A Safe Man vs. A Dangerous/Sexy Man

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closedeyemanA man who is by nature emotionally safe to be with can LEARN to become more dangerous and sexy if we’re willing to go there and “teach” and “inspire” by example.

His hormonal makeup is different from the high-testosterone “dangerous/sexy” man – so it’s not instinctive.

And a dangerous/sexy man can learn to be “safe” – through healing his “trust” mechanism.

Though hormones may make that more difficult than it is for the “nice” man to develop an “edge.”

The level of a man’s ability to see you as “not about HIM” (I’m not talking about the healing, spiritual concept of “we’re all one”), and desire, instinctively, to make you feel good and happy, is what makes it possible for him to learn.

Basically, it’s about the “size” of a man’s heart, and the “depth” of his character…

Love, Rori

 

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114 Comments

  1.  #1Kyla on June 2, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Yay! I’m inspiring! I can inspire more magic in every aspect of my life including the people who chose to be in it! I love it 🙂



  2.  #2Kyla on June 2, 2014 at 8:31 am

    So many emotions were stirred up this weekend and so much happened. Moving is stressful, merging our space is stressful and yet it is finished now! It was a rollercoaster of ups and lots.. there were lots of downs and I felt overwhelmed, teary, grumpy and mad at times. I walked away and went to work in a different room when I didn’t want to be where I was. I was open and reciprocated when he came to find me and give me a kiss and hug and then still chose to stay where I was continuing to breathe into all my weird feelings and fold away clothes. Its funny I spent all day Saturday and woke up Sunday morning feeling off-centre and slightly grumpy and when I finished my meditation and morning shower I could see all the good I had been enjoying all along. The house looks better than its ever looked, things have been cleaned, repaired, reorganized, fixed, improved, upgraded and made more beautiful as each box was unpacked. The garden is done, the garage is done and every room in the house is done. I was in a gentle fog of chaos and emotion and I held on to myself, let myself feel grumpy and tired and kept going at my own pace and when the fog lifted everything was better! And he did all sorts of things to celebrate too. Friday night movie, Saturday morning took us all for brunch, Saturday night we all had dinner out, Sunday morning homemade pancakes, Sunday dinner just the 2 of us and take-away for the kids and when I came down from my long, relaxing bath last night he had made a chocolate cake and decorated it with a big heart. When we finally sat down together last night I honestly felt amazed, wonderful, blessed and loved in every fibre of my being. I told him how happy I was he was here, how he has made everything better, everything is improved and I feel so impressed with the transformation. I had the best sex of my life and fell asleep wrapped up snug in his arms after he whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear. Life is good and I can process huge amounts of emotion easily without stuffing or acting out and by staying authentic and me. Feeling on top of the world. So much compressed into one short weekend and everything has changed 🙂



  3.  #3sweet goddess on June 2, 2014 at 9:03 am

    Ah. Kyla

    Felt so good reading about your rollercoaster of emotions and that at the end of the tunnel, there are good feelings. We are also moving countries and planning another wedding party for us and my family arrives tomorrow – all in this one month. I also feel really overwhelmed! It feels good each time he moves towards me to give me a hug or a kiss and it keeps me going but just like you… I also feel this big pot of urgency, stress, how, what , why.. when… in my head.. at this moment…and im trying my best to just be with these emotions… your weekend feels inspiring. I will also get to the good side soon, just by sitting with my feelings. Love xo



  4.  #4Kyla on June 2, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Sweet goddess, how exciting! Ooohhh a new world to explore together and another big celebration of your love! Mmmm that feels so good to hear about your adventure! I feel expanded and so very happy for you xoxoxo



  5.  #5Femininewoman on June 2, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Oh my!!! Kyla!!!



  6.  #6Tam on June 2, 2014 at 11:33 am

    I’d love to find out more about that since I am kind of dating the stereotypical nice guy, low testosterone, borderline feminine/passive, and it’s been a struggle so far. I do like him a lot as he is so sweet and nice, but he is waiting for me to move the relationship forward and make plans etc., he has even so much as mentioned it and it causes me some frustrations. He would be very ‘safe’, but he is so different from the alpha men/ high testosterone driven/ambitious men I used to date, it feels like day and night. Not bad just different and on occasion frustrating. He is getting ‘better’ at initiating, making plans and asking me out, but he will often use feeling messages (much more so than me) and he is clueless as to how to move the relationship forward (and has said so much).



  7.  #7Kyla on June 2, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    I am saying YES to me. Yes to what I want, yes to my feelings, yes to my wishes, yes to the opportunities that appear. I used to say ‘oh I want to but..’ and would focus on all the reasons that I can’t right now and let it pass me by or ‘I wish I could..’ and to nothing instead of any little thing that brought me a step closer to being able to. Well baby stepping works! Its like flying. I want to go to a foreign country. I book the flight, I take the few steps to get to the airport and on to the plane and then I amuse myself while the plane does 99% of the journey and I take the last few steps at the other end! LOL oh my! Its like when things are shifting for me too. Both airports look the same and the process is similar and most of the time I’m waiting in a line or in my seat but I know when I arrive at the other airport that it IS in fact different even before I walk out the door!

    I wish I was finished work for the day so I could work on a piece of my project instead so I’m saying yes to getting these inspirations on paper to remind me later of the new idea I had and yes to putting through my expenses so I have the money to get it done too 🙂

    Shazam!!



  8.  #8Dominique on June 2, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Kyla – You’re SO awesome. 🙂

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  9.  #9Azure Blu on June 2, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Tam #6
    I too am dating a very nice man…
    I too am attracted to upbeat, big personality men/bad boys…

    I am struggling with his low energy…
    He says he expresses negativity so then
    he doesn’t feel disappointed if things don’t happen like he would want them to??? what??

    although he does initiate all the dates and is quite masculine in some ways….
    and I’m not feeling very physically or emotionally attracted yet…

    Yes, I wish Rori or Sirens could elaborate more on…

    “A man who is by nature emotionally safe to be with can LEARN to become more dangerous and sexy if we’re willing to go there and “teach” and “inspire” by example.”
    Not sure at all how to inspire someone to become more “dangerous and sexy”…
    Suggestions Please!! :->



  10.  #10Mercedes on June 2, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    I have been so busy lately and haven’t had time to read or post but I was able to find time to read today and am also a tad confused about this. Seems to me, the only way to accomplish what is suggested here is to go into full on masculine energy mode ourselves and show him how it’s done:

    “A man who is by nature emotionally safe to be with can LEARN to become more dangerous and sexy if we’re willing to go there and “teach” and “inspire” by example.”

    Not resonating well with me. I think I would rather be with a man who already complements my personality and who “meshes” well with me just as he is rather than try to teach and inspire him to be someone he isn’t. There’s probably a perfect woman out there for him…a woman he wouldn’t have to change himself for.

    I don’t know…doesn’t resonate with me but I’m not discounting what it could mean for other women.

    Hope all has been amazingly well for each and every one of you!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  11.  #11Tam on June 2, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Azure Blu…hmmm. To a certain extent I believe people are who they are. And this means acceptance or leaving. Thing is, there are many good things about a man such as this. In my case, he probably wouldn’t have the motivation or need to stray and get involved with other women, he is sweet and caring etc. In many ways quite safe. That whole ‘not moving the relationship forward’ thing, however, creates a different kind of insecurity in a relationship…and it’s very odd because generally I found the very ‘alpha’ men are really quick to move things along, much quicker than me – but they have also been quick to drop the ball or stray or not wanting the level of commitment…no idea.
    I guess everybody is different and maybe it is also a case of accepting the good with the bad unless it drives us mad. LOL. But I do wish Rori would elaborate a little on how she would achieve that too..



  12.  #12Pamelahealing on June 2, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Wow! This subject made me relive the years I was with a high-testerone physically attractive man who, I believed loved me in a particular way. But, he could not love me in a committed way. I made all of the mistakes.

    In hindsight I could have saved myself many years of pain and suffering had I been open to a stable, maybe not -so-sexy man with possibilities. Today the first thing I look for is stability and loyalty, at least that is a foundation to build upon.



  13.  #13Andrea on June 2, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    #7 Yay Kyla. I know just what you mean. I have said for a while now that I want a radio show. I’ve heard talk women on the radio and I kept feeling like.. “I wanna try that.”

    Well, tonight I am going to a meeting tonight because our local radio station is having a volunteer DJ seminar. After two weeks of training I’ll be able to be a dj on one of the music shows. Then I’ll have my foot in the door and the program manager said they will look at and develop new shows that have promise.

    I feel excited. I feel like I said, “Yes” to myself finally instead of saying… “Some day….” : )



  14.  #14Kyla on June 2, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Oh my gosh Andrea!!!! Yay!!!! That feels so amazing and inspiring and fun 😀
    You are a super star!



  15.  #15Daria on June 2, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    yay cool that Rori doesnt use tha old alpah beta



  16.  #16Daria on June 2, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    i just did a gallbladder liver flush and omgosh i feel more energy! yay!!

    wooo hooo!

    happy Daria



  17.  #17Daria on June 2, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    yay Kyla @best sex of my life!

    i’d like some and more of that please thank you!



  18.  #18Azure Blu on June 2, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    Kyla…
    I agree with Daria…
    Damn Girl… Best sex of your life!!
    AND all the rest… Sooo good to read how you choose to accept all this good life for you!!!

    I’m going to start visualizing THAT for me!! ;*>



  19.  #19Azure Blu on June 2, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Andrea
    I feel inspired to hear about the steps your taking to fullfill this dream of yours!



  20.  #20Zia on June 2, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    Redbutterfly – I only just now saw your question (comment #19 in the last thread) about how my partner feels about my son. He *adores* him, and my son adores him. I also sometimes wonder about someone without their own kids loving someone elses. He puts so much effort in with my boy, and just the other evening my boy went up to him and asked him for a cuddle, and M was telling me later how happy he was about that.



  21.  #21Zia on June 2, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Mercedes #10 – I kinda see it more as creating the safe space for him to explore that side of him if that’s what he wants. I know for me personally, there’s a sexy/sensual/wild side that I’ve always wanted to explore with a partner, but never felt confident enough to do so. With my current partner I feel totally safe about slowly exploring that side of me and I love it.



  22.  #22Linda on June 2, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    It dawns on me.. reading your posts Kyla that moving forward, making space for “new”, will in fact affect and cause disorder that will feel off and foreign. The fact that you gave yourself permission to move off to another room.. a long wonderful bath was instant therapy and instinctually healthy.

    When I was first married (age 21 many moons ago) I remember feeling so homesick. It was almost debilitating. My new normal did not feel normal at all. I wanted to be married but did not like how it all felt because the things around me were all disordered and unproven as able to provide security that my knew.

    The cool thing is you were able and have the skill set to be to see the beauty in the new and potential instead of feeling deminished.

    It is inspiring to read and your story is delightful as it unfolds. The man in your life truly does seem to enhance you. Brava!



  23.  #23Tereana on June 2, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Ooh, I wish there was more to Rori’s post on this one…



  24.  #24Linda on June 2, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    On another note… My heart is sooo heavy tonight for my youngest daughter. She is experiencing the heartache of another “breakup” and is the one being “let go”.

    I felt livid with anger earlier. Like a mother bear wanting to rip the heart out of the thing that hurt my cub. She was very careful and thoughtful and cautious with her heart this time. He pursued… convinced.. stepped up and then bam…

    Gone are the days when I could fix things with a make it all better kiss and a reassuring smile and pat. I wish I could take her pain as my own and would if I could so she could feel carefree and ok. I too well know the depth of loss like that in my own heart. I just ache for her.



  25.  #25Linda on June 2, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Tonight I was holding my new puppy in my arms. (11 wks old) I have had her for 3 weeks now. She is so full of energy and curiosity. She will go go go and then it is like someone turned off her switch and she drops and seeks a snuggle and reassuring touch. Here I sit with the computer on my lap posting and after jumping and jumping to try to get up on the sofa I pick her up to be at my side and she leaps up between my face and screen. Sitting on my stomach/chest looking at me.. licking my chin. I stopped and cradled her with her on her back and her dark black marble eyes intently looking at me. Gently I stoked her and her eyes closed all snuggled in my arms.

    I realized that she was needing to feel connected and secure. She is finding her voice. Sharing it with the world. At the moment I was looking in her eyes I realized we are not very different at all.. this little dog and I.

    Good nite sirens



  26.  #26Mercedes on June 2, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Zia: I hope that’s what she meant because “teaching and inspiring by example” feels like WAY too much masculine energy for me in a relationship…especially when it comes to trying to change someone. I don’t even really mind the “inspiring” part too much although I prefer a man who is already there when it comes to being sexy (dangerous isn’t my thing). If we can’t love and accept him as he is right now (as Dominique says) without an agenda to “teach” him or “inspire” him to change, then I can’t help but wonder why we would be there…why not spend our energy on someone who is more compatible from the start?

    I guess I just personally don’t feel any connection with trying to teach a man to be someone else. I’m really good with a man growing and changing as he will even if it is (and many times it is) based on a woman’s own changes and healing. THAT I like a LOT! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  27.  #27Azure Blu on June 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Sooo being raised in the Southern part of the U.S.
    one of my FAVORITE flowers is the Gardenia…
    When i was working with one of Rori’s coaches Valarie she asked what the scent of my Potion of Love would be I immediately said, Gardenia…
    That was in November 2013…
    I have used the Tool of slathering
    the Gardenia scented lotion of Love all over me
    often
    and this Tool along with others
    Has created such a life changing effect on ME.
    On Saturday I brought out my POL
    and slathered it on ME beginning with my hair,
    and visualized the wonderful scent of the
    Beautiful, white, delicate Gardenia flower..
    AND yearning for a real Gardenia
    On Sunday one of my gf met me at my favorite
    outside patio for fine times and wine!!
    And there
    On that Sun filled Patio in two taracotta pots were
    A Gardenia plant with Beautiful blooms!!
    I asked the waitress if I could pick one
    “Yes, of course”,
    And I have had the amazing sweet perfume of that Gardenia flower in my bedroom all night
    and my office all day!!
    I feel so blessed!! The Universe does want me to have all my dreams and MORE!!



  28.  #28Azure Blu on June 2, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Thinking more about this post…
    I DON”T want “dangerous”
    It is what I DO Like about MN…
    He is NOT Dangerous…
    I think I will start telling myself
    There is something VERY masculine
    and sexy about a man who is Available
    emotionally
    and stable…

    My understanding of the Rori rules is to NOT
    try and change someone…
    That would feel too Masculine
    We all want to be accepted as we are….

    But for me that alll seems sooo controlling
    AND I’m working on NOT being that person…

    I maybe understand a little bit of what Zia is saying
    “creating the safe space for him to explore that side of him if that’s what he wants.”



  29.  #29Millie on June 2, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Yay Kyla!!! So inspiring to read! Yay for you 🙂



  30.  #30Mercedes on June 2, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Azure: “There is something VERY masculine
    and sexy about a man who is Available
    emotionally
    and stable…” – In my experience there is….something very, very sexy about that!! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  31.  #31Millie on June 2, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    Work was so draining today…
    I went in feeling on top of the world, but the blood was drained out of me when our entire team got yelled at. It feels really exhausting to really love your job and work hard, yet get brutally beat up verbally when something goes awry. I care about my job, maybe I’m too emotional about it actually. When I get severely yelled at, I have a hard time going through the rest of the day feeling good. It affects me, and I am unable to eat when it first hits. I’m getter better and recognizing that tightness in my chest when it happens and breathing through it though. I just really love my job, and when a superior accuses me of not caring, I feel really hurt…and it becomes exhausting when I put SO much energy into balances all the hats I am required to wear, and then to get browbeat for one thing. Anyway, I’m venting. I did not feel good at work today….



  32.  #32Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 12:05 am

    Mercedes 10,

    I hear you. I also would feel more comfortable with someone who naturally meshes with me, whose desires and appetites naturally sync with my own.



  33.  #33Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 12:13 am

    Mercedes 26,

    YES. I don’t have a great deal of energy available for teaching, or trying to change a man in any way. I have also noticed that it can, and does, happen naturally alongside a woman’s own healing… but I feel he should be someone I love and desire regardless. If it all depends on my ability to inspire him to be a bit more of something, why would I be there in the first place? Dangerously sexy men are not attractive to me… but strength (of character, integrity, heart) is enormously sexy to me 🙂



  34.  #34sweet goddess on June 3, 2014 at 3:54 am

    Mercedez, you are So totally right on that !

    Safe, good men, emotionally available ones are SUCH a turn on 🙂

    Love to you. I hope all is well xoo



  35.  #35Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Tereana from the last thread…
    LOL… I had to laugh when you shared your thoughts of men going INDOORS and clothes Flying all over the place…
    I like your since of humor!! :->

    So nice to hear about your dates… sounds lovely!!



  36.  #36Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Soooo Sirens I have a question,,,,
    From what you have all shared about the sexiness of an available, kind, good man…
    I have been dating one for a month…
    pushing myself to keep dating him
    because he is good practice for me to be with this sort of man…
    He likes me ALOT… he told me he loves me last week…
    BUT i am still NOT much excited about him… (certainly NOT in love)
    should I keep dating him and see what happens?



  37.  #37Kyla on June 3, 2014 at 7:07 am

    The truth has come out. I was feeling teary after another demoralizing day and spoke up to one of the partners at work last night about how I’m feeling here and he admitted that my boss has been trying to sabatoge me from day one! He didn’t want them to hire me and has made it his mission to make me feel uncomfortable until I leave or give him a reason to be fired. Wow. Well at least I know now that I’m not just paranoid and I’m not a failure. I have felt like I’m on the back foot since I walked in the door, scrambling to prove my worth and all my motivation to succeed here has been drained out of me at this point. I feel relieved to hear the truth. I can make peace with the situation now. I can accept that I’m not wanted here and that frees me up to find a better fit for both of us. I told the partner I will start looking for something else, I don’t want to fight to stay. He said my job is safe and understands but they don’t want me to leave. I feel sad but better now. I am releasing this job to someone who is a better fit and I am opening myself up to new and better oppportunities that will allow my talents and skills to flourish. My boy energy wants to win and I can redirect it now to somewhere I have the opportunity to do so. The truth sets me free.

    I fought with Ninja last night. I started off good with feeling messages and staying open and wow he started to trigger really old feelings in me and I fell into old patterns that made it worse and it felt simply awful. I started to beat myself up for doing it wrong and reacting childishly and making the situation worse and I went to bed. I eventually accepted that I’m not perfect and I will mess up and I still have each moment to try something different. Ah then this morning I could see that it was simple miscommunication that I literally blew out of proportion and sent myself spiralling down bad memories and I felt so utterly stupid! Before I could find him to say sorry and ask for a hug he was there holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok and he was sorry for not hearing me.

    Thank you for uncovering these deep fears inside me that want to be healed. I am ready and willing to release you now. In your own time my old friends.



  38.  #38Kyla on June 3, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Azure Blu – do you want to keep dating him? He’s probably only good practice if you can stay open to exploring with him. What would you need from a man to feel excited? Maybe you could look at what you do like about him and what you want that he’s missing and set the intention to attract that clearer picture to you so you can start feeling excited whether it turns out to be him or someone right around the corner. Keep picturing what you want and notice it as it shows up in big and small ways around you to attract more of it to you.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on June 3, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Azure Blu I think you should. I have a friend who recently told me when she married her husband it was the same with her. After they got married and she experienced the constant consistent love and care he showed to her she was able to build all that.



  40.  #40Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 8:20 am

    FW & Kyla
    (((hugs)))
    I feel sooo warm hearing your thoughts shared so sweetly with me! oxoxo

    I think I will keep seeing him
    keep my heart open to
    all the wonderful, warm, masculine energy he brings to me
    and work on being more feminine with him,,,
    For some reason I turn into masculine mode ALOT around him
    (Maybe the emotional intimacy scare me soooo much I do this to create space and push him away)



  41.  #41Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Kyla #37
    Wow… the Truth shall set you free!!!
    I think it would feel sooo good to know all of this about your boss…
    I’m glad for you… Although it is propelling you into a new direction quickly,,,

    My thoughts on the fight you had with Ninja,,,
    All the changes you and your children are going through would seem to me to
    Surly stir up all kinds of uneasyness and confusion, and SUPER Stess!!
    AND on top of all this find out about the underhanded, deliberate sabotoging of your boss,,,

    I feel happy to hear Ninja gave you tender, loving, care
    AND YOU are giving YOU tender LOVING CARE!!!
    You are not wrong… and you haven’t gone back to your old ways!!

    One thing I learned after I got the BEST job of my life,,,
    EVEN when things are the BEST I could ever imagine…
    It is STILL VERY overwhelming and Stressful.
    I ended up in therapy to help me adjust to all of the wonderfulness of it!!! :->

    Maybe it’s time for you to get a manicure,
    a massage? a day in the sun with pretty, little toes in the pool!! ;-}}



  42.  #42Kyla on June 3, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Mmm thank you Azure Blu that sounds good to hear. And yes you are right, I was still coming to terms with how I was feeling from work when Ninja walked through the door and triggered me with something minute that I flipped straight into defensive and then offensive mode. Unfortunately I directed it in the wrong place but I feel thankful that there is always time to change what I’m doing and when I change it must change the result too 🙂

    I’m planning a cliff climb, mountain hike, crossing a suspension bridge over a canyon, ziplinning through the rainforest and a day at the spa for my weekend in Vancouver for the times Ninja will be working! I feel excited to break free and set myself enjoyable challenges, have exciting adventures and allow much needed pamper time. I am feeling low about where to go with work and I suddenly felt inspired to step way out of my comfort zone, (I’m thrilled and terrified by heights but also intend to set my ‘sights higher’ career wise!) and I have been given the perfect opportunity to do so 🙂



  43.  #43Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Kyla…
    Ohhh… WoW!!
    A zip line, climbing, suspension bridging & SPA!!???
    LOVELY my dear…
    ;-0



  44.  #44Mercedes on June 3, 2014 at 10:12 am

    The comments from Indigo (32 & 33), Sweet Goddess (34), Kyla (38), FW (39) and Azure Blu (40) make me wish this blog had a “LOVE” button I could push! 🙂 Openly loving and accepting a man exactly the way he is, without trying to change him…being open to the changes he DOES make and being ready for the men who mesh with us and sort of “fit” exactly the way they are….yeah….I’m lovin that!

    Happy beautiful Tuesday morning ladies! Let’s all take amazing care of ourselves today. Let’s eat right, sleep well, meditate or pray (if we do that), take some time for ourselves, treat ourselves as we would someone we REALLY LOVE and most of all, accept OURSELVES as we are RIGHT NOW. We are, IMO, exactly where we are supposed to be in this very moment so…let’s enjoy this very moment! Spreading positivity and love…

    I’m feeling extremely happy, in love and blessed today….and I’m sending that vibe in blanket form over each and every one of you!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  45.  #45Labbit on June 3, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Kyla 2 – that sounds amazing. Reading about your weekend was like living out a dream! I’m so happy for you!

    Sweet Goddess 3 – a new country feels so exciting! Having each other there as you build a life in a new place can be such a cool adventure.

    Tam 6 and Azure Blu 9 – your comments make me think about being an invitation, to inspire a man to want to come forward and be that masculine hero. (If he can!) I have been CD’ing for about 3 months and I’ve had a mixed bag of results. It’s been fun! I just keep leaning back, and when a man who was being passive leans forward I’m sure to share how good it feels. I try to remember that they have the same insecurities and fears that I do, and it’s really quite brave the way they run relationships to keep things moving forward. 🙂 So for now in a dating context I accept the silences and take care of myself, knowing that the right men are going to lean forward. When they do come forward it’s easy to share how great it feels! With some men that seems to inspire them to keep moving leaning forward, to lead more and then I feel happy and the dating continues. Some guys drop off the face of the Earth and that’s fine too — although initially upsetting I know that I want a man who will lead, so it’s better to let those men go and let them find someone they will pair better with. A couple of men have seemed to mirror me — leaning back when I do, which creates a weird sort of stalemate. Instead of trying to solve it, or change my own behavior by leaning forward (which I DON’T want to do because I don’t want to lead a relationship), I let myself feel all the emotions coming up and don’t act on them. I let myself be OK with what is — no communication — and fill my calendar with other CDs. One of my CDs stopped talking to me for over a month when I leaned back, but then eventually did lean forward. I told him how wonderful it felt to hear from him and then we had a great conversation filled with lots of feeling messages about what we hoped to find in a partner. At the moment he’s one of my top CDs! There was another CD that I liked a lot, who after 2 months stopped everyday communication and then eventually just went silent. His last message was that he really liked me…hearing that felt great but the actions haven’t been there to back it up since then, so I’m just accepting what is. Sometimes I wish he’d come back but if he’s right I have faith he will — in the meantime I’m keeping my heart open in case someone else is that right man I’m on the lookout for!



  46.  #46Labbit on June 3, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Millie 31 oh man, that sounds rough. It’s easy to take criticism personally in any environment! It could be excellent practice for relationship…! I like that you’re letting yourself feel but then are you also beating yourself up a bit into exhaustion? Maybe treat yourself to a coffee or something to give yourself time to feel and then relax? (Or whatever emotion fits.)



  47.  #47Labbit on June 3, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Sirens, what do you say to your family or friends that ask about your dating life? I suppose this is really two questions. Most of my friends are very supportive, but I do have a couple who say things like “oh you’re still dating him?” or “so who’s the new guy this week?” They are wonderful in so many ways but I’m never sure how to respond to questions like those, and I feel bad when they say things like that. Nearly all of my friends are married and in wonderful marriages, which helps because I have lots of great examples of love around me but also occasionally makes me feel inadequate. I start to wonder what’s wrong with me…

    Then with my family, I’m 30 and they are starting to worry about me getting married and starting a family and all that. It sometimes bleeds into me where I feel scared and worried too after talking to them. Right now I’ve been telling them that I feel great, that I have plenty of love and support in my life (including from them!) and that I’m enjoying dating. This just seems to lead to a lecture of sorts about how I’m not getting any younger, how I should just find a man I like even I don’t love him, etc etc. Any advice on what I could say?



  48.  #48Kyla on June 3, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Asked my dad to meet me for lunch and let myself cry in the restaurant as I told him about wanting to leave and feeling afraid. He figured out a way to quit with 4 months salary giving myself the summer to find something else. I also get to take care of me and enjoy time with my kids (who were supposed to be with their dad for the summer). He told me to take the rest of the day off, pack my bag for Vancouver, chill out with Ninja and then on Monday I’ll only have 2 more weeks of this place.

    I was feeling clearer, calmer and more optimistic about the future and even started to smile about all the time I will have to work on my business and play with my babies and the waiter brings me a fortune cookie – it read ‘A new business venture is on the horizen’.

    There’s my sign! I’m taking a leap of faith and breaking free!



  49.  #49Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Mercedes #44
    Mmmmm… I can feel alll of your positive LOVE coming my way…
    I feel good being reminded
    I AM EXACTLY where I am supposed to be right now!!
    🙂
    Thank you for your warm, sunny, spring vibes!



  50.  #50Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Labbit #47
    I do have family and friends who say “Who is it this week?”
    I just laugh and say… “I know!!! It’s hard for ME to keep track too!!” LOL
    sometimes I Share that I AM having fun… meeting all kinds of nice men and
    learning all about myself in the process…
    That I do want the rest of my life relationship with an amazing man who treats me like his princess..
    They usually Love the Princess part,
    LOL



  51.  #51Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 11:43 am

    PS… Oh and the part about time ticking…
    I also get this… (i’m 62)
    I say:
    “It feels sooo good that you care about me and are worried about me being alone” Thank you,,,
    I get worried also sometimes,,,
    I know the right guy is just around the corner>”
    and then I give them a big hug!!!

    Now that I think about it….They actually have dropped saying this.



  52.  #52Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Kyla!!
    You’re Dad sounds sooo amazing!!

    A sign from the Universe~ in the form of a fortune cookie.
    WOW!!
    :-*]



  53.  #53Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Labitt #45
    You Siren you!!
    You have shared such amazing CD stories
    about how you are Taking GOOD care of YOU!
    Inspiring these men and receiving
    and letting go…



  54.  #54Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Labbit & Azure Blu,

    I hate feeling all explainy about my love life, and yet I feel I always have to have something to tell people when they ask. And they do.

    On the one hand, I’m excited to share when someone has asked me out for a date… on the other hand, I really can’t stand all the follow-up questions. I know they’re well-meaning and are just being caring and interested, but it actually kind of makes me feel like I have to concoct a story that isn’t really there. Sometimes an experience just is what it is, and I don’t know how I feel about it, nor do I attach any great meaning to it, which is what they seem to be looking for.

    I usually just end up keeping it vague :p
    I hear you though, it’s hard to dodge the pressure from the people in your life when they seem to want you to “settle down” and “make up your mind”. The people in my life do seem to be finally getting used to the fact that I don’t want to settle down just yet…



  55.  #55Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    On that note, I had a first date on Saturday night. This was a guy I’d met very briefly at a house party a couple of weeks ago who tracked me down on Facebook, asked for my number and asked me out. I’ve deliberately been slowing it right down with him, 1) as an experiment, and 2) because I really just want to be friends to start off with. He came and picked me up on Saturday evening and took me to dinner. It was pleasant – he was talkative and bubbley and conversation was easy and effervescent.

    Being a first date I wanted to keep it short-ish, so I got home kinda early, around 9 pm. I saw that D had sent me a message earlier in the evening asking me if I’d like to come round. I was in two minds, but missing him got the better of me, and I drove over there and he had bought capuccino’s for us. He was incredibly sweet and attentive, and I didn’t stay long before coming home. Interesting.

    I am not under any illusions, but I couldn’t help noticing the positive change in him. As I say, he is far from being “all there” for me, and I am well aware of that, but he is on new medication for his RA and it shows. There was a new slight calmness and gentleness about him that I haven’t seen in a while. It was good to see. He was so on edge for so long.



  56.  #56Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    (((Kyla)))

    I am so sorry you had this experience with your boss. These experiences which feel so difficult often point us in the direction we are meant to go, however.

    I hope you gain clarity and peace on what you are to do next.

    I also feel you on the fight with Ninja… I’ve been there. Old wounds coming up, asking to be released and healed. It’s so hard to see the blessing in it when you are thinking about how you could have handled it better, yet there it is. It’s taken me a while, but I am on the road to loving my own humanness, come what may. But I find it very difficult in the moment.

    x



  57.  #57Silver-Tongued Siren on June 3, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Does anyone have any experience dealing with

    an addictive personality & particularly, the
    *negative*/paranoid mindset and avoidant behavior *during addiction*?

    the avoidant behavior is rather extreme recently due to the negative thinking/addiction.

    in the past at any time I have requested, the “addiction” has been switched to a new activity. (4-5 times). it can be socializing/partying, smoking, drinking, and other things. most times, it has to be given time until it’s “his idea”, other times it’s been immediate.

    (this is a several year long relationship, these things have happened over time)

    By “avoidant behavior” I do not mean a withdrawn, antisocial avoidant, but “hyper related individuals who can relate easily, widely and well but have difficulty sustaining the relationships they form” as in pushing away behavior after things have gone well for a while, or if confronted with things they don’t want to deal with. or, in this case, also when they have negative/false/paranoid perceptions of how things have happened.

    It seems there is a high lack of trust, (turns to extreme paranoia during this addiction), during this addiction, or even sporadic use, there is frequent pushing away behavior.

    I have been studying a lot with attachment types, addiction, personality disorders, narcissism, bi-polar, high conflict personality, for 1.5 years trying to understand different behaviors.

    I have been for some time trying to figure out how to apply rori’s advice to some unusual things that most people never seem to have to deal with, but I do not think these are “bad” men, but they have different behaviors that many people do not understand, so require education and a different response than the typical person.

    Also curious how empathy fits in, as I have a particular technique I’ve been educated in (nvc) and need to see how it aligns.

    I also am curious how to handle it when I share feeling messages, and the response I receive is feeling messages.. (do I just keep on with the feeling messages until the person responds with an action?)

    Be back in a bit, have to get the kids outside right now.



  58.  #58prplpsn28 on June 3, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    🙂



  59.  #59Zia on June 3, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    is very interesting observing ladies who are mad keen on a guy so lean way forward to initiate. even just hearing someone talk about something that feels like chasing makes me feel really out of balance and stressed, compared to leaning back and let a man row the boat/move things forward.

    my my, how much can change in a year 🙂



  60.  #60Zia on June 3, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    28/30 – I totally agree, it is SUPREMELY sexy! when i think of danger in relation to an emotionally available man, and in the context of this post i, i don’t think dangerOUS… i feel… hmmm.. how to describe. just like that dominant, sexy, strong, authorative.



  61.  #61Zia on June 3, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Azure Blu #36 – dating him as long as you can, simply to get how it feels to be receiving from a man like that. it might not happen with him, but the more you allow yourself to be open around these men, the more you’ll start to become attracted to these qualities, and when the right guy comes along with these qualities it will be so so magic <3

    and you'll just KNOW.



  62.  #62Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    Zia!!
    Thank you…this sounds sooo right!
    🙂



  63.  #63Tereana on June 3, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Azure Blu, I loved your experience with the gardenia flower! 🙂

    Was that me with the clothes flying all over imagery? I thought that was someone else. But I do find it to be a funny image. I think it is fairly accurate to most men. Lol



  64.  #64Tereana on June 3, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    So, the guy from Sunday…no-go. Lol. He’s way in fem-fem mode. He kept proposing for various ways that I could give to him. (Meanwhile he did pay for me and drive to me and all that). But finally, I just gave him the “I’m old-fashioned” speech. Via email. I think it’s a no-go, though. He’s quite a bit older. And something in the vibe isn’t turning me on completely…

    I was missing M a little tonight. Mostly, I was appreciating how he fell in love with me, and how fun that was. And then feeling annoyed with myself for getting anxious and making an ultimatum (even though I know that NEVER works).

    But scratch all that. Tonight, we are starting CLEAN. It is “next” time. It’s time for what’s next. Time to learn and move on in a fresh and exciting, curious way. To something amazing.

    And what I have decided that I need the most to make this ALL work – life, business, and love – is calm. It is he same thing I’ve always needed. The one thing I had to grow up making do WITHOUT. But calm – I AM calm. If I’m not being calm, I’m not being myself. Whoa. Mind = blown. This is True for me. I Am Calm.

    And with that… : ) good night, my Moonlight Ladies!



  65.  #65Zia on June 3, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    I want to just express my excitement and happiness over non-relationship related things going on in my life… I’m currently studying a course I have wanted to do for a very long time and LOVING it. I am also coming up with lots of ideas of what I want to do with my own home based business and ways I can turn my desire to help people in wellness/health/happiness into a career. Feeling very excited and light 🙂



  66.  #66Andrea on June 3, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    Hi Silver Tongue… #57
    I feel achy and underinformed about everything you wrote except:

    “I also am curious how to handle it when I share feeling messages, and the response I receive is feeling messages.. (do I just keep on with the feeling messages until the person responds with an action?)”

    I do feel a relation with this experience.
    I found out that when I spoke with feeling messages in order to .. Get Someone To Do Something I Wanted Them To Do… I got really caught up in the way they responded to me.

    One of my guys responded to me with feeling messages instead of action and I felt perplexed. But it was because I was “thinking” that my feeling messages were supposed to bring about some.. THING.. some change, or action, or response.

    So, when I finally realized that I felt the most comfortable, the most serene, the most authentic when I was simply SHARING, simply BEING… then I could communicate.. “I FEEL this way or that way.”

    Only because I wanted to share myself. And that’s all I wanted. Just to BE and to SHARE.

    Then his response didn’t matter at all to me. I’m no longer trying to get someone to do something, or get a response, or get an action. I just am what I am. I feel what I feel. I communicate what I feel.

    If I want something, I share that I feel this without it, would feel this way with it. If he doesn’t respond, I know I can use my own boy energy to get what I want for myself. And I do. If the man in my life doesn’t take action, I know the boy energy that is me can take action for myself.

    Because I’ve adopted this way of living… for what ever reason… more men have tripped over themselves to “act” on my behalf. But it has more to do with … honestly… how I feel, than what I say.

    And there are many times that I don’t get the “response” that I thought I wanted. But what came from the other party was something more than I ever thought about. In other words, I feel.. I say what I feel.. then I let the Universe unfold as it will. And for whatever reason, I’m always ecstatic with the results of that.
    Then I get to express my deep appreciation and grattitude and happiness.



  67.  #67Indigo on June 4, 2014 at 12:21 am

    Silver-Tongued Siren 57,

    I have some experience with the behavior you are talking about, and in my own experience, practicing radical acceptance, both for him and myself was what ultimately got to the best feeling place.

    “individuals who can relate easily, widely and well but have difficulty sustaining the relationships they form” as in pushing away behavior after things have gone well for a while, or if confronted with things they don’t want to deal with. or, in this case, also when they have negative/false/paranoid perceptions of how things have happened.”

    D is like this.

    I spent years trying to fight against it, trying to make him see the error of his ways, trying to convince him, causing myself a lot of pain in the process. Until one day, I just gave up. I accepted that this was his pattern, and my response switched to “Ok, you need a time out, take all the time you need. But I’m not going to hang around waiting for you to snap out of it.” And I would literally remove myself and forget about him, take “me time” and cram as much joyful activity into that time as I could. And it would never be as soon as I would like, but he would always come and find me when he was ready, with a new-found respect for me.

    Sorry I’m not more help, but I think the key for me has been not fighting against these patterns of behavior, but rather becoming your best self and trusting that if he’s the right guy for you that he will heal alongside you.



  68.  #68sweet goddess on June 4, 2014 at 2:24 am

    Mercedez — yay !! Love to you too. I cannot tell you how much my loving husband tries to meet me where I am at and I feel more and more deeply in love with his goodness :)))

    Kyla – Im sorry about how you went spiralling down last night. I am in an immensely loving and happy marriage and I can tell you that we have to accept that spiral downs will happen once in a while… we are human beings after all…also I have to say, I feel somehow more connected to you after this post.. it sounds weird but you seem more human to me… so far you were too happy, gaga and winning it all and it felt a bit unreal to me and I felt like I couldn´t see through your heart… but today it feels like there is a normal happy girl there…who also sometimes cries and feels down and is weak at moments… and comes back up again. I celebrate this in you 🙂 Kudos !

    Sirens, I myself had an “overwhelming” morning. I realize I have to work at switching hats between girl and boy. I am so often girl energy mode that doing things in the world that even ought to be done by everyone feels overwhelming. Had to pay my mobile bill this morning, then went to the doctor for a routine preventive check up … where I felt so overwhelmed and absent minded that I just walked up to the counter without noticing that 7 people were waiting before me…and then they all screamed at me so bad 🙁 🙁 reported me to the doctor ! felt so embarassing and bad. I said wow.. I was just absent minded… you could have said it to me. But seeing their anger and tempers rise at such a small thing made me feel sad…why do people assume that everyone is doing bad to them? it was just a mistake. Anyway, then I got an email from my boss saying “we need to talk” about some work I did and my family arrives tonight and then there is wedding and change of country all in a month. I felt overwhelmed. My husband called to ask how i was doing from office and I told him everything like a river waiting to gush out. He heard me with patience.. and then said we will manage everything together baby. Dont worry. Now Im back home and I feel stupid. My emotions seem calmer … and I feel so vulnerable for constantly showin this overwhelm to my husband…but from what I see… he also loves me for it…he doesn´t want to see me perfect…he wants to see me real…….that feels SOOO good and SOO comfortin…to have such a love in life.

    Well, that was my monologue for the day 🙂 Love to all of you. we ROCK !



  69.  #69Kyla on June 4, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Hi Silver Tongue Siren!

    “I also am curious how to handle it when I share feeling messages, and the response I receive is feeling messages.. (do I just keep on with the feeling messages until the person responds with an action?)”

    For me, feeling messages are a way to communicate in a deeply, intimate and authentic way which a man can actually hear rather than to get a result. When a man uses feeling messages back to me I feel its because he feels safe to do so and he is mirroring my communication style.

    Try “what do you think?” or “can you help me with this?” or something like that at the end of your feeling messages so that now you’ve tossed the ball back to him and requested a thinking/action orientated answer rather than a feeling answer.



  70.  #70Kyla on June 4, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Sweet Goddess, I love you! “who also sometimes cries and feels down and is weak at moments… and comes back up again.”

    Oh lady! I feel weak and under equipped most of the time! Like a little child who is trying to learn university level math but I know I can if I keep at it! I cry and feel pain and get frustrated over little things and argue and say the wrong thing and storm off like a teenager and wring my hands and get depressed and feel hopeless and scared and shaky and I’m learning to love ALL of that! I go through a range of emotion all day every day and let it all be messy and written all over me and because I ‘mostly’ don’t resist it anymore it seems to naturally bring me back to centre without tremendous drama. I riff and go to the washroom to breathe and find my feelings or cry my eyes out, I use a bunch of Rori’s tools, I meditate, I try something different and I practice, practice, practice.

    The icky nasty feelings lead to a breakthrough and then the trigger is forgotten and I’m totally focused on the amazing ‘aha’ moment and then I’m all fired up and I want to write about that or I come here when I want to give myself a pep talk LOL

    Every day I feel like I’m stumbling over hurdles and some days I throw a tantrum and let the hurdle get the best of me until I remember that banging my head on the wall is not going to help me get through it.



  71.  #71Femininewoman on June 4, 2014 at 6:24 am

    As Carl Jung said once…

    “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”– Carl Jung



  72.  #72sweet goddess on June 4, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Kyla
    Wow. Now that sounds like my clone. Hihi. Love to you too. We just have to stay on our horse and keep going and loving this journey ! xo



  73.  #73Daria on June 4, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    feeling so pist that my dad is doing his conference and the wifi feels squeezy on my brains

    ughhh

    making up scenarios w thoughts of feeling unimportant non prioritized unloved

    feeling guilty

    feeling rageful

    feeling sad

    feeling excited aobut the cooking shrimp



  74.  #74Daria on June 4, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    ok it was not the wifi it was the computer Pluse the wifi PLUS his bein on the phone

    aha!

    and now i feel lovely in my tummy with warm shirimp that tasted bomb that i made yay yum thank u !



  75.  #75sophie on June 4, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Hi Silver Tongue Siren

    Would you try consider trying Al-anon meetings? Groups for friends/family/partners of addicts – it may help understand the mindset a little better and have support from those in similar positions? Maybe the people in Al-anon would be able to help with regards to the questions you ask about how best to manage those behaviours?

    I’m an addict. recovering for the most part but the underlyingness doesn’t really go away – it’s like pop up pirates especially when triggered or feeling unsafe or overwhelmed not anything hard these days but still stimulants and sometimes sleeping pills to counteract the stimulants – occasionally after nearly 9 years I achieve natural balance – I love natural balance – funnily enough I was emailed by an addict friend the other day about the pushing away thing -I believe in a school of thought excellently articulated by Dr Gabor Mate which talks about addiction being precipitated by early or repetitive trauma and attachment issues. No-one else can heal me ,though my therapist is a god-send, I just have to keep working through. It helps when people can understand me though. These days those closest to me know that often when I’m angry I’m actually scared, and that I feel things very intensely – that didn’t use to be the case it took me a long time for my family to understand xxx wishing you all the love xxx

    My life is intense right now (this is probably addictive – an addiction to intensity!) B has his court proceeding on Monday so every second is spent scrutinizing the 500page bundle of evidence —- I am feeling zonked but reassured it is a small period of time only – B is being involved and reasonably supportive – there is an element of team-work – I am so in my head – so in my masculine energy – it feels really really difficult to switch off at all xxx love to all you and your journey’s xxx



  76.  #76Daria on June 4, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    ((((((((((sophie))))))))))

    thank you for sharing – i felt fascinated! so brave!

    and wonderful advice for Silver… i second that on Al anon



  77.  #77Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Ladies, which siren was it here who was having troubles with lower back pain? Was it Andrea?

    I had a thought about that – from my massage and bodywork experience – you might want to ask a practitioner if they can work with your psoas muscle. This is *extremely* deep work, and it’s accessed through the abdomen, but it can do wonders for lower back pain, and even some digestive issues. It’s a major hip flexor and attaches to the inner surface of the lower spine and when it’s tight it can throw everything out of whack. Working on the low back can help, but if it’s the psoas at issue, then low back work with only help partially.

    Sorry to go on so long! I just had a “hit” that this might have something to do with your issue.

    I recently was having some trouble with my right hip, but my joint and everything was fine. I did some psoas work on myself and it totally helped.

    I’ll warn you, it can be intense – emotional, even. So find someone you can absolutely trust. Your body deserves the best! 🙂



  78.  #78Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Andrea – loved what you shared in 66



  79.  #79sophie on June 4, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Ah thank you Daria I feel vulnerable right now with all the heady-masculine fighty legal stuff – I’m needing a lot of love and that felt loving ((((Hugs Back))) I’ve never been to Al-anon but I do know when I meet other addicts we ‘get’ each other in a way that often others don’t – it’s the strangest thing – so if we, those who struggle with addictions, are so similar in many ways then it could well be helpful for the families/friends/lovers of us to be able to share with each other – each to their own though it takes time for any of us doesn’t it to work out what feels supportive for us? xxx



  80.  #80Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I am feeling frustrated right now with myself and my life. Seems like no matter what I do, the work, or what I try to change, nothing really changes. All the same patterns are there, and in some cases stronger.

    I feel confident in my capacity to attract men now, and to accept their attraction. But at the same time, I fear actually meeting someone I like – heaven forbid I love them, and/or that they love me – be cater I am afraid I will just push them away again. The more I surrender, the more strongly I push away. This goes way beyond nasty voices. This is something deeply entrenched. I feel at a loss. It is truly stopping me from living my life. I feel so stuck 🙁



  81.  #81Azure Blu on June 4, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    Tereana
    Darling Siren!!!!
    (((hugs)))
    I feel so sure about allll of the changes
    I have read that you have shared on Siren Island!!

    Give your NV allllll kinds of LOVE and hugs for all the amazing LOVE you ARE giving YOU!!
    I remember just a few weeks ago going through
    these same feelings,,,
    SOOOO deep in MY soup!!!
    and then after loving and hating and Loving
    my Hating,,,
    The warm, loving, soft, kind summer sun
    shown thru and I felt much better

    Hang in there Darling child of the Universe!!
    THIS is part of YOUR journey!
    oxoxoxo



  82.  #82Azure Blu on June 4, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    Tereana #77,
    I’ve never heard anyone else talk about the Psoas muscle!
    I do my workouts with Jillian Michaels series of DVDs and she works our psoas muscles ALLL the time!! :->
    Very interesting!!



  83.  #83luzydel on June 4, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    I fell for the boyfriend trap with cutecd; even when he was with me he was dating others; most annoying part is that he stated he didn’t want me to meet others. I fell for it and I am angry at myself. Now I reopened my POF but fell so yuck inside, because I will meet same type of men and I am tired of that!!!!



  84.  #84Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Oh no : ( luzydel…. ((((Hugs))))

    I guess CDing and *no contact* with him would be the only solution. That, and maybe some chocolate and a pint of ice cream. Don’t forget the wine ; )

    And the you can get out there and rock it, because you are amazing! 🙂



  85.  #85Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Azure Blu – why do you always have the most awesome things to say to me??! Lol. You are so wonderful. I feel blessed to be seen by you here 🙂

    This has been kind of a low day for me, I guess – just questioning EVERYTHING. But I guess that’s part of the process. Small changes. Baby steps…it’s good to hear some positive words coming back. That feels encouraging!

    Thank you : )



  86.  #86luzydel on June 4, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Tereana: I already set up my cell so his texts go to spam folder. He was the nice passive guy that makes you feel safe. That is why we should never create stereotypes of men. Some could be Strong and give you a vibe of “macho” and end up being the sweetest guys ever; and some could be Nice guys, full of Sh*t and lies. Always give yourself time to feel safe around a man and do not fall for first impressions. (NOTE to SELF)



  87.  #87Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    Soooop. Lol

    Ok. I have a thought to share which is probably anathema here, but this is a safe space for is to share our thoughts, right?…ok, here goes. It’s about giving…

    I read an article recently about “styles” that people have, across the world. And it’s not gender-specific. It only described people as “givers,” “takers,” and “matchers.” It doesn’t need much explanation. Obviously, “giving” is more endorsed by society, and “taking” is not. People don’t like “takers,” generally. But I also don’t like that word. I would prefer “receivers.” lol.

    But then I started to think about my “style,” as in, what feels best to me. True, I will give and give and give until I have nothing left. And I often feel best about it when there is no recognition whatsoever. But it does leave me feeling depleted. It takes me special effort to “receive.” But then I wonder…does all this “receiving” deplete me, in a way, if I don’t have an opportunity to give? What if I *need* to “give,” in order to feel whole and complete?

    I’ve been looking for volunteer opportunities. I think that would give me a chance to give. But I also wonder…(this is the sort of “non-Rori” part) could it be healthy to “give” inside a relationship sometimes? Is it necessarily true that this giving impulse is masculine. Or is it just me, being a generous female? And if I don’t give, will I feel stopped up, unexpressed? I’m not saying I want a man to take advantage of me. Not at all. Just that…I believe, for a lot of men, they LOVE it when their wives/partners/girlfriends give and do things for them. It makes them feel special, wanted, needed. And it’s a need that they have which is underneath the crusty, strong, outer layer of masculinity. They have to wear that all the time. But if a woman gives to them, they can drop it for a moment and just be themselves, not feminine, not masculine, just A PERSON.

    That’s my ground-shaking thought for the day. It has yet to be proven in my relationships. But one thing seems to be proving itself: being always on the take-take-take side is good for only so long. Giving is a natural impulse that I have. And without letting that come out, I may not actually be acting authentically…

    /thought for the day



  88.  #88Tereana on June 4, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    LD – some people certainly are not what they seem…



  89.  #89Veronica on June 4, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    It’s good to be back here even though the road trip was fun. And there’s so much to catch up on.

    I filled out some dating profiles, not quite complete yet. I can’t wait to practice fm’s and exploring what comes up. I hadn’t finished one profile and already there’s someone who wants to meet ALTHOUGH it’s because he’ll be in the country for a few days – hm let the exploring begin.

    I feel perturbed that someone would want to meet me based on my photo and very few details.
    I feel excited having someone to practice with.

    OwlCD has already asked about meeting up. I like that – and he’s doing more planning – yay! And having my profiles up has me feeling more relaxed.

    I’ve noticed that when I’m around good men that I just slip into siren mode. On the trip I noticed how I was listening more, leaning back, signalling that I was listening. One man planned a route for us that was interesting and then phoned us to find out if we had reached our destination safely. It’s easier to be appreciative of what they do. But I feel amazing no matter how brief the contact with a good man; which helps me to be okay with feeling pain which creeps up once in a while.



  90.  #91Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Luzydel #90
    Ohhhh… I Love this article!!
    Thank you for sharing!
    :->



  91.  #92Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 6:23 am

    Veronica,
    Welcome Back!!
    Sounds like you are feeling refreshed!!
    oxoxo



  92.  #93Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 6:29 am

    FW
    I feel intrigued reading this quote! Thank you.

    “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”– Carl Jung



  93.  #94Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Tereana #85
    I feel sooo happy reading your post! Thank you!

    YOU are AMAZING and sooo kind and generous (with that wonderful wit of yours!!!) with all of YOUR responses and sharing on Siren Island!!
    hugs and kisssssses



  94.  #95Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Here is part of the article from Luzydel
    Sooo cooool

    “My life is complete and I am happy, and I’ve find so many important things besides a man to love me.

    I love art: museums, galleries and impressionist paintings. I love jazz music and strolls through Central Park. I love my friends, my job and the people I see every day.

    I love the fall and the spring and those hot summer days. I love coffee-flavored ice cream and the way a good book smells. I love reading in the afternoons and watching too much TV at night. I love my shows on Netflix and movies by Woody Allen, Federico Fellini and Martin Scorsese.

    I love my parents and my brother and my sister. I love my home, my dog and my cat. I love to love things and I believe this affair could really last a lifetime.

    I love getting absorbed by, obsessed with and absolutely enamored of things around me.

    When did loving your life, your passions and your days become so unimportant?

    When did the love of someone else become the only important kind of love there is?

    If you ask me, your life should be about finding as many things to love as possible and letting those things love you back.

    Let the love you make yourself be enough for you, because even when you do find the “real” thing, those loves will still be there, and will still be important.

    Stop letting everyone else dictate what kind of love is worthy. Don’t let people make you think you’re not adequate without someone loving you.

    Life is about finding love everywhere and forgetting about that kind of love everyone has made you believe is so goddamn important. Love starts and ends with you and no one can make you feel unloved without your consent.” By Lauren Martin

    – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ojh-why-romantic-love-isnt-the-most-important-love-you-should-pursue-in-life/#sthash.P7DmrRsJ.dpuf



  95.  #96Indigo on June 5, 2014 at 6:59 am

    Luzydel and Azure Blu 95,

    Whilst I feel soulmate love is the pinnacle of my life, I absolutely what this article says and agree completely.

    I think you should strive to make your life a delight to you – filled with many things that give you joy and pleasure, and inspire fulfillment and love in you. Even in a relationship, which is why I like a relationship with plenty of space.

    It may not feel completely comfortable to that part of us which feels insecure, which fears abandonment and rejection, which likes reassurance, but I believe it is healthy. Developing our passions, interests, our friendships, work and alone time… make us much stronger, more well-balanced people I believe.

    I love my life, and I love what I have got to see of myself through the things I have explored… and I can’t wait to share this with my special man one day. Until then, I am HAPPY and fulfilled and more than ok.



  96.  #97Indigo on June 5, 2014 at 7:00 am

    *absolutely love



  97.  #98Dominique on June 5, 2014 at 7:00 am

    Tereana – 87 – It is not necessarily masculine energy to give to your man though it could be. It all depends where you are coming from, what your true intention is, where your heart is. When you give because it makes YOU feel good, when you give simply for giving’s sake, no expectation of something back including validation, thanks, and maybe especially reward, then please do so.

    When you are sensitive to yourself, aware, as well as to the energy coming from your man, you will FEEL when things become unbalanced.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  98.  #99Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Dominique,,,
    Ahhhh…. thank you for these words,,,
    ‘Cause on a regular basis I
    get confused when My Giving IS masculine…

    I am hyper sinsitive about this because
    I have OVERfunctioned alllll my life,,,
    Slowly, over the years, when I read “Codependant No More” by Melody Beatty
    I realized ALL I was expecting in return,
    Of course I had thought
    “Oh…. when I give this, and this and this
    It is from the goodness of my heart”
    Nope… It was alll quite controlling really.

    Rori’s tools have shown me even more
    How controlling, my giving is
    allll this giving without
    considering WHY…
    How lovely to be able to see this..
    ‘Cause it has made my life SOOOO
    MUCH happier.
    I lOVE happiness for ME!!



  99.  #100Mandy on June 5, 2014 at 11:55 am

    I see J as a man with an edge.



  100.  #101Tereana on June 6, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    AB (94), I can feel the big hugs!! 🙂

    Dominique – thanks for your thoughts on giving to a man. It call makes a lot of sense!



  101.  #102Ritter Standley on June 6, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Good read, Rori. I find myself agreeing to every word you just said. I think that anything is possible in a relationship full of love and understanding. With open communication, a lot could happen. 🙂



  102.  #103Veronica on June 11, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Azure Blu – 92 – Oh thank you for welcoming me – that felt like a good warm hug. The trip definitely refreshed me – I noticed how delighted my body felt to be breathing in fresh air. Xo



  103.  #104Jay on June 12, 2014 at 9:21 am

    This is such a powerful statement:

    “it’s about the “size” of a man’s heart, and the “depth” of his character”



  104.  #105Lotus on June 21, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Hello sirens, I am a growing siren and am feeling stronger vibes about myself as I am learning to lean back more, express my feelings and desires. My diva is on a come-back!

    My in-a-nutshell story – am living separately (6mths now) from husband of 6 yrs, we have a 14 yr relationship.. he had an affair abroad whilst I was living in the city for my business.

    I tried to save the marriage last year upon my return and discovery of affair, needless to say I was devastated and overfunctioned, and now this year I feel radically different, I feel more empowered by Rori’s tools and coaching from Valarie (one of Rori’s recommended coaches). I am now lighter, happier, more confident, playful..inspired.

    He has not fully resolved his r’ship with OW and still emotionally supports her via the phone. Yet he wants to merge our lives back together, support me and save the marriage, have a child etc. Me – tired of the waiting, broken promises, no winning me back and I feel better now that we have passed any agreed timeline to resolve things. I want to have fun and explore, have been rediscovering myself. I feel marvellous!

    I met someone at a wildcraft/eco festival, ‘A’ with a kind soul, and feel great with him..and practice the tools.. can be hard though because he really responds and then I feel too powerful! We have nice chemistry..very intense, but slow gooood energy.

    I am following my feelings. I feel conflicted because I want to be married, want a family, but husband ‘J’ is not 100% committed to me. I don’t feel trusting. I don’t feel committed to him anymore. So I fight feeling of feeling bad to want to date ‘A’, yet it feels good to explore and have my inner soul reflected in another man creature. This man feels sensitive, soft, curious, patient with me.

    Dreamt last night of being at my wedding, marrying my husband again, yet he wasn’t there, and no-one would sat next to me.. and it felt awful and sad, empty!

    I think of divorce but my morals and traditions pull me back. I don;t want to regret letting go, but husband is toxic man, was a bad boy with hedonistic ways, but he was also wonderful boyfriend and husband until he ‘fell in love’ with another girl. Now his dream has crashed, he has woken up to reality of a r’ship built on sand, and hears my big heart beat.

    I want him to win me over, arrive with flowers, plan a picnic, a hot air balloon… beg for my forgiveness, but none of that happens, just drinks in town. I told him last night ‘I want to have fun, I want to flirt.. his venting makes me feel switched off. Later we kissed and I felt how good his body felt against mine as we got close, it felt good. He told he needs things spelling out and thanked me for my honesty. He invited me back to his flat for the first time, I said next time. Things have shifted!

    Now I feel like a player, two men can want to get close to me now. I want to go speed-dating and lap up more advances with those who feel good.. I want my husband to take his time so I can have more fun. Now I feel like vixen.. and not lotus anymore. What’s a girl to do? Or shall I say siren-diva?

    xoxoxo



  105.  #106Lotus on June 21, 2014 at 7:41 am

    I want to be savoured not devoured
    I want to be explored not conquered
    I want to go slow and feel my feelings
    I feel delicious like a 13 course banquet
    I want to be enjoyed like a fine bottle of wine
    I feel a gentle buzzing in my heart as it opens up and give thanks to the birds and the trees and the wonderful flowers that rejoice in their nature



  106.  #107Rori Raye on June 21, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Lotus – Welcome – and – you may not like what I’m about to say – and that is….I don’t care that you’ve invested 14 years in your marriage. If this were me I’d walk out on him today and never look back, and Circular Date like fun crazy – including this new man, who may or may not “pan out.” I do NOT understand why you wouldn’t leave your husband for him… Or, for that matter – for ANYONE!!!! “Ties that bind” do NOT, in my opinion, bind anything – except when there are children involved, where you need to give it every single ounce you’ve got to make sure you know what you’re doing. And then – I’d STILL leave!

    NOTE: I think Valarie is a superlative coach – better than I am in many ways…and what’s she’s got you doing is creating the warmth/distance Modern Siren Combo. This WORKS!!! That’s why it’s brought your husband in closer. Now that you’ve got a new skill set, a new inner feeling about yourself – total Siren happening here….it’s up to you (and I KNOW Valarie will be extraordinarily helpful here) – to decide if you really want to be with a man who “takes so much work” – is he really up to the par of your exquisiteness? Love, Rori



  107.  #108Lotus on June 21, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Wow Rori! You are kick-ass indeed, and thank you for that! I didn’t expect such a quick reply, massively appreciative. I’ve been dying to speak out to you, I’ve been through a wretched time..last year and beginning of this.. not anymore since sticking with the tools. just didn’t know how and where to go about reaching out to you so found Valarie through your site. I read your newsletters for a year before buying all of your programmes, and straightaway went to Toxic Men.. and it was the story at the end that gave me hope (I must be crazy?) – the one where the woman’s drinking/ cheating husband came back and stunned everyone, and they have one of the best marriages. Can you tell me more about that story – why it worked out? And I’ve told him how I feel, how I felt lonely in bed (not anymore), how I feel sad about us, but no you’re right, he’s not a good match for my exquisiteness – thank you so much for that word!! He said he doesn’t know how to be with me, i make him feel criticised, retarded and stalled! I question his depth of character and yes he’s hard work. But it’s always easy at the start right?

    I did walk out on New Year’s Eve when I found out that he was still in touch with OW, and have been living back at my dad’s, but I tell myself if he tries to win me back then yes I will give marriage another shot. I don’t know if I can cut ties- he’s been a major part of my life for so long, he supported me in so many ways, we were very close, but he became resentful. But I don’t think he has the capacity to be the husband I want, yet divorce is an ugly concept to me.

    New guy has told me he needs time now! He would only feel comfortable if I’m getting a divorce, he said the connection feels too strong with me…

    So now I feel I need to speed-date, circular date like you say, concentrate on creating new work again. I just wanna have fun and dance with men, and feel a buzz… and be held, and be romanced. Can’t stop thinking about new guy though…



  108.  #109Kari on June 30, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Rori,

    I met a man online that I was very attracted to. He was recently divorced and I could feel he was very hurt over it. He shared with me that he enjoyed rough sex in his marriage and had a girlfriend as part of their marital relationship as well. I told him I was not into that lifestyle and wished him good luck. A few days later he texted me that he did not have to have that lifestyle and he wanted to see me. Cautiously I went to dinner with him. I enjoyed dinner and we saw it other regularly. I told him I need sexual exclusivity and he agreed. He was still seeing his ex-girlfriend bit agreed he would not have sex with her. He said the girlfriend was in love with him, but he did not feel the same. The girlfriend broke up with him for a while because he was exclusive with me sexually; however, he recently told me he had been talking to her again. I told him I did not want to see him if he was seeing her on any level. He wanted me to come focuses this in person with him. I did not. A few days ago hr told me he only wants to see me as a friend. What did I do wrong to not have this man want to be with me. I used feeling messages, was honest about my feelings, and set boundaries. I feel confused because he seemed to get who I really was. Any advice would be appreciated.



  109.  #110Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Kari…
    What a strong Siren you are!!!

    YOU did nothing wrong…
    YOU held YOUR boundaries…
    He isn’t interested in a monogamous relationship that’s all!!

    I could be wrong but My feeling is
    your recently divorced cd who had an open marriage with sexual explorations
    was hoping he could convince you to change your mind and to be willing to have an open relationship with other women involved…



  110.  #111Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Kari & Lotus…
    the posting has moved to another page
    If you want to join the new thread
    Look at the far right, very top under
    Rori’s Programs…
    It says
    Recent Comments…
    Click on any name there and it will take you to the newest blog postings.



  111.  #112Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 5:20 am

    Kari,

    Please forget this man. He does NOT want the same thing as you, ie. a monogamous relationship. He wants to see multiple women at the same time. You did nothing wrong. You are simply not a match.



  112.  #113Kari on July 1, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Indigo and Azure

    Thank you very much for your comments. I really liked this man and used all the tools. I feel much better about the situation now 🙂



  113.  #114Anjali on July 7, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    So I was dating this guy before I discovered Rori. I made the typical mistakes that I usually make which is to not set myself up as a goddess in the beginning and do too many things for my man so that he basically realizes he doesn’t have to do anything to have me. So this happened with this guy. Then I discovered Rori, and started to lean back. He started texting me again. But I got upset when he took himself off my facebook invite to my birthday event and I didn’t reinvite him or say anything. He texted me all weekend of my birthday and I finally told him it made me sad when he didn’t come to my birthday. He said he never got the invite or thought it was for something else and was sorry. Come monday he wanted to “hang out”. I told him it would feel good to be taken out on a date for my birthday. He did and then dropped me off, barely kissing me goodnight which felt horrible because I wanted to come inside. I texted him later that night and told him I want to feel like I’m moving towards a relationship. Which I know I should not have done. He told me he wasn’t ready for that (of course) and we didn’t talk for awhile. I lost my mind and tried to “therapize” him a few times and finally just let go and stopped contact. Then he started texting me again. We started sending sexual texts. He wanted to just explore being “playful” said the heavy stuff (talk about relationship) was too much. I had sex with him, which I initiated and it was horrible. I couldn’t tell him how bad I felt and he knew something was wrong. He called me the next day to talk about it. I told him I thought I could be his lover but I realized I can’t and we spoke about being friends. I tried hanging out as his friend helping him with a project he was doing a few days later. He just wanted to use me to go get him and his friends beer and food. Felt horrible. Im not sure if he’s completely toxic or if I just haven’t set up proper boundaries and I can still somehow salvage this. For some reason I still really feel something for him. Any thoughts?