing through my life.

    They come and they go… until one sticks.

    They go when they know they can’t give me what I need. They look after me in that way.

    This feels ok.

    xoxoxox



  16.  #16Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    @FW’s 9

    FW I like that. A lot. I hadn’t thought of addiction as preventing bonding in that way before. Makes sense and helps me feel secure. Thanks for posting!



  17.  #17LittleDoc on February 1, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Wow, what a post! Massive eye opener!!!
    I love like in ever post Rori writes the ultimate choice is bestowed on us women… You feel you can’t accept this kind of behaviour (and how could you?!?) so you decide to leave. It has nothing to see with the man, it’s about how much you love yourself and want to get what you deserve.
    Thanks Rori… It gives me ideas on what to do next in my relationship…



  18.  #18Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I have some fears creeping up about this post the second time around reading it. What if the guy you’re with develops the addiction AFTER you’re married? I really don’t want a second divorce. Ugh. Sinking feeling in my belly. Burning hot anxiety.

    What would I do then? It’s one thing to say I’ll find a better match before I’m married and quite another after I’m married.

    What might that look like?

    STOPPPPPPPP.

    Nasty voices… listen, I can’t predict the future any more than you can. Can we stick with the pretty version of our life please?

    I will have the relationship I want. It will feel healthy, loving and passionate forever.

    Deep breath in.

    Deep breath out.



  19.  #19Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    I feel amazed by how often I have nasty voices / thoughts come up.

    Haha… Gotta flip that one too…

    I feel happy and grateful that my thoughts are always positive.

    At least I’m recognizing them now. 🙂

    I do feel grateful that I notice them and can flip the negative to a positive.



  20.  #20Ella on February 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    SS re 18,

    I can feel your fear too.

    And of course we cannot control the future and what might occur.

    It might make a difference because this time you would be a fully fledged Siren. So as well as picking your man well, you would also have Siren powers.

    Meaning that as long as you had picked a healthy man to begin with, and you kept working the tools, the relatipnship would be healthy, therefore addiction might be less likely to develop in that environment.

    Just an idea…



  21.  #21Ella on February 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Also what if the man is addicted to you… and then you discover he also has an addiction to something else…

    That feels confusing.

    Cus how can he be addicted to both?

    I guess the other thing will eventually come first so I leave. In fact it has already when he is doing it near me after I have expressed how bad that makes me feel.

    This is just how he rolls.

    No point trying to change this.

    Accept or reject!

    I choose not to accept this.

    Really it is as though he has another love… but it is a white powder not a human being!

    I feel angry cus I felt disappointed.

    But I don’t want that!



  22.  #22Ella on February 1, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    SS – Yay for 19!

    🙂

    xoxoxox



  23.  #23tinque on February 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Simply Shannon and Ella – What ifs will mess you up every time. Please try not to go there.

    xxoo



  24.  #24Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Ella, I think Rori meant “addicted to you” euphemistically. We truly do not want a man who is addicted to us bc that too comes from an unhealthy place – the same place other addictions come from. And it’s an indication that he is indeed susceptible to other addictions.



  25.  #25Ella on February 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Lucy,

    🙂

    Yeah I know!

    xoxoxoxox



  26.  #26Ella on February 1, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Tinque,

    Mine was real!

    And I did decide not to go there.

    xoxoxox



  27.  #27Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    okay, good to hear 🙂



  28.  #28Ella on February 1, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    It did feel confusing though.

    To be with a man who was very into me, worshipped me really, and treated me well.

    And to then discover he had an addiction.

    As I have said before the signs were there.

    I was just temporarily blinded.

    But now I am back on my horse and we are looking for the bridge.

    And I feel ok about stuff now.

    And this feels like progress. As does the fact that most men I encounter, even ones who I would previously have labelled as ‘bad’ in some way, tend to treat me well.

    Its just that some of them are not a good fit for me!



  29.  #29Mercedes on February 1, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I love this…

    “Please believe that Circular Dating is the cure for you here…You’re beautiful, wonderfully employed – you’re going to find a bunch of great men in NO time…men who may have OTHER problems – but not this one.”

    Soooo true. When I did it…well….a “cure” is the best way for me to describe it too. In my case circular dating “cured” both J and I but in any case I firmly believe it can help any woman living through something like this.

    If nothing else, for me, it got me out of the house, smiling, having adult conversations with real live men and, for moments at a time, it gave me a reprieve from crying and missing him and wondering “why?”…which is such a silly question by the way…one I asked over and over and over…and in the end, it didn’t matter a bit. “Why?” made no difference at all.

    CD, two Advil, a glass of OJ (with some champagne in it) and POOF! You’re cured! 😉 (okay…maybe a little more time than that, but still…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30LittleDoc on February 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Mercedes – #29
    “CD, two Advil, a glass of OJ (with some champagne in it) and POOF! You’re cured! (okay…maybe a little more time than that, but still…)”

    hahahha… love this comment!!! Especially the champagne bit 😉

    I feel like I have found a group of amazing girlfriends here on this blog… I’m learning so much and I am really enjoying the humor too!



  31.  #31Soul Sista on February 1, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    mercedes ~ just curious…is J the guy you are with now or a guy you used to be with?



  32.  #32LonePlum on February 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Watch for the signs of an addictive personality.

    People are never addictive to only one thing, it is a personality.
    If he is addicted to you right from the beginning, he might be bad news.
    And he probably is addictive to something else.
    Observe his life.

    An addictive personality is co-dependant.
    It might feel flattering in the beginning but it only means he has no “stop” button .
    When someone or something triggered his “on” button, he can’t be without anymore.
    Addiction is also related to low self-esteem.

    I suppose Rori was playing with words when she says you want a man addicted to you.
    She probably knows this is bad news as well.
    No addiction signs at all is what we want.

    Xxx



  33.  #33Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Well. As I said the other day, I closed my pof account. I just noticed today that I only have 4 more days on my Match subscription (and I don’t have the money to renew even if I wanted to, which I don’t.)

    I feel a little panicky (like, oh no! what will I do now???) but also a little excited. It almost feels like the burning bridges thing Shannon wrote about — like, I’ve been putting so much hope into dating sites, but why? What makes me think dating sites are even on the bridge to happy ever after for me? I feel a sense of freedom letting go of that idea, at least for a season. And maybe this will make me feel more interested in meeting men out and about. Or on facebook (Jonathon’s favorite dating venue).

    Also, (hehe), I just now remembered my friend’s Match story (which resulted in marriage a couple years ago) — on the DAY her subscription was expiring (and she wasn’t renewing), her now-husband appeared on the site out of nowhere and contacted her.

    I am not expecting that to happen, but I am certainly open to it. 🙂



  34.  #34Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    There we go — deleted my okcupid account too. From the list of reasons, I selected, “Okcupid does not have my kind of person on it.”

    Very true very true.



  35.  #35lilyflower on February 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    @Deb 11 – YES!! That is fantastic! What a great attitude!



  36.  #36Mercedes on February 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Soul Sista. J is the guy I’m with now. Things weren’t always so beautiful…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  37.  #37lilyflower on February 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Ok wow I needed this today. I got myself into a sticky situation this weekend and have been feeling really badly about it. Like, super bad. Like, I can’t believe that me (Me!) this independent, self-confidant, amazing person allowed this to happen. I got pressured into sex with the Barber. He was going to stay over at my house beause we were going out together that night and we had a great time, and then we got back to my house, he offered a massage, clothes came off and then all the sudden he’s trying to get in me with no condom on! so I made him put one on, ya know, for safety… and he just got in there. I feel awful.
    I feel so bad because I wasn’t ready and I let it happen anyway. And I feel worse because he’s basically stopped doing all of the sweet and kind things he was doing and saying before we had sex.
    Today, I decided i needed to keep CDing so I got back on line and have a phone call lined up for tonight.
    But gosh, I feel terrible about myself. Have I not learned anything in these last few months of reading and listening to Rori???? I could cry right now



  38.  #38Eternity on February 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Addiction hm, I’d feel happier to substitute a guy who is passionate about me rather than addicted to me. I dont want someone without an off switch again. Had that, felt scary.

    Online dating has given me a few laughs now I’ve put a profile up. One guy asked me if I liked the smell of Lynx Africa? Really dude you’re asking me if I’d like the smell of your deodorant? NEXT!

    but on a positive note, exchanged feeling message emails with Mr RealEstate guy and we plan to meet for a coffee. One step, tip toe, tip toe with my baby feet.



  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    @34: Lucy says:
    “…There we go — deleted my okcupid account too. From the list of reasons, I selected, “Okcupid does not have my kind of person on it….”

    This might be difficult to sum up, or maybe you’d rather not…but…could you say kind of…what’s there that didn’t suit you? I’d appreciate it.

    Also, I hope that Match comes through for you too in the nick of time!

    xoxo
    SLV



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    @37 lilyflower says:

    …Today, I decided i needed to keep CDing so I got back on line and have a phone call lined up for tonight.
    But gosh, I feel terrible about myself. Have I not learned anything in these last few months of reading and listening to Rori???? I could cry right now…”

    Hugs (((lilyflower))) 😀 Don’t cry. If you’re still CD and have another date already lined up, you are still on your horse and doing just fine! And if you want to do things differently next time, you can do that too. It’s OK… really.

    xoxo
    SLV



  41.  #41lilyflower on February 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    @SLV40

    Gosh that felt good to hear. Thank you so much. I got a little teary (in a good way!) from reading your post. And I am totally taking that hug cause I need it.

    Do you think I can “do things differently” with THIS guy…or the next? Is it too late for the Barber. I allowed him to hurt me. Can I help him turn it back around? Or move on?
    I have got to stop having sex so early! Even though we were almost a month in (which is a historically long time for me)….my number is getting too high. ick.



  42.  #42Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    SLV, thanks for the well wishes regarding Match. 🙂

    I’m not sure how to answer your question about okcupid. This is a generalization, but I did find more guys of the player variety on there than on the other sites. Or, should I say, they found me.

    One good thing about okcupid is that people can include a TON of information about themselves — especially by answering any of a zillion questions provided by the site — so you get to know a lot about someone before even communicating. And that means, for me, I can eliminate almost everyone just by a thorough reading of their profile and answers.

    Just before deleting my account, I decided to look around just a bit. I saw this guy who looked interesting, so I clicked on his pic. Once I saw the pic more closely like that, I got a “creepy vibe” from him. Keeping an open mind, I decided to look over his info just in case my creepy vibe sensor was off. It wasn’t. He had some obnoxious stuff on there — some of it was very offensive about overweight people. That’s just one man, of course, but I offer him to you as an example of what I find on that site.

    Okcupid, to me, has the feel of a playground (adult version). There’s lots of fun stuff to do there, and I think a lot of people use it for just that — fun.

    As you say, though, SLV, your mileage may vary. 🙂 (love that phrase!)

    <3
    Lucy



  43.  #43Lisi on February 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Rori said:

    Either you marry Matthew McConaughy and trust he’ll be with only you forever ….

    ********

    Sign me up for that plan. I’ve had a crush on Matthew McConaughy since A Time To Kill. Oh man, that man does it for me!!!

    Spent the night with B#1 — who got up and cooked me eggs, bacon and GLUTEN FREE pancakes for breakfast this am (he bought gluten free pancake mix!!) — and had a convo with him about how my usual type is blue eyed blondes.

    He said that’s funny, cuz he doesn’t have blue eyes.

    LOL

    He’s a black man.

    Lisi



  44.  #44Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    I just have to say… It feels so good to see in my inbox: “TN man has sent you a message on facebook” — especially when it’s rather out-of-the-blue.

    I’m keeping it in my inbox bc it makes me smile every time I see it — and smiling is good for me. 🙂



  45.  #45Lis T on February 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Ok ladies, I have to ask? If you are Cdating and it is online what sites are you all using.
    What would be the best, match.com, eharmony, and what others?



  46.  #46Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    @41: lilyflower:

    We are women and sirens…we can change our minds anytime we please. When you say hurt you, I hope not physically. But whatever kind of hurt it was, you do not have to repeat it. What’s done, is done. Just say your feeling message about how you are feeling right now and keep on going.

    However, if the guy is really an insensitive brute, in your opinion, now you know and your date has given you the opportunity to observe that before you become more invested.

    Keep your boundary…remember it’s your boundary and you decide what it is, so even if it’s been crossed once that does not mean it has to be always and forever crossed.

    Good luck to you. 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    @41: lilyflower says
    “….my number is getting too high. ick…”

    BTW, I don’t believe in “the number”… I’ve never bothered to count mine 😆 Did you ever see that “Sex and the City” episode with Samantha trying to tally up “her number.” hahaha is all I will say.

    xoxo
    SLV



  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    @42: Lucy

    Thanks for your insight, Lucy. I didn’t think about the “playground” feel but I think you are absolutely right!!! I saw there are a lot of tests which are almost game like.

    I also stumbled onto a very active “alternative” forum, although I guess most sites have them, and I haven’t compared them because I’m not seeking in those waters…but that one did seem rather gross.

    Do you think you would consider a few replies to guys’s profiles, a la EMK’s alternate online dating method?

    xoxo
    SLV



  49.  #49Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    “Do you think you would consider a few replies to guys’s profiles, a la EMK’s alternate online dating method?” (SLV)

    Do you mean making first contact?



  50.  #50Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    @Lucy

    Yes.

    xoxo
    SLV



  51.  #51Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    SLV, I don’t usually find anyone who interests me enough to make a first contact. Now and then I do run across someone who appeals to me, but I usually just view their profile or at most “favorite” them — and then they contact me first.

    I’m not opposed to initiating contact — it just seems unnecessary.

    Occasionally I will send a first message to a guy just for fun — if something on his profile is remarkable, I feel compelled to remark. 🙂 But these are invariably guys I am not actually interested in a relationship with.



  52.  #52Lisi on February 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Okay, so here’s what happened with my “ex.” I’m still struggling with it, and would appreciate feedback. He moved 3 hrs away & we broke up; I started CD-ing; after I’d been CD-ing B#1 3 months, we started sleeping together; immediately, the ex sensed the vibe & was back; he came for the week end, and it was wonderful, but he still wasn’t ready to commit. I kept Cd-ing.

    Here’s the conversation:

    Him: I’m fine, thanks…..R u having sex with yr date???

    Me: I have been seeing him since you left in Sept & we slept together the first time the week of Christmas. When you decided not to come. Yes.

    Him: Not much for me here….You have issues to handle and not on my time…

    Me: I’ll miss you. I feel sad & vulnerable & scared.

    Him: I don’t like to hear that about you. I am lost too.

    Me: I want you to hold me.

    Him: I wud love to but you scare me…

    Me: I didn’t know you would ever come back, & when u did, u left in 24 hrs & made no commitments. You break my heart. And you scare me.

    And, when I open my heart to you, you say, “you have a friend in CITY” & leave me crying on the floor.

    Then he called, and it just got uglier and uglier.

    He’s REALLY angry that I’m sleeping with someone else — but the way I see it — he set that all up. He left. He didn’t come back. He finally returned after I was in 3 months of relationship with someone else. I disclosed that I was dating; he knows I have a 90 days before sex rule; but I don’t feel comfortable talking with one man about the sexual details of my relationship with another.

    When he came, he could have decided he really wanted to try it with me — but he didn’t. He said he wasn’t ready.

    I took him at his word. And, the truth is, this guy has always been hot/cold. I told him I’d stop CD-ing when he was ready to know my ring-size.

    I realize he’s hurt and jealous and angry. It seems that his emotions for me were at the point that he needed me not to be seeing others.

    But — without the commitment on his part — I couldn’t offer that.

    GRRRRRRRR.

    I’m upset. And frustrated. We haven’t spoken since Sunday am. I am just dealing with it.

    It’s hard. I want to hear from him. I wonder if I want him. It’s all jumbled up….



  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on February 1, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    @Lucy

    I hope somebody new shows up for you. Maybe we can manifest him. Did you ever try that? I haven’t…wondering if there is any truth to it…

    xoxo
    SLV



  54.  #54Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Thx, SLV. I appreciate your caring. Yes, I’ve tried manifesting (and am still trying) and just about everything else. Getting off the dating sites is something new for me, so we’ll see what that leads to…



  55.  #55Pamelala on February 1, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Lisi, I don’t think I have much to offer about future conversations with your ex, but I think it might be helpful for you to dissect you text convo and see what you might change next time. Where were you leaning forward? Where were you explaining things you didn’t have to explain? Did the style you used have the effect you were desiring?

    I find it helpful to go into every conversation with the goal of keeping my boundaries and expressing my feelings…no expectations and no blaming. As far as I can tell, this is what Rori recommends and, though I’m new at this, these tools haven’t failed me yet.

    I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts after you’ve had a chance to go back to the conversation and ask yourself those questions.

    Hope you find this helpful. Other than that, just lean back and let him decide what he wants to do.



  56.  #56Lisi on February 1, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Pamelala —

    Well, I think my saying “you break my heart” and “you scare me” might have been better received if phrased as “I feel….”

    He totally could not hear it when I said, “When I open my heart to you….you leave me crying on the floor.”

    He called, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Bullsh!#.” So, clearly, that was not well received.

    I think it’s good that he’s as hurt and angry as he is about my being with someone else. Clearly, he’s in love with me, and that’s why it’s so upsetting to him.

    However, one of my concerns about him has always been his sexual repression. Rori said she would feel better about a guy who cheated on his ex than one who was celibate 4 year. Well — my guy was celibate for quite a while before we got together.

    He’s got issues around sex. He didn’t want it that often. I did. We’d have sex, and then he was totally out of the mood, and didn’t respond even much to sexual humor. It was 2 – 3 weeks between each time we had sex — even in the early stages. I’m a TOTALLY sexual creature — and that was really hard to handle.

    We may just totally not be a match on that level. I think he’s got some really deep repression issues that led him to say the ugly things he said later.

    I didn’t post them, cuz I’m kind of embarrassed about it.

    Thanks for the input. I’d be interested in your take on the convo. I have a thick skin and won’t get offended.



  57.  #57Jennifer on February 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    I like this.
    I am practacing letting go. Not necessarily finding “closeure” cause that’s a no no.
    But I don’t want to carry this anymore.
    No more.
    No more.
    I do not accept this behaviour.
    Me no likey.
    I had the idea that because B could act nicely with other people, he could with me too.
    And maybe he CAN.
    But I think he’s shown me he WONT.
    Even with tears in my eyes. He won’t.
    Even with a broken heart at a funeral. He won’t.
    I am trying to be open enough to feel surprised.
    But I don’t know if I can with him.
    I wish I was doing more CDing.

    I may be.
    I keep thinking that cding means dates.
    But that might not be true.
    I had a chat with judo man tonight.
    About the concept that people HAVE to act the way they do in the moments they are in. He says its a combo of neurochemistry and instinct.
    I said this idea made me sad, that I wanted to hope people could change thier behaviour.
    We skirted chaos theory and on and on.
    He said that the idea that people couldn’t help thier behaviour made him more forgiving.
    I said forgivness is something I am struggling with, that I have an appointment with my grief coucilor next week and I’m hoping he will have some tools for me on this.
    Then my computer went on the fritz, and I had to reboot.
    When I came back on line, he was gone.
    I feel like thats a rejection.
    Even though I am concious that this is just a story I tell myself.
    I feel some synchronicity.
    I tell a man what I am struggling with and he dissapears….seemingly. Either physically or emotionally with anger.
    I wonder if this a test of the universe, to see if I’m serious about a man who can hear my emotional stuff.



  58.  #58Pamelala on February 1, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Lisi, ithis situation makes my heart hurt for the both of you. Honestly, my take on the conversation might sound harsh, so I hope you accept my feedback in the spirit it is intended – to help us both learn a new way of communicating truth. Anyway:

    Him: I’m fine, thanks…are you having sex with your date? (This indicates that you may have texted him first…you may have put yourself in a ‘one down’ position by doing this. Also, his question is totally rude and disrespectful…even full of contempt in my perspective.)

    You: (paraphrasing) yes, you didn’t come for Christmas so I had sex with him. (That’s my interpretation…what you wrote seems to say, “you didn’t visit so I had sex with him to hurt you.” You stated that you don’t want to walk about a sexual relationship w another guy w him, but it was the first thing you did. You broke your own boundary and made yourself look like you gave it up to another guy for revenge. Not sayinmg that is really why you did, but that’s what it reads like.

    Your next comment to him sounded, not like a fact, but like a plea to be rescued from your pain. He responded that he ois in pain too. Instead of addressing his pain, you told him that you want him to aleviate your pain. He siad he would like to, but that you scare him and you went on the attack – blaming him for leaving, blaming him for breaking your heart, blaming him for having a friend in the city or accusing him of lying about the friend. It was destined to spiral.

    It might be helpful to ask yourself if the two of you “work” together and if the answer is “no” then let him go.

    :mmm there is so much more I could say, I think that’s because I see so much of my old, desperate self in what you are sharing. I’m recognizing my old tactics that didn’t work and feel sad. I hope you find this feedback helpful – and I could be totally offbase, but this is what I saw…basically it looked like you were trying to get something from him and when he didn’t take the bait, you went on the offense to try to make him feel bad. Does any of this resonate with you?



  59.  #59Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    Lilyflower, you sound so much like me. I’ve done that exact same thing more times than I can count. My number… well… I don’t want to think about it. It’s just a number. They were all experiences. I can choose to think badly about them or I can choose to see them as good experiences or even just plain ol’ experiences.

    Maybe take a look at the story you’re telling yourself about this experience. If he hurt you (as in forced you to have sex), that’s one thing. But if you wanted to THEN but are regretting it NOW, that’s an entirely different story. More like a lesson learned. Or something to consider the next time you’re in a similar situation. Ya know?

    It feels better to tell myself positive stories about situations rather than beating myself up with the negative ones (especially about the past because I can’t change it).

    What do you think?



  60.  #60Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Lucy, that is some serious synchronicity right there. I was just considering dropping off of OkCupid! Ha! And possibly POF. The action I’m getting on both is mediocre right now, and I’m DONE with that.

    Well the action seems to be the kind of action that is appealing in some regards (wink wink) but is not the total package I’m looking for now.

    I want the whole package (not just the one in his pants). LOL!



  61.  #61Lori on February 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Lucy,

    Re #42

    I got off of OKCupid for the same reason. I just got an icky vibe from most of the men. So many of them tried to bring up sex right away… I met one great guy on there, but the jury is still out on him. The rest were mostly 25 year old guys looking for cougars….



  62.  #62Jennifer on February 1, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    The universe is fcking with me.
    I decided to check my email before I went to bed.
    This is what I got.

    “I will try my best not to make you feel sad. Yes there were other sides to the story. You didn’t hear them because you were only with one side. I would have made time to speak with you but the time wasn’t right and I had lots to do.

    I will listen to your emotional stuff. Try to keep my family out of it. I know you don’t like all of them.

    I made ribs last night. They we so good I had to make more tonight. Fish and salad tomorrow. Wish I had someone to cook for.

    That is my update. Have a good night or day and I will talk to you later”

    Ok. So what am I supposed to do if his family IS my emotional stuff?
    I dont’ wanna be told what I Can and cannot be emotional about.
    I want a man who is ok with ALL my emotional stuff.
    Again….why tell me there is stuff going on but not tell me what that is?
    That makes me feel furious.
    That feels like he’s saying “you don’t have a right to be upset by what you saw…there was a good reason for what happened, but you just have to trust me that it IS a good reason.”
    No, I want to make up my own mind.

    This feels like a mind fck.
    I don’t like this.
    And I feel bad about him saying he wishes he had someone to cook for.
    We used to make fish and salad together.
    Is he saying he misses me?
    I feel tired.



  63.  #63Jennifer on February 1, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Is there a tool for this.
    The no mind Fck tool?
    How does that work?
    I put a giant chastity belt on my head?
    Is that like a tinfoil hat?
    Cause I gots me one of those!



  64.  #64Lori on February 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Jennifer,

    Can you make me one of those tinfoil hats while you’re at it? : )



  65.  #65Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    I think there is some truth to the opinion that men who are serious about finding a real relationship are on the pay sites. Certainly, a guy just looking for sex or attention without investment doesn’t want to pay so goes to the free sites. There are a lot of men on the free sites who are just bored and want to IM and e-mail for all eternity. No thank you. Having said that, I have a first date Fri night with a man from POF who I really enjoyed talking on the phone with last night. I have no idea yet what he’s looking for. I’m looking at him as a date and practice, so far. But he’s sweet and funny and works for Microsoft. We have a lot in common and I felt a mind meld, which felt good. And I laughed a lot while talking to him. That’s why I stay on the site. There is a smaller percentage of men who are open and real.

    I do like the questions on Cupid and wish the pay sites had that feature. It feels great to see more clearly what someone is about while deciding whether to respond to their email. One man wrote to me who answered that he didn’t belive in monogamy. I felt great deleting him! And blocking him. Another guy wrote who was exploring polyamory. I felt curious and so allowed a phone call. His ex GF was into it and so he was exploring a philosophical shift towards it. I politely declined, using feeling messages. LOL

    My Match ends in 2 days. I’ve been debating. I think I’ll stay on it, too. There are definitely some quality men on it. Actually, I want to stay on all 3 of them for now, just as a gesture towards life, an intent that I am open and willing for a man to come into my life.



  66.  #66Boomer on February 1, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Simply Shannon! (60)…hahahahaha! Oh, the things (and the guys) I have done in my quest for the perfect “pants package!” Hell, I did it again Friday night, and I feel OK about it. He said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I said “That would feel great,” but as I left, I realized I really did not care one way or another. And that felt GREAT in that moment.

    And on that same note LilyFlower (41), my number is soaring ever higher, and I’m kind of OK with that, as long as each one is MY choice and it’s safe. (I’m shocked at how many men are not safe and who do not insist on their own safety, but that’s probably another post.)

    Lily, hold your head high–so you had sex with the Barber. You’re a grown woman, and that was your prerogative. If you choose not to do it again, then that’s OK. If you choose to do it again, know what you want as you’re going into it, and allow yourself to be OK with it.



  67.  #67Alicia on February 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Nancy I agree with you. The men ont the pay sites seem like they are more interested in finding something lasting.

    One of the dates I went out with from POF even said when he was on Match it was little more serious and he dated a girl for 2 years on there. My friend me her husband on a paid site too.



  68.  #68Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    @SS’s 18 & my own 6

    I found out my ex-husband had a serious addiction after marrying him. I knew just what to do. There was really no choice but to offer to support him if he was willing to get help in overcoming it and letting him know that I would walk otherwise, because I was not going to be able to accept it.
    This is what I would do if it happened again. I feel strongest when I know what I would do in a difficult situation. That way, I feel more secure in myself. I don’t invite pain, nor do I plan to tolerate a harmful addiction, but I feel good about knowing myself well enough to know how I would handle this if it came up again, just because we are all here learning and there are never any guarantees.
    I also try to be proactive and ask the difficult questions of a man early on. I’ve been amazed at how open men can be about their “stuff”. And having been through that marriage (very brief… he didn’t want to work on himself and I had to get my arse outta there) and the pain that it involved taught me that I can handle anything. Handling my current breakup is making me SO much stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. I love myself. I choose myself. I choose my own happiness and although I know so much more now about how to avoid painful relationships, I will go through as many men as it takes, divorces, breakups and heartaches as it takes until I find what I want. I completely hate the idea of wasting more time on a wrong man, but if I fell in love and gave myself to a man who had lied to me or evaded the truth about his “stuff” in order to get me, well, I can only do what I can do and if that didn’t keep me safe, then I’d get myself safe as soon as I found out and I’d be able to handle it.



  69.  #69Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Jennifer, what if this is B giving you a boundary? Ala, I don’t want to hear bad things about my family. (Which I can kind of understand. I wouldn’t want anyone talking bad about my family.) Maybe use this as feeling message practice, i.e. talking about an issue that’s coming up and making it only about you (even if the trigger is his family).

    I don’t know all the background and I’m removed from the situation but when I read “the time wasn’t right and I had lots to do”, that has me feeling open, like he’s willing to discuss it but not right now. Reminds me of Rori’s suggestion that we say “I’ve got something on my mind. Do you have time to talk about it?” and the guy responds with “I want to talk to you but not right now”. That would feel bad in the moment but I respect that and trust that he’ll let me know when he’s ready to talk.

    As to the “fish and salad” comment, I would definitely be choosing to believe that he’s referring to me and misses me. Hands down would choose the positive story.



  70.  #70Darling Ella on February 1, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Dear Sirens,

    Here is something for us all 🙂 The Beautiful South…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttuA1UEUAI0&feature=player_embedded#
    I feel smiley 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  71.  #71Simply Shannon on February 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Nancy, I too found out about a serious addiction after marriage. I realize now all the signs were there beforehand. I just didn’t want to see it. Or rather, I was so busy getting drunk right along with him that I barely noticed he had a drinking problem. When I stopped (while trying to get preggars), he kicked it up a notch.

    I choose to see a man clearly now. I choose to open up my eyes, ears, all my spidey senses and my heart when I’m with a man.



  72.  #72Lucy on February 1, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    jennifer, i had exactly the same impressions as shannon… everything she wrote… <3



  73.  #73Eternity on February 1, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Found out a friend I haven’t seen in about 12m is using the same dating site as I am! We are comparing notes and fellas. I’m feeling so much better about this, not so alone, and great about reconnecting with an old friend.



  74.  #74SummerBaby on February 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Lisi,

    what you said about him being sexually repressed… um that would be all I needed to know for it to be a deal breaker for me. I lived in a loveless marriage the last few years sex was about a 3 month wait each time. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be worrying about repairing a relationship with a guy that didn’t even desire me.

    I personally feel that is one area where compatibility is important. He doesn’t have to be great in ability as long as his desire is there cuz the rest can be discovered along the way.

    The lack of desire on his part may eventually make you feel rejected. I know it sure as hell did me. My self esteem was at an all time low when I finally gave up on him.

    Something to think about.

    Summerbaby



  75.  #75Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Me, too, Shannon and I don’t think there is much we would miss, having been educated by our experiences and having honed our spidey senses the way that we have. 🙂



  76.  #76Nancy on February 1, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    A 2nd potential CD called last night. It felt great talking with him. Today, he e-mailed saying he was wondering what I like to do for fun. I stewed, because I don’t want an e-mail relationship. I want real men in my real life. So finally, tonight I replied and said, “It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.” He called 15 minutes after I sent it and set a date for Sat. night. Success!



  77.  #77SummerBaby on February 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Nancy @ 76, great job.

    Lots of women make guys go through email gymnastics before agreeing to meet. They worry they will appear predatory – I have been told this by guys.

    So good for you for letting him know right away. I like how you said it too.

    Summerbaby



  78.  #78Brenda on February 1, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Hi!



  79.  #79Renee on February 2, 2011 at 12:35 am

    Hi Rori.

    I’ve been reading a few of your articles lately, and I am intrigued by this whole circular dating idea, especially since I can’t say I would give this advice to (my) readers.

    I respect that your advice relates directly to doing what’s good for US, for us women…for us to feel good, etc….but, here’s my theory:

    Dating is about Me.

    Relationship is about You (the other person) and US.

    The problem with all of this is that it simply doesn’t change the way we’ve been brought up (it’s still a take or ‘give and take’ mentality).

    We have to be courageous enough to give to the other person.

    Now, I am not 100% familiar with your work so I want you to understand that I am saying this from what I’ve gleamed from your work:

    The problem is that it seems as though you’re not encouraging women to care more. I believe relationships work out when we’re giving (first to ourselves, obviously, otherwise we have nothing to give to others).

    the PROBLEM is that this cicu;ar dating strategy allows a woman to seek her ‘self confidence’ and ‘sanity’ from outside sources.

    What will happen if she has the ring on her finger? What happens AFTER marriage?

    Where will she get her self-confidence from then?

    Where does all this go?

    I get that this helps a woman feel radiant, however, it’s such a difficult situation to be in (as I can see from many of the women who comment here detailing their difficulties with circular dating).

    Hmm. Anyway, that just wafted out of me so it may not make 100% sense but hopefully you understand my point.

    Thanks 🙂

    Renee.



  80.  #80Renee on February 2, 2011 at 12:39 am

    P.S. – I LOVE that women can talk so openly here about their feelings. Sometimes, not even my best girlfriends are that ‘feeling’ oriented.

    It’s so wonderful! 🙂



  81.  #81Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Hi Renee,

    I’ll speak for myself. I have been over-giving all my life, to the point where my well-being and happiness were suffering. Just to give you an idea, I’ve been corresponding with men in prison for 22 years. Most of that time, I’ve been in a romance with one of those men, just waiting for them in a long distance relationship.

    Giving is my middle name. I am learning how to care for myself. I am learning that I matter. I am learning how to love myself from the inside, thru visualizations and doing things that build me up, such as writing my healing here on the blog, and forging healthy friendships with other women.

    I could say more but it’s very late and I’m tired.



  82.  #82Jenny on February 2, 2011 at 1:24 am

    So confused, i just split up from an 11 year relationship. My ex was a manic depressive for the past 8 years. i recently realised that i have carried him all that time, in everyway possible. i hadn’t realised that had emotional drained my to the point where i didn’t love him anymore. Now i have left and i’m trying not to worry for him. As hard as this all is theres another side to the story. During the last 2 years of the relationship i’ve been in contact with another guy. He only contacted via text or email as i never wanted my partner to find out. During that time i got totally addicted to him, he was my lifeline in a difficult situation and put up with a lot of panicked texts and worry. I still haven’t seen him. When he heard of the split he said now you tell me, and now he hardly emails me. I still want to see him, but should i just let him go….i know he is addicted to women. No idea want to do..



  83.  #83Daria on February 2, 2011 at 1:31 am

    It’s hitting me.

    Why am I here? Because I like the excitement and safety of being with a man that seems cool to me… I feel worthy in front of other people with him.

    I feel like I can be aloof and self absorbed that I am proud like my man is proud and carries himself in a way that says this man has high self esteem this is a proud person.

    And in public I feel safe – I feel like a celebrity, I feel above judgement .

    That’s why I’m here.

    Would i rather be here than not ?

    I’d – maybe – rather not, cuz im fAntasizing and ‘ waiting ‘ for a guy who calls me once in a blue moon and stands me up. And it might feel better to not be stuck on him and be open to another man even a ‘cool’ man that I can tell is Regal to show up.



  84.  #84LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 1:34 am

    From Rori

    What’s important here is:

    3.  What you do when you get triggered – do you avoid and resist the painful feelings, or doyou sink into them and go THROUGH them to the other side?
    If you RESIST, nothing will change within you internally.  
    You will reinforce your stuck place, AND you will feel even MORE pain – because the pain is in the Resistance.
    If you choose to SINK INTO the feelings and go through them (The way I walk you through in many of my programs…) you will then need to…

    4. …Rest.  You have to rest because your body, mind, spirit and heart will be Regrouping and Reorganizing. 
    Resting, Regrouping and Reorganizing takes the time it takes, and each of us has to learn to get in touch with how this part of the cycle works.
    Now…here’s where you get to decide some things:

    5. How do you choose to go through this process of  Something Happening, Getting Triggered, and Resting?
    Do you wish to be ACTIVE or PASSIVE about getting triggered?
    In other words, do you want to PUSH yourself forward, or do you want to SIT BACK and see what happens?
    No matter what – SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.  
    You WILL get triggered. 
    The only difference is in what YOU CHOOSE to get triggered by, and how active and specific you want to be.

    NOT doing something is not RESTING.
     
    Even if you lock yourself in at home, you will get Triggered.  
    You will go through the cycles over and over again every time you THINK of something that triggers you.

    And here’s where curing an addiction to love and certain kinds of men differs from curing an addiction to alcohol or drugs.
    We know what a drug is. 
    We know what alcohol is.  
    You know when you go into a bar there will be alcohol there.  
    You know when you go to a party with the old friends you used to do drugs with – there will be drugs there. 
    And you know what those drugs look like.
    You can say yes or no to something concrete. 

    But men are different. 
    It takes skill and practice to tell a man who’s a bad drug from a man who’s a good guy. 
    It takes practice getting in touch with your own feelings. 
    Living is an art. 
    And like the art of acting or music, you cannot learn how to be with men without practicing. 
    Without actually DOING the acting scenes and playing the music.

    Tiger Woods could not redo his entire golf swing (a major, major undertaking) without practicing the new swing over and over and over again – and experiencing how drawn he would be to the old swing. 
    Staying away from his golf clubs would not have helped, because the response in his body to picking up a golf club is to swing it in a certain, old way. 
    He has to retrain his body to swing.

    And most all women have been swinging wrong.
      What we consider “dating” and relationship can actually be, as Allana had said here also – an addiction, and not relationship at all. 
    We have taught ourselves to NOT be authentic and NOT to feel in the presence of a man.

    So – we can either go to work, the market, and stay home (and this is all after the “Rest” period – which could take anywhere from hours to days  – and your Rest and Regroup and Reorganization process will go faster and faster every time you go through these cycles if you go INTO the feelings instead of RESIST them)-

    – Or you can force yourself to get Triggered in both – yes – ARTIFICIAL situations (Speed Dating, Online Dating) – and also organic situations (lectures and workshops and classes and stores that interest YOU, and feel good to YOU), and use ALL those situations to use my Tools and my Flirting and Circular Dating techniques to learn – as fast as you can – while still HONORING your need to REST.

    In other words – Dating and Circular Dating is Free Therapy. 
    This is not about “distracting” yourself from your pain and hurt.
    This is not about finding your dream man.

    What this is about is working through your addictions in the presence of the drug, until youlearn which man will ENCOURAGE your addiction – and which man will help you detox, soyou know which to avoid and which to let in.

    This is on-the-job training. 
    This is learn-as-you-go. 
    This has nothing to do with finding Mr. Right.
    This has everything to do with helping YOU feel Right with YOU.
    And from there – you can have EVERYTHING you want.

    We can talk more and more about this, and about what “Resting” uniquely means for you, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Love, Rori

    written by Rori Raye •
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/dating-stops-relationship-hurt/
    Thursday, 30 October 2008 @ 2:14pm

    xxx



  85.  #85Daria on February 2, 2011 at 1:36 am

    What is the deal I’m accepting?

    I’m accepting mentally energetic spending on fantasizing about a mam that is not showi g up, so that I can get that it’s impotmrtant for me to feel safe and Regal and feel like that with/about my man. – maybe

    But all men will do Sonething lame or embarrassing?

    They won’t be flawless pheromonic Regal gods all of the time. Hmm.

    What is it that I want. That feeling of superiority with him out in the world.

    Superiority hides… Safety pleasure attention importance. Aha. Hmm. I like this search about me.



  86.  #86A married woman on February 2, 2011 at 1:40 am

    One word, “Grateful!”.

    Rori, this post is exactly what I need to hear/read NOW. So, thank you. This is also something I am working on. It’s not always about YOU (even though this doesn’t sound good). It’s REALLY not always about YOU. He, is who is he. He does what he does. If it’s not you, he’d still be HE, with someone else. He does it no matter who he is with. That’s just him. It’s part of his character, personality, demeanor, the way he “rolls”. It’s really not always about you, so DON’T take it PERSONALLY. I have to keep reminding myself lately about this.

    Rori, what you wrote here echoes with what I have been realizing. I used to take everything my husband does personally. When he is doing something he loves to do, web surfing, hanging with his peeps, pursuing his wellness by spending money on classes and training, I used to feel sad and get into a bad mood because he wasn’t hovering around me to take care of me and making me happy. However, one day, I realized that happiness really comes from within if just accept the way he is and be normal about it. One time, instead of waiting for him to come to me and becoming moody and even depressed when he didn’t in my time frame, I went and sat next to him after he’d been surfing online for a while, I would be like our dogs, cuddle up next him and find comfort there (notice I didn’t initiate anything here, still leaned back in spirit). He sensed my softness and touched me as he would petting our dogs and reached his lips to mine and kissed me for a while. All the sudden, I got our of the sadness, anger, and depression and got what I needed. Between staying alone and being sour and sad and angry, I chose to be feminine and cuddly. By taking a different move, I tasted the good feelings instead of old depressing moods.

    I don’t want to ignore the title here about “cheating”. There are some things, we just can’t tolerate in our lives. For some people, it’s violence; for others, it’s cheating; then for some people, it’s anger… Notice, these are all things that make relationships difficult. That been said, everyone has their own mechanism to work through these to make decisions. I always remind myself to learn to work with it and sort out my feelings toward these types of difficult situations and how to deal with them. It’s not alway black and white. Life can be complicated, so are your skills to with it, they can be bountiful.

    Important practices to be sure to do in order to know what is right for you is to know your own feelings and deeply accept them. Rori is the master at teaching this. I am now still benefiting from her teaching on this from a year ago. Meditations on finding your center is so very important. Making yourself happy by doing that list of things that make you happy is very important. Most of all, lighten up!

    Hugs and love,
    A Married woman



  87.  #87Daria on February 2, 2011 at 1:49 am

    Lol I think addicted to u meant just that.

    Siren stuff gets him addicted to me oh yes.



  88.  #88Daria on February 2, 2011 at 2:15 am

    How come some men seem intrinsically cooler? Like even if they were persecuted u can sense their dignity?

    And what does that give me?

    A feeling of worthyness? Of importance because he’s important?

    Safety? That I’m always ‘right’ even if judged cuz I have dignity?

    Thrill of being seen As intrinsically self esteeming.

    Hmmm

    I mostly feel a thrill and also a nervousness, insecurity… Am I good enough?

    And also a pride and safety in public… In w the cool guy, so whatever I do I’ll be cool by association.

    I’d like to learn about this pattern for me.



  89.  #89LuLu on February 2, 2011 at 2:31 am

    I feel more relief after reading this post and comments. My situation is messy and I almost kill myself on last Christmas, want to share of my story.

    I met a African at tagged.com 2 years ago, he told me he is married with 3 boys, at the beginning we just chat and share some thoughts, he starts to approach me and ask if I could be his girl friend, I reject at the spot coz I dont want to ruin a family and deep down I know its not right, however, he keep chasing me and I fall for him 6 months later, he is running a trading company in china and am living in Hong kong, he keep brain washing me that although he is married, he loves me and wanted me to be with him, as he didnt have the visa to Hong Kong, so I went to China to meet him, I was thinking if we dont have connection, then I will leave home and nothing going to be happened, when I first saw him, my heart is pounding and so does he, he hold my hands and we had our first dinner and then we have a sweet night, stick together 3 days, and then we maintain the 2-3 days trip once a month, it last for 14 months, what until this Christmas……I had confirmed with him more than 1 time that whether we will be together in Christmas he said YES, so I started to plan for the trip…after the November trip he starts to call less and not even reply my texts, when I went crazy, he said he was back from a business trip and need to rest, he then off from me for 3 more days, I called him on 20 Dec night and he told me he is at the airport ON-HIS-WAY-HOME, i was totally shock and donno how to response, just cry over the phone and asked him if we will not be together this Christmas, he then cut my phone…. I was totally collapes and think of suicide on Christmas, coz I was mad, I was mad about him and I want him to regret for what he had done, luckily a friend of mine call and we had a chat and I calm myself down. Needless to say he did not call when he was in Africa, when he was with wife and children, I did not know when he will be back. I left message on MSN and he replied he felt sorry and I should have know he had a family and he is already stay away from them for 2 years but i am just only 2 months, so dont think he is going to leave me…..I am not mad about him going home, I mad he left without a word, is totally disrespectful, I know I am a mistress but I am not a miserable woman, but this time he had crushed our relationship with his own hands, he is hurting a person who he claimed he cherish the most, but this is not what I feel…..anyway..I am wrong, I made a mistake to being with a married man, I will treat this as a lesson and move on.



  90.  #90Jennifer on February 2, 2011 at 3:53 am

    SS…..
    Luv ya sista girl.
    Here’s the mind fck part.
    He ALWAYS said….”I was gonna” or “the situation didn’t allow”
    so for example. “It was too busy to introduce you to my friends at military graduation” after introducing his parents.
    “I was gonna get you a ring but you left me before I had a chance” after 6 years together.
    And as for the not giving me all the info…
    This triggers me hella huge.
    He did this to me all the time.
    Cause he thinks that if I don’t have the info I can’t get mad.
    So just don’t tell me you openened another account at the bank.
    Just don’t tell me you applied for military housing.
    Just don’t tell me you’ve been chatting other women online…..
    This is where I get really super duper pissed.
    I don’t trust him to give me all the info….he’s famous for with holding.
    I don’t trust him to talk to me about it later….cause he hasn’t historically.
    I’m on the fence between “the universe is brininging me this pattern again so I can work through it.”
    and
    “the universe is bringing me this pattern so I can learn to walk away from it”

    I dunno what to do.
    I didn’t sleep for sh!t last night.
    I am sooo tense today.
    Should I try to feeling message this?
    I don’t know where to even begin…..
    I don’t think… “I feel hella pissed I want to smack your face” is appropriate here.



  91.  #91archerie on February 2, 2011 at 4:22 am

    Hi Jen ,

    I am so sorry you feel this bad.
    I am wondering if you can do a Stop Sign on this ..
    its a rumination, a cycling looping nasty voice thought
    all about what he should and shouldnt do and how things should and shouldnt be.

    I feel your pain because this comes on top of grief, acute and strong. And that underlines the other losses.

    If you can STOP , put your eyes up right and hold it for 5 seconds , then tell yourself grief is ok, it can be there , its not you and you arent it.

    And then read this post agian.
    This man is just being AS HE IS .
    In all his imperfection.
    Its your response to him , that is what is hurting .
    Your expecting and wishing and wanting and hoping for him to be otherwise.

    and for him its “just the way he rolls” .

    Can you accept that?
    Than make your choice of what would feel better for you .
    Can you do that?



  92.  #92Jennifer on February 2, 2011 at 4:37 am

    Archerie…….
    No. I cannot accept this.
    I get stuck cause this is how he rolls with ME.
    Other people he doesn’t do this with.
    I am working through the confusion.
    the circular thinking……..less fun than circular dating let me tell you.
    Thanks for the support.
    It is how he rolls … with me.
    I don’t want a man who rolls like this with me.
    Maybe just saying “I don’t wan’t this regardless of the idea that you could be different” IS working through this
    I dont’ NEED to understand this. I dont need to have the reason behind the variant in the behaviour pattern.
    This is not work.
    Stop.
    I want to feel good
    I want to feel safe
    I want to feel I have the info I need.
    I want to find a man who says he will talk it about it later….and then does.
    I want a man who gives me the whole story…no hidden spots.
    I don’t think I’m strong enough to be able to say “I dont have all the info…and that’s ok”
    I want a man with a different behaviour pattern.



  93.  #93Jennifer on February 2, 2011 at 4:58 am

    Wait.
    ok
    this isn’t a variant
    this is part of the pattern
    Unhappy making behaviour toward me isn’t a variant in an otherwise acceptable pattern.
    It is it’s own pattern.

    Stupid brain.

    He is working his pattern.
    this is his pattern.

    OMG! I’m like dense and stuff.



  94.  #94Sam on February 2, 2011 at 5:12 am

    Hi my name is Sam and I could do with a bit of advice. This is a long one so bear with me:

    While going through a divorce I met a guy when I wasnt interested he just came though the door of my office one day, I was going through caos with my ex and fighting for my kids whom I was granted custody!!!! Well this guy was cool and calm even though his bank hadnt made a transfer he just shrugged we got chatting and he then called me two days later asking if I had time between work and kids would I like to go out. We ended up staying to together on and off for three years. He has helped me in so many ways helped with court fees to keep kids was at court for me then we moved in together. The troubles began with me I have never been jealous before even when my ex cheated on me I got on with my life and kids. Then he asks me to find a bill online cause he lives overseas for two months as a Contractor. His messanger came on and all these girls show up messages calling him sexy and him calling them the same, so many exs. It wasnt the fact that he was in touch but that he never told me always said he was not on line or on face book even thought I was. Then his ex who he has a kid by says shes dying he wont see the kid again and so he ends up spending every moment chatting and sorting her out which I totally understood and then his ex wife starts up whom he has kids by so again I step back and ignore. But what was the final straw was I had cancer I was sick and all of a sudden he never found time to contact me or see how I was just constantly on line to his exs which I let go. But then his ex girfriends start joining facebook and saying hi and he starts spending so much time saying hi to them and to his ex and ex wife while Im at home seein
    him online but not chatting to me. Then I see him asking girls for their pics sending them pics and I leave because I am fed up of being there but him being elsewhere. He says Im so jealous and we dont talk for a year. ( His ex girlfriend is no longer dying and enjoying extra money by this time) Anyway he gets in touch asks if we can have coffe I say ok he starts taking me out to dinner ans then tells me he never got over me that all these exs are just friends and im only one he wants. Before he goes back overseas we agree to try again he texts me every day and says hi and is sweet and kind but forever on with his exs is this natural is it me being jealous im very confused.
    We were engaged and lived to gether and I did have all his passwords (his insistance not mine) which this time I wont allow due to personal boundries.

    I am trying to be cool and go with this as I love him very much but I always have icky gut feeling its not just me despite him saying.

    I had a miscarrage a year ago with him and he wanted me to abort it as he said he didnt want anymore kids who he will hardly see that hurt at the time and was a reason we broke up.



  95.  #95SummerBaby on February 2, 2011 at 5:49 am

    Sam,

    I cannot advise you. I can only tell you MY boundaries in such a situation. I always go with my gut. Icky gut feelings IMHO should not be ignored. There are other men who actually focus on the present relationship and not the 15 that went on before while they are with you.

    In the end it’s your choice.

    Summerbaby



  96.  #96Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.



  97.  #97Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Re 52 Lisi says “Me: I didn’t know you would ever come back, & when u did, u left in 24 hrs & made no commitments. You break my heart. And you scare me. And, when I open my heart to you, you say, “you have a friend in CITY” & leave me crying on the floor.”

    These comments can be perceived as very blameful Rori teaches to take the “you” out of the statements and focus on what we are feeling. When blamed people naturally feel that they have to defend themselves. Also in my humble opinion it is not good sharing details about relationships with other guys, they really don’t want to hear it. I would recommend flipping it around by saying something like “do you really want to go there, because I feel you might not want to share your history on that” or something to that effect.

    If he is angry I would assume he will want to stew in that for a while. As human beings we stay angry for a couple of days and at times we even eventually forget what were angry or arguing about. It would be great if you could lean back with no contact and no thinking about him until he comes back to you. I feel he will be curious to find out if you still love him. Guys like to win so at times IMHO they need to compete with other guys for me.



  98.  #98Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 6:29 am

    RE 82 LuLu it is not clear what you want from the situation?? Are you just writing here to process your feelings and move on? Have you thought about what you will do when he contacts you in the future?



  99.  #99Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 6:31 am

    RE 56 Lisi I have seen a post where Rori recommends we ask ourselves if we really want to be with a man whose sex drive is below ours. She also says that sex is the first thing that goes when there is underlying anger so it might be helpful to ask “are you angry? Is there anything we can do about it?”.



  100.  #100Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Eternity #73:

    I relate to feeling happy being reconnected with an old friend…:)

    To me, sharing info about men you both see on the site…sounds like gossiping and it may keep you from making your own assessment…Is like seeing the “dress” through someone else’s lenses…Rori encourages us to stay away from the gossip…

    I often use this site for venting/riffing … It feels good and safe having more experienced Sirens guide me through the process…of realizing “happy ever after”…

    Thinking of my pre-Rori era, I was easily influenced by other people’s opinions, comments…I was even seeking it…As a result, I was often in a state of confusion…

    Now, I understand that “gossip” is external noise that keeps me from connecting with my own self and learning to trust my feelings…and thus my instincts in making the right decision for ME…

    What do you think?

    Warm hugs,



  101.  #101Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Re 37 Lilyflower “feel so bad because I wasn’t ready”. Lillyflower I would ask myself again “was I really not ready”? Sometimes in my head I am not ready but in my body, my feelings and my heart I am ready. Is there any reason to feel bad or is it just shame because “I think” I was not ready? Was I sending off vibes that I was ready or at least open to the possibility?

    I say no need to feel bad, I was responding in the moment though it might not have been the best thing for me, it is done. I cherish the memory of the experience. You will get there, sex is a precious experience for me that I want to share with someone special but sometimes …………. Most of us have been there.



  102.  #102Jen on February 2, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Is very helpful



  103.  #103Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Loneplum#84:

    Thank you for sharing the letter 🙂 It was just what I needed to read this morning 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  104.  #104LuLu on February 2, 2011 at 7:25 am

    RE 98: Femininewoman:

    thought he is not back to town yet, I dropped him a note to say byee, I know is not right to be with a married man, I am not complaint how I have been treated, I just want to share my story and hope other wont make the same mistake as mine. My dad is seriously ill, he is suffering from end-stage cancer, I want to contribute more of my time to the family.

    If he back to me, I will not take it, I just cannot.

    Is good he left, coz it gives me time to review my faults



  105.  #105Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Rori sent this email I thought might be good here. It is about closure

    A man can usually smell a “game” a mile away.
    (Actually, almost all of us can sense when someone we’re with has low self-esteem but is PRETENDING to be confident.) So a “game” only works for a little while. The qualities of this ideal of a “real, worthwhile” woman most men have in their brains (yes, even the “nerds” have the same ideal of a hard-to-get, much-in-demand woman) can’t be bought or “pretended.” You can’t do it with clothes and hair and makeup (just look at some of the wealthy, gorgeous, famous women out there who have just as much trouble in relationships as we do), it has to come from INSIDE you. That’s why therapy and counseling and self- help books are so popular – we all KNOW that strength and confidence have to come from inside us – but it seems like an impossible task.
    And yet, confidence is not impossible at all!
    I know that if I did it – and I was once total jelly inside (so mushy I worked hard to adapt myself to any man I liked – I tried to become what HE wanted instead of even having a clue about who I was MYSELF) – then I know you can, too!
    It’s a step-by-step, Tool-by-Tool process, and it doesn’t have to take years – it can take days.
    You’ll be surprised what a little understanding, a truckload of my easy Tools, and just a tiny bit of bravery – way less than I KNOW you have already – can do to transform your love life.
    Here’s a new Tool to help you with this whole trick of NEVER letting a man be SO important to your well-being that HE comes first.
    Let’s call this Tool: NO CLOSURE.
    Well, first, what’s “Closure”?
    Closure ISN’T what we usually think of it as – that “final” knowing that a relationship is over, and finally getting to say EVERYTHING that’s been on your mind, get it out and have him hear it.
    Closure can simply be having the final word in a simple conversation.
    It can be about “owing” what time he’s picking you up, or knowing if he’ll ever call, or knowing what will happen next week.
    And Closure is the thing we try to get about all these things that leave us feeling uncertain.
    It’s that feeling of “If I could just know for sure…”
    The thought that you NEED to have the “final” word. That you need to be “heard.”
    And this Tool is so you forget all about those things.
    I want you to forget about EVER getting Closure – about anything.
    Forget about ever understanding anything completely, or getting everything you want to say out on the table, or finally feeling heard and understood by HIM.
    The need for Closure is what drives us to try to control every moment in our lives.
    So what would it be like if you never got any Closure?
    I know it sounds awful.
    We want to hear from his lips crystal clear exactly where we stand and exactly what he’s thinking and feeling, and exactly what’s going on.
    But the problem is, HE might not even know!
    A man may value you so much that he doesn’t want to lose you from his life, but he doesn’t know exactly what to do to keep you.
    The only thing any of us have to go on is what’s actually happening RIGHT NOW, and how it FEELS. So…
    1. Imagine feeling as though a man doesn’t exist in your life unless he’s right in front of you.
    Now…
    2. Imagine your OWN “Degree of Difficulty” being really, really HIGH.
    ***I fully explain and guide you through getting a High Degree of Difficulty in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and for now I’ll just define it here as: How hard a man has to work to get you and keep you.
    This is not about being “High Maintenance” and “Dramatic.”
    This is not about you being so busy that you don’t have time for a man.
    This is not about you pretending not to care, or deliberately not answering calls or playing the “game” of “hard-to-get.”
    It’s about you actually BEING a sought after woman, who all men find attractive and interesting – pretty much by just BELIEVING you are!
    So – your degree of difficulty is directly related to your real self-confidence, and that’s what we’re going to raise by this “No Closure” Tool.
    No Closure is about never putting a “finish” on things.
    Never asking for a “finish,” or a “wrap-up” or a “de-briefing” or even a “clear understanding.”
    It’s about letting go of conversations, letting go of phone calls, letting go of ever hearing from him again, letting go of trying to figure out what that “look in his eye” meant, or what those things he said to you “really meant” or any of that.
    And because not asking for, looking for, expecting, or getting Closure is something we are SO uncomfortable with and unused to – NO CLOSURE requires one major thing.
    It requires that you –
    3. Listen to and trust YOURSELF.
    This means – listen to and trust your FEELINGS.
    So, go ahead and imagine right now that YOU are EXPENSIVE – meaning you have High VALUE, a High Degree of Difficulty, and you’re very hard to get – NOT because you’re “difficult to be with,” but because you ALWAYS go with your FEELINGS.
    What would that look like?
    Well, let’s say it’s something simple.
    He hasn’t called in three days, the weekend is coming up, and you don’t have a date with him yet.
    You check your cellphone to make sure he didn’t leave a message, you check your email to make sure he didn’t leave a message.
    Now what?
    Well, you can imagine what’s going on in your head.
    “He’s in an accident. He forgot. He tried to call but couldn’t get through. He has family issues. Things are rough at work. He’s overwhelmed by the idea of a relationship. Something’s wrong. He’s dumping me…”
    You could probably go on for hours on just this one thing.
    So, what’s the No Closure thing to do?
    The “No Closure” thing to do is to…
    4. DO NOTHING.
    That means – not try to piece it together, or understand it, or make sense of it, or put a lid on your feelings, or send him good thoughts, or ANYTHING.
    So – how do you do that?
    Practice.
    Start by practicing No Closure in small ways in small moments.
    Let’s say he glazes over for a second while you’re talking, or he forgets about you while he’s watching the ball game on TV and drinking beer in the recliner.
    Let’s say he hasn’t told you he loves you yet, though you’ve said it to him.
    Instead of assuming that he doesn’t care, or worrying about what he’s thinking, what if you just turned your attention ELSEWHERE?
    I know that when you’re all bound up in a man, there doesn’t seem to BE an elsewhere – but there really, truly is.
    Every man out there – and there are SO MANY – is a possible “Elsewhere.”
    Think of the possibilities.
    If every man out there is looking for a woman with some “degree of difficulty,” what can you do to raise yours?
    Closure is something we want when we have NO degree of difficulty.
    When we have a High Degree of Difficulty, we believe the truth – that…
    5. We have Choices!



  106.  #106Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Lulu take care of yourself, focus on your family. Your dad needs your love now.



  107.  #107marina on February 2, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Praying for Egypt…. Mubarak, only you can stop the bloodshed by leaving, NOW!



  108.  #108Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Pamelala —

    Thank you for the honest feedback. I owe my career to a class at University where everyone critiqued my writing, and one wrote a formal critique each week. That class improved me more than any other — and that’s why I’m here on the blog — to improve.

    First, there’s always stuff you don’t know, so I’ll clear up a couple of misconceptions:

    1. He initiated the conversation. He had been wanting me to stop dating, but didn’t want to commit, so I’d been in “lean back mode” for a couple of days.

    2. Can you tell me more about why you thought his question was rude, disrespectful and contemptful? We had sex when he was here for the week end. To my mind — one sexual partner has the right to ask another if they have other partners — even if they’re using condoms. It’s awkward for me, and I DEFINITELY was not going to tell him I had slept with someone else before I saw him again. To me, that would have been a manipulative move. My other relationship exists as a separate entity — not a ploy.

    3. I didn’t want to see my comments as an attack — but I think you’re right here. What I want him to know — without attacking — is that every time he withdraws, I move on. When he decided to stay home by himself instead of come for Christmas, I gave up on him. That’s when I gave myself permission to move forward in another relationship — which had gotten to that point.

    When he came and stayed, I felt hope again. I felt so deeply in love with him, and that week end was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. He felt like he was so in love with me, too. And, had he said that he wanted to move forward with me — I would have dropped the other relationship.

    But, he sat on the floor of my bedroom and said that, when he thinks about me, he thinks he’s not ready to be the man I need. He said he hopes someday to be ready for a relationship.

    So, I took him at his word. And I continued living my life, which included having sex again with my other guy.

    4. “You have a friend in CITY” is something he says to me. He gets close physically and emotionally, and then puts me back in friend zone. At Christmas, when he decided not to come, he sent me an email that said, “You have a friend in CITY.” I answered back, “You have a friend in MY CITY,” and then didn’t contact him again.

    It does not refer to him having another sexual relationship. In fact, he told me he hadn’t had sex since the last time with me in early September.

    I guess my answer to, “do we work?” is “sometimes.”

    We work better than my old relationships, and I’m trying to find new ways of communicating that are healthier, whether with him or someone else.

    I don’t think I wanted to make him feel bad, so much as I want him to see that his withdrawal has consequences. And the consequence of his withdrawal is that I move on — not that I am waiting for him.

    I used to take the crumbs from this guy, so this is a big shift for me and for us.

    No, I’m wanting “closure” and found the email from Rori quite timely. We haven’t spoken since his last text to me on Sunday. I didn’t respond, haven’t since, and haven’t heard from him. It’s really hard for me to leave it like this.

    I want comfort. I want to comfort him. We’re both hurt and upset and angry. It’s hard.



  109.  #109Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Oops

    “Now I’m wanting closure.”

    Not “No”

    typo



  110.  #110lilyflower on February 2, 2011 at 10:28 am

    @SS and @SLV

    To clarify, no he did not physically hurt me. The sex was ok, not great. Mostly because I can’t really have a good time in bed unless I am 100% comfortable, which I wasn’t. I’m sure you ladies can relate to that.

    He called this morning. I was groggy and sleepy but a feeling message came out without my even trying (!) “I feel sort of ignored and neglected the last few days. It doesn’t feel good and it turns me off.”
    He responded by saying that my feelings are important to him and that the “last thing on earth I want to do is turn you off”….so we’re getting somewhere. Baby steps. Thanks for your support everyone and sorry for the late reply.



  111.  #111Lorelei on February 2, 2011 at 10:30 am

    WaveMan (500 miles, 3 dates in 4 months) was texting about porridge today, and in a humorous sort of way was comparing himself to porridge. I texted back ‘Warming and sustaining?!”

    He just replied with “I’d like to warm and sustain you. Chance would be a fine thing.”

    I’m not sure if his second sentence translates well across the pond. It means something you would like, but think unlikely to happen.

    I feel rather warmed by this reply, actually, but do I just send this? I could just text, “I feel rather warmed to hear this.”

    BUT, I’m beginning to feel quite worried, because I feel I should address some issues here. Not Siren-like at all, as far as I can tell. There is the issue of him living 500 miles away, and (though this has never been discussed), as far as I can guess, there is plenty to keep him there, and I don’t imagine he would move.

    AND, there is the issue that there is not going to be any real warming and sustaining just by text, phone, and a date every one to two months.

    I feel worried HE is getting into an imaginary relationship, and I don’t want to lead him on. And I feel every so slightly worried that I could get drawn into an imaginary relationship as well. At the moment he is one among the few in my small rotation . . . and I have a date with ZenMan on Saturday.

    I’m asking myself how to text back, how to be authentic in feeling messages, how to stay open to him, in CD terms, and how not to close down. I do quite like him. There is no reason to dump him, and go for closure now . .

    So I’m trying out a few ideas here”

    How can I be authentic without pouring cold water all over him?

    “I feel rather warmed hearing this . . . but would feel better to be warmed and sustained when I can see your eyes . . and hear your voice . .”

    “I feel warm hearing this. But feel uncertain about being sustained mostly by texts. I need face to face.”

    “I feel rather warmed to hear this. But would feel better talking about it face to face.”

    “I feel rather warmed to hear this. Might feel even warmer face to face . . . ”

    I don’t know what to say about his phrase that makes it sound as if he thinks he won’t ever get the chance to warm and sustain me. I’m not sure if he means the miles apart, or that he’s not sure what I think.

    All reactions welcome.



  112.  #112Daria on February 2, 2011 at 10:33 am

    passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    Yay! Just what I thought! About shorter dates vs weekend long ones. Yum me.



  113.  #113Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Lisi, thanks for the clarifications – that helps a lot. I think the reason that his question seems rude and contmptuous is that it comes right at the beginning of the conversation and is worded so tritely (is that a word?). “Are you having sex with your date?” Has nothing to do with your heart or soul…it feels disconnected from anything having to do with your relationship, but seems more like a setup for you to reveal to him whether or not he is still important to you. If he had said, “I really care about you and find myself obsessing about whether or not you are having sex with your new guy. Since things ended so badly between us, I don’t expect you to tell me if you are or not, but wanted you to know it’s been on my mind” would feel more real and less manipulative on his part. Also, since, in your eyes, you were moving on and not planning on having sex with him again, there is no reason to reveal the details of your sex life out of respect for his need to keep himself safe. So, a simple, “I feel uncomfortable sharing details of my relationship with another man. If we ever decide to get back together and work on things, we can discuss it at that time. I feel sad to know that you are hurting.”

    I don’t know, that just feels more honest and boundary-holding to me.

    I need to run to work. Hope you have a day filled with good things. Take care of you. K?



  114.  #114Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Daria —

    I’m really enjoying your line of thought.

    It brings me to mind one of the reasons I picked my “ex.”

    He’s totally hot. He has presence. He has charisma.

    When I went to a family reunion last summer, one of my cousins spent some time conversing with him. Then she emailed me later, “Good catch, girl.”

    He’s that guy. The one other women look at and see a catch.

    When he was here for the week end, we went out with friends. One of the gals was TOTALLY attracted to him. I went out this week end, and she asked me, “Where’s your other half?”

    Yeah — that’s status. It’s alluring.

    But, I kept being willing to put up with his withdrawal for it. Now, I want a man who I can feel good with in public AND who’s hot between the sheets and who’s into me.

    Thanks for stimulating my thoughts.



  115.  #115Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

    @96 Femininewoman

    Thanks for sharing that.

    Frustration is your friend.

    Build tension.

    Yes — I’m done dating. I’m ready for marriage now.

    I’m on it…..



  116.  #116Josie on February 2, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Sirens – what message do you think the Universe is trying to send me by making all of my significant relationships pretty much sexless.
    They have all started off well, but sex has dwindled as the relationships have gone on, for a variety of reasons from sexuality confusion to porn addiction and medication issues.
    My latest relationship with my fiance is proving to be the most difficult so far. When we met he told me he had been a battered husband and after dating for a while he shared the fact that this had caused him problems and now used Viagra.
    He has now shared the fact that he actually hates sex and only did it to please me.
    He wants to get over this and has been to the docs to have his hormone level checked and it’s all come back normal. He says he knows it’s all in his head and needs help getting over his dislike of sex. We have come up with some solutions ourselves and some from the doc but what I guess I am really asking is why me? Again!



  117.  #117Turtle Girl on February 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Summerbaby#74

    I had the same thing with ex toxic man. Sex was a long wait in between and eventually I felt unattractive and like something was wrong with me. But there wasn’t. It was him. He had issues. Every 3 or 4 months totally sucks. I will never ever be with another man who acts like that.

    Then there is the opposite extreme,
    the guys who want it 3 times A DAY. They have issues too in my book, sexual addiction is destructive just like any addiction is. You begin to feel like a piece of meat or his drug for his addiction.

    Hey universe can I have a “normal” man please? Thanks! lol xx00



  118.  #118Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 11:08 am

    @96 & 99 Femininewoman —

    Thank you.

    I’m mulling over your comments.

    You’re absolutely right that I could have phrased those texts differently and gotten a different result.

    Let me think:

    Maybe if I had just said, “I’m scared, too.”

    Maybe if I’d said, “I felt hopeless that we would ever be together again, and I felt clear with moving on.”

    That might have been a good place to go with it…

    Also, sex goes when there is underlying anger. Wow.

    I’ve been an angry person all my life. I’ve also been celibate most of my life. I’m far less angry now, having processed, than I was. And, I’m having sex….. Hmmmm….

    Perhaps he loses his desire for sex when he has anger. And, opening up about the anger, allows us to clear it.

    I can see how that works.

    Now I feel curious about trying this with him. But I don’t know if I’ll get the chance, because I don’t know if he’ll contact me again.

    He was so angry — it might have been a deal breaker for him.

    But — frustration is my friend. And, right now, that man is feeling frustrated that he hasn’t heard from me, and he has visions of me having sex with another man dancing in his head.

    So, maybe that will drive him to contact me.

    Or not. We’ll see….



  119.  #119Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Hi! Freezing rain here last night. It’s 40 degrees farenheit now, so not bad out. Just checking in to say hi!



  120.  #120Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 11:15 am

    @110 Lilyflower:

    Whenever you say “I fee” and the next word ends with “ed” — it’s not a feeling.

    “I feel sort of ignored and neglected the last few days.”

    Ignored isn’t a feeling. It’s your interpretation of what he was DOING. Same with neglected.

    But — when you went on and said, “doesn’t feel good” and “feel turned off”

    THOSE were feeling messages.

    Hugs,

    Lisi



  121.  #121Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Hi Brenda!

    Nice to see you on.

    Lisi



  122.  #122Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

    RE 119 Brenda I feel we are in the same location.



  123.  #123Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 11:19 am

    RE 116 Josie I am curious to know if he has tried therapy? This could possibly unearth where it started and what might have triggered it, such as some abuse from childhood?



  124.  #124Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 11:21 am

    RE 115 Lisi I say out loud I am ready for marriage but I am done with “casual” dating so for the situations that were stalling I walked away without saying anything. When they contact me now I just respond but am circular dating.



  125.  #125Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I feel bad for J because of this whole financial mess. He was here today talking with me about it and trying to straighten things out with banks and other accounts. While he was here I asked him to unclog the toilet for me — and he ended up making it overflow, which he felt bad about.

    I noticed that when things go wrong, my instinct is to get angry at him — always has been, I’m realizing — but the real emotion driving the anger is FEAR.

    I told him that today. I feel scared of so many things.

    I also had to tell him to not sign the divorce papers when they arrive in his mailbox because I have to have gall bladder surgery and need to have insurance until that’s done.

    He expressed some sadness about the divorce.

    He has had a really bad week. Mine hasn’t been too great either. And the financial mess is also affecting all my transactions bc the check he wrote me (alimony) bounced as part of the long chain reaction.

    I feel sad and scared.

    I kind of felt like hugging him before he left, but I didn’t. I felt concerned that hugging him would just confuse everything for both of us.



  126.  #126lilyflower on February 2, 2011 at 11:25 am

    @lisi 120

    This really makes me feel triggered. How can you tell me what a feeling is? ‘ed’ is past tense. How is that inappropriate usage of feeling? Neglect is a feeling, being ignored is a feeling in my head. But I see what you are saying about the word ignored.

    I’m coming off defensive here, I’m sure. But it does not feel good to hear that I don’t understand what feelings are



  127.  #127Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 11:26 am

    RE 111 Lorelei how about letting go of the relationship thought. It is fun and flirtation just mirror back at him by using is words is what I would do. Treat him like someone you are not attracted to. He throw words you throw them back. The ball is in your court. Sorry but it feels like it is in your best interest to forget about having a relationship with him. For me it is easier to have fun and play with someone I am not attracted to.



  128.  #128Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @116 Josie —

    Law of Attraction states that you draw into your life that which you ARE.

    Since you have a pattern of drawing in sexless relationships, how about we look at you for a minute, instead of them.

    Were you molested, raped, assaulted, or have you got any sexual trauma?

    How did your sexuality develop from child to teen?

    Did you feel safe or okay with being attractive, or are you afraid of it?

    If you’re afraid of being sexually attractive — are you overweight? Often, we use our weight to physically keep men and sexuality away.

    I would focus on 2nd and 3rd chakra. 2nd chakra is below your belly button — about where your uterus is. It’s the seat of your relationship to power in the world: power, sex and money. It is orange. It corresponds to the Christian Sacrament of Confession.

    3rd chakra is the seat of your self-esteem. It is yellow. It is your honor code, and your integrity. It corresponds to the Christian Sacrament of Communion.

    I would focus on feeling and “clearing” the energy in these two chakras. You want to visualize the colors as pure — with the divine energy flowing in through your front, passing through you and out the back.

    Probably, you have trouble opening the back of your second chakra. Focus on opening it and letting the energy pass through unblocked.

    Hope it helps.



  129.  #129Femininewoman on February 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

    RE 111 Lorelei I like this one
    ““I feel rather warmed to hear this. Might feel even warmer face to face . . . ” If he wants to go in an imaginary relationship I would let him because I am not chosing to go there with him.



  130.  #130Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 11:33 am

    @126 Lilyflower —

    Sad to hear you’re feeling triggered. Feeling sorrow and a need for connection.

    Yes, “ed” is past tense verb. It’s a great clue to realize that the word you’re thinking isn’t an emotion, but an action — a verb.

    I can understand you’re feeling a little defensive. It’s hard to think we don’t know something that seems as simple as what’s a feeling and what isn’t.

    But, in our culture and language, we’re accustomed to hearing “I feel” followed by an action or a judgment. So, maybe you’ll feel less defensive if you hear that it’s something I struggle with, too?

    Here’s the NVC list of feelings:

    http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

    This has been really helpful for me in learning what is a feeling and what isn’t.

    I am feeling hopeful that this will feel good to you.

    I have a need to contribute, help, and show love by giving.

    Hugs,

    Lisi



  131.  #131Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 11:36 am

    FW, thanks for the Gottman post.

    “They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice.”

    Yes, exactly. That’s where I am. Who’s with me?



  132.  #132Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I feel a bit lost without my dating sites!



  133.  #133Josie on February 2, 2011 at 11:52 am

    123: Femininewoman We know what triggered it for hm, he was battered and ridiculed by his wife for ‘doing it wrong’.
    He equates sex with pain, fear and embarrasment.

    &
    128 Lisi
    No, I have never been abused, have had no trauma and I have an average to slightly above average sense of self esteem.

    I’m average weight and like how I look.
    I really don’t know why my life has been one long line of sexless relationships!!!



  134.  #134Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Josie, it sounds like EMDR might be a good way to go to help him clear up those negative memories/messages. I would suggest looking into it. Pam



  135.  #135lilyflower on February 2, 2011 at 11:58 am

    @lisi 130

    Thanks for the link. I will definitely keep this as a reference. Whether or not the message I used was a ‘true’ feeling message… it had the effect I was looking for.



  136.  #136LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    #130
    Lisi – Thank you so much for posting that feelings list, it’s an amazing help for a newbe like me!
    I have always used “ed” words after the I feel part… Now I know what I was doing wrong… HA!
    I’ll put that into practice tonight when I talk to C… I noticed that while I was practicing what to say, when I was using the feelings properly, it was almost impossible to come across as accusing or demanding…
    Thanks! X



  137.  #137LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    #130
    Lisi – Thank you so much for posting that feelings list, it’s an amazing help for a newbe like me!
    I have always used “ed” words after the I feel part… Now I know what I was doing wrong… HA!
    I’ll put that into practice tonight when I talk to C tonight… I noticed that while I was practicing what to say, when I was using the feelings properly, it was almost impossible to come across as accusing or demanding…
    Thanks! X



  138.  #138Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    I just posted my favorite Rumi quote on my cousin’s Facebook wall. It is:

    Out beyond the ideas of right-doing

    And wrong-doing

    There is a field.

    I’ll meet you there.



  139.  #139Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    In #24, I meant “figuratively” — not “euphemistically.” Oops. 🙂



  140.  #140Daria on February 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    i feel sad

    i feel disappointed i don’t havea lineup today

    of guys coming to see me

    feed me

    smoke me

    massage me

    pleasure me

    aid me

    with fixing my bike

    or even

    a lil past my expectation and comfort zone

    aid me with

    preparing my files

    or even

    way past that

    with

    negotiating sums with the banks

    and that is what i want

    today

    and i have asked the spirits for help

    and they will help me

    i allow it

    i am choosing to be open

    although i fele all kinds of feleings

    **

    and i

    want

    fun

    and

    to feel good tomorrow

    as well

    tomorrow when i have to be at

    8

    to

    the park



  141.  #141Daria on February 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    i feel disappointed

    anxious

    i want FUN



  142.  #142Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    OKay….now I find out he accidentally took my keys — including my car key and house key. WTH????????



  143.  #143Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I am experiencing dating site withdrawal. Hehe. That’s telling. 🙂



  144.  #144Daria on February 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    felt attacked by my mom just now

    instant energy loss

    feeling angry

    feeling sad

    loss of power

    major

    “can’t get anything done today now”

    blaming thoughts

    losing power

    want to feel good

    wnat to feel excited about today

    want to feel fun right now!

    🙂



  145.  #145Nicole on February 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    I’m re-posting my question on the newest feed b/c no one responded to it on the older blog.

    RORI and Ladies…

    I recently realized I have an extremely hard time letting my guard down and don’t know when to believe a guy is genuine or not. Maybe its this whole notion that Rori is talking about… that some guys are just addicted to cheating… I think i’m scared to let myself fall for anyone b/c I don’t want them to be that kind of guy.

    I was in a relationship for 6 years (from when i was 18-24).. It was a very healthy relationship but it didnt last b/c we just grew apart. Now, I’m 25 and am enjoying the dating scene, but I feel kind of lost (prob b/c I’m not used to the single lifestyle). The last 2 guys I have talked to started out casual and both guys pursued me really hard. I let my guard down w/ both those guys, and it seems to come back and bite me in the ass.

    Now, I’m completely single, just going out and having a great time, meeting a lot of people.

    I recently met who is pursuing me. I didnt like him at first bc he is alittle younger then me, and I had a problem with that b/c I’m used to dating guys a little older then me. But he has grown on me and i’m really starting to like him.

    I’m beginning to get frustrated b/c I want to reciprocate things he says to me. Like when he randomly texts me in the middle of the day saying “I miss you”, I don’t want to say it back (even though I miss him too) b/c I want him to keep pursuing me but I also don’t want to give him the impression I don’t like him at all.

    How do I find a good balance?? And How do I know if he is for real and truly genuine?
    I’m scared to let my guard down, but I also don’t want that to take away from him getting to know me.
    What do I do?!?

    Thanks Beauties!

    Nicole



  146.  #146LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/95/J9FahGbnt-U

    How to know when to put your ding dang in the wing wang 🙂

    xxx



  147.  #147Daria on February 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    did some EFT on resistance to change

    waxed my upper lip

    feeling a bit better

    i want my PEEZY!

    PEEZY COME TO MAMA

    i’m gonna drink my adrenaline supporting herbs



  148.  #148Sammie on February 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Hi Nicole,

    There are many sirens here who are excellent at feeling messages, so you will surely get some great ones.

    If it were me, I’d try to keep it simple. Something such as:

    Thanks, that feels good to hear. It always feels great being with you!

    Or, whatever feeling word feels most appropriate. Take baby steps here. You don’t have to say back that you miss him, but encouraging him (if you do in fact like him) would be helpful to the budding relationship and in you making feeling statements.

    Good luck!

    Sammie



  149.  #149Sammie on February 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Nicole,

    Also, in response to your “how do you know if it’s for real” question…

    Time, opening yourself up, and circular dating…



  150.  #150Daria on February 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    men are starting to come to mama online! including some interesting ones

    woohoo



  151.  #151LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm


  152.  #152LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/72/3HbcD1-eEik

     How Can You Trust The Guy You are Dating?

    xxx



  153.  #153Sammie on February 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    LonePlum,

    Thanks for the dating videos! I’d never seen the dating gurus on that site. Some great info!



  154.  #154Angelique on February 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I feel confused about on-line dating and have a question. I find that I am getting a lot of men giving me their phone numbers very quickly and wanting to talk. I am trying to determine a safe way to do this while CDing and leaning back. Any suggestions? A few times I told them that I didn’t feel comfortable giving my phone number out right away and wanted to email / chat a while first and asked them what they thought. This seemed to be effective in a few cases, but most of the local men backed away quickly. Maybe this was too much work, and they didn’t want to put forth the effort? If that is the case, then I suppose it was a good thing. I find it very hard to “lean back” while communicating on-line. In fact, when I first put up my profile I was overwhelmed with the responses, but most have seemed to fall away. It’s funny though because I test this and will send an email, and they all respond and seem interested. But if I just wait for them to email – – some just don’t. Guess I just need a lot more practice in this concept of leaning back.



  155.  #155LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/97/kJuWoXxo-DE

    How to know “he’s just not that into you.

    xxx



  156.  #156Daria on February 2, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Angelique – Rori advises quickly moving to talking… and then to meeting (short 30 min meeting close by your area) in person… before this it is not “real”

    many women have hangups about this, but… to me it feels safe to talk on the phone…



  157.  #157Daria on February 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    WOW!

    Dr. Christopher (seems to be well recommended and ) has a great Adrenatone

    i feel my energy super stronger now and I feel more able to

    emotionally be brave

    with the tasks i am considering today

    i feel so much more powerful after taking one spoon of those herbs!



  158.  #158Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Angelique, I usually skip the phone calls altogether and meet right away – like Rori says “go through men like water.” 🙂



  159.  #159Eternity on February 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Darling Ella 100

    Thank you for your kind words. It feels really good catching up with my friend again. Yes, maybe it would be gossip to discuss the guys on the site with her. I hadn’t thought of that, thankyou.

    I’m feeling scared about online dating. I thought it would feel good having attention from guys. It just doesn’t and now some want to meet, not even talk on the phone first. I don’t want to feel pressured and stressed. It takes me a long time to get to know and trust someone. I want to take things slow and I’ve told them that but they are pushing so I’m just ignoring them.

    Reading about date rape has made me feel panicked and a bit hysterical about meeting someone new.

    I’m trying just to feel the feelings. I want to do things that make me feel good again, I’m not sure online dating is it just now.



  160.  #160Lucy on February 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Now I wish I had hugged him.



  161.  #161LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm


  162.  #162LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    .
    .
    http://vimeo.com/10446858

    Meet the members of the MANimal species

    xxx



  163.  #163Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    LonePlum —

    Thanks for the video references.

    I watched several.

    Gotta go to work now. Client here!

    L



  164.  #164Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Hi sirens!

    I was wondering if anyone might be willing to offer me some ideas on how to answer the question, “So, what are you looking for on Match.com?”. It’s such an open ended question…I can feel myself wanting to go on and on about what I’m looking for in a partner and my desire to ultimately find a life partner/marriage, but believe that it will take time to discover what works, what doesn’t, etc. Etc.

    I want to write something succinct in a FM that doesn’t scare him away…guess that’s the agenda. I should probably just focus on speaking truth and let whatever outcome manifest organically.

    Can you assist? Thanks!



  165.  #165Daria on February 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Pamelala – im feeling open to meeting men for dates and seeing how i feel with them



  166.  #166Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Daria – I had to smile at what you wrote. Why do I make everything so complex?! Thank you 🙂



  167.  #167Daria on February 2, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    oh wow so excited!

    i was looking and feeling all sad downstairs cuz i wasnt getting myself up to calling those people i am going to negotiate with

    and my mom asked me whatsup

    and i paused

    and then i told her the truth that i felt bad that i wasnt getting myself to a positive place to make that call

    and she said

    well then, let it be, you can do it tomorrow, or the day after!

    OMG! MY MOM! the one who i feel PRESSURED BY

    i felt SO LOVED!!!

    and i gave her a big hug

    what a blessing!!!

    i feel GREAT and excited and now i kinda feel curious about calling the people too

    haha

    🙂



  168.  #168Daria on February 2, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    I feel so glad I did my “resistance to change” EFT video! this is GREAT CHANGE!



  169.  #169T-Girl on February 2, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    A thought recently occured to me – do you think there are men out there reading a “Rori” type of website on how to attract or keep their women, telling them that not calling or texting drives women crazy and makes them want you more? LOL



  170.  #170malaikah on February 2, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Lisi: Loved the feeling message inventory site. Ditto with the Rumi quotation- his quotations fill me with a sense of peace and wonder =)



  171.  #171Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    T-Girl —

    yes, they are. There are a ton of sites for men, teaching them how to play hard to get. If you get a guy who’s reading one of those sites, he’s going to lean back, because that’s what he’s being taught.

    Malaikah — Thanks! I feel delighted to know it connected for you.



  172.  #172Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Pamelala —

    I also add that I’m not available for any casual hook up.

    That gets it outta the way right away.



  173.  #173Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Ugh, leaning-back men are unsavory. Just sayin’



  174.  #174Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Men who have something to lose lean back further than ones who feel desperate, or have nothing to lose.

    A certain amount of hesitance on both sides is a good sign.

    That way, the relationship grows at a slow pace, which can turn into forever. Whirlwind romance = no bueno.



  175.  #175Violet on February 2, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    My addage is to treat others as I would want to be treated.

    I’ve been mogonomously dating a man I’ll name ‘W’.
    We were dining this afternoon and he started to joke around. My response to his playful ‘baiting’ was silence.

    He continued joking around, however, his tone became increasingly defensive as I continued to be silent.

    I sensed the change in tone and asked him if he was angry because of my silence. He answered, “Yes”.

    Now, I know it wasn’t my intention for him to get angry.
    It was more my intention to gauge his response when I didn’t ‘play by the rules’ by acting playful in return.

    I thought about my behavior. I know for a fact that I would be upset if someone didn’t respond to me. I would feel ‘ignored’ and ‘disrespected’, like I wasn’t important.

    I certainly didn’t think about negative consequences for my behavior towards ‘W’.

    I called him and apologized for ‘coming off the way I did’.

    I feel better about myself for doing this. He hadn’t done anything to deserve the ‘silent treatment’. I accepted responsibility for my actions, then let it go.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~



  176.  #176Angelique on February 2, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Thank you for the responses to my questions about on-line dating and giving out my phone number. I have started giving my cell number to a couple of guys. So, I will give this some more thought and not be as hesitant.

    It does feel that some men lean back and that feels very odd to me. I have never been one to chase a man, however, I have been learning so much about myself even in the on-line emails, and phone conversations that I have had since learning these techniques. I can feel it when I start to lean in.

    So, if both people are leaning back and waiting for the other to approach – nothing happens and the potential melts away. Is that a good thing? I am struggling with that idea.



  177.  #177LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    HELP… Please…

    I just got an email form C’s ex (we aren’t friends but sometimes she writes to ask me how are things going… I keep it light hearted trying to encourage her but have never told her that C and I are talking again after our split)
    Tonight she told me that C wrote her last week telling her that he is planning a trip to Germany and would like to see her…
    I am supposed to talk to C on the phone in 20 mins and I want to die!!!
    I don’t know if I should believe her, I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know what I’m feeling!!!
    I need to ask C if this is true but I want to do it looking at him and not on the phone… what do I say tonight and what do I tell him tomorrow when I see him?
    And most of all, how do I break it off in a siren’s way…
    I am crying so much… please help me…



  178.  #178Violet on February 2, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Hello!

    I want to say that I’ve learned SO much from reading Rori Raye’s Newsletters and comments from others.

    I still feel like I’m baby stepping my way along. There seems like so much to absorb! It’s like I’m changing an entire lifestyle of thinking and behaviors!

    I’ve started some techniques, such as ‘leaning back’. I’ve noticed a huge change in that I’m much more relaxed.
    I feel like men are coming out of the woodwork to approach me. I believe men sense the difference in a woman who ‘leans back’ to one that ‘leans forward’.

    Men back off from women that act desparate. It makes them feel trapped and unable to breath.
    They find it MUCH easier to approach a woman who exudes confidence from within.

    Even if I’m not confident, I will ‘fake it until I make it’.

    I’m working on ‘feeling’ responses. It comes easier with practice. I feel empowered in knowing that the results are worth the effort.

    I feel the bigger picture for me is that I allow the man to be who he is. I’m not in control of his problems and don’t want to be!

    I’m in control of my thoughts, actions, and reactions and don’t need to make a man responsible for them!

    I want this empowerment! Therefore, I shouldn’t give it to a man. I sure as H-E-Double Hockey Sticks shouldn’t complain about the consequences of giving empowerment to anyone over me!

    As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.”

    It’s time for me to hit the bricks! You people take it easy and stay cool!

    ~ Violet ~



  179.  #179Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    146: LonePlum says:
    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/95/J9FahGbnt-U

    How to know when to put your ding dang in the wing wang

    xxx

    Pah! This made me laugh at loud!

    2-3 months!!! Ha, we’ll see. I like those 2 though.



  180.  #180Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    LittleDoc —

    Where is your relationship with C? Are you back together? Are you exclusive?

    Is he violating an agreement with you by talking to her?



  181.  #181Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    177: LittleDoc says:
    HELP… Please…

    ***

    LittleDoc, hugs…I feel soooo sad that you are crying…

    I think some of the other sirens may have better feedback on what to say, but one thing Daria said lately comes to mind…something like, don’t communicate at all until you are absolutely clear on how you feel and what you want to say…maybe she can say it better herself… 🙂

    I am thinking of you…



  182.  #182LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Lisi… yes, when we talked we spoke about being serious about the relationship… the problem before was that he was seeing other people, I told him this time it wasn’t to happen, he agreed
    The problem with this German girl is that he always told me she was a psycho (apparently she even hacked into his email account and sent stuff around)
    He sent her an email telling her he was getting married this spring to get her off his back this Christmas… WTH!!!
    If u tell me you hate someone and she’s insane and u told her to back off big time how can u write her that you want to see her???



  183.  #183LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Andi thank you… I’m devastated…
    I don’t know who is lying here… I don’t know what to believe anymore…



  184.  #184Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Ooohhh — major alarm bells.

    Guys who cheat usually describe the other woman as a psycho in order to lower her credibility, should you ever see any evidence of her.

    Guys who cheat will tell the other woman that YOU’RE a psycho.

    If I were you — I’d put him off and get some more info from her.

    If he’s a cheater, he’s not gonna tell you the truth, and confronting him is just going to lead you to feeling confused.



  185.  #185Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    32: LonePlum says:
    Watch for the signs of an addictive personality.

    People are never addictive to only one thing, it is a personality.
    If he is addicted to you right from the beginning, he might be bad news.
    And he probably is addictive to something else.
    Observe his life.

    ***

    What are the signs for if a man is addicted to you? (In a negative sense.)



  186.  #186Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    65: Nancy says:
    I think there is some truth to the opinion that men who are serious about finding a real relationship are on the pay sites.

    ***
    A resounding YES YES YES. I have had a very positive experience with mine so far, nothing weird. The quaility has been extremely high.



  187.  #187Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’ve gotten lots of dates off of Craigslist, but almost nothing off of Match.com.

    The guys on there either don’t initiate, or don’t respond to a wink.

    I only ever wink.



  188.  #188Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    112: Daria says:
    passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    ***

    Hi Daria,

    This is a very interesting concept to me. Is there somewhere I can read/learn more about it?

    I think this is my biggest struggle. Over years of environmental conditioning as I was growing up, I was “trained” to NEVER do anything that might frustrate a man.

    So this idea of causing frustration at any level for a man in a dating relationship is the opposite of how I am wired.



  189.  #189Andi on February 2, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    I know you are referring to creating space here – and saying no to requests to see you, etc. if it gets excessive. But again, the whole saying no thing is what I am working on, I think I am improving. It takes a lot out of me though.



  190.  #190LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    #184
    Lisi – I’m rather lost!
    He just called so I quickly dried up the tears and was the best actress ever… I laid back, was flirting, giggled with him because I don’t want him to guess anything…
    The bit of the story you are missing (I was too in a hurry before to tell you everything) are that:
    1- she is indeed a drama queen, she reprimanded him in public in a museum because he arranged to see a friend for dinner on her last day of visiting NYC… He hadn’t seen this friend who is a pilot and always away, in 8 months
    2- she sends him love texts and then hate ones in the space of 2 hours
    3- apparently she sent him a crazy Christmas card saying that she loves him, can’t wait to see him soon but he broke up with her last March
    4- the person hacking his account wasn’t her because who did it conceded that to me (I’m sworn to secrecy s o h e doesn’t know that i am aware of it) but he linked stuff happening around his emails and her crazy Christmas card together and thought she did it and now that she got rid of all the other ex girlfriends with her round of emails, he would go back to her! As a matter of fact, he chose to come back to me and not to her…
    5- my alarm bells are ringing like crazy and I don’t know what to do…
    I think I want out of all this drama… I deserve much better than being with a man I would always have to worry about… On the other hand if she really is the psycho I don’t want him to have to pay for my insecurities…
    What to do, what to do????



  191.  #191Daria on February 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Andi – those words stuck out to me from a comment a few up from mines… here’s the whole comment:

    96: Femininewoman says:
    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.



  192.  #192Daria on February 2, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Little DOC – STOP!!!

    /NO! YOU DO NOT!!! DO NOT!!! want to be the best actress ever.

    Keeping your feelings hid WILL KILL any chance of this relationship with this man

    I noticed you said you NEED to ask him (you do not “need” to)

    and that you’d rather do it in person… There’s no reason for that… I WOULD NOT HOLD IT IN!!! communicating this overwhelming feeling is much more important than waiting to be face to face

    absolutely not PRETEND ANYTHING

    and Please, no sneaking around behind his back to get info from this other woman

    AUTHENTICITY is what we practice here. IT is VERY IMPORTANT!! FUNDAMENTAL!



  193.  #193Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    SLV in the house… tee hee 😆

    Looks like a lot of posts here…

    xoxo
    SLV



  194.  #194Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Andi —

    Read #96 by Femininewoman.

    That’s what Daria was quoting.



  195.  #195Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Thanks, Daria —

    One of the first things I said to my ex was, “Be authentic. It’s the only thing worth being.”

    I think I forgot that and tried to live by his rules.

    Hhmmmmm…..



  196.  #196Daria on February 2, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    I would also not put weight on what she says and no longer allow her to contact me.



  197.  #197Daria on February 2, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Little Doc – it seems you, like me, are addicted to drama

    somehow i feel so attracted to getting involved with listening to another woman, pretending with him, and trying to “catch him” redhanded etc

    this is TOXIC

    i sit on my hands and don’t respond to women contacting me

    i practice being authentic with him “i felt awful hearing this from her and am feeling panicked and scared… what’s going on?”

    “i don’t want other women contacting me… what do you think?” — along with my no longer willingly accepting their calls,

    really INTRUSIONS of energy in MY relationship

    there is room for only ONE woman in My relationship… and i practice having the boundaries with HIM and MYSELF to create that



  198.  #198Kristine on February 2, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Hello ladies, I have a life changing experience that I wanted to share not only to encourage other women but to finally tell the truth of my story. I had a domestic violence problem with my ex whom I have 3 children by. I finally felt at peace I let him go almost 4 years ago..and went to nursing school. I am on my way to being a R.N. Well I became a maneater I guess you would say, I protected my heart and put up the gates but still had sex with them and didn’t know why because sex is just sex…well this last year I have lost 2 grandparents whom i loved dearly and by some FORCE or nature started seeing my ways kept getting me the same results that were not what I wanted. Yes I have 3 amazing children whom are my world, I don’t have a lot of money, my credit sucks and I live at home but even with all that I am finally happy with me and what I aM and who I have become. One man changed that for me a lot!! I will call him Winston…Winston and I had 3 dates and had amazing chemistry, like I never have felt and I am not sure how it happened in 3 or 4 dates. He hurt me in a lot of ways but I am not angry I am greatful and blessed because now I know exactly what I want deserve and will not settle for anything less. The look in his eyes were so true, he seemd everything I wanted, yet I saw what I wanted him to be. I didn’t know him but I loved him. We have known eachother a total of about 2 years but supposedly he took a deployment to Qatar. Before he left we spent an amazing night together we were texting and talking on webcam when he arrived in Qatar. It is a difficult story cause the wound is healing but he said things about marriage and played with my mind. When I let my guard down with him I gave him the power to make me crazy. I was so into him I lost myself, my love and my wonderful life I once had. I wanted us to work so badly and took it to extreme to give up loving myself. I finally ended it he made some mean comments really rude comments and I said enough, walked away we havent spoke since. like he dropped off the face of the earth. I have since started back to me, taking care of me, loving myself and learning to be with myself and not depending on any man to fix me. We have to fix ourselves and love ourselves before we go any further. I have learned I would have been just as toxic to him if we did end up together then ..because I didn’t feel the love for myself, the self esteem was not there, I was looking for him to make me happy. I am cding finally and love myself, my children and my family more than anything. I will never settle for crumbs or be put down for I am a Goddess and I don’t have to fake it til i make it anymore, I made it ..I am me and I love it. So all I can say lean way back in life enjoy every moment in your life don’t give anyone the power to ruin your day…One day he will come, I am not perfect and refuse to act like someone I am not. I am an emotional woman who wants love as i give it. Blessings in disguise, there is no rush on today, when tomorrow is never a promise 🙂 Thank you for listening!!



  199.  #199LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Daria – hm… I feel awful!
    I will ask him tomorrow, and i will be real… I guess I just acted tonight because I don’t feel safe enough to speak using my feelings yet…I’m too new at this so I was really hoping to get suggestions from you ladies before i saw him… I am really panicky at the moment and was afraid that if i had opened my mouth to ask I would have definitely killed him with words… And any chance of sorting things out in a decent way…
    In regards to her I have just sent an email asking a bit more info but like “really? He did write? I have no words! Did he say when is he going to fly there? Maybe you should see him and hear what he has to say…”
    How do I tell her I’d rather not talk to her anymore. Eventually I’ll have to do that if things with C go anywhere because it would be very dishonest communicating with her behind his back… I know that… I guess I just need direction… Please give me a heading because I have NO CLUE…
    I just know I am tired, sad, burdened, I’m feeling so bad, can’t believe he has such an effect on me… Not again…



  200.  #200Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    132: Lucy says:
    I feel a bit lost without my dating sites!

    Don’t worry I’ll get some fun guys. Don’t mind me much I’ve been with children all day. hahaha 😆

    xoxo
    slv



  201.  #201Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Little Doc # 182:

    Gosh, my heart feels u pain…I once was in your shoes…Yet, this is DRAMA girlfriend….:(

    STOP it all!!! Stop talking to his ex…stop looking through his phone…and even gfs who perpetuate the drama gossip…U don’t want that in u life…

    Try to “buy” time for yourself and don’t talk to him/or respond to him either for a day or so…(i found out the longer I stay quiet, the better I connect with myself…)

    In the meantime, connect with your feelings…write them down…make a long list if u can…

    For example, I feel angry…I feel mistrustful…I feel sad…etc…In the meantime, focus on yourself…what would make u feel good in that moment, that day, etc…Shift u thoughts from him, about him, to yourself…Notice yourself…notice mood changing…and why???

    These are babysteps indeed…Don’t be hard on yourself if u fail once, twice, 3 times, etc……get back to it…Try to purchase some or Rori’s programs…it would really help u…or at least the ebook….

    Then, work on a speech to him…

    But here, I feel confused about u situation…What is it that u want???? How do u feel about the relationship? Are u sexually exclusive? Any committment on the table? Is there a plan? etc…

    Anyway, here is short example of what I would say assuming u are in a “relationship” with him…and want to work it out…

    “Your ex has contacted me…I don’t like that…I feel hurt and disappointed…What do u think? Pause…long pause…let him answer…and let him be a man and fix the darn thing…learn to accept space in between…if he doesn’t answer…repeat the same speech…

    Well, it is a process…so much more to say…but, start with the ebook…stop being a participant in the drama…learn to “love” and “trust” yourself…

    We are here for u 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  202.  #202Daria on February 2, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Little Doc – sorry you feel bad 🙁 . Even though it may seem intense now, really every interaction with a man is just practice. 🙂

    He’s not really having an effect on you. He hasn’t even done anything and he’s completely out the loop.

    This was an interaction between you and a past woman in his life, a woman that is NOT your friend, you don’t trust her or have anything in common except that it seems you are currently interested in the same man – not a great friendship builder.

    I would not take her calls or her e-mails without saying anything to her about it. It’s also possible to say… “I’m not feeling good about staying in touch at this time… take care”

    When you next are contacted by him…

    I would say

    “i feel awful… I feel scared to talk about this becuase it feels so weird and overwhelming… but I received a call from “EX GF” and she let me know that you wrote her that you would be planning to see her during your trip… I felt devastated… I don’t want to feel this way… what do you think?”

    and then let him reply and actually Listen to what he says.

    if after he talks you feel better say

    “thank you i feel better”

    if not, then say

    “oh im still feeling bad”

    if you don’t trust him say

    “im feeling mistrustful and i don’t want to feel that way with you… what do you think?”

    ************

    Remember your relationship is with HIM. That means believing him and trusting yourself that you will be ok. If you are not able to feel safe with him, then there is no relationship. You move away from that.

    Relationship with HIM means that you are completely honest with how you feel, and you BELIEVE what he tells you.



  203.  #203Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Daria #192:

    I feel happy…I am catching up with my mentor…:) Wow…lol

    Warm hugs and I miss u 🙂



  204.  #204Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    @130: Lisi says:
    I read the list. It’s cute but — surprise, surprise there are lots of “EDs” in it. Do the people who made the list know how to read and write Or did the miss the “EDs?” However, I love the “discombobulated” emotion. Tt kind of says it all and I confess to feeling that way sometimesl.

    Tonight I feel skeptical and steampunk. Later I’m sure I’ll feel literary.

    xoxo
    SLV



  205.  #205Daria on February 2, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Thanks Ella! I feel happy hearing that you feel happy!

    I am feeling pretty good. I asked my dad to get me a tire for my bike tonight and he will. also i had a positive experience with my mom. She’s really been responding well lately when i allow my feelings of sadness to show – rather than paste on happy as i did most of my childhood and adolescence.

    I have a CD in 45 min. He’s NOT my type, interview style talker.

    I feel curious to see how I feel with him and what tools I can practice!

    I really like my “Oshun” tool for sexyiness which is that when I am walking talking, or generally jsut want to be feminine, I put my attention on the curve of my buttocks. I visualize it and also try to “feel” the curve.

    🙂

    yay!

    also I got some good practice with a CD yesterday who saw me walking down the street and watned to “start something with me” and i said “i feel open, but it’s going to have to be a little at a time 🙂 ”

    go Goddess ME!

    yesterday WeekendMan contacted me to make-up , but I was still feeling upset at him

    he was Consciously STepping up becuase I toild him I don’t want a man who runs away

    haha

    how cute

    i feel better now but yesterday I was still feeling mad

    we’ll see what happens there



  206.  #206Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    @169: T-Girl says:
    A thought recently occured to me – do you think there are men out there reading a “Rori” type of website on how to attract or keep their women, telling them that not calling or texting drives women crazy and makes them want you more? LOL

    Yes,,,, don’t you subscribe to those newsletters???

    I sure do!

    xoxo
    SLV



  207.  #207LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    #201 & 202
    Darling Ella and Daria – thank you girls…
    I’ll do that, I’ll think things through, I’ll work with my feelings and I hope to God to find the courage to talk to him tomorrow in the most honest way possible.
    When we last talked I told him I would always make the conscious choice of believing and trusting him so I will do that, I promised and he deserves that chance… But I deserves to be happy too so I need to sort this out… Thank you for looking after me… It’s going to be really hard…but I can do it…



  208.  #208Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    @204 SLV —

    I did notice that. I had already left the comment about the “ed’s” before I went and looked up that list….

    One of my responses is this: “amused” can be “amusement.” A lot of the “ed’s” in the list can be used with a different form of the word.

    The point is that — when you say “I feel…..” and what follows is judged, blamed, or so on — you are labeling what you THINK (not feel) the OTHER person is DOING.

    You can’t get into the other person’s head and know if they’re blaming you, can you?

    And — more to the point — FM’s are about getting in touch with YOU. I feel judged does not get you in touch with the emotions flowing through your body.

    In such a situation, you might feel anxiety, sadness, fear, sorrow, rage etc…. But, you can’t actually FEEL the feeling of judged. That’s a perception, not a feeling.

    When you get right down to it — it takes a lot of work to become accustomed to feeling your feelings and knowing what they are.

    So — I felt amused that you noticed, SLV. I looked at that list after I’d posted & thought — someone’s going to call me out on this.

    And you did.

    🙂



  209.  #209Dorothea on February 2, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    hi i just got my wisdom teeth out and it didn’t go very well

    then Rebound picked me up and i was feeling happy and high off nitrous, then i started crashing and i got upset with him and i became hysterical

    and then i started to bleed a LOT

    now i am in a lot of pain and only one tooth’s anesthesia has worn off and it’s going to get much worse and i want my mommy:(



  210.  #210Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    SLV —

    What guy advice gurus do you follow?



  211.  #211Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Little Doc:

    U are very welcome 🙂

    A very important thing I changed about me…is answering txts, calls, emails…

    If I feel moody and not in control…(confused, annoyed)…I don’t answer…Buying time to figure out myself it works big time…

    I always answer when I feel good…:) U want the vibe to be put to good use 🙂

    If I feel bad and yet, I am pressured…I respond via txt…saying, “I am feeling sad, disappointed, angry tonite/right now…I need space to feel better…I don’t like being pressured…etc”…These are the times u always use your boundaries…in a non-blaming way…yet, u maintain your authenticity 🙂

    And after, I always wait for them to contact me…I no longer follow up…:)

    Warm hugs,



  212.  #212LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    One more thing…. What if i feel like crying while i talk to him? This is most likely… The sadness I’m feeling is really swamping… 🙁



  213.  #213LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/1989help

    Addiction Cartoon – Dr Robert Lefever

    xxx



  214.  #214Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    LittleDoc —

    I cry.

    If I’m really emotional, crying happens.

    And, I talk anyway.

    It’s okay to cry.



  215.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    @lisii
    “..So — I felt amused that you noticed, SLV…”

    I hope you feel more than amusement… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  216.  #216Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    @210: Lisi says:
    “SLV –
    What guy advice gurus do you follow?..”

    The informative ones…

    xoxo
    SLV



  217.  #217Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Little Doc:

    U said “…I hope to God to find the courage to talk to him”…Hmm…I feel concern for u…because “finding courage”…means to me “u feel scared”…why do u feel scared? Working through u feelings will give u answers…I would never talk to a man because I feel scared (unless I am physical danger)…

    Do u feel scared about what he might say? That u might feel disappointed should u catch him in another web of lies???? and then u are afraid u would feel worse??? Gosh, i been there…

    So, the only way out…is by working on yourself so well (e.g., self-esteem boosting via CD, self dating, EFT techniques, etc) that u no longer feel scared to express your feelings and state your boundaries…:) You might still feel sad and disappointed …but u slowly, slowly get turn off…all together…

    Warm hugs,



  218.  #218Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Little Doc:

    Dont ever be afraid of crying as long as it feels natural…don’t be an actress though 🙁

    Men adore us when we are vulnerable…:)



  219.  #219Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    @tinque

    Hi, writing here because I know you will likely be on this thread. You are very welcome to the info about the free on-screen keyboard tool.

    There is also “voice recognition” software built into Vista for those times you’d rather talk than type. I’ve never bothered using it so I don’t know how well it compares to Dragon.

    xoxo
    SLV



  220.  #220Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    And, here’s the news for guys from Advice Guru #1 —

    This signals to the woman that you’re just
    like all the other guys who fall for her too
    fast… and can’t control themselves.

    Don’t do it. Lean back. Relax.

    There’s a much better way…



  221.  #221Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    SLV —

    You’re toying with me.

    Names?

    Who’s informative, in your opinion?



  222.  #222LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm


  223.  #223Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Brenda-

    I’m just genuinely curious.. 22 years communicating with men in prison. What is it that attracts you to that?

    It almost like a love metaphor in that…

    I imagine it feels very safe.. for the heart to explore with them being behind bars. It’s like no one could hurt you.. depending on how long they are “locked up” for.

    Do the realtionships continue long after they get out?

    I have my “imaginary relationships” too and I realize it’s safe for the heart to feel with out being in fear but, I’m trying to past that.

    I decided to take a “rest” from online dating. Only temporary.. but, I just want to look into maybe a different site or something like a match maker with “it’s just lunch” ..



  224.  #224LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm


  225.  #225Senior Lady Vibe on February 2, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    @221: Lisi

    You’re teasing.

    SLV



  226.  #226Simply Shannon on February 2, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Plum, OMG! Loved that ding dang in the wing wang video! So true. Gots me a new theme song. Hahahahahaha!

    We don’t have to take our clothes off…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID_N7rv-iN8

    😀



  227.  #227LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    #214
    Lisi – thank you, I guess that’s just what I may end up doing…

    #217
    Darling Ella – yes, i am feeling so scared because I am re-living all the pain I already went through twice before. I am not afraid of what I am feeling but of not being able to portray what I am feeling in a why that will do me justice.
    If he has lied again he deserves whatever he will get, if he hasn’t he will have to start dealing with my feeling as it never happened before…

    It’s so hard but liberating as well… I’ll let you know how it goes… But thanks so much for your support ladies, I’m not in a place yet where I could do this on my own…



  228.  #228Darling Ella on February 2, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Dorothea:

    Hope u feel better in no time…Get some Patron 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  229.  #229Dorothea on February 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    i can’t smoke (sucking in causes dry socket horror) but rebound is gonna bake his car full of weed so i can breathe in the vapors of wellness and pain relief

    thank you, medical cannabis. so glad we have this here in our state so i dont have to take lots of habit forming pain pills to cope with the tremendous pain

    my dentist said i metabolize anesthesia in half the time of most people. how lovely. so i can have half a beer and feel drunk but i need 2x as much anesthesia?? thanks, god, really funny.



  230.  #230LittleDoc on February 2, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Feel better soon Dorothea!
    At least you have some sort of “weedy” way out of the pain…
    Tons of people in Europe where I live would love to be in your shoes!
    Jokes aside, good luck and big hugs
    X



  231.  #231Pamelala on February 2, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Just sharing some fun news – I have a new CD…my first since Rori. He lives 75 miles away and is 15 years older, but so far, he’s sweet. Yay! Boy, CDing sure helps with the obsessive thoughts about P.



  232.  #232Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Dorothea–

    I do my best energy work on weed. You can literally feel where the emotions & blockages are in your body.

    It’s also AMAZING for spiritual sex.

    I’ve used for pain control, but don’t need that anymore…

    Enjoy



  233.  #233Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Lone Plum-

    I liked the addiction videos from the Dr. at Promises~!! Thanks



  234.  #234Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Addictive Relationships – makes alot of sense about leaning forward..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x48qlq4v3x0



  235.  #235Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    You cant relapse unless your in recovery…

    I loved that line! I liked knowing the feelings that teeter are normal..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxLbiaKj4dc



  236.  #236Tmizz on February 2, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    I do want to be here!

    And I also watch “House.” Taub totally asked for a divorce. What a guy…Anyhoo.

    I’m supposed to have a third date with a CD tomorrow. This is restaurant guy, btw. Yes, he came back (I tried to tell him no 😉 ). Yes, he seems excited and enthusiastic to see me. He apologized, by email and in person, for what he did, and also went on to say that what I’d said to him really made him think and reconsider his decision about what to do on dates (re: paying the bill). So that was pretty awesome!!

    Trouble is, I’m a little uncomfortable about seeing him tomorrow, and I’m not sure what to do. An issue came up in conversation, and I emailed him about something that happened to me, and I got back a really angry and defensive-sounding email. It totally turned me off, and made me feel scared and afraid. It made me think that I don’t want to be around him if he can get so angry over minor questions and concerns that I have about my body (this was about an illness, I don’t want to go into details). It was really scary.

    I’m just on the fence right now about whether I should write back and tell him I’m not feeling up to the date tomorrow, or whether I should just go through with it – sometimes I have a tendency to back out of things for no good reason. But I also want to give my “gut” a fair shake, and maybe pay attention to it. But right now, I think my vision is clouded by several factors, like, for example how clearly and deeply attracted to me he is. It feels so good, after going out several times with a man who wanted to be with me, but who didn’t display it in a very overt fashion. And I just realized that now I’m also afraid of him being angry with me for canceling a date, and his anger is what scares me in the first place. How ironic is that? But I guess if that’s true, then I don’t really need to be afraid.

    What I really think I need is more dates with different guys! But I’m enjoying the ride…

    Just writing this out has helped me organize my thoughts more, but any input would be appreciated!



  237.  #237Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #122 – I live in Pennsylvania.



  238.  #238Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Lisi,

    RE: #232 – You said, “(Weed) is also AMAZING for spiritual sex.”

    I can verify that! 😆



  239.  #239Lisi on February 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Go, BRENDA!



  240.  #240Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: #223 – You asked, “I’m just genuinely curious.. 22 years communicating with men in prison. What is it that attracts you to that?”

    When I started at age 25, I was unconscious of my reasons. I started looking for a woman to correspond with, to just bring some joy into someone’s life. My original intention wasn’t romance at all. But I felt drawn to a man, Arnold, who was just starting a 10 year sentence. His message struck me with sincerity and desperation.

    He became my first boyfriend. Thru that relationship, I became consciously aware that, yes, I feared intimacy, and it felt safe. Arnold himself pointed that out to me after several years. I was very emotionally damaged and shy at that time.

    I had a steady string of penpals from there, some boyfriends and some just penpals.

    My second boyfriend was Scott, and I moved to AZ to be with him 1.5 years after his release. The relationship went poof ten days after I arrived.

    Jim was in and out of prison, mostly out, during the 1.5 years I wasted on him, the alcoholic, drug addict bum.

    Then Kenny in 2000. I married him in prison in 2003 and divorced him in 2006. We are still friends, and he is still in prison. I have never known him outside of prison.

    During that time, my yearning and comfortableness with face-to-face intimacy grew. I was unbearably lonely. My first boyfriend in the free world was in 1993, and several in between the inmates after that.

    If I knew then what I know now, all of that would have been far different. In recalling all that, I feel like I am talking about someone else’s life, someone who was very lost and felt very low about herself.

    I feel thankful I am not that person anymore.



  241.  #241Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Hi Lisi!

    Gotta love the Ganja!



  242.  #242Maggie on February 2, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Hi Rori. First of all, I want to thank you so much.

    First the thank you: I did Commitment Blueprint a year and a half ago after a breakup for some clarity and it truly changed every aspect of my life. (I’m 30) The entire approach to feelings and self love was revolutionary. You’re truly gifted at communicating information that so many other sources simply present in a clinical way. I had heard that feelings were important. I thought I was so much better at them than other women, but I had never been called for the type of over functioning and control mongering that really sabotages a relationship. I revisited the program this year with a friend who had gone through a horrible affair with an older married man that had really left her in a horrible place for several years. She had been so down on men but when she started leaning back and using feeling messages, she started to have such success on dates that she really got excited about men for the first time in years. It made me remember a year later how well this stuff really works.

    So here’s my question: I’m now dating a guy from Match who I would have considered WAY out of my league two years ago before your program. (I just never realized how great I really was.) We’ve been dating for three months and I gave in to passion and slept with him after two without having had an monogamy conversation. He had been so attentive, talked about a future. I kept dating other people and my match activity showed that. What surprised me given how attentive he was was that he’s been staying active on match too. It was as though we went straight to the CD part of the relationship but I feel it’s too early to ask him to stop seeing other people and commit to marriage otherwise I’ll continue to date other people. But it’s just a wierd transition. Right now, we both know the other’s still active and though we’re very tender, demonstrative and emotional with each other (we’ve agreed that we both feel “Happy and a little scared” about the great energy, I feel there are moments when we’re not connecting and I feel those moments are because of a conversation that hasn’t happened that I’ve been too chicken to initiate about the fact that we’re still both going on dates with other people. I’ve even felt myself being closed off, flipant or initiating sex once or twice when he’s tried to just create a juicy intimate moment between us in which I COULD have brought up the topic in a super-safe scenario. He’s even said that he’s scared that I don’t like him as much as he likes me, but that’s NOT an agreement to stop seeing other women and I can feel him starting to pull away in response to this tension remaining between us.

    Can you ladies help me with what to say?

    I feel like I need to stop sex with him for myself until this is sorted out. I want a gorgeous Happy Ever After with kids and love and support. I might be almost there (!!!) but I think I might be quietly intimidated by this guy because he’s so much better looking and successful than I used to think I deserved. I feel nervous around him and respond by being cool, cheerful, smart or flippant when I just want to melt in a pile of girliness at his feet half the time.

    THANK YOU ALL!



  243.  #243Buttery on February 2, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Hmm…I’m amused that Rori’s post is about men with addictions, as I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend might be addicted to pot…..he smokes it daily.

    And then I read some lovely sirens’ positive comments on weed use, which leads me to feel more accepting of him 🙂

    He’s 34 years old and he wants to have children with me, but I wonder how his pot use would affect his parenting….

    I’m not concerned about the legal aspects – here in Canada, personal cannabis use is de facto legal – but I’m worried that he might have a dependency on it. He smokes because he enjoys it and it helps him to relax, he doesn’t really need it for medicinal purposes,

    I am curious, pro-cannabis sirens, what do you think of a guy who smokes weed daily? How can I tell if it might be a problem?



  244.  #244Buttery on February 2, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Ooooh, Lisi and Brenda, I feel intrigued by your comments about weed and spiritual sex – could you tell me more about this?



  245.  #245Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Brenda-

    Maya Angelou once said to a reporter that asked her if she would go back and change anything..

    ” I was a woman in my time” meaning ofcourse if she knew now.. but she didnt and was very accepting of herself in that time. 🙂

    I feel great and hopeful at your gowth and trust a healthy relationship will find you.



  246.  #246Alicia on February 2, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Maggie..

    I would just be vulnerable and say you feel scared to have this convo and how good you feel with him but, also feel confused at continuing a sexual relationship with someone who you are not in a monogomas relatioship with..

    Even if he decided to be exclusive or monogamos, I’m pretty sure if it’s a ring you want. Rori would tell you to keep on dating. And maybe just be sexually exclusive with him. All though I feel for ya, if you have to see him active on line.. That would bring out the Rock Star in ya..

    Also, Did I read right that you haven’t typically been one to overfunction or sabatoge?

    Then I went on to read that you intiated sex, were closed off and flipant?

    That felt like a oxymoron.. no biggie. The key is just strong surrender..



  247.  #247Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Buttery,

    RE: #243 – “I am curious, pro-cannabis sirens, what do you think of a guy who smokes weed daily? How can I tell if it might be a problem?”

    I was once attracted to a handsome, successful man who smoked pot every day. He had gone from rags and prison to owning his own home, having a steady job framing houses, having $75,000 worth of credit card limits,and raising his 12 year old son by himself.

    Just as I was convinced that he was a living example of how pot is not harmful, he told me he wanted to stop smoking it. He said it made him apathetic.

    I read on the blog a couple days ago that it made other sirens or people they knew apathetic and sometimes overly sensitive, as in easily annoyed and offended.

    If I had a man who smoked it, those are the issues for which I would look.



  248.  #248Brenda on February 2, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Alicia,

    Thanks!



  249.  #249LonePlum on February 2, 2011 at 11:03 pm


  250.  #250Buttery on February 2, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    thanks brenda…
    hmmm….. apathetic and over sensitive…i will keep that in mind.



  251.  #251Daria on February 2, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Securityman has resurfaced – a soft “can I still see you?”

    me: “yes”

    him: “hehe Yes”

    ***

    interview date guy drove 2 hours to see me after first finding me online today –

    he turned into HANDSOME, prosperous, fun to talk to, CD when i met him

    i feel so glad i decided to meet him even though i felt so bored with him over the phone

    wow!

    thank you for the lovely surprise!

    he even kissed me besides being a total gentleman

    wow!

    ****

    i kinda felt out of it to respond to Securityman’s text after i got back

    must be why i havent really heard from him after i did answer the text

    ***

    ohhh 2hour CD has claimed my time for tomorrow nite – movie – Friends with Benefits

    and

    for the day after – Friday, dancing

    WOW!



  252.  #252Brenda on February 3, 2011 at 1:11 am

    Daria,

    Hey, that’s awesome! Glad to hear your good news!



  253.  #253archerie on February 3, 2011 at 3:15 am

    Well done Daria!

    I am happy you are happy , the vibe is attractive 🙂

    My own online presence is attracting zilch . Smaller pond here and I notice the same old guys with same old pics still online , some I remember from 5 years ago , I am sure!

    My profile says part of the way down the page i am looking for a happy ever after via friends first… Is this off putting do you think??



  254.  #254archerie on February 3, 2011 at 3:41 am

    Jen ,

    I missed your posts , but yes you are getting it now.

    He could do lots of things , treat you in many different ways , and BE something else , but he WONT.
    He WILL not, that means that he does not WANT to.
    He is doing what he wants to.

    Its sad that you dont get what you want , ie love acknowldgement and care , from him. But its wonderful that you are not getting ongoing unreliability, ongoing emotional shut off, ongoing difficulty and family stress from him and the rels.

    I am so glad you are stepping into your power as per Rori -this post could have been written for your situation..

    “And remember – this is your MEANING you’re giving to his behavior. To him – this is not betrayal. It makes you FEEL bad, but he’s not trying to hurt you. It’s not deliberate hurt. It’s just the way he “rolls.”

    Instead of turning your fury on him because he isn’t and won’t be the way you want him to be – and under your control – your job is to get out there and find other men who don’t have these issues that make you feel bad. ”

    Its time you shouted “Next!!!! “



  255.  #255LittleDoc on February 3, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Hello sirens!
    Just wanted to share with you that i feel very happy today… I just found out that i passed all of my exams at med-school for the past semester and am glowing!!!
    Today talking to C is going to be very hard but at least I was gifted with these news today so that little happiness vibe that will vibrate within me will coe through as real!
    Thank you all for your support!!!
    Will let you know how it goes!!! :-))



  256.  #256Andi on February 3, 2011 at 5:52 am

    194: Lisi says:
    Andi –

    Read #96 by Femininewoman.

    That’s what Daria was quoting.

    ***

    Thanks! Sometimes it’s hard to keep up.

    Also thank you Daria for reposting!



  257.  #257Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:06 am

    RE 255 LittleDoc congratulations. May I suggest that when talking to him if he contacts you that you try to focus on how you felt when preparing for the exams, how you felt after the writing the exams and how exhilarated and proud you now feel about yourself and your life. This to me is a great springboard to sahre yourself and the exciting things that are happening in your self. If he in turn starts to share about his life I would look for an opportunity to say “tell me more” to show him I am interested in him as a human being. I feel it is very important for you to steer clear of the relationship talk unless he brings it up. The exams are a great springboard to share your feelings about what’s happening in your life. This will give you practice to be authentic and vulnerable in an area that is not so scary.

    Were you scared going into the exams? Where you apprehensive about the results? These are questions I would explore expanding scripts about for talking to him. I might also be advisable to write them here so other sirens can help you tweak them.



  258.  #258Andi on February 3, 2011 at 6:12 am

    73: Eternity says:
    Found out a friend I haven’t seen in about 12m is using the same dating site as I am! We are comparing notes and fellas. I’m feeling so much better about this, not so alone, and great about reconnecting with an old friend.

    ***

    Eternity, I am so glad for you! It really does make a difference!



  259.  #259Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 6:15 am

    @Alicia

    Re: Maya Angelou

    ”…I was a woman in my time” meaning of course if she knew now.. but she didnt and was very accepting of herself in that time…”

    Do you know the context of this phrase? When reading it by itself it I don’t have the same understanding of it as you do. The phrase by itself I would not interpret that way.

    With nothing else to go on, my sense of it is that she acted as circumstances permitted; however, that would usually be expressed as “I was a woman of my time…”

    I like Maya Angelou. I’d like to read the whole thing or a little more of it if you have it. Just curious.

    xoxo
    SLV



  260.  #260Andi on February 3, 2011 at 6:15 am

    I am trying to connect/re-connect with as many people to create more positive experiences so I won’t fas possible to not feel so isolated right now. (I became very isolated during my long distance realtionship – ironic) It feels really good!



  261.  #261Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 6:22 am

    @255: LittleDoc says:
    “.. I just found out that i passed all of my exams at med-school for the past semester and am glowing!!!…”

    Congratulations! This is a big achievement.

    xoxo
    SLV



  262.  #262Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:28 am

    RE 242 Maggie I feel like you are shooting yourself in the foot here. I feel you are doing mostly great just that it sounds like your self-esteem needs a bit of a help. You are gorgeous, you are a prize, he would be lucky to get you because of all the work you are doing on yourself. I would look at building my self-esteem by looking in the mirror and telling myself I am irresistible and I am worthy. He needs to feel that you feel that way about yourself for him to feel that way about you. IMHO he needs to hear I know any man who gets me is lucky and I am now in a place where I want to stop casual dating, and move my life forward. I am girl and I tend to want more as time goes on. In other words I feel it is now time for the no girlfriend speech. The other ladies here might be better at suggesting how to say it. Being at the 3 month mark it seems like a great place to pull away some of the attention you have been giving him to frustrate him and build some tension to get him to start talking about commitment.

    “I feel those moments are because of a conversation that hasn’t happened that I’ve been too chicken to initiate about the fact that we’re still both going on dates with other people.” I would hazard a guys that he feels this too why he might be talking about the future and initiating intimate moments. IMHO those are your queues to bring up the topic. Maybe ask about how he views his life in the future, what his dreams are what his fantasies are. Hopefully this will nudge him to ask the same of you and in that context you could share what you feel you want in your future including the fact that you are ready and open for “a relationship with a man who will …………….” No pressure, asking him for it with him just your dream for your life in 1 year, two year whatever your limit is; just that you have to remember that this is also boundary setting and you will have to stick with it. It feels like you are in a great place where radical honesty would work well for you and give him an idea about what you want. Remember he cannot read your mind.



  263.  #263Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Advice from David Wygant
    Men and women are wired very differently. It was the fact that she even wondered about this, though, that led me to see that FOR WOMEN TO
    CHANGE THEIR DATING LIVES THEY NEED TO START THINKING LIKE A MAN.

    Here are 5 reasons why all of you women out there NEED to start thinking like a man in your dating life:

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    REASON #1:
    MEN ARE NOT WIRED LIKE WOMEN
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    We don’t think about every little, tiny thing. If our elbow itches, we itch it. If you we have to blow our nose, we blow it. We don’t wonder why our elbow itches. Men don’t make these things any more complicated than that.

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    REASON #2:
    MEN DON’T SEARCH FOR THE “WHY” IN EVERYTHING
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    Men don’t need to find the deeper meaning (or assume there is any deeper meaning) in everything.
    Women have to find out the “why” for everything they do and everything that happens to them.

    “Why does this guy like me? What does this mean?”

    Here’s the truth of the matter…

    It doesn’t mean anything!! You have to think like a man!

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    REASON #3:
    TO MEET MEN, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO “SPEAK MAN.”
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    If you are attracted to a man, smile at him and stare at him.
    Speak man!

    To “speak man” means that you need to be obvious. We need you to be
    obvious.

    If you’re obvious, we’ll walk over like a puppy dog. We don’t want
    to sit there, thinking and wondering all night long what your casual
    two second glance means.

    We WANT you to smile at us and talk to us.

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    REASON #4:
    MEN AREN’T THINKING WHAT YOU THINK THEY ARE
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    Stop trying to anticipate a man’s reaction to you based upon how you as a woman thinks. Women so often assume that men are thinking certain ways about how women behave, and women so often are so WRONG! If you look at us, we are not thinking that you’re easy. All we are thinking is that you are looking at us.

    Really, that’s all!

    We are, in fact, so glad that you’re being obvious enough for us to get it that we almost want to high-five you!

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    REASON #5:
    TO MEET MEN, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR ENERGY.
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    This secret is a biggie … so pay attention!

    if you want to meet men you need to wake up! What I mean is that you not only need to start thinking like a man, but you also need to change how you interact with men based on this knowledge.

    So, start staring and be obvious!! You’ll have more men coming over than you’ll ever want to date.

    If you continue to be coy, you won’t get the boy. If you’re tired of staying home alone on Saturday nights, then you need to realize that nothing is going to change until you change your energy.

    OK … I know this has been a TON of info, but I need to ask you
    one last question…and be honest with yourself here…

    When is the last time you saw a man to whom you were attracted,
    and you took a risk by smiling at him and got him to come over with
    the powers of your femininity?

    If it’s been longer than a week, then you’re not doing it right.

    If a man doesn’t approach you and talk to you, it is because you either didn’t know how to bring the man over or you didn’t do anything to get him to approach you.

    Start taking responsibility for your own dating life, and you’ll start improving it immediately!



  264.  #264Andi on February 3, 2011 at 6:38 am

    from the article mentioned above: “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    ***

    WTF. Ouch. This makes me sad and scared. 🙁

    FeminineWoman, wondering, is there more to this article? Still find the frustration part interesting. Thanks!



  265.  #265Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:49 am

    RE 236 Tmizz “I’m just on the fence right now about whether I should write back and tell him I’m not feeling up to the date tomorrow, or whether I should just go through with it – sometimes I have a tendency to back out of things for no good reason”

    You are entitled to change your mind, it is your life and your choices to make. If he gets mad so what? At the same time healing yourself includes exposing yourself to what triggers you, however I hasten to say if you feel he is capable of physically harming you you might really want to rethink? Can you identify clearly what it is you are uneasy about?

    “It feels so good, after going out several times with a man who wanted to be with me, but who didn’t display it in a very overt fashion.” Do you feel good about him wantign to be with you or about his behavior this is not clear. If you want overt displays or public displays of affection that he is not doing, it sounds to me like controlling the outcome. Maybe it is not something he does but something you need and someone else might be able to give it to you?



  266.  #266Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:50 am

    RE 264 Will check if you let me know which comment you are refering to, though I doubt it.



  267.  #267Been There, Done That on February 3, 2011 at 6:51 am

    A lot of this advice is JUST WRONG. Not cook dinner? Not pamper him? That is exactly why men become addicted to you, they love the attention!

    If I stopped doing this my man would think there was something wrong.

    It’s very bad advice. If your man likes to have dinner etc why would you deprive him?



  268.  #268Andi on February 3, 2011 at 6:51 am

    Request for Siren input…

    This guy is emailing me back and forth. He said he wanted to have some fun with me (flirting) so I asked what he meant, this is what I got back. The first date with him we met for drinks at a bar…it was ehhh…and he seems to be the type who wants me to pick what we do…don’t like it. Here is the last thing he said:

    “hahah you are testing me right.. what do you miss the most honestly.. I miss companionship, romance and passion.. what about you..”

    ????? I have no idea of how to respond. I can be the email flirt queen. But don’t know how to handle this one. Makes me scratch my head. I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion, how do I get him to show it? Without telling him.



  269.  #269Amy on February 3, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Hi ladies,

    I am feeling sad today….and the reason is so stupid, but it is still how I feel. The guy I have been reconnecting with has step-up so much since I gave him the ‘no girlfriend” speech a few weeks ago. It has been amazing and has made me feel so loved and appreciated (which I have let him know). However, this week I feel as if we have slowed down a little… he called on Monday to let me know something real quick, the other day to tell me to be careful driving home cuz of the weather. I texted him to tell him that he was so sweet to look out for me and that I would be. I then called him that night to make sure he got home ok…I still haven’t heard from him (it has only been one day, but still after the last few weeks, it feels like an eternity). I have been doing things taht make me happy and still have an open heart for when he does come back, but I am scared we are taking a step backwards. What should I do? Just hang back??



  270.  #270Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Re 264 Note however that this is all referring to the physical aspect suggesting physical attraction. Emotional attraction is also apparently necessary for him to fall in love with you. Reason for the feeling messages so he can get into his feelings and frustrating him with the leaning back no contact while you continue with circular dating and enjoying your life.



  271.  #271Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 6:56 am

    LittleDoc:

    Yay!!! Congratulations 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  272.  #272Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:02 am

    RE 269 “I then called him that night to make sure he got home ok”

    Amy IMHO is you leaning forward, letting him know he has reeled you in so he can relax his efforts a bit. Give him time to get it right, it is only one day. Also it is not stupid it is how you feel. Is your feelings letting you know that maybe you would like an everyday relationship him? Or at least a little every day to let you know he is thinking of you? If you don’t get this will you lean forward with a harsh demand taking away his options? We have to understand that we don’t always get what we want in life. It is okay to ask for it in a way that inspire other people to give it to us. We might think we are entitled to stuff but others might think differently. We always have to be willing to let go of the outcome, let go of control and be okay with getting no for an answer. If you need the everyday connection it might not be something he can do. However for right now IMHO there is no reason for creating any reasons around this. Sit back and let him enjoy the ride coming towards you. It will feel better that way.



  273.  #273Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 7:05 am

    @268: Andi says:
    “..I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion,…”

    His response sounded OK to me; I’d think I was being “tested” too if I were guy and woman asked me that! I’m wondering how the question came up on first date. Where you two comparing divorces or something like that?

    It might be me, it probably *is* me 😳 but I would feel weird on first date asking guy about lack of romance and passion in his life. How did it come up? Did he say he was feeling desperate? I have a sense there is some desperation here. I’ll be following along to see how this turns out! Good, I hope!
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  274.  #274Andi on February 3, 2011 at 7:13 am

    76: Nancy says:
    A 2nd potential CD called last night. It felt great talking with him. Today, he e-mailed saying he was wondering what I like to do for fun. I stewed, because I don’t want an e-mail relationship. I want real men in my real life. So finally, tonight I replied and said, “It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.” He called 15 minutes after I sent it and set a date for Sat. night. Success!

    ***

    Yay Nancy! That’s great!



  275.  #275Andi on February 3, 2011 at 7:18 am

    273: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @268: Andi says:
    “..I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion,…”

    ***

    Ooops, sorry, let me see if I can explain this better. That did not come up on the first meeting. We kind of just had small talk…it went kind of ehhhh.

    Two weeks later he emails me and says do you want to get together again. Then we start flirting back and forth, he says he wants to have some fun with me what would I like to do (it was flirting, not insulting) so I emailed him back and said no, what do you mean by fun, you pick! (Being playful.) And this is what he emailed me back. So I don’t know what to say



  276.  #276Andi on February 3, 2011 at 7:23 am

    SLV, he meant “tested” because there was a little bit of sexual innuendo when we were flirting back and forth, using the word “fun.” So when I said what kind of fun, what do you want to do, this is what he said back:

    “hahah you are testing me right.. what do you miss the most honestly.. I miss companionship, romance and passion.. what about you..”

    I wasn’t expecting this answer…

    He seems to be the kind of guy that wants me to pick the things we do…I don’t like it. And if he says he misses romance, I would like him to show me! By picking a romantic place to go or something for the next date.



  277.  #277Andi on February 3, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Hi FW, it waas this one:

    96: Femininewoman says:
    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.



  278.  #278Amy on February 3, 2011 at 7:27 am

    @272: Thank you femininewoman, you are so right! I don’t feel bad with leaning forward a little because that is just how I am… I follow suit to his actions. If he calls me alot, I don’t mind leaning forward a little, but if he doens’t call back then I lean back until he does. It feels like a good balance to me. But, again, you are right. It feels better to talk it out here and just sit back and be surprised of the outcome. Yay! 🙂

    Also, what does IMHO stand for? Sorry, I am slow… lol



  279.  #279Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:34 am

    RE 278 me too, In My Humble Opinion



  280.  #280Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Re 276 Andi remember all guys will say that but he also needs some tension and frustration to get into his real feelings for you. I guess it might also be okay to say “it would feel good to go bowling, or skating” to give an idea of the type of things you like. At least he would have options that he could pick from.



  281.  #281Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:38 am

    RE 276 Maybe he has no idea of what “romantic” is to you, it might have a different meaning for him.



  282.  #282Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:41 am

    RE 268 Andi he is asking you what do you miss. It seems if you don’t know what to respond, maybe you don’t yourself well? Is what I am sensing here. Am I wrong?



  283.  #283Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:46 am

    RE 267 Been There Done That it is because guys take us for granted when we settle into roles, it is human behavior. When we get taken for granted then we eventually get resentful and things start to unravel, I have seen it over and over again. Yes they love the attention and that is the reason why they settle into the “girlfriend for now” pattern until their wife shows up. The thing that would actually be “wrong” would be you giving him space to give to you and if he is a healthy great man he will want to give.

    One thing I have watched in the world between many couples is that when women just sit next to the guy, he leans over to her, massages her and hugs her. When we lean towards them they just suck it in.



  284.  #284Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 7:51 am

    RE 277 Andi there is no more but the answer in the article is “Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    Circular dating does this because at times if we are doing it right he will have to wait, he will feel our vibe and want it, he will know we think we are hot and want to have it all for himself.



  285.  #285Andi on February 3, 2011 at 7:58 am

    282: Femininewoman says:
    RE 268 Andi he is asking you what do you miss. It seems if you don’t know what to respond, maybe you don’t yourself well? Is what I am sensing here. Am I wrong?

    Hi, thank you for you responses. Well, yes I actually miss all of those things. (Companionship, romance, passion.) And that is what I was going to say back to him. But honestly especially on the first time we met for drinks at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out.



  286.  #286Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:05 am

    RE 285 Maybe for him romance means sex?? What does romance mean to you?



  287.  #287Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Good question! And I was wondering the same thing! People define those terms in very different ways. So it would interesting to ask him. Or, he can tell me in person! lol



  288.  #288Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:12 am

    RE 285 I am passionate about my children, seeing them excel in school and my work in helping people on my job calculate travel entitlements. I am passionate about changing the way my body looks so that I have commited to getting up at 4:00 a.m. in the mornings to work out before I leave for work. I am so passionate I work out for 2 hours on the weekends.

    Sometimes I think we forget that mostly guys go to bars to pick up chicks and to get laid. Sorry to be so blunt, but these are always the types who really want to settle yet. Guys can be found in supermarkets around 7 p.m. if they are single and looking for dinner. Guys can be found in the gym or at the swimming pool. Sorry but when in a bar with a guy who talks to me about passion, maybe I am wrong but I think he means only one thing.



  289.  #289Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:15 am

    RE 285 Andi do you think if it was about you, if you were focussed on how you were feeling around him, asking why am I here, you would be trying to figure him out? They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen. Many times boring or grumpy?!!



  290.  #290Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:16 am

    FW,

    This guy is different, I met him on an online site, I think he is a quality dating candidate or I wouldn’t be pursuing anything with him…we have been in dialog back and forth for a while…the bar for a drink was really the first meet and greet to see if we were interested…sorry for the confusion!

    Wow! You get up at 4:00AM, that is admirable!



  291.  #291Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:19 am

    289: Femininewoman says:
    RE 285 Andi do you think if it was about you, if you were focussed on how you were feeling around him, asking why am I here, you would be trying to figure him out?

    ***

    Also a very good point! I found him rather boring, no spark. But to give the benefit of the doubt it was our first meeting, pretty brief, and I am new to this online dating thing…and for some reason I still feel some attraction toward him. But it is like he is nibbling, not much masculine energy, and I am wanting to see if he will step it up and maybe show more of himself.



  292.  #292Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:20 am

    RE 290 ” I wouldn’t be pursuing anything with him”

    Andi in my humble opinion this should be flipped in your head, he should be pursuing you. It seems you are in his head trying to figure out what he is about. I learnt from Loneplum that is like emotional rape. “It would feel good if he was pursuing me” so I will just lean back see what he “does”, chose my words and be surprised. I feel too much psychic energy going out. Don’t get me wrong I go there too, I am just getting you to focus a little here.



  293.  #293Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:21 am

    FW,

    Do you really believe this is so?

    “They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen.”

    Very interesting…still learning because I have never really had many first dates til now!



  294.  #294Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:24 am

    You are right, at soon as I wrote the word
    “pursuing” I started questioning if it was the right word.

    I should have said allowed…

    I have always leaned back with this guy…I have always just responded to him…but he is really a nibbler compared to the other men who have more actively pursued me. I don’t pursue! That is the one thing I have trying to do now that I have learned here.



  295.  #295Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:27 am

    RE 293 I have had the experience that is so. They will tell you I am not looking for commitment, I am dating two other people etc. I have heard one coach say find a way in a playful to ask “so why aren’t you married” on the first date or very early on and you will be surprised that they do answer you. They all think they are good guys and they have a code of honor that they will not break, they will tell you. It is up to you if you want to accept them, after that it will be very hard to get the truth out of them. I have heard interviews with relationship experts say people on their first date see their future husband drink a whole bottle of vodka but they ignored the signs until after marriage when it hits them that the guy is an alcoholic. So now I relax lean back and let him do as much talking as he wants to play his hand so I know what he is bringing to the table. They will be honest up front, they have nothing to hide as they are not yet invested.



  296.  #296Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:29 am

    I think my issue is, I lean back, and he just nibbles. I am frustrated with his lack of pursuit. Like, why is he even talking to me? When is he going to do something. And honestly, there are others that are pursuing me that I have more interest in.

    I am realizing now that this whatever it is with him is not effortless like Rori says it should be!

    Just new to all this and trying to figure out all the arrow that are coming toward me.



  297.  #297Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Being a nibbler is not exactly bad. He might be afraid, he might be taking his time to get to know you before he totally opens up. People tend to take up to six months to show you who they really are anyway. What happens when the ones who pursue you hard in the beginning eventually cools down?

    On the flip side are you being totally open and vulnerable with him or are you playing it safe? Remember if he is experienced he will reflect this back to you in being safe also. Remember guys have a lot of experience with women because they date a lot unlike us. They know what to expect with women, most of the times.



  298.  #298Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:32 am

    boy my typos are bad today! lol



  299.  #299Lorelei on February 3, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Hi everyone

    Random question: is is leaning forward for Sirens to send Valentine’s Day cards?

    Obviously, we would feel very happy to receive cards, flowers, chocolates, dinners etc etc . .

    But what about sending cards, anonymously?



  300.  #300Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I am probably playing it safe.



  301.  #301Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:38 am

    FW, since we are talking about first dates…the best one I have had so far is the one that kept bringing back the focus on me, because he was interested in me. Very genuine. Very much a gentleman in all respects. But it turns out he is also now pursuing me hard, very aggressive, so I do worry that he may turn cold, and what his deal is, just like you said.

    Yikes I think too much!

    Thank you for talking through all this with me!



  302.  #302Andi on February 3, 2011 at 8:42 am

    I wish I could just enjoy the process more and not worry so much…



  303.  #303Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 8:49 am

    So, I ran into Failure to Follow Up Guy @ work. We had one date. He emailed & said,maybe let’s do it again. Then no response.

    I smiled, nodded & continued what I was doing. He looked like a deer in the head lights.

    I got “it’s not you, it’s me” email. Says he’s still all messed up about his divorce & gonna stop dating. But he’s put recent profiles on every dating site I know of, & they proudly display this guy’s been on in the paast 24 hrs.

    I kinda wanna make fun of him. Maybe that’s a defense pattern on my part. But how stupid can you be? Really?



  304.  #304Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Gosh, I have been reading Christian Carters’ newsletters for over a month now…and I sincerely feel frustrated…He goes in circles…is like saying something without ever making a point…:( While I understand the marketing strategy to get us to purchase his products to find out the whole “thing”, still…can u get to the point?

    Rori’s letters are simple and to the point…There are always tools and examples I can relate and use whether or not I purchase the program…

    Hmm…I feel triggered…I feel annoyed…



  305.  #305marina on February 3, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Addiction, woo, well hello, I am an addict too!
    I am addicted to life!

    And to this website, FB, climbing, chocolate, sex, BF4, staying up late, looping on my NV’s, climbing…
    What if you are addicted to healthy things???

    Anthony Robbins and Cloe Madanes say that all human beings have 6 human needs:
    the need for:
    Love and Connection
    Significance
    Certainty
    Uncertainty
    Growth
    Contribution

    If anything meets at least 3 of these needs (esp the first 4), we are hooked!



  306.  #306marina on February 3, 2011 at 9:06 am

    @ Darling Ella, I so totally agree with you!
    I feel the same….
    And I have some of CC’s products. I think he uses way too much blahblah to get his message through.
    Not my cup of tea.



  307.  #307Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 9:07 am

    @Andi
    “…at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out…”

    I inferred he was “missing” those things… Does he think you are too? As I mentioned…is there a note of desperation in him? Such as his former partner ran off with his best friend… or he assumes all women on dating sites are “missing” companionship, romance, passion…? Sounds kind of low energy to me, of course I was not there…and maybe he’s a real “up” kind of guy…

    I don’t have a partner but I have companionship, romance and passion in my life and I would find it kind of lacking if a new guy I met somehow assumed I did not, mainly because he hadn’t I would think.

    xoxo
    SLV



  308.  #308Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 9:10 am

    RE 299 Lorelei what jumped to my mind was why would you want to do that? What does it achieve by sending it anonymously? Taking into consideration the “giving back” thought I feel it would be leaning forward if not in a relationship. If it is only dating I don’t. Do you like receiving gifts/cards? I prefer spending time with the person and being hugged. Point is if in a relationship I would prefer to ask the person what they would like rather than choosing to give them what I think they want.



  309.  #309Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Marina #306

    I feel relieved that I am not the only one 🙂 I love the “blah, blah…blah” part 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  310.  #310Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 9:14 am

    @FW says:

    “…I am passionate about changing the way my body looks so that I have commited to getting up at 4:00 a.m. in the mornings to work out before I leave for work. I am so passionate I work out for 2 hours on the weekends….”

    I thought I was passionate! You’ll have to loan me some of that! Truly. I passed by full-length mirror yesterday and I was looking kind of chub… ‘who is that woman’ kind of chub…LOL :lolL

    xoxo
    SLV



  311.  #311Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 9:15 am

    RE 304 Darling Ella you are right “There are always tools and examples I can relate and use whether or not I purchase the program”. This is what I prefer about Rori also. However, I have been reading CC for over a year now. As time goes along he adds stuff, examples, recommendations to the same emails and gives great tidbits about what to do. Yes he uses a lot of blah blah because we as women are notorious for wanting to solve mysteries. I have learnt a lot from him though because he does eventually get to the meat of the matter.



  312.  #312Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 9:19 am

    RE 310 SLV even with that I still feel I am hot. I was skinny as a whip in my younger days but compared to others my age, I am hot. Ahh I love that!!!



  313.  #313Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 9:21 am

    @289: Femininewoman says:
    “…They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen…”

    Absolutely in first three dates; they will say the actual words but they might be said casually in response to something else. If you had a little recorder and played back the words a couple of months later, you would be surprised, it’s all there!!!

    xoxo
    SLV



  314.  #314Brenda on February 3, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Been There, Done That,

    Re: #267 – Cute name! 🙂 When we cook for a man and pamper him, we are being a wife before we are a wife. When I marry, I am going to pamper my man so much he won’t know what hit him!

    But until then, the idea is to up our degree of difficulty and let him work for it to win us. Otherwise he will tend to take us for granted. Daria or Rori could probably explain it better, but that is my understanding.

    The reason i buy what they say is because when I was dating Ryan for 10 months, before I started listening to Rori’s programs, I pampered and cooked for Ryan. And the long term effect was that he got in the habit of being served, and he rarely served me. I rubbed his back for long periods of time, and he rarely rubbed my back. It felt very one way and I felt neglected.

    I am learning from Rori how to value myself and how to set healthy boundaries to only let a man in my life if he values me, too.

    What do you think?



  315.  #315Andi on February 3, 2011 at 9:22 am

    307: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @Andi
    “…at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out…”

    I inferred he was “missing” those things… Does he think you are too? As I mentioned…is there a note of desperation in him? Such as his former partner ran off with his best friend… or he assumes all women on dating sites are “missing” companionship, romance, passion…? Sounds kind of low energy to me, of course I was not there…and maybe he’s a real “up” kind of guy…

    I don’t have a partner but I have companionship, romance and passion in my life and I would find it kind of lacking if a new guy I met somehow assumed I did not, mainly because he hadn’t I would think.

    xoxo
    SLV

    ***

    No desperation, just low energy I think.

    Actually he did talk about his ex some, that he still has the caretaking feelings come up when he is around her sometimes(like I used to take care of her and I find myself still wanting to do it…)

    Honestly, I think this guy wants sex. But he is still trying to be a “good” guy and say the right things.



  316.  #316Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 9:31 am

    @299: Lorelei says:

    Hi Lorelei, it looks like I’ll be sending a Valentine’s Day “valentine” anonymously to myself…. LOL 😆

    And a couple chocolate truffles or chocolate dipped strawberries too…

    Also I’m kinda thinking about making a “Valentine” tree and using my “Christmas” tree lights because I love those so much. I’ve never done it before but just came up with the idea this morning when I went outside and had a moment of regret walking through the gardens. The snow was still beautiful but nothing like the way it looked when all the Christmas lights etc where there.

    xoxo
    SLV



  317.  #317Pamelala on February 3, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Andi, I haven’t read all of the responses to your questin about responding to the guy who misses companionship, romance and passion. However, in my experience with an ex all of those can be interpretted as sex. I believe he was attempting to take the flirtation to it’s logical conclusion. So, I believe he was baiting you into consenting to get together for some “fun.” You turned the question around and asked him what he wanted to do…when I read that, I interpretted it as a test as well, as in “is he going to step up and ask for what he wants?” To me, his response was close to what I was expecting. Bottom line…he’s horny. He doesn’t want to go to a romantic restaurant or pick a place. I think he wants an invite for a snuggle on the couch.

    This is all, obviously just guessing, but this guy sounds a lot like I guy I used to see who wouldn’t come out and say exactly what he was thinking, but as soon as the conversation turned flirtatious, he would use all kinds of euohamisms…he either wanted erotic texts, phone sex, or to come visit. It got old quickly…

    This is all IMHO – keep what fits, toss what doesn’t.
    Happy Thursday Sirens!



  318.  #318Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Femininewoman:

    Thank you for sharing your experience 🙂 “Yes he uses a lot of blah blah because we as women are notorious for wanting to solve mysteries.” LOL Yep, I relate to it at times…

    As I think of why his writing style triggers me…I realize one reason could be because it reminds of reading “tax law”…I deal with it on a daily basis…and as a result, I feel turned off and annoyed when something outside work reminds me of the frustrating part of my work…:)

    Warm hugs,



  319.  #319Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Darling Ella this is from Christian Carter and I think there is information in here not just blah blah

    Here’s something fascinating I’ve noticed. Tons of women do this one thing. And it must leave them feeling awful…I wonder if you do it, too?

    I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love. Ever felt this way?

    It happens when you don’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away.” Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away IF you don’t know how to communicate with a man in a way that gets him to listen to you and not hear what his fears want him to hear.

    The way you talk to a man about a relationship can turn out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

    I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

    I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man (and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general – man or woman).

    See, there’s a common pattern most men and women share when it comes to their dating experiences. Tell me if it sounds familiar to you.

    THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

    (Let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman.)

    You and I meet. We both like each other. (Lucky me!)

    Our feelings develop for each other on several levels (physically, emotionally, socially).

    You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and play it cool. We have a great “connection” and have a great time when we’re together… but we never really talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship, or marriage. Time goes by and things are great for us when we’re together. But eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship once you start to see that things aren’t moving past this “casual” but fun situation. Which brings up a dilemma in your mind. You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

    You want us to get closer, but you don’t want to “rock the boat” and do something that will make things worse, when all you want is for things to be even more magical for us both together. Plus, you’re a little scared about how things are going to go in the future because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past and part of you knows that I might not be “open” or seem “ready” for the kind of true love and a lasting relationship that we could have.

    And sometimes I even make negative remarks about dating and relationships that make you think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t “get” what we have together or fully appreciate it the way you do.

    Of course, you don’t want to ruin the good things we have going, but in the back of your mind, you know that you want to talk about where things are headed so you can have some certainty and not feel like you’re just waiting around for me to “get with the program” and figure it out.

    But the more you think about this, and us, the more you start to feel fear and the negative emotions that come into your mind. You think to yourself, “What if he’s not that serious about me and I’m totally in love with him?”

    “What if this is all he wants, and I’m left hanging after putting so much into this?”

    “What if everything that I’ve been feeling and starting to count on isn’t real!?”

    Your head is full of these thoughts… but you still don’t communicate with me about them.

    Then, as I start to see us growing closer, a few things start to happen for me at the same time:

    – I notice that you’re acting different and seem more emotional, more worried, and almost “needy” when we’re together

    – I notice that we don’t have as much fun anymore and that things are starting to feel “heavy” and like it’s “work” when we’re together

    – You don’t seem to be so “into me” anymore, and you aren’t just happy to see me and share your love and affection when we first see each other

    – I start to notice that you question me a lot more, and react to little things that I do, no matter how small or insignificant I think they are

    And finally…- I start to pull away as I feel these things and don’t know what they are (which only makes you feel worse, worry more, reinforces the negative distance we’re both starting to feel between us) But still, you’re trying to play it cool and let things work out without freaking out.

    So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings. And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!) But you become more and more frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act. Things begin to change with the way I treat you. I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore. I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore. I’m tired every day after work and just want to watch TV when I get home. I call you less frequently. I don’t initiate sex as much anymore. You even consider that I could be seeing someone else because of how differently I’m acting with you now.

    And after a few months – I’ve become totally distant from you.

    So what happens next?

    You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk. But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want because it will scare me away, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

    And to wrap the story up…You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”! (You get upset and lose your cool with me.)

    All the desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

    This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

    Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

    It might include:

    – Complaining about the current state of the relationship

    – Talking about the things he does wrong with you

    – Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing

    – Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel

    – Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

    But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama.” Especially in the guy’s mind.

    This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive results, move things FORWARD and become CLOSER in your relationship.
    That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it. In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him. And yes, I know it’s not fair. But it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

    I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake. And yeah, I also know that this is an immature, selfish and unfair way to see things… but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up being “that woman” to the man in their lives.

    So… the million dollar question is –

    How do you avoid this situation?

    And what do you do instead to communicate with a man in a way that won’t scare him off but bring you closer and build a better foundation for communication and your relationship?

    I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

    Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…

    Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place. Honestly… this isn’t how it works with most men in the real world.
    If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, odds are that you’re wrong.

    Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed RELATIONSHIP. Some men do, but not most.

    For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms. Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

    Scary, right?

    And all the “common wisdom” tells you that doing this is the surest way to scare a man off. But what about women who seem to “effortlessly” get a man to fall in love with them and commit, without any struggles or tension? Is it just luck?

    While in some rare cases this is true… it’s generally NOT luck. It’s that these women either naturally know how to interact and communicate with men in relationships in a way that WORKS…

    OR they’ve taken the time to find and learn the right information, and integrate a new, more productive and positive way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

    Doing this is not easy. In fact, it’s a “skill” most people have to learn to finally create and grow and real, lasting, loving relationship.

    But the good news is that there’s a very easy way to learn and get help.

    Keep reading…

    Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

    EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life (in every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want. The root of this problem basically boils down to having your own needs that are unmet. So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

    Here’s the thing…When you do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

    And men pick up on and “read” women who do this.

    Instantly.

    I see a form of this “Big Mistake” all the time in business by the way. Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need-oriented” communication. Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it. The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what THEY WANT from me… the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

    It’s very simple… but extremely powerful. So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men. It might sound cliche, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from.

    Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations. Or course, you’ve also got to be careful to not become the woman who gives a man EVERYTHING and gets walked on either.

    We’ll get to how to make sure you are “heard” and have your needs met in a minute…

    Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

    Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…

    Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

    I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself – and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

    So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships. Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen. Or at least to get it started and make it a part of your ongoing relationship.

    Luckily, if motivated, men can be great learners who pick things up quickly and like to succeed at new things. So learn to take advantage of their strengths, instead of condemning them for their weaknesses. It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

    If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise, he will LOVE YOU for it! And return the favor.

    When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt or anxious.

    Try this instead…Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I am happy to be with you.” It might sound submissive, corny, or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.

    Oh, and one more thing…

    If you’re having a hard time talking to your man, no matter WHAT you say or HOW you say it, there may be deeper issues here than simply putting a “positive spin” on what it is you’re thinking and feeling.

    If your boyfriend is misunderstanding what you’re trying to tell him, or ignoring what you’ve been telling him, or has simply SHUT DOWN and isn’t telling you anything about what he’s feeling, then it’s time you took a whole different approach.

    I mean, unless you’re completely open and honest about what you are BOTH experiencing in your relationship, and what your expectations and needs are, there’s a big danger in having your man “drop the bomb” on you when you least expect it.

    You’ll be going through weeks or months of silence or tension, only to have him come to you one day to tell you, “I’m not in love with you anymore,” or “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

    Don’t allow this happen.



  320.  #320Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 9:45 am

    @317: Pamelala says:
    “…Happy Thursday Sirens!…”

    Thanks, and to you too! First day of the weekend… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  321.  #321Pamelala on February 3, 2011 at 9:54 am

    SLV – it’s the first day of my 4 day weekend as well! Yay!

    I’m off to try and get my laptop fixed…ugh



  322.  #322Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 9:57 am

    FW #319:

    Yep, this is the one got me triggered…I read it this morning…:) It feels like he is taking Rori’s viewpoints about the importance of expressing ourselves in feelings messages and yet, making it his own…this letter is actually such a blah, blah, blah to me…:)

    And yes, I read his ebook too last year…Yes, at times he has a good point…but u literally have to dig through the letter to get his point…:)

    Different communication style…I sure know it’s not mine 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  323.  #323Andi on February 3, 2011 at 10:02 am

    317: Pamelala says:
    Andi, I haven’t read all of the responses to your questin about responding to the guy who misses companionship, romance and passion. However, in my experience with an ex all of those can be interpretted as sex. I believe he was attempting to take the flirtation to it’s logical conclusion. So, I believe he was baiting you into consenting to get together for some “fun.” You turned the question around and asked him what he wanted to do…when I read that, I interpretted it as a test as well, as in “is he going to step up and ask for what he wants?” To me, his response was close to what I was expecting. Bottom line…he’s horny. He doesn’t want to go to a romantic restaurant or pick a place. I think he wants an invite for a snuggle on the couch.

    This is all, obviously just guessing, but this guy sounds a lot like I guy I used to see who wouldn’t come out and say exactly what he was thinking, but as soon as the conversation turned flirtatious, he would use all kinds of euohamisms…he either wanted erotic texts, phone sex, or to come visit. It got old quickly…

    This is all IMHO – keep what fits, toss what doesn’t.

    ***

    This sounds right to me, thanks for sharing about a similar experience. When I called it on him, he said “oh I want romance.” The thing is, he needs to ask ME for a snuggle on the sofa! Ha!



  324.  #324Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 10:04 am

    RE 322 Darling Ella I hear you but in my case I realized I got triggered because I was looking for a quick fix. I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here. Long story short I have accepted that in life there are no quick fixes to the things that really matter so I have accepted that they involve processes. I have settled into using both advices for my own advantage as I feel they both teach the same thing just in different ways.



  325.  #325marina on February 3, 2011 at 10:04 am

    @ FeminineWoman & Darling Ella
    Hmm, I read this too and still I feel triggered by CC..

    I feel like somebody is holding me on a string and asking for my attention instead of just giving me the wisdom….I feel like someone is using my precious time.

    Hmm, I know I have felt that way many many times with people.

    Perhaps it is not my communication style.

    Perhaps I should use feeling messages when this feeling comes up… but how to use Feeling Messages when reading a dating expert’s email, LOL

    Anyway, gottago climbing!!!
    Have a beautiful day!

    XXX



  326.  #326Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Marina 🙂

    My sweet fellow European 🙂 Interesting to see how our perception is very similar 🙂

    Have fun rock climbing 🙂

    Warm hugs from the US 🙂



  327.  #327Summerbaby on February 3, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Re: 319:

    so I have to broach the subject of where things are going? When is the right time?

    I also watched the video on manimals and it’s unclear to me mr, treatsmelike gold is boyfriend material or casual whatever it was called.

    I’m struggling to remember the first three dates to figure out what he told me about himself. The very first date told me he is a dedicated father. Indeed he spent most of the time talking about his children and some issues there and how he is working on them to help them through. He’s not a complainer – I’ve met my fair share of whiners and that is not him at all.

    Honestly I think he is WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) because he’s been pretty much the same from the get go.

    The only thing he’s said that gives me even a little pause, is that “I am going to take my time” in response to a comment I made when we were discussing the pitfalls of early commitment.

    I guess I should have asked how much time? lol
    What sort of things do you bring up or how would you go about figuring out which direction the relationship is heading? Is it up to you to know or is this where being surprised comes into play?

    I heard from a guy who is/was interested in me. Long distance man. When you cd do you discuss people who are dancing around you with the one you are most interested in? How do I tell him that I am still talking to other guys and open to meeting them when he doesn’t bring up anything like that?

    Do I need to? And if you’ve already become intimate, do you suddenly decide to stop because you feel like it was too soon?

    I’m recognizing that I’m at a familiar phase for me, but I have done it much differently than in the past, so that’s a good thing. But I am trying to calm my inner fears and step purposefully. I guess I’m trying to figure out what to actually open up and be honest with him about at this point. Is there a too much too soon? Or do I just open up and tell him all the things I feel about? Yikes that’s scary even to me and it’s my stuff! lol

    *very deep sigh* Not sure how to proceed or what a Diva/rockstar/goddess would do.

    Summerbaby – who’s very sick of snow in the northeast!



  328.  #328Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I have to share this. A couple of guys were just going by my desk. One stopped to chit chat but he stood at a distance. I just leaned back in my chair, touched his hand that he reached out and responded to his questions about how life is. Another came over and walked right up to me hugging me from behind and rubbed his stubbled face against my ear. By the way it is lunch time. I felt prickly and tingly so I kind of wiggled in my chair and said “oohh I like that” kind of strong moving sideways in the chair. Both of them busted out laughing because the first one started saying is that the way to do it, now I feeling excited. The one who hugged me was saying that is my girl and we are dying with laughter. First is saying “I feel excited, now you have me drooling”. I said he has it down pat, he knows what I like. The first one is saying “now you have me excited, I see all of that movement. He’s the man”. I asked is that the way to do it, “show how I’m feeling”. Both of the laughing said yes.

    We were having fun but what I learnt is that they like it when we show our feelings, respond to them and accept what they are offering. Also each one come with a different set of offerings and it is up to us to show what we prefer or accept what they offer. The one who touched me totally opened up to me in the last couple of months as I practiced connecting while his mother went through sickness and eventual death. We are now very good friends who can share anything.



  329.  #329Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 10:23 am

    FW #324:

    “I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here””…Indeed I don’t like being told WHAT i might or may not make up in my mind…However, I don’t mind being asked…:)

    It feels like being “slapped” on the face and then apologized for …as if in “sorry for slapping u” kind of thing…

    I feel displeased with the statement…It does not seem tactful to me…Yet, I know it was not mean intended…so, after saying this, I feel good to move on from this topic…

    Warm hugs,



  330.  #330Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 10:27 am

    @Summerbaby –
    [who’s very sick of snow in the northeast!]

    I’m loving the snow…but it doesn’t look as pretty right now…

    xoxo
    SLV



  331.  #331Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 10:27 am

    RE 326 Summerbaby says “guess I should have asked how much time? Is it up to you to know or is this where being surprised comes into play?

    Summerbaby the choices are all yours it is your life. Plus it is boundary setting when we tell a man I am willing to be in a casual dating sitation for 5 months, 6 months, whatever is comfortable to us, and stick by it. We are the ones doing the choosing. Asking such questions in my humble opinion puts the power in the guys hand and my understanding is they like it when we have the power and use it. I am now comfortable tellings guys I keep my options open until a man steps up with the ring. They know what I want and though some have disappeared after hearing that they tend to come back when I don’t go running after them. What I actually don’t like is when they come back they make innuendos about marriage or wife. The last one I had no contact with last year for 6 months, he came back so intense I felt overwhelmed. I recently pulled back again because there are others that I am considering because I am determined to get the best. Hopefully I won’t shoot myself in the foot.



  332.  #332Andi on February 3, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Heehee well I am not playing it so safe with beat- around-the-bush-guy anymore I just sent him an email. We will see what happens!

    Thanks for all your feedback sirens!



  333.  #333Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 10:32 am

    RE 329 Darling Ella thanks for that I tend to be rather blunt which is what has gotten me into all kinds of problems but funny enough I have found guys who like that. I have a boss who actually tells me he keeps me close because he knows I will slap him down if he goes too far. I also have guys tell me all the time that is the reason why they love me because I am always honest without mincing words. I have even been invited to criticize them when I apologize about possibly coming across as critical. Isn’t it funny how things work, our greatest weakness can be our greatest strengths. Thanks for pointing that out though.



  334.  #334Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 10:37 am

    @329: Darling Ella:
    FW #324:

    I didn’t say anything because I skipped over what I guessed was a newsletter e-mail that was posted.

    I’ve notice sometimes in the forum that posters are stating that things are owned by Rori when they are not. I hope I am not saying this in a bad way because I don’t mean it in a bad way.

    A while ago I think someone even mentioned the concept of dating more than one man belonged to Rori. I did post some other older material about that. I don’t know what to say sometimes when i see this sort of thing. I don’t know what to say. Maybe nothing most of the time. I don’t know if saying nothing and pretending the misunderstanding is correct is helpful either; I don’t think it is.

    xoxo
    SLV



  335.  #335Summerbaby on February 3, 2011 at 10:45 am

    @SLV, the snow is pretty, but it’s to the point where I have no place left to put it.

    Snow removal is the part I dislike… that and bundling up, and Raynaud’s and …. hmmm, need to shift this attitude to one that feels better.

    Sun reflecting off the snow, the beautful way the icicles glimmer in the sun, the way the mountains look all covered with snow and postcard perfect… ahhh that’s better!

    summerbaby



  336.  #336Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 10:45 am

    RE 334 SLV Maybe it is me but I am not sure I understand what you are saying. The conversation was about a comparison between RR and CC’s style. Not sure if there is a misunderstanding, I saw it as a discussion. Or maybe I should say there is no misunderstanding from my end. I just wanted to hear what the impression was and what she was saying. She was completely right in her assessment in how I come across. It has been my weakest suit throughout my life.



  337.  #337Jenny on February 3, 2011 at 10:50 am

    help re post 82
    what do i do? i want to tell this guy i really care and want to see him. but i think think i’ve scared him off with desperation. i’m more level headed now, have thought it through. but can’t get closure until i see him.
    Do i tell him how it is, and if so how?
    or do i leaving it, forget him, he knows hows to get in touch?
    i feel thing something is missing without him……
    oh and he might have a girl friend now but no sure he won’t confirm it.

    Help x



  338.  #338Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I feel curious.

    All of you who are dating men you really like:

    Would you be willing to kind of describe these men for me so that I can see if they are men that *I* would have been interested in if I had met them?

    The reason I’m asking is bc I am having so much trouble finding men I like… so I wonder if it’s my location or my “pickiness” or something else…

    Anyone want to help?

    When I read stories here of actually getting into relationships or at least enjoying dating a guy for a couple months, it makes me think how wonderful that would feel.



  339.  #339Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 10:57 am

    329: Darling Ella says:
    FW #324:

    “[b]I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own[/b] might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here””…Indeed I don’t like being told WHAT i might or may not make up in my mind…However, I don’t mind being asked…:)

    334: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @329: Darling Ella:
    FW #324:

    “I’ve notice sometimes in the forum that posters are stating that things are owned by Rori when they are not. I hope I am not saying this in a bad way because I don’t mean it in a bad way.”

    There are “misunderstandings” in what belongs to Rori and what does not. I could pretend Rori owns everything about dating and relationships but I don’t always.

    Hugs to all,

    xoxo
    SLV



  340.  #340Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 10:59 am

    I guess forgot where I was…i most have been the snow… getting harder and dirtier every day but i still like it. No metaphors here BTW. I’m still soft and semi-clean. 😀 Or maybe it’s clean and semi-soft.

    xoxo
    SLV



  341.  #341Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:04 am

    *i* most have been the snow…

    OMG, that’s what I wrote??? oops, must’ve been Freudian slip…

    I meant *it* must have been the snow …because I used B brackets instead of HTML, better stop all , y’all know how bad I am with typos…. don’t want to throw the forum into distress. I’ve been “good” lately…

    xoxo
    SLV



  342.  #342Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Lisi — “Says he’s still all messed up about his divorce & gonna stop dating. But he’s put recent profiles on every dating site I know of, & they proudly display this guy’s been on in the paast 24 hrs.”

    His words might actually be completely consistent with his behavior. Sometimes men think I am lying to them the way you think this guy is — but it’s because they are assuming they know the meaning of my behavior — and they are interpreting it incorrectly — putting their own “stories” on what I’m doing and saying.

    For example, I have told men “I am taking a break from dating” — yet I have continued to browse the sites and read emails from men there, and sometimes even responded…. yet NOT DATED any of them bc I truly was taking a break from dating, just as I said.

    <3
    Lucy



  343.  #343Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

    RE 338 Lucy I am not sure I am the best to respond to your query but I have one that is perfect in every way. He calls when he says he will, he calls everyday just to touch base, he pays and refuses to take any money from me, he comes over to shovel snow even though I don’t ask (he literally just shows up), he opens doors, he listens to me vent and whine, he tries to make suggestions about the kids, he cherishes my feelings and my opinions. This is a two year relationship that I walked away from for 6 months last year. The one thing that triggers me about his communication is that he tends to be blameful. Eg. Once when he woke up for work late he said “you the reason I woke up late you should have called when you didn’t hear from me”. Just one example and I find this really triggers me. The other thing is he has an ex that has a son for him. Though I have heard from both of their mouths that they don’t want each other because they can’t get along which I have seen for myself, I can’t figure out how I would deal with her if I choose him. She seems to be determined to make him miserable for the rest of his life as if he owes her something. She has physically attacked him in public demanding he does something for their son. Sometimes she physically puts herself in between us if we are at a social event that she might be attending. Sometimes I see her standing off in the distance glaring at me. I really don’t feel like I want to be dealing with that in my future and I have told him bluntly. I have a problem being tactful, not my greatest skill. I guess we would have to consider moving, for peace sake, if I did settle with him. It is really a icky situation with her in there but I feel like he treats me like gold to the point that I wonder if something is wrong with him.



  344.  #344Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Lucy,

    I suspect that you are looking for a more “balanced” kind of guy, not 100% masculine, not feminine either. Do you remember what Katarina was talking about few months ago?

    And , oh gee, the supposed numbers were 80% guys(of the sometimes masculine “jerky” variety) 10% feminine guys and what’s left femin/masc. 10% of guys. Lucy, I think those are for me. I think you too…

    That sure makes the number of guys smaller!!!

    xoxo
    SLV



  345.  #345Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:17 am

    “femin/masc. 10% of guys. Lucy, I think those are for me. I think you too…” (SLV)

    Thanks for reminding me of that, SLV. That may be the case. And I feel sad about it, bc maybe those 10% are all already taken. Or maybe there’s almost zero chance of us finding each other bc there are so few. 🙁

    Yes, I’m pretty sure you are right about me wanting fem/masc balance in a man. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced. And they are indeed rare. 🙁



  346.  #346Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

    @FW
    “…She seems to be determined to make him miserable for the rest of his life as if he owes her something…”

    My two cents only. This is a biggie!!! You would be included in the “making miserable for rest of life.” The behaviour you have described, I would call “outrageous.” Maybe the two of them will come to better terms because if they don’t, it might not be pretty if you marry. IMHO only. But moving far away could solve a lot of the problem!

    And again, IMHO, the guy does own ex-wife something, a partnership in rearing their child.

    xoxo
    SLV



  347.  #347Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

    RE 338 Lucy I should add that since Jan 1 2011 I walked away telling him to stop calling me because of something she did. He has not called but our kids are friends. And I am actually afraid that he will come back stronger as that is his pattern. Sweetie pie, calling me out of the blue singing songs with my name in it, telling me he likes me. I feel I have inadvertently really attracted him to the point of no return and I am trying to figure out the things I have done with him to use on another guy that I am attracted to but who has decided to put on a steel suit around his emotions because of how hurt he was by his former wife. I feel in my gut that he is very sensitive because what he has shared with me in the past when he was struggling through his first relationship. He can be very tender and very sensitive, but brutally honest, harshly critical and just plain old bad boy mean. I love him though because he has been an inspiration to me. As a matter of fact it was his constant criticism telling me that I am negative why I found Rori. I only accept what he offers when he comes forward and have refused to lean forward towards him. He always comes back because I have him hooked on Words of Affirmation which he told me he loves. He will always be my friend no matter what and I am comfortable blurting out stuff to him. He does it with me. I really love him I guess because he is not perfect and does try to hide that. I love him quirks and all and we are energetically matched physically. God I love that man but I am determined not to move towards him. He already knows I am looking for marriage and have told what I don’t want in a very harsh way and have walked away but he came back. He knows me and I know him.



  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:20 am

    @FW

    Oh, FW I mean “owe” not “own” — I guess you know me and typos by now…? 😳

    xoxo
    SLV



  349.  #349Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 346 SLV agree to everything you say however they were never married but lived together and bought a house together. He walked away from the house claiming nothing. He does sacrifice a lot for the child. He actually told me that was the reason he is not married yet because the kid is his first priority. Trust me they are tight and he sacrifices a lot for him.



  350.  #350Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:24 am

    FW, thanks for sharing about your relationship.

    “Eg. Once when he woke up for work late he said “you the reason I woke up late you should have called when you didn’t hear from me”.”

    Wow! My ex-h used to say EXACTLY the same thing when he overslept!

    It was part of a larger pattern, I discovered, of not taking responsibility for his own behavior.

    Can you tell me about your guy’s hobbies and activities?



  351.  #351Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:26 am

    By the way SLV he seems to be very feminine energy where he is tender, sensitive and comes across as too nice. Yes that is another thing I don’t like about him he comes across as too nice and wanting to please too much. I tend to be attracted to really masculine men.



  352.  #352Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:30 am

    @Lucy

    And Lucy, I want Black ones too!! And older ones…
    The number grows ever smaller and microscopic…

    I was actually pining over this yesterday. Pining over a non-existent person!!! I started reading a new book, sort of in honor of Black History Month and it is so wonderful I wanted to share with someone but there is no one that would “get it” the way I do, or even if not totally in thrall as I am, would even get I find it important to me.

    Well, I did mention it, all excited like, to girlfriend. She patiently listened for a few seconds until i detected her boredom and changed the subject. That caused me to feel worse. She only wants to ready about things that will make her more beautiful or how to increase her capital in stock market. I like those things too but I like lots of other stuff also…

    I think I am going to be lonely this month and I don’t usually think of myself this way because happy with lots of stuff going on… But…

    xoxo
    SLV



  353.  #353Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:31 am

    He tends to be a home body but he loves playing dominoes and hanging by another friend who lives close by. They are very family oriented so for big holidays they tend to gather at each others homes and during summer times do barbecues or go to parks with family. He also likes things like bowling and paint ball. He is very close to his sisters and his mother so he spends a lot of time with them also.



  354.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:33 am

    @FW
    “…and I am trying to figure out the things I have done with him to use on another guy that I am ..”

    Tell me more. Increasing attraction is good if it helps a bonding.

    xoxo
    SLV



  355.  #355Summerbaby on February 3, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Lucy,

    the guy I am really interested in –

    contacts daily. Calls if there’s time or texts or instant messages, depending on where he is or I am and what accommodates us best. Does what he says he will do when he says he will do it. Is chivalrous, attentive, caring, charming, playful, flirtatious, has a wonderful sense of humor, is caring, concerned for my feelings, health, wellbeing, pleasure…

    One of the few times I leaned forward was when a family member attempted suicide just before christmas and I needed a shoulder. I wanted someone outside my immediate circle who wouldn’t be as “pained” by the issue because they don’t know the family member. I texted that I was in need of hearing an upbeat voice that I’d just received some bad news. He called within 30 seconds and let me unload. I felt a little wobbly and vulnerable afterward and apologized for dumping on him. He told me not to worry, that he had big shoulders.

    I think he liked the opportunity to cheer me up, and on other occasions he’s told me that I should feel like I can talk to him about anything. I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.

    I feel like I really matter to him. Hope this helps.

    summerbaby



  356.  #356Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:36 am

    RE 352 SLV how about sharing it with us? It sounds interesting.



  357.  #357Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:36 am

    “And Lucy, I want Black ones too!! And older ones…
    The number grows ever smaller and microscopic…” (SLV)

    I’m curious — are you black? I’m caucasion and american indian, but am open to all races. However, I do have other qualifiers that lower the number — shared faith, for one.

    Sorry for your lonely feelings, SLV. 🙁

    <3
    Lucy



  358.  #358Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Thanks summerbaby. This sounds wonderful: “I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.”

    I rarely feel that way with/about men.

    Are you attracted to him physically? What are his interests/activities/passions?

    Thanks!



  359.  #359Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 11:43 am

    @FW
    I’m looking for feminine in a masculine way, if that is meaningful. I’m not looking for hen-pecked or servile. I’m looking for man who steps up to please me and doesn’t have to be told what to do.

    And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature. But business excites me as well, particularly entrepreneurial types and a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  360.  #360Summerbaby on February 3, 2011 at 11:44 am

    SLV and Lucy… it’s time to shift your perception about the number of qualified available men!

    Not too long ago I felt the same way. Please forgive my bossy tone, it’s just that I so identify with how you feel because not long ago that was me.

    Now here is what I did and maybe it will help you as well (trying not to be so bossy!). I made a conscious effort to notice any quality I liked in EVERY man I saw. This was to shift my perception that good men do exist. The result of my little experiment was that from the moment I began, better quality guys started showing up for me. Whenever a dating bit flickered out of existance, I would remark how they are improving.

    This is what worked for me and brought me to my current Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold. He’s not gorgeous, but I’ve never been so much about looks. What he’s got going for him on the inside makes him intensely attractive to me.

    oops, running late for jobs #2 and #3… I’ll be back in about 8 hours or so.

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby



  361.  #361Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Haha, SLV! Yes! We are on the same wavelength!

    “And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature. But business excites me as well, particularly entrepreneurial types and a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!” (SLV)

    The first half of that — “in the arts” — describes WH. The second half — “entrepreneurial types and a little geeky” — describes TN man. (The only two men I have liked in the past five years of “looking”!)

    Two things those types have in common are intelligence and creativity.



  362.  #362Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 11:48 am

    RE 355 This feels just like the guy I wrote about. I have even shared emotional things from my childhood that brought back memories for him that he shared. It was on the phone but I got a distinct feeling he was crying. He also shared how much he cried 1 year after his father died when he finally realized he had buried a stranger.



  363.  #363Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Thanks, summerbaby. I feel bad saying this, bc I can sense your excitement in sharing what worked for you… but I have been making “a conscious effort to notice any quality I liked in EVERY man I saw” for a very long time. It’s very easy for me to see the good in people and to appreciate their positive qualities.

    I so much appreciate your insights though!

    <3
    Lucy



  364.  #364Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I do believe LOTS of good men exist. They’re just not the right guys for me — not a good match.



  365.  #365Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Part of it too, I think, is that I really enjoy being alone. So a man truly does need to be the icing on the cake for me.



  366.  #366Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    @FW
    @Lucy

    Thanks for your interest. This is a historical novel and the research bibliography knocked my socks off. There is a female protagonist and story starts when she was a free Muslim child daughter of midwife and kidnapped in Africa, circa 1745.

    The historical thread is “The Book of Negroes” also the title used in the original publication. This is a historical document and list of names of Black Loyalists (to English crown at the time of the Revolutionary War in the Americas) who migrated to Canada and other British colonies at the time. I know little of this historic episode and I’m eager to learn more.

    And the literature so far (I’m only on Book Two which is page 99 out of 486) is fabulous.

    “Someone Knows My Name” by Lawrence Hill
    http://www.lawrencehill.com/

    I can identify with the author. I thought I might run a CL ad to get a reading buddy date (would not have to remain a “buddy” LOL :lol:) but then I got glimpse of my little chub body in mirror and thought… later….

    xoxo
    SLV



  367.  #367Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    @summerbaby

    “…I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.
    I feel like I really matter to him…”

    This is exactly the qualification that Rori says to use…there is a post about it somewhere on the forum.

    xoxo
    SLV



  368.  #368Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    RE 366 SLV girl stop and reading buddy sounds fabulous that actually gave me ideas here. Your body is fine as it is.



  369.  #369Hadassah on February 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    This has nothing to do with this post, but I need advice. The reason I haven’t really been on here is work has been super busy, and I have been seeing Mr. 40-year old for a bit now and he keeps me busy taking me out and calling and texting! YEA! He is already talking about our future together and how it would be to be married and he wants to be a dad to my daughter and whatnot.

    We get along very well. He is very thoughtful and romantic and whatnot. He isn’t a super ultra masculine man – but he takes the lead when he needs to and I feel GREAT when I am with him.

    Here is the issue –

    We have gotten some terrible winter weather to the point that my daughter and I have been staying with my parent’s since it is super close to my job. The roads are terrible because there is 4″ of ice on them and where we live doesn’t plow the snow, salt, etc. So you really can’t get anywhere.

    He lives 15 minutes away, and because of the weather we haven’t seen each other since Sunday.

    He keeps texting me all these, “I miss you, this makes me realize how much I need you in my life, this makes me see how much I care for you” etc. messages pretty regularly all week.

    And the thing is, I am not all that torn up that we haven’t seen each other. As in, I am not thinking about how he isn’t around. I have been busy playing with my daughter and making dinner with my family and focusing on what’s in front of me. He seems like he is sitting at home moping around because we haven’t seen each other, and I feel bad for him and about it because, frankly, I am pretty indifferent towards it.

    I can’t change the weather or the road conditions, so I don’t see the point in getting all upset about it. I really feel as though I have mastered the not thinking about a man until he is in front of me. Have I mastered it to well? Do I not like him as much as I thought I did because I am not all bent out of shape over not seeing him for nearly a week? The way I am responding to it makes me feel insecure. I feel like I am really into him and that I am SO excited about the potential of this relationship, but then if that is how I really feel about it shouldn’t I be upset about not seeing him or being with him for this amount of time?

    Then I feel angry when I question myself. What a mess!



  370.  #370Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Hadassah looks to me like you are doing fine in building the attraction and keeping him focussed on you. If you are in his face all the time he won’t have any reason to miss you and might end up taking you for granted. This sounds like a success story to me.



  371.  #371Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Another article:-
    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In Their Wife

    We mentioned that a man can lose interest in the woman he loves, even his wife. I’ve had so many wives tell me just such a thing. They are tearful as they recount the last few months (or years) of their marriage that seemed so wonderful in the beginning. Slowly, they notice that he has stopped touching them as often and seems
    uninterested in staying married. They pass each other in the kitchen, and he avoids eye contact and simply continues walking…just like she doesn’t even exist. It doesn’t have to end that way.

    Here’s what a husband needs:
    In a marriage, there is a level of vulnerability that a man has with his wife that he doesn’t experience
    with anyone else. She will be the focus of his attention and the primary source of his self-esteem. There are two things that always arouse his desire for her.

    1) His desire is aroused when his wife does things that make her happy. There is only one goal for a husband in a marriage- to make his wife happy. If he feels that he can make her happy, then he feels strong and powerful. The secret is that he wants her to do things for herself that make her happy and not simply rely on him to fill that role. A wife who puts too much pressure on her husband to make her happy will slowly strangle the romantic feelings that he has for her.

    2) Men need women to remember to flirt. It’s easy to get comfortable in a marriage. Don’t get too
    comfortable. Every woman knows in the early stages of dating to flirt with a man. Smiling at him, paying
    attention to his stories and batting your eyelids all may seem silly….but they work. After all, if this
    behavior were so silly, would you want his secretary doing those things to him?

    Whether it seems fair or not, women are the ones who initiate a relationship through their flirting. Men may approach a woman, but it is usually after he feels he has received some signal (invitation) from her. Wives who wait for their husband to be romantic don’t understand that men respond to a woman’s cues. If you stop flirting, for a long enough period of time, it’s likely that he’ll notice some other woman who is willing to fill that void. It doesn’t mean that it’s right, but he needs your admiration more than you realize.



  372.  #372Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    @368: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 366 SLV girl stop and reading buddy sounds fabulous that actually gave me ideas here. Your body is fine as it is….”

    I think “girl stop” is a book club? I’ll check it out today. When you wrote “that actually gave me ideas here” what do you mean? I think I missed the flow.

    My little body was a little chub but I’ve had less exercise than normal due to medical problem last year and I think I’ve gained a few. I already wanted to lose 35-40 pounds, gee it might be more now. 😥

    Not to worry, “my little boy” part of me is going to “handle it!” even if I don’t get a reading buddy this week, there is plenty of material I’ll be sorting through for rest of year so I will be including that in some of my ads.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Hey, read the book, you don’t have to be Black; I think it would appeal to you.



  373.  #373Hadassah on February 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks Femininewoman! And I like that article, too!



  374.  #374Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @369: Hadassah says:
    “…but then if that is how I really feel about it shouldn’t I be upset about not seeing him or being with him for this amount of time?
    Then I feel angry when I question myself. What a mess!..”

    Do you feel real good and comfortable about *yourself* when you think about him? Do you enjoy being *with* him?

    I suspect you feel OK, happy doing your thing and you are *secure* in his feelings for you and you know that he wants to be with YOU!!

    Gee, if he were ignoring you… maybe treating you not so good when he *was* around…hahaha, you’d be obsessed… Am I right?? 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  375.  #375Femininewoman on February 3, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    I meant looking for a reading buddy as a date. I have not hung out at the library in a while I am thinking it might be a great place to meet someone with compatible interests. What do you think?



  376.  #376Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    @375: Femininewoman says:
    “..I meant looking for a reading buddy as a date…”

    I got this book at library but I buy books also. I’ve had few, but more interesting conversations, in book stores, no dates though. I’m in library often. I think I’ll go look at meet up dot com site and see what book and/reading clubs are in place.

    Going there now… oops 😳 … or not. I have to watch DVD right now so I can get it back to the … library as couldn’t renew and fine is growing… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  377.  #377Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Thanks for sharing about what you’re reading, SLV. I like your CL book buddy idea — and, really, do book buddies care if you’re chub? 🙂



  378.  #378Hadassah on February 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    @374 SLV – SOOOOO……. funny you point that out. My mom was like, “um do you remember how obsessed you were with (Mr. Perfect on paper treated me like crap)? Don’t you think that is because you were insecure about the whole thing? I think it isn’t because you don’t like Mr. 40 Year Old, but because you know where you stand and are secure about yourself and your feelings about this one.”

    My mom. She might know best. I never listen to her though. 🙂



  379.  #379Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I’ve been meaning to ask this question here… It came up in a discussion with my daughter —

    If women are supposed to use their feminine energy in relationships and their masculine energy in work, etc., and men are supposed to use their masculine energy in relationships (AND work) — then, where do men get to use their feminine energy?



  380.  #380Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    377: Lucy says:
    “… do book buddies care if you’re chub? ..”

    Hmmm, maybe not… but I do. I’m going to work on it; it’s in “the letter” for 2011. I’ll be reading a lot this year; this is going to be a good thing all around. I might also run a “platonic” ad, a girl reading buddy is cool also.

    LOL Laughing a bit because Brenda had experience where CL posters seem not to know (or accept) ad was for platonic meeting. I’ve seen that too. Oh, well… it’s a strange ole world out there.

    xoxo
    SLV



  381.  #381Senior Lady Vibe on February 3, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    379: Lucy says
    “… where do men get to use their feminine energy?..”

    Short answer…with me…when it’s their turn. LOL 😀

    Or like the guy, a military man, a marine! who was taking his daughter to dance class, braiding her hair and putting it up into a ballerina bun. My kind of guy…

    xoxo
    SLV



  382.  #382FeminineWoman on February 3, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    RE 379 There is a guy, an Indian right here on my job who spent a lot of time with his mom when he was growing up. I see him flip back and forth with both a lot. We currently have a Director who is very masculine and the Indian is very happy and obviously using feminine energy with him. Onlookers can see it in his body language, the look on his face, the lean back when necessary. He also says he knows he has feminine characters that he is comfortable with. The thing is he obviously loves himself and is totally comfortable with himself so it doesn’t matter to him what role is required, he flexibly fills whatever is necessary.



  383.  #383Andi on February 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    trigger…my pilot used to braid my hair…oh boy…tears



  384.  #384Prairie Girl on February 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Lucy #34
    I disabled my Okcupid too…couldn’t handle delete after I answered 100s of questions..lol

    I clicked the same reason you did as well as the “to many contacts from people I’m not interested in”… I swear some of these guys would write pages long emails (for first time notes) w/everything they did that day and what they ate. They were all WAY older than I am. I felt bad not responding in depth but I wan not interested and didn’t have time to just write…

    We’ll see about my cowboy dating site… it has 40 some days on it but my plan is not to renew it..

    PG



  385.  #385Andi on February 3, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    all i can do is feel it and move on



  386.  #386Andi on February 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    It really is pointless to wonder what he really felt about me or what happened…he is not here now and choses not to be. And in that context he no longer matters.



  387.  #387Dorothea on February 3, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    oh goodness, I have missed so much! well hi sirens. maybe i’ll come back later, have a good day!



  388.  #388Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Andi 🙁 Sorry you are feeling bad. Hugs. <3



  389.  #389Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    High five, PG. 🙂



  390.  #390Andi on February 3, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    thank you Lucy… 🙂



  391.  #391Andi on February 3, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Dorothea!



  392.  #392Violet on February 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I’m stressed about everything. I’m going to be 55 and I feel like I don’t know diddly squat about dating and social interaction with men.

    It’s like I know the bigger picture in my head. It’s the carrying out part that scares me. It seems like I’m frozen because I don’t want to make a mistake.

    Is there just one technique I can work on to build confidence? It’s like I’m trying too hard to remember ALL the techniques. Why am I giving myself such a hard time about all of this!?

    I feel like I don’t want to be this powerless woman I used to be. I don’t want to try too hard, anymore. It seems like the pendulum has gone too far the other way. I feel unbalanced. I feel insecure. I feel like giving up and going it alone.

    I had accepted being alone for the rest of my life. Then I met ‘W’. He and I are alike in SO many ways. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.

    We both have strong personalities. One difference is that I’m on ‘slow burn’ with my temper and sometimes he isn’t.

    I’m trying like hell to step out of my comfort zone. Change can be scary.

    This is all so different for me. By letting go, I feel more vulnerable.

    I’d appreciate any comments, suggestions, etc… I feel a little lost right now and could use some ‘sisterly’ advice and comfort.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~Violet~



  393.  #393LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Oh Dear, that is so funny
    The men are giving the same advices to men.

    *****Your internal is screwed up bro, because deep down you
    STILL love her, you still want her, and as long as
    there’s that small glimmer of hope for you to get her,
    you’ll still hang on to that hope.

    The best way to enter into such a situation is for
    you to not make a big deal out of it and be totally
    DETACHED from the outcome; whatever it is, good or bad.

    You said you’re cool with the current situation, but
    the reality is, you’re NOT.

    If you fail, deep inside, you’ve genuinely got to be
    TOTALLY COOL with it, and move on to other girls.

    The sad thing is that it’s a cycle, because if you are
    NOT cool with it, then you won’t be able to move on
    properly, and you don’t get the other girls, and then
    you go back to thinking about the first girl, and that
    makes you needy, which makes you not able to get her or
    other girls.****

    And they even refer to the “imaginary relationship” the girl is in with her so called boy friend. It so fits with the girl friend trap Rori speaks about lol
    They agree with us here, that no matter how bad the boy friend treats a woman, if she thinks that time will transform him into a good husband lol, she will NEVER see love when it is offered to her by another man. She is emotionally unavailable.
    Advices work only if applied on emotionally available persons.
    Rings any bells, ladies? loooool
    Seems like the girl was unconsciously Cdating Nizar. Yet it did not free her from her obsession. As soon as the vanisher reappeared, she ran to him and dropped good old Nizar.
    And the advices to get a girl from friend to lover fits with Rori’s advices when she explains how to avoid the friend’s trap also.
    The man is the pursuer, Nizar got to find what she wants and meet her needs. Not the way around. Said by a man to men 🙂
    They also ask the man to be authentic.
    I’ll paste the eletter in the following post.

    xxx



  394.  #394LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Question From Nizar

    Two years back, I really liked this one girl, I would always
    tease her and make fun of her and we’d get along. Things were
    going perfectly.

    But then I found out she had a bf (it was only a 6 month old
    relationship). It kinda bothered me but on paper I was never
    more than a friend, so I had no reason to feel down.

    Summer 2006, her bf was away from the summer. I was a superstar
    (lots of friends, lots of confidence, etc). One day, she
    randomely calls me to get some info and we ended up talking
    for 30 minutes.

    We then talked on the phone 4-5 times a day for hours, almost
    everyday, went to movies, dinners, fireworks, etc. First in
    groups, then alone.

    The kino was good too; one day we just randomely started
    walking hand in hand, she would occasionally rest her head
    on my shoulders and I would occasionally either give her my
    jacket or put my arm around her whenever she was cold.

    I fell in love with her, HARD. But I never showed any emotions
    or neediness, at all. Probably because of low expectations.

    The day her bf came back to town, she forgot all about me,
    like I did not exist. I became a mess. Couldn’t figure out where
    I went wrong. Turns out she was OBSESSED over him.

    Also turns out my f^ck up was the failure to kiss her. She was
    only 6 months into her relationship. For the next few months,
    every other night I would go to bed feeling avoid (her voice),
    sometimes crying, then dream about her, then wake up
    with yet another void (her call!).

    That’s how sudden we lost touch.

    Summer 2007: By then I had almost moved on. I ran into her
    again at a presentation and she was talking to me more and
    more, basically she came crawling back, expecting me to have
    crashed, wondering how I was such a cool guy.

    She asked me about the previous summer and if I did all those
    things with all my girl friends. She wanted me to tell her I
    liked her. I didn’t give in. I knew by then that actions speak
    more and that I can’t expect much because she still had a bf.

    She asked me to hang out the first few interactions and I
    escalated this time. Her bf was also away that summer. It went
    rather fast. I kissed her, she analysed how it was “wrong”, I
    handled it well, agreeing with her and removing her of the
    guilt and we would kiss almost every interaction.

    She would always ask me how I feel/if I liked her and I would
    always tease her with something like “what kind of a question
    is that?” and then hold her tight in my arms.

    I even had sex with her a couple of times, including an
    all-nighter in every posible positions! That’s also what hurts,
    the thought of her doing all that with her bf. I mean for him,
    she usually makes herself 10 times prettier (as tho if she is
    not PERFECT already without make up).

    Anyways, one day I asked her to be my gf, she wasn’t profound
    of the idea. I mean she would always tell me how her bf
    ignores her existance and is never there for her and me, I
    would defend him and shrug it off. I was approching the
    friends-zone so that’s why I kissed her.

    This time, when her bf returned to town, she did not forget
    about me. She worked to keep in touch with me, didn’t show
    as much obsession with her bf, but her relationship was
    already at almost 2 years. She still loves him. She has put a
    lot of effort into it.

    Now, I came up with a spontaneous idea of Hawaii (because we
    talked about it last year), and she was really excited.
    Flights booked and everything. But then, about a few hours
    after we were both so looking forward to it, she changed
    her mind!

    She tells me it’s a place where people go to honeymoon
    with their special someone.

    And that it’s not right that she’d go with a guy while
    she is with [him]. So I dunno why she has to bring up her
    bf and change her mind like that.

    So that’s my story.

    I asked advice to many people that are out of our friends
    circle. Most of them said to move on. Well I already did
    that once and I got even more success.

    But now she will probably not want to be alone with me
    because she sees what we did last summer as a “mistake”.

    What should I do??
    *********************************************************
     >>> Simon Says:

    Dude, if I were to sum up your problems, I would have to
    say you’re targetting the WRONG girl from the word go.

    I have SPECIFICIALLY mentioned that the ONLY POSSIBLE
    CHANCE you can ever steal another person’s gf is when
    the relationship has CRACKS.

    You can be the COOLEST, RICHEST GUY ON EARTH to her
    but trust me, when a girl is currently in a stable
    relationship with a guy, it’s virtually IMPOSSIBLE for
    you to steal her over.

    Bear in mind that “stable relationship” has nothing to
    do whether it’s real or not. As long as in HER mind,
    she stills looks up to her bf as THE ONE, you can tease
    her, play with her, be cocky and funny with her or use
    whatever latest technique or tricks you can learn from
    here and there, it WON’T work.

    That’s why she told you what you told me:

    “I mean she would always tell me how her bf ignores
    her existance and is never there for her and me, I
    would defend him and shrug it off.”

    Wake up and smell the roses dude, whatever kino, or
    sex or whatever ‘stuff’ you may have done with her, it
    doesn’t really matter because it’s so OBVIOUS that she
    STILL loves her bf. Even if he treats her like crap.

    You’ll always be her ‘backup’.

    Hard to swallow, I know, but I want you to HONEST with
    yourself.

    Understand that yes, you may have gotten to sleep with
    her, but ask yourself, is that what you REALLY want?

    You want her to be YOUR girl, not just have one night
    swings.

    That’s not what this is all about. You LOVE her, and
    want to be with her, it’s not about ‘oh but i got to do
    this with her, I got to do that with her’, that’s far
    too naive to look at the entire friend to gf dynamic.

    The friend to girlfriend prog was created unlike any
    of our previous materials, I’ve said it several times
    throughout, turning a friend over is NOT about
    techniques, it’s now more about understanding what SHE
    wants, SHE needs and giving ‘it’ to her.

    It’s all about HER, no more YOU.

    I’ve seen it happen with many of my clients in their own
    unique ‘friend to girlfriend’ situations, it’s a really
    tricky situation to be in because what’s going on here
    goes WAY DEEPER than any “do this to her ” or
    do that to her” answer and that’s why it’s so crucial
    to have strong inner game, to clear things up INTERNALLY
    first, if not all will go awry.

    Your internal is screwed up bro, because deep down you
    STILL love her, you still want her, and as long as
    there’s that small glimmer of hope for you to get her,
    you’ll still hang on to that hope.

    The best way to enter into such a situation is for
    you to not make a big deal out of it and be totally
    DETACHED from the outcome; whatever it is, good or bad.

    You said you’re cool with the current situation, but
    the reality is, you’re NOT.

    If you fail, deep inside, you’ve genuinely got to be
    TOTALLY COOL with it, and move on to other girls.

    The sad thing is that it’s a cycle, because if you are
    NOT cool with it, then you won’t be able to move on
    properly, and you don’t get the other girls, and then
    you go back to thinking about the first girl, and that
    makes you needy, which makes you not able to get her or
    other girls.

    This is EXACTLY what’s happening to you right now,
    agree?

    The bottom line’s this: until the day her relationship
    CRACKS, you’ll NEVER BE ABLE TO BREACH IN. I’m pretty
    sure of that.

    You might get lucky, I don’t know, I’m not God, but
    chances are she won’t jump ship yet.

    So whatever tricks you might be doing right now will not
    work (in the long term), DEAL with that fact.

    The problem is not with you, it’s with HER.

    HER, dude.

    Again, if you still want this girl, the best way to do
    it is to wait til something is ‘wrong’ with her current
    relationship, that’s when you enter and FOLLOW the steps
    in the girlfriend stealer book which is a FREE
    complementary bonus that comes with this program.

           Now, if you’re feeling down and all alone, here’s
    a special page that will show you some quick and easy
    tactics you can try out to meet a girl and ditch
    that “lonely” feeling…

           In it, you’ll get the entire picture on
    how everything GELS together; how to approach, meet, date
    women, techniques on getting her number, making her
    comfortable with you, how to get the date, kissing, getting
    physical, transitioning to making out without rejection,
    etc, then I’d recommend you download this and go through
    all the materials SEVERAL TIMES:

           When you UNDERSTAND what is happening, how and
    why women act the way they do, and how to make
    women feel ATTRACTION, success with them will eventually
    come because your behaviors are REAL, they come across
    as natural, real and as AUTHENTIC as it can EVER be to
    women…

    Talk to you soon.

    Your Friend,

    Simon H



  395.  #395archerie on February 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Darling Ella @304

    TOTALLY agree..Christian Carter never seems to get to the point. I bought some of his products years ago and was very disappointed. I still read the ebook from time to time in the light of what i have learned here and other places and i STILL cant actually get his points.

    I think its the writing that is unclear. I wonder if he thinks he is writing how women think?
    Not enough clarity of topics,brief points, take away summary and action tools.

    I also feel frustrated and offended and even slighted as a woman when I read some of his , “Now hit yourself over the head ” comments “until you get it!”
    He seems to delight in making US wrong!!!!!!!

    I cancelled his eletters for this reason. I did not sign up to be made more “wrong” than i knew already that i had been. I read one recently and it seemd a little more toned down. Maybe someone told him 🙂

    Anyway , th epoint is, Rori’s stuff is much easier to understand, more rational , clear and gives us what we want. A template to hold against our relationships to see HOW to get to what we want .

    MOST IMPORTANTLY she teaches us how to recover and build our self esteem , she does not beat us over the head for our faults!!



  396.  #396Lori on February 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    I feel like a rockstar today. Completely different than I felt yesterday. I went to a concert last night with THE EX. He’s the reason I came on this site in the first place 2 years ago. He and I had what I thought was the perect relationship, so when it ended I was blindsided. I was completely depressed and my self confidence and esteem plummeted after out breakup. It took me until recently to get over him, and I continued to compare every man I met to him.

    Anyway, I haven’t seen him in over a year and a half, even though we’ve kept in casual contact-email, texts etc. He had asked to see me in that time, but he was dating another woman and I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him if he was dating other women. He’s single again, and our favorite band was playing last night, so he asked me if I wanted to go together. I agreed. I didn’t feel either nervous or excited. (except to see the concert) I had prepared myself for each of 3 possible outcomes:

    1) I’d see him and we’d realize we still have feelings for each other and start dating again.

    2) I’d see him and feel nothing and know then that I was completely over him and be ready to move on to a new, healthy relationship. or

    3) I’d see him, realize I wasn’t over him but he didn’t want me and I’d ruin all of the work I’ve done here for the past 2 years and have to start healing all over again.

    What I wasn’t prepared for was a 4th possibility, which is what actually played out. When I got there, he hugged me and brought me a gift, and it felt as if it had only been a few days or weeks since we’d seen each other, not almost 2 years. It felt instantly natural and comfortable. I got really fixed up for the concert, and I could see his approval and appreciation. We went to the concert, which was probably 90% men, and I turned heads everywhere we walked. I could tell he was proud to be with me, and I felt confident and absorbed all of the positive energy from all of the looks and smiles I got from so many men. I practiced leaning back all night, and realized how much I had overfunctioned when we had been together. I feel like he wasn’t sure how to deal with the new me, and he leaned back at first too. But I kept resisting the urge to lean forward and just kept leaning back, being open and present and really listening to him, nodding my head and paying attention to how I felt and what he was saying. He began leaning forward and seemed to really want to show me a good time. The concert was fabulous, we laughed, danced, talked and had a really fantastic time. He took my hand when we walked or put his hand on the small of my back, opened doors for me etc etc.

    We got back to the hotel and talked until pretty late. We had a couple of drinks, but not enough to cloud our judgment. After a few hours, he told me I was beautiful and kissed me. It felt familiar and natural and amazing. We made out for about and hour and then I did something I never expected-I broke my no sex boundary and we had really amazing sex.

    This morning we got up and went to breakfast and then he hugged me and told me how great it was to see me and that he’d had a great time. I told him it felt great to see him too, and thanked him for the gift and for the great evening. Then we each got in our cars and drove back to our towns. (the concert was about halfway between our towns)

    Here is what is amazing: I didn’t feel invested in the outcome! I didn’t wonder what he was thinking! I didn’t wonder if he’d call the next day, or when I’d see him again! I didn’t feel guilty about breaking my no sex boundary! I DID feel beautiful, sexy, diva-ish, rockstar-ish. I DID completely stop obsessing about if Mr.IntenseChemistryGuy is a player, and thought if he calls me when he gets back it will feel great to see him. And if THE EX calls and wants to see me again, it will feel great to see him again too, but if either one doesn’t call, it won’t make me feel bad about myself. It DID make me realize that although THE EX has ALOT of the qualities I want in a man, he doesn’t have ALL of the qualities like I thought he did. And it DID make me realize that I can lean back and enjoy myself and have a fantastic evening without needing to know what happens next! What a feeling of empowerment!

    And I started realizing that I haven’t only had bad guys, players and losers in my life, I’ve had some great guys who had alot of good qualities, just not all of the ones I was looking for.

    Yes, I’ve had guys like CancerGuy who told me he had 6 months to live and shaved his head and eyebrows to try to get me to spend time with him when he was actually getting married in 6 months. But I’ve also had guys treat me well, I just was focusing on the bad experiences and the fact that I haven’t met the “guy for me” yet.

    I feel blessed and grateful that there is no shortage of men to give me attention when I need it. I feel grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet and spend time with some good men. I feel grateful that guys like THE EX and 7foottall guy helped set the standard and raise the bar for what I want in a man and how I want to be treated. I even feel grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from the bad guys.

    Maybe I’m on a high right now from good food, wine, music and sex and I’ll be my paranoid, obsessive self again tomorrow. Who knows. But I feel like a rockstar today…. : )



  397.  #397LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 3:24 pm


  398.  #398Pamelala on February 3, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Lori! Yay for you! Celebrating you new perspective with you.



  399.  #399Lori on February 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Pamelala,

    Thanks! I feel like a weight of negativity has been lifted off of my shoulders!



  400.  #400LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Yeah Lori! 🙂

    xxx



  401.  #401Buttery on February 3, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I’ll pipe in to agree with the Christian Carter criticisms….I listened to one of his programs and felt annoyed because he just seemed to be talking in circles and never got to the point; I really didn’t learn much from it.

    Rori’s programs are light years better than his stuff. Love you Rori!!!

    And all of you sirens rock!! I am learning so much from reading this blog and all of your comments.



  402.  #402Buttery on February 3, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Wooohooo Lori!!



  403.  #403amy on February 3, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    congratulations Lori! That is amazing and feels so good to read



  404.  #404Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    @342 Lucy —

    Of course, you’re right. My ego simply CANNOT FATHOM that he wouldn’t be interested.

    I’ve decided he could tell I was relationship material, and, realizing that, had a HOLY CRAP! reaction — realizing he’s not ready for such a thing yet.

    Best he not get into it with someone as vast and experienced as me, cuz I’d have him eating outta my hand in no time, now wouldn’t I????

    Oooh la la!



  405.  #405amy on February 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    after weeks of one of my cds leaning forward hthis week it feels like he is in major lean back mode. He is still telling me what he has been doing this wk (without me asking) and he told me (again without me asking) what he is doing for the super bowl. When I told him those plans sounded fun and have a great time he said_ “oh I dobt know I still am not decided.” I said well whatever you decide have fun! =) last week he was all about us hangingout, this week he is aloof about plans. What should I do? Lean back more.. More cding? What should I do? Help pls =)



  406.  #406Lori on February 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Amy,

    keep leaning back, live in the moment and let go of the outcome. And keep CDing other guys. I personally would recommend making your own Superbowl plans since he hasn’t asked you to do anything with him. Then if he does ask last minute, you already have other plans and he’ll know to give you more notice when he wants to spend time with you….



  407.  #407LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Hadassah 369

    I don’t know.
    But it feels good to read the man is still around and just about to propose to you.
    I hope you’ll find your answer 🙂

    xxx



  408.  #408Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    @338 Lucy —

    I think I’ve opened my mind a lot this past year. I used to think I’d never find a guy I liked in this conservative, one-horse town. Then I met a Zen Buddhist, and had a relationship, and that opened my eyes.

    After that, I met my ex, there was instant chemistry. I was literally crazy about him from the get-go. Probably toxic? Lol. He’s not educated — I thought that was a top priority for me. Fell in love with him anyway. He has a sparkling personality, works out 2 hrs a day, and was SOOOO supportive of me on my path. He was always positive about getting me out to exercise and to eat right — never a negative word from that man. He’d call or text at 4:30 am every Tues/Thurs to get me up for my exercise class. He LOVED to be there for me in that way.

    His relationship with my daughter was fantastic — they loved each other from minute one. He’s probably about 50% of my list — and I realized — the list might be a little more negotiable than I thought.

    I am generally not highly attracted to black men, but I am attracted to B1, who I am currently dating. He’s an artist, and a musician. He’s a serious dad to his 4 year old daughter.

    But we have a major conflict in core values — partly spiritual, and partly cultural. I don’t want to raise my daughter with him.

    I see him as someone I enjoy, but not long-term guy.

    Everyone’s a package, and I’m just opening my mind, dating “imperfect” men, and trusting the process.

    Hope this helps.



  409.  #409amy on February 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    @406 how do you let go of the outcome? That is probably the hardest thing for me to do. Oh and I made friends with my girls for the suer bowl so we are all set with that hehe =)



  410.  #410Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    @244 Buttery —

    There’s a couple of things that weed does for you.

    1. It lowers your filters and your inhibitions.

    2. It makes you more psychic. This is going to depend on your innate level, but I’m pretty strongly intuitive without it — with it, I can tell you all kindsa things that are going on inside of you.

    3. It increases sex drive and physical sensation.

    I find that I can “connect into” my partner while high in a way that I can’t when I’m not. I feel him emotionally, spiritually, physically — it’s a much stronger union than sex by itself.

    I haven’t ever studied Tantric Sex, but I imagine this heightened awareness is part of it.

    I was so blocked up that I couldn’t have sex at all. It was not until I started smoking pot and having high sex that I was able to begin having sex at all. This was when I was nearly 30.

    Then I got pregnant with my daughter, and spent another 7 years celibate and raising her. I’m making up for it now!

    I don’t currently have a partner who’s comfortable with the weed/sex combo. In that case, I just don’t push it.



  411.  #411Lena on February 3, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Hallo, girls!

    Advice needed. My guy wants to be friends and still talk, but I still have feelings for him and hopeful. How to be in such situation and is there a way things can turn around?



  412.  #412Lucy on February 3, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Thanks, Lisi. That sounds like how I used to date in college. Reading what you wrote, I realized that if I didn’t have kids, or if they were completely out of the nest, I would probably date a lot more not-the-one guys just for fun and companionship.



  413.  #413Eternity on February 3, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    260 Andi

    Ugh, isolation is the worst part of this failed LDR for me as well. So many of my friends have moved on over the last 18m.

    Trying to reconnect is taking time and then they want to know why. I don’t want to have to explain. Still too painful.



  414.  #414tinque on February 3, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    SLV- “I’m not looking for hen-pecked or servile. I’m looking for man who steps up to please me and doesn’t have to be told what to do.

    And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature…a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!”

    This is K.

    And I want to include Lucy in this as well. A masculine energy man still has a feminine side, can love the arts and be sweet and cuddly. He has the primary qualities of masculine energy, yet can be an in my opinion needs to be deeply in touch with his feminine.

    So in answer to you question, SLV has it right, he does indeed use his feminine energy with you but being sensitive to his environment, to you, by being kind, considerate, and compassionate, especially with you, by being able to cry with you, and more.

    Helpful?

    xxoo



  415.  #415Lori on February 3, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Amy,

    I don’t know how to explain it, you just have to change your mindset. If a CD guy calls you, you have to realize at that moment he is just calling you. Maybe to set up a date, maybe not. Maybe because he’s thinking about you and misses you, maybe because he’s bored, lonely or horny. Forget all of the why and expectation of him setting up a date and just enjoy talking to him in the moment. Concentrate on how his voice sounds, how you feel, what he’s saying. Don’t think beyond that to “when is he going to ask me out?” etc. Just be in the moment and don’t expect or even think about an outcome. It takes practice for sure, but it’s liberating and empowering not to mention tells you things about the guy you may not be paying attention to if you’re concentrating on the outcome.



  416.  #416amy on February 3, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    lori you did an excellent job explaining it…this helped so much. Thank you! =)



  417.  #417Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Wow Lori!

    You ROCK!

    That sounds fantabulous.



  418.  #418Violet on February 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Would someone please provide feedback on my post? It is number#392.

    I feel so discouraged right now. I would appreciate receiving one suggestion that has provided positive results.

    Any support is very much welcome. I feel like we are all ‘in this together’. Some have more experience than others and could provide insight.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

    ~ Violet ~



  419.  #419Eternity on February 3, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    383 Andi *hugs* So sorry



  420.  #420LittleDoc on February 3, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    #396
    Lori – Tonight you’re my hero!!!
    Yay you!!! :-))



  421.  #421Eternity on February 3, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Lori 396

    Sounds like such an awesome night all around.

    But “Yes, I’ve had guys like CancerGuy who told me he had 6 months to live and shaved his head and eyebrows to try to get me to spend time with him when he was actually getting married in 6 months”

    I’m stunned, I’ve lived such a sheltered life.



  422.  #422LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    ¡Aïe mamita linda!
    ¡Cómo extraño aquel tiempo!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/tasb1998#p/u/4/2cehkSxOLNA

    xxx



  423.  #423LittleDoc on February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    #261
    SLV – Thank you! It was quite an accomplishment considering that I studied through the break up with C and I was heartbroken… It’s amazing to see you’ve done well when in your head you were sure to have failed!!! 🙂

    #257
    FW – I hope I don’t come as a disappointment to you but I ended up not talking to C today… Thing is, he was in a hurry, we were on the cell phone and I was in a Starbucks, I was still very hyped from the exams and my only feelings were of happiness and achievement so the only thing I said to him was that I felt ecstatic about some great news and would have told him everything on the w/e when I’ll see him. I was rather chirpy but today I wasn’t faking it, I felt like he really didn’t matter!!!! For the 1st time I kept the convo to 3 minutes and then I said I had to go, and I wasn’t playing a game… I was out celebrating and felt like he was taking up my celebration time with his complaining about work… hahaha… how weird is that when you really get into the frame of mind of not being hung up on the outcome they feel it!!! he wanted to keep me talking but I said goodbye…
    Meanwhile though I did my homework and came up with a draft for what I want to tell him, after all I want an answer about this ex he has apparently been contacting (provided he has and she isn’t trying to pull one on me – also, you’ll be happy to know that I have blocked her email address so I won’t be having any more conversations with her at all!)
    So here are my attempts at a talk trough FMs… Please dissect it as you like because I still have no idea of what I’m doing…
    “I feel very excited about sharing this success with you (my exam results) I have worked very hard to get there… Also, the thought of you being proud of me feels very nice.
    …space to let him say whatever he thinks…
    There is also something else I wanted to talk to you about but I feel a bit scared about mentioning it.
    I have been contacted by your ex in Germany and she told me she received a message from you asking to meet her when you next fly there… I feel hurt by this…
    What do you think?
    When we last talked I told you that I would have not kept anything from you anymore so I feel this is the right thing with you as I don’t feel comfortable in pretending that she never wrote and I feel that I owe you trust and that’s my choice.
    What do you think?”
    And then I guess I’ll just go with the flow and see what he tells me…
    I feel so drained by this situation, I just want a peaceful relationship where I don’t have to worry constantly about my man wondering around…
    Maybe I should just tell him to go his way… hm…



  424.  #424Tmizz on February 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Hi Violet ~ re #392

    I so feel your pain. Only I don’t know if I’m “qualified” to give you any advice. And I really don’t know if this is going to help you or not, but for what it’s worth, what you wrote helped *me* a lot, just reading it. Because you described exactly how I’m feeling today! Except for one thing, which is that I’m 30, and you’re probably sitting there, thinking, “Girl, you got your whole life ahead of you!” But I’ve also got what feels like a lifetime behind me, too, and a lot of mistakes and stumbles and missed opportunities. And a lot of feeling and being a “powerless” woman. A “powerless” person, actually, and I’m just starting to see it in a lot of ways. I guess just like you are.

    Which I guess just means that this is an opportunity for us to find the power that we already have! That is what I think this stuff is about, anyway, and I feel like I am challenged by doing this all the time.

    I suppose probably the best thing I can say about what you are going through is that the only reason you are feeling this way is because you can see it clearly now, whereas before, you couldn’t. So that’s progress! At least that’s how I’m choosing to see it for myself. And I think it doesn’t matter where you are in your life. Once you can see it, then you can change it, by taking lots of little “baby steps” – which is a lot less scary than trying to take it on all at once. But believe me, I have that problem, too, and I am hard on myself as well, and I know it doesn’t work to say, “stop doing that,” so I won’t! But you probably don’t have to do it any more than I do.

    And also, for anyone out there, I believe in love at any age. Of course, I’d like to get married in the next year to 18 months and start a family. But I watched a good family friend, who had been a bachelor all his life, get married in his 60’s to a woman, also in her 60’s, and it was the first marriage for both of them. She and I are very close, and I know she’s been through a lot. But they are like two happy love birds. So I don’t think any of us need to give up, ever!!

    (pep talk for myself as well as any one else… 🙂 )



  425.  #425Eternity on February 3, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    392: Violet says:
    “I’m stressed about everything. I’m going to be 55 and I feel like I don’t know diddly squat about dating and social interaction with men. ”
    ===

    I just wanted to say I feel the same way. I’ve just been told to do what feels good for me and to look after myself.

    Maybe some of the more experienced goddesses here have practical words of advice. I just wanted to offer a few words of support.



  426.  #426Tmizz on February 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    BTW – LonePlum:

    I LOVE those little glimpses into the men’s dating advice! Where did you get those?

    I like the “Girlfriend Stealers Handbook” (seriously? Yeah, they’re serious.)

    But this is my favorite:

    “It’s all about HER, no more YOU.”

    I wish more guys could take that advice!!!!



  427.  #427LittleDoc on February 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    #392
    Violet – Sorry for taking so long in answering, sooo many posts on this site…hehe…
    I may not be the best to give you feedback because I have just started working as myself as a siren but I’ll tell you what I have been taught so far…
    The best thing that you can do for yourself is working on your self esteem… I realize that maybe the idea of Circular dating may sound weird but trust me, it works wonders.
    Internet dating sites are great places to start interacting with men, even if you take a little bit of time to get into the communication flow every interaction is an opportunity to build on your self-esteem and practice your technique…
    I guess the basic principles that it’s the foundation of everything is that if you love ourself and realize the great worth you have all the rest will come naturally as a consequence
    Someone who is aware of how great they are won’t start a chase, they will expect to be chased, expect to be courted, expect to be adored
    You will make mistakes, it’s inevitable because what you learn here goes against everything you possibly will have been ding till now (that’s what happened to me at least!!!) but every mistake is a lesson you learn and the more you learn the better you get at it!
    The fact that you and W are similar is neither good nor bad, it just is…
    Lean back, smile, be feminine, listen carefully, don’t ever give an opinion, don’t judge, don’t complain, don’t offer a solution… just be a siren.
    And most of all don’t expect ANYTHING… when you don’t have expectation it’s a lot more difficult to get hurt because you’re not hoping for anything…
    Love yourself, pamper yourself, let W see that OMG you’re amazing and he will follow!!!
    Rori ends her book with an amazing sentence that i have printed and blown up and it’s on my wall now… Practice being adored and you will be… Now, that’s a lesson!
    Hope this helps a bit… Please don’t feel bad, we’re all here to help! :-))



  428.  #428Lori on February 3, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Little Doc,

    Thanks for the compliment! I think what I carried away from this more than anything is that even if I do go back to being my paranoid, obsessive self tomorrow, that’s OK too. As my dad always says, “this too, shall pass.” Good things pass and leave us sad and heartbroken, but then the bad things pass and we heal and the good things come around again. It’s a continual cycle, which is why it’s so important to live in the moment and let go of the outcome…

    I love myself and all of my feelings now, and the one thing I’ve learned is that I can’t make a guy like me any more than he can make me like him. I may be a great girl and he may be a great guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s MY great guy or I’m HIS great girl. If he comes into my life for a reason, I have to pay attention to what that reason is, a lesson, an experience. For a blink of an eye or for forever or anywhere in between. And when it passes, I have to let it go and be ready for the next cycle…

    The cool thing about last night is that I never planned to either stick to or break my no sex boundary. I never planned to have any feelings towards him, either positive or negative. I never planned for him to say, do or feel anything about me in any way. I never planned anything at all. I just allowed myself to go, be open, receive and stay in the moment and let the evening progress however it was going to and however it felt good and natural to me. I can’t believe how much pressure it took off of me and how much I was able to relax!



  429.  #429LonePlum on February 3, 2011 at 5:48 pm


  430.  #430Lisi on February 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Violet —

    Boy do I hear you. I’m about to turn 40, have never been married, have had a couple of relationships last 6 – 9 months, and have never been long-term with anyone.

    There are times I really get down on myself. Part of my trouble was that I considered myself irredeemably ugly for most of my life. Fat, unattractive, etc…. I

    That has all changed for me in the past year, and if you saw pics of me you’d wonder if I had my head screwed on straight that I thought that.

    Part of what changed it for me was that I got feedback. I put pics out there, and had people respond.

    I started to get a lotta feedback from a lotta guys. That’s what really made the difference for me. I think that CD-ing is really where it’s at.

    You can do Rori’s “body painting” exercise, as well. That one’s really nice. Pretend you love yourself. Imagine what it would feel like if you loved yourself, valued yourself, etc…. Inundate yourself with that feeling. Do it on purpose and do it often.

    And — get out there. Get responses. Get talking to men, hearing them, seeing them respond to you.

    You can do this thing!



  431.  #431Darling Ella on February 3, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Violet:

    Did you read Rori’s ebook yet? Many of your answers are there 🙂 It is an awesome start 🙂

    Rori states in the ebook that in a relationship one needs to assume the masculine role…and the other the feminine role (you can’t have both)…Both having “strong personalities”, hmm…sounds to me like masculine energy…

    Question: Which role feels good to u? This is always a good start to work on creating the relationship you want…What do u think?

    Warm hugs,



  432.  #432LittleDoc on February 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    #428
    Lori – Even better