A Plan For Your Boy To Implement To Help Your Mood And Lift Depression

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I sent this list to a client, Arlene, who’s suffering with a “difficult” man, feels committed to seeing the relationship through, and as a result is feeling anxious, moody, depressed and generally “down.”  It’s an impromptu list, and I expanded it for you no matter where you live – hope you find it helpful…

1. Look for and try out an acting class –

Make sure there’s a focus on “emotional release” work and “being present” and “authentic” – Meisner, some of the classics of acting training are around in every city

Also – an improvisation class is great – as long as it’s about “scenes” and not about being funny – ANY class that focuses on what’s called “The Harold” will be okay.

2. Try a mind-body therapist, rolfer, hypnnotherapist for anxiety, EFT Tapping specialist

You can find these in nearly any town – and there are great “tapping” videos all over youtube… Just google and see what you find.

3. Pole Dancing – make sure it’s “stripper” run and not an aerobics class!

You want to move SLOWLY and sensually and have a great example to follow, not just get strong (although it takes considerable strength).

If you’re in Los Angeles – go to Heather – www.Lusciousmaven.com – she’s on my Commitment Blueprint program, and I think what she does – and just who she IS – is incredibly wonderful.

4. Additional coaches I love:

Virginia Clark http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com – she’s my best friend and an amazing, amazing coach –  and she’ll get your love life the way you want it.

Jonathan Aslay at www.understandmennow.com is a teddy bear sweet guy who’ll help you from a man’s point of view so you can feel encouraged.

5. I know you’re very health conscious and smart – and here’s what I feel is important nutrition-wise:

Probiotics – Number ONE for me:

Go to Whole Foods or any health food store , or online and talk to the people there to get a brand you like.

The simpler the better – acidophilus and bifidus will do. I use Natren non-dairy.

Depression and mood are very controlled by your hormones.

Go get your thyroid and other endocrine functions checked – get the highest end testing you can afford – including anti-body tests for thyroid and some blood sugar testing (just simple finger-prick and A1C should be enough…

Omega 3s are CRUCIAL to mood. The capsules are hardly powerful enough. I LOVE the cod liver oil I’m taking – Nordic Naturals Arctic Cod Liver Oil. I use the orange flavor – but am trying the unflavored I bought from them online. It tastes great, no fishiness at all or stomach upset – and I can FEEL it softening my mood and my whole system.

Read and research all over the web – and, if you can afford it – go to see a holistic doctor that comes highly recommended to you.

“Functional Medicine” is very “happening” right now, where they test your blood and see how all the biochemical and hormonal and immune response and metabolic connections are working.

I love Chinese Medicine – I work with an OMD.

Acupuncture itself is very soothing…and someone who is also a nutritional specialist in the endocrine area.

You might find that eliminating many foods will quickly shift your mood and lift your depression and make you feel WAY better.

The most common irritants are:

Eggs, dairy (cow’s dairy especially – many can handle goat milk products and raw milk products), mushrooms, yeast, GLUTEN is HUGE, especially for your thyroid, wheat in general, and you may have a few specific ones that register high.

There are many ways for you to do an elimination diet to find out what may be bothering your system.

Also – have this holistic doctor check you for yeast (candida) and if that’s a problem – working on clearing that out will DEFINITELY help your mood.

Fungal infections and bacterial infections that are difficult to test for can be at the bottom of a lot of this – and just cleaning yourself out gently over time sounds like a no-brainer kind of way to go…

6. Focus on all the exercises and Tools we worked on that bring you back to focusing on YOU and not HIM…

This alone, if you catch yourself and do this 100’s of times a day – will reprogram your habitual brain and shift things in a way that may feel amazing to you.

Let me know how every day goes!


  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Thanks again for a good one.

  2.  #2Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I posted that for FW and SA on the last tread

    1033: Lizka says:

    ” Are you really pleasantly surprised? Honestly?”

    Yes. I was surprised because I was really had no expectation of him coming out from his cave. And I am happy to. So I can say I am happily surprised without lying.

    And yes I can wait. I am not feeling even a little rushed to answer. I have absolutely NO problem not answering right now or even never. I just want to make sure this is the right thing to do…

    Monday, 5 March 2012 @ 6:50am

    1034: Lizka says:
    SA and FW

    I don’t want to send an FM about him not calling me for a week or texting in the middle of the night. I just don’t want to do that. And I actually don’t really care about text in the middle of the night.

  3.  #3Silver Moonbeam on March 5, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Yay number 3!!

    FW how do you manage to almost always be first????

  4.  #4Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Lizka, I replied to you too on the prior thread.. not sure if you saw that.

  5.  #5Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Also was asking for an advice on the prior thread, if possible?

    either to say this:

    For me to have my attraction grow I need to feel romanced. Yes, perrier, math and flowers. And I don’t feel this way lately. It turns me off (or ‘I don’t know’)

    or this:

    I don’t like to be asked what time I can talk and then have the conversation dropped. It feels weird.

  6.  #6Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Memulo I responded to you on the other thread, though it might not be what you are looking for.

  7.  #7Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Hi Memulo, thank you for your answer. Yes I think that’s what I’m gonna do… No answer for now and maybe a smiley later if I feel like it. For now I am so busy with work anyway I don’t have time to think of it.

    About your issue, I haven’t read the whole story since I didn’t had time to read all the posts from last tread this morning.

    I think “I don’t like to be asked what time I can talk and then have the conversation dropped. It feels weird.” sounds very harsh and a little blamey.

    I prefers the first option but at the end, instead of “It turns me off” I would say “I feel turn off”

    Hope it helps a little. 🙂

  8.  #8Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:48 am


    Thank you. This is not the first time he asks when he can call, have me answer and does his own thing when he feels like it. I agree it’s ok to change his mind, but a person concerned about my feelings would let me know that he can’t make it and when to expect his call. In our text conversation I did try to accommodate his request.

    I did not know I was in an imaginary relationship until now. I believed it was real. The reason I am saying it is that I feel he is treating me worse then before. I don’t think I should let it slip, because it is getting worse already. I don’t want to act like I didn’t notice or don’t care, because I did and I do care. What do you think?

  9.  #9LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Thank you for the list Rori! I do need to focus on me.

  10.  #10Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:53 am


    Thank you. I feel surprised, I thought that the 1st message is a lot more harsh.. He did take me out to the play that I wanted to see last week and we had a good time together. Just after that date it seems to be going down and I don’t know why. He called me on Friday to say that he couldn’t see me this weekend, but he can talk to me.. and hopes to talk to me soon! I did not call him, so he texted on Sunday asking when he can call. I gave him two time windows, pretty long ones both and I haven’t heard from him.

  11.  #11LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Memulo, how are you feeling about his message? You FM seems blamey

  12.  #12LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Hi Lizka

  13.  #13Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:57 am


    I feel that I don’t want to be left hanging.. and if he really wanted to hear my voice this weekend (not even to see me) he would make it happen.

    How are you feeling today?

  14.  #14Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Memulo I am in a place now where I believe I am responsible for my own happiness. I don’t believe he “had you answer”, you chose to. Even if you didn’t and he really wants you he will keep coming forward. I would not assume anything about how he feels because life happens. Even if it is a real relationship bringing it down to the level of when to expect one call seems a bit petty to me. Is the relationship only about a call? Telling him how to treat you or punishing him like a child won’t necessarily inspire him to treat you any different. He can be inspired by the way you treat yourself and how you live your life. I find that guys don’t like to scolded all the time or told how to behave. However, when I lean back and allow them to behave whichever way they want to they either change when they realize I feel bored with their shinanegans or just poof on their own.

    It seems to me that you are too available so he feels okay taking you for granted. Getting angry with him because of his behavior will only make things worse. He is living his life you should live yours.

    What did he say when he asked for the real relationship?

  15.  #15Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 8:05 am


    ‘However, when I lean back and allow them to behave whichever way they want to they either change when they realize I feel bored with their shinanegans or just poof on their own. ‘

    I do lean back with him all the time. I never initiate a contact. May I ask how they realize that you feel bored if you don’t say it? Silently giving them less time? I thought RR tools are about expressing how we feel instead?

  16.  #16Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I say it when appropriate. I have had some come back and ask for a date. When on the date they tend to ask about my social life and I let them know I keep my options open by dating others because I feel bored with lack of contact and I need attention to feel turned on.

    Until a man spefically asks for a relationship, exclusivity etc. I believe it is just dating. He can choose not to date me if he so wishes.

  17.  #17LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 8:11 am

    After somtime to myself I realize it is up to me to control and affect my feelings.

    I know being triggered is a good thing, but not if the triggering is manipulation. CD assertive sent me a picture of him posing with a sexy coworker, along with a picture of him alone. I’m thinking “whatever response he is trying to achieve cannot be a positive one.” so I responded nice pics and that I was curious why he sent them to me. No response yet, but I’m feeling pissed at the intentional trigger.

    I text CD song last night that I was catching feelings and that I needed to check that and his response was that you can’t check love. So I guess he thinks I’m just stuck with him because of my feelings…

    Well both CDs need to think again!

    I am stepping back now, and once I can afford it, I’m going to renew my online dating membership and see what else is out there for me. Time to shake up my rotation. After this weekend (cd assertive and I are going away) I’m going to spend more time with CDdj and let my boy energy get me out there to meet some new men!

    And I’ll be busy doing stuff for myself so I can raise my degree of difficulty and lean back while being unavailable for a while.

    I know this won’t be easy, especially with CD song, but I feel manipulated, and I think it is my own fault, not any man’s – I need to let my boy energy take care of me.

    More thoughtful than sad today.

  18.  #18Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Also Memulo guys are not foolish they know when they are acting like jerks and don’t necessarily need a scolding to realize it. It is when they value you and your time that they can change their behavior. Waiting around for a man is unattractive and un-inspiring.

  19.  #19LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 8:13 am


    I did the same thing Saturday night on my date – told him I date and enjoy getting to know people

  20.  #20Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 8:16 am

    LoveAlways from what I see in your comments, I believe you are in a good place, being aware and taking care of yourself. Though you might be bouncing back and forth between two cds you seem determined not to be laser focussed on any special one.

  21.  #21LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 8:17 am


    Hi there 🙂
    Feeling a little tender emotionally but upbeat. Thanks for asking.

    Maybe tell him it would feel nice to speak with him and that you are generally free to talk [in the afternoon]

  22.  #22LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 8:19 am


    Yes, it is a bounce between them sometimes. They are each very time consuming, and that may be the basis of my tale of woe.

    My feelings are the issue right now, and so my feelings have to deal with me now. I feel like I’m losing myself a little

  23.  #23Hopeful on March 5, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Maria –

    Regarding your comments from that last thread. I feel that I am walking in nearly the same shoes as you, minus the kids.

    I have been with my husband for 15 years. I tried doing Rori’s scripting language, but my neediness and desire to control the outcome in the end only made things worse. Right now I am trying to let go of the neediness. But even when I try to melt when he does something affectionate or sweet, it must still feel needy to him.

    And I get blamed for everything.

    I am trying to plan more fun stuff in my life and other self-growth activities. I am going out of town this weekend without him. I am going to try to keep myself busy with other things and see what happens.

    After yesterday, I feel like leaving. And oddly, he accidentally woke me up last night, then when I tossed and turn, he went to the other room cause I was keeping him up. We exchanged words. Then I went downstairs to watch tv because I was so upset I could not sleep.

    Now, oddly, he kissed me goodby twice this am, as I tried to sleep in a bit (he works earlier than I do).

    So what the heck is this? I try to melt and get shut down. Then when he sees that I am upset and go somewhere else to ease my pain, then he wants to move forward? I just don’t get it.

    Oh, and as I watched tv, I thought about moving out, and whether I should get a long-term hotel, or rent and appt or what. And I thought about what furniture and stuff I wanted to take with me. And about sorting through my stuff and tossing some of the crap that I won’t want to take with me. Perhaps that is what he is responding to.

    I am so tired of doing all these things to improve my communication style and improve the relationship, when he just blames and gets angry.

    I know he is depressed, but he won’t do anything to work on that either. Probably because that is all my fault.

    Okay, now that I have typed all this I guess it is more for me than for Maria. So Maria, consider this just me getting my feelings out. I am just so tired of this. I wish I had known about Rori’s programs 5 years ago. I think I could have saved my marriage then.

  24.  #24Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 8:21 am


    Ok, I am making plans to CD. But will it resolve my issue? If I am not expressing how I really feel?

    We did have a couple of conversations when I told him that if anything were to happen between us I would treat it seriously and give it a real shot. That I am looking for a commitment. He said he knows, he could tell and he will wait for as long as it takes, he doesn’t want to loose me or scare me away. On another occasion I said that I can only move forward if we are exclusive. He said he didn’t know, he just assumed we were not dating others, but if I want exclusivity he agrees to it.

    I really just don’t know what to do.. to act as if nothnig is bothering me and just CD others? That doesn’t feel right..

  25.  #25Hopeful on March 5, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Oh and Maria – Reconnect is a really great program for married gals. I would highly recommend.

  26.  #26Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Hopeful I believe this is key “Then when he sees that I am upset and go somewhere else to ease my pain, then he wants to move forward”. He sees this as you cherishing yourself and taking care of yourself so he might be feeling inspired to help you do this. Maybe this is a change from your normal arguing to get your way?

    If you can’t melt it is because you are so angry. It is impossible to melt when angry. Maybe you could lower your voice and just simply state “I feel angry” as if you are just noticing yourself with curiousity.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Exclusivity could mean that you are sexually exclusive but still dating others. No one takes property off the real estate market until they get the best offer. He is also likely to agree to what you want while we continue looking for what he wants. I would only agree to sexual exclusivity but continue dating others if I were you Memulo. Every guy knows that they have no claim on you until he gives you the commitment you want.

  28.  #28Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Hi LoveAlways!

  29.  #29Hopeful on March 5, 2012 at 8:46 am

    What I mean my melting not working is when he snuggles with me and I say, It feels good to snuggle with you in a sweet voice. I say most often when he snuggles withe me. But the snuggles feel empty.

    And he asked me to quit thanking him for things. Perhaps it seems empty to him or something, but I really am trying to sincerely thank him.

  30.  #30Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Hopeful you can trying thanking him by beaming it through your eyes and the look on your face. Or snuggling up closer to him and saying awww. Just keep asking yourself what can I do to show my appreciation? Your brain will come up something creative. Also look for things that you can genuinely appreciate about him and write them down so you can settle it in your brain as a go to list so you don’t have to pretend when you are not truly feeling it.

  31.  #31Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 9:00 am


    It seems to me like you are saying what you feel in order to control what he dkes or not…

    I’m not a specialist at it since I often do the same thing, but I think you should say how you feel without expectation of the issue being fixed.

    I’m happy that you decided to Cdate. No, it will not directly resolve the issue you have with SmartCD, but it will keep you busy and focus on something else and not on him and he might feel it and unconscusly give you what you want… But don’t expect anything 🙂

    That’s what I am learning right. No expectation and if he gives me something, I take it and smile. I’ll fix the issue later when I’m in front of him.

    Yay Lizka!!

  32.  #32Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 9:02 am

    I believe you can sincerely thank him when you feel it in the cells of your body.

  33.  #33Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 9:05 am

    And when I say “i will fix the issues later” I meant I will say how I feel about not being called for 1 week and set the new boundary of no sex and than lean back. I will not really “fixed” anything in particular. That would be “doing”…

  34.  #34Starbright on March 5, 2012 at 9:32 am

    If it is difficult to share appreciative feelings with a man, perhaps that is a good time to be practicing on feeling messages on anything in the room or the weather if outside. Rori’s idea is starting small with physical items.

  35.  #35Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Stole this from FW post a long time ago. 🙂 Hi FW!!
    I feel it’s a good reminder for me and thought I’d share.


    Everything we say can be fit into one of two
    CONTROL SPEAK and SURRENDER SPEAK. Control Speak is the language of the head, and Surrender Speak is the language of the heart. When you talk from your head, you become a friend, a nice woman, someone he’d like to spend time with, and even a sexy woman who turns him on. But he won’t fall in love with you from his head.

    When you speak from your heart, from your feelings, you connect your own heart with his heart. And then he can love you.

    Sounds easy. And in order to open your heart enough to let him in, I’m going to ask you to love yourself, first. When you talk to anyone in the words of
    Surrender Speak, you’re talking from your heart. If you do it all the time, you will soon, automatically and naturally, become a woman who speaks from her heart. Yo u’ll wonder how you did it any other way.

    And then the walls around your heart will naturally come down, and your heart will naturally open up. And then a great man will walk in and claim your heart with his.

    That’s how it works.

    So, here are some ways to avoid speaking from your head when you’re with a man. (When you’re at work, or doing business, or taking care of things that need to be taken care of, you’ll have to be able to speak both languages. You’d be surprised how well Surrender Speak works out there in the world in places you’d never dream it would!)

    The words and thoughts of Control Speak are all about him
    Consider those words and thoughts Off Limits!

    The words and thoughts of Surrender Speak are about you and your feelings.
    And those are the words you want to say.
    Surrender Speak is about being Vulnerable and Real. It’s the Rori Raye Way to go.

    When you find yourself thinking and wanting to speak Control Speak – Stop
    Yourself! (I recommend simply putting your hand over your mouth — it’s what I do!) Instead of verbalizing Control Speak, substitute a Feeling Message from Surrender Speak.

    Don’t worry or think about coming up with the perfectly stated Feeling Message – just choose the words from the Surrender Speak list that feel the closest to what you’re actually feeling, and be as simple, short, and direct as you can. After a few days (really — that quickly), if you’re even just a little bit brave, you’ll get the hang of it!

    In my Have the Relationship You Want ebook — you’ll find this Tool as an easy to read chart.

    CONTROL SPEAK looks and sounds like:
    Why is he doing that? What is he doing? What is he feeling?
    What are you feeling?
    What do you mean?
    I’ll bet I know why he’s depressed
    Oh, he’s just — etc.
    Oh, men are just like that
    There’s so much tension between us. He must be…mad, upset, having
    childhood memories, etc.
    Instead – use Surrender Speak. It looks and sounds like: I feel: Mad, sad, glad, afraid, scared, angry, happy, disconnected, confused, shaky, uncomfortable, weird, upset, lonely, tired, exhausted
    If you find yourself thinking or saying: “Why does he always have to do that? ” “You never listen to me!”

    Or “I need you to do this or that” Say this instead: “I feel (you fill in the blank here – maybe mad, sad, happy, afraid…). If you find yourself thinking or saying: “What if we (you) did that?” Or “Can we (you) please do that?”

    Say this instead: “I feel (fill in the blank here), I don’t want to go there; do that, see that, feel this, feel that, listen to this, be there, be here, stand here, tolerate this, have this, worry about this, think about this, take charge of this, plan this.”

    If you find yourself thinking or saying this: “What’s going on with our relationship?” Say something like this instead: “I don’t want that (fill in the blank here – not-committed, just friends, friends with benefits, casual…) kind of relationship.”

    Not noticing when he does something nice is Control Speak without saying anything. Instead, say: Thank you. I like that tie, I like how you look, I love this restaurant – I feel so good here, I feel so good with you, that feels so good, etc.

    If you find yourself saying: I want you to pick me up, open my door, etc.

    Instead, use Surrender Speak and say: I’m old-fashioned. I don’t feel comfortable meeting men, calling men, planning dates, etc.

    When you switch from Control Speak to Surrender Speak, everything in your relationship will change. You will feel better. For perhaps the first time, you will get in touch with what you are really, actually feeling at any given moment, instead of being in your head about what your date or mate is doing or thinking. This will make HIM feel better. For perhaps the first time, he will experience all the pressure he normally feels actually lift away.

    He will want to move closer to you. The relationship will get better. For perhaps the first time, there will be the opening for intimacy.

    It may be scary. It may feel messy. But you will also feel such relief and happiness at the almost instant positive results, you’ll be motivated to continue using the tools.

    ***There are many, many more moments to switch from Control Speak to Surrender Speak than I can describe here – so MAKE A LIST OF YOUR OWN WORDS. Think about the conflicts that come up over and over again.

    On the left half of a piece of paper, write the words you would usually say.
    Imagine how you might actually feel at that moment, and substitute Surrender Speak – a Feeling Message instead. Write it down on the right half of the paper.
    Then, when the same situation comes up again, and you’re on the spot, you’ll already have words you can use without working hard to think about it.

    Instead of working at all, you’ll be able to just feel what you feel and then say it in words. It sounds tricky now, but you can do it! Once you get the hang of it, your stress will go down and your self-esteem will go up.

  36.  #36Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 9:47 am

    FW, Lizka, LoveAlways,

    Thank you. So you don’t think that saying at least ‘I feel something is off between us.. I don’t know’ when he contacts me is a good idea?

  37.  #37Hopeful on March 5, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Maybe I am so fed up that I don’t feel it in the cells of my body, especially when he feels so distant.

  38.  #38Starla on March 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Am feeling lovely, CF is a step-up guy, indeed. and i’m noticing that it was only a couple of weeks of rough stuff and now we’re way past it.

    He’s making plans for us and calls me at least 1x a day and texts me too. It’s just really sweet. It’s not so bad that he moved.

  39.  #39Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 10:07 am


    I wouldn’t say nothing when he calls. Wait until you see him AND it’s the good moment. If you were busy enjoying your wonderful siren life or CDating, you wouldn’t be waiting for his call. And what I see from your situation, it’s that when he asks when you’re available to talk, he does not SAY he will call and he might noy be available himself to call you at these time. Saying something about it would be a little like wanting to control at this time. He asks when you’re free, he doesn’t call in the time slot you give him, it’s not a big deal if you’re busy playing on your rock. 🙂 the guy seems to love you anyway so you have all the time in the world. xoxo

  40.  #40Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Thank you Emerson for #35.

    I still feel so dumb, I can’t come up with FM, all I know is that I want to address it somehow.

  41.  #41Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Memulo it might be okay to say that when he contacts you but what I have learned from Dominique is to always bring things back to me. So if something is feeling off I ask myself why am I feeling off? It is always best to try to live in the moment. When he comes towards you again a lot of things will have changed and he is likely in a different mindset. Going back to the past won’t necessarily change anything.

  42.  #42Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

    So true Lizka. I believe in looking at someone else’s situation it helps us with our own.

  43.  #43Starbright on March 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Or perhaps what you are feeling In the cells of your body are negative feelings? It may be easier to take the focus off of him and put it on physical things around you…how does that cup of coffee or tea feel in your hands? In your mouth? Just to ease into feelings…



  44.  #44Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Memulo put your attention into your body and ask yourself “what am I feeling”? Also practice following your breath into your body.

  45.  #45Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Also how does the tea feel going down?

    Does the cup feel warm and shiny?

    How does it feel lying in bed after a long day?

  46.  #46Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 10:18 am

    40 Memulo, you are welcome.

    Feeling messages are hard for me too sometimes, because it means I really have to feel what I am FEELING! And it feels akward and scary sometimes. But I practice here on the blog and I also practice with men I meet/chat with online.

    I am always amazed at how men react when I use feeling messages! They respond with what I picture their eyes wide open and with full attention on me…it’s kinda cute.

    I have to force myself sometimes tho! Because at times it does feel akward but I always feel good about myself after because I kept it about ME and I kept it very REAL….

  47.  #47Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Thank you FW. Yes it does. By helpin other I find what is good for me. 🙂 love it!

  48.  #48Mel on March 5, 2012 at 10:39 am


    Awwwww… I feel so warm to know that you were thinking about me whilst on your bike ride!

    And it is interesting to hear your take on the situation. To tell you the truth, for most of our relationship he has acted as though I was a delicate flower he didn’t want to crush. He has been patient and gentlemanly and cautious; always making sure I was ready. This may have been one of those things.

    This weekend I met some more of his family, and this time he said “I’d like you to meet Me.” Plain and simple, no qualification needed. 🙂 It felt good to hear.

  49.  #49Mel on March 5, 2012 at 10:42 am


  50.  #50Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Mel did you see my answer to you on the other tread about run training?

  51.  #51Mel on March 5, 2012 at 10:48 am


    Thanks for the running advice! I’ll check out those apps.

  52.  #52Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 10:50 am


    Haha tea feels warm and refreshing.. But when it comes down to telling him how I feel about us, the only feeling I have is freaking out!

    Also I feel the lack of attention. I know, he texted every day last week, he called on Friday, I did not call back, he texted on Sunday himself and I still somehow feel that something is off.

  53.  #53Susan on March 5, 2012 at 11:04 am


    I always seem to post a comment when a new blog goes up, LOL! I answered you on something from the last one. Here it is:

    313 from the last blog: Mel says:

    “The “friend” thing has come up over and over again. Something that needed to heal. I guess I just didn’t want to get more involved with someone, who after 6 months still thought of me as just a “friend.” I mean, we’re taught to believe what men say… I wanted to be sure we were on the same page.”

    I have run into this issue with Sweet Man. He thinks using the term ‘friend’ is complimentary and valuable. He thought I should be happy when he used that term to describe me and was surprised when I reacted negatively when he said it. When he began to understand I found it hurtful, he asked what I prefer he call me. I happen to like being called a girlfriend, so now he calls me that (but sometimes slips and says ‘friend.’ His actions and other words make it clear I’m not ‘just a friend.’ It took him a VERY long time to utter the L word, but now he has… he now uses the M word! Since I don’t want to re-marry, I’m not sure what to do about that…

  54.  #54Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Memulo I believe that whatever we focus on grows. It might be that you are focussed on finding something wrong. As if waiting for the next shoe to drop, as Rori puts it, so you find more dropping shoes.

    I am wondering what it would feel like to just trust, regardless of what he is doing, just trust that he will keep stepping up. I am experimenting with trusting without expectations. Just trusting that love is coming to be with me.

  55.  #55Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

    @ Mel and Susan
    I think I missed some info from the previous blog, I’ve been slow on keeping up with so many comments! 🙂 I want to know more about this concept that men do/dont mean what they say and how they use the word friend>>?????

    Recycled used that word with me and it was part of my deciding factor to go to no contact….now I’m doubting myself… 🙁

    So can we or can we not believe what a man says? How am I supposed to know ANYTHING???

  56.  #56Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I realize actions speak louder than words, but a man can feel “friendship” with me and still be nice to me and be “step up” …and how am I supposed to know he has REAL feelings for me??? Is the only deciding factor a marriage proposal?

  57.  #57Mel on March 5, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Wow Susan… it appears our sweet men have the same operating system! Mine has still not said the “L” word. Though, he has started to sign his emails “luv ya.” Heehee… noticing that maybe there might be a progression between “luv” and “love” even. It’s all good. I’m actually not feeling concerned about it at all. It’s all about how I feel in his presence and in one word, I feel cherished. That’s even better than love in my opinion! 🙂

  58.  #58Mel on March 5, 2012 at 11:19 am


    I had written about Mr. A introducing me as “This is my friend Mel” and about how that felt really bad and confusing for me. Like maybe he thought we were just casual or FWB. I told him how I felt and said I was interested in a real long-term relationship, and did not want to settle for something other than my happy ever after.

  59.  #59Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Love Note of the Week:

    If you’re heart is tied to someone else…even with a small thread, your Beloved will not be revealed to you.

    “When it comes to matters of the heart, burning bridges is a good thing. Release all the ‘maybes,’ ‘should have beens,’ and ‘if onlys,’ each one didn’t work out for a reason. Be open to receive someone completely new, but first, cut the chords to the past. Now you are free to move forward to your glorious future with your Beloved. ”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

  60.  #60Rose on March 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Thank you Rori, this list feels so inspiring..

  61.  #61Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

    59 thanks FW I needed to hear that. I need to burn my bridge with Recycled for sure.

    58 Mel thank you for sharing that…I feel curious what was his reaction to you sharing your feelings?

  62.  #62Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Emerson I meant to say if I were you I would become comfortable with asking guys very early on “so why aren’t you married yet” or what happened with your last relationship. It might be something you want to practice chatting with guys about when you make first contact on dating sites to see if they get spooked and to practice speaking up. That way when you are on dates you will feel comfortable if you choose to ask. I don’t believe this kind of thing I should find out by chance. Think if you take yourself and your life seriously you will do what you need to do for yourself.

  63.  #63Mel on March 5, 2012 at 11:29 am


    He said:

    “You are my girl and and in my view our relationship is not casual, but very serious. I hope this helps you feel better and more content sweet miss. I also want a real relationship and that is what I feel we have.”

    He also asked how I would like to be introduced in future, and honored my request when introducing me this weekend. 🙂

  64.  #64Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

    62 OK FW that sounds like a good idea even though it feels scary to ask that. I feel you’re correct in saying that if I take my life seriously it’s important to know / ask these things.

    I did get practice with scary conversations with GreenCD and asking him if he was married and he said yes….(OMG!!! I still feel angry about that) and I told him I DO NOT spend time with married men thank you very much, goodbye!!!!!

    63 Mel that’s great! 🙂

  65.  #65Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Way to go Emerson.

  66.  #66Susan on March 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

    RE: 56 Emerson and 57 Mel,

    Emerson, perhaps the way we know the difference between friendship and love is when we feel cherished (like how Mel said in # 57.)

    Emerson, you asked: “a man can feel “friendship” with me and still be nice to me and be “step up” …and how am I supposed to know he has REAL feelings for me??? Is the only deciding factor a marriage proposal?”

    IMHO, there is a sort of sliding scale between the two for some men. Some men morph from friendship to love over time. Some don’t. If a man makes you feel cherished while referring to you as a friend (not ‘just’ a friend – the work JUST is a way of pushing a woman away) then he may be moving towards committed love.


    I’ve noticed that your guy and my guy seem to think and act in a similar way. For Sweet Man, admitting love for a woman isn’t just a feeling. It’s an intention to act on that feeling. And he didn’t want to say it until he felt sure he would want to act on it.

    Sweet Man’s intention for wanting to marry me is to take care of me financially. We are not spring chickens. He knows he has made more money than I have over time and therefore he qualifies for a larger retirement income from social security. He said that if we married that I could draw on his retirement after he passes and he likes the idea of taking care of me even after he is gone. I felt very touched when he said that. And I have been giving it careful consideration.

  67.  #67Starbright on March 5, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I do miss my unavailable guy. I saw him at an organization we are both in last week. I let him take me for a drink. And, he called me two times that evening in between the meeting and the drink and on the way home. He was expressing missing being with me but not offering anything more. I didn’t lean forward and ask for more. I could have shared more feeling messages while we were together when some things that he said about other friends and family members made me feel kind of sad because I wasn’t a part of things.

    I did feel good that I didn’t feel angry being with him and that I wasn’t leaning forward and trying to get anything from him. In the past sometimes I did. So, I am acting different. I warmly accepted his invitation for drinks. He commented that it had been a long time (three weeks) since we had been alone together and I agreed. This is where I may in the past have leaned forward.

    I haven’t heard from him since then. Again, I don’t think he will step up and give me what I want. Part of me wants to lean forward and call him. But, I need to lean back. I have a history of crumb taking.

    I met a guy last week at a meetup oscar party. He emailed me through the meetup group and asked me to chat with him – giving me his email. I felt on the fence. He seems like a nice guy. He also seems a bit geeky. I feel like I ought to write back. I thought about giving him my phone number and then I was going through some ups and downs with my feelings over unavail cd. I know I need to cd! Also, to get some work done. Just feeling a bit like things are hard and blue…


  68.  #68Mel on March 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Wow Susan, that feels so sweet to read! What a thoughtful man!!

    Now that I know that we are not just friends in his view… I don’t think it will bug me anymore, even if he says it. I felt like I needed to state what I want and to see if we were on the same page. No point being exclusive with someone that doesn’t want what I want. It’s funny how a word can mean such different things to different people. He was also a bit surprised at my reaction.

  69.  #69Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Susan – that feels sad that he’s talking about marriage and you don’t want it. I wonder if this is a case like when Rori mentioned her man stepping up, and it felt uncomfortable.. She now had to face her Own blocks to intimacy

  70.  #70Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    I’m feeling a little sad

  71.  #71Susan on March 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    RE: 68: Mel says:

    “Now that I know that we are not just friends in his view… I don’t think it will bug me anymore, even if he says it.”

    Exactly! The word ‘just’ in front of the word ‘friends’ is a verbal pushing away. But sometimes, when a man uses the word ‘friend’ (without the word ‘just’ in front of it) he may be developing some pretty serious commitment-type emotions about his lady and he just isn’t finished developing them yet.

    There are guys who use the word love when they feel it. Other men use the word love when they are ready to act on it.

  72.  #72Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Emerson – is the only deciding factor a marriage proposal?


    Or a -forever committed life together proposal with plan and implementation – if the word ‘marriage’ brings up bad feeling connotations.

  73.  #73Susan on March 5, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    RE: 69: Daria says:

    “Susan – that feels sad that he’s talking about marriage and you don’t want it. I wonder if this is a case like when Rori mentioned her man stepping up, and it felt uncomfortable.. She now had to face her Own blocks to intimacy”

    I don’t have blocks to intimacy. I have trust issues related to money. Both of my two ex husbands bankrupted me. When I am on my own, I am financially stable. For me, marriage is a huge financial risk. From purely an emotional standpoint, I would marry Sweet Man. It is the financial risk that holds me back. I’m too young to start over financially.

  74.  #74Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    I’m feeling scared of being attacked for being in everyone’s business.

    I’m judging myself as being in everyone’s business.

    I want to heal this

  75.  #75Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Susan – trust issues related to money Are blocks to intimacy

    How wonderful that you will be healing this! What do you think?

    And healing doesn’t mean taking a risk that doesn’t feel good…

  76.  #76Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I don’t wana wake up and theres not like 3 diff plans to take me out to eat chill and smoke.

  77.  #77Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    I don’t wana be here not riding and chillin

  78.  #78Susan on March 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    RE; 75: Daria says:

    “Susan – trust issues related to money Are blocks to intimacy

    How wonderful that you will be healing this! What do you think?

    And healing doesn’t mean taking a risk that doesn’t feel good…”

    We have been talking about living together, at some point. I feel very open to that. I can’t imagine my future without him in it.

  79.  #79Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I don’t wana be in the house for another 9 hours!

  80.  #80Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I don’t want to feel this way!

  81.  #81Daria on March 5, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    I feel frustrated!

  82.  #82Sun Goddess on March 5, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Daria, I know I feel like I am wasting my day off by sitting around the house. I want someone to take me somewhere fun!

  83.  #83Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Susan – In Reconnect Rori does mention that some women don’t want to marry later in life because of financial issues. In my opinion, she recognizes that this is a real issue for some people.

  84.  #84Susan on March 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    RE: 83: Femininewoman says:

    “Susan – In Reconnect Rori does mention that some women don’t want to marry later in life because of financial issues. In my opinion, she recognizes that this is a real issue for some people.”

    Thanks! That is good to know!

  85.  #85Starla on March 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    January was my “learn how to not stress out crazy-like because of deadlines” month, and it was 100% successful. After a dedicated month, I no longer freak out over deadlines.

    February was Go With The Flow month. It didn’t work out so great for me….so I’m extending it until I get it down. In particular, I need to learn to take No for an answer. I just took no for an answer and I feel rejected and weird. Usually I would convince or whine in response to “no.”

    March is my Home month…I have a new sofa coming on Friday and have a few projects around the house to get done. so my priority in March is to get my temple in lovely order.

    April will be all about my diet and fitness.

    I can’t wait! These months of singular dedication are working out great for me.

    Though, going with the flow and taking no for an answer feel the most challenging so far.

  86.  #86Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Just got a text from him: I’m sick. Can you heal me?

    What do I do?? Reply: ‘sure. Healing;)’

  87.  #87Daria on March 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Memulo – hehe i feel giggly reading about that

  88.  #88Daria on March 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    just walked away from my mom RIGHT after expressing dont wants, then didnt feel good still and i walked away


    it still felt scary and thats ok!

    omg i feel so happy in me!

    it felt sooo uncomfortable to do it!

    she followed me saying theres no where for you to get away and i literally went out the door!

    then i came back in

    yay em

    behavior change

    and now i feel ebullient

    and even thoa lil giggly like having gone thru something scary

    i feel energetic

    and awesome

    and i am healing!

    and healing my fam!
    \yes 😀


  89.  #89Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Memulo I would say “waving my magic wand “HEALING”. Can you feel it can you feel it”?

  90.  #90Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you Daria and FW!

    But seriously, is it ok to ask what’s wrong with him later? Maybe he does need help?

  91.  #91Daria on March 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm


    my mom probably felt crappy and disrespected that i walked off like that

    does it matter?


    cuz i took care of me and im healing!

    then it will heal our dynamics

    so its ok!

    healing first! healing priority!

    woo hooo me

  92.  #92Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Memulo you are too mothering. If he needs help he will ask for it.

  93.  #93Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    I believe if something was wrong he would say it. Also do you seriously think you could do something over text? I believe he just want to keep in touch and wants to be playful.

  94.  #94Daria on March 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Memulo – you’ve already helped him


    just keep flirting

  95.  #95Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm


    I mean if he is sick maybe its a good idea to call and ask what’s wrong? What if he asks me to come over? I did not think I can help over text-)

  96.  #96Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Hi ladies,

    So the day passed and I did not reply to ATW. I don’t know, I just don’t feel a urge to reply. I am feeling good where I am and will wait for the next message and see if it is more interesting… Might send a smiley later, not sure yet. I’m not feeling rushed to find an answer to this anyway…

    I have to admit I am also a little afraid to go back to worry mode if I answer. I am protecting myself by not responding. Is that bad? Should I face the fear?

  97.  #97Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm


    it’s fantastic! Keep on the focus on you;)

  98.  #98Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm


    it’s fantastic! Keep the focus on you;)

  99.  #99Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Starla –

    I love the months dedication! Can I follow you? I definitely need to improve my “go with the flow” skills too 🙂

  100.  #100Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    1029 (from previous thread) SMB – Ouch alright! I struggled through it last night because it’s been a few weeks of laziness! 😉

  101.  #101Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Thanks Memulo,

    You think I am doing great by not replying? It feels a little scary…

  102.  #102Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Really, does everyone think that I just need to keep silence and not ask how he is feeling?

  103.  #103Siren Angel on March 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm


    And yes there are always mistakes…

    M called for dinner plans we have tonight. Special night he had said before.

    When he called he said he’s not feeling really well and wants to be taken care of, but that we should go out first… Then said ‘no, let’s do sushi’. Then I felt all confused! I froze. He said he would call back… It’s been 1 hour.

    He had also said he was all stressed getting packed up and all for vacation today (we are leaving tomorow to go skiing with his kids). And I just REALIZED I was putting pressure on him!!!

    I called back (leaning forward, I know) and in the context of this article said ‘I’m so sorry… Sushi is perfectly fine, I know you have so much pressure today and are feeling off, yes something easy would feel nice’. He said he didn’t feel like cooking, exhausted, the remembered he had chicken and wants to make me his special italian marsala chicken…

    It feels like a dance and it has twirls!

  104.  #104Daria on March 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    i feel so jealous of these men who have brothers and cousins and friends to hang out with, and pikc htem up at 10 minute notice whenever they’re lonely

    i feel so – i dont know the name of it – to

    i feel piny for that

    i feel sad anxious and angry and frustrated

  105.  #105Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm


    yes, I think you are doing fine. What’s the urgency? To assure him that you are still here waiting?

  106.  #106Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Daria 104

    I know what you mean. I always wished I had a sister same age as me or very close who would answer her phone everytime I feel sad and lonely and come over drink a bottle of wine… 🙂

  107.  #107Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Siren Angel, you seem to be doing fine? It’s great, he’s gonna cook for you!! 🙂

  108.  #108Starla on March 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Daria, I know what you mean, too, about how these people have all these people up they can call and just be like “hey come get me.”

    only child songs, la la la la laaaaaaaa

  109.  #109Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm


    No I know there is no urgency. I don’t even feel it a little. But my NVs pop up sometimes and say if I don’t answer he will think I am mad and give up…

  110.  #110Starla on March 5, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    I DO have a best friend that i can just call up like that when I need a shoulder to cry on, however. And THAT’S amazing. She is such a good friend to me. But she’s married and busy, and lives far away, so random hang outs aren’t an option. She’ll still come through if I need support, though.

    My friend David, whom I used to date, was my random hang out friend, but he was also unfortunately my random DRAMA friend, so that fizzled out.

  111.  #111LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Hi Lizka,

    It’s feels good to see you not have the sense of urgency.

    I don’t have the feeling of urgency either.
    I’m not in a hurry to jump into anything right now.
    Mostly coz I feel afraid of diving back into old patterns.

    However, I do feel like leaning forward right now.
    I would love to be cuddling in a man’s arms right now, it would feel so good and comforting.

    It would be so easy to lean forward and call D right now to ask him to come over and do that.
    He would come running for sure.
    He won’t coz he’s with his son tonight, so that’s good to keep me from leaning forward.

  112.  #112sensual on March 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Hi everyone! I’m finally en route home from my trip, it feels so good to come home although the time away felt so wonderfully peaceful and also very adventurous! We went sailing and wow it feels amazing to be pulled along only by air and sails!

    going to catch up on the blog but I have a question first…i’ve received lots of nice messages while i was away, including from Lucky CD who fell off the back of my horse after a little “mishap” over valentines, so i’ll see how i feel about giving him another shot or not…

    So the ShyCD who i reaaaally like, didn’t contact so i held out until saturday an then send a few sweet lines of poetry:) in an email with a picture of me sailing. I feel good about it, because his email reply was so lovely and he said i look very hot and professional in my pic and that i’m coming home to more beautiful weather…..but he also sid “hit me up when you get back” …..grrrr because I already said i was back on Monday and i really don’t feel like leaning forward again!!! i haven’t replied or anything, so what would you do? I guess it’s game playing if i don’t send a text or something now since he asked….but i really didn’t want to have to lean again.. hmmm

  113.  #113Ella on March 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Paige Parker, who is another dating coach who I used to like before I found Rori, says to say this when a guy doesn’t call when he says he will:

    ““Honey, I know you’re so busy with work and you’ve got a lot going on. The thing is, when you say you’ll call in an hour, but don’t call for several, I feel like I’m not a priority in your life. My time is valuable to me too so if you say you’re going to do something, it’s important to me that you’ll follow through. If something comes up, of course I understand, and a quick text to let me know you’ve been waylaid is fine. Or if you’re not sure of your schedule, don’t promise an exact time for your call and we can play it by ear.”

    Hmmm, for me it feels very lectury and naggy.

    I would feel like his Mum if I said this to a guy…

    Also feels quite masculine, with all the directions and demands about what he should do and the ‘solutions’.

    Having said this I do agree with saying when something is bothering us, and I still do like some of Paige’s stuff…

    It just feels kind of primary school to me now, whereas Rori is like University!

    What do you all think?

  114.  #114Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm


    “Mostly coz I feel afraid of diving back into old patterns.”

    Haaa tu as vraiment mis les mots sur mon sentiment. I couldn’t have say better. That’s exactly my fear!!

  115.  #115sensual on March 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    oh also, I’m going vegas for a month! it’s an experiment – i’ve been hearing a lot about how poorly all the animals are treated and how much stress they are under and how putting their meat in your body means that you’re taking on all their stress and hormones and adrenaline and horrible things that get released into their body due to the horrible things they are put through…..i’m told that we’ll feel better, see better have more energy etc etc so i’m dong a months trial! will let you know how it goes and how i feel!

  116.  #116sensual on March 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    ooops i meant Vegan!! lolllll

  117.  #117Starla on March 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    “I noticed I feel kinda off-balance when you say to expect your call in an hour but i don’t hear from you for several, and I don’t want to feel like that with you. it would feel so much better to get a quick text or something if you can’t call, because i don’t want to feel like i’m waiting by the phone. What do you think?”

  118.  #118Starla on March 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    “i noticed i’m feeling like i’m waiting by the phone when i don’t hear from a man when they say to expect a call. it’d feel better to play it by ear or get a quick text if you’re not sure of your schedule or get held up. what do you think?”

  119.  #119lilybelle on March 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    “Focus on all the exercises and Tools we worked on that bring you back to focusing on YOU and not HIM…”

    YES, Yes, YESSSS!!

    The focus HAS to be about me. And it is. YAY!!!

  120.  #120Ella on March 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm


    I like yours better….

    I am not in this scenario at the moment


    But always feels good to have a script ready!


  121.  #121Starla on March 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    i used this script (mine) and it worked like a charm:)

  122.  #122Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm


    DjCD send me an invitation on Facebook for a russian party they are doing on Thursday for International Women’s day because it’s a National Holiday in Russia.

    Thursday it’s my best friend’s birthday dinner and I asked her if she would go to the party after the dinner and she said she is working on call but will try to find someone to replace her.

    I feel so excited to have an occasion to party!! Yay! And DjCD is gonna be there (of course, HE is the DJ) and he seems excited that I am going. Youpiiiiii!!

  123.  #123sensual on March 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    ok, so what am I feeling around ShyCD asking me to “hit him up when I get back”…..well i feel uncomfortable leaning forward. especially since I already emailed mid-way through my trip. BUT i do feel good that he wants me to let him know when I get back.

    but also feel frustrated bc i already said on Monday!

    Maybe i could send a text that literally says “guess who’s back 🙂 ” what do you siren’s think?

  124.  #124Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Sensual, maybe you could send a message saying you’re back, but wait a few days after you actually ARE back?

    Anyway, you’re suppose to be super busy with your siren life, no?

    I don’t mean to play a game, but when you come back, I would do my things, go back to normal life, take my time, call my friends, and then when you think of him send the message that you are back.

    Just a suggestion. What do you think?

  125.  #125Sun Goddess on March 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm


    I could be really wrong, but I think if he asked you to let him know when you return you could send a quick text and then let him take it from there.

  126.  #126Ella on March 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm


    I would not text.

    He is still a man and capable of stepping up.

    It is still leaning forward and doing his job.

    This is just one of those scenarios where the man asks us nicely to do the work so that he doesn’t have to… but as we all know this is not good for the relationship in the long run…

    And it can also set a trend…

    He knows when you are back cus you already said Monday.

    And if not he’ll work it out.

    I would wait for him to contact personally.


  127.  #127LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm


    And that’s the signal to put the focus back on you, and get out of his head.

    I know how you feel, I have had to repeat that to myself all the time.

  128.  #128LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm


    I would not text him when I get back. You told him Monday so let it go from there. I bet he will call

  129.  #129LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm


    I just called my bf, she’s in bed sick.

    I spent 2 hours on the phone w my aunt last night anyway, 1 hour of her stuff and then 1 hour of my stuff.
    I’m tired of the phone sometimes, I wish I had her close by.
    She’s so openminded and connected to her feelings.
    She’s always bringing me back to ‘how do you feel about it?’ and not judging.

  130.  #130Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Thanks Lili.

    I’m gonna go to bed right away anyway because I had a difficult day (physically) and I am so tired.

    So I won’t have reply and tomorrow is gonna be too late to reply anyway. YAY me!!!

    I felt really sireny today. Smiled at all the men I saw and they were happily surprised!

  131.  #131LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm


    “sending warm thoughts, get well wishes and healing to you. Feel better soon”

  132.  #132LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm


    I agree with you Ella.

    Reading it felt like a mom lecturing her son on manners, or like beating him on the head.

    Rori’s scripts and speaches feel softer, gentler, respectful.

    One of my very close friends got upset with me in the past and spoke to me in Rori’s language.
    I got her message and it still felt warm and loving.

  133.  #133LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm


    You can’t go to bed Lizka, Sex and the City is on. lol 🙂

    You look like you’re feeling proud. Good for you 🙂

  134.  #134LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm


    Partééé your btt off girl! Women’s night to ice the cake! How sireny!

  135.  #135Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm


    I called him once I left work, started feeling worried. He didn’t pick up, I left a VM: ‘what’s wrong? what happened? Sorry I missed you’.

    I haven’t heard back. I’m telling myself that I should stop at that, not call his landline. Perhaps he is just asleep, but what if he is really weak, has a fever and I sent a smart alec reply when he said he was sick 🙁

  136.  #136Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Thank you LoveAlways!

  137.  #137LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm



    You don’t know. We need to accept just not knowing what’s going on sometimes, that means letting go of any control.

    I was worried like that constantly in my last relationship. I felt so drained.
    It’s not healthy for you or your relationship to keep worrying like that.

  138.  #138Femininewoman on March 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I don’t even worry about my kids that much even when I get calls from school that they are sick.

  139.  #139Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm


    So now that you had this experience, are you saying that you wouldn’t have called? Would just leave it at flirty text?

  140.  #140Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm


    I live alone now and I know that sometimes when I get very sick (my food poisonings lol) I wish I wasn’t alone.. Does it make sense?

  141.  #141Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Oh yeah Lili I feel so excited about this party! I’m even willing to take Friday off to party harder… And on FB, on the guest list, I sae that Dicaprio is attending… Wut wut!!!

    And for Sex and the City, I’ve seen all the episodes like 300 timea each and I watched them “en rafale” on Saturday and Sunday. Lol I’m really a big fan. I guess you watch it at Cosmo at 7.30? 7.30 is usually Rumeurs for me at ArtTV. 😉

  142.  #142Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    I mean I get so weak during these episodes (sometimes) that I don’t have the strength to even go to the kitchen.

    He told me a story that once he had a surgery, was alone at home and passed away in the bathroom because he was so weak.

  143.  #143Sun Goddess on March 5, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Deep down I knew LP wasn’t coming over tonight, but I still am a tad disappointed that he didn’t even call or text to say that he wasn’t. Oh well, I just washed my face and am on bed watching the Bachelor.

  144.  #144Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:14 pm


    I’d be very careful with Dicaprio after he canceled the date without even telling you!

  145.  #145Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm


    If he was feeling that bad and weak and needed your assistance, he would call you and ask, no? Maybe he actually DOESN’T want you to see him sick?

    I think you are worrying too much dear. Let him be a man and ask you for helps if he needs it.

    Good night! xoxo

  146.  #146Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Lizka and everyone else lol,

    I know you are right, but I actually hardly ask for help when I am sick. I only ask my family but now I live in a different city, so I don’t ask anyone 😉

  147.  #147LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm



    I would get too busy and focused on my own stuff to worry so much about calling and worrying so much…I know how exhausting it is.

    It would be healthier for you to just let it go and focus on yourself and your own things.

    I used to be so worried and focused on my man that I would neglect making a Dr’s appointment for my annual checkup (I went a whole year late!), I would neglect paying my bills on time…neglect myself…totally unhealthy for me.

    I care about my sister sirens and I don’t like to see them on that track.

  148.  #148LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm


    Yeah, Cosmo at 7.30 🙂 I used to watch “en rafale” too on Saturday nights.

    Take the Friday off you Party Siren You.
    Oops, don’t want to be a bad influence, but gee it feels good to cut loose and be bad sometimes lol 🙂

  149.  #149LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm


    Well, there’s her opportunity to practice leaning back…and if he leans in…practice a good FM about the date cancelling thing…so he gets to know he’s dealing with a SIREN. 🙂

  150.  #150LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Wayne Dyer is on PBS right now speaking about manifesting our wishes.

  151.  #151LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 5:42 pm


    Ooohh, The Bachelor…lotsa manly eye candy 🙂

    Well, you get to watch that when LP is not there. He wouldn’t enjoy watching that w you.

  152.  #152Lizka on March 5, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Lili yes!!! Good idea. And I’m not going to this party for Dicaprio, I’m going for myself. I was excited about it even before I knew he was going to be there. Good music, lot of friends, DjCD, they’re all reasons why I’m going there. And in extra I get to Practice leaning back with Dicaprio! 🙂

  153.  #153Sun Goddess on March 5, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    151, LiliBee-

    Exactly, I’m doing things to entertain myself he wouldn’t like.:)

  154.  #154Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Thank you Lili. Yes, I wouldn’t have called if he flirted back but since he was silent for an hour and a half I started feeling worried.

    I should focus on me a lot more.. I did that at the very beginning when we just met and I felt a lot better.. about myself and the relationship. Hmm something to think about.

  155.  #155Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 5:54 pm


    That’s the spirit! Just wanted to warn you about Dicaprio, that’s all.

  156.  #156Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I’m checking with myself and I think I understand why I am worrying so much.

    I hate to be seen as ‘selfish’ and rejected for this reason, because I know that the ‘real me’ cares. So I feel scared to act ‘selfish’ because it feels like a game and i don’t want to be judged for something I am really not.

  157.  #157LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    I opened a drawer that I hadn’t opened in a long time and stumbled on a book I forgot I had: The Secret – Daily Teachings.

    I want to share this page that stood out to me:

    “Look for the gifts in everything, especially when you are facing what appears to be a negative situation. Everything that we attract causes us to grow, which means that ultimately everything is for our own good.
    Adjusting to a new path and a new direction will require new qualities and strengths, and these qualities are always exactly what we need to acquire in order to accomplish the great things ahead in our life.”

  158.  #158Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Memulo – if you’d just responded to his text and sending him healing vibes and finished with an “I hope you feel better soon” or something along those lines, and no expectation of a response (he is sick afterall and wants to sleep!), then you’d probably be feeling a whole lot better.

    Like you, I’m a worrier too – but I have learned to stop doing so much. And I’m not being selfish at all. If he needs me he’ll let me know. You’re not a mind reader right?


  159.  #159LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:13 pm


    Hmmm. I see what you mean. Tough pickle.

    I don’t know about that one. I wish I knew the magic answer to help, but I don’t 🙁

    It feels stressing to worry about what people think though.

  160.  #160Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    TH is going to a soccer game tonight and I am HAPPY about that! Lol

    I’m just looking forward to doing my own thing tonight and he’ll be home later anyway.

    What a change of mindset! I’m loving this, and I think I know why I’m feeling sooooo good – I’ve been focusing more on my life purpose the last few days and I can sense I’m getting closer to being able to achieve some seriously significant goals. Hmmmm! Exciting stuff! 😉

  161.  #161LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:16 pm


    @sending him healing vibes and finished with an “I hope you feel better soon”

    I would feel good expressing that. It feels authentically caring, without worrying about the outcome or being in his head worrying about what he’ll think.

  162.  #162LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Whoo Whoo Whoo BW ! 🙂

  163.  #163LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Off I go to bed. I’ll watch Wayne Dyer on PBS from there where I can hear him over the dishwasher.

    Was it Turquoise who said she could hear her dishwasher roaring from the kitchen?

    Mine is looouuuddd!

    Goodnight sirens! xox

  164.  #164Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    We’re getting there LiliBee!!!! 😉

  165.  #165Daria on March 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Memulo – thats how overfunctioning and controlling attemtpts happen, to try and manipulate to make sure we’re not seen a certain way

    starts from feeling insecure

    your judging yourself as selfish, then trying to DO THINGS to make sure you’re nto seen that way

    oh man

    thats the pattern!

    and it drives ppl away

    surrender is… i feel so insecure… i dont want to be seen as selfish…

    (really you’re judging the OTHER people as not being observant/kind/etc to see the real you!

  166.  #166Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    My dishwasher kind of “whines”….! 😛

  167.  #167LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:24 pm


    Uh, BW that cheer feels energizing!…just when I’m off to bed…lol 😉

    I’ll remember it to energize me when I get up tomorrow morning 🙂 It’s almost 9:30pm here.

  168.  #168Turquoise on March 5, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I have had a headache most of the day, wasn’t sure I’d make it through work, as I felt kinda nauseous and like my stomach flu was coming back. But, now I just feel kinda tired and still a little headache. I didn’t eat much today, had some soup and crackers at lunch, so I know I should be eating… since that was 9 hours ago, but nothing sounds good. Maybe some peanut butter toast.

    I took the girls to gymnastics tonight and ran to the store. I got CV some makeup that I’ll let her wear to school, just a powder, a lip gloss and some very subtle eye shadows… but it was fun to choose for her and I got her some brushes too. I also got her a teeth whitening kit, as she’s embarrassed they are discolored. I want her to feel confident and her best, and to get accustomed to taking good care of herself now, so it will be habit. She’s so excited, planning her outfit and what to do with her hair tomorrow. Today wasn’t as bad as she was expecting, but some of the kids did make comments. She held it together though, and I’m really proud of her. She’s working hard on homework, barely complaining…lol. She’s also been getting some awesome grades lately so proud of her!

    I bought CM two movies so she is all snuggled up on the couch in the gameroom, having some time to herself. She’s been a bit of a moody bear lately, so this is good for her. She gets a little space from her sister, and can just stretch out and relax.

    I don’t have a lot of extra money this month, but I did my budget today, figured out what I could spend, and spoiled them a little. 🙂 I love making them happy! We do plenty of non money things together too, like puzzles, playing games, reading together, watching movies and tv shows, cooking, going for walks, dancing, talking…. on and on. I’m rarely alone, even in my bed at night. It’s not the same as having a man, but sometimes it’s a whole lot better!!!!

    Lizka, good job not texting him! YOur party plans sound great too!

    Brenda, I’ll keep my eyes peeled on Craigslist. Thanks for the reminder. I got my kitchen table and chairs and my living room furniture on there. Not for free, but in my budget, and nice quality. My living room furniture is beautiful and my kitchen set is a little scratched up, but was originally $2500 and I only paid $250. (actually from a former classmate, small world!)

    I want a king size headboard. I found a STUNNING cherry carved one, but they want $1000 for it, and I only want to spend about $300…. so need to keep looking 🙂 Other than that, I need a loveseat or oversized chair, and some floor lamps, but that is about it! Yeah!!!! 🙂

  169.  #169LiliBee on March 5, 2012 at 6:30 pm


    Ohh Daria,

    Love that Daria, it feels so authentic.

    I’m watching a Wayne Dyer special on PBS right now, and his guest just said “I just feel like ‘being’, not having to prove anything, just knowing what is”

    That’s what I’m getting from your post – just being, not having to prove anything.

  170.  #170LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Okay, nearly 24 hours later and I’m doing okay emotionally:

    Practicing Rescue tools
    – compassion for myself (taking care of my emotional self)
    – nutrition
    – wisdom/knowledge (Inspriration)
    – raised degree of difficulty

  171.  #171Daria on March 5, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    for me sending him “healing ;)” feels really fun good and fulfilling and like im magically healing him And giving him what he asked for And leaning back

    i love it

  172.  #172Turquoise on March 5, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Yes, I have the noisy dishwasher! 🙂

    Wow, CV is soo pepped up. She just cleared the table without me asking her to, and when I commented, and thanked her, she said today is just full of surprises! She filled me in that she drank two glasses of milk (another rarity), she put cheese on her sandwich (not a cheese fan) a boy actually sang in chorus who never does, and a few other odd and end tidbits of information. I love when she shares! 🙂

  173.  #173LoveAlways on March 5, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    did not see or speak to any CD
    but did run into CD smoothie for a quick minute, he wanted to talk but today is a total siren zone, no men allowed

  174.  #174Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you girls and thank you Daria 😉

    Yes, I have no problem with my text, I just felt worried not to hear back and wanted to check on him. I never call him, so this will be an exception confirming the rule lol.

    Now that I am aware I will try to change my pattern.. it’s not going to go away immediately, I know that. Plus I feel worried that we don’t know each other enough to feel these things about each other.. or do we 😉 It is also because he never says anything about me, other that I am beautiful, so I don’t know how he sees me. That’s it, other people (men) tell me, they do describe how they see me to me and then I know. This one doesn’t. Only rarely he does and he says things that worry him, because they worry him. I am processing how to deal with this, I don’t know..

  175.  #175Memulo on March 5, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Turquoise, your girls are so lucky to have you 😉

  176.  #176Turquoise on March 5, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Aww thanks Memulo. We watched Toy Story 3 last night and I cried and cried (even though I’ve seen it before) thinking about my girls growing up and moving away. I’m sooooo blessed, sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to be their mom.

  177.  #177Starbright on March 5, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Ah, it would feel great to hear some feedback.
    Night sirens…

  178.  #178Turquoise on March 5, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Goodnight sirens. I’m going to soak in the tub and do some major self care. I’ve been fighting a headache all day and have felt pretty dreadful… but I need to do some pampering. Hoping it will make me feel better, along with the tylenol I just took. I’ve felt shlumpy lately. I can dress casually for work, so usually jeans, a cotton shirt and a sweatshirt, but I know i can do better than that, even if it’s ok to be casual. Going to look through my closet for a little inspiration. Then heading to bed… all within an hour, as I am not getting enough sleep.

    Goodnight, sleep well!

  179.  #179sensual on March 5, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    thanks sirens re.- 123 Liska, SG, Ella, Love always…I am laughing a little at how you all had different suggestions! oh dear..!

    I am feeling in line with what Ella said, i sent him a really nice email already from my trip and i’m sure if i do nothing he will just have to step up and contact me if he wants to see me….i’ll at least leave it a couple of days and see how i feel then. fingers crossed he steps up instead!

  180.  #180Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    Hello! Praise God…after all these months my Unemployment money finally came thru!!! Sweet relief!!!

    Thank you again, LG, for your most kind assistance !

  181.  #181Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 8:18 pm


  182.  #182sensual on March 5, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Memulo, I am reading Eckhart Tolle and it made me think of your worrying..its such a wonderful read concerning how the mind gets in the way of so much of our life and love….and how to switch off the mind and it’s worrying and be present and liberated to be ourselves. catch your thoughts and worries about being selfish or whatever and notice them and separate yourself from them by observing them. The real you is behind them and is happy and free without them hindering you from expressing yourself

  183.  #183Nanceen on March 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Hi Brenda

  184.  #184Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    Oh well… It looks like they gave the team manager job for my daughter’s soccer team to one of the other mothers.

    I know my daughter will be disappointed but I think it’s a mixed blessing with all that I have on right now. And I did offer to help her out if needed.

    Meanwhile I’m thinking of all of the fun stuff I plan to do tonight! A friend recently lent me some personal development CDs so I plan to copy them to my iPhone. She also lent me a book to read so I look forward to relaxing with that. And I might do a little study too. Tonight’s all about developing me!! 🙂

  185.  #185Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Hi Nanceen!

    Welcome back! How are you? How are the kitty cats?

  186.  #186Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Go Butterfly Wings! Sounds really healthy!

    I’m feeling really healthy tonight, too! I feel like it’s all coming together! I feel myself again! I feel whole! I feel happy! I feel like I’m in the light at the other end of the tunnel?

    The key? Time!

    This is one of my favorite songs, by Charlie Peacock:


    The Secret of Time

    Time is a gift of love and grace,
    Without time there’d be no time to change,
    Time to be tried, humbled and broken,
    Time to hear the word of love spoken.

    I see the mission up ahead of me and I tremble as one shaken; but if I have the eyes of faith, the eyes to see, I will leave the outcome in the hands of the one who called me,
    And over and over I must learn and relearn that whether I decrease or whether I increase is not my concern. (not my concern, no)

    Deliver me from strategy, from endless clever thinking,
    Set my sights upon the shore, keep this boat from sinking down,
    Let me taste of a fresh wind of reason and stir the gift within, for I am not a boat left to drift at sea,
    I remain in you and you remain in me,
    There is no great distance between you and I.

    The moment I found out who you were, I found out who I was,
    The silence covered me and the tears began to fall,
    I could see…I could see what a great and grand…great and grand act of affection it’s all been, (time that is, time that is, talk about time that is, time that is)
    My history is written through the choices I make,
    Let me sing just ten true words,
    I’d rather sing just ten true words than a hundred words that in the end amount to nothing…absolutely nothing.

  187.  #187Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Time is definitely a healer Brenda! And I must say how happy I feel so see your transformation over the last few weeks! I knew it was coming but wow! xx

  188.  #188Emerson on March 5, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    72 Thanks Daria 🙂

  189.  #189Silver Moonbeam on March 5, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    #168 Turquoise

    You are an outstanding mum!!! 🙂

    I posted on the last thread to Brenda that I buy from eBay shops, yesterday I bought a vacuum cleaner for 40 pounds inc. courier delivery – it was from a shop that refurbishes them and give you a 1 year guarantee. Maybe you can find something similar for kitchen appliances?

    I also bought my bed, bedroom furniture and sofa from eBay shops at at least half the shop prices, it seems they are last season’s stock from shops, but who cares?

    There are lots of eBay shops that sell seconds too, I have seen one where for instance a sideboard has a few slight scratches on it, well they can’t sell at full price in a shop so the eBay shop sells them for a fraction of the price.

    eBay is my new source of household goods. 🙂

  190.  #190Silver Moonbeam on March 5, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    #180 Brenda

    I am sooo happy your money came through for you.

    It must feel such a relief, but I hope you won’t have to use it for much longer because you have found a brilliant new job. 🙂

  191.  #191Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Oh I love it when that happens! TH is out tonight and I was REALLY tempted to post a lighthearted “have fun” comment. But no, I figured that was leaning forward so I didn’t.

    I later posted something and now he’s commenting and apparently emailed me at work (I’d already left) to see when I’m finishing because he’s not going out anymore. Interesting, especially because I was looking forward to him not being home! Lol

  192.  #192Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    BW, thank you! It’s finally all coming together!

  193.  #193Tiffany on March 5, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Oh, dear. I eat TONS of eggs and dairy. Yikes! :/

  194.  #194Butterfly wings on March 5, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Oh yes Brenda! I’m catching up and want to say yay to the money finally coming through!!

  195.  #195Tiffany on March 5, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    jilly – from the previous thread: things sound great with Rugby man! Yay for relationships where we don’t have to work too hard! 🙂

  196.  #196Brenda on March 5, 2012 at 11:01 pm


    RE: #190 – Thank you! That’s nice! I was just jobhunting, too! I am also thinking of writing children’s literature!

  197.  #197Tiffany on March 5, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    I just finished with the best [second] date ever. 🙂

    OM came over to my house and we watched my favorite movie (the Princess Bride), and ate pizza and drank wine.

    He totally did not mack on me the whole time (although he was self-consciously cuddly and stroking my arms and such). We had a few small kisses, but nothing major. He wasn’t trying to get me to the bed room or anything.

    Before he left, we had a long hug, and then he started kissing me. And I swear it was the longest kiss in the history of my life. His, too, he said.

    *le sigh*

    Communication with this guy is totally spot on. He never makes me feel weird or awkward or left out. He keeps me informed. And most of all, I just feel so good when I am with him. I know that he likes me, and I’m not questioning it at all – it just makes sense.

    He wants to see me and he lets me know it. He doesn’t mind driving over and hour in traffic to see me. And he even brought me a special gift – it was a joke, but it was still a gift. 🙂

    Wow. I am liking this so much. I am having a really good feeling about it….

  198.  #198Lena on March 5, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Hi all…

    I screwed up… Yesterday I met with A. We had a nice dinner, talked a lot. I felt I am connecting to him. Than we wanted to go elsewhere. He brought me to some place to meet his friends. While we were waiting in the car he started kissing me again. Than said if we can go somewhere in a hotel… Get a room. I felt very awkward and said I cant. I tried to explain him that I am not ready, that I need to develop feelings for that. He asked if I have any for him than. I couldnt answer. I dont know how to explain such things at all. He was very upset and suddenly “tired”. I said he can take me home, I am ok to go home. I felt bad though. He asked me to stay a bit and we met his friends. Before they arrived he was asking about my family and my dad. I dont like to talk about it because I was abused by my dad a lot. I told him that. It made me feel even worst and in the end I just end up chatting and drinking with his friends… I was tipsy already when we went home. I think it really all hit me bad because I started talking nonsense… He brought me home and was cold to me. And all I really wanted is smth sweet and nice… He started kissing me again and asked again to go with him. I think at that point smth snapped in me. I agreed so it will be done. It felt weird. I was offering to go talk somewhere he would say – we talked already a lot. I felt cornered. I didnt want him to go like this. He looked spaced out and distant. So I agreed. He brought me to some motel. It was weird, fast and…cold… After that he hugged me, tucked me in and prepared to sleep. I felt terrible. It was all ruined. I was thinking about my kid and how she will be scared if she wont find me home. I slowly stood up, dressed up and went out. He went after me, asking whats wrong. That everything was ok awhile ago. Than he brought me home and I was talking and talking.. About this girl of his, about me feeling bad, about he will leave me now… It was horrible. He brought me home again, hugged me and said that I should sleep. I couldnt at all. I apologised to him for God knows what and I feel so so bad right now. I feel that he doesnt care what is going on with me. That he didnt listen to me. I am angry at myself.

  199.  #199Tiffany on March 5, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    …Meanwhile, I am so stressed about work. At the new place that hired me, the schedule is always changing, and my boss is chronically late – for everything. And I’m not talking 5 minutes late, here. I’m talking, if she says she’ll be there in 10 minutes, it’s just as likely she’ll be there in an hour, or more. It’s insane, and it is royally testing my boundaries, my patience, and everything that goes around that.

    And I am concentrating so much energy there on being Zen, so I can deal with my new boss + scheduling issues, not to mention serving clients, that my own schedule is suffering.

    I suddenly had several private clients requesting appointments, and I had so much to juggle this past weekend, that I actually goofed and made a major mistake. A mistake that not only affected me, but someone else, as well – another practitioner.

    I was so embarrassed and so ashamed that I actually acted unprofessionally about it, and I feel bad about that, too. But not as bad as about the fact that I made a huge oversight to begin with.

    Ah, but I’m repairing the damage, as best I can.

    And my mom is also jerking me around. She knows I’ve been having a hard time, financially. but her idea of “helping me out” and “giving me a lot of money” is to put $50 in my bank account. That’s great, but it doesn’t help me in any meaningful way.

    After I talked to her, in January or February, she actually suggested the idea of “investing” in my business. She observed that all new businesses need some type of investment. And she indicated that she believed in me and thought i could succeed, so she wanted to be that type of investor. Except that after making these overtures, she then backed down.

    She started giving me excuses of why she doesn’t have money to give me. And she wants to negotiate my needs to below the level of where they really are.

    As a kid, she always used to tell me that “everything is negotiable.” What she doesn’t realize (or that I didn’t realize) is that she was always negotiating with MY stuff. And she STILL IS. So now, if I tell her – Hey, Mom, I need help with X, Y, and Z. She’ll try and talk me down. She will try and give me reasons why I DON’T need help with those things. Or why I don’t need those things that I need. Or she will propose to give me less than will be actually helpful.

    This is how she maintains power over me. By being alternately supportive and destructive. By promising just enough in such a way that leads me to believe that I will actually receive what she has promised – and by initially following through. But after that initial installment of trust, she backs up.

    She starts making me jump through hoops, to receive the reward she promises to give me. And then, after I’ve run the circuit like a good little circus dog, she inspects each of the hoops (that she set up) and finds some flaw in the design that makes each one of my jumps unworthy and yields me totally undeserving of the prize she promised me for doing a good job.

    No wonder I feel defeated. No wonder I feel unworthy. No wonder I feel unprofessional and like a failure.

    It shames me so much that I am still under her thumb, and I can’t seem to get out. No matter how much I try, I keep going back and becoming shamed, more and more, and more, because I just can’t seem to support myself enough to have my basic needs met – and, truthfully, she doesn’t really seem to have any interest in having my basic needs met, either.

    That hurts me. It really hurts.

    I feel so good that OM likes, me. I really do. I appreciate it so much, because it is honest and genuine and fun. I wish my own mom could like me that much. And yet, she doesn’t. She only seems to want to control me, and gaslight me, and make me feel like a crazy person. I hate it, because it’s like my feet are always on shifting ground.

    And then I never know where I stand….

    Thanks for letting me rant. This crampy siren is going to sleep now…

    good night. xoxo

  200.  #200Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:19 am

    Great date Tiffany, it was a pleasure to read it. BTW it was me that christened him Orchid Man. 😀

  201.  #201Emerson on March 6, 2012 at 12:21 am


  202.  #202Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:24 am

    #198 Lena

    I am no expert Siren here, but it seems you made boundaries for yourself, then didn’t honour them which is probably why you are feeling bad, but don’t beat yourself up – baby steps remember?

    Seems excess alcohol was involved………..

    I am sure somebody will be along in a few hours to help you, it’s 8.30am here in the UK and I find the Sirens start to appear about 12 noon my time.

    {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

  203.  #203Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:30 am

    Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
    Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking.
    Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice.
    And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become.
    Everything else is secondary.”

    – Steve Jobs –

  204.  #204Lena on March 6, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Thank you Silver Moonbeam…

    He txted me this morning as if nth took place… I feel so bad right now… I dont know what was all that with me…

  205.  #205Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 1:33 am

    Good morning SMB! Have you seen http://www.bodyrock.tv/ ?

    I’ve had a quick look and one of my friends is doing these. I’m going to take a better look and might give it a go and alternate with Insanity! :))

  206.  #206Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 2:00 am

    Lena don’t judge yourself. Consider every moment a new day that you can start over. Look at all that happened, try to do it from moment to moment. See for yourself where you did not take care of yourself fully, see where you abandoned yourself and make a commitment to yourself to take care of you better. You get a second chance of standing up for yourself. In the midst of everything you seemed to be still aware of what you actually wanted to do. Give love to yourself.

  207.  #207Lena on March 6, 2012 at 2:03 am

    FM – HUG…

  208.  #208Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 3:02 am


    also, it sounds like he does care about you. Men don’t always express themselves the way we want them to (or it may be different from your dream) but it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.

  209.  #209Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 3:06 am

    Thank you Sensual!

  210.  #210Sassy on March 6, 2012 at 3:30 am

    I need help. I was contacted by a man I met a few months ago for drinks this weekend, and now I can’t stop judging myself because I feel out of control about hearing from him. We met on new years and had an evening of kissing and fun, and then I heard from him in the middle of the night, but did not respond until the next day. So he is clearly not a real candidate, but I feel like I was encouraging enough. I feel triggered with control issues. Here Is the stream:

    Him: Hello Michelle, xxxx here, remember? Interested in meeting up for hh?

    Me (very shortly after): Hey xxx! Thanks so much for the invite, but I am in NYC for a weekend. Perhaps I can have a raincheck….

    Him: Sure thing. I am on spring break this week, eye of the storm 😉

    Me: No cancun ;-)? I hope the first semester is going well!

    Him: Our city is the new Cancun dontya know?

    Me: I always get tatortot hot dish at the taqueria!

    Him: yummy

    Me: I know! Ok, off to dinner in the big city. Have a great night.

    Him: I am a little jealous, have fun

    So why do I feel like I should have told him to call me when I get home? This man is 40 and back I’m school. We had a fun hookup once, and then he called me in the middle of the night, which was entertaining. Then he asks me out last minute, and I am still worried I was not receptive or responsive enough. Life i should have said when i was back or to call me this week. Please help me with your thoughts?

  211.  #211Sassy on March 6, 2012 at 3:31 am

    Oops, he called me several weeks later in the middle of the night, and I feel like I was NOT encouraging enough.

  212.  #212Sassy on March 6, 2012 at 3:33 am

    Typing on iPads is bad news sorry for the typos. You get the jist!!!!

  213.  #213Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:54 am

    Good morning sirens!!

    I’m still a goddess this morning! Whoohooo!

  214.  #214Turquoise on March 6, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Good morning sirens,

    Ouch, menstrual cramps. But, I did get a good sleep, and my self pampering last night has me feeling soft and smooth. I am also feeling better, not like the stomach flu is coming. I really wish I could stay home from work today though…. would feel so nice to just relax and get caught up on some housework. But, I can’t. I need to save taking days off for work when I really need to, or at least when my budget isn’t tight, like it will be this month. So, I’ll be responsible and go to work. Think I might take my heating pad though. It’s so cool, it’s clay and you can put it in the microwave, and it stays warm for about 30 min. You can also put it in the freezer.

    Time to get CV off to school. Be back in a bit.

  215.  #215Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Yay Lizka, doesn’t it feel good to take the time and focus on you 😉

    I feel like I missed that chance yday lol. But I guess ok, there will be other chances.

  216.  #216Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Oops… Goddess is gonna be late because of her cucumber slices… Thank you for the idea Turquoise! It’s better this morning! You’re de cucumber goddess! xoxo

    Yeah Memulo, there is other chances… like today! Today you’re a goddess!

  217.  #217Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Hi Turquoise – crampy buddies! lol

    It’s 4:30 a.m. here, and my cramps woke me up a while ago. I thought I was going to get off easy this time – not so much! Just been hanging out on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and eating ice cream.

    Thank goodness OM got me some ice cream, too 🙂

    I even told him I had cramps. I guess that felt brave to me, since I usually don’t mention it to guys. I don’t want to gross them out or whatever. But basically, I told him that the wine he brought was helping. So he said he was glad it helped. 🙂 Besides, it’s a reality of being female, so it’s not like it’s unusual or something….

  218.  #218Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 4:37 am

    Thanks for the hugs, Emerson!

    And thank you, Silver Moonbeam 🙂

  219.  #219Lena on March 6, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Hi, Memulo

    Thank you…

    I had this pattern before with others – me talking about my fears so much – they could never understand and eventually they were turning numb to all that.

    I understood today that I am afraid to live. If smth goes not as I planned it – I collapse and feel totally frustrated. I mean we already felt good in each others company but I had this picture how it has to be… All the courtship… And for him its simple – he just wanted me and it didnt mean thats all he was considering in me…

    He told me today that he had a bad day and was late for work. I said that I feel horrible too and we agreed that it was really wrong to stay up so late. I could still feel a lot of coldness on some reason. Like he was than at the car when I said no to him. And it scares me like I screwed it all up. I was thinking how I can make it better but couldnt think of anything at all. I think I scared him and scared myself too. I dont know how to deal with my fear. Maybe someone has any suggestions… I am scared of everything – if he will tell me smth, or not tell smth, to stay, to go… To tell him smth, not to talk to him at all…

    He is also that type of a guy that is more like between hot and cold… Or my fluctuations do it to him… I remember when I told him drunk already if maybe we should stop seeing each other. I felt he got upset. But all he said is – its up to you. I am just here. Guys I met before were not like this and I dont know how to read him at all. On some reason – I just really like him… though its very hard for me to be with him.

  220.  #220Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 4:46 am

    When I realized I was going to get my period yesterday, the day OM was coming over, I was a little bit bummed. But overall, I’m glad. In one way, I figured it was a safety net, in case I started to feel “frisky.” (because I don’t “do” that.) But as it turned out, I don’t even think that was an issue. As I mentioned, it didn’t feel at all like he was trying to get me to go in that direction, period or not. That felt good and safe to me, and I liked it.

    Only the weird thing was, when I woke up, and walked out of my room, I had this weird sensation as if we had actually had sex. But then I figured it was just the fact that he had been here, in my house, which was new. Or it could have been the extra, extra – extra long kiss.

    Did I mention it was really long? No joke – it went on so long, that I actually got the theme song from that “Big Red” commercial, back in the 80s stuck in my head. (You know the one!) Yes, the entire ad started playing in my head while we were kissing. Lol!

  221.  #221Turquoise on March 6, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Awww Lena…. just take a step back, a few deep breaths and try to clear your mind. It’s going a million miles a minute. You can’t fix or control. But you can shoo those negative voices away and remember that he is just a guy. And he is a guy who pressured you to do something you didn’t want to do. It’s perfectly normal to feel badly about that. I’ve had that happen to me too. Then our vibe gets all out of whack and we don’t know what we are doing. I’d try to figure out what you’re feeling, and then when he calls, use your feeling messages. Overall, guys want to make us happy, if they can’t, they feel like a failure. If you can express that you do like him, you enjoy spending time together, you are attracted to him, and that you feel overwhelmed, wanted to take it slow…. it will all come out right. I’m not the best at feeling messages, but you can tweak those to fit.

  222.  #222Turquoise on March 6, 2012 at 5:01 am


    Sounds like it’s going well, and that you are happy! 🙂 I’m glad he brought you ice cream!


    SO glad it came through for you finally! What a relief!!!!

    Silver Moonbeam…. HI over there! I’m still conjuring up your American dreamboat, I’ll share him in a few days. I can say that he’s 6’2 with salt and pepper hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and he has a tiny bit of a southern accent, but not overly so. He’s from Texas, but not the rural part, big city. That is all you get for now! 🙂

  223.  #223Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 5:03 am

    Hi Lena –

    I read your previous post, and it struck me, too. I’ve been in situations before where I said “yes” to a guy who wanted sex, even though I wasn’t really into it – but I convinced myself that I was. only later on did it occur to me that there were other options, and I could have found a way to say no. Somehow in the moment, going with “his plan” seemed the best way – like he somehow knew something I didn’t. But it never really served me to ignore the big message that was coming from my gut (i.e. “no”). And of course I never connected with those guys, because I resented them after the fact.

    I certainly don’t know much about you, or about your situation. But because I know I have (or do) struggle with some of the same things, it reminds me of “codependent” behavior. And I’ve shared on the blog here before that I’ve actually started going back to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings in my area. It helps me SO much, even though I don’t make it every week. But seeing other people who are going through the same struggles, and realizing that we are all just people, with our own histories, and figuring out how to be who we are – even as adults – it’s very inspiring. It’s just one resource. One avenue.

    And I was reluctant to go, because I didn’t want to “label” myself, or, I suppose, even admit that I had a problem. But codependent behavior starts early, if that’s a pattern in your family. And it can be very hard to break out of those patterns. But when you find yourself bending your behavior to fit the needs and desires of another person, and ignoring your own needs/desires, not being able to say “no” effectively, and trying to “fix” whatever goes wrong (even if it wasn’t your fault) – those are typically clues to codependent type behaviors.

    I am not saying this because I want to label you in any way. I don’t know everything about you. All I know is that a lot of these types of issues have come up for me as well, and it’s helped me so much to realize that I come from a codependent family, and that it’s not my fault. But it IS my opportunity to get aware of it, and at least make an effort to change my behavior so that I can be more comfortable with ME.

    And for that, self-care (like FW said) is always the place to start. It’s also the hardest thing to do when you are so used to taking care of other people. I am still working on it. But you can start small, and with an intention. And definitely by forgiving yourself, first. Because you are only human, and even if it was a ‘mistake,’ it’s not the end of the world. You are still a siren goddess – even if you don’t feel like one 🙂


  224.  #224Lena on March 6, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Hi, Turquoise

    Thank you for your reply:)

    I agree I just have to step back. As for FM – I txted him this am after all this thing… And maybe I shouldnt at all but I was going nuts at that time… I told him I wasnt ready and we can do so much better than…this. That I did it because I saw it made him upset and I wanted to make him happy… I told that I wanted a bit more courtship like any girl and just to plan it so it will be more better for both of us – to enjoy it… Not like we are going to some motel in the middle of the night, both tired and me drunk. He doesnt drink. He didnt reply me on that… And I am scared to repeat it… Because I am generally scared to express things – I kinda cant put it in one sentence – I tell a lot and I could see how some people literally try to figure out where I am going with it.

    I have no problem telling him that I like him – he said it to me too. First. There was this moment when he hugged me after… all this “making love” and it really felt safe in his arms. For a moment. Than my head kicked in. I think it upset him that I silently sneaked out. He saw me dressing up and didnt make a sound when I was doing that until I didnt start to walk to the door. I dont know if he feels bad about all this forcing thing or its nothing to him. I dont. I guess it wasnt really a big deal for him because it didnt mean anth bad…in his eyes… he didnt mean anth bad at all. He saw tears in my eyes and I could tell he couldnt stand it.

    Sometimes I feel weird that I am so hypersensitive to all. That I should be more tough… Not to worry so much… Its just hard sometimes to stop this terrible rollercoaster in the head…

    I think I should just leave him alone for now… I guess it all overwhelming for him… For me too. If he will come around, well I will be happy. If not – will have another bruise:)

  225.  #225Lena on March 6, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Hi, Tiffany

    What is codependent behavior?

    I have no access here to such groups. Maybe there are some online?

    I noticed that I really have a hard time saying “no”. Why exactly – I cant understand. If to take this one example. I was very firm not to have sex until I wont feel safe with him. I just know how bad I will feel after. But when I saw his reaction – this coldness – I didnt know what to do. I felt like I ruined it and that I am making a big deal where it shouldnt be. Sort of that… I got scared to loose him I guess too. Though I dont have some deep feelings for him as of now. I am also not that type that needs sex or obsessed with it… I mean I can control it.

    As for taking care of myself – sometimes I feel I am too selfish. That I should think more of others. But I think you are still right because other things fit into the profile.

    Thank you for your kind words – they really help to feel a bit better…

  226.  #226Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Feeling gratitude. For my dear girlfriend, who loves the country as much as I do, who drinks in its air like water.

    For running into one of my sweet guy friends last night and getting a comforting hug from him.

    For sunsets. For cool night air. For cold blueberries in organic vanilla yogurt.

    For the guy at the hat shop, who fixed my cowgirl hat even though I didn’t purchase it from him, and taught me an inexpensive technique to keep it stiff and correctly shaped.

    For feeling freshly showered. For new inexpensive and yet lovely earrings. For piping hot green tea this morning.

    For a new day, to break old patterns and to feel surprised…

  227.  #227LiliBee on March 6, 2012 at 5:46 am



    He probably doesn’t know how to read you either.
    Alot of men feel most comfortable connecting through sex.

    I went through the exact same situation with a guy I dated.
    I did not feel comfortable, I was confused. I didn’t know wether it was just me frozen in fear or that there was really something wrong.

    You need to sink into your feelings to get to know them and honour them.
    Most likely you don’t trust your feelings, maybe you don’t recognize your feelings.
    That may be what is confusing, thus confusing him.
    Your confusion is making you hot and cold.
    That most likely may be why he’s hot and cold, he doesn’t know how to read You either.

    We need to sink into our feelings to connect with ourselves and gain clarity.
    Only then can we communicate clearly to someone else…even if what we feel is confusion, we can recognize it and communicate it ‘clearly’.
    What lies underneath the confusion is often ‘fear’.

  228.  #228Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Lena, just google codependency and I will get a lot of resources and info from the internet.

  229.  #229Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:47 am

    I feel really bad now.. Yes it sounds like I am codependent! I feel that he keeps on testing my boundaries and I am failing each time because of this.. I don’t know if there will be any more chances left.

  230.  #230Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 6:28 am

    I just wanted to share one thing that was great, that I remember from when I met OM at the wedding, two weeks ago.

    When we all sat down to dinner, there was a bit of a seating mix-up. The woman who brought OM as her “friend date” was assigned to the table that I was at. But someone had forgotten to make a place for OM. So I came back from the bathroom, and he was sitting in the seat next to me. That was kind of fun 🙂 His friend, who brought him, went and sat at another table.

    But later on, before the meal really started, they found a place to sit together. For a millisecond, I was about to feel disappointed. But instead, I just looked at him and said, “Okay, talk to you later!”

    Throughout the meal, other people came and sat there. My friend, who drove me. OM’s date. And OM for a little bit.

    And for the rest of the evening, he kept coming over and making an effort to talk to me. I just thought it was great, because I think it turned out to be the best thing I could have said. I didn’t freak out or try and make anything different. I just accepted it.

    I was the first person to suggest that we go and dance. But that was totally okay. I am the dancer, after all 😉 and later on, he took my hand, and led me out on the dance floor. What a great time. Okay, I’ll stop blathering about this. But I hope we continue to have great times…:)

  231.  #231Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 6:32 am


    Forgive me I am a bit bitter today-) Yes, it is great to have a great connection and a romantic magical start. I wonder where it all goes after a couple of times of spending a night together

  232.  #232Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Hi Lena –

    The opposite of “codependency” is “interdependency,” if that gives you some idea.

    codependency means that you basically rely on someone else to give you your sense of self. this can arise for all sorts of reasons. But it leads to a lot of unsatisfying relationships, and a diminished sense of self. (and yes, feeling “selfish” for taking care of yourself is a big part of it….)

    You can definitely google “codependency” to find out what other sources have to say. And if you look up “codependents anonymous” (it might be coda.org, but I’m not sure), they have a meeting finder, where you can see where the nearest meeting would be by zip code or location.

    CoDA is a lot like AA, in that they’ve adapted the 12 steps to fit codependency (because it really is like an addiction). And they are all participant-led and run. So it’s very low-key. Basically, if you find a meeting, you can just show up. And I’m sure that they have more info and resources online as well.

    And of course there is always the blog. We are here to support you! 🙂

  233.  #233Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 6:41 am


    So how did you break from this pattern? by sinking into your feelings and trying not to feel ‘selfish’?

  234.  #234Tiffany on March 6, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Hi Mem! (Memulo;)

    sorry you feel bad! I hope I didn’t make you feel bad… 🙁

    Yes, a lot of things start magically in the beginning. That is actually what I observed to a friend of mine. I was feeling all googly about the fact that OM was chatting me first thing in the morning and such. but then I had to recognize that a lot of guys do that, and they will be all cute in the beginning (like K was, for example), making lots of contact to trying and establish the connection, but that doesn’t mean it will last. The real test is to see if it keeps going.

    About spending nights together, I don’t know if you were talking about you or me. :/ I haven’t spent the night with OM yet. We’ve had a couple of dates, plus the wedding, and that’s it. It feels good. But it’s definitely still way in the beginning. So we’ll see…

    Hope you’re okay!

  235.  #235Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 6:52 am


    Thank you. Yes I was talking about me in terms of spending time together-) Yes, this is what keeps on happening to me: lots of contact at the beginning, lots of beautiful meaningful words and then withdrawing. Do you know how to deal with this?

  236.  #236Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Ok, I feel that I am loosing interest. This lack of communication makes me feel turned off. I deserve better than wondering what’s going on. it still hurts but I have other things to take care of now in my life.. it was an experience 😉

  237.  #237Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Lena – There are lots of authors who write books on codependency. I personally like Karen Casey.

    I am not a single girl, but it seems to me that Rori suggests that we set boundaries on when we want to sleep with guys that have nothing to do with them. It sounds like maybe you have a hard time setting boundaries with guys due to abuse from your dad.

    I think you feel bad because you knew you weren’t ready, but gave in, and you kinda gave up yourself, and reacted to it. He senses your reaction (not happy) and wonders what is wrong. I think we learn from every experience, and I think you can learn from this one.

    If you had that night to live over again, what would you do? You can do that next time.

    Meanwhile, not sure what will happen with this guy, but I think if you get clear about how you feel, and what you can do to help yourself feel better now, that will help. Also, forgive yourself. He wanted what he wanted and you really like him and gave in. I think it is important to stay true to yourself. And guys do respect you when you stay true to yourself (eg, not giving in so easy). And if he doesn’t he is not your guy. And staying true to yourself feels good.

    Perhaps if you need it, you can ask other gals on this blog what they say and how they think if they need to hold their boundaries on not having sex too soon. I held out for while a while with my husband when we were dating, and he married me. I can’t remember what I said, but he respected it.

  238.  #238Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

    I am forgiving myself. He came over and stood by me, and at that very moment I ran to the bathroom. I apologized to him for “ignoring him” told him I didn’t mean to ignore him. When I told him that, he said “he didn’t even notice.” Suddenly, I felt stopped up and uncomfortable and stupid. But, I’m not. You know what I am? Compassionate and communitive and attentative. I am replacing every negative thought I’ve had about myself with a positive one. I am done beating myself up, once and for all!

  239.  #239Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 7:39 am

    I meant to say communicative. I really like that word…

  240.  #240Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 7:42 am


    That felt very comforting to read 😉

  241.  #241Maria on March 6, 2012 at 7:43 am


    Took me a while to figure out how the conversation transferred to another posting. No way can I keep up, but it is a nice outlet for support when feeling alone.

    Hugs. Glad to be a trigger for you to express your own thoughts. I can understand lying next to someone and wondering if you should go and how you should do it. Or driving to work and wondering if you should talk with an attorney.

    Your comment about your husband giving you a kiss in the morning made me very sad, for the kisses are infrequent, and sometimes seem more for “public display” (ie at church when “offering each other a sign of peace.” ) He will sometimes reach out and be affectionate or intimate … I have been perceiving that as warm, but I had not until your posting recognized the real lack of spontaneous affection.

    Last evening was better as we could share time with our sons – dancing … an occasional effort on his part to get some exercise as he gets little or none. I have said before how much I enjoy it … maybe I should restate just that sometime today.

  242.  #242Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I feel so much more hopeful today, and a little bad about the dark posts I put on this blog yesterday.

    I went to my qigong accu-pressure energy healer last night. Once again, very amazing. I went in feeling very angry. And she could sense the trapped feelings stuffed in my gut. Interesting. Anyway, after she did her work, I felt so much better, and released a lot of that frustration.

    But she gave me a couple of tidbits last night that are relevant to Rori’s blog post, so I thought I would post them here.

    She said women tent to give themselves up in relationships. To stay in your own energy you need to do some activity everyday, for just a short time, that brings you joy, or brings the flow of energy. It must be something physical, like dancing, but can be simple, like knitting, as long as it bring you joy. And doing that small thing for a short time every single day will start to elevate your mood.

    So we brainstormed something for me and arrived at singing out loud and kind of dancing in my seat during my commute. Sounds goofy, but it does make me feel good. So on my way home, I turned on an oldies station that has a tag line like “songs you can sing along to” and sang in my car and did hand gestures to the song or moved my head, or moved my body in the seat. I did it on my commute today too, and it feels great.

    There were a number of other insights she gave me to about me, and it really lifted my mood. We talked about how your guy can say something that “triggers” you, and how one can always respond the same way, and it leads to the same end. She says to break that pattern, we need to respond differently, shake things up, just respond differently, even if that means you just decide in your head that it is his own stuff and you just let it go.

    I feel a lot more compassion toward my husband now too. When I got home, I talked with him about the thing that triggered me the night before, and he told me that he was not mad at me, but mad about something else. I just was there when he was feeling angry. And he snapped at me. So that was an interesting insight.

    She did agree that staying in the house all weekend is bad for me, and that I need to make plans to get out with friends. So, I will be making more of an effort to do that.

    Feeling so much better today. I really like this qigong healer I am going to. She is so intuitive. I feel like I am really going down a good path now.

  243.  #243Maria on March 6, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Thoughts anyone –

    I’m scheduled to talk with a work friend of my husband’s (he really does not have any friends with whom he is other than totally superficial – this is a guy with whom we have occasionally gone out together as boys are similar aged. He asked me for professional advice when he and his wife were having a rough patch, and have talked once or twice, but very honestly about my husband’s response to stress.

    Feels a bit uncomfortable as my husband would be upset and very embarrassed if he knew. I think it would push his jealous buttons as well. Keeping something secret seems wrong, so I may find some way to arrange for another time we all get together in order to soften the dynamic. Flip side is that my intentions are trying to gain some insight, to make others aware (I’ve talked with his family and his one “long time” friend and/or to figure out a way to have someone else be able to nudge my husband out of unreasonable and unfair behavior.


  244.  #244Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Maria – it is interesting that my post about kisses made you sad. He gives me a peck on the check as a ritual goodbye, and it is really important to me, but it is just a peck on the cheek, not a deep kiss. So 2 kisses was a big deal to me.

    He always gives me a hug when I come home too, and sometimes a kiss. This is slightly more affectionate, but like you we are lacking in the affection dept. Even the snuggles seem empty. But he does them so I guess I can give him credit for that.

    I think you and I have a lot in common in the neediness dept. That is really turning my husband off. And I did not even realize how needy I was being. I am trying to break that cycle now, and just let him be free to do what he wants and just enjoy what I can.

    The thing with the neediness is that it can make a man angry and he can’t even articulate why. But he can feel you pulling him to do something, and he doesn’t like it.

    I don’t feel like leaving today, which is good. I feel more compassion. I think my husband is depressed, partly from my neediness (and years of other stuff) and partly from his own stuff.

    I think it is cool that your husband danced with you. He was spending time with you doing something fun. That is good. Much better than ignoring or anger or whatever.

    Glad you are on this blog. Looking forward to exchanging posts with you.


  245.  #245Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 8:01 am

    @237 Thanks so much, Memulo! Love to you. <3

  246.  #246Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 8:02 am


    RE: #168 – What a beautiful, Sireny post! I love how you are taking care of your two daughters and treating them as beautiful Sirens! How precious! I really enjoyed reading your post! I feel so happy for the three of you!

    I hope you get all you want and need!

  247.  #247Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Maria – it seems like you know your husband would be upset if he knew. And secrets come out.

    I think that you should keep everything about your husband on a general level. It seems your instinct is telling you this is wierd. I would trust that.

    Perhaps you can just listen to this guy and give him advice and learn from him and ask general questions, but perhaps not reveal personal info about your hubbby.

    I guess I am just trying to interpret what you are saying back to you – if that makes sense.

    When I talk about my husband with friends, i am careful not to discuss it with our mutual friends.

    Gotta go to a meeting. Hope there are some kernels in there for you.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Maria that post about your husband and what you intend to do felt intrusive and disrespectful of him. I would encourage you not to. If anything I would look for a movie along the kind of theme that you are suggesting and try to watch it with him. The way our psyche work is that both of you will see yourselves in the characters of the movie. In Reconnect Rori talks about how when we help men to be better such as losing weight etc. we lose their hearts bit by bit. Basically we are communicating that they are not good enough and we don’t want them so we find ways to “fix” them.

    As you keep working on yourself and changing it is more likely to inspire him to change rather than you subtly finding ways to introduce help to him.

  249.  #249Dominique on March 6, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Hoepful and Maria – Wanting, adoring, loving affection from your men is NOT neediness. I would deem this basic in a relationship unless both of you don’t especially like it which is not the case.

    I understand neither one of you feel ready to let go for various reasons, but these relationships need some serious reconsideration.

    You may never get what you want from them. Can you live with this? Is finding someone who can fulfill your desires completely out of your range of your range of thought?

    I cannot imagine a life without physical affection and lots of it. I’ve learned to be more than okay with sparse word usage, for the actions are what really count at the end of the day.

    I feel so sad for you both. Sending you big hugs.


  250.  #250Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Maria – I hope these posts feel helpful to you.

    I think FW makes some very valid points. (She is wise.)

    You wrote this sentence: (I’ve talked with his family and his one “long time” friend and/or to figure out a way to have someone else be able to nudge my husband out of unreasonable and unfair behavior.)

    I have tried all sorts of things to get my husband to change too, and it is just futile. Getting friends in on the plan will be futile too. He can probably feel the pull and it will only make him angry. You can’t push him to change. He will only change if he decides to, an is inspired to.

    All you can do is focus on you. I wish I had a better way to explain to you what to do, because it is really hard when you have been married for so long and have all these habits and are feeling a lot of pain (at least that is how I feel, so I am imagining you feel the same).

    For me, I feel like I am finally figuring out how to focus on me. Finally finding ways to focus on making me happy, and getting myself centered. Took a long time to even figure out what that means and how that means for me. As you can see from my posts, am probably sort of at a turning point right now.

    The thing is, you really have to take your focus off fixing him. It just does not work. I had to learn that the hard way.

    Do you have Reconnect? I would really recommend that program.

    That is my 2 cents. Well, probably more like 50. Hope it was helpful. Take what you like and leave the rest.

  251.  #251Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 8:33 am

    FW and other sirens who have experience with Rori’s programs,

    May I ask you to recommend a program for me? Should I get Reconnect or rather Love Scripts? or a Toxic Man? Thank you.

  252.  #252Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Dominique – I appreciate your advice. If I was dating him, I would be gone. But I am married and it is hard to just walk away. I do finally find myself on the fence about leaving him. But it is hard to just leave. So I doing it slowly by planning other fun things for myself. Rori does talk about this in Toxic Men – about slowly leaving by planning fun things and building up your own life. If it seems like I need to leave at some point I will.

    I do feel like I need to take some responsibility for my behavior that has led to the way things are now. And then forgive myself. So I am going to work on me now, and even if things don’t work out for us, at least I will feel strong enough to leave when the time comes.

    The thing is, I was feeling so bad after I read Rori’s ebook that I was sleeping in the other room. I needed space. I was angry. I was fed up. I was angry at myself after reading Rori’s ebook and learning about all the things I had been doing wrong. I was just beating myself up for doing so much for him, while no one was focusing on me. And that last part made me really mad. Because I did it.

    And then recently I learned how much it hurt him that I was sleeping in the other room. I had not idea. I though I was just protecting myself (like going into my cave), but it hurt him because I was withdrawing from him. Relationships are a very weird dance.

    And yes, I could leave now, but I also need to learn some things, so I am not ready to leave just yet.

    Thanks for responding Dominique. I do read your articles and really appreciate your advice.

  253.  #253Starla on March 6, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Hi Ladies!!
    Just a reminder — you are the prize!

  254.  #254Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Memolo –

    I would buy Reconnect first. Excellent program. It teaches you about getting the right mindset.

    Love Scripts is great too. There is a love scripts for dating and relationships. You get a discount if you buy both. It teaches you what to say.

    Toxic is good if you always choose bad boys. If you don’t always choose bad boys, it is probably not the right one for you.

    I always choose good boys, and then turn them into frogs, so Toxic was not so valuable for me.

  255.  #255Dominique on March 6, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Hopeful – I wasn’t suggesting to just up and leave, just entertain the idea to see how it feels. All you can do is work on you, heal, find yourself, find your passions, take really good care of you. And in this he may heal along with you, or he may not.

    In this growth process for YOU, you will gain a wonderful clarity and just come into knowing what the best thing is to do, for you and for your family.


  256.  #256Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Dominique – Exactly! That IS exactly where I am at right now. Like I wrote in one of my earlier posts today, a wise woman talked to me yesterday about how women tend to lose themselves in relationships (or give themselves up) which is what I have done. I need to get me back. Whether I am with him or not, that is what I need to focus on right now. And I do think he loves me, we are both just hurting a lot right now.

  257.  #257Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Memulo my sense of you is that you are too other focussed rather than on yourself. You also seem to be too focussed on getting it right with the man rather than building your own self-esteem. As such I would suggesting getting Modern Siren and LoveScripts. I believe you could gain a lot from Reconnect also because it also helps with focussing on self so if in your shoes I would take two of the 3. The catalog will give you insight into what is in each program. I would take a look at that for myself and see what resonates with me.

  258.  #258Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Modern Siren is an awesome Rori program. In my opinion, it’s the core of everything.

  259.  #259Maria on March 6, 2012 at 9:16 am

    OK – so the verdict is not to call back to my husband’s friend – that if it feels a little funny to me, I should hold to that. His asking me questions was in the past a bit, and I reached out these times.

    I do see that my telling him or showing him where he has disappointed me triggers his feeling defensive and angry … in fact over the years he has expressed that I was “not supportive,” a thousand times, even when I felt that I was being so.

    I sometimes subtly point things out to him, because he has expressed that our conversations (much earlier in our relationship) were always about fixing me and never focusing on him. (His telling me how I was doing something wrong – sometimes I would even agree (or come to agree) with what he was saying, but it always felt overly critical.

    Given all recommendations, I’ll order Reconnect next. I want to reach out, I want to say I’m sorry for whatever I have done to this point that has made him feel unappreciated, but doing that just backfires, so I’m trying to learn another way.

    Femininewoman – any suggestions for such a movie?


  260.  #260Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:21 am


    I feel that I didn’t really make ‘mistakes’ with him, i.e. was in line with Modern Siren. he is still obviously loosing interest. I do feel upset and I don’t know what to do.

  261.  #261Maria on March 6, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Sorry “him” in last posting means my husband, except paragraph #1.

  262.  #262Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 9:25 am


    YOU are the prize! 🙂

  263.  #263Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Memulo, did you ever watch/listen to Modern Siren the whole way through?

  264.  #264Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Memulo, I hate the word “mistake,” but I think probably the big one you made was not CDing. You became singularly focused on him, which put pressure on him AND put pressure on you to derive what you’re looking for romantically from this one person.

    Modern Siren mantra (by Rori):
    Keep the focus on me
    Date at least 3
    Treat them all equally
    Until one steps up with the commitment I want.

  265.  #265Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:37 am


    I did but that was a while ago. I know that my next step is to focus on my life and forget about what he is doing but I am sure you know that it’s still hurtful and takes an effort to accept. And yes, I know, not just ‘the next step’ but always – CD, focus on yourself, strong on the inside, soft on the outside. Still hurts 😉

  266.  #266Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:42 am


    A week ago I was getting his texts saying: what do you want, what would make you the happiest? Since then we had one date and he did do exactly what I wanted. Then this text about my phone in the morning and no plans for another date since then.

  267.  #267Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Memulo, sorry I’m a lil out of the loop! Are you planning on “dumping” him?

  268.  #268Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 9:45 am


    On the 3 guys that I met at the club 2.5 weeks ago, I leaned forward a few times with one (Dicaprio). We are in contact but still nothing is happening… Or actually, he invited me than cancelled…

    The second I lean forward 1 time, it was the only time I talked to him since the party.

    The third guy, I didn’t lean forward at all, been very patient, and he is now texting me all kind of fun things… Hmm maybe an invitation is to come? That would be interesting…

    Leaning back rocks. I will no more lean forward. I just learned that men WILL NOT forget about you even after 2.5 weeks. The reason why I leaned forward with the two first, is that I thought they wouldn’t remember me… But the 3rd one did and I feel so surprised and it’s a good feeling.

    Lesson learned Lizka: Do not lean forward, they will remember you, you are incredible and unforgettable anyway!

  269.  #269Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Memulo how long have you been seeing each other?
    How is his financial situation?
    Is this the man with an ex and is going through a divorce?
    Is this the man whose ex is giving him a hard time about the kid and his schedule revolves around that?

  270.  #270Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Starla, right now it feels like he is the one withdrawing;) my plan is to CD and probably state to him when (if) I hear from him that I want to feel romanced, don’t feel this way lately and it’s a turn off. Any other ideas are very welcome;) There are only so many options that we have, right.

  271.  #271Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Memulo, you’re just dating and a week without substantial contact feels sh*tty when you’re focused on only one man, but actually totally normal, in my opinion. Are you CDing at all? I wonder if you can start seeing yourself more as the prize, and him more like this delightful little man who comes around sometimes to shower you with attention and affection.

    Rori says, “if he’s not in front of you, then he doesn’t exist.” I say, DAMN RIGHT!

    I keep asking about Modern Siren, because the whole program is about shifting your entire paradigm about dating relations and where you fit in to the big picture.

  272.  #272Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Memulo, 270, I wouldn’t give him any speech about not feeling romanced. I would just be open and receptive to when he is offering romance, practice the tools with him, and date other men.

  273.  #273Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 9:50 am

    RE 268 Lizka I believe that is good for you and everyone else to see. Cdating more than one and the possible results of our actions. They say that first impressions lasts so when you get an opportunity to make one, make it meaningful by being authentic.

    More than one guy has told me that when a woman leans forward and calls them they wonder what is wrong with her and what does she want. That is their cue to run and maybe the reason why no other guy wants her.

  274.  #274Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:51 am


    Yes it is the same man. His schedule is not that varied, I know it and it was easy to plan around it in the past. We’ve been seen each other actively for 1.5 months. Before that there were emails and phone calls. He did not sound like a womanizer, but what do I know, right. Last time he mentioned something like: I’m not a dating expert, haven’t been dating like what, 20 years! Another time he said that he didn’t spend a night with anyone for 2 years since he moved out of their bedroom a year before they actually separated.

  275.  #275Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am

    FW – I saw you posted this earlier in the thread:

    “I believe that whatever we focus on grows. It might be that you are focussed on finding something wrong. As if waiting for the next shoe to drop, as Rori puts it, so you find more dropping shoes.

    I am wondering what it would feel like to just trust, regardless of what he is doing, just trust that he will keep stepping up. I am experimenting with trusting without expectations. Just trusting that love is coming to be with me.”

    This is an interesting concept. Is this from Modern Siren? Or which program?

    I find it interesting that when I was in jello mode last week, and not able to have negative expectations, my husband was more talkative and kind.

    There is an author who writes self help books and in her books she often writes about waiting for the next shoe to drop, and in her life it does. One shoe dropping after another. I have read a lot about her life story and have often thought that since she says that phrase so much, she invites it into her life. Interesting.

  276.  #276Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 9:55 am


    I found that when you don’t call them on their c-p (and I am not good at it at all, never really done that), they respect you less. so maybe I should just say it?

  277.  #277Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Hopeful I learned those concepts in Rori’s Reconnect program.

  278.  #278Lush_Oasis on March 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Good morning, Sirens. Its been awhile. I hope all of you are doing well. I am here today feeling confused that I may be ‘judging’ [for lack of a better term at the moment] a CD. I thought I would RIF and see if anyone here had some other insight that may help me.

    CD and I met online. His profile said that he was 9 years older than me. This in itself is out of my ‘normal’ options, but I have been taking the idea that if I don’t change something then I’m not going to get better results. Besides, it was just a date; or two, right? Seems the date or two has progressed in to some intense feelings even though we’ve only been together for about 4 months now.

    In any event, on one of our recent outings, CD was talking with other people in the restaurant and I heard him mention his age. I didn’t say anything at the moment, but asked him last night that I felt confused sincce the profile stated he was only 9 years older but I heard the other day he mentioned his age which makes him closer to 10 1/2 years older than I am. I have never been in a relationshiip with someone that is this many years older than I am. With ths age span; he would be less than 14 years younger than my parents.

    Age is just a number; but I feel like I just met a brand new CD. I feel deceived and betrayed and don’t know if I’m over-reacting. Perhaps I’m upset because I already asked (near the beginning of our relationship) what day his birthday was. I would have thought that if he knew the profile was wrong that he would also have made note of it at the same time(?). Maybe its just me.

    In any event, I feel torn because this CD has been the most “step-up” guy in a long while. He is hard-working, loyal, and dedicated. He is the old-fashioned gentleman that opens doors, pulls out the chair, etc. and all without being asked, trained, or coached (or whatever else you want to call it).

    He initiates the conversations; texts; etc. He sends gifts / flowers for holidays – all without being reminded, etc. He’s freely expressive of his emotions and feelings. And, I feel relaxed and safe when I am with him.

    But, the whole trust and honor issue seems to be weighing heavily on me. If he keeps this from me now, what’s to stop him from keeping something else (more intense since age is not a huge ordeal) from me later? Am I just over-reacting?

  279.  #279Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

    So Memulo he is not yet divorced?
    Also what is his crap?

  280.  #280Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Memulo, i don’t want to offend you, but “crap” is subjective here. I don’t think he’s giving you any. If you were going to be honest and call someone out on their crap, your speech should go like this:

    “So i’m in an imaginary relationship with you, and have assumed exclusivity even though you’ve not offered commitment, so I’m going to need you to fulfill me romantically even though you haven’t offered to be the one and only who steps up to do that. What do you think?”


    But seriously, you don’t need to call him on his crap. You need to LIVE YOUR BOUNDARIES of being in search of your own happiness, which means dating other men until he steps up to be your one and only provider of romantic fulfillment.

  281.  #281Starla on March 6, 2012 at 9:58 am

    memulo, I might sound harsh but I want you to know I am getting this all from Modern Siren

  282.  #282Starla on March 6, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Also, Memulo, I just personally like you and think you rock, so I want you to have an awesome sireny dating experience

  283.  #283Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 10:09 am


    RE: #278 – Welcome back!

    Kenny would not like me sharing this, but when I first met him, he said he was 10 years older than me, when the truth was he is 13 years older than me. It never did set well with me. It did a lot to damage my trust in him. I held him in front of me at arm’s length for a good long while.

    Kenny turned out to be a rare one who is deeply honest with me. But what he did was a major red flag. He said in my initial writing to him, I put way too much out there about my expectations. He feared he would not have a chance with me if I knew he was beyond my 10 year cut-off limit.

    It remains a mar in our 12 year friendship, and I am happy to say he proved honest in most other respects, growing increasingly honest as we got to know each other.

    If I had it to do again? Would it be a deal breaker? Not necessarily, since all people lie to one extent or another. But I assure you, he was definitely lying and that is common on profiles. I even feel tempted to at times, because I’m 48 and I could pass for 38! But I don’t: I say I’m a young-looking 48. If I had my druthers, I wouldn’t post my age at all.

    After dating a man 13 years older and one 15 years younger, I don’t think age is all that important. What really matters is a person’s heart. And only time will tell you if his heart is going to be deeply honest with yours.

  284.  #284Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Lush hi. I am wondering what was his reaction when you called him out on it? Did he deny it outrightly?

    What do you sense he was covering up or his reason for telling you that?

    Do you know what his insecurities are?

  285.  #285Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Went outside to smoke with a collegue and I ran into ATW in the street. Definitely when you have the good attitude, the Universe gives you everything at the same time…

    I told my collegue (a woman) that I did not answer to last ATW’s last text (she knows the whole story or most of it) and she said he will most probably text me fain tonight.

    Hehe i feel happy because I am having a good hair day today and I took very special attention to my make up and he got to see me like that. 🙂 Fabulous me!

  286.  #286Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Yes FW, I learned the lesson. Make good impression and you won’t have (and CAN’T) lean forward and they will come to you anyway. The cute guy is texting with me for like one hour now and he seems pretty curious, asking a lot of question and making me laugh also. 🙂

  287.  #287Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

    How did ATW react to you?

  288.  #288Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

    “This Blog Is About How To Accomplish Personal Growth – To Shift Old Belief Patterns And Learn How To Live In Every Moment With Your Heart And Body – Through A Romantic Relationship With A Man
    And then, how those personal shifts can profoundly affect your relationship so it becomes an amazing, intimate, glorious, fully committed relationship.
    There are many processes and ways to do both personal growth and relationships.
    There are many techniques of all kinds, from visualizations and meditations to strategies for dealing with a man.
    What I offer you is the detail of a moment-by-moment experience of emotions and insights and images – so that if you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to basically reproduce my experience:
    My turnaround from a frightened, lonely woman who could not function both on an emotional level and a practical level in a relationship and so sacrificed my true self to what I thought would get me what I wanted in life but never did, to a confident, happy, intimately married woman who can both feel and think and Do and Be.
    A woman like you.
    All of the exercises and visualizations and meditations you’ll find in this blog and in my core concept called “Strong Surrender” are about romance.
    Either the man you have in your life right now or the man you want in your life right now will participate with you through your imagination. Using these Tools that worked for me and continue to work for me will get you as close as possible to experiencing an actual breakthrough into love.”

    Love, Rori


  289.  #289Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 10:39 am


    He reacted like everything was normal. Laughing and smiling and making jokes with me and my collegue. I tried to be as warm as possible even thought I felt the situation was a little awkward…

  290.  #290mali on March 6, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I wanted to ask you Sirens… what do you do when you’re feeling needy? Are there any specific tools I can use? <3

  291.  #291Lush_Oasis on March 6, 2012 at 10:53 am

    @Brenda #283
    @FW #284

    Ladies, I feel so happy to hear from you 🙂 Hope all is going well! {{{ }}}

    Brenda, I agree – that most people “fudge” a little here and there (especially with minor details – like age, apparently) and its not necessarily a deal breaker for me. I just feel torn because he didn’t mention it earlier.

    FW — our conversation basically went as follows.

    Me: So, I’m feeling confused … your prof stated your age was ## and I heard the other day you mentioned your age was ##. So my question is … when is your birthday?

    Him: The prof had it wrong and he didn’t change it in time. He is ##.

    Me: Ok. Thanks. (Side note: I didn’t want to over analyze or over-react or jump in his business. I was just thankful that he answered the question).

    Him: ## too old?

    Me: Its just a number; idk how to answer the question. (Side note: Again; I don’t know that its the age difference as much as feeling misled (?) up to this point)

    Him: Its 10 years … you could easily have a younger guy. (Side note: the younger guys I’ve been seeing don’t compare to this one by leaps and bounds as for ‘manning up’ to do the ‘boy’ things in a relationship that this one does without any hesitation)

    Me: I feel sad reading your comment that I could have a younger guy. We both have free will and at the moment I’m enjoying learning about you.

    Him: 🙂

    So … FW … to answer your question — I’m not convinced I know where his insecurities are. I know he’s had at least 2 marriages end for XYZ reason. I know he has family issues (mom; dad; siblings; etc.) that are completely foreign to me because I’ve not had to go through the same experiences he has.

    Do I believe that he blatantly lied about the age. No – I don’t believe so. I believe its an oversight that didn’t matter at the time. Its not the age that makes a person feel good to be with you; its how they treat you. If he and I are happy with one another, then I can understand that the age wouldn’t have been a topic. Yet, when I directly asked at the onset when his birthday is, I would’ve thought that it would have been a good time to clear the water. I wasn’t even aware that the age was wrong at the time.

    Hmm … :-s

  292.  #292Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Ohh FMs wirk like a charm!!

    We are just chatting for over an hour now and just joking and we ended up talking about the party and I say it was a fun night and I felt great seeing you there and all of a sudden the conversaton switched into going to see a movie together and that’s it, I have a date tonight with a sexy model!

    Go Lizka you rock!!!!!!!!!

  293.  #293Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 11:12 am

    @290 Mali – If I were you, I would ask myself, “what is it that I am feeling needy for? and can I somehow give those things to myself?” (((Hugs)))

  294.  #294Starla on March 6, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I feel nervous and cr*ppy because I just asked CF for a favor and i feel horrible terrible bad bad bad. it’s so triggering waiting for someone to answer me about a favor.

    The favor is a ride somewhere, and he’s been expressing concerns about his gas money…he won’t ask me for some, thank goodness, but i feel like i’ve done something awful just by asking.

    but I need a ride! and he is taking up my time with a date tonight, or else i’d take the bus over there.

    i hate this:(

    i’ve been feeling dramafighturge for a couple days now.

  295.  #295Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Lush Oasis,

    RE: #291 – I feel curious, on YOUR profile, what is the age range you state that you are looking for?

  296.  #296Starla on March 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

    he replied and said he would take me and it’ll be an adventure, haha.

    i felt so scared and triggered

    hugs to me.

    hugging my little girl.

    she feels so unworthy and rejected.

    she grew up being told she was ugly and deserved rejection by all her peers

    and you know who was the one boy who showed me affection and appreciation, when all our classmates were ridiculing me daily? CF!!

    My best friend asked me last night, “i bet if someone we grew up with ran into you, they’d want to date you now because you got so much hotter.”

    I told her, “actually, CF was 100% into me back then – he thought I was hot sh*t even when everyone else thought I was too ugly to even be friends with”

    <3 CF

  297.  #297Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 11:49 am


    Did anyone read a book ‘Men Who can’t Love’? It’s about commitment phobic men. Three phases: romantic beginning, shady middle and bitter end. They don’t leave you immediately because they can’t, they do have feelings for you. They leave you piece by piece. My feeling is that I am currently at the end of the shady middle/close to bitter end.

  298.  #298Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 11:50 am


    He won’t see me Living My Boundaries, he is disappearing and has no idea what’s going on with me.

  299.  #299Starla on March 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

    memulo, he will. When he’s asking you out and you’re already taken for the evening, or when he sees you’re not getting hung up on him, and he’s wondering why…

    Did you ever finish Modern Siren? I remember you saying your CD player broke.

  300.  #300Starla on March 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

    But your boundaries aren’t about him ANYWAY. That’s why you’re to be living them instead of telling him what they are and how he should respect them (since you won’t for yourself)

  301.  #301Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 11:58 am


    I went thru Modern Siren years ago. My player broke just recently 😉 I may not remember everything, except for the basics (above in your post).

    We both know, right, that there is no plan even about returning my call, let alone planning another date.

  302.  #302Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Memulo, it feels so frustrating when we don’t know when we’ll next be hearing from/seeing a guy. Ideally, you are going to be CDing so much and following your own passion so much that you won’t even notice him not calling.

    You can tell him how you’re feeling about the minimal contact, but I wouldn’t lean forward with it. Maybe next time he asks you out and you’re out together feeling relaxed. We can help you with a script for it.

    I think you’re putting far too much responsibility on him right now and it’ll only serve to push him away. I think if you put more responsibility on taking care of yourself, you’ll find that he steps up more. My experience has been that every single man does, and if he doesn’t, it’s cuz he’s any number of things we don’t want… in other words, they weed themselves out.

  303.  #303Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Memulo, do you have a cd rom on your computer? I think just a quick re-listen might re-align you and you’ll feel so much stronger. I can sit here and parrot the concepts, but only you can take them to heart in a way that is specifically meaningful to you. Plus even though I am just repeating what I learned, I am always going to color it a little bit with my personality (and therefore, beliefs). Could you listen to the program again soon?

  304.  #304Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    @302 Starla – thank you SO MUCH for this:

    “I think you’re putting far too much responsibility on him right now and it’ll only serve to push him away. I think if you put more responsibility on taking care of yourself, you’ll find that he steps up more.”

    I REALLY needed to hear this. Thank you!

  305.  #305Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    @294 Starla – remember, a man who cares about you LOVES to be able to help and serve you. It makes them feel needed and masculine. Focus on feeling his good-helping-energy. It might help you with anxiety with asking him for things in the future…

  306.  #306Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm


    Thank you, yes, I don’t feel like leaning fwd and sending an angry message when he is not even
    contacting me. The most I would do leaning fwd at this point is call again and ask how he is feeling, what’s wrong with him. But I don’t think I should do this really..

    About minimal contact – he has been contacting (texting) every day except for Sat. But he has been promising to call and did not and when I called last night to ask how he was feeling I just left a VM. So ‘on paper’ I guess it sounds more or less ok, except it doesn’t feel right. Plus I haven’t heard back after my call.

  307.  #307Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    #222 Turquoise

    Oh yes I am liking “him” already my new sweetie. 🙂

    I hope he’s not too much like J.R. Ewing lol!! 😀

  308.  #308Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Memulo, I know what you mean. He’s in touch but you don’t feel connected or important. I can’t emphasize how much circular dating will help you through this.

    Your NVs are trying ot run the show and make you un-sireny and needy. Circular date. And don’t pay attention to any man unless he’s making it worth your while. Siren!! <3

  309.  #309Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Here’s a question from Maria that I want to jump off of (I edited it a bit) …

    “l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man treats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – was he born with (or been given) a natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl? Maria”

    Here’s my answer:

    Maria – men treat women badly for lots of reasons. They’re angry and don’t know how to deal with it…they’re afraid…but it DOESN’T MATTER.

    If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.

    There are lots of old sayings about this… most of them are about blame and shame and fault – and I’d like to stay away from all that.

    We’re all here learning. We’re all feeling our way through our lives, doing the best we can, experiencing being triggered all the time and feeling the pressure of our old habits and traumas and fears. There’s just no point in assigning “blame.”

    It’s all about responsibility, and owning your experiences, owning your feelings, and being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can. Trying to “analyze” a man so you can “understand” him often leads to making excuses for him and does you no good…

    There’s a song lyric:

    “Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly…and I love you madly…you really have a hold on me…”

    When I think back on my love life – how this was me so much of my life – that I had no idea that a man I liked would truly want me – that the world was divided into men who wanted me that I didn’t want and men I wanted who didn’t want me (or only wanted me for now) – I see how this PAIN of love has been drilled into us.

    We were all raised on Torch songs. We were all raised on hopeless romance.

    We were all raised to not RECOGNIZE bad treatment. To make excuses for it. To find underlying, psychological reasons for it. To blame OURSELVES for it – as though we provoked it (like so much you can read about what people think about Rhianna and Chris Brown – that she somehow is responsible for what happened to her by “provoking” him).

    As a crisis counselor helping rape survivors – it was just heartbreaking to see (and experience) the self-blame and self-torture women who’d been abused and been at the receiving end of violence took on themselves (ourselves).

    We think things are our FAULT. And they’re not. There is no “fault.” Sometimes you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time – and sometimes the lesson (because you have to see EVERYTHING as a lesson in order to transform awful-feeling experiences into better-feeling one next time) – is to take better care of ourselves.

    The most major reason why we try to assign “fault” and “blame” is our need for CONTROL and MASTERY. When we’re in a situation that feels bad but we feel paralyzed and trapped and unable to move – the only way we can “compute” this in our brains is to say “It’s all my fault.” At least, then, we have some kind of answer.

    But it’s NOT the answer.

    This is subtle, I know – talking about owning and responsibility as DIFFERENT from fault and blame – but i want you to really GET the difference here, because it’s actually HUGE.

    So – if a man is treating you badly – In a “minor’ way by not being present when he’s with you, or not calling, or not following up, or forgetting things, or paying too much attention to other women in the room, so many other ways men distance themselves, or test us, or simply display their decision to not care about us properly…or in a “major” way with insults, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse and cheating…then instead of looking for “fault” or “blame” – just ask yourself:

    “Why am I here?”

    Just make this your simple process:

    1. Experience – actually, truly, totally experience how YOU feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.

    2. If it doesn’t feel good – notice it. Write about it. Speak it out loud to yourself – until you can put it together in words to speak it directly to him: “This doesn’t feel good.”

    3. Practice speaking this truth all the time – whenever things don’t feel good. This is NOT about whether or not he takes out the garbage or calls you often enough to suit you. This is not about his behavior. Not about what he does or doesn’t do. This is NOT about making a man WRONG. This is not about making YOURSELF “wrong.”

    This is simply about learning to quickly and honestly answer for yourself the question – “Why am I here?”

    When you can answer that for yourself no matter what’s going on – then you’ll get this whole, huge area we call “Boundaries.”

    Sometimes we are “here” because it’s what we’re used to. Sometimes it’s what we “think” is right. sometimes it’s what we were taught. Sometimes we feel “compelled” to be here because of a strong chemical pull to a man, or because we’re afraid to be alone.

    It doesn’t matter what the answer is as much as how deeply we’re wiling to be honest with ourselves and tell the TRUTH.

    I know many women, and have worked with many clients who KNOW they are trapping themselves in a bad-feeling situation, and yet simply will not move away from that situation. But, even though they’re not moving away from the bad-feeling situation and putting themselves into places where they have a better chance of experiencing good feelings – they are taking the baby-steps of answering the question – “Why am I here?” and really, really – as painful as it is – hearing the answer.

    In the end – it’s our choice, what we DO with the information we HAVE. And the only information we have is about OURSELVES.

    So – if you are “here” – and it doesn’t feel good – that’s where we start.

    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 12:40pm


  310.  #310Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    “Why am I here?”

  311.  #311Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    305 llama, thank you :):)

    It feels so challenging for me.

    Sometimes I think CF is my white knight, loving me and helping me when no one else would in the past. Like he was put here just to “fix” me. And then I think…that is a weird, unhealthy thought, haha.

    He sure can be knightly, though.

  312.  #312Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    @309 Silver Moonbeam – Thank you SO MUCH for reposting this. Impeccable timing for me! 🙂

  313.  #313Hopeful on March 6, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Starla, I love this too. Sounds the opposite of needy:

    “I think you’re putting far too much responsibility on him right now and it’ll only serve to push him away. I think if you put more responsibility on taking care of yourself, you’ll find that he steps up more.”

  314.  #314Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    “Sinking into your feelings”

    What does this really mean and how do you do it?

  315.  #315Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm


    Thank you.

    So no need for me to call again to save his life, right?

  316.  #316Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    hehe, no, memulo

    you seem very sweet! i wonder how you would see fit to turn all that sweetness toward yourself instead?

  317.  #317Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm


    This is a bit confusing to me, because I never chased him, never tried to ‘get’ him to do anything, was myself, was warm and open, and sincere, and still it’s not working.

  318.  #318Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    #258 Starla

    Yay!! Modern Siren is the only Rori programme I have so far and I found my DVD’s yesterday when I was unpacking my boxes from Oz. 🙂

  319.  #319Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    #263 Starla

    I know your question is to Memulo, but you know I know for sure I have only watched maybe 3 of the DVD’s 🙁

    I REALLY need to get into this stuff big time and stop skimming the surface…….

  320.  #320Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Sometimes men are not right for us but because we so want to be in a relationship we overlook thE early warning signs, we don’t ask the right questions and give ourselves over too early to men.

  321.  #321Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    #320 FW

    Oh so true.

  322.  #322Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Memulo, 317 – we chase with expectations. It is chasing in disguise.

  323.  #323Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I find that it is important to keep listening to the program over and over and over again.

  324.  #324Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I find that it is important to keep listening to the program over and over and over again.

  325.  #325Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Yeah Lizka you ROCK always remember that

  326.  #326Starla on March 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    oh yeah, one more really important thing, Memulo! It’s not that it didn’t “work” on him. Nothing is wrong right now. He’s just in his cave. You guys have been out on, what, maybe 10 dates tops? That’s not enough time, in my opinion, for a man to fall completely head over devoted heels, unless it’s a rare storybook case where all the stars aligned perfectly… i think it’s important to be careful or you’ll find you’ve pushed him away when it didn’t have to be like that.

    Rori talks a lot about men going into their caves.

  327.  #327lk on March 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    i’m having a lot of trouble… or none. hm

    i feel very sad & hurt & also very joyful & invulnerable.

    i read & think & it does not help. i feel bad & then i choose to feel better & it’s perfect & then again i fall again, counting & analyzing & strategizing & fixing & determining & assessing….

    i’m fundamentally alone, yet i exist only in relationship.

    i take responsibility for all the suffering & i forgive all the pain & i forget anyway & blame someone else for my own imaginary injuries again

    i take all the hurt out, but i can’t touch the other person, so i try to touch the other person, but it hurts to try, so i fill up again with pain

    i try to play King & decide who is Right & Wrong… i suppose i plan to kxll the “wrong” one…. but i can never tell, so my beauty devolves into endless, tugging, wrenching abuse. you are wrong & you are wrong & you are both wrong & i am wrong & we are wrong & if we are all wrong, who is right ? & we can never know because all we do is bicker…

    i ask myself, am i wrong ? YES, i hear, & also, NO

    i am so wrong. but i know that i am also right. i feel interested in the digging out my own heart.

  328.  #328Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    He just called and left VM…………………………………….

  329.  #329Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    He sounds very sick, coughing like crazy, asking me to call him back and saying that he misses me.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Going into their caves and rubberbanding

  331.  #331Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    @314 Silver Moonbeam – I take “sinking into your feelings” as really giving into them.

    I allow myself to feel whatever emotion I’m feeling, and then I just kind of “sink” into them. When you really allow yourself to let go and feel each and every one of your emotions, it really does have a kind of “sinking sensation” kind-of-feeling to it.

    I felt this sinking-feeling most powerfully when I was feeling really sad and tense.

    As I allowed myself to do this, I saw a man suddenly become mesmorized by me from across the room.
    If you want to see how you look when you do this, try sinking into your feelings while looking into a mirror. You can actually see the emotional expression on your face, and you’ll be able to recognize it. It’s really quite beautiful. And once you’ve given yourself permission to fully feel your feelings, you’ll notice that you don’t feel quite as “heavy” with them. You’ll feel lighter and more Siren-y. Give it a try sometime! 🙂

  332.  #332Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Memulo I would call back if he asked me to. Just dont jump immediately into caretaker role. Tease him a little about it if you can

  333.  #333lk on March 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    thanks llama-butterfly lol, i love your description of sinking into your feelings : )

  334.  #334Sun Goddess on March 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    So, LP calls on Saturday and asks if I could switch my babysitters day from Wednesday to Tuesday so that we could go out together. I was so excited and I made the change and now today he acts like it is a chore to go. I missed a call from him earlier and I fear he is going to cancel on me. If that is so then I feel so frustrated as I made all these changes at his request! My babysitter is coming in an hour and a half and I have no idea if this is still on!

  335.  #335Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    @327 lk – believe it or not, I feel like I really understand what you’re going through. It is my belief that we do ONLY exist in relationship. It is when we get out of the relationship with the Person whom I call God, that we feel alone and not-quite-real. Try praying. It really connects the you to You. See if it doesn’t feel as though you are whole again…

  336.  #336Iamabutterfly on March 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    @333 lk – thanks! hehe. 🙂

  337.  #337Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Thank you FW 😉

    Now it was my turn to leave a VM. I said that he sounded so charming on the phone, that I am leaving work in half hour and he’s welcome to call me.

  338.  #338Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Good things happen to those who wait…

    Poor me was feeling so lonely and cryin on my boring life and now everything happens at the same time and it feels so good and I feel euphoric!!

    So I got this invite for the Russian party for Thursday and I asked my Birthday friend if she would come with me. She’s not sure because she has to find someone to replace her at work. She haven’t reply yet. So in the mean time I asked the girl from Florida/hot yoga and she said she would come! Nice!! And she seems excited about it!!

    And this model guy from the clubs 2 weeks ago (will call him ModelCD since he’s now officially a CD!) texted me and invited me for movies!

    I’m gonna be a busy little siren this week playing on my rock amd not thinking AT ALL about ATW! So tonight movies with ModelCD, tomorrow I should go run because I didn’t for a while, Thursday I have dinner for my best friend’s birthday and than party with the russians with Florida girl friend and Dicaprio will be there. I took a vacation day for Friday so I can be hangover as much as i want and take care of me. I don’t really have plans for the weekend but it’s all good, I’m just gonna rest and run also and maybe gonna go back to hot yoga. And we’re only Tuesday after all, I might get more propositions!!

    ATW who?? o_O

  339.  #339Starla on March 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Do you feel any better/different now Memulo? This is a good time to notice your feelings so you can track them and use your patterns to your happiness’ advantage in the long run.

  340.  #340Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Starla, yes of course I feel more confident (yes I know, not a good thing, this should come from within), reassured and much tenderness towards him 😉

    Thanks for asking!

  341.  #341Sun Goddess on March 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Ok, now I feel silly for even feeling frustrated and upset. He just called and said we are still on even though he has a ton of stuff to do before tomorrow. I feel so much better!

  342.  #342Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Looks like I’m taking back control of my life. Very very good feeling!

  343.  #343Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Yay Lizka!!

    You may get more invites for the weekend at the party, that’s for sure.

  344.  #344Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Haha sounds like it’s a good afternoon for Sirens! Miracles keep on happening.

  345.  #345Sun Goddess on March 6, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Is anyone else turned off by seeing a picture of a man with another woman on a dating site?

  346.  #346Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Miracles happen!!

  347.  #347Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Memulo, of course feeling better is a good thing! I feel so relieved for you:) I just asked so you can make note of your patterns of feelings and what triggers them. Cuz worrying and feeling bad s*cks, but if we track it, we can learn and grow and feel happier from it all.

  348.  #348Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Alaska just emailed me asking if I was interested in dating him. That I seemed to enjoy myself the last few times we went out (I didn’t, and I spoke up for myself when things felt bad, but I was still classy), and since he never heard from me after, he figured I’m not interested, but the only thing he doesn’t like is “being led on”.

    I didn’t lead you on…you asked me out, I agreed, and then I didn’t have fun, and thank goodness…you never asked me out again

  349.  #349Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    seriously, it’s been 2 months since we went out

  350.  #350Shar-lean way back on March 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Memulo, I think the next time he ask when he can call I would respond with LOL that hasnt worked to well in the past so why dont you call when you can and I may or may not be available. Hope we connect soon. or something like that.

  351.  #351Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I want to be so snarky. But I am practicing feeling messages, BLAH. So I said to his long email “gosh, this feels like a lot to take in, but it feels like you’re saying you feel like you feel falsely led on by me. Am I reading this right? Please let me know if I am misunderstanding:)”

  352.  #352Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    243 Maria – I’m still catching up so not sure if anybody has responded to you, but I thought I’d speak up here because I’ve been in a similar situation.

    Firstly, you or anybody else, cannot change your husband. No nudging or even shoving will change a single thing. The only thing you have control over is yourself. So if what you’re doing right now isn’t working, then my suggestion is to try something else.

    And making him wrong (whether he is wrong or not), is also going to come across to him and he will instantly close down.

    Trust me on this – get out of his head and into yours, focus on yourself and basically get on with your life, and if he wants to join in, then by all means let him. Otherwise, your happiness definitely should not revolve around him.

    I’m not sure if what I said will help you at all, but being inside his head like you seem to be is exhausting. I know because I’ve been there!


  353.  #353Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Lol Starla 🙂

  354.  #354Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Shar/Memulo, what about “it feels hard to say exactly when a good time will be, but it always feels so good to hear your voice so I feel open to you giving me a try whenever:)”

    or something positive like that.

  355.  #355Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    okay he has replied that I didn’t lead him on at all. He was venting about other experiences he had with other people. Then he said he would love to take me out again.

    Then before I could answer, he emailed me again, saying “by the way” he really enjoyed bringing me breakfast. See, he had brought me breakfast to my office once morning, which was sweet and unsolicited.

    I feel like he’s trying to convince me to see him as a nice guy. The thing is, he’s not a nice guy…not my kind of nice guy. He took me for a hike and refused to help me feel safe on the steep, rocky climb, and made fun of me when i struggled.

    This guy feels like a bunch of games. I’m facebook friends with him and he always posts negative stuff about people, politicians, and women.

  356.  #356Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Hmmm ModelCD started saying we could meet at 8 or 9 pm. I said it’s too late for me, I need my beauty sleep on week days! So he said he could finish work earlier (cute!) so I said ok that sounds good. Than he said the LATEST 8 but most probably 7…

    But 7-8 is late for me too… So I thought that if he haven’t call me by 6.30 I would tell him I got cozy at home and bla bla but I feel bad because the guy finished earlier for me…

  357.  #357Starla on March 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    I wonder if I could tell him the truth…that I felt abandoned when we went for a hike and it made me feel like he wasn’t my type. That I’m an old fashioned girl and looking for an old fashioned sort of guy who will have my back and look out for me, and that is also why he never hears from me – i feel old fashioned and i feel more comfortable letting the man lead.

    i always respond when he emails, texts, calls…

    this guy has never met a real siren before?

    he’s 33. Maybe they don’t grow sirens in alaska, lol.

  358.  #358Lena on March 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Hi, LiliBee:)

    Right now I feel angry and hurt. And sad and lonely and cold.

    If I could redo the whole thing – I wouldnt go with him anywhere. I would just go home early. And let him be.

    I am also angry at him for not hearing me the first time I said I cant. I am angry that he didnt ask how I feel yesterday too. I feel turned off, disconnected and like I am trying too hard but deep inside I knew that I needed more time because he is hot and cold. I feel scared to talk to him about my feelings now too – I talked so much that day. But maybe I should and not expect him to stay… I cant do this to myself with him – this is not a normal relationship… I feel like running away right now and it hurts too…

  359.  #359Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    290 Mali – I tend to try to put my focus 100% on me, so I’ll just stop and look at my nails, or play with my hair or even go grab some moisturiser and put it on my legs. Anything to put my focus on me and not him.

    Hope that helps. Still trying to catch up so not sure what others have suggested! xx

  360.  #360Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm


  361.  #361Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Starla –

    Sirens must be pretty “cold” in Alaska…

  362.  #362Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    302 Starla – Wise words! xx

  363.  #363Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I usually take the metro and bus to go downtown. But because it’s late and it’s a week day, I wish ModelCD would pick me up to go to the movies.

    I feel scary because I am definitely missing practice for “asking”…

    What would be a good way to ask him to pick me up for the movies?

  364.  #364Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm


  365.  #365Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    317 Memulo – I think it’s in Reconnect where Rori says that even THINKING about the guy is leaning forward. He can sense you’re focused on him.

    As soon as you take your focus off him and onto yourself, he will pick up on that vibe.


  366.  #366Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Lizka, “I don’t want to take the bus/metro downtown at a late hour, but it’d feel good to get picked up. What do you think?”

  367.  #367Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Lizka – I am so glad to see how things have worked out for you this week! Yay!


  368.  #368Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Oh Starla it’s good! He can’t say no to that!

    But IN CASE he does say no? What do I do? I know I’m suppose to take no for an answer… but even to this one?

  369.  #369Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Thank you BW 🙂

  370.  #370Daria on March 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Lizka – if he says no, then you feeling message

    oh that feels bad. i feel like im not important

  371.  #371Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    haha if he says no then say something like, “ohh ok i don’t feel good heading out by myself like that to a date and at a later hour, but i’d feel open to spending time with you when you’re able to pick me up!”

    and then enjoy your night without him:)

  372.  #372Daria on March 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Starla – yeah!! 😀

  373.  #373Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    My god he will never call me back if I say such a thing but yeah it’s good.

    But he shouldn’t say no to that 🙂

  374.  #374Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    370, daria, i wonder if going into how it makes you feel bad and focusing on the negative is a way of NOT taking no for an answer?

  375.  #375Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    haha oh man i feel like a dumb rejected kid who desperately craves approval reading Daria’s 372.

    I have been feeling really unworthy and craving approval lately…it’s flying under my radar but it’s there.

    Anyway, thank you for the approval, it feels nice:D

  376.  #376Daria on March 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Lizka – you gotta say a message like Starla with a very open and loving voice, like its a WONDERFUl thing smiling the whole time

    like its great that he can come get you when he does have a car

    if you say somehting like I said, you will likely get into some deep and tricky stuff and risking an argument if you deviate from feeling messages in any way

    @Starla – it’s still saying “ok,” just also going for my feelings… often they do turn around their decisions around my feelings with this. its kinda subtle but its not taking no for an answer. its ike saying… “you have a right to whatever you want to do, but i dont have to like it, and this feels bad”

    basically it doesn’t feel to me like not taking no for an answer, but it could easily slip that way depending on whats said next and also the tone of it

  377.  #377Daria on March 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    *its kinda subtle but its NOT not taking no for an answer

    sometimes they turn their decisions, sometimes they dont. sometimes they just ae able to communicate to me so that i feel better about it

    in this case, if i feel unimportant, he’s likely about to be dropped out rotation so it’s really me gifting him an opportunity to adress it and stay in

  378.  #378Daria on March 6, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    i feel soooo rargh on fire na d turmoiled inside

    wooo wheee

    i want to heal my fear of communicating in conflict

    and my issues with my sister

    my taking the bigger person role and allowing myself to be treated poorly (omg i SEE it now writing that wow)

  379.  #379Starla on March 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Yeah, I agree, it isn’t NOT taking no for an answer, but you should be prepared to stick by feeling messages for the remainder of your conversation, or else it’ll just turn into not taking no in his eyes. Then we become nags and convincers. blech.

  380.  #380Ella on March 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm


    I have just designed my first ever e-mail based weight loss course and put the information up on my website.

    I have never done anything like this before and am not sure 100% how it will work yet.

    But what I was just wondering is whether any of you would pop across and have a look at the page and tell me what you think…

    Ie: is it appealing? Is the layout of the page ok and clear etc?

    All comments welcomed.

    Here is the link:



  381.  #381Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Looking now Ella! 🙂

  382.  #382Sassy on March 6, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    At the hospital waiting for the birth of my granddaughter. Feels exciting yet scary as they are inducing her. Looking to be a long nite,, sister sirens

    Much love

  383.  #383Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Ella, I have been internet marketing for several years now and have done a LOT of courses and have some amazing mentors. I do have some little tweaks to suggest to you, so shall I talk to you via a PM on FB? 🙂

  384.  #384Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Awww Saasy!! Sending you and the whole family very good vibes for the night!! Let us know when the new siren is born!!

  385.  #385LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Men know when to connect with you.

    I started leaning back and my phone has been ringing non-stop. But I’m still leaning back.

    CD song called and would not get off the phone. He wanted to talk until we felt a connection.

    But I’m still leaning back. I need time for myself. Or I need time away from him, from us. It’s love, but I’m not feeling it flow to me. I need to feel this.

  386.  #386LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Blessings Sassy!!!

  387.  #387LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm


    Your website looks great!!!!

  388.  #388Ella on March 6, 2012 at 4:17 pm


    Yes please!

    Thank you very much.

  389.  #389LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm


    I don’t have reconnect . . . thinking about him is leaning forward ???? oh darn!

  390.  #390Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Arrgg ModelCD stil isn’t out from dentist appointment… It’s already 7.15 and he said he would call me when he gets out but now it’s getting pretty late… I checked the movies and they are all about to start and the next are all after 9 o’clock… I don’t want to go to the movies at 9 because this mean I wouldn’t be home before midnight and this is WAY too late for me…

    Should I cancel? Or should I tell him movies at 9 is too late but it would feel good to do something else as long as I am at home at 11? That is pretty much rowing the boat I think…

    What would you do if you were me? There is no way I want to be home after 11. And 11 is even pretty late for me…

    He seems serious though, I know he will call me when he’s done from dentist… it just seems that it’s apparently gonna be later than initial plan…

    What to do?

  391.  #391Ella on March 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks Love Always.


  392.  #392Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm


    I believe thinking of him is leaning forward because ATW always calls me when I STOP thinking of him for just a few hours!!

    It’s hard not to think of them, but you can practice thoughts channelling 🙂

  393.  #393Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Typing message now Ella. 🙂

  394.  #394LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm


    “It would feel wonderful to go with you to the movies tonight, but it’s a bit late for me to travel alone on the metro. I’d feel more comfortable being picked up or maybe going earlier when I don’t have to travel alone at night.”

  395.  #395Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Love always, I can’t say “or maybe going earlier when I don’t have to travel alone at night” since it’s already late! lol

    And it’s even late if he picks me up…

  396.  #396LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm


    I feel like I’m sinking in thoughts of him. I try to pull myself out. I’ll try channeling. I know he can feel it, that is why I’m stepping away. I’m dropping to knees a bit these days

  397.  #397LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm


    LOL, okay, maybe change that up to say another day to go to the movies?

  398.  #398Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    “ModelCD, it’s getting late and I am feeling sleepy. I just want to bestay cozy at home now… I feel disappointed I didn’t get to spend time with you and I am open to do it whenever else where I will be able to be home by 11. What do you think?”

    How does that sounds?

  399.  #399Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Sassy, how exciting! I hope you get to meet bubba soon! xxx

  400.  #400Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Ohhh and now an old CD is asking me to go skiing with him!!!

  401.  #401Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 4:52 pm


    You are not saying anything unless he contacts you, right?

  402.  #402Maria on March 6, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    SilverMoonbeam –

    But for you paraphrasing what I have been saying, I would not have recognized that it was my question …

    Great posting … this whole process is being helpful. I hope I can keep up the gains … that has been my problem, but I guess 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is how life goes.

    Butterfly wings – they way you have voiced the “getting out of his head and into mine,” also is a powerful reframing … I am spending _way_ too much time trying to figure this all out when we have a bad spell. I end up losing the rest of the day, and sometimes more. The fear evoked by trying to figure out if he means what he says, and if he is really going to follow through is paralysing.

    I can go through and define at least part of why I stay, why I am in this, … I’ll put this down for myself in a while … it needs more thought. I want to start on Commitment blueprint though, and “mommy” tasks need to be addressed as well.

  403.  #403Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 4:55 pm


    Thank you so much for your support today, I want you to know that i appreciate it soo much! I lost it a bit today, was even crying while I was swimming, which felt a bit weird.. but my face was wet anyway 😉

    Needless to say that I have not heard from my hero yet.. yes, he did say in his VM that he wants me to call him ‘soon’ and he misses me LOL.

    Ok, I know that tonight is his night with the kid, so I guess he is keeping it despite of being sick.

  404.  #404Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Memulo –

    My original plan was to send him the message BEFORE he contacts me but he ended up texting me before I sent it. It went like this:

    ModelCD: I’m done and I don’t feel my face 🙂 let’s go at 9? We missed the early seance. I need 30 minutes to go home change and drop off some stuff.

    Me: What if we do it tomorrow instead? It’s gonna sound sissy but I really need to be home by 11…

    Me: It’s getting late and I feel sleepy. I just want to stay cozy at home now… I feel dissapointed I didn’t get to spend time with you and I’m open to reschedule whenever I will be able to be home by 11… What do you think?

    ModelCD: U r where now?

    Me: I’m home

    ModelCD: I think I want to eat but I’m afraid to chew my tongue 🙂 [because of the dentist of course]

    Me: Hahaha that must be so entertaining!!

    ModelCD: If serious [me serious? I don’t get it], yes tomorrow might work too.

  405.  #405Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    So we rescheduled the date for tomorrow and I am close to have a ski plan with another new/old CD for the weekend. My god I’M ON FIIIIIRE!!!

  406.  #406LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 5:06 pm


    Sun Goddess
    # 354

    Very turned off seeing a man with a woman in a picture on a dating sight. What should I be interested in about him? That’s distracting from the profile and the whole idea. I wonder if those women know they are on the dating sites??


    Yes, I agree. I have to keep listening to Rori’s programs over and over again. It’s keeps in focus. I downloaded them onto my mp3!

    # 290

    Tools when I feel needy:
    Riffing & then channeling (from my list)
    Dropping to my knees (“Sea” element modern siren)
    writing out feeling messages (kind of like journaling because I really write what I feel and realize in the end I don’t want to say that because I feel differently by then).

    In addition to Modern Siren, if you feel he is pulling away, Commitment Blueprint is an excellent program. It really helped me see my way through my break up with CDex and it keeps me refreshed on how and when to lean back. I’m going to listen to it tonight and tomorrow during my commute as well because I feel the need for shoring up my tools/practice.

  407.  #407Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:07 pm


    I think he accepted tomorrow. You could say ‘see you tomorrow!’ or ‘tomorrow I will be off at XX time’, but I like ‘see you tomorrow!’ better I guess.

    I know it is ending the conversation, but this way you’re confirming that you really meant tomorrow-)

  408.  #408Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    Thank you LoveAlways,

    I will have to find the way to listen to these programs hmm.

  409.  #409Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    I can’t believe it! I stop thinking of ATW and it’s raining men! Alleluia!

  410.  #410Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Frankly, I don’t know anymore if he is pulling away or just being himself. Perhaps I should have got it at MY PIANO message a month ago lol.

  411.  #411Lizka on March 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Oh thanks Memulo. I was feeling a little unsure so I said “So we’re good for tomorrow?” (not extremly sireny but who cares, I’m a super siren anyway) and he said “we’re really good!”


  412.  #412LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm


    Sizzle baby!

  413.  #413Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:18 pm


    If I am not mistaken, you already sent him a message this morning on how you feel, perhaps it’s time to take a break? And wait and see how you feel tomorrow or in a day or two? it sounded to me that you were very sincere and sireny in your message, so perhaps it’s a good chance to let him process it?

  414.  #414Lush_Oasis on March 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    @ Brenda #295

    Hey there. Your question was to know what age range I allowed on my profile.

    Because I was trying to be bold, daring, adventurous and to do something different to see if I get better results (the opposite of the insanity definition. ha!) … I opened the age range to be 10 years younger to 10 years older than my age.

    So, knowing that, his profile did fit my “preferences”.

    IDK … It seems like I’m making a bigger deal of this than it really is. Then another part of my NVs keep piping in that its much more than just “fibbing” on the age. For pete’s sake — you’ve been dating for over 4 months … wouldn’t that have been discusssed by now? Hmm.

    Anyway … thank you and FW for listening. I don’t feel much better yet but maybe in time I’ll figure this out.

  415.  #415Memulo on March 6, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Starla, I feel so touched and I keep thinking about what you said on putting/taking the responsibility and it really helps.

  416.  #416Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Lush, maybe he just likes you sooo much that he was afraid of losing you over the age thing?

    Or maybe he had totally forgotten about it and to him the age isn’t a big deal anyway, seeing as he fits in your age range anyway?

    But it doesn’t matter what he thinks or why he didn’t tell you sooner – what matters is how you feel about him, right? And from what I gather, it’s pretty good!

    xx 🙂

  417.  #417LiliBee on March 6, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    New thread up! See ya there!

  418.  #418LoveAlways on March 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm


    There are also some meditations on some of Rori’s programs that really help me when I feel needy. Not sure which ones you have (I only have a few), but here’s a list I use:

    On Commitment Blueprint,
    – Meditation by Virginia Feingold Clark (Section 2:10)
    – Artist of yourself (put on your outside how you want to feel on the inside – i.e., be romantic, sexy, happy, balanced, fun, enjoyable, etc.)
    – Christian Carter’s interview (his voice and words are soothing and give me hope)

    Toxic Man
    – visiting your stranger tool/exercise (not a meditation though)
    – Zoom out tool

    Targeting Mr. Right – Actor’s relaxation exercise

    Modern Siren
    – Circular Breathing (the shimmering one)
    – Heather Dawn relaxation/imaginary lover exericise
    – Ariella Forstein chanting meditation (fun)

    In Rori’s E-book
    – chapter 16 on finding your feelings – exercise pages 99-100.

    This is my list of meditation self awareness tools – in case of emergency, break glass 🙂

  419.  #419Lush_Oasis on March 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    @BW #416

    {{ }} Its great to hear from you. Hope all is going well for you.

    I absolutely agree with your comment that it is about how I feel about him — I’ll stretch that to include how I feel when I am with him — and age certainly has never been a factor in either of those scenarios.

    Yes, I feel comfortable with him … I feel happy … I feel safe, and taken care of (is that the right term, hmm) knowing that he will be there to make sure the night goes well. His age vs. my age in this scenario are not relevant.

    What concerns me is that I felt deceived when I realized his age was different than what I first thought and didn’t find out until just the other day.

    By RIFFing here, I am working through this though and appreciate your feedback. 🙂


  420.  #420Sun Goddess on March 6, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I just got back from a very fun date. I won $55 at the casino and am no longer sexually frustrated!! Couldn’t have asked for a better night! 🙂

  421.  #421Femininewoman on March 6, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Memulo that is the pattern of behavior for some guys so it is actually being themselves. In the face of anything emotional some guys just go in their caves to process. I have a friend who does that even with his boys.

  422.  #422Turquoise on March 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Wow Lizka, you are on fire!!! Wonderful siren! 🙂

  423.  #423Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    I’m out there on OKCupid, and I have high suspicions this one is a scammer:

    Your profile caught my attention. You are my exact definition of a beautiful woman. I taught it will be most polite to say a simple hello and let you know i would love us to start a conversation and see where it leads.
    Hope to read back from you soonest

    I may be wrong, but my experience has been when English is this horrible, they are scammers from Africa, most often. His whole profile reads really bad like this, too. I am willing to accept poor English. I just think it implies scammer, and all my red flags are going up.

    I sent him a nice message nonetheless, and I’ll know for sure soon what he is about.

  424.  #424Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    …and he lives 7 hrs away, another indication of a scammer. And on the one hand, he says he is a Native American, and on the other hand he says he’s a U.S. citizen. I feel wary.

  425.  #425Butterfly Wings on March 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Yeah he sounds dodgy to me Brenda! Avoid that one – or ask him to marry you – now! Haha!

  426.  #426Brenda on March 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    Unusual to have a new thread nowwwww!

  427.  #427Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    #331 Iamabutterfly

    Thank you.

  428.  #428Silver Moonbeam on March 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    #423 Brenda

    It’s all part of the online dating “game” I have had more scammers than hot dinners on a PAID dating site some years ago. I used to print them off and take them to work and read them out for a laugh as the grammar and contradictions made me ROFL!!!!

  429.  #429Sassy on March 7, 2012 at 4:07 am

    7:00 am here in Georgia- no baby siren yet. Gramma, mommy and daddy are T-I-R-E-D

  430.  #430Chera Boom on March 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    I’ve gone through the Modern Siren program in hopes that it would help me get the man I love to “fall” in love, it’s one of those “I love you but I’m not in love with you” situations. So far, after 3 months, nothing there except him wanting to be friends.

    So with my new tools in place, I tried eHarmony and Match.com. That was so NOT for me, guys responding were not attractive and the one guy who I thought was a very nice man ended up choosing another woman and he did not handle it in a nice, respectful well. After being solicited for IT advice on a dating site, I quit both services and I’ve given up on dating.

    In the meantime, there’s been an unexpected result of this. I have a male leader at work who thinks the world of me professionally, and suddenly I’m being promoted from supervising 4 guys to supervising 24 guys and 1 woman. This NOT the result I was hoping for. I guess it’s good professionally, and there is a little more money involved, but I wanted to find a man to share my life with, not get a bunch of guys that I have to manage!!

    Any advice on this? Feels like it backfired, yes I will learn something from each one of these men, but I’m still home alone at night.


  431.  #431Rori Raye on March 13, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Chera – I wish I could guarantee results…and I have no way of knowing how you’re using the Tools…I’ve had clients call me after using ALL my programs, and they still don’t actually use Feeling Messages or Circular Date properly, or Riff, or practice any of the body dialogue and tracking tools. My biggest suggestion is to try a coach and see if the coach can see what’s going on. Try Virginia Clark http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com, Dominique http://www.sexandheart.com, or try my Love Forever teleclass (you can purchase the replays), which is very close to private sessions with me…(the page is over in the sidebar…) Love, Rori

  432.  #432Marla on March 14, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I was in a relationship with a very depressed guy for 4 and a half years. We broke up in 2009 because I felt completely helpless within the relationship. I told him that I didn’t think he was in the position to be in a relationship and although I loved him he needed counseling and I couldn’t help him. We kept in contact over the last few years and went out the odd time to the cinema and such, though I was cold because I guess I resented him for not trying to make things better. I love this guy with all my heart. He started dating a girl in December 2011 and he is still with her. When he first started dating her I sent him far too much brain leakage of all the things and thoughts I had been carrying about with me for the last couple of years but never said. He didn’t reply nor did he want to talk. I have sent him the odd message over the year, like how was he and then 6 months later letting him know what I was up to and that I missed him, then recently that I was thankful for the time we spent together and I suppose I realize now that he will always be in my heart. He never responded – not once. Should I just let go? I know there are plenty of men out there that would be better for me and I have men interested in me. It’s just I only wanted him. What should I do?

  433.  #433Rori Raye on March 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Marla – I don’t know how old you are – but your letter sounds very young…this man is not responding…we’ll help you move on with your life…can you learn to Circular Date? Love, Rori

  434.  #434Marla on March 14, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Hi Rori, I’m 30. I don’t know whats wrong with me, I couldn’t look at another man when I broke up with him and I still can’t look at them now even though he has clearly moved on. I just have no respect for men, doesn’t matter how attractive or good they seem, I’m not interested. I’m not jealous of his new girlfriend, I told him she looked nice and I hoped he could do all the things for her he could never do for me. I guess I feel he never loved me at all really. I don’t know.

  435.  #435Brenda on March 17, 2012 at 9:06 am


    Welcome! I can relate…I just completely ended it with a man who I’ve known 4 years, who I dated part of 3 years. I feel like I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him.

    Most of us post on the newest thread, found here:


    I just found this beautiful piece of writing this morning and posted it in #748 on this thread:


    Maybe it will encourage you, too. It gave me a direction to grow.

  436.  #436Brenda on March 17, 2012 at 9:27 am


    Welcome! I can relate…I just completely ended it with a man who I’ve known 4 years, who I dated part of 3 years. I feel like I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him.

    Most of us post on the newest thread, found here:


    I just found this beautiful piece of writing this morning and posted it in #748 on the newest thread. Maybe it will encourage you, too. It gave me a direction to grow.

  437.  #437TR on March 19, 2012 at 11:40 am


    I have been working with your programs for three years. In that time of following your advice, I have seen some tremendous changes. I left an abusive relationship, and am now married to a wonderful man. Our marriage, though wonderful, has some stress in it, that worries me because we have been married for less than a year. My husband was raising his 4 year old daughter by himself when we met. We are now raising her together. (her mom calls her occasionally, but NEVER sees her). We have worked through some differing parenting styles and, I think have come a long ways to working together as parents. We are planning on having a baby together (something he knew I wanted before he proposed). We have been told that IVF is our only option and that it needs to happen sooner than later. This has caused a tremendous amount of stress on me and on our marriage, for multiple reasons. We have to figure out how to pay for it for one. Also, I am doing everything I can to help my body prepare naturally, by cleansing and taking suppliments, and reading. My husband thinks that I am “obsessed” and stated that I am sad all the time now. I am trying to find ways to keep myself busy with other things, so he will not withdraw. He told me at Valentines day that he is “so in love with me”, and now, a month later he is withdrawing. How do I handle this, especially with everything we have going on?