A Note From The Universe – Truth-Telling

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save relationshipThis one totally knocked me out:

“Nothing heals, helps, cures, mends, builds, clears, stabilizes, fixes, balances, restores, corrects, inspires, enables, empowers, enlightens or tickles, Rori, better than the truth.

Ask for it by name,
The Universe”

Go here to get your own Notes From The Universe –>> (I still get them every day and feel inspired by each one – yet I could feel my entire body and being just relax, get still and easy when I started reading this one…

Whenever I feel sad, or confused, or defeated, or anxious –

I now ask myself: “What am I telling myself?”

And then I ask “What am I not telling myself?” 

Then I ask “What am I not telling another person?”

It’s usually my man I’m withholding the truth from, or trying to figure out HOW to withhold the truth.

And then – to keep me feeling consistent – I automatically start not telling myself the truth, either.

Then I start making up all kinds of things.

If this feels familiar to you – Here’s what I do to “right” the boat that’s me, floating in life (even though not being “right” and floating in life lopsided or upside down or any-which-way is just fine, too…):

After I ask myself those questions above, I just start telling myself the truth.

I stand still and put the words together.

I own whatever it is I feel most afraid of or disgusted by.

Even though I can feel the fear and the discomfort – I can also feel a kind of “sinking in.”

I can feel myself being more “me.”

And that feels better than what I “think” would be the result of anything I could make up.

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 12, 2014 at 6:36 am


  2.  #2April Rose on May 12, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Whats the truth of this?

    Hmm. Can ask this in any feeling situation, I suppose.

  3.  #3Tereana on May 12, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Oh wow! I didn’t know if be on this thread so early…

  4.  #4Tereana on May 12, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Ok. I have a feeling this post is very relevant for me. But I want to finish a couple of thoughts before I read it…

    1) from the last thread – I just posted some stuff. And about my 259, it occurred to me that when I think of the guy as “stupid” for leaving me, it’s not a great sentiment, but in a way it’s how I think of myself as “the prize.” And maybe there is a way I can do that without the judging part of it. But I suppose that comes from years of hearing how men are stupid, worthless, and incompetent. I sort of told S he was a misogynist. But on the other side, I was raised to be a man- hater, too. I don’t try to be. But sometimes it just comes out sideways : (

    2) here is a good reason not to send the texts/emails we want to send: well, for me, I am changing all the time. As I grow and evolve, so do my thoughts and understanding. What I want to say to S or to anyone is different from what I would have said last week, and it will feel different next week also. If I write it down and send it, it crystallizes my thinking and doesn’t allow it to change. But thinking about it, without sending, that allows me to be flexible and full of possibilities. It’s an interesting feeling. Having it, but not acting on it. I don’t know what the response would be, either. Not sure if I really want to engage, at this point. With good reason, I think. Probably best to just stay away. Any attention will feel like not good attention…

  5.  #5Veronica on May 12, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    I still don’t feel anything for OwlCD and nothing has been brought up regarding our interaction. I’m not bothered by this. I recognise that I need to start active CDing – I thought meeting up with friends at different places would work, but it’s either not going to happen for a while or they’re busy for the next week or so. I also want to meet new people, I feel curious for what’s out there.

  6.  #6Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 4:34 am

    So speaking of truth…I did have a moment of truth-telling today. I was getting really annoyed with my mom, again. It seemed like everything she said or did was ingratiating and inauthentic. I finally just blurted out: “stop trying to make me like you. I’m sorry, but I just don’t like you.” It didn’t feel “good” exactly, but it didn’t feel bad, either. It felt true. And then she tried to justify it – like, “well, everyone wants to be liked.” And I was like, “you know what? I don’t care. You do whatever works for you in other situations. I’m simply telling you what’s true for me.” She was even laughing it up and having a grand old time. The thing is, I wasn’t trying to hurt her or anything. It was more painful to me to hold onto this truth and to try and make it different. It’s not going to be different. And whether or not I like her doesn’t change who she is or who I am. In fact, it makes us both who we are. But we can’t start from a false premise, like, “I like my mom just because she’s my mom.” FALSE. I can care about her and feel lots of things about her/the relationship, but I do not have to like her. And I think what feels the best about this is that it takes the weight off my shoulders of feeling like I’m “supposed” to like her and feeling like a failure or a bad person for not doing it. No. I like MYSELF. And I don’t have to like her. It’s not a requirement. * 🙂 *

  7.  #7Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 4:37 am

    Slow bloggy blogness

  8.  #8Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 4:38 am

    Haha. I got a note from someone on the Indian dating site yesterday. Teehee! I thought I had deactivated that profile. Lol. Like I say, they always find me… Ha ; )

  9.  #9Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Truth, YES!
    Telling the truth
    Oh wow
    I tell the truth, I love the truth
    and yet
    I’m so good at lying to myself
    So am I really telling the truth?

    When I deepen my breathing my superficial thoughts slow down and I feel the truth hiding deeper down within starting to surface..
    Sometimes it feels scary, I don’t want to know the truth, I don’t want to face it.. what if it means I have to change something, what if it tells me I’ve been deluding myself? I can’t unknow it once I find it! And yet I feel compelled to own it, make it mine and love it until it feels safe. Phew. Keep breathing sweetie…

  10.  #10Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Ninja is moving in.. he’s meeting people tonight to rent out his place and then tomorrow we are going to go out for dinner to talk about how we will work this, he has also offered to rent somewhere close by for a while if I decide I want to wait. I feel happy, excited, nervous and peaceful all at once.

    This morning I felt like I was floating on the clouds I watched from my window yesterday flying back from my meeting. I had a sudden urge to buy a scratch card when I picked up my coffee and I won 3 small prizes on the one card lol! I feel lucky, I feel blessed, I feel wonderful! The universe is smiling at me and I’m beaming back 🙂

  11.  #11Mercedes on May 13, 2014 at 8:03 am

    In a couple of hours I will be on a plane to NJ and then NYC later this week! YAY!!!! LOVE Vacation!!!! <3

    Sharing my happiness today with everyone I meet! 🙂

  12.  #12LoveAlways on May 13, 2014 at 9:03 am


    I had never had a coaching session before. I knew I wanted one and that I needed one.

    I have all of Rori’s programs, and I have been writing on the blog for a couple of years, but there was just something I could not put my finger on.

    I did Loveforever and Helena’s teleclass (I missed Leigha’s – will catch the next one though). Yet still, I felt I wanted to go the next step and actually have a coaching session.

    I have been browsing Rori’s certified coaching list and lurking on their web pages (lol), but kept putting off taking the first step to being coached. Then Rori offered an evening session of a small group of women for one day only. I figured it was an awesome place to start!

    First of all, WOW, Rori’s energy is obvious on her programs, but live, face-to-face . . . she is an awesome person to behold! Getting to know Rori was such a wonderful experience and she is a very beautiful person. Her energy fills the space and she is just as soft in her natural state as you would image. It was easy to feel immediately comfortable.

    Spending a few hours in a coaching session was surreal. It was nothing like sitting down and watching the programs (although I love them all and listen to then regularly) or “conversing” on the blog (which really helps me out on a regular basis). Being in a coaching session was one-on-one scenarios, triggering, questions and observations. Rori didn’t miss a step. She is as professional at what she does and at the same time she maintains her loveliness and approachability.

    It was so cool to see the tools from Rori’s programs in a live coaching session! Yes, the same exact tools we learn and practice and talk about on the blog. And Rori had some new tools for us to practice during the session as well. I watched her really really listen and get to the heart of the matter with each woman there! She did not stop until she got to “that” issue in each of us.

    It was a small cozy group. Each woman squealed “oh it’s Rori in real life!!!!” when she arrived and Rori would open the door. It was cute. It was amazing. And how wonderful it was to hear each of us express how Rori’s programs and tools have helped us, our progress, our strengths and our calmness.

    We got deep into so many issues, spending hours getting to know each other’s stories and then getting out of the shell of our stories down to the real grit – finding triggers and working through our sh*t. Rori reached the core of each of our issues, and for everyone, it was something we personally were not addressing.

    I have a much better understanding of the tools and of myself. We each left the session with a sense of newness and self purpose. And having a session with a coach was truly LIFE CHANGING.

    So often I’ve felt in a vacuum, alone with no one to verbally discuss the tools with, role play and practice them with. Coaching is where you get to really get into this – personally, and one-on-one. I loved it!

    After I take some time to work through the exercises, new tools and journaling that Rori and I discussed, I am going to follow up with one of her certified coaches for another session.

    I now understand how coaching can help me along my journey, and I FEEL the benefit already, after a single session.

    To wrap it all up into a feeling message . . . I feel vigor, I feel amazing, I feel soft and sooooo hopeful for my future. And I feel this in heart and in my chest like breathing in warm sunshine. Good things are happening for me, and good things are in store. I feel good.



  13.  #13LoveAlways on May 13, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Kyla how wonderful!!!! Congratulations!!

  14.  #14LoveAlways on May 13, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Ohhhhh Mercedes! Enjoy your vacation!

  15.  #15Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Wow LoveAlways! Thank you for sharing that. Good things are happening, yes! Expect miracles 🙂

  16.  #16Liquid Light on May 13, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Mercedes, have a great vacation!

    Kyla, your journey with Ninja is so inspiring! You go girl!!!

  17.  #17Helena Hart on May 13, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Kyla – 10 – Yay!! Congrats, so happy for you! 🙂

    LoveAlways – 12 – I LOVED hearing about your experience with one-on-one coaching, thanks for sharing that!

    Love, Helena

  18.  #18Indigo on May 13, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Congratulations Kyla 🙂 it sounds so lovely

  19.  #19Indigo on May 13, 2014 at 11:07 am

    I love truth. I am passionate about it.

    And I’m especially passionate about the way the world around us, and particularly our relationships with the beings in it, have a way of showing us the truth that we would not have been able to see on our own.

    I know how many times I was humbled by the truth that my horse was revealing to me about myself.

    And what about my relationships with men. This is where the truth has been its boldest, most no-holds-barred teacher. I feel so thankful for the men I have cared about over the past few years, what they have taught me.

  20.  #20Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Ahhh… thank you for sharing all about your coaching session with Rori… So powerful.

  21.  #21Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Veronica #5,
    Have you shared with Owlcd your thoughts about what you believe a good relationship for you looks like?

    Not saying it’s him but in general?

  22.  #22Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Kyla #10!!! Yay… :->
    mmmmm…. feels perfectly warm and soft and like a shinny, silk ribbon running through your life!!

  23.  #23Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Tereanna #6.
    reading about how your truth telling to your mother worked out for you… and how it feels like a breakthrough in your relationship with her…
    Thank you for sharing this profound moment in your life.

  24.  #24Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Wow Azure Blu I love love love that image thank you!

  25.  #25Liquid Light on May 13, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    The truth is I’m in a major funk and have been for a while.

    The truth is I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything is great when its not. And that just makes me feel worse, inauthentic and uncomfortable in my own skin.

    The truth is I don’t want to feel this way but I do. I’m starting to just let myself feel all of the sadness and disappointment instead of pushing it away.

    The truth is I feel deeply disappointed about all the men I”ve been meeting. The truth is I don’t feel inspired or attracted to any of them and I keep hoping I will. And the truth is I’m just not.

    That’s just my truth right now and it sucks but its just the way it is. I”m starting to wonder if I’ll feel better if I just accept it?

  26.  #26Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Some things I want to discuss deeper with Ninja tomorrow, or ask him about how he sees it working and then see how I feel and if that will work for me:
    Money, household expenses, bills, reorganising rooms in the house, making space for everyone, our individual need for ‘me time’ (besides the annual events we’ve already discussed) and scheduling it around kids and work because I like to plan in advance around the kids and he likes to plan based on todays weather lol

    We’ve had a few misunderstandings and disagreements that have been so easily resolved that they don’t feel like they count as a first fight but maybe they do. I feel a teeny bit concerned about my concern so I will ask if he can help me with this 🙂

    Today felt really surprising good in work, I’m feeling overwhelmed with the caseload but its all moving well once I start on a file, the boss that I’ve had problems with from day one seems to be on my side lately, a messy file was reassigned and 5 people thanked me for making their day better. Thats the best feeling gift anyone could give me so it was a really good day so far and I’m feeling blessed.

  27.  #27Kyla on May 13, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    (((((((Liquid Light)))))))

    Keep speaking your truth, beautiful. And find ways of having oodles of fun no matter who or what shows up around you xoxoxo

  28.  #28Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Kyla… just my thoughts…
    would it make since for him to take an apt. near you (like he mentioned) and date for awhile longer before he moves in?

    Sounds like You are taking care of YOU when you mentioned the discussion you all will have tomorrow. 🙂

  29.  #29Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Liquid L…
    Sooo powerful to be authentic to ourselves!!!

    I have noticed that the disappointments do mount when I have multiple cds in a row that DONT work out!!
    Sooo i grab that Love Potion (mine is gardenia scented)
    and slather that allllll over me (starting with my hair) with tenderness and softness… 🙂

  30.  #30Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    LoveAlways – thank you for sharing that experience. Sounds wonderful!

  31.  #31Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Azure Blu thank you (23). That felt really validating to read.

    LL – I love reading how you are embracing your feelings of disappointment. Truth be told, your words spoke to me because that is exactly how I feel about my life as a whole right now. I cannot say that “oh, my career is going great, and I’ve got everything I want *except* a partner.” It’s more like, “everything in my life is pretty much going to the sh*ts bad in top of that, I don’t have a partner to love me or support me through it.” Not that I would let them. I am still bad at accepting help. And not in the least part because I don’t want to come away thinking “he did this for me.” And yet, part of me DOES want that help. Part of me craves it. But I want it to be offered. I don’t want to have to ask. Because if I ask, then it’s on me, and it’s my decision. It’s what “I want.” If a man offers help and assistance from his heart, then I know that it’s because he wants to help. (And I’ll make sure of course that he doesn’t see it as a tit-for-tat, wanting “something” in return, other than my relaxation and my happiness…)

    Whoo, I got the hot train conductor today! He is so cute and yummy just to look at. Lol *blush*

  32.  #32Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Nothing like some good Eye Candy to make the time go by!! :->

  33.  #33Azure Blu on May 13, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Mmm… I guess we’re having 2 grlz nights… The weather is Magnificent today!!
    We’re meeting at an outside cafe for happy hour tonight and tomorrow!
    Warm, soft sunny evening in May with my grlz!! nothin better.

  34.  #34Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    LOL!!! I just saw this great quote on a friend’s Fb page – “don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. Unless you are an *ss#ole. Then you should change.” Ah…that gave me a laugh ; )

  35.  #35Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Ya know, sometimes it’s good to do something just because you want to. There is a music concert this Thursday that is music I think I’ll really like. I have no idea who might be going. But I think, rather than invite anyone, I’ll just go there myself. Maybe I’ll meet a new friend. At least we’ll know we have similar music tastes : )

  36.  #36IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    I feel so sad and confused and angry.

    Ev1l married man hasn’t been at work. At first, I felt relieved and it felt so good.

    Then, when I wasn’t seeing him at our usual meetings and just kept feeling this void…IT STARTED DRIVING ME CRAZY.

    I miss him. and I like him.

    and I know I need to go CD worse than anything, but I’ve never been good at it.

    and I almost feel angry at it, no, not at it, but at myself.

    When I give guys a chance it seems they end up being jerks and losers, but when I write someone off or give up or shut down or mess up in all the glorious ways that I am capable of doing so, I end up noticing all their amazing qualities and then we have all these moments where we stare at each other when they’re engaged or married and then I feel guilty and angry and terrified of getting hurt all over again.

    I HAVE to break this pattern.

    One thing I’ve learned, that I feel embarrassed that I never learned about men, is that THEY ARE SO DUMB. They do not realize when you have strong feelings unless you speak the feelings.

    I feel like an idiot for not knowing that, but growing up, guys always felt “so much the same” as me.

    I still don’t see that many differences between men and women, to be honest, except for differences in communication and perception of information.

    and okay, maybe that’s a huge thing but I feel angry at myself and at whoever didn’t teach me or show me or explain to me.

    I learned the most about men from Love Scripts for Dating.

    Targetting Mr. Right still feels sooooooooooooooo forward to me.

    Like all the practically following a strange man around with your eyes and smiling for like FOREVER until he FINALLY freaking figures out that you’re attracted to him and stuff like that.

    with most men, I don’t even feel like I even have to do that.

    I just feel so angry.

    that I miss him, that everybody loves him, that he’s attracted to me, that I’m attracted to him, that I feel like he’s manipulating me, that he stalks me on social media, that he’s trying to get me all obsessed with him just so he can feel like “he’s still got it” or something?

    that I could easily just open my heart up and let him in and that he could open up too and we could connect and bond and then REALLY experience pain and shame and regret.

    and see, I can’t even really “lean back.” For us to spend any time together, I would have to drive to meet him.

    I wish when he had said that thing about not having my number, that I used a feeling message.

    Like, “I feel weird giving a married man my number.”

    and I’m wondering, I only have a couple of months left.

    should I just avoid him and leave all of this unspoken?

    or should I speak my feelings?

    about how I feel such a connection with him, I feel so good with him, but lately I’ve been feeling so bad because I feel so turned on and I feel so much desire for him and that makes me feel so guilty because it doesn’t feel good to be with a man who already has a wife.

    I feel so scared of speaking my feelings and I feel like sobbing again.

    wouldn’t it be better just to leave things unsaid since he’s married?

    I feel so angry and sad. 🙁

    and you know, there’s this huge part of me that secretly wonders if this whole “men are so dumb thing” that men play off is just this huge conspiracy created by men for them to somehow maintain some kind of illusion of control that they feel like they’re losing and must have.

    seriously, guys are not that dumb.

    I feel furious.

    I feel like I’m making too big of a deal out of this in a way.

    but I also feel so curious as to why this is affecting me so deeply.

    We’ve spent soooo much time together. Before he started the weird crap, I felt safe and protected and understood and good with him.

    but ever since I got back from my trip, THAT’s when I started to feel threatened, manipulated, scared, turned on. that’s when all the weird smells and patterns of ignoring me and then showing up started with him.


  37.  #37Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Ok, speaking of TRUTH, I have thought much about this – sometimes, in order for me to feel “clear” and move on, I do need to write a message to someone expressing how I feel. Perhaps getting at the truth.

    Which reminds me, I had a philosophical “aha” about this. For me – I don’t know if for anyone else – the ‘need to be right’ isn’t really that. It comes out as that. But what it really is is a desire to access the truth. But accessing the truth is not the same as claiming to know what “The Truth” really is. Because, by our very natures, we have limited vision, limited experience, and limited capacity. Perhaps it is only by acknowledging these limits can we access the exact and precise truth that we DO know, without attempting to know something that we do not and cannot know.

    Ok, philosophy break over.

    I just want to declare here that, if I do decide to write S a message that it will ONLY be about my truth. That I will 100% refrain from trying to access HIS truth (this is very tempting for me), and that it will be carefully crafted with time and attention given toward making it a communication of only the essentials. And nothing more. AND there will be a release of all expectations for a result. I really don’t want a “result.” I do want to feel clear and fully expressed. And I will sit on it before I send it.

    You are my witnesses!!

  38.  #38Andrea on May 13, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    IAMHIS: I might not be the popular voice on this blog, but, I guess I’m not understanding… What is that he’s actually done to make you think that he’s into you?

    I don’t buy into the idea that “men are so dumb” that they need a big signal to know that a woman has feelings for them. I think that most all men pretty much think most women are into them, and if not, they pretty much have the confidence to know what to do to get a woman to be into them. And it isn’t subtle games….

    Men… all men… know how to get what they want. If a man.. married or not… wants a “relationship” with you, he will let you know. He will chase you, pursue you.. you said he’s smart enough to find you on social media, but he’s not smart enough to find your phone number?

    I haven’t heard you say.. “He asked me out. He has been calling me. He leans in toward me and tells me that he can’t wait til we’re alone. He tells me he wants to kiss me. He tells me he can’t wait to see me tomorrow.”

    Now, you’re saying that the reason he hasn’t done any of this is because he’s married and you feel like he’s just fighting off the attraction.. really????

    And yet, you found out there was some involvement with a co-worker?

    I want to be nice about this, but honestly, it really seems like a huge imaginary plight that you’re putting yourself under. If a man wants you, he will try to get you. If a man wants you… you don’t need to chase him down and tell him you have feelings for him….. he will be chasing you. If a man wants you, you will know.

    I’m not sure if you wanted advice or not… but my advice would be.. in no way, shape, or form do you tell him you have feelings for him. Go work out! Go write a book! Go get drunk with your girlfriends! Go.. do what ever you need to do to get this guy off your mind. And stop blaming him that he’s on your mind. It’s not his fault. He is being who he is, you’re the one who is running with it.

    He is married. That’s the first and only clue you need to know that: He’s just not that into you!

    And you are so much more valuable than anything less than a man who is completely available and devoted to you. Why would you settle for anything less than that.

    Let’s switch this…. Okay… so maybe he is attracted to you.

    Can you tell me Why in the world YOU would SETTLE for HIM? What has he shown you so far that would lead you to believe that he would be the very best candidate for your unbelievably lovable, worthy, exceptional heart? What has he done to make you rule out all the other men on the planet and give even an iota of energy to him?

    When you go to work…. just work! That’s what work is for. Work, get your paycheck… then come home and get into living the wonderful, ecstatic, adventurous life that you deserve.

    I’m sorry I’m being harsh, but sheesh… I want to shake you AWAKE!! A married man is NEVER EVER a good possibility. If you feel some chemistry and you suspect he feels it too… then… let him go and get a divorce, settle the divorce, work through the emotions of the divorce, and then come and find you. Please maintain your pride, your value, and your sense of faith that GOD as you say…. wants so much better for you than left overs.

  39.  #39IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 3:35 pm


    Thank you. Seriously. I think I am making myself a little crazy.

    I think the only thing you missed from my posts is that I would never pursue a married man, and I’m trying really hard not to even so much as get a crush on a married man, but obviously it’s not working.

    I feel really embarrassed and angry and sad.

    also just googled “smell during ovulation” and that explains a lot.

    I feel childish and I feel angry that I feel childish.

    because I feel like I have a lot of wisdom and a lot to offer.

    but I lack experience and I am somewhat naive.

    I suppose I am childish in a lot of ways, BUT IS THAT SO WRONG?

    No STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, and I’m just trying so hard to protect my heart.

    I feel so many emotions.

    This sucks.

    I feel like throwing things.

    I feel so angry and embarrassed and sad, I can’t even think straight.

  40.  #40IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 3:35 pm


    Thank you. Seriously. I think I am making myself a little crazy.

    I think the only thing you missed from my posts is that I would never pursue a married man, and I’m trying really hard not to even so much as get a crush on a married man, but obviously it’s not working.

    I feel really embarrassed and angry and sad.

    also just googled “smell during ovulation” and that explains a lot.

    I feel childish and I feel angry that I feel childish.

    because I feel like I have a lot of wisdom and a lot to offer.

    but I lack experience and I am somewhat naive.

    I suppose I am childish in a lot of ways, BUT IS THAT SO WRONG?

    No STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, and I’m just trying so hard to protect my heart.

    I feel so many emotions.

    This sucks.

    I feel like throwing things.

    I feel so angry and embarrassed and sad, I can’t even think straight.

  41.  #41Andrea on May 13, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I guess I feel riled and wow!

    I have a very rich client. He has made it known to me how wealthy he is. He has also been very helpful toward some of my issues.. like getting my daughters ortho.. (not paying, just suggesting different doctors.. etc) He’s also shown me around his lavish home and told me that if I ever needed to, I would always have a place to live in his home.

    He is also very married.

    Today, he booked me for a two hour massage. Okay.. kind of strange. But I said it was okay. And then proceeded to hit on me, make suggestive comments, and out and out try almost everything he could think of to get me to “touch” him “down there”.

    He tried flattery, self pity by telling me his wife has cancer and can’t be sexual with him anymore, tried to convince me that I was as attracted to him as he was to me, tried “soliciting”.. tried to send new clients my way.

    Okay, yes, he is the type of personality, age group, financial group.. etc.. that I normally date and am attracted to. But guess what… not married.. and not in his sneaky, atrocious, tit for tat… way that he tried to do it. LIke… he did so much for me, now it’s time I did “more” for him than I would usually do.

    Well, I told him simply, “I feel very cheap and exposed and vulnerable that you would suggest that.”

    He said, “If that doesn’t interest you, then I believe we are history.”

    I said, “I believe we are.”

    And I still demanded that he pay me for the appointment.

    I do have lots of experience with that kind of thing happening over the years. I am not a prude and also do give a wonderful sensual massage when I want to and not for my Massage Clients, but for someone I’m seeing.. (or trying to impress). But none of that applies to this man. I feel good about myself that I was firm. I also feel good that I maintained the type of personae that I wanted him to see. I don’t feel I owe a man anything because he is “nice” to me. jeesh!

  42.  #42Andrea on May 13, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    IamHis! No! It’s great to feel childish and throw things. : )
    And it’s really really great to write on this blog because if not then we might ACT in ways that just aren’t in our best interest.

    Yes, throw things. And yes… oh yes.. you really do have so so much wisdom joy and purity to offer.

    I don’t know how to tell you how wonderful I felt when you posted about the conception of your name
    “Iam HIS” because that’s how I feel about God as well. And it feels good to have someone else validate that sentiment with me.

    I just don’t want you or any woman to believe that a married man is the only option they have. We are not supposed to be competing with each other for men. They compete for us.

    I feel angry that you are in this position. That any of us get put in positions like this… but I know you have the fortitude, faith, and are worthy.. to get through this.

    I know you said you would not pursue a married man. But why does he get space in your mind? In your energy? I’m not a coach.. for sure… probably too mean to coach people. But I wonder if you could maybe ask yourself that question?

    Why am I giving this situation or this man so much thought and energy? Maybe you can riff on that .. I don’t know.. maybe there’s something deeper there. Why settle for poop thoughts, when there are so many other wonderful thoughts and feelings you could be going through.

    Maybe that’s a good one for me too. : ) Why are ick thoughts okay with me? When there are so many wonderful uplifting beautiful things I could be occupying my mind with.

    ps.. I’m really glad that you aren’t going to tell him how you feel about him. He does not deserve that ego ride, and it could very well distract his thoughts away from his beautiful innocent children and the time he could devote to his wife.

  43.  #43IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Thanks, Andrea. Truly.


    I want him out.

    I want to throw him up, like he’s a sickness inside of me.

    I feel really scared.

    Because I don’t really think this is about him at all…

  44.  #44IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Thanks, Andrea. Truly.


    I want him out.

    I want to throw him up, like he’s a sickness inside of me.

    I feel really scared.

    Because I don’t really think this is about him at all…

  45.  #45IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    I just…scream cried. It was really scary. I feel terrified and panicky. I need my counselor or someone

  46.  #46IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    why do you feel angry that I’m in this position?

  47.  #47Femininewoman on May 13, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    But why does he get space in your mind?

    We all have choices to make. What we focus on grows. I have learned from Rori “make him or any situation small”. It can be done in your mind. Make it small as a dot and even tucked away at the very back of our heart or mind.

    Even thoughts can be considered as tangled balls of string wanting to get out into the world. One can visualize letting this ball go. Letting it scatter itself out into the Universe until it dissipates. Our minds are our own space. It is the one playground that we get to create.

  48.  #48Femininewoman on May 13, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Kyla how about parenting styles?

  49.  #49Liquid Light on May 13, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    oh dread…yuck yucky yucks bleh!!!!

    I just had an interview for a contract and it went well overall. But I found out I would be working with an ex-colleague of mine from long ago. She ended up getting fired because she was so bad at what she did. Just terrible and it put a huge burden on the rest of the team, esp me, because we had to take up the slack.

    I really really really don’t want to work with her again. Also, she represents everything I want to move away from in my past. Yuck! The thought of seeing her and working with her again just makes me so depressed!!!! Yuck!!!

    Then there’s another contract that I have another interview for on Friday. I’m trying to get it moved up though. I want that contract more, esp now because of having to work with HER.

    I want to turn down this contract but the wheels have been set in motion and I would feel so bad about it. Ughh…its really far away so my commute would be horrendous. If this other things comes through, I would prefer it so much more!!!! ARGGGHHHHH!!!!

  50.  #50life on May 13, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    I told the truth and it backfired me. I met him jan.2013 and we had a great 3 month relationship. Everything was perfect with him with me and our feeling. He kept telling me he is 100% committed to me and he was until I broke up one day and I am still looking for him to come back to me. He wanted to make me happy and we laughed all the time, but he did not have his own place. he is 54 years old and had housemates so we could never be at his place and he, instead of thinking moving to his new place, he was adding an office to his room, renting another room. it was bothering me all the time but I could not tell him anything yet because we had just started. I was sooo stupid to let him go and right after that I felt how much I loved him. It’s been 14 months now, and he felt so hurt that he started going to counseling for months, maybe he still does, I don’t know. We have talked couple of times and texted too and he has texted me that he is missing me and wants to spend time with me, and as soon as I show him how happy I am and I want to see him too, he disappears. I have tried to stay away a few times and give him his space. This last time out of the blue, he texted me one day and said he is missing me and wants to be with me and when I said ok and yes, he said he is studing for a test and it will take him couple of weeks to finish. And also he said he might get laid off so he does not want to see me yet because if he gets laid off, he does not know where he will end up finding a job. we spoke a few times and he finished his test and they day after, he got laid off. He texted me and gave me the news. I have not heard from him. I love him so much and I miss him so much. I told him once I was sorry and I told him how I was feeling about him and asked for a second chance and this was last year. I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t know if he is playing games with me or what? I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I do know that I regret what I did and I hurt him bad and I felt so bad but I have been hurting more than him because I can never love anyone else. I have been to different dates and tried to forget him but every date that I have gone, I have more realized how good he was, how respectful he was towards me and how…. I just can’t forget him and don’t know what to do. Should I wait for him? Maybe when he lost his job, he did not want to be with me with having no job. I don’t know, I am just trying to make sense of all these. Why is he doing this? why he comes around and once he sees I am still here, he disappears? is he toxic? what is this? do you know?????

  51.  #51luzydel on May 13, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Cutecd (which right now doesn’t feel so cute) is back to his old self playing the same old games. I feel frustrated right now, but as painful as it feels, I have to go to the dreaded “he’s not that into me” reality. It all ends up the same way; I wish I could read minds and people’s intentions. I guess CDing many men without giving my heart and trust to any of them is the way to go…

  52.  #52IamHis on May 13, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    @47 Feminine Woman – that imagery feels soooo good to consider. I visualized it and feel a lot better. Thank you! 🙂

  53.  #53Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Aw, IamHis – I just want to give all your feelings a big hug, and love on your pattern, and slather love all over it like Nutella on toast. Mm, Nutella…how’s that???

  54.  #54Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Andrea (41) yuck!!!! Ew. Yeah, that is not cool at all. Gross. I forgot you are a massage therapist also. It’s one of the downsides of massage for me that a lot of people don’t really get the difference, that there are places you can go for “sensual massage,” and they might be seedy little joints, or maybe not. But that does not mean that EVERY massage therapist is going to be doing that, and most of them won’t. And just because they are paying for it doesn’t mean that either. They are paying for YOUR services. They don’t get to make their own menu. And it’s not a Burger King. This guy sounds like a rich, self-entitled {fill in the blank with your preferred epithet}. Good job holding your boundaries. I would expect nothing less!!!

    (All that said, I don’t know if length of time indicates sketchiness. I was once solicited by a guy who signed up for a 1/2-hour massage. Or maybe it was 15 minutes. And I’ve loved giving two hour massages. So much time to spend on the different parts of the body and no need to rush. I can get really lost in the details. But it’s good for the client, too. I met one therapist who did 4-HOUR massages. I don’t know how she did it!)

  55.  #55prplpsn28 on May 13, 2014 at 7:25 pm


  56.  #56Tereana on May 13, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    So, I haven’t done it. I gave myself permission. It made a lot of sense. And then I forgot about it. I forgot about him. I chatted with my neighbors. My mood lifted. Then, when I remembered him, I found myself feeling dark. And so, I forgot about him again. I simply steered my thoughts in a new direction that felt good.

    In fact, I called and chatted with my Godmother today. She truly is a Godsend. Truly. When I speak with both her and my Godfather, I feel truly understood, supported, and blessed.

    The apartment below them is vacant and the landlord likes me and would love for me to move in. It’s a BEAUTIFUL space. It allows cats. The town is quiet and quaint. It’s within walking distance to the train. And, for what it is, it’s not expensive. At all. Only trouble is, despite all that, I don’t really have the money to move in.

    Ladies, I am praying for a miracle, here. I would love for something somehow to happen that would allow for me to do a few things – maybe buy a cheap car; rent this apartment; pay back some of my smaller debts. And then I can keep working and chipping away at the big stuff.

    My life IS getting better. Right now. It’s hard to see, but I believe it. It’s like sap rising in the trees before you see the buds. It’s there, but it’s hidden. And spring is on the way and explosions of brightness and color and growth. All of that in ABUNDANCE. I believe in abundance. I believe in an abundant and benevolent Universe. I believe in things that I cannot see, that are not proven to me yet. And I believe in myself and my own happiness and the advent of my dreams.

    I still dream in fashion. I will be in this field. This is where my career lies. I know it.

    Life is strange. But it’s AMAZING. I can taste it. Again, like the first smell of spring. There it is. About to arrive, luscious and abundant and sexy and full of fun.


    I feel so grateful for all of my blessings. So grateful for my Godparents. They truly are the best <3

  57.  #57Liquid Light on May 13, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Andrea 41:

    Your post really triggered me. That man you describe just seems like so many men that I encounter, the story is different but the energy is the same. Men who are totally sleazy and all they want to do is take – take – take. They want to use you for sex and even though they have plenty of $, they don’t spend it on you and still want sex in return. Its disgusting. I’ve met men who seem like really “nice guys” and they behave like that. Yuck! GRRRRR!!!!!!!! Just so friggin pissed about the lamea** LOSER men I keep meeting..its just so #&*^*%&% pathetic!!!! The other night, I ended up going out with someone after a meetup who invited me out but didn’t have a car. So I ended up driving his lame a** and when I decline his invitation to go play pool (wow, thanks that’s SO appealing) across from where he lives (and we all know where he was hoping that would lead) at the end of the night, he gets out of my car and doesn’t ask to see me again or for my number and just gets out abruptly as if its my loss??? These men are pathetic and they are so full of themselves!!!! I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about him and don’t take him seriously as a man who is worthy of me in the slightest. Ughhh….gross!!!!! Skin crawling now…

  58.  #58Linda on May 13, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    I do love this post. Truth feels like the twin of authenticity.

    I realize that in order for me to live authentically.. I have to be that way with myself first.

    This post makes me realize that I don’t live that way a lot of the time. I confess the reason is that the honest truth about some things/issues/circumstances in my life scare me and I freeze or try to squirm away from them.

    I feel so inspired by the words… “own everything I am feeling”. Yes even the un pretty stuff and the stuff in me that is hidden in the closet of my heart. The stuff people write in journals that I never would because people would find them someday and the thought of being exposed like that is…never something I would risk. It feels better to me if I get real on the inside alone.

  59.  #59Indigo on May 13, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    I had it brought to my attention the other day that there is something that I do that is not very nice. I was sort of aware of that before, but I get so caught up in the moment with fears of being rejected and abandoned, and my adrenaline starts pumping and I start feeling uncomfortable *feelings*, that it really interferes with my ability to see whether what I’m doing is right or not.

    It was difficult to see that in myself… mainly because there is no desire anywhere in me to hurt another person. The idea that I was doing it not entirely consciously was a very uncomfortable one for me.

    But I realized, my work is to slow my feelings down… over time get to a calmer place so I can work through my fears, reassure them and calm them. Search for that place inside myself where I can calm things and slow things down so that I can process what I’m feeling and think before I speak. Over time, I believe the calmness will take over and I will not be so tempted to say something which might not be very nice, or is hurtful. Now that I have awareness around this. This is a healing journey for me.

  60.  #60Emerson on May 13, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Hi sirens my truth is that I’m terrified that I will end up alone and never again have that magical love connection ….
    I feel scared of that and I beat myself up for it.

    I’ve managed to lean forward once again with both exoticcd and cutecityCD and not with good results. I’ve been essentially ignored by both. Lol who cares but wow actually I do care!
    I want someone to contact me and make an effort! I feel impatient and like a big fat sigh coming out ….
    I have been so tired after work I have not been cding.
    I really need to practice the tools again.im going to switch things up on my lunch break tomorrow maybe go to a coffee shop and waterwheel…
    I need some big changes…
    Oh and also, exoticcd announced suddenly that he is moving so he will no longer be my neighbor. I feel relieved and sad too …he said we will keep in touch. He is on bad terms with the landlord and moving due to some ethical reasons of which I don’t know or understand the details but he had some beef about how the landlord is treating other tenants so he decided to move on grounds of principle. Sounds pretty dramatic to me.
    I told him we should meet for coffee and car h up before he moves and he agrees and suddenly I felt like the man asking out a woman for a coffee date lol….
    Sometimes I wonder if he is gay. Not sure.

  61.  #61Veronica on May 13, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Azure Blu – 21 – That’s a great idea, I have been thinking about that on and off for a while now. It would be really good to verbalise that. Thank you xo
    Also, Dominique’s article about what is a relationship helps a lot.

  62.  #62Veronica on May 13, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    About OwlCD, I don’t feel attracted to him because there’s very little of him in the conversations we have – we talk about many interesting things, but him I can’t get a sense of ‘him’ in all the conversations. And I can see how I could also be like that. I want to share more, I now understand how important that is. I can see how sometimes I too hide behind information. When I feel comfortable around a man it’s easier for me to share. I don’t always feel comfortable around OwlCD – sometimes I get the sense that he’ll slip into feminine mode, as if I should be directing our interactions – I clam up when I notice that he’s heading there, sometimes I want to flee. I like that things are not defined, it works for me now. And yet, I don’t want to be initiating the ‘where is this going’ conversation.

    Reading this I wonder if I don’t trust myself enough. But I do. Maybe a man can do all the right things and still there can be no attraction, just like I could try all the tools and a man can still not be attracted to me. Maybe I want a man who wants a relationship with me, who doesn’t want to go anywhere near ‘undefined’ – yeah, that’s it. But I’m not attracted to OwlCD – even if he did do that.

  63.  #63Emerson on May 13, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    I feel weird that I have a suspiciousness about exoticcd being gay. It’s just a hunch.

  64.  #64Emerson on May 13, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    I feel frustrated and exhausted “looking” for a partner. I need to change my approach

  65.  #65Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 5:58 am

    I had a date on Monday evening with my first POFer. : ) Well, it was a quick first meeting that lasted two hours, then I had to rush off to a function at my daughter’s school. It was a rainy evening. The first place we decided to meet at was awkward because his parents and neighbors had decided to do an impromptu Happy Hour meeting at the same place.
    So we hopped in his car to drive to another place a few blocks away. Conversation was good although I was pushing it and leaning in and nervous.

    I liked him. (darn)

    I left my umbrella in his car by accident when he dropped me back off at my car.

    I feel very awkward and pained now. Two days later. He didn’t set up another date with me and he has not called or contacted me at all.

    I like him.. I should say… I like HIM, the representation of what he could offer me..
    But I had some red flags about his actions regarding me. (Does that make sense?)

    I like him:
    1. Handsome, very tall, standing next to him I feel petite. I like that.
    2. Eleven years older than me, very stable, very professional, owns his house on the lake, wealthy
    3. Lives close to his parents. Is very close to them. He said they are his best friends. Fishes and golfs with his dad. Cooks with his Mom. Very family oriented.
    4. Owns his own business and is very flexible with his time and loves to travel.
    5. Paid for my glass of wine and the appetizer we shared.
    6. Is friends with a crowd of people in my town that I really would like to get “in” with.

    1. He never complimented me. Not once. Didn’t comment on how I looked or my smile or my eyes.. I don’t know. Not one compliment.
    2. We had arranged our first meeting via online. So he never once asked me for my phone number. When he was complaining that he’d had to wait out in the rain for me to show up so he could tell me about his parents being at the first venue, I mentioned that if he’d had my phone number he would have been able to call me.
    He said, “Let’s remedy that right now.” (it was good natured) he took out his phone and looked at me expectantly. And I, caught off guard, just rattled off my phone number. Then he texted me right away so that I would have his number. Then he said, (and I quote) “Now I’ve just had to do ALL THE WORK!!!”
    I was kind of aghast. And I think he saw the shock on my face. And he kind of mumbled… “well, it’s not really work when it comes to you.”
    3. He is best friends with one of my past CDers. This is a guy that I gave up on because we only ever had anything to do with each other if I called him, if I made the moves, if I set up the date and asked him to take me out. This past guy was always.. always willing to do what ever I asked, but I always had to do the calling, the asking. It was exhausting. I stopped calling him and we stopped going out. So.. ick by association. (I didn’t know the POFer was friends with the past CDer until he mentioned it. The POFer does not know that I know his friend.)

    Anyway, I feel bleh and blah and kind of like… “well, there’s a loss of a good umbrella.”

    Because I am not going down that lazy dater road again. I am not going to call or contact this guy at all. I feel like he needs to do some re-con if he’s going to have another date with me. Firstly, contact me. I’m not holding out much hope.

    Well, I have a date on Friday with a man I gave my girlie business card to about a month or so ago. I feel kind happy about at least having a date for the weekend. Although the phone conversations I’ve had with this guy have been annoying to say the least. He talks and talks and talks… hardly breathing between words. I feel like I don’t want to write him off because perhaps he’s just nervous. But it is going to take some patience to get through this date if he doesn’t relax a little bit.

    Well, time to sink into Andrea Fullness mode. I really need to love on myself a bit and tend to my feelings a bit. I think I’ll go hiking this morning and find some energy again.

  66.  #66Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 6:07 am

    Veronica #61…
    You have mentioned a few times you are not really attracted to Owlcd…

    He is the PERFECT candidate to PRACTICE sharing YOUR idea of what a good relationship would be for YOU…

    I’ve noticed the more i practice sharing my truth about wanting “rest of my life, living together relationship… but dating and getting to know each other first” and a man who is wanting that too.
    Sharing this With each cd on the first or 2nd date… it sets the tone. (also its easier cause I have absolutely NO expectations with them yet)
    They perceive me as a woman
    with boundaries
    and dreams and
    my “degree of difficulty” goes up.

    Some will then share with me
    what they are looking for in life
    and dating and it either is a fit or it isn’t.
    Some say “wellllll… let’s see what happens”
    And that is perfectly fine…
    Cause I have shared my TRUTH
    and it’s on the table from the beginning!!
    AND I do know I have to have many dates to see if this man is “the rest of my life” material!! :-))

  67.  #67Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 6:08 am

    PS… sometimes ONE date is all it takes to know this man is not for me… ;-0

  68.  #68Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Azure Blu… I like I like I like I like… everything you’ve just said to Veronica.

    I popped back online to say: I did the exercise in this new post from Rori. And I feel all chuckly about myself.

    I had mentioned that I didn’t feel hopeful.

    What truth am I telling myself: I only feel hopeful when I’m the one directing everything. I really don’t want to step back and let the Universe surprise me because I’m still not completely trusting that The Universe had my best interest at heart. I still feel the need to drive and direct every single iota of my dating life. If I’m determined to lean back and let a potential new CD call me.. I say.. “I’m not hopeful. It’s doubtful he will.” And then show the evidence for all to see.

    What am I not telling myself: That a man, a good man, my right man, my ONE, will find me and he will want me and he will love me. I love me. I’m worthy of a return phone call, of a second date, of a good relationship. I don’t need a bunch of men to date me right, I only need ONE man. All others are practice and good for me to know more about me. That I really do feel at peace.

    What am I not telling someone else: That it’s okay for you to not like me. It really is okay for you to not call me. It really is okay for you to not be the perfect picture of what I think I want. It’s all okay. We all unfold in the right time. It’s okay if you’re not perfect, and it’s okay if you’re not my ONE. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy or a jerk or wrong.. it just means that you haven’t found your One yet either. And that’s okay.

    I feel like putting down the role of director and just taking it easy on myself for a while. I feel like having fun on the stage being a dancer, singer, poet.. and allowing the audience to clap, and taking my bow, and collecting my roses. : )

  69.  #69Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Azure Blu – Thank you! Yes, that is definitely one of our options and may be the best way to proceed for now. As it is he is at my place 5 nights a wk and we’re at his on the wkds he has his kids. I want to hear how he sees this working fulltime, if he’s the captain and I’m going to be first mate I want to understand how he runs his ship before I accept the position and sail out to sea 🙂

    Femininewoman – Thank you, yes parenting styles has been discussed in much detail and we seem to be on the same page. Our kids are in the same age range and there doesn’t seem to be any conflict in that regard. That’s really important to me as I’m a real mama bear where my kids are concerned 🙂

    So he found someone to rent his place last night and has found a place near me to rent if we decide to wait so that there’s no pressure. He’s ready to move this to marriage, consolidate finances and start building a future now.. or whatever I’m ready for. I’m sitting in my spot smiling and feeling relaxed and content to take my time and feel through it..

    He’s that strange animal that recognized me straight away just like Rori said he would.

  70.  #70Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Andrea – I love this 🙂
    “I feel like having fun on the stage being a dancer, singer, poet.. and allowing the audience to clap, and taking my bow, and collecting my roses.”

  71.  #71Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Indigo #58
    Such courage you are showing…
    to be able to see a pattern you have
    and look it in the eyes and say
    “Yes, I can see that I do that” and
    “I would like to understand why and stop doing it.”
    YAY YOU!!!

  72.  #72Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Emerson #58
    Darling Siren (((hugs)))
    ” my truth is that I’m terrified that I will end up alone and never again have that magical love connection ….
    I feel scared of that and I beat myself up for it.”

    I do know how that feels…
    I felt it last night…
    This fear makes me feel
    tired of being alone
    Scared of being WITH someone
    unworthy and
    (did I say?) tired!!!
    Ohhhh… Azure…. darlin’ girl… of course you would be tired
    You have been alone a VERY long time…
    Do your workout this morning…
    Go on the date with MN this afternoon
    and Relax
    Just BE
    don’t try and direct…
    Be curious
    about YOU when your in his presence.
    Just be there.
    and remember…

  73.  #73Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 7:47 am

    Treanna #55
    The place sounds Amazing… I am sending prayers to the universe that you will be able to move soon!!!

  74.  #74Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Andrea #41
    Yay you!!!
    I love your feeling message here
    ““I feel very cheap and exposed and vulnerable that you would suggest that.”
    and then let him go~ AFTER he paid you!!
    Powerful Goddess!

  75.  #75Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Andrea #38
    YES YES!! Thank you for the thoughtful, time you take to share your sireney insights my dear!!!

    “Can you tell me Why in the world YOU would SETTLE for HIM?
    What has he shown you so far that would lead you to believe that he would be the very best candidate for YOUR UNBELIEVABLY LOVABLE, WORTHY, EXCEPTIONAL HEART???”
    “What has he done to make you rule out
    all the other men on the planet
    and give even an iota of energy to him? ”
    A great reminder for ME!!
    ” IF a man wants you, he will try to get you.
    IF a man wants you…
    YOU DON”T need to chase him down and
    tell him you have feelings for HIM…..
    HE will be chasing you.
    IF a man wants you, you will know. “

  76.  #76Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Andrea #64
    Feels like KS, my ex cd…
    “Because I am not going down that lazy dater road again.”
    Somehow KS always tried to get me to do more and more as our relationship became more relaxed…
    Too feminine I didn’t like it..
    Not to say I won’t give…
    but Rori’s tools have taught me to observe how these tendencies feel… Such a time saver… Next (in a warm hearted way)

    Good luck on your date Friday!!!

  77.  #77Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 8:37 am

    I just turned down the contract where my ex-colleague works…sure hope the other contract comes through!

  78.  #78Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 8:39 am

    Wow Liquid L!!
    Sounds like a very good decision based on knowledge you had on the woman you would have to work with…!!
    fingers crossed for the other contract!!

  79.  #79Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Thanks Azure!

    Ditto what Azure said in post 72, good luck Tereana!!! Fingers crossed for you too!!!

  80.  #80Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Here’s my metaphor that just popped into my head this morning for what dating feels like right now: you have sift through A LOT of dirt to find GOLD!

  81.  #81Veronica on May 14, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Azure Blu – 65 – Yay this feels good to read. I can’t wait to try that –and I feel excited almost passionate about the kind of future yummy love relationship I want. I’ll practice with OwlCD and now I’m curious as to how that will go. He does so much right – is interested, keeps in contact, pays for dates, plans dates, is supportive – I’m just not attracted to him: ( But his presence has done so much good – I have a taste of what a ‘tuned-in’ man feels like – it feels wonderful and I get to access parts of myself that didn’t have a chance before. Sometimes I question what I had with BM. I am feeling excited though because it seems as though the quality of men are improving and my interactions with men are improving.
    I sense that with OwlCD that we’ll have a beautiful, deep friendship – I feel excited at the prospect, and quite happy too if that happens.

  82.  #82Veronica on May 14, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Kyla – Your relationship progresses so easily. I like the thought of just watching and enjoying an inspired man taking the relationship forward – there’s a pleasure to it that I like.

  83.  #83Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I feel frustrated with my attempts to let go of all these feelings of frustration, resistence, disappointment, worry, doubt and stress at work. I know I need to quit and I’m resisting that too as I don’t have a back up plan. I feel afraid of what will happen. I am feeling stuck and hopeful and trusting and frustrated and disillusioned with my career direction. I want something to change without making any move myself. I’m being audited next week and I have no will to review my files and get them in order. I resist helping myself. I resist because I don’t want to be here. I want to believe that maybe this is the change I asked for. I want to let go without guilt, walk away and move forward. Where to I don’t know. I am so sorry for the stuckness I am perpetuating. I feel grateful for the opportunity to review my direction. Please forgive me for feeling confused and stuck and unmotivated. I love you, Kyla. I want the very best for you. I want you to know that you deserve the very best too. All is working out perfectly for you and everything will turn out better and more wonderful than you ever dreamed possible. I know this is true because it feels joyful. I know the way I’m feeling now is not the truth because it feels draining and lifeless. Take a little baby step with me towards joy. Take my hand and take one tiny little step. I love you. I’m always on your side.

  84.  #84Zara on May 14, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    The search for approval from friends, associates, and family members is a full-time job with no vacations. At its center lies the search for ultimate approval, the search that all the songs are about, for the person who will look at us and say, “You’re the one.”
    We call this “falling in love.”
    In this chapter we’ll look at falling in love and becoming a couple, and we’ll see who is really “the one.”

    Falling in love is usually understood completely backward, like so many other important things.
    There’s no mystery to falling in love.
    We have fallen out of the awareness of love and are ecstatic when we find our way back, misunderstanding how we did it.

    Remember the little girl doing flips in the corner of the playground? She has the key.
    Look at her face, lit up with the excitement of perfection. She’s overjoyed just to be there with her legs and arms to play with. There is absolutely nothing more that she wants or needs, and she’s too absorbed in the moment to realise it.

    The flip she does is an expression of love itself.

    When she does the flip again, looking to see if she can win applause, she shifts her focus outward and cuts herself off from love.

    But love doesn’t go anywhere; she just loses her awareness of it.

    Later in life, people call experiences like this “falling out of love” and think that they’re about the other person.

    The little girl is innocently misdirected.
    She begins to think that the way back to her happiness—to a perfect moment—depends on the reaction of the other kids. Even though the awareness of love is always available, years might pass before she has it again, years she devotes to searching for love and approval outside herself.

    When you’re constantly trying to be likeable, you leave no gaps in your life in which you can just breathe and notice what you already have, no chance to experience the unlimited options that those gaps are filled with.

    Even after you’ve attracted admirers and supporters, you’re still busy seeking results. You have to make sure that your friends do all the things friends are supposed to do—invite you to parties, send work your way, console you when you feel depressed. And it‘s never enough. You’re constantly on the lookout for any evidence that you’re not approved of, or adored.

    “Falling in love” is a powerful experience. If you look back, you may remember it as a moment when you stopped seeking.
    You stopped because you thought you’d found what you were looking for.
    Your mind was no longer filled with the effort, the desperation, of seeking.
    What you found is what you had in the corner of the playground and never really lost.
    But now you think it’s coming from another person, someone who is “the one.”

    Many people fall in love for the first time as teenagers. By that time the simple playground joy has vanished (actually you left it, but that’s not how it seems).
    Dark thoughts appear—anxiety about how you’re not all right and how no one can ever love you.
    Then the miracle happens: Suddenly there is someone to love, and you can stop searching.

    Maybe it’s a boy in your chemistry class or a singer you saw at a rock concert. Maybe it’s a movie star or your best friend’s new girlfriend.

    With this kind of love you’re just as happy when there’s no hope of return.
    You don’t mind if a kiss is completely out of the question because you have braces on your teeth, or because you would never betray your friend, or because there is no possibility of meeting the rock star.
    These may be the very reasons that you let yourself love completely.

    When you look back on that first crush, it’s possible to see that the girl you adored had nothing to do with it.
    Years later you can run into her again, stare at her all you want, and not have a clue what you saw there.
    You would have done anything to marry her, and now you’re grateful that she never noticed you.

    If the love isn’t coming from the other person, then who does that leave for the love to come from?

    There’s only one person left: you.

    You gave yourself the experience.

    The blissful feeling was not caused by how wonderful or sexy your best friend’s girlfriend was. It was you who felt the wonder and the excitement.
    Someone held up a mirror and showed you your heart.

    There are those who say that a crush is a delusion, that it wasn’t real because it all came from you.
    Another way to look at it is that the crush was as real as any experience you’ll ever have: you just made a mistake about where the joy was coming from.

    The source wasn’t the brown-eyed girl or Leonardo DiCaprio; it was your own long-lost capacity to experience pure joy.
    When you had the crush, you found your way back to the child doing flips, just for herself. That’s the one you abandoned in order to seek an identity that you thought others would recognise.

    What we may think of as “first love” really takes us back to love itself, which is what we are to begin with.

    You find other ways to fall in love when you get older. As you leave your teens, the worst of your awkwardness diminishes; your approval-getting skills get better with practice. After many trials, you may find someone who approves of you so much that they tell you, “You’re the one.”
    You like that.
    You like to be approved of that much.
    And maybe you approve of them for other reasons as well (and maybe not, and even that won’t necessarily stop you).

    Since you’ve been approved of, you can ease up for a while: there’s much less straining to please and charm.
    Without your efforts getting in the way, love just flows.
    You bask in the happiness of it.
    Sometimes it seems like there’s enough love to include everyone and everything you meet.
    Again, you’ll probably think it’s all about him, the one who thinks you’re the one.
    But the happiness is really you returning to yourself. Love was there all along; only your painful thoughts obscured it.

    How long does that joy last?
    Grownup love is like the crush—it lasts only until painful thoughts cover it over.
    “What if she doesn’t really love me?”
    “He doesn’t listen.”
    “She shouldn’t have flirted with that guy.”
    Any one of these thoughts will destroy your happiness.
    And one way or another, that happiness will have to vanish as long as you believe the thought that love—the joy you stumbled into—depends on the other person.

    Most people believe that having love in their lives and escaping loneliness depends on finding some special person.
    This is an ancient belief, and it takes courage to question it.
    But if you do, you’re in for a big surprise: You can feel love either with or without someone in your arms.

    And no, that doesn’t mean that you won’t have a partner. Why would it?
    When with and without are equal, you notice that both are good: life allows all flavours, and all of them turn out to be your favourite.

    The old song asks, “Why do fools fall in love?”
    Actually, only fools don’t fall in love.
    Only a fool would believe the lonely, stressful thoughts that tell him that anything could separate him from another human being, or from the rest of the human race, or from birds, trees, pavement, and sky.

    Don’t believe me, ask yourself.

    Try the next exercise.

    Exercise: “Who would you be without the thought that your happiness depends on someone else?”
    If you’re feeling your way into this question, here is an exercise that may help you answer it.

    First of all, remind yourself what love means to you. What is the experience of love to you?
    To locate this experience, be still, close your eyes, and remember a particular moment when you experienced love.

    Remember how it felt in your body.

    Perhaps it was a moment when you were lying in someone’s arms or you were diving off a board, or you were watching a sleeping child, or you may even have been alone and not doing anything out of the ordinary.

    When you find the moment that love appeared, try something you may not have done before.
    Turn the focus inward and relive the sensations of it.

    Instead of focusing on the person or thing that you believe brought you your experience of love, notice what happened inside of you.

    Focus on what you felt.

    Simply live in that experience for a while, so that you know what it is.

    Write down a few words that express the experience.

    Notice what it takes for you to feel like that again, right now or in any moment.

    From “I need your love, is that true?” by Byron Katie.


  85.  #85Indigo on May 14, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Thank you so much Azure Blu 🙂 it does take courage to work through our stuff rather than blame or project onto other people

  86.  #86Indigo on May 14, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Andrea 64,

    I think there is a great opportunity here (and this is purely how I read it so it may not be accurate to the situation, only you would know) to let a man unfold.

    You may never hear from him again, and you may, and if you do, I can’t help thinking it would be a great opportunity to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to reveal to you in his own way how into you he might be. To be curious about who he is rather than making it about how he responded to you. I’m so sorry if any of this sounds in any way triggering, but it was just a feeling I got when reading your post.

    This is something I do, I make a person’s (man’s) behavior about me and how much they must “like” me and how much “effort” they must be willing to put in for me, rather than just letting them unfold, giving them a break and letting them be who they are. And I’ve realized sometimes I may be selling a person short (often actually).

    Just a thought.

    And I think you’re awesome.

    *hugs* x

  87.  #87Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I have a really important phone interview on Friday for the contract that I really want!!! Excited and nervous too!!

  88.  #88Millie on May 14, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Well….I had a really emotional day yesterday. I feel tentative to share what I have to say…only because I’m feeling very sensitive and I can’t handle criticism right now. But here’s what happened….

    Saturday night, Band guy (who is married, but in the midst of a divorce) invited me to see his band play. I invited a girlfriend and he was very nice about putting us on the guest list so we wouldn’t have to pay. He had not asked me on a real date at this point btw. So my friend and I went down there. He came and sat down with us briefly and I barely got to speak to him before he had to go on stage. My girlfriend and I danced most of the songs together, until we sat down for a water break. During this break, a man that I thought was friends with Band guy came and sat with us. He offered to buy my friend and I a drink. We accepted. He was very old and I felt a bit creeped out by him honestly. He wanted to dance with us, but I deflected. My girlfriend and I returned to dancing with each other until the very last song the band was playing, a man ran up to dance with me. He was also very old, old enough to be my grandfather for sure. I smiled at Band guy while he was on stage and he smiled back, but at the end of the show he went directly backstage. I left with my friend because I did not like the feeling of lingering and did not have any expectation of what was to happen next. I texted Band guy, thanking him and said I was sorry I didn’t see him afterwards to say goodbye in person. His reply was very short as I mentioned before and he said he wanted to invite my friend and I to his house after. (First I had heard of this invitation.) I said that’s sounds fun, maybe another time as we have a long drive home. The venue was at least an hour away and his house even further. I did not hear from him the next day and felt a bit like maybe it was rude of me to leave without at least saying thank you and goodbye in person. So I texted him and said I felt bad for leaving so quickly and it would have been nice to talk more. No response. Then yesterday, he texts me saying that he doubts it. That clearly I was well taken care of by the other men at the venue and he thought it was very rude I did not even try to find him after the show. Hmmm….I called him right away, but he would not answer the phone. I hated to discuss all this over text, but he kept saying he could not talk on the phone. Basically, I apologized for leaving without finding him. I agreed I probably shouldn’t have rushed off like that, but at the same time, we aren’t dating, he had given me no indication that he had wanted to hang out after and since when am I supposed to chase him down? Anyway, I take responsibility for that, and I apologized. He continued to say that the man I “blew him off for” actually has a girlfriend and he thought it was funny that this creep was hitting on me all night and I was quote “eating it up.” I was floored. First of all, the man he is referring to is ridiculously old and unattractive. I also had thought this man was his friend, so I was polite, but not encouraging. Sure, I accepted a drink from him, perhaps in hindsight, that was not wise, being Band guy’s guest, but I didn’t do anything wrong. Then he gets on my case that I danced with another man and that is not the way to get his attention. I said- I dance for me. For fun. I always dance, you’ve seen me dance at your other shows! I started to feel like- wow this guy is acting pretty possessive and we aren’t even dating. THEN, he accuses me of being interested in his roommate, whom I only shook hands with and did not even talk to the rest of the night. Wow….at first I could validate his feelings and imagine how it must feel to be onstage and see the girl you invited talking and associating with other guys. I can imagine how that must feel, but I didn’t DO anything wrong. I offered to make it up to him, but he would not give me another chance. He said “I’m not even legally single anyway,” yes that is true, I am legally single, therefore I can talk to any man I want. It was pretty crazy. I’ve never felt so misunderstood before and made out to be rude and “playing games,” which I completely wasn’t. The takeaway for me though…is that, this man felt disrespected by me and he did not feel my interest, even though I was interested! My actions and behavior did not convey how I really felt. He felt neglected. Anyway….comments…thoughts…tomatoes?

  89.  #89Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Wow Zara thanks for posting that! There is so much there to absorb…I’m going to have to read and reread again over and over to try to wrap my head around it! Fascinating!!!

  90.  #90IamHis on May 14, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    @52 (((((Tereana)))) – I love Nutella! 🙂 That felt so good to read. I feel happy just thinking about it. 🙂

  91.  #91IamHis on May 14, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    @64 Andrea – it felt so good to read your story. It feels like he might have just been nervous himself, but I would lean back as you are.

  92.  #92Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    (((hugs))) Love YOU!!

    When I was in High School, college and beyond I always had this great rule – “I don’t date band boys!!”
    Then when I was in my late 30s i broke that rule and dated 2 band boys –
    one after the other (they didn’t know each other) Same kind of drama-
    and more-
    that you are describing…
    Allll about themselves and
    NOTHING about ME…
    When I broke up/we broke up
    I remembered why I had that rule…
    So now I have this rule…
    “As sexy and seductive as it may seem… I never date band boys”

    As Andrea put it so well-
    “What has he shown you so far that would lead you to believe that he would be the very best candidate for YOUR UNBELIEVABLY LOVABLE, WORTHY, EXCEPTIONAL HEART???”
    “What has he done to make you rule out
    all the other men on the planet
    and give even an iota of energy to him?”

  93.  #93Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Thank you Zara for this deep inspiration…
    I have pasted and copied to feel, absorb and think further…

  94.  #94Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Kyla #82…
    Feels teary, soft and nurturing when I read how you are LOVING and caring for YOU!!!
    When you knock on a door it usually opens… 🙂

  95.  #95April Rose on May 14, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    I’m reminded of Carol Allen writing that all women fall into one of two categories.

    (I hope Carol doesn’t mind me cutting and pasting her words here)

    “All the women of the world fall into these two categories, and this has an ENORMOUS impact on whether or not you end up “Happily ever after” or “Happily NEVER after…”

    The first one is what I call, “The Banquet Babe.”

    “A Banquet Babe” believes that the world is full of good things and fabulous opportunities everywhere she turns.

    When it comes to men, a Banquet Babe knows that she can HOLD OUT for the kind of man she wants.

    She believes that there’s NO shortage of good men in the world who will love her. And so she doesn’t have to take anybody’s crumbs… She doesn’t have to “settle” for less than what she wants.

    If a man doesn’t want what she wants, then she doesn’t KNOCK HERSELF OUT and try to convince him of anything.

    Instead, she recognizes that he’s NOT her guy, and trusts that her guy is in her future.

    She’s excited to go find him, and easily lets go of any men that ARE NOT a fit with her vision. She keeps her heart open through life’s ups and downs and holds out for her dream of love, which she ultimately gets.

    The second kind of woman, on the other hand, is a “Soup Kitchen Girl.”

    “A Soup Kitchen Girl” does NOT believe in an abundance of good men. She thinks that there’s a very limited supply of love in the world, and so she acts as though she’s LUCKY to be eating a dry crust of bread with watery soup off of a cracked tray…

    I mean, at least it’s something – at least she won’t starve.

    If she turns down the dry crust of bread and watery soup she’ll go hungry and become weak.

    She may even get sick…

    Or die…


    What she doesn’t realize is that RIGHT OUTSIDE of the soup kitchen is a FANTASTIC BANQUET full of all sorts of steaming trays laden with all of her favorite foods.

    But she’s so tired from standing in line and waiting in the cold for that cracked tray that she’s missing all the fun.

    So she’ll date men she can’t have, and put up with what she shouldn’t put up with – a man’s poor treatment, lack of time, attention, affection, or worse – his abuse, his addictions, his other girlfriends, his wife, his chronic (or PERMANENT) “indecision” about what to do with her… ensuring that she NEVER gets what she wants.”

    Carol Allen

  96.  #96Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    # 85 Indigo.. Oh I feel so in sync reading your post to me. I feel a pull to chase my old habits and become negative and blamey, but I promised myself a new life, a new journey, a new shift.

    I feel an open heart to all the POFers and daters that I come into contact with. I feel a huge magnet attached to my inner being and it attracts those men, friends, contacts, who are aligned with my purpose for growth, love, understanding, adventure. And I feel a letting go of blame or accusations when someone just accidentally got struck by the beam, but really is on his own track.

    Each phone call, message, text, date, conversation, thought, is a journey all it’s own. I feel excited to open up each interaction as it plays out and explore as much about me and as much about the other person and as much about The Universe as I can and then, to let it go, back to the hazy past, because I know another one is coming right around the corner.

  97.  #97April Rose on May 14, 2014 at 2:19 pm


    If it was me, I would want my brolly back 🙂 Can you ask for it?

  98.  #98Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Liquid Light… I feel excited and so positive about your phone call Friday night. I feel happy for you and proud of you that you turned down the contract that you absolutely knew would not fulfill your ultimate happiness. Hooray!! Sirene!! In work and play. : )

    And Tereana.. oooohhhh I just envision this lovely living space for you, comfortable and easy and I see you there with a smile of accomplishment on your face.

    Kyla.. I feel so deeply about your work situation. I so understand. When I was going through my career transition I read a lot of Carolyn Myss. She was just an excellent guide into the realms of transition for me.

  99.  #99Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Azure Blu*** I just feel so blessed, so wonderfully blessed by your responses to every sirene on the blog. I feel so amazed by your wisdom, passion, humility, and joy. I feel so touched and hugged and cared for when you turn your attention on me for a short while, but I’m also just extremely amazed by your words to other women and how they always seem to fit with me as well. You are just simply a true inspiration to me. I just feel you smiling at us.

    Feel so sappy this afternoon. : ) And gushy gooey lovely.

  100.  #100CurvySiren10 on May 14, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Indigo~ #85. Brilliant and extremely insightful post. I firmly believe until we take on that curiosity mindset we will always be disappointed and have a bit of a chip on our shoulders while looking for everything to be ‘just right’. Giving people a chance to just be who they are will ultimately provide the answers we need. But it really does take a bit of time and open-mindedness to find out how we truly feel in someone’s presence without having to worry about a checklist of ‘doing’ things right/wrong.

  101.  #101Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    # 96.. April Rose.. I dont know if I care enough about the umbrella. But, do you ladies call or contact a person after a first meeting to say thank you for the great time and for treating me?? Honestly, that thought just occured to me. I guess I figured he would be contacting ME to say “thank you.” And at that point I would guess he would have discovered my poor umbrella.

  102.  #102Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Thanks Andrea 97 so much! I really appreciate your well wishes! This is just the first step towards achieving my bigger vision. This is actually a stepping stone that will get me closer (i.e.. buy me time) while I wait for a position to open up at the company where I ultimately want to work.

    What’s cool is that once this desire hit me with such clarity and intensity, all these interesting “coincidences” started to unfold. People who work at the company have appeared in different ways. One woman whom I don’t even know (we just connected recently on LinkedIn) said she just put in a good word for me!! Just so blown away by that! So so nice of her!!!

  103.  #103Dominique on May 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Millie – You did nothing wrong here. It’s his job to take care of you, make plans to see you later, chase YOU down. Not the other way around.

    Now I would love for you to stop making it about him and how he felt/feels, what he was thinking/thinks, and focus on how YOU feel, floored, flabbergasted, maybe even insulted. You have nothing to make up to him, nothing. From what you say here, it sounds like he was having a childish tantrum. Is this what you want in a man? Likely not.


  104.  #104Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    AR 94, thanks for posting that. I definitely think I am a banquet type of a gal. Dating has been really hard and frustrating, and I just keep meeting men that don’t really do it for me at all, but in the back of my mind, I feel that I will meet someone fun, exciting, and attractive who will be a good fit for me! On some gut level, I know its all part of the process and its about being clear about what I want (and don’t want!)

  105.  #105Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Andrea, I feel that he was kind of rude to you so if it were me, I’d put him “on probation” until the time that he proves to you he is worthy of your time and attention. To me that would mean that I wouldn’t reach out to him in any way. Just my 2 cents.

  106.  #106Femininewoman on May 14, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    Millie I totally agree with Dominique. He acted like another child took his favorite. You are not his possession and trust me, don’t want to be either. For all we know he is the kind of man who wants a woman to pleasure him just because he does what a man is supposed to do anyway. Those are all his issues.

    Why would you want to be exclusive with a man who hasn’t even asked you out on a formal date?
    Why would you shut down your “available” vibe for a man who isn’t even really available?
    What is this man reflecting back to why?
    Why are you so quick to apologize?
    How do you respond to criticisms?
    Are you the type who seek other people’s approval?

  107.  #107Femininewoman on May 14, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Andrea I say thank you at the end of the night. If you forgot to then you have learned something about yourself that you can be aware of for the next date.

    Personally I’d call and ask for my umbrella if I really wanted it. Though that is a strategy some women use to either get the guy to call them again or an excuse for them to call the guy. If all you want is your umbrella back then I say why not call. If it is not worth all the psychic energy to figure out what to say and to protect yourself from being misunderstood then it might be worthwhile just letting it go.

  108.  #108Femininewoman on May 14, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Millie I meant to say “his favorite doll”

  109.  #109Valarie O'Ryan on May 14, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Millie, I 100% agree with Dominique & FW here.

    I just want to add that you seem like such a gentle siren – so caring & thoughtful of others. Please don’t get down on yourself or let this man make you feel bad.

    You truly did nothing at all wrong. In fact, you nailed Goddess energy. You leaned back, you received from men. It’s too bad band guy doesn’t seem to be in “masculine mode.” That’s something he’ll have to figure out.

    Here’s a tip about communicating when a man does something like that- stick with how you feel & not explain or justify.

    “Oh, I feel a little strange. It feels good to accept a dance & sometimes a drink from a gentleman. It would’ve felt nice to talk with you more.”

    And don’t get pulled into being defensive or explain-y. I seemed to always go that way! Thank goodness for feeling messages

    Say the same thing over again if you need to & if he persists, simply say, “This feels bad & I’m going to go take care of me now.” And you leave it. You tuck it away as a man weeding himself out & making way for a better man.

    You did great & there are far, far better men lining up to treat you like a Goddess 🙂

    Xoxo, ~Valarie

  110.  #110Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Liquid Light – Good luck honey!

    Millie – Not your fault, they are all his own issues and insecurities showing up. Don’t take his stuff on board. He just let you know he’s not the one for you. Mentally thank him and move on.

    Andrea – I never contact after a date. If he wants to see me again he will let me know. Your time and company was thanks enough 🙂

    April Rose – Thanks for sharing. That resonates with me so much.

  111.  #111Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Millie, yeah, I agree with everyone else: you didn’t anything wrong!! Go off and be your sireny goddess goodness and forget about band guy – it just seems like he’s got issues.

  112.  #112Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Andrea, do you have a book you would recommend? I haven’t read any of her stuff before but looks interesting 🙂

  113.  #113Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    maybe this is Zara’s post seeping in but this weird thing just happened.

    went to send a message to someone on linked in who works at my target co. We used to work together but didn’t really know each other very well. Was feeling reluctant to contact him because of not really knowing how he would respond. We never had anything bad happen between us but nothing particularly good either. I was always kinda blah about him, he just didn’t seem that interesting to me.

    But then a funny thing happened, I was looking at his photo and it struck me what a kind hearted soul he is. I mean it was so odd but he suddenly struck me that way and I had a feeling of kindness and love just flood over me. So so weird!!! And its not romantic, he’s married and I was never interested in him but it was like I was struck by his essence when I was looking at his photo and all the feelings of doubt and fear about him just disappeared! Really bizarre!!! WOW!!!

  114.  #114Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Thanks Kyla!!! 🙂

  115.  #115Maria on May 14, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Hello Rory,

    I have a friend that wants to have only sex with me but says that when he find someone or I find someone to make a real romantic relationship will discontinue our intimacy. We do not start any sex relationship at this point because I am afraid to fell in love with him. He already set the boundaries about our friendship as I stated above. What is your advice for me, please.
    Would I start this “situation” or waith for someone that can be more commited with me?
    Thank you and God bless you

  116.  #116Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Wonderful advice from all of you ladies. I feel so icky and turned off when I even consider making another move in the direction of contacting him for anything. I feel open hearted about myself in general and about men I’m meeting and activities I’m invited to tomorrow and Friday.
    So, that umbrella is a thing of the past. : )

    I just flipped over to POF and there are about five new messages in my inbox from new men. I feel excited to answer them… probably tomorrow. One man asked for my phone number after three messages back and forth. I’ll wait until the weekend to give it to him but I feel really good that he is pursuing me.

    (My daughter reached out to me at dinner tonight and asked, “Mom, did you feel down about anything through out the day?”
    I told her a few things.. my ups and my downs. And then asked her, “Why do you ask?”
    She said, “Oh I just want to touch base. I want to make sure you’re happy when we are at school.” )

    Small miracles. She’s 13. I just really feel an abundance of love and wonder coming my way. I feel happy and at peace.

    I really like all the responses to Millie. I can use all that advice as well. I love the questions posed by Feminine Woman. Millie… oh you’re such a beautiful, soft, wonderful soul. What amazing lessons you’re allowing yourself to have.

  117.  #117Andrea on May 14, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    Oh.. I meant I feel icky when I consider making ANY move to contact him. I haven’t attempted anything and did thank him at the end of our date. And I love the idea that my time and attention to him was actually thanks enough.

    Kyla: I read Anatomy of the Spirit, and Why People Don’t Heal And How They Can. What struck me was the topic of our healing and helping angels, guides, and spirits.
    Carolynn wrote that we ask our angels for help, we say we want this to happen and that to change and this to be better and that to come into our lives and this to go out of our lives…. but then we say… Oh, but don’t make me take any risks, and don’t change any of the good stuff that’s in my life already, and I want to always feel safe…
    So the angels say, “Okay, it will take about twenty years.. or a lifetime.. for you to be to the point where you can accept ALL that WE have in store for you.”
    Then she wrote about how the quickest way to complete happiness is the point between what we are willing to let go of and how much we are able to trust.
    I have a seminar that she gave with Dr. Wayne Dyer on disk and I listened to it over and over again back when my life was just in complete upheaval. I felt inner peace while my old outer world was crashing down around me.
    My life is just so so much better now. It took a good three years of outer turmoil and a lot of fear and questioning my future, but there was this deep inner knowing that I was giving up everything in my past in order to grasp my dream for my future. When I look back, it actually happened very quickly. Three years was nothing compared to the rest of my life.

  118.  #118RileyTheOwl on May 14, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Ohh I feel soo much happiness and excitement through your post, that sounds truely wonderful!!! Woah, life really has a way of surprising you and taking you through ups and downs like this… The place you described sounds so lovely and fantastic, it made me feel eager to move out of my parents home… Hahah. I wish the best for you and this change, and I’m so happy that things are turning around for you 🙂 xoxo

  119.  #119Helena Hart on May 14, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Maria – 114 – If all you want is a “boy toy” then you could go for it, but if you have any feelings for this man at all beyond a “friends with benefits” situation, I definitely would NOT sleep with him. He’s made it clear that all he wants from you is sex.

    You won’t get “upgraded” to a romantic relationship with him if you start out as a casual sex buddy, it doesn’t work that way with men.

    If what you want is a real, committed relationship, I’d hold out for someone who wants that with you – someone who wants to give you all the love, affection, attention, and commitment you deserve!

    Love, Helena

  120.  #120Kyla on May 14, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Thank you Andrea. You have reminded me that every transition I have undertaken has started with me not really knowing where I was going but trusting it would be ok. Its gotten me this far so I have no real reason to doubt it will keep showering me with wonder. My job IS wonderful, the company I work for is the most prestigious in this line of work, the pay is fabulous and the hours are perfect for my family.. I’ve just outgrown wanting to be successful in the corporate world and having the paycheck to prove it. I feel ungrateful for being frustrated and disappointed with my work because I’m good at it and yet it doesn’t feed my soul. Its what I thought I wanted, it came to me so easily, it literally just fell miraculously right into my lap as a surprise without me looking for it or putting in any effort at all. Now I’m ready for something better and more heart centred and a fuller expression of me and I have this guilt that I should be content with my lot, settle for this gift and not be greedy for wanting a better gift. I know where my inner work is now, thank you. I’ll check out those books too 🙂

    Oh and Andrea, that moment you shared with your daughter was very beautiful and touching. I felt warmth enveloping me as I was reading it. You are a wonderful mother 🙂

  121.  #121luzydel on May 14, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Kinda thinking that I want to be happy now…so being happy single and enjoying myself. At 40 and with so many disappointments under me, I should just not concentrate in men anymore. I do not want to be bitter and sad; and the continual search for a man is causing that anger and frustration on me. Sirens, real sirens are solitary beings, who are strong and confident on their own. I do not want to labor anything I have from a man from now on. If it last just a coffee date, or a few months or a year.

    I am not going to pressure myself into knowing what it is that I have with any particular man. I cannot longer live like that, with the need to know where I am going with any particular relationship. Maybe those rules and limitations are holding me from really experiencing enjoyment.

  122.  #122Emerson on May 14, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    71 azure blue
    I like what you wrote to me here ….I feel heard and understood <3

  123.  #123Emerson on May 14, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    120 luzydel
    I have had similar thoughts and feelings…
    It feels cumbersome to be searching for a man…
    I feel I’ve been doing that and I feel tired and frustrated …

    I just really miss the feeling of a relationship. Lately I’ve been missing my boyfriend from 20 years ago my first love…
    It’s strange how time sort of stands still when you return to a place with lots of memories…
    I recently moved back to a town where I spent alot of time with him! I feel his ghost with me on every corner it’s annoying!

  124.  #124Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Andrea #98
    Ohhh… my you have made me blush and feel so good!!!

    A warm southern breeze of acceptance and being included by you…
    I have also learned and grown
    sooo much from YOUR posts…
    ((hugs))) and kisses!!
    I am opening my heart to receive your gentle,
    soft words and feelings.
    thank you…

  125.  #125Azure Blu on May 14, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    PS Andrea…
    How simply adorable and loving of your daughter to be worried about your happiness while she’s away from you!!! Great job Mom!!! :->

  126.  #126Liquid Light on May 14, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    I feel like my life is becoming very messy/exciting…

    Got a message from my ex-colleague wanting to have lunch. Her colleague, the man I interviewed with yesterday, wants to connect on linked in and see that he’s been viewing my portfolio/resume online. Yuck, I dropped the whole thing by turning down the contract and it doesn’t want to die. I really don’t want to reconnect with her.

    Then I went to a singles mixer tonight. What a crazy night. I was on the high end of the age spectrum (30-50) and I just turned 49 so was already feeling weird about that. Then I got my period today so ended up wearing something really frumpy. Not really up for it the whole thing at all…

    I ended up meeting a woman, 42, whom I liked. Beautiful slender blond. There’s was a younger man I had met previsouly (late 30s) that I really liked but when I found out how old he was and that he wanted to have kids, I totally forgot about him. He was there and I told my new friend about him and that he was a great guy (nice smart lawyer) and that she should connect with him. Well she marched up to him and barged in on a conversation he was having. I guess the whole thing didn’t go that well and he excused himself and went to the restroom. Sigh. I wish she had known about RR.

    I met a man towards the very end of the night. Attractive, smart, professional and more age appropriate. He and I chatted and then he wanted to go someplace else for a drink. We ended up at the same place I had been out on a date with the architect (posted about him previously) and ended sitting in the same spot, and he ended being all over me just like the architect…so weird!!!

    He wants to have dinner on Friday and wants me to park in his garage in his high-rise. And then we’ll walk to a nearby restaurant. I know what that means and am feeling uncomfortable with it.

    What should I do? Any advice ladies? Part of me wants to blow the whole thing off because he’s so aggressive, but part of me likes him, and part of me is enjoying the attraction (though I really don’t want it to go anywhere right now…too much too soon.)


  127.  #127Waterfall on May 15, 2014 at 12:36 am


    I’m just going to riff, please ignore me…

    I feel like a pushover at work. I got spoken to in a very disrespectful manner and there is NOTHING I can do about this? Why am I the girl that is ALWAYS picked on? Why can’t I do anything to STOP this? Why am I not liked??? I feel like shit – and that no-one understands…

    There is NO process at work and when I bring this up I get glared at like I am asking for the moon. People just think that they will demand that I do something and that I should just jump, even if I know its NOT the correct thing to do – and I will explain to them that its not the correct thing to do… Its a nightmare! Then I end up like looking like the bad guy for saying no, even though I know I am right… I just don’t know what to do. I just wish I was listened too…

  128.  #128IamAGodess on May 15, 2014 at 12:40 am


    I’m just going to riff, please ignore me…

    I feel like a pushover at work. I got spoken to in a very disrespectful manner and there is NOTHING I can do about this? Why am I the girl that is ALWAYS picked on? Why can’t I do anything to STOP this? Why am I not liked??? I feel like shit – and that no-one understands…

    There is NO process at work and when I bring this up I get glared at like I am asking for the moon. People just think that they will demand that I do something and that I should just jump, even if I know its NOT the correct thing to do – and I will explain to them that its not the correct thing to do… Its a nightmare! Then I end up like looking like the bad guy for saying no, even though I know I am right… I just don’t know what to do. I just wish I was listened too…

  129.  #129IamAGodess on May 15, 2014 at 12:49 am

    Ick, I will love on myself and try to sink into my feelings… I feel stressed and humiliated… I will try to sink into these feelings…

    I feel so fearful and scared… Why?? My headaches… I am immobilised with fear and worry… I feel stressed… Sink into these feelings… Sink into these feelings…

    Argh.. My head hurts… How do I change this???

    Stress from worry and over obsessing!

    I will love and nurture all my stress. I will forgive myself for feeling like a failure, for not knowing where I am going wrong?? I wish I knew though…

    I love my fear and insecurity. I will hold it and comfort it…

    I am doing my best. I feel trapped in my own vicious circle of self thought.

    I feel like two people at work talk to me in a really rude, unfeeling manner like I am bottom of the pile? What does this say about me?

    I know it is to do with them but it still upsets me. What can I do?? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong..???


    I feel drained and tired of not being able to work this out.. Why can’t I?? Whats wrong with me that people don’t like me?? What am I doing wrong??

  130.  #130Waterfall on May 15, 2014 at 1:13 am

    Liquid Light

    I would feel very similar to you about this. I can see you are excited about being asked out on a date with this guy but don’t want to drive to his home.

    I’m sure other sirens would have better advice than me.

    Hmmm.. What would I do?

    About a year ago I think that I would have thrown caution to the wind and gone along with it.

    Now, I probably would make an excuse and not go and hope that he would step up and make a better arrangement next time.

    I’m not sure if that helps!

  131.  #131Waterfall on May 15, 2014 at 1:17 am

    So my relationship with D is back on. However I am insisting on taking it slow and seeing where it is going and what he is “really” offering me…

  132.  #132Waterfall on May 15, 2014 at 1:19 am

    … Also I really appreciate the advice the other day. It made me think! It was like a lightbulb going on above my head. I just couldn’t see that I was accepting this bad behaviour. I think I will still find it hard and I am taking baby steps…

  133.  #133Waterfall on May 15, 2014 at 4:18 am

    … So I am taking it slow with D.

    Last night we had a conversation on the phone..

    Well, firstly he annoyed me by texting me saying ‘Shall I call you’ – for some reason this grated on me, it was like he was putting the ball in my court as it were.

    I replied back equally as casual ‘Yeah’ – not sure if it was the right thing to do or not but it felt right at the time.

    We then proceeded to have a telephone conversation and for some reason I was just not feeling it. For all the promises he’d made me about changing everything felt mysteriously the same..

    When I was talking about my day, as I’d had a particularly bad day at work he was totally uninterested and kept saying he didn’t know what to say. It was just like he wanted to talk about himself. I felt hurt.. Although I was aware that I was off loading onto him – and my thoughts are he just wanted to steer me off the conversation as I probably sounded very stressed and upset.

    But I wanted him to know we are still taking it easy and that I’m expecting to see some changes in him. But honestly he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. It was such a strange conversation and it left me feeling very, very sad and confused.

    He then had a go at me for ‘beating him up over the telephone and that I shouldn’t do that’.

    I just couldn’t tell him that everything us okay between us. I told him he needs to step up because I only want a healthy respectful relationship. And I also say that I’m not going to drive the relationship anymore and that he has to do that.

    He then said that if he commits to me then I am the first girl he’s ever committed too. I felt like yelling down the phone at him , it made me so angry like he was doing me a huge favour or something.

    He is coming to a concert with me this weekend. I invited him – and again he told me that this is a big thing for him to do this sort of thing.

    I am at my wits end with him. He can’t be that stupid that he doesn’t know how to have a girlfriend at all. It certainly seems that way to me..

    He is in his 40’s and he has never really dated anybody. This is scary stuff for me because sometimes I feel like be uses it as an excuse not to act correctly – even though deep down he does know right from wrong.

    Seriously sirens – I cannot see the wood for the trees…

    I told him we should take it slowly and see if we are right for each other. And that I need to be treated correctly. He told me to be patient with him. I said as a joke I’ll be waiting till I’m 60 and he just laughed. – that did not fill me with confidence.

    Anyway, I told him the ball is in his court I am not going to try anymore. He needs to step up..

    Yet why am I feeling so bad about myself today?

  134.  #134Mercedes on May 15, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Thank you ladies! I am enjoying my vacation very, very much and today, I get to spend the day with our very own LOVELY Miss Dominique! 🙂 YAY!! Super excited!!

    Much Love,

  135.  #135April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Ooh, LL

    You get to practice being the queen!
    Can you tell him how great it would feel to be picked up and driven somewhere on a date?

    Only then, if he complains (which he won’t, he should be more than willing to pick you up), can you say “Thank you for inviting me, but I don’t drive to meet men”.

  136.  #136April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Or “I feel my excitement for the date diminishing if I’m being asked to drive”. “It feels wonderful to be the lady here. Call me old -fashioned; I just love being treated as a lady”.

  137.  #137Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 7:53 am

    1) Men do not expect sex from women.

    The only thing he’s expecting in return is your appreciation for whatever he produces for you on the date. Period.


  138.  #138Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 7:56 am

    I feel his ghost with me on every corner it’s annoying!

    Emerson maybe this could be your body suggesting that you can open up some more and activate your “available” vibe??!! Maybe consciouslt cut some soul ties??? Or maybe look at that relationship again to see what worked, what didn’t?? Maybe how you were being to upgrade yourself??

  139.  #139Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 9:02 am

    What about being so aggressive physically? I mean he was trying to make out with me on the couch that we were sitting on in the lounge and I had just met him that night. I also don’t like it when men are that public about stuff like that, kissing a bit is fine but making out in public is not. It really made me uncomfortable and I kept inching away from him.

  140.  #140Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 9:09 am

    LL do you believe you were communicating your boundaries well enough while “inching away”?

  141.  #141Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 9:51 am

    FW, I think so because I would also pull away quickly after he went in to kiss me, which happened frequently!

  142.  #142Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 9:58 am

    Liquid Light are you suggesting that you said nothing to let him know how uncomfortable you felt with his advances?

  143.  #143Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 10:00 am

    When we were walking to my car, I stepped down on a hole in the pavement and my ankle twisted. I let out a little yelp and stopped in my tracks. He immediately was concerned and got down on his knee and asked me where it hurt and started massaging my ankle in the middle of the sidewalk. It was so sweet and it really helped! I noticed that a lot of men walking down the street noticed this too. I felt taken care of and goddessy! 🙂

  144.  #144Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 10:01 am

    FW that’s right 🙁

  145.  #145Andrea on May 15, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Hooray!! Feminine Woman # 129 I went to that link and I like and agree with every word!
    Darn, it triggers triggers triggers… I feel so very sad and hurt and actually crying tears for my former self who had all these awkward feelings associated with money and love and independence and who acted out in so many painful ways. I feel so very sad for the experiences I allowed my former self to go through because of this issue.

    OOOooohhh.. hug me, love me, shower me with grace and understanding, Oh Andrea, let these feelings flow now and I promise you, the wisdom you are gathering now is changing you, strengthening you, and creating firm foundational grounding. The practice you are getting now is only helping you along on quickly on this journey. The stuff your former self went through no longer needs to play itself out, the pattern is broken, you are safe, you are safe, you are safe.

    I came out of the shower after a good work out this morning with this question playing loudly in my head: What if you were courageous enough to allow yourself to fully love yourself? How would your life be different? I gazed in the mirror and pondered.

  146.  #146Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 10:06 am

    LL I personally believe I would have let him know that I feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable having just met to be making out on the couch. Also that I don’t make out with guys until we have had some time to connect and I feel safe. Only then can I really get to see if this person is a boundary pusher.

    You see I believe that men feel our vibe. If he is a decent man and feels in your vibe that you are not ready for that type of thing I believe a guy will stop.

  147.  #147Indigo on May 15, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Andrea 95,

    Yay, I’m so glad you felt resonant with what I said.


  148.  #148Indigo on May 15, 2014 at 10:16 am

    CurvySiren 99,

    Hi, and thank you 🙂 I actually felt a little inspired when I wrote it. I’ve realized recently that I’ve had a tendency to view other people in relation to me as if they’re always responding to me, and it makes me sometimes feel hurt or slighted etc… when in reality they are just being themselves and doing what they can handle. Wouldn’t it be great if I could have the graciousness to allow them to be themselves and unfold. I agree with you about curiosity… so much more productive in every way than judgment.


  149.  #149Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 10:19 am


    What if you were courageous enough to allow yourself to fully love yourself? How would your life be different? I

  150.  #150Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 10:22 am

    FW, actually thinking back on it, I did mention something about not feeling comfortable and that I just met him…still he persisted so just makes me wonder if he’s too aggressive for me.

  151.  #151Indigo on May 15, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Millie 87,

    You did great! (except for all the apologizing)

    I see so much of how I used to be, and still am at times, in you, thinking that if another person feels a particular way that I needed to make it better somehow. As if they must be responding to something I did “wrong”. His feelings are his to take care of. Please watch out for that overactive guilt thyroid! You did great on Saturday night!

  152.  #152Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 10:33 am

    LL I would make a note of it and what I said as this issue might come up again with another new date. Maybe switch up the script a little including choosing another seat??!!

  153.  #153Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 10:49 am

    At least this guy wants to take me out to dinner. When this happened with the architect (same lounge, same couch!), he was really cheap and took me out for “dinner” but then just ordered a salad! And the next time he asked me out, was to come over to his house for dinner and a movie. Bleh!!!

  154.  #154Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 10:49 am

    FW #129
    Thank you … such a great read!! VERY helpful

  155.  #155MovingMagic on May 15, 2014 at 11:12 am

    *Mercedes* If you’re in Nyc for the weekend try to make it to the Nyc Dance Parade on Saturday!! It’s so amazing!
    I’ll be dancing Samba in it. 😉 ♡♥

  156.  #156Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Andrea #137 & FW #129
    Yessss… I remember (pre RR) I would always get this tight feeling all over before and when the check came… (still do sometimes)
    I would be having an internal dialogue
    Me: I should offer to pay half – high anxiety~
    Me: I should pay the whole thing- high anxiety~
    Me: If he pays I should let him kiss me – even if I don’t want to – Ugh!!

    Since then I have realized – with RR tools…
    my date really DOES enjoy paying the bill
    After a 3-4 dates with one guy – if he has paid
    He does like it if I at least offer to pay for the movie or popcorn or a round of drinks…
    And I am much more relaxed, being present and feeling goddessy during our date.
    WHY is this?
    I now believe that I AM WORTHY of kind, generous, thoughtful gestures from a man.
    Ohhhh Azure B. I feel soooo happy to read this about YOU…
    YOU have come sooo far! Sooo fast!!!
    PLEASE relax and let your life unfold softly, gently
    PLEASE relax and let your life unfold softly, gently
    GENTLE like apple blossoms falling unhurried
    on the warm grass
    after a lite spring rain…
    This I want for you Azure Blu!!!

  157.  #157Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Liquid L
    I DO love enthusiasm… ;->
    But a perfect opportunity to Practice sharing what you DO like and Your boundaries!!

  158.  #158Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 11:37 am

    hahaha!!! Azure, I was enthusiastic about architect until it became clear that he didn’t want to date me, he just wanted to bed me!

    Another guy asked me out from last night but he has a used car salesman vibe about him.

  159.  #159Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Liquid L!!
    Yes, I have those kind of issues with the enthusiastic…

    Sometimes I just continue the dating cause I LIKE (and am in need of) their kisses (I’m pretty good at keeping the other advances in check)…
    And then if it is obvious (as in your architect)
    That nothing else is going to happen – relationship wise
    I’m like you,
    I kindly bow out and move on…
    We ARE the PRIZE!!! :-}}

  160.  #160Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 11:58 am

    yeah, we are texting and he keeps talking about kissing…so I dunno, maybe he’s another one who just wants to get laid!

    Azure, any tips for keeping their advances in check?

  161.  #161Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Liquid L
    Yeah… I usually share my sexual boundaries in the first or second date orrr texts that continue in a sexual direction…
    “I feel happy hearing about your enthusiasm
    but I feel careful about getting sexually close too soon.
    for me i need an emotional closeness before having sex.”

    Most of time I just say “I love sex… but I am a girl
    and need emotional closeness
    before I do have sex”
    Sometimes this may take quite awhile…
    I certainly understand
    if that won’t work for you.”
    I’ve never had anyone walk away
    (but sometimes I’ll date this kind
    a few more times
    and it is VERY clear they are
    NOT relationship material) :-0

  162.  #162Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    PS… Now of course most of the time I say this
    when we’re hugging and kissing
    and I whisper sweetly and gently in his ear…
    Which makes the whole conversation VERY intimate and sexy!! :-}

  163.  #163Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Wow, Azure, thanks! I have never thought of saying anything like that before. That seems awesome but feels so foreign to me…OK I really need to wrap my head around that and see if I could get more comfortable with it…Thanks so much for the feedback! WOWWW!!!! You blew my mind! 🙂

  164.  #164Andrea on May 15, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Here’s something that happened to me recently and I felt so hurt by it and confused that I wanted to shove it past me and just forget about it.
    I have a male best friend. He really is my male best friend. He started out wanting to date me, but I am not interested in a sexual relationship with him. And so, romance is not an option. As a matter of fact, when I first met him I thought he was gay. When I introduced him to my mom she said, “Andrea, you know, I think it’s so great that you have a gay best friend.”
    But, he says he isn’t gay. Okay. We have had a few talks about the fact that I’m not romantically interested in him. He keeps calling me. He makes plans for us. He takes me out all the time. He pays for everything.. (mainly because, the places he plans are places I just can’t afford. He says, “What do you think I’m here for?”)
    He drives. He is really great.

    Well, it was a month ago now. He, some girlfriends of mine, and I were out at a live music venue. He was buying me drinks. He was having a blast. I was having a blast.
    I went into the bathroom and one of the bartenders at that venue (a mutual “friend” of both of ours) cornered me in the bathroom.
    She said, “You know. A bunch of us think you are leading (C) on.”
    I said, “Excuse me?”
    She: “Well, he always buys your drinks. Are you guys having sex? Are you guys together even?”
    Me: “No! I don’t want to have sex with him.”
    She: “Yeah, you are leading him on. A bunch of us just think that’s really wrong. Have you been honest with him?”
    Me: taken aback… “y…yes??!!” huh??

    I look back on that conversation and there are so many things I wish would have come to my mind to say. But I just stammered. Then told all my friends that I wanted to go. C, of course, drove me away. I told him everything. He was pretty angry as well.

    But after that, I have been turning him down. He calls almost every other day wanting to do something with me. He tells me he’s lonely, that I’m the only one who let him feel free to just be himself, that he wants to just hang out with me, that he isn’t interested in a relationship with me, that he understands that I can’t afford the places he likes to hang out at, that he is wealthy and he doesn’t have anyone else to spend money on, that he likes making me happy.

    But for this past month, all I could hear were the words of that woman in the bathroom. “If he’s buying your drinks and you’re not having sex with him, then you must be leading him on.”

    That really hurts. I want to get past that. He wants me to get past that. But I don’t know how.

    Anyway… argh… these things that come up…
    He and I just had lunch today and he lunged for the bill. He said, “Don’t even think about it!”
    And all that after I had told him all about my date on Monday night and my profile on Plenty of Fish. He’s so eager to hear all about my dating and he’s very supportive. He just wants to be my friend again.

  165.  #165Andrea on May 15, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Ps.. : ) Azure… yeah.. I feel like .. breathe a breath of fresh air and relax.
    I really really like what you wrote to LL.
    Yes, mind blown as well. Yes, really, I’m a girl and yes, I’m sensual and sexual, but I need emotional closeness and trust before I can feel authentically turned on. I love it. Yes, it may take some time. I’m patient. : )

  166.  #166Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Andrea #157
    Yes…YES!! this sounds a little more gentle
    ” Yes, it may take some time. I’m patient.”

  167.  #167Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Andrea 156, wow, your story really got to me, it made me sad, angry, furious even. She is not your friend! When she says “a bunch of us”, its really only her that she’s talking about. She sounds like she’s a jealous manipulative B**** with a capital B. I would completely ignore what she said, put her into the non-friend category and go ahead and enjoy your friendship with C. In fact, the next time you’re out with him and you run across her, just give her a huge big smile and then don’t give her another thought. What a B! I absolutely hate women like t hat…huge hot button for me because I women like these, who don’t have your best interest at heart, and who are petty and jealous are a continual theme in my life. When I get a whiff of that from any woman (happened again last night), I don’t waste anymore time on her….GRRRRRR I’m a bit worked up now!!!!

  168.  #168Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Andrea…in YOUR words…” What if you were courageous enough to allow yourself to fully love yourself? How would your life be different? I gazed in the mirror and pondered.”

    What are the triggers these friends brought for you?

    What a VERY kind hearted soul your friend is…
    To have someone in your life who supports YOU and appreciates YOU for All of YOU!!!

    ARE YOU worthy of this my darling siren?

    Don’t let those so-called “friends” be your NV…
    You’ll have an opportunity to explain more to them again… If you want to…

  169.  #169Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Liquid L #155 & Andrea #157
    Geee… Thank you .. I’m blushing!! ;-}

    I feel it actually let’s the man off the hook…
    I’m thinkin’ sometimes they feel pressure form the media etc.
    to act like they want sex right away…

    Truly quite a few have said
    they agree with wanting to wait!!!

  170.  #170Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    Yikes Azure, I’m really going to have to practice that script. I feel shaky just thinking about it. Good news is that I will have a limited window tomorrow evening with him and no transportation of my own so I will need to be like Cinderalla and get back on my pumpkin to go home at a certain time.

  171.  #171Liquid Light on May 15, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Do you ever get the feeling that you are being watched like a hawk, your every move and reaction being tracked when you are out with a man? That’s the feeling I had last night, and I remember feeling like that with my ex. It’s like they are watching your every move, especially every reaction to see the REAL YOU. Its so interesting. I think thats why the RR way is so powerful because they will sense inauthenticity a mile away so if you are always grounded in your feelings, then that won’t be an issue. Tough to do at times, esp with men, but so so powerful!!!

  172.  #172April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Thank you for this question:

    “What if you were courageous enough to allow yourself to fully love yourself? How would your life be different? ”

    If I was courageous enough to fully love myself I would be acting on my deepest knowings. I would be allowing my boy energy to build a framework in which my girl energy can create and receive abundance.

    If I was courageous enough to fully love myself I would step out of my imaginary relationship and see the abundance of beautiful-hearted masculine gentlemen that exist on our wonder-filled planet.

    If I was courageous enough to love myself I would be holding out for “the very best candidate for my unbelievably lovable, worthy, exceptional heart.”

  173.  #173April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    Dear WM

    I’m an old-fashioned girl, yearning for a traditional relationship. I want to be cherished by a gentleman.

    I don’t want to be yelled at to “get your hands dirty and do something yourself” when I mention overdue plumbing jobs (i.e. replacing the cracked sink and ancient stained toilet in the bathroom).

    I feel sad and swirly heavy in my tummy. When what I want is to feel light and free and understood as the woman I am. I am not a bloke in a dress. I don’t want to be your equal when it comes to roles.

  174.  #174April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Dear WM

    I’m an old-fashioned girl, yearning for a traditional relationship. I want to be cherished by a gentleman.

    I don’t want to be yelled at to “get your hands dirty and do something yourself” when I mention overdue renovation jobs (i.e. replacing the cracked sink and ancient stained toilet in the bathroom).

    I feel sad and swirly heavy in my tummy. When what I want is to feel light and free and understood as the woman I am. I am not a bloke in a dress. I don’t want to be your equal when it comes to roles.

    I want to feel able to relax, knowing that you have those man-jobs sorted. I want to feel that you love to do those jobs for me, your woman. I want to glow with warmth knowing that I am cherished in that way.

  175.  #175April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    I don’t want to have that experience again.

    I don’t want to be ordered to get out of the car, and then when I stay sitting there to have the door slammed with great force.

    I can’t trust someone who behaves like that.

    I know I am capable of behaving like that, in anger.

    I feel a tremor in my heart.

  176.  #176April Rose on May 15, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Can I be warm with you?

    It felt so good when you came to me just now. Softer, warmer.

    You asked if we could forgive.

    I wanted to. I felt the warmth from your heart to mine and welcomed it.

    I asked what we were forgiving. You said “That we had a row”.

    I said it wasn’t a row. I had not argued or raised my voice.

    You became colder again. I felt sorry, and instantly wished for the warmth to return.

    I want to be warm towards you, forgive you, AND, never ever settle for someone less than totally deserving of my precious heart.

  177.  #177Veronica on May 15, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Azure Blu – I appreciate your presence and generosity here. I kept thinking ‘yes, exactly’ when I read what Andrea wrote to you, appreciating your effort.

    148 – When I let the man pay I can feel my being open up and my smile glows when I say thank you – my anxiety is definitely diminishing. I do offer to pay.

  178.  #178Veronica on May 15, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    LL – I also had an over-eager amorous date once – I pulled away when we were kissing in public and said ‘I don’t want other people to see us kissing – this is a private thing for me’ with a big gushy smile after which he promptly found a more private space. It was quite cute – on the second date he quickly sneaked in a quick kiss in a more public space, not to violate boundaries, just very in the moment, which I didn’t mind. Idk if that connects with your situation, I felt like sharing this with you.

  179.  #179Veronica on May 15, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Andrea – 157 – oh that is beautiful and soft and gorgeous.

  180.  #180PixyStix on May 15, 2014 at 5:00 pm


    Oh ewwww 🙁 That’s just a yuck experience. Think of it like…You were probably (in that moment) the outlet for all of her inner “muck”.

    I do hope you will feel your way through this and continue to enjoy your friendship with this man…

    Please do believe him when he says that it is something he needs.

    Who is that chick to revoke his power to choose anyways?


  181.  #181PixyStix on May 15, 2014 at 5:03 pm


    This is a grown up man we’re referring to…It is not her business to protect him, question his decisions, or undermine them in that way.

  182.  #182Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    Liquid L #164
    Mmmmm… all you can do is practice in your mind
    and if you feel courageous…
    go for it…
    DON’T put any pressure on you…
    just realizing this might be something you
    would like to do to be
    LOYAL to YOU
    To Stand up for YOU
    YOU will feel the Love YOU are giving
    by sharing YOUR TRUTH and
    boundaries with the man you are with…
    This was part of MY healing…
    ME giving ME the LOVE i sooo

    Thank you Azure B. for standing up for ME
    Alllll those times…
    NO ONE had ever stood up for ME
    AND YOU did that because
    YOU LOVE ME!!!

  183.  #183Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    April Rose #167
    I love what you are saying here…
    “AND, never ever settle for someone less than totally deserving of MY PRECIOUS HEART.”

  184.  #184Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Also AR #164
    “If I was courageous enough to fully love myself I would be acting on my deepest knowings.”

    “I would be allowing my boy energy to build a framework
    in which my girl energy
    can create and receive abundance.”
    Ohhh this is sooo lovely!!!

  185.  #185Azure Blu on May 15, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Sweet Siren… thank you!!
    I feel so humble and appreciated…

  186.  #186Rori Raye on May 15, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    life – Welcome, and the problem is not what you did or said – ANYONE would be concerned about his behavior – the issue is – Why are you investing so much energy pining after him now? If he isn’t “there” – he isn’t there, and that’s all that counts. Love, Rori

  187.  #187Rori Raye on May 15, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Waterfall – Welcome, and what you need are some SKILLS! You need communication skills – like Non-Violent Communication, my Feeling Messages, everything you can read out there that’s business-related. You can do this! Also – try one of my Certified Coaches – the Directory is over in the sidebar “Pages” list…and let them know you want to work on workplace issues – THAT will then slop over into your romantic life, and everything will get better. Love, Rori

  188.  #188Tereana on May 15, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Millie – I just wanted to chime in to say, what a crazy story! That man’s reaction definitely had nothing to do with you. He’s going through a divorce. He might have complicated feelings about women and not be aware of it. Maybe these issues are part of the reason for the divorce. Anyway, you did NOTHING wrong. Accepting the drink was simply the sireny thing to do. Your musician friend was on stage. If he wanted to send you a drink he probably could have. He could have done a lot of things. He didn’t and now he holds it against you that you didn’t do them either. That’s called not taking responsibility. I think he’s shown you who he is. Now you can move on without guilt : )

  189.  #189Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Waterfall do you have any of Rori’s materials?

    If you do, do you read or listen to them?

    Your comments about D suggests that you might not be practice the RR way.

  190.  #190Emerson on May 15, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Hi sirens
    I’m taking baby steps this week to start new habits!

  191.  #191Emerson on May 15, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    164 Andrea
    Who cares what that nosy girl said to you in the restroom. Sounds like a case of jealousy that you’re having more fun than her and guess what it’s none of her business!!!
    I feel angry reading what she said to you. Grrr!!!

  192.  #192Emerson on May 15, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Thank you FW for your comment to me about my ghosts on every corner lol…
    I feel open to your suggestions.

    First of all I need to take these guys off their pedestals…all of them!!! Past and present.

  193.  #193Emerson on May 15, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Well exoticcd says one thing and does another, and it really doesn’t affect me. *yawn*

  194.  #194Indigo on May 15, 2014 at 9:44 pm


    I agree with PixyStix about that “friend” of yours, it is his choice and I would be tempted to remind her that my friendship with him really is none of her business.

    I have a male friend like that who yes definitely likes me, but I have been firm in not leading him on and he is well aware that we are just friends, yet loves to treat me to extravagant places, because he can and because he enjoys my company.

    It’s really not for anyone to interfere with that, even though they think they have the right.

  195.  #195Indigo on May 15, 2014 at 9:50 pm


    It sounds to me a little like a classic case of an emotionally unavailable man, who just checks in every once in a while to see if you still have feelings for him.

    Think about it: would a man who wants to be with you behave this way? Yes you may have broken up with him once, but I am sure you had reasons. Take some time to meditate on those reasons, and most likely I think if you are honest with yourself, you will admit he is not the right guy for you, no matter how you feel about him.


  196.  #196Azure Blu on May 16, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Apple Rose #174-75
    I’m wondering…
    To me it sounds like this man is emotionally abusing you…
    Please… when he yells at you have you tried saying quietly…
    “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that”
    turning away from him
    and walking out of the room… leaving the house…

    Do you have the RR CD Toxic Men?
    It is what changed my life!!!
    I highly recommend it….

  197.  #197Iris on May 17, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Hi all,

    I am new to Rori’s programs…I purchased the complete collection and I’m loving it! It’s already been so helpful to me.

    I have a situation that I could use some help with. A guy that I was dating a few months ago (pre RR) has reached out to me. Our dating ended because he pulled away, though now I understand why. I was doing everything wrong…thinking about him all the time, trying to make him the one even though we’d only been dating a short time, panicking when I didn’t hear from him for a day or two, etc. Now I’m circular dating and feel much more confident in myself and my boundaries. No man is the center of my life and it feels great!

    He apologized for disappearing and asked if I’d be willing to give things another shot. I’d like to but I’m not quite sure what feeling messages to use. I let him know it felt good to hear from him, and to talk to him. But I also feel angry that he disappeared (I have not told him this). I’m not sure whether to share those angry feelings or not…I don’t want him to think I’m OK with him disappearing previously, but I don’t want to get into an argument about it either. Or is best to just let myself feel the anger but not share it with him? Any help would be appreciated. 🙂

  198.  #198Angel10308 on May 18, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Hello Rori,

    I am here again, seeking your guidance and wisdom. I first found your website over three years ago. I have a copy of your e-book (Have the Relationship You Want) and also bought your Sirens book, shortly after reading your book. I looked forward to getting your newsletters and almost had a panic attack when they come in later. Your words had really helped me find courage to literally survive on my my own. I do mean, “on my own,” as when my relationship ended, I was by myself. I am an immigrant and all my family are back in my home country and therefore did not have any means of emotional support. The break-up was so sudden and devastating that I had to quit my job and therefore had no income coming in. Bad times.

    I am writing to ask for your wisdom and help from others. I am now living with, up until recently, believed was the “perfect catch.” He is sweet, loving, loyal, and caring. We have our issues, but overall, it had been well. One of our greatest challenge is our finances. He has been working hard to get his online business to work for over two years now, so I am the only one bringing in the money at this time. It has been really hard. Suffice to say that there are days when we had to choose – “should we buy shampoo or milk and tofu so we can have something to eat till the next paycheck?”

    On top of that, I have my own family (Mom and siblings) I need to support back home. It has been really stressful for me. The only and most important consolation I get is that he loves me and that he is loyal to me.

    Recently, a “friend,” (a girl) who he had known and communicated with on and off for 10 years, bought him a ticket so he can visit her (while I am at work) at her home in another city. I got an email at work from my boyfriend asking me if it was “okay” to go — that he is leaving in the morning but will be back in the evening.

    This is what caused our big fight and has caused a huge break in our relationship:

    1. Though she is paying for the ticket, he still has to get himself to and from the bus station. With the little money I make, I tried to budget a little allowance ($40 for two weeks for each of us) so we have some pocket money. He was going to use the $40 to pay for the taxi. I told him that his “bestfriend” knows about our financial struggles why can she not cover the full expense if she really cares and wants him to visit her. This woman works as a psychotherapist and from what I understand makes a lot of money. She has recently bought herself a jeep and had a breast augmentation. NONE OF MY BUSINESS, I know, but the relevance, I hope to make clear later. We argued about it, but bottom line, I agreed and appreciated that he at least told me.

    2. That evening, things are a little better. That evening too, he is going out for beer with a couple of our friends. He wanted time to be without me and asked if he can go for beer by himself. I agreed. He has often accused me that I am keeping him in “prison,” and had taken away his freedom to see friends, so I agreed and willingly and sincerely supported this “time out.” I liked this couple and I think that they are good people, so I don’t mind at all. That evening, I had found the email exchange between him and his friend about this trip, that I was “supposedly” given the chance to have an opinion on. He asked me if he can go visit his friend at noon on Wednesday, the e-ticket was dated Tuesday at around 10:30 in the evening. Also, in the email, he and his bestfriend, talked about what they should tell me, so that I will agree to the trip. That HURT. I felt BETRAYED. Worse, in the email, my boyfriend said in his email, that it is better to notify me about this by email while I am at work, so I can do my “flipping” at work.

    He had told me that the visit was for him to see her place and so that she can also help him with his business. In their email, she said that she wants to do a yoga workshop with him.

    It HURT and I felt BETRAYED, ANGRY, APPALLED AND DISGUSTED WITH both of them. I never felt so DISRESPECTED in my life. The one thing I requested from him is that he tells me the truth. Is that too much to ask?

    I requested that if there are any problems with me, to not share it with his friends. They do not know what is going on in our lives 24/7. If he really needs to share and vent, my office has a service that provides counseling.

    Is this too much to ask?

    I had never ever shared our problems and my frustrations about our relationships to anyone out of respect for him. All I ask is he does the same. Is this too much to ask.

    I was so angry, I could not think straight. I told him that he had to make a choice, me or her. If he really wants to go, then we have break-up. I cannot take this anymore. I have my own problems with my family. My Mom is sick and I do not have the money to help her. He has requested that I do not share any of these problems as this causes him added stress. So any problems I have, I kept it to myself. I have agreed to his conditions as I wanted to support his desire to focus on the business.

    That evening, I gave him the option – I can call his friend or he can do it. He said that I do it and that he does not want to be a part of it.

    I was so angry when I made the call, I could not recall what I said. She was shocked that it was me calling her. I told her that I am not well. I told her that when I first met her, I liked her and loved her and was open to having a friendship with her but buying thus ticket behind my back was really hurtful. The rest I could not recall. I hung up on her.

    My boyfriend was angry with me – he told me that I “won.” That I got what I wanted. I had completely isolated him from his friends.

    I asked:

    Do you not see she disrespected me? That both you and her disrespected and lied to me? Am I not entitled to feeling the way I do?

    I told him:

    I would have expected you to have seen that right away; that you would have told her that buying a ticket without my knowledge was “disrespectful my girlfriend.”

    I told him:

    I am not crazy. I am not jealous. You did not give me a chance to respond. Things would have played out differently had you just told her, “please don’t buy the ticket yet. I will talk to her when she gets home.” I most likely would have said “yes.”

    Their “excuse.” She needed to buy the ticket that evening so she can get a discount.


    I could not say anything at this point. We are both angry.

    What I really wanted to say:

    “Your bestfriend? The one who knew that we were about to lose our apartment and risked homelessness? The one you asked if we can stay at her place and said she couldn’t do that because she already has her son and her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s son already staying with her?”

    “Your bestfriend? After knowing that there are days that we could not afford food, has not once sent us even a rotten banana, so we can eat?”

    “Your bestfriend? The one who sends you pictures of her new boobs? Is this the woman you are defending over me?”

    “Where was she those nights, when your teeth were infected and we could not afford antibiotics and you were running a fever?”

    I don’t know about anyone else, even at our poorest which we are now, I still can and will find a way to share my food with a neighbor who needs help.

    Am I asking for advice and I am asking for clarity. He and his friends think I am the “crazy” possessive girlfriend.

    Oh, and one more thing — Am I crazy insecure that despite my knowing that he and another “friend” (a girl) from the past, wants to have an affair with him (as she is married with a daughter), still be agreeable to him going out and having coffee meetings at 1am? She works evenings at a coffee shop, so he meets her there to talk. I trust him, so I thought it was okay.

    Same girl, who I later found out through my boyfriend was sending him naked pictures.

    Am I crazy insecure and possessive?!!!

    I told him that if we both really want to improve ourselves and our lives, we need better quality people who can be our models.

    If we are the sum total of the 5 closest friends we have and these are the friends we hang out? I am 3 friends shy of living in Skankville.

    I want to be a decent, charming, elegant, classy, confident, respectful, feminine woman.

    These are not the women I would want to hang out with — one is a married woman with a young daughter who works at a coffee shop and sends naked photos of herself; and the other is a professional psycotherapist who talks about her past sexcapades (I heard her stories when I met her the first time), also seduces a married or separated co-worker (if I got the story correctly) and also sends photos of her new boobs (covered) to her bestfriend.

    Don’t get me wrong – I have many issues. Yes, insecurity is one of them. Anxiety and depression are the other major ones (our finances and my family’s health is really affecting me mentally and physically now).

    I am patiently waiting for my man to love, care, support and respect me. Despite all this, he still makes me feel that I am the bad person here.

    I hope that someone can tell me that I am not, at least not completely.

    Thank you.

  199.  #199Rori Raye on May 18, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    Iris – In my world – you don’t want to hold anything back, you want to say and share it all – AND the words you use, and the skill you have in doing it is crucial. So practice Feeling Messages, and write out speeches for this before you just speak. We’ll help.

    You can say something like this on your next date. “I really enjoyed dating you, and it felt good to hear from you, and I’m feeling so much fun with you right now, and I realize that I feel like I’m holding back if I don’t at least ask you what happened, why I didn’t hear from you…”

    And then do NOT explain, get defensive when he talks. Just thank him for letting you know. You may want to wait, write out speeches, practice with easier things before you try this – and still, it’s important to practice saying the hard stuff. That’s what Circular Dating is FOR!!! Love, Rori

  200.  #200Rori Raye on May 18, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    Angel – Here’s my take: poverty is a horrific situation. This is where love is meaningless, unless it’s YOUR love for YOU. Number ONE: TAKE care of YOU!!!! I don’t care what he thinks, or what he does. If he doesn’t bring in money – that would be fine if you brought in plenty – then the arguments would at least be something I could help you with. Here – the whole situation is dire, and anyone, friends, old girlfriends, this friend who’s a woman who invites him to spend even one dollar is threatening your stability. It’s all on you. And his attitude is, for me, completely not serving you. If this were me – I’d throw him out NOW. I’d work enough to make money, I’d take care of myself. I’d find public assistance for my mother if that’s possible where she lives. I’d save for my own emergencies. I’d only accept interest and affection and spend time with men who were financially stable. Period. That’s me – so please don’t take this as advice for you. Love, Rori

  201.  #201Iris on May 19, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Hi Rori,

    Oh that’s great! Thanks so much for taking the time to respond directly, I feel better. I’ve only been Circular Dating a short time and I already feel more confident expressing myself. I love using it as practice and helping to build up my self-esteem. It really does help me see men for who they are rather than how I can try to twist them to fit into my ideals.

    I’ll write some speeches and practice before I see him next. And I’ll report back on how it goes. Thanks again!!

  202.  #202Kim on May 19, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Input welcome..

    I’ve been a reader here off and on for several years. I have several of Rori’s programs – Modern Siren, Reconnect Your Relationship, both of the Love Scripts, Heart Connection Toolkit, her e-book, and a bunch of her interviews. I’ve been working on myself and applying the Rori’s tools and they work, but now I’m stumped how to proceed.

    I have to say at this point that until a couple of weeks ago I was a big disbeliever in the whole ‘love at first sight’ and was even questioning whether ‘true love’ like we hear about even existed at all.

    Then, I met “J”… He emailed me on a Sunday am, while I was at work. I checked out his profile.. the biggest drawback I found was that he is significantly younger than I am (12 yrs).. I generally don’t date younger than a few years (hang up from high school 30 yrs ago), but we hit it off so I thought ‘why not.. I’ll meet him and we’ll see..’ He also currently lives about 4 hrs away, but his work brings him to my area every couple of weeks and they’re going to be opening an office here locally so he’ll be moving here in a couple of months (why he was looking here and not local to him), but in the meantime he’ll be here a couple of days every couple of weeks. So, I practice all my feeling messages and everything else I’ve learned from Rori with him prior to meeting him (can’t ever have too much practice and I need all I can get.. ) So, the day comes that he’s here and we’re going to meet. We hit it off from the very beginning to the point that the age thing? Phhfftt.. what’s that? Chemistry… Compatibility… Attraction… We had it all and more, and it was on both sides. I actually lost time at one point.. We had been talking and he kissed me.. I’m usually in my head thinking, wondering, analyzing, if I feel anything, and if not, why not (I know, I know.. ) when all of a sudden my mind is completely, totally, absolutely blank, then there’s a ‘whoosh’ and I’m FEELING everything…. (kinda like in the movies when they get lost in a memory, then get sucked back to the present). I didn’t ask him, but I’m pretty sure he felt the same thing, because he had the same stunned look I know I had on my face.. Later while we’re talking he starts talking about the future, the things he wants to do (retire on a ranch in Colorado) and if that was something I’d be interested in (um… yeah, right up my alley), places he wants to take me (B&B in West Texas that has a vineyard), how happy he is to be moving here because I’m here… etc etc etc.. He had picked up during our conversations before meeting that I have a tendency to over think things, but assured me that he was more than willing to be patient as he was very interested in me. He assured me that he liked/wanted a woman with a strong personality, and that everything would be ok. The next week is good, with daily conversations that he usually initiated. Looking back I can see times that I was definitely leaning forward. He told me he’d taken his profile down, which freaked me out for a minute, so I asked for clarification as I was feeling confused. He explained that he’d found who/what he was looking for – me- so he was no longer looking. I’ve since hidden my profile too, but apparently because we’ve messaged each other we can still when each other is online and our profiles even though both profiles are hidden.

    Last week we didn’t text as much, I was trying to lean back and let him lead, and went from Wednesday to Saturday with nothing, which triggered me and got my Negative Voice all worked up and into overdrive. I texted him Saturday to ask if everything was ok.. he replied that he had his daughter this weekend. Ok.. no problem.. Then yday I notice that he’s showing up online on pof… he emails me asking if I’ve found someone else… I reply that no, I’d already found someone (him) and that was why my profile was down.. I proceed to text him that I don’t undestand.. why would I be looking for someone else and if I missed something. His reply – ‘no’… Later on, after listening to my NV which is in overdrive I text him asking if we could talk when he had time after his daughter went home, that I was feeling a little lost, and what did he think? He read it… but no response…

    Last night after rehashing everything for the umpteenth time I realize that I’ve (probably) overreacted and been over thinking things the past few days.. Again, he read it, no response..

    How do I begin to undo my stupidity? I know, I know.. I’m in my ‘masculine’ energy by wanting to fix it.. and that if he wanted to contact me he would.. In the past I’ve always *thought* that this guy, or that one, was ‘the one’… “J” is the fist one that I’ve actually FELT was ‘the one’

    I feel heartbroken and lost…

    Thanks in advance..


  203.  #203Rori Raye on May 19, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Kim – I’m So sorry – I don’t want to burst your bubble – and, for me, what you’re describing here has nothing to do with “true love” – but is all about infatuation. Intensity. Chemistry. It’s not real. Real is what happens over time. It’s intimacy. It’s sticking. You can’t lose something you don’t have – and you can’t “have” a man who is NOT showing up. That’s the sticking point. It doesn’t matter what you feel. Or what he feels. It only matters if he sticks. The Tool Circular Dating is in place for just this reason – to keep you from getting caught up in something that feels so strong…and help it get settled in over time. Do NOTHING…..!!! Date others!!!!! Build back your confidence and Leaning Back abilities!!! Love, Rori

  204.  #204Amy Johnson on May 30, 2014 at 5:12 am

    I think it is important to be truthful to ourselves. I was in the most heartbreaking relationship. The man was a complete liar and cheater and I just could not stop loving him. I wondered what was wrong with me and why I was letting him walk all over me.
    I realized I had wanted the truth to be happy and wanted him to be this heroic wonderful man. The Truth was the complete oposite of my imaginary relationship with the man. I just had to realize that everything good about him was my imagination.
    I realized that him rejecting me was fine because he never really had me anyway ! All his lies were a fasade of the man I wanted him to be, so the true him could have never been a man I would have anything to do with.
    This was an empowering realization. Realizing the Truth I was set free and I was empowered while he became almost pathetic and creepy to me.

    Ahhh …The Truth 🙂