A Note From The Universe About Anger and Resentment

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puzzleI just got this in my mailbox (I love these Notes From the Universe – you can get yours at www.Tut.com).

Resentment, anger, and impatience, Rori, all have their place. Actually, they’re absolutely priceless, revealing to those who feel them that there are still a few pieces of life’s puzzle they’ve overlooked.

The Universe

Rori, they’re gifts, like everything else.

This is just so the core of what we’re doing…instead of judging everything and clamping down and trying to “improve” and “get it right” — we just treat everything as a messenger, as a gift – and use EVERYTHING to FEEL GOOD.

Really — we have to see all this as a “party.” There is no other way to look at our lives without falling into despair, and despair is hardly ever productive. Even when there’s pain and weirdness…accepting it, going into it, discovering the messages and lessons in it, going deeper, deeper, deeper…that’s the way to total happiness.woman-with-puzzlepiece

Love, Rori


  1.  #1tinque on September 14, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    In death there is rebirth or renewal or tremendous growth…

  2.  #2Cassandra on September 14, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Rori…I so appreciated this message today. It is so funny how things come at the very time that we need them! I have been feeling really angry, bitter and resentful about my whole situation with Charles……and also feeling so wishy washy and questioning things…things in my own head and heart. Part of me does still love him and then part of me at times can’t wait to get away from him when he is in ‘abuse mode’. I feel so undecided…..so unclear and undirected and pretty much UN everything that can get me to where I need to beif that made any sense to anyone I give you much credit! LOL I feel like laughing one minute and excited about my future the next and then the next minute I can’t stop crying and feeling so broken that things are so so far from where they were before and right after I moved here. part of me so deeply wants that GOOD part back. I have been wondering lately if Charles has been acting this way because he has had nearly NO WORK! He has been home more than I have lately and I am building my business! HE has had a MAXIMUM of 1 trip a week which is down from 3 or 4 a week to MAYBE 1. Is that the reason for his abusive behavior? i was ao angry yesterday when he came home from church and apologized to me for his horrible emotional and verbal abuse on Sat. night and yesterday morning and I couldn’t help feeling that he went to church…..got a does of conviction….came home and apologized to ‘get the guilt off of himself’ only to turn around and be the same abusive man only free of guilt now because he apologized. It didn’t phase me at all and his words meant nothing. I feel like I am in a washing machine moving back and forth all day long from bright, excited and happier/ lighter emotions to dark, painful, scary and ugly emotions and sometimes I feel like I can’t grab onto anything and ‘hold on’. Did that make a bit of sense to anyone out there? So…. how do I figure out which part of the puzzle I have overlooked? or am I overlooking it or trying to still see the best of it? or is that all really the same thing? Am I all in my head right now?

  3.  #3alias girl on September 14, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    cassandra! i feel so happy you are still around the island!

    yae! i feel your progress since when you first came. Even in the comment above i can feel progress.

    i know the more i focus on myself and use rori’s tools and use honest feeling messages the better my life gets. i feel supportive of you.

  4.  #4Daria on September 14, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Cassandra – I was thinking of you today before you posted. I thought about how brave you were that you went and found a place for yourself alone… this had inspired me to find my own place, even if it’s on a month to month basis, if I can get one month rent’s down I think I will get the next month. It was thinking of you that inspired this idea.

  5.  #5Ann on September 14, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Hope to be able to catch up tomorrow.

  6.  #6Tracy on September 14, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Thank you Rori,
    I have been feeling angry a lot lately over someone who owes me money….releasing all that anger and trusting that everything will be okay and that somehow i will recover the money and even have more to use for my own need has been a challenge but i feel glad for this experience because i was able to relax my mind and now i consider the situation as a lesson well learnt and i will not dwell on it much….i feel freed of my anger and impatience and i am using this opportunity to free myself of my own limited beliefs of always being victimized by others.
    So for today i am going to be happy and trust the universe to bring good things to my life…

  7.  #7Nick Ejilah on September 15, 2009 at 12:54 am

    Relaxation is a good way to calm your self and control your anger more. Through this you’ll improve more as a person.

  8.  #8tina on September 15, 2009 at 1:57 am

    I’m learning the Art of Apology blah…

  9.  #9tina on September 15, 2009 at 1:58 am

    Welcome back Cassandra!

  10.  #10tina on September 15, 2009 at 2:29 am

    When I’m feeling resentment, what was the wronge commited? was it imaginary or true? How did the wrong offend me
    personal relationship?
    sexual realationship?
    Then I look at my part in the resentment that I feel.

    it’s part of a 12 step program, i work in a facility where I can do that. tools and more tools, I love it!

    I realized today that I allow myself to get close to love, just not allowing myself to be loved or feel love. I feel I dont deserve love at all. I allow myself to get around it , close to it, see it but not the whole shebang. I feel acceptable enough to be close to it, thats it. Like a party I wasnt invited to but enjoying the benefits from outside, sitting outside looking in, hearing the music, good times, mingling, dancing, I feel happy for the party goers, I’m actually celebrating along, alone , i feel pitiful lol. sheesh. All from a phone conversation I had with a man about Elizabeth Taylor and her many husbands. “He” made a comment about her being a bitch or whore becuase she couldnt or didnt feel satisified with one husband blah. I said to him well if you feel that way about her husbands then I’ve slept with more men than she had husbands, so how will you be judging me?. We havnt gone on a date yet, he lives 2000 miles away, the rates are cheap, his dime, i dont care. It would cost 249.oo dollars for coffee and an event , his dime of course. We actually have pretty good convos up until Elizabeth Taylors men. He didnt make me feel this way, it just triggered my feelings of worthlessness and not deserving of love. I called him a dumbass, I know I shouldnt have, it just came out. He said he still wants me to come out , I told him the choice is not his to make about whether i came out or not. I told him not to call me for now, I feel to bad. I said I feel awful, I feel bad, he asked why, I said Im curious about how he thinks about Elizabeth Taylors men and what would he think if he knew my numbers lol. I said I wouldnt divulge that info to him but since he is also looking for his “forever after” then if that is an issue then he has every right to be curious , i suppose.

    I said to him I need time to feel ok and we will talk some more maybe?

  11.  #11tina on September 15, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Another one of my ‘dates” showed up again. We had a disagreement about who was going to pay for our next night out “if ever there was going to be one” I told him how I felt about it, killing the romance and all, he left in a huff, never to be heard from again lol, anyway, while I was having the discussion by phone concerning E.T’s men, he pops up on my messenger ugh! “Long time no see he says.” I didnt respond for about a half hour, I was in the middle of this situation with possible 9 hr. flight date for coffee and event. Anyway I finally said hi to him, but not before he logged off. Oh hell!

  12.  #12Mercedes on September 15, 2009 at 7:04 am

    Cassandra: When I read your posts, I see you happiest when you are focused on your independence and saddest when you focus on Charles. I see you excited (even if that means anxious at the same time) when you talk about moving to your own place and building your own business and I see you afraid when you talk about Charles coming home and being home. I see you growing when you talk about your future without him and I see you clinging and wishing when you talk about your future with him.

    I would love nothing more than to see you happy, excited (even if anxious) and growing all the time. Are you still moving out of Charle’s house? I hope so, because I felt your strength and courage when you originally made that decision…and the only time I hear your fear is when he talks to you.

    Much Love,

  13.  #13No Blliss on September 15, 2009 at 9:05 am

    Cassandra, my heart goes out to you.. We may not have the same problem, but reading about how things are going in your life, makes me wonder WHY..

    Why do we all have to have such a diffucult time., In love..

    Why is life always so challenging..

    Why do we always have to learn such hard lessons

    Thinking of you .

  14.  #14Aminata on September 15, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Hi Rori,

    you recently sent out an email talking about making men “work” for us. I am a complete stranger to that concept. can you expand on that in an article. it will help a lot!

  15.  #15gina on September 15, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    The guy that I am luvin has been working non-stop for the last several days, and I haven’t seen him in a week and a half. I am surprised at how I feel eager to see him, but not needy or freaked out. And I’m able to express it to him. In the past, I felt super scared of letting a guy know that I like him or miss him – I thought it made me weak. but this feels good. He had told me we might be able to hang out last Sunday, but then Sunday came and he texted me that he wasn’t sure when he was going to get out of the office and that we may have to reschedule 🙁 and I said “sad face”. and he said “I know! And I’ve been working all weekend :(” and I said “bummer babe! I been missing you . i can’t wait to see you” and that was like whoa for me – it was true and vulnerable, but not weak. and he said “I know – I was really looking forward to seeing you…” etc. And today he updated me that he finishes his project late tonight and that he hopes we can get together soon. and i was like “i hope so too. xoxo.” this is so fun. I feel soft and easy going and effortless. I’ve hardly been feminine and sweet with a man. Never ever done the “xoxo” business, but it feels far more true than any way that I’ve been with men in the past. wild. and I don’t know if it’s “working” in terms of it “getting” the man, the “results” are that I do feel a great connection with him, and I feel good in general. It feels so good to not be worrying about how to get his attention or make him happy. In the meantime i’m getting my flirt on with other guys, but i’m luvin this one the very most.

  16.  #16Ann on September 15, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    I like this quote—–I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. Marilyn Monroe

  17.  #17Daria on September 15, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    I went to the Toastmaster’s meeting and announced my new business… and put my flyers up for people to look at! They looked at them during the break!!

    Also one woman chatted with me in the bathroom and was impressed by my GMAT score and said she would recommend me!

    I feel inspired to make new cards stating my GMAT score for credibility and wow factor.

    Also she said my cards were really professional!

    Also I felt really open and less judging of people. yay. I really have opened since this healing stuff.

  18.  #18Daria on September 15, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    It’s weird, because I didn’t realize before how much pain I had. I thought everyone was like that. Like when ppl write in books and songs… “oh i was staring at the rain on my window” I assumed they we feeling that deep pain, wanting to sob and feeling heartbroken in the world, the aloneness… just like I would feel. I thought it was normal.

    Just the other day though, I was looking at the rain on my car window and I realized… I felt so calm. I felt peaceful. Just rain, me and feeling well, comfortable.

    The underlying heartbreak behind each and every moment of my life is healed now. It’s just healed. I don’t really feel like crying desperately at love songs, or the idea of losing something. Shoot I don’t even feel painful saying goodbye to people or feel clingy… or feel like I must be the last one to say goodbye.

    I’ve cried out floods and floods of grief and it really healed.

    My life really healed. Really. I feel kinda tight and teary.
    There is more to heal, but THAT that THAT that used to make me ME, that used to be MY PAIN the everpresent everbehind the scenes EVER EVER threatening to have me sob when i’m not paying attention pain is not there. It’s quiet, healed ok. And it happened fast.

    In my belief system there ARE quick fixes. I allow them in my experience and my life. No matter what anyone says, even if they are trying to be helpful, or wether they are amazing healers. There ARE quick fixes. Just like that. Fast, easy and clean. And scarless.

    I healed a scar on my eye that everyone thought would be there forever. From this girl biting me. lol. TMI. But i healed it fast. You can’t tell it’s there. Scarless, not painful, no need for reminders. And fast.

  19.  #19Tracy on September 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Today i realized that i have 2 beliefs similar but affecting different circumstances in my life…The first one is that my sister is incapable of taking care of herself.I have had so many fights with her over almost everything and carried with me for such a longtime a deep resentment all because i thought that i had to care for her because otherwise she wouldn’t make it….The last fight was a wake up call for me and thinking about it deeply has made me realize i judge everything she does even before she opens her mouth to speak…i am always thinking ….now i have to sort this out for her once again..she just can’t do it by herself…
    It feels a great relief just to let that all go and trust that she can take care of herself and that she’s responsible and wise…i know i have to retrain my mind to think differently but i already feel the big shift in perceptive…
    The second belief was that i had to marry the man i first had sex with….it just so happened that the first one was engaged to someone else…This one has been a torture for me honestly…and i feel that my conscious mind has thought of all the countless possibilities to maintain this reality and i realize that now it really was just pointless…What would make me feel happy and content would be with someone who is committed to spending his life with me…and honestly that has nothing to do with sex…
    its amazing how all the answers to the deepest of queries lies within and not without…..it always starts with me…

  20.  #20alias girl on September 16, 2009 at 12:32 am

    daria xoxo hug xoxo



    i felt lovey and juicy reading your comment.

    YES to quick fixes! YES to cell regeneration WHICH HAPPENS ON ITS OWN and we get in the way of it and put things in an unhealthy holding pattern.

    YES to abundance and riches and wealth and happiness and true love and great sex and good times and vitality and enthusiasm and acceptance and feeling fine and feeling good and knowing i am well i am loved i am adored i am healthy i am magnetizing all my wishes coming true and YES TO FASHION and YES to music

    and i was thinking i might join a band.

    or sing songs. or write songs. or something. I’m not sure. it just has been all up in my face the last three days like DO THIS ALIAS GIRL YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO


    YES to happiness. yes to living the life of my dreams. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes YES!

    Thank you for the shift that has occured within me. Thank you for helping me focus on what I like and want and what feels good. Thank you for shifting my personality to one that is easier to like and get along with.

    thank you. for. a lovely. day. today.

  21.  #21Daria on September 16, 2009 at 12:53 am

    Alias Girl! your band reminded me… I was SINGING in the car today… and i just kept going, because I sounded good. I sounded kind of on tune. And my song was DEEP. It was about real love. and it wasn’t cliche! it was sooo real and i sounded good.

    When i was little this music teacher told me and my mom I didn’t have an ear (ie tone deaf). Not true.

    But since then I remember that and I have a hard time singing on key. Although I know I can cuz i have done it caroling before.

    Also I had a friend who was really good at singing, and I felt kinda jealous. I didn’t really feel encouraged by her to try it.

    But now I actually sounded good to myself, in my raspy sounding almost whisper but Good. And my song was really powerful and heartfelt.

    It was about love, and I sang to a man, I sang about what I wanted, and about realness. ohh I want to be able to do this, confidently.

    They said I couldn’t dance either, but I CAN. I know I can because when i DO i do.

    so that made me think of getting voice lessons. theres a couple of voice teachers I found that were interesting, about feeling. One of them was interviewed by Rori, and I liked her, mostly. I didn’t like how she said women have to be Spongy. I mean yes that’s pretty but sometimes we can be sleek and beautiful too, we don’t have to be big bodied and spongy. I don’t like limitations. I felt triggered by that. I see how spongy is appealing to men, and I don’t know I got a dismissive feeling a little bit tho. but hey. triggers are good for healing.

    so yeah there is someone who does that kind of vocal work here in the bay area too, and im going to check her out.

    speaking of triggers, i felt mega triggered when I read from Linda that she felt encroached upon by people with different values and lifestyles regarding the gunshots. I felt instantly defensive and judged, like oh no she means people like me! I felt really angry, but it wasn’t specifically at Linda, it was at people judging and feeling judged. There is a lot for me to heal there. I felt totally one sided, like removed and pitted against, judged labeled and forced to fight for my right to exist, and also like attacking and overcoming all those who oppose me. It didn’t really feel good.

    also AG sometimes I feel left out when I read you saying something like I went to my favorite store or did my favorite hobby, and then I don’t hear what the store is… I’m like oh no I want to know but I feel like I must not be good enough to be included, to be “in the know”… which is why I felt happy recently because you shared something like taht that was your favorite something and I don’t recall what, but you shared it, and I felt good. This is of course totally MY trigger. Not my attempt to pressure Alias Girl. Working on the blog, for healing.

  22.  #22Karen on September 16, 2009 at 1:29 am

    Aminata, I can give you my take on what Rori meant about men “working” for us if you’d like. I feel that she meant a man has to feel like he has accomplished something by getting a certain woman to pay attention to him, date him, make love to him, marry him, etc. That if she falls into an exclusive relationship without getting a real commitment or chases him like he were the prize, her value (to him) equals the bargain barrel at the Salvation Army store. Whereas if she continues to circular date and keeps her options open, he will have to “work” harder to impress, win and keep her which makes her (to him) the equivalent of that Maserati he’s been trying to win the lottery to buy. Degree of Difficulty. Hope this helps.

  23.  #23alias girl on September 16, 2009 at 2:01 am

    this bloggy siren island rocks! karen i felt awesome reading your response.

    definitely circular dating raises the value in a man’s eyes. remember sat nite i met the guy who i eventually sprayed spit on from my straw. right that guy. the cute young guy who is really really sweet. (we talked on the phone today and i am meeting him tomorrow)

    well right after meeting him i ran into some guy who pretends he wants to date me but never really does much about it (i actually do not want to date him as i feel he is girly and i can kind of push him around — i don’t but i know i could) anyway i saw him in the book store and i said oh you’re too late. i’ve already met the love of my life. he’s like ‘when?’

    i said about twenty minutes ago.

    and i ended up hanging out with guy #2 the rest of the night and he must of brought up the other guy about a dozzen times. i felt quite the goddess.

    but guys like it when you are a wanted goddess.

    daria hahaha i don’t feel worried about singing out of tune because i am going to sing pop music and they have something called autotune that fixes it (and makes the voice sound like a robot if they use it too much.) but hey i don’t care crank it up and call me alias girl roboto i don’t care

    ya hear? i don’t care. plus i figure i can just tap into the all of all and get a direct line and download a good voice or something. i don’t know. it will work itself out. i have a direct line to dead rockk stars and they will help me.:)

    the sooops


    the store i was in is called pink ice or pink icing or something. it’s like a glamourpuss cute trendy affordable fashions store. kinda like forever 21 but i don’t really like the clothes in forever 21. but i do in pink ice. i mean favorite because i can actually go there and buy stuff

    it’s not like their clothes are hipper than bebe

    but bebe is just

    well i’m vibrating at the level of bebe and anthropologie (is tht the name of that store?)

    yes i am vibrating at a very abundant frequency so i could go purchase their whole fall line if i so desire including their workout wear

    but still i like the pink ice. i am stuck in my twenties what can i say.

    and my new hobbie is bgirling or as people know it – breakdancing.


    i leave out the details because they are fun and exciting for me but i could go off on tangents on this stuff and i feel fearful of getting off course on why goddesses visit the island.

    but maybe people want to hear about how i did three headpsins tonight and am trying to learn toprock. no? haha. didn’t think so.

  24.  #24Daria on September 16, 2009 at 3:20 am


    Alias GIRL!!!

    My mouth is wide open!

    That is sooo cooooooollllll… bREAK DANCING!!!


    I REALLY REALY REALLY want to hear about it ! yes!!!

    I feel so honored that you shared that omgod!!!



    i feel a little embarassed now.. omgosh… that felt thrilling!


    sooo guys are tryna circular date me but they’re not getting past my new boundaries of leaning back.

    Like the guys tryna guilt trip me like it was my birthday and then im like hapy birthday and theyre like whatever… and im like I feel mad… and theyre like ok and dont say anything

    or… the one who seemed nice, too nice kinda wimpy , who wanted to take me out to yoghurt but tehn he wanted me to drive 30 minutes to meet him. and i said no. I don’t want to drive out of my area…

    so he’s like I don’t know your area real well what are is good for ya?

    and im like … uhhh what do you mean? downtown is good for me… that is between 3rd and b street

    and he says… where is that at… how about (town we both know that is 45 minutes away)

    and I said… I’m not going to be there tomorrow. This is starting to not feel good


    ok I haven’t really been on a date but I feel so open and good. I feel glad that I’m saying no to men so I can say YES yes YES hehehe….

    I’ve said no to a bunch, like not called back people without messages, not talked to annoying internet people… (told an internet guy I dono who keeps inviting me there and says he’ll drive me back…

    I don’t feel interested in dating a man I have to drive to, honestly

    and then he said ouch

    but i didn’t say anything. Cuz ouch doesn’t feel like it requires a response from me (anymore).

    so yay. also I noticed a guy who sortof doesn’t date me but talks to me (hes taken me on a couple of dates, sporadically, but he lives in city and even though has good income doesnt need car in city), but doesnt invite me much, totallynot my type, gets on my nerves etc,

    but anyway he started telling me about another girl… and I wasn’t feeling bothered really…

    I shared with him that I don’t really feel attracted to him that way

    especially when I hear about other women…

    I said I just feel like friend… buddy, pal.

    which is true hehe!


    Yay for totally NOT FEELING pulled to drive or make an effort to meet these men. Like are you kidding me? I’m way too chill here… I’m working on my biz, doing important and cool stuff, and being a Goddess…

    WHY WOULD I DRIVE TO YOU?? that would be ridiculous, like me going way out my life to go there,,, like driving two miles to throw away the garbage when i have a garbage can behind my house! lol

    wow nice garbage analogy Daria, where did that come from lol

  25.  #25Erika on September 16, 2009 at 8:11 am

    When I coach guys, I do my best to get them away from the ideas of “high value” and “low value” among people because it ends up being counterproductive for them. They are constantly comparing themselves to other men, and it’s not a stable base for them. I teach them to recognize the spiritual equality in everyone.

    I feel the same discomfort with this idea of “making men work for us.” From my perspective, it has nothing to do with how hard he works. It has to do with how much fear of intimacy we are willing to unload from ourselves so that he can easily come close to us.

    What is it I don’t like about this concept? I guess it feels impersonal to me, like us vs. them, and like a manipulation of men. Also it doesn’t feel true to me. Love attracts love. The only thing in the way of our natural magnetism is any remaining guilt, shame, fear, that we haven’t yet cleared out. When we clear that stuff out, men effortlessly move closer to us. That’s my take anyway.

  26.  #26Erika on September 16, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Practicing some radical honesty here, I feel the same discomfort with the idea of “out-girling” another woman. For me at least, any sort of comparing myself with other women is counterproductive and painful. Other women will simply disappear from the romantic picture when we clear out enough of our own fear of intimacy.

  27.  #27gina on September 16, 2009 at 10:38 am

    In terms of making a man work for me, I feel bad when I am manipulative, but good when i completely lean back and LET him do all the work. Then I can be receptive, and even encouraging, but I don’t move towards him at all or help him at all. Then it’s like I’m LETTING him win the prize rather than excusing him from the effort and interfering with the romance for both of us. I read something from Christian Carter once where he talked about how men love football because they love the challenge of getting the ball across the field and in between the post thingies (I don’t watch football). They love the difficulty and they are excited when someone scores. If someone could easily score, they wouldn’t scream and get all wild. I’m realizing that I don’t have to “pretend” to be difficult. things are difficult enough as they are!! But I do want to accept my feelings and express them as best I can so that he can do the work to accommodate me and make me feel good. And when i express how good his effort feels, it’s like he’s successfully getting the ball across the field. And once he finally “scores” he’ll celebrate what he earned. And I’ll feel secure knowing that I didn’t “work” for him and that I barely “have” HIM. I’ll know that he worked so that he can “have” ME. And he continues to work to keep me.

  28.  #28gina on September 16, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I get how people are high/low value according to the silly dating game, but when it comes to true love, I think the only “value” that matters is that the individual value themselves enough to receive love.

  29.  #29Mercedes on September 16, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Erika: Your teaching on this confuses me. You say: “They are constantly comparing themselves to other men, and it’s not a stable base for them. I teach them to recognize the spiritual equality in everyone.” And “For me at least, any sort of comparing myself with other women is counterproductive and painful. Other women will simply disappear from the romantic picture when we clear out enough of our own fear of intimacy.”

    I think those statements are only true if your self-esteem is very low and you allow only negative “nasty voices” to rule those comparisons.

    I believe comparing ourselves to others can be very healthy. Other people inspire us. They show us qualities within ourselves we haven’t developed. An example would be my boss. She has this amazing strength and ability to use that strength to develop others and guide them along a very productive professional path. I see some of those qualities within myself, however, they are not developed in me to the extent they are developed in her. This is a comparison I make between the two of us. To benefit myself, by doing this, I see areas where I need to work and I’m able to do that. I see a side of myself that could be better (and I would not even know this side wasn’t developed unless I noted the difference between us) and I work hard to develop those traits. Healthy comparison.

    It’s a nice thought that we are all equal spiritually, that really isn’t the case. We are all spiritual in different ways and are on different points along our journeys. We are not and never will be all equal and in the same place at the same time. Even if we were, we are not all equal other ways. Rather than ignore these differences and make no comparisons and make no move to improve ourselves based on our perceptions of others, why not embrace those differences and learn from them?

    We all have things we need to work on and we all have the ability to grow and learn and improve ourselves. With healthy comparisons, we all have the ability to see exactly where that growth and improvement needs to take place within our own lives. Being different is what makes us beautiful.

    You also say: “I feel the same discomfort with this idea of “making men work for us.” From my perspective, it has nothing to do with how hard he works. It has to do with how much fear of intimacy we are willing to unload from ourselves so that he can easily come close to us.
    What is it I don’t like about this concept? I guess it feels impersonal to me, like us vs. them, and like a manipulation of men. Also it doesn’t feel true to me. Love attracts love. The only thing in the way of our natural magnetism is any remaining guilt, shame, fear, that we haven’t yet cleared out. When we clear that stuff out, men effortlessly move closer to us.”

    Again, I need to disagree (or at least ask for clarification). You seem to be saying anyone who hasn’t found love in their lives can blame it solely on their own fear of intimacy. We all have things going on and we do work for and with each other. That work is not hard, but it does exist and generally, it has nothing to do with a fear of intimacy. The work is both necessary and effortless.

    There are going to be times in our relationships when one person is down or having a hard time or whatever. We will effortlessly work hard to let them know we are here for them and will love them no matter what. Sometimes, it takes work to get that through to someone who is preoccupied with their own turmoil at that moment. If my J weren’t prepared or willing to work in our relationship, I doubt we would have lasted through any of our hard times, let alone all of them.

    It’s not manipulation or us vs them at all. It’s the same concept as you wanting a man who will pay for all your dates. You’re not manipulating him, you’re telling him what you need and he’s working to provide that for you. Effortlessly? I hope so. Work? Yes.

    Men and women are attracted to each other for a lot of reasons and I don’t believe we all have to be totally free of guilt or fears for that to happen. If being completely free of all guilt, shame and fear for a man to be magnetically drawn to us, then nobody will ever experience love (as we all have those things that need to be worked on and cultivated in our own lives) and certainly, nobody will be able to hold on to love (because our partners will lose their attraction for us at the first sign of something going wrong within ourselves).

    Even the most spiritually sound people of all will have those days when they are afraid or lost or hurting. I love knowing J will be there for me, work hard and hold true. I love knowing that I don’t have to be perfect within my own heart to keep his attraction. I love knowing I never had to be perfect to gain that attraction in the first place. I love knowing that whatever comes my way, he’s holding my hand and working through it with me.

    It saddens me to think you teach that emotional perfection and a complete loss of all negative emotions is the only way to have love in your life. It saddens me because I believe, if that is the case, you will never find it. If you and your partner are not both perfectly free of fear, guilt and shame…you will never love each other….and if you do manage to acheive it, unless you both stay that way always…you will never hold on to any love you may have had.

    I teaching I can better embrace is one that recognizes we can all be loved exactly the way we are right now…all of us. And we know we truly have that love when the person we are with wants to grow and change with us, walk us through the hard times (even if they include guilt, fear or shame), allow us to walk with them during their own setbacks and work with us every step of the journey to keep that love not just existing but growing as well.

    Much Love,

  30.  #30alias girl on September 16, 2009 at 11:28 am

    aw thanks daria. i feel really accepted and honored that you felt such enthusiasm. thank you. i actually feel a little shy. but i liked it.

    gina i feel happy you are in good times with a special man.

    i feel good being high quality. it just starts to come naturally. like the behavior i used to accept once felt natural. now good boundaries and a higher opinion of myslef feels natual.

    and the guy i met sat nite called no less than nine times but wouldn’t leave a message. sooooo i didn’t FEEL good to guess that it is probably him and go against what feels good and call him back. i felt bad to even consider doing it. whhen he called again i had been waiting for an important call so i picked up the phone. he said ‘i called you etc.’ i said ‘did you leave a message?l he said ‘no.’ i said ‘oh.’ i didn’t make him wrong. i didn’t ask him why not.

    i’ve had guys drop off because they called Once and didn’t leave a message and i didn’t return the call. wtf. i so don’t feel good being with that man. i just feel relieved not to be with a man like that.

    i feel good to be pursued. i am a hard goal to make. they have to get all the way across the field and there are obstacles. naturally. good god i don’t need to create false obstacles. just following my feelings seems to create enough natural ones.

    so the guy i am meeting today doesn’t have a car. is this part of my — what is the message? are these my own money blocks reflected back to me? is it feel ing unworthy of a man who has money? or maybe aman who has little money has to work harder to get a womanm. and i do feel good with a persistent hard working man than thinks i’m a godess.

    i feel good having just written that because that feels like part of it. but why do i keep attracting men in the past with tight fists? or no money? am i being reflected back my own issues with money? i feel confused?

    i feel grateful for my prosperity consciousness and the outpouring of financial abundance the world graces me with.

    oooh maybe i am judging men how i judge my own financial struggles. oh that feels kind of true.

    i love myself no matter how i am doing financially. especially since i know to be true that my financial situation is getting better and better everyday.

  31.  #31tinque on September 16, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Mercedes – Beautifully and articulately said. The only thing I would add is that there is a delightful perfection in our imperfections. It is exactly these “imperfections” that endear us to others.

  32.  #32Mercedes on September 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Tinque: Yes…I have “imperfections” (emotionally, physically, mentally) that are things J loves about me. They come and go with varying degrees of intensity, but they are there, they are a part of me, they are mine. I cry sometimes out of fear…J loves me for that and is still magnetically attracted to me…at times, that magnatic pull that brings us together is even stronger when I have those fears.

    Thank you for understanding.

    Much Love,

  33.  #33Cassandra on September 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    AG…..I felt your excitement that I am still here and I felt so loved and wanted AG. Thank you so much. I have missed you so much too. I have just been so busy working on my business nad getting rweady to move that I haven’t been able to post as much as I used to. Thank you so much for your wonderfully supportive comments…..they made me feel great and like I have perhaps come further than I even realize. That felt like a gift to me from you, thank you. 🙂

    OMG….Daria…..thank you so much for that! I feel so so excited for you to get your own place too!! I celebrate that with you! I do feel so afraid of moving but I also know that if I don’t my spirit will die….literally. I feel afraid but I also feel excited too. I feel such admiration for you and how hard you work on all of this stuff here and have always felt that you are such an inspiration to me so it feels so wonderful that I can inspire you as well. Thanks Daria. My business is up and running and I am so so excited about that…I don’t yet have any income BUT I feel that I will either before I move or very close to right after I move. For some reason…I just feel that it will be ok…..and when I think of your situation…I feel that same way. A friend told me that perhaps I don’t have any clients yet because me moving is a test to see if I am REALLY learning to trust myself and God. That hit me and I now believe that to be truth for me. I feel excited about that for you and for me!

    Tina….thanks for the warm welcome back!! I really have missed you all so much!! I can so deeply relate to what you said here…..
    “I realized today that I allow myself to get close to love, just not allowing myself to be loved or feel love. I feel I dont deserve love at all. I allow myself to get around it , close to it, see it but not the whole shebang.” Through my situation with Charles and all that has transpired I learned too that I have no clue how to be loved. I am great at LOVING but not at being loved. I feel a deep want and need to change this for my life and I feel so strongly that YOU deserve so much love and so many wonderful things being given and brought to you! I feel hopeful for both of us Tina!! Big Hugs to you!!

  34.  #34Cassandra on September 16, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Mercedes…..I have missed you too!!! I send you a big hug too!! Thank you too for sharing with me what you see. I felt alot of love and true care for my well being in your post, thank you for that. You are right in all of it. I do feel excited and afraid about getting my own place and yes…i am still moving on Oct 1st. I do feel afraid when he is either home or coming home….I feel the eggshells coming back even before he is backhome. I constantly feel afriad that I will say or do something wrong as he does criticize me for everything…..literally everything so yes…..I do feel fear around him and even before he gets home. I feel deeply sad that things turned out this way and can’t help feeling that I did something wrong to create all of this. Things were so good and we were so happy and I can’t for the life of me wrap my head around what I did wrong. Even he says it wasnt me but WTF?! Why the massive change in him? I am still feeling alot of unsettled-ness and unanswered questions around all of this and feel alot of fear that I will goof up anything in the future with a man but each time those thoughts come into my head, I try to get back to what feels good to me…that does not so I try to leave that thought alone where it stands and get to one that makes me feel good. I feel deep sadness though because I do still feel love for Charles and for the life that we were supposed to have. I feel a sense of greif and so much anger and hurt because he is acting like nothing ever even happened. This is what I meant when I said in another post that I feel afraid that my pot of soup is going to explode!

    Gina…..yay for you!!! I feel excited for you and for how far you have come and all of the beautiful things that are ahead for you!! 🙂 You too inspire me!!

    Daria….your post about healing brought tears to my eyes. I feel so so deeply close to you in that post and so so deeply proud of you. I want to hug you and teel you in personhow deeply proud I am of you. You are such an inspiration to me. I feel excited because I want to be where you are in your healing. right now, I feel that I am in that place of pain and hurt and dark but I also feel that I am on the verge of that same healing. I send you so much love.

    AG and Daria…I feel so thrilled that you want to sing!! I feel like celebrating that. When you are singing it connects your body physically to your spirit and I feel that Daria..that is what was happening when you were singing in the car! YAYAYYY!! This is so awesome!! When I sing….I havn’t really sing at all since moving here BTW….hmmmmm….something to think about isn’t it?! anyway….when I used to sing….I would lose all sense of anyone or anthing else being around and felt such peace and joy that was indescribable! Sing your hearts out!! xoxox

  35.  #35Cassandra on September 16, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Circular dating……Iam so struggling with this Sirens. I know that I NEED to get out there but I am not the least bit interested in this at all. I don’t want to talk to other guys or go out with anyone else. remember, my Mom talked me into signing up on Eharmony 2 months ago? Well I have gotten lots of requests to communicate and have not answered ONE! I feel like I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to. I don’t even want to talk to any other men. How do you get out of this and into circular dating? I feel emotionally exhausted even thinking about it. I don’t feel like giving one ounce of energy to another man whatsoever. I feel that i have nothing to offer them and that i don’t want to give them anything at all….even a response. There guys in the Salsa class that I teach now at my gym that are clearly interested but I don’t even want to talk to them other than about Salsa and even then I try to get out of there RIGHT after class so no one can talk to me. I feel like I want to hide and have nothing to offer anyone right now….how do you get past that to feeling like you want to at least try? I want to work on boundaries but don’t want to talk to anyone. I am thinking that it may not work to well that way!! LOL

    I feel so thankful to be back and this place feels like home to me….it feels like my safe place. I feel happy to be home at our island and thankful for each one of you.


  36.  #36Erika on September 16, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    Hmm … Mercedes, I feel very “projected upon” and not seen for what I was saying at all.

    I don’t think I said any of the things that you’re assuming I said (though I do appreciate that you left open the door for clarification).

  37.  #37alias girl on September 16, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    cassandra i feel so ecstatic that you are teaching salsa classes. really really. i feel sooo happy about that. baby steps. you are baby steppin’ along and for me i just try and love what i judge as a deficiency in myself.

    along the lines of what mercedes was saying…i don’t believe we ever really arrive as humans. i just continually expand my abilities and capacities and creativities.

    i used to never want to talk to people and yes looking back it had so much to do with me having poor boundaries. also for me i wasn’t great at telling the truth in my past. i only wanted to be nice and have people like me. WHICH SET ME UP BIG TIME to be abused, taken advantage of, bullied etc.

    the lack of boundaries, the lack of Speaking my Truth, coupled with this over compulsive need to be nice and have Everybody Like Me was really almost the death of me. Literally. Even in my redo that i had at my last job. Nearly KILLED me.

    but what doesn’t kill me makes me strong as diamonds.

    so anyway, cass, baby steps and self love. i feel supportive.

    mercedes that woman you described sounds really cool. like what a cool mentor/role model to have in that area of life. of course it makes sense that you would magnetize such a strong giving woman to you. eh hem. because you are similar.

  38.  #38gina on September 16, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    another thing about men working for us…I feel like it’s just natural for them to do the work. like, for instance this afternoon I was trying to install curtain ties and I managed to make multiple large holes in my wall. Then I was trying to fill the holes with plaster that’s supposed to be used for the bathroom. Then I was upset that the plaster is a different color from my wall. I was hoping for some help, opened the front door to my apartment, and lo and behold, the maintenance guys were right there. I asked them for help and they totally came to the rescue. I felt a little embarrassed that I made the holes – I’m pretty handy, but I just didn’t have the right tools and was trying to make do. I was trying to be “helpfull” when the maintenance guys were doing their thing, and then I remembered “lean back” – and then they almost seemed to appreciate that I let them work for me – like they were honored, almost. Maybe not honored – but they had more respect for me when I did nothing than when I was trying to be so helpful. I’ve noticed this dynamic a LOT. It just seems like some sort of natural law that men require work to even be men. If they’re not working, then I’m robbing them of the opportunity to be manly, is how it feels almost. Which was weird to discover, cause I was trying so hard to impress with my “ability” and strength. And I do take pride in my abilities – I’m just saying I feel like more of a woman when a man is working for me.

  39.  #39Erika on September 16, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    I still feel amused that AG does not acknowledge my existence on this blog but frequently posts right after me. it gives me a feeling of warmth and a smile.

  40.  #40Erika on September 16, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    It’s an attitudinal thing. I notice a very different vibe between my enjoyment and appreciation of men doing things for me (which they do all the time, in incredibly wonderful ways), as opposed to saying “he’s working hard to get me,” which feels in the head, analytical, and tense.

  41.  #41gina on September 16, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    I get the attitudinal difference (wow I didn’t know attitudinal was a word – but there’s no red dotted line!) If I’m in judgment mode, nothing feels real good, even if I’m coming to the conclusion that a man is behaving in a way that I deem satisfactory (I’m imagining myself behind a massive desk with a mallet “judging” things). I don’t think Rori was ever suggesting that we go into that mode. I got that she wanted us to enjoy feeling feminine by allowing men to pursue us and take care of us, and letting them “work” for us is one way to go about it.

  42.  #42gina on September 17, 2009 at 12:07 am

    AG and Cassandra thanks for the supportive comments. It does feel good to like a good man – whether it works with him long term, I love knowing that a funny smart successful man with compatible values actually exists – there must be more! AND I’m attracted to him – amazing. Cassandra I can TOTALLY relate to the lack of desire you feel for circular dating. I’ve absolutely felt that way about online dating, and I didn’t even have a man to absorb whatever energy I did have. My intuition is that maybe just small connections would be a good place to start – making eye contact with men on the street, smiling at them. It sounds like you are defensively closed off. I’ve felt that way. In my case, I was holding onto a fantasy relationship that totally wasn’t even happening and definitely wasn’t good. but by shutting out the world, it was like I shrunk the rest of my life to magnify this nothing relationship. I closed off other options thinking it was sort of romantic of me to be so “true” to him. But that certainly didn’t encourage him to value/respect me more, and it was a waste of time. And a waste of my Light, too. Does that relate to your experience?

    In your post, I don’t hear you saying that you are super open and meeting nice men, but they just don’t compare to how wonderful Charles makes you feel. I hear you saying that, when it comes to your relationship, a lot of the time you feel bad, and you close yourself off to the possibility of feeling better – that’s such a shame!! Your posts overflow with love and energy and goodness – you deserve to feel good. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to feel loved and cared for. I think that when you really decide that you are ready for a good thing, then your interest will be piqued in all men as you become available for the universe to deliver what you’ve asked for. I hope you ask for something really GOOD – you deserve it!!!

  43.  #43alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 12:20 am

    gina i felt reallly good reading that response to cassandra.

    i felt brought back to the days of imaginary relationships i created in my mind. and it’s not the the relationships or the connection or the moments i had with those men weren’t real. it’s not that there was not real love there. the imaginary part was like you said —how i MAGNIFIED it and it became this grand (imaginary) oasis in my small painful and unfulfilled life. that was hjow the whole imaginary relationship thing worked for me anyway. once i started expanding my own life, my interests, my self worth (and my dating life by circulard dating) the imaginary relationships really came up short in what was truly being offered by the man.

    however i was not capable or open to intimacy at that time so those kinds of relationships felt really safe to me.

  44.  #44gina on September 17, 2009 at 12:31 am

    yeah, I wasn’t available to intimacy either – that’s why the imaginary relationship was such a good fit for me at the time. While i was writing that post, I was remembering/realizing that I always get what I am willing to receive, and there have been times when I was willing to receive garbage – I actually felt more comfortable receiving garbage than love. But now I’m feeling like love isn’t so hard. It’s actually a lot easier than I thought. It’s like how “they” say that it takes a lot more muscles to frown than it does to smile. It seems to take a lot more energy to hold on to negativity rather than receive good stuff.

  45.  #45alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 12:45 am

    yes i feel so excited to witness so many sirens turning their lives around baby step by step using rori’s programs and tools. i feel so amazed.

    i feel very happy to see your shining light gina.

  46.  #46gina on September 17, 2009 at 12:55 am

    thanks Alias Girl. Yes, Rori’s tools have absolutely helped me accelerate healing and growth. Thank you Rori!

  47.  #47gina on September 17, 2009 at 1:42 am

    also, Kudos to you Alias Girl – your voice has changed so much recently. especially since that debacle with your job – you sounded so unhappy and in such turmoil. now you sound so clear and bright. I know we can never assume we’ve permanently arrived at a happy place, but it’s cool to witness someone making it through a struggle and coming out stronger for it. Congrats!

  48.  #48gina on September 17, 2009 at 1:49 am

    you’re sounding mighty good these days, too, Miss Daria. I’m wishing you the best with your business venture and your big move. I can totally imagine you LOVING having your own place. You’re so creative – I bet you’d make it a magic wonderland, and I’m guessing you’ll love the freedom! Plus, you’ll have your very own door for the men to line up at. Also, times when I haven’t had the luxury of choosing not to work, I was way more productive and felt better cause I didn’t have to agonize over the “perfect” use of my time. The agonizing is good to create a vision, which eventually achieves results, I’m just saying that I have appreciated the pressure of “reality” helping me make things happen – I hope reality propels you to fulfill your destiny.

  49.  #49alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 2:10 am

    thanks gina. 🙂 yes. the demise of that job was the worst and then the best thing that ever happened to me i could be selling fritatas from a street cart and be happier than i was there. i feel amused and free just thinking about it. aaaahhhhhhhhhh. i feel so good with just the thought of never having to go back there again.

    but the whole debacle was a very necessary pat of my now happiness. i fell i was a very har nut to crack with very solid rigid feense systems that i was not even aware of. but yae. i’m free now so good for me! but thank you so much for noticing and for your support gina i feel very good and bright and shiny and perked up to hear it. 🙂

  50.  #50cookie on September 17, 2009 at 4:36 am

    Cassandraaaa! I’m so glad to read all your updates, its amazing and so far from where u were the last time I read. I also totally relate to not wanting to circular date. I give a man my number and then don’t answer the phone or I take a number knowing I would never call. I don’t feel like being bothered at all. I don’t feel like having more people coming and going. I don’t want to feel like I have to do it in order to get love.I know it doesn’t make sense but its the way I feel

  51.  #51Flipper on September 17, 2009 at 7:14 am

    Hey Cassandra – I feel tickled pink about your move date! That is giant-step progress for sure.

    For you, and Cookie too, maybe my take on ‘You can’t serve two masters” will help us feel a little better. Right now, I, like both of you, have a long-time, totally unsatisfactory relationship with a man that feels just as extremely costly to get out of as it does to stay in. Emotionally costly, and eventually otherwise, as in my case financial, security, etc. And although I do Think I feel like circular dating and get out there, I know that inside I’m not often in a place where I’m attracting or can become aware of results, so my situation feels similar to your conscious avoidance.

    Anyhoo, right now so much of our energy is tied up in Wanting our situations to be different (trying to decide what to do, even just imagining what it’s possible to do, giving up on long-held dreams and abandoning our investments) – this is One ‘Master’, the old one, that it feels impossible to simultaneously take on another situation, albeit one of our choosing that actually suits us (the Second, New ‘Master’). Of course, it feels pretty crowded and uncomfortable, even downright terrifying, in there during the transition when both are present, but feeling the solid earth beneath our first baby steps onto the new master’s warm and promising path will make it easier to turn away from the old master’s deadend. If I can start making non-committal contact with some friendly, masculine energies, I’ll feel that my new master is not going to be another abusive guru, but my own Goddess-Self who’s path is lit by complementary helping hands.

    I feel sure that for you, Cassandra, having your own place will clear away a huge amount of the obstacles that are clouding your vision/desire for the moment. In the meantime, to limber up for all that moving, what about breathing (maybe even sing a few notes, expert that you are) at the start of every challenging moment. (For example, getting ready to leave your class: breathe, hum ‘goodnight ladies, goodnight gentlemen” to yourself, then lift your eyes to the gals and guys in question and smile at them calmly, before you move away) Now I’m going to practice doing the same at an art-opening tonight, and if I forget, I’ll turn around wherever I am and do the same at whoever’s around, adding in an AG mantra like “I feel grateful for all these people, especially the good men, in my presence”.

    Hugs and mucho encouragement for your big move! (mine and Cookie’s too, even tho’ we have not set a date and may not have a clue what we’re actually going to do yet!)

  52.  #52Erika on September 17, 2009 at 8:16 am


    “I believe comparing ourselves to others can be very healthy. Other people inspire us.”

    I agree with being inspired by others. Inspiration and comparison, to me, are very different feeling energies.

    To me, inspiration feels like, “oh, I love how she does that, I’m adding that to my repertoire.” Comparison feels like “wow, she must have something I don’t have.” Which is not true. We all have everything, sometimes we just can’t see it yet.

    Guys who think in terms of “high value” and “low value” get into a game they can never win. There will always be someone “higher value” so there is always a reason to beat themselves up. They get into never-ending mental loops of never feeling good enough or attractive enough. Believe me, I see it in my work every day.

    I teach spiritual equality because it’s a much faster way for guys to see that they already have everything. Of course I see the superficial differences among people. But my job is to teach guys to see through those differences, not to reinforce the differences. The more they realize they are just like everybody else, the faster they connect with women.

    For example, using EFT, I might do a riff like this:

    “Even though I’m very frustrated, because I never know what to say to a girl or how to act around her, ILAAMC.”

    Once the negative is all tapped out, we might do something like this:

    “But there’s a part of me that knows how to be a man. I’ve had it since I was born. It may be buried under a whole lot of crap right now. It may be unrecognizable. But the part of me that knows how to be a powerful, sexual man is still there. And I choose to reclaim it right now. I choose to activate that part of me right now.”

  53.  #53Erika on September 17, 2009 at 8:21 am

    I feel curious what motivates AG. Do I trigger fear in her? Does not acknowledging another person give her a sense of power? I feel curious whether it’s more motivated by fear or anger … I can’t imagine that ignoring someone else’s presence would ever be motivated by love. But perhaps I’m missing something.

  54.  #54tinque on September 17, 2009 at 8:44 am

    Erika – I’m ignored all the time here. It creates a twinge sometimes, but I know it’s not personal. Sometimes, often, people have other things, idea, and feelings pressing on them, different from the ones I presented.

  55.  #55alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    i honestly believe that so much can be done on the interior that will more than make up for the doind doing doin doing doing doing on the exterior.

    i truly believe i could manifest an entire blissful life to come to me from my living room. i don’t Want to do it that way because inspired action is part of the funof life!

    Inspired Action. i look for that. if something feels awful and like drudgery then i might just put it off until i am either in acceptance about it and see the value or actually feel excited about it.

    but i feel better to take actions i feel good about. i took to circular dating in my own way. a lot of it for me truly has been dating myself. really dating myself. but that’s me. people find their own ways with things.

    but i feel fun and excitement now whenever i leave the house because i know i will have so many opportunities to practice with people and meet new people.

    AND THAT IS LIGHT YEARS AWAY from how i used to feel.

    baby steps . i f all a siren can do in circular dating is practice a feeling message on the grocery store clerk then hurrah. that is a worthy baby step towards your happy ever after. in my opinion. and experience.

  56.  #56heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Erika – I wish I’d written this earlier now – I totally get what you’re saying. It feels very clear and true for me.
    I also get what Mercedes is saying. It just feels like two different things to me.

    I feel ignored here sometimes too. I feel more reactive in places where I’m being open, so I’m not blaming anyone or even believing totally that it’s true.

  57.  #57heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I’m impressed and enjoying everyone’s stories and progress. I’d be on here for hours writing to you Sirens all if I had the energy! Just started a new job and loving it, and I’m feeling sooo tired too. xxxx

  58.  #58Flipper on September 17, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    I’m feeling compassion for all those feeling ignored, whether temporarily, mistakenly, on purpose or whatever.

    I feel there must be many caring, concurring eyes and hearts coming to Siren Island that feel encouraged, validated and supportive reading everyone’s posts even though they don’t specifically say it. However different or conflicting the viewpoints expressed, at least one Siren is out there feeling grateful that you and I are writing their words for them.


  59.  #59Flipper on September 17, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    For example, I always feel profoundly touched by what Tinque shares, and I’m afraid I may never have acknowledged that to her. There’s always something that strikes a chord with me in everyone’s contribution, but I don’t want to saturate the space with my stuff about theirs.

  60.  #60tinque on September 17, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    yes exactly Flipper.

  61.  #61gina on September 17, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    after all that talk about being in favor of letting a man “work” for me, I was put to the test today! The guy I like a lot, Johnny, asked me if I’m free tonight, and I was super excited cause we haven’t seen each other in week and a half. He said there’s a movie showing in Dallas at 9 or 9:30, would I be up for it? and I was like “aaaargh! seriously???” cause a couple of weeks ago, I sorta burst about having to drive late at night to Dallas to see him twice, which is an hour away. I was all bent out of shape about it cause I let him in on my negative feelings After the fact, and I thought it was unfair of me. But when he asked me to do it AGAIN today, I felt tears coming to my eyes, i felt resentful that I had to set this boundary again. I felt angry. So I wrote…
    “I know it’s tough for you to come here, and I’m sure you’re tired, but I don’t feel comfortable driving late at night, especially in the rain. If it was earlier in the day, it’d be cool, but the farthest I’m willing to drive to meet tonight is Arlington. What do you think?” And then he said that the movie is showing 5 minutes from my apartment and that he’ll be here to pick me up at 9. AND he’s bringing pot. hallelujah.

  62.  #62Flipper on September 17, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Good “work” Gina, hehe.

  63.  #63alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    aw. yae Gina!!!!! guys LOVE LOVE LOVE to work! it seems they don’t always realize it until they find themselves in that mode and then it clicks in somehow in their psyche. it seems. i don;t know for sure as i am not a man and not all men can be lumped into one big category. but from my experience. when i draw natural boundaries arising out of taking good care of my goddess self and those boundaries that just happen to inspire the man to work harder or be a better man they LOVE it. and I LOVE it. and win win.

    this is not in regards to toxic or permanently girly or whiney men. they want the woman to WORK.

    gina i feel super excited. yae siren!!!!!! 🙂

  64.  #64alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    i have decided to manifest miracles and keep track of them so i realize the possibilities of life. I feel really inspired that daria healed her scar.

    daria how long did it take you to heal the scar? was it overnight?

  65.  #65Daria on September 17, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    my eye scar?

    i guess in about a year it was gone. I always knew it would heal perfectly, but for awhile i had a little red patch… everyone said it would always be there!


    I put my “green stuff” on it from Romania, basically this plant pulp mostly made out of Saint John’s wort. i put it on everday and it looked like war paint lol. But i Loved it.

    Then it just healed. I don’t know how long it took, but I remember I didn’t mind it being there even when it was there.

    i don’t mind my arm scar either, in fact i Love it. I can feel it healing though.

  66.  #66Daria on September 17, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    i feel angry seeing AG not acknowledging Erika. I feel mega triggered to back in school times, when cool people would act like i wasn’t even human. i feel like yelling at attacking. I feel judgemental. I feel so SAD. I feel furious.

    i feel annoyed when I see Erika address Ag. I feel like cringing. I feel weird hearing that she doesn;t seem to feel upset. I feel judgemental. I feel defensive.

    I feel really interested in how this triggers me. On the one hand not being acknowledged would feel AWFUL to me. I would feel horrible, like i was being passive agressively attacked. i would feel stuck and terrible, left out, unworthy, and powerless. On the other hand, being adressed repeatedly when i would not want to engage would feel frustrating. I would feel angry and disrespected, and unheard. i would feel pressured, cornered, and manipulated.

    so i feel interested in this

  67.  #67gina on September 17, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Daria that’s how I feel witnessing the weirdness. I feel like jeez guys come on! but at the same time I want to respect both sides. but I don’t feel actually upset, just awkward. i almost laughed when i erika mentioned it cause I hadn’t realized it was still going on – i just remember that she was upset about it months and months ago. AG is hardcore. I kinda respect the stick-to-it-iveness. but I can’t help but see a conflict between AGs determination to be completely happy and the reality that Erika apparently won’t be ignored peacefully. I guess Erika’s hardcore too. I relate to AG, but I feel compassion for Erika. is there a way that the tension can be resolved? Erika can you respect that AG doesn’t want/care to relate to you directly on this forum? AG, are you willing to adjust your behavior a little to spare Erika the agony of being ignored? Erika, will you be satisfied if AG interacts just to appease you? Are you just expressing yourself for the sake of your point of view? It seems like if AG were a man, the only hope you might have of winning her over would be to divert your own attention towards something that does feel good since she has been consistent for months – no good feelings there, so look elsewhere kinda thing. I dunno, but I definitely feel a desire to resolve things. sorry if I’m meddling. I totally wanted to say things in the past, but chose to stay quiet – I felt inspired by Daria’s comment to speak up.

  68.  #68cookie on September 17, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    i feel totally clueless about what’s going on but honestly i prefer it that way. this blog is my space to vent and put my thoughts in the atmosphere. i feel ignored very often on here esp. by rori and there has been times when i felt like not ever coming back here but then i realize that feelings are just old memories or other crap kicking in. so i always come back.

  69.  #69alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    i feel love for all the sirens on siren island. i feel that is enough. i have said my peace. i have addressed the issue. i feel like mariah carey in that song. “why you so obsessed with me?”

    but i got nothin but love for y’all. i ‘m just my own person. i have a right o my own self. my own space. my own boundaries my own rights.

    i feel good to focus on the positive of life. i feel bad people are being triggered. but i also feel very very special. i must be very very special. i had always suspected but i really feel the truth of how special i am more and more the more i live this life as alias girl wonder.

    maybe i will start posting as alias girlwonder.

  70.  #70alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    tonight’s headliner:


    singing all her top ten hits plus some stuff from her new album.

    (why does she sound like a robot?)

  71.  #71gina on September 17, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    lol, see what you’re feeding erika?

  72.  #72Erika on September 17, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Lol, I don’t really feel triggered.

    I just feel a conflict between AG and me, and it’s not my style to ignore conflicts because they tend to fester.

    So I call them out.

    And of course she is perfectly free to continue ignoring me. But ignoring me doesn’t make the conflict go away.

    It has been my experience that turning my attention away from conflicts with men doesn’t get the results I want either.

    The conflict only gets recreated somewhere else in my life.

    So I may very well continue to call this out, because I can feel it. From my perspective, I feel AG judging me.

    If my intuition is correct, then I know that judging me is not helping AG.

    I find it interesting because AG is friends with people on here that I’m also friends with, and normally friends of friends become friends.

    Anyway, I don’t mention it because I want AG to respond in any particular way. I mention it because I’m very sensitive to energy, and I continue to feel it.

    And I’ll probably continue to mention it whenever intuition says to do so.

    If I had a request for AG, it would be, how about we both let bygones be bygones and start over fresh, giving each other the benefit of the doubt? I would sure appreciate an acknowledgment of my humanity.

    But I’m content even if I don’t receive that.

  73.  #73alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    yes cookie i have felt similar. i have broken up with this blog many a time. sometimes silemtly and sometimes with a public announcement. hehe . i felt ignored or misunderstood. or werid dynamics with people or whatever.

    all my own issues. i feel interested that all this comes under the anger frustration and resentment heading /post.

    i feel good to go to the park now.

    daria thank you so much for answering me about your scar healing. i feel sooo excited about tha kind of stuff and healing and stuff.

  74.  #74gina on September 17, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    i’m pretty sure that’s what she just did.

  75.  #75Erika on September 17, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    Note to self: specialness is always of the ego. As is separation and conflict.

    I wonder what in me is creating this conflict? I wonder what judgments I am holding about AG.

    I feel anger energy stirred up. I feel a lot of anger in our connection. I feel very determined to stay present to this anger.

    I don’t feel content to leave pockets of anger just sitting there. They fester and wreak havoc in our lives.

  76.  #76alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    i feel manipulated and bullied. i have acknowledged you humanity time and again ericka. and i continue to feel disrespected by a constant public drama about how someone feels victimized by Being Ignored On a public forum.

    i feel sinlged out and bullied. i feel manipulated.

    my goodness. i do not want to respond to posts i feel no connection with. i feel good to just focus on what i align with. would you be willing to stop focussing on me and trying to engagee me in conflict. i feel horrible whenever anyone forces me to do things i do not want to do.


    would you be willing to stop focussing on me? and projecting things on me? ick. i feel ick.

    please don’t do this anymore. i feel bad about it. i feel bad when the whole group starts prodding me to do something i don’t want to do. i feel ganged up on. please. i feel shakey when i feel bullied.

  77.  #77Erika on September 17, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Yep, lots of judgments, I see them now. I’m definitely sitting in judgment of AG.

    I feel intrigued to notice how many judgments I’m holding about her.

    I feel intrigued to notice how judgment and anger go together.

  78.  #78alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    please stop. i feel picked on and what that happens i lash out. please stop it. please stop focussing on me. i feel bullied and i feel terrible. i feel unsafe. i do not want to engage or interact with people i feel bullied by. please stop. please.

  79.  #79Erika on September 17, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I don’t feel safe being vulnerable around her. I’m in touch with sadness now about not feeling included or accepted. And I notice that I don’t really feel safe expressing this to AG because I don’t trust that she will be gentle regarding my vulnerability. Part of me (this may be my projection) thinks she would enjoy seeing pain, that it’s a way for her to receive a form of empathy for her own pain. Again, I may be projecting, and I take full responsibility for that.

    I don’t feel safe expressing my vulnerability around her, but I’m doing it anyway.

  80.  #80alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    i wonder if it clear now whyi choose to focus on more positive things. i feel poked at. and prodded at. and publically dissected. please. i feel unsafe. stop. i feel bullied. i feel ill. i don’t like it. this is why i ignore your comments. to avoid this feeling.

    i am choosing now to go back to a peaceful coexistence by repsecting and ALLOWING you to be who you are.

    please ALLOW me to be who i am without trying to change me or force me to do what feels more comfortable for you. to suit your wishes. i am my own person.

    please respect me. my space. my boundaries. my right to be my own self if i am not hurting anyone. please. i’m sorry if i lashed out at you with humore but please leave me alone. please.

    this is why i don’t want to engage with you. please leave me alone until there comes time where i feel good or inspired or things change. but for now this is my choice and my righr

    you have right to keep focussing on me and getting everyone involved but i tell you it feels bad and i feel bullied and i don’t want it. but do what you have to do to heal.

    and i will continue to do the same.

    ok now to the park.

  81.  #81gina on September 17, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    that anger sounds way more true than the “casual” observation that she ignores you, or the “interest” you said you had.

  82.  #82gina on September 17, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    maybe it’s not a conflict, maybe you just don’t “like” each other. There are people that I don’t “like” even though i feel love for their humanity. When I didn’t accept that I don’t “like” them, it interfered with my feeling of well being. I felt judgemental and conflicted and at odds with myself. When i realized that I didn’t like them, then there was no conflict any longer.

  83.  #83Daria on September 17, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Wow this is cool.

  84.  #84Daria on September 17, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Erika I feel glad to see you get in touch with these feelings. I felt them blocked from you before regarding this.

  85.  #85Daria on September 17, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    I feel triggered by the idea of not being liked.

    I feel triggered that someone may think they just don’t “like” me and move on with their lives. I feel totally triggered, desperate, lonely, and unworthy, and judgemental of the other person, feeling a desire to both attack them and plead with them to like me.

  86.  #86Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    Alias girlwonder, all your new comments have been awaiting moderation, so sorry, and I’m just now reading all that you feel. I’ll go back now and see what’s happening…Love, Rori

  87.  #87Erika on September 17, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    I feel glad that AG expressed herself. I certainly do not have the intention to bully, and I certainly want everyone here to feel safe.

    At the same time, this does not feel like “peaceful coexistence” to me. It feels like buried anger and conflict and judgment, and it doesn’t feel good to me. Silence does not mean peace. So I want to respect AG, and at the same time, I don’t feel comfortable being silent about it.

  88.  #88Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    cookie, hi, so sorry if you feel ignored…I very rarely reply to comments from anyone who isn’t a newbie…I’m just so jammed…but I read them, and then once a week I try to go through and reply, but then there are hundreds and can’t get to all of you I want to…just know…this is not about me. And this isn’t really a forum. It’s a COMMUNITY. And the rules of this community are no judgment, everyone’s a girl (except me) — AND – it’s OKAY to get triggered. Look, all my work is sending you out there to trigger yourselves on PURPOSE. To get yourselves riled up so you can move PAST the old blocks. so you can STOP being stopped where you’ve always been stopped. So…being triggered by each other will be HELPFUL here. If any one of you feels bad about something happening here…just keep posting it so I finally can find it and fix it. Alias Girl, I’ll try to find out what started this…and for the now…please, all of you look at this as a opportunity to get MORE LOVE. Love, Rori The goal here is to USE EVERYTHING. I should write about that….

  89.  #89Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    Mercedes and Erika – so far, I love this dialogue on “comparisons.” I’ve never really thought about it before. For me – it’s the CHARGE on the word “compare” – because it IMPLIES a judgment that one is higher and the other lower in whatever is being compared. However, you can’t judge blonde, brunette, redhead on a scale of loveliness (can you?) – however, you can compare them. I think we’ve all got a charge on the word. How about we change the focus of this. Let’s say — we notice and APPRECIATE qualities in other people that we like, that are successful, that we might like to bring out in ourselves. I used to “copy” how Mary Tyler Moore and Vanessa Redgrave moved, talked, acted (I’m sure young actors now pick Sean Penn) — but I never evven thought to compare “talent” or ability” – it was just something I liked in them I wanted for myself…Let’s look at this…Rori

  90.  #90Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Never thought of it this way, Erika. I just liked the visual of it. I’ve always used the term “out-girling” in terms of outgirling a MAN. Let me think about it. Rori

  91.  #91Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Erika – here’s the deal. You can read a million self-help books and spiritual books, there are so many out there, with these great ideas, concepts. They are truthful. And yet…it’s hard to know where to START with something so large and vague as this. That’s why I put things into Tools, in language that makes sense on a kinesthetic, visual, auditory…all kinds of ways sense. I believe we must start from where we ARE. Not from where we wish we were or want to be. Step by step means step by step. We are working too hard. therefore, the concept of stopping doing the work so that a man will work hard for the relationship is a great image. Least for me. So I love and appreciate your words, because they come from a large and unique viewpoint, and I’ll disagree with you often, too.Love, Rori

  92.  #92alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 10:20 pm


    i feel terrible to be the focus of what feels like someone’s unhealthy obsession with me and prodding.

    i feel really terrible. i feel like i am being cyber stalked. i feel terrible to be the object of someone’s anger and hostility and spoken to as if i am somehow supposed to play a part in fixing it or helping to heal it for them or activate it for them.

    please just leave me alone.

    i just want to be allowed to be who i am without being harrassed. my goodness. i feel like throwing up.

    please just find a different focus for this. i do not want to engage. it does not feel good to be talked about in the third person and told what i am feeling.

    i am saying what i am feeling. I feel sick. i feel bullied. i feel manipulated. i feel shakey. i feel gross. i feel like throwing up. please leve me alone. stop obsessing about me. stop thinking about me. if you have anger about it go riff about it

    but would you be willing to stop making me the focus of your posts on this community?

    would you be willing to just allow me to be me and i can allow you to be you. i feel peaceful about that. and i feel bad if you don’t. you have a different idea of peace that perhaps involves me doing something for you or being something for you that i can not give you authentically at this point in time.


    thank you

  93.  #93Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    wow I just read Alias girlwonder comments. They hadn’t shown up before.

    I did not mean to prod alias girl to do what she wants to do.

    I do also have feelings witnessing somethng and I express how I feel. Not to prod. But to express how I feel.

    I do not want to apologize for expressing my feelings about what I see. I do not want to say “oh but please don’t worry or change anything for little old me, just ignore how I feel cuz its only how I feel” I want to express how I feel.

    Expressing how I feel is not prodding to me. I bet it does trigger feelings though.

    This seems important for me to heal my own issues, probably with my family. I feel glad I expressed myself, I feel glad feelings are being expressed.

    I feel worried seeing Alias girlwonder’s please comments…

    but also I don’t see prodding, I see erika expressing her feelings as well (with some thoughts… maybe that’s what feels icky? ))? I feel confused

  94.  #94Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    I feel confused and defensive of Erika.

    i would not feel good beign told I have unhealthy obsession with someone because I want to engage with them. In fact I would feel furious.

    I maybe would also feel humiliated. I doubt I would have the strength to re engage that person, and i admire Erika for that. I am learning and I think this may apply well to my situation with friend’s little sister.

    Also I feel protective of AG. I would not want to feel unsafe or harassed or bullied. I would feel drained and powerless and angry.

    I feel uncomfortable and confused.

  95.  #95heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    Redheads rule.

    All you blondes and brunettes – get down on your knees and worship at my altar 😉

  96.  #96Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    I feel sad.

  97.  #97Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    ha its all about light brown hair dont care! hehe

    Thanks heartbeat! lol that made me feel amused

  98.  #98heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    I feel tense and uncomfortable. I feel amazed at what’s happening. At the same time I feel embarrassed and ashamed, I want to pull myself into my own world, stick my fingers in my ears and make jokes.

  99.  #99heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    I love it when I make people laugh tho 🙂 thanks Daria

  100.  #100alias girlwonder on September 17, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    daria if people on the blog address this like

    why is alias girl doing this?
    can’t we all just get along?

    and ericka is constantly jabbing at me to engage with her and now it’s this weird thing and I AM THE FOCUS>

    i feel prodded to respond so that it can END>

    i just want it to END>

    if i ignore it it at least ends for a little bit.

    if i engage i FEEL TERRIBLE

    i do not want to engage. ESPECIALLY now after all of this. ick.

    i feel prodded just by being the focus of all this.

    how woudl you feel if everybody around you was saying

    why did daria do that
    i don’t understand why daria doesn’t just talk to that girl that married her exboyfriend. why doesn’t she just be friends and act nice towards her

    yeah why not ‘

    how come

    yeah why not

    and this is in a (cyber) room with people talking about you

    would you feel prodded to say something?

    if i ignore it people seem uptight abnout it and have all these judgements they are voicing that ii am reading

    i just feel annoyed at this point

    really ericka obssess about me all you want. really. disrespect my needs and boundaries because obviously you are getting something out of it. but i feel done.

    once again.

    so if anyone is wondering why i am not responding to erica they can go sift through all the posts and see that i have drawn boundaries again and again letting her know that i do not feel comfortable engaging

    and this very behavior is most of the reason why. there is something behind this need to engage me and i am not interested in it.

    i feel bored with it.

    ok. thank you so much for alowing me to be the person i desire to be.

    thank you so much for the contrast. i love it. i feel delighted to be able to know what i want by experiencing what i do not.

    i wish the best for everyone.

    alias girlwonder has left the building

    (crowd roars and cheers! alias girlwonder we love you !!! we love you!!!)

  101.  #101heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    My stomach feels tight. I feel annoyed at myself for breaking my vow of keeping focused on my life and work and creativity and joy, instead of being up at 6am reading and commenting here.

    I appreciate Rori’s explanation of triggering ourselves on purpose. Maybe that’s why I keep coming back. It feels addictive too.

    Witnessing an issue

  102.  #102heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    that appears to be between two people reminds me of listening to my parents fighting.

    But it’s not two people, it doesn’t feel that polarised to me, it’s all of us.

    I don’y like sticking my fingers in my ears. I want to listen to myself.

  103.  #103Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Okay – I see this, and I’m stopping it now. Alias Girl, forgive me for not catching it sooner. Love, Rori

  104.  #104Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Alias girl! I did not see anyone say…

    “why doesn’t AG do this???” or… “can’t we all just get along”

    am I missing something?

  105.  #105heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    My mother told me a story a couple of weeks back.

    I said ‘I feel angry hearing that’. She tried to appease, I felt judged and stuffed down.

    I said it again and added ‘I’m not blaming anyone, I just feel angry’

    She finally heard me and it felt great. Then she said ‘I want to talk about something I feel’ and we went on to have this great feeling conversation.

    I feel closer to her now, and more love for my wierd clunky self.

  106.  #106alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    daria please. please. please. i do not feel good with this. nobody directly said those things but if you read the whole thread you will get what i’m saying. maybe putting them in quotes was confusing because i was acutually paraphrasing.

    i feel confused how to stop this behavior. i don’t know how to stop it.

    i have a right to my own decisions and not to be bullied to interact with someone.

    i feel confused how to handle this.

    i feel 🙁

  107.  #107heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    I feel anxious and angry. I feel confused as to what Rori is putting a stop to?

    I feel relieved feelings are coming out, I feel freer. I feel sad the process is painful for some. I want a community that is loving and open and unafraid.

  108.  #108Daria on September 17, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    me saying “why doesn’t someone do something” and “someone should do something I want them to” are thoughts and judgements. I would most likely avoid that.

    me saying “I feel sad/angry/upset/confused when I see someone doing or not doing somethin” is expressing my feelings.

    I don’t have to be quiet when I see something that makes me feel bad (or good)

    I would feel grateful for Rori to help us learn from this in a way that feels good.

    Thank you.

  109.  #109heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Thank you Daria – I feel that way too

  110.  #110Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    Alias Girl and Daria – I don’t know either of you personally, but to me you are the “edgy rock star girls” – I find everything you do and say so different from my own experience, and so interestingly put. Each post like a little, well-written novel.

    I want everyone to feel free here to write the poetry of your heart, and to suffer through the occasional triggering as an opportunity. So glad to be monitoring when need be.

    Love, Rori

  111.  #111alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    ok so i just went back and was rereading the thread.

    ericka i don’t read your posts ok. that is why i don’t respond to you. i didnt even know you were addressing me until the other sirens got involved. which is the same thing that happended last itme

    you see because i chose to FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE> while you apparently chose to continue focussing on me.

    i like to focus on things that feel good.

    and there is no reason to focus on things that feel bad unles i want more of it. so its not as if i am purposefully not repsonding to yoiur posts because i i am on some power trip. i was choosing not to read your posts so i could stay in a good feeling place and the motivator is ABSOLUTELY LOVE> it is the greatest love i can have


    so this is what it is. so now you know, i am not reading your posts. i do not wish to engage. please stop focussing on me and creating drama that is centered around your inability to cope with me not feeling comfortable or safe interacting with you. or what you call being “ignored”.

  112.  #112heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    I feel angry reading that, AG. I write from my heart and I feel sick at the thought that a person might not read what I’ve shared.

  113.  #113Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    I feel ANGRY

  114.  #114alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    daria if you still feel confused or upset or hurt by something i said i feel willing to work it out. i was in a moment there and was working some stuff out.

    pshew i feel rebalanced

    thank you for the support rori. i feel appreciative. i feel in awe of how you manage to keep this blog safe because i imagine there is some stuff that you have to barrier and i feel the gift you have offered and i just feel the appreciation deeply. so thank you.

    and i do feel rock starish these days. 🙂

    maybe daria and i will form a band. i dunno know though we’d might both wanna sing lead and might both wanna be the front siren.

  115.  #115alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    yes heartbeat i understand. i feel compassion. you are being triggered by something that has nothing to do with me.

  116.  #116Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    I’m sure we could both sing lead and be front siren. I wouldn’t even want to be in a band otherwise! heee. I feel so happy to be adressed and included in the band!

    I do still feel upset about Erika being accused of creating drama and told to stop doing stuff, even with a please in front.

    I don’t really feel like talking about it right now because right now I feel happy that its possible to have 2 or more people be leads in the band. I could be a rapper or we could both rap. and sing. and ag could breakdance… maybe i could dance too or even breakdance haha if I learned…


  117.  #117heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    I feel glad you feel rebalanced, AG. I recognise that process. I feel supportive of you and of myself.

    I feel less afraid of tumbling through my feelings these days.

  118.  #118heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Hang on – REDHEADS are always at the front. I’ll let you be the backing singers. 😉

  119.  #119Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    i still feel icky and troubled in my tummy.

    I love my icky and troubled feelings, and my set lips and mouth, and the quivering in my tummy!

    I feel SO MAD!!!! I feel furious. I feel like judging and attacking and defending.

    I feel drained and tired too… I love my drained and tired feelings. I love ALL my feelings. I love my tingling along my shoulders that feels like anger, /I love my anger. I LOVE ALL OF ME.

    I feel furious! and /I love my fury. I feel pulsing deep in my belly. I love my pulsing in my belly.


    sigh that feels like a sigh and I lov emy sighs, that feels like yawning and i love my yawns, I feel like having some /Chocolate! yum!

    New moon coming up soon, feel my peezy stirring lol I want it to come Thank You Angels.!!!


    I love the tightness in my chest. I love all my feelings that feels like achyness in my lower belly and I LOVE IT. ooh I love it.

    I love the tightness in my forhead… I love my big yawning.

    I love the pinching in my chest. I love all of me.

    I feel like drinking some infusion.

  120.  #120heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Forgive my Irish sense of humour xxx
    Even tho it’s true hehe

  121.  #121Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    looool heartbeat. What is this with redheads thingy… lol…

  122.  #122Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    lol I don’t want to be the backup singer! lol

  123.  #123Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    I feel irked! haha

    lol the computer said im posting comments too quickly

  124.  #124alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    i feel unsure.

    are you still upset with me daria and do you need anything from me? otherwise i might just jump off for now cuz i feel kinda done for now. would love to discuss more rockstar biz at later date though,

  125.  #125heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    It’s all Rori’s fault – she said blondes and brunettes and redheads are equal! And they are NOT! Lol

  126.  #126alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    thank you heartbeat.

    but uh negatory on the back up and redhead frontsiren thing. 😉

  127.  #127alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    uh yeah but no.


    a couple siren redheads would look darling though as the back up singers.

  128.  #128Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    I feel cool right now, I would feel triggered and upset if I were to think about some of the past posts.

    I don’t need anything hehe! oh do you have AIM, or Yahoo messenger, or myspace IM? it would feel fun to talk to you on there… if you do then e-mail me at daria@dsacademics.com

  129.  #129heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Aw go on – humour me 🙂 🙂

    Then I promise I’ll go away and behave myself.

  130.  #130Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Heartbeat you are so CUTE!!

  131.  #131heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Love love love!! XXXXXXXXXXX

  132.  #132heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    I feel happy now. I got the giggles too. I feel like going out on my bike for a ride now.

    So I guess it’s nighty night for you Sirens, and top of the morning from me 🙂 xxxxxxxx

  133.  #133alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    aw thank you daria. i am not on myspace and i don’t do the IM thing. but thank you for your email. perhaps i will contact you. i feel appreciative. i also feel scared though.i feel bad if i don’t email right away though until i get used to idea. i feel a little fearful.

    yae! trigger city tonight!

  134.  #134alias girl on September 17, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    aw have a great bike ride heartbeat! and maybe you can practice your harmonizing and background vocals while you ride and your red goddess hair flows in the wind.

  135.  #135heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I will AG, I will! It’s all good prcatice for my world-class solo performace 🙂 xxxxxxxx

  136.  #136Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    lol AG ! Don’t worry, e-mail me when you feel like it, if you feel like it!

    I feel weird giving my work e-mail out too (even though I declared my company before on here) lol or anything where ppl can find me outside of blog. But i’ve done it before. Like my very secret batcave myspace page

  137.  #137Daria on September 17, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    solo huh

  138.  #138heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Ah – I forgot I have a fabulous baritone to accompany me 🙂

  139.  #139heartbeat on September 17, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    I keep wanting to be a Grande Dame when actually I’m a leprechaun 🙂

  140.  #140gina on September 18, 2009 at 1:36 am

    I’ll go ahead and JUMP at the opportunity to back you special ladies up. But I may bust out a solo from time to time…

  141.  #141Erika on September 18, 2009 at 7:35 am

    I would feel sad if this discussion were to be “shut down.”

    I feel deeply judged and accused and “projected on” in this discussion with AG, but I feel relieved to have the judgments out on the table instead of buried deep in silent anger.

    What I don’t think AG understands is her hatred does not feel peaceful to me. I can feel it in the silence, and it feels awful.

    To me, it’s important to allow these things to be spoken because otherwise it’s like many people felt in their childhoods, with family members enraged but not expressing it.

    It feels toxic to me, AG.

    I hear you saying you feel sick, like vomiting, etc. — from my perspective those feelings are there anyway, just being suppressed. I’m not the cause of those feelings. Something in your past is, just as something in my past is the reason I feel very uncomfortable with the energy I feel with you.

    But how is it helpful to “cover up” what’s obviously there? isn’t this whole blog about not “covering stuff up” anymore?

  142.  #142Erika on September 18, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Let me add that I could “pretend to be above all this” because I’m a coach, but I don’t find that helpful either.

    Coaches and healers continue to be human beings. If they “cover up” toxic interpersonal dynamics, they don’t keep their energy fields clear.

    Silent conflicts are just as damaging to people as open conflicts, actually I believe more damaging because they are underground, creating effects without our conscious awareness. I guarantee that the anger in this discussion has been affecting this board in ways that people are not even conscious of — because the anger has been there the whole time. Just covered up and suppressed. Like in so many of the relationships that people are struggling with in the discussions here.

    I’m not going to pretend to be “perfect” and “nice” and above it all. I’m not going to silently tolerate toxic energy. Obviously it’s Rori’s prerogative to kick me off this board, but I believe that would be unfortunate, as this anger and judgment is something that needs to be faced.

  143.  #143gina on September 18, 2009 at 8:13 am

    erika, the only anger and judgment I see is yours. Maybe my resentment is based on hostility I’m carrying over from other areas of my life, or maybe it’s just that you’ve gone too far and I’m frustrated.

  144.  #144gina on September 18, 2009 at 8:19 am

    Last night I saw Johnny and the strangest “dischord” happened. I enjoyed being with him, but then when we were making out, I started to feel like “ugh, back up off this.” He seemed to sense that I wasn’t feeling it. I feel bad cause it’s the way I have felt towards my dad’s love my whole life. He has always wanted more and more hugs and I always felt a little like ugh. I appreciate his warmth and love, but I felt annoyed by his expression. i feel a little guilty that I wasn’t more receptive and responsive. It seriously has been a primary part of our dynamic – he’s always loving, and I’m always dragging my feet about it like “ugh.” I always wondered how this would carry over into my relationships with men. Seems like I like things to be sexual, and I feel sort of annoyed with lotsa loving – I don’t seem to feel the same warm fuzzies that other people do. Johnny is very affectionate, but last night, I was feeling frustrated that he doesn’t just wanna grab my boobs, or he isn’t mesmerized by my sexuality it seems. he’s deeper than that, and I have to say, that I’m missing the Sexiness. I tried asking what his favorite part of a woman’s body is, and that went over terribly. it was super lame and he was weirded out. I don’t know how to articulate what I’m wanting from him. to feel more objectified and a cheap I guess. lol.

  145.  #145Erika on September 18, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Gina, I hear your frustration. But I guarantee the anger here is two-sided.

    What I’m observing is that AG has a “strategy” that she goes into a “victim” story that I’m somehow “bullying” her.

    And what I’m saying is I feel the toxicity of the energy between us all the time, and I could just as easily call myself the “victim” of that.

    But I’m not going to, because this whole “victim” and “perpetrator” story is false and needs to be healed.

    This board is not the only place where AG is playing out that story.

    The “victim” story is just another way to send the anger underground and dissociate from the feelings that are there, and I won’t participate in it.

  146.  #146tinque on September 18, 2009 at 9:13 am

    appreciation – appreciation – appreciation
    there is beauty in everyone be they
    ravishing, regal redheads; beauteous, bewitching brunettes; beautiful, beguiling blondes

  147.  #147Tracy on September 18, 2009 at 9:31 am

    I feel confused by Erika’s reaction towards Alias…I feel appreciation for Alias growth and progress and i feel love for all the sirens on this blog…
    I totally agree with tinque on appreciation….there is so much Love and uniqueness in all of us and i choose to embrace that…
    I have felt growth in so many people here though i don’t always mention it and sometimes i am caught up in my own thoughts and progress…I feel that my sense of strength comes from others experiences as well…i feel inspired to grow and become better…i feel that i am getting better…and i feel that the same is happening for everyone else…
    Much love…hugs…

  148.  #148Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Tracy, Thank you so much for the way you’ve shared your feelings on this. It feels both powerful, thoughtful, and yet like a “sharing” instead of an opinion. Brava — this is exactly how it’s done in all situations. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Erika, you know I love you, and this comment track doesn’t work for me, or AG, or what we’re doing here. I’m not exactly sure how to comment back in a way that’s helpful to you, except to totally support AG 100% in this. I’ve been very careful about laying out the rules in this…and being a girl does not involve opinions, no matter how founded in science…that’s for me to do, here, in my style. AG – you’ve been quite wonderful in expressing yourself, and I hope this is triggering you in a way I can help you work through that will be meaningful and positive for you. I used to be best friends with a woman who liked to “pull flack.” She liked to stir up the pot. It made me feel all kinds of things…but mostly judged – harshly. It took me many years to understand that, and to get why I pulled that energy in. Erika, I’d really appreciate dropping the “stance” here and getting back to non-violent communication, otherwise I’ll have to monitor and edit…Love, Rori

  150.  #150Cassandra on September 18, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Ag ur post about me teaching was wonderul! Thank you ….it made me feel supported and accepted and that I am part of things here. Thank you for that. I am glad to be teaching again. Each time I am getting ready for class I soooooo son’t want to go but then we have a great class and even end up staying over our alloted time and I end up having a great time. it feels good to be teaching again. I have not been out dancing much though. I have not felt like doing much at all…..i hope that comes with more time.

    Gina….thank you too for your post. It made me cry..in a feeling loved way. Thank you. I am most definitely feeling closed off the not only good men but the world. I really don’t want to be bothered except for coming here. I don’t want to go an do anything or be with anyone or even talk to anyone. I really do feel shut down and closed off. part of me likes it that way but the pther part of me is feeling so so lonely and that I am handling all of this totally alone. I know that what Charles and I had was totally an imaginary relationship but I am not sure that I am ready for anything but that. I have not known anything but that and even as horrible as this experience has been…it feels safe and familiar and I don’t like this feeling of fear and being back in the world totally alone. I feel sick knowing that I feel that way right now. Ick. I so want to get to the other side of this and have ME back but in a way that I can receive good things and love. I am struggling with that. Even when someone gives me a compliment…I don’t feel comfortable with that at all.

    Ag….I too feel that you are in such a better happier place and I celebrate that for and with you!! I feel proud and supportive of you!!

  151.  #151Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 11:51 am

    Wow, Gina, what an interesting thing you’ve hit on about yourself…what great insight…sounds like you felt overwhelmed with your dad’s “need” for physical contact with you….and so you keep acting that scenario out. The question here for you to ask in each situation is…does this man WANT something from me? Or does he want to GIVE to me? See if you can feel the difference, and start tolerate more and more receiving. The sex thing is just your way of skirting the emotional stuff inside you.. go girl! Love, Rori

  152.  #152Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Erika, now, even though it’s not in the language of feelings that I’d like…I’m totally with you on part of this…I LOVE provocation. I love triggering. I look at everything as an opportunity, and I agree greatly that ANGER is part of the matrix of emotions at the bottom of things – and that unearthing it from where it’s hiding can be the most healing thing imaginable.

    However, I believe that trauma and the sense of helplessness is even further down inside us, and that anger is simply the “fight” response to that. So, trying to provoke and unearth anger does not work. It simply creates the flight or freeze reaction, or MORE anger. In order to truly heal emotions, I believe in the EFT words: “I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.” To me, that means the first order of business is to notice the angry feelings, and then EMBRACE and love them. Invite them to come forward. Otherwise, it’s like trying to pull a mule who’s digging in it’s heels, or get any child to do anything he/she doesn’t want to do by confrontation. Doesn’t work.

    There are ways in, and ways to more deeply entrench feelings. In training to be a therapist, you learn about “projection.” You are taught to handle your own triggered feelings in a way that’s therapeutic for the client. There are ways to do things and say things, and ways that work better than others. Every coach needs to find her own way. When I was in training, we had a whole class in which we worked in groups of 3, two coaching each other, one observing. What we had to do was “get fired.” We had to “tell the truth” by “swinging out” in a fearless way. For most of us, it was terrifying. No one wanted to offend or get fired. Erika is willing to get fired. That’s something I’d like all of you to model. Now…the trick here, for Erika and all of us, is to stay CONSCIOUS no matter what. We’ll talk about that in a later post. Love, Rori

  153.  #153Cassandra on September 18, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Cookie…I feel so happy to hear from you too!! i feel happy that you are still here and taking the same baby steps that I am. I feel supportive of you and connected to you and I sned you a huge hug!! xoxoxo

    Hi Flipper….you too….I feel so happy to hear from you as well. I have missed you both!! It feels good to be ‘home’ on the island. I feel sad taht both of you are in similar situations as this situation feels awful to be in. I do feel so so afraid of leaving here..this house as it has been a source of comfort and feeling HOME to me…the house that is. I love it here and feel so sad to be leaving and I feel so sad that I never really mattered to Charles at all. I feel afraid that he won’t even notice that I am gone and that I won’t hear from him again – which even though would be GOOD for me….would hurt me even more. I feel afraid to be ‘out tehre on my own’ again in an apartment and I feel angry because I realy thought that this was my last stop. I don’t have a choice though…I have to move and in a way….that is good for me as I was not capable or in a place where I could make that decision for myself and I know that. I do however have a deep sense that somehow…someway…it will be ok…bills will get paid, I will ahve food on the table…I have no clue how but I do have this deep deep feeling that it will be ok and I want to trust that. THAT feels good…no great.!

    On the note of feeling ignored….I used to feel ignored here sometimes but then I chose to look at it in a different light. I personally am in a place right now where I feel that I have nothing to offer anyone yet I need input and support. If I feel like that is where I am at….how many other Sirens must be going through that same thing. Once I saw that light I realized that for me…it no longer felt as though I was being ignored but that each siren is dealing with their own ‘stuff’ and each of us is in a place where we need to be. If I don’t get a response and need one, I feel that I am the one that needs to say ‘hey…I need help on this’ and if I just needed to be ‘listened to’ or vent or work it out on here then that is what I do. I no longer feel neglected or ignored…I feel grateful and happy to be on the island..that is just how I feel though.

    YAY Gina….on the movie thing!! I feel happy for you!

    Heartbeat…I feel so happy to see you here and have missed you so much too!! I am with you on the redhead thing…I too am a red head and lead singer!! 🙂 I feel afraid that that may get taken out of context…I do not feel that anyone is better than anyone else…..we all have our gifts and talents and I feel thankful for them all.

    I felt extremely uncomfortable and a deep sense of sadness with the conflict above and felt like I wanted to run. I still feel like running away from it all but also I now feel curious why it triggered me the way that it did as I was sooo not involved. I need to back and re-read it all but I don’t feel that I am in a place right now to do that. I feel tired and without the emotional energy to feel why I was so tirggered. I feel that I need to do it when I have that energy.
    I feel sad about the weekend being here and that I will once again be all alone. I feel sad that I feel sad being alone….did anyone make sense of that? I feel afraid of what the weekend holds and I want to plan to do something that makes me feel good but I also feel like I can’t move. I feel like I am stuck in glue and can’t move. I feel like when I hear a noise at night and used to be home alone here in the house, I would get so scared that I couldn’t move and felt like I even wanted my breathing to be quiet and not make any noise….like I wasn’t even there. That is how I feel..invisible…not as a result of anything here but I can feel it coming from my personal situation …moving and Charles’ treatment of me and how I react to it. hmmmmmmm. I feel curious about that. That curiosity feels like a good thing to me.

    I am sending so much love and good thoughts to every single Siren on the island..those we know about and those we don’t.

    With much love….

    ps…Cookie..I feel happy that Rori addressed you personally…it made me feel good. 🙂

  154.  #154alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    i used to be a victim. i used to ” play nice. in the past i have been a target for bullying. and i never used to say anything about it. i was just “acting” nicer in between bouts os passive aggressive lashing out.

    i feel very proud of the way i handled myself last night. i used feeling messages. or how i FELT. I lashed out with the mariah carey comment and then i said to myself no i need to be honest instead of just strong passive aggressive girl.

    like gina said, i can be hardcore. to a really really hardcore degree. and this is what happened at my job. i just shut people out and pretended i didn’t care. with intermittent passive aggressiveness.

    it is all documented on this blog. my feelings of self loathing for realizing my own part in the whole thing. and my biggest regret was that I NEVER SPOKE UP AND SAID HOW I FELT until it was too late. and that was one of the most painful experiences i ever had in my life but the shift for me was huge.

    and it will NEVER go down like that again. i immediately feel when i feel certain dynamics and i speak up.

    i have a right to be my own person. i have said this so many time already.i feel unheard. i have a right to be my own person. erica if you were a coworker i would be polite but excuse myself from much socializing with you. if i continued to feel bullied i would take it to my boss. if my boss didn’t do anything i would see how i felt about my next decision.

    but mostly i would stop focussing on you and allow you to be who you are. i would do my best to appreciate the situation and how it was showing me contrast and do my best to appreciate what positive things i could. more than likely by doing this the situation would work itself out. i would either be promoted to a better position or company or you would quit or get fired or we would both allow each other to be as we are.

    but since we are on a x oops

    since we are on a community board and i am not Required to interact with you there is no reason to.

    that is life. people gravitiate towards people and situations that feel good when

  155.  #155Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Alias, I love the banter back and forth here, you and Daria….it’s just totally okay to have an off-topic conversation here, far as I’m concerned. Now –about the deeper stuff – anger and provoking and triggering. I really, really want to let Erika go full bore on here, because she’s bringing up scary stuff. Not in the way I would, but in the way she feels impelled to speak, at the stage she’s in in her own self, and in line with the way she works with her clients (many of them men).. I’ll continue to monitor the word choices and tone, but if you can hear the parts that are making you react the MOST — then Erika is serving you. You have the Tools to process this stuff, and it can only help you when you’re in a triggering situation with a man. I really, really want to strike a balance between safety and way too easy….between provocation that can help, and blind attacks that hurt. I think Erika falls into the helpful range — totally. Can we sink into the feelings she creates and process them? Love, Rori

  156.  #156alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    i feel bad being called toxic and being told i am angry and

    back when i was in my redo at work being told i deserved it

    i felt bad being poked at with words and being prodded and provoked to do something i don’t want to do. which is engage with a situation that continues to cause me to feel bad. i feel disrespected. i feel my BOUNDARIES ARE BEING VIOLATED. and that is a big thing for me. i am still healing in this area. obviously as i have drawn this situation to me so i can practice drawing boundaries when i feel like lashing out.

    practicie expressing feelings when i feel like shutting down and running away.

    i feel weird to be told i am playing victim. hmm that must be someone else is playing abuser.

    i feel empowered in how i handled myself.

    honestly though i still do feel scared about what to do when someone doesn’t respect my boundries and continues to harrass me and get everyone involved in a weird way.

    what is the solution to that? maybe i needn’t worry about it. maybe the solution is different for every situation and if i just continue to draw boundaires and speak feeling messages it will work out.

    i iwsh you the best ericka. i don’t want you kicked off the blog. but if you are going to continue to do what you have been doing for quite some time now i actually would want you gone from the blog. but that is not what i want. i want a peaceful coexxistence. i want to be able to be myself and make my own choices without being harrassed.

    i feel bad. if i had just been given the space i asked for maybe things would have worked out different. maybe that is how guys feel when they feel the need for space and the girl moves closer myabe they feel a need to pull even further away.

    feel messages are the way to go for me. they are easier to hear. and they feel more empowering to say. i am not perfect in my communication using them but i don’t need to be perfect.

    i don’t feel what you attribute to me erica. maybe those feelings belong to you?

    i feel a fast beating heart because i am in “fight” mode. meaning i am going to stay and stand my ground. i feel compassion because i understand what you are going through. this dynamic was originally createdby the two of us. but as i learned new toold and had a different experience about things i was no longer drawn to the dynamicof anger and passive aggressiveness and bullying. so i opted out. if it had been a man it would have been a breakup

  157.  #157alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    ugh. i feel donw with speaking about this.

    all i can say it i don’t feel good being attributed all these things and told authoritatively how i feel or what my intentions are.

    i feel really good to focus on how i feel and what i want and what feels good. i have a right o be my own person. i feel good to express myself using feeling messages..

    thank you.

  158.  #158alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    oh i just saw your comment rori. well here is how i feel about i. i do not want to engage with erica. i do not want to be used as an object of hositilty for someone and be publically bashed on an online forum where the entire world can read it.

    i do not want to be a part of erica’s issue here.

    so i don’t know how that would work. unless she can actually learn to speak in non judgemental feeling messages and try and find her truth and do some riffing that is focused on HERSELF. AND NOT ME.

    and even then i do not feel interested in being part of it. i do not feel respected. i do not feel good in interacting and i do not at this point feel interested.

    i hope you heal this for yourself erica it sounds like you are on your way. i do not want to be a part of this or be the focus of this or partake in this

    so what do you think? what is the solution?

  159.  #159gina on September 18, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I feel a little guilty for not being in total girl voice about the conflict. I know that’s how I tend to interact when there is conflict – either I do a pretty good job of “mentoring” with an objective voice, OR I have felt triggered and wasn’t conscious enough to articulate anything other than my anger, resentment, and/or judgment. It’s funny how energy patterns play out whether in cyberspace or real life. I wish everyone the best.

    I feel good about Rori’s response to my challenge with intimacy. That’s so weird cause I feel so strongly that he ought to grab my boobs. But then I’m imagining a grown up relationship, and it seems so NICE to be decent to one another and respect the whole person. Actually that is what he said when i asked him about his favorite “part” of a woman. He said “oh you can’t do that…you can’t dissect a person into “parts”.” That’s SO nice. It’s a wonderful way that he’s looking at things. And at me. I feel touched right now. i feel touched about all the love that my dad wanted to give me too. I feel tears and hurting and sorrow and sad. I feel a hole here. I feel love. But then I remember my dad’s scratchy face and the kisses in my ear that tickle and annoy me, and johnny’s lips that are sometimes missing the “magic” of passion, and just feel like lips. and I feel dread. Like ugh. I would have to deal with somebody’s lips every day. somebody’s body, smell, voice, habits EVERYTHING and I feel scared of it. I feel more scared of them being annoyed by me. ugh it’s awful. It sucks. I guess I’m not in the moment if I’m thinking about a lifetime. But when lips and breathe and bodies are lacking the magic, I feel freaked out, like who is this stranger? where did my lover go? will he ever come back? should I kiss this stranger to invoke my lover? I don’t want to. If I don’t, will I miss out on my lover forever? Am I a weirdo? do other people have so much trouble loving. An ex boyfriend (the only one) said that I don’t know how to love. Not my family, not my friends, nobody. And I told myself that he was just bitter that I didn’t love HIM. but deep down I worry that he was right. but I know that love isn’t easy. That’s why this forum exists. I feel defensive of myself against my judgmental self. I feel compassion for myself. I feel love for myself for taking risks and trying new things. I feel good knowing that I can grow and that I am growing.

  160.  #160Daria on September 18, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    I’m feeling really frustrated here. Personally I hear judgements and projections from BOTH sides and it doesn’t feel good.

    I would feel pist if I were told I was making someone the “object of my hostility” or “bullying” them. That feels like judgements and I would feel stuck and attacked and confused and mostly really angry.

    Like any attempt I made at communication would be judged as “bullying” when my intention may be to communicate in an honest matter and create connection with the person.

    This is what really stands out for me:

    “i don’t feel good being attributed all these things and told authoritatively how i feel or what my intentions are.”

    Exactly. And I feel upset seeing this happening. I feel protective of Erika. She may be a coach but she’s a woman and a human being. It doesn’t feel good to see her be judged.

    i don’t feel good reading Erika’s ‘observations’ about AG either, no matter how ‘logical’ they may seem. I would feel so TURNED OFF and GROSS hearing something like that.

    I don’t hear too much of Erika’s direct feelings, and I would feel more than super glad to hear them. I feel compelled to protect her.

    i feel overwhelmed

  161.  #161alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    gina i feel interested in your situation. i feel turned on being objectified. however i was with my EX and it wasn’t that same dynamic.hmm what am i trying to say. it wasn’t that sort of frenzied sexual charge. and i would wonder what it would be like if we were together for a lifetime. probably a sexual relationship evolves though just like anything so what it started as would be different five, ten, twenty years later.

    i felt interested in rori’s reminder to feel if the man wants to give or take.

    for myself i can’t tell with this man i went on a date with. is he trying to give or take? i feel intriguied that i don’t have clarity on this siutation. i like it this way for now. so i can’t immediately reject him and i can’t immediately want to throw him in the cage. this feels like a really good place to be. maybe your situation is similar gina.

    maybe keep ciruclar dating so you wouldn’t feel the perssure when things like considering your whole rest of your life with him come up. ?

    i feel appreciaitve of you sharing though because i have a tendency to use sex to avoid intimacy rather than deppen intimacy.

  162.  #162alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    i feel scared when i consider that maybe the 21 year old guy would be my guy for life. i feel ridiculous going there after only one date. but still. i feel scared. i feel better to just stay in the moment. i feel unsure.

    ok i feel better to just stay in the moment. in this moment i feel guilty i haven’t called him back yet from his call last night and then again this morning. i feel excited to talk to him. but also nervous. i also feel anger coming up? mmm. why? because i feel an opportunity for someone to get close to me and vice versa and my trigger response is anger and looking for some sort of fault or flaw so i can push the person away.

    oh. i feel sad about that. i don’t want to hurt him. well i feel good to just stay in the moment. i feel an instinct to run away. ok. well that’s good to know. i feel good to focus on something else. i feel laughing. i feel nervous to call him back.

  163.  #163gina on September 18, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I feel frustrated that neither Erika or Alias Girl has acknowledged that the other is articulating a blind spot about themselves that is holding them back, that other people may notice but don’t feel triggered by ENOUGH to say anything. They happen to majorly trigger each other, so they present each other with a unique opportunity for healing. In a way I’m grateful that the subject isn’t being dropped, cause I’m beginning to appreciate the opportunity to witness a “conflict” that could result with healing for BOTH people if each person could really hear what was being said. I’m learning a lot. I have a sense of urgency to gain perspective when I’m triggered and think I “have a right” to this or that, or that I “am right” – it’s not that I “don’t have a right” or that “I’m wrong”, it’s just that I…hmmm…i’m not sure…I maybe can’t hear the other person or I’m not in touch with what I feel down super deep…

  164.  #164Daria on September 18, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Hey Gina –

    I can totally relate. I feel so grossed out and overwhelmed sometimes when a man is tryna be too cuddly with me. It feels ICK!

    I want sexual Charge! That feels so much more interesting to me.

    I feel sad too reading Rori’s response, like oh no something is still “wrong” for me. But i have really felt this way, especially with ‘hovering’ guy. like if I try to allow him to have sex with me my body Literally feels repulsed and i feel like I’m going to be sick.

    Somehow even though he may be trying to give to me I just feel so turned off. Ew i can imagine it right now and It FEELS GROSS! It feels like he’s so submissive, or wanting to please me in a way that requires my approval… and in a way that could be good but it FEELS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

    help Rori I still don’t get it

  165.  #165alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    ok well i haven’t hear back from you, rori. so i am going to bounce. i feel appreciative of your support.

  166.  #166Daria on September 18, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Is it because deep down i feel like he wants my approval?

    I can imagine another guy offering these things and it feels like it would come from such a masculine, strong place.

    But with him i feel like it comes from like a 5 year old boy wanting to please his mommy place. Like he has these puppydog eyes that are looking for approval. YUCK

    help? this feels so important to me!

    this has happened over and over with different men

    also the Strong man I am fantasizing about I am basing on this one man who actually does not pursue me anymore, but who I still think about and wish he were… but really I’m projecting my Masculine Man on him, because I only knew him a little while and he didn’t totally act like my Masculine Man would

  167.  #167tinque on September 18, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Cassandra – Welcome back! It so nice hearing your voice and hearing about the amazing strides you have taken since you were last here.
    I feel so excited for you, your new adventure, your own place, and teaching dance classes…awesome.
    It will all sort itself put in the wonderful way the universe has of doing that.
    You seem really, really good, peaceful despite the sadness or maybe because of it…

  168.  #168alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    well i can’t control other people’s behavior. but i can draw boundaries. if my boundaries are not respected, i can speak up about it.

    what do i do if some verbally accosts me? i don’t really have any control over it seems.

    however, i was under the belief that there were certain guidelines on this blog. i was under the impression that there was a level of safety here.

    hmmm now i just noticed this comment by you, rori, posted at 12:05 that i don’t recall seeing before. so i feel weird to notice it now. was that up before? i feel weird.

    anyway you wrote:

    “Every coach needs to find her own way. When I was in training, we had a whole class in which we worked in groups of 3, two coaching each other, one observing. What we had to do was “get fired.” We had to “tell the truth” by “swinging out” in a fearless way. For most of us, it was terrifying. No one wanted to offend or get fired. Erika is willing to get fired. That’s something I’d like all of you to model. Now…the trick here, for Erika and all of us, is to stay CONSCIOUS no matter what. We’ll talk about that in a later post. Love, Rori”

    and well i feel weird. erica was willing to get fired as a coach by who?

    well since you wrote this in response to this entire situation i feel weird it might be me

    and i feel weird because well, i never hired erica to be my coach. she was never hired so i can imagine any coach that goes and tries to make a client out an unwilling participant is going to run into some difficulties and be frustrated that the “client” is not cooperating or appreciating the “services” and “diagnosis” being offered.

    so well i just feel weird.

    i feel rather unsafe rori that this is what you wrote. i feel confused.

    so umm well i’m going to stick around and see how i feel but if this blog is not what i had initially perceived it to be and it’s just this open forum well then i would certainly make other choices about how and what i share and if i would even stay here.

    i can go anywhere and just write stuff. heck i have a blog. i can be blogging all this. but iwas under the impression that it was a safe community of sirens who share from their own feelings and learn from that.

    not somewere where someone was going to pluck me up as their unsolicited client so they could coach me to perfection.

    i don’t want to be coached by the other sirens. no offense. i mean suggestions feel ok. or here’s what worked for me.

    but other than that, nah, not really seeking a siren coach on here.

    i feel flattered that i have been singled out though.

    like i said i understand in the real world people can scream obscenities at me or call out my name like i am some kind of celebrity and what can i really do. they have a right to do that. but if it became harrassment i would have a right to a restraining order.

    on this blog i just thought people were following rori’s guidelines for sharing.

    if that is not the case or if i am going ot be continually prodded to do something i do not want to do well i may just feel better with a different community.

    i mention this and write this now because i feel pretty sure that that post of rori’s (the 12:05 one) wasn’t up before. so i felt another prod. and well i just don’t feel that great about it.

    if i am incorrect, and that post has been up there the whole time then forgive my continual reaction to this as it would seem i’m stirring it up again on my own.

    which actually is not my wish. but i wil not just flee this community without speaking my truth.

    i will speak and observe and see how i feel. if i continue to be prodded and provoked then i will probably find a place where i feel supported and accepted. which was how i came to feel here.

    with the exceptions that i am now dealing with publically no less.

    but yae for me because i really feel i wil be more prepared when my songs go big and i become a celebrity and they have to deal with crap like this all the time.

    and i imagine, eventually they just ignore it.

    which would be fine. but in a
    1) work situation
    or 2) on this blog i thought was formatted for safety

    well it is more empowering for me to confront it rather than ignore it. because i am all for being more empowered

    rori was that post up there before? i seem to remember it not being there?

  169.  #169gina on September 18, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    i noticed the post before. i felt confused about the “fired” stuff. I was thinking maybe “fired” meant “fired up” – like emotional – she was determined to express her point of view. Since we were all encouraged to model this, I feel intrigued. When erika was expressing herself i felt judgment, like “sheesh, who do you think you are? what makes you think that your feelings are so important that you can go around insisting that people care?? major turnoff. I think I may start ignoring your posts, too.” The way that translates for me is that I may express myself, but if someone were to tell me that I was approaching stalker mode and that I was making them uncomfortable, I would probably abandon my feelings to try to correct my “image” and “behave myself.” on the one hand that makes me feel like a “good girl,” and “wise” or above “irrationality,” but I feel compassion for the part of me that went unheard. I just realized that if it had been a debate about facts, I would have stuck to my guns, and I would not back down. I definitely have an affinity for being “right.” for one whole year of highschool I hardly spoke to anyone because I thought the kids around me were being dumb – I’m not nearly as extreme now, but it’s in me to sacrifice relationships for the sake of being “right,” but I feel very uncomfortable having the same determination to stand for my feelings. In fact, I wish I had tools (and determination) at that time to do something about the feelings of anger, sadness and loneliness that I did have.
    Okay, so I’m seeing value in how Erika was willing to “fight” for her feelings. I want to understand what Rori recommended about how to be effective – “staying conscious.” What would that look like? And could she do it as a siren? or would she have to be in “coach mode”? Maybe if she just kept acknowledging her own triggered-ness? How would I feel if I were to witness her adamantly expressing her feelings full bore without judging or analyzing? I think I would feel respect – there were pieces that did ring true and did reach me (when it was feeling messages). I can imagine myself expressing myself this way. I just thought of times when i’ve been approached by men late at night on the street, and I just kept saying I felt uncomfortable, and they left. If I tried to ignore them, or if I was even thinking judgment and they could see it in my eyes, I was in for harassment. Those moments felt like survival mode, so I was willing to stand up for myself, and feeling messages were the only way I have been heard.
    I don’t even know if I grasped what rori meant, but i feel good having processed some of those ideas.

  170.  #170alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    hmm i dunno know. maybe being a celebrity wouldn’t be so great after all. people just talk smack about you. everybody has an opinion. usually negative about you.

    on the other hand how exciting that people would focus on me as if i were something to talk about. good or bad right? at least they’d be talking about me and thinking about me and driving all that energy towards me and maybe with all that energy i could build a whole new solar system or something. start charging for space shuttle trips to alias girl’s new solar system.i would be rich rich rich.

    ah but then maybe people would start hitting me with frivolous lawsuits.

    i don’t think so. i think i would be one of those celebrities like george clooney or meryl streep and everyone likes them.

  171.  #171Ann on September 18, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Rori I’m not sure I understand your advice. I have been in situations where a person is constantly trying to engage me in what they were thinking or feeling. They would keep on even when I would say I don’t want to participate in this. No matter how many feeling messages I used or didn’t use they would insist I see and acknowledge what they were saying. I could even agree they have the right to feel and say whatever they wanted but I also have the right not to participate. Are you saying I should participate in a discussion, arguement, disagreement whatever you want to call it even if it doesn’t feel good for me to do so?

    If so I respectably disagree. It’s my choice to heal the way I choose. To engage with who I choose. And I choose to engage with anyone as long as I feel safe doing it. I can engage in any kind of conversation as long as I feel safe and respected in it and as long as I feel I can speak to the other person in a respectful manner. I very much dislike feeling like I’m not talking to a person in a way that can understand and feel respected even tho they may disagree.

  172.  #172gina on September 18, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    I got to experience 15 minutes of fame – a little part of me longs for the glamour, but 95% of that longing has worn off. It mostly made me feel unnaturally important, which I was aware of, but I bought into it at the same time. It feels good to be focused on what really seems to matter, and fame and fortune only matter cause i want respect, freedom, power and glamour. I intend to manifest those things while remaining humble and continuing to relish the simple joys of life.

  173.  #173alias girl on September 18, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    i feel a little excited that that guy i went on (one) date with could be My Guy. i mean maybe he’s not who knows. i just feel excited to feel the excitement of Possibility.

    i feel curious if he is the best man in the world. because i just know i am going to end up with the best man in the world and maybe that is him.

    i feel excited. even if it’s not him. i feel excited that i am in this place emotionally because it means even if it is not him then my guy is still very very near by and literally he’s already here. i feel very excited.

    logistically i think (think) how could it be him?

    but something else says – it could be.

    i guess i will just have to stay for the rest of the movie to see how it turns out.

  174.  #174gina on September 19, 2009 at 12:01 am

    to johnny about sex, I think I will say something like…

    “I feel weird about our conversation the other night. what I was trying to express is that I really appreciate that you aren’t putting on any pressure for sex at all. i love that. But a part of me worries that maybe you aren’t attracted to me. I’d love to know what you’re thinking.”

    and then I’d like to say something like…

    “I feel good about my decision not to have sex with a man unless marriage is on the table. I don’t want to put any pressure on this relationship – I’m in no rush – but, in general, I’m ready for the real deal, and I’m not interested in having sex unless the point is to develop a strong bond.”

    And I do agree that continuing to circular date is important. I’ve been good about flirting in general but I haven’t been on any actual dates since I started dating Johnny.

  175.  #175alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:04 am

    oh gina. i just had a thought that could be way off base but it popped into my head so i am going to say it.

    maybe you are leaned forward sexually?

    what do you think?

  176.  #176alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:08 am

    i can be humble and be famous. well only as humble as i am now. although probably more humble because people will be having all sorts of opinions about me and i imagine that humbles a person.

    fame isn’t like it used to be back in the days of glitz and glamour and famous people were idolized and made out to be perfect. fame is a whole different animal in this time of now.

    but still it’s like a place i want to visit just to see what it’s like. and maybe write a book about it. a place to visit like: hawaii, ireland, africa, fame.

  177.  #177gina on September 19, 2009 at 12:15 am

    fame is weird. cause like Kanye West may have misbehaved, but people do a lot, but his screw up has way bigger consequences. That’s what felt bad for me. I felt like everything I did/said was SO important cause the stakes were high and people were counting on me/watching me. I was on the oprah show in my underwear and stood on stage talking to oprah in front of a live studio audience, on camera, in my undies, and I started talking about “thigh tucking.” It was mortifying. I’ve never put those two words together before “thigh” and “tucking” – never said ’em till I said it to the big O. and i had the HARDEST time forgiving myself. Even though they cut out that part of what I said… I still was like W T F ??????

    Anyhoo…YES you are TOTALLY correct. I’ve been leaning forward sexually. I can think of numerous examples when i was actually Leaning Forward. hmm. So do I not even bring this subject up? I feel confused.

  178.  #178gina on September 19, 2009 at 12:17 am

    I’m thinking that the first part of the speech above is good, but I’m getting ahead of myself with the second part.

  179.  #179gina on September 19, 2009 at 12:17 am


  180.  #180alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:25 am

    well how do you feel about having a conversation?

    i feel super super confused though about your speech in the earlier post. i remember you had shared how maybe it might feel good to have him ravage you a bit more. yet in the second part of your speech you are telling him you don’t want sex unless the point is to develop a strong bond.

    i feel confused and i am not sure why. maybe my own issues? i like sex to be sex. and for me, personally, there is a bonding that arises out of that. (i am part man remember) and bonding sounds like caresses and delicacy and

    i like that you are sharing this gina because i have my own uncertanties about sex and emotions and attachment and commitment and all of that whole thing.

  181.  #181alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:27 am

    i feel unsure if my last post made sense because i used bonding in two different contexts.

    is bonding the same as attachment?

    i feel amused i am CONFUSING MYSELF. hehe

  182.  #182alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:34 am

    i feel suspicious that kanye just loves the drama. i mean if he is so “passionate” and whatever that he cannot control himself to not bust the stage at an awards show and proclaim BEYONCE MADE THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME

    psssshhhh right. i bet he said to himself it beyonce doesn’t win that award i’m gonna bum rush that stage and then crossed his fingers hoping she didn’t win. hehe. i mean this is based on nothing but speculation and unfair judgement.

    i like kanye though.

    but still if he is going to claim he couldn’t control his impulse to do that then i would be worried about him and his impulse control. i would feel a little scared of him actually,

    he’s got that new song out and a tour coming out. he’s just hyping himself. he was on leno the next day acting all apologetic. then he gets up on the stage and sings “we gonna run this town tonight with Beyonce’s husband.” psssshhhhh the media machine.

    but people love the hype so props to him.

  183.  #183alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:47 am

    wouldn’t i feel sure though? i mean if a guy were my guy wouldn’t i know immediately? it seems like i would. and so if that is the case then this guy is Not my guy.

    plus maybe he is just like training wheels. like the universe brought him to say this is how it might be are you ready? and i say to the universe yes, thank you. i am ready.

    but there are missing elements with this guy. and i know i know it’s only been one date and i am spinning in my head. i know. i’ll stop. circular dating will be good to continue doing. weird though. i feel like maybe i shouldn’t because of that whole “be my girlfriend” and then we ‘broke up’ that same day and some of the things he said but

    well my gut says he may be that kind of guy that just likes to pursue hard to capture and then once he’s got you sucked in he’s bored and wants out. and other things. i have a lot of reservations about this guy and i just really really want to find my guy so maybe i am trying to make a guy that has SO MANY of the elements that i want in a man. only it is possible he is not the best man in the world.

  184.  #184alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 12:52 am

    aw well. i still feel very excited about HOW CLOSE I AM. i mean My Guy is practically sitting on my nose he is so close.

    but i don’t think it’s this one. oooh now i feel guilty because i don’t even want to date him now. which kind of goes against rori’s suggestions of circular dating maybe. like keep him in until another man takes his place. but well i don’t want to keep him in if he’s only toxic pursuer guy. because i don’t want to get attach to a toxic man. and i get attached really easy. esp when it comes to words and being treated well.

    my EX acted like i was the best thing since the moon when we met and all the way up until i was “in” for him. and then he was basically done pursuing.

    ok well that was in the past. i feel good i feel excited and i will know when i know and i feel pretty sure this guy is not my guy.

    did i just talk myself out of something or did i just work through my true feelings???

  185.  #185gina on September 19, 2009 at 12:55 am

    I just know myself enough to know that I would HATE myself if I did what he did. whether it was sorta intentional or not, I would have to fight the Judge in me SO HARD that it would SUCK, even if a part of me loved the drama and attention. Actually, ESPECIALLY if I sorta loved the drama – I would think I was a sellout piece of crap.

    Yeah, I guess I feel confused, too. On the one hand, I’m like, UGH forget this lovey dovey crap. Barf. I want a guy who want’s me to put my boobs in his face, and I want him to alternate between ravaging and worshiping me. and then i’d like to feel respected. I want him to be so “cool” that sometimes I feel scared that I won’t get to have him again, but then he does something small, like brush his arm against mine, and I feel a surge of attraction, and I wonder, did he just feel that?? And I like to wonder for awhile, and then when I can’t hardly stand the suspense any longer, I want him to let me know, without saying a word, how much he wants me.

    but all that is sorta like games – I’ve never had that sorta minidrama in a healthy relationship, and it just doesn’t sound like a mature healthy way to be. and I feel sorta BORED with healthy.

    But then another part of me wants security. And the security is a much higher value than the cheap thrills because I’d like to have a family, and i want a man I can count on. I WISH that I could feel secure AND tantalized. I don’t rule out that it’s possible. The last time I saw Johnny, making out was pretty great. I feel uncomfortable with my Hot/Cold feelings.

    Okay. simplify. I don’t want him to actually ravage me, I just want to sense that he wants to.

    I am glad that he’s not like other guys who say things like “I’m an Ass man.” ESPECIALLY since I’m 40% boobs. Or even the guys who say things like “those are fun.” But I want to hear what his “philosophy” is so that I can get some sense of the MAN behind the gentleman.

  186.  #186gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:00 am

    my roommate met johnny last night, and today she was like “Gina, that guy is SO sexy and cute!!! his accent is adorable. He’s so smart!! He is just adorable. He’s top notch on the top drawer. If you don’t keep him, I want him!” And I was like “you can have him if he wants you. I’m not giving him to you, but I’m not holding on either. I trust true love to fall where it may, and I won’t ‘claim’ someone. I’ll be pissed if you try to interfere. And I don’t really like hearing about how you feel about him, seeing as how I’m dating him…” And she was like “well, meeting him has given me insight into the kind of guy that I want, but I don’t think that he is the guy for me. I think he’s PERFECT for you and I am surprised that you are having any complaints at all (I told her about my weird feelings). I’m saying how I feel about him hoping that it will awaken a desire in you. Cause I think you two were made for eachother. I think he’s absolutely adorable.” I was like whoa. I need to go on dates with other me.

  187.  #187gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Alias girl, I’m wondering if you’re in imaginary relationship mode?

  188.  #188alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:08 am

    ok i feel weird i am still posting but well i am.

    how do i feel?

    i feel bad. i feel bad that i cannot understand him well on the phone and maybe he senses that and so wants to get off the phone a lot?

    i feel bad he told me things from his past that scared me a little and i am holding those things against him. i have a TON of things i could tell him from my past that could give people a reason not to want to be with me.

    i feel scared. i feel scared of getting close to someone.

    i feel concerned about the age difference. why? i feel financially mainly. if he were a wealthy 21 year old i would feel ok about it because we got along ok and when we were together i didn’t really feel the age difference.

    i feel weird because when he talks to me on the phone he uses a different voice than when i heard him talking to other people. his voice with other people is louder and confident and more pressured. with me it is warbly and softer and i can’t barely even understand what in the heck he is saying and i actually feel angry about that. i feel like saying speak up. annunciate. wtf are you saying?! i feel bad i feel angry but that is how i feel.

    i feel yeah the finanical thing. he’s got nothing. NOTHING. seriously. whatever little you are guessing he has financially it is far far less than that. (yet he offered to pay for everything)

    i feel confused.

    plus his “prank” about that woman being his girlfriend and i just feel bad. i feel bad. ok this is the truth. i feel bad. i had a GREAT date. and then it was I FEEL BAD pretty much from that point on. well no that’s not true. argh.. am i just trying to find reasons not to give him a chance?

    because we had a good conversation after that. and then some lameo conversations where i felt he abruptly got off the phone as soon as he had called me and i was like why’d you call? but maybe that is just a guy thing or he just wanted to be in contact?

    plus i am used to spending a lot of time alone and he almost can’t bear to be alone.

    ugh. i feel scared. i feel confused. i dated this guy once and he hated to be a lone and basically it was evident very very soon after he hated to be alone because he hated himself. we dated for like a week and i was like hmm no. he kept purposefully creating conflict. i think i mentioned this once before. he later wrote a book about how he purposefully created conflicts with people so that he could have a distraction from his own horrible feelings. and this guy’s “prank” felt like that. oh oh oh i feel bad and scared.

    i don’t know what’s real. my gut says that either way. he is a sociopathic liar or he is a purposeful conflict creator—either of those equals NO THANK YOU.

    so thank you universe for showing me clearly the truth so i can make healthy decisions. and if this truly is a good man and i am just creating stories of fear in my head please illuminate the truth to me sooner rather than later. thank you. i feel very appreciative. i feel very loved and cared for thank you.

  189.  #189gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:09 am

    another thing about my boobs. I hated them when they were sprouting, I became anorexic to control them, I had a breast reduction, had complications, had another breast reduction, had major complications, was awake during a scar revision, then had more complications, and in the end…I STILL had big boobs. I felt super lucky cause all my body image woes fueled my passion during the dove campaign, Oprah touched my boob, and i thought it might turn to gold and was sad when they didn’t. All in all, my boobs and I have been through SO MUCH. I see them as a major part of my identity, and I guess I need a man to love em.

  190.  #190alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:15 am

    thank you ann. yes . i feel amused at myself. i am debating whether or not he is my life partner. heehee. after one date.

    but i feel scared. if he is i feel scared.

    if he is not and is super toxic man i feel scared.

    if he were not and was just normal nice guy i would feel fine and keep dating him.

    ok well certainly i am not going to solve the puzzle tonight right NOW.

  191.  #191gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:20 am

    Okay, well even though I felt weird last night, I don’t feel like oh no johnny could be the guy and that scares me and feels bad. And that’s how I usually feel – I always play out the scenario of whether this could be IT!!! And there have been times that I’ve been like “Really, God? a communist? a cowboy? a graffitti artist? a baby talker? a guy who can’t spell CAT?” I was disappointed in who I thought maybe God aligned me with. there were a couple of guys who I though were pretty great, but it was TOTALLY imaginary, and Johnny actually has inspired me to see that a good fit feels good. Like I don’t feel super scared that he could be it. it doesn’t feel perfect, and i don’t know if this is it, but I’m not like “sheesh Universe…really? this is what I’ve been waiting for?” I’m more like “whoa! he’s pretty amazing – thanks for sending him my way!” About the stuff that isn’t feeling good, it feels like it’s deep in me, and there’s a gap in the communication – it doesn’t feel like something that I don’t like about HIM.

  192.  #192alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:21 am

    gina i feel compassion to hear of your relationship to your boobs,

    i had a sort of complicated relationship to my face. still do actually. actually for the last three days i have been Defocussing from my face. after i read about daria’s healing of her scar i started looking on the internet about how to use loa to heal my face and make a pretty complexion. and basically i came to the conclusion to STOP focussing on my flaws and keeping them in place with my thoughts. so i only look in the mirror once a day. and a couple of times i’ll forget and accidentally cathc myself in the mirror and i;ll laugh and kid to myself how i got “sucked in.”

    but i feel this experiment will make me beautiful. because there is nothing impeding that possibility now. i feel embarrassed admitting this but it is true.

  193.  #193alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:25 am

    so would My Guy already come well equipped with dollar bills?

  194.  #194alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:26 am

    gina i feel glad you made peace with your boobs. do you think you might talk about that on your website?

  195.  #195gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:31 am

    I have a bit of a face issue, too. I have pretty clear skin, but I have been struggling with a compulsive tendency to pick my skin. If a pore is clogged, I will pick at it to “fix” the problem. Usually, i do more harm than good. Sometimes the urge to pick is super strong. I have spent hours and hours picking. Sometimes the urge isn’t so strong. But, usually, if i go a few days without picking, i will feel a SUPER strong urge and go to town. I know I’m not alone – I have a friend who was “passionate” about picking, and now she’s and aesthetician and picks people’s skin for a living. It’s interesting, cause i always thought I have a “picking problem,” and she never thought there was anything wrong with it.

    Anyhoo, i have some scars on my face, and sometimes i’ll create blemishes and I feel self conscious and ashamed, and it makes it very difficult for me to be close face to face with a man. Especially with lights on . i want to hide. This is definitely an obstacle for me. BtW, when i had my little fifteen minutes, i struggled with SUPER strong urges to pick, especially when the pressure was high. I struggled with a lot of self loathing for times that I picked at my skin right before an important tv appearance, photoshoot, interview, event etc. I had a really hard time forgiving myself for that.

  196.  #196gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:34 am

    I’ve talked about my boobs in front of audiences before and it felt weird cause I have had a tendency to go into graphic detail (the wound opened day by day by day…etc) and I felt very exposed, and it seemed like I was traumatizing people…like the only thing I didn’t do was lift up my shirt and show the folks exactly what I was talkin bout. I do think it’s a story I want to tell, I want to say it in the most productive way. I also don’t want to scare girl scout troop leaders into thinking that I’m going to tell wild stories to their girls. It’s a delicate balance…

  197.  #197gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:36 am

    it’s possible that your guy will come with money. I’m amazed that johnny has a great job and he wants a wife to stay at home. he believes in chivalry, yet is attracted to strong women. Those are his words – music to my ears!!

  198.  #198alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:37 am

    thank yor for bringing me the best man in the world. i feel so good to be with him and i recognize him and he recognizes me and we bring out the best in each other and i feel so grateful for that. i and i feel so amazed. and i feel so proud to show him off and tell everybody he is my guy. i feel so proud of him and he is so proud of me and i feel a deep understanding and acceptance between us. i feel an easy going attitude and a high vibration between us. we are both captains of our own ships of happiness and are able to take responsibility for our own happiness which only enhances out union.

    thank you very much for bringing me this wonderful man. i feel so good in his presence and i feel like my best goddess self. i feel i am able to fully shine and it is welcome and encouraged and he is able to fully shine as his own self and it is welcomed and encouraged and most appreciated.
    thank you. i feel so so so grateful. words can not say.

  199.  #199gina on September 19, 2009 at 1:39 am

    that sounds good alias girl. You’ll know when your man has arrived when he fits what you asked for.

  200.  #200alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:45 am

    i know this woman that does electrolysis and before she got into it she had this obsession with hair. first her own and then on other people. she loves what she does. she used to be in the movie biz. hehe. so i found your story about you esthetician friend interesting.

    yeah i feel my guy will probably come with funds. otherwise it;s like wtf. we can’t do anything. plus i don’t want to be with a man who is in financial survival mode and doesn’t spend on even just comfort items because i wouldn’t want to have to lower my vibration down to his in order to help him feel like the man.

    and i don’t want to be the one paying for things to keep up my standar of living and wanting to include him. does that make sense?

    so it seems the man would have to come funded.

    but about the boobs to the kids. since your struggle started at puberty other girls might being just waiting to hear someone speak about so they can find some relief. certainly you woudln’t want too get too physically graphic but the emotional aspect for the girls/women would probably be very healing

  201.  #201heartbeat on September 19, 2009 at 1:56 am

    Oh my gawd my head is spinning – so much going on, so much I feel moved to respond to positively and intrigued – and not the time or energy right now. I’ll probably be away for some time, a week or so.

    Just nipped on to say a quick Hi Five to Cassandra Redhead – and send warm hugs and best wishes. xxxx

    Also wanted to thank Flipper for her great comment early on in the thread, the one where she mentions Sirens reading even though we may not hear them. It was beautiful.

    Thanks to All xxxx

  202.  #202heartbeat on September 19, 2009 at 1:58 am

    I’m moved by your story, Gina, and you feel like an amazing woman. I feel gratitude for your openness. Thank you xxx

  203.  #203alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 1:59 am

    i feel good to keep circular dating and trust the universe. and STAY IN THE NOW.

    i also feel good to go to sleep. 🙂

  204.  #204gina on September 19, 2009 at 2:22 am

    Thanks heartbeat!!!

    I intend to attract love like that song “halo” – where it’s all glowy and the love just changes the air and everything into beauty. I intend to open my heart and love myself enough to allow a man to love me. Even though i like to pick my skin, I love myself completely. I intend to attract manly strength so that I can lean back and be my feminine goddess self with a man. I also intend to use my masculine strength to achieve some important challenging goals over the next couple of weeks. I intend to feel good. i intend to be a clear channel of brilliant light and fulfill my destiny each and every moment.

  205.  #205Tracy on September 19, 2009 at 4:03 am

    Love your posts….i am really triggered by men i don’t feel any sexual attraction for….i feel frustrated and i feel like i am supposed to feel something but i don’t…..and i end up feeling guilty about it….and i can’t decide when i should be honest about what i am really feeling….and sometimes i end up going along with it….I feel bad admitting all these…
    I remember my childhood days where in our traditions men are to be served dinner…washed for their clothes and all the housework activities…In all my life i never saw my dad clean up or wash dishes…and the only thing he cooked was meat…
    When i had to do the house chores i developed a resentment towards men in general and i felt that it was unfair that i had to keep on giving and giving and giving…..surprising enough most of my relationships in the past have had the same pattern where i am always giving and giving and giving….I feel bad about it yet i kept doing it….I also realized that i never really decided anything…The man would decide when to leave the relationship THEN I would decide what to do next….
    I am finally learning to MAKE DECISIONS for myself about myself irregardless of where the dude is at and to speak honestly about my feelings…
    Its been a big shift for me to move from Giving to receiving…I feel intrigued about Rori’s comment about how we should check and see whether the man wants to take something from me…or does he want to give…..

  206.  #206alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 9:30 am

    tracy i feel a sense of developing empowerment reading your comment. i feel good and hopeful. like a morning light shining through.

    i woke up this morning and i was lying in bed getting my thoughts to a positive place and i had this awareness that i have a greater feeling of safety in the world. i kind of stilled myself fo a minute and was fully in my body. and i said silently to myself, ‘oh this is what that feels like.’

    i also had this feeling of love for myself. almost like i would for a puppy. and i thought hmmm i have a love for myself. i can feel this. and it reminded me of eckhart tolle when he explains the moment he realized there were two “i'” s or two “selves” . there is me, alias girl. and there is this other energy being that “has love for myself”.

    i wonder if waking up in the mornings will start getting easier for me. that would feel super yae.

  207.  #207Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Oooooh Alias Girl…lovely…Rori

  208.  #208Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Hi, Alias Girl –I have to speak to Erika, tinque and Mercedes differently sometimes, because they are professional coaches. We can model being coach-like with a man by hanging onto ourselves, choosing our words, staying with the Mantra, telling the truth, and staying conscious. Which means, to me, staying with what’s going on inside you, and expressing that, without opinions, rather than “acting out” – which is what we do when we “spew,” when we get defensive, when we go passive-aggressive, when we go “around” the truth, when we try to be nice, or attack, or do old behaviors that are not authentic to who we are are on the DEEPEST levels (not our superficial selves, full of pretending and “stuff”).

    But, essentially – PROFESSIONALLY – a coach is in a different place. Coaching means you get triggered CONSTANTLY, and it’s crucial to stay focused on giving to the other person. So 0Coaching is MASCULINE in many ways. It’s initiating…it’s doing a JOB while relating. (Remember how I say I’m the only boy here? What I might say to Erika, Tinque or Mercedes as a person would be different from what I’d say to one of them as a coach. There are times for us all to be coach-like with a man…Listening at Level 2 is feminine, being present, being open…but there are masculine aspects to it that don’t BELONG in a romantic relationship.

    About being “fired.” For us, in RELATIONSHIP…I would just like to use that willingness to be fired, to lose the relationship, to end things…in order to have the important things…happiness, love, and the TRUTH. I know this is sketchy. I’ll have to write this in posts.

    Also, I see all the comments on screen in the order they come in on, not in the order on each post, so they will seem out of order to you, and kind of get fit into the order in the post…Love, Rori

  209.  #209Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Gina, I think this is a brilliant bunch of insights:

    Okay, so I’m seeing value in how Erika was willing to “fight” for her feelings. I want to understand what Rori recommended about how to be effective – “staying conscious.” What would that look like? And could she do it as a siren? or would she have to be in “coach mode”? Maybe if she just kept acknowledging her own triggered-ness? How would I feel if I were to witness her adamantly expressing her feelings full bore without judging or analyzing? I think I would feel respect – there were pieces that did ring true and did reach me (when it was feeling messages). I can imagine myself expressing myself this way. I just thought of times when i’ve been approached by men late at night on the street, and I just kept saying I felt uncomfortable, and they left. If I tried to ignore them, or if I was even thinking judgment and they could see it in my eyes, I was in for harassment. Those moments felt like survival mode, so I was willing to stand up for myself, and feeling messages were the only way I have been heard. Very, very powerful, Gina. Thank you.
    I don’t even know if I grasped what rori meant, but i feel good having processed some of those ideas.

  210.  #210alias girl on September 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    thank you rori. i feel very appreciative of your response. i feel bad about being confused about when that 12:05 comment came up. i feel bad if i was accusatory. please forgive me. i feel appreciative.

    i understand a willingess to be “fired” from a relationship. meaning i am willing to speak my truth even if it means the demise of the situation/relationship etc. i feel in agreement with this. in fact, i feel that is what i did in this most recent situation that just happened on the blog as well as at my work situation. i was willing to lose my space in this community because if i did not speak my truth i really didn’t have a true authentic space anyway.

    i feel convicted that the WAY in which one speaks their truth is going to predict how well something might go to some extent. also willing to be “fired” as a coach is possibly different than as a girlfriend or friend or fellow blog siren.

    As a coach, one might Purposefully try and provoke someone so things can be worked through. The relationship has already been rooted in trust and the agreed upon focus of the relationship is to work through one’s own muddley soup. (although personally i never picked therapists or coaches who were purposefully provoking because honestly that just feels like antagonism for me and it inspires distrust and shutting down. but that is FOR ME)

    However, i would not want my boyfriend purposefully provoking me. that feels unsafe to me. nor do i feel good with other sirens purposefully provoking me so they can help “coach” me through my stuff. as i stated before, i am not seeking “coaching” from people i didn’t hire as a coach or who i didn’t ask for that from. it feels busybody and intrusive to me. forgive me if i’ve done it to others.

    also, when one hires a coach. well i would have researched that person and felt a resonance and felt yes i believe what this person is teaching and i feel they have more Expertise than me in this area. so there is that dynamic in the relationship agreed upon by both parties.

    but if someone else, that i did not hire as a coach tries to dissect me and “coach” me with their self- proclaimed expertise then i feel turned off. People i did not solicit who come at me with an authoritative “stance” and tell me what my problem is and what i should be doing about it… well i normally don’t feel that open to hearing them.

    so i understand people on this blog are coaches in other areas of their life. i feel curious are they visiting this blog to learn rori’s tools or to “coach” others or maybe both?

    but like rori said since coaching can fall into ‘masculine’ mode it feels counterproductive to be in the masculine while on this blog sharing. i guess unless people are soliciting your “coaching”.

    i liked what gina wrote also. i believe people will continue to be harrassed and victimized until they stand up for themselves and speak their truth. and feeling messages have worked the best for me in this area.

    as far as judging people, ever since my shift i really just try and turn away from it. focus on something else. i’m not going to like everyone. but i can turn away from what i don’t resonate with and focus on what i do.

    i had a friend that liked to complain and gossip and i didn’t want to lose the friend but i couldn’t tolerate the gossiping anymore. so i would just try and focus on something else to talk about. eventually the friendship dissolved though because we were no longer a match vibrationally.

    i believe in this work. i have experienced the best shifts of my life because of these tools and programs. i believe in happy ever afters.

    i believe in allowing others to be who they are being and being allowed to be who i am being.

  211.  #211tinque on September 19, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    AG – I love your honesty and openness. It’s refreshing. In answer to your question about why another coach would regularly visit someone else’s site, I can only speak for myself here.
    I’ve known Rori for a long time and in various capacities. She was my savior at a time when I was about to sink under, and I was there with her at a time when she was about to “hit the big time”.
    I adore her and have followed her work as it developed and grew. As a friend I love her and want to know what’s she’s up to especially now that she’s no longer a short drive away.
    As a coach I don’t know it all, nor do I have all the answers. I trust Rori for many reasons, so who else would I follow but someone I trust. But I don’t follow her necessarily as a patient would follow a therapist though I deeply respect her and her work, and I do incorporate some of her teachings.
    As a coach and as a woman and as a human, I’m always growing and learning. What better place to do some of that than here.
    Over time I have become fond of many of the sirens here and care about what they are doing and what’s going on with them, so I follow their stories, your stories, here.
    That’s it. Hope this answers your question

  212.  #212Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Lovely, AG, and thank you. I have seen many of my friends and former clients turn into coaches themselves because their girlfriends wanted to know how they turned their lives around, and wanted help to do the same. I love mentoring people to be in the line of work they want. It’s all good….Love, Rori

  213.  #213Cassandra on September 20, 2009 at 7:59 am

    AG…I too appreciated your openness and honesty in sharing your truth. I ahve not followed the conflict posts above because I felt really really uncomfortable with them but I DO feel a deepl respect and admiration for you and how you communicate now in feelinge messages and stay in your truth. I love it. It makes me feel really hopeful that I too will get there with being true to ME. I celebrate your journey!! 🙂

    Rori…I have a question…..AG you said this….’i liked what gina wrote also. i believe people will continue to be harrassed and victimized until they stand up for themselves and speak their truth. and feeling messages have worked the best for me in this area.’

    I am really trying to stick with feelings messages too in everything that I do…even my business dealings and I feel that most of the time I am right in the middle of them but sometimes I get back into my head. It feels great to try to stay in my feelings even if alot of the time I don’t know exactly what they are…..still working on that part too.

    My question however is this…..
    ‘i believe people will continue to be harrassed and victimized’….I have really struggled with this because I never learned to have any boundaries whatsoever. It feels great to finally be setting up some boundaries for myself and taking care of me. My question though is about attracting the people that we attract into our lives. If I look back into every single relationship that I have ever had with a man…..every single one of them were terrible relationships. Each of the men that I have had in my life – there hasn’t been many in relationship terms but each of them has been abusive in some sort of way…mostly either verbally and emotionally but the abuse has been there. Each time I have tried so hard to NOT make that same mistake but it has happened each time. If I am attracting this type of man…does that mean that I myself am abusive?? I fel scared thinking that that could even be the case. I feel that I am a loving, deeply caring and compassionate lady with a huge heart that bends over backwards to support my man in way way that I can. I feel deeply scared feeling that it is even a remote possibility that I myself am abusive. I don’t feel that is the case at all as even in arguements I don’t yell or scream or raise my voice or use foul language at all and I am not into name calling or any of that. Mostly, I end up in tears and walk away with things unresolved for me. I read something that said that we attract what we are and I felt so afraid after reading that because I do NOT feel that I am anything like the men that have been in my life. Now with my challenges in not having strong, if any boundaries I can totally see where that could attract an abusive man as he could easily get away with the things that Charles has….and did. THAT, I can see but if we attract what we are?? I felt really afraid of THAT as I don’t feel that I am at all abusive. Am I not seeing myself for who I really am?? I feel that I know myself pretty well and I KNOW that I am not someone who would ever say/ do the things to someone else/ anyone that Charles has said/ done to me. Can you shed some light on this please? Thanks.


    By the way….yesterday Charles said some things to me that were so totally ugly and hurtful I felt myself reach a different level of how I felt about him. He was gone all day long and I DID NOT CALL HIM ONE TIME! That felt amazing to remind myself what he had said to me and how much it hurt me and find the strength to remind myself of those thinsg whenever I wanted to pick up the phone. I did NOT call him all day long! I feel strongly that he has now destroyed what was left of any friendship that we had left. I feel that I do NOT need or want ‘friends’ in my life that would say what he did yesterday morning. I feel good about this and I feel that I can continue to remind myself of those things whenever I feel that I miss him or wonder what he is doing, etc. I feel proud of my actions/ choices yesterday. I really do. I feel that I put ME first and protected my ‘inner little girl’ and that I actually grew closer to ME as a result of it!! I am celebrating this for ME today!! 🙂 YAY for ME!!

  214.  #214tinque on September 20, 2009 at 8:49 am

    Cassandra – Oh no. You don’t necessarily attract abuse because you are abusive. No. No. You have attracted abuse because deep inside you felt that’s what you “deserved”. (I use this word carefully) You in a sense felt abusive towards yourself.
    But this is the PAST. You have grown beyond this and have the freedom to attract the person YOU are, loving and compassionate.
    Please try not to be frightened or beat yourself up if these sorts still show up every now and then. Changing old habits takes time. It’s a lifelong process.
    You though my dear have grown and blossomed HUGELY since I last saw you on this site. BIG BRAVAS to you. And keep DANCING.

  215.  #215Cassandra on September 20, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Tinque…thank you so much for your response. I felt a deep sense of relief when I read your post as I had been feeling really scared that I had attracted that because perhaps I was that way and did not see it. I didn’t think I was like that at all but wanted to make sure that I did not miss something or wasn’t seeing one of my ‘flaws’. I felt a deep sense of connection with what you said here….”You have attracted abuse because deep inside you felt that’s what you “deserved”. (I use this word carefully) You in a sense felt abusive towards yourself.” You are totally right. Completely. I can even tell you where it came from and why.
    Tinque….I felt so relieved and sort of giddy when you said that that is all in the past. It was like I felt a weight lifting from my shoulders in a way. I DO feel that that is in the past and that feels great to me. Do I still need to heal that part of me that felt that I only deserved abuse? Is there unfinished business there that I need to address and show some attention to change those feelings? If so….I want to do whatever I have to do to change them. I do however feel that my unconscious need to abuse myself IS in the past and that feels wonderful!!I DO feel like celebrating right now!! The part of your post where you acknowledged my growth Tinque brought tears to my eyes…happy tears of course….so thank you for your encouragement and support. I am not sure if I ever told you this but I have felt it since I ‘met’ you….You are a HUGE inspiration to me and every once in a while I go onto your blog and read what you have shared. I feel that it has helped me so thank you for that as well. It does fel wonderful to be dancing again although I have not gone out dancing in a while. I just have not felt the energy to ‘go out’. I do teach and even though before every class I feel like NOT going….I get there…have a great class with an awesome bunch that I love and then feel so happy that I did follow through and go. As a matter of fact..I was just asked this afternoon to do a Saurday salsa workshop sometime in Oct. I did feel excited about that so I will most definitely tell them YES. I feel that i need to do this after I move and get settled though. I don’t think that I ever got to comment on your recital pix btw….they are wonderful!! You are so beautiful and graceful and when I got to see them I felt connected to you in a wonderful way. I loved them. I am not sure if I told you that I myself used to also dance ballet. As a matter of fact I danced professionally before I was singing professionally so I too share a deepl love not just for latin dance but ballet as well. You look beautiful and your photos took me back to my own ballet days which felt good. I felt heppy seeing you dancing in them and happy that you do what you love.

    Thank you so much for your post Tinque. it helped me alot.

    Charles is home right now and though I ahve certainly NOT been cold or nasty in any way…I feel myself distant from him so much more than usual. he has come in here to our home office 4 times in the last hour to check on me. hmmmmmmm That feels curious to me in a good way. I feel proud of myself that I did not call him even one time yesterday and so far today…well he is home now but when he was gone this morning I did not call him at all and when I was out I did NOT call!! I feel proud and strong today and that….I feel for ME is something to celebrate! YAYAYYYY!!! 🙂

  216.  #216tinque on September 20, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Cassandra – You are such a sweet being. Thank you for your lovely words about my pictures and my site. I feel honored that I can help and you know, I heal through your healing.
    I have found that if you dislike someone or something about him/her irritates you or you just don’t like them, this is the time to take a look inside to see if you carry some of that within. Maybe it’s an old part of you, maybe it’s still a part of you, a little bit or a lot, and maybe it isn’t there at all, eg. it reminds you of something or someone that/who hurt you. But more often than not it is something you carry within and don’t like the load. And that’s not a bad thing. Just reminders that there’s always more to release, let go of.

    “Do I still need to heal that part of me that felt that I only deserved abuse?’
    Chances are this is something that will be a sore spot for always, but it can and will fade to almost nothing, a whisper. It’s a sensitive spot, so it can be stimulated easily. You’re aware of it, so when this sore spot hurts, you deal with it then.
    You’re always “working”, for once you take the first step towards healing, there’s no going back. That’s how it works.
    You’re doing great, so if you can, don’t fret about this. Remember there’s no such thing as perfection, yet you are perfect just as you are.

  217.  #217Erika on September 20, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Wow, I feel very grateful for reading the above dialogue. I feel grateful for everything that was triggered here and vented. I feel a shift in my own energy as a result.

    Rori’s right, I was willing to “get fired.” I interpret that to mean I was willing to get kicked off this blog in order to follow my intuition in the moment. It’s an approach that feels “risky” but gets unbelievably amazing results in the real world. I do use it with both men (and women) to interrupt egoic patterns in which they are stuck.

    It was not my intention to “coach.” My only intention was to bring a pocket of anger (which I could feel for months) to the surface for healing. I feel relieved that it came to the surface. Now I don’t feel it anymore.

    It’s not anyone’s fault. I don’t blame anyone. I know in my own life how tempted I can be to run away from conflict, because it feels so scary and intense, and yet I learned from attending dozens of non-violent communication practice groups that if we all stayed present with the energy, no matter how uncomfortable, we healed.

    I feel really happy to hear AG’s expression of herself. I do hear judgments of me in there, but I look behind the judgments and hear feelings. Fear of not being respected. Fear of not having boundaries respected. Fear of losing autonomy due to someone else’s choices. Fear that the attention received will feel awful. Those are all feelings I can relate to.

    I feel some healing, and some recognition of each other’s humanity. I feel an openness from Rori’s willingness to question both sides’ assumptions, and I feel especially grateful for that.

    I feel intrigued that some of you see my approach as “logical” because I see it as anything but. Logic would have stopped me from saying anything and kept me in fear. Intuition says it’s worth risking “being fired” in order to heal.

    Same that it’s worth letting a man go in order to stand up for ourselves. Because keeping our own integrity and self-esteem matters more than getting anyone else’s approval.

    Thank you, AG, even if you still want nothing to do with me. I’m grateful for what happened here anyway.

  218.  #218Erika on September 20, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    I also feel grateful for Daria empathizing with both sides.

    What Rori and Daria did here in this discussion felt really helpful to me. Thank you.

  219.  #219heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I’m an old hand in the therapy world. I’ve been doing it so long I’ve sprouted whiskers.

    Seriously though – I hate theories, and I hate ‘techniques’ and, especially, provocation – I hate them so much I just want to YELL and jump up and down.

    But it gets easier… because it really boils down to being totally REAL, and doing your own work on YOURSELF – not your own work on someone else.

  220.  #220heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    I’m here, not to learn a coach’s style, or to counsel others, but totally for my own healing. I find the tools really fantastic in helping peel away the layers of mis-learning. And yes, that does translate into my work sometimes; and sometimes I share stuff on here that helps me on the offchance it might appeal to another siren.

    I’ve loved just being a woman. Even tho when I first started posting a few months back I tended to counsel – I knew no other way. So, I’m the surgeon in for surgery 🙂

  221.  #221heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    And – my relationship is going very well, and I just turned 50, and I got a beautiful ring, and doubled my income in less than a month…..!

    And – I feel grateful to all who have shared here, shared their experiences and resources, so many I couldn’t name everyone.

    I keep trying to cast off into the waters and practice swimming without my blog-wings. I want to build my relationship muscles. Then I come back again. So I might go cold-turkey for a while.

    ‘A while’ could be one day or 6 months 🙂 I feel curious as to what that’s all about. Hmmmm… some it feels like time for spending on things I love – poetry, massages, art, LOVE.

    Aha – I feel grateful… I feel like my whole body is turning to face what is good, rather than on ‘my problems’. I feel appreciative of my love.

  222.  #222Erika on September 20, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    I love feeling messages. They work wonders in many areas of my life.

    But I’ve found for some situations in my life, they don’t get the job done. In communicating with my mother, for example. Forgive me for being in logic here, but her egoic defenses are so powerful that feeling messages do not work.

    Sometimes provocation is the only way I’ve found to break out of a dysfunctional pattern. And sometimes that means calling someone else out on what they are doing.

    This goes for men too.

    I do my very best on this blog to stay with the spirit of only talking about ourselves, but sometimes another person’s actions are affecting us at an energetic level, and if feeling messages aren’t working, then it’s time to try something else.

    That’s how I felt in this situation.

    Please know, sirens, that when we are judging others, they can feel it on an energetic level even if we never say a word. And it attracts back to us negativity.

    So any technique I can learn, be it feeling message or otherwise, that helps me and others break those patterns, is something I’m going to practice.

    I use provocation with myself too, when I’m stuck.

    And thank God for that, or I’d still be stuck with all kinds of horrible things in my life.

  223.  #223Erika on September 20, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Lol, and now I feel weird about my choice of “please know, sirens” .. better word choice would be …

    “I feel frustrated when other people don’t realize that I can feel them judging me even if they are not saying a word, and it doesn’t feel good. Most people can feel that judgment energy at an unconscious level and will react to it. I feel it at a conscious level. So I need to find a way to address that, hopefully in a way that will help both of us feel good about it when the discussion is finished, even if it feels uncomfortable while the discussion is going on.”

  224.  #224heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    Erika – I wish I had the time to engage in a heartfelt discussion about this – but it’s nearly midnight here, and I want to explore my response. I feel triggered. I don’t want to respond in haste, from my head. My approach is to regard a person’s defenses as their business, not mine, and a ‘person’s defenses’ as my feelings of blockedness as opposed to a fact about them.

    If that makes any sense.

    And I must take care of myself now and away to bed! xxxx

  225.  #225heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    By triggered, I mean passionate and excited, and sometimes when I feel that way, I’m not fully tuned in to what the other person is saying, and I don’t want to respond in haste.

  226.  #226Erika on September 20, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Thanks Heartbeat.

    A big smile just came over my face. I feel passionate and excited about all this too, and some uncertainty and trepidation, and with a lot of faith in the Sirens on this blog.

    I’ll be honest, my mother may be the toughest case I’ve ever seen as someone to get through to, and I’ll talk about her now because that doesn’t affect anyone here.

    I can use feeling messages until I’m blue in the face and it doesn’t budge her a bit.

    And yes, I can say “Oh, those are her problems, it’s not my job to fix them.” The only trouble is, we’re all energetically connected, so they aren’t really just her problems. The energetic patterns in our relationship with each other get carried over into my other relationships.

    If I walk away from her healing, I don’t fully heal myself.

    And things she’s doing to herself that supposedly don’t affect others, DO affect others. For example, she overeats compulsively, and the energy she carries around that is toxic to everyone around her. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who has to be around it …

    Do I just walk away? I tried that, and it didn’t work. If the energy’s not healed in her, it’s not healed in me either. So I turned to finding ways to heal both of us, simultaneously, for example through conversation that is much more honest than most people are accustomed to.

    And now what I’ve found is that the abject frustration I experienced within my own family has turned out to be a gift. Because I have found ways of helping people make dramatic rapid change who had tried everything else and nothing worked. I don’t do it the conventional ways because the conventional ways didn’t work for the situations I was facing.

    I feel liberated sharing that. I feel hopeful that we are beginning a dialogue that will help all of us use feeling messages in even more powerful ways.

  227.  #227gina on September 20, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    bla I feel triggered and negative again. turned off. judgmental, I guess. I’m not sure how to communicate it without attacking or going into full judgment mode, so i guess I’ll just leave it at I feel turned off and annoyed. I feel better having acknowledged those feelings. maybe I don’t need to have all my thoughts heard after all. I think I can move on just fine from here.

  228.  #228heartbeat on September 20, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    Erika – I’m feeling uncomfortable reading “we are beginning a dialogue that will help all of us use feeling messages in even more powerful ways” – hmmm ‘all of us’ i.e. on this blog, seem to be doing just fine! I don’t want to be an authority. Personally, I feel more and more opening and curiosity about what is going on inside me, more awareness and an increasing feeling of wonder at how my sharing this with others in my relationships brings me joy and connection.

    I’m a therapist, not a coach, and I’ve never done any coach training, so I only feel at ease sharing what I believe in my own experience.

    For some reason, when I read your latest comments, I feel a lot of confusion and fear and determination. My mother under-eats and any time I’ve tried to change her has resulted in deep pain for me. For starters (pardon the pun) she eats healthily and is fit. Secondly, I feel like our roles reverse if I ever do this. Recently I felt the pain of grief as I opened to the loss of my mother, as a mother, at a young age.

    My approach is to look at what part I play in maintaining that role reversal, and communicate how that feels as/if it occurs in the moment.

    I believe we can choose to draw a line and move on from there. I don’t believe we have to seek out and do over the past. Situations will come to us anyway, to help us learn and practice.

    I feel sad at what you’ve experienced in your family. It sounds lonely and frustrating, but those may be my feelings,not yours. Perhaps you feel confident and connected.

    So if I share what I would say in feeling messages, it’s from my perspective, and forgive any bits that don’t match for you – I’m just showing how I’d speak, if it were appropriate in the moment or I felt I wanted to bring up the subject:

    “Mum, I feel frozen. I feel so scared and I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I worry about losing you. I feel alone sometimes, I feel like food is stealing you from me”.

    Maybe that would open a dialogue. If not, then for me it would be:

    “Mum I can’t stay. I feel like running away. I love you and I feel helpless and yet I can feel myself wanting to smash up the plates and I feel angry too. I feel so angry.”

    I feel a little as if I’m interfering, but also I’m practicing feeling messages with my own mother (food is no longer an issue between us since I decided NOT to continue with my role as the fat one in the family. Once I dropped this role, I lost three stone and could proably lose another stone but feel fabulous as I am).

  229.  #229heartbeat on September 21, 2009 at 12:05 am

    I should add that I’m not being my mother’s therapist. But I find the levels of ‘congruence’ I use in work, along with feeling messages ‘as a tool’, plus awareness, help me enormously in my personal relationships.

    Rori’s body dialoges, touching objects and other sensory awareness tools were transformative for me in getting out of my head and away from my habit of painful fantasies.

    And a lot of what we think, is just fantasy – stories we ‘think’ are true. I challenge my thoughts as often as I remember to do so. ‘Is it true?’

  230.  #230gina on September 21, 2009 at 8:36 am

    okay, so it didn’t feel quite satisfying to just say that i feel negative after all. I really like how heartbeat addressed feelings that seem similar in response to Erika’s last posts. I’m really struggling to keep feeling messages.
    Erika, it feels frustrating to read your “expert” opinion. I feel compassion for what sounds like tough situations that are beyond your control. But I don’t like this illusion that you are “fixing” the problem – it doesn’t ring true for me, and it makes me uneasy.

  231.  #231gina on September 21, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Also, I would feel positively OPPRESSED by someone in my life who was trying to fix me. I lived with some people who were new to Buddhism, and I absolutely resented the insidious ways that they tried to control me from this supposedly “enlightened” place. I feel my blood boiling just thinking about it. With the Buddhist roommates, I just wished that they would drop the “buddhist mask” and be real.

    I feel anger and resentment for an “in control” mask. I feel a lot of compassion for what’s going on underneath. and then I feel guilt for wanting to destroy what I perceive to be someone’s coping mechanism. and I wonder if that is “defensive” or “controlling” of me. It feels defensive – I feel oppressed by coping mechanisms: my own or other people’s. They feel like an aversion to truth. like make believe. like lies. Erika, in a weird way, I feel lied to. I feel uncomfortable saying so. but I think that is a more accurate way to describe the uneasiness and anger I feel when I read your recent posts.

  232.  #232Mercedes on September 21, 2009 at 9:25 am

    WOW! Take a few days off and soooo much can happen! LOL.

    Cassandra: You are amazing…growing so much! I’ve seen so many baby steps in your journey lately that it feels more like big giant leaps!

    Erika: I was hoping you would feel at least something like “projected upon” so that potentially, you could turn that feeling around and catch a glimpse of how others feel when you do the same to them. As you said yourself, sometimes, it is necessary to provoke so that the other can heal and we can heal ourselves. As for moving forward, I don’t believe I am open to further clarification between the two of us. I need communication to always be honest and from the heart…it is a boundary of mine that I make very clear and you do not seem to have the ability to do that in a blog forum such as this one. Stating here “I’m a therapist, not a coach, and I’ve never done any coach training” and then stating on your own blog “I am a cutting-edge Dating & Relationship Coach” and “My coaching will help you erase limiting beliefs…” are just minor examples of how you continually say things simply because they make a point in the moment and not because they are truly what you feel and what you believe. It’s one thing to want so desperately to be “right”…it’s another to change your words, your mind, your teaching, your stance every time someone else disagrees. It doesn’t feel good to me at all and I’d appreciate this being an end to our conversations. I feel very comfortable disagreeing, debating, opening up communication and seeing another point of view, but when tricks and tactics are used to get that point across, I’m out.

    Much Love,

  233.  #233gina on September 21, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I believe you quoted Erika when it was actually Heartbeat who said the she is a therapist not a coach, etc.

  234.  #234Mercedes on September 21, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Gina: I sure did! And I thank you for pointing that out. Erika: I apologize for the misquote. Doesn’t change anything…just too tired to continue the dialog. I’m going to blame it on the pain pills I’ve been on since Thursday…or maybe just blame it on my own inability to take care of my frustration before it reached this point. In any case…I apologize for the misquote and stand by the “I’m out because I need honesty in communication” view.

    Again, Gina…Thank you as I did need to be made aware of that and I appreciate it very much.

    Much Love,

  235.  #235Mercedes on September 21, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I really don’t feel like my apology was clear enough. I tend to go crazy without thinking things through…and that’s what I did this time. I really have been on pain medicine and am feeling quite numb (in my body) which might be why I feel the apology is “numb” as well…that isn’t my intent.

    Let me try again:

    Erika: I am truly sorry I misquoted you. Although I do not agree with much of anything you said in this dialog, it was clearly unfair of me to use an example that wasn’t at all what you said…and then to use it against you. I will be more careful in the future.

    Heartbeat: I apologize to you for putting your words in Erika’s mouth. I have heard you talk about therapy in the past on this blog and because of the work I do, I have the utmost respect for you. I work under many therapists and have learned so much…thank you for all you do.

    And Gina: I am paid to pay attention to detail in my “day job” and I failed this time (as I tend to do in my personal life)…I appreciate your willingness to bring this to my attention in a graceful manner and hope you will continue to do so should I choose to jump the gun again…

    Okay…maybe I’m starting to feel better…

  236.  #236gina on September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    when I first read your post, I felt very surprised that my feeling of “being lied to”, which I felt very uncomfortable mentioning, was sort of “validated” by your example. So when I realized that the example was a misquote, I felt concerned that the feeling it seems that we were both trying to describe was “invalidated” in a way. I would prefer to focus on how it feels to receive Erika’s approach (for me, it feels bad), rather than nitpick at what she said, in order to “prove” that she is “a Liar.” For me, this was another lesson in the value of feeling messages.

  237.  #237Mercedes on September 21, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    I agree totally with your approach Gina. Not my style…but my style screwed up this time and I can totally see why you would feel what I said invalidated what you and I were trying to get across. I do have a way of looking at details and communicating in that manner and so would never be able to approach things the way you and others here do, but you are right in that it is certainly a testiment as to how and why it works.

    Much Love,

  238.  #238Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Erika, thank you for sharing about your mother — and here’s my take. Don’t try to change anyone. Not a man, not your friend, not your father, not your mother. You can be angry if their overeating or smoking puts them in the hospital and forces you to fly there and take care of them…you can just not do that, and stay home and feel guilty, or go anyway. The only way to heal anyone who hasn’t asked you to heal them is by example, by modeling, by feeling messages about how upset you feel when they’re ill (and by the way — not everyone treating themselves badly suffers for it). The only way to heal someone is to accept them and love them totally and unconditionally. The moment your mother feels your judgment and non-acceptance, she instinctively cannot hear you and digs in her heels. The lesson in adulthood is to accept our parents. Even if they abused us and we cannot be around them. Your choice is what YOU do — not what THEY do. Love, Rori

  239.  #239Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    You know — the second you say, out loud — “I’m feeling judgmental, and I don’t like feeling that way…I guess I’m feeling really angry…” we are no longer in judgment. That’s where a feeling Message can also be a provocation. Has nothing to do with judgment. Rori

  240.  #240Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    You know, Heartbeat – this is so great. Being trained as a therapist changes so much. As a therapist, as a coach, you are the boy. You are being paid to think, not to feel. And, you are being paid to tell the truth. Is “I don’t believe you” — which I think can be a great therapeutic thing to say to someone when you are a professional, and a terrible thing to say if you are not – provocative? And how helpful is that compared to…”Is that true?” Love, Rori

  241.  #241gina on September 21, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I don’t like the implication that feeling messages are somehow easy for me, or that it Doesn’t come easy for me to analyze and judge. I feel a little frustrated and misunderstood – I am here to develop my feeling message muscle because judgment mode isn’t working for me in most relationships, especially with men. In fact, it was hard for me to construct those feeling messages to Erika, and I’m not 100% convinced that I did it in the most productive way. I see how I was provocative, but I know that the word “lied” is very loaded, and I hope that Erika was able to hear me.

  242.  #242Mercedes on September 22, 2009 at 5:40 am

    Gina: I seem to be struggling with my words lately. I didn’t mean to imply anything at all and make no judgements on whether or not this is easy for anyone. I admire your approach and see it as much better than the one I took. I do apologize for any implications communicated by me with poor choices in words.

    Much Love,

  243.  #243Flipper on September 22, 2009 at 8:51 am


    Re your earlier post: “I want him to alternate between ravaging and worshiping me. and then i’d like to feel respected.” This sounds like what I want, too. We want what we want, whatever it is, and I feel good about that.

    ” I want him to be so “cool” that sometimes I feel scared that I won’t get to have him again, but then he does something small, like brush his arm against mine, and I feel a surge of attraction, and I wonder, did he just feel that?? And I like to wonder for awhile, and then when I can’t hardly stand the suspense any longer, I want him to let me know, without saying a word, how much he wants me.

    but all that is sorta like games – I’ve never had that sorta minidrama in a healthy relationship, and it just doesn’t sound like a mature healthy way to be. and I feel sorta BORED with healthy.” This doesn’t feel like “playing games” to me at all. It feels like ‘Enjoying Playfulness and having Fun Teasing”. Personally, I hate relationship gameplaying, too of course, but I also don’t go in for most ‘fun’ games or sports either. But some of the best memories (and desires for the future) I have are just this sort of teasing playfulness, within the family and even more, with the Man who hasn’t been intimidated by my ‘seriousness’ and gaming cluelessness, and dares to ‘play’ with me or gets us being silly in a tantalizing and kind way. Fun feels healthy; boredom is Unhealthy.

    Actually, I liked your 2 sex “speeches’ to him, especially that they convey your own ambivalence and questioning, but willingness expose yourself by touching on a sensitive subject. Plus short and sweet – they feel hearable to me. Maybe they don’t need to be given together? The second one especially could probaby wait, until he provided the right context in the natural flow of things.

    Daria – Those physical reactions alone to Hovering Guy feel like a loud message to me (I DON’T WANT THIS!!!!)- in fact, I felt them too just from your description – I must feel triggered by similar situations from my own life. Just because a guy is giving us something ‘seemingly’ good doesn’t mean we have to take it. If it doesn’t feel good to ME, I sure as hell want to choose NOT to receive it, just like for any overtly yucky junk.

    Maybe a problem would occur if I liked such a person who turns me off romantically or sexually but wanted them as a friend? Then I can give the ‘friends’ speech to him (I value your friendship and enjoy having you in my life that way, but I just don’t feel romantically attracted to you …[and/or]… I don’t want to feel bad when I sense you coming onto me that way). And be willing to let him choose to give me up cuz his feelings aren’t reciprocated, or to hang around me in friend-mode without the ‘hovering’ or however else he makes his unwanted advances felt. What do you think?

    Actually, I have this dilemna right now, too. But I think the guy senses it, and is keeping his distance cuz he doesn’t really want to know or have to make a choice. Which is fine – in a way, all possibilities remain open and nobody’s getting their feathers ruffled. We can keep each other in our ‘rotations’ (in our mind’s eye, if nothing else), which feels good, and also leave the door open to friendship because we haven’t broken off or said something hurtful, which also feels good.

    AG – how can we ever stop asking ourselves all those questions about Forever from the 1st min? I can’t – but that’s ok, my brain goes there, and it’s my heart pushing it, so that’s entirely normal. But I get to choose that it doesn’t stick there or make some idiotic choices out of nothing real. I can recognize that those are just the questions that need answering – by the Man, through his Actions, Over Time. When a man has made his decision and lined up his all to support it, then I’ll know if he feels right.

  244.  #244Flipper on September 22, 2009 at 9:01 am

    PS Gina. What you described maybe feels a little more like fantasy or play-acting than the ‘playing’ that appeals to me, but it’s the same idea. If this feels good, adds spice and isn’t manipulative, then that feels like a good thing in an adult relationship to me.

  245.  #245Flipper on September 22, 2009 at 9:03 am

    PPS Gina – I felt so good to read what you said and Rori reinforced about the feeling messages in the scary situations. I have found this to be true as well, and encourage the other Sirens to remember this and use it.

  246.  #246gina on September 22, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    I’m feeling love for ya. I hope you’re feeling better today.

    I LOVE what you said to AG about accepting the desire to fill in all the blanks, starting with date #1. A guy was telling me yesterday that he does the same thing when he’s on a date – he says he thinks of whether he can see his date mothering his child. Unfortunately, he did describe situations when his answer was “no,” but he continued to date the women because he was attracted to them sexually. From the sound of it, though, he wasn’t willing to DO much of anything for them, but he was willing to take whatever he could get. It was interesting to hear the other side of things.

    Flipper, I feel interested in what you said about sexual attraction, fun and games, etc – I’m gonna reread and think about it some more. Thanks for your response.

  247.  #247Ann on September 22, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Rori you said:

    “Erika, thank you for sharing about your mother — and here’s my take. Don’t try to change anyone. Not a man, not your friend, not your father, not your mother. You can be angry if their overeating or smoking puts them in the hospital and forces you to fly there and take care of them…you can just not do that, and stay home and feel guilty, or go anyway. The only way to heal anyone who hasn’t asked you to heal them is by example, by modeling, by feeling messages about how upset you feel when they’re ill (and by the way — not everyone treating themselves badly suffers for it). The only way to heal someone is to accept them and love them totally and unconditionally. The moment your mother feels your judgment and non-acceptance, she instinctively cannot hear you and digs in her heels. The lesson in adulthood is to accept our parents. Even if they abused us and we cannot be around them. Your choice is what YOU do — not what THEY do. Love, Rori”

    RORI THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH for this reminder. I don’t recall ever hearing my mother say the words “I love you to me”. 99.9% of the time I couldn’t do anything to please her, grew up feeling not good enough for anything. I was always wrong.

    That was the basics of our relationship until my 41st year of life. My mother and I had a HUGE blow out. We didn’t speak to each for 8 months and live right next door to each other. On Christmas Eve of that year she sent me roses and I knew that was her way of saying I’m sorry” even tho she couldn’t say the words.

    During this time I learned to accept this was the way she is. I learned she’d probably never change, it was up to me to love and accept myself. Now I call her(and take her calls) and go around her when I choose. I don’t expect anything from her. I feel sad that I didn’t have a close, loving relationship with my mother. But I feel grateful I have a mother.

  248.  #248Erika on September 23, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Wow, I feel triggered reading these too. Yes, the words “liar” and expressing an intention to end the conversation do not feel good.

    If that’s how my words were being received, then I surely can understand feelings of anger and frustration and triggering.

    Rori, I don’t intend to change anyone. But practicing what I’ve been practicing, everyone in my life has changed. They have become friendly and loving where I saw enemies before. Even relationships that seemed hopeless. Feeling messages helped, but getting super triggered and doing EFT is what really changed things for me. As my energy changed, everyone around me changed. I feel a sense that this thread triggered a lot of emotions for me so that they can be dissolved.

    I feel really unseen when someone (in her own words) labels me as a “bully,” skips over my posts, and does not engage in a conversation, intentionally (this is what she said, not projection), for months. I feel angry and disrespected. I feel sad.

    I feel hopeless when people cut off communication. I feel sad.

    I feel sad that this thread was so triggering for so many people. Part of me feels some regret.

    And then another part of me remembers that I felt super triggered by Burning Man guy, but instead of hiding from that discomfort, I healed. And by the end of our trip together, because I didn’t run away, things transformed.

    I feel sad that my message seems to have been lost.

    I feel hopeless when people talk about ending relationships (with men too) instead of staying with the energy until it transforms.

    I feel a bit awkward on this blog because sometimes I feel a sense that there is a “right way” to do things on here, and I feel limited by that. I feel awkward because I love Rori’s work and she is the expert here, and I would like to contribute, but sometimes contributing in my own way feels very awkward.

    I don’t feel the openness here that I would like to feel. I feel regret about any contribution I may have made to anyone shutting down.

    Wow, I feel sad.

  249.  #249Erika on September 23, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    I do not feel the openness about different styles that I would like to feel here. I don’t like feeling like a “feeling message” style is the only way to be accepted. I notice that on other internet sites where I participate, there are a variety of styles, and people don’t seem to get nearly as triggered as here. I don’t know why that is, but I feel curious about it.

  250.  #250Erika on September 23, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    I feel irony that anyone would label me a “liar” when, to my own eyes, the only way I could be a liar is to use feeling messages when I don’t feel like it. Or to submit to someone else’s request that I not speak my truth, when I don’t feel like it. I feel a “controlling” energy with that sort of thinking.

    I feel annoyed by this thread.

    I feel annoyed by the idea that there’s only one right style and that no other style can make a contribution here.

  251.  #251Erika on September 23, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    I feel super triggered, and I have actually learned to enjoy that feeling, because I know how much healing is happening when I have that feeling.

    I feel annoyed by a sense of “ganging up,” “group think,” and “mob mentality.”

    I would so love to see an acceptance of experimentation, and different styles, and even an embracing of being triggered. That kind of openness would feel great to me. If I were a man, I would sure want that kind of openness in a woman too.

  252.  #252Mercedes on September 24, 2009 at 6:51 am

    I find it interesting to hear anyone would think we HAVE to use feeling messages and no other style is allowed on this blog. I’ve used them like three times here and, although Rori prefers them and would like to see me use them more, she’s never kicked me off or deleted any comment I’ve ever written. I’ve been welcomed with open arms by her since the day I started posting and, although we don’t have the same style, we do have an solid and good understanding of our differences and have respected each other from the beginning. Saying Rori is censoring people by requiring feeling messages on this blog is completely untrue…I am a testiment to that.

    Erika: I just have to jump in here and say this to you because you are REALLY triggering me on this one. You used the words “I feel censored” (or something to that effect) with regard to you not being able to use your voice in the style you want to use it on this blog. I’m curious how you can be that judgmental when on your own blog, you made it clear that any comment which does not use your format or style (you even gave an example of what is appropriate) will not be approved and posted. This feels very hypocritical on your part. Especially considering the fact that although Rori prefers feeling messages and would like to see us use them, she’s never threatened to delete comments of those of us who are not using her style. As a matter of fact, on that very post about your new comment policy, you complimented this blog and how people speak here…yet you disagree with it. Why judge someone else? Is it possible your triggers on this come from your own feelings about what you’ve done on your own blog?

    I’m comfortable with the way I am accepted here. Does everyone like me? Nope. Not even close. I’ve gotten lots of emails from people who think my voice is too masculine for this blog. I’ve also made new friends and have received lots of encouraging emails as well. But the fact is, no matter how anyone else feels about it, this is Rori’s blog and she’s never made me feel anything other than welcome…no matter which words I use. It triggers me when I hear you accusing her of censoring on this blog. She isn’t doing it unless there is an outright attack against another person here. And…as a matter of fact…she openly requests all anger be directed at her and not at each other. She’ll post pretty much anything we want to say in any way we want to say it as long as all attacks are aimed at her. That’s more than I can say for what you’re doing on your blog…so…it would feel better to me if you would at least try to be fair with your accusations.

    I know personally, for me, I have a different style and I would, a lot of the time, do things differently than what is being taught here. At times, I ask Rori to clarify or I even outright disagree with her (not recommended on this blog though…triggers a lot of people). However, I’ve never been one to project that my way is the best way and nobody does it better than I do and if you use my technique you will be healed and blah, blah, blah. I figure if people want to know how I turned my relationship into the most loving and wonderful connection I could have ever imagined, they will read my story (about my own life…not about the lives of those I’ve helped) on this blog or…if they are even more curious, they will click on my name and go to my blog. I’m not trying to sell anything here or win clients or anything like that. I’m here to hear what Rori has to say, to read about how others feel about it and to post my own thoughts or ask my own questions about HER teachings. There are a TON of teachings out there and we have Google if we’re interested. I don’t go to a Pizza Hut website to post about Taco Bueno and I don’t come here to find out how I can be healed by you. If I’m so drawn, I know where to find you….you’ve made it clear time and time and time again.

  253.  #253Erika on September 24, 2009 at 8:38 am


    I appreciate your comment, and I’m running out the door so will come back later.

    Again, I feel “projected on” and it was not my intention to say many of the things that you say I am saying, such as that my way is the “best” way. It is “a” way — one of many — and it works.

    I notice such a huge contrast in how it feels to post here versus RSD Nation (where they let me back on). I share my EFT experiences there, and nobody gets super triggered thinking I’m trying to “tell them what to do,” etc. It’s not a judgment of here, I’m just noticing the contrast. It feels a lot better posting there.

    When I got banned from the forum, the guys rallied for me and asked RSDN to bring me back. It feels nice to have the openness that I feel there. That it’s ok to share EFT experience and advice without everyone freaking out because they assume I’m saying that there’s only one “right way.”

    I’ve never said that. Not once.

  254.  #254Erika on September 24, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Also, you’re right that I don’t post every comment I receive on my blog. I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess that Rori doesn’t either.

  255.  #255Mercedes on September 24, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Erika: When I read these quotes from your blog I feel it in your vibe that you think your way is the “best way” and the “only way”:

    “But I predict that you will make faster progress with my method. Much faster progress. In fact, I specialize in the “impossible” cases. The guys (or gals) who have tried everything, and nothing worked.”

    “I don’t know of any faster way to heal heartbreak and/or move on from your one-itis than EFT. I also don’t know anyone other than me who has become extremely skilled at using it for this purpose.”

    You send out a vibe that says you feel your way is the best and only way. That may not be the vibe EVERYONE gets from you…but it is the one I get from you.

    Then, you hate being “projected upon” by me, but you turn right around and do it to me??? I never said Rori doesn’t delete any comments. I said she doesn’t delete them simply because we are not using her style of writing. You say you WILL do it on your blog. Accusing her of censoring when you do it is hypocritical. Doesn’t matter who deletes comments and who doesn’t. The point is accusations aimed at others when you are doing the same thing is unfair and…don’t know how else to say it…hypocritical.

  256.  #256Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Erika – I embrace you and all your lovely styles and differences from everywhere…let the pot of knowledge, experience and experimentation get filled continually here! Love, Rori

    Note to other relationship experts visiting: WELCOME!!! Though I do not use Byron Katie’s “The Work” in any large way, I respect her beyond measure and would jump to have her contribute here. Same with Debbie Ford’s techniques for the “dark side.” I love body work, EFT, Somatic work, prana, yoga…everything and anything and am totally open to all different styles of helping us move forward, be happy, and get the love we want. Let ‘er rip. I am sure that Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson would love Feeling Messages and yet offer their own styles of healing communication — and look forward to that!

    Note to all: That said…my work is my work. I am impacted every day by new things I learn and love to share it all with you. The important thing is that you know, with my work — I use it every day in my long happy marriage, I speak from my own experience and that of my clients, I am what I am, I speak what I believe, what I feel, what I believe and feel I know…and my own voice is the only one I have – just as YOUR VOICE belongs to YOU. It’s YOUR treasure. I leave it to all of you to share your own experiences here so we can enrich this work – what you find here with me – and make it sing as loud and powerfully as it can. Love, Rori

  257.  #257Mercedes on September 24, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Rori: That is absolutely the way you have always made me fee. My voice and my style…welcome with open arms. I appreciate you so much for that!!

    Much Love,

  258.  #258gina on September 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    i don’t feel like I’m part of a mob. It would feel “easier” to not say anything or to express my opinion. When i feel super triggered, I consider it a good opportunity to practice communicating in feeling messages. On a different blog, I would share opinions, but on THIS blog, I’m trying to use “Rori’s way” of communicating with you. You can choose whichever method of communication you wish, but I’m sharing with you how I receive it. So far, I feel receptive when you share objective general information, when you share your experience, and when you share your feelings. I do not feel receptive of judgment or “teaching.”

  259.  #259Erika on September 24, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Rori, thank you. I appreciate the feeling of openness that I receive from your comments and our discussions.

    Mercedes, I actually love that you have kept your own style on here. During all this, I found myself appreciating more and more than you stood by your own style even when others were triggered about it.

    It seems to me there’s been a lot of projection on all sides lately, myself included. That’s enough for me. What you call hypocrisy, I call experimentation. I try out different things on my blog, and with men, and on this blog, to see how they feel. Some people say I “should” have a more coherent identity, but my work is all about stripping off layers of identity to get to my essence.

    I don’t want to argue with you. I enjoy you too much for that.

    I’m going to suggest a question to ask myself as I read this blog.

    Every time I get a triggered or icky feeling, I’m going to ask myself, “is there another interpretation of what I perceive this person as doing that would feel better to me? is there a more gracious light in which I can see what he or she is doing?”

    I feel soooo happy tonight. I feel massive clearing of energy. I feel light and dreamy and super turned on by the guy I saw tonight. I feel soooo excited to see all the men and Daria this weekend.

    Good night Sirens. Tonight I feel only love for everyone on here.

  260.  #260Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 6:05 am

    Erika: I couldn’t agree more. I have no desire at all to argue with a woman who makes false accusations about how this blog is handled and then calls it “experimentation”. None.