About Men And Women’s Brains

Untitled design (14)

bad boyHere’s Mat Boggs talking about “compartmentalization.”

It’s old, 2011 – and yet, as “mental” as this seems, Mat’s a great guy – and if HE works this way, then it’s valuable info.

Most importantly – listen to the part of how a woman’s brain is “connected.” This is the whole principle behind “Business Siren.”

We women are all connected, don’t EVER need to be “compartmentalized” – and it’s just the culture that “seems” to honor “masculine compartmentalization” that’s go us convinced we have to operate that way.

We don’t…

Love, Rori

Posted in

368 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 18, 2016 at 8:06 am

    Gladly we can make up our minds for ourselves whether we want to compartmentalize or not.



  2.  #2Azure Blu on January 18, 2016 at 8:30 am

    Ohhh my!!!
    So interesting! This is very helpful to understand MY brain and a Man’s brain!
    I really enjoyed the video…
    I’ve listened to many of Mat Boggs and always got a lot of insights!!
    I’d forgotten about him…



  3.  #3Liquid Light on January 18, 2016 at 9:38 am

    Love this!



  4.  #4Millie on January 18, 2016 at 10:10 am

    Funny video!! I love how he put a sense of humor on it! This makes me think that the best way to approach a relationship is to be friends first.

    I’ve had difficulty in holding back when it comes to sex too soon. In the past when I have expressed thst boundary I felt like I was being dishonest because I wanted to do it. Saying no to me and saying no to him can feel like strategizing. Maybe what I need to do is really feel like what I want long term is more important than what I want in the present moment? But then, am I not living in the moment?

    I have been feeling a bit conflicted about M and this deliciously tempting sexual exploration he is offering. Since he doesn’t live here, it would be fleeting and temporary. I think what it is for me… Is that I really appreciate that side of him, he inspires me sexually, and I want to let go and live that part of me, (Femininewoman I did do some reading on the shadow and I agree, this is my dark side that I don’t really allow myself to live because I can’t compartmentalize it.) I want to feel loved and desired emotionally and physically, to feel safe and able to “let go” with a man. Sexual exploration is something I crave and desire within a relationship and I don’t want to have to choose either or… Can I have it all? Commitment, unbridled passion, tenderness, sweetness, loyalty, and curiosity? I would be happy to do what M is interested in and proposing, if i felt like he truly cared about me beyond that and wanted to BE with me. So maybe my confliction is about wanting this part of myself, and wanting to delve into it, but also not wanting to “settle” for having just a percentage of what I really want. I want all of it.



  5.  #5Indigo on January 18, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am super happy.

    There is so much that is good going on in my life that I don’t know where to start.

    Love to all <3



  6.  #6Azure Blu on January 18, 2016 at 11:29 am

    Indigo #5
    Ohhh… I feel VERY happy to hear how SUPER happy you are!!
    Can’t wait to hear specifics!!
    oxoxo



  7.  #7IamHis on January 18, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    I feel so frustrated. I have no problem saying “no.” It’s only been difficult with one or two guys, but I can still always say it.

    The commitment I want before sleeping with a man is marriage. Love being told by a man that this is okay. Of course it’s okay!



  8.  #8IamHis on January 18, 2016 at 2:10 pm

    The part about emotional and sexual connection with women is so true. When I feel a strong emotional connection with a man, I’ll usually end up feeling a strong sexual connection with him as well.

    The problem is things getting sexual too soon, and my issues with not quite knowing how to communicate about it.

    I guess it’s a good sign, though. It means I’m much more emotionally open than I used to be.



  9.  #9IamHis on January 18, 2016 at 2:13 pm

    So the woman feels the emotional connection after a while, but the man has been feeling the sexual connection the whole time?

    I’ve been reading though, and a lot of it says that when a man is really falling for a woman, he can sort of “tame down” his sexual drive, and honestly just enjoys spending time with her.

    I feel curious about this…



  10.  #10Emerson on January 18, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    Hi sirens
    So helpful and interesting reading all your comments !!!

    Iamhis
    I can’t separate emotion and sex.
    I know women who claim they can.
    I don’t know if I buy it.
    And even if it was true,it doesn’t seem healthy.

    I don’t ever want to lose that connection between the two.

    Sirens
    I’ve been asking myself this weekend, what does it look like if I open my heart! It feels exciting and scary when I really think about it.



  11.  #11April Rose on January 19, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Millie,

    It sounds like you have a great self-knowledge and are clear about what you want.

    What Matt Boggs is saying here… is that a commitment-ready man would start strategising how to give you what you want…

    So, if you laid it out like you have in your post…

    ” I want to feel loved and desired emotionally and physically, to feel safe and able to “let go” with a man. I want something profound… a relationship that deepens with our intimacy and pleasure..”

    Hold that up as your ‘contract’, and I am positive that a ton of able, hearty, warm and wonderful men will be angling to catch that big fish (you).



  12.  #12Zia on January 19, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Millie #4 – Yes, yes you can have it all 🙂



  13.  #13Millie on January 19, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    Thank you April Rose and Zia!!:)

    So M has been opening up a lot about his sexual desires. I’m realizing he is a lot more kinky than I knew previously. He seems to want polyamory.

    LoverGirl– of you are reading, perhaps you can shed light on this… I get the impression you are very open minded sexually and your S was also interested in swingers and not being monogamous. I feel curious about it, but my first reaction is to feel rejected by the it. Which I know is MY stuff not necessarily true. Tonight he went to a fetus he club and seemed to want me to come but he was going with a friend. That made me feel rejected and as much as I was curious and wanted to go, I didn’t want to go alone and not with him even though he said he would be there. This is really new for me and I feel curious about this aspect of him and if men/people in general.



  14.  #14Millie on January 19, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    *fetish not fetus



  15.  #15Indigo on January 19, 2016 at 11:24 pm

    Millie,

    I really hope all of this is making you realise that M’s disappearing on you was not a cause for heartbreak or a sign of rejection, or probably even anything to do with you.

    He is clearly not ready for a settled relationship, and his behaviour is absolutely textbook when a man like this disappears anywhere around the 6 weeks – 3 months mark and then still wants to play the field and experiment. Whether you want to partake in all of this is up to you, but please don’t kid yourself that it has anything to do with him “rejecting” you or being “with” you or building or growing anything with him, or not. Sorry to put it bluntly, but he’s young and horny… I hope you don’t make it mean any more than that.



  16.  #16Indigo on January 19, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Dixie & Azure Blu,

    Thank you for asking about me. M has been absolutely wonderful. He’s incredibly affectionate and easygoing, and I feel very safe and calm with him. We haven’t slept together yet, and I feel great about holding off on that. All in good time.

    He’s very, I don’t know, solid and masculine, and he makes me feel great. I’m going to his home city this Friday and will meet his mom. So I’ll report more!



  17.  #17Victoria on January 20, 2016 at 12:19 am

    Millie,
    With regards to men, I read somewhere that the number one male s*xual fantasy is to have s*x with multiple partners. I guess this is why you can find so much porn with orgies, or may be it is vice-versa – so many men who have watched porn are conditioned to think that this is great s*x.
    From my own experience, when a man is in love, he is very careful to go into kinkland, because he knows what is outside of the norm, and he is very afraid to risk the relationship. When he is not in love, however, he would really push the envelope and test your boundaries, without any fear of the possible rejection, in fact, it would be his passive-agressive way to get you off his back. I think for women it works just the other way around – when a woman is in love she would be willing to go out of her comfort zone for a man, and not otherwise. This is just my theory, but it quite well explains things that I have seen in my life and in the life of friends.



  18.  #18Indigo on January 20, 2016 at 1:11 am

    Victoria,

    I agree with you.

    To be honest, recently I indirectly “test” men by seeing whether they care about what my reaction would be to issues like these. For me, if I am looking for a monogamous, long-term relationship that is leading somewhere committed, it is a bad sign if he talks openly about his willingness to experiment, or if he attaches too little significance to sex. For me this shows me that he is more about getting his own needs/desires met than building something with me.

    You never want to hinder a man going through this process… if he still wants to play around this is vital information to take on board, and if what you want is a man who is falling ever deeper with you then you are probably not a match. But yes, in my experience a man who is in love with a woman is eager to not give her anything to worry about.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 9:56 am

    Indigo #16
    Ahhh… this all sounds so very nice!! :-))

    Meeting the Mom – sounds like he is surely moving your relationship forward…
    and you can observe her personality and their interaction!!
    All great information!
    Enjoy!!
    oxoxo



  20.  #20Millie on January 20, 2016 at 9:57 am

    Victoria– I would not describe myself as “on his back” at all. But I hear what you are saying. However I wonder if a man in love with a woman who also has kinky tendencies would feel invigorated exploring that with her. How their intimacy could heighten. Not at women need men to tip toe around kinkiness and I don’t think a woman’s desire and openness for that would make her “not marriage material.” Boundaries could be created and defined.

    And I know he’s not in love with me…



  21.  #21Victoria on January 20, 2016 at 10:22 am

    Millie,
    Probably a man who is in love will be invigorated if the woman is adventurous as he is. He would also be invigorated even if he is not in love but is sleeping with a woman who is willing to explore with him as far as she is fine that they do not have a relationship and he feel free to sleep with as many other women as he wants and also to be looking for a woman to fall in love with. Would you be invigorated to be part of the latter scenario?



  22.  #22Victoria on January 20, 2016 at 10:28 am

    Also,
    On being marriage material. Men are sexual hypocrites (quoting EMK here). If they are suggesting sex to a woman on fwb terms, clearly they have crossed her out of the marriage material list. Not because of her kinkiness or lack thereof, butjust because.



  23.  #23Millie on January 20, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Victoria– no not at all! I just hope that my forever man doesn’t feel the need to hide his kinkiness from me, I would feel more impressed if he was open about it and trusted me not to judge him, rather than hide it. However, I do want a committed monogamous relationship– that has the potential for sexual exploration within it. I would be open to doing a three some or something like that with my significant other if our relationship was rock solid and I felt no need to be jealous.



  24.  #24Indigo on January 20, 2016 at 10:54 am

    Millie,

    I will just say that my ex-husband was a man who adored me, in a totally monogamous, wouldn’t-want-to-share kind of way, who was rock solid and totally masculine as a husband, and was also very sexually adventurous. I wasn’t nearly so much, and he respected this because he loved me, but his appetite for kink way outstripped mine. I tend to get turned on by deep, silent, emotional connection and friendship with a man.

    Just saying there is no one size fits all when it comes to men or women. Everyone is different. Literally anything you can think of you will eventually find a partner who will fit into that with you. So just decide what you want and go for it.



  25.  #25Indigo on January 20, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Azure Blu,

    M is totally lovely. I can tell he is just introducing me to his family because that is what feels natural to him. And he is meeting mine on Sunday. It all feels wonderful <3



  26.  #26Indigo on January 20, 2016 at 10:57 am

    And did I mention I met M on Tinder?

    All these dating apps are what you make of them, ladies.



  27.  #27Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 11:43 am

    Indigo #25
    Ohhh… yes… the naturalness of simply getting to know each others family and friends so you can experience each other in ALL different contexts!!



  28.  #28Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 11:47 am

    Indigo…
    Mmmmm… I have to say… I’ve been somewhat jaded about Tender…
    I think you are soo right…
    It’s what you make of each online dating site…
    and I believe that if WE Know what we are looking for – just fun, committed, marriage or what ever it may be…
    and share this with our CDs early on
    We’ll find Him!
    oxoxo



  29.  #29Millie on January 20, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    I just have to say that I feel totally disappointed with the man M has proven to be… And I wish I could take back those 8 months I lost to myself. I know NOTHING is my fault and I can’t believe I ever even allowed myself to think that.

    I know I’m amazing and my forever man is out there somewhere, my romance is out there. I feel like the most beautiful and enchanting woman in the world. To be able to be so honest with myself, to admit that I feel conflicted and love myself through that confusion.

    My anxiety level has been SO much better! I barely feel anxious anymore, allowing myself to make mistakes, to be honest in the moment, even if what I feel changed from moment to moment.

    I love that this is not about HIM at all, it’s about ME.
    I do have to say that even though I have no plans to sleep with him it’s fun to flirt, tease, and talk about it. Haha



  30.  #30Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    ((Millie)))
    Hugs of congratulations!!
    I remember when My constant anxiety began to fade…
    Such a weight off my life and shoulders!!

    I feel so happy to hear how light you sound…
    YOU are Shinning brightly Super Siren!!



  31.  #31Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    This is totally off the conversation here…

    But I have been thinking this for awhile…
    I do like the design and easy usability of Rori’s web site.

    But I feel disappointed by the EXTREME whiteness of all the pictures on Rori’s site…

    I am a graphic designer and know there are TONS of beautiful photos available (at VERY affordable prices) of black, asian, hispanic etc… men and women!

    I would find it very uplifting to see much more diversity in the photos on here!



  32.  #32Lovergirl on January 20, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    See, the thing about S, even though he was involved in the swinger community when we met (so was I) is that he never really pushed to swing together. He actually actively avoided it when we were together a lot, saying being with me made him lose his motivation to do swinger stuff. So many men have tried to suggest threesomes with other women or tried to use me to get more other women in the swinger context, but never S.

    I miss him so much. I feel so melancholy since he contacted me a couple of weeks ago. Its like having my heart broken all over again every time I hear from him and it turns into nothing. It gets all the hope in my ueart going again. I almost wish he just wouldn’t call at all because then maybe I could get over him for real. Yet when I hear from him it makes me so happy. Im so confused. :/



  33.  #33Azure Blu on January 20, 2016 at 6:27 pm

    (((((((Lovergirl)))))))
    Sweet sweet heart!!!



  34.  #34Dixie on January 20, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    ((((lover girl)))))
    I understand this feeling……. I think we can all relate to this….

    How would you feel about telling him the truth? That when he contacts you, it feels confusing and upsetting, that you are getting over the relationship and when he contacts you, it doesn’t feel good.

    If he really is a good guy and not toying with your heart, he’ll do what’s best for you, not best for him. I’d almost, well, if it was me, not even respond to his platonic “reaching out” texts or calls anymore. If he has something important or profound or life-shifting to tell you….well, men will move heaven and earth if they need to.



  35.  #35CurvySiren10 on January 20, 2016 at 7:40 pm

    31 Azure Blue, I have noticed this too and find it a huge turn-off. It shocks me that there is no representation of the beautiful diversity that I know exists here in this group.



  36.  #36Lovergirl on January 20, 2016 at 7:54 pm

    Thanks Azure and Dixie. Dixie- thats pretty much what I told him back in November. He said he didnt mean to stir things up and I guess deleted my number so he wouldn’t be tempted to call. Then he EMAILED me a month and a half later.

    I just don’t get why, if he really doesn’t want me, he can’t stop himself from contacting me!! Its so confusing to me!! I love him so much and it just hurts so much. I dont understand where he is coming from.

    I may end up ignoring him, but when I tried thatbefore he acted super anxious and asked if I had deleted him, etc. I just didn’t have the heart to keep ignoring him. I would hate if he did that to me. :/



  37.  #37Millie on January 20, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Lover girl– the one thing I would say about S continuing to contact you is that maybe he has weak boundaries. I feel like I myself have a hard time upholding my boundaries and I wonder if S feels the same conflict of wanting something that he can’t really deliver…. Or knowing it’s not the right path but you feel tempted to look down it anyway… It’s curiousity and a little bit of lack of being able to say “no” forever. I have thid issue and tend to text people I really shouldn’t…. So I wonder if this is what S is facing.



  38.  #38Millie on January 20, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    Azure– thank you for being so supportive!! I love reading your words, they pump me up!!! I am feeling more siren than I have in a long time and it really doesn’t have to do with the men showing up as much as it has to do with how I feel about myself. I feel like I have grown so much in that dept over the last month. Regardless of what happens with any guy I now feel like I’m worthy and wonderful just the way I am today. I love my confusion and I love who I am and I really believe one day I will meet a man, or many men who are able to appreciate it too!!!

    There’s a man at work who I feel attracted to even though he isn’t stereotypically attractive. He’s older and married so I have been so shy around him and haven’t said a word to him although I’ve worked there for s few months now. Today I ran into him in the kitchen and decided to break the ice and introduce myself. He was so friendly! And I felt good letting go of my shyness and fear.



  39.  #39Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Curvy Siren10
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the lack of diversity in the photos. It is “shocking and a turn-off”
    I hope someone is reading and will consider a change.
    :0>



  40.  #40Lovergirl on January 21, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Millie 37-

    Maybe he does. I don’t know. I just miss him a lot. Need to try and love on myself more I guess. :/



  41.  #41Femininewoman on January 21, 2016 at 10:59 am

    Guys are masters at dragging things out sometimes. I wish Mercedes was still here to share how when her guy walked out of her life then tried to keep contact how she “responded” short or just ask him not to contact her anymore unless his feelings had changed and wanted to try again.



  42.  #42Femininewoman on January 21, 2016 at 11:05 am

    From Bob Grant:

    Over coffee he told her that he just didn’t see a future with her. She paused and without missing a beat simply smiled and said, “You wish.”

    He sat their stunned as she walked off and couldn’t get her out of his mind. 1 week later he didn’t text her, but called and fumbled his way around to asking when he could see her again.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on January 21, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    Leigha Lake:-

    What if this amazing, strong, successful, resilient, caring masculine man was looking for YOU and he would finally be able to recognize you (in an instant) when you start BEING his Divine Match?

    Imagine…your relationship flowing effortlessly from the very beginning to life long commitment (that’s what healthy Divine Relationships do!)



  44.  #44Millie on January 21, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    I wish I was the type of person to say “you wish” to M. Unfortunately he will never step up because I didn’t hold enough value to myself and boundaries.



  45.  #45Dixie on January 21, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    Well Sirens, for the first time in a long time, I went out and bought a nice new collection of undergarment….feminine, soft colours…without the expectation of D. or anyone else seeing them 🙂 Purely for me!

    I bought some lovely things in Portugal but honestly, those were bought with the anticipation of coming home to D., but this purchase today was for meeeeeee!

    Azure, thank you for your soft and kind encouragement! Of course, after that lovely evening…I acted like a banana. D. left a message thanking me, which I felt so weird about. And then I got myself twisted into a pretzel about it, contacted him, he responded gently and….. Well, my goodness. While I practice finding my footing, he’s been infinitely patient.

    I really don’t know if he’s my forever man…..deep in my heart, I have a strong feeling that neither of us is ready right now….But I love this mindset of mindfulness, just being present. I get to practice being appreciative, trying to stay in my feminine space, and holding space for him to Iean forward when he chooses to

    Learning more every day, and so much more gentleness and forgiveness with myself.



  46.  #46Dixie on January 21, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    ((((Millie))))

    Dear Millie, if there is one thing I’ve learned here is that it is SO important to be loving and kind and forgiving of ourselves! I used to beat myself up for all sorts of small things, and blame myself, and that sort of put me in the victim mode.

    You say you didn’t hold enough value to yourself and your boundaries…. Millie, we have all stepped past our boundaries into the uh-oh zone, just because it felt curiously thrilling and exciting at the time. But remember how desirable you are, vulnerabilities and all, and that is SO genuine and appealing!

    When the flirting is intense and seductive, yes, it gets me so ramped up and heated …. But that feels so much more like a game than anything honest and open. I definitely had my two or three years of thrilling, intense, passionate affairs but at the end, I always felt weirdly hungry… Like, literally hungry. For food! It was because I didn’t feel completely sated by these dates…

    Try out what you want, with your heart and eyes open. Being more sexual adventurous will definitely make you interesting to a man, but won’t be the reason he falls in love. More likely, the same adventurous, open spirit, even in a different scenario, will be equally interesting and captivating to him! But I encourage you to follow what your *heart* wants…. Because it won’t lie to you 🙂



  47.  #47Liquid Light on January 21, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    yes have a story that is very much along these lines..

    I had a date last night – a first date with someone from online dating site. We hadn’t met before.

    Anyway, he was cute, and the date was fun. He wanted to see me again and I said I did too. But then when I got home and thought about it more, I wasn’t feeling it.

    So today I texted him (after receiving several texts from him in the AM) that I enjoyed meeting him but didn’t feel like we were a match and good luck!

    Didn’t hear anything back and thought that was that. Until I got a wink from him on the online dating site a few hours later! I was floored!

    But I guess it just proves the point – they want you the most when you couldn’t care less. Hahaha!!!



  48.  #48Emerson on January 21, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    42 fw
    I don’t understand this…?



  49.  #49Millie on January 22, 2016 at 12:46 am

    I kind of botched everything with M. Not that there was anything to botch really… But I made a mess. My “Angel” and my “devil” chiming in at different times. Yeah I have been honest with him, but I have two sides… Two voices… And I think he thinks I’m in love with him. He sent me a meek about it. I would definitely say I am not, but I told him “you wish” because it was fresh in my head. Thankfully he’s supposed to be gone in a week or so and then he will be out of my life for good and I won’t have to deal with it anymore. I feel like I’ve sunk to the bottom of the sea because I was playing both sides… And now I lose both. No possibility of relationship and no fun. I guess it’s for the better, but I’m feeling pretty embarrassed. He says I change my mind hour to hour:.. Ok that is def an exaggeration, but he’s right. It is what is it though… Being dual and being one way and wanting another is me. I don’t know how else to be but really choose to suppress one for the other in this instance. I know I should always choose relationship. That my value has gone way down by being flip floppy about it. It would have been better to stick to one. Oh well, maybe one day I’ll have the confidence inside and out to really speak from that place instead of I don’t know, wherever I’m coming from now which isn’t working. I feel kind of stupid and I’m sure he doesn’t take me seriously at all. He’s been flaky too though. Our “dance” has been weird. One steps close, the other steps back, then there’s space until the other one steps close, and the other backs away. He’s been in contact though. I’ve leaned forward too. I got sassy the other night and said goodnight and he goes “that’s it we are never talking again?” That kind of made me mad because dude isn’t that what you intended when you walked out the door? So don’t put it on me. I don’t know, it feels so bad to hear a person not choose you. Now he says he’s so unhappy here and can’t wait to leave. I remember when he said he only wanted to be here because he hates where he is from.

    I don’t even know anymore if there’s any chance of this turning around. The only thing for me to do is to stop talking to him and move on. Thankfully I won’t be tempted anymore knowing he lives in another state and pretty much doesn’t want me in his life at all. Or at least that’s what I hear as the undercurrent to his words.

    In hindsight I wish I listened to everyone. I didn’t need to know why he disappeared. I thought I needed this closure but it’s kind of more painful. But for some reason I can’t just tell him no I don’t want this and walk away and not look back. I keep looking back an being curious, not liking what I find.

    I’m just going to pretend he’s gone and delete his number again as no not to be tempted to cause trouble.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 2:40 am

    Millie it has nothing to do with type. It is just a decision to stand by yourself. Drive a stake in the ground for yourself. Just imagine yourself standing in front of any man and him telling you in some way clearly that he doesn’t want you. See how you feel and make your decision. Then practice remembering that rejection is part of the game.



  51.  #51Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 6:35 am

    Liquid Light #49
    I feel curious, what made you change your mind?



  52.  #52Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Dixie #46
    Wooo Wooo!!! lovely Pantie* and bra* for YOU!!!
    Mmmm… I really need some new ones…
    My next paycheck I think I’ll put some $$ aside for just that!! :->

    I love what you are saying here:
    “I get to practice being appreciative,
    trying to stay in my feminine space,
    and holding space for him to Iean forward
    when he chooses to

    Learning more every day, and so much more gentleness and forgiveness with myself.”

    When I keep the mindset of “this is all Practice” it takes the anxiety out of everything!!!
    … It is fun to learn more and more about staying in my feminine…
    Sharing MY feelings in the moment…
    Thank you for always sharing your wonderful Vulnerable self!!
    oxoxo
    how to LOVE ME more…



  53.  #53Millie on January 22, 2016 at 7:25 am

    Femininewoman– I don’t know how to feel anything other than rejection and act from it. I don’t know how to stand there and have my words come from a diff place. I wrote a long list last night that got stuck in moderation, but I really botched things. It’s beyond turn around now. I don’t know how else to act/be. I don’t know what that looks like and feels like authentically. It’s quite sad. My mother would have just said to tell him to go “f himself.” And that’s it. I didn’t tell her I saw him I’m too ashamed.



  54.  #54Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Sirens
    I had a great adventure last night using the Rori Tools!!

    Yesterday Spirit and I hadn’t seen each other in 4 days (we’d been seeing each other almost everyday)

    He called me in the morning and told me his schedule for his weekend… (Yay!!)
    Then he said He wanted to see me that night (thur) and can i meet him at our new hangout for dinner and drinks…
    Me: “Ohhh… I feel soo happy, I feel excited to see you!”
    and then he asked me out for Friday night for dinner, dancing and hanging out with friends.
    He’s taking his daughter out on Sat.
    This is all NEW for me with Spirit… his schedule (for the first year of our dating) was ALWAYS a mystery!!

    So we were having dinner and we saw a friend and we were talking… and Spirit starts talking about his college time here in this town… this part of his past has always seemed VERY confusing to me…
    So I said “I feel confused about x, y and z…
    He tried to blow it off… act like i was being silly…
    but I quietly continued to ask questions…

    and said “I feel scared when this part of your past keeps changing.” “were you in seminary school?”
    And as I stood my ground… he began to listen
    and explain more of what was going on…
    the friends he had back then (some of my mutual friends)
    and he showed me online where he actually lived.
    HE became very concerned that I understood.

    I felt safe and cared for!! He tried to lighten the mood by calling himself “Liar, liar pants on fire”
    we left and I said “I love you Spirit, and I am dedicated to making us work!”

    He text me when he got home and I said
    “I feel cherished by you…because you wanted me to understand and not be confused.”

    I feel SO HAPPY that I was able to share MY Fellings in THE MOMENT… Staying focused… and not getting agitated
    something I have been struggling with my whole life!!
    It felt AMAZING and then that Spirit responded in this MOST thoughtful and caring way!!!

    I tell you, I wanted to turn it into a BIG Negative…
    until I got home and looked back on the night and saw how concerned he was that I see the truth!

    Learning to appreciate and be surprised and open my heart to the love and cherishing he *IS* giving to me!!
    Ahhhh… I feel loved!
    Mmmmmm… very yummie!
    AND SCARY!!! :-0



  55.  #55Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 7:37 am

    ((((Millie))))
    Ahhh sweet darling Siren…

    I feel that you are doing really good! You are loving YOU more and MORE!!

    What I kept doing… all the times I have been in your place (more times than I can count)… is taking that adorable feeling of “rejection”
    and holding her hand… giving her LOVE…
    Maybe She is feeling pushed away and hated…
    She is a Wonderful part of you and is trying to keep you safe from the world!!!



  56.  #56Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 7:49 am

    Millie I have kinda been there with my daughter. She was hesitant to tell me that she had seen him after I encouraged her to but was relieved after she spoke with me. You can let your mother know you want to build trust with her and you want her to have your back because the relationship is important to you. Regardless of what she says I am sure she has been there and done that. Maybe it is because of her own shame for herself that she has not yet reconciled why she would be harsh with you.



  57.  #57Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Believe it or not you do know how to act. You do know how to be. You can do this. I am sure you would not throw yourself under a bus. What I would tell my daughter is to go stand in front of the mirror and talk to herself. Even if it is “I am ready to…..” Keep saying it until your mid gets it. It is a process. I’d also suggest checking out tapping.



  58.  #58Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 7:56 am

    Millie…
    Yeah,…. when I started seeing Spirit again (6 months ago)
    ALL my friends and family were NOT happy!

    I didn’t tell them for awhile… until they started asking…

    And I just listened to them and said…
    “I know how much you love me and that you are concerned about my happiness. Thank you for caring”
    Like FW says… It did make our relationship stronger!



  59.  #59Mandy on January 22, 2016 at 10:21 am

    WOW.

    BUT…

    I FEEL compartmentalized too…because I feel like I have to shut down some parts to open another!!!!!!!

    I HAVE tried to get my dad’s attention while he’s watching baseball…IMPOSSIBLE. LOL.

    But….okay I guess I’ll have to accept it for face value that everything is connected inside me…

    Emotional and sexual ARE….ARE SO CONNECTED.

    When I have sex, ya. It’s freaking connection, bonding, and love that’s being created. I do not have sex for sport.

    How did I get Valentine to fo to Seattle, do any of you…know?

    He thought I was awesome from the get go I know that. That and I seemed very high value to him and very coveted.

    So I did say no the first time and he was a gentleman. I loved it and I think he did too. because well, I came to him for help with that very thing, sex, but I had to talk to him and be around him first. I literally asked for his help. Yes I know it seems odd, unorthodox, etc, but I’d just come out of being sexually neglected for four years, you all remember, I’m sure. So I just said it, will you help me open up, I’m jaded from this guy, I would like your help.

    I guess from his side it must’ve seemed pretty perfect, because he’d been admiring me from afar and thought wow, she’s asking for MY help, and I’m just me!

    I know he doesn’t feel great inside sometimes. He works hard.

    Right now I need to not work hard. I need to lean back big time. I’m pretty exhausted at the moment dealing with my own mental issues.



  60.  #60Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Mandy…
    be gentle with yourself… Like you said…You are still recovering from your 4 years with J…

    Growing and Learning… and being a Super Siren
    By setting boundaries of staying out of a close relationship…
    All of that is Self LOVE!!

    I have found much joy in volunterring at my local soap kitchen and art gallery!
    It gets me out of “MySelf” and thinking and doing for others!



  61.  #61Liquid Light on January 22, 2016 at 11:26 am

    Azure #50

    Thanks for asking. I didn’t really change my mind. I didn’t really want to see him again but I guess I was being polite and trying to be open. But when I gave it some more time, nothing changed.

    Its hard for me to turn someone down to their face. I didn’t want to hurt him and also didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness afterwards. But he asked me point blank on the date if I wanted to see him again. It was a bit off putting and made me uncomfortable. So to ease the tension, I said yes.

    Btw, I’m so happy for you and Spirit! The evolution and depth of the relationship you are creating with him really warms my heart!



  62.  #62Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Liquid Light #60…
    Ahhh… yes, I’ve done that too… said yes when asked in person after the date if I wanted to get together again…Cause it is awkward to say no right there!!
    better for me (and him I imagine) to send a text
    You’ve only had one date after all. :-))

    I guess I was curious what it was about him you didn’t want to go out again… you said he was cute and the date was fun… why not a second date?
    for practice?

    Ohhh… thanks so much for your Amazing encouraging words about Spirit and I!!

    I continue to share these moments on Siren Island
    cause it is very helpful for me to type them out
    and I know how much help
    all the journeys everyone shares,
    are for Me!!
    oxoxo



  63.  #63Liquid Light on January 22, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    Azure,

    I guess because I know he’s not right for me. He doesn’t have what I’m looking for. And I’ve tried that over and over again to give someone a second chance because I think I should. But over and over again, it doesn’t work out and I end up feeling upset – discouraged and frustrated. I guess its just something I feel or not in my heart and I just need to trust that…



  64.  #64Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Liquid Light
    Ahhhh… listening to your instincts!!
    that makes perfect sense to me!
    thanks for sharing… :0>



  65.  #65Liquid Light on January 22, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    Azure

    Thank YOU lovely siren!

    🙂

    I feel like from what you’ve written here, you’ve done that with Spirit?



  66.  #66Leigha Lake on January 22, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Feminine Woman – 43 – Yessss!!! xoxoxox



  67.  #67Dixie on January 22, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    Azure…. Thank you for your kind words earlier! I felt so wrapped in kindness!

    I’ve come down with this stomach flu and am feeling edgy and achy and just…..like sandpaper! I don’t like getting sick like this because I feel SO needy!

    Sometimes, just coming back to read the comments here help me respond in real life scenarios….D. asked me how I was feeling but I was so afraid of letting him see me feel like this ….just weak and soft and feeling ineffective. But Azure, thank you for reminding me of my own words…. That this is just practice!

    I’ve been feeling out-sirened by some of the women that he works with because they are so knowledgeable in his field and very outgoing and totally confident it seems and it seems to have left me feeling shaken recently, as if letting him see me weak will be a negative thing. But remembering that this is just practice takes away the gremlins.



  68.  #68Daria on January 22, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    I’m getting my energy back and healing. I think it was a hidden infection that cause my EMF sensitivities.

    In other news I really really want to be a business siren. But i don’t believe in myself and my power to do so. and it feels so scary and sad.

    sad

    i love my sadness and my fear

    what if i can change this?

    big smiles

    that would feel so overwhelming

    haha i wrote overwhelming

    cuz it feels scary

    if anyone could help its Rori

    i want the help

    I want to have this



  69.  #69Daria on January 22, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    i just realized how relieved i am at how unbelievable it is that I’m actually healing after all this time 3 years. and so much frustration at not getting it to happen or get myself on a road i felt i was building with

    and now its happening. this is a big blessing and i love taking blessings for granted 🙂

    cuz taking things for granted is kinda like being in the NOW

    and then sometimes i look back and get flushed with the thrill of euphoria



  70.  #70Millie on January 22, 2016 at 7:47 pm

    Azure 55– awww you are so sweet!! If you don’t mind my asking, I was wondering your age?

    Femininewoman– my mom is a great person to talk to, but I’m not ready to tell her this yet..we do have a great relationship, but I’m not ready. I told my dad awhile ago I deleted M’s number and he asked, but he can still contact you right? In a tone that was hopeful. I asked if he thought M was the one… And he said not after how he acted.

    I am really glad my long post is stuck in moderation, I don’t really want it to be read now.

    I’m trying to think of new mantras I can tell myself to turn things around within me, so I can start speaking from a place of confidence. “I am a prize” doesn’t make me feel anything. I had a hard week at work, feeling like I’m scattered and not “together” feeling like I’m not doing the best I can. I let down my boss on something and I realize my performance is a reflection on him and I want us all to succeed. Luckily he’s a nice guy and won’t hold it over my head like my last boss.



  71.  #71Mandy on January 22, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    Azure, are you a coach or considering it? You’re so uplifting!

    You always have the right words. I think you’re talented with all this.

    I love hearing your responses, I feel so heard and actually…nurtured.

    Thanks for always being there for me, it means the world!

    Gotta get busy! Classes, hobby, somethin!

    🙂



  72.  #72Millie on January 22, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Why, when I look at his picture–I see the man that will be my husband?
    Are my pheromones that convoluted?
    Is my attachment only my hormones talking?
    Maybe…
    I guess that I flip flopped a bit with him because I’m scared of losing him.
    And I can’t be scared of losing any guy.
    Especially when he’s telling me, he’s not choosing me.
    What does every man want? A woman who doesn’t tolerate poor treatment. A woman so strong and confident in herself that she knows there will a better man after him.
    I want to be that, I want to be that…and yet I’ve shown him I tolerate poor treatment and that I am not strong or confident.
    And yet, I look at him and I talk to him, and I don’t think it’s over.
    Maybe it is. Maybe this is all my crazy female hormones deceiving me. My animal attraction to a potent male who women chase after. Yes, women chase after him. He’s a good looking guy, he has he pick.
    And here he is, saying he doesn’t want a relationship, and I still can’t let go of this glimmer that it’s possible. Not because he will change…
    But because I will….
    And not FOR him…
    But for me!!!
    And when I do that…he will SEE me again.
    Because it was THERE. It was.
    And maybe it was only there for the time it should have been there. A passing time…he is a train passing through the station.
    But maybe it’s not.
    Maybe this interaction is part of something bigger, so big that I can only get wrapped up in the moment and not see…that what I choose today, how I treat myself today…will dictate the rest…
    And I can’t find it in myself to be mean to him.
    After all this…I can’t stand up and be mean or angry.
    Where is my anger?!
    I want to…oh how I would love to tell him he doesn’t deserve me. How he’d be lucky if I even considered long distance with him. I guess I never saw demeaning someone as a method of creating attraction.
    And I still don’t think it is.
    I can say…hearing no..keeps him asking.
    I wonder if the turn around for me…will be truly giving up on this person.
    Like in every bone in my body giving up on him.
    Why is it hard for me to do that?
    It’s like, people gave up on me and I see myself as him…I don’t want to give up on me.
    I was called profanities once and it was awful…so I never call anyone names. Because I remember how it felt.
    I wonder if I’m projecting all of me onto him.
    Treating him with the care I would have wanted from someone.
    Trying to find resolve in treating others well
    As I want to be treated.
    And at the same time being honest when I feel bad.
    I told him.
    How I felt about some of the things he said and he felt genuinely bad, which made me feel bad.
    I don’t want him to feel bad!!
    I want him not to do that anymore.
    Choose not to
    I don’t know.
    I deleted his number because I felt myself leaning forward too much. So, we’ll see…



  73.  #73Daria on January 22, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    “He’s a good looking guy, he has he pick.”

    That thought is what I would change…

    because for men it’s not like that. We women have the pick.

    They just get dragged by their gut when they feel “it”… picking from a crowd of fans doesn’t do “it” for them, it’s rather a boring distraction

    No matter how good looking they are, they are just a guy who gets hit by attraction to a certain woman who likely is not in that crowd

    She’s somewhere on a pedestal to his perception

    So in my mind I would start with me and him on equal footing at the olympics pedestal…

    and then drop his pedestal like 30 feet 🙂

    and rise mine up like 100 🙂

    There, now that’s ‘energy balance’ hehe



  74.  #74Daria on January 22, 2016 at 9:39 pm

    “How he’d be lucky if I even considered long distance with him.”

    Haha but he would be lucky! Any guy would 🙂

    This is not demeaning, it is a fact



  75.  #75Daria on January 22, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    (((((((Millie))))))



  76.  #76Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 2:40 am

    Trust that he knows he’s lucky and tell him he was lucky t) have you. He knows it any way. Every man loves a woman who is confident enough to say that. Every wants to be the lucky one.

    I said it to a guy decades ago and he is still hung up on me hehe :). I felt it in my bones then so I just said it.



  77.  #77Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 4:54 am

    anybody getting on the call?



  78.  #78Tee on January 23, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Daria, I ❤ your self confidence
    I need that



  79.  #79Millie on January 23, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Daria!!! Nice to see you on the blog again!!

    Yessss!! You are so right and thank you for the reminder!! I didn’t even notice I was putting him on a pedestal and suddenly making him the prize. Yes, putting myself up, wrapping that gold medal around my neck, feeling it’s weight, the crowd cheering for me…I need to soak in what it feels like to be on that pedestal.

    If a guy told me that I “was so lucky to be with him” I’d be like who do you think you are? Narcissistic a-hole. However, I guess coming from a woman, it has a different effect. Yeah if he contacts me again and it feels right–I’ll test it out. I really do think he’s thrown away something that was great–and maybe that’s where I can start with my feelings of raising myself up, that I know something he doesn’t, that being with me is great!!! I know I could make him happy, but it’s really about–I’m not sure HE could make ME happy. I think that’s where I need to root my stake, because it feels true without being bi*chy. If I stay in this energy, the words will just flow from that and I won’t have to worry about what to say.

    Thank you Daria and Femininewoman!



  80.  #80Millie on January 23, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    You know what– on second thought– I can’t know if I can make him happy–only he knows. I don’t hold that that key–he does. So, it’s much healthier and stronger if I trust him to know that he knows what is best for him.



  81.  #81Mandy on January 23, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Coaches, I feel TERRIBLY curious…

    How do you respond so nicely to a client, even if you feel triggered to grab a woman and shake her and say stop doing this to yourself?

    I actually just gave advice to a woman in a group on Facebook, because she thinks her man is cheating. I told her she’s making herself miserable by looking at his phone messages. I felt so triggered I could hardly speak in a nice tone. How do you do it?

    Is it remembering a woman’s humanness?

    I guess I was so triggered because I have worked so hard on that particular issue and this woman I talked to seems like she’s selfish and immature.

    Yikes, that is a harsh judgement of me, no?

    I think it is…lol….jeez!



  82.  #82Mandy on January 23, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Calm down Mandy lol 🙂



  83.  #83Liquid Light on January 23, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Millie

    I would encourage you to do more worksheets on M. Just try to do one on whatever comes up for you. And keep working through what comes up. Its been great for me to break through some of the thorny issues still remaining for me (and getting in my way) with my ex, and with men in general.



  84.  #84Violette on January 23, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    I’m involved with a sweet man. He keeps in touch, I enjoy talking to him, he speaks the language I love to practice, he’s great in bed. I love when he kisses me. I love his voice.
    At the same time he doesn’t date traditionally. I chalk it up to him being from a country where they don’t have dating. But I have let him know I am a Southern woman and when he is chivalrous I adore it and that I love to date traditionally. The result is he never asks me to dinner and when he buys me a drink he often finds a way to hint that I’ll pay next time.
    I don’t ever want to pay, unless it’s a surprise gift to him. But I question whether this has to do with me not wanting to give, to invest myself. If I want someone to take care of me like a little girl. Which is not what I want.
    I waver whether or not it’s good for me to be so attached to this issue of dating. I pine for dinner in restaurants with a boyfriend, and it feels like such a buzz kill if I’m asked to pay. But I don’t want to feel like I’m using that as an excuse for not letting a man get close to me.



  85.  #85Violette on January 23, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    I meant to say I waiver on whether or not it is good for me to be so attached to the issue of who is paying on a date…



  86.  #86Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    So Violette he is not buying you a drink because you are the one paying for it!?



  87.  #87Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    Violette…
    Mmmm… are you Cding?
    Isn’t it way too early to only be considering him?

    i’m feeling a bit confused… The result of you sharing that it feels very chivalrous to be taken out to dinner – on a date –
    is that he DOESNT do that?

    For me… a man who isnt’ listening to my wants
    in the BEGINNING of our dating… is very suspect and I would
    for sure be dating others!!
    YOU ARE THE PRIZE
    lovely Siren!!!

    I do understand that he comes from a different culture… and that is great that you get to practice his language…
    BUT… that would be all it would be for me..
    Practice…

    Do yo feel cared for, listened to and adored by him?

    No reason to be exclusive YET!!

    In the beginning Spirit has a tendency to wait to see if I’d say that i’d go in half or I’d pay (I’m sure most of his dates offer to pay cause that’s what happens now)
    BUT i have learned from Rori
    To sit back and let the man be the giver, the doer the man!!! So YOU get to be the feminine – the receiver the appreciator!
    Spirit does pay most of the time (he was unemployed for awhile so I did go in half now and then) and once in awhile i’ll have him over for a big dinner… but not often!
    and then I show my appreciation by saying how generous he is and how romantic it feels when he has a glass of my fave wine waiting when I meet him somewhere!! and then orders us dinner etc.
    I do need a generous man!



  88.  #88Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    Daria #72
    Love the visual of NOT to put him on a pedestal!!
    great reminder…thank you



  89.  #89Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Mandy #70
    Ohhh… lovely Siren,
    Thank you so much for those warm heart felt words…
    I feel pleasure that you feel nurtured by my responses to you!!
    No, I’m not a coach… :->
    oxoxo



  90.  #90Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    Millie #69
    No, don’t mind you asking at all.
    I’m 64… :->



  91.  #91Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    Dixie #66
    I am sending warm blankets of get well soon wishes!

    I’m remembering a post by Rori about how being sick it the perfect opportunity to Practice being vulnerable…
    Masculine loves to give, be the doer…
    when we let down our guard (ie. feeling sick lowers our masculine energy) we let him close!
    HE loves that!!!
    I too have such a difficult time letting others do for me!!



  92.  #92Millie on January 23, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Azure 90– Wow it feels so inspiring to me to hear your age and all of the excitement in your voice, the amazing changes that have occurred within you and your life!! I feel excited at where this journey could go and how being a siren allows us to be happy and full at any age. The anxiety I feel towards time has dwindled a lot. I have all the time in the world to attract the right man.

    Liquid Light– To be honest I don’t know where to start… with M and the worksheets. I feel like my feelings are processing themselves…in a weird way. Like I don’t have to try. I really like the worksheet process though– I just don’t know what to say. My feelings change to from moment to moment. Like right now I feel a little like “F him” He’s playing games and I deserve better. I don’t feel mad, just like I’m done with this, there’s a lot of men in the world. But then there are other moments where I feel so pulled to him and soothed by his memory… I think it was Azure who posted a poem awhile ago about letting go… so calmly, not doing anything, just releasing your hand. I’m ready to do that now.



  93.  #93Dixie on January 23, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    90 Azure Blu: yes, yes, thank you for the reminder of Rori’s text. My mom came by with soup etc and a magazine and it felt SO good 🙂 to be taken care of

    After our tender date on Monday, D suddenly feels far away again, wrapped up in work, and ohhhhhh, the triggers that showed up! I was leaning forward in my energy definitely. I love and miss his protective masculine energy right now….

    Anyhow, this is a perfect example of practice time for me :), but I am receiving lots of warm cuddly moments from my parents and sister 🙂



  94.  #94Violette on January 23, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    Well I wasn’t trying to shock the blog here…



  95.  #95Emerson on January 23, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    Sirens
    I get attached to people …I’m realizing this is why I mourn friendships and relationships so much. Some people can just replace, but I cannot do that as easily.
    I’ve been feeling very lonely. I have friends and spend some weekend acrivities with them, but it does not feel like enough….I suffer the whole week with lonely feelings every day when I get home from work. I try to stay busy but I have a pit in my stomach when I go home and go to bed alone for so many years.
    Thank you for letting me vent and I feel ashamed to admit this to anyone that I know, aside from maybe my Mother.
    And I don’t want to burden her or make her worry.



  96.  #96Millie on January 24, 2016 at 1:49 am

    Emerson, I can relate… All I can suggest is to engage yourself in new opportunities and activities where you can meet new people and have something to look forward to.



  97.  #97Femininewoman on January 24, 2016 at 3:30 am

    Emerson do you have a passion you pursue in your life?



  98.  #98Zara on January 24, 2016 at 4:42 am

    Violette

    On this Pat Allen radio show recording, she puts her light on a situation that reminds me of your post to some extent. You know, the part where the man is nurturing love off the girl friend as long as it does not cost him money or energy investment. You might want to hear her assesment of the caller’s testimony and see if it helps you feel more clarity about your own reality. You can hear it by sliding the time cursor forward until the point where it reads 1:10:30. ( 1 hour and 10 minutes and 30 seconds after the beginning of the show ).
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-010816.mp3

    xxx



  99.  #99Zara on January 24, 2016 at 4:54 am

    Violette
    *****I don’t ever want to pay, unless it’s a surprise gift to him. But I question whether this has to do with me not wanting to give, to invest myself. If I want someone to take care of me like a little girl. Which is not what I want.*****

    A little girl feels and IS defenceless when her Dad drops dead in front of her. She NEEDS her dad to pay for her shelter, her health, her food, her education, her cloths. She needs him to show her the road, give her the example, even sometimes excavate the path on the ground for her to walk safely… She needs him to be respected by the world around. The more respectable the father, the more respected the little girl. The comfortableness of her place on this planet depends of who her father is and wether her father is in her vital space or not and how he loves her.

    Whereas a grown up woman feels sad when her Dad drops dead in front of her. She might at first feel defenceless as an old habit from childhood, yet she soon realises she misses him, she grieves for him but she is NOT defenceless. She does not NEED him to be safe on this planet anymore. Her every day life does not change one inch after her father’s death. It’s all about the inside sadness of missing a loved one who used to be vital in her childhood. It is not about feeling safe in her every day life anymore.

    The same goes with dates or lovers, husbands etc…
    You are NOT a little girl treating a date like your father when you are paying for your own life, stable as an employee in your job, or stable in your project as a company creator etc… You pay your own rent or mortgage, the technical part of your life has nothing to do with the man you date. You pay your own food when he is not around, you make your own plans in your job, you do your own buying as if he was not even on the planet. This is the opposite of being a little girl. This is being your own grown up woman whom a man would feel privileged to be allowed to date.

    Now when the updated independent grown up woman lay back around her date and let him pay for their nigh out, she is allowing him to do good so he can feel good too, ie he is an updated grown up man himself who feels privileged to take her out and happy to share his energy (his money) to show what he is about and to make their time together something special. She is letting the space for him to step in his hero role, a role that makes him feels thrilled about himself which participates in his good health and general happiness.

    A woman attracts love just because she exists. Her being on the planet is enough for her to deserve the love and attention of a man. She does not have to do anything to be loved.
    And as a perfect balance, a man has to do good to deserve love. Nature is perfect as she did so that men need to do good in order to feel good. And women need to feel good in order to do good.
    In a dating situation, it would mean a man plans and pays for the dates, which makes him feel good. The woman feels good when she feels his genuine happiness in pampering her and she shares with the man her feelings of feeling good and liking it. Which makes the man want to do it again for the same woman. Until the woman’s love cup is overflowing, and the overflow is naturally sent back to the man who is doing good to her. That’s when nature creates that feeling inside the updated independent grown up woman that she wants to do something back for him. May be pay for a drink tonight after he paid for the meals on the previous dates. May be pay for the movies tonight after he took her on a trip the previous week. May be cook for him on a ratio of one cooked meal for 2 or 3 dates out paid by him.

    The word “man” can be replaced by the expression”masculine energy” and the word “woman” can be replaced by the expression “feminine energy” .
    From there you pick what you want to be: “the egg or the sperm?” as Dr Pat Allen likes to ask. The answer is totally up to what you really feel like being.

    Do you want to feel cherished first and respected second or do you want to be respected first and cherished second?

    xxx



  100.  #100Zara on January 24, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Regarding my post 97 => 1 hour and 10 minutes is how it reads on my Ipad. But on my android phone, it reads as 70 minutes 🙂

    xxx



  101.  #101Emerson on January 24, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Thanks Millie
    FW yes I have passions/hobbies. I am involved in them on weekends and sometimes after work. Sometimes it feels pointless because I wNt to share it with someone.

    I do a lot of things by myself even travel. I can do it but I
    Am getting tired of it.
    I don’t know what the solution is but I’m just venting.
    I feel sad that I have t been able to meet someone that I can have a lasting relationship with.
    I want someone special to travel with mKe dinner with and share dreams etc ….
    I miss that.
    I feel this hope that I’ll meet someone but the years keep going by….
    Hmm I know how to find jobs….but this is something f else.



  102.  #102Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 7:36 am

    Emerson,

    Have you tried coaching with Dominique?

    If you’ve tried everything else, she has a great way of opening you up to new opportunities, and offering insights that you may not have considered or heard before which give you new hope. Often the thing standing in your way is one thing or several little things that you may not have thought of, and you just need someone who understands men to point you in the right direction personally. It’s really worth the investment.



  103.  #103Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 7:49 am

    I had the most wonderful weekend with M. We were together nearly 24/7 from Friday night till Sunday afternoon, but it didn’t feel like too much or anything. It was just so wonderful.

    He’s someone who, yes, I liked from the first moment I met him, but he’s also grown on me amazingly because of his sweet, gentle nature and his calm, masculine demeanour. He’s totally adoring and looks after me every moment he’s with me. We talk constantly about how much we love being together and how much we love being close. He is always holding my hand, hugging me and doing things for me. Aside from the wonderful, loving, considerate way that he treats me, I also love talking to him – he’s very interesting and intelligent and outdoorsy, he’s played lots of sports well and travelled a lot. And I feel very attracted to him. He’s a big gentle masculine teddy bear of a man.

    And what’s so great is that I don’t have to watch myself when I’m with him. Being feminine and goddessy comes absolutely naturally because he always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he feels. I don’t have to worry about leaning forward or feeling insecure or anxious because he never gives me a chance. He always steps in to contact me and make me happy and tell me how he misses me when he’s not with me and makes an effort to come to me. Always. And it seems to come totally naturally to him. It’s a wonderful feeling 🙂 I don’t even have to worry about not criticising him or any of that stuff because I naturally feel so loving and supportive towards him. It’s just great, sirens. Love can feel super easy if that’s what you choose.



  104.  #104Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 9:00 am

    Indigo
    Lovely, bright shinning siren!!!

    i feel sooo happy reading about your exciting beginnings with M!!!

    Did you meet his Mom? and did he meet your family?



  105.  #105Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 10:02 am

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you. Yes, I met both his parents on Friday night, we had a low key family dinner, and I stayed the night at his parents’ house (separate bedrooms, haha! 😀 ) and he met my mom and stepdad and brother for lunch today (Sunday).

    Last night we went out for a drink at a pub and he met some of my close friends.

    We went hiking yesterday and also had lots and lots of cuddle time. All in all it was such a smiley, relaxed weekend 🙂



  106.  #106Emerson on January 24, 2016 at 10:11 am

    Indigo thank you I really like your suggestion!
    I really like Dominique and have connected with her well in this blog… I’ll look into it. 🙂
    I feel open to it.

    I met some friends for sinner last night and realizing I can’t keep up with some of them…meaning I don’t have the finances that they had to dine out etc…I need to find ways to spent time with friends that are willing to do cheaper activities or free…
    Sometimes I’m feeling so “desperate” for the company and socializing that I spend the money anyways just so I can be included. I don’t want to do that anymore.



  107.  #107Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Emerson,

    I relate to this people-pleasing, desperate energy as it was how I was in the past. And I can honestly tell you it is standing in your way to finding love.

    To draw people to you, you need to know who you are and what you’re about and what does and doesn’t work for you, and you need to be confident that there are people who will fit in with you and love and accept you just the way you are. This is what draws people. People pleasing desperation repels people, or at the very least attracts people who are not really good for you. No harm done though, just need to be aware of it.



  108.  #108Liquid Light on January 24, 2016 at 11:08 am

    Millie

    I think that the way the worksheets are supposed to work is that you pick a specific situation that caused you stress/anxiety/discomfort and use that. I believe that the she emphasized using a particular incident that happened rather than something vague and general.

    It can be anything that happened that makes you feel anything other than happy and peaceful.

    (And I know from what you wrote here previously, you’ve really got the hang of the turnarounds.)



  109.  #109Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Mmmm… i’m learning MORE…
    Spirit is hanging out Friday, Sat. and Sunday…
    and I LOVE it… I’ve been working off and on as I have my magazine that needs to go to the printer this coming week…
    AND I don’t manage my time very well… UGHHH

    But a big trigger is coming up for me…
    along the same lines as Violette mentioned…
    Money and Finances…
    It seems very important to Spirit that money spent is VERY equal..

    I’m not used to this… All the men that I have been more than dating
    have been More than generous and they realize that I don’t make as much as them and cover most of what we do…
    I usually want to chip in for trips or dinners here and there…
    but this isn’t how it is playing out with Spirit…

    I’ve been struggling a lot (like most Americans) since 2008
    Just recently recovering in this past year…
    Spirit lost his job last year and has been taking care of his 28 yr. old daughter for the past several years because of her skyzophrenia…

    I need to figure this out… any suggestions?

    Love my confusion… Love my lack of….
    love that I am doing better…
    LOVE and acknowledge – I AM doing better…
    hold boundaries so as not to sabatoge my savings and plans for travel in my future…



  110.  #110Millie on January 24, 2016 at 11:54 am

    Emerson– I read a really beautiful posting by Leigha lake recently that talks about appreciating what the universe is giving to you now and learning to feel happy in all the little things that are in front of you. The goal there isn’t to dismiss your wants and desires, but to attract them in with positive energy. When we are focused on what is missing in our life, or constantly in lack, unhappy with the moment we are in, i.e “I feel lonely and sad to have dinner by myself again”– that energy does not allow what we truly want to arrive. It blocks it, or puts us in a place where even if a great man shows up, we are in a negative space and he doesn’t see us or we don’t see him. I can really relate to your post because for a long time I really dreaded going home alone after work every night, seeing all my friends in relationships and why not meeeee. But reading Leigha’s post really helped me to see how that energy and belief wasn’t serving me. How much of what we tell ourselves is a belief we have about love, about what we deserve that is based on a hurt from the past and not relevant to attracting love into our lives now?

    I felt so much better when I started to appreciate and notice all the wonderful things in my life! For me there is a lot. Instead of going home alone being a negative thing, turn it around! Personally I do love my apartment, I cherish it– so I became excited to cook for myself, to clean, to lay in my soft comforter all night and feel safe in my sanctuary. Now I feel the best at home, like a mothers arms around me. My apartment is not a place that feeds into my loneliness, it is a place where I feel safe to process my feelings and better get to know my self and cultivate and soothing and beautiful sanctuary.

    I’ve traveled a lot alone too and I have to say brava to you for not stopping your life in the face of not having a partner. So many people are unwilling to travel by themselves and I actually find doing what you want regardless of whether you have company to be really attractive!!!! Instead of feeling tired of it, congratulate yourself on being brave and remember all the memories and moments you had with yourself!! The sunset… A historical monument that gave you chills… Those are moments that touched you and you alone.

    I’m not saying to dismiss how you feel, feel it. Feel your lonliness, sink into it, and let it go. All those beliefs of frustration and tiredness are radiating an energy that precisely blocks what you long for to arrive.

    I’m writing a lot because I can relate to your post so much and I know you will feel so much happier with shifting these thoughts.

    Another good question to ask yourself is from the worksheet: “who would you be without these thoughts?”
    Ususally it opens up a whole potential for energy to be shifted and align with you and your purpose.
    Xxx



  111.  #111Femininewoman on January 24, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Azure have you thought of it that you don’t want to spend it on yourself so why should he? If the spending is equal is what he wants this is what I am seeing.

    Have you considered not going out with him to the places he want you to spend equally? Go there by yourself if that activity is something you want to do and spend the money on yourself and see how it feels to you. See if it is worth the struggle with Spirit. Ask yourself if his company makes any difference and if it is something you are willing to let go of.

    Have you considered letting him know that you can do things that does not involve spending money?

    Have you considered that this could be his way of unconsciously testing you or showing you that he really is not ready for a serious relationship? Or s maybe his way of showing his doubts about his ability to provide for you?



  112.  #112Millie on January 24, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Liquid Light-108

    Ok- Let me try it again…but it almost feels wrong, the way I’m saying things because through Rori I have learned so much about not placing blame and also not trying to control a man with “he shoulds” so I think that’s why I’m having a hard time with it.



  113.  #113Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Millie #109
    Girllllll…. I LOVE what you are sharing here!
    Thank you…

    Personally I do love my apartment, I cherish it–
    so I became excited to cook for myself,
    to clean, to lay in my soft comforter all night
    and feel safe in my sanctuary.
    Now I feel the best at home,
    like a mothers arms around me.
    I feel safe to process my feelings
    and better get to know my self
    and cultivate and soothing and beautiful sanctuary.
    What a great flip on hating being alone…

    I have been alone for many years… and I had gotten into the hatting my alone life…
    until I learned to flip it also…
    and i must say
    that was part of the process of attracting and keeping
    more available and high quality men.



  114.  #114Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    Feminine Woman #110
    Ohhh… lovely Siren
    Thank you Thank you for shining your wise and loving light on my questions…
    YES these are alll really good
    I want to ponder on each one…
    oxoxoxo



  115.  #115Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    and of course…
    As always …. the Universe, who loves me dearly,
    ALWAYS brings me answers when I ask…

    i happened to go to Sami Wunders site
    and found this great article she wrote in December

    http://digitalromanceinc.com/q-and-a/over-giving-kills-relationship-5-ways-stop/



  116.  #116Millie on January 24, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    OH MY!!! I just read the most AMAZING newsletter from Leigha that totally HIT my issue on the head!!! I was doing a worksheet about my being frustrated with how M is treating me and came to the conclusion that I am not treating ME well, but not having strong enough boundaries. (Kind of an obvious one, I knew that already) Anyways, Leigha’s letter is about attracting your Divine Love by having strong boundaries that push out the men who disappear, are unavailable, and who can’t give you the love you want. Once your boundaries are STRONG, these situations will no longer be a part of your life!! So M showing up again IS to test me, to test my boundaries and love for myself and show me that they need to be stronger!!! I feel so happy and clear to know that the answer is here and that I know what I need to do!!! I know the path I need to be on!! OHHHH I kind of hope he does contact me again and wants to hook up so I can say unapolagetically that “This is not working for me.”



  117.  #117Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    Millie #111
    I too struggled with some of Byron Katies turnarounds because of How well Rori’s tools work for me.

    So I guess I took some of what she says and did put it with the Rori Way…



  118.  #118Azure Blu on January 24, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Millie #115
    Ohhh… YES!!!!
    This *IS* GREAT!
    I can see it More clearly than ever!!!
    the Stronger MY boundaries…
    All the other guys FADE
    Love this!!

    And What Ilearned from Sami Wonders post
    was
    Dont make the man MORE important than ME!!!
    That’s how I don’t fall into the overdoing
    overgiving!! and getting resentful!
    Ahhh I feel so greatful for all you wonderful Sirens!!
    oxoxo



  119.  #119BeLoved on January 24, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    Well hoooooraY!
    I just had a delicious date with a Tinder guy.
    He said he had no plans for the date and that it would feel good to have coffee with someone fun and smart.
    I thought up a hundred different responses, but ultimately noticed I was mired in perfectionism which made me giggle and I told him that.
    We chatted a bit, I was on my way to go hiking and said, what do you think about meeting me at the trail?
    He googled it right away, and ended up meeting me and it all worked perfectly, I got my personal time and exercise on the trails in, and he showed up later.

    He’s had tantra training and can I tell you how great it felt to feel like I was with a man on my level? We met and hugged for so long, AND OMG IT WAS JUST LIKE MY DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT WE HUGGED AND HUGGED AND HUGGED for so long, he said, “This hug is turning into a standing cuddle.” Which made me giggle and snuzzle in even closer.

    Part of me felt a little judgey of myself because I wondered if I were being too masculine – and yet, I felt totally in my feminine power and he could feel it too. We kissed and I’m pretty sure I gave him a boner, haha. It felt so good, peaceful, blissful. Lots of sexual energy without feeling like IT HAD TO BE SEX RIGHT THEN.

    I felt appreciation for the wonderful experience I had created for myself (or co-created, or manifested, or allowed or however the heck it works.) I got exquisite attention, sensual affection, kisses, and nature.

    Yumyumyum
    happythankyoumoreplease 🙂



  120.  #120Sami Wunder on January 24, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    117 Azure, yes!! You got this diva !!! Xo



  121.  #121Dixie on January 24, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    115 and 117, Azure Blu and Millie….

    It feels so good to be reminded about my boundaries….every time I overstep them, I’m reminded that it feels unnatural. The best part is that I can say honestly, I’m overstepping them less and less…. Not perfect, but that’s okay. I’m still lovable when I’m not perfect 🙂



  122.  #122Emerson on January 24, 2016 at 5:06 pm

    106 indigo
    I feel scrunchy-faced and defensive reading this post…

    of course I am aware that desperation is not attractive and being grounded in myself is much better blah…this is obvious and I am aware of that. If only it was so simple.

    I feel thankful that you read my words and replied. I feel a little bit angry and defensive reading this post nonetheless.



  123.  #123Femininewoman on January 24, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    (((((((((((Emerson))))))))))))



  124.  #124Dixie on January 24, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    (((Emerson))))

    For me, when I read something, it’s really what’s going on in my headspace that frames how I receive the message….but I still feel happy that you put your feelings here because it reminds me that these feelings are SO common!

    I love indigos reminder that people will love us, regardless of how we feel. Take this moment, for instance. Your sharing makes me want to reach out and give you a huge hug because I recognize these same vulnerable feelings in myself and your openness feels so refreshing!

    The same feelings you mentioned in 94 definitely, definitely pop up in my heart, and sometimes I feel so surprised by the wave of cathartic tears that follow…. Just big heaving aching sobs. But I sink into it, don’t even fight them, and gradually I remind myself how far I’ve come, how much the grief has actually lessened. And my heart longs for the same things, dear Emerson, trust me…. Sometimes the doubt feels SO scary!

    After a period of great fufillment, I’ve been feeling a little lost lately… My running group has sort of disbanded a bit, I’m feeling a bit rundown at school with all the administrative nonsense, and overwhelmed with the workload. I so miss the days when D. would freely and lovingly just wrap his arms around me and stay awake…. But guess what? I remind myself that this, where I am now, is SO much better than where I was 1 year, 5 years, and even 10 years ago where I was a shadow of myself in a horrible marriage. I never thought I would love someone after my ex, and D was 1000x more than I dreamed of; I never imagined travelling by myself but I did! And loved it! Yes, I miss a partner, but I’m glad I didn’t wait for one before I climbed Machu Pichu!; and Emerson, I long for the day when I feel a mans strong arms around me every night, but until then, I have to remind myself that NOW is better in all its forms than Yesterday!

    I hope some of this encourages you, dear Emerson. This is all inside your heart…. And the heart can heal. Hugs to you.



  125.  #125Dixie on January 24, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    Emerson, on a more practical note…. Is it cold and wintry where you live? I find that the cold snowy winters here always seem to trigger an intense need for closeness. Not that the feelings disappear in the summer, but there’s something cold, blue and grey about the winter…



  126.  #126Mandy on January 24, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    I was so scared for some reason to talk to Valentine, I wanted to tell him I miss him and want to just see him and have him hold me, because I feel safe there in those arms and I’ve been through so much trauma lately. I was so scared to say it because it happens, I have anxieties and what ifs pop up in my head…

    But when I just broke down, and decided I should tell him, he said, “I do not mind at all… It’s nice hearing from you and that you think of me. I miss you as well.”

    Melted my heart…he also said don’t worry Love everything will be okay.”

    I told him it felt good to hear that and that I felt much better.

    Not bad huh, Sirens? I got comforted and it worked and I used my feelings statements! 🙂



  127.  #127Mandy on January 24, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Also said I’ll see him soon 🙂



  128.  #128Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    Yay Beloved 🙂



  129.  #129Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    Mandy – re coaching when you wanna shake someone 🙂

    The way I tried to do it is copy Rori haha

    She always seems to send out love first in a triggering situation… I think it has to do with pause first, then find compassion, don’t go directly to advice and how to

    Rori says stuff like, I just want to give you a big hug or “i’m sorry” first before she says and I just wanna shake you hehe 🙂

    I think it’s just practice and remembering to always go to love and compassion first before the advice part.

    I really noticed and super respect and appreciate Rori’s consistency with that skill.



  130.  #130Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    Millie – hehe you made my smile for welcoming me 🙂
    I feel happy you’re working this trigger so beautifully brave. powerful!



  131.  #131Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    Tee – hi 🙂 hehe yah I got that confidence in spades!

    but you know what I did NOT come to the blog with it haha 🙂 no no no… I learned it here !



  132.  #132Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Azure Blu – glad you liked it the pedestal thing, it’s a version of Rori’s ‘drop his status’ tool



  133.  #133Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:31 pm

    ((((((((((Mandy)))))))))

    sigh I can relate to trauma and feeling good bein held…



  134.  #134Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Yay Indigo for lovely love times 🙂



  135.  #135Daria on January 24, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    ((((((Emerson)))))

    I can relate, I don’t really have close friends to talk to, but for some reason I’m happy 🙂 ( when I’m not going through tornadoey trauma that is)

    at those times even not so close friends help, just a connection here and there

    but now in better times im Happy! 🙂 weird because what makes me happy is dates, and my confidence that I am just so awesome and I know men will/would/do want me…

    I’m like a “Super Jerk” in that I just get high on thinking I’m so amazingly attractive and stand out from other women

    lol im awful i just think im so much better ! but somehow this works for me lol and gets me laughing to myself all day long like right now hahaha 🙂

    I would LOVE to have close friends again, seems I spend years having them and then years not having them what a strange life…

    I really pined for them when I was feeling down, but now that I’m back up it’s not an issue…

    especially cuz I like the loving sex I’m having more often than ever (ok I wonder would I still feel happy without this? and I think I did still feel it lol as long as I was dating)

    so just keep dating and dating keep it BUSY i say. and work on that self esteem — I worked on mine through dating gianormously

    and really do second Coaching with Dominique… coaching just freakin Rocks to build happiness…

    when I have coaching I can’t wait to have my next session…

    coaching is like having the best friend ever



  136.  #136Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 8:44 pm

    Emerson 121,

    I’m sorry you feel angry and defensive reading my post. I was only trying to help.



  137.  #137Indigo on January 24, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Thank you Daria 🙂 I just can’t say enough how wonderful it is to be treated so lovingly by a man and to be so close naturally and organically.



  138.  #138Mandy on January 24, 2016 at 11:58 pm

    It is a wonderful feeling. Sometimes even just having a word like “Don’t worry Love, it will be okay.”

    I like it a lot. So sweet. <3



  139.  #139BeLoved on January 25, 2016 at 6:25 am

    I’m still blissing out over feeling so delicious yesterday.
    When I told him I felt mired in perfectionism and felt struggling to come up with a witty, flirty response, he said, “Honesty is hot.”
    I said, “Well, d@mn, I feel turned on.”
    He said, “I feel turned on now, too.”
    F*cking A. He asked if we could sit down and emmeneffing EYEGAZE for 5 minutes and set a timer.
    *Sigh*…
    So yum.
    So, so yum.
    So deliciously yum.

    I feel so happy with myself as well. He is fit and athletic, and I am …not. When I was standing by the gate waiting for him to arrive, a car passed by that I thought was him. I turned around and walked the other way, thinking he would get a chance to see that I’m fat and he can just drive by leave. Unconsciously, I started walking to hide behind some bushes, the the need to hide driving me. I caught myself and feel so proud of what a good friend I was to myself in that moment. “Get out there, girl! Be confident! BE CONFIDENT! Face this, you can do it! It ain’t no thang, get your swagger on!”
    And I did, I leaned back, put my energy in my hips and got my swagger on. And when I saw him we just fell right into that amazing embrace.

    Love love love love to me.



  140.  #140Azure Blu on January 25, 2016 at 7:28 am

    Wow so many Sirens having a good weekend!!
    I LOVE reading all the sunshiny, zinging energy

    Mandy… those are some warm, intimate words V
    sent your way!!!

    Beloved… so Extra Sireny that you were LOVING YOU
    Exactly as you are – Giving yourself – Unconditional LOVE!!!
    All the huggs (Just what You have been asking for)
    and kisses and eyegazzing… sounds sooo Yummie

    I too had an Amazing – 3 full weekend days with Spirit – and he was his Wonderful Masculine self…
    Dancing, cooking together, wild s*x and comforting warm cuddles!!!
    Party with friends watching football
    and Spirit brought up about relationship and this time I was ready with feeling messages…
    It was sooo Wonderful…
    I shared with him why i have agreed to exclusivity was because he was showing me that
    HE knows how to do a relationship and that I want a man that can lead us in a wonderful lifelong partnership and he is doing that!!
    He said “Really?” “I feel like we have both changed a lot and I love how it feels being with you!”
    He ALWAYS tells me how much he loves ME!!!
    sooo cute!!!
    More wonderment was said…. alll this intimacy was amazing and I was able to not lean too forward and stay in the moment.
    Yay Rori’s Tools!



  141.  #141luzydel on January 25, 2016 at 7:28 am

    I haven’t been here in a while. My dating life has been quite interesting. Now I feel the man I am sort of dating is either a narcissist or I am actually not allowing him to get in. When I drift away, he really comes back running, I have sometimes acted int he most insecure ways and he still doesn’t run away. However, he doesn’t move this forward either. I am guilty of pushing too much, of accusing me of many things, I get so trigger by the things he does. Am I pushing him away or is he just a narcissist who enjoys the game of hide and seek and the thrill? I need help to really back off and let him be, let him be the masculine energy and the strength to accept his decisions.

    I hit low a week ago and I thought he just had it, but then here he is still talking to me. I already communicated my needs, wants etc. Maybe is just time to start moving forward and let him be? I am loosing myself here…



  142.  #142Azure Blu on January 25, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Beloved…
    I want to remember what your date said…
    and use it!!!
    “Honesty is HOT!!!”



  143.  #143Millie on January 25, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Hi Luzydel!! Nice to see you again!!
    Maybe he isn’t moving forward because he feels your insecurity and emotional shifting? What do you think? If you felt grounded in ypurself, do you think he would feel more safe to come forward? He obviously seems to like you!!!! 🙂



  144.  #144Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 7:38 pm

    135 indigo
    Thank you, I realize your intention was to be helpful. i appreciate that.



  145.  #145Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    Thank you FW

    dixie thank you so much for sharing about your feelings an experiences, it feels comforting to read and I’ve read this posts 123 and 124 a couple of times 🙂 yes it is cold and wintery here and you have a valid point…it does trigger memories if cozy evenings with this or that ex and I feel a longing for that…gosh I took it for granted back then! It feels comforting to know that you fell for someone new!!

    Daria thank you for your words to me I enjoyed reading your post! You’re so funny and I like your confidence… 🙂



  146.  #146Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    Sirens I am good at my career and finding jobs/reinventing the direction of my work focus and being successful at mostly everything I try within my field…I guess it’s called “ambition”….with that being said I would like to remaster that ambition for the same success my love life!

    Ah but alas ….lol it’s a different story isn’t it!!! I know it is. But at least I know I’m good at something. I’m taking a vacation in April and I’m thinking about going somewhere tropical !!! By! My! Self!!



  147.  #147Millie on January 25, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    Emerson– did you read my post to you? What did you think/feel about it?



  148.  #148Millie on January 25, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    Sooo… heard from M tonight after a three day no contact. He apologized saying he went back home for the wknd. In the moment I didn’t feel anything really. He’s gone, he wants to be gone, so let him go. I was cordial and supportive of his choices and so far he hasn’t made any sexual passes or tried to see me. Apparently he’s “gone for good” after this wknd. Part of me wants to see him before then, but on the other hand, what does it matter? If he’s not choosing me, there really isn’t a point? I guess we’ll see. I’m ok with letting him show me…to see if he wants that, maybe he doesn’t and if so..so be it.



  149.  #149Millie on January 25, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    I’m watching the bachelor and am wondering how cool it would be if a modern siren was on this show and just out womaned all the drama and whininess.



  150.  #150Mandy on January 25, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    I just can’t stand it when I get lonely at night and I’m just….not knowing what to do.

    My friends aren’t in great contact.

    The loneliness is my biggest problem. I need to feel like I’m doing things.



  151.  #151Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 9:20 pm

    108 aw sweet Millie now I see it, how I missed it I don’t know but thank you! I feel intrigued reading this and I appreciate you sharing about yourself…



  152.  #152Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    (((Mandy)))



  153.  #153Emerson on January 25, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    Sirens I intend to be more mindful when I get home from working… I’m
    So tired I just go to the couch or to bed…
    As the weather improves I know that will change …



  154.  #154April Rose on January 26, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Ladies – does any of you have Christian Carter’s program Natural and Lasting Attraction? And if so, do you feel it is a good one?



  155.  #155Lovergirl on January 26, 2016 at 11:30 am

    So I just found out some kind of shocking news. Over the holidays my ex husband broke up with his live in girlfriend (they had been living together about 3 years). He moved in with his parents. Now, less than a month later, he tells me he may be moving in with a new girlfriend. No wonder he didn’t want to see the kids at Christmas, but I’m not sure how I feel about it all.

    It’s always nerve wracking to wonder what type of person he is going to bring around my kids and I know absolutely nothing about this person. His last girlfriend, had domestic assault charges on her record and an alcohol problem. She was nice to my kids, but her children were not good influences (they had been in and out of detention).

    I’m like okay, deep breaths, surely it won’t be WORSE this time? :/ Honestly, I could probably manage to never bring them down to see him again, because he doesn’t go out of his way to make it happen. I haven’t wanted to do that because he is their dad, even though my oldest hates him.

    Just lots of thoughts and feelings swirling around regarding this. Also, some anger that he manages to be in relationships, because he has forsaken most all responsibility for our 5 children, while I have it all on my plate. Ugh.



  156.  #156Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Emerson #145
    Ohhh… my! YES!! Tropical sounds so hot and sexy!!!
    by Your Self! :0))



  157.  #157Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    ((((Lovergirl))))
    that all does sound very scary for your kids…
    It is so disruptive for them to meet new women/men in our lives…
    I know *YOU* are VERY careful about that…

    My children’s father was NOT involved much at all for 25 years… out of state NO child support!
    Ughhh!!!

    But I loved raising them the way I wanted… although the strain was soo exsesive I still am exhausted from it!! and I only raised 2 children

    You are an amazing strong Siren!!!
    I hope you find support in your family/friends!
    oxoxo



  158.  #158Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    ((((Mandy))))
    Ohhh… i so remember how lonely nights get…
    especially after being with someone for so many years…
    When I was struggling with insomnia with the death of my fiance….I started doing meditation while I was laying in my bed at night… I just made one up for me…
    It worked like a magic potion…
    Id start at my head or my feet and just visualize all my anxieties going up in balloons or kites or whatever i wanted… sometimes I’d visualize floating in a remote small lake in the quiet, soft cedar woods… with dolphins (hey, it is MY fantacy!) moving me around, softly…



  159.  #159Femininewoman on January 26, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    April I had several of his interview CD, his book and From Casual to Committed. He rambles on and on a lot and talks a lot about psychological stuff. To me he seems to go round and round in circles like a dog trying to catch his tail before he gets to the point. His work seemed to complement Rori’s a bit but a lot of women on here used to react like he makes it all the woman’s responsibility to make the relationship work. He had some good concepts and great reading recommendations but geez. He could talk an like in riddles.



  160.  #160Femininewoman on January 26, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    CCarter

    Let’s try another example.

    Let’s say your guy doesn’t call and he’s 30 minutes late to meet you or pick you up. How could he do that and not call? If he had just called, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Why didn’t he?

    THINKING Statement:

    “You’re either dumb or insane if you think you can show up here 30 minutes late and not call and I won’t be angry at you. What’s your problem?”

    FEELING Statement:

    “I feel upset and confused because I don’t understand why you didn’t call.”

    Do you see how the two feel very different? One feels very offensive, blaming, and antagonistic. It actually raises the level of conflict, and creates tension and distance. The other one is an “opening” kind of question that actually allows for truth, honesty and promotes answers and understanding.

    Oh, and which one do you think a man will respond better to? Your thinking statements, or your feeling ones?

    I can practically guarantee you that a man will either shut down and feel annoyed or withdraw from you, or escalate things and get into an argument with you and not give you any understanding if you used the thinking statements in the above situation.

    But if you used the FEELING statements above, and you left space after them for your guy to say something…

    Very quickly he’d start to listen, explain himself, and either apologize or give you the understanding and respect you just wanted in the first place.

    But here’s a catch, and where most women mess this up even though they start out with their FEELINGS:

    Once you open up and admit your true feelings, you can’t keep going on and on about it. You have to allow time for a man to process what you just said, and not “rush” things just because you feel uncomfortable and want him to hear you and say something immediately.

    Most men – about 99.9% of them – do NOT move this fast from one emotion to the next. So when you try and take them with you on that ride, things will just turn ugly.

    This is just a small part of some of the secrets to inspiring a man to be an open and endlessly understanding partner to you.

    Step #2 for Your Relationship: Invite Love, Don’t Demand It

    Have you felt hurt or angry at your man and found yourself saying a whole bunch of things that started with: “I need. I want. I deserve. You should. You need to. You’d better”?

    If those phrases sound familiar to you, that’s because you were talking from the space of ENTITLEMENT. eaning, you felt like you were “entitled” or deserved to have your man do or say something to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.”



  161.  #161April Rose on January 26, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Thanks Femininewoman,

    It felt good in the last example you gave, to be reminded that men don’t process emotion as fast as us woman. Or move from one feeling to another as quickly. Giving a man time to process what we have shared… that’s something I have heard other male coaches recommend.

    Thank you for your response to me. It feels good. I feel heard, and supported.



  162.  #162April Rose on January 26, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    oops

    women, not woman!!



  163.  #163Indigo on January 26, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    April Rose,

    For what it’s worth I second what FW is saying and don’t like the way Christian Carter goes around in circles. I cannot read him whatsoever. I like direct and to the point, anything else frustrates me.

    If I want a guy’s perspective, I like Matt Boggs, Matthew Hussey and Chazz Ellis. They have all said things which contributed hugely to my confidence because they were so succinct and clear. But I don’t like to listen or read too much!



  164.  #164Emerson on January 26, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Sirens I’m listening to old music and went shopping for healthy groceries. Sometimes it’s the little things that make me hAppy



  165.  #165Emerson on January 26, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    For a long time there was something blocking me from feeling confident about career….now it’s coming more natural to me….
    Hopefully the same thing happens with relationships for me…
    I want to undo whatever it is that is blocking me….

    Sirens it pains me to say I want to keep my distance from two friends who are bitter towards men… It really kills my dream
    If romance and having faith in love ….

    It’s not a nice place to be



  166.  #166Millie on January 27, 2016 at 1:09 am

    Had a hard night tonight… Said goodbye to M.
    It started with him asking to mess around and me not taking him seriously. He said he may be leaving permanently tmrw and mentioned he’d be back to visit and to have sex with me. Mind you, I only actually saw/slept with him that one time. I told him right away I couldn’t agree to that arrangement. That I know the possibilities and can’t settle for less than I deserve. Not that I didn’t want sex, but I needed to be real about it. He understood.. I said that He was someone I saw myself being with, that I didn’t want to give up, but it’s time I accept it and let go. He said he isn’t worth it anyway and that he’s not an awesome person. And then I kind of back tracked and said I wanted to see him before he leaves. I started acting bratty because I he was saying he wanted to see me, but then kept saying he didn’t know. I already felt like if I said yes to anything he wouldn’t come. Which has been the pattern. I get why he didn’t want to come… I was flip floppy, saying I didn’t want friends with benefits then teasing him sexually, I was being cold and then hot, but so was he. It feels like a game. I finally just called him and he texted saying a “now ex” called and it’s ruined his night. He didn’t call back, didn’t really say anything after that and I just felt done, sad, frustrated, hurt that he said he wanted to see me and then wouldnt act on it. I just felt like there’s no way to turn this around. So I told him I was done. Done with whatever was happening between us, and done with playing this game. He just replied “sorry” and said he wouldn’t bother me again…. I replied “not unless you are ready to be the man I know you can be.” He said yeah… And I said good luck.

    I feel better standing up for myself, for being honest and articulating what I want and don’t want. I wish I could control my back tracking, my attraction despite knowing he’s not good for me. One minute I was saying no, the next yes… And I know that was a big issue for me. My strength fighting my desire.

    I feel sad.
    This person I really thought could have been my man, just showed me this side of him that made me realize… I am attracted to and longing for the man I met, the man I fell in love with, but this person in front of me now… I don’t even like. And I don’t like how I am as a result of it.

    I wish I could have inspired commitment from him, inspired him to want to date me again, but instead it was a mess. How can a man feel inspired by a woman who expresses her boundaries, and then disregards them when her desire for him overcomes her. The animal desire. I’m glad it didn’t happen though, that he chose not to come. Because I don’t think I would have felt good after…and perhaps he knew that too and didn’t want to hurt me. So he played around, with no intent… Knowing I didn’t truly want that. I don’t know. I wasn’t aligned with myself. But now it’s over.

    No more M.



  167.  #167Victoria on January 27, 2016 at 1:47 am

    Dear Millie,
    I am very sorry that you are going through this, which seems like a second break up. I know how much it hurts, I have been there. In the moment we are suffering, it is very hard to see the silver lining, and it sometimes takes a lot of time to be able to see that this was really for the better, but eventually you will know with your heart that it was for the better, this is how life turns up to be, ALWAYS.
    Please do not beat yourself up. There is nothing that you did wrong. We can not control other people’s reactions, or attraction to us, for that matter, it is far more complex than being the “woman “men adore and never want to leave”. There are no such women. For every living woman, there have been men who left her, and men who stayed, and men she left. Please do not give this whole thing more importance than what it deserves. Just get back on your horse.
    No one knows what the future holds. He might be in fact back some day, begging you to take him back, in a moment you could not care less about him. Or, you may never hear anything about him ever again. It does not matter what will happen, either way, you need to get back on your horse.



  168.  #168ruth on January 27, 2016 at 2:02 am

    Millie
    I know exactly where you are coming from right now. Big hugs and love to you
    Victoria, thats a really helpful take on it all.
    Thank you
    xx



  169.  #169Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 2:50 am

    Indigo though I don’t fully grasp what happened her I feel speechless by your post.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 2:55 am

    Sorry meant Millie



  171.  #171Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 5:10 am

    I have read C Carter’s work… I too felt like he wanted women to be upbeat and zippy for her man… Kind of like the 50’s version of relationship
    But he was the one that helped me talk about what I am looking for in a relationship, very early in the dating process…
    But it only worked for me because I have the Rori Tools!

    However I find Evan M Katz very helpful for me!!
    I love his male perspective on love and relationships…
    truly does go along with Rori’s concepts but a little different!
    For a man’s perspective I have Also watched Matt Boggs, Matt Hussey and found them helpful!



  172.  #172Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 5:44 am

    ((((Millie))))
    to me it sounds like you handled everything so well…
    It’s All Practice… for YOUR life and for YOUR Mr. Right!

    How different this separation is than the last time…
    He disappeared the last time…

    You are loving YOURSELF so much more now and honoring your boundaries…
    That you were able to sustain this painful and stressful communication
    This time you were both able to have a back and forth dialogue and discussion…
    THIS WAS A BIG CHANGE!!!

    I don’t think there are EVERY perfect good byes…
    But you got to have a good bye!!

    Pat yourself on the back, Millie,
    This was Awesome!!!

    I can feel how badly it sucks… how sad you are that he isn’t ready for a relationship…
    But how GREAT it is that you got a chance to see that more clearly!!!

    You could give yourself a big hug all day…
    slather yourself with your Love potion…
    Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how Brave and Beautiful and amazing YOU ARE
    and How much you LOVE YOU!!!!



  173.  #173Millie on January 27, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Femininewoman– what sounds unclear?



  174.  #174Millie on January 27, 2016 at 7:25 am

    Thank you Victoria, Azure, and Ruth.
    I cried myself to sleep last night, and just woke up feeling like a zombie. I feel horrible. I wish I could disappear into my sheets. But I’m starting coaching today– so I’m sure that will help and is very timely.



  175.  #175Mandy on January 27, 2016 at 8:14 am

    OMG.

    One of my best girlfriends just told me.

    The guy I’m dating totally followed her around one day. She was freaked out. I just had this same thing happen to me.

    Oh boy…Moral contradiction….

    OHHHHHHH boy. I feel so…..

    So….duped!

    I guess this sparkle and glitter surrounding the man we are into really is in our heads.

    GAH!!!!



  176.  #176Millie on January 27, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Femininewoman- I also feel curious about your speechlessness….if there is any positivity or negativity surrounding it?



  177.  #177April Rose on January 27, 2016 at 8:30 am

    ((((((Millie)))))))

    Sending you some supremely BIG hugs, dear siren.

    I know the feelings well. What I mean is, I know my own feelings of sorrow at the loss of a beloved man.
    It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself he wasn’t right for me, or it wasn’t meant to be and that a better man will come along. The sorrow remains, buried in my heart and popping up to floor me over and over.

    We all know the reasoning. But the pain is another animal entirely. It needs to be held and looked after and allow ourself to feel it. Feel into it and through it, and to the treasure on the other side.
    I only remembered this as I was writing to you here.

    So, thank you Millie. You are helping me to process my own heartbreak.
    Let’s be gentle and kind and forgive ourselves every moment of the way.

    ((((((Millie))))))) More hugs….



  178.  #178Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 8:38 am

    Millie the both of you did not agree that you were in a relationship again right? The one time you slept with him I thought you said you wanted to so you basically threw caution to the wind to enjoy the moment. No?

    So to me you were being hot or cold. You were just flirting in the moment. Even if you were being a tease. You weren’t flip flopping you were flirting. He did say from early on that he did not want anything serious.

    What I don’t understand is why you are making it out to be more than what it was? Why are you beating up yourself?

    You got to feel your sexual energy. You got to practice your flirting. You got to see what happens when you call a guy to come when he really doesn’t want to what happens.

    Then you got to really deal with your emotions after the conversation dropped. You got to be really aware and fully feeling your emotions. I feel like applauding you. I don’t feel any need to feel badly. There are so many lessons there that you can be grateful for and so much awareness about yourself that this man facilitated. It is a full out win win.



  179.  #179Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 8:44 am

    Millie – correction. You were NOT being hot and cold.

    You were willing to be brave to put your heart out there again. The most important thing I think that you want to be aware of is “where you were coming from”. What were your expectations and looking back what would you have done different to set your intentions for future.

    You’ve got to be willing to test the waters. You did and you got a little burn. THEY HEAL.



  180.  #180Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 8:46 am

    As some coaches say “those rejections are God’s protection”.



  181.  #181Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 8:48 am

    Mandy what does she mean by followed her around?

    Did you two agree on having an exclusive relationship?



  182.  #182Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 8:53 am

    Millie why would you want to control your attraction?



  183.  #183Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 9:12 am

    FW#177
    YES to all of those wonderful words!!
    “A full out Win win for Millie”!!



  184.  #184Millie on January 27, 2016 at 9:42 am

    Femininewoman– yes we were not in a relationship or dating, and yes the night slept with him was completely open and without expectations. It wasn’t a break up, more of me just putting an end to the circle we were going in. Neither of us able to freely give the other what the other wanted. At the end of the day, he didn’t want me. I couldn’t waste any more energy on someone who really showed me that.



  185.  #185Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 9:52 am

    Millie can I disagree with your “he didn’t want me” comment? It is the meaning that you put to the experience and the energy associated with those words that I believe is creating self-inflicted pain.

    He wants you, otherwise why would he have been playing with you. He clearly knows what you want now and he admitted to you that he doesn’t seem himself able or qualified when he said he doesn’t think he is awesome. He sees that your light is outshining his. He sees that he doesn’t have what it takes to keep up with you and doesn’t want to try. That is possible space for you to see him as a loser in the long run. He sees that and want to spare both of you that agony. He told you he cannot measure up.

    It is not that he doesn’t want you. It is that he cannot handle you He knows he is not the man for you so he is weeding himself out. He is not vibrating at energy level you are. He wants you and he knows he cannot handle you. It is human nature to want what you can’t have. Assume he wants you but realize the odds are stacked against him. He is stuck.



  186.  #186Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 10:20 am

    I can see why you feel the way you do and I also see it as a space you are in for creating miracles.



  187.  #187Dixie on January 27, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    FW 184 – I so agree with this:

    “It is not that he doesn’t want you. It is that he cannot handle you He knows he is not the man for you so he is weeding himself out…Assume he wants you but realize the odds are stacked against him.”

    Azure Blu – thank you for the virtual hug last night – it felt so cuddly to read that! I was just feeling so despondent and angry, like a 7 year old having a tantrum (which I was never allowed to do anyhow, lol!)

    To add to the CC discussion: I also like Matt Hoggs – his explanation of the effects of dopamine (in men) versus oxycontin (in women) felt like a huge lightbulb moment for me



  188.  #188Millie on January 27, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Femininewoman– I feel like wanting someone sexually, isn’t the same thing as wanting them. And I think him making negative remarks about himself is his “nice” way of saying “Im not stepping up for you.” He wants a lifelong relationship, just not with me.

    I feel so depressed.



  189.  #189Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Dixie #186
    Ohhh… I feel happy that my virtual hugs were a comfort!!



  190.  #190Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    Millie its a choice. You get to decide if you wish to choose the better feeling thought or not. Even if he wants a LTR he is in no place right now to offer it to anyone. His kinky experimentation comments alone the other day was a telltale sign.



  191.  #191Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    I was able to listen to Sami Wonders Telecast with Bob Grant…
    I’ve been very busy with work, Spirit and friends.
    so it took me 2 days to listen (I missed the actual telecast as I was with Spirit!)
    I did enjoy the topics that came up and Sami and Bob had some excellent points…
    I especially loved the suggestion Bob made to a woman who’s mother-in-law is hateful and demeaning to her…
    Bob and Sami agreed that she should say she will NOT interact with her M-I-L as long as she treats her that way…
    AND
    His suggestion is to BE on her Husbands’ Side…
    Tell him You understand that he can’t really do anything about his mothers actions.
    and in that way the M-I-L can’t come between them… They are a team… a united front!
    and it takes the disagreement away from the wife and her husband!! BRILLIANT!!

    I can see how that would also work with step children or anyone else!
    Thank you Sami for putting this together and sharing it with all of us!!



  192.  #192Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Yes Azure I was on the call and found it very good. I was very impressed too about that suggestion with the MIL. It seems sometimes things are so obvious but sometimes we don’t see it. I thought it was brilliant when he said she should agree with her husband that he can’t do anything. Talk about win win!



  193.  #193Millie on January 27, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    I know…I can choose what I believe.
    He has a profile on a fetish site… And I looked at it. The first thing he listed was he wanted a lifetime relationship. The first thing… I just felt devastated.

    I know I can choose..: but right now I just can’t. It’s too fresh and all I can feel is ache.



  194.  #194Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    I would think the only LTR he could possibly get is with that fetish.



  195.  #195Sami Wunder on January 27, 2016 at 2:23 pm

    190 Azure, you are so very welcome!! I am so pleased you found the teleclasses helpful !! With love, Sami



  196.  #196Sami Wunder on January 27, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    191 Feminine woman, thank you!!! Xo



  197.  #197Liquid Light on January 27, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Sirens,

    I just completed (and sold) a new sculpture! I can’t express how happy and fulfilled I am doing my art. It is absolute HEAVEN!

    Big smiles to all the sirens!

    LL



  198.  #198Liquid Light on January 27, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    Sami,

    Yes, I too loved the tele call the other night. I listened to the recording yesterday. Fantastic! Thank you so much for posting it!!!



  199.  #199Millie on January 27, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Touché Femininewoman!



  200.  #200Dixie on January 27, 2016 at 3:48 pm

    Millie, I don’t know if this will help you at all, but I’ll share in case you can find done insight here….

    Loooooong ago, in 2009, after I recovered from the divorce, I was dating a man who was brilliant, exciting, utterly devastatingly and teasingly handsome. Who was also VERY into kink with threesomes, couples etc. Because of the excitement factor and the fact that I was able to put my feelings on the shelf, we had fun, but I know he was torn underneath it all because he had a girl he had broken things off with. He wanted both: a lasting commitment but also the freedom to explore this side of himself. It was a similar outlet for me. I encouraged him to try to patch things up with her and perhaps share this side with her….. If that’s what he wanted…

    Fast forward to today. Although he and I are no longer in touch, I do know that they are now married :). What I see from this is that when I was with J, neither of us were in the heartspace to be in a real relationship, and we both knew that. We had mutual trust and respect so we were able to explore that side of ourselves. So to go back to what has been said here, men will often push the sexual boundaries with women that they are interested in sexually but for whom they do not have deep loving affection for. M may say he is looking for something lasting but his actions and remarks to you suggest that he’s not really ready in his heart for that, with anyone. Sexual chemistry is one thing, but for many men, showing tenderness and affection puts them in a far more vulnerable position than being on a fetish site.

    The best part is this is for HIM to figure out, not you. FW was right….. He has weeded himself out. It’s not YOU. And even if you said yes to his sexual invitation, it wouldn’t create loving feelings in him. Excitement? Yes! Thrills? Yes! Emotional intimacy? No.

    You deserve ALL the deliciousness of a man who adores you Millie, not just the interest of a man who’s sexually curious.



  201.  #201Dixie on January 27, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    And thank you Sirens, for making these boards feel so safe, in terms of sharing the deepest parts of ourselves, without judgment. What I shared above, my relationship with J, is obviously something I don’t share often, but here it felt safe to do so.

    Xx



  202.  #202April Rose on January 27, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Thanks for all the feedback about Christian Carter’s programs.
    My favourite male coach is Adam Gilad. I especially enjoy him when he gets all passionate about how men and women can inspire each other.



  203.  #203Millie on January 27, 2016 at 6:00 pm

    Dixie— thank you for sharing!!!
    I know the message well “he’s just not that into you.”
    Story of my life. Sorry I’m feeling bitter and angry.
    I want both as well. Sexual craziness and commitment.



  204.  #204Millie on January 27, 2016 at 11:35 pm

    Hi All,
    I’m feeling much better tonight. I feel like I was in such a negative state all day, I was unable to fully read, take in, absorb, and respond from my heart to all the wonderful responses and stories you Sirens took the time to write today. I was completely sullen all day…in a zombie like state. I guess my body was in shock. Why I’m not sure…

    I finally spoke to my mother about it. When I was driving home from work I had this urge to just drive to her, fall into her arms. I didn’t, but I called her. I am truly appreciative of our relationship. She didn’t judge or get mad–She told me I did the right thing and that this man is not worthy of her daughter. That as long as I do right by myself in the end, whatever transpired to get to that decision doesn’t really matter. What matter is that I have integrity for myself and can walk away feeling safe and following my heart.

    Victoria 167: You are so right in saying that what turns up in life is always for the better. That this happened to lead to something better. I guess I hold the idea of being a Siren on a pedestal, like if I can achieve that, then no man would leave me…I think I thought that for a long time, but I see now that it isn’t me. I’m a siren for myself, not for a man. Thank you for saying that there are no such women.

    Ruth 168: Thank you so much for your hugs and understanding. It feels wonderful to receive.

    Azure 172: I want to slather myself with your wonderful and supportive words!! Your enthusiasm and vigor always inspires me. Thank you thank you thank you

    April Rose 177: Thank you, I am wrapping myself in your hugs, let us share the blanket together.

    Femininewoman– I always appreciate hearing your take on things, because it usually is so different from what my own voices are telling me. With some time I agree…your post 185. Wow!! I feel so amazing and bright and shiny reading this. Earlier I was so stuck in my own head, unable to process anything. I totally agree with you here and choose to believe this. In whatever way he wanted me…ultimately he is admitting he isn’t good enough. That is his own to deal with and he knows it. Clearly has his own work to do…as he really is an unhappy person, or at least loves to project himself as tormented by life. He posted a d*ck pic on this site…and I felt really surprised to see that. So public…I guess that also really reveals his character and what he’s looking for…kind of ironic that it’s even on the same page as the words LTR. As open minded as I am, I would not be interested in anyone that posted a picture like that, regardless of the site, but then again…are people really looking there for relationships? lol

    I’m curious- What miracles do you see in this space?

    Dixie: I’m sorry for being so negative earlier. I really appreciate you sharing your story and experience. It is very valuable.

    Does anyone know where I can hear a recording of Sami’s teleclass?



  205.  #205Victoria on January 27, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    Millie,
    The man you are describing sounds to be somewhat troubled emotionally, and he probably has his very deep personal reasons for his confusion, which, for whatever reason he did not share with you, so you are simply lacking information and you are making his reactions about you,
    Your M. reminds me of a guy I once knew who is the kinkiest man I ever met who wanted to practice things which were way out of my confort zone (and most people’s) who was at the same time a nice and sweet person, who was also living with a woman who he did not love but could not want to leave because of some very noble reasons, and he also wanted/hoped to find the love of his life one day. I had a very brief encounter with him, but we kind of befriended each other at some point, he felt like a sad and injured child to me. And, he met another woman, and fell madly in love with her, I was his confidante at the time, he was just madly in love and did not get into any of the kinky things that were on his mind. Then, she refused to have a relationship with him because she said it is impossible for her to date a man who lives with another woman. He was truly devastated, but he would still not leave his live-in girlfriend, and was getting more and more into his crazy ideas as a kind of a drug to placate his own pain. To cut a long story short, I think I was very lucky never to get involvded with someone so confused… And I feel sorry for him and for the pain he is causing to himself and to the women who meet him. But at the end of the day, we are responsible only for our own well being.



  206.  #206Millie on January 28, 2016 at 12:31 am

    Victoria– I actually feel like he was pretty clear with me about the logic behind his decisions for not pursuing a relationship. They were just that, logical. It is/was clear that no feelings existed that would have allowed a different decision to be made. Yeah, I agree I have a habit of making things about me, but in hindsight I really do see how this is about him and really has nothing to do with me and my self worth at all. He has a lot going on, as he’s always told me. I have a bad habit of internalizing rejection and making it about my ability to keep a man interested, which isn’t healthy and I really don’t want to “go there” anymore.

    It’s interesting you bring up this man in your past, because a similar thought crossed my mind…that his kinkiness is proportionate to the difficulties he is having in life. I wonder if it can be compared to an addiction or type of self medication. Hmmm. I completely agree that we are only responsible for ourselves!



  207.  #207Victoria on January 28, 2016 at 12:37 am

    Millie,
    I am pretty sure that extreme s*xual experiemenation works the same way that drugs work on your brain. It produces a high, but then the brain gets used to effect, and demands higher doses.



  208.  #208Sami Wunder on January 28, 2016 at 1:14 am

    197 Liquid Light – So awesome to hear from so many of you that you loved the tele class! Thank you!! 🙂 Xo



  209.  #209Sami Wunder on January 28, 2016 at 1:16 am

    203 – Millie. The access to the call was supposed to expire yesterday but since many women requested I have decided to keep it open today for one more day.

    Here’s the link to access it –

    http://samiwundercoaching.com/be-the-woman-men-fall-for-masterclass-with-sami-wunder-bob-grant/

    Password – iamadiva (I AM A DIVA – all small letters, no spaces).

    Enjoy and let me know how it felt. Love, Sami xo



  210.  #210Mandy on January 28, 2016 at 1:26 am

    Oh my goodness!!!!!!

    Valentine JUST bought for me….a symbol of commitment of our own flavor….

    To us, this particular piece of jewelry, It symbolizes I am his and he is mine.

    I am FLOORED. Ecstatic. On cloud nine….



  211.  #211Indigo on January 28, 2016 at 1:32 am

    Millie 203,

    Whilst it is wonderful and necessary to have good self-esteem and to see our value and love ourselves in a healthy way, I do think we have been sold a myth that there are certain women who are “prizes” that no man would ever be able to leave, and that every man automatically wants to commit to. Maybe it’s our celebrity/supermodel culture, maybe it’s done to sell make up or products, but it’s absolute bullcr*p.

    Regardless of how you’d like to spin it, there are men who are incapable of committing to anyone. Because they’re too young/not ready/have emotional baggage/lack relationship skills or some combination of these. That your man, M, was one of these is absolutely beyond doubt in my mind. I know several guys like this. And it’s no good trying to figure out what they’re all about, because while they may not be bad guys, they’re essentially full of cr*p for your purposes. There is stuff for you to learn, yes, but none of their inability to have a relationship has anything whatsoever to do with you, or any woman for that matter.

    Likewise, there are men who ARE in a place to have a real relationship too, and there are still things for you to learn with these men, but you will have to do very LITTLE to inspire them to want to be in a relationship other than exhibit the sort of qualities that men who are looking for a relationship, look for.

    Bottom line: you cannot inspire a man who is not ready/able. All you can do is work on yourself, and trust that the man who is right for you will find you.



  212.  #212Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 5:14 am

    Liquid Light #196
    CONGRATULATIONS on the sale of your art!!!
    That is fantastic….
    What medium do you use and what was the piece about?



  213.  #213Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 5:16 am

    Millie #203
    Your Siren melody sounds so warm and more grounded today!!
    Your vulnerability through out this is inspiring…
    oxoxo
    Time is on your side!!!



  214.  #214Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 5:18 am

    April Rose #203
    Ohhh… you are so right. I too really enjoy Adam Gilad!
    thank you for the reminder!



  215.  #215Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 5:22 am

    Mandy #209
    Although I feel happy at your smiling post
    I am feeling concerned that you are setting yourself up for less learning and growing
    especially after just getting out of the relationship with J.
    My feeling is -More Cding and no commitment
    would be the way to go to continue your journey of self esteem and self love!



  216.  #216Femininewoman on January 28, 2016 at 6:24 am

    Millie it is my belief that when you start clearing out especially energetically you create space for miracles. For months your energy was tied to longing and wanting to know. The pining and the longing is now gone. You felt the heartbreak and embraced it. Your heart is now free to fly to any heights it can imagine. That my dear in my mind is setting yourself up for a miracle if you dare to believe in the benevolence of the Universe.



  217.  #217CurvySiren10 on January 28, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Indigo~ 210. Awesome post. And so true. And also worth noting that we often buy into the belief that there is something we can “do” to be inpsiring like look a certain way, wear certain things, have a certain body type….reality is, true soul attraction is almost never related to any of those things and yet society continues to perpetuate that message over and over and over…it impacts our thinking sometimes more than we even know, not even on a conscious level sometimes. Very sad. I love this message you wrote.

    I love how you said “but you will have to do very LITTLE to inspire them”. I would say you have to DO nothing, except be yourself and the rest will just happen, almost effortlessly with the right person/situation.

    Lots of love to you. xo



  218.  #218BeLoved on January 28, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Yummy guy from Sunday hasn’t called or texted after that night. I keep rolling through urges to analyse my last text to him, to figure out “why”, to validation-seek, to get the Sirens’ opinions, to FIGURE IT OUT and to FIX IT. I did get some advice from my roommate and I feel resistant to acting on it, mostly because the urges to text him to ‘fix’ it feel so crawly and bad, they feel fear based, and when I sit with my head in my hands and feel the “don’t know” of why he hasn’t called, I feel sparkling rushes of luminous energy that feels uncomfortable.

    I feel like crying. Is this really ok? To let go, resist obsessing, and not try to ‘fix’ this?

    There is a voice that says, “You can’t say the wrong thing with the right man.” Another voice says, “The universe is my supply, there is always more. The guy is just the universe in disguise and G0d is in control, I don’t need to worry about it.”

    I feel crawly fear deep in my gut and more tears rise in my throat. I notice thoughts about it only being one date and too much invested in one date. My imagination is going into overtime and what I feel I need to do, is get on my horse and focus on my life but I feel afraid because WHAT IF I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!

    I hear a gentle voice again – there is always more. There is always more. Don’t worry about it, there is always more.
    I am safe.
    All is well.

    I am smiling and feeling more peaceful and at ease now 🙂



  219.  #219Starla on January 28, 2016 at 7:59 am

    ((((((((((beloved))))))))))



  220.  #220Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 8:09 am

    ((((Beloved))))
    Brightly Shinning Siren!!!!
    YES
    Stay on YOUR horse… YES… there are MANY more
    It’s ONLY been 4 days…

    MEN love it when we have that mysterious
    degree of difficulty!
    THAT is how you will hear from HIM…
    YOU DO NOT WANT TO CHASE *HIM* (away)
    and he doesn’t want YOU to chase *HIM* either…

    Who knows why…. You have YOUR life…
    And YOU want a man who YOU can Shine brightly
    Just as You are!!

    What I do is – Do NOT text, call or email this guy!
    ONE date…
    stay on Tender, online dating, Cding the world
    How I do this is
    Now I know the feeling I like…
    and I got kisses, hugs, cuddles
    for THAT night…

    MEN love it when we have that mysterious
    degree of difficulty!
    THAT is how you will hear from HIM…
    YOU DO NOT WANT TO CHASE *HIM*
    and he doesn’t want YOU to chase *HIM* either…
    oxoxo



  221.  #221BeLoved on January 28, 2016 at 8:37 am

    thankyouthankyou Azure Blu and Starla!
    I remembered I had an email from Sami Wunder about this and she was describing exactly how I was feeling…like I might DIE if I don’t fix it 🙂

    I’ve got my homework all laid out, working on it, listening to some delicious music. Singing about feeling Happy and Satisified and feeling super happy that TG was hanging out in the kitchen chatting with me for a bit.

    Focus on me. My life. I am irresistible.

    I am safe. Oh, geez, I just want to cry, I wish it would bubble up. I know I know I KNOW I can’t chase those yummy feelings and that attention, it ends up feeling yucky and gross and I feel like a junkie.

    I am safe, I am safe.
    It’s so funny, I don’t understand why I feel all of this sensation in my heart and it seems like a transitiony feeling, like instead of dramatic highs and lows like I used to feel, where I would crash from feeling ecstatic to a horrible everyday reality that I hated, I’m feeling the in-betweenness. Surfing instead of crashing.

    I really, really love and appreciate how the universe has guided me so far, with gentle bunny slopes and guys I have gradually liked more and more, haha.

    Happythankyoumoreplease!



  222.  #222BeLoved on January 28, 2016 at 8:50 am

    I have a sticky note up on the wall in my room that says “Urgency barriers” which reminds me to sit through those feelings of “I MUST ACT NOW OMG OR DEATH AND UNIMAGINABLE BAD THINGS”.

    Invariably, when I breathe through them, 5 minutes later I wonder what the heck the big fuss was about.



  223.  #223Femininewoman on January 28, 2016 at 9:39 am


  224.  #224Femininewoman on January 28, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Lilybelly hope you are okay



  225.  #225Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Beloved… #217 & 220
    Ohhhh… I read that post that Sami Wonder has on her web site…
    I feel soooooo warm and calm when I read it and she gives 1, 2, 3 steps – on exactly how to help pull ourselves out of it!!! She’s GREAT>>>

    From the post you wrote…
    I’m remembering these very feelings I would get with my last bf-2 yrs ago- and many before him…
    EXTREME anxiety to DO something… and *I* would..
    Chase and Chase… I would beg and beg to hear from them…
    It was physically painful – my heart was breaking, my head was racing… I was sooo frightened to be abandoned and rejected and ignored…
    I was like a junkie!!!!
    Everytime this would happen with a boyfriend
    I would STOP dating for Years at a time it was
    soooo Extremely Painful

    my little girl must have been triggered
    from when
    my mother/father would withdraw love (the little that they could give) from any minor thing I would do
    that they would consider horrible, sinful, bad… or just because!!!

    Ohhhh… darling Azure… I love YOU… I will always Love you… and I am learning NOT to withdraw *MY* love or abandon YOU ever!!!

    Because of all the wonderful Tools that Rori and her coaches have taught me
    these episodes are not as Extreme
    and because of the chorus of beautiful Siren songs
    here on Siren Island that support, comfort and love
    ME
    I *LOVE ME* more and more everyday…
    Sooo grateful and blessed by Mother Earth and HER Universe!!



  226.  #226Starla on January 28, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Yes where is Lilybelly!!!



  227.  #227Mandy on January 28, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Azure, I appreciate your concern but don’t worry about me I’m CDing and I know what I’m doing. I just wanted to share that a mans energy is totally coming towards me and I wanted a high five for it is all. Lol. Don’t want worry. Just encouragement 🙂



  228.  #228Millie on January 28, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Beloved– I feel curious what did you say to him that triggered your anxiety and urgency?

    I noticed within myself too that ” going to die” feeling. With M, I would stand my ground and speak my boundaries then once I felt like I lost him and may never see him again i would change gears into sex mode and chase mode, to keep him talking to me I think. And also because who doesn’t yearn for that closeness with someone they care about? I felt like a scale, the needle going crazy from one side to the other, one extreme to the other. It’s a crazy feeling. But at least the needle stopped in the right place.



  229.  #229Millie on January 28, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Femininewoman– yes I welcome a miracle.



  230.  #230Azure Blu on January 28, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Mandy!!!
    Ohhhh… good for you…
    YES!!! High five super Siren!!!
    How lovely to get jewelry!!
    Nice!



  231.  #231BeLoved on January 28, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    Millie – he texted me just when I got settled in to really getting some homework done. I had fallen into 3 hours worth of distractions and finally was at my desk, present and focused. I told him how good it felt to hear from him and that I needed to focus on my project, that I was available MWF after six and generally didn’t text during the day.

    He didn’t say okay or anything, just nothing after that.
    Which, initially, because I WAS focused on my project, I didn’t mind and I expected I would hear from him in a few hours or something.

    So, I started second-guessing whether I was too abrupt or harsh or communicating I didn’t have enough time for him or for a relationship and yadda yadda yadda.

    Well, of course after I got back on my horse and got on with my day and totally forgot about it, I got a fun and flirty text from him. I TOTALLY squeed and jumped up and down, I felt SO PROUD of myself for feeling my way through to the point of forgetting about it. I was mentally high-fiving myself, haha.

    Now, back to my horse and my homework…!



  232.  #232BeLoved on January 28, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    Azure Blu – thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel comforted, seen, encouraged and supported. <3 <3 <3



  233.  #233Lotus on January 28, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Hello dear sirens, it’s been a while. It’s great to see that many of you are still here! 🙂

    I’ve seen some snippets and see that a lot has happened whilst I’ve been away, so many discoveries and adventures in love, moving on and healing it seems! So delighted for you! Azure Blu, Indigo to name but a few.. :))

    So it’s been nearly a year of having my lovely D in my life and I’m about to apply for my decree nisi with my ex.. and I feel I need some siren wisdom to help me along!

    When I was using RR’s tools, I wrote down how I’d want to feel and the kind of things I’d want to happen in my new relationship and the qualities of my new man – and I’d say pretty much all of it came true rather quickly – so I felt as though I manifested D! I’ve had major sparkles for the past year and it’s been great!

    He is very thoughtful and kind, a very lovely man who cherishes me and wants the whole shebang with me, you know marriage and kids. I feel very lucky to be with him, although I’ve been finding myself missing the protective masculinity and certain traditional values that my ex has. We have talked about the future and partnership, and I’ve been feeling ‘turned away’ from him on our views. I want to be with a man who feels it’s his duty to provide, I’m happy to contribute but don’t want to have that expectation to give my money up. I want to bring children up and be the mother I want to be, and not worry about getting back to work or pay bills and the mortgage.

    I’m not sure how to talk about this with him, as when we have done, we seem to disagree, and we get upset, he has said that I’d be selfish if I’m earning money, as partnership is more about contributing equally and that he can’t do it by himself. I just feel worried that I will be put under pressure or feel disappointment if I’m not earning enough money to contribute. I want my partner to try to provide, because he feels it’s his duty.

    So my question is this, how do the sirens particularly in happy partnerships/marriages see it? What works? So here I have a very lovely man with more modern views, and I don’t judge him for it, yet I question is he the one for me, or am I able to be more flexible in my view on a partnership/marriage that balances the feminine/masculine roles and energy?

    Hoping I can feel more relaxed about this, and find a way through with D.



  234.  #234Lotus on January 28, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    Would be great if anyone has any links for this subject of ‘feminine relationship with money in partnerships’ that are akin to the work we’ve been doing with RR and Dominique. It seems to be a bit of a stickler with me..



  235.  #235Cutie on January 28, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Hi Lotus,

    I’m a little confused … are you saying you want to keep working but don’t want to share your income or are you saying you want to be able to stop working and stay at home as a wife / mother?



  236.  #236Millie on January 28, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Beloved– I’m so glad to hear that!!!!

    Sami Wunder- I so loved listening to your tele class!!! Thank you for sharing the link and extending the access. I really resonated with the two biggest mistakes women make. At first I cringed not wanting to hear them, but then I laughed because I was just telling my cousin that I feel afraid to get mad and doubt myself. I feel so glad to know that not tolerating poor treatment is so huge and I feel like I can clearly see the issues I have. I also really loved the part where Dr. Grant said women need to express their joy in what a man does with as much vigor as when they do something that challenges our boundaries. Praise goes a long way.

    Thank you!



  237.  #237Millie on January 28, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    I had an interesting idea for a tool…

    As much as I think M is not worthy of my time or attention, I still care about him. Despite him being so dramatic about his life, being unable to cope with problems, his overwhelming negativity and callousness, just plain rudeness, I care about him. I don’t want to “do” anything to change how I feel, but I also don’t want to carry these feelings anymore. So, I was thinking of picking an object and transferring my feelings, my care, my worry, my concern…the last of my desire…to this object. This object will hold my care, the tenderness I feel for him that I cannot give and will not give. It exists, but not inside me anymore. Maybe this object can serve like a worry doll.



  238.  #238Millie on January 28, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    Geez what is wrong with me



  239.  #239Victoria on January 28, 2016 at 11:54 pm

    Millie,
    I don’t think anything is wrong with you. You are doing perfectly fine processing your sadness and disappointment by writing here. This is why we all are here.
    Your idea about your worry doll is not a bad idea, except that I would favor a living creature instead of a doll. When I have had periods when I really wanted to chase after my man, I take all this chasing and overfunctioning energy and direct it to one or more colleagues at work. I usually pick a man to whom I have zero physicall attraction to (plenty of them at my job, lol) or any woman from the office. I become super nice, sweet, giving, complimenting, just engage with them. It is an exercise, and has done wonders for me at work, I think I have become much more likable ever since I started doing that. If I need to do it over extended periods of time, I change the subject in order not to freak them out.



  240.  #240Victoria on January 29, 2016 at 1:00 am

    Lotus,
    Some men believe it is their duty to provide, and they want a stay at home wife who will be devoted to the family and not work outside of the home, but will pretty much do all the housework and childrearing. Other men, who are more modern, do not feel they have an obligation to provide, and they would be happy to see a woman contribute as much as she can to their joint expenses. These men are more likely to be more actively involved in child rearing and sharing chores. It is highly unlikely to have a man who is both a 100% provider, but is also a devoted father and shares the house equally (I would venture to say that where I live, if the man is a 100% provider, his involvement in the house chores is bound to be 0%).
    I would dare to advise you to think very very carefully what type of a man you have, and what are the advantages and disadvantages of his attitude. What I have noticed is that men do not change by request. They actually hate being told what to do and how to be. He might change eventually some day, for his own reasons, but he might end up not changing ever. So basically, you need to decide can you live with him as he is, even if he would not change.



  241.  #241Lotus on January 29, 2016 at 1:04 am

    I would like to not have the pressure to share my income especially if it’s low. I want to feel that security in building a home and family with my partner. I would be happy to contribute if I’m earning enough. I guess I just want my partner to want to look after me and be happy with a smaller home by being with me. But he has aspirations of wanting a nice big home since his sister has done well, and he can’t do it by himself. And it leaves me thinking I don’t want to look at others, what about just us?

    Now I feel more uncertain about the future, if I will be signing up to feel this pressure in order to be with D. When we’ve talked about it, he says we’re jumping ahead a bit talking about all this, but I said these things matter and better to talk about it now than later. As my new full time job went back to part time in just one month, he seemed more worried than me. And it left me feeling more upset as his reaction had an effect on me.

    And I’m wondering if I’m too in my head.. and not feeling as relaxed with him as thoughts of future – whether our views are aligned – are feeling stuck inside me and I don’t want to bring it up again as we get upset! I guess I just feel a little unsettled, which is why thoughts of ex come back (the way he looked after me), and then I remind myself of how badly he was capable of treating me, and really how lovely D treats me.



  242.  #242Lotus on January 29, 2016 at 1:15 am

    Victoria – the thing I know for sure, is that D would be a devoted father and husband. He is already a devoted partner except we don’t live together yet. I’ve also seen how he is with his niece, and just how much thought he puts into doing things with me and his loved ones.

    He has said that if his salary could do it all, he would happily do it, but he wants us to share our resources to achieve nicer things, which he feels is fair. And that’s what I’m trying to feel through – since my ex resented me for not earning and contributing enough, so we could achieve that, and in the end after his affair, and losing me, he would rather have me and have no money. So I just don’t want to live the same life again, the truth is that I feel scared I wont earn enough to make a substantial contribution, without compromising the type of job I want.



  243.  #243Victoria on January 29, 2016 at 2:09 am

    Lotus,
    I think the bigger question is, when you have children, will you work or will you not, and if you will work, how soon after having a child you will go back to the work force. This is a really important question, but only you know whether or not you are at the relationship stage where this is discussed. As you are not yet living together, it is probably too early.
    If you are seriosly considering him as a potential husband, you will have to negotiate this at some stage, otherwise it will bring resentment in both of you down the road if you have different expectations.
    Otherwise, I think that is great that he says that if his salary allows it, he will take care of everything. I guess you can trust him on this one, and bear in mind that times are tough, and he could also be in a position to be without a job or with a part time job, no one is immune from this.



  244.  #244Sami Wunder on January 29, 2016 at 3:01 am

    Millie – Thank you!! So glad you loved the tele class 🙂 And please don’t beat yourself up!! We are all here because we’re learning ….

    If you feel inspired to get more regular free support, I run a private support group “Wunder Divas” on Facebook. Love, Sami



  245.  #245Mandy on January 29, 2016 at 3:12 am

    So I guess what I mean to say in Siren speak is I got the “ring”!!!

    Now that my depressive fog has finally lifted and…I can see clearly now the rain is gone, lol…Did you hear that? I’m no longer feeling sad living alone 🙂 Honestly, truly, I didn’t think it would stop. I really didn’t!

    Bear with me…the proverbial “ring” is the point I’ll come to…

    But lately…by LETTING myself have a melt-down or an emotional sort of purging, the truth of everything has come out of me. In sadness it’s the perfect opportunity to realize you’re being authentic, I mean how can you not, sadness is not easily hidden and somehow…it’s the most harshly felt emotion for lots of us. (ME…definitely.)

    Rori spoke of Gwyneth Paltrow, in which she was in a film and she was so depressed but she was being herself and through her sadness she attracted Jake Gyllenhaal.

    Well this happened to me recently.

    Through my depression and traumatic thing that have happened (being stalked, breaking up with J, living alone for the first time) I just broke down. I know I mentioned this before, but…when I broke down people who care couldn’t help but step forward, and Valentine did the most obviously….I actually…for some reason, not to try to “get” him, but because I missed him, was sad from the stuff that’d happened, and FELT I really wanted his soothing words…so I told him I had just kind of collapsed and broke down and cried, I missed him and his arms because I felt so scared and traumatized, and I wanted to just hide my face in his chest. He told me he’s glad to know I’m thinking of him and that everything will be okay and i can “put my face in his chest and hide” soon, lol. (I have also been great about my feeling messages and leaving him be when he works hard or is stressed, and definitely have my own world going on, so I have been on track feminine-wise.)

    But I felt so much heart energy coming from him. My intuition tells me by doing that he appreciated me coming to him and just being totally honest and asking him for a little help and letting him know that I think of him as a capable man, so I trust him enough to break down like that and hear me kind of have a cry, and hear how very awfully much I felt the sadness and fear. I sense a whole lot he appreciated it and was feeling that heart energy too.

    I was wondering when he was going to do this, because he kept talking about it like a man talks about a promise ring, but he finally bought me something to wear around my neck, which is the sign of someone in a BDSM (or in my particular case a D/s) relationship, he as my Dominant. That is the equivalent to an engagement ring, in the community.

    Now, let me make myself very clear…he is not my boyfriend, nor is he my husband.

    This is something different, even though the same rules apply to attracting him as a man. A Dominant (in mine and many cases) is a mentor, a teacher, someone to help you grow and learn and get through emotional issues through training. (He did this professionally in L.A., and I decided I wanted to come to him for his aid, after I’d nearly lost my sexual identity in my last relationship.) Everything that happens between the two people in the D/s relationship is consensual and discussed beforehand, and much nurturing is given following a session (play or intimacy).
    People in D/s relationships fall in love and are very close, and it has its own symbol/brand of commitment, but I’m still single and not in a “vanilla relationship” (I do not have a boyfriend), and I am still Circular Dating. However, I apparently triggered in him what it is that makes a man give a woman something like a ring.

    Do you follow me? LOL! I got the “ring”.



  246.  #246Zara on January 29, 2016 at 6:21 am

    Millie

    Message from the Universe (theuniverse at tut.com)

    “Expecting and preparing for their very best behavior – in terms of respect, love, kindness, and wing-a-ding-dong – guarantees nothing. But it does maximize your chances of getting it.

    And if you don’t insist that such behavior come from a specific person, my hands will be free to find you what you prepared for, or better.”

    xxx



  247.  #247Starla on January 29, 2016 at 6:57 am

    Lotus, I don’t have any answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to your feelings. I don’t ever want to stop making money one way or another for an extended period of time — generating income is part of who I am and a point of pride, but I am terrified of settling down with someone who has the expectation on principle or out of greed for nicer material things that I work outside of the home just like he does in addition to raising children and homemaking. It’s one thing if it is necessary because life happened and medical bills need to be paid or something like that, but another if it’s just because he would resent me or wants a bigger house to “keep up with the Joneses” as they say. Raising children is work in itself and Divine work at that, and I am terrified to end up with a man who doesn’t see that, or figures that because his mother worked and raised him that I should do that too. My current guy grew up with a lot of family around but here in another state it is just us. I don’t want to end up with a guy who denies me the ability to BE A MOTHER and expects me to put kids in daycare that costs half my salary anyway. Or worse, decides that I can make more money than he can and so he wants to stay at home to raise our kids. Please please please, universe, I beg of you not to do this to me… I want to raise my kids, I want to be a mother…

    I’m so scared =/

    He and I have talked about this and he said as long as we’re doing okay financially he is happy to be the provider and I can be the homemaker (and he also knows that I will always have a drive to make some money). But to be totally honest, I’m not totally convinced he means it. Probably because I’m so scared of getting trapped in a situation where I have to do two full time jobs of raising children and working a career, or worse – have to give up being the mother and hand that over to him while I go to work 40+ hours a week. That would break my heart and I’d probably resent him beyond repair if it went on for too long. I currently work very hard and long hours across 2 jobs and now I’m going back to school on top of that, so he knows I’ll do it.

    I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

    Please please please don’t take advantage of me.

    Oh goodness, ladies, I am full of fear! He is a wonderful man and I don’t want to feel this way toward him.

    We were zooming towards marriage but slowed it down. I suppose it’s a good thing we slowed it down. I would like a more confident idea of what I’m really signing up for.



  248.  #248Azure Blu on January 29, 2016 at 9:09 am

    Lotus #241
    Have you shared this with him?
    “I feel scared I wont earn enough to make a substantial contribution, without compromising the type of job I want.”



  249.  #249Azure Blu on January 29, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Sirens…
    I am very much enjoying the financial descusions going on here today!!!
    It feels soo important and a big topic in todays’ world.
    Now that both men and women are capable of making the same amount of money…
    Many men WANT to be very involved in the child rearing

    I want to think about this and have a script for what I want financially and ask Spirit what his thoughts are about it…
    Ahhh. the melodies that are soo luscious
    on Siren Island!!



  250.  #250Azure Blu on January 29, 2016 at 9:19 am

    Zara #245
    Mmmm…. love this!!!

    “Expecting and preparing for their very best behavior – in terms of respect, love, kindness, and wing-a-ding-dong – guarantees nothing.
    But it does maximize your chances of getting it.

    And if you don’t insist that such behavior come from a specific person,
    my hands will be free to find you what you *PREPARED* for,
    or BETTER.”



  251.  #251Millie on January 29, 2016 at 10:50 am

    Victoria– thank you! That’s a great suggestion!

    Zara– I love love love this idea!!!!! Of being prepared!! For the best to show up!!! Instead of thinking about the negatives or expect their behavior never to change. Not insisting or asking, but knowing what I want exists and trusting the universe!

    Sami– thank you!! I will check your group out!



  252.  #252nyx on January 29, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    @ Lotus and Starla

    apologies in advance if I misunderstood anything. I do live in a country where men and women aren’t equal, but close to.(Listening to people from the US, I think that housewives are more common than here- they were here as well, but 20 years ago) I lived in a marriage where my husband expected us both to work and both to share household chores(and he, nor I was aiming to keep up with the jones’s- we just wanted to get by and spend our time in a more meaningful way). And I’d say, that not much is sexier than deciding on friday night dinner together, go shopping for it together, clean apt together, then cook together while making out, eat, talk, have sex, All the more since he wouldn’t leave the dishes, the cooking, the laundry and the floors to YOU. Rather preparing the dinner while you put makeup on and handing you a drink, while you’re planning which sexy lingerie to wear…
    This is what I want, again. I’d trade the “I support the household while you vacuum” anytime for this. Just overlook what your instincts tell you about “dominating- male” and nothing is sexier WHILE loving than this.



  253.  #253nyx on January 29, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    @ azure 247
    This is just perfect 🙂



  254.  #254Zara on January 29, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Lotus

    Starting at minute 82 of the following recording, Dr. Pat Allen talks about personal bank accounts and joint bank accounts.
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-121115.mp3

    xxx



  255.  #255Starla on January 29, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    Well i am lucky to have a man who doesn’t say away from chores and cooking. Very lucky!!



  256.  #256Starla on January 29, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    Shy away**



  257.  #257Emerson on January 29, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    Sirens I’m looking forward to the weekend and having time to catch up on personal chores! I have a lot to do and I feel overwhelmed but I feel grateful to have the weekend to take care of washing my car, getting my taxes ready, pay bills,clean my house and do some pampering!!



  258.  #258Dixie on January 30, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Funniest thing sirens,

    I’ve been so focused on work lately, and as of the past few days, I’ve been having the most wonderful, vibrant and vivid dreams….

    And all this time, I’ve been wondering if I’m good enough, doing enough, etc., and this week, so many students came by to ask if I’ll be teaching the upper level courses next year because they want to be in my class again…it was the sweetest and most affirming feeling ever, because I know I’m a nice but firm teacher! I feel so motivated today….

    And everything at work with my colleagues has felt so smooth and easy during exam time, the most stressful time of the school year! We’ve been laughing, keeping each other motivated, having such good professional discussions that the ennui I was feeling a while ago is quickly dissipating.

    And vitamin b12. Hurray for that! It’s made an enormous difference in my energy levels which were lagging for no reason before!

    And I’ve been just practicing being soft on the outside with my family and D, and what a difference. I loved being in masculine “doing” energy with him, but now I’m realizing that staying in the receiving mode is far more effectve. He’s been acting crazy sweet, asking to see me, and rearranging plans and being reassuring….

    I’m not leaning forward one ounce anymore, and the gremlins are quiet these days.

    I don’t know if he’s the one anymore. I’m beginning to realize that this is really all about my journey and for the first time in a long time, the feeling of that realization is sublime.



  259.  #259Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 7:43 am

    nyx…
    lest you get confused… :-))
    Here in the US the majority of families have 2 working adults…
    In the 60 and 70’s we women fought hard for this!!
    Although we still only make 70 cents to every $1.00 a man makes (the Equal Rights Amendment was never passed)

    I remember when I was growing up in a household where my mother stayed at home (although she had graduated from college with a degree in teaching)
    how miserable I thought I would be if I didn’t have my own career and so I made sure I got my degree in something I love!!!

    I so agree with you about how happy and flowing it is to have someone who shares things like chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping… my late fiance and I shared all of that (we did have a house keeper…) effortlessly…
    In the past both my ex’s would not help with most of the day to day… it was left to me and I became resentful… and neither wanted me to work???!!!

    And how unfulfilled i would have been if I didn’t have my career (which I LOVED) while raising my children!!!
    (which I LOVED)
    and how much my children learned from My having a career!

    In the past 20 years, any man i have dated and have talked about the future with… are all expecting I will be bringing income with me (and now -Social Security and hopefully more). I LOVE IT!!!



  260.  #260Zara on January 30, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Lotus *****I’m not sure how to talk about this with him, as when we have done, we seem to disagree, and we get upset, he has said that I’d be selfish if I’m earning money, as partnership is more about contributing equally and that he can’t do it by himself. I just feel worried that I will be put under pressure or feel disappointment if I’m not earning enough money to contribute. I want my partner to try to provide, because he feels it’s his duty.*****

    When I am in a relationship, I keep being an “I”, the “I” who cocreates the “us” together with “you”. If I let the “I” die, there is nobody left to cocreate the “us” with “you”. The relationship ends up dying too.

    Financially, it is recommended that each party A and B keeps being an “I” and so each keeps a separate personal account for each’s own personal money (My Money) and they share together another account for the couple/family/relationship money (Our money).

    The amount of money put monthly with no failure in the “Our Money” account is to be negotiated together and is the money needed to pay the couple’s unavoidable bills such as mortgage, electricity, house repairs, food, insurances, etc…, kids’ expenses, schooling, etc…
    They also negotiate together the “Us Money”, which is the money for fun shared together. (Trips together, restaurants together, movies together etc…)

    Say they both decided that the “Our Money” account should be fed 3000$ each month, no matter what.
    Say A earns 3000$ a month and B earns 1000$ a month.
    So it means A earns 75% of the couple’s income and B earns 25% of the couple’s income.
    Therefore, each month A will put in the “Our Money” account 75% of the monthly input (= A will put 2250$) and B will put 25% of the monthly input (= B will put 750$)

    Nowadays, A could be a man or a woman and B also could be a man or a woman, but say A is a man and B a woman.

    That leaves A with 750$ a month to put in his “My Money” account and it leaves B with 250$ a month to put in her “My Money” account with no need to ask each other what they can use it for ( like a trip with friends without the spouse).
    By the way, the special time out with friends have to be negotiated beforehand too. You know, if you know you will go mountain climbing once a year, you have to let him know before you marry him and to negotiate when. Same for him.

    When either of you need personal money because your “My Money” account is empty, you can NOT take from the “Our Money” account to compensate. You wait for your next pay check to get in. The respect and stability of the common account is the mirror of the respect and stability of the relationship/family. In real emergency, if you will take money from it anyway, you sign a loan agreement and you put the money back with interest.

    So, as your personal income fluctuates up and down, you keep calculating your input in terms of percentage. It is not about equality but about equity. Things must feel “breathable” to each party.

    If A falls in love with B who makes 25% of the total of both their incomes, so be it, he knows he will have to pay 75% of their shared bills.

    If what A wants is to pay no more than 50%, then be it. Let A find a woman who makes equal money he makes. Why not? But they both need to be clear on that before they get emotionally more invested and hoping to raise babies together.

    If B makes 0% money of the total of both their incomes and A marries B, then be it. A knows his life will not be financially uplifted and even more he will spend more than ever with a wife and children under his total financial responsibility. So wether A will be left with money for his “My Money” account so he can keep being an “I”, depends on his own income only.
    Is his income even enough to feed the imaginary 3000$ a month into the “Our Money” account? Will he have to lower his expectations for the “Our Money” account, in order to keep B? It’s his choice, as long as it is said clearly and negotiated before marriage and making babies.

    In any case, it is his choice. Don’t count on changing his vibes about money and marriage. He wants what he wants.

    Do his wants fit your wants? This is a question I would invest energy on when I am still single.

    So, what do you want? Knowing that being the party that inputs 0% in the “Our Money” account, kind of implies your “My Money” account stays empty. Is giving up being an “I”, what you want?

    Some men do negotiate an amount of money they will put into their wife’s “My Money” account. But again, these men do it because they want to and because they can afford it and they are clear about it during the engagement weeks. No need to walk on egg shells with them about your want if what you want is to focus on educating your family and be paid for it.

    You have to be clear on your want in order to be heard and therefore noticed by the man who wants and who can afford the same thing. Whoever he is. May he be the man you are dating today or may he be a new man.

    xxx



  261.  #261Zara on January 30, 2016 at 9:52 am

    B
    “Honey, is now a good time to share my dream about my life as a mother?”

    A
    “Yes”

    B
    “I see myself leaving my job to be a full time mother and focus on our family and our home and feel grounded and happy when you come back home.”

    A
    “Oh? That sounds good, indeed. I feel sad I can’t participate in your dream. I don’t make enough money to pay on my own the bills for everybody.”

    B
    “Well, in my dream we rent a two bedrooms flat, and the kids go to public school, so really your salary would be enough.”

    A
    “Oh! That sounds more like a night mare to me than a dream! In my dream, we own a comfortable 4 bedrooms suburban house with garden and 2 garages. And our kids go to sport and art clubs all year long and we take them on holidays twice a year. And I take my old parents around regularly, I owe them that much.”

    B
    “Hmmmm…. That’s a feel good dream too. Yet I feel anxious your salary does not cover for it.”

    A
    “I know! So my wife will share the expenses 1 to 1. We’ll be equally responsible for our family bills. And she will pay her own bill like her car just like I am paying for my own car.”

    B
    “Oh? What if she wants to be a stay at home mother at least the 2 first years of the babies’ life? Will she have to give her car back?”

    A
    “She can’t be a stay at home mother. If she does, we’d have to sell out and down grade our style of life. I am not doing that to my babies. I want a comfortable life for them and me.”

    B
    “I feel anxious. What if I can’t make enough money to pay 50% of the bills created in your dream. What if I can’t emotionally handle to work in something I don’t like but pays the right money for your dream. I feel drained just thinking of it now. I feel sad thinking of dropping my own babies at a stranger’s home at 6 in the morning just so I can go away to make money to pay for 2 garages. I feel depressed already.”

    ________________________________
    => Either A answers:
    “Well, I certainly don’t want you to feel drained and depressed. I think we’ve hit a wall here. I am not the man who fits in your dream and you are not the woman who fits in my dream.
    When I step in your dream, I feel limited and drained out of my money, I don’t feel happy and I want to be happy.
    When you step in my dream, you feel drained and anxious, you don’t feel happy and I want a happy wife.”

    And B says:
    ” Ouch! This feels painful to hear but rings true!
    Sometimes, the man in my dream lives your dream of a bigger life but is rich enough to pay for it himself while I raise our family and when I realise you can’t be that man in my dream because you don’t make the money it takes, well then the man in my dream becomes a man with the same income as yours but he is happy to build a much smaller life with me. Then I realise “smaller life” does not belong to your dream, so I go back to dreaming of a man with a bigger income, which is still not you. I am making myself dizzy trying to fit a peg in a hole while circling around in my own dream.
    It feels sooooo painful to hear we just don’t fit in each other’s dream, but I thank you for helping me stop that ruminating.”

    ________________________________
    => OR A answers:
    “Hey, Babe? It’s just a dream. I’ll adapt to reality. I love you and as long as you contribute with your percentage equivalent to the percentage of money you make, I will feel respected and be more than happy to pay for the rest. And yes, I would prefer you keep bringing your financial percentage with no failure, but I can see how it will work better for our family if you stop working when our children are little. We’ll find a way when time comes to find a way. As long as we keep together, we’ll keep strong and smart. We won’t be short of ideas to pay bills and at the same time let you be the mother you want to be.”

    And B says:
    “Awwww… Darling, this feels so soothing to hear. I feel reassured we’ll create a good vibes family. Of course I will always contribute my financial percentage! As small as might be. Mathematics are magical! I feel happy and trustful! I love you.”
    ______________________

    xxx



  262.  #262Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Zara…
    VERY helpful~ eye opening… heart empowering
    Thank you!



  263.  #263Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 10:59 am

    Dixie…
    Great reminder Vitamin B’s!!!
    AND *I* focused…
    and soft, warm, receiving from me
    Opens all hearts!
    oxoxo



  264.  #264Lovergirl on January 30, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    I just boarded a plane, on my way to see mr millionaire. He is flying me to where he is doing business for the week (just for tonight) and going to take me out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Im excited! I feel like a princess. I get business select seating and am one of the first people to board the plane. I love traveling. So looking forward to seeing him!

    I plan to try and practice some of my tools. Thats what this guy is basically for anyway (well, that and the incredible sex and fun adventure). Hes soooo incredibly masculine. Ive never met any guy quite like him. Its fun! 🙂



  265.  #265April Rose on January 30, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    Zara,

    I am floored in amazement at how you put that scenario together.
    If I was Lotus, I would prit the whole thing out and give it to my man to read.



  266.  #266Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    Lovergirl!!
    How fun…
    I love how you are bringing this adventure
    all about YOU and Your fun!! :-))
    and practicing!!
    I feel happy that you will be pampered
    You so deserve that!
    Enjoy!
    oxoxo



  267.  #267April Rose on January 30, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    ‘print’, not prit!

    Rori, I wish it was possible to edit our own posts!



  268.  #268Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    April Rose,
    What a great idea to break the ice…
    because money and finances is such an anxiety causing subject…
    Print it out to share with your man…
    I will remember that!

    I have pasted and copied all of what Zara wrote into my archives!!!



  269.  #269April Rose on January 30, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    My my.
    I’m feeling smiling at how times change.
    A while ago on this very blog I was judged and warned against making a friend request to a married man on Facebook (he was my childhood sweetheart, and no I didn’t follow up in the end).

    Now we’re celebrating a woman flying to see a married man for some steamy uncommitted sex!!

    I still feel smiling. No judgement from me here. I happily support another woman’s pleasures. Stuff morals!!



  270.  #270April Rose on January 30, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    Azure,
    Yes, I wish I had had Zara’s scenario to show my last boyfriend. He called me a gold digger, simply because I didn’t want to pay for dates!



  271.  #271Tereana on January 30, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    Helooooo, ladies! (Sirens)

    It has been a long time. And even though I thought I didn’t “need” the blog up until now, today I think I need you.

    First off, Emerson, I saw your post about “what would it look like” if your hear opened? (#10)

    And what I’ve been thinking lately, for myself, is that now, whenever I feel as if my heart is “breaking,” I’ve decided to reframe it and to see it as my heart “opening.” I’ve often heard people say that the heart “breaks open.” And I believe this is true. But I feel like leaving out that “breaking” part altogether. To even say that it “breaks” is to imply that it is fragile and that it can’t be put back together, and/or that afterward something is fundamentally wrong with it and it won’t work properly.

    And I believe I have been just as subject to all these thoughts and socializations as anyone else.

    But for now, for me, I believe that that pain is maybe more from stretching and expanding. Your heart might hurt. It might be excruciating. But it’s just fine and it’s doing exactly what it was meant to do. It might even tear and bleed. But those will heal. That might just be the function of your hear opening. And it might not always hurt. But it might always be a little uncomfortable, as it stretches you into new areas of yourself you haven’t been familiar with yet.

    I’m not even sure if that addresses what you were asking, but that’s what I was thinking lately. How does that resonate with you?



  272.  #272Azure Blu on January 30, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    April Rose #269
    I really don’t like the term “gold digger”

    I’m sure there are many women who are looking for the stability of a man who is doing really well…
    Both my husbands were very well off…
    Not why I married them…
    In the end their LOVE of making money was VERY boring – and of course it takes two to cause any relationship to fail…

    I do feel safe and stable with a man that can make money but there is SO much more…
    as we all know!



  273.  #273Tereana on January 30, 2016 at 7:39 pm

    Ok. The reason I jumped on tonight was because of something that happened with a new man. I met him on the train a while back. We had a kind of missed communication – I had told him about a dance thing I was going to. He showed up by himself, and I felt awkward, because I was actually there with another guy. I was there with “Unicorn” man, no less (who turned out to be a terrible catch, but I don’t want to get back into that right now).

    Anyhoo. I recently just texted this other guy recently. I suppose you could say it was reaching out, making the first move. But anyway, he responded. I wanted to know where he is living right now (he moves a lot for his job). Turns out he lives pretty far away. But then he was talking about coming to visit me. We’ve had a little bit of back-and-forth about this. And today, he was talking to me some more. He called me, and we were on the phone for quite a while.

    At one point, I took a break, and was going to call him back. Meanwhile, I sent him a short video of something I had done recently. And then, in the few minutes before I called him back, he used information from that video to look up a lot of stuff about me. He found my facebook page, which apparently was not private, and it was supposed to be (which I have now fixed). He read stuff about me that I hadn’t been ready to tell him yet. And I felt very invaded.

    To tell the truth, it is not entirely his fault that I felt invaded. It was certainly partly due to Facebook changing their settings all the time, to where my having previously set my page to be private had been overridden and I hadn’t realized it (I guess they do this on purpose). But I also let the man know that I didn’t feel good about him looking up all that information about me. All I had wanted him to see was that one video. I had not given him an invitation to see more information about me, even though it might be available online. And the way I choose to put myself online is my business. The way that he came across to me, as he was telling me what he found, was almost like an admonishment. Like, “Hey, you’re online presence is not secure. You should do something about that.” That was the tone he had with me. And in truth, I did want my facebook page to me more secure. So I guess it is good that he found it.

    But I was just so taken aback. He is much younger than me. But he’s open that he likes older women, and the age is not a problem for him. Which is nice. He clearly wants to please me. He apologized for looking up my information, and he sounded very genuine in his apology.

    But I had to take a break. I excused myself to go eat dinner, but I felt in shock. That has never happened to me before, and I didn’t (and don’t) quite know how to respond.

    Was this a genuinely disrespectful thing that he did, or just a misstep that I can forgive him for? Is he really going to stop looking up my information? Can I trust him not to cross my boundaries without asking in the future?

    Because this is what it is about, for me. he said that I had “made a mistake” in sending him that video. And maybe I had. But I really just wanted to show him this thing I was proud of, and which he knew I had done anyway. Maybe I was fishing for a compliment. It certainly was not an invitation for him to go poking into all of my online profiles.

    I feel better now. I have recovered and I will go to sleep soon.

    I don’t know this guy well, but he seems nice and smart and genuine. And he is seriously considering making the long trip to come and see me. But trust is a big thing for me. And it’s hard for me to trust people. I don’t want there to be any cracks in that surface. And now, the way I felt was betrayed – I entrusted him by sending him that video. And then he betrayed that trust and made it my fault by telling me that it was a “mistake.” And yet I was not the one who used that information to look up lots of other things about me. It felt inappropriate and I felt violated.

    What do you guys think? My emotions on this are confusing me right now, so I think I could use an outside perspective…..



  274.  #274Tereana on January 30, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    In #270 it is supposed to say “heart” a couple of times where it says “here”…



  275.  #275Indigo on January 30, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    April Rose,

    I feel deeply uncomfortable with even indirectly condoning a relationship with a married man, one of the reasons I am not on the blog so often any more. And I don’t mind saying this.



  276.  #276Indigo on January 30, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    Curvy Siren,

    I feel so glad you liked my post so much! Thank you!

    Lots of love to you xx



  277.  #277Indigo on January 30, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying the most wonderful relationship with M. He is the most gentle, gentlemanly, sincerely caring and warm affectionate person I have ever met. And that’s not to say he is boring and dull either… He is good looking and strong and does lots of masculine outdoors sports and is just so masculine competent too. I feel totally safe and secure and loved. Happy heart <3



  278.  #278Tee on January 30, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Uh oh, I hope we’re not condoning sleeping with married men on here.
    I don’t think that would be very Siren-like 🙁



  279.  #279Zara on January 31, 2016 at 1:44 am

    It reminds me a Rori’s post about married men and toxicity.

    The toxicity of the situation is pretty clear from the get go.
    The man does not tell you he is married => it implies lies in every conversation he has with you. A liar is Toxic.
    Until you catch up with the fact that he is married. It’s all a mind game. Toxic.

    He does not tell his wife he is taking money and time and energy away from her and away from their children to give them to you => He is lying. Toxic.
    He does not tell his wife he is taking sexual risks by having intercourse with other people => he is lying. Toxic.
    He is forcing his wife to take the same health risk through him, without her knowing it => He is abusing his wife => Toxic.

    A liar is toxic and when I stay in a connexion with a liar, well I am toxic myself. I participate to lies.

    I poison myself.

    And even when a wife knows, the married man is emotionally unavailable anyway. Practicing intimacy with him is a trick to make sure there will not be real intimacy. I make sure to shoot myself in the foot when I keep away from practicing with available honest men open to real intimacy. I love the pain in my foot. Makes me feel alive. Can’t feel alive through my heart, it’s shut down for the season. So, in the mean time, I play shoot myself in the foot.

    Being avoidant, staying away from the roads to intimate connections. My mind is lying to me pushing me towards liars and toxic situations where I can NOT be number one, probably because my mind misread a past trauma and thinks intimate connections are dangerous or too expensive emotionally. It makes me believe I can’t afford them. Intimate connections are places I must stay away from. Seems logical then I should be entangled with liars when I lie to myself.

    xxx



  280.  #280Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 4:10 am

    ((((Millie))))

    I read about your hard night with M. I’m so sorry. 🙁

    What stood out to me about that was when you mentioned he said he was not a great guy. Rori says we should take men at their word. He was probably giving you an accurate self-assessment. He probably knows how great you are, and on some level, he is doing this for your benefit, because, as a guy, he ultimately wants your happiness. You are not feeling happy right now, perhaps. But a similar thing did happen with me not too long ago. And I felt attracted and wanted more. But I knew he wasn’t good for me long term. So it was a “rejection is protection” moment, much like this.

    It sounds to me like you fell in love with his potential. But that is a lot different from moving a man as he is Right Now.

    (((Hugs)))



  281.  #281Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 4:12 am

    *loving a man



  282.  #282Zara on January 31, 2016 at 4:33 am

    Tereana *****What do you guys think? My emotions on this are confusing me right now, so I think I could use an outside perspective…..*****

    *****Was this a genuinely disrespectful thing that he did, or just a misstep that I can forgive him for?*****
    Neither. Not disrespectful nor a mistake.
    I do the same. When I get something from a new person and there is something there that might lead me to more informations, I follow the clue and I get the informations. It is healthy curiosity. It’s called showing interest. And checking where I am going to step next.
    You handed the clue to him. It lead him to a public information. I never feel I am trespassing somebody’s boundary when I read a page open to the whole world to read. Why not me then? Why would I be the only one not reading it? It does not even occur to me the person does not want me to read it. I even think they put it out there because they need to be seen and I feel I am being friendly complimenting on or asking about something they took the hassle to write for the world to read.

    *****Is he really going to stop looking up my information?*****
    Remember, telling a man off for being who he is, is counterproductive and telling him what to look for or not is mothering. Masculine energy. It’s controlling behaviour.
    He will do what he will do. None of your business as long as it is not illegal. The guy did not break into your house to look for informations. In such case you would not tell him to stop either anyway, you would tell the police. THEY would tell him to stop.
    Keep grounded in yourself. You don’t want him to read things, good. Take action on your own bridge so that he can’t read them. Stop putting them out for the world to read them. Delete them or change your page settings if you can. And let him read whatever is there to read through his own computer, on the Internet that is universal. Let him surf freely in his own life as he should.

    *****Can I trust him not to cross my boundaries without asking in the future*****
    He did not cross your boundaries. His mind naturally worked things out from a thing you gave him yourself and lead him to pages open to the world to read. You did not draw any boundary, nor was any usual social boundary there that he could recognise. Like a purse he would have to open to read a note. Or a front door he would have to break to read a note. Or a “friends only” tag. There was nothing to signal him a boundary to not trespass. He did not mean to be seen as a trespasser. He must feel awful that this is the image you get from him if he experiences himself as a good man.

    *****he said that I had “made a mistake” in sending him that video.*****
    Yes, he tells the truth, considering you did not want him to see the clues you put yourself in the video. He is being clear and logical. If you don’t want a person to know your name or your alias on a site, don’t put it on a video you are sharing around. He is in his male “fix it” mode when he points out where the mistake was to start with. He might want you to learn from this experience for your own safety.

    *****certainly was not an invitation for him to go poking into all of my online profiles.******
    In your mind it was not an invitation. But on our part, when we receive all these clues we do feel free to visit around. We think it is open day in some aspects of your life and we just received an invitation to visit around. We think the person is an honest open-book like type of person. We feel good about it and we accept the invitation. I have had the case when dates expect me to find out about them by browsing around Internet. It makes it easier for them, it saves them from repeating over and over the same lines on what they do and where etc… And they feel good to be seen through what they have chosen to show the world. There was no way this guy could guess you made a mistake and that you don’t want the world to see you without the world asking for the permission to see you. You sent him the clues yourself and the pages were open to the world to see.

    *****The way that he came across to me, as he was telling me what he found, was almost like an admonishment. Like, “Hey, you’re online presence is not secure. You should do something about that.” That was the tone he had with me. And in truth, I did want my facebook page to me*****
    Masculine “Fix-it” mode. Lucky you. He found out the safety you crave for is not real in your life. He found out the usual boundaries people do have in their life seem to be unknown to you. And he told you so which is the opposite of abusing you. He pointed at a lack of boundary for you to act on it and become more secure.

    *****To tell the truth, it is not entirely his fault that I felt invaded. *****
    It is not his fault at all.
    I remember writing a note for myself, really silly note supposed to be unseen by the world. Only to find out years later it was open for the world to see! I felt very very very bad. I felt naked and stupid. I felt exposed and betrayed. But I did not project the feelings on the potential readers. I felt embarrassed they had read it, but they had no idea it was not supposed to be read by them and they had no idea what was in the note until after they read it. So they had no way to know they should avoid reading it. There was no way I could project my feeling of betrayal on any of the readers. I felt betrayed by technology and by Facebook, I felt betrayed by my scatter brain who forgot to check my settings although my mind does know settings change regularly and one must never rely on them for too long. I was upset at me for writing anything personal on line in spite of knowing anything on line ends up seen by someone who should not see it. I was upset at my own lack of respect for my intimacy.

    xxx



  283.  #283Indigo on January 31, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Zara 278,

    I agree with you.

    Practicing “intimacy” with a married man is like practicing being on a diet at a cake buffet.



  284.  #284Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 6:19 am

    Sirens,
    I am confused about it being said that the “Rori Blog” in general is condoning sleeping with, having dates with, CDing, married men…

    Maybe a couple of Sirens have said to Lovergirl, go for it as long as SHE knows he’s married and Knows NOTHING can come of it…

    As Zara has shared… Rori has posted many times that married men are Toxic and one way we may be avoiding true intimacy…

    As each of us explores our journey…
    Practices loving ourselves, learning and growing…
    Isn’t it our Siren, Goddess way to listen to each other’s melody
    as we share our authentic vulnerable selves
    and cherish this innocent heart we all have…?

    and express how this or that may NOT be the Rori way.
    The guidance that is offered here is invaluable to all of us…
    We don’t all agree on everything
    and that is what makes this Island sooo helpful
    supportive and dynamic!!!



  285.  #285Lovergirl on January 31, 2016 at 7:13 am

    I will say I am feeling a bit confused about his marital status. He made several comments this time about his “ex”, his concern with a childcare option she had chosen for their child and some decisions she had made that he thought were dumb. He even said “that’s why I left her”. The picture I saw of him with a wedding ring on and her family was right before we met though.

    Another thing that is confusing is that he said he was in China for the past few weeks but tinder had shown him as being close by. I assumed I was being lied to but on this trip he was complaining about having to haggle for prices on everything in China.

    Its confusing. If he is a liar, he is a very good one. Yet, ive seen things that contradict what he says. It has me questioning if I could be wrong and paranoid and just untrusting overall (I know I have massive issues with trusting men ).

    Anyway, the visit was wonderful. He took me out for a delicious seafood dinner and we had mind blowing sex. He is sooo good in bed! Im at the airport waiting to board for my flight home.



  286.  #286T-Girl on January 31, 2016 at 7:16 am

    Tereana, I don’t think what he did is wrong at all. In fact, I admire the fact that he told you about it and in a way was protecting you letting you know you weren’t secure. In this day and age, I think the first thing we all do is Google someone once we have their name. And if things pop up in Google, we are going to look.



  287.  #287April Rose on January 31, 2016 at 7:16 am

    I feel strange and sad.

    I want to support each woman , wherever she is on her journey to happy-ever-after.

    I feel judgements uncoiling in my mind. My mind wants to stipulate what is good or bad, right or wrong.

    And so… what can I do when I feel this way?

    I can take the feelings back to myself and my own journey. I look for the clarity in my own life, when I read another woman’s posting. It helps me to hold firm for what I want, and to not even entertain the thought of accepting what I don’t want.
    I would only want to be flown business class and taken to a fancy restaurant by an available man who had his big heart set on winning me.
    I don’t want to put time or energy into men who are unavailable, or incapable of a deep, intimate, lasting, growing relationship with me.

    Thank you for helping me to see this ever more clearly.



  288.  #288T-Girl on January 31, 2016 at 7:17 am

    Lillybelly, thinking about you. Hope you are ok.



  289.  #289Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 7:34 am

    Lovergirl #285
    Sounds like a relaxing lovely time with MM.

    Ohhh… gentle hearted Siren… can you ask him?

    … When I am Cding men… one of the first questions I ask (especially if I haven’t met them online)
    “Are you married… and/or “Do you have a girlfriend.”
    Sometimes I have left this question out for too long and realize i need to bring it up… no matter how long it’s been since our first date…

    It’s never been a problem to have that conversation
    and THEY know that I am VERY protective of MY heart!!!

    Why not just ask him? Share with him what you found online… Everyone looks up people they are beginning to date online… to find out about them…
    It’s NOT nosy or invasive…
    I have found…This is an intimacy building conversation
    In the 21st century, when we are dating men from all over…
    the safety of the community is no longer much of an option… so we all look online to fill in some blank spots… and then we know the questions *TO* ask
    Too bad if he thinks your nosy…
    As you have shared… This is your time to practice asking the difficult questions… to stop the toxicity for YOU…
    to stand up for YOUR innocent heart…

    I have found… when I started standing up for ME
    I was no longer so vulnerable to the deceitful and toxic people



  290.  #290Lovergirl on January 31, 2016 at 7:45 am

    Azure- he told me at the very beginning that he is NOT married and that women often think he is. He also shows great contempt for liars. I’ve seen evidence to the contrary about his marital status so its confusing but I don’t feel like making accusations or confronting him. I enjoy my time with him and I don’t expect anything to come out of it.



  291.  #291Dixie on January 31, 2016 at 8:15 am

    Lovergirl….

    I also want the best for you and to support your journey….after all you’ve been through, it would feel so lovely to be with a man who cherishes you! And yes, masculine energy can be such a turn on!

    I wonder if there’s a way to ask, as Azure suggested, by using a script? The only reason I feel curious is that it’s such a great opportunity to practice using a feeling message. It could open up a door to even more emotional honesty….and for me, that is always a wonderful feeling!

    He is treating you in a masculine way that feels good, which is wonderful to read about, so even sharing that feeling with him is a winner. If I felt confused about such an issue, then I agree with Azure, I would share my confusion, say that I wanted to understand because I really liked him, but needed his help in understanding the issue.

    If it works out, great, but if he gets angry, distant, defensive….well, it’s still great practice. Besides, if he IS the kind of man who likes to make you happy, this may actually bring you a little closer

    For me, asking, using the tools of course, is a win-win.

    (((This post is meant with both affection and support for you.)))



  292.  #292Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Lovergirl…
    Ohhh… i remember now that you had said he had mentioned he was NOT married…

    I agree with Dixie…
    Your confusion about his status certainly needs to be honored…
    when I started sharing more of my concerns about certain things with Spirit… in a feeling message way-
    the closer he felt to me!

    All my support and love for you…
    I’m so glad you got pampered and hot sex with a masculine man!



  293.  #293Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 8:36 am

    I certainly am missing many of the Sirens that are no longer posting here…
    wondering how
    Kim & Labbit, and many others are doing?!!
    LovetoDance… victoria…



  294.  #294Starla on January 31, 2016 at 8:43 am

    Hi ladies, this is a little random but I wanted to share somewhere. I see how i take everything oh so personally and i do a lousy job of listening sometimes because I’m ready to make everything about me. I have struggled with this for a long time and i think all i can do is fake emotional regulation until i make it. I have no frame of reference for when it’s okay to externalize fears and complaints as they arise because i was raised in isolation. I feel like I’ve made myself the center of our relationship and it’s all about keeping me from being unhappy. He has a very narrow life and doesn’t pursue friendships right now and so it’s reinforcing this unhealthy dynamic. I know i want to change the dynamic and change myself but I’m not sure where to start with myself. I don’t feel like i can breathe and like there is room for me to work through it, because we do find comfort in this dynamic and things get awkward and tense when it’s challenged and he always points it out that I’m not being my usual self and asks me to explain myself. I tried to talk to him about the dynamic but he denied it. But i don’t think he is a crazy person that can’t get with a new dynamic if i can be consistent in my behavior. This is my work with our without him.

    Need strength.



  295.  #295Starla on January 31, 2016 at 8:50 am

    I am very concerned by how dysfunctional my thinking can be. I project so much of my own feelings and fears on the rest of the world, especially him. Like if i feel awkward in a conversation, I’ll panic because that must mean he feels awkward and ultimately will like me less.

    I need to remember that this is not how things work.



  296.  #296Dixie on January 31, 2016 at 8:52 am

    292- me too Azure!

    Kyla, Andrea…..



  297.  #297Tee on January 31, 2016 at 9:21 am

    #294 Starla, you’ve been an awesome voice of reason for me almost from the beginning so I wouldn’t say that you’re thinking is dysfunctional :/



  298.  #298Starla on January 31, 2016 at 9:25 am

    I think the key might be seeing where I do this in subtler or less triggering ways with people who are not my boyfriend, and start to master my mind there. Like if someone is slow to respond to an email, or types something a certain way, or makes a certain face, I can get paranoid and analytical about it. So so so nervous. And this is just because I spent more than half of my life in isolation with someone who required constant emotional validation who would fly off the handle if she didn’t get exactly what changing thing she needed in that moment, so it was very advantageous to my survival to become vigilant and paranoid about the negative implications brewing underneath the surface.

    I think for now I can just trust that most people are not like this, even though i have zero frame of reference to believe it, and maybe tell myself a mantra like “nothing is going to hurt you” or something like that whenever I catch myself being paranoid or anxious.

    Then I stand a chance of tackling this once and for all with my most triggering relationship (romantic one). I just need to build up these muscles…



  299.  #299Starla on January 31, 2016 at 9:28 am

    It might also be wise to eliminate some of the mood-shifting things I do and consume in my life, like letting myself get too hungry or not sleep enough or smoke a cigarette, etc.

    I feel embarrassed… this is only like the 20th time in my life I’ve said “I’m gonna tackle this!” But it is true that it gets better and better every time. Heck, I remember when I was a suicidal mess and I definitely got past that and I don’t even think about it anymore.



  300.  #300Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 9:58 am

    Starla,,,
    So interesting that you are sharing these feelings…
    I have been working thru these exact things now that Spirit is spending MUCH more time with me… almost all week!

    The dynamic with my mother and I, sounds similar to yours…
    I had to watch her EVERY mood… for a child, totally dependent on a parent… it was Crucial for our survival!

    and now, I am SO tuned into EVERYONE elses feelings… OR my PERCEPTIONS of their feelings…
    it is NOT healthy for *MY* happiness!!

    Friday I had to work most of the day.. and Spirit was just hanging out
    So I watched myself getting VERY worried about wheather or not he was feeling entertained, bored etc…
    I had to stop this… I needed to get my work done…
    He was perfectly happy watching TV… getting his work done on his phone and ipad…
    eating, farting… :-))
    Soooo… i practiced a Rori Tool… I brought it all back to me… where was I… right here in my office…
    I put my feet on the floor and felt them grow roots alllllll the way down into the earth… leaning back…
    leaving space for Spirit to come forward…
    I could see MY nervous energy throughout the day
    leaning WAY forward… masculine… doing… NOT receiving… pushing him…
    I can still feel myself doing it now… (he’s still here)
    I thought of HOW happy I am with him just being with me… Allll the wonderfulness of us JUST BEING together…
    I am ALLL wound UP! I want to loose this anxiety…
    I want to just BE… find my feminine…
    This close, intimacy must be beyond my comfort…
    I want to expand my intimacy level…
    GREAT practice…
    I am feeling VERY agitated…
    I am a Warm caribbian breeze… soft and easy…
    mellow and
    I LOVE my agitation…
    MY fear… is wanting to keep *ME* safe…
    Giving myself hugs and loving my fear!
    I am LOVABLE!! I AM Lovable!
    I AM Lovable!



  301.  #301Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 11:07 am

    And the MAGIC of these tools…
    It DID calm me down… I realize I *AM* enough…
    leaning back (and feeding him)
    completely changed the energy…
    As I stopped leaning forward
    calmed my intense energy
    He came forward!!!
    He has now gone to a work appointment
    (he’s a salesman)
    Ahhh… I am always amazed and confetti
    happy at how *ME* loving me…
    changes EVERYTHING!!!



  302.  #302Millie on January 31, 2016 at 11:44 am

    Indigo 277- I feel so happy for you!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

    Tereana 280– Nice to see your voice on the blog again!!! Thank you for your empathy… I feel a little triggered reading the part about not being able to love the man he is RIGHT NOW. My gremlin assigns meaning to that as I am not a loving, forgiving person and I had to work through that feeling a little bit before responding. You are absolutely right–however, in this case because he asked specifically for a “no strings attached” arrangement, I feel that is also him asking me not to love him anymore. Love is a string, am I right? Feelings are strings? What are strings??? I also felt like he wasn’t giving me the option to love him as the man he is now. By being from what I considered to be…rude…he was not allowing me to receive him in a positive way. I almost wonder now, if he wanted me to hate him because he feels poorly about himself. The other thing is… even when we were in a relationship, he said things like “You’re out of my league, I don’t know what you see in me” and when it was going sour and I wanted to see him he would say “I’m no fun to be around.” At the time I took it personally, but now…having almost said that about myself to people…I know it has more to do with how HE FEELS about himself that his feelings towards other people. If I played a part in contributing to his opinion of himself or his decision to put that barrier up– I don’t know and that is something out of my control. Do I love him? Yes, I do. I care about him and I feel empathy for the issues he is faced with, but can loving him fix that? No, and I wouldn’t want it to. My love cannot heal his wounds. I find myself attracted to the same type of guy– one who is a bit narcissistic and self-loathing, a bit depressed. Maybe that is a mirror for myself. Anyway, it isn’t healthy for me to continue loving him anymore. While I have no problem with his extreme sexuality, I do have a problem with open-ended, non-committed, polygamy with any man. I’ll try erotic things that involve a third person and all that…but I need stable, strong, commitment with my man in order to feel safe doing those things. I need to be able to trust him to lead. The fact that he brought up some “now ex” the last time we spoke really kind of sealed the “no” I had been feeling. Enough is enough. He wants to mess around with other women-great go do it, but I won’t be one of them. For him to say that he just want to “f*ck something” or “someone hot” makes my love and attraction want to withdraw. It could be just anyone?? He has no preference?? Just a place to stick it?? Now, he says he preferred me…but that just doesn’t feel good!! So many things he said just plain didn’t feel good!!! And now I’m realizing that when I don’t feel good, that means my boundaries have been breeched and I need to state something. I’m seeing that boundaries are constant and can be really small or really big. Anyway, I went off on a tangent, but I totally agree that I have to listen to him!! lol



  303.  #303Kim on January 31, 2016 at 11:58 am

    Hi! Azure, how sweet of you to think of me!
    All is good here thank you 🙂
    I have been quite busy lately with a few project, my biggest one is finally publishing my first book and it’s so much work that I have killed my social media and blog reading/commenting to a minimum unless it is connected to my ventures. I do still read here from time to time but refrain from commenting, as I get too involved and waste too much time. I really found that I have been wasting so much time and got quite disillusioned also with so much stuff out there these days about money making, how to be this and that, dating coaches – I found it all too much honestly. Overload.
    I am so much happier in my relationship and my life after cutting a lot of that stuff out actually…lol.
    Anyway, I feel touched that you thought of me….and now I go back to editing and cover designing 🙂
    Take care all



  304.  #304Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 11:59 am

    Indigo!!! #276
    WOW you!
    Lots of Confetti and Balloons and trumpets
    to delight the heart!!
    YOUR delighted Heart!!
    M sounds wonderful! and you sound sunshiny
    bright, rainbow happy!
    oxoxo



  305.  #305Azure Blu on January 31, 2016 at 12:03 pm

    Kim!!!
    Hello lovely Siren!
    So great to hear from you
    AND your book and other projects!!
    YOU sound wonderful…
    You must let us know what the name of your book is so we can purchase it!
    What is it about..?
    I know you are focusing your energy
    thanks for checking in!
    oxoxo
    love and hugs!



  306.  #306Kim on January 31, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Ah Azure, thank you <3
    It's kind of a self help/inspiring book centered around my week long solo walk of the Keys…something which really helped me with self esteem and happiness at the time. I would love to inspire others with it, but it's mainly my baby…so I doubt it will be a bestseller lol…but I really wrote it for me. Also in order to develop my skills and to learn about the whole self publishing aspect, editing (I am excited to get it professionally edited and learn more), print on demand and so on.
    Hopefully it will be done by March 1st, I will check in again, shall be my pleasure to send you a copy…if all goes to plan 🙂
    xoxo



  307.  #307Millie on January 31, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    Ok Sirens– I need a little advice on another situation, a completely different situation.

    There’s another guy in my life, but he’s a friend. He’s actually a great friend and someone who understands me really well. He’s caught on to my emotional patterns, how I feel my emotions, and how I deal with them. He in fact, processes and feels his in a similar way to me and we have discussed this openly–so that has probably helped him to understand me. He can tell in a text message if I’m upset, even if I’m not admitting it. What I love about our relationship is that he calls me out! When I start going to my dark place, when the gremlins come out– he’ll say something that often snaps me out of it. Other times it can feel accusatory. Like he expects me to snap out of it, but I can’t, and the fact that I’m feeling dark frustrates him, and just makes me feel worse, like I’m disappointing him. Then if I try to snap out of it, he says I’m faking it and he’ll question me.

    The other layer to this friendship is that he also teaches me– an activity I’ve been wanting to learn. (I’m omitting details for privacy) So when he is in teaching mode, he can become condescending. We’ve talked about it and since he has vastly changed into being more positive and speaking in a way I can hear that is still giving constructive criticism. However, there are still moments in and outside of teaching where he can be condescending and it really bothers me. He can tell it does and apologizes fairly quickly. I understand his personality and background enough to know why he is being that way and I know it’s not personal at all!! But, I want to tell him I’m not stupid and I don’t like being spoken to that way! Yesterday he said something that pissed me off, I just gave him this glare and turned away (There were some important people around or else I would have said something) He came up a few minutes later and apologized and explained why he was rude. I told him after that I’m just going to call him out when he’s being that way. He can call me out when I’m being grumpy and I can call him out too! He laughed and said that was true/fair. But, it causes me to shut down and plain just not have fun around him. I know he means well…and he is so perceptive to my feelings. This morning he made another comment that completely ruined my mood and I almost wanted to leave. I’m trying to help him and he’s being a jerk. I just went silent, brewing… He says I know whatever you’re thinking right now isn’t good! And explains that if this task isn’t done correctly he takes the heat. Ok I get it, but still! Which leads me to my question:

    When I’m being told I’m doing something wrong, or a person is being critical of me, I feel like I disappointed them and a tightness develops in my chest, I feel a spinning sensation like the world is on fast forward and I shut down. I stop talking. I’m tight. I’m locked. I’m listening but my mind is flush with negative thoughts. How I can process my feelings in the present moment differently, so I am able to speak up in the moment, and also able to appreciate him for his real intent, which is very far from intentionally making me feel bad?

    I want to practice praising his him and honoring his masculinity better instead of the focus being on how I don’t feel good. I see the pattern and I want to grow.
    He is a very communicative person who is always very affectionate and open. He will throw his arm around my shoulder and tell me he loves me, that he’s excited to see me, or that he missed me, and I think he’s really good practice to work through some of these intimacy blockers that I have. Suggestions?



  308.  #308Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Thank you, Zara, for your really comprehensive response. And thank you, T-girl as well.

    I also don’t really want to hold this against him. But I did want to know “how it looked from the outside.” Which you provided. So thank you for that.

    I want to uphold at least how I handled it, which was to tell my feelings – however they were in the moment – and to take some time for myself. Which I needed in order to “reset” my emotional system. Which is nothing to do with fault or anyone’s mistake. Just that I was taken aback and in shock, and it doesn’t really matter why. There is a physiological response that goes along with it.

    There are some subtle things that are hard to convey from my end. But I think you ladies hit on the major points. One thing is, my name was nowhere in the video. He did have to do extra legwork to find it. And even if he did all that, and had found what he found, and came to me and presented it with a kind of curiosity, I think I would not have been upset. I would have been impressed and flattered.

    What made me upset about his approach was that he seemed to be making or implying a certain judgment about me that was not fair and was only partly accurate. He seemed to be snooping for the very purpose of “exposing” his careless I am. I really didn’t appreciate that. Because some of the things I post online do intentionally have my name on them. My videos, for instance. I intend for those things to be “out there.” That was a conscious choice. Other things were out there that were not a conscious choice, and that is not on him. But I do still feel bad about him finding it and using it almost as “ammunition” against me. I guess I ended up feeling like an opponent and not like a friend he was curious about and/or wanted to help. But I guess maybe that was really his intention…

    Again, thank you so much for your feedback…



  309.  #309Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Hi Millie…

    Much love to you 🙂 I just read your post, and I’m wondering if you can take this experience and opportunity and use it to do some self-inquiry as to why criticism as so hard for you to take. Why does it feel so bad when someone “tells you what to do”? Or if they are “condescending”? (In this case, it is him, but I’m guessing it could be anyone else whose opinion matters to you.)

    I’m bringing these up because I am familiar with both of these sensations and with the strong unpleasant reactions they create in me also. Was there some experience you’ve had in the past where someone was very critical of you, and/or demanded perfection? Was it necessary to be “smart” in order to feel loved? I’m thinking of childhood experiences here. They often create deep feelings that seem like “the truth.” When in fact, it is really us, projecting the disappointment we feel we must be onto other people or resenting them for “making us feel that way,” when really they are old feelings being stirred up by a new, unrelated experience.

    Some thinks for you to think about…



  310.  #310Millie on January 31, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Tereana– Thanks those are good questions to ask. No one really made me feel that way but me…as a kid. I did ballet for a long time and became very critical of myself as I never felt good enough, but there was no teacher in particular who made me feel bad. It was always more of me being hard on myself.



  311.  #311Millie on January 31, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    I feel lonely today.
    I feel beautiful, but alone in my tower.
    My soft, perfect breasts, no one to touch them or love them like I do. I wish I had someone by my side, to cuddle with, to hold me, to appreciate me. I feel worried that when I finally do meet a man, I will have lost my beautiful youthful perfect body. I don’t want to waste it. Or waste it on people who only see my body and not me. I feel sad and unable to attract people in.



  312.  #312Starla on January 31, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Millie go get a boudoir photo shoot and document that body for posterity!



  313.  #313Millie on January 31, 2016 at 3:36 pm

    Starla- definitely not oppose to that! Did it once but the guy was a pervert.



  314.  #314Starla on January 31, 2016 at 3:52 pm

    Ugh, how creepy. Look on Groupon for a deal with a female photographer.



  315.  #315Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    I am really glad that I came and wrote on the blog about my experience. And he was really understanding today when we talked and I discussed all I had been feeling, and the things that came up for me. He is a much younger guy – MUCH younger guy – than I have ever been out with before. And it turns out that he, like most people, though I was about 10 years younger than I am (or maybe 7, who knows – he wouldn’t admit how old he thought I was). But suffice it to say he was surprised to hear my real age, but not turned off by it. Which is really pretty cool. So far, he seems much more together and mature than a lot of other people his age, and my impression is that he is used to this, and even thinks of himself that way. Which is probably at least partly why he likes older women. I guess he is better able to understand them and communicate with them. He said that he feels women his own age are too immature, they “play games,” and they are not serious. Whereas he is a very serious guy. Which is kind of nice for me. I am a serious person as well, and it is refreshing to be with someone who also takes things seriously. He can be a little bit “thinky” about things. But I guess he’s a guy. He’s supposed to be like that.

    Anyway. Just sharing. We had a nice conversation today, and that makes me feel happy 🙂



  316.  #316Tereana on January 31, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Millie – I’m glad you like the questions. I have my own brand of perfectionism that I have to work with/against, and it comes out in similar ways. I hate criticism, and I hate feeling like I am “stupid.” It really bothers me when it feels as if anyone is talking “down” to me. And people are often taken aback when I say this out loud to them. I guess they don’t realize they are doing it. Or maybe it is just my own perception of what is happening.

    In my case, I can say that my family had a lot to with generating these feelings. But then again, I suppose a big part of it comes from me also just being who I am – wanting to be the best. Feeling or knowing that I am smart by nature, and enjoying it when people do see me this way, and also not enjoying it when they don’t. So I guess we have that in common.

    So for you, maybe it is not a trauma thing. But still worth investigating inside yourself: where exactly are those ideas coming from? What kind of beliefs do you hold about yourself or about people in general that would lead you to feel so bad about these interactions? Then generating some answers to those questions can help you decide better how to respond, so that it is not purely an emotional knee-jerk type thing…..



  317.  #317Lovergirl on January 31, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    I am not surprised that me sleeping with a man that I *think* is married is triggering to people. Maybe this blog is not a good place to discuss it.

    I don’t feel guilty though. He told me he is single and refers to the woman I think he is married to as his “ex”. He has his profile on dating sites, with his picture for anyone to see.

    I’ve never asked him to spend a dime on me, so I can’t really feel bad if he decides to spend money on flying me places. Its not like he doesn’t have plenty of money to do whatever he wants. It’s not my job to tell him how to spend it.

    Even if he is married, I am not the one who made a commitment, he is. He’d be cheating whether I was in the picture or not. He travels all the time and I don’t doubt there are other women in his life as well. I hadn’t even heard from him in 3 weeks when he texted to say he’d like to fly me out to see him. (He said he was in China, and that he’d missed me, but who knows).

    The only difference me believing he is married makes, is that I know not to get my heart caught up in hoping for anything more. It’s actually super freeing to not have to worry about why he isn’t texting or calling.

    If I hadn’t gone out of my way to look him up and find that picture of him, I would have no proof of anything. Perhaps it really was none of my business to know. I don’t really have any desire to press him about it. He’s slotted into occasional, casual sex category.

    He’s a fascinating man to talk to and extremely masculine. I really love the way he is treating ME. It feels great and I am happy to have that in my life right now.



  318.  #318Emerson on January 31, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    270 Tereana,
    Thank you for sharing this about heart break and hearts healing!
    Yes it is interesting to think of it that way…
    I have had a broken heart, it has healed, and ‘broken’ again…
    but now i’m ok…
    I feel ok but not electric or excited. I miss that. I just feel “ok”….
    hmm this is something i feel curious about.



  319.  #319Liquid Light on January 31, 2016 at 10:27 pm

    Lovergirl 316

    Brava to you! Trust him and enjoy his attention! You are right on the mark, revel it in and be the siren that you are. He senses this and is treating you like goddess. The moment you doubt his intentions and his integrity, he will sense it and the dynamic will shift. Believe in him, adore him, trust him, and he will be the magnificent masculine prince that he is. That’s all he really wants. Enjoy it!!!



  320.  #320Emerson on January 31, 2016 at 11:32 pm

    Hmm… I intend to invite make energy into my life…in an intimate emotional way…
    I intend to feel open to it…
    I intend to be trusting…
    And I intend to be trust worthy …which I know I am.
    I intend to have more make energy around me that is honorable and sensuous ..
    I intend to be open to it now..
    And I’ll be open to it as I go about my daily routine..
    I intend to be successful this week and I intend to be a light to others…
    I intend to be happy and peaceful and confident!



  321.  #321Emerson on January 31, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    *Male energy not make energy haha
    Typo !!



  322.  #322Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 3:58 am

    Millie #306
    I believe you are doing the right thing by
    exploring the reason you are triggered by his condescending words…
    AND also, Most people Don’t like to be talked to that way… it is his anger
    and it is Disrespectful!!!

    You interact with your guy on a daily basis…
    Maybe when he starts talking to you like that you can excuse yourself… “This isn’t feeling good right now. I need to take a break.” and walk away…

    I totally know what you mean about people being condescending.
    I just experienced it with a client on Friday…
    At the time I could feel me shutting down…
    I asked her “Why was she talking to me in this condescending way?” and she said, in an angry voice…
    “because you aren’t understanding what I want you to change, on this project!!”
    I then got very quiet as she explained again…
    and she became a little nicer…
    But I didn’t talk to her on the phone again…
    I finished the project through email…

    I know my sister and mother and father all used to talk to me that way when I was growing up…
    I do have a different way of learning…
    and this kind of treatment ALWAYS triggers me.

    I’m not sure me confronting this lady was the way to go…
    I should have asked her to email me her changes for the text of this magazine advertisement.
    that is how I typically handle text changes on projects… to avoid any misunderstanding in the changes.

    Actually I could have said. “You know what, Maria, it would be best if you email me the text changes, and any other changes you might need for your advertisement.”
    and said goodby. I wouldn’t be making her wrong…
    and I’d be taking care of me also.

    Millie, i don’t think it is very friend like to be talked down to on a daily basis…
    Sometimes friends or colleges think it is ok to make me the brunt of their jokes regularly, during our interactions…
    over the years, I have changed that by either standing up for myself or discontinuing my friendship with them.



  323.  #323Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 4:26 am

    Lovergirl #316
    I hope you don’t stop sharing all your wonderful journey here on Siren Island!

    To me, this blog, is the perfect place to share
    all of our lives!

    We all handle our lives in vastly different ways… and as Rori says, there are no right and wrong ways….
    Only practice and exploration…
    I know I learn so much from you and about myself by being vulnerable and authentic!
    You are a brave and warm hearted Siren…
    Thank you for sharing YOU so openly!
    oxoxo



  324.  #324Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 5:19 am

    Dearest Azure – I don’t believe that when Rori says there is no right and wrong ways she is referring in any way about exploration with married men. I am very sensitive to the topic, even when there is no clarity about the facts. Right now my main is the situation of Lilybelly. Though I don’t know exactly what is happening there she did share about how much pain she is in.

    I do deeply believe that we need to make an effort to find out about men’s status before getting involved. Some men may lie and we have not control over that but when people are not sure I don’t know how another woman can encourage that situation. It just seem odd to me.



  325.  #325Victoria on February 1, 2016 at 5:24 am

    Millie,
    I can relate to your story. I actually have a big problem with close friends trying to teach me anything. I hate to move from an equal relationship (friendship) to one where they are superior to me in skill and I need to be the humbled student. Mind you, I have always been an excellent student at school, top of my class, but I learn well ONLY from actual teachers, not from friends. And, when I am having difficulty with learning what my friend is trying to teach me, I get so frustrated. I get to the point that I am ready to snap at them to please shut up and leave me alove, even if I asked them to teach me in the first place. So, no more friends-as-teachers for me, ever, thank you very much.



  326.  #326Lotus on February 1, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Azure Blu, Starla, Victoria, nyx – thank you for your responses

    Zara – wow – thank you for the radio link with very relevant discussions, namely on the lady with the intimacy avoidant partner who sounds like my ex. Dr Pat Allen is a very empowering lady, need to learn more! Haven’t reached minute 82, will get on that asap, and thanks for taking the time to pen out the scenario! Very insightful, helpful and thoughtful of you, thank you!

    I need to give time to read back and digest your responses, and get clearer on what I want, feeling thankful for our siren island. It’s funny at the weekend, my close female friend was probing me to get clearer on where I stand. That is what I need to do.



  327.  #327Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 6:11 am

    FW #323
    I always am buoyed and helped by your posts…
    thank you for sharing your feelings…

    Mmmmm… well for myself…
    I don’t KNOWINGLY go out with married men or men who are living with or who have a girlfriend….
    because I believe there is not much opportunity for me to find my Mr. Right in those situations.

    Lovergirl was told by MM that he is divorced…
    He still talks like he is a divorced man…
    She is simply sharing her journey of not trusting him and how social media works into all of this… whether or not to ask him about this… etc

    But… there are sooo many nuances in the world of dating..
    When I have found myself involved with men who are still in love with another woman (ie a divorced or ex girl friend who can;t let go)
    it is only overtime that I was able to discern this…
    At that point I usually cared about the man
    and to untangle myself took some time…

    And I have dated other men when I was still very much entangled with another man (I was always honest about dating others)

    It’s a messy world out here in Love land…
    All of us have been cheated on, have cheated and learned out lessons…

    I believe we are all here to seek knowledge, support, insight and understanding as we
    pull up our skirts and get on with the job of
    learning to love ourselves..

    Many choices that others have expressed here
    I don’t agree with or would I want as part of my life…
    and i’m sure others feel the same about my life’s choices… BUT
    Shaming or making rules for others, for their choices, I dont believe is part of the blog?



  328.  #328Victoria on February 1, 2016 at 6:22 am

    Azure,
    I love what you just wrote. And I am fully with you.



  329.  #329Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Yea I hear you Azure. I am still very sensitive about the married women and exes on here.



  330.  #330Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Victoria #327
    Thank you… blushinggggg!



  331.  #331Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 6:48 am

    Feminine Woman #328
    I feel curious as to why it feels like such a trigger for you?



  332.  #332Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 7:01 am

    I have been extremely concerned about Lilybelly since she posted last.



  333.  #333Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 7:09 am

    I am not trying to upset anyone with my posting or hurt anyone that is going through something in their own life. I’ve been cheated on before too, I’ve even had boyfriends (yes, that is plural) get someone else pregnant while they were dating me…

    I’ve also been in perhaps an even MORE humiliating situation, where my ex husband fell in love with another woman who WOULDN’T have him! She didn’t like a man who had a wife and 5 kids asking her out at work and reported him for something akin to sexual harassment in the workplace (it was something about “creating a threatening work environment”, I can’t remember the exact terminology).

    In any case, he had told our marriage counselor that he was willing to leave me and our children over her. She didn’t even want him. It felt awful and was what ultimately tipped the scales to the point where I was ready to file for divorce.

    It feels weird to have it suggested that I walk on eggshells regarding what I post about my life. I’m well aware that it can be triggering but sometimes triggers are a good thing for people to work through. Sometimes another perspective even helps it hurt less.

    My discussing a man’s possible marital status isn’t about anyone else’s situation on this blog. It’s really just about me and my journey. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I also don’t want to have to stop and worry about who might be offended by what I post before writing anything.



  334.  #334Millie on February 1, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Azure 322- i hear you and really like your suggestion of walking away. With him I could probably do that, but if I felt that way at work I would have to find a better way to react. He is a good friend and this is definitely not something I’d end a friendship over. He’s very young and I think he is parroting how his teachers taught him. The good thing is when I say something he recognizes the issue and has become more aware and changing how he speaks to me. I know it isn’t personal. I think exploring MY trigger is the right way to go and seeing if I can change my belief or whatever is playing in my head.

    Victoria– yeah it can be challenging when a friend knows more than you about an activity. In this case though I really do love having him as a teacher and I think there are solutions here and also a growing experience for both of us.



  335.  #335Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 8:29 am

    Millie I don’t know anyone who likes to be told they are doing something wrong. Also so many of us grew up with critical parents that any perceived criticism becomes a trigger. I think you are doing great practicing speaking up for yourself.



  336.  #336Starla on February 1, 2016 at 9:42 am

    Well, this place is called Have The RELATIONSHIP You Want. Not Have the Adulterous Affair You want. I’m not here to judge but it makes perfect sense to me that posting about such things might not jive well here.

    More and more I see sirens here posting about their noncommittal and questionable liaisons. None of which I judge — but I am interested in discussion surrounding getting clear on what you want out of a relationship and pursuing THAT instead of getting sidetracked with something that is the opposite of what you ultimately want. And if you want something casual and sexual, there are absolutely benefits to that — all of which get thrown in the trash when you end up just being obsessive and worried as ever about the situation. There isn’t a whole lot of self respect in obsessing or in throwing yourself off your bridge to happily ever after to hook up with someone in the meantime who could never give you happily ever after all while obsessing and worrying and feeling weird and uncertain about WTF he is doing…,

    I dunno – am I making sense?



  337.  #337Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 10:39 am

    You are Starla. At least to me?



  338.  #338Starla on February 1, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Thanks FW. I’m in a very blunt mood today and don’t mean to criticize anyone. I get soooo blunt sometimes. And where else can I practice being softer but HERE, except that’s too time consuming for my impatient get-to-the-point self, so I don’t bother. I would like to be softer and sweeter but I’m tough on the outside and soft on the inside, not strong on the inside and soft on the outside like we strive to be.



  339.  #339Starla on February 1, 2016 at 11:25 am

    Reminding myself of the tool…. root from my backbone into the earth like a tree, relax, melt… strong, grounded on the inside. Outside – sandy beach…

    Ah yes, much better. From this position I don’t see any reason to opine or worry about what anyone else is doing. I can just be.



  340.  #340Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Starla #335
    I have to say… there are many people outside of this group who struggle with the whole
    Circular Dating tool that we embrace here on Siren Island…
    They have severely judged me and really couldn’t see how I could be being courted by so many men and at the same time letting them know that I was dating others.

    What we are espousing here is really very difficult for most people to understand….and most think that it is being underhanded, sneaky, cheating and a player.

    Many times, most of us, while we are dating, dont really know the status of the people we are going out with…

    I would caution you about making these accusations on a blog
    that is supposed to be a safe haven for the struggling
    heart to find refuge…
    for the fearful and self loathing to learn to be authentic and vulnerable
    to facilitate the growth of their self love and inner strength.



  341.  #341Starla on February 1, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything and ultimately I should have stayed out of it entirely because it’s the sort of trigger for people where if I don’t agree with them, I’m seen as basically victimizing them by not honoring their safe space. I shouldn’t be playing such a losing game in the first place, although that comes from a very masculine place. I like the idea of being a soft sandy beach.

    This is an interesting one. I could back down and apologize and be tone policed, because it’s upsetting to others. But then my own upset becomes unimportant, and while everyone points fingers here or even out on the public stage about not being provided a “safe space to express themselves,” they fail to see that they deny the person they’re pointing fingers at that very same safe space. So many times things become a contest of wills and sensitivity. Being emotional is not a form of debate but that’s how we do it these days.

    Anyway, I’m not really sorry, and I hope no one uses my comments to fuel their self-hate fires. I am super interested in examining my own compulsion to offer my opinions and what drives that, though. And deciding for myself, or not, that it would be better to approach things in a softer way. For myself.



  342.  #342Starla on February 1, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Being blunt feels simultaneously easier and harder. What the heck? It’s less effort to get something blunt out, but it’s more exhausting in the end. I always end up feeling drained. And on top of that people will say things like you are accusing them or insulting them, when neither is happening, and it just becomes a draining thing and no one is seeing you or the words you decided to share, and they’re complaining that you don’t honor their experience in a way that insists you defend yours.

    If I opt out of that line of interaction, is that like walking on eggshells to keep the peace? Things I will ponder today.

    I notice if I try to be gentle and slow-opening like a flower blossoming with intellectual and emotional integrity in a way that really caters to making someone feel safe, I often don’t ever even get to the punch line. I get cut off, I never get to make my point, and it’s really annoying. I wonder how I can master combining the succinctness of being blunt with the gentle slowness of being soft when I have something controversial to say.



  343.  #343Azure Blu on February 1, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Starla #340
    I certainly see what you are saying…

    EVERYONE needing to feel safe to express and explore their authentic voices!!

    I agree with this… not to be sorry…
    I am glad you are standing your ground…
    It is a discussion, after all, that is so important
    and facilitates growth and understanding…

    I too have been working on this…
    especially for the past 10 years…
    as I have been a “know-it-all” and could never, listen to or honor, the other persons opinion…

    It has been a long road… I feel so HAPPY that
    because of the Rori tools I can now
    climb down off that high horse, more often than not,
    and listen more carefully and thoughtfully…
    It has been imperative that I learn this because
    Spirit and I are soooo different concerning politics and religion.
    My belief it the ONLY way I can be with Spirit is IF
    I accept and respect him just as he is
    Discovering the Depth of my triggers in this area
    has been causing MUCH soul searching and growth.



  344.  #344Starla on February 1, 2016 at 1:40 pm

    My listening skills are totally whack, haha. I am working on them. Yesterday I had a shift at my second job with a 17 year old girl who loooves to talk, so I made a point of practicing listening really well.

    I know in my heart it’s not a high horse I’m riding that’s driving any of how I carry myself and present my opinions, but I bet even my boyfriend would say I can get a little high-horsey sometimes!

    I don’t want to be in a battle of sensitivities. The second someone tells me I should be more sensitive, it’s a sign that they should also be more sensitive to MY rights and needs and opinions. Hmmmm, reminds me of 100% of the fights I’ve had with my guy. We never argue about practical matters, just about how insensitive we’re being to the other. LOL.

    I’m rambling at this point but it’s all good processing for me, I assure you;) haha



  345.  #345Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    Liquid Light 318-

    Thank you! There is, of course, still the possibility, that I could be mistaken about his marital status. Right now, I want to focus on how I feel with him. The way I feel, is really, really good!

    Now that I have let go of expectations about communication with him (due to believing he is married), I feel free and easy about the whole thing. It’s a good lesson for me in how changes in how I perceive a guy and what my personal agenda is, can make all the difference.

    Normally, I would NOT have been okay with a guy seemingly dropping off the planet for 3 entire weeks. Yet when I didn’t care, he popped up and suddenly proposed this trip! It’s amazing what focusing elsewhere can do when you are dealing with a man and that is exactly what Rori teaches, even though she’s not talking about married men.



  346.  #346Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Dixie 290-

    Yes, it really does feel good to experience his masculine energy. I feel confused because I thought for sure he was married and then got thrown off by some of his comments. Not confused as to whether he was lying in the first place, so much as confused as to whether or not I could be WRONG in believing that. In any case, right now I just want to play it by ear and see what happens.



  347.  #347April Rose on February 1, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I can’t help thinking, whatever his marital status, that he is treating you like a high-class call girl.
    It must be even more enjoyable for him that you are so into the sex.



  348.  #348Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    Azure, thank you for your supportive comments! I do feel judged though I can’t say I really expected otherwise. To me, right now, he’s just another CD. I’m learning from the interaction, even if its not “approved” by the women who read this blog. I don’t feel a pressing need to talk further about him at the moment, since I had my fun and I doubt I will hear from him now for a while.

    I’d rather discuss RadioCD. I saw him the day before I left. He’d hurt himself coaching and wasn’t feeling very well but wanted me to come by. I hadn’t seen him in a little over a week because I’d been super busy, but he had been trying to get me to come over.

    In any case, he said some interesting things. He told me its lonely being a single man and coming home to an empty house. He said it makes him feel worried that if anything happened to him no one would notice for a couple of days. He said he misses a home cooked meal and someone to tell his day to.

    When I gave him a massage to help with his pain, he said you don’t know how good it feels just to have a woman’s touch, it makes all the difference. It just made me think about how much men really do need a woman around, even though many times they won’t admit it. I don’t know if he was hinting at anything specifically with me, its hard to say.

    He and I are also collaborating on a work effort right now. He got my company into a deal with the radio station so I saw him today at an event while we were both working. It was fun and he was affectionate there in public (though we both remained professional).

    It was fun to see him in his element. I met some of his colleagues and I suspect he may have told one guy about me. I could tell he was being a little competitive towards my male co-worker as well. 😉 When he left he gave me a hug and whispered about me maybe coming to see him tonight. He has texted since, wanting me to come over again. 🙂



  349.  #349Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    April Rose 346-

    If being a high class call girl meant being with men who are that good looking and that good in bed and that fun to be around AND getting free trips, as well as having money thrown at me, I’d do it in a heartbeat!!! LOL 😉

    Somehow, I doubt the real life of a call girl is like that though! 😉 I’m sure they have to sleep with some not so attractive men. In any case, I do enjoy the sex! He does too! 🙂 It’s great….



  350.  #350Lotus on February 1, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    Zara – sweet angel! I am still marvelling at your posts which I’ve copied and pasted. Thank you again for sharing the information on Dr Pat Allen’s advice!

    I would love some help here with understanding Dr Allen’s teachings. I’m not able to quote right now, but this is the gist of what I’ve heard and read tonight from the recording that Zara kindly shared: http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-121115.mp3

    At 1.20 hrs
    Building a kitty together and deciding on what to do with the shared finances is more intimate than having separate bank accounts, which is more of a statement to a life less intimate and shared.
    If the couple earn the same amount, then they pay 50/50, if not then an equal percentage of their income ie 30% each.

    At 1.41 hrs:
    Equity is better than equality. Equality is good for friendship and business, but not great for romance. A ratio of 3:1 in ‘exchanging strokes’ ie. paying for dates etc is better than 1:1, like the magic swinging balls where they gather momentum with 2:1 balls.

    From an article: http://livesofstyle.com/thelastword/?p=6299
    ‘The only coin we have is sex dear… That’s it. Harvard did a study and found that men marry for sex and women marry for money. The book on that is The Evolution Of Desire, by David Buss. You’re either trying to get laid or paid. When you try to do both, stay single.’

    So my confusion is this: if equity is better than equality in achieving an intimate romantic relationship, and if the man and woman earn the same, Dr Allen is still suggesting that both partners put in equal amounts. This to me is conflicting advice! The only thing I’m gauging is the kitty is for a committed relationship, and the 2:1 ratio was referring to dates, but extends into romantic partnership. Also, if we are wanting to get paid as women as opposed to ‘get laid’ – which I interpret beyond money into being paid in security, love, affection, commitment etc, then why is she advising to put in an equal amount in the kitty if both partners are earning the same income? So isn’t that equality which is not great for romance??



  351.  #351Lotus on February 1, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    In moderation on Dr. Pat Allen :/
    Hoping sharing the links is ok, wanting to unpick some things, hoping it will come up soon so I can understand it a bit more! I believe it’s complimentary to RR’s philosophy where the subject of finances isn’t covered.



  352.  #352Lotus on February 1, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    April Rose, Azure Blu
    I would love to print out Zara’s scenario and give to D, it would feel so much easier to have the script and be reminded to be funny and lovely too, as opposed to a bit upset.

    I love ‘Mathematics are magical!’

    The happy ending:
    “Hey, Babe? It’s just a dream. I’ll adapt to reality. I love you and as long as you contribute with your percentage equivalent to the percentage of money you make, I will feel respected and be more than happy to pay for the rest. And yes, I would prefer you keep bringing your financial percentage with no failure, but I can see how it will work better for our family if you stop working when our children are little. We’ll find a way when time comes to find a way. As long as we keep together, we’ll keep strong and smart. We won’t be short of ideas to pay bills and at the same time let you be the mother you want to be.”

    And B says:
“Awwww… Darling, this feels so soothing to hear. I feel reassured we’ll create a good vibes family. Of course I will always contribute my financial percentage! As small as might be. Mathematics are magical! I feel happy and trustful! I love you.”




  353.  #353Dixie on February 1, 2016 at 5:00 pm

    This conversation about married men, it feels like lines are being drawn in the sand, and not that I don’t have an opinion on the issue, I just agree with Azure that this has always felt like a safe space to share and work on ourselves, examine the best ways to build the relationships we want in all sorts of aspects of our life…..

    I sometimes also feel so triggered about what people in my life say! There is a woman at work whose comments about ALL sorts of things trigger me, and then, I get this ugly, almost invigorating rush of satisfaction of “calling it as I see it.” But I always feel like a meanie afterwards, and I have to ask myself what my real motivation is? Why am I so quick with a blunt comment? I feel bad afterwards because I don’t like crushing someone’s feelings like that…and I’m trying to be more empathetic.

    I love a quotation from Tennessee Williams, that no one sees anyone truly except through the distorted lens of our own flaws. And the other quotation I love from him is that “all cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness”. In teaching his work and discussion with my students, I am so clearly reminded to not judge. Even in Mockingbird, Harper Lee writes that “you never really understand a person until you climb into their skin.”

    This discussion has been SO helpful to me, to examine the places where i get triggered, and to examine my motivations.



  354.  #354Dixie on February 1, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Everyone here I believe is here for the same reason, but it can feel like a circuitous route at times.

    I agree with all the comments here, that keeping ourselves on our path is the key, to not get pulled away from what our heart wants and not to settle for something that is obviously contrary to that. This blog has helped me feel so grounded in my honest desires.



  355.  #355Dixie on February 1, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    Azure, yes, I have been asked by a few close friends why I haven’t “moved” things along with D., especially when I told them about the salsa classes I’m taking next week to get ready for an extended trip to Cuba in August…

    But the truth is, he’s excited for me, I will hopefully meet some new people, and may even invite male colleague to be my partner (we’re just friends). And further, I don’t feel the need to lead the relationship or any relationship except the relationship I have with myself. I might meet someone at the class – who knows? (This infuriates my colleague who is convinced that D and I are meant to be together forever, lol)

    But something wonderful happened today! In preparation for the new semester, I was cleaning out the cupboards in a classroom that I haven’t taught in before. A magazine fell from the top shelf, a sports magazine from a few years back. recognized an athletes name because D had once asked me much later to edit his article on the same athelete. So I opened it just to flip through because I haven’t ever read this magazine before…

    ….then I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was his first printed article in a international sports magazine, and it was the first article that he shyly shared with me. It was going to be his first time printed in this magazine and it was s lifelong dream of his. I remember the day he shared this with me, and how excited he was that I liked it, and how much he valued my opinion. He shared the web link when it was finally published but I never actually saw it in print.

    What were the chances of me being in a classroom and this magazine literally dropping at my feet?

    Anyhow, it was such a wonderful feeling and made me laugh!



  356.  #356Liquid Light on February 1, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Unless I missed something we really don’t know if Lovergirl’s Millionair is married or not. In fact, the evidence is pointing to him being single. Why is it that so many women here are assuming he is married? I don’t get that. I think its just a reflection of mistrust and doubt towards men. My point I was trying to make in my post earlier is that we as individuals can shape reality (we do shape reality all the time) by what we believe and think. If we think millionaire is a dishonest, lying man then that’s how we will treat him and guess what that’s how he will behave. I just think its better to trust ourselves, believe in ourselves and that trust and belief will carry forward towards men. I’m just really surprised that everyone seems to be jumping to the conclusion (and it is jumping to a conclusion unless I missed something?) that he is married???!!!



  357.  #357Lovergirl on February 1, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    Liquid Light- I found a pic of him that I *thought* proved he is married. It was posted on Facebook, shortly before he and I met. It was of him, wearing a wedding ring, with his wife, their child, and the wife’s parents. I admit I am second guessing it now though, like is there any way he could be telling me the truth? Could the picture have been older and someone just reposted it? Its not entirely implausible.

    Trusting men is very difficult for me and I was on alert trying to figure out why he seemed so perfect. He told me himself that women often think he is married, but that he is totally single.

    I don’t know 100%. I can only see how things go and not have high expectations. I would hate to miss out on a really great guy because of my own fears and assuming the worst. Id also hate to be played for a fool and find out he is married after all.

    So for now, I’m keeping in my mind the very real possibility that he COULD be married and seeing what does or doesn’t develop. Im acting like a boy scout and being emotionally prepared.



  358.  #358Liquid Light on February 1, 2016 at 7:13 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I am suggesting that you believe with 100% faith and trust that he is single. This is what he told you, why wouldn’t you believe that? trust yourself and trust him, that’s the only way to true connection and relationship.

    You have no idea what’s going on Facebook. Pure conjecture, all you really know is what he told you, that he is divorced/single. Why don’t you just believe him? Yes, I hear you you have trust issues. But until you deal with those issues, you will never trust any man. Those are YOUR issues, not his. Sorry just my 2 cents…but he’s obviously interested in you, and I just want you to get this guy, he sounds awesome!!!!

    (((((((((Lovergirl))))))))))))



  359.  #359Liquid Light on February 1, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    Trust is a choice!! And that is good news!!!!



  360.  #360Azure Blu on February 2, 2016 at 12:42 am

    Lovergirl #348
    Your job sounds like it is going well…
    It seems not long ago when you were struggling with lack of a job – now you have one and you are doing GREAT!

    You were struggling with discovering YOUR boundaries,
    with S… expressing your feelings and holding those boundaries… and You have done that so well !!!
    I am so inspired by how you handle this relationship with S…
    despite loving him… you still walked away…
    unless he gives you what you want in a relationship.

    Brava!!! lovely Siren!!!

    Such lovely evenings you wrote about with Radio CD… you sound so open hearted with him…
    So respectful and receiving of his love and affection!
    Thank you for sharing your growing self love and
    innocent heart!



  361.  #361Azure Blu on February 2, 2016 at 1:44 am

    Lotus #350
    Thank you so much for sharing this…
    I am absorbing all of these great conversations
    about the different approaches to handling money in a partnership!!
    It is VERY helpful



  362.  #362Azure Blu on February 2, 2016 at 1:52 am

    Liquid Light #358-59
    I love your challenge here…
    Just believe him!!!
    It’s a choice…

    I need to continue to do this with Spirit!
    I notice the more I am open hearted and trusting…
    the more he tries to prove me right!!!

    Then, when I am feeling unlovable, not funny enough
    not smart enough not interesting enough
    the grimlins sneak in and
    I start not trusting our relationship and him…

    I will put my hand on my heart and feel the soft pink love from my body fill my heart!
    and I will choose to trust!



  363.  #363Tereana on February 2, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Emerson – glad you liked my post. And nice to “see” you again

    Just to be clear – maybe my idea was a bit obscure. My thought was not really about heart-“breaking.” I’m putting it in quotes because my idea was that the “breaking” part does not truly exist. What I was suggesting was that what we often feel as a “break” is in fact the OPENING that you were asking about.

    We assume that OPENING the heart will feel soft and lovely. And in some cases, it might. But if it opens wide all at once in a sudden way – it might just feel as if it is tearing us apart.

    It is a whole new way of thinking about how we feel in these moments. Your question inspired me to post about it



  364.  #364Tereana on February 2, 2016 at 5:49 am

    So I just want to share a little bit more about where I “am” right now. For about a year, I have been involved with a guy who was here – I met him locally – then he moved away. He was supposed to come back, and he asked me to “wait for him” (which I agreed to do). But then he ended up staying, because of his parents. So at the time, I said “no, that’s nkt ok.” And we sort of broke up. But I still had feelings for him.

    I guess he had feelings for me too. And eventually, we started talking again. He was calling me all the time, just like I wanted. He would send me messages in the morning, just like I said I liked. There were so many good things and ways he was working to please me. I was loving it. But I also found myself feeling unhappy and frustrated.

    And I finally told him why: no matter what we did and how much we loved each other, he had still chosen to stay with his parents, and that meant he was not actively choosing a way to be with me. He was happy, because he likes being with them and he can still talk to me. But I was not happy, because I am still here, and I am not getting the love I need, in the form of actual touch. And I can’t really blame him for that. He made the best choice for him. But it doesn’t work well for me.

    And I kind of left it at that.

    I feel freer now. I feel more relaxed, at ease. I am not stressed about what he is or isn’t doing. And I’m not having any expectations.

    And I am enjoying talking to this new guy, who lives lot of state and it talking about coming to visit me. He hasn’t decided yet. But there again, I’ve decide to let him have his space to decide, without having any expectations of what will or will not happen. This, too, is freeing.

    I am enjoying the sexiness of how I feel when I talk to him, reveling in thoughts of how delicious it might be if he does come to see me – knowing that he’s listened to me, he “gets” me, and he respects my boundaries. I am loving it. That makes me feel soooo sexy…



  365.  #365Lovergirl on February 2, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Liquid Light 358-359-

    I admit that is super scary to me. I feel a lot safer with the idea he is unavailable. Otherwise, all this masculine energy coming towards me just really frightens me. I don’t know what to do with it all. That is DEFINITELY something I need to work on!



  366.  #366Lovergirl on February 2, 2016 at 8:59 am

    Azure 360-

    Thank you again! I am doing so much better in my job situation and I do enjoy RadioCD. S, I haven’t heard from for a bit but I’m handling it okay. My emotions are still across the map but I feel like I did the right thing in walking away.



  367.  #367Jaime on February 4, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Hi all, it’s been so long since I’ve read or wrote here on the blog. I miss you ladies!

    So much has happened. But one thing that is pretty big is that I had a baby. I moved to Israel from Toronto a year and a few months ago and for reasons that are out of my control I’m not able to go back with my 3 kids to Canada. Not for now at least. My baby who is 7 months old is from my previous relationship. When I got pregnant he didn’t want to stay together, and after he told me goodbye, a week later he said he wanted to talk. I felt mad at him and I had made my mind up to raise the baby on my own. I had already planned to come to Israel. I had come into problems here and it made me grow up pretty fast. I regretted not having my ex in our lives and I reached out to him. He has ignored me. I’m not sure I want a romantic relationship with him but I definitely want my son to be in his life, vice versa. Anyway, I was very comfortable circular dating. the tools I learned here were amazing. I had a year ago grew very comfortable to just enjoy dating without a serious relationship. But now, here, I realize that I want to have someone to help me raise my boys and to share my life with. The problem that I feel is that my life circumstances are so complicated and ironically some of my friends are saying I shouldn’t get into a serious relationship. But I actually want one. So I need your advice if any, what should I watch or read to get my self esteem on the level that will attract a commitment man, not just what I was into before, dating for fun only.

    Thank you!

    Hana



  368.  #368Azure Blu on February 15, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Hi Jamie,
    Welcome back… I just now saw your post…
    We are on a new post now… you might want to start posting there now…

    I know Modern Siren helped ME sooo much with self esteem… and reading all of the archived posts also…
    and I know Rori has special post just for single moms
    Keep posting here…
    We are happy to hear your siren song!
    oxoxo