After 9 Months Of Being A Girlfriend Every Weekend….What Next?

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locketHere’s a question from Cindy that starts out one way – asking about seeing other men while being “committed” to one – and though I normally would talk about Circular Dating here, and the “No Girlfriend Speech” – you’ll see how I take this in a completely new direction:

The Question:

“Rori, Is there a way to be sexually exclusive with one man while dating others until I’m in a committed relationship … after already agreeing to be in a “traditional” boyfriend-girlfriend relationship …. without it blowing up in my face? .

Been seeing my guy 9 months. Early on (after 1 month) he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying “it only takes 1 good one, I’ve found her, I don’t want to date anymore.” I told him it was too soon. After another month, I agreed. On the plus side, there was no wondering: he wanted a relationship and me as his GF. He said he didn’t want me dating others, and I had no desire to, but if I had said THEN that I would – for a while – he would have respected that boundary. But that’s not what I did, and we agreed to not see others.

He has sole custody of 2 teens. Divorced 2 years after being with one woman 25 years. We see each other only weekends, typically Saturday night thru Sunday afternoon (with occasional exceptions). He’s financially strapped, and doesn’t take me out (but he’ll cook and bring dinner over sometimes; if i go to his place he’ll cook). He’s respectful, sweet, phones me every night.

Sometimes romantic. My friends and family like him. We laugh, we’re on the same page intellectually, have great physical chemistry. I’m his sounding board; he’s a bit self-absorbed, I’m a bit nurturing. He is a good man, devoted father. He tells me he appreciates how wonderful and awesome I am, because I’m understanding about his situations.

I’m not needy, I make myself available to see him but also do my own thing … but I feel off-balance because of inconsistent energy — sometimes I feel he is not in love. He’s a relationship guy, but I wonder if it’s less about me and more about him missing being in a relationship. He may view me as temporary comfort, or as his future – but I have no idea!!

I want to date others not because my interest is waning, but because (1) I want to take care of myself and (2) make sure he values and pursues me, so that I can see if he’s what I want. BUT, I did not establish upfront months ago that I’d keep options open until I had a formal commitment. I love him but don’t yet know if I want a future with him.

I’m OK in the present as we continue to get to know each other, but again, I want to take care of myself. Is there a way to fix this without jeopardizing any potential we may have? We’ve developed a certain level of intimacy that comes with trusting your partner is not actively out looking, and I don’t want to ruin that. If I were to date other men during the week without telling him I would feel as if I am cheating on him. And I’m not a cheater.
Thank you for your help.

My Answer:

Cindy – I have many ideas from what you’ve written, the first thing I’ve thought is that weekends are NOT enough after 9 months, and has there been discussion of living together or marriage, or adding another 2 nites to the week?

If you’re not that into him, then he REALLY has to pursue you!

Circular Dating doesn’t mean you have to “date” someone – you can go places and talk to men, you can have coffee when you meet someone…you can explore without guilt if you don’t have sex with anyone…

The moment you meet someone you WANT to have sex with – you have to talk with your “boyfriend” about how this is going to proceed.

In the meantime – try my newest Tool – it’s actually the only “strategic” thing I do (and please try one or all of my new Coach Trainees to help you with it – it’s complex) – I call it “Settling Him In.”

You Settle Him In by getting him to spend more time at your home (which you clearly can’t do because of the kids) – and so you’ll have to spend more time at HIS home.

The thing here is to get the feeling of a comfortable, easy-going, living-together kind of thing where he feels no pressure, and you feel happy.

You want to put a STOP to the “dating” conventions of “him taking you out” – and instead do what “couples” do – hang out.

Go for walks. Go to the gym together. Walk dogs together, take kids to soccer practice together. Run errands together.

Share space where he’s doing what he does, and you have plenty to occupy yourself at his house when he has the kids – and at YOUR house when he doesn’t!

And what about ALL of you at YOUR house, watching TV! Get a big-screen TV and put on the SPORTS!!!! Sit with them, give them popcorn, and then go do whatever YOU do, and leave them together in front of your big TV!

(If your home isn’t comfortable enough to be a great place for them all to want to hang out – then you’ll have to go to his house, and establish some “girl space” there…)

There are a lot of moving parts here...and so contact one of my Trainees…(see post on Rori Raye Relationship Coach Trainees…)

Also – because you’re doing all the “wanting” and he’s happy with the way things are, you’re emotionally detaching from him and thinking about other men.

In many ways – this is a GOOD thing – by treating a man as a “friend,” you skip the whole needy/desperate vibe.

The problem happens when this simmering frustration makes you shut down and go “cold.”

The whole “Modern Siren Combo” is about creating BOTH “Distance” AND “Warmth.”

From Cindy:

Thank you! As a PS, I am VERY into him. That’s the “problem” — does that change your advice any? There has been NO discussion of living together or seeing more of each other.

From Rori:

So – you have your answer. Settling Him In is how you do it.

Seeing more of each other has to be an important step for “both of you” to decide if this is going to work. It needs to be a REQUIREMENT for continued exclusivity.

Instead of making an “ultimatum,” though – what you want to do is share how important it feels to you to be around each other. To spend time together hanging out in his home casually, hanging with the kids. “Parallel Play,” where he’s doing his thing, you’re doing your thing, and you’re just “sharing space.”

This is what married life is like – and you want to approximate that.

No one has to “entertain” anyone. You’re just sharing space, having fun – and having sex.

From there, it either moves forward or it doesn’t…and if you stay alert and still work the Tools, it’ll move faster than you imagine.

If you set YOURSELF a “Timeline” – and he isn’t moving forward and Settling In – That’s the time for the No Girlfriend Speech and a “Shock-And-Awe” approach.

Note: Don’t tell HIM about your Timeline – it isn’t for him or about him.  It’s about how long (perhaps 3 months) you’ll invest in exclusivity with him (this does NOT prohibit Circular Dating in any and all forms except an actual, traditional “date” where YOU’D feel weird and disrespectful of the agreement you’ve created in your OWN mind…) before you totally walk away if he isn’t moving forward.

This is just a small idea of the Settling Him In concept….go get someone (or ALL my Trainees) to guide you through it!

Love, Rori

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156 Comments

  1.  #1Vi on October 15, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Woohoo! 🙂



  2.  #2Vi on October 15, 2013 at 6:34 am

    To me, Cindy sounds amazing…



  3.  #3Daria on October 15, 2013 at 6:47 am

    Ah i feel like grabbing rori by the neck and shaking her

    no no no no no no ! this seems just like what the woman Bookie lives with is doing

    i feel so sad!!!!

    🙁

    ugh

    at least he’s still contacting me and wanting me

    or was… smh

    this sucks big time



  4.  #4Daria on October 15, 2013 at 6:48 am

    i feel really disappointed i feel like crying

    ugh

    if i didnt agree to come see him that one time with my gf when she suggested i go, i probably would still be detached with him chasing me

    :/

    now instead im here worrying that i wont meet a man i feel as good with for another few years



  5.  #5Daria on October 15, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Mercedes – did Rori say anything?



  6.  #6Daria on October 15, 2013 at 7:01 am

    i feel totally panicked and urgent and i feel like contacting him on facebook right now!

    last time i heard from him i was kinda cold unemotional and the convo was short… 🙁 He can feel me from a distance so he probably felt my coldness

    i was actually thinking about him at the time and feeling kinda undecided on what to do regarding our dynamic and feeling stressed… so i was cold

    i recently had gotten myself up with the support of some women and felt so grounded and i realized i could totally be warm with him And hav my boundaries, in fact Because of my boundaries, felt so strong inside me like a rock and i was lounging on it in the sunshine

    but now that feeling is gone

    omg i feel so panicked with this perspective that this woman is wooing a man who was in love with me right out from under me by Strategizing and not having requirments… WTF

    i guess i could turn my back on it all but if i occasionaly pined for him throughout these 5 years why would it stop now. what if it doesnt stop

    cuz it Doesnt stop in the morning knowing we could hang out

    im feeling so rushed right now i just feel the urge to just keep typing and typing and i feel like crying



  7.  #7Daria on October 15, 2013 at 7:02 am

    and all these freakin coaches stop offering their free services on November 1st, thats exactly when i get back and would want help with this FUUUUUUCCCCCK



  8.  #8Daria on October 15, 2013 at 7:13 am

    on the other hand all this panicking is showing me how this connection is not serving me

    although it did serve me at first, to have someone consistently contacting me at the exact times i felt lonely (mornings and more) and available to spend time with me

    but now that has changed ahhh

    it felt so good at first

    ‘oh well’ feels bad to hear right now

    i feel disappointed



  9.  #9Karen on October 15, 2013 at 7:26 am

    So, how do I maintain this closeness/settling in in a long distance scenario? We’re seeing each other every night now, and it’s wonderful! But because of work, he will be out of state at the end of this month. We will probably see each other fri night-Mon morning at most, every week/every other week…What kind of mindset would you advice so I stay not panicky (that I would lose our closeness) and just solid warm and open?



  10.  #10Daria on October 15, 2013 at 7:33 am

    i feel so furious i feel like telling him all this shit about how he lost me and then i feel scared that will push him away and i just feel like rolling my eyes

    ugh!

    what drama! if i hadn’t leaned forward i wouldn’t have thrown myself into this

    back on my bridge back on my bridge what a solid tool



  11.  #11dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Rori, I am in a one year relationship where we have settled in. It is wonderful and almost everything I ever dreamed of….the almost part is that I would like to be married. We have never pressured each other. We have mutual respect and love and talk about our future together all the time. What we don’t talk about is marriage. I’m not sure how to bring it up, but I would like to. Any suggestions?



  12.  #12Linda on October 15, 2013 at 8:44 am

    I guess I spoke to soon. FavoriteCD popped back on my radar. He text me pics with captions he typed under them of us over the last year. This morning a Good Morning at 4:50 AM (when he knew I would be up getting ready for work).

    I have been reflecting and reading the blog this morning when I while I am working (shhhh dont tell)

    I came across some posts to and from Turquoise I had a light bulb moment! This is what I have been dealing with almost exactly!!!. A good man with toxic behavior. Spews at people behind the wheel, women, throws tyraids…etc etc.

    It feels AWESOME to know that I have grown to the point that I will not put up with bad behavior just for the sake relationship!! YEAH for ME! Doing a happy dance today instead of being sad that relationship is not working out is kind of mind boggling for me.

    Yesterday I told FavoriteCD … I cannot make a commitment to a relationship where I face retribution when I share with him. and that as things are now, I do not see a rewarding healthy relationship flourishing between us.

    When I read what Turquoise was saying and responses to her… I feel inspired. I certainly do not want to go into “fix it” mode. I like how girl energy feels much more than boy energy. I know HE has to do the work… I like the line…”because this relationshop is important to me…”

    I certainly have taken a step back…How does one inspire ?



  13.  #13Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Linda – 11- You inspire by focusing on you and your healing and growth.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart

    If he’s the one for you, this will just be.

    xxoo



  14.  #14Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Dominique #12,

    What you said is so beautiful, and I know deep down in my being this is true, yet it’s making me feel so sad today. I don’t know why. Is this idea meant to trigger deep sadness? Somehow I feel the answer is yes. As far as I’ve come, there are still days it feels wrong and all over the place.



  15.  #15Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:47 am

    D said some stuff yesterday which I kinda wish he hadn’t said, because it put my thinking mind in overdrive. He asked me if I was dating anyone, and he asked me who I went up to that beach town with on Sunday. And he said that he felt he and I could never be “in-between”, that we would either need to be just friends, or properly together. He said we could “talk” when he was finished a gig he was doing in early November. His words aroused a subtle feeling in me that I couldn’t name or understand.

    Oh well. Going to try and just keep living my life. Sometimes I wish men made more sense to me. But I suppose I don’t really need them to. Ugh, strange feelings.



  16.  #16Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Every guy friend I’ve had wanted more than friendship….I feel sad about that because I crave a close male friend or two (completely platonic).

    I feel frustrated and annoyed. I’m trying to warm to other men, and they notice me I smile, but I don’t like it when they notice another woman. I feel like I am having to compete with other women…..and that makes me want to just forget about men for a while.

    I feel like, if a man is a match, then he won’t be checking me out, then checking another woman out to see who he likes best. It’ll be me who catches his attention.

    I feel confused and frustrated.



  17.  #17Mercedes on October 15, 2013 at 10:04 am

    This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I’ve since taken all kind of steps to make SURE it doesn’t happen to J and I:

    “Also – because you’re doing all the “wanting” and he’s happy with the way things are, you’re emotionally detaching from him and thinking about other men.

    In many ways – this is a GOOD thing – by treating a man as a “friend,” you skip the whole needy/desperate vibe.

    The problem happens when this simmering frustration makes you shut down and go “cold.””

    J and I are best friends and we communicate our wants and needs anytime they come up. I think it will help ensure I don’t detach like I did with my ex. By the time he even noticed, it was WAY too late. J and I have a commitment to share these things. Any little hint of them. And to be openhearted when the other one shares. I think it will help keep us from wanting to the point that we can’t work it out. I like that thought a lot!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  18.  #18Mercedes on October 15, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Daria: No…she didn’t respond. Hopefully she still will. But, the question is really about men and what they will do. It’s not really Rori’s area to focus on that, so I don’t know if she’ll want to discuss from that perspective or not…

    Hopefully we’ll hear something. I think it would make for interesting conversation and I can see that you, for your personal life, would really like to hear her voice on that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  19.  #19Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 10:07 am

    I feel tearful, and sad.

    I feel like giving up on love with a man.

    I feel broken and odd. All my friends are happily settled with men who seem to care about them.

    And I am alone. I am feeling sorry for myself. It’s pathetic…it feels pathetic and boring.

    I feel bored of feeling this way.



  20.  #20dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Don’t give up Lemonbutter. Just keep on going. DO NOT SETTLE.



  21.  #21Veronica on October 15, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Indigo – I admire your depth and strength.



  22.  #22Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Lemonbutter – 15 – Men check women out; it’s how they are wired, BUT they also check out other men, children, animals, cars, and whatever else catches their eye. They notice things and people. They are curious. This doesn’t mean necessarily mean anything more than this.

    Even if he does think a woman is attractive, even if he feels brief and fleeting arousal, so what. This doesn’t mean he wants her. If he’s with you, he wants only you. And can easily turn to you with love and lust, anyone or anything else completely forgotten.

    Other women are actually good for you. Other women’s feminine energy can build up arousal and feelings within him which are evocative of you. Yours too of course. And he WANTS to bring this home to YOU and only YOU.

    Can you truly say that no other men turn you on if only a teeny bit. This doesn’t necessarily mean you want anything to do with them, does it? It’s no different for a man.

    xxoo



  23.  #23Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Veronica, thank you 🙂 <3



  24.  #24Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Lemonbutter 18

    I have learnt that this feeling is just a phase, one of many… to be loved and embraced and flowed with. Soon, you will hopefully be able to take the judgments out of it and allow yourself to flow with the feeling, realizing that your time has not yet quite come.



  25.  #25Mercedes on October 15, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Dominique – 21 – I love what you say here. So true yet sometimes so hard to apply to our own lives. I absolutely LOVE it. I read a saying once “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it really is…a dissatisfaction with self.” (Joan Didion) – Which feels so true to me and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve repeated that to myself so that I can really see that any form of jealousy or insecurity in my life is only a reflection of how I see myself. I don’t think this is true for everyone or all cases but it rings true for those periods in my life.

    LOVE it!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  26.  #26Waterfall on October 15, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    This is really triggering me.

    My CD doesn’t seem to pursue me in a way that makes me feel loved, desired and most importantly secure.

    I feel like fleeting fancy to him.

    He gets in touch regularly, yet I never feel relaxed in his company – I always feel like I have to ‘entertain’ him and be funny, and make him ‘like me’.

    I was looking at some old emails that he had sent me and I sound so overly ‘perky’ and like I am really, really trying to impress him. You can just here it in my vibe.

    I generally am quite an upbeat friendly person, but for some reason with him I feel fake and self conscious – I suppose it’s because there is an air of ‘attitude’ about him. I guess I am just noticing the contrast.

    I am always upbeat and perky, which I am anyway, but I feel uncomfortable next to him as he is slightly sarcastic and piss taking. Hmmm…

    The other day we went out to the cinema and we went to see a film that I felt really uncomfortable with. He didn’t seem to care, or pick up on it.

    But, I still can’t seem to tell him to go away and leave me alone. I don’t really know why?

    Every time he is gone I start to really miss him, I wonder what he is doing and I start to remember just the good times.

    Plus. I am scared of being on my own. Again.

    I am feeling so influenced by him, and I just feel surrounded by thoughts of him.

    When I am with him I feel like an amazing weak character – yet, it is me that wants to go back for more. How quick I forget.

    I also start to think maybe I have done something wrong? I start to process and over analyse.

    I guess really I should be feeling not thinking.

    How do I feel? Scared, worried, excited, intrigued… wanting to ‘figure’ him out. Lol, I should not be doing that.

    I want to feel pursued and safe. Though I wonder if that also deep down equals ‘boring’ to me??

    Deep, deep down I am scared of being on my own. I feel amazingly physically connected to this man.

    I feel unable to se the wood through the trees. I have been so lonely for so long this connection makes me feel so safe and secure when it is there, but there is a fear that it will go, be taken away from me.

    How do I deal with this?

    I feel butterflies. I feel unsure of what to do. I feel scared of being apart from him.

    I feel butterflies in my stomach. My stomach aches.. It feels swollen and neglected and sore.. I feel tired and drained and my face feels tired…

    I feel unable to concentrate on small tasks…

    i forgive me for feeling like this. I love me, and want the best for me, I will try and love me… and pamper me…



  27.  #27Waterfall on October 15, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    I know I’ve tried to remain open to this man, now I NEED to stop doing that… I need to not be warm and let him in, he is destroying me…

    I feel so bad and disloyal writing this.

    The last thing that he told me was that he was trying to please me but didn’t know what to do and was feeling really exasperated…

    I feel so scared… I want to hug myself..



  28.  #28dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    (Waterfall)



  29.  #29dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Waterfall, what would happen if you just stopped? You just stood back and observed? What would happen? Would he take the lead? Would he leave because there was no action? What would happen? What are you afraid of?



  30.  #30Waterfall on October 15, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    The crux of it is, I cannot relax for him, I do not feel good enough for me. Even, no matter what he tells me about how much he likes me, desires me.

    Hmmm.. can I shift myself… can I do anything about this, or am I just latching on to a feeling..??



  31.  #31dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    Do you want more from him than just him telling you he likes you or him telling you he desires you? Does he follow up these words with actions? Do you really “feel” not good enough, or do you “know” something is missing from him? Is your intuition telling you he says one thing, but does another? Is he just clueless (like when he didn’t get it that you were uncomfortable seeing the movie). Is that something you will just have to accept?



  32.  #32Waterfall on October 15, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Do you want more from him than just him telling you he likes you or him telling you he desires you?

    Yes – I guess I want more than that.

    Does he follow up these words with actions?

    No – not really. It all feels a bit empty to tell you the truth

    Do you really “feel” not good enough, or do you “know” something is missing from him?

    I “feel” not good enough. There is little eye contact from him. His face doesn’t light up when he sees me. He never seems happy just to see me.

    I don’t understand this:

    ‘or do you “know” something is missing from him?’

    Is your intuition telling you he says one thing, but does another?

    Yes – it is my intuition, something just feels off. Like he doesn’t seem to want me to truly express myself when I am around him. He seems to like it when I am concise and to the point – and I’m not always like that.

    Is he just clueless (like when he didn’t get it that you were uncomfortable seeing the movie).

    Yes – I think so, but you know, I am not 100% sure.

    Is that something you will just have to accept?

    Yes, I guess it is.



  33.  #33dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    I was in a relationship like that a year ago. Although I did get a lot of what I needed emotionally, which I don’t think it sounds like you are getting. Anyway, he was a really good guy (just ask him), and even though I “knew – intuition” it wasn’t everything I was looking for, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have because he was such a good guy and stable and good looking, blah blah blah…and I didn’t want to be without a stable, attentive, good looking guy, even though he wasn’t EVERYTHING I wanted. He was a good companion – when he had time….I didn’t feel special.



  34.  #34dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    And he didn’t need me to make him feel special. And that was one important thing I was looking for. As soon as we had a disagreement, I figured he would use it as an excuse to “take some time to figure things out.” Which of course is exactly what happened….So when it did happen I said, okay. And I didn’t call him or message him at all. He didn’t contact me either…which hurt. But i knew it was okay because we weren’t meant to be. About a year to the day we broke up, he emailed me and said, letting you go was the biggest mistake i ever made….Duh…I knew it would be….but letting him go was not the biggest mistake I ever made…I’m much happier now.



  35.  #35Waterfall on October 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    dcd568 – fantastic! Love this:

    ‘And he didn’t need me to make him feel special. And that was one important thing I was looking for. As soon as we had a disagreement, I figured he would use it as an excuse to “take some time to figure things out.” Which of course is exactly what happened….So when it did happen I said, okay. And I didn’t call him or message him at all. He didn’t contact me either…which hurt. But i knew it was okay because we weren’t meant to be. About a year to the day we broke up, he emailed me and said, letting you go was the biggest mistake i ever made….Duh…I knew it would be….but letting him go was not the biggest mistake I ever made…I’m much happier now.’

    Hehehhehehehehehhe am laughing now, that almost sums up exactly what I think is happening for me.

    He acts like he is doing me a HUGE favour just by calling me / texting me / turning up / taking me out etc…

    I feel so patronised by him….

    Arrrggghhhh

    Yes, it is right – he does NOT need me to feel special…

    Ho hum… what a revelation…



  36.  #36dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    He acts like he is doing me a HUGE favour just by calling me / texting me / turning up / taking me out etc…

    I feel so patronised by him….

    Arrrggghhhh

    Yes, it is right – he does NOT need me to feel special…

    Oh, the memories….Mine acted like HE was the catch…and he was….but so am I….
    As soon as we broke up, (and I mean immediately because I did not want to sit around and pine for him when there was someone else out there who was interested in getting to know me – even if it didn’t turn into anything – big deal), I allowed myself to be fixed up with someone my best friend said would be a perfect match for both of us….she was RIGHT! I have never been happier in a relationship.



  37.  #37Daria on October 15, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    im feeling a little more calm

    i see im causing myself all this drama by thinking about this man so much

    yes i felt loved by him once, and that’s wonderful

    and i feel insecure now and i dont want to feel that way

    and if i dont think about him, or make him important,

    i make space for Wonderful stuf fto show up!

    geez how many wonderful men i could feel loved by hehe

    he is Not the only conscious telepathic man out tehre!

    who can love me

    and when it comes down to it, as far as us being togethr, he’s shown some signs that feel scary to me so i know i would feel wary…

    🙂

    mmmm

    right now i feel lonely not having dated for a couple months…

    soon i’ll be in an environment where i feel more confident at meeting men… and can keep practicing

    this is about ME

    not about this man who’s qualities, wonderful, loving, great touch, telepathic, deep, kind , unique, good looking, street real

    yes those are wonderful BUT

    i dont want to keep believing other men won’t have them

    🙂



  38.  #38Daria on October 15, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    i choose to believe other men will have these qualities too!

    (then why haven’t they already?)

    some have, i just felt more of them with him… and i also felt stuff that woudl be dealbreakers with othr men, albeit rare .,,i know they would come up

    i feel scared

    i feel curious and more intrigued into dealing with this

    and i feel happy smily

    knwoing im gonna be on my side and getting on my bridge no matter how strong urges are 🙂



  39.  #39dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Waterfall, you ARE good enough just the way you are.

    Would it be possible to date him AND others as well? What would happen if you said, I enjoy spending time with you, but I need more emotionally. Sometimes when we are together, you don’t even make eye contact with me. I believe you enjoy spending time with me as well, and that may just be your way, but I want more from the person I spend my free time with. So while I want to continue dating you, I would also like to see other people (CD). I understand it that’s not acceptable to you, and that would make me a little sad, but in order to find true happiness for myself as well as the man I choose to be with, I am willing to sacrifice our relationship.

    I will bet he won’t like it…he may even say, you can date whoever you want, but you can’t have me too. Then wish him good luck, tell him to take care, and move on.

    He may be giving you all he is capable of giving….and it just isn’t enough. And that’s okay. You both need to be in a relationship where you can BE yourselves without having to second guess your way of being.



  40.  #40dcd568 on October 15, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Daria,

    I smile when I read this.

    I feel scared

    i feel curious and more intrigued into dealing with this

    and i feel happy smily

    knwoing im gonna be on my side



  41.  #41Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    dcd568 #19 thank you for the encouragement not to give up. I never want to give up, though sometimes I feel tired.

    Dominique #19 I felt a little laughter flutter up when reading the first paragraph. It’s true, men do notice many things. I feel triggered when a man’s focus goes from me to another woman, even if it means nothing, something in me seems to say: “You’re not good enough!”

    I really dislike that feeling of not being good enough, and I feel frustrated that I would even feel that way.

    I remember being with a guy I had strong feelings for. He’d taken me out and we’d had a wonderful time, and then he stopped to go fetch something. I watched him do his thing, and then this girl appeared wearing the skimmpiest shorts and top, and his eyes, like arrows looked at everything. Bottom, chest, face….and he was suddenly like a starved puppy dog.

    I admit at first I felt amused….it was actually sort of funny to see, but then irritation set in, and then finally anger. I found myself not wanting him to touch me, found myself no longer wanting to speak to him. I understand he had every right to look, every right to be aroused by another female.

    I feel sad that I felt the way I did, but just knowing it’s normal for a man to notice and admire other women, doesn’t help me to stop feeling affected by that.

    Since that time, my appreciation for myself has grown. I feel more attractive, and feel more secure, but perhaps still not enough to be able to deal with that sort of situation again. It just feels slimy.

    Indigo #23 thank you for the words of encouragement. I don’t even know why I suddenly felt those things, and while I feel sad for feeling those things, I also feel happy I am more able to express them and name them and bring them up. Makes a change from trying to push them down and pretending I feel okay, when I don’t.

    I used to judge myself very negatively, that’s lessened considerably, though as I’ve experienced today, it can seep through, but I will just express it and feel it and acknowledge it and make every effort not to judge. 🙂



  42.  #42Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I feel acceptance.

    I feel a determination to stop beating myself up.

    Yes I screwed up at times and possibly pushed a man away, but….if he’d had really strong feelings for me, would he have been pushable???

    I don’t think so.

    The man I want could never be pushed away.



  43.  #43angela on October 15, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    @ Lemonbutter. Your post feels inspiring today, “the man i want could never be pushed away” Perfect



  44.  #44April Rose on October 15, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Hello ladies!

    I am coming up to five years of being a live-in girlfriend!
    Oh dear. I have become attached to the man. Yet I don’t quite have the relationship I want.
    There are things I don’t have in my relationship, that I really want: more touch! That’s my biggest one. My body craves a man’s expert touch, especially for a soothing massage. I want my man to enjoy touching me.
    My experience with WM is of being touched only briefly. I feel like my body is crying out for more quality attention. I do not know how to say anything more to him on the matter.
    I don’t want to live much more of my life settling for less.
    🙁



  45.  #45Daria on October 15, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    April Rose – I hope you don’t and that you live somewhere else soon!



  46.  #46Daria on October 15, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Indigo I’m gonna make a push here for you to start dating men romantically…



  47.  #47Daria on October 15, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Lisa – re the astrology. I’m feeling very turmoiled by some things right now too, yeet something that I know I heard from Rori or similar is : i only believe in what feels good

    so for example what if this means that this period feels intriguing and you Will have what you want, yet the next period will be EVEN MORE smooth and surprising

    not everyone is used to speaking/ writing / thinking / perceiving in this way,

    so I intend to translate other people’s consciousness through my own filter of “i don’t believe in anything that feels bad”

    sometimes i rush ahead addicted to the intrigue of ‘pain’ and ‘drama’ like rori’s mentions in the ‘painful heartbreak romance high heels and smoke post…’

    then when i do i have this consciousness that hasn’t been translated blowig through my brains … like now

    babysteps! I am gonna keep practicing until this translation is easy natural and not slow at all

    but for now it’s still stumbly like a new language… it’s easier to use the old one!

    at least i know if i use the new one (“the nothing can be bad one” , well at least i have a light at the end of the tunnel

    i can get back on this path whenever i want



  48.  #48Zia on October 15, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Just wanted to say thank you Dominique for #314 in the previous thread. Although it was directed at someone else it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning.



  49.  #49Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Karen, Welcome – For Long Distance, try my Coach Trainee Cindy Ramsey for free: http://www.CindyRamsey.com

    What you have to do is start “Settling Him Into” some plans for the future…Sit down and ask him what he wants, how he’d like to handle this…and how you two could find a way to live together and be together with all the traveling.

    If it’s been under 6 months – you’ll have to be very “light” with this – and make the most of the time you’re together…Love, Rori



  50.  #50Zia on October 15, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Waterfall – are you exclusive with this guy? if not, then dating others might give you a better perspective on the situation, especially if they are more attentive than he is. Makes it easy to observe the situation and see if its working for you x



  51.  #51Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    “AND, waiting for him, even in your mind, to step up is the fastest way to lose his interest. ”

    I do this… and I catch myself and yet, I still don’t know how to not do this… wait for them to step up….

    even after 3rd date or so I wait to see if they will step up… and I mean of course in my mind… not in my actions….

    Geez… men can smell things so easily and us women let them get by with so much… b/c we overlook it and they are so keen they sense it from us….. It’s not like I decide to do it… it just happens…

    ugg… I’m feeling so frustrated tonight…

    OXOXO



  52.  #52Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Zia – 48 – 🙂

    xxoo



  53.  #53Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    I’m feeling sad… very sad.. I think I missed the speed dating deadline b/c of work and my child’s activities.. no I’m feeling sad..

    I’m feeling depressed and sad b/c I see how I’m screwing things up and I’m sad b/c I don’t feel I’m getting this.. and all these emotions coming up… and it seems never ending…

    Oh dear I was so peaceful just a hour and half ago…

    I fee confused…..

    OXOXOX



  54.  #54Vi on October 15, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    I feel guilty for my maintenance degree. I intend to heal this. I want to feel okay with my maintenance degree. I’m sending my way warmth and love and rays of support and higs and smiles.. Hehe



  55.  #55Olivia on October 15, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    I am so happy Rori shared this Settling him In tool!
    I had a hunch about the parallel play aspect but I wasn’t sure about it – now I am going to wholeheartedly seize the next opportunity!



  56.  #56Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    @Emerson {{{Hugs}}}

    WOW i’m so on top of the world right now… I sat with my loneliness tonight… I had it big time.. and I caught myself getting anxious and not knowing what to do with myself… and I made myself do yoga… and while I was doing yoga.. it came to me… !!! about my loneliness…

    and I did the work on my painful thought about loneliness. and men…

    and I felt every ounce of the feelings and pain.. all of it.. the depression, the anger, the wanting to run… and I sat with it… in inquiry and OMG! I got to much juicy info from this… I can see what I’m doing and how I’m sabotaging my relationships…how I need me more and then less. and how exactly what Rori says about loving me first and how when men feel we NEED them in a fill me up kind of way ( b/c I can’t do it myself) then it turns them off.. OF course it does, when I come across a man that is that way and wants me to fill that hole I run… fast..

    WOW… I’m so excited that all of this came from “M” breaking up with me…

    I’m just amazed right now!!!!

    I love me…and I love men!!!… they are such incredible teachers… <3

    Thank you "M" for giving me the best gift ever! The gift of clarity and of Myself!!! I love you!

    XOXOXO



  57.  #57Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    @Daria #47 Thanks! so much! <3 for your post!!!

    {{{ hugs}}}

    OXOXO



  58.  #58Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    That guy friend of mine, the one who’s been spoiling me and taking me to nice places, asked me last night on Skype if I’d consider him and me dating again. I said no.

    Also a woman who used to be one of my best girlfriends up until she got engaged and then basically dropped off the face of the planet, contacted me yesterday out of the blue and asked if I was free for dinner Friday night.

    It was a strange kind of day.



  59.  #59Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Lisa 56,

    YAY you!! Don’t all these realisations definitely give you hope that it’s not over for you, that there’s more to come, better to come?

    x



  60.  #60Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Angela 43, thank you. I keep reminding myself of that when I feel a deep longing and sadness for the man who walked away from me, that if he’d really felt deeply for me, and really was the masculine energy man for me, he couldn’t have been pushed so easily.

    He was like a feather, so so so sensitive, I only had to blow and he flew away.

    I remember Rori saying her nothing she could do would have pushed her husband away and she just knew it. That’s the kind of man I want to attract into my life. A stone, a big boulder, who can’t be pushed away.



  61.  #61Heart on October 15, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    So so so busy lately….what’s wrong with seeing him one weekend a week? Seems adequate if you have a career and a life.

    Am I the only one feeling Surprised by this post? Settling him in seems to go against everything Rori has been advocating….Doesn’t seem romantic.

    I thought Rori was for dating and not hanging out.

    I’ve turned down so many Hang Out Invitations from men because of her advice. Telling myself I was a prize and not to make it easy on him.

    I feel so Yuck.



  62.  #62Veronica on October 16, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Mm sometimes I wonder if I’m being reckless or if there’s something in me that just goes for what I need. I chatted to Fireguy finding out if he was just sweet-talking or if that is what he’s really like. He was unapologetic about being open and then said that he hoped I could be more open with him, would consider himself very lucky. I can feel so feminine with him – this is really practicing receiving and enjoying what’s been given. I so need this, thank you so much Fireguy.

    I’m a little taken aback by how much my need is driving me – it’s as if my boy just won’t tolerate anymore vacillating, even if I have real and considerable fears. I express the fears and then suddenly I move – and the movement is swift. I feel emboldened and wonder how this will play out. I don’t want to become masculine but maybe this is the clarity of intention that I need. I’m a little surprised by myself actually.



  63.  #63Heart on October 16, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Lemon – that’s the kind of man you want…someone who will enever leave you regardless of what you do?
    Sounds more like a puppy than a man.



  64.  #64Heart on October 16, 2013 at 12:37 am

    Scratch that….puppies will leave if you treat them badly.



  65.  #65Lemonbutter on October 16, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Heart, you’re right. I don’t want a wuss who just takes whatever I do, but I don’t want a man who collapses either. A rock can take it, but also hold his own too.



  66.  #66Lemonbutter on October 16, 2013 at 1:36 am

    Not that I want to put a man into a place where he has to hold his own, but so far I feel like the men I’ve been involved with are either extremely flaky, or just so soft that all I need do is blow on them in the wrong way, and they’ll just float away.



  67.  #67Lemonbutter on October 16, 2013 at 1:41 am

    I feel sometimes like men are balloons. They float away so easily lol.

    I want one who is like a mountain. So strong, full of presence, sturdy, earthy, real.

    Not floaty light, like a girls dress.



  68.  #68Syreena on October 16, 2013 at 2:01 am

    Heart I also feel confused by this thread.

    Settling him in.

    It does appear to suggest the opposite to previous advice.



  69.  #69Femininewoman on October 16, 2013 at 5:34 am

    dcd568 hi. I believe you have to identify a moment where you share with him your dream about being married. Many of us dream about that since we were little girls and if you find it popping up as important on the inside of you I would encourage you to talk about it. Find a way to do so without it feeling weird or demanding. Maybe share it as one of your dreams for your life when he is future talking.



  70.  #70Femininewoman on October 16, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Heart – I believe the difference here is that there is an agreement for exclusivity. Also the woman “wants” to be in this relationship. He is “there” and doing the best he can with what he has. He wants to be “there” and his financial situation is a challenge which he has been up front with.

    I believe the context is very important. One size does not fit all.



  71.  #71dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Sit down and ask him what he wants, how he’d like to handle this.

    Maybe share it as one of your dreams for your life when he is future talking.

    Perfect advice for our situation. Thank you.

    Our one year anniversary is coming up and that will be the perfect time to talk about it.

    Nothing in our relationship has ever been weird or demanding. It is truly, down deep in my heart, no settling for anything less – the relationship I have ALWAYS dreamed of. It is a dream come true!



  72.  #72Femininewoman on October 16, 2013 at 5:54 am

    dcd and Waterfall – I do not like

    “Sometimes when we are together, you don’t even make eye contact with me.

    I understand it that’s not acceptable to you, and that would make me a little sad, but in order to find true happiness for myself as well as the man I choose to be with, I am willing to sacrifice our relationship.”

    What would make you sad? Him not wanting his girl to CD? Also are you telling him that he does not have the capacity to give you true happiness?

    Why bother telling him “I am willing to sacrifice our relationship”. Just reading that statement leaves me with a squeezing contracting feeling in my head and stomach. It suggests the relationship was never important to you. Like you would use him like a piece of toilet paper then flush it. What does it say about you choosing to be in a relationship that is not important to you?

    Just some thoughts……



  73.  #73Zia on October 16, 2013 at 6:01 am

    FW 70 – agree, this is how I view it. I think “settling him in” for someone with an exclusive relationship where they’re still living apart is wonderful.



  74.  #74Zia on October 16, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Heart/Lemonbutter – you cant do the wrong thing with the right man, is the spirit of what is being said. i think that’s a lovely sentiment.



  75.  #75dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 6:21 am

    72 I felt like Waterfall and I had similar experiences. I feel good about having an honest conversation with someone where I express my feelings and let them know that I really do enjoy being with them, but in order to be totally happy in the relationship I need more and if he felt like he was giving as much as he should or could and didn’t want to give any more, that would be okay, but I would have to move on without him. That doesn’t mean anything negative.

    Your analogy with the toilet paper makes me feel sick. That analogy feels disrespectful. I would never disrespect a person I was in a relationship with. You have to spend time together and develop a relationship to see where it will go. If you reach a plateau and stay there and want to move forward or make progress but the other person thinks they have done enough, then you need to communicate. I don’t think being honest is disrespectful.

    Maybe he doesn’t realize he doesn’t make eye contact. If you point it out as important to you and let him know that you need it from him, it’s his choice whether or not he feels like he needs or wants to make that effort. I wouldn’t have that conversation unless I was willing to let him go. But she seems to care for him and if he is unaware of what she needs, she needs to tell him. If he cares enough, he will make the effort, if he doesn’t, even though she cares for him, she needs to care for herself as well and move forward without him.

    I understand how that conversation can be perceived as you suggest. My feeling about their relationship was that they could have a decent, calm conversation about it. Just my perception though, since I felt a LOT of similarities in her relationship and my previous one.

    I needed to take care of me. He was a great person and gave me most of what I needed from him. But not everything. I didn’t want to settle. I saw that things were going to either change or end. If he hadn’t ended it, I would have. Respectfully, just as we handled our relationship.



  76.  #76dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I still feel really weird and misunderstood by this statement:

    Why bother telling him “I am willing to sacrifice our relationship”. Just reading that statement leaves me with a squeezing contracting feeling in my head and stomach. It suggests the relationship was never important to you. Like you would use him like a piece of toilet paper then flush it. What does it say about you choosing to be in a relationship that is not important to you?

    The word sacrifice, which I chose carefully, has meaning. It is significant. Sacrificing something means giving up something valued, giving up something valuable or important for somebody or something else considered to be of more value or importance.

    To me, the statement “I understand if that’s not acceptable to you (meaning dating him and dating others), and that would make me a little sad (meaning I would be sad to lose you if it weren’t acceptable), but in order to find true happiness for myself as well as the man I choose to be with, I am willing to sacrifice our relationship” suggests that their relationship is very important, but Waterfall’s true, authentic happiness with someone she spends her free time with is more valuable than a relationship where she is not getting what she needs whether it’s because he feels like he gives enough and doesn’t want to give more or isn’t capable of giving it to her.

    I feel curious FW why that brings such a nasty image to your mind.



  77.  #77Daria on October 16, 2013 at 7:04 am

    im still feeling sad about this settling him in bullshit

    i mean this is the same stuff i knew before Rori

    this can lead to a medium-term relationship where the man isn’t Totally into the woman, and can even leave later for another he’s more crazy for i think from what i’ve seen

    annyways i feel annoyed to hear about this now. if this was something taught earlier i may have taken a different approach in my lilfe :/

    i don’t know just feeliln pist and i guess scared



  78.  #78Daria on October 16, 2013 at 7:37 am

    ive seen so many not really what i want with the settling in approach

    i can see how it could work with an exclusive man, but then again so many of my brothers i know their girls just have no clue how unexclusive they are after settling in. and having kids at that.

    the CDing approach instead has men in the hood getting out and opening my car door… enver seen that before not even in the movies

    seen it real live in my life



  79.  #79Daria on October 16, 2013 at 7:42 am

    i know how clueless committed women can be. i remember when i was in love and totally thought the guy was not any more sxually active than me…

    then wn i got to know my brothers and saw how theyre having orgies everytime they go out lol their women had no clue!



  80.  #80Daria on October 16, 2013 at 7:46 am

    dcd i feel triggered by that word also. although logically ‘it makes sense’ , emotionally i think somone hearing that could be mightily mightily triggred…

    there’s no need to even say that inmo



  81.  #81Daria on October 16, 2013 at 7:48 am

    rori uses somthing like… “i need to take a step back to take care of myself” and other such less emotionally dramatic versions



  82.  #82dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 7:53 am

    “i need to take a step back to take care of myself”

    This does feel better. Thank you.



  83.  #83Cris on October 16, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I don’t know… maybe Karen’s boyfriend ability to continue with having so many problems in his life,
    could be appreciated



  84.  #84Veronica on October 16, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I kind of like the ‘settling him in’ idea. This happened with BM over some of the holidays we spent at his place. I had some of my own stuff that I needed to do when we were together in the same apartment, and sometimes I had stuff to do for myself. During those times he would future talk and I would let him without inserting myself into his plans. Then he would say how we actually complement each other well when we stay with each other. One time he was even talking about how his apartment was too small for two of us and what kind of apartment would suit us best. What I agreed with I said so, but once again made no move to ‘make it real’. I’d also want ‘settling him in’ for myself, not to see how we’d live but rather to be without that pressure when we’re sharing a space very temporarily and the relationship is exclusive but not ideal. Also so many of my memories of us together are of us in his apartment and not so much in my apartment.



  85.  #85Veronica on October 16, 2013 at 8:30 am

    *sometimes I had stuff to do for myself outside the apartment



  86.  #86Mercedes on October 16, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Daria: If it means anything, I would never “settle a man in” either…it feels much nicer to have him initiate all that. I prefer what J did…he settled ME in to his home. I avoided it a lot but he kept asking me to move in and kept making space for me and kept inviting me over…and I started to feel very comfortable and natural there. I am certain it could have the same effect if the woman leads and initiates that but I’m very happy I didn’t try doing it to him. It feels good knowing HE was the one moving us forward…not me.

    I can see how it would “work”, but I’m with you…I doubt it has a very high success rate with long term relationships because eventually, that man will know that the woman took all the steps to do what she needed to do in order for them to be together. I believe most men (masculine men anyway) want to be the ones to lead the relationship in whatever direction it is supposed to go.

    In my opinion, when a man is ready to commit, he does. There’s no need for him to wake up one day and realize a woman has moved him in. lol

    That said, I did make my place very comfortable for J when we started seeing each other regularly and I recommend it for all women. My house was very nice but not “girly”…a man could feel comfortable there and could see himself bringing his friends over, etc. I also made space for him and welcomed him anytime he wanted to come over (as long as I was free). So maybe that’s the same thing she’s talking about here. I don’t know.

    I didn’t do my own thing after making it comfortable for him to be in my home though…we spent that time together. But even today, we do almost everything as a couple (even when we’re just hanging out at home). It is very, very rare for one of us to be doing one thing and the other doing something else. We spend our time together…we have since our dating days.

    Anyway, I don’t think we all have to be on board with everything Rori teaches but we can still love much of what she does teach. It’s like people always tell me here…”Circular Dating isn’t for everyone and won’t work for all situations”. I agree. I think for those people, they may want to try “settling him in”. See what works best. For me, my experience is with circular dating and I KNOW it can make a man step up very, very quickly…this feels a bit like manipulation but I guess if it works it works and I’m happy for anyone who finds their true love no matter how they accomplish it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  87.  #87Mercedes on October 16, 2013 at 8:35 am

    But I do think that after 9 months of being together, if he can’t spend more time with her than this and isn’t doing anything to move the relationship forward…I’d recommend circular dating as the quickest way to find the relationship she desires. I’d have the no girlfriend speech very soon. This situation is like EXACTLY what that speech was made for.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  88.  #88Lisa on October 16, 2013 at 9:20 am

    @ Indigo….<3 Thanks!!!! {{{ hugs}}}

    It leaves me with inner peace.. I'm soaking up the now… and though it does leave me with the yummy feeling that "I'm" what I need right now…

    today I had more clarity and realized ( not just saying it, but actually realizing it) I'm committed to myself and have been for 20 years that is my marriage.. When I said that to my therapist today huge tears and a profound realization, deep breathe OMG! I've really been married to myself for 20 years… I've turned men down for 20 years… b/c my love for myself was stronger than, being with a man that wasn't supportive of my growth and who I was inside…

    I'm feeling so peaceful and clear right now… this completeness feeling… yummy feeling…

    OXXOXO



  89.  #89Lisa on October 16, 2013 at 9:22 am

    @Dominique Really? That’s good to know “honest me” is a turn on…. hummm 🙂

    I could turn them all around …. that might be nice…

    Thanks!
    OXOXO



  90.  #90Daria on October 16, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Maybe this is what to do with a more feminine man? like when Rori talks about if a woman is ok with being the masculine energy (yet still respect the man as a man). tho she doesn’t deeply devlop this in her programs



  91.  #91Indigo on October 16, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Just reading all these comments about the settling in approach makes me realize how different we all are, and how different the things we prefer are.

    I did a version of settling in with my ex-husband, where he was working in a different country and he paid for me to come up for a holiday, and while I was there we got into quite a nice, comfy domestic routine and he saw how nice it would be to have me around, and we started talking about the possibility of me moving over there, and before we knew it I was packing up my things and moving over. It all happened extremely fast, and we had major commitment – living together, engagement, marriage, in no time. We’d been together for a long time before that, and this just seemed to propel things forward really fast.

    With D I did a version of settling in as well, and I enjoyed it tremendously – comfy evenings at home together, rather than the pressure of going out. But that’s just me.

    I don’t think the approach itself was ultimately at fault – it was other things.

    I’d never consider doing anything like settling in unless I felt very sure of the guy’s feelings towards me, unless I felt very solid.



  92.  #92Daria on October 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Bookie man just contacted me and is like “yo” which i guess is from me beign kinda like that with him last time

    this time i felt pretty secure

    anyways he asked about me and how im doing etc

    then hes like

    “if you want to chill come visit me”

    well that feels like a turn off to me and im feeling kinda disappointed

    he’s still staying with that woman who settled him in

    visiting a man does not feel exciting or romantic lol

    im considering visiting him if i do accompanied by a guy friend who likes me lol



  93.  #93Daria on October 16, 2013 at 9:44 am

    to me thats just the problem, settling in does propel things forward, but doesnt do a great job of smoking them out imo

    its the thing most women already know how to do, and wind up in relationships that are not all about them and worshipping them as goddesses

    like the woman bookie man is living with, and hes contacting me



  94.  #94Veronica on October 16, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Hm Fireguy didn’t pitch up for our online chat. I’m having sad feelings, feelings of being duped, but that also feels like a subtle beating myself up. No. I choose this time to practice saying my feelings to me and to him if I even want to.

    I feel let down.

    I think my boy wanted to see if he was for real with me with his sweet words.

    I feel let down.

    I honestly don’t know how to learn from this so I’m going to let it go.

    I feel disappointed. I don’t want to be dropped like that. I don’t like it – it feels disrespectful.

    That feels closer to what I want to say.



  95.  #95Dominique on October 16, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Waterfall and DCD – May I suggest tweaking on this script or not giving it at all right now. It’s full of yous which will feel like accusation and blaming, and even if it’s true, it won’t likely be received well. And it’s not saying at all what you need aside from eye contact which you can easily get more of by telling how much you LOVE it when he does do this, that it makes you feel melty or heard or understood or whatever it makes you feel.

    xxoo
    So instead how about focusing more on what he DOES do and say which you enjoy, and TELL him as per the example above. Make suggestions for the rest by saying – It would feel so nice to…………….or feel…………………….or hear……………………or do……………….

    xxoo



  96.  #96Dominique on October 16, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Lisa – 80 – Honesty will trump façade any day. Most men want to know the real and authentic you, not one you think they want to see.

    xxoo



  97.  #97Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 10:07 am

    I went to my first speed dating event last night and had a ton of fun! There were a lot more men there than women so I highly recommend this for the ladies! And there were a lot of interesting men there. I guess I wasn’t expecting them to be as interesting as they were so it was a really nice surprise. Some of them were too old for me, or simply not attractive to me but there were a few I thought were interesting and attractive! 🙂 And there was one guy who seemed quite interested in me too! So it was definitely worthwhile and I think its a great a way to meet a bunch of men in a short period of time!



  98.  #98Lemonbutter on October 16, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Liquid Light, that’s great to hear. It sounds like you had a really positive experience! Did you swap number with anyone??



  99.  #99Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Lemonbutter yes! 🙂



  100.  #100LoveAdvocate on October 16, 2013 at 10:51 am

    I feel sooooo confused by this post. Isn’t what she just described just being a girlfriend? Aren’t we anti-being-a-girlfriend??!!!!? This just seems like completely takes away our desire to be pursued, pleased, and desired. It seems like being a wife without any work or commitment on his part. This “settling in” sounds like getting stuck to me. Ugh. I am a true Rori Raye devotee, but this one has me scratching my head.



  101.  #101dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 10:53 am

    95 – It’s full of yous which will feel like accusation and blaming, and even if it’s true, it won’t likely be received well. And it’s not saying at all what you need

    You are right. Even if it is true and even if it is not blame or accusation, the reception has to be considered.

    In my situation, I was ready to be done with the relationship. So if I had said those words to my BF and he received them as blame or accusation, it would have gotten me what I wanted. But it wouldn’t have been very pleasant. Not that any break up is…but I am all for trying to make break ups as painless as possible and an approach like the one you suggest would feel much better.



  102.  #102LoveAdvocate on October 16, 2013 at 10:58 am

    BTW, Daria, I love your comment:
    “its the thing most women already know how to do, and wind up in relationships that are not all about them and worshipping them as goddesses”

    For me, you hit the nail on the head. It’s easy to be “booed up,” damn-near living with a guy. That’s easy. It doesn’t make him work for my attention and affection.



  103.  #103Dominique on October 16, 2013 at 11:08 am

    dcd – 101 – 🙂

    xxoo



  104.  #104dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 11:09 am

    It’s easy to be “booed up,” damn-near living with a guy. That’s easy.

    Hahahah I love this.

    If you are at the point of seeing each other every night and comfortable with everything, but still have individual homes, how do you take the next step without becoming “booed up”. My guess is that communicating EXACTLY what you desire is key.



  105.  #105dcd568 on October 16, 2013 at 11:10 am

    …using a positive approach!

    Thanks Dominique : )



  106.  #106Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 11:35 am

    letting someone prove his worth is a really interesting concept

    not being seduced by the glitter and glam is really challenging for me I’m realizing

    showing me his character through his behavior and not his words is key

    the character comes out one way or another, its the squeezing the orange analogy, apple juice doesn’t come out when you squeeze it

    it is up to each of us to observe the behavior and then take it for what it is without excusing, spinning, downplaying, sweeping under the carpet etc which I tend to do and didn’t even know it

    being seduced by what you want to believe rather than what is, wow, that is profound! I’m realizing I fall into this trap with men a lot!

    just want to be more aware of my patterns and see how I can move beyond them when they don’t serve me



  107.  #107Indigo on October 16, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I don’t know Daria, I fully hear what you’re saying, yet my ex-husband treated me like a goddess, was a very supportive, romantic husband who adored me, and I was the one who ended it.

    I do completely hear what you’re saying, yet I just think there are variations in people, that maybe go as deep as a soul level and different things can work in different situations.



  108.  #108Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    speaking of patterns, just realizing that I started to repeat the same pattern w Hometown as I had with my ex. They both were trying to manipulate me into having sex with them! I didn’t even see this until just now. Wow! Sometimes the most obvious things are the ones you don’t/can’t see!



  109.  #109Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    that creeps me out!!!



  110.  #110Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    If it seems too good to be true then it probably is!

    that describes my relationship with my ex to a T…hahahahaha!!!



  111.  #111Lisa on October 16, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    @Dominique oh yes, though I can’t say I’m 100% authentic when dating a man, I’m close to it… I’m very honest… and though with “M” he would shut me down when I tried to tell him something he didn’t want to hear, and even said at times, I don’t want to talk about this…

    OK I was accepted into the speed dating thing tonight 11 men.. wish me luck!… wonder what might happen?, no expectations… I’m curious about these men tonight with my new found beliefs that I unwound last night…

    XOXOXO



  112.  #112Daria on October 16, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    LoveAdvocate – yup I feel good hearing the term ‘booed-up’ hehehe that’s just what I mean



  113.  #113Daria on October 16, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Indigo – if you ended it maybe you weren’t feeling fully satisfied? not moving a guy in could give a woman time to see what she wants before she winds up attached and already in… and later finding out…



  114.  #114Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    that soul level shit is what got me into Bookie Man and now he’s saying shit like “if you wnat to chill come visit me” ugh what a turn off i’m like UHHH u sound like your dick is limp lol

    lol

    oh well. I feel guilty now having written that, hmm i wish i hadn’t been the one to go all “yo” “whatsup you” last time,

    when before he was writing me sexual romantic passionate stuff

    oh well! eye roll

    i feel annoyed putting so much energy into this man

    i feel like pushing him away

    read something about women being more Borderline,

    putting up with too mcuh being too sweet, then when fed up push it away

    I want to heal



  115.  #115Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    yay Liquid Light your experience sounds awesome!



  116.  #116Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    fucck these soul level motha fucckas who wont step up or be the one for me



  117.  #117Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    @Lisa 111 OMG, cool! Enjoy, it is really fun! It can be intimidating (some of the guys were acting really weird at first, like really stand offish but then they opened up more as the speed dating officially started.) Also, it was a bit overwhelming cuz it feels like its a frenzy at times. I tried to be curious and open with each new man and I think that worked well. I got a bit impatient with the last guy (there were 16 in my group) because I felt like he was grilling me about why I didn’t have kids and never having been married. It really bugged me (no social skills IMO) but I was also really tired by that point. The good news is that I will prob never see that annoying guy again so who cares!



  118.  #118Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    thank you for being in my life, i know yall women want me in they fam and yet im not taking one in unil he show me an can on his own



  119.  #119Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Thanks Daria 115!



  120.  #120Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    my highschool boyfriend adored me, yet it didn’t feel fulfilling to me .. i ended it. felt so guilty for many years, and i wish i was more about me, then too… i wouldve ended it sooner. I didn’t want to settle down, he did.

    that’s how i want to be treated, by a man i also feel got and good with. Yay 🙂



  121.  #121Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    The other funny thing about last night’s speed dating is that I parked in a garage for the event. When I got out of the car, I noticed that each parking space had a saying stenciled on it. Mine said “The time is right to make new friends”!

    🙂



  122.  #122Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    or even better! then he dated a friend of mine, and i heard treated her badly… weird. who knows .. i just didn’t feel like he was what i had thought he was once i got to know hm. he was so nice, and i wanted cool and sexy.

    pfff

    in a way he may have been a lil feminine energy, maybe not as far as the relatiosnhips, i feel confused thking about it

    if i had known about relationships being about focusing on me, i wouldn’t have sacrifcied that in order to ‘not betray/hurt a friend(him)”



  123.  #123Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    i couldve dated him anyway! which was my premise in hs anyway… before he ‘settled me in’ due to my loyalty to not hurting friends/people i cared about



  124.  #124Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    i get settling him in tho. i thnk its a possiblity for some relationships, where the man may be a lil more feminine energy, and theres no concern abou fathfulneess, And the woman feels she’s receiving enough devotion wise



  125.  #125Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    I want a “gentleman” but they seem like they are so hard to find. I think the guy I met last night might be one. Of course they sometimes aren’t as exciting but I think I just need to retrain myself to recognize them and appreciate them!



  126.  #126Heart on October 16, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Lemon – I understand. I’ve kinda realize that what separates a flaky guy from a stand up kind of guy (isn’t what you do or say) is where and how you meet the guy.

    So the place is a big factor…



  127.  #127Heart on October 16, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Liquid – do you act like a gentlewoman? Just curious…just a question.



  128.  #128Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    I can’t believe he actually said to ‘visit him’ smh

    ugh

    and i was giving him the benefit of the doubt that now he has a job and maybe is gona plan and see me hmself

    dang i feel disappointed

    well doesnt mean it wont happen

    just meant it felt like a turn off

    i like that im feeling turned off rather than intensely thrown down



  129.  #129Daria on October 16, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    i feel this soft sadness

    im attributing it to hm and feeling kinda ‘bad’ for him

    and maybe its really My sadness i just project on men

    awww (((((Daria)))))



  130.  #130Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Heart 127 I am trying to be better about that! 🙂



  131.  #131LoveAlways on October 16, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Settling him in sounds wonderfully yummy! That feels smooth and soothing on my nerves 😀



  132.  #132LoveAlways on October 16, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    I’m feeling silky and sexy enjoying my unexpected dating drought



  133.  #133LoveAlways on October 16, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Doing a lot of circular dating in passing, in the coffee shop, harmless, warm communication and connection



  134.  #134LoveAlways on October 16, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    I guess the drought is self imposed, I have several cds clamoring to get my attention . . . I feel either annoyed or bored of them, not not feeling much like experimenting or exploring them. Not feeling turned on – need to heal something somewhere – Ha, not feeling bothered and that feels releasing and free like 20 balloons let loose in the wind



  135.  #135angela on October 16, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    @ Lemonbutter 60, You did it again, add to my good feelings. I loved that comment nothing Rori did could’ve pushed her husband away. I dont know it feels light like leaning back in a way, we wont have to work so hard for the love we want.



  136.  #136Lisa on October 16, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    @Liquid Light

    just got back… 15 men.. whew!

    and most of them were way older than me… and not just in age, but in lifestyle… another words… they were very inactive and very set in not doing much…

    but I did stay open to each one, as I do, and look them in the eyes and BE present with each one… even though I knew I wouldn’t check them as a yes… I feel every man deserves that eye contact my full attention and interest in them even though I won’t go out with them again…

    I can always find something in any man that I can sit and listen to him talk about…

    I had my shoulders back and my body relaxed and my arms feminine and relaxed…

    Only one may sat up straight when he looked at me and in my eyes and perked up! You know! and said what color are your eyes…

    I pay attention! I watched and listed to him and he was most interested in me…

    one guy who was clearly a self absorbed man…( nice looking) barely ask me anything and sat there the entire time telling me about how high class he was and all the social stuff, how many countries he’d lived in, and all the fine places… and though I’ve been to some of these places, he was so into himself, he didn’t even hear my answers…

    I’m so grateful now that I can pick these guys out much better now… the ones that sit an brag , vs the one that sat up straight in his chair- like he has just woke up! and wanted to know what I love to do… and what color my eyes were…

    Yay! and yes, it is tiring…

    Thanks!!

    OXOXOXO



  137.  #137Indigo on October 16, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    Daria 113,

    Yes you may be right. I ended it because I felt like my wings were being clipped. He was SO domestic and loving and adoring, and he seemed to want so much from a wife that I wasn’t able to give. I didn’t feel at all like I could be the fullest expression of myself, which I’ve since learnt is the most important thing in this life to me. At the time, I thought it was love and security.



  138.  #138Indigo on October 16, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    As I was going on my walk yesterday, I realize I want a man to live beside me, not complete me. Not to look after me, because I can do that perfectly well for myself, but to do little things that I would never even think of doing for myself. To give me what I couldn’t even imagine until I met him.

    Not someone to make me whole, someone to make me content.

    Someone to live his life, and me to live mine, and I can look up and see that he is walking beside me.



  139.  #139Millie on October 16, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    A man I loved once told me he felt like he had to entertain me when I tried the settling in…. It broke my heart because I brought over magazines and my work, yet he still felt like that. I did want to go out on a date like we usually did but he preferred to go out with the guys and at the time it hurt me and I didn’t understand or know how to handle that. Anyway, that week ruined whatever relationship could have been… Other times he’s told me it wasn’t my fault…. But I tried.



  140.  #140Heart on October 17, 2013 at 12:57 am

    Has anyone ever read – ” Working on yourself doesn’t work”” by Ariel and Shya Kane.

    or

    How to Create a Magical relationship (same authors -Kanes)

    I’ve read the second one.
    It completely goes against all relationship advice (in a sense) .and is basically the best thing I’ve read in a while.
    It has some drawbacks but I would encourage anyone to get it – it “works” effortlessly an whenever I try out the 3 principle I am present and life seems exciting…but I’m lazy and don’t always do it.

    If you’re a self-help junkie and you’re tired pushing that ball up that hill…I would encourage you to buy it.



  141.  #141Heart on October 17, 2013 at 1:06 am

    sorry for all the typos and mistakes…Im writing quickly on my phone…



  142.  #142Angel on October 17, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Hello sirens! I came across this amazing inspirational video (it’s short, you can watch it now) and I wanted to share it with you because it felt so powerful to me. I’ve still got goosebumps and I had a little cry after watching this, so I guess I needed it.
    http://www.faithit.com/if-ever-woman-in-the-world-heard-this-message/



  143.  #143Zia on October 17, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Tonight’s date was by far the best first date I’ve ever been on. And I’m referring to how *I* felt mostly… I’ve never felt so relaxed, secure and at-ease on a date in my entire life! The guy was really lovely and the vibe felt good, but I actually think that was 90% because of my own peacefulness and relaxed state. This is how dating SHOULD be!!!



  144.  #144Zia on October 17, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Heart – i’m a self help junkie and now that I’ve pushed that ball up the hill, it’s now gently and easily rolling down the other side. Loving it 🙂



  145.  #145CurvySiren10 on October 17, 2013 at 7:18 am

    138 Indigo~ I love this. I always refer to it as a “dance”, where you are close but not crashing into each other. A delicate “orbiting” of beings…never colliding, but ever-so-close. This is what defines a healthy relationship to me. I’ve been in the other kind and found it smothering and unbearable ultimately.



  146.  #146Karoline on October 17, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Sirens,

    I am facing a problem. Me and my boyfriend are living together for 6 months. And apparently the passion is gone. He didn’t want me anymore. If we are going to sleep, he pretends he is already asleep to not have sex with me. I am lost. My man doesn’t want me anymore. What to do?



  147.  #147Waterfall on October 17, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I keep getting rejected from all these companies I am applying too, and I feel so depressed.

    Why do some people glide through life? They are not better than me??

    Whenever I go in for interviews I look around at the people working there and I wonder how they have got jobs but I haven’t.

    What is wrong with me? I feel so depressed… Why am I always wrong for these jobs. I am feeling so unbelievably paranoid..

    No-one seems to want me…

    I feel upset… I feel like I just want to hide under the covers…It’s like I want to scream – why doesn’t anybody like me??

    I have the same experience as so many other people, I have a good CV and portfolio – what is going wrong for me? I can not work it out…

    I feel so sad and dejected..



  148.  #148Cris on October 17, 2013 at 8:33 am

    @Waterfall, I know it is easy to talk not being in your shoes, but feeling rejected personally when looking for a job must be avoided… just because you have to feel good and secure when attending other interviews! all my best wishes



  149.  #149Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Lisa 136

    Yes, I noticed that too. Many of the men were very self absorbed and went on and on about themselves. Sigh.

    It sounds like you enjoyed it too overall. Yay!

    I’d do it again and now that I know what to expect, I’d be more prepared. I’m going to another event next Tuesday but its more of a mingling thing.

    I like the idea of just trying out lots of different ways to meet men. Its kinda fun trying this stuff out, I really never saw myself doing speed dating so I was kinda surprised at myself when I signed up! hahahaha!



  150.  #150Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Waterfall, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time finding a job. Those people are not better than you. A lot of it is luck and timing. I’m sure that you will find something soon. Please don’t be so hard on yourself (I know that’s easier said that done sometimes)! You’re just in a temporary slump but that can change, it will get better! Good luck and hang in there, girl!



  151.  #151Indigo on October 17, 2013 at 10:19 am

    CurvySiren,

    🙂

    Yes! That is how I see it too.

    Smothering relationships make me feel like I want to throw up. I am extremely sensitive to someone invading my space, and it’s something I love about myself.

    For me, a healthy relationship is as you describe, and is all about comfort and contentment. For me. And to be comfortable and content, I have to have the space to breathe and extend my wings.

    x



  152.  #152Indigo on October 17, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Waterfall 146,

    I know you feel this way, but you have got to know that it’s just not true.

    Try and let that be a comfort to you, because these thoughts of yours are just that, thoughts. They come from your fear, and when you can see that, you can laugh at your fear and pat it on the head or give it a hug.

    The world around you tends to reflect back to you what you think about yourself. Not as a truth, but as a way of showing you what you think about yourself. If you really thought about the truth of it all, you would likely see that there are many people who like you, that you *are* capable and accomplished, that yes indeed, anyone would be lucky to have you.

    It’s true. I promise. You just have to believe it.



  153.  #153Rori Raye on October 17, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Karoline, I’m so sorry, and there are many things you can “do” – though I would never want to be with a man who didn’t want me. Try one of my new Coach Trainees for free…The list is here in a post, and you can also write Melanie@CoachRori.com for it. Love, Rori



  154.  #154sequoia on October 18, 2013 at 6:45 am

    waterfall 23 or 32 – i don’t want to scroll all the way up now.

    I haven’t read through all your posts…
    I wanted to say that I believe there are a lot of good man out there, but than there are also a lot of weird ones, and I mean really weird, like their mind has been altered and they just do not care about things most humans care.
    I am not saying your CD is like that, but its important that we are aware of this. Of course there are also women but I have the feeling there are more man. There are so many crazy things happening, like mind control ultra, cloning, and this is not since fiction, there are quiet some articles in mainstream media on this and more is and will be coming to the light.

    Just yesterday on my dating site I received a mail from a good and wealthy looking man, telling me that he is looking for a partner, a normal women, for warmth and closeness, but also housework, children,… if I am interested I may contact him.
    He was describing the women he’s looking for like some gadget. I felt really put of by it and the vibe I got from him, even so he’s good looking was strange.

    Just recently I have come across some shocking truth reg. of how the normal population of this earth is messed around with and I feel I have to be realy carefull now, esp. with the men i let into my life.
    This is another reason why to take it very slow, and to not get pulled in because he’s just good looking or some kind of powerful or attractive man.
    I feel its very important to take ones time, to feel about things and to trust one intuition.



  155.  #155Amazed on October 22, 2013 at 11:53 am

    #138 Indigo – Wow…love that… I realize I want a man to live beside me, not complete me. Not to look after me, because I can do that perfectly well for myself…Not someone to make me whole, someone to make me content.

    Someone to live his life, and me to live mine, and I can look up and see that he is walking beside me.

    That is awesome…makes me feel so peaceful and happy and I feel like I am presently with that man… 🙂



  156.  #156Linda on November 18, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Just turned 64. I look 54. Have been divorced 11 years. Met a man 2 1/2 years ago. I was smitten. We were best friends lovers and constant companions until the 30 th of June when he announced he had fallen in live with someone else. I was devastated. I had no idea he was even seeing anyone else. I knew we had issues but my father had just died and I was going through a deep depression and attributed it to that. He told me he loved me but was not in love with me.
    We did not see each other for two months and then he called me in August telling me that he was no longer seeing this other woman. He told me he missed me everyday. He told me that the grass was not greener and he had made a mistake he had had the best woman all along.
    Recently he has grown distant again. I actually caught him meeting up with her and lying to me. He says is was to resolve returning furniture he was storing etc.
    Then one day when I asked about the distance I was feeling he said it again. I love you but I’m not I. Love with you. He makes plans for us. We do everything g together. He tells me he loves me every day, after every phone call and every text.. But he no longer sleeps over.. He no longer invites me to sleep over.. He is slipping away again. It breaks my heart..
    I lost 30 pounds in 2 months the last time this happened. I’m reading your book.. I bought your package of tapes. I’m desperate. And your right he knows it.