Allana Pratt And Julie Ferman On Flirting

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I saw this video of Allana Pratt talking with Julie Ferman, of “Cupid’s Coach” – watch the whole thing, but the main section that I found SO incredibly helpful, that made me link to it here, was Allana and Julie talking about FLIRTING.

Do exactly what Allana says…and then practice it like both Allana and Julie suggest…really terrific tip:

I know and trust Julie as a woman, coach and matchmaker…she’s got a great story, a great business, a great life…

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Daria on October 16, 2012 at 11:00 am

    First ! 🙂 hehe

  2.  #2Megan on October 16, 2012 at 11:12 am

    a penny for your thoughts:

    I went out 2 wks ago and met a cute guy who seemed interested immediately. We ended up dancing together nearly the entire night and intoxicated, I went home with him.
    I did not feel bad about going home with him since I wasn’t all that interested and am leaving the country in about a month, it’s been a while and I thought it’d be fun to have a fling.
    Everything about that night was good. The next morning he seemed shy and less confident of my feelings, as the alcohol had worn off.

    he asked if I’d be offended if he got my number. i said no, I’d be offended if you didn’t! and I gave it to him. I heard from him that evening, already apologizing that there was no service where he works or he would have texted sooner.
    *I had told him that morning about my plans of going abroad and he was asking questions like when?

    The next day *I* texted him asking if he’d be interested in going out to Trivia with a group of ppl. Normally I wouldn’t initiate but my time is limited and therefore I felt more lax about everything and just wanted to make the most of the time we had left.

    He responded saying he couldn’t but that we should do something later in the week. I said for sure 🙂
    Then I didn’t hear from him.

    I texted him Sunday afternoon asking how his exam went (the reason he couldn’t go to Trivia). He said it went well. I waited for an initiation on his part and after a few minutes, texted him:
    “I’ve never been in this situation before but if you’re still down for hanging out I’d love to get out of the house”
    He then apologized, said he was at the gym and had to go to campus later but asked if I wanted to get together the next evening. we made plans and the night turned out even better than the first, very comfortable, very attentive, very tender when we were alone. I ended up going back to his place again, and it was very good, again.
    The next morning as he dropped me off to my place he was laughing and being very sweet and the mood was very happy overall and he seemed as pleased with the way things went as I did.

    During this last time we hung out, I asked him what he did over the weekend and he said he had gone out of town for a school conference thing, which is legit but why could he not have texted me explaining that? I said to him, I thought you were gonna stand me up, and he said sorry very sincerely.

    Since this last time I have not heard from him. I texted him again (I know, too much leaning forward, but everyone’s convinced me he might be shy or you may have to go out on a limb with this one) asking what he was doing tonight, this past Saturday. He said he was driving back to town from his hometown (this weekend was our Fall break at school).

    I know that having expectations is a no no but I was happy forseeing us spending time together and enjoying what time I had left. In bed he is soo tender and attentive and it makes me wonder if he has shyed away for fear of getting emotionally attached for nothing, since I am leaving. I thought it’d be every guy’s dream, a month long fling with no strings attached.
    The not knowing is hard and the anticipation of hearing again from him is hard.

  3.  #3Starla on October 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

    I feel weird and self conscious and like a dirty liar saying this but

    I bought a car that was the polar opposite of what I wanted right now. It’s an economy car to the max.

    And I know with all my being that it was the car I’m meant to have. That this car is my stepping stone to a brand new, amazing, beautiful luxury car.

    And the universe brought it to me because it knows I won’t be satisfied with an old used luxury car that is prone to problems (it’s all I could afford). And that I will be able to trade this one in/re-sell it and get as much as I paid for it.

  4.  #4April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 11:22 am


    Feels like an environmentally and economically happy choice to me!

  5.  #5April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

    WM has fallen for another woman.

    I feel a deep ache in my solar plexus.

  6.  #6April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 11:24 am

    He told me today.

  7.  #7ruth on October 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

    April rose


  8.  #8Megan on October 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I don’t want my super-long post to go unanswered….
    it’s too long to re-post!

  9.  #9Starla on October 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Megan, if you’re interested in just rock-starring this one, i would just be direct with him:

    “hey i noticed you’re kinda all over the place with me, is there something i should know? forgive me for presuming but i figured a month-long no strings fling would be any guys dream…”

  10.  #10Sassy on October 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Awwww, April Rose! Sorry. Is he the one you live with or the one who lives in the woods that wanted to do some freaky stuff? Sorry don’t remember which is which

  11.  #11Tam on October 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

    OMG, April Rose… hugs

  12.  #12Starla on October 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

    better yet, say “i noticed things are kind of all over the place with us getting together…” instead of making it about his behavior

  13.  #13Sassy on October 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Starla, good job!

  14.  #14Daria on October 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Aww thanks for the hugs Miss Stix

  15.  #15Tam on October 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Starla, time to feel virtuous about being an environmentally conscious Siren. Luxury was yesterday… 😉

  16.  #16Tam on October 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Oh, vomit, barf…yikes what a strong reaction to see MrP come online after I have just gone online on our chat programme for the first time in many days (I saw one of my friends from Europe on there).
    I want to go offline though that would look a bit crappy now. I hope he isn’t starting to chat with me now…I do not feel like it AT ALL.
    I am going to sit there quietly for a few minutes and go offline.
    Go away.

  17.  #17Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been here! Wanted to stop in and say “Hi!!” to Rori and Dominique!! Also, others?? Regulars who were here when I was always ranting and raving about something…are you still here?? 🙂 I miss the craziness of the conflict sometimes too, but that’s just in my nature I guess. Haha!

    Megan: I like your post but I think I *might* know what’s causing his distance a little bit. Your words say “no strings attached” because you are leaving soon and you use the word “fling” but your actions (the texting and inviting and even the desire to reach out to him now and find out why he’s not acting like you are every man’s dream) indicate you might be a little further along with your emotions than what your words actually say. I don’t know which is a truer version of where you are (the words or the actions), but I do know that most men will pick up on the actions a LOT quicker than the words. If he’s that kind of man, he’s probably thinking he’s walking into the potential of some sort of long term relationship that he doesn’t want or isn’t ready for or wasn’t planning when he took you home that first night. I think if you want to enjoy the time you have left, you should. And if HE happens to call or text or invite YOU out, then allow him to join you in the fun. 🙂

    Anyway, my two cents. I miss you all. I miss reading all the advice to one another (even if I haven’t always agreed with it, I miss hearing the way everyone sees things and coaches each other) and I miss reading this blog a lot. Dominique…I’ve been a very distant friend and I’m sorry about that. I will write you when I can. In the meantime, I hope all is well with you and I can let you know here that all is well with J and I. Really, really good here. 🙂 YAY for US!!!

    Much Love everyone!

  18.  #18Mel on October 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm


    (from 2 posts ago)…

    When I first started to be online, I was corresponding with a certain someone and we seemed to have a lot in common. I did not have any profile pics up and after several email exchanges, he asked for a photo. I didn’t really have any great ones, but I sent a fairly recent one, taken while I was at a bbq with some girlfriends. I looked a bit “disheveled” but not terrible. Not my best photo though. I explained this… but thought he would prefer a recent photo to one several years old.

    He wrote back something like… ‘to be honest, I don’t really feel an attraction.’

    I was like okaaaaaaaaay….. um, I know I’m pretty cute, so…..

    So I just responded: ok.

    This actually inspired me to show the ‘real me’ to the world. That very day, I went and got my hair done, I put on a fabulous dress and set my camera up on a tripod. I took a few great pics and added them to my profile.

    I dated quite a few very interesting and cool people. I learned a lot about myself and I had a lot of fun.

    A few months had passed and by chance, I happened to be present at a special unveiling thing of a project he was involved in. I did not meet him that day, but sent a really quick congrats email. At the time, I’m not really sure why I sent it. I was dating a few men (one of whom I was quite man-crack addicted to) at the time, and didn’t really care if he even responded.

    He replied almost instantly, apologizing profusely and proposing we get together as soon as possible.

    I wasn’t feeling terribly inspired, but I thought I maybe it would feel okay to add him to my rotation… just for practice. I wasn’t feeling any attraction for quite some time even… But I stayed open and the rest is history!

    Looking back, I think the circumstances were actually perfect. My laissez-faire attitude kept my focus off him, he was in “win me over” man-mode and it allowed the relationship to grow without any pressure.

  19.  #19Tam on October 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    I am going to quietly sneak out of the chat programme now….not waking sleeping dogs….ssshhhh

  20.  #20MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm


    It could be confusing to him. A girl who is leaving and going away, who seems to want no strings tied to anyone, but who is also chasing him.

    I hardly know where to begin/end on this…I kind of want to address this to every woman who has the wrong idea about men.

    A month long fling with no strings is not every mans dream. Yeah, They’ll take whatever you want to offer. If they have the free time. Although from their perspective they may not even be sure why it is being offered…Like a *shrug* “uhhhh….ok, sure!” kind of thing. There is a broad spectrum of men. So it’s really difficult to know what he may be thinking or feeling.

    Hmmm all I can say for sure is…We can’t just assume something is “every man’s dream” and offer it to them under that assumption, then feel confused when he doesn’t react according to how a man “should” react.

    And i’m struggling to put this into words!

    I guess, to me, it looks like taking it upon ourselves to decide what’s best for him, acting according to our own assumptions without any input whatsoever from him, and then feeling confused when he doesn’t respond in the way we think he should respond. It’s the idea that any man should be grateful for us so long as we are being who we think they should want us to be. And there must be something “different” or maybe even “wrong” about him. And then analyzing him and trying to figure out “why” and “how” and how can I change or behave to get an “appropriate” response.

    Does this make sense to anyone but me?

    Have you asked him what he thinks or how he would feel about a month long no strings fling?

  21.  #21Megan on October 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm


    I’m afraid you may be right. and I’m afraid I may never get my chance unless I text him AGAIN, which would just further validate what you were saying.

    The last time we hung out I was unsure of my feelings for him, but throughout the night, literally, over the night, as I lay in bed awake trying not to fidget next to him (sometimes I just have insomnia) his actions were so endearing- reaching out and touching me, rubbing my back, asking if I was okay- I started to feel emotions towards him.

    Then when he dropped me off – I thought about this before- he asked me for a hug and I said I’d give him a kiss if it weren’t the morning, which to me, a kiss goodbye is very much a gf thing. Perhaps this was it?

    If you are right, I guess any leaning forward is out of the question, as bad as I want to know and to see him again. :/

  22.  #22MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm


    You could say (in person):

    “You know…I’ve been thinking how fun it would feel to really live it up and have a fling before I leave, and i’ve found the sex we have feels really enjoyable! What do you think?”

    This would make great pillow talk!!! But prepare yourself for any answer….

  23.  #23Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    My friend!!! Miss M – I miss you so much too though we still keep in vague touch via FB.

    The plan is still to move down there. It’s the when that is in question, a year or two?

    Can’t wait to hear more.


  24.  #24Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Megan – Why all of this drama when you’re about to leave anyway? How is this serving you?


  25.  #25ruth on October 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm


    Miss stix

    hell yeah!
    A man may think dfferently to us but he has feelings too

  26.  #26Megan on October 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Miss Stix,

    you are right also. and I do not mean to lump all men into one category.

    He seems the sensitive, introverted type. Def an analyzer. I would very much like to ask him how he feels or what his thoughts are, but wouldn’t that be more “chasing?”

    I did not mean to chase, I felt like he was the type who could use a little reassurance, but as you said, this was an assumption, and ill advice from those around me.

    I work with a girl who was roommates with a girl he dated shortly before going back to his ex, about a year and a half ago. she doesnt know much but she said her roommate said he was hard to get close to. I took this with a grain of salt as maybe he was shut down at the time and obviously still attached to his ex. He no longer talks to his ex, and this was some time ago. I don’t like to go on what others say.

    Wishful thinking (and HIS actions) would have me believe HE got feelings as well and freaked.

  27.  #27ruth on October 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    hm, this is probably my acadenic side arguing
    I feel confused
    its about the focus on us and how we feel
    And i *get* the not second guessing about the man, and taking the focus off him in that way
    and it makes sense to get in touch with our true feelings and to express then(all of them, some of them???)

    well, what about him?

    he has feelings too

  28.  #28MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm


    I kind of thought maybe you had developed feelings but didn’t want to make that assumption.

  29.  #29Megan on October 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Dominique –

    I have heard this many times – you are leaving, who cares?

    It’s the rejection and the not knowing. I have almost no friends in this town and boredom leads me to fill my time in unhealthy ways. I was really, really looking forward to spending the last days here with someone cute who gives me butterflies. It’s been a looooong time since I’ve even been turned on by anyone, let alone turned on and I like them.

    I have to go to work now ladies. more on this later though, hopefully. (((hugs)))

  30.  #30Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    ” I started to feel emotions towards him.” “as bad as I want to know and to see him again.”

    My advice?? First…admit this isn’t a month long no strings attached fling. Admit that to yourself. Then…because he already probably knows this in his heart…leave it in his hands. You want to see him…and that can be a good thing! Now just lean back and if HE wants to see YOU again and be open to his call.

    But this time, go into it knowing 1) this is not a month long no strings attached fling in your heart. 2) He may not want more than that. And then…decide if you are ready for a “relationship” that will end very soon and if you can handle the pain that goes along with it.

    If it were me (and I have NO idea if you and I have anything in common or not), I would proably pull away at this point. I personally would not be able to allow myself to get emotionally involved any further knowing I’m leaving.

    That said, if your plans to leave are not set in stone and you think you might be staying, then…I don’t know…tread softly?? In any case, I say if you are either staying or willing to hurt when it’s time to leave, then be open to it but let him lead. If you are leaving and you know your heart is already getting involved and you can’t handle the hurt that goes along with it (which is pretty quick after a couple of encounters…but you probably don’t need me to tell you that) then – again, just how I feel about it – walk away now.

    I’m not sure I believe flings that last a whole month really exist. Emotions and endorphines and hormones run REALLY strong during the first few months of a relationship. I think (for women especially), we feel very attached during those first few crazy good weeks before things start to settle. Tough stuff to think we can enjoy a “fling” that lasts a month and still just be able to walk away with a smile and a “gee…that was fun” feeling. But then again, what do I know? LOL I’ve never tried to hang with a man for a month and then walk away. I either walk away quickly or I stay thinking it will develop into something further (most of my “relationships” have been the walk away quickly variety). I have no idea how long I could stay with a man knowing the specific end date to the “relationship”. Hmmmm….never thought about that before. I know I feel very lucky that I’m not faced with something like that. My heart goes out to you on this one.

    Hope that helps a little…If not, then I hope it didn’t confuse you more.

    Much Love,

    PS: Hi Daria! 🙂

  31.  #31Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Megan – I’m not asking you not to care. Your feelings are valid. Since you are leaving, you have nothing to lose really. Lean forward. Ask for the time before you’re off. Just be as clear as you can about this, that it is a feel good little fling. And have fun with it and him.


  32.  #32MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm


    It’s great if you can separate him from what others say about him and even what you have already concluded. And this is part of why we have to focus on being ourselves and our feelings and allow men the space and give them the respect to be themselves and have their own thoughts and feelings.

    ((((this man)))) who seems to have many women talking about him but not asking him what he might think or desire.

    You have already shown him a world of respect by taking what people say with a grain of salt.

  33.  #33Sassy on October 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Miss Stix,
    Re your response to me on previous thread:
    First-you’re welcome for the trigger. My point with arrogance is that there have been people in my life that say this all the time. They feel they can say whatever they want to whomever they want whenever they want. And back it up by saying they don’t care what anyone thinks about them. To me, while I feel this is actually a self-esteem/low confidence issue, it is an arrogant statement and it definitely shows a lack of respect.

  34.  #34Megan on October 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    thank you all, for the responses.

    all very good but wow, Mercedes and Dominique, such contrasting views!

    bye for now and more hugs

  35.  #35Starla on October 16, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    i agree with dominique in 31:)

  36.  #36MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:52 pm


    Ahhh ok I see what you’re getting at. I get that for sure…

    I had more of an image of someone like my mom in my head…She says “I don’t care what anyone thinks…” all the time. But it is more of a self love kind of thing. She’s rather quirky and is really herself at all times no matter what. That kind of thing…She would never cover up disrespectful words or actions with that phrase.

  37.  #37Daria on October 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Hi Mercedes 🙂 hehe

  38.  #38Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Dominique – I would LOVE to see you here!! Still waiting for details (as I know you don’t have them but still…). 🙂

    There really isn’t much to tell here. Things are just really, really good. Nothing new, no news, no real changes…just perfectly happy! Always growing and changing and loving each other…supporting and caring…of course the sex is amazing…laughing and talking…romance (though not a lot of this, those moments are always pleasant surprises)…contentment (probably not the right word. content in a GOOD way)…happines…fun…all those things. Those things you and K are well aware of. Those things that make my heart smile (can a heart smile??? I think mine does).

    Today though…I miss him. He’s traveling and won’t be home until tomorrow. I think I will lose myself in a good book with a glass of wine tonight. Maybe sleep early so the time passes more quickly. Maybe it will be like last night and we’ll talk on the phone until way too late…I don’t know. I know whatever I do, I will wish I could stretch out my hand or foot or lean my lips forward and touch him tonight (yes ladies, I lean forward sometimes…REALLY lean forward…but so does he…). Absence makes the heart grow fonder??? Hmmm…I don’t think so. But the kisses are very sweet when we meet again.

    I really love him you know? And it seems to be growing every day.

    Much Love,

  39.  #39MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Asking a man what he thinks about our feelings is a very vulnerable, and lean-back position to be in. As long as we accept and respect what he says, even if it is not what we hope to hear.

  40.  #40ruth on October 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Been looking at photos
    I can feel so much energy form them, but its diluted and blunted

    I am blocked

  41.  #41ruth on October 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    sorry sorry sorry

    I FEEL blocked

  42.  #42Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I’m having trouble with the “I’m having” a relationship concept on the video. I feel confused by this. Kind of like being delusional.

    As far as the flirting part, I’m actually quite good at flirting as explained in this video. Not quite at the flirting with myself level though.

  43.  #43ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    megan if you are definitely leaving and you wont see him again and you just want sone nice sex, then chase

  44.  #44Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I flirted with my work ex today in a completely noncommittal sort of way, next thing I know he was talking about us needing to go out to do something. This is by no means the holy grail but usually he wouldn’t even do that. I ALMOST leaned forward at this point, but then I remembered something someone else posted (maybe Tam, maybe copied from somewhere else) and I remembered a cycle I’ve been repeating. If he asks me to go somewhere, then I will decide whether or not it would feel good to go. I don’t have to chase him or remind him what he said at lunch.

  45.  #45Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Megan – I think Dominique and I have the EXACT same view of it. I just see (based on a few things you’ve already written) that it’s too late for that for you. You have real feelings. You want to see him again (not just open to it…you WANT it). You are emotionally involved. To me, that means you’re not going to be able to easily have just a fling where your heart is concerned.

    Now…if you were on here telling us about this really hot guy you had a chance encounter with and he asked for your number and you actually kind of hoped you could have another encounter just like that. Then…I would be giving you the EXACT advice Dominique is giving you. My difference of advice is the hurt you already seem to feel when you hear nothing from him. That’s a bit much for someone leaving anyway because if you feel that NOW, you will feel it even more after another week…two…three…

    Anyway, I love what Dominique told you and if you CAN really let this just be fun and you’re still excited about the new chapter in your life (which includes walking away from him) and your time with him doesn’t cause you to regret moving forward in your life…then I agree. Why not call him? But…then you probably need to lose every future conversation that goes anything like this:

    “During this last time we hung out, I asked him what he did over the weekend and he said he had gone out of town for a school conference thing, which is legit but why could he not have texted me explaining that? I said to him, I thought you were gonna stand me up, and he said sorry very sincerely.”

    Because what he did, whether or not he had time to text you, whether or not his answer was legit, whether or not he even means it when he says he want to see you again…shouldn’t really matter. In the end, you are the one that’s going to walk away…

    Much Love,

  46.  #46Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    P.S. What is this “baggage reclaim” everyone is talking about? I skim posts on my phone at work and I miss a lot.

  47.  #47ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I feel so relieved
    Not alone any more

    it feels like a stone has been lifted from my chest


    Some emails

    thank you Universe

  48.  #48Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I just realized…I think I said *glass* of wine tonight. *Glass* heehee…well maybe…one glass at a time anyway….

    Maybe there will be some left in the bottle. Maybe…


    Much Love,

  49.  #49MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Yay I am an unstoppable flirt! 🙂

  50.  #50ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I know I am a total picture tart

    Glass of wine——–

  51.  #51Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Ruth: I LOVE it!!! HAHA! But…not sure I have that much wine in the house…would probably have to make a stop on the way home….

    Much Love,

  52.  #52Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    To consider moving in with my boyfriend..

    He earns more than me, nearly double

    He expects me to move an hour away from my home town to his.. He will go halves with me on petrol back to work each day but its me that loses an hour in a morn and night in a stressful job

    He has a child that comes every other weekend but he wants a bedroom for her so will have to get a 2 bedroom place which is alot more money.. which is fine.. however..

    He will go halves on everything.. Rent and bills.. and will pay no more.. and hes so secret about money Ill never know anything about the rest..

    Am I being picky?

    I just feel good when I feel looked after by my man..
    Maybe Im old fashioned but Id expect him to pay a bit more for the reasons above..
    Going halves might just feel like room mates.. I feel im making the sacrifices? Havnt said any of the above for fear of causing friction.. Just mentioned i wouldnt have expected to pay halves

    Or am I just being selfish and negative?
    I guess it just doesnt make me feel good

    Honest thoughts?

  53.  #53ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    that glass might take enough gin to kill me LOL

  54.  #54ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    “secret about money” does not feel at all good to me

  55.  #55MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    heheh Ruth!! Just 1 glass….

    And you look so cute in that pic 🙂

  56.  #56Daria on October 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Well for me I tried to chase this guy I got smitten with in Florida. And got no response. Ouch.

    I also tried to chase NY guy while I was in NY, and didn’t even get to have sex w him. Tho we both seemed to want to. He didn’t pursue it enuf for it to happen. Oops.

  57.  #57Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Simply Goddess – (sorry…I’m just full of advice today…someone tell me to hush when you’ve had enough…)

    “I just feel good when I feel looked after by my man..” “Going halves might just feel like room mates.. I feel im making the sacrifices?”

    Please don’t move in with him. Nothing about what he’s offering is what you’re looking for. 🙁 You want to move in with your boyfriend. You don’t seem to want it to be so you can make his life easier financially (who would!!!). And I’m a VERY independent woman (to a fault) who still finds it hard when J does something to “take care of me” financially. So..coming from me, that’s a lot.

    You want something more. You’re considering accepting crumbs (or less judging from how it makes you feel). If moving in and sharing the rent/expenses equally and moving farther from home doesn’t feel good (and I’m guessing it wouldn’t to most women), then why even consider it? So you can say you live with your boyfriend? I’m not sure I understand what part of it you would be excited about.

    Am I off base here? I have not heard any of your background story, so I could just be jumping into the middle of an existing conversation (I’ve been known to do that).

    Much Love,

  58.  #58MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    (((Simply goddess)))

  59.  #59ruth on October 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I love your posts Mercedes, I do

  60.  #60Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Megan – 34 – This is not something I would normally be recommend, but this is not a normal case. IF you can keep this fun thing as just fun though. If you fear becoming hooked, then venturing may not be a good idea.

    I still wonder why all of this stress over something which can never be something, at least this is what I’m reading from you.


  61.  #61Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Ah Miss M – Just saw where you chimed back in and said much what I just did above. hehe

    Feels like “old times”. lol


  62.  #62Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Oh…Simply Goddess…I know how you can respond!! (put your boy hat on for just a second…)…

    “I thought this whole ‘moving in thing’ was going to be a cool, romantic step forward in our relationship. Now that I see we are approaching it from a business or financial perspective instead, I’ve had to re-think it and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a better business woman than that. Business partnerships (splitting the money equally) financially benefit BOTH parties. This only financially benefits YOU. Now…if we were both benefiting and I was also getting to open a new chapter in my love life, or at least making a smart roommate decision…or if you were taking care of me and I was getting to experience a new step in my relationship with a man who wants nothing more than to have me in his life every single day and night…I’d be more open. But this way…doesn’t feel good or right at all. Actually, feels like I might not be able to afford it comfortably.”

    Or…you could just say:


    Much Love,

    **THANKS Ruth!!** You made me smile!

  63.  #63Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Goddess Lily – I have a problem with this money talk. I have a problem with men making any kind of a deal about money.

    Is this what you want? Miss M already asked you some great questions to ponder.

    I used to feel a bit weird having a man “take care of me”, much like Mercedes, but I feel this way no longer. K has NEVER asked me for money, not ever. And he happily pays everything aside from my own personal things, eg. hair and nails, gas for my car.

    I think you have some thinking to do here.


  64.  #64Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Dominique – YES! It DOES feel like old times. Except I keep trying to use a different name for you and have had to re-type “Dominique” about 10 times now. LOL

    Much Love,

  65.  #65Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Thank you.. I know.. I just dont know how to explain that to him.. He just doesnt get it..

    He said thats just what people do when they move in.. Share 50/50..

    But that would leave him with alot more extra disposable income than it would leave me.. and yet I feel its me bending over backwards making all the sacrifices..
    Albeit he does pay for more of the extra things like food, entertainment etc.. But how do I know this wouldnt change?

    I dunno.. I feel bad that it doesnt feel good to me as he seems to think this is normal.. I feel resentment already and that wouldnt be a good start..

    Also background on the relationship.. It hasnt been good at all lately.. Hes had a lot of problems with money being one of them.. Ha.. It’s only a consideration..

    Any ideas for feeling messages? I feel bad and selfish when he seems tot hink this is normal..

  66.  #66Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Funny Miss M. I do the same when I write you personally.

    Your speech is too long. The ummm no works for me.


  67.  #67Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    63 – Dominique,

    Whoops! I think you got me and Simply Goddess confused.

    I was just talking about the video in the post. 🙂

  68.  #68Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Goddess Lily – “I don’t feel good about this proposal.”
    That’s all you need say.

    And send him to me about the 50/50 thing. This may be how some couples do things but not those in the kind of relationships I would want to be in. Do you? Seems not.


  69.  #69Dominique on October 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Ooops, sorry Goddess Lily. I had you straight in my head, just not my fingers. blush, blush,


  70.  #70Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    “K has NEVER asked me for money, not ever. ” – I have this too. J has never once asked for anything. He accepts what I offered when I moved in with him (I was really afraid of not having bills, losing my independence, having a man pay for everything, etc, etc, etc…and I was afraid I’d end up common law married if I didn’t pay for something. Texas – I wasn’t sure about the rules but knew it was easy to do here) but he accepted that so I would feel comfortable…not because he wanted my money. He’s never asked for anything and he doesn’t expect anything. He pays for all of our dates, he pays the mortgage, if we go to the store together he pays for the groceries, he bought me a very expensive sleep number pillow and a football jersey on Saturday just because we were shopping together. We don’t share finances and I have (and pay) my own bills but he certainly takes care of most of what we have/do from a financial perspective.

    He doesn’t want a business partnership with me. He would be shocked if I mentioned 50/50. Probably even insulted a little?? He likes taking care of me…he respects my need to take care of myself…and he balances that in a beautiful way. Not in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

    Much Love,

  71.  #71Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Although that topic was at the beginning of the video, the concept of being the I can do it all woman. I CAN do it all, I just don’t want to.

    With regards to Simply Goddess’s situation, as an outside observer, please don’t do something that doesn’t feel good to you. I know if I did that I would feel like I compromised on something I want and would regret it and continue to feel bad.

  72.  #72Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Mercedes.. You articulate exactly what I think and feel..

    If that could be summed up in one or two feeling messages that would be great.. haha

    ..I want to move in for love not for convenience..

    Also.. I would rather stay at home a bit and save.. He needs to move out asap as he isnt getting on with family.. Maybe I feel pressured too..
    I know the answer would be – let him get his own place then! This would feel strange.. Im a bit lost.. It was only last week we were on the verge of splitting.. He said he knew a week apart would be good for us and we’d be ok.. Came the weekend and wined me and dined me.. Picked me up tonight, took me out.. Then I mentioned finances and he said 50/50.. I hate that its made me feel bad and shifted my vibe again.. hmph..

  73.  #73Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Feeling slightly triggered by this money talk. My ex DID start to mention money and not even a 50/50 split. I make more money actually and I didn’t want that to be weird. I was actually ok with our arrangement on how the bills would go IF we moved in together. But then he started talking about how I could buy him clothes and suggesting things I could get him from the grocery store (keep in mind, we didn’t live together). That was NOT what I wanted. I don’t want to take care of a man. I don’t want to feel like the man. WOO now I feel RELIEVED he is my ex.

  74.  #74Starla on October 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Simply Goddess,
    Suze Orman did a segment on this on her PBS special.

    What you do is split the bills proportionately to your respective incomes.

    It is the fairest way to do it according to her.

  75.  #75Starla on October 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

  76.  #76Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I know.. I guess Im realising I feel good when my man looks after me.. Is that bad? Ha.. Maybe I grew up without a father and was spoilt by my grandpops.. I kind of feel good being looked after.. Maybe thats my inner girl..

    I guess over summer when my bf lost his job and relied on me alot it caused alot of friction.. Maybe this is something Im learning about myself.. I cannot support a man or go 50/50 when they earn more without feeling resentment

    When we first met I was at uni and he wanted to get us a place.. He said things like his main priority was to get a place for me and him.. He would have paid everything.. I felt cherished.. He wooed me.. It feels like love that way.. Is that understandable at all?

  77.  #77Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    “He said thats just what people do when they move in.. Share 50/50..”

    You can use “Uhhhh…no.” for that one too!

    I know…that’s not much help and it’s not a feeling message. It’s blunt. But not as blunt as:

    “Who the heck told you that? Does your mother pay half?? Were you expecting 50/50 financially for my whole life?? Where do you get 50/50 when I’m not the one that needs the larger apartment??? Where does 50/50 come in when I’M the one that has to get home so late and leave so early??? I’m confused because I don’t know anyone who does it this way….”

    Go with what Dominique says…she’s good at this part. I tend to communicate in a way that makes a guy wonder who the hell I think I am. LOL

    (and please don’t move in with him. You really don’t need to get yourself involved in those problems of his)

    Much Love,

  78.  #78Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    In all ways money has been such a thorn in this relationship..

  79.  #79Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Ok…one or two feeling messages:

    “I can’t move in with you. This feels bad and I have a lot of hesitation in my heart and in my body and in my mind…..I want to move in for love not for convenience and now doesn’t feel like that time.”

    PS: “and here’s a little book I picked up for you. It’s called ‘how to treat a woman like a girlfriend and not like a guy friend’. Hope you enjoy it!” *smile* *turn and walk away*. (don’t hold your breath for the phone call…)

    Just kidding…

    (should I write that book????)

    Much Love,

  80.  #80MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    I also feel more comfortable in a relationship where contributing 50% financially is not a requirement. I can not honestly say G pays for everything. Nor can I say he has never asked me to contribute (he was layed off las year and it took him nearly a year to find another job). But it feels good to be asked “are you able to pitch in?” rather than told I have to pay half. And i’m more than happy to pitch in! Now that he is working again I have not heard a request to pitch in, and sometimes I get respectfully turned down when I offer. It’s a nice give and take type thing and it feels good. I preferr to give back than to just give, or be forced to meet a requirement.

  81.  #81Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    ” I guess Im realising I feel good when my man looks after me.. Is that bad? ”

    Ha! Nope! Not bad at all! Feeling good when a man looks after you is not the same as needing a man to look out for you. Needing a man to look out for you makes you needy and sends the message that you can’t take care of yourself. Feeling good when a man takes care of you sends the message that you are fine taking care of yourself, but the man who wins your heart will want to support you.

    That’s not bad. 🙂

    Much Love,

  82.  #82Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Hi sirens!

    I felt a shift 3 times in the last couple of hours. I’m moving away from him emotionally.

    I treated myself to a new coat and a gorgeous dress! Oo and a top 

    I feel heavy eyed now.

  83.  #83Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Clarification: When I say “will want to support you” I mean “you” as in “the two of you”. And wanting to and being able to are very different. MissStix…you were there when he couldn’t afford everything, but it sounds to me like he never lost his desire to take care of you…he lost the ability for a little bit. That’s all good.

    And I pitch in sometimes too. And I stop at the store on my way home from work and pick things up (for me, for him, for us) and I don’t put the receipt on the counter and ask for half.

    I guess what I mean is…J pays for almost everything WE have/do. I pay for my own bills (and I want it that way so nothing about that is uncomfortable for me). We each pay when it is convenient for us (ie, I’m at the store, I pay for the groceries). There is no counting money on either side. And most importantly, there are no feelings of resentment on either side because of financial reasons.

    You know, many people get divorced over money. Moving in together with bad feelings over money from the get-go sounds like a recipe for a breakup to me…


    Much Love,

  84.  #84Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Thanks so much ladies.. 🙂 Its so nice to come on here to ease confusion..
    I start to wonder if im actually just really selfish and he’s right..

    I have to admit hes always paid for food, going out etc..

    I certainly don’t need him to look after me.. It just feels good to me when a man does.. I guess me paying for a guy feels so out of sync to me.. This has already built up alot of resentment.. (Especially when sometimes I havent had a choice to pay for him – he’s just taken it!) See, the resentment is still bubbling.. Oops.. We had such a good weekend but maybe just ignoring problems rather than resolving them.. Maybe its just hopeless..

    I like your feeling messages thankyou Mercedes.. The big mouthful about “Hows it 50/50 when im…” is EXACTLY what I have the urge to give him.. Should possibly resist then haha xx

  85.  #85Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Ouch, money talk.

    That feels yuck to remember it!

    Simply goddess, i can relate to your situation soo closely! I feel compelled to beg you not to do it, but now I feel bad and simply want to say from experience *twice* over I wouldn’t go there.

    ((I love my heart so much))

    I feel numb even thinking about it. ((my remembering))

    I have made a pact with myself I’m NEVER moving in with a man until it feels right. I want to be married. So until a man offers me the ring I’m staying put.

    Ps I’m moving back this week to my parents again to save up which is what I wanted to do in the first place! Should have done this aged 24! 5 years later Im back where I started. Twice now, yes twice! This girl didn’t learn first time she had to go there again thinking it would be different but still feeling the same.

    Please look after you and choose what feels good for you.

  86.  #86Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    You know, many people get divorced over money. Moving in together with bad feelings over money from the get-go sounds like a recipe for a breakup to me…

    Oh, I know Mercedes.. I know 🙁

  87.  #87Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Simply Goddess: Definitely resist that part!!! (unless you never want to see him again and you DO want to part with bad feelings). 🙂

    I do talk like that sometimes but generally only when I really want to make a point and I’m completely fired up about someting, when I don’t care if I ever see or hear from that person again and when the person I’m talking to is not my J. In other words, if you want him to hear those things, send him to me. If you want him to hear it in a nicer way, send him to Dominique. If you want him to hear how YOU feel and what YOU want…don’t let him hear those particular words AT ALL. 🙂

    Much Love,

  88.  #88Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Walking through the triggers. My resentment about money. I still need to deal with this. So many different experiences.
    I’ve come a long way in my journey. Will always be riding on but most of my lessons learnt here have stemmed from money in some form.

    I’ve replayed all these memories in my head now with what I would have said if it happened now but I feel secure knowing I’ve come so far those situations wouldn’t come up now.

  89.  #89MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm


    Yep! You said it.

    And it’s pretty much the same with G and I. We go grocery shopping etc. Sometimes separately and whoever goes pays and when we go together we each take a basket and pay for whatever is in our own basket. I usually end up paying less than half what he pays (<25% total) because he won't have it if my basket looks too heavy. He'll just start transferring stuff to his. haha

    But the bottom line is really that a healthy long lasting relationship does not involve nit picking about splitting finances down the middle. No matter how it is done.

  90.  #90Calypso on October 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    JC just stopped by my work as a surprise – he texted me just up the street and asked if he could pop in. It was fun to show him around – his first time to see my work.

    a couple of things I noticed – he seemed “Larger” to me looking at him throught he eyes of the people i work with – he is heavy anway, but he seemed especially heavy to me today, which is a reflection on me, i think? Uncomfortable with that thought . . .

    Also – he gave me half of a strawberry slurpee and he seemed quite pleased with himself, so i sipped it and said “Yummy” and let my eyes shine at him, but really? I’m hypoglysemic, which I have told him a hundred times . . . every time he tries to get me to eat or drink sugar – It makes me sick and sleepy . . . it’s bad for me . . . lol – I feel like he had enough of it and just didn’t want to throw it away???

    And yet – I think I really like him! I’m happy that i did not point out that his half of a sugary drink would make me sick . . . I acted pleased and set it on my desk after one sip and let it go . . . I am not great at letting stuff like that go.

  91.  #91Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    I guess what would feel good is..

    “I want to move in with you because I love you and miss you when we’re apart.. Just pay whatever you can afford baby..”

    Thing is.. I then probably wouldn’t mind paying half!!! 🙂

    Go figure..

  92.  #92Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Yikes! What was I doing/thinking back in the day!!!

    I’ve forgiven myself and slathered on the love.

    But I can’t help look back and think wow (((silly old me))) old being in the sense of before I found the blog.

  93.  #93new siren on October 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    SG l moved in with an ex cd under very similar circumstances I doubled my commute and lost money…all I can say is resentment grew so fast and I was out of there within 2 months…

  94.  #94Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Money is the one thing that triggers me the most.

  95.  #95Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    “Who the heck told you that? Does your mother pay half?? Were you expecting 50/50 financially for my whole life?? Where do you get 50/50 when I’m not the one that needs the larger apartment??? Where does 50/50 come in when I’M the one that has to get home so late and leave so early??? I’m confused because I don’t know anyone who does it this way….”

    Haha.. this is so funny as its everything that has been going through my head but ive resisted from saying.. Ill try the feeling message..

    As strange as it would be for him to move out on his own when I am longing to move out myself maybe its best.. It doesnt feel it though..

  96.  #96Smile on October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    93 New siren SNAP! Especially about doubling my commute and losing money. Then I went and did it again a few months layer once we’d got back together!! Start a fresh in a new place! Der, the problems were still there only with NEW BIGGER problems this time.

    Wow my vibe just shifted again for a 4th time today. Moving away emotionally again. Actually these triggers are helping.

    Wow I think I’m feeling a little angry!! I never get angry!

  97.  #97ruth on October 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    50 /50

    I wish

    I pay for almost everything

  98.  #98Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I live ten minutes from work..
    I would be moving at least 45 minutes drive (Add in morning motorway traffic probably more)

    I do have to say though that before summer he practically gave me the use of his car and paid insurance on it every month for me etc..
    He said if I move to his area he will bike to work and I can have the car..

    He sees this as thinking of me which it is I guess.. but then again I have no car so wouldnt be able to move there otherwise.. so its kind of a necessity..

  99.  #99Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    93: new siren says:

    SG l moved in with an ex cd under very similar circumstances I doubled my commute and lost money…all I can say is resentment grew so fast and I was out of there within 2 months…

    I can imagine.. It scares me already.. Not a good start hey!

  100.  #100Mercedes on October 16, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Awww…SG…I know this feels like a conflict to you, but it really isn’t. You feel horrible about this proposed arrangement. There’s no conflict. You don’t do anything you feel horrible about.

    Think about the future. You want your relationship and your attraction for this man to grow, right? Think how much that attraction for him will grow when he shows you he can take care of himself and his child without your money. 🙂 Think how much HIS attraction for YOU will grow when he discovers how strong YOU are and how you’ll never be his doormat…even if he uses the “let’s move in together” excuse to get it.

    It’ll grow if you ONLY do what feels good to you. As soon as you start compromising your feelings or wants though…it not only stops growing, it deteriorates.

    Think about the future you want/need/refuse to live without. Go get THAT future!

    **I have to sign off for now ladies. Hopefully it won’t be months before I’m back, but blogging hasn’t been a priority lately and I’ve been really busy so prioritizing is a necessity for me. I’ll be thinking of you no matter what and reading posts from this particular thread even if I don’t find the time to post again for a while.

    Until we meet again…take care everyone and open your hearts, your lives, your homes, your souls to that love you deserve and will have.

    Much Love,

  101.  #101MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    simply goddess

    Say and do what feels right for you. But if what you are walking through ever pops up for me again I will probably say…

    “I might feel good to move in if I can pay what I can afford.”

    And i’d probably shrug. And let it hang…Let him chase me. But I tend to believe men who halt their efforts, or worse, ambush and sabotage aren’t worth many words, or much of my attention.

  102.  #102MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    They are totally free to resume effort and then I can decide if I feel receptive.

    This part of me clings to the “diva goddess”.

  103.  #103Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    !7b Mel, thank you for the summary of how things eventuated. I must say , I felt turned off when i read that he said he wasnt attracted to your pic and told you so.

    I actually think I would have felt rejected and would not have spoken to him again as I would have assumed he was judgmental and ignorant ..and would have made up a whole story about his undesirable traits after he rejected me. You in fact stayed open.

    I suppose you must have felt attracted after the opening or you would not have leaned forward to a man who had been dismissive of you and sent him a message.

    Also I do resonate with what you said about you knowing you were cute and doing something to show your best self. I have recently lost some weight and I am thinking of getting some professional pics done or having another session with the camera at home.
    I may be 52 but I know I am cute too, and in real life men always look at me twice..but I am in a small pool and really only meet men through work where they are strictly off limits.

    I suppose its the confidence that you had to contact him ..I would have loved to see his jaw drop when he realised he had dismissed gorgeous you based on a bad pic ..!!!

  104.  #104Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Thank you. I needed your comments. 🙂

    I feel a lot clearer on things now.

    Do not compromise my wants and desires. Do not do anything that doesn’t feel good to me.

    Of course. x

  105.  #105MissStix on October 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Best wishes till we see you again Mercedes! xxx

  106.  #106Smile on October 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    (((so many times I just stuffed my bad feelings about money and then spewed it on my man)))

    But is it important for me to be with a man who earns lots of money or more money than me? No I want to feel good and cared for in whatever form it takes. As long as I feel good.

  107.  #107ruth on October 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    I would have to have a *really* good reason to give up a 10 min work commute

  108.  #108new siren on October 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Ha ha Smile-I feel ya! I get ngry when I think about it too! I was also picking up his kids, groceries, looking after dogs…you name it! What a great deal for him..not so much for me.That was pre Rori

  109.  #109new siren on October 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    *angry I meant

  110.  #110Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Ruth I feel curious about what you are paying for you have a kept man in your life ?? I think thats kind of Diva!!!

    The only problem is if there is resentment building up in you in which case you will be processing the pros and cons of relating I guess.

    My GF (in London) has this ongoing issue with Live in guy who has a very small pension, she works long and hard hours to keep them both and pay her mortgage . She often rants at length about him failing to provide and sponging off her..etc ..but she never does actually tell him to leave. After all she gets emotional security, adoration, a chauffeur, a cook and a wonderful funny , loving man around her.

    Her frustrations are horrible to behold when she cranks up her anger and screams at him to be a man, and yet she actually has quite a good life and adores him!

    I dont know if there is a solution for her , but I did get tired of her repeated griping and asked not to talk about his “failure” as a man again.

  111.  #111new siren on October 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    99 SG No it was not,lol…was a pretty fast end..I agree with you I like to feel cared for:)

  112.  #112Tam on October 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Ruth, do you want to reverse the situation? Or are you happy like that? The ‘I wish’ suggests that you are not….

  113.  #113ruth on October 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    i earn a bit more
    Its easier to pay in some ways but yeah, I dont feel taken care of, but this is more than about the money

    on the other hand, I am financially independent

  114.  #114April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Sassy, Tam, Ruth

    Thank you for your sympathy and support.

    WM is the man I live with, (although currently there is a distance of 200 miles between us, as I am visiting family).

    Today he told me he’d had a date on Sunday. I asked if he was in love with the woman, and he said yes.

    The shock felt intense.
    It’s a shock I’ve been semi-expecting since we got together four years ago.

    The shock lasted minutes only.
    I’m choosing to believe that circular dating has taken the edge off the pain.

    And, I feel relieved.

    I feel like I can move on, ever deeper into circular dating, healing, regaining a stronger sense of myself, and increasing my self-esteem.

    I honestly feel delighted that I’m continuing to focus on myself as the prize, no matter what.

  115.  #115ruth on October 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I kept him for three years while he was changing careers

    that was fine

    whats not fine is now he might not want to do this career he has chosen

    Im not prepared to support again

  116.  #116Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    new siren says:

    Ha ha Smile-I feel ya! I get ngry when I think about it too! I was also picking up his kids, groceries, looking after dogs…you name it! What a great deal for him..not so much for me.That was pre Rori

    Hmm forgot to mention.. I only have weekends off.. Hes said he wants to work overtime two weekends a month – so we wont have weekends together.. Plus hes earning the money he doesnt want to pay more with but imj losing out again in time with my boyfriend on my days off..

    AND.. Did I mention those weekends I will e expected to have his child?

  117.  #117ruth on October 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    anyway enough of me
    I feel bored with that

    April Rose
    I guess you can now start to move on

    still thre will be some emotions and grief to process

  118.  #118April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Yes, Ruth

    And something feels soothing about the way he told me.
    He was very gentle and sensitive.

    I’m so used to flashes of pain caused by his insensitivity.

    I intend to heal from pain addiction.

  119.  #119ruth on October 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    oh! that feels nice to read April Rose

    even if not good news per se

  120.  #120Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Simply Goddess,

    I felt anger reading what he has proposed.

    It feels like he is proposing to take you on as a housemate , not surrounding you with security and providing for you.

    I would suggest writing a pros and cons FEELINGS list for yourself first ..

    For..more time with him, Feels like cosy intimacy, togetherness , advancing the relationship..?? Whatever you can think of.Giving you more feelings of …??????? security , validation , sexuality..Its the FEELING you are seeking ..

    Against.. There is a disappointment in being treated as a housemate , not as a special woman he wants to give to and provide get to feel disappointed, you also get to feel resentful on all those commutes, plus you get to feel more tired from two hours extra concentration a day..

    mostly and please dont be offended by this…

    To me it looks on paper like an arrangement where he gets LOTS of benefits and you get long commutes , more expense and a feeling of resentment.

    Try writing your feelings list for and against.The feelings you are seeking , and the feelings you are getting .
    Then write a Rori script re your feelings and , dont want etc.

    Eg ” I feel so happy when you want us to be together more , and living together feels right. I also feel worried by the commuting and my extra tiredness and how this will feel at the end of the day.

    Mostly I feel resentful and disappointed that my income is only half yours and that I cannot afford the lifestyle you are proposing which just costs too much out of my pay.

    I dont want to take this step of moving to …..and then continue to feel tired , disappointed and resentful as well as broke. I want to feel relaxed and excited when i am with you!

    What do you think?

  121.  #121Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Simply Goddess, just read your last post..

    sorry but my assumption about what he is offering is ” Live In With Benefits”..and the benefits all his..

    – less cost , better house (you pay half of everything-this saves him money on current bills)

    – dependable babysitting

    -a woman to make things homey

    Hmmm..I feel very angry

  122.  #122April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    I’m going to have a bath now and a good night’s sleep.

    I’ll be back tomorrow when the deeper feelings begin to surface, I’m sure.

    Goodnight Ruth and all sirens.

  123.  #123Tam on October 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    115 ruth, don’t blame you!!

  124.  #124Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    One of my CD’s currently has shown me his apartment and all its “features” and then has even told me about finances he has felt off putting at the time but I know its a male display thing and I just keep thinking of it as his Peacock tail.

    He has made it clear he wants to provide this to the woman who becomes his. I dont need his money. I have my own assets enough for a secure life, but I love that FEELING you get when they want to take care of you.

    Ruth, have you tried feeling messages about financial things??

  125.  #125new siren on October 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    SG 116…Oh my! not a good deal at all

  126.  #126Simply Goddess on October 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Thankyou Sirenity..

    Exactly what I think/feel

    I just don’t think he’ll ever see it this way xx

  127.  #127Vi on October 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Keep focus on me.

  128.  #128April Rose on October 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Yay Vi 🙂

  129.  #129Sirenity on October 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Simply G, He may not see it the way you wish he would , you just need to focus on you and what feels right to you , right , fair and good for now AND your future.

  130.  #130ruth on October 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Sirenity 124

    I CBA
    I am tired of it all
    Ill pay, and get on with my own stuff
    Just easier that way

  131.  #131ruth on October 16, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    I know I am very lucku to be in this position
    well, no, not lucky
    I worked d88m hard for many years to be here

  132.  #132Vi on October 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    🙂 April Rose

  133.  #133Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    (((((April Rose)))))

  134.  #134Goddess Lily on October 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    OMG sirens, speaking of money…again….as I already posted what I don’t want….perhaps the universe wanted me to be absolutely sure. ProfCD and I went to a free movie tonight, almost didn’t get a seat except for the woman of another couple was going off until we got to sit down. Then ProfCD offerred to go get me some food….but he wanted my credit card to do it (not extremely horrible, but not what I wanted) AND THEN he wanted me to pay for his candy that he was gonna get….at the free movie he didn’t pay for…..that some other woman stood up for us to get us seats….. I felt soooo completely turned off and done.

    I wasn’t very sireny and I didn’t express myself in feeling messages. I said “That’s like $5!!!” and then he looked shocked. Then I said “I don’t want to be the man.”

    Now I know some other woman may feel differently about money and who pays and what not but I KNOW what I DON’T want now.

    I still feel frustrated though….like wow has it come to that??

  135.  #135Tereana on October 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I have this belief that vman actually loves me. I believe he may have fallen in love with me, or at least started to, while we were dating last year. He got scared off by what I warned him about – that sometimes I can get cranky and anxious after sex. And even though we *didn’t* have sex, we can both agree we did something sexy. And it was enough to set me off. I did my best to “hold on.” but maybe I should not have. Maybe I could simply have let go of “trying” to stay in and communicate, and just let it be what it was. It might have not changed anything. But he let me go. That was his decision.

    And today, I drew my line in the sand. It’s a hard line, and it feels hard. But I don’t like the confusion I get, when I know he doesn’t want “more” with me. And yet, he’ll have sexy text convos with me. He’ll tell me when he has a sex dream about me, and how he masturbates to pics of me. I’ll admit, I’ve been playing along as well, and even enjoying it. But he’s always the secondary guy, and I don’t want that. Enough is enough.

    I told him if he liked me and he felt serious about it, he could do something about it. But otherwise, I do not want to hear from him, because it’s too confusing.

    This is just protecting myself. I know he’s not good for me. He’s negative, and he keeps changing his story. I want to trust him. I want to think good thoughts about him. But I’d rather be with someone who makes me feel comfortable, normal and appreciated. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to get into it with him and look forward to a repeat of my parents’ experience. Ugh.

    No thank you.

  136.  #136Megan on October 16, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Ok, I will try to address everyone in one post,

    When I tell my story out loud I feel a bit foolish.
    Why am I so attached after a COUPLE times?
    Is it because it’s been soooo long and I’ve been craving the intimacy, excitement, and good feelings that come along with something like this?
    Would that be so weird? If you’re in a desert, and you see a drop of water doesn’t it mean more than if you were surrounded by it? okay, this feels extreme, but I’m just curious and working this out out-loud.

    I also notice, when I tell this story, how pathetic and obvious it must sound- he doesn’t text or call.
    So what’s the deal here? I’m hanging on to his behavior, the night we met, the morning after, and the time we did spend together.
    The lack of contact speaks. But his behavior speaks as well, and the 2 are contradicting.
    So why all the drama and stress esp since it cannot work out anyway?
    I guess it’s a mystery to me. I want it to make sense, maybe even more than I want him.
    I’m extremely bored and unhappy in my present circumstances. I don’t care for where I live and I think he was a very good reason/means to get out and have somewhere to go/something to do.
    It may sound silly, but it’s true.
    And lastly, I guess it’s the rejection.
    I tried to dig deeper, to see if any patterns were triggered and enacted that have left me feeling so urgent and strung out over this.
    I have a very surface-y relationship with my Dad. He was always nice to my face (well not always but..) he would say things and promise things and the actions were never there. When ppl ask me why I’ve given up on having any relationship w my Dad I liken it to a bad bf – he keeps you hanging on by just enough nice-ness to give you hope that this time will be different, he really means it, but inevitably you end up hurt and disappointed and very angry.

    I don’t mean to give a sob story and I have no idea if any of this actually matters it’s just that you’re questions have left me to reflect…*I* feel that it would be normal to be this hurt/upset by something like this, maybe it was all in my expectations.

    The first red flag would have been when he said we should do something and never got back to me.
    I think deep down, on a subconscious level even, I take this shoddy behavior as a personal insult, as a lack in me somehow. If he was so hung up on his ex, certainly he wouldn’t do that to her, so what am I missing?
    and lastly, it may seem petty, but what’s up with the constant affection/attention throughout the entire night? It’s the extreme contrast in behavior that keeps me wondering.

    I feel that I’ve written too much, sorry for the book and thank you for all your help, I really, really appreciate the support.


  137.  #137Megan on October 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    and to answer Mercedes and Dominique,

    I think you’re right, it is prob too late for me to have a fun thing. I am shocked and amazed by how quickly I gained feelings, literally in the span of 14 hrs?
    I do not feel attracted to many guys at all. at all.
    I guess I was so excited to find one that rings my bell and eager to have someone to spend time with, that I invested too much into it, mentally. It’s honestly just taken me for a loop, I was sure it was a done deal.

    So no, as tempted as I am to ask why, I don’t even know that I would get a straight answer and I don’t know that I wouldn’t be mad at myself for even reaching out to him, again and giving him the ego boost.
    I feel there are little gremlins planting ideas, like the what-ifs, what if he’s just shy? what if you set the precedence early on by texting him first and he thinks that’s how it will be? but this is bull, right?
    If he wanted to see me, he’d text. He knows I’m keen.
    Is there a possibility that he got feelings suddenly as well and got scared?

  138.  #138Heart on October 16, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    I feel sad.
    I miss CudG.
    I had a weird dream last night…
    I dreamt a man and woman were going to amputate my legs….Eeek…
    Also at some point in the dream before that I dreamt I found a clear plastic garbage bag and a man with no legs was inside it….
    Whats all this about?

  139.  #139Heart on October 16, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    omg…April Rose…(((April Rose)))

  140.  #140Tereana on October 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    There is this belief – and I’m not sure that it’s really mine. I’m not even entirely sure if it’s a cultural thing, or one that was solidified in me as a child by me family. But basically, the belief is that men can and will put up with lots of abuse from the woman they love, simply because they love her. That this is, in fact, a part of love and a signifier: that he will put up with more than he really has to for “the sake of the relationship.” this is the necessary consequence of getting married or otherwise involved with a woman, and it’s a terrible thing, but it’s what a man can expect.

    It almost sets me up for playing that role of antagonist and general misery-maker – almost to ENSURE that the man in my life loves me. If he puts up with all kinds of abuse and doesn’t leave me, he must move me, right? Great test, huh? Guess how well that’s been working out. Yup, you guessed it – not too successful. But I do that whether I like it or not. (thanks a LOT, subconscious mind programs! Lol)

    Vman has probably been GREAT to me this whole time. I just can’t even see it or appreciate it. It’s like I have a block on appreciation. Except when it’s in my head, or longer relevant. * sigh *

    At least I am working to sort this stuff out…

    I’ll get it. And soon. And my great and fabulous relationship, too. It’s on its way to me now! : )

  141.  #141Tereana on October 16, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    G Lily – you do NOT have to pay for a man’s snacks at a movie. And especially not at a movie that he’s taking you to – free or not.

    He has NO RIGHT to ask you to pay for his stuff. And if he *offers* to get you something, then he’s implying that he might pay for it.

    I can just feel how awkward that situation must have been…

  142.  #142Tereana on October 16, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    GL – I don’t want to make you feel bad about how you responded or didn’t respond (I can’t be sure I would have done much better). But one “non-drama” way to handle it could have been to say something like, “well, I wasn’t planning to pay” or look innocent and say, “oh, I thought you were going to get it. Never mind, I changed my mind. I don’t want anything.” then flash a big smile.

    Basically, you could refuse to pay for anything. It’s your card and your money. You do NOT have to pay for anything – even your own snacks. And that’s totally sireny 🙂

  143.  #143Heart on October 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Goddess Lily – sorry but that ProfCd movie story is sooo funny …

    Btw…I feel ignored and I want some comfort.

  144.  #144Smile on October 16, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    Today I choose to be adored by the people in my life rather than sad for what I don’t have.

    Today I choose to be a rock star!

  145.  #145Heart on October 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

    I feel lonely…
    I feel poetic

  146.  #146Heart on October 17, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Im buying incense

  147.  #147Tereana on October 17, 2012 at 12:28 am

    ((April Rose))

    Heart – that is a weird dream! It’s so interesting that there were two episodes involving legessness. That must have freaked you out.

    I am sure that you still have legs. Which is nice. But maybe some part of you is fearing losing that strength and groundedness that legs give you? They are also the way you get around…what does it mean to you? I’m not the expert in dream analysis (except only my own dreams, sometimes.) Still, it’s a fascinating dream. I hope you got over it and felt okay….

  148.  #148Tereana on October 17, 2012 at 12:33 am

    I had a great night of taking care of myself and dancing. Literally, I danced with the stars (the ones in the sky, that is ; )

    VMan is not right for me, but I have feelings for him. I can tell. So I should just not be in contact with him. This isn’t about controlling him. It’s about controlling myself. I just don’t want to expose myself to that temptation to “go there.” He’s too alluring (in his weird, manly way). I need to cut myself off from the man-crack.

    that is what feels so hard – that I won’t get to look forward to man-crack texts from him anymore. But I’ll be better off with a meal of steak and vegetables and other yummy, healthy stuff than man-crack candy sugar any day…

    Speaking of which, I want to try that new chocolate I bought today. Yum 🙂

  149.  #149Daria on October 17, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I dreamt of Goddess Tina! I miss you Goddess Tina

  150.  #150Daria on October 17, 2012 at 12:51 am

    Goddess Lily – hehe I giggled reading your responses! I feel truggered by this often. Ideally I say something like I’ve heard Rori sau which us like ‘Ohhhh I feel a bit weird. I don’t want to pay on dates, it feels more romantic when the man is in charge. What do you think?’ and stick to it if he argues ‘oh generosity is important to me in a man, I dont need anything big, i dont want to pay, what do you think?’

    The idea is to Use it as an opportunity to connect abd talk about it. When I got my anxiety down, many men do actually step up after this talk

    But often I’ve had it come out the same way you said it, which is yay for boundaries lol. That’s like 5 dollars! I don’t want to be the man. Hehe. Fun

  151.  #151Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:15 am

    “I don’t want to be the man!”

    We should vote and change the name of this blog to that…LOL!

    Tereana – Thank you. Gosh I don’t know what means to me..maybe fear of being stuck or fear of movement…I’m going to google it at some point.
    Oh Tereana ….I feel sorry to hear your story. Are you sure he’s not for you?

  152.  #152Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:40 am

    Megan because you are presentlu unhappy your mind will go back to happy times.

  153.  #153Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Goddess Lily regarding paying I am pretty sure that I have seen Rori suggest that during negotiations you can tell the man that after a while when you get to know him better you’d be open to contributing.

  154.  #154Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:46 am

    Megan you might be a highly sensitive woman which would be good for you to know. Maybe you could use that info in the future to craft your scripts and slow yourself down.

  155.  #155Sirenity on October 17, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Tereana 135, I think you are very brave and honest with yourself.
    It feels very hard to give up the sexy side of things with a man we adore who we want more with.

    For me it felt like i was wilfully severing a deep connection, a deep , loving attachment . It felt like cutting off my arm to walk away. But the truth was that sex did not mean ANY of that to him. It was a physical function that brought relief ! Apart from that he felt friendship and thought of me like a close friend (who scratched his itch)..uuughhh.

    I know you are doing the right thing because the pain of wanting what doesnt exist will never be eased by knowing he gets off to your physical presence or pictures. That sexual validation is just not enough for me if there is no attachment with it .

    Learning this the hard way has made me sexually action, not in desire 🙂

  156.  #156Annie on October 17, 2012 at 2:29 am

    I feel triggered.
    I feel agitated.
    Someone has just asked me if I am exaggerating about how I feel.
    I can feel myself getting angry about this.
    I don’t like not being believed it makes me feel angry.
    And then if I am believed to be told that well you shouldn’t feel like that.
    Helloooooooo!!!! reality I feel what I feel I am highly sensitive. I a m what I am, so to tell me not to feel a certain away and I shouldn’t is a bit like telling grass not to be green.

    This always comes back to my parents.
    This man is reminding me of my step father who does this contently to me.

    I feel judgmental towards this man.
    I want to swat him like an annoying fly.
    He did his best to engage me, but not in a positive way and I felt compelled to respond to stand up for myself.
    I really do not want anything to do with this man.
    I do not like him at all.
    He has been sarcastic.
    And lied to me.
    So what am I doing even responding.
    Was that in my best interest? I don’t know. Maybe would be better to ignore. I really don’t know.
    Go away I have no interest in you at all.
    And I really do not want to argue with you.
    It feels pointless arguing and a total waste of my time and energy.

    I feel tired and drained.

  157.  #157Annie on October 17, 2012 at 2:37 am

    137: Megan says:

    “and to answer Mercedes and Dominique,

    I think you’re right, it is prob too late for me to have a fun thing. I am shocked and amazed by how quickly I gained feelings, literally in the span of 14 hrs?
    I do not feel attracted to many guys at all. at all.
    I guess I was so excited to find one that rings my bell and eager to have someone to spend time with, that I invested too much into it, mentally. It’s honestly just taken me for a loop, I was sure it was a done deal.

    So no, as tempted as I am to ask why, I don’t even know that I would get a straight answer and I don’t know that I wouldn’t be mad at myself for even reaching out to him, again and giving him the ego boost.
    I feel there are little gremlins planting ideas, like the what-ifs, what if he’s just shy? what if you set the precedence early on by texting him first and he thinks that’s how it will be? but this is bull, right?
    If he wanted to see me, he’d text. He knows I’m keen.
    Is there a possibility that he got feelings suddenly as well and got scared?”

    Surely this is hormones because you slept together and produced oxytocin which bonds us.
    This is why it now feels so important to me to not sleep with any man until they have proved they are going to be a good man for me.
    I do not want to bond and get hormonally attached to someone who has not proved with their actions that they will take care of me.

  158.  #158ruth on October 17, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Good for you tereana

    Brave lady

    Megan, hmm.I get attached pretty quickly too

  159.  #159Annie on October 17, 2012 at 2:50 am

    “Is there a possibility that he got feelings suddenly as well and got scared?”

    It’s us who produce oxytocin and bond not the men.

  160.  #160Tam on October 17, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Hi Ladies!!
    I have no work motivation today. Ugh.
    I feel tired.
    I want to get a trike for the beach but my NV are saying ‘you can’t afford this’, ‘it is not practical’, ‘you will look like an idiot’ (actually, that last one I can hear my mother saying, would have been a typical remark)….and yes, it isn’t practical as it would be a bit wide to ride it everywhere.
    I just don’t like bikes, and the trike has a big basket for all my shopping etc. Hm.
    I need some kind of transport.
    Can get a used bike for $70 and the used trikes are over $100…hrrrmmmmpfffff.
    I want to be quirky and eccentric though.
    Something I was never ‘allowed’ when I was younger.
    The usual thing that happens now is that I will spend a few days hankering after what I really want and then force myself to abandon it. And go for the practical thing, or forget it altogether.
    The usual.

  161.  #161Butterfly Wings on October 17, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Hi everyone. I had a crappy day today, but it ended on a positive note, so all good.

    TH also finally messaged me. I felt a little bored though, and still kind of do.

    I now have a girl’s night planned for both Friday and Saturday night too, so I’m very much looking forward to that because I can get plenty of practise at flirting!

    I’m also doing a bit of an experiment at work. I’m usually quite a “closed” person, and I only realised this the other day when I practised being “open”. I’m going to do more “open” practise and see what happens. I feel excited about this! 😉

  162.  #162Butterfly Wings on October 17, 2012 at 4:21 am

    lol I have no idea what I was writing about TH up there, but he must have known I was thinking about him because he just messaged me. 😀

  163.  #163Butterfly Wings on October 17, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Oh and I’m still not sure what I want with him – if anything. I have NO idea.

    Just going with the flow right now… not stressing about him anymore (I have too many more important things to think about right now)…

  164.  #164ruth on October 17, 2012 at 4:23 am

    a trike sounds cool Tam

    A mixed day BW xxxxxx

  165.  #165Butterfly Wings on October 17, 2012 at 4:27 am

    VERY mixed Ruth! But I’m ok, and thankfully my daughter is now ok. She’s my angel and I hate that she had to go through all of this. Sigh…

  166.  #166Heart on October 17, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I feel so hurt and angry….
    Omg…Wow…i really need to move on…
    This guy hasn’t contacted me in 3 weeks and I’m still hoping that he shows up….
    What’s wrong with me?
    Ewwwyou….I hate this Guy…I hate myself.
    I feel rage…
    How dare you not want me CudG!
    want to snap my fingers and move on…
    where is the magic move on button?

  167.  #167Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:40 am

    Heart, how long did you actually date this guy for?

  168.  #168Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:50 am

    I don’t actually feel anything anymore right now, regarding not having been chased down…this is worrying me a little as that could be me just stuffing again unknowingly.
    Much like I felt nothing when I went to the funeral of my aunty whom I had been pretty close to, closer than my own mother often.
    I remember a ‘certain’ friend calling me overseas, and I said ‘oh yes, it was very sad’ and thinking ‘OMG, you are lying, you are just going through the motions, it was not sad….you felt nothing’. That happened this summer and that’s when I realised something was going wrong and my issues had gotten the better of me, I had become like Teflon. So much had happened that ‘stuff’ just started to not stick anymore. Nothing stuck anymore, nothing touched me anymore.
    And at the time I thought ‘wow, I am so in control, nothing gets to me anymore, great’.
    In fact, it’s not great. It’s sick.
    Mmmh, I don’t want to go back there – ever.

  169.  #169Heart on October 17, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Tam – Cud G and I met 2.5 years ago…in another place..We were atracted to each other but lived in different places. I was locked in an imaginary relationship and did not take him seriously even though he said he would come visit me. But we maintained a fun flirtatious friendship.

    I ended up in his city this year – I had forgotten all about him…but he contacted me at the end of May. We saw each other s few times…But I was focused on Manboy at the time. Anyway in July I was travelling and he as well…I thought he would forget about me but when I came back in August …he was still keen and asked me out…we saw each other a few times…But I started forgetting about Manboy…and developed feeling for CudG ….Eek….all my issues got activated…
    So technically …since June…but there was a big gap in between…

  170.  #170Heart on October 17, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Tam – I’m started to scare myself…
    I am going out to meet people this weekend.
    I really want to train my mind to move forward….
    I keep hoping he contacts me…underneath it all…:(

  171.  #171Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:55 am

    169..ah ok, thank you for clarifying…I was wondering why he was on your mind so much if you’d only just met him so recently but I see this has been somewhat ongoing.
    Interesting…well, I am not one with any kind of advice how to get rid of the anger and move on…it just kind of happens eventually anyway. So hang in there.

  172.  #172Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:58 am

    170, heart I can identify with that.
    Though I am quite the opposite now. I pray to high heaven that MrPee is not going to contact me anymore..I know he will though 🙁
    I just want the strength to drop him because it is not going to end well, it never has done and it won’t.
    I want him to just leave me alone now.
    I hope he will.
    Sick and tired of the back and forth. I really don’t want that anymore. I don’t blame him, he has major issues, but I am my number 1.
    I hope he just spontaneously combusts. (oh this was mean…)

  173.  #173Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:59 am

    moving on. I want a trike.

  174.  #174Heart on October 17, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Thanks Tam …yea the movemet hurts though…

  175.  #175Sassy on October 17, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Oh, Tam
    I have soooo been there. Stuffing feelings, emotions…
    eventually it manifests physically. You’re so young.
    Please allow yourself to feel your emotions. It’s ok, really it is, to let go. Wow, this is making me feel teary, sad. I’m sending you huge huge hugs and virtual wishes full of the warmth and love that you, that I, that we ALL deserve.

  176.  #176Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:03 am

    Heart, you are honest with yourself, I don’t see anything wrong with will all shift in due course (when it’s meant to).

  177.  #177Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:03 am

    172 – Tam…they are both Assclowns. LOL.

  178.  #178Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Sassy, I know.
    I have been through a bit of a transformation this year, and recognised what I had been doing.
    Healing it and shifting from my usual defence mechanism is where the work is.
    It seems to be either all or nothing, I either get super emotional and teary etc., or I am a stone.
    Today I feel like a stone. Maybe I am just taking a rest from those last few weeks of turmoil. 🙂

  179.  #179Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:05 am

    177 Heart lol

  180.  #180Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Sassy, thanks for the hugs 🙂

  181.  #181Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:08 am

    #176 – Tam you are so right.
    I’m going to just let myself hope…while meeting people abd doing stuff….I can’t force myself to accept that he’s Poofed. I will naturally accept this…maybe in 2 weeks or so …

  182.  #182Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:12 am

    181 Heart…the interesting thing (and the mindf**k here) is that he will be back once you accept the poofing.
    I don’t know how they smell it, but they do.
    Some come back after 3 months/6 months – don’t ask me how that works. I still don’t get it.

  183.  #183ruth on October 17, 2012 at 5:14 am

    That resonates with me
    The numbness that sometimes descends to protect

    as long as it isnt there all the time

  184.  #184Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:17 am

    178…ah Ruth, I feel good – like I have been given permission to be a stone now and then as long as I am aware of it and can feel my feelings at other times.
    Maybe I still need to return to the comfortable numbness now and then. It just feels so much like home and it’s hard to give up one’s security blanket.

    But I will try…maybe just not today.

  185.  #185Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Tam – the weird thing is….ever since the sketchy FB pictures back in Sept…CudG’s Facebook has been pretty clean and normal.
    Why couldn’t it have always been that way?
    Why did that have to happen at such a pivotal point.
    It triggered me so much and made me pull away.

    Also 3 weeks ago…when I didn’t meet him He started opening up to me about his trust issues…and I thought like wow….and then he Poofed….So weird. Arrrgh.

  186.  #186Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:21 am

    #182 – Tam – he came back after 10 days the first time…When Totally accepted the poofing! So true…I had accepted it and went out with Awwr Cd…
    Why do they do that?
    Do they jus like toying with us?

  187.  #187Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:22 am

    185…Heart..hmmmm..opening up and then poofing. Yes, I know that also. Probably got scared of something. His problem though.
    Next time there is an issue around meeting or whatever, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt rather than throwing him out. He might surprise you? Maybe he felt rejected? Who knows.

  188.  #188Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:23 am

    186 Heart, no I just like they keep the channels open and and when they feel like it.

  189.  #189Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:23 am

    ‘just think they like to keep the channels open’

  190.  #190Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Tam- i dont know why i did that I spent all day looking forward to meeting him…then i started feeling bad and scared…i guess my abandonment issues came up.

  191.  #191Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:27 am

    190 ((((Heart)))) maybe next time convey that to him.

  192.  #192Sassy on October 17, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Don’t remember who asked about baggage reclaim…
    But it is a great website that is full on brutally honest about the types of men and relationships that some of us (pick me)
    end up in. Just type in “baggage reclaim” in your favorite search bar and read away.

  193.  #193ruth on October 17, 2012 at 5:36 am

    I think some of us can only process so much emotion at a time

    I suppose it gets better as we practice the tools and walk through the tunnel to the meadow

  194.  #194Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:40 am

    193 🙂
    it reminds me of ‘from cow to wow’

  195.  #195ruth on October 17, 2012 at 5:41 am


  196.  #196Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:53 am

    #189 – Tam – well he’s been running this show…I’ve made zero moves towards him. When he came back he asked me out… so i figured he missed me…but he could have just been bored…

  197.  #197Heart on October 17, 2012 at 5:54 am

    im going to rest…i feel better though…thank you Tam …

  198.  #198Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Heart, really happy to hear you feel better 🙂

  199.  #199Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 6:10 am

    Tam I am not sure what it feels like to feel like a stone but I do know what it feels like to feel closed or emotionless. I am thinking though that it feels good to think of it as rest – rest from the turmoil. That feels soothing.

  200.  #200Tam on October 17, 2012 at 6:14 am

    199, yes FW…I feel understood 🙂

  201.  #201April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 6:48 am

    hello luscious ladies

  202.  #202Julie Ferman on October 17, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Rori, Thanks so much for sharing this video with your community. We had a GREAT experience hosting this series. Let’s get you in the hot seat for the next one! I’ve got soooo many questions for YOU.

    Love, Love, Love,

    Julie Ferman

  203.  #203MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Good morning sirens!!

    I feel very eager to write this morning.

    My stay at my mom and dad’s crept up on me so super fast! I had all but forgotten about it till I got a call last night “We have to be at the airport at noon!”

    Wooooah! 🙂

    They celebrate 40 years of marriage in march, but they got a smokin deal so they are off to europe for 3 weeks today!! London, paris, barcelona and a cruise around spain. If any of you lovely sirens over there spot a tiny spunky lady in jelly bean pink skinny jeans that would be my mom 😀

    So, this means I am doing my joint custody thing and taking care of my doggy while they’re gone. 3 whole weeks in my favourite condo…I spent my first month of my separation there while they road tripped around north america. I have a deep love for their home. It feels like a hidey hole to me.

    The only thing is…It is significantly farther for the man to get to work if he stays over with me. I will have 2 nights alone there (tonight and tomorrow) before he comes to visit on friday.

    Anyway, the meat of this story! We were talking about this in bed when he woke me this morning. I will give myself credit cause it was really early (0530) but when he said it would be difficult for him to stay over weeknights because of the commute I just opened my mouth and out came “Oh, I don’t mind giving you rides in!” and as soon as it was out my brain said “sh!t!” and I wanted to suck that sentance right back in lol

    I kind of do mind giving him rides in! I was looking at this as an opportunity to really lean back because i’m sort of forced to be gone for 3 whole weeks. My dog is elderly. A very lively 15, but he is not comfy staying away from home, so I simply can’t come over here for more than a few hours. I was really looking forward to leaning way back and just allowing him to come and go, to and from me, as he pleased, and to observe how eager he is to come over/how much he is willing to do to spend time with me. Because…Really, no matter how much I lean back here it really is me who has the lead on how much time we spend together at his place. When I go home, and when I stay here is entirely up to me. I haven’t had an opportunity like this as of yet.

    So…Blah!!! I made the offer and I can’t reneg. However I can feel and speak and express and see what he does with that.

    Brightside. Hmmm…More practice?!?! 😛

  204.  #204Tereana on October 17, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I just found the most brilliant quote – in a magazine article that is in no way about dating. But it’s perfect:

    “If I know anything, I know that to do something well means you have to do it a lot. You have to train. You have to absorb technique in order to be able to transcend it. And – this is important – you have to forgive yourself for failing to achieve it absolutely, constantly. You have to take the long view and trust that you will get better, and that your understanding will grow, that there is a process to all the things that matter most in life, and that the best things are difficult. Difficult is good. And so I’m practicing.”

  205.  #205MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Love that tereana!

  206.  #206Stargirl on October 17, 2012 at 8:15 am

    136: Megan

    Do you think that perhaps the guy feels like he is being used? I would feel used in this situation.

    Also, some guys wonder to themselves if a girl will sleep with them on the first date, will she sleep with anyone on the first date? … might make a guy insecure. Why is she sleeping with me so soon? Is there something wrong with her?

    If I am bored and unhappy with my life, it comes across in my vibe. I can’t remember where I read it, but it might also give out the vibe “I love you; you’re the best I can get.” Chasing sometimes gives a message of desperation or lack of valuing oneself. Or needing someone to be happy.

    Finally, if I fall for someone right away, sometimes it means that I am creating my own story of who someone is instead of trying to get to know him.

  207.  #207Starla on October 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Feelin stressed

  208.  #208MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I feel “sigh” and a little annoyed with myself. I did learn this morning that it is STILL instinctual for me to “do whatever it takes” to spend time with the man. This feels frustrating. I love you frustration. I love you instincts. I still feel secure. I love you security. I feel an absence of fear. I love you no fear. But I said something and made an offer I did not want to. I feel huffy.

  209.  #209MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I feel little girl pouty. My little girl feels irritated with my little boy. She says “I was really looking forward to this and you messed it up!”. Aw I love you pouty grumpy selfish little girl. You’re cute when you’re annoyed. Cross your little arms and stick that foot out and don’t budge. This will unfold beautifully. There is nothing to prove.

  210.  #210Starla on October 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

    was missing warrior so i went to his fb and see that he’s ‘liked’ the page ‘sexy self shots’ lol it’s full of women taking photos of themselves.

    Last week he liked “freaks only’ (freaky sex pics lol) and ‘gym hotties’

    i hate that. i can’t be with someone who is all over those pages. i’m not one of those girls who is just like ‘boys will be boys.’ it makes me wonder if i’m not enough.

  211.  #211Starla on October 17, 2012 at 8:50 am

    That came out wrong.

    What i mean is i i need to be with a guy where i can feel secure that i am enough.

    i’m going to keep leaning back. i’m glad i went to his page because it reminded me why i don’t feel we are a match. otherwise, i probably would be hitting him up right now.

  212.  #212MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 8:54 am


    I feel you.

    I actually don’t mind men’s appreciation for beautiful women. However, when I see my married guy friends or girlfriend’s husbands ‘like’ pages like playboy, or other such things I always feel grossed out, and think in my head “Do you really have to make it so blatant, and public? Like really…We know you like hot girls naked. I do have to admit I love, and feel secure knowing G does not ‘like’ pages like that on FB. Oh…He for sure likes playboy, but he has no desire to say “Hey everybody! Guess what? I LIKE BOOBIES!” 😛

  213.  #213Megan on October 17, 2012 at 8:54 am


    I never thought of that, if he feels used.
    It’s hard to say though because we were out getting drinks when he asked what my plans were for the rest of the evening, which is when we went back to his house, where he started putting on the moves.

    So I feel inclined to lean towards no, he doesn’t feel used…
    as for the first date, we met out, while with seperate groups of ppl, and started dancing, very closely with eachother, so although it did occur the first night, I thought of it as a one-night stand, my opinion only changed when he asked for my number..

  214.  #214Annie on October 17, 2012 at 8:56 am

    I feel so irritated again.
    Grrrrrr innuendos disguised as jokes aimed at me.
    What to do?
    I so want to put them down to shut them up.
    Buzzz off annoying fly.
    Sadly I reckon ignoring will just make them up the anti.

    I feel stressed.
    I don’t like it.

  215.  #215MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 8:57 am

    To me it shows respect, common sense, and dignity to keep those types of things private. I do feel a slight sense of pride knowing my mom (who is super loving and non-judgemental regardless) could go look at his page and see that he only “likes” other DJs and tv shows and etc. She would not care if he “liked” playboy, or whatever, but that isn’t the point.

  216.  #216Starla on October 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

    MissStix, that is EXACTLY how I feel about it. Ohhh it feels so good to feel understood.

  217.  #217MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 9:02 am

    And as i’m saying this I realize that *I* have playboy “liked” on my own FB. 🙂 hehe I love my hypocrite self! Ahhh I love that the man STILL has not “liked” playboy even though I have…Smug feeling of satisfaction.

  218.  #218Sassy on October 17, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Are these people you work with?
    If you engage, will that not be stooping to their level of immaturity?


  219.  #219Annie on October 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

    No asked for some tips on a public forum. Everyone bar one man has offered some good and useful tips. This one man is insinuating and making innuendos on a public forum that I have been using drugs.

    I did respond.
    I Thanked everyone for the useful advice and then told him I felt irritated and bored with the drugs insinuations and innuendos and was off to do something more interesting.

  220.  #220Annie on October 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Thanks for the hug Sassy.

  221.  #221Starla on October 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

    MissStix, I actually like playboy too 🙂 not on my fb page, but i do appreciate those things and enjoy them myself

    if warrior had made me feel special and like i was ‘enough,’ this might not even be an issue.

    sigh. how sad.

  222.  #222April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Miss Stix,

    I think you can still say how you feel. Words to the effect of

    “I feel embarassed to say this. I don’t actually feel brilliant giving you rides to work. It makes me feel a bit masculine driving you around, when all I want is to feel like a feminine woman.
    I’m sorry now that I offered, and I don’t want to feel resentful. My quick answer came from a feeling of wanting to spend more time with you. That would feel good, and I am open to any suggestions you might have.”

    Ooops, I feel a little rusty with this sort of thing. Not sure it helps, but I do empathise with the feeling of regret at having leaned forward (usually when I forget I am the princess!)

  223.  #223April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 9:30 am

    WM made me feel like I was the only woman he had eyes for.
    That was four years ago and lasted around one year.

  224.  #224Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 9:33 am

    April Rose/Miss Stix I was wondering if there was some feeling or judgement around “overbearing” there also. But I think that was a great/honest FM from April Rose.

  225.  #225bloom-ing on October 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

    mm i feel smile-y & sad & weird …. hmmmm i feel so sad & it’s fine, just a floaty feeling of it, & i think maybe that’s just the conditions, so i’ll adjust my equipment…. ummm…….. hello, feelings. you guys are noisy today & clanking lol…… how odd…. well….. i said i wanted to work off-site in my resignation letter & now i have the contract : )) hehehe…… ummmmm……. so that’s part time plus part time to cover my bills ! hehe……. mm & i feel really silky droopy sad & i’m just hugging it… poor lk gets so stressed & grumpy over nothing awww….. good girl, we eat soup for lunch : )) hehe : ) & all the ladies are coming to my party hahahaha oh yes yummy i want all the ladies & just a giggle fest of happy hehe yum yes please !

  226.  #226Tam on October 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Now I feel plain angry.
    My father, who never bothers getting in touch for any reason, has (instead of passing it onto me here) opened my post and sent me an email saying ‘well, we never hear from you and I found *this* is the post’…Disapprovingly. It was private and about financial stuff, and now I feel dread that they are going to open all my mail, and comment on it. As I am a ‘failure’ already, in their eyes, this has left me furious today. I am 36, get out of my business, if you have nothing nice to say or constructive, then why not just f**k out of my life.
    Oh, I am livid and upset now. I wouldn’t open their post either.
    I feel like justifying myself.

    Then I went to the Publix and fell over a MrP lookalike. Why? It reminded me of those times we used to go the the store together and laugh as I always had trouble keeping up with him and must have looked like some child trying to keep up with Daddy…he is approx twice my height and size..haha.
    And then I felt numb again as I walked out.

    And now I just feel sad. About those two crappy events that happened today. Hrmpf.
    Slathering on the love. Bought fresh papaya..hmmm.

  227.  #227Rori Raye on October 17, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Hi Julie! I just love you – have we done an interview for my series lately? Would you like to? Love, Rori

  228.  #228bloom-ing on October 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    i feel happy & excited to submit my own invoices : ))) & also i said i feel uncomfortable to work from my personal comp, so they are providing one for me….. yummy….. would feel misty magical if they leave the good software on there so i can keep doing the pretty things : )))))) YAY i would love to do that & make that for them too….. hehe…. ummmm i feel curious about this ! thanks in advance !

  229.  #229Tam on October 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Starla, I am soooooo with you on that:

    ‘What i mean is i i need to be with a guy where i can feel secure that i am enough.’

    I never felt enough for a guy who was always commenting on other beautiful women and making new ‘friends’ from dating pages on his facebook…or liking those kind of sites, half naked women posting pouty pictures and so on …it wound me up and always made me think I wasn’t good enough.
    No more of that bs!!

    I know ‘boys will be boys’ and I like it when a man can appreciate female beauty, but he doesn’t need to rub it into my face constantly….fb is a massive trigger, and I don’t take it too seriously, but if he does it when I am with him – I wouldn’t stand for that anymore, the blatant ‘oooh I fancy her’ or ‘I’d do her’. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I would just get up and leave. I have learnt that much.

    Now I am triggered by warrior’s fb activity..haha!! 😉

  230.  #230Starla on October 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

    bloom, i feel jealous. i want to march into my boss’ office now and say “i’m going to work part time at home from now on” lol

    i have a couple of side businesses and could probably work half as much as I do lol

  231.  #231Tam on October 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Well, there was me feeling like a stone devoid of feelings all morning, I sure made up for it now…I am livid.
    And haven’t even a real reason…that’s funny.

  232.  #232Tam on October 17, 2012 at 10:31 am

    ..and to top it all..ha!! I was searching for something work related for one of my customers…2 hours this morning…and she just contacted me NOW (after me sending millions of ‘are you sure this is what you want’ emails)….5 hours LATER with the sentence ‘oh, I gave you the wrong article code, sorry’.
    OMG…………..calm down Tam, it’s ok. Only 2 hours of wasted time…

  233.  #233Sassy on October 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

    I looovvveeee being self employed and working from home.
    And babysitting my granddaughter, and building a new business….freedom!!! Love my freedom
    Except today, I feel sad and nostalgic, and lonely and less than. Blahhhhh

  234.  #234Goddess Lily on October 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Ooooh Tam, I’m having one of those kinds of days at work too. My office is trying to test me today!

  235.  #235bloom-ing on October 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

    hehe, YAYYY ok thanks sassy & starla…. yum some extra smiles go a long way….. hmmmm…… ok, i intend to be a smiling factory lol : )

  236.  #236Tam on October 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Goddess Lily, much love to us!!
    ((((you)))) (((((me))))

  237.  #237Siren Angel on October 17, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Goddess Lily,

    My ex (little one’s dad) insisted we split everything at first 50/50 and it soon became nightmarish. I would stay away from this situation. When we had little one, then he asked me to pay MORE (62.5%!!!) because I already had a child that wasn’t his. This was a constant stress and he was soon making monthly spreadsheets.

    I would urge you to look at the man more closely, ask how he was raised in terms of ‘finances’, what his culture background is like, and how he sees things in the future when he is married.

    When my ex and I split, he hooked up with the CEO of a big company and they now live in a very expensive home and I can guarantee that she pays most of everything and probably 100% of their expensive and frequent vacations too.

    He was raised by a very money stingy mother. Looking back, I don’t think any FMs in the world, or how much he really did love me, could have changed anything about the way he is about money.

    By the way, he personally had over a hundred thousand dollars stashed away in an account in a country he lived in before for several years (he was married there) and claimed he couldn’t get the money out of the country. When we went through a difficult financial patch, and before that when we bought a house, he had no willingness to get that money to help us out.

    Just make sure it isn’t about how the man IS about money.

  238.  #238Siren Angel on October 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Oops.. Simply Goddess post was for you.

  239.  #239Annie on October 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

    I will not ever feel respect for anyone who rolls their eyes at me.

    I feel really angry and want to wipe them off the planet at this moment in time! GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

  240.  #240Siren Angel on October 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    (((April Rose)))

    How are you feeling now?

    I feel a deep sting reading your words.

  241.  #241Tam on October 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Annie, glad it’s not just me who’s spreading the anger vibe, though now I am feeling tired. Yawn.

  242.  #242Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

    I just got an email from Gay Hendricks that included:

    Right now, pause in what you’re doing and love yourself as much you can, from wherever you are. Stay with it for at least ten seconds. Treat that ten seconds like a meditation. Love yourself as much as you can, and if your mind wanders during those ten seconds, simply return to the experience of loving yourself as much as you can.

  243.  #243Megan on October 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

    OK – I texted him.

    I knew I said I wouldn’t, but I was back and forth in my mind about, and Miss Stix’s comment about rock-starring it felt okay with me.

    So I texted:
    “Hey, I feel like things are bank n forth w us getting together, I feel dumb when I’m the only one texting. Is it me leaving or is there something I should know?”

    to which he replied:
    “Ive been busy with school and to be completely honest I’m not looking for anything serious. It’s nothing to do with you.”

    to which I said:
    “I hope I didn’t give off the impression that I was, i’m just trying to make the most of the time I have left. I do enjoy hanging out w you.”

    the classic “I’m not looking for anything serious”
    my guy friend says this is guy speak for “I’m not interested.”

    ohhh I don’t know if I feel any better now.
    I feel there won’t be a response from that text and there will be nothing more.

    I feel silly for thinking his actions while we were together meant something. I thought, if he were interested in sex, he’d pass out and not worry about anything once the deed was done but tis was not the case. at all.

    oh I feel so confusseddd.
    I feel worried I shouldn’t have put that last line about enjoying him, I feel throwing myself at his feet.

    oh this is not what I wanted at all.

  244.  #244Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    “Now continue to hold that feeling with compassion until it starts to subside. Then be willing to release it to the universe, saying, ‘I release this loneliness and replace it with acceptance and peace.”

  245.  #245Starla on October 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    megan, i would just tell him “look, i am leaving in amonth and DEFINITELY don’t want serious. that’s why i’ve been hitting you up. anyway, you know where to find me. would feel great to hear from you. take care.”

  246.  #246Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Megan blah blah blah. It already happened. If you enjoyed him, honor yourself, honor your feelings. You were being honest. It was an experience. It will be fine.

  247.  #247Starla on October 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    i agree with fw, it will totally be fine megan!

    i’m imagining you not even worrying about it… honestly when i read what he said i thought “dumbass” about him to myself, lol

    he’s so busy being scared of girls trying to get serious with him that he’s not noticing he has exactly what he wants in front of him.


  248.  #248Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Here are some tips about how to get started telling a man the total truth of exactly how you feel – no matter how afraid you are:
    1. Let Yourself Shake
    Instead of trying to hold yourself in and be all poised and put together, just let your body sort of fall apart!
    And even more – let HIM see you shake!
    I know this sounds really scary. I know it seems like the opposite of what you’re “supposed” to do. And the first few times you try it, you’re going to feel shaky.
    But the absolutely most charming, disarming, and confident thing you can do when you don’t know what to do is to just let yourself be. When a man sees you really feeling your emotions, he becomes absolutely mesmerized by you because the feminine feeling self is so foreign to him in the first place.
    2. Put Your Hand On Your Stomach
    Allow your tummy to relax against your hand – lean into it, allow your hand to comfort you and soften the stiffness.
    I know we’re all so used to holding in our tummies, and trying to stand up tall and look slender and fit, but right now what you want to do is let it go.
    And I know that what you want to do when you feel the onslaught of an attack or an assault from a man – even if it’s not on purpose, and even if it’s just something negligent that he’s not doing – is to attack him back or to run.
    And if you can’t attack him because it’s just not in your nature, and you don’t want to run – because you want to “discuss things” and have a happy ending to this situation – what can happen is we just “freeze” in place.
    That means we go numb. We go blank. Can’t feel a thing. We don’t know what we’re doing. And this is okay, too!
    By putting your hand on your stomach, you’re telling yourself that you’re okay. You’re giving yourself some love and comfort and telling yourself that however you’re feeling right now is okay.
    You’re also giving yourself a much-needed “pause” to collect yourself and speak from a more authentic place.
    3. Say “Okay.”
    “Okay” means you’re listening. It means you are not going to expend precious energy to fight with him. “Okay” means you are taking care of yourself by turning that attention back on to you.
    What’s even better is if you’re always prepared with a good “script” for any situation so that you don’t get caught off guard and say something that might put more distance between you and him.
    You can start doing this now by thinking about a moment when your man did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say something, and it felt really upsetting to you.
    Imagine that situation and write down some ideas. Great ideas would be “I feel upset,” or “I don’t know what to say,” or “You’re right,” or “That feels bad.”
    And now – here’s Step #4:
    4. Take A Breath, Shake Out Your Arms, And Say Your Prepared “Speech”
    Say exactly the words you’ve learned from Love Scripts, or walk away into another room (or the bathroom if you’re in a restaurant or party) for a minute so you can use the Tools in Love Scripts to write your own speech.
    For now, just start with the words “I feel…” and that will be a great start for you.
    But the faster you can learn the exact words, and can “translate” your instinctive words that don’t work into Love Scripts words that DO work, the faster things will change for you.
    Try these 4 steps and let me know how they work for you.

    Love, Rori

  249.  #249Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Megan: You encouraged me to come back today to talk to you! 🙂 YAY!

    “I knew I said I wouldn’t, but I was back and forth in my mind about, and Miss Stix’s comment about rock-starring it felt okay with me.”

    There’s a good lesson in this for you…for a lot of us. One I learned a long time ago but still forget and mess up on sometimes.

    Rock starring it. I knew I felt okay with it. I was casual and laid back about it. I was FINE.

    …ummm…as long as I got the answer I was hoping for.

    If I don’t get that answer…I’m no longer fine or a rock star or laid back or happy. I’m sad and confused and all kind of kicking myself in the ass for what I’ve done, what I didn’t do and what I should have done. ICK!!

    See…sometimes we (and I say “we” meaning me and lots of other women I know) really feel fine but it’s because we’re expecting a specific reaction or result. If that reaction is different, we’re pretty much crushed. That’s kind of why Rori says (and I don’t want to speak for her, but I think I have this part right) to let the man lead. If he had sent YOU the text, you would have simply been happy to hear from him. Instead, you sent HIM the text expecting to hear something good (or maybe even a crumb of an excuse you could cling to). When his response was less than you expected or wanted, you ended up feeling worse.

    I’m not really one for rehearsing the worst possible outcome in my mind, but maybe…when this lesson needs to be learned, it would be a good idea to practice wtih it (or at least learn about your TRUE feelings).

    Imagine the response you want and how that makes you feel. Then, imagine the worse possible response and see if you really can feel like a rock star even in the face of that. If you can’t (and most of us can’t when it comes to something a guy will say to us), let him lead.

    For example, I love J very much and I miss him a lot right now since he’s been traveling….but, he’s coming home tonight. I could send him a text asking him out on a date with me tonight (we live together, but we still date each other). What I would feel super cool and good about would be if the response was “I would LOVE that. Let me think of some place special and I’ll see you when you get home from work.” What I would NOT be able to rock star is the response “I’m exhaused. Tonight I just want to play video games and relax on the couch, you go ahead and get yourself some dinner before you come home.” So…what if I let him lead? What if I let him tell me what he’d like to do tonight? Maybe then I could be happy either way. If he wants to go out, I’ll love having a date night. If he wants to stay in, I’ll love cuddling up in his arms or laying my head on his lap while I read and he plays a video game. Either way will be fine. But if I ask, I run the risk of feeling rejected if he doesn’t want to go on a date with me. I run the risk of that hurting.

    Does that make sense?

    I take the lead and I lean forward in our relationship a lot (much less than he does but much more often than Rori would suggest I think) but…and this is a HUGE but…I know J very well and we’ve been together quite a long time at this point. I know those times when he might not be up to a night out or sex or staying in or whatever. I know when things could go either way with him. I know when, for my own feelings, it is best to let him take the lead. And I know when NOT to have expectations so I can just be surprised and open to whatever may come.

    With a new guy…let him lead. You might not have been near as invested if you could have stayed in the moment with him and enjoyed that particular time without thinking you needed him to make you happy during the time you have left. You were perfectly willing to make yourself happy during this time before you met him. After you slept with him (and probably because he was tender), you put all of that “one want to have fun” pressure on him. Your “I’m a rock star and having fun with or without you” vibe went away and your “I want so much to have fun and I need you to call or text me so I can have fun” vive came in strong.

    🙁 I’m sorry this isn’t what you wanted. This was a guy you barely knew. He didn’t turn out to be all that great a fit for you. So what? Move on and have fun before you move away and continue that AFTER you move away…regardless of who you might meet.

    Sorry…that was a lot. I butt in sometimes…my heart is just really going out to you and I really, really want you to be able to let this go and maybe even laugh a little at yourself for how much of your own self worth you put on a silver platter for this man. Remember, he’s a guy who was willing to sleep with you a couple of times and not once initiate a call or a text. Not worth anymore of your time, thoughts, breath or beating yourself up over. He should move on to someone who really just wants to sleep with him once and never see him again. 🙂 I’m sure she’s out there.

    Much Love,

  250.  #250Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Cant help but feel Im looking at all the negatives.. If I dont feel like moving in because of this then how will the relationship ever develop?

  251.  #251Annie on October 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I do not feel able to do the non criticism when someones words and actions don’t match.
    It’s just not who I am.

    No adult relationship is free from criticism.
    And if a ‘man’ can’t take it.
    Then they are not really a man I want.

    I would feel very concerned to share my life with a man who was not able to take adult criticism from a woman and only wants childlike adoration and admiration and not be thought of as wrong.

  252.  #252Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Simply Goddess: It will develop because he will take the lead and MAKE it develop. He will move mountains to guide you into continuing to grow with him. He will literally do anything to make you WANT to live with him.

    If it doesn’t develop then he doesn’t want to do the things he needs to do in order to deserve a woman like you. If he’s not willing to do that then…do you really WANT him to be the one you live with?

    I know…that sounds so easy…

    Much Love,

  253.  #253Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Mercedes – “Rock starring it. I knew I felt okay with it. I was casual and laid back about it. I was FINE.

    …ummm…as long as I got the answer I was hoping for.”

    So true about me. That is the reason why I don’t fool myself about being a rockstar. Just the thought of texting of calling can have me working up a sweat with my heart pumping at 100 milles per minute.

  254.  #254Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Annie: “No adult relationship is free from criticism.”

    I disagree…

    I would never do this to J. Ever. We don’t always agree on everything but we don’t criticize each other and we have a lot of fun debating issues and trying to “one up” each other on the logical argument (I see Rori cringing right now…) but we NEVER criticize each other.

    Maybe a lot of relationships don’t exist with it, but many, many relationships DO.

    Much Love,

  255.  #255Tam on October 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    251. I feel similarly Annie.
    Me stating my boundaries, being told that this was ‘friction’ and he ‘doesn’t want friction before leaving for Europe’ actually made me furious.
    It wasn’t even criticism, I was just stating what would feel good to me.
    Friction my ar**!!
    Everybody else seems to get it and not be upset.
    It only took me a few days to feel super turned off by a pouting man baby. Perhaps he expects me to contact, perhaps not. I am so not wanting to feel like I am treading on eggshells and everytime I say something authentic that may not be pleasing for him, he’s got two (not just one) feet out of the door as friend and lover?
    I don’t need that anymore…it is exactly what has turned me into the wreck I was, people abandoning me for being my true self. That’s ok, everybody can abandon me for being my true self. I will no longer be abandoning myself though.
    Those days are well and truly over.
    I may feel sad and I may feel lonely, but it is still better than walking on eggshells to be scared of tipping the balance and making him run all the time. What a supreme load of b**locks that is.
    Now he can be afraid that I have run, because I am not intending to back down on my boundaries, or get in touch – ever.

  256.  #256Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Criticism according to the Love Lab is part of the number one reason couples end up in divorce. The Hendricks is also a couple who talks about having eliminated criticism from their relationship.

  257.  #257Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm


  258.  #258Tam on October 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Criticising is never good, but one must be able to state one’s opinion and feelings without having to be scared that the partner is running.
    I mean, what is the point of a relationship if you can never be your true self and express yourself.
    Some may ‘take’ it as criticism even when it isn’t.
    I no longer feel the need to please like a stupid little puppy dog, tail waggin and being told off when it jumps too high. No thanks.

  259.  #259MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm


    I did specify “in person” and to be prepared for any answer. I was not totally clear I guess…To do it if you were with him again. The simple action of reaching out to make something happen says “serious” to a man. They are very astute. He can sense your feelings for him whether you want long term or not. He is being honest with you. This is his way of saying “Hey, no hard feelings. Don’t want to hurt anyone.”.

    But it is ok! You are leaving anyway and you are learning! This is not the only man for you. Focus on yourself and your feelings.

  260.  #260Tam on October 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Yeah, I am not being a rockstar with a man who means something to me.
    I can do it with those I don’t like so much. Else I lean waaaaaaaaaay back. I learnt my lessons also.

  261.  #261bloom-ing on October 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    simply goddess,

    that sounds interesting…. maybe it would feel good to you to try re-telling the story with a “positive” “spin” ? i enjoy playing my own “dxvil’s advocate” sometimes : )

    what do you think?

  262.  #262MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm


    I forget sometimes that my way is not right for everyone. I do feel strong to accept any answer and walk through it.

    It’s why I *try* to refrain from advising.

  263.  #263Tam on October 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I feel happy about my anger, I feel like it is telling me that all will be well, and that it is wanting to stay a little longer just to make sure I have my feet in the stirrups…and stay on my horse.
    In this case, thinking is very good. It has made a lot clearer for me. My feelings are all over the place, but my thoughts coherent and clear.
    I am just not in the mood to deal with bs anymore, simple.

  264.  #264Calypso on October 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    JC just told me he loves me 🙂

    We play this game where I pretend I don’t have feelings for him – he is forever saying, “I sure wish you liked me. Why don’t you like me any more?” and I’ll say, “what do you mean? I never have liked you . . . ” Lol – stuff like that.

    So today I finally admitted I “liked” him a “little bit” – we made it a long drawn out game all during lunch and afterward back at his place and finally when he was kissing me goodbye he looked me in the eye and said, “I love you” Awwww . . . . I smailed shyly and said really quietly, “I love you too . . . ” Of course he had to make me say it again louder – I was SO SHY about it – I told him it scarred the sh!t out of me . . . i get so skittish – I practically ran to my car. What a lovely mess ~

  265.  #265MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Am I the only one who considers asking a man what he thinks to be 100% vulnerable and about as far as you can get from “rockstar”?

  266.  #266Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I believe Megan’s experience was a good one first and foremost for her to get to know herself better and then for most of us to watch and learn the lesson. Sorry Megan if this triggers you but you have kinda bumped into how a man’s mind work. He will do what he wants and will not be moved from his mission that he has charted for himself no matter how steamy the sex is.

  267.  #267MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    (((april rose)))

    Thank you 🙂 That does help. I have not even thought about what I might say yet…

  268.  #268Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    #266 FW – wow…well stated.

  269.  #269Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    MissStix: “Am I the only one who considers asking a man what he thinks to be 100% vulnerable and about as far as you can get from “rockstar”?”

    I think you can rock star that. I always ask J what he thinks. I love getting his opinions on things (difference, I don’t ask what he thinks about my feelings though…I figure that part really doesn’t matter because I can’t change my feelings anyway so what either of us “thinks” about them is irrelevant). But…yeah…what do you think? I ask that a lot. He asks me what I think a lot too. We use the word “interesting” when we don’t exactly agree or have another take on it.

    But I love knowing what he thinks about things. He’s very smart and I love hearing his side of everything. I don’t think that makes me too vulnerable. I don’t intend to not have an opinion or change my mind based on what he thinks. But I’m always open to it and willing to see his side of something and I absolutely cherish the fact that we can talk about what he thinks when it comes to my work or what I should do about a mechanic or where we should hang a new picture we bought or anything else…

    Far from rockstar (in my opinion) is when we ask him what he thinks and we have NO IDEA what WE think or what WE want. When we are just willing to do or say or believe or decide based on what HE thinks….yeah…that’s not cool. 🙂

    Much Love,

  270.  #270MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I have some good words from SI on FB too about letting go and just being. Seeing where it goes, what happens. Dominique reminded me he may not even take me up on the offer.

    Hmmm…Don’t know what will feel right when he comes over on fri and I guess we’ll see what happens next week too. But I do need to be slightly prepared in case he does request a ride into work.

  271.  #271Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Michael Fiore

    Anyway, he’s hitting on you and trying to seduce you.

    If he “liked” you, he’d be giving you attention he doesn’t give other girls, and he’s not doing that.

    He’s a “player” (and it sounds like a pretty successful one.)

    Do whatever you want, but realize this:

    Sleeping with him will not make him “like” you. That’s just not how guys work.

    The only guys who “fall in love” with a girl after sleeping with them are guys who don’t have options.

    Sad but true.

  272.  #272Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    265 Miss Stix – asking a man what he thinks…is super scary….snd they almost never do what you expect.

  273.  #273MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Yeah…I guess I do mean when we are asking him what he thinks about us, or our feelings or if we want something relationship wise but we don’t know if he’s prepared to give it. If I say “I feel a bit unsure about where this is going, what do you think?” I am suddenly ver vulnerable, and must be prepared to face something may not want to hear, and to have sad feelings come up.

  274.  #274MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    And yes heart!

    Because there is almost always a reason we are “going there”. If I feel unsure about a man most of the time he is on a different page.

  275.  #275Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    yup Miss Stix…we can’t help but feel vulnerable it’s also kind of exciting too feel that way..

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  277.  #277MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    To me, my rockstar self would not ask that question. Because the answer genuinely would not matter. Even the spark of the thought to ask wouldn’t pop up. She is simply a rockstar doing her thang…Being chased. Not worried one bit.

  278.  #278Dominique on October 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Heart – 272 – And here is where releasing expectations and being open to all possibility will serve you so well. Remaining curious and loving the surprises, even the not so great feeling one.


  279.  #279Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    asking him what he thinks about us, or our feelings

    I have never gotten the impression that we should be asking about these things.

  280.  #280Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    simply goddess,

    that sounds interesting…. maybe it would feel good to you to try re-telling the story with a “positive” “spin” ? i enjoy playing my own “dxvil’s advocate” sometimes : )

    what do you think?

    Hes asked me to move in.. He wants to be in his hometown nearer to his child..
    Even though Id be giving up a ten minute commute, I l like driving.. Hes letting me have the car.. He’ll pay half the petrol.. and to be fair even if we go 50/50 he’ll probably pay most food and entertainment etc anyway

    If I have his child the weekend he is at work it gives me bonding time with her.. We get on better to be honest when hes not about. Sometimes once her dads there and its the three of us together I think theres some jealousy and she becomes overly needy of him and a tad jealous..

    The passion will come back if we have our own place.. I can make it all homely and look forward to him coming home..
    I probably will feel looked after anyway and he’ll hate being at work down the road knowing im sat in our place.. Thats how it used to be when I stayed his..

    The problems started when I stopped going down to his the past couple months..

    Plus.. it’d be so nice having my own place to live..

    More positive?

    I still feel nervous and scared haha

  281.  #281Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    #274 Miss Stix – thats an interesting realization…So true…Im going to think about it…maybe the unsureness is a sign we shouldn’t say anything and date ourselves plus others..

    I feel icky asking a guy how he feels about me. I feel unloved and less-than-him.
    How he feels should be obvious…
    I think if a man sees you acting like you don’t know he likes you…then he confesses his feelings – if its there…
    So maybe taking him at face value and acting to follow suit is the best way to go

  282.  #282MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm


    “what do you think?” is the standard post FM question…

  283.  #283Mel on October 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm


    “I actually think I would have felt rejected and would not have spoken to him again as I would have assumed he was judgmental and ignorant.”

    I actually thought about it for quite some time before I accepted his date invite. I was also wondering if he was a shallow, judgmental person. But then I thought… what the heck! I can just practice some “don’t wants” around not wanting to feel judged and I could play around with not caring about my appearance. I actually “tested” him quite a bit around this. Showing up to dates with frizzy hair, trying out the no-makeup look etc. Ha ha, I’m a funny one!

    I suppose you must have felt attracted after the opening or you would not have leaned forward to a man who had been dismissive of you and sent him a message.”

    I’m actually not sure if I felt attracted to HIM, per se. I really did enjoy his project artistically though. As I am a creative person too, I really respected that (even just on a professional level). At the time I honestly didn’t care if he even replied…


    “I suppose its the confidence that you had to contact him ..I would have loved to see his jaw drop when he realised he had dismissed gorgeous you based on a bad pic ..!!!”

    He’s actually told me several times that when he saw my profile pics, he was like “D’Oh! I’m SUCH an idiot!” And he was convinced I would never talk to him, even if he tried to apologize. So when I contacted him, even in that professional way, he saw a tiny crack open in the door. I didn’t let him ALL the way in for quite some time though! LOL

  284.  #284Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Also fear regretting never trying it..

    I would ideally love him to step up.. but what if that doesnt happen.. we dont develop.. and I always wonder.. “What if Id just given it a go..?”

  285.  #285MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I feel very odd right now like everything is topsy turvey…

    Why would I want to blind myself to what a man thinks? How will I ever know if we are on the same page?

    This is how imaginary relationships form.

  286.  #286MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Why would I do anything more than date a man not knowing A) what he wants and is looking for and B) what he thinks about my feelings towards “relationship”. I’m sorry, I just wouldn’t.

  287.  #287Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    If I say “I feel a bit unsure about where this is going, what do you think?”

    Are you circular dating? I think circular dating takes away the need to ever ask that question. I makes HIM unsure of where the relationship is going and it makes HIM take the lead.

    I (again personally) feel it is best to let the man take the lead on where this is going. In the meantime, the woman should be not quite so scared about where it is going. Life will take the relationship where it will take it. The man will push it along if we’re not doing it. The man will (generally) turn and run away if we are.

    I don’t know. This is starting to get beyond any expertise I may have. I am in a committed relationship and am not circular dating. When I did, it “worked like a charm” – meaning J HATED every single second of it and HE claimed me. I never had to ask for it. He did. A lot. There were a lot of times when I didn’t know where we were going but it was because I didn’t know if I was in the right place to be with him exclusively. We have a long story that I can’t re-tell here (the beginning parts of my blog will explain in pretty good detail though if you’re interested).

    Anyway, doesn’t matter. I’m not sure I can answer the question of whether or not something like that is less than rock star or too vulnerable (can you be too vulnerable??? probably) because I don’t know if I would ever ask what he thought about where we were going. I think I’d have to just live life knowing that some day I would be loved by the right man and I wouldn’t have any questions about where it was going.


    I don’t know. lol

    Much Love,

  288.  #288Dominique on October 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    279 – Femininewoman is exactly right. You cannot ask such questions without having an agenda flowing underneath. This would be an almost assured way to feeling disappointed in the response and thus hurt.


  289.  #289maxine on October 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    annie..i feel supportive of your honesty about critisism..i feel the same way as you do..
    what about all that ‘unspoken’ critisism we all are capable of? that glance..that sigh..that pause before answering! it is that sort of underground communication that can go on even with the couples who NEVER argue..NEVER critisise..that was me and my ex..but it was there oh yes! under the surface packed into two people ‘trying’ to get it all right!
    sometimes…it’s just gotta come out and if it is felt by either one as critisism..well..i feel I am brave enough to get over a bit of being told off and so should the person who is RIGHT for you…
    I feel that ‘told off’ is maybe the wrong expression..I don’t know..I am maybe unwise about this..but i feel that some men and it definately applies to my recent long term ex feelequally as pissed with ‘sweetheart, i feel annoyed at having to do all the housework when I get home from work’ as they do when you simply say ‘oi! a little help here please!’
    Don’t get me wrong..feeling messages have transformed me..but I feel critisism is..well’s like the eye of the beholder!
    what does everyone else think 🙂

  290.  #290Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I would ideally love him to step up.. but what if that doesnt happen.. we dont develop.. and I always wonder.. “What if Id just given it a go..?”

    You can do that too. And then you have to wonder “what if I’d just left it up to him to be a man? I wonder if he still would have picked me and made this relationship develop for us.”

    Either way.

    Much Love,

  291.  #291Heart on October 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    #278 Dominique – Yes. I love being that way…But it can be challenging to stay in that mode. I feel good about processing and practicing though. Thanks for the input. 🙂

  292.  #292Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    “Why would I do anything more than date a man not knowing A) what he wants and is looking for and B) what he thinks about my feelings towards “relationship”. I’m sorry, I just wouldn’t.”

    You don’t have to do anything more than just date him. If he wants to do more than date you, he’ll tell you those things and then you’ll know where he stands and you can decide if you want to take another step with him. You won’t have to ask what he thinks about it. In the meantime, why not just date him???

    Much Love,

  293.  #293MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I am in a committed lifelong relationship…We are family and future planning currently.

  294.  #294Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    maxine I believe that is what Rori’s work is about. Finding that unspoken judgement (I feel myself feeling judgemental about……..) and saying it. Or at least acknowledging it to yourself. The underground communication comes out in our vibe and body language. When we catch ourselves in the moment we can change that. Awareness is key – as Dominique says.

  295.  #295MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I feel very uncomfortable being told not to say “what do you think?”

    Which feels funny because I used to fight against this advice. Rori’s own advice.

    State your script. Finish with “what do you think?”.

    Am I really not getting this?

  296.  #296Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I feel a bit unsure about where this is going

    I usually feel this way when I am invested and want things to go a certain way.

  297.  #297Dominique on October 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    I feel curious why it’s seems important to know where the relationship is going? How can someone even answer such a question?

    You can establish early on whether he’s the kind of man who is looking for a committed long term relationship or just a good time.

    But why the pressure to know more than this, and the pressure would be as much on you.

    How about relaxing and enjoying what is? How about expanding your definition of what feels good.

    You get to choose every step of the way after all.

    You can to state what feels good and thus likely get more of this.

    You also get to state what feels bad though I would suggest feeling sure if speaking up is really so important.


  298.  #298Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm


    True.. I just feel lost knowing which road to take..

    The positive story is what I want.. How it has been/felt in the past..
    Why am I so negative now.. I cant shake the feelings of resentment Etc.. I’m scared I think..

  299.  #299Femininewoman on October 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Miss Stix if you read around the blog you will find instances of where this question is not included. I remember Smile recently posted one where Rori’s says to stand up to the man by stating your *mission* statement and ask him nothing.

  300.  #300Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    MissStix: Oops…when you said this:

    If I say “I feel a bit unsure about where this is going, what do you think?” I am suddenly ver vulnerable, and must be prepared to face something may not want to hear, and to have sad feelings come up.

    I assumed you meant you are unsure of where your relationship is going. Looks like you know all that (and YAY by the way! I LOVE committed relationships.. a LOT) and maybe were just asking in general. Either way the “I feel unsure about where this is going” would probably never come out of my mouth so still…completely unqualified to comment (even though I did) lol

    Much Love,

  301.  #301MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm


    “I feel unsure” was just an example. *I* do not feel unsure. Whatever. I feel frustrated by this fear of asking what a man thinks.

  302.  #302MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Thanks Mercedes I see now where my communication was vague!

  303.  #303Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Simply Goddess: “The positive story is what I want.. ”

    but he’s not offering you that. So…he’s offering you what you don’t want…why would you take an offer you don’t want? In case you lose him over it? If you lose him over not taking him up on spending more of your money on him than you are comfortable with…trust me…you would have eventually lost him anyway.

    Guys who love us don’t leave us because we won’t do something we’re uncomfortable with. Really. They won’t. If he doesn’t move the relationship forward after you do what YOU want then…well…he was never going to move it forward anyway.

    But if you consider moving in with him and paying half the bills “moving forward” then yeah…I guess it’s all on you to be the one to move it forward. 🙁

    Much Love,

  304.  #304Dominique on October 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    MissStix – If you REALLY want to know what he thinks, then ask. If you don’t really, then leave this out. One of my favorite things to say when I feel the need to express which doesn’t feel good is to ask him for his help with this.

    For example – “I feel so upset imagining you out with your friends without me. I feel silly even bringing this up, but I find myself making up all kinds of stories. Can help me with this?”


  305.  #305MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I can’t recall if I have ever said “I feel unsure…” but if I did feel unsure I would probably say it…I have been feeling, and experiencing way too much goodness in sharing these things to stop now. I am not scared of how he might respond. To me that’s the whole point! To not feel scared of feelings that come up and not be scared of doing something “wrong” unless it is wrong for ME.

  306.  #306maxine on October 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    femininewoman..Yes I feel pleased you reminded me of this Rori advice about catching ourselves and changing catching myself these days I feel a sense of my own power..that ex was the kind of man that if you said ‘I feel judgemental..I don’t like feeling this way..I don’t feel happy doing so much around the house when I am tired after work’
    His response would be (and was) ‘No one’s asking you to do it’
    or as always he would ignore me and stare into his phone..
    I can’t wait to be in a place where feeling things is recognised and be with a man where all these tools are liberating!

  307.  #307MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you dominique. This really only started because I was thinking out loud. Someone said I told them to rockstar it, but I didn’t say that. I was trying to striaghten it out in my mind why I don’t see it the same way.

  308.  #308Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Dominique – I LOVE this:

    If you REALLY want to know what he thinks, then ask. If you don’t really, then leave this out.

    Do you really want to know? Do you need to know? Those are good questions.

    Much Love,

  309.  #309MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    #22- my original advice.I was trying to figure out where “rockstar” came from.


    You could say (in person):

    “You know…I’ve been thinking how fun it would feel to really live it up and have a fling before I leave, and i’ve found the sex we have feels really enjoyable! What do you think?”

    This would make great pillow talk!!! But prepare yourself for any answer….”

  310.  #310Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    ***Criticism according to the Love Lab is part of the number one reason couples end up in divorce. The Hendricks is also a couple who talks about having eliminated criticism from their relationship.***

    I’m feeling pressed for time atm and wish I was able to explain better…but I feel inspired to clarify that while criticism is not recommended, Gottman does say that complaint is okay.

    We all need to be able to share when something doesn’t work for us, it’s just when it becomes personal that it turns destructive for relationships.

    I’d love to delve into this further when I have more time to be present here. 🙂

  311.  #311Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I was just reading about this topic this weekend!

  312.  #312MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    oh I am so glad I re posted this!!!

    We would have no need to say this if it really is just a fling.

    However I do know I phrased it this way knowing assumptions about what men want were being made.

  313.  #313Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    “Gottman distinguishes between criticism and complaints, because one partner will always have certain complaints about his or her spouse. Complaining about one’s spouse is normal, however, the way one goes about expressing these complaints is most important. The problem arises when complaints turn into criticisms. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. An example of the difference between a complaint and a criticism is the following:

    Complaint: “You should have told me earlier that you’re too tired to make love. I’m disappointed, and I feel embarrassed.”

    Criticism: “Why are you so selfish? It was really nasty of you to lead me on. You should have told me earlier that you were too tired to make love.” ”

  314.  #314Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Although even the positive example of complaint is still making it more personal than Rori recommends…

    but according to their studies it’s still way less destructive than criticism.

    Just thought I would throw my two cents in since its so fresh on my mind.

  315.  #315April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Siren Angel,

    Thank you.
    I am feeling gently sweet and loving of myself. I am with close family in London.
    WM is out of sight and the sharp sting has subsided…

    I have improved my online profile and feel very pleased with it’s feelingy-feminine tone.

  316.  #316Mercedes on October 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    LG: Although even the positive example of complaint is still making it more personal than Rori recommends…

    but according to their studies it’s still way less destructive than criticism.

    I think all of that is true. Criticism hurts almost always from my experience. Complaints too really. But just talking through it with love and UNDERSTANDING about where the other person is coming from…that feels good.

    The LOVE version: Ok my sleepyhead. How about we just cuddle til we fall asleep?

    Much Love,

  317.  #317April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Thanks to you who sent hugs and wrote kind messages.

    My NV says I pushed him too far, with my dating, and that the consequence of that was him falling for another woman.

    My Rori-centred logic says that WM is too good at out-girling me, and sees himself as the prize.

    I did not feel him fight for me when I began (and continued) to circular date. He said he was not going to up his game. He implied that my dating others was a game to get at him.

    I saw and felt his actions.
    I continued to date because I found men whose actions made me feel good about myself.

  318.  #318Rori Raye on October 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Hi all! I need to put out this RULE again:

    I’m so sorry if this message never reached you before – but I get into serious copyright trouble if anyone prints articles by someone else on the blog as a comment. I noticed several pieces by Evan Marc Katz posted whole as comments – and this isn’t legal, or good for my relationships with other coaches and writers. I had to delete them off the blog, and there was such good information there, I didn’t want to!

    I’d appreciate it if you’d do it this way (Laughing Goddess just did this perfectly with a John Gottman article):

    *If you receive a letter from a relationship expert, or read a great blog post of theirs – PLEASE don’t copy and paste it whole into a comment – instead:

    1. Choose a few lines to quote, put it in quote marks, and then…

    2. Link to the page on the site where you found the article or post or letter.

    3. If it’s a newsletter, and it’s not to be found on a site you can link to, then use your favorite quotes (just a few lines, please) and add a link to the writer’s website if you like, or just no link.

    Thank you so much, I appreciate your sticking to this rule…

    (If you ever want to print one of MY articles or letters on some other site – feel free, just please put in a link back to the blog or the site – that would be great for all of us!)

    Love, Rori

  319.  #319Stargirl on October 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    277: MissStix
    The way you explained rockstar makes sense to me. 🙂

    Just a little news: I had previously read too much into an email from CDo, and I expressed some judgement. It resulted in me hurting him. I didn’t hear from him for a while, and a friend of mine suggested that I just check in with him. I did, and we realized that it was a mutual misunderstanding, but he was still hesitant.

    I did not chase him, but tried to keep things like a dance with him leading. Today I had a great day to the ballet with some girlfriends, and when I got back, I had a sweet email from him. Nice reward for my energy being in the right place!

  320.  #320Stargirl on October 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    264: Calypso Yay! I’m so happy for you. That is two sweet posts and counting.

    I am usually to self-consious to post on facebook, but I posted something today, and it felt good to have people like it. I feel like I’m breaking out of my shell a little. It feels good!

  321.  #321Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Mercedes 316

    Hi, it’s great to ‘see’ you around these parts. 🙂

    I agree, taking the loving route feels most peaceful in the end.

    I brought that up though in response to what Annie was saying (which I didn’t make clear because I was feeing rush). I did feel a bit bummed t

  322.  #322Tam on October 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade here, but sometimes I get a flash of why I am on this blog right now.
    You see, before (the last 4-5 years)….when I was in a relationship or dating, I never had reason or feeling to ask a man ‘what he thinks’, about anything much, because it was kind of plain. Even more so, it was plain that he was into me, there was no question. He did everything that men do when they are into you. I never felt the need to question anything, get into his head or doubt that he loved me.
    Sure, the feeling messages etc would have helped with authenticity in any relationship – even with friends/family…
    but I have to say, and maybe this puts a dampener on many a lady’s spirits here:
    when a man is really into you, there is no need to ask him what he thinks about the relationship…or you….there is no need to ‘have the talk’, there is no need to craft out feeling messages for hours or scripts or whatever else. You will know as clear as the sun goes up every morning.
    I think I had briefly forgotten this.
    Because the last few years, the men I met were quite ambivalent. I suggest that those men, and those men that some of us are wracking our brains over, day in and day out ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO US.
    What do YOU think?
    And a man who really is into us, will not clam up and get all scared if we DO ask him what he thinks. He will be able to answer confidently and happily.
    So again, feeling dread/scared when asking that question – sure sign that something is off.
    I had men ask me ‘what do you think about where this relationship is going?’ ‘what do you think?’ about all sorts…then I feel safe to ask the question back.
    Otherwise, it’s usually pretty clear what he thinks and we just don’t want to accept it maybe?

  323.  #323Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    321 cont.

    I did feel a bit bummed because I knew I could have been more clear about what I wanted to say. Surrender and slowing down seems to be my message for the day…

    What I wanted to say is that I do understand Annie’s comment about needing to be in a relationship where criticism is okay (to paraphrase). I want to be able to express when I don’t feel good about something without it being the end of the world.

    Some things feel easier for me to let go of than others. Like in the Gottman example, that’s not really one of my ‘buttons’ so I probably wouldn’t feel triggered. But there are situations where I have to express my boundaries.

    Right now, I’m looking into ways to do that and I could relate to what Annie was saying.

    So while the studies show that criticism leads to divorce, I believe that it is important to be able to express boundaries or ‘don’t wants’ in Rori terms. 🙂

  324.  #324Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    If your partner has in the past done things that have caused you to lose trust in them.. In lots of ways.. Money being a big trust issues as well as lies etc..

    Can you ever forget? Can you ever get back to trusting them completely? Can it ever be the same again? Can you ever just let it go and get on? No doubts.. Just happiness and positivity..

    Just wish we could start all over again.. No Bull sh it

  325.  #325MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    April rose

    Thank you again for the script! I have decided to borrow from it! You helped me see that under it all I feel really sad about letting go of my control over how often we see each other. Even for 3 weeks.

    I think I may have had a panic attack today. I have never had one before so I can’t say for sure…But I felt so flushed and dizzy and clammy like I needed a deep deep breath, heart just pounding and I started to heave. I feel very off today and I am crying at the moment for no real reason…I just feel sad. I feel sad and just like I need a hug.

  326.  #326Tam on October 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    (((((Miss Stix))))

  327.  #327MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm


    For me it is not necessarily a “need” to find out what he thinks it is simply a way of communicating. A way for me to respect that maybe he might not see something the way I do. And without this in my current relationship the two of us would still be kn a totally different page. Not because he wasn’t as dedicated as I thought but because I wasn’t as dedicated as he thought (at that time).

  328.  #328MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    But I mostly totally agree with you!

  329.  #329MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    mmm thanks for hugs!

    It was actually yoir other post though…It stopped my tears. Weird 😛

  330.  #330Tam on October 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    327..I get that Miss Stix.

  331.  #331Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Any truth to the fact around 18 months in things can turn a bit sour.. Hormonal shifts etc?

  332.  #332Simply Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Also, its around this same time period I had doubts about the love for my ex and ended it.. Hmm..

  333.  #333Annie on October 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I hear what you are saying Mercedes and feel happy to agree to disagree re criticism and grown up romantic love. Which I believe to be completely different from the unconditional love that a child gives.
    And stick to that No adult relationship is free from criticism.
    And if a ‘man’ can’t take it.
    Then they are not really a man I want.

    And that I would feel very concerned to share my life with a man who was not able to take adult criticism from a woman and only wants childlike adoration and admiration and not be thought of as wrong.

    It just doesn’t sit well with me in my gut.

    But like I said feel happy to agree to disagree on this one.
    And can see where you are coming from.

  334.  #334April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    ((((Miss Stix))))

    Hugs from me, too.

  335.  #335April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Simplified version of something I’ve been thinking about:

    Masculine energy = ego. (Criticism feels wounding.)

    Feminine energy = sensation. (Criticism flows off like water)

  336.  #336Annie on October 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    280: Simply Goddess.

    Is that what you want to move in on these terms?

    Or are you wanting to be married?

    What do you want?

  337.  #337Stargirl on October 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    322: Tam Very nice way of putting it. For sure ambivalent men can make me forget this. It is nice to remember!

  338.  #338Starla on October 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Feeling really strong now:)

    Going to lean way back from Warrior. Things are not how I need them to be and I love me too much to compromise these basic things.

    And I have so much faith that if I just stay in this sireny-leaned back-take care of me space, everything will work out exactly as it should.

    maybe he will surprise me.

    the universe always delivers, regardless:) what i want and need is coming for me in some form

  339.  #339April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Starla 338

    I feel exactly the same.

    I feel ready to be surprised

  340.  #340April Rose on October 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    ” stay in this sireny-leaned back-take care of me space”

    Yum. Yes, me too!

  341.  #341Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    yum ladiez!

  342.  #342MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm


    I actually thought “I’d rather hear criticism than complaint.”. And though I am not a critical person by nature I have heard from my man’s mouth “If I am doing something that is pissing you off I want to hear about it!”. So although my approach is different (being true to me) I very much felt appreciative to hear that. To know that a simple criticism wouldn’t rock the entire world. So I feel you…

  343.  #343Laughing Goddess on October 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I feel most comfortable with Rori’s take on criticism vs. complaint which is simply express don’t wants.

    yum. This feels rockstar 🙂

  344.  #344MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:18 pm


    Me too! I keep it to “I don’t want”.

    Still, nice to know I could say “Why are you doing that, it’s stupid, and pissing me off!” haha Even though I won’t say that.

  345.  #345Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    So this is a Floridian thing obviously, the last minute non-commital planning. Oh, I am almost proud of MrP, who gave me three days notice. Wow!!
    The next specimen (I call him Baywatchman) has been unable – despite sending one million texts – to make any firm in advance plans. Tonight he texts me at 7pm whether I want to ‘do something’ later…oh come on. I said that I was busy but available Friday. He said he is going away for the weekend..mmmhmm with the gf probably (sorry for being so sarcastic but that’s just how it is down here)
    And THEN he sends another text saying ‘so why did you bother giving me your number?’
    The cheek.
    Typical for the guys down here. If there are mildly attractive and local, they think they own the world and all the women must worship them – it’s because there are a lot of attractive women here and a lot of women full stop.
    Well, I don’t.
    Sod that.
    Been there, done it, not doing it again.
    I want a man to worship me.
    You are the weakest link, good bye!!

  346.  #346Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    OMG, now he sent another message saying ‘or did you just not want to hurt my feelings by taking my number?’
    Haha. Now I feel like a right little surfer dude thinks I am too good for him..too funny. 🙂

  347.  #347Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    ..might be a feminine energy man..

  348.  #348MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    lol tam

    Think you’re throwing him off a little maybe?

    Maybe he’s thinking a little “who is this chick?” cause you’re not just easy peasy like the girls he’s used to.

  349.  #349Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Miss Stix, I don’t get it. This is the second pretty attractive Floridian who is all arrogant and then underneath is an inferiority complex and a lot of insecurities….very strange. Now I just want to stroke his head and go ‘there, there’. But no. Been there. Got the T-Shirt. Not the man. HAAAA!!
    I am turning into a ‘how to build up your man’ therapist down here.

  350.  #350Annie on October 17, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Sounds like a great man to me Miss Stix

    And ty for the don’t want comment LG.

    Mmm I like that.

    I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who rolls his eyes it feesl icky and very unmanly to me.
    Yuck it makes me feel turned off. YUCK YUCK YUCK!

  351.  #351Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Miss Stix, perhaps this last minute thing is really big down here. Maybe I was hoping for too much changing a whole State…hmmmmm.. 😉

  352.  #352Annie on October 17, 2012 at 4:45 pm


    I have attracted men in the past who want me to be their therapists and help them with their women problems sigh.
    Hopefully I have stopped attracting that now.

  353.  #353MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm


    Yes…I guess they probably lead a bit of a different lifestyle? I could see that for sure! Up for anything anytime, and if not you must not be at all interested.

    It’s amazing too, what a man will show us when we’re not acting as ‘expected’. Some of them will go all kinds of unsure on us!

  354.  #354Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    OMG, he is already peeved at the simple boundary ‘plans in advance’. He just sent some smiley with a tongue out, when I said it would feel better to have plans in advance. How rude.
    Perhaps I should put him in touch with MrP, those two would get on like a house on fire.
    Bored already.
    Made plans with English CD instead, I don’t fancy him at all but at least he is respectful and nice!

  355.  #355MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    PS lmao @pat his head ‘there there’


    From puffed out chest to hanging head on a dime, eh?

  356.  #356MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 4:50 pm


    He really is…So many urges to say how lucky I am 😉 but I won’t go there. Having an off day and so not *that* rockstar right now.

  357.  #357Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    355…Miss Stix…I just don’t believe it.
    He just sent a text again ‘sure you don’t want to meet tonight? why not?’
    OMG. They don’t get it at all.
    Perhaps if I say ‘no’ again, he will go into sulking for three weeks also? And I haven’t even told him that I need to be picked up yet!! He might get a heart attack!!
    Oh I am so amused at the Florida boys….and I am so amused when thinking of MrP in Europe…I say: good luck. The women will kill him. Hahahahahahahahaha.

  358.  #358Tam on October 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    353..yes Miss Stix, and there are many chics that will just do anything…so they are very surprised.
    I remember the ladies tried to snatch MrP off my arm when we used to go out.
    All very odd down here.
    I guess when a man is used to being the prize, that’s what happens…bizarre.

  359.  #359Tam on October 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Don’t think I’ll ever meet this guy, he doesn’t get it. Perhaps his gf is out tonight (big ladies night on weds down here), hence he has no other availability. Very strange. I told him no, need plans in advance and that I am European and a little different…

  360.  #360LiliBee on October 17, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    39: MissStix says:

    “Asking a man what he thinks about our feelings is a very vulnerable, and lean-back position to be in. As long as we accept and respect what he says, even if it is not what we hope to hear.”

    I did this 2x lately. Both times he got open and honest.
    I had been pulling his teeth out to get him to be that way with me, and it was only getting worse.
    But this way, with FMs and asking him what he thinks, is really working.

    The 1st time, I told him how it makes me feel respectful of him when he’s open and honest like that, and I showed it by leaning back.

    The 2nd time, I could feel pride in his voice.

  361.  #361MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm


    It made me a believer too! I was very resistant to “what do you think?” even just a couple months ago. I don’t use it every single time I express myself (I choose when to use it according to circumstance) but this entire approach has been like magic for me. Mostly I am learning to kind of remove my brain from what he says and really just feel it. I started out feeling afraid, and anxious of his words and kind of picking and choosing a little what I wanted to hear. But after a few weeks of this I feel myself really opening up and it feels wonderful! The best part of it is the giving and gaining of respect, my willingness to really hear him now, after continuing to practice, and his complete willingness to be totally honest. Even if he’s saying not exactly what I hope for, it feels so solid, honest, reliable. I feel very free to make my own informed decisions and express them openly. There is so much good, I could go on and on.

    I dunno…Maybe this is a natural remedy for “runners”. I used to be a “put up, shut up and do whatever it takes” kinda girl. Reformed into a “put up with nothing, and book it! Run!” kinda girl. Finding a nice middle ground with open communication and no fear has been…ahhh frustrating, up, down, whoooo kind of a ride! And G has been responding so beautifully. Even when i’m still on a little up down ride of my own.

  362.  #362LiliBee on October 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm


    Yeah Miss Stix 🙂

    I’m feeling more open and accepting of what he has to say.
    He’s feeling alot safer to open up.
    He’s being more adventurous that way.

    I also feel safer to be trusting.

  363.  #363LiliBee on October 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    What stuck with me from the video is not the flirting, it’s when she says “I’m having it” instead of “I want it”.

    That’s what I’m saying to myself when the situations calls for an FM.
    It really helps getting into my feelings and expressing them.

    or sometimes I’ll say to myself like in the Nike commercial “Just do it” (as opposed to “I wanta do it”)

  364.  #364Megan on October 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Thank you Mercedes, for coming back to personally answer me! and thank you, to everyone else for your responses.

    FW – I feel triggered by your “blah blah blah”. Is this directed at my post or his response to my text?
    and is #271 directed at me also?
    I already know sleeping w/ a man will not make him like me, but thank you.

    Miss Stix – don’t worry about the advice.
    Actually the biggest lesson I have learned here is to DROWN OUT OTHER’S advice/opinions around you. those not on this blog of course.
    I accept responsibility for my own actions but I cannot tell you, looking back, how grossly erroneous and false-thinking-provoking the advice was of those I trusted.

    I have been out of practice for a long time but remember enough that leaning back is #1. This however was soon thrown to the wayside after my roommate tells me
    “you should text him and invite him out” which was the first leaning forward.
    Then my other roommate, her bf, says “it sounds like he’s shy, you might have to go out on a limb with this one” etc etc
    you get the point.
    Idk if people are dumb or want to make you feel better but it is surprisingly easy to convince yourself that the normal rules somehow don’t apply to your guy.

    He never bothered to text once. Ouch. Yet I found excuses for him.

    Anyhow, to my surprise, I did get another text, hours later, from him while I was at work:

    “I like hanging out with you too. 🙂 It’s just been a busy week and I’m going to Richmond tomorrow for a wedding.”

    So my take on this is now he thinks it’s cool with me to sleep together casually with no strings attached.
    Not going to lie, it’s going to take a lot of willpower to turn him down if I hear again.

    I don’t know why I take these things so personally and offer up my self-worth on a silver platter.
    I thought it was normal to feel crappy from rejection but I’m beginning to think mine is a little further from normal.

    he didn’t even give me a chance, do guys really go through phases where they are shut off to anything serious regardless of who comes along? or is it just a nice letdown?
    I always took this to mean, “I’m not looking for anything serious…unless the right girl comes along”.

  365.  #365Megan on October 17, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Is it possible he was interested, until he heard I was leaving, and then decided he’d leave it alone…..
    until he heard from me and decided to take what was being offered?

    sorry for my neurosis.

  366.  #366Tereana on October 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    Ok, I feel a little more clear now. I finally sent a different message to vman. I made it entirely about me, and I ignored or didn’t respond to any of the things he said that we’re triggering me, either by design or by my propensity. The only thing I said in the whole message that I was clear was about him was that I was taking the pressure OFF of him. Taking the pressure off that he needs to be the one to provide me with what I want. He doesn’t. And from what I’ve seen, he can’t.

    I feel disgusted that he unabashedly admits that he wants to sleep with me casually. Yet when I said that I wanted that (and I did want that), he declined. Which was annoying.

    I’m just done with him. The man has been wasting my time. And I’ve let him. I’ve gone along with it, and even welcomed it. Perhaps lured on by the subtle yet pointed hints he dropped that he *might* be interested in something more. Even though I observed that that offer wasn’t on the table. I just feel disgusted. Ew, yuck, gross, icky. I can’t even believe that I let him lead me on and draw me out into telling him intimate and personal details about myself, some of which I’ve never admitted to anyone else. God, what a creep.

    I should have known better. He said he’d “matured.” sure. He’s matured into a grade-A quality dirty old man (at age 34). Good for him!

    Luckily for me, I never DID sleep with him. I’m sure it would have been a disaster. Congratulations to me for finally letting him go, like I really needed to do with him in the first place.

    He can say what he wants (and he really has nothing nice to say about me), but it’s his loss. He’s a complete bleeding idiot if he doesn’t see the awesome and amazing woman he had right next to him, and he’s an idiot not to want to snag me and snatch me up before some other, lucky nice guy does. It’s his loss. And it’s his own doing, since he isn’t nice enough to keep me around anyway.

    *brushes hands together*

    Good Riddance!!

  367.  #367Tereana on October 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Megan – don’t apologize for your neurosis – it’s cute! 🙂

  368.  #368MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 9:58 pm


    Honour yourself, and your feelings. The rest is just sludge we get stuck in.

    I, megan, will always honour my feelings. I megan, am free to release any condition in my life which does not serve me.

    You’re worth it.

    I see him saying he is not interested in whatever vibe it was that you were putting out there. The leaning forward to text, to invite. The analyzing. He receives all this vibe. No matter what is said, he senses it. He may respond favourably to a no seriousness sex thing. But do you mean it? How will you feel? Honour that.

    If you feel “cool, yeah, I can do this and not care.” Then do it.

    If you can’t, and you’ll feel attached, and you don’t want to experience that you can say to him *if he texts you again ;)* “Actually, the more i’ve sunk into this the more I realize I don’t feel good about this. I don’t want “just sex”.” See what he says!

    Rejection…It can shake us hard. For sure. Most people feel that way and you’re not alone. But how does that serve you? Does it change you? Does it make you somehow less than because you’re not exactly right, at the right time for someone else?

    Just honour your feelings.

  369.  #369Kat on October 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I am writing because I finally decided I need some outside help and I have read your letters for the last 3 years, getting a lot out of them. I wish your programs were around in 1986…. which is when this all started.
    I fell in love with a rich, professor in my junior year in college. We had an long time relationship even when we quit dating- I got married to another man. The last time I spoke to “doc” was 2004. Since then I have fought with obesity (never even thought about being heavy for 30+years). I have been trying to figure out just why I have turned to food and believe that this stretched out, passionate, fully connected then not, relationship and the feelings I still have about it and my anger at my past decisions when dealing with “doc” have me questioning how I can get closure so that I can finally deal well with the leftover emotions… This is the only issue in my life that has “haunted” me which makes me think that it is the root cause of the eating disorder (gluttony) I now have. What do you think? Suggestions on how to get this man OUT of my life and my emotions back on track to get healthy?

  370.  #370MissStix on October 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    And megan, you are cute! Agreed. Never apologize for it. Love it!

    Who wouldn’t feel something for a nice, honest, tender guy anyway? We alllllllllll analyze. Obviously.


    But there are safe and healthy ways, and not so healthy ways. You can learn what feels good and right for you. That’s the safe and healthy way 🙂

  371.  #371Daria on October 17, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    omgosh i just sent this guy who was triggering me “Thank you but I don’t feel were a good match to meet. Good luck in the future!”

    I think this guy stood me up one time by texting “im late but im still coming” about an hour after the planne d (ahead of time) meeting, w no confirmation ahead of time

    i was already busy doing something else

    i think he musta got a hold of me and apologized or else i forgot who he was, cuz from looking at mytexts before i left, a week later he’s like hey are we gonna hang out today

    so i probably said over the phone im not free today maybe tomorrow

    and then when he texts me the next day “hey wana hang out” i texted “hey babe aww im already busy hanging out wiht my gf right now”

    and hes like “D i cant believe you are doing this Again? I wish i was hanging out wiht you”

    well i was like huhh??? in my head at that point

    and i wrote back something about “im feeling presured”

    and i wound up saying it again later i see

    then later i see he’s texted me the next day and then theres some texts from him that say

    ‘well just know treat people how you want to be treated it will get you far in life”

    i was feeling really turned off

    so now i see as soon as i touched down, he’s calling me and texting but i dindt know who it was, so now i saw those back texts and i felt whoa no

    i mean i feel flattered by his interest and pursuit, but i do NOT like to be made wrong

    i was going to ask Rori or another of the coaches if this is just men ‘grumbling’ but i just asked my intuition instead

    no it doesnt feel good

    i dont like when a guy complains or whines

    i dont want to tolerate that

    so i told him that i dont feel we’re a match to meet

    aww yay me boundaries!

  372.  #372Daria on October 17, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    now i took some sexy leg pictures and put them up on my site yaaaay

  373.  #373Daria on October 17, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    oh also weirdly i was thinking of Transformer man my ex and how he hadn’t contacted me this year and now i got back to a voicemail from him hehe. i feel giggly.

    he didn’t leave his number and so i don’t have it but i feel wanted yipyipeee

    he hasn’t stopped being on me for 11 years now

  374.  #374Tereana on October 18, 2012 at 12:10 am

    Also, Megan, to answer your question about what to do, I agree with a lot of what’s been said here, especially what Mercedes was saying. I would just leave it alone for now. You might not know what’s going to happen. But that’s the point. We’re all here to learn how to be okay with uncertainty and not knowing what’s going to happen next so that we can be surprised.

    What I’m seeing is that you have a big sense of urgency – you’re leaving and you need it all to happen NOW. But what if there is more ahead? How long are you traveling for? When will you be back? How can you say that after you leave, he won’t be thinking about you? (even if he never contacts you between now and then?)

    You said he was a sensitive, introspective guy. Which means that probably nothing you have said has been lost on him. But guys don’t like to feel that they are being “pushed” into anything (even if we’re not actually pushing). I’m guilty of doing this kind of stuff, too.

    But if you really want to “rock star” it, I would say stop all contact NOW. Let him come toward you if and when he wants to. This will let him feel safe, especially if he likes you, too. He sounds really cute, and really, you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future!

    This is your time to focus on YOU. Don’t give all your energy to him – especially when he knows he doesn’t deserve it! (yet;)


  375.  #375ruth on October 18, 2012 at 12:50 am

    wow the blog feels lke a brain stretch to read at the moment
    Tam, flippping heck,I sort of glad i dont date in Florida, not that I AM dating, but you know what I mean

    Good on ya again Tereana

  376.  #376Annie on October 18, 2012 at 1:26 am

    I feel fragile and sensitive.
    my heart still hurts.

    So even when we have chosen to walk away because we know someone is not good for us and will not treat us and love us how we want.
    even though some things repel us and are deal breakers so we walked.
    Why does it still bloody hurt then if we see that person giving the good stuff that they gave us to someone else?
    I don’t get that bit
    My heart hurts.
    I want to not care that they are giving the great stuff I loved about them to someone else. I hate it!
    It makes me feel not good enough.
    Gosh that feels awful so awful.
    My self esteem is going down the pan here.

    I want to hide away and give up.

    I don’t want to feel like that.
    It feels so painful

  377.  #377MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 1:29 am

    I am learning that life is not a happy ending where we will ride off into the sunset. I will always be triggering myself. I will always be looking for ways to grow and feel stronger and braver.

  378.  #378MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 1:33 am

    I can only have real love if I am being. Real.

  379.  #379Annie on October 18, 2012 at 1:36 am

    I want a man who wants to give my the good stuff I love and only want to give that to me.
    Gosh I want a lot. Does what I want really exist?
    It feels so easy to accept things that make us feel good from lots of different men and not feel bothered if they are also giving that to other women when we are hearts and hormones are not involved and tied up in them.

    I am starting to feel doomed that I will not ever get the love life companionship and sex life I want because what I want doesn’t exist and is just a bloodyyyyyyyy fantasy.
    Is it a case of well this is it so best just make the bloody most of it.
    I don’t want to tolerate and accept that.
    Gosh is that why people turn to drugs, alcohol etc, to escape the crap reality for a while?
    I don’t want to do that but can see the temptation to numb it all out.

  380.  #380MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 1:47 am

    I feel emotionally exhausted. I feel real. Totally solid. Maybe I am starting to enjoy stirring up my own juices. Maybe I feel like the more I stir it up the sexier and cuter and more me I get. I am so fricken me right now.

  381.  #381Annie on October 18, 2012 at 1:49 am

    Oh the dark side of facebook

    You know though even though it triggers us if we see stuff on there that makes us feel sad.
    I believe it is best to know the truth even if we do not like what we see.
    Better than burying our heads in the sand and pretending everything in hunky dory and to see what is really going on.

    So if I see a man doing something I don’t like at least I get to see what he really does and who he really is, rather than the imaginary fantasy of the man I want him to be.
    So if I see something I don’t like, that is not the man I want. He is not my man.
    I was right to walk away, turn around and look at something else, don’t get dragged backwards.

  382.  #382Butterfly Wings on October 18, 2012 at 1:51 am

    I have four guys poking me on facebook. ouch! 😉

  383.  #383Butterfly Wings on October 18, 2012 at 1:53 am

    I’ve been having fantasies about meeting a tall, dark, well-built man in his 40’s. He’s rich too. And affectionate. And outgoing. And isn’t afraid to tell me exactly how he feels about me…

    Sigh… 🙂

  384.  #384MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 2:13 am


  385.  #385Annie on October 18, 2012 at 2:36 am

    I feel unwanted today and it sucks.
    Apart from sex oh yes some men want to have sex and friendship lol. No thanks, go away, I don’t want what you are offering.

  386.  #386Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:05 am

    (((Annie))) Your posts resonte with me somewhat.
    I don’t understand, really, what happened with men just looking for friendships and sex (many)…I was trying o explain it away by the culture here but you are in the UK. I just don’t remember this happening in my 20’s, have I time-travelled? I seem to be in a world where I don’t understand the rules.
    In my world when you had sex with someone, after seeing them for a while, you were the girlfriend, unless you made a mistake and it was cleared up pretty quickly….Hm. Maybe I was just lucky and now no more.
    Not that I want every man I date as a boyfriend, but when things got serious, it was kind of assumed. Now there is a lot of confusion, it seems. On both sides maybe?

  387.  #387Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Ruth yeah, the only sane guy is English and he is the size of thumbelina…I mean, a man smaller than me (5”2 and 51kg’s)….it just doesn’t do it for me…it feels soooo weird. 🙁

  388.  #388Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:09 am

    he must be 5”1 and his hands are tiny, like a child’s…he is nice but no spark there at all.

  389.  #389Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:13 am

    I feel bad for saying this, but maybe the reason for the English guy trying so hard is that he really hasn’t got many options here…and he said as much.
    The guys I like have options, unfortunately, and it means they are always looking for something better. I hate that.
    I still don’t want to settle for someone I am not attracted to.

  390.  #390Heart on October 18, 2012 at 3:15 am

    I feel so heavenly right now..
    I feel tender and soft and my skin feels warm..
    My thoughs are drifting and sinking and melting into nothingness…
    Keep calm and take a hot bath…

  391.  #391Heart on October 18, 2012 at 3:18 am

    Im trying to wake myself up….I want to read and chat…

  392.  #392Heart on October 18, 2012 at 3:28 am

    Dominique – when you said prepare to feel bad from the tension easing technique ..did you mean phyically or emotionally. I experience some pain in my neck and upper shoulders earlier in the week …and today I had lots of pain/tesion throughout my middle and lower back…like odd places…It didn’t stay too long.
    Is this normal? Is the tension technique causing it?

  393.  #393Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:33 am

    I saw my ex, the one with the kids, on a dating website again..spreading the vibe that he has given up on dating.
    I feel for him but he was so inflexible and I want to say: ‘what do you expect? A woman to be happy with always being last in your life, even after the ex-wife and her cat?’ (no joke).
    He is a good guy on so many levels. I feel tempted to reach out to him, but it would just be an ego stroke for me, so I will resist.
    He was the one I dropped when MrP arrived back on the scene, but not FOR him, just was heading that way just ended a lot quicker.
    Hm. He was the one when I thought ‘I’ll settle for him because he is a good guy’….when in actual fact he was the same as everybody else on this planet, good and bad…..and I realised that I had settled for someone who was not on my wavelength intellectually and physically – just because I thought it would be a good relationship, he cared for me, called me all the time, did all the right things.
    Everytime I think about ‘settling’ for someone now, I shall remember this story….because I was settling for a lot more than I had bargained for…all the family drama etc.
    And all that for someone I was not all that into anyway.
    Never again.

  394.  #394Heart on October 18, 2012 at 3:36 am

    #388 Tam – I feel like a bad person for talking about this too….yes men with less options seem to be easier …

  395.  #395Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:44 am

    393..Heart..I still want a man to want me for me, and not ‘just’ because he knows he ‘can’t do any better’.
    I don’t know.
    Here one always has to hang onto one’s guy…especially if he is attractive..the stories I have. One time I was chatting to this very attractive (and filthy rich) guy, we ended up having a little affair, he was a very nice man at that. Anyhow, one time we were chatting at a party and all of a sudden I see a woman cling to him from the other side..and sit down practically on his lap. She then started to rub his crotch (I am not joking). I couldn’t believe it and neither could he.
    It was pretty funny at the time, but in hindsight I just think ‘how desperate’…and how strange.

  396.  #396Tam on October 18, 2012 at 3:47 am

    MrP’s neighbourwoman (married actually) wrote love messages on his car..with lipstick..every few days. Kissy lips. He got so annoyed by it, he had to have ‘a talk’ with her. She had a husband!! OMG
    I just don’t get these kinds of stories in Europe..or at least not that many of makes living here pretty entertaining though.

  397.  #397Heart on October 18, 2012 at 3:59 am

    394 – Tam – We all want that…Thats why men are so commitment phobic…they want to be wanted for themselves…and so many women are just desperate for a relationship.

  398.  #398Heart on October 18, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Tam – I miss CudG still…
    I cant kill the hope…
    I’m trying to tell myself it’s over so I don’t get stuck waiting
    I feel bad I bailed on the date…
    but I don’t think that’s why he’s keeping his distance…
    I figure I will move on eventually
    but I miss him…

  399.  #399Heart on October 18, 2012 at 4:12 am

    also Tam….do u know the little friend box on facebook….well he keeps showing up in it…And I avoid his page….and i think that friendbox must show u people who visit ur page even though FB said it doesn’t

  400.  #400Tam on October 18, 2012 at 4:16 am

    (((Heart)))….it’s normal…I believe. I feel similarly, though have decided for myself that I don’t care how hard it is, I can be happy and I let fate make the decisions now. I have totally given up and decided that the Universe knows what is best for me and has perhaps just protected me from further heartbreak.
    I am very exhausted and more heartbreak is not what I need at this stage anyway.
    Maybe you can tell yourself that what’s meant to be in meant to be. And what’s done is done, there is no reason to feel bad about something in the past.
    I was also searching for fault in myself, but in the end: we all make mistakes. so what if we ‘didn’t make a man feel safe?’ or whatever.
    I have not been put on this planet to question myself all the time. The right guy will not be swayed by little things.
    So there.

  401.  #401Tam on October 18, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Heart, it also shows up when you visit their page, I believe.

  402.  #402Heart on October 18, 2012 at 5:18 am

    yup Tam…but I have only visitedhis page twice since the fb pics

  403.  #403Heart on October 18, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Tam – my mind doesn’t accept…maybe in a couple of days…i just miss him..

  404.  #404Goddess Lily on October 18, 2012 at 5:31 am


    I have a thumbelina man at work. He is maybe 2 inches taller than me. And he’s attracted to me and wants a relationship. He’s even a good kisser…..but the rest of me can’t get past the fact that he’s miniature. Doesn’t feel manly to me. I feel bad for him.

  405.  #405Tam on October 18, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Heart. I know. Sigh. Give it time!

  406.  #406Annie on October 18, 2012 at 5:49 am

    385: Tam .

    Me neither Tam I don’t know when this friends with benefits started. It really wasn’t like that before I got married.
    I had men who took me out on dates that I thought of as friends but we did not have sex and I stopped seeing then when I got a boyfriend and my boyfriends did not have female friends unless they were joint friends we had as a couple.
    Something happened somewhere along the line and changed.
    There wasn’t mobile phones and FB etc though.
    maybe that has something to do with it.
    It’s so much easier to stay in contact.

    Something happened somewhere along the line and changed.

    What do you think?

  407.  #407Dominique on October 18, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Tam – 322 – “there is no need to ask him what he thinks about the relationship…or you….there is no need to ‘have the talk’, there is no need to craft out feeling messages for hours or scripts or whatever else. You will know as clear as the sun goes up every morning.”

    bingo – this especially applies to a man of few words like K. know though that there may still be odd times when a heart-to-heart is needed, but they will be rare and more than likely an airing of your stuff having really nothing to do with him. he may have triggered you, but it’s all you, for it wouldn’t have been a trigger in the first place otherwise.

    feeling messages are still important, but I see them as part of every day language, and really again this is more for you, for you to get in deeper touch with you, and as a lovely side benefit, your man will feel closer to you, safer.


  408.  #408Iamabutterfly on October 18, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I definititely have issues.
    I feel embarassed.
    I feel like an awkward 13-year-old.

    Mr. Stares me down reappeared. He walked into the room, and I felt fear and panic. He looked really, really, really good.

    He was wearing red. He looks really, really, really good in red.

    He stopped to talk to a sort of mutual friend, I guess?

    I can be comfortable around this mutual guy friend, but a lot of times I’m not.

    It’s a long story.

    Okay, so the mutual friend might be my sister’s ex from like ten years ago who broke her heart.

    I’ve felt awkward around mutual friend ever since.

    and almost guilty for being friends with him, because I know my sister can hardly still, even to this day, stand to be around him.

    I wouldn’t want her hanging out with the guy who broke my heart, even though I know he is a good, wonderful man and that I’m really the one who got scared and screwed it up…

    the only reason I probably wasn’t scared of him at first is because he had a girlfriend for most of the time we were getting to know each other.

    once he broke up with her I felt pure terror. but I learned to calm down. but then he didn’t do what I thought he was supposed to do and my nvs started screaming at me.

    am I confusing anybody yet?

    I digress…

    I said all that to say that it would have been really easy to smile and say “hey” to Mr. Stares Me Down and mutual friend, but instead I froze and did a 90 degree walk away.

    felt turned on and scared.
    It’s not often that I feel turned on just by looking at a guy.
    Hardly ever, really.
    but he looked sooooooooooooo good, and he was just about to turn around and look at me and I couldn’t stand it!

    it made me feel empathy for guys who must feel that way when looking at me…

    gosh, I feel embarassed.

    so…um, how do you get over this?

    I felt panicky. there was no logical reason to feel panicky.

    I’m going to be alone for a loooong time if I don’t figure out a way how to get over this…

    because obviously I want to be with someone that I’m strongly attracted to and that isn’t in a committed relationship…………

  409.  #409Dominique on October 18, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Simply Goddess – 324 – It’s possible though not necessarily easy. It’s up to you to let it go and start fresh, in your mind and heart. If you can’t or deep down don’t want to, this is something to look at and ponder going forward.


  410.  #410Tam on October 18, 2012 at 6:40 am

    406, yes Dominique, that resonates..

  411.  #411Tam on October 18, 2012 at 6:45 am

    405 Annie, yes I agree, definitely.
    I don’t want to say things have changed for the worse, but sometimes it seems so. More choice and more temptation and all this fleetingness certainly doesn’t help inspiring life-long relationships.
    I would like to believe us humans all want the same thing in the end…but when I hear men say things like ‘I am not a one-woman man’, or that they don’t want to be ‘tied down’, especially when they are older, I wonder. Do they really want to be alone and just have fleeting encounters?
    What about old age?
    What about having someone to talk to, someone you have known for years and years, whom you can trust etc.?
    Is a string of fleeting encounters really lasting excitement? I do wonder sometimes..these are confusing times, that’s for sure.

  412.  #412Femininewoman on October 18, 2012 at 6:48 am

    “he may have triggered you, but it’s all you, for it wouldn’t have been a trigger in the first place otherwise”.

    If only we could really get our head and thinking around this. Sometimes reading some rants, riffs and venting I get the sense that we believe someone deliberately triggered us and it is all their fault.

  413.  #413Dominique on October 18, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Annie – 378 – What you want is out there, but maybe there is a missing piece here for you, something I find on the prevalent side in my clients, women and men. Remaining rigid in your desires, not allowing the flexibility and flow, expecting things to be a certain way without allowing openness to what is.

    I found for myself that when I allowed my heart to open, and at the time it was only a little bit, I discovered that what I wanted was already right there in front of me; it was actually more than I had dreamed about, for I hadn’t even stretched that far yet.

    Yes there may be some things for you that are absolute deal breakers, but even within this, can you find some room for flexibility, even if only as an experiment?

    That said, I understand this feeling of despair. I have been there. So I send you much love and hugs.


  414.  #414Mercedes on October 18, 2012 at 6:57 am

    LG: It’s so good to be here and great to see you too! I assumed my week was going to get crazy busy again but for some reason it’s really slow in my office. 🙂 I like that sometimes! I like how you said earlier that you prefer to express in “Don’t wants”. Me too! No need for criticism or complaints. “This is how I feel, this is what I want (or don’t want).” EASY!

    Annie: We can agree to disagree OR we can agree as long as we add the word “except”.
    “No adult relationship is free from criticism EXCEPT Mercedes and J, Dominique and K, my sister C and her husband L and others I know.” We don’t all hurt each other that way. Really, we don’t and please don’t think your relationship has to be that way. Go for the REAL thing where hurting someone and knowing they can “take it” just plain doesn’t exist. I LOVE J so much…I can’t imagine being critical of him. I think he could take it if a woman was that way with him, but why would he feel the need to stick around for it? Why wouldn’t he just find a woman who didn’t feel the need to dish it out…find a woman who liked/loved him just the way he is…why be with someone who feels critical of you? I never have to say “you’re really pissing me off here!!” because he doesn’t DO things that piss me off. Why would I be with a man who does? He’s my BEST friend. We have spent virtually every minute of our free time during the last approx 7 or 8 years TOGETHER…being friends and lovers and partners. We don’t hurt each other and we don’t criticize each other.

    Megan: 🙁 Can you stop analyzing this? You’re working yourself up a lot here. We can speculate all we want about what he is thinking or why he might have pulled away (although it feels more like being very casual than pulling away to me) or if he’s feeling one thing or another or why he said or did this or that…but we can’t possibly know those answers. He’ll tell you where he’s really at if he wants to and he won’t need you to ask…if he doesn’t want to, he won’t. Either way, you are still you and what he thinks, says, does, feels, etc cannot change that. You keep referring to “rejection”. He hasn’t rejected you. It sounds to me like he really enjoyed your time together (a lot) but he still hasn’t indicated whether or not there will be more of those times. That’s not rejection. You may or may not be the right person for him right now, but that’s not rejection. That’s a man who isn’t in a place to accept the whole you the way you are now. No worries. If it isn’t him, it will be someone and if it isn’t right now, it will be another day. Just because a man doesn’t know right now that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you doesn’t mean he’s rejecting you. It may just mean he’s rejecting seeing a woman more than a couple of times right now (no matter who that woman is).

    Daria: You said: “i was going to ask Rori or another of the coaches if this is just men ‘grumbling’ but i just asked my intuition instead”. I LOVE THAT!!!!!!! WOW! It could put a lot of coaches out of work, but the self confidence and self love there is outstanding! 🙂

    Much Love,

  415.  #415Linda on October 18, 2012 at 6:59 am

    I love reading thru the blog. I find so many ideas and one liners that stick to me in a good way. They are so helpful and often like a light bulb turning on. I often thing. “man I wish I had thought of that or knew to say that when….” I was in that exact situation. Life is not really that different for us. We all encounter the same things at different times it seems.

    Reading thru attidudes toward money , living together paying 50/50… a man offering to get you something to eat and asking for your credit card to do it…. sigh triggers galore for me.

    Living with someone who did not want to provide and surround me was a bad bad deal. He would offer me money sometimes… but it was not enough. I then approached him about paying half, yes it now when I look back at it all. It does feel like a housemake, friends arrangement…. but it was my house. I only let him move in because he was losing his place yes being evicted. NONE of it ever felt good to me. I LOVE what Mercedes said…”NEver do anything that does not Feel good” BOY i SURE

  416.  #416Dominique on October 18, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Heart – 391 – They are on and the same. Your physical pain is a reflection of your emotional pain and vice versa.

    And when one part starts to unwind, other parts may kick as “support” or as resistance, rebellion to the changes, kind of like the persistent gremlin voices.

    There is no normal here. If it’s what you are experiencing, then it’s normal for you.

    I have been unwinding this stuff for years, and the journey continues. What I have found for me that since everything is connected, if one part of you is tight, this will translate down or up or sideways to other areas, like a chain reaction. So unwind one, find more.

    I have devoted a large portion of the video I am currently filming to this subject.


  417.  #417Linda on October 18, 2012 at 7:10 am

    AGREE with that one. I guess I had to do it to learn. Another one of those “learning things the hardway”… I wish I had a more complete handle on things when I was going thru all that. I look back and it all feels bad. I often question my intelligence…. but my emotions and hopefulness ran the roost at that time. Now living thru it all has created emotional intellengence, which I am glad about.

    I have been quite reflective lately. The longer I do not have a man in my life the clearer I feel. I am much more focused on me and aware or in tune with my again. I dont want to loose this part of me ever gain.

    I am makeing some promises to myself

    I will NEVER do anything that does not feel good to me.

    I will Never be quiet when it something doesnt feel good to me.

    I will Never accept less than what I need or want to feel….

    I will NEVER be with a man with whom I can not talk about anything. Or be afraid to.

    I did not used to be like that… I went there and feel sad that I did.

    My last bad relationship has caused me to run and rescue ME again.

  418.  #418Mercedes on October 18, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Tam: but when I hear men say things like ‘I am not a one-woman man’, or that they don’t want to be ‘tied down’, especially when they are older, I wonder. Do they really want to be alone and just have fleeting encounters?

    J thought he felt that way too. And then he thought he wanted me. And then I walked out on him and he lost me (and I started circular dating). And now he knows that he’s not that person at all and it is only what he THOUGHT he wanted because he didn’t know he could have someone like ME. Yes…it took a pretty tough time to get to that point for us (I don’t think everyone has to go though a tough time though) but once we got there, he KNEW, without a doubt, that he does NOT want to be alone.

    It’s out there ladies…I promise…

    Much Love,

  419.  #419Tam on October 18, 2012 at 7:19 am

    417..Mercedes..well, yes. 🙂

  420.  #420Mercedes on October 18, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Linda: LOVE…

    I will NEVER do anything that does not feel good to me.

    I will Never be quiet when it something doesnt feel good to me.

    I will Never accept less than what I need or want to feel….

    I will NEVER be with a man with whom I can not talk about anything. Or be afraid to.

    Much Love,

  421.  #421Mercedes on October 18, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Dominique: “I have been unwinding this stuff for years, and the journey continues. What I have found for me that since everything is connected, if one part of you is tight, this will translate down or up or sideways to other areas, like a chain reaction. So unwind one, find more. ”

    Me too! I’m working really hard on mind/body/soul connections right now. I’m in classes to get my meditation teaching certification and I have a “zen” room in my house that is so beautiful and peaceful (I think I showed you pictures??? I know I posted some on my blog a while back – it’s an AMAZING place). So I’m constantly feeling my body and connecting and hurts to emotions that need to be worked on. The whole thing started with my very first deep tissue massage (I’d only had things like hot stone before) and for the first time, I actually felt and heard (ewwww) knots in my back as she pushed them around (they actually moved under my skin). I was soooo grossed out because I honestly thought I was free from knots (and I didn’t know knots could actually be moved around). I don’t feel a lot of tension in my body, right? Wrong.

    Now that I focus on it more, I notice how often I really do tense up so I made J aware of it too and he’ll remind me to “float” when he sees me gripping the side of my chair for no reason or he’ll gently push down on my shoulders when he sees them come up in a tense motion. Between him and the meditation practice, I plan to get much better about being relaxed (physically) all the time and noticing where any pain is coming from and how it is connected to emotions and tensions in my body. It’s really fascinating work.

    Oh…and J has also been heating up my buckwheat pillow for my back/shoulders when we relax on the couch at night and he bought me a sleep number pillow to help me sleep better at night with less pain. He’s really good to me.

    One other thing I found out about myself (I could go on and on here I guess) is that I grind my teeth at night and sometimes I wake up with a very tense jaw. I bought a mouth guard to sleep with as well because I heard teeth grinding can also lead to migraine headaches and I’m NOT interested in that!

    And all this from a woman who’s life really isn’t full of tensions at all. I don’t have much to stress about (work can be a bit stressful sometimes but I like that…I like putting my “boy hat” on and being a boss…although I do wish I owned my own business…). Nothing in my personal life is stressful. We live a very relaxed existense….even rented an absolutely BEAUTIFUL house on the lake for six months so weekends could be even MORE relaxed (our bedroom comes complete with a HUGE two person jacuzzi… 🙂 ). But still…I have aches and pains and tensions that I have to work on. I think working on my body/mind/soul will be lifelong. It feels that way. But I also know that after I do my breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, stretches…anything really…I feel so much better.

    Wow! Okay…I’m typing a lot today. It just feels so good to be on a blog and talking to YOU again!!!

    Much Love,

  422.  #422Daria on October 18, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Thanks Mercedes 🙂

  423.  #423Femininewoman on October 18, 2012 at 8:30 am

    RE 414 Linda I once drove to a man because I was feeling bored and just wanted to. He kept holding me and kissing on me. Next he tried his darndest to get me into bed with him. He had me wondering why he wanted sex so much. Later I had to get gas and I thought he had a nerve to be asking me for my credit card to put gas in my car, it just felt too familiar to me. Now I am wondering about myself. haha it seems the credit card is my personal space but my body wasn’t. Or I was a bit willing to opening up my body and thinking to cdate but I was not willing to open up my finances to him.

  424.  #424MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Tam and annie

    Yeah…And then they seem confused if they have a close female friend and we feel off about it. If G had a close female friend he’d have to do a lot better than saying “we’re just friends!” Doesn’t cut it anymore….We know first hand that men can and will have sexual relationships with females they consider “just friends”. I would have to instead hear something like “I find her completely unattractive sexually” and i’d have to see the honesty in his eyes.

  425.  #425MissStix on October 18, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Not to say all men will sleep with all their female friends…Far from it! I know that first hand too. But “we’re just friends” wouldn’t be enough for me.

  426.  #426Silver Moonbeam on October 18, 2012 at 10:31 am

    #378 Annie

    I hear you so LOUD and CLEARLY……………

  427.  #427Dominique on October 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Yes Miss M, I saw the pictures, love, love.

    I feel so happy you understand of what I speak. It can get so deep on all levels, physically, intellectually, and emotionally, even spiritually.


  428.  #428Rori Raye on October 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Kat – I wrote so much to you, I’m making it a post…look for it next week…Love, Rori

  429.  #429Heart on October 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Also looking back on our earlier hang outs, I realized that reconfirmation wasn’t needed with CudG.
    Most of the times him asking and me agreeing was enough.
    Gosh, it just came across like I was disinterested or just plain weird.
    I feel like I sorta kinda stood him up a little…
    Omg and he had reserved a place in my area and everything..

    I don’t want to learn forward…
    but I want to show that I’m interested…I want to make up for it…
    I see I was just scared at the time …
    What should I do?
    Advice please.

  430.  #430Butterfly wings on October 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    I feel sad today. No contact from TH again yesterday.

    Something FW posted earlier resonated with me: “If he “liked” you, he’d be giving you attention he doesn’t give other girls, and he’s not doing that.”

    I’m not sure I’m getting the same attention the girl he’ll be meeting up with while he’s away has been getting. I’m almost positive she receives a message from him EVERY day.

    I’m going out tonight and tomorrow night. I’m not in a relationship so I’m open to any possibility… 🙁

    Am I really accepting crumbs by accepting that he’s going away again without me even though we’re not in a relationship?? Or am I just being unreasonable??

    I don’t know what I want anymore…

  431.  #431Tereana on October 18, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Calypso – 264 – that is so cute! 🙂

  432.  #432Sirenity on October 19, 2012 at 2:56 am

    BW – I feel sad for you .
    Your fantasy man could be REAL . You sound beautiful and feminine and attractive to men .Your fantasy seems normal to me .. a man at a similar life stage to you, available and loving..thats what we all want.

    I feel sad that he has declared you NOT to be in a relationship , yet has all the benefits on his terms. I am not sure what NOT being in a relationship means to him or to you. It sounds like it has to do with responsibility and expectations.

    It reads that despite the non relationship status (lets just call that NRS) you feel sad that he is not contacting you while away on holidays alone . The NRS clearly shows you the areas where you still have expectations “as if” he was in a relationship with you.
    Its not his actions that are wrong or making you sad, it is i think your expectations that are leading to disappointment. Please correct me/comment/disagree whatever. i am stating how it looks from the outside and only you know your heart.

    As to the responsibility of being in a relationship , I think this is what men find hard sometimes , unless they are really into the woman completely , in which case they seem to welcome and embrace responsibility.By responsibility I mean emotional responsibility as in supporting the partners wishes, ensuring her happiness, being there for her when times are difficult, and stepping up to be there for her when the going gets tough….

    Tam is right in my opinion . There is no need to try and work at getting a man into a position of responsibility and relationship . If he really wants to , he will.

    I feel happy to read that you are open to all possibilities.

  433.  #433Sirenity on October 19, 2012 at 3:01 am

    BW , as you are NOT in a relationship i really am imagining you having a happy single flirtatious night and basking in mens attention.