About Feelings – From A MAN

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Look at this comment – from a MAN!:


I found your site after watching one of David D’s programs. I find it much better to read than most men’s columns which are mostly how to pick-up women at the grocery store.

Anyways, I find if I’m feeling “bad,” it also needs to be dug into a bit deeper. “Bad” is a label, to me not much different than “angry.”

What I have found useful is to actually notice the feeling, the PHYSICAL feeling.


How do you feel?


Bad how?

My stomach is tight, my face feels hot, and I feel a tightness in my upper chest. I feel some energy inside me, in my upper chest, and it feels like a heavy weight.

I find this is a good start usually. It gets me away from labels/abstractions and into the real, and I find it works great with women I talk to also.

We get so caught up in labels that we forget what the actual experience is!

Thanks for writing as you do, I only found the site 3 days ago and it’s a daily read now.


From Rori:

Hi, Matt, I wanted to thank you personally for your comment, and hope you’ll continue to contribute  – it’s inestimably valuable to have a man’s input here.

If you like my Feeling Message work – look at the Power & Self Esteem category on the blog, and follow from the first post as I walk you through “The Riff” – it’s exactly what you’re talking about.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 6:33 am

    We get so caught up in labels that we forget what the actual experience is!

  2.  #2Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 6:43 am

    It feels a little scary for me to think of men reading this blog.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Calypso if it is a trigger, it is what you want to be exposed to. It will help to heal the fear. Men are humans with issues too.

  4.  #4Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 6:50 am

    From previous thread:

    Thanks FW. I ended the meeting by telling him that I wished him the best, but that we were not going to be a match because I was way past the point where he is now and could not go back there. I encouraged him to take it slow and wished him the best. I think he was shocked and a little mad that I was not interested in seeing him again. We were not even on a date – he asked to meet me to just talk – we sat in his truck. It felt like an interview anyway – There was a nice place to eat just up the road, but he was afraid someone would see him on a date . . . Lord above!

  5.  #5ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 6:51 am

    I posted and then realized a new thread was up, so I’m reposting 🙂

    Mr. Observant texted with me for an hour last night. It felt so nice and he sounded so clear-headed and good. He put my address in his GPS in his car so “now I can navigate”, he said.

    This morning, he text me that link again for the app. Makes me think this morning swung back the other way. I responded, Thank you! and he responded, You are welcome! 🙂

    I will keep up my positive thoughts! He will get there soon enough. I’m happy his mom and kids are getting him out of the house. That is good for him & he really likes music, so the concerts are good for him to watch.

  6.  #6ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Calypso – I understand how it feels scary for men to be reading this blog. I feel a little twinge myself, but I also enjoy hearing a man’s perspective too.

  7.  #7Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Calypso then again you can’t blame him for trying to get some joy and fun in his life.

  8.  #8ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 7:13 am

    @4 Calypso – I feel proud of you for telling that man no. It’s also not a good thing if he feels he needs to hide in his truck with a woman so people don’t think he’s on a date. There sounds like a lot of drama going on that you aren’t even aware of.

  9.  #9Tam on June 25, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Sorry FW, I posted this on the other thread:

    FW, it is ‘moving towards relationship’ which is why I don’t want to worry too much about it yet (but I am). There has been no sex yet, kissing yes, and he has been trying to ‘ask me out’ saying that he would like to know where this is going but realises it is a bit too early, and I just said ‘yes’…so I feel it is time I discovered how I feel about that. Seeing that he is staying with another woman does not make me feel too good about heading into relationship territory..

    also…what would I say about the female friends thing in the ‘negotiations’ regarding a relationship?
    I also have male friends, though nobody I would stay with really, but surely I can’t expect him to drop his female friends, particularly if he’s had them for years….but it bugs me when there seems to be ‘chemistry’ and not just a friendship. It makes me feel insecure. Just hypothetically speaking now..

  10.  #10Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Tam I am sure he would be willing to tell you who his female friends are so my belief is that you can be open in sharing how you feel about being in a relationship with a man who stays in an exes or girlfriend’s home. Own it as your issue and let him know you pay attention to your gut feelings around these things while also acknowledging that you can’t control a man or want to dictate how he lives his life. Just that you know certain experiences you don’t want because it is too difficult for you to handle.

  11.  #11siren song on June 25, 2012 at 7:20 am

    i woke up today without a feeling of loss in my stomach for guy who loves me.

    i saw him yesterday afternoon and he seemed way less attractive to me…he looked old and tired and sad. he was riding his bike with a frown on his face. i don’t know why, but it struck me as really unatractive. i feel kind of guilty for saying that.

    last week i told him i didn’t want to be involved with him if he was seeing other people. i said i wouldn’t be contacting him anymore. then he sent me a random email about bruce springsteen (wtf?) which i replied to by saying i felt curious as to why he was still in contact. no reply.

    i think about the fights we had toward the end (mostly him screaming at me about CDing) and how stressed and unhappy he was and i feel sick now.

    he also popped up last night in a friend’s facebook photo. he looked sad and tired in the photo too.

    i feel sad that he is so unhappy. but i feel happy that i am finally moving on.

  12.  #12Tam on June 25, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Thank you FW, that sounds dead on.
    Except knowing myself I find it way too hard to muster up the courage to bring these things up, but if he mentions ‘relationship’ I am going to have to.
    I realise it is better to bring these things up at the beginning than to pretend all is fine and then get annoyed and lash out 6 months later….
    Well, he hasn’t been in touch after that episode, who knows, but I believe he will… 🙂

  13.  #13Tam on June 25, 2012 at 7:27 am

    RG – happy about Mr Observant!!

    Calypso…it’s indeed something to be thankful for when someone is honest, even though disappointing to hear the story. I find it much worse when they lie and afterwards you find out the whole truth when you are already attached to them somehow. I had that happen loads of times…you had a lucky escape no doubt

  14.  #14Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Just saw this nugget in a Christian Carter email

    “And like every man, his natural response when you arrive at new levels of commitment will be for him to RESIST you and your relationship.

    Don’t let this frustrate or confuse you in case you thought that becoming engaged meant that he wouldn’t ever act this way again.

    This isn’t how men work. But now you know what to do about it.”

  15.  #15Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 7:42 am

    “There Is Something You Really Need To Know…

    The secret to making a man fall for you – head over heels – is to NOT HOLD BACK!

    Only – and this is truly important – it’s absolutely CRUCIAL to say your truth in the right WORDS…
    Learn To Speak Directly To His Heart And Feel Loved
    If you’re enduring a situation where you don’t feel loved, honored, cared for, or appreciated – how do you say that to your man? Especially if you don’t want to be attacking him, or venting your anger at him, or yelling or complaining?

    To solve this awful situation for you, I created my video program Love Scripts. It’s all about how to say the HARDEST things imaginable to a man – and make him love you MORE!

    There are very specific Tools and techniques for telling a man what you need, what you want, what you won’t tolerate, and how you want HIM to change, and Love Scripts has it all for you – word for word. You’ll know exactly what to say to any man, anytime – and what NOT to say – right here:

    Watch Now

    …at the right time, with the right body language, and radiating the right “vibe” from inside you.

    Here’s how we’ll start with this TELL THE TRUTH Tool:

    Try This “New Rule”:

    If I made “telling the truth to a man” a game for you, where you couldn’t vent, or yell, or complain, or make him wrong – or even say the word “you” to him – how would you say it? In the most truthful, fully expressed way possible?

    I want you to just consider this. Give yourself some time to breathe, mull it over – even if you find your mind back in some old argument – or going over the problem that came up just an hour ago.
    Now, imagine a situation with a man that comes up all the time, that’s bothering you constantly, or seemed to be a pattern of conflict and upset for you in past relationships.
    Now imagine that he’s standing in front of you.
    Allow yourself to FEEL what you feel, what you’ve felt, what the memory brings up for you, and how you feel imagining him standing right there in front of you.
    Get into the Rori Raye Dance Position:

    Get yourself standing comfortably, put one foot in front of the other a bit so you don’t fall over, and lean your upper body BACK.
    Allow your back to curve, allow your belly to hang out in front of you without holding it in or holding your breath.
    Allow your arms to dangle from your shoulders, with your palms turned toward the man you imagine standing in front of you.
    Imagine there’s a big plastic zipper over your heart – and pull that zipper DOWN and expose your heart…
    Allow yourself to feel what it feels like to have your heart open and exposed – literally – to the world and the man in front of you.
    Track your entire body so that you NOTICE what parts are tense – and as you gently allow the tense parts to release and relax and rest – notice where tension shows up in other parts of your body.
    Now imagine what you want to say to him about what you need and want and would change about him and your situation together – and say it OUT LOUD if you can.
    Now write it out for yourself – what you would normally say to him, what you’re imagining saying to him, what you’ve said out loud.

    (It’s great to carry a journal or piece of paper with you to practice this Tool as much as you can to change things as fast as you can…)

    Just write what you instinctively first want to say…using the words you most usually want to use.

    Now –
    TRANSLATE it into Feeling Messages.

    Just rework what you instinctively want to say – how you want to hurl your upset at him – and write it all in POETRY, from your heart – instead of “descriptions” and “reportings” from your head.

    Make it only from you, sharing your feeling state and not linking it at ALL to what has happened or what he’s done or not done, or who he seems to be or not be….
    These are the basics – and where I want to go next with this letter is why this all works so powerfully, and why I want you to do these 2 steps as much as possible. To PRACTICE doing them all day long…

    And it has to do with “intimacy.”

  16.  #16Tam on June 25, 2012 at 7:54 am

    FW, great post…and yet such a hard thing to do. I hate feeling vulnerable, but it’s the only way.

  17.  #17Starla on June 25, 2012 at 8:52 am

    siren song,
    I feel jealous… I wish I could see my ex and feel turned off and be grateful to be moving on, haha.

    I feel obsessed/stuck/missing him/not okay/confused


  18.  #18Starla on June 25, 2012 at 8:58 am

    also, i’m sorry you’re feeling so bad today:( ((((((((hugs))))))) to you

  19.  #19Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I hear you, STARLA!!!

    I feel the same way about GM. I’m so ready to have a day go by without me thinking of him! And just when I start to get better . . . he will contact me and it will start all over again.

  20.  #20Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 9:09 am

    “So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?

    Why do we stay in relationships even when we’re frustrated or even totally unhappy?

    Simple…we want answers. We want CLOSURE.

    Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR SURE is exactly what KEEPS US THERE.

    Weird, isn’t it?

    Actually, it’s really a perfectly normal human thought process called the Zeigarnik Effect.

    According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that “people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed ones”.

    In other words, if we’re “left hanging” in suspense about something, we’re very likely to have a very unsettling feeling until whatever it is can be resolved.

    When a TV show ends with “to be continued”, we’re peeved…but we’re also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!

    And that’s EXACTLY what’s going on in your relationship.

    Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved “mystery” to keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should probably end things.

    Well, here’s what I hope you’ll take away from this conversation above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU’LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL THE ANSWERS.

    Sure, you feel like you don’t want to mess something good up if all of this is in your head. But when the evidence that something fishy is going on starts to mount, it’s time to act.

    And now is one of those times where you’ve got to fight the urge to resolve your suspense and simply let go.

    The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you the information you wanted anyway.

    Why? Well, because it’s also human nature to spill our guts when there’s no longer any reason to keep quiet.

    I realize this will be a hard decision, but I’m rooting for you!

    Have Fun (for a change!),

    Emily McKay

  21.  #21Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 9:09 am

    “So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?

    Why do we stay in relationships even when we’re frustrated or even totally unhappy?

    Simple…we want answers. We want CLOSURE.

    Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR SURE is exactly what KEEPS US THERE.

    Weird, isn’t it?

    Actually, it’s really a perfectly normal human thought process called the Zeigarnik Effect.

    According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that “people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed ones”.

    In other words, if we’re “left hanging” in suspense about something, we’re very likely to have a very unsettling feeling until whatever it is can be resolved.

    When a TV show ends with “to be continued”, we’re peeved…but we’re also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!

    And that’s EXACTLY what’s going on in your relationship.

    Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved “mystery” to keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should probably end things.

    Well, here’s what I hope you’ll take away from this conversation above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU’LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL THE ANSWERS.

    Sure, you feel like you don’t want to mess something good up if all of this is in your head. But when the evidence that something fishy is going on starts to mount, it’s time to act.

    And now is one of those times where you’ve got to fight the urge to resolve your suspense and simply let go.

    The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you the information you wanted anyway.

    Why? Well, because it’s also human nature to spill our guts when there’s no longer any reason to keep quiet.

    I realize this will be a hard decision, but I’m rooting for you!

    Have Fun (for a change!),

    Emily McKay

  22.  #22Starla on June 25, 2012 at 9:10 am

    CF will only contact me when he is totally ready to face the music. He won’t contact me out of weakness or loneliness. He thinks he is doing me a favor by staying completely away, which he is, but it would have been nice if he had honored me enough to speak to me. Maybe I should start reminding myself of all his bad qualities.

  23.  #23Starla on June 25, 2012 at 9:17 am

    I also think it would be good to get my mind off of him by dating, but I feel scared and untrusting of myself not to get distracted and lose myself.

    I want to give it time for CF to fade from my mind a bit, so that the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning is MYSELF, not some man.

  24.  #24Emoticon on June 25, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Hey everybody! Have a Great Week!!

  25.  #25Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Starla – Sometime I focus on the bad things about GM’s behavior, but then I think about the Law of Attraction . . . Yikes! I think you are right – until we can wake up and focus our attention on ourselves and what makes us happy and not on a man – we won’t be ready for a new man. I compare everyone I meet to GM. It get attracted to things that remind me of hima nd annoyed by things (simple things like the sound of their voice) that are not the same. Wasted energy, but at least i am paying attention to what I am feeling . . . and laughing at myself A LOT

  26.  #26Starla on June 25, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I don’t know if I can do this? My gut doesn’t want to let me move on?

  27.  #27lk on June 25, 2012 at 10:18 am

    ” Own it as your issue and let him know you pay attention to your gut feelings around these things while also acknowledging that you can’t control a man or want to dictate how he lives his life. Just that you know certain experiences you don’t want because it is too difficult for you to handle. ”

    FW, this is so good & peaceful…. words like a surfboard so you can ride your feelings & have fun with it. i love it !

  28.  #28Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 10:22 am

    ***Here’s my answer:
    Jennifer, This was EXACTLY right – NO MISTAKE!!! –
    You must ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH…That’s what keeps fear from taking over….and that’s where attraction can grow.
    Some men are simply not able to do real relationship. You know you attract these men and are attracted to them because of your history with Toxic Men.
    Circular Dating will smoke those guys out!
    He’s not backing away because you’re a free spirit…he’s backing away either because the attraction is not deepening for him, or because you’re not as EASY as he’d hoped, or because he’s a Toxic man and somewhere inside he KNOWS he can’t do this, or he just doesn’t ever WANT to do this, he’s just fighting his attraction to you. Or, he just wants sex.
    He may have felt the pressure from you after sex, and he may feel it from inside himself…but it makes no difference…
    Sex is meaningful to a woman, no matter how much of a rock star you aim to be…you can’t help but put out stronger vibes after sex – and if you don’t, you wouldn’t be authentic . That’s why sex should only happen when you know exactly what’s going on with you and you can speak it first.
    Let him back off, and if he shows up again, try not having sex. Just tell him that you could feel the pressure, and you’d rather wait and just have fun with him. From what you say about his coming over…sounds more like a booty call to me, too…let’s see what the other women on the blog can offer you…
    Love, Rori


  29.  #29Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 10:27 am

    3. Keep YOURSELF open.

    You can either radiate a “I’m not available in any way” vibe, or you can radiate a “I’m not married- give it your best shot” vibe, or you can radiate a “I’m exclusively involved at the moment, and I plan to be married, yet I’m open to finding out who you are…” vibe.

    There’s all kinds of ways to be in this world – and closed down is my least favorite.

    There’s a big difference between having your vibe be completely open and available and actually GOING on a literal “date.”

    And there’s a big difference between having coffee at a coffee shop with a man who just came up to you out-of-the-blue, sat down and started a conversation, and letting him pick you up and take you to dinner.

    There’s a lot of gray area in there.

    4. Embrace the gray area.

    In your MIND – see what you can find in that gray area that would work for you.

    A gray area you can actually put into words, that you could actually share with the man you’re exclusive with. (so you can stop guessing.)

    A gray area you can be comfortable with – so that you are always living the Rori Raye Mantra last line – Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose Your Words, and most important here…

    5. Be Surprised.

    Your willingness to be surprised, and to be curious about the world around you and the people in it – including men – can be HUGE. This is ALL Circular Dating


  30.  #30ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 10:29 am

    @31 (((Tam))) Thank you!

  31.  #31ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @13 (((Tam))) Thank you!

  32.  #32Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 10:40 am

    So…Rugby Man always (meaning he has not missed ONE day of texting good morning when he is away!) texts good morning since the first day we met…and I love and appreciate this 🙂

    but last night I woke up to this:

    I know it’s late baby, but I wanted to say goodnight and that I love you 😉

    awww…(((((rugby man)))

    yesterday I expressed that I felt hostage since my surgery and he said he would come save me 😉 my HERO!!! 🙂

  33.  #33ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

    @24 Emoticon

    You have a great week too! 🙂

  34.  #34Mel on June 25, 2012 at 10:53 am


    Interesting repost about the need to know.

    I had an experience recently, that strongly triggered some memories of stuff that was going on with my ex (dating sites). And I could feel myself have this intense desire to know and to investigate and sleuth and figure it out….

    And then I just STOPPED. And I asked myself… why do you want to know?

    Because I don’t want to be cheated on.

    So… even if you knew, could you change anything? Could you prevent it or change him or make sure it didn’t happen?


    So what does it matter then? You’re just going to make yourself crazy over something that you can’t even control anyways…

    And that made me think… whoa…

    And then I felt more rational and could just feel the intense fear and sink into it. And then Mr A noticed the change in my vibe and asked if he could do anything… and of course I had no reason to be afraid. Just old triggers.

    But it really made me think about how knowing is so overrated!

  35.  #35ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 10:53 am

    @32 Awww Jilly…warm & fuzzy, so sweet! 🙂

  36.  #36Mel on June 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Yay Jilly! Was that the 1st “love you”?

  37.  #37Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 11:03 am

    (((receivinggirl)))) I loved hearing about your meal last night …yum!!!

    Mel…nope 🙂 the first time was at the 3 month mark and we went camping with some friends and pulled me away to this cliff view at sunset and told me the first time…we say it quite frequently now

    but he doesn’t usually text good night or anything so last night felt special to me 🙂

    and I love when you post your triggers because I can usually relate…Mr. A sounds Amazing 😉

  38.  #38Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Femininewoman…love post #29! 🙂

  39.  #39ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @37 Thanks, Jilly. I just finished the salad for lunch. It was yummy!

  40.  #40Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Starla…you can do this…you won’t abandon yourself..and I don’t think you ever did abandon yourself…but I do think you have a lot more awareness and stronger boundaries 🙂

  41.  #41ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I’m feeling triggered every day at work. I’m starting to think I need a change.

  42.  #42Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Something that REALLY helped with the Law of Attraction is hearing that we didn’t just come here for the relationship, we came here to WANT the relationship and that there is so much deliciousness in the WANTING, that it feels so good to want the amazing man…that manifesting it is great but the process of manifesting it, is juicy!!

    So then I started relishing the fact that I DID want the relationship and it felt GOOD and kinda magical to be in that space of wanting…

  43.  #43Starla on June 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Thanks, Jilly, I am having a rough one. I feel tears coming on.

  44.  #44ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

    This is interesting. http://www.drfuhrman.com/faq/question.aspx?sid=21&qindex=0

    After I had HPV, high risk precancerous cells that needed to be removed by a cold knife cone biopsy, my gyne told me to take Folic Acid daily forever.

    Now, I read this and think I should stop.

  45.  #45ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 11:18 am


  46.  #46sunflower on June 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I feel unsure and lost as I take small baby steps into speaking my truth,

    I feel mixed up, and sometimes use feeling messages but actually speak from my boy energy..leaning forward when I like a man, wanting to move things..to speed up communication just a little bit..

    I feel sure now it doesnot work..Mr X actually
    emailed and told me that my leaning forward were making him feel “clamped” because he was not yet on the same page, and did not know how to respond..

    I thanked him for sharing his feelings..
    and now silence. haven’t heard from him in nearly a week.
    Maybe he will write back, maybe he won’t….

    It stills feels weird to be rejected
    because deep dowm, I feel like a girl.
    And I feel a little bit embarassed at having leaned forward,
    and confused in figuring out feeling message,
    and I love me,
    and my embarrasement,
    and confusions,
    and the baby steps i take,
    and feel a giggle at how silly I can be, and then recover..and be girly and do nothing!

  47.  #47Emoticon on June 25, 2012 at 11:30 am

    RG what does it say, i didnt see anything when i clicked the link and the feel really interested in what u posted

  48.  #48Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 11:36 am


  49.  #49Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Yesterday I said outloud (To GM – who was of course not there), “I can feel myself falling out of love with you. You are no good for me and I don’t care about you any more.” and then a big fat tear fell down my cheek and then I laughed.

  50.  #50Silver Moonbeam on June 25, 2012 at 11:38 am

    #42 Jilly

    I love to read your stories of you and Rugby Man. Can you please expand on this

  51.  #51Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

    “And then I felt more rational and could just feel the intense fear and sink into it.”

    Thanks Mel. What I find difficult is sinking into the intense fear. I feel like running away. Then when I can’t I reach for food.

  52.  #52Silver Moonbeam on June 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

    WANTING the relationship.

    (Sorry I pressed enter before I had finished.)

  53.  #53ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Emoticon it basically said Folic acid supplements can increase cancer risk & actually cause tumors to grow. It said it can cause problems with babies too. It says to get folate through green veggies & that is what helps decrease cancer risk.

  54.  #54Starla on June 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

    thank you for the hugs:)

  55.  #55Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    (((silver moonbeam))) I’ve missed you 🙂

    yes…so…we usually associate wanting with a “bad” feeling…a sense of lack…like I’m not happy now but if only I had _______ (insert: perfect body, more money, a great relationship), I would be so much happier.

    But we came here to WANT those things. It’s a good thing to want those things. If we come from a place of feeling ok (good) with the WANTING of it (even enjoying that feeling of wanting it), it takes on a whole different perspective and “vibe”.

    So instead of saying “Oh I don’t care, I give up, it’s never going to happen” and feeling despair…it’s more like “wow, these feelings of wanting something are really juicy and amazing and I came here to want these feelings”

    reminds me of riffing and loving our feelings…

  56.  #56Daria on June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm


  57.  #57Starla on June 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    “So instead of saying “Oh I don’t care, I give up, it’s never going to happen” and feeling despair…it’s more like “wow, these feelings of wanting something are really juicy and amazing and I came here to want these feelings””


  58.  #58Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Receiving Girl it seems the problem is related to the supplementation. Dominique I know is an advocate of using food sources to get vitamins and minerals. This article suggests using food sources is the best option so I would look for a good organic source if I were you.

  59.  #59Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    So – I just got another email from a new POF guy and so I logged on real quick to check him out and immediately saw that he is from the same small town where GM lives and my heart literally “kicked” . . .

    Now all I can think is, I wonder if they know each other . . . I wonder what GM would think if I dated someone he knows . . .

    Make it stop!!!

  60.  #60Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I just tried ““wow, these feelings of wanting something are really intense and I came here to want these feelings””. Then I was able to physically hug myself. It felt like acceptance to me as in just “there” rather than logical rationalizing.

  61.  #61ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    FW – Yes. The thing that bothers me is we trust our doctors when they tell us to do something to help us, we assume they must know what they’re talking about, but do they? I feel like boycotting doctors.

  62.  #62Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    yes!! that’s it! no logicalness about it 🙂 that’s probably not a word 😉

  63.  #63ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I was just thinking I will probably see BoatGuy & MilitaryGuy at a party this Sat. That’ll be interesting. ShyGuy will also be there & hopefully Mr. Observant will feel up to it. Oh boy!

  64.  #64Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Receiving Girl I don’t do that I question them sometimes to the point of them feeling annoyed with me. Plus I also do my own research and make some of the decisions. For instance most times I refuse to take antibiotics. I was recently prescribed oxycodone and I stopped taking them long before I was supposed to.

  65.  #65Dominique on June 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Yes Femininewoman, this is mostly true – #58. There are exceptions, for example if there are absorption difficulties (though this would include the supplement too).

    Herbal infusions are great for dietary supplementation i.e. get higher levels of nutrition, and these are food sources so safe AND very easy to digest and assimilate, reed clover, comfrey, oatstraw are my favorites. Other good ones are nettle and violet.

    As much as I like herbs and do sometimes suggest them taken in powdered form or capsule, they are medicines, and need to used with some knowledge if not caution.


  66.  #66Femininewoman on June 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I also don’t do routine mouth x-rays that dentists want to do twice per year and I don’t allow it on the kids either. I’ve not had any major health issues but my belief is that if I can trust them with my health I can trust myself too. Even if it is only to read and stay as informed as I possibly can.

  67.  #67Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    I’ve been feeling so angry lately. It has been a long time since I have felt this angry. Every time a man looks at me, I seriously want to bite his head off. I feel angry at myself for every little perceived mistake I’ve ever made.

    For some reason I feel mad at my Dad. He is a good man, and so much better than so many men and dads out there, but I feel like, rage towards him.

    Like, why have I never been good enough for you? Good enough to spend time with? Good enough to have my health taken care of, by you, the primary breadwinner of the family? Why did you teach me to work to the point of exhaustion, have me save all that money, and then not teach me how to manage it?

    Why didn’t you emphazise the importance of academics, and then get mad at me when I didn’t live up to the expectations you had for me until it was too late to meet up to them?

    Why don’t you care enough about me to respect my deeply wounded feminine heart? Why do you get angry when I get sad and angry with you?

    I feel so broken, angry, guilty, and ungrateful.

    and so confused…

    Why do men STARE at me without approaching? What do you want me to do? If you don’t know me, you could at least be less creepy and smile!

    I feel so much anger…

  68.  #68boasgirl on June 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Posted this on the last thread – will repost it here:

    Thank you @559 smile and @564Receiveing girl!

    Receiving girl, no, no phone numbers … but i have a feeling there could have been, if i would have stayed -i left with my friend, very suddenly, and we didn’t really get to know each other –

    i want to practice being open and receiving – it’s been so hard for me … because of past traumas. i usually freeze or flee … or become “agressive”, in the sense of trying to take control of the situation.

    Today a guy i met on the street stopped me and asked me if i wouldhave coffee with him. He was good looking, but obviously lonely and poor and maybe intoxicated by some substance. weird – but a nice person. we talked, and i just hugged him – he wanted my phone number, but i said no. He gave me his.

    feeling positive about change, good advice 🙂

    hugs to both of you

  69.  #69Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    why are you JUST NOW working on your marriage with my mom? Why did you marry her? Why did you bother having girls, when clearly you wanted sons? what do you want from me?

    Why am I not good enough for you?

    If I was an illegal immigrant teenage boy, would you care more about me then?

    Why do you care so much about that type of person?

    Why am I not broken enough for you to love and invest in?

  70.  #70Tam on June 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    RG, that sounds like some interesting party…oh dear!! Lots of practice…

    Seems my English guy has indeed poofed after staying at his female ‘friend’s’ place and her posting winks and kisses and how good it was to ‘have him back’. Guess poofing solves my dilemma in one way?!

    To be honest, maybe better… I still have my head full of Mr U, and better to clear one out first, eh?

  71.  #71Dominique on June 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Receiving Girl – Red clover infusion is particularly high in all the B vitamins which would include folic acid. You may want to try drinking it daily or alternate with one or ore of the other choices I listed.

    You make infusion by pouring about a quart of boiling water over a good sized handful of the herb. I use a coffee/tea press. Let steep eight hours or overnight.

    Strain (or press) and refrigerate. Drink within three days. I mix it with other teas, for example I will half fill a mug with infusion, add water, and put in another tea in bad or bulk.

    I don’t love the taste alone but mixed it’s good.

    I buy all my bulk herbs at Mountain Rose Herbs online.


  72.  #72Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    So my friend is going through a pretty big break up with her boyfriend right now and they have lived together for about 5 years. They never got married because she didn’t want to do the “divorce” thing again and get lawyers involved.

    Well now, all of a sudden he wants to get the lawyers involved with the split and who gets what. She is committed to having her “dream break up” so she is saying “who knew that my dream break up would involve lawyers??” this totally changes her outlook from…NO, this isn’t supposed to happen like this…to openness and being surprised.

    I just love that!

  73.  #73Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    I hate the way you talk to me like I’m stupid. So condescending. I have a college degree and you don’t. granted, I wouldn’t have it without you, but why do you think I’m so stupid?

    Like, why?

    Maybe I just need to feel shaky and cry. Maybe i don’t need to have a reason.

    I’m sorry I’m so freaking unstable. I’m sorry I’m not the perfect poster daughter who followed an exact life plan that you never bothered to explain to me.

  74.  #74Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    RG…I can’t wait to hear about this party!!

  75.  #75boasgirl on June 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    and also, just want to say that the man who wrote this article seems way cool 🙂

    i might take his advice right now – i feel tight in my chest, tense between the shoulders, and like something wants to come out – like crying, but i don’t.

    ifeel tense in my back. maybe it is a roar that wants to come out –

    i feel like making love to a man –

  76.  #76Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    why haven’t you ever protected me from anything or anyone? aren’t you supposed to protect me? I mean, it’s not like you abandoned me in the permanent sense. but I still feel abandoned.

    Why do you hate me?
    Why do you want to trade me in for a different model of daughter?
    Why did you never care about your other daughter?
    Don’t you see what happened because of that?

    But you can do no wrong…because you are there for everyone except your own family…

  77.  #77Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    and I know I’m going to read this later and regret all of it. even though no one knows who I really am, it’s like somehow someone will still know.

    and I wonder how I’m going to feel when you die…

    and I wonder what God’s going to tell you when you get up there…

  78.  #78Jilly on June 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Femininewoman…I love hearing that you do that! Me too! and I don’t do the fluoride mouth wash at the dentist either that they charge like $50 for.

    And I stopped taking my RX as soon as I could.

  79.  #79Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    and I had to hear “his” name again last night. and it still hurts, after four years, it still freaking hurts. Will it ever stop hurting?

    I want my life back.

  80.  #80boasgirl on June 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm


  81.  #81Starla on June 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    lama, it feels good to see you let it out.

  82.  #82Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    all I ever wanted was your approval. I feel too dependent on you, financially, emotionally, intellectually, in every way.

    and I hate that I know that you did the very best you could.

    and I hate that I want kids and that I’ll mess up with them. just as much as if not worse than I’ve already been messed up.

    and I just want to be held.

    and told that it’s going to be okay. that my feelings and perceptions aren’t crazy. that my pain is real and understandable. and it’s okay to feel it. and it’s okay to have it, even though so many people have ti so much worse. and it’s okay to want so desperately to move past it and to never be affected by it again.

    I want to go home.
    I want to go to that home that I know somehow, but that I’ve never been to…

    the home I was made for…

    where is it?
    Take me there, please.

    God please, take me.

  83.  #83Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    it feels so stinking good to ball my eyes out. why is it so wrong to ball your eyes out? why is it so wrong to feel in front of people that don’t know you very well?

  84.  #84Smile on June 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I feel relaxed and energised after my swim! Exercise is really helping my mood. I’ve got bums and tums tomorrow after work and then spin on Wednesday. This body WILL get into ship shape!

    The library @ the gym was closed when I came out… I’m hoping tomorrow the law of attraction book will just be sitting right there on the shelf waiting for me.

  85.  #85Smile on June 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Sending lots of positive vibes and hugs to all the sirens

  86.  #86Tam on June 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm


  87.  #87boasgirl on June 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Iamabutterfly, i can totally relate to this. Thank you for balling your eyes out!!!

  88.  #88Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    thanks Boasgirl, Starla, and Tam! I feel so cathartically relieved…I feel emptied out…

  89.  #89Iamabutterfly on June 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    @87boasgirl – thank you so much. I feel guilty because he is such a good man and has done so much for me. feels good to not feel like I’m crazy and ungrateful…

  90.  #90siren song on June 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    guy who loves me just emailed me a link to a new story on meditation with no text. just the link. i feel kind of sad. it seems so random.

  91.  #91Jessie1000 on June 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm


    I used to let men do things for me to pamper me because for some reason i wasnt doing them for myself.

    I used to let them commit to me

    Instead of committing to myself

    I used to let them marry me and love me instead of marrying myself and loving myself.

    I used to need them to hold me and make me happy, instead of holding myself and doing things that would make me happy.

    Then when they asked me for something, I couldnt say no because i was dependant on them.

    I changed. If they asked me to not hang with that girl cause shes no good. I said yes.

    If they asked me to cook and clean even while i was studying and taking care of my kids. I said yes.

    If they asked me to have sex. I said yes. Even when i was exhausted and didnt give a crap.

    Soon they loved me alot.

    But i didnt love me. How could they love me when I was not ever myself?

    I was their creation. And a very unhappy one.

    I had no self love. My thoughts were consumed with making sure this man was around to care for me, build me up and support me.

    Only I didnt know then that I could care for me, build myself up and support myself.

    I discovered that I liked to spend time with myself.

    That stopped me from needing them to spend time with me….our chronic fight–same with all my bfs.

    I shoulded them to death.

    You should make up your mind about me.

    You should need me.

    You should spend all your free time with me.

    You should buy me things.

    You should pay my bills.

    You should never be too busy for me.

    You should think that I am always your most important friend.


    Why would anyone like me?

    Now i light the candles for myself.

    Now I date myself. I ask myself questions. I get to know myself.

    I ask myself….How are you today? What do you need? Do you feel sick? Are you lonely? Do you just need a break?

    And I answer myself with compassion. Not with perfectionism.

    I answer myself with….I need some time to unwind.

    I need to sit down. I need to watch my favorite show and cuddle up with my kids.

    I need to buy groceries that I like too and spend time to make them special for MYSELF….not some dude im dating at the time.


    I need to curl up with my favorite book. What is your favorite book? today Im not sure.

    I need to wash my hair and make it curly, not straighten it cause i like it this way, who cares what my bf thinks.


    I need to forgive myself for my imperfections and commit myself to a true real relationship with myself First. Then i can love the hell out of everyone else.

    Kisses girls.

  92.  #92Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Lama – I can totally feel your pain and understand where you are coming from. I felt a lot of those same emotions about my mother. She was an alchoholic my entire life and a terrible mother. She loved me, but in a sickening, needy way that made me hate her and any sign of affection from her. The sound of her voice used to make me cringe.

    I used to always wonder how terrible I would feel after she was dead if i did not learn how to deal with my feelings while she was alive.

    Now she is in a nursing home with advanced Alheizerms. I have grown so much as a person since this has happened to her. For a while she did not even know who i was, but she is stable enough now and her routine at the nursing home has helped a lot.

    I visit her every evening and take her out on wed nights and on Sunday mornings. I have a new understanding of my mother as a person – with all of her faults and issues of her own. She is like a child and always has been and i resented her so much, but I have found healing.

    I hope you will too! I never thought it would be possible, but we have a loving relationship now.

  93.  #93Rebecca on June 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Lol, I am feeling down..

    Why can’t I be attracted to nice guys..? So many nice guys like me and I am not attracted to them… Sob…

    I’m feeling depressed. I can’t imagine my life changing and I feel like I’ve done soooo much work on myself.. Where am I going wrong?

  94.  #94Starla on June 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    I am reading online message board threads about people who got dumped in email. so class-less.

    I am now considering deleting CF and blocking him on facebook, and sending a note to his sister that i’m deleting her because it will help me move on if I don’t see her profile pop up on my friends list, since it reminds me of him. I might even add in that I feel ridiculous for even having to do that, but it’s been very hard to move on after getting dumped in an email and never getting to have a real conversation ever again. That I tried to move on without taking drastic measures, but it’s unfortunately proving necessary. And wish her and her whole family well. I spent a good amount of time with her mom and daughter, so it would feel nice to wish them well and explain myself, and not just “pull a CF” and disappear, lol.

  95.  #95Starla on June 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    The other option is to just stay off of facebook except for when I’m posting new translations for my website.

  96.  #96ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    @FW 64 & 66

    The only medication I take is Plaquenil for my autoimmune. It took care of my skin rashes from the sun and my skin ulcers are less frequent. I don’t take antibiotics because I’ve always had problems with them. I also don’t take the anti-inflammatories because I don’t feel they do a good enough job. I don’t take anything for headaches either. I’ve started not taking cold remedies either. My dentist does x-rays 1x per year, but I don’t have teeth issues. Never had a cavity. I’ve been off birth control for 6 months and don’t plan on going back on that either. It messes up my body.

    I’ve been eating organic since October. I do tend to eat more fruit than veggies, so I’m going to switch that around. I was reading about Dr. Furhman’s Eat for Health and I’m going to stick to veggies, fruit, beans, quinoa, brown rice, flax seeds, and oils.

    I’ve also decided to start running after work. I think I will stop the folic acid and multi-vitamin. I’ll keep up the Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I’ll also keep with the oil pulling. Give this all a few months and see how I feel.

    I feel I need to come up with my own solutions because I don’t like these flares and I don’t want to spend $1500 on healthcare on top of my premiums every year. I could use that money for a lovely vacation! 🙂

    This was what I thought about all day at work today.

  97.  #97ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    @71 Dominique

    Thank you! I will give this a try. Do you leave out while steeping or refrigerate?

  98.  #98Rebecca on June 25, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Jessie1000 ~ what an amzing post (one above). Thanks! I’m going to cut out and kerp because i feel like it was written for me!!

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  99.  #99Starla on June 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    argh, how annoying. everything has double intention to it. on one hand, it helps me move on. on the other hand, i secretly hope to get a response out of him for it.

  100.  #100Starla on June 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    hmm i believe i can let go of him and lose my longing for him without “doing” anything from this point on. Hmmm. I wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow?

  101.  #101Linda on June 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Ladies and Gents (if they are watching)

    I came home today and felt angry. I felt sad early this morning. Tethered to the truth. THen later I am just mad. How dare a man who I broke it off with, beg to come back… leave 2 years later for the same reasons I broke it off in the first place. Rejection is rejection. No amount of love, support, understanding, space, giving, leaning back, mirroring, talking, listening made any difference.

    I thought I am not a reject! HE is. He is NO PRIZE. I am the prize. I have even said that to him and he said “I dont see it”. Ugh!

    So… I got online, opened up my profile again. There was a man who had viewed and I thought he looked fun. His name was Wisecracker4U…. so … I took a chance, (I never write men first).. I wrote to him the following: Hello, I thought I would seen you actually send you a note instead of just viewing you like you did me. You look fun!

    He responded right away. “I actually tried to email you… lol” so I wrote back. “Thats okay. I broke the email barrier first. and introduced myself”. I ended it with “tag you are it”…. and a smiley face.

    He wrote back right away “This is NOT A GAME TO ME.”

    WOW…. I could not believe what I read!! ” I sent a reply that said ” I was feeling light hearted. I did not mean to offend you, my appoligies. I hope you have a good evening.”

    I thought I would re-read what I wrote and he BLOCKED ME!!?? What did I do? Sure I leaned forward a bit but jeez that felt really harsh!

    I mean really his name was Wisecracker4U.

    I stuck my head out of the dust I feel buried in and got it shot at! sigh


  102.  #102Starla on June 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    haha Linda, yikes. NEXT.

  103.  #103Linda on June 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I dont understand men obviously. Not at all…

    One time my ex- was headed out to the library and a local ice cream parlor is right by there. I said, “hey honey, stop on your way back and pick up a dilly bar” that sounds so yummy, what do you think””……. he said “You want me to pay for a dilly bar for you, when I just gave you money for expenses”??!!!!….. I was shocked, got in my purse and tossed a $20 at him, “I said here that that $20 you gave me 2 weeks ago, I did not spend it”…. “I did not ask you for a diamond ring! I asked for a $1.39 ice cream bar”! … He said, “you could have a little compassion and stop asking for me to spend money. I told him to “keep his money, I did not want or need it”….. He got up and left…. a little bit later he came back with a whole box of dilly bars. I did not eat a single one!

    I felt attacked and disbelief!……. I did not expect such a thing to happen over a simple request. I would have never…..no ….. I should have not been treated that way! EVER.

    I am SUPER confused and just plain offened at this kind of crap!


  104.  #104Rebecca on June 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Linda ~ that sounds awful and sort of re-emphasises how I feel this evening about ‘men’..

    Sorry to sound so un-sireny but i am really so fed up with feeling dis-heartened by men in general. I don’t know why but I am always clashing with them.

    Everytime I seem to have an opinion they seem to step in with an ‘I know best’ attitude and talk to me like I am stupid. I am so sick of it – even so-called male ‘friends’.

    I feel like such a scape goat at times. They only treat me like this because they can. I just think its a confidence thing…

  105.  #105Linda on June 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Really now… dont you think that a guy online with a name like Wisecracker4U would have a sense of humor? LOL Maybe he should rename himself

    “SERIOUS SAM” or “RED SNAPPER”… or maybe “NEGATIVE NED”…… oh now I am cracking myself up!


  106.  #106Linda on June 25, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Rebecca. Here is my famous quote. “People will treat you the way you let them”…. DONT let them

    Speak up for yourself. It may feel strange at first but you will get the hang of it. I promise.

    I started speaking up… I feels protective and like I value myself.

    (((rebecca))) and (((myself))) too

    You know what???… enough of old grumps and icky men online….
    It is a beautiful evening. I am going to get dressed and go to my favorite restaurant by the water and have a bite of dinner and a beer all by myself!


  107.  #107Yulia on June 25, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Dear Rori

    I met a man on Match.com and right after we started dating he had his first ‘attempt to ‘dump’ me, motivating with the fact that I DIDN’T CLOSE my match.com profile although HE DID. Long story short, i kept the match.com profile and he said it doesn’t matter anymore. We continued to progress into relationship, and we had ‘overwhelming sexual attraction’ to each other. He said he loves me, he also has small children and we seen each other only each second week. He is a very ego-driven, silent and diplomatic type, who accumulates thoughts and judgments about me (or a woman he is dating) and then, if something is not up to his standards, without telling the ‘true’ reason, he dumps us. After reading your material, i started to communicate to him and i said that i want to be married and i feel crazy about him.. He said he loves me BUT HE DOESN’T TRUST me because he can see that i am on match.com and he thinks i can dump him for somebody ‘better’ any time. I said I am crazy about him and I am ready to be married to him, but he ‘dumped’ me so many times that I just need the match. com in order to maintain some kind of ‘sensible’ state of mind and if he dumps me again – to be at least able to have some options. After that he just ‘dumped’ me again, no explanation. I feel ‘withdrawal’ symptoms, but also i have 3 questions to you, Rori, please help:
    1/ if he contacts me, shell i be an ‘invitation”?
    2/ i have an urge to contact him and ask to ‘talk’. Is that a right thing to do, because it feels like it will give me an ‘ease’…
    3/I have a lot of guys available to ‘circle’ date with me. Shell i talk to them about having this ‘post ‘trauma’ feelings after the break? i tried to have ‘sex’ with other man in order to get him out of my system, but it was rather a disaster…:)) nothing is comparable in my ill mind…:))..I often i cry and get sad in a presence of a new ‘guy’. Do i need to hide this or rather talk about it to my dates?

  108.  #108Rebecca on June 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Linda ~ whenever I speak up for myself I fall out wirh people. I’m not sure why I just do.

    Like today I stood up for myself against a male friend of mine who was giving me some career advice. I pointed out something to him and I has to keep repeating myself until he took any notice of me. Basically I was going against what he was saying and unfortunately I am quite a rare species because I have the ability to ‘think’ for myself. I HATE when people offer me advice and they don’t like it when I don’t agree with them. Cus guess what i can think for myself and i am usualky right. But cus i am classed as a dizzy girlie no-one believes me. G’ssss why are people so judgemental – I am sick of it…

    I hate people that talk ‘down’ to me. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it…. Yaaaaahhhh why am i sooo angry…!!! I just want people to take me more seriously…. Why do i have to be a certain way for people to take me seriously.. Why do people have zero compassion unless they can slot you in a box. I don’t fit in a box. Yayyy… I am me… And just cus you don’t ‘get me’ i’m not gonna stop being me… Ha!

  109.  #109Dominique on June 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    Receiving Girl – #97 You leave it out while steeping. All the ones I mentioned are so FULL of other vitamins and minerals. Comfrey is full of bone strengthening calcium and magnesium. If you want the list of nutrients found in the suggested ones, let me know.

    I have assimilation problems since I do not have a colon, and I have found the infusions to be my savior in terms of giving the nutrients I need which I don’t so easily get from foods, and pills just go right through though I question their efficacy in assimilation for anyone.

    Start more slowly, say 1/2 cup a day, and see how you feel. If all feels good, increase to 1 cup. It is recommended for a 125 lb person to drink 2 cups a day. Adjust to your weight.


  110.  #110ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Ok, I haven’t had time to catch up on the blog, but I am SOOO EXCITED!! Mr. Observant called and I’m going to see him tonight!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  111.  #111ReceivingGirl on June 25, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    @108 Thank you Dominique. I really appreciate all the tips!

  112.  #112Rori Raye on June 25, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Yulia – it is absolutely impossible to be in a “real relationship” with someone you only see every 2 weeks. (Unless you’re long distance for serious reasons, and he’s making every effort to get to see you as often as he can.) If he calls again, say “I feel strong feelings for you, and yet seeing you every 2 weeks isn’t enough for me to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Would you like to negotiate what I would consider a real relationship and what you want, also? I’d be happy to get off online dating for you.” And see what he says. Also – you can Circular Date and still close down your online dating profile temporarily. That doesn’t mean you don’t talk with and flirt with and have coffee and walks with men you meet on the street, in classes, etc…it’s just not so “in your face” as being on match. Love, Rori

  113.  #113Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    RL has been texting me every day that he misses me. He is staying away because I cancelled our plans for last weekend and told him I needed some “Me” time. This after he asked me if it was ok if he changed his FB relationship status and tagged me – which he asked via text . . . and I said it was too soon and we needed to talk about it, but we never talked about it!
    I drafted an entirely too long email to him last week that you Sirens correctly told me not to send, but how many times can you reply to “I miss you!” with a smiley face and get away with it?
    So – tonight I texted him back with, “I do not want to hurt your feelings. I am not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. There are a lot of things we should have discussed before becoming involved.”
    He replied with, “No problem” . . .
    He did not ask what all I should have discussed with him and I held back and just let it go at that. Not going to rip the band-aid off and try to put it back on again. I also refrained from blaming him, which I might have done in the past. I just found out he smokes pot every night . . . a real trigger from my past that I am not going to expose myself to again.
    NEXT!!! I really don’t feel like it, but I’m going to go check out my new POF emails. It’s times like this that I really just want to kick GM in the nuts!!!

  114.  #114Lily Medusa on June 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Hi Receiving Girl,
    I’m sorry I missed your question about The Law of Attraction book I recommended. I was away from my laptop for the weekend. Looks like I missed out! I wonder if you found an answer on your own. In case you’re still looking, I was referring to the book The Law of Attraction by authors Esther and Jerry Hicks.

    I had gone to my local library to pick up a different book, and when I was searching for that other book I looked up and The Law Of Attraction was sitting on the shelf just above my eye level. Calling to me. I’m glad I picked it up and took it out of the library. That other book could wait.

    It works.

  115.  #115Calypso on June 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    A little insight into the mind of a man . . . RL just unfriended me on FB . . . he obviously did not have any hesitation in making sure he did not see constant reminders of me on there!

    It is funny to me that he did not even ask what was going on – just accepted that i did not want a relationship and moved on that quick. It reminds me of a conversation we had on our first date – he has no contact with his kids – they got mad at him over something years ago and he just walked away . . .

  116.  #116LobbyStar on June 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    OMG. My latest CD and I spoke on the phone tonight for the first time. We are going to meet on Sunday evening. And I didn’t feel nervous when he called, and I don’t feel nervous about meeting him.

    After we got off the phone, he texted me: “Good night and sweetest dreams, until it be morrow… thy bird.”

    I feel so smiley.

  117.  #117Esteemed on June 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Go Matt!

    I like it having men on here!

  118.  #118Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Hi sirens. Feeling better today, and relieved that I didn’t constantly think about dreamy… Who isn’t so dreamy anymore, so now I’ll just call him S. I am going to change dramas name too. Focus on the positives right? I think I’ll call call him Mr. Conversation, because we have some very lengthy ones. We flirt, but are just friends now, no kissing… It’s really nice to have him as a cd, because I feel hurt about S, and don’t feel pressured at all to seem happy or up. I’m just me. We’ve said we’ll trade favors, help each other out: cooking lessons for yard work, babysitting etc. well, he needed a favor and asked if I could babysit his little one. I said sure, she’s sweet and girls kept her entertained. As I rocked her to sleep, I forgot all about men and relationships and drama… And just enjoyed this sweet baby girl and spending time with her. Our kids go to school together, could be friends a long time. For that reason, I’d hesitate to have a romance with him because my track record is just a few months. But tonight we sat on the couch and talked for hours, a boy was mean to my little one and she came in crying. He asked her all about it, if she wanted him to go beat up the kid… Just like her dad would have. Made me realize how much I really do want to share my daily life with someone, have nights like this. I wonder if having a guy best friend, just plautonic… If that would take some of the pressure off I feel to be married.

  119.  #119Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    And I have been totally on with dating men I only saw every few weeks, mostly because they lived far. No more of that for me. Conversation lives 1.5 miles away, and S is 20 min. Way less complicated without the distance.

  120.  #120Esteemed on June 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Feeling overwhelmed with my kitten situation. I think two of the three remaining kittens have feline parvo in the early stages. I don’t have the time, money, or energy to keep taking kittens to the vet every day. I already spent $550 this weekend, $500 of which was Care Credit that I still owe.

  121.  #121Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    And thinking I’m going to unfriend C on Fb. He changed his relationship status already, she posts all over his page, hers isn’t private… He sent her flowers, he’s even friends with her mom who is posting on his page. Yikes! With most guys, that would be too much… But he Isn’t like most guys. He likes serious. He introduced me to his family right away. I’m sure she’ll be coming home with him next time. I don’t need the to ration to check up on them. Makes me feel kinda sick. He told me today that I’ll like her. Maybe I will, but don’t want to be buddies.

  122.  #122Jessie1000 on June 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    oh no esteemed! poor kitties

    I once had a kitten that didnt eat for like 3 days. I took her to the vet…she was so sick and only like 9 weeks old.

    I had no money so i scraped together my groc. money for the week and took her in.

    The vet looked her all over. Couldnt find anything wrong with her!! THe vet then said, the exam was like 70.00 and for another 50.oo he would euthanize her.

    I freaked out. I told him no and took her home.

    As soon as I got home then she ate her face off lol and lived to a ripe old age of 16…fat and sweet for her whole life. lol

    Im so sorry to hear that …do u have like a kijiji or craigs list? Maybe put the kittens on and ask if someone who loves cats would help you….tell them ur situation and that u dont want them to suffer

    Even call a vet and ask if they would take them off ur hands better than them suffering…they might at least test for u and then u could make a decision with sure results.

    Lets hope the universe has a benevolant rich person oout there who will give some love to ur babies lol

    Sorry to hear that honey


  123.  #123Esteemed on June 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm


    121, that must be so hard to deal with. I can’t imagine.

  124.  #124Memulo on June 25, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Wow Turquoise. I really missed a lot on the blog. #121 – when did this happen?

  125.  #125Memulo on June 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    Yay RG! Hope you have a wonderful evening!

  126.  #126Esteemed on June 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm


    122 – Excellent Idea! I just posted on CL for advice or whatever.

  127.  #127Memulo on June 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Starla, you’re trying girl but you’re not THAT tough 😉 it once took me 4 years to get over someone. Believe me, now I can really see the value of these 4 years to me. How could I be sooooooooo stupid LOL

  128.  #128Memulo on June 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    I texted my guy and he got back with texts and calls immediately!! He is thinking about my birthday gift! And we will spend tomorrow together 😉

  129.  #129Starla on June 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    haha I just saw CF’s fb profile icon pop up on my friend’s module on facebook, and I surprisingly thought to myself “ughhhh GO AWAY!!” Now I am smiling because it felt liberating and like I won’t hopelessly be pining for him forever. Thank goodness!!

  130.  #130Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    He emailed me Friday to let me know he’d recently met someone and started dating her. I don’t even think its been 2 weeks, but that’s his style… Move fast! I do want him to be happy though, and wished him the best. When he was here 2 times ago we got into a huge argument, full blown screaming at each other, because he thought the back yard should be neater… And it was honestly fine. That was all I needed to truly remember what life was like for us together. At that point, knew I needed to let that dream go.

  131.  #131Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    Esteemed, very sad about your kitties. I hope things get better soon!

    Happy birthday Memulo! 🙂

  132.  #132Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    🙂 Starla, isn’t that a great feeling?

    Oh, and my trade for the babysitting, I get a back massage 🙂 seeing him again tomorrow night! I don’t really have guy friends, so this is nice! I asked him why guys poof and he said because they really don’t want to have the conversation and have us go psycho. Apparently they really think we will go crazy. I remember reading that a man would rather walk on hot coals than tell you you aren’t the one for him. Hmmm cowards. Tomorrow I’m going to ask him why they come back.

  133.  #133Turquoise on June 25, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Wait… I left part out, he said something happens that feels off… So they pull back, and then poof rather than have the conversation.

  134.  #134LoveAlways on June 25, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Happy Birthday Memulo!!!

  135.  #135Starla on June 25, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    I pity a poofer. I imagine that in 6 months CF will realize “ohh, actually, she never freaked out and was totally kind and respectful, even though i was a total d*ck about things”

    lololol. I am feeling much better tonight.

  136.  #136Starla on June 25, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    And it’s a great feeling to know that *I* never freaked out on him. My friends, guys and girls, are all in awe of how I never freaked on him, stayed kind and calm, and never begged either. They have all told me stories of how their exes all acted totally insane, or how THEY acted insane.

    I’m like, “please, I learned from Rori.”


  137.  #137Starla on June 25, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    one last thing before i go to bed
    i totally found the car i want to buy. just need to take it to the mechanic for a check-out and then it’ll be mine:) it’s beautiful and luxurious and a great price. I can’t wait to pose with it for pictures:) I have a purse that matches it, haha.

  138.  #138Tereana on June 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    That’s weird. I just made a post, and it disappeared…hm…

    Well, ladies, I just had a huge roller coaster of a day.

    Remember last week, when I told you all that my friend “N” had “stepped up” and said that he wanted to be there with me after my big, scary doctor’s appointment? Well, it turns out it was all talk. None of it was real. Not one little bit. I told him how good I felt about it. In fact, maybe I told him a little too much. But the point is, he told me multiple times that he was going to be there. And today, when I waited 45 minutes, and he wasn’t there (1/2 an hour of that was the allowance for the time frame – he was coming from work on his lunch break), I called him. And he said hadn’t he told me that he couldn’t make it? Well, no, in fact, he hadn’t told me that.

    So there I was, alone, and in pain. Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, and all he has for me is, “Sorry, I can’t get off work.”

    Okay, fine. But don’t tell me that you are going to do it and then not do it.

    And at the same time that I am having these anger-ish feelings, I feel that there is something else going on. In some way, I am not angry at all. It just IS. No amount of anger or upset, or anything on my part is going to make WHAT IS any little bit different. So I have no energy to waste.

    I feel betrayed.

    And then tonight, I called K, just to talk – I wanted a friendly ear to listen to me. (And I had some. Several friends called or contacted me to offer support.) But for some reason, I wanted to talk to K. Well, he said could he call me back later.

    Well, no surprise. He hasn’t called.

    It’s this expectation thing – dangit! The guy says, “I’ll do x.” Which is probably a polite way of saying that they have an intention, and in another way, maybe just a way of them saying what they think we want to hear. Which is often *exactly* what I want to hear. Although did I want to hear that K will call me back later? No, I wanted to talk to him right then. I feel a little disappointed that he’s not calling me. I feel a little bit of emptiness. But not a lot of surprise.

    I don’t like this lack of surprise. Why I am I so willing and able to be disappointed by men? Why is it that I get men regularly overpromising and underdelivering? Nobody likes that. If I am a “customer,” I don’t want the business that I go to to tell me they can do everything for me, and then not be able to do even the first thing. I’m never going to use that business again. But then again, I guess here I am, going back to the same business (K) that already told me that they couldn’t handle my needs and wouldn’t be able to deliver.

    I guess it’s kind of like self-torture in a way…

    maybe I should stop doing that. Only I wonder how?…lol

    On the plus side, I shared some of my travails on FB – in a rare “out” and “open” moment for me of baring my most personal truths. It’s been happening more, recently, and it doesn’t feel so bad. Actually, it feels kind of good! I got a lot of positive response from that. And also, I did a lot of nice things to take care of myself today. So, in all, I didn’t really “need” my so-called friend “N” to be there to take care of me. He wasn’t there to take care of me. I wish that he hadn’t promised that. But at least it helped get me through. And in the end, I feel stronger. He just is the way he is. And no amount of goodness on my part is going to change his stripes. I just know what works for me and what doesn’t. And even for a friendship, his behavior was far below my standard of excellence. And so he gets to be relegated to the status of minor acquaintance. But friend, he is not. I could give him “another chance.” But I know that he is a slick-talking man who is often able to “charm” people. Yet now I see below the surface of the charm, and see clearly that there is nothing there that is substantial to prop up that image – much as I am sure he believes that there is. I can see what substance looks like in a person. And it consists of Action, not verbiage.

    But I am deciding not to be “mad” at K. What’s to be mad about? How will that help anything?

    As “N” so aptly pointed out “lashing out” at him wasn’t helping. True that it wasn’t. But seriously. I was in physical pain at the time, I was hungry from waiting for him to take me to lunch, and on top of that, feeling betrayed. Any reasonable person would “lash out” in such a situation. Or perhaps not. In some ways, I wish I had just said, “OK” and just hung up the phone and walked away. I got a little too much into the “drama” for comfort. Meaning that it wasn’t comfortable FOR ME. And I could feel that my body wasn’t happy with it. It wasn’t sustaining, and it wasn’t helping ME in my condition. But I was mad at HIM to NOT HELPING me – only because I had an expectation of it. I wish that I could never have another expectation again, even if I guy told me something he would do.

    But that seems like such a tall order. I haven’t figured out the balance yet of “not having an expectation,” and being totally filled with doubt. There is an equation in my brain that those two things are equal. When I “don’t expect” someone to do something, what it essentially translates to is that I “expect” them NOT to do what they said. And what do I get? I get my expectation?

    If I knew how this worked, I would probably be a millionaire. I’d be a millionaire, because I would know how to “expect” a million dollars to fall into my lap in some “unexpected” way. Or I’d be a millionaire because I could patent my idea and sell it. If I could bottle it, it would be the most excellent perfume.

    But look at me. I am getting loopy, tired, and poetic. Maybe I should write more poetry.

    That might be nice, actually. Maybe I will.

    Art is always an option. Art never fails me. Art is always there for me. Maybe I have failed Art. maybe I have not shown up for Art. Maybe I have simply not been the Artist that I’ve always been meant to be. And maybe it’s not so simple. But maybe no one is able to show up for me, because they can’t see who it is that they are showing up *for*….hm. Pondering. The truth isn’t always comfortable. But sometimes that’s a sign that we are in exactly the right place….

    Good night, sirens. i hope this comment posts!

  139.  #139Tereana on June 25, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Yay! It worked!

    One tiny addendum: funny how the guy in the article mentions picking up girls in grocery stores. From what I remember, Rori also talks about “attracting” men in grocery stores. Coincidence? hm…. ; )

    Though I must say, in a somewhat CD episode, pre-Rori, I met a guy in a grocery store, and it was a total disaster. But it was a learning experience! lol

  140.  #140Zara on June 25, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    53: ReceivingGirl

    I have put here on several occasions links to videos that might help you, related to food. One of the videos was called “food for thoughts”. It is a conference by Vicky Newman.
    Another video I have put here and that I can think of, is from Dr Li, president of the angiogenesis foundation.
    The conclusion of both these approaches are the same conclusion as the french doctor David Servan-Schreiber who survived his brain cancer for 20 years.

    Bare with me I am going to fetch the links for you.

  141.  #141Zara on June 25, 2012 at 11:05 pm


    “Food for thoughts” : that’s one of a serie of videos I had been putting on here last year.
    At the end of this video she explains why taking supplements and juices is not always a good idea and why it is better to take the active molecules in their natural state, which means by eating the whole food itself.

  142.  #142Zara on June 25, 2012 at 11:06 pm


    “can we eat to starve cancer”. By Dr Li

    Towards the end he also says that the molecules extracted from their natural container will not have as much effect compared to when you eat the whole food itself. The effect of a food also depends on how it is cooked and what with.

    On this site you will find a list of angio food and recipes.

    You might want to check his angiogenesis foundation site.

  143.  #143Zara on June 25, 2012 at 11:07 pm


    David Servan Schreiber’s site is still up.

  144.  #144Zara on June 25, 2012 at 11:08 pm


    David’s conference “Natural Defenses in Preventing and Treating Cancer” where he tells his own story and his observations as a searcher.

  145.  #145Tam on June 26, 2012 at 12:31 am

    ((((Tereana))))) I might be getting into trouble for saying this, but I believe when someone says they do something or promise then when that is broken, you are quite right to lash out and show your anger.
    That’s how I feel. These days I hold it in and think about what I want to say, but then it always either goes away or turns into a ‘that didn’t feel good’, when in fact it is just a mean and horrible thing to do.
    I am sorry you got stood up, especially since you weren’t well, total no-no.

    As for overpromising and underdelivering, I have noticed this also. I often think that either their mind changes or they forgot what they told us? Not sure.
    From the ‘I’ll be in touch every day’ to nothing for 2 1/2 days – to poof, that kind of stuff annoys me, but ok. I hear you, basically.
    Sending positive vibes for the new day!! 🙂

  146.  #146boasgirl on June 26, 2012 at 12:42 am

    Morning sirens,

    I have slept quite well last night, although i still feel worried and frustrated –

    maybe all this pain coming up is necessary – a part of the process of opening up all the parts of myself that I have shut down?

    it’s been like 19 months since I was with a man, and this was an imaginary relationship (with my Mr. Ex) that brought me to the worst place I’ve ever been – deep down in self-loathing and desperation, totally without borders, sleepless and utterly depressed.

    The last 1 1/2 years I’ve been recovering, to the point where I at the beginning of the summer i felt pretty strong –

    and then, what do i do? I go to him again!! how isit possible … just to ask for him, talk to his friends, but apart of me gets lost in this, my self-respect, my borders, my love and caring for me …

    and so the last few days have been hard. I want to change,i want to be open to other men, feel my feelings, experiment, grow, expand …

    and i feel so frustrated – like i need a man to touch me and hold me and hug me … but not just anyone -someone i feel connected to –

    so, morning thoughts – it feels good to write this – my own story, sort of, a small part of it.

  147.  #147Tam on June 26, 2012 at 1:21 am


  148.  #148Esteemed on June 26, 2012 at 1:25 am


    Happy Birthday!


    What matters is does the car match your boots? 😉

  149.  #149Esteemed on June 26, 2012 at 1:27 am

    R is being a total sweetheart! I broke down the kitten situation to him, and how I’m worried about losing my job by taking the kittens to the vet during the day.

    He is going to borrow my car to take the kittens to the vet! He is going to drop me off and pick me up from work! It will be the first time I see him in 4 months! We have had only phone contact since February! I feel so thankful! He is being the hero I fell in love with over 3 years ago! He is being his true self, not the bad guy! I feel so joyful!

  150.  #150Rebecca on June 26, 2012 at 1:27 am

    Morning sirens ~

    Gosh, I seem to be good day bad day at the moment. Today I feel totally over welmed. So much to do and I’m feeling mega stressed!

    I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up at 2.30am and felt stressed and hot and sweaty. I was not able to get back to sleep till about 4am. Now today I feel quite rough. When I wake up in the middle of the night I feel like I’m having a panic attack about being alone and everyone leaving me, the fact that I never see my family, the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend. I feel like I can control so little in my life. I always feel like I will annoy people and they will leave me because that has been a pattern in my life. Especially when friends get partners I find our relationship always fades… Gosh, why do I find life such a struggle… I want to be like my mum who glides through life… I am like my dad, an obsessive compulsive I feel I cannot change..

  151.  #151Memulo on June 26, 2012 at 1:33 am

    Thank you Turquoise, LoveAlways and Esteemed! Woke up in the middle of the night from being hungry and saw your birthday wishes;) Thank you!!!!

  152.  #152Memulo on June 26, 2012 at 1:39 am


    Seriously, 2 weeks and her mom is on his fb page? I’d be careful to assume anything till he visits their backyard 😉

  153.  #153Tam on June 26, 2012 at 3:26 am

    Happy birthday Memulo!!!

  154.  #154Tam on June 26, 2012 at 3:46 am

    Englishman poofed on me…pfff. Poof, poof, poof. I just find that boring. Next!

  155.  #155Linda on June 26, 2012 at 3:49 am

    So I went to my favorite restauraunt by the water, ate my dinner. Watched a sunset.

    A man came up to me and started talking. Wow a CD out of the blue. He was too short for me only 5’6 but he was practice. We talked, I smiled, laughed. He was very forward but not in a creepy way.

    After the type of relationship I was in, I find that I am having receiving a compliment (internally I mean) He said you come here and eat alone and watch sun sets alone. I said, I enjoy it, setting by the water is theraputic for me . He said it is sad to watch a sunset alone. I said… no, what is sad is watching a sunset WITH someone and feeling alone.

    He kept sitting so close to me, put his arm around me etc, kept talking about kissing. I was not into that, I felt closed and could not genuinely receive. The good thing was I was not missing the ex (we used to go here together, but I always felt alone) I was not wishing I was with him and he was acting this way with me. SO in all I had a practice nite but was not prepared for it.

    The guy walked with me to my car, He wanted to kiss me, I offered a hug and told him I was not feeling comfortable with more than that. He accepted that and left. hmmmm

    I enjoyed my evening. He was really nice but his forwardness felt ungenuine to me. He was not creepy (actualy handsome)… but he was too close to me, he kept leaning forward…. I felt cornered and leaned back. If I had leaned back any further I would have fallen off the chair. LOL


  156.  #156Turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Good point Memulo 🙂

  157.  #157Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 4:35 am

    155: Linda
    This sounds like great practice, welldone Linda. Maybe the fact that you were able to experience having the vibe of being absolutely fine alone, is one of the things that attracted the man to you. He certainly must have seen a challenge there. Its great that he leaned forward to you, perhaps an extreme example of how this dynamic should work. He wanted to give to you. The fact that you were unwilling to receive is fair enough, you weren’t expecting this encounter. Do you think you would see him again if he asked for a date? Or was he too forward in an offputting way.
    I had a similar experience once, except i was meeting a guy as a coffee date but he was way too forward and used my recent break up as a way to try and “look after” me in a really creepy way. His energy came off as desperate and needy. But it sounds that this guy wasnt creepy, but that something was not right for you in his demeanor.

  158.  #158Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 4:54 am

    91: Jessie1000
    Thankyou for this post too. I relate to all of this. It has taken me years to realise how badly I have taken care of my own self esteem. I couldnt even see it until i came out of a nine year relationship two years ago, and had to be single again. I always thought my self esteem was ok, not too great but basically healthy. Man, was i wrong. Just learning now the actual ways to feed myself better, to take time for myself and stop focussing on the next romance, as a string of guys have some alarmingly similar qualities. Amazing how these patterns show up,, when i used to think i wasnt that picky about who i liked. I now see i seem to choose immature guys who either have some childish traits or depression. Good to see this pattern and be open to this changing as I change myself.

  159.  #159Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Happy Birthday Memulo!

  160.  #160Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Goodmorning sirens.

    I feel so sad and blah today 🙁
    My face feels heavy and droopy.

    I blocked my true feelings about something last week.
    Then when time came to get ready to go to a wedding with D, I procrastinated in getting ready.
    I felt resistence in getting ready, I felt unmotivated to go.
    Then I got angry at myself bc I wasn’t ready when the time came to leave.
    Then I felt stressed and impatient when I got there bc I had to take more time to get ready in a hurry.
    I ripped D’s head off bc he was too busy being the superstar and getting everyone’s attention to think of unlocking the trunk to help get my stuff to go continue getting ready so I wouldn’t be late.

    I was angry and wanted to hit him.
    It’s his personality.
    When he gets to family parties, he completely tosses me aside and forgets all about me. He gets all wrapped up in being the center of attention and completely forgets about me.
    That really triggers me.

    My vibes felt aweful. I felt tense, off, unattractive.

    His cousin introduces him to his new gf and he kisses her hand.
    His stayed next to them throughout the entire ceremony. His eyes stayed glued to her throughout the dinner, he was clingy with her and he was working to charm her.

    I got angry and told him off…further feeding my bad vibes.
    I felt so angry that I had the urge to beat him up and punch his face in.
    We spent the rest of the weekend with his extended family.
    I spent the whole time feeling those bad feelings.
    One minute wanting to bawl my eyes out, the next wanting to punch his face in.

    I kept a fake smile on and did my best to have conversations and have fun.
    I just wanted to get the heck out of there and get away from him.
    He drank too much and we ended up having to stay overnight.

    We both woke up early and headed to his place an hour drive away.
    I said nothing the whole way.
    He wanted me to stay with him to have breakfast.
    I said “No, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel good in your presence right now and I need space.”

    I got in my car and went home.

    He called me back and he said he didn’t understand and he had no idea what he did.
    That made me feel even worse, more triggered and more angry.

    I decided to just stay away to sink into my feelings and cool down.

    I look back at what led to this and realize, that as soon as I started feeling disconnected with myself, this whole string of events started happening.
    I was feeling disconnected coz I was all in my head and created this whole “too busy to breath and stress” issue.
    I just couldn’t enjoy being happy, I felt scared so I ran away from my heart into my head.

  161.  #161Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 5:27 am


  162.  #162Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Lilibee, have you tried figuring out why you felt so “off” that day?

    Something happened that made you react that way?

  163.  #163ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 5:44 am

    Happy Birthday, Memulo!!

  164.  #164Linda on June 26, 2012 at 5:50 am

    156.. Goldenflower

    RIght now I do not feel that I want to see this man again. He was light hearted, energetic and funny. As I reflect on my encounter with him, I am concentrating on how I felt in his presense. I felt guarded and off balance with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I can block it or ignore it if I need to.

    I know there are all kinds of men out there, but he seemed too eager, but he just could be really available. I have been around a man who pretentious and really unavailable in the way you need a man to be for a good relationship for so long that this guy felt “fake” in lots a ways to me.

    I am just trying to focus on how I feel and be connected with my feelings… right or wrong at this point.


  165.  #165Turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 6:02 am


  166.  #166Linda on June 26, 2012 at 6:23 am

    I also feel sick at my stomach mildly when I think about it. If I sink into that I feel fear and deeper into that I do encouter the this entrenched thing inside saying… you know all you truely want is for him (my ex) to swoop back in, having missed me so much, he would step up and have the relationship we should have been able to have together.

    NOW that scares me! Why is that there after all the things he did and did n’t do.


  167.  #167Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 6:23 am

    164: Linda
    If your instincts and feelings told you something felt fake then it probably was. Complete respect for holding to your own bridge.
    I think it is a positive thing that you are definitely attracting people who want to give to you. I am stuck at this stage, I am very early into my process of CD and applying these tools. So i like hearing of stories where this can happen. I find i am a very male brained person, I am naturally very impulsive and action oriented. So the hardest work for me is to embrace my feminine side and let it show on the outside. I’v had a really hard time attracting guys in the past because I now realise I was always in some way chasing them to “make it happen”, total turn off to them no doubt. Which i also now see could be why i ended up with depressives or childish men who were in their “feminine”. Thank god for all this work and inspiring sirens to learn from, and of course thankyou to Rori.

  168.  #168Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 6:36 am

    166: Linda says:
    I also feel sick at my stomach mildly when I think about it. If I sink into that I feel fear and deeper into that I do encouter the this entrenched thing inside saying… you know all you truely want is for him (my ex) to swoop back in, having missed me so much, he would step up and have the relationship we should have been able to have together.

    Hi Linda, this makes sense. Its good you know this is what you feel, that this is in there. This man you met has in some way help you learn this, like Rori says.
    I spent a very long time going out a lot last year whilst being completely in love with an unnavailable man. and that feeling of wishing either he would see me and get jealous and rescue me, or that i would compare the guy to him. I even stopped a one night thing with someone because of this.
    But can completely say i am over him now, this does not feature, I can clearly see why things didnt work out, and I think its a time and perpective thing. But also it helps me to slather myself in love for feelings of missing him or the dream of us (which was fake), I love myself for missing him, I love myself even when i am judging myself for mssing him.
    So ((((((Linda))))))

  169.  #169ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Good Morning, Sirens!! 🙂

    I have to catch up on the blog and I won’t be able to do it today. It’s a busy day at work.

    Zara, thank you for all the info and I will read it better when I have time.

    So, last night was sooo nice. Mr. Observant hugged me for about 15 minutes straight when I first saw him. I think he was a little teary eyed too. He told me how thinking about me got him through the last 3 weeks.

    It took him a while to open up and talk. We just sat and talked for about 5 hours. We didn’t even realize that much time had passed. He kept leading for me to talk about me and then I ran out of things to talk about, so I said, “I feel like I’m doing all the talking, what about you?” And he said, “yea, I know. Ok, what do you want to know?”

    So, I started out with light things and then he went into it on his own. He talked about what was going on, but it seemed a little cryptic. I felt like he wasn’t sure what he was “allowed” to say. He kept saying they keep telling him he isn’t supposed to remember and the subconscious. I wonder if he was hypnotized or something?

    So, there is still some adjusting to be done. I don’t think he understands the whole thing either. He’s trying to figure it all out. It turned into a deep conversation.

    He’s a deep, thinking kind of guy. I like that about him. I think my abstract brain doesn’t freak him out like most guys. He enjoys hearing how I think. I don’t think he will ever tell me I overanalyze! 🙂

    I didn’t quite understand it all, but he was happy to have me listen to him. And, I was happy to listen. He thanked me many times for listening. He said it was nice to be able to talk to me about that. He was also happy to see me and touch me.

    He is so sweet, always thanking me, telling me I’m beautiful, I look nice, I smell nice, etc. I also met his mom briefly and she said, “You must be Receiving Girl”, so she knew about me.

    I stayed over and we just cuddled all night. It was really nice. We did a lot of kissing and hugging. 🙂

  170.  #170Amy on June 26, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Hi ladies,

    I don’t comment on here too often, but I read all your lovely comments almost everyday. You are always full of great advice and I was wondering if you could pass a little along to me…

    My boyfriend has been on my case lately. It seems more on the weekends then any other time. If I ask him a simple question you get this attitude like I am annoying him and is real short with me. Also if I say something that is wrong, he will put me down or make fun of it in a condescending way. For example, we went to a baseball game last night, I thought the other team had two homeruns in a row. Instead of simply saying, “Oh no babe, that ball was foul” or whatever. He says, “What?! What game are you watching?! Oh there was two homeruns..hmm..that is interesting, I didn’t watch the game..” And will go on and on and on about it until I get mad then he will turn it around and tell me that I cant take a joke. I can take a joke, but not when you are trying to make me feel bad (or at least it seems like that). I have told him it doesn’t feel good to hear that and I don’t want someone to be on my case about little things like that, but he keeps doing it. And like I said for some reason it seems to be on weekends… probably because that is when we see the most of each other (even though we live together).

    Anyways, my question, what type of feeling messages should I use the next time this happens?

    Thanks ladies 🙂

  171.  #171Iamabutterfly on June 26, 2012 at 6:53 am

    @91 Jessie1000 & @ 92 Calypso – I feel such compassion towards both of you. You girls are so beautiful! I feel supported, and hope you both feel my support as well. I feel like squeezing both of you!!! (((((((Jessie1000)))))) and (((((((Calypso)))))))

    Feels so good to open up and heal together with other women, doesn’t it?

    I feel overwhelming love and forgiveness.

  172.  #172Iamabutterfly on June 26, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I’m realizing why I might feel so angry towards Dad lately. I think it’s because he’s been changing in a GOOD WAY lately. Like, he’s really been working hard to show my mother love in her own love language, and it’s had an amazing effect on her.

    Maybe I feel angry because it’s happening NOW, instead of years ago when it would have had a larger positive impact on me. I feel selfish for saying that.

    and I feel humbled. Because I know that women are the emotional teachers to men.

    and Mom hasn’t been emotionally stable enough all these years to “teach” my Dad.

    But I’ve been talking to him about all of this stuff, and it is having a HUGE effect on him, and how he is approaching his marriage with my mom.

    Wow, I feel powerful! and I feel humbled! And I feel sad! and I feel so happy that change in a marriage is possible, even after over 30 years, and even from an outside “younger” force!

    I feel so relieved!
    and amazed at myself and the positive impact I can have on other people!

    and still, somewhere deep down, I feel guilty about feeling this good about myself!

    all this learning feels so over-whelmingly good and scary and new and fresh!

  173.  #173Jessie1000 on June 26, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Where are you?
    I miss u and ur lovely messages!
    I read everyone of them! come back!

  174.  #174Iamabutterfly on June 26, 2012 at 7:07 am

    sometimes I feel as though all my “awareness” is detrimental to me. Because there is so much happening on the outer layers of these things, in the emotional and spiritual realms, without any physical, concrete things, actually happening.

    I feel as though I “over-function” in my emotional consciousness, when I don’t need to over-function, because men are SO not even close to where I am. So, I can just sink into my feelings, and meet them where they are, and pull them in by expressing my feelings. and teach them through my feelings…

    pondering all this feels so good…

  175.  #175Jessie1000 on June 26, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Hi Iamabutterfly!
    That name just sounds so friendly and peaceful!
    I hear u about parents trouble.
    My father was a minister of JW’s for 39 years and got caught front page of the newspaper with hookers lol

    My parents only split for 1 year and my mom took him back….I wanted to jump off a cliff….

    It was terrible.

    I am so spared by having no contact with them and their mess. They still fight and my dad treats my momma like a dog. My momma still lets him.

    Its awful.

    I used to think my life was terrible without parents for my kids but now, thanks to bryon katie….I think i ahve been spared
    not abandoned.

    I hope u can find ur peace.

  176.  #176Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Jessie1000 your story reminds me of a book I read. Something to the effect What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You. The writer talks about women who endured marriages despite the knowledge that their men had mistresses. It talks about the stuffed down emotions of these women and the men why those types of things happened. Unhappy men wanting to do right by their families and women who never spoke up or told their truth.

  177.  #177Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Hi Amy. Maybe “ouch that feels bad” and just drop the argument. Go to another room to take care of your feelings.

  178.  #178CurvySiren10 on June 26, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Hope you had a wonderful birthday Memulo! 🙂

  179.  #179Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Happy Birthdat Memulo Sweetie!!!! Hope u have an awesome day. <3

  180.  #180Tam on June 26, 2012 at 7:30 am

    RG – I feel so happy for you, reading your entry above about Mr Observant!! 🙂

  181.  #181Linda on June 26, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Goldenflower: Thanks for sharing.

    I can see all the reasons that this last relationship did not work. I know it would take an “act of God” for it to have, which in my case I believe in can happen. That is probably why I have encountered this deep seated feeling in me.

    Anyway, you wrote something about being male brained. I am too, very logical approach to life. This last man was depressive and focused on negatives… we had a conversation once about intmacy.. his energy was FEMINE, which was YUCK! to me. The few times we did have sex, he was all about me starting and leading. If he did, almost never about me and my pleasure it was about him and his.

    Dreams die hard I suppose. I have been thru this with this particular ex before. I he would break it off with me…then contact me back…. finally I got tired of it and told him I did not want him in my life. He came around again, with his notorious letter (which was a new tactic) and I caved. Even with that it has ended the same for the same reasons, only this time, I know what living with a man like this in my life daily was like. VERY UNSATISFYING. So, my feelings I encountered are a bit un nerving.

    THank you for your help and sharing !

  182.  #182Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Birthday* 🙂

  183.  #183Linda on June 26, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Until this gets settled and dismissed from my life… I dont want to be in a place where I find good men icky.

  184.  #184Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Lilibee this is key . “I look back at what led to this and realize, that as soon as I started feeling disconnected with myself, this whole string of events started happening.” I remember Gay Hendricks coaching a couple and advised the wife to go back and try to figure out when the disconnect began. Her emotions helped her re-live the moment and then talk about it with her partner then they were able to heal together.

  185.  #185Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I have been leaning back EXTRA with a certain CD, and he was NOT contacting me, but yesterday I saw his new profile pic on FB and could not resist. It really made my heart skip a beat and i said that in a comment under his picture so he started talking to me under the picture. Then started texting me 2day.

    This is the first time in so long that he’s initiated conversation (which is y we never talk until i REALLY need help with something) So i guess my little indiscretion wasnt so bad after all. Now i can go back to leaning back.

  186.  #186Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I just wanna send some love to all the sirens today!! I feel like i have a lot to go around this week. Ive just been feeling extra affectionate. So i want to share!!

  187.  #187Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Hi sirens,
    Hope you’re all having a rewarding day.
    I heard back from tallguy after i replied to his fbk msg. He said he’s coming to the night I DJ at this week, I didnt actually invite him but I mentioned it in my msg, and I saw later that he’d already been invited by mutual friends. I want to decide how best to be when I see him, he still hasnt asked me out for a date. All he said at end of his msg was “until the next installment..” and put his name.
    So i guess I’m wondering how best to converse to see if he will ask for a date. I must look back over targetting mr right videos. Things to do tonight, check!! What vibe should I have, I really dont want to lean forward at all, but scared i might mess it up and seem cold instead. Unzip my heart, receive!!!
    Siren Advice welcome, as always. xx

  188.  #188Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 7:59 am


    Yeah Francesca.

    I have finally had time to sit quiet by myself yesterday all day and think about it.

    I felt off bc I stuffed my feelings about something and it only snowballed from there.

    He had applied to get his work schedule changed to weekdays.
    His schedule has been weekdays for a month.
    His hockey team invited him to a golf tournament on a weekday and he had to miss it.
    He told me how he felt left out and bad that he had to work weekdays and have to miss out on their activities and playing hockey starting in September.
    The team has a huge project coming up in the fall and he doesn’t want to miss out.
    He can’t take working weeknights so he’s thinking of working the evening shift.
    This means no time for me except weekends.
    Which is fine, except he gets his son during every 2 weekends, and he told me about his plans to go to the bike festival in Florida for a week in October (without me).

    I began to see the pattern again of him wanting to enjoy his manhood and me being in the way of that.
    I told him how I felt about his trip, but when it came to his work schedule being wrapped around that same group of guys…I held back.

    After all, we do say to let them go and be free to do what they want.
    My 1st feeling was of panick and fear that things would start being the same as the past all over again.
    I held my feelings back.
    I did not step back, give myself space and time to sink into my feelings and express them.
    We were always in a rush.
    I created the rush to keep myself busy to sweep my feelings under the rug so I wouldn’t ruin the weekend.
    The opposite happened: My vibes were off with these unexpressed feelings lingering.
    I guess he really felt those bad vibes.
    I felt resentful and wanted to get away from him.
    I tried putting on a fake smile and act all happy.
    But my angry tension could be felt for sure.

    I told him on Saturday morning how I felt disconnected and tense from us constantly running to get ready to go somewhere.
    But that wasn’t the truth.
    I felt disconnected and tense bc I did everything to keep myself busy making excuses for having to run around busy, all to avoid my feelings.

    My feelings ended up snowballing and blowing up in my face.

    And now, how do I express my feelings without bringing up a long list?

    I feel more tense than ever this morning.
    My heart feels like a giant knot.
    My shoulders and arms feels tensed up and rigid.
    I feel like crying.

    He still wants to see me and go on like nothing’s wrong.
    I can’t stand how I felt and I refuse to sweep it under the rug and keep feeling this way.
    I hated the way he treated me.
    I feel mistrustful of him and his intentions towards our relationship.
    I don’t feel important… after all the efforts he put in to show me I was the love of his life the last couple of months, I am back to feeling unimportant and unappreciated.

  189.  #189CurvySiren10 on June 26, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Oops, sorry…Memulo. today is your birthday…so HAVE a happy one, not past tense! lol xoxo

  190.  #190Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 8:03 am


    Thank You FW.

    You posted that right at the moment I was ready to receive it.

    As you can see in my post #188, I figured it out.
    Allthough I feel miserable, I can pat myself on the back for having seen it so soon.
    It used to take me months to figure out my feelings and really see myself.

  191.  #191Mel on June 26, 2012 at 8:04 am


    I like FW’s suggestion… “Ouch, that feels bad.” Or just “Ouch.”

    It sounds like he’s maybe teasing you… treating you like he would a buddy. Guys like to tease each other.

    Perhaps embracing more of your feminine side in general will help him to learn how you want to be treated.

    Use feeling messages all the time. Start using them with lots of positive things at first.

    -that feels so good
    -the sunshine feels so lovely, like a warm kiss on my cheek
    -I felt so moved by______ (a movie, a song, etc.)
    -I feel safe and protected
    -I feel content
    -I feel amused

    Then… start using them for things that aren’t so good… but not necessarily about him. Try to describe the physical feelings you feel

    -I feel nervous butterflies
    -I felt so hot and pink and embarrassed when…
    -My stomach feels queezy
    -I feel heavy and lethargic today
    -I feel tight and tense in my shoulders
    -I feel wilted and droopy

    Everything’s about how YOU feel. Everything. He will start to get used to hearing you speak this way. He will start to “get” that you, as a lovely woman are a “feeling-y” type creature. That you are not one of his buddies. That you feel things intensely.

    Then, when something happens (like in your baseball example), when you reply “Oh… ouch. I feel really small right now. I like to feel tall and delicate and graceful like a flower, even if I don’t always say the right thing. I’m just a girl and I feel so sensitive sometimes, and I don’t want to feel trampled. So I’m going to _____ (go for a walk, take a bath, call my mom, go out for coffee, etc.) to recharge again.”

    Eventually, he will learn how you wish to be treated as a siren. And if he can’t treat you in a way that feels good, then you learn to move on to the next man who not only CAN, but wants to.


  192.  #192Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Lilibee @188

    “And now, how do I express my feelings without bringing up a long list?”

    Maybe start with the ONE thing that you don’t feel good about?

    Then move on from there.

  193.  #193Goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 8:17 am

    183: Linda
    No problem, thankyou for sharing. I doubt I can tell you anything you dont already know. but I think it can help when someone not in the situation can see another approach. That really helps me from this blog, anyway. It sounds like you are not considering CD at the moment, have you made that decision or do you feel a time frame may help. Speaking again from my own experience, I understand what it is like to have complete faith that a person is the one for you. Or to keep going back to the same person in your heart. I hope it does help you to hear that I firmly beleive you can let go of him in your heart as well as your mind, it can and will happen at some point. I knew a male friend for 8 years and felt waves of extreme attraction to him over that 8 years, but I was in a serious relationship all of that time. So when i became single I fell for him so hard, it was pure love and I formed the false belief he was a soulmate and we were meant. I have never experienced such a torturous thing in my life, and never will again. After a year of him toying with me, I finally cut him off. nothing can ever feel so bad again, as wanting what i couldnt have. The releif of not seeing, thinking about, hoping for him in any way …has been immense and even saved my life. I realised that it was all about self punishment, as well as him feeding off the situation for his ego. I cut him off a year ago, and haven’t looked back. I dont miss him, I see what he did which fell very short of all that I deserve and fell short of true happiness. This is my bridge, true happiness, be that alone or sharing with someone.
    Thankyou for reading. Linda , I know this is a very different situation, but you will let go at some point, and the pain will be gone. I know because if i can do it , anyone can do it.
    I do think CD is a great help, to get you moving your energies, changing the focus onto new things. WEven if these new men are not up to scratch either, or make you feel icky. If you feel icky enough you will work through why and move on from that feeling. I think this is what Rori suggests?? Other sirens with more expertise can support this. I just think that the more I thought about getting well and that I cant see new people till I’m over him, the longer it actually took to move on. Getting out there and doing the dating helped shift me to new experiences and then i just didnt have the time or inclination to focus on him. Hope this makes sense,
    thankyou for reading, xx

  194.  #194Mel on June 26, 2012 at 8:30 am


    Something like this…???

    “Sweetie, I feel a little bit greedy. I feel a little bit demanding even. And I feel a bit nervous to share this with you because I don’t want to be perceived that way. But the truth is, quality time feels so important to me and I started to feel a little afraid last week when I learned our schedules might be out-of-sinc again. I feel so wonderful spending time with you, and I feel concerned that that time might end.

    I know work is important to you and being active and part of a team makes you feel happy. And I don’t want to hold you back. But I don’t want to feel like our time together is scarce either.

    What do you think?”

  195.  #195lk on June 26, 2012 at 8:45 am

    arrgh sometimes i feel so angry with myself & i take total pleasure in feeling compassion for myself, i love to ask myself for gentleness… & why are you angry dear? for thinking evil thoughts of others! you see, it’s all just an exercise in disciplined love. i’m practicing, so i must be improving : )))

  196.  #196Sunshine on June 26, 2012 at 8:55 am

    LINDA, Hi I was reading your post about the online conversation you had with that guy…I feel a little hesitant but also mostly compelled to tell you what I think about this. I have experimented with leaning back and also initiating a bit on match.com. It could just be my experience but its almost a textbook example of how leaning forward at all, even casually ( example, writing first, etc.) just does not work. Every single time i initiate the conversation just fades sooner or later. When I lean back and it takes a lot of patience at times, it works. Sometimes it works so well, I feel bored of how easy I attract and that feels weird sometimes if Im not fully into the guy which is something Im working on. If even just to experiment I wouldnt even wink first and when they do email reply kindly and one question back. This is how Im going about it and seems to work alot better than before for me what do you think?

  197.  #197Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Lilibee this “I hated the way he treated me.
    I feel mistrustful of him and his intentions towards our relationship.
    I don’t feel important… after all the efforts he put in to show me I was the love of his life the last couple of months, I am back to feeling unimportant and unappreciated.”

    feels a bit judgemental and controlling to me and maybe focussed on his behavior though it is your issue. When I initially read the comments it seemed jealous and competitive of the other women he was showing attention. It seemed to me that some of what is needed her to facing oneself and building sone kind of emotional maturity/fitness. Dominique seem to have good advice around these things. I am not convinced about Mel’s message though it is a very good feeling message. I sense you feeling pouty and that you should own that.

  198.  #198Iamabutterfly on June 26, 2012 at 9:10 am

    (((((((((@175 Jessie1000))))))))))

  199.  #199Iamabutterfly on June 26, 2012 at 9:16 am

    I just noticed something. “I feel…what do you think?

    The feminine feels, the masculine thinks. So, when we are talking to fellow sirens, might it be more appropriate to say “I feel…how do you feel about this?”

    However, guys often ask us what we “think” about things, so it’s probably good practice to see “think” and to switch it into feminine “I feel…” mode…

  200.  #200Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 9:28 am



    That is dead on!

    I blocked those feelings for a few days, and it snowballed into a big mess during the weekend surrounded by people for 2 whole days, giving no opportunity for anything except building more tension and resentment.

    I wish I would have taken the time before the weekend to sink into my feelings and express them.
    We would have had better vibes between us and a better chance at having a good time. Things may not have degraded the way they did.

    I don’t think he would have acted the way he did over the weekend if I would have dealt with my feeklings when it was time.
    It only fed more bad feelings and more bad vibes.
    I’m sure he sensed those.

    I will give myself a little time to cool off a bit and recenter before I bring it up.

    Your FM describes it exactly. Thanks Mel 🙂

  201.  #201Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 9:36 am



    Of course I felt jealous and competitive.
    I felt totally dismissed upon arrival.
    He kissed her hand when his cousin introduced them, and he kept clinging around staring at her all evening.

    That made me feel like I’m not enough if he still feels the need to charm another woman.

    The man of my life will not feel the urge to charm another woman bc he will feel fullfilled with the one he’s got and he cherishes her.
    I’m the one that he will want to charm and he will have eyes only for me.

    I want to feel cherished and adored that way, and I am worthy of it.

  202.  #202Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Lilibee your experience has jogged some memory around Dr. Paul’s teaching. I am guessing that D could be a magician, in terms of Dr. Paul’s personality style. He might like a lot of attention, liking being on stage or having the spotlight on him, maybe partially a reason why he plays hockey?

    Him tossing you aside is just your “story” about him wanting the spotlight and being the center of attention. Wanting to be center stage is very magician like, is what I think. Dr. Paul encourages women to find a way to applaud a guy to see how he reacts when you suspect he is a magician and find ways to be his cheerleader.

    Also he talks abount boundaries with in-dependence and inter-dependence. With good boundaries he says that people go in and out of both to share intimacy. Maybe this is the time to use some of Rori’s tools such as All That and imagine women coming at him from all angles but that he is focussed on you.

    I am thinking if talking about it you could let him know maybe something shifted inside you and you realize that you felt lonely or disconnected when he was with the family. That you felt lonely and said and that you now realize that quality time even in the crowd means a lot to you without giving him directions. I am thinking of a couple that the husband is always touching his wife even when he is in the midst of a crowd talking. As long as she is close to him. This is something that maybe you could experiment with.

    I suspect that this is something about yourself you are now becoming aware of and it needs to be worked through a bit on your part first.

  203.  #203Starla on June 26, 2012 at 9:49 am

    I almost texted CF that the silent treatment honestly has made it hard to make any sense of things and move on in a healthy way, so I’m still having a hard time believing that he’s just a cruel a-hole like that. So if he ever wants to talk, the door is open and he has nothing to be scared of, but I just want him to be happy. Take care.

    But then I stopped myself. it occurred to me that this text could get him back in touch with me and even back in love with me, and I don’t want this man. I want an improved version of him, that has been to counseling and doesn’t carry so many obstructive issues. I can’t fix him. No one can but himself.

  204.  #204Tam on June 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

    ‘The man of my life will not feel the urge to charm another woman bc he will feel fullfilled with the one he’s got and he cherishes her.
    I’m the one that he will want to charm and he will have eyes only for me’

    that sooooo resonates with me. I do not feel like I could possibly put up with anything less, however, I just haven’t had that in such a looooooong time, it almost seems like a distant memory 🙁

  205.  #205siren song on June 26, 2012 at 10:08 am


    I agree with FW. D does sound like a magician. All my exes have been magicians or warriors and i didn’t understand how i could support their masculinity as a lover/queen. guy who loves me is definitely a magician. i used to feel really weird in public with him because he was all of a sudden an attention seeker. but i think in the end that we were a good match because i am complimentary to his type, even though it didn’t work out in the end.

    dr paul’s stuff is really great!

  206.  #206Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

    FW, I too have been categorized as a “magician” and yes I love attention and will take it from whoever is giving.

    I like to flirt around even when im at a party with a CD, i even flirt a little with his friends. And I dont mind him flirting with other people, it actually makes me feel good to know that all these girls would entertain him but he’s with me. And at the end of the night im kinda proud n happy to be leaving with him and i can imagine he feels the same when all his friends are O.O mesmerized my HIS girl lol

  207.  #207Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Lilibee please wait for Dominique’s input.

  208.  #208Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:16 am



    That is so comforting to read.

    D does crave the spotlight.
    I do applaud him and support him in that.
    I laugh at his jokes, smiled and applauded when he danced center stage with his sister.

    Allthough I do feel sad that I would want to be the one center stage with him, I ‘get’ that it’s my stuff and he’s been dancing with her since childhood.
    He tries with me, but we haven’t been at it long enough to put on a show as he likes.

    I feel so thrilled to see him happy at hockey.
    I get triggered when there’s no quality time left for me, especially him not expressing any desire to have that quality time.
    I get triggered when he plays rockstar to prove that he can get all the girls, even when they are with his cousin or married.
    That part of his magician personality feels YUK!

    I question if that is really good for me.
    I want the spotlight on me too.
    I want to shine too.
    I want to expand in this relationship too.

  209.  #209Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:17 am

    “The man of my life will not feel the urge to charm another woman bc he will feel fullfilled with the one he’s got and he cherishes her”

    I feel tightened up reading this. It bodes of setting up oneself for failure. How do I know what another human being will feel the urge to do? Are we saying that just because a man is with a woman he does not have fantasies? Is that true?

  210.  #210Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:21 am


    Where is Dominique? :'(

  211.  #211Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Where can I see some of this Dr Paul stuff?

    I’ve never heard of him before.

  212.  #212Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Didn’t Dominique once said that guys flirting with other women was a good thing for us?

    That they actually needed to do that for some reason that eludes me now…

  213.  #213Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

    “I want to expand in this relationship too.”

    Rori talks about being in an expanding relationship and helping each other grow. It needs to be discussed and worked out to see if he wants the same thing.

  214.  #214Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Dr. Paul is here.

    She’s a woman, btw.


  215.  #215Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Yes Francesca. That is the reason I believe she would be able to help.

  216.  #216Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

    It is Dr. Paul Dobransky that I refer to not Margaret Paul.

  217.  #217Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Francesca I never heard that from Dominique, but if she did say that I feel totally in agreement with her. As long as I am getting some attention too, I like when my man flirts with other women also, especially if he is okay with me flirting with other guys.

  218.  #218Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:27 am


    yeah, men will have fantasies. But why would he feel compelled to try to win another woman’s affection? Especially when she’s his cousin’s gf?…and I’m supposedly the love of his life (as he put it).

    I think I may have been too easy? I haven’t been a challenge? He’s won me over, is now bored and needs a challenge?

  219.  #219Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Ah, oops, FW! :/

    Sorry I intruded.

  220.  #220Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:29 am



    Ooohhh yeaahhh. I vaguely remember reading that somewhere.
    I don’t remember the rest either.

  221.  #222Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Look for a post from Dominique and click on her name. It takes you to her website where she writes articles.

  222.  #224Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I even posted recently Rori advising a woman who was asking about other women coming up to her man in front of her. Rori advised the woman to lean back in her energy but put her hand in the crook of the man’s hand or in his back pocket.

  223.  #225Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I even posted recently Rori advising a woman who was asking about other women coming up to her man in front of her. Rori advised the woman to lean back in her energy but put her hand in the crook of the man’s hand or in his back pocket to vote for herself and help her man feel her confident energy.

  224.  #226Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Lilibee you don’t know for sure that he felt compelled to do anything.

    Here is what I refered to from Rori

    “my boyfriend and I live together and have been for 1 year. we have known each other for 11/2 years. he is really cute blond, blue eyes. he has never been married, and is in hie 50′s, still good looking. my question is, women seemed to try to flirt with him when I am right there with him. giving them their home phone numbers and e/mail adresses when we are at like insurance business places. I reported one already to the big rig if that was right, and was told no. how can I stop this?

    2. debbie, you can’t stop it. Here’s what you do. 1. Get a big sense of humor, so when this happens, you instinctively smile at your man, lean back, and feel sexy. 2. Get in touch with your jealousy and anger, and let it further enhance your vibe by not trying to sit on it. You don’t have to speak it. Women who come up to him and give him their numbers are not going to get anywhere with him – especially not as you’re standing there, your hand gently in the crook of his arm or in his back pocket while you’re leaning back, being totally serene and confident. Stay close to him so he can feel your energy, but lean back. Once you do this, you’ll see he’ll be even more turned on to you. It’s like the estrogen from the other women just gets transferred to you – it’s a good thing. Thank these women (not directly and verbally – but with your mind and body language) for increasing his love for you. Love, Rori”

  225.  #227Francesca on June 26, 2012 at 10:44 am

    That’s the one I was looking for!


  226.  #228Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Not need for apology Francesca.

  227.  #229Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 10:49 am


    Good tool to know.

    But in this case, she didn’t come up to him.
    She was obviously in love with his cousin.
    They both kept telling everyone that they were celebrating their 6 month anniversary, and they never left each other all evening.

    It was all D leaning forward.
    A man competitive thing maybe?

    I know we are not supposed to analyse and be in a man’s head. But I have to admit that it does provide some comfort in helping me see how it is MY STUFF triggering me and he may not be doing it personally towards me.

    I do feel more relaxed.
    I don’t feel my heart in a knot anymore.

  228.  #230Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

    “Every time a man sees another woman who he finds attractive in some way, be it her entire being or just her smile or something else, he may get a little erotic buzz, or he may just get a hint of something that builds slowly or quickly sometimes within him. Think of it as a vial of hormonal juices. Each time he feels that little turn on, the vial fills up bit by bit by bit. The more the vial fills the more he will be thinking of and wanting sex. But he doesn’t want sex with any of those women he saw. He wants sex with you. The arousal other women inspire in him makes him desire his beloved all the more, and that means YOU”.

  229.  #231Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:53 am

    ““Working on yourself has the marvelous outcome of making your triggering experiences less painful and reactionary, and more – well – funny, actually.
    When I catch myself going somewhere and talking with someone (especially my husband) and suddenly, internally go to a perception that I’m not being “acknowledged” or “respected” or feeling “second class” in some way – I now can “get” – almost instantly – that my need for approval and to be “superior” and “appreciated” is being triggered.
    I notice my body tense up, my face takes on a different feel, and I want to go into some version of defense mode. And I notice that that “defense” mode becomes centered on ME – but NOT in the way we want to focus on ourselves here. My stored up rage and fear has been activated, and whoever is with me at that moment becomes the SOURCE of bad feelings – even if he or she is NOT responsible for that.
    What we’re doing here is learning to FEEL to GET – to TRUST – that WE are the Source of all this. And then we can feel for and have compassion for ourselves, and then that moves to a deep ability to feel for and have compassion for others, and then everything flows and all the barriers come down, we all open up…..yeah…
    A person can trigger you and still be a fantastic person. That’s why the concept of “The Messenger.” The Messenger is anyone who brings you a message about yourself that can HELP you get a bead on how you operate inside, how you react to being triggered – and that can teach you how to SEPARATE out that “triggering” from your perception of that person.”


  230.  #232ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

    @113 Calypso

    It’s good that you learned about his smoking pot since that is something you do not want in your life. I feel it’s best to just let that one go since it wasn’t really working out for you. I hope you find someone you feel is good for you that you would want to be in a relationship with. 🙂

  231.  #233Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Lilibee I wonder how her fiance would describe his memory of the meeting?

  232.  #234ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

    @114 Lily Medusa

    Thanks! Actually, the book I was looking at was by a different author. I will check that one out.

  233.  #235Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Lilibee that interesting that her fiance was there, I wonder what he was thinking about what ur guy was doing….hmmm

  234.  #236ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:02 am

    @116 LobbyStar

    That is so sweet! 🙂

  235.  #237ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

    @118 Turquoise

    It’s nice you are helping each other out. I’m sure it feels really good to you. 🙂

  236.  #238ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

    @125 Memulo – Thank you! 🙂 🙂

  237.  #239ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:11 am

    @128 Memulo

    I feel happy you will be spending your birthday with your man! I hope you have a great time.

  238.  #240Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 11:15 am

    BTW Lilibee I believe that in such a situation you could have used the opportunity to CD so that when he turns around looking for you he sees you living your life. There is an eLetter with another woman’s story who did something similar and when the man saw her with one of the band members at the party he didn’t leave her side for the rest of the night.

  239.  #241Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Hmm any ideas why my post won’t post??

  240.  #242Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Receiving girl- I tried to post a link for you but it won’t let me.

    It was a link to the film the secret based on the book where you can sign up for free emails to keep the positivity going.
    You can prob google it.

    I see you had a good night with mr observant! That’s great!

  241.  #243Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 11:25 am



    I did CD.
    I had to be careful who with coz it was all D’s family and I would certainly not want to upset any of those ladies.

    I did manage to CD with a hot waiter.
    He tried serenading me and D’s mom and sister.
    He forgot the words, so I joined in with him and we sang a beautiful duet staring into each other’s eyes.
    Everyone applauded.

    This waiter joined me on the dance floor at some point. We had a great time.

    I think D saw it…not long after, D came to try and learn from me how to dance salsa. Boy did he work hard at learning it?

  242.  #244Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

    That Lilibee is a lesson from him on how to hold his attention.

  243.  #245Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

    So after him telling me he missed me and wanted to try again I heard from him all weekend. Now it’s been 2 days. We made tentative plans for sat.

    I’m trying to think positively and think well why would I suddenly expect to hear from him everyday.

    I will keep leaning back and thinking positive

  244.  #246Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 11:37 am



    Thank you so much for bringing up cd’ing bringing me to remember that moment 🙂

  245.  #247Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:38 am


    Maybe this has something to do with it as I’m sure his feelings can’t just have changed from being so intense over the weekend?

    The truth is that all men “rubberband” some of the time. He’ll get excited about something and be “all over you,” and then some days he’ll feel more in his own head, worried about something that has nothing to do with you, or just need to hide away from intense intimacy with you until he gets his “bearings” again.

    Men can be just like us in the way they sometimes need time to “regroup” and really get back in balance. Men can get thrown off just as easily as we can – it just looks a little different.

    From roris newsletter

  246.  #248ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

    @146 (((boasgirl)))

  247.  #249turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Welp, I really need to work on the no closure thing and leaning back and letting go of control. I see it, I know it, I bow down to it…. but of course AFTER I sent these texts to S (formerly known as Dreamy)

    We could have just been friends. Didn’t have to go this way.

    I wish you all the best. Hope you find what you are looking for. Take care.

    I didn’t tell him off or tell him never to speak to me… I was planning to say goodbye, but wrote take care instead. I just can’t take the loose strings, the wondering, truly…. the not having any control. So, I ended my expectation or hopefullness of hearing from him. Closure on my terms, rather than none at all.

    I don’t know if he’ll reappear someday or not…. or what I’d even do if he did. To me, ignorning someone is just rude and uncalled for. Whether they are built differently or not, need their space… I want a man who won’t disappear on me when things get tough, and if they can’t even stick when things are good, but maybe feeling a little off… then it’s not the right relationship for me.

    The guy who brought me to the blog, Tom, has reappeared, and so has another guy that I dated years ago… also a poofer, who was an odd kisser, but a nice guy. I’m going to practice the tools, do my best to follow them and experiment.

    Mr. Conversation is filling the friend role right now, and will be fun. I am just going to take that day by day, see how it goes. He’s coming for dinner tonight, going to have him cut my grass. 🙂

  248.  #250ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

    @241 Smile

    Thanks! I did see the movie The Secret. I will look up the site.

    Yes, it was a great night. We didn’t go to sleep until about 2am and got up around 5am and I’m not even tired!! It was so nice to see him. He’s going to the party on Sat. and would like to see me before then.

    Oh, he also told me he can feel my energy when I touch him and it’s such good energy. Wow….

  249.  #251Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Yey receiving girl! That’s so great to read. I feel really happy for you 

  250.  #252Smile on June 26, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I’ve not seen the film the secret yet but it’s on my list along with getting hold of that book!!

  251.  #253Lilibee on June 26, 2012 at 12:05 pm


    Hi Smile:

    I have the book.
    Everyone who told me about it said that something that they wanted actually happened while they were reading it or not long after they finished it.

    I was very skeptical of that.
    But low and behold!…As I was reading the last few pages, the job that I wished for months magically fell on my lap! from a totally unexpected source!

    I bought a new version called “daily teachings”.
    Each page has the day of the week on it.
    It’s meant to have us read a page every day.
    I have for a while, but dropped it.
    I think I need to get back to it. I was only 1/3 into it.

  252.  #254Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Turquoise I was listening to Rori and CCarter interview this morning. She was saying she encourages women to avoid having sex. I encourage you to read through Power and Self-Esteem, also Sex & Sensuality to see how to handle things differently in the future.

  253.  #255Smile on June 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Oo lilibee, thank you for your review.

    Nice one landing the job!

    I’ve been practising the concept for a few days now and been amazed by it already!

    Can’t wait to read 

  254.  #256turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    FW, I would agree with that, but I’ve also recently read that we aren’t supposed to hold back or withhold sex. Maybe it’s the timing? I realize I should have had the commitment talk with him before it got that far….. but I wasn’t sure I wanted a commitment… guess that is part of the problem.

  255.  #257Dominique on June 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Lilibee – I’m sorry, have been crazy busy lately. Can you fill me in? I would love to help if I can.


  256.  #258Dominique on June 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Yes Francesca #211, I do say this. Here are two articles addressing this issue.




  257.  #259T-Girl on June 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Turq, what happened with So Ready?

  258.  #260Tam on June 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    It’s all so confusing now. I mean, I am only 36, but I remember years ago, things just moved ‘naturally’, and now it feels so much work! I remember getting to know someone, being gf/bf, having sex and being exclusive and serious – it just went hand in hand. There was no poofing…it all worked naturally. Why has it all changed? I don’t get it. Is it just me?

  259.  #261turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    What’s your take on how long we should wait for sex? know every situation is different, but what are your thoughts?

  260.  #262Smile on June 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    So I stumbled across a blog like this for
    Men… Interesting read… What surprised me the most was how much they wrote in each post!

  261.  #263Tam on June 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Smile, tell us the web address!! 🙂

  262.  #264turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    So Ready was just not for me…. I couldn’t connect. I tried, tried to be open and receptive…. I really liked him on the phone, but in person…. just wasn’t there. I didn’t sleep with him, it never went beyond a few kisses, in 3 months!

  263.  #265turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    We actually mutually poofed.

  264.  #266Smile on June 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm


    It’s called no more mr nice guy- it’s a support group based on a guys relationship book.

    The post I read about came up when I did a search related to leaning back in relationships. This came up…

    It was interesting to see from there point of view. I can’t post the link as I think it goes into moderation.

  265.  #267Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Turq around sex is still about how you feel. Doing it for your pleasure and not about how you will feel tomorrow. However it should be fully discussed beforehand.

  266.  #268Jessie1000 on June 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Tam….maybe at 36 u are more confident or have more boundaries?
    Or maybe your eyes are more wide open to the stress of bad relationships?
    Or maybe you have a desired result now and so u cant bother with all the wierd stuff….guys can be very wierd especially to women who arent passive.
    I bet you havent had ur heart broke as much?
    Or maybe they go because they cant just use u and abuse u?
    I like to believe anyone who leaves has spared me bullshit rather than believing that I wasnt worthy lol
    Keep on keeping on….!
    Im sure that you will soon find a keeper and see through all the toads….loL!!

  267.  #269Jessie1000 on June 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Tam….maybe at 36 u are more confident or have more boundaries?
    Or maybe your eyes are more wide open to the stress of bad relationships?
    Or maybe you have a desired result now and so u cant bother with all the wierd stuff….guys can be very wierd especially to women who arent passive.
    I bet you havent had ur heart broke as much?
    Or maybe they go because they cant just use u and abuse u?
    I like to believe anyone who leaves has spared me bullshit rather than believing that I wasnt worthy lol
    Keep on keeping on….!
    Im sure that you will soon find a keeper and see through all the toads….loL!!

  268.  #270Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Turq look at how you felt after the fact to learn about what you want and how you work. Not holding back for me is related to trading sex for commitment or using it to gain power in the relationship. You hold off until you are sure about wanting it because it feels good in the moment. Not necessarily to connect long term with the man or expecting that it will create a deeper connection with him.

  269.  #271Starla on June 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I almost broke NC twice today. Day 17. I love me so much (((((((((me))))))))

  270.  #272Tam on June 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Jessie, wow, quite some insight, thank you. Maybe you are right!
    But I do feel sad that it seems ‘work’ nowadays – perhaps it comes with age, we ‘think’ too much. I just so want a good guy who cares for me and me for him.
    Sometimes I wonder if they are all taken. The two good guys I went out with are married now. Maybe I missed out? 🙁

  271.  #273Smile on June 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Wow Starla day 17!

  272.  #274Smile on June 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Hmm. 3 years ago after my ex of 10 years I promised myself never to live with a man who I didn’t have a commitment from and to always have a man chase me… Then I fell head over heels in love, broke all my promises to myself and look where it got me…

    I have re promised these to myself again and I am positive I will keep to it this time!

  273.  #275Jessie1000 on June 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Did u miss out? If u were identical twins physically and personality wise with the girls those dudes married.

    Otherwise u would have got with someone who desired to marry someone like them.

    Being wrong for them does not mean ur undesirable.

    Maybe those girls are dumb or passive?

    Maybe those girls want to give them bjs all day and cook and clean like dogs.

    Maybe they yelled at those girls and the girls took it and didnt break up.

    Maybe they married nice girls but they are just cheaters and these girls dont care.

    Maybe your fine!

    Maybe u dont really need a man?

    Maybe ur happy the way you are and unconsciously are pushing them away?

    Maybe they want gold diggers and ur too generous and sensual to feel right with you?

    Dont just believe the negative thoughts of the COULD bes cause it might be actually a positive thing.

    Wait and see if they get divorced in 3 years or after their first kids…lol

    Marriage is only the start and not the fairy tale ever after….That piece of paper guarantees nothing but a divorce court and a big party on the first day.

    If you see them in the nursing home together, still in love then you might know that he was a keeper….and still he might just have wanted to settle for a girl that requires no work….maybe ur too intelligent for him…and intimidate him cause ur so smart (thats my favorite belief but who knows if its true lol)

  274.  #276Tam on June 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I just saw the ‘no more mr nice guy’ website. If only every man read that! Wow!
    I also struggle with the sex thing. I love sex, but I don’t like it when it makes me feel attached. So do I have to stay celibate until I find ‘my guy’? Oh dear.

    I also want to break my NC to MrU because English guy poofed….and it was ‘my turn’, and I know he feels rejected because I never answered his last email 3 weeks ago. But if I contact him, it will all start again…all the back and forth. I am exhausted.

  275.  #277Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Tam also with Internet dating men have lots of options in women who willingly have sex quIckly so they can move to new women from week to week if tehy so choose

  276.  #278Tam on June 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Aw Jessie , your last post cheered me up soooo much!!! Thank you!!

    FW- very true!! Thank you

  277.  #279turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    FW, I didn’t have sex to try and make him want a committment or anything like that. It felt…. inevitable, so why not do it now and have fun… was going to happen anyways. That sounds totally unpassionate or romantic when I say it that way….lol. I got caught up in the moment, we did discuss birth control, what type of relationship we both wanted…. we really seemed to be on the same page. I did say how much I like attention, to hear from someone, even on a busy day…. the little things mean a lot to me. So, I don’t know. Either he needed some space or something happened that felt off… I don’t know. Which is why I WISH they’d just have a conversation about it, to know. I don’t like the not knowing. So, of course all these thoughts went through my mind, but since I’m just telling myself stories….. I decided to tell myself that the right one isn’t going to poof, so the wrong ones leave to make room for the right one. So I don’t waste my time. This is my year, I know it, I feel it…. I believe it. THis is going to continue to be an amazing year for me.

  278.  #280turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    FW, I didn’t have sex to try and make him want a committment or anything like that. It felt…. inevitable, so why not do it now and have fun… was going to happen anyways. That sounds totally unpassionate or romantic when I say it that way….lol. I got caught up in the moment, we did discuss birth control, what type of relationship we both wanted…. we really seemed to be on the same page. I did say how much I like attention, to hear from someone, even on a busy day…. the little things mean a lot to me. So, I don’t know. Either he needed some space or something happened that felt off… I don’t know. Which is why I WISH they’d just have a conversation about it, to know. I don’t like the not knowing. So, of course all these thoughts went through my mind, but since I’m just telling myself stories….. I decided to tell myself that the right one isn’t going to poof, so the wrong ones leave to make room for the right one. So I don’t waste my time. This is my year, I know it, I feel it…. I believe it. THis is going to continue to be an amazing year for me.

  279.  #281Tam on June 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    I feel sad. I feel not good enough. I feel men just want blonde, tall, big-boobed barbies like MrU and bald CD and I am a petite brunette…and always losing out. I feel lonely and teary.

  280.  #282turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Tam….. I used to feel that way too… I’m also a short brunette :), but when I look at Hollywood…. most of the starlets these days are brunette! That makes me feel better. Nothing against all the stunning blondes, but I’ve had quite a few men tell me they prefer brunettes. There is someone for everyone! 🙂

  281.  #283siren song on June 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Starla! Day 17! Yes!

    I’m on day 6 not responding (because he emails me meaningless links to videos, not substantial messages so there’s nothing to respond to, really) and day 11 not initiating.

  282.  #284turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I’m really feeling like doing an experiment where I only date someone for 30 days. And I tell them that upfront. I only want to date for 30 days. Then, next. New beginning. Not forever, but just curious as to what that short term dynamic would add to my vibe, my emotions… how they would react. I really want to have a funfilled summer. I was so looking forward to that with S.

  283.  #285turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I’m really feeling like doing an experiment where I only date someone for 30 days. And I tell them that upfront. I only want to date for 30 days. Then, next. New beginning. Not forever, but just curious as to what that short term dynamic would add to my vibe, my emotions… how they would react. I really want to have a funfilled summer. I was so looking forward to that with S.

  284.  #286turquoise on June 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I’m really feeling like doing an experiment where I only date someone for 30 days. And I tell them that upfront. I only want to date for 30 days. Then, next. New beginning. Not forever, but just curious as to what that short term dynamic would add to my vibe, my emotions… how they would react. I really want to have a funfilled summer. I was so looking forward to that with S.

  285.  #287Femininewoman on June 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Turq I have a cd with a coach who recommends trying the shorterm thing. Renee Piane

  286.  #288Smile on June 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Yey for short brunettes! I’m in that club too 

  287.  #289Daria on June 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Im feeling sad

    i love my sadness


    im feeling smily

    i love my smilyness

    im feeling sigh

    i love my sighness

    im feeling yawny

    i love my yawniness

  288.  #290Tam on June 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Turquoise..thank you!
    Also, interesting your 30 day concept – so what would you do if there was mutual interest after 30 days??? 🙂

  289.  #291Daria on June 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    im feeling disappointed

    maybe i feel shame

    i love my shame

    maybe fear

    and i know its ok to want the world and men to take care of me

    im so worthy

    yay for beign me even if others judge me

  290.  #292Linda on June 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    193…THanks Goldenflower. Again, I completely get you. I have not ruled out circular dating or am waiting. I have had a worse breakup than this last one which actually brought me to this blog in the first place over 5 years ago now. He truely was the love of my life and he poofed on me. I hurt so much that my skin literally ached when he left. I was totally blind sided that time. That is a way I NEVER want to feel again.

    This last relationship is not as bad. It did not have the level of intimacy. I kept my feet on the ground with this one. I did not over function nor did I “lead”. I always felt unwanted by him, yet he was with me. So I would rationalize my feelings away and plod thru another day. It is so draining and unhappy a life to live with a depressed human being. One who acts like they will try to do some things different, but dont actually do them. I actually can say I do not miss him. He did do an occasional thoughtful thing like bring me flowers and took me to a nice dinner on valentines day this past year that he planned… but mostly did not engage in “life” with me. He exsisted and I lived. On a trip he would want me to drive so he could sleep. Or say… you go see it about it.. I need to rest. I always felt alone, even when he walked right beside me. So… I dont miss him at all. That is what I kept myself grounded by. The whole time I knew he was not “into mem or pleasing me just because”. Which I have found out is how he has treated all of his relationships and why they have failed I suppose.

    I am glad to NOT be stuffing feelings anymore. I know I should not have done that and I own that. I did not take care of me. I got to where the conflict was easier to avoid. That is not good for me either. I feel that sharing my vunerable parts could not be done with him any longer because he simply DID NOT CARE about me or making a life together.

    101 # 195
    As far as the little episode I had online yesterday. Writing first. yeah I know, it was a little lean forward. But… I think that guy was a JERK and RUDE and OVER REACTED. Guess that will just teach me huh?….. whatever! It made me MAD and what he did was uncalled for. I am wound up. Not at any one here. ….. If a guy who gives the impression that he is wisecracker cant take a little light hearted note then thats too bad for him.

    xxoo all

  291.  #293Starla on June 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    261 smile, i want to see the link:D

  292.  #294Daria on June 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    im feeling really disconnected and turned off from the blog

    i feel all punshing

    i feel all nto good

    thisi s how i feel with guys soemtimes

    i wanna keep away and really i just want it to turn all lovely and engaging again

    and instead it just feels well


    whining, annoying, draining

    i ahte that feelign

    i feel so disappointed


    ok i was blaming energetically

    so wout blaming what i feel is icky turned off and pulled down

  293.  #295Daria on June 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    ok im still gonna write here

    is this kinda like leaning forward with a man

    i feel all ‘give up’

    the type that i wind up ‘leaning forward’ with?

    cuz i ‘gave up’ attracting?

    and i really dont want to sink in my feelings

    and im sinking in my feelings

    im feeling so disappointed

  294.  #296Dominique on June 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    turquoise – #260 – In my opinion, there are no rules around sex. If it feels right and you want to, then go ahead. Sex earlier or later does not make or break a relationship.

    If things don’t end up working out, you still enjoyed yourself, and this is a good thing.

    If it was lousy sex, oh well, no sense in beating yourself up over maybe not the best choice.

    And then again it all could work out very well.

    I know of people who have had sex on a first date, and they had a happily ever after anyway. I would say though that I know more people that didn’t.

    For me I have not done this, not because I had any rule around it but because no one ever pressed me to, and I likely would have felt too shy or uncomfortable to do so without knowing the man better as a person.


  295.  #297siren song on June 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I feel weirded out that guy who loves me emails me little emails. It makes me feel hopeful and then disappointed.

  296.  #298Daria on June 26, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    so disappointed

    aint no man even close to this

    sometimes open up only to be frightened out my wits

    does it really come to this

    to ask for help and get it or get judged for it

    i hate it

    i hate that and i love life

    the sunshine and the white light on my bed and the top of my balustrade

    im feelin chill an still dead headed

    nothin really poppin my phone off but if it was on id jus be feelin lonely

    righ tnow im feelin fly and alone like the one time i got rest off my tour of the world

    this is my face 🙁

    and i got no men around that want more then sex

    and the ones that do cant amke it ahppen all the way

    as far as a date that feels legit

    what is it i get sucked off this bridge a thousand times to taka a lil step and

    its till all good jus pulled so much into wat i want take care of me

    take care of me

    take take receive

    dont talk to him

    just talk to me

    an me i can receive wat im offered dont ask?

    dont ask jus say i desire

    i desired

    dont ask

    af i fm

    it would feel so good to have my phone paid by a man who want nothin in return


    strenghten my trust in life


    feelin smily

    an shaky

    an sleepy

    an waky

  297.  #299siren song on June 26, 2012 at 2:35 pm


    How long did you lean back with D? A month?

  298.  #300goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    259: Tam says:
    It’s all so confusing now. I mean, I am only 36, but I remember years ago, things just moved ‘naturally’, and now it feels so much work! I remember getting to know someone, being gf/bf, having sex and being exclusive and serious – it just went hand in hand. There was no poofing…it all worked naturally. Why has it all changed? I don’t get it. Is it just me?

    I completely feel the same as this sometimes. I have another theory, that in our twenties we are far less picky and able to take risks with our hearts too, as we havent felt the full depths of heartbreak yet. It was all so easy for me from age 22 until 34, and now, it is so hard and complicated. I’m 36 , nrly 37 as well. I think online dating also plays a part, as another siren said, men can more easily casually date every week and not committ as much as they were expected to in the past. But also we’re all more free to pick and choose now, and the world is much more connected than ever before. Whereas in the past you pretty much limited your choices to the town you lived in and made do!!! But then again if I had married the guy i was engaged to aged 17, then we would have had to divorce, there was no way that would have lasted. But I still have faith that gentelmen are out there, who also want to be married and to share their life with just one woman. Heres to that, xx

  299.  #301goldenflower on June 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    291: Linda
    I understand what you’re saying. You are so much better off now then, rather than with someone who couldnt give at all. And it seems from what you describe, that this person became a bad habit for you, one that was hard to quit. But you did quit. I think if you’re in the way of being the giver in a relationship then it can be really hard to become the receiver. But it can change, I am aiming towards this for myself.

    I was dumped by a guy a month ago because he got really depressed (worse than usual) and just “cdnt be in a relationship”. He had been sectioned (mental health act) three years earlier, as his type of depression can turn delusional. The thing is he was so lovely, considerate, communicated every day. We only went out for two months and had a real connection, so i thought. He is now stuck back at home as the carer for his parents, which has triggered his episode. I have gone from feeling rejected and abandoned to understanding that he just cannot give at all, even to himself. Overall I just think that depressive people have a really hard time being giving partners, which is bad news if you want an equal relationship or to be treated as a siren should. So I have accepted what happened, I cant control what he feels or what he wants. I give up any need to control or chase, or wonder.
    I did my best to be there for him but he had to shut me out no matter how I was.
    I feel much much better than i ever expected to feel, as its only been a month. I think just accepting I did my best, has helped. And also recognising that I want and require a giving partner, a good guy who wants to make me happy and is able to do this. I gave too much too soon to the last guy, from start to finish. I can see this now. I am putting my own needs front and centre to stay on my own bridge. No following someone off a bridge.

    And Linda, i also think that guy on email sounds like a total loser, he sounds neurotic if he replied like that. I think thats an indisputable over-reaction. Thank your lucky stars you found this out before you even had to meet him. There are some dangerous men out there, after all. It is good to stay safe and trust your instincts.
    I remain hopeful that my current CD is a different type from usual, I feel like asking him twenty questions (like men do). Which would include, do you have history of depressive illness, do you want children, do you like the smiths, do you see yourself as a boy or man, do you beleive it important to bring presents/ food or wine when you visit your dates house? I’d love to ask this but of course I wont., haha. xx

  300.  #302Rebecca on June 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Hi sirens ~ I am reading your discussion about the why’s and wherefore’s of sex…

    A male friend of mine said this on the subject of casual sex.

    ‘it is only a oroblem when it is good’

    I laughed my head off! 🙂

  301.  #303ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    @149 Esteemed – That is so nice of R to help you out!! 🙂

  302.  #304ReceivingGirl on June 26, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    @180 Tam – thank you! 🙂

  303.  #305siren song on June 26, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    I feel so sad and lonely. I am so missing sleeping in the same bed with man who loves me.

    I just saw him on the street. He rode his bike past me and took the long way to pass by me but didn’t say anything.

    Arg. I feel scared i’m never going to find someone i liked as much as him.

  304.  #306LiliBee on June 26, 2012 at 7:07 pm


    Hi Siren Song,

    I leaned totally back with no contact whatsoever for 1.5 months.
    Then he contacted me and began chasing me.
    I kept leaning totally back for another 2 months, that is until we approached 2 weeks before our vacation alone together.
    I started calling him about 2x a week until we took the plane.

    Anwering your question, I’m seeing something there for me:
    I leaned forward alot since we’ve been back 2 weeks ago, and that’s when I gradually started feeling taken for granted again and he started acting out like I was ‘easy’ and he didn’t have to work to charm me anymore.
    I would lean forward by packing an overnight bag almost every night to go sleepover at his place.
    Then I complained that I felt tired and stressed from running around for 20 days packing to go somewhere.

    Hmmm, so leaning back again I go.

    I’ve been doing so since we got back from our weekend out of town.
    Actually I leaned back coz I got so triggered over the weekend.
    But he did call me to invite me for supper and even cooked for me last night.
    I leaned back by coming back to my place to sleep.
    I couldn’t stand to pack another overnight bag.

    I didn’t call him all day, spent some time here instead, and he called me a few minutes ago to say goodnight before he went to bed.

    He spent the evening having some quality alone time with his son.

  305.  #307Daria on June 26, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    im feeling a bit better

  306.  #308LiliBee on June 26, 2012 at 7:17 pm


    Siren Song,

    I wish I had magic words for you.

    All I can say is I’ve had those exact same feelings, I know them very well.

    Weird I did not have them when I broke up with D for 2 months though.

    I had those feelings when my prior relationship ended.
    I just missed falling asleep with any man back then.

  307.  #309LiliBee on June 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm


    Oh FW!

    That feels incredibly good to read 🙂

    After spending some time here today, I was able to go home and spend a wonderful time reconnecting with my bf.
    Then I felt open, receptive and compassionate when D called to say goodnight.

    I love you sirens!
    I don’t know what I would do without this blog!

  308.  #310Daria on June 26, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Happy Birthday Memulo

  309.  #311Daria on June 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    omg my mom just threw away almost all of my box of ‘precious things’ including love letters and mementos of my most special relationships

    i feel devastated

    been crying and howling

  310.  #312LiliBee on June 26, 2012 at 8:35 pm


    Thank You Dominique!

    I did read your posts on your website.
    So you did help.
    I feel much better, more relaxed and peaceful 🙂

    I felt very angry.
    Then my anger morphed into sadness.
    Now I feel more relaxed and peaceful.

    I remember his droopy face and teary eyes when I left him on Sunday saying I feel angry and I need space…He can’t possibly not care and not love me.

    I would feel better reconnecting with my own life.
    I’ve been totally into his life for 3 weeks.
    I’ve started feeling a little lost and disconnected from myself by doing so.
    I felt so good being with him 24/7 on vacation, I wanted it to last.
    I got hooked and totally forgot about myself for the following 2 weeks.

    This trigger reminded me how good I felt being a little more independant and doing stuff on my own.
    So I went to visit my bf tonight, and we made plans to go bike riding together.

  311.  #313Daria on June 26, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    my memory box. its gone. all my letters. gone.

    i have one left. just a drawign.

    from a guy i wasnt all that intimate with.

    the rest. gone.

    but i did find the letter i wrote to guy who.

    it was surprisingly feelingy

    other than some turn offss like stabs at other women


    i feel tired of this god

    im ready to die

    my parents are arguing downstairs

    well my dad is being loud

    my dad is ignoring me

    he doesnt treat me loviungly

    who cares about this stupid stupid life

    i want to die already

    ok actually no i dont

    i want to live and have a happy life

    but i really really dont think its possible

    not the way i want it

    i watn everyone to be happy

    and safe

  312.  #314Starla on June 26, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    My state is burning to the ground. My heart feels heavy for everyone who has lost their material lives and mementos. Some had such little warning and were lucky to get out with just their lives and pets. I am going to fall asleep tonight imagining rain and feeling so grateful for rain. I feel scared to notice how it’s not raining and how we need rain.

  313.  #315Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Starla 🙁 im so sorry to hear that. Its so sad.

  314.  #316Emoticon on June 26, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    I hope you dont lose your stuff in all this. I might put rain for you in my universe box.

    Daria….. im sorry you lost your memory box 🙁

  315.  #317Starla on June 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I am going to be just fine here in my city-dwelling. I am thinking of lk right now and hoping her and CD are safe from fires.

  316.  #318Starla on June 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    i mean, other cities are starting to burn pretty close by, but mine isn’t going to.

  317.  #319Rori Raye on June 26, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Daria – OMG – so sorry that happened. Daria – once again…when you get independent enough to live away from your parents – things will shift for you. Right now you’re dealing with them so much, it’s taking so much of your energy. You are such a goddess – can’t wait to see you begin to soar…Love, Rori

  318.  #320Rori Raye on June 26, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Starla – Thinking of rain, water, calm air…Love, Rori

  319.  #321Brandylion on June 26, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Do you know what a difference it would make in the way I feel if I had a visit with a man at the end of the summer to look forward to? It was unlikely that PriestCD would have come back to AZ to visit me if we were still dating, but I would have been talking to him and sharing what I’m going through with someone who’s gone through this program and knows what it’s like. I would have had the hope for and promise of time with him when this was all over. Instead, I just get to go straight back to school. Okay, not quite. My sister is going to fly out and road trip back with me for a week after these classes are out and before school starts. But that trip wouldn’t be happening if I were still with PriestCD because I’d have had a reason to get home quickly from AZ, or he’d be my road trip partner.

    I just feel so alone. I’ve spent over six hours in the past three days on the phone with my best friend, mostly supporting her through a really tough time, and I have needed that time to get my work done. I am feeling the pressure now. I don’t want to call her because it will be another long conversation, and I just literally DO NOT have the time to spare even though I’m hurting. 🙁

    I feel frozen. I feel so overwhelmed by all of this that I’m having a hard time functioning and even getting started.

    Thursday and Friday are going to be so awful. We are going out Thursday for my birthday to a popular brewery. It’s a great place and worth going to again; we were there a few times per week the first time I was here taking a class. It’s where we went last year for my birthday. That’s what we considered the date that started our relationship. And then Friday is the actual day, which would have marked one year. I’m going to be spending it in class and then working on research the rest of the day.

    This year, there will be no flirting and sitting close enough together to touch at the brewery. There will be no walking back holding hands. There will be no good night kiss at my door. There will be no sleepless night because I felt SO DAMN EXCITED! There will be only the memories and the empty place in my life where he used to be and a cold, empty bed.

    Will I make new memories with other people? Sure. But they can’t compare to last year. That was the best summer of my life, and I knew that as it was happening. It’s not just hindsight. The summers that could be even better are so far away right now that it’s not even worth it to mention that they’ll happen.

  320.  #322Starla on June 26, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Thank you, Rori

  321.  #323Daria on June 26, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    jus feelin all devastated

    this big ass fight thing went down at my hous

    i dont feel ‘got’ here

    im feelin all fuchked up too

    it wasnt even me in the fight it was them

    im jus feelin all fuhked up

    i aint got nobody comin thru for me right now either

  322.  #324siren song on June 26, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    thanks lilibee,

    i’m really leaning back. the more i do, the more he shows up, even just on the street. i really feel bad focusing on him, so i’ve been dating a little and going out A LOT with my friends. planning trips. focusing on my job and my house.

    and the more i lean back, the more i realise that it’s FOR ME, not just an attractive thing to men. i feel 1000% better than when guy who loves me and i were together. he was sick and angry and his job was crazy. it felt very draining. i feel so much lighter now. my heart feels more open.

  323.  #325Daria on June 26, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    Thank you Emoticon Knocksoftly and Rori

    that feels REALLY soothing

    really really

    thank u

  324.  #326Daria on June 26, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    well this one guy i just called this number and it was him he will come thru tonite he said . he says he loves me

    he always has this is that one that wanted me from day one and wants to marry me

  325.  #327siren song on June 26, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    i feel happy after hanging out with my oldest girlfriends in the city then going by myself to kareoke. i made some good long eye contact with cute guys. this city is FULL of cute guys. sigh.

  326.  #328siren song on June 26, 2012 at 11:04 pm


  327.  #329siren song on June 26, 2012 at 11:04 pm


  328.  #330Pamelala on June 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    I am on vacation on the east coast while my city is burning to the ground. I just got off the phone with my son who is preparing to evacuate our home at a moments notice. It is so surreal and heartbreaking. Many friends have already lost everything and I feel helpless 2000 miles away.

    I am praying for shifting winds, cooler weather and rain – also for safety for those risking their lives to save Colirado and for those who are in harms way. I am so proud of the way neighbor is helping neighbor and my son is embracing his masculinity and protecting our family.

    Thank you all for your prayers, positive thoughts and good wishes.

  329.  #331Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    damn my old best friend got married to a dude (he cheated on her and she was so in love – she left him and i guess went back and now they have a baby and got married in december)

    i introduced them

    i dont talk to her anymore

    i feel a bit sad about that


    but some of the comments i read on her page show me that we not on the same pages

    she made a comment about “she deserved everything bad that ahppend to her” aobut a movie thing

    and that feels bad to me

    i feel jealous to be excluded tho

    i feel jealous shes married and

    she finished her degree

    well maybe less of that tho i am impressed

    she has this lvoely life now and its all without me…

    and shes probably really close by too!

  330.  #332Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    wow they got rings too!

  331.  #333Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    ANd they all friendly with my other x best friend who married my boyfriend

    and this best friend was the one who was so advocating not being friends with that girl wow and now

    thats what make me pist n feel turned off


  332.  #334Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    now im suppose to marry guywho to keep it all in the fam as my plan was origainally…

  333.  #335Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    i wanted to take my friends from Old city to New city and have them meet guys from New City

    now my bros and girls are all hooked up and im left out tho wow

    what if i really do reconnect w guy who?

  334.  #336Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    im still a queen right?

    my dreams are still coming true?

    im still Daria

  335.  #337Daria on June 26, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    well i just found that California is named for queen Califia 🙂

  336.  #338Daria on June 27, 2012 at 12:00 am

    (((((Colorado Sirens)))))

  337.  #339Daria on June 27, 2012 at 12:01 am

    thanks siren song

  338.  #340boasgirl on June 27, 2012 at 12:24 am

    yesterday i met with mr. ex – i’ve been so eager to, and yes, i’ve been chasing him, and yes, he had noticed and he was acting annoyed, saying mean things to me, being emotionally distant.

    i guess i have pushed him away again, like so many times before, when we were together.

    i don’t know how i managed to believe that he would be different as a friend, now that we don’t have sex –
    or that i would be different -less clingy – i guess i am less desperate – i feel less desperate, but i also guess he can smell my desperation – what i still have left of it …

    and then he told me he’s interested in this girl – she’s in Israel (he’s from there also), and he had something going on with her like 6 years ago, before he met me 5 years ago.

    the funny thing is that i had a feeling that this had happened -that he was interested in her again –
    it’s weird, because he hasn’t mentioned her much, only in the beginning he told me about her, and i asked about her a couple of times –
    but i guess i had a feeling

    and now i feel so sad,
    but not hopeless
    i also feel kind of happy i don’t have to deal with his mood swings
    i don’t have to deal with his resistance to commitment
    with his sexual past (involving prostitutes¨
    with his herpes (!)

    oh my goodness, what a life …
    but i feel scared to -that i will end up alone –
    i so miss a man to hold me
    i so miss a best friend to curl up to at night
    i feel fragile
    i feel hopeful

  339.  #341boasgirl on June 27, 2012 at 12:53 am


    and thank you, Tam!

    (((Starla))) Wishing for rain where you are!

  340.  #342Rebecca on June 27, 2012 at 1:30 am

    Morning sirens ~ I feel so overwelmed today. I am going away at the weekend and I have sooo much to do? Why do I always have so much to do??

    I feel so unmotivated…

    I feel down…

  341.  #343Daria on June 27, 2012 at 1:37 am

    omg ! 😀 i texted this whole response about i feel more romantic when a guy is in charge of paying to the WRONG guy!

    and he didnt catch on lol 🙂

  342.  #344boasgirl on June 27, 2012 at 2:07 am

    Daria, ha-ha 🙂

  343.  #345Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:17 am

    so the guy who was comin to see me tonite decided not to cuz its too dangerous for him without tags and no license

    (how the hell was he driving before then?)

    and earlier i was crying and asked him to come see me and hes like yeah im gona hurry up and come see u

    i kinda got mean and passive agressive w him (oops i do that a lot w him)


    well i feel pist

    like wtf hes always talkin about coming to see me and hasnt

    he use to really be there for me at first and now it dont feel like that anymore

  344.  #346Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:17 am


  345.  #347Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:25 am

    great now hes writing:

    “you dont be wanting to treat me like you want me to be your man and that be turning me off”

    gee willikers perfect FM minus the feeling part im like uhhh

    actually i was treating u like that

  346.  #348Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:28 am

    i dont know what to answer him

    I feel… mad?

    I feel… devastated and alone?

    thank u for letting me know?

  347.  #349Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:29 am

    how about not answering

    i dont even kno if i want to really talk to him anymore

  348.  #350Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:31 am

    in the past, i did push him back and tell him i just wwant to be friends

    but this isnt the case now

    right now i was jus feelin mad and attakced him

    and also, he said he would come, and didnt. when i was upset.

    another man i think i would hella drop for that.

    if i had self esteem

    which i many times do

  349.  #351Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:33 am

    maybe i jus wont say anything

    maybe thats his cop out

  350.  #352Daria on June 27, 2012 at 2:41 am

    all i said was

    “i feel mad”

  351.  #353Esteemed on June 27, 2012 at 2:44 am

    I got the kittens cared for yesterday at a vet. The whole thing felt miraculous: the emergency vet taking delayed payment, R taking his entire day to drive around and take the kittens (he drove out half a tank of gas running all over the place).

    I only got to enjoy actual time with him on the way to and from work, but it felt so marvelous to see him after not seeing him since February! There was a lot of confusion over directions, because our plan changed, and he didn’t have a GPS, driving on strange roads. He did an amazing job following directions that I texted him off mapquest.

    What touched me most was his utter kindness in taking a day to take 3 sick little kittens to the vet, when everyone else was telling me it wasn’t worth the money. He gave me little bits of encouragement every so often. I saw a level of gentleness to his heart that was astounding. He has grown so much, and I have grown so much, and I cherished every moment I spent with him!

  352.  #354Francesca on June 27, 2012 at 3:05 am

    (((Colorado Sirens)))

    Wish I could send you some of the rain that’s been falling non stop here for two days.

  353.  #355Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 4:02 am

    ((((((((Starla)))))))))). ((((((((@amelala))))))))))

    ((((((((Flowerchild))))))))). (((((((Jeannette))))))))))

    (((((((((((Slippin Goddess)))))))))). (((((CocoKissess))

  354.  #356Linda on June 27, 2012 at 4:09 am

    #310 Goldenflower says:

    I have gone from feeling rejected and abandoned to understanding that he just cannot give at all,

    I understand this. I lived it. THe only word I would change in this sentence is Cannot. It is my belief that they can give, just wont.

    I do want a giver. I have learned the art of receiving, though I enjoy giving too. Just not to a person who never reciprocates. I become disinterested and taken for granted, resentment follows closely behind. I will talk about it but if nothing changes… I then loose respect. It is quite a slippery slope.

    THe more I peel back my heart and dive into my soup of feelings. The more I am discovering about me. Being out of my situation I have more clarity too. A sense of calm it begining to emerge.

    I thought last night as I went to bed. Shame on you EX… you took advantage of my giving good nature. I did only good for you. I loved you in spite of your flaws. i have twinges of feeling sick when I think he is probably seeing, talking or sleeping with someone else now, but then I remember he is NO PRIZE. I was miserable with him and he is not ignoring me while he sits on the other end of my sofa. I feel sorry for the next notch on his belt.

    ((( me)))


  355.  #357Daria on June 27, 2012 at 4:13 am

    wow so this guy basically got me thinking that this could be good

    that airing emotions is acutally healthy and healing

    and me howling and cryng and subsequent parent huge argument is good an on the path to healing

    i feel sad and also i want to believe in this and i will

  356.  #358Daria on June 27, 2012 at 4:14 am

    aww Esteemed… that feels touching that you care about the kittens and sad that ppl are telling u its not worth it

    soudn lovely that R was helping u with it

  357.  #359Tam on June 27, 2012 at 4:37 am

    Esteemed, that is ‘wow’. A sad situation and your knight in shining armour comes through….nevermind about past and future…that is a touching story.

  358.  #360Daria on June 27, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Dear Daria

    Hi friend. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening.

    I feel so …, overwhelmed n dazed w these men, none get this dating thing ‘right’ and I still feel lonely.

    Perhaps don’t use them as company u say? date only? Hmm

    Well I bet tomorrow afternoon is no longer showing.

    This guy who say he love u mite not either.

    So who is goin to? Likely no one…

    And that’s ok. I can plan for that. No man plan for today.

    But that doesn’t feel fun ;(

    Not sure I want that… Hmmm

    I want smoke m companionship

  359.  #361Daria on June 27, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Love u d.

  360.  #362Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 5:32 am

    I am beautiful. I am beauty. I love my body. I get to love it, it is mine.

  361.  #363Rebecca on June 27, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Hi sirens ~ I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place… Hmmm…. This whole ‘being authentic’ but not being blamey and ranty etc… How is this done??

    Sometimes I feel I am being so careful all the time..

    With this one guy, my neighbour, I feel like I don’t know what to say to him. My heart likes him but my mind is not so sure. He has let me down quite a few times but he will always be soooo charming about it. I feel like I want to yell at him as I feel so confused.. But then I will look like the bad guy.

    My other option is to walk away I guess but then that feels like closing the door, and I ‘may’ be wrong about him?!… Interesting…

  362.  #364Rebecca on June 27, 2012 at 6:03 am

    I feel unsure whether to speak to him..

    I feel unsure whether to just cut my loses and ignore him..

    Hmm… Why am I feeling like this? Am i cross and unhappy because he is not giving me more… Yes. I guess i am…

    I feel unsure about walking away because secretly i want him to run after me, and rescue me. And i feel sad thinking that this won’t happen… He doesn’t even want to be friends with me.

    I think he already has tons of friends so i guess he’s thinking whats the point if another friend?? He also has loads of women after him apparently… Hmmm, i feel jealous, i feel sad… U wanted to have a connection with him… I feel pushed to the back of the line… Actually not even in the line… I am sad and low… I am nowhere… It is that classic case of pining for somwbody who doesn’t want us… I could imagine him being soooo smug about it too… He would have very little sympathy for me… He’s never asked how I am – or shown an interest in my life.. Talk about sending me a message that he’s not interested… Bstard… I’m sure he’s loving that I’m upset – what kind of man does that to a woman???…

  363.  #365Lilibee on June 27, 2012 at 6:03 am

    (((Colorado sirens))),

    I’m sending rainy vibes your way.

  364.  #366Starla on June 27, 2012 at 6:10 am

    I did something very unlike me – I decided to skip the gym this morning. I usually go 5 days a week, but I feel very tired and sore and inspired to relax in bed for the next hour instead of work out.

    I also noticed my body seemed like it was about to get sick for the last week or so. My throat is always sore and my lungs feel heavy and my lymph nodes under my jaw are swelling a bit. And then I remembered that it’s the smoke from the fires! So I am going to give it a rest today. I am blessed to have “cured” my asthma, but I don’t want to push it.

  365.  #367Rebecca on June 27, 2012 at 6:12 am

    I love my pining…

    I love my feelings…

  366.  #368Jessie1000 on June 27, 2012 at 6:27 am

    So glad to see that ur kittens will be cared for and that you have good friends to help you

    Sometimes a great guy friend is better than a boyfriend because there is no looming break up and then the bf is gone.

    I need more guy friends than boyfriends.

    A good guy friend can give the best advice about sex too. They just know you so well and see all the weaknesses.

    You deserve some happiness!


  367.  #369Tam on June 27, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Feeling piney also…and weepy and just want to reach out to a man, and break the NC with Mr U…but no. I won’t and I am feeling sad about that too. It feels like I have given up. I feel like giving up – and I feel like giving up on love.
    I don’t really want anyone else, and he is not available, and even the good guys that I don’t want either are poofing right now….I am fed up and so I am going to love myself.

  368.  #370Jessie1000 on June 27, 2012 at 7:06 am

    The Work by Byron Katie….

    (From Rori – I had to delete this comment because it was a great portion of Byron Katie’s work and would infringe on copyright and not be okay for me to print it…I don’t have the direct link…but if you google “Byron Katie” you’ll find some great stuff.)

    “Try this…….”

  369.  #371turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Hi Colorado Sirens…. my heart goes out to you. So sorry.

    Esteemed, sweet story! i’m glad that worked out for you. 🙂

    Tam, I don’t know…. guess I’ll have to see, maybe take it another 30 days at a time? THat would keep me from getting to far ahead of myself for sure. Think it would affect my vibe too… keep me in a better frame of mind. So, we’ll see,

    No reply from S to my good luck, take care texts…. but I didn’t expect one. His loss. Moving on.

    Mr. Conversation came over for dinner at 7 and stayed until 2:30. We talked the entire time…. about all kinds of things, a lot about our lives, our kids, families, but even some wishes and dreams. It was interesting. I asked him some guy questions too…. feel like I”m getting insider information.

    He said men pull away because they feel the woman wants way more after sex (potential loss of freedom)

    and this was the harder one to swallow…. the reason most men come back, (of course this is just in his opinion as a 35 year old man) is that men tend to have low self esteem, and they leave the relationship for whatever reason thinking they’ll meet someone else, but that they do get lonely and want someone, so they look back at the women they have dated, and figure you liked them once, you probably will again. So they give it another shot.

    So, that kind of put it in perspective to me about giving guys another shot. Yeah, it’s nice to be warm and friendly, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they get what they want, when they want… just because they do. I believe I’d have higher expectations thinking of it from their perspective. Thinking of it as, oh they missed me, realize what they lost, that feels more romantic and hopeful, than…. this low self esteem man didn’t find the grass greener on the other side, so now he’s coming back.

  370.  #372turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I’ve never been successful at keeping guy friends, and I’d be hesitant to date Conversation, because potentially, unless one of us would move… we are going to run into each other a lot. Our girls are in the same grade, cheerleading, girl scouts… if we cross that line and date and it doesn’t go well, could make life a lot more difficult or at least uncomfortable. He always hugs me goodbye, but he’s really tall, and it’s not a melt into you kinda hug. No kissing, even though he likes to flirt and talk about it.

    He’s really self motivated, a lot like my ex actually…. but I think he might be in my life to not only help each other out with the kids and household stuff ( 🙂 ) , but to help me get my candy business up and off the ground. He does amazing websites, knows how to get them ranked at the top of google… it’s very impressive.

    At the top of my bucket list is to have my name recorded in history somewhere public. Not just to my family…. but to be successful at something like getting a children’s book published, or a self help book for women recovering from divorce… or to have one of my photos win a competition or for my candy business to take off and even locally, be a success. I’m not a real self motivated person. I have all these great ideas, but I don’t push myself to find them. I think being around him might help me do that.

    One of the things I like so much about my journey with the blog, is just how much more aware I am. How much more I want to know about myself, about other people… my surroundings, why things are the way the are… where I can go from here. It’s an amazing feeling to find that in myself now, that curiousity and awareness. I feel more awake to life. Make sense?

  371.  #373Tam on June 27, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Turquoise – very interesting insight into men’s minds…I figured as much about the men coming back to give it another shot….sad but true.

    I believe that if they don’t feel like committing to a woman first time around, but they know she has a soft spot for them, they will go for it in times of loneliness..for sure. Sometimes we do too.

    In the words of a good male friend of mine: ‘men are weak and they’ll take what’s on offer’. If they get an offer, it’s better than no offer, but that doesn’t mean they want more.
    That is a bitter pill to swallow for me too, very bitter, as I had convinced myself MrU kept coming back to me because he was in love with me…now I am not so sure. I was just convenient, the girl who would jump when he shouted (well, not so much in the last year)…the girl who was there when he needed female company to show off and so on.

    I believe he has feelings for me but they are not strong enough for more….sooo he keeps looking and when he realises he doesn’t find anyone better, or nobody else puts up with some of his issues, and I am available in Florida – he will always run to me. Without fail. 2 years now. It will go on forever which is why I have to stop it now.
    And he keeps insinuating he wants a relationship but not follow through…same game every time, a little more effort from him every time, so I think things have changed when they haven’t.
    It’s just not healthy anymore, I am exhausted….yet it is so hard to stay away.
    Urgh. It will be ok.

  372.  #374turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Oh Tam…. I can relate. I was hopeful my ex husband and I could reconcile. He has done a lot of wonderful things for me and our girls over the last year, but didn’t mean he wanted to get back together. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I feel good that I put myself out there, I tried… and won’t have any regrets or wonder what if. It’s time to move forward. I like that better than move on. I’m moving forward. 🙂 HUgs to you!

  373.  #375turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 8:07 am

    I do believe though, that people make mistakes, or get mad and leave a relationship because of the circumstance. And that in time, people can grow and change and be a better fit. I do really believe that. But these guys who poof early on, aren’t even giving it a chance to get serious, so not sure I believe those guys are coming back for any other reason than they are lonely.

  374.  #376Starla on June 27, 2012 at 8:23 am

    I feel depressed and lonely and I’m thinking, on one hand, I can learn to provide myself comfort…

    But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s natural. I think I’m meant to be in a village where I am held and told everything is going to be okay. I don’t have that in my life anymore, and the only time I have it is when a man is interested in me.

    So… am I screwed? Do I need depression medication? I feel lonely and just need hugs.

  375.  #377Starla on June 27, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I actually started considering moving to lame central Florida to be closer to my grandma, because there’s an unlimited source of comfort and hugs there. But my mom lives with her, and have you ever been to central Florida? lol that place sucks

  376.  #378charlotte on June 27, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Rori, i purchased your ebook, Have The Relationship You Want. I read it again today. I lean more each time I read it. I need some advice. I have been searching everything i can about relationships on the net. I have done everything wrong, I have done it all! And now my boyfriend has gone back to an old girlfriend he had in Indiana. We had a long distant relationship and he went back there to work with his dad. Supposedly to work and make money to go back to NC to get a place for us. Anyway it would take to long to tell it all. But he didn’t even end it with me first. I found out from his bestfriend in NC. I then called him on it and he still tried to lie. Needless to say I found out for sure in the cruelest of ways. I said what I had to say and changed my number. This was 2 weeks ago yesterday. Sunday a week ago he e-mailed me to get my address to send some money he owed me. Nothing personal. I know his mom has my address. I did get weak and e-mailed him on wednesday, brief and light about letting me know if he got my address. Rori, I am in the process of reinventing myself, losing weight, working on the inside, etc. I have read alot on the net about break ups and trying to get my ex back but i think you are “right on” about it all. What I need to know is what to do now. I love him and i really believe that he loves me but I know I did all those things you mentioned in your book. I have not contacted him, begged or pleaded and as I said I changed my number. now ehat do I do. I would love to buy all your books but I cannot buy any at this time. If you could just tell me if I need to not contact him for a while till I get myself completely together or if I need to talk to him. All the others say NO CONTACT, let him come to you. but I changed my number so what do i do. Please help……………

  377.  #379Sophie on June 27, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Hugs Starla – I’ve not commented for ages but I have been reading when I can and I always notice what you say as our relationships ended at moreorless the same time – it isn’t easy and every day I am getting by and getting through but I’m also getting stronger I’m sure and think about toxic ex a lot less but still like you say today I feel sad and depressed and lonely. I find it very very very difficult after being in a relationship not being able to make love with anyone and I feel hornyA LOT! But… I can’t just sleep with anyone it feels bad to me and my sexulaity is ll bound up with my ex and I know that he is sleeping with other people and then I feel sooooo sad – I cry (only a little bit) most days. I am dating but feeling stressed and anxious as I am not meeting anyone I want to date (like my ex) and I want a radical change of life new city new job new everything but don’t know how to get there – it feels rarrrrrrrrrr to feel so unsatisfied all the time. I don’t want him back because of how it became and how he was (though i still want what we had when it was good :() I feel SAD 🙁

  378.  #380Starla on June 27, 2012 at 8:38 am


  379.  #381Sophie on June 27, 2012 at 8:44 am

    and i feel angry that I am single again and going through it all agin 🙁 and I feel so disappointed 🙁

  380.  #382Goldenflower on June 27, 2012 at 8:45 am

    372: turquoise
    “He said men pull away because they feel the woman wants way more after sex (potential loss of freedom)

    and this was the harder one to swallow…. the reason most men come back, (of course this is just in his opinion as a 35 year old man) is that men tend to have low self esteem, and they leave the relationship for whatever reason thinking they’ll meet someone else, but that they do get lonely and want someone, so they look back at the women they have dated, and figure you liked them once, you probably will again. So they give it another shot. ”

    Aaaargh, i hate these reasons, how come men get away with being so selfish. I have spent the last two years wishing I had a male perspective on things, that I wdnt feel so attached so easily, the wonders of the female brain. I’m not so sure it serves us as well as we would want. As I see it mostly women do see the positives in any connection and try at making the best of things, improving and fixing I guess. I wonder if men are just born with this natural self esteem, self serving approach or if the fact that it is still a mans world, where men have more power economically and physically. Or if its women who are socialised to undermine themselves from birth and be givers. I am all for the third way, all for building up our own self esteem and choosing, being selective on what i want. Not making do and mending. I will not settle for people who do not value me. The sex issue is one I am also struggling with. After sleeping with the last person too early i then stopped for a while and slowed things down. then he dumped me anyway for other reasons entirely. But essentially the problem is while I can have the restraint to say no for as long as I decide to, when I am around a guy I like then the same sex hormones are triggered anyway, so the same feelings of bonding and attachment come about with or without full sex. Screwed if you dont screwed if you do, wee joke there folks!!!
    But after the last person, I decided to avoid sex and make the man wait for it a long time, so that if nothing else, I know he will value the expereince more than if I make it too easy for him. Any feedback welcome sirens.
    Just heard about Colorado, so so sorry to hear this, blessings to all those affected. xx

  381.  #383Starla on June 27, 2012 at 8:47 am

    I feel terrified of what life is bringing to me. I know it will be big and wonderful things, and I feel terrified. I just want CF back and I want my little mundane life to stay the same. I feel like cowering. I want to stay small.

  382.  #384lk on June 27, 2012 at 8:48 am

    oh, it’s so nice to read thoughts of rain & i love our rainy season & i want a good rain that falls soft & steady. gentle on the earth & penetrating deep to fill our aquifers…… deep basins…..

    last night i could see flames across our valley, coming up against the ridge… but the whole thing moved away & it looks far & small today….

    cd & i had one of our special beers & watched a show & we were joking around, taking turns sneaking glances out the window at the smoke… but earlier, when i came home, he was packing up an emergency bag & saying, your man will take care of you.

    his voice roughened up telling me a secret, & i agreed…

    i keep practicing the good feelings & really i’m improving : ) i increase reps & sets… i’m a happiness-builder. i’m a smile-builder ! i’m entirely pleased human. i’m grateful & giving. i’m never guilty or blaming. i forget the whole concept of transgression and of forgiveness. then of authority. then of time. then of “life”. then of & all concepts goodbye just byebye

    he asked me this morning are you happy ? & i said i’m working on it & said, well, like someone says, if this isn’t good, what’s good?

    & i was just thinking…. well… when i really really really really really act from my power, that will be good. & the good way to let myself do that is to stop hating on myself : ) love love love to me & everyone & everything.

    he says he thinks i think too much. aw jeez. i think…… well, i exhibit strong patterns of abnormality & i see them & i intend to not sweat them & go about my normal business & when i start to have the Catastrophe thoughts & the BowDownToGodsofMen thoughts…. i just say byebye! i have to go do what i want now, thank you : ) i have to go practice being ecstatically happy & in love ! : )))

    we didn’t even sleep in the tent last night, just out plain on the porch with blankets. there are things i want that i can’t put my finger on. the grasping. the plain old grasping from the inside rope-like hands coming out through my heart…. mathematically “true” as well…

  383.  #385Sophie on June 27, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Goldenflower i have felt the same – wishing I could have more of a male perspective – like with my ex saying that he’s seeing this new person who he doesn’t have any feelings for. And I feel so angry that he can do that and not have to face his demons or his loss or be alone whereas I do because I have to have feelings for the person who i choose to be in a relationship with – infact dating men that i don;t ahve feelings for makes me feel very anxious and empty. QAlso he was able to sleep around, another thing i couldn’t do because if I sleep with men like that I don’t feel good I feel used 🙁 and left 🙁 and I’m trying to find the positive spin but i don’t know where it is – the positive spin is all about trying not to feel so sad and lost until I really feel positive again which is great but also gets exhausting sometimes. Starla – maybe I feel afraid too I don’t know where I’m going and I feel lost – and also with toxic ex or with men I love their hugs make me feel safe.

  384.  #386turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 8:56 am

    I hear you Goldenflower… it still seems like way tooo much is in their court. And when guys have told me why they want to be in relationships, it’s not for the same reasons as us…. they are tired of being alone and want regular sex. Wow, so wonderful and feeling there! And they want the girl that is the least psycho…. because we are all crazy to them. So unfair.

  385.  #387Sophie on June 27, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Ik – I’m a happiness builder I like that 🙂 I am trying to do that these days with more understanding and conviction than I ever have before 🙂

  386.  #388lk on June 27, 2012 at 8:57 am

    omg i was thinking if i really wrote everything down……….. if i really really really did. & then i know also that i will & so that’s exciting too… “but how ? ” idk,lk. i want a really heavy book & a secret secret way to share.

    : )))))) yayyyy

  387.  #389turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 9:01 am


    Why do you want CF back? What kind of man treats someone they love(d) like this? He is being cruel to you. What would happen if you were together and something bad happened, like an illness or a job loss, or a disabled child?

    I want a strong man who doesn’t walk away. I want a rock. Someone I know is committed to a future together. Not these wishy washy guys who poof and disappear just because they feel like something better may be ou there. I’m done with these men. Just hope I can spot them before it’s too late and I get attached.

  388.  #390Jilly on June 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

    My honey is coming home tonight!! I feel so happy and excited and I slept soooo good!!


    yes this is a big fire season already :/ I feel so relieved I am not a firefighter anymore.


  389.  #391Jilly on June 27, 2012 at 9:20 am


  390.  #392Rori Raye on June 27, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Charlotte – he has your address. Forget him, move on. That’s going to be everyone’s best advice. Working to dislodge your feelings from him by getting out there and living your life is where your work is. Love, Rori

  391.  #393Starla on June 27, 2012 at 9:28 am

    my coworker’s house just burned to the ground:(


  392.  #394turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Thanks Jilly ((((jilly)))) SO happy your man is coming home and that you are so happy.

  393.  #395Rori Raye on June 27, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Jessie – Welcome, and thank you so much for the comment and Byron Katie’s work – and it would violate copyright and ethics for me to print s much of someone else’s work. Would you like to simply provide a link to this great article? Love, Rori

  394.  #396turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Oh Starla’s coworker…. 🙁

  395.  #397Tam on June 27, 2012 at 9:38 am

    391 – Turquise: well said!

  396.  #398Brandylion on June 27, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Starla, #378: I feel exactly the same way.


  397.  #399Iamabutterfly on June 27, 2012 at 9:42 am

    wow, my dad contacted me and asked me if I wanted to do a father/daughter duet with him at a talent show. and I sat here and balled my eyes out. I feel so confused. I feel sad and surprised and angry and scared and curious that he would want to sing with me, since he knows how much singing means to me, but I feel scared to tell him. and I have no idea what song to sing with him that wouldn’t make me overly emotional. helpppppp. I feel shaky…

  398.  #400Tam on June 27, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I just had a little lift…..awwww…an ex bf from almost 20 years ago, saw me jogging earlier and he sent me a little text messsage to say he was looking at a beautiful runner and as he passed with his car realised it was me….aww aww aww.
    And that is a really good guy, he is now married with two kids, lovely wife etc.
    ((((((good guys))))))))

  399.  #401Starla on June 27, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I dunno, Turquoise, I guess that was the best relationship I ever had and I am scared of all the ways I messed it up, and I’m also scared of anything better as I guess I don’t feel like I deserve it or maybe it doesn’t even exist? I’m losing faith.

  400.  #402turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Awww Starla. 🙁 Go to a pet store and pet kitties and puppies. Always makes me feel better.

  401.  #403turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Seriously not sure what C is thinking. This new girl he’s dating, her cat has a fb page, and the “cat” writes to him and he is replying, with her mom commenting each time, saying she loves him even though she hasn’t met him yet.

    I really am happy if he’s happy, but this is over the top. I really need to figure out how to take him out of my news feed. But at least it’s commical. Waiting for our daughter to catch on, she will be doing some major eye rolling! lol.

  402.  #404Starla on June 27, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Turquoise, find him in your news feed, click in the top right of it, if you hover there you’ll see a menu you can pull down, and unsubscribe. this keeps his posts out of your feed without unfriending.

  403.  #405turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Let’s see if I can do it from my phone…. thanks Starla!

  404.  #406Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I feel weird and a little worried for myself. theres a nice guy who is very overcomplimentary toward me and I just feel so incredibly annoyed. I wonder whats wrong with me? why cant I like him? am i destined to a jerk? I hope not. this guy and I are musicians and our first rehearsal he didnt want to play he said that he was nervous because I am such a good player…I felt frustrated because he is also a great player. He said I have even a better ear than him…then he called right now to say how great I am and how much better of a musician I am than him and then he said he would like to hang out. He keeps calling me from different numbers first his cousin’s phone then his dad’s phone because hes running out of minutes which is weird because I keep seeing these unknown numbers (hes 28), and lives with his parents. I just want some confidence and manhood…is this too much to ask? why do I feel guilty that Im not interested? and I feel so annoyed by him at this point…

  405.  #407Starla on June 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

    sunshine, just because they’re nice to us doesn’t mean they’re “good guys” for us. I’m guessing you don’t want a man who lives with his parents and can’t keep his own phone and puts himself down to attempt to win your favor. Don’t be scared to say no to that guy. It doesn’t mean you’ll only get jerks instead. Say no to make room for what you do want.

    At the same time, do receive his compliments. It’s good practice. You deserve it.

  406.  #408Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Thanks Starla! It feels good to hear this…yeah its just weird he also says that he is so so sorry to bother me and says it many times during his call lol..no way not into him. I sometimes just feel worried and some pressure because Im in the child bearing years and well…I start to panic. However everything in God’s plan, and may I continue to learn and ask for what is the best…not a better person, but a better person for me:) I know that I want someone who is kind and sensitive, without sacrificing confidence

  407.  #409Starla on June 27, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Sunshine, may I ask how old you are? I’m 27 and I start to feel that pressure too now.

  408.  #410Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Iamabutterfly, wow well from an outsider i feel nice reading about your dad wanting to sing with you but of course I dont know your history as to your shaky feelings about it. Lately I have been trying to connect more with my dad and practice loving honesty even with not so pleasant conversations…Ive been feeling somewhat suprized by his receptive attitude which feels great. I do it because of course i love my dad but also because I want to clearup any resentment or negative feelings toward him, it will improve my present and future male relationships.
    Anyway food for thought hope you do what feels best wether singing with him or taking some more time.

  409.  #411Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Starla sure, Im 29. Yeah the pressure sometimes feels anxiety inducing. I feel a battle inside that I gotta find someone asap, and another feeling of resistance because I like my independance and I also want to make sure I meet someone that I am compatible with and marriage material. Sigh Im so freaking confused

  410.  #412Starla on June 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Girl, I decided to give myself until 35 to panic. And even then, I would make a great foster mom or adopted mom. I tell myself slow down, don’t worry. I think our worry is actually REPELLING what we desire.

  411.  #413Tam on June 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

    405 – Turquoise, that made me laugh….about the cat and the mother commenting….I mean, really! 😉

  412.  #414Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Starla haha amen ta that…sometimes its outside pressure too like friends, family sigh… regardless im not desperate enough to give mr. Im sorry to bother you a try lol

  413.  #415Linda on June 27, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Turquoises said:

    I want a strong man who doesn’t walk away. I want a rock. Someone I know is committed to a future together. Not these wishy washy guys who poof and disappear just because they feel like something better may be ou there. I’m done with these men.



  414.  #416Starla on June 27, 2012 at 10:55 am

    yeah, my best friend got married and pregnant within the scope of a couple of half a year.

    And I’m meeting couples where the girl is just a total wreck and I wonder why I’m somehow not good enough? It’s almost like I’d have better luck if I just threw caution to the wind and acted like a totally jealous psycho.

  415.  #417Tam on June 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

    418…nah Starla, you don’t want to be like that. I have a friend who just can’t be alone, so she clings to whichever man she has for dear life….it is soooo not where we want to be, imagine the stress…
    Yeah, they strangely stay with her, however, she could never cope on her own – and just knowing that, would drive me crazy.
    I want a man to add to my life not to be the sole purpose of…
    makes no sense to be with someone when I can have a better time by myself…we are too good for that I believe. No drama, no poofing etc.

  416.  #418Calypso on June 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

    After churning through 3 POF CD’s last week, I’m now talking via POF email to 3 more. I have a date with one tomorrow night and all 3 are asking what i am doing this weekend. I actually have to work this weekend, which is rare. Why do they come in 3’s? I’m getting their names confused . . .

  417.  #419siren song on June 27, 2012 at 11:37 am

    ugh. just saw guy who loves me twice in an hour. we are pretending we don’t know each other. it feels so awkward and my chest feels fluttery when i see him. my heart feels like it’s closing down.

    we love each other so much, but he is so angry. it feels overwhelming. he told our mutual friend the other day that he is still in love with me.

    today, right now, all i want to do is hang out with him. i miss his body.

    BUT: he’s dating other women and the past few exchanges we’ve had were terrible, hurtful and i made the choice to block his texts. now i am clinging to stupid emails that he sends with no text.

    i feel so pathetic. maybe i made a huge mistake. i feel panicked.

    i hate this feeling. feeling so hung up on someone who doesn’t want a life with me.

    this feels terrible. when i saw him on sunday he seemed super-unattractive. now i feel all crazy about him again.


  418.  #420Mel on June 27, 2012 at 11:40 am

    420, Calypso

    LOL, that’s funny! After I separated from my ex and stated dating again, ALL of my CDs had names that started with “J.” Two of them even had the same name. And I also noticed the groupings of 3.

  419.  #421siren song on June 27, 2012 at 11:41 am

    also, he walked into a store where i was shopping, saw me and turned around and left immediately.

    that felt awful.

  420.  #422Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Turquoise I am waiting to hear when he starts vomiting. It seems she is gorging him with what might be a good thing but no matter how much we love chocolate having too much can make us sick. I grew up with a saying “too much of one thing is good for nothing”.

  421.  #423Mel on June 27, 2012 at 11:44 am

    I had so much trouble keeping them straight, that I had a “first date” outfit, “second date” outfit, etc. so I would be sure not to wear the same thing twice. It almost got to the point where I needed a spreadsheet to keep track of everyone…

    eye color:
    hair color:
    distinguishing features:

    There should be an ap for that…. 😉

  422.  #424Tam on June 27, 2012 at 11:46 am

    FW – lol, and so right!! Sounds like the honeymoon period…

  423.  #425Calypso on June 27, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Mel – Lol – I know! As soon as i get their phone numbers I copy a pic of them from POF to my computer and email it to my phone to assign as a contact, which helps a lot, but I only have on of their numbers so far and he does not have texting (which blows my mind) and he has not called me yet, so I have not assigned him a pic yet. He is the one I’m meeting for dinner tomorrow night and i had to go back through all of our emails to find his name after I agreed to go on the date.

    One of them has the same name as my x-husband – not a good sign. I cringe every time he signs his name to an email – I need to ask him if he has a nick-name . . . Lol.

    So the guy I’m meeting for dinner tomorrow owns a 70 acre farm and he raises cows and chickens. We’ll call him Farmer CD. I hope I like him!!!

  424.  #426Mel on June 27, 2012 at 11:52 am


    Interesting insight on why guys poof and come back. I can’t say I’m terribly surprised. I kinda figured it was the “grass is greener” mentality, and then the realization that it’s just astroturf…

    I never billed myself as being a golf-course lawn, I think I more resemble a field of unruly, wildflowers… and I prefer guys that appreciate that and don’t want a monoculture.

    Glad those ones “weeded” themselves out… LOL

  425.  #427siren song on June 27, 2012 at 11:53 am

    mel, ha. 🙂

  426.  #428Sunshine on June 27, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Starla, Tam I totally agree but I sometimes worry that Im tooo much the opposite. I have this fear of my independance being “stolen” from me. I fear that all my passions, goals, and even who I am will be flushed down the toilet if I am in a commited relationship…i gotta work on this I dont want to be alone but sometimes I kinda do…I hope to find a balance def not clingy girl but not the isolated loner ive become…

  427.  #429lk on June 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    OMG …. life is SO dramatic.

    ok, so natalie portman was playing in black swan & she & her choreographer/dance partner ended up pregnant together. cute story.

    BUT at the time they met, he was dating my friend’s sister. NOW, my friend just posted that his sister is playing the lead in black swan… dum dum dum….

    gotta say, i’m not sure that a lot of people really really “get” what they’re talking about when they’re talking kids & family & “forever” you know ?

    i’m a naughty human & i respect & enjoy it.

    i love the humans & i hope i never keep anyone from anything that they want.

    please universe, & thank you for everything i want.

    bad naughty lk. shhhhhhh don’t be mean to me, it just makes everything harder.

    i keep trying! woo woo woo ! i keep trying & trying : )

    thank you for showing me peace, even though i still say “no” like a petulant baby for some reason….. & : ) YAYYYYY I KEEP GOING : )

  428.  #430lk on June 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    the poor boy who actually did keep a spreadsheet of his dates got the ishx taken out of him on the interweb by all the ladies offended by his numerical “rating” system LOL : ) but honestly the poor poor man seems conscientious, sweet….. & simply very well-organized…. : )

  429.  #431Tam on June 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Sunshine, the experience I made, never really found men/relationships suffocating…hmmm…so can’t relate, actually I usually choose laid back men more or less. Ha, maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong and why I don’t get commitment…ha!!

    I think being a bit of a free spirit myself, I attract like – maybe you will too?

  430.  #432Rebecca on June 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Ooooh that expression “free spirit” always triggers me… Damn i want commitment and guys never commit to free spirits alla me?!…


  431.  #433Tam on June 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Rebecca, I hear ya, same here….right now. But they used to, so not all hope is lost.
    I definitely need a ‘rock’ who can keep me grounded and has his own mind – so hard to find…and when I think I did he wants ‘friends’. Grrrrr..
    You’re not alone 😉

  432.  #434goldenflower on June 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    405: turquoise says:
    Seriously not sure what C is thinking. This new girl he’s dating, her cat has a fb page, and the “cat” writes to him and he is replying, with her mom commenting each time, saying she loves him even though she hasn’t met him yet.

    I really am happy if he’s happy, but this is over the top. I really need to figure out how to take him out of my news feed. But at least it’s commical. Waiting for our daughter to catch on, she will be doing some major eye rolling! lol.

    Wow, this sounds very like that film Catfish does it not. This sounds like it is unlikely to last, professing love on a fbk page is not real, unless it is between close friends.
    But anyway, it sounds like nc at all is the best way. I am trying to decide when the point is that I will delete my ex from my fbk. He’s very quiet atm, as he’s depressed but there will surely come a time when he perks up, and I dont want to get hopeful he will come back to me, or get hurt that he’s doing well again and still doesnt want me. My plan is to have moved on with my life well and truly by the time this comes up. This plan is going great so far, only very occasional sadness and grief these days. Was all encompassing for the first two weeks. I started smoking again in a big way, and have managed to now stop since the weekend. I have stopped the negative patterns. I want and welcome healing myself. I was dragging myself down to his depression level to try and hang on in there, i now realise. But I am more evolved than this, I deserve to be with a spirit akin to my own, if I were to meet a good match.
    I love my sadness, i love my open beautiful heart, I love this blog. Thankyou.

  433.  #435turquoise on June 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Yes, 10 days in is definitely honeymoon phase…. and C might like it for awhile, but I guess we’ll wait and see if it lasts. It’s so amazing to witness women who spill themselves all over a guys facebook page, because to me… while yes, you are happy and want people to know… it also comes across as trying to SHOW how happy you are, and there is usually a reason for that. BUT, I will say… he really does like feeling adored, so she may be good for him. He’s definitely I need to be respected more than loved guy though, so it will be interesting to see what happens when that comes up. I’m amazed how detached I feel from this. I think that hawaiian mantra I was doing helped me let go. The visualization is a new tool for me.

    What I AM excited to share though…. Conversation (I need a better name for him…. need to think) like I said, going through a divorce, his wife moved out, leaving him with their 10 month old baby 17 hours a day. He works from home, but can’t get much done with a 10 month old. I watched her Monday night, in exchange for a backrub… which he still owes me, hard to do with a baby in your arms. 🙂 But anyways, when they were leaving he said he’d like to hang out more that week if I didn’t have plans. So, I invited them over for dinner last night. He asked me for cooking lessons, so thought he’d appreciate a home cooked meal, and could get an idea of my style. They were guests, I wasn’t expecting anything in return. He asked if he could hire my oldest to keep the baby entertained a few hours a day, a few days a week, which would actually help me out a lot, because he could pick them up from their bus after camp, and I don’t have to leave work to go do it. So… (I know, long story, but want it to make sense) So, he texted to thank me again for dinner, how great it was…. etc. I asked how his day was and he said frustrating, but ok. Really doesn’t know what to do because his ex expects him to watch the baby, and he can’t get any work done. Not fair, etc. So, I shared some info about how my child care arrangement went and that it had to be court ordered, etc. And then I said that CV (my daughter) could babysit if he wanted. She’s saving for an ipad- so thrilled to be getting paid and loves babies, wants to do more babysitting.

    So about a half hour later I get this text:

    I feel like I’m taking too much and not giving… I’m uncomfortable because I don’t want to feel like that.

    Isn’t that an awesome feeling message? That he expressed it like that? I replied that he could cut my grass, I hate to do it.. and it’s getting long.

    Then he said, Do you understand where I am coming from? Which I replied that yes I did, hard for me to ask for help… I pretty much do it all myself. He replied that he can’t live the way he is, going to have to take her to court… etc.

    But, what I’m really thrilled about is that it was so clearly stated, he doesn’t want to take more than he gives… and we aren’t even really dating. We went on one crazy first date, and I basically said we should be friends because his life is upside down right now.

    But what proof, or validation that what Rori says is true… they don’t feel comfortable accepting help. They WANT to give. THey feel uncomfortable receiving.

    I feel all excited, like I’m really going to have the opportunity to study male behavior, without being too close or taking things personally… going to be interesting!

  434.  #436goldenflower on June 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I hear you Goldenflower… it still seems like way tooo much is in their court. And when guys have told me why they want to be in relationships, it’s not for the same reasons as us…. they are tired of being alone and want regular sex. Wow, so wonderful and feeling there! And they want the girl that is the least psycho…. because we are all crazy to them. So unfair.

    388: turquoise and Sophie, and all other sirens. Thankyou for your response. I have felt that there are certainly these traits which are very selfish in men. Perhaps if en masse women didnt give so easily, then men would indeed have to step up and work to please us, on a bigger percentage scale than now.
    But I do also have faith that there are good guys out there who want to share their lives with one person. Christian Carter talks a lot about this, and I really hope that this is the case. The emotional connection is there with some men.
    My honest feeling about all this is that men these days are far too used to being the target, the prize that women chase after. Rori is so correct to point out that we are the target. Naturally men should be fighting for our attention and time. But this modern age is more suited to them, as people live together, have kids, split up, move onto new partners so easily. dating is much easier, womens attitudes to sex is much easier (in some ways). Now there seems more pressure for us to have sex early rather than wait. Like “whats the big deal” and we are being pressured to be more like men. Then there is the sexualisation of all women around us, in media etc, pornography which is more available and can objectify women worse than ever before. hmm, am i talking myself into ot out of there being men who are still gentlemen. What was i Rori said about sex only being for ones own pleasure, not to get or move the relationship on, or as with-holding thing.
    Just putting it out there, happy to hear any thoughts on all this. xx

  435.  #437Tam on June 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Turquoise, I have proof of that too. When Mr U had money problems he disappeared…he is very old-fashioned ‘a man has to offer something’. He’d keep in contact but no dates…
    When he got out of the funk, he came back and was spend the money on taking me on
    super outings…and he seemed very happy that he could do that.
    It was when he opened up and was at his best cause he felt like a man and I was appreciative.
    Men do want to give, i only learnt this in 2012, through Rori – and he is living proof.
    When his business was having probs and with the money probs he said: you better date someone else, I am in no state and you deserve an attractive good man – there are plenty of them.

  436.  #438Tam on June 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Goldenflower, I agree with what you are saying, and I do believe things have changed – not necessarily for the better.

  437.  #439Starla on June 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I honestly feel freaked out reading this discussion about men right now. I don’t want to believe that. That means it’s slim chances I’ll find a good guy. And I have yet to meet a man who wasn’t willing to do things the Rori way with me. Unfortunately, I took it too far with my last one and he did poof, but he may have poofed on his own anyway.

  438.  #440Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    That is great learning while unattached Turq.

    Siren song I feel bad for both of you. Is it possible to go first and stop pretending when you see him? Use the opportunity to practice going into your body for your feelings and showing them in your face and bdoy language. Show the sadness and put your hand over your heart as practice of loving yourself in his presence. I believe both of you are hurting. He doesn’t know how to make things right and you are focussed on his dating. He might be wrong, he might be angry but in punishing him you are punishing yourself.

  439.  #441Tam on June 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I don’t think there’s slim chances Starla, and I feel also we expect too much sometimes. There are plenty of good men, but perhaps no ‘perfect’ men, which is ok because we are not perfect either…well, we are really 😉
    I have some very good friends and ex bf’s that are lovely, mostly married now, but at 27 years there were even more, most of them unmarried!!
    Don’t worry!!!

  440.  #442Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Starla I feel confused sbout what in the discussion is freaky.

  441.  #443lk on June 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    i have this really “broken” problem & i feel afraid to write it. why lk ? because i don’t want women to think i’m bad & i don’t want women to think my man is bad.

    oh…. are you both bad ? i don’t know. i think i’m a little bad…… i can’t tell if he’s a little bad.

    part of me says, “yes, all problems come half-and-half from all the people involved” then the other part of me says, that’s not true. that mentality leads to victim-blaming. alright, fine. well i have a million things to say about that.

    this is the good meaty bit at the heart of all of life, lk. you know that?

    always, always, you get a “situation”…. you are the one who “paints” the “scene” because whose eyes ? whose mind ? whose pain ? whose anxiety? whose joy ? you only know your own. you get “vibes” about the other people, but sometimes it’s just “you” reflected right back! ok ok

    so yes, that’s just it. it’s fully “mine” to choose.

    i get to choose if he’s good or bad : ) LOL & that’s pretty true

    well, ok, let me do it the brainy way: there’s basically no way he’s bad. i don’t know why you feel scared that he is bad. a million times he shows he isn’t & zero times he shows he is. seriously. can you think of one ? oh, i can actually : ) that’s a “mistake” lk….. not a Bad-ness. is that all ? ? ? ?????? it’s just that one thing…

    i feel afraid, because i assume he is a hot-blooded male with a high sex drive. HE IS. THAT IS WHY I LOVE HIM. lol…. jeez, lk.

    but i know that he actively chooses Relationship, fidelity, & Me. for a lot of reasons ! because i’m wonderful : ) because we want children. because we want safe family home zone with strong values & healthy food & respectful, loving humans.

    so when you see him socializing with a woman…. & YOU can see YES you can see that ! it’s plain as the nose on her face to me that she is terribly unhappy in her relationship & desperately trying to alert her silly husband to her level of distress…. how ? hit on my man !

    BUT LK. he is not “yours”. jeeeeeeeeeez. this is why you’re “wrong” stop being mean to me… ok ok sorry. ummmmm yeah, leave him alone ! he doesn’t know or care if she’s hitting on him because it’s the first couple our age we’ve been out with, feels fun, movies we like & beer we like & games we like & hamburgers we like. humans we don’t know & new stories & new jokes & regional differences to learn about. he doesn’t care. he assumes he’s in happy committed home because we are a happy committed home. he doesn’t look at her as an option because i fill his entire romantic eye. i am his heartstone. i am his fairy. he traveled 29 years to find me. maybe he notices she has nice knees. she does have the nicest knees! & the way her breasts are heavy under her shirt…. & her legs are long like a deer & that’s nice to see : ) but i have a bum & thighs like fat summer squash & my hair is always wild & thorny & i don’t put the paint on my face so i keep honest eyes open for my baby so when i say i love you he knows it’s me & when he says i’m beautiful, i know it’s me.

    & here’s the other thing. he did tell me multiple times she had no “threat” – no “position” in our relationship – but after me saying how i felt, he cut her out & we don’t socialize majorly with them At All. no couple dinners. those were fun…. to be around other people & eat in a communal way… but i don’t like to watch a couple argue & i don’t like to see a woman compare her partner to mine & decide she likes mine better. baloney. duh i have the best one…lol

    so all you have to worry about in that situation is YOU. all i ever have to worry about is ME. how i’m doing. am i strong enough to keep loving with discipline ? a hungry soldier is a weak soldier. keep on keeping on ! March! goodness, but your heart is getting bigger….. : )

    so the girl comes up & smiles & flirts – what do i do ???

    ahhhhhh lk why in the shameful petty world do i have to keep building & re-building these scripts for you ?

    & ALSO do not blame the silly woman ! maybe she thinks to herself, “this guy is so obviously amazing & so obviously respectful & wonderful to his partner, i wish they would hang around more & if i compliment & show such interest in such a Good Man, perhaps it will inspire my own Man to Step Up” & in that way, i solute & forgive her & i pray to the holy hills that all my jealousy melts away like it never existed, & all that remains is pure flowing love : )

    ok. so. the girl. a siren. a beautiful, emotional, deep woman………….. she smiles & flirts…. why is it for the man? is it not also for me ? it cannot be “for” my man, because only I am “for” my man, so all the other things are “for” our loving society. the flirting is for everyone. we all get juicy…. lovely : ) so it’s so fun to see my man get flirted with & be so social & meet new people.

    oh, i have a little more anxiety i just uncovered about, “well how come he kept inviting them to do things”

    that makes me mad. firstly because i don’t want to be so suspicious…. i just feel so so so scared of feeling humiliated later.

    BECAUSE, lk ! he didn’t think it was an issue & he really enjoys company & we don’t know a single other couple our age in our neighborhood. that’s why !!!! jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzz he even told you that !

    ok ok ok ok ok. so then again & forever it’s my fault. no… it’s not that it’s “your fault” – it’s just not a problem if it weren’t for you. it is only a problem FOR YOU. it’s only “your” problem in that way. ok, thanks. that’s a gentle way to view it.

    wait really ? is it really not a problem ?

    hoodehoooooo peace

    i can almost give myself permission to fully pour into that “no-worry” space…. but then i’m like, “well who’s watching out ? who’s on alert ?” i want all the women to say, “no you should trust him” or “ohhh that run that tramp out of town” lol……. it’s all so silly & meaningless…..

    i suspect that a huge reason that i can’t “get over” this is that the alternative to saying “cd is a jerk who doesn’t care about me getting disrespected” is having to say & believe: “i’m an immature, insecure whiny girl who chose jealousy over making a new friend. i chose jealousy over allowing my man to be himself without judging him. i chose jealousy over enjoying a harmonious & trusting bond with my partner.” that makes me feel sad, but the idea of letting go of blaming cd or the girl & simply giving myself permission to believe that is so amazingly freeing. like one million times better than i feel when i feel sad & anxious about it….

    (((lk))) i feel ashamed to post this as i feel like a broken record, but i hug my little feelings & get curious about myself because i aim for a land of no-stress, easy, slow, just love

  442.  #444Starla on June 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    thanks tam, i feel terrified.

  443.  #445Starla on June 27, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    fw, i said i feel freaked out, not that anything is freaky? those are two different things.

  444.  #446Brandylion on June 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    lk, I feel so peaceful and hopeful reading about your wonderful relationship.

    I need to learn patience and how not to get so down when a good man doesn’t just show up because I want him to. I have to remember that I wasn’t looking for anything with a man when PriestCD showed up last summer, and he wasn’t a bad man at all; he just wasn’t a good man *for me*.

  445.  #447goldenflower on June 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    441: Starla says:
    I honestly feel freaked out reading this discussion about men right now. I don’t want to believe that. That means it’s slim chances I’ll find a good guy. And I have yet to meet a man who wasn’t willing to do things the Rori way with me. Unfortunately, I took it too far with my last one and he did poof, but he may have poofed on his own anyway.

    As Tam said, Starla don’t worry at all. I do beleive it is very possible to meet good guys. I dont mean at all to be patronising when i say that you have a lot of years ahead of you to get this stuff all working smoothly and naturally for you. For myself, and perhaps sirens in their mid to late thirties and older, but i only speak for me. For me, I have been through two major long relationships back to back, which were for the most part happy and rewarding in different ways. Then came the sudden aloneness and realisation that the dating landcape had changed greatly since I was last single. A lot of trial and error and also the issues we discussed on men earlier. I honestly dont mean to be negative about men in general, but there are definately some traits which we have all experienced which are not healthy for us as women. It must be in the discernment of the type of guys who show up for us. Theres a lot to be said for going to new places and expanding our pool of people. I realised I needed to stop just going out to clubs, as I kept meeting young immature men in their late twenties who weren’t mature enough for me. A lot of the thirties men dont seem to club it as much, so its a case of finding them online or through hobbies etc. Hope this helps, i always woudl aim for an older man than me, just because of the maturity thing, but thats a matter of opninion i guess.

  446.  #448siren song on June 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm


    i don’t mean to punish him. i don’t know how else to act…i’m trying to just lean back, which is what caused our problems to begin with.

    writing here does help me to let him go. it’s been a month since we’ve spoken in person. the last time we spoke on the phone he screamed and then left a drunken voicemail about how i ‘never call him’.

    i feel really good about not being yelled at anymore. i just miss the man inside of this angry guy. he was the love of my life (so far 🙂 ).

  447.  #449siren song on June 27, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    also, i will try to embrace my feelings the next time i see him. i almost feel traumatized when i see him now. i go numb.

  448.  #450Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Can you explain to me how feeling “freaked out” feels? Maybe I am stuffing down those feelings.

  449.  #451Starla on June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    freaked out is a synonym for intensely afraid/anxious.

  450.  #452Tam on June 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I miss MrU, and am almost tempted to contact him under the guise of it being ‘my turn’, which it is. More than 3 weeks since his last email.
    But I am still too invested emotionally to not expect anything. Urgh. 🙁

  451.  #453lk on June 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    thanks, brandylion : ) i love my partner, but i’m still expanding into my Feminine Power : )) & that’s all in with the Male Power….. all 1, like nothing : ) that juicy no-hxte, all-love place : ))))) YUM yes, that’s what i’m doing !!!!! : )) lol

  452.  #454Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm


  453.  #455Tam on June 27, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    I feel a shift in my life and it is uncomfortable but necessary.
    I heard from 3 male friends today, totally unrelated, one the jogging comment, one to say he loves my fb status updates, and the third sent me a job advert and video. One of them I had not heard from in 6 years, the other one about two years.
    Why today? It feels like they put a blanket around me to shelter me, it’s so lovely and so rare. 🙂

  454.  #456sophie on June 27, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Goldenflower and Starla (441) This feels funny cos the conversation is still continuing – earlier I was at work and since then i’ve been to therapy and then on a date and now i’m in bed ((((((time zones)))))) are you all still at work? it always confuses me. I seriously belive there are good men out there too that does not frighten me – i feel frightened about my own tendency to choose men that are mean and feel frightened that I cannot trust my choices – I actually feel a little bit grateful for this last revelation as it may help me to be a bit more cautious with the next man I like. I also identify with what Goldenflower says about the younger men – I’ve just turned 34 but kept dating younger men I met in clubs and it has always been heartbreaking as they haven’t had the same outlook as me, been as mature as me, wanted the same things as me, been able to meet my needs or even care about meeting my needs and also when we’ve broken up I’ve felt very ‘old’ whilst these younger men of mine still have this ability to go out drinking with their packs of friends including female ones waiting in the wings 🙁 it has not been good for me at all and I need to change my blueprint to be attracted to older men.

  455.  #457sophie on June 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    ah ((((Tam))) that’s nice

  456.  #458Jessie1000 on June 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    How long did u see MR. U?
    A long time? Or short?

    Maybe if he left this early then he knows u expect to be treated good and get a commitment?

    Some guys have been burned and just cant do it.

    Why not find a new one that really wants to settle and loves women and really wants to marry?

    Those guys make a girl feel soo good not run like rabbits lol

  457.  #459Starla on June 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    please do not stop the conversation on my account:) i just feel freaked out by it. I find myself naturally turning away from negative thinking, probably as a defense mechanism since I am genuinely suffering depression that is not associated with any triggers in particular. I am going to talk to my therapist tonight about this. I fear I might need some medication?

  458.  #460Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Siren song I have a CCarter interView that he did with Rori. In it she says he husband left before they were married. She then realized how she was pushing him away and “invited him” on board. I wish she had expanded on that but she didn’t. There is one on again off again guy that makes my heart pound. I just leaned forward with him and admitted I dont call because it feels like chasing him by phone and I feel embaraassed. He doesn’t call most of the times but I believe this is a general pattern in his life. He was very understanding of my feelings and AGAIN promised to call for a date. He tends to always call back when he missed my calls in the past and always was responsive to my feelings. I have made peace with the fact that he might not be ready so I expressed how shaky I feel with my heart pounding when I just think about calling him. I feel very uncertain about how to interact with him because he is very masculine but at times comes across as feminine. He tried to comfort me and told me that sometimes the chaser wants to feel like the chasee. I did not argue with him neither do I want to be the chaser but I kinda put my foot in the water a little on and off with him to see what I can inspire and also to become clear for myself about me. This is one of those that makes a woman feels dizzy and confused. But I never really expressed my feelings with him before so that i my agenda with him. Don’t know if it will help any or make any sense to you but I am thinking we are both kinda punishing ourselves around these guys. But sorry if I am just projecting

  459.  #461Jessie1000 on June 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    starla …which conversation freaked you out?
    Are you OK?

  460.  #462Starla on June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    i’m okay, jessie. it’s just a conversation and can’t hurt me, right? it’s the talk of men changing these days and basically not stepping up.

  461.  #463Starla on June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    jessie, thank you for asking, too:) you’re a sweet lady:)

  462.  #464LiliBee on June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm


    (((Oh Starla))),

    I don’t feel good hearing about that medication.
    I have taken it for 5 years.
    It was harsh on my body.
    I gained 20 lbs, I would sweat alot more, my body felt lazy where I had a hard time doing cardiovascular exercise.
    I read that Omega 3 with vitamin D really helps depression as well as all the B vitamins.

    I hope you find the right solution for you.

  463.  #465lk on June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    no, starla. men step up, etc. & everything perfect that you want is already happening at exactly the pace you desire……………… me too…….. & all the fear & all the sad. it’s so so heavy & i don’t know if everyone does it, but it’s not necessary, so you don’t have to carry it if you decide not to : )

  464.  #466Tam on June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    460 Jessie, 2 years on and off, not helped by the fact that I was only there on and off too. I do feel that if I was more settled it would have been easier to see where it goes with MrU, but as I lean back all goes well and when I have to leave (as I have no permanent right to stay in the US anymore, lost visa and job), he kind of drops me…when I get back, he always appproaches me and we do a lot of stuff together as friends that are more than friends (no sex now though)…pffff..yeah, I need to move on.
    Hard to do when I know he’ll be back…and he always comes back stronger…well, maybe he finds someone now….he hasn’t been dating anyone else in last 2 years, just me.

  465.  #467Jessie1000 on June 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    omg ive met so many men on pof that im dizzy….wow

    I feel great about men and I feel like there are too many to pick….
    Do i want a tall one, a short one, a big hunky horny one lol!

    I love it and they are all so yummy

    I could have had sex like 5 times yesterday and I wanted them allllll

    I love to date and I find men approach me everywhere


    How does it seem like they dont step up?

    Maybe its about being happy and the same person who cant commit to me is looking like crazy for her?

    Be happy!

    No one needs a boyfriend.

    Thats my motto

    I dont need any guy.

    I need me.

    I need to have fun with me to laugh with my buddies and to look at every person as someone to love while i see them and have them….and after they are gone….on to the next….keep a rotation of adorers…it feels so good!!

    If you say…im looking to get married….men want the opposite.

    I tell them I want to be single….why should I want to be ur girlfriend…omg they try even harder!!

    I plan to have alot of sex this month while my kids are off to their daddys….TO shag, to eat out, to tan, to swim, to live every moment like its my last with every yummy guy who wants to spoil me rotton!!!

    Guys are wonderful!

    Guys step up because they know if they walk away from you for a minute then you will keep busy loving yourself in their absence!!!

    Love yourself girls!!
    LOve the men who get up the courage to hug u, sleep with you, and maybe decide to walk with you for a bit!!!

    Guys come, guys go, but i love me!!!

    Kisses everyone!!!

  466.  #468LiliBee on June 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    I’m feeling down and depressed myself 🙁

    I couldn’t bring myself to talk to D about my feelings when I last saw him Monday evening, after all the triggers I got over the weekend.

    Now I’m feeling sad that he hasn’t called me all day, and he’s not looking to see me 🙁

    I’m crossing my fingers it doesn’t rain tonight, coz there’s zumba outside in the park.
    I always feel so good when I go to zumba.

    So, off I go to get ready and leave for zumba.

  467.  #469Dominique on June 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Starla – Have you tried St. John’s Wort? Takes a couple of weeks to have an effect. Or Motherwort? Much more subtle with noticeable effects almost right away.


  468.  #470Starla on June 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    i feel like i pushed “my” man away, the one for me, and now that I’ve healed enough, he’s not healing, he’s probably blaming me for his missteps, and i feel so sad.

  469.  #471Starla on June 27, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    but 472 is a sign i have even more healing to do.

    i feel loss. i feel like how i felt when i learned my two friends died last year. actually, to be honest, i feel worse.

  470.  #472Starla on June 27, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    471 dominique, i have not. i will ask the shrinkydink about it tonight. thanks!

  471.  #473Starla on June 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    woops, i looked at cf’s sister’s fb. and my face feels hot and flushed

  472.  #474Esteemed on June 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Daria and Tam,

    360 – aww Esteemed… that feels touching that you care about the kittens and sad that ppl are telling u its not worth it

    soudn lovely that R was helping u with it

    Wednesday, 27 June 2012 @ 4:14am

    361: Tam says:

    Esteemed, that is ‘wow’. A sad situation and your knight in shining armour comes through….nevermind about past and future…that is a touching story.

    Reading your comments brings tears to my eyes. I feel moved. Yes, R is turning into a knight in shining armor. He texted this evening to see how the babies are doing. He is so precious!!!!!!!!!!!!

  473.  #475Esteemed on June 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Daria and Tam,

    That is exactly how I feel about it, what you expressed.

    I know my friends mean well. The ones who said I can’t afford it are the ones who know I’m driving around with my car uninspected because I haven’t been able to afford brakes. I just put out $465 last weekend for four tires, an alignment and oil change. That was the first step. Next step brakes and inspection.

    But I just can’t put a dollar sign on life.

    And I have a good report, too! The kitties seem more alert, more active, and have a better appetite tonight! I am hoping it was just worms and that they are not infected with parvo. I disinfected everything at home as best I could.

  474.  #476Femininewoman on June 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    (((((((Lilibee))))))))) I hope you get to enjoy Zumba

  475.  #477Starla on June 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I didn’t have time to ask about st john’s wort but my therapist did say to just make room for the feelings i’m having. that i am judging myself for feeling these things and it’s hurting me more than it’s helping.

  476.  #478LiliBee on June 27, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Zumba got cancelled. 2 weeks of no zumba 🙁

    Coz of the 60% chance of rain forecast.

    It only started to rain lightly when the zumba class would end.

    I ran into D in the parking lot. He was bringing his son to the skateboard park.
    I stayed and encouraged and his son to try different tricks.
    He was happy I was cheering him on.

    D gave me a big hug and invited me to his place.
    I said it was too late for me, but I would take a raincheck.

    I don’t want to sweep our weekend under the rug.
    That will just discredit my real feelings, as if I feel wrong to feel them.
    But I don’t feel wrong for feeling my feelings and I want them know.
    He has no idea why I felt like I did.

  477.  #479Starla on June 27, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    okay so by facestalking cf’s sister i did learn that he is talking to one of her friends who lives in another state, and she’s coming to visit him soon, and his sister is of course over the moon excited for this.

    i cried my eyes out at my therapist’s office. i could go into how he is avoiding his issues by getting into a long distance relationship and moving on so quickly, etc., but i don’t feel like it.

    i am just going to keep grieving and one of these days i’ll have moved on.

    and i feel very brave for trying to handle my issues without burying them in the attention and comfort of some man.

    and i’m going to be okay <3

  478.  #480Emoticon on June 27, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    Starla maybe he’s not avoiding hid feelings. I have done that before but it didnt help me avoid my feelings cuz they are still there long after the long distance arrangement has been over and now I am yet again reunited with them and the man who brings them out in me.

  479.  #481Emoticon on June 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Sirens I would like to share a little story…. follow up from last week’s CD who stipped texting me back because I said I wasnt coming for the weekend.

    I hadnt heard from him in almost a week when I logged into my skype account and got a message from him last night saying “I miss you” so I said “I miss you too” …… THEN a few minutes later i realized that that was an old message and that it was popping up now because I had not been on my skype in days. It was a message from the night before i told him I was no longer coming.

    So far no response to that.
    I’m not going to push it, video call or anything but it really feels weird that we are not talking.

    It doesnt hurt as much as i would have thought. I wouldnt say it hurts at all, i feel bothered but not hurt. And i only feel bothered when i think about it, which is not very often.


  480.  #482Starla on June 27, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    i mean his issues… avoiding his relationship issues and his inability to do a real relationship by getting into a very long distance thing. sorry to be confusing!

    emoticon, you mean your feelings for the long distance guy and you’re now reunited with him? or you had feelings for guy 1, got into long distance with guy 2, and now you’re reunited with guy 1?

  481.  #483Emoticon on June 27, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    I’m reunited with guy one… lol sorry i didnt specify.

  482.  #484Starla on June 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    that’s okay:)


    i don’t even want to think about reuniting.