After A Year And A Half – NOW You Find Out He Doesn’t Want A Serious Relationship – EVER!

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Here’s a letter from Joanne, who’s been blindsided by a guy she’d invested a year and a half with…

“I asked the guy I have been dating for 1 1/2 years where he saw things going?

His reply…I don’t think I am ever interested in a serious relationship. What is my next move if he calls or messages me? Joanne”

My Answer:

Your next move is simple – you CANNOT be EXCLUSIVELY involved with a man who isn’t interested in forming a lifelong partnership with you – if that’s what you want with HIM..(not all women want that, even after 1 1/2 years) –

You’re going to have to decide if you want to end it quickly, with no contact, or if you want to do this more slowly – I say try what I’ve written below FIRST (with a short timeline for yourself to start Circular Dating and see what happens) – before you dump him.

So – this is the “No Girlfriend Speech” – your personal version, change the words if you like, but retain the “I Feel, I Don’t want, what do you think?” formula –

“Sweetheart, I’m feeling shaky even bringing this up.

When I asked you where you saw us going, and you said you weren’t interested in a serious relationship – I take that to mean you don’t want to get married to me, or even live together forever.

And I totally get that and truly appreciate your being so honest and straightforward with me.

And what I’m looking for is a real partnership, and so, though I feel great being with you, and may enjoy continuing to date you, I can’t be exclusively involved with any man who doesn’t want what I want.

I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking to be married or in a lifelong partnership.

I don’t feel ready to stop seeing you at this moment, I’m feeling very upset and shakey and don’t want this to end, and yet I see I need to keep my options open.

What do you think?”

He’ll either get angry and defensive – in which case just stand there and HEAR him without getting defensive yourself.

You can say –

“I don’t know what I’m going to do or how this is going to look, I only know I don’t want to be just a girlfriend. I feel such strong and loving feelings for you…I get and respect your need to stay free and non-committed, and yet that isn’t what I want right now. I feel confused, and all I want right now is to be able to talk with you, and for us to be honest with each other and see what happens.”

And NOW – you HAVE to Circular Date (it’s not about dating…)

Read about it here,  ask for help from the amazing women here – and get Targeting Mr. Right and Modern Siren to help you through this (make sure you have the ebook first so you have all the basics.

Talking straight to a man is a very advanced and feminine way of being, and it takes skill and practice to learn how to do it FAST (just a few days concentrated learning and practicing is all you need to make this work…)

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Heart on September 17, 2012 at 8:04 am


  2.  #2Heart on September 17, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Rant: I gave this JackAss the opportunity to step back in a goood way…I Feelingmessaged it out and he said – We should discuss it blahblahblah…Then when I took a little time and Emailed him….He Doesn’t respond.

    I feel Jerk-around
    I feel unfairly rejected
    I feel like a Question mark
    I feel So Confused….
    I feel Angry and hopeful and turned off at the same time..
    I feel sleepy
    I feel bored
    I feel grateful

  3.  #3Heart on September 17, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I mean serious What kind of guy says We should talk about stuff and then Bails?!

  4.  #4Tam on September 17, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Yikes, all the latest posts seem to speak to me…I will copy and paste this one….. it’s interesting to see that when others are concerned, we immediately see the problem. I mean what *is* she doing?
    But when it concerns us….it’s a different matter altogether.

  5.  #5Tam on September 17, 2012 at 8:27 am

    ((((Hear)))) his loss. Well and truly.
    But you might be surprised yet.

  6.  #6coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Wow, I am starting to feel turned off to my husband, for his lack of stepping up in the romance department. I also feel bad, because my expectations may be TOO high, for where we are right now. D@mn this feel hard!!!!! He doesn’t seem to be turned on sexually by me, and if he is, its only a little bit. I figure there must be some attraction felt on his part, or else he wouldn’t be hanging around at all, but I don’t want to be nieve. He told me that his biggest issue with coming back, is that he didn’t feel the passionate love he wants to feel. Hearing that makes me feel sooo worn out, and turned off. It feels bad to be around a man who isn’t on fire for me. When he says these thing, it makes me shut down sexually towards him, like I don’t want to be flirty with him, cause it might come across as beng desperate, which I am not. I don’t know what I am NOT doing to make him feel this way, or what I am doing. I look in the mirror and see a sexy woman, and I don’t feel good about over functioning in order to get him to see me as a sexy woman. Other than being myself, and doing things to make me feel sexy, I don’t know what to do. I’m go get a Brazilian wax and take a pole dancing class this week. Maybe he’s turned off with my wieght gain…I remeber Rori saying something about it being our responsiblity to atleast maintain ourselves and that men’s penises don’t work that way…something to that effect. The only thing is I feel bad, because I am dealing with a thyroid condition, and am just getting my body balanced and starting to lose the 60lbs I gained as a result ……oh well I’m going to get off line and do something loving for MEEEEEE. Time will tell.

  7.  #7Tam on September 17, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I meant ((Heart))

  8.  #8coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Oh I forgot to mention that he also has shared with me that he feels he has a “problem” looking at women, and that he has been watching alot of porn lately. This makes me feel uneasy, and that this is also a major contributing factor to our lack of emotional/sexual intimacy. I asked him if he felt this would be a problem as far as being faithful is concerned, he said no, but he did say it would be a problem in our marriage.I feel deflated and like retreting to my emotional safe place……this is a potentially toxic place….I’ve healed too much to go there. Any advice?

  9.  #9Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 8:34 am

    (((Coco Kisses)))

  10.  #10Heart on September 17, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Tam – thanks …i feel cared for…

  11.  #11coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 8:41 am

    @Feminine Woman…I like what you posted about REJECTION in the last thread…it felt good, because its what I needed to hear. I feel sure that the pain of rejection has blocked out some of my sexuality. This week I’m going to focus on what makes me feel sexy……I really need to feel turned on. Brazilian wax, pole dancing class, salsa (maybe), a new wig to change up my look, a new pair of pumps, and something sexy to wear around the house.

  12.  #12Senara on September 17, 2012 at 8:41 am

    coco kisses (reposting from previous thread):

    I don’t know about the other sirens, but I would ask myself whether I want to be with a man who has none or little sexual attraction for me or not. You could end up resentful or worse yet, he would probably start looking elsewhere for what he’s missing.

    Hugs to you, I hope you find what’s best for you to do.

  13.  #13Dominique on September 17, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Oh sweetheart, Cocokisses, this is not at all about you. If you want to take care of you, eg. lose weight or take a pole dance class, then you want to do this for YOU. NOT HIM. You cannot force attraction. You cannot force love. And this doesn’t at all mean there is something wrong with you. You are FABULOUS, period, full stop.


  14.  #14Senara on September 17, 2012 at 8:43 am

    And now I’m reading what you wrote about porn and I’m seeing red flags. 🙁

  15.  #15Dominique on September 17, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Cocokisses – You’ve already answered yourself.

    “I’ve healed too much to go there.”


  16.  #16Senara on September 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

    But then I read your other post and I feel a big smile lighting up my face! It’s all about you, coco! 🙂

  17.  #17coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

    @ Siren Angel…thanks for the hug……after 6 motnhs of separation, my husband and I decided to try to work on our marriage, and at first it felt great, stilll does in some regards, but after a month, he still doesn’t feel sexual towards me…I know that I can’t force it….I don’t want to either, doesn”t feel good. I can only be me. I feel really good about being me too.

  18.  #18ruth on September 17, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Coco kisses It sounds like you know where your boundaries are .Is your husband respecting these?

    I felt icky and then angry reading about what your husband said to you.
    Yeah, and i feel really triggered too as i have had similar issues, sigh

  19.  #19coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 8:57 am

    @Dominique…..and Senara, ty both for your lovely words, feels supportive and warm, which is exactly what I need to feel right now. I’m putting myself first. I have too many lovely things going on in my life to feel bad about me. I guess I just feel a little bewildered and and confused as to why he doesn’t feel sexual/passionate towards me? I’m not taking it personal, but I have had one other sexless relationship in my 20’s, and I feel that deep urgency to know how I might be contributing to this….the two experiences seemed linked somehow…although I might add that the man in that relationship had serious sexual addiction problems. Maybe my husband is emotionally unavailable to have a sexually intimate relationship??? We’ve been together 5 years, and I was the longest relationship he’d ever had….hmmm.I”m not going to let this eat at my brain…..I’m not holding on to any particular outcome 🙂 <3 <3 <3 <3 MEEEEEEE

  20.  #20coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 9:00 am

    @Ruth, yes he seems to be respecting these boundries….

  21.  #21Belle on September 17, 2012 at 9:00 am

    So I was sitting at my desk this morning, thinking about Gay Hendricks, “The Big Leap” that FW mentioned and my zone of genius.
    I asked myself, “What does my soul need to grow?”
    Next thing I know I’ve pulled out my sketch pad and wrote, “I’m feeling ready for a sacred partnership. I trust G0d’s choice for me. Thank you for my beautiful husband who gives me roots and wings.”

    The phrase, “thank you for my husband, thank you for my husband” is echoing. I’ll draw a sketch with the vibration of the affirmation over what I wrote.

    I’ve been all over the place the past few weeks. I’m tired of running, though.
    I’m ready for some real love.
    And so it is.

  22.  #22ruth on September 17, 2012 at 9:01 am

    But I feel good reading about you looking in the mirror and seeing a sexy woman

    I could do with some of that feeling

  23.  #23coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 9:06 am

    @Senara…I don’t want to be with a man who is not sexually attracted to me, and I’m not… My husband and I have been separarted for 6 months, and are trying to work on reconnecting, and getting the passion back….we are doing a marriage program to acheive that. If we can’t make it work, then we just can’t, Ive accepted it, but I atleast want to try and exhust every resource before throwing in the towel….he does too.

  24.  #24Tam on September 17, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Ruth..fake it till you make it – that’s my motto now.
    I keep telling myself how wonderful I am even if I only half believe it..but it really does the trick.

  25.  #25coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 9:08 am

    (((((everyone))))) we need it!!!

  26.  #26Annie on September 17, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Hugs coco kisses.

  27.  #27Annie on September 17, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Ty you Dominque. A hundred yeseeeess. yayyyy! I want it all. and I will not settle for anything else. 🙂

  28.  #28Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:13 am


    At least he feels safe enough to share his truth. Maybe that is intimacy for him? Though it hurts and feels icky, at least you know. And you know to focus on your happiness

  29.  #29MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 9:14 am


    I feel depleted.

    What do I do when I hear that my man isn’t sure he will stay living here much longer than a year? If he can’t get a better paying job in a year or so he may move to calgary. He wants a family and doesn’t think he can afford to do that here. I told him it worries me…I don’t want to hang around that long and get even more attached, just to have him leave. He said “Do you think I won’t ask you to come with me?” I said “I probably wouldn’t come with you. I won’t move away from here.”

    Then later he said “Baby, you will always be with me and I will always be with you…”. I did not respond.

    So here we are. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  30.  #30Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:15 am

    RE 23 cocokisses I feel confident that if there were other men contributing to your own sexual feelings it would make a difference for you. But I know many women are not comfortable opening themselves up like that to other men when a husband is around.

  31.  #31coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 9:17 am

    @Feminine Woman…thats what I do feel good about, that alteast he was open enough to tell me. Now I need to feel my way thorugh it, and communicate those feelings to him, without shutting his emotional door. He does need to get help, psycholoically and spiritually (in my opinion), but that is for him to decided…it can’t be forced. Sexual addiction is a serious problem.

  32.  #32MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Why does this city have to be so dam expensive 🙁

    I already own property and I reminded him of that too, but he said he does not consider that part of the equation at all. I said…”I know.”

  33.  #33Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:20 am

    cocokisses I am not sure where you see the sexual addiction because it is not clear in your comments. If it is about the pornography Dominique is the person to communicate with. There is a past article on which she still writes responses to women who comment about pornography.

  34.  #34bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

    femininewoman, do you ever have the canned salmon ?

  35.  #35Tam on September 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Miss Stix, that’s tough 🙁
    But a lot can happen in a year…don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. My fave thing to so.
    Can you see how it goes, stay in the moment, choose relationship and in the end it is possible that the two of you can find a compromise for the living/working situation?

  36.  #36MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 9:23 am

    He can’t give me an answer now and I understand. He told me he feels pressure to “have all the answers right now.” I said “I feel pressure to hang around without any answers.”

    Urg. Now I feel frustrated.

  37.  #37bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 9:23 am

    miss stix,

    maybe do a compromise in your mind – practice imagining yourself moving & feeling open to it – & practice imagining G coming up with a solution that feels good to both of you, maybe without being specific in your mind about “what” or “how” that would look…

    you don’t have to “choose relationship” but it will change how you perceive the situation…

    what do you think?

  38.  #38Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:25 am

    blooming – I do. My favorite brand is Rubenstein’s Red Salmon.

  39.  #39MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Thank you Tam & Bloom-ing

    Yes, you’re both right. I am not making any rash decisions just yet…It just feels hard right now. Especially since he was so understanding about my struggles with his anger. He has promised to try harder to not take it out on me. He acknowledged that yelling is not a good way to express himself.


  40.  #40Goddess Lily on September 17, 2012 at 9:33 am

    So my question is did the lady in the article not ever express her desire for a relationship or ask before a year and a half went by? No red flags?

  41.  #41Tam on September 17, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Keep an open mind Miss Stix, it’s not like he is sitting on packed bags, sometimes people just need to vent and get their thoughts out. ‘men can change on a dime’ – he might change his mind about it all tomorrow.
    I know how hard it is, I really have trouble living up to my own advice right now, but this guy obviously wants you in his life he says. That’s a pretty definite statement, you know, and with that in mind I am sure things can be worked out should you both be so inclined…

  42.  #42ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 9:36 am

    (((Coco))) Your husband seems to be struggling with this too. Neither one of you have let go completely and are willing to try to work things out. That is a good sign. Maybe you just need more time to figure things out, spend time together, do some fun things and don’t focus on that aspect, relieve the pressure and see where things go?

    (((Heart))) I don’t understand why they do that either.

  43.  #43ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

    @40 Goddess Lily

    I was wondering the same thing. This didn’t come up in 1.5 years?

  44.  #44ruth on September 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Miss Stix

    That feels so bad to read
    you two seemed so ” together”

    Would you definitely not move

  45.  #45ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I just heard the song, The Call by Matt Kennon. After this weekend, that song touched my heart.

    “Today was gonna be the day
    He´d already wrote the note
    And parked that Chevrolet
    At the end of that dead end road
    Had his finger on the trigger; just about to end everything
    He was taking one last long breathe; when he heard his cell phone ring

    And his best friends say man where you been?
    We´re headed down to the lake this weekend
    You better not miss it ´cause buddy I swear
    It won´t be the same If you aint there
    And i told that girl that you like so much
    You were coming along and her eyes lit up
    I better let you go man i really hope i didnt catch you in the middle of anything
    He said you kinda did but i don´t mind at all
    I´m glad you called

    In another town down the road
    In the backseat of a car
    Two 18 year olds had let a kiss go to far
    He said how are we gonna have this child
    When were both headed off to school?
    He convinced her late one night there´s only one thing to do
    She was scared to death in that waiting room
    When the nurse asked how far along are you
    She said 5 weeks and just about then her phone lit up
    And his call came in
    Saying baby i was wrong about everything
    I´ve already bought you a diamond ring we´ re gonna start a life
    Would you be my wife
    Boy or girl; pink or blue; yeah either way
    All she could say as she felt those tear drops falls was
    I´m so glad you called

    If someone you know is weighing on your mind
    And needs a friend on the end of that other line
    Don´t hesitate what you say may seem so small
    But who knows
    They might be glad you called

    So make the call

    Yeah make that call”

  46.  #46Olympia on September 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

    hugs to heart, coco, miss stix, and anyone who needs one today.

    I am feeling good. I had dinner with LLcd and his sister and her husband. This was the 4th time we kissed when he drove me home after. I said to him “I feel attracted to you. It would feel great to date and get to know each other better. I don’t want to have a friends with benefits relationship.” He agreed with me that he doesn’t want fwb, and wants to date, and that he likes me too! It’s really exciting!

    I am afraid though. What if he assumes exclusivity? We have been friends for a while, and the little amount of CDing I have done with other people has never come up. I want to keep CDing for the practice, and to raise my degree of difficulty. But he is really someone that I would love to be in a committed relationship with, given the opportunity.

  47.  #47Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Great point MissStix.

  48.  #48Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Sorry I meant Great point Receiving Girl.
    “Your husband seems to be struggling with this too. Neither one of you have let go completely and are willing to try to work things out.”

    He might still be working through some anger.

  49.  #49ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

    @46 Olympia

    I think the term “dating” means just that and not bf/gf. You aren’t a mind reader and can’t know what he is assuming. If he hasn’t brought it up, you can assume you’re just dating and getting to know each other.

  50.  #50Iamabutterfly on September 17, 2012 at 9:55 am

    I feel worried. If a man says he doesn’t feel strong emotional attachments to children, do you think that will change after he has own children? that those feelings will come for his own children?

    anyone have any insight?

  51.  #51Belle on September 17, 2012 at 9:56 am


    “Saying baby i was wrong about everything
    I´ve already bought you a diamond ring we´ re gonna start a life
    Would you be my wife
    Boy or girl; pink or blue; yeah either way
    All she could say as she felt those tear drops falls was
    I´m so glad you called”

    I’m bawling…

  52.  #52Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 9:56 am


    There’s a way to show a man where you want things to go without actually doing it yourself or telling him straight-out what you want.

    In other words, there’s a way to tell a man that you want him to ask you out without actually saying the words, appearing desperate, or being too “aggressive.”

    You do it by initiating HIM to lead.

    In social situations, there’s always a “leader” and a “follower” – and the energy FLOWS from the submissive to the dominant person, not the other way around.

    A friend of mine who’s a ballroom dancer taught me this.

    In dancing, she SHOWS a man the way she wants him to go without actually pulling or pushing him there.

    She does it through a technique she calls “backleading.”

    You show a man where you want to go, then you relax and CREATE THE SPACE for him to take you there, but you don’t fill the space for him.

    This way, a man can feel like he’s the one who pursued you, and you can feel more relaxed knowing that the date was “his” idea.

    Because the LAST thing you want to be doing or feeling is that you’re somehow “chasing” the guy.

    Here’s an example of how you might do this:

    You might say something like, “You seem like a great guy. I’d love to get to know you better. Here’s my number. If you were to ask me out for tea sometime, I’d say yes.”

    Here’s the caveat for this technique:

    It’s NOT backleading when you’re calling him all the time, texting him to meet you somewhere, complaining that he doesn’t call you enough, or pushing him to “make good” on a suggestion that you two do something together.

    That’s not backleading.

    That’s CONVINCING, and it’s a total turnoff for a man if he’s not yet sure where the relationship is headed

    Your Friend,

    Christian Carter

  53.  #53LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I feel off balance with all I have to do without…from the end of last thread about losing my bank card, losing cable tv, forgetting my lunch bag this morning…

    I feel it in my right hip.
    My hip feels twisted.
    Makes me walk off balance.

  54.  #54Belle on September 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Thanks for that..I just broke down sobbing at my desk, I’m still crying…
    I never realized how scared I’ve been of being hurt so bad and how scared I’ve been of really really loving again.
    I hear the sweetest voice in my head, “It can be different this time, baby, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore, it can be different now.”

  55.  #55ruth on September 17, 2012 at 10:03 am

    but in Rori terms that would be a forward lean wouldnt it

  56.  #56Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Iamabutterfly I understand that when a man gets children his body secretes bonding hormones so he develops that attachment with the kids. But I have know guys who said they did not want kids. One guy who was attracted to me said that to me. I could not understand it and actually felt turned off as a result. He ended up marrying a woman 10 years his senior. I don’t know if they are still married because he basically cut me off when he heard I had my first child. It leaves me with the sense that he felt hurt.

  57.  #57Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Ruth I have also heard Lauren Frances suggest something similar. The way I see it, it is something to test to see what happens. It’s all practice anyways.

  58.  #58Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Hummm… I feel very curious… What if you give the exact same speech as in the article above (about dating other men) and the man does not get upset, angry or defensive but instead says ‘it will be very hard on him’ and that it makes him ‘sad’? And he has NO intention or desire to meet or date other women but does not get angry/ defensive that you will be dating other men.

    I feel curious, what do you think Sirens?

  59.  #59Brandylion on September 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    I’m going to a singles mixer tonight, put on by As of yesterday, 101 men had RSVP’ed. (Yikes! I don’t think I feel brave enough to try Man Magnet with so many of them there…) A friend I invited has RSVP’ed, but she woke up with a fever and may not be able to go.

    So, what do I do? What tools will best serve me in this situation?

  60.  #60LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 10:18 am


    Your post to me on the last thread is sinking in this morning.

    Also BW’s post about how she wants to leave…control to deal with insecurities.

    I see my controlling behaviour now.
    Making him wrong feels controlling.
    Wanting to be in control covers what I am afraid of not getting.
    I’m insecure that I will never get what I want if I don’t control to get it.

    He won’t give me what I want, he’ll take it away to resist my control.
    That’s how I manipulate to get what I want.
    …and I point the finger at him that he manipulates to get what he wants.
    It triggered me when he said “my son wants to sit in front.”
    I could have asked “what do You want?”
    Instead, my insecurity immediately jumps to the negative thoughts…and I go into pouting, manipulative behaviour.

    He resists control by keeping me out of the loop on things.
    I want to accuse him of manipulating to hide things.
    When I shift my focus on me, I see how I do the manipulating to hide things bit.

    I try to control to sooth my insecurity.
    That doesn’t feel soothing.
    I feel more insecure.
    I feel abandoned.
    I am being kept waiting.
    He’s resisting my attempt at controlling him.
    So he’s keeping me waiting…sitting on the shelf.
    I feel bored sitting on the shelf waiting.
    I feel unheard.
    I feel lost and abandoned.

    I feel all the feelings I work so ‘controllingly’ hard to avoid.

    Letting it aaaall go. Leaning waaaaaay back.
    Floating in thin air.
    Floating with the lost, abandoned feelings.
    Letting myself be floating with them.
    Letting the feelings be and letting go of controlling them.

  61.  #61Iamabutterfly on September 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

    @56 Feminine Woman – Thanks.

    He says he does want kids, but then I’ve never seen him interact with kids.

    I’ve heard of one instance he didn’t even pay attention to a kid who was riding in the backseat with him. Didn’t look at the kid, didn’t try to talk to the kid, and pretty much ignored him. That feels really sad and icky to me.

    and then he made this weird comment about not feeling a strong attachment to kids in general “but maybe that’ll change when I have my own kids.”

    A good father figure is a MUST for me.

    I’m wondering if he didn’t get enough attention from his Dad?

    which may explain part of our attraction.
    because we both have that “didn’t get enough attention from our Dads” syndrome.

    Feels sad…

    Just wondering if it’s something he could learn.
    also, he’s about to become an uncle, so that’ll be interesting to observe…

  62.  #62ruth on September 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Brandylion, whats the worst that can happen?

    Guys talking to you??

    Bring it on

  63.  #63coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

    ((((Belle)))), may your heart be healed and opened to love again

  64.  #64coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @Femenine Woman….I LOVE the back leading post!! SOooo what I needed.

  65.  #65Iamabutterfly on September 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

    OldCD from my past, who is younger than me, will make an amazing Dad I know with no doubt.

    He’s still figuring out his career and stuff like that, but I’ve never seen a man who loves his nieces and nephews the way he does.

    He takes care of them when they’re screaming and crying, he plays with them, he is always snuggling with them or wrestling with them and you can just see the love he has for them all over his face.

    I feel all melty every time I see him interacting with them.

  66.  #66ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

    @51 Belle

    I know! That song had me crying too!

  67.  #67Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Hi sirens!

    I feel immense excitement running through my body. I feel giddy at the thought of doing relaxing things for me tonight!

    I’ve brought no work home. I feel organised. Tonight is mine!!!

    I’ve finally managed to get hold of the film happythankyoumore please! Oo and a big bag of toffee popcorn ((my teeth))

  68.  #68Tam on September 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Siren Angel, honestly speaking, I would believe a man who was truly interested in me would never react like that. Even ones that weren’t really all that interested in me got very competitive.
    Sounds to me like he hasn’t got the energy to fight off others, and want a real relationship right now. That may have nothing to do with you, just with where he is right now in his life, with the kids etc.

    A man who loves you and wants relationship will claim you, or if he feels he can’t live up and may not be able to give you what you want, he may step down fully. Never seen anyone who said ‘ok, if you must’. Seems odd to me. But then, everybody is different….

  69.  #69Iamabutterfly on September 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @ 56 Feminine Woman cont. – I feel so curious about this man who said he didn’t want kids. Maybe he didn’t feel confident enough in his parenting abilities, and it had nothing to do with you?

    then, when you had your child, he realized how much he wanted to have kids with you or something?

    So sad. 🙁

  70.  #70Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Oo Tam! The no friends speech as a post! Feels useful!

  71.  #71Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I mean the no girlfriend speech! Great base for adapting 

  72.  #72Tam on September 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Smile!! Yay!! I wish I could come and watch the film with you!! And steal popcorn 😉
    have lots of fun!! xx

  73.  #73ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    @54 (((Belle)))

    I do think it can be different 🙂

  74.  #74Tam on September 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    70, yes Smile, I know, I copied and pasted…for future reference lol

  75.  #75Tam on September 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Oh, I just found this too..looooove it:

    ‘From now on, your one, non-negotiable criteria for a man…he must be crazy about you, so you have no doubt. You must be RECEIVING all the time. No giving. No waiting. He must be able to DO a lifelong relationship. He must be able to give. He must be able to take the good with the bad, to “catch” your feelings, to want to work through things with you. He must be able to be there for the long haul – because he WANTS to. He must be a GOOD man.’

  76.  #76Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

    52, FW

    I like this. I read that its ok to show a man your interested in this way that’s not leaning forward but then to let him take it from there?

    I so don’t feel brave enough to ever do this! Eek!

  77.  #77Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Iamabutterfly I don’t think so. Otherwise he would not have married the woman 10 years older. She retired about 2 years after they got married. He had nieces and nephews that he adored at the time. He did not want the responsility but I saw him treat my own niece very lovingly.

  78.  #78Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Tam, he also said he would never have broken up in the first place if we had had the conversation we had yesterday before.

  79.  #79Radlove on September 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Dear DogLover.Biz Dating Site,

    Please don’t email me that I received a message from a member when it is really a computer-generated promo for your site.

    I feel totally turned off. That’s pathetic.

  80.  #80ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    @60 Lilibee

    I can relate. I have a big fear of uncertainty and I like to have control. I don’t do drug or get plastered because I don’t want to be out of control. I like to be in the know. Something I need to work on too and have been trying to let go of my need to have things just so. I get all tense and it does make my insecurities worse and not better. I’ve been learning to breathe and just let things be. It’s an internal struggle, but little by little, I am getting better at letting go of control.

  81.  #81coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 10:45 am

    @Recieving Girl…..yes having fun is key…..he finally stepped up and asked if I’d like to join him for dinner this past Friday night to celebrate him passing his final exam to get his AMT license….I actually ended up treating ( don ‘t kow if that was a good or bad move, but I felt like doing it….I looked at it like a Birthday, its wrong to have the person pay for their own B-day celebration)…..he did eat from my tortilla soup, and we shared fried icecream…it was a small step….converstation and laughs felt good, but we will see if he steps out and treats me out.

  82.  #82Tam on September 17, 2012 at 10:46 am

    78..aaand SA, so is he asking you to be his gf, wife, lifelong companion or is he just shrugging his shoulders at this point? Cause that’s how it reads for me… sorry if it’s a bit harsh, but I really think you deserve a man who wants to claim you and not shrug shoulders when you go off and date others.

    I never ever was with a man who’d have tolerated me to date other men so I dread to think how it feels, I would not feel good.

  83.  #83LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I just finished dealing with a controlling person.
    Constantly working so hard to get the last word, to get control of the outcome, closure…

    I feel drained.
    I feel out of breath.
    I feel attacked.
    I feel defensive.
    I feel stiff.
    I feel cornered.
    I feel relieved to get away.

    Wow, that’s not how I want to make someone feel.
    But I do, when I try to control.

  84.  #84Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Kids are very good at making us feel this way as you are entering a ‘triangular’ relationship. Honestly, the work you are doing is amazing and I wish I could have done that too sooner. But you will have to continue to move through these feelings and then ‘shift’ them to a better picture/interpretation. Also, it will likely come back continuously so you have to ask yourself if you want this.

  85.  #85Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Tam, he said it would be very hard for him. He also asked me to let him know the details and be exclusive with him. I said of course yes to exclusivety but told him I would not feel comfortable sharing details of my dates with him.

  86.  #86Belle on September 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    it reminds me of the scene in happythankyoumoreplease
    where the woman is so afraid to tell her husband she is pregnant…and when she does he is ecstatic.
    I sobbed my heart out watching that scene.

    A couple of years ago I dreamed of a spirit who wanted to be born as my daughter. I told her, if you want to be here, you make it happen. And I’m not going to just give any old birth, I want an ecstatic, ocean birth, with dolphins my friends singing her welcome and the best father ever. You arrange all that and we have a deal 🙂

    I gave up on that dream and I’m nearly 42 but I’m starting to believe anything is possible at this point.

  87.  #87Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I am feeling afraid for you as you are feeling similar to how I was feeling before M broke up. Do you want this to end or can you accept that you cannot control a good third of this relationship?

  88.  #88Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Thank you dear client who keeps me waiting for 30 minutes so I can go on the blog.

  89.  #89LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I wanted a bighearted giving man.
    That kind of a man thrives on making people feel good.
    When he does, I respond to it: “What about me?”
    I worry that there won’t be enough leftover for me.
    Coming from a place of feeling lack, incomplete.

    What if I believed I was complete and enough, I didn’t lack?
    What if I believed that there was plenty to go around.

    Do I feel too insecure to handle being with the kind of man I want?

    If I had the opposite of the man I want? The opposite of a bighearted generous loving man?

    Both feel scary to me.

  90.  #90Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Why I am feeling down when I gave him the speech?

  91.  #91bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 11:03 am


    reminds me of the “greatest strength is the greatest weakness” line – feels easy to turn & find compassion when i think of it like that… : ) esp for myself actually (((lili)))

  92.  #92Iamabutterfly on September 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @ 86 Belle – don’t give up on your dream. My aunt had her two kids in her forties. They’re both healthy and happy.

  93.  #93Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:10 am

    ((((Siren Angel))))) I feel down too reading about your situation. I want you to have more.

  94.  #94LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 11:13 am


    Bloom-ing, …and Siren Angel,

    Your posts brings me to the feeling of vulnerability:

    Without my controlling, I feel vulnerable.


    – Can I handle the kind of man I want? –

    Can I handle feeling vulnerable?
    My vulnerability could be my greatest strength.

    I feel so scared of feeling vulnerable.
    I feel nak3d…defenseless.

  95.  #95LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 11:16 am


    I’m 42 and have no kids.
    I wanted them, but no longer do.
    I feel at peace with that.

    I keep saying that it allows me to be available to other people who need me…to be there for other people’s kids.

    Here I am in a relationship with a man who has a son.

  96.  #96Smile on September 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Tam, love love love post 75!!

    Ps the popcorn bag is huge lol! Would love to share!

  97.  #97Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Re 94 Me too LiliBee. Me too.
    I feel helpless and powerless.

  98.  #98Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Smile 🙂

  99.  #99Smile on September 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Mm I love taking care of me. For tea I’m having minted peas and aduki bean Kiev.

    I’m already snuggled in my pjs, got my favourite blanket out to take the chill off me.

    Nearly ready for the film.

    Have any other sirens seen roris recommendation?

  100.  #100Smile on September 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

    He he, feel like I’m having a movie date with myself 

  101.  #101coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    @ Lillibee …– Can I handle the kind of man I want? –

    Can I handle feeling vulnerable?
    My vulnerability could be my greatest strength

    I ask myself this same question. I feel so desperate to feel my own feelings. Naked raw feelings, even if they hurt.

  102.  #102MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Thank you sirens for your support and words.


    Yeah…I truely believe he does want me around forever. I am his “best yet” and he’s had enough LTR’s to know what he wants. It’s funny because this, and his willingness to work with me on many things actually make this feel more difficult for me. I could walk today and never look back if he was a straight up stubborn j3rk :p It feels like a huge sacrifice to keep this open-ended. Especially without CDing. I am essentially committing to him fully knowing, in the end, it’s open.

    It hurts my head to think i’ve found a man who does know he wants me forever, but I don’t know if I can follow him where he goes. I will try bloom-ing’s suggestion to visualize being open to moving. But…It’s extremely difficult. It hurts my chest to think about moving away. Shifting these feelings is a huge and daunting task. I think I will always be the one sacrificing in my relationships. I want to cry, but i’m spent.


    In many ways we are very together. In terms of intimacy and literal “togetherness”, it’s there. No question. This is even more solid right now than ever, after our talks. But in terms of life…We have nothing together. This feels gritty. Rough. Urgh. Like…Everything is where it needs to be right now. Everything aside from everything else 🙁

  103.  #103ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 11:30 am

    @81 coco

    Sounds like a lovely evening…I wish for more to come!

  104.  #104Smile on September 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

    ((miss stix))

  105.  #105ReceivingGirl on September 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

    @86 Belle

    Anything is possible, half the time we just need to get out of our own way. 🙂

  106.  #106coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Is it ok to tell my husband I feel helpless and scared, sometimes, and that I want to feel his strength, but I know I can’t force it, and I don’t want to either?

  107.  #107Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I think so cocokisses. Also “I feel happy to see you. I feel confused and I feel really insecure”. “I miss feeling you kiss me”. “I feel nostalgic for an old time”. “I miss feeling close to you”. “I miss feeling your strong arms around me and the warm wonderful heat that builds up in my belly as the world and time goes slow”.

    These are feeling messages I picked up from other articles. This is a man who you hvae history with as a husband and I believe you can pull out all the stops especially if you do it with no expectations or hook. Just a raw sharing of yourself and your emotions. I would practice in front of a mirror so I can see my face and body language. Coco I also believe being poet and creative so you can create an image in his mind might help.

  108.  #108bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    miss stix,

    ” I think I will always be the one sacrificing in my relationships.”

    when i read this, i feel “oh, no !” & i feel like arguing with you : ) lol but i won’t – “because” i don’t know anything about that

    except i do want to share & express my feelings about moving … which is – i really love where i live & find it incredibly beautiful & i am close to family & the area where i grew up.

    i had a dream a year ago where i turned down a road that was blocked off “Residents Only” & i went there because i knew i was going to find my home. knew the address already : ) found a house full of women who told me how to go & what it would look like & the “story” behind it…

    since then, the “meaning” of that shifts for me – but i did use it to prepare myself emotionally for the idea of leaving. even including hinting to my family that i might move.

    cd & i talk a lot about moving now. we’ll decide together. some days, he comes home saying “we should leave as soon as our lease is up” sometimes saying ” we should renew here for another year ” sometimes ” let’s go to michigan / new york / california” he’s dreaming aloud & i love to share his dreams with him : )

  109.  #109Daria on September 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Vi – I wanted to say thank you for the video on EFT with Brad Yates for Anger for kids. It’s feeling really powerful for me and I’m healing.

    For other sirens, here’s the link to the video:

  110.  #110Memulo on September 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm


    I had an amazing evening with SmartCD and thank you for all your support! He picked me up and took to a very nice service and then dinner. He has family dinner tonight, so yesterday it was him and me. I got a chance to dress up and wear a gift that he got me last week! And then strangers gave me compliments at service and his face lit up! I really felt that we were together;)

  111.  #111Tam on September 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Memulo!!! I feel happy reading this!

  112.  #112Memulo on September 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Thank you Tam:)

  113.  #113Daria on September 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    cocokisses – this is a bit straightforward

    i get the impression youre outmaning this man. i think paying was really all bad, and i remember you mentioning this in the relationship. it would make sense to why he’s not feeling the sexual passion – and actually i feel surprised and take it as a good sign that he’s that open with you

    can you step back and really vigilantly check your posture, body language, and behavior to be always in feminine? not ever pay for anything at all? not drive? stand there until your car door is opened, restaurant door is opened?

    you are already very successful and driven in your life, and I would do a complete 180 with him. Yes share with him feeling helpless… and actually BE helpless.

    I would not drive to meet him, I would really take it all the way back in every way i could think of. See what happens

  114.  #114bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    i’m starting a-new

    ahhh sparkly giddy ornate feelings – like seeing something magnificently-crafted & marveling at it : )

  115.  #115Cblove on September 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I needed this post today! It also applies to my situation with my man not chosing to let his girl that’s a friend go.. i need to practice my speach and focus on me!!

  116.  #116Daria on September 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    talk about feeling better being romantic, feeling feminine, experimenting with a new way of being, want to feel taken care of, and stick to it even if he complains

    even if it means you won’t make the date. even if it’s his birthday, do not pay. don’t see him as a ‘person’ who shouldn’t pay on their birthday, or an equal – thats masculine way of thinking – see him as a MAN.

    see him as vastly vastly different from you, with different motivations and needs

    really lean back. don’t be ‘practical.’ be grounded in feminine and romance

  117.  #117Emoticon on September 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm


  118.  #118coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Thanks Daria…I really feel appreciative…I needed to hear/see all that I did today…get me on track.

  119.  #119Brandylion on September 17, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    No, Ruth, the worst that could happen is the men *don’t* talk to me, that I go nurse a drink for two hours and not one man approaches me, and then I feel small and invisible. That would be far, far worse than having to make some small talk.

    And that is why I seriously need to be armed with some tools going into this, so that *doesn’t* happen. So there’s Man Magnet and 5-second Smile (I like that way better than Cherry Norris’s 6-second smile where you’re smiling the whole time). What else could be useful to keep my vibe up?

  120.  #120Brandylion on September 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Oh, Heart Connection Toolkit just arrived! That could be useful preparation for this evening!

  121.  #121Radlove on September 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I like you people.

  122.  #122Goddess Lily on September 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Is it possible to “backlead” an ex?

  123.  #123ruth on September 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm


    A *seriously* sexy dress please

    (I would have to pass on the killer heels as i can only wear slippers sicen i started distance running but if you can do those too—–)

  124.  #124ruth on September 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm


    I think the waterwheel tool might be good as well

  125.  #125MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I tried some visualizing…And all it told me is: It pains me more to envision leaving my home than it does to envision leaving G. Oh… 🙁 fux.

  126.  #126ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Miss stix

    I feel quite surprised to read that

    But if that is your truth–

  127.  #127Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Bob Grant

    On the other hand, male hormones such as testosterone and vasopressin fuel the male drive to seek competition and prove self-worth and identity.

    When men and women interact, they do so in very different ways. In general, women use language to connect and bond with others, while men typically use language (or don’t use it!) to create boundaries and distance.

    In everyday life, this means that women de-stress and relax by talking and sharing with their friends.

    In contrast, men will zone-out from the day’s pressures by silently heading for the couch and the remote.

    Researchers also believe women’s brains are designed to crave intimacy and cooperation, while men’s brains are programmed for preferring lists and hierarchal order. (Which explains why he can remember fifteen years of stats for his favorite football team, but forget what you talked about yesterday!)

    By now, you can begin to see that many of the things that are confusing and frustrating about men, actually have a simple explanation: biology.

  128.  #128Belle on September 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Miss Stix
    He hasn’t made any decisions yet.
    I feel curious and wonder if you are you trying to control feelings of uncertainty?
    Does this remind you of a situation in the past by any chance?

    (((Miss Stix)))

  129.  #129Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    The hormone vasopressin is what I have heard CCarter say fuels the drive for pair bonding in men. Some men are low in this hormone. He talks about and the prairie voles.

  130.  #130Smile on September 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Thank you Rori.

    I’m happy thank you  more please…!

  131.  #131coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    @ Daria
    talk about feeling better being romantic, feeling feminine, experimenting with a new way of being, want to feel taken care of, and stick to it even if he complains

    even if it means you won’t make the date. even if it’s his birthday, do not pay. don’t see him as a ‘person’ who shouldn’t pay on their birthday, or an equal – thats masculine way of thinking – see him as a MAN.

    see him as vastly vastly different from you, with different motivations and needs

    really lean back. don’t be ‘practical.’ be grounded in feminine and romance
    Thank you a million times thank you, this has helped tremendously, whether we get back together or not.

  132.  #132bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    ooh, femininewoman, what an interesting read…

    “Magic is something we give ourselves, not something the outside world provides us, just as all meaning in this world comes from the self. Some are disappointed by such a thought, but that’s truly where the beauty lies. We live in a world where we decide the meaning. We are, in turn, creators of our own realities and our own happiness.” ah yum : ))

  133.  #133Smile on September 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    I’m ready to receive.

    My heart is open.

    I’m feeling all glittery 

  134.  #134Smile on September 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I consciously practise letting go on a daily basis. I can visualise my open palms.

  135.  #135Brandylion on September 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Hrm. I don’t have any sexy dresses. I picked one I feel good and look pretty good in, though. I was going to forgo heels in favor of sandals just because they’re more comfortable…

    Man, I just remembered my friend told me she’s going to wear a wrap dress that shows a ton of cleavage. I don’t have anything like that. I don’t own clothes I can’t wear to school. :-/

    Now I’m panicking that I’m going to be underdressed and look dowdy compared to the other women there! Ack!

  136.  #136ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm


  137.  #137ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm


    I am sure you look gorgeous(I would wear sandals too BTW)

    have you got some nice jewellery?

    or smother yourself in sexy body lotion

    un, well, *blush*]Sometimes I wear sexyunderwear to work.No one can see but—–

    (By this I mean not black and solid-not g strings)

  138.  #138ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Oh and if you feel good Brandy you will look good

  139.  #139Belle on September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Miss Stix

    I mean, in other words, nobody’s going anywhere just yet so just take a breath and relax 🙂

  140.  #140ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Want to give you a big siren hug brandylion

    trust me you look beautiful

  141.  #141MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm


    In all honesty…I have no idea. I even wonder if I am seeking reasons to leave him.

    I was uprooted, and moved around a lot as a child. We stayed in the greater Vancouver area, but I went to 5 different elementary schools and 2 highschools. I was bullied, picked on, and outcast everywhere I went..Except my last high school.

    This could be a part of not wanting to leave here. I am very attached to being near my loved ones. But I don’t know. I feel like i’m reaching for reasons for why I might be feeling this way.

    I know, before everything went bad, I would have followed my ex to the moon. He was my world. I don’t want a man to mean that much to me again. Still reaching…

  142.  #142MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Ummm…I guess i’m more worried about my own feelings about this than I am about his possible leaving. He can leave….I just don’t want to waste a year waiting to find out.

  143.  #143ruth on September 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm


    Mis stix, now dont throw the baby out with the bath water

    Moving might look ok if you have time to get used to it

    With a man youmare so connected with, yes?

  144.  #144Goddess Lily on September 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm


    Don’t even look at the other girls. Men would be attracted to you if you were wearing a paper bag as long as you feel sexy.

  145.  #145bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm


    when i was c-dating, i practiced getting comfortable in intense situations in my Real Girl clothes…. (what i really like to wear & wear most of the time) so for a lot of my “First Dates” i wore long skirts & high shirts & stopped wearing makeup & stopped “correcting” my body hair…. the man i live with saw my 1-inch leg hair on our first date (i sat on the ground next to him & the ankle of my jeans rose up…) & i remember feeling so un-sexy & frumpy & dowdy for just a moment & then went back to just being me, fully opening my heart all the time & deserving to have a loving, open, accepting partner. you are beautiful & you are not just a body or some clothes. you are a moving, breathing, soul-stirring spirit : ) aww yum i feel moved imagining how large & graceful it looks for a single particle to unfold into infinity…. mm i feel compassionate & gentle toward myself & inspired to keep loving myself in that slow easy way. thank you for sharing – i feel smile-y to imagine you having fun meeting men & feeling Special Weird like dominique says : ))))) “embrace your weird, love your weird” omg i love it, thank you : )

  146.  #146Femininewoman on September 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    RE 144 – So true. After going gluten free I have been trimming down. I am at a point now where I believe I look and feel sexy. I believe it deep down and have started walking differently. This morning a guy asked me how are you I stopped and without missing a beat said “I am feel pretty good” and smacked my lips. He busted out laughing confirming that he was feeling my vibe. Then I kept on walking. I was feeling so sexy and confident. When you feel sexy there are no questions. Words are not even necessary if you ask me. It radiates out of you.

  147.  #147MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Yeah I guess I have a lot more to think about.

    I have many of my own life questions…

    Foremost: Am I even in love with this man?

    I love him. Yes. But what does it mean for me if I am more attached to living in a place than living with this person? It makes me question just how in love with him I am. Connection, intimacy, fun, struggles…We do work well together. Maybe i’m a fool if I give him up! But is that the right way to think of a life partner? He could have someone who WOULD follow him wherever he goes, and I would feel happy for him…

    Is he the only man I can see myself with? Easy…No.

    This is what I want: To settle down with a good man. Live close to my family, and start one of my own. So maybe passionate selfless love doesn’t factor in…

    I don’t know. 🙁 But At least now I know this is about me, and not about his plans.

    I will talk to him tonight.

  148.  #148turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Almost time to go home from work!

    I took care of me today, and made a dr. appointment for Friday. I’m not sick, just getting a physical, because I haven’t been to the dr. in 4 years! I didn’t have health insurance after my divorce, until this past June. Life has been so busy, I didn’t make getting a check up a priority. I also need to make an ob appointment. It feels good to take care of me in that way. I also got a small life insurance policy. I feel like a grown up, taking care of myself today.

    Lillbee…. I LOVE to control. I even do what BW does, and try to break up or end something that doesn’t feel perfectly right, just to control it. Thank you for your post, making me think about that too, and how I still have a long way to go. I want to read more about this backleading. The men in my life, need everything to be their idea. I could help myself out quite a bit by keeping that in mind. Hugs sirens! I’ll check in later!

  149.  #149coco kisses on September 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    @Feminine Woman….I too am doing gluten free and soy free for my thyroid. When you are taking care of yourself, you FEEL sexy!!!

    Im almost done paying off my major debts to start my business, I plan on buying some sexy dresses, lingerie, and shoes ( Promiscus brand shoes…lol), so that I can feel goddess like. Right now I am lacking in the clothes department.

  150.  #150bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    & we were talking…. he offered me something & i said no thank you….. then he said something… & i said, “at this point in my life, i’m not looking to just date or to be a girlfriend. i know that i enjoy being in a committed relationship…. & i feel capable of being a good partner ….& i want my next Relationship to be For Life….” & he just looked at me & then he said, “well i’d like to take you for dinner next week”

  151.  #151bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    aww femininewoman, i feel so moved…. for some reason, i feel frightened to feel “sexy” – i feel alarmed & like there is a risk….. “a huge risk” doomsday voice just said in my brain. ouch fear

  152.  #152bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    “i believe i look sexy” wow WOW hm who is sexy ? who do i know that i feel is “sexy” ouch too scary i feel scared of all of that. ok thanks for letting me know

  153.  #153Belle on September 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    I practiced saying that just now and felt all warm and gooey.
    I’m totally using that, thank you!

  154.  #154Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    ohhhh i tapped thru all the way to the top

    i invited magic in ‘modernity’ in ‘industrialization’ in ‘iron” and now i will invite it in ‘steel’ since i left her out

    and in plastic i did and in computers

    and now everything feels lovely and i wasnt even scared of the dark until i remembered by habit

  155.  #155Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    well i feel thrilled cuz in most situations in the past ive noticed


    i mean if theres one thing about me that i think is undeniable most of the time its how sexy i am…

    its like the oil in my skin the shine on me my glow its sooo SEXY

    its like innocent sexy like sap in trees sexy is in me

    im for real about this i really believe it


    big smile

  156.  #156bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    lol aww i was feeling all …. bah humbug hug me ! lol..

    & i was forwarding dinner plans i made, so i emailed:
    CD !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i love you. & i need a HUGGGGGGGGGGG from my boyfriend cd YUM YES YAYYYYY hugs for free! i get hugs for freeeeeeeee YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

    … um see you at 5 : ) xxo

    & 15 minutes later, i get:

    “x0000000000000000000x000000000000000x0000000000000x = Big hug. love you. see you soon!”


  157.  #157Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I am a Goddess. I am the one. I am sweet and lovely and perfect and divine. Everything is good and I have no more worries or fears. In fact I so happy and wonderful, fearless and passionate, beautiful and vulnerable. I am every man’s dream.
    I am the one.

  158.  #158Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Oh… M is sounding lovingly… Ooh la la, can’t wait to see him in a few minutes

  159.  #159MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Right now I have so many many thoughts and no feelings. None.

    Chest feels…Normal. Breathe easy. Brain feels ok. Lots of thoughts, too many thoughts! But they are just playing. No feelings to go along.

    I think about leaving, going my own way. Feels ok. Feels indifferent. Yeah…I could do that. Think about staying to see what happens. Feels ok now. Indifferent. Same as leaving. Think about moving away…No! There they are! Feels angry. Feels like eff NO I won’t go!! No no no!! Cold baby blue spikey balls. Don’t even ask me to come. Just tell me you’re going and i’ll let you go.

    So…that’s the hang up. The moving thing. I feel so strongly about not moving I would give him up. It is so hard and cold and strong I question my love for him. It is stringer than my love. So maybe there is hope. He may not go…I may be able to shift how I feel about that.

  160.  #160Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    wow i just tapped in to deeply believe i am brave, as much or more even than i believe i am smart or sexy


    what a relief my life will be like now, not wondering or checking over and over and waiting to settle on it and evaluate myself and see if i really am and desperately hoping to be


    i am brave!


    i AM brave!!!!

    wow i am so brave!!!

    wowow wowowowie wowowieee i am super brave!!!!!!

    i feel sooo pleasuredddd

  161.  #161April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Hi Miss Stix,

    When I read “It hurts my chest to think about moving away”, I really felt you. It spoke volumes.

    I can’t find mention in your postings of you sharing this with your man.

    What if you shared this one simple truth? Then leave it with him.

  162.  #162Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    and this way ive freed everyone else to embrace their braveness and i will be able to see it in them omgosh

    what giggly joy



  163.  #163Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    i feel so freakin brave!!!!!!


    im feeling squealy

    ys ys ys ys ys!!!!!!!!!11111

    sooooo triumphant

    so muchjoy

  164.  #164Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    591 from previous thread -SA- yup I know I’m doing this due to my fear of getting hurt. If I walk away before he has a chance to hurt me, then I’m “safe”.

    Last night I told him that instead of “running away” as he calls it, I will simply ask him for reassurance. He was happy with that alternative. I think! Lol

  165.  #165Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    what a relief!


    i am brave

    it is done

    it is decided

    it is obvious


    i never have to worry about it again

    i am so Freakin brave!!!!!!


    im reveling in it

    im having a party of joy

  166.  #166Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    guess who’s brave!



    oh my wow

    i am so brave

    i am like super duper super duper brave in EVERYTHING

    i am obviously a really brave pwerson

    a hugely brave


    ohhhh thank you ancestors


    thank you all for bearing with me while i doubted and searched

    thank you DARIA

    thank you me, you little being me, you are so brave you little red devil thing you

    brave little girl


    i just adore you

    you’re so brave

    and smart

    and inquisitve

    and curious

    and friendly

    and loving

    and lovely

    and brave

    so very very braveeeeeeeee

    yes you are

  167.  #167MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Mmmm more feelings. Good.

    I feel happy to be home from work. where I can focus on working through this rather than just thinking about it and fretting about it.

    I feel calm and green and buzzed. Thoughts clearing. Feelings emerging. Home mode. Hmmm I should remember not to think of things at work where i’m not free to feel.

  168.  #168Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    guess who’s brave!



    oh my wow

    i am so brave

    i am like super duper super duper brave in EVERYTHING

    i am obviously a really brave pwerson

    a hugely brave


    ohhhh thank you ancestors


    thank you all for bearing with me while i doubted and searched

    thank you DARIA

    thank you me, you little being me, you are so brave you little red dev*il thing you

    brave little girl


    i just adore you

    you’re so brave

    and smart

    and inquisitve

    and curious

    and friendly

    and loving

    and lovely

    and brave

    so very very braveeeeeeeee

    yes you are

  169.  #169April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Sharing simple truth of how it feels for me. In few words. And then, standing or sitting there, feeling that truth. And feeling how I feel about sharing the truth.

    This for me is vulnerability.

    It feels real.

    I wish I could remember to stay in the curiosity – and feel if it is scarey, liberating, mysterious or what? to experience being vulnerable.

    To me, vulnerability is natural and effortless. The fear of vulnerability is another thing altogether.

  170.  #170Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    you guys! im brave! im brave!!!

    i want to shout it from the rooftop!!

    do you know how brave i am???

    im freakin brave!!!!!!!!

    omgosh wow

  171.  #171Daria on September 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    how much i adore ME

    thank you Daria for doing that for me

    that was very … brave… lol

    and amazing

    im well taken care of now guys

    im safe

    cuz im with a brave person

    always and forever

    theres nothing more to worry about


    cuz im freakin brave

    i can handle Anything

    i trust me

    cuz im really brave

    what could really hurt me?

    knowing im brave?


    im so awesome

    oh life

    thank u

    thank u me

    thank u me choosing my destiny

    ive been wanting to know im brave for so long

    and now i know

    now i will always know

    and always be sure

    im unshakeable

    im so brave


    im laughing at times i felt scared

    cuz i know im brave now

    it odesnt matter

    im still brave

    ah sigh

    im safe

    i made it home

    im safe

    im safe

    im safe

    im safe

    im safe

  172.  #172Dominique on September 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Femininewoman – I want to thank you so much. I think you know why.

    Kyla too, if you’re reading over here.

    Much love to you both.


  173.  #173Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Hmmmm…. I feel really weird. This guy I dated about 2 years ago, posted something on Facebook about this Halloween event he works at every year at the local amusement park. We were just there Saturday, and my oldest daughter kept saying she wanted to go. So, I commented on his post that they are already getting set up and we might go this year. He called me to say let him know when we are going, can probably get us in, etc. I said thanks, would be great and then asked how he’s been, hows married life (he just got married maybe a month ago) and he said its all right, it’s fine. No problems. (I sure hope my husband would be more excited than that!) he brought up when we were dating, and then he asked about my girls and my candy business and then said he’d always be here for me and to never hesitate to ask for anything. I said thanks, that’s nice to hear. …. But I feel really strange about it. We didn’t date that long, maybe 3 months. For those of you who remember when I first came here… He’s Mike1, had the health issues and needed a better job. Both of which have improved.

    This makes me wonder how many men actually want to get married, or do because they feel they have to. this felt odd to me, especially when he let me know his wife works until 7. This all took place in a 4 min. Convo. I said I had to run. Red flags to anyone else or am I reading into this?

  174.  #174MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Oh…April rose thank you! No..I did not say that to him!

    Holy. He asked me so many times while we were talking (I lost count) “How do you feel?”. And I never said that to him. Hmmmm…

    Once I said: “I feel sad and empty.”

    G “Why?”

    “Because I think I have to leave.”

    G “You don’t have to leave…”

    “But, I think I do.”

    G “Why?”

    “Because I don’t feel happy to stay.”

    G “Why not?”

    “Because I feel….”

    Oh. I don’t remember what I said but it’s important! What did I say? Why don’t I feel happy to stay? I think I said:

    “Because I feel un-comfortable not knowing where this is going.”

    I’m pretty sure this is when he said:

    “I feel a lot of pressure to have all the answers right now.”

    And I said

    “I feel pressure to stick around not knowing the answers.”

    Thinking…What did he say?…..

    “What’s the other option then?”

    “Go find my own way…”

    I think then I cried…I went inside. He came in later to say:

    “Don’t worry I will always be with you and you will always be with me.”

    🙁 Sad feelings.

  175.  #175Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Siren Angel, almost two years ago I delivered the speech to TH and he even indicated that it was for the best. I suppose he felt bad for hurting me and not giving me what I wanted.

    But when I did start dating other men, it drove him CRAZY!!! He hated it and made that very clear.

    In the end I found myself very attracted to two guys. And lucky for him I let the other guy go because my heart was with TH.

    It was an interesting experience to say the least! 😉

  176.  #176Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    my tongue feels tingly rejoicing

    of bravery unvoicing

    resounding and revealing

    my wounded heart is healing

    im safe aim brave im awesome

    im home im true im lawson

    im live and free and wild

    im destinys pure child

    ohhhh halelujah

    im home in the green woods

    where i am understood

    and little people sing

    for me to dance the ring

    im home im free im dawson

    im natures own fresh blossom

    my tears to wet the flower
    of joy in each fresh hour

    how lovely its to be

    a free bird just like me

    i sing my joy in chest

    my blood the earth has blest

    oh heaven if i see it

    in earth i will reveal it

    i am the one i am involved

    in webs of hearts and webs of song

    my womb is midnite power

    im star brightened throughout

    my hair is glistening wheat stix

    my soul is free and liquid

    oh joy i wont contain

    in me i wont explain

    i let myself run free

    the horse that is in me

    like foam of waves all broken

    my dreamy life is soaking

    i wont stop till im tired

    to run and hoop and holler

    the princess chains are broken

    we all of regal token

    im free without within me

    im queen of all that see me

    i honor all thats spoken

    cuz honor is my token

    i speak free like a willow

    im bedy true and trillow

    how huge this vast connection

    like plugs into it beckons

    i slink into the darkness

    to find what its sauce is

    im sweet and soft and mellow

    i draw in pretty fellows

    but none of them can have me

    until im done with bagging



    im feeling free!

  177.  #177MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I don’t know if I got that all in the right order. It’s all a jumble. We fought sat night, then talked before bed. Then talked again sun morning and then again sun evening. It’s a lot to process and I admit, more than i’m able to share here.

  178.  #178Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    this means the world to me…


    oh wow

    the taste in my mouth is changing

    i feel so happy!

    you guys reading this are witnessing a rebirth!!

    you are all honored and privileged and benedicted !

    i am receiving


    my hearts desires


    the pleasure and joy and fericire

    gata vorbesc in romaneste


    ce bine e

    iti multumesc

    im having spiritual orgasms

  179.  #179Radlove on September 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm


    174 – Beautiful! I love it when you get creative with words!

  180.  #180Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    (((((Miss Stix)))) – feel good thiking about sharing that piece April Rose pointed out… and then leaving it in his hands like she said

  181.  #181April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    ((((((Miss Stix))))))

    What do you think about keeping it simple?

    I found it difficult to follow your convo. That stuff about not feeling happy to stay, didn’t make sense to my boy brain. Did you mean “I would miss you if you left”?

    Sounds like your mind is getting ahead of you, and that’s what’s talking.

    So far, as I understand it, he has just hinted at moving away. Kinda like thinking aloud. This is good. You get to feel your responses to his mental processes. Your response to this one was felt strongly in your heart.

    So, you can just tell him how your heart felt in response to his words…

  182.  #182Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    i am worthy of this!

    i am so powerful

    i want to light a candle in worship

  183.  #183Radlove on September 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm


    I feel curious…What did you do or decide by way of being brave?

  184.  #184Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Can you try to focus on doing something nice or yourself right now?

  185.  #185Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    BW @173,

    Are you saying that at first TH didn’t really protest all that much about the Cding until you actually did it?

    I am starting to think M doesn’t think I will go through with it.

  186.  #186Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Turquoise @171,

    “This makes me wonder how many men actually want to get married, or do because they feel they have to.”

    YES YES and YES! I believe many men turn around and marry the next girl after a heartbreak… Unfortunately. Then later regret it.

    Yes again, RED flags everywhere here.

  187.  #187April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I’ve just realised…..

    I’ve got a boy’s brain!

    And a girl’s heart!

    I feel the right way round 🙂

  188.  #188Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    i lit 3

    i feel so at peace

    im getting what i wanted

    my true heart’s desire

    life is good again

    im healing deeply

    back to the loveliness of childhood

    being a baby fresh happy young thing

    and now im adult

    and take care of me

    this feels so lovely

    this is how its supposed to happen

    im where im supposed to be in my life

    this is the moment i worked and fought for

    strived struggled for

    and got here

    not that way

    but got here


    got here with alil EFT

    and a lotta openess

    and love and trust in me

    and im here

    i can relax now and be at peace

    it really iz all good now

    holla holla

    holla holla holla

    im home im back im home

    home in richness and wonder in me

    home to my earliest memory

    of putting on those burgundy velvet pants on my own, one leg at a time

    here in this same room

    by myself when i was 2

    im back (bitc9hes)!


    i feel so happy

    that reminds me of my show

    project runway

    i feel happy

    decidedly happy

    im joy

    and you are?

    i love you

    i love all

    im safe and pleased

  189.  #189Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    M is just upstairs finishing a report and I just finished marinating some salmon for the bbq… he seems a little concerned about lawyers stuff coming up and had a big day with pediatrician’s appts.

    Trying to lift my vibe, because emotions are contagious, and well, I want to BE contagious 🙂

    Ooh la la… I feel giddy and playful 😉

  190.  #190MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    April rose

    I can see how it’s confusing…I didn’t share the whole story in any of my “purging”.

    I went to a family party on saturday. Which was a blast! But he wanted to leave early so we did. I admit I should have said it out loud but it upset me to go. He yelled at me (again) venting his frustrations on me. Most of it about work…How he’s “F@cking sorry” but he was “f@cking tired” etc etc.

    I literally said nothing and let him yell and yell and scram at me. Until I finally fought back and told him I was dropping him off and going home. We fought some more on the drive. When we got home I started packing.

    While I was packing he tried to apologize and kiss me. But I shirked it. He went and layed on the couch. I finished packing and then went for a smoke. He came out and apologized. Asked me not to leave. I stayed because I was exhausted and spent.

    FF to talking about A LOT of stuff. Everything really…Past, present, future.

  191.  #191Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm


    im brave

    thats all i wanted to know

    im brave

    i dont feel scared to call and talked to o anymore

    whetever i feel is ok

    cuz im brave

    thats all i need to know

    i honor and respect and feel safe with me now

    esp feel safe

    cuz im wanting to respect everybody

    but i know im brave

    and tahts plenty safe for me

    plenty safe

    oh jeezzz

    they said “i dont deserve this”


    but they do

    they def do
    and i def do too

  192.  #192Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Oh… and since I started the Margaret Lynch tapping into Miracles, business has been booming!!!

    I can feel everything is about to fall right into place. My house is about to be sold. Business is good and I am making lots of money soon. I have a engagement ring on my finger. And yes, I am living with a wonderful man, the man of my dreams and he treats me like a princess every day.

  193.  #193Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    i looked up to her cuz i know shes brave

    and i wanted it to rub off on me

    and, it didn’t quite rub off

    but somehow i knew she would get me there

    and she has

    she put me in these situations

    kinda unconsciously

    but i did it

    i made it there now

    and im happy and good

    thank u sis thank u

    i know i piked u well

    u didnt name ur son for me for nothing

    im so happy


  194.  #194Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    183 SA – Yep. He didn’t protest at all and actually encouraged it. That is, until he realized I was actually going ahead with it. So probably similar to what M is thinking.

    It definitely increased my value in TH’s eyes…

  195.  #195LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Rori says anger may be covering more deep feelings.

    I felt angry when I perceived my sitting in the backseat as being demoted in D’s and his son’s esteem.

    The whole point for D was to make his son feel important and wanted.

    The deeper feeling covered by anger, I realize now was fear of being vulnerable.
    I felt vulnerable to his son losing respect for me.
    Anger and control covered that vulnerable feeling.

    I have a really tough time letting myself be vulnerable.
    I don’t trust myself to handle the outcome.

    I feel glad I sat in the back.

    I got the son’s respect and attention for the rest of the evening…for the very 1st time.

    I feel the urge to call D, to explain further.
    But I know it’s a bad idea, it’s again leaning forward.
    Leaning forward is controlling.
    He said he needed time to think.
    I have to respect his needs 1st, if I ever want mine to be met.

    Uhhhhh, letting it go.
    Trying to have faith that things will turn out for the best.
    I feel sad.
    Thank G0d I have zumba to help me keep busy.
    I can pay by cheque until I get my bank card back.

    I’m feeling the vulnerability now with no bank card and only 1$ left in my pocket.

  196.  #196Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    BW @163,

    “Last night I told him that instead of “running away” as he calls it, I will simply ask him for reassurance. He was happy with that alternative.” I love this! I will suggest this… Wait, I need to inspire it… argh…

    Great idea, will try this too as I am a big ‘running away’ type girl. I start packing and say I feel like going home. Actually on the 1st day of vacation, I did this. Horrible habit that makes him withdraw after and makes me all panicky.

  197.  #197Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm


    Your thought process is beautiful and deep… The things we do to cover our vulnerability when actually our vulnerability is what inspires a man to want to take care of us.

    I hope it all works out for the best. When he said he needed to ‘think’, was he referring to the whole relationship?

  198.  #198Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Radlove – oh it will feel fun to write tho a bit annoying to get it all out…

    i tapped… EFT

    i know i feel so confident that im sexy and smart

    so i tapped the set up “even though i feel kinda unsure… i choose to deeply believe im brave as much as i believe im sexy and smart”

    then tapped out choices method style, doing some negative rounds, then positive rounds, then alternated neg / pos

    and tadah

    its done its set

    im brave thats for sure

    im reallly brave



    im sitting here with tears and joy

  199.  #199Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I’m feeling a bit flat this morning. Probably because it’s cloudy. And I’m tired. Will be telling TH I’m not going to gym tonight.

    We were there last night anyway…

    I received some unexpected money last week. I feel so grateful, and I think the Universe is telling me which aspect of my business I need to focus on. I feel excited about that! 🙂

  200.  #200Siren Angel on September 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    BW @192,

    You are inspiring me to make a profile now while he is upstairs finishing his report… but that wouldn’t be very respectful… yikes. I will wait until tomorrow or later this week I suppose. But I have to do it for me. To keep my options open until and if he wants to move forward again.

    Thank you for sharing BW! 🙂

  201.  #201LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm


    I need to cd.
    I noticed a man’s vibe felt good to me today…like looking for my attention.
    I want to soak it in.

  202.  #202MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    What might be the deeper feeling behind G’s anger? I wonder…He tells AT me but not ABOUT me. My being upset at leaving early was sensed by him and it TRIGGERED him…

    Empathy. Trying to understand…

    Money. He said. Money is everything. He is angey at his job. He is angry at his income not being what he wants. He is angry at being too tired to party. He is angry because he just is not where he wants to be right now. He wants to be the primary provider. He said that to me…He knows he has to be because I am not physically able to work a lot. He thinks he won’t be anle to do that in our city. He might have to move, or take a job where he’s gone 2 weeks a month like his roomy. It pays very well and subsidizes living expenses. He said these things…Oh clarity. It’s all for me….And here I am one foot out the door.

  203.  #203MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    ” * yells * AT me not ABOUT me.”

    Not “tells”.

  204.  #204Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    It will definitely help SA. Just the change to your vibe will make a huge difference. And you’re such a gorgeous thing too. M is an idiot if he doesn’t realise that some guy’s going to want to snap you up in no time!! xxx

  205.  #205Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Siren Angel, he didn’t get heartbroken from me… We just fizzled out. I don’t even really remember why. I guess I got busy with the move and he had a lot of issues to deal with. But we were going to get together last December, and I cancelled, got an odd vibe. Not long after I looked at his fb page and saw he had Christmas pics with a girlfriend. In the spring she got pregnant, then lost the baby very quickly after he announced it on Facebook. Right afterwards, they got engaged. So, I don’t know if their whole relationship has even been a year.
    This is a perfect example of why I think rushing into marriage is a bad idea. Not that he said anything terribly awful to me, but he asked me to let him know when we go to the park so he could get us in (which could be harmless) but I’d be really upset if my husband called up an ex and told her he’d always be there for her, to ask for anything. Not like I’ve posted I’m sad or having a hard time or my pet was dying or something…. My posts are usually very upbeat. I didn’t even have his number in my phone anymore.

  206.  #206April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I was yelled at by a man recently. A first for me.
    It felt really awful and I didn’t know what to do but stay and experience my heart’s response until I decided to walk away.

    This was new for me. In the past I would out-yell any man. This time I decided not to. I became an innocent creature, wide-open. He continued to blame me and defend himself.
    My conclusion was that this man, WM, didn’t respect me for being vulnerable.

    But I did.

  207.  #207Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    (((((Lilibee))))) – you are a brave girl too. very honest

  208.  #208MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    This is becoming crystal clear…

    All I saw was an angry man who would up and leave this place to make more money. Yeah…He wanted me forever, but why should I want to follow this man? Or wait and see for him…

    Oi. I feel dense and sick and sad, but clear and bright now sadly happy.

    He would have to think about moving to provide for the family he wants. He said out loud. With me. He did not say…JUST SAY IT boyfriend!! We will always be together he said out loud. I will give up the search for more money and settle to stay here with you. He did not say.

    Well what the eff………

  209.  #209Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    April Rose – wow kudos to your for your experiment. very brave. (i see bravery everywhere now i see).

    i would drop that conclusion tho

    there was huge healing there.

    drop the conclusion and let the shifts come.

  210.  #210LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 3:58 pm


    Yeah SA,

    the whole relationship.
    He doesn’t know if he can offer me what I want.
    He lost motivation with my controlling.

    He’s been struggling to find balance.

    His ex is extremely controlling where their son is concerned.
    She lays alot of guilt trips on him.
    Every time we leave for vacation alone together, he feels guilty for leaving his son behind for a week.
    She beats him on the head with it.

    He really bends over backwards to make it up to him, and I get lost in the shuffle.

    Add to that work…anything else to escape the being controlled and the guilt.

    (I add to the controlling).

    He doesn’t want me cd’ing other men while he keeps so busy.
    I can’t keep waiting around either while he figures everything out.

  211.  #211Daria on September 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Siren Angel – oh, what’s not respectful is not following the 4 respect a masculine rules…

    but making a profile and opening up to the world is not about him, and its plenty respectful

    i have some shifting to do around this myself

  212.  #212bloom-ing on September 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    hm i kind of have the “opposite” problem from the one i had a year ago…. interesting, i think i did this on purpose & trained myself like this & it worked – good job – but now it’s time to start moving again to play in the place i feel best. safe travels & godspeed : )

  213.  #213April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Yes, Daria.

    I agree. Conclusions and speculations cause pain in my own heart!

    I felt good being true to myself, no matter what the outcome was.

  214.  #214LiliBee on September 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm


    Thank You Daria for your enrouragement.

    I guess being brave sure can help to accept feeling vulnerable.

  215.  #215April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Miss Stix,

    Ask yourself if chewing over the fat is worth it. What would it feel like sticking to simple heart truths?

  216.  #216Annie on September 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    171: Turquoise says:

    “Hmmmm…. I feel really weird. This guy I dated about 2 years ago, posted something on Facebook about this Halloween event he works at every year at the local amusement park. We were just there Saturday, and my oldest daughter kept saying she wanted to go. So, I commented on his post that they are already getting set up and we might go this year. He called me to say let him know when we are going, can probably get us in, etc. I said thanks, would be great and then asked how he’s been, hows married life (he just got married maybe a month ago) and he said its all right, it’s fine. No problems. (I sure hope my husband would be more excited than that!) he brought up when we were dating, and then he asked about my girls and my candy business and then said he’d always be here for me and to never hesitate to ask for anything. I said thanks, that’s nice to hear. …. But I feel really strange about it. We didn’t date that long, maybe 3 months. For those of you who remember when I first came here… He’s Mike1, had the health issues and needed a better job. Both of which have improved.

    This makes me wonder how many men actually want to get married, or do because they feel they have to. this felt odd to me, especially when he let me know his wife works until 7. This all took place in a 4 min. Convo. I said I had to run. Red flags to anyone else or am I reading into this?”

    HUGE red flag.
    One of my boundries no friendships with married men unless I know them as a couple and the wife is happy for them to have women friends like this. And any man who asks me to be is friend re facebook etc I say this too.
    Even then only comment publicly. No Instant messaging texting phoning or private chat.

    There is no way I would be able to tolerate my husband doing that.

  217.  #217April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    My heart feels real sore when I hear yelling.

  218.  #218MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    I am crying now. I feel dense. Thick…I don’t get it. I didn’t get it! I have never had this kind of love. Oh i’ve had it. From me to ex. Just never from anyone to me.

  219.  #219Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Sirens, I wonder what it would look like to the men in our lives if we all just said… I need to take the rest of the week off from this relationship. I need to feel my feelings, process my emotions and focus on what I want and need for a few days. I love you, talk to you on Sunday.

    I wouldn’t like it if a man said that to me…. But would be better than when they poof. Mr. C. Isn’t even mine, I could do this.

    He has fear of abandonment issues, so I’d have to assure him I was coming back, or maybe back lead and let it be his idea.

    I need some serious mental clarity, and my allergies are getting in the way!

  220.  #220MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    There is nothing wrong with an angry man. He never blamed me for anything. He never said a bad word about me. Just to me. ((((G)))) ((((angry men)))) It’s ok angry men with good intentions. It’s ok to feel angry. Yelling makes me feel scared. That’s ok too.

  221.  #221Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm


  222.  #222April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I have a loving man who I date, and who does a lot of hinting. He tries in indirect ways to find out what I think and feel about him. He doesn’t ask straight out.
    I think he is afraid of rejection.

  223.  #223Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Annie, I agree… Why call me? Why not just post on FB, hey hope you guys make it out, or always a fun time, I bet she likes it! Odd. I’m surprised he still has my number.

  224.  #224MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    My hearts truth is I do love him very much. I am willing to run from uncertainty. I do not want to leave my city. But I believe now if I don’t leave he will not. Chewing the fat is hugely important to me. My past traumas cloud my judgement. I need to remember to have empathy for the man. I will run away from every man I ever meet if I do not do this.

    New truth..Anything that feels BIG and SCARY will make question my love for a man. Because that is safe. I am a safe place. Alone I am safe. Not in love I am safe. In love and together I am vulnerable.

  225.  #225Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    ive freed up a steel arrow of masculine energy

    and more

    i find myself thinking in terms of ‘ambition’ ‘acomplishments’ ‘industriousness’ ‘productive’

    i feel guilty thinking i triggered a lot of annoyance and grief over getting triggered over these words


    i can choose feminine ones, but this masculine energy i have wants a job to do, wants to climb up and work to them and to do that for my girl

    im good with that


    this means More passions for me

    not less

    oh goody

    i like this brave thing

    i can stand up

    and look outside

    and i fel open to the men and the dog and

    i don’t feel the heartbreak



    im so home

    im so home

    ive been wnating this… all my life

    since i grabbed the wound

    and my ancestors are rejoicing

  226.  #226April Rose on September 17, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I have done that ‘loud venting’ thing when I feel stressed and reactive.

    Other people have asked me to stop yelling at them.

    I feel surprised that’s how they experience it.

  227.  #227Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    i can try on these diff beliefs about myself, cuz i have the bravery to now

    mmm mmm mmm

    i feel stirred up

    i feel a lot of love for me

  228.  #228Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Wow Daria…. Happy to see you open to new thoughts and ideas for yourself! There will be no stopping you, with your steel arrow…. Like Catniss Everdeen, the girl on fire! You go with your brave self!

  229.  #229Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    oh frick i feel a lot of guilt

    and also confusion like

    what about my old style thinking where i was making everything feminine


    i feel embracing of my masculine

    ive been feeling more embracing of my masculine the past few weeks as it is

    i can imagine it will help my feminine

    Rori says the more the masculine takes care of the feminine, the more I will meet men who do so also

    so yum

    co creating with my energies

    my feminine has big desires

    shes attracting them

    my masculine has ambitions to do what are the seen and linear steps to them



    feels a lil confusing

    and im so brave

    its all good to me


    wow life is different

    im big and powerful now

    im top dog

    i see thinking he’s not brave is a huge wound to the masculine

    he’ll be abusing and fighting and all over the place causing so much havoc tryna prove to himself


    i want to help heal this

    thank you for healing it in me

    i really admire you

    me that is


    looking up to me feels awesome

    i feel so safe and admiring

    i see there are so many other qualities i can bring in, that i saw in other people and maybe questioned in me

    like, natural with men,

    deep, mysterious, earthy, mmm womanly


    but this one

    was a big one for me

    probably the biggest change ive had in my life


    one of them

    there was the change when i found im sexy too

    and finding rori

    became creative


    i wanted this so much

    and now i got it

    and i begin to rock. steady

    steay rockin all nite long

    i begin to rock, steady

    mmm steady rockin all nite long


    im felin msyelf

    i feel good

    like melty candle

  230.  #230Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Thanks Turqoise ! 🙂

    this is something i always wanted!

    and with God’s help, and Goddesses and a whole lotta love i gave it to myself

  231.  #231Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    now i won’t need to desperately cling to it from other people

  232.  #232Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    another quality i will like is Fun

  233.  #233Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    im more than a steel arrow, im a rushing river, im a rising ocean

    and many undiscovered things!

    and i will now be able to be with my emotions even more

    and discover infinity fulfilments and beauty inside myself

  234.  #234Daria on September 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    if im brave, i will attract a brave man, not a scared man, or a man endlessly trying to prove he’s brave by dominating and control, like i have been

    and like i have done


    i love me and those men so much and me me me me me me


    what a relief

    what a huge healing

    i feel bored of talking about it now

    i want to go watch my show

  235.  #235Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Daria, you want to be a feminine warrior right? I feel it’s perfect to have both, and if we focus on what makes up happy and feels right, at that juncture in our lives..,. What can be wrong with that? You’ll always be feminine too. It’s ingrained in you!

  236.  #236Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    So, just had a really nice moment. Mr. C. Just called to share with me some really happy news about his job, and that he really valued my feedback when he practiced on me, and he implemented it and it went extremely well. He said he wanted to give me recognition for it, and I said wasn’t necessary and he said it was! My support means so much to him. He even said its hard for him to accept my positive thinking approach because he can’t explain it, but that he sees how much it works, so I am right! (haha… So hard for a man to admit) but I felt very smiley hearing his good news and the enthusiasm and positivity in his voice. I’m happy for him. 🙂 it also warmed my heart that he called me right away , and said he really wanted to share it with me. Awwww, feels good.

  237.  #237Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Turquoise, I’m not sure where you and Mr C are headed, but he sure does value you. 🙂

  238.  #238Daria on September 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    i feel more sleepy than anything

    the doubts came and i love them and

    im sill really brave

    of course

    smh loving it

  239.  #239MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm


    You are amazing and inspiring!

  240.  #240MissStix on September 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm


    You are amazing and inspiring too!!








    Hey, we all are! I could list names all day! Even if we don’t feel it we all need to remember this. Somewhere in our minds, even when times are just sh1t.

  241.  #241Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Thanks BW. It feels so revitalizing to be important to someone again. He’s quick with praise and gratitude too… Fills me up receiving it. 🙂

  242.  #242Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Thanks MissStix! We all are. This is a wonderful blog full of amazing women! 🙂 I really need to stop procrastinating and clean up my kitchen and living room.

    Hey team stop procrastinating??? Remember me? Putting on some music and letting my boy out to be productive! Be back in a bit!


  243.  #243Brandylion on September 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    The evening just felt bland. I forgot all the tools except leaning back and using FMs. I got lots of practice smiling and saying hi; only one man actually pursued a conversation, which died fairly quickly. I let him lead it, and he didn’t quite do so.

    It’s really hard to practice 5-second smile when eyes meet briefly and then the man breaks contact.

    The time spent with my friend was valuable, but I honestly would have had a better-feeling evening if I’d just stayed home to grade and write academic comments.

    And the guy who was going to meet me tomorrow backed out. I don’t feel that bummed; he wasn’t attractive or interesting enough for me to try to rearrange my schedule to meet him, and I wasn’t really looking forward to meeting him. The important thing is realizing how angry I felt with myself for going ahead and suggesting a school night when it just didn’t feel good to fit a date in. Change never feels good, though, so I don’t know what bad feelings to pay attention to and which ones to just plow through and ignore.

    Now is clearly just not the right time for me to have a partner to share my life with. I wish someone could tell me when it’s going to be my time, my turn. I’m not used to working so hard with so little tangible/visible/noticeable progress toward the goal.

  244.  #244Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Awww yeah that would feel good Turquoise.

    Words of Affirmation is my main love language. It must be up there for you too! 🙂

  245.  #245Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    (((Brandylion))) – If only we all had a crystal ball.

    What if you were to look at every interaction you had with a man and look for the lesson in that interaction? What is each one teaching you?

    You seem down right now, and it will come across in your vibe.

    I also get from your posts lately that your heart’s just not in it, plus you have other things that you’re placing a higher priority on.

    There’s nothing wrong with that, so long as you know that while dating is such a low priority, it’s going to take longer for “the one” (or many!) to come along.

    I’m wondering if you’ll begin to feel better once your hormones start to regulate, as I have… xxx

  246.  #246Linda on September 17, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I am waiting for my man. I have lots of men buzzing around. Nibble here.. nibble there. I am waiting for my man. NONE of them are interesting to me.I have not been attracted to a one of them really! Today I had a man I exchanged text with yesterday call. All he did was crack joke after joke and he had such bad enunciation I could hardly make out what he was saying on the phone! I felt talked at not to. Hmmm like I said NONE of them are the least bit interesting to me. Even OlderBusyMan is unappealing to me really.

    I took a little lean forward tonight on line and messaged a man (EvanMarcKatz style)….that caught my eye. He wrote back immediately ! He truely is the first man in three months that I could get a little excited about. The rest just leave me flat or feeling “ewwwwh”

    Lets see what tomorrow brings… nite

  247.  #247Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    I went for a walk earlier and a guy caught my eye. He was good looking and lovely and tall!

    He looked straight at me and smiled.

    It caught me by surprise! Lol

  248.  #248Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Yeah BW, words of affirmation are a big one for me too. But I like them all 🙂

    Whoo hoo for seeing a hot man on your walk! 🙂

  249.  #249Butterfly wings on September 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Yay for hot men!! 😀

  250.  #250Memulo on September 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Sirens, my gfriend told me that she spent around 3K on her bfriends bday. She is making a lot less money than him. He liked it, he always does.. shows him that she cares.

  251.  #251Turquoise on September 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    3 grand????? Sheesh. I definitely don’t have that kind of money to spend on a boyfriend. I don’t even have that to spend on me right now. If I did… Down payment on a car!

  252.  #252Luzydel on September 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    I got into a big argument with Dw; it kinda felt good to have an argument without insulting each other; its the first time I do that with a man.

    I dunno; maybe I’m done and maybe he’s done, but it felt good to let it out of my system. I never saw him communicating like that to me; But I felt he was being self righteous and I felt turned off… I felt I finally saw a big flaw, not what I have been making in my mind, but the real him.

  253.  #253Belle on September 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Just got off the phone with T.
    He’s very interested in his longtime roomie and after a long conversation it was clear to both of us we are headed in separate directions.

    It feels good, very nice and soft and like a soft breeze through my belly.

    Tonight while meditating about the struggly feelings at work, I could finally SEE how it’s my trauma pattern playing out in a much clearer way. So, I feel validated that I stopped struggling with the struggle and gave myself permission to flip-flop with C and love myself anyway. I’m not sure how things will play out but I feel like I’ve turned a corner and I definitely feel more compassion for myself.

    On the way home my inner guidance told me to check out the local ACIM study group, and lo and behold there was a class tonight. I went, and at first felt revulsion and judgment, it seemed everyone was sick and wan and decrepit so I practiced receiving everyone’s energy and seeing through the eyes of love. I felt icked by the instructor, also, at first. Then he started talking about his experience of embracing his feelings of hate and the surge of love that happened unexpectedly and I felt turned on and juicy, he went on and on and I was sitting there nodding my head in recognition, heart opening more, smiling and hand on my heart.

    Mmm…time for bed. Sweet dreams, y’all 🙂

  254.  #254Radlove on September 17, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    The keys that open all gates are
    strapped to love’s chest.

    ~ Rumi

  255.  #255Heart on September 17, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Sirens – should I email CudG or should I just let it go?

  256.  #256Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Morning heart, Lean back hunnie 🙂

  257.  #257Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    I’m open to meeting new men.

    I want to cd.

    Men have always shown up for me in the past, hence I am single for the 1st at age 28 since I was 14.

    Having spent this long in a relationship, do sirens think it’s a good idea to take time to myself? I’ve been single (but with strumminingman on the scene for 9 months now.

    My fear… I do not want to meet a man at a bar…!!!!
    I’m fearful about online dating..!!!
    My fear is that if I don’t get an online profile, I won’t meet anyone 

    That makes me feel heartbroken.

    I do feel an amazing catch. I feel such a goddess men would be so lucky to come into my life. ((me))

  258.  #258Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:36 pm


    I feel I’ve wasted a lot of my life, staying in relationships, hoping theyll turn into more.

  259.  #259Heart on September 17, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Smile – 🙂 yea I figured so…just checking lol.

  260.  #260Smile on September 17, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    Heart, it’s hard, try leaning back in your thoughts too.

  261.  #261Heart on September 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    Smile – ok 🙂

  262.  #262Heart on September 17, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    omg – he just wrote me and he’s being friendly and normal in the email….Don’t know how to be or what to say.
    It’s like what Rori says : I feel happy to hear from him but ubhappy that I had to wait so long.

  263.  #263Tereana on September 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    Heart – Also, remember that guys have a different “timeline.” Not just about relationships. They have a different sense of time altogether. To you, it felt like forever. For him, he was probably just getting his thoughts together. If you make a “thing” out of it, it could possibly push him away, or at least bring up questions about whether or not he enjoys being with you. If he’s being “friendly and normal” in his email, I’d say respond in kind. Make NO mention of the time it took him to email you. This goes along with Rori’s “surrender” scripts vs. “control” scripts.

    “Control” has to do with how *you* think it should happen. “Surrender” means surrendering to what’s happening now. Forget about what you “think” about how you want(ed) it to go. And just respond to what he says. sounds like it could be interesting! 🙂

    Oh yeah, and PS, if a guy is taking a longer time to write to you, that’s most likely a compliment – it means he actually cares to take the time and think about it. He’s not just whipping off a message without thinking. He’s invested. And it was only a little while. Sounds fine to me!

  264.  #264Heart on September 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    Sirens – also – he is using the word – Feel- in his email.
    He said : it feels like a long time since we’ve seen each other.
    This is new… his vibe is….different…somethingis different about him..

  265.  #265Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    ((((Smile)))) – it’s not ‘wasting time’ in relationships, it’s called ‘learning curve’ – been there, done that, 3 long term relationships and they were just fine but also never lead to anywhere, two of the guys are now married. That’s fine.
    I learnt 😉

  266.  #266Heart on September 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    #263 – Tereana – thanks for taking the time to write that to m3.I feel very grateful. I’m taking in what you wrote…

  267.  #267Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    Yep Heart, let it go….and be surprised when he does contact…just get busy, CD etc 😉

  268.  #268ruth on September 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm


    heart, that feels good to me
    Smile, well, I think it would feel nice to have some time *not* in a relationship, finding out what you like and want to do, and just pleasing yourself for a change

  269.  #269Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Not that I would recommend jumping from one fear to the other, but I have been really leaning back in my thoughts….mainly because I have a dentist appointment coming up tomorrow and I have a full blown fear. I am trying to re-invent myself and see if I can just pretend that it was a former ‘me’ that has that crippling (fainting, jumping off chair kind of) fear.
    Not sure that will work. However, it has been consuming most of my thoughts…no men on my mind at all right now, ha!!!
    I am taking care of myself… 🙂

  270.  #270Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Oh heart, I just saw that he wrote to you..haha..funny timing!!

  271.  #271Tam on September 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Mornin’ Ruth!

  272.  #272Heart on September 18, 2012 at 12:01 am

    Sirens – well Cuddleygrinch asked me out in the email…but he is acting like the whole FeelingMessage & response exchange didn’t even happen…Feeling good but pissy

  273.  #273Tereana on September 18, 2012 at 12:05 am

    So, ladies – I know that I pop on and off the blog, and I never have time to read everyone’s posts (though I generally just like reading through and focusing on what speaks to me, and seeing the stories you all are going through). And I’m sorry that I don’t get a chance to respond to everyone all the time.

    But I still like being here. I like having this blog to come back to. It’s saved me so many times from doing so many stupid things! lol

    But not every stupid thing….hahaha lol again.

    I know that, even after being here for about a year, I am still “leaning forward” sometimes. But now I see it more. Now I can catch myself and sometimes not do the thing I was going to do. And it gets easier.

    And I see patterns, too – Like I tend to lean forward with guys that I don’t even really like or want. Hm, what’s that all about?…

    And vman – I would so totally welcome some candid feedback on this topic. I’ve been posting on this a lot, and I know I probably sound like I have my shit together, but really I feel confused inside.

    On the one hand, my heart tells me he’s probably not the guy for me. I can get anxious where he is concerned. Sometimes I view him as selfish.

    But on the other hand, I like it so much when he is pursuing me, even for a friendship. Even if it’s a sexy friendship. I don’t know why, I just like it so much. I can’t explain it. He’s not the most good-looking guy. And he is at times emotionally stunted. But at other times, he shows up brilliantly, and does wonderful things. Or at least he’s nice and friendly and supportive.

    Hearing from him is like crack, it really is. It’s my main man crack right now. Not like I’m addicted to it, but…ok, yeah, I probably am. I gotta get off the man-crack pipe! lol

    I know you all are probably going to tell me what’s obvious to me – that he’s not the right guy. Move on. etc. Keep dating (as I am). That’s all well and good.

    The problem is, that when I see him, I like him. When I hear from him, it makes me feel good. When I’m around him, I feel normal. I don’t like it when he goes away. It makes me feel sad 🙁

    I like it better when I think about him not going away. When I imagine that he’s really not going anywhere. He’s always thinking about me. And when I imagine that he’s right there, even when I can’t see him.

    And maybe he is. Maybe that’s exactly what’s happening. How can I tell? Or maybe some other man (or woman! ha!) is getting ready to show up in my life, or is already here, and just waiting to be like, “Hey, over here! I’m awesome!” That would be cool..

    So, if anyone has been following what I’ve written about recently, would you mind sharing any thoughts/feelings/feedback? Thank you! : )


  274.  #274Heart on September 18, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Tam – yea Tam…you were right. 😛

  275.  #275Tereana on September 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

    @Heart – you’re welcome! : )

  276.  #276Tereana on September 18, 2012 at 12:09 am

    ps Heart – He asked you out. That’s so cute! I think he likes you 🙂

  277.  #277Tereana on September 18, 2012 at 12:11 am

    wow – a year and a half to find out that someone doesn’t want a long-term partnership. That’s a long time!! I usually find that out in the first few dates. Seems like the kind of think you want to know *before* you get involved with someone…but on the other hand, I can’t really fault the woman. She’s just like us, and probably she just really wanted to be with the guy, and just never asked. I guess Lauren’s article a while back would come in handy for avoiding situations like these…

  278.  #278Tam on September 18, 2012 at 12:15 am

    272 – he is asking you out? Yay!!
    Heart, you can’t expect him to answer you back like another woman. He is a man after all….just give him some leeway, please.
    We are the ones who are vulnerable, and they are the ones taking action. I know only few men who are as talkative and as communicative and empathetic as women, and frankly – I don’t fancy them because they have a very feminine vibe.
    Let him be and see if what he has to offer feels good, because if it doesn’t you can just drop him, no?

  279.  #279Tam on September 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

    277, Tereana, some men will say anything in the first few dates. Sometimes they even believe that they do want a committed relationship, but they are also clever enough to know that most women would not be interested in dating a man if he told them at the first or second date that he would prefer friends with benefits or casual hookups…..
    There are lots of men on dating websites ‘looking for a relationship’, that are definitely not looking for a relationship, and some are even married…..but 1 1/2 years is relly long to find out. I’d hope to think it wouldn’t take me that long. I usually find out after 3 months what the man is really made of and whether it could work with us.

  280.  #280ruth on September 18, 2012 at 12:21 am

    Morning Tam

  281.  #281Heart on September 18, 2012 at 12:22 am

    Tereana – so Vman is saying He doesnt want a relationship?

  282.  #282Heart on September 18, 2012 at 12:28 am

    #278 – Tam – ok I’ll explore it. I just need to trust my boundaries I guess. Thank u.

  283.  #283Tam on September 18, 2012 at 12:30 am

    In between my dentist drill thoughts and work, I just had a sneaky look on POF…a bit noring these days. I did not that MrP has not been on at all, ever since he saw me on there and found out that I was coming back for sure and when – not been on. For 2 weeks basically.
    Probably coincidence, and now I said that, he will probably be back on there with a vengeance today…I just feel a little giggly because I ‘dumped’ him once when I saw him on there after we had spent a night together….I remember saying that if he wants to date others or even play around with that, he is not the right man for me.
    And I still remember last time thinking ‘oh he has learnt’ when I got back there and on the day we saw each other, he deleted his profile…haha. And told me about it proudly… Mine was still up…
    Ok, back to worrying about the dentist – ho ho ho.

  284.  #284Heart on September 18, 2012 at 12:40 am

    Goodluck at the dentist Tam! Courage.

    Tereana – You don’t need to leave Vman….maybe emotionally he is where ur at right now?

  285.  #285Tam on September 18, 2012 at 1:02 am

    Thank you Heart, I am only going tomorrow and it won’t be my only appointment… 🙁

  286.  #286ruth on September 18, 2012 at 1:22 am

    will bw thinking of you at the dentist tam

    (i havent been for over 20 years-um)

  287.  #287Tam on September 18, 2012 at 1:37 am

    286 – seriously Ruth? You must have amazing teeth, very strong..I haven’t been for 6 or so. And now I am wondering why I am putting myself through it as I am not in pain at all…but think I have a couple of holes.
    Point is, I am terrified because they always find something else and do something more and bla bla.
    Sometimes I think my teeth are better when I don’t go, as a lot of the time I do wonder whether it is all a money making thing (not all but a lot of it).

  288.  #288ruth on September 18, 2012 at 2:08 am

    had teeth taken out(to make room) with no anaesthtic when i was little Tam( “children dont feel pain”), so am leery of the dentist now

    was made to go till I was 18, and then after that just didnt
    we lived in a fluoridated water area, which i think has helped, but i am *bound* to need a wholeload of work

  289.  #289ruth on September 18, 2012 at 2:10 am

    LOL at the money making thing

    i am sure when I was little we had unecessary fillings!

    Actualy, I *know* we did

    we changed dentist when i was 11.the new one was horrified and what had been done to our teeth

    he also used anaesthetic


    he wanted me to wear braces but i was going on a flute tour and didnt want to ruin the embouchure, so to this day i have wonky teeth

  290.  #290Tam on September 18, 2012 at 2:13 am Ruth, sorry to hear that, sounds horrific. Similar reason for me not going, I had a big man dentist with big hands as a kid and he used to drill without anaesthetic until I was howling with pain and jumping off the chair – trauma. So now even when I hear the drill I start shaking.
    But I can’t imagine having teeth pulled with no numbing, that’s torture actually.
    Interesting how these childhood traumas really rule our lives still….I only go when I have pain.
    So that’s once every 5/6 years or so, it’s traumatic enough. They used to prescribe Valium to make sure I didn’t jump off the chair..haha…as the anaesthetic sometimes just doesn’t work. But here in Germany they don’t do that….so it’s gonna be all fun and games with a new dentist too..urgh.

  291.  #291Tam on September 18, 2012 at 2:15 am

    I have wonky teeth despite braces….and I keep wanting to get them straightened..but more trips to the dentist – just not ready for that.
    You can imagine in the States everybody with the perfect’s a bit of a trigger for me.

  292.  #292ruth on September 18, 2012 at 2:19 am

    Actually, I am quite fond of my wonky teeth in a way

    I would feel weird having straight pearly white American teeth-it wouldnt feel like me!

    Wearing Rose quartz jewellery today
    It feels comforting

  293.  #293Tam on September 18, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Feels nice to hear about the wonky never used to bother me either, not at all, but since I spent so much time in the States, well teeth seem to be a big topic there. Perfect teeth, bodies, surgeries etc. That’s what I don’t like so much.
    I have had more than one person say to me ‘ooooh you Europeans and your bad teeth’ and one guy I dates actually was an orthodontist and said something to the effect of ‘I will straighten your teeth for you’ (he didn’t even ask me whether I was wanting to do that, guess he assumes I was poor).
    So ever since then I got a bit tooth conscious…maybe a self-esteem issues also.

  294.  #294Sirenity on September 18, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Ms Stix re him yelling at you …How does it feel to be yelled at repeatedly by someone?

    I know that someone yelling at me feels cold inside like I am shutting off to them in defense.

    I wonder how repeated yelling at me would feel , especially if that person then alternated with attempts to get close. It might feel like cold shut off followed by cautious opening , over and over , till the shutting off shut down my feelings all together and the cautious opening became paralysis.

    Yep ..that might explain a lack of feeling .

    It might also explain a desire to stay close to loved ones who are predictable and who dont yell in anger

    What do you think?

    I might add i have not ever stayed with anyone who just kept yelling at me with anger. I fear raised angry mens voices.It does not feel like being cherished to hear an angry man yelling and directing that negative energy at me no matter what it is about .

    To me it a boundary . Heres a recent example…(this happens occasionally in my work place..)

    ” I feel shut off from people yelling at me.(I crossed my arms in front of my face, palm outward in a defensive gesture and held them there till the yelling stopped ) It feels unsafe and i cannot concentrate. This is not acceptable to me and I dont wish to work for you.”

    I have zero tolerance for abusive yelling. This was just a client in a public setting . How much worse if the one who is your lover and protector is yelling at you and you accepted it on a regular basis?? I can only wonder how that would feel.

  295.  #295mary on September 18, 2012 at 3:02 am

    hello Dominique and Daria! and everyone else here!

    i just read this post and it’s too much like what i’m going through!

    i’ve been dating and exclusive with my boyfriend for two years + and we get into these “arguments” where really he is ranting quite a bit and i’m sitting back listening calmly, and although he’s been talking marriage, he said yesterday that he’s not ready until we get along better.

    but he does things to make sure we have conflict. and i believe he’s the reason we’re not getting along.

    and – oh wow – i still want to marry him!


    he works at night and on many weekend nights, and i find myself going stir-crazy at home by myself when he has jobs, so i joined a Friends community online and actually went out to the wine country yesterday to do some wine-tasting. it was SO FUN!

    they paired us up in cars and there were two guys in the car (that they assigned) to me and my girlfriend.

    i told this to my boyfriend later – who was at work – and he did NOT LIKE IT. it was a form of circular dating – Rori calls it dating the world – and i simply don’t know what to do with his anger.

    Rori says that giving the girlfriend speech and circular dating is the cure for all this -as in the post – but i’m scared he’ll drop me if i do that.

    he has actually said that he will, and i believe him. he’s kindof an alpha male.

    but i know the books and the counselors – like Rori – say that it’ll increase his interest.

    but it’s so scary.

    !!! !

    i don’t know what to do!

    what do you think?

    love, mary

  296.  #296Butterfly Wings on September 18, 2012 at 3:06 am

    Hi Mary. Do you want to stay in this exact same situation for the rest of your life?

    If not, then obviously something has to change, right?

    If he really does love you, he’ll step up when you give the speech (or he’ll let you go then realise he can’t live without you).

    If not, thank goodness you delivered the speech so you could get out now!


  297.  #297Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Wow. I dreamed about PriestCD last night. It’s one of the first times that I distinctly recall having dreamed about him, at least since the break-up.

    He and his new girlfriend were staying somewhere with me and my family, including some extended family (like aunts and uncles). I mentioned to my dad that I wanted to do something that I don’t remember right now, like take a shower, but I didn’t want to be in PriestCD’s way. My dad said he hadn’t seen him since the previous morning. One of my family members chimed in that he and his new girlfriend had gone off by themselves, and then someone else said that they’d gone camping and hadn’t said when they’d be back.

    And this not only led to a total meltdown in my dream, but sent such a tremor of pure RAGE through me that it woke me up.

  298.  #298Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 3:13 am

    I could still feel the aftershocks of that tremor for several minutes after waking.

  299.  #299Sirenity on September 18, 2012 at 3:29 am

    Mary there is a difference between a man wanting to CONTROL our actions and our lives on his terms and a man who is just “grumbling” as Rori puts it. Which is he?

  300.  #300Butterfly Wings on September 18, 2012 at 3:30 am

    Good point Sirenity. 🙂

  301.  #301Sirenity on September 18, 2012 at 3:49 am

    I feel bad reading about a man who says he wants marriage , some vague day in the future when the relationship is “better” , then yelling and making conflict then complaining when you start to open up to the world.

    I wonder if you have missed the clear guidelines of the “no girlfriend speech” and therefore he is more resentful because it is not clearly explained in an open and honest manner?

    This is tricky..just practicing…

    ” Honey, I would feel wonderful being married to you, and I do so want a forever relationship with you, but I totally respect your concerns and that you dont feel ready. I appreciate so much that we can talk about this.

    The conflict between us lately feels bad and it feels like pressure and I really dont want to pressure you at all .

    I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for marriage to to the man who treasures me. And although I love being with you I cant continue to be just a girlfriend, exclusively seeing a man who really doesnt want the same things i want. I feel unhappy in this situation.

    It will feel more comfortable if I open up and accept other dates and explore my options while you figure this out. Please take all the time you need.

    I would still feel good to see you often (and will be sexually exclusive ..if that is what you want..)but I will be open to dating other men as well.”

  302.  #302Heart on September 18, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Sirens – I am re-reading CudG’s email and I’m feeling Angry.
    Grrrr…. is there any Rori articles to help me with this….How to deal with this Anger.
    I want to see him but I also want to Punish him!
    If I see him does it mean I’m letting him walk over me and treat me badly?

  303.  #303Sirenity on September 18, 2012 at 3:59 am

    It occurs to me that the “no girlfriend” speech really is best said earlier rather than later , so the man has a clear guideline as to what you want .

    Many of them probably assume , like many online advice coaches seem to , that the girls objective is to find a boyfriend and that you will be happy with that until some vague time maybe possibly in the future when things could magically become”serious”.

    I often say now in those early first few dates something like, “I am not into an instant relationship but if things go well with a particular man as we get to know each other I am definitely looking for a long term partnership. Meanwhile i am just dating until i meet a good man who wants the same thing i want.

  304.  #304Senara on September 18, 2012 at 3:59 am

    278 Tam

    “We are the ones who are vulnerable, and they are the ones taking action. I know only few men who are as talkative and as communicative and empathetic as women, and frankly – I don’t fancy them because they have a very feminine vibe.”

    Tam, many times I have wished that my man was more like what you described here but now seeing it written that way, I can see how awkward it would feel if it were the case. :/

  305.  #305Senara on September 18, 2012 at 4:11 am

    287 Tam

    Dentists can’t do anything without your consent. They have to ask you.

  306.  #306Tam on September 18, 2012 at 4:21 am

    305 – thank you Senara.. 🙂
    feel better hearing that, though I should know…

  307.  #307Heart on September 18, 2012 at 4:37 am

    should I respond with a feeling message?

    it repelled him last time…lol

  308.  #308Heart on September 18, 2012 at 4:40 am

    ok ok it probably wasnt the FM ….lol

  309.  #309Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    M has just left for work and I am having breakfast in his bed while catching up here on the blog.

    This morning, he held me close again, he’s been holding me close all the nights and cuddling snuggly every morning, even more than before! And we got into talking about how it feels so good to be in each other’s arms. I told him I feel delicious, like metling caramel, sweet and warm and honey fragrant. And I told him how it feels like our souls are entwining, not just our bodies, and he said he was thinking the same thing, how we just fit perfectly body and soul, and how some people never find what we have in their whole life. Then he said he loved me. Then he said ‘but we are still moving on, even though it is so hard’. Duh! I know, big drop in my belly right there…. Yet, I do feel for SURE that he is coming so much closer to me. Then before leaving, he hugged me again even though it made him miss his train. He usually dashes out to not miss the train.

    What do you think sirens?

  310.  #310Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 4:59 am

    BW @204,

    Awww… thank you.

  311.  #311Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Turquoise @205,

    I feel troubled too that some men will rush into marrying one girl and often regret it later. He is obviously reaching out to you for some reason. He seems unhappy in his marriage. But again, as you didn’t really get to know him all that much, could he just be a player?

  312.  #312Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:05 am

    LiliBee @210,

    ((((LiliBee)))) I am so sorry you are going through this… it is really hard I know.

    I really believe the best you can do is just lean back for now and speak your truth, from the heart, when he does show up again contacting you again. How would it feel to tell him about the vulnerability underneath the control?

  313.  #313Turquoise on September 18, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Good morning sirens. I wish I could stay home today….. It’s been raining really hard for hours. Would feel so good to stay in bed with a book and a cup of tea…. Since I don’t have a hot man to enjoy the rainy day with. Sigh….. Work instead.

  314.  #314Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:10 am

    Turquoise @219,

    “Sirens, I wonder what it would look like to the men in our lives if we all just said… I need to take the rest of the week off from this relationship. I need to feel my feelings, process my emotions and focus on what I want and need for a few days. I love you, talk to you on Sunday. ”

    Oh… I feel sooo much like that sometimes… And It makes me feel powerful… But then the insecurities come in, churning in my belly, and the most I can ask for is one evening home to do my yoga and laundry and take a hot bath… I feel weak in the knees and pain in my belly at my inability to let it all go for several days, let go if the grip and control…

    I would feel so good to get to that place.

  315.  #315forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 5:10 am

    Hmmm that explains why I like Lionman to drive thanks Daria.

    Ruth omg children dont feel pain? Argghhh that’s barbaric like what they do to some animals now

    Tam good luck. Remember you can say stop no or I need a few minutes please.

    Heart what is this about! He moves towards you and you get angry? I would suggest its a way of shutting him out not going there being afraid of being vulnerable well you are in the right place. Share about where the anger is coming from and what fear it is covering up ..

    LG how are you? Are you back from your trip yet?

    Last night I saw three handsome men driving towards me while I was at a traffic sign each one smiled at me! Weird! I feel like I haven’t seen tht many handsome men in one day for a long time.

    All good this end except Lionman gets very annoyed when I don’t answer my phone or call him back right away. Id love a good feeling message about this that isn’t dude you broke up with me so don’t give me a hard time now when I’m not instantly st your beck and call as I was. He takes it personally but honestly I don’t have the ringer on my phone on so I never hear it and I’m always doing a million things and often don’t get back to anyone until hours afterwards.

    Hmmm ok dear Lionman I understand it’s frustrating when you can’t get a hold of me for hours. What can we to fix this?

    L gggrrrumbl

  316.  #316forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 5:12 am

    I think today Lionman is going to buy me a present I feel excited and smiley it feels so good!

    Quality time and affection are my languages of love.

  317.  #317Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Memulo 250,

    3g on a bday for boyfriend? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard… I feel curious, does he do the same or more for her? how does he treat her? are they engaged? is she secure in his love for her?

  318.  #318forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Oh siren angel I felt sick reading this. What does it mean? How can he be moving in one direction with you and saying something else? What is that? I do know now that when I feel that feeling in my stomach it’s my cue that I need to talk about it with him or it will come back to bite me.

  319.  #319Linda on September 18, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Siren Angel…. Bask Girl! Just be !

    I had a season in my life like what you are in. Best time in my life so far.


  320.  #320Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:25 am

    SA what do you think he meant by “but we are still moving on, even though it is so hard’”

  321.  #321Butterfly Wings on September 18, 2012 at 5:26 am

    309 Siren Angel – Rori’s last blog post will tell you what to do.

    If M knows your value, he will therefore know what to do.


  322.  #322Butterfly Wings on September 18, 2012 at 5:30 am

    TH gave me another little afternoon tea present today (more yogurt and muesli). Apart from that I’ve not talked to him or heard from him, which is unusual.

    Lucky I’ve been busy doing other stuff!

    For sure he’ll message me about gym tomorrow though…

    Oh and I just realised I have two of his work shirts here. Oops! 😛

  323.  #323Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:30 am

    SA 317
    Memulo 250

    Isn’t it amazing how we see clearly when it is another woman in the situation and not us.

  324.  #324Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:32 am

    FW @320,

    I believe he doesnt see how he could tell the kids that we are back together and therefore we ‘are moving on’ ie. seeing each other now until I find someone else as he has been given the speech that I will date others but stay exclusive sexually with him until ‘the right man shows up’.

    He is sad about it but has not yet claimed me back. However, FW, I am confused. His words and actions do NOT match up. He is acting totally in love and cuddly and not just about sex. He is talking more, sharing more about his work, his ex, everything. HE is much more affectionate. Holds me ALL night, holds my hand, gazes in my eyes, kisses me, kisses my back at night.

    I would like to know what is going on here…

    Oh, and when I opened my computer this morning, I opened FB and there was a red flag in the ‘messages’ section (it was a message from LiliBee) but I didnt open it and he was next to me in bed and looking over with one eye on the screen. Then I closed FB because I don;t want him to know everything and especially about the blog and other Sirens. And I could feel he was a little worried and hurt and I felt bad.

  325.  #325Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 5:37 am

    BW @321,

    Are you talking about the article on this thread or the one before?

  326.  #326Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Siren Angel that is normal behavior a lot of men demonstrate “His words and actions do NOT match up” – when they are flip flopping.

    I am not sure I would have told him “until the right man shows up”. It seems you are already telling him he is the right man and you are just using him. Maybe reinforcing that he can use you in return. Maybe until “a man who wants me in his life and chooses to give me the relationship I want shows up”.

    He will open up and talk more if he feels safe. One key to look for is how much he talks about “we” and “future” plans to be together.

  327.  #327Sirenity on September 18, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Forest Siren..

    I always remember my fathers words..”The phone is for my convenience, not for that of the person who calls me”

    I regularly turn mine onto silent, leave it at home when i am out or exercising ,or upstairs when i am in the garden. Things i say to people who complain about this…

    ” I feel relaxed about my phone and often I turn it off”

    .”It is usually off at work all day. Do please leave a message and i will get back to you later.”

    “I feel so relaxed without my phone on, but appreciate you calling or messaging me and i will respond when I am free”

    My kids now just call and leave voice messages and I get back asap . New CDs OFTEN call but do not leave a message (and I dont call them back ) Family and friends know my habits and are happy to leave a message.

    You owe him nothing. His anger at not getting an instant response is just him grumbling . i feel irritated that he has expectations of you !!!

  328.  #328Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Closing FB suggests you have something to hide and I suspect his emotional energy will be stuck there for a while until the secret is revealed or he gets a sense that there are no secrets. That for him will be a wall that he keeps bumping into.

  329.  #329Senara on September 18, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Siren Angel, he doesn’t know about this place?

    Hehe, mine doesn’t either. It’s my little secret! 😉

  330.  #330Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:51 am

    I dunno I feel triggered thinking about secrets in relationships. I always hate it when a man goes off in his cave because he is trying to resolve something without letting me know. It was a major fault line with my last fiance.

  331.  #331BAB on September 18, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Ugh stupid voices! (I need a better way to deal)
    Boyfriend received a call yesterday while we were at his parents. He went out side to speak to whomever it was and was acting very strange about it, not saying anything until he got outside and then when he came back in said it was work, and that they were wondering where he had put something.
    He didn’t work yesterday:/ He sat down and looked me in the eyes and gave me a big smile. At the time i thought this was his way of saying “don’t worry it wasn’t another girl” then i remembered he had the day off yesterday and my heart began to race.
    I want so badly to snoop on our phone bill and see who it really was. My heart is fighting a war with my head. I hate this feeling

  332.  #332Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:53 am

    I prefer to be told there is something on my heart/mind and would appreciate if you allow me to work through it on my own.

  333.  #333Butterfly Wings on September 18, 2012 at 5:54 am

    The one before, SA, and in particular where she says “The very first step in making a man want to fall for you is not selling yourself to him cheap…”

    So that’s when she talks about CDing him along with everyone else because right NOW he doesn’t want any more (even though he may change his mind in the future).

    But SA, you may realise as time goes by that maybe M isn’t what you want anyway… xxx

  334.  #334Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 5:56 am

    BAB – if you have to “snoop” you are selling yourself short and relationship is not worth it. It erodes your self-esteem. So not worth it.

  335.  #335BAB on September 18, 2012 at 6:00 am

    I know feminiewoman. Its not worth it, i just have to work to be stronger and more understanding and not jump to conclusions Thank you for the tough words tho, good kick in the butt.

  336.  #336forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

    Thank you sirinity that is super helpful and makes me feel good to read that it’s ok to not be available instantly to everyone!

  337.  #337Senara on September 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

    I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me coming on this blog if I told him. I’m sure he would just go: “Oh yeah? Oh well!…” And since I’m not talking “against” him here, I don’t feel guilty about it.

  338.  #338Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 6:13 am

    G0d, I have to let this go. I survived for years not having anyone to talk to about the details of my job. It felt SO WONDERFUL to have PriestCD to talk to, since he not only is a physics teacher too, but also uses the same specific methodology I do. I can survive just fine without having him to talk to. It just isn’t worth my time and energy wondering if he misses our conversations too. I can assume, I guess, that if he missed them, he would call, and since he’s not calling, he doesn’t, even though he said when he got back in touch to be friends in May that he valued our friendship and could have conversations with me that he couldn’t have with anyone else in his social circles. Apparently he has found another outlet, or just doesn’t need to talk about the unique challenges we face the way I do.

    I can survive just fine not talking about my job. I can survive just fine not talking about my job. I can survive just fine not talking about my job.

  339.  #339Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Brandylion we talk to bond with people. Talking about your job would not build romance. Wonder if you would feel open to talking about your job here or with girlfriends?

  340.  #340Tam on September 18, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Thank you forest siren..ooh, I am excited about lionman and presents..hehe…

  341.  #341Tam on September 18, 2012 at 6:21 am check into why you got angry when he moves towards you.
    I have very similar feelings when MrP moves towards me and I have isolated them as fear of intimacy or just fear. Fear that things might work out..fear of getting hurt…fear of getting rejected.
    That then does turn into anger for me too.
    It’s not the poor guys fault for rubberbanding because that’s just what he does.
    It’s up to us to accept it or move on.
    My anger is mainly with myself….and anyway, you could always let him know with a feeling message, that when you are dating you feel better to hear from a man more frequently (or something to the effect) and then see what happens..

  342.  #342Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 6:23 am

    I have a big test in a few minutes. It is a second hurdle to jump over for a career move. I feel myself feeling nervous and shaking even though I am focussing my thoughts saying I feel successful and I feel confident.

  343.  #343Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 6:24 am

    I know I can do this so I am bringing up memories of other times after I aced tests and the feeling of victory it generated.

  344.  #344Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:28 am

    FW @328,

    “Closing FB suggests you have something to hide and I suspect his emotional energy will be stuck there for a while until the secret is revealed or he gets a sense that there are no secrets. That for him will be a wall that he keeps bumping into.”

    Oh crap… What would you do? Tell him I got a friends message through FB that said such and such… Or leave it alone until he brings it up?

  345.  #345Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Or maybe I can just open it up in front of him tonight… He is supposed to show me how Itunes works tonight so that will be an occasion… What do you think?

  346.  #346Heart on September 18, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Forest.S & Tam – I feel angry – I feel like he treated me badly and I feel conflicted. I wonder if I am excusing away bad behsvior and showing him That it’s ok to leave me hanging……….
    That was so unnecessary….and it was Mean 🙁

    Thanks for the input though…Im going to think about what u guys wrote for a little bit

  347.  #347Tam on September 18, 2012 at 6:33 am

    GOOD LUCK FW, will be thinking of you!!

  348.  #348Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 6:33 am

    with the “cave” thing, i feel a little shaky and concerned when this happens. it triggered me so much even though i rationally understood what was happening i couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me he needed “me” time or something so i wouldn’t worry.
    i talked to my man about it once, when i was open and curious as to how we could both get what we need when this happens. he shared with me that he doesn’t usually even realize he’s retreated because he is stuck in his own head but he never wants to worry me and he feels guilty and mad at himself then, so it was as much a trigger for him as for me. i described it to him as “picture – no sound”. he laughed so hard and said that could be our signal to each other. he will tell me he’s picture-no sound or i will say you seem picture-no sound and we both smile and know everything is ok and i will go take care of myself. i get “rewarded” with lots of loving and sharing and tlc when he comes back for letting him do what he needed without making him feel bad about it and that feels awesome.

  349.  #349Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:34 am


    Rori talks about how it is important to keep your heart open when he does move toward you, even though you may feel a lot of anger.

  350.  #350Tam on September 18, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Heart, it’s ok to feel what you feel but he is not responsible for your feelings.
    You can, however, tell him that that is how you feel.
    I don’t see anything wrong with it.

  351.  #351Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:35 am

    FW @342,

    That feels exciting! Good luck with the test.

  352.  #352Tam on September 18, 2012 at 6:36 am

    344 – Siren Angel, I would just drop it. He has most likely forgotten, and remember – you are not even in a relationship with this man, so your fb is none of his business anyway, or is it?
    You wouldn’t check his phone and email messages either.

  353.  #353Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 6:45 am

    FW, #339: It’s not the same. I talk to my best friend, and all she can really do is commiserate and offer sympathy when things are bad or congratulate me when things go well, and she’s been doing that for far longer than I’ve known PriestCD. I don’t feel “gotten” in the same way as I did talking with him.

    But you are right that talking about that particular common interest didn’t build romance. And he doesn’t want romance with me anymore anyway. He doesn’t want *anything* with me anymore anyway. So I have to figure out how to let that go and how to go back to commiseration and congratulations being enough.

  354.  #354Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 6:45 am

    iTunes I believe could be an occasion but I would not go into damage control thinking. I would try to stick with my intuition and how his energy feels around me. I would not assume that he forgot. It depends on how he felt at the time.

  355.  #355Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Thanks. I believe in me.

  356.  #356Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:47 am


    What he said about ‘we are still moving on’ was right after he saw I had a message and I closed my FB. I feel scared and bad now…

  357.  #357Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:49 am

    But then again, he would assume it’s from another man. I simply told him I was going out one night later this week. He could assume anything.

  358.  #358Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Or… if he assumes it’s from another man… He might decide he doesnt want to loose me and actually move forward… or move back to protect his own feelings. It’s a tough one. But I don’t feel honest with him. It feels like a game. I will open the message tonight in front of him so he can see it is a female friend I had plans with.

  359.  #359forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Heart how did he hurt you? What did he do? I’m sorry I don’t totally know your story? Please do share and we will all work it out together! That’s why I’m here for the awesome support and suggestions I get.

    ((((FW))) good luck! You will ace it!

    SA here’s my take tho I’m embarrassed to admit it. I had a cd who used to come to my house use my computer and then get mad t me saying I was trying to read his email over his shoulder. He was feeling guilty and I was insecure. I used to do everything to mark him feel safe and secure. I’m not saying to play games but is it any harm if m worries a little? You want him to not take you for granted and to step up right? He knows you will date others right?

    I’m curious to know other sirens opinions I can see how this could be destructive but at the point you guys are at don’t you want him to be a little off balance?

  360.  #360Tam on September 18, 2012 at 7:02 am

    SA I agree with forest siren. I wouldn’t play games to make him jealous deliberately, but right now, he must think he has you because your vibe as much as I can feel on here is that you are trying to read his mind constantly and are afraid of doing the wrong thing because you don’t want to lose him.
    But he broke up with you, right? And he has not offered you anything, right?
    So you are a free woman in effect, and it’s up to him to try to work out a way of ‘getting you back’….you shouldn’t be thinking how to please him with your actions..I thought this is what Rori says is ‘overfunctioning’…and I dare say it’s not going to inspire him to claim you. Just my 2 cents.

  361.  #361Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I’m wondering if I have to give up on feeling “gotten” as something I want with my forever man, at least when it comes to the things that interest me, like my job and my dancing and the other things that will be a part of my life and not his. Like, I will have to settle for feeling partially gotten by other people, like I do now with my best friend vis a vis my job, and he will have to fully get me in other ways and be able to hear me in other ways.

    The only person who can get me *fully* vis a vis my job is someone like PriestCD, who not only is a physics teacher but uses Modeling Instruction too. There are only a few thousand people in the entire country who fit that bill, honestly, since only a few thousand teachers have gone through the program I did, so I won’t find that again. It felt so great to have that in my life, and I need to stop focusing on its lack.

  362.  #362Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:18 am

    MARY!!! – 295 – This happens every time I’m thinking about you. I was going to e-mail you. I miss you.

    You already know what you need to do. You’re already doing it. It’s your fear getting in the way.

    Do you really want to marry a man who will want to restrict your movements, keep you from doing things you love? If he doesn’t want to trust you, can you trust him?

    You can call me if you want to.


  363.  #363Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 7:21 am

    I feel so embarassed that it feels like every time I’m alone with a man all I want to do is cry.

    and I want to show my more playful side (I do have one, believe it or not,) but it doesn’t come out until I’ve cried first.

    I feel fear in regards to dating. I feel suspicious that no one wants to be with a woman who is just going to cry on the first date.

    I would feel completely weirded out if it were my responsibility to ask a man on a date just for fun, and he broke down crying in front of me.

  364.  #364Tam on September 18, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Oh Jeepers, the German guy in Florida is already trying to book me for a whole weekend and looking at hotels in my area…I don’t know what to say because I really don’t want to spend a whole weekend with him although he does come from the other side of Fl, so it makes no sense for him to come just for a day. Yikes.
    I don’t know, I feel panicked.

  365.  #365Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Men talk to me. They do. I use the tools, and they work to get guys to pay attention to me. but I still must have some walls up, because I feel like it’s extremely rare for men to ask me out on dates. It feels like I usually meet men when I’m on my way to somewhere else. I feel an inkling that they want me to linger, but I feel like I never have time, and yes, I also feel scared of men.

    I feel really embarassed admitting this. I want to date, and would prefer to meet men organically.

  366.  #366Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Tam and Forest Siren,

    You are right. So far, he is moving closer but not saying ‘ok, let’s make this work, I have a solution to fix this’.

    Until then, I have to stop analyzing his every whim and mood. I want to enjoy the moment and I do feel loved. And I believe he will get to the ‘let’s fix this’ but I can’t wait around for it and be concerned with how is his reading my moves.

  367.  #367Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 7:30 am


    I have to say my vibe has shifted with men in general. The day before yesterday, I was in a coffee shop and a very good looking man smiled at me, while he was at the counter and I was sitting at a table, I smiled back and he actually said ‘hello’! And I replied hello and kept on looking and smiling. And I was drinking it in. But then it was his turn to order and it was left at that.

    Yesterday, another man, but in a professional environment, started asking me about my life, where I am from… I did have a little bit of hard time there receiving as it was in a professional setting, but it was a definite interest vibe I got from him.

    Maybe i am opening up to all the possibilities.

  368.  #368Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Men stare at me a lot from a distance, and I always feel exposed, vulnerable, and embarassed when they do.

    I wish they would smile. I wish it was more natural for ME to smile when I catch them staring at me.

    When and if me and these men do end up having a conversation, I always feel SHOCKED at how nice they are.

    This feels curious to me.

    Like my subconscious has this belief that if an attractive man stares at me, he MUST be a jerk, a creep, or must have something wrong with him.

    Ouch, this feels so sad and messed up.

    I feel so sad for my little girl inside, who doesn’t trust men and expects them to be evil creeps, or insecure, or just not quality men for the simple fact that they stare ME down.

    There’s still a lot I don’t like about myself.

    Like right now, I’m at work, and I barely got any sleep last night because I was out late helping some friends for like, oh, three hours, and i didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before that because I was out late,

    and I haven’t showered, and I just feel gross.

  369.  #369Tam on September 18, 2012 at 7:30 am

    366..phew, feels better reading this SA. 🙂

  370.  #370Tam on September 18, 2012 at 7:31 am

    367 – Yay, that’s even BETTER to read SA!!
    Now we’re talking!!

  371.  #371Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Feminiewoman – 330 – YES to this. Secrets are not healthy for a relationship. They will undermine it.

    Siren Angel – If this comes up again, you can be honest without sharing everything. eg. “I participate in a woman’s support (discussion) group on line or on FB.” Or somethng like this; use your own words.


  372.  #372Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Femininewoman – wishing strength and ease, peace and openness, as you take your test. sending you love as well. I have full confidence in you.


  373.  #373Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Dominique, thank you!

    Yes, I will feel bad about this until it is cleared. I will see in the moment tonight if it feels right I will open up Lilibee’s message in front of him and just mention it, if it does feel good at that moment.

    I don’t want to overly reassure him, but I don’t want to play games with him, I never had and our relationship is not about that, we are way too connected for me to play games and I know this is something he appreciates from me. Also, I know this is something he looks out for and would likely come into ‘masculine and playing games energy’ if he was to start looking elsewhere. So it feels good to preserve what we have, our special connection and trust.

  374.  #374Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Kyla – 348 – Happy dance!!!


  375.  #375Tam on September 18, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Quite honestly, the reason why I am panicked with the German Florida guy is that he is coming on very strong and he has a small child and baby mama drama and all the rest of it. He wants to kiss me all the time but it doesn’t feel too good for me. Something is off, sadly.
    I would date him for an evening, but a whole weekend? Yikes, actually, I like to relax on the weekends also.
    I feel guilty telling him no because he was looking forward so much….I have told him it would feel better to decide spontaneously, not 3 weeks ahead…..

    And honestly, I do want to see MrP first, because he will be absolutely out of the window when he finds out I am dating other men. And I would like to at least talk to him first. I wouldn’t tell him if it was just an evening drinks or dinner with guys, I do that all the time, but if I am off for a whole weekend, he will know (because we are in touch most days when I am there) and he will be very sad and hurt….and he will imagine all sorts. Remember, when my phone was broken he thought I had cut him off and got married.

    I think I will wait until I am there for a week, to see what the situation is like.

  376.  #376Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Brandylion – Your forever man can’t be your everything man as well. This was a bit of a difficult lesson for me to swallow but well worth the acceptance of its “truth”.

    I don’t share my work with K, or rather very little of it. I don’t think he’s read anything I’ve written aside from the poems I wrote for him.

    It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s not even that he’s not interested, but in a way he isn’t interested. Most men don’t relish talking about feelings and issues, etc., and this is what my work is ALL about.

    I also don’t share my process with him aside from telling him I’m having a tough time lately; things are coming up for me.

    It’s okay to have your man for certain things and to share in parts of you and other people/women to share in the rest.


  377.  #377Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I’m remembering two particular instances, once a long time ago, and once just a few days ago.

    I’ve known my friend, M, for a really long time.

    We had a class together Freshman year, and a couple of his friends asked me what I thought about him.

    at that point, I barely knew him, so I said the most natural thing that came to mind, “I don’t know. I don’t know him very well.” Because I didn’t.

    but we ended up getting to know each other over the years.

    We got really close the year when I was grieving big time for this one guy I really loved.

    M was such a comfort to me. He made me laugh and smile and feel “normal” again.

    He’s in the military, so he would be out of town a lot.

    *This is where I’m remembering my weird pattern*

    He was in town for a wedding, and I felt really excited to see him. I love him. Not in “that way,” necessarily, but I just love who he is as a person.

    We were the only two single people at the wedding and we were just goofing off and making fun of ourselves and pretty much having the best time.

    Then, I felt like he was following me around. I felt this urgent need for space. It felt like we were too attached or something? It felt…strange. I’m not used to having someone “by my side” who is so clearly into me.

    and I felt this urgent need to rip open that bond-y feeling that I was feeling. It didn’t even feel bad necessarily, just COMPLETE FOREIGN.

    so, I remember like, ripping myself away from him, just so I could breathe or something.

    and I remember sensing that it made him feel bad.

    and I’m remembering this because it’s exactly how I felt with Mr. Stares-Me-Down last week.

    I felt this bond-y feeling, like he was really, really into me, and it felt so strange and wrong somehow, like was a little TOO into me.

    and I wanted to be like “Whoa! Slow down! I don’t even know you!”

    and it felt weird too, because he remembered me from years ago, and I didn’t remember him at all.

  378.  #378Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 7:53 am

    ug, I feel really confused and sad.

    I remember feeling that “Whoa! Slow down!” feeling with Jack CD too.

    I didn’t feel it with SeenmecryCD. but that’s probably just because he got a girlfriend before I had the chance to panic.

    also, it really bothers me that it seems like every guy that comes into my little zone seems so “marriage ready.”

    It really freaks me out!

    and I don’t feel “marriage ready.”

    I want to get to know more men before I’ll feel “marriage ready,” but I’m not letting myself get close to any men!

    I feel really angry at myself!

    but really sorry for myself too….


  379.  #379Dominique on September 18, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Tam – Can you find some Rescue Remedy (Bach Flower Remedy) or Calms Forté (homeopathic formula) there? It will help ease your anxiety before going to the dentist. Or Valerian which is what valium is made from. If you take this one, you may not want to drive.


  380.  #380Tam on September 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

    378 Thank you Dominique, I found Valerian here actually, and have been taking it, find it makes me a little tired but that just means it’s working!! 🙂

    The other thing, my immune system (unsurprisingly) is totally up the shoot, I had a cold and now it is coming back and kind of developing into a sinus infection and I really don’t want antibiotics… I know it’s mostly because my body/soul/brain have been fighting these 5 months I was stuck here and I don’t seem to get them into a good condition (hair falling out etc.), even with healthy food.
    I am hoping that once I am in Florida the sun/climate will help my immune system back on track…it sucks feeling sick on a low level, but constantly…

  381.  #381Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 8:17 am

    i’m feeling such low, heavy, dull energy lately
    feels like walking under water
    doesn’t feel bad just slow.. slow movement, slow thoughts, slow memory
    i feel sleepy and stretchy and want to save my energy
    this is a cycle for me in the last few years, things are moving so fast, everything i want is coming to me at hyper speed and its exhilarating but overwhelming at times too
    every single aspect of my life has changed for the better in the last 3 years
    -an “incurable” progressive disease is totally symptom free to the disbelief of my neurologist who i stopped attending 2 years ago
    -i’m back in my home country against all odds
    -i have the relationship i want 🙂
    -i have a new career that just kind of fell in to my lap and i’m progressing at lightening speed, its not even a career i thought i would have liked!
    -i’m earning 3 times the money i asked for
    -my abusive ex has mostly disappeared and the only contact now is polite
    -most of my old friends have poofed leaving room for the wonderful new people in my life
    -i’m not the door mat anymore, people offer to help me now!
    -i’m living in the perfect home, perfect area for my family and yet its not where i thought i wanted to be
    -my chronic physical aches and pains have slowly released and can i move with ease
    -my eye sight has improved and my prescription is lower!
    still this the slowness bothers me as it can last days or weeks, i feel held back and at the same time relieved too that i am being forced to take a moment to breathe, be and be grateful.
    i’ve taken vacation leave while the kids are with their dad and my man is home with a family matter. i planned on doing so much with my time and it is slipping away from me yet for some reason i just don’t care.

  382.  #382Annie on September 18, 2012 at 8:51 am

    330: Femininewoman says:

    I” dunno I feel triggered thinking about secrets in relationships. I always hate it when a man goes off in his cave because he is trying to resolve something without letting me know. It was a major fault line with my last fiance.”

    I agree. I feel curious how would be the best way for it not to be a secret without him then spying.
    As I am sure most of us on here would not want our men reading this.
    It’s a bit like someone reading your diary without your knowledge.

    What you you think?

  383.  #383ruth on September 18, 2012 at 8:54 am

    ooh Dominique that feels hard to accept

  384.  #384ruth on September 18, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Siren Angel, it feels good to read that your focus is shifting back towards you

    Wishing you al the bst FW

    Tam, all these men, and so little time;)

  385.  #385bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 9:00 am


  386.  #386ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:02 am

    lama butterfly

    if you arent yet marriage ready, them you arent
    that is not necessarily a bad thing at all

    Just means you get to work out what you do want and hopefully have some fun on the way

    Kyla, I reckon your slow down is your body protecting itself and asking for rest

  387.  #387bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 9:03 am


    i have told my partner about the blog. i have explained in general terms how it functions & i have shared how i feel about it. he tells me he would never look to see & has no more desire to read it than my journals. i leave my journals out & my computer open with this site up. i feel good doing this & i feel good that he respects my space : )

  388.  #388bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 9:06 am

    sometimes he will ask me “what’s going on with the blog” & i will share with him some things that i’m feeling, since i do often find my emotions influenced by the conversations here. i find it’s also a very neutral way to bring up my triggers with him…

  389.  #389Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 9:11 am

    ruth i wonder would it feel better to you to rephrase it? how would it feel to have a man who loves and cares for you and supports you in your work without having to actually understanding it?
    this is what its like with R. he is interested in my enthusiasm, stress, success and failures and he has my back, he supports me in every way yet although i share my feelings around work i dont so much share the details, they aren’t that interesting to him but my passion around it is. its my work, its all for me and he has his own. i can share the details of work with colleagues or friends in similar fields.
    you can have it all but sometimes it doesn’t show up the way you expected. stay open, curious and surprised 🙂

  390.  #390Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 9:12 am

    thank you for the hugs bloom-ing 🙂

    thank you ruth, that feels so true 🙂

  391.  #391Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 9:14 am

    I would feel mixed emotions, internal conflict, if M ever found out about this blog. So much I have shared here about my deepest feelings and my ‘riffing’ through some of the darkest and also most beautiful emotions. Then again, everything here I have shared with him in some form or another, about my feelings and our evolution in our relationship. If he ever found out, maybe I would feel ‘bared’ but I already bare myself to him… Just that it is different here because it is to other women in similar situations. Part of me wants to unveil my deepest truth and some times childish rants. Part of me is feeling a little scared about what he would think of all of it.

  392.  #392Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

    383, Ruth, haha, I wish. I just wish the guys would be content with a dinner/drinks first, I mean what’s wrong with that?
    The German guy is looking to seal the deal, I suspect he is feeling a bit nostalgic out on a limb in Florida but I’d much rather have a Brit or American, it’s just I am so fed up with that whiny German mentality (sorry if this offends), but Germans abroad suffer from the ‘everything is better in Germany’ virus, and believe me – nothing is better in Germany except the cars (haha).
    I am so tired of hearing it, especially since I FLED aged 19. So just the thought of spending a whole weekend listening to all that..and the baby and baby mama drama..urgh. All the while I could be drinking Mojitos off MrP’s boat, provided he still has them, and provided he books me. If he has sold the boats I might go for a weekend with the German. Or indeed with HarleyCD who wants to take me to Key West for a weekend…but again, a little too much, a whole weekend with a pretty crazy guy…but the Harley does help.
    This sounds cruel, I know, but I really want to try a new game here.
    The game shall be ‘what’s in it for Tam’.
    I was a bad overfunctioner, and always wanted to pay and help and so on. And I did. And it got me nowhere fast, or slow….Ladies, I used to split the mortgage and bills 50/50 with my Ex who was a director of a company and made more than 4x my wages…at the time I had a meagre Museums wage, and simply nothing left at the end of the month. And I used to pay for more grocery shopping too. DUH!!!!
    I thought I was all independent doing that, and I can count the amount he took me out for dinners on one hand (during 5 years). I cooked every night, I cleaned every week (he was always working). Not saying that he was a bad guy, I just spoilt him.
    We split up and tadaaaaaaa…his new gf never lifted a finger, she didn’t even work, she just moved into my ex house (which I found and we both renovated), and played pretty princess and he sponsored her 100%. She painted nice pictures, I think…haha.

    Not that it bothers me anymore but goes to show that the non-Rori way did not work for me. I was overfunctioning Queen and he furthered his career while I was scrubbing floors…HMMMMMM!!!!
    That’s how it goes.

    So I am trying to shift my vibe now and really just think about what’s in it for me, initially anyway.
    I am not used to it and it’s a case of trying something different, because what I did before obviously did not work very well!!

  393.  #393Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

    oh well… I love all my parts. I suppose he might too.

  394.  #394ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Kyla .thank you
    Put that way it feels much more comforting and warm

  395.  #395Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Annie @381,

    I would hope the man would tell about ‘finding out’ about the blog. I have dangerously but discreetly been on the blog in his presence as I almost always bring my laptop to his place.

  396.  #396Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I feel “almost ready for marriage,” if that makes sense. I just want to date a lot of men first, to make sure I’m getting the absolute best!

  397.  #397ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Tam, thats not cruel at all
    It be the Rori way!

    I dont like the sound of the german guy,but feel intrigued by harley CD

    It sounds like you are in for a fun time, I feel excited for you

  398.  #398Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:21 am

    @386 ruth – and ruth, thank you so much for your feedback. it felt like a nice pat on the back. it felt reassuring.

    I really wanted someone’s feedback! 🙂

    sometimes, I feel incredibly selfish on the blog. sometimes, I feel invisible on the blog, because I know that I am not offering feedback.

    (I love offering “help” if I feel like I CAN help, but so often, I don’t feel like I have anything to say that will help.)

  399.  #399MissStix on September 18, 2012 at 9:22 am

    On break so only a short time to write a quick response..,


    Thank you so very much for your insights! Yes…It feel a lot like that. Closed, open, closed, open. Sigh.

    But it has been discussed now and he was very understanding about it. He has a “shaky” up-bringing (dad passed when he was 8, step dad kicked him out at 17 etc) and he says he struggles with expressing himself constructively, but is more than willing to try.

    I don’t see it as abusive- there was no blame or cutting me down. Just yelling. He yelled a LOT about work., how tired he is, and how frustrating it is. Which is really the underlying issue causing his anger.

    There is so so much for me to process right now. I am looking at it, now, as an opportunity to express myself, and lean back. I have stopped dropping him off/picking him up from work, and I will spend MUCH more time at home. Not in an effort to punish him, but to draw him closer in a different way. As if to say “Hey, you struggle with work, but it’s your struggle. Not mine. I’m here if you need me, but i’m drawing back until we can do this constructively.”

    Gotta go back to work. Thanks again.

  400.  #400Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Does anyone else feel like crying when they are alone on a date with a man?

    I feel like a freak. :/ It feels really embarassing.

  401.  #401Goddess Lily on September 18, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Work really gets in the way of reading the blog! Lol

  402.  #402Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:26 am

    This feels curious too. Everytime I let myself cry in front of someone, I almost always laugh as well. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism?

    but I’ll say things like, “I can’t believe I’m crying right now” through laughter.

    Laughter and tears so often go hand in hand for me.

    Like, when I found out the man I was in love with (please don’t judge me, make fun of me, or assume that you know the whole story, because you don’t) was engaged) I cried and laughed so hard simultaneously, right there in church.

  403.  #403Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 9:29 am

    lamabutterfly – why not add “what do you think?” or something similar to invite comments or feedback?

    some people use this blog for processing and don’t so much look for input. i used to feel so invisible here too! maybe its a trigger to work on?

    ((big warm hugs))

  404.  #404ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Lama, I often read and dont comment as I feel helpless sometims and lacking in the skills of the rori tools and FM

    Kyla, hmmmm.yes, That feels -interesting to read.It feels difficult and troubling to let go of the expectation that ones “perfect soul mate” would be someone you could share everything with

    But yes, let go of expectation and be surprised by what shows up.Yes.I feel curious to roll that one round in my head for a while
    I guess if you are whole and healed in yourself then maybne you might not need to share so much, or even might not require so much support from others

    Now that doesnt feel quite right

    Hm, maybe.Might not require so much support from others but accepts it graciously when it is offered?

    No, still not quite right
    My head feels woolly after today and i ned more processing time
    This whole concet feels very challenging to me and i fel triggered as I have never really had suport for my work stress and have developed my won coping strategies withough him but i do feel resentful about that


    Oh, stuff to work on all right

  405.  #405Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 9:32 am

    crying is simply emotional release sink into the feelings and be gentle with yourself, the laughter is probably out of embarrassment but it also a form of emotional release!

  406.  #406Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:32 am

    396 Thank you Ruth!

    Ah, the German guy is alright really, he is one of those good men to be honest, who has his woman on a pedestal, just that he isn’t my cup of tea basically. Not his fault, bless him 😉

  407.  #407bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 9:32 am


    i hear you saying you feel selfish, but it feels helpful to me to read what you share. just understanding more about myself & about others feels really comforting & warm. i hear myself in what you say & what others say & it feels so interesting to hear my own feelings expressed in words that i would not necessarily choose…. mm feels light & intriguing : )

    i cry a lot. i’m also just a bit….. emotional ? so i’ve definitely gotten all kinds of “weird” on dates… it feels very raw to see a man so vulnerable & to be so vulnerable yourself as to say “i’m available, i’m interested in you, & i’m attuned to this present moment” terrifying eeek sheer cold fear. so i do feel you on that… i think it’s ok to cry. rori talks about how she can just sit & feel cr8zy emotions across the table from her husband & then choose something to share & choose her words. i intend to develop that & grow that way : )) yum sounds fun & good & connected, to myself & to my partner & to the world… : )

  408.  #408Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:36 am

    @401 Goddess Lily – I know, right? I feel smiley reading that. I feel like a lot of my issues come up at work, I suppose because of the type of work it is.

    A lot of quick phone conversations. A lot of familiar-sounding voices that trigger memories of men in the past.

    A lot of jumbled thinking and feeling time. A lot of space. A lot of memories.

    Blogging at work helps me keep it together emotionally here, sometimes I think!

  409.  #409ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Tears can accompany so many different feelings
    A few weeks ago on the blog i was moved to tears for a good two hours
    it was like a pouring out of emotion and i didnt even know what I was feeling(I still dont)

    I think on the whole though that crying is good.It usually feels like a release, though other people can react badly to it

    Lots of my patients cry in front of me, and it makes me feel like I want to fix them(i cant)

    Then I have to shut right up and try not to cover up my own discomfort by talking, or trying to offer words of comfort
    I might lightly touch them, thats all

    Then wait for them to speak

    its not easy.Tears evoke very powrful feelings

  410.  #410Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Dominique, #375: So how do you decide which parts of you your man gets and which parts he doesn’t? Or is there not really a conscious decision, and it just develops organically as the relationship grows?

    I don’t know, I just feel really sad not being able to talk about physics, the thing I do for a living, with my man, since that is what I will be spending 90% of the time I’m apart from him doing.

  411.  #411Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

    I have cried on dates too, when we saw Dolphins. I just got overwhelmed with love and happiness and the weather was amazing and then Dolphins bopping up and down.
    I was totally overcome with emotion.
    And total silence in that moment.
    I’ll never forget it.

    Actually, I find tears come easier these days, not sure that’s a good or bad thing but I like to see it as a good thing.

    I also felt angry on dates before..I have all sorts of weird and wonderful feelings on dates actually though haven’t really very often shared them except for the crying, that’s a bit obvious.
    Hm. Lots to think about.

  412.  #412Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:42 am

    @403 Kyla – thank you so much! I feel heard. and I feel a little silly too. Like, oh duh, just ask. (I feel like that is my problem with men a lot of times too.)

    I like that suggestion, but “what do you think?” is something I prefer to ask men.

    Since we women are the feelers and the men are the thinkers, I can share my feminine feelings and then have a man shed some light on the logistics of things.

    I always joke that I need a practical man to bring my swirly feelings and ideas back to earth. 🙂

    Maybe, “how do you all feel about that?” would work better in this community of women.

    Feels curious…

    Thank you, Kyla!

  413.  #413forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Hi lamabutterfly you are reminding me of one of the dirt dates I went in with Lionman ten years ago he said to me u look like you are about to cry … And I was I think it was some weird premonition of the depth of feeling I have experienced with him and through him I had never experienced that before.

    Oh tam I so get where you are at I too struggle with not wanting to hurt Lionman and yet … I want him to step up all the way. I think it would be fun to swap phone numbers and call when u get here

  414.  #414forest siren on September 18, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Lol first dates not dirt dates omg blushing

  415.  #415ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:46 am


    I should not have typed that
    I feel like there is a huge dark beachball in my chest, quashing my chest and my throat feels constricted
    I feel sick and panicky

    BIG trigger
    Deep breath, it wil pass

    Whew these emotions feel so overwhelming and unpredictable

  416.  #416Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Brandylion, who’s to say you can’t share that with your man? Perhaps I have been lucky but I always had partners that were very much interested in my passions and my work and actually asked questions about it too.
    So if that is something that is very important to you, then you know what to look for in a man also.
    Yes, nobody can have all the attributes that we want, but it’s a case of finding what is important to you.

    For example, I used to think that a man who is very good in bed was very important….and now I think when there is intimacy and development, the fact that you can grow together as a couple in that area too – it’s not the most important thing for me anymore as long as my partner shows a willingness to learn and be open, and me too of course.

    It just depends where your priorities are. Of course a man can’t always be as empathic or into talking about feelings as perhaps our girlfriends would be, but for me too it is paramount that I can talk about my passions to a man – else what’s the point? I don’t want a card board cut out, then I can talk to a wall instead!

    You go girl!

  417.  #417Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:47 am

    @405 Kyla – this feels very true and I feel happy reading it!

    @407 blooming – awww, I feel so happy reading that. thank you. I love reading you and find your thoughts and feelings fascinating! seriously.

    I feel shy asking, but have you changed your name on here? I feel like I recognize your “voice” but I haven’t seen “the old name” in quite some time…

  418.  #418Radlove on September 18, 2012 at 9:47 am

    “I opened the mouth of love and found a wisdom tooth.” ~ Larry Norman

  419.  #419Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:48 am

    412 – forest siren, that would be a great idea!!!! I’d love that….

  420.  #420Radlove on September 18, 2012 at 9:49 am


    414 – “I feel like there is a huge dark beachball in my chest, quashing my chest and my throat feels constricted
    I feel sick and panicky”

    May not be a pleasant feeling, but this is a powerfully written feeling message.

  421.  #421Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

    412 – yeah, actually even if we end up really not dating at all, I know it would hurt him to know I was dating someone else, so I would not rub it in his face.
    He is actually a real softie underneath the exterior.
    I don’t see the point in hurting people, if I can help it.

    I once tried the ‘I am going to date others if you don’t want me’ routine and he just ran, he was very hurt. And then he told me I was not ‘having his back’ during what was a difficult time for him, and now I cringe when I think about it. I should have thought it and not said anything at that time. I know better now.

  422.  #422Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

    @ 409 ruth – aww, ruth. I bet your patients feel comfortable enough to cry in front of you, and that’s saying something. I can’t cry in front of someone unless I feel safe with them. well, or if I can’t hold it in.

    @ 415 ruth – what do you regret typing? what’s triggering you? ((((ruth))))

  423.  #423Tam on September 18, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Radlove, don’t you start talking about teeth, I had just forgotten briefly about my pending dentist app.
    Pffffff. 😉

  424.  #424Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 9:53 am

    lol, now I feel overwhelmed with feedback. Thank you, wonderful sirens!

    still responding, lol. It feels nice to get so much feedback.

  425.  #425bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 9:54 am

    iamabutterfly, i used to be lk : )

  426.  #426Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I had a very interesting conversation with M several days ago, before we really started getting close again… I know this will hit some buttons. But I have noticed men sometimes tend to believe THIS:

    That a mid-40’s to 50’s man, without a very high income and with big alimony/child support payments and not perticularly good looking (maybe even a little geekish) somehow thinks that when he goes out into the world he will find a very attractive woman in her mid-30’s who will accept him and his 3 kids and the ex and the alimony paymentsr…

    What do you all think of this???

  427.  #427ruth on September 18, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Thank you radlove xx
    It was a Bl@@dy powerful feeling

    I seem to be rather good at triggering myself.Not vey good when I have to do a bit of a long drive right now

    I fel exhausted now

  428.  #428Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Ruth, #382: I agree. (See my follow-up question to Dominique)

    I guess I liked so much what I did have with PriestCD that I can’t imagine another relationship where I don’t have those things. But I guess each relationship is different and each man will bring different things to the table, so I guess I have to put even more time and effort into figuring out what are the things he must have (I already have quite the list of good qualities I won’t compromise on, like kindness and compassion and inquisitiveness) and then take any man who shows up with those qualities, even if I don’t like the rest of what he offers.

  429.  #429Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Following my last post… I feel triggered M thinks that would happen if he put himself back on the market…

  430.  #430ruth on September 18, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Lama I just triggered myself talking about my patients

    You would think that after 22 years in this game, Id been a bit more hard nosed about it all

    Though i dont really mean that

    I feel happy to be a *feeling* doctor

  431.  #431Belle on September 18, 2012 at 10:00 am

    It’s a sweet soft quiet cool day here.
    I’ve spent a lot of yummy time in quiet contemplation.
    I may have been mistaken in coming to a conclusion about T so I’m retracting it.
    It’s all open and they are all CD’s until somebody puts a ring on my finger.
    I’m feeling how GOOD it would feel to be married!
    It feels easy, it feels true, it feels like home, it feels like heart, it feels natural, it feels like breathing, it feels like adventure, it feels innocent and playful, it feels solid, enduring, it feels deep and wide and expansive and it feels sure, it feels steady, it feels like warm apple pie.


  432.  #432Radlove on September 18, 2012 at 10:02 am


    401 – I cry easily, too. Along with Rori’s talk about unzipping my heart, I just do my best to unzip it and let the tears fly. It feels embarrassing, but I remind myself that that is only cultural conditioning.

    Just like there is nothing wrong with saying, “That feels awful!”, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad or emotional in some way to bring tears. There is nothing wrong with it!

    I cried during my Mom’s recent meeting with the nursing home administrators. There was no apparent reason. It’s just that I love her so much, I felt sad that she was sad and lonely living there, and I felt sad that she is declining and not the sharp lady she used to be. I just lightly said “Please excuse me”, while I continued to wipe my tears thru most of the meeting and shudder now and then.

    I think the acceptance of our feelings makes us feel safe to others. I noticed more compassion thru this meeting than I have ever seen at other meetings. Matter of fact, since she’s been back at the nursing home, she said she has been treated like a queen! And she has decided to stay there afterall!

  433.  #433Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @413 Forest Siren – aww, I feel very connected to you, and I feel happy that I could help you remember your first date with someone special. 🙂

  434.  #434ruth on September 18, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I do feel curious about Kylas comments though

    “you can have it all but sometimes it doesn’t show up the way you expected. stay open, curious and surprised”

    It really feels intriguing to me to maybe try this perspective rather than stick to thoe perfectionist and perhaps rigid ideas I had before

    Im am *not* saying to settle for less or compromise boundaries, but, hm.Can I stay open?

  435.  #435Starla on September 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    avoiding overfunctioning and actively leaning back isn’t just for the sake of building attraction. It’s for ME too, because otherwise I fail to notice all the wonderful things a man is doing/saying to me, and instead I feel like I’m being sold short.

    So. Leaning back 100% with WarriorCD starting now. Doing more of “hey i feel happy to hear from you today:)” and less texting first.

    The thing is, leaning forward isn’t killing his attraction to me. I am in rockstar mode so nothing I do can be wrong. BUT it’s making me feel blind to his own leaning forward. I find myself feeling like he doesn’t appreciate me. But when I sat down to really consider this (because I should dump any man who doesn’t appreciate me), I realized that he does, but I’m not giving it space for ME to notice.

    And it feels good to learn and observe this.

  436.  #436Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Siren Angel men tend to have a grass is greener mentality when thinking about relationships. I guess that is the reason why they are more thorough in their selections and always have an open out looking until they have that gut feeling.

  437.  #437ruth on September 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    aw radlove
    I feel a little sad reading about you mom ‘s decision
    But hapy that she is getting good care

  438.  #438Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    @432 Radlove – aw, I feel connected to you. Whenever I think of my mother’s pain, it makes me feel such over-whelming sorrow I can barely handle it.

  439.  #439BAB on September 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Reached out and initiated for the first time in a week or so to my man, (in a fun flirtatious, unpredictable way) feeling a LOT nervous and unsure that this was not a wrong move. ???

  440.  #440ruth on September 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Righty ho
    Time to skedaddle
    later Sirens!

  441.  #441Radlove on September 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

    ((( Tam ))),

    422 – Dentist appointments are hard for me, too. One of the best dentists I ever had said to make myself like a piece of limp spaghetti in the chair. It helped. Since then, I’ve carried the visualization further, and I close my eyes and imagine I’m in a beautiful ocean scene and what I see and what I am doing with my lover. I keep that forefront during the appointment, tuning out what’s going on in my mouth. It helps a lot.

    Which is another reason I like Rori’s programs so much – her visualizations are powerful.

  442.  #442CurvySiren10 on September 18, 2012 at 10:08 am

    I feel very triggered by talk of how men aren’t interested in discussing feelings, are not empathetic or wouldn’t be interested in us sharing our work/passions with them. This has not been my experience at all and I feel resistant and agitated by the generalizations being made about this.

  443.  #443Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:08 am

    I would love to hear your thoughts on post 425. It bothers me that he is so confident, past mid-40`s, grey hair and balding, yes good profession but not very high income and high alimony payments and child support payments + 3 very rowdy kids, that he thinks he would find a young chickie in her mid-30’s if he tried.

    What would YOU think of a Cd like that?

  444.  #444Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Annie I have thought about what you had shared about a man discussing intimate details about his ex wife on a forum. I remembered how several people were triggered when the shoe was on the other foot. Now looking at how people react about men reading what was written here really brings up some cognitive dissonance for me. I wonder when we talk about being authentic, how authentic can we be and how much information can we share about every part of our lives when in a relationship? Wondering if men shutting down their emotions at times is in an effort to be kind to us?

  445.  #445Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 10:13 am

    siren angel i would awful if my man or any man i was involved with believed and voiced those things and i believe i would warmly wish him all the best and move on.

  446.  #446Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Siren Angel mine is in 435

  447.  #447Starla on September 18, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Like, I thought to myself “Warrior probably wouldn’t go out of his way to support me in my activist work.. he doesn’t seem at all impressed or interested.” But I had asked him to please sign this online petition that was being delivered to a legislator about a case that’s important to me, and he did it, because I asked. But the thing is, I looked on his FB page a few days later and noticed that he also posted it on his wall for his friends to all see and sign, too.

    I can get so busy looking for short comings that i’m not noticing the positives. And then to make matters worse, i’m creating too much white noise with leaning forward/overfunctioning to notice the positives.

    Another example: I was thinking to myself “Warrior never compliments me,” but I haven’t noticed/registered/received the fact that he is constantly kissing me — my face, my shoulders, my legs — just little innocent kisses of appreciation and affection.

  448.  #448Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

    FW @435,

    I understand about the gut feeling. I am just surprised they somehow think they will get a hot chickie as i by magic.

    I also feel insulted as I am 43 but look much younger, fit, and have been told I am very beautiful. I should be one in a million for him. This really bothers me. He`s not putting himself out there, but that he thinks he could get `younger’ really makes me feel awful.

  449.  #449bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 10:16 am

    i don’t know, siren angel. you are the one who knows him & i hear you saying he is not very impressive.

  450.  #450Femininewoman on September 18, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Kyla I would hope that I could warmly wish him all the best in his search. That was him sharing a fantasy, which most times is so far removed from reality. Maybe wishing him the best and really going out a living your life while he wallows in his loneliness fantasizing about those young girls could really make you attractive. Not many young girls would have anything in common with him and he would likely eventually feel insecure wondering what she sees in him. Maybe only wanting to get what he has.

  451.  #451Tereana on September 18, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Lillibee (83) – what you wrote about controlling and “getting the last word” really made me think of something that’s been onyond recently.

    When I was little, I remember my patents fighting a lot, and there was always this theme of my dad accusing my mom of always trying to get the last word in. To which she would always have some sort of response, thereby getting the “last word.” and proving him right. He was right, of course. Almost so much so that it was humorous. Or it would have been if it wasn’t so painful to watch. Even as a little kid, I wished my mom would have the strength to just shut up and walk away from the conversation and end the fighting. But she never did.

    I vowed to myself not to be like that as an adult. But I think I’ve somewhat become like that anyway. I notice when I always have a response to a text or email. I feel uncomfortable letting it go without a response. I feel like I “should” respond. But in the end, I feel stuck in that, too. I usually would feel more powerful if I didn’t.

    But I think the power of that actually scares me. In some ways, I might actually want to give up the power, because it feels so strong. It’s uncomfortable.

    So I guess, letting go and not getting the last word in is about being comfortable with my own power…

  452.  #452Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

    @425 bloom-ing – ha, I knew it! I love it!

  453.  #453Radlove on September 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Iamabutterfly and Ruth,

    436 – 437 – Thanks, she is choosing to look at it as an opportunity to work on her health while she brings encouragement and inspiration to the other residents. And I’m going to try to visit her more.

  454.  #454Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Bloom-ing @449,

    You mean by the way I talk about him he is not very impressive?

    I feel very triggered about the younger woman thing. Although I have attracted younger men in the past and I honestly believe M would come back running if he put himself out there. I still feel triggered. It does not feel good to know your man thinks he could get `younger`although that was not exactly the way he said it. It was more like me bringing up how men pas their 40`s on dating sites look for women in an age range that is low, ie 30 to 40, when they themselves are pas 40`s and 50`s… What are these men thinking? And then I was shocked to hear he thinks the same way!

  455.  #455Tam on September 18, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Thank you Radlove, I shall try to be Spaghetti, as normally I am as rigid as a skateboard…

    Curvy, actually, I always shared everything with my men and found them totally interesred, offering advice and asking questions….feelings I did not hear so much, but that really doesn’t bother me. But it is important that a man has an interest in what I do, and I find him interesting and want to know more about what he does. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I couldn’t be with someone whom I felt was not interested and not listening. I had that experience and it was awful, I just felt like a number, easy to replace. Never again.

  456.  #456Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 10:23 am

    yes femininewoman i agree although if a man is sharing his feelings about other woman i really don’t believe i would care too much if he was lonely i thought i was more attractive after i moved on with my wonderful life i would just feel turned off by his comments and turn my attention to better feeling men 🙂

    btw i hope you did wonderfully in your test today!

  457.  #457bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 10:27 am

    honestly this is pretty amazing

    i recommend reading it all the way through : )

  458.  #458Brandylion on September 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

    CurvySiren, I for one am not talking about not sharing *passions* with my man. I’m talking not being able to talk *physics*, the specific nitty-gritty of what I teach, with my man, and the nuts-and-bolts of teaching physics. I see them as distinct things, because I can easily convey what I *feel* about my job to a man, and that to me is sharing my passion. But I see talking about, “I’m really struggling to get my students to get such-and-such concept, and I feel frustrated and I’ve exhausted my teaching tools,” as talking physics.

    I feel so foolish right now, thinking that I should be able to treat my man like a coworker, except that none of my coworkers teach physics using the specific methodology I do. I can’t talk about it with them. My department chair, who is also a physics teacher, told me at the start of this year that if Modeling Instruction is something I really want to do, they can help me find another school at which to do it because my teaching isn’t a good fit for this school.

    I do not have a work environment in which I have colleagues with whom to talk about what I do. My best friend doesn’t really get what I do either and often says things to me about my work that are just completely wrong and I don’t feel heard. The only person I’ve ever been able to talk to, in detail, about what I do was PriestCD, and the reason we could connect on that is that he does it too. There is an email list for teachers using Modeling Instruction, but I don’t feel comfortable airing everything and asking every question on there because it’s not anonymous and if I gripe about my school, it can be found publicly and traced back to me with zero effort. I felt comfortable talking about those things with him because they were private conversations. I felt supported by him in a way that no one else in my life has ever been able to support me, and I feel…despair…that I won’t have that kind of support again.

  459.  #459Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

    ok… so maybe M is becoming more and more unattractive to me by the day.

    It will help me put him on the back of my horse. Or simply let go and move on.

    But I do feel curious… Does a 30 year old really interest in a mid-40s with 3 rowdy kids and no `money`?

  460.  #460Tam on September 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Siren Angel, I would not date your M based on past experience.
    I hear all the time from men around 50 that they are looking for a woman in her 30’s or even 20’s. I say: good luck.
    I don’t get it either, as if there is an expiration date.
    I liked about my ex that he said he’d have preferred a woman his age….yet he goes and changes his online profile to first make himself younger, and then stating that he only wants to be contacted by younger women.
    I don’t get it.
    I find it a little sad.

  461.  #461Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Kyla @456,

    Are you refering to what I shared about younger women, or did you share a similar story? simply feeling a little confused…

  462.  #462CurvySiren10 on September 18, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Thanks Tam. I feel triggered by stereotyping I guess. My man is talker, is always curious about how I feel, what I think, what matters to me…I feel turned off thinking about being with a man who was disconnected from all of that and I don’t feel good hearing generalizations about how “all men” are on here, or anywhere.

    Siren Angel, I would feel concerned about a man who talked to me about attracting younger women for several reasons. The main one being concerned regarding the “shallow” nature of what that would say about a person. That would feel icky to me and I could definitely see it being a trigger toward resentment.

    FW, good luck on your exam!!

  463.  #463Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:31 am

    @443 Siren Angel – I don’t know what to think of a CD like that. Really and truly.

    “but not very high income and high alimony payments and child support payments + 3 very rowdy kids.”

    that statement right there wouldn’t be enough to turn me off, if he was a great guy otherwise.

    I can’t be sure, but it feels like several things are going on here:

    a. you think you’re too good for him
    b. you DON’T think you’re good enough for him, and so you’re trying to make him look worse so you feel better about your own insecurities
    c. you feel scared out of your mind of intimacy, and so it makes you feel safer to make him look bad so that you don’t have to deal with those scary “getting too close to me” feelings.

    I definitely used to feel terrified when men would want to get close to me. So I would find every fault I could possibly find with them: not enough $, too bald, too fat, too skinny, not affectionate enough, TOO affectionate, anything I could think up to make him look BAD so that I didn’t have to deal with feelings of CLOSENESS.

    either that, or I was the one who really didn’t feel good enough. so instead of working on what I didn’t like about myself, I looked outside of myself and picked apart the men who were interested in me, because there must be something wrong with THEM, if they are interested in MESSED UP ME.

    How do you feel about that, Siren Angel?

    ((((Siren Angel)))

    I feel like I was really tough with you.
    I was really being tough with myself…

  464.  #464Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:31 am


    I know the feeling… The first times we broke up, M would repost a profile and look for women from 30 or 35… to my own age as limit! It felt awful.

    But I feel curious that men actually believe they will get this… It really triggers me.

  465.  #465Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

    my apologies siren angel, my comments were in response to your experience with M. i have had many similar experiences where a man i was involved with made me fell ‘less than’ and i have wished them luck in finding their happiness and moved on to find mine. it really depends on your own feelings i guess. these are just mine 🙂

  466.  #466Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Siren Angel – the fact that you want other sirens who don’t know him to support you in your criticisms of him makes me feel as though my suspicions might be right on.

  467.  #467CurvySiren10 on September 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Brandylion, I’m sorry you are feeling despair about losing that support/understanding with PriestCD. I can really understand why after reading your explanation. That was a unique “bond” you two shared and I can definitely see how it would feel like a huge loss. HUGS to you…

    Siren Angel, again- the word “shallow” comes to mind for me. Not just about men who seek “younger” women but also toward a woman who would judge a man based on the amount of money he has, how many kids (rowdy or not) etc. I feel resistant to those things as a basis for judging someone’s “worthiness” or “desirability” in a relationship I guess. There is an air of arrogance to me looking at it from either angle. Guess that’s my “stuff” to look at ….

  468.  #468Starla on September 18, 2012 at 10:38 am

    i’ve personally always thought SA could do better than M, but I realize that’s a b*tchy thing for me to say

    but i’m puttin it out there.

  469.  #469Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:39 am


    Actually, I always thought of myself being `top catch` and `prime’ for a man like M.

    He does say continuously how attracted he is too me so that is not the problem.

    The problem I have is with the DELUSION these men have that they will find a hot chickie by snapping their fingers, whilst not being the CEO of a company, but a psychologist on a gvt psychologist salary and with the whole ex package and kids to boot. I am stricken by the shock of their belief that they can get a new younger woman and their delusion of how it will be.

    The only thing I feel bad about (insecurities) is the thing with the kids, that they don`t like me enough. but that he somehow thinks that if he put himself out there he would find a younger version of me AND who his kids would love, well that thought really triggers me… It actually makes me want to send him off looking…

  470.  #470Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

    LOL Starla!

    I luv you.

  471.  #471Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

    460: Tam – I feel very curious about this. I’m in my late twenties, and have always kind of felt a strong attraction to much older men.

    I feel like they see my value more than younger men do.

    I also feel like they are more emotionally and financially capable of “taking care of me” than younger men.

    I want to be taken care of.

    With younger men a lot of times, I feel like I have to take care of them, at least emotionally.

    I hate that!

    though I do love the playfulness of younger men, and how they seem awe-struck by me, like I’m a goddess.

  472.  #472Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:42 am


    I am simply `put off`by the belief some men, including M, have of being able to find a younger chick with whom everything would be dandy, by snapping their fingers.

    It feels Peter-panish to me.

  473.  #473Starla on September 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    luv you too SA, and I’m dead serious. I always wondered how that guy got you hooked in, when you’re so freakin beautiful and sweet-natured.

  474.  #474Kyla on September 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    siren angel, my original comment to you was 445 and the next one was in response to femininewoman 🙂

    out of curiousity, does it feel good spending so much time questioning M’s motives, thoughts, feelings, actions? would it feel better to sink into your feelings and move towards the things that make you feel good and let M be who he is and just notice how you feel when you are in contact? if he’s not in front of you he doesn’t exist 🙂

    ((big warm hugs))

  475.  #475Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I was “rushing away” one time, like I always do when I feel exposed and unsure of what to do with myself, when a much older man who knew me fairly well, gently, but firmly grabbed me by the elbow.

    He looked into my eyes and said, “You are absolutely beautiful. Inside and out.”

    I felt really shocked and moved by that.

    I also had an instance where I could feel SOMEONE MY DAD’S age having a powerful attraction towards me.

    I could tell it was really powerful, because he started talking himself out of it right in front of me. He just started saying quietly “You’re so young, though. I’m old enough to be your father.”

    I felt really weird about that, but kind of amazed by it too.

  476.  #476Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:46 am


    I agree with the shallowness of it, and I personally don’t look at all these `things and circumstances` when looking for love. Otherwise, I never would have been with M to start with.

    However, it does feel terrible to know a man believes he will find a young woman easily when his circumstances, looks and financial situation are not ideal or in control. It feels arrogant on his part.

  477.  #477Gemini on September 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Greetings lovely sirens 🙂

    Question for the masses: How do you respond to a guy who says he likes assertive women and he doesn’t chase after anyone? I’m thinking hmmm…I don’t chase either, so sayonara sucka!! lol 🙂

    Also, if you haven’t read ‘Women Who Run With the Wolves’ by Clarissa Pinkola Estes,…NOW!! Amazing and totally transformational!

    Much love sirens 🙂

  478.  #478Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I also feel guilty about it, too. Because there’s still so much practical “older adult stuff” that I’m still not great at handling. Like hospital stuff, insurance, long commutes, etc.

    and I feel guilty when I see beautiful older women getting less attention than I’m getting at the moment. because I have been that older woman too, when an impossibly beautiful 18-year-old who doesn’t realize her power at all, enters the picture.

    We women are beautiful at all ages, its true.

    There is beauty in naivety.
    There is beauty in innocence.

    But there is also beauty in heartbreak, experience, wisdom, knowledge, and the complexities that come with a long, complicated, beautiful life.

    I feel better thinking of it this way: as different kinds of beauty at different ages…

  479.  #479CurvySiren10 on September 18, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I guess I am triggered by the idea of the “whole ex package” (which I happen to have as well…) as being a criteria for whether I find someone (or they find me) “worthy” of a relationship. Isn’t it about the person and the “relationship” we want??!!

  480.  #480Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Actually, I questioned myself a lot about M when I started to date him.

  481.  #481Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:52 am


    I like this “But there is also beauty in heartbreak, experience, wisdom, knowledge, and the complexities that come with a long, complicated, beautiful life.”

    I have never felt triggered by my age before his comment.

    I am curious, if you don’t mind sharing, what age group are you?

  482.  #482Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

    @ Siren Angel – thanks for clarifying. it feels good to understand.

    to make sure I’m understanding correctly, you do feel better than him, like he has a prize and he’s an idiot for not realizing it, am I right?

    and then you feel incredibly icky and turned off by his egotistical thinking that he can just dispose of you and find someone better? as if he can do better, because you KNOW that you ARE the best he can do?

  483.  #483CurvySiren10 on September 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Siren Angel, I understand… maybe you should challenge him to find out. 🙂

    There is definitely an air of arrogance in your descriptions of this man. Maybe he needs a bit of a reality check in terms of what he might find “out there”. My man went through a period last year where he needed his space from the relationship while my divorce was finalized etc. He did do a bit of dating and he later told me every date he went on was further confirmation of no one being able to “hold a candle” to ME. In retrospect (though SO difficult at the time) it was probably one of the best things that ever happened to us – we are in a totally committed relationship now.

  484.  #484Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Iamabutterfly @482,

    That sounds a little conceited the way it was phrased in your last post, but yes I do feel like the prize and he has told me so.

    And yes, I feel turned off, actually I feel disappointed that he has this ‘shallowness’ to believe he would get a younger woman with whom everything would be perfect. But he is not looking as far as I know. But I was disappointed to hear this.

  485.  #485Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

    @ 481 Siren Angel – I’m 27. My logical self knows this is EXTREMELY YOUNG, but in the Christian culture I was raised in, most women get married much earlier than this, and I feel out of place a lot of times because of this, and I feel threatened by women in their late teens and early twenties because of this.

    I also feel threatened by younger women because I feel like it’s more natural for them to feel that admiration and respect that men need to feel in order to feel like REAL MEN.

    a lot of what I’m typing out and processing is for myself. I’m trying to shift my beliefs about what is young and what is old and what beauty is and when and if it fades. (honestly, I don’t think it fades, I think it blossoms!)

    I’ve had a negative way of thinking that I’m desperately trying to change regarding age!

    didn’t mean to trigger anyone…

  486.  #486Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 10:59 am


    I have thought of letting him go so he can find out for himself. I lack the guts to do so. Although I do believe he would run into masculine energy everywhere (and I have to be supreme feminine with him because he is also feminine energy – constantly outgirling him as Rori suggested to me once on my first posts here). And I believe he would very likely come back asking for me back. Yes, I am considering it. I am considering also just putting him behind on my horse and full on CDing. I do intend to put up a new online profile and meet men while he is still brewing over our latest breakup. Although he is moving much closer now energetically and being very loving.

  487.  #487Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @484 Siren Angel. I don’t think it sounds conceited. I think it sounds TRUE. You seem to believe it’s true as well, but maybe you are the one who is afraid of not finding someone better?

    how does that make you feel?
    What would your ideal man be like?

    if he’s not like the man you are currently with, then why are you with him?

    really though?

  488.  #488Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:01 am


    Thank you for the clarification and no worries. My riffing here is helped by being triggered.. 😉

  489.  #489Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:04 am


    I am not afraid of not finding someone better. In fact, I somehow believe I would find someone with whom I would feel more secure and with whom it would be ‘easier’. I am feeling very sad at the thought of simply letting him go. I am feeling sad for the time we had to be lost. I am feeling sad for the lost future. Although I still believe he will step-up if he can get that non-sense out of his head.

  490.  #490Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:06 am


    I don’t want to let him go… pure and simple. I love him.

  491.  #491Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Actually, I feel frustrated with him.

    He could talk to the kids and we would be back together in a jiffy like before.

    How can I inspire him to do this?

  492.  #492Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Kyla 474,

    “out of curiousity, does it feel good spending so much time questioning M’s motives, thoughts, feelings, actions? would it feel better to sink into your feelings and move towards the things that make you feel good and let M be who he is and just notice how you feel when you are in contact? if he’s not in front of you he doesn’t exist :)”

    yes, I agree, I want to just enjoy being in the present with him for now. These feelings keep coming up, bt they are transformational and I am sure he is having a bunch of those too.. and maybe the ‘young chick’ comment was simply part of his own thought process.

  493.  #493Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 11:10 am

    ((((Siren Angel)))) – “I am feeling sad for the time we had to be lost. I am feeling sad for the lost future. Although I still believe he will step-up if he can get that non-sense out of his head.”

    No where in this speech did I hear you say, “I feel sad to lose HIM.” I hear you saying you feel sad for lost time, lost future, and a lost idea of this person who MIGHT step up, but no where do you ever imply losing HIM. WHO HE ACTUALLY IS RIGHT NOW.

    Maybe “losing him” would help him step up.
    Maybe “losing you” will help him to see what he had.

    It sounds like you’re desperately trying to convince yourself NOT to break up with him.

    Tell us why.
    Tell yourself why.

    If you can’t…?

  494.  #494Tam on September 18, 2012 at 11:11 am

    I also am triggered by older men looking for younger women although I often was that younger woman. My experience – and sorry if that triggers, but a lot of the time I felt like the ‘pretty young gf’ – and nothing else, not valued as a person, it wasn’t ‘deep’.
    MrP is 15 years older than me but I can see how he wouldn’t relate to women his age. He looks 10 years younger, acts 10 years younger at least. He never grew up. In fact, I often tell him that I am too old for him. There is no way I could see him with a woman his age, and neither can he, and neither can they I suppose 😉
    I get triggered when he looks at really young women, and I think to myself, does he really think they would go for him unless it was for money or something? He hasn’t got much money, and very high standards when it comes to dating…so the chances that he can do better than me are pretty low. However, relationship is not a priority for him so I suspect he doesn’t care.
    He has a big problem with getting older too. His looks are going and he believes, I guess, that’s the reason he can’t find a model-type woman. Which is what he’d like.
    It always surprises me that such an incredibly
    intelligent and deep man can be so shallow
    But from what I see, it’s normal. Men seem to want young and beautiful women no matter what they have to offer in return. I don’t get it either but find it less prevalent in Europe…maybe just what I observed…

  495.  #495Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Starla @473,

    Thank you 🙂 that feels good to read…

  496.  #496Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Iamabutterfly at 493,

    I don’t know why. My gut feeling is telling me not too break it off. My brain is telling me he might step up if I did break it off for good but also that it is a risk and I might loose HIM forever.

    I am at a standstill waiting for the next move, not knowing where and how it will happen but I suppose it will be my dating other men that will determine the direction our relationship takes.

  497.  #497bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 11:18 am

    curvysiren, i’ve always had men (friends, boyfriends, & dates) who felt good & interested to connect with me openly about my passions & my feelings & my ideas. i feel good to hear other women sharing similar experiences of good, mutual connections with men : ) thank you!

  498.  #498Tam on September 18, 2012 at 11:20 am

    SA I believe you have answered your own question!! CDing and making yourself less available and you’ll soon find out what he is made of…

  499.  #499bloom-ing on September 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

    & actually, Brandylion, that reminds me… i feel curious if you feel open to dropping that requirement of your man that he be an expert in the specific teaching method & in the field……. i remember “judging” potential suitors in high school based on their Poetry Analysis skills…. LOL well that didn’t really “work” – the 1 guy i really fell for it turned out he was lying ? about loving the poet we connected over & he was sniping ideas from critical essays…. oh boy !!! that crxcks me up actually – it’s pretty sweet. sweet men… but then i dated someone for 3 years who was a poet as well & we would stay up all night together reading, writing, editing each other’s work. he bought me a typewriter. i bought him a library seal for his books…. we collected leather editions….. we wrote each other stacks of poems & letters…… & the next man i dated was so into *me* that he would beg to read anything i was working on, even though he didn’t really read anything else………… & now i’m dating someone who doesn’t really care much to read anything, but will listen to anything i say or share. he wants to give me space & he can’t give me the “help” i might have gotten from the first man i dated….. but i still feel extremely supported. better even that i’m not being “asked” or “evaluated” – i feel totally free. my writing world feels all opened up & liberated : ) & my relationship feels the same way : ))

  500.  #500Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Tam @498,

    Yes! I believe so 😉

    And something tells me in my gut this is when I will know if he loves me enough to step up, talk with his kids, talk with me about a solution. We will see.

  501.  #501Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    @ 496 Siren Angel – I feel excited that you are open to dating other men. I think it will be very healing and eye-opening for you. ((((Siren Angel))))

  502.  #502Starla on September 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    i would feel pretty lousy if a guy made it a requirement that i know about his profession. I date engineers and factory men and musicians and I don’t know enough to carry a conversation about the trade.

    This is what made me stop wanting this out of a man. Well, I still want it, but I don’t require it.

  503.  #503Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Actually, my gut is already telling me this is when he will step up. So what I am waiting for?

  504.  #504Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:31 am


    I feel the same way about the ‘profession’. It is more of a heart connection for me. But men do love to share and I have practiced listening at the 2nd level and M has been very grateful for it.

  505.  #505Iamabutterfly on September 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

    In other news, I hate when I find self-help books that I KNOW would help the men in my life.

    Handing a man a self-help book feels like it would be the most emasculating gesture of all time…

    I feel really giggly (and kind of guilty) just thinking about it…

  506.  #506Siren Angel on September 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Starla @447,

    “Another example: I was thinking to myself “Warrior never compliments me,” but I haven’t noticed/registered/received the fact that he is constantly kissing me — my face, my shoulders, my legs — just little innocent kisses of appreciation and affection.”

    Some men like to show and are better at showing than words. Too me, actions speak louder than words. Enjoy his kisses. I sure enjoy M’s!

  507.  #507